Block-Heads (1938) Movie Script
- One more minute and we'll be going over.
- The men are ready, sir.
Private Laurel.
You stay here and guard this post
until relieved from duty.
Gee, I wish I was going with you.
Take care of yourself.
Don't worry about me, Stan.
I'll be back. We'll all be back.
So long, pal.
(Heavy gunfire)
(Gunfire stops)
(Jazzy bugle call)
(Aircraft humming)
You brainless idiot!
What are you trying to do?!
- Put that thing down!
- War is war and I've got my orders.
- What orders?
- To guard this post.
You block-head!
The war's been over for 20 years.
It doesn't make any difference.
When I'm told to do something...
- What d'you say?
- The war's been over for 20 years.
Eh?
The war's been over for 20 years!
Ha! How time flies.
Just seems like yesterday.
- What d'you say?
- You heard me.
- Well, that accounts for it.
- Accounts for what?
Everything's been kinda quiet lately.
Come with me. I'll see that you get home.
War's been over for...
Well, it's better than staying here.
Thanks very much. Are you sure
the war's been over for 20 years?
Positively. I can prove it to you.
If it isn't, somebody's going
to get into an awful jam.
Paper! Morning paper!
Were the eggs done enough
this morning, dear?
Is there anything else, dear?
I almost burned my finger
on the bacon this morning.
My love, you've got something
on your mind.
You can't fool your baby Oliver.
Oh, Oliver! You don't even remember
what happened a year ago today.
Was that the day I fell off the bicycle?
No, Oliver. Now just try to think.
It had something to do with you and me.
I give up. I can't quite remember
what you mean.
Unless it was the day
we got married... That's it!
It was just a year ago today
that you came into my heart.
How could I forget?
Congratulations, Mrs Hardy.
Of course I didn't forget.
We'll celebrate. We'll have a party.
Oh, Oliver!
How I've looked forward to this day.
I planned a dinner just for the two of us,
as I did a year ago tonight.
- You're so sweet and I'm such a cad.
- No, you're not.
We'll do anything your little heart desires.
We'll have a nice quiet dinner
and after that, we'll sit and hold hands
and I'll whisper sweet nothings
in your ear.
Oh, Oliver!
This is wonderful. And you are so wonderful.
Could I have an extra dollar
with my allowance?
Isn't 75 cents a day enough for you?
Usually it is but today is different.
I wish you wouldn't ask me what I'm
going to do with it. It's to be a surprise.
Oh, Oliver, of course.
You can have a dollar
and 25 cents more... today.
There's one more thing.
Do you mind if I use the car?
I'll only be gone one hour.
Of course not.
But be careful and hurry right back.
Thank you. I won't even say goodbye,
my precious little Fig Newton.
I'll just say, pardon me for one hour.
And make that hour short.
(Whistles merrily)
- Good morning, Mrs Gilbert.
- Good morning, Mr Hardy.
Gorgeous day, isn't it? Bright, cheerful.
- It's a lovely day.
- This is quite a day for me.
My anniversary... and Mrs Hardy's too.
- Oh, how nice! Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I have reason to celebrate. Mr Gilbert is due
back after two months hunting in Africa.
Oh, fine! Then we both have a reason
to celebrate. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh. It's all right. I'll get them.
Hello, darling. This is Mr Hardy.
My husband, Mr Gilbert.
How do you do?
You came back unexpectedly.
Yes. You see, we were holding hands...
We were shaking hands
and the newspapers fell out.
Well, I guess we can get up now.
I guess we'd better be going. Goodbye.
I'm glad to have seen you.
Excuse me. My mistake. I'm sorry.
Oh. There you are.
Goodbye. Oh... Goodbye, Mr Gilbert.
- And who is that snake?
- Mr Hardy. He's our neighbour.
Come in, dear.
It's so nice to have you home.
Good morning, James.
What's the news this morning?
A fella stayed in the trenches
20 years after the war.
- He didn't know it was over!
- How could anyone be so stupid?
I don't know. Here's his picture.
I can't imagine anybody being that dumb.
Oh, yes, I can!
(Deep voice) Out, please.
- (Deep voice) Thank you.
- Quite all right, sir.
Down, please.
(Bang)
(Crashing)
I don't see him just now but you'll
find him on the grounds somewhere.
Thank you.
- Ollie!
- Stan! Don't get up now. Sit right there.
- How did you know I was here?
- I saw your picture in the paper.
- How did I look?
- You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you. If I hadn't have seen you,
I never would have known you.
- Gee, I'm glad to see you.
- I'm glad to see you too.
- Have you missed me?
- I certainly have.
I missed you too.
How's things and everything?
Everything's just fine. I got married.
You don't tell me? Who d'ya marry? Fifi?
- No.
- Er, Lulu?
- No.
- Camille?
- No.
- I know. Fanny.
No. You wouldn't know her.
She's a local girl.
Wait till you meet her. She's one
of the finest women that ever lived.
- Don't tell.
- And can she cook!
- Can she?
- Can she?
Wait till you put your legs
under that table... Pardon me.
Wait till you put your leg under that table
and put your teeth into a big, thick,
juicy steak covered with mushrooms
and those hot biscuits
oozing with molten butter.
And those seven-layered chocolate cakes
swimming in whipped cream.
- Any beans?
- You can have beans if you want.
- You can have anything you want.
- (Bugle call)
It was nice of you to call, Ollie.
I hope you'll come see me again sometime.
I've got to be going.
- Where are you going?
- It's call for mess. I've got to eat.
You're coming home with me
to meet the missus.
- Am I?
- And have a big, thick, juicy steak.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
I want you to remember -
from now on, my home is your home.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
And I'm never going to let you
out of my sight again.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
Just sit back and relax.
I'm sure glad to see you, kid.
Gee, Ollie. This is just like old times.
You and I being together.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
- We sure used to have a lot of fun.
- We sure did.
- You remember how dumb I used to be?
- Yeah.
- I'm better now.
- I'm certainly glad to hear it.
- Will you wait a minute, Ollie?
- Why?
- I want a drink of water.
- You sit right there. I'll get it.
- I only want to get to the faucet.
- How can you get there?
You just sit and relax. I'll be right back.
Hey! Come on, lug. Get outta that chair.
What do you mean insulting my friend?
That's my buddy's chair.
I'll give it to you when I'm ready.
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
Well, are you ready to give it to me?
On second thought, yes.
Don't exert yourself, Stanley. I'll carry you.
Are you comfortable?
Thank you, Stanley.
We haven't got much further to go now.
- Well, here we are.
- Is this your car?
No, it belongs to the missus.
- Sure is a pretty one.
- It's practically new.
Look, you can see yourself in it.
That's... No, I got it. That way.
- Now I'm nearly in.
- All right.
There's one...
Come here!
Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?
You didn't ask me.
- Get in the car!
- I've always had 'em.
You are better now? Hm!
Go and get the guy to move that truck.
Go on.
(Air hisses)
- The guy isn't there.
- Well, move it yourself.
(Engine starts)
(Gears crunch)
(Pneumatic hiss)
Hold it. Steady. Thank you.
You can say that that was
the largest boar ever bagged in India.
Kept me two months extra months away.
- I'll bet there's a story behind it.
- You said it.
He gave me more trouble
than a bunch of elephants.
It's safer to hunt on horseback
but I was on foot when he charged me.
When he got close enough, I fired.
The gun jammed. It was a narrow escape.
But what did you do?
To look at me, you wouldn't believe
that I am very light on my feet.
- I jumped to one side.
- You were in a spot.
But not for long.
If you keep cool, everything is all right
and I was cool - I had a chill in my back.
I took out both of my revolvers
and I let him have 12 shots. Six and six.
He almost made you a widow, Mrs Gilbert.
I never worry about my husband.
When he takes aim, it's a bullseye.
Unlike other hunters,
I don't bring 'em back alive.
I bring 'em back dead. I come back alive.
Did you get those elephant tusks in India?
No. In Africa. I was with my safari...
"Safari" means a bunch of native boys.
I had my lion gun with me -
that's smaller than an elephant gun.
When jumbo came charging after me,
I let him have the full magazine.
You think that bothered him?
That made him angry. It made him mad!
He pulled over five or six trees.
He charged again. I took aim.
And I let him have it.
- I'll be that did the trick.
- Well, there's his teeth.
I've got to go down to the gun shop. I'm
having a new gun made especially for me.
I mean, for elephants. Goodbye, dear.
- Goodbye, darling.
- Excuse me.
Thanks. This'll make an interesting story.
- Who opened the door?
- No one.
- It opens automatically.
- How do you mean?
Well, you see that plate?
You just drive over that, the door opens.
I never saw anything like that.
Mind if I try it?
No. Go ahead. Just drive straight back.
Now just drive it forward.
Ohhh!
(Ollie groaning)
- What's it say?
- "Out of order."
- Where'd you get that?
- I found it on there.
The fella put it on there when you were...
We'll have to walk up.
(Crashing)
- What floor do you live on?
- The 13th.
- Gee, that's quite a way.
- We'll be up there in a jiffy.
What's 13 flights?
Going up?
- Five.
- That's right. Won't be long now.
- Six.
- Mm.
- How long did you say it would take?
- Just a jiffy.
- How far's a jiffy?
- About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.
Didn't think it was so far.
Surprising the distance...
- Seven.
- Uh-huh.
- How many with seven makes 13?
- Six.
Swell. We've only got six more jiffies.
Won't be long now.
(Buzzer)
- Eight.
- Nine.
I think we'd better rest a while.
That was a good idea of yours.
Come, come. Don't block the stairway.
Who do you think you're talking to?!
You, you big overstuffed polliwog!
- You smile when you call me that!
- Ha!
If we weren't in this apartment house,
I'd wipe the floor with you!
- Don't let that stop you.
- Take him outside.
- Outside?
- See? He's afraid to go.
Who's afraid to go? Any time you're ready!
Well, there's no time like the present!
- I should say not.
- Come on!
You can't get away with that with me.
Polliwog, huh?
He can't talk to you like that.
There's going to be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
Hey, Ollie? What's a polliwog?
- I'll tell you later.
- There's gonna be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
You think you can get away with that?
There's gonna be a fight.
I'd better help you.
Never mind. Just leave it to me.
It'll be over in a jiffy.
Hey. There's gonna be a fight.
We'll show him!
- If you apologise, it's all right with me.
- Apologise?! Ha! For what?
For calling me an overstuffed polliwog!
No man can call me an overstuffed
polliwog and get away with it!
All right.
You're not an overstuffed polliwog.
- That's better.
- You're an inflated blimp!
That's different.
I don't know what that means,
but these people can't be wrong.
- Then fight and shut up.
- You bet your life I'll fight.
The very idea!
He wants to fight! Come outside.
I'm gonna give you one more chance
to apologise.
Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I apologise.
I knew he was yellow!
Yellow, eh?!
Get back there and fight!
- You'd better call an ambulance.
- Yes, sir.
There's gonna be a fight. You'd better come.
- What happened?
- The fight is over.
(Horn toots)
- What did you do to him?
- Never mind.
Why did you suggest coming down here
when we could have done the same thing
on the tenth floor?
- I didn't know he was gonna...
- (Woman) Ollie!
Lulu! Gee, I haven't seen you in ages.
- You remember Stan?
- How could I forget him?
I met him today.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.
Everybody thought I was dead, didn't they?
- How did you find out you weren't?
- Well, I figured that...
- I saw my picture in the paper.
- Yeah.
- What ya doing?
- Taking Stan to meet the missus.
The missus? Are you married?
I sure am. To the finest woman in the world.
And how she can cook.
- Ollie, did you get my note?
- What note?
I just sent a note up and I wouldn't
want anybody but you to read it.
- What was in it?
- I was just... reminiscing.
Ohhh! We gotta get that note!
- Ollie. When you get it, burn it.
- I will, don't worry!
8:30...
- Hey, what ya do that for?
- Don't bother me!
Pop! Come out here!
That fat guy kicked my ball down the stairs.
- Hey, you. Come here.
- Is there gonna be a fight?
Shh!
- Go downstairs and get that ball.
- I'm busy...
- Get going!
- Yes, sir.
- Go and get the ball for me.
- Why should I go down and get it?
I've got to get the note.
It's a matter of life and death.
- (Whimpering) I don't want to!
- Don't argue with me. And hurry up!
- Where's that ball?
- My friend's...
- I told you to get it!
- I know but...
Go on down and get that ball!
I'll wait till you bring it back.
If he thinks I'm gonna
run downstairs, he's crazy.
Give it to the kid
and don't let it happen again.
Hey, Pop! That guy kicked me!
Why don't you put some ice in it?
Come on.
- Why didn't you tell me you had the key?
- You didn't ask me.
"Didn't ask me"!
- Gee, that's pretty underwear.
- Don't get personal.
- Mr Hardy?
- Ohh!
Yes, Mrs Gilbert?
- This note was left here by mistake.
- Thank you.
- Who's it from?
- It's from Lulu... No, it isn't.
- How do I know who it's from?
- This is my friend Mr Laurel, Mrs Gilbert.
- How do you do?
- Mrs Gilbert is my neighbour.
- He's going to stay with us.
- Oh, how nice.
- How's Mrs Hardy?
- She's still just as sweet as ever.
I was telling him how well she cooks.
Yes. I hear she's one of the best.
I hope you have a pleasant stay.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
(Knocking)
Come in here.
Yoo-hoo! Oh, honey?
Oh, darling!
Oh, baby?
She's gone shopping.
Sit down and make yourself at home.
You've got a swell place here.
Well, it's comfy.
- Have you got a cigarette?
- I never smoke.
Would your wife mind if I smoke my pipe?
Of course not.
What's all right with me is OK with her.
But a lot of dames are particular.
But she's not... What do you mean,
calling my wife a dame?
(Crashing)
Hello, honey.
So you were going to be back in an hour?
- Is that the wife?
- Yeah.
- You said she was the...
- She's only clowning. Come and meet her.
She's the greatest kidder
in the world. Darling?
Sugar, I want you to meet my buddy.
How often have I told you
not to bring your tramp friends here?
But I haven't seen Stan in 20 years.
I couldn't see him in a hundred years.
This is no time for levity. I've been
telling him how wonderful you could cook.
- Oh, you have?
- How about a thick, juicy steak?
- Who put that bee in your bonnet?
- He did, didn't you?
If you think
I'm going to stand over a hot stove
and cook for every knick-knack,
you're crazy.
(Gurgling)
Excuse me.
But, toots, Stanley's different.
I'll say he's different.
And don't call me toots!
- What's a knick-knack?
- A thing that sits on top of a whatnot.
And don't bother me!
(Gurgling)
(lndistinct arguing)
Will you shut up?!
If you knew this boy, you'd appreciate him.
I went to the Soldier's Home to get
him to have a nice big, juicy steak.
(Knocking)
Come outta there!
And put that pipe out.
(All talking at once)
Will you get out of my way? I'd like
somebody to cook for me for a change.
I'm not gonna stay here the rest
of my life slaving over a hot stove
for you and your good-for-nothing
buddies. Goodbye!
Goodbye.
- Let that be a lesson to you.
- What?
Never get married.
Well, thanks for the lovely time.
I'll be seeing you later.
- Where are you going?
- The Soldier's Home.
- What for?
- To eat.
You'll have something to eat
if I have to cook it myself.
You go and light the oven
and I'll set the table.
- We'll show her.
- I'll say we'll show her.
Ha! Ha! You can't do that to me!
Ha!
(Gas hissing)
Ollie?
- What?
- You got a match?
- What for?
- I want to light the oven.
Go and sit down.
You get on my nerves. I'll light it.
Any time I want something done right,
I always have to do it myself.
- (Explosion)
- Ohhh!
Mr Hardy, what in the world happened?
We had a slight accident.
I was planning to cook dinner
for Mr Laurel and...
- Where's Mrs Hardy?
- Luckily, she went out.
What would she think if she saw this?
- I shudder to think.
- Let me help you clean it up.
That's awfully sweet of you.
(Wheezing)
- Where have you been?
- I thought there was an earthquake.
Turn the gas off and get me some punch.
I'm a nervous wreck.
And get one for Mrs Gilbert.
Never mind. I'll do it myself.
That's right. Whenever you want anything
done right, always do it yourself.
- Pardon us.
- Certainly.
We'll have this place cleaned up in a jiffy.
- (Hissing)
- Turn that gas off.
Get me some glasses.
Ohh!
(Crashing)
Gee, I'm awfully sorry, Mrs Gilbert.
That's quite all right.
Accidents will happen.
- I'll get you something.
- No, don't bother.
I'll go to the apartment.
It won't take a minute to change.
- I'll be right back.
- That's awfully kind of you.
What happened?
(Crashing)
"What happened"! Oh!
Something wrong?
I left my key in the apartment. What'll I do?
Maybe Mrs Hardy left something
you can slip on.
Here, Mrs Gilbert. This is all I could find.
Take off that wet dress
before you catch cold.
I'll phone downstairs
and have them send you up a key.
- Thank you, Mr Hardy.
- You're welcome. Thank you.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello.
- This is Mr Hardy. How are you?
- Fine.
- Good.
- Nice weather we're having.
It's a beautiful day.
Mrs Gilbert is locked out of her apartment.
- Will you send up a key?
- What's the number?
Just a minute.
Why should I send up a key?
If she came in here and...
Mrs Gilbert, the phone is out of order.
I'll have to go downstairs.
- Would you do that?
- Yes. I'll be back in just a jiffy.
Don't take too long.
- Mrs Hardy is coming.
- That's all right. I can explain.
Not in my pyjamas you can't.
You don't know my wife.
- What are we going to do?
- We've got to hide.
- I'll find a place over here.
- You come with me.
- There's no place in here to hide.
- We must find a place. My wife'll kill me!
- Sit like a chair.
- What?
Sit like a chair, like that.
And don't make a noise.
Hold still.
Come on, quick. We can hide in here.
- What happened here?
- I don't know. We started to cook...
- Where's that big, fat billycan of mine?
- He's hiding.
- Where?
- In there.
Oh, he is, is he?
Well, he won't be hiding long.
"...see my grandfather.
The grandfather laughed. He said..."
- Hello, sugar.
- Don't sugar me!
How come my car's all smashed?
- Well, dear...
- Sit down!
I come back after five minutes
and find the place wrecked!
- If you let me...
- Sit down!
Have you been playing soldier?
(All talking at once)
I try to keep things nice for you
and I come back and find things wrecked!
Sit down, I tell you!
If you think I'm going home
to Mother, you're crazy.
Silly to go on arguing like...
I wouldn't argue.
After all, it's no good to argue.
Just because I came up here.
I had nothing to do with it.
Silly to go on arguing like that.
What are you arguing about?
If you want me to go,
I'll stay as long as you want.
Silliest thing I ever heard.
(Argument continues)
And I gave you a dollar and 25 cents!
Silliest thing I ever heard.
I wish you'd stop this argument.
It's the silliest thing I ever...
I never heard anything like it in my life.
- Isn't that terrible?
- Get up from there.
Oh, my beautiful stove!
What did you do with the kitchen?
It's wrecked!
(All shouting)
(Wheezing)
- And another thing!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down! I'm the boss here!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Oh! I'm fed up!
- Sit down! Get up!
(lndistinct ranting)
Get up out of there! Stand up!
- She said I could.
- I don't care!
If I want to sit down, I'll sit down.
I can do just as I like
cos she told me that I could sit...
Big dumbbell!
In the trunk. Quick. Get in here quick!
- Let me tell you something.
- Let me tell you something...
- Sit down! You listen to me...
- Shush!
- I've had enough of this.
- How dare you?
Tut tut tut tut!
I'm going to leave for a change!
And I am not going home to Mother.
Pardon us.
Come, Stanley.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha!
Just a minute!
Where do you think you're going?
I've packed and I'm leaving for Honolulu!
You are? Who put that bee in your bonnet?
Stan said I should get out of here.
Besides, the trip will do me good.
Oh, you did?
So not content with wrecking my home,
you wanna take my husband away?
I'll fix you!
- Is there gonna be a fight?
- Shh!
- Wait a minute!
- Let me tell you something...
(Argument continues)
What's the matter?
(Mrs Hardy) I'll tell you what's the matter.
That little worm is trying to break up
my happy home!
But I'll have the police take him back to
the Old Soldier's Home where he belongs!
So you're a home breaker, huh?
You look like the kind of a guy
that would break up a happy home.
You know what I would do to anybody
that comes between me and my wife?
I'd get my trusty fowling piece
and I'd blow him...
to nothing!
I had nothing to do with it.
He brought me here.
- He was gonna give me a nice steak...
- What happened?
He's got a girl in the trunk
and he didn't want his wife to know.
- What did you tell him that for?
- He asked me.
When the wife's away, the rats will play!
Why bring them into your own home?
That's ridiculous.
Come with me sometime.
I know where there's a whole bunch.
Listen. Why do you think
I go to Borneo all the time?
You can come with me sometime.
You too. How do you do? I was gonna...
My wife!
I kill him!
I can't miss all the time!
- The men are ready, sir.
Private Laurel.
You stay here and guard this post
until relieved from duty.
Gee, I wish I was going with you.
Take care of yourself.
Don't worry about me, Stan.
I'll be back. We'll all be back.
So long, pal.
(Heavy gunfire)
(Gunfire stops)
(Jazzy bugle call)
(Aircraft humming)
You brainless idiot!
What are you trying to do?!
- Put that thing down!
- War is war and I've got my orders.
- What orders?
- To guard this post.
You block-head!
The war's been over for 20 years.
It doesn't make any difference.
When I'm told to do something...
- What d'you say?
- The war's been over for 20 years.
Eh?
The war's been over for 20 years!
Ha! How time flies.
Just seems like yesterday.
- What d'you say?
- You heard me.
- Well, that accounts for it.
- Accounts for what?
Everything's been kinda quiet lately.
Come with me. I'll see that you get home.
War's been over for...
Well, it's better than staying here.
Thanks very much. Are you sure
the war's been over for 20 years?
Positively. I can prove it to you.
If it isn't, somebody's going
to get into an awful jam.
Paper! Morning paper!
Were the eggs done enough
this morning, dear?
Is there anything else, dear?
I almost burned my finger
on the bacon this morning.
My love, you've got something
on your mind.
You can't fool your baby Oliver.
Oh, Oliver! You don't even remember
what happened a year ago today.
Was that the day I fell off the bicycle?
No, Oliver. Now just try to think.
It had something to do with you and me.
I give up. I can't quite remember
what you mean.
Unless it was the day
we got married... That's it!
It was just a year ago today
that you came into my heart.
How could I forget?
Congratulations, Mrs Hardy.
Of course I didn't forget.
We'll celebrate. We'll have a party.
Oh, Oliver!
How I've looked forward to this day.
I planned a dinner just for the two of us,
as I did a year ago tonight.
- You're so sweet and I'm such a cad.
- No, you're not.
We'll do anything your little heart desires.
We'll have a nice quiet dinner
and after that, we'll sit and hold hands
and I'll whisper sweet nothings
in your ear.
Oh, Oliver!
This is wonderful. And you are so wonderful.
Could I have an extra dollar
with my allowance?
Isn't 75 cents a day enough for you?
Usually it is but today is different.
I wish you wouldn't ask me what I'm
going to do with it. It's to be a surprise.
Oh, Oliver, of course.
You can have a dollar
and 25 cents more... today.
There's one more thing.
Do you mind if I use the car?
I'll only be gone one hour.
Of course not.
But be careful and hurry right back.
Thank you. I won't even say goodbye,
my precious little Fig Newton.
I'll just say, pardon me for one hour.
And make that hour short.
(Whistles merrily)
- Good morning, Mrs Gilbert.
- Good morning, Mr Hardy.
Gorgeous day, isn't it? Bright, cheerful.
- It's a lovely day.
- This is quite a day for me.
My anniversary... and Mrs Hardy's too.
- Oh, how nice! Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I have reason to celebrate. Mr Gilbert is due
back after two months hunting in Africa.
Oh, fine! Then we both have a reason
to celebrate. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh. It's all right. I'll get them.
Hello, darling. This is Mr Hardy.
My husband, Mr Gilbert.
How do you do?
You came back unexpectedly.
Yes. You see, we were holding hands...
We were shaking hands
and the newspapers fell out.
Well, I guess we can get up now.
I guess we'd better be going. Goodbye.
I'm glad to have seen you.
Excuse me. My mistake. I'm sorry.
Oh. There you are.
Goodbye. Oh... Goodbye, Mr Gilbert.
- And who is that snake?
- Mr Hardy. He's our neighbour.
Come in, dear.
It's so nice to have you home.
Good morning, James.
What's the news this morning?
A fella stayed in the trenches
20 years after the war.
- He didn't know it was over!
- How could anyone be so stupid?
I don't know. Here's his picture.
I can't imagine anybody being that dumb.
Oh, yes, I can!
(Deep voice) Out, please.
- (Deep voice) Thank you.
- Quite all right, sir.
Down, please.
(Bang)
(Crashing)
I don't see him just now but you'll
find him on the grounds somewhere.
Thank you.
- Ollie!
- Stan! Don't get up now. Sit right there.
- How did you know I was here?
- I saw your picture in the paper.
- How did I look?
- You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you. If I hadn't have seen you,
I never would have known you.
- Gee, I'm glad to see you.
- I'm glad to see you too.
- Have you missed me?
- I certainly have.
I missed you too.
How's things and everything?
Everything's just fine. I got married.
You don't tell me? Who d'ya marry? Fifi?
- No.
- Er, Lulu?
- No.
- Camille?
- No.
- I know. Fanny.
No. You wouldn't know her.
She's a local girl.
Wait till you meet her. She's one
of the finest women that ever lived.
- Don't tell.
- And can she cook!
- Can she?
- Can she?
Wait till you put your legs
under that table... Pardon me.
Wait till you put your leg under that table
and put your teeth into a big, thick,
juicy steak covered with mushrooms
and those hot biscuits
oozing with molten butter.
And those seven-layered chocolate cakes
swimming in whipped cream.
- Any beans?
- You can have beans if you want.
- You can have anything you want.
- (Bugle call)
It was nice of you to call, Ollie.
I hope you'll come see me again sometime.
I've got to be going.
- Where are you going?
- It's call for mess. I've got to eat.
You're coming home with me
to meet the missus.
- Am I?
- And have a big, thick, juicy steak.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
I want you to remember -
from now on, my home is your home.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
And I'm never going to let you
out of my sight again.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- You're welcome.
Just sit back and relax.
I'm sure glad to see you, kid.
Gee, Ollie. This is just like old times.
You and I being together.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
- We sure used to have a lot of fun.
- We sure did.
- You remember how dumb I used to be?
- Yeah.
- I'm better now.
- I'm certainly glad to hear it.
- Will you wait a minute, Ollie?
- Why?
- I want a drink of water.
- You sit right there. I'll get it.
- I only want to get to the faucet.
- How can you get there?
You just sit and relax. I'll be right back.
Hey! Come on, lug. Get outta that chair.
What do you mean insulting my friend?
That's my buddy's chair.
I'll give it to you when I'm ready.
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
Well, are you ready to give it to me?
On second thought, yes.
Don't exert yourself, Stanley. I'll carry you.
Are you comfortable?
Thank you, Stanley.
We haven't got much further to go now.
- Well, here we are.
- Is this your car?
No, it belongs to the missus.
- Sure is a pretty one.
- It's practically new.
Look, you can see yourself in it.
That's... No, I got it. That way.
- Now I'm nearly in.
- All right.
There's one...
Come here!
Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?
You didn't ask me.
- Get in the car!
- I've always had 'em.
You are better now? Hm!
Go and get the guy to move that truck.
Go on.
(Air hisses)
- The guy isn't there.
- Well, move it yourself.
(Engine starts)
(Gears crunch)
(Pneumatic hiss)
Hold it. Steady. Thank you.
You can say that that was
the largest boar ever bagged in India.
Kept me two months extra months away.
- I'll bet there's a story behind it.
- You said it.
He gave me more trouble
than a bunch of elephants.
It's safer to hunt on horseback
but I was on foot when he charged me.
When he got close enough, I fired.
The gun jammed. It was a narrow escape.
But what did you do?
To look at me, you wouldn't believe
that I am very light on my feet.
- I jumped to one side.
- You were in a spot.
But not for long.
If you keep cool, everything is all right
and I was cool - I had a chill in my back.
I took out both of my revolvers
and I let him have 12 shots. Six and six.
He almost made you a widow, Mrs Gilbert.
I never worry about my husband.
When he takes aim, it's a bullseye.
Unlike other hunters,
I don't bring 'em back alive.
I bring 'em back dead. I come back alive.
Did you get those elephant tusks in India?
No. In Africa. I was with my safari...
"Safari" means a bunch of native boys.
I had my lion gun with me -
that's smaller than an elephant gun.
When jumbo came charging after me,
I let him have the full magazine.
You think that bothered him?
That made him angry. It made him mad!
He pulled over five or six trees.
He charged again. I took aim.
And I let him have it.
- I'll be that did the trick.
- Well, there's his teeth.
I've got to go down to the gun shop. I'm
having a new gun made especially for me.
I mean, for elephants. Goodbye, dear.
- Goodbye, darling.
- Excuse me.
Thanks. This'll make an interesting story.
- Who opened the door?
- No one.
- It opens automatically.
- How do you mean?
Well, you see that plate?
You just drive over that, the door opens.
I never saw anything like that.
Mind if I try it?
No. Go ahead. Just drive straight back.
Now just drive it forward.
Ohhh!
(Ollie groaning)
- What's it say?
- "Out of order."
- Where'd you get that?
- I found it on there.
The fella put it on there when you were...
We'll have to walk up.
(Crashing)
- What floor do you live on?
- The 13th.
- Gee, that's quite a way.
- We'll be up there in a jiffy.
What's 13 flights?
Going up?
- Five.
- That's right. Won't be long now.
- Six.
- Mm.
- How long did you say it would take?
- Just a jiffy.
- How far's a jiffy?
- About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.
Didn't think it was so far.
Surprising the distance...
- Seven.
- Uh-huh.
- How many with seven makes 13?
- Six.
Swell. We've only got six more jiffies.
Won't be long now.
(Buzzer)
- Eight.
- Nine.
I think we'd better rest a while.
That was a good idea of yours.
Come, come. Don't block the stairway.
Who do you think you're talking to?!
You, you big overstuffed polliwog!
- You smile when you call me that!
- Ha!
If we weren't in this apartment house,
I'd wipe the floor with you!
- Don't let that stop you.
- Take him outside.
- Outside?
- See? He's afraid to go.
Who's afraid to go? Any time you're ready!
Well, there's no time like the present!
- I should say not.
- Come on!
You can't get away with that with me.
Polliwog, huh?
He can't talk to you like that.
There's going to be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
Hey, Ollie? What's a polliwog?
- I'll tell you later.
- There's gonna be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
There's gonna be a fight.
You think you can get away with that?
There's gonna be a fight.
I'd better help you.
Never mind. Just leave it to me.
It'll be over in a jiffy.
Hey. There's gonna be a fight.
We'll show him!
- If you apologise, it's all right with me.
- Apologise?! Ha! For what?
For calling me an overstuffed polliwog!
No man can call me an overstuffed
polliwog and get away with it!
All right.
You're not an overstuffed polliwog.
- That's better.
- You're an inflated blimp!
That's different.
I don't know what that means,
but these people can't be wrong.
- Then fight and shut up.
- You bet your life I'll fight.
The very idea!
He wants to fight! Come outside.
I'm gonna give you one more chance
to apologise.
Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I apologise.
I knew he was yellow!
Yellow, eh?!
Get back there and fight!
- You'd better call an ambulance.
- Yes, sir.
There's gonna be a fight. You'd better come.
- What happened?
- The fight is over.
(Horn toots)
- What did you do to him?
- Never mind.
Why did you suggest coming down here
when we could have done the same thing
on the tenth floor?
- I didn't know he was gonna...
- (Woman) Ollie!
Lulu! Gee, I haven't seen you in ages.
- You remember Stan?
- How could I forget him?
I met him today.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.
Everybody thought I was dead, didn't they?
- How did you find out you weren't?
- Well, I figured that...
- I saw my picture in the paper.
- Yeah.
- What ya doing?
- Taking Stan to meet the missus.
The missus? Are you married?
I sure am. To the finest woman in the world.
And how she can cook.
- Ollie, did you get my note?
- What note?
I just sent a note up and I wouldn't
want anybody but you to read it.
- What was in it?
- I was just... reminiscing.
Ohhh! We gotta get that note!
- Ollie. When you get it, burn it.
- I will, don't worry!
8:30...
- Hey, what ya do that for?
- Don't bother me!
Pop! Come out here!
That fat guy kicked my ball down the stairs.
- Hey, you. Come here.
- Is there gonna be a fight?
Shh!
- Go downstairs and get that ball.
- I'm busy...
- Get going!
- Yes, sir.
- Go and get the ball for me.
- Why should I go down and get it?
I've got to get the note.
It's a matter of life and death.
- (Whimpering) I don't want to!
- Don't argue with me. And hurry up!
- Where's that ball?
- My friend's...
- I told you to get it!
- I know but...
Go on down and get that ball!
I'll wait till you bring it back.
If he thinks I'm gonna
run downstairs, he's crazy.
Give it to the kid
and don't let it happen again.
Hey, Pop! That guy kicked me!
Why don't you put some ice in it?
Come on.
- Why didn't you tell me you had the key?
- You didn't ask me.
"Didn't ask me"!
- Gee, that's pretty underwear.
- Don't get personal.
- Mr Hardy?
- Ohh!
Yes, Mrs Gilbert?
- This note was left here by mistake.
- Thank you.
- Who's it from?
- It's from Lulu... No, it isn't.
- How do I know who it's from?
- This is my friend Mr Laurel, Mrs Gilbert.
- How do you do?
- Mrs Gilbert is my neighbour.
- He's going to stay with us.
- Oh, how nice.
- How's Mrs Hardy?
- She's still just as sweet as ever.
I was telling him how well she cooks.
Yes. I hear she's one of the best.
I hope you have a pleasant stay.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
(Knocking)
Come in here.
Yoo-hoo! Oh, honey?
Oh, darling!
Oh, baby?
She's gone shopping.
Sit down and make yourself at home.
You've got a swell place here.
Well, it's comfy.
- Have you got a cigarette?
- I never smoke.
Would your wife mind if I smoke my pipe?
Of course not.
What's all right with me is OK with her.
But a lot of dames are particular.
But she's not... What do you mean,
calling my wife a dame?
(Crashing)
Hello, honey.
So you were going to be back in an hour?
- Is that the wife?
- Yeah.
- You said she was the...
- She's only clowning. Come and meet her.
She's the greatest kidder
in the world. Darling?
Sugar, I want you to meet my buddy.
How often have I told you
not to bring your tramp friends here?
But I haven't seen Stan in 20 years.
I couldn't see him in a hundred years.
This is no time for levity. I've been
telling him how wonderful you could cook.
- Oh, you have?
- How about a thick, juicy steak?
- Who put that bee in your bonnet?
- He did, didn't you?
If you think
I'm going to stand over a hot stove
and cook for every knick-knack,
you're crazy.
(Gurgling)
Excuse me.
But, toots, Stanley's different.
I'll say he's different.
And don't call me toots!
- What's a knick-knack?
- A thing that sits on top of a whatnot.
And don't bother me!
(Gurgling)
(lndistinct arguing)
Will you shut up?!
If you knew this boy, you'd appreciate him.
I went to the Soldier's Home to get
him to have a nice big, juicy steak.
(Knocking)
Come outta there!
And put that pipe out.
(All talking at once)
Will you get out of my way? I'd like
somebody to cook for me for a change.
I'm not gonna stay here the rest
of my life slaving over a hot stove
for you and your good-for-nothing
buddies. Goodbye!
Goodbye.
- Let that be a lesson to you.
- What?
Never get married.
Well, thanks for the lovely time.
I'll be seeing you later.
- Where are you going?
- The Soldier's Home.
- What for?
- To eat.
You'll have something to eat
if I have to cook it myself.
You go and light the oven
and I'll set the table.
- We'll show her.
- I'll say we'll show her.
Ha! Ha! You can't do that to me!
Ha!
(Gas hissing)
Ollie?
- What?
- You got a match?
- What for?
- I want to light the oven.
Go and sit down.
You get on my nerves. I'll light it.
Any time I want something done right,
I always have to do it myself.
- (Explosion)
- Ohhh!
Mr Hardy, what in the world happened?
We had a slight accident.
I was planning to cook dinner
for Mr Laurel and...
- Where's Mrs Hardy?
- Luckily, she went out.
What would she think if she saw this?
- I shudder to think.
- Let me help you clean it up.
That's awfully sweet of you.
(Wheezing)
- Where have you been?
- I thought there was an earthquake.
Turn the gas off and get me some punch.
I'm a nervous wreck.
And get one for Mrs Gilbert.
Never mind. I'll do it myself.
That's right. Whenever you want anything
done right, always do it yourself.
- Pardon us.
- Certainly.
We'll have this place cleaned up in a jiffy.
- (Hissing)
- Turn that gas off.
Get me some glasses.
Ohh!
(Crashing)
Gee, I'm awfully sorry, Mrs Gilbert.
That's quite all right.
Accidents will happen.
- I'll get you something.
- No, don't bother.
I'll go to the apartment.
It won't take a minute to change.
- I'll be right back.
- That's awfully kind of you.
What happened?
(Crashing)
"What happened"! Oh!
Something wrong?
I left my key in the apartment. What'll I do?
Maybe Mrs Hardy left something
you can slip on.
Here, Mrs Gilbert. This is all I could find.
Take off that wet dress
before you catch cold.
I'll phone downstairs
and have them send you up a key.
- Thank you, Mr Hardy.
- You're welcome. Thank you.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello.
- This is Mr Hardy. How are you?
- Fine.
- Good.
- Nice weather we're having.
It's a beautiful day.
Mrs Gilbert is locked out of her apartment.
- Will you send up a key?
- What's the number?
Just a minute.
Why should I send up a key?
If she came in here and...
Mrs Gilbert, the phone is out of order.
I'll have to go downstairs.
- Would you do that?
- Yes. I'll be back in just a jiffy.
Don't take too long.
- Mrs Hardy is coming.
- That's all right. I can explain.
Not in my pyjamas you can't.
You don't know my wife.
- What are we going to do?
- We've got to hide.
- I'll find a place over here.
- You come with me.
- There's no place in here to hide.
- We must find a place. My wife'll kill me!
- Sit like a chair.
- What?
Sit like a chair, like that.
And don't make a noise.
Hold still.
Come on, quick. We can hide in here.
- What happened here?
- I don't know. We started to cook...
- Where's that big, fat billycan of mine?
- He's hiding.
- Where?
- In there.
Oh, he is, is he?
Well, he won't be hiding long.
"...see my grandfather.
The grandfather laughed. He said..."
- Hello, sugar.
- Don't sugar me!
How come my car's all smashed?
- Well, dear...
- Sit down!
I come back after five minutes
and find the place wrecked!
- If you let me...
- Sit down!
Have you been playing soldier?
(All talking at once)
I try to keep things nice for you
and I come back and find things wrecked!
Sit down, I tell you!
If you think I'm going home
to Mother, you're crazy.
Silly to go on arguing like...
I wouldn't argue.
After all, it's no good to argue.
Just because I came up here.
I had nothing to do with it.
Silly to go on arguing like that.
What are you arguing about?
If you want me to go,
I'll stay as long as you want.
Silliest thing I ever heard.
(Argument continues)
And I gave you a dollar and 25 cents!
Silliest thing I ever heard.
I wish you'd stop this argument.
It's the silliest thing I ever...
I never heard anything like it in my life.
- Isn't that terrible?
- Get up from there.
Oh, my beautiful stove!
What did you do with the kitchen?
It's wrecked!
(All shouting)
(Wheezing)
- And another thing!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Sit down! I'm the boss here!
- Sit down!
- Get up!
- Oh! I'm fed up!
- Sit down! Get up!
(lndistinct ranting)
Get up out of there! Stand up!
- She said I could.
- I don't care!
If I want to sit down, I'll sit down.
I can do just as I like
cos she told me that I could sit...
Big dumbbell!
In the trunk. Quick. Get in here quick!
- Let me tell you something.
- Let me tell you something...
- Sit down! You listen to me...
- Shush!
- I've had enough of this.
- How dare you?
Tut tut tut tut!
I'm going to leave for a change!
And I am not going home to Mother.
Pardon us.
Come, Stanley.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha!
Just a minute!
Where do you think you're going?
I've packed and I'm leaving for Honolulu!
You are? Who put that bee in your bonnet?
Stan said I should get out of here.
Besides, the trip will do me good.
Oh, you did?
So not content with wrecking my home,
you wanna take my husband away?
I'll fix you!
- Is there gonna be a fight?
- Shh!
- Wait a minute!
- Let me tell you something...
(Argument continues)
What's the matter?
(Mrs Hardy) I'll tell you what's the matter.
That little worm is trying to break up
my happy home!
But I'll have the police take him back to
the Old Soldier's Home where he belongs!
So you're a home breaker, huh?
You look like the kind of a guy
that would break up a happy home.
You know what I would do to anybody
that comes between me and my wife?
I'd get my trusty fowling piece
and I'd blow him...
to nothing!
I had nothing to do with it.
He brought me here.
- He was gonna give me a nice steak...
- What happened?
He's got a girl in the trunk
and he didn't want his wife to know.
- What did you tell him that for?
- He asked me.
When the wife's away, the rats will play!
Why bring them into your own home?
That's ridiculous.
Come with me sometime.
I know where there's a whole bunch.
Listen. Why do you think
I go to Borneo all the time?
You can come with me sometime.
You too. How do you do? I was gonna...
My wife!
I kill him!
I can't miss all the time!