Chelsea Handler: Revolution (2022) Movie Script
1
Nashville, Tennessee,
are you ready?
Ryman Auditorium, are you ready?
Please welcome
Chelsea Handler!
Yeah!
What's up, Nashville?
Oh, yeah, what a warm welcome.
Woo!
Oh my God, you guys, we made it.
We're survivors!
We survived a global pandemic,
and now we're gonna pretend
it's not happening anymore.
And I amdown with that!
What an exciting time to be alive.
Right? I mean, I don't wanna
toot my own horn, you guys,
but after the last
two and a half, three years
of watching everybody
stuck inside their houses
with their spouses
and babies,
I have never been more confident
in my life-decision-making skills.
In remaining childless and alone!
The entire reason
that I have never had a child
was on theoff chance...
I might live through a global pandemic
and would have to home school it.
Fuck that noise.
There are people that will never recover
from what happened.
And they're called parents.
Can you imagine becoming a parent,
you've already made a huge miscalculation,
and the one reprieve you get
is when you send that child
off to school to get an education,
and that is stolen away from you
in the name of a plague?
The real reason I've never had a child
was I don'twanna be responsible
for conveying misinformation
to people that are growing.
You know? I'm still confused
about a lot of shit that is going on.
And at a certain age,
it is too embarrassing to ask questions.
I only recently foundout...
And by recently, I mean seven years ago,
when I turned 40.
I only recently foundout
that the sun and the moon
are not the same thing.
I was flabbergasted.
I was in Africa on safari
with my older sister, Simone,
and we were riding an elephant,
and there was an African man
riding the elephant for us
because that's what richwhite bitches do.
And we were trotting along,
or whatever it's called
when an elephant is on the move.
And my sister, Simone,
slaps me on the shoulder,
and she goes,
"Chels, Chels, look up at the sky."
"It's not often you get to see the sun...
and the moon
at the same time."
And I was like...
I was likeScooby-Doo.
"Where is it?"
I said, "Aren't they always together?"
And the look on my sister's face,
right away, I was like,
"Back that up. Back that up."
She goes, "What did you say?"
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She goes, "I heard what you said."
"And I need you to explain to me
what you think is happening
between the sun and the moon."
I was like, "Listen, honestly,
I haven't really thought about it."
"It's not a huge concern of mine."
"It's operating fine
without my interference."
"Why would I even get involved,
you narcissist?"
"But if you must know,
I just assumed
that when the sun dropped down,
it popped back up as the moon."
"Is that not what's going on?"
The man riding the elephant,
who spoke no English, went, "Pfft!"
He was thinking, "Anotherdumb American."
My sister goes, "How is it possible
that you're 40 years old
and you make this kind of living
and you don't know basic astronomy?"
I said, "Why don't you
back the duck up, okay?"
"We are in the southern hemisphere
right now."
"I don't even know
which moon you're talking about."
She goes, "No, you listen to me."
"There is one moon."
"In the whole solar system,
there's one fucking moon."
"And then there's a sun.
There's also one sun."
"And then there's one fuckingmoron.
Which one are you?"
I was like, "The sun?"
Before this pandemic, I had never
spent two weeks alone with myself.
I had never had a clue about how much
I enjoyed the pleasure of my own company.
I was fun.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'd wake up. I'd be in a good mood.
She'd be in a good mood.
I'd be like, "You wanna party?" I'm like,
"I don't know, does me? Yeah, let's go!"
Nothing serves as a better reminder
to not having children
as setting your alarm for 10:00 a.m.
on a Monday morning.
To remind yourself todo mushrooms.
Have you ever taken mushrooms,
walked outside into your backyard,
and talked to what you thought was a tree
for two hours
until you realized
you were talking to your landscaper?
Have you ever taken mushrooms
with your landscaper?
You know who has time for that?
People who make strong decisions.
I know people who are married
were going through their own personal hell
during COVID.
And single people were going through
their own version of hell
because we were like, "Oh, when are
we gonna get something going again?"
The firstdip there was in COVID,
it wasn't safe,
but I was like,
"I gotta get back out there."
I went in to see my gynecologist,
and I was like,
"Listen, just tell me what's safe."
You know, "Do I just get it from behind?
What's the best practice?"
She said, "I know you think
you're in your forties
and you can't get pregnant,
but I'm here to tell you
that you have the eggs of a 25-year-old."
I wanted to stab her with a fork
when she said that.
I told her she could take my eggs
and turn them into a frittata
for all I care.
I am looking towrap shit up
in this department,
not get the party started.
I'm not into elderly pregnancies.
Gross.
I once did a Gwyneth PaltrowGoop panel
in New York City,
and we were all on stage
on benches like this with microphones.
It was Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Laura Linney from Ozark, and me.
And we're all sitting there,
you know, talking about soap.
And the conversation slowly shifted
to parenting, so I nodded off.
I knew I had nothing to contribute
on that topic.
You know what I mean? I'm not arrogant
to think, "I'm gonna chime in."
Then I heard Laura Linney
talking about how all she ever wanted
her entire life was to become a mother.
That was her one true purpose.
And that she had
a really hard time getting pregnant,
and so she did several rounds
of in vitro fertilization.
And then,out of respect,
I opened my eyes.
And then she said the sentence,
"And then by someact of God,
I was able to vaginally give birth
at the age of 50," and I went...
"Bleurgh!"
And grabbed mypikachu.
My vagina sewed itself shut that day.
I thought I was gonnacatch her baby
just by virtue of her talking about it.
"Get the fuck away from me, Laura Linney."
"Get the fuck away from me
with your 50-year-old baby."
I'm not against people having children.
If you're passionate about wanting a baby,
I get it. I wanna support you.
But it's when you'reon the fence
and you have a baby.
When you're in your forties,
like many ofmy girlfriends,
who accidentally get pregnant,
and they're like...
"I guess I'll have a baby."
It's like, "Hey, bitch, get an abortion
while you still can, okay?"
You're not doing any baby any favor
by being on the fence
about becoming a parent.
Or my brother.
I was with my brother the other day,
and I said, "Why are you even a parent?"
I said, "You're not very good at it."
He said, "Chelsea,
I had to think about my legacy."
I said, "Who are you talking to?
Is someone behind me?"
"What are you talking..."
"You had to think about your... Who the fuck
are you to think about your lega..."
"Who do you think you are,
that people are waiting to see
what you leave behind on this earth?"
"Your legacy is
that you're my fucking brother."
So embarrassing when men
say things like that.
You know? Sometimes, you have to pretend
you can't hear. You're like...
I say I don't wanna be a mother,
but I wouldn't mind being a divorced dad.
I couldcrush that role.
Coming in hot at, like, 50% all the time.
Yeah. Showing up Friday afternoons
with unicorn frappuccinos,
and then back to TheCheesecake Factory,
and then back to Starbucks,
and then drop 'em off and skedaddle Monday
before shit really hits the fan.
I could crush that role.
Or a stepfather.
That's another role I would crush.
Nobody expects anything from you guys.
But it's important to know
when you don't have the skills
to raise a baby, you know?
Instead of shaming people,
we should say, "Oh, good."
"Good for you for knowing
that you shouldn't have a baby."
We should get acarbon credit
for not polluting to mass population.
I know I don't have the skills
to raise a baby.
I have rescued nine dogs in my life.
Thank you.
I've returned four.
Because I have a type.
And I'm impulsive,
and I don't think things through.
And like any other animal lover
here tonight,
when you have a type, you stick
to that type, and my type is slow
and overweight.
That is what I'm looking for in an animal.
I'm not looking to go on long walks
with my animal orgo for hikes
or evenplay fetch,
quite frankly, you know?
I wanna come home
at the end of a long day and snuggle.
I wanna get into bed with the Lion King,
you know, and have him on top of me
with his big, fat face
and his big, meaty neck
swaying back and forth
while I wrap my arms around him.
And then, when it gets too hot,
I can say, "Get the fuck off of me."
That's what I'm looking for
in a companion.
And I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.
We were filming something, obviously,
'cause I would never
seriously go to a dog show.
And I saw a Bernese mountain dog.
I had never seen this type of dog before.
I was like, "Oh my God. This is something
I would conjure up in my best dream."
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.
And they're lazy, you know?
They don't wanna do anything. I was like...
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.
Like, "Uh?"
I was like, "I want that dog."
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese mountain dog."
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.
You have to rescue all of your animals.
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
So I told my assistant, Tanner, "You need
to find me a used Bernese mountain dog."
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese mountain dog
traipsed into my life,
and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.
But I hadn't thought it through,
because puppies are energetic.
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp.
And they jump on everything.
And they're annoying.
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs
to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
I was like, "Oh my God, what is..."
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,
wearing a miner's lamp and knee pads,
waiting for the next altercation.
On day four, I found a dead owl...
...in my backyard.
I didn't even know owls were real.
I thought they were fromGame of Thrones.
And then Gary,
every time he slept, he would grow.
He would take a nap. He'd wake up,
and I'm like, "Is he bigger? Wha..."
And then I started to get suspicious,
so I got a scale. A doggy scale.
One night, before he went to sleep,
I weighed him, and he weighed 19 pounds.
And in the morning, he weighed 22 pounds.
I was like, "This dog
is going to swallow somebody."
I took him to the vet."I don't know
what's going on with this dog."
"Normally, I would be down with this,
but it's happening too fast,
and I'm scared."
And she said, very casually,
"Oh, this is a Bernese mountain dog."
"You have to massage their anal glands."
I said, "Well, we're gonna
have to put him down."
"So do you have a supervisor or..."
"Do I do that through PayPal? What's the..."
Then a couple of weeks later, I had
a doctor's appointment in Beverly Hills.
That's where you have to go
in Los Angeles.
All the doctors are on the same street.
I put all three dogs in my back seat.
I go to a parking garage in Beverly Hills.
I park on level four.
Gary weighed 49 pounds that morning.
So I gotout my calculator and figured out
how much I needed to open the window.
It was two and a half inches.
I cracked the window
two and a half inches 'cause I'm a mother.
I went to my doctor's appointment.
45 minutes. Not even an hour.
I come back, and Gary is gone.
And I could tell
by the way my other two dogs were acting
that one of them had opened the door...
and let Garyout.
So I look to my right,
and I look to my left.
I didn't see Gary,
and I thought, "Thank God that's over."
And then I drove down the four stories
hurriedly to get the fuck out of there.
And I drive down to the bottom, basecamp,
and I go up to the little glass partition
where the parking lot attendant lives...
and as I'm pulling up,
I see the parking lot attendant
in the little glass booth,
up against the wall,
and Gary is just jumping on him,
like this.
And I kept driving.
I just thought, "That's your father now.
Fuck you, Gary. Fuck you."
And I drove all the way home.
I get home, and my assistant, Tanner,
comes running out of the house, and goes,
"They found Gary! He's in a parking garage
in Beverly Hills."
I'm like, "Where's my baby?!"
And the whole way home,
I'm just like, "You're a cunt."
"You're a dirty little cunt."
I was like, "You can do better than this."
"You can be more maternal.
You have to try."
So I made a commitment.
I was like, "I will try."
I went and I picked him up,
and I did some skin-to-skin.
Then I took him to a doggy park,
and we walk into the doggy park,
and this woman named Teresa
comes running over, and she's like...
"Is that a Bernese mountain dog?"
I'm like, "It is. His name is Gary."
She's like, "I love
Bernese mountain dogs."
I'm like, "I thought I did too."
She's like, "I've always wanted one,
but they never have them at rescues."
I'm like,
"You're about to rescue one now."
I was like, "Please take Gary."
"I'll pay for his clothing and education.
Just fucking take him!"
Gary lives with Teresa now.
I found him his forever home.
That's how I look at that story.
And I know enough to know
that you can't do that
with a real live baby.
Especially if you are a celebrity.
You will get caught.
Now that we're done
making fun of brown and Black people,
I think it's a perfect opportunity
for us to focus on straight, white men.
I'll start.
My sister, the one from the moon,
invaded my house during COVID.
She calls me...
She has three children,
ages 24, 21, and 18.
Those aren't fucking children. Okay?
And they live in San Francisco,
so they're in an apartment.
So she goes, "We'reon top of each other."
"We might have to come down and live
with you in Los Angeles for a little bit."
Keep in mind, I'm having a great time
with my landscaper.
But it's my sister, so I say, "Of course,
yes, come move into our house."
Meanwhile, I'm googling,
"Which countries can I get into?"
And right away...
It didn't take 48 hours
for me to understand what everyone
has been bitching and moaning about
for the last five years.
Because I have one nephew, 24, Jakey,
and I have two nieces.
So that means four women
were living in my house, and one male.
And right away, I saw the difference.
'Cause women are conscientious
about each other and other people.
Everyone was wearingAirPods.
All the girls
on their Zoom-Zoom boom-booms
were wearing AirPods.
Any calls, they'd go
out of the room, you know,
to respect another person's privacy.
I was even wearing AirPods
in my own house.
I wasn't on a Zoom or listening to music.
I was just hoping
no one would interact with me.
And then I walk downstairs
into my living room,
and here's my 24-year-old nephew, Jakey,
wearing basketball mesh shorts,
just, you know, broken everywhere,
just worn in.
No footwear, of course. Why?
You know? And he's on my sofa,
propped up just like this.
On his computer.
With hisballs just split
right down the middle.
I go, "I'm sorry. Can I get you a cigar?"
I said, "Can you close your legs?
You're polluting my visual space."
I've never even sat like that
in my own fucking house!
And I go, "Jakey, why are you the only
person in this house not wearing AirPods?"
"Every woman is wearing AirPods,
and you're not."
He's like, "Oh, sorry, Chels. Sorry."
Second day, same thing.
"Where are your AirPods?" "Sorry."
On the third day,
I go, "Hey, miracle ear."
"Where are your AirPods?
They look like two tiny little balls."
"They shouldn't be hard for you to find."
He goes, "Oh, hey, I'm just watching..."
He's a sports journalist.
So what he's listening to is more annoying
than any noise I can think of.
He goes, "I'm just watching this classic
Michael Jordan basketball play."
"If you come over here,
I can explain to you
how basketball works."
I was like, "We are in my mansion."
"And let me explain something
to you, Jakey."
"I don'tgive a shit
about how basketball works."
"And if I did,
I would have been paying attention
for the last 45 years of my life,
like I was to the sun and the moon."
I know two things about basketball.
I know that Michael Jordan is theGOAT.
I saw that documentary,The Last Dance.
I saw that.
I know. He... Yeah.
I've never seen anything like...
That's somebody who's earned the right
to wear basketball mesh shorts.
Broken in the middle, you know?
He has earned the right to do that.
Sitting in the middle
of his own documentary
with a whiskey neat,
with his eyes bloodshot
'cause he's shit-faced the entire time.
Six-time champion bitching about
every single person
he's ever played against.
I was like,
"You are the man, motherfucker. Yeah."
I know two things about basketball.
I know Michael Jordan is the GOAT.
And I know theDenver Nuggets
have nothing to do with chicken fingers.
Explain to me how basketball works?
It's like, "Oh my God."
I know it must be confusing for men
because we used to like that.
I know I did.
When you wanted to fuck a guy
and he knew about something
you didn't know about,
you're like, "Yeah."
You know? You'd listen to him
talk about almost anything.
I'd be like, "Yeah,
I wanna know how a sprinkler works."
But then you guys overdid it.
You explained too much,
and now we're pissed.
And my sister, Simone,
sees this little exchange,
and she goes, "Hey, I feel like the kids
are starting to get on your nerves."
I was like, "Do you think so?"
And she said,
"I think Jakey is really stressed out."
I said, "Is he?"
And she goes, "Yeah." I go,
"What is stressing Jakey out?"
And she goes, "The pandemic."
I said, "More so than the rest of us?"
And she goes, "He's a guy."
She goes, "I think
it would do him some good
to have some female interaction."
"Maybe have, like, a COVID-safe date
in the backyard."
"You know, they won't touch.
They'll play cards or something."
"I just think it will...
it will improve his, like, mood."
And I'm looking at my sister
like she's an alien.
I said, "You want him
to have a date come over
so they can play cards in the backyard?"
"And then what?
He's gonna jerk off into my pool? What?"
"What is happening?
What is the run of events?"
I said, "And who's playing cards anymore
anyway? Are we on the set of Cocoon?"
She's like, "It's gonna be
better for his mood."
I'm looking at my sister. I'm like,
"Oh my God. I need a cocktail."
I said, "Sure, Simone.
Let's go out to my friend's house."
We go to my friend's house,
have a couple of cocktails.
We get pretty buzzed.
We come home, and here's my nephew,
propped up on my kitchen stool,
shit-faced.
You know, like young, drunk face.
Red in the face everywhere.
With his head in his hands,
like super dramatically.
You know, like he's got
the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Like he'sDr. Fauci or something.
He's sitting there. I'm looking at him,
like, "Oh my God, are you kidding me?"
I go, "What's the matter, Jakey?
Did you not get any penetration tonight?"
He looks up, and he goes,
"No, I didn't!
And it's really frustrating!"
I couldn't even make eye contact
with my sister.
I've been to therapy. I know
when to remove myself from the situation
because I will strike someone.
So I left, I went upstairs
to my big girl bedroom,
and I lit ajoint and I sat there,
and thought
about what I had just witnessed.
And my sister comes up and she goes,
"Hey, sorry about that."
I go, "Youare sorry."
I said, "You have a 24, a 21,
and an 18-year-old living in my house."
"When is this whole parenting thing
gonna wrap itself the fuck up?"
She goes, "It's my job."
I said, "What?"
She goes, "It's my job to listen to him."
I said, "It's your job
to listen to your 24-year-old son
bitch and moan about how horny he is
in the middle of a global pandemic
where thousands of people
are dying every single day?"
"You know who else is horny?!"
"Know who's been jerking off to
Michael Jordan for fucking eight weeks?"
"And can't do anything about it 'cause
you won't get the fuck out of my house."
So they left.
And then it was go time.
I was like, "Let's get down to business."
I went and got
my own at-home COVID health test,
which meant I could nasally swab
any potential penetrators
that showed up in my backyard.
So they would come over...
I would stagger theircall times
'cause I'm not an idiot.
I'd have someone come at 7:00,
someone come at 8:00, come at 9:00.
I knew they wouldn't all behome runs.
So they'd come over.
I'd give them the nasal swab.
I'd run into my kitchen,
plug it into a cartridge,
and it took about, like, 30 minutes
to run the diagnostics.
And within that 30 minutes,
I could go back outside
and interview them from six feet away.
And if they said anything annoying,
or I saw apinkie ring,
I would say, "You have COVID."
"You have to quarantine
for two weeks now."
The first guy that came over to my house
wasn't really my type.
He was pretty muscular. Too muscular.
He looked like he just came from the gym.
Tattoos everywhere.
Also not my thing,
but we're in a pandemic.
I'm not gonna be judgy, you know?
I was desperate.
I interviewed him. I was like, "Okay."
I could visualize him being inside of me.
I go inside. I look at his COVID test.
It's negative.
I come backout.
I go, "Just one more question."
I was slightly paranoid. We all
were slightly paranoid at this point.
This is when I was still
Windex-ing my to-go food.
And I said, "Just one more question."
"Morally, what do you think's appropriate
during this time?"
He said, "Well, I wear a mask
all the time."
I go, "Great. That's all I care about."
He said, "But I don't think they work."
I said, "What? What? What did you say?"
He goes, "What?"
I go, "What are you, a doctor?"
"No." "Are you a scientist?"
"No." "Are you a male nurse?"
"No." "Then who gives a shit what you
think about masks working or not?"
"Who gives a shit
about your stupid opinion?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Now you have COVID.
Get the fuck out of my house!"
"Get out! Go home.
I want you to think about what you did."
"I was just about to fuck you."
Second guy comes over to my house
an hour later.
Within 30 seconds, he's in my backyard
and mentions that he hurt his ball...
at the gym that morning.
I will never understand whystraight guys
think it's appropriate
to mention your balls ever.
Never mind on a first encounter
with a potential suitor.
I want everystraight man
sitting here tonight
to think about a time where you were
on a first date with a woman
and you heard the term "labia."
It's never happened. Never, ever happened.
In the history of the world,
no straight woman...
Maybe lesbians.
No straight woman
has ever been like,
"Oh, I'm pretty banged up down there."
"It was Flag Day. You know how that goes."
Never!
No woman's like, "Oh, I caught my labia
on the Peloton this morning."
Unbelievable.
Just so you guys all know, that happens
to us every time we ride a Peloton.
So man up, you pussies.
I was like, "What's going on?
Look how cute I am. Look at me."
My God, this is the best I've ever looked.
My boobies are real.My ass is juicy.
I was ready to spread my love around town.
And men were making it impossible.
I was like,
"I'm gonna have to go to Canada."
Canadian men can be slightly boring,
but at least they're appropriate,
you know?
No Canadian is getting into a fight
at a CVS
about wearing a mask
in the middle of a plague.
No Canadian manbrings up his ball
within the first 30 seconds
of an interaction.
And I love toski. That's my passion.
So I love Canada for that reason.
And during COVID,
I realized I don't have regular hobbies.
Other people were getting excited
to go for long walks
or do puzzles.
Or do crafts.
I was like, "Oh my God."
I have three interests.
I like to smoke pot, I like to read books,
and I like to fucking ski.
Those are my passions.
I don't have other interests.
I don't know how to dance or sing.
Although, when I was a child,
I had a lot of misplaced confidence.
And I believed I could dance,
and I could sing,
and that the world would be a better place
once I started doing that.
And the first opportunity I got,
I was 12 years old, in middle school,
and they had cheerleading auditions,
and I was like, "This is it."
This is my moment where I'm gonna
get the respect I believed I deserved.
I went into those cheerleading auditions.
They had a routine
that everybody needed to learn.
I was like, "Fuck that noise.
I got my own shit going on."
Exactly.
I walkedout of school that day
with my head held high.
For the first time in my elementary
or middle school career,
I was like, "I got this."
And I came in early the next day,
and I went right up to the whiteboard
where they listed everyone's names
who had made the cheerleading team,
and as I was approaching the whiteboard,
the school nurse intercepted me.
And she said, "Sweetie,
we all saw
your cheerleading audition yesterday,
and I need you
to come to the nurse's office with me
so we can test you for scoliosis."
And I'm sitting in her office,
and I'm like,
"So am I on the squad?"
She goes, "No, honey.
You're not on any squad."
And she said, "When you get home today,
we also need you to get from your parents
your proof of vaccination for polio."
"Something's up with your back."
I went home that day. I was flabbergasted.
I couldn't believe what had happened.
I stormed home. I walked home...
I was in a rage.
I opened the front door and smashed it,
walked into my mother's kitchen,
where she was making macaroni and cheese
'cause she thought
that was a healthy fucking snack.
And I said, "Hey! I auditioned
for the cheerleading team yesterday,
and, today, the school nurse
tested me for scoliosis."
"Do you know anything about that?"
And she turned around and she said,
"We told you never to dance."
But I wasn't anidiot.
I knew that those two diagnoses,
polio, scoliosis,
I was like,
"That's gonna come in handy later."
"I'll put that in myback pocket."
And it wasn't long.
I had a German test a few weeks later,
and I woke up...
You know when you woke up in middle school
remembering you hadn't studied
for something
you were supposed to study for?
I shot out of bed. I'm like, "Oh fuck,
I didn't study for my German test."
And I didn't care about learning German,
'cause I'm a Jew.
It's too soon.
But I heard my mother's footsteps
coming down the hallway.
And I just sat in my bed,
shot my legs out.
- And she opened the door.
- I'm like...
I said, "Ma, I don't know what happened."
"I don't know
if this is the polio acting up or what."
"But I woke up like this."
My mom would give me such aside eye.
'Cause I was a liar growing up.
I lied about everything.
And my parents knew I was a liar.
And my mom looked at me. She goes,
"Oh really? Now you have polio?"
I go, "I don't know
what else this could be."
I said, "They only goout like that.
They won't bend at the knee."
"What..."
She goes, "If you think you have polio,
we have to go to the emergency room."
"You can't just sit at home all day
watching your soap operas."
I was like, "Let's go."
And then she didn't know what to do.
She was flummoxed.
She goes, "Well..."
She hands me a pair
of my stonewashed jeans on the floor.
She throws them at me, "If we're going
to the ER, put those jeans on."
I was like, "Okay."
I was 12. I knew how to scissor.
I was like...
Shimmied one leg down,
and then I switched 'em.
All the time, making eye contact with her,
like that fucked-up doll Chucky.
I was like, "Yeah, bitch."
Then I shimmied 'em up my waist,
and I hopped up. I go, "Let's go."
And we get to the hospital,
and I'm in this hospital gown,
lying on a gurney,
and the doctor comes in with this needle
that's, like, four inches long,
and starts pricking me from my ankle
all the way up to my thigh.
He's like, "Can you feel this?"
I was like... "No."
"I told you. I can't feel anything."
The whole time, I'm like, "Shit. I wish
I had known this is the test for polio."
"I would have picked
a more believable disease."
"Like chlamydia or something."
And at the end of the exam,
he closes the curtain
to talk to my mother privately,
and he says,
"Your daughter doesn't have polio,
and she doesn't have scoliosis."
"But she does need
a psychiatric evaluation."
I'm like, "That sounds like
another day off from school."
So that's why skiing
is so important to me,
because it took me so long
to get good at it
'cause I'm physically uncoordinated.
And I take skiing very seriously.
And my spot is Whistler, Canada.
That's where I love to go.
I go with my family
every year for Christmas.
I go every year for my birthday
to film my topless videos.
But my only dilemma was to bring my dogs
or to leave them here.
Because I didn't know
if I was gonna be able to come back.
The borders were pretty tight.
And I have two dogs
left over from the Gary saga.
And I didn't wanna leave them here
because they already believe
that my housekeeper, Mabelle,
is their birth mother.
And that I'm some slutty au pair.
that comes sauntering through the house
every three to four weeks.
I don't know if Mabelle
is hiding peanut butter in her underwear,
but I believe that she is.
Because I was the one
that went to the rescue.
I know enough to know that you have to be
the one to rescue your dogs
so that they know that you're the mommy.
And I went to a chow rescue
because that's my favorite type of dog.
They look like real, live teddy bears
with their purple tongues
and their tails that go up.
They're aloof. I also respect that.
I went to a chow rescue. I said,
"I'm looking for any sort of chow mix."
"Preferably slightly obese.
What do you have?"
And she said, "We have
a brother and sister combo platter."
I was like, "I like the sound of that."
I'm from a big family.
I love a sibling dynamic.
I was like, "Bring themout."
And I will never forget this image
of seeing the male dog round the corner,
and his ass was so giant
that, even though
he was running towards me,
that was the first feature I saw.
And he had that neck meat that I love.
The neck meat was swaying back and forth.
And then he had underarm meat
that was also swaying back and forth.
I was like, "Oh my God.
This is a dog you could hide jewelry in."
And then the female,
sister version of him,
she was more
of a petite filet femaleversion of him,
came around the corner,
and she was scrappier.
She looked like she had
just gotten off a bus from Guadalajara.
She had alopecia down her back.
Bald. You know, a bald tail.
She had a diamond earring in her ear.
I was like, "Oh my God,
back the fuck up, bitch."
"You're safe now. You're with Mommy."
And then the woman from the rescue said,
"Their names are Bertrand and Bernice."
I almostclimaxed right there on the dirt.
I had to look away from her
so she didn't think I was a predator.
I was like, "Oh my God, that is exactly
what I was gonna name them!"
I scooped them right up.
I'm like, "Come on, guys.
I'm your mother now. Let's go."
I had to take themstraight to the vet,
you know, because they were rescues,
and Bernice's teeth were ahot mess.
She looked like she was from London.
And the vet calls me, and she goes,
"Hi, we're heading into surgery right now,
and I just wanna let you know
that we may have to remove
all of Bernice's teeth."
I was like, "No. Absolutely not.
She's not living that lifestyle anymore."
"She's not moving toBel Air
with no teeth, okay?"
Talk about an underdog.
She needs two teeth at the very least.
So she can chew and defend herself
in case of an emergency.
And then the vet said,
"And Bert needs to lose 17 pounds."
I hung up on that bitch.
I said to my housekeeper, Mabelle,
"Under no circumstances
are we body-shaming this dog."
"If anything, we are expanding his size."
And then I made a crucial mistake.
I went away
too soon after I rescued these dogs.
I didn't know that that was a rule.
I just went away for 48 hours.
And I came back
and saw my housekeeper of 15 years
walking through my kitchen
wearing two ankle weights.
And guess who was behind her,
wearing four?
Bert.
I go, "What are you doing?
What is going on here?"
She goes,
"Momma and Poppa are on a diet."
I said, "Oh really?
You're Momma and he's Poppa?"
"Who the fuck am I in this scenario?"
She goes, "You are Baby Pig."
That's what my housekeeper calls me.
Baby Pig.
Fifteen years together
and she calls me Baby Pig.
And now all of my friends
also call me Baby Pig.
She calls me Baby Pig
'cause she leaves chocolate nut clusters,
Turtles, that's my favorite snack...
She leaves them on my pillow
every single night,
which would be nice if I lived in a hotel.
But then sheups the ante and she removes
the cellophane from the Turtles,
so they arebare-backing my pillow.
And then comes in every morning going,
"Where is the stain, you baby pig?
Where is it?"
She's trying toframe me in my own house.
And she loves
that my dogs prefer her over me.
She can't get enough of it.
When she leaves every day at 4:30,
Bert sits at the window.
He sees her minivan take off,
and he getspissed
and slams his head on the ground,
concusses himself,
and is in a blackout until 8:00 a.m.
when she returns the next morning.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
which is the entire reason
I even have dogs...
All I wanna do is just sleep with them.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
I have to lure them,
like a molester.
I have to get their leashes
inside the house.
I have to put their leashes on
inside the house.
And I have to get a chicken wing
out of the refrigerator,
then I have to put on
one of Mabelle's scarves,
so they smell her scent.
And I have to speak in Spanish
the whole way up to my bedroom,
and say, "Come to Mama, Papa.
Venga, venga. Vamos, vamos."
I've had more one-night stands
that are less demeaning
than my relationship with my dogs.
Then when they get up to my bedroom,
I lure them up the doggy steps.
When they're on the bed, I have to kick
the steps away so that they're trapped.
After two months of this,
I was like, "This is dehumanizing."
I said, "These dogs suck."
And then aWestwood rescue called me,
and they said, "Oh, we have a rescue.
He's a Leonberger."
I was like, "What's that?"
And they sent me a picture.
I was like,
"That's not my type," you know?
He's 110 pounds. A big dog.
Lean, muscular. Not into that.
But again, I was desperate.
I went down there. I saw the dog.
I'm like, "Maybe he and I
can have a connection."
So I grabbed him, and I named himHodor.
Awww!
I took him home with Bert and Bernice.
I put them all in my bedroom.
I closed the door, and I thought,
"They'll figureout
who the alpha male is," you know?
Or the alpha dog is.
Let them sort itout.
I'm not gonna be a helicopter parent.
So I popped anedible,
and I went to sleep.
I like to be asstoned as possible
when I sleep at night.
Just in case anythinggoes down.
Just in case there's a burglary
or an intruder or a rapist.
I wanna sleep through that attack.
I don't wanna wake up in the night
looking for a steak knife
or a panic button and fight off somebody.
I wanna slowlypass away
while that attack is happening.
If Michael Jackson's doctor
were still a doctor,
he would be my doctor.
So I go to sleep.
I drift off into la la land.
I wake up to a sound
I had never heard before.
Like a coyote was in my bedroom.
That's what it sounded like.
And I turn the light on and I look,
and I see one of my dogs
wrapped around the new dog, Hodor,
like a shape-shifter.
At first, I couldn't tell
if it was Bert or Bernice.
And then I realized it was Bernice
'cause she was still in ayellow nglige
I had put her in the night before.
And her eyes were bloodshot andred,
just like Michael Jordan's
in his documentary.
She looked like
she may have put on a little lipstick too.
She was biting Hodor's neck. I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's winning."
I gotout of bed. I grabbed my daughter
and threw her across the room,
into my closet,
and then I shut the closet door.
And then Hodor's coming for us,
and I fought him off,
and then guided himout of my bedroom door
and shut that door.
And then I go back into my bedroom
and just collapse.
And I'm like, "Oh my God,
I'm so high. What was that?"
"Who were those people?"
And then I look down,
and my breast was exposed.
And my nipple was bleeding.
And I checked
to make sure it was still attached.
And I thought,
"I'll deal with this tomorrow."
Then I grabbed the doggy steps
and put them back up against the bed,
and I climbed up them.
And I lay in my bed,
and I texted my assistant, Tanner,
and said, "I'm gonna need to see
the security footage
from my bedroom tonight."
"And if you wouldn't mind
putting it to some Shania Twain...
or some other upbeat music,
I would appreciate that."
"I'd like to watch it
the next time my landscaper and I
do mushrooms together."
And in that footage...
when you watch it in slow motion,
you see me stumble out of bed,
looking likeGary Busey.
Picking up my own daughter
and tossing her across the sky,
while she is twirling in the air
with her belly facing the ceiling.
Then, at some point,
she straightens herself out
like a squirrel
and flips a bitch like a 747 in the sky
to come back and bite me in the tit.
With the two teeth
I campaigned for her to keep.
So, yeah, I took her to Whistler.
I respect the shitout of that dog.
I took them both to Whistler.
"We're gonna be in a winter wonderland."
"I'm gonna imprint
new memories on their brains."
"They're gonna forget aboutMabelle."
I had to quarantine for two weeks.
It just snowed every day.
All I could do was walk the dogs.
I had never even taken them
for a walk before.
The second day, we were walking,
and this Canadian woman
comes around the corner,
and she's got a big parka and Ugg boots.
She sees Bert and Bernice and she goes...
And I go, "What?"
And she goes,
"Why aren't they on leashes?"
I was like, "'Cause they're so lazy.
Like, they can't even walk."
"They're never gonna run.
Like, don't worry about it."
She goes, "It's not for me. Somebody else
could think that they're bears."
I said, "They're both
wearing handkerchiefs."
"Do you know
a lot of bears that get dressed up
before they go out to murder?"
My quarantine ended. I wanted to ski.
All I cared about was skiing.
But I had no one to ski with.
That's not really safe.
So I was like, "Oh God, what do I do?"
So I hired a ski guide.
And he slowly transitioned
into a full-time prostitute.
And then I got a yeast infection.
I was like...
"Are you kidding me?"
I mean, that is the story
of being a woman.
You're so horny, you're so horny,
you find somebody to penetrate you,
and then you have an allergic reaction
to that person.
So I go down to the pharmacy,
and I'm going through the pharmacy aisles,
looking for yeast infection cures,
and I come across Monistat 3,
which means you rub this cream
on your pikachu,
and in three days,
your yeast infection is gone.
Or if you're having a really good time
and you want to extend it by four days,
there's Monistat 7.
I was like, "I'm sorry.
Is there not a ten or 14-day option
if I want to treat this
like a regular spring break
because I love scratching mybeaver
in front of strangers?"
You know who came up
with that medication? A man.
I couldn't believe it.
I'm like, "What is this?"
So I text my doctor in LA.
In America, we get aDiflucan.
That's one large pill. You take it.
48 hours later, yeast infection is gone.
I said, "Can you prescribe me a Diflucan?"
He said, "They don't have that in Canada,
but I will get you something comparable."
I'm like, "Okay."
He calls it into the pharmacy.
I'm pacing up and down the pharmacy.
I'm in my ski outfit. My ski boots,
my helmet. I look like a giant dick.
And then he calls my name.
I go over, and he hands me a pill
that's bigger than Diflucan.
The size of a small missile.
So I pop it in my mouth,
I chug some water,
and I get back out there,
and I go on the chairlift.
And I'm riding up the chairlift
with two complete strangers,
and the pill
is not going down my throat.
I'm like, "This is a really big pill."
"Why won't it go down?"
I'm like...
I'm like, "I've got to dislodge this
before I start skiing. It's dangerous."
"I can't ski
with a pill in my throat like this."
I get to the top.
It's still not down. I'm like...
"I gotta get some more water."
I go into the bar. I get a margarita.
I chug that down.
I'm like...
And the pill
still will not go down my throat.
I'm like, "I'm in a realpickle here."
I'm like, "What is going on?"
And then I take the wrapper
that it came in out of my ski pants,
and in big, bold,black lettering,
it says, "For vaginal use only."
I was like, "Oh,whoopsie-doodle."
So I text my doctor.
And I'm like, "Hey."
I said... "Hey, you."
I said, "That pill
that you prescribed me, does that work
whichever hole you put it in?"
And he wrote back,
"Which hole did you put it in?"
I'm like, "What?"
Counting my holes. I'm like, "What?"
I wrote back, "Not my butt."
And he wrote back, "Oh dear."
The next 48 hours were excruciating
while I waited for a sourdough starter kit
to pop out of my mouth.
I was like, "Oh great.
Now I'm a baker. A Canadian baker."
After that fiasco,
I finally was able to meet a friend.
Her name was Kelly.
We skied together for a couple of days.
I said, "Hey,
you're really cool and everything,
but what I'm really looking for is a man."
"Okay? I'm here for,
I don't know, three months, six months."
"Who knows how long
this is gonna go on for?"
"But I would like somebody I can ski with
and then have sex with, in that order,
and you'renot gonna cut it."
I said, "I will never, ever contact
this person once I leave Whistler."
"This is a huge opportunity for somebody."
She goes, "I can help you."
I go, "Great. That's perfect."
She said, "Come to a party
with me on Saturday."
So I go with her to a party in Whistler.
I'm sitting on a sofa.
A man walks into the party, and she goes,
"That's the guy I wanna set you up with."
I look over,
and here's a guy wearing a captain's hat.
Yeah!
No. Not "yes."
I don't know what happens to men
when they put on captain's hats.
But it's embarrassing to watch.
Do you know how much
micro dick energy it takes
to put on a captain's hat and then act
like you have a fleet of ships
or a fleet of fucking planes?
You know how embarrassing it is
to be like, "Waaah, I'm a captain now"?
No, you're not. You're not a captain.
I've studied this for a long time
'cause my father used to wear
a captain's hat.
And we would take the ferry over
to Martha's Vineyard
every summer from Boston,
and he would wear a captain's hat
on the ferry.
And the entire ferry ride,
I would be so paranoid
that the real captain
would come down and see
that my father was in a Halloween costume.
And it's only white guys
that pull this kind of shit.
Black guys don't fucking put on
captain's hats and act like assholes.
Asian guys are definitely
not pulling that shit,
and Latino guys aren't doing it either.
Well, Pitbull is,
but he's a special situation.
Because anyone in our society
who's, like, a real captain,
you know, heroes,
they would never put on a captain's hat
in the first place.
Nobody would deem themselves a captain.
The real heroes of our society,
who are nurses and teachers
and flight attendants...
Yeah. Those are the heroes now.
Flight attendants.
Can you believe
the shit that they've had to put up with
the last three years?
Innocent women
and gay men...
who just wanted to spend a few extra
weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta
now have to spend their shifts duct-taping
fat Republicans to their airplane seats.
Unbelievable.
Talk about a societal breakdown.
They're not equipped
to be fighting crime in the sky.
So I see this guy right away,
and I'm like, "Boner killer."
I'm like, "There's no way."
He sees me andmakes a beeline,
comes straight over to me.
And he goes, "Are you Chelsea Handler?"
I go, "No."
And I look down,
and he's wearing flip-flops.
I'm like, "This is a double assault."
In the middle
of a winter storm in February,
this guy's wearing flip-flops.
I am so done with men
extending their visa for flip-flops.
You are allowed to wear them
in one season. It's called summer.
Okay? Don't extend boundaries.
Those are our shoes.
They're for us
and for gay men who get fucking pedicures.
Don't flaunt your feet in our faces.
We're sick of it.
He goes, "You have a problem
with flip-flops?" I go, "I do."
I said, "And just so you know,
there's a whole other group of men
that love to wear flip-flops
in the wintertime
and also argue with women."
"They're called the Taliban."
"Think about that the next time you wanna
slap those puppies on your feet, okay?"
He goes, "Let me cut the tension."
"My name is Gregg."
I said, "Let me guess.Two Gs?"
He goes, "How did you know?"
I go, "Because of your outfit."
And then he tried again. He goes, "Quick.
Top ten favorite bands. Name 'em."
I was like, "Nickelback."
And then, as alast-ditch effort,
he goes, "I have drugs."
I said, "You'd better."
And he takesout this plastic bag
filled with all these capsules.
"What is that?" He said, "It's Molly."
And he goes to hand me one capsule.
I said, "Please give me the whole bag."
I said, "Listen to me,
Grejjjj."
"You might be wearing the captain's hat,
but I'm the captain now."
"And you don't deserve your drugs."
"These drugs are now
for every woman at this party
who had to see that outfit
walk in the door."
He goes, "You seem angry."
I said, "Oh, I am."
"I'm angry on behalf of all women."
"That a man like you
thinks he can wear an outfit like that
and come to a party and fuck
a girl like me. Not gonna happen."
I'm angry that, after everything
we've learned as a society,
all together, men and women alike,
and everything in between,
all together, everything we've learned
about the imbalance of power
and what abuse
women have been subjected to,
that men aren't just walking up
and the first sentenceout of their mouth
is "I'm sorry."
After everything we've gleaned
about the imbalance of power
and the abuse that women have been
subjected to at the hands of men...
It doesn't mean you're guilty
or you're guilty.
It doesn't mean anything like that.
As a society,
you all owe us a fucking apology.
Honestly.
You're arguing with us aboutflip-flops
and a captain's... I mean, honestly!
And I know...
If you're a straight, white man
sitting here tonight,
I know somebody made you come.
I know if you're not a girl orgay
or transitioning or non-binary,
somebody dragged your ass here tonight.
And I know whenstraight, white men
hear the sound of my voice
or the name Chelsea Handler,
they're like, "Get the fuck away from me!"
I know that.
But I don't need you to like me in order
for me to try to fucking help you, okay?
It's not easy for me either.
I have to wake up two hours earlier
than everyone just to de-cuntify myself.
I have to sit on the edge of my bed
like a baby
and do a mantra that says,
"Do not be a cunt today. You are one."
But after all this time, when you guys
ask us stupid fucking questions,
like, "We don't know what to do anymore.
Can we still open the door for you?"
It's like, "Yeah."
"You've been raping us
since the beginning of time."
"The least you could do
is open the door for us."
"Open it, close it,
and then open it again, you moron!"
"Are you missing the entire conversation?"
I mean, it's unbelievable.
My brother's like, "Chelsea,
not all white guys are bad guys."
I go, "Nobody said that.
Nobody ever said that."
"But now you sound suspicious."
And if you're not the asshole...
I'm assuming if you're sitting
in this audience tonight,
you're with a woman or a man
who's already explained this shit to you.
If you're not the asshole,
you know an asshole,
and you need to spread this messaging.
No more complaining. No more complaining
about how hard it is to be a white guy.
Do you understand how insulting that is?
"It's so hard to be a white guy now."
We just won the right to do what we want
with our bodies 50 years ago,
and it's being taken away from us today.
So don't call us hysterical.
We're not hysterical.
Okay? We're not hysterical.
Your opinions on racism and sexism
are irrelevant.
You're not the victims of that.
You're the perpetrators.
I was in Whistler
three and a half, four months maybe.
I came home
and nine...
nine of my girlfriends
who were in heterosexual relationships
had transitioned
into full-timepussy pounders.
Nine of my girlfriends.
There is a mass exodus
of adult onset lesbianism happening
as a direct result of men's behavior.
People who are not naturallygay
are contemplating becoming gay.
You are turning us against you
and towards beaver.
I called my sisterfrom the moon,
and I said,
"Hey, you and I
might need to become a couple."
She said, "I don't want that."
I said, "Nor do I. Okay?"
"But pickings are getting pretty slim."
"So get yourself a pair ofBirkenstocks
'cause we might be heading to Maine."
That's how serious
the situation has gotten.
You are forcing me to contemplate
going down on my own sister.
And that's why I'm dating a Filipino man.
Because no man has ever spoken to me
or treated me
the way thatJo Koy speaks to me
and treats me.
I mean...
Some of the things he says to me,
I can't even believe he's for real.
I'm like, "What?"
We were on one of our first dates,
we were at a restaurant,
and the owner of the restaurant,
some big, fat idiot, comes to our table
and he goes, "Hey, I saw your name
on the reservation list, Chelsea."
"Not a big fan, but my wife is.
But she's my third wife."
I said, "Well, good luck
with your fourth wife, sir."
He walked away from the table
and Jo Koy goes,
"That just made my dick hard."
My confidence and my inability
to take shit from anybody turns him on.
Instead of me
having to shrink my personality
to avoid emasculating a man,
he's fucking turned on by who I am.
You know how sexy that is? Uh!
We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving,
and I put on a bikini,
and I said, "Honey, can you check out
my cellulite on the back of my ass?"
"Is it too bad?" He goes, "What?"
"Cellulite is what makes a woman a woman.
That's fucking hot."
I was like, "That just made my dick hard."
I didn't even know that was a sentence.
I was like, "I have to write this down
so every woman can hear that sentence."
Yes!
I'm a Jewish girl from New Jersey
who has never, ever liked giving blow jobs
because one guy from high school
ruined it for the rest of the guys
I was ever gonna have sex with.
His name is Daniel Lombardo.
L-O-M-B-A-R-D-O.
I tried to give him
my very first blow job.
You know how intimidating that is
for a 16-year-old girl, to go down on...
You don't even know what you're gonna do
when you get down there.
Like, "I guess I'll just whistle."
I tried to give
my very first blow job to Daniel,
and I put my head down there,
and then Daniel put his hand
on the back of my head.
And I got up and kicked him in thenuts.
Now that I'm being seen and respected,
I take Jo Koy's hand
and put it on the back of my head
'cause I love blow jobs now.
I can't get enough of them.
Sometimes, I even put myInvisalign in.
The other night,
we were both performing in Missouri.
I was in Kansas City,
and he was in Springfield.
And we were two and a half hours away,
but we both had two nights of a show.
One night and then the next night.
That's what two nights means.
And he texted me after the first show.
"I'm coming to kiss you good night."
"I can't be this close to you
and not kiss you good night."
Awww!
He drove two and a half hours there
and two and a half hours back.
Awww!
I would never do that for anyone.
We were in New York City the other night.
We got home,
and I was like,
"Oh shit, I forgot to get tampons."
He goes, "Honey, sit down.
I'll get your tampons for you."
I go, "Absolutely not.
It's 2:30 in the morning."
"It's New York City.
It's not safe. I'll go with you."
And he looked at me, sat me down.
He goes, "You've been buying tampons
your entire life."
"I'm gonna buy your tampons from now on."
That made me wanna doanal.
Okay? So just start
sprinkling that bullshit around, guys.
I'm gonna write a handbook for men
called The Filipino In Me.
Just start saying that shit to us.
You don't have to believe it.
Just start saying it
and you'll start believing it.
But more important,
we'll start hearing it.
We need to hear that stuff.
We need to hear that cellulite is sexy.
And if you're sitting in this audience
and you haven't found your person yet,
please do not ever lower your standards
or panic because you think
you're getting too old.
Your person is coming,
and they're not wearingflip-flops
and a captain's hat.
I said to him...
I go, "I love you to the moon and back."
He said, "Honey, you don't even know
where the fucking moon is."
Thank you, Nashville! Thank you so much!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thanks, guys!
Thank you!
Hello. Hi.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Nashville!
This was fucking awesome.
Nashville, Tennessee,
are you ready?
Ryman Auditorium, are you ready?
Please welcome
Chelsea Handler!
Yeah!
What's up, Nashville?
Oh, yeah, what a warm welcome.
Woo!
Oh my God, you guys, we made it.
We're survivors!
We survived a global pandemic,
and now we're gonna pretend
it's not happening anymore.
And I amdown with that!
What an exciting time to be alive.
Right? I mean, I don't wanna
toot my own horn, you guys,
but after the last
two and a half, three years
of watching everybody
stuck inside their houses
with their spouses
and babies,
I have never been more confident
in my life-decision-making skills.
In remaining childless and alone!
The entire reason
that I have never had a child
was on theoff chance...
I might live through a global pandemic
and would have to home school it.
Fuck that noise.
There are people that will never recover
from what happened.
And they're called parents.
Can you imagine becoming a parent,
you've already made a huge miscalculation,
and the one reprieve you get
is when you send that child
off to school to get an education,
and that is stolen away from you
in the name of a plague?
The real reason I've never had a child
was I don'twanna be responsible
for conveying misinformation
to people that are growing.
You know? I'm still confused
about a lot of shit that is going on.
And at a certain age,
it is too embarrassing to ask questions.
I only recently foundout...
And by recently, I mean seven years ago,
when I turned 40.
I only recently foundout
that the sun and the moon
are not the same thing.
I was flabbergasted.
I was in Africa on safari
with my older sister, Simone,
and we were riding an elephant,
and there was an African man
riding the elephant for us
because that's what richwhite bitches do.
And we were trotting along,
or whatever it's called
when an elephant is on the move.
And my sister, Simone,
slaps me on the shoulder,
and she goes,
"Chels, Chels, look up at the sky."
"It's not often you get to see the sun...
and the moon
at the same time."
And I was like...
I was likeScooby-Doo.
"Where is it?"
I said, "Aren't they always together?"
And the look on my sister's face,
right away, I was like,
"Back that up. Back that up."
She goes, "What did you say?"
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She goes, "I heard what you said."
"And I need you to explain to me
what you think is happening
between the sun and the moon."
I was like, "Listen, honestly,
I haven't really thought about it."
"It's not a huge concern of mine."
"It's operating fine
without my interference."
"Why would I even get involved,
you narcissist?"
"But if you must know,
I just assumed
that when the sun dropped down,
it popped back up as the moon."
"Is that not what's going on?"
The man riding the elephant,
who spoke no English, went, "Pfft!"
He was thinking, "Anotherdumb American."
My sister goes, "How is it possible
that you're 40 years old
and you make this kind of living
and you don't know basic astronomy?"
I said, "Why don't you
back the duck up, okay?"
"We are in the southern hemisphere
right now."
"I don't even know
which moon you're talking about."
She goes, "No, you listen to me."
"There is one moon."
"In the whole solar system,
there's one fucking moon."
"And then there's a sun.
There's also one sun."
"And then there's one fuckingmoron.
Which one are you?"
I was like, "The sun?"
Before this pandemic, I had never
spent two weeks alone with myself.
I had never had a clue about how much
I enjoyed the pleasure of my own company.
I was fun.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'd wake up. I'd be in a good mood.
She'd be in a good mood.
I'd be like, "You wanna party?" I'm like,
"I don't know, does me? Yeah, let's go!"
Nothing serves as a better reminder
to not having children
as setting your alarm for 10:00 a.m.
on a Monday morning.
To remind yourself todo mushrooms.
Have you ever taken mushrooms,
walked outside into your backyard,
and talked to what you thought was a tree
for two hours
until you realized
you were talking to your landscaper?
Have you ever taken mushrooms
with your landscaper?
You know who has time for that?
People who make strong decisions.
I know people who are married
were going through their own personal hell
during COVID.
And single people were going through
their own version of hell
because we were like, "Oh, when are
we gonna get something going again?"
The firstdip there was in COVID,
it wasn't safe,
but I was like,
"I gotta get back out there."
I went in to see my gynecologist,
and I was like,
"Listen, just tell me what's safe."
You know, "Do I just get it from behind?
What's the best practice?"
She said, "I know you think
you're in your forties
and you can't get pregnant,
but I'm here to tell you
that you have the eggs of a 25-year-old."
I wanted to stab her with a fork
when she said that.
I told her she could take my eggs
and turn them into a frittata
for all I care.
I am looking towrap shit up
in this department,
not get the party started.
I'm not into elderly pregnancies.
Gross.
I once did a Gwyneth PaltrowGoop panel
in New York City,
and we were all on stage
on benches like this with microphones.
It was Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Laura Linney from Ozark, and me.
And we're all sitting there,
you know, talking about soap.
And the conversation slowly shifted
to parenting, so I nodded off.
I knew I had nothing to contribute
on that topic.
You know what I mean? I'm not arrogant
to think, "I'm gonna chime in."
Then I heard Laura Linney
talking about how all she ever wanted
her entire life was to become a mother.
That was her one true purpose.
And that she had
a really hard time getting pregnant,
and so she did several rounds
of in vitro fertilization.
And then,out of respect,
I opened my eyes.
And then she said the sentence,
"And then by someact of God,
I was able to vaginally give birth
at the age of 50," and I went...
"Bleurgh!"
And grabbed mypikachu.
My vagina sewed itself shut that day.
I thought I was gonnacatch her baby
just by virtue of her talking about it.
"Get the fuck away from me, Laura Linney."
"Get the fuck away from me
with your 50-year-old baby."
I'm not against people having children.
If you're passionate about wanting a baby,
I get it. I wanna support you.
But it's when you'reon the fence
and you have a baby.
When you're in your forties,
like many ofmy girlfriends,
who accidentally get pregnant,
and they're like...
"I guess I'll have a baby."
It's like, "Hey, bitch, get an abortion
while you still can, okay?"
You're not doing any baby any favor
by being on the fence
about becoming a parent.
Or my brother.
I was with my brother the other day,
and I said, "Why are you even a parent?"
I said, "You're not very good at it."
He said, "Chelsea,
I had to think about my legacy."
I said, "Who are you talking to?
Is someone behind me?"
"What are you talking..."
"You had to think about your... Who the fuck
are you to think about your lega..."
"Who do you think you are,
that people are waiting to see
what you leave behind on this earth?"
"Your legacy is
that you're my fucking brother."
So embarrassing when men
say things like that.
You know? Sometimes, you have to pretend
you can't hear. You're like...
I say I don't wanna be a mother,
but I wouldn't mind being a divorced dad.
I couldcrush that role.
Coming in hot at, like, 50% all the time.
Yeah. Showing up Friday afternoons
with unicorn frappuccinos,
and then back to TheCheesecake Factory,
and then back to Starbucks,
and then drop 'em off and skedaddle Monday
before shit really hits the fan.
I could crush that role.
Or a stepfather.
That's another role I would crush.
Nobody expects anything from you guys.
But it's important to know
when you don't have the skills
to raise a baby, you know?
Instead of shaming people,
we should say, "Oh, good."
"Good for you for knowing
that you shouldn't have a baby."
We should get acarbon credit
for not polluting to mass population.
I know I don't have the skills
to raise a baby.
I have rescued nine dogs in my life.
Thank you.
I've returned four.
Because I have a type.
And I'm impulsive,
and I don't think things through.
And like any other animal lover
here tonight,
when you have a type, you stick
to that type, and my type is slow
and overweight.
That is what I'm looking for in an animal.
I'm not looking to go on long walks
with my animal orgo for hikes
or evenplay fetch,
quite frankly, you know?
I wanna come home
at the end of a long day and snuggle.
I wanna get into bed with the Lion King,
you know, and have him on top of me
with his big, fat face
and his big, meaty neck
swaying back and forth
while I wrap my arms around him.
And then, when it gets too hot,
I can say, "Get the fuck off of me."
That's what I'm looking for
in a companion.
And I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.
We were filming something, obviously,
'cause I would never
seriously go to a dog show.
And I saw a Bernese mountain dog.
I had never seen this type of dog before.
I was like, "Oh my God. This is something
I would conjure up in my best dream."
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.
And they're lazy, you know?
They don't wanna do anything. I was like...
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.
Like, "Uh?"
I was like, "I want that dog."
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese mountain dog."
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.
You have to rescue all of your animals.
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
So I told my assistant, Tanner, "You need
to find me a used Bernese mountain dog."
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese mountain dog
traipsed into my life,
and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.
But I hadn't thought it through,
because puppies are energetic.
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp.
And they jump on everything.
And they're annoying.
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs
to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
I was like, "Oh my God, what is..."
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,
wearing a miner's lamp and knee pads,
waiting for the next altercation.
On day four, I found a dead owl...
...in my backyard.
I didn't even know owls were real.
I thought they were fromGame of Thrones.
And then Gary,
every time he slept, he would grow.
He would take a nap. He'd wake up,
and I'm like, "Is he bigger? Wha..."
And then I started to get suspicious,
so I got a scale. A doggy scale.
One night, before he went to sleep,
I weighed him, and he weighed 19 pounds.
And in the morning, he weighed 22 pounds.
I was like, "This dog
is going to swallow somebody."
I took him to the vet."I don't know
what's going on with this dog."
"Normally, I would be down with this,
but it's happening too fast,
and I'm scared."
And she said, very casually,
"Oh, this is a Bernese mountain dog."
"You have to massage their anal glands."
I said, "Well, we're gonna
have to put him down."
"So do you have a supervisor or..."
"Do I do that through PayPal? What's the..."
Then a couple of weeks later, I had
a doctor's appointment in Beverly Hills.
That's where you have to go
in Los Angeles.
All the doctors are on the same street.
I put all three dogs in my back seat.
I go to a parking garage in Beverly Hills.
I park on level four.
Gary weighed 49 pounds that morning.
So I gotout my calculator and figured out
how much I needed to open the window.
It was two and a half inches.
I cracked the window
two and a half inches 'cause I'm a mother.
I went to my doctor's appointment.
45 minutes. Not even an hour.
I come back, and Gary is gone.
And I could tell
by the way my other two dogs were acting
that one of them had opened the door...
and let Garyout.
So I look to my right,
and I look to my left.
I didn't see Gary,
and I thought, "Thank God that's over."
And then I drove down the four stories
hurriedly to get the fuck out of there.
And I drive down to the bottom, basecamp,
and I go up to the little glass partition
where the parking lot attendant lives...
and as I'm pulling up,
I see the parking lot attendant
in the little glass booth,
up against the wall,
and Gary is just jumping on him,
like this.
And I kept driving.
I just thought, "That's your father now.
Fuck you, Gary. Fuck you."
And I drove all the way home.
I get home, and my assistant, Tanner,
comes running out of the house, and goes,
"They found Gary! He's in a parking garage
in Beverly Hills."
I'm like, "Where's my baby?!"
And the whole way home,
I'm just like, "You're a cunt."
"You're a dirty little cunt."
I was like, "You can do better than this."
"You can be more maternal.
You have to try."
So I made a commitment.
I was like, "I will try."
I went and I picked him up,
and I did some skin-to-skin.
Then I took him to a doggy park,
and we walk into the doggy park,
and this woman named Teresa
comes running over, and she's like...
"Is that a Bernese mountain dog?"
I'm like, "It is. His name is Gary."
She's like, "I love
Bernese mountain dogs."
I'm like, "I thought I did too."
She's like, "I've always wanted one,
but they never have them at rescues."
I'm like,
"You're about to rescue one now."
I was like, "Please take Gary."
"I'll pay for his clothing and education.
Just fucking take him!"
Gary lives with Teresa now.
I found him his forever home.
That's how I look at that story.
And I know enough to know
that you can't do that
with a real live baby.
Especially if you are a celebrity.
You will get caught.
Now that we're done
making fun of brown and Black people,
I think it's a perfect opportunity
for us to focus on straight, white men.
I'll start.
My sister, the one from the moon,
invaded my house during COVID.
She calls me...
She has three children,
ages 24, 21, and 18.
Those aren't fucking children. Okay?
And they live in San Francisco,
so they're in an apartment.
So she goes, "We'reon top of each other."
"We might have to come down and live
with you in Los Angeles for a little bit."
Keep in mind, I'm having a great time
with my landscaper.
But it's my sister, so I say, "Of course,
yes, come move into our house."
Meanwhile, I'm googling,
"Which countries can I get into?"
And right away...
It didn't take 48 hours
for me to understand what everyone
has been bitching and moaning about
for the last five years.
Because I have one nephew, 24, Jakey,
and I have two nieces.
So that means four women
were living in my house, and one male.
And right away, I saw the difference.
'Cause women are conscientious
about each other and other people.
Everyone was wearingAirPods.
All the girls
on their Zoom-Zoom boom-booms
were wearing AirPods.
Any calls, they'd go
out of the room, you know,
to respect another person's privacy.
I was even wearing AirPods
in my own house.
I wasn't on a Zoom or listening to music.
I was just hoping
no one would interact with me.
And then I walk downstairs
into my living room,
and here's my 24-year-old nephew, Jakey,
wearing basketball mesh shorts,
just, you know, broken everywhere,
just worn in.
No footwear, of course. Why?
You know? And he's on my sofa,
propped up just like this.
On his computer.
With hisballs just split
right down the middle.
I go, "I'm sorry. Can I get you a cigar?"
I said, "Can you close your legs?
You're polluting my visual space."
I've never even sat like that
in my own fucking house!
And I go, "Jakey, why are you the only
person in this house not wearing AirPods?"
"Every woman is wearing AirPods,
and you're not."
He's like, "Oh, sorry, Chels. Sorry."
Second day, same thing.
"Where are your AirPods?" "Sorry."
On the third day,
I go, "Hey, miracle ear."
"Where are your AirPods?
They look like two tiny little balls."
"They shouldn't be hard for you to find."
He goes, "Oh, hey, I'm just watching..."
He's a sports journalist.
So what he's listening to is more annoying
than any noise I can think of.
He goes, "I'm just watching this classic
Michael Jordan basketball play."
"If you come over here,
I can explain to you
how basketball works."
I was like, "We are in my mansion."
"And let me explain something
to you, Jakey."
"I don'tgive a shit
about how basketball works."
"And if I did,
I would have been paying attention
for the last 45 years of my life,
like I was to the sun and the moon."
I know two things about basketball.
I know that Michael Jordan is theGOAT.
I saw that documentary,The Last Dance.
I saw that.
I know. He... Yeah.
I've never seen anything like...
That's somebody who's earned the right
to wear basketball mesh shorts.
Broken in the middle, you know?
He has earned the right to do that.
Sitting in the middle
of his own documentary
with a whiskey neat,
with his eyes bloodshot
'cause he's shit-faced the entire time.
Six-time champion bitching about
every single person
he's ever played against.
I was like,
"You are the man, motherfucker. Yeah."
I know two things about basketball.
I know Michael Jordan is the GOAT.
And I know theDenver Nuggets
have nothing to do with chicken fingers.
Explain to me how basketball works?
It's like, "Oh my God."
I know it must be confusing for men
because we used to like that.
I know I did.
When you wanted to fuck a guy
and he knew about something
you didn't know about,
you're like, "Yeah."
You know? You'd listen to him
talk about almost anything.
I'd be like, "Yeah,
I wanna know how a sprinkler works."
But then you guys overdid it.
You explained too much,
and now we're pissed.
And my sister, Simone,
sees this little exchange,
and she goes, "Hey, I feel like the kids
are starting to get on your nerves."
I was like, "Do you think so?"
And she said,
"I think Jakey is really stressed out."
I said, "Is he?"
And she goes, "Yeah." I go,
"What is stressing Jakey out?"
And she goes, "The pandemic."
I said, "More so than the rest of us?"
And she goes, "He's a guy."
She goes, "I think
it would do him some good
to have some female interaction."
"Maybe have, like, a COVID-safe date
in the backyard."
"You know, they won't touch.
They'll play cards or something."
"I just think it will...
it will improve his, like, mood."
And I'm looking at my sister
like she's an alien.
I said, "You want him
to have a date come over
so they can play cards in the backyard?"
"And then what?
He's gonna jerk off into my pool? What?"
"What is happening?
What is the run of events?"
I said, "And who's playing cards anymore
anyway? Are we on the set of Cocoon?"
She's like, "It's gonna be
better for his mood."
I'm looking at my sister. I'm like,
"Oh my God. I need a cocktail."
I said, "Sure, Simone.
Let's go out to my friend's house."
We go to my friend's house,
have a couple of cocktails.
We get pretty buzzed.
We come home, and here's my nephew,
propped up on my kitchen stool,
shit-faced.
You know, like young, drunk face.
Red in the face everywhere.
With his head in his hands,
like super dramatically.
You know, like he's got
the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Like he'sDr. Fauci or something.
He's sitting there. I'm looking at him,
like, "Oh my God, are you kidding me?"
I go, "What's the matter, Jakey?
Did you not get any penetration tonight?"
He looks up, and he goes,
"No, I didn't!
And it's really frustrating!"
I couldn't even make eye contact
with my sister.
I've been to therapy. I know
when to remove myself from the situation
because I will strike someone.
So I left, I went upstairs
to my big girl bedroom,
and I lit ajoint and I sat there,
and thought
about what I had just witnessed.
And my sister comes up and she goes,
"Hey, sorry about that."
I go, "Youare sorry."
I said, "You have a 24, a 21,
and an 18-year-old living in my house."
"When is this whole parenting thing
gonna wrap itself the fuck up?"
She goes, "It's my job."
I said, "What?"
She goes, "It's my job to listen to him."
I said, "It's your job
to listen to your 24-year-old son
bitch and moan about how horny he is
in the middle of a global pandemic
where thousands of people
are dying every single day?"
"You know who else is horny?!"
"Know who's been jerking off to
Michael Jordan for fucking eight weeks?"
"And can't do anything about it 'cause
you won't get the fuck out of my house."
So they left.
And then it was go time.
I was like, "Let's get down to business."
I went and got
my own at-home COVID health test,
which meant I could nasally swab
any potential penetrators
that showed up in my backyard.
So they would come over...
I would stagger theircall times
'cause I'm not an idiot.
I'd have someone come at 7:00,
someone come at 8:00, come at 9:00.
I knew they wouldn't all behome runs.
So they'd come over.
I'd give them the nasal swab.
I'd run into my kitchen,
plug it into a cartridge,
and it took about, like, 30 minutes
to run the diagnostics.
And within that 30 minutes,
I could go back outside
and interview them from six feet away.
And if they said anything annoying,
or I saw apinkie ring,
I would say, "You have COVID."
"You have to quarantine
for two weeks now."
The first guy that came over to my house
wasn't really my type.
He was pretty muscular. Too muscular.
He looked like he just came from the gym.
Tattoos everywhere.
Also not my thing,
but we're in a pandemic.
I'm not gonna be judgy, you know?
I was desperate.
I interviewed him. I was like, "Okay."
I could visualize him being inside of me.
I go inside. I look at his COVID test.
It's negative.
I come backout.
I go, "Just one more question."
I was slightly paranoid. We all
were slightly paranoid at this point.
This is when I was still
Windex-ing my to-go food.
And I said, "Just one more question."
"Morally, what do you think's appropriate
during this time?"
He said, "Well, I wear a mask
all the time."
I go, "Great. That's all I care about."
He said, "But I don't think they work."
I said, "What? What? What did you say?"
He goes, "What?"
I go, "What are you, a doctor?"
"No." "Are you a scientist?"
"No." "Are you a male nurse?"
"No." "Then who gives a shit what you
think about masks working or not?"
"Who gives a shit
about your stupid opinion?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Now you have COVID.
Get the fuck out of my house!"
"Get out! Go home.
I want you to think about what you did."
"I was just about to fuck you."
Second guy comes over to my house
an hour later.
Within 30 seconds, he's in my backyard
and mentions that he hurt his ball...
at the gym that morning.
I will never understand whystraight guys
think it's appropriate
to mention your balls ever.
Never mind on a first encounter
with a potential suitor.
I want everystraight man
sitting here tonight
to think about a time where you were
on a first date with a woman
and you heard the term "labia."
It's never happened. Never, ever happened.
In the history of the world,
no straight woman...
Maybe lesbians.
No straight woman
has ever been like,
"Oh, I'm pretty banged up down there."
"It was Flag Day. You know how that goes."
Never!
No woman's like, "Oh, I caught my labia
on the Peloton this morning."
Unbelievable.
Just so you guys all know, that happens
to us every time we ride a Peloton.
So man up, you pussies.
I was like, "What's going on?
Look how cute I am. Look at me."
My God, this is the best I've ever looked.
My boobies are real.My ass is juicy.
I was ready to spread my love around town.
And men were making it impossible.
I was like,
"I'm gonna have to go to Canada."
Canadian men can be slightly boring,
but at least they're appropriate,
you know?
No Canadian is getting into a fight
at a CVS
about wearing a mask
in the middle of a plague.
No Canadian manbrings up his ball
within the first 30 seconds
of an interaction.
And I love toski. That's my passion.
So I love Canada for that reason.
And during COVID,
I realized I don't have regular hobbies.
Other people were getting excited
to go for long walks
or do puzzles.
Or do crafts.
I was like, "Oh my God."
I have three interests.
I like to smoke pot, I like to read books,
and I like to fucking ski.
Those are my passions.
I don't have other interests.
I don't know how to dance or sing.
Although, when I was a child,
I had a lot of misplaced confidence.
And I believed I could dance,
and I could sing,
and that the world would be a better place
once I started doing that.
And the first opportunity I got,
I was 12 years old, in middle school,
and they had cheerleading auditions,
and I was like, "This is it."
This is my moment where I'm gonna
get the respect I believed I deserved.
I went into those cheerleading auditions.
They had a routine
that everybody needed to learn.
I was like, "Fuck that noise.
I got my own shit going on."
Exactly.
I walkedout of school that day
with my head held high.
For the first time in my elementary
or middle school career,
I was like, "I got this."
And I came in early the next day,
and I went right up to the whiteboard
where they listed everyone's names
who had made the cheerleading team,
and as I was approaching the whiteboard,
the school nurse intercepted me.
And she said, "Sweetie,
we all saw
your cheerleading audition yesterday,
and I need you
to come to the nurse's office with me
so we can test you for scoliosis."
And I'm sitting in her office,
and I'm like,
"So am I on the squad?"
She goes, "No, honey.
You're not on any squad."
And she said, "When you get home today,
we also need you to get from your parents
your proof of vaccination for polio."
"Something's up with your back."
I went home that day. I was flabbergasted.
I couldn't believe what had happened.
I stormed home. I walked home...
I was in a rage.
I opened the front door and smashed it,
walked into my mother's kitchen,
where she was making macaroni and cheese
'cause she thought
that was a healthy fucking snack.
And I said, "Hey! I auditioned
for the cheerleading team yesterday,
and, today, the school nurse
tested me for scoliosis."
"Do you know anything about that?"
And she turned around and she said,
"We told you never to dance."
But I wasn't anidiot.
I knew that those two diagnoses,
polio, scoliosis,
I was like,
"That's gonna come in handy later."
"I'll put that in myback pocket."
And it wasn't long.
I had a German test a few weeks later,
and I woke up...
You know when you woke up in middle school
remembering you hadn't studied
for something
you were supposed to study for?
I shot out of bed. I'm like, "Oh fuck,
I didn't study for my German test."
And I didn't care about learning German,
'cause I'm a Jew.
It's too soon.
But I heard my mother's footsteps
coming down the hallway.
And I just sat in my bed,
shot my legs out.
- And she opened the door.
- I'm like...
I said, "Ma, I don't know what happened."
"I don't know
if this is the polio acting up or what."
"But I woke up like this."
My mom would give me such aside eye.
'Cause I was a liar growing up.
I lied about everything.
And my parents knew I was a liar.
And my mom looked at me. She goes,
"Oh really? Now you have polio?"
I go, "I don't know
what else this could be."
I said, "They only goout like that.
They won't bend at the knee."
"What..."
She goes, "If you think you have polio,
we have to go to the emergency room."
"You can't just sit at home all day
watching your soap operas."
I was like, "Let's go."
And then she didn't know what to do.
She was flummoxed.
She goes, "Well..."
She hands me a pair
of my stonewashed jeans on the floor.
She throws them at me, "If we're going
to the ER, put those jeans on."
I was like, "Okay."
I was 12. I knew how to scissor.
I was like...
Shimmied one leg down,
and then I switched 'em.
All the time, making eye contact with her,
like that fucked-up doll Chucky.
I was like, "Yeah, bitch."
Then I shimmied 'em up my waist,
and I hopped up. I go, "Let's go."
And we get to the hospital,
and I'm in this hospital gown,
lying on a gurney,
and the doctor comes in with this needle
that's, like, four inches long,
and starts pricking me from my ankle
all the way up to my thigh.
He's like, "Can you feel this?"
I was like... "No."
"I told you. I can't feel anything."
The whole time, I'm like, "Shit. I wish
I had known this is the test for polio."
"I would have picked
a more believable disease."
"Like chlamydia or something."
And at the end of the exam,
he closes the curtain
to talk to my mother privately,
and he says,
"Your daughter doesn't have polio,
and she doesn't have scoliosis."
"But she does need
a psychiatric evaluation."
I'm like, "That sounds like
another day off from school."
So that's why skiing
is so important to me,
because it took me so long
to get good at it
'cause I'm physically uncoordinated.
And I take skiing very seriously.
And my spot is Whistler, Canada.
That's where I love to go.
I go with my family
every year for Christmas.
I go every year for my birthday
to film my topless videos.
But my only dilemma was to bring my dogs
or to leave them here.
Because I didn't know
if I was gonna be able to come back.
The borders were pretty tight.
And I have two dogs
left over from the Gary saga.
And I didn't wanna leave them here
because they already believe
that my housekeeper, Mabelle,
is their birth mother.
And that I'm some slutty au pair.
that comes sauntering through the house
every three to four weeks.
I don't know if Mabelle
is hiding peanut butter in her underwear,
but I believe that she is.
Because I was the one
that went to the rescue.
I know enough to know that you have to be
the one to rescue your dogs
so that they know that you're the mommy.
And I went to a chow rescue
because that's my favorite type of dog.
They look like real, live teddy bears
with their purple tongues
and their tails that go up.
They're aloof. I also respect that.
I went to a chow rescue. I said,
"I'm looking for any sort of chow mix."
"Preferably slightly obese.
What do you have?"
And she said, "We have
a brother and sister combo platter."
I was like, "I like the sound of that."
I'm from a big family.
I love a sibling dynamic.
I was like, "Bring themout."
And I will never forget this image
of seeing the male dog round the corner,
and his ass was so giant
that, even though
he was running towards me,
that was the first feature I saw.
And he had that neck meat that I love.
The neck meat was swaying back and forth.
And then he had underarm meat
that was also swaying back and forth.
I was like, "Oh my God.
This is a dog you could hide jewelry in."
And then the female,
sister version of him,
she was more
of a petite filet femaleversion of him,
came around the corner,
and she was scrappier.
She looked like she had
just gotten off a bus from Guadalajara.
She had alopecia down her back.
Bald. You know, a bald tail.
She had a diamond earring in her ear.
I was like, "Oh my God,
back the fuck up, bitch."
"You're safe now. You're with Mommy."
And then the woman from the rescue said,
"Their names are Bertrand and Bernice."
I almostclimaxed right there on the dirt.
I had to look away from her
so she didn't think I was a predator.
I was like, "Oh my God, that is exactly
what I was gonna name them!"
I scooped them right up.
I'm like, "Come on, guys.
I'm your mother now. Let's go."
I had to take themstraight to the vet,
you know, because they were rescues,
and Bernice's teeth were ahot mess.
She looked like she was from London.
And the vet calls me, and she goes,
"Hi, we're heading into surgery right now,
and I just wanna let you know
that we may have to remove
all of Bernice's teeth."
I was like, "No. Absolutely not.
She's not living that lifestyle anymore."
"She's not moving toBel Air
with no teeth, okay?"
Talk about an underdog.
She needs two teeth at the very least.
So she can chew and defend herself
in case of an emergency.
And then the vet said,
"And Bert needs to lose 17 pounds."
I hung up on that bitch.
I said to my housekeeper, Mabelle,
"Under no circumstances
are we body-shaming this dog."
"If anything, we are expanding his size."
And then I made a crucial mistake.
I went away
too soon after I rescued these dogs.
I didn't know that that was a rule.
I just went away for 48 hours.
And I came back
and saw my housekeeper of 15 years
walking through my kitchen
wearing two ankle weights.
And guess who was behind her,
wearing four?
Bert.
I go, "What are you doing?
What is going on here?"
She goes,
"Momma and Poppa are on a diet."
I said, "Oh really?
You're Momma and he's Poppa?"
"Who the fuck am I in this scenario?"
She goes, "You are Baby Pig."
That's what my housekeeper calls me.
Baby Pig.
Fifteen years together
and she calls me Baby Pig.
And now all of my friends
also call me Baby Pig.
She calls me Baby Pig
'cause she leaves chocolate nut clusters,
Turtles, that's my favorite snack...
She leaves them on my pillow
every single night,
which would be nice if I lived in a hotel.
But then sheups the ante and she removes
the cellophane from the Turtles,
so they arebare-backing my pillow.
And then comes in every morning going,
"Where is the stain, you baby pig?
Where is it?"
She's trying toframe me in my own house.
And she loves
that my dogs prefer her over me.
She can't get enough of it.
When she leaves every day at 4:30,
Bert sits at the window.
He sees her minivan take off,
and he getspissed
and slams his head on the ground,
concusses himself,
and is in a blackout until 8:00 a.m.
when she returns the next morning.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
which is the entire reason
I even have dogs...
All I wanna do is just sleep with them.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
I have to lure them,
like a molester.
I have to get their leashes
inside the house.
I have to put their leashes on
inside the house.
And I have to get a chicken wing
out of the refrigerator,
then I have to put on
one of Mabelle's scarves,
so they smell her scent.
And I have to speak in Spanish
the whole way up to my bedroom,
and say, "Come to Mama, Papa.
Venga, venga. Vamos, vamos."
I've had more one-night stands
that are less demeaning
than my relationship with my dogs.
Then when they get up to my bedroom,
I lure them up the doggy steps.
When they're on the bed, I have to kick
the steps away so that they're trapped.
After two months of this,
I was like, "This is dehumanizing."
I said, "These dogs suck."
And then aWestwood rescue called me,
and they said, "Oh, we have a rescue.
He's a Leonberger."
I was like, "What's that?"
And they sent me a picture.
I was like,
"That's not my type," you know?
He's 110 pounds. A big dog.
Lean, muscular. Not into that.
But again, I was desperate.
I went down there. I saw the dog.
I'm like, "Maybe he and I
can have a connection."
So I grabbed him, and I named himHodor.
Awww!
I took him home with Bert and Bernice.
I put them all in my bedroom.
I closed the door, and I thought,
"They'll figureout
who the alpha male is," you know?
Or the alpha dog is.
Let them sort itout.
I'm not gonna be a helicopter parent.
So I popped anedible,
and I went to sleep.
I like to be asstoned as possible
when I sleep at night.
Just in case anythinggoes down.
Just in case there's a burglary
or an intruder or a rapist.
I wanna sleep through that attack.
I don't wanna wake up in the night
looking for a steak knife
or a panic button and fight off somebody.
I wanna slowlypass away
while that attack is happening.
If Michael Jackson's doctor
were still a doctor,
he would be my doctor.
So I go to sleep.
I drift off into la la land.
I wake up to a sound
I had never heard before.
Like a coyote was in my bedroom.
That's what it sounded like.
And I turn the light on and I look,
and I see one of my dogs
wrapped around the new dog, Hodor,
like a shape-shifter.
At first, I couldn't tell
if it was Bert or Bernice.
And then I realized it was Bernice
'cause she was still in ayellow nglige
I had put her in the night before.
And her eyes were bloodshot andred,
just like Michael Jordan's
in his documentary.
She looked like
she may have put on a little lipstick too.
She was biting Hodor's neck. I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's winning."
I gotout of bed. I grabbed my daughter
and threw her across the room,
into my closet,
and then I shut the closet door.
And then Hodor's coming for us,
and I fought him off,
and then guided himout of my bedroom door
and shut that door.
And then I go back into my bedroom
and just collapse.
And I'm like, "Oh my God,
I'm so high. What was that?"
"Who were those people?"
And then I look down,
and my breast was exposed.
And my nipple was bleeding.
And I checked
to make sure it was still attached.
And I thought,
"I'll deal with this tomorrow."
Then I grabbed the doggy steps
and put them back up against the bed,
and I climbed up them.
And I lay in my bed,
and I texted my assistant, Tanner,
and said, "I'm gonna need to see
the security footage
from my bedroom tonight."
"And if you wouldn't mind
putting it to some Shania Twain...
or some other upbeat music,
I would appreciate that."
"I'd like to watch it
the next time my landscaper and I
do mushrooms together."
And in that footage...
when you watch it in slow motion,
you see me stumble out of bed,
looking likeGary Busey.
Picking up my own daughter
and tossing her across the sky,
while she is twirling in the air
with her belly facing the ceiling.
Then, at some point,
she straightens herself out
like a squirrel
and flips a bitch like a 747 in the sky
to come back and bite me in the tit.
With the two teeth
I campaigned for her to keep.
So, yeah, I took her to Whistler.
I respect the shitout of that dog.
I took them both to Whistler.
"We're gonna be in a winter wonderland."
"I'm gonna imprint
new memories on their brains."
"They're gonna forget aboutMabelle."
I had to quarantine for two weeks.
It just snowed every day.
All I could do was walk the dogs.
I had never even taken them
for a walk before.
The second day, we were walking,
and this Canadian woman
comes around the corner,
and she's got a big parka and Ugg boots.
She sees Bert and Bernice and she goes...
And I go, "What?"
And she goes,
"Why aren't they on leashes?"
I was like, "'Cause they're so lazy.
Like, they can't even walk."
"They're never gonna run.
Like, don't worry about it."
She goes, "It's not for me. Somebody else
could think that they're bears."
I said, "They're both
wearing handkerchiefs."
"Do you know
a lot of bears that get dressed up
before they go out to murder?"
My quarantine ended. I wanted to ski.
All I cared about was skiing.
But I had no one to ski with.
That's not really safe.
So I was like, "Oh God, what do I do?"
So I hired a ski guide.
And he slowly transitioned
into a full-time prostitute.
And then I got a yeast infection.
I was like...
"Are you kidding me?"
I mean, that is the story
of being a woman.
You're so horny, you're so horny,
you find somebody to penetrate you,
and then you have an allergic reaction
to that person.
So I go down to the pharmacy,
and I'm going through the pharmacy aisles,
looking for yeast infection cures,
and I come across Monistat 3,
which means you rub this cream
on your pikachu,
and in three days,
your yeast infection is gone.
Or if you're having a really good time
and you want to extend it by four days,
there's Monistat 7.
I was like, "I'm sorry.
Is there not a ten or 14-day option
if I want to treat this
like a regular spring break
because I love scratching mybeaver
in front of strangers?"
You know who came up
with that medication? A man.
I couldn't believe it.
I'm like, "What is this?"
So I text my doctor in LA.
In America, we get aDiflucan.
That's one large pill. You take it.
48 hours later, yeast infection is gone.
I said, "Can you prescribe me a Diflucan?"
He said, "They don't have that in Canada,
but I will get you something comparable."
I'm like, "Okay."
He calls it into the pharmacy.
I'm pacing up and down the pharmacy.
I'm in my ski outfit. My ski boots,
my helmet. I look like a giant dick.
And then he calls my name.
I go over, and he hands me a pill
that's bigger than Diflucan.
The size of a small missile.
So I pop it in my mouth,
I chug some water,
and I get back out there,
and I go on the chairlift.
And I'm riding up the chairlift
with two complete strangers,
and the pill
is not going down my throat.
I'm like, "This is a really big pill."
"Why won't it go down?"
I'm like...
I'm like, "I've got to dislodge this
before I start skiing. It's dangerous."
"I can't ski
with a pill in my throat like this."
I get to the top.
It's still not down. I'm like...
"I gotta get some more water."
I go into the bar. I get a margarita.
I chug that down.
I'm like...
And the pill
still will not go down my throat.
I'm like, "I'm in a realpickle here."
I'm like, "What is going on?"
And then I take the wrapper
that it came in out of my ski pants,
and in big, bold,black lettering,
it says, "For vaginal use only."
I was like, "Oh,whoopsie-doodle."
So I text my doctor.
And I'm like, "Hey."
I said... "Hey, you."
I said, "That pill
that you prescribed me, does that work
whichever hole you put it in?"
And he wrote back,
"Which hole did you put it in?"
I'm like, "What?"
Counting my holes. I'm like, "What?"
I wrote back, "Not my butt."
And he wrote back, "Oh dear."
The next 48 hours were excruciating
while I waited for a sourdough starter kit
to pop out of my mouth.
I was like, "Oh great.
Now I'm a baker. A Canadian baker."
After that fiasco,
I finally was able to meet a friend.
Her name was Kelly.
We skied together for a couple of days.
I said, "Hey,
you're really cool and everything,
but what I'm really looking for is a man."
"Okay? I'm here for,
I don't know, three months, six months."
"Who knows how long
this is gonna go on for?"
"But I would like somebody I can ski with
and then have sex with, in that order,
and you'renot gonna cut it."
I said, "I will never, ever contact
this person once I leave Whistler."
"This is a huge opportunity for somebody."
She goes, "I can help you."
I go, "Great. That's perfect."
She said, "Come to a party
with me on Saturday."
So I go with her to a party in Whistler.
I'm sitting on a sofa.
A man walks into the party, and she goes,
"That's the guy I wanna set you up with."
I look over,
and here's a guy wearing a captain's hat.
Yeah!
No. Not "yes."
I don't know what happens to men
when they put on captain's hats.
But it's embarrassing to watch.
Do you know how much
micro dick energy it takes
to put on a captain's hat and then act
like you have a fleet of ships
or a fleet of fucking planes?
You know how embarrassing it is
to be like, "Waaah, I'm a captain now"?
No, you're not. You're not a captain.
I've studied this for a long time
'cause my father used to wear
a captain's hat.
And we would take the ferry over
to Martha's Vineyard
every summer from Boston,
and he would wear a captain's hat
on the ferry.
And the entire ferry ride,
I would be so paranoid
that the real captain
would come down and see
that my father was in a Halloween costume.
And it's only white guys
that pull this kind of shit.
Black guys don't fucking put on
captain's hats and act like assholes.
Asian guys are definitely
not pulling that shit,
and Latino guys aren't doing it either.
Well, Pitbull is,
but he's a special situation.
Because anyone in our society
who's, like, a real captain,
you know, heroes,
they would never put on a captain's hat
in the first place.
Nobody would deem themselves a captain.
The real heroes of our society,
who are nurses and teachers
and flight attendants...
Yeah. Those are the heroes now.
Flight attendants.
Can you believe
the shit that they've had to put up with
the last three years?
Innocent women
and gay men...
who just wanted to spend a few extra
weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta
now have to spend their shifts duct-taping
fat Republicans to their airplane seats.
Unbelievable.
Talk about a societal breakdown.
They're not equipped
to be fighting crime in the sky.
So I see this guy right away,
and I'm like, "Boner killer."
I'm like, "There's no way."
He sees me andmakes a beeline,
comes straight over to me.
And he goes, "Are you Chelsea Handler?"
I go, "No."
And I look down,
and he's wearing flip-flops.
I'm like, "This is a double assault."
In the middle
of a winter storm in February,
this guy's wearing flip-flops.
I am so done with men
extending their visa for flip-flops.
You are allowed to wear them
in one season. It's called summer.
Okay? Don't extend boundaries.
Those are our shoes.
They're for us
and for gay men who get fucking pedicures.
Don't flaunt your feet in our faces.
We're sick of it.
He goes, "You have a problem
with flip-flops?" I go, "I do."
I said, "And just so you know,
there's a whole other group of men
that love to wear flip-flops
in the wintertime
and also argue with women."
"They're called the Taliban."
"Think about that the next time you wanna
slap those puppies on your feet, okay?"
He goes, "Let me cut the tension."
"My name is Gregg."
I said, "Let me guess.Two Gs?"
He goes, "How did you know?"
I go, "Because of your outfit."
And then he tried again. He goes, "Quick.
Top ten favorite bands. Name 'em."
I was like, "Nickelback."
And then, as alast-ditch effort,
he goes, "I have drugs."
I said, "You'd better."
And he takesout this plastic bag
filled with all these capsules.
"What is that?" He said, "It's Molly."
And he goes to hand me one capsule.
I said, "Please give me the whole bag."
I said, "Listen to me,
Grejjjj."
"You might be wearing the captain's hat,
but I'm the captain now."
"And you don't deserve your drugs."
"These drugs are now
for every woman at this party
who had to see that outfit
walk in the door."
He goes, "You seem angry."
I said, "Oh, I am."
"I'm angry on behalf of all women."
"That a man like you
thinks he can wear an outfit like that
and come to a party and fuck
a girl like me. Not gonna happen."
I'm angry that, after everything
we've learned as a society,
all together, men and women alike,
and everything in between,
all together, everything we've learned
about the imbalance of power
and what abuse
women have been subjected to,
that men aren't just walking up
and the first sentenceout of their mouth
is "I'm sorry."
After everything we've gleaned
about the imbalance of power
and the abuse that women have been
subjected to at the hands of men...
It doesn't mean you're guilty
or you're guilty.
It doesn't mean anything like that.
As a society,
you all owe us a fucking apology.
Honestly.
You're arguing with us aboutflip-flops
and a captain's... I mean, honestly!
And I know...
If you're a straight, white man
sitting here tonight,
I know somebody made you come.
I know if you're not a girl orgay
or transitioning or non-binary,
somebody dragged your ass here tonight.
And I know whenstraight, white men
hear the sound of my voice
or the name Chelsea Handler,
they're like, "Get the fuck away from me!"
I know that.
But I don't need you to like me in order
for me to try to fucking help you, okay?
It's not easy for me either.
I have to wake up two hours earlier
than everyone just to de-cuntify myself.
I have to sit on the edge of my bed
like a baby
and do a mantra that says,
"Do not be a cunt today. You are one."
But after all this time, when you guys
ask us stupid fucking questions,
like, "We don't know what to do anymore.
Can we still open the door for you?"
It's like, "Yeah."
"You've been raping us
since the beginning of time."
"The least you could do
is open the door for us."
"Open it, close it,
and then open it again, you moron!"
"Are you missing the entire conversation?"
I mean, it's unbelievable.
My brother's like, "Chelsea,
not all white guys are bad guys."
I go, "Nobody said that.
Nobody ever said that."
"But now you sound suspicious."
And if you're not the asshole...
I'm assuming if you're sitting
in this audience tonight,
you're with a woman or a man
who's already explained this shit to you.
If you're not the asshole,
you know an asshole,
and you need to spread this messaging.
No more complaining. No more complaining
about how hard it is to be a white guy.
Do you understand how insulting that is?
"It's so hard to be a white guy now."
We just won the right to do what we want
with our bodies 50 years ago,
and it's being taken away from us today.
So don't call us hysterical.
We're not hysterical.
Okay? We're not hysterical.
Your opinions on racism and sexism
are irrelevant.
You're not the victims of that.
You're the perpetrators.
I was in Whistler
three and a half, four months maybe.
I came home
and nine...
nine of my girlfriends
who were in heterosexual relationships
had transitioned
into full-timepussy pounders.
Nine of my girlfriends.
There is a mass exodus
of adult onset lesbianism happening
as a direct result of men's behavior.
People who are not naturallygay
are contemplating becoming gay.
You are turning us against you
and towards beaver.
I called my sisterfrom the moon,
and I said,
"Hey, you and I
might need to become a couple."
She said, "I don't want that."
I said, "Nor do I. Okay?"
"But pickings are getting pretty slim."
"So get yourself a pair ofBirkenstocks
'cause we might be heading to Maine."
That's how serious
the situation has gotten.
You are forcing me to contemplate
going down on my own sister.
And that's why I'm dating a Filipino man.
Because no man has ever spoken to me
or treated me
the way thatJo Koy speaks to me
and treats me.
I mean...
Some of the things he says to me,
I can't even believe he's for real.
I'm like, "What?"
We were on one of our first dates,
we were at a restaurant,
and the owner of the restaurant,
some big, fat idiot, comes to our table
and he goes, "Hey, I saw your name
on the reservation list, Chelsea."
"Not a big fan, but my wife is.
But she's my third wife."
I said, "Well, good luck
with your fourth wife, sir."
He walked away from the table
and Jo Koy goes,
"That just made my dick hard."
My confidence and my inability
to take shit from anybody turns him on.
Instead of me
having to shrink my personality
to avoid emasculating a man,
he's fucking turned on by who I am.
You know how sexy that is? Uh!
We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving,
and I put on a bikini,
and I said, "Honey, can you check out
my cellulite on the back of my ass?"
"Is it too bad?" He goes, "What?"
"Cellulite is what makes a woman a woman.
That's fucking hot."
I was like, "That just made my dick hard."
I didn't even know that was a sentence.
I was like, "I have to write this down
so every woman can hear that sentence."
Yes!
I'm a Jewish girl from New Jersey
who has never, ever liked giving blow jobs
because one guy from high school
ruined it for the rest of the guys
I was ever gonna have sex with.
His name is Daniel Lombardo.
L-O-M-B-A-R-D-O.
I tried to give him
my very first blow job.
You know how intimidating that is
for a 16-year-old girl, to go down on...
You don't even know what you're gonna do
when you get down there.
Like, "I guess I'll just whistle."
I tried to give
my very first blow job to Daniel,
and I put my head down there,
and then Daniel put his hand
on the back of my head.
And I got up and kicked him in thenuts.
Now that I'm being seen and respected,
I take Jo Koy's hand
and put it on the back of my head
'cause I love blow jobs now.
I can't get enough of them.
Sometimes, I even put myInvisalign in.
The other night,
we were both performing in Missouri.
I was in Kansas City,
and he was in Springfield.
And we were two and a half hours away,
but we both had two nights of a show.
One night and then the next night.
That's what two nights means.
And he texted me after the first show.
"I'm coming to kiss you good night."
"I can't be this close to you
and not kiss you good night."
Awww!
He drove two and a half hours there
and two and a half hours back.
Awww!
I would never do that for anyone.
We were in New York City the other night.
We got home,
and I was like,
"Oh shit, I forgot to get tampons."
He goes, "Honey, sit down.
I'll get your tampons for you."
I go, "Absolutely not.
It's 2:30 in the morning."
"It's New York City.
It's not safe. I'll go with you."
And he looked at me, sat me down.
He goes, "You've been buying tampons
your entire life."
"I'm gonna buy your tampons from now on."
That made me wanna doanal.
Okay? So just start
sprinkling that bullshit around, guys.
I'm gonna write a handbook for men
called The Filipino In Me.
Just start saying that shit to us.
You don't have to believe it.
Just start saying it
and you'll start believing it.
But more important,
we'll start hearing it.
We need to hear that stuff.
We need to hear that cellulite is sexy.
And if you're sitting in this audience
and you haven't found your person yet,
please do not ever lower your standards
or panic because you think
you're getting too old.
Your person is coming,
and they're not wearingflip-flops
and a captain's hat.
I said to him...
I go, "I love you to the moon and back."
He said, "Honey, you don't even know
where the fucking moon is."
Thank you, Nashville! Thank you so much!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thanks, guys!
Thank you!
Hello. Hi.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Nashville!
This was fucking awesome.