Blockers (2018) Movie Script

(grand orchestral fanfare
playing)
(children chattering playfully)
WOMAN:
It's okay.
You're gonna love it.
Happy first day of school.
Bye, sweetie.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Hey. I'm Sam.
Hi. I'm Julie.
(all giggling)
- Bye.
- Bye, Mom.
(giggling continues)
I'm Hunter.
Sam's mine right there.
The one with the glasses.
I'm Lisa.
That's my Julie.
I'm Mitchell. (sniffles)
Kayla's hero.
Oh, are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
- You crying?
No, man, it's a...
big day, that's all.
- Yeah.
- You know, can I have a tissue, please?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
- It's a big day for all of us.
- Yeah.
MITCHELL:
Thanks. (sighs)
(sighs, chuckles)
KAYLA:
Come on, let's go!
HUNTER: I think our daughters
are friends.
- SAM: I'm so excited!
- JULIE: Me, too.
And I think that means
we're friends.
(chuckling)
Should we go get a drink?
You okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Do you guys want to go get a drink?
Just... Ah, they made it.
You guys want to go grab
a drink real quick?
Is he asking us if we want
to go grab a drink?
I'm really hoping it's coffee.
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah...
(overlapping chatter)
Is it a dream
keeping you awake?
(indistinct chatter)
- Aah! That's so...
- Shut the fuck up.
Is it the stillness
- Happy Halloween!
- That makes you shake?
(speaking mock Kazakh
a la Borat)
I can see Russia from my house.
- GIRLS: Red Vines!
- HUNTER: Red Vines!
MITCHELL:
Red Vines!
What's on
the ocean's floor...
(cheering)
That's right!
(shouts indistinctly)
(whooping)
Hey, hey, Hunter, get out, man.
(girls squealing)
LISA:
Put your seat belts on!
Oh, my God!
(all screaming excitedly)
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
No way! Thank you, Mom!
Thank you so much! (squeals)
Be careful.
(over phone): Just walk
your fine ass out the door
I do my hair toss,
check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Feelin' good as hell
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
MAN (over TV):
Absolutely gorgeous out.
You're probably gonna miss
these mornings
that we spend together, right?
Stop.
You're gonna make me cry.
And I don't want to cry,
because it's prom night.
And it's supposed to be,
like, the most magical night
of your life, and, you know,
I'm just so anxious about it.
Well, call me
if you feel anxious.
Or maybe FaceTime me,
if it wasn't too loud.
I mean, if it was too loud,
you could just...
we could wave or whatever.
(chuckling):
That'd be funny.
And then I can do...
You know what I was thinking?
You should send me photos
throughout the night.
Like, not...
not, like, all night long,
but if you could do it
like every 30 minutes or so,
then I can put together
one of those iBooks.
- That would be so fun.
- Yeah.
That would be a really...
I don't think
you would regret that.
(Lisa chuckles)
- Mom?
- Mm-hmm?
Are you gonna be okay
when I go to college?
Who, me?
Yeah.
Me?
(laughs)
What?
Pl-Please.
Don't even get me... (laughs)
Don't even...
- Please.
- (Julie chuckles)
Okay, bye, Mom!
- Okay, bye.
- I love you.
Okay, I love you.
MARCIE:
Oh, good, you did the laundry.
Yeah, and got a totally sleepy,
happy baby.
Full-blown Renaissance man.
- (chuckling): Oh.
- Believe it.
It's a good thing
she's asleep, too.
I was going through
the laundry.
- Uh-huh.
- Found these new thongs.
You know what I'm gonna do
with these?
Paging Dr. Muff Diver.
Dr. Muff Diver, you're needed
in the O.R. immediately.
Emergency surgery.
Later on tonight,
I'm tearing these off
with my teeth
like an old-school
cartoon billy goat.
- (grunting, snorting)
- Honey.
Mitchell.
Those are your daughter's.
(retches, spits)
No way. Kayla wears cleats
and Bears jerseys,
not some dirty
stripper underwear.
You thought they were mine.
What, am I giving her allowance
in singles?
Go tell her
she can't wear these.
Tell her
they'll make her sterile,
like with the laptop
and my brother's balls.
We're not sure that's what
happened with your brother.
Honey, you're being ridiculous.
Kayla's becoming a woman.
This isn't the time
to tighten your grip;
it's the time to loosen it.
This? This means
we tighten the grip.
This isn't built for comfort;
it's built for speed.
We need to slow it
the fuck down.
The appliances go in
after the backsplash.
We've done it the same way
every time.
(takes deep breath)
Uh-huh. All right,
put him on the phone.
(knocking)
KAYLA:
I'm in the bathroom.
(sighs)
(buzzing)
Thanks.
I was looking for that.
You mind telling me
what this is?
- Uh, fuzz.
- Yeah.
Yeah, fuzz.
That's what I thought it was,
and then upon further
investigation,
it is clearly an unraveled
filter of a cigarette.
Kayla, are you a... a smoker?
What? No.
Not a smoker, Dad.
Hey, haven't you seen the
billions of ads that tell you
- not to do this stuff?
- Dad!
You can't teach someone
not to try things, okay?
That's what trying things
is for... to teach you things.
It's a contradiction.
It's like telling me
not to go for a triple
on a base hit to the gap
when I've made a good turn
around first
and I know that the
right fielder has a weak arm.
Damn it, you're smart.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
Time to get ready
for school, Dad.
Okay, all right.
Julie! Sam!
- Hey, girl!
- (tires squealing)
Whoa!
(laughing)
- I almost died.
- Prom night!
- (whooping)
- Prom!
I'm so, so excited.
Oh, me, too.
(school bell ringing)
Mm. I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
- We're so gross.
- I know.
People are looking at us.
- I don't care.
- We better get
"cutest couple"
in the yearbook.
Here we go
Here we go.
I'm having sex.
That's great.
I'm having soup.
No.
Tonight with Austin.
- Wait, you're finally gonna do it?
- Yeah.
I mean, you know, we've been
dating for six months,
and we love each other,
and I just awkwardly
got my pediatrician
to put me on birth control.
She gave me a sticker.
Two because I was good, so...
I know it's, like, kind of
corny or whatever, but it just
seems like prom night...
it's kind of perfect, you know?
We're gonna have, like,
dim lighting
and rose petals on the bed
and the scent from that candle
that gets me horny
every time I pass it
in Walgreens.
All candles get me horny.
JULIE: I'm gonna look
into Austin's eyes,
and then he's gonna look
into mine,
and then we're gonna, like,
touch each other's faces,
you know?
For, like, a long time.
Like, a long time.
Just to, like, connect.
And then we're gonna...
Kapow.
All right, fuck it, I'm in.
- What?
- I'm in.
I'm having sex tonight, too.
Uh... just like that?
Yeah. I mean, why not?
Because it's your first time,
and your first time
should be special and perfect.
Yours can be special
and perfect.
Mine is gonna be tonight
and with that dude.
Yeah, they're just brownies.
They're not, like...
SAM: Connor Aldrich?
Your lab partner?
- Yeah. What?
- You haven't even hooked up with him.
You haven't even
seen his thing yet.
What if he has a weird one?
They're all weird.
Penises are not for looking at.
They're for use.
They're like plungers.
Listen, my student athlete days
are over.
Tonight is the beginning
of my adult life,
and for the first time
I can do whatever I want.
So I want to go to prom,
get drunk,
get potted up on weed
and lose my goddamn virginity.
We're gonna have the same
first-time-sex anniversary.
We can go to dinner every year
and commemorate it.
- Olive Garden.
- Yes! Olive Garden.
Breadsticks for life, bitch.
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God, it is gonna be
such a relief to get this over
and done with before college.
Um, no, I mean, like...
No, it's cool.
I just don't think
I'm there yet.
You know, maybe something
might happen tonight
with me and Chad, but, uh,
I don't think sex
is gonna be that thing.
JULIE:
Sam?
(chuckles) But you never know
what could happen.
I mean, maybe
my inner sexual Smaug
will emerge from its keep
and spread its mighty wings.
I never know
what you're talking about.
- Yeah, I... me, neither.
- (school bell ringing)
Oh, my God.
(chuckles)
LISA:
Julie, is that you?
So realistic.
(cell phone buzzing)
Ugh. God.
BRENDA:
Come on, Sam, we're waiting.
Be right there!
- There she is.
- All right, took me 20 minutes
to figure out how to do
video on this thing,
but I finally got it.
- BRENDA: Oh!
- (camera clicks)
Nope. Took a picture of myself.
Siri, video, please.
BRENDA:
Wow! That Chad is going to rip
through his little
tuxedo pants.
- Mom. That's gross.
- What?
- Why?
- 'Cause you're practically imagining
your daughter
in sexual congress.
You sicko.
Ah!
I was just trying
to connect with you.
You never talk to us anymore.
- Hey, I got this.
- Okay.
(sighs)
Prom night, huh?
I got sad and reflective
on my prom night, too.
- You were?
- Yeah. I was scared I wasn't
gonna stay friends
with the guys I had
been around most of my life,
but I was able to...
- Hey, baby, I love you so much.
- What?
You just really
freaked her out.
Sweetie, if you're worried
about that at all,
just know you shouldn't be.
You never stay friends
with people from high school.
I mean, the oldest friend
I have is Jan
from work, and I've known her
for three months.
- Who's Jan?
- You know Jan, babe.
She draws those silly cartoons.
- Oh, racist Jan.
- Yeah, that's the one.
Who you are today
is not who you're going to be.
And that's okay.
- FRANK: That's good therapy.
- And who you become will be
so different that your friends
won't understand you anymore,
and then you will wake up
and realize
these friendships are over.
This feels like
a very painful divorce,
just like the one I had
with your father,
but then you'll find a Frank.
Uh, I appreciate that,
but that's not my deal.
I'm still cool
with a lot of my boys because
on prom night,
me, Dennis, Matt and Cory
all convinced our friend Steve
to join the Army.
He fought
in the Persian Gulf War.
He died right away.
- (Brenda sighs)
- But once you go through
something like that,
you're bonded for life.
The bedrock of deep,
meaningful friendships
is shared experience.
I thought they were gonna
put him in the Reserves.
That is some horseshit.
Hmm.
(footsteps approaching)
Wow.
You look so beautiful.
(gasps) Turn around.
- Wow.
- (Julie chuckles)
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
So, what's the big plan
for after prom?
Uh, we're just going
to Austin's.
You really like him, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's...
Yeah, he's cool. It's not,
like, serious or anything.
His mom told me
he got into UCLA.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, I mean, it's good.
You remember that time
when, like,
I thought about going to UCLA?
Yes.
That would have been crazy.
That would have been
the worst mistake ever.
I don't think it would have
been that huge of a mistake.
Uh, yes, it would have.
(laughs)
University of Chicago
is perfect.
It's 45 minutes away.
So that way you're gone,
but you're not "gone" gone.
But I'm gone.
Right, but not, like, gone.
Right, but, like,
I'm going to college,
and, like,
I'm not gonna live at home,
so I'm, like... I'm gone.
Mm-hmm.
Why are my boobs so big?
- Ready, Kayla?
- KAYLA: Yup.
- And now...
- ("Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project plays)
...standing at five foot,
seven inches...
five, nine if you count
the heels...
straight out
of Great Lakes High School,
the prettiest girl
in all of prom...
Kayla Mannes!
- (cheering)
- (Kayla whoops)
Uh... just high fives
from now on.
- Okay.
- MARCIE: Oh, honey, I never thought
I'd see you in a dress.
MITCHELL: Technically,
it's not a full dress.
Some material is missing
from the middle there.
MARCIE:
Okay.
You look great.
All right.
Yeah, I think it's time to go.
Yes. Yeah.
Honey, we got to go.
- (Mitchell sniffles)
- Honey?
Dad, are you okay?
It's like when
he watched Frozen.
(chuckles) Come on.
(sniffs)
LISA:
Hi. How are you?
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
Oh, Sam.
Hi, Marcie.
Oh. Oh, oh.
- Hey, Mitchell.
- Hey. Haven't seen you in a while.
- Yeah.
- You know, I was worried
when I never heard back
from you about hot yoga.
Called you a bunch of times.
- I ended up having to eat that two-for-one Groupon.
- Oh, yeah.
I don't really do
the hot yoga thing.
- It's just...
- Well, we should catch up, though, right?
- Yeah.
- Like a lunch. I don't know.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, give me a call.
- I've been calling you.
- Mm-hmm.
Doesn't work.
It's not effective.
(cell phone buzzes,
computer chimes)
(cell phone buzzes,
computer chimes)
(chiming)
- (laughter)
- I don't even know. Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, my gosh, thank you.
- You guys, you guys.
Wait, this is, like,
the best lighting
with the Valencia filter,
so wait, wait.
- Oh, God. All right, here we go.
- (camera clicks)
- Yeah, okay, that's enough.
- One more.
- We're good.
- Oh, my God.
We need to get
this party started.
- Ooh! Okay, Julie.
- Hmm?
I got you something.
It's coconut oil.
For lube.
I hear it works just as well
and it makes blow jobs
taste like Almond Joy.
(sighs) Thank God it doesn't
taste like Mounds.
I'd rather eat ten dicks
than one Mound.
- Mm.
- But thank you. That's so sweet.
- Oh!
- Aw!
- Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
- Me, too.
- Oh, my God!
- You have to text me, like, right away.
Oh, my God, we're gonna be
doing it at the same time.
(gasps) Oh, my God. We have
to talk about it tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, every detail.
- There's gonna be so much to talk about.
- Guys?
- Hey, guys.
- (laughing)
I want in on this sex pact.
Are you sure? You don't have
to do this just because we are.
No, that's not why.
I want to have sex. Yeah.
That's something
all three of us have in common.
- Mm-hmm.
- Chad is gonna
tap that ass with his penis.
And I doubt we'll have anal
the first time, but...
- All right.
- This is gonna make tonight
- even more perfect.
- Yeah.
- It's gonna be the three of us!
- Yes!
(all laughing)
HUNTER:
Prom night, motherfuckers!
- (whooping)
- I came to dance, dance, dance, dance...
Yeah! Rudy, it's coming up.
Bear left, bro.
Yeah! Jesus, Rudy.
What the fuck? Yeah!
Oh, my God,
it's my fucking dad.
Hands, hands, hands, hands
You, you...
("Dynamite" by Taio Cruz
playing)
HUNTER:
Yeah! Prom night, bitches!
(Hunter whooping)
- Yeah!
- Oh, God, it's him.
Oh, what's up? Yo!
(singing along to stereo):
We gonna light it up
Like it's prom night
Taio Cruz.
Like it's prom night.
- You got this, girl.
- Don't mess this up,
because that limo
is totally awesome.
Sam. Sam.
Taio Cruz.
Whew!
(music stops)
Sorry.
- Sorry. Ho!
- (sighs)
Whew! (grunts)
You're so grown up. (chuckles)
Dad, what are you doing here?
You think I'm gonna miss
the most important night
of your young life?
(chuckles)
- That's graduation.
- No.
Graduation's for losers.
Didn't even go
to my graduation.
But prom night...
that's a big one.
Prom was the best night
of my life.
I think about it every day,
and I want you to have
the same experience.
Tonight, you have fun.
You don't worry
about any rules that your mom
or Frank laid down.
No one gives a fuck
about Frank.
All I know is this...
you look amazing,
and I would love
to grab a quick pic.
No. Go stand
with the other parents,
and try to be normal.
Sam, I'm not a normal parent.
I'm not gonna...
Just... I don't even fucking...
- Holy shit, you invited Hunter?
- No, of course not.
I haven't talked to him since
he and Brenda got divorced.
- You know he calls me all the time?
- What?
He wants to play darts.
I don't play darts.
- Darts?
- You kidding me?
- Anyway, I can't hang out with him.
- HUNTER: Oh!
- I'll be guilty by association.
- No, no.
- (grunts, whoops)
- I will never forgive that babysitter fucker.
- Hey, Hunter.
- Hey, man. Good to see you.
- What up?
- Hey, all right?
Mwah!
- Ah.
- (Hunter laughing)
Did you have another daughter?
I did. I did. Thank you.
- It's... it's been wonderful.
- Yeah.
I'm thinking about
doing that again.
You know,
the whole second round.
I think a lot of dads kind of
get it right
the second time around.
Or, you know, you could
just raise the one
that you have.
Well, I did.
Too late for that.
Raised. Job done.
Hi, honey.
LISA:
Actually, I heard,
if you spend
a significant amount
of time with your children,
that you develop
some kind of, like,
telekinetic bond with them.
- Is that true?
- I've heard. Mm-hmm.
I hope it's not true,
'cause if it is,
Sam has been looking
at a lot of Asian porn.
- (Hunter chuckling)
- My wife's Asian.
Indian.
That's Asian.
This is more like, uh...
It looks like when...
the typical Asian.
- Yep, good seeing you, man.
- Uh, okay.
Good to see you, brother.
You know what I mean.
Who's this guy? Who are you?
Dad, this is my date.
Hi. Uh, it's great
to meet you, sir.
- I'm-I'm Connor.
- Connor and I...
we're in the same
science class.
We're lab partners.
Yeah, we're working
on our chemistry.
(chuckles)
CONNOR:
Uh...
Um, I'm gonna get a napkin,
if that's cool.
Okay.
Okay, so, uh...
with this, it's, uh, one shot
to the groin, stab and drag.
I refuse to believe
she couldn't do better
- than that loser.
- Oh, I think Chad seems nice.
HUNTER:
Chad? No, Chad's amazing.
- Look at that fedora.
- Yeah.
I'm not talking about Chad.
I'm talking about
fucking Frank. What a dick.
LISA: Frank does not seem
like a dick to me.
He seems like a nice guy.
And you know what?
Don't blame Brenda.
It's really hard being alone.
HUNTER: Well, let's just agree
to disagree on Frank.
Oh, here they come.
Okay, just be cool.
He's gonna talk about his
tow truck company instantly.
I guarantee you he's gonna
throw that shit in my face.
Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(clears throat) Brenda.
Hunter.
Frank.
- Lisa.
- What'd I do?
I'm sorry. I don't know why I
just said your name like that.
This is so nice. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- (sighs)
- Okay.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis.
- I got to go get Julie's wrap.
- Mm.
(sighs) Were you gonna
let our daughter
take a fucking Lyft to prom?
What is this, Afghanistan?
How'd you pay for that limo,
Hunter?
'Cause I know your credit's
in the shitter.
It is.
'Cause I bought your mom
a wheelchair.
She's gonna pay you back.
With what money, Brenda?
Can she pay me back
with crackers that she steals
from restaurants?
I don't want
to talk about your mom.
I don't want to talk
about her wheelchair.
All I care about
is that my daughter
has the greatest night
of her life.
If it was her greatest night,
you would not be here.
Oh, what a sick burn.
FRANK: All right,
all right, all right.
- Good.
- Yo, wait, yo, yo. We're all adults here.
Let's not make it uncomfortable
if you're gonna be around more.
- Let's have a beer sometime.
- Okay, first of all,
I don't want to go
to have a beer with you.
I don't want to hang out
with you. I don't like you.
I don't like your wife.
I don't like your guys' deal.
I think it sucks
and it's played out.
Hey, if you ever change
your mind, here's my card.
Ah, here we go.
"Tow with Frank."
Where'd you come up
with that name?
- It's very straightforward.
- All right, I'll tell you this.
The design of that card
is pretty cool.
And my favorite part
is right fucking there.
Oh, God.
BRENDA: Wow, that is just...
No, that's us, Frank.
- You know what?
- I got it. I got it.
You've taken about 15
goddamn selfies.
- Yeah!
- All right.
All right. Cool.
Bye, Mom.
- Have fun, honey. Okay.
- I will.
Bye, Dad.
Remember... stab, turn, drag.
I don't have the knife, Dad.
Yes, you do.
Check your clutch.
(Kayla groans)
Hey, uh, it's been
a pleasure, sir.
I really, um,
it's... I'm honored.
- (hands clap)
- Oh.
Intense, professional grip.
Cheers.
Take it easy, big guy.
Hey, uh, you guys have
a good night, too, you know.
MARCIE:
Thank you.
See that smirk?
What was up with that smirk?
You are intense.
- HUNTER: Sam. Hey.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Lockwood.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Chad, yes, come on, man. Bring it in.
- Yes. Oh.
Good. Yeah.
My hat.
- I want to talk to Sam real quick.
- Yeah. Okay.
Uh, let-let me get
a picture real quick. Chad.
- Oh. Okay.
- Real quick photo. Just so fast.
Just don't even fuck
with a filter.
- Just-just plain.
- Okay. Here we go.
- There we go. And there.
- And then you want to get
a quick one of me and Chad
real quick?
- That sounds cool.
- Here you go.
- Okay. - Yep.
- Sammy, here you go, baby.
Real quick.
Just a couple fun ones.
CHAD: What are we doing?
Uh... like this?
- Bros.
- (camera clicks)
HUNTER:
Duck lips.
- (camera clicks)
- And then just kind of a...
Julie?
Can I talk to you a second?
We got to go. I love you.
I'd really like to talk to you.
But I really gotta go.
Okay, fine.
Just don't forget your wrap.
It's okay.
- I don't think I need it.
- Are you sure?
Because we live in Chicago,
and it's chilly.
I don't know
about other places,
but it gets cold in Illinois.
It's not that cold tonight,
so I don't
- think I need it, okay?
- Okay, Julie, wait.
So you'll call me when you get
to Austin's after prom, right?
Right.
Okay.
- Okay.
- I love you.
Okay. I-I love you.
Okay!
Whew.
- (engine starts)
- Mm. Okay.
(squealing, shouting)
- (whooping)
- CONNOR: This is so cool!
- (cheering)
- Blow it out!
(whooping)
- CONNOR: Chad, I, um...
- (cell phone dinging)
I saw you do Pippin
last year.
- That was really good. - Oh.
- KAYLA: Nice. - (Sam chuckling)
CONNOR: Yeah, you're a
really good singer, man.
- What are you doing this year?
- Yeah. Um, we're actually
doing Arnold, which is
an all-male version of Annie.
- CONNOR: Okay.
- RUDY: Caught you drinking.
(laughs)
Just kidding, y'all.
I may look like a parent,
but I assure you, I am no narc.
Thank you, sir.
Not done yet. Name's Rudy.
I did not go to my prom.
No, my leg was crushed
by a cement truck,
so I could not dance, but...
So I've made it
my mission in life...
well, my whole career...
to make sure
that little kids like you
have a wonderful night
to remember forever.
So just sit back, relax
and enjoy your prom night.
- (laughter, whooping)
- Okay.
RUDY: Oh, fuck,
that was the turn! Fuck!
MITCHELL:
Hey, Lis?
You got any S.O.S. pads?
I'm soaking those pans,
but you burnt the shit
out of that mac and cheese,
and...
sponge just isn't gonna cut it.
Thanks for helping clean up.
Don't mention this one.
I mean, Marcie brought the baby
home early, and...
I got to keep busy.
I got to keep my mind off
of Kayla and "Connor."
That's not the right way
to use those.
'Cause his name
is actually Connor.
So...
It's okay.
- UCLA?
- Uh-huh.
I didn't mean to snoop,
but I'm...
No, no. It's okay.
I mean, I don't think
it's a real thing.
She's not actually gonna go.
I think she just applied
for fun.
She didn't... Why?
Have you heard differently?
I would assume it's to go,
but she very well
could have applied ironically.
You... you know millennials,
right?
- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
- And wherever she goes,
you can have a bunch of time
on your hands.
Can figure out
what you want to do
for the back nine of your life.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
(computer chiming)
I think Julie
left her laptop open.
Julie's doing a lot of texting.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is everything okay?
Maybe we should check to see?
- Peace of mind.
- Yeah.
(chiming continues)
MITCHELL:
What the hell is that?
LISA:
I have no idea.
(toilet flushes)
What are you still doing here?
Hey, your, uh...
your mac and cheese
is messed up.
(computer chiming)
Are you guys snooping
on your kids?
That is not cool.
No, it's not snooping
if the information shows up.
That's exactly
what snooping is.
No, it's like the Patriot Act.
It's...
Well, it's not like
the Patriot Act.
- It's like snooping.
- LISA: Okay, we don't know
what they're talking about,
so...
- What?
- Okay.
Oh, is it like puzzles?
Ooh, ooh! I love puzzles.
Just saw Inferno.
MITCHELL: Yeah, great.
What are they saying?
Okay, so there's something
about an eggplant hand...
- handshake.
- Eggplant agreement.
Yeah. They got an agreement
to make eggplant parmesan.
No, eggplants are dicks
in teenage emoji language.
- What?
- LISA: You know what, that's true.
Julie told me that...
that the emojis have...
- they all have secret meanings.
- Mm-hmm.
So, like, trees are weed,
and snowflakes are cocaine,
and that thing is "yas queen."
- Yas queen!
- What the hell is that?
- You've never heard of "yas queen"?
- No.
All right, grandpa.
Hold on. Julie is making...
some kind of a dick-related
agreement here.
Kayla is in on the agreement.
- No fucking way.
- "Okay, clown face."
What the fuck does that mean?
That means she's down to clown.
- LISA: Okay.
- MITCHELL: Three eggplants?
And look at the drool coming
out of that smiley face.
You wish that was drool.
- That's come, my man.
- Stand down.
It is. Look, it's come.
He's like... (moans)
LISA: This is sex
if I've ever seen it
- illustrated in emoji form.
- Oh, no, no, no. Maybe not.
They're best friends.
They're just saying, like,
"You're okay with me.
You're okay to me.
- You're okay to me."
- You say that to your friends?
Whenever I see my friends,
I go,
"Hey, you're okay with me."
- I don't use these.
- HUNTER: Hold on.
Agreement hands,
agreement hands,
agreement hands. This is a...
It's a sex agreement.
- They're making a sex pact.
- (Mitchell stammers)
They're gonna lose
their virginity on prom night.
That cannot be a sex pact.
That? That is friendship.
And that is... that is the bond
of friendship
that can never be broken.
- I mean, maybe. - Yeah.
- (computer chimes)
Oh, look, they wrote
"Sex Pact 2018."
I fucking knew it!
I love puzzles.
I told you guys.
Have you seen Inferno?
- Lis, have you seen Inferno?
- Call your kid.
Have you guys seen Inferno?
I figured it out in two
seconds. Did you see Inferno?
The guy jumps off the thing
in the beginning.
He's got a virus. Have you seen
Inferno with Tom Hanks?
Okay. Okay, she's not
answering her phone.
Yeah, Kayla isn't, either.
Okay, what the heck
is happening?
She's always been honest
with me.
She's always told me the truth,
and now I'm just swimming
in a pool of lies.
Okay. Here's what's
gonna happen.
She's gonna have sex
with that Austin kid,
and then she's gonna think
that she has
all these feelings, which she
does not actually have,
then she's gonna drive
across country
and follow him
and ruin her fucking life.
Okay, I think that's
a pretty big
leap to make when you read a...
I have invested
every single piece of my being
into preparing Kayla
for success, and now this?
She is about to have sex with
some dipshit with a "man bun."
You're not using those
in the right way.
Hey, can we all come back
to "planet Earth"?
'Cause this is not a big deal.
They're teenage girls.
They have sex.
Do you, like, freak out when
you see a bee fucking a flower?
- I'm gonna stop her.
- I'm in.
Let's cock-block
those motherfuckers.
Whoa.
(stammers, makes buzzing sound)
No, sir. Uh-uh.
No, no, no, no.
I promised Sam the greatest
night of her life,
and if you guys fuck up
your daughters' night,
it's gonna fuck up
my daughter's night,
and that shit is "not cool."
I don't give a fuck
what's cool with you.
Let's go, Mitchell.
I'll drive.
Hey, hey, hey, wait!
No, no, no.
You want to go?
You're gonna have
to go through me.
- (Lisa growls)
- Oh, Jesus.
Okay, you called my bluff.
Wait.
Wait! Hey, hey!
- Get off! Get off of me!
- Hey! Hey!
- Get off!
- It's not cool!
"It's not cool!"
Hey! What's the plan?
This is stupid.
Fuck off.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
What the fuck are you doing?
I just need to talk to
my daughter for five minutes.
Get out of the car!
- You get out. You get out.
- You get out.
- Stop saying what I'm saying.
- MITCHELL: Open the door!
- Stop saying what I'm saying.
- Stop saying what I'm saying.
- Stop... Okay, listen, listen.
- MITCHELL: Hey.
Lis. Okay, everyone calm down,
calm down.
- But you got to go.
- The-the window.
- No, the window.
- HUNTER: Hey.
- What the fuck? No! Holy...
- (Mitchell grunting)
(grunting)
(groans)
MITCHELL:
Ah, these are new shorts!
HUNTER:
Truce! Truce!
Truce.
Truce, truce, truce.
- (horn honks)
- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- (Lisa yelps)
- Oh, my fucking God.
Aah!
Sorry, man.
It's not gonna work.
You're not Schwarzenegger.
How is that possible?
How is that possible?
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh!
Oh, my balls! My balls!
(yells) Your ass is so...
(grunting)
- Get...
- Hey! Hey!
- Get out!
- Not cool! Aah!
You're bullying me.
This is bullying.
What you're doing is wrong!
You know your daughter's
in this stupid sex pact, too.
Yeah, and she's not gonna
do anything about it, okay?
Oh, like you would know
what your daughter's gonna do.
Okay, first of all, ouch.
Second of all, I know nothing
is gonna happen with Sam
because...
because she's gay.
Really?
Did she come out to you?
No, of course not.
She barely speaks to me.
Then how do you know?
Because, bro, I'm her dad.
And there's just
some things you know.
Chad is nothing.
He's like a beard.
Or whatever a lesbian beard is.
A merkin?
I don't know. The point is,
I guarantee you
they don't even kiss, okay?
I'm not worried about that.
I'm worried about
you two dicks
fucking up her night.
Okay, well, what you don't
understand is that sex
can be very confusing
for young girls
and make them say things and do
things that they might regret.
Like dropping out of college
to follow around
the Dave Matthews Band
with a guy they think they love
who then winds up
getting them pregnant
and then leaving them
for the girl who makes
grilled cheese sandwiches
with hash aioli on them.
Yeah, that is a...
extremely specific scenario,
and that won't happen to Julie.
Dave's not even touring
right now.
He's taking time off
for fatherhood.
It was me, you idiot.
Me. That happened to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, move somethin',
move somethin'
Make you wanna do somethin',
do somethin'
Dance for the night,
live for the day
Hey, ho, hey
Yeah, move somethin',
move somethin'...
You weren't ready.
Okay, one more, one more.
Smile.
I closed my eyes.
Oh, my God.
(gasps)
You guys, this is our song.
Do you remember when we got
snowed in at Sam's
and we played this, like,
over and over?
- Yes!
- We have to dance!
- We have to dance!
- This is our jam!
Scream my name
I love me
Gonna love myself,
no, I don't need anybody else
Hey, gonna love myself
No, I don't need
anybody else
I love me,
can't help myself
No, I don't need
anybody else...
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
- I want a drink.
- Okay.
Yeah, let's go get one.
No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.
Oh, you want a "drink" drink.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let me call my guy.
Hello, Mr. Drink-Drink.
- Let's go get fucked up.
- Okay.
Hey, wait, Kayla, Kayla.
Ah, it's...
Any time that I like
I love me...
Hey, Chad.
I'm gonna go get, uh,
some dessert.
- Get me two.
- (Julie chuckling)
The beautiful,
it comes without you, yeah
I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard...
Hey, Angelica,
it's a nice cape.
Oh, hey, Sam.
Thank you.
Scream the words...
Um, yeah, it's a...
it's a Galadriel cape
that I made a couple months ago
for LordCon.
Figured I could wear it again.
Not too much overlap
on the guest list.
(chuckling):
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
(laughs)
Who'd you come here with?
Um, just my friends.
Lauren and I broke up.
Oh.
No hard feelings, though.
Um, she's still
a little confused.
How do you think one becomes...
not confused?
It's probably different
for everyone.
But for me, when I kissed
Brad Markowski,
I started to suspect it.
And then last year,
when I touched
Dash Lowenstein's dick,
I was like, "Fuck no."
It was like holding
a dead snake.
Hmm.
But I guess you never know
until you try.
I know how
to scream my own name
Scream my name...
Uh, before I do drink this,
though,
I just want to let you know
that I am fully planning
on having sex tonight.
With... with you.
Yeah, I-I mean,
wherever the wind blows us.
Well, the wind's
gonna blow us there.
Wherever the night takes us,
it's...
It's gonna take your penis
into my vagina.
Okay, uh, you know,
if the universe wills it.
And the universe will will it.
(chuckles) Thanks for
letting me know, I guess.
- (groans)
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- I warned you.
- This is what gin tastes like?
- No, no.
I've heard that gin sucks,
and this sucks.
No, it's...
- I made it. Um...
- Oh.
This is so dumb, okay?
Our kids are gonna hate us
because you're gonna
humiliate them.
I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.
We're best friends.
I'm the cool mom.
Hunter, don't make me sit
on your balls again.
Stop, stop, stop it,
stop, stop.
This is how they're gonna
be remembered in high school.
As the weirdos whose parents
dragged them out of prom
because they were afraid
of their sexuality.
It's not something
that should be feared.
It should be celebrated.
And-and-and we have
to empower these young women.
I mean, what year is it, guys?
- It's 2018.
- (horn honks)
HUNTER:
Jesus Christ.
- MITCHELL: Oh, gross.
- Okay, you know what?
That's an unfortunate
coincidence.
Get a fucking room!
The good life
is the life for me...
- (Sam shouts)
- (laughter)
Let's take a picture.
Kayla!
Let's take a picture right now.
- Okay, cool.
- Right now. Right now.
Cheese.
Oh, my God, my mom called me
like 15 times.
- Ooh. Nope.
- She's crazy.
- No, that's a no.
- That's kind of funny.
- Boom. Airplane mode.
- No.
Yeah. We're flying
the friendly skies now.
Yeah, till she freaks out.
Hey, can we please, like,
get out of here?
No. We can't go right now.
They haven't even played
me and Austin's song yet.
How are we gonna get
in the mood?
I don't know,
light your Walgreens candle.
That's later.
Don't you want... Look, look.
Jake Donahue
is just warming up.
Don't you want to see him
break-dance
- and probably hurt himself?
- No.
- It's gonna be so good.
- I don't.
(laughing): Do you remember
at the Sadie Hawkins Dance
when he tried to do the worm
and he fell
and broke his two front teeth?
- Yeah. He had to go to the hospital.
- I have pictures.
- It was great, and this is gonna be better.
- Mm...
- No, no, no. No!
- So we're staying.
Julie, Julie,
I promise that you're
gonna dance to your song
with your boyfriend tonight.
This place is dying, okay?
- We got to get out of here.
- Okay, fine.
Okay, cool. Let's go.
We're going to the lake house.
I am not sure that this
was worth $85.
- Where's Chad?
- What?
Oh, he's probably out
on the dance floor.
I'm gonna go find him
and meet you guys outside.
- All right.
- Okay.
The fuck?
Smirking little piece of shit.
- Top knot. Top knot.
- Let's get him.
Yeah, you guys go do that.
I'm gonna get some punch.
All right, asshole,
what'd you do with my daughter?
Two of you guys have
the same shitty haircut?
Hey.
Look at me.
My hair's too long.
Hey. You can't go around
assaulting children.
You have to blend in if you
want some information, okay?
So just... just be cool.
God.
Okay.
Julie?
Julie?
Nothing lasts forever
But we won't know
till we try...
Prom night, huh?
What?
Just... just special night.
(cheering and whooping)
You make me
feel so alive...
Got to try.
You make me
feel so alive...
- Chad?
- Yeah.
Oh...
One for the money
Give me all your money
Oh...
This is my moment.
One for the money
We gonna make you
lose control
(yelling in pain)
We gonna make you
lose control...
You ruined my moment!
Fuck your moment.
- What happened back there?
- What happened is that...
is that my daughter was kissing
Chad even though she hated it.
And I've been dragged
into this situation
- by you two fucking idiots.
- Just ignore him.
- Great idea.
- We're gonna go to Austin's house.
Julie said that's where
the after-party is,
- and we'll get 'em there.
- And that sounds like a plan.
Hey, how dare you ignore me.
We are in this situation
because you two
raised a couple of bigots
who have shamed my daughter
into losing her virginity
to the wrong sex.
Shame.
My daughter is not a bigot.
(scoffs, chuckles)
We go to all of the marches.
We went to the Tax Day March,
and nobody goes to that shit.
- Nobody.
- Ignore him.
- It's hard.
- Yeah, it is hard.
'Cause I don't quit.
And now I have
to go rescue Sam,
okay, because she is scared
and confused,
and I know what it's like
to be ostracized by society
for your sexual preferences.
Sleeping with women
that aren't your wife
isn't a sexual preference.
No, it is. I prefer them.
- (music blaring from inside)
- MITCHELL: How parents can let
their kids play music
this loud.
We all share this planet.
This is how loud I listen
to my music, dawg.
Probably won't even
be able to hear us.
(doorbell ringing)
It's so dark in there.
You know, they... okay,
they could be in the backyard
playing two-on-two hoops.
I don't know.
HUNTER:
Oh!
Oh, I found a big window.
Oh, no, no, no,
don't, don't, don't.
Trust me. Do not look
in that window.
- What?
- Just look at me. Do not look in this window.
Do not look
in this fucking window.
Julie's red dress.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shit.
You know, I know... I know this
must be tough for you.
I mean, if... hell, if that
was Kayla in there, I'd...
- I'd-I'd kill myself.
- Nope.
That's the wrong thing
to fucking say right now.
- Stop them. Stop it.
- I can't...
(stammers) Wait.
Hey. It's not Julie.
- It's not Julie. (laughs)
- MITCHELL: What?
LISA: Oh, shit.
It's Austin's parents.
- Good for them.
- LISA: They're really...
really going at it.
I always wanted to do this.
I've always wanted
to watch people have sex.
Oh, my God,
he's yanking her hair.
Ow. That looks like it hurts.
Yeah, we shouldn't
be looking, man. Come on.
MITCHELL: She runs the risk
of, like, dislocating her hip.
Hey, Mitchell. You're being
a fucking perv, dude.
Don't look.
(grunting and moaning)
(yelling)
(screams, gasps)
What happened?
We locked eyes,
and then he finished.
It means his load
is on your soul for eternity.
- MITCHELL: Holy shit.
- LISA: Oh, shit, he's coming.
(Hunter stammering)
I'll pretend I'm a plant.
Mitchell? What are you doing?
- What, Lisa?
- Hey, Ron.
(chuckling): What are you guys
doing out here?
Hi.
- LISA: Hey.
- What a nice surprise.
We thought the kids were here.
We didn't realize you guys
were here, uh...
Oh, Cath and I were just having
a little, uh,
prom night role play.
- You know, to keep the sex life alive.
- Prom night.
- That kind of thing.
- Where are the kids?
Um, do you know
where the kids are?
The kids are at
Kyler Montero's lake house.
- How do you know that?
- Because Austin told us.
Yeah. He's texted me
like 19 times tonight.
- Ugh. Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we tell each other everything.
- It's unbelievable.
- I mean, he-he knows about prom night.
- CATHY: Well, you know.
- I'm sorry, you...
you tell your son about
your sex games with your wife?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Wow, that's...
- Can't do that.
- Yeah, it's weird.
- It's so... it's-it's weird.
- There's a line.
- We have a very open family here.
- Yes, we do.
- We don't hide anything.
- LISA: You know what?
What is Kyler's address?
I-I... Okay, listen,
I-I feel like
I can't betray
Austin's confidence in me,
and frankly,
if Julie wanted to tell you
where the house was,
she would have told you.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh, I got...
Hold on, hold on.
Buh-buh-buh.
Give us the address,
or my giant friend's
gonna tear
- your husband's dick off.
- Yeah.
Uh... no, I'm not.
- No, I'm not. No, no, no.
- Excuse me? - What?
That's... that's good.
And, uh, sorry
to interrupt your evening.
I hope you guys enjoy
the rest of your lovemaking.
- Ow! Fuck!
- Come on.
- What was that about?
- What?
Hey, man, thank you for killing
- my daughter's hymen.
- I don't think so.
Kyler Montero's lake house?
Marcie did the bathroom.
She's gonna know the address,
so let's just go.
- All right, dope.
- Dope.
(whooping)
- Ow, my eyes!
- Yeah!
RUDY:
Okay, come on in now.
It's all fun and games
until there's a decapitation.
I don't need any more
dead girls on my conscience.
I'm sorry, Rudy.
We just had to check that off
the old prom bucket list.
- (laughter)
- Oh, my God, Sam!
- Come here. Yeah.
- Move, Chad!
- Chad, you want a drink?
- No.
What you got there?
This is a very, very special
reduced hash oil
of my own invention.
It has rosemary essence
for blood flow,
a curcumin extract
from turmeric
to reduce inflammation,
and it gets you super baked.
(chuckles) All right.
Let's do it.
Do I just... I suck?
Yeah, you press the button,
then you take, like,
a little puff.
Or a really, really big one.
Okay. (chuckles)
And then you just hold it
for, like, a beat.
You guys know
that Tanner Dunn's parents
rented out a whole floor
of the Park West Hotel
for an after-party?
- What?
- (Sam chuckles)
Um... yeah, he, uh...
I guess they're super loaded
and they're still proud of him
even though it took him
like six years to graduate.
I remember him.
He got to, uh, miss school
- when his kid was born.
- Yeah, yeah, that guy.
You should definitely
let it go now.
- Holy shit. (chuckles)
- Oh, yeah.
I can run a six-minute mile.
My lung capacity is legit.
- No!
- One more selfie, and this time,
let's pose like Kanye.
- No. Boo!
- Yes.
- You take too many pictures.
- Uh...
They don't look like him.
HUNTER: Ugh, it's just a bunch
of paint samples and swatches.
(hushed):
Hunter, quiet.
Why do I have to be quiet?
Shit would not fly
if Marcie found out.
Who wears the pants
in this house, dawg?
- I do.
- Oh!
(sipping loudly)
Mmm.
This is soy creamer?
Are you sure?
It's pretty freaking rich.
This is so messed up.
Who are you to get involved
in our daughter's sex life?
- Oh, honey, I was just try...
- No, don't "honey" me.
Did your dad try to stop you
when you lost your virginity?
That's totally different.
It is not different.
It's a double standard.
Oh, when a guy loses his
virginity, it-it's no big deal.
It's celebrated,
but if a girl does,
it's some sort of big loss
of innocence?
- Yes.
- MARCIE: But come on, you guys.
It's the same damn thing.
Oh, Marcie!
Stop talking.
- Just give us the address.
- Just give us the address.
Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe
you're on their side.
Side? This is not
some philosophical debate.
We're trying to stop
our daughters
from some kind of sex pact
that they've planned
and not thought through
all the way.
That is such bullshit.
How do you expect society
to treat women
as if they're equal
when their own parents won't?
I don't know about that.
I'll deal with society
tomorrow.
Right now I'm thinking
about my daughter.
Well, that is...
that's convenient.
Yeah. You know what?
Go ahead and be part
of the group
that perceives women as little
damsels in distress
that need saving.
Who cares about us
not getting paid as much
or not having control
of our own bodies?
Can you please not talk to me
like I'm someone
who bombs abortion clinics?
I think
we're a little off topic.
Just... we need the address.
I just can't believe
that you think Julie
shouldn't be free
to explore her sexuality
in the same way that boys are.
Girls and boys
are very different.
Guys will take
whatever's in front of them.
We have these feelings,
and then...
your parents won't let you
see the man.
(crying): And then he just
writes a lot of letters,
but you don't get them
because your mom
doesn't give them to you,
and then it starts raining
really hard
'cause he built a house
for you,
and... and then it's...
- Mitchell, did you get the address?
- Yep.
- What?
- I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
- I'm just really stressed out.
- It was so good to see you.
Was that The Notebook?
Fucking fuck off, Hunter.
Goddamn it! Mitchell!
I love you. I'm doing this
for our daughter.
- I'll be home late.
- Fucking shit!
See, I'm gonna get it
'cause I play the game...
To the loss of our innocence.
(whooping)
(cup clattering on floor)
- Oh!
- (Sam grunting)
- Come on.
- Ooh!
You guys.
This is the best night.
I am so drunk, super high,
and Connor has a little
something-something
that I feel I need
to go check out.
All right.
It's fuck o'clock.
- JULIE: No way. You, too?
- SAM: Yep.
- These are macarons.
- Ooh.
With a very special
concoction of mine
that I call Wavy Davy.
So it's DMT that I get
from the Dark Web.
Uh, and then there's
a little tiny bit of Xanax
to just kind of take
the edge off, you know.
It's pretty tight.
Mm, sounds pretty tight.
And then I bake it into
a white chocolate macaron,
and it has, like,
a raspberry filling
that's both, uh,
light and fluffy
but also very flavorful
and satisfying.
Are you ready?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do it.
(sighs) Okay.
- Mmm.
- Let's go.
Hmm.
- (Connor chuckles)
- It's yum.
KAYLA:
Hmm.
Okay, so what do we do?
We just walk in and-and flick
- the lights on and off until the kids come?
- Shh.
Just act cool and young,
and maybe we'll just slip in.
Mitchell, untuck your shirt.
No, it's not
that kind of shirt.
- It looks stupid untucked.
- Untuck your shirt.
You look like a youth minister.
HUNTER:
Untuck your fucking shirt, man.
- We're trying to look cool.
- MITCHELL: All right.
(groans) Whoa, whoa.
Sorry, bro. Sorry, guys.
Sorry. My friend's wasted.
- Don't.
- KYLER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey. No... no adults
are getting into my house.
Not on prom night.
Okay, not on prom.
We were just down the street
at, um, another party,
and then we just decided
to come up here
and hang with you guys.
Um, no parents here, right?
Oh, thank God.
No, not except
for you guys. No.
We're not...
- (chuckles) Yeah, no.
- We don't...
Okay, so you're cops.
(laughter)
I got two DUIs last year.
How could I be a cop?
MITCHELL (laughing):
The police?
Look at my untucked shirt.
You're literally the cop-iest
motherfucker I've ever seen.
You look like you got your hair
cut in the back of a squad car.
This is a regular
men's haircut.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
All right, you're minors,
we're minors.
You're like 45 years old.
Fuck you.
I was born in '77.
'87. '94.
We're gonna drink
with you guys.
Would cops drink
with underage kids?
- MITCHELL: No.
- No.
Okay. What about a little
chugging contest?
Um...
Yeah.
Bring it.
Okay, wait.
I got to get the room ready.
(chuckles)
Oh, wow.
You're really going for it,
aren't you?
I saw this
in the romantic comedy,
American Beauty.
So good.
You watch the whole thing?
(chuckles)
You know what this candle
does to me.
Is that the one
that gives you hives?
- No, it's the good one.
- Oh, nice.
You look so hot right now.
- Where are my chuggers at? You ready?
- Yeah!
- Oh, right here. Let's go.
- Whoot, whoot!
- (sighs)
- All right.
- Cool.
- Drop 'em.
KYLER:
Let's do it.
Wait, what?
(chuckling):
Guys?
We're just chugging, right?
We're butt-chugging.
Yeah, you put the tube
up your butt,
and you funnel the beer in.
Fucks you up way more, man.
Trust me.
- Guys, butt-chugging?
- You got this. You got it.
No, I'm tagging out.
You're in.
- What? Why me?
- You've had a baby.
Everything's looser down there.
I didn't have a baby
out of my butt.
- Even I know that.
- Mitchell.
Okay, this isn't
a common occurrence with me,
but I have had things
up there before.
- Hmm?
- It's just all about breathing.
So just breathe through it
and accept it in.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Hey! She's up there right now
with that dick-bag Connor
with his man bun
and that stupid smirk.
Think about this.
W-Wait. Connor?
You know... you know
Connor Aldrich, "The Chef"?
Why do they call him
"The Chef"?
Uh, maybe a big fan
of South Park?
"Hello, children."
No, no.
He cooks drugs into everything.
Everything.
Uh, one time he made me
this, like,
acid financier cake. Oh!
That shit was to die for, man.
(chuckling): Like, literally,
I almost fucking died.
Yeah, dude, if your daughter
had anything like that cake,
she might not remember
who you are tomorrow.
Give me the fucking tube.
Whoa, whoa, honey, now...
Let's bone.
Wait, what? Oh.
Are you sure that this
is how you want to do it?
Yes, Chad.
This is always
how I've imagined it.
Oh, you know, I'd rather leave
my shirt on, if that's sexier.
(chuckles)
I need another drink.
Wait, wait, uh...
Can you lube it up
with something first?
- Yeah, I'll just spit on it.
- No!
Why? Because I'm a man?
Get over yourself.
No, 'cause you're
fucking gross,
and your fucking
saliva's gross.
I have... I have lip gloss.
I have lip gloss.
- Got a lip gloss. We got a lip gloss.
- Okay, fine. Shit.
(hushed):
I don't have lip gloss.
- All right, guys, let's get those tubes in.
- (spits)
All right,
I got the lip gloss on there.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- All right.
- Okay, ready?
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- It's not in yet.
- Okay. - HUNTER: Chill.
LISA: So it's just gonna be
on the count of three.
HUNTER: You got this, dawg.
This is for your kid.
- On three. Okay. All right. Yeah.
- On three.
- Okay, one...
- One...
- Oh!
- HUNTER: Are you okay?
- Okay, get your 40s.
- They got a lager and an IPA.
- (Mitchell groans)
- Does it... Doesn't-doesn't...
- It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
- LISA: Okay.
- I don't know about this.
- No, no, no, no.
- It's too late. It's already in.
- Here you go.
It's in you.
It's part of you now.
- Ready? Set...
- Yeah.
Chug...!
ALL (chanting): Butt chug!
Butt chug! Butt chug!
- Oh, wait.
- (chanting continues)
- Hey, hey.
- LISA: Loosen up.
- It's not working, dude.
- I can't.
- You can hold my hand.
- Okay.
Butt chug! Butt chug!
- Ow!
- You're hurting her.
- LISA: That really hurt!
- I'm sorry!
HUNTER:
Hey, man, listen.
Channel that energy
into your butthole.
- Breathe.
- This changes everything I know.
HUNTER: Dude, if your daughter
could see you now,
she'd be so proud of you.
Whoa.
I am... I am tripping so hard.
It's not working.
It's not working, dude.
- Oh, it's terrible. Oh.
- MITCHELL: It is.
CROWD:
Butt chug! Butt chug!
- Open up.
- No, I'm sorry.
- I-I can't do it, man.
- Focus! For your daughter.
Fuck, Mitch. Focus.
- You gotta breathe.
- You gotta open up, dude.
- Relax.
- I'm relaxed. I'm dilated.
I'm staring at your asshole.
You're not dilated.
LISA: Mitchell, you're gonna
lose to this punk bitch?
Breathe. Take it in.
CROWD:
Butt chug!
(gurgling)
LISA:
There we go.
- Okay, good.
- Oh! Oh, it's working!
- It's working! It's working!
- Holy shit! Holy shit!
We're almost halfway done.
- (siren whooping)
- Po's! Fucking run!
- Cops? (grunts)
- (passes gas)
- Oh, no!
- (frantic chatter)
Ass beer! Oh, oh!
Lisa, the beer went
into my mouth!
I have to go to the hospital!
- (knocking at door)
- Hurry up! Get out of here!
BOTH:
Shit.
We got to go.
I got ass beer in my mouth.
I should go to the hospital.
- Oh, shit. The fucking cops?
- (siren whooping)
- Fuck.
- The fucking cops are here?
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
- I can't get the tube out.
- Pull the tube out.
- Lis, pull it out.
- No. I put it in.
- I had to spit on it!
- What? You spit on it?
- No, it was my lip gloss.
- It was lip gloss.
- Pull it out!
Hey, man, be gentle.
Be fucking gentle, all right?
I'm gonna be gentle,
all right? Ready?
- All right, on three.
- On three.
- One.
- Ow!
(frantic chatter and yelling)
- Come on.
- Whoo!
Hey, guys. Guys.
Wait, wait.
Sam?
Sam, Sam! We're over here.
- No! No, I... No.
- She's...
- The night is over.
- No.
It's over. It's done.
The night is not over.
The night has just begun.
Jesus, Chad, use your legs.
I mean, I pretty much
carried her,
like, the whole way there.
(grunting)
Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle!
CHAD:
Come on, Sam.
- Come with us.
- I can't.
My car is here.
But all my friends
are going to the hotel party.
Maybe I'll see you later.
RUDY: Get in the car!
Go, go, go, girl!
- Sam! Seriously, hurry up!
- You'll see her later.
- You'll see her later.
- What are you doing?
Ooh, this night is not over,
I swear to Christ!
Dukes of Hazzard!
(grunts)
Racist-ass show anyway.
- I got the spins, man.
- We got to find our daughter, dawg.
- I'm gonna sit down for a second.
- Rudy!
- It's Rudy. Rudy.
- Rudy, Rudy, wait, wait!
There he goes, there he goes!
Hit the clicker!
- Open the doors!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, sit.
- I got mine.
HUNTER: Seat belts!
You'll get a big ticket.
- That's them right there.
- They're getting away.
- You gotta go faster. Hey.
- Okay.
(slurring):
Hey, you gotta be at 110%.
- Okay.
- You got to be in it to win it!
How do you get more competitive
when you're drunk?
Hey, man. I'm more of a winner
when I'm drunk, all right?
- Okay, okay. (groans)
- And the question I have
for you, Lis:
Are you a winner?
Are you in it to win it?
- Winning is my bitch!
- All right.
- Strong.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Me winning.
(laughs)
(chuckling)
It's not...
It's not that good.
(Mitchell and Lisa laughing)
I don't... Ow, ow!
- (laughing): Lisa winning!
- It's not that good.
Ow! Fuck!
All right, it's good.
It's fine. I like it.
Hey, you're losing him.
Let's go.
(Mozart's "The Marriage
of Figaro: Overture" playing)
(grunts) Not on my watch.
(music volume increases)
- (tires squeal)
- Oh, hey! - Whoa! - Ow!
Y'all think you gonna outrun
Rudy "The Main
Motherfucking Man" Glover?
Hell no.
- Are you all right?
- No!
- Come on.
- (panting)
CONNOR:
You okay?
Hey, guys.
Hey, I don't...
I don't feel so...
- Oh, my God!
- (all shouting)
Oh, my God!
(screaming)
HUNTER: All right,
here's what we're gonna do.
Lisa, I have seen every single
- Fast and the Furious movie, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
All of them, dozens of times.
Have you seen any of them?
I saw the Tokyo one,
and I saw the one
where The Rock
punches the torpedo.
Those are the best two to see.
Okay, in times like this,
I ask myself one question:
"WWVDD?"
You know what that means?
"What would Vin Diesel do?"
Holy shit!
No one's ever fucking
gotten that before. Okay.
(screaming)
- (gasps)
- (muffled scream)
Oh, man, it smells like...
HUNTER:
What we're gonna do...
we're gonna kiss the bumper.
- You give it a little tap.
- Okay.
And then they're gonna
spin and stop,
and we're gonna spin
and stop the other way.
- Okay.
- And we're gonna look at each other,
and we're gonna go,
"It's all about the family."
Wait, I don't feel comfortable
running the kids off the road.
This slow and un-furious
attitude is not helping us.
You have to believe!
Okay, I'm gonna kiss it.
HUNTER:
Here we go!
- (Lisa gasps)
- MITCHELL: What's that?
- Did I do it?
- No, you didn't even kiss it.
- You gotta kiss it.
- Shit. Okay.
HUNTER (imitating Vin Diesel):
Kiss it for the family.
- Is that Sam?
- Is that Sam?
- MITCHELL: Oh! Oh, God!
- LISA: She barfed on us!
HUNTER:
Oh, my God!
(all screaming)
(metallic creaking)
(high-pitched):
Fuck.
(whispering):
Okay.
Are we in Heaven?
Okay. Listen, I know
how to do this.
Everyone lean backwards.
If we all lean backwards
on three,
the car will roll back.
- Ready?
- Okay.
One...
(shuddering):
two... three.
(creaking)
- Oh, fuck...!
- No!
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
(clunking)
Well, that's the last
of the ass beer.
- Jesus! That's it. Are you okay?
- (groaning)
Are you bleeding? You might
have internal blood injuries.
- I'm all right, I'm all right.
- Here's the problem.
The Fast and the Furious
movies are not realistic.
Where are we?
Shit!
HUNTER:
Fuck.
(grunting)
What are you doing?
I heard that in times
of crisis, parents have
- superhuman strength.
- MITCHELL: No offense... there's
no scientific way you're gonna
flip that car over.
- I couldn't even do that.
- I couldn't do it, either.
Do not tell me what I can
and can't do.
(Lisa grunting)
Kayla's not answering again.
- Goddamn it.
- We lost 'em, guys.
We are fucked!
Or maybe not.
What are you doing?
Trying to telepathically
communicate with Kayla.
I'm with the X-Men of parents.
You know what
my secret power is?
I'm super fucking annoyed
right now,
and I hurt my love handle.
No, no.
Hey.
You guys think my new clothes
go with my fedora?
I'm just kidding.
I know they do.
(Chad chuckles)
(Julie sighs)
AUSTIN:
Hey.
- Have you talked to your mom?
- No.
So, my parents
were just texting me,
and they were having sex,
and your mom showed up
looking for you.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
It's... it's okay.
They have sex all the time.
- (cell phone buzzes)
- Oh, my God.
- She... The texts.
- (buzzing continues)
So many texts.
She's mad.
I need to handle this.
Good news.
A Lyft is on its way.
Oh, wait, no, I know this guy.
He sucks.
- (cell phone buzzing)
- Oh, shit. It's Julie.
- Be-be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.
- Okay, be quiet.
- Okay.
- JULIE: Hey, Mom.
I just got all your texts,
and I just want
to let you know
that we're all good.
LISA:
Cool, cool. Okay.
Um, are you at the prom?
Yeah.
Yeah, just nonstop
magical moments.
Ha! You are lying to me.
Where are you right now?
Where are you?
Why are you freaking out?
I'm freaking out
because I know
what you're up to.
And I know that you
and your friends
are planning some kind
of little sex pact or whatever.
- What did you say?
- You heard me.
How could you possibly know?
Because I am your mother
and I know you.
- And I know you better than you know yourself.
- HUNTER: Yes.
And I also know that you're
planning on going to UCLA
and that you're
following Austin.
Yeah. (chuckles)
I... know... everything.
Oh, my God, you know nothing.
Why do you even assume
that it's me following Austin?
Huh? You're not worried
about me, Mom.
You're worried about you.
You're afraid of losing me.
You're afraid of being alone.
I am not scared of being alone.
(laughs)
This is not about me.
I have not thought about myself
for the last 18 years.
This is about you.
And as a single mother,
I am trying to stop you
from making
a life-ruining decision.
So I was a...
a life-ruining decision?
No. No, of cour...
No, that is not what I meant.
- No, that is not what I meant.
- You know what, Mom?
I'm not going to UCLA
because of some boy, okay?
I'm going to UCLA
because it's the furthest
I can get from you.
W-Well...
Hello?
Nanaru is on his way.
46 minutes.
Well, so she hates me.
(Mitchell sighs)
She doesn't hate you.
Kayla's ignoring me.
She's bringing it
to a whole new level of spite.
Yeah.
It's a...
that's a new level of pain.
Yeah. I know, I know.
It's just different for me,
because I gave birth to her,
and I just feel very connected.
She was living in my body.
- Kayla grew in me.
- Yeah.
She grew in me. She-she did.
She grew from my balls,
and I shot her into Marcie.
This is the same
for you and me.
Not exactly.
I mean, you have
daily love in your life,
and I'm probably gonna
die alone
and won't be found
for a really long time.
Until one day,
someone will be walking by
with their golden retriever,
and the dog
is just gonna lose its shit,
and then they're gonna
call the police,
and then they're gonna come in
and find me draped over the tub
with my feral cats
eating away at my hair.
'Cause cats do that.
The fuck is wrong with you?
That is some dark shit.
- You're gonna die alone?
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! My man!
- My man!
- Where the hell did you get that idea?
- You know what?
- Come on!
I call you all the time.
You ever return my calls? No.
Because we're not
really friends, you and me.
We're not friends?
I don't mean it, uh, that...
I-I... you...
You know what you are?
You are like the thing
that pops up on Facebook,
and then it's, like,
this beautiful picture
of your grandma who's dead.
And you're like,
"Fuck you, Facebook,
for reminding me of my loss."
That's why you're avoiding me?
Because I remind you of loss?
Yes. I don't want to be
reminded of sweet, young Julie
and our kids
and that beautiful time
- in our lives is over.
- HUNTER: Oh, God.
Boo-fucking-hoo with you two.
You guys completely ignore me.
- Always.
- Yeah, no shit, cheater.
Oh, cheater? That's my...
that's my designation?
That's what I am?
I'm the cheater?
Fuck that shit.
Did you guys ever once call me
when that went down
and ask me my side
of the story?
You didn't.
I would have
told you the truth.
I would have told you
that Brenda had stopped
talking to me
months before that happened.
You know she hooked up
with her boss
at a company retreat
in Wisconsin?
Do you know she beat me up?
She fucking beat me up
at a Romano's
fucking Macaroni Grill!
She fucking slapped me in front
of the fucking maitre d'!
- I didn't know that.
- I'm sorry, man.
And I fucking embarrass myself,
and I embarrass myself
in front of my daughter.
And I-I-I thought, you know,
I should pull back
a little bit,
and then fucking Frank
showed up,
and he... I pulled back more,
and I thought,
"One day I'm gonna fix it.
One day I'm gonna
fucking fix it."
And then I thought,
if I gave her
something awesome,
like a great night,
I could get close
with her again.
But I can't.
(sniffs)
'Cause she's gone.
They're just...
(sighs) The kids, they...
they just leave.
Oh, shit!
I know how we can find them.
Go to Cathy and Ron's.
Austin's been texting them
all night.
Did you hear anything
I said just now?
- That's a great idea.
- (sighs) Fuck it.
It's just good
to say it out loud.
- Let's go flip that car.
- Hell... (screams)
Jesus Christ!
Oh, my fucking God.
Shit.
My car just exploded.
(Lisa sighs)
Nanaru is 26 minutes away.
So that's good.
- (Lisa sighs)
- I thought I canceled him.
Thanks, Nanaru.
So Austin's parents
aren't gonna
just tell us where they are.
So we need to get Ron's phone,
read the texts
and find our kids.
Okay?
Hunter, it's not gonna be you.
So, Mitchell, it's you.
No. That's breaking
and entering.
That is...
I'm uncomfortable with that.
Are you a team player,
or aren't you?
Am I a team player?
I just chugged a 40
with my asshole.
I'm a team player.
Then get your head in the game.
It's the bottom of the third,
we are down by one,
and there is not a lot
of game left.
There is a lot
of game left, though.
Listen. You have one pass left.
One. One pass.
- Is it rug... rugby?
- You don't have a limit on passing.
Is it Australian-rules
football?
And if it was the third,
I would have the fourth...
You know what? You know
what's happening right now?
Let me tell you what's
happening right now.
Is Kayla and Connor
are sliding into bed.
He's grabbing a condom,
and then he's flicking it
to the side
with a smirk on his face.
That fucking smirk. No way.
We need a Hail Mary pass.
Are you up for that, son?
- Yes, Coach.
- Well, I can't hear you.
- Yes, Coach. I'm in it.
- I can't hear you!
I can fucking do this!
Let's go!
Okay, we gotta...
we gotta be quiet.
HUNTER (whispering):
Careful.
All right, go.
Go.
(whispering):
Did you...? Look at that.
(whispering):
Go out that way.
There's a person.
There's a person.
What? Fuck you.
Jesus Christ.
RON (singsongy):
I'm gonna get you.
(chuckles)
Not if I get you first.
(hooting like a monkey)
(piano plays discordant notes)
No, no. Get away from here.
- I'm fucking out.
- Mitchell, in. - Get in. (gasps)
- RON: Cath?
- CATHY: Ron, no talking.
Come on, we had a deal.
We have to find each other
by sensing each other's musks.
Can't use our voices.
(heavy, rumbling footsteps)
(cell phone buzzing)
(Cathy hooting)
Here, kitty, kitty.
I can smell that musk.
(Cathy hisses, purrs)
(Cathy chuckles)
- (Cathy screams, grunts)
- RON (chuckling): Oh. Yeah.
- (slapping)
- Yeah, yeah, I like the sound of that.
CATHY:
Oh!
RON:
Oh! Hey.
You want to touch first,
that works for Ronnie.
You want me to touch you?
- Help yourself.
- You want me to touch you?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna touch you hard.
- Do it. Do it.
- How about I touch you with my nails, baby?
- Let's have it.
- Oh, oh, yeah.
- Oh, wow.
- CATHY: Your hair is so sexy, babe.
Your grip is unbelievable.
RON:
I want you to touch me
where I like.
My balls, you know?
CATHY: Oh, you'd like me
to touch your balls.
You want me to touch
your balls, do you?
- RON: Yes, I do.
- CATHY: How badly do you
want me to tug at your balls?
RON: I want you
to rip them off my body.
- That's what I want.
- Mm, I don't really believe you.
I don't believe
you want it bad enough.
RON:
I want it bad. Do it. Come on.
- Really? How bad?
- I want it so bad that my balls
- are going to explode.
- Ooh, are they gonna explode
into a million little pieces?
Well, let me tell you
something, darling.
It is your lucky day.
Because it's Christmas for you.
- (groans)
- RON: Let's go.
Come on. Come on, do it.
- You there?
- What, this isn't hard enough?
- RON: Let's go. Come on.
- CATHY: Harder?
RON:
Come on, do it, do it.
- I'm waiting.
- Okeydokey.
CATHY (grunts):
Oh, yeah, you like that?
Hey, man, I don't judge
people's sex shit.
That was ridiculous and stupid.
Way to take one
for the team, guys.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Here it is.
"The police came
to the lake house.
Almost lost my flower
but didn't quite work out."
- Flower? - Flower?
- He said that? He's a boy.
LISA:
Hub-uh-uh, hub-uh-uh...
"Heading
to the Park West Hotel.
- We've got the Grand Lux Suite."
- Suite?
"Looks like the little boy
is becoming a man."
Fucking dork.
Okay, so that was
ten minutes ago.
So they haven't had sex yet.
We can still catch 'em.
Okay, let's do this.
I am free, yeah, yeah
Come water me, oh, oh
Love you so,
but if you don't
I have to leave,
oh, no, whoo
It's hot, I think I wanna
kick off both of my socks
I can feel it boilin' up
in this pot
A closed mouth don't get fed,
is you hungry or not?
Like brr-brr, operator,
caboose like choo-choo
Bless my trainer, thank God,
thank God, thank God
I'm gettin' thicker,
and I got 'em sweatin'
In the middle of the winter
Get up,
I don't get dehydrated
I moisturize it daily
I am my inspiration
- I am my inspiration
- Get up
I am free, yeah, yeah
Come water me, oh, oh
Love you so,
but if you don't
Then I have to go.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's she doing?
Is she okay?
No, she's not doing okay.
She's bummed.
She doesn't even want to kiss.
And I love kissing.
Give me your room key.
- What? Why?
- Yeah.
Give me your room key,
and then bring her up
in like 15 minutes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
Thanks. You're the man.
Thank you for this.
(sighs)
How we supposed to find them
in this place?
It's got like 20 rooms.
HUNTER:
I'm sorry, what the fuck
are you talking about?
20? It's got like 200.
What? 20?
Grand Lux Suite
is on the top floor.
HUNTER:
Go, go, go, go.
Move. Hurry, Lisa!
Dance, dance, dance, dance,
dance, dance, dance
Make it clap like this
Dance, dance,
dance, dance...
(sighs)
What am I doing here?
(door opens)
Oh, my God. (gasps)
Oh, my God, my favorite.
That's so sweet.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
This is a dream.
(gasps) It's, like, perfect.
That is... It's so nice.
You're so sweet.
It actually wasn't me.
It was Kayla.
She wanted you
to have the perfect night.
That's why it looks so good.
Well, why do you look so good?
(laughing):
You're such a dork.
I-I know.
- Oh, my God. (gasps)
- (Austin chuckles)
Not as smooth as I could.
Let me get my shoes.
(mouths)
Kayla?
Nobody move. Where's Kayla?
Kayla? Kayla?
Get that out of here.
Now, how's this work?
Is this...?
- No, just leave it.
- Okay, cool.
- It's difficult.
- Mm-hmm.
Play sports.
Mwah. Mwah.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Mwah.
And that's that.
So, you, uh,
sure you want to do this?
Yeah.
Yes. Fuck yeah.
You're gonna...
you're gonna penis me.
- Yep.
- First, I'm gonna...
I'm just gonna touch it.
- You want to touch it? Yeah, you can touch it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah.
- Okay, just, like...
Oh! Wow!
Okay. That is, like,
the greatest feeling
I've ever had
in my entire life. (moans)
Really?
It doesn't just feel like
a super dry hand of a friend?
No. Nope.
Okay, so...
do you want to, um...
put it in?
No.
Okay.
- I can't. I'm sorry.
- You know what?
Look, we don't ha... (yells)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
- Right there. Look at all of it.
Oh, my gosh! I gotta get over.
- Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- (Sam chuckling)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I just...
- It's okay.
- I was thinking about it and you,
and then it just... I'm sorry.
- (Chad panting)
- (Sam chuckles)
My God.
You're amazing.
I know we're still virgins,
but I feel different, you know?
Yeah.
I know.
You ready to, uh, do this?
Wait.
Wait. Um...
Ah, shit.
Shit.
Maybe Julie was right.
Like, maybe losing
your virginity
doesn't have to be perfect,
but...
I feel like it should
just be, like,
a little bit more special
than this, you know?
- Yeah.
- Like, not cheesy, but...
Like, if I was hard-pressed
right now,
I don't think I could remember
your last name.
- It's Aldrich.
- Aldrich.
I thought it was Ostrich.
I-I didn't realize
that you're a virgin.
- You know?
- Yeah.
Um, but, like,
I'd still be down to do it,
but maybe, like, you know,
when we get to know each other
a little more.
Like, maybe Monday
or something?
- Yeah.
- Not to, like, plan it and be weird, but, like...
No, no, I can look
at my schedule
- and see if it's... (chuckles)
- (laughing): Okay.
Pencil it in.
Um, yeah, that's cool.
- Okay, cool.
- Um, let's just relax.
We could do, like, some
light journaling or something.
Yeah, yeah, we could...
we could do that.
Or we could do,
like, other stuff.
Yeah? Like what?
Like...
not sex, but...
I'm still down for pleasure.
(Connor chuckles)
(exhales sharply)
You got this.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Anyone seen Sam?
Anyone seen Sam?
Chad!
Fuck.
Get out of the way.
(grunts) Jesus!
(both groaning)
What the f...?
You again?
- You!
- What the fuck?
What's your beef with me, dude?
I don't know
who the fuck you are!
I'm Jake motherfucking Donahue.
That name means nothing to me.
Do you know what it's like
to be humiliated
in front of everyone you know
and have to seek redemption
for that?
Actually, yes, I do.
Kayla? Kayla?
Kayla? Get the hell away
from my daughter,
you little piece of shit!
- Dad, what the...?
- (Connor screams)
KAYLA:
Oh, my God!
You okay?
He didn't hurt you, did he?
What? No, he didn't hurt me.
Holy shit! Connor.
- CONNOR: Ow.
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
I'm actually totally fine.
Connor, I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay, though?
- Yeah, please...
Are you sure?
Dad, what the...
what are you doing here?
I've been following you around
all night.
Are you ser...? Oh, my God.
You've been following me?
- Are you crazy?
- You gave me no choice.
You're in over your head
with this kid.
I am not some pathetic
damsel in distress
that needs saving.
- I can handle myself.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
- Kayla, you can't.
And that's why I'm here.
It's my job.
Oh.
Yeah, so you just don't think
I can make my own decisions
and handle myself.
That really fucking sucks.
(sighs) Kayla...
Kayla, I'm just trying
to figure this thing out.
God. Why is sex even bad?
(sighs)
I-I don't know.
I don't know. It's...
It's not... You know, it's...
I don't know.
I'm...
I'm just trying to be
the best dad I can be.
Well, you are.
You taught me everything.
You built me up.
Made me strong.
You made me into who I am.
Like, that's... (chuckles)
You did not have
to save me tonight, Dad.
You taught me how to do that
a long time ago.
And I love you for it.
Best coach ever. (chuckles)
Thank you. Thank you.
- (sniffling)
- Oh, Dad, come on.
Come on, toughen up.
It was just really nice
what you said.
(sniffs)
It's good. It's good.
I mean it.
Thanks. I feel like...
like Phil Jackson when he
was coaching the Bulls,
and... and then the...
and they were so good.
- (Kayla chuckles)
- (Mitchell sniffs)
- That's how I feel right now.
- Yeah.
AUSTIN: I should have taken
my socks off first.
(both laughing)
Now, I'm just warning you,
I've practiced a few times,
- but this might not go that well.
- That doesn't look right.
- Yeah, all right.
- I think you need another one.
- I think we need another one, too.
- Wait, wait.
We have to do our dance.
- We have to. Like, yeah, yeah.
- What, now?
- Naked?
- No, get me one of those, um...
the hotel robes.
I want to feel fabulous.
(laughing):
Okay.
Coming right up, milady.
Your shadow running around
It's funny how things
never change
In this old town
So far
(chuckling)
From the stars...
AUSTIN: We're gonna christen
every corner of this room.
And when we're done,
let's FaceTime my parents.
JULIE:
Okay, but right now,
I want you to stare
into my eyes.
- AUSTIN: What?
- JULIE: Mm-hmm.
I just want, like,
a real connection.
AUSTIN: So you just want me
to look straight into your eyes
for the next three minutes
and 37 seconds?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Wish I was there
with you now
If the whole world
was watching
I'd still dance with you
Look at me.
Drive highways and byways
To be there with you
Over and over
the only truth
Everything comes back
to you
(electrical buzzing)
I saw that you moved on
with someone new
In the pub that we met
He's got his arms
around you
It's so hard
So hard
And I want to tell you
everything
The words I never got to say
the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were
the children
Playing in this fairground
Wish I was there
with you now
'Cause if the whole world
was watching, I'd still...
(knocking)
- Dad?
- Where is he?
- What are you doing here?
- Chad?
Hey, Chad, you motherfucker.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Did he make you do something
you don't want to do?
'Cause I don't care if he's
the fucking coolest kid
in school.
I'm gonna shove his fedora
so far up his ass,
it'll be a hat.
No, Dad, we didn't do it.
All right? And even if we did,
it would be none
of your business.
It's just,
I was worried about you.
Well, that's a first.
I deserve that. (sighs)
Sam, I gotta tell you
something,
and I'm just gonna say it.
(Hunter groans)
(Hunter sighs)
Sam, I have realized
over the last few years...
...that I have made
a big mistake in my life.
What, like cheating on my mom?
Well, no. Marrying your mom.
But no, that...
that wasn't a mistake,
because then I wouldn't
have had you.
(stammers)
I've made lots of mistakes,
but th-the big mistake...
is that I let what happened
between your mom and I
get in the way
of our relationship.
I'm sorry.
And I hope that we
can start over and...
build up our relationship again
because...
you're my only kid.
And I'm your only dad.
Well, Frank is...
Fuck Frank.
(chuckles)
Frank's fine.
Dad, can I tell you
something now?
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, anything.
I'm a lesbian.
(quietly):
Give me your hand.
What does your mom think?
She doesn't know.
You told me
before you told your mom?
- Yeah.
- (crying): That's big news.
She doesn't know?
- You didn't tell Frank?
- No.
(Hunter sobbing)
(sighs, sniffs)
Okay. Over.
(crying):
Crying is over.
What do your girlfriends think?
No, I'm too nervous.
I can't tell them.
You're nervous
to tell Kayla and Julie?
It's just... I don't want
to lose my two best friends.
This is the stuff you tell
the people you care about.
You think they're not gonna
support you because you're gay?
They would support you
if you were a vampire.
They would support you more.
- With all the Twilight shit.
- (Sam laughs)
- Do we still like Twilight?
- Definitely not.
(laughing):
No, no.
Oh, God.
Thanks for showing up.
Really.
But you should probably leave
because it's insane
that you even came here
in the first place.
I'd love to get
a picture with you.
Yeah.
Great. Okay.
Just gonna stand on this.
Yeah, you know...
you know the drill. Come on.
Come on. Here we go.
Gotta turn it around here.
Dad, you're not taking it.
It's...
What?
I'll remember this.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
HUNTER:
What's up, dawg?
So, I just, uh...
parented the shit out of Sam.
And I feel, uh...
oh, God, like, uh...
pride, I think.
- That's it.
- It's new.
Good for you, man.
Thanks.
Well done, my friend.
- Thank you.
- Well done.
How'd it go with Kayla?
Put Connor through a wall.
Are you serious?
(chuckling):
Yeah. He's okay.
Yeah, he's lighter
than I thought.
(both laughing)
Hey.
Hi.
So, Julie's, um...
Julie's having sex right now.
- Okay. And sit down.
- Wowie.
Yeah.
But it's good.
It's fine, right?
I mean, you have to do that
eventually.
Right?
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
They seem like they really like
each other, and that's nice.
That's a good thing, but it's
just a little, you know, scary,
because what if he doesn't know
how to do it right?
You know, like, what if he
doesn't know where to put it?
But he knows, right?
Should I go back up there?
- No. No, no, no, no.
- No, no, he'll figure it out.
- No, no.
- It's one or the other.
Nope. You stay right here.
Do you want to have
a drink right now?
You mean, like, hang out?
Yeah.
Yes, I do.
I'm in. I'm definitely in.
Um, we will be having
some shots of alcohol, please.
Yes, we will.
This is crazy.
(all laughing)
- This is...
- Well, I'm going to, uh...
let you guys have your fun,
and I will, uh...
I-I will see you guys around.
Hey!
You, too.
Yeah.
Right.
Fuck yeah.
- Pia colada.
- (Lisa laughs)
Just get him a shot.
LISA:
Cheers.
What a night, guys.
HUNTER:
That's beautiful.
So, I don't think the kid
at the lake house
was actually butt-chugging.
- LISA: Definitely.
- HUNTER: Yeah.
- MITCHELL: What?
- Yep. - Yeah.
And so he threw me
through a table, uh...
- KAYLA: I'm so sorry.
- CONNOR: No, it was cool.
I, like... I kind of feel fine.
- All right, see you.
- It's cool. - See you.
CONNOR:
Hey, guys.
Austin, uh, let's go
- get a drink, man.
- Yeah, sure.
KAYLA:
Want a fry?
So badly. (laughs)
SAM:
Can I have a fry, too?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
(laughing)
So...
I... I couldn't
go through with it.
Yes, I didn't. No.
(Sam gasps)
(all laughing)
Holy shit.
You're a woman amongst girls.
- Julie. - Yeah.
- Congratu-fuck-ulations.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- How was it?
Honestly,
it was a little painful,
kind of fast
and kind of awkward,
but absolutely perfect.
Aw!
(all laugh)
You guys, so much...
so much went down tonight.
SAM:
I know.
Including Connor.
- No.
- KAYLA: Let's just say...
The Chef went out to eat...
my pussy.
(all laughing)
It was good.
CHAD (over speakers):
Ba-ba-ba!
- DJ Chad.
- Is that Chad?
- That's Chad. Chad!
- That's Chad.
- CHAD: Scream my name
- Yes, Chad!
Holy shit. Fuck yeah, Chad!
I love me,
gonna love myself
No, I don't need
anybody else, hey
Gonna love myself,
no, I don't need anybody else
I love me,
can't help myself
No, I don't need
anybody else
Any time, day or night...
Guys, I got to tell you
something.
Okay, okay.
(indistinct whispering)
Really?
- Yeah.
- Wait, you are?
Yeah.
I love you.
Forever.
And you, too.
Oh, my God!
- I love you. Hold on.
- Sam, come here, you.
Excuse me.
I can't believe
you didn't tell us.
Yay!
(Kayla imitates
trumpet fanfare)
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh.
Uh, Julie, I think we got
something over here.
Dope cape.
(chuckles)
And I'm not...
misreading things.
I love me, gonna love myself,
no, I don't need anybody else
Hey, gonna love myself
No, I don't need
anybody else
I love me,
can't help myself
No, I don't need
anybody else
Any time, day or night
I love me,
gonna love myself
No, I don't need
anybody else...
So you'll call me every day
till you get to L.A., right?
Yeah, and then, like,
every day after that.
Okay.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
You're gonna be okay, though.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's the weirdest thing
because...
I have been worried
about this day for 18 years,
and then I wake up
this morning, and...
(chuckles) nothing.
Like, I don't feel
emotional at all.
I just feel, like...
- It's so bizarre.
- Mm-hmm.
What is that?
It's, like, splashing on me.
I know.
Isn't that so strange?
Yeah.
I love you, Mom.
I love you.
No, I have money. I...
Lisa, tell him
I can afford br...
Hmm. Sorry. Sorry.
- KAYLA: All right, come on.
- (horn honks)
Let's get this road trip
started!
- SAM: We're waiting for you!
- I love you.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Oh, hold on.
Let me take a video.
(squeals, laughs)
- I love you.
- LISA: I love you.
Bye, Mom.
- HUNTER: I love you.
- SAM: Okay, bye.
- Mwah!
- KAYLA: See you.
Drop Julie off in Cali,
and then you and Kayla
- come right back home.
- That's a, a big maybe.
- And text, please. Please.
- JULIE: Hey.
Take care of my mom,
you two, okay?
- HUNTER: We will. All right.
- CONNOR: Later, big guy.
- Bye, Dad.
- I'm going to college! - Bye!
MITCHELL: Drive careful, young
man. That's precious cargo.
- (Kayla and Sam whooping)
- JULIE: Love you!
- Aw.
- Come on.
- Guys. - Come on.
- LISA: We did it.
We did it. We did it.
- We parented.
- (Lisa sighs)
- We did it.
- We did it.
(Lisa sighs)
- (cell phone chiming)
- Oh, it's Julie.
Oh, I must have been
accidentally added to the...
the group conversation.
- Oh, well, should probably leave.
- What's, uh...
"Can't-can't believe
we're on our own now."
- (chuckles)
- Aw, that's sweet. - Yeah.
"We're gonna get lit af."
"Lit A.F."
- That's not great.
- (cell phone chimes)
No, it's... they're gonna get
literature. African literature.
You think that's
what "lit A.F." means?
You think they're talking
to each other about, like...
- "Lit A.F."
- "Can The Chef get us..."
MITCHELL:
Trees? What the hell's trees?
HUNTER: Trees mean weed.
I told you that.
- Mushrooms, pills.
- MITCHELL: No, the pills are...
Kayla's allergy.
That's Claritin.
It's not Claritin. Look.
Snowflakes. That's blow.
"#NoParentsNoRules.
# MadDrugs.
# NoCondoms."
Why would they hashtag that?
Wait, I'm sorry. Is that
a needle and an eggplant?
What, are they gonna inject
heroin into some guy's dick?
- Let's go.
- Let's get in the car.
- I'll drive.
- I'm sitting behind you.
- (cell phone chiming)
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(high-pitched voice):
We're just messing with you.
Ha-ha!
"We love you guys.
Don't worry."
(all laughing)
You guys were so pranked!
I was in on it.
- You didn't know.
- No, no, I did. I didn't know it was
coming right now. That's why
I kind of sold it so well.
But it doesn't matter.
But you guys were like,
"Holy shit!"
- Yeah.
- Whew.
I do my hair toss,
check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell...
("Sweet Love" by Anita Baker
playing)
Damn it, Mitchell.
Marco.
Polo.
I...
Mitchell,
are you getting a snack?
I'm so glad we can
do stuff like this
now that Kayla's in college.
(chuckles)
I have no idea where you are.
I'm gonna do so much stuff
to you when I find you.
- Oh, oh.
- Marco.
- Polo.
- Ah, ah.
- Polo!
- (gasps, laughs)
I can't believe you!
It took forever!
I spent so much time
on the stairs.
- We're doing this.
- We're, like, totally doing it.
- I know. It's hot.
- Let's just get crazy.
- (whoops)
- I don't know.
I want you to grab my balls,
like Ron likes it,
like, uh... like, hard.
(screams)
(both scream)
Ooh, child,
tired of the bullshit
Go on, dust
your shoulders off
Keep it moving
Yes, Lord, trying
to get some new shit
In there, swimwear,
going to the pool shit
Come now,
come dry your eyes
You know you a star,
you can touch the sky
I know that it's hard,
but you have to try
If you need advice,
let me simplify
If he don't love you
anymore
Just walk your fine ass
out the door
I do my hair toss,
check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Feelin' good as hell
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Whoo, girl,
need to kick off your shoes
Gotta take a deep breath,
time to focus on you
All the big fights, long
nights that you been through
I got a bottle of tequila
I've been saving for you
Boss up
and change your life
You can have it all,
no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong,
we can make it right
So go and let it all
hang out tonight
'Cause he don't love you
anymore
So walk your fine ass
out the door
And do your hair toss,
check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
- Feelin' good as hell
- Shine on tonight
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Mmm, yeah
All right
Listen
If he don't love you
anymore
Then walk your fine ass
out the door
And do your hair toss,
check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
- Whoo-hoo...
- Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
- Feelin' good as hell
- Shine on tonight
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell
Feelin' good as hell
Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell.
(music ends)