Camp Nowhere (1994) Movie Script
[Birds Chirping]
~~Hey, hey, hey~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
- ~~Nowhere~~
- [Children Laughing]
[Man] If your son goes to
Camp Microchipewa, he'll learn
more than just computer skills.
How about basketball?
That's right.
Learn to shoot like Akeem and the Shaq, once
counselor Dave shows you the trajectory.
If you're hungry,
Fridays are international fiesta days...
featuring foods from
all over the world...
including this favorite
from Italy... pizza.
Whoops! It's awards day already.
The summer sure has flown by.
At Microchipewa, you'll leave
with good friends, good memories...
and a better understanding
of the job skills of the future.
That's right.
Who says computers have to be boring?
At Microchipewa Computer Camp,
we say that computers are really not... boring.
Boy, I wish they had camps
like that when I was a kid.
Sounds great,
huh, Morris?
- [Woman] It sounds fantastic!
- I'm in hell. Shoot me.
- [Bell Ringing]
- So, did you decide about camp yet?
That guy from MicroCamp
swears they're getting CD-ROMs
with double-speed interfaces.
- Sounds excellent, huh, Mud?
- Yo, dog breath... stay!
Not you, Walter.
I want Mud.
- You're not supposed to
be in this hallway, pud.
- Pud!
- Come on, stop it.
- What a dork!
Hands off, Tim.
This little turd is mine.
You need a bath, man,
in the porcelain jacuzzi.
[Gasps]
Don't let anybody in.
[Bell Ringing]
All right, midget.
You got it?
[Toilet Flushing]
[Gasps, Whispers]
Damn!
Here. You read The Red Badge of Courage
by Stephen Crane.
I analyzed his depiction
of the Civil War.
Uh, so who
do I say won?
- You went for the North.
- Okay.
- Anyway, I say it's good for a C+, easy.
- Cool.
But make the next one
a "B."
So, how you doin', Mud?
[Sighs]
I'm okay.
That musclehead in gym class tried to
hang me up by my underwear again.
Wayne Fletcher? Don't worry.
I've got him covered. Okay, let's do it.
Zack, do we have to?
Look, Mud, I've told you a thousand times.
I've got a reputation.
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Oh-ho, Zack! Please stop it! Oh!
Please, don't stick
my head in the toilet.
I won't use
the hallway again.
Stylin', Mud.
Yup. It's that
"just flushed" look.
- Looks good.
- [Horn Honks]
- Call me later.
- Okay. Bye.
- Call me later.
- Bye.
[Sighs] If that idiot Epstein gives us
another grammar quiz...
I swear I'm gonna wind up in
English as a Second Language.
Or take it over
in summer school.
- I'm already going to summer school.
- Another computer camp?
Yup. My parents won't be happy
till I'm the poster child for
the "Adopt a Dork Foundation."
Yeah, well, better than Camp Broadway.
"Did you get that Clearasil commercial?"
"Well, I'm up for Spaghetti-O's
Extra Meaty." Tres dull.
Oh, Gaby, when's your mom
leaving for the islands?
Right after she puts me
on the bus to Camp Slenderella.
- Oh, gross! Celery sticks and rice cakes again?
- Prison food.
I'll mail you a Twinkie.
- Thanks for waiting, guys.
- Yeah, well, you were busy with
your new delinquent friends.
- Trish, we're not delinquent friends!
- Oh, yeah?
Then how come you get sent to military camp
every summer? 'Cause you like the haircuts?
You know my dad.
"Builds character, Zachary."
- "It's for your own good, Gab."
- "But, Trish, all the other kids are going."
- Wait, how 'bout this one? "It'll be fun."
- Yeah.
Can you believe what Arnold brought
to school today? It was disgusting.
- [Gaby] It was degrading.
- [Zack] That was cool! That was really cool!
- That was so gross.
- [Trish] He needs help.
But, Morris,
it'll be fun.
Dad, all those computer camps
are nerd rehab centers.
I just want to play baseball.
Have some real fun.
The DOS tutorial isn't fun?
[Chuckling]
Come on.
Look, I wouldn't steer you wrong.
I know you think I'm an old fogey
but your old man still knows how to cut loose.
Look, Morris, they have those low-fat,
sugar-free macaroons.
[Man] Not only the best tasting,
pasteurized, processed, non-dairy imitation...
semi-cheese product...
but also
the healthiest.
Now, I'm not a licensed physician,
but I've been to my share of free clinics.
Each serving of Miracle Cheese
contains no sodium, no glucose...
no "mucose" and absolutely
no cholesterol.
Let's talk about
breadstick safety.
Your basic sesame breadstick.
No, it looks harmless enough.
But what if you lose control
at high speeds?
- [Woman Gasps]
- [Cheese Man] Easy Cheese comes in these...
- Now, Morris, I don't want to be
one of those pushy parents.
- It's too late.
Now, what is that supposed
to mean, young man?
- What if I don't want to go
to computer camp?
- Morris, there are plenty...
- of things I'd rather do with $3,000.
- Me too.
- Havarti and Gorgonzola!
- Come on.
Wait a minute!
You are thinking...
cheese with... fish.
- [People Gasping, Laughing]
- Baa-aad.
- [Dad] Morris!
- Well, let's go right to the source.
- [People Laughing]
- Is it just me, or it dry in here?
Thank you very much.
Be kind to
your waitress.
Good night, everybody.
- Morris.
- Not the "potential" thing again?
But that's just what you've got:
Potential.
Anyway, so after all that,
he lays the money guilt thing on me.
- You know, camps cost thousands of dollars.
- Yeah.
I say, give me the money, I'll buy a Harley
and I'll be outta your way the whole summer.
- With that kind of money,
we could just rent our own camp.
- I'd buy a new wardrobe.
- I'd buy The Gap.
- Whoa! Whoa! What'd you say?
Oh, I said, for that kind of money,
we could rent our own camp.
- It's brilliant!
- It's deranged!
- It's suicide.
- Besides, we need an adult to pull it off.
- But we're adults, one for each camp.
- And one really twisted one.
- Who's gonna rent a cabin...
- What'd you just say?
Did you guys hear about the guy
who taught drama before Mr. Ellison?
Yeah, my sister had him.
Tres bizarre, she said.
He tried to do
Silence of the Lambs as a musical.
Anyway, he got fired
and left town.
Yeah, well, he got fired, but
I'm not so sure he left town.
[Gaby]
The cheese guy?
Okay, let's do it. Mud.
[Sighs]
Hi.
Can I help you?
Yeah, uh...
Is your name Dennis Van Welker?
- No. Just inspectin' the hinges here.
- [Brushing Hinges]
Look at that.
Low carbon content.
- Uh, ooh. Are you sure your
name isn't Dennis Van Welker?
- [Gargling]
- [Spits Out Toothpaste]
- He used to be a drama teacher
at King Junior High.
There are no drama teachers
living here.
I mean, I'm assuming the guy's gotta be,
what, five, six feet long.
[Chuckles]
So I'd have seen him.
Why don't you step inside? Now.
Don't make a sound.
Shh. It's show time.
Kid, I think you're sittin' on my teeth.
Quick, gimme, gimme, gimme. Come on.
Your teeth?
Sick! Gross!
Hey, kid,
I owe ya one.
Van Welker!
You in there?
Van Welker!
Van Welker!
[Speaking With Country Accent]
Who the hell are you?
Dennis Van Welker?
Well, glad
to meet you, Dennis.
The name's T.R. Polk.
I'm looking for Dennis Van Welker.
And according to my information,
you're him.
Sorry, man.
Roland J. Orlando.
Wait a minute!
I bought this here trailer
from a feller named Van Welker.
Yeah? Did this Van Welker have a "caar"?
Well, I guess he must've to pull the trailer.
[Chuckles]
In 1979, Dennis Van Welker bought
a Caribbean yellow Gremlin...
from Rasmunsen's AMC-Jeep
in Columbus, Ohio.
- A yellow Gremlin?
- He signed a contract for 48 equal payments...
of $121.43.
He made five.
We're still lookin' for the other 43.
- God! What a swine!
- Hey, come on.
Last year, Rasmunsen
sold the debt...
to Bulldog Collections;
that's me.
- Well, Mr. Bulldog.
- Polk. T.R. Polk.
I retire in October.
When I go, I'm goin' with a perfect record.
So no piss-yellow coupe is gonna
keep me out of the hall of fame.
- [Whistle Blowing]
- Now, what's in the shed?
Look, I really should be gettin'
down to the plant.
[Speaking With Country Accent]
Dad! Dad! Oh, nellie, Dad! It's an emergency!
Uh, the plant just called.
Number three turbine's out of alignment.
Hold your horses there,
Alphonse.
Can't you see I'm helping
this man find a missing car?
Not here.
Of course it ain't.
Sorry about the door.
- Your kid, huh?
- Yup. Heir to the throne.
Well, Van Welker
had no children.
That's a tragedy.
Well, if he turns up, give me a call.
I'd appreciate it.
- So would the Ohio State Police.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Gaby] Don't hit him, Zack.
- I won't.
- [Horn Honking]
- [Gasps]
You know, you really oughta get the Club.
Any idiot can hot-wire a Gremlin.
What do you want from me?
The car was a dog.
Late at night, I used to hear it barking in
the driveway. [Imitates Barking]
Mr. Van Welker,
we don't care about the car.
How would you like
to make $1,000?
A thousand bucks.
Ha!
Chicken feed! Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go call my broker.
- I'm sorry?
- Polk's phone number, Mr. Van Welker.
Oh, I get it.
Shakedown time.
And people say kids today
lack ambition.
[Chuckles]
A thousand bucks, you say?
Hmm.
Mr. Himmel? Dennis Wozniak,
Binary Pines Computer Camp.
Been expecting ya.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- Hey, nice sweater.
- [Chuckling]
In today's job market, you've got to
master the skills of tomorrow, now.
For instance, 379 of the
Fortune 500 companies...
use exactly the same
Novell netware release that we teach.
Here, Mr. Grotowski.
Of course, you should know that our Trish
takes her precious horses pretty seriously.
Acting, Dad! This is theater camp.
Caitlin goes to riding camp.
Of course.
It does sound
interesting, Jerzy.
But she's been so happy at Lake Broadway,
and I think it's...
I don't know,
prestigious.
[Eastern European Accent]
Oh, it is fine program, Mrs. Prescott.
More than adequate.
But how deep can you go
in, uh, six weeks?
At Camp Sleek-Away,
we believe there are no fat people.
There's fat,
and there's people.
- Look, whatever dumb diet
you guys use, it won't work.
- Shh.
She's right.
Diets don't work.
- Chocolate cake works.
- [Scoffs]
Well, it sounds like
a hell of an operation, Savage...
but as I said on the phone, Zachary will be
going back to Camp Steelgrave.
Well, Mr. Dell,
if you're happy with, uh...
Weepy's results...
I won't waste
your time.
Weepy?
Just a nickname
Sergeant Steelgrave picked up in 'Nam.
Isn't that interesting,
Morris?
- You should look up "interesting"
in the dictionary, Dad.
- Morris.
You know, Morris, if you were
an ordinary kid, it wouldn't matter so much.
But you've got such...
- potential.
- [Laughs]
And that is why our season
runs two weeks longer.
- She'd be gone for eight weeks?
- I know it is long time to be separated.
That means we wouldn't have to come back
from Europe until...
When's Parents' Day?
August?
At Shakespeare Hollow,
we do not have Parents' Day.
We feel it encourages
independence.
Say no more, Jerzy.
I think we just have to do
what's right for our little girl.
- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.
- It's fantastic!
- This is great cake!
- [Mumbling] It's very unusual.
I'll be right back.
- God, what'd you do?
- Yours is Betty Crocker.
Hers is raw
liver paste.
So if it tastes like poison,
it must be diet food.
[Phone Ringing]
Son, are you deaf or just stupid?
Answer that phone!
I'm busy.
Get it yourself.
Answer it
or eat it, boy.
- [Ringing Continues]
- I see Weepy's worked wonders.
At Alpha Charlie,
we scrape 'em down to bare metal.
And it's worth it
when they look up at you and say...
"Dad was right, Major Savage. I am scum."
Answer the phone,
son.
- Yes, sir.
- [Ringing Continues]
- Dell residence.
- How's it goin'?
Check or plastic?
- Cash.
- Mission accomplished.
- We're in.
- [Together] Yes!
[Trish]
"Feln's Miracle Spa"?
- [Morris] Yeah, I found it in the newspaper.
- Where? In the obituaries?
Trust me.
It's perfect.
So that's two cabins for the summer.
Am I right?
- If you want more, you gotta call me in Florida.
- So, I don't get it.
- Who built those tepees
and painted that weird bus?
- Ahhh!
That's interesting.
In the late '60s, a bunch of hippies...
made this place
into a commune.
You know, there was all sorts of
sex and drugs and debauchery.
I knew I'd
been here before.
- You mean you did that stuff here?
- No. Not here.
You won't regret this,
Mr. Bandersnatch.
You're in for the most peaceful,
relaxing summer...
of your whole lives.
- [Rumbling]
- [Gasping]
That was the Pineview
Air Force Base.
The 5... 15 flyby,
they call it.
You get used to it.
You get used to it.
Then you miss it when it doesn't happen.
[Chuckles]
- So we should just take the Greyhound.
- The bus?
- Why can't we rent a limo?
- You know what'd be cool?
We should hitchhike.
Yeah. That would be really cool.
And then we should just leave our pictures
behind for them to put on the milk cartons.
- Hey, guys, I've been checking
out the train schedules.
- [Doorbell Ringing]
Hold on a second.
I'll be right back.
- Hitchhike?
- Stupid.
Walter. Hi.
- Pretty slick, Mud.
- What?
I know what you're doing, Mud. That
computer camp you said you were going to;
There's no such camp.
Walter, if you tell anyone,
I'm gonna glue your mouth shut!
Look, I won't tell.
Not as long as you let me come.
- No.
- Okay. If I don't go, you don't go.
All right.
But you can't tell anyone.
I won't.
Walter, who'd you tell?
- Just Betty Stoller. You know,
the redhead girl in Bio Lab.
- You idiot!
- Come on, at her old camp,
they used to go skinny-dippin'.
- [Trish] No way!
I am not sharing a sink
with Betty Stoller!
I mean, she has food
stuck in her braces from last Christmas.
You're all in on this.
Walter, if you tell anybody
else, you're dead meat!
- Look, I won't tell.
- Uh-oh.
What? What?
Betty Stoller.
- Hi, Mud.
- [All] Hi, Mud.
- We're definitely going to need a bus.
- Yeah.
Wooo!
Yeah!
All right!
Wooo!
~~ Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss
and I'm gonna raise a holler ~~
~~ 'Cause I've been workin'
all summerjust tryin'to raise a dollar ~~
- ~~ Every time I call my baby
I try to get a date ~~
- Way cool.
- ~~ The boss says "No dice, son
You gotta work late" ~~
- Fresh.
- ~~ Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a-gonna do ~~
- [Chanting] Jump! Jump!
~~ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ~~
- [Shouting]
- [Kids Cheering]
Here I go!
[Screaming]
[Dennis]
Welcome to your own...
personal slice of paradise,
Mudster.
- So where you gonna be?
In the cabin by the lake?
- You betcha.
- See ya in eight weeks.
- All right.
Hey!
Have fun.
See ya.
~~ Gonna take two weeks
Gonna have a fine vacation ~~
~~ I'm gonna take my problem
to the United Nations ~~
~~ Well, I asked my congressman
He said quote ~~
- [Sighs]
- ~~ "I'd like to help you, son
but you're too young to vote"~~
~~ Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a-gonna do ~~
~~ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ~~
~~ Oh, yeah ~~
~~ Summertime blues ~~
~~ Oh, yeah ~~
- ~~ Summertime blues ~~
- [Chattering]
- Yo!
- [Chattering Continues]
- Hey, listen up, people!
- [Chattering Continues]
- Hey, shut up!
- [Gasps]
There's some important
stuff I gotta tell ya.
Mud.
Okay.
There's three important
things I need to say.
Louder!
[Chuckles]
Number one: Letters home to your parents,
once a week, so they don't get suspicious;
and two: If anybody in town asks,
you don't speak English;
and three: Guys, this is
very important, all right?
Please, report to me immediately
if anybody finds a Taco Bell, all right?
- [5... 15 Flyby]
- [Gasping]
Oh, I, uh...
forgot one thing.
[Boy]
Try rubbing them together.
- Maybe if you get it warm first.
- Will you just let me work?
It's getting late, Walter!
[Grunts]
- Is it too late to go to a motel?
- What if we can't get it going?
- There. Got it.
- [All Sighing]
- Thank God!
- Yeah, that was close.
If I don't see Dylan,
I die.
I wanna make a toast.
Here is to diet shakes.
- [All Cheering]
- Yeah!
And I say here's to
Rodgers and Hammerstein.
[All Cheering]
Here's to swimming.
Right, Betty?
[All Laughing,
Scoffing]
I gotta say...
- This is major cool! Yes!
- [All Cheering]
All right!
It's gonna be
a great summer.
[Boy]
Here's to computer manuals.
[All Shouting]
[Boy]
Here's to anything with bran!
[Boy]
Hey, Steve, throw in your cello.
[All Chanting]
Cello! Cello! Cello! Cello!
Yes! Yes!
[All Whooping]
[Chanting]
Nowhere! Nowhere!
[All Chanting]
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
[All Cheering,
Shouting]
[Crickets Chirping]
[Walter]
Got you, Betty.
I wasn't playing,
Walter.
- Hey, you're it. I got you.
- Shut up, Walter!
- Come on, Betty. I got you.
- Shut up. No way.
- It's 2:00 in the morning.
- Cool.
[All Shouting]
- [Zack] Hey, Trish, watch this.
- [Boy] Stay away from me!
[Shouting Continues]
[Banging]
- [Steve] Ow! I hit something.
- [Gaby] What is it?
- It's a car!
- What a wreck!
- It's not a wreck. It's a classic.
- A classic?
Yeah, we could rebuild the whole thing.
But it's gonna cost.
How much money
we got, Mud?
Well, I didn't exactly
count it or anything.
- [Gasps]
- Geez, Mud, how much you got in there?
It's a lot. It's everybody's money for
the whole summer. I thought I'd hold on till...
Yeah, right. I think I'll just hold
onto my own, midget.
No, Tim, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
- [Together] Money, Mud.
- Money, Mud.
[Together]
Money, Mud. Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
[All Chattering]
Look, you, guys. Come on.
Be careful how you spend it because
it's gotta last through summer.
Besides, we don't want to call
attention to ourselves.
We're not gonna do
anything stupid.
I mean, we're not
complete morons.
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ lf I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ~~
Aw, guys! That goes in Mud's cabin.
Come on.
- ~~ I live by the groove ~~
- Aw, great!
- It's better than the cello.
- Definitely!
Take it straight
on up, okay?
I don't know, Betty.
Didn't Mud say to keep a low profile?
Well, no one'll find us
if we're inside watching TV.
Well, gee, don't ya wanna do some swimmin'?
The lake's really warm this time of year.
No, I don't wanna do
any swimming.
Nice one, guys. Ever think about
how you're gonna get it inside?
- [Chain Saw Starting]
- Who ordered the chain saw?
~~ It's the law, baby
It's the golden rule ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ Hey, hey, hey
Ahhh ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ lf I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ~~~~
- [Laughing]
- [Mud] Geez, you guys!
[Tim] Here, I'll give it back to you.
Oops, oops, oops, oh.
[Tim Chuckling]
Nice hat, pud.
- You wanna go shoot some hoops?
- So I can kick your butt.
- I'll get your hat back later.
- Thanks.
You remember how Tim used to cry when we
wouldn't let him pitch in Little League?
- Yeah, yeah, I do...
- He was a lot easier to deal with
before he had that growth spurt.
[Trish]
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Trish.
- Hey.
Um, there's a 30%% off sale at the mall.
You guys want anything?
The mall?
Again?
You guys are never gonna make it
through the summer...
if you keep spending all
your money on clothes.
[Radio]
- [Tightening Bolt]
- So, I don't get it.
How come you're fixing a car
if you can't drive?
In Tijuana you can drive
when you're 14.
Oh, right. They're gonna let you get out
of class early to take Driver's Ed in Mexico?
Who said I was
gonna be in school?
You're dropping out?
Maybe.
Why?
Would you miss me?
No.
No, huh?
Well, maybe.
Maybe?
No.
Hmph!
- [Bangs Car]
- Damn!
- Honey, this one's from Morris.
- Oh, read it out loud.
[Chuckling] "Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm having a great time at computer camp.
- And you were right, Dad."
- [Mud] I'm learning lots of
valuable skills for the future.
[Both Shouting,
Laughing]
"We're currently hard at work on some
challenging high-level computer simulations."
Scramble the jets.
We're taking out Milwaukee.
- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!
- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!
But Grandma lives
in Milwaukee.
[Together]
Milwaukee!
[Mud] You wouldn't believe
how hard we work up here.
We really get hungry, so they always feed us
a long, long lunch.
[All Shouting]
~~ Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ~~
- ~~ And the world will turn
to floating papers too ~~
- All right.
- ~~ Waa-aaah ~~
- [Shouting]
Don't... even...
think about it.
- [Laughs]
- Walter!
[Mr. Himmel, Mud Together]
"Today's July Fourth, but don't worry, Mom.
We won't be playing
with caps or sparklers."
[Mud] We'll sing patriotic
songs and watch a film about
the Declaration of Independence.
~~Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ~~
~~And the world will turn
to floating papers too ~~
- [All Shouting]
- Yeah!
Check this out.
Banzai!
Fire!
- ~~ Party at ground zero ~~
- Wooo!
- Light me.
- [Mud] I'll write more next week.
- Got it.
- Got it.
- Your son, Mud.
- ~~ Waa-aah ~~
- Ow!
- [Girl] Mud! Mud!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I just burned my arm.
Who would think something like
this could happen from harmless
flares and Roman candles?
- You know, Mud, that looks bad.
- Yeah, you really need a doctor.
No, you guys. If we call a doctor,
he's gonna call my mom
and we're gonna blow the summer.
- Look, get Dennis, all right?
- Yeah.
Oh, Jesus. If this is serious, Mud,
I'm taking you home.
My mama didn't raise no fools.
Oh, except my brother Todd.
He burns hair out of his nose
with fireplace matches. Todd's... special.
Look, Dennis, I told you,
it's an extra 50 bucks.
Keep your money, pal.
Concussions and second degree burns on me.
Uh, uh. Hold still. Hold still.
Won't be another minute.
Take your time, Dr. Dunbar.
I've still gotta find six weasels in this picture.
Oooh, there's one.
We do have other magazines.
There's Newsweek somewhere.
Oh.
Mideast peace talks.
Yeah. Twelve weasels
hidden in that one.
So, Morris,
how did this happen?
Not playing with fireworks,
by any chance?
No. I burned it
on the stove making breakfast.
Ah. Yes. Those Fourth ofJuly breakfasts,
very hazardous.
Well, I think
we can save the hand.
But I'm gonna need to see you again.
Say, Tuesday?
Bye, Mud.
Feel better.
You know, we are supposed to report
firework injuries to the police.
- No. Really?
- Yeah.
- The stove is ancient.
- Thought about a microwave?
- Can't do it. Cat's got a pacemaker.
- Look, I don't know much about...
I don't know much about stoves, but I do know
something about second-degree burns.
Yeah, well, what do you know about
raisin' a kid alone?
What do you know about holding down two
jobs so your kids get the breaks you didn't?
I mean, do you and your husband
even have children?
I'm not married.
What are you getting at?
I'm not sure.
Frankly, I kinda lost the thread there myself.
Tuesday, you say?
Yeah.
Tuesday.
- I'll bring Mud along.
- Good idea.
Now, don't forget to take your pills, young un.
Four, every hour.
Uh, Dennis, that's one
every four hours.
Get outta here. Let me see that.
What are you talkin'...
Whoa.
[Chuckles]
Not the first time
that mistake's got me in trouble.
Are you sure you don't wanna come in?
We're all gonna watch Beavis and Butt-head.
- [Kids Chattering]
- [Laughs]
You know,
back in the '60s...
when we said we wanted
to change society...
maybe we should have
been more specific.
- Hello, Officer.
- Trooper Elliot Hendricks.
Uh, howdy.
I'm, uh... Phlurm.
Cy Phlurm.
Uh, with a "P-H."
What can I do for you,
Officer?
- Well, Mr., uh, Phlurm.
- Phlurm.
We've had some reports of a gang
of unruly kids in the area.
I thought I'd come check it out.
- Do you mind if we talk?
- Oh, not at all.
Uh, Rudolph,
go inside.
Put on some coffee and, uh, clean up
a little bit, okay?
Okay, Dad.
I had a report of a fireworks display,
some loud music...
Mrs. Levinson found paint splattered
on her new garage door.
Probably a couple
of rowdy kids.
Gosh, Officer, it's just me and Rudy
renting the lodge here.
Rudy's no rowdy.
But, hey, if I can help with anything else.
I'd still like to ask your son a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Oh, no, no, not at all.
[Groans] Jesus.
- [Kids Chattering]
- Shh.
- [Chattering Stops]
- [Mud] Coffee's on, Dad.
I won't take up much of your time.
Son, some folks reported hearin' fireworks...
down by the lake
on the Fourth.
- You know anything about that?
- Uh, no, Officer. I... Mm-mmm.
Uh-huh.
I'll bet you don't know anything about a bunch
of kids running through Mrs. O'Neil's garden.
Uh, no,
I can't run.
- I have asthma.
- You have as...
Oh, I... I'm sorry.
I didn't... Um...
Asthma's what?
A-Z...
- A-S...
- A-S.
[Mud]
T...
H... M...
A.
- [Coughing]
- [Dennis Coughing]
[Choking]
Sorry. Sorry.
[Groans]
Oh, I shifted
my liver on that one.
Are you...
Is he all...
Doctor says it's a bronchial virus.
[Hacking]
- [Choking] Oh, please sit. Sit.
- Don't mind if I do.
- No! Not that one!
- What?
- I use that one.
- Excuse me.
- Eczema! Persistent.
- What?
- [Chuckling]
- Chronic. Oh, don't ask.
[Panting]
Personally...
I think I get the cough
from inhaling the flakes.
[Hacking]
Sit. Sit.
- [Mumbling]
- Rudy...
remember to bring Officer Hendricks's coffee
in the blue mug, not the green one.
- Dad, yours is the blue one.
The green one's for company.
- [Chokes]
- No, Rudolph, mine's the green one!
- Dad, yours is the blue one.
[Both Arguing]
The green one...
I don't want him to get the disease.
- I don't have any more questions.
I'll take a rain check.
- Please, sit.
No, thank you.
Thanks for your cooperation.
- Thank you.
- [Coughing]
- The green one is for company.
The blue one is yours.
- [Sighs]
That was close.
You were sent to Earth...
to punish me,
weren't you?
I'm sorry, Dennis, but listen,
none of this'll happen again because...
everything's fine.
[Thunderclap]
- This bites.
- [Kids] Yeah.
We should just
go home.
[Kids]
Yeah.
At least at home
they have cable.
[All]
Cable. Yeah.
- Baywatch!
- [All] Baywatch!
Baywatch!
Come on, you guys. Do you know
how much trouble we'd be in?
We? It wasn't
my dumb idea.
[Girl]
Yeah, we couldjust blame it on you guys.
[Boy]
Yeah, it was your idea.
- [Door Slams]
- Hi, Warren. Hey, Dale.
[Winston Churchill's Voice] At last I had the
authority to give directions over the scene.
I felt as if I were walking
with destiny.
- And that all my past life
had been but a preparation...
- What is that?
- For this hour and for this trial.
- Winston Churchill.
TheJimi Hendrix
of the spoken word.
- Who's Jimi Hendrix?
- The MichaelJordan of the electric guitar.
Dennis,
are you busy?
[Chuckles]
Is that a trick question?
No. Look, I know I said I wouldn't bother you,
but... you gotta help me.
They're thinking about going home.
If this thing blows up, I could... go to prison.
Yeah, sure,
I can see it now.
Just as the warden
straps you into the chair...
your dad says,
"It's a dirty shame, Nancy.
The kid had such... potential."
Exactly.
I mean, they talk about me like I'm unemployed
or something. I'm just a kid, you know?
And what do they say
when you... tell them that?
Well, I mean,
I try, but...
Do you know what the first law
of the theater is, Mud?
- What?
- Talk loud enough for people to hear you!
Oh. Yeah.
So, uh...
[Shouting]
Are you gonna help me?
Much better.
No.
I'll, uh...
I'll pay you 200 bucks.
[Gasps]
So you think
you can buy me?
Well, sure you can.
Let the games begin!
[Kids Cheering]
[Dennis] First event...
synchronized swimming. Very good.
[Screaming]
Second event:
Greco-Roman wrestling!
Oh-ho, very impressive.
Filthy!
Come on,
bobsledding team!
Wipeout!
Final event...
Mud in the mud!
[Dennis]
But the people were filled with fear.
[Trish]
They prayed for seven days and seven nights...
until the heavens finally
answered their call.
And so, the goddess defeated
the army of demons.
- [All Gasping]
- [Moaning]
[Dennis]
Then, vomited up the sun and the stars...
back into the inky
curtain ofheaven.
[Trish]
And thus, the heavens were preserved.
[Dennis]
Then, the windmill of the gods...
began to turn...
again.
That was really,
really cool.
Thanks a lot,
Dennis.
[Guitar Playing
"Star-Spangled Banner"]
[Chattering]
- Thanks, Gaby.
- You're welcome.
- Whatcha doin'?
- Omelettes.
- Here, get to work.
- What's wrong with Pop Tarts and Slim Jims?
I don't know.
I just kind of got tired of the stuff.
Why don't you
chop some mushrooms?
I don't get it.
I mean...
what happened to the part
about the best summer of our lives?
- I mean, why do we end up doing all the work?
- Same reason we don't shoplift...
or cut class:
It's a curse.
- I shoplifted once.
- Ha! You stole something?
- Uh-huh.
- Ten to one you went back and paid.
Okay, you're right.
It's a curse. I...
Look, I'm just glad
there's two of us.
Me too.
Okay, troops,
line up.
Ashley: Mushroom.
Amber: Onion.
- Lenny: Plain.
- Cheese!
- You said plain.
- Cheese!
- Plain.
- Cheese.
- Plain. Plain.
- Cheese. Cheese.
- Cheese.
- Plain.
Okay, fine, you win.
Plain.
Who says you can't
learn anything from cartoons?
Good one.
[Chuckles]
So, keep it bandaged till the weekend,
don't get it wet...
and if anybody asks,
you took a bullet for the president.
- All right.
- So you and your dad been
sharing chores in the kitchen?
Oh, yes.
Every meal.
That must be tough
with your dad working all the time.
Oh, no, see,
he makes the time.
Yeah. Because we...
we do stuff together.
We play baseball.
Yeah. And we, uh...
chase squirrels?
I mean, we talk a lot! [Chuckles]
Yeah, we talk a lot.
And, uh... And you...
I mean, me and him, we're... Well...
we're best friends.
He gives me tons of advice
about teenage problems like...
on drugs and alcohol
and girls and...
kisses and teachers
and acne and peer pressure.
- [Snaps Finger]
- Great.
He's my role model.
Well, uh, I think
you'll pull through.
You could stand to gain
a few pounds though.
Well, if you're concerned about the nutritional
arrangements, why not check 'em out yourself?
- Pardon me?
- Come over for dinner Friday.
If I don't feed you from all four food groups,
you can report me to the authorities.
- That won't be necessary.
- Come on. It's part of the Hippocratic oath.
I don't recall Hippocrates
mentioning dinner.
Then he was a fool.
Come on. Don't make me
burn the kid's arm again.
I'll be there.
[Laughs]
All right.
But how could you invite her over?
I mean, she's gonna find out.
Mud, in a couple of years,
two things will happen:
One: You'll grow a ridiculous mustache
that looks like fruit mold on your upper lip;
two... you'll suddenly
understand why men...
invite charming,
attractive women to dinner.
- But, Dennis...
- Relax, Mud. Van Welker
will protect your secret.
Besides, Mom always
wanted me to marry a doctor.
- Ow!
- Bonjour, guys. We got beer.
Zack, they're
gonna card you.
[Zack]
Chill, Mud.
This is way covered.
I. D?
You gotta be 19 to buy this stuff.
No problemo.
- You were born in 1963?
- Yeah.
- [Chuckles] So that would make you...
- 21.
No! This is 1994.
That would make you 31.
Wrong.
If he was born in 1963...
and he's 21 then it's 1984.
[Scoffs]
Can I see that I.D.,
Bobby?
Purchasing alcohol with a fake I.D.
Is a crime in this state, son.
But it's for my dad!
He's in the parking lot.
He's very, very, uh, handicapped.
I'll go get him.
I'm sorry, son. Get Officer Hendricks over here.
Tell him we got an underage.
- Let's go, son.
- No! Dad!
Dad?
- Dad?
- Dad.
This guy didn't believe I was buyin' beer
for you 'cause of your bum leg.
Oh.
[Laughs]
So, you had trouble
buyin' brew...
for your dear,
old dad.
- Hey, son?
- That's my dad.
[Dennis]
Sorry for the misunderstanding, Mike.
But, the beer
is for me.
Breakfast of champions.
Yeah.
I do love my beer.
Mmm.
Hey, look at this.
[Grunts]
Looks real, eh?
Well, it's...
it's very lifelike, sir.
Ha-ha! And you don't
waste time washing it.
A little floor wax twice a month
and I'm in business.
- Uh-huh.
- [Gaby] That was close.
[Trish]
Oh, I know. Tres close.
- There's a cop following us.
- Uh-oh. It's Hendricks.
What are we gonna do?
[Brakes Screech,
Horn Honks]
- [Gaby] Wigwam Wash 'N Go?
- [Zack] What are we doing at a car wash?
- [Trish] This'll never work.
- [Dennis] Haven't you ever
heard of a clean getaway?
- [Zack] I still think we could
have got the beer.
- You could've gotten probation.
Stay in the car. I'll check it out.
Hey, see you, guys.
- Pull up, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
We've got an emergency here.
- [Woman] Okay.
Radioactive road grit.
If you just pull up forward, I'll get you goin'.
Thanks, ma'am.
- Help you, Officer?
- Yeah. Have you seen a...
Haven't I seen you
out at the Feln place?
- Phlurm.
- Come on, just pull in. Spiff up
the cruiser for you. No charge.
- Thanks. Hey, have you seen
any Caribbean yellow Gremlins?
- No problem.
No, but I seen a couple
of little blue pixies.
- Do I get out or what?
- No! Just roll up your window.
- Oh, damn.
- Phlurm, what the hell are you doing?
I'm gonna talk you through the process.
A little service Wigwam provides...
to help the customers better understand
the car wash experience.
[Grunting]
This is soap that's biodegradable.
Think how much this would hurt...
[Groaning]
If we used old-fashioned
abrasive brushes! Ah!
Industrial grit remover.
You can feel it working.
Whoa! Gotta love it!
Gotta love it!
We rinse with water
heated to 130.
[Groaning]
Or maybe 140 degrees!
Finally, the gentle
air drying.
[Heavy Blowing]
- [Blowing Stops]
- And there you have it. Thanks for...
using Wigwam.
[Alarm Blaring]
Dennis,
what happened?
Complimentary hot wax.
[Trish]
Hurry, get in!
[Engine Starts]
[Mud]
Okay, time for another letter to our parents.
Now, the computer camp had a big pizza
cookout on Friday. We watched Star Trek IV.
- Everybody seen that?
- Is that the one where he
fights the big Russian guy?
Arnold, that's Rocky IV.
- How do you spell pizza?
- No, no, Lenny, you're at fat camp, remember?
You don't get pizza at fat camp.
You get... chicken breasts with
lemon. Now write that down.
Pizza in fat camp.
What a dope!
- [Kids Laughing]
- Check the Barney.
Why don't you tell them about how you
won the pie-eating contest too, Lenny?
- [Kids] Oooh.
- Sniff my butt, toe breath.
- Would you guys shut up?
- Hey, midget, find my Waldo.
- What Waldo?
- Would you guys be careful?
- Back off, geek!
- You're gonna put somebody's
eye out with that!
I'm turning
into my parents.
Eeew.
[Gaby]
Mud? Can I come in?
Are you okay?
This whole camp
was my idea.
But nobody listens to me, you know.
I mean, everybody hates me.
Everybody
does not hate you.
No, just everybody in camp
and all the girls.
Girls don't hate you.
You think girls hate you?
- Gaby, I'm a geek.
- You're not a geek. Morris...
Gaby, look, I'm a geek.
All right?
It's okay for boys to be geeky.
For a girl, it's different.
I could wind up wearing a hairnet
and serving Jell-O in a cafeteria.
No, that won't happen,
because tons of girls start out...
lumpy.
But, uh, I mean, that'll all change.
You'll lose a little bit of weight.
Then you'll start
to grow some...
chests.
And then you'll be, I don't know, going out
with guys that hang me up by my underwear.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Let's make an oath, okay?
When we get cool, neither of us will
go out with those kind ofjerks, okay?
Who will we
go out with?
Each other.
I mean, ex-geeks like us.
- Because we'll be cool.
- Okay. Deal.
I mean, later.
Right.
When... we're cool.
Right.
- [Grunts]
- [Bangs Furniture]
One sick puppy!
Rubber chicken.
Figures.
Well, Van Welker.
Hmm.
Easy Cheese.
Can I help you?
So, um, exactly how much butterfat
is there in your low butterfat Brie?
I think, um,
like three or four milligrams an ounce.
Wow.
That's low!
So, is that less than your cholesterol-free
Dutch Gouda back there?
- I'll have to check.
- [Man] And a lactic acid, salt...
Gotcha, Van Welker.
- Ready for dinner, son?
- Ready, Dad.
- All right. Hand-held video game,
downstage on the couch.
- Yeah.
Mitt and
comic books here.
- Galactic Gladiator. Whose are those?
- They're mine.
You read comics? I thought you were
a 62-year-old in a kid suit.
Yeah, well, I have to
hide 'em when I'm at home.
If my dad sees 'em, he'll say somethin' stupid
like, "You're too smart to read comics."
Remember, Mud, just 'cause you're smart
doesn't mean you can't act stupid.
It's your constitutional right,
young man.
Okay.
[Claps Hands] For tonight's menu...
chicken, lima beans!
Lima beans?
Ha.
- Sorry, I don't eat lima beans.
- Sorry, pal.
It's our green vegetable. We gotta convince
the lovely doctor that your daddy...
is taking good care
of you, Morris.
The reason I came to camp was to get away
from computers and lima beans, so forget it!
- [Horn Honking]
- I'm not gonna eat it.
- I don't have time to argue.
- Too bad.
- How 'bout a buck a bean?
- What?
One dollar for every bean you eat.
Ten beans, ten bucks.
- No.
- Come on! That's more than
the government pays farmers...
- not to grow 'em.
- Fine.
- Good!
- Great!
- [Dunbar] Hello?
- Remember, we're a happy family.
- I'm happy!
- We're up! We're positive.
- I'm up! I'm positive!
- We're making eye contact.
- Fine!
- Anybody home?
- Come in.
Hi.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- Boy, this chicken's really great.
- Great lima beans, Dad.
- 63.
- Wow!
I've never seen a kid with such a taste
for lima beans. This is amazing.
- 64.
- Yeah, it's great.
Just don't fill up
on those things, Morris.
We've got ice cream
for desert.
- I got plenty of room.
- Slow down, Morris.
- 70!
- I'd hate to see you choke.
I'll get the ice cream.
- He's a really great kid.
- Yeah.
- You get a lot of help from his grandparents?
- I, uh...
He had a great relationship
with my father.
But, uh, Dad died
a couple of years ago.
I'm sorry.
Mud, you must miss your grandpa, huh?
Uh, yeah, but he promised
to take me fishing next fall.
I haven't had the heart
to tell him yet.
[Whispering]
That's not healthy, Dennis.
I know. I know.
Soon.
[Radio Playing "Linger"]
You got a stomachache
or something?
Hungry?
Are you homesick?
Hey, you can help me
clean this carburetor.
- We'll play poker!
- Can we make a necklace?
You want me
to make a necklace?
Okay, a necklace it is.
This kind of necklace?
All right. Why don't you take this
back to your cabin...
pick out the ones you like and tomorrow
we'll make me a necklace.
[Chuckling]
Thanks, Zack.
[Continues]
That was really sweet,
Zack.
Yeah.
You know, if you wore a skirt right now,
I'd be in heaven.
Tres immature,
don't you think?
Yeah. Sorry I'm not
mature enough for you.
And her dad
was a surgeon.
And he's wiped out.
I think we should put him to bed.
Which room is his?
Um, that one.
I gave him the big one.
- Need help?
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- I got it.
- Okay.
So, anyway, his dad
was a surgeon.
I was the rebel and became
a general practitioner.
- Are you sure I can't help?
- Oh, no, you stay there.
- Pour yourself some more wine.
- Okay.
[Grunts]
He sure loves his room.
- So you're really gonna drop out, huh?
- Yeah.
Probably.
Yeah, well, I've thought
about dropping out.
And then, you know,
go back and get my degree later.
That's what
Drew Barrymore did.
Yeah, but you can't
drop out!
I mean, who'd sing
"The Greatest Love of All" at assembly?
Don't remind me.
Yeah, it must be hell being
the most popular person in our grade.
- Yeah, you should know.
- Nah.
People don't really like me.
They're just afraid of me.
Yeah, well,
I'm not afraid of you.
- You're not?
- Nope.
'Cause you're
not that big.
And you're not as bad as you want
everyone to think you are.
Yeah, well,
I'm not afraid of you either!
[Dennis] The only question on the final was,
what didn't you learn in this class?
- Cool! That's great!
- Yeah.
- So why did you quit?
- Huh?
Teaching, I mean.
Uh, I, uh...
don't know.
[Sighs]
I think I remember
why I started.
I had this naive notion
that I could reach the kids...
inspire them,
not just to be actors...
inspired... accountants...
inspired trombone players...
inspired doctors.
Like you.
[Heavy Metal Guitar]
[Kids Cheering]
- [Continues]
- [Laughing, Yelling]
[Yelling]
I'll kick your butt!
Come here! Where are you?
[Continues]
[Knocking]
[Knocking]
We're out here,
in Mud's room.
Good Lord...
there must have been
a tornado.
- Guess I owe you an explanation.
- You owe the parents an explanation.
- I told you, my parents are the problem.
- Mine too.
Kids can get hurt or sick overnight
with no adult supervision.
I'm an adult.
Technically.
Look, I'll...
I'll look after them.
I'll be a full-time adult.
Oh? Like you were
a full-time drama teacher?
And Mud's father?
Well, the father part...
was... a stretch...
but the teacher,
the free spirit...
the sexual dynamo,
that's me.
I bet you don't even
like lima beans.
Celeste...
do you really think
I'd let anything happen to these kids?
There's two weeks left
in the summer.
I'll let you examine
every one of them.
They're not criminals.
Give 'em a break,
please?
Please?
I don't like this.
I really, really
don't like this.
Trish is the lead in Annie,
directed by Steven Spielberg's nephew.
- And we're not gonna see it!
- Well, I'm sure Caitlin won't mind.
Trish, dear. Her name is Trish.
And I mind.
"No Parents' Day."
It's ridiculous!
Well, you know, we do have a standing
invitation from your sister upstate.
Let's make a weekend of it
and just drop by, hmm?
What are they gonna do,
spit on us?
I suppose that depends on how much
she's been drinking.
Not your sister, dear.
I meant the camp people.
[Tape Rewinding,
Machine Beeping]
Uh, hello,
this is Michael Burkey.
We heard the Prescotts are coming to see
their Trish in Annie this Sunday...
so we thought we'd come
see our Heather too.
- [All Groaning]
- [Machine Beeping]
Hi, this is Dorothy Welton,
Walter's mom.
I know you discourage
parents from visiting...
but my husband will be in the area
on a business trip Sunday...
- Yeah. Business trip?
- [Sighing]
Right!
He owns a dry cleaners.
Maybe he's going
to a stain convention.
We're screwed.
We are so screwed.
[Kids Agreeing]
We're screwed.
- Not necessarily, you guys.
- We're worse than screwed,
you guys, we're dead.
- I've got an idea.
- Blow your idea, dwarf.
We can't fight our parents.
He's right, Mud. They're older,
they're meaner and they outnumber us.
- I've got an idea!
- Besides, maybe if we
come up with something...
Shut up, Zack!
- You want me to pound him?
- Yeah, Zack. You want him to pound me?
You're not gonna let this pygmy
tell you what to do, are you?
That's what he's been doing all along.
This whole camp was Mud's idea.
If it wasn't for Mud, I'd be scrubbing toilets
with a toothbrush at Steelgrave.
- Zack, you said it was your...
- Shut up, Tim!
Get up there, buddy.
[Sighs]
Okay, you guys, it's simple.
- All the parents want a Parents' Day, right?
- [Kids Agreeing]
Okay, so we'll give 'em a Parents' Day,
all four camps. And on the day they want it.
[Muttering Unhappily]
You guys, it's like
Winston Churchill once said...
"All our past lives has been
but a preparation...
for this hour
and this trial."
Okay, forget
Winston Churchill.
Look, anybody who wants
to give me the next 36 hours...
to pull off the greatest
scam of all time...
just raise your hand.
[Rock]
~~ All right ~~
~~ I got eight little fingers
and only two thumbs ~~
~~ Will you leave me in peace
while I get thejob done ~~
~~ Can't you see
I'm working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Well, they're coming from above me
They're coming from below ~~
~~ Yeah, they're right behind me
everywhere that I go ~~
~~ And my buddy, he's screaming
down the telephone line ~~
~~ He says, gimme, gimme, gimme
'cause I ain't got the time ~~
~~I said, oh
Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh
I'm working on it ~~
- Yes!
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh, how 'bout lovin; girl
Just you and me ~~
~~ Take a day
Take a day, yeah ~~
- ~~ And fly ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh, this job has got
the best of me ~~
~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh
I've been working on it ~~
Anyway, I gotta go do laundry.
I'll see you Sunday at 3:00.
Okay, bye.
Hi, Mom.
Yeah, this is Arnold.
Hey, guess what?
There's gonna be a Parents' Day after all.
[Cheering, Applauding]
- [Cheering, Applauding Continues]
- Bravo, bravo!
[Winston Churchill's Voice] We shall defend
our island, whatever the cost may be.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields
and in the streets.
We shall never surrender.
The enemy's arrived.
[Mud]
Okay, cue Savage.
Savage to foxhole.
We've got company.
- Roger.
- Roger.
Stop! Stop!
- Come on, come on. Fire zone, stay down!
- [Machine Gun Fire]
- Stay down! Fire zone!
- [Yelling]
- Hi, Dad.
- Nice to see you.
[Gunfire Continues]
Full field exercise.
All campers and parents are combatants.
- More firepower.
- [Gunfire On Speaker]
- [Panting]
- Watch your six.
- [Gunfire Continues]
- Come on, Dad. Move yourjets!
Oh! Damn it!
- Our job is to post the ridge
and hold the position.
- Check.
- Okay, whatever you do... Heads up!
- Hey!
- Watch out for...
- Booby traps?
- [Grunts]
- Yes!
Okay, remember, we can't
leave our positions, even to piss.
Major says that's
tantamount to desertion.
Yeah.
[Panting]
- Check.
- Attack!
Fox is in the hole.
We'll check on him in a few hours.
- Okay, military parents in the hole. Hatch shut.
- Got it!
Let's hit the switch.
Go signs, go actors. Dennis, you are up.
Exit Savage.
Enter Grotowski.
Direct hit.
Ready for drama camp.
Hey! This is my goddamn house and
I'll talk any goddamn way I want to!
Now, Stanley! There's no call to use
such language to Blanche.
[Eastern European Accent]
No, no, Eileen, Stanley is animal...
savage!
What, what?
Can you not see I am with children?
Bob Spiegel, Arnold's father.
We're looking for the production of Annie.
This is Tennessee
for Tots Workshop.
Theater is down the hill.
You must hurry.
You are late.
- Late? Parents' Day starts at noon.
- Nine!
- Arnold told me noon!
- Hurry!
Tennessee to H.Q.,
the Spiegels have landed.
[Norris]
God, I hate these horse shows!
[Rachel]
This is theater camp, dear.
Two theater bogies
on final approach.
- Talk 'em in, Amber.
- Ready sound, ready chorus, ready, Walter.
- Damn it, how did you screw up the time?
- She distinctly said it was noon!
- I'm sorry, the place is packed.
- [Groans]
But I'll let you in the side door
so you can watch from the wings.
[Parent Chattering
Excitedly]
Go!
Roger that.
~~ [Piano]
~ Tomorrow, tomorrow ~
~ I love ya, tomorrow ~
~~ You're only a day ~~
~~ A-way ~~
[Applause On Tape]
Blind 'em!
- Let's go, let's go!
- Thank you!
Bravo, bravo!
[Applause Continues]
- Oh, hi, Mom!
- Mom, Dad!
Oh, darling!
You were... wonderful!
- How did I do?
- Loved that opening number.
They bought it.
Let's go!
Yes!
[Muttering]
Theater parents, gone.
Move Annie out. Everything.
Raise the dummies, hurry!
Raise the Christmas tree.
Don't forget the snow. We've gotta
clean out the room for fat camp.
Hurry! Hurry!
Ready for the fatties.
Go sign, go liverwurst, go aerobics music!
[Dance]
[Together]
Yes!
- [Both Grunt]
- Sleek-away sign, clear!
All right,
let's sweat!
- [Continues]
- Tummies tucked, buttocks pinched!
Only 600 more!
Then you can taste
some of our famous chocolate cake!
- Where are the C-rations?
- Right here.
- How's your dad?
- Miserable. He hates liverwurst.
- Thanks.
- [Chuckling]
- Oh, my God!
- Mom?
- Oh, my God, you are so skinny!
- Really, I can explain.
You see, it...
I'm what?
Look at you, you're bony.
What, did you lose 10, 15 pounds?
- Here, turn around. Let me look at you.
- Mom, stop!
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be in the islands.
I missed you.
- What?
- Look at you, you're practically svelte.
Yeah.
[Both Laughing]
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- I'm really glad you came.
- Me too.
- Want a piece of chocolate cake?
- Sure.
Hey, Dad,
how're you holdin' out?
- [Groans] Freezing my nuts off!
- You can thaw 'em out later.
We got a cease fire
till 12:45...
- so I snuck some lunch through the lines.
- All right.
- Hey, watch out!
- What? What?
Oh, a decoy.
Here.
Oh, man, that looks good.
Thanks.
- [Spits]
- [Machine Gun Fire]
I give up!
[Clears Throat]
- Mom? What?
- Sorry to wake you, Officer.
T.R. Polk,
Bulldog Collections.
Trying to get a line on a 1979 Gremlin,
Caribbean yellow.
That's strange.
So am I.
Is that so?
Tell me, you happen
to know this guy?
Mr. Polk, I think we have
something to talk about.
- This is ridiculous!
- Dad!
Duck!
Have a good one!
- Loads on the road.
- Go.
- All right, fat parents are clear. What's next?
- Hurry up!
We have 16 minutes to pull the switch.
This is the big one.
Go, go, come on!
Change to the last sign.
Check.
Fire.
- Hurry, Tim!
- Got it!
- [Tim] Uh-oh.
- We got trouble. The sign's stuck!
We got a snafu
at the sign, Mud.
[Ashley]
We're in big trouble!
Go, go!
Come on, Jill.
- Pull!
- It's stuck!
[Mr. Himmel] We'll be there in a couple of
minutes. I knew we could do it in two hours.
[Mud]
Talk to me, Amber.
- How much time do we have?
- 15 seconds.
Pete, Tim, do something!
Tim, it's over!
We're dead!
Whoa!
- [Groans]
- The sign's clear.
We may have lost Jill.
[Chuckles, Blubbers]
Let's go!
[Mr. Himmel]
You see, 82.5 miles.
The nerds are here.
Over.
I just don't understand
how we messed up the time.
- I thought it started at 5:00.
- Mega-regrets for the time confusion.
You can still catch
the end of our demo.
This is our computer center. We have
- Okay, we're cracking codes.
- [Dennis] Entry codes of course.
- [Mud] We're into Pineview.
- Let's see what we can do in mode yellow.
- What are you doing, boys?
- Mode yellow?
Is this Pineview...
Air Force Base?
Status confirm.
Yes or no?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- No!
[Walter]
Okay, let's scramble thejets.
- Good Lord, what is happening here?
- Relax, it's not a real alert.
They can't crack Pentagon codes.
[Laughing Nervously]
Can you?
- Incoming!
- [Shouting]
[Dennis]
Well, that concludes our demonstration.
We have to perform some,
uh, routine maintenance.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Dennis will fix it. I just think I should
stay here and help him out.
- No problem. We'll be waiting out in the car.
- Good idea.
Good-bye.
Thanks for coming.
We have to report back
to the interrogation tent.
Well, l-l-l-I'd like
to go, Son...
but I've got a busy day tomorrow:
A few meetings, dry cleaners.
- I'll see you when you get home from camp.
- Okay.
It's a fine camp.
I had a great time.
Don't worry. I read in Newsweek some
- Now he gets 100,000 a year
as a security consultant.
- Excuse me, folks.
You haven't, by any chance,
seen this man, have you?
You mean Mr. Wozniak?
Okay, he was
right... here.
[Coughing]
Huh?
[Grunting]
[Yells]
[All Gasping]
Dennis Van Welker?
Morris?
Hi, Dad.
Where's Van Welker, kid?
Uh, I seriously,
truthfully do not know.
Mr. And Mrs. Himmel.
This kid says Van Welker's got a cabin
down by the lake, sir.
- Ricky!
- Huh. He tortured me.
Send somebody to get him. I want to
talk to this Van Welker clown, pronto!
Yes, sir.
Mr. And Mrs. Himmel...
how much weight
did your son actually lose?
Dennis, they're coming
after you, the cops!
The moms are going crazy
and the kids are getting worried!
- Whoa-oh, slow down!
- What are we gonna do?
Mud, I can't speak for "we."
I can only speak for "me."
And "me" is getting out of here
just as fast as my Goodyear radials can go.
Dennis,
this is serious.
Yes, a lot more serious
for me than for you.
You're a kid! What can they do?
Spank you? Ground you?
If they ground me, Mud...
it's gonna be
in a concrete room...
with a vertical bar motif
and a 200-pound fiance named Duke.
- Dennis, you can't just leave.
- Mud, it's gonna be okay.
Here's what you do: Get lost,
vanish into the woods for five, six hours.
When you show up, they'll be so glad
you hadn't been eaten by bears...
they'll let
the other stuff slide.
- I guess.
- Guaranteed!
It'll be like
a movie-of-the-week!
Okay.
Mud, sit down.
[Sighs]
I'm sorry things didn't work out, Mud.
Sometimes the windmill
of the gods...
casts us up
to the stars.
Sometimes it flings us
down into the dirt.
Au revoir...
mon ami.
See ya.
- Hey, Mud.
- Dr. Dunbar.
How come
you're not at camp?
- Camp's over. We got busted.
- Yeah, I know.
Where's Dennis?
The police are looking for him.
I mean, if they catch him...
He'll be held responsible.
So, let me guess.
He took off.
So, what are you
doing here?
- Uh, I thought I'd hang out
in the woods for a while.
- Right.
Till your parents were so worried
they wouldn't think about punishing you.
Something tells me
that wasn't your idea.
Been planning this
for five, six years.
The camp idea
was perfect!
Find kids with access
to cash...
get 'em away from their parents,
lots of junk food.
Win their confidence,
then start with the religious indoctrination.
- He didn't take off.
- No, I guess he didn't.
His title was "Most High
And Holy Worship."
Rama Sri Havagnoli.
- That's H-A-V-A...
- Nice try, Dennis.
Look, you guys...
this whole thing wasn't his idea;
it was my idea.
- [Sighs]
- Ah, yes.
The Himmel child,
very gullible.
He fell hook, line and sinker.
Show 'em your tattoo, Mud.
Okay, Dennis,
you can drop it.
Look, if it was your idea,
where's the money?
Ah, yes, it's hidden.
In my sock?
Look, Officer, l-l-I don't know
what's going on...
b-b-but I know my Morris
is a good boy...
- Dad, you don't know.
- He's too smart to get involved in anything.
Dad, just 'cause I'm smart doesn't mean
I can't act stupid!
Well, if Mud's guilty,
I am too.
Me too.
I'm smart enough
to act stupid.
Yeah, and I'm stupid too!
Well, you know
what I mean.
I can't believe nobody's pressing charges.
This guy's gonna walk.
Not necessarily.
He still owes me 2,800 bucks in penalties.
Who do I see about
gettin' a bench warrant?
Excuse me, Mr. Polk. About the money
Dennis owes you, I think this will cover it.
- You're a little short.
- Well, you're a little fat.
If you sue him, what are you gonna get,
a couple Winston Churchill albums?
- Please? Come on.
- I could write it off against expenses.
T.R. Polk retires
with a perfect record.
[Mr. Himmel]
Hey, Mud!
- If you're ever in Boca, don't look me up.
- I'll do that.
- Guess I messed up pretty bad, huh?
- You messed up big time.
Anyway.
I, uh, I brought you
something.
- [Chuckles] Galactic Gladiator?
- September issue.
- He battles the, uh, Jupiter Squad.
- Yeah.
- Cool!
- Yeah, it is pretty cool. [Laughing]
By the way,
you're grounded until you're 30.
Yeah, I know.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- [Horn Honking]
- Hey, Mudster. What do you
think of my new wheels?
Hey, it looks great!
Zack, you're giving away your new car?
Just till I graduate.
Zack, you're not
dropping out?
Gotta be there for
"The Greatest Love of All."
[Dennis]
Hey, Mud!
Dennis!
Well, Mud, I hope you've
learned something from all this.
- Yeah, I probably did.
- Good.
- When you figure it out,
you will let me know, won't you?
- Mm-hmm.
- It was a great summer, Dennis.
- I kind of enjoyed it too.
Thanks.
Your parents okay
about all this?
Yeah, my dad's just glad
I didn't get arrested, you know?
Wouldn't look good
on my college application.
Now all they have to worry
about is coming up...
with $20,000 a year
to send you there.
$20,000?
You see, Mud...
- you really do have...
- Potential?
- Maybe next summer.
- I'll call you.
- Trish?
- Oh, hi, Daddy.
Don't you think that Zack
should wait here for his own parents?
Uh, couldn't
he ride with us?
Please?
- Come on, Zack.
- Sure, Mitch.
Hey, Mud.
Well, thanks
for a great summer.
- Ow! Wha...
- You promised! Only ex-geeks.
I know, I know.
I'm... sorry.
Well... bye.
Bye.
- Dennis!
- Huh?
I'm just proud of him, that's all.
Tough to watch my boy grow up, though.
- [Out Of Breath] Uh, bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Adios.
- Bye, Dr. Dunbar.
- Bye, Mud.
[Rock Guitar]
["Summertime Blues"]
Walter!
What?
Walter,
I've been thinking.
You know,
you're a big talker...
but do you
have the guts?
W-W-What are you
talking about?
Well, Walter...
everyone else is
at the other end of the beach.
Do... you have...
the guts?
[Squeaky Voice]
Whoa!
Yes!
Gee, Walter...
you really do have
the guts.
Just not an extra
bathing suit.
Betty?
Betty!
Betty?
~~ Hey, hey, hey ~~
[Hard Rock]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
- ~~ Nowhere ~~
- [Kid Laughing]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
[Kid Laughing]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~~~
[Walter]
Bet-ty!
~~Hey, hey, hey~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
~~Nowhere~~
- ~~Nowhere~~
- [Children Laughing]
[Man] If your son goes to
Camp Microchipewa, he'll learn
more than just computer skills.
How about basketball?
That's right.
Learn to shoot like Akeem and the Shaq, once
counselor Dave shows you the trajectory.
If you're hungry,
Fridays are international fiesta days...
featuring foods from
all over the world...
including this favorite
from Italy... pizza.
Whoops! It's awards day already.
The summer sure has flown by.
At Microchipewa, you'll leave
with good friends, good memories...
and a better understanding
of the job skills of the future.
That's right.
Who says computers have to be boring?
At Microchipewa Computer Camp,
we say that computers are really not... boring.
Boy, I wish they had camps
like that when I was a kid.
Sounds great,
huh, Morris?
- [Woman] It sounds fantastic!
- I'm in hell. Shoot me.
- [Bell Ringing]
- So, did you decide about camp yet?
That guy from MicroCamp
swears they're getting CD-ROMs
with double-speed interfaces.
- Sounds excellent, huh, Mud?
- Yo, dog breath... stay!
Not you, Walter.
I want Mud.
- You're not supposed to
be in this hallway, pud.
- Pud!
- Come on, stop it.
- What a dork!
Hands off, Tim.
This little turd is mine.
You need a bath, man,
in the porcelain jacuzzi.
[Gasps]
Don't let anybody in.
[Bell Ringing]
All right, midget.
You got it?
[Toilet Flushing]
[Gasps, Whispers]
Damn!
Here. You read The Red Badge of Courage
by Stephen Crane.
I analyzed his depiction
of the Civil War.
Uh, so who
do I say won?
- You went for the North.
- Okay.
- Anyway, I say it's good for a C+, easy.
- Cool.
But make the next one
a "B."
So, how you doin', Mud?
[Sighs]
I'm okay.
That musclehead in gym class tried to
hang me up by my underwear again.
Wayne Fletcher? Don't worry.
I've got him covered. Okay, let's do it.
Zack, do we have to?
Look, Mud, I've told you a thousand times.
I've got a reputation.
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Oh-ho, Zack! Please stop it! Oh!
Please, don't stick
my head in the toilet.
I won't use
the hallway again.
Stylin', Mud.
Yup. It's that
"just flushed" look.
- Looks good.
- [Horn Honks]
- Call me later.
- Okay. Bye.
- Call me later.
- Bye.
[Sighs] If that idiot Epstein gives us
another grammar quiz...
I swear I'm gonna wind up in
English as a Second Language.
Or take it over
in summer school.
- I'm already going to summer school.
- Another computer camp?
Yup. My parents won't be happy
till I'm the poster child for
the "Adopt a Dork Foundation."
Yeah, well, better than Camp Broadway.
"Did you get that Clearasil commercial?"
"Well, I'm up for Spaghetti-O's
Extra Meaty." Tres dull.
Oh, Gaby, when's your mom
leaving for the islands?
Right after she puts me
on the bus to Camp Slenderella.
- Oh, gross! Celery sticks and rice cakes again?
- Prison food.
I'll mail you a Twinkie.
- Thanks for waiting, guys.
- Yeah, well, you were busy with
your new delinquent friends.
- Trish, we're not delinquent friends!
- Oh, yeah?
Then how come you get sent to military camp
every summer? 'Cause you like the haircuts?
You know my dad.
"Builds character, Zachary."
- "It's for your own good, Gab."
- "But, Trish, all the other kids are going."
- Wait, how 'bout this one? "It'll be fun."
- Yeah.
Can you believe what Arnold brought
to school today? It was disgusting.
- [Gaby] It was degrading.
- [Zack] That was cool! That was really cool!
- That was so gross.
- [Trish] He needs help.
But, Morris,
it'll be fun.
Dad, all those computer camps
are nerd rehab centers.
I just want to play baseball.
Have some real fun.
The DOS tutorial isn't fun?
[Chuckling]
Come on.
Look, I wouldn't steer you wrong.
I know you think I'm an old fogey
but your old man still knows how to cut loose.
Look, Morris, they have those low-fat,
sugar-free macaroons.
[Man] Not only the best tasting,
pasteurized, processed, non-dairy imitation...
semi-cheese product...
but also
the healthiest.
Now, I'm not a licensed physician,
but I've been to my share of free clinics.
Each serving of Miracle Cheese
contains no sodium, no glucose...
no "mucose" and absolutely
no cholesterol.
Let's talk about
breadstick safety.
Your basic sesame breadstick.
No, it looks harmless enough.
But what if you lose control
at high speeds?
- [Woman Gasps]
- [Cheese Man] Easy Cheese comes in these...
- Now, Morris, I don't want to be
one of those pushy parents.
- It's too late.
Now, what is that supposed
to mean, young man?
- What if I don't want to go
to computer camp?
- Morris, there are plenty...
- of things I'd rather do with $3,000.
- Me too.
- Havarti and Gorgonzola!
- Come on.
Wait a minute!
You are thinking...
cheese with... fish.
- [People Gasping, Laughing]
- Baa-aad.
- [Dad] Morris!
- Well, let's go right to the source.
- [People Laughing]
- Is it just me, or it dry in here?
Thank you very much.
Be kind to
your waitress.
Good night, everybody.
- Morris.
- Not the "potential" thing again?
But that's just what you've got:
Potential.
Anyway, so after all that,
he lays the money guilt thing on me.
- You know, camps cost thousands of dollars.
- Yeah.
I say, give me the money, I'll buy a Harley
and I'll be outta your way the whole summer.
- With that kind of money,
we could just rent our own camp.
- I'd buy a new wardrobe.
- I'd buy The Gap.
- Whoa! Whoa! What'd you say?
Oh, I said, for that kind of money,
we could rent our own camp.
- It's brilliant!
- It's deranged!
- It's suicide.
- Besides, we need an adult to pull it off.
- But we're adults, one for each camp.
- And one really twisted one.
- Who's gonna rent a cabin...
- What'd you just say?
Did you guys hear about the guy
who taught drama before Mr. Ellison?
Yeah, my sister had him.
Tres bizarre, she said.
He tried to do
Silence of the Lambs as a musical.
Anyway, he got fired
and left town.
Yeah, well, he got fired, but
I'm not so sure he left town.
[Gaby]
The cheese guy?
Okay, let's do it. Mud.
[Sighs]
Hi.
Can I help you?
Yeah, uh...
Is your name Dennis Van Welker?
- No. Just inspectin' the hinges here.
- [Brushing Hinges]
Look at that.
Low carbon content.
- Uh, ooh. Are you sure your
name isn't Dennis Van Welker?
- [Gargling]
- [Spits Out Toothpaste]
- He used to be a drama teacher
at King Junior High.
There are no drama teachers
living here.
I mean, I'm assuming the guy's gotta be,
what, five, six feet long.
[Chuckles]
So I'd have seen him.
Why don't you step inside? Now.
Don't make a sound.
Shh. It's show time.
Kid, I think you're sittin' on my teeth.
Quick, gimme, gimme, gimme. Come on.
Your teeth?
Sick! Gross!
Hey, kid,
I owe ya one.
Van Welker!
You in there?
Van Welker!
Van Welker!
[Speaking With Country Accent]
Who the hell are you?
Dennis Van Welker?
Well, glad
to meet you, Dennis.
The name's T.R. Polk.
I'm looking for Dennis Van Welker.
And according to my information,
you're him.
Sorry, man.
Roland J. Orlando.
Wait a minute!
I bought this here trailer
from a feller named Van Welker.
Yeah? Did this Van Welker have a "caar"?
Well, I guess he must've to pull the trailer.
[Chuckles]
In 1979, Dennis Van Welker bought
a Caribbean yellow Gremlin...
from Rasmunsen's AMC-Jeep
in Columbus, Ohio.
- A yellow Gremlin?
- He signed a contract for 48 equal payments...
of $121.43.
He made five.
We're still lookin' for the other 43.
- God! What a swine!
- Hey, come on.
Last year, Rasmunsen
sold the debt...
to Bulldog Collections;
that's me.
- Well, Mr. Bulldog.
- Polk. T.R. Polk.
I retire in October.
When I go, I'm goin' with a perfect record.
So no piss-yellow coupe is gonna
keep me out of the hall of fame.
- [Whistle Blowing]
- Now, what's in the shed?
Look, I really should be gettin'
down to the plant.
[Speaking With Country Accent]
Dad! Dad! Oh, nellie, Dad! It's an emergency!
Uh, the plant just called.
Number three turbine's out of alignment.
Hold your horses there,
Alphonse.
Can't you see I'm helping
this man find a missing car?
Not here.
Of course it ain't.
Sorry about the door.
- Your kid, huh?
- Yup. Heir to the throne.
Well, Van Welker
had no children.
That's a tragedy.
Well, if he turns up, give me a call.
I'd appreciate it.
- So would the Ohio State Police.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Gaby] Don't hit him, Zack.
- I won't.
- [Horn Honking]
- [Gasps]
You know, you really oughta get the Club.
Any idiot can hot-wire a Gremlin.
What do you want from me?
The car was a dog.
Late at night, I used to hear it barking in
the driveway. [Imitates Barking]
Mr. Van Welker,
we don't care about the car.
How would you like
to make $1,000?
A thousand bucks.
Ha!
Chicken feed! Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go call my broker.
- I'm sorry?
- Polk's phone number, Mr. Van Welker.
Oh, I get it.
Shakedown time.
And people say kids today
lack ambition.
[Chuckles]
A thousand bucks, you say?
Hmm.
Mr. Himmel? Dennis Wozniak,
Binary Pines Computer Camp.
Been expecting ya.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- Hey, nice sweater.
- [Chuckling]
In today's job market, you've got to
master the skills of tomorrow, now.
For instance, 379 of the
Fortune 500 companies...
use exactly the same
Novell netware release that we teach.
Here, Mr. Grotowski.
Of course, you should know that our Trish
takes her precious horses pretty seriously.
Acting, Dad! This is theater camp.
Caitlin goes to riding camp.
Of course.
It does sound
interesting, Jerzy.
But she's been so happy at Lake Broadway,
and I think it's...
I don't know,
prestigious.
[Eastern European Accent]
Oh, it is fine program, Mrs. Prescott.
More than adequate.
But how deep can you go
in, uh, six weeks?
At Camp Sleek-Away,
we believe there are no fat people.
There's fat,
and there's people.
- Look, whatever dumb diet
you guys use, it won't work.
- Shh.
She's right.
Diets don't work.
- Chocolate cake works.
- [Scoffs]
Well, it sounds like
a hell of an operation, Savage...
but as I said on the phone, Zachary will be
going back to Camp Steelgrave.
Well, Mr. Dell,
if you're happy with, uh...
Weepy's results...
I won't waste
your time.
Weepy?
Just a nickname
Sergeant Steelgrave picked up in 'Nam.
Isn't that interesting,
Morris?
- You should look up "interesting"
in the dictionary, Dad.
- Morris.
You know, Morris, if you were
an ordinary kid, it wouldn't matter so much.
But you've got such...
- potential.
- [Laughs]
And that is why our season
runs two weeks longer.
- She'd be gone for eight weeks?
- I know it is long time to be separated.
That means we wouldn't have to come back
from Europe until...
When's Parents' Day?
August?
At Shakespeare Hollow,
we do not have Parents' Day.
We feel it encourages
independence.
Say no more, Jerzy.
I think we just have to do
what's right for our little girl.
- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.
- It's fantastic!
- This is great cake!
- [Mumbling] It's very unusual.
I'll be right back.
- God, what'd you do?
- Yours is Betty Crocker.
Hers is raw
liver paste.
So if it tastes like poison,
it must be diet food.
[Phone Ringing]
Son, are you deaf or just stupid?
Answer that phone!
I'm busy.
Get it yourself.
Answer it
or eat it, boy.
- [Ringing Continues]
- I see Weepy's worked wonders.
At Alpha Charlie,
we scrape 'em down to bare metal.
And it's worth it
when they look up at you and say...
"Dad was right, Major Savage. I am scum."
Answer the phone,
son.
- Yes, sir.
- [Ringing Continues]
- Dell residence.
- How's it goin'?
Check or plastic?
- Cash.
- Mission accomplished.
- We're in.
- [Together] Yes!
[Trish]
"Feln's Miracle Spa"?
- [Morris] Yeah, I found it in the newspaper.
- Where? In the obituaries?
Trust me.
It's perfect.
So that's two cabins for the summer.
Am I right?
- If you want more, you gotta call me in Florida.
- So, I don't get it.
- Who built those tepees
and painted that weird bus?
- Ahhh!
That's interesting.
In the late '60s, a bunch of hippies...
made this place
into a commune.
You know, there was all sorts of
sex and drugs and debauchery.
I knew I'd
been here before.
- You mean you did that stuff here?
- No. Not here.
You won't regret this,
Mr. Bandersnatch.
You're in for the most peaceful,
relaxing summer...
of your whole lives.
- [Rumbling]
- [Gasping]
That was the Pineview
Air Force Base.
The 5... 15 flyby,
they call it.
You get used to it.
You get used to it.
Then you miss it when it doesn't happen.
[Chuckles]
- So we should just take the Greyhound.
- The bus?
- Why can't we rent a limo?
- You know what'd be cool?
We should hitchhike.
Yeah. That would be really cool.
And then we should just leave our pictures
behind for them to put on the milk cartons.
- Hey, guys, I've been checking
out the train schedules.
- [Doorbell Ringing]
Hold on a second.
I'll be right back.
- Hitchhike?
- Stupid.
Walter. Hi.
- Pretty slick, Mud.
- What?
I know what you're doing, Mud. That
computer camp you said you were going to;
There's no such camp.
Walter, if you tell anyone,
I'm gonna glue your mouth shut!
Look, I won't tell.
Not as long as you let me come.
- No.
- Okay. If I don't go, you don't go.
All right.
But you can't tell anyone.
I won't.
Walter, who'd you tell?
- Just Betty Stoller. You know,
the redhead girl in Bio Lab.
- You idiot!
- Come on, at her old camp,
they used to go skinny-dippin'.
- [Trish] No way!
I am not sharing a sink
with Betty Stoller!
I mean, she has food
stuck in her braces from last Christmas.
You're all in on this.
Walter, if you tell anybody
else, you're dead meat!
- Look, I won't tell.
- Uh-oh.
What? What?
Betty Stoller.
- Hi, Mud.
- [All] Hi, Mud.
- We're definitely going to need a bus.
- Yeah.
Wooo!
Yeah!
All right!
Wooo!
~~ Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss
and I'm gonna raise a holler ~~
~~ 'Cause I've been workin'
all summerjust tryin'to raise a dollar ~~
- ~~ Every time I call my baby
I try to get a date ~~
- Way cool.
- ~~ The boss says "No dice, son
You gotta work late" ~~
- Fresh.
- ~~ Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a-gonna do ~~
- [Chanting] Jump! Jump!
~~ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ~~
- [Shouting]
- [Kids Cheering]
Here I go!
[Screaming]
[Dennis]
Welcome to your own...
personal slice of paradise,
Mudster.
- So where you gonna be?
In the cabin by the lake?
- You betcha.
- See ya in eight weeks.
- All right.
Hey!
Have fun.
See ya.
~~ Gonna take two weeks
Gonna have a fine vacation ~~
~~ I'm gonna take my problem
to the United Nations ~~
~~ Well, I asked my congressman
He said quote ~~
- [Sighs]
- ~~ "I'd like to help you, son
but you're too young to vote"~~
~~ Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a-gonna do ~~
~~ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ~~
~~ Oh, yeah ~~
~~ Summertime blues ~~
~~ Oh, yeah ~~
- ~~ Summertime blues ~~
- [Chattering]
- Yo!
- [Chattering Continues]
- Hey, listen up, people!
- [Chattering Continues]
- Hey, shut up!
- [Gasps]
There's some important
stuff I gotta tell ya.
Mud.
Okay.
There's three important
things I need to say.
Louder!
[Chuckles]
Number one: Letters home to your parents,
once a week, so they don't get suspicious;
and two: If anybody in town asks,
you don't speak English;
and three: Guys, this is
very important, all right?
Please, report to me immediately
if anybody finds a Taco Bell, all right?
- [5... 15 Flyby]
- [Gasping]
Oh, I, uh...
forgot one thing.
[Boy]
Try rubbing them together.
- Maybe if you get it warm first.
- Will you just let me work?
It's getting late, Walter!
[Grunts]
- Is it too late to go to a motel?
- What if we can't get it going?
- There. Got it.
- [All Sighing]
- Thank God!
- Yeah, that was close.
If I don't see Dylan,
I die.
I wanna make a toast.
Here is to diet shakes.
- [All Cheering]
- Yeah!
And I say here's to
Rodgers and Hammerstein.
[All Cheering]
Here's to swimming.
Right, Betty?
[All Laughing,
Scoffing]
I gotta say...
- This is major cool! Yes!
- [All Cheering]
All right!
It's gonna be
a great summer.
[Boy]
Here's to computer manuals.
[All Shouting]
[Boy]
Here's to anything with bran!
[Boy]
Hey, Steve, throw in your cello.
[All Chanting]
Cello! Cello! Cello! Cello!
Yes! Yes!
[All Whooping]
[Chanting]
Nowhere! Nowhere!
[All Chanting]
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!
[All Cheering,
Shouting]
[Crickets Chirping]
[Walter]
Got you, Betty.
I wasn't playing,
Walter.
- Hey, you're it. I got you.
- Shut up, Walter!
- Come on, Betty. I got you.
- Shut up. No way.
- It's 2:00 in the morning.
- Cool.
[All Shouting]
- [Zack] Hey, Trish, watch this.
- [Boy] Stay away from me!
[Shouting Continues]
[Banging]
- [Steve] Ow! I hit something.
- [Gaby] What is it?
- It's a car!
- What a wreck!
- It's not a wreck. It's a classic.
- A classic?
Yeah, we could rebuild the whole thing.
But it's gonna cost.
How much money
we got, Mud?
Well, I didn't exactly
count it or anything.
- [Gasps]
- Geez, Mud, how much you got in there?
It's a lot. It's everybody's money for
the whole summer. I thought I'd hold on till...
Yeah, right. I think I'll just hold
onto my own, midget.
No, Tim, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
- [Together] Money, Mud.
- Money, Mud.
[Together]
Money, Mud. Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.
[All Chattering]
Look, you, guys. Come on.
Be careful how you spend it because
it's gotta last through summer.
Besides, we don't want to call
attention to ourselves.
We're not gonna do
anything stupid.
I mean, we're not
complete morons.
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ lf I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ~~
Aw, guys! That goes in Mud's cabin.
Come on.
- ~~ I live by the groove ~~
- Aw, great!
- It's better than the cello.
- Definitely!
Take it straight
on up, okay?
I don't know, Betty.
Didn't Mud say to keep a low profile?
Well, no one'll find us
if we're inside watching TV.
Well, gee, don't ya wanna do some swimmin'?
The lake's really warm this time of year.
No, I don't wanna do
any swimming.
Nice one, guys. Ever think about
how you're gonna get it inside?
- [Chain Saw Starting]
- Who ordered the chain saw?
~~ It's the law, baby
It's the golden rule ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ Hey, hey, hey
Ahhh ~~
~~ I live by the groove ~~
~~ lf I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ~~~~
- [Laughing]
- [Mud] Geez, you guys!
[Tim] Here, I'll give it back to you.
Oops, oops, oops, oh.
[Tim Chuckling]
Nice hat, pud.
- You wanna go shoot some hoops?
- So I can kick your butt.
- I'll get your hat back later.
- Thanks.
You remember how Tim used to cry when we
wouldn't let him pitch in Little League?
- Yeah, yeah, I do...
- He was a lot easier to deal with
before he had that growth spurt.
[Trish]
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Trish.
- Hey.
Um, there's a 30%% off sale at the mall.
You guys want anything?
The mall?
Again?
You guys are never gonna make it
through the summer...
if you keep spending all
your money on clothes.
[Radio]
- [Tightening Bolt]
- So, I don't get it.
How come you're fixing a car
if you can't drive?
In Tijuana you can drive
when you're 14.
Oh, right. They're gonna let you get out
of class early to take Driver's Ed in Mexico?
Who said I was
gonna be in school?
You're dropping out?
Maybe.
Why?
Would you miss me?
No.
No, huh?
Well, maybe.
Maybe?
No.
Hmph!
- [Bangs Car]
- Damn!
- Honey, this one's from Morris.
- Oh, read it out loud.
[Chuckling] "Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm having a great time at computer camp.
- And you were right, Dad."
- [Mud] I'm learning lots of
valuable skills for the future.
[Both Shouting,
Laughing]
"We're currently hard at work on some
challenging high-level computer simulations."
Scramble the jets.
We're taking out Milwaukee.
- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!
- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!
But Grandma lives
in Milwaukee.
[Together]
Milwaukee!
[Mud] You wouldn't believe
how hard we work up here.
We really get hungry, so they always feed us
a long, long lunch.
[All Shouting]
~~ Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ~~
- ~~ And the world will turn
to floating papers too ~~
- All right.
- ~~ Waa-aaah ~~
- [Shouting]
Don't... even...
think about it.
- [Laughs]
- Walter!
[Mr. Himmel, Mud Together]
"Today's July Fourth, but don't worry, Mom.
We won't be playing
with caps or sparklers."
[Mud] We'll sing patriotic
songs and watch a film about
the Declaration of Independence.
~~Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ~~
~~And the world will turn
to floating papers too ~~
- [All Shouting]
- Yeah!
Check this out.
Banzai!
Fire!
- ~~ Party at ground zero ~~
- Wooo!
- Light me.
- [Mud] I'll write more next week.
- Got it.
- Got it.
- Your son, Mud.
- ~~ Waa-aah ~~
- Ow!
- [Girl] Mud! Mud!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I just burned my arm.
Who would think something like
this could happen from harmless
flares and Roman candles?
- You know, Mud, that looks bad.
- Yeah, you really need a doctor.
No, you guys. If we call a doctor,
he's gonna call my mom
and we're gonna blow the summer.
- Look, get Dennis, all right?
- Yeah.
Oh, Jesus. If this is serious, Mud,
I'm taking you home.
My mama didn't raise no fools.
Oh, except my brother Todd.
He burns hair out of his nose
with fireplace matches. Todd's... special.
Look, Dennis, I told you,
it's an extra 50 bucks.
Keep your money, pal.
Concussions and second degree burns on me.
Uh, uh. Hold still. Hold still.
Won't be another minute.
Take your time, Dr. Dunbar.
I've still gotta find six weasels in this picture.
Oooh, there's one.
We do have other magazines.
There's Newsweek somewhere.
Oh.
Mideast peace talks.
Yeah. Twelve weasels
hidden in that one.
So, Morris,
how did this happen?
Not playing with fireworks,
by any chance?
No. I burned it
on the stove making breakfast.
Ah. Yes. Those Fourth ofJuly breakfasts,
very hazardous.
Well, I think
we can save the hand.
But I'm gonna need to see you again.
Say, Tuesday?
Bye, Mud.
Feel better.
You know, we are supposed to report
firework injuries to the police.
- No. Really?
- Yeah.
- The stove is ancient.
- Thought about a microwave?
- Can't do it. Cat's got a pacemaker.
- Look, I don't know much about...
I don't know much about stoves, but I do know
something about second-degree burns.
Yeah, well, what do you know about
raisin' a kid alone?
What do you know about holding down two
jobs so your kids get the breaks you didn't?
I mean, do you and your husband
even have children?
I'm not married.
What are you getting at?
I'm not sure.
Frankly, I kinda lost the thread there myself.
Tuesday, you say?
Yeah.
Tuesday.
- I'll bring Mud along.
- Good idea.
Now, don't forget to take your pills, young un.
Four, every hour.
Uh, Dennis, that's one
every four hours.
Get outta here. Let me see that.
What are you talkin'...
Whoa.
[Chuckles]
Not the first time
that mistake's got me in trouble.
Are you sure you don't wanna come in?
We're all gonna watch Beavis and Butt-head.
- [Kids Chattering]
- [Laughs]
You know,
back in the '60s...
when we said we wanted
to change society...
maybe we should have
been more specific.
- Hello, Officer.
- Trooper Elliot Hendricks.
Uh, howdy.
I'm, uh... Phlurm.
Cy Phlurm.
Uh, with a "P-H."
What can I do for you,
Officer?
- Well, Mr., uh, Phlurm.
- Phlurm.
We've had some reports of a gang
of unruly kids in the area.
I thought I'd come check it out.
- Do you mind if we talk?
- Oh, not at all.
Uh, Rudolph,
go inside.
Put on some coffee and, uh, clean up
a little bit, okay?
Okay, Dad.
I had a report of a fireworks display,
some loud music...
Mrs. Levinson found paint splattered
on her new garage door.
Probably a couple
of rowdy kids.
Gosh, Officer, it's just me and Rudy
renting the lodge here.
Rudy's no rowdy.
But, hey, if I can help with anything else.
I'd still like to ask your son a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Oh, no, no, not at all.
[Groans] Jesus.
- [Kids Chattering]
- Shh.
- [Chattering Stops]
- [Mud] Coffee's on, Dad.
I won't take up much of your time.
Son, some folks reported hearin' fireworks...
down by the lake
on the Fourth.
- You know anything about that?
- Uh, no, Officer. I... Mm-mmm.
Uh-huh.
I'll bet you don't know anything about a bunch
of kids running through Mrs. O'Neil's garden.
Uh, no,
I can't run.
- I have asthma.
- You have as...
Oh, I... I'm sorry.
I didn't... Um...
Asthma's what?
A-Z...
- A-S...
- A-S.
[Mud]
T...
H... M...
A.
- [Coughing]
- [Dennis Coughing]
[Choking]
Sorry. Sorry.
[Groans]
Oh, I shifted
my liver on that one.
Are you...
Is he all...
Doctor says it's a bronchial virus.
[Hacking]
- [Choking] Oh, please sit. Sit.
- Don't mind if I do.
- No! Not that one!
- What?
- I use that one.
- Excuse me.
- Eczema! Persistent.
- What?
- [Chuckling]
- Chronic. Oh, don't ask.
[Panting]
Personally...
I think I get the cough
from inhaling the flakes.
[Hacking]
Sit. Sit.
- [Mumbling]
- Rudy...
remember to bring Officer Hendricks's coffee
in the blue mug, not the green one.
- Dad, yours is the blue one.
The green one's for company.
- [Chokes]
- No, Rudolph, mine's the green one!
- Dad, yours is the blue one.
[Both Arguing]
The green one...
I don't want him to get the disease.
- I don't have any more questions.
I'll take a rain check.
- Please, sit.
No, thank you.
Thanks for your cooperation.
- Thank you.
- [Coughing]
- The green one is for company.
The blue one is yours.
- [Sighs]
That was close.
You were sent to Earth...
to punish me,
weren't you?
I'm sorry, Dennis, but listen,
none of this'll happen again because...
everything's fine.
[Thunderclap]
- This bites.
- [Kids] Yeah.
We should just
go home.
[Kids]
Yeah.
At least at home
they have cable.
[All]
Cable. Yeah.
- Baywatch!
- [All] Baywatch!
Baywatch!
Come on, you guys. Do you know
how much trouble we'd be in?
We? It wasn't
my dumb idea.
[Girl]
Yeah, we couldjust blame it on you guys.
[Boy]
Yeah, it was your idea.
- [Door Slams]
- Hi, Warren. Hey, Dale.
[Winston Churchill's Voice] At last I had the
authority to give directions over the scene.
I felt as if I were walking
with destiny.
- And that all my past life
had been but a preparation...
- What is that?
- For this hour and for this trial.
- Winston Churchill.
TheJimi Hendrix
of the spoken word.
- Who's Jimi Hendrix?
- The MichaelJordan of the electric guitar.
Dennis,
are you busy?
[Chuckles]
Is that a trick question?
No. Look, I know I said I wouldn't bother you,
but... you gotta help me.
They're thinking about going home.
If this thing blows up, I could... go to prison.
Yeah, sure,
I can see it now.
Just as the warden
straps you into the chair...
your dad says,
"It's a dirty shame, Nancy.
The kid had such... potential."
Exactly.
I mean, they talk about me like I'm unemployed
or something. I'm just a kid, you know?
And what do they say
when you... tell them that?
Well, I mean,
I try, but...
Do you know what the first law
of the theater is, Mud?
- What?
- Talk loud enough for people to hear you!
Oh. Yeah.
So, uh...
[Shouting]
Are you gonna help me?
Much better.
No.
I'll, uh...
I'll pay you 200 bucks.
[Gasps]
So you think
you can buy me?
Well, sure you can.
Let the games begin!
[Kids Cheering]
[Dennis] First event...
synchronized swimming. Very good.
[Screaming]
Second event:
Greco-Roman wrestling!
Oh-ho, very impressive.
Filthy!
Come on,
bobsledding team!
Wipeout!
Final event...
Mud in the mud!
[Dennis]
But the people were filled with fear.
[Trish]
They prayed for seven days and seven nights...
until the heavens finally
answered their call.
And so, the goddess defeated
the army of demons.
- [All Gasping]
- [Moaning]
[Dennis]
Then, vomited up the sun and the stars...
back into the inky
curtain ofheaven.
[Trish]
And thus, the heavens were preserved.
[Dennis]
Then, the windmill of the gods...
began to turn...
again.
That was really,
really cool.
Thanks a lot,
Dennis.
[Guitar Playing
"Star-Spangled Banner"]
[Chattering]
- Thanks, Gaby.
- You're welcome.
- Whatcha doin'?
- Omelettes.
- Here, get to work.
- What's wrong with Pop Tarts and Slim Jims?
I don't know.
I just kind of got tired of the stuff.
Why don't you
chop some mushrooms?
I don't get it.
I mean...
what happened to the part
about the best summer of our lives?
- I mean, why do we end up doing all the work?
- Same reason we don't shoplift...
or cut class:
It's a curse.
- I shoplifted once.
- Ha! You stole something?
- Uh-huh.
- Ten to one you went back and paid.
Okay, you're right.
It's a curse. I...
Look, I'm just glad
there's two of us.
Me too.
Okay, troops,
line up.
Ashley: Mushroom.
Amber: Onion.
- Lenny: Plain.
- Cheese!
- You said plain.
- Cheese!
- Plain.
- Cheese.
- Plain. Plain.
- Cheese. Cheese.
- Cheese.
- Plain.
Okay, fine, you win.
Plain.
Who says you can't
learn anything from cartoons?
Good one.
[Chuckles]
So, keep it bandaged till the weekend,
don't get it wet...
and if anybody asks,
you took a bullet for the president.
- All right.
- So you and your dad been
sharing chores in the kitchen?
Oh, yes.
Every meal.
That must be tough
with your dad working all the time.
Oh, no, see,
he makes the time.
Yeah. Because we...
we do stuff together.
We play baseball.
Yeah. And we, uh...
chase squirrels?
I mean, we talk a lot! [Chuckles]
Yeah, we talk a lot.
And, uh... And you...
I mean, me and him, we're... Well...
we're best friends.
He gives me tons of advice
about teenage problems like...
on drugs and alcohol
and girls and...
kisses and teachers
and acne and peer pressure.
- [Snaps Finger]
- Great.
He's my role model.
Well, uh, I think
you'll pull through.
You could stand to gain
a few pounds though.
Well, if you're concerned about the nutritional
arrangements, why not check 'em out yourself?
- Pardon me?
- Come over for dinner Friday.
If I don't feed you from all four food groups,
you can report me to the authorities.
- That won't be necessary.
- Come on. It's part of the Hippocratic oath.
I don't recall Hippocrates
mentioning dinner.
Then he was a fool.
Come on. Don't make me
burn the kid's arm again.
I'll be there.
[Laughs]
All right.
But how could you invite her over?
I mean, she's gonna find out.
Mud, in a couple of years,
two things will happen:
One: You'll grow a ridiculous mustache
that looks like fruit mold on your upper lip;
two... you'll suddenly
understand why men...
invite charming,
attractive women to dinner.
- But, Dennis...
- Relax, Mud. Van Welker
will protect your secret.
Besides, Mom always
wanted me to marry a doctor.
- Ow!
- Bonjour, guys. We got beer.
Zack, they're
gonna card you.
[Zack]
Chill, Mud.
This is way covered.
I. D?
You gotta be 19 to buy this stuff.
No problemo.
- You were born in 1963?
- Yeah.
- [Chuckles] So that would make you...
- 21.
No! This is 1994.
That would make you 31.
Wrong.
If he was born in 1963...
and he's 21 then it's 1984.
[Scoffs]
Can I see that I.D.,
Bobby?
Purchasing alcohol with a fake I.D.
Is a crime in this state, son.
But it's for my dad!
He's in the parking lot.
He's very, very, uh, handicapped.
I'll go get him.
I'm sorry, son. Get Officer Hendricks over here.
Tell him we got an underage.
- Let's go, son.
- No! Dad!
Dad?
- Dad?
- Dad.
This guy didn't believe I was buyin' beer
for you 'cause of your bum leg.
Oh.
[Laughs]
So, you had trouble
buyin' brew...
for your dear,
old dad.
- Hey, son?
- That's my dad.
[Dennis]
Sorry for the misunderstanding, Mike.
But, the beer
is for me.
Breakfast of champions.
Yeah.
I do love my beer.
Mmm.
Hey, look at this.
[Grunts]
Looks real, eh?
Well, it's...
it's very lifelike, sir.
Ha-ha! And you don't
waste time washing it.
A little floor wax twice a month
and I'm in business.
- Uh-huh.
- [Gaby] That was close.
[Trish]
Oh, I know. Tres close.
- There's a cop following us.
- Uh-oh. It's Hendricks.
What are we gonna do?
[Brakes Screech,
Horn Honks]
- [Gaby] Wigwam Wash 'N Go?
- [Zack] What are we doing at a car wash?
- [Trish] This'll never work.
- [Dennis] Haven't you ever
heard of a clean getaway?
- [Zack] I still think we could
have got the beer.
- You could've gotten probation.
Stay in the car. I'll check it out.
Hey, see you, guys.
- Pull up, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
We've got an emergency here.
- [Woman] Okay.
Radioactive road grit.
If you just pull up forward, I'll get you goin'.
Thanks, ma'am.
- Help you, Officer?
- Yeah. Have you seen a...
Haven't I seen you
out at the Feln place?
- Phlurm.
- Come on, just pull in. Spiff up
the cruiser for you. No charge.
- Thanks. Hey, have you seen
any Caribbean yellow Gremlins?
- No problem.
No, but I seen a couple
of little blue pixies.
- Do I get out or what?
- No! Just roll up your window.
- Oh, damn.
- Phlurm, what the hell are you doing?
I'm gonna talk you through the process.
A little service Wigwam provides...
to help the customers better understand
the car wash experience.
[Grunting]
This is soap that's biodegradable.
Think how much this would hurt...
[Groaning]
If we used old-fashioned
abrasive brushes! Ah!
Industrial grit remover.
You can feel it working.
Whoa! Gotta love it!
Gotta love it!
We rinse with water
heated to 130.
[Groaning]
Or maybe 140 degrees!
Finally, the gentle
air drying.
[Heavy Blowing]
- [Blowing Stops]
- And there you have it. Thanks for...
using Wigwam.
[Alarm Blaring]
Dennis,
what happened?
Complimentary hot wax.
[Trish]
Hurry, get in!
[Engine Starts]
[Mud]
Okay, time for another letter to our parents.
Now, the computer camp had a big pizza
cookout on Friday. We watched Star Trek IV.
- Everybody seen that?
- Is that the one where he
fights the big Russian guy?
Arnold, that's Rocky IV.
- How do you spell pizza?
- No, no, Lenny, you're at fat camp, remember?
You don't get pizza at fat camp.
You get... chicken breasts with
lemon. Now write that down.
Pizza in fat camp.
What a dope!
- [Kids Laughing]
- Check the Barney.
Why don't you tell them about how you
won the pie-eating contest too, Lenny?
- [Kids] Oooh.
- Sniff my butt, toe breath.
- Would you guys shut up?
- Hey, midget, find my Waldo.
- What Waldo?
- Would you guys be careful?
- Back off, geek!
- You're gonna put somebody's
eye out with that!
I'm turning
into my parents.
Eeew.
[Gaby]
Mud? Can I come in?
Are you okay?
This whole camp
was my idea.
But nobody listens to me, you know.
I mean, everybody hates me.
Everybody
does not hate you.
No, just everybody in camp
and all the girls.
Girls don't hate you.
You think girls hate you?
- Gaby, I'm a geek.
- You're not a geek. Morris...
Gaby, look, I'm a geek.
All right?
It's okay for boys to be geeky.
For a girl, it's different.
I could wind up wearing a hairnet
and serving Jell-O in a cafeteria.
No, that won't happen,
because tons of girls start out...
lumpy.
But, uh, I mean, that'll all change.
You'll lose a little bit of weight.
Then you'll start
to grow some...
chests.
And then you'll be, I don't know, going out
with guys that hang me up by my underwear.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Let's make an oath, okay?
When we get cool, neither of us will
go out with those kind ofjerks, okay?
Who will we
go out with?
Each other.
I mean, ex-geeks like us.
- Because we'll be cool.
- Okay. Deal.
I mean, later.
Right.
When... we're cool.
Right.
- [Grunts]
- [Bangs Furniture]
One sick puppy!
Rubber chicken.
Figures.
Well, Van Welker.
Hmm.
Easy Cheese.
Can I help you?
So, um, exactly how much butterfat
is there in your low butterfat Brie?
I think, um,
like three or four milligrams an ounce.
Wow.
That's low!
So, is that less than your cholesterol-free
Dutch Gouda back there?
- I'll have to check.
- [Man] And a lactic acid, salt...
Gotcha, Van Welker.
- Ready for dinner, son?
- Ready, Dad.
- All right. Hand-held video game,
downstage on the couch.
- Yeah.
Mitt and
comic books here.
- Galactic Gladiator. Whose are those?
- They're mine.
You read comics? I thought you were
a 62-year-old in a kid suit.
Yeah, well, I have to
hide 'em when I'm at home.
If my dad sees 'em, he'll say somethin' stupid
like, "You're too smart to read comics."
Remember, Mud, just 'cause you're smart
doesn't mean you can't act stupid.
It's your constitutional right,
young man.
Okay.
[Claps Hands] For tonight's menu...
chicken, lima beans!
Lima beans?
Ha.
- Sorry, I don't eat lima beans.
- Sorry, pal.
It's our green vegetable. We gotta convince
the lovely doctor that your daddy...
is taking good care
of you, Morris.
The reason I came to camp was to get away
from computers and lima beans, so forget it!
- [Horn Honking]
- I'm not gonna eat it.
- I don't have time to argue.
- Too bad.
- How 'bout a buck a bean?
- What?
One dollar for every bean you eat.
Ten beans, ten bucks.
- No.
- Come on! That's more than
the government pays farmers...
- not to grow 'em.
- Fine.
- Good!
- Great!
- [Dunbar] Hello?
- Remember, we're a happy family.
- I'm happy!
- We're up! We're positive.
- I'm up! I'm positive!
- We're making eye contact.
- Fine!
- Anybody home?
- Come in.
Hi.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- Boy, this chicken's really great.
- Great lima beans, Dad.
- 63.
- Wow!
I've never seen a kid with such a taste
for lima beans. This is amazing.
- 64.
- Yeah, it's great.
Just don't fill up
on those things, Morris.
We've got ice cream
for desert.
- I got plenty of room.
- Slow down, Morris.
- 70!
- I'd hate to see you choke.
I'll get the ice cream.
- He's a really great kid.
- Yeah.
- You get a lot of help from his grandparents?
- I, uh...
He had a great relationship
with my father.
But, uh, Dad died
a couple of years ago.
I'm sorry.
Mud, you must miss your grandpa, huh?
Uh, yeah, but he promised
to take me fishing next fall.
I haven't had the heart
to tell him yet.
[Whispering]
That's not healthy, Dennis.
I know. I know.
Soon.
[Radio Playing "Linger"]
You got a stomachache
or something?
Hungry?
Are you homesick?
Hey, you can help me
clean this carburetor.
- We'll play poker!
- Can we make a necklace?
You want me
to make a necklace?
Okay, a necklace it is.
This kind of necklace?
All right. Why don't you take this
back to your cabin...
pick out the ones you like and tomorrow
we'll make me a necklace.
[Chuckling]
Thanks, Zack.
[Continues]
That was really sweet,
Zack.
Yeah.
You know, if you wore a skirt right now,
I'd be in heaven.
Tres immature,
don't you think?
Yeah. Sorry I'm not
mature enough for you.
And her dad
was a surgeon.
And he's wiped out.
I think we should put him to bed.
Which room is his?
Um, that one.
I gave him the big one.
- Need help?
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- I got it.
- Okay.
So, anyway, his dad
was a surgeon.
I was the rebel and became
a general practitioner.
- Are you sure I can't help?
- Oh, no, you stay there.
- Pour yourself some more wine.
- Okay.
[Grunts]
He sure loves his room.
- So you're really gonna drop out, huh?
- Yeah.
Probably.
Yeah, well, I've thought
about dropping out.
And then, you know,
go back and get my degree later.
That's what
Drew Barrymore did.
Yeah, but you can't
drop out!
I mean, who'd sing
"The Greatest Love of All" at assembly?
Don't remind me.
Yeah, it must be hell being
the most popular person in our grade.
- Yeah, you should know.
- Nah.
People don't really like me.
They're just afraid of me.
Yeah, well,
I'm not afraid of you.
- You're not?
- Nope.
'Cause you're
not that big.
And you're not as bad as you want
everyone to think you are.
Yeah, well,
I'm not afraid of you either!
[Dennis] The only question on the final was,
what didn't you learn in this class?
- Cool! That's great!
- Yeah.
- So why did you quit?
- Huh?
Teaching, I mean.
Uh, I, uh...
don't know.
[Sighs]
I think I remember
why I started.
I had this naive notion
that I could reach the kids...
inspire them,
not just to be actors...
inspired... accountants...
inspired trombone players...
inspired doctors.
Like you.
[Heavy Metal Guitar]
[Kids Cheering]
- [Continues]
- [Laughing, Yelling]
[Yelling]
I'll kick your butt!
Come here! Where are you?
[Continues]
[Knocking]
[Knocking]
We're out here,
in Mud's room.
Good Lord...
there must have been
a tornado.
- Guess I owe you an explanation.
- You owe the parents an explanation.
- I told you, my parents are the problem.
- Mine too.
Kids can get hurt or sick overnight
with no adult supervision.
I'm an adult.
Technically.
Look, I'll...
I'll look after them.
I'll be a full-time adult.
Oh? Like you were
a full-time drama teacher?
And Mud's father?
Well, the father part...
was... a stretch...
but the teacher,
the free spirit...
the sexual dynamo,
that's me.
I bet you don't even
like lima beans.
Celeste...
do you really think
I'd let anything happen to these kids?
There's two weeks left
in the summer.
I'll let you examine
every one of them.
They're not criminals.
Give 'em a break,
please?
Please?
I don't like this.
I really, really
don't like this.
Trish is the lead in Annie,
directed by Steven Spielberg's nephew.
- And we're not gonna see it!
- Well, I'm sure Caitlin won't mind.
Trish, dear. Her name is Trish.
And I mind.
"No Parents' Day."
It's ridiculous!
Well, you know, we do have a standing
invitation from your sister upstate.
Let's make a weekend of it
and just drop by, hmm?
What are they gonna do,
spit on us?
I suppose that depends on how much
she's been drinking.
Not your sister, dear.
I meant the camp people.
[Tape Rewinding,
Machine Beeping]
Uh, hello,
this is Michael Burkey.
We heard the Prescotts are coming to see
their Trish in Annie this Sunday...
so we thought we'd come
see our Heather too.
- [All Groaning]
- [Machine Beeping]
Hi, this is Dorothy Welton,
Walter's mom.
I know you discourage
parents from visiting...
but my husband will be in the area
on a business trip Sunday...
- Yeah. Business trip?
- [Sighing]
Right!
He owns a dry cleaners.
Maybe he's going
to a stain convention.
We're screwed.
We are so screwed.
[Kids Agreeing]
We're screwed.
- Not necessarily, you guys.
- We're worse than screwed,
you guys, we're dead.
- I've got an idea.
- Blow your idea, dwarf.
We can't fight our parents.
He's right, Mud. They're older,
they're meaner and they outnumber us.
- I've got an idea!
- Besides, maybe if we
come up with something...
Shut up, Zack!
- You want me to pound him?
- Yeah, Zack. You want him to pound me?
You're not gonna let this pygmy
tell you what to do, are you?
That's what he's been doing all along.
This whole camp was Mud's idea.
If it wasn't for Mud, I'd be scrubbing toilets
with a toothbrush at Steelgrave.
- Zack, you said it was your...
- Shut up, Tim!
Get up there, buddy.
[Sighs]
Okay, you guys, it's simple.
- All the parents want a Parents' Day, right?
- [Kids Agreeing]
Okay, so we'll give 'em a Parents' Day,
all four camps. And on the day they want it.
[Muttering Unhappily]
You guys, it's like
Winston Churchill once said...
"All our past lives has been
but a preparation...
for this hour
and this trial."
Okay, forget
Winston Churchill.
Look, anybody who wants
to give me the next 36 hours...
to pull off the greatest
scam of all time...
just raise your hand.
[Rock]
~~ All right ~~
~~ I got eight little fingers
and only two thumbs ~~
~~ Will you leave me in peace
while I get thejob done ~~
~~ Can't you see
I'm working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Well, they're coming from above me
They're coming from below ~~
~~ Yeah, they're right behind me
everywhere that I go ~~
~~ And my buddy, he's screaming
down the telephone line ~~
~~ He says, gimme, gimme, gimme
'cause I ain't got the time ~~
~~I said, oh
Oh-oh ~~
- ~~ I'm working on it ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh
I'm working on it ~~
- Yes!
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh, how 'bout lovin; girl
Just you and me ~~
~~ Take a day
Take a day, yeah ~~
- ~~ And fly ~~
- ~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh, this job has got
the best of me ~~
~~ Working on it ~~
~~ Oh-oh
I've been working on it ~~
Anyway, I gotta go do laundry.
I'll see you Sunday at 3:00.
Okay, bye.
Hi, Mom.
Yeah, this is Arnold.
Hey, guess what?
There's gonna be a Parents' Day after all.
[Cheering, Applauding]
- [Cheering, Applauding Continues]
- Bravo, bravo!
[Winston Churchill's Voice] We shall defend
our island, whatever the cost may be.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields
and in the streets.
We shall never surrender.
The enemy's arrived.
[Mud]
Okay, cue Savage.
Savage to foxhole.
We've got company.
- Roger.
- Roger.
Stop! Stop!
- Come on, come on. Fire zone, stay down!
- [Machine Gun Fire]
- Stay down! Fire zone!
- [Yelling]
- Hi, Dad.
- Nice to see you.
[Gunfire Continues]
Full field exercise.
All campers and parents are combatants.
- More firepower.
- [Gunfire On Speaker]
- [Panting]
- Watch your six.
- [Gunfire Continues]
- Come on, Dad. Move yourjets!
Oh! Damn it!
- Our job is to post the ridge
and hold the position.
- Check.
- Okay, whatever you do... Heads up!
- Hey!
- Watch out for...
- Booby traps?
- [Grunts]
- Yes!
Okay, remember, we can't
leave our positions, even to piss.
Major says that's
tantamount to desertion.
Yeah.
[Panting]
- Check.
- Attack!
Fox is in the hole.
We'll check on him in a few hours.
- Okay, military parents in the hole. Hatch shut.
- Got it!
Let's hit the switch.
Go signs, go actors. Dennis, you are up.
Exit Savage.
Enter Grotowski.
Direct hit.
Ready for drama camp.
Hey! This is my goddamn house and
I'll talk any goddamn way I want to!
Now, Stanley! There's no call to use
such language to Blanche.
[Eastern European Accent]
No, no, Eileen, Stanley is animal...
savage!
What, what?
Can you not see I am with children?
Bob Spiegel, Arnold's father.
We're looking for the production of Annie.
This is Tennessee
for Tots Workshop.
Theater is down the hill.
You must hurry.
You are late.
- Late? Parents' Day starts at noon.
- Nine!
- Arnold told me noon!
- Hurry!
Tennessee to H.Q.,
the Spiegels have landed.
[Norris]
God, I hate these horse shows!
[Rachel]
This is theater camp, dear.
Two theater bogies
on final approach.
- Talk 'em in, Amber.
- Ready sound, ready chorus, ready, Walter.
- Damn it, how did you screw up the time?
- She distinctly said it was noon!
- I'm sorry, the place is packed.
- [Groans]
But I'll let you in the side door
so you can watch from the wings.
[Parent Chattering
Excitedly]
Go!
Roger that.
~~ [Piano]
~ Tomorrow, tomorrow ~
~ I love ya, tomorrow ~
~~ You're only a day ~~
~~ A-way ~~
[Applause On Tape]
Blind 'em!
- Let's go, let's go!
- Thank you!
Bravo, bravo!
[Applause Continues]
- Oh, hi, Mom!
- Mom, Dad!
Oh, darling!
You were... wonderful!
- How did I do?
- Loved that opening number.
They bought it.
Let's go!
Yes!
[Muttering]
Theater parents, gone.
Move Annie out. Everything.
Raise the dummies, hurry!
Raise the Christmas tree.
Don't forget the snow. We've gotta
clean out the room for fat camp.
Hurry! Hurry!
Ready for the fatties.
Go sign, go liverwurst, go aerobics music!
[Dance]
[Together]
Yes!
- [Both Grunt]
- Sleek-away sign, clear!
All right,
let's sweat!
- [Continues]
- Tummies tucked, buttocks pinched!
Only 600 more!
Then you can taste
some of our famous chocolate cake!
- Where are the C-rations?
- Right here.
- How's your dad?
- Miserable. He hates liverwurst.
- Thanks.
- [Chuckling]
- Oh, my God!
- Mom?
- Oh, my God, you are so skinny!
- Really, I can explain.
You see, it...
I'm what?
Look at you, you're bony.
What, did you lose 10, 15 pounds?
- Here, turn around. Let me look at you.
- Mom, stop!
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be in the islands.
I missed you.
- What?
- Look at you, you're practically svelte.
Yeah.
[Both Laughing]
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- I'm really glad you came.
- Me too.
- Want a piece of chocolate cake?
- Sure.
Hey, Dad,
how're you holdin' out?
- [Groans] Freezing my nuts off!
- You can thaw 'em out later.
We got a cease fire
till 12:45...
- so I snuck some lunch through the lines.
- All right.
- Hey, watch out!
- What? What?
Oh, a decoy.
Here.
Oh, man, that looks good.
Thanks.
- [Spits]
- [Machine Gun Fire]
I give up!
[Clears Throat]
- Mom? What?
- Sorry to wake you, Officer.
T.R. Polk,
Bulldog Collections.
Trying to get a line on a 1979 Gremlin,
Caribbean yellow.
That's strange.
So am I.
Is that so?
Tell me, you happen
to know this guy?
Mr. Polk, I think we have
something to talk about.
- This is ridiculous!
- Dad!
Duck!
Have a good one!
- Loads on the road.
- Go.
- All right, fat parents are clear. What's next?
- Hurry up!
We have 16 minutes to pull the switch.
This is the big one.
Go, go, come on!
Change to the last sign.
Check.
Fire.
- Hurry, Tim!
- Got it!
- [Tim] Uh-oh.
- We got trouble. The sign's stuck!
We got a snafu
at the sign, Mud.
[Ashley]
We're in big trouble!
Go, go!
Come on, Jill.
- Pull!
- It's stuck!
[Mr. Himmel] We'll be there in a couple of
minutes. I knew we could do it in two hours.
[Mud]
Talk to me, Amber.
- How much time do we have?
- 15 seconds.
Pete, Tim, do something!
Tim, it's over!
We're dead!
Whoa!
- [Groans]
- The sign's clear.
We may have lost Jill.
[Chuckles, Blubbers]
Let's go!
[Mr. Himmel]
You see, 82.5 miles.
The nerds are here.
Over.
I just don't understand
how we messed up the time.
- I thought it started at 5:00.
- Mega-regrets for the time confusion.
You can still catch
the end of our demo.
This is our computer center. We have
- Okay, we're cracking codes.
- [Dennis] Entry codes of course.
- [Mud] We're into Pineview.
- Let's see what we can do in mode yellow.
- What are you doing, boys?
- Mode yellow?
Is this Pineview...
Air Force Base?
Status confirm.
Yes or no?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- No!
[Walter]
Okay, let's scramble thejets.
- Good Lord, what is happening here?
- Relax, it's not a real alert.
They can't crack Pentagon codes.
[Laughing Nervously]
Can you?
- Incoming!
- [Shouting]
[Dennis]
Well, that concludes our demonstration.
We have to perform some,
uh, routine maintenance.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Dennis will fix it. I just think I should
stay here and help him out.
- No problem. We'll be waiting out in the car.
- Good idea.
Good-bye.
Thanks for coming.
We have to report back
to the interrogation tent.
Well, l-l-l-I'd like
to go, Son...
but I've got a busy day tomorrow:
A few meetings, dry cleaners.
- I'll see you when you get home from camp.
- Okay.
It's a fine camp.
I had a great time.
Don't worry. I read in Newsweek some
- Now he gets 100,000 a year
as a security consultant.
- Excuse me, folks.
You haven't, by any chance,
seen this man, have you?
You mean Mr. Wozniak?
Okay, he was
right... here.
[Coughing]
Huh?
[Grunting]
[Yells]
[All Gasping]
Dennis Van Welker?
Morris?
Hi, Dad.
Where's Van Welker, kid?
Uh, I seriously,
truthfully do not know.
Mr. And Mrs. Himmel.
This kid says Van Welker's got a cabin
down by the lake, sir.
- Ricky!
- Huh. He tortured me.
Send somebody to get him. I want to
talk to this Van Welker clown, pronto!
Yes, sir.
Mr. And Mrs. Himmel...
how much weight
did your son actually lose?
Dennis, they're coming
after you, the cops!
The moms are going crazy
and the kids are getting worried!
- Whoa-oh, slow down!
- What are we gonna do?
Mud, I can't speak for "we."
I can only speak for "me."
And "me" is getting out of here
just as fast as my Goodyear radials can go.
Dennis,
this is serious.
Yes, a lot more serious
for me than for you.
You're a kid! What can they do?
Spank you? Ground you?
If they ground me, Mud...
it's gonna be
in a concrete room...
with a vertical bar motif
and a 200-pound fiance named Duke.
- Dennis, you can't just leave.
- Mud, it's gonna be okay.
Here's what you do: Get lost,
vanish into the woods for five, six hours.
When you show up, they'll be so glad
you hadn't been eaten by bears...
they'll let
the other stuff slide.
- I guess.
- Guaranteed!
It'll be like
a movie-of-the-week!
Okay.
Mud, sit down.
[Sighs]
I'm sorry things didn't work out, Mud.
Sometimes the windmill
of the gods...
casts us up
to the stars.
Sometimes it flings us
down into the dirt.
Au revoir...
mon ami.
See ya.
- Hey, Mud.
- Dr. Dunbar.
How come
you're not at camp?
- Camp's over. We got busted.
- Yeah, I know.
Where's Dennis?
The police are looking for him.
I mean, if they catch him...
He'll be held responsible.
So, let me guess.
He took off.
So, what are you
doing here?
- Uh, I thought I'd hang out
in the woods for a while.
- Right.
Till your parents were so worried
they wouldn't think about punishing you.
Something tells me
that wasn't your idea.
Been planning this
for five, six years.
The camp idea
was perfect!
Find kids with access
to cash...
get 'em away from their parents,
lots of junk food.
Win their confidence,
then start with the religious indoctrination.
- He didn't take off.
- No, I guess he didn't.
His title was "Most High
And Holy Worship."
Rama Sri Havagnoli.
- That's H-A-V-A...
- Nice try, Dennis.
Look, you guys...
this whole thing wasn't his idea;
it was my idea.
- [Sighs]
- Ah, yes.
The Himmel child,
very gullible.
He fell hook, line and sinker.
Show 'em your tattoo, Mud.
Okay, Dennis,
you can drop it.
Look, if it was your idea,
where's the money?
Ah, yes, it's hidden.
In my sock?
Look, Officer, l-l-I don't know
what's going on...
b-b-but I know my Morris
is a good boy...
- Dad, you don't know.
- He's too smart to get involved in anything.
Dad, just 'cause I'm smart doesn't mean
I can't act stupid!
Well, if Mud's guilty,
I am too.
Me too.
I'm smart enough
to act stupid.
Yeah, and I'm stupid too!
Well, you know
what I mean.
I can't believe nobody's pressing charges.
This guy's gonna walk.
Not necessarily.
He still owes me 2,800 bucks in penalties.
Who do I see about
gettin' a bench warrant?
Excuse me, Mr. Polk. About the money
Dennis owes you, I think this will cover it.
- You're a little short.
- Well, you're a little fat.
If you sue him, what are you gonna get,
a couple Winston Churchill albums?
- Please? Come on.
- I could write it off against expenses.
T.R. Polk retires
with a perfect record.
[Mr. Himmel]
Hey, Mud!
- If you're ever in Boca, don't look me up.
- I'll do that.
- Guess I messed up pretty bad, huh?
- You messed up big time.
Anyway.
I, uh, I brought you
something.
- [Chuckles] Galactic Gladiator?
- September issue.
- He battles the, uh, Jupiter Squad.
- Yeah.
- Cool!
- Yeah, it is pretty cool. [Laughing]
By the way,
you're grounded until you're 30.
Yeah, I know.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- [Horn Honking]
- Hey, Mudster. What do you
think of my new wheels?
Hey, it looks great!
Zack, you're giving away your new car?
Just till I graduate.
Zack, you're not
dropping out?
Gotta be there for
"The Greatest Love of All."
[Dennis]
Hey, Mud!
Dennis!
Well, Mud, I hope you've
learned something from all this.
- Yeah, I probably did.
- Good.
- When you figure it out,
you will let me know, won't you?
- Mm-hmm.
- It was a great summer, Dennis.
- I kind of enjoyed it too.
Thanks.
Your parents okay
about all this?
Yeah, my dad's just glad
I didn't get arrested, you know?
Wouldn't look good
on my college application.
Now all they have to worry
about is coming up...
with $20,000 a year
to send you there.
$20,000?
You see, Mud...
- you really do have...
- Potential?
- Maybe next summer.
- I'll call you.
- Trish?
- Oh, hi, Daddy.
Don't you think that Zack
should wait here for his own parents?
Uh, couldn't
he ride with us?
Please?
- Come on, Zack.
- Sure, Mitch.
Hey, Mud.
Well, thanks
for a great summer.
- Ow! Wha...
- You promised! Only ex-geeks.
I know, I know.
I'm... sorry.
Well... bye.
Bye.
- Dennis!
- Huh?
I'm just proud of him, that's all.
Tough to watch my boy grow up, though.
- [Out Of Breath] Uh, bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Adios.
- Bye, Dr. Dunbar.
- Bye, Mud.
[Rock Guitar]
["Summertime Blues"]
Walter!
What?
Walter,
I've been thinking.
You know,
you're a big talker...
but do you
have the guts?
W-W-What are you
talking about?
Well, Walter...
everyone else is
at the other end of the beach.
Do... you have...
the guts?
[Squeaky Voice]
Whoa!
Yes!
Gee, Walter...
you really do have
the guts.
Just not an extra
bathing suit.
Betty?
Betty!
Betty?
~~ Hey, hey, hey ~~
[Hard Rock]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
- ~~ Nowhere ~~
- [Kid Laughing]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
[Kid Laughing]
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~
~~ Nowhere ~~~~
[Walter]
Bet-ty!