Chad Daniels: Empty Nester (2024) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chad Daniels!
Well, hello!
This is crazy.
Hi. Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.
You keep clapping,
I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.
That was wild.
This is fucking crazy, man.
I've lived in Minnesota my whole life
and now we're at the capital,
and I'm filming this goldarn thing.
So it's a pretty good deal.
I've lived here my whole life
and I've noticed
that Minnesota and New York
are the only two places
where you can tell someone
you're from there,
and someone will say your accent
back to you right away.
You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."
"Oh! Minnesota!"
"Brr, brr."
Or "I'm from New York."
"Hey, New York!
I'm walking here!"
You don't get that other places.
Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."
"Oh, I'm from Cleveland.
I see my kids every other weekend."
Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."
"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."
"I only quote the Bible
when it fits what I'm talking about."
I was in New York one time
and I was trying to cross a crosswalk
and I couldn't
'cause there were people in front of me
and puddles on both sides of me.
I go to one of the guys and I go,
"Can we cross the street?"
He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand
that says we can't cross."
I said, "That's a suggestion.
We're adults. So let's figure it out."
- And then from behind me, a woman goes...
- "Fucking go."
Like that.
I thought Batman was behind me.
That's no kidding.
So without even looking, I go,
"You're the captain of our team."
I go, "You gotta come up here."
I heard shuffling,
so I turned around and I looked,
and she was on crutches.
Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.
She was on, like, the grippies
with the Wonder Woman bracelets.
She was on those. Like, forever crutches.
You know? She didn't sprain an ankle,
her mom drank when she was pregnant.
Okay. I've got some shaking heads
and some shaking shoulders.
Whatever, I don't care.
I'll take either one.
We finally get to the front,
it's her and I.
I go, "What do you think, Captain?"
She goes, "Assess the situation."
All right. So we got
a one-way street going this way.
There's a car coming
but it's three blocks away that way.
She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"
And I said, "I think
you and I have different answers."
Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,
and took off like a hermit crab
across the street.
It is the fastest I've ever seen
a human being move in my life.
Like MC Hammer times 10,000.
Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a
all the way across the thing.
The only way it could've been better
is if she had ducked into a hole
at the end of it.
"God damn, crab lady."
"You just made somebody's Wednesday."
I don't know if I necessarily want
to talk about this next thing,
but I feel like I need to.
I saw a grown man
kiss his own sister on the lips.
It's true. At a restaurant.
It was with my children.
By the way, I've never kissed them
on the lips, I don't think.
Maybe when they were babies.
It wasn't to kiss them,
it was more to steal their essence.
You ever feel old around a kid
and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?
So we're eating, and a man walks in,
and he goes, "Sister!"
And then from across the restaurant,
a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"
Then they started
walking towards each other,
with what now I can confirm was passion.
Then they kissed on the lips.
And my kids and I pushed our meals
to the middle of the table.
Because they were raised correctly
and we don't eat till we figure shit out.
There is a mystery in this restaurant,
and we must solve it.
I said to my kids,
"What do you think is going on?"
My son goes, "I don't know what's going on
but I do know you don't start
kissing your sister when you're an adult."
I'm like, "All right. We got some traction
to solve this thing. Let's go."
I asked my daughter, "What would you do
if your brother kissed you?"
She said, "I'd kill him."
Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."
I wanna be clear
that I know suicide is not funny
but I was beaming with pride as a father.
And a little confused
that there's Japanese blood
in my family lineage.
That's an honorable people.
If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.
It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy
kiss his own sister on the lips,
next move
is walking right into that forest.
May I ask you a question? Yeah.
- Do you have a brother?
- No.
- You don't. Do you?
- Yeah.
What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
That's way too long. That's way too long.
Oh, my God.
What are you thinking about?
You're like, "I guess I don't know."
I'm teasing.
What do you think you'd do though?
I don't know.
You wouldn't do anything?
You'd let him kiss you?
The answer you're looking for,
the word, is murder.
I just tried to help you
with my daughter's answer.
Wouldn't do anything.
- You have a brother?
- I do.
What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
We have different moms, so...
You have different moms, so...?
If you didn't hear, she said,
"We have different moms, so..."
And I'd like to guess the next word.
Is it "fuck"?
See? That could have been you.
Got to come to these things ready.
Well, it's just so strange to me,
'cause I have a sister,
and she's one of my favorite people
on Earth,
and I've never even kissed her
on the cheek.
And I love her to death.
I should have, probably.
She's been through some tough shit.
My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,
and not one day did I think,
"Maybe a kiss on the cheek
from her brother will help."
She'd come home
and be like, "I'm freaking out."
And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,
full extension, elbow lock,
ass out,
and then be like, "Don't do meth."
And then I just back away full extension.
Never did she come home shaking
and her jaw moving all over,
and I was like,
"Come here. This will help."
That's insane.
Everyone can relax. That ends
the question portion for the front row.
I want to be clear. I don't want
you guys like, "What's next?"
I was on an escalator one time
and I was going down the escalator,
there was an up escalator next to it.
So those people were coming towards me.
I saw a dad and this little kid
on the escalator.
Little boy was about five years old.
And I heard him go, "Daddy,
how do they make escalators?"
And the dad said,
"At a factory."
And that was it.
When they got next to me,
I looked at the dad,
and go, "Thank you, professor."
What a lazy-ass answer that is.
Your son asked you for information
and you gave him zero.
That's like one step away from
not really understanding science,
so you just always go, "God made it."
That's a lazy-ass answer.
"Why is the sky blue?"
"It's the Lord's favorite color."
"Think about it, the sky is blue.
Water is blue."
"White people when they freeze are blue."
"Mama, what's lightning?"
"Well, that's the paparazzi
trying to take a picture of Jesus."
They're never gonna get...
"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling
with them angels right now."
Those are lazy answers.
And you're not helping anyone.
Your kids are gonna go to school,
full Waterboy.
"Well, my mama said..."
That's crazy.
No, I don't have the right to tell you
not to use God in your answers.
Of course, I don't know
what's going on either.
I would say, if you do it,
just do it correctly.
That's all anyone's asking. Right?
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Because God said, 'Let there be light.'
And there was."
"And then that light finally
reached the Earth's atmosphere,
it started bouncing off
gases and particles."
"And the light scattered."
"And the blue waves were the smallest,
so they went the furthest and the fastest
and they covered everything."
"And that's why the sky is blue."
"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color,
but for sure that first part."
It just... It seems so easy really,
when you think about it.
I am not religious.
I think that kinda bums my mom out
because she is.
She says, "How come you're not religious?"
I go, "I think
it's 'cause of religion, probably."
I don't know
if you've heard about it.
Please don't judge me for that.
I don't judge you for anything
you believe or don't believe.
I just can't... I don't have it in me.
I don't have that thing that you have.
And if you're a believer, I'm...
I'm jealous.
I wish I had that
because if you're wrong,
you're never gonna know.
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Dark.
That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.
'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read...
...it's gonna be hot.
Gonna want to do some crunches,
'cause I'm headed to
forever bikini season.
I'm not going to, of course,
make fun of all religions here tonight,
but I would like to quickly, if I could,
talk to you about Catholicism
for about 35 minutes.
You can see some people go,
"Ha-ha... Argh!"
That's okay. I understand it.
First of all, let me start by saying,
when I was younger,
I thought the biggest group of people
on Earth were Asians.
That's what I thought.
'Cause in sixth grade,
we had to fill out this map, right?
And we had to fill in the populations
of all the countries.
Then you add up all the populations
for all the Asian countries,
you're like,
"Holy shit, that's a lot of people."
And your teacher would go,
"Don't forget India."
And you're like, "What the fuck?"
"India's in Asia? Shut up!"
So you add that and you're like,
"That's a big group of people."
Now that I'm an adult,
I know that Asians are not
the biggest group of people on Earth.
I know the biggest group
of people on Earth are people that go,
"Well, I grew up Catholic
but I'm not anymore."
Those people are everywhere.
If you meet one, there's two behind him
and there's four behind them.
It's like the AIDS chart
from health class.
It just keeps going.
Let me say that I know
there are good Catholic people.
One of my best friends is Catholic,
so I talk to him sometimes.
I go, "Whey do you cheer
for such a dumb team?"
And he doesn't have an answer and so...
If you meet someone that says,
"I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."
You go, "How come?" They go...
Right? Not even words.
It's just guttural responses.
That kind of shit.
But I asked my buddy,
"Maybe we should write some letters."
He goes, "I'm not gonna write
to the Church and put my name on it."
I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."
"I'm saying let me write a letter
and put your name on it."
Doesn't have to be anything fancy.
Just let me start it off...
Something like, uh...
"We're sick of coming to this church,
because the leaders of it
are coming at this church."
What's the argument from Catholic people?
They go, "You know the Catholic Church
does good things too, right?"
"I understand that,
but none of them outweigh kid-touching,
so, next."
That is a silly argument.
"You know, Ethel made $240
at the bake sale."
"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep
without the lights on."
"So... what do we do?"
"The suggestion box isn't working."
"I'm assuming the children have tried,
'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"
"And we can't burn the churches down
because they made them
with big rocks and brick."
I mean, they third-little-pig'd
the shit out of us over there.
I went to a Catholic church
because I wanted to check it out.
I don't like making fun of stuff
unless I know what's going on.
So I went to a Catholic church
and there's old men everywhere.
Very old. The oldest of men.
Where you go, "Did you know Jesus?
'Cause you're old."
And they have Ichabod Crane bodies
and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.
And they have KKK hats
that don't go all the way down.
They sit right on top.
And there's a baby rattle
that appears to be on fire
and they're swinging that around
and shaking it.
If you were on mushrooms,
you'd be like, "Okay. All right."
But you're not on mushrooms.
You're at church.
So you start freaking out a little.
And that's when the music starts.
And that's when I go full panic.
Because, to me,
Catholic music sounds like it was written
with nutsacks in mouths.
Why did my lips not touch?
There were supposed to be lyrics,
but you can't talk around a ballbag.
That's Gregorian gargling.
What is happening at the church?
Get out of the bubble mobile
and help us, Pope!
I'm glad most of you are having fun.
I'm getting some looks of concern
for my soul.
I do understand that
and I appreciate it, actually.
But I've been making fun
of the Catholic Church on stage
for 22 years and look...
I'm fine.
Sometimes I golf in the rain
and I'll hold up a club and be like,
"Hit me, bitch!"
Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf,
but you get it.
I think here's what bothers me the most
about the Church,
is that it's leaking into
other parts of our lives.
I was at the airport one time
and I went to a Su...
I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee.
Let me try that again.
Jesus. Right?
I almost said Subway.
I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."
Go to a Subway at an airport,
fucking best of luck with your asshole.
Right? I mean...
"I was at the airport
and I went to a Subway
and then I cancelled
all my fucking travel plans."
"Because I will not shit
above 10,000 feet."
Well, shit, maybe that should be the joke.
I don't know.
"How was the show?"
"He looked confused but funny."
"It was weird."
The thing that bugs me is the Church
is moving into other parts of our lives.
I was at an airport one time
and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.
When I ordered the coffee,
the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,
and he was writing my name on the cup
but he was holding my cup
with his finger inside my cup.
Thank you.
And I said, "Yo, man,
can you get your finger out of my cup?"
He took it out
and goes, "Wasn't in there."
I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay,
I just want a new cup."
He goes, "No, it wasn't!"
And the lady behind me goes,
"I also saw it."
And I said, "Uh-oh."
Then he swore at both of us
and he got fired on the spot
and physically removed
from behind the counter
by the manager of Starbucks.
And I was just standing there like this,
"Ah, I don't know what's going on."
The manager came back and goes,
"Still want your coffee?"
I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."
"I don't need any caffeine.
I'm vibrating on the inside right now."
I go back to that Starbucks
every time I can
because I like
how the manager handled this business.
I've gone back several times,
and that guy's never been working there.
Then one time, I had a flight
on the other side of the airport,
so I went to that Starbucks,
and the guy was working there.
Just like the Catholic Church.
I think I'm a good dad.
I do not think I'm great
at comedy transitions.
But I do, I think I'm a good dad.
I think you only have to be better
than your dad, to be a good dad.
And that is a rule I made up
to make myself feel better.
Do any men in here
have a bad dad growing up?
Okay.
Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?
Had nothing to do with you?
- You have kids?
- Yeah.
- Do you have anything to do with them?
- Yes.
You're a fucking better dad, easy.
Good for you. Good dad alert.
Good dad alert.
My dad stole my identity
and ruined my credit
before I was out of high school.
That's what mine did.
All I had to do to be better than him
was not learn
my son's social security number.
And hate to brag, but I did it.
Took some shit.
I brought him to camp once
and this woman was like, "You don't know
your son's social security number?"
And I was like, "I'm a great father."
I didn't know he'd stolen my identity
and ruined my credit until...
I went to get my first car loan
and the man just laughed in my face.
And he goes, "I can't give you money."
"You owe a woman named Karen Ward
$15,000 in child support."
And I was like, "Well, that's crazy
'cause that's my mom."
I mean, I know she said we had
to start helping out around the house
but $15,000?
I also never hit my kids
when they were little.
I don't judge you if you do, by the way.
Matter of fact,
if we're out in a restaurant, eating,
and I'm at a table by myself,
and you're here with your kids,
they're crying,
I will encourage you to hit them.
I might even suggest balling up your fist,
so you only have to do it that one time.
Everybody knows you wake up
with a better attitude after a nap.
Oh, man,
some resistance in here.
Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.
Am I gonna think about it?
Every single day, yes.
That's how you don't do stuff.
You think about it up here.
You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid
in the fucking nose."
And then you go, "Shake if off, dude.
Don't do it. All right. Here we go."
That's how your day gets better.
My kids are 24 and 20,
and I know how I would murder them.
That's how far it has escalated
in my family.
It involves an ice house and an auger
and chains so the bodies sink.
When they're being assholes,
I'll just look at them
with a weird look on my face.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know. This motion."
"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."
My parents tossed us around a little.
Nothing therapy-worthy.
We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy
in my home.
It's like the roles were reversed
for my parents in the discipline.
When my sister and I were acting up,
my dad would come in
with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.
Like he was going to spank us with it.
And my sister and I'd be like,
"Nice try, nerd," and keep going.
But then my mom would hear us
disrespecting our dad
and she'd come in, loosening her belt,
and we would freeze immediately.
Right? 'Cause getting hit
with a wooden spoon does not hurt.
But getting fucked by your mom?
Guys...
We had no way of knowing
if that's where it was headed,
but we did not want to find out.
Spanking or rape, no, thank you.
I feel like this is a perfect opportunity
to tell you
my mom never had sex with me.
I had horrible credit.
I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.
And my 20-year-old
is at college right now.
She is a sophomore in Southern California.
Sure, sure.
I dropped her off her sophomore year
and freshman year,
and it was a lot easier
her sophomore year,
because she was a pretty big bitch to me
last summer.
I almost didn't stop the car this year.
I was just like, "Get out,"
through a crosswalk.
But freshman year, guys,
that was rough on me.
If you have young children,
stop loving them now.
It will be a lot easier on you
when they abandon you for "their life"
or whatever selfish bullshit
they're gonna tell you.
When I dropped her off...
She's my youngest.
So I had trouble dropping my son off.
I was a little choked up with him.
And then my daughter, she's the youngest,
and so, I had tears
the whole week I was at this thing.
And it was like,
I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.
I didn't want to embarrass her,
so I did what all good American dads do
with sadness.
I turned it into rage.
That's what we do
'cause that's how we're raised.
When you're young,
you can't be embarrassed or sad.
You get called a pussy.
But you punch a wall and everyone's like,
"There he is."
"There's the boy."
I was crying in my room when I was younger
and my dad came in and he said,
"I will give you something to cry about."
And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly
I already have something to cry about."
"I'm actively crying right now."
"I don't want yours. I have one."
"That would give me two and give you zero.
That's not fair."
"Plus, my name
is probably already on yours
because you stole my identity,
you son of a bitch."
Isn't it wild
we don't have a class in high school
to teach kids
how to deal with their emotions?
Or credit cards.
I mean, why don't we have those?
It's pretty amazing.
Instead, we send them into calculus.
When's the last time you used calculus?
I'm gonna say, for me, never.
When's the last time
you had to deal with emotions?
A lot of you
during that Catholic bit, I know.
I saw that.
I saw that on your faces, for sure.
But they don't have a class for it.
They send us to Home Ec
to make a pillow so we have something
to scream into at night.
It's crazy.
And what's wild is
we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids
how to deal with emotions
with story problems in Math.
But that's not what we used them for.
What did we use them for? European travel?
"If a train is leaving Paris, France,
at midnight, going 185km/hr,
when is it going to get to London?"
"Hey, man,
there is a schedule on the wall."
"We don't have to do this math.
That's included in the ticket price."
What we should have been
using story problems for is this.
"Matt has five apples."
"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."
"And then Julie turned and gave Ben
all four of those apples
and kissed Ben right on the mouth."
"Then she turned back, looked at Matt
and laughed in his face."
"How many therapy sessions..."
"...is it going to take for Matt to realize
that Julie's actions
are not a reflection of his character,
but of hers?"
"So he doesn't shoot up a school
or call her a whore."
Now there's a lot going on in that one,
so you have to check the back of the book
for the answer.
And it just says, "Well into his forties."
Oh, my God. Am I Matt?
I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe I wrote a joke about myself
and changed the names.
It doesn't matter.
They don't teach us
how to deal with emotions in school.
There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.
I'm in the rental car.
I'm going back to the airport.
I'm at a red light
and there's one car in front of me.
I can feel the tears come again
and I go, "You can't cry now.
You've gotta drop this goddamn car off."
So I turn it into rage
and I try to punch
the horn of the rental car
through the steering column.
I hit it
with every single thing I had in my body
and it went, "Meep."
Dude, I went through the roof.
I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."
Thinking if I hit it correctly once,
it would go...
No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Finally, the guy in front of me
rolls his window down, is like,
"Did I do something?!"
And I was like,
"I'm going home to an empty house!"
Then I saw him look both ways,
and run a red light.
Which is absolutely what you need to do
when there is a psychopath behind you.
You don't ask another question.
You get somewhere safe.
I'll tell you that I did have some fun
when I was dropping my daughter off.
She was on a tour with other students.
I went to the registration table and said,
"I gotta get my daughter signed up."
They go, "What's her name?"
I said, "Olivia."
"What's her major?" "She's undecided."
And the woman said... "No!"
"No. No. No."
"She's an exploratory major."
"We don't say 'undecided' here."
"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."
That's what she did.
And then she said some other stuff
for five minutes
and I didn't hear any of that.
Because I was in the middle
of a frustration blackout.
Then she said,
"Thank you for coming to orientation."
And I said... "No! No, no, no."
"Asia-tation."
"We do not say 'Orient' here."
"As-ia-ta-tion."
That is the last time I moonwalked away
from another human being.
- I did. I did it all.
- Eh-he! All of it.
My favorite part of dropping her off
is when she met her roommates.
They're from Southern California.
She grew up in Northern Minnesota
and still has her accent.
So it was like two different languages.
She was like,
"Can you guys grab me my bayg?"
"My bayg has my clothes.
It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."
And her roommates are like,
"Grab your whaaaat?
It was like a confused teapot.
And my daughter was like,
"Just grab my bayg."
One of her roommates goes,
"I think you mean bahg."
And I was like,
"I don't think that's right either."
No one's ever got into trouble
for calling a guy a "fog."
Huh?
I mean, that's just condensation.
That doesn't even make sense.
"Mama, what's condensation?"
"Well, that's the Lord's breath
on a window."
I visited my daughter
five times last year, and the fifth time...
So she has a roommate, and her mom
was there every time I got there. Right?
So the fifth time I went, the mom goes,
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"
She goes, "Do you think
you're here too much?"
And I said, "I think you're here
every single time I'm here."
"Are we here too much, do you think?"
And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."
Yeah. And I was like,
"I don't think you can say that."
You can't dad-shame me.
I will cancel you, bitch.
She goes, "I'm just worried
you're smothering your daughter."
I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her
from visiting her at college,
she's in big trouble when I die."
"Because in my will it says
I'm to be cremated,
and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue
so they can be used
at my grandchildren's gender reveal."
That's actually in my will.
I love a good party
and I don't want to miss it.
"What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be?"
"Grandpa!"
Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home.
So I did.
And I didn't know exactly how sad I was
until I got all the way back here
to Minnesota
and I went to my home to no one
and I ate a pizza without cutting it.
I mean, think about how pathetic that is.
By the way,
I had a pizza cutter in my hand.
And I yelled to an empty house,
"Well, no one else is here
to have a piece."
Then I folded the pizza
and I grabbed it from the top
and I ate it from the bottom...
...like a parasite
on the belly of a wild animal.
I will tell you when you fold a pizza,
grease will pour out one side
and it will stain your pants.
I'm also gonna let you know
I wasn't wearing pants.
I told you, I was sad.
So there I was in my kitchen,
in my panties...
eating an Italian taco...
with a grease burn on my inner thigh
that I now tell people is a birthmark
because that's kind of
an embarrassing story.
It was in that moment I had the thought
I'm gonna hate being an empty nester
more than anything I've ever done
in my entire life.
And then a week later,
for the first time in 23 years,
23 years,
I got a blowjob in my own house.
And I thought, "You know what?"
"We're gonna figure this out."
My daughter Facetimed me,
"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."
I was like, "I don't know."
"Why don't you stay there?
Get to know your roommates."
"Really enjoy the college exp... Oh!"
Oh!
She was like, "What's wrong?"
Didn't have the heart to tell her...
"Not all your friends went to college."
Some of those boys didn't have the grades.
This reaction is incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. Kill him."
"It's fine. It's a boy."
What a weird reaction.
First of all,
it's neither of those groups.
It's a fully-cooked adult woman.
So everyone calm down.
Here's what happened. Well, not...
Never mind. Not that.
You guys are like,
"All right. I'm listening."
Not that part. Let me start over here.
I didn't date in my daughter's
senior year of high school.
I didn't wanna choose between
her last events
and then getting to know someone.
I didn't think
anyone would get my full attention.
I didn't think that was fair.
So I took a year off of dating
and I learned something very important
about myself.
I learned that I could die alone
and be okay with that.
That is very good information
to have about yourself.
It is a horrible attitude to have
in a new relationship.
There was a woman in my house once
after this.
She's like, "I don't like this movie."
I go, "I could die alone and go home."
You got to figure out
how to turn that shit down a bit.
Then I went on my first date
with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.
Here's what happened. She's allergic
to everything and that sucks.
I mean everything.
Like, "Does your water have hydrogen?
It has two? I can't have that."
It was like that kind of stuff.
So I'm like, "I'm not gonna
be able to do this. For sure."
At the end of dinner,
she said something really compelling.
She said, "Peanuts can kill me."
"Dairy makes me shit my pants."
And I thought, "Oh, my God.
Am I falling in love right now?"
Turns out I was. Because I think
that's a very funny thing to say.
It's also great information to have
at the beginning of a relationship.
Because now I know
if she accidentally has dairy,
I can just give her a peanut
to stop the madness.
Yeah, you're damn right.
I told you I can die alone. I said that.
I never said I could sit next to somebody
while they shit their pants in public.
Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been
my favorite food since I was a little boy.
Now I can't have it
'cause I'm in this relationship,
and Kelsey goes,
"Well, why don't you try almond butter?"
I was like, "I don't know.
Why don't you fuck you?"
Have you ever had almond butter?
It sucks so hard!
It's like Christmas
with just church and no presents.
Imagine that.
How do they make almond butter?
They have little kids chew up almonds
and spit them into a jar.
It's... There's... It's so gross!
So I finally broke.
We moved in together.
I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.
She said, "What's that?"
I said, "You know what that is."
She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"
I said, "I'm gonna eat this
when you're not here."
She said, "What if I eat it?"
"Don't."
I dunno what to say.
"I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."
"Don't open this cupboard.
This is the cupboard of death."
"This is where I'm gonna put
the peanut butter and my throwing stars."
"Don't open this. You could get hurt."
She said, "I cannot believe
you brought something in this house
that I am allergic to."
I go, "How are your two cats doing
that kill me slowly every day?"
"What's going on with them?"
"Been fed yet and barfed it up
somewhere on the carpet?"
I said, "About this peanut butter,
you're never gonna wake up
with it on your head."
Have you ever met a cat?
They're autistic.
They're full spectrum.
They go, "He's allergic to me?
Well, I'm gonna love him the most."
It's insane.
They sleep on my head
and then I snore because of it
and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."
"You're mouth-breathing."
"Can you wake up? Honey?"
"You're mouth-breathing.
It's bothering me."
"Can you wake up?"
I'm like, "Huh? What?
Who's mouth-breathing?"
"I'm mouth-breathing?"
"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat
on my head..."
"...whose dander is cascading down
into my breathing holes?"
"So even though I'm in a dream,
I'm physically in fight or flight,
and my face has to open
the biggest hole on it
to let the most amount of oxygen in
so I can remain
a card-carrying member of the alive?"
"I'm mouth-breathing? No shit, honey!"
"Tell me more."
I said she'd never end up with peanut
butter in her hair when she's sleeping
but I'm gonna get drunk and do it.
I know it.
I know I am. I'm gonna slather it
in her hair and just be like,
"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"
"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"You're bugging me or whatever you said
because we're equals!"
"Wake up!"
"Wake up."
"Oh, fuck! Wake up!"
I'm pretty sure
peanuts are different than cats.
So I'm gonna want to be careful
about that one.
We did move in together pretty quickly.
Because of that, people are like,
"You gonna have kids?"
I will tell every single person
that I have a vasectomy
and there's always
one person in the group that goes,
"You know
you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"
I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk
from Alaska to Argentina, right?"
"But that's hard and you won't do it,
so why don't you shut your mouth?"
This is a vasectomy.
I had a surgery for this.
I went in on purpose.
This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo
that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,
that I'm later going to regret
in my late thirties,
and cover it up with flowers
when my grandma dies.
This is a vasectomy.
I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,
and now need to back out.
I went into a cold operating room
with a bare nutsack,
per their request,
and they sliced it open,
and they pulled a tube out
and they snipped it,
and they burned both sides of the tube,
so now my sperm runs into that
and they die right there.
And then they're absorbed
back into my body.
And I don't know what that means.
They told me that
and then had me leave the hospital.
I have no idea what that means.
Sometimes I will not have eaten
for a couple of hours and I'll burp
and I'll be like, "Was that it?"
I don't know.
I don't know where they are.
I'm like a haunted house.
Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.
I have ringing in my ears
and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets
in the sperm graveyard.
I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy
'cause I don't know what'd happen.
I don't know how that works.
I've only reversed one thing in my life
and it was electricity.
In college, we got our lights shut off
'cause we didn't pay the bill.
We paid the bill,
they turned our lights back on,
but then our lights flickered
for three days.
I don't want a flickery sperm-shooter.
I don't need my sperm coming out sideways
and just denting the egg.
Then one finally gets in,
I have a kid come out like...
Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"
"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd
his ballbag back together."
"Now we can't go to restaurants
because I fuck up meals."
I'm not doing that.
I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,
and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."
"My period hasn't been...
I'm two weeks late."
"I feel like my breasts are tender
and I feel a little chubbier than normal."
"Do you think I'm pregnant?"
And I was like, "I don't."
"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."
"If you're pregnant,
we're about to have the creepiest kid..."
"...of all time,
if he made it through that."
He's gonna be able to
walk through his crib like, "Hello."
"Mother, Father."
We won't be able to get a babysitter
to come back more than one time.
She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens
and get a pregnancy test."
I was like, "Sure. You should also
get a paternity test when you're there."
That's not my kid.
Pregnancy tests and paternity tests
should come in a two-pack
like DayQuil and NyQuil.
Just shrink-wrapped together.
Kelsey asked me when we started dating,
"Do you want kids?"
I said, "I have kids."
She said, "What if I want kids?"
I said, "Then you should have
brought some kids."
I can't have a baby now!
I told you my youngest is 20 years old.
If I had a baby right now,
that would be like my last day of prison,
going into the yard and stabbing somebody.
Just be like, "Well, here we go again."
"One more life sentence."
"I guess I'll get one more degree
I'll never be able to use."
I can't have a kid right now.
My son is getting married in 12 days.
He's 24.
Yeah, sure. Yes.
If you guys wanna waste your energy
clapping at mistakes, be my guest.
No, I love his wife-to-be very much.
I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23,
he got engaged and I go,
"Think you're too young to get engaged?"
He goes, "You think
you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"
I'm like, "We will see you
at the wedding, my man."
He's getting married in 12 days.
I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.
I'm certainly not gonna be
one of those creepy families
where the parents have a kid
as old as the oldest kid's kid.
You ever seen them walking around?
Like, "Who's your buddy?"
"This is my uncle."
"Why don't you go back into the corn?
You're freaking everybody out."
Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had
a son and grandson the same age.
Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad
but I'm gonna
spoil the hell out of my grandkids.
If they're the same age,
it doesn't make sense.
"Son, go rake the lawn.
Grandson, go jump in the leaves."
"You get in there. Now kick 'em around.
It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."
"Yes, you will."
"I have your phone for a month already.
Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."
When Kelsey and I started dating,
she put glasses on.
She goes, "Are you surprised
I have glasses?" I said, "No."
"With your weak-ass genetics?"
"A nut can kill you.
You thought I thought you could see far?"
"No!"
And that's also why
I'm not gonna put a baby into her.
That's not fair.
Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.
All their parts work,
their genetics are spot-on.
And I know it sounds like
I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.
Right?
My children
will never be beaten.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying they're good.
I got good ones.
So I don't think it's fair for me
to put perfect vision
and straight teeth without braces
into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."
Plus, you know I'm the one that's
gonna have to take care of that kid.
I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating
with a purple pumpkin
because he can't have peanuts.
She can't bring him out
when there's pollen in the air,
it will kill her.
People are like, "Why does
your son have a purple pumpkin?"
"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."
"Never had to deal with this before."
"I just know his mom's family tree
is a weeping willow."
"I was sent along with him
to let you know you can only give him
licorice or he will die."
"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his
nephew and I don't want to talk about it."
You know what's awesome
about this night to me?
Is that, I bet you, there are people here
on the left of the political spectrum
and, I bet you,
there are people on the right
and no one's fist-fighting
and we're all laughing
at the same stupid story.
I think that's great.
Selfishly, I am very happy about that
'cause five years ago I thought
I was going to have to write
different acts for two different groups.
I thought I was gonna have to go
to Planned Parenthood,
and tell some jokes for the Dems,
and then run across town to the VFW,
and do some jokes for the Repubs.
I mean, I did.
But here we are.
This is a lot better for me.
There's still some buttfuckery
on the edges.
I think there always will be.
That's how it works, right?
Here's what I've said
since the beginning of my career,
I'm on the left,
the line's right by my foot.
That's where I stand.
It seems like I'm going this way
because they're going that way.
But I'm just standing here.
And so sometimes I get yelled at
from my own team.
One time I was like,
"Oh, that homeless guy."
And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"
I was like, "I don't think that's right."
"Unhoused"? That sounds
like a word you'd make up
because you can't
get something to rhyme in a poem.
She goes,
"Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"
I said, "I don't."
Because it's gonna be
something else next week.
The far left
update more than Apple products.
Problem with the far right,
they haven't updated one time ever.
That's why there's such a disconnect
on the two sides.
I got people saying "unhoused" over here,
and I have people over here going,
"I can't call that person a boy
because it says they're a girl
on their birth certificate,
and I always go by the birth certificate.
If it says girl on your birth certificate,
that's what I'm gonna call you."
Like, "Whatever, Robert."
"Call me Bob."
"Sorry, Robert, your rules."
Sometimes they're like,
"What do you think
about gay couples having kids?"
"I don't."
I'm not a gay couple or a kid.
And no one has asked me to help.
I only help when I'm asked.
Did you hear that, white ladies?
Say it with me.
Say it...
I only help when I am asked.
Sometimes people wanna know
about gay couples raising kids.
They go, "What would happen
if two women raised a boy?"
"What would that boy end up like?"
"I don't know. He'd probably be
great at planning surprise parties
and ruining them."
"Just a little something
from each parent."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"What do you think about that guy
that became a girl
to win those college swimming events?"
"I will tell you what I think about that."
"I didn't know
there was college swimming."
I didn't.
I thought you went from the YMCA
to the Olympics. That was it.
So that person has done more for me
and my knowledge of college swimming
than anyone.
I hope they got that laugh.
That sounds like
a goddamn boomerang coming around.
I love it.
I'm not making fun of it. I love it.
Now I'm gonna say something that
could get me kicked out of the country.
I would like you to bear with me.
Both sides, hear me out.
What if...
What if...
we all minded our own business?
I know it seems simple
but it seems like we can't do it, right?
I told you I'm on the left,
the line is right by my foot.
I shot a gun two months ago
and I want to do it every single day now.
I bet every single person in here
is against gun violence, of course.
I don't need a gun that goes...
Not that many. I don't need that.
I want one that goes, "Bang!"
Then you have to hurry
and fucking reload or you get shot.
That's what I want.
I want to get good at shooting
the one person I want to shoot.
That doesn't seem that hard.
I think if you want a gun, you should
be able to have one of those bang guns.
I think you should have to follow
a couple of rules,
but once you do,
everybody has to leave you alone.
I think those rules should be,
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
You're not gonna
wave it in anybody's face.
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
If you follow those rules,
everybody has to mind their own business.
Same on the other side, right?
If you were born a female
and that's never made sense
with how you think,
or how you feel emotionally,
you should get to have
a penis on your body, if you want one.
There should be rules
and if you follow them,
everyone should have to shut up.
Those rules should be,
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
You're not gonna wave it
in anybody's face.
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
It's so easy if we let it be.
I'll tell you one more story.
I was in Sacramento...
This is another one
where I don't know how to do transitions.
I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,
so I couldn't go anywhere for four days
and I was in a hotel room.
On the last day I was there,
I started watching
the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.
I was watching that game,
and then there was a knock at my door.
And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.
I was very lonely.
So normally when someone knocks
on my hotel room door,
I Mission Impossible-shimmy
and listen to figure out who's out there.
Not this time. I was like,
"It's company. Hey!"
It was two armed security guards,
with their hands already on their guns.
They were positioned like this,
and their flippy thing
was already flipped up.
So all they had to do is that
with their gun.
Now I was holding the door like this,
you couldn't see my hand.
That's how you open a hotel room door.
They kept looking at my hand weird,
so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"
He goes, "Let go of the door."
I said, "I can't. It'll shut
and bullets go through doors."
He goes, "Better figure it out."
I said, "Can I move my hand?"
And the guy goes, "Go for it."
Well, no.
I'm not playing that game, High Noon.
So I put my foot down to block the door
and I magician'd my hand out like this.
Just trying to get 'em to smile.
I even made all the noises.
I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"
He goes, "What are you doing?"
I go, "What are you doing?"
He goes, "We have
a domestic disturbance complaint
about this room."
And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."
"I've been here all by myself
for four days."
"Don't believe me? Come in here
and try to bend this sock."
Right? I mean...
I'm just trying to get 'em to smile.
They have guns.
And so they don't even smirk,
they go, "We have to come in,
make sure no one is in there."
I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."
I get out of the way.
One guy passes me.
The other guy comes
like he's gonna pass me,
and he stops right by me.
He looks at me and goes,
"And we're not touching the sock."
I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock.
Relax, that was a joke."
So we get in there,
and he goes, "Open the closet."
I open it and the guy goes,
"Do it slower."
What kind of dirty tape are we making?
Why would he want me to do it slower
and then I thought, "Do they really think
I'm a magician because of this shit?"
They think there was someone in there,
I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"
Ridiculous.
They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom."
I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."
They go, "Open the shower curtain."
I start to slide it but I go,
"How slow you want me to open this one?"
"Oh-ho, you like that, daddies?"
He goes, "Knock it off."
I go, "You knock it off. You have guns."
I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."
He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway
that heard something."
I go, "I have an idea.
How about we go talk to them?"
So we go out in the hallway
and there is a woman standing there.
She says, "I was walking by this room,
and I'm positive it was this room,
and I heard a man yell,
'Get on the ground, bitch.'"
I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not
something that I would ever... Oh, no."
I go, "Is it possible
you heard a man yell,
'Get him on the ground, you big bitch!'
because I did yell that
at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."
"I did."
"I have the under
and they are running all over us today."
She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"
I go, "Oh, my God.
You invited people with guns."
I go, "Can I go in my room?"
They go, "Go ahead."
So I shut the door
and I locked the deadbolt,
but I snapped the deadbolt
as hard as I could
and it echoed in the hallway.
And as soon as it got quiet,
I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"
You guys were absolutely incredible!
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Thank you. Jesus Christ.
Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.
Chad Daniels!
Well, hello!
This is crazy.
Hi. Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.
You keep clapping,
I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.
That was wild.
This is fucking crazy, man.
I've lived in Minnesota my whole life
and now we're at the capital,
and I'm filming this goldarn thing.
So it's a pretty good deal.
I've lived here my whole life
and I've noticed
that Minnesota and New York
are the only two places
where you can tell someone
you're from there,
and someone will say your accent
back to you right away.
You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."
"Oh! Minnesota!"
"Brr, brr."
Or "I'm from New York."
"Hey, New York!
I'm walking here!"
You don't get that other places.
Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."
"Oh, I'm from Cleveland.
I see my kids every other weekend."
Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."
"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."
"I only quote the Bible
when it fits what I'm talking about."
I was in New York one time
and I was trying to cross a crosswalk
and I couldn't
'cause there were people in front of me
and puddles on both sides of me.
I go to one of the guys and I go,
"Can we cross the street?"
He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand
that says we can't cross."
I said, "That's a suggestion.
We're adults. So let's figure it out."
- And then from behind me, a woman goes...
- "Fucking go."
Like that.
I thought Batman was behind me.
That's no kidding.
So without even looking, I go,
"You're the captain of our team."
I go, "You gotta come up here."
I heard shuffling,
so I turned around and I looked,
and she was on crutches.
Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.
She was on, like, the grippies
with the Wonder Woman bracelets.
She was on those. Like, forever crutches.
You know? She didn't sprain an ankle,
her mom drank when she was pregnant.
Okay. I've got some shaking heads
and some shaking shoulders.
Whatever, I don't care.
I'll take either one.
We finally get to the front,
it's her and I.
I go, "What do you think, Captain?"
She goes, "Assess the situation."
All right. So we got
a one-way street going this way.
There's a car coming
but it's three blocks away that way.
She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"
And I said, "I think
you and I have different answers."
Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,
and took off like a hermit crab
across the street.
It is the fastest I've ever seen
a human being move in my life.
Like MC Hammer times 10,000.
Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a
all the way across the thing.
The only way it could've been better
is if she had ducked into a hole
at the end of it.
"God damn, crab lady."
"You just made somebody's Wednesday."
I don't know if I necessarily want
to talk about this next thing,
but I feel like I need to.
I saw a grown man
kiss his own sister on the lips.
It's true. At a restaurant.
It was with my children.
By the way, I've never kissed them
on the lips, I don't think.
Maybe when they were babies.
It wasn't to kiss them,
it was more to steal their essence.
You ever feel old around a kid
and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?
So we're eating, and a man walks in,
and he goes, "Sister!"
And then from across the restaurant,
a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"
Then they started
walking towards each other,
with what now I can confirm was passion.
Then they kissed on the lips.
And my kids and I pushed our meals
to the middle of the table.
Because they were raised correctly
and we don't eat till we figure shit out.
There is a mystery in this restaurant,
and we must solve it.
I said to my kids,
"What do you think is going on?"
My son goes, "I don't know what's going on
but I do know you don't start
kissing your sister when you're an adult."
I'm like, "All right. We got some traction
to solve this thing. Let's go."
I asked my daughter, "What would you do
if your brother kissed you?"
She said, "I'd kill him."
Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."
I wanna be clear
that I know suicide is not funny
but I was beaming with pride as a father.
And a little confused
that there's Japanese blood
in my family lineage.
That's an honorable people.
If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.
It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy
kiss his own sister on the lips,
next move
is walking right into that forest.
May I ask you a question? Yeah.
- Do you have a brother?
- No.
- You don't. Do you?
- Yeah.
What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
That's way too long. That's way too long.
Oh, my God.
What are you thinking about?
You're like, "I guess I don't know."
I'm teasing.
What do you think you'd do though?
I don't know.
You wouldn't do anything?
You'd let him kiss you?
The answer you're looking for,
the word, is murder.
I just tried to help you
with my daughter's answer.
Wouldn't do anything.
- You have a brother?
- I do.
What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
We have different moms, so...
You have different moms, so...?
If you didn't hear, she said,
"We have different moms, so..."
And I'd like to guess the next word.
Is it "fuck"?
See? That could have been you.
Got to come to these things ready.
Well, it's just so strange to me,
'cause I have a sister,
and she's one of my favorite people
on Earth,
and I've never even kissed her
on the cheek.
And I love her to death.
I should have, probably.
She's been through some tough shit.
My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,
and not one day did I think,
"Maybe a kiss on the cheek
from her brother will help."
She'd come home
and be like, "I'm freaking out."
And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,
full extension, elbow lock,
ass out,
and then be like, "Don't do meth."
And then I just back away full extension.
Never did she come home shaking
and her jaw moving all over,
and I was like,
"Come here. This will help."
That's insane.
Everyone can relax. That ends
the question portion for the front row.
I want to be clear. I don't want
you guys like, "What's next?"
I was on an escalator one time
and I was going down the escalator,
there was an up escalator next to it.
So those people were coming towards me.
I saw a dad and this little kid
on the escalator.
Little boy was about five years old.
And I heard him go, "Daddy,
how do they make escalators?"
And the dad said,
"At a factory."
And that was it.
When they got next to me,
I looked at the dad,
and go, "Thank you, professor."
What a lazy-ass answer that is.
Your son asked you for information
and you gave him zero.
That's like one step away from
not really understanding science,
so you just always go, "God made it."
That's a lazy-ass answer.
"Why is the sky blue?"
"It's the Lord's favorite color."
"Think about it, the sky is blue.
Water is blue."
"White people when they freeze are blue."
"Mama, what's lightning?"
"Well, that's the paparazzi
trying to take a picture of Jesus."
They're never gonna get...
"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling
with them angels right now."
Those are lazy answers.
And you're not helping anyone.
Your kids are gonna go to school,
full Waterboy.
"Well, my mama said..."
That's crazy.
No, I don't have the right to tell you
not to use God in your answers.
Of course, I don't know
what's going on either.
I would say, if you do it,
just do it correctly.
That's all anyone's asking. Right?
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Because God said, 'Let there be light.'
And there was."
"And then that light finally
reached the Earth's atmosphere,
it started bouncing off
gases and particles."
"And the light scattered."
"And the blue waves were the smallest,
so they went the furthest and the fastest
and they covered everything."
"And that's why the sky is blue."
"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color,
but for sure that first part."
It just... It seems so easy really,
when you think about it.
I am not religious.
I think that kinda bums my mom out
because she is.
She says, "How come you're not religious?"
I go, "I think
it's 'cause of religion, probably."
I don't know
if you've heard about it.
Please don't judge me for that.
I don't judge you for anything
you believe or don't believe.
I just can't... I don't have it in me.
I don't have that thing that you have.
And if you're a believer, I'm...
I'm jealous.
I wish I had that
because if you're wrong,
you're never gonna know.
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Going to heaven
Dark.
That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.
'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read...
...it's gonna be hot.
Gonna want to do some crunches,
'cause I'm headed to
forever bikini season.
I'm not going to, of course,
make fun of all religions here tonight,
but I would like to quickly, if I could,
talk to you about Catholicism
for about 35 minutes.
You can see some people go,
"Ha-ha... Argh!"
That's okay. I understand it.
First of all, let me start by saying,
when I was younger,
I thought the biggest group of people
on Earth were Asians.
That's what I thought.
'Cause in sixth grade,
we had to fill out this map, right?
And we had to fill in the populations
of all the countries.
Then you add up all the populations
for all the Asian countries,
you're like,
"Holy shit, that's a lot of people."
And your teacher would go,
"Don't forget India."
And you're like, "What the fuck?"
"India's in Asia? Shut up!"
So you add that and you're like,
"That's a big group of people."
Now that I'm an adult,
I know that Asians are not
the biggest group of people on Earth.
I know the biggest group
of people on Earth are people that go,
"Well, I grew up Catholic
but I'm not anymore."
Those people are everywhere.
If you meet one, there's two behind him
and there's four behind them.
It's like the AIDS chart
from health class.
It just keeps going.
Let me say that I know
there are good Catholic people.
One of my best friends is Catholic,
so I talk to him sometimes.
I go, "Whey do you cheer
for such a dumb team?"
And he doesn't have an answer and so...
If you meet someone that says,
"I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."
You go, "How come?" They go...
Right? Not even words.
It's just guttural responses.
That kind of shit.
But I asked my buddy,
"Maybe we should write some letters."
He goes, "I'm not gonna write
to the Church and put my name on it."
I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."
"I'm saying let me write a letter
and put your name on it."
Doesn't have to be anything fancy.
Just let me start it off...
Something like, uh...
"We're sick of coming to this church,
because the leaders of it
are coming at this church."
What's the argument from Catholic people?
They go, "You know the Catholic Church
does good things too, right?"
"I understand that,
but none of them outweigh kid-touching,
so, next."
That is a silly argument.
"You know, Ethel made $240
at the bake sale."
"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep
without the lights on."
"So... what do we do?"
"The suggestion box isn't working."
"I'm assuming the children have tried,
'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"
"And we can't burn the churches down
because they made them
with big rocks and brick."
I mean, they third-little-pig'd
the shit out of us over there.
I went to a Catholic church
because I wanted to check it out.
I don't like making fun of stuff
unless I know what's going on.
So I went to a Catholic church
and there's old men everywhere.
Very old. The oldest of men.
Where you go, "Did you know Jesus?
'Cause you're old."
And they have Ichabod Crane bodies
and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.
And they have KKK hats
that don't go all the way down.
They sit right on top.
And there's a baby rattle
that appears to be on fire
and they're swinging that around
and shaking it.
If you were on mushrooms,
you'd be like, "Okay. All right."
But you're not on mushrooms.
You're at church.
So you start freaking out a little.
And that's when the music starts.
And that's when I go full panic.
Because, to me,
Catholic music sounds like it was written
with nutsacks in mouths.
Why did my lips not touch?
There were supposed to be lyrics,
but you can't talk around a ballbag.
That's Gregorian gargling.
What is happening at the church?
Get out of the bubble mobile
and help us, Pope!
I'm glad most of you are having fun.
I'm getting some looks of concern
for my soul.
I do understand that
and I appreciate it, actually.
But I've been making fun
of the Catholic Church on stage
for 22 years and look...
I'm fine.
Sometimes I golf in the rain
and I'll hold up a club and be like,
"Hit me, bitch!"
Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf,
but you get it.
I think here's what bothers me the most
about the Church,
is that it's leaking into
other parts of our lives.
I was at the airport one time
and I went to a Su...
I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee.
Let me try that again.
Jesus. Right?
I almost said Subway.
I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."
Go to a Subway at an airport,
fucking best of luck with your asshole.
Right? I mean...
"I was at the airport
and I went to a Subway
and then I cancelled
all my fucking travel plans."
"Because I will not shit
above 10,000 feet."
Well, shit, maybe that should be the joke.
I don't know.
"How was the show?"
"He looked confused but funny."
"It was weird."
The thing that bugs me is the Church
is moving into other parts of our lives.
I was at an airport one time
and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.
When I ordered the coffee,
the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,
and he was writing my name on the cup
but he was holding my cup
with his finger inside my cup.
Thank you.
And I said, "Yo, man,
can you get your finger out of my cup?"
He took it out
and goes, "Wasn't in there."
I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay,
I just want a new cup."
He goes, "No, it wasn't!"
And the lady behind me goes,
"I also saw it."
And I said, "Uh-oh."
Then he swore at both of us
and he got fired on the spot
and physically removed
from behind the counter
by the manager of Starbucks.
And I was just standing there like this,
"Ah, I don't know what's going on."
The manager came back and goes,
"Still want your coffee?"
I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."
"I don't need any caffeine.
I'm vibrating on the inside right now."
I go back to that Starbucks
every time I can
because I like
how the manager handled this business.
I've gone back several times,
and that guy's never been working there.
Then one time, I had a flight
on the other side of the airport,
so I went to that Starbucks,
and the guy was working there.
Just like the Catholic Church.
I think I'm a good dad.
I do not think I'm great
at comedy transitions.
But I do, I think I'm a good dad.
I think you only have to be better
than your dad, to be a good dad.
And that is a rule I made up
to make myself feel better.
Do any men in here
have a bad dad growing up?
Okay.
Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?
Had nothing to do with you?
- You have kids?
- Yeah.
- Do you have anything to do with them?
- Yes.
You're a fucking better dad, easy.
Good for you. Good dad alert.
Good dad alert.
My dad stole my identity
and ruined my credit
before I was out of high school.
That's what mine did.
All I had to do to be better than him
was not learn
my son's social security number.
And hate to brag, but I did it.
Took some shit.
I brought him to camp once
and this woman was like, "You don't know
your son's social security number?"
And I was like, "I'm a great father."
I didn't know he'd stolen my identity
and ruined my credit until...
I went to get my first car loan
and the man just laughed in my face.
And he goes, "I can't give you money."
"You owe a woman named Karen Ward
$15,000 in child support."
And I was like, "Well, that's crazy
'cause that's my mom."
I mean, I know she said we had
to start helping out around the house
but $15,000?
I also never hit my kids
when they were little.
I don't judge you if you do, by the way.
Matter of fact,
if we're out in a restaurant, eating,
and I'm at a table by myself,
and you're here with your kids,
they're crying,
I will encourage you to hit them.
I might even suggest balling up your fist,
so you only have to do it that one time.
Everybody knows you wake up
with a better attitude after a nap.
Oh, man,
some resistance in here.
Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.
Am I gonna think about it?
Every single day, yes.
That's how you don't do stuff.
You think about it up here.
You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid
in the fucking nose."
And then you go, "Shake if off, dude.
Don't do it. All right. Here we go."
That's how your day gets better.
My kids are 24 and 20,
and I know how I would murder them.
That's how far it has escalated
in my family.
It involves an ice house and an auger
and chains so the bodies sink.
When they're being assholes,
I'll just look at them
with a weird look on my face.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know. This motion."
"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."
My parents tossed us around a little.
Nothing therapy-worthy.
We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy
in my home.
It's like the roles were reversed
for my parents in the discipline.
When my sister and I were acting up,
my dad would come in
with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.
Like he was going to spank us with it.
And my sister and I'd be like,
"Nice try, nerd," and keep going.
But then my mom would hear us
disrespecting our dad
and she'd come in, loosening her belt,
and we would freeze immediately.
Right? 'Cause getting hit
with a wooden spoon does not hurt.
But getting fucked by your mom?
Guys...
We had no way of knowing
if that's where it was headed,
but we did not want to find out.
Spanking or rape, no, thank you.
I feel like this is a perfect opportunity
to tell you
my mom never had sex with me.
I had horrible credit.
I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.
And my 20-year-old
is at college right now.
She is a sophomore in Southern California.
Sure, sure.
I dropped her off her sophomore year
and freshman year,
and it was a lot easier
her sophomore year,
because she was a pretty big bitch to me
last summer.
I almost didn't stop the car this year.
I was just like, "Get out,"
through a crosswalk.
But freshman year, guys,
that was rough on me.
If you have young children,
stop loving them now.
It will be a lot easier on you
when they abandon you for "their life"
or whatever selfish bullshit
they're gonna tell you.
When I dropped her off...
She's my youngest.
So I had trouble dropping my son off.
I was a little choked up with him.
And then my daughter, she's the youngest,
and so, I had tears
the whole week I was at this thing.
And it was like,
I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.
I didn't want to embarrass her,
so I did what all good American dads do
with sadness.
I turned it into rage.
That's what we do
'cause that's how we're raised.
When you're young,
you can't be embarrassed or sad.
You get called a pussy.
But you punch a wall and everyone's like,
"There he is."
"There's the boy."
I was crying in my room when I was younger
and my dad came in and he said,
"I will give you something to cry about."
And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly
I already have something to cry about."
"I'm actively crying right now."
"I don't want yours. I have one."
"That would give me two and give you zero.
That's not fair."
"Plus, my name
is probably already on yours
because you stole my identity,
you son of a bitch."
Isn't it wild
we don't have a class in high school
to teach kids
how to deal with their emotions?
Or credit cards.
I mean, why don't we have those?
It's pretty amazing.
Instead, we send them into calculus.
When's the last time you used calculus?
I'm gonna say, for me, never.
When's the last time
you had to deal with emotions?
A lot of you
during that Catholic bit, I know.
I saw that.
I saw that on your faces, for sure.
But they don't have a class for it.
They send us to Home Ec
to make a pillow so we have something
to scream into at night.
It's crazy.
And what's wild is
we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids
how to deal with emotions
with story problems in Math.
But that's not what we used them for.
What did we use them for? European travel?
"If a train is leaving Paris, France,
at midnight, going 185km/hr,
when is it going to get to London?"
"Hey, man,
there is a schedule on the wall."
"We don't have to do this math.
That's included in the ticket price."
What we should have been
using story problems for is this.
"Matt has five apples."
"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."
"And then Julie turned and gave Ben
all four of those apples
and kissed Ben right on the mouth."
"Then she turned back, looked at Matt
and laughed in his face."
"How many therapy sessions..."
"...is it going to take for Matt to realize
that Julie's actions
are not a reflection of his character,
but of hers?"
"So he doesn't shoot up a school
or call her a whore."
Now there's a lot going on in that one,
so you have to check the back of the book
for the answer.
And it just says, "Well into his forties."
Oh, my God. Am I Matt?
I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe I wrote a joke about myself
and changed the names.
It doesn't matter.
They don't teach us
how to deal with emotions in school.
There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.
I'm in the rental car.
I'm going back to the airport.
I'm at a red light
and there's one car in front of me.
I can feel the tears come again
and I go, "You can't cry now.
You've gotta drop this goddamn car off."
So I turn it into rage
and I try to punch
the horn of the rental car
through the steering column.
I hit it
with every single thing I had in my body
and it went, "Meep."
Dude, I went through the roof.
I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."
Thinking if I hit it correctly once,
it would go...
No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Finally, the guy in front of me
rolls his window down, is like,
"Did I do something?!"
And I was like,
"I'm going home to an empty house!"
Then I saw him look both ways,
and run a red light.
Which is absolutely what you need to do
when there is a psychopath behind you.
You don't ask another question.
You get somewhere safe.
I'll tell you that I did have some fun
when I was dropping my daughter off.
She was on a tour with other students.
I went to the registration table and said,
"I gotta get my daughter signed up."
They go, "What's her name?"
I said, "Olivia."
"What's her major?" "She's undecided."
And the woman said... "No!"
"No. No. No."
"She's an exploratory major."
"We don't say 'undecided' here."
"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."
That's what she did.
And then she said some other stuff
for five minutes
and I didn't hear any of that.
Because I was in the middle
of a frustration blackout.
Then she said,
"Thank you for coming to orientation."
And I said... "No! No, no, no."
"Asia-tation."
"We do not say 'Orient' here."
"As-ia-ta-tion."
That is the last time I moonwalked away
from another human being.
- I did. I did it all.
- Eh-he! All of it.
My favorite part of dropping her off
is when she met her roommates.
They're from Southern California.
She grew up in Northern Minnesota
and still has her accent.
So it was like two different languages.
She was like,
"Can you guys grab me my bayg?"
"My bayg has my clothes.
It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."
And her roommates are like,
"Grab your whaaaat?
It was like a confused teapot.
And my daughter was like,
"Just grab my bayg."
One of her roommates goes,
"I think you mean bahg."
And I was like,
"I don't think that's right either."
No one's ever got into trouble
for calling a guy a "fog."
Huh?
I mean, that's just condensation.
That doesn't even make sense.
"Mama, what's condensation?"
"Well, that's the Lord's breath
on a window."
I visited my daughter
five times last year, and the fifth time...
So she has a roommate, and her mom
was there every time I got there. Right?
So the fifth time I went, the mom goes,
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"
She goes, "Do you think
you're here too much?"
And I said, "I think you're here
every single time I'm here."
"Are we here too much, do you think?"
And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."
Yeah. And I was like,
"I don't think you can say that."
You can't dad-shame me.
I will cancel you, bitch.
She goes, "I'm just worried
you're smothering your daughter."
I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her
from visiting her at college,
she's in big trouble when I die."
"Because in my will it says
I'm to be cremated,
and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue
so they can be used
at my grandchildren's gender reveal."
That's actually in my will.
I love a good party
and I don't want to miss it.
"What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be?"
"Grandpa!"
Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home.
So I did.
And I didn't know exactly how sad I was
until I got all the way back here
to Minnesota
and I went to my home to no one
and I ate a pizza without cutting it.
I mean, think about how pathetic that is.
By the way,
I had a pizza cutter in my hand.
And I yelled to an empty house,
"Well, no one else is here
to have a piece."
Then I folded the pizza
and I grabbed it from the top
and I ate it from the bottom...
...like a parasite
on the belly of a wild animal.
I will tell you when you fold a pizza,
grease will pour out one side
and it will stain your pants.
I'm also gonna let you know
I wasn't wearing pants.
I told you, I was sad.
So there I was in my kitchen,
in my panties...
eating an Italian taco...
with a grease burn on my inner thigh
that I now tell people is a birthmark
because that's kind of
an embarrassing story.
It was in that moment I had the thought
I'm gonna hate being an empty nester
more than anything I've ever done
in my entire life.
And then a week later,
for the first time in 23 years,
23 years,
I got a blowjob in my own house.
And I thought, "You know what?"
"We're gonna figure this out."
My daughter Facetimed me,
"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."
I was like, "I don't know."
"Why don't you stay there?
Get to know your roommates."
"Really enjoy the college exp... Oh!"
Oh!
She was like, "What's wrong?"
Didn't have the heart to tell her...
"Not all your friends went to college."
Some of those boys didn't have the grades.
This reaction is incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. Kill him."
"It's fine. It's a boy."
What a weird reaction.
First of all,
it's neither of those groups.
It's a fully-cooked adult woman.
So everyone calm down.
Here's what happened. Well, not...
Never mind. Not that.
You guys are like,
"All right. I'm listening."
Not that part. Let me start over here.
I didn't date in my daughter's
senior year of high school.
I didn't wanna choose between
her last events
and then getting to know someone.
I didn't think
anyone would get my full attention.
I didn't think that was fair.
So I took a year off of dating
and I learned something very important
about myself.
I learned that I could die alone
and be okay with that.
That is very good information
to have about yourself.
It is a horrible attitude to have
in a new relationship.
There was a woman in my house once
after this.
She's like, "I don't like this movie."
I go, "I could die alone and go home."
You got to figure out
how to turn that shit down a bit.
Then I went on my first date
with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.
Here's what happened. She's allergic
to everything and that sucks.
I mean everything.
Like, "Does your water have hydrogen?
It has two? I can't have that."
It was like that kind of stuff.
So I'm like, "I'm not gonna
be able to do this. For sure."
At the end of dinner,
she said something really compelling.
She said, "Peanuts can kill me."
"Dairy makes me shit my pants."
And I thought, "Oh, my God.
Am I falling in love right now?"
Turns out I was. Because I think
that's a very funny thing to say.
It's also great information to have
at the beginning of a relationship.
Because now I know
if she accidentally has dairy,
I can just give her a peanut
to stop the madness.
Yeah, you're damn right.
I told you I can die alone. I said that.
I never said I could sit next to somebody
while they shit their pants in public.
Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been
my favorite food since I was a little boy.
Now I can't have it
'cause I'm in this relationship,
and Kelsey goes,
"Well, why don't you try almond butter?"
I was like, "I don't know.
Why don't you fuck you?"
Have you ever had almond butter?
It sucks so hard!
It's like Christmas
with just church and no presents.
Imagine that.
How do they make almond butter?
They have little kids chew up almonds
and spit them into a jar.
It's... There's... It's so gross!
So I finally broke.
We moved in together.
I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.
She said, "What's that?"
I said, "You know what that is."
She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"
I said, "I'm gonna eat this
when you're not here."
She said, "What if I eat it?"
"Don't."
I dunno what to say.
"I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."
"Don't open this cupboard.
This is the cupboard of death."
"This is where I'm gonna put
the peanut butter and my throwing stars."
"Don't open this. You could get hurt."
She said, "I cannot believe
you brought something in this house
that I am allergic to."
I go, "How are your two cats doing
that kill me slowly every day?"
"What's going on with them?"
"Been fed yet and barfed it up
somewhere on the carpet?"
I said, "About this peanut butter,
you're never gonna wake up
with it on your head."
Have you ever met a cat?
They're autistic.
They're full spectrum.
They go, "He's allergic to me?
Well, I'm gonna love him the most."
It's insane.
They sleep on my head
and then I snore because of it
and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."
"You're mouth-breathing."
"Can you wake up? Honey?"
"You're mouth-breathing.
It's bothering me."
"Can you wake up?"
I'm like, "Huh? What?
Who's mouth-breathing?"
"I'm mouth-breathing?"
"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat
on my head..."
"...whose dander is cascading down
into my breathing holes?"
"So even though I'm in a dream,
I'm physically in fight or flight,
and my face has to open
the biggest hole on it
to let the most amount of oxygen in
so I can remain
a card-carrying member of the alive?"
"I'm mouth-breathing? No shit, honey!"
"Tell me more."
I said she'd never end up with peanut
butter in her hair when she's sleeping
but I'm gonna get drunk and do it.
I know it.
I know I am. I'm gonna slather it
in her hair and just be like,
"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"
"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"You're bugging me or whatever you said
because we're equals!"
"Wake up!"
"Wake up."
"Oh, fuck! Wake up!"
I'm pretty sure
peanuts are different than cats.
So I'm gonna want to be careful
about that one.
We did move in together pretty quickly.
Because of that, people are like,
"You gonna have kids?"
I will tell every single person
that I have a vasectomy
and there's always
one person in the group that goes,
"You know
you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"
I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk
from Alaska to Argentina, right?"
"But that's hard and you won't do it,
so why don't you shut your mouth?"
This is a vasectomy.
I had a surgery for this.
I went in on purpose.
This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo
that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,
that I'm later going to regret
in my late thirties,
and cover it up with flowers
when my grandma dies.
This is a vasectomy.
I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,
and now need to back out.
I went into a cold operating room
with a bare nutsack,
per their request,
and they sliced it open,
and they pulled a tube out
and they snipped it,
and they burned both sides of the tube,
so now my sperm runs into that
and they die right there.
And then they're absorbed
back into my body.
And I don't know what that means.
They told me that
and then had me leave the hospital.
I have no idea what that means.
Sometimes I will not have eaten
for a couple of hours and I'll burp
and I'll be like, "Was that it?"
I don't know.
I don't know where they are.
I'm like a haunted house.
Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.
I have ringing in my ears
and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets
in the sperm graveyard.
I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy
'cause I don't know what'd happen.
I don't know how that works.
I've only reversed one thing in my life
and it was electricity.
In college, we got our lights shut off
'cause we didn't pay the bill.
We paid the bill,
they turned our lights back on,
but then our lights flickered
for three days.
I don't want a flickery sperm-shooter.
I don't need my sperm coming out sideways
and just denting the egg.
Then one finally gets in,
I have a kid come out like...
Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"
"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd
his ballbag back together."
"Now we can't go to restaurants
because I fuck up meals."
I'm not doing that.
I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,
and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."
"My period hasn't been...
I'm two weeks late."
"I feel like my breasts are tender
and I feel a little chubbier than normal."
"Do you think I'm pregnant?"
And I was like, "I don't."
"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."
"If you're pregnant,
we're about to have the creepiest kid..."
"...of all time,
if he made it through that."
He's gonna be able to
walk through his crib like, "Hello."
"Mother, Father."
We won't be able to get a babysitter
to come back more than one time.
She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens
and get a pregnancy test."
I was like, "Sure. You should also
get a paternity test when you're there."
That's not my kid.
Pregnancy tests and paternity tests
should come in a two-pack
like DayQuil and NyQuil.
Just shrink-wrapped together.
Kelsey asked me when we started dating,
"Do you want kids?"
I said, "I have kids."
She said, "What if I want kids?"
I said, "Then you should have
brought some kids."
I can't have a baby now!
I told you my youngest is 20 years old.
If I had a baby right now,
that would be like my last day of prison,
going into the yard and stabbing somebody.
Just be like, "Well, here we go again."
"One more life sentence."
"I guess I'll get one more degree
I'll never be able to use."
I can't have a kid right now.
My son is getting married in 12 days.
He's 24.
Yeah, sure. Yes.
If you guys wanna waste your energy
clapping at mistakes, be my guest.
No, I love his wife-to-be very much.
I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23,
he got engaged and I go,
"Think you're too young to get engaged?"
He goes, "You think
you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"
I'm like, "We will see you
at the wedding, my man."
He's getting married in 12 days.
I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.
I'm certainly not gonna be
one of those creepy families
where the parents have a kid
as old as the oldest kid's kid.
You ever seen them walking around?
Like, "Who's your buddy?"
"This is my uncle."
"Why don't you go back into the corn?
You're freaking everybody out."
Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had
a son and grandson the same age.
Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad
but I'm gonna
spoil the hell out of my grandkids.
If they're the same age,
it doesn't make sense.
"Son, go rake the lawn.
Grandson, go jump in the leaves."
"You get in there. Now kick 'em around.
It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."
"Yes, you will."
"I have your phone for a month already.
Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."
When Kelsey and I started dating,
she put glasses on.
She goes, "Are you surprised
I have glasses?" I said, "No."
"With your weak-ass genetics?"
"A nut can kill you.
You thought I thought you could see far?"
"No!"
And that's also why
I'm not gonna put a baby into her.
That's not fair.
Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.
All their parts work,
their genetics are spot-on.
And I know it sounds like
I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.
Right?
My children
will never be beaten.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying they're good.
I got good ones.
So I don't think it's fair for me
to put perfect vision
and straight teeth without braces
into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."
Plus, you know I'm the one that's
gonna have to take care of that kid.
I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating
with a purple pumpkin
because he can't have peanuts.
She can't bring him out
when there's pollen in the air,
it will kill her.
People are like, "Why does
your son have a purple pumpkin?"
"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."
"Never had to deal with this before."
"I just know his mom's family tree
is a weeping willow."
"I was sent along with him
to let you know you can only give him
licorice or he will die."
"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his
nephew and I don't want to talk about it."
You know what's awesome
about this night to me?
Is that, I bet you, there are people here
on the left of the political spectrum
and, I bet you,
there are people on the right
and no one's fist-fighting
and we're all laughing
at the same stupid story.
I think that's great.
Selfishly, I am very happy about that
'cause five years ago I thought
I was going to have to write
different acts for two different groups.
I thought I was gonna have to go
to Planned Parenthood,
and tell some jokes for the Dems,
and then run across town to the VFW,
and do some jokes for the Repubs.
I mean, I did.
But here we are.
This is a lot better for me.
There's still some buttfuckery
on the edges.
I think there always will be.
That's how it works, right?
Here's what I've said
since the beginning of my career,
I'm on the left,
the line's right by my foot.
That's where I stand.
It seems like I'm going this way
because they're going that way.
But I'm just standing here.
And so sometimes I get yelled at
from my own team.
One time I was like,
"Oh, that homeless guy."
And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"
I was like, "I don't think that's right."
"Unhoused"? That sounds
like a word you'd make up
because you can't
get something to rhyme in a poem.
She goes,
"Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"
I said, "I don't."
Because it's gonna be
something else next week.
The far left
update more than Apple products.
Problem with the far right,
they haven't updated one time ever.
That's why there's such a disconnect
on the two sides.
I got people saying "unhoused" over here,
and I have people over here going,
"I can't call that person a boy
because it says they're a girl
on their birth certificate,
and I always go by the birth certificate.
If it says girl on your birth certificate,
that's what I'm gonna call you."
Like, "Whatever, Robert."
"Call me Bob."
"Sorry, Robert, your rules."
Sometimes they're like,
"What do you think
about gay couples having kids?"
"I don't."
I'm not a gay couple or a kid.
And no one has asked me to help.
I only help when I'm asked.
Did you hear that, white ladies?
Say it with me.
Say it...
I only help when I am asked.
Sometimes people wanna know
about gay couples raising kids.
They go, "What would happen
if two women raised a boy?"
"What would that boy end up like?"
"I don't know. He'd probably be
great at planning surprise parties
and ruining them."
"Just a little something
from each parent."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"What do you think about that guy
that became a girl
to win those college swimming events?"
"I will tell you what I think about that."
"I didn't know
there was college swimming."
I didn't.
I thought you went from the YMCA
to the Olympics. That was it.
So that person has done more for me
and my knowledge of college swimming
than anyone.
I hope they got that laugh.
That sounds like
a goddamn boomerang coming around.
I love it.
I'm not making fun of it. I love it.
Now I'm gonna say something that
could get me kicked out of the country.
I would like you to bear with me.
Both sides, hear me out.
What if...
What if...
we all minded our own business?
I know it seems simple
but it seems like we can't do it, right?
I told you I'm on the left,
the line is right by my foot.
I shot a gun two months ago
and I want to do it every single day now.
I bet every single person in here
is against gun violence, of course.
I don't need a gun that goes...
Not that many. I don't need that.
I want one that goes, "Bang!"
Then you have to hurry
and fucking reload or you get shot.
That's what I want.
I want to get good at shooting
the one person I want to shoot.
That doesn't seem that hard.
I think if you want a gun, you should
be able to have one of those bang guns.
I think you should have to follow
a couple of rules,
but once you do,
everybody has to leave you alone.
I think those rules should be,
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
You're not gonna
wave it in anybody's face.
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
If you follow those rules,
everybody has to mind their own business.
Same on the other side, right?
If you were born a female
and that's never made sense
with how you think,
or how you feel emotionally,
you should get to have
a penis on your body, if you want one.
There should be rules
and if you follow them,
everyone should have to shut up.
Those rules should be,
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
You're not gonna wave it
in anybody's face.
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
It's so easy if we let it be.
I'll tell you one more story.
I was in Sacramento...
This is another one
where I don't know how to do transitions.
I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,
so I couldn't go anywhere for four days
and I was in a hotel room.
On the last day I was there,
I started watching
the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.
I was watching that game,
and then there was a knock at my door.
And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.
I was very lonely.
So normally when someone knocks
on my hotel room door,
I Mission Impossible-shimmy
and listen to figure out who's out there.
Not this time. I was like,
"It's company. Hey!"
It was two armed security guards,
with their hands already on their guns.
They were positioned like this,
and their flippy thing
was already flipped up.
So all they had to do is that
with their gun.
Now I was holding the door like this,
you couldn't see my hand.
That's how you open a hotel room door.
They kept looking at my hand weird,
so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"
He goes, "Let go of the door."
I said, "I can't. It'll shut
and bullets go through doors."
He goes, "Better figure it out."
I said, "Can I move my hand?"
And the guy goes, "Go for it."
Well, no.
I'm not playing that game, High Noon.
So I put my foot down to block the door
and I magician'd my hand out like this.
Just trying to get 'em to smile.
I even made all the noises.
I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"
He goes, "What are you doing?"
I go, "What are you doing?"
He goes, "We have
a domestic disturbance complaint
about this room."
And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."
"I've been here all by myself
for four days."
"Don't believe me? Come in here
and try to bend this sock."
Right? I mean...
I'm just trying to get 'em to smile.
They have guns.
And so they don't even smirk,
they go, "We have to come in,
make sure no one is in there."
I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."
I get out of the way.
One guy passes me.
The other guy comes
like he's gonna pass me,
and he stops right by me.
He looks at me and goes,
"And we're not touching the sock."
I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock.
Relax, that was a joke."
So we get in there,
and he goes, "Open the closet."
I open it and the guy goes,
"Do it slower."
What kind of dirty tape are we making?
Why would he want me to do it slower
and then I thought, "Do they really think
I'm a magician because of this shit?"
They think there was someone in there,
I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"
Ridiculous.
They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom."
I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."
They go, "Open the shower curtain."
I start to slide it but I go,
"How slow you want me to open this one?"
"Oh-ho, you like that, daddies?"
He goes, "Knock it off."
I go, "You knock it off. You have guns."
I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."
He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway
that heard something."
I go, "I have an idea.
How about we go talk to them?"
So we go out in the hallway
and there is a woman standing there.
She says, "I was walking by this room,
and I'm positive it was this room,
and I heard a man yell,
'Get on the ground, bitch.'"
I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not
something that I would ever... Oh, no."
I go, "Is it possible
you heard a man yell,
'Get him on the ground, you big bitch!'
because I did yell that
at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."
"I did."
"I have the under
and they are running all over us today."
She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"
I go, "Oh, my God.
You invited people with guns."
I go, "Can I go in my room?"
They go, "Go ahead."
So I shut the door
and I locked the deadbolt,
but I snapped the deadbolt
as hard as I could
and it echoed in the hallway.
And as soon as it got quiet,
I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"
You guys were absolutely incredible!
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Thank you. Jesus Christ.
Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.