Chalet Girl (2011) Movie Script
- Whoa.
- What a wild kickflip wallplant!
It takes me back to my boarding days.
Funny. Cos I feel like
the only boarding you did
was with Charlie and Henry
and the horrid biscuit game.
Oh, OK, yeah, fair point.
The competition has been amazing.
The girls have been great.
But the one everyone is talking about,
Kim Matthews, is still missing.
We've actually got some footage of her
as an early skateboarding prodigy.
Kim started competing
when she was seven.
She won the National
Mixed Under-16s
when she was just 11 years old.
I mean, attractive girl even then.
- Really? Because I said 11.
- Yeah, objectively.
(woman) Two years ago, aged 17,
she won the London Trials.
(man) Mum and Dad supported her
with parental pride
and simplistic homemade signs.
Then nothing. We haven't seen her since.
(woman) There was an accident, Rick.
The car crash, when she lost her mum.
We're thinking of you, Kim.
Wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, we hope
you're riding high and living the dream.
(man on PA) And todayk special:
two for one on onion rings.
Onion rings, two for one.
Please don't push.
- (Dad) I thought it was junk mail.
- (Kim) Big red letters.
"Notjunk mail."
It says "Urgent Demand" on it.
- They always say that. it's hardly...
- it's nearly a grand.
Dad, you can'tjust ignore it.
But, hey, we're big hitters, right?
We'll just sell the Bentley.
Oh, no, someone's stolen the Bentley.
Plan B?
They're bluffing.
I'll think of something.
How are you getting on?
No. Nothing yet.
- I'll talk to Les. Sort something out.
- What would I do without you?
Fester.
Hmm!
My rota is... full.
Maybe if you're extra nice to me? Hmm?
Oh, Les, don't be a cock all your life.
(Les on PA) That's your extra nice?
How did my summerjob
become the rest-of-my life job?
A friend of my cousin's
just got into this well-good scam.
Catering agencies. Serving champagne
and tiny food to toffs. 12.50 an hour.
Hmm. Toffs and champagne
or Les and... Urgh.
I can get the number if you want.
You gotta be posh, though.
Posh? Trace, I can do posh.
- Hi, I'm Arabella.
- I'm Henrietta.
- Isabella.
- Petronella.
Kim.
White wine? Yes.
Red wine?
Yes.
Dessert wine?
No.
I ls it true what they say
about posh girls?
I ls it true what they say
about posh girls?
(crash)
(Kim) shit.
You're a lovely girl,
but I'm just not sure.
Let me try. You're just not sure
I'm the right kind of girl
for your clients.
It's hard to say why exactly,
but it's probably to do with the fact
that I'm not called Arabella
or Isabella or anything-bella.
I don't have hundred-quid highlights,
perfect nails
or, I'm just guessing here,
expensively trimmed pubes.
So even though I'm the only person
with actual experience of actual work
in the actual real world,
and you know
I'd try really, really hard,
I'm just not the right kind of girl.
- Is that about the size of it?
- About there, yes.
(Vivaldi 3 "Four Seasons" ringtone)
This is Bella.
She did what?
Oh, for God's sake, the silly cow.
Yes, it's the day after tomorrow.
Everyone's booked out.
Wait there,
er,... Kim.
- (Dad) It sounds great.
- I said no.
- What was the job?
- Cooking and cleaning.
Same as I do at work.
Same as I do here.
- Was the pay rubbish?
- No, it's better. Double, plus tips.
But... But still...
But still what?
It's in a ski chalet. In Austria.
For four months.
- Right. Well, I'm sure I could...
- You couldn't.
I'd come home and find a skeleton
on the couch holding the remote.
That's a bit harsh.
- Totally the right decision.
- You think so?
Yeah. What's a luxury chalet with hot,
rich clients in a beautiful ski resort
got on this place? it's a no-brainer.
- Oi, I found this toenail in my...
- Don't even try.
See? Would you get that kind of
quality entertainment in Austria?
I don't think so.
Hi, it's Kim Matthews from yesterday.
I was wondering if you're still...
(Bella) Still desperately seeking
a chalet girl? Yes, I am.
- You are?
- Could you do it?
You have to be there tomorrow.
It's ten hours on the overnight train.
(Kim) Right. I'm making freezer food
to last until April.
You know how the microwave works?
(Dad) It's a magnetron
that converts electricity...
- (Kim) No, no, no. Like on, off?
- (Dad) Yeah, yeah.
What am I doing? I'm packing you off
to some mountainous wasteland,
while I'm stuck here looking for a job.
(Kim) it'll happen,
as long as you keep trying.
- (Dad) But you're only 19.
- (Kim) Exactly! I'm 19.
Lt% Austria. Hardly a wasteland.
(Dad) Austria. Famous for
"The Sound of Music", breaded food
and the invention of psychoanalysis.
You join the dots.
(Kim) You Te such a freak.
No wonder nobody will hire you.
- And you won't forget to have a bath?
- (Dad) Every month.
(Kim) I give up.
And what exactly am I
supposed to do with this?
- What is it?
- You can't live on beans on toast.
We won two world wars
and one World Cup on beans on toast,
so don't knock 'em.
I've set it up online,
so you'll get a delivery every week.
Lexi, this is my health-freak dad, Bill.
Bill, this is Lexi.
I'm trusting you to keep him alive
till I get back, OK?
- (car horn beeps)
- Shit.
My pay goes into the mortgage account.
I'll send any tips back.
Any envelopes...
Big red letters. I know.
Now hurry up, you'll miss your train.
- Maybe this isn't a great idea.
- Go, now.
- I love you, Kimberley.
-I love you, William.
Bye, Dad.
- See you later. Auf Wiedersehen.
- (door shuts)
(yodelling)
Oh, my God, I'm never doing that again!
I can't remember the whole night.
Honestly.
Oh, my God, did you see that guy
staring at my tits the whole night?
It was so awkward.
He was such a perv. And he had a hairy
chest and everything. Can you imagine?
(laughs) Yeah.
Can I call you back, babes?
- Seriously?
- Yep.
OK, let's go. Put your bags
in the back and get in.
Shit.
(Kim) Oh, my God, they're huge.
Yeah, they're mountains.
Huge is part of the concept.
You don't even ski, do you?
What are you doing here?
- it's a job. I need to earn money.
- Earn? What, as in, like, "save"?
(toots horn)
- Oh.
- Thought I recognised that arse.
- Alright, ugly. You coming out?
- Yeah. Just dumping the new girl off.
- The new girl! Let me see.
- Kim, Jules. Jules, Kim.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'll see you later, babes.
- See you later, babes.
(Kim) it's a bit poky, isn't it?
So is this guy
head of some evil criminal empire?
- He's a banker.
- That's a yes, then.
- You don't get it, do you?
- Get what?
This is the best job in the Alps.
They use the place to entertain clients
plus a few family weekends.
Apart from that,
they're hardly ever here.
I had 30 girls texting me after Milly
broke her leg, begging me for the job.
But the agency said it had to be
someone they'd seen.
You know what's really funny is,
I wasn't going to take it at first.
OK, maybe not really funny but...
Do what I tell you and if
you're not up to it, I will tell them.
Listen, a week ago I was
mopping up puke in a burger bar.
No, you listen, little Miss Essex
no-coat, non-skiing freak show.
I'm not actually from...
The Madsens fly in at five.
They expect perfection from the start.
Now, if you screw up or, more
importantly, if you make me look bad,
then clearing up puke will be a fond
memory of the good old days. Got it?
Oh!
Got it.
So I'll just make myself at home, then.
J' Farmer in my own farm
I In, out and far
I From the high ceilings
(yodelling on TW
- Look out!
- Hey!
(man shouts / children laugh)
(tutS)
it's a total nightmare.
It's not like you've got to spend
the next four months
sharing a room with her.
- Oh, no, wait, you have.
- I'm serious, babes.
It's like she's never seen snow before.
it's like she's from Africa.
A chalet girl who can't ski.
That's classic.
- Tell me about it. Later, babes.
- Later, babes.
The three golden rules
of chalet-girling.
One, no friends up in the chalet.
Two, party all you like, as long as
breakfast is on the table at eight.
- You oversleep, you pack your bags.
- Friends, breakfast, check.
Three, no sleeping with the clients.
Unless they're fit. Or minted.
Or hitting on you.
- Basically, there's only two rules.
- Basically, yeah.
We're just going to get
the essentials for now.
Right, so shall I go and get the veg?
Six tins of caviar, please. Beluga.
Caviar, right. Of course.
I'm more front-of-house type,
you're more back office.
Because I know how to talk to them.
Yeah, I don't speak much posh.
Dropped it after GCSEs.
- Do you want to prep the veg?
-I live to prep veg.
Right, carrots,
we've got a big game coming up.
I want to see each and every one of you
giving 110 per cent.
Are you done?
Yeah. I thought you said
they landed at five.
I did. But the pilot called.
They ran into some headwind.
Oh, right... The who called?
- (girl) God, he's here already.
- (Kim) Who?
(girl) The owners' all-round ski guide,
fixer and gimp.
Kim, meet the very handsome,
very powerful Bernhardt.
- You're late.
- Did I mention very charming too?
- Is this the new Hausmdchen?
- Hi.
Hey, welcome!
- So, who is everyone?
- Oh, you'll figure it out.
You know, you're going to have to stop
being so helpful all the time.
Rule three. Anyway, he's taken.
- Turned you down, did he?
- No.
So, what's the deal?
How do I, you know, talk to them?
You don't talk to them.
You don't look them directly in the eye.
- And curtsey when you meet them.
- Oh.
- Alright, needle cock?
- You old slapper.
- You OK down there?
- Yeah, yeah, just... stretching.
- Right. Is this the new helper?
- Er, something like that.
Hi, rm Kim.
Jonny. And I don't actually have
a needle cock.
- He did when he was ten.
- Hey.
I'm so excited to be back! Hi!
- Hey, Chloe.
- How are you?
- This is Milly's replacement, Kate.
- Kim.
This heartbreaker is her brother Nigel.
- Nigel. The famous Nigel.
- He really does have a tiny cock.
Hey, it's not what you got,
it's about where you put it in...
Please ignore him.
This is my dad Richard,
"Call me Dickie."
Are you following this?
- Dad, this is Kim.
- Call me Dickie.
Thank you for stepping in.
Just do whatever Georgie does.
Except that thing with her chin.
- We liked that, didn't we?
- That was a one-off.
- Speaking of one-offs...
- Hey!
Hello.
This is my wife Caroline.
Who apparently has a throat infection.
- Help us with the bags?
- Ah, yes.
- Ahem.
- Give her a chance.
I didn't say anything.
(Georgie) And lovingly topped off
with gravy, Ia me.
Back office.
Wouldn't want to steal your thunder
with the sprouts.
Oh, brilliant. Look at that!
(all exclaim)
Ibble dibble number one, with 12 ibble
dibbles calls ibble dibble number...
There. Right there.
Mmm! I want to be a profiterole.
So these guys fly in on a private jet
and their idea of fun is rubbing
a burnt cork on each ether's faces?
That's insane.
Sanity's overrated.
Tried it once, didn't get it.
Join in. We don't bite.
Well, my mum bites a bit. The rest of us
just nibble ibble dibble...
Talking crap.
- You! it's time.
- No, there's absolutely no way.
- Yes! Yes!
-I don't want to!
Georgie! Georgie! Georgie! Georgie!
OK, OK.
Hark! The Herald.
Ooh.
(makes farting sounds to tune of
"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'Q
(mimics beatbox)
- Go, go, go.
- (Chloe) Oh, Nigel.
(Dickie) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See now, this is my idea of fun.
You should join in.
(all) J' Hark! The herald angels sing
Unfortunately I'm only grade one
at... whatever that is.
Yeah!
- You eating alright?
- Five a day. How's it going?
- It's fine.
- What are the people like?
- (excited shrieking)
- They're...
Who wants more champagne?
..fine.
If it doesn't work out, I can
always nick one of their paintings.
- (beeping)
- What's that noise?
Oh, nothing, er...
No, it's next door.
There's a truck reversing,
I think.
Listen, Kimmy,
I really miss you, you know?
I know, Dad. Me too.
(Kim) Georgie? Georgie?
It's seven.
(Georgie groans)
Rule two?
- Is this caviar?
- Sure looks like it.
Well, dig in, everyone,
and enjoy your $300 omelettes.
Jesus, Kim. You have to wake me.
I don't need you making me look bad.
- No kidding.
- (shrieks)
So what am I supposed
to do all day, then?
I don't know. I'm sure
you'll find something. Look around.
Oh, shit.
Wait! Stop!
- Georgie, this cake is supreme.
- Thank you, Jonny.
(Nigel) Hm-hmm! Sure is.
- This place is so magical.
- It is when you're here.
Enjoy it. You won't ski this much
when you're starting a family.
- Do I get a say in any of this?
- No, snoogles, you don't.
I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this.
Do I look like a grandfather?
- Don't answer that!
- (Chloe laughs)
Thank you. Ooh.
(shrieks)
That's hot!
I Angels watching over me
with smiles upon their face
J' Cos I have made it through this far
in an unforgiving place
J' it feels sometimes this hill's
too steep for a girl like me to climb
I But I must knock those thoughts
right down
I I'll do it in my own time
J I don't care
I I?n halfway there
J On a road that leads me
straight to who knows where
(yells)
You crazy freak!
Watch where you're going!
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Stay safe, Betty Boop.
Hang outside on the ripside!
- Yeah, and in English?
- Hang outside on the ripside.
Ciao!
.P I tell you what
I What I have found
I That I?n no fool
J I'm just upside down
I Ain 't got no cares
I I ain 't got no rules
J' I think I like
I Living upside down
I You gotta slow it down
- (yells)
- J' But then you pick it up
J' Come on and try a little topsy-tun/y
back-to-front the right way round
You blow at boarding.
But you sure are styley.
I'll take it you're not
into pink all-in-ones?
(laughs)
- Mikki. Single guy from Finland.
- Kim. Not interested from England.
- You know the skateboarding?
- A bit.
Same, same, but different.
You want some help?
- Yeah.
- OK, come on, get up.
OK, in skateboarding, weight back.
In snowboarding, weight centred.
OK. Right.
- Knees.
- OK.
Turn with your shoulders,
not the knees.
You're a natural.
It's like skateboarding, huh?
(Kim) Whoo-hoo!
(laughs)
- That was pretty cool.
- That was nothing, Betty.
Let's get high.
UP-
Oh. No, I can't. I'm on the budget tour.
Betty... Follow me.
Hey, look. That's the biggest
snowboarding competition in Tyrol.
Every year I enter,
every year I face-plant.
But this year I rock it!
Hey, we'll enter together.
Why? Because I'm such a pro boarder?
Three months, maybe.
Maybe, maybe not.
Come on. $25,000. it's easy for you.
You're a skateboarder.
I pulled a 360 my first day on a board.
- (Kim) And broke your neck, right?
- (Mikki) No. My leg.
Just so you know,
I've given Jonny your mother's ring.
That's a coincidence. I've given him
one of her dresses. He'll look lovely.
It is not funny.
The marquee is pencilled for June.
It was quite funny.
Didn't you get the message?
You're joining us. Dress up.
I... did.
Don't worry. She made me change too.
Drainpipe jeans and winkle-pickers
aren't very this season apparently.
(Chloe) You were never a style guru.
(Jonny) I was.
Lippy.
Liner.
Lashes.
Accessories.
I want those back.
And... hair gum. Use sparingly.
Hair gum?
And like that, she became a swan.
So I used to be an ugly duckling, then?
Someone needs to learn
how to take a compliment.
- Ah, it all makes sense now.
- Yeah. I'm just back office.
- It's a shoelace.
- Er, it's bow tie.
No, it's a shoelace knot. Come here.
Didn't think you'd be the kind of girl
who knew how to tie a bow tie.
And here's me thinking
you were the kind of boy who would.
Big night for you, then?
There.
Licensed to kill.
- Or be killed.
- (laughs)
(Jonny) Right, who needs a drink?
- Oh, Georgie. What are these?
- Mini-burgers. Don't blame me.
They are sensational.
- Trying to get me drunk?
- Just helping you on your way.
Greasing your nuts, as it were.
- Rule three?
- Oh, shut up.
What are you grinning at?
Nothing. Just think
I'm starting to get the hang of this.
The cake's on the oven. The beef
is nearly done. And the mousse has set.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow. Did you hear what...
- Yeah, don't get used to it.
Get a fresh one of these.
Such responsibility.
Do I get a performance star?
- What?
- Doesn't matter.
Chloe, you look wonderful.
Oh, look. Looks like the new girl's
putting on pre-dinner entertainment.
Oh, dear, stand back.
Kim, wait. Kim...
(Caroline) What a waste. That's vintage.
Doctor's orders. The good news is,
you've already got the headache,
so you can drink as much as you like.
- I should go and help Georgie.
- I wouldn't worry.
- I think Nigel has her covered.
- Thanks.
- Hit the spot.
- Yeah, it should. '62 Dom.
- Dom?
- It's 500 quid a bottle.
next time.
Why am I here?
I'm stuck in a parallel reality
where people drink my monthly salary
every ten minutes.
You're right. We're aliens.
My mother has a tail. Did you see it?
Your mum is the scariest woman
I've ever met.
You want to know how she met
my dad? Air stewardess. Concorde.
Your dad was an air stewardess?
She's not that scary.
Well, look, I should be getting back.
Yeah, of course. Thanks for the Dom.
Yeah.
(Jonny) Can we talk about this later?
(Caroline)
She won't wait forever, Jonny.
(sighs) I feel so sorry for her.
See?
- Thank you.
- Everything alright?
Yeah, everything's fine.
We'll be back out in February.
See if you can figure out the whole
champagne-bottle thing by then.
- Yep, I will practise daily.
- Knock yourself out.
Trying to shake your hand,
punch you in the stomach. Not cool.
So, I'll put the photos on Facebook.
Well,... poke me.
Right. OK, girls.
This is for all your hard work.
Thank you so much.
And, Kim, you know you get
a lift pass too, don't you?
Just charge it to the chalet.
Unless you'd prefer the cash.
- Lift pass would be great.
- OK.
- Alright, let's go.
- It's a private plane. It can wait.
- It will. I won't.
- Desperate to get back to work.
OK, maybe I'll quit,
and next time we can hitchhike here.
A father-son adventure.
I like the sound of that. Bye.
- "Poke me"?
- Piss off.
Slut.
- 200-euro tip for one week?
- (microwave pings)
Are you sure you're just cooking?
I'll put it in the bank when I can.
You OK?
- Yeah. Solid.
- Huh?
I mean sound, yeah.
- Don't let them work you too hard.
- I won't.
(Kim) Right, Finland, let's do this.
Where do we start?
Well, in slopestyle, you are scored
on your tricks on the rails,
and the jump you pull at the end.
- You smell me?
- Yes, I smell you. Unfortunately.
Think about the run. Only the run.
Be the board.
Let's get tricky with Mikki!
(yells)
(whoops)
Right, come on, Kim.
(yells)
(whoops)
Yes! (whoops)
- Hey.
- Hey.
You do realise you're riding a beginner
board from, like, the 16th century?
I thought the 16th century
was the golden age of snowboarding.
Go to the rental shop
and pick yourself up a park board.
You'll have more fun on that, trust me.
And ask for Willy. Tell him
Tara sent you. He'll hook you up.
Stay safe out there.
Thanks.
Kann ich dir helfen?
Oh, I'm just looking, thanks.
Rentals are only 80 euros a week,
and half-price for staff.
Well, I'm staff. And actually,
Tara told me to come by.
OK, fine. 30.
Freestyle board, boots and helmet.
You get top end for that.
Cool. Deal.
J For such a long time
J We've been standing in line
.P And it's been so long
Whoo!
- Georgie!
- Hey!
Check it out! That's your buddy, Kim.
Whoo!
I thought you said she hadn't been
in the mountains before.
She hadn't.
I Far away with me
J You will never know
(Dad) Hey, Kimmy.
I've got my first interview tomorrow.
And, well, I'm being a good boy and
going through the statements, but I saw
that tip money hasn't gone in.
it's probably their fault
but I just thought I'd let you know.
And, hey, Kimmy, aubergines. Whoo!
My new favourite food. Who knew?
Alright, Kimmy, love you.
(alarm clock beeps)
- Didn't hear you get up.
- I haven't.
Level nine! Yeah, baby.
You really think
you're going to win that pro?
N-N-No.
(Bernhardt) Hallo!
Abend. Friulein.
- Hey, Bernie.
- What's with the towel, Bernie?
My name is Bernhardt. Mr Madsen,
he asked me to test the hot tub.
- Did he now?
- Jawohl.
There is, you must know,
room for more than just one.
That is so funny,
because Kim and I were just saying
how much we would love
to share a hot tub with Bernhardt.
- For sure?
- Yeah.
But the problem is,
we don't have our swimsuits.
Who needs swimsuits?
Yeah, Kim, who needs swimsuits?
You are so right.
Maybe when we're out there
you could give me a back rub.
And then we can, like,
frolic naked in the snow!
Yeah.
Ah! I understand.
The famous English humour.
I forget.
(yells)
Stop snowing!
I You cannot change this
J We are not going back
I Yeah
Yes!
(phone beeps)
it's your birthday?
What makes you think that?
You want to look at anything else?
Bank statements, knicker drawer?
- Bertie's. Now.
- I'm can't, I'm saving.
I thought you were
just about to win $25,000.
I don't think you need to save.
Come on.
No, Georgie. I'm not going.
Betty in the house!
You owe me ten euros, G.
She bet me you'd never come in.
She says you were too much of a...
How you say? Chav? What is a chav?
Yeah, Georgie, what is a chav?
I didn't... His English is awful.
Buy yourself some vegetables.
Hey, Willy. This is Kim.
We already met. Tara says
you look sweet on the freestyle.
Do you know who that is?
- Yeah. It's Tara.
- Tara Dakides!
She won, like,
First chick in the world
to pull a backside rodeo, right, Willy?
Broke her back
in three places learning it.
Now she needs a painkiller
every time she rides.
- Insane. What is she doing here?
- The Roxy. Her big comeback.
She reckons this girl has game.
(laughs)
I taught her everything she knows!
- Alright.
- (Georgie) Yeah.
Happy birthday! Blow out your candles!
Whoo-hoo!
(yells)
(rock music)
J' Come away with me,
far away with me
I You will never know until you go
J' When will you go?
J' Fly away with me,
just leave the gravity
.P it's all just for show
J' When will you go?
I Just let go
J For such a long time
J We've been standing in line
I it% been so long
- it's just a few. Come on.
- But it's rule number one.
The night is young, and so are we.
Just a few.
(loud music)
- This is your fault.
- You are welcome.
Oh, come on!
(yells)
- Little Finnish lunatic.
- How long have you been together?
- Oh, we're not together.
- My balls are ice cream!
(girls shriek)
Argh. (laughs nen/ously)
Chillout.
Chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out!
(cheers)
Chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out!
(others stop chanting)
You here all season?
- Jimmy's going home.
- Don't tempt me.
There's a broken coffee table in
the hall, the speaker system is kaput,
and vomit on the yucca plant.
(sighs) Excellent work, girls.
Just as long as nobody painted
a comedy moustache on the...
OK, look, just clean up the mess,
I'll replace the kit,
you pay me back later.
We'll take it out of your tips.
- But what's happened...
- They don't need to know.
I don't understand why they would
do this if they knew we were coming.
- You told them, right?
- Ja, sicher.
Jawohl. I say Mr Jonny come early
because of the good snow.
- No, no, no, he didn't!
- You didn't!
-I did.
- Awesome sauna, bro.
OK, erm... You do not get
to call me needle cock ever again.
And you, next time you have a birthday
party, do it at your own house.
Yeah, yeah, a few rounds of Twister,
a couple of games of gin rummy
and we're away.
- Great.
- Pop round if you're in the area.
- Maybe I will.
- Cool.
Er, breakfast at eight. OK?
Better luck next time, Scheisskopt
- Kim?
- Georgie?
You're really going to have
to win that competition now.
- Yep.
- (both laugh)
Come on, babes.
First day of the season.
See you later. Try not to organise
any mass raves while we're out.
I I?n not Mr Muscle but I can
be loathsome and I can hustle you
Look, Dad. I'll speak to you later.
I've really got to go. Love you.
Bye'
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ill
Jesus, have you slept
with half the bloody resort?
- Only the useful half.
-I can be useful.
I I?n not Mr Muscle but I can
be loathsome and I can hustle you
J' I'm not Mr Muscle
but I can be loathsome
Is it true chalet girls
all have sex in gondolas?
Oh, yeah. Non-stop.
We are crazy for it.
Come on, can't people see in?
The windows steam up
if you do it right.
Yep. On this one you only have
- I still think I can do better.
- OK, sister present.
- Check out the fresh tracks.
- (Kim) Wow.
- The Yeti.
- The who?
Not really a Yeti.
Just some local mystery guy.
He's always first to put fresh tracks
down the powder.
- You know he's a guy because...
- Local mystery person.
He, she, they climb through the night,
ski down at dawn. Pretty amazing.
Amazing I weird.
I'd love to have sex in a gondola.
You girls want to come ski with us?
Bernhardt told me about this empty run.
I'm sure they have things
they want to do.
- I'm meeting someone at the snowpark.
- Worried you can't keep up, huh?
- (Georgie scoffs)
- We'll see about that.
(whoops)
(whoops)
(both laugh)
Hey. Over here!
Come on. Your turn to jump.
(car horn blares)
You OK?
Chloe. Chloe, wait!
No, Chloe please don't! Chloe.
(yells / thud)
(yells)
- Does it hurt?
- Of course it f ricking hurts, idiot!
OK, give her some more
of that strong stuff. Yeah.
(Chloe yells)
- I feel bad.
- So you should. It's all your fault.
I'm joking. it's really not.
I'll get her back to London
this afternoon. We know a good surgeon.
I'll back out in a couple of weeks
with some clients.
So I'll see you then, then.
Then.
(Chloe yells)
(men shout) Three! Two! One!
(all cheer)
- I need help.
- Me too.
Taking big jumps, lesson one.
It's complex, so watch close.
(whoops)
Jump into my arms, Betty!
Betty Boop? You there?
- (breathes heavily)
- Betty?
What's wrong?
Betty, jumping is easy.
Landing is the hard bit.
Come on.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
On three. Three!
(yells)
(both laugh)
(yells)
Yeah!
J' Chicken! Pay the chicken back back,
pay the chicken back
I Pay back the chicken back,
do the chicken payback
I Piggy! Pay the piggy back back,
pay the piggy back
J' Pay back the piggy back,
do the piggy payback
J' Monkey! Pay the monkey back back,
pay the monkey back
J' See the monkey, do the monkey,
pay the monkey back
Slamdownl Yes!
- My flying angel!
- Ow!
- Are you really going to go for it?
- Yeah. This girl is a podgy.
- She's a what...?
- Podgy. She's a real podgy.
- (phone rings)
- (Kim) I'm not podgy!
Oh, prodigy.
Hey, Nigel, my sexy beast!
How are you?
Nigel?
Hey, Kim! What's up?
Hey. Hey, Tara, erm...
Just... taking a break.
Well, like they say, if it were easy...
You guys ready? Let's go.
Right, come on, buster.
It's been a long day, Betty.
Take it easy.
(Kim) Hey, watch and learn, my friend!
Betty, wait up! it's too soon!
(car horn blares)
(yells)
Whoa!
(chopping)
I think that's enough carrots.
Why give up now
after you've worked so hard?
- Because I don't feel like it, OK?
- It's just a sprain.
This time. Then next time
I break my neck. Then what?
People die doing this stuff.
- I thought you needed the money.
- I do.
Maybe if I hadn't spent it
renting ski kit
and replacing stupid speakers,
which we haven't paid for yet...
Jesus, Kim,
we're meant to be having fun.
Hello, this is Kim Matthews"s phone.
Leave a message after the tone. Bye!
Cheer up, babe. It might never happen.
It has. It continues to.
Do you know what you need to do?
Drink bleach? Good idea.
Two capfuls. Bucket. Hot water.
You know what they say, don't you?
Tidy kitchen, tidy mind.
I just feel like I'm losing her.
People change. Change is good.
Where's her mum, then?
Sutton Row Cemetery.
Change isn't always good.
Two capfuls?
Yo-ho, snow-ho! (laughs)
- How's your arm?
- it's alright. it's getting there.
The doctor said it'll be fine
in a few days.
Oh. Wow, she can talk to me now,
right?
Now that Captain America
isn't calling her 50 times a day.
I need my training buddy. They started
building the course for the pro.
- You wanna take a sneaky peeky?
- No, I can't.
We've got corporate guests.
Big weekend.
One hour? You've got to do this.
Betty, you on a board,
it's where you're meant to be.
You've got so much talent
it's unfair on the rest of us, so why...
Betty...
Sorry, Mikki. I can't.
Bye.
- Thank you, Kate.
- Dad, her name's Kim.
Where's that one from last year, Dickie?
Really big tits, big arse?
Henry Goodwin?
He went bust, didn't you hear?
- You prick! The chalet girl.
- Milly broke her leg.
- What, skiing?
- Aprs-skiing.
You're too lean for my taste.
We'll have to fatten you up, love.
Yeah, a bit more cushion
for the pushin'.
- They tip well.
- They'd better.
We need Malcolm to come in first.
The others will follow.
- You worry too much.
- You don't worry enough.
- (Malcolm) Dickie, shift your arse!
- Right. Let's get going.
Georgie, you're coming with us
to dish up lunch?
Erm, actually I've come down
with something.
It's like a little tickle.
It's like... (coughs)
Oh. Well, you'd better come,
then, erm...
- Oh, Dad, for God's sake, it's Kim.
- Kim.
No, I should be...
Ow.
Fine. I'll get changed
and get my lift pass.
You don't need a lift pass.
How can you not need a lift pass?
Ah.
You ever been
in one of these things?
Yeah, we got one at home.
This one's pretty small.
- Do we pay extra for irony?
- No, the irony's free.
- It's the sarcasm you're paying for.
- (laughs)
Ironically.
Oh, wow.
- How long have you been on that thing?
- About eight weeks.
Jesus. Dickie...
You can fly back on the bird
if you're not sure.
- She's fine. Trust me.
- I don't want her holding us up.
The global financial meltdown
just happened to other people, right?
I warned you about sub-primes. Greed
is only good when it comes to lunch.
Speaking of which, what is this?
Special Austrian food.
Strudel, nudel and... kniidel.
I wouldn't mind a "canoodle"
with this one in fact.
Right, nearest the pin, lads.
it's 50s in and it's...
I'm going to go 32C.
It's hard to tell. The jumper
might be bulking her up.
Put me down for a 30B.
Miles off. I'm thinking 30D,
the Holy Grail of bra sizes.
Controversial. Go on, Kimmy,
put us out of our misery.
No, Kim, don't answer that.
I'm sorry. I was under the impression
that we were enjoying ourselves.
Unlike most women you know, Malcolm,
Kim keeps her clothes on for a living.
Oh.
It's alright.
You know what they say.
The bigger the chat,
the smaller the chap.
(Dickie laughs)
(Dickie) New game. Waistlines.
Malcolm?
(Malcolm) Fantastic weekend, Dickie.
Flattery will get you nowhere
but some fresh powder and a couple of
tasty chalet tarts will get you 40 mill.
- Dad, wait.
- Forgotten your hair-care products?
Actually, I was thinking about staying
a couple more days if it's OK.
Hey, do your thing.
Back for the weekend, obviously?
Yeah, of course.
I'll see you guys soon.
There's, like, 400 euros here.
Should think so too. Bloody perverts.
Jonny didn't ask us
to pay him back for...
Thanks for reminding me.
(clears throat)
- (Georgie laughs)
- Oh, and you. Yes.
OK, so that you can earn yours back,
I want to hire you.
Not like that.
- Need a hand? The meter's running.
- No.
That's three euros right there.
Well, it's your money.
Actually, it's mine now. Again.
Show me what's so great
about boarding. Let's get gnarled.
- Gnarly.
- Whatever. Sick, phat, ill.
You sound like a doctor.
- Holy shit, I'm a natural.
- Shut up, snoogles.
(Jonny) Move back into position.
- (Jonny) Watch this one.
- (Kim) Now concentrate.
- (Jonny) OK.
- Idiot.
I think you mean, "Concentrate, please,
valued paying customer."
- (Jonny) Oops.
- Owl
- OK, that was an accident.
- I'm not going to be your bit of fun.
- (Kim) Go on, then.
- Yes, yes, yes.
(Kim) Come on, loser.
I'll show you how it's done.
Yes!
(Kim)
So you have a pretty rough life, huh?
- (Jonny) Hideous, isn't it?
-I don't know how you stand it.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I've heard that having loads of money
can be a real let-down.
You think I could do
anything I want to?
Truth is, my dad's been saving a place
for me on the board since I was two
and my mother won't be happy
until I've married Chloe
and have nine children
with perfect teeth.
They've got it all planned out for me
and I'm, like,
"This is it? This is my life?"
No, nice try, but not quite.
Oh, angst. The rich kid's alternative
to real problems.
Sarcasm. The chalet girl's alternative
to real humour. I know I'm lucky...
"But I'm stuck in this caged existence
of vintage champagne
and luxury ski chalets
when I just want to be a pop star."
Rock star.
- Why don't you just do it, then?
- it's just not that simple.
- What?
- it's nothing.
No, what? Go on.
It's just a bit silly.
My mum always used to say,
"You've got brains in your head,
feet in your shoes."
"You can steer yourself
in any direction you choose."
Clever girl, your mum.
Yeah. We should get going.
(Jonny) Yeah.
(Georgie)
I hope you know what you're doing.
- Excuse me?
- I'm just saying.
The season ends, he goes back
to his world, you go back to yours.
What are you left with?
(scoffs) My world?
Where exactly is that? Pluto?
- No, that's not what I meant.
- Don't judge me by your standards.
You'd rather be with a rich idiot
like Nigel
instead of Mikki
who you are clearly in love with.
- I'm going for a beer.
- There's something you need to know.
I think I'm done
on the friendly advice for now, thanks.
It'd be better
if you just stay out of it, OK?
Do you want to talk about it?
A barman's cheaper than a shrink.
A beer's cheaper than a barman.
- I'm pretty cheap.
- Beer doesn't talk back either.
(Jonny) Hey. Are you OK?
- She told you where I was, then?
- I'm staying out of it.
Look, about us...
Night, Jonny.
What I really came to say was
I booked the helicopter again.
I need someone to serve me lunch.
You are so annoying.
I I feel sweet
J' Do you feel sweet?
.P It's amazing
J' I have no skin,
and I feel everything
.P It's amazing
I I've wanted this for so long
I Now the deed has been done
I We shall rise with the sun
J' Spend our time as one
I Now there is no sin in anything
.P it's life-changing
J' This feeling
J' This feeling
J' This feeling
.P It's amazing
J From now on
J From now on
J We are one
.P It's amazing
J it's in the stars, in the sun
.P it's everywhere, in everyone
I And it will be every day
J From now on
J We are one
.P It's amazing
(Jonny) It's like pass the parcel.
Wh at?
Nothing.
(Kim) Would it freak you out if I said
that was the best day of my life?
OK, maybe not the best,
but certainly top... five.
What is with you people
walking in on me naked?
I think the idea was
you stayed below stairs, young lady.
And you, don't you have
an engagement party to go to?
For a second there
I thought she meant...
Oh.
- I did try to tell you.
- (Kim) it's not hard.
"Did you hear
Jonny proposed to Chloe?"
"No. Thanks for letting me know, chum."
I didn't want to see you get hurt.
Yeah, you just did a spiffing job
all round, didn't you?
She's a chalet girl.
My God, it is such a clich.
I wouldn't have minded so much
if you were discreet
but Bernhardt said you were all over
each other, on the beginner slope!
Bernhardt could learn a few things
about being discreet himself.
Honey, do you realise
what you're risking here?
You have to stop this right now,
or I will.
This isn't Jane Austen, Mum.
Look, when you and Dad met...
Enough, Jonathan.
I just think you can do better.
Well, I don't think
Dad could have done better.
Look, your father and I, we got lucky.
But believe me,
this girl is only after one thing.
Yeah. And it was great.
- Is there a reason you're still here?
- Look, Kim, can we just...
There's a noise. I can't quite...
Oh, that's right, it's a lying bastard.
Yeah. OK.
Erm, well, look, I owe you...
three hours.
(laughs)
Shit.
Kim! Kim, wait! Kim!
Kim!
About 8:30 tomorrow.
I'll cook you a nice tea to celebrate.
- What about the competition?
-I was never going to win.
It's fine. I can come back
and sort you out.
I've lasted three months.
I'm sure I can manage another week.
Dad, I looked online
at your latest order. 24 tins of beans?
Are you giving up
the chance of a lifetime
because I'm eating
too many baked beans?
Someone's got to take care of you.
Oh, no, you don't.
Don't you dare do that, Kimmy.
Don't you put this on me.
This is your decision.
Anyway, since when did my Kimmy
ever say there was no way
she was gonna win something?
I'll tell you something else, Kimberley.
What, William?
It's what she would have wanted.
Hallo. Was bekommst du?
Erm, what do you want?
It's a beautiful spring morning
here in St Anton,
perfect conditions
for the open qualifiers!
Come on! Come on!
(commentator) .ranks with a kicker.
Mixing things up
and finishing off
with a super styley 540
that should see him through
to the weekend's final.
And there it is, a 73!
That sends Hampton through.
Next up, from Finland, Mikki Niemenan!
- That's you, champ.
- Is Georgie out there?
Well, don't think about her.
Think about the run. Only the run.
Be the board.
(start-gate monitor) Go!
(commentated Here he goes,
the Finnish freak now going down,
hammers those rails!
Niemenan
showing some impressive skills.
Switch 50-50, backside 180.
Sweet! Coming up to the booter
where he fell last year.
Hits it, going for broke!
Whoa!
And broke it is!
He's up, but he's going to have
a monster headache in the morning.
- You sure you want this?
- Just do it.
And in the ladies' qualifiers now...
Don't worry, it's legal.
- Better than sex too.
- ..Tara Dakides!
A solid 50-50 on the goalpost. Boom!
She spread some butter on the box!
And a frontside seven lean!
A master class from the master!
The Greek goddess!
Whatever, man! She is awesome!
The Queen of Scream is back!
- Ow!
- Now, last up, strapped in,
trying to follow an amazing run,
newcomer Kim Matthews.
Let's see what she has got!
Drei, zwei, eins. Go!
A front 180 to switch tail, a 180 out!
Textbook awesomeness!
A silky tail press. Nice one, Matthews!
Throwing an indy grab
coming off the box!
And here she goes now,
coming up to the big booter!
(car horn blares)
What's happened there?
She's stopped short
and takes the lame line down.
Kim might have done just enough on the
top section to get into the main event.
Oh, no. 59, just outside qualification.
Kim will be back on finals day,
but she'll have to wait and see
if she gets a ride.
I came 21 st. Yay!
That's great. How many qualify?
The top 20. So, suddenly, not so yay.
I am first reserve though.
- I get a chance if someone pulls out.
- You gave it your best shot though.
(door opens)
- Dad, I've got to go.
- OK, bye.
Bye.
- (Mikki laughs)
- Finland!
Morphine rules!
It's just ligaments, thank God.
Oh, piss off! Again.
(snoring)
- (willy) Hi.
- (gasps)
So you are the Yeti.
Must be the hair.
Want to talk about it?
No.
It's just something that...
Er...
We were...
We were driving home, and, erm...
I'd just won the London Trials
and... all of us in the car,
me and my mum and dad,
were singing at the top of our voices
and we were all laughing
cos none of us can sing for shit.
And, erm...
Er...
My dad had to swerve, and...
And he skidded off the road.
And my...
My mum was on the side
that got hit, and...
And she died.
My mum died.
I just really miss her.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I always get like this
when I'm around Yetis.
Let's ride.
(Willy) I always tell the mountains
my problems. They're good listeners.
Two minutes. I'm going to go
and tell the caterers.
(man) Jonathan!
Deidre and I would like to say...
Lord and Lady Marberry,
can I get you another drink?
Well, why not? Good to see you.
If you've got to do it, do it now.
He had it the entire time we were there
and I had no idea. Such a surprise.
- Excuse me. Can I have a word?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
What's up?
Wh at?
- What is it?
- Erm...
I have an idea
that I wanted to run by you.
How-How would you feel
if we didn't get married?
How would that sit with you?
- Good idea.
- Really? You're OK with this?
Of course I'm not OK with it.
- Look, I understand it's bad timing.
- Do you really?
Ending a five-year relationship
in the middle of our engagement party?
Yes, I think that constitutes
bad timing!
(room falls silent)
- I'm sorry, I'm...
- An asshole is what you are!
Exactly right. I am.
You're in love with her, aren't you?
Exactly right. I am.
Someday I will probably
thank you for this,
for not going through with it
just to please your mother.
But today...
(all gasp)
Today, it's not quite how I'm feeling.
Here, I got you some ice
for the swelling.
They're gonna blow up.
Come on, let's go.
- And for your next trick...
- You're not upset?
She's lovely, but I trust you.
- Your mother, on the other hand...
- (wine glass tings)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the happy couple.
In the unlikely event
of an emergency landing,
the cabin crew will direct you
to the nearest available exit.
It was like love at first sight.
They were kids,
if you can believe that.
(sighs) OK, baby. Let's get you drunk.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Yeah, laters, babe. Yeah.
Oh, my God!
You guys are never going to believe
what happened to Jonny and Chloe.
Apparently there was this major
showdown at their engagement party.
Hattie says Chloe dumped Jonny
in front of everyone
and Jonny stormed out.
But Pips also tweeted that it was
Jonny who broke up with Chloe
and Chloe just passed out, right there.
Either way,
it was just super-dramatic, right?
Wh at?
I couldn't care less.
Welcome to Channel 419, broadcasting
live from St Anton, Austria.
Let's go to our girl on the scene,
Jasmine Kendal.
So it's finals day here in St Anton,
and one shot is all they get.
Come on, y'all. Let's make some noise!
The Roxy Slopestyle Pro! Whoo!
Come on, let this be the best event in
the history of snowboarding! Let's go!
Whoo!
(man) Good luck, Kim.
I hope you get a ride.
(Kim) Yeah, well, fingers crossed.
Thanks, Gunter.
Whoa, whoa, this area is reserved.
- Well, I'm the reserve.
- Oh, yes?
- Your tick here?
- Does it really matter?
- (Willy) You're not listening.
- (Tara) Enough. I'm doing it already.
Thanks.
(commentator)
By my count, nice. That's an 84!
Bethany Loux, getting high!
She's looking good!
Uh-oh, that bump's gonna cost her.
Halfway through the competition now,
and this thing is still wide open.
What's this? A front flip! Yes!
Awesome-tacularl
Some major amplitude on that hit! Sick!
Deep in the final stages.
It is getting tense!
Oh. And a super-smooth 720.
That takes Kjersti Buaas
into top spot!
Final three competitors
to the gate, please.
Howson, Beal and... Dakides.
You see, you must have a system
or else everything fails.
Now, my friend, my work here is done.
- Hey.
- Just wanted to say good luck.
Thanks.
Hey, you killed it in qualifying,
you know that?
- Up to the point where I screwed up.
- Yeah. Up until then.
(Willy) OK, Tara, it's ready.
- Well, I'll leave you to it.
- Thanks.
Pretty near perfect yesterday, babe.
What's left to prove?
Hey, Kim. Come back.
- You're riding.
- But no one's dropped out.
Try not to screw up this time, huh?
Hey, clipboard guy. I'm pulling out.
I gave my bib to Kim.
- Last up, lead qualifier...
- Hold on.
Wait... I'm being told that
Tara Dakides has had to pull out.
Her place is being taken
by Kim Matthews from the UK.
(yells)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- (Kim) Channel 419.
I'm on. Now.
Ready?
J' Oh, take these storms away,
start a brand-new story
J' I'll make it through each day,
singing death or glory
- I Lord won't answer me
- Drei...
- J' I won't let it bring me down
- Zwei, eins...
Go!
What channel? Now?
Cheers, Bill. Les!
(commentator)
Kim 's coming up to the table.
- Come on.
- I Hold on
I Hold on
On the goalpost,
backside boardslide. Nice!
Yes!
Now what has she saved up for last?
J Hold on, hold on
I Where we belong
J My heart, my song
J We stand alone
I Where we belong
(commentator) Switch rodeo 900!
She is so sweet, my teeth hurt!
Yes!
Hey, whoa! Let's stay professional!
I'm her agent. All offers to me!
Ow. Ooh. Ow.
You were amazing, Betty.
Pull your chequebooks and follow me.
(Georgie) She's my friend!
I saw her first!
(all shriek)
(Jonny) Congratulations.
So I guess your hourly rate
just shot through the roof.
Oh, right. It's the lying bastard.
- Technically, I never lied to you.
- Withholding-the-truth bastard.
You hurt me, you know.
Look...
I'm sorry. I really am.
You know it's over...
Things are gonna have to change
now I'm a global snowboarding megastar.
You're right. You're completely
out of my league.
(Kim) Hm-hmm.
It would be really awkward
if I was always paying for everything.
I could be a kept man.
(Kim) Come here!
I've never kissed a girl
in a helmet before.
Safety first.
(Jonny) Oh, God.
We don't have a license for that stuff!
Alright.
Kim, come up here and get your prize!
That was so beautiful.
Georgie, from the moment
I laid eyes on you,
I knew that one day
we would be together
and now seeing you here I...
Shitballs.
How about you?
Want to catch a gondola?
- OK.
- Really?
And in first place, winning $25,000,
please welcome to the podium
Kim Matthews!
(crowd roars)
(commentated What a future
this girl has ahead of her! Amazing!
.P You say everything 's alright
.P I say nothing can go right, yeah
J' Oh, what a game you can play
J' Sad days add to confusion
J' Sad ways end in delusion, yeah
.P That's the name of the game
.P Well, I know your love is rough
I And the road you take is tough
I But I just can't get enough
I Chequered love
- Erm...
- I'm trying a bit of the old gourmet.
(laughs)
Oh, yeah? Who's the lucky lady?
You are?
I mean, only if you want to.
I mean, I only said that
cos I thought it sounded cool.
- I finish work at six.
- Six is good.
See you at six, then.
.P Well, I know your love is rough
I And the road you take is tough
I But I just can't get enough
I Chequered love
(presented Kim, this is big.
You know, pro snowboarder,
sponsorship deals all over the place.
And you totally rocked up
with some hot guy.
- So that's brilliant.
- He just keeps following me around.
If you want me to take him off your
hands, that is something I could do.
Yeah. We could sort of share him.
I Chequered love
.P You say everything 's alright
.P I say nothing can go right, yeah
J' Oh, what a game you can play
- (Jules) Oh! Nigel!
- (Nigel groans)
(Nigel) Jules, we did it!
It's under 90 seconds!
(Jules) Well done, babes.
J' Oh, I can't let go
.P Cos I need you so tonight
Whoo-hoo!
- Oh
- (laughter)
I Chequered love
(man) Action.
- This is your fault.
- You are welcome.
(glass smashes)
- Oh.
- (beep)
- What a wild kickflip wallplant!
It takes me back to my boarding days.
Funny. Cos I feel like
the only boarding you did
was with Charlie and Henry
and the horrid biscuit game.
Oh, OK, yeah, fair point.
The competition has been amazing.
The girls have been great.
But the one everyone is talking about,
Kim Matthews, is still missing.
We've actually got some footage of her
as an early skateboarding prodigy.
Kim started competing
when she was seven.
She won the National
Mixed Under-16s
when she was just 11 years old.
I mean, attractive girl even then.
- Really? Because I said 11.
- Yeah, objectively.
(woman) Two years ago, aged 17,
she won the London Trials.
(man) Mum and Dad supported her
with parental pride
and simplistic homemade signs.
Then nothing. We haven't seen her since.
(woman) There was an accident, Rick.
The car crash, when she lost her mum.
We're thinking of you, Kim.
Wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, we hope
you're riding high and living the dream.
(man on PA) And todayk special:
two for one on onion rings.
Onion rings, two for one.
Please don't push.
- (Dad) I thought it was junk mail.
- (Kim) Big red letters.
"Notjunk mail."
It says "Urgent Demand" on it.
- They always say that. it's hardly...
- it's nearly a grand.
Dad, you can'tjust ignore it.
But, hey, we're big hitters, right?
We'll just sell the Bentley.
Oh, no, someone's stolen the Bentley.
Plan B?
They're bluffing.
I'll think of something.
How are you getting on?
No. Nothing yet.
- I'll talk to Les. Sort something out.
- What would I do without you?
Fester.
Hmm!
My rota is... full.
Maybe if you're extra nice to me? Hmm?
Oh, Les, don't be a cock all your life.
(Les on PA) That's your extra nice?
How did my summerjob
become the rest-of-my life job?
A friend of my cousin's
just got into this well-good scam.
Catering agencies. Serving champagne
and tiny food to toffs. 12.50 an hour.
Hmm. Toffs and champagne
or Les and... Urgh.
I can get the number if you want.
You gotta be posh, though.
Posh? Trace, I can do posh.
- Hi, I'm Arabella.
- I'm Henrietta.
- Isabella.
- Petronella.
Kim.
White wine? Yes.
Red wine?
Yes.
Dessert wine?
No.
I ls it true what they say
about posh girls?
I ls it true what they say
about posh girls?
(crash)
(Kim) shit.
You're a lovely girl,
but I'm just not sure.
Let me try. You're just not sure
I'm the right kind of girl
for your clients.
It's hard to say why exactly,
but it's probably to do with the fact
that I'm not called Arabella
or Isabella or anything-bella.
I don't have hundred-quid highlights,
perfect nails
or, I'm just guessing here,
expensively trimmed pubes.
So even though I'm the only person
with actual experience of actual work
in the actual real world,
and you know
I'd try really, really hard,
I'm just not the right kind of girl.
- Is that about the size of it?
- About there, yes.
(Vivaldi 3 "Four Seasons" ringtone)
This is Bella.
She did what?
Oh, for God's sake, the silly cow.
Yes, it's the day after tomorrow.
Everyone's booked out.
Wait there,
er,... Kim.
- (Dad) It sounds great.
- I said no.
- What was the job?
- Cooking and cleaning.
Same as I do at work.
Same as I do here.
- Was the pay rubbish?
- No, it's better. Double, plus tips.
But... But still...
But still what?
It's in a ski chalet. In Austria.
For four months.
- Right. Well, I'm sure I could...
- You couldn't.
I'd come home and find a skeleton
on the couch holding the remote.
That's a bit harsh.
- Totally the right decision.
- You think so?
Yeah. What's a luxury chalet with hot,
rich clients in a beautiful ski resort
got on this place? it's a no-brainer.
- Oi, I found this toenail in my...
- Don't even try.
See? Would you get that kind of
quality entertainment in Austria?
I don't think so.
Hi, it's Kim Matthews from yesterday.
I was wondering if you're still...
(Bella) Still desperately seeking
a chalet girl? Yes, I am.
- You are?
- Could you do it?
You have to be there tomorrow.
It's ten hours on the overnight train.
(Kim) Right. I'm making freezer food
to last until April.
You know how the microwave works?
(Dad) It's a magnetron
that converts electricity...
- (Kim) No, no, no. Like on, off?
- (Dad) Yeah, yeah.
What am I doing? I'm packing you off
to some mountainous wasteland,
while I'm stuck here looking for a job.
(Kim) it'll happen,
as long as you keep trying.
- (Dad) But you're only 19.
- (Kim) Exactly! I'm 19.
Lt% Austria. Hardly a wasteland.
(Dad) Austria. Famous for
"The Sound of Music", breaded food
and the invention of psychoanalysis.
You join the dots.
(Kim) You Te such a freak.
No wonder nobody will hire you.
- And you won't forget to have a bath?
- (Dad) Every month.
(Kim) I give up.
And what exactly am I
supposed to do with this?
- What is it?
- You can't live on beans on toast.
We won two world wars
and one World Cup on beans on toast,
so don't knock 'em.
I've set it up online,
so you'll get a delivery every week.
Lexi, this is my health-freak dad, Bill.
Bill, this is Lexi.
I'm trusting you to keep him alive
till I get back, OK?
- (car horn beeps)
- Shit.
My pay goes into the mortgage account.
I'll send any tips back.
Any envelopes...
Big red letters. I know.
Now hurry up, you'll miss your train.
- Maybe this isn't a great idea.
- Go, now.
- I love you, Kimberley.
-I love you, William.
Bye, Dad.
- See you later. Auf Wiedersehen.
- (door shuts)
(yodelling)
Oh, my God, I'm never doing that again!
I can't remember the whole night.
Honestly.
Oh, my God, did you see that guy
staring at my tits the whole night?
It was so awkward.
He was such a perv. And he had a hairy
chest and everything. Can you imagine?
(laughs) Yeah.
Can I call you back, babes?
- Seriously?
- Yep.
OK, let's go. Put your bags
in the back and get in.
Shit.
(Kim) Oh, my God, they're huge.
Yeah, they're mountains.
Huge is part of the concept.
You don't even ski, do you?
What are you doing here?
- it's a job. I need to earn money.
- Earn? What, as in, like, "save"?
(toots horn)
- Oh.
- Thought I recognised that arse.
- Alright, ugly. You coming out?
- Yeah. Just dumping the new girl off.
- The new girl! Let me see.
- Kim, Jules. Jules, Kim.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'll see you later, babes.
- See you later, babes.
(Kim) it's a bit poky, isn't it?
So is this guy
head of some evil criminal empire?
- He's a banker.
- That's a yes, then.
- You don't get it, do you?
- Get what?
This is the best job in the Alps.
They use the place to entertain clients
plus a few family weekends.
Apart from that,
they're hardly ever here.
I had 30 girls texting me after Milly
broke her leg, begging me for the job.
But the agency said it had to be
someone they'd seen.
You know what's really funny is,
I wasn't going to take it at first.
OK, maybe not really funny but...
Do what I tell you and if
you're not up to it, I will tell them.
Listen, a week ago I was
mopping up puke in a burger bar.
No, you listen, little Miss Essex
no-coat, non-skiing freak show.
I'm not actually from...
The Madsens fly in at five.
They expect perfection from the start.
Now, if you screw up or, more
importantly, if you make me look bad,
then clearing up puke will be a fond
memory of the good old days. Got it?
Oh!
Got it.
So I'll just make myself at home, then.
J' Farmer in my own farm
I In, out and far
I From the high ceilings
(yodelling on TW
- Look out!
- Hey!
(man shouts / children laugh)
(tutS)
it's a total nightmare.
It's not like you've got to spend
the next four months
sharing a room with her.
- Oh, no, wait, you have.
- I'm serious, babes.
It's like she's never seen snow before.
it's like she's from Africa.
A chalet girl who can't ski.
That's classic.
- Tell me about it. Later, babes.
- Later, babes.
The three golden rules
of chalet-girling.
One, no friends up in the chalet.
Two, party all you like, as long as
breakfast is on the table at eight.
- You oversleep, you pack your bags.
- Friends, breakfast, check.
Three, no sleeping with the clients.
Unless they're fit. Or minted.
Or hitting on you.
- Basically, there's only two rules.
- Basically, yeah.
We're just going to get
the essentials for now.
Right, so shall I go and get the veg?
Six tins of caviar, please. Beluga.
Caviar, right. Of course.
I'm more front-of-house type,
you're more back office.
Because I know how to talk to them.
Yeah, I don't speak much posh.
Dropped it after GCSEs.
- Do you want to prep the veg?
-I live to prep veg.
Right, carrots,
we've got a big game coming up.
I want to see each and every one of you
giving 110 per cent.
Are you done?
Yeah. I thought you said
they landed at five.
I did. But the pilot called.
They ran into some headwind.
Oh, right... The who called?
- (girl) God, he's here already.
- (Kim) Who?
(girl) The owners' all-round ski guide,
fixer and gimp.
Kim, meet the very handsome,
very powerful Bernhardt.
- You're late.
- Did I mention very charming too?
- Is this the new Hausmdchen?
- Hi.
Hey, welcome!
- So, who is everyone?
- Oh, you'll figure it out.
You know, you're going to have to stop
being so helpful all the time.
Rule three. Anyway, he's taken.
- Turned you down, did he?
- No.
So, what's the deal?
How do I, you know, talk to them?
You don't talk to them.
You don't look them directly in the eye.
- And curtsey when you meet them.
- Oh.
- Alright, needle cock?
- You old slapper.
- You OK down there?
- Yeah, yeah, just... stretching.
- Right. Is this the new helper?
- Er, something like that.
Hi, rm Kim.
Jonny. And I don't actually have
a needle cock.
- He did when he was ten.
- Hey.
I'm so excited to be back! Hi!
- Hey, Chloe.
- How are you?
- This is Milly's replacement, Kate.
- Kim.
This heartbreaker is her brother Nigel.
- Nigel. The famous Nigel.
- He really does have a tiny cock.
Hey, it's not what you got,
it's about where you put it in...
Please ignore him.
This is my dad Richard,
"Call me Dickie."
Are you following this?
- Dad, this is Kim.
- Call me Dickie.
Thank you for stepping in.
Just do whatever Georgie does.
Except that thing with her chin.
- We liked that, didn't we?
- That was a one-off.
- Speaking of one-offs...
- Hey!
Hello.
This is my wife Caroline.
Who apparently has a throat infection.
- Help us with the bags?
- Ah, yes.
- Ahem.
- Give her a chance.
I didn't say anything.
(Georgie) And lovingly topped off
with gravy, Ia me.
Back office.
Wouldn't want to steal your thunder
with the sprouts.
Oh, brilliant. Look at that!
(all exclaim)
Ibble dibble number one, with 12 ibble
dibbles calls ibble dibble number...
There. Right there.
Mmm! I want to be a profiterole.
So these guys fly in on a private jet
and their idea of fun is rubbing
a burnt cork on each ether's faces?
That's insane.
Sanity's overrated.
Tried it once, didn't get it.
Join in. We don't bite.
Well, my mum bites a bit. The rest of us
just nibble ibble dibble...
Talking crap.
- You! it's time.
- No, there's absolutely no way.
- Yes! Yes!
-I don't want to!
Georgie! Georgie! Georgie! Georgie!
OK, OK.
Hark! The Herald.
Ooh.
(makes farting sounds to tune of
"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'Q
(mimics beatbox)
- Go, go, go.
- (Chloe) Oh, Nigel.
(Dickie) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See now, this is my idea of fun.
You should join in.
(all) J' Hark! The herald angels sing
Unfortunately I'm only grade one
at... whatever that is.
Yeah!
- You eating alright?
- Five a day. How's it going?
- It's fine.
- What are the people like?
- (excited shrieking)
- They're...
Who wants more champagne?
..fine.
If it doesn't work out, I can
always nick one of their paintings.
- (beeping)
- What's that noise?
Oh, nothing, er...
No, it's next door.
There's a truck reversing,
I think.
Listen, Kimmy,
I really miss you, you know?
I know, Dad. Me too.
(Kim) Georgie? Georgie?
It's seven.
(Georgie groans)
Rule two?
- Is this caviar?
- Sure looks like it.
Well, dig in, everyone,
and enjoy your $300 omelettes.
Jesus, Kim. You have to wake me.
I don't need you making me look bad.
- No kidding.
- (shrieks)
So what am I supposed
to do all day, then?
I don't know. I'm sure
you'll find something. Look around.
Oh, shit.
Wait! Stop!
- Georgie, this cake is supreme.
- Thank you, Jonny.
(Nigel) Hm-hmm! Sure is.
- This place is so magical.
- It is when you're here.
Enjoy it. You won't ski this much
when you're starting a family.
- Do I get a say in any of this?
- No, snoogles, you don't.
I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this.
Do I look like a grandfather?
- Don't answer that!
- (Chloe laughs)
Thank you. Ooh.
(shrieks)
That's hot!
I Angels watching over me
with smiles upon their face
J' Cos I have made it through this far
in an unforgiving place
J' it feels sometimes this hill's
too steep for a girl like me to climb
I But I must knock those thoughts
right down
I I'll do it in my own time
J I don't care
I I?n halfway there
J On a road that leads me
straight to who knows where
(yells)
You crazy freak!
Watch where you're going!
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Stay safe, Betty Boop.
Hang outside on the ripside!
- Yeah, and in English?
- Hang outside on the ripside.
Ciao!
.P I tell you what
I What I have found
I That I?n no fool
J I'm just upside down
I Ain 't got no cares
I I ain 't got no rules
J' I think I like
I Living upside down
I You gotta slow it down
- (yells)
- J' But then you pick it up
J' Come on and try a little topsy-tun/y
back-to-front the right way round
You blow at boarding.
But you sure are styley.
I'll take it you're not
into pink all-in-ones?
(laughs)
- Mikki. Single guy from Finland.
- Kim. Not interested from England.
- You know the skateboarding?
- A bit.
Same, same, but different.
You want some help?
- Yeah.
- OK, come on, get up.
OK, in skateboarding, weight back.
In snowboarding, weight centred.
OK. Right.
- Knees.
- OK.
Turn with your shoulders,
not the knees.
You're a natural.
It's like skateboarding, huh?
(Kim) Whoo-hoo!
(laughs)
- That was pretty cool.
- That was nothing, Betty.
Let's get high.
UP-
Oh. No, I can't. I'm on the budget tour.
Betty... Follow me.
Hey, look. That's the biggest
snowboarding competition in Tyrol.
Every year I enter,
every year I face-plant.
But this year I rock it!
Hey, we'll enter together.
Why? Because I'm such a pro boarder?
Three months, maybe.
Maybe, maybe not.
Come on. $25,000. it's easy for you.
You're a skateboarder.
I pulled a 360 my first day on a board.
- (Kim) And broke your neck, right?
- (Mikki) No. My leg.
Just so you know,
I've given Jonny your mother's ring.
That's a coincidence. I've given him
one of her dresses. He'll look lovely.
It is not funny.
The marquee is pencilled for June.
It was quite funny.
Didn't you get the message?
You're joining us. Dress up.
I... did.
Don't worry. She made me change too.
Drainpipe jeans and winkle-pickers
aren't very this season apparently.
(Chloe) You were never a style guru.
(Jonny) I was.
Lippy.
Liner.
Lashes.
Accessories.
I want those back.
And... hair gum. Use sparingly.
Hair gum?
And like that, she became a swan.
So I used to be an ugly duckling, then?
Someone needs to learn
how to take a compliment.
- Ah, it all makes sense now.
- Yeah. I'm just back office.
- It's a shoelace.
- Er, it's bow tie.
No, it's a shoelace knot. Come here.
Didn't think you'd be the kind of girl
who knew how to tie a bow tie.
And here's me thinking
you were the kind of boy who would.
Big night for you, then?
There.
Licensed to kill.
- Or be killed.
- (laughs)
(Jonny) Right, who needs a drink?
- Oh, Georgie. What are these?
- Mini-burgers. Don't blame me.
They are sensational.
- Trying to get me drunk?
- Just helping you on your way.
Greasing your nuts, as it were.
- Rule three?
- Oh, shut up.
What are you grinning at?
Nothing. Just think
I'm starting to get the hang of this.
The cake's on the oven. The beef
is nearly done. And the mousse has set.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow. Did you hear what...
- Yeah, don't get used to it.
Get a fresh one of these.
Such responsibility.
Do I get a performance star?
- What?
- Doesn't matter.
Chloe, you look wonderful.
Oh, look. Looks like the new girl's
putting on pre-dinner entertainment.
Oh, dear, stand back.
Kim, wait. Kim...
(Caroline) What a waste. That's vintage.
Doctor's orders. The good news is,
you've already got the headache,
so you can drink as much as you like.
- I should go and help Georgie.
- I wouldn't worry.
- I think Nigel has her covered.
- Thanks.
- Hit the spot.
- Yeah, it should. '62 Dom.
- Dom?
- It's 500 quid a bottle.
next time.
Why am I here?
I'm stuck in a parallel reality
where people drink my monthly salary
every ten minutes.
You're right. We're aliens.
My mother has a tail. Did you see it?
Your mum is the scariest woman
I've ever met.
You want to know how she met
my dad? Air stewardess. Concorde.
Your dad was an air stewardess?
She's not that scary.
Well, look, I should be getting back.
Yeah, of course. Thanks for the Dom.
Yeah.
(Jonny) Can we talk about this later?
(Caroline)
She won't wait forever, Jonny.
(sighs) I feel so sorry for her.
See?
- Thank you.
- Everything alright?
Yeah, everything's fine.
We'll be back out in February.
See if you can figure out the whole
champagne-bottle thing by then.
- Yep, I will practise daily.
- Knock yourself out.
Trying to shake your hand,
punch you in the stomach. Not cool.
So, I'll put the photos on Facebook.
Well,... poke me.
Right. OK, girls.
This is for all your hard work.
Thank you so much.
And, Kim, you know you get
a lift pass too, don't you?
Just charge it to the chalet.
Unless you'd prefer the cash.
- Lift pass would be great.
- OK.
- Alright, let's go.
- It's a private plane. It can wait.
- It will. I won't.
- Desperate to get back to work.
OK, maybe I'll quit,
and next time we can hitchhike here.
A father-son adventure.
I like the sound of that. Bye.
- "Poke me"?
- Piss off.
Slut.
- 200-euro tip for one week?
- (microwave pings)
Are you sure you're just cooking?
I'll put it in the bank when I can.
You OK?
- Yeah. Solid.
- Huh?
I mean sound, yeah.
- Don't let them work you too hard.
- I won't.
(Kim) Right, Finland, let's do this.
Where do we start?
Well, in slopestyle, you are scored
on your tricks on the rails,
and the jump you pull at the end.
- You smell me?
- Yes, I smell you. Unfortunately.
Think about the run. Only the run.
Be the board.
Let's get tricky with Mikki!
(yells)
(whoops)
Right, come on, Kim.
(yells)
(whoops)
Yes! (whoops)
- Hey.
- Hey.
You do realise you're riding a beginner
board from, like, the 16th century?
I thought the 16th century
was the golden age of snowboarding.
Go to the rental shop
and pick yourself up a park board.
You'll have more fun on that, trust me.
And ask for Willy. Tell him
Tara sent you. He'll hook you up.
Stay safe out there.
Thanks.
Kann ich dir helfen?
Oh, I'm just looking, thanks.
Rentals are only 80 euros a week,
and half-price for staff.
Well, I'm staff. And actually,
Tara told me to come by.
OK, fine. 30.
Freestyle board, boots and helmet.
You get top end for that.
Cool. Deal.
J For such a long time
J We've been standing in line
.P And it's been so long
Whoo!
- Georgie!
- Hey!
Check it out! That's your buddy, Kim.
Whoo!
I thought you said she hadn't been
in the mountains before.
She hadn't.
I Far away with me
J You will never know
(Dad) Hey, Kimmy.
I've got my first interview tomorrow.
And, well, I'm being a good boy and
going through the statements, but I saw
that tip money hasn't gone in.
it's probably their fault
but I just thought I'd let you know.
And, hey, Kimmy, aubergines. Whoo!
My new favourite food. Who knew?
Alright, Kimmy, love you.
(alarm clock beeps)
- Didn't hear you get up.
- I haven't.
Level nine! Yeah, baby.
You really think
you're going to win that pro?
N-N-No.
(Bernhardt) Hallo!
Abend. Friulein.
- Hey, Bernie.
- What's with the towel, Bernie?
My name is Bernhardt. Mr Madsen,
he asked me to test the hot tub.
- Did he now?
- Jawohl.
There is, you must know,
room for more than just one.
That is so funny,
because Kim and I were just saying
how much we would love
to share a hot tub with Bernhardt.
- For sure?
- Yeah.
But the problem is,
we don't have our swimsuits.
Who needs swimsuits?
Yeah, Kim, who needs swimsuits?
You are so right.
Maybe when we're out there
you could give me a back rub.
And then we can, like,
frolic naked in the snow!
Yeah.
Ah! I understand.
The famous English humour.
I forget.
(yells)
Stop snowing!
I You cannot change this
J We are not going back
I Yeah
Yes!
(phone beeps)
it's your birthday?
What makes you think that?
You want to look at anything else?
Bank statements, knicker drawer?
- Bertie's. Now.
- I'm can't, I'm saving.
I thought you were
just about to win $25,000.
I don't think you need to save.
Come on.
No, Georgie. I'm not going.
Betty in the house!
You owe me ten euros, G.
She bet me you'd never come in.
She says you were too much of a...
How you say? Chav? What is a chav?
Yeah, Georgie, what is a chav?
I didn't... His English is awful.
Buy yourself some vegetables.
Hey, Willy. This is Kim.
We already met. Tara says
you look sweet on the freestyle.
Do you know who that is?
- Yeah. It's Tara.
- Tara Dakides!
She won, like,
First chick in the world
to pull a backside rodeo, right, Willy?
Broke her back
in three places learning it.
Now she needs a painkiller
every time she rides.
- Insane. What is she doing here?
- The Roxy. Her big comeback.
She reckons this girl has game.
(laughs)
I taught her everything she knows!
- Alright.
- (Georgie) Yeah.
Happy birthday! Blow out your candles!
Whoo-hoo!
(yells)
(rock music)
J' Come away with me,
far away with me
I You will never know until you go
J' When will you go?
J' Fly away with me,
just leave the gravity
.P it's all just for show
J' When will you go?
I Just let go
J For such a long time
J We've been standing in line
I it% been so long
- it's just a few. Come on.
- But it's rule number one.
The night is young, and so are we.
Just a few.
(loud music)
- This is your fault.
- You are welcome.
Oh, come on!
(yells)
- Little Finnish lunatic.
- How long have you been together?
- Oh, we're not together.
- My balls are ice cream!
(girls shriek)
Argh. (laughs nen/ously)
Chillout.
Chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out!
(cheers)
Chill out, chill out, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill out!
(others stop chanting)
You here all season?
- Jimmy's going home.
- Don't tempt me.
There's a broken coffee table in
the hall, the speaker system is kaput,
and vomit on the yucca plant.
(sighs) Excellent work, girls.
Just as long as nobody painted
a comedy moustache on the...
OK, look, just clean up the mess,
I'll replace the kit,
you pay me back later.
We'll take it out of your tips.
- But what's happened...
- They don't need to know.
I don't understand why they would
do this if they knew we were coming.
- You told them, right?
- Ja, sicher.
Jawohl. I say Mr Jonny come early
because of the good snow.
- No, no, no, he didn't!
- You didn't!
-I did.
- Awesome sauna, bro.
OK, erm... You do not get
to call me needle cock ever again.
And you, next time you have a birthday
party, do it at your own house.
Yeah, yeah, a few rounds of Twister,
a couple of games of gin rummy
and we're away.
- Great.
- Pop round if you're in the area.
- Maybe I will.
- Cool.
Er, breakfast at eight. OK?
Better luck next time, Scheisskopt
- Kim?
- Georgie?
You're really going to have
to win that competition now.
- Yep.
- (both laugh)
Come on, babes.
First day of the season.
See you later. Try not to organise
any mass raves while we're out.
I I?n not Mr Muscle but I can
be loathsome and I can hustle you
Look, Dad. I'll speak to you later.
I've really got to go. Love you.
Bye'
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ill
Jesus, have you slept
with half the bloody resort?
- Only the useful half.
-I can be useful.
I I?n not Mr Muscle but I can
be loathsome and I can hustle you
J' I'm not Mr Muscle
but I can be loathsome
Is it true chalet girls
all have sex in gondolas?
Oh, yeah. Non-stop.
We are crazy for it.
Come on, can't people see in?
The windows steam up
if you do it right.
Yep. On this one you only have
- I still think I can do better.
- OK, sister present.
- Check out the fresh tracks.
- (Kim) Wow.
- The Yeti.
- The who?
Not really a Yeti.
Just some local mystery guy.
He's always first to put fresh tracks
down the powder.
- You know he's a guy because...
- Local mystery person.
He, she, they climb through the night,
ski down at dawn. Pretty amazing.
Amazing I weird.
I'd love to have sex in a gondola.
You girls want to come ski with us?
Bernhardt told me about this empty run.
I'm sure they have things
they want to do.
- I'm meeting someone at the snowpark.
- Worried you can't keep up, huh?
- (Georgie scoffs)
- We'll see about that.
(whoops)
(whoops)
(both laugh)
Hey. Over here!
Come on. Your turn to jump.
(car horn blares)
You OK?
Chloe. Chloe, wait!
No, Chloe please don't! Chloe.
(yells / thud)
(yells)
- Does it hurt?
- Of course it f ricking hurts, idiot!
OK, give her some more
of that strong stuff. Yeah.
(Chloe yells)
- I feel bad.
- So you should. It's all your fault.
I'm joking. it's really not.
I'll get her back to London
this afternoon. We know a good surgeon.
I'll back out in a couple of weeks
with some clients.
So I'll see you then, then.
Then.
(Chloe yells)
(men shout) Three! Two! One!
(all cheer)
- I need help.
- Me too.
Taking big jumps, lesson one.
It's complex, so watch close.
(whoops)
Jump into my arms, Betty!
Betty Boop? You there?
- (breathes heavily)
- Betty?
What's wrong?
Betty, jumping is easy.
Landing is the hard bit.
Come on.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
On three. Three!
(yells)
(both laugh)
(yells)
Yeah!
J' Chicken! Pay the chicken back back,
pay the chicken back
I Pay back the chicken back,
do the chicken payback
I Piggy! Pay the piggy back back,
pay the piggy back
J' Pay back the piggy back,
do the piggy payback
J' Monkey! Pay the monkey back back,
pay the monkey back
J' See the monkey, do the monkey,
pay the monkey back
Slamdownl Yes!
- My flying angel!
- Ow!
- Are you really going to go for it?
- Yeah. This girl is a podgy.
- She's a what...?
- Podgy. She's a real podgy.
- (phone rings)
- (Kim) I'm not podgy!
Oh, prodigy.
Hey, Nigel, my sexy beast!
How are you?
Nigel?
Hey, Kim! What's up?
Hey. Hey, Tara, erm...
Just... taking a break.
Well, like they say, if it were easy...
You guys ready? Let's go.
Right, come on, buster.
It's been a long day, Betty.
Take it easy.
(Kim) Hey, watch and learn, my friend!
Betty, wait up! it's too soon!
(car horn blares)
(yells)
Whoa!
(chopping)
I think that's enough carrots.
Why give up now
after you've worked so hard?
- Because I don't feel like it, OK?
- It's just a sprain.
This time. Then next time
I break my neck. Then what?
People die doing this stuff.
- I thought you needed the money.
- I do.
Maybe if I hadn't spent it
renting ski kit
and replacing stupid speakers,
which we haven't paid for yet...
Jesus, Kim,
we're meant to be having fun.
Hello, this is Kim Matthews"s phone.
Leave a message after the tone. Bye!
Cheer up, babe. It might never happen.
It has. It continues to.
Do you know what you need to do?
Drink bleach? Good idea.
Two capfuls. Bucket. Hot water.
You know what they say, don't you?
Tidy kitchen, tidy mind.
I just feel like I'm losing her.
People change. Change is good.
Where's her mum, then?
Sutton Row Cemetery.
Change isn't always good.
Two capfuls?
Yo-ho, snow-ho! (laughs)
- How's your arm?
- it's alright. it's getting there.
The doctor said it'll be fine
in a few days.
Oh. Wow, she can talk to me now,
right?
Now that Captain America
isn't calling her 50 times a day.
I need my training buddy. They started
building the course for the pro.
- You wanna take a sneaky peeky?
- No, I can't.
We've got corporate guests.
Big weekend.
One hour? You've got to do this.
Betty, you on a board,
it's where you're meant to be.
You've got so much talent
it's unfair on the rest of us, so why...
Betty...
Sorry, Mikki. I can't.
Bye.
- Thank you, Kate.
- Dad, her name's Kim.
Where's that one from last year, Dickie?
Really big tits, big arse?
Henry Goodwin?
He went bust, didn't you hear?
- You prick! The chalet girl.
- Milly broke her leg.
- What, skiing?
- Aprs-skiing.
You're too lean for my taste.
We'll have to fatten you up, love.
Yeah, a bit more cushion
for the pushin'.
- They tip well.
- They'd better.
We need Malcolm to come in first.
The others will follow.
- You worry too much.
- You don't worry enough.
- (Malcolm) Dickie, shift your arse!
- Right. Let's get going.
Georgie, you're coming with us
to dish up lunch?
Erm, actually I've come down
with something.
It's like a little tickle.
It's like... (coughs)
Oh. Well, you'd better come,
then, erm...
- Oh, Dad, for God's sake, it's Kim.
- Kim.
No, I should be...
Ow.
Fine. I'll get changed
and get my lift pass.
You don't need a lift pass.
How can you not need a lift pass?
Ah.
You ever been
in one of these things?
Yeah, we got one at home.
This one's pretty small.
- Do we pay extra for irony?
- No, the irony's free.
- It's the sarcasm you're paying for.
- (laughs)
Ironically.
Oh, wow.
- How long have you been on that thing?
- About eight weeks.
Jesus. Dickie...
You can fly back on the bird
if you're not sure.
- She's fine. Trust me.
- I don't want her holding us up.
The global financial meltdown
just happened to other people, right?
I warned you about sub-primes. Greed
is only good when it comes to lunch.
Speaking of which, what is this?
Special Austrian food.
Strudel, nudel and... kniidel.
I wouldn't mind a "canoodle"
with this one in fact.
Right, nearest the pin, lads.
it's 50s in and it's...
I'm going to go 32C.
It's hard to tell. The jumper
might be bulking her up.
Put me down for a 30B.
Miles off. I'm thinking 30D,
the Holy Grail of bra sizes.
Controversial. Go on, Kimmy,
put us out of our misery.
No, Kim, don't answer that.
I'm sorry. I was under the impression
that we were enjoying ourselves.
Unlike most women you know, Malcolm,
Kim keeps her clothes on for a living.
Oh.
It's alright.
You know what they say.
The bigger the chat,
the smaller the chap.
(Dickie laughs)
(Dickie) New game. Waistlines.
Malcolm?
(Malcolm) Fantastic weekend, Dickie.
Flattery will get you nowhere
but some fresh powder and a couple of
tasty chalet tarts will get you 40 mill.
- Dad, wait.
- Forgotten your hair-care products?
Actually, I was thinking about staying
a couple more days if it's OK.
Hey, do your thing.
Back for the weekend, obviously?
Yeah, of course.
I'll see you guys soon.
There's, like, 400 euros here.
Should think so too. Bloody perverts.
Jonny didn't ask us
to pay him back for...
Thanks for reminding me.
(clears throat)
- (Georgie laughs)
- Oh, and you. Yes.
OK, so that you can earn yours back,
I want to hire you.
Not like that.
- Need a hand? The meter's running.
- No.
That's three euros right there.
Well, it's your money.
Actually, it's mine now. Again.
Show me what's so great
about boarding. Let's get gnarled.
- Gnarly.
- Whatever. Sick, phat, ill.
You sound like a doctor.
- Holy shit, I'm a natural.
- Shut up, snoogles.
(Jonny) Move back into position.
- (Jonny) Watch this one.
- (Kim) Now concentrate.
- (Jonny) OK.
- Idiot.
I think you mean, "Concentrate, please,
valued paying customer."
- (Jonny) Oops.
- Owl
- OK, that was an accident.
- I'm not going to be your bit of fun.
- (Kim) Go on, then.
- Yes, yes, yes.
(Kim) Come on, loser.
I'll show you how it's done.
Yes!
(Kim)
So you have a pretty rough life, huh?
- (Jonny) Hideous, isn't it?
-I don't know how you stand it.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I've heard that having loads of money
can be a real let-down.
You think I could do
anything I want to?
Truth is, my dad's been saving a place
for me on the board since I was two
and my mother won't be happy
until I've married Chloe
and have nine children
with perfect teeth.
They've got it all planned out for me
and I'm, like,
"This is it? This is my life?"
No, nice try, but not quite.
Oh, angst. The rich kid's alternative
to real problems.
Sarcasm. The chalet girl's alternative
to real humour. I know I'm lucky...
"But I'm stuck in this caged existence
of vintage champagne
and luxury ski chalets
when I just want to be a pop star."
Rock star.
- Why don't you just do it, then?
- it's just not that simple.
- What?
- it's nothing.
No, what? Go on.
It's just a bit silly.
My mum always used to say,
"You've got brains in your head,
feet in your shoes."
"You can steer yourself
in any direction you choose."
Clever girl, your mum.
Yeah. We should get going.
(Jonny) Yeah.
(Georgie)
I hope you know what you're doing.
- Excuse me?
- I'm just saying.
The season ends, he goes back
to his world, you go back to yours.
What are you left with?
(scoffs) My world?
Where exactly is that? Pluto?
- No, that's not what I meant.
- Don't judge me by your standards.
You'd rather be with a rich idiot
like Nigel
instead of Mikki
who you are clearly in love with.
- I'm going for a beer.
- There's something you need to know.
I think I'm done
on the friendly advice for now, thanks.
It'd be better
if you just stay out of it, OK?
Do you want to talk about it?
A barman's cheaper than a shrink.
A beer's cheaper than a barman.
- I'm pretty cheap.
- Beer doesn't talk back either.
(Jonny) Hey. Are you OK?
- She told you where I was, then?
- I'm staying out of it.
Look, about us...
Night, Jonny.
What I really came to say was
I booked the helicopter again.
I need someone to serve me lunch.
You are so annoying.
I I feel sweet
J' Do you feel sweet?
.P It's amazing
J' I have no skin,
and I feel everything
.P It's amazing
I I've wanted this for so long
I Now the deed has been done
I We shall rise with the sun
J' Spend our time as one
I Now there is no sin in anything
.P it's life-changing
J' This feeling
J' This feeling
J' This feeling
.P It's amazing
J From now on
J From now on
J We are one
.P It's amazing
J it's in the stars, in the sun
.P it's everywhere, in everyone
I And it will be every day
J From now on
J We are one
.P It's amazing
(Jonny) It's like pass the parcel.
Wh at?
Nothing.
(Kim) Would it freak you out if I said
that was the best day of my life?
OK, maybe not the best,
but certainly top... five.
What is with you people
walking in on me naked?
I think the idea was
you stayed below stairs, young lady.
And you, don't you have
an engagement party to go to?
For a second there
I thought she meant...
Oh.
- I did try to tell you.
- (Kim) it's not hard.
"Did you hear
Jonny proposed to Chloe?"
"No. Thanks for letting me know, chum."
I didn't want to see you get hurt.
Yeah, you just did a spiffing job
all round, didn't you?
She's a chalet girl.
My God, it is such a clich.
I wouldn't have minded so much
if you were discreet
but Bernhardt said you were all over
each other, on the beginner slope!
Bernhardt could learn a few things
about being discreet himself.
Honey, do you realise
what you're risking here?
You have to stop this right now,
or I will.
This isn't Jane Austen, Mum.
Look, when you and Dad met...
Enough, Jonathan.
I just think you can do better.
Well, I don't think
Dad could have done better.
Look, your father and I, we got lucky.
But believe me,
this girl is only after one thing.
Yeah. And it was great.
- Is there a reason you're still here?
- Look, Kim, can we just...
There's a noise. I can't quite...
Oh, that's right, it's a lying bastard.
Yeah. OK.
Erm, well, look, I owe you...
three hours.
(laughs)
Shit.
Kim! Kim, wait! Kim!
Kim!
About 8:30 tomorrow.
I'll cook you a nice tea to celebrate.
- What about the competition?
-I was never going to win.
It's fine. I can come back
and sort you out.
I've lasted three months.
I'm sure I can manage another week.
Dad, I looked online
at your latest order. 24 tins of beans?
Are you giving up
the chance of a lifetime
because I'm eating
too many baked beans?
Someone's got to take care of you.
Oh, no, you don't.
Don't you dare do that, Kimmy.
Don't you put this on me.
This is your decision.
Anyway, since when did my Kimmy
ever say there was no way
she was gonna win something?
I'll tell you something else, Kimberley.
What, William?
It's what she would have wanted.
Hallo. Was bekommst du?
Erm, what do you want?
It's a beautiful spring morning
here in St Anton,
perfect conditions
for the open qualifiers!
Come on! Come on!
(commentator) .ranks with a kicker.
Mixing things up
and finishing off
with a super styley 540
that should see him through
to the weekend's final.
And there it is, a 73!
That sends Hampton through.
Next up, from Finland, Mikki Niemenan!
- That's you, champ.
- Is Georgie out there?
Well, don't think about her.
Think about the run. Only the run.
Be the board.
(start-gate monitor) Go!
(commentated Here he goes,
the Finnish freak now going down,
hammers those rails!
Niemenan
showing some impressive skills.
Switch 50-50, backside 180.
Sweet! Coming up to the booter
where he fell last year.
Hits it, going for broke!
Whoa!
And broke it is!
He's up, but he's going to have
a monster headache in the morning.
- You sure you want this?
- Just do it.
And in the ladies' qualifiers now...
Don't worry, it's legal.
- Better than sex too.
- ..Tara Dakides!
A solid 50-50 on the goalpost. Boom!
She spread some butter on the box!
And a frontside seven lean!
A master class from the master!
The Greek goddess!
Whatever, man! She is awesome!
The Queen of Scream is back!
- Ow!
- Now, last up, strapped in,
trying to follow an amazing run,
newcomer Kim Matthews.
Let's see what she has got!
Drei, zwei, eins. Go!
A front 180 to switch tail, a 180 out!
Textbook awesomeness!
A silky tail press. Nice one, Matthews!
Throwing an indy grab
coming off the box!
And here she goes now,
coming up to the big booter!
(car horn blares)
What's happened there?
She's stopped short
and takes the lame line down.
Kim might have done just enough on the
top section to get into the main event.
Oh, no. 59, just outside qualification.
Kim will be back on finals day,
but she'll have to wait and see
if she gets a ride.
I came 21 st. Yay!
That's great. How many qualify?
The top 20. So, suddenly, not so yay.
I am first reserve though.
- I get a chance if someone pulls out.
- You gave it your best shot though.
(door opens)
- Dad, I've got to go.
- OK, bye.
Bye.
- (Mikki laughs)
- Finland!
Morphine rules!
It's just ligaments, thank God.
Oh, piss off! Again.
(snoring)
- (willy) Hi.
- (gasps)
So you are the Yeti.
Must be the hair.
Want to talk about it?
No.
It's just something that...
Er...
We were...
We were driving home, and, erm...
I'd just won the London Trials
and... all of us in the car,
me and my mum and dad,
were singing at the top of our voices
and we were all laughing
cos none of us can sing for shit.
And, erm...
Er...
My dad had to swerve, and...
And he skidded off the road.
And my...
My mum was on the side
that got hit, and...
And she died.
My mum died.
I just really miss her.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I always get like this
when I'm around Yetis.
Let's ride.
(Willy) I always tell the mountains
my problems. They're good listeners.
Two minutes. I'm going to go
and tell the caterers.
(man) Jonathan!
Deidre and I would like to say...
Lord and Lady Marberry,
can I get you another drink?
Well, why not? Good to see you.
If you've got to do it, do it now.
He had it the entire time we were there
and I had no idea. Such a surprise.
- Excuse me. Can I have a word?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
What's up?
Wh at?
- What is it?
- Erm...
I have an idea
that I wanted to run by you.
How-How would you feel
if we didn't get married?
How would that sit with you?
- Good idea.
- Really? You're OK with this?
Of course I'm not OK with it.
- Look, I understand it's bad timing.
- Do you really?
Ending a five-year relationship
in the middle of our engagement party?
Yes, I think that constitutes
bad timing!
(room falls silent)
- I'm sorry, I'm...
- An asshole is what you are!
Exactly right. I am.
You're in love with her, aren't you?
Exactly right. I am.
Someday I will probably
thank you for this,
for not going through with it
just to please your mother.
But today...
(all gasp)
Today, it's not quite how I'm feeling.
Here, I got you some ice
for the swelling.
They're gonna blow up.
Come on, let's go.
- And for your next trick...
- You're not upset?
She's lovely, but I trust you.
- Your mother, on the other hand...
- (wine glass tings)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the happy couple.
In the unlikely event
of an emergency landing,
the cabin crew will direct you
to the nearest available exit.
It was like love at first sight.
They were kids,
if you can believe that.
(sighs) OK, baby. Let's get you drunk.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Yeah, laters, babe. Yeah.
Oh, my God!
You guys are never going to believe
what happened to Jonny and Chloe.
Apparently there was this major
showdown at their engagement party.
Hattie says Chloe dumped Jonny
in front of everyone
and Jonny stormed out.
But Pips also tweeted that it was
Jonny who broke up with Chloe
and Chloe just passed out, right there.
Either way,
it was just super-dramatic, right?
Wh at?
I couldn't care less.
Welcome to Channel 419, broadcasting
live from St Anton, Austria.
Let's go to our girl on the scene,
Jasmine Kendal.
So it's finals day here in St Anton,
and one shot is all they get.
Come on, y'all. Let's make some noise!
The Roxy Slopestyle Pro! Whoo!
Come on, let this be the best event in
the history of snowboarding! Let's go!
Whoo!
(man) Good luck, Kim.
I hope you get a ride.
(Kim) Yeah, well, fingers crossed.
Thanks, Gunter.
Whoa, whoa, this area is reserved.
- Well, I'm the reserve.
- Oh, yes?
- Your tick here?
- Does it really matter?
- (Willy) You're not listening.
- (Tara) Enough. I'm doing it already.
Thanks.
(commentator)
By my count, nice. That's an 84!
Bethany Loux, getting high!
She's looking good!
Uh-oh, that bump's gonna cost her.
Halfway through the competition now,
and this thing is still wide open.
What's this? A front flip! Yes!
Awesome-tacularl
Some major amplitude on that hit! Sick!
Deep in the final stages.
It is getting tense!
Oh. And a super-smooth 720.
That takes Kjersti Buaas
into top spot!
Final three competitors
to the gate, please.
Howson, Beal and... Dakides.
You see, you must have a system
or else everything fails.
Now, my friend, my work here is done.
- Hey.
- Just wanted to say good luck.
Thanks.
Hey, you killed it in qualifying,
you know that?
- Up to the point where I screwed up.
- Yeah. Up until then.
(Willy) OK, Tara, it's ready.
- Well, I'll leave you to it.
- Thanks.
Pretty near perfect yesterday, babe.
What's left to prove?
Hey, Kim. Come back.
- You're riding.
- But no one's dropped out.
Try not to screw up this time, huh?
Hey, clipboard guy. I'm pulling out.
I gave my bib to Kim.
- Last up, lead qualifier...
- Hold on.
Wait... I'm being told that
Tara Dakides has had to pull out.
Her place is being taken
by Kim Matthews from the UK.
(yells)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- (Kim) Channel 419.
I'm on. Now.
Ready?
J' Oh, take these storms away,
start a brand-new story
J' I'll make it through each day,
singing death or glory
- I Lord won't answer me
- Drei...
- J' I won't let it bring me down
- Zwei, eins...
Go!
What channel? Now?
Cheers, Bill. Les!
(commentator)
Kim 's coming up to the table.
- Come on.
- I Hold on
I Hold on
On the goalpost,
backside boardslide. Nice!
Yes!
Now what has she saved up for last?
J Hold on, hold on
I Where we belong
J My heart, my song
J We stand alone
I Where we belong
(commentator) Switch rodeo 900!
She is so sweet, my teeth hurt!
Yes!
Hey, whoa! Let's stay professional!
I'm her agent. All offers to me!
Ow. Ooh. Ow.
You were amazing, Betty.
Pull your chequebooks and follow me.
(Georgie) She's my friend!
I saw her first!
(all shriek)
(Jonny) Congratulations.
So I guess your hourly rate
just shot through the roof.
Oh, right. It's the lying bastard.
- Technically, I never lied to you.
- Withholding-the-truth bastard.
You hurt me, you know.
Look...
I'm sorry. I really am.
You know it's over...
Things are gonna have to change
now I'm a global snowboarding megastar.
You're right. You're completely
out of my league.
(Kim) Hm-hmm.
It would be really awkward
if I was always paying for everything.
I could be a kept man.
(Kim) Come here!
I've never kissed a girl
in a helmet before.
Safety first.
(Jonny) Oh, God.
We don't have a license for that stuff!
Alright.
Kim, come up here and get your prize!
That was so beautiful.
Georgie, from the moment
I laid eyes on you,
I knew that one day
we would be together
and now seeing you here I...
Shitballs.
How about you?
Want to catch a gondola?
- OK.
- Really?
And in first place, winning $25,000,
please welcome to the podium
Kim Matthews!
(crowd roars)
(commentated What a future
this girl has ahead of her! Amazing!
.P You say everything 's alright
.P I say nothing can go right, yeah
J' Oh, what a game you can play
J' Sad days add to confusion
J' Sad ways end in delusion, yeah
.P That's the name of the game
.P Well, I know your love is rough
I And the road you take is tough
I But I just can't get enough
I Chequered love
- Erm...
- I'm trying a bit of the old gourmet.
(laughs)
Oh, yeah? Who's the lucky lady?
You are?
I mean, only if you want to.
I mean, I only said that
cos I thought it sounded cool.
- I finish work at six.
- Six is good.
See you at six, then.
.P Well, I know your love is rough
I And the road you take is tough
I But I just can't get enough
I Chequered love
(presented Kim, this is big.
You know, pro snowboarder,
sponsorship deals all over the place.
And you totally rocked up
with some hot guy.
- So that's brilliant.
- He just keeps following me around.
If you want me to take him off your
hands, that is something I could do.
Yeah. We could sort of share him.
I Chequered love
.P You say everything 's alright
.P I say nothing can go right, yeah
J' Oh, what a game you can play
- (Jules) Oh! Nigel!
- (Nigel groans)
(Nigel) Jules, we did it!
It's under 90 seconds!
(Jules) Well done, babes.
J' Oh, I can't let go
.P Cos I need you so tonight
Whoo-hoo!
- Oh
- (laughter)
I Chequered love
(man) Action.
- This is your fault.
- You are welcome.
(glass smashes)
- Oh.
- (beep)