Blonde and Blonder (2007) Movie Script
Oh, something's back there.
Oh.
Oh.
[laughing] You got one, too.
Oh! Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Oh.
Nice outfit. I meant to tell
you back there.
Thanks.
Yours, too.
They think I'm crazy
to get this for flying.
[scoffs] Me too. Shows
what they know.
Yeah. It's all about taste.
[giggles] I'm Dawn.
Dee.
Cool. Dawn-Dee. [chuckles]
That's so cute.
I guess so.
Shall we take this baby up?
Sounds good to me.
So what's next?
Uh. We start the engine and we
take off into the sky.
Okay. They make it
sound so easy.
(Dee) That's how they
explained it to me.
(Dawn) Oh-uh, tell me if I'm doing
something wrong.
Okay. But I'm sure
you'll know first.
I'll just pay close attention.
[giggles] Wow, I feel like I'm
at Driver's Ed again.
Hey, great office supplies!
Oh, thanks.
That's a cute pen.
Alright!
I want to take some notes.
Okay. Alright. So,
seatbelt, check.
Mirrors?
Don't see any.
Um. Blinkers?
Headlights?
I'm just gonna get my book out. Okay.
Um. Alright.
Well, I turn on the master switch,
then the ignition?
Okay.
Push the throttle.
[both laugh and yell]
(Both) We're flying!
Turn! Turn!
[laughs] I did it!
I can't believe it.
Okay. Miss St. Dom
and Miss Dee Twiddle.
We're gonna be flying over
some incredible sce--
Amazing? Incredible scenery.
[gasps heavily] No!
Ladies!
Ladies, stop the plane.
Ladies! Ladies!
Uh! Oh!
Stop the plane!
Alright, here we go!
Up, up and today!
[gasps and heaves] Oh-- Oh, God!
What's wrong, Frank?
Bernie's lost his mind. He took
off without clearance.
Bernie?
That'd be a first.
What the hell is he thinking?
You can ask him yourself.
Oh my God.
They took the plane.
Who took the plane?
Two blondes.
Blondes.
Blondes.
Blondes?
Oh my God.
We're flying!
I can't believe it!
Do you always get this
excited when you fly?
Yeah. Don't you?
Sure.
So when did you start flying?
Well, today's my first lesson.
Really? Me, too.
Oh, that's funny.
Sean Bromley steps up to the tee,
he's an amateur in this
Pro Am Tournament,
and as you might see,
a par here could tie
him for the day.
Oh my God!
We're gonna crash!
Look at that!
What a shot!
Right for the pin.
A hole in one?
Could it be?
That's pretty freaking low.
Do something!
What?
(Both) Turn it off!
We're gonna crash!
Run for your life!
Look out!
Oh,
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the airplane has just made a hole in one.
We're going up to the plane
right now
there are two people inside,
They're okay!
There are two women
who just came out of the plane.
They seem to be okay.
We come in peace.
They're blond.
Is there a lawyer in here?
Uh, I'm a lawyer!
Yeah, me too.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a litigation attorney.
Yeah, right here.
So,
the bastard's living in Vancouver.
Can you believe the nerve?
Took an add out using his real name.
"The Beaver Patch Lounge."
Seems like old Louie hasn't changed a bit.
But the Witness Protection Program don't
know nothing about this.
They will soon enough.
Let me take him out, boss.
It would give me great pleasure.
No.
We need someone to move undetected.
Too many FBI protecting him.
In and out, in the blink of an eye.
The Cat's eye.
The Cat?
Who better to kill a rat?
The perfect assassin.
Still completely unknown even by me.
A mastermind killer with an IQ off the
scale of normal humans.
She's never failed.
Even her victims haven't
seen her. A ghost.
She's not completely unknown
we know she's a woman--
Don't interrupt me! Who's the freaking
Godfather here, huh?
I'm sorry, boss.
Alright.
A ghost,
that never leaves a trace.
Send half the kill money to her contact.
If she nails this one,
we'll let her take out the
infamous Mr. Wong.
Looks like I got another job, Kit.
Woo Hoo,
party time!
The Godfather wants me
to take out Lou Rimoli
at the Beaver Patch Lounge.
I thought you were retiring.
Let me take this one. You
have enough kills.
I have to do this last one, Kit.
A final favor for the Godfather.
Besides, doing Lou Rimoli will
be a pleasure.
I promise,
after this one I'll turn the
claw over to you.
Meow.
I love you.
For driving without a license.
Pay a $100 fine and we don't even have
to show up in court.
Aw, those cops are so sweet.
I know, they were cute, too.
I know.
Look at John Daley.
I mean, please!
Come on, look around.
Check all this out.
All for me.
For my vision.
For my picture.
When I say "Jump" the
studio says "How high"?
Hey!
Oh!
All right! Let's shoot this thing
before the snow melts.
Where's my megaphone guy?
Too slow!
You're fired!
Get me a new megaphone guy.
[sighs] What are
we listening to?
Oh, that's The Sound
of Music.
Oh, cool.
What's the music called?
Move! Hey!
Nobody yells "move" on my set. I'll tell
you when to move.
Move!
Oh!
Are you okay?
[gasps] Those jerks!
Who were those crazy blondes?
Are they trying to get killed?
Didn't they see there
were no crosswalks? Jeez.
God! Stupid Hill Piggies.
They'd better not have scratched my car.
I know.
(Dee) Are you okay?
(Dawn) I think so.
Are you okay?
Uh, I think so, too.
What a day.
Take a left here and then two rights.
Wait, no. I'm sorry.
Take a right here and then two lefts.
Wait. Can you say that again?
U m, I don't think so.
[mouths silently]
(Dee) Hey, are we
going in circles?
(Dawn) [chuckles] No, don't be silly.
Go left. Okay,
turn left and just
Here we go!
Wait, sharp right.
Woo! I'm dizzy!
(Dawn) [chuckles] Beep! We're here!
Oh! I'm in this one.
How long have you lived here?
Nine months.
How about you?
Not nearly that long. About a year.
Oh. Hey,
you wanna come see Virgil?
Is he cute?
He's really cute.
Sure!
It's so cold.
Are you a magician?
No, it always does that.
Really?
Can I try?
Sure.
[laughs] I love it! Wow!
[laughs] I got to see him.
Virgil.
Virgil.
Virgil's your dog?
No, Virgil's not a dog.
Oh, there he is. [sings]
Virgil's a turtle.
(Dawn) Oh, Virgil.
(Dee) It'll take 'em over
a minute to get here.
He's the one to win the
race, right Virgil?
Oh, Virgil. I don't think you're
gonna win many races.
[chuckles] Well, just a
figure of speech.
(Dee) Baby, come
to mama.
Come here, baby.
He likes to kiss me.
He's so cute. Virgil.
Are we?
Go back under there.
There you go. Don't toot.
[farts]
What was that?
He has a little gas problem.
Oh, okay.
I got him from a turtle orphanage.
Really?
They have them?
Not enough.
That's my dream.
I want to have my own
turtle orphanage.
And I want to dance in a Broadway play.
That's nice.
[chuckles] What's your dream?
My dream is to marry the
man of my dreams.
Who is he?
I'll show you.
Wait 'till you see him.
(Dee) Oh, that's
what that's for.
Yeah. DVDs.
At Superfly, our destinations are
your dream vacations.
So come fly high with us.
(Dawn) Isn't he dreamy?
(Dee) Yeah, he's cute.
Can you help me land him?
Of course you can land him.
Really?
I mean, you have beauty and looks.
You can't lose.
Oh, thank you.
So, where are you dancing? I'd love to
come see you some time.
Oh, well, I'm kinda
between jobs right now.
Oh, me too.
Yeah, I got fired for typos.
[gasps] What are typos?
I have no idea.
I was working at a talent agency,
you know, a receptionist and
secretarial stuff,
and I have to admit, I'm not
much of a typist.
Ah! Sh.
I love White-O.
Mr. Lean, there's something
wrong with the computer.
[sighs] What, what, what?
[sucks air in sharply
and sighs]
Oh, my--
Get out! Now!
Well,
I've been working on a little
Busby Berkeley, Gene Kelley number.
Oh, here. Sorry about that.
Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Oh! Oh!
(Dawn) [laughs]
(Dee) [sings]
Ta-ra-ta.
Oh!
[sings] Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Like this. Like that.
(Dee) Whew!
I always do that. And then,
it's a big fat, oh!
(Dee) Jeez. And then
it's a big Ta-ra!
(Dee) Oh! Ow!
Wow!
Ow!
Oh!
That's it.
That's so good!
Wow! My God, you're a
really good dancer.
You came up with all those
moves yourself?
Uh-huh. Well,
I had inspirations.
You're really good.
Thank you. Want to give it a try?
Give it a try.
Oh, God, no. That's a hard act to
follow, I couldn't do that.
You can, I will talk you through it.
Okay? Yeah, do it.
Okay.
I'll start the music again.
Okay. Hey.
(Dawn) Start with
the kicks.
Oh, shit. Well, sorry.
Just, just, um.
Okay. And a one,
and a two and a three.
Flashdance! Flashdance!
And perfect, oh!
Now one, two,
kick, kick those legs!
Kick it!
Oh my God.
Look at you.
You're so good.
Big finish!
Big finish!
Big finish?
Okay, big finish.
Big finish!
[whispers] Jazz hands.
[whispers] Jazz hands.
[whispers and chuckles]
That's so good.
You are a natural.
"Natural", my ass.
I didn't train in 8 years for that.
A lot of good it did me.
Because, how many jobs really ask you
to do the splits? Zippo.
Were you a dancer?
Gymnast. I tried out for the
National Park Olympics,
I placed 90th.
[gasps] What happened?
Discovered boys.
It was a lot more fun.
Because the guys really do
dig my backbends,
so maybe it wasn't a total waste.
A waste? With your talent, honey, you're
gonna make us stars!
Oh my God.
At last!
(Dee) The first
thing we do is
We do that by getting your first gig.
[gasps] Oh, look at this!
"Looking for dancers
at the Beaver Patch Lounge"
That sounds like a nice family show.
Yeah, with animals.
Like Doctor Doolittle.
Yeah.
You're going for this audition
and you'll get it.
With me,
you can't lose.
You think?
You know what they say, "Great minds do."
That's right.
I'm so excited.
"Beaver Patch Lounge" that sounds
like a great place to work.
Alright.
While transporting an alleged perpetrator
in the car,
someone passed some very nasty gas.
And you denied being the guilty party
and blamed the suspect,
Agent Campbell,
was it not in fact you,
who cut the cheese?
No.
Ha!
Damn!
This machine is good.
Alright, alright. It-- it's my turn now.
It's my turn. Okay.
Last fall, someone stole a donut,
off of my desk.
They took a bite,
and they put it back.
Was that in fact you,
Agent Gardenia?
No.
He, he.
Aw.
Okay, thi-- this machine
has got to be wacko.
Let's do one more round,
I'll give you, uh, uh,
five to one odds on this.
Hey.
I got a new job for you guys.
What's up,
boss?
Rimoli blew his cover
as protected witness.
He's running a joint called "The
Beaver Patch Lounge."
Until I can convince him to take on a new
identity and relocate,
I want you two to shadow him. Make
sure nobody wacks him.
Leave it to us, boss. No one will get
near him with us watching.
For the past several months
somebody's been writing unflattering
things about me
in the bathroom stalls.
Really?
Now, would that be you?
Or you?
Me? No. I-- I-- can assure you, sir,
that we-- we would never do such a thing.
We're professionals.
That's out of character.
I can assure you we would
never do such a thing.
These machines, look,
they're so unreliable
that-- that we're calibrating.
Just get out of my sight
before I hook up your family
jewels to those things.
[light chatter]
Damn. I don't believe it.
That's a very tasty act you
got there, my dear.
Thank you.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm in an audition.
What am I doing?
Have you seen this ad?
Is the audition over?
No. Stay upside down.
You interrupt my fun to show me my ad?
You wrote this in the paper? You
used your real name.
No shit. The name Louie Rimoli
used to mean something in some places.
In powerful organizations
it means "Kill with extreme prejudice."
That was a long time ago.
They've probably forgotten.
Yeah, yeah.
Louie,
Louie, these people don't forget.
Oh, okay.
You're hired.
Send in the next girl.
So I can finish my lunch.
You know I didn't join the Agency
to protect the scum of the earth.
Reformed scum of the earth.
That's what the Witness Protection
Program is all about.
Look over there.
Tell me what's reformed.
We're here to protect Louie Rimoli.
Can't judge a book by it's cover,
Agent Campbell.
This book should have been judged
a long time ago.
My mother was right.
I should have been a bible salesman.
What?
Bibles.
No way.
Way.
Well, whatever floats
your boat, I guess.
I thought you were a Buddhist.
What are we doing here, Swan? We can get
in big shit for this.
This is The Cat's job.
Don't worry, Leo, You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.
We won't interfere, you know.
Just wanna put a face to the
reputation. That's all.
Nobody knows what she looks like.
Ah, that's why we're here. Okay?
Now, keep your eyes peeled.
One of these women coming
in or going out
is the infamous Cat.
You're next, doll face.
Hi.
Hi.
We're here for the audition.
Aren't we all.
It amazes me the lengths people go
to to get these auditions.
I know.
I like your shorts.
Are those real nylon?
Oh, excuse me,
do you guys know what the show's about?
About?
Yeah.
Yeah. The plot. The driving
force if you will.
Oh! Oh,
the driving force?
Yeah, it's about producing
erections.
Oh.
It's a musical about architecture.
That's unusual, right?
No, not really.
Producing. Cool!
Mmm.
(Louie) So, uh, what've
you got for me?
Surprise of a lifetime.
Uh-huh?
It's nice.
You got another surprise for me?
You like this?
Oh!
Ah! Just give uncle Louie a taste
maybe, huh?
You know what? Time is money.
Come with me.
Come on, show me what you got.
There's an idea.
The Godfather says goodbye.
Can I help you girls
Mr. Ravioli?
Uh, no, he's inside.
I'm Manny,
the Talent Manager.
What's your act?
We're a new team.
Together?
Yeah.
Well that I would like to see.
We're excited about producing
your erections.
[whispers] Good one.
Are you gonna watch us, too?
It's tempting.
Tempting,
but, uh, Louie prefers to do his
business one on one,
but I'm sure he wouldn't object to
a two on one, if you know what I mean.
Ha.
Hi, Mr. Ravioli. I'm Dee and this
is my partner Dawn.
We're here to audition
for your show.
No, no! Don't say a word.
Don't say anything.
Just relax, sit there, have
a drink, smoke your cigar,
and enjoy the show.
Ready Freddie?
You're gonna like this.
You're gonna like this.
I think he's interested.
I'm really good at reading people.
Definitely.
You ready, Dee?
Yeah.
Six, seven, eight,
(both) One, two, three, four.
Six, seven, eight.
Sorry.
Starfish!
(both) Starfish!
Starfish!
Big finish!
Oh, big finish.
Big finish.
(both) Jazz hands!
Mr. Ravioli.
Oh!
You killed him!
I killed him?
You threw a stick at him.
Now he's never gonna give us a job.
Oh my God,
you're right.
Oh, no.
I know we didn't kill'
em. Maybe he's,
maybe he had a heart attack from
watching our crazy moves. It happens.
Give him the hammock remover.
The hammock remover?
Oh!
Um, okay.
Oh, oh! His piece of hair!
Oh my God. oh!
Someone's here.
Hey.
[chuckles] I'll come back later.
Wow, some guys get to
have all the fun.
What are we gonna do?
Just leave him alone there.
[whispers] Let's leave discreetly.
Oh my God!
Oh!
He's on fire!
Oh my God!
Oh!
Oh, no! What have you done?
Oh God!
Hurry up!
Move it!
Oh my God.
Them?
No.
The Cat works alone. Besides,
those outfits are way too flashy.
A good assassin keeps a very low
profile, Leo.
You'd better remember that.
Help! Help! Somebody! Anybody!
There's been a murder!
Murder! Help!
Murder! Help!
Oh, crap!
Then again.
Come here! There's been a murder!
Come on in! Come here!
Somebody help me!
My boss has been murdered!
Louie's been murdered.
I thought you said it
wasn't them.
That's just what she wants
you to think,
expecting to work alone, she brings
somebody along.
instead of blending in,
she stands out.
(driver) She's brilliant!
The Godfather's gonna want this Cat,
or kitties, if you will, to take
out Mr. Wong for sure.
(Manny) I warned him, but
he wouldn't listen.
I should've guessed they'd use The Cat.
So you think this was the
work of The Cat?
Oh yeah,
without a doubt.
They were professionals.
They even invited me in
to watch them do it.
Oh my God, I could've
been killed, too.
Now wait,
you said "they"?
Yeah, there were two of them.
And we got them on the
surveillance tape.
Good. Good.
She's become brazen
and taken on a partner.
[both gasp] Oh! Oh!
All things considered,
I think the audition went really well.
It did.
Didn't it?
It did.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Oh!
Okay, we leave town.
Let's get out of here.
Pack whatever you can,
let's get out of here.
No, we're innocent.
Let's go on a vacation.
We're going to die.
Someone's at the door.
[screams] Oh! Okay.
Oh my God!
Grab something hard.
We're not home right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
Here's the beep."Beep."
Good one.
Hello. Yeah. Oh my God.
It's Warren,
What?
You know how they
killed Louie?
They burned his friggen
head off.
What?
They burned his friggen
head off!
Holy shit.
Hello,
we're friends, ladies, uh, we're
here to offer you a job.
Oh, job. I could really use a job.
So could I.
May we come in?
Sure.
So we were thinking, oh.
We work for Mr. Capella, uh,
there's no need for violence.
Oh!
I'll be the judge of that.
Are you guys agents?
No, no, no,
uh, we work for Mr. Capella,
I swear to God.
I think I've actually
heard of him.
He runs a big firm, right?
Yeah, that's it.
A big firm, probably one of the biggest.
So the rumors are true, you've
taken on a new partner?
Wow, you know,
word travels fast.
I just booked you in today.
I know.
We won't waste any of your time. Let's get
right to our point of view.
We're listening.
There's a guy. He lives in Niagara Falls.
His name is Hang Wong.
We want you to take him out.
Take him out?
I don't even know 'em.
We're willing to pay big bucks.
Say a quarter of a million dollars?
Wait a second.
You're want me to take this guy
out for $25,000?
Just take him out?
Wow. Is that more?
I think so.
Half now and half when
you're finished.
Why me?
Why you?
[chuckles] 'Cause you're the best, you know?
For that kind of money I'll take him out,
take him in or all out.
I know you guys are great,
but it's not that easy
this guy's well protected.
Ah, doting mom. Don't worry,
I know the type.
Well, don't worry. I've taken out
tons and tons of guys. Lots of guys.
I've taken out doctors,
lawyers, actors,
musicians,
and don't even get me started with the
high school boys.
Oh, woo wee!
High school? You were taking out
people in high school?
Oh yeah, only the ones I liked.
Wait, have you ever done any girls?
Once. I just wanted to see
what it felt like.
Me, too.
Really?
Wait, we don't have to do this do we?
Listen, I don't care what you do
to the guy just get the job done, okay?
Well, when is he expecting us?
He's not. But the sooner
the better, okay?
I think it fits into our schedule.
Okay, we'll do it.
Okay, deal. Alright,
here's the, uh,
show of good faith.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Pleasure doing business with you.
It's American.
Woo! Woo!
We're going to Niagara Falls!
Woo!
How'd it go?
Piece of cake.
Couldn't bring yourself to turn
down one last slice, huh?
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on. It's all over the street.
You agreed to take out Mr. Wong
in Niagara Falls.
You told me I'd get the next one.
Wait,
someone hired The Cat
to hit Mr. Wong? Who?
Like you don't know.
The Godfather, for a quarter of a million.
Well, well, well,
someone finally decided to step
on my paws.
Fatal mistake.
Are you saying someone
is pretending to be you?
Someone's about to get scratched. Badly.
I'm coming with you.
Tell you what,
kitten, this time,
you get to do the honors.
I'm in.
Meow.
Have you seen these two women?
Yeah, I remember 'em.
Two dumb blondes,
they came in early this morning.
Amazing.
Their cover's flawless.
Yeah, they bought a red Minicooper from
the lot. Paid cash.
Of course,
no credit card, no paper trail.
Continue.
That's it. They left their car,
said they'd pick it up,
when they returned from
Niagara Falls,
said they were gonna take out a Mr. Wong
or something.
You'll never see them again.
Hey, can I keep their car?
No, I'm sorry,
it's evidence.
They'll probably use it to run over
innocent babies.
Can I get out of the rain now?
Oh, please.
Okay.
Simply brilliant.
They knew we'd have the train station
and airport staked out.
But, we didn't.
Well, we should have.
Smart Mr. Wong.
Looks like they're celebrating another
notch in their kill pole, Campbell.
Run up all available agents.
We're goin to Niagara Falls.
Boss, we need to talk.
So talk.
Uh,
We did like you said. We delivered
the money to The Cat.
And?
She's not working alone anymore, boss,
She's hired on another assassin.
They torched Guido at The
Beaver Patch pretty bad.
Burned his whole head off.
They're bad to the bone, boss.
Yeah, he's right,
if we didn't stand our ground when
delivering the money,
we wouldn't be here now.
They were drooling at the mouth.
They were crazed with blood lust from
the hit on Louie Rimoli.
They were gonna do some fancy high
moves of karate on us,
but we stared them right down their eyes.
You would've been proud of us.
Yeah, we looked death right in the
face and we laughed.
It's right. They knew better than
to mess with us,
finely tuned killing machines.
What?
An apprentice?
Yeah.
But The Cat knows better.
Any self-respecting assassin works alone.
This is not good.
No.
Nope.
She's got some cojones.
You're telling me.
Does she ever.
Yeah, she looks good.
Boss, what are cojones?
Yeah.
Nuts.
Tea bags?
Oh, she's English.
That don't match here.
Nads.
Nothing.
She's got balls,
you idiots!
Oh!
Okay, yeah.
Now I get it.
[chuckles] So you're
telling me,
the number one assassin in the whole
wide world, The Cat,
is a dude?
Moron! Don't you know
what a metaphor is?
Yeah, of course.
[chuckles]
Sort of a man trapped in a woman's body?
No.
It's when a chick's got a dink.
No, that's-- you're an idiot.
No, it's not.
Will you two pea brains knock it off?
Boss, is this metaphor
thing contagious?
Never mind,
you idiots.
This could be serious.
Ah, the book.
Ah, here it is.
Chapter 9,
Subsection 4.
"Under no circumstance
may an assassin,
"engage an apprentice for
a contracted hit,
"without the express written permission,
of the contractor of said hit."
Right. You know,
when they mention the contractor,
they're talking about you.
Don't you think I know
that, Einstein!
There are reasons for rules,
and the rules should not be broken.
This is not good.
No.
I'll have to send someone to make sure
that things go according to planned.
I want Wong wacked!
Oh, you know,
we would love to do it,
but, I get a bit of migraines when
I travel by air, boss.
It's bad. He does.
And you know what?
I got a couple of sick days coming.
Where the hell did I find you two?!
You're turning a couple
of different shades of hue
you should calm down, you're blood
pressure is going.
I've got the solution.
Since you two tough guys
just finished telling me
how you
"Faced death" and stared
down The Cat,
you can have the job.
You won't get a migraine driving.
And you, can consider this
trip to Niagara Falls
your sick days, huh?
Capische? Huh?
Boss, I don't think it's a good idea
Enough talk!
I've spoken.
And unless you two want
something broken,
No, no, no. We get it, boss.
We get it, we get it.
Swan and I'll follow 'em to Niagara Falls
and make sure Wong is wacked
good and proper.
Yes.
So I guess we'll just--
Whew. That's disgusting!
Sorry.
You two keep a low profile.
Remember Louie Rimoli was wacked
right under the nose
of the Witness Protection Program.
The Feds are gonna have their
brightest and their best
all over The Cat's scent.
Yes, Godfather.
Sir.
You freaking imbeciles.
I can see the headlines now.
Louie the Lip,
executed in broad daylight
under the Witness Protection Program.
You know what kind of putzes
we're gonna look like?
What's a putz?
You're a putz, moron.
I think it's redundant, sir.
Aren't they mutually exclusive?
Enough!
Enough.
Let's go over the facts.
Okay. At least we have a lead
on the killer now,
we can start to turn around
this bad publicity.
It's killers, sir.
What?
Killers.
Plural, sir.
It's true, sir.
Louie the Lip was indeed taken
out by the infamous Cat,
but it gets worse.
Now, not only does she have a new MO
but she has a new partner as well.
Well, I think The Cat's
made her first mistake.
I won't be long until
the kitten leaves the roost.
Because you can't have
two cats in the same nest.
You mean litter, sir.
We're not after a litterbug, you idiot.
Not garbage litter, we're
talking about cat litter.
Are you two geniuses mocking me?
Because I'm getting a very bad vibe here.
Now, maybe we're not on
the same page.
Maybe I should put you
back on foot patrol,
because you seem kind of
fixated on garbage.
Well, there, there is something else, sir.
Yeah, well?
Cat and her new partner
went to Niagara Falls
to do another hit.
Damn! We gotta stay
on top of this.
Should we go after them?
No. I want you to stay here and bust
people for littering.
Of course I want you two
knuckleheads to go!
You think I'll let them flatfoot
from Niagara Falls steal our lightening?
Thunder, sir.
First you mock me about litter,
now about lightening?
I should have you two shot.
If you had us shot, it would be
very difficult for us to--
It's a figment of speech! You moron!
I'm not gonna shoot you.
Figure of speech, sir.
Get out!
Now! Just get The Cat
and if you fail I suggest you
stay in Niagara Falls.
Do you understand?
[giggles] I can't believe
we bought this car!
I can't either.
Oh! Niagara Falls,
here we come!
Yeah!
Where is it?
I don't know.
Oh, we'll find it.
It can't be too far.
I don't even see them, are we on
the right road?
(Leo) There's only
one road, they've
(Swan) Alright.
Did you ever have a dream, Leo?
Yeah, it involves you, cement socks
and a fishing trip.
What?
Well, I have a dream.
Long time ago, when I clutched my
first protection money,
it was a nickle, for
not thumping on a kid.
[chuckles] You know how
old I was?
No, 7.
No, just 7.
Oh.
Yeah, I was a skinny
little thug back then.
I had a big dream. I wanted
to be a Don someday.
A Don?
Yeah. A Don.
A Don's got it all. Respect, women,
power, money.
But your last name's Keith.
So?
So you'd be Don Keith
Sounds like a donkey
with a lisp or something.
A friggen what?
Your enemies would be shaking
in their boots.
Here comes Don Keith.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
You'd be laughed outta town!
Forget I mentioned it.
No, that's classic.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Alright! Shut up!
(Swan) You're distracting me,
they're gonna see us.
(Dawn) I gotta pee again.
(Dee) Me too.
(Gardiner) Keep up and don't
let them see us.
(Campbell) Alright, Jeez.
(Dawn) Hey, are we being followed?
(Dee) No.
(Dawn) Okay.
(Leo) What do you think
they'd do
(Swan) Chop our heads off
and leave us in the desert.
Why the desert?
I saw it on CSI.
Oh, I love that show.
Yeah.
Did you see the one where they put
a victim in dog food?
What?
It's the best one.
I'd put you in dog food.
What?
Aw, never mind.
Never mind.
Do you think they know
where they're goin'?
Probably making sure they're not followed.
Pure genius.
(Dawn) Have you been
to Niagara Falls?
No, I saw a movie with Marylin
Monroe called Niagara.
(Campbell) You'd better pull
over at the next stop.
Why?
Because I gotta take a leak.
Come on, I just pulled over two
hours ago.
Yeah, two hours ago, when
I had a large coffee.
Well, I'm not stopping.
What am I supposed to do?
Hold it. What do you think?
Hold it? Yeah,
I understand "hold it"
but I think my bladder
might have another idea.
Ugh, you know, easy with the
bumps. Okay?
You're an adult,
control your bladder.
It's mind over matter.
Well it ain't working.
Okay? It's not working.
Hey, Gardenia, why don't you try
controlling my bladder?
Huh? Excuse me?
Yeah, why don't you try
controlling my bladder?
Yes, have a nice, long conversation
with my full bladder.
You know, you could reason with it
and you can lay some guilt trips on it.
Hey, Gardenia!
Aren't you the Sigmund
Freud of bladders?
So that you would know, you know,
how I was feeling
so, like, if I were
dreaming about waterfalls,
and I'm feeling like I'm about to explode
or something like that,
Alright! Alright!
I'll pull over at the next stop.
Thank you.
Just promise me you won't use
that creepy voice.
The bladder voice?
Yes! Yes!
It scares me.
(Dawn) I'm so glad we met.
(Dee) Me too.
I'm so glad we have a job.
(Swan) Now we're--
we're more genius.
(Leo) Yeah, you're
no genius.
(Swan) [mocks] Just because
you took the test doesn't
(Leo) I missed by
one freaking
What frequency is a sperm whale's mating
call measured at? I mean, who knows that?
(Swan) 47 megahertz,
come on!
(Leo) That was lucky.
(Swan) So I'm a genius.
(Leo) No, you're not
a genius, I'm an
(Swan) Whatever. Okay, Leo.
Just don 't lose 'em,
(Leo) I'm not gonna lose
em! Wait a minute,
(Dee) I think we're
getting close.
(Dawn) You think you're
ready for Wong?
(Dee) How can I
not be when it
(Dawn) We're here!
(Dee) Oh, I can't wait
to get in there.
(Dawn) Hm.
(Dawn) Wait a second.
(Dawn) This looks familiar.
(Dee) What?
(Dee) Maybe we should
ask for some help.
(Dee) Oh! Oh!
(Dee) Oh! Good,
here we are.
(Dawn) Let's go.
Hi there.
Hi.
Are you ladies staying here?
Yeah, we're not checked in though.
No problem,
I'll have your bags,
and may I ask you what
is on your back?
Oh, that's Virgil.
He's a turtle.
[chuckles] Isn't he cute?
I'm sorry we actually have a,
uh, very strict no pet policy here.
Um.
What?
It's a back pack.
Yeah, it's fake.
He's a turtle backpack.
Okay! Right this way.
Thank you.
I'll take these.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Hi.
We'd like to get two rooms with one bed.
No, wait. One room and two beds.
That's right.
A suite.
It's called a suite, right?
Well, we're pretty booked up.
Let's check the computer.
Aw.
That was two beds?
Oh, I'm sorry,
it seems we're out of suites.
(Dawn) We can just take
whatever you have
How about a penthouse?
There you go.
Enjoy your stay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Right this way, ladies.
Excusie.
Here we are, ladies.
If there's anything else that
I can do for you.
Please don't hesitate to ask.
Actually, there's something you could
do for us.
Work on your manners.
No, that's not a good feeling.
Are you okay?
Uh, yeah,
I'm just um,
trying
Wow.
I wonder who's staying there.
Wow. Probably the Shrink of Araby.
Yeah, a Shrek.
Shrek.
(Dee) Wow!
(Dawn) Wow. Look!
They have trees
(Dee) Oh my God!
(Dawn) I'm so excited!
Cool! Look at our room!
(Dee) Oh! There's a pool
in the bedroom!
(Dawn) Oh, look at the fireplace.
Wow, oh, my God!
Wow.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, that's our suitcase.
Oh my God, this must be our room.
Oh my God!
I'm so excited!
Wait. This is going to be so expensive.
No. Remember they couldn't find us a suite
so they gave us this.
Oh.
Oh, I gotta feed Virgil.
He must be starving.
Poor little boy.
Oh.
No pesticides.
Dee, come look at this!
Come look at this.
What? Oh my God!
Oh my God! We're here!
(both) We're here!
We're here!
Whoopie!
[giggles] We're here!
(both) We're here!
Oh, I can see the sky!
I can see the Big Dipper!
I can too!
Let's get you ready, girlie.
Only one way to accent the tushy.
Okay. Oh,
what are they?
Guess.
Uh, okay.
Miss Sixty.
No, Guess.
Oh, I like this.
Okay. Um,
Frankie B.
They're Guess.
Miss Sixty.
[chuckles] These are Guess.
Okay, okay, just give me a minute.
Forget it. Hey,
check these babies out.
For your legs,
highest heels.
Oh, highest heels.
There are high, higher and highest heels.
Try 'em on.
Huh? They're cute.
I, uh, I didn't know you guys
would be in here.
Uh, uh, the sandwiches
are on the cart.
and, uh, I, uh,
the door was
Oh.
I think this still fits you.
Yeah, let me try.
Arms up.
Okay.
I can do it.
I love this clean air.
So pure, untouched.
Do you know where we look first?
I won't have to.
She'll come to me.
We locate Mr. Wong and we wait.
When the hit goes down we
kill my impostor
and we carry out the job ourselves.
Two dead, a lesson taught, The Cat,
or I should say Kit?
is back on top.
You go get us a room
while I make my presence
a little less known.
Why's everybody staring?
It's a good thing, right?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll go find Wong, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Excuse me, Miss.
I could use some lady luck.
Would you mind throwing
the dice for me?
Oh, sure.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Excuse me.
Hey, where's the information booth?
It's, uh, right over there, Ma'am.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Yes? Can I help you?
Oh, I hope so.
I'm trying to find Hang
Wong. I think he's French.
Brilliant. I would've thought Italian.
Maybe.
Have you heard of him?
[gasps] Hotel and casino.
They're doing a Dancalicious here.
That's Dee's favorite show. I must
tell her, I'm so excited.
You're here to audition
for Mr. Wong?
Oh, no, we're here to take him out.
That'll be a date he'll never forget.
I'm sure.
You can find him at the casino restaurant.
It's called the Tramonto.
He's always there before the show starts.
The Tramonto.
Starts with a T.
I'll find it.
That's right.
Thanks so much.
Yeah? Sorry.
Dee.
Oh! Hi.
I found Wong.
He's at a restaurant
in the hotel.
That was easy.
[chuckles] He owns the hotel.
Oh my God.
We need the money. No
gambling, no drinking.
Okay, okay.
Drinking's okay.
No gambling.
I don't know how to gamble.
We'll keep a low profile.
We're here for one thing only,
to take out Wong.
I'll be at Tramonto.
In his restaurant.
There's a big sign that says Tramonto
and it's the restaurant underneath it.
Okay, got it.
Have fun.
Okay.
Oh!
(crowd) Oh!
Money plays?
What?
Money plays, Ma'am.
Will you let the money play?
Uh, I don't care.
No more bets.
Thirteen black. We have a winner.
Paying out 10,000.
Would you like to let it ride, Ma'am?
What?
Would you like to let the money ride?
Let the money ride?
Um.
(crowd) Let it ride!
Sure.
All right,
place your bets.
Tra, Tra, uh,
Tram, Tramonto.
Tramonto.
Hello.
Hello. Hm.
Are you sure that's her?
Without a doubt.
I heard her partner tell a total stranger
what she was going to do.
Almost bragging.
cold fish.
She just walks in the front door.
Either she's incredibly brave,
or incredibly stupid.
Come on, I want to watch her moves,
and when she strikes, we pounce.
Hello.
Hi, I'm sorry, Miss Dee,
restaurant is closed for an hour.
There's a private party.
Oh, for Mr. Wong?
Are you with Mr. Wong's party?
I plan to be.
One moment.
Please wait here.
Thank you.
Mm.
Mr. Wong's assistant will be
joining us shortly.
Don't say anything about his eye.
Oh. Okay.
What kind of candies are these?
They're good.
Candies?
Those are rocks from the
Japanese rock garden.
I hate sushi. Ugh.
Oh!
What is it?
I don't know.
She hit me with something hard.
We have a new casino record!
This is the most fun I've had with
my clothes on!
What's your bet, Ma'am?
You know, I think I'll just let it ride!
Hello.
Are you introduced to Mr. Wong?
Yes, um, you must be Mr. Wong's pirate.
I mean,
ass-- ociate.
Come with me.
Where are you taking me?
To have a little talk.
How could she know? I can even
think that she saw me.
Do you think they're on to us?
No. Nobody's that good unless
they've the sixth sense of a--
Cat.
The lady's room?
You are not supposed to
be in here.
Neither are you.
What?
Why are you here?
Well, I'm here to see,
um, I mean, I'm looking,
Mr. Wong is busy.
I just saw him sitting at a table,
I saw him with my own two eyes.
Who are you?
My name is Dee.
What's your name?
Wun Eye.
But my friends call me Eye.
Ay, ay, ay.
[chuckles nervously]
Well, I hope you and,
I hope we can be friends.
You and, I.
Well, we can get better acquainted.
Okay. Oh!
Jeez, not that kind of friends.
Gosh, you know, you should treat me
a lot better than that.
Okay, you're clean.
Oh, okay, well.
Once in the morning,
once at night.
Is Mr. Wong expecting you?
No, it gonna be a pleasant surprise.
Look, oh shoot,
I mean, listen,
Mr. Capellini hired me to take
Mr. Wong out.
That's a good one. Alright, you
can call me Eye.
You don't think I'm good enough for him?
Sure. You just have to wait in line.
Oh, so he's quite the lady killer, huh?
Oh, yeah. He's a killer.
[chuckles]
Come on, let's go with
Mr. Wong. He'll like you.
You couldn't have come at a better time.
She's good,
I'll give her that.
Sweet talk your way in and then strike.
Excellent.
Too bad I have to kill her.
I have a friend, she
might be looking for me.
She's a really cute blonde. Could you keep
and eye out for her?
Oops. Sorry. Um,
I forgot my purse in the bathroom.
No. No. Stay here. I'll get it.
Okay. Hey, do you have a breath mint?
I have a little bad breath.
Don't want to meet him like that.
No.
But I have a breath spray.
Oh, that's good,
thanks. Oh!
Stay right here.
Okay.
Okay.
Sure.
Oh!
It's that one-eyed guy.
Let's get some practice.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks, guys.
Wow!
As you are fully aware, I do not
work for Capella.
I work for no one.
Yeah. We know.
Mr. Capella just wanted us
to talk to you
one last time.
One last time?
Yeah.
Is that a threat, Mr. Swan?
I don't know.
Hugo and I don't take
kindly to threats.
Whew.
It's going down.
[whispers] It's breath spray.
[whispers] What?
Breath spray.
It's not a gun?
Ah. Okay. Okay.
Uh.
Holy mackerel, I thought I
lost a contact down there.
I got astigmatism I can't
drive without them.
I know.
So, sorry.
Now he knows it's not polite to interrupt
a woman in the bathroom.
Hm.
No obvious weapons.
She's better than I thought.
My turn?
You'll get your turn.
Hello.
[chokes] Hello.
Do you three know each other?
Nope, never seen her before.
Who is she?
Yeah. These are the guys
that hired me to--
to, uh, just show you a good time.
Sorry.
Oh, so you must be Mr. Wong.
Yes, I am Hang Wong.
Ouch!
Please, sit down and join us.
Now, this method I prefer much more.
Friends in Hong Kong give
each other gifts.
You are learning.
Cheers.
Cheers. I'm glad we're all
here together.
Ah!
So, you are a professional girl?
Oh, yeah, I'm a professional.
What is your,
uh, your specialty?
If you don't mind me asking.
My specialty?
Well, um,
I'm a really good dancer,
[chuckles]
and I wanna dance on Broadway!
Oh! Haya, holy!
[chuckles]
Is that so?
Well maybe you'll be interested in my
play Dancalicious.
Dancalicious?
You produce Dancalicious?
I have my hands involved
in so many operations
as I'm sure Mr.
Swan could attest.
I, uh
My God!
Dancalicious!
You know,
I love that musical.
I know every word and I know every lyric.
There's a six o'clock
show tonight.
Perhaps you could join me.
There is? How are we gonna
get a seat?
I mean, that show must be sold out for
at least two years!
No problem,
we'll just kill two ticket holders.
Where did Eye disappear to?
Well you're right there.
Not me, Eye.
Well, I don't know if it's proper English,
but, um, you're still sitting right there.
[chuckles] Hugo. Find him.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Sit down.
Go.
You just told me to go get him.
No, I said Hugo.
Right.
No, no, no. Sit!
Um, you just told me
to go get him.
No, not "You go", Hugo.
[mouths Hugo] Do you want me to stay
or do you want me to go?
I want you to stay.
Eye! Are you here?
Who are you?
The last pretty face you'll ever see.
[screeching] Meow!
[chokes] Agh!
Not bad.
A little messy.
Anyway, let's go talk strategy.
We have a little time. Would you like
to, uh, ride my yacht?
[chuckles] Is that what
they're calling it now?
You can ride my dinghy.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Oh, I got blood on my stole.
I have a feeling tonight will
be very memorable.
[clears throat] Oh! Sorry.
There you are.
I was wondering who left that.
I think I'm a little
anxious about tonight.
Hot date?
Well, kinda.
Very profitable.
But I think Mr.
Wong is so sweet.
You know you should be careful on dates.
A guy might already belong
to somebody else.
Somebody who might get upset
if they feel their territory
is being invaded.
You think he might have a girlfriend?
Something like that.
Or maybe something worse.
Jeez, everybody's
speaking in widdles tonight.
Well, it's a good thing I'm almost
done with him.
It'll be through soon.
Maybe you're through now.
She's the luckiest bitch that ever lived.
God, I want her now.
Why didn't she kill 'em? She
had 'em right there.
She's toying with 'em, waiting
for the cruelest moment,
She's good,
man, really good.
Yeah, but she seemed so sincere,
so naive, back there.
You don't think maybe we
got the wrong girl?
Nah.
Come on, Kit.
Let's kill the bitch.
Oh, hello.
Hello, shall we?
Sure.
Can we check on my friend
in the casino?
Of course
Shut up.
Whoa.
Blood.
Who's blood?
I don't know.
It's going into the women's bathroom?
Hello?
Hey, you guys?
She's gosh darn Charles Manson.
But she's not after us, right?
The hell with it,
we're out of here.
Out of the bathroom?
No, out of the country!
Well, uh, but we're we gonna go?
I don't know.
Korea or Iraq.
Cuba! Yeah, Castro will take care of us.
Oh, there she is!
Dee, hi!
Oh, hi,
Wong, I'm Dawn.
Hello.
[chuckles] You'll never
believe this.
I won.
Won what?
About five pounds.
A million dollars worth of chips.
My God,
that's great!
I know,
I'm so excited.
That's so cool!
Have fun.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Gosh, I hope she's hungry.
Would she like to join us?
Hello, Mr. Wong.
Meow. Hiss.
Shall we, uh,
visit my yacht?
Oh, sure.
I don't know how we're gonna find
them in this madhouse.
Don't worry,
I've got men staked out
on every hot spot in
the strip.
If they're here,
we'll find 'em.
You're damn right.
Son, have you seen these two blondes?
Yeah, they checked in a
couple of hours ago.
Really?
You sure?
(bell boy) Yeah, I wouldn't
forget them,
um, she assaulted me.
You know,
it's nothing.
I just saw one of them, they're in the
hotel if you need them.
All units report to
me right away.
A suspect has been spotted in the hotel.
I repeat. A blonde has been spotted.
Approach with extreme caution.
Show me where.
Are they dangerous?
This looks like trouble.
[hums] I gotta go
find Dee.
Well, she was just here.
Uh, I think I saw the other blonde
with, uh, Mr. Wong.
Mr. Wong?
Yeah, he owns the hotel.
Yes, I know who he is. Where?
I think I saw him go that way.
All units, we're heading for the
front of the casino.
There goes that job.
God! You're that guy in
the commercial.
My friend loves you!
I knew it.
Hey, you!
Stop! Police!
What? What?!
You're coming with me. Come here.
Dawn really loves him, I gotta
get his autograph.
This way!
Show time.
Oh, excuse me.
[whispers] Oh my God!
It's you.
Yeah.
You're the love of my life.
That's very sweet-- Wait a second.
Dead and Deader.
Yes, I was an extra.
Yeah, I looked for you after my close up.
I couldn't find you.
You did?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
I'm trying to find my friend.
She's in trouble.
Did you see her?
The cops chased her through that door.
She did? Okay.
Is there anything--?
Yeah, can you hold this for me?
Yeah, sure.
there's a million dollars in
there, so be careful.
These shoes are really
uncomfortable to run in.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
[noisy kiss]
I love you.
Thank you.
Yeah. Uh,
what's your name?
Dee! I mean, Dawn.
I'm looking for Dee.
Bye!
An autograph,
please.
Uh, yeah. Right.
Come on. Go.
Oh!
Oh God!
Where does this elevator go?
It only goes down.
We'll take the stairs.
Um, put that in my room.
Ladies, I love you. I love you.
I love you.
(All) No, don't go!
Why are the police after you?
I don't know if they're
the police.
Many people are trying
to kill me.
They can be killers in disguise.
If they're cops, they can
talk to my lawyer.
All units. I'm in pursuit of a blonde
and an unidentified male.
I want all air, land and sea
assets on standby.
Have my helicopter pick me up
at the west parking lot.
Come on.
Everyone! We're in the wharf.
[bangs] Open up!
Get me a helicopter.
Right away!
Go! Go!
(Dee) Oh, Jesus,
Where are
We're taking a little trip.
I didn't pack.
You won't need anything.
We going to Tahiti?
Six feet under.
Australia? I've never been there.
Shut up,
Shut up!
If you talk to me like that I'm not
going anywhere.
You won't have a choice
in the matter.
Is that real?
What?
Is that real?
Yes! With real bullets. Now move!
All right!
Okay. Action. Go.
Rolling?
It's been one year of planning and it
all comes down to this.
Okay, no smiling,
more serious. Okay?
I'm being serious.
I know, but don't smile, eh.
It's been one year of planning
and it all comes down
to this moment.
I plan to sneak over--
Help! Help!
I must find the yacht. My friend's
been kidnapped.
How do I get to that yacht?
The fastest way is probably
right there.
That boat there?
Yeah, we're making web history--
Do you mind?
This is serious.
We're filming Crime of Mr. Wong.
I will sneak over that yacht, I'll climb
aboard and blend in.
Oh, what-- what's she--
Hey, no!
She's kinda hot.
No, wait!
[both yell] Hey! Hey!
[both yell] Hey!
I'm sorry. I have to save my friend.
I'll bring her back, I promise!
Keep it rolling.
Trim down on the motor
or you'll drop the bow.
Come on.
Oh.
It's-- Viagra!
What?
I know what that is.
What?
You think you'll use that
artificial stuff on me,
you might as well shoot me now.
I'm not gonna ride your dinghy.
What?
It's Viagara.
It's my uncle's name.
It's named after him.
I'm not gonna ride your dinghy when
you made a promise to [indistinct]
You shut your mouth, I promise
I won't kill you.
Go, Go. Go.
Call my lawyer.
Where is she going?
Back to the casino, we're
sending a helicopter.
Go! We're heading
down stream to the haven.
Move. Move. Move.
Hey! Dawn! Dee!
I mean, Dawn!
Let me take the wheel.
Keys.
Easy Ma'am.
I just clean 'em.
The keys!
She's all yours.
Untie us.
Bon voyage!
There it is.
That's Wong's boat.
You're crazy.
Take a seat, sweetheart.
It's show time!
Let's move it. Come on,
get the lead out.
There she is. She's got
a goon with her.
That bitch! She thinks she's gonna
waste Wong before I do.
Should I kill her first?
Let me do it.
And you can take your time with Wong.
You've already had your kill today.
I want to do it.
Who the hell are they?
I don't know.
But it looks like they're chasing,
that boat!
This is Agent Gardenia.
I want all available river patrol craft
to intercept Hang Wong's speedboat
called the Viagara.
(Gardenia) We're headed downriver
from River Rock Casino.
Ha, ha. I love this. Like Nam.
Woo-hoo!
What are you gonna do when
we catch them?
I don't know.
Maybe you should tell me what's going on.
I don't know. Some rich guy gave us
a bunch of money
to go to Niagara and
take Mr. Wong out.
What? Take Wong out?
Yeah, just take him out to have
a good time.
Whose following us?
They're shooting at us.
Get down!
What the hell?
Hey, take a position.
Oh! That's my friend Dawn.
Hey, do you know
how to swim?
I was in a hot tub once.
Then maybe you'd better
shut up!
Don't shoot Dawn!
Hey, it's the blonde.
One of them. Wong must be on to them.
He's got the other blonde.
There should be a flare gun.
Intercept the speedboat
with two dark haired women in
it. They're armed.
I got it.
Okay.
Oh my God!
All units. All units.
Gunfire. Gunfire.
They shot my dream guy!
Buzz the one with a weapon.
Come on!
(All) Whoa!
Drop your weapons, ladies.
We have you covered. Give it up, now!
God I hope this works.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
Let's go to Wong's boat.
Can you say something, please?
Patch me into the P.A.
Stop that boat now. Lie it down. Stop.
Don't make us fire on you.
This is Agent Gardenia, Wong.
Give it up. Drop your weapons and
prepare to be boarded.
And with what am I charged?
Oh, where do I start, Wong?
And be warned, that blonde that you're
holding might be the infamous Cat.
Yes, she says she was gonna
take me out.
[sighs] All units.
All units.
Take everybody into custody,
we'll sort it out back at the River
Rock Casino. Out.
I can't wait to see this report.
Let's head back to the casino.
You know, I was just trying to show
you a good time.
I can't remember when
I've had more fun.
I had some fun.
You have fun?
Look at the camera, people.
Alright. Let's go over this.
The two blondes were Kit and Cat.
So we can arrest them.
The dark haired girl
shot the actor.
So we can arrest her.
And Wong kidnapped Cat.
Can we arrest him for that?
I'm not sure.
Let's go over it again.
So--
It's cold.
Dee! Oh my God,
you're okay.
God, you really love me.
Mwah!
Oh, Dee.
This is my dream man.
Ken.
Meet Dee.
I'm Ken.
It's interesting to meet you. Both.
I don't understand. Don't
you know who I am?
You can't arrest me.
I'm Hang Wong.
Did he just say he was
hung wrong?
Yeah, he's Wong.
That's why he's getting arrested.
So, you're a Navy Seal, huh?
Uh, was.
Navy Seal doesn't sound very scary.
Maybe Navy Shark or Navy Lion.
That's a good one.
I'll let them know.
Thanks.
But you're my seal, now.
When you save someone's life,
you're responsible for it.
It sounds good to me.
Dawn tells me you're a
talented dancer.
[tisk] Well, I try.
A couple of our dancers are
unable to make it
for next week's performance.
How would you like to be
in the show?
Oh my God,
are you serious?
Oh my-- I'd love to. Only if Dawn
can be in it too.
I think that can
be arranged.
[both yell and laugh]
Oh, my God! We got a job!
Let's arrest them all.
Alright everybody,
gather round, listen up.
Officers, I want you
to arrest these two women.
This is the infamous Cat and her protge.
Oh yeah, I've been following
you for six years.
They're wanted for a string of murders
all across this country.
No, you idiot! It's me!
You've been waiting
six years to capture me.
I'm the one responsible for killing
over 30 people without a trace.
I'm the criminal mastermind!
I did the Lone Shark with a piano wire.
I snapped Louie Rimoli's neck.
I-- I'm responsible for blowing up the
governor's kitchen
with putting the explosives in
his p't that day.
Me! Me! Not these two idiots.
I want my credit,
and I want it now!
She knows about the piano
wire and the p't.
P't?
Arrest that woman!
Finally,
some respect.
Well,
I guess I'm free to go?
Oh, wrong-o wungy.
You've been charged with kidnapping this
innocent young girl.
Cuff 'em!
What? Wait!
Hey! You can't do this to me.
These girls are innocent.
Free to go, ladies.
[both giggle]
Oh, shoot.
I knew it all along. They were
using them as decoys.
Anybody can see that.
So what do we do now?
Spend a million dollars.
Oh my God!
Dream man.
Mmm.
[sighs] Oh, Virgil.
Why were you taking
flying lessons, anyway?
Well, Dawn,
statistically,
um, flying is safer than
driving, I read it.
For you,
definitely.
Hi, guys.
Hey, you all little chitlands. Hi!
(All kids) Hi.
Welcome to Dee and Dawn's
Famous Turtle Sanctuary.
One day we'll have a lot of these turtles.
We're gonna rescue them,
and they'll be able to run free
and have fun.
Um, this is Virgil.
It's Virgil. Yes.
He's my friend.
And Virgil does a lot of
tricks. Right, Dee?
Right. Yeah.
Kind of. There you go.
Come on, Virgil.
Wow, look at him.
Come on, Virgil.
He likes you guys.
We only have one now, but we're gonna
have a lot pretty soon [chuckles]
Now, turtles can teach us a lot.
We already know how to do that.
Oh.
Oh.
[laughing] You got one, too.
Oh! Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Oh.
Nice outfit. I meant to tell
you back there.
Thanks.
Yours, too.
They think I'm crazy
to get this for flying.
[scoffs] Me too. Shows
what they know.
Yeah. It's all about taste.
[giggles] I'm Dawn.
Dee.
Cool. Dawn-Dee. [chuckles]
That's so cute.
I guess so.
Shall we take this baby up?
Sounds good to me.
So what's next?
Uh. We start the engine and we
take off into the sky.
Okay. They make it
sound so easy.
(Dee) That's how they
explained it to me.
(Dawn) Oh-uh, tell me if I'm doing
something wrong.
Okay. But I'm sure
you'll know first.
I'll just pay close attention.
[giggles] Wow, I feel like I'm
at Driver's Ed again.
Hey, great office supplies!
Oh, thanks.
That's a cute pen.
Alright!
I want to take some notes.
Okay. Alright. So,
seatbelt, check.
Mirrors?
Don't see any.
Um. Blinkers?
Headlights?
I'm just gonna get my book out. Okay.
Um. Alright.
Well, I turn on the master switch,
then the ignition?
Okay.
Push the throttle.
[both laugh and yell]
(Both) We're flying!
Turn! Turn!
[laughs] I did it!
I can't believe it.
Okay. Miss St. Dom
and Miss Dee Twiddle.
We're gonna be flying over
some incredible sce--
Amazing? Incredible scenery.
[gasps heavily] No!
Ladies!
Ladies, stop the plane.
Ladies! Ladies!
Uh! Oh!
Stop the plane!
Alright, here we go!
Up, up and today!
[gasps and heaves] Oh-- Oh, God!
What's wrong, Frank?
Bernie's lost his mind. He took
off without clearance.
Bernie?
That'd be a first.
What the hell is he thinking?
You can ask him yourself.
Oh my God.
They took the plane.
Who took the plane?
Two blondes.
Blondes.
Blondes.
Blondes?
Oh my God.
We're flying!
I can't believe it!
Do you always get this
excited when you fly?
Yeah. Don't you?
Sure.
So when did you start flying?
Well, today's my first lesson.
Really? Me, too.
Oh, that's funny.
Sean Bromley steps up to the tee,
he's an amateur in this
Pro Am Tournament,
and as you might see,
a par here could tie
him for the day.
Oh my God!
We're gonna crash!
Look at that!
What a shot!
Right for the pin.
A hole in one?
Could it be?
That's pretty freaking low.
Do something!
What?
(Both) Turn it off!
We're gonna crash!
Run for your life!
Look out!
Oh,
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the airplane has just made a hole in one.
We're going up to the plane
right now
there are two people inside,
They're okay!
There are two women
who just came out of the plane.
They seem to be okay.
We come in peace.
They're blond.
Is there a lawyer in here?
Uh, I'm a lawyer!
Yeah, me too.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a litigation attorney.
Yeah, right here.
So,
the bastard's living in Vancouver.
Can you believe the nerve?
Took an add out using his real name.
"The Beaver Patch Lounge."
Seems like old Louie hasn't changed a bit.
But the Witness Protection Program don't
know nothing about this.
They will soon enough.
Let me take him out, boss.
It would give me great pleasure.
No.
We need someone to move undetected.
Too many FBI protecting him.
In and out, in the blink of an eye.
The Cat's eye.
The Cat?
Who better to kill a rat?
The perfect assassin.
Still completely unknown even by me.
A mastermind killer with an IQ off the
scale of normal humans.
She's never failed.
Even her victims haven't
seen her. A ghost.
She's not completely unknown
we know she's a woman--
Don't interrupt me! Who's the freaking
Godfather here, huh?
I'm sorry, boss.
Alright.
A ghost,
that never leaves a trace.
Send half the kill money to her contact.
If she nails this one,
we'll let her take out the
infamous Mr. Wong.
Looks like I got another job, Kit.
Woo Hoo,
party time!
The Godfather wants me
to take out Lou Rimoli
at the Beaver Patch Lounge.
I thought you were retiring.
Let me take this one. You
have enough kills.
I have to do this last one, Kit.
A final favor for the Godfather.
Besides, doing Lou Rimoli will
be a pleasure.
I promise,
after this one I'll turn the
claw over to you.
Meow.
I love you.
For driving without a license.
Pay a $100 fine and we don't even have
to show up in court.
Aw, those cops are so sweet.
I know, they were cute, too.
I know.
Look at John Daley.
I mean, please!
Come on, look around.
Check all this out.
All for me.
For my vision.
For my picture.
When I say "Jump" the
studio says "How high"?
Hey!
Oh!
All right! Let's shoot this thing
before the snow melts.
Where's my megaphone guy?
Too slow!
You're fired!
Get me a new megaphone guy.
[sighs] What are
we listening to?
Oh, that's The Sound
of Music.
Oh, cool.
What's the music called?
Move! Hey!
Nobody yells "move" on my set. I'll tell
you when to move.
Move!
Oh!
Are you okay?
[gasps] Those jerks!
Who were those crazy blondes?
Are they trying to get killed?
Didn't they see there
were no crosswalks? Jeez.
God! Stupid Hill Piggies.
They'd better not have scratched my car.
I know.
(Dee) Are you okay?
(Dawn) I think so.
Are you okay?
Uh, I think so, too.
What a day.
Take a left here and then two rights.
Wait, no. I'm sorry.
Take a right here and then two lefts.
Wait. Can you say that again?
U m, I don't think so.
[mouths silently]
(Dee) Hey, are we
going in circles?
(Dawn) [chuckles] No, don't be silly.
Go left. Okay,
turn left and just
Here we go!
Wait, sharp right.
Woo! I'm dizzy!
(Dawn) [chuckles] Beep! We're here!
Oh! I'm in this one.
How long have you lived here?
Nine months.
How about you?
Not nearly that long. About a year.
Oh. Hey,
you wanna come see Virgil?
Is he cute?
He's really cute.
Sure!
It's so cold.
Are you a magician?
No, it always does that.
Really?
Can I try?
Sure.
[laughs] I love it! Wow!
[laughs] I got to see him.
Virgil.
Virgil.
Virgil's your dog?
No, Virgil's not a dog.
Oh, there he is. [sings]
Virgil's a turtle.
(Dawn) Oh, Virgil.
(Dee) It'll take 'em over
a minute to get here.
He's the one to win the
race, right Virgil?
Oh, Virgil. I don't think you're
gonna win many races.
[chuckles] Well, just a
figure of speech.
(Dee) Baby, come
to mama.
Come here, baby.
He likes to kiss me.
He's so cute. Virgil.
Are we?
Go back under there.
There you go. Don't toot.
[farts]
What was that?
He has a little gas problem.
Oh, okay.
I got him from a turtle orphanage.
Really?
They have them?
Not enough.
That's my dream.
I want to have my own
turtle orphanage.
And I want to dance in a Broadway play.
That's nice.
[chuckles] What's your dream?
My dream is to marry the
man of my dreams.
Who is he?
I'll show you.
Wait 'till you see him.
(Dee) Oh, that's
what that's for.
Yeah. DVDs.
At Superfly, our destinations are
your dream vacations.
So come fly high with us.
(Dawn) Isn't he dreamy?
(Dee) Yeah, he's cute.
Can you help me land him?
Of course you can land him.
Really?
I mean, you have beauty and looks.
You can't lose.
Oh, thank you.
So, where are you dancing? I'd love to
come see you some time.
Oh, well, I'm kinda
between jobs right now.
Oh, me too.
Yeah, I got fired for typos.
[gasps] What are typos?
I have no idea.
I was working at a talent agency,
you know, a receptionist and
secretarial stuff,
and I have to admit, I'm not
much of a typist.
Ah! Sh.
I love White-O.
Mr. Lean, there's something
wrong with the computer.
[sighs] What, what, what?
[sucks air in sharply
and sighs]
Oh, my--
Get out! Now!
Well,
I've been working on a little
Busby Berkeley, Gene Kelley number.
Oh, here. Sorry about that.
Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Oh! Oh!
(Dawn) [laughs]
(Dee) [sings]
Ta-ra-ta.
Oh!
[sings] Ta-ta-ra-ra.
Like this. Like that.
(Dee) Whew!
I always do that. And then,
it's a big fat, oh!
(Dee) Jeez. And then
it's a big Ta-ra!
(Dee) Oh! Ow!
Wow!
Ow!
Oh!
That's it.
That's so good!
Wow! My God, you're a
really good dancer.
You came up with all those
moves yourself?
Uh-huh. Well,
I had inspirations.
You're really good.
Thank you. Want to give it a try?
Give it a try.
Oh, God, no. That's a hard act to
follow, I couldn't do that.
You can, I will talk you through it.
Okay? Yeah, do it.
Okay.
I'll start the music again.
Okay. Hey.
(Dawn) Start with
the kicks.
Oh, shit. Well, sorry.
Just, just, um.
Okay. And a one,
and a two and a three.
Flashdance! Flashdance!
And perfect, oh!
Now one, two,
kick, kick those legs!
Kick it!
Oh my God.
Look at you.
You're so good.
Big finish!
Big finish!
Big finish?
Okay, big finish.
Big finish!
[whispers] Jazz hands.
[whispers] Jazz hands.
[whispers and chuckles]
That's so good.
You are a natural.
"Natural", my ass.
I didn't train in 8 years for that.
A lot of good it did me.
Because, how many jobs really ask you
to do the splits? Zippo.
Were you a dancer?
Gymnast. I tried out for the
National Park Olympics,
I placed 90th.
[gasps] What happened?
Discovered boys.
It was a lot more fun.
Because the guys really do
dig my backbends,
so maybe it wasn't a total waste.
A waste? With your talent, honey, you're
gonna make us stars!
Oh my God.
At last!
(Dee) The first
thing we do is
We do that by getting your first gig.
[gasps] Oh, look at this!
"Looking for dancers
at the Beaver Patch Lounge"
That sounds like a nice family show.
Yeah, with animals.
Like Doctor Doolittle.
Yeah.
You're going for this audition
and you'll get it.
With me,
you can't lose.
You think?
You know what they say, "Great minds do."
That's right.
I'm so excited.
"Beaver Patch Lounge" that sounds
like a great place to work.
Alright.
While transporting an alleged perpetrator
in the car,
someone passed some very nasty gas.
And you denied being the guilty party
and blamed the suspect,
Agent Campbell,
was it not in fact you,
who cut the cheese?
No.
Ha!
Damn!
This machine is good.
Alright, alright. It-- it's my turn now.
It's my turn. Okay.
Last fall, someone stole a donut,
off of my desk.
They took a bite,
and they put it back.
Was that in fact you,
Agent Gardenia?
No.
He, he.
Aw.
Okay, thi-- this machine
has got to be wacko.
Let's do one more round,
I'll give you, uh, uh,
five to one odds on this.
Hey.
I got a new job for you guys.
What's up,
boss?
Rimoli blew his cover
as protected witness.
He's running a joint called "The
Beaver Patch Lounge."
Until I can convince him to take on a new
identity and relocate,
I want you two to shadow him. Make
sure nobody wacks him.
Leave it to us, boss. No one will get
near him with us watching.
For the past several months
somebody's been writing unflattering
things about me
in the bathroom stalls.
Really?
Now, would that be you?
Or you?
Me? No. I-- I-- can assure you, sir,
that we-- we would never do such a thing.
We're professionals.
That's out of character.
I can assure you we would
never do such a thing.
These machines, look,
they're so unreliable
that-- that we're calibrating.
Just get out of my sight
before I hook up your family
jewels to those things.
[light chatter]
Damn. I don't believe it.
That's a very tasty act you
got there, my dear.
Thank you.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm in an audition.
What am I doing?
Have you seen this ad?
Is the audition over?
No. Stay upside down.
You interrupt my fun to show me my ad?
You wrote this in the paper? You
used your real name.
No shit. The name Louie Rimoli
used to mean something in some places.
In powerful organizations
it means "Kill with extreme prejudice."
That was a long time ago.
They've probably forgotten.
Yeah, yeah.
Louie,
Louie, these people don't forget.
Oh, okay.
You're hired.
Send in the next girl.
So I can finish my lunch.
You know I didn't join the Agency
to protect the scum of the earth.
Reformed scum of the earth.
That's what the Witness Protection
Program is all about.
Look over there.
Tell me what's reformed.
We're here to protect Louie Rimoli.
Can't judge a book by it's cover,
Agent Campbell.
This book should have been judged
a long time ago.
My mother was right.
I should have been a bible salesman.
What?
Bibles.
No way.
Way.
Well, whatever floats
your boat, I guess.
I thought you were a Buddhist.
What are we doing here, Swan? We can get
in big shit for this.
This is The Cat's job.
Don't worry, Leo, You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.
We won't interfere, you know.
Just wanna put a face to the
reputation. That's all.
Nobody knows what she looks like.
Ah, that's why we're here. Okay?
Now, keep your eyes peeled.
One of these women coming
in or going out
is the infamous Cat.
You're next, doll face.
Hi.
Hi.
We're here for the audition.
Aren't we all.
It amazes me the lengths people go
to to get these auditions.
I know.
I like your shorts.
Are those real nylon?
Oh, excuse me,
do you guys know what the show's about?
About?
Yeah.
Yeah. The plot. The driving
force if you will.
Oh! Oh,
the driving force?
Yeah, it's about producing
erections.
Oh.
It's a musical about architecture.
That's unusual, right?
No, not really.
Producing. Cool!
Mmm.
(Louie) So, uh, what've
you got for me?
Surprise of a lifetime.
Uh-huh?
It's nice.
You got another surprise for me?
You like this?
Oh!
Ah! Just give uncle Louie a taste
maybe, huh?
You know what? Time is money.
Come with me.
Come on, show me what you got.
There's an idea.
The Godfather says goodbye.
Can I help you girls
Mr. Ravioli?
Uh, no, he's inside.
I'm Manny,
the Talent Manager.
What's your act?
We're a new team.
Together?
Yeah.
Well that I would like to see.
We're excited about producing
your erections.
[whispers] Good one.
Are you gonna watch us, too?
It's tempting.
Tempting,
but, uh, Louie prefers to do his
business one on one,
but I'm sure he wouldn't object to
a two on one, if you know what I mean.
Ha.
Hi, Mr. Ravioli. I'm Dee and this
is my partner Dawn.
We're here to audition
for your show.
No, no! Don't say a word.
Don't say anything.
Just relax, sit there, have
a drink, smoke your cigar,
and enjoy the show.
Ready Freddie?
You're gonna like this.
You're gonna like this.
I think he's interested.
I'm really good at reading people.
Definitely.
You ready, Dee?
Yeah.
Six, seven, eight,
(both) One, two, three, four.
Six, seven, eight.
Sorry.
Starfish!
(both) Starfish!
Starfish!
Big finish!
Oh, big finish.
Big finish.
(both) Jazz hands!
Mr. Ravioli.
Oh!
You killed him!
I killed him?
You threw a stick at him.
Now he's never gonna give us a job.
Oh my God,
you're right.
Oh, no.
I know we didn't kill'
em. Maybe he's,
maybe he had a heart attack from
watching our crazy moves. It happens.
Give him the hammock remover.
The hammock remover?
Oh!
Um, okay.
Oh, oh! His piece of hair!
Oh my God. oh!
Someone's here.
Hey.
[chuckles] I'll come back later.
Wow, some guys get to
have all the fun.
What are we gonna do?
Just leave him alone there.
[whispers] Let's leave discreetly.
Oh my God!
Oh!
He's on fire!
Oh my God!
Oh!
Oh, no! What have you done?
Oh God!
Hurry up!
Move it!
Oh my God.
Them?
No.
The Cat works alone. Besides,
those outfits are way too flashy.
A good assassin keeps a very low
profile, Leo.
You'd better remember that.
Help! Help! Somebody! Anybody!
There's been a murder!
Murder! Help!
Murder! Help!
Oh, crap!
Then again.
Come here! There's been a murder!
Come on in! Come here!
Somebody help me!
My boss has been murdered!
Louie's been murdered.
I thought you said it
wasn't them.
That's just what she wants
you to think,
expecting to work alone, she brings
somebody along.
instead of blending in,
she stands out.
(driver) She's brilliant!
The Godfather's gonna want this Cat,
or kitties, if you will, to take
out Mr. Wong for sure.
(Manny) I warned him, but
he wouldn't listen.
I should've guessed they'd use The Cat.
So you think this was the
work of The Cat?
Oh yeah,
without a doubt.
They were professionals.
They even invited me in
to watch them do it.
Oh my God, I could've
been killed, too.
Now wait,
you said "they"?
Yeah, there were two of them.
And we got them on the
surveillance tape.
Good. Good.
She's become brazen
and taken on a partner.
[both gasp] Oh! Oh!
All things considered,
I think the audition went really well.
It did.
Didn't it?
It did.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Oh!
Okay, we leave town.
Let's get out of here.
Pack whatever you can,
let's get out of here.
No, we're innocent.
Let's go on a vacation.
We're going to die.
Someone's at the door.
[screams] Oh! Okay.
Oh my God!
Grab something hard.
We're not home right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
Here's the beep."Beep."
Good one.
Hello. Yeah. Oh my God.
It's Warren,
What?
You know how they
killed Louie?
They burned his friggen
head off.
What?
They burned his friggen
head off!
Holy shit.
Hello,
we're friends, ladies, uh, we're
here to offer you a job.
Oh, job. I could really use a job.
So could I.
May we come in?
Sure.
So we were thinking, oh.
We work for Mr. Capella, uh,
there's no need for violence.
Oh!
I'll be the judge of that.
Are you guys agents?
No, no, no,
uh, we work for Mr. Capella,
I swear to God.
I think I've actually
heard of him.
He runs a big firm, right?
Yeah, that's it.
A big firm, probably one of the biggest.
So the rumors are true, you've
taken on a new partner?
Wow, you know,
word travels fast.
I just booked you in today.
I know.
We won't waste any of your time. Let's get
right to our point of view.
We're listening.
There's a guy. He lives in Niagara Falls.
His name is Hang Wong.
We want you to take him out.
Take him out?
I don't even know 'em.
We're willing to pay big bucks.
Say a quarter of a million dollars?
Wait a second.
You're want me to take this guy
out for $25,000?
Just take him out?
Wow. Is that more?
I think so.
Half now and half when
you're finished.
Why me?
Why you?
[chuckles] 'Cause you're the best, you know?
For that kind of money I'll take him out,
take him in or all out.
I know you guys are great,
but it's not that easy
this guy's well protected.
Ah, doting mom. Don't worry,
I know the type.
Well, don't worry. I've taken out
tons and tons of guys. Lots of guys.
I've taken out doctors,
lawyers, actors,
musicians,
and don't even get me started with the
high school boys.
Oh, woo wee!
High school? You were taking out
people in high school?
Oh yeah, only the ones I liked.
Wait, have you ever done any girls?
Once. I just wanted to see
what it felt like.
Me, too.
Really?
Wait, we don't have to do this do we?
Listen, I don't care what you do
to the guy just get the job done, okay?
Well, when is he expecting us?
He's not. But the sooner
the better, okay?
I think it fits into our schedule.
Okay, we'll do it.
Okay, deal. Alright,
here's the, uh,
show of good faith.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Pleasure doing business with you.
It's American.
Woo! Woo!
We're going to Niagara Falls!
Woo!
How'd it go?
Piece of cake.
Couldn't bring yourself to turn
down one last slice, huh?
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on. It's all over the street.
You agreed to take out Mr. Wong
in Niagara Falls.
You told me I'd get the next one.
Wait,
someone hired The Cat
to hit Mr. Wong? Who?
Like you don't know.
The Godfather, for a quarter of a million.
Well, well, well,
someone finally decided to step
on my paws.
Fatal mistake.
Are you saying someone
is pretending to be you?
Someone's about to get scratched. Badly.
I'm coming with you.
Tell you what,
kitten, this time,
you get to do the honors.
I'm in.
Meow.
Have you seen these two women?
Yeah, I remember 'em.
Two dumb blondes,
they came in early this morning.
Amazing.
Their cover's flawless.
Yeah, they bought a red Minicooper from
the lot. Paid cash.
Of course,
no credit card, no paper trail.
Continue.
That's it. They left their car,
said they'd pick it up,
when they returned from
Niagara Falls,
said they were gonna take out a Mr. Wong
or something.
You'll never see them again.
Hey, can I keep their car?
No, I'm sorry,
it's evidence.
They'll probably use it to run over
innocent babies.
Can I get out of the rain now?
Oh, please.
Okay.
Simply brilliant.
They knew we'd have the train station
and airport staked out.
But, we didn't.
Well, we should have.
Smart Mr. Wong.
Looks like they're celebrating another
notch in their kill pole, Campbell.
Run up all available agents.
We're goin to Niagara Falls.
Boss, we need to talk.
So talk.
Uh,
We did like you said. We delivered
the money to The Cat.
And?
She's not working alone anymore, boss,
She's hired on another assassin.
They torched Guido at The
Beaver Patch pretty bad.
Burned his whole head off.
They're bad to the bone, boss.
Yeah, he's right,
if we didn't stand our ground when
delivering the money,
we wouldn't be here now.
They were drooling at the mouth.
They were crazed with blood lust from
the hit on Louie Rimoli.
They were gonna do some fancy high
moves of karate on us,
but we stared them right down their eyes.
You would've been proud of us.
Yeah, we looked death right in the
face and we laughed.
It's right. They knew better than
to mess with us,
finely tuned killing machines.
What?
An apprentice?
Yeah.
But The Cat knows better.
Any self-respecting assassin works alone.
This is not good.
No.
Nope.
She's got some cojones.
You're telling me.
Does she ever.
Yeah, she looks good.
Boss, what are cojones?
Yeah.
Nuts.
Tea bags?
Oh, she's English.
That don't match here.
Nads.
Nothing.
She's got balls,
you idiots!
Oh!
Okay, yeah.
Now I get it.
[chuckles] So you're
telling me,
the number one assassin in the whole
wide world, The Cat,
is a dude?
Moron! Don't you know
what a metaphor is?
Yeah, of course.
[chuckles]
Sort of a man trapped in a woman's body?
No.
It's when a chick's got a dink.
No, that's-- you're an idiot.
No, it's not.
Will you two pea brains knock it off?
Boss, is this metaphor
thing contagious?
Never mind,
you idiots.
This could be serious.
Ah, the book.
Ah, here it is.
Chapter 9,
Subsection 4.
"Under no circumstance
may an assassin,
"engage an apprentice for
a contracted hit,
"without the express written permission,
of the contractor of said hit."
Right. You know,
when they mention the contractor,
they're talking about you.
Don't you think I know
that, Einstein!
There are reasons for rules,
and the rules should not be broken.
This is not good.
No.
I'll have to send someone to make sure
that things go according to planned.
I want Wong wacked!
Oh, you know,
we would love to do it,
but, I get a bit of migraines when
I travel by air, boss.
It's bad. He does.
And you know what?
I got a couple of sick days coming.
Where the hell did I find you two?!
You're turning a couple
of different shades of hue
you should calm down, you're blood
pressure is going.
I've got the solution.
Since you two tough guys
just finished telling me
how you
"Faced death" and stared
down The Cat,
you can have the job.
You won't get a migraine driving.
And you, can consider this
trip to Niagara Falls
your sick days, huh?
Capische? Huh?
Boss, I don't think it's a good idea
Enough talk!
I've spoken.
And unless you two want
something broken,
No, no, no. We get it, boss.
We get it, we get it.
Swan and I'll follow 'em to Niagara Falls
and make sure Wong is wacked
good and proper.
Yes.
So I guess we'll just--
Whew. That's disgusting!
Sorry.
You two keep a low profile.
Remember Louie Rimoli was wacked
right under the nose
of the Witness Protection Program.
The Feds are gonna have their
brightest and their best
all over The Cat's scent.
Yes, Godfather.
Sir.
You freaking imbeciles.
I can see the headlines now.
Louie the Lip,
executed in broad daylight
under the Witness Protection Program.
You know what kind of putzes
we're gonna look like?
What's a putz?
You're a putz, moron.
I think it's redundant, sir.
Aren't they mutually exclusive?
Enough!
Enough.
Let's go over the facts.
Okay. At least we have a lead
on the killer now,
we can start to turn around
this bad publicity.
It's killers, sir.
What?
Killers.
Plural, sir.
It's true, sir.
Louie the Lip was indeed taken
out by the infamous Cat,
but it gets worse.
Now, not only does she have a new MO
but she has a new partner as well.
Well, I think The Cat's
made her first mistake.
I won't be long until
the kitten leaves the roost.
Because you can't have
two cats in the same nest.
You mean litter, sir.
We're not after a litterbug, you idiot.
Not garbage litter, we're
talking about cat litter.
Are you two geniuses mocking me?
Because I'm getting a very bad vibe here.
Now, maybe we're not on
the same page.
Maybe I should put you
back on foot patrol,
because you seem kind of
fixated on garbage.
Well, there, there is something else, sir.
Yeah, well?
Cat and her new partner
went to Niagara Falls
to do another hit.
Damn! We gotta stay
on top of this.
Should we go after them?
No. I want you to stay here and bust
people for littering.
Of course I want you two
knuckleheads to go!
You think I'll let them flatfoot
from Niagara Falls steal our lightening?
Thunder, sir.
First you mock me about litter,
now about lightening?
I should have you two shot.
If you had us shot, it would be
very difficult for us to--
It's a figment of speech! You moron!
I'm not gonna shoot you.
Figure of speech, sir.
Get out!
Now! Just get The Cat
and if you fail I suggest you
stay in Niagara Falls.
Do you understand?
[giggles] I can't believe
we bought this car!
I can't either.
Oh! Niagara Falls,
here we come!
Yeah!
Where is it?
I don't know.
Oh, we'll find it.
It can't be too far.
I don't even see them, are we on
the right road?
(Leo) There's only
one road, they've
(Swan) Alright.
Did you ever have a dream, Leo?
Yeah, it involves you, cement socks
and a fishing trip.
What?
Well, I have a dream.
Long time ago, when I clutched my
first protection money,
it was a nickle, for
not thumping on a kid.
[chuckles] You know how
old I was?
No, 7.
No, just 7.
Oh.
Yeah, I was a skinny
little thug back then.
I had a big dream. I wanted
to be a Don someday.
A Don?
Yeah. A Don.
A Don's got it all. Respect, women,
power, money.
But your last name's Keith.
So?
So you'd be Don Keith
Sounds like a donkey
with a lisp or something.
A friggen what?
Your enemies would be shaking
in their boots.
Here comes Don Keith.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
You'd be laughed outta town!
Forget I mentioned it.
No, that's classic.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Alright! Shut up!
(Swan) You're distracting me,
they're gonna see us.
(Dawn) I gotta pee again.
(Dee) Me too.
(Gardiner) Keep up and don't
let them see us.
(Campbell) Alright, Jeez.
(Dawn) Hey, are we being followed?
(Dee) No.
(Dawn) Okay.
(Leo) What do you think
they'd do
(Swan) Chop our heads off
and leave us in the desert.
Why the desert?
I saw it on CSI.
Oh, I love that show.
Yeah.
Did you see the one where they put
a victim in dog food?
What?
It's the best one.
I'd put you in dog food.
What?
Aw, never mind.
Never mind.
Do you think they know
where they're goin'?
Probably making sure they're not followed.
Pure genius.
(Dawn) Have you been
to Niagara Falls?
No, I saw a movie with Marylin
Monroe called Niagara.
(Campbell) You'd better pull
over at the next stop.
Why?
Because I gotta take a leak.
Come on, I just pulled over two
hours ago.
Yeah, two hours ago, when
I had a large coffee.
Well, I'm not stopping.
What am I supposed to do?
Hold it. What do you think?
Hold it? Yeah,
I understand "hold it"
but I think my bladder
might have another idea.
Ugh, you know, easy with the
bumps. Okay?
You're an adult,
control your bladder.
It's mind over matter.
Well it ain't working.
Okay? It's not working.
Hey, Gardenia, why don't you try
controlling my bladder?
Huh? Excuse me?
Yeah, why don't you try
controlling my bladder?
Yes, have a nice, long conversation
with my full bladder.
You know, you could reason with it
and you can lay some guilt trips on it.
Hey, Gardenia!
Aren't you the Sigmund
Freud of bladders?
So that you would know, you know,
how I was feeling
so, like, if I were
dreaming about waterfalls,
and I'm feeling like I'm about to explode
or something like that,
Alright! Alright!
I'll pull over at the next stop.
Thank you.
Just promise me you won't use
that creepy voice.
The bladder voice?
Yes! Yes!
It scares me.
(Dawn) I'm so glad we met.
(Dee) Me too.
I'm so glad we have a job.
(Swan) Now we're--
we're more genius.
(Leo) Yeah, you're
no genius.
(Swan) [mocks] Just because
you took the test doesn't
(Leo) I missed by
one freaking
What frequency is a sperm whale's mating
call measured at? I mean, who knows that?
(Swan) 47 megahertz,
come on!
(Leo) That was lucky.
(Swan) So I'm a genius.
(Leo) No, you're not
a genius, I'm an
(Swan) Whatever. Okay, Leo.
Just don 't lose 'em,
(Leo) I'm not gonna lose
em! Wait a minute,
(Dee) I think we're
getting close.
(Dawn) You think you're
ready for Wong?
(Dee) How can I
not be when it
(Dawn) We're here!
(Dee) Oh, I can't wait
to get in there.
(Dawn) Hm.
(Dawn) Wait a second.
(Dawn) This looks familiar.
(Dee) What?
(Dee) Maybe we should
ask for some help.
(Dee) Oh! Oh!
(Dee) Oh! Good,
here we are.
(Dawn) Let's go.
Hi there.
Hi.
Are you ladies staying here?
Yeah, we're not checked in though.
No problem,
I'll have your bags,
and may I ask you what
is on your back?
Oh, that's Virgil.
He's a turtle.
[chuckles] Isn't he cute?
I'm sorry we actually have a,
uh, very strict no pet policy here.
Um.
What?
It's a back pack.
Yeah, it's fake.
He's a turtle backpack.
Okay! Right this way.
Thank you.
I'll take these.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Hi.
We'd like to get two rooms with one bed.
No, wait. One room and two beds.
That's right.
A suite.
It's called a suite, right?
Well, we're pretty booked up.
Let's check the computer.
Aw.
That was two beds?
Oh, I'm sorry,
it seems we're out of suites.
(Dawn) We can just take
whatever you have
How about a penthouse?
There you go.
Enjoy your stay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Right this way, ladies.
Excusie.
Here we are, ladies.
If there's anything else that
I can do for you.
Please don't hesitate to ask.
Actually, there's something you could
do for us.
Work on your manners.
No, that's not a good feeling.
Are you okay?
Uh, yeah,
I'm just um,
trying
Wow.
I wonder who's staying there.
Wow. Probably the Shrink of Araby.
Yeah, a Shrek.
Shrek.
(Dee) Wow!
(Dawn) Wow. Look!
They have trees
(Dee) Oh my God!
(Dawn) I'm so excited!
Cool! Look at our room!
(Dee) Oh! There's a pool
in the bedroom!
(Dawn) Oh, look at the fireplace.
Wow, oh, my God!
Wow.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, that's our suitcase.
Oh my God, this must be our room.
Oh my God!
I'm so excited!
Wait. This is going to be so expensive.
No. Remember they couldn't find us a suite
so they gave us this.
Oh.
Oh, I gotta feed Virgil.
He must be starving.
Poor little boy.
Oh.
No pesticides.
Dee, come look at this!
Come look at this.
What? Oh my God!
Oh my God! We're here!
(both) We're here!
We're here!
Whoopie!
[giggles] We're here!
(both) We're here!
Oh, I can see the sky!
I can see the Big Dipper!
I can too!
Let's get you ready, girlie.
Only one way to accent the tushy.
Okay. Oh,
what are they?
Guess.
Uh, okay.
Miss Sixty.
No, Guess.
Oh, I like this.
Okay. Um,
Frankie B.
They're Guess.
Miss Sixty.
[chuckles] These are Guess.
Okay, okay, just give me a minute.
Forget it. Hey,
check these babies out.
For your legs,
highest heels.
Oh, highest heels.
There are high, higher and highest heels.
Try 'em on.
Huh? They're cute.
I, uh, I didn't know you guys
would be in here.
Uh, uh, the sandwiches
are on the cart.
and, uh, I, uh,
the door was
Oh.
I think this still fits you.
Yeah, let me try.
Arms up.
Okay.
I can do it.
I love this clean air.
So pure, untouched.
Do you know where we look first?
I won't have to.
She'll come to me.
We locate Mr. Wong and we wait.
When the hit goes down we
kill my impostor
and we carry out the job ourselves.
Two dead, a lesson taught, The Cat,
or I should say Kit?
is back on top.
You go get us a room
while I make my presence
a little less known.
Why's everybody staring?
It's a good thing, right?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll go find Wong, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Excuse me, Miss.
I could use some lady luck.
Would you mind throwing
the dice for me?
Oh, sure.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Excuse me.
Hey, where's the information booth?
It's, uh, right over there, Ma'am.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Yes? Can I help you?
Oh, I hope so.
I'm trying to find Hang
Wong. I think he's French.
Brilliant. I would've thought Italian.
Maybe.
Have you heard of him?
[gasps] Hotel and casino.
They're doing a Dancalicious here.
That's Dee's favorite show. I must
tell her, I'm so excited.
You're here to audition
for Mr. Wong?
Oh, no, we're here to take him out.
That'll be a date he'll never forget.
I'm sure.
You can find him at the casino restaurant.
It's called the Tramonto.
He's always there before the show starts.
The Tramonto.
Starts with a T.
I'll find it.
That's right.
Thanks so much.
Yeah? Sorry.
Dee.
Oh! Hi.
I found Wong.
He's at a restaurant
in the hotel.
That was easy.
[chuckles] He owns the hotel.
Oh my God.
We need the money. No
gambling, no drinking.
Okay, okay.
Drinking's okay.
No gambling.
I don't know how to gamble.
We'll keep a low profile.
We're here for one thing only,
to take out Wong.
I'll be at Tramonto.
In his restaurant.
There's a big sign that says Tramonto
and it's the restaurant underneath it.
Okay, got it.
Have fun.
Okay.
Oh!
(crowd) Oh!
Money plays?
What?
Money plays, Ma'am.
Will you let the money play?
Uh, I don't care.
No more bets.
Thirteen black. We have a winner.
Paying out 10,000.
Would you like to let it ride, Ma'am?
What?
Would you like to let the money ride?
Let the money ride?
Um.
(crowd) Let it ride!
Sure.
All right,
place your bets.
Tra, Tra, uh,
Tram, Tramonto.
Tramonto.
Hello.
Hello. Hm.
Are you sure that's her?
Without a doubt.
I heard her partner tell a total stranger
what she was going to do.
Almost bragging.
cold fish.
She just walks in the front door.
Either she's incredibly brave,
or incredibly stupid.
Come on, I want to watch her moves,
and when she strikes, we pounce.
Hello.
Hi, I'm sorry, Miss Dee,
restaurant is closed for an hour.
There's a private party.
Oh, for Mr. Wong?
Are you with Mr. Wong's party?
I plan to be.
One moment.
Please wait here.
Thank you.
Mm.
Mr. Wong's assistant will be
joining us shortly.
Don't say anything about his eye.
Oh. Okay.
What kind of candies are these?
They're good.
Candies?
Those are rocks from the
Japanese rock garden.
I hate sushi. Ugh.
Oh!
What is it?
I don't know.
She hit me with something hard.
We have a new casino record!
This is the most fun I've had with
my clothes on!
What's your bet, Ma'am?
You know, I think I'll just let it ride!
Hello.
Are you introduced to Mr. Wong?
Yes, um, you must be Mr. Wong's pirate.
I mean,
ass-- ociate.
Come with me.
Where are you taking me?
To have a little talk.
How could she know? I can even
think that she saw me.
Do you think they're on to us?
No. Nobody's that good unless
they've the sixth sense of a--
Cat.
The lady's room?
You are not supposed to
be in here.
Neither are you.
What?
Why are you here?
Well, I'm here to see,
um, I mean, I'm looking,
Mr. Wong is busy.
I just saw him sitting at a table,
I saw him with my own two eyes.
Who are you?
My name is Dee.
What's your name?
Wun Eye.
But my friends call me Eye.
Ay, ay, ay.
[chuckles nervously]
Well, I hope you and,
I hope we can be friends.
You and, I.
Well, we can get better acquainted.
Okay. Oh!
Jeez, not that kind of friends.
Gosh, you know, you should treat me
a lot better than that.
Okay, you're clean.
Oh, okay, well.
Once in the morning,
once at night.
Is Mr. Wong expecting you?
No, it gonna be a pleasant surprise.
Look, oh shoot,
I mean, listen,
Mr. Capellini hired me to take
Mr. Wong out.
That's a good one. Alright, you
can call me Eye.
You don't think I'm good enough for him?
Sure. You just have to wait in line.
Oh, so he's quite the lady killer, huh?
Oh, yeah. He's a killer.
[chuckles]
Come on, let's go with
Mr. Wong. He'll like you.
You couldn't have come at a better time.
She's good,
I'll give her that.
Sweet talk your way in and then strike.
Excellent.
Too bad I have to kill her.
I have a friend, she
might be looking for me.
She's a really cute blonde. Could you keep
and eye out for her?
Oops. Sorry. Um,
I forgot my purse in the bathroom.
No. No. Stay here. I'll get it.
Okay. Hey, do you have a breath mint?
I have a little bad breath.
Don't want to meet him like that.
No.
But I have a breath spray.
Oh, that's good,
thanks. Oh!
Stay right here.
Okay.
Okay.
Sure.
Oh!
It's that one-eyed guy.
Let's get some practice.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks, guys.
Wow!
As you are fully aware, I do not
work for Capella.
I work for no one.
Yeah. We know.
Mr. Capella just wanted us
to talk to you
one last time.
One last time?
Yeah.
Is that a threat, Mr. Swan?
I don't know.
Hugo and I don't take
kindly to threats.
Whew.
It's going down.
[whispers] It's breath spray.
[whispers] What?
Breath spray.
It's not a gun?
Ah. Okay. Okay.
Uh.
Holy mackerel, I thought I
lost a contact down there.
I got astigmatism I can't
drive without them.
I know.
So, sorry.
Now he knows it's not polite to interrupt
a woman in the bathroom.
Hm.
No obvious weapons.
She's better than I thought.
My turn?
You'll get your turn.
Hello.
[chokes] Hello.
Do you three know each other?
Nope, never seen her before.
Who is she?
Yeah. These are the guys
that hired me to--
to, uh, just show you a good time.
Sorry.
Oh, so you must be Mr. Wong.
Yes, I am Hang Wong.
Ouch!
Please, sit down and join us.
Now, this method I prefer much more.
Friends in Hong Kong give
each other gifts.
You are learning.
Cheers.
Cheers. I'm glad we're all
here together.
Ah!
So, you are a professional girl?
Oh, yeah, I'm a professional.
What is your,
uh, your specialty?
If you don't mind me asking.
My specialty?
Well, um,
I'm a really good dancer,
[chuckles]
and I wanna dance on Broadway!
Oh! Haya, holy!
[chuckles]
Is that so?
Well maybe you'll be interested in my
play Dancalicious.
Dancalicious?
You produce Dancalicious?
I have my hands involved
in so many operations
as I'm sure Mr.
Swan could attest.
I, uh
My God!
Dancalicious!
You know,
I love that musical.
I know every word and I know every lyric.
There's a six o'clock
show tonight.
Perhaps you could join me.
There is? How are we gonna
get a seat?
I mean, that show must be sold out for
at least two years!
No problem,
we'll just kill two ticket holders.
Where did Eye disappear to?
Well you're right there.
Not me, Eye.
Well, I don't know if it's proper English,
but, um, you're still sitting right there.
[chuckles] Hugo. Find him.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Sit down.
Go.
You just told me to go get him.
No, I said Hugo.
Right.
No, no, no. Sit!
Um, you just told me
to go get him.
No, not "You go", Hugo.
[mouths Hugo] Do you want me to stay
or do you want me to go?
I want you to stay.
Eye! Are you here?
Who are you?
The last pretty face you'll ever see.
[screeching] Meow!
[chokes] Agh!
Not bad.
A little messy.
Anyway, let's go talk strategy.
We have a little time. Would you like
to, uh, ride my yacht?
[chuckles] Is that what
they're calling it now?
You can ride my dinghy.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Oh, I got blood on my stole.
I have a feeling tonight will
be very memorable.
[clears throat] Oh! Sorry.
There you are.
I was wondering who left that.
I think I'm a little
anxious about tonight.
Hot date?
Well, kinda.
Very profitable.
But I think Mr.
Wong is so sweet.
You know you should be careful on dates.
A guy might already belong
to somebody else.
Somebody who might get upset
if they feel their territory
is being invaded.
You think he might have a girlfriend?
Something like that.
Or maybe something worse.
Jeez, everybody's
speaking in widdles tonight.
Well, it's a good thing I'm almost
done with him.
It'll be through soon.
Maybe you're through now.
She's the luckiest bitch that ever lived.
God, I want her now.
Why didn't she kill 'em? She
had 'em right there.
She's toying with 'em, waiting
for the cruelest moment,
She's good,
man, really good.
Yeah, but she seemed so sincere,
so naive, back there.
You don't think maybe we
got the wrong girl?
Nah.
Come on, Kit.
Let's kill the bitch.
Oh, hello.
Hello, shall we?
Sure.
Can we check on my friend
in the casino?
Of course
Shut up.
Whoa.
Blood.
Who's blood?
I don't know.
It's going into the women's bathroom?
Hello?
Hey, you guys?
She's gosh darn Charles Manson.
But she's not after us, right?
The hell with it,
we're out of here.
Out of the bathroom?
No, out of the country!
Well, uh, but we're we gonna go?
I don't know.
Korea or Iraq.
Cuba! Yeah, Castro will take care of us.
Oh, there she is!
Dee, hi!
Oh, hi,
Wong, I'm Dawn.
Hello.
[chuckles] You'll never
believe this.
I won.
Won what?
About five pounds.
A million dollars worth of chips.
My God,
that's great!
I know,
I'm so excited.
That's so cool!
Have fun.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Gosh, I hope she's hungry.
Would she like to join us?
Hello, Mr. Wong.
Meow. Hiss.
Shall we, uh,
visit my yacht?
Oh, sure.
I don't know how we're gonna find
them in this madhouse.
Don't worry,
I've got men staked out
on every hot spot in
the strip.
If they're here,
we'll find 'em.
You're damn right.
Son, have you seen these two blondes?
Yeah, they checked in a
couple of hours ago.
Really?
You sure?
(bell boy) Yeah, I wouldn't
forget them,
um, she assaulted me.
You know,
it's nothing.
I just saw one of them, they're in the
hotel if you need them.
All units report to
me right away.
A suspect has been spotted in the hotel.
I repeat. A blonde has been spotted.
Approach with extreme caution.
Show me where.
Are they dangerous?
This looks like trouble.
[hums] I gotta go
find Dee.
Well, she was just here.
Uh, I think I saw the other blonde
with, uh, Mr. Wong.
Mr. Wong?
Yeah, he owns the hotel.
Yes, I know who he is. Where?
I think I saw him go that way.
All units, we're heading for the
front of the casino.
There goes that job.
God! You're that guy in
the commercial.
My friend loves you!
I knew it.
Hey, you!
Stop! Police!
What? What?!
You're coming with me. Come here.
Dawn really loves him, I gotta
get his autograph.
This way!
Show time.
Oh, excuse me.
[whispers] Oh my God!
It's you.
Yeah.
You're the love of my life.
That's very sweet-- Wait a second.
Dead and Deader.
Yes, I was an extra.
Yeah, I looked for you after my close up.
I couldn't find you.
You did?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
I'm trying to find my friend.
She's in trouble.
Did you see her?
The cops chased her through that door.
She did? Okay.
Is there anything--?
Yeah, can you hold this for me?
Yeah, sure.
there's a million dollars in
there, so be careful.
These shoes are really
uncomfortable to run in.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
[noisy kiss]
I love you.
Thank you.
Yeah. Uh,
what's your name?
Dee! I mean, Dawn.
I'm looking for Dee.
Bye!
An autograph,
please.
Uh, yeah. Right.
Come on. Go.
Oh!
Oh God!
Where does this elevator go?
It only goes down.
We'll take the stairs.
Um, put that in my room.
Ladies, I love you. I love you.
I love you.
(All) No, don't go!
Why are the police after you?
I don't know if they're
the police.
Many people are trying
to kill me.
They can be killers in disguise.
If they're cops, they can
talk to my lawyer.
All units. I'm in pursuit of a blonde
and an unidentified male.
I want all air, land and sea
assets on standby.
Have my helicopter pick me up
at the west parking lot.
Come on.
Everyone! We're in the wharf.
[bangs] Open up!
Get me a helicopter.
Right away!
Go! Go!
(Dee) Oh, Jesus,
Where are
We're taking a little trip.
I didn't pack.
You won't need anything.
We going to Tahiti?
Six feet under.
Australia? I've never been there.
Shut up,
Shut up!
If you talk to me like that I'm not
going anywhere.
You won't have a choice
in the matter.
Is that real?
What?
Is that real?
Yes! With real bullets. Now move!
All right!
Okay. Action. Go.
Rolling?
It's been one year of planning and it
all comes down to this.
Okay, no smiling,
more serious. Okay?
I'm being serious.
I know, but don't smile, eh.
It's been one year of planning
and it all comes down
to this moment.
I plan to sneak over--
Help! Help!
I must find the yacht. My friend's
been kidnapped.
How do I get to that yacht?
The fastest way is probably
right there.
That boat there?
Yeah, we're making web history--
Do you mind?
This is serious.
We're filming Crime of Mr. Wong.
I will sneak over that yacht, I'll climb
aboard and blend in.
Oh, what-- what's she--
Hey, no!
She's kinda hot.
No, wait!
[both yell] Hey! Hey!
[both yell] Hey!
I'm sorry. I have to save my friend.
I'll bring her back, I promise!
Keep it rolling.
Trim down on the motor
or you'll drop the bow.
Come on.
Oh.
It's-- Viagra!
What?
I know what that is.
What?
You think you'll use that
artificial stuff on me,
you might as well shoot me now.
I'm not gonna ride your dinghy.
What?
It's Viagara.
It's my uncle's name.
It's named after him.
I'm not gonna ride your dinghy when
you made a promise to [indistinct]
You shut your mouth, I promise
I won't kill you.
Go, Go. Go.
Call my lawyer.
Where is she going?
Back to the casino, we're
sending a helicopter.
Go! We're heading
down stream to the haven.
Move. Move. Move.
Hey! Dawn! Dee!
I mean, Dawn!
Let me take the wheel.
Keys.
Easy Ma'am.
I just clean 'em.
The keys!
She's all yours.
Untie us.
Bon voyage!
There it is.
That's Wong's boat.
You're crazy.
Take a seat, sweetheart.
It's show time!
Let's move it. Come on,
get the lead out.
There she is. She's got
a goon with her.
That bitch! She thinks she's gonna
waste Wong before I do.
Should I kill her first?
Let me do it.
And you can take your time with Wong.
You've already had your kill today.
I want to do it.
Who the hell are they?
I don't know.
But it looks like they're chasing,
that boat!
This is Agent Gardenia.
I want all available river patrol craft
to intercept Hang Wong's speedboat
called the Viagara.
(Gardenia) We're headed downriver
from River Rock Casino.
Ha, ha. I love this. Like Nam.
Woo-hoo!
What are you gonna do when
we catch them?
I don't know.
Maybe you should tell me what's going on.
I don't know. Some rich guy gave us
a bunch of money
to go to Niagara and
take Mr. Wong out.
What? Take Wong out?
Yeah, just take him out to have
a good time.
Whose following us?
They're shooting at us.
Get down!
What the hell?
Hey, take a position.
Oh! That's my friend Dawn.
Hey, do you know
how to swim?
I was in a hot tub once.
Then maybe you'd better
shut up!
Don't shoot Dawn!
Hey, it's the blonde.
One of them. Wong must be on to them.
He's got the other blonde.
There should be a flare gun.
Intercept the speedboat
with two dark haired women in
it. They're armed.
I got it.
Okay.
Oh my God!
All units. All units.
Gunfire. Gunfire.
They shot my dream guy!
Buzz the one with a weapon.
Come on!
(All) Whoa!
Drop your weapons, ladies.
We have you covered. Give it up, now!
God I hope this works.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
Let's go to Wong's boat.
Can you say something, please?
Patch me into the P.A.
Stop that boat now. Lie it down. Stop.
Don't make us fire on you.
This is Agent Gardenia, Wong.
Give it up. Drop your weapons and
prepare to be boarded.
And with what am I charged?
Oh, where do I start, Wong?
And be warned, that blonde that you're
holding might be the infamous Cat.
Yes, she says she was gonna
take me out.
[sighs] All units.
All units.
Take everybody into custody,
we'll sort it out back at the River
Rock Casino. Out.
I can't wait to see this report.
Let's head back to the casino.
You know, I was just trying to show
you a good time.
I can't remember when
I've had more fun.
I had some fun.
You have fun?
Look at the camera, people.
Alright. Let's go over this.
The two blondes were Kit and Cat.
So we can arrest them.
The dark haired girl
shot the actor.
So we can arrest her.
And Wong kidnapped Cat.
Can we arrest him for that?
I'm not sure.
Let's go over it again.
So--
It's cold.
Dee! Oh my God,
you're okay.
God, you really love me.
Mwah!
Oh, Dee.
This is my dream man.
Ken.
Meet Dee.
I'm Ken.
It's interesting to meet you. Both.
I don't understand. Don't
you know who I am?
You can't arrest me.
I'm Hang Wong.
Did he just say he was
hung wrong?
Yeah, he's Wong.
That's why he's getting arrested.
So, you're a Navy Seal, huh?
Uh, was.
Navy Seal doesn't sound very scary.
Maybe Navy Shark or Navy Lion.
That's a good one.
I'll let them know.
Thanks.
But you're my seal, now.
When you save someone's life,
you're responsible for it.
It sounds good to me.
Dawn tells me you're a
talented dancer.
[tisk] Well, I try.
A couple of our dancers are
unable to make it
for next week's performance.
How would you like to be
in the show?
Oh my God,
are you serious?
Oh my-- I'd love to. Only if Dawn
can be in it too.
I think that can
be arranged.
[both yell and laugh]
Oh, my God! We got a job!
Let's arrest them all.
Alright everybody,
gather round, listen up.
Officers, I want you
to arrest these two women.
This is the infamous Cat and her protge.
Oh yeah, I've been following
you for six years.
They're wanted for a string of murders
all across this country.
No, you idiot! It's me!
You've been waiting
six years to capture me.
I'm the one responsible for killing
over 30 people without a trace.
I'm the criminal mastermind!
I did the Lone Shark with a piano wire.
I snapped Louie Rimoli's neck.
I-- I'm responsible for blowing up the
governor's kitchen
with putting the explosives in
his p't that day.
Me! Me! Not these two idiots.
I want my credit,
and I want it now!
She knows about the piano
wire and the p't.
P't?
Arrest that woman!
Finally,
some respect.
Well,
I guess I'm free to go?
Oh, wrong-o wungy.
You've been charged with kidnapping this
innocent young girl.
Cuff 'em!
What? Wait!
Hey! You can't do this to me.
These girls are innocent.
Free to go, ladies.
[both giggle]
Oh, shoot.
I knew it all along. They were
using them as decoys.
Anybody can see that.
So what do we do now?
Spend a million dollars.
Oh my God!
Dream man.
Mmm.
[sighs] Oh, Virgil.
Why were you taking
flying lessons, anyway?
Well, Dawn,
statistically,
um, flying is safer than
driving, I read it.
For you,
definitely.
Hi, guys.
Hey, you all little chitlands. Hi!
(All kids) Hi.
Welcome to Dee and Dawn's
Famous Turtle Sanctuary.
One day we'll have a lot of these turtles.
We're gonna rescue them,
and they'll be able to run free
and have fun.
Um, this is Virgil.
It's Virgil. Yes.
He's my friend.
And Virgil does a lot of
tricks. Right, Dee?
Right. Yeah.
Kind of. There you go.
Come on, Virgil.
Wow, look at him.
Come on, Virgil.
He likes you guys.
We only have one now, but we're gonna
have a lot pretty soon [chuckles]
Now, turtles can teach us a lot.
We already know how to do that.