Chillerama (2011) Movie Script
[spooky music]
[music intensifies]
[thunder]
[far away howling]
[suspenseful music,
thunder continues]
[playful music]
[shattering glass]
[howling]
[suspenseful chord]
[creaking]
[eerie music]
Here's to you, baby.
Ten years of misery.
Slinte
[spooky music]
You never did like
taking it on the face.
Well how's that now, huh?
Come to think of it,
l think it's high time
l cashed in
on all those years
you never tended to my needs.
Whine, whine, whine.
Me, me, me.
Well what about me?
[suspenseful chord]
Huh?
I'm thinking it's time
for a little bit
of dead head.
[wind howIing]
You won't mind. Much.
[zzipper and suspenseful chord]
Shit.
[crunch and wet meat]
Jesus and mother of God!
Fuck.
[muffled growling
and chuckling]
Let go of my meat!
[howling]
Let go of my meat!
[howling]
[panting]
[thunder]
[eerie music]
[thunder]
[intense suspenseful music]
No. No. No. No. No. No.
No! You bitch!
You bit off my bean bag!
[suspenseful chord
and sound of wet meat]
[cell phone ringing]
Fucker!
[shouting]
Yeah?
[funny mumbling
over phone]
Balls! He is?
[funny mumbling]
Yeah, l'll be there,
l'll be there, yeah.
Jesus wept! Yeah, fine!
[wind softly howling]
[animaI howIing]
[thunder]
l'm late for work.
[cheerful rock music]
[horn honking]
[sighing]
[rock music continues]
[tuning radio]
[woman's voice]
WiII you stop touching
that.
(man)
Honey, what is--
What was the station again?
l can never
remember the number.
(woman)
l don't know.
You're supposed
to know
'cause l can never
remember, so it's your
job to remember.
Well, remind me
why we're bringing
our baby
to an all-night
splatter fest again.
Are you serious? l
wish that l had parents
as cool as [indistinct]
He's gonna be
so prepared for life
in modern America,
after this
evening of films.
l know.
[snapping]
Yeah.
[cheerful rock music
over radio]
l love it
when the old man
pumps golden moldies
in the channel
after the all-nighters.
You know,
l'm totally puts
me in the mood.
Yeah, look
what happened the last
time Otis Redding was on.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh.
Do you want a brother?
(baby)
LittIe brother, daddy.
(Ryan)
AII right,
Tobe. Six degrees,
Kevin Bacon, BeIa Lugosi.
Hit it!
(Tobe)
Oh, no.
Oh man, this
should be cake
and ice cream for you.
(man 2)
Oh, come on.
Forget it, I-- I--
l guess this
encyclopedia
is human after all.
So what
movie is everyone
freaking out about?
'Cause l'm going
into the [indistinct]
Well, l haven't
seen any of them.
Apparently, Mr. K.,
has the only prints
of these things
in existence.
lt's like ultra rare
Holy Grail shit.
Right, Tobes?
Yeah, this being
the last hurrah and all
is the best time as ever
to unleash the terror,
the blood,
the boobs!
More blood!
More boobs!
Hurray for boobs.
What was it like
working here,
l mean,
Hog heaven, right?
No, nerdgasm.
l saw the movie
Hungry Hungry Hippos
l see
no nutritional value
in that whatsoever.
Hey, you asked!
And besides,
it gave
you an excuse
to almost talk
to a certain
concession employee.
Wait. Almost?
So you
haven't even like--
No. Okay?
We haven't even.
We're taking it slow.
Mm-hm. And by "slow"
he means turn the other
way and walk fast.
So you haven't
even talked to her?
lt's like this.
A girl like Desi
is never gonna
go out with me
so l figure, why not
hold on to the hope
instead of suffer
the disappointment?
You should
at least talk to her
before you go
back to school.
At least
then you could
make a piece.
Yeah, look who's
talking potsy!
Well, what the fuck
does that mean?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah, nothing, just--
Look, Kevin Bacon
and Elvis Presley.
(Tobe)
Let's do it.
[chuckIing]
[woman chuckIing]
[swoosh]
Admit two.
There you go, kids.
Just pull up
to the front row spot
and tune your tunes
to 1 06. 1 and enjoy.
[chuckling]
lt's gonna be
a hell of a night!
[chuckling]
(man)
Yeah, thanks.
[rolls up window]
"lt's gonna be a hell
of a night!" Fuck you,
get real.
l'm so glad to see this
fucking dump decimated.
Jesus, man.
Lighten up.
Oh, l'll lighten
up tomorrow
when the bulldozzers
gas up.
So remind me
why we're here
instead of Schneideman's.
Because l pulled
the short straw
and got stuck
with baby sitting duty.
fine Blumps location.
[horn honking]
Until then, l
gotta keep an eye
on the old man
make sure he doesn't
pull any shenanigans.
Well, Mr. Sourpuss.
Excuse me,
that's Junior VP
at Marketing Sourpuss.
Okay, Mr. VP Poopy Pants,
l promise to make
tonight worth your while.
(man)
Oh.
(announcer)
Show starts in five minutes.
[rattling]
[cheerful music]
l don't know, Orson.
Looks like last licks
for us oId bones.
l'm gonna miss all this.
This was my favorite part.
The preparation
and anticipation.
The threading,
spIicing the reeIs,
and always racing the clock.
Betty and l , we never
missed a single listing.
ln the gate
and don't be late.
You taught me that.
My rosebud.
Well, who needs
to be on time now
when you've got
demanding video
and high definition crap?
You can get anytime at home.
Who needs the old
night out under the stars
with some movie magic anymore?
That's what you
were all about. Right?
Magic tricks
and slight of hand.
Nobody cares
for magic anymore.
Nope.
[sighing]
The world gets smaller.
And soul mates fade away
Iike oId Kodak fiIm stock.
But nothing's gonna stop me
from sharing a bit
of that magic tonight!
Right?
[chuckling]
But, much like anything else--
[rattling]
[clears throat]
Now she's gone.
Now this pIace
is pretty much gone.
And like tomorrow,
I may be gone, too.
Fade to black. Right?
[chuckling]
Or maybe a smash cut!
[laughing]
[door bangs open]
Jumping Jesus!
Jehoshaphat Floyd.
Heart hopping Christ,
you're Iate, man.
Sorry, boss, l've been, uh,
l've been dealing with some--
[coughing]
Family matters.
Well, there's no need
for excuses now,
l'm already done
threading the first film.
Good God, man!
What have you been
sticking your dick into?
You look like hell
on a hand grenade.
l've been under the weather.
Look, why don't you
just go check in
with concessions,
see if Desi needs some help?
Sounds good. Okay.
And for Christ's sake, man,
clean yourself up!
[door shuts]
lt's show-time!
[chuckling]
[thunder
and screaming recording]
Well, hell, ell, ell,
ello, kiddies!
[chuckling]
lt's your old friend,
Uncle Cecil,
welcoming you to the final,
ghoulish night of murder
and mayhem!
[vicious Iaughter]
Yes, my ghouIs and gaIs,
it's time for Chillerama!
[vicious laughter]
[horns honking]
Sit back, poke a hole
in the bottom of your
pop-corn bag,
cuddle up
to the closest corpse
and prepare yourself
for this evening's
first squishy selection.
Wadzilla!
[vicious Iaughter]
[rooster]
[joyous cIassicaI music]
[eerie chord]
[mangIed chords
and wet meat]
[shriII eerie music]
[swoosh]
Excuse me, Dr. Weems.
Miles Munson's
lab work is ready.
Tell him l'll be right in.
[whispering]
Okay.
(Miles)
l never heard
of a sperm bank
turning anyone
down before.
You can imagine
my nervousness
when they suggested
l see a urologist.
lt isn't anything
serious, is it?
Life-threatening, no.
As a matter
of concern, yes.
Have a look
in there, Miles.
(Miles)
Wow! Look
at them aII go.
(doctor)
That is an exampIe
or normaI sperm.
And that
is your sperm.
[ominous music]
(Miles)
Yikes.
[suspenseful chord]
That doesn't look good.
Miles, there's
a new medication l'd
like to suggest you try.
lt's called
Spermupermine.
Now, it can't increase
the sperm you generate
but what it can do,
is strengthen the sperm
you already produce.
Spermupermine?
Yes. lt hasn't been
approved by the FDA yet,
but it is available
to test subjects.
Luckily for you,
l'm on the research board.
[chuckIing]
Thank you, doctor.
[shouting]
(man over TV)
Good morning, kids!
lt's the Captain Fatso Show.
And l'm Captain Fatso!
[shouting]
Well, ahoy there,
Captain Fatso,
say, are those
gumdrops l smell?
(Fatso)
Look kids,
it's DudIey DingIeberry!
[kids shouting]
(Fatso)
I'm starving!
l haven't even had
breakfast yet!
(Fatso)
Let me teII you
about the new sponsor!
[shouting]
[suspenseful music]
[TV show continues]
[music stops]
(Fatso over TV)
Peanut Mush
is now enhanced
with new
fIavored chemicaIs.
Makes your
breakfast even more
scrump-diIIy-dumptious!
Sounds de-lish.
[shouting]
Morning, Miles.
Uh, morning, Larry.
Hey, you still
single, buddy?
Unfortunately.
My wife's
college roommate
just got divorced
and moved to town.
Perfect for you.
You should
take her to dinner
tomorrow night.
Absolutely not.
No way, no more
blind dates.
Not after last time.
Come on, she's perfect.
You should just do
this, okay?
She's cute.
She's not looking
for anything serious.
Just a little
companionship.
You know?
[train horn]
[playful music]
[jazzzzy music]
Oh.
Allow me.
[suspenseful chord]
Oh.
[grunting]
Miles, are you okay?
Come here.
l just had a horrible
shooting pain
in my balls.
You think you
sat on your balls
when you sat down?
l don't know.
Oh! You twisted the veins
in your testicles.
Classic vein twist.
Okay. Okay.
[panting]
l'm good.
l'm so--
(man)
Okay, onto the consolidation
of our acquisitions
of GeneraI TextiIe Industries
and MBT Plastics.
For a brief overview,
we'd like
to introduce
to you all
the newest member
of our department,
Andie Sumner.
[jazzzzy music]
Hello, gentlemen.
[jazzzzy music]
Oh!
[sighing]
l'm such a klutzz.
Oh.
[grunting]
Are you okay?
Someone, help him up.
No, l'm all right.
l'm all right.
l'm all right.
Ugh. l just need
a little bit of air.
l'm sorry. Excuse me
for one second.
[grunting]
l don't know
if it has anything to do
with the pills
that you gave me,
but every time l get
the least bit aroused
l get the most intense
shooting pain
[whispering]
through my testicles.
Tsk. Well, there's only
one way to find out.
[scream and suspenseful chord]
What in God's name--
[suspenseful music]
Miles? Are you
all right?
l think so.
Give me the sample, Miles,
so we can get it
under the microscope
right away.
l don't think you're
gonna need a microscope.
Oh!
[wet meat]
[panting]
My God.
What's wrong with me?
It's impossibIe,
but it wouId appear
that the Spermupermine
has had an adverse
effect on your system.
It's not onIy strengthening
your spermatozzoa
but it's causing it
to grow
to gargantuan proportions.
And traditionaIIy, when
a man experiences arousaI,
his testicles produce
more sperm.
But in your case, however,
when you get turned on,
the one sperm you do have
gets huge.
[wet meat]
[suspenseful music]
I'm gonna send
this to the National
Institute of HeaIth
in Washington
for analysis.
Discontinue use
of the medication immediately.
lf you feel your
sperm enIarging again
you get it out of your
system right away.
Get it out
of my system?
Jerk off! Fast!
[sighing]
[cheerful Latino music]
[knocking]
[soft music]
Hi.
You must be Miles.
[suspenseful chord]
l'm Louise.
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[grunting]
[suspenseful chord]
No.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Are you--
Are you okay?
May l use your bathroom
just for a minute, please?
Of course.
Come right in.
Right down the hall.
l'll just
be one second
and l'll be back.
Oh.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music continues]
[growIing]
Molly, just what
kind of a nut did you
and Larry set me up with?
Hon, Louise says
that Miles showed
up at her door,
grabbed his
crotch and started
screaming. Wha--
He's-- He's
in the bathroom now,
he's making weird--
l can hear him.
(Larry)
Louise, Miles twisted a vein
in one of his testicIes.
Yeah, it hurts him sometimes.
He feeIs bad about it.
Don't make a fuss
over it.
He's a good guy.
Okay. That is enough
out of you.
l'm so sorry.
No, it's gonna
be okay.
He's just a brute.
That guy is such
an asshole.
[gasping]
l can hear him.
The poor guy--
Now l just
feel sorry for him.
[intense suspenseful music]
[shouting]
[loud thud]
[wet meat]
[grunting]
[suspenseful chord]
[clink]
She hung up.
[ominous music]
[thumping and wet meat]
[thumps and crashing]
[glass shattering]
[knocking]
Miles?
[thumping]
Are you all right in there?
[grunting, crashing]
[wet meat]
Ugh!
[flushing]
[sighing]
That was a close one.
[ominous music]
Oh, no!
[Louise, knocking]
Miles.
I'm getting
very concerned.
lt sounds like something
broke in there.
You don't happen
to have a plunger,
do you?
Oh.
Just what in the hell
happened in here?
l'm on a new medication.
[spIashing]
Oh!
[growling]
Oh, my God!
[ominous music]
lt's getting bigger!
[growling]
Run!
[Louise, screaming]
No!
Run!
Ugh.
[growling and squealing]
[screaming]
Oh!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming and sound
of wet meat]
[growling]
[Louise, screaming]
[crash]
[growling]
[glass shattering]
[thump]
[gurgling]
Um.
l can explain that.
He's a nice guy,
don't get me
wrong, but--
"Nice" just don't
count in the bedroom
when you got
a baby gherkin
between your legs.
Come on, Stewie.
Make a poo poo
for momma,
Come on, be a good boy.
l'm not exaggerating.
The guy's hung like
Howdy Doody,
and that's being generous.
[ominous music]
[chuckling]
Of course l'm
gonna see him again.
Did you see his car?
lt's a Cadillac.
No, that sizze was more
than acceptable--
[eerie sound
and dog whining]
Stewie! Will you
please shut up?
l'm sorry. He flunked
obedience school.
The mongoloid.
[ominous music]
[wet meat]
[whining]
[monster growIing,
dog whining]
Why does it smell
like Ajax?
[Ioud growI]
Stewie! Ow! You almost
dislocated my--
Stewie?
[ominous chord]
l have to call you back, mom.
Stewie just escaped
from his leash again.
There you are.
[wet meat]
You furry fugitive, you.
You'd better get
your little butt
over here before--
[gasping]
[growling]
[wet meat sound]
[squirting sound]
[accordion music]
[Ioud thump]
[metaIIic cIanking]
[ominous chord]
[cIanking continues]
[shouting]
You almost gave me
a heart attack.
Me too!
What'd you get?
[chuckling]
[humming]
[chuckling]
A Milk Dud.
[laughing viciously]
So, what did you find?
Half a rotisserie
chicken.
[laughing]
You're gonna split that
with me, right?
Yeah. Maybe.
For a hand job.
[suspenseful music]
Don't be such
a prude, Babs.
lt's not like
you ain't done it
Sp-- Sperm!
Exactly!
[growling]
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[growling]
[crunch and splatter]
Bob!
[woman shouting]
[running footsteps]
[growling]
[shouting]
[cIanking and shouting]
[shouting, echoing]
l want to thank
you for being
so understanding.
You know, a lot
of girls would've
run for the hills
if the sperm of their
blind date shot up their
skirt like that.
So, thanks again.
l swear to God, l will
pay for any damages.
Oh, please,
things can be replaced.
Testicles can't.
Now that's for sure.
l'm just glad
you're-- Uh.
Louise? What's
the matter?
[panting]
Oh, my God.
Miles. That's
your sperm.
(TV presenter)
This just in.
The tadpoIe-Iike creature
is running rampant
as it heads downtown.
Five are dead aIready
and unconfirmed reports
claim the slimy beast
is now the sizze
of a house
and growing!
Military leaders
are described as "testy"
when asked how to defend
against this gargantuan goo.
The military
is doing its best
to determine
what it would take
to rub one out of this sizze.
What are we
gonna do?
We gotta get
the authorities.
Come on!
Citizzens are asked
to use whatever
protection they can
and avoid the creature's
immediate vicinity
which authorities
are calling,
"the wet spot".
[ominous music]
[growIing and eerie chords]
[thunder]
We're reporting live
from downtown Manhattan
at the epicenter
of the crisis zzone
with a sperm creature
which has now risen
to five stories high
and apparently still growing
has been wreaking havoc
on New York.
The Mayor is insisting
that all New Yorkers
remain in their homes
until further--
Oh, my God.
lt's coming.
[shouting]
[growling]
[splatter]
[growling]
(TV presenter)
The stupendous spermatozzoa
is ravaging through
CentraI Park.
Oh, the humanity!
[gunshots]
[crash and crunch]
[explosion]
The spermicide is having
absolutely no effect.
What does this
sperm want, doc?
What every sperm
wants, General.
To fertilizze an ovum!
There's not an ovum
on God's green earth
big enough
for that thing.
(Miles)
Wait! I just
figured it out.
The Statue
of Liberty.
lt's the only
conceivable female
large enough.
[ominous music]
[sweet eerie music]
[growling softly]
[ominous music]
[choppers]
Steady. Steady.
[growling]
[ripping]
Ah! Dammit.
Oh, my God!
Don't panic,
there's gotta
be another one here.
(General)
No time. Look!
[growling]
[ominous music]
[growling]
[squealing]
[growling]
Attention!
This is General Bukkake.
lnitiate Operation
Moneyshot. Three.
Two!
One!
[whistling]
[explosion]
[joyous cIassicaI music]
(Miles)
Ah.
[Ugh.
[chuckling]
Some first date, huh?
[chuckling]
You can say that again.
Well, at least
it's good for the skin.
Yeah.
[triumphant music]
What?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
[triumphant music continues]
Miles!
[music stops]
All right.
Fuck it.
[triumphant music]
Hm.
[ominous music]
[grunting]
[spooky music]
Oh, yeah.
Classic cinema.
Wow.
lf you liked
Remains of the Day
then you'll cream
over Wadzilla.
You know?
Not enough tits.
Wow. Ryan.
Be your brother much?
Mayna, don't insult me.
(Tobe)
Okay, substance run.
I am so thirsty.
Oh, no. Sit tight.
Sit tight. l'll go.
l got this.
l got this one.
What?
[background radio]
Nothing.
l just wanna make sure
my friends are well fueled.
(both)
Hm. Sure.
What do you want?
Get me some red vines.
No popcorn.
No corn?
Nope. No popcorn
for me, but,
a Coke would be
delightful, Romeo.
AII right.
Red Vines. Check.
Coke. Check.
Fuck off. Check.
Back before flick two.
You kids, be good now.
Oh. Uh. MilkDuds.
GremIins.
Yeah!
So--
[sighing]
[clears throat]
Uh--
Robert England
to Kane Hodder. Go.
God, l love you.
What?
Uh, nothing, nothing.
Uh, well, that's easy--
(announcer)
Stop the show.
[bIowing whistIe]
Here's news
you want to know.
We just got a shipment of--
(Miller)
Dude!
Hey, you get
me snackage?
Thank you.
Oh, l am?
Come on, cum bubble.
l'm busy.
Hi, Ryan.
Hi, Laura.
You gonna go
talk to Desi?
Why does everyone
know about this?
Popcorn. Extra
butter. AndaIe.
How about some
money, prick?
Put it
on my tab, douche.
[rolling up window]
Asshole.
l think your
brother's cute.
l think my brother's
a fagot.
[cheerful music]
Enjoy the show.
Hi, Des.
Hey, Daddy-O.
What's your tale
nightingale?
Nothing much.
Pretty crazzy outside, huh?
lt's never been
this jammin'.
lt's totally Antsville.
Man.
[chuckling nervously]
Hey, you look
so boss.
You like it?
l thought
it'd be appropriate,
last night and all.
Sure.
What can l do
for ya?
Uh, l need
a Twizzzzlers,
a Coke and a popcorn,
with extra extra
arsenic, please.
That last order
is for big brother?
How could you tell?
Lucky guess. Let me
get that for ya.
Sure.
Snickers! Hey,
l'm sorry.
We're all out of butter
but l can go get some
real quick.
Nah, it's not a problem,
l don't
wanna hold the line.
(Desi)
Nah, nah, it's okay.
l'll be back in a jiff.
Just hold on, okay?
[moaning and coughing]
[grunting]
[groaning in pain]
[suspenseful music]
[sighing]
[door opening]
Golly.
[suspenseful music]
Beach, blanket,
bingo!
Hm. lt's open.
[indistinct]
[door cIosing]
[gurgling]
So how's the car?
l saw you on King
last week, pretty cherry.
You liked it?
l got it right outside
if you wanna take a look.
Nifty. Really?
You know. Maybe before
l hit back upstate,
l'd like to take you
for a drive.
Gee whizz. Um, yeah,
but only if you come.
[chuckling]
Hey, now.
[Mr. K. over radio]
Well, kiddies.
Ready for another rush
rock and shock and roII?
[Iaughing viciousIy]
Shit. To be continued.
Absolutely, big tickler.
Come back after this one?
That's a promise, Suzzy Q.
Ryan?
Yeah.
That's ten dollars.
Ah! Right. Right.
Come back, okay?
Swearzzies. Hope to die.
Later gator.
After a while, crocodile.
Nice.
(Mr. K.)
This next class
of cinematic sin
stems from the outer reaches
of Planet Taboo.
So buckle up
your seat beIts--
(Ryan)
Hey!
HeIIo?
[thump]
Dude, fuck-head,
my door!
There's your fucking popcorn.
Thanks, Ryan!
Penis.
About to unleash
the fantastic furry fury
ofl Was a Teenage Werebear.
[barking and howIing]
[howling]
[maIe voice on radio]
Mark the Shark
rocking down the PCH
with NBH.
Yeah, baby,
Bobby Vinton.
[woman moaning wiIdIy]
[soft pop music]
[woman Iaughing wiIdIy]
Peggy Lou,
if you keep groping
like an octopus
l'm gonna have to
tell you [indistinct]
Now l'm
gonna make you
love me like Elvis.
Geezz, me just met
last week
ain't you ever heard
of taking it slow?
Slow is
for old-fashioned girls,
not a modern woman
like me, now get over here.
Are all the girls
in Malibu like you?
Ricky, don't you
like boobies?
(kid)
Hey, Ricky!
President Kennedy
says we're going
to the moon!
[chuckIing]
[indistinct]
l see you finally found
your pot of gold, son.
Hi, Mr. O'Reilly.
Hi, Jimmy.
(father)
Top 'o the mornin' to ya Ias.
I bIess you chiId,
for finally putting
lrish whiskey
[indistinct]
Cut it, dad.
Nothing happened.
Rickie's mother,
God rest her soul,
never was much
for lrish whiskey,
if you know what l mean.
Oh, you poor
old thing.
lt's been a long,
lonely life.
Everybody, shut up!
What are you two
even doing here, anyway?
You forgot your lunch
for school on the beach
day, dumdum.
[playful chord]
Oh, you're
tearing me apart!
[funny car horn]
[sighing]
l swear, l'll
never be like
my old man.
He's such a perv.
Oh, Rickie,
he isn't all that bad
he just wants
what's best for his son.
I just don't wanna be
another washed up jock
slash war vet like him.
There's more to life.
No, there's more
to me than,
bouncing baIIs
[indistinct]
More to life
than us?
[silly chuckle]
Ricky Patrick
O'Reilly, you're
doing it again.
Doing what?
You're looking away.
ls it something l do
lt it something l say,
Every time l'm with you
l see you looking away
They say the eyes are
The souI, doorway straight
To your heart
lf you won't
Ever stay close
lt's like
l just cut a fart
Don't look away, baby
Please, don't look away
Stare me straight
ln the eyes
With our hands
Between my thighs
So please don't look away
Baby give me some time
So l can make up my mind
Just know
That it isn't you
These feelings
Make me so blue
l'm trying
Real hard to find
The one
That makes me feel right
Till then l guess
That it's you
That's just the best
l can do
So l look away, baby
l guess l'll look away
l can't take our eyes
For you might see
The lies
So l will look away
Don't look away
l think
l'll look away
Please
Don't look away
l guess l'll look away
Stare me straight
ln the eye
l can't take your eyes
Place your hands
Between my thighs
For you might see
The lies
Don't look away
(Ricky)
l think l'll look away
Tear me up inside
You make me
Wanna go hide
(Ricky)
l think l'll look away
[tires screeching]
[engine roaring]
[screaming]
[loud crash]
You saved me.
Quite observant.
Whoa. You dented
my Bronco.
(Ricky)
You dented her.
l got a boo boo.
[laughing]
l see the new
kid's making nice
with the other team.
What team
would that
be, Butch?
The team
no God-fearing
red-blooded American
would be caught
dead playing for.
l toss balls
with the boys.
[scoffing]
ExactIy.
[aII Iaughing]
[kissing]
(Ricky)
Look, Butch.
She needs help.
The kind of help
that bird needs
ain't gonna come
from a Melvin like you.
(all)
Ooooh.
See ya in class,
bitch sticks.
(all chuckling)
She don't
look so good.
(Talon)
l've seen worse.
[chuckling]
l don't know
how to thank you.
You'll think
of something. They
always think of something.
Wait. What's your names?
Talon. Dan. Den.
l'm--
Ricky. We know.
[foreign accent]
You did good
bringing her to me.
With a little snoozze
she'll be A-okay.
[background ocean]
Shouldn't we bring
her to the hospital?
You got a pee pee
Stick it in my poo poo
Make it go boom!
The brains, they spill
a little bit crazzy.
She fine.
[eerie, echoing maIe voice]
Ricky. Ricky.
[echoing]
Go away,
you nasty beasty!
Take your filthy
vermin with you.
Shoo! Shoo!
[triumphant romantic music]
(Nurse Maleva)
Shoo!
Shoo!
Take your foul
animuIes with you.
Shoo. Shoo.
You stay away
from those kind.
Yeah, well those
kind saved me.
[cheerful music]
[whistIe bIowing]
[audience booing]
So Big Bad Butch
ain't so bad after all.
Aw, the heck
with that, coach!
Tinker Bell
didn't pin me.
l was distracted.
[giggling]
[chuckling]
All right. Who's next?
(Talon)
Me.
(coach)
Oh, so l see
Mr. Ducktale
finally decided to join us
in class this semester.
Couldn't get a note
from your quack?
Them two are sweet
on each other.
Take that
back, Butch!
(coach)
Yo! Yo! Save it
for the mat.
l don't mind if l do.
[hard rock music]
[both grunting and groaning]
Give in, Rick.
Give in to me.
Never!
You can run from me
but you can't run
from yourself.
Get off me now!
[horror music]
[growIing]
[shouting]
Yo, what did l tell
you about biting?
(Talon)
Sorry, coach,
l skipped breakfast.
(coach)
Skipped breakfast?
Wiseguy, huh? Okay,
three miIe run everybody
you can all thank
wiseguy over here.
Everybody let's go.
Come on. Get go.
Get going.
[thump]
l got a feeling
A feeling
That l'm gonna explode
Yes, l've got this feeling
How much longer
Must l hold my load?
Oh, what do l do?
Purge this urge
Oh, God, l really
Gotta purge this urge
lf nothing else
l've gotta purge
This urge
Ooh Ooh
Purge this urge
The time is coming
When l gotta choose
There's no more hiding
No more playing
By the boss man's rules
l've got to find
My own way
Purge this urge!
[music stops abruptIy]
ls there something
you wanna talk
about, kid?
[ beII ringing]
(Ricky)
My mother, before she died,
she said, "Ricky,
always be true to yourself".
And l try to be.
But l get these feelings.
Uh, these, urges.
And they feel true,
they feel so right.
But,
so wrong.
Ricky, it may come
as a surprise to you, kid.
Coach Tuffman gets
those kind of urges too.
You don't think l ,
[chuckling]
watch you guys
shower after class?
Soaping up your biceps,
your abs,
glutes.
Whoa. l think it's time
for me to bug out.
Ricky, sit down. Relax.
This is between
me and you, right?
I'm gonna do something
for you my wife will
never do for me.
That dusty old wench.
[chuckling]
Hey!
[coach, groaning]
[suspenseful music]
[both shouting]
Tastes like chicken,
huh, babe?
[sad music]
l don't know
what's happening to me.
lt's as if suddenly
l have this strength,
that, like--
Of a grizzzzly?
Listen. Don't
have a cow.
We got your back.
You did this.
lt was your bite!
My ass!
What? What are you?
The same as you.
(Butch)
Oooh.
Look who we've got here.
Clean up for coach
like good little boys?
More like
cleaning up coach.
[guys Iaughing]
Time to teach
the fairy brigade
a lesson.
[beII ringing]
Ugh.
(Butch)
My pops toId me
this is how you teach
Iessons to pansies
in prison.
Sounds like pops
knows how to party.
Leave him
alone, Butch!
Shut up,
Nancy boy!
You're next.
Gentlemen.
[aII chanting]
PIug him up!
PIug him up!
PIug him up!
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
This is for you, Jesus.
[grunting]
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
[chuckling]
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
Plug him up!
[loud growling
and horror chord]
[roaring]
[shrill scream]
You okay, dude?
[Butch, giggIing hystericaIIy]
Man, l was just playing.
lt was just a joke.
lt's a party, daddy Os!
[swoosh]
[screaming]
[intense rock music]
Ugh!
[slap]
[shouting]
[crying]
[shouting]
[playful music]
[intense rock music
and crying]
l never promised
l'd be gentle.
Now you know what we are.
And what you are!
(Ricky)
No. l'm not
like any of you.
Angsty little dude.
[shouting]
My darling.
lt's good for your head.
Call me, Sybill!
Nurse Maleva,
you've gotta help me.
Just calm down.
Tell me everything.
You were right.
Talon, the twins,
they're not
just different,
they're-- They're--
Werebears.
Werebears!
l'm sorry.
l don't understand.
Where l am from,
there is old saying
Even a boy
who thinks he's straight
yet shaves
his balls by night,
may become a Werebear
from the hormones
of age
and the Iatent urge
takes flight.
So you're saying--
Once bitten,
anytime you get aroused,
you become that
which bit you.
And you attack
those you lust after.
Lust after?
l think you know
what l'm talking about.
[playful ping]
Homo!
No. l am
not a homo!
l'm a, Werebear.
[ominous chord]
[cheerful rock music]
Looking for these?
[sighing]
l'm going to the police.
Well, don't forget
to tell them
what you did to good old
Coach Tuffman.
He was trying to molest me.
Ricky. Ricky. Ricky.
You can't molest
the willing.
[growling]
[light growl]
You're such
a cub, Ricky.
All show and no go.
Who's talking about
not being like everybody
else, you just wanna be you.
This is you.
No. You did this to me.
[thump]
You could ask yourself
a question, brother.
[panting]
Did the bite
put the beast in you?
Or let it out.
[snapping]
Love, Iove, Iove
Bit me on the ass
Love bit me on the ass
lt got me by surprise
Love bit me on the ass
Took teeth to realizze
That l'm just
A lonely boy
Yes, deep down l'm blue
But when l'm
unleash the beast
To myself l'm true
Love, Iove, Iove,
Bit me on the ass
Love bit me on the ass
Bit me deep down too
Love bit me on the ass
But no way am l like you
l may be quite different
But l am not a beast
l just want to cuddle
And you just wanna feast
Love, Iove, Iove,
Bit me on the ass
Love, Iove, Iove
[both, growling]
Meet me tonight
at the luau.
lt's gonna be a bloodbath.
What do you mean
[growling]
with "bloodbath"?
lt means that the guys
are gonna shake things
up at the school dance.
Payback time for those
small-minded haters.
[chuckling]
l can't be
part of that, Talon.
You can't be part of that.
This is not how you
gain acceptance.
[panting]
Well, then l guess
l'll see ya when
l'll see ya.
[soft pop music]
l saw you dancing
Barefoot in the sand
l can love you
Like no other can
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
[applause]
[audience booing]
You've all given us
such a warm welcome
this first week at school.
You definitely deserve
this next number, it's, uh,
It's pretty bear-tastic.
[rock music begins]
Well, we got a new dance
lt's the hit of the land
All you gotta do
is thrust when you stand
[indistinct]a squeal,
a grunt, and a squirt
Yeah, it's called the Warebear
And it just might hurt
Let's do the Werebear
And let
The Werebear do you
Let's do the Werebear
Right here in Malibu
(all)
Yeah!
Sweeping the nation
Just like civil rights
Werebear
lt's the latest sensation
For long long lonely nights
Werebear
l knew you would
come, son.
Four, three, two, thrust
l know now what
l must do, Maleva.
Three, thrust
l wanna do it again
Let's do the Werebear
And let
The Werebear do you
Let's do the Werebear
Right here in Malibu
Yeah!
One, two, three, thrust
[moaning]
One, two, three, thrust
One, two, three, thrust
[growling]
Do it again
[moaning]
One, two, three, thrust
Oh, it never has to end
One, two, three, thrust
One, two, three, thrust
[growling and shouting]
One, two, three,
Thrust, oh!
Everybody gather round
[audience gasping]
You better not let
This madness go down
They got good lines
They fuck real good
But they just want
To make you their food
Yeah!
[music stops]
[both growling]
Violence and hatred
is not the answer.
lf we are to be accepted
we must show love
and tolerance.
There are human beings
out there, Talon.
Not snacks.
[chuckling]
Nice speech, Gandhi.
But we're hungry!
[suspenseful music]
[shouting]
[ominous music]
[general screaming
and growling]
[suspenseful music continues]
(Talon)
l freed you
from a life of conformity.
l unleashed you
from the mundane.
[punches and screaming]
(Ricky)
You chained me to a life
of bloodloss!
[shouting]
[screaming]
[shouting]
Help me, Maleva!
(Maleva)
Yes, Ricky.
You know what to do.
[shouting
and suspenseful chord]
[both panting]
[sad music]
Maybe--
l should've been
more like you.
We can change
the world together.
You still can.
[panting]
Go get 'em, kid.
Make sure
you tell them
that l'm not a monster.
You know, Werebears
need love too.
[howling]
(Tobe)
Wow. Not enough gay.
(Ryan)
Yeah, l mean,
De Palma, ripping
this off for Carrey?
(Tobe)
Why are you surprised?
lt's De Palma.
What-- What l don't get,
is if they just shaved
their chests
wouldn't their curse
be lifted?
l mean,
that's what it took
to be a Werebear. Right?
Uh. Sure.
l feel like l would've
used something
less invasive.
You know, like,
instead of a dildo,
maybe a silver razzor.
[chuckling
and squeaking sound]
What was that?
That's what scientists
refer to as the one
cheek sneak.
Anyone want anything
from the concession stand?
l'm gonna go talk to Mr. K.
l'm good.
Nah, just bring Desi
back if you can.
Yeah, sure, l'll
be right back.
[clearing throat]
[farting]
[continues farting]
ls it hot in here
or is it just me?
lt's you.
How 'bout you sideburns,
want some of this milk
it may cool you off?
l'd rather
have a beer.
[chuckling]
Nice.
Okay. Saw you,
Mr. CockbIock.
[mumbling]
Hey, is there
any popcorn left?
Fresh out.
Want me
to get some more
before the next fIick?
Yeah. l'll
just be here
getting manhandled.
Really?
[baby gibberish]
Oh. l could just
eat you up.
lt's all over, darling
because l--
[door opening]
Hey, Mr. K.
How you holding up?
Jesus, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Boy, dammit.
Does anybody knock anymore?
l'm an old man here.
Mr. K.,
l'm sorry, sir, l--
Don't apoIogizze.
Put, put, put, put
your hands down, son.
Wow. Thanks
for the six heart attacks.
Do you have a minute
to talk. l , l need to.
Well, sure thing. But, uh, go
over to the projector first
and flip on my call, okay?
Yeah, you got it, Mr. K.
[screaming and thunder]
Welcome back,
boyls and ghouls.
Anybody not off
to eternal slumber yet?
[horns honking]
Tonight they
wiII bask in the gIory
of the unconventionaI.
spit in the eye of morality
and feast on the art
of the damned.
With a film
that will test your tastes
and rock the very fabric
of your senses!
[laughing]
[German accent]
And first, it's time
to bear witness
to the Bible of bad taste,
The Diary
of Anne Frankenstein!
[rattIing and spooky
piano music]
[1 930s music]
[speaking German]
[intense suspenseful music]
Sh.
[crash]
[shouting]
[suspenseful music stops]
[suspenseful music resumes]
[growling]
[playful music]
[chuckling]
[Anna, chuckling]
[mocking, laughing]
[all, laughing]
[gunshots]
[thunder]
[both soldiers]
Heil, Hitler!
[indistinct]
Scheisse.
[knocking]
[chuckling]
Boop!
[playful music]
[both, laughing]
Poofta.
(both)
HeiI, Hitler!
[suspenseful music]
[singing, sweet music]
[suspenseful music]
(Eva)
Oh, mein Gott.
[heavenIy music]
[growling]
[purring]
[growling]
Heil, Hitler!
Meshugannah.
Huh?
[growling softly]
[continues encouraging]
[growling]
[intense suspenseful music]
(both)
Nein!
[indistinct]
[sound of wet meat]
[screaming]
[groaning]
What the fuck?
[suspenseful music]
[gunshots]
[intense suspenseful music
and screaming continues]
[Eva and Hitler
alternate screaming]
[growling]
[both, sighing
in relief]
[all scream]
[sound of wet meat]
[growling]
Oh!
[ripping,
screaming]
[traditionaI Jewish music]
(male voice, on screen)
What is it?
[chorus singing]
More popcorn?
[on screen singing]
Two hot popcorns
Mix it up, wrap it up
Butter it up
[thump and moaning]
l got big plans
for you, baby.
Nice. Nice.
You like that, baby?
Hm. Yeah.
[moaning]
Loads of possibilities.
feet, Starbucks,
Food court, oh, I get hard
just thinking about it.
Yeah.
[crunching, moaning]
Hm. That's good. Hm.
Oh. So, so good.
Hm. Delicious.
Hey. Are you
enjoying my mouth
or the fucking popcorn?
Well, both, baby.
lt's kind of a big
fantasy for me.
Well, are you sure?
'Cause it seems you're
getting aII orgasmic
about your fucking snacks.
[stomach noises
and grunting]
Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, just, uh,
l feel hot.
Kinda hot.
Don't stop. Come on.
[stomach noises]
Okay. Tell me when you're
gonna pop. You know l
don't like the taste.
Yeah. Yeah. Ugh.
[groaning and gurgIing]
[suspenseful music]
What--
[growling]
[wet meat and cracking]
[wet meat
and growIing]
[background radio]
[horror chord]
More head.
[groaning]
[crunching, moaning]
[soft growling]
[loud thump]
What the fuck?
[chuckling]
l just washed
this car.
He's got
blue slushies!
Oh! l'm like freaking
out right now!
All right. What were
we talking about?
Tobe. l should probably go--
Talk to Tobe.
I think you
should talk to him.
That's my piece.
That's fine! Screw it!
Just tell me how
it begins.
Roger Wilco.
Red five. Standing by.
Hm. Nerdy one.
Yeah, and you
getting that line
makes you one
of the good ones.
[door cIosing]
Which makes me,
the final girl.
(Announcer)
And now, on with the show.
[thunder
and screaming recording]
Well, my Chilly Chillens,
l hope you're still
with us for the long
[indistinct]
[vicious laughing]
(Mr. K.)
For this popuIar abomination
you've all been waiting for.
The final sinful centerpiece,
of our last evening together.
Hey.
So, l need to get
something off my chest.
l-- l--
(Mr. K.
You are gonna see
some serious shit!
Whoa.
lt's just like
in the movies, huh?
l-- l--
l got nothing.
(Mr. K)
The most viIe and offensive
stock of ceIIuIoid.
Here is Deathication.
[Iaughing viciousIy]
[spooky music]
[door opening]
Oh, hello.
l didn't see you there.
Come in, won't you?
Would you mind, uh,
closing the door, please?
[cIosing door]
Thank you very much.
As l was saying, my name
is Fernando Phagabeefy.
lnternationally known
and respected film maker.
The visionary mastermind
behind notorious
cinematic works such as,
The Cunting Death,
Salo 2, The Next Day
and of course,
Rosemary's Picnic TabIe.
l here now to present to you
my latest and greatest
moving picture.
A film so scandalous,
so intense,
that it was banned
from every film festival
in fear of mass hysteria,
and destroyed seating.
The next 87 minutes
you're about to endure
a motion picture
l've directed called,
Deathication,
comes with a very
serious warning.
This film
was specifically produced
to elicit the effect
of pure terror on the audience
to a complete
and total sensory immersion
to the images on screen
using the latest
in cinematic technology.
The lights of which
we can have revealed here
in fear
of government confiscation.
The following visuals
printed on this very
film stock
are proven to cause a highly
visceral, biological response
in the human nervous system
in the most,
hm, nefarious of ways.
Oh, hello, doctor.
As you can
see from our
scientific results,
this photo realistic
rendering
of one,
the human body,
each and every frame
of Deathication
swiftly attacks
the viewer's
brainwaves,
rendering specific
motor functions helpless
to the depravity that unfolds
before your very eyes.
At any moment during
the course of this film,
viewers have been know
to suddenly and violently
release their bowels!
A collective explosion
of hot, moist madness.
ln other words,
what you're about to see
will make you shit.
A lot!
Buckets of excrement!
A river of ca ca wiII
rage through this theater's
as one buttery floor.
You'll crap your slacks
for days to come,
ruin many undergarments
become severely dehydrated,
brave scorn at any social
event or family gathering,
even suffer from a case
of inflamed anal tissue
similar,
to the effects of sodomy.
ln other other words,
this film
will rape you
with your own feces.
And that, my friends,
is a Fernando
Phagabeefy promise.
With this warning in mind,
by staying in this theatre,
you're releasing
any rights and liability
against the film makers
or the owner of this
fine establishment
for any cleaning bills,
shattered senses,
or exploded ovaries.
So, for the safety of you,
those around you
and the integrity
of your swimming trunks area,
please consider this
your final warning.
Those in the audience
who have a weak constitution
or a giant asshole,
should leave
this theatre immediately!
Unless you are truly prepared
to experience
the horrific effects
of, Deathication.
Because you can't scream
if you're full of shit.
[fart sound]
[disco music]
[fart]
[farting]
[grunting]
[farting]
[groaning]
[farting]
[grunting]
[fart]
[disco music continues]
[grunting]
What the hell--
[grunting over radio,
audio probIems]
What is that?
l don't know.
That's a first.
[disco music continues]
Do you think
Mr. K's all right?
(Tobe)
l don't know. l'm kind
of worried about him.
He seemed a bit a mess
about the whoIe thing,
and there was a gun.
What? A gun?
Look, l'll explain in a sec.
Come on, let's go
check him out.
[shouting]
[farting]
[shouting]
Cecil!
Oh, my God.
You kids,
get out of here!
What the hell, man?
Gun.
[growling]
[loud thump]
Dick, you're fired!
[gunshot]
[groaning]
Boss!
[loud thump]
What? You never saw Robocop?
What the cripes
was that, Mr. K?
l don't know.
He just attacked
me from behind.
Next thing l know,
he's trying to pull
my pants down.
l think
he was trying
to hide the baloney.
(Mayna)
What's that blue
stuff on him?
Wait, wait, wait. l saw
that on somebody's
shirt downstairs.
Wait! Did he bite you?
He's totally a zzombie.
No. He came close
but no cigar.
l'm fine.
And you?
Actually, l'm
kind of awesome,
all things considering.
(Mr. K.)
Well, let's check
the [indistinct]
Look out!
Tobe!
[loud thump]
[on screen audio problems]
Get him off me!
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
Tobe!
Shit! He's trying
to kiss me!
Fuck you, Floyd.
[gunshot]
Wow. Wow. Wow.
[gunshot]
[groaning]
Wolfman has nards!
Nice shooting, Tex.
How'd you know that
was the sweet spot?
(Mayna)
Come on, l'm a girl.
l know where guy's
heads are.
(Tobe)
Thanks.
That's two
you owe me, Junior.
God, l love you.
l know.
Will you two
clam it 'till
the credits?
What l wanna know
is what the sweet scent
of Satan's scrotus
is going on here.
[cheerful music
and screaming]
[wet meat and creaming]
[shouting]
What?
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
l'll just lie here.
lt all should
blow over.
Ah, fuck that!
l could leave!
l got the car,
l got the keys!
Ah, what about the guys?
Wait.
Ah, Des! Shit!
[softly growling]
[cheerful music
over radio continues]
[grunting]
[baby crying]
[wet meat sound]
[music stops]
[baby gibberish]
Yes! Okay.
Come on, Ryan.
This is my movie.
l'm the final girl.
Come on!
[background screaming
and growIing]
Okay.
One.
Two.
[background screaming]
[suspenseful music]
Two and a half.
Three!
[grunting]
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[shouting]
Jesus, Miller.
Penis brat!
You gotta be
fucking kidding!
[screaming]
Swearsies.
Now what?
We get back in the car
and get the fuck out.
[growling]
Plan A sucks.
Got any other ideas?
Follow me.
[suspenseful music continues]
Fuck you, fucking zzombies!
[shouting]
Okay.
l gotta think.
l gotta save the day.
What would, uh,
Simon Pegg do?
That's too
British.
Des, Des, we're gonna
get out of this.
We're gonna be oh--
[suspenseful music
and wet meat]
Des?
[gasping]
l want you, Ryan.
That is so awesome, but,
this is kind of a no time
for love Dr. Jones situation
here, so.
We'll be fine.
[moaning]
Come to me, Ryan.
But, but you're--
ln love?
No--
[moaning]
Be inside me forever, Ryan.
l , uh--
Fuck it!
[wet meat sound]
[groaning]
[spooky music]
Phone's dead.
(Mr. K.)
Phones out here too,
smart bastards.
What the hell
is going on?
When there's no
more room left in hell,
"The dead
shall fuck the earth."
Or something like that,
it's like,
with the final reel.
Final reel.
What?
No. l cannot die
here tonight.
You're not
gonna die tonight.
Here.
Here you go, kid.
Six rounds wiII
give you some courage.
(Mayna)
What about you?
Don't worry about me.
Now you came
by car tonight, right?
Yeah, hopefully
Ryan stayed in the car.
He's got the keys.
Get back to your car,
lock yourselves in
and drive fast.
What do we tell him?
That this in an undead orgy?
Tell them whatever!
Tell them to bring
the cops, the army,
the goddamn hazzmat suits.
Bring them all!
Now, you have
Got it.
(Mayna)
Aren't you coming?
Yeah. Yeah. l'll--
l'll catch up with ya.
Scoot you two.
Good luck.
And may the schwartzz
be with ya.
You too, Mr. K.
What was it
you said, Orson?
Nobody who takes on
anything big and tough
can afford to be modest.
[background shouting
and growIing]
[triumphant music]
Fuck modesty.
[suspenseful chord]
Fuck!
[soft growling]
Hey, there, big boy.
You Iike that?
ls this
what you want?
(Tobe)
Mayna, what the fuck?
[distorted voice]
Happy ending.
[panting]
[gunshot]
[keys clinking]
Feel important.
Wait! Smoke screen.
[groaning]
(Mayna)
Fuck me gently
with the chain saw.
[gunshot]
[grunting]
Let's go!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Where's the car?
Right there.
(Tobe)
Yeah. Right there.
[gunshots]
(Mayna)
Oh, shit.
[growling]
Fuck.
[gunshot]
(Tobe)
Watch out.
[Mayna]
Your mother sucks
cocks in hell.
[gunshot]
[shouting]
Tobe! Oh, my gosh!
[gunshot]
[panting]
Oh, fuck.
(Mayna)
Are you out?
(Tobe)
I've got one.
[suspenseful music
and waIIa]
l've got two.
Wait. No.
l've only
got one. Fuck.
Well, the best we could
do is use it on us.
Before we become zzombies.
l don't feel
like losing my virginity
with a goddamn zzombie.
Wait. You're a virgin?
Can we talk about this
later? Watch it.
[gunshot]
l waited for you.
[soft music]
Now put
the gun on my head
and pull the trigger.
The bullet should
take us both out.
What? ls that the best
idea you've got?
lt's the only thing
l can remember
from the movies
that makes any sense--
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
Get your undead dicks
out of my drive-in!
[gunshot and shouting]
Old turkey!
(Mr. K.)
This way, jerk offs!
Follow me!
(Mr. K.)
Amscra you two.
Get to the chopper. Go.
(Mayna)
Where are the keys?
l don't know.
You have them.
What? No, l gave them to you.
l gave them to you!
Check your pockets.
l got 'em!
Behind you!
[gunshot]
ln. ln. ln. Get in!
Open the door!
Unlock it.
Get in.
[closing door]
"Hasta Ia vista, baby ."
"Frankly, my dear,
l don't give a damn".
"Nobody puts Baby
in a corner."
[gunshot]
"Yippie ki yay motherfucker."
[gunshot]
"What we have here
is a failure to communicate".
[gunshot]
[gunshots and shouting]
"Goonies never say die!"
[triumphant music continues]
"l'm getting too old
for this shit".
(Mr. K.)
This way, perverts!
Follow the Pied Piper
and his sweet asshole!
[growIing]
Cinema is dead.
[thump]
[wet meat sound]
Oh!
"Say hello
to my little friend!"
[gunshot]
[indistinct]
a better contender!
"Rosebud, motherfucker"!
Oh, God.
l think that was
uncle Cecil's
curtain call.
Well, that's a way
to find out. Huh?
Keys to ignition. Go!
(Tobe)
Okay.
[engine cranks
but can't start]
No, no, no.
Come on. This isn't
supposed to happen.
We're supposed
to survive. Fuck.
This is it.
Wait! You still have the--
Fresh out.
[cocks gun]
Damn it!
What do we do now?
(Mayna)
Well, we can
just sit here
and wait
for them to turn us
into human sex toys.
Okay. Already not
digging doing
number one.
Or,
We spend
the last night
of our lives together
and give these fuckers
one hell of a show.
l have to admit
that's one hell
of a plan.
Let's do it. Wait.
[soft music]
Funny. Did you
ever think
this would be the moment
you became a man?
Actually, it was during
an alien invasion
but it really
doesn't matter
what the scenario.
Why's that?
Because l always knew
it would be with you.
You are so cool.
True romance.
Wait. Wait.
What? What?
Do you have a condom?
Really?
[chuckling]
l'm kidding.
[zzombies thumping
and groaning]
[suspenseful music
and gIass shattering]
[cheering]
Fantastic! Now
that's an ending.
Fuck Hollywood!
Really? Boring.
Boring?
Not enough tits.
Actually, it was
kinda bittersweet.
You know?
Like the ending of E.T.
Why does everything
gotta be E.T. with you?
Come on. Let's go.
E.T.'s gay.
How-- He's a plant.
He can't be gay.
He's a pla--
He's a plant.
Would you be gay
if you were a plant?
[IiveIy music]
[screaming]
[hard rock music]
lt is
a biological anomaly
the likes of which
the medical community
has never seen.
Miles' unique
body chemistry
clashed with the Plutoneide
and the Spermupermine
mutating his spermatozzoa
during spermatogenesis
in a way that no one
could've expected.
Spermatium are
by their very nature
a very determined
and resilient organism
genetically programmed
to overcome all obstacles
defy all odds
and hit the target.
or die trying.
Perhaps--
You can view
this disaster
as a kind
of cautionary tale
against the misuse
of a yet to be
fully understood
era in atomic energy.
God help us all.
[soft cheerful song]
[soft music]
[pop song]
Ba-bye.
[music intensifies]
[thunder]
[far away howling]
[suspenseful music,
thunder continues]
[playful music]
[shattering glass]
[howling]
[suspenseful chord]
[creaking]
[eerie music]
Here's to you, baby.
Ten years of misery.
Slinte
[spooky music]
You never did like
taking it on the face.
Well how's that now, huh?
Come to think of it,
l think it's high time
l cashed in
on all those years
you never tended to my needs.
Whine, whine, whine.
Me, me, me.
Well what about me?
[suspenseful chord]
Huh?
I'm thinking it's time
for a little bit
of dead head.
[wind howIing]
You won't mind. Much.
[zzipper and suspenseful chord]
Shit.
[crunch and wet meat]
Jesus and mother of God!
Fuck.
[muffled growling
and chuckling]
Let go of my meat!
[howling]
Let go of my meat!
[howling]
[panting]
[thunder]
[eerie music]
[thunder]
[intense suspenseful music]
No. No. No. No. No. No.
No! You bitch!
You bit off my bean bag!
[suspenseful chord
and sound of wet meat]
[cell phone ringing]
Fucker!
[shouting]
Yeah?
[funny mumbling
over phone]
Balls! He is?
[funny mumbling]
Yeah, l'll be there,
l'll be there, yeah.
Jesus wept! Yeah, fine!
[wind softly howling]
[animaI howIing]
[thunder]
l'm late for work.
[cheerful rock music]
[horn honking]
[sighing]
[rock music continues]
[tuning radio]
[woman's voice]
WiII you stop touching
that.
(man)
Honey, what is--
What was the station again?
l can never
remember the number.
(woman)
l don't know.
You're supposed
to know
'cause l can never
remember, so it's your
job to remember.
Well, remind me
why we're bringing
our baby
to an all-night
splatter fest again.
Are you serious? l
wish that l had parents
as cool as [indistinct]
He's gonna be
so prepared for life
in modern America,
after this
evening of films.
l know.
[snapping]
Yeah.
[cheerful rock music
over radio]
l love it
when the old man
pumps golden moldies
in the channel
after the all-nighters.
You know,
l'm totally puts
me in the mood.
Yeah, look
what happened the last
time Otis Redding was on.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh.
Do you want a brother?
(baby)
LittIe brother, daddy.
(Ryan)
AII right,
Tobe. Six degrees,
Kevin Bacon, BeIa Lugosi.
Hit it!
(Tobe)
Oh, no.
Oh man, this
should be cake
and ice cream for you.
(man 2)
Oh, come on.
Forget it, I-- I--
l guess this
encyclopedia
is human after all.
So what
movie is everyone
freaking out about?
'Cause l'm going
into the [indistinct]
Well, l haven't
seen any of them.
Apparently, Mr. K.,
has the only prints
of these things
in existence.
lt's like ultra rare
Holy Grail shit.
Right, Tobes?
Yeah, this being
the last hurrah and all
is the best time as ever
to unleash the terror,
the blood,
the boobs!
More blood!
More boobs!
Hurray for boobs.
What was it like
working here,
l mean,
Hog heaven, right?
No, nerdgasm.
l saw the movie
Hungry Hungry Hippos
l see
no nutritional value
in that whatsoever.
Hey, you asked!
And besides,
it gave
you an excuse
to almost talk
to a certain
concession employee.
Wait. Almost?
So you
haven't even like--
No. Okay?
We haven't even.
We're taking it slow.
Mm-hm. And by "slow"
he means turn the other
way and walk fast.
So you haven't
even talked to her?
lt's like this.
A girl like Desi
is never gonna
go out with me
so l figure, why not
hold on to the hope
instead of suffer
the disappointment?
You should
at least talk to her
before you go
back to school.
At least
then you could
make a piece.
Yeah, look who's
talking potsy!
Well, what the fuck
does that mean?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah, nothing, just--
Look, Kevin Bacon
and Elvis Presley.
(Tobe)
Let's do it.
[chuckIing]
[woman chuckIing]
[swoosh]
Admit two.
There you go, kids.
Just pull up
to the front row spot
and tune your tunes
to 1 06. 1 and enjoy.
[chuckling]
lt's gonna be
a hell of a night!
[chuckling]
(man)
Yeah, thanks.
[rolls up window]
"lt's gonna be a hell
of a night!" Fuck you,
get real.
l'm so glad to see this
fucking dump decimated.
Jesus, man.
Lighten up.
Oh, l'll lighten
up tomorrow
when the bulldozzers
gas up.
So remind me
why we're here
instead of Schneideman's.
Because l pulled
the short straw
and got stuck
with baby sitting duty.
fine Blumps location.
[horn honking]
Until then, l
gotta keep an eye
on the old man
make sure he doesn't
pull any shenanigans.
Well, Mr. Sourpuss.
Excuse me,
that's Junior VP
at Marketing Sourpuss.
Okay, Mr. VP Poopy Pants,
l promise to make
tonight worth your while.
(man)
Oh.
(announcer)
Show starts in five minutes.
[rattling]
[cheerful music]
l don't know, Orson.
Looks like last licks
for us oId bones.
l'm gonna miss all this.
This was my favorite part.
The preparation
and anticipation.
The threading,
spIicing the reeIs,
and always racing the clock.
Betty and l , we never
missed a single listing.
ln the gate
and don't be late.
You taught me that.
My rosebud.
Well, who needs
to be on time now
when you've got
demanding video
and high definition crap?
You can get anytime at home.
Who needs the old
night out under the stars
with some movie magic anymore?
That's what you
were all about. Right?
Magic tricks
and slight of hand.
Nobody cares
for magic anymore.
Nope.
[sighing]
The world gets smaller.
And soul mates fade away
Iike oId Kodak fiIm stock.
But nothing's gonna stop me
from sharing a bit
of that magic tonight!
Right?
[chuckling]
But, much like anything else--
[rattling]
[clears throat]
Now she's gone.
Now this pIace
is pretty much gone.
And like tomorrow,
I may be gone, too.
Fade to black. Right?
[chuckling]
Or maybe a smash cut!
[laughing]
[door bangs open]
Jumping Jesus!
Jehoshaphat Floyd.
Heart hopping Christ,
you're Iate, man.
Sorry, boss, l've been, uh,
l've been dealing with some--
[coughing]
Family matters.
Well, there's no need
for excuses now,
l'm already done
threading the first film.
Good God, man!
What have you been
sticking your dick into?
You look like hell
on a hand grenade.
l've been under the weather.
Look, why don't you
just go check in
with concessions,
see if Desi needs some help?
Sounds good. Okay.
And for Christ's sake, man,
clean yourself up!
[door shuts]
lt's show-time!
[chuckling]
[thunder
and screaming recording]
Well, hell, ell, ell,
ello, kiddies!
[chuckling]
lt's your old friend,
Uncle Cecil,
welcoming you to the final,
ghoulish night of murder
and mayhem!
[vicious Iaughter]
Yes, my ghouIs and gaIs,
it's time for Chillerama!
[vicious laughter]
[horns honking]
Sit back, poke a hole
in the bottom of your
pop-corn bag,
cuddle up
to the closest corpse
and prepare yourself
for this evening's
first squishy selection.
Wadzilla!
[vicious Iaughter]
[rooster]
[joyous cIassicaI music]
[eerie chord]
[mangIed chords
and wet meat]
[shriII eerie music]
[swoosh]
Excuse me, Dr. Weems.
Miles Munson's
lab work is ready.
Tell him l'll be right in.
[whispering]
Okay.
(Miles)
l never heard
of a sperm bank
turning anyone
down before.
You can imagine
my nervousness
when they suggested
l see a urologist.
lt isn't anything
serious, is it?
Life-threatening, no.
As a matter
of concern, yes.
Have a look
in there, Miles.
(Miles)
Wow! Look
at them aII go.
(doctor)
That is an exampIe
or normaI sperm.
And that
is your sperm.
[ominous music]
(Miles)
Yikes.
[suspenseful chord]
That doesn't look good.
Miles, there's
a new medication l'd
like to suggest you try.
lt's called
Spermupermine.
Now, it can't increase
the sperm you generate
but what it can do,
is strengthen the sperm
you already produce.
Spermupermine?
Yes. lt hasn't been
approved by the FDA yet,
but it is available
to test subjects.
Luckily for you,
l'm on the research board.
[chuckIing]
Thank you, doctor.
[shouting]
(man over TV)
Good morning, kids!
lt's the Captain Fatso Show.
And l'm Captain Fatso!
[shouting]
Well, ahoy there,
Captain Fatso,
say, are those
gumdrops l smell?
(Fatso)
Look kids,
it's DudIey DingIeberry!
[kids shouting]
(Fatso)
I'm starving!
l haven't even had
breakfast yet!
(Fatso)
Let me teII you
about the new sponsor!
[shouting]
[suspenseful music]
[TV show continues]
[music stops]
(Fatso over TV)
Peanut Mush
is now enhanced
with new
fIavored chemicaIs.
Makes your
breakfast even more
scrump-diIIy-dumptious!
Sounds de-lish.
[shouting]
Morning, Miles.
Uh, morning, Larry.
Hey, you still
single, buddy?
Unfortunately.
My wife's
college roommate
just got divorced
and moved to town.
Perfect for you.
You should
take her to dinner
tomorrow night.
Absolutely not.
No way, no more
blind dates.
Not after last time.
Come on, she's perfect.
You should just do
this, okay?
She's cute.
She's not looking
for anything serious.
Just a little
companionship.
You know?
[train horn]
[playful music]
[jazzzzy music]
Oh.
Allow me.
[suspenseful chord]
Oh.
[grunting]
Miles, are you okay?
Come here.
l just had a horrible
shooting pain
in my balls.
You think you
sat on your balls
when you sat down?
l don't know.
Oh! You twisted the veins
in your testicles.
Classic vein twist.
Okay. Okay.
[panting]
l'm good.
l'm so--
(man)
Okay, onto the consolidation
of our acquisitions
of GeneraI TextiIe Industries
and MBT Plastics.
For a brief overview,
we'd like
to introduce
to you all
the newest member
of our department,
Andie Sumner.
[jazzzzy music]
Hello, gentlemen.
[jazzzzy music]
Oh!
[sighing]
l'm such a klutzz.
Oh.
[grunting]
Are you okay?
Someone, help him up.
No, l'm all right.
l'm all right.
l'm all right.
Ugh. l just need
a little bit of air.
l'm sorry. Excuse me
for one second.
[grunting]
l don't know
if it has anything to do
with the pills
that you gave me,
but every time l get
the least bit aroused
l get the most intense
shooting pain
[whispering]
through my testicles.
Tsk. Well, there's only
one way to find out.
[scream and suspenseful chord]
What in God's name--
[suspenseful music]
Miles? Are you
all right?
l think so.
Give me the sample, Miles,
so we can get it
under the microscope
right away.
l don't think you're
gonna need a microscope.
Oh!
[wet meat]
[panting]
My God.
What's wrong with me?
It's impossibIe,
but it wouId appear
that the Spermupermine
has had an adverse
effect on your system.
It's not onIy strengthening
your spermatozzoa
but it's causing it
to grow
to gargantuan proportions.
And traditionaIIy, when
a man experiences arousaI,
his testicles produce
more sperm.
But in your case, however,
when you get turned on,
the one sperm you do have
gets huge.
[wet meat]
[suspenseful music]
I'm gonna send
this to the National
Institute of HeaIth
in Washington
for analysis.
Discontinue use
of the medication immediately.
lf you feel your
sperm enIarging again
you get it out of your
system right away.
Get it out
of my system?
Jerk off! Fast!
[sighing]
[cheerful Latino music]
[knocking]
[soft music]
Hi.
You must be Miles.
[suspenseful chord]
l'm Louise.
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[grunting]
[suspenseful chord]
No.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Are you--
Are you okay?
May l use your bathroom
just for a minute, please?
Of course.
Come right in.
Right down the hall.
l'll just
be one second
and l'll be back.
Oh.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music continues]
[growIing]
Molly, just what
kind of a nut did you
and Larry set me up with?
Hon, Louise says
that Miles showed
up at her door,
grabbed his
crotch and started
screaming. Wha--
He's-- He's
in the bathroom now,
he's making weird--
l can hear him.
(Larry)
Louise, Miles twisted a vein
in one of his testicIes.
Yeah, it hurts him sometimes.
He feeIs bad about it.
Don't make a fuss
over it.
He's a good guy.
Okay. That is enough
out of you.
l'm so sorry.
No, it's gonna
be okay.
He's just a brute.
That guy is such
an asshole.
[gasping]
l can hear him.
The poor guy--
Now l just
feel sorry for him.
[intense suspenseful music]
[shouting]
[loud thud]
[wet meat]
[grunting]
[suspenseful chord]
[clink]
She hung up.
[ominous music]
[thumping and wet meat]
[thumps and crashing]
[glass shattering]
[knocking]
Miles?
[thumping]
Are you all right in there?
[grunting, crashing]
[wet meat]
Ugh!
[flushing]
[sighing]
That was a close one.
[ominous music]
Oh, no!
[Louise, knocking]
Miles.
I'm getting
very concerned.
lt sounds like something
broke in there.
You don't happen
to have a plunger,
do you?
Oh.
Just what in the hell
happened in here?
l'm on a new medication.
[spIashing]
Oh!
[growling]
Oh, my God!
[ominous music]
lt's getting bigger!
[growling]
Run!
[Louise, screaming]
No!
Run!
Ugh.
[growling and squealing]
[screaming]
Oh!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming and sound
of wet meat]
[growling]
[Louise, screaming]
[crash]
[growling]
[glass shattering]
[thump]
[gurgling]
Um.
l can explain that.
He's a nice guy,
don't get me
wrong, but--
"Nice" just don't
count in the bedroom
when you got
a baby gherkin
between your legs.
Come on, Stewie.
Make a poo poo
for momma,
Come on, be a good boy.
l'm not exaggerating.
The guy's hung like
Howdy Doody,
and that's being generous.
[ominous music]
[chuckling]
Of course l'm
gonna see him again.
Did you see his car?
lt's a Cadillac.
No, that sizze was more
than acceptable--
[eerie sound
and dog whining]
Stewie! Will you
please shut up?
l'm sorry. He flunked
obedience school.
The mongoloid.
[ominous music]
[wet meat]
[whining]
[monster growIing,
dog whining]
Why does it smell
like Ajax?
[Ioud growI]
Stewie! Ow! You almost
dislocated my--
Stewie?
[ominous chord]
l have to call you back, mom.
Stewie just escaped
from his leash again.
There you are.
[wet meat]
You furry fugitive, you.
You'd better get
your little butt
over here before--
[gasping]
[growling]
[wet meat sound]
[squirting sound]
[accordion music]
[Ioud thump]
[metaIIic cIanking]
[ominous chord]
[cIanking continues]
[shouting]
You almost gave me
a heart attack.
Me too!
What'd you get?
[chuckling]
[humming]
[chuckling]
A Milk Dud.
[laughing viciously]
So, what did you find?
Half a rotisserie
chicken.
[laughing]
You're gonna split that
with me, right?
Yeah. Maybe.
For a hand job.
[suspenseful music]
Don't be such
a prude, Babs.
lt's not like
you ain't done it
Sp-- Sperm!
Exactly!
[growling]
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[growling]
[crunch and splatter]
Bob!
[woman shouting]
[running footsteps]
[growling]
[shouting]
[cIanking and shouting]
[shouting, echoing]
l want to thank
you for being
so understanding.
You know, a lot
of girls would've
run for the hills
if the sperm of their
blind date shot up their
skirt like that.
So, thanks again.
l swear to God, l will
pay for any damages.
Oh, please,
things can be replaced.
Testicles can't.
Now that's for sure.
l'm just glad
you're-- Uh.
Louise? What's
the matter?
[panting]
Oh, my God.
Miles. That's
your sperm.
(TV presenter)
This just in.
The tadpoIe-Iike creature
is running rampant
as it heads downtown.
Five are dead aIready
and unconfirmed reports
claim the slimy beast
is now the sizze
of a house
and growing!
Military leaders
are described as "testy"
when asked how to defend
against this gargantuan goo.
The military
is doing its best
to determine
what it would take
to rub one out of this sizze.
What are we
gonna do?
We gotta get
the authorities.
Come on!
Citizzens are asked
to use whatever
protection they can
and avoid the creature's
immediate vicinity
which authorities
are calling,
"the wet spot".
[ominous music]
[growIing and eerie chords]
[thunder]
We're reporting live
from downtown Manhattan
at the epicenter
of the crisis zzone
with a sperm creature
which has now risen
to five stories high
and apparently still growing
has been wreaking havoc
on New York.
The Mayor is insisting
that all New Yorkers
remain in their homes
until further--
Oh, my God.
lt's coming.
[shouting]
[growling]
[splatter]
[growling]
(TV presenter)
The stupendous spermatozzoa
is ravaging through
CentraI Park.
Oh, the humanity!
[gunshots]
[crash and crunch]
[explosion]
The spermicide is having
absolutely no effect.
What does this
sperm want, doc?
What every sperm
wants, General.
To fertilizze an ovum!
There's not an ovum
on God's green earth
big enough
for that thing.
(Miles)
Wait! I just
figured it out.
The Statue
of Liberty.
lt's the only
conceivable female
large enough.
[ominous music]
[sweet eerie music]
[growling softly]
[ominous music]
[choppers]
Steady. Steady.
[growling]
[ripping]
Ah! Dammit.
Oh, my God!
Don't panic,
there's gotta
be another one here.
(General)
No time. Look!
[growling]
[ominous music]
[growling]
[squealing]
[growling]
Attention!
This is General Bukkake.
lnitiate Operation
Moneyshot. Three.
Two!
One!
[whistling]
[explosion]
[joyous cIassicaI music]
(Miles)
Ah.
[Ugh.
[chuckling]
Some first date, huh?
[chuckling]
You can say that again.
Well, at least
it's good for the skin.
Yeah.
[triumphant music]
What?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
[triumphant music continues]
Miles!
[music stops]
All right.
Fuck it.
[triumphant music]
Hm.
[ominous music]
[grunting]
[spooky music]
Oh, yeah.
Classic cinema.
Wow.
lf you liked
Remains of the Day
then you'll cream
over Wadzilla.
You know?
Not enough tits.
Wow. Ryan.
Be your brother much?
Mayna, don't insult me.
(Tobe)
Okay, substance run.
I am so thirsty.
Oh, no. Sit tight.
Sit tight. l'll go.
l got this.
l got this one.
What?
[background radio]
Nothing.
l just wanna make sure
my friends are well fueled.
(both)
Hm. Sure.
What do you want?
Get me some red vines.
No popcorn.
No corn?
Nope. No popcorn
for me, but,
a Coke would be
delightful, Romeo.
AII right.
Red Vines. Check.
Coke. Check.
Fuck off. Check.
Back before flick two.
You kids, be good now.
Oh. Uh. MilkDuds.
GremIins.
Yeah!
So--
[sighing]
[clears throat]
Uh--
Robert England
to Kane Hodder. Go.
God, l love you.
What?
Uh, nothing, nothing.
Uh, well, that's easy--
(announcer)
Stop the show.
[bIowing whistIe]
Here's news
you want to know.
We just got a shipment of--
(Miller)
Dude!
Hey, you get
me snackage?
Thank you.
Oh, l am?
Come on, cum bubble.
l'm busy.
Hi, Ryan.
Hi, Laura.
You gonna go
talk to Desi?
Why does everyone
know about this?
Popcorn. Extra
butter. AndaIe.
How about some
money, prick?
Put it
on my tab, douche.
[rolling up window]
Asshole.
l think your
brother's cute.
l think my brother's
a fagot.
[cheerful music]
Enjoy the show.
Hi, Des.
Hey, Daddy-O.
What's your tale
nightingale?
Nothing much.
Pretty crazzy outside, huh?
lt's never been
this jammin'.
lt's totally Antsville.
Man.
[chuckling nervously]
Hey, you look
so boss.
You like it?
l thought
it'd be appropriate,
last night and all.
Sure.
What can l do
for ya?
Uh, l need
a Twizzzzlers,
a Coke and a popcorn,
with extra extra
arsenic, please.
That last order
is for big brother?
How could you tell?
Lucky guess. Let me
get that for ya.
Sure.
Snickers! Hey,
l'm sorry.
We're all out of butter
but l can go get some
real quick.
Nah, it's not a problem,
l don't
wanna hold the line.
(Desi)
Nah, nah, it's okay.
l'll be back in a jiff.
Just hold on, okay?
[moaning and coughing]
[grunting]
[groaning in pain]
[suspenseful music]
[sighing]
[door opening]
Golly.
[suspenseful music]
Beach, blanket,
bingo!
Hm. lt's open.
[indistinct]
[door cIosing]
[gurgling]
So how's the car?
l saw you on King
last week, pretty cherry.
You liked it?
l got it right outside
if you wanna take a look.
Nifty. Really?
You know. Maybe before
l hit back upstate,
l'd like to take you
for a drive.
Gee whizz. Um, yeah,
but only if you come.
[chuckling]
Hey, now.
[Mr. K. over radio]
Well, kiddies.
Ready for another rush
rock and shock and roII?
[Iaughing viciousIy]
Shit. To be continued.
Absolutely, big tickler.
Come back after this one?
That's a promise, Suzzy Q.
Ryan?
Yeah.
That's ten dollars.
Ah! Right. Right.
Come back, okay?
Swearzzies. Hope to die.
Later gator.
After a while, crocodile.
Nice.
(Mr. K.)
This next class
of cinematic sin
stems from the outer reaches
of Planet Taboo.
So buckle up
your seat beIts--
(Ryan)
Hey!
HeIIo?
[thump]
Dude, fuck-head,
my door!
There's your fucking popcorn.
Thanks, Ryan!
Penis.
About to unleash
the fantastic furry fury
ofl Was a Teenage Werebear.
[barking and howIing]
[howling]
[maIe voice on radio]
Mark the Shark
rocking down the PCH
with NBH.
Yeah, baby,
Bobby Vinton.
[woman moaning wiIdIy]
[soft pop music]
[woman Iaughing wiIdIy]
Peggy Lou,
if you keep groping
like an octopus
l'm gonna have to
tell you [indistinct]
Now l'm
gonna make you
love me like Elvis.
Geezz, me just met
last week
ain't you ever heard
of taking it slow?
Slow is
for old-fashioned girls,
not a modern woman
like me, now get over here.
Are all the girls
in Malibu like you?
Ricky, don't you
like boobies?
(kid)
Hey, Ricky!
President Kennedy
says we're going
to the moon!
[chuckIing]
[indistinct]
l see you finally found
your pot of gold, son.
Hi, Mr. O'Reilly.
Hi, Jimmy.
(father)
Top 'o the mornin' to ya Ias.
I bIess you chiId,
for finally putting
lrish whiskey
[indistinct]
Cut it, dad.
Nothing happened.
Rickie's mother,
God rest her soul,
never was much
for lrish whiskey,
if you know what l mean.
Oh, you poor
old thing.
lt's been a long,
lonely life.
Everybody, shut up!
What are you two
even doing here, anyway?
You forgot your lunch
for school on the beach
day, dumdum.
[playful chord]
Oh, you're
tearing me apart!
[funny car horn]
[sighing]
l swear, l'll
never be like
my old man.
He's such a perv.
Oh, Rickie,
he isn't all that bad
he just wants
what's best for his son.
I just don't wanna be
another washed up jock
slash war vet like him.
There's more to life.
No, there's more
to me than,
bouncing baIIs
[indistinct]
More to life
than us?
[silly chuckle]
Ricky Patrick
O'Reilly, you're
doing it again.
Doing what?
You're looking away.
ls it something l do
lt it something l say,
Every time l'm with you
l see you looking away
They say the eyes are
The souI, doorway straight
To your heart
lf you won't
Ever stay close
lt's like
l just cut a fart
Don't look away, baby
Please, don't look away
Stare me straight
ln the eyes
With our hands
Between my thighs
So please don't look away
Baby give me some time
So l can make up my mind
Just know
That it isn't you
These feelings
Make me so blue
l'm trying
Real hard to find
The one
That makes me feel right
Till then l guess
That it's you
That's just the best
l can do
So l look away, baby
l guess l'll look away
l can't take our eyes
For you might see
The lies
So l will look away
Don't look away
l think
l'll look away
Please
Don't look away
l guess l'll look away
Stare me straight
ln the eye
l can't take your eyes
Place your hands
Between my thighs
For you might see
The lies
Don't look away
(Ricky)
l think l'll look away
Tear me up inside
You make me
Wanna go hide
(Ricky)
l think l'll look away
[tires screeching]
[engine roaring]
[screaming]
[loud crash]
You saved me.
Quite observant.
Whoa. You dented
my Bronco.
(Ricky)
You dented her.
l got a boo boo.
[laughing]
l see the new
kid's making nice
with the other team.
What team
would that
be, Butch?
The team
no God-fearing
red-blooded American
would be caught
dead playing for.
l toss balls
with the boys.
[scoffing]
ExactIy.
[aII Iaughing]
[kissing]
(Ricky)
Look, Butch.
She needs help.
The kind of help
that bird needs
ain't gonna come
from a Melvin like you.
(all)
Ooooh.
See ya in class,
bitch sticks.
(all chuckling)
She don't
look so good.
(Talon)
l've seen worse.
[chuckling]
l don't know
how to thank you.
You'll think
of something. They
always think of something.
Wait. What's your names?
Talon. Dan. Den.
l'm--
Ricky. We know.
[foreign accent]
You did good
bringing her to me.
With a little snoozze
she'll be A-okay.
[background ocean]
Shouldn't we bring
her to the hospital?
You got a pee pee
Stick it in my poo poo
Make it go boom!
The brains, they spill
a little bit crazzy.
She fine.
[eerie, echoing maIe voice]
Ricky. Ricky.
[echoing]
Go away,
you nasty beasty!
Take your filthy
vermin with you.
Shoo! Shoo!
[triumphant romantic music]
(Nurse Maleva)
Shoo!
Shoo!
Take your foul
animuIes with you.
Shoo. Shoo.
You stay away
from those kind.
Yeah, well those
kind saved me.
[cheerful music]
[whistIe bIowing]
[audience booing]
So Big Bad Butch
ain't so bad after all.
Aw, the heck
with that, coach!
Tinker Bell
didn't pin me.
l was distracted.
[giggling]
[chuckling]
All right. Who's next?
(Talon)
Me.
(coach)
Oh, so l see
Mr. Ducktale
finally decided to join us
in class this semester.
Couldn't get a note
from your quack?
Them two are sweet
on each other.
Take that
back, Butch!
(coach)
Yo! Yo! Save it
for the mat.
l don't mind if l do.
[hard rock music]
[both grunting and groaning]
Give in, Rick.
Give in to me.
Never!
You can run from me
but you can't run
from yourself.
Get off me now!
[horror music]
[growIing]
[shouting]
Yo, what did l tell
you about biting?
(Talon)
Sorry, coach,
l skipped breakfast.
(coach)
Skipped breakfast?
Wiseguy, huh? Okay,
three miIe run everybody
you can all thank
wiseguy over here.
Everybody let's go.
Come on. Get go.
Get going.
[thump]
l got a feeling
A feeling
That l'm gonna explode
Yes, l've got this feeling
How much longer
Must l hold my load?
Oh, what do l do?
Purge this urge
Oh, God, l really
Gotta purge this urge
lf nothing else
l've gotta purge
This urge
Ooh Ooh
Purge this urge
The time is coming
When l gotta choose
There's no more hiding
No more playing
By the boss man's rules
l've got to find
My own way
Purge this urge!
[music stops abruptIy]
ls there something
you wanna talk
about, kid?
[ beII ringing]
(Ricky)
My mother, before she died,
she said, "Ricky,
always be true to yourself".
And l try to be.
But l get these feelings.
Uh, these, urges.
And they feel true,
they feel so right.
But,
so wrong.
Ricky, it may come
as a surprise to you, kid.
Coach Tuffman gets
those kind of urges too.
You don't think l ,
[chuckling]
watch you guys
shower after class?
Soaping up your biceps,
your abs,
glutes.
Whoa. l think it's time
for me to bug out.
Ricky, sit down. Relax.
This is between
me and you, right?
I'm gonna do something
for you my wife will
never do for me.
That dusty old wench.
[chuckling]
Hey!
[coach, groaning]
[suspenseful music]
[both shouting]
Tastes like chicken,
huh, babe?
[sad music]
l don't know
what's happening to me.
lt's as if suddenly
l have this strength,
that, like--
Of a grizzzzly?
Listen. Don't
have a cow.
We got your back.
You did this.
lt was your bite!
My ass!
What? What are you?
The same as you.
(Butch)
Oooh.
Look who we've got here.
Clean up for coach
like good little boys?
More like
cleaning up coach.
[guys Iaughing]
Time to teach
the fairy brigade
a lesson.
[beII ringing]
Ugh.
(Butch)
My pops toId me
this is how you teach
Iessons to pansies
in prison.
Sounds like pops
knows how to party.
Leave him
alone, Butch!
Shut up,
Nancy boy!
You're next.
Gentlemen.
[aII chanting]
PIug him up!
PIug him up!
PIug him up!
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
This is for you, Jesus.
[grunting]
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
[chuckling]
Plug him up!
Plug him up!
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
Plug him up!
[loud growling
and horror chord]
[roaring]
[shrill scream]
You okay, dude?
[Butch, giggIing hystericaIIy]
Man, l was just playing.
lt was just a joke.
lt's a party, daddy Os!
[swoosh]
[screaming]
[intense rock music]
Ugh!
[slap]
[shouting]
[crying]
[shouting]
[playful music]
[intense rock music
and crying]
l never promised
l'd be gentle.
Now you know what we are.
And what you are!
(Ricky)
No. l'm not
like any of you.
Angsty little dude.
[shouting]
My darling.
lt's good for your head.
Call me, Sybill!
Nurse Maleva,
you've gotta help me.
Just calm down.
Tell me everything.
You were right.
Talon, the twins,
they're not
just different,
they're-- They're--
Werebears.
Werebears!
l'm sorry.
l don't understand.
Where l am from,
there is old saying
Even a boy
who thinks he's straight
yet shaves
his balls by night,
may become a Werebear
from the hormones
of age
and the Iatent urge
takes flight.
So you're saying--
Once bitten,
anytime you get aroused,
you become that
which bit you.
And you attack
those you lust after.
Lust after?
l think you know
what l'm talking about.
[playful ping]
Homo!
No. l am
not a homo!
l'm a, Werebear.
[ominous chord]
[cheerful rock music]
Looking for these?
[sighing]
l'm going to the police.
Well, don't forget
to tell them
what you did to good old
Coach Tuffman.
He was trying to molest me.
Ricky. Ricky. Ricky.
You can't molest
the willing.
[growling]
[light growl]
You're such
a cub, Ricky.
All show and no go.
Who's talking about
not being like everybody
else, you just wanna be you.
This is you.
No. You did this to me.
[thump]
You could ask yourself
a question, brother.
[panting]
Did the bite
put the beast in you?
Or let it out.
[snapping]
Love, Iove, Iove
Bit me on the ass
Love bit me on the ass
lt got me by surprise
Love bit me on the ass
Took teeth to realizze
That l'm just
A lonely boy
Yes, deep down l'm blue
But when l'm
unleash the beast
To myself l'm true
Love, Iove, Iove,
Bit me on the ass
Love bit me on the ass
Bit me deep down too
Love bit me on the ass
But no way am l like you
l may be quite different
But l am not a beast
l just want to cuddle
And you just wanna feast
Love, Iove, Iove,
Bit me on the ass
Love, Iove, Iove
[both, growling]
Meet me tonight
at the luau.
lt's gonna be a bloodbath.
What do you mean
[growling]
with "bloodbath"?
lt means that the guys
are gonna shake things
up at the school dance.
Payback time for those
small-minded haters.
[chuckling]
l can't be
part of that, Talon.
You can't be part of that.
This is not how you
gain acceptance.
[panting]
Well, then l guess
l'll see ya when
l'll see ya.
[soft pop music]
l saw you dancing
Barefoot in the sand
l can love you
Like no other can
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
Sexy ways
[applause]
[audience booing]
You've all given us
such a warm welcome
this first week at school.
You definitely deserve
this next number, it's, uh,
It's pretty bear-tastic.
[rock music begins]
Well, we got a new dance
lt's the hit of the land
All you gotta do
is thrust when you stand
[indistinct]a squeal,
a grunt, and a squirt
Yeah, it's called the Warebear
And it just might hurt
Let's do the Werebear
And let
The Werebear do you
Let's do the Werebear
Right here in Malibu
(all)
Yeah!
Sweeping the nation
Just like civil rights
Werebear
lt's the latest sensation
For long long lonely nights
Werebear
l knew you would
come, son.
Four, three, two, thrust
l know now what
l must do, Maleva.
Three, thrust
l wanna do it again
Let's do the Werebear
And let
The Werebear do you
Let's do the Werebear
Right here in Malibu
Yeah!
One, two, three, thrust
[moaning]
One, two, three, thrust
One, two, three, thrust
[growling]
Do it again
[moaning]
One, two, three, thrust
Oh, it never has to end
One, two, three, thrust
One, two, three, thrust
[growling and shouting]
One, two, three,
Thrust, oh!
Everybody gather round
[audience gasping]
You better not let
This madness go down
They got good lines
They fuck real good
But they just want
To make you their food
Yeah!
[music stops]
[both growling]
Violence and hatred
is not the answer.
lf we are to be accepted
we must show love
and tolerance.
There are human beings
out there, Talon.
Not snacks.
[chuckling]
Nice speech, Gandhi.
But we're hungry!
[suspenseful music]
[shouting]
[ominous music]
[general screaming
and growling]
[suspenseful music continues]
(Talon)
l freed you
from a life of conformity.
l unleashed you
from the mundane.
[punches and screaming]
(Ricky)
You chained me to a life
of bloodloss!
[shouting]
[screaming]
[shouting]
Help me, Maleva!
(Maleva)
Yes, Ricky.
You know what to do.
[shouting
and suspenseful chord]
[both panting]
[sad music]
Maybe--
l should've been
more like you.
We can change
the world together.
You still can.
[panting]
Go get 'em, kid.
Make sure
you tell them
that l'm not a monster.
You know, Werebears
need love too.
[howling]
(Tobe)
Wow. Not enough gay.
(Ryan)
Yeah, l mean,
De Palma, ripping
this off for Carrey?
(Tobe)
Why are you surprised?
lt's De Palma.
What-- What l don't get,
is if they just shaved
their chests
wouldn't their curse
be lifted?
l mean,
that's what it took
to be a Werebear. Right?
Uh. Sure.
l feel like l would've
used something
less invasive.
You know, like,
instead of a dildo,
maybe a silver razzor.
[chuckling
and squeaking sound]
What was that?
That's what scientists
refer to as the one
cheek sneak.
Anyone want anything
from the concession stand?
l'm gonna go talk to Mr. K.
l'm good.
Nah, just bring Desi
back if you can.
Yeah, sure, l'll
be right back.
[clearing throat]
[farting]
[continues farting]
ls it hot in here
or is it just me?
lt's you.
How 'bout you sideburns,
want some of this milk
it may cool you off?
l'd rather
have a beer.
[chuckling]
Nice.
Okay. Saw you,
Mr. CockbIock.
[mumbling]
Hey, is there
any popcorn left?
Fresh out.
Want me
to get some more
before the next fIick?
Yeah. l'll
just be here
getting manhandled.
Really?
[baby gibberish]
Oh. l could just
eat you up.
lt's all over, darling
because l--
[door opening]
Hey, Mr. K.
How you holding up?
Jesus, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Boy, dammit.
Does anybody knock anymore?
l'm an old man here.
Mr. K.,
l'm sorry, sir, l--
Don't apoIogizze.
Put, put, put, put
your hands down, son.
Wow. Thanks
for the six heart attacks.
Do you have a minute
to talk. l , l need to.
Well, sure thing. But, uh, go
over to the projector first
and flip on my call, okay?
Yeah, you got it, Mr. K.
[screaming and thunder]
Welcome back,
boyls and ghouls.
Anybody not off
to eternal slumber yet?
[horns honking]
Tonight they
wiII bask in the gIory
of the unconventionaI.
spit in the eye of morality
and feast on the art
of the damned.
With a film
that will test your tastes
and rock the very fabric
of your senses!
[laughing]
[German accent]
And first, it's time
to bear witness
to the Bible of bad taste,
The Diary
of Anne Frankenstein!
[rattIing and spooky
piano music]
[1 930s music]
[speaking German]
[intense suspenseful music]
Sh.
[crash]
[shouting]
[suspenseful music stops]
[suspenseful music resumes]
[growling]
[playful music]
[chuckling]
[Anna, chuckling]
[mocking, laughing]
[all, laughing]
[gunshots]
[thunder]
[both soldiers]
Heil, Hitler!
[indistinct]
Scheisse.
[knocking]
[chuckling]
Boop!
[playful music]
[both, laughing]
Poofta.
(both)
HeiI, Hitler!
[suspenseful music]
[singing, sweet music]
[suspenseful music]
(Eva)
Oh, mein Gott.
[heavenIy music]
[growling]
[purring]
[growling]
Heil, Hitler!
Meshugannah.
Huh?
[growling softly]
[continues encouraging]
[growling]
[intense suspenseful music]
(both)
Nein!
[indistinct]
[sound of wet meat]
[screaming]
[groaning]
What the fuck?
[suspenseful music]
[gunshots]
[intense suspenseful music
and screaming continues]
[Eva and Hitler
alternate screaming]
[growling]
[both, sighing
in relief]
[all scream]
[sound of wet meat]
[growling]
Oh!
[ripping,
screaming]
[traditionaI Jewish music]
(male voice, on screen)
What is it?
[chorus singing]
More popcorn?
[on screen singing]
Two hot popcorns
Mix it up, wrap it up
Butter it up
[thump and moaning]
l got big plans
for you, baby.
Nice. Nice.
You like that, baby?
Hm. Yeah.
[moaning]
Loads of possibilities.
feet, Starbucks,
Food court, oh, I get hard
just thinking about it.
Yeah.
[crunching, moaning]
Hm. That's good. Hm.
Oh. So, so good.
Hm. Delicious.
Hey. Are you
enjoying my mouth
or the fucking popcorn?
Well, both, baby.
lt's kind of a big
fantasy for me.
Well, are you sure?
'Cause it seems you're
getting aII orgasmic
about your fucking snacks.
[stomach noises
and grunting]
Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, just, uh,
l feel hot.
Kinda hot.
Don't stop. Come on.
[stomach noises]
Okay. Tell me when you're
gonna pop. You know l
don't like the taste.
Yeah. Yeah. Ugh.
[groaning and gurgIing]
[suspenseful music]
What--
[growling]
[wet meat and cracking]
[wet meat
and growIing]
[background radio]
[horror chord]
More head.
[groaning]
[crunching, moaning]
[soft growling]
[loud thump]
What the fuck?
[chuckling]
l just washed
this car.
He's got
blue slushies!
Oh! l'm like freaking
out right now!
All right. What were
we talking about?
Tobe. l should probably go--
Talk to Tobe.
I think you
should talk to him.
That's my piece.
That's fine! Screw it!
Just tell me how
it begins.
Roger Wilco.
Red five. Standing by.
Hm. Nerdy one.
Yeah, and you
getting that line
makes you one
of the good ones.
[door cIosing]
Which makes me,
the final girl.
(Announcer)
And now, on with the show.
[thunder
and screaming recording]
Well, my Chilly Chillens,
l hope you're still
with us for the long
[indistinct]
[vicious laughing]
(Mr. K.)
For this popuIar abomination
you've all been waiting for.
The final sinful centerpiece,
of our last evening together.
Hey.
So, l need to get
something off my chest.
l-- l--
(Mr. K.
You are gonna see
some serious shit!
Whoa.
lt's just like
in the movies, huh?
l-- l--
l got nothing.
(Mr. K)
The most viIe and offensive
stock of ceIIuIoid.
Here is Deathication.
[Iaughing viciousIy]
[spooky music]
[door opening]
Oh, hello.
l didn't see you there.
Come in, won't you?
Would you mind, uh,
closing the door, please?
[cIosing door]
Thank you very much.
As l was saying, my name
is Fernando Phagabeefy.
lnternationally known
and respected film maker.
The visionary mastermind
behind notorious
cinematic works such as,
The Cunting Death,
Salo 2, The Next Day
and of course,
Rosemary's Picnic TabIe.
l here now to present to you
my latest and greatest
moving picture.
A film so scandalous,
so intense,
that it was banned
from every film festival
in fear of mass hysteria,
and destroyed seating.
The next 87 minutes
you're about to endure
a motion picture
l've directed called,
Deathication,
comes with a very
serious warning.
This film
was specifically produced
to elicit the effect
of pure terror on the audience
to a complete
and total sensory immersion
to the images on screen
using the latest
in cinematic technology.
The lights of which
we can have revealed here
in fear
of government confiscation.
The following visuals
printed on this very
film stock
are proven to cause a highly
visceral, biological response
in the human nervous system
in the most,
hm, nefarious of ways.
Oh, hello, doctor.
As you can
see from our
scientific results,
this photo realistic
rendering
of one,
the human body,
each and every frame
of Deathication
swiftly attacks
the viewer's
brainwaves,
rendering specific
motor functions helpless
to the depravity that unfolds
before your very eyes.
At any moment during
the course of this film,
viewers have been know
to suddenly and violently
release their bowels!
A collective explosion
of hot, moist madness.
ln other words,
what you're about to see
will make you shit.
A lot!
Buckets of excrement!
A river of ca ca wiII
rage through this theater's
as one buttery floor.
You'll crap your slacks
for days to come,
ruin many undergarments
become severely dehydrated,
brave scorn at any social
event or family gathering,
even suffer from a case
of inflamed anal tissue
similar,
to the effects of sodomy.
ln other other words,
this film
will rape you
with your own feces.
And that, my friends,
is a Fernando
Phagabeefy promise.
With this warning in mind,
by staying in this theatre,
you're releasing
any rights and liability
against the film makers
or the owner of this
fine establishment
for any cleaning bills,
shattered senses,
or exploded ovaries.
So, for the safety of you,
those around you
and the integrity
of your swimming trunks area,
please consider this
your final warning.
Those in the audience
who have a weak constitution
or a giant asshole,
should leave
this theatre immediately!
Unless you are truly prepared
to experience
the horrific effects
of, Deathication.
Because you can't scream
if you're full of shit.
[fart sound]
[disco music]
[fart]
[farting]
[grunting]
[farting]
[groaning]
[farting]
[grunting]
[fart]
[disco music continues]
[grunting]
What the hell--
[grunting over radio,
audio probIems]
What is that?
l don't know.
That's a first.
[disco music continues]
Do you think
Mr. K's all right?
(Tobe)
l don't know. l'm kind
of worried about him.
He seemed a bit a mess
about the whoIe thing,
and there was a gun.
What? A gun?
Look, l'll explain in a sec.
Come on, let's go
check him out.
[shouting]
[farting]
[shouting]
Cecil!
Oh, my God.
You kids,
get out of here!
What the hell, man?
Gun.
[growling]
[loud thump]
Dick, you're fired!
[gunshot]
[groaning]
Boss!
[loud thump]
What? You never saw Robocop?
What the cripes
was that, Mr. K?
l don't know.
He just attacked
me from behind.
Next thing l know,
he's trying to pull
my pants down.
l think
he was trying
to hide the baloney.
(Mayna)
What's that blue
stuff on him?
Wait, wait, wait. l saw
that on somebody's
shirt downstairs.
Wait! Did he bite you?
He's totally a zzombie.
No. He came close
but no cigar.
l'm fine.
And you?
Actually, l'm
kind of awesome,
all things considering.
(Mr. K.)
Well, let's check
the [indistinct]
Look out!
Tobe!
[loud thump]
[on screen audio problems]
Get him off me!
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
Tobe!
Shit! He's trying
to kiss me!
Fuck you, Floyd.
[gunshot]
Wow. Wow. Wow.
[gunshot]
[groaning]
Wolfman has nards!
Nice shooting, Tex.
How'd you know that
was the sweet spot?
(Mayna)
Come on, l'm a girl.
l know where guy's
heads are.
(Tobe)
Thanks.
That's two
you owe me, Junior.
God, l love you.
l know.
Will you two
clam it 'till
the credits?
What l wanna know
is what the sweet scent
of Satan's scrotus
is going on here.
[cheerful music
and screaming]
[wet meat and creaming]
[shouting]
What?
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
l'll just lie here.
lt all should
blow over.
Ah, fuck that!
l could leave!
l got the car,
l got the keys!
Ah, what about the guys?
Wait.
Ah, Des! Shit!
[softly growling]
[cheerful music
over radio continues]
[grunting]
[baby crying]
[wet meat sound]
[music stops]
[baby gibberish]
Yes! Okay.
Come on, Ryan.
This is my movie.
l'm the final girl.
Come on!
[background screaming
and growIing]
Okay.
One.
Two.
[background screaming]
[suspenseful music]
Two and a half.
Three!
[grunting]
[suspenseful music,
intensifying]
[shouting]
Jesus, Miller.
Penis brat!
You gotta be
fucking kidding!
[screaming]
Swearsies.
Now what?
We get back in the car
and get the fuck out.
[growling]
Plan A sucks.
Got any other ideas?
Follow me.
[suspenseful music continues]
Fuck you, fucking zzombies!
[shouting]
Okay.
l gotta think.
l gotta save the day.
What would, uh,
Simon Pegg do?
That's too
British.
Des, Des, we're gonna
get out of this.
We're gonna be oh--
[suspenseful music
and wet meat]
Des?
[gasping]
l want you, Ryan.
That is so awesome, but,
this is kind of a no time
for love Dr. Jones situation
here, so.
We'll be fine.
[moaning]
Come to me, Ryan.
But, but you're--
ln love?
No--
[moaning]
Be inside me forever, Ryan.
l , uh--
Fuck it!
[wet meat sound]
[groaning]
[spooky music]
Phone's dead.
(Mr. K.)
Phones out here too,
smart bastards.
What the hell
is going on?
When there's no
more room left in hell,
"The dead
shall fuck the earth."
Or something like that,
it's like,
with the final reel.
Final reel.
What?
No. l cannot die
here tonight.
You're not
gonna die tonight.
Here.
Here you go, kid.
Six rounds wiII
give you some courage.
(Mayna)
What about you?
Don't worry about me.
Now you came
by car tonight, right?
Yeah, hopefully
Ryan stayed in the car.
He's got the keys.
Get back to your car,
lock yourselves in
and drive fast.
What do we tell him?
That this in an undead orgy?
Tell them whatever!
Tell them to bring
the cops, the army,
the goddamn hazzmat suits.
Bring them all!
Now, you have
Got it.
(Mayna)
Aren't you coming?
Yeah. Yeah. l'll--
l'll catch up with ya.
Scoot you two.
Good luck.
And may the schwartzz
be with ya.
You too, Mr. K.
What was it
you said, Orson?
Nobody who takes on
anything big and tough
can afford to be modest.
[background shouting
and growIing]
[triumphant music]
Fuck modesty.
[suspenseful chord]
Fuck!
[soft growling]
Hey, there, big boy.
You Iike that?
ls this
what you want?
(Tobe)
Mayna, what the fuck?
[distorted voice]
Happy ending.
[panting]
[gunshot]
[keys clinking]
Feel important.
Wait! Smoke screen.
[groaning]
(Mayna)
Fuck me gently
with the chain saw.
[gunshot]
[grunting]
Let's go!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Where's the car?
Right there.
(Tobe)
Yeah. Right there.
[gunshots]
(Mayna)
Oh, shit.
[growling]
Fuck.
[gunshot]
(Tobe)
Watch out.
[Mayna]
Your mother sucks
cocks in hell.
[gunshot]
[shouting]
Tobe! Oh, my gosh!
[gunshot]
[panting]
Oh, fuck.
(Mayna)
Are you out?
(Tobe)
I've got one.
[suspenseful music
and waIIa]
l've got two.
Wait. No.
l've only
got one. Fuck.
Well, the best we could
do is use it on us.
Before we become zzombies.
l don't feel
like losing my virginity
with a goddamn zzombie.
Wait. You're a virgin?
Can we talk about this
later? Watch it.
[gunshot]
l waited for you.
[soft music]
Now put
the gun on my head
and pull the trigger.
The bullet should
take us both out.
What? ls that the best
idea you've got?
lt's the only thing
l can remember
from the movies
that makes any sense--
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
Get your undead dicks
out of my drive-in!
[gunshot and shouting]
Old turkey!
(Mr. K.)
This way, jerk offs!
Follow me!
(Mr. K.)
Amscra you two.
Get to the chopper. Go.
(Mayna)
Where are the keys?
l don't know.
You have them.
What? No, l gave them to you.
l gave them to you!
Check your pockets.
l got 'em!
Behind you!
[gunshot]
ln. ln. ln. Get in!
Open the door!
Unlock it.
Get in.
[closing door]
"Hasta Ia vista, baby ."
"Frankly, my dear,
l don't give a damn".
"Nobody puts Baby
in a corner."
[gunshot]
"Yippie ki yay motherfucker."
[gunshot]
"What we have here
is a failure to communicate".
[gunshot]
[gunshots and shouting]
"Goonies never say die!"
[triumphant music continues]
"l'm getting too old
for this shit".
(Mr. K.)
This way, perverts!
Follow the Pied Piper
and his sweet asshole!
[growIing]
Cinema is dead.
[thump]
[wet meat sound]
Oh!
"Say hello
to my little friend!"
[gunshot]
[indistinct]
a better contender!
"Rosebud, motherfucker"!
Oh, God.
l think that was
uncle Cecil's
curtain call.
Well, that's a way
to find out. Huh?
Keys to ignition. Go!
(Tobe)
Okay.
[engine cranks
but can't start]
No, no, no.
Come on. This isn't
supposed to happen.
We're supposed
to survive. Fuck.
This is it.
Wait! You still have the--
Fresh out.
[cocks gun]
Damn it!
What do we do now?
(Mayna)
Well, we can
just sit here
and wait
for them to turn us
into human sex toys.
Okay. Already not
digging doing
number one.
Or,
We spend
the last night
of our lives together
and give these fuckers
one hell of a show.
l have to admit
that's one hell
of a plan.
Let's do it. Wait.
[soft music]
Funny. Did you
ever think
this would be the moment
you became a man?
Actually, it was during
an alien invasion
but it really
doesn't matter
what the scenario.
Why's that?
Because l always knew
it would be with you.
You are so cool.
True romance.
Wait. Wait.
What? What?
Do you have a condom?
Really?
[chuckling]
l'm kidding.
[zzombies thumping
and groaning]
[suspenseful music
and gIass shattering]
[cheering]
Fantastic! Now
that's an ending.
Fuck Hollywood!
Really? Boring.
Boring?
Not enough tits.
Actually, it was
kinda bittersweet.
You know?
Like the ending of E.T.
Why does everything
gotta be E.T. with you?
Come on. Let's go.
E.T.'s gay.
How-- He's a plant.
He can't be gay.
He's a pla--
He's a plant.
Would you be gay
if you were a plant?
[IiveIy music]
[screaming]
[hard rock music]
lt is
a biological anomaly
the likes of which
the medical community
has never seen.
Miles' unique
body chemistry
clashed with the Plutoneide
and the Spermupermine
mutating his spermatozzoa
during spermatogenesis
in a way that no one
could've expected.
Spermatium are
by their very nature
a very determined
and resilient organism
genetically programmed
to overcome all obstacles
defy all odds
and hit the target.
or die trying.
Perhaps--
You can view
this disaster
as a kind
of cautionary tale
against the misuse
of a yet to be
fully understood
era in atomic energy.
God help us all.
[soft cheerful song]
[soft music]
[pop song]
Ba-bye.