BROS. Last Call (2018) Movie Script

When you hear the
first computer,
fax machine, female lawyer.
Where do you think
they're all from?
The Silicon valley?
Perhaps even New York.
No, this is Iowa.
Home of the only division
1A football stadium
named after an
AfricanAmerican, Jack Trice.
Who attended Iowa State
University in the 20s.
He was the second
AfricanAmerican competing
in college football at
a major university.
Who's the first?
Frank Holbrook, who
played for the.
University of Iowa
a decade earlier.
During the Civil War,
76,534 lowans served
in The Union.
No other state had a
higher percentage
of its male population serve.
This is Waterloo.
Waterloo, Iowa.
This city, with the greatest
tractors ever made.
This is East High.
Record for the longest
football winning streak
in the state.
Strangely enough, the record
for the longest
losing streak, too.
But whatever.
Hey, Cedar Falls, suck
my dick from behind
for pointing that out
in the first movie.
Waterloo West High.
The high school of the
greatest wrestler
of all time, Dan Gable.
Waterloo is the home
of the greatest
American Navy family,
the Sullivans.
The Sullivan brothers all
died on the same ship
in the South Pacific
during World War II.
This is a story that
inspired the movie,
Saving Private Ryan.
But my town of Waterloo,
that's where you're gonna get
the real American Experience.
A large glass of scotch,
plenty of great food,
and genuine conversation.
American Pie was awesome.
I can't believe the kid
from Rookie of the Year
got Tara Reid.
Harold was not aware of this.
Who was the kid from
Rookie of the Year?
Thomas Ian Nicholas,
if I ever meet him,
I'm gonna tell him The
Floater was shit.
Tara Reid is hot.
I like the part where the dude
put his dick in the pie.
How do you know he's Jewish?
Because his dad is
Eugene Levy, Jew.
You come off so antisemitic.
You need to work on that.
The intern Clinton
nailed was a Jew.
You know, in 20 years,
our presidents, they'll
be married to models
and plowing porn stars.
You Neanderthals.
Since your parents divorced,
your weekends with your
dad have been great.
Thank you Father,
for allowing us to
watch R rated movies.
Pisses Mom off,
which is funny.
I prefer American
Beauty over American Pie.
It will win an Oscar.
I would rather see
a Jew screw a pie
over a plastic bag
in the wind any day.
Dad keeps asking
me how many times
the new boyfriend comes,
comes about three times a week.
Mom comes about seven or eight.
Quit being such a fag, Dad.
Move on, get a chick,
sell some more Saturns
or something.
If you ever need to
talk about your feelings,
after the divorce, Harold
is a good listener.
Feelings?
I have two Christmases
now, you cock munchers.
Hey, where's Taylor?
He's hanging with
his girl he met.
She's here for the summer.
What is this, Grease?
Those summer, nights
I prefer Grease 2.
Much better movie.
Musical scenes, way better.
Best bowling scene
in film history.
Taylor would sell
out his buddies
for a chick any day.
Pervert, Dee tried to tell him
to keep his hands to himself.
I will wait for the
right girlfriend.
Harold is classy.
I want a lady with
that same standard.
Fag.
No way Richard Gere's going
to rescue you if
you're a hooker.
Yeah, I guess he did
make out with her.
You don't kiss a
hooker on the mouth.
No.
They'll bite off the
tip of your tongue.
They'll bite right on.
Like that shame on guy.
Wait, ShamWow guy.
You know the guy
from the infomercial
with the shammy.
Yeah.
He made out with a hooker.
And she bit off the
tip of his tongue.
Holy shit!
Bit it right off.
You don't kiss a
hooker on the mouth.
No shit.
And Richard Gere gives her money
to go shopping?
No, no.
He would've taken
her in an alley,
bent her over a
dumpster, and said,
"yeah, take that pig!"
Now that's a movie
I would totally
go, I would pay
money to see that.
Yeah, you we think
we're above men
in this area, but we
are just as depraved.
How many copies
of Fifty Shades of
Gray were sold?
Three blockbuster films.
Oh, my God.
Honestly, I mean, I'd
rather see that rich guy
work over that chick,
than watch the fucking Notebook.
I would rather have
my Catholic grandmother
catch me watching hardcore
gay porn
than to watch the
fucking Notebook.
Gay porn is the best, though.
That's a real romance movie.
Well, no, watching some twink
get turned out by a
couple of hairy bears,
hot.
Yeah, take that pig.
Hey, where's Tanner?
I don't know, man.
I don't think his fiance
likes him hanging out with me.
Why?
She treats me like I'm
from Marshal Town, man.
I'm gonna take him out
to the Tiger's Den.
He's gonna get hopped
up on crystal meth,
take a swing at a stripper.
Well, she did have to
pick you guys up last week
at four in the morning.
It's different man.
Dave's stash makes some
killer Vegas bombs.
Look at you man.
Maybe you're the issue.
Maybe he can't come
here because of you.
You look like
the devil wears Tommy Bahama.
Hey bro,
this shit gets me
anything I want.
And you're no peach
yourself either.
I know.
A grown man wearing
Justin Bieber jacket.
Maybe she's a little bit right.
But still, fuck her.
Dude,
you tell him to tell her
he's at the real library.
That's what I'm thinking.
Maybe you she'll
wind up allowing
him to come out.
Maybe he's gonna go
and say he's gonna
I don't know,
get like a boxcar kids
novel, or Sweet Valley High.
Hey, have we had this
conversation before?
Matt,
we have this conversation
every time.
Tanner's fiance's a bitch.
Major bitch.
She's says that Tanner can't
come down here anymore
because she doesn't want
him hanging around.
Mr. Lance.
Oh, she said Jeff
Lance is a misogynist.
What a dumb clam.
I don't even know gymnastics.
No, dude.
That's a contortionist.
What the hell's a misogynist?
It's a man who's
prejudice against women,
thinks that they're inferior.
Doesn't she know
that I'm Jeff Lance?
I love women.
That's right man.
You love women.
You're Jeff Lance.
You don't treat women
like an object.
They treat you like an object.
I know.
I'm actually sensitive.
I have feelings.
I want to be held
and listened to
like a puppy.
You know what,
I'm gonna text Tanner,
tell him
hey,
tell your fiance
that Jeff says
misogynists is an
awfully big word
for such a little girl.
And send.
Dude, that's something
a misogynist would say.
Exactly.
Funny, bro.
Don't worry about it.
She doesn't it to everyone.
Yeah, she calls
everyone sexist,
racist,
homophobe.
You name it.
Small minds do
it all the time.
Sexist.
Homophobe.
Racist.
Vocal trump cards
for the idiots.
You are a little
antisemitic at times.
Don't worry, Matt,
the Jews will not replace you.
Hey.
Got a text from Tanner.
His fiance says she
will let us come over,
but for just one drink.
And we have to have
it in the driveway.
In the driveway?
It's like on King of the Hill,
Dammit Bobby.
The Fiance is such a bitch.
Yeah man, I don't
know what you mean man.
You know what, fuck it.
Let's have shots.
Shots.
You ever know about Toby Huss?
Actor from Marshalltown?
Played the voices of Kahn
and Grampaw Hill.
So anyway,
he was up for the part
of Mr. Miyagi,
and he showed up to
the first audition
piss drunk and did
the most racist,
asian voice he possibly could,
and got brought back for
the second audition.
In his second audition,
he came in sober,
lost the part.
So dude, where you headed?
Waterloo?
Sierra Falls.
I'm fucking with you.
The hate you
fought for reason
Found out your faults
Hide behind
The picture perfect lights
The times you in the corner
Dusting for fingerprints
From cages painted pretty
Pictures of your sins
Give me igigignorance
Give what you can give
IglgIgnorance
Hit them with
What to give
Alright
Put ononon the table
Watch for shifty eyes
Serving cold revenge
With the side of spite
Satisfaction don't come easy
But to take it all with ease
With our guests, them guests
I'll just better leave
Give me igigignorance
Give what you can give
IglgIgnorance
Hit them with
What they give
Alright
Ignorance
Hit them with
What they give
Prowrestling was a staple
in every kid's lives
at some point.
There's three
prestigious
prowrestling hall of
fame's in America.
Cauliflower Alley Club,
WWE,
George Tragos,
Lou Thesz Pro Wrestling
Hall of Fame.
That one is held here
in Waterloo, Iowa.
Former inductees are,
Mick Foley,
Edge,
Kurt Angle,
Iron Sheik,
Jim Ross,
Terry Funk,
Rowdy Rowdy Piper.
The Million Dollar
Man, Ted Dibiase,
the excellence of execution,
Bret "The Hitman" Hart,
and even the governor,
Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
But the one,
the one that always stuck
with me and my friends,
the man,
spent more money
on spilled liqueur
from all ends of the
world in one year
that you'll ever
make in a lifetime.
I'm talking about
the kiss stealing,
the wheeling, dealing,
Rolex wearing,
limonene riding,
jet flying son of a gun,
the nature boy,
limonene Flair.
Woo.
I was in there
cause I'm loud in there,
and I saw you out here
just bumming around.
I landed you a ticket.
Dude.
When the fuck did you
become a prowrestler?
Since 2010.
You know that.
Dipshit.
Jesus Christ.
That's awesome.
Yeah, you can get one $20.
No, you know what,
friends and family discount,
Yeah.
Fucking A.
Drinks after?
Drinks after.
Our boy, Frisco.
And the monster,
Malice.
Wrestling fans,
our winners.
Wrestling tag team champions,
the team of,
and Malice.
I was pouring myself
a stiff drink
At Christmas
Eve
You was looking at me
Like I should
Go
You think by now when see
That bottle
You should know
We're not walking sideways
I ain't trying to
steal the show
Where I drink
So I drank
Now I'm drunk
Bottoms up
Well I drink
So I drank
Now I'm drunk
Bottoms up
I was watching the
game at the bar
Last Monday
Night
Guys, how was it?
Better than Bros.
It was time to
Go
But my friends are here
And there's lots of beer
And the post game
Show
So before you get
mad at me later
Just remember that
I told you so
Well I drink
So I drank
Now I'm drunk
Bottoms up
Well I drink
So I drank
Now I'm drunk
Bottoms up
Well I drink
So I drank
Now I'm drunk
Bottoms up
Well I drink
So I drank
Just like Hank
Now I'm
Drunk, again
Firewater,
a bar that is one block
from the Sullivan
brother's center.
On stage right now,
Pamela the Punisher poet.
The only dominatrix poet
to ever make it.
And, her sidekick,
our good friend Sam the Slave.
Ode to the little piggy,
dirty, nasty little piggy.
I'm going to make you mine
so get on your knees
and whine, you nasty swine.
I am Pamela,
the Punisher poet.
And you're just my little piggy
and everyone's going to know it.
I am the only dominatrix
poet to ever make it
so get on your knees
you nasty little pig
and take it.
I love Pamela the Punisher.
I love poetry.
You girls have boyfriends?
Yes.
Fantastic.
I love you Pamela
the Poet Punisher.
Rutro.
Where's Scooby and the gang?
Solve any mysteries lately?
No, not,
not today.
Why?
Is your mom picking you up
from little league later?
I'm in a league.
Is your priest
still molesting you?
You look like Lance
Armstrong without the roids.
You look like Tom Hanks
and the end of Philadelphia.
You look like Chaz Bono
in a fun house mirror.
Sam.
What's up man, how's it going?
Good.
Yeah, could I get
a scotch please?
Yeah, put that one on me.
Classy as always, sir.
Dude, how's it going man?
Where's Tanner at?
He's with his fiance, man.
Well that's what
happens, right.
You get older.
You get kids.
Got a nice wife, I guess.
Or you can just be the guy
drinking alone at the bar.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Apparently right now,
he's two knuckles deep
in a game of scrabble
with his finance.
Scrabble.
Don't you have to know
words for scrabble?
Yeah.
You know that guy's just
playing idiotic stuff.
He's probably
sitting there bored
making houses and
stuff like that.
Fucking lame crap.
Idiot.
He's gonna play like this,
they, them,
it, as, and,
an,
and then do the D.
And then yeah, you know
he's gonna get to there
and have like the wrong one.
Like he's gonna go
ahead and say ah,
this means
they are, right.
They are, right.
He's gonna be asking.
His fiance has to be having
the worst time right now.
Well, woo.
Look what he just played.
Actually, Tanner is
playing scrabble
with is fiance
with a bunch of her friends.
She spelled Fount,
which earned her
24 points.
She was quite proud.
Tanner had a word too.
His fiance kept pestering him
on his vocabulary all night.
Starts with a Q.
That earned him
triple letter score.
So guess what Tanner's word is.
I'll give you a few hints.
Muff grunt,
box burp,
sliz sneeze,
womb wheeze,
cunt cough.
That's right.
Tanner's word is Queef.
And if you're still lost,
Google pussy fart.
Queef earned Tanner 63
points total on the word
and gave him the lead.
His finance was pissed.
But her Ceder Falls
friends were impressed,
and also laughing so hard
that Tanner's finally
in with them.
Just goes to show you
everyone comes together
at a campground
over a twat tune.
Triple letter score
on the letter Q, nice.
Nice.
He's putting that extra
chromosome to use.
I'll drink my scotch to that.
I'm telling you guys,
Jeff Lance is my real father.
I know it.
He went in with your mom
when he was 12 years old,
you do realize this.
That's what I'm saying.
She had Jeff in class
when he was 12.
That means your mom's
a child molester.
Yes, but my real
father's a stud.
Well, it makes sense.
You do like raw
dogging the strange.
Patrick Plumly.
He owns On The Rocks,
a bar with over 15
different Moscow mules,
eight craft beers on tap,
and even more
bottled and canned.
A place like On The
Rocks is a staple
in the Waterloo nightlife.
Come have some of
the best drinks,
cocktails, beers in the
whole Ceder Valley
all while taking in some artwork
of a vintage Waterloo.
The Dipshit Twins,
the smartest guys in the valley.
They received the highest marks
at Iowa State University.
Later, they attended both
Columbia and Harvard.
Inspired by their heroes,
Neil Degrasse Tyson
and Carl Sagan.
But like any other genius,
if you want to throw them off,
get them on a sex topic.
It totally throws a genius off.
Einstein can come up with
a theory of relativity,
but ask that
nonpracticing Jew krout
to find the G spot on a woman,
and he will be more shaken
than Richard Spencer
asking for directions in a KFC
on the southside of Chicago.
You know,
I was thinking
on the topic of
black holes again.
Here we go.
We do not know
what laws of physics apply
within a black hole.
We just don't.
We're applying standard
laws of physics,
but they can't apply there.
They can't.
Again,
the standard laws of physics
can apply to a black hole
if there is any presence
of something here on earth
such as
gravity.
Gravity.
Oh, so that's what
Google was talking about
when I looked it up earlier.
Yes,
the same gravity that
takes this beautiful dart
to the black
hole of that
gaping bullseye.
Right in the center.
Don't look.
Well,
Jesus Christ.
What in the world of Breaking
Bad biology did I walk in on?
Matt.
You nerds talking about.
Black holes again?
Just because we
identify as nerds
doesn't mean you
can call us nerds.
We can call each other nerds.
You can't call us nerds.
Nerd.
Hey, nerd.
Hey.
Yes, we're talking
about black holes.
Man, you guys talk
about black holes
more than Robert Pinero.
Hold on.
He's doing that
comedy thing again.
Because
Robert De Niro,
Bobby as I call him,
he likes black women.
So that is funny.
Bobby of Niro
likes black.
Jesus guys.
Seriously.
But I'll play along.
Oh.
So,
let's just say the guy
particle accelerator
and taken out all these
mini black holes.
Yes, you're
speaking my language.
They go ahead and toss us
into the Mandela Effect.
Mandela Effect.
The Mandela Effect refers to
an enlarged number of people
share a false memory,
originally attributed
to the existence
of multiple universes.
Are we currently residing in it?
Let's see.
Answer the question.
Bernstein.
I guess you could
be a possibility.
Next question.
It could be a possibility.
But.
If only you were to believe in
alternate timelines.
Or I don't know,
maybe something
like alternate universes.
A bubble universe.
I get it.
Like Rick and Morty, right.
No, I don't like
Rick and Morty.
It's too smart for me.
Make my brain hurt.
Pickle.
Pickle dick.
Ow.
It's pickle Rick.
I got another question
for you guys.
You think
because.
Yes.
These black holes opening,
toss us into an
alternate universe
within ourselves
that we actually have
non binary people.
People who do not identify
as either gender,
nor masculine, nor feminine.
That they see neither of them.
That however they exist
outside the binary,
and outside the cis normativity.
I'm telling you some people
do not see gender, but just see
who they actually
are as a person.
See people.
I've been to 17
different colleges.
Dizzy.
Matt,
what the fuck are you
talking about man?
Yeah.
What are you saying?
I'm just saying
these people don't see gender.
You're hurting
Dipshitowits one.
Shut up, Dipshitowits two.
How can you not see gender?
That's
all you can see when
you're doing it.
Look,
hey, hey, hey.
Honk, honk.
It's all you can see.
Hey, hey, gender, gender,
gender, gender.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's put it,
hey,
hey.
Hey.
I'm doing both parts.
Hey.
What?
You're gonna get
us kicked out again.
Sorry.
What are you gonna do?
Oh yeah, here's a big seven inch
dark and red veiny,
sweaty,
smelly nonbinary.
It's my big,
huge,
two inches,
give or take
veiny.
Looks almost like...
Big, huge,
two inches?
Go.
I mean,
I don't think they see it
kind of that way boys.
Well you sometimes
you need a microscope,
but you can see it that way.
You can see it.
I've looked.
Scientific curiosity.
Nothing weird.
Look, Matt,
let's put it in dummy language.
Yeah, we're the Dipshits.
Sure.
There's no denying dick.
Yeah.
There's no denying dick.
There's no.
You know what.
What?
Let's go home.
Yeah.
Get the whiteboard out,
put some fricking Windex on it.
And then we're gonna
figure this out
for once and for all.
Yeah Matt.
You're such a fricking Ahole.
Pardon my language, but
we're trying to
go on solve
the straight dairy problem.
Now you got me all twisted up.
Now we have to
fricking solve
nonbinary.
Computer scientists.
Let's go.
A couple of science nerds,
they're not very PC.
Indepedent film.
They must have meant
Independent film.
The Mandela Effect.
But an Independent film
set in Waterloo, Iowa
named Bros.
Oh man, that's got to suck.
You running off
my customers again?
Come on man, they were
just gonna drink up
my fucking favorite scotch.
Doesn't matter.
Tell you what,
I'm gonna drink the
majority of that bottle
in there anyways.
And they were probably gonna
have a bunch of waters.
It won't matter.
They're science dorks.
I'm a drunk.
I pay more.
I love alcoholism.
Hey, hey,
the Waterloo Manati
meeting just let out?
Matt, good to see you.
Good seeing you.
Where's your buddy, Tanner?
He's out with his
fiance tonight.
Yep.
That happens when you get older.
People, they get married.
They have kids.
Be happy for your friend.
Yeah, speaking of which,
he's playing scrabble with her.
Check out the word he played.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice placement
there on that Q.
Triple letter score.
63 points.
Very nice.
Yeah.
I hate drinking alone.
Eat your bread
with joy and drink your wine
with a merry heart,
for god has already approved
what you do.
That's beautiful.
Who's that?
Luke Bryant?
Kanye West?
It's Ecclesiastes nine seven.
It's from the bible.
Yeah.
I always try to give musicians
way too much credit.
Let me ask you something,
what have you done so far today?
Well, it started off.
I had some shots with Jeff
Lance at the Library.
I went and saw
prowrestling at the
Five Sullivan Center.
And went and saw Pamela The
Punisher Poet next door.
It's been pretty cool.
All that in the course
of one Saturday afternoon
in the Cedar Valley.
You know,
the Douist define grace
not so much
by the words that you say,
but by your actions,
your movements,
how you live life.
You have more wealth in
these few city blocks
than most people have
anywhere in the world.
Where else,
other than
maybe Las Vegas or something
can you get
a glass of scotch that full?
Be happy for your friends,
for they come and go.
You know they'll always
be those children
and those wives out there.
Be happy for them too
because this too may
come for you someday.
Yeah.
What if it doesn't?
Well then you're just
another old guy at a bar.
But see that's okay too.
You need to cherish
your memories,
enjoy your scotch,
and remember the five
Sullivan brothers.
They would have loved to be
able to come back to this town
and enjoy it the
way that you have.
How'd you get so wise?
I come from Oelwein, Iowa.
Oh hey, I have two tickets
to the court games.
Starts in about 15 minutes.
If you can find somebody
to go with you, great.
If not, then you just
enjoy your evening.
Thanks man.
I always appreciated
our friendship.
Take care.
Finish that scotch.
The Cedar Valley court games.
Waterloo's Midwest
professional basketball team.
Actually, the Midwest
professional basketball league
champions.
Speaking of broke,
do you have enough
money to finish
paying for your haircut?
I see, it's cool, it's cool.
It's hard out here man.
You look like Raggedy Anne
after a house fire, man.
People's hair,
I mean one more hair strand
falls out your hair, man,
you're gonna look like broke
Bruce Willis or something.
I'm just saying.
Jersey Shore reject.
You look like old Asians.
Speaking of that,
you sure look like
you came off the gas
golf course seven.
I did, I see you dad there.
Speaking of rejects,
like your hairline's
been rejecting
your forehead a little bit.
I don't know what's going on.
Your hairline look
like a fundraiser.
I'm sorry.
You guys are black.
You kind of look like an Oreo.
A broreo.
I like that.
I like that, let's toast
to that right there.
Bros for life.
Bros for life.
So I was thinking,
and I think I might
like the sound
of some little feet
pitter pattering.
I think maybe we
should start a family.
Oh my god.
I love being your wife.
I would make such a great mom.
I would love to have
a little boy or girl with you.
Okay.
I'll throw away the condoms.
You start taking
your temperature
and charting your days.
And I'll triangulate
the insemination
for the best possible outcome.
The way you sound it,
it's so dirty.
I love it.
Black Hawk county seat
was originally in Cedar Falls.
Yeah, and then some
Waterloo residents
went over and seized
the documents
and brought them
back to Waterloo.
Wait, is this a story
where they threw
eggs at each other?
Yeah, they called
it the egg war.
Hard boiled.
Just like city councils
in these towns.
Or over easy,
like the Cedar Valley women.
So according to this,
we conceived on the weekend
of the 11th and the 12th.
Hey, that was the weekend
I was out of town at
my nana's funeral.
Oh my god.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I fucked somebody else
that weekend too.
C'est la vie.
Sera, sera.
Mom, you got to stop
hitting on guys my age.
Stop flirting with
my guy friends.
You know people think we could
actually be sisters.
You slow down.
You're way too much.
I am a cougar.
It's our time now.
I will not slow down.
It's MILF time.
Gross.
Your little friend,
Jake, didn't think so.
This is Elias,
a good Christian boy.
Drank way too much one night.
Actually, he went on an
entire weekend bender.
Now, he's in
alcoholic's anonymous.
So we refer to him as.
AA Elias.
Shit this shit's man.
Why don't they fix
this shit, dude?
Who gives a shit.
Hey, Jorge.
What you want, dude?
You know I'm really
concerned about you man.
I'm really concerned
about your health.
Hwy don't you take
a look at this.
Really could help you out.
You think?
Yeah man.
It helped me.
Whatever dude.
Go away dude, I'm drinking.
Alright, just think
about it, man.
Yeah whatever dude.
Go fuck yourself.
Holy shit, AA works.
Alright.
I love the two of you in Oz.
What's up man.
Hey, what's up Jorge?
What's up dude?
Marcel, can I get another run?
Thank you.
This time of the day, dude?
Yeah.
You have the same one too.
I'm in mourning dude.
Yeah, I guess I'm
in mourning too.
Why, Anthony Bourdain too?
You heard about that shit too?
No, Tanner.
He's got a fiance.
Can't hang out with me.
He found someone
tighter than you, huh.
Yeah, I guess in a way.
In a way?
Really?
Yeah.
Who's fucking push
light is that?
That's that milk weed,
Tyler of the tool.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Was diet mountain dew too spicy?
For that milk weed
motherfucker, maybe.
Oh yeah.
Extra cheese was a good call.
It's a two flusher, baby.
Pouring one out for your
dead homies over there?
You guys both have a grinder.
That's how you guys met.
That's awesome.
Good for you guys.
You guys are a beautiful couple.
I like the melting pot
kind of situation going on here.
Hey, at least I get
swiped right, motherfucker.
Hey, what's with the jacket?
Were you worried about
the Jews replacing you?
You couldn't replace me.
I look like
if Adolph Hitler could
perfectly design somebody.
A genetically modified boy
band member basically.
Yeah, the Richard
Spencer Five.
I've heard of them.
You're just like my uncle.
You went south of the border.
You got a nice Hispanic wife.
You're like the guy
from Modern Family.
That's awesome.
You're adorable.
That's like your mom said.
She thinks I'm real cute.
She put me up in her big
strong Mexican arms,
like a big bundle of fruit.
Just picked me up.
Hey,
where's your dipshit friend at?
Tyler?
Pulling doubles over
at the golf course, man.
Golf pro.
Making that good money.
He's got a kid on the way.
He fucks girls, unlike you guys.
Putting.
The short game.
Well, half the game actually.
You master this, and
I think I see a little green
jacket in your future.
But,
but you got to eye on the ball
and then put through
to the hole.
Through to the hole.
But,
you got to focus.
Buddy.
Focus.
Hey, I thought that was a
baby ruth in Caddyshack.
Yeah, but all they
had was snickers.
Hey, no more
Caddyshack references.
But man, orange balls.
Hey Wayne, this is
a swanky joint.
Go tell him you're Jewish.
No more Caddyshack references.
No more Caddyshack references.
I'm fucking serious.
Oh baby.
This is a big one.
Alright, don't count that one.
That was interfered with.
The whole world needs
ditch diggers too.
What'd I say about
Caddyshack references?
What's the matter?
I just want to bring
you a present.
No
more.
Caddyshack references.
Hey, that's from
Caddyshack two.
Yeah, it's from
Caddyshack two, bra.
Shit man.
The last time I saw you,
the night in Cedar
Falls with Heather.
Yet that girl talks about
how small my dick is.
Like you're six foot four,
everything looks that small
compared to that.
Come on.
You ever notice
when she gets mad,
she kind of looks
like William Defoe?
Oh dude, it's like
kind of like seeing my stepdad.
It's crazy.
Like
the guy that got shot
by fucking Jake Taylor
from Major League in Platoon,
you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah dude.
Oh my god.
Was she on the rescue
in the Boondock Saints?
Yeah.
Born on the fourth of July.
You two are peas in a pod.
What are you, a fucking
shake swords together sometimes.
That's not a bad idea?
Yeah man.
Hey, you got to have
somebody from a movie
talk shit about your dick,
who would it be?
Oh man, probably
Hannibal Lector, man.
He'd be like
go into great detail about it,
and then like snack that shit
up with some fava beans.
What about you?
Weirdly,
Cruella de Vil.
101 Dalmatians.
Yeah.
Yeah, she'd talk shit about it,
she'd still see
the beauty in it.
She'd just have to
find a 100 more
and fashion it in to a
fashionable jacket.
A nice little dick coat.
Yeah, who wouldn't wear
a dick skinned jacket?
I would look good
in a dick coat.
That jacket is tighter
than dick skin.
Absolutely.
So,
fuck it.
You want to go to Lava Lounge?
I'll buy you a scotch.
$12,
the good kind.
Trailer Park Boys, nice.
Nice.
Well, it looks like
I'm Julien on this one,
cause I'm taking
my drink with me.
It's about to fucking time.
Have a good one.
Adios amigo.
Yeah, fuck yourself.
No, C3PO has a silver leg.
Mandela Effect.
No, what.
No, no, no, no, no.
C3PO is gold
and Han did the Castle Run
in 12 parsecs.
Duh.
Pretty sure it was 14.
He told Chewy
that he rounded down in Solo.
Either way,
it's still impressive.
So,
is Rey Han and Leia's kid?
How the hell
would Luke and Leia
not sense that?
I mean these jedis are unreal.
Leia can Mary Poppins through
the vacuum of space,
but she can't keep track
of her damn kids.
There's no way that Rey
is their kid anyway.
Han and Leia,
no, there's no way.
No.
Jedi's are shitty parents.
Do you think
that
at like another
bar in this town,
there are girls talking
about Star Trek
like we're talking
about Star Wars.
No way.
Yeah, Star Trek is dumb.
You're right.
You can have your
Captain Pikard.
You can have your Captain Kirk,
but I'm after that Spock.
There's a reason for
live long and prosper.
I'd put a smile on
that Vulcan's face.
I understand that.
But I want Mr. Chekov
as I want to make him my first.
You know them virgins.
I want to take him boldly
where no man has gone before.
Girl.
You know in can do a little.
Only you girl.
I'm telling you,
that's the way it's
supposed to be.
Cheers.
You know, I gotta say,
Rent by far is the
greatest musical
ever created.
It has heart.
It's visceral.
And it just moves you
in every way possible.
And also, it really hits home
with all my gay friends
and what they have to endure.
Les Miserable is the
greatest musical of all time.
It digs into the human spirit,
the struggle.
They yearn to be part
of a higher power,
and the grace of humanity.
Cats is the best.
I just love it.
Cute little cats running around.
And they don't make me
sneeze like real cats.
The Music Man,
a light hearted musical
set in Iowa.
It saw the best production of it
at the Cedar Falls
Community Theater
at the.
The Waterloo Community Playhouse
also had a superb
production of it.
You guys are all wrong.
I'm not trying to
be a dickhead but,
awful selections.
Greese 2 is
profoundly better than everything
you guys have mentioned.
You can roll your eyes,
but it really is.
You're just gonna
have to revisit it.
The Music Man?
I don't mean any disrespect,
I just,
that's like,
it's child's play
for grandparents.
It makes lowans
seem like
frumpy fools that
can't spot a fraud
a half a cornfield away.
It's not any good.
Cats.
I don't have enough
scotch for Cats.
Rent man.
Rent's insufferable.
It just, like I get it.
Like I understand the struggle.
Totally sympathize
with the gay community
in New York City during Aids
and persecution,
living in weirdly
shitty apartments.
But really all it did was enable
white sorority sisters
to slaughter more Karaoke songs.
I can't, I can't.
Cats?
Les Mis.
I mean I don't hate it.
I like Anne Hathaway
in the movie.
It's pretty great.
But Jean Valjean
is not
and will never be.
Cool Rider.
In Greese 2, Michael
comes to America with a dream.
He makes his money
writing essays for the
less fortunate folks
at his school.
And he saves his money
and he builds a motorcycle
from scratch.
A cool rider was needed.
He built it from scratch.
He repurposed these parts
and he built them into
something stronger,
faster,
and just beautiful.
I don't know what
else you would want.
It's the American dream
in musical form.
Michelle Phieffer
needed hell on wheels
and by god,
Michael bird hot.
It also has the
best bowling scene
in cinematic history.
It's way better than that trite
gooey Beatles karaoke movie
across the universe.
Seriously, Harris.
That's the best you
can come up with?
Please I,
please, I prefer Harold.
I prefer Harris.
Okay.
A couple reasons why
Greese 2 is shit.
First of all,
Michelle Phieffer sounds like
she's got a dead cat
stuck in her throat.
Her singing is atrocious.
And yet she persevered.
That was easily
the worst movie
she's ever been in.
Secondly, there's a
production going on right now
called 13.
These kids are in junior high
and they're putting
on something better
than these 30 year olds could.
Last,
these four musicals
were on a stage,
been on Broadway.
Greese 2 has only
been in theaters
and has never won an award.
Well,
better is the local theater.
They chose to do Greese
instead of the wrong one.
If they would have
got their heads
out of their asses,
they would have
picked the right one,
they would have
found a cool rider
and Harold would have obliged.
So what are you
drinking there?
Young lady, I am not drinking
anything.
I am experiencing this
single malt scotch.
You know,
every time you drink scotch,
it makes me really frisky.
Well I do suppose that the
experience is different
for everyone.
Well what are you doing later?
Young lady,
must I inform you
that I'm wearing my purity ring.
Why are you wearing
a purity ring?
Because
purity rings are so cool.
Cousin Harold.
Are you doubting the
coolness of my purity ring?
Well if your ear wolf hat
is an indication,
yes, I am.
I've decided that purity rings
are no longer.
Well then they are no
longer hip for the Oliver.
Young lady may entice away.
Do you want to experience
my place or yours later?
Oh, Oliver does not
want to wait that long.
How about
out back behind the dumpster?
Dumpster fucking?
Yeah.
Oliver,
please.
Oh cousin Harold,
I suppose you're right.
How about we go back to my place
and we experience a bottle
of single malt scotch
and I will show you my huge
vinyl collection.
Okay.
My work here is done.
Thank you, cousin Harold.
Thank you.
Did she say dumpster fucking?
I believe they said
dumpster fucking.
Have you ever dumpster fucked?
I've never had
a dumpster fuck,
but I've had a handjob behind
the Tasty Freeze one time.
That sounds like you.
You how I feel about
those tractor shots.
It's just kind of like,
actually that guy up there
on the TV.
He seems like a guy who
probably put himself
in his own movies.
Yeah, multiple movies
on the same subject.
Always in the same bars,
in the same locations,
and it's always the
same gay dick jokes.
Constantly.
Because the only thing
this guy finds funny
is dick jokes after a life
of touring and bar hopping.
Drinking nothing but scotch.
Pretty sure it just
runs through his veins
and he just like
pisses straight scotch.
Burns all the time.
You can never tell when
he's got the clap.
I mean I'm sure he's got
some good drugs for that.
But three movies.
Fuck.
Kevin Smith won't even
make a third Clerks.
Definitely not.
Strip clubs,
pornography shops,
come on Boss.
There's got to be
something else out there.
What would you suggest I do?
Christian bookstores.
Boss.
This is the Boss.
He owns a strip club
and an adult bookstore in town.
This guy's former boss.
The Adult Shop Mop.
Okay, the idea of
being in business is
to stay in business.
You realize that, right.
Hey, you're a good kid.
Everybody likes you, Elias.
You know they call
you AA Elias now
cause of that weekend.
But that's okay.
AA's probably good.
Alcoholics anonymous
works for some people
and seems to
work pretty well for you.
And that's good.
Let me pose something to you.
Imagine there's a
good Christian man.
He goes to church
every Wednesday and Sunday.
Goes to bible study,
a great man,
very faithful.
He's driving down
the road one day
on his way to a bible study,
soup kitchen,
what have you.
He gets a tightness
in his chest.
It's pains in his arms.
Realizes he's having
a heart attack,
pulls off to the
very first place
he could find
to seek out help.
He dies on the floor
of that business.
Say it's
my adult bookstore
or one of my strip clubs.
The news will read
77 year old man dies
of a heart attack
at 10:00 AM in the morning
at an adult bookstore
or strip club.
You're automatically gonna
think this man is bad.
Let's go the other side.
Imagine there is an awful guy.
A guys that goes to my
strip clubs all the time.
He's at my adult bookstores,
complete porn hound.
A complete reprobate.
A drunk.
A whore monger.
He's driving down
the road one day.
It's a tightness in his chest.
Pains in his arms.
Knows he's gonna
have a heart attack.
Pulls off to the very
first place he can find
to seek out help,
and it's a church.
The news will read
77 year old man
dies of a heart
attack at 10:00 AM
on a Wednesday morning
at a church.
You're automatically
gonna think he's good.
Well,
at least I tried.
Always remember this,
amazing grace was
written by an atheist
who was saved.
So never stop trying.
You're good man.
Thanks Boss.
See you later.
Bye.
Praise be.
Last time I saw
an ass like that,
it was carrying our
lord and savior.
Are you seriously
objectifying her right now?
No, I'm not objectifying her.
I'm just looking at her ass.
What's up with you broads
making up words and shit.
I'm trying to
get my dick wet.
Talk to you later.
Anyway,
I feel like you can be Columbine
and I decide to shoot a bunch
of kids inside of you.
Hmm?
You know mid 90s,
you're a pog.
I just start slamming that shit.
Maybe you pull a Fonz
and just bang against
the jukebox til.
Incubus plays,
whatever that shit
is you're into.
Kati Perry?
Taylor Swift?
I don't know
how old we are yet.
Can you get a drink?
Do you need a drink?
Hey Boss.
Matthew.
How's it going?
Kevin, get
this bro a drink on me.
So scotch?
Definitely.
Definitely scotch.
I got this Highland
Park viking scotch.
Kevin suggested it.
Viking's honor.
Good for us Norwegians.
Yeah, but you know
what's not good for us.
What the fuck is this
AA pamphlet doing here?
AA Elias in here?
Yeah, he was just in here.
I thought I saw that
snail trail leading in.
Oh you heard about
that weekend, huh?
Yeah.
The bender to remember.
Alcoholics anonymous
suits people like him.
That was a hell of
a weekend for him.
I mean Jesus,
parents got to him
late Sunday night.
His liver's inflamed.
He's got the worst case of
chlamydia or gonorrhea.
That kid could not handle
a weekend of liqueur.
That was really,
I heard it was an epic weekend.
I heard it was a lot of fun.
I saw him at the
beginning of that weekend.
He showed up with a
bottle of scotch
ready to roll.
Oh yeah, he was a ball.
But yeah, I think
alcoholics anonymous
is the correct position for him.
I think that's the
great place for him.
Hey,
coasters?
I didn't see any.
Kevin, you got coasters?
We're all out.
AA works.
AA works.
Alright.
Do you need someone to
cosign a loan for you?
I don't know where
you're at in your life.
Would you like to see
how much of my penis
could fit in your mouth?
I think you could almost
get the whole thing.
You seem like you have
like a really
just can do attitude,
you know what I mean.
You're a fighter.
You're a survivor.
Are you a letter?
I've been told
that I'm a D before.
So.
As in a douchebag?
Like dick.
I don't know if it's a big
one, but it's a pretty cock.
It's nice to look at.
Anyway.
Since you're a letter,
I'm gonna need you
to C your way out.
Oh, that's funny.
I'm gonna need to see
you M on those tits.
I was actually
one of your businesses today.
Well thank you for
your patronage.
Yeah.
That's classic.
Alright, which
place were you at?
Mini cinema.
Did you wash your hands
before you shook my hand there?
Shit.
That's okay, that's okay.
So it was weird.
I went in there
and I didn't see
Porn peddler Pete.
Oh, he doesn't
work for me anymore.
What happened?
Well he pirated pornography.
I can't stand for that.
I mean when you
sell pornography,
you have to pay the taxes,
the rights,
all these different
fees towards it.
He didn't do that.
That's not right.
People spend a lot
of time and money
making pornography.
They should be paid
a living wage for such things.
Yeah, so he was
pirating pornography
all over town.
And I found out about it
and I had to let I'm go.
Broke his heart.
He loved that job.
He did love that job.
Man, this whole time,
everybody thought you
were morally bankrupt.
I guess we were just
in a recession.
Irony isn't it.
Now you say it,
now I do remember
something about it.
I heard his house got raided.
Like the police came in,
swat team came in
and they found some
stuff in the basement.
I didn't hear about this.
What?
He had an archive
of secret things.
I mean it was almost
like Donnie Darko
and you realize Patrick Swayze
had like the
kiddie porn dungeon in there.
It wasn't like that.
It was a whole nother thing.
Raider porn.
What's raider?
I've never heard
of a Raider porn.
What's Raider porn?
It's when white supremacists
have furry parties
and they bang each other
and film it.
But wait a minute.
How many animals in
the animal kingdom
are actually white?
Like a snow leopard.
You got doves.
Like an albino squirrel maybe.
God man, a polar bear.
Polar bear.
Yeah, polar bear.
You know when it's
white supremacists
is all in the
missionary position.
So it's gonna be boring as hell.
But wait a minute,
if a brown bear comes in
it just kind of throws
the whole thing off.
Yeah.
They ain't letting this guy in.
Come on.
Imagine he walks in,
do you mind if I dance
with your dates?
Oh come on,
they're gonna worry about it.
They're gonna produce
some sort of skunk baby
in their minds.
Come on man.
That ain't gonna happen.
Imagine a neoNazi
mid stroke in the
middle of raider porn
and a black bear walks in.
Allah, adult shop mop
and I'm soft.
I mean hand job
even just,
I watch you, you watch me.
I would
eat ass,
but that would be like
eating at Benny Hannas
from the looks of things.
Seriously?
Yeah.
For serious, oh big time.
This is the best you can
do to pick up a girl?
I mean,
the next one is either
pull out a wallet
or get you in one of my dad's
Nissan's or something.
I don't know
what you're currently,
your like current APR is
or what your
as far as lease
goes or anything,
but I can get you a car.
I can get you money.
Some fake titties, or something.
Whatever you want,
I would do it for you.
Dude, I am too good for you.
There's only one
way to find out.
And a lot of times,
like the big trend right now
I've seen online is for women
to like carry men.
I can be that piece
of shit boyfriend
that all your
friends joke about.
And you know, really though,
when you come home,
I'm...
Dude, I've been
there, done that, so.
You haven't done
this yet tough.
Raider porn.
There's actually raider porn.
That's not a joke?
No dude.
I'm dead serious.
Why the hell did he have
raider porn in his basement?
I don't know man.
He had like some weird, sick
little obsession in there.
And he kept going with it.
And the cops
came for it.
Oh god.
They did dude.
Oh my god.
I bet his nice little
Methodist mother
lost it when she saw
the cops showing up
to get his raider
porn collection.
He was always in to like
weird figure skating,
but maybe because it's like
usually white petite girls.
Well he was an interesting,
he was an interesting duck.
Always kind of floating
through the air,
maybe like a bird.
A strange kid, a strange kid.
But,
I can forgive all that.
But you don't pirate pornography
because people are
not being paid
the proper taxes,
fees and residuals
that they are entitled to.
But raider porn,
that's a bridge too far.
Oh my god.
Look at this sack of shit.
Look at him.
Oh Christ.
That is worse than
having raider porn is being
a stand up comedian.
I heard that porno
Pete was actually
saying that he was
watching that stuff
to build up a stand
up comedy act.
So his
excuse was I have a raider
porn collection to...
Work on a bit.
To work on a bit.
I think I'd rather
be a porn hound
than be a stand up comedian.
That is like the
lowest of the low.
God, can you imagine what
it would have been like
if we had to go around like
the community...
You had to go door to door
and tell everybody
he was a standup.
I'm sorry.
I'm Pete, I live down at...
I live within your community.
Oh my god.
What was his Methodist
more upset about?
The fact that he was
peddling porn and
pirating it all over town
or that he's gonna be
a stand up comedian?
Dude, I don't know.
It's got.
Oh my god.
Speaking, yeah, Jesus,
speaking of the devil,
look at that sack of shit.
Oh my god.
How embarrassing would that be.
See,
I bet his parents are so proud.
Oh my god.
Oh yeah, definitely.
That guys is just driving like
a red mustang
with a canvas top convertible.
Not even a V8, a V6.
Automatic.
It was a V8.
I hope I'm never
that low that I have to
do something like that
to garner attention.
Oh dude.
I'd rather be sucking dick
from behind in the alley
making decent wage off of that
than to ever have to
speak any kind of
words into a microphone.
Matt, please, let's
make a promise
that we never, ever have
to do standup comedy.
Yeah.
Real quick, bathroom,
three minutes.
I don't want to.
Behind this jukebox?
We fucking pull this thing out.
I really don't want to.
That's okay.
I'll watch you do some stuff.
Indeed rather have the
Bros two times over
than I'd have you.
That'd probably
feel about the same.
You got a little
nubby nubby in each hand.
A little corn holder.
If that's what you want,
I'll arrange it.
I know them.
They don't like you though.
No one really
does, but I mean.
Then why are you here?
If no one likes you,
then why are you here?
Why don't you go fuck off?
Back to Douche land?
I will do that.
If you change your mind,
I'll be over here.
I won't.
That's okay.
You might.
So fuck off.
I've got that thing
in the back of your mind.
You'll be thinking about it.
Nope.
Think about it.
Fuck off.
God.
I can't get any pussy
in this place.
I might as well go fucking
kings and queens.
Jesus Christ dude,
you're objectifying that sliz.
What does that even mean?
Objectifying?
You sound like one
of those broads man.
You know,
loose morals,
a little bit of loose action.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, then objectifying I was.
It's my objective all
night to do that.
Trying to find some clam, man.
A little slam clam.
Clam digger.
Anything I can do
to muff some duff.
I didn't realize your
a shoreman yourself.
Nectar Wookie,
a lifeless idiot
whose whole existence
consists of following around
bands like Base Nectar.
When they're not out
selling bunk drugs,
veggie burritos and
grilled cheese,
they're often swiping drinks
and trying to borrow
literally everything
at music festivals.
A Nectar Wookie is the
natural enemy of a hipster,
kind of like in Twilight
with the vampires
and werewolves.
Hey, Kristen Steward is a jew.
Why else would she get
with a 100 year old guy
with a nice german car?
I don't mean to cause alarm,
but doth my nostrils deceive me,
we have a nectar wookie
in our midst.
Oh, I'm sorry yeah.
That's me.
I haven't,
I haven't showered
in a few weeks, so.
Also, Bonoroo has a
bathroom in a few weeks.
No, that's,
that's actually next week,
I'm pretty sure.
Yeah.
I don't have marijuana.
That drink was not yours.
Bonoroo is that way.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, Phish is about
to take the stage man.
You should go.
Guess what,
guess what,
Base Nectar
not on the jukebox.
How about you dubstep
walk away from the situation
you fucking wookie.
Jesus, okay.
I'm sorry.
Stay the fuck out
of gong fu, okay.
By the way,
you guys have any mushrooms?
Get the fuck out of here.
We don't have anything.
Fucking Mark Walberg
in Rock Star.
That's not a bad
movie, honestly.
Hey, did you see what
happened to my drink?
Sorry man.
The fucking woff took it.
Sorry man.
Thanks for looking out, man.
Bartender, get these
bros a drink on me.
So bros, it's last call.
What are you thinking?
Scotch.
Scotch?
Scotch.
Better not be Doers.
Alright, bros,
this is Singleton,
the Glenlive 12 year,
single malt.
You know about that, Harold.
Hey, it's not Doers
guys, we're good.
We'll pour it neat.
You know what that means?
No.
Harold.
Yes?
You're pouring
it really quick.
That's neat man.
Neato.
What I'm gonna do now
is I'm gonna put a
couple drops of water
in each one.
It changes the
molecular density.
It opens it up.
Like a bouquet.
Exactly.
Like a lady's legs.
With the best water
in the valley.
Actually in the world.
Yep.
Best hangover cure
right there.
Water.
I wish we had some
Roy Orbesen records.
Is that how you
discard your scotch?
Yeah, is there another way?
My god, you're still doing
fucking Big League Chew?
Fucking A right man,
cause I'm a pro.
We should have
given him Doers.
What is the next
plan of attack?
Cause this is a lot of
fun and all, but...
I have a Lyft.
Who?
Somebody named Ling.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Trust me.
I got pepper sprayed
by that broad.
No.
I'm from Brooklyn,
you motherfucker.
Wait, wait,
there's a Brooklyn in China?
I sprayed her with my pepper.
Oh, I think I heard of that.
Did she join AA
Elias after that?
Oh hell yeah, she did.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Yeah I'd sober up if I
had to bang this guy.
I'm just saying,
if I had my dick inside you you,
your gonna make some good
positive changes in life.
My god.
Look, I'm gonna get on.
Uber right now.
I know I'm not gonna get
in the fucking Uber Jew.
Oh, the Uber Jew.
Yah.
Uber Jew?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It seems a little
antisemitic and maybe
a bit tasteless.
Oh my god.
It's not like I fucking called
in the sheeny shuttler.
Fucking kike cart dude.
Oh my god dude.
I'm on the old hieve highway.
Hey,
I wouldn't say I'm gay.
But I've definitely done
some gay shit, dude.
Yeah you have.
Yeah.
We're fully aware.
You haven't?
No?
No.
Harold was never
partook in homosexual.
You're gonna tell
me with that jacket,
and that beard you guys have
never done anything gay?
Maybe watched the WNBA.
I would tell you,
if you got more in touch
with your male side,
you might have,
I don't know,
more luck getting women.
I actually prefer the WNBA.
It's more a team sport.
The only reason you
like watching the WNBA
is because a lot of those ladies
have Adam's apples.
I really appreciate
their talent.
God, would you be in to it
if they did?
No, dude.
I'm like a fucking
ancient Roman warrior.
That is the only reason why
me and my other male friends
have bonded in the
way that we have.
I wouldn't say it's
anything sexual about it.
It's more about
becoming brothers,
becoming closer than
you ever could.
Someone's life in your hands,
you want to really
trust somebody,
jerk that dick off.
You know what I mean.
You really learn a
lot about somebody.
Achilles and
Hector, you are not.
No, hell no.
I'm not gonna die because the
back of my fucking ankle
gets tweaked.
You know what I mean.
No, I'm
like Brad Pitt,
but more like Brad
Pitt in Snatch.
You know what the fuck I mean.
You like dikes?
Yeah.
Do I like dikes?
Or docks?
Guys.
You like guys?
Eh, I wouldn't
say I like them,
but if you've never had
a dude jerk you off,
you haven't lived.
The textile strength
that a man has
is so much better
than a woman's.
Those calluses.
It's like getting
a fucking handjob
from a ranch hand, you
know what I mean.
Just a good firm old
Midwestern hand shake.
You know what I'm talking about.
In fact,
let me show you.
From what I've learned by,
I don't know,
being amongst my fellow men,
I'm gonna teach that
lady over there
a thing or two
she's never seen.
I'm gonna get her to
suck my whole penis.
Her?
Yeah.
Her?
Yeah.
Tiddle biddies over there.
Her?
Yes, let me,
let me show you guys, okay.
I'm, this is gonna be.
Trojan warrior
and that's my young squire.
This is the
moment where Harold
is continually baffled
at how we are friends.
Let me give you a
piece of advice.
I wouldn't recommend this.
I would not recommend this.
Why?
She's too easy.
It's too easy of a kill?
It's like hunting
a wounded deer?
That's fine.
That's all I fucking hunt,
you know what I mean.
I think Tyler
needs a challenge.
I'll accept roadkill.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
How about just enough funds
to go malt scotch
to appreciate this moment.
You guys keep my seat warm.
I'll be getting my dick wet.
When I get back,
you guys can help dab it off
and tell me how great we did.
He's always so rude.
I'm not a prude,
but I can see him
appreciating the crude.
What's up girl?
Get you a drink?
Yeah.
Like Red Bulls over here, baby.
Sure, I love to smash
Red Bull vodkas with you
all night
and then you can
fuck me doggie style
while we watch the new season
of Blue Mountain State.
Do you like Nickleback
as much as I do?
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh my god, yeah.
I fucking love Tool.
Yeah.
Pull my hair.
You're towing my toolbox baby.
Oh god.
Get this little tool
out right here.
Why do you call it little?
Damn, can I get a couple
vodka red bulls on her please?
Wow, seriously?
Uh uh.
Who the fuck do
you think you are?
Do you think I'm just
some little tool shed
you can do whatever the
fuck you want with?
God, you are such a
typical Cedar Falls WASP
who probably only got
through high school
on the fact that daddy
owned a car dealership.
How many freshmen cheerleaders
have you had your dirty
little fingers in
after a lacrosse game?
Huh?
Go home.
Yeah, I can smell
them from here.
Go home,
wash off the Axe body spray
and wait for the next
time that your mom
signs you up
for a bachelor date night
at your town's failing
country club.
Wow.
You blew it.
Guess who played piccolo
their freshman year.
Peace.
Whatever.
Small penis.
It's bigger than yours.
I can't even see it
through your jeans.
Get out of here.
That's cause they're dark.
Oh, what gives Charlie Brown?
Fuck you man.
I struck out.
Her?
With her?
Her?
Yeah, I struck out with her.
What's happened to me?
Fuck this.
Like pirates
I think it was Kirk tonight.
Guys.
I'm calling in the
nuclear option.
No.
Not the man who's had more girls
than anyone in Cedar Valley.
Yes.
The sultan of sliz himself.
I do admire that
man's sexual prowess.
And send.
She's doomed.
Oh boy.
Sir, you have a message.
Tyler,
Matt,
Harold.
Mr. Lance.
Now might be a real good time
for you to get horny.
It's my secret, Matt.
I'm always horny.
Mr. Lance.
So cool.
He called me Harold.
Oh my god.
Are you Jeff Lance?
You're goddamn right.
Bros, Jeff Lance.
So what are you guys
doing after this?
Going to Cornstalk
at Spicoli's.
Oh really.
I heard Carolina
Spine is playing.
Caroline.
Spine.
Caroline.
Spine.
Get it right.
I'm sorry.
You know that song
about Waterloo, right.
Yes, called Mrs. Sullivan.
Okay, so like about this
Sullivan brothers and
all that jazz.
Okay, okay.
So oh my god, right,
we gotta go.
Yep, gotta go.
Let's do this.
Carolina Spine.
Alright guys seriously,
get on the fucking horns.
We need a driver.
We gotta get down man.
Caroline's Spine.
Okay, got it.
Look at this, the initiative,
I love it.
Tyler the tool.
Does that say fucking Grinder?
Yeah dude,
trying to get my
butt hole licked.
Can't meet a woman
with a tongue strength
that I require.
Tyler,
cool it with the
butt stuff, bros.
I've done it.
You got a ride?
I'm a miracle worker.
It can't be Lyft.
Doth my eyes deceive me.
There's this asian lady,
I climbed her great wall
like I was Mongolian.
Genghis Khan up in that bitch.
This,
this is as poetic
as Silvia Plath.
It is.
Silvia Plath?
It most certainly is.
The chick that
wrote Frankenstein?
Harold's eyes doth
not deceive him.
Oh my god.
They should have sent a poet.
They did.
Like Robert Frost?
It's gold doth stay.
The Uber Jew,
the Jewish Uber driver
who is very Jewish,
hence he is.
Uber Jew,
the greatest uber driver ever.
Fucking love that hebe.
Hey, he
who finds faithful friend
finds a treasure.
That's a Jewish proverb.
Hey,
Bros got room for one more?
Tanner!
Hey.
Turtles Reunion tour?
You got to sit in the back.
You got to sit bitch.
Okay.
Oh my god.
There hasn't been
anyone
as happy to see a Jew
since I don't know,
the disciples on first Easter.
Starting with that
right away, huh.
Wait, so why are
you back here again?
Well, I moved back.
The cost of living in
Chicago was a little
too high for me.
Were you really
in Chicago though?
Were you in Logan Square?
I don't believe we've met.
Or more like Evanston?
Well Schaumburg actually.
I'm Harold.
No, we have not
had the pleasure.
Yeah, I was gonna say
I would remember that beard.
Is it reminiscent
of mahogany and ash?
No.
Dude, that fucking
hat is sick.
I gotta get me one of those
with gold on it.
And instead of the star,
maybe use something like a knife
or like a or something.
I think that would
be a little much.
You know I have to say,
I'm a little surprised.
Oh.
To see
a hipster,
a tool,
and bros all in the same car.
I'm a little proud of you guys.
I am.
Is it breaking your heart
that we're ride
sharing right now?
Kind of makes you wonder why
Israel and Palestine
can't get along.
You know, there's
actually more to that.
I know.
And just like that crystal
knocked the whole
coverup bullshit
you guys came up with.
I know a fucking scam
when you're trying to get that
window pane insurance money.
My dad sold them.
I know that he...
Hey Tyler,
Crystal knock knock.
Who's there?
An inside job.
And six million less Jews.
You guys have not
changed one bit.
Why did you come back.
You were with your
bubby you said.
And you were gonna
work for your uncle.
Well,
it ended up not working out.
Is it bubby or booby?
I'm not as good with the money
as I thought I was.
That's the first you
I will ever admit that joke.
So you weren't quite
making six figures?
We won't talk about it.
They can't even
make six inches.
What are you doing?
Just rubbing nickles together
to making our money or what?
Oh, I've missed you guys.
I really have.
I just can't believe
we found you on the app.
It was a Christmas miracle.
Oh sorry, a Hanukkah miracle.
Yes.
Does Hanukkah have miracles?
You can say Christmas.
I'm not offended.
I don't want to offend.
I just want to be
historically accurate.
We're not offended
that you killed Christ.
You know I really
love riding with you.
You give us road scotch.
Road scotch.
Jesus Christ,
Glen Levit.
At least it's single malt.
Yeah.
What, were they out
of Cutty Sark or what?
Hey, you never
know when someone's
gonna stiff you.
I can't reach for the top shelf.
You're like fucking Pauly
drinking.
Even the middle shelf.
Like that time
Piccolo's had Doers.
Jesus.
I thought they
didn't have Doers.
I thought they had
like Lauders.
Harold had water that evening.
Yeah.
What's your middle name?
What's your date of birth?
Oh my goodness,
I do not have time
for this, okay.
I work two jobs,
got a kid.
I'm getting crow's feet.
Okay, I just want to
go to the concert.
Hmm, well head on in.
Sounds good to me.
She looks pretty good for 46.
105.7 KOKZ,
Iowa's classic hits.
My name is Craig Lowey.
You know where you
need to be tonight.
You need to be at
Spicoli's in Waterloo
because a fantastic
band is coming to town.
Jimmy Newquist and
Caroline's Spine
are gonna be in town.
I know these guys
for a long time.
They have the hit song,
Sullivan, among others.
We definitely want
you to get out
and support
not only Spicoli's,
but Jimmy Newquist and
Caroline's Spine.
If you've never seen them live,
you are certainly missing out.
And we want you to experience.
Caroline's Spine tonight,
Spicoli's in Waterloo.
Check it out.
Erin McCool.
My life changed.
How are you?
Cool dude.
I prefer a handshake.
Hey guys, this
is James Patrick
at Rock 108.
Make sure you get to
Spicoli's tonight
cause for one night only,
Jimmy Newquist,
Caroline's Spine
rocking the hell
out of Spicoli's.
So make sure you're
there tonight.
Harry, how's it going?
It's be better if
you'd call me Harold.
I keep forgetting.
I prefer it.
Well Harold, I got
something special for you.
Here's something that
you'll actually prefer
more than our water selection.
Or your Doers?
Or our Doers.
Alright, would Harold
approve of this?
Harold would approve.
I'll pour you one up.
It's better than Doers.
There you are, Harold.
You could have done
without the ice, but.
Hey, welcome back to the show
on press roll with
the sports guy.
I'm Gary Rime
along with my in studio producer
and cohost to the program,
Chris Gobinacker.
We affectionately call him
the sports stud.
Hey sports stud,
I got a memo here.
Caroline's Spine
is playing in
Waterloo at Spicoli's
on University Avenue tonight.
Hey wasn't there
a Caroline Spine
that was a great
American figure skater?
You're close, Sports Guy.
Caroline Zont,
and she is a great
American figure skater
that is a three time
champion figure skater.
Awesome.
Hey Sports Stud,
you know there's a
two time champion right
here from Waterloo,
the Cedar Valley court kings,
our minor league
basketball team.
You're right Sports Guy,
back to back Midwest league
basketball champions.
Not to mention
out own champions
on the ice,
on their skates,
the Waterloo
Blackhawks Hockey Anderson Cup Champions.
It's impressive stuff.
Oh, baby.
I love these teams.
What's going on boys?
What's up?
Drink it you pig.
Yeah.
It's a good night.
Wow man, nice penises boys.
You especially.
Shit man.
Dude,
no homo man.
What do you mean?
No, there's nothing
gay about that.
It's just me applauding
another man's gift.
God clearly has blessed
this young man.
You're buying drinks, right?
I'll put them on your tab.
Easy boys.
See you.
This is a song that
introduced me to you guys.
It's not hard to reach
back into a day
Underneath that Iowa sun
Running to the
tower of Waterloo
Looking for the
Sullivan's train to come
And his five boys
would run to the top
And salute him as he went by
First we'd wave hello
Then we'd wave goodbye
Goodbye
It's not hard to reach
back to the days
After the attack on Pearl
Overnight my buddies
turned into men
Running out of time
for games and girls
And the Sullivan boys
were not overlooked
Uncle Sam calling
each by name
The very next day they
left on a mystery train
Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan
And don't you cry,
cry, cry, cry, cry
We regret to inform you
The Navy has taking
your sons away
All five, five, five, five
So put your blue
stars in the window
Your window
It's not hard to reach
back to her smile
When she'd receive a letter
And the letters they
sounded generally the same
Said if they
couldn't be home
At least they were together
On a mighty
fighting battleship
Somewhere in the
South Pacific
The letters never got
much more specific
Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan
And don't you cry,
cry, cry, cry, cry
We regret to inform you
The Navy is keeping
your sons away
All five, five, five, five
So keep your blue
stars in the window
John, can you bring the
lights down a little bit?
Jut bring them on down a bit?
It's not hard to reach
back to the day
When the war
finally came home
Uncle Sam, he'll
send you a telegram
So he doesn't have to
tell you over the phone
I heard she cracked up
When they found out
what the war could cost
When all five of her boys
Were lost
They were
Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan
Go ahead and cry
We regret to inform you
That all your sons
have passed away
All five, five, five, five
So change your
blue star to gold
Blue star to gold
Come on mommy
Change them to gold
This is how it usually goes
in about every town.
People grow up.
They get married.
They have kids.
They move on.
The good times are
cherished and remembered.
When you see the wold guy
at the bar by himself,
drinking,
he was a bro one day too.
There are five Sullivan Bros
from this town
that would have loved
to have been back here.
I try to remind myself of
that as much as possible.
Hey, it's Corey
Ford with KFUK radio.
Okay, fuck Cedar Falls.
It's gonna be a
great day in Iowa.
It's gonna be a great day
in the Cedar Valley.
Our future
is bright.
And for the very last time,
this one goes out to the bros.
They hate you for the reason
Found out all your faults
They hid behind
Picture perfect lies
They found you in the corner
Dusting for fingerprints
From pages painted pretty
Pictures of your sins
Give me igigignorance
Give what you can give
IglgIgnorance
Hit them with
What they give
Alright now
Put it ononon the table
Watch for shifting eyes
Serving cold revenge
With a side of spite
But satisfaction
don't come easy
But to take it all with ease
Well I guess them guests
All just better leave
Give me igigignorance
Give what you can give
IglgIgnorance
Hit them with
What they give
Alright now
Ignorance
Give what you can give
Ignorance
Hit them with
What they give
Ignorance
Give what you can give
Ignorance
Hit them with
What they give
Give them ignorance
Give what you can give
Ignorance
Hit them with
What they give
Give them ignorance
Give what you can give
Ignorance
Hit them with
What they give