Catherine Cohen: The Twist...? She's Gorgeous (2022) Movie Script
I'm starring in a show!
I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
Hey, Catherine.
No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- That's magic.
- I know.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
I feel completely insane,
but I look literally stunning.
- That's five.
- Yes. Thank you, Knock.
Thank you, Five.
Thank you...
Hello, New York City.
Welcome to Joe's Pub.
Please give a thunderous,
warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
Seriously.
Stop. I'm shy.
Hello
Oh, my God.
I have an amazing voice.
Wow.
Look at me
doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
Against all odds.
Bet you're wondering how I got here.
Well, baby, I'll tell you.
When I was a little girl
Gazing out my window
Looking at the world
Wishing time would just go
On and on and on
And take me to a new place
Where I'd sing a song
And meet a fresh face
Hey!
How do we find our calling?
How do we know where we belong?
If we harbor enough
Resentment in our teens
We can write a catchy and funny song
Whoo!
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me please, please
Please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, uh, oh, oh
Yeah
When I was a tweenage girl
At the big school dance
I playfully grabbed Andrew's hat
And away I pranced
It was a flirty thing
I'd seen some of the skinny hot girls do
But Andrew was just like
"Gimme my hat back."
I cried the whole way home
I thought
Stealing someone's hat was sexy
But now I sing in dimly lit bars
Andrew voted for Trump and has a car
I don't have one.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy
I don't have a car. Lunge out.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Seriously, please.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
White boot.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Hit my clit.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please
Please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh
Yeah. Bridge.
This is healthy
What I'm doing is healthy
This is a good way
To work shit out, yeah
For the record
I've met boys who wanna kiss
Some even wanna
Put their dick in my mouth
But it's never enough
Help! Spin. Okay.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy in New York City
Give it up.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Seriously, please.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Hair flip.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
I'm unwell.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh
Big finish. Ready? Hey.
Look at me
Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
So, welcome to heaven.
This my show.
You look at me,
you think, "Okay. She has it all."
And it's true.
I do. Ooh.
I'm young. Oh.
I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
But, just this morning,
I had one sip of cold brew
and ruined my only butthole.
Stars, they're just like us.
I am so happy to be
doing this in New York City.
Mmm!
New York City, where I,
for lack of a better term,
do actually "live."
The other day,
I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I guess I am the voice of my generation."
And it's exhausting,
but someone has to do it.
I'm sorry...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I literally can't stop creating content.
If this gets too tall,
I will try to fuck it.
So we have to...
She has a type.
I recently quit my job
because I couldn't wake up and go there.
Does that resonate with anyone?
Yeah.
So, now I've been doing
a lot of lying on my bed,
just kind of waiting for the retweet,
that'll
turn it all around.
Social media is perfect,
'cause you can watch
people you barely know
sort of unravel in real time.
Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
No, jealousy is cool,
'cause it's like swallowing
a house that you just set on fire.
Not to be this bitch,
but a pandemic, colon?
Not what I had in mind.
So ran... Literally, so random.
I was like,
"I did not know this was an option."
I was way more concerned with things
just falling on my head.
There's a lot of stuff that's up.
And here I am beneath.
But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
The last year was absolutely exquisite.
I gained a lot of weight
over the last year,
which isn't good or bad.
It isn't good or bad. Not...
It isn't good or bad.
So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight
because isn't good or bad.
And can you tell
I had therapy two times this week?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
A standing ovation so early in the show.
I did not see that coming.
Um, but it's cool.
One perk of gaining weight
is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
If you didn't notice,
it's because you hate women.
My tits got big enough that I can now,
like all the great poets
who came before me,
titty fuck my boyfriend.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, no. And that's not why I do it.
I don't like being the girl who's like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
I feel like girls who are like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
are the same kind of girls who are like,
"There is actually
too much sugar in fruit."
"So, for me, it's a dessert."
And then their mouth goes
all the way around their face.
But I can officially titty fuck my...
Don't you sometimes wish
there were different words for things?
But now my tits are big enough
that I can wrap 'em
'round my boyfriend's cock.
Did you think...
Be honest. Did you think you'd hear
"cock" this early in the show?
Cock is such a porny word.
I famously love porn,
if my boyfriend tells me
the girl looks like me.
Otherwise, it is bad for women.
And that's just
where I stand on that issue.
So, I was, for the last time,
titty fucking my boyfriend.
Humble brag. And...
when he came...
Yeah.
Could hear a freaking pin drop.
When he came,
he made a sound I've never heard before.
And I was like, " Okay.
I'm a sex goddess."
I turn to him, I say...
"How was that for you?"
And he goes,
"It was actually almost painful."
Um, feminist win much?
Yes. I'm doing the work.
Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I...
You're family.
I love. I love.
What a summer.
It's been a time.
I hate the summer.
All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
But one thing I love about summer,
I have to say,
is those hot, hot summer anthems.
So, if the DJ could just drop
that track real quick, that'd be sick.
I'm really more
of a dancer than a comedian.
Dancer first, choreographer second,
model third, comedian fourth.
Shh. Let me do my thing.
I don't know if you heard
Or if you hang on every word I say
But I got something I must share
So, listen up, hey, hey
The weather's getting hot
And I am, oh, so ready to play
So, listen up and I'll tell you
How you can make my day
Make my day
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Please, invite me to your events
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Take me to your events
Don't know if you know
But it is known that I am just perfect
To take to a red carpet
Where you must repeat and step
I know the poses
Yes, you know I slay the skinny arm
Because I've hated my arms
Since I was a preteen
Thank you, patriarchy
Yes!
Events, events
I wanna go to events
My life is hard
I need to go to events
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Take me to your events
Champagne flute, cocktail dress
Uber, Lyft, Via, sure
Dress code, list at the door
Don't worry, I've done this before
People will send me shit for free
Friends say
I look like fat Alison Brie
But they mean it in a nice way
Yes, they definitely
Mean it in a nice way
Ah, ooh
Event
Take me to your events
Ah, ooh
Event
Take me to your events
Bridge.
Don't insult me
Be a good host
No Facebook invite
But only Paperless Post
If you ask me for my mailing address
Step ball change.
It will get lost
I must confess, because I move so much
Because I can't afford rent
Yes!
Events, events, I wanna go to events
My life is hard
I need to go to an event tonight
To fill the void that is inside
I must go to an event
Please, take me to your events
Um, I think everyone has heard by now,
but I want to be up front about this.
I have some exciting news.
I...
recently read a book.
Thank you. Thank you.
I love you.
I have a rare disease
where if I read a book,
the whole time
I'm looking at it, I'm like,
"Look at you. Reading a book."
"You stupid, stupid slut."
Just 'cause I don't like to read,
write, argue or be alone,
doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
That's my crowd work.
I actually won
a very prestigious award lately.
Hold for applause.
I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
Yeah. Thank you.
And, no, and that's not why I do it.
And that's not why I do it.
When I did that,
I had what critics and fans alike
are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
"What's that? What's that? What could
that possibly be? What is that?"
So, "a lady in a movie moment"
is when something happens to you
that might happen to a lady in a movie.
So, for example,
if you, um... if you check the mail
with your little key...
Lady in a movie.
If you hold a baguette...
If you're even near a baguette...
Lady in a movie.
And if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
that is full-blown, hundy p,
- lady in a...
- Lady in a movie.
Thank you.
Oh!
It feels good to be at home.
So, I did recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady in a movie moment.
I ran into my ex on the street.
And he was wearing a suit.
He looked incredible.
Which is, as we know, illegal.
And I was wearing...
What's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's blood everywhere?
So, I was wearing that.
And we ran into each other,
and he's one of these people
who uses your name in a sentence.
It's like... Whoa.
If you use my name in a sentence,
you need to either fuck me or kill me.
There's no in-between.
On this occasion,
he kind of chose to do neither,
which was, of course, a power move
and not at all related
to how he feels about me.
I'm sorry. I just choked
on my own human tongue.
Breakups are cool. Right?
I'm a guy's girl.
Breakups are cool.
Breakups are freaking sick.
Breakups are cool
because it's like you have
a best friend and then they die.
And then,
instead of going to their funeral,
you go and fuck
a long-haired guy named Randy
in the back seat of a red Mazda
in the parking lot of a water park.
And when you ask him to drive you home,
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
What stage of grief is that?
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
Get back to me on that. I...
I learned a lot from my ex, though.
It's cool.
I never thought, and I'm sorry,
I get choked up when I talk about this.
But, I, um...
Here I go again. He knows.
I never thought
that I could love someone
who can watch an entire movie
while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
But love works in mysterious ways.
I mean, she really, really does.
My ex and I
lived together for three years.
And we actually kept living together
two months after we broke up.
Which is, of course, say it with me,
good for the environment.
Oops, I just ran for office.
Oops, I just won.
Thankfully... Imagine.
No, thank you.
Um...
Whenever... Whenever I think... I'm like,
"Who decides where the streets go?"
I think about that a lot.
And all I think is,
"I am so glad that's not my job."
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
When I first moved into my own apartment,
I fully developed a,
say it with me, new personality.
I have a lot of new traits now.
I recently went
to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
Doctor's orders.
And when I walked in, I was like...
'Cause I'm cool.
When I walk into Chipotle...
Up here, I'm all... At Chipotle, I get it.
I'm like...
I walk into a Chipotle
and the guy working there...
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I'm like, "Okay.
He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
No. I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
"I know guac is extra
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
He goes, " You sure?"
I was like, "Oh, my God."
"Am I sure?"
Mmm...
"I don't know."
"I never thought about that before."
"I don't think about
big boy questions like that."
"I'm just a little girly."
"I think about
little girly things like earrings."
"And shoes. I don't know
about big boy stuff like that."
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
Did I do something?
Wait, did I say something annoying?
I don't think we should kill all the men.
Hold for applause.
But I don't think men
should be allowed to make movies.
Superhero movies are so boring
I could melt into the Earth.
I don't care about movies
that are about, like,
sand...
or rope,
or space.
The only kind of movies I want to watch
are where a woman looks at herself
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says...
"Hello, stranger."
That's kind of the genre
that works for me.
That being said, I do wanna be
the first person in a Marvel movie
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
So, DM me.
You know, it's sad.
I do have a hard time
with men, but even I...
Even I can't resist.
Even I get a bit horny this...
...time of year.
Love is in the air tonight
Those summer lights
Are twinkling bright
I'm sitting here
Sipping an iced coffee
I won't feel bad for being
A little bit naughty
I'll eat a cookie or two
It's just that time of year
I'll stay out later than I should
Might have a glass of wine
On a school night
Baby, it's just that time of year
I'll take the scenic route home
It's just that time of year
I'll dig a really deep hole
It's just that time of year
I'll keep digging that hole
Till there's a very deep hole
Baby, it's just that time of year
When I drag you in the hole
Babe, you won't feel a thing
I've knocked you out with a shovel
When you wake up in that hole
Wonderin' how you got so low
Know it's 'cause you touched
My lower back at a party four years ago
And then you made
That joke about raping me
And when I see your friends
'Cause it's that time of year
When the boys'll close down the bar
I'll let them know with my eyes
There will be no surprise
If you touch me
I will destroy your life
And when you slowly die
'Cause it's that time of year
When the nights
They get, oh, so cold
Brr.
You'll wish you were safe at home
Drinking with your bros
But instead you're dying in a hole
'Cause you treated me
Like I was your property
And ever since then
You've been dead to me
And the last thing you see
Will be my face
Good night.
Ooh.
Okay. I feel so randomly safe
with y'all. So comfortable.
Family, family, family.
I can reveal now,
at this point in the program...
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
I think 'cause
I'm conventionally attractive and...
I didn't love it because Critter
was shortened to "Crit."
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
And I was like, "What's happening
with my one life?" But...
Honestly, now, like,
I am a lot like a clit.
I'm extremely sensitive,
I love to be touched,
and straight guys just don't know
what to do with me.
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
and sometimes they think
I'm like a fun aunt
'cause my energy is like...
And I'm always at restaurants
moaning along
when the waiter tells me the specials.
I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
Mmm. 'Cause it's always
a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
- Whoo!
- Wow!
That mushroom risotto joke
is an absolute banger.
Um...
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
You wish. You sick fucks.
But I got more to give.
I actually was supposed to go to
my ten-year high school reunion recently.
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
"Why the floor? Why the floor?
Why the floor?"
I was too lazy to close the window curtain
that looks into the bed.
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
And I think everyone here knows,
but I do actually have
a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
If you don't know what an armoire is,
now would be an awesome time
to leave the show.
Thank you.
Bye.
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
And the way I do it is
beached-whale style,
which means I just lay on my hand
and away.
And when I looked up
into my mirrored armoire,
I saw something I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
I saw...
in its organic, hardy,
grass-fed, natural state...
my O face.
Without the performance of sex,
the pressure of another,
I saw what I looked like
when I cum, which is...
So, when I cum,
this is actually my O face.
I don't want to be like this.
By the way, if my face was symmetrical,
I would not be up here doing this shit.
Goes without saying,
I don't want to be this way.
I want to be the kind of girl
who just wears jeans.
I wish I could do...
You know when people do that?
I can't jump even a little.
This is literally me
jumping as high as I can.
I wish I could be
the kind of girl who's like...
Sometimes people's legs go up.
I want to be the kind of girl
who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
The kind of girl who can save
half a sandwich for later.
The kind of girl
who can go into a coffee shop
and just stare at sheet music.
Just clutch it
and stare at it and be like,
"I get this."
I want to be the kind of woman
who's out to lunch with friends,
she's draped in silks,
draped in silks, draped in silks.
The restaurant, of course,
white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
And she starts to laugh because
she remembers something funny,
a memory maybe.
But before she does, she stops herself.
She says...
"I was in love once."
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
- But I have career goals too.
- Whoo!
Girl boss.
Um, I really, really... And this is serious.
This is off the record.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
Does anyone have one?
I have such a face for hats.
I have the world's roundest face.
Thank you.
No. Don't all stand up at once.
I really want to wear a bonnet
on screen. Um...
And then my second career goal is
I want to be in a film
where I'm going on a first date,
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
I close the door shut to my apartment,
and then I turn around and I just...
Yes. I slide against that door.
I hooked up with a guy I met
on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
Take back the word.
And mid-moment, he was like,
"Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
And I was like...
"Maybe one fat was enough."
I do. I do. I... I know.
I gravely want to be thin
because of society.
Because thin privilege is real.
If you're thin...
This is my ideal body type.
If you're thin, you can be famous
for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
If you're fat and there's a photo of you
smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
it's a campaign for something.
It's some D.A.R.E. shit.
You know what I mean?
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
Because, as we all know,
women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
And that's what this song's about.
Don't understand
Why y'all won't make bigger clothes
I want the styles that you're making
A size zero
Don't understand why
Y'all won't just listen to me
You dumbass bitch
I am just trying to give you my money
Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me
Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay
Take my money, take, take my money
A lot of fat people have money
So, take my money, please
Can't figure out how many hours
I have logged
Sobbing in dressing rooms
And fighting with my mom
I don't have time to grab
Thirteen pairs of jeans
Jeans are a myth
They are a fraud
They are not relaxing
Tell me, have you ever felt at ease
In a pair of jeans?
They are so stiff
They're an invention of the patriarchy
I know in the '50s it was empowering
To be like, "We're wearing men's pants"
But now they make women's jeans so tight
I can't sit upright
Don't get me started
On boyfriend jeans
I've never been
Thinner than any man that I have dated
I like a skeleton man
It must be a subconscious thing
Like if I fuck this skinny guy
I won't have a chubby daughter
That I'll have to fight with
In the dressing room
Shout out to Urban Outfitters
I mostly cry at Urban Outfitters
Why do they make
All their clothes so tiny?
I love their stuff
I really, really love their stuff
And I wish they would make it bigger
Now make it bigger so I could wear it
Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me
Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay
Take my money, take, take my money
Money
So take my money please
Bridge!
Tell me, have you ever seen
An old painting?
The skinny girl's milking a cow
The fat girl is just laying
Because, before, the richer the person
The bigger they are
But even today, don't you know
Fat people still have credit cards
Take my money, make it easy on me
Take my money, take my money
Make a size 14
Mosh pit me.
Take my money, take
Mosh me.
Take my money
Mosh me.
Take my money please
Mosh pit me.
Because when I was younger
I was traumatized trying to find jeans
That were the right size
If they fit around my waist
They were way too long
I'd have to call my mom
Have her bring me along to the tailor
I'd say cut 'em off
Make 'em short enough for me
She'd go, "No, no, no. Just roll 'em up
What if you grow?"
I'd say, "I don't want to know
What happens if I grow"
'Cause if I wear my jeans like that
All the girls at school will go
"Why are your jeans rolled up
You fat, fucking stupid bitch?"
They won't say that,
but they'll mean that.
You know what I mean?
And now whenever I see
A little girl on the street
I want to cry
I'm like, "Oh, my God
You have no idea how bad it gets"
So, I put that shit out of my head
But sometimes I'll be walking
On the street in New York City
I'll see a person. I'll say,
"Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
"Is that person okay?"
"That person's so small."
My friend will turn to me and say,
"That's a kid. That's all."
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
And if you thought about something
other than yourself
For five fucking seconds
Maybe you'd know that
That you could
Have a whole entire life
If you just stopped
Constantly thinking about your size
But I said, "Society made me this way
And I'll never change"
'Cause I'm tired
Society made me this way
And I don't want to change
'Cause it's hard to change
That's what I've learned
So I'll blame my problems
On someone else
Which is cool and healthy
And really good to do
So take my money, won't you?
Whenever I tell people
I want to lose weight,
they're like, "You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know."
For sure.
But whenever I go to the gym
and I see people with abs,
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
"You did it."
Like, "Get a hobby... for once."
I don't know.
I just... I know working out
is good for mental health.
I do suffer from depression,
or as I like to call it,
"Crying because
outside smells like the past."
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
Boop.
But when I go to the gym,
I just cannot connect with those people.
If you're someone who uses
and cleans a blender every day,
it's like, "What's really going on?"
What's going on?
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
"mud fuck run."
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
"And you never come home."
It's like, "What is that?"
I just worry about you.
And so... I'm gonna sing this song for you.
I see you on the West Side Highway
In your Lululemons
It's harrowing
That you were born in 1997
It seems to me like
You really have it all going on
So why'd you post on Facebook
That you're running a marathon?
Why do you think we all want to know?
Oh.
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Running a marathon
Is clinically insane
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Have you tried just telling your friend
That you're sad instead?
I like a gentle jog too, yeah
It helps to shake things loose
When I jog I feel like I could
Almost shit like I'm a normal girl
But when you tell me
That you're running 26.2
It makes me think that you're burying
Years of inherited trauma
Why do you think we all want to know?
Oh
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Running a marathon
Is clinically insane
What are you running from, seriously?
What are you running from?
Have you tried just breaking up
With that finance guy instead?
I like a finance dude, too, yes
Slept with one or two, too
One time I fucked one who had a jersey
With his own name on it on his wall
And when I turned around
He took the condom off
And when I turned back around
I was like, "Wait, what?"
And he was like, "Wait, what?"
And I was like, "I saw what you did"
And then he called me a bitch
I was like, "I need money
for the morning after pill"
And he threw forty dollars cash at me
And that was actually the first weekend
I ever lived in New York City
What are you running...
What are you running from?
Running a marathon is clinically insane
What could you be running from?
What could you
Possibly be running from?
Have you tried
Just going for a little walk?
Or eating one of the little
Boozy milkshakes?
Double the fun
Why don't you go to one of those places
Where they scrape Parmesan cheese
Out of the big wheel?
Put that online, baby
Oh, yeah, fill the void
At this point in the show,
I know you're thinking,
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
"There's no way that
there's anything up here."
But I'm actually
a brilliant poet and writer.
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
Uh, could you give us a little mood music?
I think that would be good.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Takes me back.
Sorry. I just thought of something,
but it's for a different show.
Hmm.
"A poem I wrote last night
when I couldn't go to sleep,
because there are no sheets on my bed
because I perioded on my other sheets
and cannot be bothered
to put new ones on."
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
about borrowing my adult sized tutu
for your sketch comedy show."
"I was on the L train trying to recall how
I knew the guy sitting across from me."
"Turns out it was from sex.
Thank you so much."
So this next poem...
This is called
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad
at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
"I just found out 'dog'
isn't short for something."
"It's actually just called a dog,
which is fine with me."
"I'm in the kitchen, alone.
Which is romantic in a way."
"Anything can be romantic
if you sigh a lot."
"One time, I told this guy I loved him."
He said, "I don't know what love is."
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated
while wearing AirPods."
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
"Sometimes, being an adult
means washing your hair."
"Sometimes, the only way to know
if a guy is definitely straight
is if he Instagrams a building."
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at
my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
"It's insane
when you ask someone to give you space
and then they do."
Thank you.
This next poem is called
"A poem I wrote after you told me
your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
"A guy on the street said I looked like
I was studying audio engineering
in school."
"He told me he liked my outfit.
He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me
and then called me 'dude.'"
"I have a disease where I never
want to get out of the Uber."
"Because then it means
I have to be somewhere."
"For years I've been suffering
from a serious addiction
to Adam Driver
and Jason Schwartzman, even."
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted
because I'm out of town."
"But then again, I never told him
I was going out of town."
"I'm always horny and looking for
somewhere to charge my phone."
"The Paris Review came in the mail today
and I performed reading it."
"I can't write if no one is watching."
"I can't stop checking my pussy
for weird bumps."
"One time I went to the doctor and when
she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
I was like, 'That's a lot.'
And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
Thank you.
I love sex because it famously
has no consequences.
I was recently at the Newark Airport.
Brag.
And I saw a headline on a magazine.
Vintage.
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves
off side of cliff."
Where were you?
When you found out?
How you were going to die?
Because for me, I was like,
"Oh, that's an option."
I love fuck.
I have some sexual fantasies
I want to share with you all.
My first sexual fantasy is that
I'm in a mahogany room.
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
Built-in bookcases.
And I'm sitting in
a velvet wingback chair.
And I put my ring finger to my temple
and I just say, "Ugh.
I worry. I do."
And then my other sexual fantasy
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask?
Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
that I don't have to get on my knees
when I want to blow him.
That's right. I want to stand up,
dick should be here.
I hooked up with...
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar
because I'm brave, and he was like,
"I actually biked to this bar.
I can bike us back to my place."
"You can ride on my pegs."
And I was like,
"Absolutely not."
He was like,
"No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know
what math is. You are my type."
I just feel like it's like
every chubby girl's nightmare
to be carried in a playful way.
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up
and handed me to my mom, and I was like,
"It's okay. You can put me down."
It's sad.
After I slept with him, I woke up with a,
say it with me, bump on my pussy.
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
And I was like, "Great. I need to
reach out to my gynecologist about this."
So, I had to access her through,
say it with me, The Portal.
I'm s...
Why are doctors
absolutely, clinically addicted
to making you enter through a portal?
It's like...
"I'm here."
It's like, "Can I just get an email or..."
They want you to be like...
They want you to be full Narnia vibes
to talk to them about your broken pussy.
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
Okay. I don't... I hate sci-fi.
There's enough...
There's enough stuff here...
that's really interesting.
We don't have to... We don't have to...
I don't need anything with wings.
Bitch, I have 'em.
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
"I need to take a picture of this
to send to my gynecologist."
So, I went into my studio,
which is obviously an empty room
with a full-size mattress on the floor.
And I took out my camera,
which is obviously
an iPhone rose gold Plus
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
Spread my lips and I took an image.
I wish that were the end of the story.
I'm going to do a lap.
When I looked at that image, um...
Are you okay to hear this?
Ally.
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
it was one of the most
harrowing things I've ever seen.
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
Two, I didn't understand
the reach of my camera.
So, when I looked at the picture,
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips,
which I expected.
But, in the background, I saw what can
only be described as my dead-eyed face.
No expression.
Just a corpse's head, really.
So, I had to crop that out
for legal reasons.
And when I sent it to my gyne,
she was like,
"There's nothing wrong with you."
I know there's a long history
of doctors not believing women,
but in my case,
doctors shouldn't believe me because
I'm what many medical professionals
have called
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
And the thing about stress
is that when you're stressed
in New York City,
there's only one place to go.
Upstate, Upstate
Maybe everything will change
Upstate, Upstate
If I go for two days
Upstate, Upstate
Think of the Instagrams I'll take
Think of the four pages
Of a novel I'll read
Think of all the trees
Oh!
Ooh, look at all the trees,
I'm worldbuilding.
Look at all those trees.
Wow.
I do think trees are medicinal
The Japanese have this principle
Called a "forest bath"
The idea being that
You're cleansed
By walking through nature
But instead I live in New York City
Which is an amusement park from hell
If you're an adult who likes Disney
Well...
Get help
Oh
Baby, please, ooh
It's just not my thing
Sorry, it's fucking creepy
Ha-ha
Upstate, Upstate, ooh
I can draft tweets by a lake
Sipping coffee a bit farther
From where I normally sip coffee
This is how you make
Your problems disappear
Ask anyone, the best way
To make your problems go away
Is to go just three miles away
From where you normally are
It always works
I fucking love it
Upstate, Upstate, ooh
There's a diner
Where you can eat a egg
Look outside the window
At the changing of the seasons
So, fuck, why am I crying for no reason
Fuck
Apples
Have you heard about apples?
I'm going apple-picking
With thirteen of my closest friends
And six of their sexual partners
Apples
Well, maybe if I touch an apple
All my problems will fade
And fall like autumnal foliage
You know, one time in college
I went apple-picking with a boyfriend
He was so tall.
He recently told me not to contact him
He has a new girlfriend now
She wears high heels
And takes pictures of tortellini
I respect her, I laud her
I respect her
She has good taste in men
Did I mention he was tall?
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
Instead of Upstate, I think
What I really need is to live in a box
Where I can't touch my cell phone
Unless I stick my hand
Through a trapdoor
That buzzes when I touch it
Fuck, I'll develop, yes
A Pavlovian response
To touching my cell phone
I'll be healed
Isn't it funny?
And when I say "funny"
I mean deeply sad
That I'm addicted to my cell phone
Cell phone
Does anyone still call it a cell phone?
It's really just a phone
Isn't that interesting?
God, my work is so groundbreaking
Upstate, Upstate
I might miss a call or respond late
If someone texts me, I might actually
Have a reason not to respond right away
Upstate, Upstate
Think of all the friends
I'll fucking hate
After sharing a two-bedroom Airbnb
Six or seven ways
Upstate
I'll wear flannel
I'll get a boyfriend
So I can go to Beacon
Or Cold Spring
If you have a boyfriend
You're legally allowed
To go to Beacon or Cold Spring
Hide your boners, boys.
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
Everything online about women's health
is like, "We don't know."
I get really bad migraines
with visual auras.
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
And when you ask a doctor,
"What are migraines?"
They're all just like...
So I have PCOS.
Let me tell you about PCOS.
It's honestly iconic. Um...
The symptoms are one, you're fat.
No, stop. Two,
you are losing hair on your head,
but, three, you have hair on your face,
and four, you have acne.
So, it's sort of this, like,
waking nightmare
in which you're both young
and old at the same time.
It's like that optical illusion
where the young woman's looking away
and the old woman's looking down.
But in this case, it's just you
looking at yourself in the mirror
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
But if she is, I want to meet her.
Um, if I have to die,
which I'm not super interested in,
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
I'll be, like, surrounded
by millions of loved ones.
And in my last dying breath
I'll be like...
"Does my hair look better
half up or full down?"
Those are a hundy p
gonna be my last words.
How I really want to die is
hosting a fabulous dinner party.
Twelve people. Yeah.
My apartment in my fantasy
you can have a table that that's big.
That's that's big.
That's that big.
Hard to say, easy to write.
Came to me like that.
Ooh.
J'adore. I can't...
I literally don't know
a single word of French.
English, I can do.
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad,
'cause I'm so interesting.
And I was studying abroad
and I was out clubbing
with these, like, hot Italian guys.
And they were like...
They were like,
"Your English is really good."
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
At first I was like,
"It's the only language I speak."
But then I thought about it
and I was like,
"My English is really good."
And what's so bad
about taking a compliment?
Especially as women.
Especially in this industry.
We have to learn to stop apologizing
and just say,
"Yeah. My English is really good."
So, how I want to die
is I'm at this dinner party
and everyone's having
their own bottle of wine,
and that's normal and fine
and no one notices.
And then the person next to me goes,
"Oh, my God. I love that painting."
And I say, "Oh, thank you.
My friend painted that."
And then later in the evening,
I'm lying in bed with my lover.
And he looks to me and he says,
"What's wrong?"
And I say, "You know, I just..."
"I feel a kind of longing
that resembles sadness
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
And then I expire.
And he's like,
"Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow.
Can't remember."
From beyond.
From the beyond
we argue about who wrote that line.
Um, goals.
I am in love right now,
as insane as that sounds.
I know.
And the only way I'll be single again
is if he gets hit by a bus, which is...
For some reason, I'm like,
"That's such a common way to die."
Is it?
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear...
for the first time ever.
If I have to be single again,
that'd be a disaster.
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem
for anyone out there who is single,
who is looking for love,
because I want love.
Because, well,
I want everything.
Lately I feel like
In that movie Love Actually
When Colin Firth sits at his desk
And says
"Well, I'm alone again naturally"
I know I'm not
Supposed to like that movie
I know it's problematic, says Buzzfeed
But romcoms have chemically altered
The state of my brain
Anyways, the point is I'm single
And, hey
I'm looking to, good rhyme, mingle
Yeah, I'm the horniest woman in America
Haven't you heard?
I want to be objectified
I know that isn't right
I know I'm not supposed
To say things like that
Turn my feminism switch on
But I want to be depraved
Yeah, I want to be
Your fucking sex slave
Liz Phair said it best
When she said
"I want to fuck you like a dog"
I guess that's romance to me
I think actually
That's just what I need
Oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Live or die, live or die
Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy
Who doesn't care
If I live or die, oh
If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you
Abhor me, I'll get wet for you
Tell me why would I want
Something that I already have
My therapist says I'm erotomanic
So I googled that in a panic
I don't think she knows what it means.
She also told me I look like Jared Leto.
Different story.
Anyways, erotomania
Is a rare type of schizophrenia
Where you think
Everyone's in love with you
And that's not really my thing
No, what I really like
Is to have a $12 craft beer
And fight with the person
I'm actively fucking
About whether or not they're actually
Sexually attracted to me
God, it's so fun to kind of
Put salt in that wound, ah
Last week this guy asked me
If I wanted to be his girlfriend
And then un-asked me four days later
Now every place we kissed
Is on a special list
Of historic venues in New York City
Because they are haunted, you see
The spell that his jawline cast on me
Is scarier than
Any ghost I've ever seen
Oh, God, I don't want to die
I really don't want to die
I don't believe I'm gonna die
I don't believe
My parents will die either
When we talk about that, I say
"Okay If either one of you guys
Decides to die"
"I'll just fucking kill myself, too"
They said, "Hey, what would
That really accomplish?"
I say, "God, I don't know"
"But sometimes you got to do something
Just for the drama"
I'm romantic
Oh, God, I'm such a romantic
I don't mean to sound pedantic
But, hey, that's just what I need, oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Live or die, live or die
Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Oh
If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you
Abhor me, I'll get wet for you
Treat me like shit
I'll be like a zit
I think this is the one
Recently I told this guy I'm seeing
About this song I'm singing
And he said, "Okay
Do you want me to treat you like shit?"
And I was like, "Do what you want"
But if you want this to last
Just let some of my texts
Pass through the cracks
Just keep me on a string
But keep me at a distance
Treat me like any...
Why am I this way
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
My therapist says I
Need to try to be kind
Ugh.
"Move through kindness," she says
And I said
"But that's so fucking boring"
She goes, "But it's the only way
You're going to grow"
I said, "Why would I want to grow?
I spent my whole life
trying to be smaller"
I remember I was five
I was taking a bath
With my aunt by my side
I said, "God, I love to come home
From school"
"'Cause I can finally
Let my stomach out"
Oh, my God, that's sad
That's so fucking sad
This world is so bad
But I'm addicted to it
Hey, I want to fall in love
And that's just because the movies
But now I know what I really need, oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Thank you. Good night.
Whoo!
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So now I do comedy
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So I need all of you to look at me
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me
Please, please, please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh
I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
Hey, Catherine.
No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- That's magic.
- I know.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha
I feel completely insane,
but I look literally stunning.
- That's five.
- Yes. Thank you, Knock.
Thank you, Five.
Thank you...
Hello, New York City.
Welcome to Joe's Pub.
Please give a thunderous,
warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
Seriously.
Stop. I'm shy.
Hello
Oh, my God.
I have an amazing voice.
Wow.
Look at me
doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
Against all odds.
Bet you're wondering how I got here.
Well, baby, I'll tell you.
When I was a little girl
Gazing out my window
Looking at the world
Wishing time would just go
On and on and on
And take me to a new place
Where I'd sing a song
And meet a fresh face
Hey!
How do we find our calling?
How do we know where we belong?
If we harbor enough
Resentment in our teens
We can write a catchy and funny song
Whoo!
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me please, please
Please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, uh, oh, oh
Yeah
When I was a tweenage girl
At the big school dance
I playfully grabbed Andrew's hat
And away I pranced
It was a flirty thing
I'd seen some of the skinny hot girls do
But Andrew was just like
"Gimme my hat back."
I cried the whole way home
I thought
Stealing someone's hat was sexy
But now I sing in dimly lit bars
Andrew voted for Trump and has a car
I don't have one.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy
I don't have a car. Lunge out.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Seriously, please.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
White boot.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Hit my clit.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please
Please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh
Yeah. Bridge.
This is healthy
What I'm doing is healthy
This is a good way
To work shit out, yeah
For the record
I've met boys who wanna kiss
Some even wanna
Put their dick in my mouth
But it's never enough
Help! Spin. Okay.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, now I do comedy in New York City
Give it up.
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So, I need all of you to look at me
Seriously, please.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Hair flip.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
I'm unwell.
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh
Big finish. Ready? Hey.
Look at me
Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
So, welcome to heaven.
This my show.
You look at me,
you think, "Okay. She has it all."
And it's true.
I do. Ooh.
I'm young. Oh.
I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
But, just this morning,
I had one sip of cold brew
and ruined my only butthole.
Stars, they're just like us.
I am so happy to be
doing this in New York City.
Mmm!
New York City, where I,
for lack of a better term,
do actually "live."
The other day,
I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I guess I am the voice of my generation."
And it's exhausting,
but someone has to do it.
I'm sorry...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I literally can't stop creating content.
If this gets too tall,
I will try to fuck it.
So we have to...
She has a type.
I recently quit my job
because I couldn't wake up and go there.
Does that resonate with anyone?
Yeah.
So, now I've been doing
a lot of lying on my bed,
just kind of waiting for the retweet,
that'll
turn it all around.
Social media is perfect,
'cause you can watch
people you barely know
sort of unravel in real time.
Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
No, jealousy is cool,
'cause it's like swallowing
a house that you just set on fire.
Not to be this bitch,
but a pandemic, colon?
Not what I had in mind.
So ran... Literally, so random.
I was like,
"I did not know this was an option."
I was way more concerned with things
just falling on my head.
There's a lot of stuff that's up.
And here I am beneath.
But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
The last year was absolutely exquisite.
I gained a lot of weight
over the last year,
which isn't good or bad.
It isn't good or bad. Not...
It isn't good or bad.
So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight
because isn't good or bad.
And can you tell
I had therapy two times this week?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
A standing ovation so early in the show.
I did not see that coming.
Um, but it's cool.
One perk of gaining weight
is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
If you didn't notice,
it's because you hate women.
My tits got big enough that I can now,
like all the great poets
who came before me,
titty fuck my boyfriend.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, no. And that's not why I do it.
I don't like being the girl who's like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
I feel like girls who are like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
are the same kind of girls who are like,
"There is actually
too much sugar in fruit."
"So, for me, it's a dessert."
And then their mouth goes
all the way around their face.
But I can officially titty fuck my...
Don't you sometimes wish
there were different words for things?
But now my tits are big enough
that I can wrap 'em
'round my boyfriend's cock.
Did you think...
Be honest. Did you think you'd hear
"cock" this early in the show?
Cock is such a porny word.
I famously love porn,
if my boyfriend tells me
the girl looks like me.
Otherwise, it is bad for women.
And that's just
where I stand on that issue.
So, I was, for the last time,
titty fucking my boyfriend.
Humble brag. And...
when he came...
Yeah.
Could hear a freaking pin drop.
When he came,
he made a sound I've never heard before.
And I was like, " Okay.
I'm a sex goddess."
I turn to him, I say...
"How was that for you?"
And he goes,
"It was actually almost painful."
Um, feminist win much?
Yes. I'm doing the work.
Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I...
You're family.
I love. I love.
What a summer.
It's been a time.
I hate the summer.
All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
But one thing I love about summer,
I have to say,
is those hot, hot summer anthems.
So, if the DJ could just drop
that track real quick, that'd be sick.
I'm really more
of a dancer than a comedian.
Dancer first, choreographer second,
model third, comedian fourth.
Shh. Let me do my thing.
I don't know if you heard
Or if you hang on every word I say
But I got something I must share
So, listen up, hey, hey
The weather's getting hot
And I am, oh, so ready to play
So, listen up and I'll tell you
How you can make my day
Make my day
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Please, invite me to your events
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Take me to your events
Don't know if you know
But it is known that I am just perfect
To take to a red carpet
Where you must repeat and step
I know the poses
Yes, you know I slay the skinny arm
Because I've hated my arms
Since I was a preteen
Thank you, patriarchy
Yes!
Events, events
I wanna go to events
My life is hard
I need to go to events
Events, events
I wanna go to events
Take me to your events
Champagne flute, cocktail dress
Uber, Lyft, Via, sure
Dress code, list at the door
Don't worry, I've done this before
People will send me shit for free
Friends say
I look like fat Alison Brie
But they mean it in a nice way
Yes, they definitely
Mean it in a nice way
Ah, ooh
Event
Take me to your events
Ah, ooh
Event
Take me to your events
Bridge.
Don't insult me
Be a good host
No Facebook invite
But only Paperless Post
If you ask me for my mailing address
Step ball change.
It will get lost
I must confess, because I move so much
Because I can't afford rent
Yes!
Events, events, I wanna go to events
My life is hard
I need to go to an event tonight
To fill the void that is inside
I must go to an event
Please, take me to your events
Um, I think everyone has heard by now,
but I want to be up front about this.
I have some exciting news.
I...
recently read a book.
Thank you. Thank you.
I love you.
I have a rare disease
where if I read a book,
the whole time
I'm looking at it, I'm like,
"Look at you. Reading a book."
"You stupid, stupid slut."
Just 'cause I don't like to read,
write, argue or be alone,
doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
That's my crowd work.
I actually won
a very prestigious award lately.
Hold for applause.
I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
Yeah. Thank you.
And, no, and that's not why I do it.
And that's not why I do it.
When I did that,
I had what critics and fans alike
are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
"What's that? What's that? What could
that possibly be? What is that?"
So, "a lady in a movie moment"
is when something happens to you
that might happen to a lady in a movie.
So, for example,
if you, um... if you check the mail
with your little key...
Lady in a movie.
If you hold a baguette...
If you're even near a baguette...
Lady in a movie.
And if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
that is full-blown, hundy p,
- lady in a...
- Lady in a movie.
Thank you.
Oh!
It feels good to be at home.
So, I did recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady in a movie moment.
I ran into my ex on the street.
And he was wearing a suit.
He looked incredible.
Which is, as we know, illegal.
And I was wearing...
What's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's blood everywhere?
So, I was wearing that.
And we ran into each other,
and he's one of these people
who uses your name in a sentence.
It's like... Whoa.
If you use my name in a sentence,
you need to either fuck me or kill me.
There's no in-between.
On this occasion,
he kind of chose to do neither,
which was, of course, a power move
and not at all related
to how he feels about me.
I'm sorry. I just choked
on my own human tongue.
Breakups are cool. Right?
I'm a guy's girl.
Breakups are cool.
Breakups are freaking sick.
Breakups are cool
because it's like you have
a best friend and then they die.
And then,
instead of going to their funeral,
you go and fuck
a long-haired guy named Randy
in the back seat of a red Mazda
in the parking lot of a water park.
And when you ask him to drive you home,
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
What stage of grief is that?
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
Get back to me on that. I...
I learned a lot from my ex, though.
It's cool.
I never thought, and I'm sorry,
I get choked up when I talk about this.
But, I, um...
Here I go again. He knows.
I never thought
that I could love someone
who can watch an entire movie
while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
But love works in mysterious ways.
I mean, she really, really does.
My ex and I
lived together for three years.
And we actually kept living together
two months after we broke up.
Which is, of course, say it with me,
good for the environment.
Oops, I just ran for office.
Oops, I just won.
Thankfully... Imagine.
No, thank you.
Um...
Whenever... Whenever I think... I'm like,
"Who decides where the streets go?"
I think about that a lot.
And all I think is,
"I am so glad that's not my job."
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
When I first moved into my own apartment,
I fully developed a,
say it with me, new personality.
I have a lot of new traits now.
I recently went
to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
Doctor's orders.
And when I walked in, I was like...
'Cause I'm cool.
When I walk into Chipotle...
Up here, I'm all... At Chipotle, I get it.
I'm like...
I walk into a Chipotle
and the guy working there...
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I'm like, "Okay.
He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
No. I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
"I know guac is extra
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
He goes, " You sure?"
I was like, "Oh, my God."
"Am I sure?"
Mmm...
"I don't know."
"I never thought about that before."
"I don't think about
big boy questions like that."
"I'm just a little girly."
"I think about
little girly things like earrings."
"And shoes. I don't know
about big boy stuff like that."
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
Did I do something?
Wait, did I say something annoying?
I don't think we should kill all the men.
Hold for applause.
But I don't think men
should be allowed to make movies.
Superhero movies are so boring
I could melt into the Earth.
I don't care about movies
that are about, like,
sand...
or rope,
or space.
The only kind of movies I want to watch
are where a woman looks at herself
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says...
"Hello, stranger."
That's kind of the genre
that works for me.
That being said, I do wanna be
the first person in a Marvel movie
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
So, DM me.
You know, it's sad.
I do have a hard time
with men, but even I...
Even I can't resist.
Even I get a bit horny this...
...time of year.
Love is in the air tonight
Those summer lights
Are twinkling bright
I'm sitting here
Sipping an iced coffee
I won't feel bad for being
A little bit naughty
I'll eat a cookie or two
It's just that time of year
I'll stay out later than I should
Might have a glass of wine
On a school night
Baby, it's just that time of year
I'll take the scenic route home
It's just that time of year
I'll dig a really deep hole
It's just that time of year
I'll keep digging that hole
Till there's a very deep hole
Baby, it's just that time of year
When I drag you in the hole
Babe, you won't feel a thing
I've knocked you out with a shovel
When you wake up in that hole
Wonderin' how you got so low
Know it's 'cause you touched
My lower back at a party four years ago
And then you made
That joke about raping me
And when I see your friends
'Cause it's that time of year
When the boys'll close down the bar
I'll let them know with my eyes
There will be no surprise
If you touch me
I will destroy your life
And when you slowly die
'Cause it's that time of year
When the nights
They get, oh, so cold
Brr.
You'll wish you were safe at home
Drinking with your bros
But instead you're dying in a hole
'Cause you treated me
Like I was your property
And ever since then
You've been dead to me
And the last thing you see
Will be my face
Good night.
Ooh.
Okay. I feel so randomly safe
with y'all. So comfortable.
Family, family, family.
I can reveal now,
at this point in the program...
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
I think 'cause
I'm conventionally attractive and...
I didn't love it because Critter
was shortened to "Crit."
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
And I was like, "What's happening
with my one life?" But...
Honestly, now, like,
I am a lot like a clit.
I'm extremely sensitive,
I love to be touched,
and straight guys just don't know
what to do with me.
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
and sometimes they think
I'm like a fun aunt
'cause my energy is like...
And I'm always at restaurants
moaning along
when the waiter tells me the specials.
I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
Mmm. 'Cause it's always
a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
- Whoo!
- Wow!
That mushroom risotto joke
is an absolute banger.
Um...
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
You wish. You sick fucks.
But I got more to give.
I actually was supposed to go to
my ten-year high school reunion recently.
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
"Why the floor? Why the floor?
Why the floor?"
I was too lazy to close the window curtain
that looks into the bed.
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
And I think everyone here knows,
but I do actually have
a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
If you don't know what an armoire is,
now would be an awesome time
to leave the show.
Thank you.
Bye.
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
And the way I do it is
beached-whale style,
which means I just lay on my hand
and away.
And when I looked up
into my mirrored armoire,
I saw something I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
I saw...
in its organic, hardy,
grass-fed, natural state...
my O face.
Without the performance of sex,
the pressure of another,
I saw what I looked like
when I cum, which is...
So, when I cum,
this is actually my O face.
I don't want to be like this.
By the way, if my face was symmetrical,
I would not be up here doing this shit.
Goes without saying,
I don't want to be this way.
I want to be the kind of girl
who just wears jeans.
I wish I could do...
You know when people do that?
I can't jump even a little.
This is literally me
jumping as high as I can.
I wish I could be
the kind of girl who's like...
Sometimes people's legs go up.
I want to be the kind of girl
who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
The kind of girl who can save
half a sandwich for later.
The kind of girl
who can go into a coffee shop
and just stare at sheet music.
Just clutch it
and stare at it and be like,
"I get this."
I want to be the kind of woman
who's out to lunch with friends,
she's draped in silks,
draped in silks, draped in silks.
The restaurant, of course,
white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
And she starts to laugh because
she remembers something funny,
a memory maybe.
But before she does, she stops herself.
She says...
"I was in love once."
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
- But I have career goals too.
- Whoo!
Girl boss.
Um, I really, really... And this is serious.
This is off the record.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
Does anyone have one?
I have such a face for hats.
I have the world's roundest face.
Thank you.
No. Don't all stand up at once.
I really want to wear a bonnet
on screen. Um...
And then my second career goal is
I want to be in a film
where I'm going on a first date,
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
I close the door shut to my apartment,
and then I turn around and I just...
Yes. I slide against that door.
I hooked up with a guy I met
on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
Take back the word.
And mid-moment, he was like,
"Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
And I was like...
"Maybe one fat was enough."
I do. I do. I... I know.
I gravely want to be thin
because of society.
Because thin privilege is real.
If you're thin...
This is my ideal body type.
If you're thin, you can be famous
for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
If you're fat and there's a photo of you
smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
it's a campaign for something.
It's some D.A.R.E. shit.
You know what I mean?
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
Because, as we all know,
women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
And that's what this song's about.
Don't understand
Why y'all won't make bigger clothes
I want the styles that you're making
A size zero
Don't understand why
Y'all won't just listen to me
You dumbass bitch
I am just trying to give you my money
Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me
Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay
Take my money, take, take my money
A lot of fat people have money
So, take my money, please
Can't figure out how many hours
I have logged
Sobbing in dressing rooms
And fighting with my mom
I don't have time to grab
Thirteen pairs of jeans
Jeans are a myth
They are a fraud
They are not relaxing
Tell me, have you ever felt at ease
In a pair of jeans?
They are so stiff
They're an invention of the patriarchy
I know in the '50s it was empowering
To be like, "We're wearing men's pants"
But now they make women's jeans so tight
I can't sit upright
Don't get me started
On boyfriend jeans
I've never been
Thinner than any man that I have dated
I like a skeleton man
It must be a subconscious thing
Like if I fuck this skinny guy
I won't have a chubby daughter
That I'll have to fight with
In the dressing room
Shout out to Urban Outfitters
I mostly cry at Urban Outfitters
Why do they make
All their clothes so tiny?
I love their stuff
I really, really love their stuff
And I wish they would make it bigger
Now make it bigger so I could wear it
Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me
Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay
Take my money, take, take my money
Money
So take my money please
Bridge!
Tell me, have you ever seen
An old painting?
The skinny girl's milking a cow
The fat girl is just laying
Because, before, the richer the person
The bigger they are
But even today, don't you know
Fat people still have credit cards
Take my money, make it easy on me
Take my money, take my money
Make a size 14
Mosh pit me.
Take my money, take
Mosh me.
Take my money
Mosh me.
Take my money please
Mosh pit me.
Because when I was younger
I was traumatized trying to find jeans
That were the right size
If they fit around my waist
They were way too long
I'd have to call my mom
Have her bring me along to the tailor
I'd say cut 'em off
Make 'em short enough for me
She'd go, "No, no, no. Just roll 'em up
What if you grow?"
I'd say, "I don't want to know
What happens if I grow"
'Cause if I wear my jeans like that
All the girls at school will go
"Why are your jeans rolled up
You fat, fucking stupid bitch?"
They won't say that,
but they'll mean that.
You know what I mean?
And now whenever I see
A little girl on the street
I want to cry
I'm like, "Oh, my God
You have no idea how bad it gets"
So, I put that shit out of my head
But sometimes I'll be walking
On the street in New York City
I'll see a person. I'll say,
"Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
"Is that person okay?"
"That person's so small."
My friend will turn to me and say,
"That's a kid. That's all."
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
And if you thought about something
other than yourself
For five fucking seconds
Maybe you'd know that
That you could
Have a whole entire life
If you just stopped
Constantly thinking about your size
But I said, "Society made me this way
And I'll never change"
'Cause I'm tired
Society made me this way
And I don't want to change
'Cause it's hard to change
That's what I've learned
So I'll blame my problems
On someone else
Which is cool and healthy
And really good to do
So take my money, won't you?
Whenever I tell people
I want to lose weight,
they're like, "You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know."
For sure.
But whenever I go to the gym
and I see people with abs,
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
"You did it."
Like, "Get a hobby... for once."
I don't know.
I just... I know working out
is good for mental health.
I do suffer from depression,
or as I like to call it,
"Crying because
outside smells like the past."
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
Boop.
But when I go to the gym,
I just cannot connect with those people.
If you're someone who uses
and cleans a blender every day,
it's like, "What's really going on?"
What's going on?
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
"mud fuck run."
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
"And you never come home."
It's like, "What is that?"
I just worry about you.
And so... I'm gonna sing this song for you.
I see you on the West Side Highway
In your Lululemons
It's harrowing
That you were born in 1997
It seems to me like
You really have it all going on
So why'd you post on Facebook
That you're running a marathon?
Why do you think we all want to know?
Oh.
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Running a marathon
Is clinically insane
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Have you tried just telling your friend
That you're sad instead?
I like a gentle jog too, yeah
It helps to shake things loose
When I jog I feel like I could
Almost shit like I'm a normal girl
But when you tell me
That you're running 26.2
It makes me think that you're burying
Years of inherited trauma
Why do you think we all want to know?
Oh
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
What are you running from?
Running a marathon
Is clinically insane
What are you running from, seriously?
What are you running from?
Have you tried just breaking up
With that finance guy instead?
I like a finance dude, too, yes
Slept with one or two, too
One time I fucked one who had a jersey
With his own name on it on his wall
And when I turned around
He took the condom off
And when I turned back around
I was like, "Wait, what?"
And he was like, "Wait, what?"
And I was like, "I saw what you did"
And then he called me a bitch
I was like, "I need money
for the morning after pill"
And he threw forty dollars cash at me
And that was actually the first weekend
I ever lived in New York City
What are you running...
What are you running from?
Running a marathon is clinically insane
What could you be running from?
What could you
Possibly be running from?
Have you tried
Just going for a little walk?
Or eating one of the little
Boozy milkshakes?
Double the fun
Why don't you go to one of those places
Where they scrape Parmesan cheese
Out of the big wheel?
Put that online, baby
Oh, yeah, fill the void
At this point in the show,
I know you're thinking,
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
"There's no way that
there's anything up here."
But I'm actually
a brilliant poet and writer.
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
Uh, could you give us a little mood music?
I think that would be good.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Takes me back.
Sorry. I just thought of something,
but it's for a different show.
Hmm.
"A poem I wrote last night
when I couldn't go to sleep,
because there are no sheets on my bed
because I perioded on my other sheets
and cannot be bothered
to put new ones on."
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
about borrowing my adult sized tutu
for your sketch comedy show."
"I was on the L train trying to recall how
I knew the guy sitting across from me."
"Turns out it was from sex.
Thank you so much."
So this next poem...
This is called
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad
at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
"I just found out 'dog'
isn't short for something."
"It's actually just called a dog,
which is fine with me."
"I'm in the kitchen, alone.
Which is romantic in a way."
"Anything can be romantic
if you sigh a lot."
"One time, I told this guy I loved him."
He said, "I don't know what love is."
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated
while wearing AirPods."
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
"Sometimes, being an adult
means washing your hair."
"Sometimes, the only way to know
if a guy is definitely straight
is if he Instagrams a building."
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at
my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
"It's insane
when you ask someone to give you space
and then they do."
Thank you.
This next poem is called
"A poem I wrote after you told me
your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
"A guy on the street said I looked like
I was studying audio engineering
in school."
"He told me he liked my outfit.
He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me
and then called me 'dude.'"
"I have a disease where I never
want to get out of the Uber."
"Because then it means
I have to be somewhere."
"For years I've been suffering
from a serious addiction
to Adam Driver
and Jason Schwartzman, even."
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted
because I'm out of town."
"But then again, I never told him
I was going out of town."
"I'm always horny and looking for
somewhere to charge my phone."
"The Paris Review came in the mail today
and I performed reading it."
"I can't write if no one is watching."
"I can't stop checking my pussy
for weird bumps."
"One time I went to the doctor and when
she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
I was like, 'That's a lot.'
And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
Thank you.
I love sex because it famously
has no consequences.
I was recently at the Newark Airport.
Brag.
And I saw a headline on a magazine.
Vintage.
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves
off side of cliff."
Where were you?
When you found out?
How you were going to die?
Because for me, I was like,
"Oh, that's an option."
I love fuck.
I have some sexual fantasies
I want to share with you all.
My first sexual fantasy is that
I'm in a mahogany room.
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
Built-in bookcases.
And I'm sitting in
a velvet wingback chair.
And I put my ring finger to my temple
and I just say, "Ugh.
I worry. I do."
And then my other sexual fantasy
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask?
Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
that I don't have to get on my knees
when I want to blow him.
That's right. I want to stand up,
dick should be here.
I hooked up with...
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar
because I'm brave, and he was like,
"I actually biked to this bar.
I can bike us back to my place."
"You can ride on my pegs."
And I was like,
"Absolutely not."
He was like,
"No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know
what math is. You are my type."
I just feel like it's like
every chubby girl's nightmare
to be carried in a playful way.
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up
and handed me to my mom, and I was like,
"It's okay. You can put me down."
It's sad.
After I slept with him, I woke up with a,
say it with me, bump on my pussy.
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
And I was like, "Great. I need to
reach out to my gynecologist about this."
So, I had to access her through,
say it with me, The Portal.
I'm s...
Why are doctors
absolutely, clinically addicted
to making you enter through a portal?
It's like...
"I'm here."
It's like, "Can I just get an email or..."
They want you to be like...
They want you to be full Narnia vibes
to talk to them about your broken pussy.
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
Okay. I don't... I hate sci-fi.
There's enough...
There's enough stuff here...
that's really interesting.
We don't have to... We don't have to...
I don't need anything with wings.
Bitch, I have 'em.
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
"I need to take a picture of this
to send to my gynecologist."
So, I went into my studio,
which is obviously an empty room
with a full-size mattress on the floor.
And I took out my camera,
which is obviously
an iPhone rose gold Plus
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
Spread my lips and I took an image.
I wish that were the end of the story.
I'm going to do a lap.
When I looked at that image, um...
Are you okay to hear this?
Ally.
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
it was one of the most
harrowing things I've ever seen.
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
Two, I didn't understand
the reach of my camera.
So, when I looked at the picture,
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips,
which I expected.
But, in the background, I saw what can
only be described as my dead-eyed face.
No expression.
Just a corpse's head, really.
So, I had to crop that out
for legal reasons.
And when I sent it to my gyne,
she was like,
"There's nothing wrong with you."
I know there's a long history
of doctors not believing women,
but in my case,
doctors shouldn't believe me because
I'm what many medical professionals
have called
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
And the thing about stress
is that when you're stressed
in New York City,
there's only one place to go.
Upstate, Upstate
Maybe everything will change
Upstate, Upstate
If I go for two days
Upstate, Upstate
Think of the Instagrams I'll take
Think of the four pages
Of a novel I'll read
Think of all the trees
Oh!
Ooh, look at all the trees,
I'm worldbuilding.
Look at all those trees.
Wow.
I do think trees are medicinal
The Japanese have this principle
Called a "forest bath"
The idea being that
You're cleansed
By walking through nature
But instead I live in New York City
Which is an amusement park from hell
If you're an adult who likes Disney
Well...
Get help
Oh
Baby, please, ooh
It's just not my thing
Sorry, it's fucking creepy
Ha-ha
Upstate, Upstate, ooh
I can draft tweets by a lake
Sipping coffee a bit farther
From where I normally sip coffee
This is how you make
Your problems disappear
Ask anyone, the best way
To make your problems go away
Is to go just three miles away
From where you normally are
It always works
I fucking love it
Upstate, Upstate, ooh
There's a diner
Where you can eat a egg
Look outside the window
At the changing of the seasons
So, fuck, why am I crying for no reason
Fuck
Apples
Have you heard about apples?
I'm going apple-picking
With thirteen of my closest friends
And six of their sexual partners
Apples
Well, maybe if I touch an apple
All my problems will fade
And fall like autumnal foliage
You know, one time in college
I went apple-picking with a boyfriend
He was so tall.
He recently told me not to contact him
He has a new girlfriend now
She wears high heels
And takes pictures of tortellini
I respect her, I laud her
I respect her
She has good taste in men
Did I mention he was tall?
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
Instead of Upstate, I think
What I really need is to live in a box
Where I can't touch my cell phone
Unless I stick my hand
Through a trapdoor
That buzzes when I touch it
Fuck, I'll develop, yes
A Pavlovian response
To touching my cell phone
I'll be healed
Isn't it funny?
And when I say "funny"
I mean deeply sad
That I'm addicted to my cell phone
Cell phone
Does anyone still call it a cell phone?
It's really just a phone
Isn't that interesting?
God, my work is so groundbreaking
Upstate, Upstate
I might miss a call or respond late
If someone texts me, I might actually
Have a reason not to respond right away
Upstate, Upstate
Think of all the friends
I'll fucking hate
After sharing a two-bedroom Airbnb
Six or seven ways
Upstate
I'll wear flannel
I'll get a boyfriend
So I can go to Beacon
Or Cold Spring
If you have a boyfriend
You're legally allowed
To go to Beacon or Cold Spring
Hide your boners, boys.
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
Everything online about women's health
is like, "We don't know."
I get really bad migraines
with visual auras.
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
And when you ask a doctor,
"What are migraines?"
They're all just like...
So I have PCOS.
Let me tell you about PCOS.
It's honestly iconic. Um...
The symptoms are one, you're fat.
No, stop. Two,
you are losing hair on your head,
but, three, you have hair on your face,
and four, you have acne.
So, it's sort of this, like,
waking nightmare
in which you're both young
and old at the same time.
It's like that optical illusion
where the young woman's looking away
and the old woman's looking down.
But in this case, it's just you
looking at yourself in the mirror
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
But if she is, I want to meet her.
Um, if I have to die,
which I'm not super interested in,
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
I'll be, like, surrounded
by millions of loved ones.
And in my last dying breath
I'll be like...
"Does my hair look better
half up or full down?"
Those are a hundy p
gonna be my last words.
How I really want to die is
hosting a fabulous dinner party.
Twelve people. Yeah.
My apartment in my fantasy
you can have a table that that's big.
That's that's big.
That's that big.
Hard to say, easy to write.
Came to me like that.
Ooh.
J'adore. I can't...
I literally don't know
a single word of French.
English, I can do.
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad,
'cause I'm so interesting.
And I was studying abroad
and I was out clubbing
with these, like, hot Italian guys.
And they were like...
They were like,
"Your English is really good."
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
At first I was like,
"It's the only language I speak."
But then I thought about it
and I was like,
"My English is really good."
And what's so bad
about taking a compliment?
Especially as women.
Especially in this industry.
We have to learn to stop apologizing
and just say,
"Yeah. My English is really good."
So, how I want to die
is I'm at this dinner party
and everyone's having
their own bottle of wine,
and that's normal and fine
and no one notices.
And then the person next to me goes,
"Oh, my God. I love that painting."
And I say, "Oh, thank you.
My friend painted that."
And then later in the evening,
I'm lying in bed with my lover.
And he looks to me and he says,
"What's wrong?"
And I say, "You know, I just..."
"I feel a kind of longing
that resembles sadness
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
And then I expire.
And he's like,
"Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow.
Can't remember."
From beyond.
From the beyond
we argue about who wrote that line.
Um, goals.
I am in love right now,
as insane as that sounds.
I know.
And the only way I'll be single again
is if he gets hit by a bus, which is...
For some reason, I'm like,
"That's such a common way to die."
Is it?
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear...
for the first time ever.
If I have to be single again,
that'd be a disaster.
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem
for anyone out there who is single,
who is looking for love,
because I want love.
Because, well,
I want everything.
Lately I feel like
In that movie Love Actually
When Colin Firth sits at his desk
And says
"Well, I'm alone again naturally"
I know I'm not
Supposed to like that movie
I know it's problematic, says Buzzfeed
But romcoms have chemically altered
The state of my brain
Anyways, the point is I'm single
And, hey
I'm looking to, good rhyme, mingle
Yeah, I'm the horniest woman in America
Haven't you heard?
I want to be objectified
I know that isn't right
I know I'm not supposed
To say things like that
Turn my feminism switch on
But I want to be depraved
Yeah, I want to be
Your fucking sex slave
Liz Phair said it best
When she said
"I want to fuck you like a dog"
I guess that's romance to me
I think actually
That's just what I need
Oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Live or die, live or die
Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy
Who doesn't care
If I live or die, oh
If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you
Abhor me, I'll get wet for you
Tell me why would I want
Something that I already have
My therapist says I'm erotomanic
So I googled that in a panic
I don't think she knows what it means.
She also told me I look like Jared Leto.
Different story.
Anyways, erotomania
Is a rare type of schizophrenia
Where you think
Everyone's in love with you
And that's not really my thing
No, what I really like
Is to have a $12 craft beer
And fight with the person
I'm actively fucking
About whether or not they're actually
Sexually attracted to me
God, it's so fun to kind of
Put salt in that wound, ah
Last week this guy asked me
If I wanted to be his girlfriend
And then un-asked me four days later
Now every place we kissed
Is on a special list
Of historic venues in New York City
Because they are haunted, you see
The spell that his jawline cast on me
Is scarier than
Any ghost I've ever seen
Oh, God, I don't want to die
I really don't want to die
I don't believe I'm gonna die
I don't believe
My parents will die either
When we talk about that, I say
"Okay If either one of you guys
Decides to die"
"I'll just fucking kill myself, too"
They said, "Hey, what would
That really accomplish?"
I say, "God, I don't know"
"But sometimes you got to do something
Just for the drama"
I'm romantic
Oh, God, I'm such a romantic
I don't mean to sound pedantic
But, hey, that's just what I need, oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Live or die, live or die
Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Oh
If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you
Abhor me, I'll get wet for you
Treat me like shit
I'll be like a zit
I think this is the one
Recently I told this guy I'm seeing
About this song I'm singing
And he said, "Okay
Do you want me to treat you like shit?"
And I was like, "Do what you want"
But if you want this to last
Just let some of my texts
Pass through the cracks
Just keep me on a string
But keep me at a distance
Treat me like any...
Why am I this way
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
My therapist says I
Need to try to be kind
Ugh.
"Move through kindness," she says
And I said
"But that's so fucking boring"
She goes, "But it's the only way
You're going to grow"
I said, "Why would I want to grow?
I spent my whole life
trying to be smaller"
I remember I was five
I was taking a bath
With my aunt by my side
I said, "God, I love to come home
From school"
"'Cause I can finally
Let my stomach out"
Oh, my God, that's sad
That's so fucking sad
This world is so bad
But I'm addicted to it
Hey, I want to fall in love
And that's just because the movies
But now I know what I really need, oh
I'm not looking for that special guy
I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right
I just want someone in my bed
Every single night
Who doesn't care
If I live or die
Thank you. Good night.
Whoo!
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So now I do comedy
Boys never wanted to kiss me
So I need all of you to look at me
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me
Please, please, please
Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh