Bloodsucking Bastards (2015) Movie Script
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've seen.
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.
Oh, there it is.
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors
recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
-Hey, Tim.
-Oh, hey, Evan.
Have you guys put together
the numbers
for Friday's presentation yet?
What presentation?
Phallusite.
Phallusite presentation.
Oh, is that the
bigger dick thing pill--
-Natural male enhancement, yeah.
-Right.
-Does that thing even work?
-It totally works.
-Heard it turns your junk green.
-It still works.
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.
All that matters is that
we land the account, all right?
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.
-You can count on me.
-Thank you.
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
-They never...
-Tim.
-Tim.
-I'm on a sales call.
Ma'am, listen,
if you're not gonna buy this--
-You're gonna die.
-Shit!
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
You, too? Mike, get to work.
-You owe me 50 bucks.
-Shit!
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.
Kinda short on cash this month.
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes.
It's really tragic.
Okay, bada-bada-bada...
That's baseball, dumb ass.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I fuck up the rules
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport
that we just came up with?
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.
Okay, but I'm sure
someone has thrown a baseball--
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.
-In the history of baseball--
-No adult male has.
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...
-Uh, can I help you?
-Yes, thank you, actually.
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.
-Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
-It's 10:45.
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.
Of course, because there's
more than one element.
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle--
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?
He'll start
bugging you for shit.
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.
-Aren't you already drinking--
-Hey, sport.
You see that garbage over there?
Grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.
Don't we have a good janitor
who can do that?
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!
-All right.
-Byeee!
Don't waste those.
Five-five. This is it.
-That's the one.
-This is the one.
-I can feel it.
-All right.
Yes!
Identify yourself, soldier.
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.
I'm just taking out the trash.
-Don't we have a janitor?
-You do.
-Jerry.
-Frank.
Follow protocol.
It's my first day.
Thanks for pitching in.
-Screws up his equilibrium.
-What's up, dildos?
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,
but you wouldn't happen to have
that money you owe me
for the NCAA pool, do you?
-Didn't I lose that thing?
-It's not about that.
It's about office fun.
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.
-Hey, Mike.
-Fuck off!
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.
-All right, well, see you.
-See you, Dave.
Real nice, guys.
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.
Tim,
I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.
What's Phallusite?
You kidding me? Have you guys
done any work today?
No.
AMANDA: Hey, boys.
ALL: Hey!
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.
Too kind, too kind.
-Mandy, can we please talk?
-Don't call me Mandy.
Andrew, how was your weekend?
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.
Finally. All right!
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?
Uh, it was actually her mom.
-That's decent. Proud of you.
-Mandy.
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.
Why? This is
a corporate break room.
Since we just have
a business relationship,
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.
Right?
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...
I should have said,
okay, is that--
Hey, congratulations
on that NCAA pool.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I actually hate Duke,
but they win, so...
Well, uh...
You guys have a great day.
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.
-Well, not if yours isn't first.
-Right.
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,
but what the fuck! Jesus!
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like--
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?
Evan.
I love you.
No.
MIKE: How could you
just say no?
You could have
said anything else,
like literally anything.
I can't even wrap my brain
around the way, like,
you would say no.
Fire! This could have been
the one time
-you could have said fire.
-No.
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.
-Just silence, just...
-No.
You could have spoken
in tongues.
You could have
-Not even English. German!
-Nein.
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.
I just screwed up.
You did screw up, man.
She is the coolest girl ever.
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?
Why did she have all that camo
on her face? Unreal.
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.
So, not a girl?
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?
-All right.
-No, it's a hot girl
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...
She's still a chick.
She just has guy parts.
-I-I get where you're going.
-It's a feminine penis.
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?
He makes a good point.
-I'm an idiot.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.
That is so offensive.
Why? That isn't racist.
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?
It's ringing off the hook, man.
Oh, probably one of my
man-like 15 female suitors.
Your suitors are man-like?
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man--
Stop saying "man-like."
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.
Probably a business-related
sales call.
I'll give you
the business-related later.
I'll talk to him, okay?
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.
Oh, you heard about that?
Yeah, well,
she's the head of HR,
and she put out a memo.
-Um, I-I--
-All right.
Andrew, get the phone!
-Evan. Can I bend your ear?
-Yeah. Hey.
How's the presentation coming?
You're gonna be ready by Friday?
Yeah, Friday.
Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.
Sales have been bad,
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.
Yeah.
I know male enhancement
isn't the most glamorous product
in the world but...
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.
Tell me if you need anything,
'cause it's all hands on deck
on this one.
Yeah.
I'm making a pretty big
announcement toady
about the next phase of
our company's future.
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,
no matter what.
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.
My office, 10 minutes.
All right.
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.
ALL: Oh!
Bam! Snap!
What?
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.
-Yeah, it's not really working.
-It's a work in progress.
-I love it.
-Thank you, Mike.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm still working on
the inflection but...
-Ted's office in 10.
-It's a catchphrase.
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.
-That's why...
-Yeah, it's good though.
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.
-We can eat it.
-I'm not ready for fruit.
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.
-Okay, got it.
-Okay.
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager.
-Is that so?
-Yeah.
Finally get that promotion.
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?
I feel like it was just,
you know,
yesterday when we were kids,
just laughing
and just saying stupid stuff.
And now,
we're looking after the kids.
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons,
and it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
Or heard. It was on the radio,
but they had these sound bites,
you know? They're
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings--
Evan. I have some things to do.
-So if you'll excuse me.
-Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.
-Uh, check in five.
-Right.
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.
Mike!
It's time for a change.
Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.
And I couldn't agree more.
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,
Max Phillips.
-No, no, no. Not Max.
-Who the hell is Max?
What the hell is
going on right now?
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.
It's kind of a long story.
- Hey, Evan.
- -Sup?
-That wasn't a long story.
-No.
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,
so Max punched Evan in the face?
No. You skipped all that.
Question.
-What do we sell here?
-Shake weights.
-Power mustaches.
-The Abinatrix.
No, Michael. We sell dreams.
He knows my name.
Sales is... seduction.
And when you seduce,
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
Or "I floss"? No.
You say...
"I love you."
Because people make
decisions from the heart.
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap
to fat losers in Alabama
and bored housewives in Iowa,
feed their dreams.
Convince them.
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.
Give them hope, open their eyes
to something... bigger.
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.
And give them life.
And better abs.
Our goal for this month is...
one million dollars in sales.
It's aggressive, yes,
but I'm confident we can hit it.
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...
we'll be forced
to kill all of you.
So you better do what he says.
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.
-What the hell, Ted?
-Now, hold on a minute.
No one ever
promised you that job.
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.
He comes highly recommended.
He has some very
interesting ideas for new hires.
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.
How did you... Of all...
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?
-You working for Max?
-No. No!
Of course not, I just...
I would have liked
a legitimate crack at the job
before you brought in
someone else.
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.
I mean, you show up
for work on time.
You work hard.
You legitimately give a shit.
Thank you. I do!
It's like I used to tell
the bench players
back when I coached football,
"The most important people
in the team
"are the ones who make
the starters try."
Now, you get out there.
There you go.
Thank you, Jerry.
Those are the
employee files I requested?
Oh, yes, I think so.
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,
and I know that
you care about him.
Uh... I'm the head of HR.
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this--
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.
After I settle in, you and I can
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
-Hey, buddy.
-Um...
Just a little HR talk.
Thanks, Mandy.
-We'll circle...
-Hey, that's my...
Where are you taking
Fuzz Aldrin?
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?
Long time no see. Am I right?
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.
But as far as I'm concerned,
water under the bridge.
-Ancient history.
-Okay, good--
It's all about
the company now, right?
-Wait--
-I knew I could count on you.
This is mine--
MIKE: Boom shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.
Okay. Well, you can cry
all night long
'cause you just got
your ass whupped by a grownup
with a big-ass dick.
I'm gonna kill you.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...
you up.
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.
Hey.
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.
Office hours are over.
Yeah, well,
high-speed internet's free,
and Elaine left
her Souplantation in the fridge.
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.
-Okay.
-Oh.
And I'm gonna be dialing up
some Youjizz
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes
so unless you wanna mop me up
here and here
and here
and a little bit here
-and some over here--
-I'll go take a smoke break.
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?
Good. Yeah, take that.
Oh. Oh-ho.
I hear the tears already coming.
What the shit?
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.
Ha.
Hilarious, man.
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.
Colonel Sanders.
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?
-His car is in the garage.
-That's a negative, sir.
-Do you know who Mike is?
-That's a negative, sir.
How do you know he's not here?
I unlocked the doors myself
at 0600,
and no unfamiliars
have penetrated my perimeter,
I've been on full alert.
So, full alert, huh?
I believe I know this cat, sir.
Okay, uh, at ease
or carry on.
Nah, I must be dreaming.
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp
What?
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.
All right. So you've told me.
This situation sucks, dude.
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?
Us?
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.
I wanted that for you, man.
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?
-Yeah.
-Now then...
I mean, I would have gotten away
with everything.
But now...
I mean, you get me, man.
You know? You allow me to be me
in the workplace.
-Useless slacker.
-Exactly.
-Worthless.
-Yeah.
-Gotta have one.
-I mean, look at me, man.
Look at me.
Our perfect routine
is broken.
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.
I know.
But hey, man.
You got hosed too, kinda.
Oh.
By the way...
No.
No. You gotta be fucking
kidding me. This is my desk now?
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.
But you can share it.
Do I get a chair?
Holy fucking shit!
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.
We're going--
Mike is dead.
-Mike is fucking dead!
-What?
Mike is dead
in the fucking bathroom.
I went in there,
and someone ate his...
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?
Mike...
He didn't... Dead...
The bathroom.
Ted, call security.
I still have to go.
-Hey, Frank , we have to have--
-Code one emergency.
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't open the door.
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.
- Oh, boy.
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's--
What? No .
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.
Evan, this isn't some way
of stalling on the Phallusite
presentation, is it?
-The what? What?
-The Phallusite presentation.
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready--
No, no. I just...
I-I...
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...
It will be ready, okay?
It will...
-Mike!
-I'll deal with Mike
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?
We're counting on you, slugger.
No. No.
What the fuck!
Permission to speak freely.
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?
I'm just not in the mood.
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.
I need to talk to you.
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have--
Mike is dead.
What?
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall
like some fucked up marionette.
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,
and he was gone.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.
Did anyone else see the body?
Well, no. I-I-I went
to get help
and then when I came back,
he was gone.
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking
with you. It's Mike.
He's probably doing it
as a joke.
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I-I-I don't know.
-This looked pretty real.
-Okay.
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.
Option one,
somebody murdered Mike,
left him in the bathroom
and then moved
the body when you went
to get help.
Well, when you put it that way--
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,
played a practical joke on you.
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.
Okay, Max is cleaning house.
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.
I have to nail
that presentation.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Don't you two have
some work to do?
-Not really.
-Not really.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Dave, right?
-Yeah.
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.
-Yeah.
-Company sports czar.
It's so weird. I have to try
to get people
-to call me that around here.
-Oh, yeah?
I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he
gets really jealous when I spend
too much time on,
his diabetes is acting off.
Oh, nonsense.
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.
And you make
an important contribution.
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?
Don't hit me.
Man stuff, all right.
-All right.
-Come on.
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Dude, the record.
What's up, man.
You all right?
I...
I don't know. I don't know.
Right now, I'm just
trying to avoid getting fired.
That's smart.
That's a good plan.
-Welcome to the club, right?
-Right.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup--
-Hup, hup, hup--
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.
-I told you, man. I...
-No excuses!
You gambled, you lost.
Now pay for your failures.
You need to chill out, Brian.
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.
It shall not be forgotten.
I...
What the fuck was that?
I didn't even enter
that pool.
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.
That's probably a good thing.
There's an insane amount
of porn on that.
Uh...
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer
and that's locked, so--
Oh, you don't have the password?
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.
Especially after what
Ted did to you.
That was just so horrible.
I know. Right? Yeah.
You must be having
such a horrible day.
So you think
you can help me out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...
-grab the files for you.
-That's great.
You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.
- Okay
- Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye. Run along.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup.
-God.
-MAN: Little help.
Really? Uh...
Oh!
Ev-Evan?
Okay.
Oh, shit.
I just got this skirt.
Come on.
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.
I have kick ball.
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.
-He's terrible.
-God damn, Tim!
All right. Wh-what do I get
if I stay?
My undying gratitude.
The respect and admiration
of your peers.
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.
Straight-up cash.
If we land the account,
all the Phallusite
you'll ever need, free.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!
Why do you care?
I...
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly Clarkson tickets.
Oh, you had been
talking about that.
- Yeah.
- All right.
I like that Walk Away song,
though, I do.
Boom!
Nuh! Aww, man!
There goes all the burritos.
This is a conventional oven,
right?
Well, you know,
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...
You know what?
Can I be blunt?
As opposed to how
you normally are?
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.
Yes, you are, Mandy.
Damn it.
We are gonna have
this conversation right now.
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.
You know it.
I know it. All right.
So he made one mistake.
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.
What do you want me to say?
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.
You said it.
Well, yeah.
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,
Right.
but look, we all think
you're awesome.
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
Dating me is like dating a dude.
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually
really difficult for me
to even say
the "L" word,
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.
You always make lesbian jokes.
Not in front of lesbians.
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.
Look.
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
Oh, yeah.
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?
-Not a positive one.
-Yeah.
It would have...
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said
nothing at all.
Hey, Evan.
TIM: Hmm, shit.
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...
-We were talking about you.
-Clearly.
Amanda Baron.
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.
Um...
interesting observation.
I smell lust.
I can hear your heart
all broken.
And wet.
That's really weird, okay?
Evan doesn't deserve you.
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.
Shouldn't you be answering
the phones?
I like your dress.
No money was ever transferred.
You can't just give yourself
a checkmark.
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.
Tick-tock, motherfucker.
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.
Quick.
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.
Go ahead.
One...
Five o'clock.
See you fuckers tomorrow.
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
-Evan?
-Oh.
Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
Oh.
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Phallusite.
Well, it was worth a shot.
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.
Nice.
You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.
Nice.
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.
Oh, Amen, brother.
Oh shit.
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.
Can you run downstairs
and get August?
In the basement?
-Yeah.
-Oh, man.
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that
whimsical gimp mask.
You know, Elaine walked off
with that.
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.
You don't have to work
for one minute.
Actually, that's pretty
good argument.
There you go.
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.
Bad idea.
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.
What the hell were you even
doing down here?
Oh, shit. Of course.
Um, ass-hat?
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?
Well, I couldn't agree more.
The douche-nozzle.
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."
Got some new hires, huh?
Well, that's not a surprise.
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I was just wasting my time
pining on Evan.
And Evan is just that.
A waste.
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
Okay, come on.
Evan's my friend,
and he's the only person
in this office who...
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.
Well, Tim. I mean...
What? Really?
Oh, what are you doing?
How do...
Well...
What? I'm the one person
in the office
you haven't made a decision on.
Okay, full disclaimer.
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.
Let's go with Kermit.
Ho-ha!
Huh! Well, well, well.
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.
I have severely underestimated
the versatility
of Anne Taylor Loft.
Oh, God! You bit my lip.
Do we need a safe word?
Oh!
Scream for me.
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.
Well, you have Zabeth.
Oh, God!
Okay, I took
a self-defense class for women
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.
Dave? What the hell does he do?
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,
crotch kick.
- Excellent suggestion.
-Ah!
Well, that's different.
Oh, God!
I will still fuck you
if you scream.
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, God!
I just didn't say when.
All right, Max.
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...
Are you... Son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...
Andrew?
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...
-Run.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.
What the fuck is happening?
Somebody here went to Harvard?
Who the fuck would do this?
Max.
Max. You fucking asshole.
Oh fuck!
Oh, come on
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.
I just saw Andrew get killed.
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.
MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy.
That hurts my feelings.
I'm sure Amanda is great
in a crisis,
but don't you think
this call is more suited to 911?
What have you done with Amanda?
I just devoured her
fabulous Ossobuco
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.
What?
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!
-Oh, fuck!
-Do I hear banging?
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.
Wait, are you on my phone?
It's Evan calling to tell us
he's absolutely crushing
the presentation tomorrow.
Do you want to talk to him?
Uh, no. No, it's okay.
Amanda!
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.
God damn it, Max.
I swear to God
if you lay one finger on her...
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.
But I'll give Amanda your best.
Actually, I'll give her mine.
-Max, no.
-It's better.
Max! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck!
Fuck!
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?
Fuck it. That was stupid.
All right. Where were we?
"Where are we?"
Is the more
pertinent question.
-What?
-You...
have beautiful eyes.
Uh, we should get started.
We have the whole company
to get through, so...
Don't I know it.
Ah!
Hey, Ted. Oww.
Mind explaining yourself?
Ted's here.
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.
And uh...
Oh, my God! Andrew!
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.
Without him, today would have
been a total disaster.
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.
I want you to run
this presentation today.
You got it, boss.
Bounce.
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?
You've always been
a model employee, but I...
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.
Ted. Ted, Ted.
Let's not be hasty.
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.
Look at this poor fellow.
He was just passed over
for a promotion.
He slept in the supply closet,
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.
-You smell it now?
-He's just having a rough patch.
Let's give him
a pass on this one, okay?
I...
Max brought doughnuts.
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,
Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.
Abinatrix is for everyone
of all ages.
Dude, that sucked man.
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.
And why the hell
did Max save my job?
You know what, man?
I thought that was weird too,
but on the plus side,
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.
Mom, look,
just buy Abinatrix all right?
What?
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.
Tim! Vampires?
Oh, okay. Well,
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.
A shoe?
-That was your evidence?
-Well, I'm not done yet.
Okay, that is
significantly weirder
and Zabeth
has been acting strangely.
Agreed, but what really
convinced me...
--Poor, poor, Elaine.
All ginger and no joy.
-I don't-I don't mind.
-Yes, you do.
-Oh, that's...
-I want you so bad.
Oh, I am so busy.
--I can't. I can't.
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.
You all are.
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
-Max is a vampire.
-The head vampire, presumably.
Right. This all started
after he got here.
-It's only logical.
-AMANDA: Logical?
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan
but it is not funny or endearing
or working.
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?
I thought you were smarter
than that.
-Really?
-Really?
-And today of all days.
-What day is it?
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide
to impress me, it's,
It's pretty lame.
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!
Oh, good one.
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.
We have to get out of here.
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...
-Touche.
-Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
-How do you explain Andrew?
-What about Andrew?
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.
-Yeah, he does.
-Exactly!
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces
are at work here?
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm done with--
What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,
wait, wait. Wait.
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.
But please,
you have to believe me.
I love you.
No.
So that's what it sounded like.
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,
I am not letting
the woman I love
get turned into
a blood-sucking vampire.
Bam-snap!
What?
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?
-And colder too. Look.
-Oh.
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.
-You mean call the cops?
-Yes.
And tell them what?
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...
-And working.
-Shit.
Or turned to food.
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.
Grody.
Oh, poor Andrew.
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.
It's a great idea.
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.
Dave.
Andrew has 14 sales today?
Fuck!
He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.
Look, we need to get Amanda
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.
Everyone in this office
has been turned--
Well, not everyone.
Come on.
Anybody need anything
from the... break room.
-Colonel Sanders.
-At ease, Soldier.
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...
-Attention.
-Attention.
Frank, we need your help, okay?
This is going to sound insane,
but the entire office
has been turned into--
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
What? What, you know?
Oh! Did I not mention
that Frank was there?
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.
Sorry, my bad.
We hang out a lot actually.
By the way, how amazing was that
Kelly Clarkson
concert last night?
American Idol?
More like American Treasure.
Her voice literally sings.
-It does sing.
-Her singing sings.
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.
This is not what we're here
to talk about.
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of--
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.
The place is a den
of the undead right now.
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.
I was waiting for you
to say that.
I've got just the thing.
-Weapons!
-Okay, okay.
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"
Almost fainted.
What kills vampires?
-Stakes.
-Yeah.
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.
Did you think
this was my first vampire?
I'm a licensed security guard.
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.
I looked some stuff up
on Wikipedia.
- Oh.
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.
Sunlight. That burns them up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number
of windows to minimize
visual distractions
and maximize climate control
and security.
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,
that they're just fine?
-Good god, that's depressing.
-Yes, sir, it is.
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal
of immense proportions
in this van this morning.
Someone has violated
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.
They got your stereo, too.
-Oh, son of a bitch.
-Hey!
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... Okay, okay.
Listen, we need your help.
All right, this is
going to sound insane,
but the entire office
has been turned into--
Vampires, yeah.
-Did everybody know but me?
-Yeah, it seems that way.
--Oh, fuck!
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!
Max turned the fucking janitor.
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.
You're creating
a lot of dead bodies--
Yeah, you got blood.
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.
You got vans coming in
full of weapons.
-You got to clear that out.
-Okay, okay, I get it.
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.
-He's still a fucking asshole.
-Did you guys really not notice?
He turned me day one. I've been
a vampire this whole...
I-I chased you
through the cubicles.
Last night? That was you?
Um...
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...
Well, how about his?
That's,
that's scary, yeah.
-The teeth--
-Don't patronize me! God!
Do you even know my name?
-Janitor?
-Janitor.
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.
Wait, where?
In my--
Wikipedia did not mention that.
No, no, no.
Okay, okay, wait, wait.
This means that they can die,
all right?
You just need to find weapons.
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put Frank's weapons in...
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
unless you make a special
request,
but that's like 60 bucks.
Seriously?
God, this fucking company sucks.
I've got towels in my car.
Hi, we're the Phallusite
Corporation.
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
Meeting's canceled.
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.
Say what you want about Elaine,
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.
Bam-snap!
That's growing on me.
What?
-Bam-snap!
-Yeah!
Today, we become men.
-Or vampires.
-Or dead.
God, Frank,
what's wrong with you?
It's bull piss.
It's gonna beat your ass.
How many of those
do you drink a day?
As many as it takes.
Jeez, anyone that probably
takes a bite out of you
is going to be up for a week.
Okay, there's a lot of them.
Let's focus.
We get into Ted's office,
we grab Mandy,
-we get out of here.
-We got your back, Colonel.
Colonel Sanders.
Like the chicken guy.
I just got that.
All right,
vam time. Focus.
Okay, okay, okay.
No sudden movements, all right?
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.
-People call yet?
-No, not yet.
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.
That, that's the IT guy.
There's Marketing.
There's the Customer Service
Call center.
-I hired everyone in there.
-That is ironic.
Only if they eat us.
Tim.
What? Oh, did I jinx us?
My bad.
Sanders, what the hell
are you doing?
Have, have you lost your mind?
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea whats going on here.
-Now you're saying way too much.
-Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire
and he's turning every one
of your employees
from the janitor on up.
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting
in the parking garage.
-Bam-snap!
-AMANDA: Jesus Christ.
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?
You popped Jerry?
-Jerry.
-Jerry.
-That sounds familiar.
-That was... Yeah. Yeah.
-That was so embarrassing.
-I was like...
Did you just miss
the whole un-dead thing, sir?
Yeah.
God damn it,
I know they're vampires.
Uh, wait. What?
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?
-Tim!
-Uh, last quarter, 22415.
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.
Wait, you did this
intentionally?
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,
but you can't argue
with the results.
After your little stunt
in college!
The only school
that would take me
was this university in Romania.
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,
a whole new paradigm
in business management
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!
Evan, this company was sick.
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.
Video game tournaments
during office hours,
and look at your browser
histories.
-I know you watch porn all day.
-That was mainly mine.
At least now we have a future.
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.
What's that supposed to mean?
Max was gonna
fucking eat you.
I saw it in his files.
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.
-Oh.
-That makes sense.
You were going to force me out?
Hey, quick, while you still have
time, Ted. Fire this--
--Oh god!
It actually works.
He really did that.
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
-Hey, Mandy.
-His neck--
Have you not been listening
this entire time?
We are vampires.
That's what we do.
We get... Still sounds so weird
saying vampires.
So you just do it?
It's true. Amanda you got to
start working
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here un-undead.
Is that so?
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.
Oh.
-Okay.
-Okay?
Well, show yourselves out.
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.
-Bye, gang.
-Okay, yeah.
-See you guys.
-See you, man.
You got that? You got the door?
Back up. Back up!
Holy shit!
-Are all these people vampires?
-Yes, ma'am.
Mandy, I don't want to die
without telling you
how I really feel.
Well, then shut the fuck up,
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.
-So what now, Colonel?
-Honestly, I have no idea.
I never thought
we'd live this long.
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.
-Okay, I've got it.
-Oh, hey, Dave.
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.
-God damn it, Tim.
-Oops.
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.
Do you want me to, uh,
dive in?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.
Hair pulling?!
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
Oh, God! Your breath
smells like cat-food.
Oh, I don't like this
And I defended your hire.
-Does this happen every time?
-Yeah. Yeah, basically.
Not if you kill them
first, people.
Learn how to take the initiative
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.
This is about the story
as far as I--
Well,
now it's time to go to work.
AMANDA: Oh, shit.
Jesus,
those walls are thin.
So, my question is,
"When do you let your people
make their own mistakes
so that they can learn?"
and "when do you just jump in
and do the job yourself
because you're more efficient?"
-It's a balance to be sure.
-Yeah.
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.
I think I've re-injured my back.
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.
Sorry.
Whoa-ho-ho!
You know what?
That almost felt like--
Oh, come on.
Whoa! Did it just get dark?
Should we be intervening here?
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.
Oh, okay,
I'll just run an ad.
You fucker. Take that.
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?
Still, a good manager knows
when his staff
is getting overextended.
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?
Can I use your office?
This is just,
kind of flat out here.
Yeah, feel free.
Make yourself at home.
I know you rigged the raffle
to win the office trip to Cabo
this year.
That trip was mine!
You do not want to know
where that came from.
who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?
I'm not a vampire expert,
asshole.
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.
I'm saving it
for something else.
Why don't we ever go dancing?
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.
I hope you
and your dickhead pals
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge
with a thousand generations
of death.
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!
Eww.
I knew you were a good vampire.
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.
Well, what now, asshole?
Yeah, it looks like
you're fresh out of friends.
Nah, I'll make more.
Oh, that's a lot of blood!
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Are you secure?
-Not in the slightest.
Huh?
ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool.
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the UNC game.
Fucking Duke.
-You hungry?
-Yeah.
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.
--Yeah!
Oh, honestly, guys,
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?
No, not at first, but then it...
-Once we got going, it was...
-MAX: Oh, come on!
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company
without consulting legal first?
Oh, lawyers?
Amanda, a private word with you
in my office please.
Um, Amanda,
where are you going?
Uh, I don't
really know actually.
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college
without using
supernatural powers?
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro
when your school has a chance
at the Championships?
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.
You got to take the money
and run.
Evan, you can go home
for the day.
Frank, you can die.
It has been an honor
and a pleasure
to serve with you, Colonel...
But it's time we parted ways.
Any-who, I'm going to
turn you now.
I hope that's cool.
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.
No, no, no, Frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.
Literally. Literally, literally.
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.
You never know
if you're the kind of guy
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.
Man, that's intense.
Being a vampire is amazing.
We had a crazy vampire orgy
last night
It was mind-blowing.
Yeah, but I just got some
new golf clubs...
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you
for a meritorious service medal
when all this is over.
I'm not going to let you
stake me so...
Some pickle, huh?
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.
Come on! Come on, get him!
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about
to turn your girl
and fuck her on Ted's desk.
Sorry. My desk.
You fucking dick.
Amanda, you need to focus
on your job.
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires
we're going to need.
Oh, let's just get this
over with.
I'd rather die than listen
to your lame management style
any longer.
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.
That is disgusting. No.
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?
-Dreams?
-Yeah, that was bullshit.
We sell fear.
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.
Our customers are afraid.
Afraid that life
is passing them by,
which to be fair, it is.
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.
Because you are a coward.
I'm sorry?
Okay, option nine, I let you go
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.
No way, man.
A vamp's got to eat.
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?
Because you work together?
Because she earns more than you?
Roshambo?
Winner chooses our fate?
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
You didn't even have the balls
to quit
when this incompetent turd
passed you over
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the Earth.
You are so afraid of life.
And you actually
want to be sales manager
in this shithole.
Mandy!
We are trying
to have a conversation.
--No!
-Well, two out of three?
-Yeah.
One, two, three.
I am not going to change you.
That's right.
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job
now, until the day you die.
This suit is bespoke.
One, two, three.
sharing the desk
with the photo printer,
while I stay young
with the woman you love,
immortal at my side.
I'd rather fucking die first.
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it works.
Holy shit!
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.
Yeah.
You want this job? Then take it.
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
Oh, shit.
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.
I stand corrected. Yuk.
Hey.
Is all this Max's blood?
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.
Yeah.
Gross.
Yeah.
Hey, Frank?
Lost in the line of duty.
I really liked that guy.
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, another work day.
Bitchin'
EVAN: Is it weird
that I'm hungry?
TIM: Oh, I could eat.
AMANDA: Where do you guys
wanna go?
EVAN: Well, somewhere without
blood on it.
TIM: That rules out Denny's.
AMANDA: Have a pizza.
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?
Hey! Yeah.
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.
Oh, you could hear it?
Bastardo!
Welcome to the team.
My office in 10.
the grossest thing I've seen.
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.
Oh, there it is.
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors
recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
-Hey, Tim.
-Oh, hey, Evan.
Have you guys put together
the numbers
for Friday's presentation yet?
What presentation?
Phallusite.
Phallusite presentation.
Oh, is that the
bigger dick thing pill--
-Natural male enhancement, yeah.
-Right.
-Does that thing even work?
-It totally works.
-Heard it turns your junk green.
-It still works.
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.
All that matters is that
we land the account, all right?
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.
-You can count on me.
-Thank you.
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
-They never...
-Tim.
-Tim.
-I'm on a sales call.
Ma'am, listen,
if you're not gonna buy this--
-You're gonna die.
-Shit!
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
You, too? Mike, get to work.
-You owe me 50 bucks.
-Shit!
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.
Kinda short on cash this month.
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes.
It's really tragic.
Okay, bada-bada-bada...
That's baseball, dumb ass.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I fuck up the rules
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport
that we just came up with?
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.
Okay, but I'm sure
someone has thrown a baseball--
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.
-In the history of baseball--
-No adult male has.
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...
-Uh, can I help you?
-Yes, thank you, actually.
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.
-Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
-It's 10:45.
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.
Of course, because there's
more than one element.
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle--
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?
He'll start
bugging you for shit.
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.
-Aren't you already drinking--
-Hey, sport.
You see that garbage over there?
Grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.
Don't we have a good janitor
who can do that?
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!
-All right.
-Byeee!
Don't waste those.
Five-five. This is it.
-That's the one.
-This is the one.
-I can feel it.
-All right.
Yes!
Identify yourself, soldier.
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.
I'm just taking out the trash.
-Don't we have a janitor?
-You do.
-Jerry.
-Frank.
Follow protocol.
It's my first day.
Thanks for pitching in.
-Screws up his equilibrium.
-What's up, dildos?
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,
but you wouldn't happen to have
that money you owe me
for the NCAA pool, do you?
-Didn't I lose that thing?
-It's not about that.
It's about office fun.
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.
-Hey, Mike.
-Fuck off!
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.
-All right, well, see you.
-See you, Dave.
Real nice, guys.
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.
Tim,
I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.
What's Phallusite?
You kidding me? Have you guys
done any work today?
No.
AMANDA: Hey, boys.
ALL: Hey!
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.
Too kind, too kind.
-Mandy, can we please talk?
-Don't call me Mandy.
Andrew, how was your weekend?
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.
Finally. All right!
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?
Uh, it was actually her mom.
-That's decent. Proud of you.
-Mandy.
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.
Why? This is
a corporate break room.
Since we just have
a business relationship,
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.
Right?
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...
I should have said,
okay, is that--
Hey, congratulations
on that NCAA pool.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I actually hate Duke,
but they win, so...
Well, uh...
You guys have a great day.
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.
-Well, not if yours isn't first.
-Right.
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,
but what the fuck! Jesus!
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like--
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?
Evan.
I love you.
No.
MIKE: How could you
just say no?
You could have
said anything else,
like literally anything.
I can't even wrap my brain
around the way, like,
you would say no.
Fire! This could have been
the one time
-you could have said fire.
-No.
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.
-Just silence, just...
-No.
You could have spoken
in tongues.
You could have
-Not even English. German!
-Nein.
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.
I just screwed up.
You did screw up, man.
She is the coolest girl ever.
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?
Why did she have all that camo
on her face? Unreal.
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.
So, not a girl?
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?
-All right.
-No, it's a hot girl
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...
She's still a chick.
She just has guy parts.
-I-I get where you're going.
-It's a feminine penis.
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?
He makes a good point.
-I'm an idiot.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.
That is so offensive.
Why? That isn't racist.
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?
It's ringing off the hook, man.
Oh, probably one of my
man-like 15 female suitors.
Your suitors are man-like?
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man--
Stop saying "man-like."
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.
Probably a business-related
sales call.
I'll give you
the business-related later.
I'll talk to him, okay?
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.
Oh, you heard about that?
Yeah, well,
she's the head of HR,
and she put out a memo.
-Um, I-I--
-All right.
Andrew, get the phone!
-Evan. Can I bend your ear?
-Yeah. Hey.
How's the presentation coming?
You're gonna be ready by Friday?
Yeah, Friday.
Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.
Sales have been bad,
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.
Yeah.
I know male enhancement
isn't the most glamorous product
in the world but...
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.
Tell me if you need anything,
'cause it's all hands on deck
on this one.
Yeah.
I'm making a pretty big
announcement toady
about the next phase of
our company's future.
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,
no matter what.
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.
My office, 10 minutes.
All right.
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.
ALL: Oh!
Bam! Snap!
What?
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.
-Yeah, it's not really working.
-It's a work in progress.
-I love it.
-Thank you, Mike.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm still working on
the inflection but...
-Ted's office in 10.
-It's a catchphrase.
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.
-That's why...
-Yeah, it's good though.
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.
-We can eat it.
-I'm not ready for fruit.
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.
-Okay, got it.
-Okay.
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager.
-Is that so?
-Yeah.
Finally get that promotion.
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?
I feel like it was just,
you know,
yesterday when we were kids,
just laughing
and just saying stupid stuff.
And now,
we're looking after the kids.
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons,
and it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
Or heard. It was on the radio,
but they had these sound bites,
you know? They're
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings--
Evan. I have some things to do.
-So if you'll excuse me.
-Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.
-Uh, check in five.
-Right.
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.
Mike!
It's time for a change.
Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.
And I couldn't agree more.
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,
Max Phillips.
-No, no, no. Not Max.
-Who the hell is Max?
What the hell is
going on right now?
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.
It's kind of a long story.
- Hey, Evan.
- -Sup?
-That wasn't a long story.
-No.
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,
so Max punched Evan in the face?
No. You skipped all that.
Question.
-What do we sell here?
-Shake weights.
-Power mustaches.
-The Abinatrix.
No, Michael. We sell dreams.
He knows my name.
Sales is... seduction.
And when you seduce,
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
Or "I floss"? No.
You say...
"I love you."
Because people make
decisions from the heart.
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap
to fat losers in Alabama
and bored housewives in Iowa,
feed their dreams.
Convince them.
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.
Give them hope, open their eyes
to something... bigger.
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.
And give them life.
And better abs.
Our goal for this month is...
one million dollars in sales.
It's aggressive, yes,
but I'm confident we can hit it.
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...
we'll be forced
to kill all of you.
So you better do what he says.
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.
-What the hell, Ted?
-Now, hold on a minute.
No one ever
promised you that job.
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.
He comes highly recommended.
He has some very
interesting ideas for new hires.
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.
How did you... Of all...
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?
-You working for Max?
-No. No!
Of course not, I just...
I would have liked
a legitimate crack at the job
before you brought in
someone else.
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.
I mean, you show up
for work on time.
You work hard.
You legitimately give a shit.
Thank you. I do!
It's like I used to tell
the bench players
back when I coached football,
"The most important people
in the team
"are the ones who make
the starters try."
Now, you get out there.
There you go.
Thank you, Jerry.
Those are the
employee files I requested?
Oh, yes, I think so.
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,
and I know that
you care about him.
Uh... I'm the head of HR.
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this--
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.
After I settle in, you and I can
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
-Hey, buddy.
-Um...
Just a little HR talk.
Thanks, Mandy.
-We'll circle...
-Hey, that's my...
Where are you taking
Fuzz Aldrin?
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?
Long time no see. Am I right?
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.
But as far as I'm concerned,
water under the bridge.
-Ancient history.
-Okay, good--
It's all about
the company now, right?
-Wait--
-I knew I could count on you.
This is mine--
MIKE: Boom shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.
Okay. Well, you can cry
all night long
'cause you just got
your ass whupped by a grownup
with a big-ass dick.
I'm gonna kill you.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...
you up.
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.
Hey.
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.
Office hours are over.
Yeah, well,
high-speed internet's free,
and Elaine left
her Souplantation in the fridge.
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.
-Okay.
-Oh.
And I'm gonna be dialing up
some Youjizz
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes
so unless you wanna mop me up
here and here
and here
and a little bit here
-and some over here--
-I'll go take a smoke break.
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?
Good. Yeah, take that.
Oh. Oh-ho.
I hear the tears already coming.
What the shit?
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.
Ha.
Hilarious, man.
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.
Colonel Sanders.
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?
-His car is in the garage.
-That's a negative, sir.
-Do you know who Mike is?
-That's a negative, sir.
How do you know he's not here?
I unlocked the doors myself
at 0600,
and no unfamiliars
have penetrated my perimeter,
I've been on full alert.
So, full alert, huh?
I believe I know this cat, sir.
Okay, uh, at ease
or carry on.
Nah, I must be dreaming.
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp
What?
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.
All right. So you've told me.
This situation sucks, dude.
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?
Us?
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.
I wanted that for you, man.
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?
-Yeah.
-Now then...
I mean, I would have gotten away
with everything.
But now...
I mean, you get me, man.
You know? You allow me to be me
in the workplace.
-Useless slacker.
-Exactly.
-Worthless.
-Yeah.
-Gotta have one.
-I mean, look at me, man.
Look at me.
Our perfect routine
is broken.
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.
I know.
But hey, man.
You got hosed too, kinda.
Oh.
By the way...
No.
No. You gotta be fucking
kidding me. This is my desk now?
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.
But you can share it.
Do I get a chair?
Holy fucking shit!
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.
We're going--
Mike is dead.
-Mike is fucking dead!
-What?
Mike is dead
in the fucking bathroom.
I went in there,
and someone ate his...
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?
Mike...
He didn't... Dead...
The bathroom.
Ted, call security.
I still have to go.
-Hey, Frank , we have to have--
-Code one emergency.
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't open the door.
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.
- Oh, boy.
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's--
What? No .
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.
Evan, this isn't some way
of stalling on the Phallusite
presentation, is it?
-The what? What?
-The Phallusite presentation.
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready--
No, no. I just...
I-I...
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...
It will be ready, okay?
It will...
-Mike!
-I'll deal with Mike
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?
We're counting on you, slugger.
No. No.
What the fuck!
Permission to speak freely.
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?
I'm just not in the mood.
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.
I need to talk to you.
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have--
Mike is dead.
What?
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall
like some fucked up marionette.
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,
and he was gone.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.
Did anyone else see the body?
Well, no. I-I-I went
to get help
and then when I came back,
he was gone.
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking
with you. It's Mike.
He's probably doing it
as a joke.
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I-I-I don't know.
-This looked pretty real.
-Okay.
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.
Option one,
somebody murdered Mike,
left him in the bathroom
and then moved
the body when you went
to get help.
Well, when you put it that way--
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,
played a practical joke on you.
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.
Okay, Max is cleaning house.
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.
I have to nail
that presentation.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Don't you two have
some work to do?
-Not really.
-Not really.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Dave, right?
-Yeah.
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.
-Yeah.
-Company sports czar.
It's so weird. I have to try
to get people
-to call me that around here.
-Oh, yeah?
I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he
gets really jealous when I spend
too much time on,
his diabetes is acting off.
Oh, nonsense.
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.
And you make
an important contribution.
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?
Don't hit me.
Man stuff, all right.
-All right.
-Come on.
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Dude, the record.
What's up, man.
You all right?
I...
I don't know. I don't know.
Right now, I'm just
trying to avoid getting fired.
That's smart.
That's a good plan.
-Welcome to the club, right?
-Right.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup--
-Hup, hup, hup--
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.
-I told you, man. I...
-No excuses!
You gambled, you lost.
Now pay for your failures.
You need to chill out, Brian.
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.
It shall not be forgotten.
I...
What the fuck was that?
I didn't even enter
that pool.
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.
That's probably a good thing.
There's an insane amount
of porn on that.
Uh...
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer
and that's locked, so--
Oh, you don't have the password?
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.
Especially after what
Ted did to you.
That was just so horrible.
I know. Right? Yeah.
You must be having
such a horrible day.
So you think
you can help me out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...
-grab the files for you.
-That's great.
You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.
- Okay
- Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye. Run along.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup.
-God.
-MAN: Little help.
Really? Uh...
Oh!
Ev-Evan?
Okay.
Oh, shit.
I just got this skirt.
Come on.
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.
I have kick ball.
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.
-He's terrible.
-God damn, Tim!
All right. Wh-what do I get
if I stay?
My undying gratitude.
The respect and admiration
of your peers.
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.
Straight-up cash.
If we land the account,
all the Phallusite
you'll ever need, free.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!
Why do you care?
I...
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly Clarkson tickets.
Oh, you had been
talking about that.
- Yeah.
- All right.
I like that Walk Away song,
though, I do.
Boom!
Nuh! Aww, man!
There goes all the burritos.
This is a conventional oven,
right?
Well, you know,
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...
You know what?
Can I be blunt?
As opposed to how
you normally are?
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.
Yes, you are, Mandy.
Damn it.
We are gonna have
this conversation right now.
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.
You know it.
I know it. All right.
So he made one mistake.
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.
What do you want me to say?
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.
You said it.
Well, yeah.
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,
Right.
but look, we all think
you're awesome.
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
Dating me is like dating a dude.
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually
really difficult for me
to even say
the "L" word,
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.
You always make lesbian jokes.
Not in front of lesbians.
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.
Look.
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
Oh, yeah.
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?
-Not a positive one.
-Yeah.
It would have...
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said
nothing at all.
Hey, Evan.
TIM: Hmm, shit.
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...
-We were talking about you.
-Clearly.
Amanda Baron.
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.
Um...
interesting observation.
I smell lust.
I can hear your heart
all broken.
And wet.
That's really weird, okay?
Evan doesn't deserve you.
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.
Shouldn't you be answering
the phones?
I like your dress.
No money was ever transferred.
You can't just give yourself
a checkmark.
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.
Tick-tock, motherfucker.
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.
Quick.
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.
Go ahead.
One...
Five o'clock.
See you fuckers tomorrow.
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
-Evan?
-Oh.
Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
Oh.
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Phallusite.
Well, it was worth a shot.
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.
Nice.
You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.
Nice.
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.
Oh, Amen, brother.
Oh shit.
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.
Can you run downstairs
and get August?
In the basement?
-Yeah.
-Oh, man.
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that
whimsical gimp mask.
You know, Elaine walked off
with that.
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.
You don't have to work
for one minute.
Actually, that's pretty
good argument.
There you go.
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.
Bad idea.
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.
What the hell were you even
doing down here?
Oh, shit. Of course.
Um, ass-hat?
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?
Well, I couldn't agree more.
The douche-nozzle.
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."
Got some new hires, huh?
Well, that's not a surprise.
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I was just wasting my time
pining on Evan.
And Evan is just that.
A waste.
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
Okay, come on.
Evan's my friend,
and he's the only person
in this office who...
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.
Well, Tim. I mean...
What? Really?
Oh, what are you doing?
How do...
Well...
What? I'm the one person
in the office
you haven't made a decision on.
Okay, full disclaimer.
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.
Let's go with Kermit.
Ho-ha!
Huh! Well, well, well.
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.
I have severely underestimated
the versatility
of Anne Taylor Loft.
Oh, God! You bit my lip.
Do we need a safe word?
Oh!
Scream for me.
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.
Well, you have Zabeth.
Oh, God!
Okay, I took
a self-defense class for women
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.
Dave? What the hell does he do?
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,
crotch kick.
- Excellent suggestion.
-Ah!
Well, that's different.
Oh, God!
I will still fuck you
if you scream.
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, God!
I just didn't say when.
All right, Max.
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...
Are you... Son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...
Andrew?
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...
-Run.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.
What the fuck is happening?
Somebody here went to Harvard?
Who the fuck would do this?
Max.
Max. You fucking asshole.
Oh fuck!
Oh, come on
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.
I just saw Andrew get killed.
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.
MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy.
That hurts my feelings.
I'm sure Amanda is great
in a crisis,
but don't you think
this call is more suited to 911?
What have you done with Amanda?
I just devoured her
fabulous Ossobuco
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.
What?
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!
-Oh, fuck!
-Do I hear banging?
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.
Wait, are you on my phone?
It's Evan calling to tell us
he's absolutely crushing
the presentation tomorrow.
Do you want to talk to him?
Uh, no. No, it's okay.
Amanda!
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.
God damn it, Max.
I swear to God
if you lay one finger on her...
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.
But I'll give Amanda your best.
Actually, I'll give her mine.
-Max, no.
-It's better.
Max! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck!
Fuck!
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?
Fuck it. That was stupid.
All right. Where were we?
"Where are we?"
Is the more
pertinent question.
-What?
-You...
have beautiful eyes.
Uh, we should get started.
We have the whole company
to get through, so...
Don't I know it.
Ah!
Hey, Ted. Oww.
Mind explaining yourself?
Ted's here.
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.
And uh...
Oh, my God! Andrew!
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.
Without him, today would have
been a total disaster.
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.
I want you to run
this presentation today.
You got it, boss.
Bounce.
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?
You've always been
a model employee, but I...
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.
Ted. Ted, Ted.
Let's not be hasty.
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.
Look at this poor fellow.
He was just passed over
for a promotion.
He slept in the supply closet,
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.
-You smell it now?
-He's just having a rough patch.
Let's give him
a pass on this one, okay?
I...
Max brought doughnuts.
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,
Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.
Abinatrix is for everyone
of all ages.
Dude, that sucked man.
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.
And why the hell
did Max save my job?
You know what, man?
I thought that was weird too,
but on the plus side,
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.
Mom, look,
just buy Abinatrix all right?
What?
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.
Tim! Vampires?
Oh, okay. Well,
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.
A shoe?
-That was your evidence?
-Well, I'm not done yet.
Okay, that is
significantly weirder
and Zabeth
has been acting strangely.
Agreed, but what really
convinced me...
--Poor, poor, Elaine.
All ginger and no joy.
-I don't-I don't mind.
-Yes, you do.
-Oh, that's...
-I want you so bad.
Oh, I am so busy.
--I can't. I can't.
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.
You all are.
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
-Max is a vampire.
-The head vampire, presumably.
Right. This all started
after he got here.
-It's only logical.
-AMANDA: Logical?
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan
but it is not funny or endearing
or working.
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?
I thought you were smarter
than that.
-Really?
-Really?
-And today of all days.
-What day is it?
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide
to impress me, it's,
It's pretty lame.
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!
Oh, good one.
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.
We have to get out of here.
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...
-Touche.
-Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
-How do you explain Andrew?
-What about Andrew?
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.
-Yeah, he does.
-Exactly!
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces
are at work here?
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm done with--
What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,
wait, wait. Wait.
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.
But please,
you have to believe me.
I love you.
No.
So that's what it sounded like.
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,
I am not letting
the woman I love
get turned into
a blood-sucking vampire.
Bam-snap!
What?
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?
-And colder too. Look.
-Oh.
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.
-You mean call the cops?
-Yes.
And tell them what?
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...
-And working.
-Shit.
Or turned to food.
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.
Grody.
Oh, poor Andrew.
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.
It's a great idea.
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.
Dave.
Andrew has 14 sales today?
Fuck!
He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.
Look, we need to get Amanda
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.
Everyone in this office
has been turned--
Well, not everyone.
Come on.
Anybody need anything
from the... break room.
-Colonel Sanders.
-At ease, Soldier.
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...
-Attention.
-Attention.
Frank, we need your help, okay?
This is going to sound insane,
but the entire office
has been turned into--
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
What? What, you know?
Oh! Did I not mention
that Frank was there?
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.
Sorry, my bad.
We hang out a lot actually.
By the way, how amazing was that
Kelly Clarkson
concert last night?
American Idol?
More like American Treasure.
Her voice literally sings.
-It does sing.
-Her singing sings.
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.
This is not what we're here
to talk about.
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of--
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.
The place is a den
of the undead right now.
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.
I was waiting for you
to say that.
I've got just the thing.
-Weapons!
-Okay, okay.
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"
Almost fainted.
What kills vampires?
-Stakes.
-Yeah.
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.
Did you think
this was my first vampire?
I'm a licensed security guard.
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.
I looked some stuff up
on Wikipedia.
- Oh.
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.
Sunlight. That burns them up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number
of windows to minimize
visual distractions
and maximize climate control
and security.
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,
that they're just fine?
-Good god, that's depressing.
-Yes, sir, it is.
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal
of immense proportions
in this van this morning.
Someone has violated
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.
They got your stereo, too.
-Oh, son of a bitch.
-Hey!
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... Okay, okay.
Listen, we need your help.
All right, this is
going to sound insane,
but the entire office
has been turned into--
Vampires, yeah.
-Did everybody know but me?
-Yeah, it seems that way.
--Oh, fuck!
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!
Max turned the fucking janitor.
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.
You're creating
a lot of dead bodies--
Yeah, you got blood.
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.
You got vans coming in
full of weapons.
-You got to clear that out.
-Okay, okay, I get it.
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.
-He's still a fucking asshole.
-Did you guys really not notice?
He turned me day one. I've been
a vampire this whole...
I-I chased you
through the cubicles.
Last night? That was you?
Um...
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...
Well, how about his?
That's,
that's scary, yeah.
-The teeth--
-Don't patronize me! God!
Do you even know my name?
-Janitor?
-Janitor.
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.
Wait, where?
In my--
Wikipedia did not mention that.
No, no, no.
Okay, okay, wait, wait.
This means that they can die,
all right?
You just need to find weapons.
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put Frank's weapons in...
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
unless you make a special
request,
but that's like 60 bucks.
Seriously?
God, this fucking company sucks.
I've got towels in my car.
Hi, we're the Phallusite
Corporation.
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
Meeting's canceled.
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.
Say what you want about Elaine,
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.
Bam-snap!
That's growing on me.
What?
-Bam-snap!
-Yeah!
Today, we become men.
-Or vampires.
-Or dead.
God, Frank,
what's wrong with you?
It's bull piss.
It's gonna beat your ass.
How many of those
do you drink a day?
As many as it takes.
Jeez, anyone that probably
takes a bite out of you
is going to be up for a week.
Okay, there's a lot of them.
Let's focus.
We get into Ted's office,
we grab Mandy,
-we get out of here.
-We got your back, Colonel.
Colonel Sanders.
Like the chicken guy.
I just got that.
All right,
vam time. Focus.
Okay, okay, okay.
No sudden movements, all right?
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.
-People call yet?
-No, not yet.
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.
That, that's the IT guy.
There's Marketing.
There's the Customer Service
Call center.
-I hired everyone in there.
-That is ironic.
Only if they eat us.
Tim.
What? Oh, did I jinx us?
My bad.
Sanders, what the hell
are you doing?
Have, have you lost your mind?
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea whats going on here.
-Now you're saying way too much.
-Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire
and he's turning every one
of your employees
from the janitor on up.
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting
in the parking garage.
-Bam-snap!
-AMANDA: Jesus Christ.
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?
You popped Jerry?
-Jerry.
-Jerry.
-That sounds familiar.
-That was... Yeah. Yeah.
-That was so embarrassing.
-I was like...
Did you just miss
the whole un-dead thing, sir?
Yeah.
God damn it,
I know they're vampires.
Uh, wait. What?
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?
-Tim!
-Uh, last quarter, 22415.
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.
Wait, you did this
intentionally?
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,
but you can't argue
with the results.
After your little stunt
in college!
The only school
that would take me
was this university in Romania.
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,
a whole new paradigm
in business management
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!
Evan, this company was sick.
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.
Video game tournaments
during office hours,
and look at your browser
histories.
-I know you watch porn all day.
-That was mainly mine.
At least now we have a future.
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.
What's that supposed to mean?
Max was gonna
fucking eat you.
I saw it in his files.
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.
-Oh.
-That makes sense.
You were going to force me out?
Hey, quick, while you still have
time, Ted. Fire this--
--Oh god!
It actually works.
He really did that.
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
-Hey, Mandy.
-His neck--
Have you not been listening
this entire time?
We are vampires.
That's what we do.
We get... Still sounds so weird
saying vampires.
So you just do it?
It's true. Amanda you got to
start working
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here un-undead.
Is that so?
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.
Oh.
-Okay.
-Okay?
Well, show yourselves out.
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.
-Bye, gang.
-Okay, yeah.
-See you guys.
-See you, man.
You got that? You got the door?
Back up. Back up!
Holy shit!
-Are all these people vampires?
-Yes, ma'am.
Mandy, I don't want to die
without telling you
how I really feel.
Well, then shut the fuck up,
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.
-So what now, Colonel?
-Honestly, I have no idea.
I never thought
we'd live this long.
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.
-Okay, I've got it.
-Oh, hey, Dave.
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.
-God damn it, Tim.
-Oops.
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.
Do you want me to, uh,
dive in?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.
Hair pulling?!
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
Oh, God! Your breath
smells like cat-food.
Oh, I don't like this
And I defended your hire.
-Does this happen every time?
-Yeah. Yeah, basically.
Not if you kill them
first, people.
Learn how to take the initiative
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.
This is about the story
as far as I--
Well,
now it's time to go to work.
AMANDA: Oh, shit.
Jesus,
those walls are thin.
So, my question is,
"When do you let your people
make their own mistakes
so that they can learn?"
and "when do you just jump in
and do the job yourself
because you're more efficient?"
-It's a balance to be sure.
-Yeah.
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.
I think I've re-injured my back.
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.
Sorry.
Whoa-ho-ho!
You know what?
That almost felt like--
Oh, come on.
Whoa! Did it just get dark?
Should we be intervening here?
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.
Oh, okay,
I'll just run an ad.
You fucker. Take that.
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?
Still, a good manager knows
when his staff
is getting overextended.
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?
Can I use your office?
This is just,
kind of flat out here.
Yeah, feel free.
Make yourself at home.
I know you rigged the raffle
to win the office trip to Cabo
this year.
That trip was mine!
You do not want to know
where that came from.
who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?
I'm not a vampire expert,
asshole.
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.
I'm saving it
for something else.
Why don't we ever go dancing?
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.
I hope you
and your dickhead pals
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge
with a thousand generations
of death.
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!
Eww.
I knew you were a good vampire.
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.
Well, what now, asshole?
Yeah, it looks like
you're fresh out of friends.
Nah, I'll make more.
Oh, that's a lot of blood!
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Are you secure?
-Not in the slightest.
Huh?
ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool.
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the UNC game.
Fucking Duke.
-You hungry?
-Yeah.
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.
--Yeah!
Oh, honestly, guys,
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?
No, not at first, but then it...
-Once we got going, it was...
-MAX: Oh, come on!
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company
without consulting legal first?
Oh, lawyers?
Amanda, a private word with you
in my office please.
Um, Amanda,
where are you going?
Uh, I don't
really know actually.
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college
without using
supernatural powers?
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro
when your school has a chance
at the Championships?
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.
You got to take the money
and run.
Evan, you can go home
for the day.
Frank, you can die.
It has been an honor
and a pleasure
to serve with you, Colonel...
But it's time we parted ways.
Any-who, I'm going to
turn you now.
I hope that's cool.
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.
No, no, no, Frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.
Literally. Literally, literally.
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.
You never know
if you're the kind of guy
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.
Man, that's intense.
Being a vampire is amazing.
We had a crazy vampire orgy
last night
It was mind-blowing.
Yeah, but I just got some
new golf clubs...
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you
for a meritorious service medal
when all this is over.
I'm not going to let you
stake me so...
Some pickle, huh?
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.
Come on! Come on, get him!
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about
to turn your girl
and fuck her on Ted's desk.
Sorry. My desk.
You fucking dick.
Amanda, you need to focus
on your job.
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires
we're going to need.
Oh, let's just get this
over with.
I'd rather die than listen
to your lame management style
any longer.
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.
That is disgusting. No.
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?
-Dreams?
-Yeah, that was bullshit.
We sell fear.
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.
Our customers are afraid.
Afraid that life
is passing them by,
which to be fair, it is.
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.
Because you are a coward.
I'm sorry?
Okay, option nine, I let you go
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.
No way, man.
A vamp's got to eat.
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?
Because you work together?
Because she earns more than you?
Roshambo?
Winner chooses our fate?
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
You didn't even have the balls
to quit
when this incompetent turd
passed you over
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the Earth.
You are so afraid of life.
And you actually
want to be sales manager
in this shithole.
Mandy!
We are trying
to have a conversation.
--No!
-Well, two out of three?
-Yeah.
One, two, three.
I am not going to change you.
That's right.
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job
now, until the day you die.
This suit is bespoke.
One, two, three.
sharing the desk
with the photo printer,
while I stay young
with the woman you love,
immortal at my side.
I'd rather fucking die first.
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it works.
Holy shit!
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.
Yeah.
You want this job? Then take it.
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
Oh, shit.
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.
I stand corrected. Yuk.
Hey.
Is all this Max's blood?
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.
Yeah.
Gross.
Yeah.
Hey, Frank?
Lost in the line of duty.
I really liked that guy.
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, another work day.
Bitchin'
EVAN: Is it weird
that I'm hungry?
TIM: Oh, I could eat.
AMANDA: Where do you guys
wanna go?
EVAN: Well, somewhere without
blood on it.
TIM: That rules out Denny's.
AMANDA: Have a pizza.
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?
Hey! Yeah.
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.
Oh, you could hear it?
Bastardo!
Welcome to the team.
My office in 10.