Chelsea Handler: The Feeling (2025) Movie Script

1
Please welcome
Chelsea Handler.
Oh my God!
Oh, hello, New Jersey.
Welcome!
I'm just trying to identify
my homosexual guests in the crowd tonight.
I don't...
Hello, hello.
The men? Okay, yeah.
You're straight, sir.
I can tell by your outfit.
But you are gay.
Thank you and welcome.
Thank you for being here.
Where are the other homosexuals?
Have you already been segregated? What--
Okay, thank you, thank you. I have so...
I have my entire career to thank
to homosexual men and women.
Thank you.
And I also wanna shout out
homosexual men specifically
for all of the contributions
that you guys have made to society
that go unnoticed and underappreciated.
Do you guys remember
when monkeypox came on the scene?
No, you fucking don't. You know why?
Because every gay man went
and got vaccinated inside of 30 days
so that the rest of us straight people
never had to deal with monkeypox.
That's what they did for our communities.
I was excited
when monkeypox came on the scene.
I was excited about a new pandemic.
New parameters, new rules.
I remember the CDC was...
was on TV one morning,
saying the two ways
to avoid contracting monkeypox
were to by A, avoid anal penetration.
As if it just sneaks up on you
at the bank.
"Oh, whoopsie! Oh-hoo-hoo!"
Or B, avoid sharing a towel.
First of all, if you're doing anal,
you're sharing a fucking towel, assholes.
But we didn't have to deal with that.
I didn't have to deal
with finding out about monkeypox
because of what gay men did
for this country.
They are patriots, and I am so appre...
That's... They got rid
of monkeypox so quickly
that I realized I was missing out...
...on anal penetration.
I was like, "If these guys are so excited
to get back to something, I wanna try it."
And guess what? Anal penetration
isn't just for homosexual men anymore.
It's trending,
and you might wanna give it a whirl.
It can be a big pill to swallow
in the beginning, but you never know.
And my hope here tonight is for couples
who have been together for a long time...
Have you guys ever done anal?
Okay.
So my hope here for tonight
is for newer couples, older couples,
to go home, look at each other, and think,
"Let's try anal
and think of Chelsea Handler."
I want that to happen.
For people who are first-timers
and you're not with someone,
but you're also looking
to get anally penetrated tonight,
I want you to have a strategy, okay?
You have to pick a medium-to-small male.
Can't do that with 50 Cent.
Mm-mm.
Jo Koy maybe, but not 50 Cent.
The other upside
to anal penetration...
...is that there is a 90% chance
you will not get pregnant,
and I love those odds.
I have a friend who's always like,
"Chelsea, you're not gonna have a baby?"
"You're gonna die alone."
I hope so.
What, you think I wanna drag a bunch
of innocent children down with me?
My baby's on my deathbed
being like, "Mommy, don't go!"
As soon as I get diagnosed
with any mild disease,
I'm gonna have my favorite drug dealer
put me down in the back of a barn
like a fuckin' horse, okay?
I'm not trying to stick around any longer.
People think I hate children.
I don't hate children. I don't.
If you want one, go get one, you know?
Good luck with that.
I don't care. I just don't want them
so close by me, you know, all the time.
The real reason I don't want children
is not because I hate them.
It's just because I found the whole thesis
of childhood so insulting. Like...
I was so annoyed when I was born.
I remember being born.
I remember being in that hospital room,
shooting out of my mother's Pikachu.
And I remember
these bright lights everywhere
and then someone smacking me on the ass,
and just thinking,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
And then I came home to my "family,"
and there were already, like,
five other kids there.
And I remember looking at my parents like,
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"
"Do I have a dowry?"
"Like, how the fuck am I going
to upwardly mobilize out of this shit?"
I had a problem right away, you know.
I grew up watching The Brady Bunch,
like I'm sure many of you, right?
With the six kids
and the mother and the father
and then the housekeeper, Alice.
I was like, "Where the fuck is our Alice?"
I couldn't stand my family.
I couldn't stand my father.
He was an asshole.
I knew that right away.
And I was like... I was in this baby body,
but I felt like a woman, you know?
I felt womanly.
Like I wanted to start a business.
Catering or something, you know?
And my dad and I would just go at it
from a very early age.
So we're not on the same page at all.
And then,
when I was around seven years old,
he's like, "We have to take her
to Disney World or something,
so that she can see
how other children behave, you know."
"Something's missing.
Something's wrong with her."
And so my parents decided
to take us all to Disney World
when I was seven years old,
which meant we were gonna take...
My dad was a used car dealer,
so that meant we were gonna drive
from New Jersey to Florida
in my dad's blue and white molester van.
With no motel or hotel reservations.
My dad didn't ever think about
anything like that.
He would just pull over at whatever
Econo Lodge or Amber alert hotel he found.
And we'd pull into, like,
a Holiday Inn Express,
and it would say in big neon lettering,
"No vacancies."
And my dad would pop out
of the car enthusiastic.
Then I would pop out of the car after him,
like, "Hey, Stevie Wonder."
"Did you see the fuckin' sign?"
"You dumbass."
I couldn't believe
the incompetence of my parents.
Then we got to Disney World.
That's a farce too.
Just a bunch of grown men
dressed like mice.
Are you kidding me?
Even at seven, I was looking for a bar.
The most intriguing thing
I saw at Disney World
was there was
this other seven-year-old boy.
Girls and boys age at different paces,
so he may as well have been
two months old.
And he was face down on the cement
at Disney World,
and he was kicking and screaming,
and he was throwing a tantrum.
And I remember the feeling I had.
I remember looking at him,
and I was envious.
I was like, "Oh."
"Are we allowed to do that? Like..."
"That's how I feel," you know.
And I came home from that trip
after I saw that kid throw a tantrum.
I was like, "Hmm,
I'm more interested in that."
And then I went
to kindergarten or first grade,
whatever you're in when you're seven.
And then there was this boy, Aaron.
He was on the playground.
I came back from that trip and saw him
in the corner of the playground.
And he was, like, sitting
in the corner of the playground going,
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."
And Mrs. Keenan, our teacher,
was standing across from him
and very sweet about it.
Like, she was very understanding.
And I walked over. I was like,
"What is going on over here, Mrs. Keenan?"
You know? "Why is Aaron
allowed to speak like that?"
And she said,
"Oh, Aaron has Tourette's syndrome."
And I was like,
"I would also like to get that."
And you have to understand,
my dad was so against me.
He made me read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy
when I was fucking seven,
'cause he thought
that would keep me out of trouble.
That woman kills herself
by jumping in front of a train
because she doesn't have a boyfriend,
you know?
He made me read Moby-Dick,
which is 1,300 pages,
when I was seven years old,
and I had to give a book report.
I would go in to school, and they would be
like, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall."
And I'd be like,
"Which one, China or Berlin?" Like...
I'd come home to my father.
I'm like, "You have to dumb it down.
I can't relate to my fucking colleagues."
I went to the library,
got a book about Tourette's.
I read that in fucking 30 seconds.
I was like, "I like all of these points."
I came home that day.
I was like, "I have Tourette Syndrome."
And I waited. I waited.
I sat at the dinner table.
My mom and my dad would come home
from his non-"job" of selling used cars
that were all in our fuckin' driveway.
And my dad came home,
and I could not wait.
I was sitting on the edge of my seat.
I sat at the dinner table waiting
for, like, 40 minutes.
I was like...
Practicing all my new words.
And then my dad sat down across from me.
I'm like, "Fuck you, pussy motherfucker,
ass, cock. You suck! You suck cock!"
And then I threw in a hard double squint.
I went...
Like, "I picked up a tic, too,
so back the fuck up, asshole."
I slept like a baby that night.
Then, when I was eight years old,
I broke my arm.
This was a pivotal moment in my life.
We had a summer house
on Martha's Vineyard.
I know that makes us sound wealthy.
We weren't.
I don't know how my dad got that house.
I'm sure he stole it from somebody.
But I broke my arm, and I was outside.
I tripped over our dog,
whose name was Muttley.
And when I broke my arm,
I saw my bone coming out of my...
My elbow bone was outside of my arm.
And my brother Glen came
and scooped me up.
He's like, "Oh my God, are you okay?"
And I'm like, "I don't think so."
"You know, like, this is...
I'm, like... I don't even know."
"Do they have insurance?
Like, what do we do next?"
And he picked me up
and brought me up to my parents.
My father looked at the bone coming out
of my arm and said, "We should ice it."
And I remember just...
I had had it, you know? I had had it.
I was eight. I was like, "Are you..."
"I don't have time
for these kinds of shenanigans, okay?"
I looked at my mother,
and I looked at my father, and I said,
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"
"The two of you are like an ashtray
on a motorcycle."
"I have to go to a hospital now."
And I went to the hospital
with my brother Glen,
and I got a cast, and this was exciting.
'Cause then I had something physical
to threaten people with.
The cast started from here
and went to here.
I'd never felt more powerful in my life.
Like a gladiator, you know?
I came home and started to threaten
my brothers and sisters,
who are much older.
But they were humoring me,
but it didn't matter.
I felt dominion. I was like, "Yes."
And I remember organizing our dinner table
on Martha's Vineyard one summer night.
And I was telling my brother,
"You sit there, and you sit there."
And then I told my father,
"You sit facing the wall."
"And think about what you've done,"
you know.
And then I sat down,
and I slammed my cast down,
and it hit the top of my Pikachu.
And I was like, "Ow," you know?
And then it slid down, like,
two more centimeters,
and I was like, "Brrrrrr."
"What is that zone?"
And I went up that night and found out
exactly what that zone was.
And I came home for the fall. We would
spend the summers on the Vineyard.
I came home to New Jersey that fall.
Now I was like... I was eight years old,
I was about to turn nine,
and my best friend, Jodi Repati, said,
"We're having a back-to-school sleepover
at my house on Friday night at 7:30."
She goes, "Everyone's gonna come over,
and we're all gonna get the feeling."
I didn't know what the feeling was,
but I was like, "I'll fucking find out."
"I'm not gonna run with the wrong crew.
I know how to fucking be cool."
I walk in,
and there are nine eight-year-old girls
face down in their sleeping bags,
just going like this...
I was like, "Let's fucking go!"
I couldn't get enough of myself.
I showed up at that sleepover at 7:30,
and I didn't get up from that position
until 7:30 a.m.,
when Jodi's mom
tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"Honey, we're gonna need you to leave."
I left that sleepover,
I had rug burns on my forehead.
I was so thirsty and dehydrated
from sweating so much into my pajamas.
I was like,
"Does anyone have a Capri-Sun, please?"
And when you're that young,
you're eight or nine years old,
you're masturbating, you're not really--
You don't even know what you're doing
is masturbating.
You're just like, "This feels amazing.
Like, why didn't anyone tell me about it?"
You're not making direct contact
with your Pikachu, you know?
Like, you want a thicker material.
Like, the thicker, the better.
You want some traction.
You want, like, a corduroy
or a thick denim.
Or what's underneath a boat.
A rudder. You want a rudder.
You want, like, a wall.
You see a corner, and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking get you."
And when no one says anything to you,
like, "Hey, stop jerking off,
you fucking pig,"
you don't think that anyone even knows
what you're doing.
So I just did it all the time.
I'd come home from school.
I had a banana-seat bicycle.
Now we know what those were for.
I had a banana-seat bicycle.
I'd go on little... little "errands"
with my fake family that I created,
that I would go and drop off
at lacrosse and volleyball.
I had two fake "children,"
Lucas and Siddiqua.
Two different dads, obviously.
I would take my banana-seat bicycle,
I would hit a pothole,
and just fuckin' ride it
for, like, 30 minutes.
My neighbor called my mom,
"Your daughter's been in our pothole
in front of our living room window
for 45 minutes."
When I got home that night, my mom's like,
"Where have you been?" "Traffic."
I'd go into school,
I'd go into math class,
and they had those desks
with the apertures,
the openings on the desk,
and I'd have a Trapper Keeper in the desk
and a ruler in the Trapper Keeper.
And I would take the ruler,
and I could always do one spin.
I'd call it "a spin."
I'm like, "Do I have time for a spin?"
And I would...
I would take the ruler,
and I'd be like, "Brrrrr. You know?
I could do one round and remain alert,
you know? Like...
I wouldn't start sweating.
I'd be like, "Yeah." Like...
So I'd always do one.
I would be like...
And then I'd put the ruler away.
And masturbating as a young person
is just like masturbating as an adult.
You do one round, you climax,
and you're like, "Ugh, you're disgusting.
Get away from me."
"Don't fucking touch me again."
And then 30 minutes later,
you're like, "One more time!"
So I would do it,
I would think I'd be done,
but I couldn't resist myself.
I couldn't get enough.
So I would take the ruler back out,
and then completely lose my shit,
you know, during the class.
By the end of class,
our math teacher would be like,
"Seven times seven."
I'd be like, "Forty-nine!"
So this was a humiliating time in my life
that I didn't even know
what was happening.
And then we had Thanksgiving dinner
with my family,
which means my six brothers and sisters,
myself included,
my mother and my father
and my grandparents.
If you're the youngest of six children,
you understand
that nobody really respects you, you know?
They didn't respect my opinion
on international or global politics
or anything that was going on
in the world.
And Thanksgiving is typically
pretty fucking boring.
So I grabbed a ladle from the kitchen.
And I thought, "I hope
I don't have to use this," you know?
"I hope that you don't reduce me
to using a ladle
to masturbate at Thanksgiving."
"I hope that you respect
my conversation enough
that I don't have to jerk off, okay,
during a fucking holiday
we know nothing about."
So I go,
and I sit down at the dinner table,
and I tuck the ladle underneath my thigh.
And I do one little spin, and I'm like,
"Okay, you know, remain alert."
"No one knows what's up."
And I don't know what happened after that.
I don't know if I blacked out, or...
...I lost the plot,
but all I remember waking up to
is hearing my mother's voice.
And my mother was very sweet and European
and very much the opposite of what I am.
And she said, "Chelsea."
"Chelsea."
"We need you to open your eyes."
And in that moment, I'm like, "Oh my God."
"It's over, it's over, it's over."
And I kick the ladle
to the bottom of the floor, you know.
I was like, "Get away from me,
you fucking rapist."
And I open my eyes,
and I see my whole family,
and their heads are bowed,
and, like, they're all looking down
in, you know, shame.
And my grandfather
is rubbing my father's back, like,
"So sorry about
your little whore daughter."
And I look at my mom, said, "Sweetie,
that's something that you wanna do
in the privacy of your own room."
And I'm like, "Bwuhhh!"
"Stop talking!"
And my brother Roy stood up and goes,
"She does it all the time!"
The most humiliating day of my life.
I did not masturbate,
I did not touch my own vagina
from the age of nine to 40.
Nine to 40.
Even with tampons, I had an applicator.
"You stay away from me.
You're fucking trouble."
And then, when I was ten years old,
my mom told us
we were going on an airplane ride
from New Jersey to California
to visit my grandparents.
I grew up watching Love Boat.
I thought, "Love Boat, airplanes."
Everything's so romanticized.
I couldn't wait to be on an airplane.
I had a little Smurfette briefcase.
I had kitten heels on.
And I was flying with my two sisters
to California from New Jersey.
And we board the plane,
and I walked past the first-class section.
And I stop, and I'm like...
"This seems like my group."
My mom's like, "This is not your group.
Go to the back of the..."
"Go to the back of the plane."
Then she slowly explained to me
that we had six children in our family,
and we will never ever
be able to afford to fly first class.
And I was like,
"Speak for yourself, bitch."
I came back from that trip more motivated
than I have ever been in my entire life.
I was like, "Fuck this family."
I'm like, "Obviously,
you guys raised me, you know,
but I have to split ties
with these people."
"If they're okay flying coach,
we're not on the same page."
I was only ten. We were going
to Martha's Vineyard for summer.
I was like,
"What can I do as a working woman?"
"How do I start a business?"
I felt very entrepreneurial,
but I had no real ideas.
So I was like, "Okay, maybe I'll start,
like, a lemonade stand,"
but there's not enough of a profit margin.
So I decided to open up
a hard lemonade stand as a ten-year-old.
I'm like, "I'll serve gin,
whiskey, and tequila."
"I just need someone to open up
the lemonade stand with me."
My sister at the time was
a recovering Mormon, so she was out.
I was like, "Get the fuck away from me.
We're not on the same page either."
And I went around the neighborhood
on Martha's Vineyard,
and I canvassed the neighborhood.
And I'd walk up to every rental house
and be like,
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler.
I'm ten years old."
"I'm opening up a lemonade stand,
and I need a business partner."
"Do you have any other ten-year-olds
that I can play with?"
And then this family said, "Yes, we have
a ten-year-old. His name is Nelson."
They sent Nelson down the stairs,
and I started grooming Nelson right away.
"Nelson, do you know how to make
a fucking whiskey and soda? Let's go."
Nelson and I made $79
on our first day as two ten-year-olds
with a hard lemonade stand.
$79 was a big deal.
It was a big deal.
By the end of that first week,
we made $359
selling hard lemonade to parents
and anyone over ten.
Like, obviously, I had guidelines.
$359 as two ten-year-olds?
I was... I couldn't believe it.
I would count my money.
I would smell it. I was like, "Oh!"
And then I had a cigar box,
and I would tape it shut just so my dad
couldn't steal it from me, you know?
And at the end of the week,
when I made that $359,
I gave Nelson his commission,
which was $3.59.
He was over the moon.
I was like, "Stick with me, Nelson.
I will show you the way."
He's like, "This is more money
than if I lost three teeth in one week."
I realized then, I was too mature
for these other ten-year-olds.
Like, "I have too much womanhood in me.
I have to go out on my own."
And plus, my body was coming in together.
And my boob buds were bursting, you know?
And I knew it was time
to get my body off the streets.
And I was like, "What else can I do?
What else can I do?"
"Oh, I could babysit."
There are no parameters
around babysitting.
Nobody... You can be ten
and babysit for a four-year-old.
Nobody gives a shit.
So I decided to change businesses,
and I called every hotel
in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard,
and I said,
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler."
"I know I was ten a few weeks ago.
I'm fifteen now."
"And I can babysit
for up to three children at one time
for any of your last-minute guests
who need babysitting plans."
"Please send them my way.
I'm very, very experienced."
I spent that summer
babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.
Jeremy.
Jeremy was on the spectrum.
It was before everybody knew
about the spectrum.
I knew something was up with Jeremy,
you know? I connected with him.
His parents wanted nothing to do with him.
I'm like, "I'll deal with Jeremy, okay?
You guys go out."
So I had Jeremy,
and then my business started to catch on,
and then I got three other clients.
I would babysit for these three girls
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
These three sisters. I would babysit
for them from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.
And then I had a reprieve, I had a break,
until I had to deal with Jeremy
every night at six.
And so, during that time off,
as I was getting very involved
in my own business as an 11-year-old,
I was getting very confident.
I was like, "Oh, it's female empowerment."
I started a business.
I'm making money. I need a break.
I'd go into this deli every day
on Main Street in Edgartown,
and I'd get a bagel with butter,
a Twix bar, and a Sprite.
And I would take a bite, a bite,
and a sip.
And it was like a phantasmagoria,
you know, of excellence.
I was like, "This is what...
Fuck the feeling."
"This is what business owners
are doing, you know?"
Taking lunch breaks by themselves
'cause they're so tired.
When I'd go into this delicatessen,
there was this girl
that worked behind the deli,
and her name was Martha McIntosh.
And I want you to picture
Amy Winehouse as an 11-year-old.
She had, like, the big beehive
and the thick, black eyeliner,
and I was attracted to her right away.
I knew that she had seen things
that I also wanted to see.
And I had never met anyone
that was faster than me. I was like, "Oh."
So I'd go in there every day
and make googly eyes at Martha.
And then finally, one day,
she asked me to come back to her house.
"Do you want to come back to my house
after my shift today?"
And I was like, "Definitely."
And I went back
to Martha McIntosh's house,
and we walked by her parents, who were
outside on the porch smoking a joint.
I'm like, "This is exactly
the kind of parenting I was looking for."
And then we went into her room,
and she hands me a Corona.
And she says, "Do you drink?"
I'm like, "Yes."
"I'm 11. Let's go, you know?"
And the next day, I went over there,
and she hands me a cigarette.
A Camel Light cigarette.
She hands me my Corona.
I'm drinking the Corona.
She hands me the Camel Light cigarette.
She goes, "Do you smoke?"
I'm like...
"Martha, ever since the day I was born
into that fucking hospital room,
I have been dying for someone
to offer me a fuckin' cigarette."
"Yes, I smoke. Let's go, okay?"
"What else do you have up your sleeve?"
So I started going to Martha's
every single day
in between my shifts, you know?
I was exhausted
from being a child laborer, and...
I go to Martha's house,
and then on the Friday of the first week,
I'm sitting there. I'm smoking my Camel.
I'm drinking my Corona.
I feel finally alive
for the first time in my life.
I'm like, "Finally, you know?
I have an ally."
And then she said, "Hey, do you wanna go
into my closet and take your pants down?"
And I was like, "Definitely."
Like, "What's next?"
And we go into Martha McIntosh's closet.
I pull my pants down,
and she goes down on me
for, like, 15 minutes.
And I could not believe my good fortune.
I was like, "Oh my God."
I'm sitting there, drinking my Corona,
smoking my cigarette.
I felt like Matthew McConaughey.
I was like,
"All right, all right, all right."
Oh!
I loved Martha. We were so close.
You know? And I went there every day.
She'd go down on me. It was amazing.
I'd come home, and my sister,
the virgin one, would be like,
"Every time you come home
from Martha Mcintosh's house,
you smell like alcohol and cigarettes."
"Who knows what's going on over there?"
I'm like, "Oh, you'll never know
what's going on over there."
And then she told my father.
She's like, "Every time Chelsea comes home
from Martha McIntosh's house,
she smells like alcohol and cigarettes."
And my dad's like,
"Well, she seems a lot happier."
And then it was the end of the summer.
I went to Martha's every day, obviously.
And it was the end of the summer,
and we were in her closet,
and she's going down on me.
And then I'm finishing my drink
and my cigarette,
and she pops her head up
and said,
"Okay, you know, it's your turn."
And I looked around.
I'm like, "Is someone else here?
Who are you talking to?"
"What?"
And I realized what was happening.
The exchange that was happening.
And I had a decision to make that day.
So I put my cigarette out.
I pulled my pants up.
I said, "It was nice to meet you, Martha.
Good luck with everything."
"It's never gonna be my fucking turn."
And that felt cold. It was my first lover,
and I had to leave her like that.
Because she wanted reciprocity, you know?
I remember leaving for that fall,
going back to New Jersey.
I thought about her
as being my first lover.
I was like, "I hope she's okay.
I hope she doesn't kill herself."
And when I came back
the next summer, I was 12,
and I went straight to the delicatessen,
as a responsible ex-lover would,
to check on my first lover
and see if she was okay.
And I saw her across the room
behind the delicatessen...
whatever that is called.
Meat slicer.
And I saw that she had had
braces installed over the winter break.
And I thought, "Somebody got out of there
just in the nick of time."
"No, thank you."
But the relationship
in combination with my business,
I felt, like, womanly, you know?
I was only 13 years old now.
I was 12, and then 13 the next summer.
I could focus. I didn't have a lover,
so I could focus on my business.
I saved over, like, $7,800
by the time I was 13.
And so I came home as a 13-year-old girl,
and my mom announced
that we were flying to California again,
to visit my grandparents this time.
This time, my dad...
my grandfather was sick.
And this time, I was traveling
with my two idiot brothers, Glen and Roy.
And I said, "Mom, don't worry
about my ticket, okay?"
"I'll handle it this time."
I went down the street
to a travel agent that lived on our street
and bought myself
my own first-class ticket.
Ballin'!
And I didn't tell anyone
because I could not fucking wait
to see the looks on my brothers' faces.
It was like Christmas morning for three...
I could not wait to see
the expressions on their faces.
And we boarded the plane,
and I had my seat and found my...
I had a new briefcase this time.
And I had my kitten heels on, you know,
and I popped my little briefcase
in the overhead bin,
found my seat, 2C,
sat down,
looked at my brothers Roy and Glen,
and said, "See you cunts
at the end of the flight."
It was so glorious.
And then, like, an hour into the flight,
my brothers come up from the...
to the first-class cabin.
I don't know how
they got through that curtain.
But I'm sitting there drinking champagne,
you know, celebrating.
And all of a sudden,
I see their two faces,
and they're both
standing there like idiots.
And they go, "You can't do that, Chelsea."
I go, "What? I can't do what?"
"You can't buy a first-class ticket
and not give it to Mom or one of us."
I said, "I'm sorry, how old are you two?"
And my brother Glen said, "I'm 23."
And my brother Roy's like, "I'm 24."
And I'm like, "So, collectively,
you guys are 47 years old,
and I've gotten more pussy
than the two of you put together."
"Get to the back of the fuckin' plane,
and I will see you when we land."
And that's why I don't have a daughter.
So I don't have some horny 11-year-old
that needs to get eaten out
every 15 minutes
and then demands to fly first class.
I don't fuckin' need that shit.
No dog that you rescue is ever
gonna make you go to therapy with them
or call you on your shit.
And if you... If your dogs...
I have a very active drug life.
If...
If I had children
and my children get into my drug drawer,
that's a pretty big deal.
If you have dogs
and they get into your drug drawer,
it's less of a big deal.
They'll survive.
And whatever the worst thing
you could do to a dog related to drugs
is, like, you know what?
"It would've been worse if I never got you
in the first place, so just get over it."
The last time my two dogs were drugged,
Bert and Bernice,
they're no longer with us,
and not because of drugs, but...
They were the last dogs, set of dogs
that I had that were drugged.
And this was at the outset of Covid.
And my sister Simone, she said--
She suggested that we go to Maine
for the summer of Covid.
She said, "Let's go to Maine."
"There's a lot less people there."
"We can rent a big house.
No one will bother us."
"We don't have to subscribe
to six-feet-apart rules,
and it's fuckin' annoying here."
"And we'll just go."
"I'll send you some links to some houses,
and just beware, they're old."
"They look like they were built
at the turn of the century."
And when I clicked on the link,
I was like, "Wh... Which century?" You know?
"These look like plantation homes."
She's like,
"Well, it's a very Republican area."
"It's actually a Republican enclave
in Maine."
And I was like...
..."Let's fuckin' go."
Nothing gets my juices flowing more
than disrupting a Republican enclave.
Nothing.
I was like, "Let's go. I'll have sex with
all my Black friends and Asian friends."
"We'll do anal on the lawn all day long,
saluting your fuckin' flag."
And at the time, I had a huge impetus.
At the time... This was when Andrew Cuomo
was on the scene, okay?
I wanna take you back to the time
where we were getting yelled
and screamed at
every morning on national television
by this angry Italian meatball
submarine sandwich.
Fucking screaming with saliva,
"You wear a mask! You wear a mask!"
I wanted to be his face mask.
I was attracted to him.
I love...
We were so dehydrated for real leadership.
I was like, "I wanna be with him."
"I wanna be the First Lady of New York."
My virgin sister,
the boring one, was like,
"You'll never be
the First Lady of New York."
"You're a liability for any politician."
I was like...
And everyone was getting a crush on him.
Like, all these women were like,
"Cuomo, Cuomo. I love Cuomo."
I was like, "Oh."
I started to feel competitive, you know?
Covid brought out the worst in all of us.
I was like,
"I have to get ahead of these people."
"I'm a celebrity.
I can figure something out."
So I called my publicist,
and I said, "Put me on The View."
Uh...
And... and they said, "Okay."
And so I get on The View,
and I'm on a Zoom, 'cause it's Covid.
And I'm on a Zoom
with Whoopi and Joy Behar,
and they're asking me about my quarantine,
and I'm like, "Buh, buh, booh."
And then, at the very end, I said,
"Ladies, I don't wanna get off this call
before I declare
that I would like to be penetrated
by the governor of New York."
And Joy Behar's like, "Oh, Chelsea."
I was like, "You shut the fuck up, Joy!"
"I don't need any feedback right now."
I knew if I put it out there
into the ether, you know? I knew.
So I got off the Zoom. I was like--
I looked at my dogs.
I said, "Now we wait."
Three days went by.
Three days, and my phone rang,
but it was an unknown number,
so I don't answer that.
The message was incredible.
The message was...
"Hello, Ms. Handler."
"This is Andrew Cuomo."
"C-U-O-M-O."
"I heard from a little birdie in a tree
that someone has a crush on me."
"I would like to pursue this further."
"My number is 917, la-la-la, la-la-la."
And then he goes, "Ciao."
I was holding my vagina.
I was like, "Oh my God. Oh my God."
I didn't even finish
listening to the message
before I was in my car,
driving to my best girlfriend's house.
And she's inside her window,
I'm outside of her house,
because of fucking Covid
and six feet apart.
And I'm playing the message on my phone,
like John Cusack in Say Anything...
I'm like, "I'm gonna fuck the governor!"
"The governor wants to fuck me!"
"I'm gonna be the First Lady of New York!"
Oh, it was amazing.
And then he called me,
and we talked for, like, 45 minutes.
I was like, "Oh my God, this is serious."
You know?
And then I floated the idea. "I might be
coming to Maine for the summer,
so maybe I could swing by
the Albany mansion."
"We can have an outdoor Covid-friendly
dinner date slash anal."
"Whatever you're into."
And he was like,
"I'm very interested in that."
I said, "So how do... What do I do?"
"Do I need to quarantine
before I meet you? Like, what..."
He said, "Quarantine schmorantine."
I was like, "Oh, interesting twist."
And then once it became real, like I knew
I was probably gonna fuck the governor...
Everyone was talking about Nipplegate
at the time.
People were talking about whether or not
he had a nipple piercing,
which, obviously, I knew he didn't.
He's a straight 64-year-old white male.
He doesn't have the guts,
you know, to do that.
But I was curious about his nipples,
and I would zoom in...
...on pictures of him on Instagram.
And... and something curious
was going on with his nipples.
They were headed
in a very southerly direction.
And I had never faced a storm
like that before, you know?
My older sister's like,
"Just take it from behind.
It's safer for everybody."
"There's a pandemic. You don't even
have to look at his nipples."
"You have to do this."
I was getting cold feet.
And she's like,
"Are you a fucking patriot or aren't you?"
I'm like, "I am. I wanna be. I wanna be.
It's just a lot to handle."
So we rent this house in Maine.
We go to Maine. I start texting him.
I'm with my whole family,
a group of friends.
We have this big house on the water
that was built
in I don't know what time period.
And I start texting him. I send him
pictures of me, like, on a paddleboard.
And all of a sudden, he stops responding.
And the first couple days,
I was trying to, you know,
convince myself it wasn't over.
I was like, "Oh, no.
He's a governor. He must be very busy."
And then on the third day,
I came downstairs
and said to my sisters
Shoshanna and Simone,
"Guys, I haven't heard from Andrew Cuomo
since I got to Maine."
And my sister, the virgin one,
was like, "I told you. I told you."
"He can't fuck you, okay?"
"Someone in his office caught wind
of this little liaison or dalliance
and put the kibosh on it."
"He can't be screaming
at the entire country
to stand six feet apart
and then fuck
one of the loudest people in the world."
"He just can't do that."
And my other sister's like,
"Text him one more time."
So the next morning, I'm out.
I'm in a bikini. I'm on a Vespa.
I have a face mask and a helmet on
and sunblock everywhere
just to show him I'm safe, you know?
At the last minute, I pull my top down,
so I'm topless in a bikini,
and my brother Roy is taking the photo.
And my sister Simone
comes out and sees us.
She goes, "Chelsea, what the fuck
are you doing? That is your brother!"
But at this point, I was so desperate.
I knew I had been rejected by him,
but I was so desperate.
And also, the idea of a topless photo
of Chelsea Handler
transmitting through his iPhone,
or Andrew Cuomo's iPad,
onto the big daily
early morning briefing of Covid
on a national level
made me so joyful, you know?
Like, I just wanted to give
the country a present.
And then, when I realized
he wasn't responding, it wasn't happening,
then it sunk in, and I felt dejected.
You know, people who were single
during Covid were scared.
Like, "What if we don't ever
get penetrated again?" You know?
And then I felt terrible
that I hadn't brought my dogs
Bert and Bernice with me to Maine.
And so I was sitting
with my brothers and sisters.
I'm like, "I'm really depressed."
"I've been rejected, you guys,
and I don't even have my dogs."
"I don't even know how to get them
from California. I can't fly them."
"That's egregious.
You know, I'm not gonna do that."
And my brother Roy said,
"What about a choo-choo train?"
And my sister Simone said,
"Never mind that. We will find a way."
And she came downstairs 20 minutes later,
and she said,
"I found a couple that will drive
your dogs from California to Maine,
and they will be here in 48 hours."
I was like,
"Is that even plausible? I mean..."
I didn't know if that could happen,
but when things are going my way
and I get answers I like,
I don't ask a ton of questions.
I'm like, "Okay, great."
It was Monday night at 7:15,
and Wednesday night at 7:30 p.m,
this couple rolls into this house
I'm renting in Maine,
and Bert and Bernice stumble out
of this little hitch behind their van.
And I'm so grateful.
Anyone who is a dog owner here
knows exactly how grateful I was
when I saw them.
I ran into the house we were renting.
My brother is in the kitchen cooking,
and I grabbed two cocktail glasses,
a bottle of Belvedere,
and I start making them
a thank-you cocktail, you know?
And my brother Roy goes, "Who's that for?"
I said, "For the couple
that dropped off Bert and Bernice."
"It's a thank-you cocktail."
He said, "Don't make them
more than one round."
I said, "Why? What's your problem?"
He said, "Look at me, Chelsea."
"Anybody who drove
from California...
...to Maine
in 48 hours
is on crystal meth."
So I bring the drinks out,
and I say, "Thank you so much," you know.
And the guy's like, "Oh, sorry,
we can't have more than one drink."
"We have to be in Florida by midnight."
Whoa.
And for the next two days,
my dogs Bert and Bernice
were walking around
just aimlessly into paddleboards,
hitting their heads.
Just listlessly.
And I was looking at them like,
"Oh my God, what is wrong with my babies?"
My brother Roy is like,
"What's wrong with your babies?"
I'm like, "Look at Bert. He's bumped
into the same tree three times."
He's like, "What's wrong with your dogs?"
"You just sent them
on a high-speed
methamphetamine
car chase across the country
because a governor wouldn't fuck you
during a global pandemic."
"So now they're detoxing
from crystal meth."
"That's what's happening."
He's like, "Thank God
you never had a real baby."
I'm like, "I'm so sick and tired
of being insulted about my parenting."
"You try raising two dogs on one income."
And then I got a text from Barbara Bush.
George W. Bush,
our former president's daughters,
the twins, Jenna and Barbara,
I'm friends with them.
I met them at this event called
the Glamour Women of the Year awards
many years ago in New York City.
And I met them. I was with my two sisters.
They were sisters.
We bonded over being sisters.
I call them "sissy."
It's easier to call all women sissy
so you don't have to remember
anybody's fucking name.
And I get a text from Barbara Bush.
She says, "Sissy, we hear
you're in Biddeford Pool,"
which is the part of Maine I was in,
the Republican enclave.
She said,
"We hear you're in Biddeford Pool."
"We're right around the corner.
We wanna say hi."
I said, "Of course, sissy. Come on over."
And I see Barbara Bush.
She comes down the driveway.
It's this big, steep driveway
of this house we're renting.
I see her come down,
and then I see two Secret Service men
behind her come down.
And then I see the former First Lady,
Laura Bush, come down.
And I'm like, "Ohhh."
You know, too many Republicans.
Luckily, it was Covid. I was like,
"Everyone stand six feet away. Okay."
And we're circling around,
and I bring them out onto the balcony,
and we're looking at the ocean
on the terrace of this house.
And Laura Bush, the former First Lady,
has a dimple, so...
I'm a sucker for dimples.
Like, every time I see one,
I'm like, "They're innocent," you know?
I'd be a terrible juror.
I'd just base all of my opinions
on people's looks and dimples.
And then my brother Roy
walks out on the porch
and sees Laura Bush,
the former First Lady,
and says, "You look familiar."
Then they were leaving, and Barbara Bush,
my friend, was like, "Oh."
I said, "We do Pilates every morning
outside if you wanna come over."
She was newly married at the time.
She said, "Yes, we're gonna come
every morning and do Pilates with you."
So they started coming over every morning.
Everyone was banging on
about pickleball at this point.
I blame Covid for pickleball, right?
We didn't have to hear about
fucking pickleball before Covid.
Pickleball. That is not a subject
that I can take seriously.
When people bang on and on about pickle...
That is not real exercise, okay?
So shut the fuck up about it.
You would burn more calories
shoving an actual pickle up your asshole
on a pickleball court
than playing a game of pickleball.
Pickleball and Burning Man.
I don't wanna hear about that either.
Stop trying to convert me
and bring me there.
Burning Man is a bunch of rich people
trying to share for the very first time.
So everyone's talking about pickleball,
and Barbara Bush is like, "Let's have
a pickleball tournament at Kennebunkport."
"You... The Handlers versus the Bushes."
And I was like,
"Oh no, sissy. That's cute, but no."
"I'm not coming to Kennebunkport."
"I don't wanna be seen
with your father, okay?"
"I can't trust myself
in the company of your father."
"I have outbursts."
"And I'm as surprised as the next person
when they happen, okay?"
"I don't know
when I'm gonna go off on someone,
and when I do,
I'm also scared for that person."
"I certainly don't wanna do that
on someone's property, you know?"
"Be mean to your father
or confront him about who knows what."
And she's like, "Oh, sissy, don't worry.
I'll make sure Daddy's getting a massage."
I was like, "Don't call him Daddy."
"That is not my daddy."
"We're not going." My whole family,
my sister, the virgin one, was like,
"Don't take this opportunity
away from us."
"We wanna go to Kennebunkport, okay?"
"Just 'cause you
and your political bullshit,
you shouldn't take
this opportunity away from us."
"Just take one of your drugs
and subdue your personality."
And my sister's like,
"Take two. She's right. Take two."
And my brother Roy's like,
"She needs four... four edibles
if she's gonna calm down,
and that makes her
just like almost a mute."
So I took four 40 milligrams of THC
to go to Kennebunkport.
- Forty milligrams.
- Yeah!
Yeah, and I'm like...
That doesn't even... I... I...
Listen, I understand that drugs
aren't for everyone. They're for me.
We have a great understanding.
We get along great.
It's almost like, if I am sober,
I have too much of an advantage.
So I took 40 milligrams of THC.
We show up at Kennebunkport.
We're on this pickleball court.
I have a visor on and, like, cargo shorts.
I look like a giant bull dyke.
I'm as high as a kite,
I have big, thick sunglasses on,
and we're on the pickleball court.
I'm not doing anything, 'cause you don't
have to when you play pickleball.
You just stand there.
And we're not on the court
for less than 30 seconds
before I hear the voice
of the former president
of the United States.
And he's like, "Ohhhhh."
"Ho-ho, I hear the funny lady is in town."
And I'm so stoned.
I'm like, "Oh no. No."
"I thought Daddy was getting a massage."
And I look across at the sister,
the one that I trust, you know?
And she's like, "It's him. It's him.
Shut the fuck up. Don't talk."
And I was like, "Brrrrr."
And I look over, and George W. Bush
is coming towards me with his arms open.
He's like, "Come here!"
I'm like, "Back the fuck up!"
I was like, "There's a pandemic
going on right now. You stand back!"
- And he's like, "What?!"
- I'm like, "A pandemic."
"I know you're on your own private Idaho
in this little island you live on,
or whatever the fuck this shit is."
And then my brother Roy
comes off the court,
looks at the former president,
goes, "You really look familiar."
So embarrassing, you know?
And he's like, "I wanna show you
my art collection."
He's like, "I'm a painter.
I've made a lot of paintings," you know.
I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I don't..."
"I don't... I don't want
to come with you, please."
Like, I'm so stoned.
All I want is for this to be over.
And he hooks his arm in my arm.
He's like, "Come on.
What are you scared of?"
And Barbara Bush is like,
"Just go with Daddy, sissy."
"Go with Daddy."
I'm like,
"Stop fucking calling him Daddy!"
And we go into this house,
and it's just him and me.
And I'm like, "What is happening?
Why is this afternoon so long?"
"You know, when..."
"When will this be over?"
And he shows me his first painting.
And I'm not someone
who knows a lot about art.
I'm a philistine, and I don't feel
even compelled to pretend
that I do, you know?
I'm not someone who's like, "I know."
I don't.
To me, art, I'm so glad it's there,
you know?
It's like a duvet cover. "Thank you."
"Thank you for being here.
I don't need a ton of backstory."
"I'm not that interested."
So I'm looking at the first painting,
and I'm just trying to think
of something to say that's like,
you know, about a painting.
I'm like, "Oh."
And he goes, "Take your sunglasses off."
"So you can see the painting."
And reflexively, I'm very honest.
I said, "Mr. President,
I'm as high as a kite right now."
"You need to know that
out of respect for the Office."
And he went...
And I was like, "Yes, I am."
And then we went up.
There were, like, three landings,
three different staircases.
All of his paintings
were on these landings
or on these stairwells.
And when we got to the last painting,
I really thought,
"I have to think of something to say."
And I just was staring at it, and...
and I said, "The paint is so
thick."
And my sister Simone was like,
"Okay! Time to go!"
She was at the bottom of the stairs
'cause she had followed me,
and I was like, "Oh, thank God," you know?
She would never have
left me alone with him.
And I also wanted to get out of there
before I ended up blowing Dick Cheney.
I was like, "What is gonna happen next?"
And then before I left, I said,
"Oh my God. Can we get a selfie together?"
Uh, and he said, "Of course," you know.
And I take a selfie
with George W. Bush and me.
And I run downstairs,
get in the car with my brother and sister,
and sent that picture
directly to Andrew Cuomo.
I was like, "Good enough for a president,
but not good enough for a governor?"
And then it came out,
like, you know, six months later
that Andrew Cuomo was a predator,
and he was, like,
harassing everyone at his workplace.
Obviously he was a predator
and harassing everyone.
He was harassing all of us
on TV every day.
I just fucking loved it, you know.
Then my virgin sister called me.
And she goes, "It's interesting how you
extricate yourself from these situations."
"You could've been dating Andrew Cuomo.
You would be canceled right now."
I was like, "You sound disappointed."
She goes, "It's just interesting.
"Think about all the times
you get close to a bad situation."
She goes, "It's almost like
our dead mother is upstairs in heaven
just protecting you and making sure
you don't fuck your life up."
She's like, "Remember Martha McIntosh
when she had her braces installed?"
"You got out of there
just in the nick of time too."
She goes,
"This is just this all over again."
"You just got out of there."
"You didn't make the decision.
It just happened."
I said, "That's a very interesting way
of looking at everything."
"That's how you think our mom
is spending her time in heaven?"
"By cockblocking me on the ground?"
She's like, "Think about Bill Cosby.
Think about that."
I had forgotten about Bill Cosby.
I was in my twenties performing
at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City,
and Bill Cosby was performing.
I was doing two nights.
He was doing two nights.
And after the first night,
I'm walking through the casino,
and the casino manager came up and said,
"Bill Cosby wants to meet you
in his hotel room at 3:00 p.m."
I was like, "I'll fuckin' be there."
And I had a security guard with me
and the guy who was opening for me.
And we walked up to Bill Cosby's room.
It was 2:50.
I'm always early, 'cause no one
picked me up from school.
And I'm waiting, and then I knock
on the door at three o'clock sharp,
and Bill Cosby opens the door.
I grew up worshiping Bill Cosby.
I grew up wanting my father
to be more professional like Bill Cosby.
I wanted my dad to have a gynecological
practice in our basement. You know?
With a swinging kitchen door
and a fucking... clean sweaters on.
My dad would have never had the tenacity
to get all the degrees necessary
to become a gynecologist.
He would have been more
of a farm-to-table gynecologist.
But I wanted to be part of that family.
I wanted to be sisters
with Rudy and Vanessa,
and I wanted to fuck the shit
out of my brother Theo.
That's what I wanted for myself.
Bill Cosby wanted to meet me?
Bill Cosby knew who I was?
Do you know how, like, meaningful that was
when I was at that age
and we didn't know anything
about Bill Cosby that we know now?
I couldn't wait for him to open the door,
and when he did,
he had that huge
Jell-O pudding smile, you know.
And he opened the door,
and I looked at him, and he looked at me,
and I jumped into his arms.
And I was like, "Dad, I'm home."
And we held each other,
you know, for moments.
And then, finally, he released me.
And then the door opened to emerge
that I was with two men
that he hadn't seen,
and his face turned from
a Jell-O pudding smile into a big frown.
And I didn't know at the time
what was going on.
Now I know that he was like, "Do I have
enough roofies for all of these people?"
And we walk into Bill Cosby's room,
and we're sitting there.
And he's got
this huge, palatial presidential suite.
And I'm sitting there with my opener
and my security guard.
And he just starts laying into the guy
that's opening for me.
Bill Cosby telling the guy
that he'll never amount to anything
opening for a woman.
And at first, I thought we were...
I was like, "Is this a j... Ha-ha!"
Like...
"Are we on, you know, Punk'd? Like, what..."
And then I realized
he was, like, venomous and mean.
And I was a young woman.
I didn't know how to stand up for myself.
But I had to, you know.
I had to stand up for my friend.
I was like, "We have to get up.
Like, this is awful."
"What is he doing?"
And we walked out of that room,
and I'll never forget,
the three of us were so... um...
Ugh, it was the worst feeling, you know?
That...
Walking, we couldn't even say anything
to each other.
They always say, "Never meet your idols."
And I've only had two idols.
Woody Allen and Bill Cosby.
And then that story came out
about six years later,
that Bill Cosby was roofieing every woman
that came to his hotel room.
And so my virgin sister called me again.
She's like, "Well, now we know
why Bill Cosby
was in such a bad mood that day."
And I was like,
"Little does Bill Cosby know
that that roofie wouldn't have put
a fucking dent in me."
Thank you, New Jersey!
Thank you for such a fun show!
Thank you!
Thank you, guys!
Thank you, guys!
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you, guys!