Chappelle's Home Team - Earthquake: Legendary (2022) Movie Script
1
My first time ever performing
in Atlanta, Georgia.
I was picked up from the airport
by a Black comedian in a Lexus,
which was a rare car
to see a Black dude in,
especially one that told jokes
for a living.
And we went to a comedy club
that he was a part owner in.
This is also a unique experience
in my career.
Now, the guy was a beast.
Onstage and off.
Offstage, this motherfucker rolled
one blunt after another like a master.
And onstage [exhales]
he was like a force of nature.
In fact, he called himself
after a natural disaster.
It is my pleasure to present
to you guys tonight,
the first Netflix special
that I've ever produced
that I'm not in.
Make some noise
for Earthquake in Legendary.
[audience cheering]
["Legendary" playing]
Top of the dome with it
I wrote lyrics
They ain't grossing a million liquid
Don't form an opinion
I'm sort of a genius
Nothing short of a legend
Sort of Tommy Lasorda
The way I'm sorting these pitchers
Pictures, whatever
Fuck it my speech is off
Weekend trippin' to wherever
Only heaven is far
Metaphors in every color
These indelible bars
Jordan 4 seated floorside
Sittin' with Mars
-[mouthing lyrics]
-The only fear is mediocrity
Every time I got a beat
I feel like I don't gotta sleep
You keep praying on your break
I hope you got a sling
Yes, yes. DC, what's happening?
Goddamn right.
Good to be home, goddamn it.
Good to be home.
Southeast DC, that's right.
Ballou High School.
That's what we're talking about.
It's the real DC.
They came to me and said,
"We're gonna do this special.
Where do you want to do it at?"
Could've did it anywhere in the world.
I said, "No, I want to come home.
I want to come home and see how it is."
And goddamn it, I'm feeling good.
I hope y'all feeling good.
I'm feeling good
'cause I got that vaccine.
[laughter]
Yeah. I'm telling you,
I got it when it first came out.
The line was so long,
it looked like they was hiring.
I stood in that motherfucker.
I'm like, "I hope they don't run out."
[laughter]
It looked like they was running out.
There was this old lady,
and she was 89, in front of me.
I just pushed her to the side.
"Come on, Mama, you done lived your life.
You got more problems
than this coronavirus.
You're in a wheelchair with crutches.
You're being selfish right now.
You're supposed to be home somewhere
getting together with the Lord.
You're being real selfish."
You can't tell Black people
you took the shot.
Oh! They look at you
like you done sold out.
[laughter]
"You put that shit in your body?
Ooh, Lord. Mm-mmm.
Oh! Oh, goddamn. Say it ain't so.
Say it ain't so.
How could you do that?"
I said, "The same way you put
that cocaine in your nose.
You ain't got no problem
with that eight ball, motherfucker.
But I'm wrong for trusting Fauci.
You get your drugs from a nigga
in the club in the bathroom."
You see them smoking a blunt
with eight people. Just smoking it.
[coughing] "Ooh!"
Just passing it around.
"You're gonna take that chance.
But I'm wrong for fucking with Fauci."
[laughter]
I've got a cousin.
This motherfucker lives in Michigan.
He done call me and said,
"Quake, I heard bad news."
"What's wrong?" He said, "Man,
I heard you put that poison in your body.
How could you do it?"
I said, "Nigga, you live in Flint.
[laughter, applause]
And you just got out the shower.
You ain't got no problem with
that funky-ass water on your Black ass."
I mean, they ought to be ashamed
of their damned selves.
I mean, you from DC, you done took
more chances than the vaccine.
You know how many women
I done fucked with that had a fever?
I was like, "Ooh, you really is sick.
I thought you ain't want to give me none.
I'ma get you
some Theraflu in the morning."
[sneezes] "God bless you. God bless you."
I just want motherfuckers
to be consistent.
They are-- No, keep that same energy
on all the other symptoms
you've got in your body.
Coronavirus ain't the only shit
that's plaguing our community.
I want you to be on it.
These hypocrites that we got out here--
You got brothers out here been wearing
a mask straight for 18 months.
Ain't seen a dentist in 18 years.
[laughter]
Just be chewing
on the left side of their mouth.
Knowing they can't fuck
with that right tooth.
Brush their teeth in the morning,
sink look like a crime scene.
They be trying to hide evidence
like they on First 48 Hours and shit.
Kids coming in, looking at this,
talking about, "Daddy, let me get
some of them Red Hots you eating."
"I ain't eating no Red Hots."
"You are eating Red Hots!"
Phony-ass.
You know it. Stay consistent.
Be looking all good on the outside.
Jordans on their feet, diamonds
in their ear. Flawless on the outside.
Inside, blood pressure
higher than giraffe pussy.
Type 2, 3, 4, 5 diabetes.
Still standing in line,
trying to get a Popeyes chicken sandwich.
Eat four of them motherfuckers.
"I don't know why I'm dizzy.
I took a Benadryl."
"Benadryl don't help no stroke,
motherfucker.
Everything ain't your allergies, nigga.
Everything ain't your allergies."
Left arm be going numb. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, that mean
it gonna rain this Saturday."
"What the fuck you mean
it's gonna rain this Saturday?
Your arm ain't no weatherman, nigga.
Go see a doctor."
You know who they are.
Got car insurance.
Ain't got no health insurance.
He all at the club,
"Look at my new ride, nigga.
Full coverage, zero deductible."
"What about your liver?"
"Oh, I leave that to Jesus.
[laughter]
He know my heart."
Health is wealth.
If you ain't learned shit
through this pandemic,
that bag don't mean shit
if you ain't got your health.
You know-- You need to know
the status of your health.
And the only way you're gonna know
the status of your health
is get a physical.
Your president, Barack Obama,
put his whole political capital
on the line for Obamacare.
I got Obamacare.
Ain't no way they're gonna put all
these hospitals and urgent cares up there,
and something wrong with my chest,
I'm gonna go home, take a nap
and drink a ginger ale.
[laughs] Somebody gonna see me.
I'm just gonna have to owe you.
When Obamacare came out, nigga,
I was on that shit.
I filled it out. [imitates typing]
Didn't even wait for a policy number.
As soon as they said, "approved," nigga,
I ran straight to the doctor.
"Hey, what you here for?"
"Nigga, I want a full physical."
They're like, "Who your provider?"
I wrote, "Obamacare."
[laughter]
[chuckles] 'Cause that nigga cares.
"Now that I got insurance,
I want every test you got
in this hospital, from A to Z, nigga.
Don't skip none of them.
I want EKG, EGG, pap smear,
I want it all, motherfucker.
And I want ultrasound, mammogram,
father-gram, leg-gram.
An eight ball. That's a half a gram.
I want all my grams, nigga."
But health is wealth.
You will not know the status
of your health unless you get a physical.
Every year, for my birthday,
that is my gift to myself.
We still dying of illnesses
they done already cured in full.
And it's the scariest shit in the world,
because certain people,
you know something's wrong with your body,
but you don't go.
See, me personally, I would hate for
something to be wrong with my damn body
and I never, ever do nothing about it,
and then I just let it go and go.
And then finally be rushed to
the hospital, and the doctor like, "Ooh.
If you'd have got here three weeks ago,
that shit was just in your ear."
[laughter]
"Where's it at now?" "In your foot."
"How long I got?" "Tomorrow."
It's the scariest shit in the world.
I get a physical every year.
This year was no different.
Doctor came in.
I said, "How am I doing, Doc?"
He said, "I got your lab result back.
Everything is looking good.
You just have one minor discrepancy."
I said, "What's that?"
He said, "Your PSA is high."
I said, "What's that?" He said,
"That's the indicator of your prostate.
You being a Black man, prostate cancer
is prevalent in your community.
What I need you to do is go back
and see the reception,
make another appointment, come back.
I'm gonna do a prostate exam
along with your physical.
I'm running behind
about a month and a half.
I should be able to get to see you then."
I'm like, "Fuck that, nigga.
We doing this shit today.
I got Obamacare, nigga.
Put that shit on the bill.
Let's run that shit up
before that Republican-care come."
He said, "You want to do it today?"
I said, "Yeah, I want to do it today."
So I start rolling up my sleeves.
[laughter]
Yeah, he laughed just like that.
He said, "No,
we don't do no prostate exam like that."
I said, "How you do it?"
He said, "We do that with a rectum exam."
I said, "Well, I don't think I got that
on my Obamacare."
[laughter]
[laughs] I said, "I don't think Barack
would do that shit for me."
He said, "Just go in the other room.
There's a gown behind the door.
Take your clothes off, put the gown on and
come back out. We can do the procedure."
I'm gonna tell you all right now,
my people from DC,
I have been rich my whole life.
And I'm not talking about monetarily.
I'm talking about rich of the blessing
of my God.
Been on this earth 58 years.
I have never spent a night in a hospital.
I have never had no surgery.
I ain't never had no broken bones,
other than this wrist right here riding
that raggedy-ass bike my daddy gave me.
So I don't know shit about no hospital.
So when he told me to go take my clothes
off and put the gown on, I did it.
And I put the motherfucker on.
But it was too small. It wouldn't close.
So I stuck my head
behind the door and said,
"Hey, Doc, I need a bigger gown. This
motherfucker ain't going over my stomach."
He said, "No, you've got it on wrong.
Turn it around."
I said, "I'll be damned.
I know I'm wearing this gown right."
'Cause if it's between my dick
and my ass being out,
my dick already understands.
The ass is always covered.
And every part of my body knows that rule.
If I only got one sock, fuck my foot.
That motherfucker going down
the crack of my ass.
And if we doing a rectum exam,
I know I'm wearing this gown right.
'Cause you're gonna have
to lift this bitch and let me know
it's about to go down.
I ain't just gonna leave it open for you
to come in there when you feel like it.
I don't know what kind of
I don't know what kind of patients
you be having
with their head down, ass up,
but I ain't that kind of patient.
I need a head start or a warning.
Ten, nine, eight Oh, shit.
My ass is getting a little chilly.
It must be time for him to do it.
So I knew I had the gown on right,
so I just walked out there,
holding my dick.
I said, "I'm ready."
He said, "I told you. You've got the gown
on wrong. Turn it around."
I said, "I'll be damned." He said,
"Fuck it. Bend down and look over there."
I said, "I don't like how you said that.
You need to take that bass out your voice.
You're a little too angry
to be fucking with my ass right now.
I think we need to reschedule
this appointment.
And if you're gonna keep arguing like this
with me, I need to put my drawers on.
I don't like to argue with no nigga
if I ain't got no drawers on.
You got your drawers on.
Why can't I put my drawers on?"
So I went on and bent back over. "Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
This nigga gonna say, "Stay still."
I said, "Shit.
You better hit this motherfucker
while it's moving. I told you I'm scared.
My leg is shaking 'cause I'm afraid."
So I looked over my shoulder.
This motherfucker
put gel on three fingers.
I jumped the fuck up.
He was like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Let me see what finger
you're gonna use.
Oh, you ain't using that finger
with that fucked-up knuckle.
Trying to put that big-ass knuckle in
my ass, that football knuckle you got.
I ought to whup your ass for trying
to put that motherfucker in me.
Your pinkie you got should be able
to find what you're looking for.
I ought to whup your ass, Doc.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Are you sure this is the only way
you can check my prostate?
'Cause if I go home and I google
and I find there's another test,
I'm gonna come back here
and whup your motherfucking ass
in front of all this equipment."
[laughter]
So I went on and bent back over.
"Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
He lifted up my gown, and I said,
"Oh, shit. It's about to go down."
And he lifted it up and he broke me off.
I was like, "Oh, goddamn it."
He said, "Don't worry. It ain't gonna
take long." I said, "You ain't got long.
Hurry up and find
what you're looking for."
He kept moving his finger
in and out of my ass.
I said, "Fuck it.
Take your finger out of my ass.
If I've got prostate cancer,
leave it in there.
I'm just gonna have to take it up
with the Lord.
But you ain't just gonna
rotate your finger
in and out of my ass
like this no more, sir.
Take your finger out of my ass
immediately, sir.
Stop right now. No means no, sir."
[laughing]
I tried-- I got up.
Nigga tried to fix my goddamn gown.
He gonna take the glove off
all seductively,
one finger at a time.
Gonna look me in the face,
give me a box of tissues,
talking about, "Wipe yourself off.
[laughter]
Pull your drawers up.
Follow me in the other room."
I said, "This nigga has just assaulted me.
I've been raped."
I went and bought me a "Me Too" T-shirt.
[laughter]
I went all to the meeting.
I was like, "Me too, bitches. Me too.
Y'all are gonna hear what happened to me
in that doctor's office.
I've got a story to tell."
I left that doctor's office,
ass just slippery.
[laughter]
Slid all the way to the elevator.
Couldn't even look
another man in the face.
I was like, "He broke me in there!
He broke me in there!"
Seen a gay dude.
I was like, "You're a soldier.
You can take a dick.
I couldn't take a pinkie.
You're a tough one. You're tough."
If you're taking a dick every night, mmm!
These ain't jokes.
And Black people, we done voted Trump out,
but we ain't killed this motherfucker.
He's still alive politically.
White people believe in him
right below Jesus.
Oh, they believe in his ass.
They're just lying to good white folks.
"Stop the steal.
They just stole the vote.
Fraud. Irregularity with voting."
See, Black people, I don't never want
y'all ever to say your votes don't count.
The reason why
they've got all these problems,
changing all-- the Republicans changing
all the goddamn rules for voting,
is 'cause we showed the fuck up.
I tell my white friends all the time:
"If you're gonna lie on Black people,
at least get a lie
that's believable, nigga.
You want the whole world to believe
that niggas went down there
and voted two times?"
We commit a lot of crimes,
but we don't fuck with that paperwork.
But you can't say nothing. You can't tell
a Trump supporter nothing about Trump.
"Oh, yeah, not my Trump, mm-mmm!"
They love motherfucking Trump.
People ask me all the time, "What kind of
woman are you looking for in your life?"
I say, "Nigga, I'm looking
for a woman like a Trump supporter.
No matter what she hears about me,
that bitch don't believe shit."
[laughter]
"I heard he got another woman."
"That's fake news, baby. That's fake news.
Don't listen to them hos.
They're the enemy of the state."
These ain't jokes.
I knew Trump was the pimp of all pimps,
nigga, when he came here
and sent them motherfuckers up here
January 6th.
He told the motherfuckers,
"Meet me here January 6th."
They came up there like he was Moses.
Just stepping. I've never seen
so many RVs, pickup trucks,
white women with no teeth.
They was everywhere.
[laughter]
And then he came out and talked.
Did the speech,
their old motherfucking fearless leader.
"Right now, they're in there,
trying to certify the steal.
You're not doing anything.
They're stealing your vote.
If you allow what happens in there,
you're not gonna have a country.
Now, what we're gonna do, we're gonna
walk down to the Capitol and stop 'em.
I'ma go with you,
and I'ma meet you there."
[chuckles] Trump went home.
That nigga was at the crib, just chilling.
White people was going crazy, nigga.
They was knocking shit over,
whupping police asses,
climbing all on the wall and shit.
I was watching that shit on TV.
All I was wishing is,
"Ooh, I wish I was a Capitol police
working that day."
If I was there, I would have been like
[imitating gunshots]
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy.
These motherfuckers are everywhere.
If you ain't gonna use your gun,
give it to me.
There's that motherfucker
with that Confederate flag."
Click, click, click. [grunts]
Oh, I would have tore their ass up.
I'd have called my boy. "I told you
to be here as a security guard."
[imitating gunshots]
I'm shooting Trump supporters
on the clock.
[laughter]
"Don't punch me out.
I'm gonna do overtime today."
"What's your name, boy?"
"Crispus Attucks."
Believe me, if I was working,
they would have got off them steps.
"Stop the steal!" [imitates gunshots]
"This nigga is serious.
Back up, Billy Bob."
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Trump ain't got no cut.
He ain't give a fuck.
I knew he had no cut when he told
John McCain, "You ain't no war hero."
[chuckles] And they said, "Why?"
"Cause he got captured.
I like soldiers that don't get caught."
John McCain hated that motherfucker
till the day he died.
They say you ain't supposed
to take a grudge to your grave.
John McCain was like, "Fuck that shit."
I'ma tell you something.
If you down for Trump, against Trump,
or even if you are Trump,
you've gotta look yourself in the mirror.
You know you a fucked-up individual
when a nigga
don't want you at his funeral.
They said John McCain's last words
were like, "Tell that nigga not to come."
They said, "What about the Reaper?"
"Mm-mmm! If he comes in the church,
I'ma walk out the casket."
Like, "Damn,
he blocked that nigga like Facebook."
[chuckles]
You can say what you want
to say about John McCain,
but that motherfucker was a war hero.
I'm telling you. That motherfucker
was a prisoner of war, dawg.
He got shot behind enemy lines
fucking with them Viet Cong niggas,
and they fucked John up.
If you want to know
what John McCain went through,
all you've gotta do
is watch the first Rambo.
[laughter]
[chuckles] They pulled his nails out,
put bamboo in his ass.
When you see John McCain,
that nigga walking like this.
He couldn't even salute.
"How you doing?" "Mm-hmm."
[laughter]
They fucked John up.
But what made him a man's man,
do you know John McCain was being tortured
for five years straight?
He could have got out early,
'cause his father was an admiral,
and they was gonna do a prisoner swap,
let him come home early
'cause of who his father was.
They came down to the torture chamber
to John McCain and said,
"Look, we've got some good news for you.
You're gonna be able to go home
and be with your family."
They released him and said,
"Come on. You're going home."
John McCain was like, "I'm not leaving."
"What you mean?"
"I'm not leaving unless you release
all the other soldiers in here with me."
[applause]
They said, "Hell no,"
and went back to whupping his ass. Pow!
[laughter]
I was in the military.
They showed us the tape.
They said, "This is the kind of prisoner
of war you should be if you're captured."
I said, "You might as well let me out,
'cause I'll never do that shit John did.
'Cause if they come to release me,
I'ma look at the rest of the soldiers
like, 'I'll see you later.
God has heard my prayer.
Give me a letter.
I'll give it to your family.
But my Black ass
is getting on this helicopter.
Somebody got to tell
what these Pacquiaos have done to us,
and God has chosen me.
Wouldn't he do it?'"
Hey, this ain't no joke right here.
I don't play with my health.
Your life is the most precious thing
you've got, 'cause life is short, man.
We losing some good-ass people.
Shit. We lost Cicely Tyson, 96 years old.
-Black people talking about "too soon."
-[clapping]
[laughter]
"Who knew?" I said, "I knew."
When she got 88, I said, "Ooh!
You better get your paperwork in order."
"Who knew?" I knew!
When she got 89, I said,
"The Lord looking for you."
"Who knew?" I knew.
When she got 92, I said:
Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King
Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King
When she got 94, I said,
"Don't go to church.
God's gonna say-- When he sees you there,
he's gonna say, 'Since you're here,
stay right here.'"
I see some of y'all want to laugh.
Fuck y'all.
You want to laugh and celebrate
when they make it to 96.
That's when it's time to laugh
and tell jokes.
It ain't funny when you die at 26,
and that's our fucking problem.
I pay my respects all the time.
The one that broke my heart
more than anything
was when we lost Aretha Franklin,
the Queen of Soul.
Tried to pay my respects and watch
the funeral, but that funeral was so long.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go.
[laughter]
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
That funeral was so long,
they turned off my cable.
I said, "This funeral done went through
two billing cycles."
They called me.
"Why didn't you pay your cable bill?"
I said, "I'm still at the funeral.
Let her go."
I've never seen a pastor
preach the whole Bible.
[laughter]
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
I knew we was gonna be there a long time,
'cause the nigga done come out
talking about, "In the beginning."
I said, "The beginning?
What do Adam and Eve
got to do with a funeral?
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
CNN was there.
They was unplugging their shit.
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here.
We've been here for three weeks.
Don Lemon is supposed to be
on TV right now."
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
I knew it was long when Aretha got up
to change dresses.
[laughter]
"I'm gonna wear something different
in the second half of the funeral."
I said, "The second half?
Who has a halftime at a funeral?
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
That funeral was so long, nigga.
They held it in Detroit so long,
by the time she finally did make it
to the pearly gates to get into heaven,
an angel came to the door
and said, "God's gone.
You were supposed to be in here
three weeks ago.
He touched you on the 3rd. It's the 21st.
I know you're the queen,
but he's the king.
You just can't have the Lord
just waiting for you, Aretha.
This is no kind of respect.
You're gonna have to go to hell."
That would be fucked up, though,
if you made it to heaven,
but you fucked around
and got to the gate late.
You know, you look on the board, like,
"Ooh, my name up there. Shit, I made it."
You see some of your boys,
like, "Damn, you ain't get in.
Damn, man. I heard
it's gonna be hot where you going.
Told you to go to Bible study."
You're taking your time.
"Nigga, I got in."
And you get to the gate,
and you see 'em locking.
You're like, "Hold up, nigga, I'm here.
I ain't moving my foot.
I'm supposed to be in there.
You just can't lock a nigga out of here.
What kind of bullshit is this?
You ain't say what time you had to be
at the gate. This is some bullshit."
You be peeping in there.
"Ooh, it look nice in there.
Heaven's everything they say in the Bible.
Uh-uh. Nigga, I'm getting in."
You be like, "Come on, man.
This is bullshit.
I'm on Jesus's list."
You be like, "It real nice in there.
Did my mama make it?
Did she make it into heaven? She did?
Could you tell her I'm out here?
[laughter]
And tell her that angel right there
won't let me in. This is some bullshit."
If your mama came
and seen you was late getting to the gate,
she would cuss your ass out.
"The fuck wrong with you?
Got me using this kind of language.
You were late. Get your ass over there.
You were late getting in."
"I'm sorry. I was on time.
That was the angel.
He hates me and everything."
"Get your ass over there while I go
find Jesus, see can I get you in.
Stand over there with the rest
of them heathens."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
You go back and stand on the side
with everybody else that couldn't get in.
"I think I'm getting in.
My mom been knowing Jesus her whole life.
[laughter]
I know she got a plus-one.
Your mama ain't get in?
She didn't? Not at all?
Man, I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll be-- I'm about to get in there.
I'ma get in.
When I get in there, you want me
to tell somebody you out here?
You don't know nobody that made it?
All the people you know, you don't
know nobody you think made it?
Nobody? That's fucked up.
Oh, here come Jesus with my mama.
I'll see you later, Joel Osteen."
[laughter]
"This is my Bible."
My son just turned 18 years old.
Best day of my life,
because he's one of the trios I have.
I have three kids, and he's the last.
Eighteen years old,
and as a man that's in his 50s,
when you see your kids get 18 years old,
that is your chance
for you to live your life.
-[applause]
-I tell my kids all the time,
"Once you turn 18,
our relationship has changed."
"How is that, Daddy?"
I said, "Let me explain.
I am no longer the provider.
I am the adviser.
So when you've got a problem now, I say,
'This is what I would do if I was you.'
But you was raised right, nigga.
Make good decisions.
Close the door so me
and your future stepmama can get busy."
No, man, when your kids become an adult,
it is your time to capture
the things that you wanted to do
that you sacrificed by raising them.
I tell people all the time,
kids are the most expensive thing
you will ever purchase,
to ever have in your life,
'cause they-- at the maximum,
they are dream killers.
At the minimum, nigga,
they are dream delayers.
'Cause you done put what you wanted to do
to facilitate their growth.
And when they get 18, it's your time
to do the things you need to do,
'cause you're in
the fourth quarter of your life.
But some of y'all don't.
Y'all still be in your kids' lives when
they're 18 as if they was an adolescent.
And I don't blame most of y'all,
because y'all let these kids
around here manipulate you.
Because them kids
throw their guilt on you.
They've been in your life
and seen some of the times
when you was at your lowest point,
and they throw that shit in your face.
They also know there's things you wanted
to do for them that you couldn't do,
and you feel guilty,
and they play that shit on you.
And I'm telling you right now,
from the bottom of my heart,
fuck these kids.
[laughter]
Don't you let these motherfuckers
fuck with you.
I'ma tell you right now. If you did
everything to the best of your ability
to provide for your kids,
you are a great-ass parent.
Don't you let these little motherfuckers
make you feel bad.
I'm telling you right goddamn now.
I wish one of my kids
would tell me I'm not a great-ass father.
I only got one question for 'em:
"If I'm not a great father, nigga,
who are you comparing me to?
Who is this mythological Black man
you think gonna make the sacrifices I did
and all this for you like I did?
Take you to all these activities,
go to your basketball game,
be there for three hours,
and your ass don't even get in the game.
[laughter]
Me and you sitting on the bench.
You could have FaceTimed me this bullshit,
sitting over there
like you're assistant coach and shit.
Since we're comparing,
you ain't a good-ass child.
Almost lost my job fucking with your ass."
Fuck these kids.
These ain't jokes.
I had the time to spend time with my son,
and it made me learn
that our kids are not built like us.
My son don't have no swag.
Zero. Nada. None.
I told him the other day,
"Let's ride, Clyde."
This nigga was like, "Who's Clyde, Daddy?"
"Get your ass in the car."
"I just want to know who Clyde is.
Is he a friend of yours?"
"No, nigga. You're Clyde."
"Mm-mmm. My name's Nathaniel."
"Open your mouth. Let me swab you."
You gotta understand. You can't raise
your kids the way you was raised.
It does not apply. The way we was raised
does not have nothing to do with our kids.
You gotta understand that we are
inner-city parents raising suburban kids,
so all the things we went through
does not apply
to these little, soft motherfuckers
we're dealing with.
You put your hands on your kids,
just one of the ass whuppings
that your mother and father gave you,
put it on your kid,
you'll scar these little,
soft motherfuckers for life.
They can't do it.
I just tried to punish my son.
Sent him to his room.
This nigga writes a suicide note.
He be in there. "Daddy, I don't know
how long I can take this shit.
The walls are coming in on me."
I said, "This nigga
could never go to jail."
He can't even stay in his own room
with an Xbox.
These ain't jokes.
My son got a concussion
from falling in grass.
He was in the hospital for three weeks.
"Hey, what happened to him?"
I said, "He tripped out back."
They ain't built like us.
You buy 'em a bike, you gotta get
a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads.
"You playing football or riding a bike,
motherfucker?"
They're not built like us.
We used to go to the park,
get on the swing set, and wrap the pole.
Let one of these kids go to a swing set
and try to wrap the pole.
Come back, chain around their neck.
[laughter]
[imitates crying]
And you're like,
"Get your ass down from there."
"Why? You said go around"--
"Get your motherfucking ass"
They're not built like us.
Can't leave 'em in the car when it's hot.
[laughter]
Our mother left us in the car
when it was hot.
We were just smart enough
to get the fuck out
and look at the door to see
when she coming out.
"Oh, here she come.
Get back in the car. Get back.
That's right. I was sitting over here.
You're right. You're right.
I was over here. You're right."
Fuck her!
It don't take you no three hours
getting no tuna fish.
Our kids just stay in the car and die.
[grunts]
"Get your ass out of the car!"
"You said, 'Don't get out.'"
"It's 200 degrees, motherfucker."
Die in the car, stupid motherfuckers.
Fuck these kids.
But you ain't got to put
your hands on no kids.
Your kids ain't doing
what they supposed to do,
I've done found their Achilles' heel.
I know exactly what you can get,
how you can get 'em
if they ain't doing what the fuck
they supposed to do.
Found their weakness.
No, it ain't the phone. No.
All you need to do,
turn that motherfucking Wi-Fi off.
[laughter]
They on that shit like crack.
I ain't lying to you.
My son, he be upstairs. I be calling him,
"Come downstairs, nigga."
Acting like he don't hear me.
I don't even call him no more.
He don't do what the fuck he's supposed
to do, all I do is unplug that Wi-Fi.
[grunts]
Then they come in.
"Daddy, we ain't got no signal.
Signal, Daddy! Signal!
I was playing Fortnite Halloween.
Daddy, I ain't got no signal."
I said, "This nigga is cracking.
Look at him."
"I ain't got no signal, Daddy.
It's got Halloween in it and everything."
He's looking at me.
"Daddy, you got a signal?"
I say, "I got a signal."
"I ain't got a signal."
"Take that trash out, nigga.
You take that trash out, nigga,
I see 5G in your future."
I'm Earthquake. I love y'all all day long.
This is how we do it.
["Czar" playing]
[all chanting]
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Bitch, it's my city
You get smacked silly
Thought it was yours, gimme
Prepared to shut shit down
Nigga, fuck with me
Jail music for riots
Gangstas buck 50
Fuck the place up till I turn 160
Now I'm here to switch it up
Motherfucker, lift it up
Get you niggas drunk
Till you lay in your bed and piss it up
Now I'm back with the coke
It'll make you all sniff it up
And skrrt, skrrt in the Wraith
Watch me Tokyo Drift it up
Take this loss, all day sauce
Take chains off, everything off
Take it all in her mouth
And make the stray cough
Cocaine boss, all day floss
Foul niggas know we on the ground
And we live it up
And drown cases of Goose
Till I frown and we spit it up
Got us running through it
Got a hundred, stupid
Now we 'bout to lose it
Y'all don't wanna do it
Watch the way we mix it up
Hate the way we fix it up
Anyway, shawty get on her knees
And now she licks it up
Red carpet swag on a nigga
When they flick shit up
Rich Porter prices on the coke
You see the bricks is up
So far, shawties throw they bra
And I need the lighter
To light the perfect cigar
Brand-new jet, brand-new car
Leader of the new shit, brand-new Czar
Light switch off, Cuban link cross
The shine bright up the evening
Diamonds criss-cross
If you ain't out here to find it
Time to get lost
In case you niggas ain't know
Bitch, I get busy
Like a silverback grizzly
Rolled up some more sticky
Every hood to every block
Brought them all with me
[imitating gunshots]
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy."
My first time ever performing
in Atlanta, Georgia.
I was picked up from the airport
by a Black comedian in a Lexus,
which was a rare car
to see a Black dude in,
especially one that told jokes
for a living.
And we went to a comedy club
that he was a part owner in.
This is also a unique experience
in my career.
Now, the guy was a beast.
Onstage and off.
Offstage, this motherfucker rolled
one blunt after another like a master.
And onstage [exhales]
he was like a force of nature.
In fact, he called himself
after a natural disaster.
It is my pleasure to present
to you guys tonight,
the first Netflix special
that I've ever produced
that I'm not in.
Make some noise
for Earthquake in Legendary.
[audience cheering]
["Legendary" playing]
Top of the dome with it
I wrote lyrics
They ain't grossing a million liquid
Don't form an opinion
I'm sort of a genius
Nothing short of a legend
Sort of Tommy Lasorda
The way I'm sorting these pitchers
Pictures, whatever
Fuck it my speech is off
Weekend trippin' to wherever
Only heaven is far
Metaphors in every color
These indelible bars
Jordan 4 seated floorside
Sittin' with Mars
-[mouthing lyrics]
-The only fear is mediocrity
Every time I got a beat
I feel like I don't gotta sleep
You keep praying on your break
I hope you got a sling
Yes, yes. DC, what's happening?
Goddamn right.
Good to be home, goddamn it.
Good to be home.
Southeast DC, that's right.
Ballou High School.
That's what we're talking about.
It's the real DC.
They came to me and said,
"We're gonna do this special.
Where do you want to do it at?"
Could've did it anywhere in the world.
I said, "No, I want to come home.
I want to come home and see how it is."
And goddamn it, I'm feeling good.
I hope y'all feeling good.
I'm feeling good
'cause I got that vaccine.
[laughter]
Yeah. I'm telling you,
I got it when it first came out.
The line was so long,
it looked like they was hiring.
I stood in that motherfucker.
I'm like, "I hope they don't run out."
[laughter]
It looked like they was running out.
There was this old lady,
and she was 89, in front of me.
I just pushed her to the side.
"Come on, Mama, you done lived your life.
You got more problems
than this coronavirus.
You're in a wheelchair with crutches.
You're being selfish right now.
You're supposed to be home somewhere
getting together with the Lord.
You're being real selfish."
You can't tell Black people
you took the shot.
Oh! They look at you
like you done sold out.
[laughter]
"You put that shit in your body?
Ooh, Lord. Mm-mmm.
Oh! Oh, goddamn. Say it ain't so.
Say it ain't so.
How could you do that?"
I said, "The same way you put
that cocaine in your nose.
You ain't got no problem
with that eight ball, motherfucker.
But I'm wrong for trusting Fauci.
You get your drugs from a nigga
in the club in the bathroom."
You see them smoking a blunt
with eight people. Just smoking it.
[coughing] "Ooh!"
Just passing it around.
"You're gonna take that chance.
But I'm wrong for fucking with Fauci."
[laughter]
I've got a cousin.
This motherfucker lives in Michigan.
He done call me and said,
"Quake, I heard bad news."
"What's wrong?" He said, "Man,
I heard you put that poison in your body.
How could you do it?"
I said, "Nigga, you live in Flint.
[laughter, applause]
And you just got out the shower.
You ain't got no problem with
that funky-ass water on your Black ass."
I mean, they ought to be ashamed
of their damned selves.
I mean, you from DC, you done took
more chances than the vaccine.
You know how many women
I done fucked with that had a fever?
I was like, "Ooh, you really is sick.
I thought you ain't want to give me none.
I'ma get you
some Theraflu in the morning."
[sneezes] "God bless you. God bless you."
I just want motherfuckers
to be consistent.
They are-- No, keep that same energy
on all the other symptoms
you've got in your body.
Coronavirus ain't the only shit
that's plaguing our community.
I want you to be on it.
These hypocrites that we got out here--
You got brothers out here been wearing
a mask straight for 18 months.
Ain't seen a dentist in 18 years.
[laughter]
Just be chewing
on the left side of their mouth.
Knowing they can't fuck
with that right tooth.
Brush their teeth in the morning,
sink look like a crime scene.
They be trying to hide evidence
like they on First 48 Hours and shit.
Kids coming in, looking at this,
talking about, "Daddy, let me get
some of them Red Hots you eating."
"I ain't eating no Red Hots."
"You are eating Red Hots!"
Phony-ass.
You know it. Stay consistent.
Be looking all good on the outside.
Jordans on their feet, diamonds
in their ear. Flawless on the outside.
Inside, blood pressure
higher than giraffe pussy.
Type 2, 3, 4, 5 diabetes.
Still standing in line,
trying to get a Popeyes chicken sandwich.
Eat four of them motherfuckers.
"I don't know why I'm dizzy.
I took a Benadryl."
"Benadryl don't help no stroke,
motherfucker.
Everything ain't your allergies, nigga.
Everything ain't your allergies."
Left arm be going numb. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, that mean
it gonna rain this Saturday."
"What the fuck you mean
it's gonna rain this Saturday?
Your arm ain't no weatherman, nigga.
Go see a doctor."
You know who they are.
Got car insurance.
Ain't got no health insurance.
He all at the club,
"Look at my new ride, nigga.
Full coverage, zero deductible."
"What about your liver?"
"Oh, I leave that to Jesus.
[laughter]
He know my heart."
Health is wealth.
If you ain't learned shit
through this pandemic,
that bag don't mean shit
if you ain't got your health.
You know-- You need to know
the status of your health.
And the only way you're gonna know
the status of your health
is get a physical.
Your president, Barack Obama,
put his whole political capital
on the line for Obamacare.
I got Obamacare.
Ain't no way they're gonna put all
these hospitals and urgent cares up there,
and something wrong with my chest,
I'm gonna go home, take a nap
and drink a ginger ale.
[laughs] Somebody gonna see me.
I'm just gonna have to owe you.
When Obamacare came out, nigga,
I was on that shit.
I filled it out. [imitates typing]
Didn't even wait for a policy number.
As soon as they said, "approved," nigga,
I ran straight to the doctor.
"Hey, what you here for?"
"Nigga, I want a full physical."
They're like, "Who your provider?"
I wrote, "Obamacare."
[laughter]
[chuckles] 'Cause that nigga cares.
"Now that I got insurance,
I want every test you got
in this hospital, from A to Z, nigga.
Don't skip none of them.
I want EKG, EGG, pap smear,
I want it all, motherfucker.
And I want ultrasound, mammogram,
father-gram, leg-gram.
An eight ball. That's a half a gram.
I want all my grams, nigga."
But health is wealth.
You will not know the status
of your health unless you get a physical.
Every year, for my birthday,
that is my gift to myself.
We still dying of illnesses
they done already cured in full.
And it's the scariest shit in the world,
because certain people,
you know something's wrong with your body,
but you don't go.
See, me personally, I would hate for
something to be wrong with my damn body
and I never, ever do nothing about it,
and then I just let it go and go.
And then finally be rushed to
the hospital, and the doctor like, "Ooh.
If you'd have got here three weeks ago,
that shit was just in your ear."
[laughter]
"Where's it at now?" "In your foot."
"How long I got?" "Tomorrow."
It's the scariest shit in the world.
I get a physical every year.
This year was no different.
Doctor came in.
I said, "How am I doing, Doc?"
He said, "I got your lab result back.
Everything is looking good.
You just have one minor discrepancy."
I said, "What's that?"
He said, "Your PSA is high."
I said, "What's that?" He said,
"That's the indicator of your prostate.
You being a Black man, prostate cancer
is prevalent in your community.
What I need you to do is go back
and see the reception,
make another appointment, come back.
I'm gonna do a prostate exam
along with your physical.
I'm running behind
about a month and a half.
I should be able to get to see you then."
I'm like, "Fuck that, nigga.
We doing this shit today.
I got Obamacare, nigga.
Put that shit on the bill.
Let's run that shit up
before that Republican-care come."
He said, "You want to do it today?"
I said, "Yeah, I want to do it today."
So I start rolling up my sleeves.
[laughter]
Yeah, he laughed just like that.
He said, "No,
we don't do no prostate exam like that."
I said, "How you do it?"
He said, "We do that with a rectum exam."
I said, "Well, I don't think I got that
on my Obamacare."
[laughter]
[laughs] I said, "I don't think Barack
would do that shit for me."
He said, "Just go in the other room.
There's a gown behind the door.
Take your clothes off, put the gown on and
come back out. We can do the procedure."
I'm gonna tell you all right now,
my people from DC,
I have been rich my whole life.
And I'm not talking about monetarily.
I'm talking about rich of the blessing
of my God.
Been on this earth 58 years.
I have never spent a night in a hospital.
I have never had no surgery.
I ain't never had no broken bones,
other than this wrist right here riding
that raggedy-ass bike my daddy gave me.
So I don't know shit about no hospital.
So when he told me to go take my clothes
off and put the gown on, I did it.
And I put the motherfucker on.
But it was too small. It wouldn't close.
So I stuck my head
behind the door and said,
"Hey, Doc, I need a bigger gown. This
motherfucker ain't going over my stomach."
He said, "No, you've got it on wrong.
Turn it around."
I said, "I'll be damned.
I know I'm wearing this gown right."
'Cause if it's between my dick
and my ass being out,
my dick already understands.
The ass is always covered.
And every part of my body knows that rule.
If I only got one sock, fuck my foot.
That motherfucker going down
the crack of my ass.
And if we doing a rectum exam,
I know I'm wearing this gown right.
'Cause you're gonna have
to lift this bitch and let me know
it's about to go down.
I ain't just gonna leave it open for you
to come in there when you feel like it.
I don't know what kind of
I don't know what kind of patients
you be having
with their head down, ass up,
but I ain't that kind of patient.
I need a head start or a warning.
Ten, nine, eight Oh, shit.
My ass is getting a little chilly.
It must be time for him to do it.
So I knew I had the gown on right,
so I just walked out there,
holding my dick.
I said, "I'm ready."
He said, "I told you. You've got the gown
on wrong. Turn it around."
I said, "I'll be damned." He said,
"Fuck it. Bend down and look over there."
I said, "I don't like how you said that.
You need to take that bass out your voice.
You're a little too angry
to be fucking with my ass right now.
I think we need to reschedule
this appointment.
And if you're gonna keep arguing like this
with me, I need to put my drawers on.
I don't like to argue with no nigga
if I ain't got no drawers on.
You got your drawers on.
Why can't I put my drawers on?"
So I went on and bent back over. "Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
This nigga gonna say, "Stay still."
I said, "Shit.
You better hit this motherfucker
while it's moving. I told you I'm scared.
My leg is shaking 'cause I'm afraid."
So I looked over my shoulder.
This motherfucker
put gel on three fingers.
I jumped the fuck up.
He was like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Let me see what finger
you're gonna use.
Oh, you ain't using that finger
with that fucked-up knuckle.
Trying to put that big-ass knuckle in
my ass, that football knuckle you got.
I ought to whup your ass for trying
to put that motherfucker in me.
Your pinkie you got should be able
to find what you're looking for.
I ought to whup your ass, Doc.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Are you sure this is the only way
you can check my prostate?
'Cause if I go home and I google
and I find there's another test,
I'm gonna come back here
and whup your motherfucking ass
in front of all this equipment."
[laughter]
So I went on and bent back over.
"Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
He lifted up my gown, and I said,
"Oh, shit. It's about to go down."
And he lifted it up and he broke me off.
I was like, "Oh, goddamn it."
He said, "Don't worry. It ain't gonna
take long." I said, "You ain't got long.
Hurry up and find
what you're looking for."
He kept moving his finger
in and out of my ass.
I said, "Fuck it.
Take your finger out of my ass.
If I've got prostate cancer,
leave it in there.
I'm just gonna have to take it up
with the Lord.
But you ain't just gonna
rotate your finger
in and out of my ass
like this no more, sir.
Take your finger out of my ass
immediately, sir.
Stop right now. No means no, sir."
[laughing]
I tried-- I got up.
Nigga tried to fix my goddamn gown.
He gonna take the glove off
all seductively,
one finger at a time.
Gonna look me in the face,
give me a box of tissues,
talking about, "Wipe yourself off.
[laughter]
Pull your drawers up.
Follow me in the other room."
I said, "This nigga has just assaulted me.
I've been raped."
I went and bought me a "Me Too" T-shirt.
[laughter]
I went all to the meeting.
I was like, "Me too, bitches. Me too.
Y'all are gonna hear what happened to me
in that doctor's office.
I've got a story to tell."
I left that doctor's office,
ass just slippery.
[laughter]
Slid all the way to the elevator.
Couldn't even look
another man in the face.
I was like, "He broke me in there!
He broke me in there!"
Seen a gay dude.
I was like, "You're a soldier.
You can take a dick.
I couldn't take a pinkie.
You're a tough one. You're tough."
If you're taking a dick every night, mmm!
These ain't jokes.
And Black people, we done voted Trump out,
but we ain't killed this motherfucker.
He's still alive politically.
White people believe in him
right below Jesus.
Oh, they believe in his ass.
They're just lying to good white folks.
"Stop the steal.
They just stole the vote.
Fraud. Irregularity with voting."
See, Black people, I don't never want
y'all ever to say your votes don't count.
The reason why
they've got all these problems,
changing all-- the Republicans changing
all the goddamn rules for voting,
is 'cause we showed the fuck up.
I tell my white friends all the time:
"If you're gonna lie on Black people,
at least get a lie
that's believable, nigga.
You want the whole world to believe
that niggas went down there
and voted two times?"
We commit a lot of crimes,
but we don't fuck with that paperwork.
But you can't say nothing. You can't tell
a Trump supporter nothing about Trump.
"Oh, yeah, not my Trump, mm-mmm!"
They love motherfucking Trump.
People ask me all the time, "What kind of
woman are you looking for in your life?"
I say, "Nigga, I'm looking
for a woman like a Trump supporter.
No matter what she hears about me,
that bitch don't believe shit."
[laughter]
"I heard he got another woman."
"That's fake news, baby. That's fake news.
Don't listen to them hos.
They're the enemy of the state."
These ain't jokes.
I knew Trump was the pimp of all pimps,
nigga, when he came here
and sent them motherfuckers up here
January 6th.
He told the motherfuckers,
"Meet me here January 6th."
They came up there like he was Moses.
Just stepping. I've never seen
so many RVs, pickup trucks,
white women with no teeth.
They was everywhere.
[laughter]
And then he came out and talked.
Did the speech,
their old motherfucking fearless leader.
"Right now, they're in there,
trying to certify the steal.
You're not doing anything.
They're stealing your vote.
If you allow what happens in there,
you're not gonna have a country.
Now, what we're gonna do, we're gonna
walk down to the Capitol and stop 'em.
I'ma go with you,
and I'ma meet you there."
[chuckles] Trump went home.
That nigga was at the crib, just chilling.
White people was going crazy, nigga.
They was knocking shit over,
whupping police asses,
climbing all on the wall and shit.
I was watching that shit on TV.
All I was wishing is,
"Ooh, I wish I was a Capitol police
working that day."
If I was there, I would have been like
[imitating gunshots]
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy.
These motherfuckers are everywhere.
If you ain't gonna use your gun,
give it to me.
There's that motherfucker
with that Confederate flag."
Click, click, click. [grunts]
Oh, I would have tore their ass up.
I'd have called my boy. "I told you
to be here as a security guard."
[imitating gunshots]
I'm shooting Trump supporters
on the clock.
[laughter]
"Don't punch me out.
I'm gonna do overtime today."
"What's your name, boy?"
"Crispus Attucks."
Believe me, if I was working,
they would have got off them steps.
"Stop the steal!" [imitates gunshots]
"This nigga is serious.
Back up, Billy Bob."
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Trump ain't got no cut.
He ain't give a fuck.
I knew he had no cut when he told
John McCain, "You ain't no war hero."
[chuckles] And they said, "Why?"
"Cause he got captured.
I like soldiers that don't get caught."
John McCain hated that motherfucker
till the day he died.
They say you ain't supposed
to take a grudge to your grave.
John McCain was like, "Fuck that shit."
I'ma tell you something.
If you down for Trump, against Trump,
or even if you are Trump,
you've gotta look yourself in the mirror.
You know you a fucked-up individual
when a nigga
don't want you at his funeral.
They said John McCain's last words
were like, "Tell that nigga not to come."
They said, "What about the Reaper?"
"Mm-mmm! If he comes in the church,
I'ma walk out the casket."
Like, "Damn,
he blocked that nigga like Facebook."
[chuckles]
You can say what you want
to say about John McCain,
but that motherfucker was a war hero.
I'm telling you. That motherfucker
was a prisoner of war, dawg.
He got shot behind enemy lines
fucking with them Viet Cong niggas,
and they fucked John up.
If you want to know
what John McCain went through,
all you've gotta do
is watch the first Rambo.
[laughter]
[chuckles] They pulled his nails out,
put bamboo in his ass.
When you see John McCain,
that nigga walking like this.
He couldn't even salute.
"How you doing?" "Mm-hmm."
[laughter]
They fucked John up.
But what made him a man's man,
do you know John McCain was being tortured
for five years straight?
He could have got out early,
'cause his father was an admiral,
and they was gonna do a prisoner swap,
let him come home early
'cause of who his father was.
They came down to the torture chamber
to John McCain and said,
"Look, we've got some good news for you.
You're gonna be able to go home
and be with your family."
They released him and said,
"Come on. You're going home."
John McCain was like, "I'm not leaving."
"What you mean?"
"I'm not leaving unless you release
all the other soldiers in here with me."
[applause]
They said, "Hell no,"
and went back to whupping his ass. Pow!
[laughter]
I was in the military.
They showed us the tape.
They said, "This is the kind of prisoner
of war you should be if you're captured."
I said, "You might as well let me out,
'cause I'll never do that shit John did.
'Cause if they come to release me,
I'ma look at the rest of the soldiers
like, 'I'll see you later.
God has heard my prayer.
Give me a letter.
I'll give it to your family.
But my Black ass
is getting on this helicopter.
Somebody got to tell
what these Pacquiaos have done to us,
and God has chosen me.
Wouldn't he do it?'"
Hey, this ain't no joke right here.
I don't play with my health.
Your life is the most precious thing
you've got, 'cause life is short, man.
We losing some good-ass people.
Shit. We lost Cicely Tyson, 96 years old.
-Black people talking about "too soon."
-[clapping]
[laughter]
"Who knew?" I said, "I knew."
When she got 88, I said, "Ooh!
You better get your paperwork in order."
"Who knew?" I knew!
When she got 89, I said,
"The Lord looking for you."
"Who knew?" I knew.
When she got 92, I said:
Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King
Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King
When she got 94, I said,
"Don't go to church.
God's gonna say-- When he sees you there,
he's gonna say, 'Since you're here,
stay right here.'"
I see some of y'all want to laugh.
Fuck y'all.
You want to laugh and celebrate
when they make it to 96.
That's when it's time to laugh
and tell jokes.
It ain't funny when you die at 26,
and that's our fucking problem.
I pay my respects all the time.
The one that broke my heart
more than anything
was when we lost Aretha Franklin,
the Queen of Soul.
Tried to pay my respects and watch
the funeral, but that funeral was so long.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go.
[laughter]
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
That funeral was so long,
they turned off my cable.
I said, "This funeral done went through
two billing cycles."
They called me.
"Why didn't you pay your cable bill?"
I said, "I'm still at the funeral.
Let her go."
I've never seen a pastor
preach the whole Bible.
[laughter]
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
I knew we was gonna be there a long time,
'cause the nigga done come out
talking about, "In the beginning."
I said, "The beginning?
What do Adam and Eve
got to do with a funeral?
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
CNN was there.
They was unplugging their shit.
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here.
We've been here for three weeks.
Don Lemon is supposed to be
on TV right now."
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
I knew it was long when Aretha got up
to change dresses.
[laughter]
"I'm gonna wear something different
in the second half of the funeral."
I said, "The second half?
Who has a halftime at a funeral?
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
That funeral was so long, nigga.
They held it in Detroit so long,
by the time she finally did make it
to the pearly gates to get into heaven,
an angel came to the door
and said, "God's gone.
You were supposed to be in here
three weeks ago.
He touched you on the 3rd. It's the 21st.
I know you're the queen,
but he's the king.
You just can't have the Lord
just waiting for you, Aretha.
This is no kind of respect.
You're gonna have to go to hell."
That would be fucked up, though,
if you made it to heaven,
but you fucked around
and got to the gate late.
You know, you look on the board, like,
"Ooh, my name up there. Shit, I made it."
You see some of your boys,
like, "Damn, you ain't get in.
Damn, man. I heard
it's gonna be hot where you going.
Told you to go to Bible study."
You're taking your time.
"Nigga, I got in."
And you get to the gate,
and you see 'em locking.
You're like, "Hold up, nigga, I'm here.
I ain't moving my foot.
I'm supposed to be in there.
You just can't lock a nigga out of here.
What kind of bullshit is this?
You ain't say what time you had to be
at the gate. This is some bullshit."
You be peeping in there.
"Ooh, it look nice in there.
Heaven's everything they say in the Bible.
Uh-uh. Nigga, I'm getting in."
You be like, "Come on, man.
This is bullshit.
I'm on Jesus's list."
You be like, "It real nice in there.
Did my mama make it?
Did she make it into heaven? She did?
Could you tell her I'm out here?
[laughter]
And tell her that angel right there
won't let me in. This is some bullshit."
If your mama came
and seen you was late getting to the gate,
she would cuss your ass out.
"The fuck wrong with you?
Got me using this kind of language.
You were late. Get your ass over there.
You were late getting in."
"I'm sorry. I was on time.
That was the angel.
He hates me and everything."
"Get your ass over there while I go
find Jesus, see can I get you in.
Stand over there with the rest
of them heathens."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
You go back and stand on the side
with everybody else that couldn't get in.
"I think I'm getting in.
My mom been knowing Jesus her whole life.
[laughter]
I know she got a plus-one.
Your mama ain't get in?
She didn't? Not at all?
Man, I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll be-- I'm about to get in there.
I'ma get in.
When I get in there, you want me
to tell somebody you out here?
You don't know nobody that made it?
All the people you know, you don't
know nobody you think made it?
Nobody? That's fucked up.
Oh, here come Jesus with my mama.
I'll see you later, Joel Osteen."
[laughter]
"This is my Bible."
My son just turned 18 years old.
Best day of my life,
because he's one of the trios I have.
I have three kids, and he's the last.
Eighteen years old,
and as a man that's in his 50s,
when you see your kids get 18 years old,
that is your chance
for you to live your life.
-[applause]
-I tell my kids all the time,
"Once you turn 18,
our relationship has changed."
"How is that, Daddy?"
I said, "Let me explain.
I am no longer the provider.
I am the adviser.
So when you've got a problem now, I say,
'This is what I would do if I was you.'
But you was raised right, nigga.
Make good decisions.
Close the door so me
and your future stepmama can get busy."
No, man, when your kids become an adult,
it is your time to capture
the things that you wanted to do
that you sacrificed by raising them.
I tell people all the time,
kids are the most expensive thing
you will ever purchase,
to ever have in your life,
'cause they-- at the maximum,
they are dream killers.
At the minimum, nigga,
they are dream delayers.
'Cause you done put what you wanted to do
to facilitate their growth.
And when they get 18, it's your time
to do the things you need to do,
'cause you're in
the fourth quarter of your life.
But some of y'all don't.
Y'all still be in your kids' lives when
they're 18 as if they was an adolescent.
And I don't blame most of y'all,
because y'all let these kids
around here manipulate you.
Because them kids
throw their guilt on you.
They've been in your life
and seen some of the times
when you was at your lowest point,
and they throw that shit in your face.
They also know there's things you wanted
to do for them that you couldn't do,
and you feel guilty,
and they play that shit on you.
And I'm telling you right now,
from the bottom of my heart,
fuck these kids.
[laughter]
Don't you let these motherfuckers
fuck with you.
I'ma tell you right now. If you did
everything to the best of your ability
to provide for your kids,
you are a great-ass parent.
Don't you let these little motherfuckers
make you feel bad.
I'm telling you right goddamn now.
I wish one of my kids
would tell me I'm not a great-ass father.
I only got one question for 'em:
"If I'm not a great father, nigga,
who are you comparing me to?
Who is this mythological Black man
you think gonna make the sacrifices I did
and all this for you like I did?
Take you to all these activities,
go to your basketball game,
be there for three hours,
and your ass don't even get in the game.
[laughter]
Me and you sitting on the bench.
You could have FaceTimed me this bullshit,
sitting over there
like you're assistant coach and shit.
Since we're comparing,
you ain't a good-ass child.
Almost lost my job fucking with your ass."
Fuck these kids.
These ain't jokes.
I had the time to spend time with my son,
and it made me learn
that our kids are not built like us.
My son don't have no swag.
Zero. Nada. None.
I told him the other day,
"Let's ride, Clyde."
This nigga was like, "Who's Clyde, Daddy?"
"Get your ass in the car."
"I just want to know who Clyde is.
Is he a friend of yours?"
"No, nigga. You're Clyde."
"Mm-mmm. My name's Nathaniel."
"Open your mouth. Let me swab you."
You gotta understand. You can't raise
your kids the way you was raised.
It does not apply. The way we was raised
does not have nothing to do with our kids.
You gotta understand that we are
inner-city parents raising suburban kids,
so all the things we went through
does not apply
to these little, soft motherfuckers
we're dealing with.
You put your hands on your kids,
just one of the ass whuppings
that your mother and father gave you,
put it on your kid,
you'll scar these little,
soft motherfuckers for life.
They can't do it.
I just tried to punish my son.
Sent him to his room.
This nigga writes a suicide note.
He be in there. "Daddy, I don't know
how long I can take this shit.
The walls are coming in on me."
I said, "This nigga
could never go to jail."
He can't even stay in his own room
with an Xbox.
These ain't jokes.
My son got a concussion
from falling in grass.
He was in the hospital for three weeks.
"Hey, what happened to him?"
I said, "He tripped out back."
They ain't built like us.
You buy 'em a bike, you gotta get
a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads.
"You playing football or riding a bike,
motherfucker?"
They're not built like us.
We used to go to the park,
get on the swing set, and wrap the pole.
Let one of these kids go to a swing set
and try to wrap the pole.
Come back, chain around their neck.
[laughter]
[imitates crying]
And you're like,
"Get your ass down from there."
"Why? You said go around"--
"Get your motherfucking ass"
They're not built like us.
Can't leave 'em in the car when it's hot.
[laughter]
Our mother left us in the car
when it was hot.
We were just smart enough
to get the fuck out
and look at the door to see
when she coming out.
"Oh, here she come.
Get back in the car. Get back.
That's right. I was sitting over here.
You're right. You're right.
I was over here. You're right."
Fuck her!
It don't take you no three hours
getting no tuna fish.
Our kids just stay in the car and die.
[grunts]
"Get your ass out of the car!"
"You said, 'Don't get out.'"
"It's 200 degrees, motherfucker."
Die in the car, stupid motherfuckers.
Fuck these kids.
But you ain't got to put
your hands on no kids.
Your kids ain't doing
what they supposed to do,
I've done found their Achilles' heel.
I know exactly what you can get,
how you can get 'em
if they ain't doing what the fuck
they supposed to do.
Found their weakness.
No, it ain't the phone. No.
All you need to do,
turn that motherfucking Wi-Fi off.
[laughter]
They on that shit like crack.
I ain't lying to you.
My son, he be upstairs. I be calling him,
"Come downstairs, nigga."
Acting like he don't hear me.
I don't even call him no more.
He don't do what the fuck he's supposed
to do, all I do is unplug that Wi-Fi.
[grunts]
Then they come in.
"Daddy, we ain't got no signal.
Signal, Daddy! Signal!
I was playing Fortnite Halloween.
Daddy, I ain't got no signal."
I said, "This nigga is cracking.
Look at him."
"I ain't got no signal, Daddy.
It's got Halloween in it and everything."
He's looking at me.
"Daddy, you got a signal?"
I say, "I got a signal."
"I ain't got a signal."
"Take that trash out, nigga.
You take that trash out, nigga,
I see 5G in your future."
I'm Earthquake. I love y'all all day long.
This is how we do it.
["Czar" playing]
[all chanting]
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
Bitch, it's my city
You get smacked silly
Thought it was yours, gimme
Prepared to shut shit down
Nigga, fuck with me
Jail music for riots
Gangstas buck 50
Fuck the place up till I turn 160
Now I'm here to switch it up
Motherfucker, lift it up
Get you niggas drunk
Till you lay in your bed and piss it up
Now I'm back with the coke
It'll make you all sniff it up
And skrrt, skrrt in the Wraith
Watch me Tokyo Drift it up
Take this loss, all day sauce
Take chains off, everything off
Take it all in her mouth
And make the stray cough
Cocaine boss, all day floss
Foul niggas know we on the ground
And we live it up
And drown cases of Goose
Till I frown and we spit it up
Got us running through it
Got a hundred, stupid
Now we 'bout to lose it
Y'all don't wanna do it
Watch the way we mix it up
Hate the way we fix it up
Anyway, shawty get on her knees
And now she licks it up
Red carpet swag on a nigga
When they flick shit up
Rich Porter prices on the coke
You see the bricks is up
So far, shawties throw they bra
And I need the lighter
To light the perfect cigar
Brand-new jet, brand-new car
Leader of the new shit, brand-new Czar
Light switch off, Cuban link cross
The shine bright up the evening
Diamonds criss-cross
If you ain't out here to find it
Time to get lost
In case you niggas ain't know
Bitch, I get busy
Like a silverback grizzly
Rolled up some more sticky
Every hood to every block
Brought them all with me
[imitating gunshots]
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy."