Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972) Movie Script
1
(insects chirping)
(frog croaking)
(bird chirping)
(insects chirping)
(frog croaking)
- Who the hell is that?
What?
Son of a bitch.
Good Lord, I think that one's alive.
Let me see about that one.
Middle of the night.
(zombie roars)
(man screaming)
(ominous music)
(man grunting)
(man yelling)
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(coffin hinges creaking)
(sand crunching)
(ominous music)
(foghorn blares)
(engine revving)
(boat horns honking)
(water splashing)
- Paul, light that other lantern for me.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Hurry up with that lantern.
- Hey, Alan, I can't find the sail bag.
- It's forward.
- I looked, I can't find it.
- Oh, Christ, I'll get it.
- Hey, Paul.
- Yeah?
- This island doesn't smell so hot.
- Well, that's because they probably
don't bury their dead too deep.
- This place is creepy.
Are we really gonna dig up a dead body?
- That's what he said.
(Terry scoffs)
- Sort of makes him a ghoul, doesn't it?
Boy, that's typecasting.
- Shh, he'll hear you.
- So.
- So, you'll be an unemployed actress.
- Paul, use this.
(foghorn blares)
- Well, I don't see any dead people.
- Oh, the, the graveyard starts
right up around that bend.
- Where's the cottage?
- Oh, a few hundred
yards from the graveyard.
Say, Paul, I was thinking.
Since, Terry's a new
member of the company,
sort of coming into her
theatrical puberty, so to speak.
(Alan chuckles)
I just might have to invoke
the rule of primal juncture.
- Primal juncture, what's that?
- It means he gets to
make it with me first.
Sort of like the slave master
breaking in all the new virgins, right?
- Well, crudely put,
but basically accurate.
Well, Paul?
- Well, you'll have to ask the virgin.
- You're about 10 years too late.
I lost it when I was a
Brownie, to an Eagle Scout.
- Oh, really?
- Scout's honor.
- How many merits does an Eagle Scout get
for seducing a Brownie?
- I don't know, you'll have to check that
in your Boy Scout Manual, under
things to do in the woods.
- Clever girl.
Everybody grab your suitcases.
(creature howls)
- Hey, Alan, who's your travel agent?
Count Dracula?
- I feel like I'm on the Late, Late Show.
- I'd whistle past the graveyard,
but my lips are afraid to be separated.
- Gee, I wonder if Tab
Hunter started like this?
- Oh, I haven't laughed this hard
since Granny got caught in the wringer.
(bird hooting)
(crickets chirping)
- There's a light ahead.
What is it?
- That's the graveyard.
- What the hell are they doing
with a street lamp out here?
- This used to be a resort island.
Come on.
Oh, and don't worry, they
only drink kosher blood here,
and all the vampires
have their health cards
and they get inspected once a week.
- You know, Alan, you're really weird.
You ought a be in a wax museum somewhere.
- Kneeling right under
the guy in the black hood.
- Well, there it is.
Ulalume, the sanctum of Satan.
It's a set, you had it built.
(Alan giggles)
- It's a masterpiece.
The vibrations are powerful.
- Why the hell would they
build a graveyard out here?
- Ah, yes, a logical question,
to which there is a logical answer.
The island you see has a history,
which I shall relate.
But first, the 10 cent tour.
- Which we get for only a quarter.
- This area is the pauper section.
All the corpses here were buried recently.
Kelly just levels off a section of ground,
throws the stiffs in it
until the section is filled
then levels off another.
- You mean the people right under my feet
were just put here?
(Alan giggles)
- They're hardly cold.
And a more delightful gaggle
of retches you will never meet.
Murderers, rapists.
- There aren't any paupers
buried in that section.
- No, indeed there aren't.
That is hallowed ground.
Come children, Uncle Alan's
going to curdle your blood.
- Uncle Alan already does.
Turns my stomach too.
I hope these things are
going to stay in the ground.
- Not if I can help it.
- Yuck.
- Feast your eyes on one of
the last vestiges of grace,
one of the last flights
of pure imagination,
of unadulterated creativity.
- It's a boneyard.
- A boneyard?
A boneyard?
(Alan chuckles)
What a travesty!
A sacrilege!
A masterful reduction of the
sublime to the commonplace.
Only a truly ordinary mind, Jeffrey,
could conceive such an idea.
- It is kind of pretty.
(Alan groans)
- Give me a moment.
The magnitude of your
simplitude overwhelms me.
- Oh, what the hell's he talkin' about?
- Humor him, it's an old war injury.
I'll talk to him.
Alan, is it your hemorrhoids again?
(all laughing)
- Your levity does not amuse me, Jeffrey.
You're on sacred ground, my friend.
A very font of evil.
For in this very crypt, lay a man
whose malice appalled the gods.
Whose unrelenting thirst
for vengeance inflamed
the mind of Satan himself.
Even now, demonic forces hover here,
feeding upon the psychic
force of that one act.
Be still.
Listen.
(ominous music)
Even now, their malevolent
gaze may be falling upon you.
- I don't care if their
gaze falls upon me,
as long as they keep their
pea-pickin' hands to themselves.
(Paul scoffs)
- Come, children, stay in single file
and take hold of one another.
There are things in the
night waiting for children
who stray out of the light.
(animals hooting)
(animals chattering)
- It's a good thing he's a director,
because, wow, what a bad actor.
- I don't know,
I kind of get the feeling
something is following us.
- Oh, what rot.
- Could be.
- Could be rotten.
- Shh.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I think I did.
- Oh, brother, Alan will love this.
- I know I heard something, wait a minute.
(ominous music)
Well, we all heard it.
- Evil entities.
I told you about them.
- Not evil entities.
Probably just one weird person.
- What's the difference?
We've got a shotgun in here.
- Paul, you can't scare
off demons with a shotgun.
- I don't care about demons,
I just hope we haven't offended the leader
of some hippy cult.
- Oh, Christ, did you have to say that?
- No, no, he's right.
What a perfect place for a mass murder.
How about this,
a group of jaded young
deviants, that's us,
comes to a burial island
to dabble in witchcraft,
try a few spells, but, but we stumble
onto some really sick
cult which follows us
along a deserted path
until, until finally.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm leaving.
- Don't give him the satisfaction.
- What, I'm just being realistic.
I mean, they're having
trouble all over the world
with grave robbers, ghouls,
people breaking into cemeteries.
- But we're the grave robbers,
whose going to bother us?
- Nobody but demons.
Come on now, children, it's
late and we've got a lot to do.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
- Cheerful.
- Yeah, it has a nice, homey feeling.
- Better get used to
it, it's home for now.
- How long has this place been empty?
- About two years.
This door is pretty sturdy.
Let's check the windows.
- Who lives here?
- The caretaker of the cemetery.
- Where is he now?
- An insane asylum.
- Oh, God, I'm afraid to ask.
- Oh, it's quite ordinary, really.
Killed his wife and two children,
they found him babbling.
- Why didn't they get another caretaker?
- They did.
- Hey, look, there's a woodpile.
At least we can build a fire.
- That's the best news
I've heard all night.
(wood banging)
- Paul, come here.
We can kick these shutters in.
Go ahead, Paul, do your athlete thing.
Go through and open the door.
(wood banging)
(Paul grunts)
(ominous music)
(Paul screams)
- Jesus Christ!
- Paul, Paul, what's the matter?
- Paul!
- Spiders, goddamn it!
Jesus, I hate spiders!
(Alan laughing)
Jesus, I hate spiders!
- You scared the hell out of us.
- Oh, sorry!
Why don't you come around,
I'll open the door.
- Ah, not bad.
Jeff and Paul, you bring in the trunk,
and, Jeffrey, then you build
a fire in the fireplace.
All right?
Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.
I, I suggest we explore the quarters
while Jeffrey's building the fire.
We may even come across
a fuse box, who knows?
- I suggest, let's sit by
the fireplace until it's lit.
You Boy Scouts go and explore.
- Anya, why don't you tidy up?
And, Jeffrey, you repair that
window, would you please?
Paul, Terry and I will
ferret out the castle.
- Hey, why don't we let
the mighty Joe Karate repair
the window, since he broke it.
- I'm going to ferret out
the castle with the master.
- Hmm, look.
- Oh, God!
Oh, this is getting worse all the time.
- What is it?
- Rats.
- Well, if we come under siege,
and the supplies run low,
rat stew.
- In your case, that would be cannibalism.
(Alan giggles)
- Let's check upstairs.
Paul, get me that
lantern, would you please?
- I keep thinking about Satan
worshipers with hatchets.
- I'm not surprised.
Did you read about
those campers last week?
A group of kids came
over to their campsite
and, invited them for dinner.
When they got to the kid's camp,
they realized they were the dinner.
- All right, all right.
(Alan giggles)
Jesus Christ.
- Hey, did they?
- Yeah, they sure did.
- Look, I, I shouldn't ask,
but whatever happened
to the other caretaker?
- He hanged himself.
- You shouldn't have asked.
- In, in this very room,
if I'm not mistaken.
- Now, wait a minute, this is too much.
You tell us the first
caretaker murdered his family,
the second caretaker hanged himself.
I mean, it's like a grade B movie
where the villain tries
to drive the victims mad.
- Oh, a villain, how flattering.
- Do you have a large insurance
policy on this company?
- No, I'm bumping you all
off as my contribution
to good theater.
(ominous music)
- Terry and I are going downstairs.
(fire crackling)
- This is beginning to look
like "The Lost Weekend."
(Jeff giggles)
- You know what they say,
a fire a day keeps those ghosts away.
- Why would you want to keep them away?
Wouldn't it be beautiful
to be really in the presence of a ghost?
A being from another plane.
- You're serious?
- Yes, of course.
- Well, I don't know.
I always heard that ghosts have a way
of being downright nasty.
- Oh, that's not true.
What people perceive as evil in ghosts
and spirits is only a reflection
of their own malevolence and fear.
People create their own demons.
- That's not very original, Anya.
- Something is going to happen tonight.
I can feel it.
(fire crackling)
- Oh, I wouldn't go in there, Anya.
The place is full of rats.
- Oh, they don't bother me.
Rats don't mind people
that don't mind them.
(Paul giggles)
- I'll have to remember that
next time I run into a rat.
- Personally, I never
met a rat I didn't like.
Let's take a rat to lunch today
Show him that he's
one of the bunch today
(all giggle)
- All right, children, story time.
Uncle Alan's going to chill your marrow
and make you squeal and get
all wet and get goose pimples.
- What the hell's the gun for?
- Just in case any little
ghosties try to break in here
and gobble up my children.
- Hey, you got silver buckshot in there?
- No, but I've got this.
- What is it?
- What is it?
It's the sorcerer's source box,
the warlock's war chest,
the conjuror's conjuration.
- The nincompoop's knapsack.
- If things get really desperate,
I'll just have you re-enact
some of your past performances.
Not even a thing from
the blackest pit of hell
could stand up to that.
- What else have you got?
- Oh, I've got many things.
For instance, this.
Banes to ward off evil entities.
- Gee, Mr. Wizard,
how do you get the litmus
paper to turn blue?
- Same way I get the egg
into the Coke bottle, bitch.
(men giggle)
And this treasure of treasures.
Here, Anya, hold that 'til I'm ready.
- What, pray tell, is that
treasure of treasures?
- Later, Jeffrey, later.
First, my robe.
- Oh, wow!
Where can I pick up one of those?
- On the other side of eternity, my dear.
- Talk about my performances.
- What time is it?
- It's 11:30.
- Perfect.
- Perfect for what?
- Midnight is the optimum
time for any summation.
- Wait a minute, just exactly
what are we summoning?
I think it's about time
the wizard came clean.
- Oh, time the wizard came clean.
(Alan giggles)
You know that's very poetic, Paul,
in a prosaic kind of way.
- Look, we may not be poets,
but we do have a right
to know what's going on.
- The people speak!
A little democratic action, ay?
Well, let me remind you, my darlings,
that this company is not
a democratic enterprise.
It's a feudal state.
I rule it.
I own it.
I own you.
The only difference
between this feudal state
and any other feudal state
is that here the serfs,
that's you, can quit anytime you like.
Anybody wanna quit?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Oh, the revolution is dead.
Long live the king.
(Alan giggles)
However, as befits a
benevolent and loving ruler,
I shall divulge all.
Anya, the book.
This is a grimoire, a
book of ancient spells,
descending in a direct
line from the druids
and the old religion.
It has spells, counter spells,
conjurations, summations
and here is the spell I have
chosen for our purposes.
It details the simple steps
and the simple words necessary
to enable a master to call forth
the dead from their graves,
to bend their wills to
his and serve him always
in this world and the next.
And this island meets the
unique stipulations required
for a summation.
A consummate evil was committed here,
a curse lies upon it and there
are fresh cadavers available
and waiting for us.
And it's nearly midnight,
so I suggest we go and exhume our corpse.
(animals hooting)
(ominous music)
- Hey, Alan, how many
years do they give you
for grave robbing?
- They hang you.
- Suspended sentence, ay?
(Jeff giggles)
- Oh, my God,
is nothing sacred?
- Ding dong, Avon calling.
(Jeff giggles)
- I suppose Jeff and I
are the burial detail?
- Val can help you.
(ominous music)
Let's see, "Orville Dunworth, 1929-1971."
Oh, he ought a be ripe.
Okay, this is the one.
- So, this is the lucky stiff, huh?
(Jeff laughing)
- Oh, shut up.
Okay, troops, dig in.
Where's Anya?
- She's back by the crypt.
(sand crunching)
- Excellent.
Well, let's see if anybody's home.
Open up.
- Hope he doesn't mind
us dropping in like this.
(Alan giggles)
(hinges creaking)
Jesus Christ, is that for real?
- God, I don't believe it.
- Ugh!
- Looks like Dracula.
- Decomposition does
strange things to people.
Haul him up, Jeff, let's
take a closer look.
- You want me to touch that thing?
- He won't bite you.
- Oh, I wouldn't bet on it.
- Just lift him up to the rim, Jeff.
Paul and I will haul him out.
(zombie roars)
(Jeff screaming)
(women screaming)
(zombie roars)
(Jeff mumbles)
(Roy speaking indistinctly)
(Alan giggling)
- Roy?
- Certainly, you crazy bitch.
- You bastards!
- Listen, Alan.
This crazy man bloodied my nose.
(Alan giggling)
(Emerson screaming)
(Alan giggling)
- Paul, listen, it isn't funny,
we were on the verge of
a genuine tragedy here.
(Alan giggling)
- I peed my pants.
I peed my pants.
(Alan giggling)
- Listen, my nose is bleeding.
That's blood from my body.
- Listen, Alan, you didn't
say there'd be a madman
with an ax.
Jesus Christ, I could've
been seriously hurt.
- You mean this was a gag?
- No, no, Paul, these are two real ghouls.
They just, they just had a
change of heart, that's all.
- Yeah, we're trying to go straight.
(Emerson giggles)
(Alan giggling)
- I ought a use this on you, man.
(Alan giggling)
- I peed my pants.
Huh, yeah, I peed my pants.
- Medic!
- Oh, good heavens.
Mayhem, carnage, ugh,
this is really the limit.
I mean fun's fun, but really!
Hush, darling, I'm putting
you in for a Purple Heart.
(Alan giggling)
- Is that Emerson?
(Alan giggling)
Oh, my God!
- You've got a weird sense of humor.
(Alan giggling)
- Oh, come one, let's
give the devil his due.
Very good, Alan.
Get up, Jeff.
- I peed my pants.
- We all did.
That was really masterful.
How long did you take on this?
- Emerson, Roy and I came out
here yesterday and set it up.
- Bravo, come on Emer,
let me see your makeup.
(Val giggles)
Magnificent.
How long did it take you?
- Oh, I worked on it
for about three hours.
- Mine took four hours,
of course, I was the lead.
- 'Cause you're stupid enough
to let yourself be buried
in a filthy hole.
- How long were you in there?
- About an hour.
You can last several hours.
Let's see your battle wound, Roy.
- And of course the mad, cultist killer
who was stalking us was Emerson.
- I cannot tell a lie, it
was I and my trusty fangs.
(both giggling)
- Only a truly sick mind could
have conceived such a plot.
- Thank you.
- And you, you little devils,
you gave the best performance
of your entire careers.
- I peed in my pants.
- Will you quit giving us a play-by-play
of your flabby bladder?
(men giggling)
- My God, you should
have seen the creature
we took out of that hole.
- I nearly fainted, he's really dead.
- He was probably a dishwasher.
That's a far cry from robber
barons and rape and demons.
There are a bunch of plumbers
and panhandlers buried out here.
Pretty punk stuff to tempt Satan with.
- Not quite so.
I'm sure there are quite a few murderers
and other assorted types
that will please the master.
Emerson, what time is it?
- It's five of 12.
- Ah, the witching hour.
We have to hurry, he won't wait.
What did you do with
what's his name, Orville?
- He's over behind that tomb.
- Wait a minute.
The joke's over.
Terry's scared as hell,
I'm taking her out of here.
- Have a good swim and don't
forget to drop your script off
at the theater when you get back.
- It's okay, Paul.
It scared me, that's
all, I'm all right now.
- Look, this has gone far enough, man.
- Look, it's my job too,
I don't wanna be fired.
- You sure?
- Oh, why don't you stop?
If made her crawl in that
coffin and spend the night
with Orville, you wouldn't
lift a finger to help
if you thought it would cost you your job.
And you know why?
Because you're headed for the top,
the new Brando, actor, stud, bon vivant.
All man-bull.
You know what you are?
You're a slab of meat I
hired to dress my stage.
And I like my sides of beef
to hang quietly in the corner
until I need them.
So why don't you just shut up!
- Oh, I hate it when
you get so sentimental
and mushy like that.
Of course they'll stay.
They wouldn't miss a chance
to see you square off
with the devil.
Or maybe eat a little crow,
when your performance gets a big yawn.
- If we judge by past performance,
I don't think I'll bore anybody.
- You can't live old reviews.
This is a new play.
Let's get it on.
What do you say, children?
Would you like to see the maestro perform?
Do you think we can take it?
- I'm not too worried.
- Jeffrey?
- I don't care, give 'em hell.
Anybody got a dry Pamper?
(men giggle)
- Gentlemen?
- As long as we don't have to dig 'em up.
- All right, it's time.
Go and drag Orville over here.
- Anya?
Where's Anya?
- She's abiding.
- Anya, what are you doing now?
- I'm gazing at the scroll of immortality.
- Well, when you come
to the end of a chapter,
will you please crawl up out of that hole
and get the book and the makings.
- It's really much nicer in here.
- Great, we'll make it for a
weekend sometime, all right?
Come on now, it almost midnight.
-Is it?
(Anya groans)
- Good, good, he's magnificent.
Look at him, Anya.
- I wonder what he's thinking.
- Jeff, get the candles.
Lift Orville up here.
Let's see.
We'll prop him up against the crucifix.
Bend his arms over the lateral.
- My God, he's stiff as plaster.
(Alan giggles)
- Perfect.
(owl hooting)
(ominous music)
Anya, the envelope.
"And what's in the envelope?
They all asked, breathlessly.
What's in the envelope, Alan?
Blood.
The dried blood of an unborn infant,
as called for in the book of spells.
(Alan giggles)
Now, don't worry, no murder was committed,
it's just that every summation demands
a sovereign ingredient to a sacrifice.
This is ours.
Help me up.
Now we begin.
Jeff, Paul, Emerson and Roy, grab shovels.
I want you to follow behind me,
break the earth over the graves.
Thus.
I will go after and anoint
them as prescribed, go.
(Jeff whistling)
- And after we do all of this,
the dead are going to rise
from their graves, right?
- Thus spaketh the master.
(Jeff whistling)
- Hmm, an oldie but a goodie.
- Silence!
(owl hooting)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- Poor Anya.
Any second now, I expect
to see her float off.
(ominous music)
- Summon the dead, bullshit.
Jesus Christ!
- What is it?
- Look.
- Hold this.
(Alan giggles)
God, it's beautiful.
- It's hideous.
- The root broke it open.
This is a sign.
They will rise.
This is the sign.
- Bull.
The root undermined
the coffin, that's all.
- It's a sign.
Anya.
(ominous music)
Come.
(ominous music)
- What happened over there, Alan?
- Never mind.
Kneel around the grave.
Clasp your hands together in
the inverted prayer, like this.
Open your minds.
Remove all doubt, but be on your guard.
Let nothing take hold of you.
Let nothing enter your body.
From this time on, you must be silent.
"O great diviner,
master of the three worlds,
disciple who became master,
lord of the nether world,
lord of night,
prince of darkness,
despoiler of light,
diviner of powers,
redeemer of passion,
crucible of flesh.
By the blood incarnate,
by the flesh made proud,
by the soul devoured of itself,
by these words we do implore,
by these deeds we do supplicate
and call upon the grace of thee,
lord almighty of the underworld,
to release the souls of all thy servants
who lie here un-redeemed to release them
to serve thy servant,
bending their wills always
to his, thus to thine own.
By the blood of babes unborn,
by the inversion of the Savior,
by the bond of thine own hand,
we do entreat thee, deliver them up to us
to command in thy name, to
serve our will and thine own.
By Lucifer, Beelzebub,
Mephistopheles, Arkaneez
and all the under lords we do entreat,
let them rise, let them rise up.
Spiritus aquatani, salvete, let them rise.
Let them rise up, Satan, god of all."
(crickets chirping)
- They must be out to lunch.
(all giggle)
- Shut up, Jeffrey.
- Looks like a no-show.
- A fraud, a cheap, plastic fraud.
(Alan scoffs)
Satan, you phony.
You liar!
You sorry sot!
I paid my money and I
expect my merchandise.
You cretinous clown.
You don't have any power.
Petty panderer!
Cheap, chiseling con artist!
Two-bit, penny-ante potion peddler!
- You lose, Alan.
You lose.
Your summation is a bummer.
A silly little ghost story.
You should have stuck to the clown act.
It suits your talent.
And your vilification of
Satan is rice pudding,
soggy oatmeal, stale goods, Alan,
like all your creative efforts.
You're a clerk, Alan, a bookkeeper.
You'd better accept that.
And you know why?
Because it takes an artist
to deal with the devil,
not an insurance man with
delusions of grandeur.
Get out of the grave.
Get out of the grave, Alan.
Let an artist show you how
call a curse down on Satan.
Hail, satanic majesty!
Hail, mighty master of evil!
Tormentor of lost souls,
paragon of perfidy,
antichrist, vilest of the vile,
respected foe of Jehovah
and the archangel,
usurper, seducer, panderer supreme.
Hail!
(thunder rumbles)
So what's with this little
thing we're asking, huh?
A few rotting corpses to
serve our meager needs.
So what's the trouble, hmm?
You got the blood you were asking, right?
You got Orville, right?
You've got the warlock and his war chest.
Right?
Is that a bargain, I ask you?
A vizard, foist class!
So where's the goods?
(men chuckling)
Satan!
You tweaker of puppy-dog tails!
(thunder rumbling)
You bilious bag of bombast.
You paltry purveyor of potence.
You half-witted Helicon of horse manure.
Mighty master of evil!
Ha!
Your most terrifying
trick is growing warts
on old ladies' noses, scaring
scarecrows, snitching buttons,
ingrown toenails, corns and chickenpox.
(finger snaps)
That's your speed.
(all giggling)
- Very good, Valerie, very good.
Excellent.
(Jeff laughing)
- Bravo, not bad.
- It's a tie game!
(all giggling)
- Not quite, I've got
another ace in the hole.
Or, an ace out of the hole, I should say.
- Oh
- Mm-hmm.
It's party time, it's
the shank of the evening.
My friend, Orville, and
I are having cocktails
in 10 minutes at my island cottage.
Strictly informal.
- Wait a minute, you can't do that.
- Oh, but I can.
It's Orville's coming-out party.
He's been away for a long time.
Orville's in the underground, you know.
I'm sure he has many
interesting things to tell us.
- Alan, you're not really
gonna take that thing
back to the cottage.
- But it's his party.
I, I mean, it certainly would be rude
not to invite him to his own party.
- We should show some
respect for the dead.
- Why?
The dead are losers.
If anybody hasn't earned
respect, it's the dead.
- A man has a right to some
dignity, even when he's dead.
- Man?
Man is a machine that manufactures manure.
(Terry sighs)
- Anya?
- We'll put him back.
I think he'll like it.
We won't embarrass him, will we, Alan?
- Oh, not a bit, no.
I'd be mortified, I.
More than likely Orville
will shame us all.
- You always seem to be
holding the cards, Alan.
Let's see how many more
you have up your sleeve.
- Okay.
Jeff, you and Paul escort
Orville back to the cottage.
Carry him Roman style.
(thunder rumbling)
Roy, you and Emerson stay
here and fill in the graves.
And then bring the trunk back
to the cottage when you come.
- Why do we get all the physical stuff?
- Because you're such physical brutes.
Oh, and you'd better
bring the caretaker back
to the house with you.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- Wait 'til Gay Power hears about this.
(crickets chirping)
(body thuds)
(Alan giggling)
- It's customary to carry the
corpse over the threshold.
- Right!
- Looks like the honeymoon is over.
- Wrong, we're not even married yet.
Wait a minute now, let's see.
Stand him, him?
Her?
It?
Stand it up.
- You crushed his bouquet.
- Correction, it's bouquet.
- It does have a very definite bouquet.
- Careful, that's my bride-to-be
you're talking about.
- A perfect match.
- And you, a holy man.
Shame, shame.
Paul, you can be best man.
Or should I say best corpse?
- 10 to one it's a shotgun wedding.
- Let's see, family of
the groom on the right.
Family of the corpse on the left.
Val, if you don't mind.
(Jeff giggles)
All right, who's going
to give the bride away?
- I don't know but you better hurry.
- Music.
(Anya humming)
Begin.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join together this man
and this body in holy, well, not so holy,
but it's okay, wedlock, more or less.
All right, please repeat after me.
I, Alan, take this body.
- I, Alan, take this body.
- Yeah, welcome to it,
you deserve everything you're getting.
(all laughing)
To love, honor and cherish,
in sickness and in health,
for richer or for poorer,
'til death do you part.
And you'd better hurry, believe you me.
(Jeff giggles)
And, Orville, do you go
along with all of this?
Well, then by the power invested
in me by Reddy Kilowatt,
I now pronounce you man
and, well, whatever he is.
(Jeff giggles)
(ominous music)
(sand crunching)
- Paul, see if you can put
some life into the party.
- Which party are you referring to?
- Down, Jeff.
Okay, Big P, let's get
this show on the road.
What's the matter, big fella?
Cat-daver got your tongue?
(men giggling)
What a bunch of stiffs, eh, Orv?
(Jeff chuckles)
That's all right, keep a stiff upper lip.
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
Keep a stiff upper lip!
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
Orville's my straight man.
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
All right, pretty boy, you do it.
- I can't think of anything funny to say.
- That's because it's not funny.
It's disgusting.
- Disgusting?
Do I disgust you,
Miss Seducible Brownie?
Why, this is just good, clean fun.
Sure, check it out in
your Girl Scout Manual
under things to do in the cemetery.
- Now, wait a minute.
- Sit down, meat.
You know, I don't think that Orville
likes being called disgusting.
I know that I don't like
being called disgusting.
Perhaps you shouldn't be working
for someone so disgusting!
Hmm?
Maybe I ought to just release
you from your contract
under the disgusting clause.
And, and also from my
disgusting claws, hmm?
(Alan giggles)
Well, guess we'll have to dig
up a new ingenue, eh, Orville?
Got anyone you'd like to recommend?
- No.
- It's an immediate opening.
- I didn't mean to start anything.
- You didn't mean to start anything?
Why did you, then?
- I was upset.
- Well, now Orville's upset.
I don't know.
I'll see if he'll forgive you.
What do you think, Orville?
Wanna listen to what she's got to say?
Hmm?
What's that?
Very righteous of you.
He will hear you.
(thunder rumbles)
- I would apologize to you, Orville but.
- Uh-uh, he speaks.
How magnanimous.
He says you may sit.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
- With a sense of humor like yours, you.
(Alan tuts)
- Please, do not flatter him.
That is so insulting.
Anya?
Care to join in?
- Shouldn't treat him like this.
Look at how beautiful he
is, Alan, and how sad.
We shouldn't hurt him or make fun of him.
He won't like us if we do.
He'll be angry with us.
We should respect his beauty.
There is great beauty in death.
It shouldn't be defiled.
- No, Anya, that won't do.
That won't do at all.
He wants to see more feeling.
Real feeling.
- I'm new to the company, so naturally,
I wanted to make an impression.
- I, I don't think he believes you.
(thunder rumbles)
- It's true, I really
don't go for any of this
but I felt like I had to
because I wanted to be accepted.
- I, I don't think he believes any
of that phony crap.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
Terry, I don't think he
thinks you have any talent.
I'm not sure that I think
you have any talent.
- I do though!
I do have talent when I have a good part
and when I'm really in character.
I do have talent, I do.
- A few tears, well, that's
a little more convincing.
(Alan snaps)
Next!
- Stop it!
- What did you say?
(crickets chirping)
- Listen.
Listen.
If we respect him, he'll respect us.
Look, he's trying to tell us.
You can see it in his face.
- It's clay, that's all.
Feel it.
It's like a primitive hut,
clay pieces stuck together
with splints of bone.
That's all you are, Orville, old buddy.
Clay, mud.
- Stop it.
Stop it!
- Orville's my friend.
I'll do what I want with him.
He's mine.
I'm gonna take you home with me Orville
and I'm gonna prop you
up in my living room.
And when friends come to call,
I'm going to say, "Here's
my good friend, Orville."
- Stop it!
- And when you finally fall apart,
I'm gonna take your scraps
and feed them to my dog.
How about that, Anya?
Am I showing enough respect for the dead?
- Stop it!
- And when he's nothing but bones,
I'm gonna take him all apart
and use him for book ends.
Or maybe a soup ladle, or a mobile.
Anything that comes to mind.
- Stop talking like that.
- Why?
I'm gonna get a big kick out of it.
And I'll tell you what I'll
do, I'll take all the bones
and I'll paint them
and use them for Christmas
decorations, hmm?
Deck the halls with bones of ivory
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
- You don't know what you are saying.
- I know what I'm saying all right.
Come on, Orville.
Time for bed.
- Let go of him!
We didn't know what we doing.
We'll make up for this.
I didn't understand before, but I do now!
Oh, God!
Please forgive us.
(thunder rumbles)
Please!
(Anya sobbing)
You will, won't you?
You will, you will?
Please.
Please, no!
No!
No!
(Anya screaming)
They won't!
They won't!
We have to get out of here!
(Anya sobbing)
Please!
- Get that thing out of here!
- No, don't touch it, don't touch it!
It's evil!
You're evil!
You!
You!
Oh, please, please!
Please.
(Anya sobbing)
(thunder rumbles)
- You've gone too far this time.
- I don't give a damn
what you think, get out!
(thunder rumbles)
- She feeling any better now?
- Oh, I wouldn't say she's
in the best of health.
- You feeling better?
- She seems calmer.
- Look, Jeff, I think we
ought to get out of here.
- Do you think we can move her?
- We've got to, she needs help.
- Okay, but I hope she
doesn't get hysterical again.
- We're all going to get
hysterical if we don't get out now.
And that's what we're going to do.
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous music)
- You're a great teacher,
Orville, and a wonderful friend.
And I think, in time,
we may get even closer.
- Hey, don't put the shovels up,
we have to bury Mr. Hyde over there.
- Listen, that thing smells.
- Listen, we're not asking
you to wear it, just bury it.
- God, you're disgusting.
(ominous music)
What are you gonna do with it?
- Just cover it with some dirt.
- Oh, look at that ring,
isn't it fantastic?
Oh.
Oh, they buried him
without his Right Guard.
(ominous music)
(zombie roaring)
(Roy screaming)
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(zombies growling)
(Roy groaning)
- Alan.
- Alan's gone, may I help you?
- You never give up, do you?
- I've only just begun.
- We're leaving.
- Oh, that's interesting.
How are you going?
- We're taking your boat.
- Huh, claiming the victory, eh?
- That's right.
- You going to, ah, finance
your victory celebration
with your unemployment checks?
- It won't work, Alan, this time you lose.
- Orville still loves me.
(ominous music)
- Is he coming?
- I didn't ask him.
(zombies snarling)
- My God, what's that?
(zombies snarling)
- Shh.
(zombies snarling)
- Jesus Christ!
- Wait.
Roy.
Oh, God.
- They're coming!
They're coming!
(zombies growling)
- We didn't hurt him!
We didn't hurt him!
(zombies snarling)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- Paul, get me a board,
something to cover this with.
(zombie snarling)
(door thudding)
Get me a hammer and nails.
Come on, hurry!
(door thudding)
(hammer thudding)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- What is it?
- Shh!
- That thing, I swear to
God, it's from the graveyard,
that thing.
- That's ridiculous.
- It is, I swear it is.
- Jesus, it is.
It is, oh, God.
- Wait a minute.
Alan.
Is this a joke?
(door thudding)
(Alan panting)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
- Alan, the chair.
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
The door, Alan, the one by the front door.
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
(Val groans)
Help, Jeff!
Hurry!
Hurry!
(Val groaning)
Hurry!
Now, Paul.
- Val, get a hammer.
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
Paul.
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
(hammer thudding)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- What about that room?
- The windows are boarded
but you'd better check, yeah.
(zombies growling)
- They've stopped.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- God, this is impossible.
- Let me see.
- They're just standing there.
- They can't get in back there.
- Good.
- Oh, my God, look at those things.
- Come on, let's check the back.
- What's happened?
- I don't know.
- It can't be.
Give me the flashlight, quick!
(zombies growling)
They're everywhere.
- What is this?
Why are they after us?
- Man, I don't care why,
they're trying to kill us.
- Now wait a minute.
Well, we don't know that.
Let's just, let's just use our heads.
Maybe they just wanna frighten us off.
- What the hell are you talking about?
For Christ's sake, man, look at Roy.
- Roy.
Roy.
(zombies shrieking)
- He's dead.
- Dead?
Oh, God.
(Terry sobbing)
Oh, my God.
- They must have gotten Emerson too.
- What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
(wood thudding)
(zombies growling)
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
What are we gonna do about this?
One of them tried to get in here.
- Well, we'll lock the door.
Come on, we've got to
check the other bedroom.
(door thuds)
- It's okay.
(door clicks)
(zombies growling)
- Look.
- They're gonna kill us.
(zombies growling)
- They can't get up here, it's too high.
(zombies growling)
- What are we gonna do?
- I think it's fairly obvious,
somebody's got to get to
the boat and bring help.
Look, we're trapped in here.
If they found a way to
get up to the bedroom,
it won't be a long time
before they're in here.
- But what about the gun?
- Look, we left it in the
trunk back at the graveyard.
- Yeah, well they seem pretty slow.
Why don't we try and run for it.
- There are too many of
them and we don't know
how many more of them
are outside the light.
- Look, if you could get
them out front somehow,
I could slip out the back.
- No, Paul, please.
- It's probably the only way.
You think you can get by them?
- You're gonna have to go
out the door and fight them
until they all get out front.
- It should work.
(Paul scoffs)
- Right.
(Paul sighs)
Let's do it.
- All right, Paul, let's clear the door.
(door rattles)
(zombies snarling)
We'll distract them as best we can.
Good luck.
(zombies growling)
Ready?
Now.
(zombies roaring)
- Look out!
(zombies roaring)
(door creaks)
(zombies roaring)
(Paul sobbing)
(ominous music)
- Oh, my God.
- Paul?
Paul?
(Terry gasping)
(Terry screaming)
(zombies growling)
- No!
No!
- No!
(Terry screaming)
(zombies growling)
- This can't happen.
- It is happening!
Don't sit there whining,
you sickening pervert.
It is happening, you did it, you did it!
You've got to get us out of this.
You've got to get us out of this.
- Stop it, stop it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Now, listen to me.
There's got to be a way out.
Maybe Alan can get us out of here.
This book.
Isn't there a way of sending them back?
A counter spell.
- Counterspell.
A recitation for the dead,
recitation for the dead.
Wait a minute.
Okay, here it is, wait.
"A litany,
calling the counter spell."
Wait.
"Return the blood to fire."
Wait.
(Alan mumbles)
Return the blood to fire.
Burn the life from the undead.
- Something's happening, keep it up.
- "Return the ceremonial
corpse to the grave."
God, we can't do that.
- Read it!
- "Read the words as
they are written and of,
in the, and in the prescribed
manner for these things."
- Read it.
- "Prince of Darkness, brethren of hell,
masters of the fiery pit, hear
the prayers of thy servants,
we who have transgressed
against thy might."
- Something's happening, don't stop.
- "And grant us pardon, grant us leave,
release us from thy vengeance,
accept our vow that we
shall nevermore transgress
against thy awful might.
And ye of the grave whose
rest we have defiled,
ye sleepers in the eternal night,
obey the will of Lucifer, of Demogorgon,
of all the lords of hell.
If they should hear our
plea, and grant us pardon,
grant us leave, seek not our
deaths, seek not our souls,
obey the will of Lucifer,
obey the will of hell,
return and sleep and walk no more."
- It's working, it's working!
- "Return and sleep.
Return and sleep.
Return and sleep!"
- They're gone.
- Wait, listen.
(crickets chirping)
(fire crackling)
- All right.
We've gotta try it.
Don't take anything but a weapon.
We can't help him.
Let's go.
(crickets chirping)
(bird hooting)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
(zombies roaring)
(Val shrieking)
(Val screaming)
Jeff!
Jeff!
(Jeff screaming)
Jeff!
(zombies growling)
(Val screaming)
(zombies growling)
(door rattling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(door rattling)
(ominous music)
(Alan screaming)
(ominous music)
(foreboding music)
(foreboding music continues)
(insects chirping)
(frog croaking)
(bird chirping)
(insects chirping)
(frog croaking)
- Who the hell is that?
What?
Son of a bitch.
Good Lord, I think that one's alive.
Let me see about that one.
Middle of the night.
(zombie roars)
(man screaming)
(ominous music)
(man grunting)
(man yelling)
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(coffin hinges creaking)
(sand crunching)
(ominous music)
(foghorn blares)
(engine revving)
(boat horns honking)
(water splashing)
- Paul, light that other lantern for me.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Hurry up with that lantern.
- Hey, Alan, I can't find the sail bag.
- It's forward.
- I looked, I can't find it.
- Oh, Christ, I'll get it.
- Hey, Paul.
- Yeah?
- This island doesn't smell so hot.
- Well, that's because they probably
don't bury their dead too deep.
- This place is creepy.
Are we really gonna dig up a dead body?
- That's what he said.
(Terry scoffs)
- Sort of makes him a ghoul, doesn't it?
Boy, that's typecasting.
- Shh, he'll hear you.
- So.
- So, you'll be an unemployed actress.
- Paul, use this.
(foghorn blares)
- Well, I don't see any dead people.
- Oh, the, the graveyard starts
right up around that bend.
- Where's the cottage?
- Oh, a few hundred
yards from the graveyard.
Say, Paul, I was thinking.
Since, Terry's a new
member of the company,
sort of coming into her
theatrical puberty, so to speak.
(Alan chuckles)
I just might have to invoke
the rule of primal juncture.
- Primal juncture, what's that?
- It means he gets to
make it with me first.
Sort of like the slave master
breaking in all the new virgins, right?
- Well, crudely put,
but basically accurate.
Well, Paul?
- Well, you'll have to ask the virgin.
- You're about 10 years too late.
I lost it when I was a
Brownie, to an Eagle Scout.
- Oh, really?
- Scout's honor.
- How many merits does an Eagle Scout get
for seducing a Brownie?
- I don't know, you'll have to check that
in your Boy Scout Manual, under
things to do in the woods.
- Clever girl.
Everybody grab your suitcases.
(creature howls)
- Hey, Alan, who's your travel agent?
Count Dracula?
- I feel like I'm on the Late, Late Show.
- I'd whistle past the graveyard,
but my lips are afraid to be separated.
- Gee, I wonder if Tab
Hunter started like this?
- Oh, I haven't laughed this hard
since Granny got caught in the wringer.
(bird hooting)
(crickets chirping)
- There's a light ahead.
What is it?
- That's the graveyard.
- What the hell are they doing
with a street lamp out here?
- This used to be a resort island.
Come on.
Oh, and don't worry, they
only drink kosher blood here,
and all the vampires
have their health cards
and they get inspected once a week.
- You know, Alan, you're really weird.
You ought a be in a wax museum somewhere.
- Kneeling right under
the guy in the black hood.
- Well, there it is.
Ulalume, the sanctum of Satan.
It's a set, you had it built.
(Alan giggles)
- It's a masterpiece.
The vibrations are powerful.
- Why the hell would they
build a graveyard out here?
- Ah, yes, a logical question,
to which there is a logical answer.
The island you see has a history,
which I shall relate.
But first, the 10 cent tour.
- Which we get for only a quarter.
- This area is the pauper section.
All the corpses here were buried recently.
Kelly just levels off a section of ground,
throws the stiffs in it
until the section is filled
then levels off another.
- You mean the people right under my feet
were just put here?
(Alan giggles)
- They're hardly cold.
And a more delightful gaggle
of retches you will never meet.
Murderers, rapists.
- There aren't any paupers
buried in that section.
- No, indeed there aren't.
That is hallowed ground.
Come children, Uncle Alan's
going to curdle your blood.
- Uncle Alan already does.
Turns my stomach too.
I hope these things are
going to stay in the ground.
- Not if I can help it.
- Yuck.
- Feast your eyes on one of
the last vestiges of grace,
one of the last flights
of pure imagination,
of unadulterated creativity.
- It's a boneyard.
- A boneyard?
A boneyard?
(Alan chuckles)
What a travesty!
A sacrilege!
A masterful reduction of the
sublime to the commonplace.
Only a truly ordinary mind, Jeffrey,
could conceive such an idea.
- It is kind of pretty.
(Alan groans)
- Give me a moment.
The magnitude of your
simplitude overwhelms me.
- Oh, what the hell's he talkin' about?
- Humor him, it's an old war injury.
I'll talk to him.
Alan, is it your hemorrhoids again?
(all laughing)
- Your levity does not amuse me, Jeffrey.
You're on sacred ground, my friend.
A very font of evil.
For in this very crypt, lay a man
whose malice appalled the gods.
Whose unrelenting thirst
for vengeance inflamed
the mind of Satan himself.
Even now, demonic forces hover here,
feeding upon the psychic
force of that one act.
Be still.
Listen.
(ominous music)
Even now, their malevolent
gaze may be falling upon you.
- I don't care if their
gaze falls upon me,
as long as they keep their
pea-pickin' hands to themselves.
(Paul scoffs)
- Come, children, stay in single file
and take hold of one another.
There are things in the
night waiting for children
who stray out of the light.
(animals hooting)
(animals chattering)
- It's a good thing he's a director,
because, wow, what a bad actor.
- I don't know,
I kind of get the feeling
something is following us.
- Oh, what rot.
- Could be.
- Could be rotten.
- Shh.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I think I did.
- Oh, brother, Alan will love this.
- I know I heard something, wait a minute.
(ominous music)
Well, we all heard it.
- Evil entities.
I told you about them.
- Not evil entities.
Probably just one weird person.
- What's the difference?
We've got a shotgun in here.
- Paul, you can't scare
off demons with a shotgun.
- I don't care about demons,
I just hope we haven't offended the leader
of some hippy cult.
- Oh, Christ, did you have to say that?
- No, no, he's right.
What a perfect place for a mass murder.
How about this,
a group of jaded young
deviants, that's us,
comes to a burial island
to dabble in witchcraft,
try a few spells, but, but we stumble
onto some really sick
cult which follows us
along a deserted path
until, until finally.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm leaving.
- Don't give him the satisfaction.
- What, I'm just being realistic.
I mean, they're having
trouble all over the world
with grave robbers, ghouls,
people breaking into cemeteries.
- But we're the grave robbers,
whose going to bother us?
- Nobody but demons.
Come on now, children, it's
late and we've got a lot to do.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
- Cheerful.
- Yeah, it has a nice, homey feeling.
- Better get used to
it, it's home for now.
- How long has this place been empty?
- About two years.
This door is pretty sturdy.
Let's check the windows.
- Who lives here?
- The caretaker of the cemetery.
- Where is he now?
- An insane asylum.
- Oh, God, I'm afraid to ask.
- Oh, it's quite ordinary, really.
Killed his wife and two children,
they found him babbling.
- Why didn't they get another caretaker?
- They did.
- Hey, look, there's a woodpile.
At least we can build a fire.
- That's the best news
I've heard all night.
(wood banging)
- Paul, come here.
We can kick these shutters in.
Go ahead, Paul, do your athlete thing.
Go through and open the door.
(wood banging)
(Paul grunts)
(ominous music)
(Paul screams)
- Jesus Christ!
- Paul, Paul, what's the matter?
- Paul!
- Spiders, goddamn it!
Jesus, I hate spiders!
(Alan laughing)
Jesus, I hate spiders!
- You scared the hell out of us.
- Oh, sorry!
Why don't you come around,
I'll open the door.
- Ah, not bad.
Jeff and Paul, you bring in the trunk,
and, Jeffrey, then you build
a fire in the fireplace.
All right?
Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.
I, I suggest we explore the quarters
while Jeffrey's building the fire.
We may even come across
a fuse box, who knows?
- I suggest, let's sit by
the fireplace until it's lit.
You Boy Scouts go and explore.
- Anya, why don't you tidy up?
And, Jeffrey, you repair that
window, would you please?
Paul, Terry and I will
ferret out the castle.
- Hey, why don't we let
the mighty Joe Karate repair
the window, since he broke it.
- I'm going to ferret out
the castle with the master.
- Hmm, look.
- Oh, God!
Oh, this is getting worse all the time.
- What is it?
- Rats.
- Well, if we come under siege,
and the supplies run low,
rat stew.
- In your case, that would be cannibalism.
(Alan giggles)
- Let's check upstairs.
Paul, get me that
lantern, would you please?
- I keep thinking about Satan
worshipers with hatchets.
- I'm not surprised.
Did you read about
those campers last week?
A group of kids came
over to their campsite
and, invited them for dinner.
When they got to the kid's camp,
they realized they were the dinner.
- All right, all right.
(Alan giggles)
Jesus Christ.
- Hey, did they?
- Yeah, they sure did.
- Look, I, I shouldn't ask,
but whatever happened
to the other caretaker?
- He hanged himself.
- You shouldn't have asked.
- In, in this very room,
if I'm not mistaken.
- Now, wait a minute, this is too much.
You tell us the first
caretaker murdered his family,
the second caretaker hanged himself.
I mean, it's like a grade B movie
where the villain tries
to drive the victims mad.
- Oh, a villain, how flattering.
- Do you have a large insurance
policy on this company?
- No, I'm bumping you all
off as my contribution
to good theater.
(ominous music)
- Terry and I are going downstairs.
(fire crackling)
- This is beginning to look
like "The Lost Weekend."
(Jeff giggles)
- You know what they say,
a fire a day keeps those ghosts away.
- Why would you want to keep them away?
Wouldn't it be beautiful
to be really in the presence of a ghost?
A being from another plane.
- You're serious?
- Yes, of course.
- Well, I don't know.
I always heard that ghosts have a way
of being downright nasty.
- Oh, that's not true.
What people perceive as evil in ghosts
and spirits is only a reflection
of their own malevolence and fear.
People create their own demons.
- That's not very original, Anya.
- Something is going to happen tonight.
I can feel it.
(fire crackling)
- Oh, I wouldn't go in there, Anya.
The place is full of rats.
- Oh, they don't bother me.
Rats don't mind people
that don't mind them.
(Paul giggles)
- I'll have to remember that
next time I run into a rat.
- Personally, I never
met a rat I didn't like.
Let's take a rat to lunch today
Show him that he's
one of the bunch today
(all giggle)
- All right, children, story time.
Uncle Alan's going to chill your marrow
and make you squeal and get
all wet and get goose pimples.
- What the hell's the gun for?
- Just in case any little
ghosties try to break in here
and gobble up my children.
- Hey, you got silver buckshot in there?
- No, but I've got this.
- What is it?
- What is it?
It's the sorcerer's source box,
the warlock's war chest,
the conjuror's conjuration.
- The nincompoop's knapsack.
- If things get really desperate,
I'll just have you re-enact
some of your past performances.
Not even a thing from
the blackest pit of hell
could stand up to that.
- What else have you got?
- Oh, I've got many things.
For instance, this.
Banes to ward off evil entities.
- Gee, Mr. Wizard,
how do you get the litmus
paper to turn blue?
- Same way I get the egg
into the Coke bottle, bitch.
(men giggle)
And this treasure of treasures.
Here, Anya, hold that 'til I'm ready.
- What, pray tell, is that
treasure of treasures?
- Later, Jeffrey, later.
First, my robe.
- Oh, wow!
Where can I pick up one of those?
- On the other side of eternity, my dear.
- Talk about my performances.
- What time is it?
- It's 11:30.
- Perfect.
- Perfect for what?
- Midnight is the optimum
time for any summation.
- Wait a minute, just exactly
what are we summoning?
I think it's about time
the wizard came clean.
- Oh, time the wizard came clean.
(Alan giggles)
You know that's very poetic, Paul,
in a prosaic kind of way.
- Look, we may not be poets,
but we do have a right
to know what's going on.
- The people speak!
A little democratic action, ay?
Well, let me remind you, my darlings,
that this company is not
a democratic enterprise.
It's a feudal state.
I rule it.
I own it.
I own you.
The only difference
between this feudal state
and any other feudal state
is that here the serfs,
that's you, can quit anytime you like.
Anybody wanna quit?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Oh, the revolution is dead.
Long live the king.
(Alan giggles)
However, as befits a
benevolent and loving ruler,
I shall divulge all.
Anya, the book.
This is a grimoire, a
book of ancient spells,
descending in a direct
line from the druids
and the old religion.
It has spells, counter spells,
conjurations, summations
and here is the spell I have
chosen for our purposes.
It details the simple steps
and the simple words necessary
to enable a master to call forth
the dead from their graves,
to bend their wills to
his and serve him always
in this world and the next.
And this island meets the
unique stipulations required
for a summation.
A consummate evil was committed here,
a curse lies upon it and there
are fresh cadavers available
and waiting for us.
And it's nearly midnight,
so I suggest we go and exhume our corpse.
(animals hooting)
(ominous music)
- Hey, Alan, how many
years do they give you
for grave robbing?
- They hang you.
- Suspended sentence, ay?
(Jeff giggles)
- Oh, my God,
is nothing sacred?
- Ding dong, Avon calling.
(Jeff giggles)
- I suppose Jeff and I
are the burial detail?
- Val can help you.
(ominous music)
Let's see, "Orville Dunworth, 1929-1971."
Oh, he ought a be ripe.
Okay, this is the one.
- So, this is the lucky stiff, huh?
(Jeff laughing)
- Oh, shut up.
Okay, troops, dig in.
Where's Anya?
- She's back by the crypt.
(sand crunching)
- Excellent.
Well, let's see if anybody's home.
Open up.
- Hope he doesn't mind
us dropping in like this.
(Alan giggles)
(hinges creaking)
Jesus Christ, is that for real?
- God, I don't believe it.
- Ugh!
- Looks like Dracula.
- Decomposition does
strange things to people.
Haul him up, Jeff, let's
take a closer look.
- You want me to touch that thing?
- He won't bite you.
- Oh, I wouldn't bet on it.
- Just lift him up to the rim, Jeff.
Paul and I will haul him out.
(zombie roars)
(Jeff screaming)
(women screaming)
(zombie roars)
(Jeff mumbles)
(Roy speaking indistinctly)
(Alan giggling)
- Roy?
- Certainly, you crazy bitch.
- You bastards!
- Listen, Alan.
This crazy man bloodied my nose.
(Alan giggling)
(Emerson screaming)
(Alan giggling)
- Paul, listen, it isn't funny,
we were on the verge of
a genuine tragedy here.
(Alan giggling)
- I peed my pants.
I peed my pants.
(Alan giggling)
- Listen, my nose is bleeding.
That's blood from my body.
- Listen, Alan, you didn't
say there'd be a madman
with an ax.
Jesus Christ, I could've
been seriously hurt.
- You mean this was a gag?
- No, no, Paul, these are two real ghouls.
They just, they just had a
change of heart, that's all.
- Yeah, we're trying to go straight.
(Emerson giggles)
(Alan giggling)
- I ought a use this on you, man.
(Alan giggling)
- I peed my pants.
Huh, yeah, I peed my pants.
- Medic!
- Oh, good heavens.
Mayhem, carnage, ugh,
this is really the limit.
I mean fun's fun, but really!
Hush, darling, I'm putting
you in for a Purple Heart.
(Alan giggling)
- Is that Emerson?
(Alan giggling)
Oh, my God!
- You've got a weird sense of humor.
(Alan giggling)
- Oh, come one, let's
give the devil his due.
Very good, Alan.
Get up, Jeff.
- I peed my pants.
- We all did.
That was really masterful.
How long did you take on this?
- Emerson, Roy and I came out
here yesterday and set it up.
- Bravo, come on Emer,
let me see your makeup.
(Val giggles)
Magnificent.
How long did it take you?
- Oh, I worked on it
for about three hours.
- Mine took four hours,
of course, I was the lead.
- 'Cause you're stupid enough
to let yourself be buried
in a filthy hole.
- How long were you in there?
- About an hour.
You can last several hours.
Let's see your battle wound, Roy.
- And of course the mad, cultist killer
who was stalking us was Emerson.
- I cannot tell a lie, it
was I and my trusty fangs.
(both giggling)
- Only a truly sick mind could
have conceived such a plot.
- Thank you.
- And you, you little devils,
you gave the best performance
of your entire careers.
- I peed in my pants.
- Will you quit giving us a play-by-play
of your flabby bladder?
(men giggling)
- My God, you should
have seen the creature
we took out of that hole.
- I nearly fainted, he's really dead.
- He was probably a dishwasher.
That's a far cry from robber
barons and rape and demons.
There are a bunch of plumbers
and panhandlers buried out here.
Pretty punk stuff to tempt Satan with.
- Not quite so.
I'm sure there are quite a few murderers
and other assorted types
that will please the master.
Emerson, what time is it?
- It's five of 12.
- Ah, the witching hour.
We have to hurry, he won't wait.
What did you do with
what's his name, Orville?
- He's over behind that tomb.
- Wait a minute.
The joke's over.
Terry's scared as hell,
I'm taking her out of here.
- Have a good swim and don't
forget to drop your script off
at the theater when you get back.
- It's okay, Paul.
It scared me, that's
all, I'm all right now.
- Look, this has gone far enough, man.
- Look, it's my job too,
I don't wanna be fired.
- You sure?
- Oh, why don't you stop?
If made her crawl in that
coffin and spend the night
with Orville, you wouldn't
lift a finger to help
if you thought it would cost you your job.
And you know why?
Because you're headed for the top,
the new Brando, actor, stud, bon vivant.
All man-bull.
You know what you are?
You're a slab of meat I
hired to dress my stage.
And I like my sides of beef
to hang quietly in the corner
until I need them.
So why don't you just shut up!
- Oh, I hate it when
you get so sentimental
and mushy like that.
Of course they'll stay.
They wouldn't miss a chance
to see you square off
with the devil.
Or maybe eat a little crow,
when your performance gets a big yawn.
- If we judge by past performance,
I don't think I'll bore anybody.
- You can't live old reviews.
This is a new play.
Let's get it on.
What do you say, children?
Would you like to see the maestro perform?
Do you think we can take it?
- I'm not too worried.
- Jeffrey?
- I don't care, give 'em hell.
Anybody got a dry Pamper?
(men giggle)
- Gentlemen?
- As long as we don't have to dig 'em up.
- All right, it's time.
Go and drag Orville over here.
- Anya?
Where's Anya?
- She's abiding.
- Anya, what are you doing now?
- I'm gazing at the scroll of immortality.
- Well, when you come
to the end of a chapter,
will you please crawl up out of that hole
and get the book and the makings.
- It's really much nicer in here.
- Great, we'll make it for a
weekend sometime, all right?
Come on now, it almost midnight.
-Is it?
(Anya groans)
- Good, good, he's magnificent.
Look at him, Anya.
- I wonder what he's thinking.
- Jeff, get the candles.
Lift Orville up here.
Let's see.
We'll prop him up against the crucifix.
Bend his arms over the lateral.
- My God, he's stiff as plaster.
(Alan giggles)
- Perfect.
(owl hooting)
(ominous music)
Anya, the envelope.
"And what's in the envelope?
They all asked, breathlessly.
What's in the envelope, Alan?
Blood.
The dried blood of an unborn infant,
as called for in the book of spells.
(Alan giggles)
Now, don't worry, no murder was committed,
it's just that every summation demands
a sovereign ingredient to a sacrifice.
This is ours.
Help me up.
Now we begin.
Jeff, Paul, Emerson and Roy, grab shovels.
I want you to follow behind me,
break the earth over the graves.
Thus.
I will go after and anoint
them as prescribed, go.
(Jeff whistling)
- And after we do all of this,
the dead are going to rise
from their graves, right?
- Thus spaketh the master.
(Jeff whistling)
- Hmm, an oldie but a goodie.
- Silence!
(owl hooting)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- Poor Anya.
Any second now, I expect
to see her float off.
(ominous music)
- Summon the dead, bullshit.
Jesus Christ!
- What is it?
- Look.
- Hold this.
(Alan giggles)
God, it's beautiful.
- It's hideous.
- The root broke it open.
This is a sign.
They will rise.
This is the sign.
- Bull.
The root undermined
the coffin, that's all.
- It's a sign.
Anya.
(ominous music)
Come.
(ominous music)
- What happened over there, Alan?
- Never mind.
Kneel around the grave.
Clasp your hands together in
the inverted prayer, like this.
Open your minds.
Remove all doubt, but be on your guard.
Let nothing take hold of you.
Let nothing enter your body.
From this time on, you must be silent.
"O great diviner,
master of the three worlds,
disciple who became master,
lord of the nether world,
lord of night,
prince of darkness,
despoiler of light,
diviner of powers,
redeemer of passion,
crucible of flesh.
By the blood incarnate,
by the flesh made proud,
by the soul devoured of itself,
by these words we do implore,
by these deeds we do supplicate
and call upon the grace of thee,
lord almighty of the underworld,
to release the souls of all thy servants
who lie here un-redeemed to release them
to serve thy servant,
bending their wills always
to his, thus to thine own.
By the blood of babes unborn,
by the inversion of the Savior,
by the bond of thine own hand,
we do entreat thee, deliver them up to us
to command in thy name, to
serve our will and thine own.
By Lucifer, Beelzebub,
Mephistopheles, Arkaneez
and all the under lords we do entreat,
let them rise, let them rise up.
Spiritus aquatani, salvete, let them rise.
Let them rise up, Satan, god of all."
(crickets chirping)
- They must be out to lunch.
(all giggle)
- Shut up, Jeffrey.
- Looks like a no-show.
- A fraud, a cheap, plastic fraud.
(Alan scoffs)
Satan, you phony.
You liar!
You sorry sot!
I paid my money and I
expect my merchandise.
You cretinous clown.
You don't have any power.
Petty panderer!
Cheap, chiseling con artist!
Two-bit, penny-ante potion peddler!
- You lose, Alan.
You lose.
Your summation is a bummer.
A silly little ghost story.
You should have stuck to the clown act.
It suits your talent.
And your vilification of
Satan is rice pudding,
soggy oatmeal, stale goods, Alan,
like all your creative efforts.
You're a clerk, Alan, a bookkeeper.
You'd better accept that.
And you know why?
Because it takes an artist
to deal with the devil,
not an insurance man with
delusions of grandeur.
Get out of the grave.
Get out of the grave, Alan.
Let an artist show you how
call a curse down on Satan.
Hail, satanic majesty!
Hail, mighty master of evil!
Tormentor of lost souls,
paragon of perfidy,
antichrist, vilest of the vile,
respected foe of Jehovah
and the archangel,
usurper, seducer, panderer supreme.
Hail!
(thunder rumbles)
So what's with this little
thing we're asking, huh?
A few rotting corpses to
serve our meager needs.
So what's the trouble, hmm?
You got the blood you were asking, right?
You got Orville, right?
You've got the warlock and his war chest.
Right?
Is that a bargain, I ask you?
A vizard, foist class!
So where's the goods?
(men chuckling)
Satan!
You tweaker of puppy-dog tails!
(thunder rumbling)
You bilious bag of bombast.
You paltry purveyor of potence.
You half-witted Helicon of horse manure.
Mighty master of evil!
Ha!
Your most terrifying
trick is growing warts
on old ladies' noses, scaring
scarecrows, snitching buttons,
ingrown toenails, corns and chickenpox.
(finger snaps)
That's your speed.
(all giggling)
- Very good, Valerie, very good.
Excellent.
(Jeff laughing)
- Bravo, not bad.
- It's a tie game!
(all giggling)
- Not quite, I've got
another ace in the hole.
Or, an ace out of the hole, I should say.
- Oh
- Mm-hmm.
It's party time, it's
the shank of the evening.
My friend, Orville, and
I are having cocktails
in 10 minutes at my island cottage.
Strictly informal.
- Wait a minute, you can't do that.
- Oh, but I can.
It's Orville's coming-out party.
He's been away for a long time.
Orville's in the underground, you know.
I'm sure he has many
interesting things to tell us.
- Alan, you're not really
gonna take that thing
back to the cottage.
- But it's his party.
I, I mean, it certainly would be rude
not to invite him to his own party.
- We should show some
respect for the dead.
- Why?
The dead are losers.
If anybody hasn't earned
respect, it's the dead.
- A man has a right to some
dignity, even when he's dead.
- Man?
Man is a machine that manufactures manure.
(Terry sighs)
- Anya?
- We'll put him back.
I think he'll like it.
We won't embarrass him, will we, Alan?
- Oh, not a bit, no.
I'd be mortified, I.
More than likely Orville
will shame us all.
- You always seem to be
holding the cards, Alan.
Let's see how many more
you have up your sleeve.
- Okay.
Jeff, you and Paul escort
Orville back to the cottage.
Carry him Roman style.
(thunder rumbling)
Roy, you and Emerson stay
here and fill in the graves.
And then bring the trunk back
to the cottage when you come.
- Why do we get all the physical stuff?
- Because you're such physical brutes.
Oh, and you'd better
bring the caretaker back
to the house with you.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- Wait 'til Gay Power hears about this.
(crickets chirping)
(body thuds)
(Alan giggling)
- It's customary to carry the
corpse over the threshold.
- Right!
- Looks like the honeymoon is over.
- Wrong, we're not even married yet.
Wait a minute now, let's see.
Stand him, him?
Her?
It?
Stand it up.
- You crushed his bouquet.
- Correction, it's bouquet.
- It does have a very definite bouquet.
- Careful, that's my bride-to-be
you're talking about.
- A perfect match.
- And you, a holy man.
Shame, shame.
Paul, you can be best man.
Or should I say best corpse?
- 10 to one it's a shotgun wedding.
- Let's see, family of
the groom on the right.
Family of the corpse on the left.
Val, if you don't mind.
(Jeff giggles)
All right, who's going
to give the bride away?
- I don't know but you better hurry.
- Music.
(Anya humming)
Begin.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join together this man
and this body in holy, well, not so holy,
but it's okay, wedlock, more or less.
All right, please repeat after me.
I, Alan, take this body.
- I, Alan, take this body.
- Yeah, welcome to it,
you deserve everything you're getting.
(all laughing)
To love, honor and cherish,
in sickness and in health,
for richer or for poorer,
'til death do you part.
And you'd better hurry, believe you me.
(Jeff giggles)
And, Orville, do you go
along with all of this?
Well, then by the power invested
in me by Reddy Kilowatt,
I now pronounce you man
and, well, whatever he is.
(Jeff giggles)
(ominous music)
(sand crunching)
- Paul, see if you can put
some life into the party.
- Which party are you referring to?
- Down, Jeff.
Okay, Big P, let's get
this show on the road.
What's the matter, big fella?
Cat-daver got your tongue?
(men giggling)
What a bunch of stiffs, eh, Orv?
(Jeff chuckles)
That's all right, keep a stiff upper lip.
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
Keep a stiff upper lip!
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
Orville's my straight man.
(Jeff and Alan laughing)
All right, pretty boy, you do it.
- I can't think of anything funny to say.
- That's because it's not funny.
It's disgusting.
- Disgusting?
Do I disgust you,
Miss Seducible Brownie?
Why, this is just good, clean fun.
Sure, check it out in
your Girl Scout Manual
under things to do in the cemetery.
- Now, wait a minute.
- Sit down, meat.
You know, I don't think that Orville
likes being called disgusting.
I know that I don't like
being called disgusting.
Perhaps you shouldn't be working
for someone so disgusting!
Hmm?
Maybe I ought to just release
you from your contract
under the disgusting clause.
And, and also from my
disgusting claws, hmm?
(Alan giggles)
Well, guess we'll have to dig
up a new ingenue, eh, Orville?
Got anyone you'd like to recommend?
- No.
- It's an immediate opening.
- I didn't mean to start anything.
- You didn't mean to start anything?
Why did you, then?
- I was upset.
- Well, now Orville's upset.
I don't know.
I'll see if he'll forgive you.
What do you think, Orville?
Wanna listen to what she's got to say?
Hmm?
What's that?
Very righteous of you.
He will hear you.
(thunder rumbles)
- I would apologize to you, Orville but.
- Uh-uh, he speaks.
How magnanimous.
He says you may sit.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
- With a sense of humor like yours, you.
(Alan tuts)
- Please, do not flatter him.
That is so insulting.
Anya?
Care to join in?
- Shouldn't treat him like this.
Look at how beautiful he
is, Alan, and how sad.
We shouldn't hurt him or make fun of him.
He won't like us if we do.
He'll be angry with us.
We should respect his beauty.
There is great beauty in death.
It shouldn't be defiled.
- No, Anya, that won't do.
That won't do at all.
He wants to see more feeling.
Real feeling.
- I'm new to the company, so naturally,
I wanted to make an impression.
- I, I don't think he believes you.
(thunder rumbles)
- It's true, I really
don't go for any of this
but I felt like I had to
because I wanted to be accepted.
- I, I don't think he believes any
of that phony crap.
(ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
Terry, I don't think he
thinks you have any talent.
I'm not sure that I think
you have any talent.
- I do though!
I do have talent when I have a good part
and when I'm really in character.
I do have talent, I do.
- A few tears, well, that's
a little more convincing.
(Alan snaps)
Next!
- Stop it!
- What did you say?
(crickets chirping)
- Listen.
Listen.
If we respect him, he'll respect us.
Look, he's trying to tell us.
You can see it in his face.
- It's clay, that's all.
Feel it.
It's like a primitive hut,
clay pieces stuck together
with splints of bone.
That's all you are, Orville, old buddy.
Clay, mud.
- Stop it.
Stop it!
- Orville's my friend.
I'll do what I want with him.
He's mine.
I'm gonna take you home with me Orville
and I'm gonna prop you
up in my living room.
And when friends come to call,
I'm going to say, "Here's
my good friend, Orville."
- Stop it!
- And when you finally fall apart,
I'm gonna take your scraps
and feed them to my dog.
How about that, Anya?
Am I showing enough respect for the dead?
- Stop it!
- And when he's nothing but bones,
I'm gonna take him all apart
and use him for book ends.
Or maybe a soup ladle, or a mobile.
Anything that comes to mind.
- Stop talking like that.
- Why?
I'm gonna get a big kick out of it.
And I'll tell you what I'll
do, I'll take all the bones
and I'll paint them
and use them for Christmas
decorations, hmm?
Deck the halls with bones of ivory
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
- You don't know what you are saying.
- I know what I'm saying all right.
Come on, Orville.
Time for bed.
- Let go of him!
We didn't know what we doing.
We'll make up for this.
I didn't understand before, but I do now!
Oh, God!
Please forgive us.
(thunder rumbles)
Please!
(Anya sobbing)
You will, won't you?
You will, you will?
Please.
Please, no!
No!
No!
(Anya screaming)
They won't!
They won't!
We have to get out of here!
(Anya sobbing)
Please!
- Get that thing out of here!
- No, don't touch it, don't touch it!
It's evil!
You're evil!
You!
You!
Oh, please, please!
Please.
(Anya sobbing)
(thunder rumbles)
- You've gone too far this time.
- I don't give a damn
what you think, get out!
(thunder rumbles)
- She feeling any better now?
- Oh, I wouldn't say she's
in the best of health.
- You feeling better?
- She seems calmer.
- Look, Jeff, I think we
ought to get out of here.
- Do you think we can move her?
- We've got to, she needs help.
- Okay, but I hope she
doesn't get hysterical again.
- We're all going to get
hysterical if we don't get out now.
And that's what we're going to do.
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous music)
- You're a great teacher,
Orville, and a wonderful friend.
And I think, in time,
we may get even closer.
- Hey, don't put the shovels up,
we have to bury Mr. Hyde over there.
- Listen, that thing smells.
- Listen, we're not asking
you to wear it, just bury it.
- God, you're disgusting.
(ominous music)
What are you gonna do with it?
- Just cover it with some dirt.
- Oh, look at that ring,
isn't it fantastic?
Oh.
Oh, they buried him
without his Right Guard.
(ominous music)
(zombie roaring)
(Roy screaming)
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(zombies growling)
(Roy groaning)
- Alan.
- Alan's gone, may I help you?
- You never give up, do you?
- I've only just begun.
- We're leaving.
- Oh, that's interesting.
How are you going?
- We're taking your boat.
- Huh, claiming the victory, eh?
- That's right.
- You going to, ah, finance
your victory celebration
with your unemployment checks?
- It won't work, Alan, this time you lose.
- Orville still loves me.
(ominous music)
- Is he coming?
- I didn't ask him.
(zombies snarling)
- My God, what's that?
(zombies snarling)
- Shh.
(zombies snarling)
- Jesus Christ!
- Wait.
Roy.
Oh, God.
- They're coming!
They're coming!
(zombies growling)
- We didn't hurt him!
We didn't hurt him!
(zombies snarling)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- Paul, get me a board,
something to cover this with.
(zombie snarling)
(door thudding)
Get me a hammer and nails.
Come on, hurry!
(door thudding)
(hammer thudding)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- What is it?
- Shh!
- That thing, I swear to
God, it's from the graveyard,
that thing.
- That's ridiculous.
- It is, I swear it is.
- Jesus, it is.
It is, oh, God.
- Wait a minute.
Alan.
Is this a joke?
(door thudding)
(Alan panting)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
- Alan, the chair.
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
The door, Alan, the one by the front door.
(zombies roaring)
(zombies growling)
(Val groans)
Help, Jeff!
Hurry!
Hurry!
(Val groaning)
Hurry!
Now, Paul.
- Val, get a hammer.
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
Paul.
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
(hammer thudding)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
- What about that room?
- The windows are boarded
but you'd better check, yeah.
(zombies growling)
- They've stopped.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
- God, this is impossible.
- Let me see.
- They're just standing there.
- They can't get in back there.
- Good.
- Oh, my God, look at those things.
- Come on, let's check the back.
- What's happened?
- I don't know.
- It can't be.
Give me the flashlight, quick!
(zombies growling)
They're everywhere.
- What is this?
Why are they after us?
- Man, I don't care why,
they're trying to kill us.
- Now wait a minute.
Well, we don't know that.
Let's just, let's just use our heads.
Maybe they just wanna frighten us off.
- What the hell are you talking about?
For Christ's sake, man, look at Roy.
- Roy.
Roy.
(zombies shrieking)
- He's dead.
- Dead?
Oh, God.
(Terry sobbing)
Oh, my God.
- They must have gotten Emerson too.
- What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
(wood thudding)
(zombies growling)
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
What are we gonna do about this?
One of them tried to get in here.
- Well, we'll lock the door.
Come on, we've got to
check the other bedroom.
(door thuds)
- It's okay.
(door clicks)
(zombies growling)
- Look.
- They're gonna kill us.
(zombies growling)
- They can't get up here, it's too high.
(zombies growling)
- What are we gonna do?
- I think it's fairly obvious,
somebody's got to get to
the boat and bring help.
Look, we're trapped in here.
If they found a way to
get up to the bedroom,
it won't be a long time
before they're in here.
- But what about the gun?
- Look, we left it in the
trunk back at the graveyard.
- Yeah, well they seem pretty slow.
Why don't we try and run for it.
- There are too many of
them and we don't know
how many more of them
are outside the light.
- Look, if you could get
them out front somehow,
I could slip out the back.
- No, Paul, please.
- It's probably the only way.
You think you can get by them?
- You're gonna have to go
out the door and fight them
until they all get out front.
- It should work.
(Paul scoffs)
- Right.
(Paul sighs)
Let's do it.
- All right, Paul, let's clear the door.
(door rattles)
(zombies snarling)
We'll distract them as best we can.
Good luck.
(zombies growling)
Ready?
Now.
(zombies roaring)
- Look out!
(zombies roaring)
(door creaks)
(zombies roaring)
(Paul sobbing)
(ominous music)
- Oh, my God.
- Paul?
Paul?
(Terry gasping)
(Terry screaming)
(zombies growling)
- No!
No!
- No!
(Terry screaming)
(zombies growling)
- This can't happen.
- It is happening!
Don't sit there whining,
you sickening pervert.
It is happening, you did it, you did it!
You've got to get us out of this.
You've got to get us out of this.
- Stop it, stop it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Now, listen to me.
There's got to be a way out.
Maybe Alan can get us out of here.
This book.
Isn't there a way of sending them back?
A counter spell.
- Counterspell.
A recitation for the dead,
recitation for the dead.
Wait a minute.
Okay, here it is, wait.
"A litany,
calling the counter spell."
Wait.
"Return the blood to fire."
Wait.
(Alan mumbles)
Return the blood to fire.
Burn the life from the undead.
- Something's happening, keep it up.
- "Return the ceremonial
corpse to the grave."
God, we can't do that.
- Read it!
- "Read the words as
they are written and of,
in the, and in the prescribed
manner for these things."
- Read it.
- "Prince of Darkness, brethren of hell,
masters of the fiery pit, hear
the prayers of thy servants,
we who have transgressed
against thy might."
- Something's happening, don't stop.
- "And grant us pardon, grant us leave,
release us from thy vengeance,
accept our vow that we
shall nevermore transgress
against thy awful might.
And ye of the grave whose
rest we have defiled,
ye sleepers in the eternal night,
obey the will of Lucifer, of Demogorgon,
of all the lords of hell.
If they should hear our
plea, and grant us pardon,
grant us leave, seek not our
deaths, seek not our souls,
obey the will of Lucifer,
obey the will of hell,
return and sleep and walk no more."
- It's working, it's working!
- "Return and sleep.
Return and sleep.
Return and sleep!"
- They're gone.
- Wait, listen.
(crickets chirping)
(fire crackling)
- All right.
We've gotta try it.
Don't take anything but a weapon.
We can't help him.
Let's go.
(crickets chirping)
(bird hooting)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous music)
(zombies roaring)
(Val shrieking)
(Val screaming)
Jeff!
Jeff!
(Jeff screaming)
Jeff!
(zombies growling)
(Val screaming)
(zombies growling)
(door rattling)
(ominous music)
(zombies growling)
(door thudding)
(zombies growling)
(ominous music)
(door rattling)
(ominous music)
(Alan screaming)
(ominous music)
(foreboding music)
(foreboding music continues)