Bookworm (2024) Movie Script
["I'm a Drifter" playing]
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen
Every city and town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I've sat in the shade
Of an old apple orchard
Watch the big trucks
Rolling by
I've shared a grape soda
With a man from Dakota
And seen
A June bug
In July
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
I've seen
Every city and town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I've played basketball
Through the hoop of a barrel
And struggled to learn
How to swim
Though I sometimes think
Maybe I once was a baby
I only
Pretend
I was him
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen every city
And town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen
Every city and town
And I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me
Stranger will lower me
Down
Everything I do
Reminds me of you
Can't get you out of my life
I tried to forget
The night that we met
You keep nagging up
on my mind...
Come on.
Where are you?
Everywhere
No matter where I go
I just can't get away
Because I'm hung on you
Treat me bad
You're only using me
[cat meows]
[mysterious music playing]
[cat purring, meowing]
[Mildred] Oh, good cat.
Here we go.
[woman yelling] Mildred,
do you want something to eat?
[whispering] Mum, be quiet.
[beaded curtain rustling]
What, I can't hear you?
[Mildred] Can you
make me some toast?
Sure.
And I know
just how you like them.
Razor-sharp triangles,
no crusts?
Yeah, that's right.
One more thing, Mildred.
[Mildred] What? I'm in
the middle of something here.
What are the magic words?
[Mildred] Please.
Well, that's a magic word,
singular.
I want the magic words, plural.
Mum, I'm trying to catch Jonesie
in an intricate home-made trap.
Can this wait?
Sorry, why in the name
of buggery
are you trying to catch
our poor, sweet, innocent cat?
-Practice.
-[Mum] For?
For the Panthera Pardus
that's been haunting
our wilderness, of late.
You may know him
by his nom de plume,
The Canterbury Panther.
Panthera Pardus, nom de...
-[Mildred] Nom de plume.
-[Mum] Nom de plume.
You sure do know
a crap ton of words,
don't you, my girl?
I'm a card-carrying
bookworm, so...
Yes, I sure do know
a crap ton of words.
Mmm...
But do you know the magic words?
Mum!
Oh, come on, just say them,
and I'll go and get
your toast triangles.
I... love... you.
Go on...
With... all...
of my...
heart.
Was that so difficult?
Yes, actually, yes.
[scoffs]
[Mildred] It was.
[ominous music playing]
-[Jonesie meows softly]
-[Mildred whispers] Ha!
Yes, there we go, puss.
That's it.
Yes.
Come on, Jonesie.
And...
Dinner is served.
[trap snaps]
-[Mildred gasps]
-[rope thuds]
[Jonesie meows softly]
[metal objects clatter]
Ah!
-Jonesie?
-[Jonesie purrs]
[Mildred] Psh.
Great!
Mum?
[Mildred gasps]
If you sneak up on me again,
I will pee myself.
And you're gonna
have to clean it up.
[floorboard creaks]
Mum?
[Mildred whimpers]
Mum?
-[screams] Mum!
-[scream echoes]
[doctor] I have some good news,
and I have some bad news.
The bad news is you're gonna
need a new toaster.
Okay, that one's kaput.
The good news is
you're not gonna need a new mum.
Yay.
Hey, your toaster exploded.
I don't know what the odds
are of that happening.
But you know the button you push
when you start
the toasting process?
Well, that button was faulty.
And it gave your mum
quite the shock,
her body went all... jelly-like,
and she flew backwards,
and then her head hit the bench,
and then she fell into a coma.
A coma?
[doctor] Yeah, well,
she's not dead.
Okay, so don't worry about that.
But she's not
fully alive, either.
She's in this wonderful
dreamlike netherworld.
I know what a coma is.
Will she be okay?
Well, you listen
to me carefully,
okay, Mildred?
I'm not talking to you
as a doctor would to a child.
Alright?
I'm talking this soul...
to soul.
Will she be okay, yes or no?
Well ye-- [sighs]. Yes.
But she has what's called
a brain bleed.
Okay? So we're gonna need
to keep her in here
for at least a week,
until she stabilizes.
A week?
No-- She was supposed
to take me camping tomorrow.
I had it all worked out.
She finally took some time
off work. She promised.
The camping's gonna
have to wait,
I'm afraid, Mildred.
But first things first.
Where's your dad?
-[mysterious music playing]
-[aeroplane swooshing]
[doorbell ringing]
Hello.
I'm Strawn. Strawn Wise.
Mildred's biological father.
The magician.
Illusionist.
Magician sounds...
cheap. [chuckles softly]
[floorboards creaking]
[floorboards
creaking]
[floorboards creaking]
[floorboards creaking]
-Can I come in?
-Can I see some ID?
[Strawn] ID?
Yeah. It stands
for Identification Document.
I would love to show you
some ID, but there's a problem.
You see, you actually have it.
-I have it?
-[Strawn] That's right.
What'd ya mean, mate?
[in low tone] You have my ID.
I do? Where?
Just...
[chuckles softly]
I have to say.
Normally, I find magicians
skin-crawlingly embarrassing,
but you're actually half decent.
Access granted.
[Dotty] Oh, look, mate,
just so you know,
I didn't hug the girl.
Even though Lord knows
she needs one.
[Strawn gasps] I'm sorry, what?
[Dotty] Your daughter.
I specifically didn't hug her.
Why?
I've heard
so many horror stories, okay?
You can't be too careful
with other people's kids these
days... Touching them and...
Even hugs are a no-go.
Yeah, I... I guess so.
Right. I'm off.
Take care of the girl.
She's in there,
glued to a book, as always.
I'm next door on the right
if you need anything.
-Yeah, thanks.
-Okay.
-Hmm?
-No.
[breathes deeply]
[bells tinkling]
Mildred, it's me.
Strawn. Your dad.
I just flew
halfway across the world
to be with you, little lady.
And I'm sorry about your mom,
but she's gonna be okay.
It's official.
A licensed medical professional
has officially told you
she's officially
going to be okay?
Is that what you mean
by "official"?
Well... no, I... I mean,
she's gonna be okay.
[chuckles softly]
I'm sure.
Pretty sure.
Hey, do you want to see
something amazing?
I said, do you want to see
something amazing?
Will it take a long time?
-No.
-Fine.
Show me something amazing.
Go on. Pick a card.
Now, look at it.
Don't tell me what it is.
Put it back in the deck.
Alright.
Is this your card?
No.
[chuckles softly] Sorry.
It sounded like you said, "No."
It sounded like I said no
because I did indeed say, "No."
Okay.
-Is this your card?
-I'm afraid it's not.
[snickers] Okay.
Is that your card?
I can lie and say, "Yes,"
if it helps.
-This?
-[Mildred] No. Sorry.
-This?
-[Mildred] No.
-This?
-Look, it's okay--
-God damn it.
-Wait!
[finger snaps]
Now... Kindly, remove your jaw
from the floor and tell me.
Is that your card?
[clicks tongue] Right.
Before I get to whether
that is or isn't my card,
lemme get one thing straight.
Yeah. What's that?
[Mildred] Am I right in assuming
that you snuck around
to the back garden
to glue that card to the window
before scrambling back around
to ring the front doorbell?
No. [chuckles]
It's... It's called magic.
I use the power of magic.
Did you or did you not?
Come on.
I won't be angry with you.
I just... want you
to tell me the truth.
[scoffs]
Fine. Yeah, uh, yeah, okay.
But that is your card.
Right?
Wrong.
It is your card.
-It... is... not... my... card.
-[chuckles]
-Of course, it is.
-Fine.
I give up. It's my card.
Bravo, well done.
Spectacular magic trick.
Are you being sarcastic?
Hm.
Um, how about you
show me your room?
[pleasant music playing]
I can't say I spend much time
in 11-year-old girls' bedrooms,
but this isn't what I expected.
What did you expect?
A pink doll house?
Pictures of palaces
and unicorns and princesses?
Basically.
What was on your walls
when you were 11?
A lot of
David Copperfield posters.
[surprised] You like
David Copperfield?
Like? [scoffs] More like love.
Same.
I'm borderline obsessed
to tell the truth.
David Copperfield
was my life growing up.
Okay. So,
we have something in common.
It is a good start.
Yeah.
Really good start.
What are the odds of us having
the exact same favorite book?
Oh, no. I... I'm talking about
David Copperfield,
the illusionist from the 1990s?
Oh.
I am talking about
David Copperfield,
the Charles Dickens novel
from the 1840s.
Oh, I don't know what that is.
[clicks tongue] Guess
we don't have
anything in common, after all.
[inquisitive music playing]
What's this?
This...
is the Canterbury Panther.
You could say it's our version
of Bigfoot.
There's been sightings
for decades,
but no one's ever
caught definitive proof.
So, they're offering 50,000
for actual video evidence
of its existence.
I... I don't really know
New Zealand money yet.
Is that a lot?
Yes. It's a lot of money.
Money Mum and I
could really use right now.
[sighs]
She was supposed to take me
camping to search for it.
Oh, well.
I mean...
I could take you. Maybe?
[inquisitive music playing]
Really?
Sure.
Might help to take your mind
off of everything with your mum.
I mean, I don't know
the first thing about camping.
I've never been, but,
you know, maybe we could go.
Just... quickly?
Are you sure?
[ominous music playing]
[man shrieking]
Ah, you know,
now that I think of it,
I... I don't think
it's such a good idea.
We leave at first light.
[nervously] Mm-hmm.
[engine chugging]
[wind whooshing]
Hey, stick with me.
It'll be fine.
[Strawn] You know
where you're going, right?
["Tarot" playing]
Jet-white dove
Snow-black snake
Time has turned his face
From the edge of mystery
Where running is no race
Ageless night
Careless day...
[boy yelling] Hey!
Fate reaches out a hand...
-[boy] Hey there!
-Touch the edge of....
[boy] Hello!
[boy] Hey there!
A story with no end
Hey!
I know you.
You're Strawn Wise.
The magician, right?
-Illusionist. But, yes.
-[surprised chuckle]
I just knew it was you.
And who's this
cute little nipper?
That is my biological daughter,
Mildred.
Biological daughter. Is she?
Hi there, Mildred. I'm Reginald.
You look like a Reginald.
That name suits you.
You have a perfect
name-to-face correspondence.
[sighs in relief]
I used to watch
your show on the telly.
Oh! Thanks.
Thank you.
That really means a lot.
Yeah. I used to watch
after my night shift.
It was on at 4:00 am.
[Mildred] Real
prime-time stuff, then.
[Reginald] It's such a shame
we don't get it here anymore.
Nobody gets it anymore.
-What?
-It's no longer running
here or anywhere.
It was cancelled.
Halfway through the first
season, actually, so...
Yeah, I... I don't have
a show anymore.
Oh.
I guess the other guy
sort of hijacked
the spotlight a little bit.
Is that fair to say?
Who? David?
[Reginald] Yeah, yeah.
Never liked him, myself.
Seamed up his own arse,
from the looks of it.
Oh.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.
Can you still levitate?
I certainly can.
[chuckles softly]
What are you waiting for? Go on.
[Strawn] What?
Now? Here?
Yeah! Go on, Strawn.
Levitate for an old fan.
[mysterious music playing]
[Mildred] Is levitation
a lengthy process?
I'm asking because we've got
a lot of ground to cover today.
[Strawn] Okay!
I can feel the power,
specifically in my feet.
I'm talking about the power
of levitation, specifically.
[shrill, ominous music playing]
Oh.
Oh, that's mad.
Ah, is this actually happening?
I don't--
He's actually bloody levitating.
Yeah, no.
He's not levitating.
What do you mean?
He's put all his weight
on the ball of one foot
while lifting both
heels off the ground,
thus creating
the illusion of levitation
from your vantage point.
[Reginald] Oh, yeah.
You were right.
Cheers, Strawn.
Cheers
for single-handedly destroying
my belief in the power of magic.
Much appreciated, bruv.
Do you want an autograph?
Yeah, go on.
[melodious whistling]
[Strawn] You didn't have to,
you know,
shatter the illusion back there.
[Mildred] You were conning him
with fake magic.
It was painful to watch.
[Strawn scoffs] What?
[Mildred] You'll have to pardon
my bluntness.
I'm what's commonly referred to
as a "brutal realist".
[Strawn] A brutal realist
who actually believes
there's a real giant panther
out here.
[Mildred] Panthers exist.
Levitation doesn't.
That's the long and short of it,
I'm afraid.
[Strawn grunts]
[Mildred] Keep going.
Peanut butter and jelly.
What do you think?
Old Strawn's got some
sandwich-making skills?
Must be an American delicacy.
Can't say I'm a fan, myself,
but calories are calories,
and they're in short supply
out here.
You know,
you don't talk like a...
Like a normal child?
I know.
I wasn't going to put it
that way, exactly.
But, yeah.
My point is, you don't have
to dress everything up
to sound more sophisticated
than you are. [chuckles]
Yeah, says the magician
who insists
on being called an illusionist.
[mouthing]
I mean--
[melodious guitar playing]
[Strawn] So, how you
finding school?
Are you having a hard time?
[Mildred] Why would I
be having a hard time, Strawn?
-No, no, I didn't mean any--
-If you must know,
I'm top of my class.
Straight A's all the way.
I'm captain
of the netball team, and...
believe it or not,
I was officially voted
The Most Popular Girl In School
last winter.
Wow.
My boyfriend, Clarence,
Clarence Hargreaves,
is the dreamiest guy
in the entire school.
He looks like Hercules
and his hair smells
like apricot jam. [chuckles]
A hard... "A hard time"?
I have a hard time
staying away from the place.
School is like heaven for me,
academically, athletically
and socially.
What, really?
No, not really.
I despise school,
and everyone in it.
We're hemorrhaging daylight
faster than
I'm comfortable with.
Let's pick up
the pace, shall we?
[Strawn] What are the chances
of a mythical panther
popping up here?
[Mildred hums]
[flies buzzing]
[Strawn] Jesus!
[melancholic music playing]
-Do you think--
-[Mildred] Yes.
Yes, I do.
One false move out here, and...
that could be us.
He's here.
He's here and he's watching us.
[dramatic music playing]
[vegetation rustling]
Oh, God.
[twig snaps]
[both gasp]
Oh... sorry.
Not so mythical now, is it?
Huh-uh.
[Mildred] Come on.
[adventure music playing]
[pants]
[Mildred yells] Strawn!
Strawn?
Having fun?
Soaking it all in, aren't we?
Do you want me to help?
I thought you'd never ask.
[Strawn] What can I do?
[Mildred] You could
start a fire.
How does one... do that?
I'd give you a tutorial, but...
at present,
I'm kinda in the middle
of putting up our bloody tent.
I have an idea.
-[spark cracks]
-[Mildred gasps]
H... How did you--
It's called magic.
[popping]
Actually, it's called
a thumb flint.
An essential weapon
in any illusionist's arsenal.
[sighs]
I just realized
that I only brought one.
[owl hooting]
[Strawn] So...
How's your mom doing?
[Mildred] She's in
an induced coma,
hovering between life and death.
Thanks for asking.
No, I mean, apart
from the whole coma thing.
Just generally, how was she?
She talks too much,
works too much,
and has terrible taste in men.
No offense.
She means well, though.
She tries her best,
but you could say
she's struggling.
I... I don't--
Her sister, my aunt,
is afflicted with the old,
substance-abuse nonsense.
No, it's not fair.
It's not nonsense.
It's a disease.
Anyway, Mum took out
a whole bunch of loans
to put her through rehab.
Now...
She's deep in the hole.
Fifty-thousand-deep.
Jesus.
Why'd you think I'm on the hunt
for this panther?
The reward is 50k,
for a video of the thing.
Problem solved, right?
Mum will be off the hook
and not having to juggle
three stupid jobs.
Plus, you know...
I do really want to see
a great, big, giant panther.
Mm.
Right.
I don't know about you,
but I am bloody zonked.
Before we go in,
can I make one thing
perfectly clear?
What's that?
I know you have a belly
full of beans.
But this tent...
is a fart-free zone.
Clear?
Clear.
[Strawn] I'm sorry things
never worked out with your mom.
I did ask her
to stay with me in Vegas
when she told me she was...
When you...
When she was pregnant, you know.
I did offer,
but... she wanted to stay here.
I don't want you to think
that I... I didn't want you
or anything like that.
It's just...
It's a lot.
I only met your mom once,
for a couple of hours.
[sighs]
It's such
a complicated situation.
You're not
the average child, so...
I feel like I can say...
Good night, Mildred.
You're not really asleep,
are you?
Good night, Strawn.
[fart rips]
[fart squeaks]
I'm so sorry.
[dry leaves rustling]
-[twigs snapping]
-[leaves rustling]
[loud roar]
[low growling]
[Mildred] Hm...
Jesus.
What? What is it?
I heard a creepy sound.
Am I still dreaming
or did a 42-year-old man
really just wake up
an 11-year-old girl
to tell her that he heard
a creepy sound in the night.
I'm sorry.
Never mind.
Go back to sleep.
[ominous music]
[stream trickling]
[birds tweeting]
[Strawn grunts]
[groans]
-[Mildred] Good morning, Strawn.
-Yeah.
Sleep well?
Not really.
My stomach feels
weird and bubbly.
I know. I'm super excited, too.
Get some caffeine in you
and let's move.
You know...
You can call me "Dad."
Why would I do that?
Most daughters
call their dads "Dad."
Most daughters see their dads
more than once a decade.
Maybe one day,
you'll actually call me dad.
-[reverberations]
-[bells tinkling]
And maybe one day,
you'll actually do a magic trick
that impresses me.
[uplifting music playing]
What is it?
We're gonna
have to find shelter.
It's gonna rain very heavily
and very soon.
[Strawn] What?
The sky looks fine.
[Mildred] What's missing?
-[Strawn] Clouds?
-[Mildred] Birds, Strawn.
They make themselves scarce
before a good old downpour.
[chuckles] I think
you're mistaken.
I'm pretty confident
that it's not gonna rain.
[rain pattering]
[Strawn] So, do you go
camping a lot?
[Mildred] This is my first time.
[Strawn] What?
I've always asked Mum
to take me,
but, you know what she's like.
Actually, you don't.
I forgot.
She's got me wrapped
in cotton wool.
And bubble wrap.
Barely even lets me play
in the backyard.
Still wants to walk me
to school, you know.
Does wonders for my social life,
as you can imagine.
Does she ever talk about me...
Why would she do that?
[chuckles dryly]
She's gonna be okay, you know.
She's in good hands.
It's... It's alright...
to be scared.
It's normal.
[Mildred] So...
what does
the average working day
for an illusionist look like?
Well, um, I do appearances.
Parties.
Actually, last week,
I just did a major celebrity's
birthday party.
Wow.
[chuckles]
You know, you could try being
a little bit more respectful.
I'm sure I could.
I just can't promise I will.
[Strawn] I work hard, you know,
providing for you and your mom.
[Mildred] Levitation
and card tricks?
Back-breaking stuff, I'm sure.
[Strawn] What I do is both
physically and mentally
exhausting.
My wrist strength is equivalent
to that
of a professional wrestler.
You think it's easy, making
a hundred balloon animals
for Vin Diesel's kids?
Balloon animals.
And they say air traffic
controllers have stressful jobs.
And what the hell
is a Vin Diesel?
Only the lead of the greatest
franchise in film history.
Well, anyway, whatever,
people need magic
in their lives.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best
not to punch you in the goolies.
What did I ever do to you? Huh?
Why are you angry with me?
Wha... What is this?
Oh, you really want
to have this conversation,
right here, right now?
Um...
I don't know.
-No. Maybe not.
-[vegetation rustling]
Yeah, let's not...
-What?
-Don't move.
[vegetation rustling]
Stay completely still.
Is this just a trick so you can
punch me in the "goolies"?
No.
[growl]
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Mildred whispers] Strawn,
listen to me.
Do not, I repeat, do not move.
-[mumbles] It's the--
-[Mildred] Panther.
[whispers] It's the panther.
[Strawn whispers] What do we...
what do we do?
[Mildred] Shh.
-[panther growls]
-[Mildred] Just be quiet.
-Panthers kill people.
-I said be quiet.
Well, why wouldn't it kill us?
[Mildred] Because, A,
it hasn't seen us yet.
And B, we're going to stay
very still,
very quiet and very calm.
[Mildred gasps]
[panther snorts, roars]
That's not good, is it?
-Umm
-Do we run?
Think you can outrun a panther?
I don't know. Can I?
[Mildred] No, Strawn.
No, you can't.
At least, there's water
between us.
Cats hate water, right?
Panthers are exceptional
swimmers, actually.
-And what do we do?
-We stay still.
We don't move
and we don't make a sound.
[panther growls mildly]
[panther growls softly]
[bushes rustling]
[both sigh]
[shivers]
[Strawn mumbles]
[Mildred sobs]
[whispers] Mum, if you can
hear me, it's going to be okay.
I promise.
P.S. I love you
with all of my heart.
There. Happy?
Mildred... [gasping]
Did you get the footage?
I got it. I got the bugger.
[Strawn pants]
How are you holding up?
[wheezes]
That was... a close encounter.
Of the fifty-thousandth kind.
[laughs nervously]
[Strawn pants]
[panther growling]
[Strawn] Mildred, look.
Sorry.
For being an absent father?
What? No, I... I mean,
for doubting you
about the panther.
And for the whole
absent-father thing, too.
Sorry for that.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
threatening to punch you
in the goolies.
It was rude and uncalled for.
And pretty Freudian,
when you think about it.
Uh, not to change the subject,
but you're getting eaten alive.
[mosquito buzzes]
You know, most people
just squash the buggers.
Yeah, not... not me.
I'm not a murderer.
Uh, always used to make me feel
guilty as a kid, killing bugs.
Made me sad
thinking about their babies
wondering where they went.
-What?
-Don't move.
What?
You've got a weta
on your shoulder.
-[Strawn] What, a weta?
-[Mildred] A weta.
[ominous music playing]
[yelps]
God, what the hell is that?
What the hell is that? [screams]
Think its babies will wonder
where it went?
[pants heavily]
Mum said
you used to be on telly.
You were some big-shot magician.
But then another big-shot
magician came along
and you became
a small-shot magician.
Oh. David Blaine.
We used to be friends.
Until he stabbed me in the back.
He stabbed me and he stabbed me.
And he stabbed me.
[scoffs]
We met doing illusions
in the streets of New York.
[indistinct chatter
in background]
Became inseparable.
He was like a big brother to me.
We both landed our own TV shows.
Him first, then me.
His show was called
Street Magic.
Mine was called
Twizted Illusions.
The "s" and Twizted was a "z".
Twizted?
One day, we were
riding through Central Park
in a horse-drawn carriage.
[horse neighs in background]
We were both wearing
burgundy velvet shorts.
I told him I had a series
of TV specials planned.
[indistinct speech
in background]
I had the whole
thing worked out.
I talked him through it.
"I'll be buried alive
for a week in Central Park."
The very park
we were riding through.
[Strawn speaking in background]
"Then I would be frozen in
the block of ice for 72 hours."
"Next, I would stand on top
of a tall pillar for 35 hours."
-[horse neighs]
-[man laughs]
He just laughed at me.
Said I was crazy.
"Nobody could pull
off one of these stunts,
let alone all three."
And then, the greasy little worm
goes and pitches my ideas,
like they're his own.
Signs a... a contract
worth millions
and starts ignoring my calls.
So, I go and confront
the bastard.
He's at this
shark-themed bar in Vegas.
He's there with all his
new showbiz buddies.
A few names
you may have heard of.
DiCaprio, Maguire,
Faustino, Haas, Tip.
As in Q-Tip.
-The celebrated rapper.
-Okay.
They're all wearing
backwards baseball caps.
And these black baggy suits
with one pant leg rolled up.
Like an inside joke,
or a ritual, or something.
Anyway, I...
I go to talk to David.
You know, ask him,
why he did that to me,
after everything
we've been through.
You know what he did?
He just smiles at me,
and slowly poured his drink
over my head.
And then, they all just start
barking at me.
Like dogs.
Barking. Barking.
And barking.
[imitates barking]
And David was barking
the loudest.
His face was all red and sweaty.
His lips were [panting]
turning blue.
It's like he was having
a seizure or something.
And what did you do?
What I always do
when I see something scary.
Ran away.
As fast as I could,
as far as I could.
Next thing I know,
I'm in the desert,
on my knees, throwing up.
I can see little pieces
of squid tentacle in my vomit.
It's the last thing I remember.
The next few months
are kind of a blur.
Anyway, I...
moved back in
with my mom for a while.
I just couldn't do much.
A year later, I...
I started... [sighs]
piecing things back together
again.
You know, card tricks
on the streets,
booking gigs, parties.
And somewhere
in the middle of all of this,
you met my mum.
I met your mom.
Yeah.
[Mildred] I found
her secret diary once.
It said that she met you
on a girls' trip to Vegas.
Says I was conceived
in the parking lot
of a convenience store.
That's not really true, is it?
Yeah.
They say, "Romance is dead."
You're wrong about
one thing, though.
[Strawn] What's that?
You don't run away
from every scary thing.
You sure about that?
I mean...
You're here, aren't you?
You flew halfway
across the world to...
look after a kid
you've never met.
And in the wilderness, to boot.
Maybe you have a backbone
after all.
Thank you.
Now, let's get some sleep,
shall we?
["Seasons Come and Seasons Go"
playing]
Dogwood blossoms
Float against
The ice-encrusted creek bank
A tender blade
Of new green grass
Is bravely pushing upward
Through the melting snow
The spring breathes
Ruffles through my hair
And whispers
Softly everywhere
Telling secrets in my eyes
Search the countryside
For your hello
The seasons come
The seasons go
Lightning darts
Among the pines
Caught in a summer rainstorm
Soaking wet I look upon
The new plowed earth
With rivulets
Between each row
I almost feel you next to me
And it stirs a memory
That hangs suspended
With a sigh
And gently weaves its way
Through my bedroom window
The seasons come...
[laughing]
The seasons go
[Strawn] Hey!
That was like six skips.
-[Mildred] Yeah.
-Alright, ready?
[man and woman yelling] Kia ora!
Father and daughter,
on a wee trek
hiking the beautiful
wilderness in New Zealand.
Is this what I'm seeing here?
-Yeah.
-Course, it is.
Hi, I'm...
I'm Arnold and this is my
beautiful wife, Angelina.
Long-suffering missus.
[chuckles]
I'm Strawn.
And this is my biologi--, uh,
[clicks tongue]
M-- my daughter, Mildred.
Ooh. A real American person, eh?
Yeah. I guess I am.
[Angelina] I've never met
a real American before.
I mean I've watched
lots of American soap operas,
though.
[chuckles] It's all
she does all day,
watch those bloody
American soap operas.
They can be addictive.
That's why they end
with cliffhangers.
It's to make you desperate
to see the next episode.
It's to make you watch
commercials, basically.
That's how TV works.
It's sort of shameful.
I mean, there should
be laws against it.
It's disgusting.
So, uh, you enjoying
New Zealand?
I... I quite like it. I think.
Well, we're heading down
to those,
you know, the big rocks
where they made the movie
where Liam Neeson
was the talking lion?
-[Strawn] Oh.
-[Arnold] Why don't you join us,
I could do with some
grown-up conversation.
So could I.
So, tell me everything.
What's it like growing
up in America?
I'd love to tell you,
but since I've never
set foot on American soil,
I don't have a bloody clue.
But your dad...
He lives there. I live here.
Don't you want
to live there with him?
I mean, if I was a kid,
much rather grow up in America
than boring old New Zealand.
Let's see.
I don't like assault rifles.
I don't like high-fives.
I don't like corn syrup.
I don't like people who say,
"buddy", or "hell, yeah."
And I despise the word "dude"
with every atom of my being.
I'm not sure America
has much to offer me.
[chuckles uneasily] You don't--
Talk like a normal child?
-I know.
-[chuckles]
[Arnold] So, what's your trade?
[Strawn] I'm an illusionist.
Illusionist? What, like,
like a magician?
-Yeah.
-Like David Blaine?
Oh, man. I adore him.
Like, he is literally magical.
Don't you think?
Like, nothing comes close.
Nothing even comes close
to close to him.
-Don't you think?
-Yeah.
What about you?
Me? I'm a...
I'm a heart surgeon.
Yeah. I don't mean
to toot my own trombone,
but I'm in the top five
heart surgeons
in the whole of Oceania.
Wow.
I think I'm actually
impressed by that.
A lot of people are, you know?
And so they should be,
It's an impressive job to have,
isn't it?
Like, literally, I save lives.
If somebody was dying
and I end up being there,
I save their life.
So, if anything...
I'm the magician round here.
[both chuckle]
No offense.
[Mildred and Angelina
laughing loudly]
-[Angelina] Good one.
-[both laugh]
[Mildred] Um...
[indistinct chatter]
She's really good with kids, eh?
Yeah. Well, some people are.
Some people aren't.
[Arnold chuckles softly]
[thunder rolling at a distance]
Listen, mate, there's something
I wanted to say to you.
What's that?
You've got to promise, you...
are going to be cool, calm
and collected about it, eh?
Chillin'' like Bob Dylan.
Promise?
Sure, yeah, I promise.
What is it?
I've kidnapped your daughter.
[Strawn laughs]
[laughing] Excuse me?
You see,
I know it doesn't look
like a conventional kidnapping.
But a kidnapping
is exactly what it is.
[Strawn chuckles nervously]
I... I don't understand.
Well...
She's in my custody.
And I'm going to make
some demands of you.
And if those demands aren't met,
she stays in my custody.
Until I, uh, cut her loose.
'Cause let's be honest,
that's a lot of dead weight to
be carrying around this terrain.
Especially with my bad back.
[laughing]
Sorry, no filter.
So, um...
In case you get any funny ideas,
just like you to know that, um,
I'm a black belt in karate.
[scoffs]
Are you really?
Yes I am really.
I don't believe you.
Well, you should believe me.
Then do a karate move.
I'm not some dancing monkey boy.
-I don't do moves on demand.
-Because you don't know karate.
Right.
I'm not doing any moves.
But I'll show you something.
Have a look at that
and commit that to memory.
#There it is.
A belt.
What color is it?
It's black.
That's correct.
The belt is black.
As in black belt.
As in...
I can karate the living shite
clean out of you.
And if I choose
to karate the living
shit clean out of you, I will.
If you mess me about it.
Capisce?
Mm-hmm.
Alright.
Let's get down
to the nitty-gritty
of what I want from you.
What do you want from me?
Well, your valuables.
[scoffs] You can't be serious.
As serious as
cancer-rhythm-is-a-dancer,
my friend.
Have you ever had
a blood transfusion?
What? Yeah.
Well, see this as
a bag transfusion.
[Arnold claps]
You transfer
the contents of your bag
into my bag.
[chuckles sarcastically]
Okay?
So why don't we start
with the mobile phone?
Or as you yanks like to call it,
your "cellular"?
Come on.
Do I need to remind you
that a black belt in karate
has kidnapped your daughter?
Thanking you.
Uh, passcode, please.
Okay, please.
You don't need the--
Passcode?
It's the year I was born.
Hey, just please don't look
at any of the photos.
Okay, that's all I ask.
[Arnold chuckles softly]
I wasn't going
to look at the photos.
But now you mentioned it--
No, no, no.
Please, please don't.
[Arnold] Ooh!
You're a strange little man,
aren't you?
You do know there's a pump
you can get for that,
and apparently it works?
Mm-hm.
Okay. Camera?
Please.
Please. Don't do this.
This is my daughter's.
It means a lot to her.
Yeah, and it'll mean
a lot to me too.
[Strawn grunts]
But I'll call the cops.
I know your names.
[chuckles] What, um...
Arnold and Angelina?
Have a wee think.
Where have you heard
those names before?
I...
Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Angelina Jolie?
And what do they have in common?
[Strawn] They're...
[both] Actors.
[Arnold] And what do actors do?
They...
pretend to be other people.
[Arnold laughs teasingly]
I... I know your job.
You're one of the leading
heart surgeons.
You're not a heart
surgeon, are you?
No.
Well, I know what you look like.
The... the cops will do
a composite sketch.
I'll just go home, cut my hair,
shave off my beard,
and nobody will recognize me.
What about Angelina?
She'll shave her beard off too.
Anyhoo. Wallet. Come on.
Grazie.
Angelina, darling.
[indistinct talking]
Well.
-I think you can finish this.
-Yeah.
I'll see what those two
are up to.
[Arnold humming] Goodbye.
We all done here?
[Arnold] Yeah, it was quite
a painless operation.
[Arnold and Angelina giggle]
Ooh. Nice rod.
-There you go.
-Mm.
Bet ya that's the first time
a woman's ever said that to you.
[Angelina laughs]
Please don't take that.
It's my daughter's.
My nephew is desperate
for a fishing rod.
That's his
birthday present's sorted.
Thanks.
Grab their matches and map.
-That'll slow 'em down.
-[Arnold giggles maliciously]
You are a criminal
mastermind, my love.
[both giggle maliciously]
[Arnold] Wanna show you
something.
I used to charge
my mates at school,
a dollar a time to see this.
-[Strawn grunts]
-[Arnold laughs]
You don't want to see
what he used to charge
two bucks to see.
What if I come after you, huh?
[Angelina] Aw. [chuckles]
You just don't seem
like the type.
[both chuckle]
You want me to get this?
Yeah.
[Arnold and Angelina] Kia ora!
[both giggle]
[huffs]
[pants]
[Mildred] Hey, where'd they go?
Hey!
[Mildred pants]
Not to get mushy, but...
today's been a bloody great day.
I have to tell you something.
You're gonna get mushy, too?
You have to promise
that you'll stay...
[voice breaking] cool,
calm and collected.
You promise?
Yes. Okay, I promise.
They robbed us.
-Pardon me?
-They kidnapped you.
Yeah. Good one, Strawn.
Very funny.
Seriously, where'd they go?
They held you to ransom.
They took my phone,
my wallet, the map, the matches,
fishing rod...
the camera.
I... I know it didn't feel like
a kidnapping,
but that's what just happened.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
[sobs]
They took everything.
The camera,
the proof, everything.
And... you just let them?
-I--
-Just...
You just handed it over
on a silver platter.
I'm so sorry.
Do I need to remind you
that that camera footage
was going to save Mum and me
from becoming another
depressing welfare statistic?
It was going to save our lives.
You hate me, don't you?
I actually can't even
put into words
how much hate
I feel towards you right now.
You know what?
I can't stand the sight of you.
Your idiotic nail polish.
And your crap,
low-budget TV-magician clothes.
And your greasy, ratty hair
and these big, dumb,
dopey donkey eyes.
You know what?
You need to move
away from me right now--
What was I supposed to do?
-He was a karate master.
-Move...
away... from...
me... now.
Mildred, be serious.
Like, 20 paces.
Like we're in a duel. Go!
That wasn't 20 paces.
That was, like, 11 paces.
And I can still see you.
Like a greasy smudge
on the world.
Bugger off, further.
[Strawn] It all makes sense now.
What makes sense?
Why you don't have
any friends at school.
Why your mother never
wants to take you camping.
Excuse me?
[Strawn] You know,
this entire trip,
you've been nothing
but a grade-A D-bag.
Yeah? Well, it takes one,
to know one, doesn't it?
A pretentious, prickly runt.
I know you are.
You said you were.
So, what am I?
You're an asshole.
Twenty paces? You know what?
Let's make it 50.
You know? Screw that.
A hundred and fifty paces.
One, two, three, four,
[voice fades]
five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve...
thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, sixteen...
119, 120, 121, 122...
123... [pants]
You can never do anything right.
Ungrateful.
[indistinct whispering]
Mildred!
[whispering continues]
[loud whooshing]
Hello?
Oh! [gasps]
[deep growling]
[growling]
[screaming]
Hello!
[voice echoes]
[footsteps thudding]
What's the matter,
Mr. Twizted Illusions?
Got scared in the big,
dark, spooky stones?
No.
[sighs]
Yeah. Okay, I did.
I got lost.
I hurt my ankle.
And I heard some weird sounds.
That made me very uncomfortable.
[scoffs] Listen to me.
We have two options.
Yeah? And they are?
Live or die.
It really is that simple.
Now, don't know about you,
but I would quite like to live.
And I plan on getting
that 50 grand back too.
With or without you.
We are days away from anywhere.
We have no food, no map,
no fishing rod, no matches.
-They took--
-[Mildred] Everything.
I know. They took everything.
So? What now?
Are you familiar with
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
Abraham Maslow, 1943,
The Hierarchy of Needs.
At the base of the pyramid,
fundamental human needs,
the very foundations
of survival,
warmth, shelter, food and water.
Shelter, we have.
Warmth, we have.
All things considered, we're off
to a pretty good start.
Now, as calories
are in short supply,
I suggest we make camp...
by that lake down there.
We'll have food and water
on our doorstep.
We can plot our next move
from there with clear heads
and full bellies.
Now, tell me, Strawn,
Can you whittle?
Can I what?
[melodious music playing]
[grunts]
[birds cawing]
Keep going.
You're getting there.
[smiles nervously]
[Mildred] Come... on...
-Get back, I've got this.
-You sure about that?
[Mildred] Yes,
I'm sure about that.
I've read all about it.
What, just cause you
read about it doesn't mean you--
Silence. I need to concentrate.
Go and whittle.
How did you...
It's called magic.
The thumb flint.
"An essential weapon
in any illusionists arsenal."
Found a spare one.
[Strawn] Oh.
Christ.
Sorry. Guess I'm not
very good at whittling.
[Mildred] No, I didn't
think you would be.
That's why I asked you to do it.
What?
I wanted to give you something
to occupy your mind,
to focus on.
It's worked.
You've calmed down, haven't you?
We're still stranded out here.
And... voila!
Oh.
I'm going in.
[scoffs] What?
What, you really think you're
gonna be able to catch a--
[Mildred squeaks]
[excited laugh]
Look at this great big bugger!
[both] Mmm.
[Strawn mumbles, laughs]
[Mildred clears throat]
[In British accent]
Fancy a spot of tea, old chap?
Oh.
God, I would kill
for a cup of tea.
Well.
Piper Excelsum.
Known around these parts
as Kawakawa.
Kawakawa?
It has powerful
anti-septic properties.
And it happens to taste
scrump-diddly-umptious too.
Sling that down your gullet.
That's good. Really good.
[Mildred] Mm.
You know, Strawn?
I don't think less of you.
[Strawn] W... What?
That's what you're thinking,
isn't it?
That you... failed to be a man.
You crapped the bed
as a protector.
And your weakness put us
in grave danger.
And now, we're two
of the 8,000 people
who go missing
in New Zealand every year.
All because you're weak.
And naive.
And you refuse
to call to action.
Like a coward.
Is that what you really think?
No. No, that's what
I think you think.
[Strawn] What part
of it isn't true?
[scoffs]
God, I really messed
this up, didn't I?
I let him take everything.
I let him...
I just handed it to him
on a silver platter.
Just like you said.
You're talking about
Arnold or David Blaine?
Sorry.
[sighs] Look.
We lost it all.
It's a kick in the head,
no doubt.
But we've got grub our guts,
air in our lungs,
and somewhere cozy to sleep.
We're not done yet, mate.
No way.
No flying way.
Mildred.
Yeah?
I'll look after you.
[melodious guitar music plays]
[Mildred] Ooh!
See these
black and green mushrooms?
Yeah.
Well, if we ever get separated,
don't ever eat those.
Why? What happens?
Full-body numbness,
hallucinations, possible nausea,
and projectile vomiting.
Ooh. Sounds fun.
I'm obviously kidding.
Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad.
Drugs tear families
and communities apart.
[Mildred] Ah, here we go.
Pleurotus Parsonsaie.
Velvet oyster mushrooms.
I've always wanted to try these.
Why? Looks disgusting.
You know what looks disgusting?
The corpses that have succumbed
to starvation in the wilderness.
Dead people.
Hey. What is it?
Mildred, you okay?
I have to tell you something.
It'll change the way
you look at me,
forever, probably, but...
I have to say it.
Okay.
I used to wish...
...my mum would just disappear.
I'd... lie awake at night,
just hoping
that she wouldn't be there
when I woke up.
And you'd come.
[sniffles]
And you'd understand me.
You'd really understand me.
Like she never could.
[sniffles] We'd do
things together.
All the things
that Mum is too afraid to do.
Like, go camping.
Hunting.
Fishing.
You know?
Stuff of adventures.
And... [sniffles]
maybe my wish did come true.
But in the wrong ways.
[sniffles]
I...
I don't want my mum to go now.
I don't want her to go.
[sobs]
[sniffles]
And as for you understanding me,
[sniffles, sobs]
Here, have a tissue.
[chuckles]
[melodious music playing]
[heart monitor beeping]
Is this what you wanted?
Toast!
[breathes rapidly]
Hey. What is it?
What is it?
I had a bad dream and...
And now I need to go wee.
I don't want to go on my own.
Yeah. Okay.
Let me get my boots.
[yawns]
[faint, indistinct chatter]
[indistinct argument]
[Arnold] ...are supposed to
bring us together...
...but at the moment,
all I want to be is a million
bloody miles away from you.
[Strawn gasps loudly]
-It's them.
-Who?
Who'd you think?
The buggers who kidnapped me,
took our belongings,
left us for dead,
think you'd remember them?
What should we do?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Obvious?
No, it's not obvious.
In fact, it's very far
from obvious.
Hey. Where are you going?
[indistinct argument]
-Wait here.
-Wha--
[Angelina] You snogged my sister
and I'm supposed
to just let it go.
[Arnold] How many times
do I got to tell ya...
[Angelina] ...but you just
put your head in the sand
and think
everything's gone away.
Go away.
Just ignoring everything.
-When we have to talk--
-Shut up, woman, for God's sake.
Just let it go. Please.
-All night.
-Let it go?
You've been at me all night.
[Angelina] You've snogged
my sister.
You want me to just let it go.
Number one.
It was five years ago.
-[Arnold] Can you not let it go?
-[Angelina] My sister.
-[Arnold] Number two...
-[Angelina] My sister!
[Arnold] ...I was drunk.
She was drunk.
[Arnold] Number three.
She was terrible in bed,
her breath stunk...
Being an adult...
You know, I mean...
Relationships are just
so damn complicated.
Shh. Just listen.
[Angelina] ...vomit-flavored
stick...
[Arnold] All I want to do
is just get some sleep.
Please. I beg you.
[Angelina] Yeah. Sweet dreams.
[Arnold] Ah, shut up, woman.
Wait. You're not seriously gonna
grab our stuff, are you?
I'm seriously going
to grab our stuff.
Okay. Here's the plan.
I'm going to grab their bag
and I'm gonna toss it to you.
Just like a rugby ball.
Then we're both just
going to sprint up to our tent.
-Yeah?
-What?
And lead them straight
back to our headquarters?
Oh, yeah.
You're totally right.
Okay.
I'm going to run up
to that high ground there.
What if they catch us?
-They won't.
-Why?
'Cause I'm gonna
throw their boots
into the bush and snap
the tent zipper off.
Okay. That's officially
the craziest thing
I've ever heard.
I know. I'm bloody jazzed, too.
[loud snoring]
[clicks tongue] Okay.
Hear that?
They're snoring already.
We need to move
with maximum speed
and maximum stealth.
Go. Go. Go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
-[Mildred] No, no, no.
Jesus!
[loud snoring]
[zipper creaks]
[tense music]
Shh... shh.
-[metal clicks]
-[Arnold] Ah.
-[Arnold] What's going on?
-[Mildred] Go, Go!
Intruders!
You thieving swines!
I'm gonna kill youse!
I'll kill you! Ah!
[Arnold screams]
Get them, Jethro.
[Angelina]
It's our property now!
[Strawn yells, pants]
Come here, boy.
I'll kill youse! Kill ya!
[Arnold] That's my stuff!
-He's going to catch us!
-No, he's not.
How can you be sure?
Look at the ground!
[Arnold] Come back here!
-[twig snaps]
-Ah... Ah.
[both chuckling]
Here!
[both laugh]
Ah!
[whimpers]
[sobs loudly]
Ah! [sobs]
[both pant]
[Arnold wailing at a distance]
[Mildred] Ooh.
[wind whooshing]
[Arnold howling at a distance]
[Arnold yells] Listen,
you muppets!
It wasn't personal before,
but it's really personal now!
Ohh, I've made
a catastrophic blunder.
[Strawn] What? Why?
I appeared to have led us...
[water rushing]
to a cliff-edge.
[Strawn] Oh.
[dispiriting music]
Um...
Well...
I guess we could hide out.
And slowly make
our way back to camp.
We need to make sure
we've still got the proof.
-Get the camera.
-Right.
Here.
[camera clicks on]
[Arnold] Okay.
[Arnold] Okay, Darling.
Looking great.
[Arnold and Angelina laugh]
That's it, lovely,
give me a bit more hair.
How's that?
[Arnold] Oh, you
look beautiful. Just now...
Flick it, flick it
like your sister.
[Arnold mumbles]
What did you say?
[Arnold] I said,
flick your hair.
What?
They recorded over it.
[sniffles]
And they drained
the bloody battery.
[Strawn] Fifty grand.
Gone again.
Strawn?
We may have some more
pressing issues right now.
What could possibly
be more pressing than this?
Oh, this is definitely
more pressing.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
He looks hungry. They get bold
when they're hungry.
Maybe there's some
food in their bag.
Reach in slowly and have a look.
[panther growls]
-[Mildred] Anything?
-Huh, huh.
Let's see if they like
ham sandwiches.
[Arnold grunts]
[panther growls]
[sniffs, snorts]
[panther growls]
All right, come on.
We gotta move.
[Mildred whimpers]
[panther roars]
-[panther snorts]
-No!
Um, can panthers climb ropes?
[growling intensifies]
No, they can't.
[yells] Alright, get on.
Go, go, go, go.
[Mildred screams, pants]
-[Mildred yells]
-Don't stop moving.
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn whimpers]
Nice kitty!
-[panther roars]
-[screams]
[intense music playing]
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn] Just keep going.
Don't stop!
[Strawn whimpers]
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn screams]
[panther roars]
He's trying to tear the rope!
[Mildred whimpers]
-[Mildred whimpers]
-[Strawn screams]
[Mildred yells]
[Mildred] Ah!
[Strawn] We're gonna make it.
Ow. Ow, my hands hurt.
I can't hold on.
-You can do it.
-[Mildred] Ah.
Keep going.
Ow!
[Strawn grunts]
I can't do it.
Yes, you can. You got this.
[grunts]
[Mildred cries out]
[Strawn] You've got it,
it's okay.
Ah!
[screams]
I'm coming.
[Strawn grunts]
Now, hold on!
-[rope snaps]
-[Mildred screams]
[Strawn] No, no, no, no, no.
[both] No!
[Mildred] Help me!
[screams] Help!
-[Mildred] Strawn!
-I'm coming.
-[Mildred screams]
-[Strawn] Mildred!
[Mildred] I'm slipping.
Don't let go.
[Mildred yells] No!
[Strawn] No, no, no!
Hold on!
Strawn! Help!
[Strawn] Mildred!
[Strawn grunts]
[both scream]
-[Strawn grunts]
-Don't let go!
-[Strawn] Ah, I got you.
-[Mildred screams] No!
I got you. Look at me.
-Don't let it--
-Mildred!
-Mildred, look at me.
-Don't...
Wrist strength
of a professional wrestler.
Remember?
[whimpers]
Now, just stay calm.
When you're ready,
I want you to...
-[Mildred screams]
-[panther roars]
[both scream]
-[Strawn grunts]
-[Mildred] No!
[both scream]
[panther growls]
[shrill whistle]
[dogs barking at a distance]
[rumbling]
[howling]
-[dogs barking]
-[thunder clapping]
[Strawn grunts]
Mildred.
[grunts]
Ah!
[Mildred screams]
[Strawn] Ah!
[Mildred screaming loudly]
Mildred!
[Mildred screams]
Strawn, help me,
help me, please!
Oh, God!
[screams] Don't move it.
-[gasps]
-[Mildred screams in pain]
-[Strawn] Jesus.
-Help!
It's gonna be okay, Mildred.
You're gonna be fine.
[shivers] Mushrooms.
Huh?
Why are you talking
about mushrooms?
For the pain.
Please.
Right. Yeah.
[sobs and cries out]
-[Strawn] Come on. Come on!
-[Mildred screaming at distance]
Ha!
Oh, damn it.
-Uh...
-[Mildred] Strawn!
Ah. Screw it!
[grunts]
[screams]
I got all of them.
Um, which ones?
Green and... Green and black.
This? Are you sure?
Yeah.
Hold my hand.
I'm so... so sorry.
Mildred?
[faint, indistinct voice]
[Strawn] Wake up.
Hey there.
Welcome back.
Feel fizzy.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking that,
between getting you kidnapped,
attacked by a panther,
thrown off a cliff,
and feeding you weird mushrooms,
I've secured my place
on the Mount Rushmore
of disappointing dads.
Yeah, that's great.
That's all great.
I'm great.
You're great.
The planet is really great.
It's all so bloody great.
Now might be a good time to get
that great, big,
bloody tree off my legs.
-[both chuckle]
-Come on, Dad.
What did you say?
[Mildred] Huh? Nothing.
You called me "Dad."
Did I?
[Strawn] Yeah, you did.
Ready?
Alright.
[Mildred giggles deliriously]
[Strawn grunts]
Come on.
[grunts, groans]
Come on!
[grunts]
[pants]
I... I can't do it.
It's too heavy.
Ace of diamonds.
-What?
-It's the magic trick...
on the window,
when we met.
I lied. I lied to you.
[chuckles]
It was my card.
[Mildred chuckles]
Come on, Dad. You can do this.
"Believe in magic,"
that's what you said.
[vibrating music]
[reverberating music booms]
[music intensifies]
[laughing]
[music fades out]
[melodious guitar music playing]
[Mildred] I've had enough
of camping.
Can we go home now?
What are the magic words?
I love you...
with all of my heart.
[Angelina] What are you doing?
[Arnold] Well, you might not
be familiar with this,
this is called
keeping your kit clean.
[Angelina] Just chuck it
in the car.
[Strawn] You got
to be kidding me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Angelina] Okay, look,
just shut up, Jethro.
Shut up for ever.
[Strawn] Okay, okay, I got it.
[Angelina] No, I'm driving.
Why do you keep banging on
about that? On and on and on?
[Arnold] I drive...
Oi, oi...
What are you doing?
[Arnold and Angelina shout]
Come here.
Ah... Oi...
[Arnold yells]
That's my Plymouth!
[Angelina yelling]
Jethro, just grab the car.
[Arnold] Go easy on the clutch!
[Angelina] Useless!
Those bloody muppets
are even worse than us.
[screams] Ah! My God.
Oh, my God.
[laughing]
Whoo!
It's okay.
[laughs]
Everything's gonna be okay.
I promise.
Smile for your mum.
She'll never believe this.
Shouldn't you be
watching the road?
-[Strawn laughs]
-Dad?
-[Mildred] Dad?
-[Strawn laughs]
Oh, God!
[both scream]
[panther roars]
[panther grunting]
[Mildred] Hm.
[heart monitor beeps]
[Jonesie purring]
[Mildred whispers] Dad?
[Strawn] Hm.
[breathes deeply]
[Mildred] Mum.
[Mildred] Jonesie.
[Jonesie growls]
["Anything Could Happen"
playing]
[Strawn] Smile for your mum.
She'll never believe this.
Shouldn't you
be watching the road?
-[Strawn chuckles]
- Dad!
[screams] Dad!
[Strawn] Oh, snap!
[panther growling]
Went to a doctor,
Said I look so hard
And with a smile on his face
Put him into a junkyard
Look for an answer
In empty doorways
Talk to a dancer,
Said it's out on the highway
Well, come on, Doctor
Won't you gimme a shot
I'm feeling cold boy
Feeling hot
The doctor said no boy
You gotta learn...
[woman on TV] The hunt is on
for a mysterious black cat,
which was spotted prowling
on a Mid Canterbury farm.
Locals are convinced,
it was a panther.
Just looked like
a big, black cat,
really, it was yeah, just...
It's quite long,
had a big long tail...
Like, it had that cat walk,
you know, normally you can tell
the difference between
a dog and a cat.
But no, definitely, definitely
wouldn't have been a dog.
Cat poo with, um,
bits of fur or bone in it.
Um, perhaps remains of prey...
[man 1] Hmm.
Yeah, I see it, I see it.
That's pretty big.
-That's not a [bleep] cat.
-[man 2] Hey?
[man 1] That isn't a cat.
That's [bleep] huge!
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen
Every city and town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I've sat in the shade
Of an old apple orchard
Watch the big trucks
Rolling by
I've shared a grape soda
With a man from Dakota
And seen
A June bug
In July
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
I've seen
Every city and town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I've played basketball
Through the hoop of a barrel
And struggled to learn
How to swim
Though I sometimes think
Maybe I once was a baby
I only
Pretend
I was him
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen every city
And town
I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me down
I'm a drifter
I'm a loner
And I've seen
Every city and town
And I'll pass by here
And I'll die here
And some stranger
Will lower me
Stranger will lower me
Down
Everything I do
Reminds me of you
Can't get you out of my life
I tried to forget
The night that we met
You keep nagging up
on my mind...
Come on.
Where are you?
Everywhere
No matter where I go
I just can't get away
Because I'm hung on you
Treat me bad
You're only using me
[cat meows]
[mysterious music playing]
[cat purring, meowing]
[Mildred] Oh, good cat.
Here we go.
[woman yelling] Mildred,
do you want something to eat?
[whispering] Mum, be quiet.
[beaded curtain rustling]
What, I can't hear you?
[Mildred] Can you
make me some toast?
Sure.
And I know
just how you like them.
Razor-sharp triangles,
no crusts?
Yeah, that's right.
One more thing, Mildred.
[Mildred] What? I'm in
the middle of something here.
What are the magic words?
[Mildred] Please.
Well, that's a magic word,
singular.
I want the magic words, plural.
Mum, I'm trying to catch Jonesie
in an intricate home-made trap.
Can this wait?
Sorry, why in the name
of buggery
are you trying to catch
our poor, sweet, innocent cat?
-Practice.
-[Mum] For?
For the Panthera Pardus
that's been haunting
our wilderness, of late.
You may know him
by his nom de plume,
The Canterbury Panther.
Panthera Pardus, nom de...
-[Mildred] Nom de plume.
-[Mum] Nom de plume.
You sure do know
a crap ton of words,
don't you, my girl?
I'm a card-carrying
bookworm, so...
Yes, I sure do know
a crap ton of words.
Mmm...
But do you know the magic words?
Mum!
Oh, come on, just say them,
and I'll go and get
your toast triangles.
I... love... you.
Go on...
With... all...
of my...
heart.
Was that so difficult?
Yes, actually, yes.
[scoffs]
[Mildred] It was.
[ominous music playing]
-[Jonesie meows softly]
-[Mildred whispers] Ha!
Yes, there we go, puss.
That's it.
Yes.
Come on, Jonesie.
And...
Dinner is served.
[trap snaps]
-[Mildred gasps]
-[rope thuds]
[Jonesie meows softly]
[metal objects clatter]
Ah!
-Jonesie?
-[Jonesie purrs]
[Mildred] Psh.
Great!
Mum?
[Mildred gasps]
If you sneak up on me again,
I will pee myself.
And you're gonna
have to clean it up.
[floorboard creaks]
Mum?
[Mildred whimpers]
Mum?
-[screams] Mum!
-[scream echoes]
[doctor] I have some good news,
and I have some bad news.
The bad news is you're gonna
need a new toaster.
Okay, that one's kaput.
The good news is
you're not gonna need a new mum.
Yay.
Hey, your toaster exploded.
I don't know what the odds
are of that happening.
But you know the button you push
when you start
the toasting process?
Well, that button was faulty.
And it gave your mum
quite the shock,
her body went all... jelly-like,
and she flew backwards,
and then her head hit the bench,
and then she fell into a coma.
A coma?
[doctor] Yeah, well,
she's not dead.
Okay, so don't worry about that.
But she's not
fully alive, either.
She's in this wonderful
dreamlike netherworld.
I know what a coma is.
Will she be okay?
Well, you listen
to me carefully,
okay, Mildred?
I'm not talking to you
as a doctor would to a child.
Alright?
I'm talking this soul...
to soul.
Will she be okay, yes or no?
Well ye-- [sighs]. Yes.
But she has what's called
a brain bleed.
Okay? So we're gonna need
to keep her in here
for at least a week,
until she stabilizes.
A week?
No-- She was supposed
to take me camping tomorrow.
I had it all worked out.
She finally took some time
off work. She promised.
The camping's gonna
have to wait,
I'm afraid, Mildred.
But first things first.
Where's your dad?
-[mysterious music playing]
-[aeroplane swooshing]
[doorbell ringing]
Hello.
I'm Strawn. Strawn Wise.
Mildred's biological father.
The magician.
Illusionist.
Magician sounds...
cheap. [chuckles softly]
[floorboards creaking]
[floorboards
creaking]
[floorboards creaking]
[floorboards creaking]
-Can I come in?
-Can I see some ID?
[Strawn] ID?
Yeah. It stands
for Identification Document.
I would love to show you
some ID, but there's a problem.
You see, you actually have it.
-I have it?
-[Strawn] That's right.
What'd ya mean, mate?
[in low tone] You have my ID.
I do? Where?
Just...
[chuckles softly]
I have to say.
Normally, I find magicians
skin-crawlingly embarrassing,
but you're actually half decent.
Access granted.
[Dotty] Oh, look, mate,
just so you know,
I didn't hug the girl.
Even though Lord knows
she needs one.
[Strawn gasps] I'm sorry, what?
[Dotty] Your daughter.
I specifically didn't hug her.
Why?
I've heard
so many horror stories, okay?
You can't be too careful
with other people's kids these
days... Touching them and...
Even hugs are a no-go.
Yeah, I... I guess so.
Right. I'm off.
Take care of the girl.
She's in there,
glued to a book, as always.
I'm next door on the right
if you need anything.
-Yeah, thanks.
-Okay.
-Hmm?
-No.
[breathes deeply]
[bells tinkling]
Mildred, it's me.
Strawn. Your dad.
I just flew
halfway across the world
to be with you, little lady.
And I'm sorry about your mom,
but she's gonna be okay.
It's official.
A licensed medical professional
has officially told you
she's officially
going to be okay?
Is that what you mean
by "official"?
Well... no, I... I mean,
she's gonna be okay.
[chuckles softly]
I'm sure.
Pretty sure.
Hey, do you want to see
something amazing?
I said, do you want to see
something amazing?
Will it take a long time?
-No.
-Fine.
Show me something amazing.
Go on. Pick a card.
Now, look at it.
Don't tell me what it is.
Put it back in the deck.
Alright.
Is this your card?
No.
[chuckles softly] Sorry.
It sounded like you said, "No."
It sounded like I said no
because I did indeed say, "No."
Okay.
-Is this your card?
-I'm afraid it's not.
[snickers] Okay.
Is that your card?
I can lie and say, "Yes,"
if it helps.
-This?
-[Mildred] No. Sorry.
-This?
-[Mildred] No.
-This?
-Look, it's okay--
-God damn it.
-Wait!
[finger snaps]
Now... Kindly, remove your jaw
from the floor and tell me.
Is that your card?
[clicks tongue] Right.
Before I get to whether
that is or isn't my card,
lemme get one thing straight.
Yeah. What's that?
[Mildred] Am I right in assuming
that you snuck around
to the back garden
to glue that card to the window
before scrambling back around
to ring the front doorbell?
No. [chuckles]
It's... It's called magic.
I use the power of magic.
Did you or did you not?
Come on.
I won't be angry with you.
I just... want you
to tell me the truth.
[scoffs]
Fine. Yeah, uh, yeah, okay.
But that is your card.
Right?
Wrong.
It is your card.
-It... is... not... my... card.
-[chuckles]
-Of course, it is.
-Fine.
I give up. It's my card.
Bravo, well done.
Spectacular magic trick.
Are you being sarcastic?
Hm.
Um, how about you
show me your room?
[pleasant music playing]
I can't say I spend much time
in 11-year-old girls' bedrooms,
but this isn't what I expected.
What did you expect?
A pink doll house?
Pictures of palaces
and unicorns and princesses?
Basically.
What was on your walls
when you were 11?
A lot of
David Copperfield posters.
[surprised] You like
David Copperfield?
Like? [scoffs] More like love.
Same.
I'm borderline obsessed
to tell the truth.
David Copperfield
was my life growing up.
Okay. So,
we have something in common.
It is a good start.
Yeah.
Really good start.
What are the odds of us having
the exact same favorite book?
Oh, no. I... I'm talking about
David Copperfield,
the illusionist from the 1990s?
Oh.
I am talking about
David Copperfield,
the Charles Dickens novel
from the 1840s.
Oh, I don't know what that is.
[clicks tongue] Guess
we don't have
anything in common, after all.
[inquisitive music playing]
What's this?
This...
is the Canterbury Panther.
You could say it's our version
of Bigfoot.
There's been sightings
for decades,
but no one's ever
caught definitive proof.
So, they're offering 50,000
for actual video evidence
of its existence.
I... I don't really know
New Zealand money yet.
Is that a lot?
Yes. It's a lot of money.
Money Mum and I
could really use right now.
[sighs]
She was supposed to take me
camping to search for it.
Oh, well.
I mean...
I could take you. Maybe?
[inquisitive music playing]
Really?
Sure.
Might help to take your mind
off of everything with your mum.
I mean, I don't know
the first thing about camping.
I've never been, but,
you know, maybe we could go.
Just... quickly?
Are you sure?
[ominous music playing]
[man shrieking]
Ah, you know,
now that I think of it,
I... I don't think
it's such a good idea.
We leave at first light.
[nervously] Mm-hmm.
[engine chugging]
[wind whooshing]
Hey, stick with me.
It'll be fine.
[Strawn] You know
where you're going, right?
["Tarot" playing]
Jet-white dove
Snow-black snake
Time has turned his face
From the edge of mystery
Where running is no race
Ageless night
Careless day...
[boy yelling] Hey!
Fate reaches out a hand...
-[boy] Hey there!
-Touch the edge of....
[boy] Hello!
[boy] Hey there!
A story with no end
Hey!
I know you.
You're Strawn Wise.
The magician, right?
-Illusionist. But, yes.
-[surprised chuckle]
I just knew it was you.
And who's this
cute little nipper?
That is my biological daughter,
Mildred.
Biological daughter. Is she?
Hi there, Mildred. I'm Reginald.
You look like a Reginald.
That name suits you.
You have a perfect
name-to-face correspondence.
[sighs in relief]
I used to watch
your show on the telly.
Oh! Thanks.
Thank you.
That really means a lot.
Yeah. I used to watch
after my night shift.
It was on at 4:00 am.
[Mildred] Real
prime-time stuff, then.
[Reginald] It's such a shame
we don't get it here anymore.
Nobody gets it anymore.
-What?
-It's no longer running
here or anywhere.
It was cancelled.
Halfway through the first
season, actually, so...
Yeah, I... I don't have
a show anymore.
Oh.
I guess the other guy
sort of hijacked
the spotlight a little bit.
Is that fair to say?
Who? David?
[Reginald] Yeah, yeah.
Never liked him, myself.
Seamed up his own arse,
from the looks of it.
Oh.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.
Can you still levitate?
I certainly can.
[chuckles softly]
What are you waiting for? Go on.
[Strawn] What?
Now? Here?
Yeah! Go on, Strawn.
Levitate for an old fan.
[mysterious music playing]
[Mildred] Is levitation
a lengthy process?
I'm asking because we've got
a lot of ground to cover today.
[Strawn] Okay!
I can feel the power,
specifically in my feet.
I'm talking about the power
of levitation, specifically.
[shrill, ominous music playing]
Oh.
Oh, that's mad.
Ah, is this actually happening?
I don't--
He's actually bloody levitating.
Yeah, no.
He's not levitating.
What do you mean?
He's put all his weight
on the ball of one foot
while lifting both
heels off the ground,
thus creating
the illusion of levitation
from your vantage point.
[Reginald] Oh, yeah.
You were right.
Cheers, Strawn.
Cheers
for single-handedly destroying
my belief in the power of magic.
Much appreciated, bruv.
Do you want an autograph?
Yeah, go on.
[melodious whistling]
[Strawn] You didn't have to,
you know,
shatter the illusion back there.
[Mildred] You were conning him
with fake magic.
It was painful to watch.
[Strawn scoffs] What?
[Mildred] You'll have to pardon
my bluntness.
I'm what's commonly referred to
as a "brutal realist".
[Strawn] A brutal realist
who actually believes
there's a real giant panther
out here.
[Mildred] Panthers exist.
Levitation doesn't.
That's the long and short of it,
I'm afraid.
[Strawn grunts]
[Mildred] Keep going.
Peanut butter and jelly.
What do you think?
Old Strawn's got some
sandwich-making skills?
Must be an American delicacy.
Can't say I'm a fan, myself,
but calories are calories,
and they're in short supply
out here.
You know,
you don't talk like a...
Like a normal child?
I know.
I wasn't going to put it
that way, exactly.
But, yeah.
My point is, you don't have
to dress everything up
to sound more sophisticated
than you are. [chuckles]
Yeah, says the magician
who insists
on being called an illusionist.
[mouthing]
I mean--
[melodious guitar playing]
[Strawn] So, how you
finding school?
Are you having a hard time?
[Mildred] Why would I
be having a hard time, Strawn?
-No, no, I didn't mean any--
-If you must know,
I'm top of my class.
Straight A's all the way.
I'm captain
of the netball team, and...
believe it or not,
I was officially voted
The Most Popular Girl In School
last winter.
Wow.
My boyfriend, Clarence,
Clarence Hargreaves,
is the dreamiest guy
in the entire school.
He looks like Hercules
and his hair smells
like apricot jam. [chuckles]
A hard... "A hard time"?
I have a hard time
staying away from the place.
School is like heaven for me,
academically, athletically
and socially.
What, really?
No, not really.
I despise school,
and everyone in it.
We're hemorrhaging daylight
faster than
I'm comfortable with.
Let's pick up
the pace, shall we?
[Strawn] What are the chances
of a mythical panther
popping up here?
[Mildred hums]
[flies buzzing]
[Strawn] Jesus!
[melancholic music playing]
-Do you think--
-[Mildred] Yes.
Yes, I do.
One false move out here, and...
that could be us.
He's here.
He's here and he's watching us.
[dramatic music playing]
[vegetation rustling]
Oh, God.
[twig snaps]
[both gasp]
Oh... sorry.
Not so mythical now, is it?
Huh-uh.
[Mildred] Come on.
[adventure music playing]
[pants]
[Mildred yells] Strawn!
Strawn?
Having fun?
Soaking it all in, aren't we?
Do you want me to help?
I thought you'd never ask.
[Strawn] What can I do?
[Mildred] You could
start a fire.
How does one... do that?
I'd give you a tutorial, but...
at present,
I'm kinda in the middle
of putting up our bloody tent.
I have an idea.
-[spark cracks]
-[Mildred gasps]
H... How did you--
It's called magic.
[popping]
Actually, it's called
a thumb flint.
An essential weapon
in any illusionist's arsenal.
[sighs]
I just realized
that I only brought one.
[owl hooting]
[Strawn] So...
How's your mom doing?
[Mildred] She's in
an induced coma,
hovering between life and death.
Thanks for asking.
No, I mean, apart
from the whole coma thing.
Just generally, how was she?
She talks too much,
works too much,
and has terrible taste in men.
No offense.
She means well, though.
She tries her best,
but you could say
she's struggling.
I... I don't--
Her sister, my aunt,
is afflicted with the old,
substance-abuse nonsense.
No, it's not fair.
It's not nonsense.
It's a disease.
Anyway, Mum took out
a whole bunch of loans
to put her through rehab.
Now...
She's deep in the hole.
Fifty-thousand-deep.
Jesus.
Why'd you think I'm on the hunt
for this panther?
The reward is 50k,
for a video of the thing.
Problem solved, right?
Mum will be off the hook
and not having to juggle
three stupid jobs.
Plus, you know...
I do really want to see
a great, big, giant panther.
Mm.
Right.
I don't know about you,
but I am bloody zonked.
Before we go in,
can I make one thing
perfectly clear?
What's that?
I know you have a belly
full of beans.
But this tent...
is a fart-free zone.
Clear?
Clear.
[Strawn] I'm sorry things
never worked out with your mom.
I did ask her
to stay with me in Vegas
when she told me she was...
When you...
When she was pregnant, you know.
I did offer,
but... she wanted to stay here.
I don't want you to think
that I... I didn't want you
or anything like that.
It's just...
It's a lot.
I only met your mom once,
for a couple of hours.
[sighs]
It's such
a complicated situation.
You're not
the average child, so...
I feel like I can say...
Good night, Mildred.
You're not really asleep,
are you?
Good night, Strawn.
[fart rips]
[fart squeaks]
I'm so sorry.
[dry leaves rustling]
-[twigs snapping]
-[leaves rustling]
[loud roar]
[low growling]
[Mildred] Hm...
Jesus.
What? What is it?
I heard a creepy sound.
Am I still dreaming
or did a 42-year-old man
really just wake up
an 11-year-old girl
to tell her that he heard
a creepy sound in the night.
I'm sorry.
Never mind.
Go back to sleep.
[ominous music]
[stream trickling]
[birds tweeting]
[Strawn grunts]
[groans]
-[Mildred] Good morning, Strawn.
-Yeah.
Sleep well?
Not really.
My stomach feels
weird and bubbly.
I know. I'm super excited, too.
Get some caffeine in you
and let's move.
You know...
You can call me "Dad."
Why would I do that?
Most daughters
call their dads "Dad."
Most daughters see their dads
more than once a decade.
Maybe one day,
you'll actually call me dad.
-[reverberations]
-[bells tinkling]
And maybe one day,
you'll actually do a magic trick
that impresses me.
[uplifting music playing]
What is it?
We're gonna
have to find shelter.
It's gonna rain very heavily
and very soon.
[Strawn] What?
The sky looks fine.
[Mildred] What's missing?
-[Strawn] Clouds?
-[Mildred] Birds, Strawn.
They make themselves scarce
before a good old downpour.
[chuckles] I think
you're mistaken.
I'm pretty confident
that it's not gonna rain.
[rain pattering]
[Strawn] So, do you go
camping a lot?
[Mildred] This is my first time.
[Strawn] What?
I've always asked Mum
to take me,
but, you know what she's like.
Actually, you don't.
I forgot.
She's got me wrapped
in cotton wool.
And bubble wrap.
Barely even lets me play
in the backyard.
Still wants to walk me
to school, you know.
Does wonders for my social life,
as you can imagine.
Does she ever talk about me...
Why would she do that?
[chuckles dryly]
She's gonna be okay, you know.
She's in good hands.
It's... It's alright...
to be scared.
It's normal.
[Mildred] So...
what does
the average working day
for an illusionist look like?
Well, um, I do appearances.
Parties.
Actually, last week,
I just did a major celebrity's
birthday party.
Wow.
[chuckles]
You know, you could try being
a little bit more respectful.
I'm sure I could.
I just can't promise I will.
[Strawn] I work hard, you know,
providing for you and your mom.
[Mildred] Levitation
and card tricks?
Back-breaking stuff, I'm sure.
[Strawn] What I do is both
physically and mentally
exhausting.
My wrist strength is equivalent
to that
of a professional wrestler.
You think it's easy, making
a hundred balloon animals
for Vin Diesel's kids?
Balloon animals.
And they say air traffic
controllers have stressful jobs.
And what the hell
is a Vin Diesel?
Only the lead of the greatest
franchise in film history.
Well, anyway, whatever,
people need magic
in their lives.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best
not to punch you in the goolies.
What did I ever do to you? Huh?
Why are you angry with me?
Wha... What is this?
Oh, you really want
to have this conversation,
right here, right now?
Um...
I don't know.
-No. Maybe not.
-[vegetation rustling]
Yeah, let's not...
-What?
-Don't move.
[vegetation rustling]
Stay completely still.
Is this just a trick so you can
punch me in the "goolies"?
No.
[growl]
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Mildred whispers] Strawn,
listen to me.
Do not, I repeat, do not move.
-[mumbles] It's the--
-[Mildred] Panther.
[whispers] It's the panther.
[Strawn whispers] What do we...
what do we do?
[Mildred] Shh.
-[panther growls]
-[Mildred] Just be quiet.
-Panthers kill people.
-I said be quiet.
Well, why wouldn't it kill us?
[Mildred] Because, A,
it hasn't seen us yet.
And B, we're going to stay
very still,
very quiet and very calm.
[Mildred gasps]
[panther snorts, roars]
That's not good, is it?
-Umm
-Do we run?
Think you can outrun a panther?
I don't know. Can I?
[Mildred] No, Strawn.
No, you can't.
At least, there's water
between us.
Cats hate water, right?
Panthers are exceptional
swimmers, actually.
-And what do we do?
-We stay still.
We don't move
and we don't make a sound.
[panther growls mildly]
[panther growls softly]
[bushes rustling]
[both sigh]
[shivers]
[Strawn mumbles]
[Mildred sobs]
[whispers] Mum, if you can
hear me, it's going to be okay.
I promise.
P.S. I love you
with all of my heart.
There. Happy?
Mildred... [gasping]
Did you get the footage?
I got it. I got the bugger.
[Strawn pants]
How are you holding up?
[wheezes]
That was... a close encounter.
Of the fifty-thousandth kind.
[laughs nervously]
[Strawn pants]
[panther growling]
[Strawn] Mildred, look.
Sorry.
For being an absent father?
What? No, I... I mean,
for doubting you
about the panther.
And for the whole
absent-father thing, too.
Sorry for that.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
threatening to punch you
in the goolies.
It was rude and uncalled for.
And pretty Freudian,
when you think about it.
Uh, not to change the subject,
but you're getting eaten alive.
[mosquito buzzes]
You know, most people
just squash the buggers.
Yeah, not... not me.
I'm not a murderer.
Uh, always used to make me feel
guilty as a kid, killing bugs.
Made me sad
thinking about their babies
wondering where they went.
-What?
-Don't move.
What?
You've got a weta
on your shoulder.
-[Strawn] What, a weta?
-[Mildred] A weta.
[ominous music playing]
[yelps]
God, what the hell is that?
What the hell is that? [screams]
Think its babies will wonder
where it went?
[pants heavily]
Mum said
you used to be on telly.
You were some big-shot magician.
But then another big-shot
magician came along
and you became
a small-shot magician.
Oh. David Blaine.
We used to be friends.
Until he stabbed me in the back.
He stabbed me and he stabbed me.
And he stabbed me.
[scoffs]
We met doing illusions
in the streets of New York.
[indistinct chatter
in background]
Became inseparable.
He was like a big brother to me.
We both landed our own TV shows.
Him first, then me.
His show was called
Street Magic.
Mine was called
Twizted Illusions.
The "s" and Twizted was a "z".
Twizted?
One day, we were
riding through Central Park
in a horse-drawn carriage.
[horse neighs in background]
We were both wearing
burgundy velvet shorts.
I told him I had a series
of TV specials planned.
[indistinct speech
in background]
I had the whole
thing worked out.
I talked him through it.
"I'll be buried alive
for a week in Central Park."
The very park
we were riding through.
[Strawn speaking in background]
"Then I would be frozen in
the block of ice for 72 hours."
"Next, I would stand on top
of a tall pillar for 35 hours."
-[horse neighs]
-[man laughs]
He just laughed at me.
Said I was crazy.
"Nobody could pull
off one of these stunts,
let alone all three."
And then, the greasy little worm
goes and pitches my ideas,
like they're his own.
Signs a... a contract
worth millions
and starts ignoring my calls.
So, I go and confront
the bastard.
He's at this
shark-themed bar in Vegas.
He's there with all his
new showbiz buddies.
A few names
you may have heard of.
DiCaprio, Maguire,
Faustino, Haas, Tip.
As in Q-Tip.
-The celebrated rapper.
-Okay.
They're all wearing
backwards baseball caps.
And these black baggy suits
with one pant leg rolled up.
Like an inside joke,
or a ritual, or something.
Anyway, I...
I go to talk to David.
You know, ask him,
why he did that to me,
after everything
we've been through.
You know what he did?
He just smiles at me,
and slowly poured his drink
over my head.
And then, they all just start
barking at me.
Like dogs.
Barking. Barking.
And barking.
[imitates barking]
And David was barking
the loudest.
His face was all red and sweaty.
His lips were [panting]
turning blue.
It's like he was having
a seizure or something.
And what did you do?
What I always do
when I see something scary.
Ran away.
As fast as I could,
as far as I could.
Next thing I know,
I'm in the desert,
on my knees, throwing up.
I can see little pieces
of squid tentacle in my vomit.
It's the last thing I remember.
The next few months
are kind of a blur.
Anyway, I...
moved back in
with my mom for a while.
I just couldn't do much.
A year later, I...
I started... [sighs]
piecing things back together
again.
You know, card tricks
on the streets,
booking gigs, parties.
And somewhere
in the middle of all of this,
you met my mum.
I met your mom.
Yeah.
[Mildred] I found
her secret diary once.
It said that she met you
on a girls' trip to Vegas.
Says I was conceived
in the parking lot
of a convenience store.
That's not really true, is it?
Yeah.
They say, "Romance is dead."
You're wrong about
one thing, though.
[Strawn] What's that?
You don't run away
from every scary thing.
You sure about that?
I mean...
You're here, aren't you?
You flew halfway
across the world to...
look after a kid
you've never met.
And in the wilderness, to boot.
Maybe you have a backbone
after all.
Thank you.
Now, let's get some sleep,
shall we?
["Seasons Come and Seasons Go"
playing]
Dogwood blossoms
Float against
The ice-encrusted creek bank
A tender blade
Of new green grass
Is bravely pushing upward
Through the melting snow
The spring breathes
Ruffles through my hair
And whispers
Softly everywhere
Telling secrets in my eyes
Search the countryside
For your hello
The seasons come
The seasons go
Lightning darts
Among the pines
Caught in a summer rainstorm
Soaking wet I look upon
The new plowed earth
With rivulets
Between each row
I almost feel you next to me
And it stirs a memory
That hangs suspended
With a sigh
And gently weaves its way
Through my bedroom window
The seasons come...
[laughing]
The seasons go
[Strawn] Hey!
That was like six skips.
-[Mildred] Yeah.
-Alright, ready?
[man and woman yelling] Kia ora!
Father and daughter,
on a wee trek
hiking the beautiful
wilderness in New Zealand.
Is this what I'm seeing here?
-Yeah.
-Course, it is.
Hi, I'm...
I'm Arnold and this is my
beautiful wife, Angelina.
Long-suffering missus.
[chuckles]
I'm Strawn.
And this is my biologi--, uh,
[clicks tongue]
M-- my daughter, Mildred.
Ooh. A real American person, eh?
Yeah. I guess I am.
[Angelina] I've never met
a real American before.
I mean I've watched
lots of American soap operas,
though.
[chuckles] It's all
she does all day,
watch those bloody
American soap operas.
They can be addictive.
That's why they end
with cliffhangers.
It's to make you desperate
to see the next episode.
It's to make you watch
commercials, basically.
That's how TV works.
It's sort of shameful.
I mean, there should
be laws against it.
It's disgusting.
So, uh, you enjoying
New Zealand?
I... I quite like it. I think.
Well, we're heading down
to those,
you know, the big rocks
where they made the movie
where Liam Neeson
was the talking lion?
-[Strawn] Oh.
-[Arnold] Why don't you join us,
I could do with some
grown-up conversation.
So could I.
So, tell me everything.
What's it like growing
up in America?
I'd love to tell you,
but since I've never
set foot on American soil,
I don't have a bloody clue.
But your dad...
He lives there. I live here.
Don't you want
to live there with him?
I mean, if I was a kid,
much rather grow up in America
than boring old New Zealand.
Let's see.
I don't like assault rifles.
I don't like high-fives.
I don't like corn syrup.
I don't like people who say,
"buddy", or "hell, yeah."
And I despise the word "dude"
with every atom of my being.
I'm not sure America
has much to offer me.
[chuckles uneasily] You don't--
Talk like a normal child?
-I know.
-[chuckles]
[Arnold] So, what's your trade?
[Strawn] I'm an illusionist.
Illusionist? What, like,
like a magician?
-Yeah.
-Like David Blaine?
Oh, man. I adore him.
Like, he is literally magical.
Don't you think?
Like, nothing comes close.
Nothing even comes close
to close to him.
-Don't you think?
-Yeah.
What about you?
Me? I'm a...
I'm a heart surgeon.
Yeah. I don't mean
to toot my own trombone,
but I'm in the top five
heart surgeons
in the whole of Oceania.
Wow.
I think I'm actually
impressed by that.
A lot of people are, you know?
And so they should be,
It's an impressive job to have,
isn't it?
Like, literally, I save lives.
If somebody was dying
and I end up being there,
I save their life.
So, if anything...
I'm the magician round here.
[both chuckle]
No offense.
[Mildred and Angelina
laughing loudly]
-[Angelina] Good one.
-[both laugh]
[Mildred] Um...
[indistinct chatter]
She's really good with kids, eh?
Yeah. Well, some people are.
Some people aren't.
[Arnold chuckles softly]
[thunder rolling at a distance]
Listen, mate, there's something
I wanted to say to you.
What's that?
You've got to promise, you...
are going to be cool, calm
and collected about it, eh?
Chillin'' like Bob Dylan.
Promise?
Sure, yeah, I promise.
What is it?
I've kidnapped your daughter.
[Strawn laughs]
[laughing] Excuse me?
You see,
I know it doesn't look
like a conventional kidnapping.
But a kidnapping
is exactly what it is.
[Strawn chuckles nervously]
I... I don't understand.
Well...
She's in my custody.
And I'm going to make
some demands of you.
And if those demands aren't met,
she stays in my custody.
Until I, uh, cut her loose.
'Cause let's be honest,
that's a lot of dead weight to
be carrying around this terrain.
Especially with my bad back.
[laughing]
Sorry, no filter.
So, um...
In case you get any funny ideas,
just like you to know that, um,
I'm a black belt in karate.
[scoffs]
Are you really?
Yes I am really.
I don't believe you.
Well, you should believe me.
Then do a karate move.
I'm not some dancing monkey boy.
-I don't do moves on demand.
-Because you don't know karate.
Right.
I'm not doing any moves.
But I'll show you something.
Have a look at that
and commit that to memory.
#There it is.
A belt.
What color is it?
It's black.
That's correct.
The belt is black.
As in black belt.
As in...
I can karate the living shite
clean out of you.
And if I choose
to karate the living
shit clean out of you, I will.
If you mess me about it.
Capisce?
Mm-hmm.
Alright.
Let's get down
to the nitty-gritty
of what I want from you.
What do you want from me?
Well, your valuables.
[scoffs] You can't be serious.
As serious as
cancer-rhythm-is-a-dancer,
my friend.
Have you ever had
a blood transfusion?
What? Yeah.
Well, see this as
a bag transfusion.
[Arnold claps]
You transfer
the contents of your bag
into my bag.
[chuckles sarcastically]
Okay?
So why don't we start
with the mobile phone?
Or as you yanks like to call it,
your "cellular"?
Come on.
Do I need to remind you
that a black belt in karate
has kidnapped your daughter?
Thanking you.
Uh, passcode, please.
Okay, please.
You don't need the--
Passcode?
It's the year I was born.
Hey, just please don't look
at any of the photos.
Okay, that's all I ask.
[Arnold chuckles softly]
I wasn't going
to look at the photos.
But now you mentioned it--
No, no, no.
Please, please don't.
[Arnold] Ooh!
You're a strange little man,
aren't you?
You do know there's a pump
you can get for that,
and apparently it works?
Mm-hm.
Okay. Camera?
Please.
Please. Don't do this.
This is my daughter's.
It means a lot to her.
Yeah, and it'll mean
a lot to me too.
[Strawn grunts]
But I'll call the cops.
I know your names.
[chuckles] What, um...
Arnold and Angelina?
Have a wee think.
Where have you heard
those names before?
I...
Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Angelina Jolie?
And what do they have in common?
[Strawn] They're...
[both] Actors.
[Arnold] And what do actors do?
They...
pretend to be other people.
[Arnold laughs teasingly]
I... I know your job.
You're one of the leading
heart surgeons.
You're not a heart
surgeon, are you?
No.
Well, I know what you look like.
The... the cops will do
a composite sketch.
I'll just go home, cut my hair,
shave off my beard,
and nobody will recognize me.
What about Angelina?
She'll shave her beard off too.
Anyhoo. Wallet. Come on.
Grazie.
Angelina, darling.
[indistinct talking]
Well.
-I think you can finish this.
-Yeah.
I'll see what those two
are up to.
[Arnold humming] Goodbye.
We all done here?
[Arnold] Yeah, it was quite
a painless operation.
[Arnold and Angelina giggle]
Ooh. Nice rod.
-There you go.
-Mm.
Bet ya that's the first time
a woman's ever said that to you.
[Angelina laughs]
Please don't take that.
It's my daughter's.
My nephew is desperate
for a fishing rod.
That's his
birthday present's sorted.
Thanks.
Grab their matches and map.
-That'll slow 'em down.
-[Arnold giggles maliciously]
You are a criminal
mastermind, my love.
[both giggle maliciously]
[Arnold] Wanna show you
something.
I used to charge
my mates at school,
a dollar a time to see this.
-[Strawn grunts]
-[Arnold laughs]
You don't want to see
what he used to charge
two bucks to see.
What if I come after you, huh?
[Angelina] Aw. [chuckles]
You just don't seem
like the type.
[both chuckle]
You want me to get this?
Yeah.
[Arnold and Angelina] Kia ora!
[both giggle]
[huffs]
[pants]
[Mildred] Hey, where'd they go?
Hey!
[Mildred pants]
Not to get mushy, but...
today's been a bloody great day.
I have to tell you something.
You're gonna get mushy, too?
You have to promise
that you'll stay...
[voice breaking] cool,
calm and collected.
You promise?
Yes. Okay, I promise.
They robbed us.
-Pardon me?
-They kidnapped you.
Yeah. Good one, Strawn.
Very funny.
Seriously, where'd they go?
They held you to ransom.
They took my phone,
my wallet, the map, the matches,
fishing rod...
the camera.
I... I know it didn't feel like
a kidnapping,
but that's what just happened.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
[sobs]
They took everything.
The camera,
the proof, everything.
And... you just let them?
-I--
-Just...
You just handed it over
on a silver platter.
I'm so sorry.
Do I need to remind you
that that camera footage
was going to save Mum and me
from becoming another
depressing welfare statistic?
It was going to save our lives.
You hate me, don't you?
I actually can't even
put into words
how much hate
I feel towards you right now.
You know what?
I can't stand the sight of you.
Your idiotic nail polish.
And your crap,
low-budget TV-magician clothes.
And your greasy, ratty hair
and these big, dumb,
dopey donkey eyes.
You know what?
You need to move
away from me right now--
What was I supposed to do?
-He was a karate master.
-Move...
away... from...
me... now.
Mildred, be serious.
Like, 20 paces.
Like we're in a duel. Go!
That wasn't 20 paces.
That was, like, 11 paces.
And I can still see you.
Like a greasy smudge
on the world.
Bugger off, further.
[Strawn] It all makes sense now.
What makes sense?
Why you don't have
any friends at school.
Why your mother never
wants to take you camping.
Excuse me?
[Strawn] You know,
this entire trip,
you've been nothing
but a grade-A D-bag.
Yeah? Well, it takes one,
to know one, doesn't it?
A pretentious, prickly runt.
I know you are.
You said you were.
So, what am I?
You're an asshole.
Twenty paces? You know what?
Let's make it 50.
You know? Screw that.
A hundred and fifty paces.
One, two, three, four,
[voice fades]
five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve...
thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, sixteen...
119, 120, 121, 122...
123... [pants]
You can never do anything right.
Ungrateful.
[indistinct whispering]
Mildred!
[whispering continues]
[loud whooshing]
Hello?
Oh! [gasps]
[deep growling]
[growling]
[screaming]
Hello!
[voice echoes]
[footsteps thudding]
What's the matter,
Mr. Twizted Illusions?
Got scared in the big,
dark, spooky stones?
No.
[sighs]
Yeah. Okay, I did.
I got lost.
I hurt my ankle.
And I heard some weird sounds.
That made me very uncomfortable.
[scoffs] Listen to me.
We have two options.
Yeah? And they are?
Live or die.
It really is that simple.
Now, don't know about you,
but I would quite like to live.
And I plan on getting
that 50 grand back too.
With or without you.
We are days away from anywhere.
We have no food, no map,
no fishing rod, no matches.
-They took--
-[Mildred] Everything.
I know. They took everything.
So? What now?
Are you familiar with
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
Abraham Maslow, 1943,
The Hierarchy of Needs.
At the base of the pyramid,
fundamental human needs,
the very foundations
of survival,
warmth, shelter, food and water.
Shelter, we have.
Warmth, we have.
All things considered, we're off
to a pretty good start.
Now, as calories
are in short supply,
I suggest we make camp...
by that lake down there.
We'll have food and water
on our doorstep.
We can plot our next move
from there with clear heads
and full bellies.
Now, tell me, Strawn,
Can you whittle?
Can I what?
[melodious music playing]
[grunts]
[birds cawing]
Keep going.
You're getting there.
[smiles nervously]
[Mildred] Come... on...
-Get back, I've got this.
-You sure about that?
[Mildred] Yes,
I'm sure about that.
I've read all about it.
What, just cause you
read about it doesn't mean you--
Silence. I need to concentrate.
Go and whittle.
How did you...
It's called magic.
The thumb flint.
"An essential weapon
in any illusionists arsenal."
Found a spare one.
[Strawn] Oh.
Christ.
Sorry. Guess I'm not
very good at whittling.
[Mildred] No, I didn't
think you would be.
That's why I asked you to do it.
What?
I wanted to give you something
to occupy your mind,
to focus on.
It's worked.
You've calmed down, haven't you?
We're still stranded out here.
And... voila!
Oh.
I'm going in.
[scoffs] What?
What, you really think you're
gonna be able to catch a--
[Mildred squeaks]
[excited laugh]
Look at this great big bugger!
[both] Mmm.
[Strawn mumbles, laughs]
[Mildred clears throat]
[In British accent]
Fancy a spot of tea, old chap?
Oh.
God, I would kill
for a cup of tea.
Well.
Piper Excelsum.
Known around these parts
as Kawakawa.
Kawakawa?
It has powerful
anti-septic properties.
And it happens to taste
scrump-diddly-umptious too.
Sling that down your gullet.
That's good. Really good.
[Mildred] Mm.
You know, Strawn?
I don't think less of you.
[Strawn] W... What?
That's what you're thinking,
isn't it?
That you... failed to be a man.
You crapped the bed
as a protector.
And your weakness put us
in grave danger.
And now, we're two
of the 8,000 people
who go missing
in New Zealand every year.
All because you're weak.
And naive.
And you refuse
to call to action.
Like a coward.
Is that what you really think?
No. No, that's what
I think you think.
[Strawn] What part
of it isn't true?
[scoffs]
God, I really messed
this up, didn't I?
I let him take everything.
I let him...
I just handed it to him
on a silver platter.
Just like you said.
You're talking about
Arnold or David Blaine?
Sorry.
[sighs] Look.
We lost it all.
It's a kick in the head,
no doubt.
But we've got grub our guts,
air in our lungs,
and somewhere cozy to sleep.
We're not done yet, mate.
No way.
No flying way.
Mildred.
Yeah?
I'll look after you.
[melodious guitar music plays]
[Mildred] Ooh!
See these
black and green mushrooms?
Yeah.
Well, if we ever get separated,
don't ever eat those.
Why? What happens?
Full-body numbness,
hallucinations, possible nausea,
and projectile vomiting.
Ooh. Sounds fun.
I'm obviously kidding.
Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad.
Drugs tear families
and communities apart.
[Mildred] Ah, here we go.
Pleurotus Parsonsaie.
Velvet oyster mushrooms.
I've always wanted to try these.
Why? Looks disgusting.
You know what looks disgusting?
The corpses that have succumbed
to starvation in the wilderness.
Dead people.
Hey. What is it?
Mildred, you okay?
I have to tell you something.
It'll change the way
you look at me,
forever, probably, but...
I have to say it.
Okay.
I used to wish...
...my mum would just disappear.
I'd... lie awake at night,
just hoping
that she wouldn't be there
when I woke up.
And you'd come.
[sniffles]
And you'd understand me.
You'd really understand me.
Like she never could.
[sniffles] We'd do
things together.
All the things
that Mum is too afraid to do.
Like, go camping.
Hunting.
Fishing.
You know?
Stuff of adventures.
And... [sniffles]
maybe my wish did come true.
But in the wrong ways.
[sniffles]
I...
I don't want my mum to go now.
I don't want her to go.
[sobs]
[sniffles]
And as for you understanding me,
[sniffles, sobs]
Here, have a tissue.
[chuckles]
[melodious music playing]
[heart monitor beeping]
Is this what you wanted?
Toast!
[breathes rapidly]
Hey. What is it?
What is it?
I had a bad dream and...
And now I need to go wee.
I don't want to go on my own.
Yeah. Okay.
Let me get my boots.
[yawns]
[faint, indistinct chatter]
[indistinct argument]
[Arnold] ...are supposed to
bring us together...
...but at the moment,
all I want to be is a million
bloody miles away from you.
[Strawn gasps loudly]
-It's them.
-Who?
Who'd you think?
The buggers who kidnapped me,
took our belongings,
left us for dead,
think you'd remember them?
What should we do?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Obvious?
No, it's not obvious.
In fact, it's very far
from obvious.
Hey. Where are you going?
[indistinct argument]
-Wait here.
-Wha--
[Angelina] You snogged my sister
and I'm supposed
to just let it go.
[Arnold] How many times
do I got to tell ya...
[Angelina] ...but you just
put your head in the sand
and think
everything's gone away.
Go away.
Just ignoring everything.
-When we have to talk--
-Shut up, woman, for God's sake.
Just let it go. Please.
-All night.
-Let it go?
You've been at me all night.
[Angelina] You've snogged
my sister.
You want me to just let it go.
Number one.
It was five years ago.
-[Arnold] Can you not let it go?
-[Angelina] My sister.
-[Arnold] Number two...
-[Angelina] My sister!
[Arnold] ...I was drunk.
She was drunk.
[Arnold] Number three.
She was terrible in bed,
her breath stunk...
Being an adult...
You know, I mean...
Relationships are just
so damn complicated.
Shh. Just listen.
[Angelina] ...vomit-flavored
stick...
[Arnold] All I want to do
is just get some sleep.
Please. I beg you.
[Angelina] Yeah. Sweet dreams.
[Arnold] Ah, shut up, woman.
Wait. You're not seriously gonna
grab our stuff, are you?
I'm seriously going
to grab our stuff.
Okay. Here's the plan.
I'm going to grab their bag
and I'm gonna toss it to you.
Just like a rugby ball.
Then we're both just
going to sprint up to our tent.
-Yeah?
-What?
And lead them straight
back to our headquarters?
Oh, yeah.
You're totally right.
Okay.
I'm going to run up
to that high ground there.
What if they catch us?
-They won't.
-Why?
'Cause I'm gonna
throw their boots
into the bush and snap
the tent zipper off.
Okay. That's officially
the craziest thing
I've ever heard.
I know. I'm bloody jazzed, too.
[loud snoring]
[clicks tongue] Okay.
Hear that?
They're snoring already.
We need to move
with maximum speed
and maximum stealth.
Go. Go. Go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
-[Mildred] No, no, no.
Jesus!
[loud snoring]
[zipper creaks]
[tense music]
Shh... shh.
-[metal clicks]
-[Arnold] Ah.
-[Arnold] What's going on?
-[Mildred] Go, Go!
Intruders!
You thieving swines!
I'm gonna kill youse!
I'll kill you! Ah!
[Arnold screams]
Get them, Jethro.
[Angelina]
It's our property now!
[Strawn yells, pants]
Come here, boy.
I'll kill youse! Kill ya!
[Arnold] That's my stuff!
-He's going to catch us!
-No, he's not.
How can you be sure?
Look at the ground!
[Arnold] Come back here!
-[twig snaps]
-Ah... Ah.
[both chuckling]
Here!
[both laugh]
Ah!
[whimpers]
[sobs loudly]
Ah! [sobs]
[both pant]
[Arnold wailing at a distance]
[Mildred] Ooh.
[wind whooshing]
[Arnold howling at a distance]
[Arnold yells] Listen,
you muppets!
It wasn't personal before,
but it's really personal now!
Ohh, I've made
a catastrophic blunder.
[Strawn] What? Why?
I appeared to have led us...
[water rushing]
to a cliff-edge.
[Strawn] Oh.
[dispiriting music]
Um...
Well...
I guess we could hide out.
And slowly make
our way back to camp.
We need to make sure
we've still got the proof.
-Get the camera.
-Right.
Here.
[camera clicks on]
[Arnold] Okay.
[Arnold] Okay, Darling.
Looking great.
[Arnold and Angelina laugh]
That's it, lovely,
give me a bit more hair.
How's that?
[Arnold] Oh, you
look beautiful. Just now...
Flick it, flick it
like your sister.
[Arnold mumbles]
What did you say?
[Arnold] I said,
flick your hair.
What?
They recorded over it.
[sniffles]
And they drained
the bloody battery.
[Strawn] Fifty grand.
Gone again.
Strawn?
We may have some more
pressing issues right now.
What could possibly
be more pressing than this?
Oh, this is definitely
more pressing.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
He looks hungry. They get bold
when they're hungry.
Maybe there's some
food in their bag.
Reach in slowly and have a look.
[panther growls]
-[Mildred] Anything?
-Huh, huh.
Let's see if they like
ham sandwiches.
[Arnold grunts]
[panther growls]
[sniffs, snorts]
[panther growls]
All right, come on.
We gotta move.
[Mildred whimpers]
[panther roars]
-[panther snorts]
-No!
Um, can panthers climb ropes?
[growling intensifies]
No, they can't.
[yells] Alright, get on.
Go, go, go, go.
[Mildred screams, pants]
-[Mildred yells]
-Don't stop moving.
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn whimpers]
Nice kitty!
-[panther roars]
-[screams]
[intense music playing]
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn] Just keep going.
Don't stop!
[Strawn whimpers]
-[panther growls]
-[Strawn screams]
[panther roars]
He's trying to tear the rope!
[Mildred whimpers]
-[Mildred whimpers]
-[Strawn screams]
[Mildred yells]
[Mildred] Ah!
[Strawn] We're gonna make it.
Ow. Ow, my hands hurt.
I can't hold on.
-You can do it.
-[Mildred] Ah.
Keep going.
Ow!
[Strawn grunts]
I can't do it.
Yes, you can. You got this.
[grunts]
[Mildred cries out]
[Strawn] You've got it,
it's okay.
Ah!
[screams]
I'm coming.
[Strawn grunts]
Now, hold on!
-[rope snaps]
-[Mildred screams]
[Strawn] No, no, no, no, no.
[both] No!
[Mildred] Help me!
[screams] Help!
-[Mildred] Strawn!
-I'm coming.
-[Mildred screams]
-[Strawn] Mildred!
[Mildred] I'm slipping.
Don't let go.
[Mildred yells] No!
[Strawn] No, no, no!
Hold on!
Strawn! Help!
[Strawn] Mildred!
[Strawn grunts]
[both scream]
-[Strawn grunts]
-Don't let go!
-[Strawn] Ah, I got you.
-[Mildred screams] No!
I got you. Look at me.
-Don't let it--
-Mildred!
-Mildred, look at me.
-Don't...
Wrist strength
of a professional wrestler.
Remember?
[whimpers]
Now, just stay calm.
When you're ready,
I want you to...
-[Mildred screams]
-[panther roars]
[both scream]
-[Strawn grunts]
-[Mildred] No!
[both scream]
[panther growls]
[shrill whistle]
[dogs barking at a distance]
[rumbling]
[howling]
-[dogs barking]
-[thunder clapping]
[Strawn grunts]
Mildred.
[grunts]
Ah!
[Mildred screams]
[Strawn] Ah!
[Mildred screaming loudly]
Mildred!
[Mildred screams]
Strawn, help me,
help me, please!
Oh, God!
[screams] Don't move it.
-[gasps]
-[Mildred screams in pain]
-[Strawn] Jesus.
-Help!
It's gonna be okay, Mildred.
You're gonna be fine.
[shivers] Mushrooms.
Huh?
Why are you talking
about mushrooms?
For the pain.
Please.
Right. Yeah.
[sobs and cries out]
-[Strawn] Come on. Come on!
-[Mildred screaming at distance]
Ha!
Oh, damn it.
-Uh...
-[Mildred] Strawn!
Ah. Screw it!
[grunts]
[screams]
I got all of them.
Um, which ones?
Green and... Green and black.
This? Are you sure?
Yeah.
Hold my hand.
I'm so... so sorry.
Mildred?
[faint, indistinct voice]
[Strawn] Wake up.
Hey there.
Welcome back.
Feel fizzy.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking that,
between getting you kidnapped,
attacked by a panther,
thrown off a cliff,
and feeding you weird mushrooms,
I've secured my place
on the Mount Rushmore
of disappointing dads.
Yeah, that's great.
That's all great.
I'm great.
You're great.
The planet is really great.
It's all so bloody great.
Now might be a good time to get
that great, big,
bloody tree off my legs.
-[both chuckle]
-Come on, Dad.
What did you say?
[Mildred] Huh? Nothing.
You called me "Dad."
Did I?
[Strawn] Yeah, you did.
Ready?
Alright.
[Mildred giggles deliriously]
[Strawn grunts]
Come on.
[grunts, groans]
Come on!
[grunts]
[pants]
I... I can't do it.
It's too heavy.
Ace of diamonds.
-What?
-It's the magic trick...
on the window,
when we met.
I lied. I lied to you.
[chuckles]
It was my card.
[Mildred chuckles]
Come on, Dad. You can do this.
"Believe in magic,"
that's what you said.
[vibrating music]
[reverberating music booms]
[music intensifies]
[laughing]
[music fades out]
[melodious guitar music playing]
[Mildred] I've had enough
of camping.
Can we go home now?
What are the magic words?
I love you...
with all of my heart.
[Angelina] What are you doing?
[Arnold] Well, you might not
be familiar with this,
this is called
keeping your kit clean.
[Angelina] Just chuck it
in the car.
[Strawn] You got
to be kidding me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Angelina] Okay, look,
just shut up, Jethro.
Shut up for ever.
[Strawn] Okay, okay, I got it.
[Angelina] No, I'm driving.
Why do you keep banging on
about that? On and on and on?
[Arnold] I drive...
Oi, oi...
What are you doing?
[Arnold and Angelina shout]
Come here.
Ah... Oi...
[Arnold yells]
That's my Plymouth!
[Angelina yelling]
Jethro, just grab the car.
[Arnold] Go easy on the clutch!
[Angelina] Useless!
Those bloody muppets
are even worse than us.
[screams] Ah! My God.
Oh, my God.
[laughing]
Whoo!
It's okay.
[laughs]
Everything's gonna be okay.
I promise.
Smile for your mum.
She'll never believe this.
Shouldn't you be
watching the road?
-[Strawn laughs]
-Dad?
-[Mildred] Dad?
-[Strawn laughs]
Oh, God!
[both scream]
[panther roars]
[panther grunting]
[Mildred] Hm.
[heart monitor beeps]
[Jonesie purring]
[Mildred whispers] Dad?
[Strawn] Hm.
[breathes deeply]
[Mildred] Mum.
[Mildred] Jonesie.
[Jonesie growls]
["Anything Could Happen"
playing]
[Strawn] Smile for your mum.
She'll never believe this.
Shouldn't you
be watching the road?
-[Strawn chuckles]
- Dad!
[screams] Dad!
[Strawn] Oh, snap!
[panther growling]
Went to a doctor,
Said I look so hard
And with a smile on his face
Put him into a junkyard
Look for an answer
In empty doorways
Talk to a dancer,
Said it's out on the highway
Well, come on, Doctor
Won't you gimme a shot
I'm feeling cold boy
Feeling hot
The doctor said no boy
You gotta learn...
[woman on TV] The hunt is on
for a mysterious black cat,
which was spotted prowling
on a Mid Canterbury farm.
Locals are convinced,
it was a panther.
Just looked like
a big, black cat,
really, it was yeah, just...
It's quite long,
had a big long tail...
Like, it had that cat walk,
you know, normally you can tell
the difference between
a dog and a cat.
But no, definitely, definitely
wouldn't have been a dog.
Cat poo with, um,
bits of fur or bone in it.
Um, perhaps remains of prey...
[man 1] Hmm.
Yeah, I see it, I see it.
That's pretty big.
-That's not a [bleep] cat.
-[man 2] Hey?
[man 1] That isn't a cat.
That's [bleep] huge!