Call Girl of Cthulhu (2014) Movie Script
1
There's a room filled with dinos and incense
Bathed in magisterial light
You hear it took a forgotten language
Turn what you will into night
There names into the old stuff
They bought what soft brigades
They need a little blood on the alter
They burn but don't have to spew
Bleed until they drip me clean
We need you both
We need you to worship all the shadows
Some type of episode
Some frightened evolution
We need you talked to but we don't understand
Some men with guns and you don't get it
It's all made in destitution
We need new cults
We need new cults
We need new
We need new
We need new cults
We need new cults
We need new
We need new
We need new cults
we need new cults
we need new cults
We need new
Glad you could join us.
I'm Detective LaGrassi.
I want you to tell me what happened at the church
of Starry Wisdom.
Why so you can laugh at me?
I've read your book.
Human sacrifices, alien gods,
hookers giving birth the mutant babies.
You see Mr. Wilcox, we have 43 dead bodies.
Well anyway I think it's 43.
It's kind of hard to tell when you can't piece
all the parts together.
I hope you like jigsaw puzzles.
And I got the centers for disease control on speed dial
because there's some new STD going around
that no one has ever seen before.
I hope you don't sleep around Mr. Wilcox.
Look I tried telling the police.
Try me.
Start at the beginning.
Alright.
I was in a bad place.
I was starting to think that there was nothing special
in the world.
Hey there loser, it's me, the girl you'll never get,
Missy Katonixx, and this video is for all you
desperate virgins out there.
I'm gonna teach you how to fuck
because let's face it, you can't spend the rest of your life
beating off in your parent's basement.
Oh fuck me harder.
Carter, this is George Angel from the Arcon Post
I need that cover art tonight.
We go to press in six hours Carter.
Get your shit together.
Carter, do you have any condoms?
No.
Well, could you go pick some up?
I'll take it off your rent.
Sure.
I have to go to the art store anyway so.
Baby, you know, we don't have to use condoms all the time.
Safe sex or no sex.
Hey man, you got somebody special in your life?
damn she's got killer tits.
I'd love to play those cow drums.
Pick up some magnums.
They don't call me the dick for nothing.
Hurry up, don't stop and smell the roses.
Get a room.
Come in.
Mr. Suydum?
Please call me Sebastian.
I'm not sure what you're into, but I brought some things.
Oh.
I've got some things too.
See anything you like?
Those won't be necessary.
Take your clothes off.
Quickly.
Easy there Mr.
Spanking costs extra.
Is something wrong?
we didn't discuss a group rate.
Well that went down easy.
Let's roll.
Alright you two, knock it off.
Is everybody ready?
Copy that.
Squid?
Squid?
Come again?
I'm sorry I'm so, small.
I wish I was,
well you know, bigger for you.
It's a good size Walter
You know Riley I left my wife for you?
Will you kiss me on the mouth?
Walter, you're my Prince Charming.
If I kiss you, you might turn into a frog.
You're so special.
Walter nothing is special.
You mean the world to me Riley.
If there's anything you ever need,
my door is always open.
The most important book in the history of mankind
and he leaves it in a hotel room.
They didn't go far Professor.
Better move your ass.
Hey there fellas, you've reached
Tempest Mountain Escorts.
Looks like we're too busy getting busy
to take your call.
Leave a message and we'll return it with a massage.
Ashton, you trifling asshole,
if you forget me one more time, you can kiss me goodbye.
Don't you two ever come up for air?
Oh I'm sorry Professor, we didn't hear you.
Well this is serious business, you two better
start using your heads.
I got it.
I got it.
You're late dickhead.
Where the hell were you?
Stay sweet my peach.
Don't make me take you off the menu.
Back again loser?
How old are you?
And you're still a virgin?
You are pathetic.
Mr. Wilcox, I am not interested in your love life
or lack there of.
Would you just listen to me?
There was something about this girl.
She was different.
I just had to see her again
but I wasn't the only one looking for her.
Are you Carter?
Yeah.
Come in.
Nice place you got here.
Can I get you something?
I'm fine,
sit down.
You're making me nervous.
So, first thing's first.
I get the money up front.
Right.
Sorry.
Alright hunni, let's cut to the chase.
What are you looking for?
I don't bite
unless you're into that stuff.
Actually I was wondering if maybe we could,
if I could paint you.
This is a bachelor party?
Relax pumpkin, it's cool.
You better pay us double for this.
If you peel my banana tonight, we'll call it a deal.
It smells like the hippo house at the zoo.
Well the money is right so brush it off.
You made these?
Yeah, it's um,
the only thing I'm good at.
You're lucky.
I'm pretty sure sex is my calling.
I don't think that's true.
Do me a favor?
Ignore my birthmark.
It's gross.
I like it.
I mean, I like who you are.
You don't know anything about me.
Sorry that's my roommate.
She makes music.
I call it noise.
Can you have her turn it off?
Hey Erica?
My model asked if you could stop playing.
Model?
Hi.
If you break his heart, I'll break your face.
Carter, you dog!
Erica please leave.
No but this is adorable.
I give you 10 seconds before you pop.
Good evening Mr. Abon.
I'm excited to meet your girls.
Let me show you what's on the menu tonight.
We got Cherry Pie, Honey Melons,
and my personal favorite, Jerusalem Artichoke.
I'm looking for something special.
My man I got you.
The special position for the night is the loopdy loop.
Y'all know what the loopdy loop is don't you?
Ladies, would you mind taking off your skirts?
I'd like to take a look at your asses.
Come on girls, show him some skin.
Well, this is disappointing.
Excuse me?
I suppose we could let the children fuck them.
What, Ashton?
My man, nobody said nothing about fucking children.
you best back up, back the fuck up!
I'm looking for a specific girl Mr. Abon.
a girl with a birthmark.
The mark of Cthulhu.
It's above her right buttock.
Wait above her ass?
I know a girl like that.
She's my MVP.
The apple of my eye.
Are you lying Mr. Abon?
I only lie to my mom man.
She thinks I sell insurance.
How do we get a hold of this girl.
I aint telling you shit until you let me
and my peaches out of here.
If you don't tell me how to find this girl,
there will be blood.
Cute girl, what's her name?
Riley.
Have you fucked her yet?
No, Erica sex actually means something to me.
If I fall in love with her, then sure.
Carter, love isn't real.
You'd have a better chance getting a hand job
from the Easter Bunny.
We're all just molecules.
What if someone told you that they loved you?
I would tell them to drop dead.
Well, tomorrow night,
her and I have a date and she told me she's not even
gonna charge me for it.
Ohh, wow, what a sweetheart.
Hello?
Is this Carter Wilcox?
Is this a debt collector?
Not exactly.
I got your name from George over at the Arcon Post.
I wanna hire you for an illustration job.
Could we meet later for drinks?
I want to see you in the flesh.
Going back back back in time
Stripping through the ages
The future will be mine
Surviving all the ages
Took a time machine from the stone age.
Hey do you guys think that maybe we could go
somewhere else.
No, we're looking for someone.
Who are you looking for?
I'll keep an eye out.
Tell me Carter, do you believe in fate?
Destiny?
I'd like to.
The end of the world is coming.
We believe you can save it.
Save it from what?
The less you know, the better.
Look what do you guys want me to draw?
I want you to copy something fast.
We've already rewritten the text.
We just need the illustrations and I need it
before the eclipse next week.
Wait, you want me to copy an entire book in a week?
No, by tomorrow night.
The stars will be right soon.
It's the only way to stop it.
Stop what?
Cthulhu.
Who the hell is Cthulhu?
There are some things man was never meant to understand.
Yeah, I call them women.
You want answers?
Take the job, read the book.
Look I don't even think I can do this.
It's almost impossible.
I am talking about the survival of the human race,
you whiny little shit.
Almost impossible is our best case scenario.
So I took the job.
Even though your clients were two weirdos
convinced the world was about to be eaten
by a giant octopus?
So how'd you finish the copying so quickly?
I worked nonstop overnight, into the next day.
I guess Riley became my muse.
My obsession fueled my work.
I've had crushes before but this girl,
I was just drawn to her.
It's been a long time since I was on a real date.
How are you folks tonight?
Can I get your drink orders?
I'll have a screaming orgasm.
And you sir?
I'm good with just the water.
He's a client.
Wait, you had sex with that guy?
I guess you could call it that?
If you don't mind me asking,
what's it like?
Sex with Walter?
No I mean,
being an escort?
You really wanna hear about that?
Yeah.
They pay me to make them feel special,
which is pretty hard because they're not and I have
no feelings for them whatsoever.
Sometimes, when their kinks come out,
it can get pretty funny.
You know the way to a man's heart, through his stomach.
Call me delicious.
It's all about their fantasy, pretending to be something
they can't get it real life.
Oh Dr. West, I'm really sick.
Will you take my temperature?
You think you're fucked up?
Rest assured, there's always someone out there way weirder.
Oh twinkle toes, you've been running through my mind
all day.
It's disgusting.
I want you to shit on me.
But it's what I do.
I don't get it.
You could have anybody you want.
Maybe I don't want anybody.
You get involved with someone, you start to feel trapped,
constricted, held against your will.
Good evening ladies.
Don't be shy.
They like you.
You're adorable.
You guys have a great night.
You are about to go through an incredible change in bed.
You know about that, you're supposed to add "in bed"
at the end of every fortune.
That doesn't work with me.
I usually get something stupid like,
"you're a nice person."
In bed.
I showed you mine, now you show me yours.
The road to knowledge begins with the turn of the page.
In bed.
Must be about, the kama sutra.
Here, pick another one.
You are about to get lucky.
Would you like to go back to my place?
Sounds like music to my ears.
Open your eyes Mr. Abon.
Where is Riley?
My man, I got her number right here.
If you get me out of here and it's all yours.
Hello?
Hey!
I'm talking to you!
Girls?
They're my girls now.
And I've kept them real horny.
They just want some love and guess who's on the menu tonight
Peaches, Peaches no.
Do you still want them to peel your banana?
Come on Ashton, show him some skin.
I'm gonna get you neutered.
You'll be a fucking eunuch.
Come down, it's not that serious.
You almost gave me an STD.
I was gonna tell you.
It's just a few little bumps.
It can be our love bug.
Hey.
Rick the Dick Pickman.
You two know each other?
Ladies, I'd like to introduce you to a good friend of mine
We work together.
Oh at the club, of course.
Listen to me, we can't have sex anymore.
Do you understand me?
Baby, I got a gift I have to share with the world.
Yeah more like a one-eyed monster.
Baby please.
I love you.
Drop dead.
It's all about closing the door.
Why don't we just destroy the book?
No book, no incantations, no doorway, no Cthulhu.
Have you ever tried to destroy the book?
It's impossible, forget the book.
We need to find the girl before they do.
Maybe they won't find the girl.
We can't save the world with a maybe.
Carter finishes the book, we place it.
The cult won't know the difference and they can't
open the portal to the dream lands.
That's plan B.
What's plan A?
Find the whore and stop her before she fucks us
into Armageddon.
I've been saving myself for someone like you.
You know, I think we should wait.
Are you sure?
I mean why?
You are very sweet, Carter.
I just,
Shit, I gotta go.
Wait what's wrong?
I need to pick up a shift at the Shining Trapeze.
You're a stripper too?
Surprise.
call me tomorrow.
Bravo Carter.
Carter, we don't have much time.
How's your progress?
Who the fuck is that?
Oh actually that's my girlfriend.
Does she sell her flesh?
Is she a prostitute?
No she's a call girl.
Where is she?
You better start talking Jack.
She's working at the Shining Trapeze.
It's a strip clup.
Look it, you might not see us tonight or ever again.
Memorize it.
What are you talking about?
What is this?
When the time comes, recite this incantation
and close the gate.
Scumbags and gentlemen, boys and cretins,
put your greasy mits together for my favorite man eater,
Riley!
There is a new way
To become new flesh
There's a place
I won't surrender
There's a place
Where time
Nobody move, she's mine.
Don't be stupid Edna.
You can't stand in the way of the stars.
You're wrong Jack.
What do you want?
The end of mankind.
The cosmos has summoned you Riley
and you must answer the call.
Hey this is Riley.
Sorry I'm tied up at the moment.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hugs and kisses.
Riley, listen this is gonna sound a bit ridiculous but
if you could just give me a call when you get the chance,
I would really appreciate it.
Just, when you get a chance call me okay?
Edna, what happened?
You were my favorite pupil.
One of those is a fake, which?
Even if I could remember I wouldn't tell you.
Wilbur.
Try to remember!
I think it's on the tip of your tongue.
draw the doorway.
This is a very special moment.
Don't ruin it.
You've already said a mouthful.
Take a gander Edna.
Look, look Cthulhu.
Accept your insignificance.
Hello.
Baby, you gotta help me.
It's bad baby, it's really bad.
Why are you calling me Rick?
We are done.
This bitch in the club.
She gave me some sort of disease.
Please.
I'm scared.
Go see a doctor or you could try keeping it in your pants
for once, Dick.
Baby?
Oh shit.
Hello?
Riley, It's Carter, are you okay?
Yeah.
What's up?
Nothing, I was just worried about you.
Where are you?
Carter, I just woke up from a really bad nightmare.
Can I call you back later?
Yeah sure just do you wanna go out and get coffee
or something?
hello?
She's changing.
It'll take a few more days.
We have to let our butterfly spread her wings.
Otherwise,
she'll never learn how to fly.
There's my girl.
You alright?
I'm sick Walter.
Yeah I heard the flu's been going around.
No, Walter like really sick.
I think I have a disease.
I don't think you should touch me.
oh don't be silly.
I'd touch you even if you had the bubonic plague.
I love you.
You know what I like about you Walter?
You love me for who I am on the inside.
It's been a while Cinderella.
Prince Charming has brought you some very special slippers.
Show me those piggly wigglies come on.
What what what?
Oh darling I could just eat you up.
Dido.
Make it rain baby, make it rain.
Open wide.
Thank you.
Is that sarcasm?
No, I'm being sincere.
I was having a horrible nightmare.
Well I'm glad somebody appreciates it.
Rick hates it.
I like it.
It's weird.
So what was your nightmare about?
Riley.
Uh oh Don Juan.
Are you getting butterflies?
I'm just so nervous about everything.
What's there to be nervous about?
I don't know.
She's very experienced.
Yeah she's hooker, isn't she?
She's a call girl.
But I really like her a lot.
Well I just hope for your sake, she doesn't have any STDs.
It doesn't matter what she does for money.
There's something special about her.
I see the way other guys look at her.
She makes heads turn.
I want her so bad it hurts.
This is gonna get real messy.
I just hope you use protection.
Riley, it's Carter.
Carter, this has to stop.
We can't keep seeing each other.
Riley please.
Carter, there is nothing special about me.
You're wrong.
Stop.
We're not right for each other.
Why?
Are you sure?
Are you positive?
Yes, I'm positive.
hey, this is Riley.
Sorry I'm tied up at the moment.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hugs and kisses.
Riley, it's Walter.
I don't know what's happening to me
but I just want you to know that I love you
and you don't have to worry about me being too small anymore
Are you sure about that?
What the fuck did you do to me?
Please, allow me to explain.
You've been chosen Riley.
Those changes that are happening to your body.
It's a metamorphosis, an evolution.
Consider your former self, a caterpillar.
Now, you're changing into a beautiful butterfly.
I don't feel like a butterfly.
But darling, this is merely a cocoon.
Cthulhu has chosen you
to bear his child.
Come with us.
I'll explain everything.
It's a new chapter in your destiny.
Fuck.
Hey Erica.
Have you heard from Rick?
No.
Have you heard from Riley?
No.
I wanted to give you something.
Here.
What's this?
It's my music.
Does it have a name?
No name.
Can't be categorized, can't be named.
I wrote a song for you.
It's on there but you have to figure out which one it is.
Actually I umm, have something for you too.
Really?
I painted this for you.
Thought you could maybe use it as your next album cover.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
Hey um, I was gonna go make some dinner if you're hungry.
I'm starving.
I thought she was the one.
I really did.
Relax, it's not the end of the world.
who are you calling?
Carter!
Come here son.
Hello?
I don't have all day, chop chop.
Walter right?
Look, I have to get going, I have something.
I know you love Riley.
I loved her too and it was the biggest mistake
of my fucking life.
I left my wife for her.
I gave up my house.
I can't see my kids.
For what?
Pussy?
You don't want Riley, trust me.
Look me in the eye.
Promise me you'll forget about her.
You got it, I'll forget her.
I thought she was a goddess.
Hey there bud, something got you down?
Carter
Every man suffers from erectile disfunction
at some point, but nine out of 10 experts stand firm
that the best cure on the market is.
Rick, what the fuck is that?
It's a good friend of mine.
They don't call me the dick for nothing.
baby I love you, it could be our love bug.
Side effects include nausea
and impaired vision and diarrhea.
If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours,
please consult a doctor.
Carter, I need your help.
What the fuck?
The lunar eclipse is tonight.
This is our last chance Jack.
Which one's the real deal?
Carter?
Erica, what happened?
We can catch up to speed later.
The stars are right, we gotta hightail it outta here
before they show up looking for the book.
Who?
Double trouble.
How kind of you to look after my book.
They took the fucking book.
Where's Erica?
They took her too.
What the fuck is going on?
Who were those people?
Enough questions Jack.
We're going on a field trip.
And there was no point at which you thought
about calling the police?
I wanted to call the police,
but Squid was convinced they were in on it.
She was sure that everybody was a part of this cult
and we were the only ones who could stop it.
Besides, they had Erica and it was all my fault.
So you get to the church.
What are you kidding me?
I think our friends have come back.
Release the whores.
Professor Curwen?
Professor Curwen, it's Carter.
What did they do to you?
Brothers and sisters, the time has come.
The stars have aligned.
And our queen has been crowned.
Yes my friends!
Soon, Cthulhu will awaken and the great old ones will follow
rising from their deep slumber.
It's about time.
Holy shit you're okay.
You need to work on your definition of okay.
Where are we?
In a cage, In a cage made for fucking dogs.
They're going to kill us.
I'm going to die a virgin.
This is our moment!
You carry that around with you?
I've been saving it for someone special.
Ladies.
Are you ready?
Yes, Carter.
Y'all are some freaks.
Put your clothes on love birds.
We've got a world to save.
Did you find the book?
No, I was too busy killing monsters.
Listen up, I got a plan.
Actually I have a plan too.
Well partner, I'm glad we're on the same page.
How do we stop it?
We have to close that portal?
I'm going for the book.
You have to kill the baby.
Kill the baby?
Listen, I can't.
Game over, Jack.
It's too late my friend.
Come on, come on, come on.
Fuck!
Carter, do you love me?
I'm sure you're still pretty on the inside.
I'm glad you like the CD.
Yeah, it's dynamite.
I love you.
Drop dead.
Well I've heard enough of your tales for one night.
I want to thank you for wasting my evening.
You're entire testimony is pretty much worthless.
I'm telling the truth.
Oh you are cruising for the gas chamber pal.
Oh fuck you lady!
I'm not crazy.
Sweet dreams Mr. Wilcox.
Oh no!
sometimes, I wish the world would just hurry up
and end already.
I want to reek of blood
I want to know the things you learned
Between the covers
I don't wanna read the story between the lines
I don't wanna hear about the look of love in your eyes
We had things all wrong
From the very start girl
It didn't take that long for us to turn out tears
Instead of whispers
We waited so long for it to fall apart now
Now that it did look what's happening to my happiness
Threw it all away
Still you got the nerve to say one day one day
How long is it anyway
Still I hope you're having fun babe fun babe
Somewhere maybe down the line
I can hear you say
He never cared about my happiness anyway
Here we are in what use to be the future
I can see it now
You never sought to resolve my loneliness anyhow
Lonely girl
Lonely boy
Ahhhh
Had about all you can take
Went away from america
Always waiting for a new heartbreak
Always saying that it should be good to see you
A second time around
Any year at all
I want to read the book of love
I want to know the things you've learned
between the covers
I don't wanna read the story between the lines
I don't wanna hear about the look of love in your eyes
Threw it all away
And still you had the nerve to say one day one day
Thought I lost you anyway
Still I hope you have a fun day fun day
Somewhere maybe down the line
I can hear you say
He never cared about my happiness anyway
Here we are in what used to be the future
I can see it now
You never sought to resolve my loneliness anyhow
Lonely girl
Lonely boy
Ahhhhh
There is a new way
To a new place
Now walking away
But right to the face of the enemy
There's a place
That's worth distress
Rain is falling
And realize the domain is done
There's a place
I won't surrender
There's a place
Where time is mine
There's a road the window
On the western side
There is a place
Where it will catch me
There's a place
I won't surrender
There is a place
Where time is mine
There
There is a place
There's a room filled with dinos and incense
Bathed in magisterial light
You hear it took a forgotten language
Turn what you will into night
There names into the old stuff
They bought what soft brigades
They need a little blood on the alter
They burn but don't have to spew
Bleed until they drip me clean
We need you both
We need you to worship all the shadows
Some type of episode
Some frightened evolution
We need you talked to but we don't understand
Some men with guns and you don't get it
It's all made in destitution
We need new cults
We need new cults
We need new
We need new
We need new cults
We need new cults
We need new
We need new
We need new cults
we need new cults
we need new cults
We need new
Glad you could join us.
I'm Detective LaGrassi.
I want you to tell me what happened at the church
of Starry Wisdom.
Why so you can laugh at me?
I've read your book.
Human sacrifices, alien gods,
hookers giving birth the mutant babies.
You see Mr. Wilcox, we have 43 dead bodies.
Well anyway I think it's 43.
It's kind of hard to tell when you can't piece
all the parts together.
I hope you like jigsaw puzzles.
And I got the centers for disease control on speed dial
because there's some new STD going around
that no one has ever seen before.
I hope you don't sleep around Mr. Wilcox.
Look I tried telling the police.
Try me.
Start at the beginning.
Alright.
I was in a bad place.
I was starting to think that there was nothing special
in the world.
Hey there loser, it's me, the girl you'll never get,
Missy Katonixx, and this video is for all you
desperate virgins out there.
I'm gonna teach you how to fuck
because let's face it, you can't spend the rest of your life
beating off in your parent's basement.
Oh fuck me harder.
Carter, this is George Angel from the Arcon Post
I need that cover art tonight.
We go to press in six hours Carter.
Get your shit together.
Carter, do you have any condoms?
No.
Well, could you go pick some up?
I'll take it off your rent.
Sure.
I have to go to the art store anyway so.
Baby, you know, we don't have to use condoms all the time.
Safe sex or no sex.
Hey man, you got somebody special in your life?
damn she's got killer tits.
I'd love to play those cow drums.
Pick up some magnums.
They don't call me the dick for nothing.
Hurry up, don't stop and smell the roses.
Get a room.
Come in.
Mr. Suydum?
Please call me Sebastian.
I'm not sure what you're into, but I brought some things.
Oh.
I've got some things too.
See anything you like?
Those won't be necessary.
Take your clothes off.
Quickly.
Easy there Mr.
Spanking costs extra.
Is something wrong?
we didn't discuss a group rate.
Well that went down easy.
Let's roll.
Alright you two, knock it off.
Is everybody ready?
Copy that.
Squid?
Squid?
Come again?
I'm sorry I'm so, small.
I wish I was,
well you know, bigger for you.
It's a good size Walter
You know Riley I left my wife for you?
Will you kiss me on the mouth?
Walter, you're my Prince Charming.
If I kiss you, you might turn into a frog.
You're so special.
Walter nothing is special.
You mean the world to me Riley.
If there's anything you ever need,
my door is always open.
The most important book in the history of mankind
and he leaves it in a hotel room.
They didn't go far Professor.
Better move your ass.
Hey there fellas, you've reached
Tempest Mountain Escorts.
Looks like we're too busy getting busy
to take your call.
Leave a message and we'll return it with a massage.
Ashton, you trifling asshole,
if you forget me one more time, you can kiss me goodbye.
Don't you two ever come up for air?
Oh I'm sorry Professor, we didn't hear you.
Well this is serious business, you two better
start using your heads.
I got it.
I got it.
You're late dickhead.
Where the hell were you?
Stay sweet my peach.
Don't make me take you off the menu.
Back again loser?
How old are you?
And you're still a virgin?
You are pathetic.
Mr. Wilcox, I am not interested in your love life
or lack there of.
Would you just listen to me?
There was something about this girl.
She was different.
I just had to see her again
but I wasn't the only one looking for her.
Are you Carter?
Yeah.
Come in.
Nice place you got here.
Can I get you something?
I'm fine,
sit down.
You're making me nervous.
So, first thing's first.
I get the money up front.
Right.
Sorry.
Alright hunni, let's cut to the chase.
What are you looking for?
I don't bite
unless you're into that stuff.
Actually I was wondering if maybe we could,
if I could paint you.
This is a bachelor party?
Relax pumpkin, it's cool.
You better pay us double for this.
If you peel my banana tonight, we'll call it a deal.
It smells like the hippo house at the zoo.
Well the money is right so brush it off.
You made these?
Yeah, it's um,
the only thing I'm good at.
You're lucky.
I'm pretty sure sex is my calling.
I don't think that's true.
Do me a favor?
Ignore my birthmark.
It's gross.
I like it.
I mean, I like who you are.
You don't know anything about me.
Sorry that's my roommate.
She makes music.
I call it noise.
Can you have her turn it off?
Hey Erica?
My model asked if you could stop playing.
Model?
Hi.
If you break his heart, I'll break your face.
Carter, you dog!
Erica please leave.
No but this is adorable.
I give you 10 seconds before you pop.
Good evening Mr. Abon.
I'm excited to meet your girls.
Let me show you what's on the menu tonight.
We got Cherry Pie, Honey Melons,
and my personal favorite, Jerusalem Artichoke.
I'm looking for something special.
My man I got you.
The special position for the night is the loopdy loop.
Y'all know what the loopdy loop is don't you?
Ladies, would you mind taking off your skirts?
I'd like to take a look at your asses.
Come on girls, show him some skin.
Well, this is disappointing.
Excuse me?
I suppose we could let the children fuck them.
What, Ashton?
My man, nobody said nothing about fucking children.
you best back up, back the fuck up!
I'm looking for a specific girl Mr. Abon.
a girl with a birthmark.
The mark of Cthulhu.
It's above her right buttock.
Wait above her ass?
I know a girl like that.
She's my MVP.
The apple of my eye.
Are you lying Mr. Abon?
I only lie to my mom man.
She thinks I sell insurance.
How do we get a hold of this girl.
I aint telling you shit until you let me
and my peaches out of here.
If you don't tell me how to find this girl,
there will be blood.
Cute girl, what's her name?
Riley.
Have you fucked her yet?
No, Erica sex actually means something to me.
If I fall in love with her, then sure.
Carter, love isn't real.
You'd have a better chance getting a hand job
from the Easter Bunny.
We're all just molecules.
What if someone told you that they loved you?
I would tell them to drop dead.
Well, tomorrow night,
her and I have a date and she told me she's not even
gonna charge me for it.
Ohh, wow, what a sweetheart.
Hello?
Is this Carter Wilcox?
Is this a debt collector?
Not exactly.
I got your name from George over at the Arcon Post.
I wanna hire you for an illustration job.
Could we meet later for drinks?
I want to see you in the flesh.
Going back back back in time
Stripping through the ages
The future will be mine
Surviving all the ages
Took a time machine from the stone age.
Hey do you guys think that maybe we could go
somewhere else.
No, we're looking for someone.
Who are you looking for?
I'll keep an eye out.
Tell me Carter, do you believe in fate?
Destiny?
I'd like to.
The end of the world is coming.
We believe you can save it.
Save it from what?
The less you know, the better.
Look what do you guys want me to draw?
I want you to copy something fast.
We've already rewritten the text.
We just need the illustrations and I need it
before the eclipse next week.
Wait, you want me to copy an entire book in a week?
No, by tomorrow night.
The stars will be right soon.
It's the only way to stop it.
Stop what?
Cthulhu.
Who the hell is Cthulhu?
There are some things man was never meant to understand.
Yeah, I call them women.
You want answers?
Take the job, read the book.
Look I don't even think I can do this.
It's almost impossible.
I am talking about the survival of the human race,
you whiny little shit.
Almost impossible is our best case scenario.
So I took the job.
Even though your clients were two weirdos
convinced the world was about to be eaten
by a giant octopus?
So how'd you finish the copying so quickly?
I worked nonstop overnight, into the next day.
I guess Riley became my muse.
My obsession fueled my work.
I've had crushes before but this girl,
I was just drawn to her.
It's been a long time since I was on a real date.
How are you folks tonight?
Can I get your drink orders?
I'll have a screaming orgasm.
And you sir?
I'm good with just the water.
He's a client.
Wait, you had sex with that guy?
I guess you could call it that?
If you don't mind me asking,
what's it like?
Sex with Walter?
No I mean,
being an escort?
You really wanna hear about that?
Yeah.
They pay me to make them feel special,
which is pretty hard because they're not and I have
no feelings for them whatsoever.
Sometimes, when their kinks come out,
it can get pretty funny.
You know the way to a man's heart, through his stomach.
Call me delicious.
It's all about their fantasy, pretending to be something
they can't get it real life.
Oh Dr. West, I'm really sick.
Will you take my temperature?
You think you're fucked up?
Rest assured, there's always someone out there way weirder.
Oh twinkle toes, you've been running through my mind
all day.
It's disgusting.
I want you to shit on me.
But it's what I do.
I don't get it.
You could have anybody you want.
Maybe I don't want anybody.
You get involved with someone, you start to feel trapped,
constricted, held against your will.
Good evening ladies.
Don't be shy.
They like you.
You're adorable.
You guys have a great night.
You are about to go through an incredible change in bed.
You know about that, you're supposed to add "in bed"
at the end of every fortune.
That doesn't work with me.
I usually get something stupid like,
"you're a nice person."
In bed.
I showed you mine, now you show me yours.
The road to knowledge begins with the turn of the page.
In bed.
Must be about, the kama sutra.
Here, pick another one.
You are about to get lucky.
Would you like to go back to my place?
Sounds like music to my ears.
Open your eyes Mr. Abon.
Where is Riley?
My man, I got her number right here.
If you get me out of here and it's all yours.
Hello?
Hey!
I'm talking to you!
Girls?
They're my girls now.
And I've kept them real horny.
They just want some love and guess who's on the menu tonight
Peaches, Peaches no.
Do you still want them to peel your banana?
Come on Ashton, show him some skin.
I'm gonna get you neutered.
You'll be a fucking eunuch.
Come down, it's not that serious.
You almost gave me an STD.
I was gonna tell you.
It's just a few little bumps.
It can be our love bug.
Hey.
Rick the Dick Pickman.
You two know each other?
Ladies, I'd like to introduce you to a good friend of mine
We work together.
Oh at the club, of course.
Listen to me, we can't have sex anymore.
Do you understand me?
Baby, I got a gift I have to share with the world.
Yeah more like a one-eyed monster.
Baby please.
I love you.
Drop dead.
It's all about closing the door.
Why don't we just destroy the book?
No book, no incantations, no doorway, no Cthulhu.
Have you ever tried to destroy the book?
It's impossible, forget the book.
We need to find the girl before they do.
Maybe they won't find the girl.
We can't save the world with a maybe.
Carter finishes the book, we place it.
The cult won't know the difference and they can't
open the portal to the dream lands.
That's plan B.
What's plan A?
Find the whore and stop her before she fucks us
into Armageddon.
I've been saving myself for someone like you.
You know, I think we should wait.
Are you sure?
I mean why?
You are very sweet, Carter.
I just,
Shit, I gotta go.
Wait what's wrong?
I need to pick up a shift at the Shining Trapeze.
You're a stripper too?
Surprise.
call me tomorrow.
Bravo Carter.
Carter, we don't have much time.
How's your progress?
Who the fuck is that?
Oh actually that's my girlfriend.
Does she sell her flesh?
Is she a prostitute?
No she's a call girl.
Where is she?
You better start talking Jack.
She's working at the Shining Trapeze.
It's a strip clup.
Look it, you might not see us tonight or ever again.
Memorize it.
What are you talking about?
What is this?
When the time comes, recite this incantation
and close the gate.
Scumbags and gentlemen, boys and cretins,
put your greasy mits together for my favorite man eater,
Riley!
There is a new way
To become new flesh
There's a place
I won't surrender
There's a place
Where time
Nobody move, she's mine.
Don't be stupid Edna.
You can't stand in the way of the stars.
You're wrong Jack.
What do you want?
The end of mankind.
The cosmos has summoned you Riley
and you must answer the call.
Hey this is Riley.
Sorry I'm tied up at the moment.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hugs and kisses.
Riley, listen this is gonna sound a bit ridiculous but
if you could just give me a call when you get the chance,
I would really appreciate it.
Just, when you get a chance call me okay?
Edna, what happened?
You were my favorite pupil.
One of those is a fake, which?
Even if I could remember I wouldn't tell you.
Wilbur.
Try to remember!
I think it's on the tip of your tongue.
draw the doorway.
This is a very special moment.
Don't ruin it.
You've already said a mouthful.
Take a gander Edna.
Look, look Cthulhu.
Accept your insignificance.
Hello.
Baby, you gotta help me.
It's bad baby, it's really bad.
Why are you calling me Rick?
We are done.
This bitch in the club.
She gave me some sort of disease.
Please.
I'm scared.
Go see a doctor or you could try keeping it in your pants
for once, Dick.
Baby?
Oh shit.
Hello?
Riley, It's Carter, are you okay?
Yeah.
What's up?
Nothing, I was just worried about you.
Where are you?
Carter, I just woke up from a really bad nightmare.
Can I call you back later?
Yeah sure just do you wanna go out and get coffee
or something?
hello?
She's changing.
It'll take a few more days.
We have to let our butterfly spread her wings.
Otherwise,
she'll never learn how to fly.
There's my girl.
You alright?
I'm sick Walter.
Yeah I heard the flu's been going around.
No, Walter like really sick.
I think I have a disease.
I don't think you should touch me.
oh don't be silly.
I'd touch you even if you had the bubonic plague.
I love you.
You know what I like about you Walter?
You love me for who I am on the inside.
It's been a while Cinderella.
Prince Charming has brought you some very special slippers.
Show me those piggly wigglies come on.
What what what?
Oh darling I could just eat you up.
Dido.
Make it rain baby, make it rain.
Open wide.
Thank you.
Is that sarcasm?
No, I'm being sincere.
I was having a horrible nightmare.
Well I'm glad somebody appreciates it.
Rick hates it.
I like it.
It's weird.
So what was your nightmare about?
Riley.
Uh oh Don Juan.
Are you getting butterflies?
I'm just so nervous about everything.
What's there to be nervous about?
I don't know.
She's very experienced.
Yeah she's hooker, isn't she?
She's a call girl.
But I really like her a lot.
Well I just hope for your sake, she doesn't have any STDs.
It doesn't matter what she does for money.
There's something special about her.
I see the way other guys look at her.
She makes heads turn.
I want her so bad it hurts.
This is gonna get real messy.
I just hope you use protection.
Riley, it's Carter.
Carter, this has to stop.
We can't keep seeing each other.
Riley please.
Carter, there is nothing special about me.
You're wrong.
Stop.
We're not right for each other.
Why?
Are you sure?
Are you positive?
Yes, I'm positive.
hey, this is Riley.
Sorry I'm tied up at the moment.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hugs and kisses.
Riley, it's Walter.
I don't know what's happening to me
but I just want you to know that I love you
and you don't have to worry about me being too small anymore
Are you sure about that?
What the fuck did you do to me?
Please, allow me to explain.
You've been chosen Riley.
Those changes that are happening to your body.
It's a metamorphosis, an evolution.
Consider your former self, a caterpillar.
Now, you're changing into a beautiful butterfly.
I don't feel like a butterfly.
But darling, this is merely a cocoon.
Cthulhu has chosen you
to bear his child.
Come with us.
I'll explain everything.
It's a new chapter in your destiny.
Fuck.
Hey Erica.
Have you heard from Rick?
No.
Have you heard from Riley?
No.
I wanted to give you something.
Here.
What's this?
It's my music.
Does it have a name?
No name.
Can't be categorized, can't be named.
I wrote a song for you.
It's on there but you have to figure out which one it is.
Actually I umm, have something for you too.
Really?
I painted this for you.
Thought you could maybe use it as your next album cover.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
Hey um, I was gonna go make some dinner if you're hungry.
I'm starving.
I thought she was the one.
I really did.
Relax, it's not the end of the world.
who are you calling?
Carter!
Come here son.
Hello?
I don't have all day, chop chop.
Walter right?
Look, I have to get going, I have something.
I know you love Riley.
I loved her too and it was the biggest mistake
of my fucking life.
I left my wife for her.
I gave up my house.
I can't see my kids.
For what?
Pussy?
You don't want Riley, trust me.
Look me in the eye.
Promise me you'll forget about her.
You got it, I'll forget her.
I thought she was a goddess.
Hey there bud, something got you down?
Carter
Every man suffers from erectile disfunction
at some point, but nine out of 10 experts stand firm
that the best cure on the market is.
Rick, what the fuck is that?
It's a good friend of mine.
They don't call me the dick for nothing.
baby I love you, it could be our love bug.
Side effects include nausea
and impaired vision and diarrhea.
If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours,
please consult a doctor.
Carter, I need your help.
What the fuck?
The lunar eclipse is tonight.
This is our last chance Jack.
Which one's the real deal?
Carter?
Erica, what happened?
We can catch up to speed later.
The stars are right, we gotta hightail it outta here
before they show up looking for the book.
Who?
Double trouble.
How kind of you to look after my book.
They took the fucking book.
Where's Erica?
They took her too.
What the fuck is going on?
Who were those people?
Enough questions Jack.
We're going on a field trip.
And there was no point at which you thought
about calling the police?
I wanted to call the police,
but Squid was convinced they were in on it.
She was sure that everybody was a part of this cult
and we were the only ones who could stop it.
Besides, they had Erica and it was all my fault.
So you get to the church.
What are you kidding me?
I think our friends have come back.
Release the whores.
Professor Curwen?
Professor Curwen, it's Carter.
What did they do to you?
Brothers and sisters, the time has come.
The stars have aligned.
And our queen has been crowned.
Yes my friends!
Soon, Cthulhu will awaken and the great old ones will follow
rising from their deep slumber.
It's about time.
Holy shit you're okay.
You need to work on your definition of okay.
Where are we?
In a cage, In a cage made for fucking dogs.
They're going to kill us.
I'm going to die a virgin.
This is our moment!
You carry that around with you?
I've been saving it for someone special.
Ladies.
Are you ready?
Yes, Carter.
Y'all are some freaks.
Put your clothes on love birds.
We've got a world to save.
Did you find the book?
No, I was too busy killing monsters.
Listen up, I got a plan.
Actually I have a plan too.
Well partner, I'm glad we're on the same page.
How do we stop it?
We have to close that portal?
I'm going for the book.
You have to kill the baby.
Kill the baby?
Listen, I can't.
Game over, Jack.
It's too late my friend.
Come on, come on, come on.
Fuck!
Carter, do you love me?
I'm sure you're still pretty on the inside.
I'm glad you like the CD.
Yeah, it's dynamite.
I love you.
Drop dead.
Well I've heard enough of your tales for one night.
I want to thank you for wasting my evening.
You're entire testimony is pretty much worthless.
I'm telling the truth.
Oh you are cruising for the gas chamber pal.
Oh fuck you lady!
I'm not crazy.
Sweet dreams Mr. Wilcox.
Oh no!
sometimes, I wish the world would just hurry up
and end already.
I want to reek of blood
I want to know the things you learned
Between the covers
I don't wanna read the story between the lines
I don't wanna hear about the look of love in your eyes
We had things all wrong
From the very start girl
It didn't take that long for us to turn out tears
Instead of whispers
We waited so long for it to fall apart now
Now that it did look what's happening to my happiness
Threw it all away
Still you got the nerve to say one day one day
How long is it anyway
Still I hope you're having fun babe fun babe
Somewhere maybe down the line
I can hear you say
He never cared about my happiness anyway
Here we are in what use to be the future
I can see it now
You never sought to resolve my loneliness anyhow
Lonely girl
Lonely boy
Ahhhh
Had about all you can take
Went away from america
Always waiting for a new heartbreak
Always saying that it should be good to see you
A second time around
Any year at all
I want to read the book of love
I want to know the things you've learned
between the covers
I don't wanna read the story between the lines
I don't wanna hear about the look of love in your eyes
Threw it all away
And still you had the nerve to say one day one day
Thought I lost you anyway
Still I hope you have a fun day fun day
Somewhere maybe down the line
I can hear you say
He never cared about my happiness anyway
Here we are in what used to be the future
I can see it now
You never sought to resolve my loneliness anyhow
Lonely girl
Lonely boy
Ahhhhh
There is a new way
To a new place
Now walking away
But right to the face of the enemy
There's a place
That's worth distress
Rain is falling
And realize the domain is done
There's a place
I won't surrender
There's a place
Where time is mine
There's a road the window
On the western side
There is a place
Where it will catch me
There's a place
I won't surrender
There is a place
Where time is mine
There
There is a place