Camping 3 (2016) Movie Script
1
Hello, hello, campers,
this is Radio Camping.
Today,
the temperature will be 30 degrees.
And tonight, don't forget
the big flip-flop throwing contest.
The record to beat is 36.15 meters.
I don't mind, you know.
Come on, don't be mad, sir.
I'm not, but when...
I agreed to carpool with Vanessa,
I wasn't expecting the 2 Be 3!
- The what?
- The 2 Be 3.
A very good '90s band,
like the Beatles.
Except that there are three of them.
Well, there were three of them.
Philippe died in 2009.
Vanessa's my sister.
She had a problem,
it's not our fault.
Right...
Who wants a Babybel?
Thanks.
Don't throw away the wrapper,
I make candles out of it.
SOMEWHERE NEAR CHATEAUROUX...
What's wrong, Jacky?
We've been around the roundabout
five times now.
I don't remember where we're going.
We're going to Arcachon,
just like the last 50 years.
We've been together 50 years?
Hm.
It might be time
to change the candles.
To be honest,
I know young people well.
I have a 17- year- old daughter.
Kimberley.
Kimberley?
Yeah, like in
The Young and the Restless.
What do you do, Benji?
I'm in business school,
like everyone else.
But my real hobby is music...
I mean, what are you
doing with your chips?
Are you feeding the car?
Either you eat them out the window
or you wait for our next stop.
What about you Jos?
I don't like chips!
I mean in life, what do you do?
I'm a stretcher- bearer
at the hospital in Dijon.
Wow!
What about you, Robert?
- Why is he formal with me?
- I'd rather be.
Things go fast today.
I don't want to start like
I don't respect your difference, etc.
not me.
What do you do in life?
Me? Same...
It's a project, too.
Let's go!
End of the line, everybody out!
Got everything?
Is someone picking you up?
No, we're meeting a buddy
working at Club Mickey.
He has an apartment in town,
we're going to sleep over.
That's great.
Sounds great.
Thanks, sir.
Glad to be of service.
Have a nice vacation, kids!
Have a nice vacation.
A FILM BY FABIEN ONTENIENTE
Calm down. Calm down, Mr. Chirac.
I understand you're confused!
When I took over
Les Flots Bleus for Campol,
it was closer to an Indian
reservation than a campsite.
I came from the restaurant business.
I was the manager
of the Buffalo Grill
at the Pau ring road, south exit.
Between Leather Center and Shoe Mart.
So with this experience, I completely
restructured the campsite
like the Americans do.
The tents and trailers
are now in Beverly Hills,
in the southern part of the campsite.
Beverly Hills?
But that side is by the water.
Sure, but Beverly Hills
is 20% cheaper.
Mr. Carello!
The Wi- Fi's down in the fitness room.
Oh, Patrick... You're here!
Site 37. What are you doing?
I work here, buddy!
I'm in so much trouble
that to pay for my spot
Mr. Carello kindly
offered that I handle the technical
and logistical coordination
of outdoor structures.
Is Paulo here?
He just arrived, but alone.
What about Sophie?
- They got divorced.
- Both of them?
She found his browsing history.
And I can tell you
it wasn't just pizza delivery!
I better get back to it.
See you at the aperitif!
- Gaby!
- Yeah?
Remember to fix
the bathroom fittings in 22.
It's overflowing
and running down the aisles.
OK, boss.
Well, enjoy your vacation,
Mr. Chirac!
My name's Stphane Carello.
But everyone calls me Stphane here.
Our brochure.
You're in for a treat, Patoche.
I hope so, Stphanoche.
How can you be sure
you'll find a job?
I went to a psychic before I left.
She said that
if I did good around me,
I was in for a nice surprise.
I know she meant a job.
The unemployment office
might be a safer bet.
Or Lourdes.
- And you believe her?
- Well, I paid her.
So if you do good, you get a job.
You just have to be Tinkerbell!
Did she say what kind of job
you could get?
Laurette, she's a psychic,
not a temp agency!
Ooh those flies are so annoying!
Look at the ribbon I bought.
I don't understand
why there are so many flies here!
The Beverly Hills, yeah, right!
Look at this!
We're parked at the back, like rats.
It's nice here.
- We're on vacation, my friends!
- Not everyone.
There's Jacky.
We can have a drink now.
What's up, Jacky?
Hello, sir.
Can I have a drink Jacqueline?
Laurette, Jacky!
Oh...
And that's your fourth today.
Yes, we'll tell him! We'll tell him!
What's with Jacky?
Look, Patrick...
We didn't want to tell you...
But Jacky's not
in his right mind anymore.
I feel like he's losing his memory.
Especially with drinks!
He forgets to drink?
Fuck me...
No, he forgets
he's already had a drink!
He thinks he's still
on the first one!
Damn!
He didn't even notice
he didn't have a spot anymore.
There it is.
I brought you some sausage!
Well, I see that everyone
is served except me!
Alright!
Pastis between friends!
Is a full pastis!
And long live Marrakesh!
I'm happy because
this year Kimberley
will probably join me.
I promised her mother
I wouldn't take her
to Shogun this year.
She was eight last time,
she got a bit bored.
How old is she now?
Seventeen.
It's hard without my daughter.
- I haven't seen her for two months.
- I'm sure she doesn't call!
Of course not.
Yes, the other day,
she sent me a picture of her breasts.
She had the wrong number.
Shit, I forgot my washcloth.
Just plug the sink with your pasta!
You look lost, Paulo.
Sophie did the dishes.
She loved it.
I look like an idiot now.
Don't you protect your hands?
- No.
- Be careful.
Soft hands are important, Patrick.
- Did you meet someone?
- I try, but I'm not in the mood.
The other day,
I was vaguely into a chick,
28 years old, nice ass, but...
when she found out how old I was,
she took off.
She called me a liar.
- How old did you say?
- Forty- three.
Come on, Paulo...
We're 50, come back down to Earth!
You want the truth?
You haven't looked 43
for a long time.
Honestly, Paulo, with your physique,
you don't need plastic surgery,
you need magic!
Your hair's the most important.
I'm lucky,
it turns blonde in the sun.
Did you dye yours?
Are you crazy?
- How old do you say you are?
- Thirty- two.
Lucky you,
you're younger than last year!
I only say I'm 32 at Les Flots Bleus
when I have a nice tan.
I didn't say how old I was today,
but after spending the day
at the beach tomorrow,
I'll slowly bring that number down.
At the Shogun, when it's dark,
with my Armani jacket,
my white tennis shoes
and a nice cologne,
I intend to go down to 29!
It's going to be a nice vacation,
Paulo.
Ah! Fuck!
I was thinking about your problem
with women last night.
It's like a guy
who fell off his bike.
You have to get back on it.
Got it!
It's important, Paulo, trust me.
You have to get a girl fast.
Beautiful, ugly, redhead,
who cares, you have to get laid!
You really have to get back to it,
Paulo.
Patrick! Patrick!
What are you doing here?
- It's a nightmare, sir!
- Tell him.
We were supposed to stay with Kevin,
our friend from Club Mickey!
- Yeah.
- It's simple:
when we arrived, he kindly told us
he met some chick last night
and we couldn't stay over.
Patrick!
- If there's a problem, I'm here.
- It's OK, I know them.
So basically we're on the street.
I wanted to go home,
but since the carpooling went well,
we thought that
maybe we could share your tent.
Like sleep- pooling!
That's it!
Just for two or three days...
Kevin never stays with a chick
for more than three days.
He's a romantic,
he's afraid to get attached.
I'm sorry, guys.
Vacations are sacred!
And I'm very motivated this year.
I'm not immune
to bringing a girlfriend or two...
maybe three.
So, in terms of room...
We get it thanks.
Let's go, guys.
Bye!
Arrivederci!
What about Tinkerbell, Patrick?
Not nice, no job in the fall!
And they're kids,
they're entitled to a vacation.
Jos!
Well, I'll remind you of the basics.
Pick up your bowl, wash your bowl,
put your bowl away. Secondly.
Don't dry your beach towel
on your friend's beach towel.
Or it'll never dry.
And use a clean towel,
without any sand, of course.
Remember,
sand is the enemy
of polyethylene floor mats.
OK? Got it? Ah!
Thirdly and not least,
you don't leave
an empty roll of toilet paper.
Think of your friends.
Basically, this is not a hotel.
We noticed.
- Hi, Jean- Marc!
- Hi, Jacky.
And of course,
no drugs here.
- OK?
- We don't smoke.
Right... You're young.
- What's this?
- Don't touch.
That's what I call my "just in case."
It's my guestbook...
for girlfriends who come if they want
to leave a little message.
It's nice.
Do we agree?
My daughter will probably arrive
within the week so three days.
Alright?
Oy, oy, campers! Today...
Oh I'm late...
Eight candidates have a date
with destiny!
Yes, in five minutes,
in front of the snack bar,
the Camping Koh Lantong will start
and its grandiose trials!
Ready, Paulo?
Hurry up, Patrick!
The reds are waiting for us.
Wish me luck, kids!
See you later.
Maybe.
Dad's weird!
Alright.
Stop that, it's not cool.
Come see this.
Yeah, the guy's a player!
What a liar!
It's the same handwriting everywhere.
He just changed his pen.
You guys are harsh!
I think he's cool!
On the run!
We left for Arcach, Arcach!
We came from Dijon, from Dijon.
We got to Arcachon,
chon- chon- chon, chon- chon- chon...
Shh.
Ladies.
- Hello, sir.
- Well, sir...
Who sat in my chair?
We don't know, sir.
It's my test chair.
It breaks over 52 kilos.
It's to test girls.
You need to sew it back up.
Excuse me, ladies.
You need to keep it down,
we can hear you
all the way down there.
This isn't St. Tropez,
it's a campsite.
It's almost 10 p.m.,
people are resting.
Or play around.
Don't worry,
we'll go party somewhere else.
Comfortable, are you?
I just gave her a tour.
Well, we're off, Patrick.
All of you? The girls too?
Yeah.
Want me to drop you off?
Cap- Ferret is busy this year.
Oh...
"My wife's name is Laurette.
"I'm staying at site 51."
Do your crossword, Jacky,
you need to work on your memory.
Franois Hollande's handsome!
I can see why actresses like him.
Still,
he missed a penalty in the final.
- A penalty?
- Yes.
We really need to go see someone,
Jacky.
Well, before I go see someone,
I'm going to have my first drink!
Skl, skl!
Guys! Ven aqui...
- Ladies.
- Hello!
I'll drive you, shelter you,
but don't fuck with me.
There are three missing!
It was full yesterday!
I'm on a budget. A box of 12
has to last the vacation.
One more thing...
Come on!
What's this?
Don't put your pot in my Benco!
Benco is sacred, it's to wake me up,
not to put me to sleep!
Evening Benco,
I fall asleep like a log,
morning Benco,
I wake up like a rabbit.
There.
Do we have to listen
to old people's music?
No way...
Demis Roussos is old people's music?
Come on now...
"Forever and ever," "Rain and Tears."
"From souvenirs to souvenirs."
Next they'll say Elton John is crap.
Who?
Patrick,
who put my chairs in the tree?
It wasn't us!
We need to figure it out,
I'm not a squirrel!
We need to talk, guys.
It takes forever
to get a shower here!
Good timing!
Yesterday, 12:15, today 12:30,
if it goes on like this,
we'll eat at 1 tomorrow.
Let's go.
Alright...
I think it's time
to get something straight
before things get out of hand!
From now on, and I mean from now on,
you'll have to follow
something called the rules!
Because until proven otherwise,
you're here in my home, in my tent.
OK?
Use a ladder, Paulo!
The Shogun.
Isn't it the Shogun?
Here sir, thank you.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
I can't guarantee a return trip.
I'll probably be drunk,
so not sure I'll recognize you.
Yeah, we get it.
Can I have my brother
and his friends?
Oh shit, that's right!
Get out of there!
The trunk is half price.
Ah, thanks.
There was a helmet in it.
Yeah, I know.
That's for when I speed.
Thanks again.
- Thanks.
- Have a good night.
Glad to be of service.
Are you guys hot tonight?
So make some noise!
Welcome to the Shogun.
She's good, she's from Narbonne!
- She's tight, she's from...
- Cap- Ferret!
You're crazy, huh?
No, I'm on vacation.
And from now on, do me a favor,
let's stop being so formal, guys.
- First name basis, OK?
- OK!
I hear the foam is coming.
Are you ready?
Yeah!
Patrick!
Are you there Shogun?
Yeah!
There you are, Paulo.
To think Sophie and I celebrated our
20th wedding anniversary here.
Come on... A banana Malibu!
We're going to check things out!
Yeah!
When are your squatters leaving?
Tomorrow.
The holidays can really start
if you know what I mean...
- Are you there Shogun?
- Yeah!
Welcome to the Shogun.
Three, two, one...
Here comes the foam!
Paulo,
Look at that chick over there!
She's for you.
Paulo, you have to bounce back!
The bike, Paulo!
It's the best way to get over it.
A good cougar stalking her prey.
Look, Paulo, look!
She's checking you out.
It's time for a safari, go ahead!
- You think so?
- Yeah, go for it!
- Go!
- Wait, wait...
What a crazy night!
Bad ass, right?
- Yeah!
- It's so hot in there.
Yeah, the AC sucks.
But it's fun,
it feels like
a vacation nightclub at least.
You just got here?
Yeah,
we're at the campsite next door.
- What about you?
- Cap- Ferret, across the street.
We got to go, man!
- Your parents will be pissed again.
- True.
- What are your names, girls?
- Oh!
You don't have to yell,
we're outside.
I'm Morgane.
That's my friend, Charlotte.
What about you? I mean, y'all?
- Benji.
- Jos.
Robert.
Shitty foam party!
It's over, you hear me!
But go to the Licorne, honey.
Sabrina!
Paulo was clumsy.
That's not what he meant.
Tell your colleague that a cougar
is when the woman is older.
And that's not really the case,
gentlemen!
- Sabrina!
- Shut up!
That's right,
get the fuck out of here!
Good riddance!
- Bitch!
- Fuck you!
- Whore!
- Asshole!
Small dick!
Don't worry kids,
we're just flirting.
Guys, I may be prying, but...
why you didn't go on vacation
with your parents, at your age?
I was supposed to go with them!
But the car was full.
2,000 km to Lisbon
with six people in the car!
One had to stay behind.
We drew names and I got it.
- Portuguese?
- Yeah.
What about you Robert?
My mother told me:
"It's the hairdresser or vacation."
What about you, Benji?
Benji didn't want to go see his dad.
You don't like your dad, Benji?
No, but he didn't encourage him
when he auditioned for The Voice.
You auditioned for The Voice?
Yeah, but I didn't get in, so...
How's Jennifer?
- What are you doing, Patrick?
- A fly potato.
- A fly potato?
- A fly potato.
To trap flies! When you make fries,
keep one potato,
dig a hole and put honey in it.
The fly gets caught in the honey
and starts auditioning
for Dancing With the Stars.
Why a potato?
Because it's also a lightning rod.
What about bug spray?
Because I want fries!
Got it.
Good one!
- I got it!
- Go Patrick!
- Go, Patrick! Go, go!
- Ah!
Yeah!
Shirts: 3.
Skins: 2.
Damn, I can see their dicks!
- Paulo! Paulo!
- Yeah!
I don't want to see that!
Patrick!
Break time!
What's wrong, Jos?
The sun's hurting my eyes!
We're leaving, Patrick!
We said three days.
Kevin broke up with his girlfriend.
The way is clear.
Well, thanks guys and...
say hi to Kvin...
Enjoy your vacation, kids.
Let's get back to it!
- Places...
- Yeah.
Send it in, Babar!
Yes?
Mrs. Pic,
can we have a word?
He's been with us for an hour.
He already drank our boxed wine.
And now he's getting into our beer.
- I'm going to get mad!
- Oh, my God...
Jacky!
Francine, I can't find the peanuts!
Where did you stash them?
This isn't your place, sir,
it's ours. Ours!
Jacky! This is
Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kerkoff's place,
who want to take
their stuff to the beach.
Just pour them a drink!
Pastis before the beach,
pastis that relieves!
Another shower for my gullet!
Come to the party, kids.
Hurry up,
I still have flyers
to distribute on the beaches
for the Numbers and Letters party.
You have to wear a wig for that?
The boss thinks it's more salesy,
less off- putting.
Gaby, Gaby, sewer backup in Waikiki,
get there before the beach.
You got any kids?
Yeah, probably.
Why do they spend their time
texting, but mine doesn't?
I haven't heard from her!
She's 17,
maybe she doesn't have a cell phone.
Or no reception.
Tonight, in the Ukulele center,
a Numbers and letters party
hosted by Bertrand.
See you tonight, buddy.
What are you doing here?
- Well, Kevin.
- What about Kevin?
He got back with his girlfriend.
She even moved in with him.
Robert even saw
a pink razor on the sink.
- Oh fuck, she has a mustache?
- No, but she has legs.
That's not good, guys.
Three days with a girl
starts creating memories.
What do we do, Patrick?
What do we do? You guys are funny.
Patrick Chirac isn't a resort, guys!
Alright.
Morning dishes, lunch dishes,
evening dishes!
And as soon as my daughter arrives,
you're out, OK?
A Pastis with the kids!
Pastis is fun!
So how's Jennifer?
Stop it, I just auditioned.
I didn't get in anyway.
I stopped listening to music
when the Oasis singer died.
He didn't die.
Patrick,
didn't Carlos die?
Carlos!
Oasis, oasis, oh! Oasis, oasis, ah!
What the hell are you drinking?
- That's it, right?
- Yeah.
What do you sing, Benji?
A bit of everything, French songs,
pop rock, folk, R&B...
Can you sing something now?
- A capella?
- No, here.
No.
- Just one.
- Please, Benji.
Come on, Kenji!
Fine, but a quick one.
Let's do it right!
We'll do like The Voice.
Jacky, give me your chair.
That's new.
See, you didn't even turn around.
Well, it's not easy
with camping chairs, Benji.
Their chairs are made for that.
Yeah!
They spin.
Yeah!
Jump, Jos!
- Go!
- Yahoo!
ACROSS THE STREET AT CAP- FERRET....
Hi, Dad.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Hello, sir.
- Hello.
Isn't your dad Jrme Charmillard?
The host of Walk or die on channel 6?
Yeah, but he doesn't
really like to talk about it.
He's on vacation here.
And this is Kiki.
Oh... He's so cute... he's so cute!
Oh...
Well, you see,
it worked for Marc Lavoine this year,
they got beach front property.
Right on the water.
But this is nice here.
Yeah, but it's not beachfront.
If Jrme had agreed
to host the Star 80 tour...
But you see, Valrie, I carry him,
I coach him, I do everything.
Hello, Valrie!
Liane Foly called. She asked
if you can stop by
Bernard Laporte's association
tonight.
No way, not tonight.
I ran into Lolo Boyer
at the fish market.
He's having dinner at Montiel's.
Nice!
Tell me, honey, what...
What's in the pool?
It's Morgane's friends.
They look like hooligans to me.
They're your public, Jrme.
They're not winners.
Are you sure they're not
too Brad Pitt- like?
No, Patrick!
With these,
you're the king of the beach.
And it's a model
that appeals to women of quality.
Fine, I'll get them.
Here's 10 euros.
- Are you sure they're real?
- Yup! Lifetime warranty, tip- top.
Thanks.
- Ciao, ciao, bye!
- Ciao, ciao, bye!
My vacation gift,
I had mine stolen on New Year's Eve.
Belle du Seigneur again?
I'm not reading it,
I just want to look smart.
Can I talk to you, Patrick?
I need your advice.
I'm listening.
When my wife left,
I sank to rock bottom.
My friends told me
I had to move and see people.
So I moved, a lot, everywhere.
One night, I found myself
in a gay club in Nantes,
the Croque Monsieur.
I was drunk, I talked to a nice guy,
just casually,
but I had the misfortune
to give him my number.
His name is Christian.
He keeps calling me now.
Shit, it's him. Look...
INCOMING CALL
He says I'm a guy's guy!
He obviously doesn't know Paulo!
I'm lost Patrick, lost.
Paulo, it's normal to be lost,
you were married
to Sophie for 20 years!
Anyone would be shaken up.
Anyone.
Maybe my time with women is over.
Let's be clear, Paulo.
The important thing
is that you're happy.
The rest we don't care about.
If you're gay, you're gay. That's it.
It an extra for me
to have a gay friend.
Yeah, it's fashionable.
It attracts girls.
Just let nature take its course.
Mother nature decides
who goes with whom.
Where's Mother nature taking me?
Mikonos?
Well, I got to go.
Patrick, this stays between us,
right?
Your friends
seem to be in good spirits!
You didn't even talk to them.
I don't want to be
the controlling dad.
Are they French?
No, they're from Dijon!
Well, they could've been
English or Dutch.
There aren't only
French people in the world!
Dad, it's weird what you're saying.
- Are you saying you're racist?
- Me, racist? Ha! Ha!
I'm a leftist!
I even put up posters for Coluche.
Morgane!
Damn it!
It's OK for me...
to ask about people in my house!
Just like it's OK for me
to make sure my daughter
sees nice people.
You think education is weird too?
Let me tell you something:
men are like houses,
if there's no foundation,
everything collapses.
Jrme! Have an open mind!
You sound like an old idiot,
I've told you that before.
We'll talk about it again
when my car has been burned.
Did you call me an idiot?
So in this beautiful country
of Biscarosse,
between the pines and the moors,
a beautiful feathered bird arrives
and lands on a haystack.
It's boring.
What are you doing here?
- It's boring, but it works.
- ...the beautiful feathered bird...
You know, artists have a sensitivity
that is extremely exacerbated,
Jean Marais,
Jean Cocteau, Herv Vilard...
Shh, it's almost our turn.
Oh, fuck!
What...
What are you doing in my car?
- We were at Cap- Ferret!
- Cap- Ferret?
We weren't going to swim there.
- Can you open the gate?
- No, we're not opening anything.
Open the doors and get out, now.
Unbelievable.
Patrick, Patrick,
we're waiting for you for the cheese!
Nice costume!
Yes, it's a crow,
but that's not the point.
But I see three guys, three thugs
who took my car without asking me.
So give me the keys
and go back to Dijon!
Get the hell out of here!
Coming...
- Ouch!
- What's wrong?
Oh, nothing, it's my appendix.
It's on the right side.
Let's get something straight:
you won't be staying
another minute in my tent.
Game over!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What is it?
Why are bugging me
while I'm making love, motherfucker?
- Kevinou, I'm waiting!
- Shut up!
First off, hi, Kevin.
I didn't come here to bug you.
Are we on a first- name basis?
Why is that OK?
Do I know you?
No! Did we raise pigs together?
I don't think so!
So respect others. Don't you know
what respect for others is?
Who raised you?
Yes, you're right, it's...
it wasn't very respectful of me...
or very smart, but...
we need to talk...
We need to talk about housing...
What do you mean?
I'm not talking to these clowns.
So I'll give you three seconds
to get the hell out!
Or you'll see! You'll see!
Johnny Hallyday of my ass!
If I see you again,
I'll rip your eyes out,
I'll rip your tongue out,
I'll rip your teeth out.
No matter where you are!
So don't be a smart ass!
Asshole!
He doesn't even have the facts:
Johnny
dyes his hair.
You were really planning
to stay with a guy like that?
It was the only way.
We didn't have to go on vacation,
but it does help you
forget your problems.
This isn't like Dijon.
- We can shine here.
- Right...
You're shining alright!
You don't mind if we debrief, Benji?
You know you're allowed
to look at us, right?
You know, at some point,
we'll have to look at each other!
You're isolating yourself
with your stuff!
Sure...
boomers didn't have the Internet,
twister, amstragram, etc.
But we'd talk and look at each other.
We were hands- on.
We had concrete goals!
And even more!
We had fun making concrete goals!
So? The result?
The result? Unemployed.
Are you coming?
WE'RE STAYING
- Are you sure he won't mind?
- Don't worry, he's a light sleeper!
You'll see, he's really cool.
- He sleeps with one eye open.
- Yeah.
Patrick! We need to talk to you!
What! I'm not an asshole!
I'm not an asshole!
Don't worry, it's us.
We got you a girl.
Linda's mother, from Alsace!
What the...
What that's now?
Tell him, Linda.
She's a friend of ours.
Tell him what you said earlier.
Hi, Patrick.
My mom's single and...
I wish she could meet a guy like you.
I heard you're bad ass.
It's sweet, but...
- It's 4 a.m.
- So, what do you think?
I can't make any rash decisions at...
We're talking
about a male- female relationship.
As you wish, Patrick.
What?
Next time, don't wake me up
in the middle of the night.
- I could've been with a girlfriend.
- Right...
OK, Patrick. Sleep well. Good night.
Patrick! You got any rolling paper?
Never mind, never mind.
Oh! People are waiting!
Patrick, do you have any toothpaste?
I'm out.
There's always some on the sink.
- There.
- Ah, you're right.
I have to stop eating chorizo as an
aperitif, it turns my teeth yellow.
How are you this morning, Patrick?
- Fine, fine. How are you?
- I slept badly last night.
I was thinking about Sophie...
- Ah...
- Did you do your crossword?
Yeah, I was in the bathroom.
Crosswords are good. It's good.
What are you doing later?
I'm meeting the kids at the beach.
The beach is good. It's good.
What's with you, Paulo?
Nothing...
You know, you look very sexy- virile
with your hair wet.
Thanks, that's nice.
A friend's lending me a pinnace.
Want to go ray fishing with me?
- Ray fishing?
- Yes.
- No, thanks.
- You don't like ray fishing?
No, I'm sorry, Paulo I...
I'm not much of a fish man.
As my mother used to say...
you can't say you don't like it
until you've tried it.
Well, let's get something straight,
Paulo!
You see, I'm open- minded,
I'm modern, but...
I'm sorry, I...
I'm not into that.
I'm not into that.
I'm not into that, that's all.
We're just vacation buddies,
Paul, camping buddies!
Acquaintances!
Acquaintances.
What about ray fishing?
We don't have to wash his clothes,
what are we doing?
Forced to be the maid to sleep.
It's driving me crazy.
He sounds like my mom.
Dude look, there's not even a label!
Even the guy who makes them
is ashamed.
Hi, guys! I'm looking for friends.
So, if you feel like
doing something stupid
like putting chairs in trees
or glue on the toilet seat...
I'm your man.
- What's the matter with you, Jacky?
- I'm bored!
Vacations aren't fun
when you're retired.
So maybe we could partner up?
Well, for someone
who's losing his mind...
It's going, but it's not gone.
Do you know of a better way
to get five drinks
when you're not supposed to?
Huh? Alright...
Bathrooms...
- He's nuts.
- Hi, ma'am.
It's going to be a nice day!
Wow...
You know, when school starts,
I'll probably move to New York.
I got into a dance academy,
the Juilliard School.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's the chance of a lifetime.
- What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.
These tiles, these beautiful showers,
these faucets...
You know, I like you Benji.
You're sensitive, touching, but...
Every time I've been into a guy,
he ended up being a loser. It sucks.
"It is the nature of man
to be wrong."
Rimbault.
See, I'm not just a guy
who missed out on The Voice.
Come here.
I want you on my team!
ICE CREAMS
DRINKS
Hello, hello, campers,
this is Radio Camping.
The temperature today
will be 30 degrees.
And tonight, don't forget
the big flip- flop throwing contest.
The record to beat is 36.15 meters.
What's wrong with you?
Look!
My towel! My towel!
I'M SO HAPPY!
- You don't know who's it is?
- No.
It was on the ground by the cot
when I woke up.
No one was in it.
But... No hair on the blanket,
lipstick on the shirt, no clue?
No. A black hole.
I didn't go out,
it was an all- nighter at Shogun,
it's all blue.
I'm not sleepwalking, am I, guys?
Totally incomprehensible...
In any case,
she's a person who likes sex.
- Why?
- It's red.
Red is revolution, fire,
sexual freedom,
barricades,
Jaurs, "Le Temps des cerises"...
Whore.
Damn it, the one time I got one...
I'll hold a contest, if you want.
The one it fits is the winner.
Just like Cinderella!
I don't see the connection.
Cinderella is a shoe!
Anyway,
from now on, keep your eyes open.
He who finds
is the one who seeks.
And vice versa!
RECEPTION
Hi, Patrick!
You look tired.
- What did you do last night?
- Nothing.
I fell asleep with Marc Levy.
Marc Levy?
You're not with Michel anymore?
Marc Levy is a writer.
I fell asleep with his book.
Good read, then.
What's wrong, Patrick?
I'm fine,
just a little panty problem.
Just routine.
- Well, thank you.
- For what?
For sleeping with Kevin's girlfriend.
He kicked her out so we can move in.
Oh fuck! Those are
Kevin's girlfriend's panties.
Yeah, I heard you sent her
to another planet!
Oh yeah, you pulverized her, dude.
She'd never seen anything like it.
Look in your guestbook,
she probably left you a message.
But... Does Kevin know?
He's mad, he's looking for you.
Bye, Patrick...
And have a great vacation.
It's a joke?
Sorry, sorry, we're staying.
We wouldn't leave you alone!
With Kevin.
You think that was clever?
I'm asking you,
do you think it was clever?
Come on, Patrick.
We just put panties by your bed.
Laugh a little, we're young.
Right, because
kids laugh more than old people, huh?
Hey, you need to relax!
When are we supposed
to have fun if not on vacation?
Don't shit rocks for a joke,
- seriously!
- Are you a baker?
No, why?
You're kneading, kneading...
And it's shitting bricks,
not rocks, otherwise...
You're angry about your daughter,
aren't you?
You know she's not coming,
so you're freaking out.
She's not coming?
With what I texted her this morning,
I bet she will.
Here, enjoy.
Is she Egyptian?
Unless she knows hieroglyphics,
your thing is unreadable.
And old people...
You know what?
On behalf of old people, fuck you!
You think you're any better?
You know what you are?
You're all weathervanes!
When it's not Justin Bieber,
it's One Direction,
the cap is flat,
or in the back...
when you're too stylish,
you're not swag anymore.
I'll take a little picture of my feet
and tell my life on Snapchat!
I follow you, I like you, LOL!
Hashtag I'm happy, oh smiley,
see, I'm yellow!
I get up at 11 in the morning and...
I don't wash, I'm filthy,
I leave a goatee
right here
and brush my hair straight up
and act like a pretty boy
with my guitar.
Huh?
You may have millions
of friends on Facebook,
but having friends on Facebook is...
well, it's like being
a millionaire in Monopoly.
It's just hot air!
You know what?
I have friends too.
I have three in Dijon!
We meet every Wednesday to shoot pool
and we keep it private.
You want us to leave?
Yeah.
What about Tinkerbell?
Let's forget about Tinkerbell.
She's on her period.
Did we go too far?
Patrick!
Why don't you just tell
your daughter you miss her?
You know,
I auditioned for The Voice to...
well, to show my father that I exist!
You know what I wanted to hear?
"I'm proud of you, son!"
ARCACHON TRAIN STATION
Fuck.
Why the hell are we here?
We're broke.
We can stay in the bathroom.
Fuck...
I resent my mother
for bringing me into the world.
I never would've met you.
What did you say?
What are you doing?
Guys...
We missed the last one.
May I?
Young people are dumb sometimes.
You guys are a pain in the ass!
Benji!
Do I shorthand "I miss you" or not?
- Where did you work?
- For the railroads.
I passed my exam
because I arrived late.
They thought I'd fit right in.
Jacky,
your wife doesn't complain when
you can't remember who she is?
What difference does it make?
It's hard for her.
It's not nice
to play with the disease...
Oh, we all end up like that.
I'm just getting ahead of the game!
How old are you, Jacky?
Old enough not to die young.
Watch out!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Go ahead, miss.
- The water's perfect.
- Great!
Stupid bitch!
She won't be cold!
Patrick.
Patrick, can we talk? I feel like
you're running away from me.
Not at all.
I'm just doing my shopping.
There's a good sale on sausages.
These sausages are delicious!
That's enough, Paulo.
Let's stop with the ray fishing,
the sausages and so on.
You're not gay, Paulo...
Why are you telling me this, Patrick?
If I thought otherwise
and I told you so Paulo,
I'd say go for it,
be happy, accept it.
But I'm sorry, Paulo,
you don't just go from...
Gruyere to tofu...
From bowling to bilboquet...
there are stages, steps...
I know you Paulo,
you're a pussy eater.
You're a fucking pussy eater!
Huh?
Listen, Paulo,
in the name of our friendship,
let me figure it out,
I want to be able to sleep,
to spend a quiet vacation.
That work?
Hello.
Hello.
Are you Clotilde, Linda's mother?
From Strasbourg, single?
Yes.
I won't bother you for long,
I have a small favor to ask of you.
And there was the story
of the secret notebook
on which Paul recorded all his
adulterous relationships
with measurements, comments...
small breasts, laughing, vicious,
vaginal, dirty...
- OK, I get it.
- Flexible...
And she found the notebook.
She read it.
And she kicked him out.
- How do you know?
- I'm a woman.
But... why me?
Your daughter
told me that you were
a very caring woman.
She also told me a lot about your
commitment to the Red Cross...
Oh, I just donate some used clothes.
That's a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't offer you a drink, Patrick.
What would you like?
A glass of water. Otherwise nothing.
Does he know about your... approach?
No... not...
Here.
Let's be clear, Clotilde...
I'm not asking you to go all the way.
Just to flirt with him a little.
To make Paul realize
he really loves women.
I won't hide that...
since my husband left and...
I live alone in my two- room apartment
in the suburbs of Strasbourg,
happiness doesn't always come easily.
Life's unpredictable,
it falls on you like rain.
But you'll have to be gayer,
Clotilde.
I mean, it's just a figure of speech.
Yes.
- Can I think about it?
- Yes, of course.
Either way, it's you or me.
I'm going to start
with an Oceania cake
- with a small salad.
- Very good.
And I'm going to...
Is the Drakkar good?
The pancake with... the whelks?
It's our specialty, sir,
and it speaks for itself:
whelks, clams, mussels.
Well, I'll start with a Drakkar...
but without cheese, please.
Would you like something to drink?
Cider!
And a pitcher of water?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hello?
How is it going?
Is she in front of you?
Very good.
You didn't get there first, did you?
I mean, did she get there before you?
Why would you say that?
Was she sitting when you got there?
I mean, she wasn't standing up?
I... I'm having dinner,
have a good night, sir.
Can we talk, Patrick?
Yeah, what is it?
Since we've never seen you with
a girl, we wanted to make you happy.
We put you on Tinder,
a dating app for men, women.
We made your profile:
serious man, good situation,
great athlete,
with a nice picture of you
and there are only likes,
a huge success!
And yeah, we have good news. Manon!
You have a date with her!
You have the same Cupid preference...
And she loves Benco!
No, no, no.
I'm telling you guys right now, no.
Say no to Manon.
I told you,
I'm into concrete, real stuff,
I flirt live...
The internet's not my thing.
Can I see my picture?
We photoshopped it a little
to make you look good.
Hm...
Thanks for the invitation.
Oh, it's good to get out
of the campsite...
You'll think I'm romantic,
but for me, a woman
is like a flower...
She needs water, love, sunshine
- and attention.
- Oh...
She also likes...
be picked gently and carefully.
There are often pigs
who let them wither.
In love, you sometimes
have to be insistent,
not always on the brake pedal.
Hm hm...
How about dessert?
The Breton blush looks pretty good.
Hm...
I wouldn't mind a sundae, dear Paul.
So, what else?
Bernard,
since you know Cyril Hanouna,
could you see if he's looking
for a new columnist
this fall,
who's a bit more, a bit more...
- A bit more what?
- Sharp...
Cultivated and casual
at the same time?
Who'd bring a senior audience?
That's not for you, Jrme.
Dad, can I talk to you?
My daughter can always talk to me.
What's up?
We'd like to throw a party
for Robert's birthday!
Robert?
Yeah Robert,
one of the guys from Dijon.
The Black guy.
Right, the Black, the Black...
An African. Why here?
Well, we can make more noise here
than at the campsite.
That's true.
The campsite snores after 10 p.m.
You know about camping? OK, fine.
But again in the context
of what I call foundations,
I really want to meet
this Robert's parents.
OK? Otherwise, no party!
OK?
Hello!
Hello, Mrs. Charmillard.
I'm Robert's father.
Ah!
Welcome...
Classy.
- Damn!
- See? It's working.
We'll see, it's not over yet.
Tell the mother the one with
the aluminum foil is the special one.
It's for us, later tonight.
It's off limits!
Hi, we're here!
It's the Wise Men!
Let me take that, Patrick.
Of course.
Dad, this is Patrick,
Robert's father.
Good evening, sir. I'm Patrick,
Patrick Chirac, Robert's father.
OK... Robert's father.
It's a dye job,
I'm usually darker...
- More, more frizzy.
- More frizzy...
So your son is...
- is Robert Chirac.
- Yes, Robert,
like the dictionary.
But...
I mean, so his mother is...
- Dead.
- Ah, sorry.
A small aperitif...
Anyway, I told Robert
that school matters most.
True, I wasn't always home a lot,
it's a shame...
A father is a guide...
But it's not because we're not there,
that we're not there!
We don't decide life,
it just falls into our laps,
like rain...
or snow.
I can smell the maf from here,
it smells wonderful.
My mother makes it well.
Made it, Robert.
Made it.
May she rest in peace. Poor Fatou!
I don't want to pry, Patrick,
but how did you meet Fatou?
In Dijon. At Amora, at work.
We both worked at Amora...
I worked with the mustard
and Fatou with...
the pickles.
And one day, in the canteen...
it clicked.
But, but, but, but, but very quickly,
perhaps too quickly,
happiness fled.
The pickles
were relocated to Bulgaria.
Then there was that stupid accident.
Four fingers cut
in a rusty pickle machine.
So obviously Bulgaria... well...
no social security,
very little anesthesia,
no ambulances...
So gangrene, tetanus...
Nibbling, nibbling, nibbling...
The Venus de Milo.
So, well, no more news,
no more letters, no more mail...
She was right- handed...
Then one morning, she died.
Frizzy girl.
Well...
Not easy to follow.
Well, Patrick...
One more pastis before dinner?
Speaking of pastis, I have
a friend who's a plastic surgeon...
he always says pastis is like boobs:
One's not enough, three is too many!
I'll have to remember that one.
I never do.
Happy birthday!
Yeah!
I've already tried it!
Shit, she got the wrong cake.
We're screwed.
- She took the space cake!
- Shit!
That cake is delicious!
What do you think, honey?
No...
Dad!
Dad what? Dad what?
Dad loves this cake!
This fucking cake! Fucking cake!
Is someone here?
Is someone here?
You went too far, guys,
way too far.
- Get the cake!
- No!
Ohtu kfal.
OK!
I'm telling you, my friends,
I dig this cake!
Kiki?
I dig this cake!
- Mr. Charmillard?
- Shut up!
Mr. Charmillard, open up.
What is it, Robespierre?
You need to stop eating the cake.
- You need to throw up.
- You eat it!
Catch me, Bernadette!
Get the yellow coins!
Robert, don't bullshit me.
Did your cake have some...?
No, it's more...
What? More chemical?
You really screwed up!
- Patrick.
- What?
My mother's name isn't Fatou!
It's Sylvie!
Folklore, Robert, folklore!
We have to make them dream!
Patliick, Patliick!
Come, come, come, come...
No, Patliick, Patliick! Dance!
- I have to go, Mrs. Charmillard.
- Shh.
Dance...
Dance... Dance...
Dance, dance, dance...
Mr. Charmillard?
- Yes?
- Mr. Charmillard?
Where are you?
Hi there...
Here I am!
Look, it's Kiki,
do you recognize him?
I made a suckling pig out of him.
- We just need to skewer him!
- Are you crazy?
No, I'm Franck Provost,
I'm Franck Provost,
I'm Franck Provost!
Stop, he'll catch a cold, sir.
That's OK.
I'll heat him up in the microwave.
No, sir! Mr. Charmillard, no!
Let go of him!
Mr. Charmillard!
- Please...
- Don't! Don, don, don...
Come down, Mr. Charmillard.
I beg you, Jrme...
Listen to me, Goldilocks...
I'll give you a continental
at 49 euros, with earflaps...
I'll shave everything.
From the cellar to the attic!
Ah!
You don't scare me, Mr. Charmillard!
Franck Provost is back!
Come quickly, we have a problem!
Your mom thinks she's an antenna!
Antenna...
Antenna...
Antenna...
Mom, come down, this is ridiculous.
I'm on Gulli...
- This is preposterous!
- Antenna...
Mrs. Charmillard, please come down.
Ha! I'm on BFM!
Can we go home, guys?
I think it's over. We're good.
Patrick! Patrick!
Patrick! Come!
We're going to take back Vietnam!
Not right now,
they're sleeping in Vietnam, Jrme.
And I'm tired.
Are you OK, Patrick?
Yes, well, I only took
a small bite of the cake.
It's not my first rock concert.
Patrick, oh, oh, Patrick!
Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick, it's 6 p.m.
Time to wake up!
What's this?
It's to protect you from sunburn.
It's too crowded, back off!
Let him breathe!
Patrick...
Yesterday, after the pot cake,
you went nuts.
We gave you some
mint liquor to get you up.
You drank the whole bottle,
then you wouldn't stop...
- Stop what?
- You wanted to chop wood.
You took down the Cap- Ferret pier
with an axe.
I think you took drugs, Patrick!
My car...
What the hell is it doing here?
That's the pier of Cap- Ferret.
What did you do to my car?
You wanted to go to America, Patrick.
- America?
- Yeah!
You wanted to cross the Atlantic!
Oh, fuck!
Who's the asshole who tagged my car?
You did, Patrick.
We tried to stop you, but...
you wanted to go wake up
tattoo girl Zzette.
- Zzette who?
- The tattoo girl of Arcachon.
You said you wanted to make
your friends in Dijon laugh.
And?
I think they will.
Well, it's not really finished,
but at least it's modern!
It's nice here, Patrick.
The fire was a good idea.
The Cap- Ferret pier is still burning!
Manon, why are you on Tinder?
You're on vacation,
the beaches are full of guys.
I don't know,
the unknown attracts me.
You never know who you'll get.
Even if this time...
with the picture I had a little idea.
Well!
How about skinny- dipping?
Nice!
Let's go!
Manon, Patrick, are you staying here?
Yes, we'll watch the clothes.
Let's go!
What kind of music do you listen to,
Patrick?
Oh, you know...
Madonna, Jay- Z,
La Fouine, a lot of La Fouine!
Really?
Booba, too.
Frro Delavega.
I love old guys with a young mind.
I think the ideal gap
between a man and a woman
is 30 years...
Oh!
Sorry, are you hurt?
No, it's OK, I have a hard head...
And I love brutes.
I love a little spanking
when it's not deserved.
Shall we join them?
Oh, no...
It's past midnight...
Come on, I bet the water's warm.
So do I.
I'm too young, am I?
I think I'm the one who's too old.
Hop!
Wait for me!
- Patrick?
- Who is it?
It's me.
It's Robert.
I didn't see you.
There's something I've been
meaning to tell you.
I'm sure you have Cameroonian blood!
Funny, I've heard that before.
But shh. I'm looking for a job,
it's not necessarily an asset.
Patrick, your problem
is that you don't trust yourself.
Open up, dare.
Take your courage in both hands!
You know, my father often says:
"When the banana is too high,
"you have to raise your arms."
Who's your father? Is it Michel Leeb?
Who's that?
SHUTTLE
Are you ready, guys?
- Can I have her back?
- It's up to her.
Ready?
What's up, Patrick?
Yeah?
Aurlie.
Aurlie Gatineau,
Paulo and Sophie's daughter.
Well, you've changed!
You've grown!
Yeah. Are you losing your hair?
Oh, this?
It's the drugs...
A complicated vacation.
As usual. Nothing changes.
- How's your daughter?
- Fine. Same,
she's grown.
I think.
I came to see my father.
Do you know where he is?
Here, Commander, Cousteau,
tell me about it.
Commander Cousteau, really?
- Yeah.
- We're thirsty.
This isn't the Shogun!
Of course I look like Will Smith!
- We have the same mom. Fatou Smith.
- Really?
- You're more handsome.
- Ah...
Thanks, Mom! Thanks, Mom!
Campers,
I'll only bother you for a moment,
thanks, ladies,
just to let you know
that with the Campol group
and our partner Tropico,
we've decided to offer you,
dear campers,
the famous Roger Bonheur band.
Mr. Roger Bonheur... Enjoy!
Ladies and gentlemen!
We have a young singer who
will perform a song with us.
Please give it up for Benji Keller.
Here, Laurette,
your Flot Bleu without ginger!
Thank you.
Where's Jacky?
He's probably still looking
for the entrance.
I don't like this party.
It feels like our vacation is over.
Will you dance, miss?
How could I say no, dear sir.
Do you come here often?
No, it's my first time.
Miss...
Could I be so bold to...
offer you a walk on the beach,
with all due respect, of course.
Of course, Jean- Pierre.
You old rascal!
Thank you.
Thank you for all these
unforgettable years.
Patrick!
Selfies are on the other side!
OK. OK. Ready kids?
- Arcachon!
- Yeah.
Send it to me, OK?
- Yeah.
- Alright...
Well, thanks, guys.
You gave me the opportunity
to play dad.
I'm proud of you, son.
You know what?
I'm bummed to see you go!
Old expression, Patrick!
You used it two weeks ago.
That was two weeks ago.
Weathervanes!
- Are you OK, Jos?
- Yeah.
It was the best vacation of my life!
We'll meet up in Dijon, OK?
Alright.
Vanessa's not here?
Vanessa's my sister.
It's not our fault she had a problem.
Well, this is very embarrassing...
It's going to be a long, long road.
Mr. Chirac to reception,
please, Mr. Chirac!
RECEPTION
Yes, I understand, ma'am.
I know, but I don't always
have my cell with me
when I'm on vacation.
Alright, alright, I got it.
Thanks anyway.
What's wrong, Patrick?
I got a job. I start on Monday.
I could go for another one!
Ta, ta, ta, ta!
Cheers, Jacky.
Cheers, my friends!
And he naturally goes back
to the bottle...
You see Patrick,
Tinkerbell was right after all.
Yeah, but starting Monday
is really annoying, though.
Why is that?
Because it's the election of Mr.
Camping at the Shogun on Tuesday.
My friends,
you're going to say that
Paulo Gatineau thinks too much...
But I do wonder...
Do you think that,
at the end of the vacation,
the water is warmer
or colder than at the beginning?
- You really want to know?
- Yes.
Come on, Aurlie.
So?
You won't wait for Patrick?
- Come!
- Come on!
Let's go!
THANKS FOR YOUR TEXT, DAD!
I'M COMING, I'M AT THE STATION!
THE END
TO ENZO AND NATHALIE...
Excuse me, sir,
I'm looking for space number 33.
Hello, hello, campers,
this is Radio Camping.
Today,
the temperature will be 30 degrees.
And tonight, don't forget
the big flip-flop throwing contest.
The record to beat is 36.15 meters.
I don't mind, you know.
Come on, don't be mad, sir.
I'm not, but when...
I agreed to carpool with Vanessa,
I wasn't expecting the 2 Be 3!
- The what?
- The 2 Be 3.
A very good '90s band,
like the Beatles.
Except that there are three of them.
Well, there were three of them.
Philippe died in 2009.
Vanessa's my sister.
She had a problem,
it's not our fault.
Right...
Who wants a Babybel?
Thanks.
Don't throw away the wrapper,
I make candles out of it.
SOMEWHERE NEAR CHATEAUROUX...
What's wrong, Jacky?
We've been around the roundabout
five times now.
I don't remember where we're going.
We're going to Arcachon,
just like the last 50 years.
We've been together 50 years?
Hm.
It might be time
to change the candles.
To be honest,
I know young people well.
I have a 17- year- old daughter.
Kimberley.
Kimberley?
Yeah, like in
The Young and the Restless.
What do you do, Benji?
I'm in business school,
like everyone else.
But my real hobby is music...
I mean, what are you
doing with your chips?
Are you feeding the car?
Either you eat them out the window
or you wait for our next stop.
What about you Jos?
I don't like chips!
I mean in life, what do you do?
I'm a stretcher- bearer
at the hospital in Dijon.
Wow!
What about you, Robert?
- Why is he formal with me?
- I'd rather be.
Things go fast today.
I don't want to start like
I don't respect your difference, etc.
not me.
What do you do in life?
Me? Same...
It's a project, too.
Let's go!
End of the line, everybody out!
Got everything?
Is someone picking you up?
No, we're meeting a buddy
working at Club Mickey.
He has an apartment in town,
we're going to sleep over.
That's great.
Sounds great.
Thanks, sir.
Glad to be of service.
Have a nice vacation, kids!
Have a nice vacation.
A FILM BY FABIEN ONTENIENTE
Calm down. Calm down, Mr. Chirac.
I understand you're confused!
When I took over
Les Flots Bleus for Campol,
it was closer to an Indian
reservation than a campsite.
I came from the restaurant business.
I was the manager
of the Buffalo Grill
at the Pau ring road, south exit.
Between Leather Center and Shoe Mart.
So with this experience, I completely
restructured the campsite
like the Americans do.
The tents and trailers
are now in Beverly Hills,
in the southern part of the campsite.
Beverly Hills?
But that side is by the water.
Sure, but Beverly Hills
is 20% cheaper.
Mr. Carello!
The Wi- Fi's down in the fitness room.
Oh, Patrick... You're here!
Site 37. What are you doing?
I work here, buddy!
I'm in so much trouble
that to pay for my spot
Mr. Carello kindly
offered that I handle the technical
and logistical coordination
of outdoor structures.
Is Paulo here?
He just arrived, but alone.
What about Sophie?
- They got divorced.
- Both of them?
She found his browsing history.
And I can tell you
it wasn't just pizza delivery!
I better get back to it.
See you at the aperitif!
- Gaby!
- Yeah?
Remember to fix
the bathroom fittings in 22.
It's overflowing
and running down the aisles.
OK, boss.
Well, enjoy your vacation,
Mr. Chirac!
My name's Stphane Carello.
But everyone calls me Stphane here.
Our brochure.
You're in for a treat, Patoche.
I hope so, Stphanoche.
How can you be sure
you'll find a job?
I went to a psychic before I left.
She said that
if I did good around me,
I was in for a nice surprise.
I know she meant a job.
The unemployment office
might be a safer bet.
Or Lourdes.
- And you believe her?
- Well, I paid her.
So if you do good, you get a job.
You just have to be Tinkerbell!
Did she say what kind of job
you could get?
Laurette, she's a psychic,
not a temp agency!
Ooh those flies are so annoying!
Look at the ribbon I bought.
I don't understand
why there are so many flies here!
The Beverly Hills, yeah, right!
Look at this!
We're parked at the back, like rats.
It's nice here.
- We're on vacation, my friends!
- Not everyone.
There's Jacky.
We can have a drink now.
What's up, Jacky?
Hello, sir.
Can I have a drink Jacqueline?
Laurette, Jacky!
Oh...
And that's your fourth today.
Yes, we'll tell him! We'll tell him!
What's with Jacky?
Look, Patrick...
We didn't want to tell you...
But Jacky's not
in his right mind anymore.
I feel like he's losing his memory.
Especially with drinks!
He forgets to drink?
Fuck me...
No, he forgets
he's already had a drink!
He thinks he's still
on the first one!
Damn!
He didn't even notice
he didn't have a spot anymore.
There it is.
I brought you some sausage!
Well, I see that everyone
is served except me!
Alright!
Pastis between friends!
Is a full pastis!
And long live Marrakesh!
I'm happy because
this year Kimberley
will probably join me.
I promised her mother
I wouldn't take her
to Shogun this year.
She was eight last time,
she got a bit bored.
How old is she now?
Seventeen.
It's hard without my daughter.
- I haven't seen her for two months.
- I'm sure she doesn't call!
Of course not.
Yes, the other day,
she sent me a picture of her breasts.
She had the wrong number.
Shit, I forgot my washcloth.
Just plug the sink with your pasta!
You look lost, Paulo.
Sophie did the dishes.
She loved it.
I look like an idiot now.
Don't you protect your hands?
- No.
- Be careful.
Soft hands are important, Patrick.
- Did you meet someone?
- I try, but I'm not in the mood.
The other day,
I was vaguely into a chick,
28 years old, nice ass, but...
when she found out how old I was,
she took off.
She called me a liar.
- How old did you say?
- Forty- three.
Come on, Paulo...
We're 50, come back down to Earth!
You want the truth?
You haven't looked 43
for a long time.
Honestly, Paulo, with your physique,
you don't need plastic surgery,
you need magic!
Your hair's the most important.
I'm lucky,
it turns blonde in the sun.
Did you dye yours?
Are you crazy?
- How old do you say you are?
- Thirty- two.
Lucky you,
you're younger than last year!
I only say I'm 32 at Les Flots Bleus
when I have a nice tan.
I didn't say how old I was today,
but after spending the day
at the beach tomorrow,
I'll slowly bring that number down.
At the Shogun, when it's dark,
with my Armani jacket,
my white tennis shoes
and a nice cologne,
I intend to go down to 29!
It's going to be a nice vacation,
Paulo.
Ah! Fuck!
I was thinking about your problem
with women last night.
It's like a guy
who fell off his bike.
You have to get back on it.
Got it!
It's important, Paulo, trust me.
You have to get a girl fast.
Beautiful, ugly, redhead,
who cares, you have to get laid!
You really have to get back to it,
Paulo.
Patrick! Patrick!
What are you doing here?
- It's a nightmare, sir!
- Tell him.
We were supposed to stay with Kevin,
our friend from Club Mickey!
- Yeah.
- It's simple:
when we arrived, he kindly told us
he met some chick last night
and we couldn't stay over.
Patrick!
- If there's a problem, I'm here.
- It's OK, I know them.
So basically we're on the street.
I wanted to go home,
but since the carpooling went well,
we thought that
maybe we could share your tent.
Like sleep- pooling!
That's it!
Just for two or three days...
Kevin never stays with a chick
for more than three days.
He's a romantic,
he's afraid to get attached.
I'm sorry, guys.
Vacations are sacred!
And I'm very motivated this year.
I'm not immune
to bringing a girlfriend or two...
maybe three.
So, in terms of room...
We get it thanks.
Let's go, guys.
Bye!
Arrivederci!
What about Tinkerbell, Patrick?
Not nice, no job in the fall!
And they're kids,
they're entitled to a vacation.
Jos!
Well, I'll remind you of the basics.
Pick up your bowl, wash your bowl,
put your bowl away. Secondly.
Don't dry your beach towel
on your friend's beach towel.
Or it'll never dry.
And use a clean towel,
without any sand, of course.
Remember,
sand is the enemy
of polyethylene floor mats.
OK? Got it? Ah!
Thirdly and not least,
you don't leave
an empty roll of toilet paper.
Think of your friends.
Basically, this is not a hotel.
We noticed.
- Hi, Jean- Marc!
- Hi, Jacky.
And of course,
no drugs here.
- OK?
- We don't smoke.
Right... You're young.
- What's this?
- Don't touch.
That's what I call my "just in case."
It's my guestbook...
for girlfriends who come if they want
to leave a little message.
It's nice.
Do we agree?
My daughter will probably arrive
within the week so three days.
Alright?
Oy, oy, campers! Today...
Oh I'm late...
Eight candidates have a date
with destiny!
Yes, in five minutes,
in front of the snack bar,
the Camping Koh Lantong will start
and its grandiose trials!
Ready, Paulo?
Hurry up, Patrick!
The reds are waiting for us.
Wish me luck, kids!
See you later.
Maybe.
Dad's weird!
Alright.
Stop that, it's not cool.
Come see this.
Yeah, the guy's a player!
What a liar!
It's the same handwriting everywhere.
He just changed his pen.
You guys are harsh!
I think he's cool!
On the run!
We left for Arcach, Arcach!
We came from Dijon, from Dijon.
We got to Arcachon,
chon- chon- chon, chon- chon- chon...
Shh.
Ladies.
- Hello, sir.
- Well, sir...
Who sat in my chair?
We don't know, sir.
It's my test chair.
It breaks over 52 kilos.
It's to test girls.
You need to sew it back up.
Excuse me, ladies.
You need to keep it down,
we can hear you
all the way down there.
This isn't St. Tropez,
it's a campsite.
It's almost 10 p.m.,
people are resting.
Or play around.
Don't worry,
we'll go party somewhere else.
Comfortable, are you?
I just gave her a tour.
Well, we're off, Patrick.
All of you? The girls too?
Yeah.
Want me to drop you off?
Cap- Ferret is busy this year.
Oh...
"My wife's name is Laurette.
"I'm staying at site 51."
Do your crossword, Jacky,
you need to work on your memory.
Franois Hollande's handsome!
I can see why actresses like him.
Still,
he missed a penalty in the final.
- A penalty?
- Yes.
We really need to go see someone,
Jacky.
Well, before I go see someone,
I'm going to have my first drink!
Skl, skl!
Guys! Ven aqui...
- Ladies.
- Hello!
I'll drive you, shelter you,
but don't fuck with me.
There are three missing!
It was full yesterday!
I'm on a budget. A box of 12
has to last the vacation.
One more thing...
Come on!
What's this?
Don't put your pot in my Benco!
Benco is sacred, it's to wake me up,
not to put me to sleep!
Evening Benco,
I fall asleep like a log,
morning Benco,
I wake up like a rabbit.
There.
Do we have to listen
to old people's music?
No way...
Demis Roussos is old people's music?
Come on now...
"Forever and ever," "Rain and Tears."
"From souvenirs to souvenirs."
Next they'll say Elton John is crap.
Who?
Patrick,
who put my chairs in the tree?
It wasn't us!
We need to figure it out,
I'm not a squirrel!
We need to talk, guys.
It takes forever
to get a shower here!
Good timing!
Yesterday, 12:15, today 12:30,
if it goes on like this,
we'll eat at 1 tomorrow.
Let's go.
Alright...
I think it's time
to get something straight
before things get out of hand!
From now on, and I mean from now on,
you'll have to follow
something called the rules!
Because until proven otherwise,
you're here in my home, in my tent.
OK?
Use a ladder, Paulo!
The Shogun.
Isn't it the Shogun?
Here sir, thank you.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
I can't guarantee a return trip.
I'll probably be drunk,
so not sure I'll recognize you.
Yeah, we get it.
Can I have my brother
and his friends?
Oh shit, that's right!
Get out of there!
The trunk is half price.
Ah, thanks.
There was a helmet in it.
Yeah, I know.
That's for when I speed.
Thanks again.
- Thanks.
- Have a good night.
Glad to be of service.
Are you guys hot tonight?
So make some noise!
Welcome to the Shogun.
She's good, she's from Narbonne!
- She's tight, she's from...
- Cap- Ferret!
You're crazy, huh?
No, I'm on vacation.
And from now on, do me a favor,
let's stop being so formal, guys.
- First name basis, OK?
- OK!
I hear the foam is coming.
Are you ready?
Yeah!
Patrick!
Are you there Shogun?
Yeah!
There you are, Paulo.
To think Sophie and I celebrated our
20th wedding anniversary here.
Come on... A banana Malibu!
We're going to check things out!
Yeah!
When are your squatters leaving?
Tomorrow.
The holidays can really start
if you know what I mean...
- Are you there Shogun?
- Yeah!
Welcome to the Shogun.
Three, two, one...
Here comes the foam!
Paulo,
Look at that chick over there!
She's for you.
Paulo, you have to bounce back!
The bike, Paulo!
It's the best way to get over it.
A good cougar stalking her prey.
Look, Paulo, look!
She's checking you out.
It's time for a safari, go ahead!
- You think so?
- Yeah, go for it!
- Go!
- Wait, wait...
What a crazy night!
Bad ass, right?
- Yeah!
- It's so hot in there.
Yeah, the AC sucks.
But it's fun,
it feels like
a vacation nightclub at least.
You just got here?
Yeah,
we're at the campsite next door.
- What about you?
- Cap- Ferret, across the street.
We got to go, man!
- Your parents will be pissed again.
- True.
- What are your names, girls?
- Oh!
You don't have to yell,
we're outside.
I'm Morgane.
That's my friend, Charlotte.
What about you? I mean, y'all?
- Benji.
- Jos.
Robert.
Shitty foam party!
It's over, you hear me!
But go to the Licorne, honey.
Sabrina!
Paulo was clumsy.
That's not what he meant.
Tell your colleague that a cougar
is when the woman is older.
And that's not really the case,
gentlemen!
- Sabrina!
- Shut up!
That's right,
get the fuck out of here!
Good riddance!
- Bitch!
- Fuck you!
- Whore!
- Asshole!
Small dick!
Don't worry kids,
we're just flirting.
Guys, I may be prying, but...
why you didn't go on vacation
with your parents, at your age?
I was supposed to go with them!
But the car was full.
2,000 km to Lisbon
with six people in the car!
One had to stay behind.
We drew names and I got it.
- Portuguese?
- Yeah.
What about you Robert?
My mother told me:
"It's the hairdresser or vacation."
What about you, Benji?
Benji didn't want to go see his dad.
You don't like your dad, Benji?
No, but he didn't encourage him
when he auditioned for The Voice.
You auditioned for The Voice?
Yeah, but I didn't get in, so...
How's Jennifer?
- What are you doing, Patrick?
- A fly potato.
- A fly potato?
- A fly potato.
To trap flies! When you make fries,
keep one potato,
dig a hole and put honey in it.
The fly gets caught in the honey
and starts auditioning
for Dancing With the Stars.
Why a potato?
Because it's also a lightning rod.
What about bug spray?
Because I want fries!
Got it.
Good one!
- I got it!
- Go Patrick!
- Go, Patrick! Go, go!
- Ah!
Yeah!
Shirts: 3.
Skins: 2.
Damn, I can see their dicks!
- Paulo! Paulo!
- Yeah!
I don't want to see that!
Patrick!
Break time!
What's wrong, Jos?
The sun's hurting my eyes!
We're leaving, Patrick!
We said three days.
Kevin broke up with his girlfriend.
The way is clear.
Well, thanks guys and...
say hi to Kvin...
Enjoy your vacation, kids.
Let's get back to it!
- Places...
- Yeah.
Send it in, Babar!
Yes?
Mrs. Pic,
can we have a word?
He's been with us for an hour.
He already drank our boxed wine.
And now he's getting into our beer.
- I'm going to get mad!
- Oh, my God...
Jacky!
Francine, I can't find the peanuts!
Where did you stash them?
This isn't your place, sir,
it's ours. Ours!
Jacky! This is
Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kerkoff's place,
who want to take
their stuff to the beach.
Just pour them a drink!
Pastis before the beach,
pastis that relieves!
Another shower for my gullet!
Come to the party, kids.
Hurry up,
I still have flyers
to distribute on the beaches
for the Numbers and Letters party.
You have to wear a wig for that?
The boss thinks it's more salesy,
less off- putting.
Gaby, Gaby, sewer backup in Waikiki,
get there before the beach.
You got any kids?
Yeah, probably.
Why do they spend their time
texting, but mine doesn't?
I haven't heard from her!
She's 17,
maybe she doesn't have a cell phone.
Or no reception.
Tonight, in the Ukulele center,
a Numbers and letters party
hosted by Bertrand.
See you tonight, buddy.
What are you doing here?
- Well, Kevin.
- What about Kevin?
He got back with his girlfriend.
She even moved in with him.
Robert even saw
a pink razor on the sink.
- Oh fuck, she has a mustache?
- No, but she has legs.
That's not good, guys.
Three days with a girl
starts creating memories.
What do we do, Patrick?
What do we do? You guys are funny.
Patrick Chirac isn't a resort, guys!
Alright.
Morning dishes, lunch dishes,
evening dishes!
And as soon as my daughter arrives,
you're out, OK?
A Pastis with the kids!
Pastis is fun!
So how's Jennifer?
Stop it, I just auditioned.
I didn't get in anyway.
I stopped listening to music
when the Oasis singer died.
He didn't die.
Patrick,
didn't Carlos die?
Carlos!
Oasis, oasis, oh! Oasis, oasis, ah!
What the hell are you drinking?
- That's it, right?
- Yeah.
What do you sing, Benji?
A bit of everything, French songs,
pop rock, folk, R&B...
Can you sing something now?
- A capella?
- No, here.
No.
- Just one.
- Please, Benji.
Come on, Kenji!
Fine, but a quick one.
Let's do it right!
We'll do like The Voice.
Jacky, give me your chair.
That's new.
See, you didn't even turn around.
Well, it's not easy
with camping chairs, Benji.
Their chairs are made for that.
Yeah!
They spin.
Yeah!
Jump, Jos!
- Go!
- Yahoo!
ACROSS THE STREET AT CAP- FERRET....
Hi, Dad.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Hello, sir.
- Hello.
Isn't your dad Jrme Charmillard?
The host of Walk or die on channel 6?
Yeah, but he doesn't
really like to talk about it.
He's on vacation here.
And this is Kiki.
Oh... He's so cute... he's so cute!
Oh...
Well, you see,
it worked for Marc Lavoine this year,
they got beach front property.
Right on the water.
But this is nice here.
Yeah, but it's not beachfront.
If Jrme had agreed
to host the Star 80 tour...
But you see, Valrie, I carry him,
I coach him, I do everything.
Hello, Valrie!
Liane Foly called. She asked
if you can stop by
Bernard Laporte's association
tonight.
No way, not tonight.
I ran into Lolo Boyer
at the fish market.
He's having dinner at Montiel's.
Nice!
Tell me, honey, what...
What's in the pool?
It's Morgane's friends.
They look like hooligans to me.
They're your public, Jrme.
They're not winners.
Are you sure they're not
too Brad Pitt- like?
No, Patrick!
With these,
you're the king of the beach.
And it's a model
that appeals to women of quality.
Fine, I'll get them.
Here's 10 euros.
- Are you sure they're real?
- Yup! Lifetime warranty, tip- top.
Thanks.
- Ciao, ciao, bye!
- Ciao, ciao, bye!
My vacation gift,
I had mine stolen on New Year's Eve.
Belle du Seigneur again?
I'm not reading it,
I just want to look smart.
Can I talk to you, Patrick?
I need your advice.
I'm listening.
When my wife left,
I sank to rock bottom.
My friends told me
I had to move and see people.
So I moved, a lot, everywhere.
One night, I found myself
in a gay club in Nantes,
the Croque Monsieur.
I was drunk, I talked to a nice guy,
just casually,
but I had the misfortune
to give him my number.
His name is Christian.
He keeps calling me now.
Shit, it's him. Look...
INCOMING CALL
He says I'm a guy's guy!
He obviously doesn't know Paulo!
I'm lost Patrick, lost.
Paulo, it's normal to be lost,
you were married
to Sophie for 20 years!
Anyone would be shaken up.
Anyone.
Maybe my time with women is over.
Let's be clear, Paulo.
The important thing
is that you're happy.
The rest we don't care about.
If you're gay, you're gay. That's it.
It an extra for me
to have a gay friend.
Yeah, it's fashionable.
It attracts girls.
Just let nature take its course.
Mother nature decides
who goes with whom.
Where's Mother nature taking me?
Mikonos?
Well, I got to go.
Patrick, this stays between us,
right?
Your friends
seem to be in good spirits!
You didn't even talk to them.
I don't want to be
the controlling dad.
Are they French?
No, they're from Dijon!
Well, they could've been
English or Dutch.
There aren't only
French people in the world!
Dad, it's weird what you're saying.
- Are you saying you're racist?
- Me, racist? Ha! Ha!
I'm a leftist!
I even put up posters for Coluche.
Morgane!
Damn it!
It's OK for me...
to ask about people in my house!
Just like it's OK for me
to make sure my daughter
sees nice people.
You think education is weird too?
Let me tell you something:
men are like houses,
if there's no foundation,
everything collapses.
Jrme! Have an open mind!
You sound like an old idiot,
I've told you that before.
We'll talk about it again
when my car has been burned.
Did you call me an idiot?
So in this beautiful country
of Biscarosse,
between the pines and the moors,
a beautiful feathered bird arrives
and lands on a haystack.
It's boring.
What are you doing here?
- It's boring, but it works.
- ...the beautiful feathered bird...
You know, artists have a sensitivity
that is extremely exacerbated,
Jean Marais,
Jean Cocteau, Herv Vilard...
Shh, it's almost our turn.
Oh, fuck!
What...
What are you doing in my car?
- We were at Cap- Ferret!
- Cap- Ferret?
We weren't going to swim there.
- Can you open the gate?
- No, we're not opening anything.
Open the doors and get out, now.
Unbelievable.
Patrick, Patrick,
we're waiting for you for the cheese!
Nice costume!
Yes, it's a crow,
but that's not the point.
But I see three guys, three thugs
who took my car without asking me.
So give me the keys
and go back to Dijon!
Get the hell out of here!
Coming...
- Ouch!
- What's wrong?
Oh, nothing, it's my appendix.
It's on the right side.
Let's get something straight:
you won't be staying
another minute in my tent.
Game over!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What is it?
Why are bugging me
while I'm making love, motherfucker?
- Kevinou, I'm waiting!
- Shut up!
First off, hi, Kevin.
I didn't come here to bug you.
Are we on a first- name basis?
Why is that OK?
Do I know you?
No! Did we raise pigs together?
I don't think so!
So respect others. Don't you know
what respect for others is?
Who raised you?
Yes, you're right, it's...
it wasn't very respectful of me...
or very smart, but...
we need to talk...
We need to talk about housing...
What do you mean?
I'm not talking to these clowns.
So I'll give you three seconds
to get the hell out!
Or you'll see! You'll see!
Johnny Hallyday of my ass!
If I see you again,
I'll rip your eyes out,
I'll rip your tongue out,
I'll rip your teeth out.
No matter where you are!
So don't be a smart ass!
Asshole!
He doesn't even have the facts:
Johnny
dyes his hair.
You were really planning
to stay with a guy like that?
It was the only way.
We didn't have to go on vacation,
but it does help you
forget your problems.
This isn't like Dijon.
- We can shine here.
- Right...
You're shining alright!
You don't mind if we debrief, Benji?
You know you're allowed
to look at us, right?
You know, at some point,
we'll have to look at each other!
You're isolating yourself
with your stuff!
Sure...
boomers didn't have the Internet,
twister, amstragram, etc.
But we'd talk and look at each other.
We were hands- on.
We had concrete goals!
And even more!
We had fun making concrete goals!
So? The result?
The result? Unemployed.
Are you coming?
WE'RE STAYING
- Are you sure he won't mind?
- Don't worry, he's a light sleeper!
You'll see, he's really cool.
- He sleeps with one eye open.
- Yeah.
Patrick! We need to talk to you!
What! I'm not an asshole!
I'm not an asshole!
Don't worry, it's us.
We got you a girl.
Linda's mother, from Alsace!
What the...
What that's now?
Tell him, Linda.
She's a friend of ours.
Tell him what you said earlier.
Hi, Patrick.
My mom's single and...
I wish she could meet a guy like you.
I heard you're bad ass.
It's sweet, but...
- It's 4 a.m.
- So, what do you think?
I can't make any rash decisions at...
We're talking
about a male- female relationship.
As you wish, Patrick.
What?
Next time, don't wake me up
in the middle of the night.
- I could've been with a girlfriend.
- Right...
OK, Patrick. Sleep well. Good night.
Patrick! You got any rolling paper?
Never mind, never mind.
Oh! People are waiting!
Patrick, do you have any toothpaste?
I'm out.
There's always some on the sink.
- There.
- Ah, you're right.
I have to stop eating chorizo as an
aperitif, it turns my teeth yellow.
How are you this morning, Patrick?
- Fine, fine. How are you?
- I slept badly last night.
I was thinking about Sophie...
- Ah...
- Did you do your crossword?
Yeah, I was in the bathroom.
Crosswords are good. It's good.
What are you doing later?
I'm meeting the kids at the beach.
The beach is good. It's good.
What's with you, Paulo?
Nothing...
You know, you look very sexy- virile
with your hair wet.
Thanks, that's nice.
A friend's lending me a pinnace.
Want to go ray fishing with me?
- Ray fishing?
- Yes.
- No, thanks.
- You don't like ray fishing?
No, I'm sorry, Paulo I...
I'm not much of a fish man.
As my mother used to say...
you can't say you don't like it
until you've tried it.
Well, let's get something straight,
Paulo!
You see, I'm open- minded,
I'm modern, but...
I'm sorry, I...
I'm not into that.
I'm not into that.
I'm not into that, that's all.
We're just vacation buddies,
Paul, camping buddies!
Acquaintances!
Acquaintances.
What about ray fishing?
We don't have to wash his clothes,
what are we doing?
Forced to be the maid to sleep.
It's driving me crazy.
He sounds like my mom.
Dude look, there's not even a label!
Even the guy who makes them
is ashamed.
Hi, guys! I'm looking for friends.
So, if you feel like
doing something stupid
like putting chairs in trees
or glue on the toilet seat...
I'm your man.
- What's the matter with you, Jacky?
- I'm bored!
Vacations aren't fun
when you're retired.
So maybe we could partner up?
Well, for someone
who's losing his mind...
It's going, but it's not gone.
Do you know of a better way
to get five drinks
when you're not supposed to?
Huh? Alright...
Bathrooms...
- He's nuts.
- Hi, ma'am.
It's going to be a nice day!
Wow...
You know, when school starts,
I'll probably move to New York.
I got into a dance academy,
the Juilliard School.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's the chance of a lifetime.
- What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.
These tiles, these beautiful showers,
these faucets...
You know, I like you Benji.
You're sensitive, touching, but...
Every time I've been into a guy,
he ended up being a loser. It sucks.
"It is the nature of man
to be wrong."
Rimbault.
See, I'm not just a guy
who missed out on The Voice.
Come here.
I want you on my team!
ICE CREAMS
DRINKS
Hello, hello, campers,
this is Radio Camping.
The temperature today
will be 30 degrees.
And tonight, don't forget
the big flip- flop throwing contest.
The record to beat is 36.15 meters.
What's wrong with you?
Look!
My towel! My towel!
I'M SO HAPPY!
- You don't know who's it is?
- No.
It was on the ground by the cot
when I woke up.
No one was in it.
But... No hair on the blanket,
lipstick on the shirt, no clue?
No. A black hole.
I didn't go out,
it was an all- nighter at Shogun,
it's all blue.
I'm not sleepwalking, am I, guys?
Totally incomprehensible...
In any case,
she's a person who likes sex.
- Why?
- It's red.
Red is revolution, fire,
sexual freedom,
barricades,
Jaurs, "Le Temps des cerises"...
Whore.
Damn it, the one time I got one...
I'll hold a contest, if you want.
The one it fits is the winner.
Just like Cinderella!
I don't see the connection.
Cinderella is a shoe!
Anyway,
from now on, keep your eyes open.
He who finds
is the one who seeks.
And vice versa!
RECEPTION
Hi, Patrick!
You look tired.
- What did you do last night?
- Nothing.
I fell asleep with Marc Levy.
Marc Levy?
You're not with Michel anymore?
Marc Levy is a writer.
I fell asleep with his book.
Good read, then.
What's wrong, Patrick?
I'm fine,
just a little panty problem.
Just routine.
- Well, thank you.
- For what?
For sleeping with Kevin's girlfriend.
He kicked her out so we can move in.
Oh fuck! Those are
Kevin's girlfriend's panties.
Yeah, I heard you sent her
to another planet!
Oh yeah, you pulverized her, dude.
She'd never seen anything like it.
Look in your guestbook,
she probably left you a message.
But... Does Kevin know?
He's mad, he's looking for you.
Bye, Patrick...
And have a great vacation.
It's a joke?
Sorry, sorry, we're staying.
We wouldn't leave you alone!
With Kevin.
You think that was clever?
I'm asking you,
do you think it was clever?
Come on, Patrick.
We just put panties by your bed.
Laugh a little, we're young.
Right, because
kids laugh more than old people, huh?
Hey, you need to relax!
When are we supposed
to have fun if not on vacation?
Don't shit rocks for a joke,
- seriously!
- Are you a baker?
No, why?
You're kneading, kneading...
And it's shitting bricks,
not rocks, otherwise...
You're angry about your daughter,
aren't you?
You know she's not coming,
so you're freaking out.
She's not coming?
With what I texted her this morning,
I bet she will.
Here, enjoy.
Is she Egyptian?
Unless she knows hieroglyphics,
your thing is unreadable.
And old people...
You know what?
On behalf of old people, fuck you!
You think you're any better?
You know what you are?
You're all weathervanes!
When it's not Justin Bieber,
it's One Direction,
the cap is flat,
or in the back...
when you're too stylish,
you're not swag anymore.
I'll take a little picture of my feet
and tell my life on Snapchat!
I follow you, I like you, LOL!
Hashtag I'm happy, oh smiley,
see, I'm yellow!
I get up at 11 in the morning and...
I don't wash, I'm filthy,
I leave a goatee
right here
and brush my hair straight up
and act like a pretty boy
with my guitar.
Huh?
You may have millions
of friends on Facebook,
but having friends on Facebook is...
well, it's like being
a millionaire in Monopoly.
It's just hot air!
You know what?
I have friends too.
I have three in Dijon!
We meet every Wednesday to shoot pool
and we keep it private.
You want us to leave?
Yeah.
What about Tinkerbell?
Let's forget about Tinkerbell.
She's on her period.
Did we go too far?
Patrick!
Why don't you just tell
your daughter you miss her?
You know,
I auditioned for The Voice to...
well, to show my father that I exist!
You know what I wanted to hear?
"I'm proud of you, son!"
ARCACHON TRAIN STATION
Fuck.
Why the hell are we here?
We're broke.
We can stay in the bathroom.
Fuck...
I resent my mother
for bringing me into the world.
I never would've met you.
What did you say?
What are you doing?
Guys...
We missed the last one.
May I?
Young people are dumb sometimes.
You guys are a pain in the ass!
Benji!
Do I shorthand "I miss you" or not?
- Where did you work?
- For the railroads.
I passed my exam
because I arrived late.
They thought I'd fit right in.
Jacky,
your wife doesn't complain when
you can't remember who she is?
What difference does it make?
It's hard for her.
It's not nice
to play with the disease...
Oh, we all end up like that.
I'm just getting ahead of the game!
How old are you, Jacky?
Old enough not to die young.
Watch out!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Go ahead, miss.
- The water's perfect.
- Great!
Stupid bitch!
She won't be cold!
Patrick.
Patrick, can we talk? I feel like
you're running away from me.
Not at all.
I'm just doing my shopping.
There's a good sale on sausages.
These sausages are delicious!
That's enough, Paulo.
Let's stop with the ray fishing,
the sausages and so on.
You're not gay, Paulo...
Why are you telling me this, Patrick?
If I thought otherwise
and I told you so Paulo,
I'd say go for it,
be happy, accept it.
But I'm sorry, Paulo,
you don't just go from...
Gruyere to tofu...
From bowling to bilboquet...
there are stages, steps...
I know you Paulo,
you're a pussy eater.
You're a fucking pussy eater!
Huh?
Listen, Paulo,
in the name of our friendship,
let me figure it out,
I want to be able to sleep,
to spend a quiet vacation.
That work?
Hello.
Hello.
Are you Clotilde, Linda's mother?
From Strasbourg, single?
Yes.
I won't bother you for long,
I have a small favor to ask of you.
And there was the story
of the secret notebook
on which Paul recorded all his
adulterous relationships
with measurements, comments...
small breasts, laughing, vicious,
vaginal, dirty...
- OK, I get it.
- Flexible...
And she found the notebook.
She read it.
And she kicked him out.
- How do you know?
- I'm a woman.
But... why me?
Your daughter
told me that you were
a very caring woman.
She also told me a lot about your
commitment to the Red Cross...
Oh, I just donate some used clothes.
That's a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't offer you a drink, Patrick.
What would you like?
A glass of water. Otherwise nothing.
Does he know about your... approach?
No... not...
Here.
Let's be clear, Clotilde...
I'm not asking you to go all the way.
Just to flirt with him a little.
To make Paul realize
he really loves women.
I won't hide that...
since my husband left and...
I live alone in my two- room apartment
in the suburbs of Strasbourg,
happiness doesn't always come easily.
Life's unpredictable,
it falls on you like rain.
But you'll have to be gayer,
Clotilde.
I mean, it's just a figure of speech.
Yes.
- Can I think about it?
- Yes, of course.
Either way, it's you or me.
I'm going to start
with an Oceania cake
- with a small salad.
- Very good.
And I'm going to...
Is the Drakkar good?
The pancake with... the whelks?
It's our specialty, sir,
and it speaks for itself:
whelks, clams, mussels.
Well, I'll start with a Drakkar...
but without cheese, please.
Would you like something to drink?
Cider!
And a pitcher of water?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hello?
How is it going?
Is she in front of you?
Very good.
You didn't get there first, did you?
I mean, did she get there before you?
Why would you say that?
Was she sitting when you got there?
I mean, she wasn't standing up?
I... I'm having dinner,
have a good night, sir.
Can we talk, Patrick?
Yeah, what is it?
Since we've never seen you with
a girl, we wanted to make you happy.
We put you on Tinder,
a dating app for men, women.
We made your profile:
serious man, good situation,
great athlete,
with a nice picture of you
and there are only likes,
a huge success!
And yeah, we have good news. Manon!
You have a date with her!
You have the same Cupid preference...
And she loves Benco!
No, no, no.
I'm telling you guys right now, no.
Say no to Manon.
I told you,
I'm into concrete, real stuff,
I flirt live...
The internet's not my thing.
Can I see my picture?
We photoshopped it a little
to make you look good.
Hm...
Thanks for the invitation.
Oh, it's good to get out
of the campsite...
You'll think I'm romantic,
but for me, a woman
is like a flower...
She needs water, love, sunshine
- and attention.
- Oh...
She also likes...
be picked gently and carefully.
There are often pigs
who let them wither.
In love, you sometimes
have to be insistent,
not always on the brake pedal.
Hm hm...
How about dessert?
The Breton blush looks pretty good.
Hm...
I wouldn't mind a sundae, dear Paul.
So, what else?
Bernard,
since you know Cyril Hanouna,
could you see if he's looking
for a new columnist
this fall,
who's a bit more, a bit more...
- A bit more what?
- Sharp...
Cultivated and casual
at the same time?
Who'd bring a senior audience?
That's not for you, Jrme.
Dad, can I talk to you?
My daughter can always talk to me.
What's up?
We'd like to throw a party
for Robert's birthday!
Robert?
Yeah Robert,
one of the guys from Dijon.
The Black guy.
Right, the Black, the Black...
An African. Why here?
Well, we can make more noise here
than at the campsite.
That's true.
The campsite snores after 10 p.m.
You know about camping? OK, fine.
But again in the context
of what I call foundations,
I really want to meet
this Robert's parents.
OK? Otherwise, no party!
OK?
Hello!
Hello, Mrs. Charmillard.
I'm Robert's father.
Ah!
Welcome...
Classy.
- Damn!
- See? It's working.
We'll see, it's not over yet.
Tell the mother the one with
the aluminum foil is the special one.
It's for us, later tonight.
It's off limits!
Hi, we're here!
It's the Wise Men!
Let me take that, Patrick.
Of course.
Dad, this is Patrick,
Robert's father.
Good evening, sir. I'm Patrick,
Patrick Chirac, Robert's father.
OK... Robert's father.
It's a dye job,
I'm usually darker...
- More, more frizzy.
- More frizzy...
So your son is...
- is Robert Chirac.
- Yes, Robert,
like the dictionary.
But...
I mean, so his mother is...
- Dead.
- Ah, sorry.
A small aperitif...
Anyway, I told Robert
that school matters most.
True, I wasn't always home a lot,
it's a shame...
A father is a guide...
But it's not because we're not there,
that we're not there!
We don't decide life,
it just falls into our laps,
like rain...
or snow.
I can smell the maf from here,
it smells wonderful.
My mother makes it well.
Made it, Robert.
Made it.
May she rest in peace. Poor Fatou!
I don't want to pry, Patrick,
but how did you meet Fatou?
In Dijon. At Amora, at work.
We both worked at Amora...
I worked with the mustard
and Fatou with...
the pickles.
And one day, in the canteen...
it clicked.
But, but, but, but, but very quickly,
perhaps too quickly,
happiness fled.
The pickles
were relocated to Bulgaria.
Then there was that stupid accident.
Four fingers cut
in a rusty pickle machine.
So obviously Bulgaria... well...
no social security,
very little anesthesia,
no ambulances...
So gangrene, tetanus...
Nibbling, nibbling, nibbling...
The Venus de Milo.
So, well, no more news,
no more letters, no more mail...
She was right- handed...
Then one morning, she died.
Frizzy girl.
Well...
Not easy to follow.
Well, Patrick...
One more pastis before dinner?
Speaking of pastis, I have
a friend who's a plastic surgeon...
he always says pastis is like boobs:
One's not enough, three is too many!
I'll have to remember that one.
I never do.
Happy birthday!
Yeah!
I've already tried it!
Shit, she got the wrong cake.
We're screwed.
- She took the space cake!
- Shit!
That cake is delicious!
What do you think, honey?
No...
Dad!
Dad what? Dad what?
Dad loves this cake!
This fucking cake! Fucking cake!
Is someone here?
Is someone here?
You went too far, guys,
way too far.
- Get the cake!
- No!
Ohtu kfal.
OK!
I'm telling you, my friends,
I dig this cake!
Kiki?
I dig this cake!
- Mr. Charmillard?
- Shut up!
Mr. Charmillard, open up.
What is it, Robespierre?
You need to stop eating the cake.
- You need to throw up.
- You eat it!
Catch me, Bernadette!
Get the yellow coins!
Robert, don't bullshit me.
Did your cake have some...?
No, it's more...
What? More chemical?
You really screwed up!
- Patrick.
- What?
My mother's name isn't Fatou!
It's Sylvie!
Folklore, Robert, folklore!
We have to make them dream!
Patliick, Patliick!
Come, come, come, come...
No, Patliick, Patliick! Dance!
- I have to go, Mrs. Charmillard.
- Shh.
Dance...
Dance... Dance...
Dance, dance, dance...
Mr. Charmillard?
- Yes?
- Mr. Charmillard?
Where are you?
Hi there...
Here I am!
Look, it's Kiki,
do you recognize him?
I made a suckling pig out of him.
- We just need to skewer him!
- Are you crazy?
No, I'm Franck Provost,
I'm Franck Provost,
I'm Franck Provost!
Stop, he'll catch a cold, sir.
That's OK.
I'll heat him up in the microwave.
No, sir! Mr. Charmillard, no!
Let go of him!
Mr. Charmillard!
- Please...
- Don't! Don, don, don...
Come down, Mr. Charmillard.
I beg you, Jrme...
Listen to me, Goldilocks...
I'll give you a continental
at 49 euros, with earflaps...
I'll shave everything.
From the cellar to the attic!
Ah!
You don't scare me, Mr. Charmillard!
Franck Provost is back!
Come quickly, we have a problem!
Your mom thinks she's an antenna!
Antenna...
Antenna...
Antenna...
Mom, come down, this is ridiculous.
I'm on Gulli...
- This is preposterous!
- Antenna...
Mrs. Charmillard, please come down.
Ha! I'm on BFM!
Can we go home, guys?
I think it's over. We're good.
Patrick! Patrick!
Patrick! Come!
We're going to take back Vietnam!
Not right now,
they're sleeping in Vietnam, Jrme.
And I'm tired.
Are you OK, Patrick?
Yes, well, I only took
a small bite of the cake.
It's not my first rock concert.
Patrick, oh, oh, Patrick!
Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick, it's 6 p.m.
Time to wake up!
What's this?
It's to protect you from sunburn.
It's too crowded, back off!
Let him breathe!
Patrick...
Yesterday, after the pot cake,
you went nuts.
We gave you some
mint liquor to get you up.
You drank the whole bottle,
then you wouldn't stop...
- Stop what?
- You wanted to chop wood.
You took down the Cap- Ferret pier
with an axe.
I think you took drugs, Patrick!
My car...
What the hell is it doing here?
That's the pier of Cap- Ferret.
What did you do to my car?
You wanted to go to America, Patrick.
- America?
- Yeah!
You wanted to cross the Atlantic!
Oh, fuck!
Who's the asshole who tagged my car?
You did, Patrick.
We tried to stop you, but...
you wanted to go wake up
tattoo girl Zzette.
- Zzette who?
- The tattoo girl of Arcachon.
You said you wanted to make
your friends in Dijon laugh.
And?
I think they will.
Well, it's not really finished,
but at least it's modern!
It's nice here, Patrick.
The fire was a good idea.
The Cap- Ferret pier is still burning!
Manon, why are you on Tinder?
You're on vacation,
the beaches are full of guys.
I don't know,
the unknown attracts me.
You never know who you'll get.
Even if this time...
with the picture I had a little idea.
Well!
How about skinny- dipping?
Nice!
Let's go!
Manon, Patrick, are you staying here?
Yes, we'll watch the clothes.
Let's go!
What kind of music do you listen to,
Patrick?
Oh, you know...
Madonna, Jay- Z,
La Fouine, a lot of La Fouine!
Really?
Booba, too.
Frro Delavega.
I love old guys with a young mind.
I think the ideal gap
between a man and a woman
is 30 years...
Oh!
Sorry, are you hurt?
No, it's OK, I have a hard head...
And I love brutes.
I love a little spanking
when it's not deserved.
Shall we join them?
Oh, no...
It's past midnight...
Come on, I bet the water's warm.
So do I.
I'm too young, am I?
I think I'm the one who's too old.
Hop!
Wait for me!
- Patrick?
- Who is it?
It's me.
It's Robert.
I didn't see you.
There's something I've been
meaning to tell you.
I'm sure you have Cameroonian blood!
Funny, I've heard that before.
But shh. I'm looking for a job,
it's not necessarily an asset.
Patrick, your problem
is that you don't trust yourself.
Open up, dare.
Take your courage in both hands!
You know, my father often says:
"When the banana is too high,
"you have to raise your arms."
Who's your father? Is it Michel Leeb?
Who's that?
SHUTTLE
Are you ready, guys?
- Can I have her back?
- It's up to her.
Ready?
What's up, Patrick?
Yeah?
Aurlie.
Aurlie Gatineau,
Paulo and Sophie's daughter.
Well, you've changed!
You've grown!
Yeah. Are you losing your hair?
Oh, this?
It's the drugs...
A complicated vacation.
As usual. Nothing changes.
- How's your daughter?
- Fine. Same,
she's grown.
I think.
I came to see my father.
Do you know where he is?
Here, Commander, Cousteau,
tell me about it.
Commander Cousteau, really?
- Yeah.
- We're thirsty.
This isn't the Shogun!
Of course I look like Will Smith!
- We have the same mom. Fatou Smith.
- Really?
- You're more handsome.
- Ah...
Thanks, Mom! Thanks, Mom!
Campers,
I'll only bother you for a moment,
thanks, ladies,
just to let you know
that with the Campol group
and our partner Tropico,
we've decided to offer you,
dear campers,
the famous Roger Bonheur band.
Mr. Roger Bonheur... Enjoy!
Ladies and gentlemen!
We have a young singer who
will perform a song with us.
Please give it up for Benji Keller.
Here, Laurette,
your Flot Bleu without ginger!
Thank you.
Where's Jacky?
He's probably still looking
for the entrance.
I don't like this party.
It feels like our vacation is over.
Will you dance, miss?
How could I say no, dear sir.
Do you come here often?
No, it's my first time.
Miss...
Could I be so bold to...
offer you a walk on the beach,
with all due respect, of course.
Of course, Jean- Pierre.
You old rascal!
Thank you.
Thank you for all these
unforgettable years.
Patrick!
Selfies are on the other side!
OK. OK. Ready kids?
- Arcachon!
- Yeah.
Send it to me, OK?
- Yeah.
- Alright...
Well, thanks, guys.
You gave me the opportunity
to play dad.
I'm proud of you, son.
You know what?
I'm bummed to see you go!
Old expression, Patrick!
You used it two weeks ago.
That was two weeks ago.
Weathervanes!
- Are you OK, Jos?
- Yeah.
It was the best vacation of my life!
We'll meet up in Dijon, OK?
Alright.
Vanessa's not here?
Vanessa's my sister.
It's not our fault she had a problem.
Well, this is very embarrassing...
It's going to be a long, long road.
Mr. Chirac to reception,
please, Mr. Chirac!
RECEPTION
Yes, I understand, ma'am.
I know, but I don't always
have my cell with me
when I'm on vacation.
Alright, alright, I got it.
Thanks anyway.
What's wrong, Patrick?
I got a job. I start on Monday.
I could go for another one!
Ta, ta, ta, ta!
Cheers, Jacky.
Cheers, my friends!
And he naturally goes back
to the bottle...
You see Patrick,
Tinkerbell was right after all.
Yeah, but starting Monday
is really annoying, though.
Why is that?
Because it's the election of Mr.
Camping at the Shogun on Tuesday.
My friends,
you're going to say that
Paulo Gatineau thinks too much...
But I do wonder...
Do you think that,
at the end of the vacation,
the water is warmer
or colder than at the beginning?
- You really want to know?
- Yes.
Come on, Aurlie.
So?
You won't wait for Patrick?
- Come!
- Come on!
Let's go!
THANKS FOR YOUR TEXT, DAD!
I'M COMING, I'M AT THE STATION!
THE END
TO ENZO AND NATHALIE...
Excuse me, sir,
I'm looking for space number 33.