Bubba the Redneck Werewolf (2014) Movie Script
1
Can you sense it?
Darkness is descending.
Grave darkness.
Darkness and doom,
a great, great evil is on
its way to our little town.
And it is focused on one man.
Who is he, Mama?
This is hard to say,
for he is enshrouded
in many shadows.
But he is a man of destiny.
Hey, you cutie
wittle, wittle puppies.
Who wants some vittles, huh?
I've seen better.
Now gather round
and lend an ear
Pull up a chair,
slam down a beer
I've got you all
a story for the ages
Some folks say that
it just ain't true
But doubters is as doubters do
But me, I trust what's
in the funny pages
Imagine now if you will
A man of meager means
Who stumbled
'cross lycanthropy
But he don't know
what that means
Bubba, his name's Bubba
He was no different
than most folk
But know he's Bubba, yes Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
He loves his truck,
he loves his guns
He loves his Bobbie
Jo's tight buns
And howlin' at the
moon is really swell
He may not have
the sharpest wit
Frankly put he's
dumb as
But dammit if at
least he don't mean well
He's teeth are long,
his claws are sharp
He's a beast in moon and sun
If this defies
your precious science
Well you might
want to cut and run
Bubba, cursed Bubba
Your humanity's been revoked
Oh, Bubba, fuzzy Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Some say he's lazy as a dog
Ole Harper says he ate the hog
And all we all agree
he could shed less
But when the keg is truly out
When fears and
trouble start to mount
One man was always there
to save our ass, yahoo
Bubba, brave Bubba
You're a hero for us yokels
Oh Bubba, I love ya Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Y'all ready for your
midnight snack, ain't ya?
Aw, come on, wait for
your turn, Sixpack,
Moonshine, Dale Earnhardt.
I ain't forgot about you.
Don't I always do right by you?
I sure as hell do.
I give Skippy extra walks,
and Rubby I give
extra tummy pats,
and Kinky,
I stay the hell
outta Kinky's way.
Everybody needs somebody
to take care of 'em,
and y'all got me.
Yeah, you do, aww,
you best be glad of that, too.
This crazy world's
fulla all kinds of shit.
Aww, shit.
Ugh.
Got shit in your hair again?
No!
Know you're talkin' about.
Well, there's a reason I
give you the night shift,
Shithead.
You ain't fit for
polite society.
I am too.
I'm goin' down to the
Rusty Bombshell right now
to see my girl.
Bobbie Jo
ain't any more your girl
than the Rusty Bombshell's
polite society.
You might as well
just lock yourself in
with the rest of them mutt
bastards and call it a night.
I really wish y'all'd
let me wear my hat in here.
You know I feel
naked without it.
Why?
So you can get
shit in that, too?
Shithead.
No!
Shut Up!
You're listening
to KRUD, the krud.
I'm back, baby.
I know you understand me.
Let's get drunk!
And I'm a southern man
And I'm straight outta hell
You ain't never
gonna hold me down
When push comes to shove
I'll be standin' up above
I'll always drag my
heels in the ground
I like to drink and smoke
and that ain't no joke
I sure do like to have my fun
When my best friend calls
You know I will give my all
I'm gonna die before I'm old
Maybe tonight'll be the
night we win Bobbie Jo back.
Straight outta hell
You ain't never
seen a fella like me
Well I done my share of wrong
And I spent some time in jail
I need some good
judge to set me free
Oh, hey, Jimbo.
How you doin', man?
Bethany Ann,
Lookin' good.
Wake up, Monty.
Cletus, you sumbitch you.
You smell like shit, Bubba.
What?
No, man, it's my new
colognes, High Karate, hai!
You smell like shit, Bubba.
- Whattaya have?
- What?
The cheapest.
Okay, Cornstock Light it is.
Y'all ain't seen Bobbie Jo
around here lately, have you?
Uh, well, yeah, she's...
Howdy y'all doin'
there, Cousin Bubba!
Shit.
How long's it been,
like a couple years?
I can remember when
you was yay tall.
Man, I see you every
damn day, Clovis.
I'm older than you are!
Really?
Then who am I thinkin' of?
I don't know.
Anyways, you seen
Bobbie Jo lately?
I'm kinda backed up, know
what I mean?
And she seemed
kinda distant too,
you know what I mean?
I never know what you mean.
But you don't need
her, Cousin Bubba.
- You got me.
- What?
That's just gross, man.
You're my third
cousin, once removed.
Maybe if you was my second
cousin, I'd think about it.
No, no, no, that's not what
I'm talkin' about, Bubba.
Well why not?
Hmm?
Where is she?
She's at her AAA meetin'.
You mean AA meetin'?
They got those
here on Thursdays.
No, I mean triple A meetin'.
She's makin' out
with Dangerous Dwight
in his fancy car.
The Automobile
Association of America
is not to be trifled with.
But I don't think gang bang
is part of the road services
described in the manual,
since I no longer
get the newsletters.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
What are you gonna do now?
Motherfucker, I fuckin' hate
cell phones and beepers!
Aw, son of a bitch!
Well that oughta teach
you to steal my girl,
Dangerous Dwight.
Oh.
Bubba Beauregard Blanch.
What you got against Billy
Bob's front headlight?
You got a bone to
pick with me, Bubba?
Well, no sir.
I just thought you
and Bobbie Jo was
messin' around in there.
Hell no.
I was messin' around
with Bobbie Jo in there.
Bobbie Jo, how could you?
Why wouldn't I?
Dwight and I have been datin'
for like two months now.
Or haven't you noticed.
Well back in high
school, you and me we...
Yeah, in high school.
A lot more than just a decade's
changed since then, Bubba.
Grown ass gal needs
a grown ass man,
a man's man, one that
can fix motorcycles
and has a double-wide
trailer, right?
He does have a pretty
sweet-ass trailer, Bubba.
It's got a toaster that
fits four slices of bread,
and a clicker for his TV that
he ain't never lost once.
The clicker?
Babe, if you just give
me a little bit of time
I could find...
But you don't, Bubba.
You never have.
You don't stand up for yourself.
You don't take responsibility.
I've got a job just
like you said I oughta do.
Yeah, back in high school,
and 10 years later you
still smell like puppy shit.
You look like it too, Bubba.
Why, you ain't even
got decent arm holes.
What's wrong
with my arm holes?
What isn't?
They look like they was
cut with pinkin' shears.
My arm holes?
Now these was done with
proper fuckin' scissors.
That's right, Bubba.
I own proper fuckin' scissors.
Only way to maintain sleeveless
flannel shirt upkeep.
Well babe,
you gonna let him talk about
my arm holes like that?
Are you?
Bubba, you ain't man
enough for Bobbie Jo.
No, no sir,
I never said I was.
Well I got more hair on my ass
than you got on that poor
excuse for a baldin' head.
It's true.
I don't feel safe goin'
around with you, Bubba,
not with all them hillbilly
rapists they got around here,
and them folks that
steal your shoes.
I would, I'd give
my life for you.
I'd maybe even give my truck.
Hell, Bob, I'd sell
my sorry ass soul if
I knew it'd do you any good.
If you think you're
man enough, Bubba,
fight me for her,
count of three.
Oh, no,
sir, I never said...
- What, no!
- One,
Ain't you even
gonna try, Bubba?
Two,
Look, let's flip for her.
Three!
Oh, look what you did.
The darkness is here.
I can feel it in my gut.
I feel it in my bones.
It's probably gas.
I feel it in my ass!
Just take it
easy, Cousin Bubba.
There's always more
crabs in the sea.
Huh?
Damn, she give
you crabs, Bubba?
What? Hell no, man!
Bobbie Jo ain't got no crabs.
Then she done
give you lobsters.
You're gonna need that
special comb and conditioner.
I like lobsters.
Red Lobster's got them
cheddar cheese biscuits
that are to die fer.
Long John Silver's
ain't bad, neither.
Can't catch crabs at
Long John Silvers.
Just shut the hell
up and leave me alone!
Oh, you're never alone,
as long as you have
love in your heart.
Go away!
Okay.
Can I just have
another shot, please?
Sure thing, Bubba.
Man,
I'd do anything to
get Bobbie Jo back.
Well it's only me
Hey there, Bubba.
Sure looks like you're
having yourself a hard time.
Yeah.
I don't really feel like
talkin' about it, though.
You know, that's the
beautiful thing about life.
You don't have to talk about it,
you just gotta change it.
- What?
- Yeah, what do you, whoa!
Man, you don't look right.
Oh, you mean this?
Nothin', it's just a sunburn.
I got it on a business trip.
It was pure hell.
Oh, tell you what, Bubba,
let me buy you a round,
or 20.
Gee, thanks, mister.
Come on, Bubba.
Tell me what you
want out of life.
What would make you happy?
Well, I guess
whatever it takes
to win back Bobbie Jo.
Hell yeah.
Mmm.
Jack and Sammy?
Ha, I must've died and
gone to heaven.
Heaven?
No, no.
Heaven gets top
shelf and imports.
But we're not gonna worry
about that right now.
Come on, Bubba, tell
me what you want.
What I want?
Yeah, tell me what
you really, really want.
Well, I wanna be
strong and powerful,
and I wanna be a macho
man, with hair on my chest,
and hair on my head.
I don't wanna go bald no more,
and I want people to love me,
and count on me to
protect 'em and whatnot.
Yeah, and I wanna
be strong enough
to take on whoever,
whatever might come my way,
you know what I mean?
Okay, anything else?
I could use a
four-slice toaster.
Okay,
here's what I got.
You're gonna be the
strongest, most powerful,
baddest bad ass in
this entire town.
You'll be lovable
and happy as hell.
And as far as that
whole bald thing goes,
don't worry about it.
Your hair is gonna be so dense
that your conditioner's gonna
need fuckin' conditioner.
What?
But, all you gotta
do is sign this.
You sign this right now,
and I will get you
this one-of-a-kind,
state-of-the-art General
Electric four-slice toaster.
Seriously?
Hey, let me tell
you somethin'.
The toaster alone is
worth the whole deal,
but you know, Bubba?
I like you, no, I
really like you.
I'm gonna throw in a
beautiful smokeless ash tray,
- and a vegetable peeler.
- What?
Holy shit!
You mean I get all three?
No, no, no, the vegetable
peeler's off the table,
you took to long.
No, me and Bobbie Jo
needs that vegetable peeler.
You keep whinin' like
that and I'm gonna take away
that ash tray, too.
No, man, I need that
smokeless ash tray.
Then all you gotta
do is sign here,
- and here,
- Yep.
and initial it right there.
Hell yeah.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Bubba?
I didn't think you had it in ya,
but you've made a very wise
choice, a very wise choice.
Well let's shake
on it like men.
Sure, don't mind if I do.
Ow!
That's a little warm.
Sunburn, remember?
I didn't know
it was contagious.
Well, I'm off to take in
a few of the local sights.
Maybe a few locals
too, while I'm at it.
See you around, Fuzzy.
All right, man.
Man, I really wanted
that vegetable peeler.
Whoa.
Must be dreamin'.
If I'm dreamin' this
ain't gonna hurt a bit.
Guess I was dreamin'.
Holy shit, I'm a werewolf.
I'm a fuckin' werewolf.
Awesome!
Woo!
I vant to suck your blood.
Bond, Bubba Bond.
You talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
Ohhhh!
You, really, you talkin' to me?
Better not.
I'm a fuckin' werewolf, ha!
Oowie, damn, ha ha!
Yeah, yeah!
Oh.
What's that?
Probably not important.
Hello?
But, but Ms. Reynolds,
I know, I know I'm late.
Fine.
Work time.
Shithead, I'm warnin' you.
You show up late one more time,
just one more time, and I'll...
You'll what?
Bubba!
Bubba!
Bubba!
Come back here, you shithead!
Yeah, I'm gonna
like it around here.
Hell is on the way,
he's lookin' right at you.
Prayer card, prayer
card, hello, sir.
Prayer cards.
Prayer card, oh
lord, prayer cards.
Get your prayer card,
hell is on its way
and it's lookin' right
at you, prayer card.
Put him on the phone.
Well then he can shave
his own damn back.
I don't care, have him come
over here and say that.
Prayer cards.
Collect 'em all.
Prayer cards.
Oh my god.
Uh, oh my god.
Ah!
Hey buddy, can
you lend me a hand?
Why sure thing.
And now, down to business.
How come you're
always, here, Cletus?
Don't you never go home?
Well, I lost my
testicles in 'Nam,
so I don't have to work.
My wife left me, dog died,
my cat,
well, I don't even have a cat.
So what do I have
to go home for?
Don't you have any hobbies?
Besides wishin' I
had my testicles back?
No.
Hey, Jamie Sue.
You look
good enough to eat.
Hey, Bubba.
How are you today?
Oh, you know, runnin'
around with some dogs,
kinda lost track of time.
Uh-huh, well, it's never
too early for a drink.
Hey, I can't
drink a Silver Bullet.
But it's the cheapest today.
Give me somethin' better.
I'm celebratin'.
Give me somethin' red.
Cornstock Red it is.
Bubba, ever tell you about
how I lost my testicles in 'Nam?
Hey, don't y'all
notice nothin' different
about me today?
No, wait.
Did you wash your hat?
Yeah, your hat
does look cleaner.
Seriously?
Well, your breath does
stink a little more.
And?
You smell a bit less
like shit than usual.
Y'all are pissin' me off.
And it's makin' me hungry.
And that's how I
spelled the letter when I was a cheerleader.
Found my wallet.
Dammit, Bubba.
You spilled hot
sauce everywhere.
I'm sorry, Jamie Sue.
These chicken wings
are delicious.
Think you could
tackle a fifth plate?
Yeah, maybe one more.
Can't believe I'm still hungry.
I can't believe he
ate 700 chicken wings.
I can't believe the
bill I'm gonna give you.
What do you
happy-go-lucky boys want?
I don't know,
how 'bout all the money
in the cash register?
That ain't
one of them real guns.
That's one of them
there fake ones.
Oh yeah?
Well then this shouldn't
hurt one little bit.
Jamie Sue, got
any more of this hot sauce?
I think this bottle's empty.
What the fuck?
You said this
wouldn't hurt one bit.
He were right, I told ya.
Y'all ain't got nothin'
but BB guns.
Bubba, are you okay?
Because I'm not sure, but
I think you've just been shot,
twice.
Really?
I thought I heard
a couple gunshots.
Bubba, your shoulder.
It ain't hot sauce?
No, Bubba, you just been
shot by them two boys,
the ones holdin' guns.
Why you boys
interruptin' my dinner?
What the fuck is that?
It's a Bigfoot thing?
I
don't know, I think it's
one of them hairy
carnival people.
I think it's one
of them goat boys.
You a goat boy?
Baa.
Cletus, get behind the bar.
Damn kids and their cap guns.
No respect for us Vietnam vets.
Well you just, you
just stop right there.
Don't know what the
fuck you are, but
you sit, you stay.
Smells like at least one
of you boys shit your pants.
I'm tryin' to eat over here.
No, we wouldn'ta done
anything like that.
If it ain't shit, it
can only be one thing,
fear.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You done pissin' yourself?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Batter's up.
Hope y'all don't mind.
I'm still hungry.
God almighty, Bubba.
You are not gettin'
one more chicken wing
until you help me
clean this shit up!
I ain't hungry for chicken.
Don't get excited, Jamie Sue.
You know, I'm startin'
to think there's a
bit more different
about Bubba than just
stinkier breath
and a cleaner hat.
Oh, you think?
I do.
He ain't just some damn,
dumb redneck anymore, he's a,
he's a warrior,
a warrior fightin' for justice
and the American way of life.
And he eats human corpses.
Yeah, just pour
me another drink
and I'll tell ya how I lost
my balls in the Tet Offensive.
So you're sayin' my soul,
the only part of me
that lives beyond death,
given to me by God so that
I can live forever and ever,
and the only part
of me that is truly
and wholly me,
Indubitably.
The vital animated
principle of my bein',
credited with the faculties of
thought, action and emotion,
separable from the
body only at death,
and susceptible to
everlastin' torment
or eternal happiness,
my entire spiritual nature,
in exchange for a
third hand, what,
that I can tickle my balls
with while I jerk off?
Exactly.
Well then, you
have yourself a deal.
Ah, you're a good man.
And like most, I'm
sure you want to try
the old salami
slide, menage a palm,
the whipping of the bishop,
and nailin' a couple of
cardinals at the same time.
As we like to say below,
the more the merrier.
Put her there, pal.
No thanks.
You have a blast.
Oh, oh boy.
Oh boy, oh boy.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Excuse me.
Oh, this is gonna be so good.
Ah, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
It won't reach!
It won't reach!
It won't fucking reach!
I got that change in my pocket
Bubba?
I don't understand all of
what just happened, but
thanks a million.
My pleasure, Jamie Sue.
To be honest, I'm not
sure what come over me.
Never eaten a man before.
What come over ya is
that fightin' spirit.
You ain't that lame-ass
pussy like you used to be.
Eatin' the flesh of your enemies
without barfin'
all over yourself,
that's given you spunk,
and I don't mean that
kinda spunk you get
at them VC jack-shack
parlors.
I'm gonna load
up on the jukebox.
Get me a drink, would
you, bubble buns?
That's when he started to
shove and I needed my space
So I poked him in the eye
and I laughed in his face
I'm standin' up in front of
him, just a combin' my hair
Said I'm too mean to die,
and I'm much too drunk to care.
Who's the new guy?
Damn.
Who?
You mean Bubba?
No, that ripped fella
with all that glorious hair.
Yeah, that's Bubba.
What?
That ain't the
same Bubba I know.
Sure is.
Maybe you just
don't recognize him
'cause he has a beard now.
Too mean to die
and too drunk to care
Bubba, you a damn hero.
I ain't seen a man
kick so much ass
since well, that time in
the Vietnamese whorehouse
when my sergeant
kicked a corporal's ass
for not tippin' for a blow job.
Boy howdy, that was
somethin' to see, 'cause
she was quite the
sword swallower.
And I'm far to drunk to care
What?
Can I get
y'all somethin' to drink?
Uh, rum and cokes.
What's Cletus talkin' about?
Well, we were
almost robbed, but
Bubba kicked their asses.
Bubba kicked someone's ass?
No fuckin' way.
Damn right he did.
Both of 'em.
This Bubba here, he's a regular
Mohammed Van Damme.
Fuck you, Bubba,
still makin' eyes at Bobbie Jo.
It don't matter if you was
the Green fuckin' Lantern,
I stole your woman
and there ain't
a goddamn thing you
can do about it.
I'd watch your mouth,
Dangerous Dwight.
I ain't the same Bubba you
fucked with last night.
You sure that's Bubba?
That's clearly not Bubba.
The hell you talkin' about?
Bubba's got a beard is all.
Bubba gets his
cheap beer for free
for the rest of the night.
Yeah go, Bubba,
go, go, go, go, go,
- go, go.
- Fuckin' Bubba.
I had enough.
Why do you think they
call me Dangerous Dwight?
You don't know how to drive?
Cut it out, Dwight.
If that's Bubba, it ain't
the Bubba you're used to.
The hell do you think you are?
I stole your woman,
I knocked you out,
and that's the way of things.
Oh, shit.
I don't wanna clean
this up again.
Growin' a splotch of facial
hair don't make you a man.
I ain't just a man no more.
Bubba?
Is that really you?
Yeah, it's me.
What happened to you?
You, you, you grew a pair.
I grew more than a pair.
Let's talk outside.
Grew more than a pair?
How many balls you
think he's got?
I can't believe
you sold your soul
to the devil, Bubba.
I told you, Bobbie Jo,
I'd do whatever it
took to get you back.
You sold your soul
to the devil, for me.
Yep, pretty much.
Bubba Blanch, that's
the most romantic thing
I ever did hear of.
You fought off robbers.
You stood up to Dwight
and I never knew
you had it in you, Bubba.
I mean, I'd hoped and all, but
this new you's a whole lot
more than just hairier.
Wait a minute.
You're all big and hairy now, so
what's it like, you
know, down there?
You wanna take a look?
Holy
We're gettin' married!
Hey, my future wife just
said we're gettin' hitched
in the unforeseen future.
Anyone hollers to congratulate
Bubba and Bobbie Jo,
their next drink is free.
Aw, shit.
All right.
About time you made an
honest man outta him, girl.
Sit down, let me
buy y'all a round.
Oh, I think I'll
stand for tonight.
Maybe tomorrow too.
Drink up, you lovebugs, you.
Here's hopin' everyone
in Cracker County
is as happy as we are today.
All right.
People cheerin',
I'll drink to that.
We ain't all happy,
Bubba Beauregard Blanch.
Your misery done unleashed
the devil on our town,
and not all of us
who traded our souls
are as content to be freaks
and monsters as you are.
We got a bum rap.
We didn't get no
gift-wrapped girl toy nor no
head full of beautiful hair.
We ain't content to,
dammit, that weren't
supposed to happen yet.
Done robbed me of my
dramatic atmosphere.
Why
do you have a third
arm on your head?
It's my curse.
I wanted to
play more slots in the casino.
That makes sense, Bubba.
I just wanted my hubby
back and the damn kids gone.
And I didn't even get a
choice in the fuckin' matter.
What?
I have no clue what
the Batman is sayin'.
What's your problem?
Don't get me started.
Holy shit.
All right, it's obvious
what your problem is.
But I haven't
said anything yet.
It's all right, we
can tell, just sit down.
Oh, y'all can see
my acne from there?
This is all your
fault, Bubba Blanch.
That devil done smelled your
pathetic pussy-assed whimperin'
all the way from
hell and rose up
to have a laugh
on the lot of us.
My fault?
Y'all signed your
own damn contracts.
Well the devil tricked us.
He goes by many names.
Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub,
some even call him a lawyer.
Well, it's not so bad.
We're dead and we're damned
and we're stuck in this bar
until we're saved.
Wait, why are you
stuck in the bar?
Well, we sure as hell
ain't leavin' this bar
until you save us.
This can't be happening.
This is our bar, and I
fucking hate kids!
What the hell do
I do to stop this?
Well, it's obvious, ain't it?
You gotta find and
kill the devil,
get our contracts
back and destroy 'em.
How the hell do I do that?
No idea.
Bubba, sometimes
the answers we seek
are written in the
questions themselves.
It's Biker Bob, master
of the two-stroke engine.
If you want to find the devil,
find the one guy that knows
the son of a bitch best.
Find a guy named Todd Who.
Todd Who, huh?
Find him and you
find the devil.
Find the devil, you
destroy the contracts.
But, what about my contract?
Get to that when
we get to that.
The most important thing
is to save this here bar,
and all those damn people, too.
Find Todd Who, the
rest'll fall into place.
Wow.
Never thought I'd see the
master of the two-stroke engine.
It's amazing.
Well you know what's amazin',
not bein' able to
find your balls
in a Vietnamese ping-pong shop.
Nobody cares about your balls.
What we care about
is savin' this bar.
It's damn kids I hate.
You have to do this, Bubba.
If you started this,
you can end it.
You'll save the people
and save the bar
and you'll be a hero.
I've gotta do
this for the bar.
I've gotta do this for the
guy with the huge testicles,
the guy that wants
to play the slots.
I'm gonna make that devil pay.
Oh, Bubba.
Dammit, Bubba, this
bar needs savin'.
Right.
I gotta go find
that Todd character.
Todd Who.
Yep.
Bubba, Bubba get
out here quick!
Clovis, I'm tryin' to
sleep in here, dammit.
Sleepin?
But we got a job to do.
Get all your guns and all
your bullets and get out here!
What are you talkin' about?
It's the damn
zombie apocalypse.
Everything we ever dreamed of.
Get all your guns
and all your bullets
and let's go!
Holy shit.
Yeah!
Wow, it's beautiful.
The devil's gone
too far with this one.
He sure the hell has.
Aim carefully boys.
Remember, you gotta shoot
zombies in the head.
I hit a tree.
Damn, I
just shot my foot.
Wow, it's Biker Bob.
Again.
Heard about your zombies.
Ain't got a chance
here in Cracker County.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Those aren't zombies.
What are you talkin' about?
Them there's zombies.
Seriously, those are
hippie college kids
lookin' for mushrooms.
Shoot one in the leg
and see what happens.
Ow!
Goddamn, my leg!
Ow!
Told you so.
What'd he say?
Ain't zombies.
College kids.
College kids?
Yeah!
I think this calls
for a tactical retreat.
Crimety.
What a waste of time.
Hi, Bubba.
How's your hero's quest goin'?
Heroic?
Thought you might
need a pick up?
Wanna make me walk funny again?
Did I say somethin' wrong?
No, Bobbie Jo,
it's just I'm gonna
need all my vital juices
if I'm gonna kick the
shit outta that devil.
You sure?
Women weaken legs.
Bobbie Jo, after all
this business is done,
we can have all the hot
hanky-panky you want.
You're a good man, Bubba.
Here's somethin' for the wait.
Dammit, Bobbie
Jo, ahh!
We are not havin' sex.
Dammit, Bobbie Jo,
I gotta find that
Todd Who character.
Who?
Yeah, Who.
Figure I'll start
on the east side,
work my way to the west.
Wish me luck.
This devil better
be easier to find
than lips on a chicken.
Ahh!
Frickin' brain freeze.
So buddy, got any change?
What's that smell?
That's worse than
a 50 cent cigar.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's me.
I've been on the
streets for a while.
Hey, you live around here?
'Cause I'm lookin' for a fella
who can tell me
where the devil is.
You're lookin' for the devil?
No, I'm lookin' for the man
that can tell me
where the devil is.
His name's Todd Who.
Todd Who, huh?
Let me think for just
a second here, uh.
I'll tell you what.
Give me a dollar and I'll
tell you how to find him.
All right.
Where is Who?
No, Where is Who's
cousin, Fred Where.
What?
No, no, Jerry
What's his uncle.
Lives on the other side of town.
You're gonna need a car.
What?
Yes, What.
Not what, Who?
Yes, Who.
You're a lot closer
than you think.
To what, Who?
Right.
Who?
Right.
Dang it, I'm right about what?
No, no, you're
right about Who.
If you're gonna be a smart
ass, I want my dollar back.
What's your name, anyway?
Who.
You, that's who.
Exactly.
Your name's exactly.
My brother's name's Exactly.
How's your brother got
anything to do with this?
Him and This got
hitched last year,
now she's expecting.
What?
No, no, no, Uncle What's gay.
He wouldn't have nothin'
to do with no woman.
That definitely
was not worth a dollar.
That's right, Broken Taint.
Hell is full, and so
we're franchising,
and you, yes you get
the honor of being
the first earthly branch.
Lucky us.
And how quickly can we
get up to a thousand souls?
Well that's up to you.
And what would you like, sir?
I'd give my soul for a woman.
Congrats.
You're a woman.
And what can I do for you?
Love.
STDs it is!
Your wish is truly my pleasure.
Contracts for
everyone, souls for me.
Get 'em
while they're hot.
This place is
literally hell on earth,
and I'm here to stay,
so you better get used to it.
Damn.
Gets worse every minute.
Tell me about it, hmm.
Bubba, I thought you
was off savin' the world.
I'm not very good
at it, apparently.
I can't find the devil,
I can't find Todd Hu,
I can't find nothin'.
You'll find him, Bubba.
I know you can do it.
You darn well better, Bubba.
The last hour alone we've
got two new old people,
a transvestite and
whoever the hell that is.
Hewo!
Hey, what you got there,
Bubba, let me see that.
You get this when you make
your deal with he devil?
Yeah, so?
Incredible.
Why, what is it?
No idea.
But I bet I know who would.
I've had to look
for that Hu feller.
No, not him.
You should go see
that old palm reader
down on Slumber Road,
out by the graveyard.
She's the spookiest
clairvoyant in Cracker County.
That's a good idea, Bubba.
This thing's kinda scary.
I don't wanna see
no bumbo, jumbo woman.
But we don't have
no other options.
Why don't you give her a chance?
She lives in this
la di da antique store
down by the edge of town
with her beautiful
granddaughter.
Well, if I must.
But I'm only doin'
it for the bar.
Yeah, I'll go with you.
Who is it that needs
to know the future?
Well, that'd be me, ma'am.
Ah,
I've been expecting you.
You have?
Your coming was
appropriately foreshadowed.
Weird.
Wanna see my palm?
I can't see your
palm, I'm blind.
Oh, you know what I mean.
Terms and medical things get
in the way of my understandin'.
Then give it to me.
What?
Your palm.
Oh, right.
No, the drool
brings the spirits.
I always thought it
was the other way around.
It won't fuckin' reach!
My nuts!
No! Bad Bubba.
This is just,
can you just tell
us what you saw?
I see a demon buying souls
and giving nothing in return.
Nothing but pain and
sorrow, and toasters.
He leads souls to
damnation on earth,
and I see you, you
Bubba Beauregard Blanch,
you were the first, but you're
definitely not the last.
Your desperation brought this
demon lawyer to our town,
your all-around pathetic,
pansy-ass, wistful wussiness.
All right, all right.
You don't need to
lay it on so thick.
You are the reason
he chose this town.
Long has he sought
a foothold on earth,
and you showed him just
how gullible and stupid
and easily manipulated
our townsfolk can be,
how ignorant,
weak-willed, soft...
All right, that's enough.
Did you not receive
the four-slice toaster
of?
Yeah, I got the toaster.
Did you not receive
the smokeless ash tray
from Fjorn Bjorg?
Yeah, I got the
smokeless ash tray.
And did you not receive
the vegetable peeler
of
Wait, I didn't get the peeler.
He took that away
at the last minute.
Wait, what?
You didn't get the
vegetable peeler?
No.
Then all is not lost for
the town of Broken Taint.
In his very first contract,
the demon has inadvertently
sanctioned his own undoing.
You are the chosen one.
You are the loophole.
You are the hero of heroes.
Oh, I don't know
about all that.
Doesn't matter what
you know, but know this.
You must return to
where it all began.
You must play to your strengths,
and you must always
remember that every deal,
every deal has an escape clause.
Can you say that again?
I only caught
about half of that.
Go back to the
fucking bar, you moron.
He's there right now.
That's freakin' disgusting.
Ugh, remind me to
never get my palm read.
That devil done
fucked up my town,
and he dare show
his face in my bar?
That sorry son of a bitch
is gonna regret the day
he ever shook my hand.
Oh, I love you, Bubba.
You sound just like one
of them comic book heroes.
Through the darkest
night, and evil's might
a hero will rise, uh,
to kick some ass!
So Cletus, you're
kind of a fixture here
at the old Beelzebub.
So tell me, what do
you want in life?
I'd say my left testicle,
but I'm better off without it.
What?
A man wants both his balls.
Makes the testosterone flow.
Doesn't matter anyway.
My dick don't get hard no more.
They got little
blue pills for that.
Oh, I tried that, don't work.
So you want your mojo back.
Eh, can't have sex
anyway, doctor's orders.
Yeah, I gots the hip problems.
So a hip fix, boner city,
and one brand-spanking
new testicle.
Can't walk too good.
Got the bunions.
Right, bunions be gone,
hips fixed, erection-town,
and a mountain oyster.
And with that, I still
got the swollen prostate.
Okay, a weiner, extra stiff,
with a re-whipped
hip, hold the bunions,
and a side of ripened gonad.
That's a very
generous offer, but
won't do me no good anyhow.
I gots the OCD, the ADD,
the AT&T and Verizon's
my internet provider.
Okay, that's it, hey, Clovis.
How you know my name?
I know everyone's
name, booger boy.
Quit pickin' your nose
and pointin' at your brain
and why don't you just tell me
what you want out of life.
Well, I could really
use a cold beer.
Seriously?
That's it?
Yep.
What an ass.
I wouldn't drink
that if I were you.
Oh, the prodigal
puppy returns.
I thought you'd be on
your honeymoon by now.
I had somethin' I had
to take care of first.
Rip his head off, Bubba.
Chop him up, Bubba.
Give him hell, Bubba.
Is this seriously
some kind of challenge?
You had your fun, lawyer boy.
We don't take kindly to cityfolk
meddlin' with the way
of things around here.
We don't want no part
of your frachimization.
You can take your hell
, and shove it.
You tell him, Bubba.
Et tu, Bubba?
After all I've done for you?
What's your fight in this?
My town, my rules,
I fight for them.
Hey, you can't make an omelet
without breakin' a few eggs.
I fuckin' hate omelets.
Hey, hold on big guy, hold on.
If we're gonna do this,
let's do it like men.
Dueling pistols at 10 paces,
or how 'bout a sword fight?
Saws?
Slingshots?
Strippers?
Old school, new school and
fresh from reform school.
So, what's it gonna be?
Play
to your strengths, Bubba.
Remember?
I said that earlier.
Right.
I choose
quarters.
For all the souls
in Broken Taint,
if I win, you tear
up all the contracts
and you never step foot
in Cracker County again.
Hmm, fine.
And if I win,
I get to marry
Cletus.
I wonder where the devil'd
take you for your honeymoon?
Probably someplace nice.
Ow!
Even though my bridal showers
would probably kick ass,
I don't know if my
ass could take it.
I'm trustin' ya, Bubba
Beauregard Blanch.
I'm trustin' you
with my corn hole.
Deal.
May the best monster win.
House rules.
No mercy.
First one off this chair loses.
Now this is my daddy's
own garage-made moonshine,
guaranteed at 200 proof
with some gasoline
sterno and nitroglycerin
for that little extra
kick.
Ha.
I brought my own
patented hellshine,
666 proof, distilled directly
from the blood, tears
and yes, the ball
sweat of the damned.
Oh, man.
That's what you wanted that for?
I can make more
if you need it.
Begin!
Drink.
Shit.
Shit.
Did y'all eat anything
before he came in here today?
On the way over, Bubba
ate a liberal Democrat.
Oh, good.
Yes, drink asshole.
But I didn't get it in.
You was takin' too long.
Ow!
All right.
Time to break out
the good stuff.
Well, it's not called
spirits for nothin'.
You can do it, Bubba.
No pressure but, you're my
man and I'm countin' on you,
and if he wins, he's
gonna use Drunk Cletus
like a blow-up doll in a
prison full of sex perverts.
No pressure.
Don't worry, Bobbie Jo.
I got this.
Keep the liquor
flowin', big guy.
That stuff, oh god.
That stuff's pretty good.
You's ain't beatin' me.
Not even close.
You think you're all big
and bad and scary and shit,
but this here,
this is a drinkin' game.
Makes us equal.
Pals, even.
Big ole, buddy ole,
pal-y, pal, pal.
I'm startin' to like you.
That doesn't count.
I didn't fall out of my chair.
He pushed me.
That was a straight up
fist bump, 100% legal.
You're out of the chair,
you're out of the game.
Did I win?
Yes, you did, Wolfie.
Whew.
My corn hole is safe.
Yes, but at what cost?
Aw, shit.
You fucking imbeciles,
you can't beat me
on a technicality.
But you made Bubba a deal.
Then show me the
fucking contract.
For the love a,
I have seriously,
seriously had it
with all your rules
and regulations.
If I can't fight you like a man,
then I'll fight you like a wolf.
My turn.
Bubba, Bubba, Bubba.
Don't you remember, I made you,
and I can destroy
you just as easily.
Wait.
What?
My soul for his life.
Well, that's more like it.
Bobbie Jo, no.
You did it for me, Bubba.
Let me do it for you.
You can learn a
lot from this one.
There's a new way of
things in Cracker County,
and y'all best get in line.
Remember,
every deal has an escape clause.
Were you even fucking
listening before?
Wait.
The escape clause.
What was that?
The escape clause.
Every deal's got one.
Every deal.
And I should tell you because?
Aren't you
lawyer types always obligated
to explain all the loopholes
and shit whenever asked?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And no extra fees.
Yes, okay, what the fuck?
It makes very little
difference anyway,
'cause there's only one
way to get your contracts
and send me back to hell.
You've got to guess my name.
My real name.
Is your name John?
No.
Is it Mark?
No.
How 'bout Susan?
Susan?
Susan's a girl's name.
Mitch?
Who the hell would
name their kid Mitch?
Look, people, you're
never gonna get it,
so you might as
well give up trying.
I know.
It's Rumpelstiltskin.
Seriously?
I know you, man.
That's three
times in one week.
You're Bladdarick
Junior Adolfo Italicus
Joanna Rasputenstein
the Third, Junior.
What?
No.
No!
No one in a million
years has ever,
No, no!
I'll get you for this, Bubba.
I'll see you rot in hell.
Ahh!
Shit.
Way to drink, my hairy friend.
I knew you could do it, Bubba.
Here you go, losers.
Well, I'm off to go uh,
Play slots.
Yeah, that.
I have my family back.
We learned so much.
I am so fucking outta here.
Biker Bob.
How did you know the
devil's real name?
The master of the two-stroke
engine knows many things,
and that was one of 'em.
Free drinks for,
free Cornstock
Light for everyone.
I'm cured!
You sure were a sight
to see back there, Bubba.
I pretty much just got
drunk and knocked out.
Yeah, but you stood up to him.
You stood up for
yourself, for me,
for all of us.
And you sold your
soul to the devil
for me.
Makes you feel good, don't it?
Sure does.
Now could you, you
know, do it for me again?
Please?
Just one more time.
Bobbie Jo, I'm plenty tired.
Please?
Pretty please with
a cherry on top?
I'll do that thing that
made your leg shake again.
Ah, all right.
Another sensation.
Another darkness.
What is it this time, Mama?
Yes, no, wait.
No, yes, yes.
No, just gas this time.
Well I met a man
down in Cracker County
Who chased his dogs away
Who's had to go
fuckin' nuts on Friday
And Bubba is his name
Well they say he's
lazy and good for nothin'
And he'll prove
every word you say
But you mess with him,
his beer or his friends
There'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Yes, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Well all he owns
is his trailer
And his hat and a pickup truck
That day he turned into a wolf
Was a big change to his luck
He might not be much smarter
But you best
stay out of his way
So if you mess with him,
his beer or his friends
There'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Yes it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Well that's the tale of Bubba
A man unto his own
If you're feelin'
mighty froggy
Then I want to make it known
If you're thinkin'
'bout headin' down
Round about Bubba's way
Don't mess with him,
his beer or his friends
'Cause there'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
the redneck werewolf
Yes, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Hey, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Hey, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Can you sense it?
Darkness is descending.
Grave darkness.
Darkness and doom,
a great, great evil is on
its way to our little town.
And it is focused on one man.
Who is he, Mama?
This is hard to say,
for he is enshrouded
in many shadows.
But he is a man of destiny.
Hey, you cutie
wittle, wittle puppies.
Who wants some vittles, huh?
I've seen better.
Now gather round
and lend an ear
Pull up a chair,
slam down a beer
I've got you all
a story for the ages
Some folks say that
it just ain't true
But doubters is as doubters do
But me, I trust what's
in the funny pages
Imagine now if you will
A man of meager means
Who stumbled
'cross lycanthropy
But he don't know
what that means
Bubba, his name's Bubba
He was no different
than most folk
But know he's Bubba, yes Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
He loves his truck,
he loves his guns
He loves his Bobbie
Jo's tight buns
And howlin' at the
moon is really swell
He may not have
the sharpest wit
Frankly put he's
dumb as
But dammit if at
least he don't mean well
He's teeth are long,
his claws are sharp
He's a beast in moon and sun
If this defies
your precious science
Well you might
want to cut and run
Bubba, cursed Bubba
Your humanity's been revoked
Oh, Bubba, fuzzy Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Some say he's lazy as a dog
Ole Harper says he ate the hog
And all we all agree
he could shed less
But when the keg is truly out
When fears and
trouble start to mount
One man was always there
to save our ass, yahoo
Bubba, brave Bubba
You're a hero for us yokels
Oh Bubba, I love ya Bubba
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Bubba the redneck werewolf
Y'all ready for your
midnight snack, ain't ya?
Aw, come on, wait for
your turn, Sixpack,
Moonshine, Dale Earnhardt.
I ain't forgot about you.
Don't I always do right by you?
I sure as hell do.
I give Skippy extra walks,
and Rubby I give
extra tummy pats,
and Kinky,
I stay the hell
outta Kinky's way.
Everybody needs somebody
to take care of 'em,
and y'all got me.
Yeah, you do, aww,
you best be glad of that, too.
This crazy world's
fulla all kinds of shit.
Aww, shit.
Ugh.
Got shit in your hair again?
No!
Know you're talkin' about.
Well, there's a reason I
give you the night shift,
Shithead.
You ain't fit for
polite society.
I am too.
I'm goin' down to the
Rusty Bombshell right now
to see my girl.
Bobbie Jo
ain't any more your girl
than the Rusty Bombshell's
polite society.
You might as well
just lock yourself in
with the rest of them mutt
bastards and call it a night.
I really wish y'all'd
let me wear my hat in here.
You know I feel
naked without it.
Why?
So you can get
shit in that, too?
Shithead.
No!
Shut Up!
You're listening
to KRUD, the krud.
I'm back, baby.
I know you understand me.
Let's get drunk!
And I'm a southern man
And I'm straight outta hell
You ain't never
gonna hold me down
When push comes to shove
I'll be standin' up above
I'll always drag my
heels in the ground
I like to drink and smoke
and that ain't no joke
I sure do like to have my fun
When my best friend calls
You know I will give my all
I'm gonna die before I'm old
Maybe tonight'll be the
night we win Bobbie Jo back.
Straight outta hell
You ain't never
seen a fella like me
Well I done my share of wrong
And I spent some time in jail
I need some good
judge to set me free
Oh, hey, Jimbo.
How you doin', man?
Bethany Ann,
Lookin' good.
Wake up, Monty.
Cletus, you sumbitch you.
You smell like shit, Bubba.
What?
No, man, it's my new
colognes, High Karate, hai!
You smell like shit, Bubba.
- Whattaya have?
- What?
The cheapest.
Okay, Cornstock Light it is.
Y'all ain't seen Bobbie Jo
around here lately, have you?
Uh, well, yeah, she's...
Howdy y'all doin'
there, Cousin Bubba!
Shit.
How long's it been,
like a couple years?
I can remember when
you was yay tall.
Man, I see you every
damn day, Clovis.
I'm older than you are!
Really?
Then who am I thinkin' of?
I don't know.
Anyways, you seen
Bobbie Jo lately?
I'm kinda backed up, know
what I mean?
And she seemed
kinda distant too,
you know what I mean?
I never know what you mean.
But you don't need
her, Cousin Bubba.
- You got me.
- What?
That's just gross, man.
You're my third
cousin, once removed.
Maybe if you was my second
cousin, I'd think about it.
No, no, no, that's not what
I'm talkin' about, Bubba.
Well why not?
Hmm?
Where is she?
She's at her AAA meetin'.
You mean AA meetin'?
They got those
here on Thursdays.
No, I mean triple A meetin'.
She's makin' out
with Dangerous Dwight
in his fancy car.
The Automobile
Association of America
is not to be trifled with.
But I don't think gang bang
is part of the road services
described in the manual,
since I no longer
get the newsletters.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
What are you gonna do now?
Motherfucker, I fuckin' hate
cell phones and beepers!
Aw, son of a bitch!
Well that oughta teach
you to steal my girl,
Dangerous Dwight.
Oh.
Bubba Beauregard Blanch.
What you got against Billy
Bob's front headlight?
You got a bone to
pick with me, Bubba?
Well, no sir.
I just thought you
and Bobbie Jo was
messin' around in there.
Hell no.
I was messin' around
with Bobbie Jo in there.
Bobbie Jo, how could you?
Why wouldn't I?
Dwight and I have been datin'
for like two months now.
Or haven't you noticed.
Well back in high
school, you and me we...
Yeah, in high school.
A lot more than just a decade's
changed since then, Bubba.
Grown ass gal needs
a grown ass man,
a man's man, one that
can fix motorcycles
and has a double-wide
trailer, right?
He does have a pretty
sweet-ass trailer, Bubba.
It's got a toaster that
fits four slices of bread,
and a clicker for his TV that
he ain't never lost once.
The clicker?
Babe, if you just give
me a little bit of time
I could find...
But you don't, Bubba.
You never have.
You don't stand up for yourself.
You don't take responsibility.
I've got a job just
like you said I oughta do.
Yeah, back in high school,
and 10 years later you
still smell like puppy shit.
You look like it too, Bubba.
Why, you ain't even
got decent arm holes.
What's wrong
with my arm holes?
What isn't?
They look like they was
cut with pinkin' shears.
My arm holes?
Now these was done with
proper fuckin' scissors.
That's right, Bubba.
I own proper fuckin' scissors.
Only way to maintain sleeveless
flannel shirt upkeep.
Well babe,
you gonna let him talk about
my arm holes like that?
Are you?
Bubba, you ain't man
enough for Bobbie Jo.
No, no sir,
I never said I was.
Well I got more hair on my ass
than you got on that poor
excuse for a baldin' head.
It's true.
I don't feel safe goin'
around with you, Bubba,
not with all them hillbilly
rapists they got around here,
and them folks that
steal your shoes.
I would, I'd give
my life for you.
I'd maybe even give my truck.
Hell, Bob, I'd sell
my sorry ass soul if
I knew it'd do you any good.
If you think you're
man enough, Bubba,
fight me for her,
count of three.
Oh, no,
sir, I never said...
- What, no!
- One,
Ain't you even
gonna try, Bubba?
Two,
Look, let's flip for her.
Three!
Oh, look what you did.
The darkness is here.
I can feel it in my gut.
I feel it in my bones.
It's probably gas.
I feel it in my ass!
Just take it
easy, Cousin Bubba.
There's always more
crabs in the sea.
Huh?
Damn, she give
you crabs, Bubba?
What? Hell no, man!
Bobbie Jo ain't got no crabs.
Then she done
give you lobsters.
You're gonna need that
special comb and conditioner.
I like lobsters.
Red Lobster's got them
cheddar cheese biscuits
that are to die fer.
Long John Silver's
ain't bad, neither.
Can't catch crabs at
Long John Silvers.
Just shut the hell
up and leave me alone!
Oh, you're never alone,
as long as you have
love in your heart.
Go away!
Okay.
Can I just have
another shot, please?
Sure thing, Bubba.
Man,
I'd do anything to
get Bobbie Jo back.
Well it's only me
Hey there, Bubba.
Sure looks like you're
having yourself a hard time.
Yeah.
I don't really feel like
talkin' about it, though.
You know, that's the
beautiful thing about life.
You don't have to talk about it,
you just gotta change it.
- What?
- Yeah, what do you, whoa!
Man, you don't look right.
Oh, you mean this?
Nothin', it's just a sunburn.
I got it on a business trip.
It was pure hell.
Oh, tell you what, Bubba,
let me buy you a round,
or 20.
Gee, thanks, mister.
Come on, Bubba.
Tell me what you
want out of life.
What would make you happy?
Well, I guess
whatever it takes
to win back Bobbie Jo.
Hell yeah.
Mmm.
Jack and Sammy?
Ha, I must've died and
gone to heaven.
Heaven?
No, no.
Heaven gets top
shelf and imports.
But we're not gonna worry
about that right now.
Come on, Bubba, tell
me what you want.
What I want?
Yeah, tell me what
you really, really want.
Well, I wanna be
strong and powerful,
and I wanna be a macho
man, with hair on my chest,
and hair on my head.
I don't wanna go bald no more,
and I want people to love me,
and count on me to
protect 'em and whatnot.
Yeah, and I wanna
be strong enough
to take on whoever,
whatever might come my way,
you know what I mean?
Okay, anything else?
I could use a
four-slice toaster.
Okay,
here's what I got.
You're gonna be the
strongest, most powerful,
baddest bad ass in
this entire town.
You'll be lovable
and happy as hell.
And as far as that
whole bald thing goes,
don't worry about it.
Your hair is gonna be so dense
that your conditioner's gonna
need fuckin' conditioner.
What?
But, all you gotta
do is sign this.
You sign this right now,
and I will get you
this one-of-a-kind,
state-of-the-art General
Electric four-slice toaster.
Seriously?
Hey, let me tell
you somethin'.
The toaster alone is
worth the whole deal,
but you know, Bubba?
I like you, no, I
really like you.
I'm gonna throw in a
beautiful smokeless ash tray,
- and a vegetable peeler.
- What?
Holy shit!
You mean I get all three?
No, no, no, the vegetable
peeler's off the table,
you took to long.
No, me and Bobbie Jo
needs that vegetable peeler.
You keep whinin' like
that and I'm gonna take away
that ash tray, too.
No, man, I need that
smokeless ash tray.
Then all you gotta
do is sign here,
- and here,
- Yep.
and initial it right there.
Hell yeah.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Bubba?
I didn't think you had it in ya,
but you've made a very wise
choice, a very wise choice.
Well let's shake
on it like men.
Sure, don't mind if I do.
Ow!
That's a little warm.
Sunburn, remember?
I didn't know
it was contagious.
Well, I'm off to take in
a few of the local sights.
Maybe a few locals
too, while I'm at it.
See you around, Fuzzy.
All right, man.
Man, I really wanted
that vegetable peeler.
Whoa.
Must be dreamin'.
If I'm dreamin' this
ain't gonna hurt a bit.
Guess I was dreamin'.
Holy shit, I'm a werewolf.
I'm a fuckin' werewolf.
Awesome!
Woo!
I vant to suck your blood.
Bond, Bubba Bond.
You talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
Ohhhh!
You, really, you talkin' to me?
Better not.
I'm a fuckin' werewolf, ha!
Oowie, damn, ha ha!
Yeah, yeah!
Oh.
What's that?
Probably not important.
Hello?
But, but Ms. Reynolds,
I know, I know I'm late.
Fine.
Work time.
Shithead, I'm warnin' you.
You show up late one more time,
just one more time, and I'll...
You'll what?
Bubba!
Bubba!
Bubba!
Come back here, you shithead!
Yeah, I'm gonna
like it around here.
Hell is on the way,
he's lookin' right at you.
Prayer card, prayer
card, hello, sir.
Prayer cards.
Prayer card, oh
lord, prayer cards.
Get your prayer card,
hell is on its way
and it's lookin' right
at you, prayer card.
Put him on the phone.
Well then he can shave
his own damn back.
I don't care, have him come
over here and say that.
Prayer cards.
Collect 'em all.
Prayer cards.
Oh my god.
Uh, oh my god.
Ah!
Hey buddy, can
you lend me a hand?
Why sure thing.
And now, down to business.
How come you're
always, here, Cletus?
Don't you never go home?
Well, I lost my
testicles in 'Nam,
so I don't have to work.
My wife left me, dog died,
my cat,
well, I don't even have a cat.
So what do I have
to go home for?
Don't you have any hobbies?
Besides wishin' I
had my testicles back?
No.
Hey, Jamie Sue.
You look
good enough to eat.
Hey, Bubba.
How are you today?
Oh, you know, runnin'
around with some dogs,
kinda lost track of time.
Uh-huh, well, it's never
too early for a drink.
Hey, I can't
drink a Silver Bullet.
But it's the cheapest today.
Give me somethin' better.
I'm celebratin'.
Give me somethin' red.
Cornstock Red it is.
Bubba, ever tell you about
how I lost my testicles in 'Nam?
Hey, don't y'all
notice nothin' different
about me today?
No, wait.
Did you wash your hat?
Yeah, your hat
does look cleaner.
Seriously?
Well, your breath does
stink a little more.
And?
You smell a bit less
like shit than usual.
Y'all are pissin' me off.
And it's makin' me hungry.
And that's how I
spelled the letter when I was a cheerleader.
Found my wallet.
Dammit, Bubba.
You spilled hot
sauce everywhere.
I'm sorry, Jamie Sue.
These chicken wings
are delicious.
Think you could
tackle a fifth plate?
Yeah, maybe one more.
Can't believe I'm still hungry.
I can't believe he
ate 700 chicken wings.
I can't believe the
bill I'm gonna give you.
What do you
happy-go-lucky boys want?
I don't know,
how 'bout all the money
in the cash register?
That ain't
one of them real guns.
That's one of them
there fake ones.
Oh yeah?
Well then this shouldn't
hurt one little bit.
Jamie Sue, got
any more of this hot sauce?
I think this bottle's empty.
What the fuck?
You said this
wouldn't hurt one bit.
He were right, I told ya.
Y'all ain't got nothin'
but BB guns.
Bubba, are you okay?
Because I'm not sure, but
I think you've just been shot,
twice.
Really?
I thought I heard
a couple gunshots.
Bubba, your shoulder.
It ain't hot sauce?
No, Bubba, you just been
shot by them two boys,
the ones holdin' guns.
Why you boys
interruptin' my dinner?
What the fuck is that?
It's a Bigfoot thing?
I
don't know, I think it's
one of them hairy
carnival people.
I think it's one
of them goat boys.
You a goat boy?
Baa.
Cletus, get behind the bar.
Damn kids and their cap guns.
No respect for us Vietnam vets.
Well you just, you
just stop right there.
Don't know what the
fuck you are, but
you sit, you stay.
Smells like at least one
of you boys shit your pants.
I'm tryin' to eat over here.
No, we wouldn'ta done
anything like that.
If it ain't shit, it
can only be one thing,
fear.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You done pissin' yourself?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Batter's up.
Hope y'all don't mind.
I'm still hungry.
God almighty, Bubba.
You are not gettin'
one more chicken wing
until you help me
clean this shit up!
I ain't hungry for chicken.
Don't get excited, Jamie Sue.
You know, I'm startin'
to think there's a
bit more different
about Bubba than just
stinkier breath
and a cleaner hat.
Oh, you think?
I do.
He ain't just some damn,
dumb redneck anymore, he's a,
he's a warrior,
a warrior fightin' for justice
and the American way of life.
And he eats human corpses.
Yeah, just pour
me another drink
and I'll tell ya how I lost
my balls in the Tet Offensive.
So you're sayin' my soul,
the only part of me
that lives beyond death,
given to me by God so that
I can live forever and ever,
and the only part
of me that is truly
and wholly me,
Indubitably.
The vital animated
principle of my bein',
credited with the faculties of
thought, action and emotion,
separable from the
body only at death,
and susceptible to
everlastin' torment
or eternal happiness,
my entire spiritual nature,
in exchange for a
third hand, what,
that I can tickle my balls
with while I jerk off?
Exactly.
Well then, you
have yourself a deal.
Ah, you're a good man.
And like most, I'm
sure you want to try
the old salami
slide, menage a palm,
the whipping of the bishop,
and nailin' a couple of
cardinals at the same time.
As we like to say below,
the more the merrier.
Put her there, pal.
No thanks.
You have a blast.
Oh, oh boy.
Oh boy, oh boy.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Excuse me.
Oh, this is gonna be so good.
Ah, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
It won't reach!
It won't reach!
It won't fucking reach!
I got that change in my pocket
Bubba?
I don't understand all of
what just happened, but
thanks a million.
My pleasure, Jamie Sue.
To be honest, I'm not
sure what come over me.
Never eaten a man before.
What come over ya is
that fightin' spirit.
You ain't that lame-ass
pussy like you used to be.
Eatin' the flesh of your enemies
without barfin'
all over yourself,
that's given you spunk,
and I don't mean that
kinda spunk you get
at them VC jack-shack
parlors.
I'm gonna load
up on the jukebox.
Get me a drink, would
you, bubble buns?
That's when he started to
shove and I needed my space
So I poked him in the eye
and I laughed in his face
I'm standin' up in front of
him, just a combin' my hair
Said I'm too mean to die,
and I'm much too drunk to care.
Who's the new guy?
Damn.
Who?
You mean Bubba?
No, that ripped fella
with all that glorious hair.
Yeah, that's Bubba.
What?
That ain't the
same Bubba I know.
Sure is.
Maybe you just
don't recognize him
'cause he has a beard now.
Too mean to die
and too drunk to care
Bubba, you a damn hero.
I ain't seen a man
kick so much ass
since well, that time in
the Vietnamese whorehouse
when my sergeant
kicked a corporal's ass
for not tippin' for a blow job.
Boy howdy, that was
somethin' to see, 'cause
she was quite the
sword swallower.
And I'm far to drunk to care
What?
Can I get
y'all somethin' to drink?
Uh, rum and cokes.
What's Cletus talkin' about?
Well, we were
almost robbed, but
Bubba kicked their asses.
Bubba kicked someone's ass?
No fuckin' way.
Damn right he did.
Both of 'em.
This Bubba here, he's a regular
Mohammed Van Damme.
Fuck you, Bubba,
still makin' eyes at Bobbie Jo.
It don't matter if you was
the Green fuckin' Lantern,
I stole your woman
and there ain't
a goddamn thing you
can do about it.
I'd watch your mouth,
Dangerous Dwight.
I ain't the same Bubba you
fucked with last night.
You sure that's Bubba?
That's clearly not Bubba.
The hell you talkin' about?
Bubba's got a beard is all.
Bubba gets his
cheap beer for free
for the rest of the night.
Yeah go, Bubba,
go, go, go, go, go,
- go, go.
- Fuckin' Bubba.
I had enough.
Why do you think they
call me Dangerous Dwight?
You don't know how to drive?
Cut it out, Dwight.
If that's Bubba, it ain't
the Bubba you're used to.
The hell do you think you are?
I stole your woman,
I knocked you out,
and that's the way of things.
Oh, shit.
I don't wanna clean
this up again.
Growin' a splotch of facial
hair don't make you a man.
I ain't just a man no more.
Bubba?
Is that really you?
Yeah, it's me.
What happened to you?
You, you, you grew a pair.
I grew more than a pair.
Let's talk outside.
Grew more than a pair?
How many balls you
think he's got?
I can't believe
you sold your soul
to the devil, Bubba.
I told you, Bobbie Jo,
I'd do whatever it
took to get you back.
You sold your soul
to the devil, for me.
Yep, pretty much.
Bubba Blanch, that's
the most romantic thing
I ever did hear of.
You fought off robbers.
You stood up to Dwight
and I never knew
you had it in you, Bubba.
I mean, I'd hoped and all, but
this new you's a whole lot
more than just hairier.
Wait a minute.
You're all big and hairy now, so
what's it like, you
know, down there?
You wanna take a look?
Holy
We're gettin' married!
Hey, my future wife just
said we're gettin' hitched
in the unforeseen future.
Anyone hollers to congratulate
Bubba and Bobbie Jo,
their next drink is free.
Aw, shit.
All right.
About time you made an
honest man outta him, girl.
Sit down, let me
buy y'all a round.
Oh, I think I'll
stand for tonight.
Maybe tomorrow too.
Drink up, you lovebugs, you.
Here's hopin' everyone
in Cracker County
is as happy as we are today.
All right.
People cheerin',
I'll drink to that.
We ain't all happy,
Bubba Beauregard Blanch.
Your misery done unleashed
the devil on our town,
and not all of us
who traded our souls
are as content to be freaks
and monsters as you are.
We got a bum rap.
We didn't get no
gift-wrapped girl toy nor no
head full of beautiful hair.
We ain't content to,
dammit, that weren't
supposed to happen yet.
Done robbed me of my
dramatic atmosphere.
Why
do you have a third
arm on your head?
It's my curse.
I wanted to
play more slots in the casino.
That makes sense, Bubba.
I just wanted my hubby
back and the damn kids gone.
And I didn't even get a
choice in the fuckin' matter.
What?
I have no clue what
the Batman is sayin'.
What's your problem?
Don't get me started.
Holy shit.
All right, it's obvious
what your problem is.
But I haven't
said anything yet.
It's all right, we
can tell, just sit down.
Oh, y'all can see
my acne from there?
This is all your
fault, Bubba Blanch.
That devil done smelled your
pathetic pussy-assed whimperin'
all the way from
hell and rose up
to have a laugh
on the lot of us.
My fault?
Y'all signed your
own damn contracts.
Well the devil tricked us.
He goes by many names.
Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub,
some even call him a lawyer.
Well, it's not so bad.
We're dead and we're damned
and we're stuck in this bar
until we're saved.
Wait, why are you
stuck in the bar?
Well, we sure as hell
ain't leavin' this bar
until you save us.
This can't be happening.
This is our bar, and I
fucking hate kids!
What the hell do
I do to stop this?
Well, it's obvious, ain't it?
You gotta find and
kill the devil,
get our contracts
back and destroy 'em.
How the hell do I do that?
No idea.
Bubba, sometimes
the answers we seek
are written in the
questions themselves.
It's Biker Bob, master
of the two-stroke engine.
If you want to find the devil,
find the one guy that knows
the son of a bitch best.
Find a guy named Todd Who.
Todd Who, huh?
Find him and you
find the devil.
Find the devil, you
destroy the contracts.
But, what about my contract?
Get to that when
we get to that.
The most important thing
is to save this here bar,
and all those damn people, too.
Find Todd Who, the
rest'll fall into place.
Wow.
Never thought I'd see the
master of the two-stroke engine.
It's amazing.
Well you know what's amazin',
not bein' able to
find your balls
in a Vietnamese ping-pong shop.
Nobody cares about your balls.
What we care about
is savin' this bar.
It's damn kids I hate.
You have to do this, Bubba.
If you started this,
you can end it.
You'll save the people
and save the bar
and you'll be a hero.
I've gotta do
this for the bar.
I've gotta do this for the
guy with the huge testicles,
the guy that wants
to play the slots.
I'm gonna make that devil pay.
Oh, Bubba.
Dammit, Bubba, this
bar needs savin'.
Right.
I gotta go find
that Todd character.
Todd Who.
Yep.
Bubba, Bubba get
out here quick!
Clovis, I'm tryin' to
sleep in here, dammit.
Sleepin?
But we got a job to do.
Get all your guns and all
your bullets and get out here!
What are you talkin' about?
It's the damn
zombie apocalypse.
Everything we ever dreamed of.
Get all your guns
and all your bullets
and let's go!
Holy shit.
Yeah!
Wow, it's beautiful.
The devil's gone
too far with this one.
He sure the hell has.
Aim carefully boys.
Remember, you gotta shoot
zombies in the head.
I hit a tree.
Damn, I
just shot my foot.
Wow, it's Biker Bob.
Again.
Heard about your zombies.
Ain't got a chance
here in Cracker County.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Those aren't zombies.
What are you talkin' about?
Them there's zombies.
Seriously, those are
hippie college kids
lookin' for mushrooms.
Shoot one in the leg
and see what happens.
Ow!
Goddamn, my leg!
Ow!
Told you so.
What'd he say?
Ain't zombies.
College kids.
College kids?
Yeah!
I think this calls
for a tactical retreat.
Crimety.
What a waste of time.
Hi, Bubba.
How's your hero's quest goin'?
Heroic?
Thought you might
need a pick up?
Wanna make me walk funny again?
Did I say somethin' wrong?
No, Bobbie Jo,
it's just I'm gonna
need all my vital juices
if I'm gonna kick the
shit outta that devil.
You sure?
Women weaken legs.
Bobbie Jo, after all
this business is done,
we can have all the hot
hanky-panky you want.
You're a good man, Bubba.
Here's somethin' for the wait.
Dammit, Bobbie
Jo, ahh!
We are not havin' sex.
Dammit, Bobbie Jo,
I gotta find that
Todd Who character.
Who?
Yeah, Who.
Figure I'll start
on the east side,
work my way to the west.
Wish me luck.
This devil better
be easier to find
than lips on a chicken.
Ahh!
Frickin' brain freeze.
So buddy, got any change?
What's that smell?
That's worse than
a 50 cent cigar.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's me.
I've been on the
streets for a while.
Hey, you live around here?
'Cause I'm lookin' for a fella
who can tell me
where the devil is.
You're lookin' for the devil?
No, I'm lookin' for the man
that can tell me
where the devil is.
His name's Todd Who.
Todd Who, huh?
Let me think for just
a second here, uh.
I'll tell you what.
Give me a dollar and I'll
tell you how to find him.
All right.
Where is Who?
No, Where is Who's
cousin, Fred Where.
What?
No, no, Jerry
What's his uncle.
Lives on the other side of town.
You're gonna need a car.
What?
Yes, What.
Not what, Who?
Yes, Who.
You're a lot closer
than you think.
To what, Who?
Right.
Who?
Right.
Dang it, I'm right about what?
No, no, you're
right about Who.
If you're gonna be a smart
ass, I want my dollar back.
What's your name, anyway?
Who.
You, that's who.
Exactly.
Your name's exactly.
My brother's name's Exactly.
How's your brother got
anything to do with this?
Him and This got
hitched last year,
now she's expecting.
What?
No, no, no, Uncle What's gay.
He wouldn't have nothin'
to do with no woman.
That definitely
was not worth a dollar.
That's right, Broken Taint.
Hell is full, and so
we're franchising,
and you, yes you get
the honor of being
the first earthly branch.
Lucky us.
And how quickly can we
get up to a thousand souls?
Well that's up to you.
And what would you like, sir?
I'd give my soul for a woman.
Congrats.
You're a woman.
And what can I do for you?
Love.
STDs it is!
Your wish is truly my pleasure.
Contracts for
everyone, souls for me.
Get 'em
while they're hot.
This place is
literally hell on earth,
and I'm here to stay,
so you better get used to it.
Damn.
Gets worse every minute.
Tell me about it, hmm.
Bubba, I thought you
was off savin' the world.
I'm not very good
at it, apparently.
I can't find the devil,
I can't find Todd Hu,
I can't find nothin'.
You'll find him, Bubba.
I know you can do it.
You darn well better, Bubba.
The last hour alone we've
got two new old people,
a transvestite and
whoever the hell that is.
Hewo!
Hey, what you got there,
Bubba, let me see that.
You get this when you make
your deal with he devil?
Yeah, so?
Incredible.
Why, what is it?
No idea.
But I bet I know who would.
I've had to look
for that Hu feller.
No, not him.
You should go see
that old palm reader
down on Slumber Road,
out by the graveyard.
She's the spookiest
clairvoyant in Cracker County.
That's a good idea, Bubba.
This thing's kinda scary.
I don't wanna see
no bumbo, jumbo woman.
But we don't have
no other options.
Why don't you give her a chance?
She lives in this
la di da antique store
down by the edge of town
with her beautiful
granddaughter.
Well, if I must.
But I'm only doin'
it for the bar.
Yeah, I'll go with you.
Who is it that needs
to know the future?
Well, that'd be me, ma'am.
Ah,
I've been expecting you.
You have?
Your coming was
appropriately foreshadowed.
Weird.
Wanna see my palm?
I can't see your
palm, I'm blind.
Oh, you know what I mean.
Terms and medical things get
in the way of my understandin'.
Then give it to me.
What?
Your palm.
Oh, right.
No, the drool
brings the spirits.
I always thought it
was the other way around.
It won't fuckin' reach!
My nuts!
No! Bad Bubba.
This is just,
can you just tell
us what you saw?
I see a demon buying souls
and giving nothing in return.
Nothing but pain and
sorrow, and toasters.
He leads souls to
damnation on earth,
and I see you, you
Bubba Beauregard Blanch,
you were the first, but you're
definitely not the last.
Your desperation brought this
demon lawyer to our town,
your all-around pathetic,
pansy-ass, wistful wussiness.
All right, all right.
You don't need to
lay it on so thick.
You are the reason
he chose this town.
Long has he sought
a foothold on earth,
and you showed him just
how gullible and stupid
and easily manipulated
our townsfolk can be,
how ignorant,
weak-willed, soft...
All right, that's enough.
Did you not receive
the four-slice toaster
of?
Yeah, I got the toaster.
Did you not receive
the smokeless ash tray
from Fjorn Bjorg?
Yeah, I got the
smokeless ash tray.
And did you not receive
the vegetable peeler
of
Wait, I didn't get the peeler.
He took that away
at the last minute.
Wait, what?
You didn't get the
vegetable peeler?
No.
Then all is not lost for
the town of Broken Taint.
In his very first contract,
the demon has inadvertently
sanctioned his own undoing.
You are the chosen one.
You are the loophole.
You are the hero of heroes.
Oh, I don't know
about all that.
Doesn't matter what
you know, but know this.
You must return to
where it all began.
You must play to your strengths,
and you must always
remember that every deal,
every deal has an escape clause.
Can you say that again?
I only caught
about half of that.
Go back to the
fucking bar, you moron.
He's there right now.
That's freakin' disgusting.
Ugh, remind me to
never get my palm read.
That devil done
fucked up my town,
and he dare show
his face in my bar?
That sorry son of a bitch
is gonna regret the day
he ever shook my hand.
Oh, I love you, Bubba.
You sound just like one
of them comic book heroes.
Through the darkest
night, and evil's might
a hero will rise, uh,
to kick some ass!
So Cletus, you're
kind of a fixture here
at the old Beelzebub.
So tell me, what do
you want in life?
I'd say my left testicle,
but I'm better off without it.
What?
A man wants both his balls.
Makes the testosterone flow.
Doesn't matter anyway.
My dick don't get hard no more.
They got little
blue pills for that.
Oh, I tried that, don't work.
So you want your mojo back.
Eh, can't have sex
anyway, doctor's orders.
Yeah, I gots the hip problems.
So a hip fix, boner city,
and one brand-spanking
new testicle.
Can't walk too good.
Got the bunions.
Right, bunions be gone,
hips fixed, erection-town,
and a mountain oyster.
And with that, I still
got the swollen prostate.
Okay, a weiner, extra stiff,
with a re-whipped
hip, hold the bunions,
and a side of ripened gonad.
That's a very
generous offer, but
won't do me no good anyhow.
I gots the OCD, the ADD,
the AT&T and Verizon's
my internet provider.
Okay, that's it, hey, Clovis.
How you know my name?
I know everyone's
name, booger boy.
Quit pickin' your nose
and pointin' at your brain
and why don't you just tell me
what you want out of life.
Well, I could really
use a cold beer.
Seriously?
That's it?
Yep.
What an ass.
I wouldn't drink
that if I were you.
Oh, the prodigal
puppy returns.
I thought you'd be on
your honeymoon by now.
I had somethin' I had
to take care of first.
Rip his head off, Bubba.
Chop him up, Bubba.
Give him hell, Bubba.
Is this seriously
some kind of challenge?
You had your fun, lawyer boy.
We don't take kindly to cityfolk
meddlin' with the way
of things around here.
We don't want no part
of your frachimization.
You can take your hell
, and shove it.
You tell him, Bubba.
Et tu, Bubba?
After all I've done for you?
What's your fight in this?
My town, my rules,
I fight for them.
Hey, you can't make an omelet
without breakin' a few eggs.
I fuckin' hate omelets.
Hey, hold on big guy, hold on.
If we're gonna do this,
let's do it like men.
Dueling pistols at 10 paces,
or how 'bout a sword fight?
Saws?
Slingshots?
Strippers?
Old school, new school and
fresh from reform school.
So, what's it gonna be?
Play
to your strengths, Bubba.
Remember?
I said that earlier.
Right.
I choose
quarters.
For all the souls
in Broken Taint,
if I win, you tear
up all the contracts
and you never step foot
in Cracker County again.
Hmm, fine.
And if I win,
I get to marry
Cletus.
I wonder where the devil'd
take you for your honeymoon?
Probably someplace nice.
Ow!
Even though my bridal showers
would probably kick ass,
I don't know if my
ass could take it.
I'm trustin' ya, Bubba
Beauregard Blanch.
I'm trustin' you
with my corn hole.
Deal.
May the best monster win.
House rules.
No mercy.
First one off this chair loses.
Now this is my daddy's
own garage-made moonshine,
guaranteed at 200 proof
with some gasoline
sterno and nitroglycerin
for that little extra
kick.
Ha.
I brought my own
patented hellshine,
666 proof, distilled directly
from the blood, tears
and yes, the ball
sweat of the damned.
Oh, man.
That's what you wanted that for?
I can make more
if you need it.
Begin!
Drink.
Shit.
Shit.
Did y'all eat anything
before he came in here today?
On the way over, Bubba
ate a liberal Democrat.
Oh, good.
Yes, drink asshole.
But I didn't get it in.
You was takin' too long.
Ow!
All right.
Time to break out
the good stuff.
Well, it's not called
spirits for nothin'.
You can do it, Bubba.
No pressure but, you're my
man and I'm countin' on you,
and if he wins, he's
gonna use Drunk Cletus
like a blow-up doll in a
prison full of sex perverts.
No pressure.
Don't worry, Bobbie Jo.
I got this.
Keep the liquor
flowin', big guy.
That stuff, oh god.
That stuff's pretty good.
You's ain't beatin' me.
Not even close.
You think you're all big
and bad and scary and shit,
but this here,
this is a drinkin' game.
Makes us equal.
Pals, even.
Big ole, buddy ole,
pal-y, pal, pal.
I'm startin' to like you.
That doesn't count.
I didn't fall out of my chair.
He pushed me.
That was a straight up
fist bump, 100% legal.
You're out of the chair,
you're out of the game.
Did I win?
Yes, you did, Wolfie.
Whew.
My corn hole is safe.
Yes, but at what cost?
Aw, shit.
You fucking imbeciles,
you can't beat me
on a technicality.
But you made Bubba a deal.
Then show me the
fucking contract.
For the love a,
I have seriously,
seriously had it
with all your rules
and regulations.
If I can't fight you like a man,
then I'll fight you like a wolf.
My turn.
Bubba, Bubba, Bubba.
Don't you remember, I made you,
and I can destroy
you just as easily.
Wait.
What?
My soul for his life.
Well, that's more like it.
Bobbie Jo, no.
You did it for me, Bubba.
Let me do it for you.
You can learn a
lot from this one.
There's a new way of
things in Cracker County,
and y'all best get in line.
Remember,
every deal has an escape clause.
Were you even fucking
listening before?
Wait.
The escape clause.
What was that?
The escape clause.
Every deal's got one.
Every deal.
And I should tell you because?
Aren't you
lawyer types always obligated
to explain all the loopholes
and shit whenever asked?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And no extra fees.
Yes, okay, what the fuck?
It makes very little
difference anyway,
'cause there's only one
way to get your contracts
and send me back to hell.
You've got to guess my name.
My real name.
Is your name John?
No.
Is it Mark?
No.
How 'bout Susan?
Susan?
Susan's a girl's name.
Mitch?
Who the hell would
name their kid Mitch?
Look, people, you're
never gonna get it,
so you might as
well give up trying.
I know.
It's Rumpelstiltskin.
Seriously?
I know you, man.
That's three
times in one week.
You're Bladdarick
Junior Adolfo Italicus
Joanna Rasputenstein
the Third, Junior.
What?
No.
No!
No one in a million
years has ever,
No, no!
I'll get you for this, Bubba.
I'll see you rot in hell.
Ahh!
Shit.
Way to drink, my hairy friend.
I knew you could do it, Bubba.
Here you go, losers.
Well, I'm off to go uh,
Play slots.
Yeah, that.
I have my family back.
We learned so much.
I am so fucking outta here.
Biker Bob.
How did you know the
devil's real name?
The master of the two-stroke
engine knows many things,
and that was one of 'em.
Free drinks for,
free Cornstock
Light for everyone.
I'm cured!
You sure were a sight
to see back there, Bubba.
I pretty much just got
drunk and knocked out.
Yeah, but you stood up to him.
You stood up for
yourself, for me,
for all of us.
And you sold your
soul to the devil
for me.
Makes you feel good, don't it?
Sure does.
Now could you, you
know, do it for me again?
Please?
Just one more time.
Bobbie Jo, I'm plenty tired.
Please?
Pretty please with
a cherry on top?
I'll do that thing that
made your leg shake again.
Ah, all right.
Another sensation.
Another darkness.
What is it this time, Mama?
Yes, no, wait.
No, yes, yes.
No, just gas this time.
Well I met a man
down in Cracker County
Who chased his dogs away
Who's had to go
fuckin' nuts on Friday
And Bubba is his name
Well they say he's
lazy and good for nothin'
And he'll prove
every word you say
But you mess with him,
his beer or his friends
There'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Yes, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Well all he owns
is his trailer
And his hat and a pickup truck
That day he turned into a wolf
Was a big change to his luck
He might not be much smarter
But you best
stay out of his way
So if you mess with him,
his beer or his friends
There'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Yes it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Well that's the tale of Bubba
A man unto his own
If you're feelin'
mighty froggy
Then I want to make it known
If you're thinkin'
'bout headin' down
Round about Bubba's way
Don't mess with him,
his beer or his friends
'Cause there'll be hell to pay
That is Bubba,
the redneck werewolf
Yes, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Hey, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf
Hey, it's Bubba,
redneck werewolf