Calling Nurse Meow (2022) Movie Script
1
[ominous music]
[suspenseful music]
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
- Oh, hello, darlings.
You've just caught me
reading, but thank you so much
for joining us for the meow-thology.
And for the first story of the evening,
"Nurse Meow and the
Hunt for Sexy Bigfoot",
This story's about idiot
hunters, severed cocks,
mistaken identities, and of
course very sexy bigfoots.
Enjoy.
[dramatic ominous music]
[ominous music]
- Oh, we're getting close now, lads.
[birds chirping]
I can smell it.
- You sure it's not that deer shit?
- That my friend, is not deer shit.
That is spore, grade A.
A genuine sign of the sexy bigfoot.
- Looks like deer shit to me.
- It is not deer shit.
- Agree to disagree, mate.
[ominous music]
- Ah, look at this.
- What is it?
More shit?
- Better.
- Better than shit?
Oh, find me in the fucking Alps.
- Tracks.
[dramatic music]
- Sexy bigfoot's are they?
- Well, they're not sexy
chupacabra are they?
- Well, either way they look pretty big.
- We're close, guys.
We're gonna find one, we're
gonna prove for the world
that sexy bigfoots are real.
We'll be fucking loaded.
- Well, that's so well and good, mate,
but if we're gonna capturing one,
what'd you bring the gun for?
- Well, the vicious, sexy bigfoots!
You don't know what it'd do.
Shake you to death probably.
So keep your eyes peeled.
- Hold that thoughts, lads.
I'm busting for a piss.
You go on ahead.
- Yo, seriously though,
why'd you bring him?
- He wants to be the first
man to fuck a bigfoot.
- Fuck a bigfoot?
- Who am I to deny a man he's dream.
- How true of that.
You know, I've been thinking,
what about if there's a
whole tribe with them?
What about if there's a
whole tribe of sexy bigfoots?
- Whole tribe, sexy bigfoots?
Show me a home
Where the buffalo roam
- Oh God, I needed that so much.
[fart squelching]
[ominous music]
Fuck is all this then?
Hello, sweetheart.
Been having some fun here?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
Mind if I join you?
In fact, I'm gonna have to insist.
Come on then, love, on your knees.
Start from the bottom and
work your way to the top.
No teeth mind you.
I'm very fond of these socks.
They were a gift from
Uncle Albert. [screaming]
- Hello, hello?
Earth to...
[Sleazy Hunter screaming]
- [Confident Hunter] What the fuck?
[Sleazy Hunter screaming]
[Nurse Meow spits]
[ominous music]
- Oh, what the fuck?
It took his penis!
Bigfoot's a dirty pervert!
- Well, of course they're not called
virgin bigfoots are they?
We got one right there in the bushes.
Real live sexy bigfoot.
- What do we do? What did we do?
- I'm gonna flush it out.
You get the net from the bag.
- Piece of piss, all right?
Goddammit.
[gun banging]
Ah!
[Nurse Meow whimpering]
- We got one!
A real life sexy bigfoot!
- I don't know about that.
Look at what size of her feet.
Can't be more than four.
- Nah, course she is.
Tie her up will ya?
Ah, I'll use this gag.
[Nurse Meow crying]
- That's better.
Right grab that rope from
the basket and tie her up.
- [Nervous Hunter] Oh!
- Crikey, where'd you
learn how to do that?
- Internet.
- Sexy bigfoot's not the only
pervert round here is she?
You're a dark horse.
All right, come on, girl.
[ominous electronic music]
[knife cutting rope]
[sexy bigfoot snorting]
[suspenseful electronic music]
Crikey!
- What the fuck?
[flesh squishing]
[sexy bigfoot growling]
- I'll hold her off.
[sexy bigfoot growling]
[Nurse Meow growling]
- What the fuck?
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic electronic music]
[ominous music]
[sultry jazz music]
[upbeat jazz music]
- So glad you enjoyed that.
And now something a bit more
sillier, "The Peeping Milk".
This short is about good old Flaps
stalking a very innocent Nurse Meow.
Don't worry, good sexy
doctor comes to the rescue.
[ominous music]
[door thuds]
- Flaps!
- Ah!
- You public infested foot monkey!
What are you doing now?
Masturbating over my nurse?
[Flaps screaming]
- I'm sorry, master!
- Yes, Flaps, it's too late for sorry now.
Yeah!
- I'm sorry, master!
- You worthless wretched piece of meat.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm going to tenderize you,
[Flaps screaming]
within an inch of your wretched life.
- [Flaps] Sorry, master. [groaning]
- [Dr. Dilf] Like a slug on a skillet.
I'm sorry, Ms. Meow.
Come with me and I'll give
you some special milk.
[Nurse Meow cheers]
- Ooh!
- This is your special milk.
[milk splashing]
- Gosh, that was a creamy story.
Really milked it there.
Now on to our next story, "The Hideout".
This is a story about
two very naughty girls
who thought they could find sanctuary
in Nurse Meow's hideout.
[dramatic music]
- [Reporter] Breaking news this lunchtime.
Police are hunting two armed robbers after
a jewelry store heist ended in a blood bath.
Two police officers are reported dead
and a member of the public
is fighting for their life.
Police describe both robbers as female,
in their mid 20s, and
disguised as office workers.
Both are armed and extremely dangerous.
Police are warning public not to approach
a scene and to call 999 immediately.
[dramatic music]
[Jess panting]
- All right, let me see.
- [groans] How about is it?
- Uh, you're gonna be fine, Jess.
[Jess groaning]
- That bad, huh?
- Well, we're gonna have to patch that up
before we skip town.
'Cause yeah, you can't travel like that.
- So what's the plan?
- The plan?
Right, the cops will be all
over the city looking for us,
so I reckon we lay low
here until nightfall.
I'll go out, boost a car.
We'll call Doc and get
that bullet out of you.
[Jess panting]
- That old pervert has been wanting
to get his fingers inside me for years.
- Yeah, well it's his lucky day then.
There must be a phone in here somewhere.
I'll call Doc and let him know I'm coming.
- Sophie, what happened?
- What do you mean?
- Why did you start shooting?
We were almost out of there scot free.
[groans] You started shooting
and the cops were on us so quick!
I just wanna know.
- Just keep pressure on the wound.
I won't be long.
[Jess panting]
[ominous music]
[blood dripping]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
[tense ominous music]
[suspenseful music]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[gun clicks]
[Sophie panting]
What the fuck is happening?
[footsteps stomping]
[knife slashes]
[Sophie groaning]
[gun thuds]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie gasping]
[Sophie choking]
[Sophie groaning]
[flesh squishing]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie gurgling]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie groaning]
[flesh squishing]
[flesh squishing]
[Sophie groaning]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
- Sophie?
Sophie? [panting]
Sophie?
[Nurse Meow meows]
Sophie?
[tense ominous music]
[Jess panting]
[Jess groans]
[Nurse Meow meows]
What the fuck?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
[Jess panting]
[claws thud]
[Jess gurgling]
[blood splashing]
[Jess groaning]
[blood splattering]
[Jess gurgling]
[Jess groaning]
[Jess groaning]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[tense ominous music]
- Well that was a bloody story.
At least Nurse Meow got her home back.
And now it's time for her to return
to somewhere familiar in "Booty
Canon and the Nine Tails".
This is the introduction
of Professor Areola
and how his meeting with
Dr. Dilf went a bit wrong.
- Flaps, Flaps!
Ah.
- [Flaps] Yes?
- Take this, hang it the fuck up,
you mangily ass gangly lollygag.
Fuck off.
[ominous music]
[phone ringing]
[Dr. Dilf sighs]
Toxic Independent Task Force.
Dilf speaking.
[sighs] Yes, Areola right away, sir.
Fuck!
- What's the matter, Doctor?
[Nurse Meow meows]
- [Dr. Dilf] Professor Fellatio
son Professor fucking Areola
wants to see my super soldier
research is coming along.
He's on route now.
- Your research is coming along so well.
It's at the trial stage for my booty cannon,
and Nurse Meow's nine tails.
Would you like me to grab
a hold of those plans?
- [Dr. Dilf] Yes, my dear. Go and
scrap that asinine snarly gas with a flattop
out of his cesspool and bring
him up here to clean up.
Nurse Meow.
- Huh?
- [Dr. Dilf] Sort out the
drinks for when Areola arrives.
[Nurse Meow meows]
That's right.
Best make mine a double.
[fast tempo funky music]
[Nurse Meow meows]
- Wait here.
Fine.
[Nurse Meow meows]
[hands slaps]
Good day, Doctor.
- Good day.
- I apologize for the
last minute phone call
but my father funded your lab before
your fuck up in New Jersey with the gas.
And if you wanna know more about that
check out "Carnal Monsters"
on Amazon, Blu-ray, and VHS.
- Yes, the gas had some
very strange side effects
beyond being a temporary
nostrum for the dead.
Spontaneous rectal collapse,
painful uncontrollable-
- Doctor, less about that.
Can you and your very fine team tell me if
any updates on the super soldier program?
- Ah yes, we have diagrams
for you to look at,
which my assistant Flap
should be bringing in right about now.
Flaps, you spermy flaggin' of liquid shit,
pick those up and bring them here!
- I'm sorry, master. I'll fetch the
punishment branch immediately!
- No time for that now!
After you've finished here, pencil a more
convenient beating time into my planner.
Then find me when it comes around.
For now just bring the documents here.
Fucking fool.
- Hmm, hmm.
- [Dr. Dilf] Cannon in the ass.
- [Areola] I like that this has wheels.
- [Dr. Dilf] Yeah, yeah,
that's an interesting concept.
- [Areola] In and out maneuvering.
Is that how they got it in there?
They just wheeled that fucker right in?
[Nurse Spanks gasps]
- No, the toxic fucking dose!
- Don't worry no one listens to Flaps.
- So explain to me how these work.
- Take a look if you will
at Nurse Meow's tail here.
We're going to reconfigure
into a fully controllable fifth limb.
When she activates her
articulated strength system,
ASS for short, her nine tales will emerge,
which in conjunction with
her cat-like reflexes
will turn her into a
veritable killing machine.
- I understand, Doctor.
Now explain the booty cannon.
- Ah Nurse Spanks has an
exceptionally high IQ,
meaning that she'll be able
to work out in milliseconds
the angle needed to fire a perfect shot
obliterating her target.
To conceal the weapon
it will be built into her colon
emerging from said wicked hole
when she activates her ass.
- You see, professor, I can calculate far
beyond the average human brain function.
Between that and my
girlfriend, Nurse Meow,
and her cat-like fucking reflexes
and my super intelligence
and Dr. Dilf's exceptional
planning skills,
I think we're prepared.
- Good to hear, Doctor.
I want these finished and in
the field within the next week.
- A week?
Impossible!
It'll take more than that
for the research alone.
As soon as I can manage
would be next summer.
- Well it appears we
have a misunderstanding.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, silly boys, silly, silly boys.
We are neither the people, the animals
nor the situation to fuck with.
- I'll let it slide this time, Doctor,
but you disappoint me again,
you need to keep your eyes peeled.
- [Dr. Dilf] I think it's time
for you to leave, Professor Areola.
I will be in touch when
my girls are ready.
Flaps, show him to the door if
you can fucking manage that.
Wanker.
[door clicks]
[siren wailing]
- Sorry, master!
[door bangs]
I'm sorry, master.
[Flaps grunting]
[club thudding]
[Flaps grunting]
- That you're the hump
boy of the hump, the hump.
[Flaps groaning]
[club thudding]
[door bangs]
- Oh dear, quite a few
mishaps at Dr. Dilf's lab.
Now onto the mystical tale "Excalipurr".
You've all heard the story
of "The Sword and the Stone",
but let me present to you
"The Booty in the Cat Flap".
[brooding music]
[Roman grunting]
- [grunts] How much further?
- I don't know, Celt, but feel free to
fall by the wayside and I'll be king.
[both grunting]
- 'Tis fertile here.
- Then we are close.
Perhaps by morning.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[dog barks]
- Unwieldy, sir, take care of your
cunting feet lest you lose them.
- Care not, young Daphne.
Some men disguise with bluster,
their meager tumescence
cowering within their breaches.
Put the pack down, my boy. We'll
have little need of that from here on out.
- It's got all your armor in it.
- Ah, it is at the prophecy states.
A warrior shall rise clad
only in the linen of right.
His only armor courage.
As it is written so it'll be done.
- Stupid prophecy if you ask me.
I feel like I'm dressed
in a sodden bed sheet.
I'm here to become king.
- Ah!
The prophecy also states
that only the humble may pass the test.
- Halt.
- Hark, sir, we have
traveled from all corners
of this sacred aisle to
discover who among us
is worthy to be king and
heal this ailing land.
Please step aside.
- Who are you who would quest?
We are knight and warriors of noble blood
chosen by rite of ordeal.
Once more, sir, step aside.
- You have found that we you seek.
From this point fourth,
you must lay down all arms forged by man
and carry only what nature provides.
- I've traveled many miles
over beach and brook to reach this place.
I will not lay down my arms on the words of
the first potato munching wank moppet in a hood
to cross my path.
- Fuck you, you old man. I'll slice
you open like the fat pig you are.
[dramatic music]
[Augustus groaning]
[blood splattering]
- [grunts] My penis.
My penis!
It's gone!
[Augustus gurgling]
Gone!
Where's my penis??
Where?
- Fuck!
[group grunting]
Shit! Fuck!
[dog barks]
- I like this not. He's vanished as
though he was some woodland dream.
- Just keep walking.
- Who the fuck is he?
- Warriors, nobles, and princes,
Britain is blighted.
The crop does wither in the cracked earth
and the babe does starve at
his mother's barren breast.
A land without a king is
like a hole without a plug
through which the bathwater
of life does piss away.
To heal this land, we need a king,
but only the strongest may survive.
Only five may enter.
- Huh?
- Daphne, I love you dearly, but thou
has the brains of a large French cheese.
Fellow challenges, we must
decide by the holy ritual
of physical combat, which among
us will be the chosen five.
[group laughing]
- Your mind sir, is not
as sharp as your blade.
I am the strongest.
You are all fall and I alone shall enter.
Besides I fucking cheat.
[dramatic music]
[man grunting]
[man grunting]
[liquid splashing]
[blood splattering]
[man grunting]
[fart squelching]
[blood splattering]
[fart squelching]
[fart squelching]
- Reduced to naught but a pooey mess!
[liquid splashing]
What horror!
- You may only use what nature provides.
Five may enter.
[birds chirping]
- What?
[Daphne yells]
[liquid squishing]
[feet stomping]
[Daphne groaning]
[Daphne screaming]
[club thudding]
[clubs thudding]
- No, no, no, no!
[melancholic music]
- Perceval.
- Quiet now, fair Daphne.
Conserve your energy.
- Leave me.
Go become king.
- Oh, what manner of king would
I be if I were to leave you,
the boy I found in a disused privy
atop the decomposing filth of
his own slaughtered family,
chewing on the rotted thigh
of his own dead mother?
- No really go.
[record scratches]
- The battle is done.
You have won the right to test your worth.
- Where now, mystic?
[suspenseful music]
[birds chirping]
- And now at long last, but one final task
stands in the way of our healing.
Here in this sacred glade
before the gaze of the gods of old
of the upstart God from across the sea,
the future will be born
and Britain shall have a king.
Behold!
[whimsical music]
Only he who can draw
the feline from the flap
is worthy enough to be king.
- Um, isn't it the sword and the stone?
- No, the feline from the flap.
[Nurse Meow purring]
- Fuck off, I got this.
- Does anyone know who the fuck he is?
[hands slap]
[Viking grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Viking grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Viking grunting]
- It's as if she's held by
the hand of God himself.
- Your heart must be pure and true, sir,
to free the pussy!
[Viking sighs]
[branches cracking]
[squirrel grunting]
- I shall free the pussy. My
heart is true. I shall be king.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Roman grunts]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Girl is straight and strong.
[wood creaking]
Praise me to God, it's working.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Roman grunting]
Bollocks!
- I have here with me a magical item
not forged by man of woman born.
[whimsical music]
- It is permitted.
[hands rubbing]
- Oh, ah!
[Nurse Meow cries]
Ah!
Ah! [panting]
Ah!
[Celt grunting]
[branch snaps]
- After you my friend.
- Noble but stupid.
No, I, Aulus shall draw the grimalkin
from its floppy shackle.
[rope zipping]
[Aulus laughing]
[trunk thuds]
[dog barking]
[car door clicks]
[key clicking]
[car engine revving]
[Nurse Meow crying]
What?
[Perceval laughing]
It's no possible!
[Perceval laughing]
- Your heart was not true, sir.
You cheated like a bitch!
- Honor schmoner my people are conquerors!
- [chuckles] Step aside, sir,
least you soil your
robes in your disgrace.
I'll show you what it
means to be true of heart.
[Aulus scoffs]
Trapped not sweet pussy,
your savior is here.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Perceval grunting]
Oh, what?
[Nurse Meow crying]
[grunting] Ah, but this cannot be.
The land cannot be without a king!
- There is no hope.
None are worthy.
None are free from sin.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[funky music]
[ominous music]
This land is baron, and
broken, tattered, and torn.
And these wank stains
that would be king are utterly unworthy.
The land is doomed.
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
[gear whirring]
[Aulus laughing]
[sword taps]
[Aulus grunts]
- Fucking hell it's bastard freezing!
Any of you got a towel?
- 'Tis the lady of the lake!
- Aye, aye.
[Perceval grunting]
- I am Aulus, son of..
- All right there, sunshine,
I don't give a toss.
Oh, look a baby wolf.
[Perceval grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Go, get on.
[Perceval grunting]
[Apostle gasps]
[body pops]
[triumphant music]
You all right, love?
[Nurse Meow meows]
All this for a little pussy.
- Bow before your new queen.
[fast tempo dramatic music]
- Thank you, Lady of the
Lake for rescuing Nurse Meow.
How long would she have stuck there
if it wasn't for her? [giggles]
Now on to another rescue story,
"Alley Cat Of The SS".
Now let's travel back
in time to World War II.
Can you imagine if Nurse
Meow was captured by the SS?
Well, that is this story.
[brooding music]
[dramatic music]
- Mein feline.
Where is the location of herr Dr. Dilf?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
They say a cat has nine lives,
let's see how many it takes to break you.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
[razor buzzing]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Mein feline, I told you,
[clothes ripping]
[Nurse Meow cries]
you would break.
You will break.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Now you've seen the
power of the Third Reich.
We will find herr Dr. Dilf.
[Nurse Meow whimpering]
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
- Fuck this pisspot.
Bonk!
Take that Fritz!
- Yes, we will try and find
the location of herr Dr. Dilf.
But mein feline she's
stronger than she seems.
Get word back to the
fatherland of what is happened.
- Ay, bang!
[club thuds]
Master race my bleached asshole!
You porky door knob jockey!
And you've better have kept your
bratwurst and lederhosen as well Jerry!
or I'll be back with an
even bigger rubber cock!
Ms. Meow! I'm coming!
Don't worry my dear, I'm here to
heist you from this nasty bit of fuckery.
Come on.
- I am sorry that was truly
disturbing. [chuckles]
And on to a lighter note, "Kittynip".
Now join me on this trip into "Kittynip".
[birds chirping]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[slow tempo rock music]
Well, that was a bit of a psychotic trip.
On to something a bit more psychotic.
Let me introduce you to "Hatred".
This is a father son story
and a very, very bizarre
night with Nurse Meow.
[ominous music]
[Nurse Meow panting]
[door clicks]
[Frank laughing]
[Frank laughing]
- Have you had a nice day here?
You've been entertaining yourself?
'Cause you should have.
Because you weren't going
to entertain me, were you?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You are a dike.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
That's all you are.
Yeah, hiss at me all you like,
but you are not getting away from here.
You are going to give me some fun.
I am just going to have fun with you
and it's going to be brilliant.
But you don't know what you
haven't had yet. [laughing]
I've got something for you.
I know what you want.
I know precisely what you want.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You want pussy!
Pussy wants you. [laughing]
Yes, and this is pussy
is going to torment you
and this pussy is going places
where you want it to go.
Hey, yes, you like this pussy. [laughing]
Kitty and I am going to make
sure
I have what I want.
And you, you are going
to regret saying no.
[laughs] Yes, yes, hiss, go on hiss.
Ahhhh!
Kitty. [laughing]
[Nurse Meow hissing]
Ha, you can't get outta this.
You are not going to.
And I might invite someone
else,
not just pussy.
Pussy likes you.
Do you like pussy?
Know you do.
You do like pussy don't you?
[laughing]
Pussy wants to play.
Pussy wants to play. [laughing]
[laughing] You, you wait there.
Just wait there.
Don't move. [laughing]
Hi, son, you know that women
who played up last night?
Yeah, yeah. Well, I just thought
you might want to come over.
Yeah, yeah, it's a surprise.
Yeah, well, put it this way,
lightning never strikes twice.
Okay, see you soon.
And how do you like that?
[laughing]
[Frank laughing]
[Frank hissing]
[Frank laughs]
The knock.
The knock.
Come in.
Come in. [laughing]
See?
- [Larry] What's have you done?
- What have I done?
What I said I was going to do.
Look, we spoke last night.
She dissed us, so therefore
I just got her to come over.
- You silly cunt, why?
- No, because I keep my promises.
That's all I'm saying.
- You just leave them be.
- Yeah, she, she is going to be very good.
We felt that last night, didn't we?
We saw her in the bar and we
said she had to be the one.
- Yeah.
- So she's the one.
She's here.
- Yes, she is.
[Frank laughing]
Cunt.
- Stand up.
So she's-
- You've done it now.
- [Frank] All ours.
Well, she can't leave, can she?
'Cause she's seen too much.
She knows too much.
So therefore she's just there. [laughing]
- [Larry] I don't think it's
a good idea to untie her.
[Frank laughing]
- Look at this. [laughs]
[Nurse Meow hisses]
You know what these are for? [laughing]
You do, don't you?
You know exactly what these are.
So we'll just do that.
And we'll do that.
- [Larry] I don't think it's a good idea.
[Frank groaning]
[foot thuds]
Jeez.
[club thuds]
[Frank groans]
[suspenseful music]
[club thuds]
[Larry groans]
- What are you doing?
[hammer thuds]
[Frank groans]
[body thuds]
[brooding music]
[birds chirping]
[Larry and Frank laughing]
And well, I trimmed on the sides.
Taken the sides off.
[Frank chattering]
[nose sniffing]
[Frank sighs]
[nose sniffing]
[nose sniffing]
[Frank grunting]
You wanna try some?
- Nah.
- Please try.
- It's bad for you.
- [scoffs] It's not bad for you.
- I don't.
- It's good.
- That's a no.
- Gives you a good mental attitude.
Really nice.
You should try it.
You haven't tried it, how would you know?
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, oh.
- Don't stare.
- It's a bit difficult not to stare when.
Well, why don't you go over to her?
I can't.
- Oh, come on, son.
Look, it's about time you had a girlfriend.
- But I can't.
- Well, at least you haven't
brought any boys back.
Oh, just go and talk to her.
- I wanna see how the
master, master actor at work.
- Ah.
- You get all of the girls.
- Oh, wankers.
I'll see if she wants some of this.
Ah, excuse me.
Would you like some try some?
No?
She don't want any.
- That's good.
- Yeah, well, you know.
Are you sure you're not
gonna go over there?
- Can't, I'm too shy.
- [sighs] Uh, hi.
It's really nice here isn't it?
So do you come here often?
It's quite a nice place.
Yeah.
Do you find it a bit cold in that top?
Really nice, very, yeah, and
nice, nice tattoos as well.
Really nice tattoos.
Your, your ears are nice.
I like the ears.
They're really neat.
And, and, and, the hair is that natural?
It a really dark color.
It's is, it's natural.
All right, so it matches downstairs then?
Just wondering.
My, my son's over there.
He, he's, he's really interested.
Hello, son.
He's, he's really interested.
He actually sent me over here
because he's a bit shy.
Uh, but, uh, so maybe we could,
you know, go back to our house.
Getting a bit chilly here, you know.
I'm sure, you know,
we'll probably make it worthwhile as well.
I've got, would cash be fine?
You'll be up for that surely.
No.
Ah, everyone's up for that.
Yeah, you'll be fine.
Once you're done it the first time I
understand it's quite easy to just do it.
So you know, you, you just
make sure you're happy
and we can make you very comfortable.
And obviously send you
home in a taxi afterwards,
after we've all had a bit of fun.
Got plenty of white stuff as well.
That's really good actually.
It's really good sauce I've got.
So yeah, I think, I
think you'll like that.
I think you'd really do.
So yeah, I think you, ah!
[ominous music]
[heavy breathing]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[whips slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
I'm sorry.
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunts]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank groaning]
[Frank groaning]
[knife tapping]
[Frank grunting]
[Larry gasps]
[Frank grunts]
[foot stomps]
[Frank groaning]
[Frank grunts]
- You stupid cunt.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You fucking twat.
Piss off.
Cunt.
Come near me and I'll
fucking bite your leg.
I'll bite your fucking
leg you come near me.
[Frank grunting]
I'll bite you.
Take that thing away from me.
[Larry grunts]
[whip slaps]
Hit me again.
Fucking bite you.
Twat.
[Frank grunting]
Come near me, I fucking dare you.
[Frank grunting]
Cunt.
[Larry groans]
[Frank grunting]
Get away.
Twat, I'll fucking slice,
slice your fucking tits off!
You cunt, slice your tits off!
[Frank grunting]
[Nurse Meow spits]
[Frank grunts]
Piece of shit.
[Larry spits]
[Frank grunting]
[hand slaps]
[Frank groans]
Twat.
[Frank grunting]
[Nurse Meow giggling]
[Frank grunting]
- I'm sorry.
[Frank grunting]
I'm sorry.
We shouldn't have done this to you.
What do you want me to say?
What, what?
What?
[hand slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Nurse Meow spits]
- [Larry] Cunt, you disgust me.
Bitch.
- [Frank] Shh, don't pry her.
- Fuck her.
Oh, get away from me.
- [Frank] She could do anything.
- [Larry] Like what?
- [Frank] Well, you
can't see what I can see.
- I will fucking slice her up.
Gonna get her.
I'll fucking kill you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll fucking stab you
in your fucking face.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll cut your fucking face off.
- [Frank] Do you want your
mouth filled with that?
- I will fucking shove
that up your fucking ass.
Keep away from me you stupid bitch.
Get away.
Fuck that.
Get away from me.
- [Frank] I can't see.
Larry, what's, what's
happening over there?
- She's got a massive cock here.
[Frank grunting]
[hand tapping]
Keep that away.
God, that stinks.
[Frank grunting]
[Larry gagging]
[Larry spitting]
[Larry spitting]
[Frank grunting]
[suspenseful music]
Cunt.
Get lost. [groans]
Piece of shit.
[Larry panting]
[Frank grunting]
[knife thuds]
[Larry gurgling]
[Larry gasping]
[Frank grunting]
[hammer thuds]
[Frank groaning]
[body thuds]
[Frank grunts]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank panting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank grunts]
[whip thuds]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank choking]
[Frank choking]
[Frank grunting]
- No, no, please.
Please, no.
[Frank gagging]
[Frank gagging]
[hand tapping]
[tense suspenseful music]
[hand tapping]
[Frank gagging]
[suspenseful music]
[door clicks]
[door bangs]
[upbeat music]
[screen buzzing]
[upbeat music]
- Have you even getting enough pleasure
out of your useless husband?
No?
What a shocker.
But not as shocking as
this, uh, new dildo.
Presenting Killdo.
Created and possessed by
your very own mass murderer.
No, not you.
No.
Anyway, on a serious note
this does not require any batteries
as it's alive and I mean alive.
You're bored on a Sunday morning,
turn it into a sinday morning,
and just, fuck, fuck, fuck away.
Buy now and get a free sacrificial kit
to make your hours of fun last longer,
unlike your husband.
How much does this cost?
Of course 6 sexy 6.
[Kitty Kiss laughing]
We're rolling?
Yeah, okay.
Sorry about that.
Technical difficulties.
Anyway, back to our regular programming.
On to our next short.
Let me introduce you to "Dreamies".
This short is X-rated.
If you're not comfortable
with that, why are you here?
This has lots of animation, Nurse Spanks,
and a lot of drool.
[slow tempo piano music]
[woman moaning]
[tongue sloshing]
[woman moaning]
[woman panting]
[woman moaning]
[seagulls squawking]
[mouth slurping]
[mouth pops]
[woman moaning]
[Nurse Spanks snoring]
[woman moaning]
[mouth slurping]
[seagulls squawking]
[woman giggling]
[woman giggling]
[Nurse Spanks snoring]
[slow piano music]
Nurse
Meow
And Nurse Spanks
In love
Oh, ah, oh, ah
Moo
Can still feel the tentacles?
Anyway, on to our musical number.
This is also called "Calling Nurse Meow"
by Ratty the Sly.
[gentle music]
[slow tempo upbeat music]
I'm calling Nurse Meow
Nah, fuck it, I'm calling a hearse now
Calling a hearse now
Two birds one stone, one stone
Stuck a scalpel in my
neck, I bleed so long
Bleed so long
Feel the curse in
your bone alone, alone
Only the sword hurt
you more, hurt you more
Steal the king's throne,
king's throne to set the tone
Or should I say your
broken cheerily December pa
What's whole is the head cry
of love, the head cries of
Lust, that power black
hat, power black hat
I see life by the light of fly
And laughter know what
I stay, I stay, I stay,
I stay, I stay, I stay
I really hope you
enjoyed our meow-thology.
And now on to some special thanks,
Joe Cash, Kaylan Jordan-Sen,
John W.T, Jason Impey,
last but not least, Dan Urban.
Thank you everyone else who was part
of making this lovely movie.
Until next time, darlings,
I've been your seductive host, Kitty Kiss.
[lips smack]
[gentle music]
[slow tempo upbeat music]
I'm calling Nurse Meow
Nah, fuck it, I'm calling hearse now
Calling a hearse now
Two birds one stone, one stone
Stuck a scalpel in my
neck, I bleed so long
Bleed so long
Feel the curse in
your bone alone, alone
Only the sword hurt
you more, hurt you more
Seal the king's throne,
king's throne to set the tone
Or should I say your
broken cheerily December pa
What's whole is the head cry
of love, the head cries of
Lust, that power black
hat, power black hat
I see life by the light of a fly
And laughter know what
I stay, I stay, I stay,
I stay, I stay, I stay
[slow tempo piano music]
Nurse
Meow
And Nurse Spanks
In love
Oh, ah
Oh, ah
Moo
[ominous music]
[suspenseful music]
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
- Oh, hello, darlings.
You've just caught me
reading, but thank you so much
for joining us for the meow-thology.
And for the first story of the evening,
"Nurse Meow and the
Hunt for Sexy Bigfoot",
This story's about idiot
hunters, severed cocks,
mistaken identities, and of
course very sexy bigfoots.
Enjoy.
[dramatic ominous music]
[ominous music]
- Oh, we're getting close now, lads.
[birds chirping]
I can smell it.
- You sure it's not that deer shit?
- That my friend, is not deer shit.
That is spore, grade A.
A genuine sign of the sexy bigfoot.
- Looks like deer shit to me.
- It is not deer shit.
- Agree to disagree, mate.
[ominous music]
- Ah, look at this.
- What is it?
More shit?
- Better.
- Better than shit?
Oh, find me in the fucking Alps.
- Tracks.
[dramatic music]
- Sexy bigfoot's are they?
- Well, they're not sexy
chupacabra are they?
- Well, either way they look pretty big.
- We're close, guys.
We're gonna find one, we're
gonna prove for the world
that sexy bigfoots are real.
We'll be fucking loaded.
- Well, that's so well and good, mate,
but if we're gonna capturing one,
what'd you bring the gun for?
- Well, the vicious, sexy bigfoots!
You don't know what it'd do.
Shake you to death probably.
So keep your eyes peeled.
- Hold that thoughts, lads.
I'm busting for a piss.
You go on ahead.
- Yo, seriously though,
why'd you bring him?
- He wants to be the first
man to fuck a bigfoot.
- Fuck a bigfoot?
- Who am I to deny a man he's dream.
- How true of that.
You know, I've been thinking,
what about if there's a
whole tribe with them?
What about if there's a
whole tribe of sexy bigfoots?
- Whole tribe, sexy bigfoots?
Show me a home
Where the buffalo roam
- Oh God, I needed that so much.
[fart squelching]
[ominous music]
Fuck is all this then?
Hello, sweetheart.
Been having some fun here?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
Mind if I join you?
In fact, I'm gonna have to insist.
Come on then, love, on your knees.
Start from the bottom and
work your way to the top.
No teeth mind you.
I'm very fond of these socks.
They were a gift from
Uncle Albert. [screaming]
- Hello, hello?
Earth to...
[Sleazy Hunter screaming]
- [Confident Hunter] What the fuck?
[Sleazy Hunter screaming]
[Nurse Meow spits]
[ominous music]
- Oh, what the fuck?
It took his penis!
Bigfoot's a dirty pervert!
- Well, of course they're not called
virgin bigfoots are they?
We got one right there in the bushes.
Real live sexy bigfoot.
- What do we do? What did we do?
- I'm gonna flush it out.
You get the net from the bag.
- Piece of piss, all right?
Goddammit.
[gun banging]
Ah!
[Nurse Meow whimpering]
- We got one!
A real life sexy bigfoot!
- I don't know about that.
Look at what size of her feet.
Can't be more than four.
- Nah, course she is.
Tie her up will ya?
Ah, I'll use this gag.
[Nurse Meow crying]
- That's better.
Right grab that rope from
the basket and tie her up.
- [Nervous Hunter] Oh!
- Crikey, where'd you
learn how to do that?
- Internet.
- Sexy bigfoot's not the only
pervert round here is she?
You're a dark horse.
All right, come on, girl.
[ominous electronic music]
[knife cutting rope]
[sexy bigfoot snorting]
[suspenseful electronic music]
Crikey!
- What the fuck?
[flesh squishing]
[sexy bigfoot growling]
- I'll hold her off.
[sexy bigfoot growling]
[Nurse Meow growling]
- What the fuck?
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic electronic music]
[ominous music]
[sultry jazz music]
[upbeat jazz music]
- So glad you enjoyed that.
And now something a bit more
sillier, "The Peeping Milk".
This short is about good old Flaps
stalking a very innocent Nurse Meow.
Don't worry, good sexy
doctor comes to the rescue.
[ominous music]
[door thuds]
- Flaps!
- Ah!
- You public infested foot monkey!
What are you doing now?
Masturbating over my nurse?
[Flaps screaming]
- I'm sorry, master!
- Yes, Flaps, it's too late for sorry now.
Yeah!
- I'm sorry, master!
- You worthless wretched piece of meat.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm going to tenderize you,
[Flaps screaming]
within an inch of your wretched life.
- [Flaps] Sorry, master. [groaning]
- [Dr. Dilf] Like a slug on a skillet.
I'm sorry, Ms. Meow.
Come with me and I'll give
you some special milk.
[Nurse Meow cheers]
- Ooh!
- This is your special milk.
[milk splashing]
- Gosh, that was a creamy story.
Really milked it there.
Now on to our next story, "The Hideout".
This is a story about
two very naughty girls
who thought they could find sanctuary
in Nurse Meow's hideout.
[dramatic music]
- [Reporter] Breaking news this lunchtime.
Police are hunting two armed robbers after
a jewelry store heist ended in a blood bath.
Two police officers are reported dead
and a member of the public
is fighting for their life.
Police describe both robbers as female,
in their mid 20s, and
disguised as office workers.
Both are armed and extremely dangerous.
Police are warning public not to approach
a scene and to call 999 immediately.
[dramatic music]
[Jess panting]
- All right, let me see.
- [groans] How about is it?
- Uh, you're gonna be fine, Jess.
[Jess groaning]
- That bad, huh?
- Well, we're gonna have to patch that up
before we skip town.
'Cause yeah, you can't travel like that.
- So what's the plan?
- The plan?
Right, the cops will be all
over the city looking for us,
so I reckon we lay low
here until nightfall.
I'll go out, boost a car.
We'll call Doc and get
that bullet out of you.
[Jess panting]
- That old pervert has been wanting
to get his fingers inside me for years.
- Yeah, well it's his lucky day then.
There must be a phone in here somewhere.
I'll call Doc and let him know I'm coming.
- Sophie, what happened?
- What do you mean?
- Why did you start shooting?
We were almost out of there scot free.
[groans] You started shooting
and the cops were on us so quick!
I just wanna know.
- Just keep pressure on the wound.
I won't be long.
[Jess panting]
[ominous music]
[blood dripping]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
[tense ominous music]
[suspenseful music]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[gun clicks]
[Sophie panting]
What the fuck is happening?
[footsteps stomping]
[knife slashes]
[Sophie groaning]
[gun thuds]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie gasping]
[Sophie choking]
[Sophie groaning]
[flesh squishing]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie gurgling]
[Sophie groaning]
[Sophie groaning]
[flesh squishing]
[flesh squishing]
[Sophie groaning]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
[Nurse Meow meowing]
- Sophie?
Sophie? [panting]
Sophie?
[Nurse Meow meows]
Sophie?
[tense ominous music]
[Jess panting]
[Jess groans]
[Nurse Meow meows]
What the fuck?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
[Jess panting]
[claws thud]
[Jess gurgling]
[blood splashing]
[Jess groaning]
[blood splattering]
[Jess gurgling]
[Jess groaning]
[Jess groaning]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[tense ominous music]
- Well that was a bloody story.
At least Nurse Meow got her home back.
And now it's time for her to return
to somewhere familiar in "Booty
Canon and the Nine Tails".
This is the introduction
of Professor Areola
and how his meeting with
Dr. Dilf went a bit wrong.
- Flaps, Flaps!
Ah.
- [Flaps] Yes?
- Take this, hang it the fuck up,
you mangily ass gangly lollygag.
Fuck off.
[ominous music]
[phone ringing]
[Dr. Dilf sighs]
Toxic Independent Task Force.
Dilf speaking.
[sighs] Yes, Areola right away, sir.
Fuck!
- What's the matter, Doctor?
[Nurse Meow meows]
- [Dr. Dilf] Professor Fellatio
son Professor fucking Areola
wants to see my super soldier
research is coming along.
He's on route now.
- Your research is coming along so well.
It's at the trial stage for my booty cannon,
and Nurse Meow's nine tails.
Would you like me to grab
a hold of those plans?
- [Dr. Dilf] Yes, my dear. Go and
scrap that asinine snarly gas with a flattop
out of his cesspool and bring
him up here to clean up.
Nurse Meow.
- Huh?
- [Dr. Dilf] Sort out the
drinks for when Areola arrives.
[Nurse Meow meows]
That's right.
Best make mine a double.
[fast tempo funky music]
[Nurse Meow meows]
- Wait here.
Fine.
[Nurse Meow meows]
[hands slaps]
Good day, Doctor.
- Good day.
- I apologize for the
last minute phone call
but my father funded your lab before
your fuck up in New Jersey with the gas.
And if you wanna know more about that
check out "Carnal Monsters"
on Amazon, Blu-ray, and VHS.
- Yes, the gas had some
very strange side effects
beyond being a temporary
nostrum for the dead.
Spontaneous rectal collapse,
painful uncontrollable-
- Doctor, less about that.
Can you and your very fine team tell me if
any updates on the super soldier program?
- Ah yes, we have diagrams
for you to look at,
which my assistant Flap
should be bringing in right about now.
Flaps, you spermy flaggin' of liquid shit,
pick those up and bring them here!
- I'm sorry, master. I'll fetch the
punishment branch immediately!
- No time for that now!
After you've finished here, pencil a more
convenient beating time into my planner.
Then find me when it comes around.
For now just bring the documents here.
Fucking fool.
- Hmm, hmm.
- [Dr. Dilf] Cannon in the ass.
- [Areola] I like that this has wheels.
- [Dr. Dilf] Yeah, yeah,
that's an interesting concept.
- [Areola] In and out maneuvering.
Is that how they got it in there?
They just wheeled that fucker right in?
[Nurse Spanks gasps]
- No, the toxic fucking dose!
- Don't worry no one listens to Flaps.
- So explain to me how these work.
- Take a look if you will
at Nurse Meow's tail here.
We're going to reconfigure
into a fully controllable fifth limb.
When she activates her
articulated strength system,
ASS for short, her nine tales will emerge,
which in conjunction with
her cat-like reflexes
will turn her into a
veritable killing machine.
- I understand, Doctor.
Now explain the booty cannon.
- Ah Nurse Spanks has an
exceptionally high IQ,
meaning that she'll be able
to work out in milliseconds
the angle needed to fire a perfect shot
obliterating her target.
To conceal the weapon
it will be built into her colon
emerging from said wicked hole
when she activates her ass.
- You see, professor, I can calculate far
beyond the average human brain function.
Between that and my
girlfriend, Nurse Meow,
and her cat-like fucking reflexes
and my super intelligence
and Dr. Dilf's exceptional
planning skills,
I think we're prepared.
- Good to hear, Doctor.
I want these finished and in
the field within the next week.
- A week?
Impossible!
It'll take more than that
for the research alone.
As soon as I can manage
would be next summer.
- Well it appears we
have a misunderstanding.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, silly boys, silly, silly boys.
We are neither the people, the animals
nor the situation to fuck with.
- I'll let it slide this time, Doctor,
but you disappoint me again,
you need to keep your eyes peeled.
- [Dr. Dilf] I think it's time
for you to leave, Professor Areola.
I will be in touch when
my girls are ready.
Flaps, show him to the door if
you can fucking manage that.
Wanker.
[door clicks]
[siren wailing]
- Sorry, master!
[door bangs]
I'm sorry, master.
[Flaps grunting]
[club thudding]
[Flaps grunting]
- That you're the hump
boy of the hump, the hump.
[Flaps groaning]
[club thudding]
[door bangs]
- Oh dear, quite a few
mishaps at Dr. Dilf's lab.
Now onto the mystical tale "Excalipurr".
You've all heard the story
of "The Sword and the Stone",
but let me present to you
"The Booty in the Cat Flap".
[brooding music]
[Roman grunting]
- [grunts] How much further?
- I don't know, Celt, but feel free to
fall by the wayside and I'll be king.
[both grunting]
- 'Tis fertile here.
- Then we are close.
Perhaps by morning.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[dog barks]
- Unwieldy, sir, take care of your
cunting feet lest you lose them.
- Care not, young Daphne.
Some men disguise with bluster,
their meager tumescence
cowering within their breaches.
Put the pack down, my boy. We'll
have little need of that from here on out.
- It's got all your armor in it.
- Ah, it is at the prophecy states.
A warrior shall rise clad
only in the linen of right.
His only armor courage.
As it is written so it'll be done.
- Stupid prophecy if you ask me.
I feel like I'm dressed
in a sodden bed sheet.
I'm here to become king.
- Ah!
The prophecy also states
that only the humble may pass the test.
- Halt.
- Hark, sir, we have
traveled from all corners
of this sacred aisle to
discover who among us
is worthy to be king and
heal this ailing land.
Please step aside.
- Who are you who would quest?
We are knight and warriors of noble blood
chosen by rite of ordeal.
Once more, sir, step aside.
- You have found that we you seek.
From this point fourth,
you must lay down all arms forged by man
and carry only what nature provides.
- I've traveled many miles
over beach and brook to reach this place.
I will not lay down my arms on the words of
the first potato munching wank moppet in a hood
to cross my path.
- Fuck you, you old man. I'll slice
you open like the fat pig you are.
[dramatic music]
[Augustus groaning]
[blood splattering]
- [grunts] My penis.
My penis!
It's gone!
[Augustus gurgling]
Gone!
Where's my penis??
Where?
- Fuck!
[group grunting]
Shit! Fuck!
[dog barks]
- I like this not. He's vanished as
though he was some woodland dream.
- Just keep walking.
- Who the fuck is he?
- Warriors, nobles, and princes,
Britain is blighted.
The crop does wither in the cracked earth
and the babe does starve at
his mother's barren breast.
A land without a king is
like a hole without a plug
through which the bathwater
of life does piss away.
To heal this land, we need a king,
but only the strongest may survive.
Only five may enter.
- Huh?
- Daphne, I love you dearly, but thou
has the brains of a large French cheese.
Fellow challenges, we must
decide by the holy ritual
of physical combat, which among
us will be the chosen five.
[group laughing]
- Your mind sir, is not
as sharp as your blade.
I am the strongest.
You are all fall and I alone shall enter.
Besides I fucking cheat.
[dramatic music]
[man grunting]
[man grunting]
[liquid splashing]
[blood splattering]
[man grunting]
[fart squelching]
[blood splattering]
[fart squelching]
[fart squelching]
- Reduced to naught but a pooey mess!
[liquid splashing]
What horror!
- You may only use what nature provides.
Five may enter.
[birds chirping]
- What?
[Daphne yells]
[liquid squishing]
[feet stomping]
[Daphne groaning]
[Daphne screaming]
[club thudding]
[clubs thudding]
- No, no, no, no!
[melancholic music]
- Perceval.
- Quiet now, fair Daphne.
Conserve your energy.
- Leave me.
Go become king.
- Oh, what manner of king would
I be if I were to leave you,
the boy I found in a disused privy
atop the decomposing filth of
his own slaughtered family,
chewing on the rotted thigh
of his own dead mother?
- No really go.
[record scratches]
- The battle is done.
You have won the right to test your worth.
- Where now, mystic?
[suspenseful music]
[birds chirping]
- And now at long last, but one final task
stands in the way of our healing.
Here in this sacred glade
before the gaze of the gods of old
of the upstart God from across the sea,
the future will be born
and Britain shall have a king.
Behold!
[whimsical music]
Only he who can draw
the feline from the flap
is worthy enough to be king.
- Um, isn't it the sword and the stone?
- No, the feline from the flap.
[Nurse Meow purring]
- Fuck off, I got this.
- Does anyone know who the fuck he is?
[hands slap]
[Viking grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Viking grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Viking grunting]
- It's as if she's held by
the hand of God himself.
- Your heart must be pure and true, sir,
to free the pussy!
[Viking sighs]
[branches cracking]
[squirrel grunting]
- I shall free the pussy. My
heart is true. I shall be king.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Roman grunts]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Girl is straight and strong.
[wood creaking]
Praise me to God, it's working.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Roman grunting]
Bollocks!
- I have here with me a magical item
not forged by man of woman born.
[whimsical music]
- It is permitted.
[hands rubbing]
- Oh, ah!
[Nurse Meow cries]
Ah!
Ah! [panting]
Ah!
[Celt grunting]
[branch snaps]
- After you my friend.
- Noble but stupid.
No, I, Aulus shall draw the grimalkin
from its floppy shackle.
[rope zipping]
[Aulus laughing]
[trunk thuds]
[dog barking]
[car door clicks]
[key clicking]
[car engine revving]
[Nurse Meow crying]
What?
[Perceval laughing]
It's no possible!
[Perceval laughing]
- Your heart was not true, sir.
You cheated like a bitch!
- Honor schmoner my people are conquerors!
- [chuckles] Step aside, sir,
least you soil your
robes in your disgrace.
I'll show you what it
means to be true of heart.
[Aulus scoffs]
Trapped not sweet pussy,
your savior is here.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Perceval grunting]
Oh, what?
[Nurse Meow crying]
[grunting] Ah, but this cannot be.
The land cannot be without a king!
- There is no hope.
None are worthy.
None are free from sin.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[funky music]
[ominous music]
This land is baron, and
broken, tattered, and torn.
And these wank stains
that would be king are utterly unworthy.
The land is doomed.
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
[gear whirring]
[Aulus laughing]
[sword taps]
[Aulus grunts]
- Fucking hell it's bastard freezing!
Any of you got a towel?
- 'Tis the lady of the lake!
- Aye, aye.
[Perceval grunting]
- I am Aulus, son of..
- All right there, sunshine,
I don't give a toss.
Oh, look a baby wolf.
[Perceval grunting]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Go, get on.
[Perceval grunting]
[Apostle gasps]
[body pops]
[triumphant music]
You all right, love?
[Nurse Meow meows]
All this for a little pussy.
- Bow before your new queen.
[fast tempo dramatic music]
- Thank you, Lady of the
Lake for rescuing Nurse Meow.
How long would she have stuck there
if it wasn't for her? [giggles]
Now on to another rescue story,
"Alley Cat Of The SS".
Now let's travel back
in time to World War II.
Can you imagine if Nurse
Meow was captured by the SS?
Well, that is this story.
[brooding music]
[dramatic music]
- Mein feline.
Where is the location of herr Dr. Dilf?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
They say a cat has nine lives,
let's see how many it takes to break you.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
[razor buzzing]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Mein feline, I told you,
[clothes ripping]
[Nurse Meow cries]
you would break.
You will break.
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
[Nurse Meow crying]
Now you've seen the
power of the Third Reich.
We will find herr Dr. Dilf.
[Nurse Meow whimpering]
["Ride of The Valkyries"]
- Fuck this pisspot.
Bonk!
Take that Fritz!
- Yes, we will try and find
the location of herr Dr. Dilf.
But mein feline she's
stronger than she seems.
Get word back to the
fatherland of what is happened.
- Ay, bang!
[club thuds]
Master race my bleached asshole!
You porky door knob jockey!
And you've better have kept your
bratwurst and lederhosen as well Jerry!
or I'll be back with an
even bigger rubber cock!
Ms. Meow! I'm coming!
Don't worry my dear, I'm here to
heist you from this nasty bit of fuckery.
Come on.
- I am sorry that was truly
disturbing. [chuckles]
And on to a lighter note, "Kittynip".
Now join me on this trip into "Kittynip".
[birds chirping]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[Nurse Meow meows]
[slow tempo rock music]
Well, that was a bit of a psychotic trip.
On to something a bit more psychotic.
Let me introduce you to "Hatred".
This is a father son story
and a very, very bizarre
night with Nurse Meow.
[ominous music]
[Nurse Meow panting]
[door clicks]
[Frank laughing]
[Frank laughing]
- Have you had a nice day here?
You've been entertaining yourself?
'Cause you should have.
Because you weren't going
to entertain me, were you?
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You are a dike.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
That's all you are.
Yeah, hiss at me all you like,
but you are not getting away from here.
You are going to give me some fun.
I am just going to have fun with you
and it's going to be brilliant.
But you don't know what you
haven't had yet. [laughing]
I've got something for you.
I know what you want.
I know precisely what you want.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You want pussy!
Pussy wants you. [laughing]
Yes, and this is pussy
is going to torment you
and this pussy is going places
where you want it to go.
Hey, yes, you like this pussy. [laughing]
Kitty and I am going to make
sure
I have what I want.
And you, you are going
to regret saying no.
[laughs] Yes, yes, hiss, go on hiss.
Ahhhh!
Kitty. [laughing]
[Nurse Meow hissing]
Ha, you can't get outta this.
You are not going to.
And I might invite someone
else,
not just pussy.
Pussy likes you.
Do you like pussy?
Know you do.
You do like pussy don't you?
[laughing]
Pussy wants to play.
Pussy wants to play. [laughing]
[laughing] You, you wait there.
Just wait there.
Don't move. [laughing]
Hi, son, you know that women
who played up last night?
Yeah, yeah. Well, I just thought
you might want to come over.
Yeah, yeah, it's a surprise.
Yeah, well, put it this way,
lightning never strikes twice.
Okay, see you soon.
And how do you like that?
[laughing]
[Frank laughing]
[Frank hissing]
[Frank laughs]
The knock.
The knock.
Come in.
Come in. [laughing]
See?
- [Larry] What's have you done?
- What have I done?
What I said I was going to do.
Look, we spoke last night.
She dissed us, so therefore
I just got her to come over.
- You silly cunt, why?
- No, because I keep my promises.
That's all I'm saying.
- You just leave them be.
- Yeah, she, she is going to be very good.
We felt that last night, didn't we?
We saw her in the bar and we
said she had to be the one.
- Yeah.
- So she's the one.
She's here.
- Yes, she is.
[Frank laughing]
Cunt.
- Stand up.
So she's-
- You've done it now.
- [Frank] All ours.
Well, she can't leave, can she?
'Cause she's seen too much.
She knows too much.
So therefore she's just there. [laughing]
- [Larry] I don't think it's
a good idea to untie her.
[Frank laughing]
- Look at this. [laughs]
[Nurse Meow hisses]
You know what these are for? [laughing]
You do, don't you?
You know exactly what these are.
So we'll just do that.
And we'll do that.
- [Larry] I don't think it's a good idea.
[Frank groaning]
[foot thuds]
Jeez.
[club thuds]
[Frank groans]
[suspenseful music]
[club thuds]
[Larry groans]
- What are you doing?
[hammer thuds]
[Frank groans]
[body thuds]
[brooding music]
[birds chirping]
[Larry and Frank laughing]
And well, I trimmed on the sides.
Taken the sides off.
[Frank chattering]
[nose sniffing]
[Frank sighs]
[nose sniffing]
[nose sniffing]
[Frank grunting]
You wanna try some?
- Nah.
- Please try.
- It's bad for you.
- [scoffs] It's not bad for you.
- I don't.
- It's good.
- That's a no.
- Gives you a good mental attitude.
Really nice.
You should try it.
You haven't tried it, how would you know?
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, oh.
- Don't stare.
- It's a bit difficult not to stare when.
Well, why don't you go over to her?
I can't.
- Oh, come on, son.
Look, it's about time you had a girlfriend.
- But I can't.
- Well, at least you haven't
brought any boys back.
Oh, just go and talk to her.
- I wanna see how the
master, master actor at work.
- Ah.
- You get all of the girls.
- Oh, wankers.
I'll see if she wants some of this.
Ah, excuse me.
Would you like some try some?
No?
She don't want any.
- That's good.
- Yeah, well, you know.
Are you sure you're not
gonna go over there?
- Can't, I'm too shy.
- [sighs] Uh, hi.
It's really nice here isn't it?
So do you come here often?
It's quite a nice place.
Yeah.
Do you find it a bit cold in that top?
Really nice, very, yeah, and
nice, nice tattoos as well.
Really nice tattoos.
Your, your ears are nice.
I like the ears.
They're really neat.
And, and, and, the hair is that natural?
It a really dark color.
It's is, it's natural.
All right, so it matches downstairs then?
Just wondering.
My, my son's over there.
He, he's, he's really interested.
Hello, son.
He's, he's really interested.
He actually sent me over here
because he's a bit shy.
Uh, but, uh, so maybe we could,
you know, go back to our house.
Getting a bit chilly here, you know.
I'm sure, you know,
we'll probably make it worthwhile as well.
I've got, would cash be fine?
You'll be up for that surely.
No.
Ah, everyone's up for that.
Yeah, you'll be fine.
Once you're done it the first time I
understand it's quite easy to just do it.
So you know, you, you just
make sure you're happy
and we can make you very comfortable.
And obviously send you
home in a taxi afterwards,
after we've all had a bit of fun.
Got plenty of white stuff as well.
That's really good actually.
It's really good sauce I've got.
So yeah, I think, I
think you'll like that.
I think you'd really do.
So yeah, I think you, ah!
[ominous music]
[heavy breathing]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[whips slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
I'm sorry.
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunts]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank groaning]
[Frank groaning]
[knife tapping]
[Frank grunting]
[Larry gasps]
[Frank grunts]
[foot stomps]
[Frank groaning]
[Frank grunts]
- You stupid cunt.
[Nurse Meow hissing]
You fucking twat.
Piss off.
Cunt.
Come near me and I'll
fucking bite your leg.
I'll bite your fucking
leg you come near me.
[Frank grunting]
I'll bite you.
Take that thing away from me.
[Larry grunts]
[whip slaps]
Hit me again.
Fucking bite you.
Twat.
[Frank grunting]
Come near me, I fucking dare you.
[Frank grunting]
Cunt.
[Larry groans]
[Frank grunting]
Get away.
Twat, I'll fucking slice,
slice your fucking tits off!
You cunt, slice your tits off!
[Frank grunting]
[Nurse Meow spits]
[Frank grunts]
Piece of shit.
[Larry spits]
[Frank grunting]
[hand slaps]
[Frank groans]
Twat.
[Frank grunting]
[Nurse Meow giggling]
[Frank grunting]
- I'm sorry.
[Frank grunting]
I'm sorry.
We shouldn't have done this to you.
What do you want me to say?
What, what?
What?
[hand slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Nurse Meow spits]
- [Larry] Cunt, you disgust me.
Bitch.
- [Frank] Shh, don't pry her.
- Fuck her.
Oh, get away from me.
- [Frank] She could do anything.
- [Larry] Like what?
- [Frank] Well, you
can't see what I can see.
- I will fucking slice her up.
Gonna get her.
I'll fucking kill you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll fucking stab you
in your fucking face.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll cut your fucking face off.
- [Frank] Do you want your
mouth filled with that?
- I will fucking shove
that up your fucking ass.
Keep away from me you stupid bitch.
Get away.
Fuck that.
Get away from me.
- [Frank] I can't see.
Larry, what's, what's
happening over there?
- She's got a massive cock here.
[Frank grunting]
[hand tapping]
Keep that away.
God, that stinks.
[Frank grunting]
[Larry gagging]
[Larry spitting]
[Larry spitting]
[Frank grunting]
[suspenseful music]
Cunt.
Get lost. [groans]
Piece of shit.
[Larry panting]
[Frank grunting]
[knife thuds]
[Larry gurgling]
[Larry gasping]
[Frank grunting]
[hammer thuds]
[Frank groaning]
[body thuds]
[Frank grunts]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank grunting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[whip slaps]
[Frank groans]
[Frank panting]
[whip slaps]
[Frank grunts]
[whip thuds]
[Frank grunting]
[Frank choking]
[Frank choking]
[Frank grunting]
- No, no, please.
Please, no.
[Frank gagging]
[Frank gagging]
[hand tapping]
[tense suspenseful music]
[hand tapping]
[Frank gagging]
[suspenseful music]
[door clicks]
[door bangs]
[upbeat music]
[screen buzzing]
[upbeat music]
- Have you even getting enough pleasure
out of your useless husband?
No?
What a shocker.
But not as shocking as
this, uh, new dildo.
Presenting Killdo.
Created and possessed by
your very own mass murderer.
No, not you.
No.
Anyway, on a serious note
this does not require any batteries
as it's alive and I mean alive.
You're bored on a Sunday morning,
turn it into a sinday morning,
and just, fuck, fuck, fuck away.
Buy now and get a free sacrificial kit
to make your hours of fun last longer,
unlike your husband.
How much does this cost?
Of course 6 sexy 6.
[Kitty Kiss laughing]
We're rolling?
Yeah, okay.
Sorry about that.
Technical difficulties.
Anyway, back to our regular programming.
On to our next short.
Let me introduce you to "Dreamies".
This short is X-rated.
If you're not comfortable
with that, why are you here?
This has lots of animation, Nurse Spanks,
and a lot of drool.
[slow tempo piano music]
[woman moaning]
[tongue sloshing]
[woman moaning]
[woman panting]
[woman moaning]
[seagulls squawking]
[mouth slurping]
[mouth pops]
[woman moaning]
[Nurse Spanks snoring]
[woman moaning]
[mouth slurping]
[seagulls squawking]
[woman giggling]
[woman giggling]
[Nurse Spanks snoring]
[slow piano music]
Nurse
Meow
And Nurse Spanks
In love
Oh, ah, oh, ah
Moo
Can still feel the tentacles?
Anyway, on to our musical number.
This is also called "Calling Nurse Meow"
by Ratty the Sly.
[gentle music]
[slow tempo upbeat music]
I'm calling Nurse Meow
Nah, fuck it, I'm calling a hearse now
Calling a hearse now
Two birds one stone, one stone
Stuck a scalpel in my
neck, I bleed so long
Bleed so long
Feel the curse in
your bone alone, alone
Only the sword hurt
you more, hurt you more
Steal the king's throne,
king's throne to set the tone
Or should I say your
broken cheerily December pa
What's whole is the head cry
of love, the head cries of
Lust, that power black
hat, power black hat
I see life by the light of fly
And laughter know what
I stay, I stay, I stay,
I stay, I stay, I stay
I really hope you
enjoyed our meow-thology.
And now on to some special thanks,
Joe Cash, Kaylan Jordan-Sen,
John W.T, Jason Impey,
last but not least, Dan Urban.
Thank you everyone else who was part
of making this lovely movie.
Until next time, darlings,
I've been your seductive host, Kitty Kiss.
[lips smack]
[gentle music]
[slow tempo upbeat music]
I'm calling Nurse Meow
Nah, fuck it, I'm calling hearse now
Calling a hearse now
Two birds one stone, one stone
Stuck a scalpel in my
neck, I bleed so long
Bleed so long
Feel the curse in
your bone alone, alone
Only the sword hurt
you more, hurt you more
Seal the king's throne,
king's throne to set the tone
Or should I say your
broken cheerily December pa
What's whole is the head cry
of love, the head cries of
Lust, that power black
hat, power black hat
I see life by the light of a fly
And laughter know what
I stay, I stay, I stay,
I stay, I stay, I stay
[slow tempo piano music]
Nurse
Meow
And Nurse Spanks
In love
Oh, ah
Oh, ah
Moo