Chris Redd: Why Am I Like This? (2022) Movie Script
[triumphant music]
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Redd!
- I don't know why
I'm like this, nigga.
I'm trying to
figure it out, bro.
I really am.
I'm trying to figure out
why I'm like this shit,
you know.
I'm in therapy right now.
I thought therapy
was for White people.
I saw you trying to
clap for therapy.
Go ahead, girl.
[cheers and applause]
Go ahead, girl.
Oh, y'all late.
Y'all late.
Nigga, stop.
Y'all late.
You left this woman by herself.
She was clapping
with confidence,
like, oh I'm the only one,
bitch? Damn.
I thought therapy
was for White people.
I ain't gonna lie to y'all.
I thought it was for you,
White people.
I thought it was--
mm, triggered, y'all.
I thought it was you.
And then I got a little money.
I took my first vacation.
I realized,
oh, it's for people
with money and time.
White people just
had that first.
Sneaky motherfuckers.
I swear to God.
I knew I had a problem,
I knew I needed something.
I needed somebody to
talk to 'cause I was
living the best day
of my life,
and I was having
the worst time.
I always told myself
if I made a little money,
I was gonna relive
a day in my life
like Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
video.
"Big Pimpin'" is about
one man, Jay-Z.
He's out there with his best
friends in Miami
or wherever
the fuck they were at,
and they were having a blast.
They had boats, yachts,
money, champagne,
booty everywhere.
And I love booty,
especially
when it's everywhere.
I mean, champagne, yeah,
everything dawg.
So I was like, I wanna do
that, and that's what I did.
I got my first TV check,
and I flew all my homies
out there dawg,
and no one tells you
how expensive that is.
Jay-Z didn't rap about
that shit one time, nigga.
You should have told me how
much it cost to fly niggas
who are in between jobs
to Miami.
I did it anyway.
Regretted it so much.
But they got all out there.
Man, we had money.
We had champagne.
We had booty everywhere.
Like, not as much
booty as Jay-Z had.
He has a lot of money
for a long time.
This is my first check, fam.
Come on, chill.
I had half the
booty everywhere.
I didn't have all of it.
And it wasn't half
booties, though.
They were full booties,
just half the people.
It wasn't like one
woman was sitting there
with one cheek working
on the next cheek,
you know what I'm saying?
Although we do
support progress, so--
Anyway, we're
having a great time.
We had a yacht. At least
I think it was a yacht.
I'm from a landlocked state,
bitch.
I don't know
boats like that.
But it had yacht energy, nigga.
I called it a yacht
until somebody was like,
this ain't a yacht,
it's a boat, and I was like,
walk the plank, bitch.
You know?
Nah, nigga, fuck that.
And I pushed his ass off.
He ain't never been back.
I ain't never seen him again.
He's in the ocean now.
Champagne, money everywhere,
booty.
I'm crying hard,
and that is not what
Jay-Z did in the video at all.
You don't even have
to have seen the video
to know Jay-Z didn't do that.
I don't know if
you've ever cried
next to a woman twerking
with all her might,
but it's not cool looking.
[crying]
Go ahead, girl.
[mimics smack]
Meanwhile,
what's wrong with him?
Soon as we docked, bro, I had
to see what was going on.
I had to talk to
my White friends.
I'm like, how you find
a therapist?
They're like, well, sometimes
you gotta go through a few
until you find the one
that's right for you.
It's like dating.
I'm like, OK,
well what if
I find a Black therapist,
someone who can speak
to my life experience,
you know what I mean?
And I tell them all my
deepest and darkest shit
and then all of a
sudden we break up,
'cause that's what
happens in relationships,
and then I gotta see
this nigga at a barbecue
or a kickback,
and he telling all the hoes
I'm crazy about a potato salad.
I don't need that
kind of pressure.
So I picked Deborah,
White as hell, 75,
hair on her chin.
She don't know nobody I know.
You can have all
my secrets, Deborah.
I'm triggered as hell,
my nigga.
We do not run in the same
circles, me and Deborah.
My circle:
rappers, degenerates.
Her circle: dead, probably.
I don't know.
I don't know who that
lady hanging out with.
Shit, she's 75,
I don't know,
Joe Biden,
Benjamin Franklin,
I don't know.
Deborah's my nigga,
she just can't say it back.
I don't care how close we get.
I don't care how many
breakthroughs I have.
Watch your mouth, Deborah.
Sometimes I like to
end our sessions,
you know, just keeping
her on her toes,
you know what I mean?
Sometimes I'm like, hey
Deborah, hey, before you go,
you my nigga, dawg.
She's like, ha ha!
And you're my client.
Don't forget to Venmo, player.
Always about the money with
this motherfucker, man.
All my therapy sessions
have been over Zoom.
So I don't know if my
therapist has legs.
Now I assume she has legs,
because everybody in my life
has legs.
But I also know there's
a legless community,
because I'm not ignorant.
Wake up.
I love telling
White people to wake up.
Especially when
they're already awake.
You ever try to tell somebody
to sit down
when they're on their way
to sitting down?
Me and my friends used to
do each other all the time.
As soon as I was sitting down,
they'd be like,
sit your ass down.
I'm like, nigga,
I stand up forever!
Fuck you!
'Cause I started therapy in
the middle of the pandemic,
man, and it was crazy.
I'm glad we all get to
kind of be in the same room
again to kind of get back
to a sense of normalcy, bro.
[cheers and applause]
For real.
And by normalcy, I mean
getting back to remembering
there's other ways to die.
Because COVID had it
locked down, my nigga.
Like, it was locked.
For two years straight,
it was COVID death,
COVID death,
COVID death,
to the point where I saw
a dude die from a car crash,
I was like, good for him.
You know what I mean?
Truly, man.
There's no visual proof
that Deborah has legs, dawg.
She's never walked
into a Zoom ever.
That's not Zoom etiquette.
Everybody who got
a Zoom starts settled.
That's Zoom etiquette.
You start settled.
I've never started a Zoom with
my dick in the camera like,
oh shit, my bad y'all.
My bad y'all.
Never.
I tried to trick her one time.
I got smart one day.
I tried to trick her like
somebody was in a house
so she'd get up to go check.
I was like, damn, ooh Deborah,
somebody in your house.
She's like,
ain't nobody back there.
Fuck!
Just tell me if you
have legs bitch, damn.
I meet her in three weeks for
the first time in real life,
and if she don't have legs, I
have to act like I knew that.
And you know what that means.
You know we've all been
in a situation where you
show up and somebody
got some shit you ain't expect.
You know the rules.
Full eye contact.
Don't look down.
Don't even use your legs
until she uses her legs.
If y'all ordered chicken
together--
breasts only, nigga.
And my therapist
can't stand that joke.
And I think it's 'cause
that bitch don't got legs,
you know what I'm saying?
Don't high five that!
What's wrong with you?
Wow! Wow!
Man, that's the
equivalent of us
walking on a slave ship
thinking it's a cruise,
you know what I mean?
Deborah's the first person
to tell me I had anxiety.
I have ADHD, anxiety,
and depression,
[audience member hooting]
and I'm--
First of all, I didn't
know we had a gang.
What a wild gang that would be.
ADHD, nigga!
I can't focus on shit!
Nigga, you can never finish
a fight, niggas can't focus.
Thank you for making me
feel better about that.
Deborah was the first
person to tell me
I had anxiety, first person.
She was like, Chris, after
talking to you for a while,
I think what you
suffer from is anxiety.
And then I said,
say something
else about me, bitch!
Fuck you think this is?
Fuck you think this is,
Deborah?
She said, deflecting.
I'm like, you right.
Damn, bitch,
you good at this.
She told me one of my triggers
was passive aggression.
I don't like
passive aggression.
Mean what you say.
Say what you mean.
I don't like passive
aggression at all,
and I worked a lot of jobs.
[applause]
A lot of victims
of passive aggression.
A lot of office jobs--
Yes.
No, for real, and it runs
rampant in office jobs.
White people, y'all know
'cause y'all the masters
of passive aggression.
Y'all love being
the masters of stuff.
Anyway--
I didn't write history, nigga.
So I was working at
this Office Max right,
and it got so
passive aggressive.
At one point I stood
up and I was like,
I'd rather go back
to selling crack
than deal with this passive
aggressive bullshit y'all on.
And I know that's crazy
to yell at your job
or anywhere ever,
but for that brief moment
I meant that shit.
'Cause, listen, there's a lot
of risks to selling crack,
all right, like other gangsters
selling crack,
police looking for people
selling crack,
math, but--
the thing you do not
ever have to worry about
is passive aggression.
I've never met a passive
aggressive drug dealer
or gangster in my life.
I've never been selling
drugs in a rival gangster's
territory and he walks up like,
[laughs derisively]
I guess we sell drugs
wherever we want to these days.
Oh, no, do your thing, playa.
[laughs]
Check your email, nigga.
I've never seen that
a day in my life.
Is this your lady right here?
- Yeah.
- How long y'all been together?
- 15 years.
[cheers and applause]
I love love, man.
So, how'd y'all meet?
- So just to recap,
I asked this nigga,
where'd y'all meet?
He's like,
we met at a, uh...uh...
a party.
Sound like an orgy to me.
Hey girl, where you from?
Shit, you know where
I'm from, brother.
Shit, we should talk later.
One second.
[grunting]
Morphin' time.
I don't know why I
thought when you cum
you yell like a Power Ranger.
My parents been
together for 40 years.
I think that's
the accurate number.
Thank you for clapping.
I'll let them know you did.
I had nothing to do with it.
I've been trying to
break 'em up for years.
No, I'm playing.
No, it's cool.
We just never
talked about mental health.
We never talked about that
type of shit, you know.
So I knew I had
a lot of resentment
and I knew I was gonna
come back to them, right?
I had spent some time
with Deborah.
I had to have tough
conversations with my parents.
And I called them,
and I just knew they wasn't
gonna be ready for this.
I was like, hey,
we gon have
some tough conversations,
'cause I got a lot of
built up resentment,
and we need to work through it.
So y'all better be ready.
You ever been mad expecting
somebody to push back,
and they don't at all?
They were like, whenever
you're ready to talk,
we're ready to listen.
I'm already mad, nigga.
I've decided I'm mad.
I'm like, what?
They're like, whenever
you're ready to talk,
we're ready to have
the tough conversations.
I'm like, nigga, what the
fuck is going right now?
And I couldn't stop
being mad, so now
we're just talking
about regular shit
and I sound mad as hell.
I'm like,
so what y'all cooking later?
You know what I mean, just--
I would always lose complain
offs with my friends.
Always, 'cause I had two
parents, you know what I mean?
If you don't know what
a complain off is,
a complain off is when you're
sitting in a circle with
your friends and all y'all are
complaining about your life
until some sad motherfucker
wins,
and everybody's like,
yeah, nigga, that's fucked up.
You take it.
But they lose, too, 'cause they
have to go back to that life
after the game over.
Don't know why we
played this game.
I would always lose, man.
My cousin Trey
would always come in like,
Chris you don't know shit about
struggle, dawg,
you got two parents, my nigga.
Like, I ain't even
know my dad, my nigga,
and my mom had to work
three jobs and shit, dawg.
So it was me raising
me and my fucking
sisters and brothers since
I was 10 years old, Chris.
You don't know shit about that.
And I was like, fair.
We weren't even talking
about that, dawg.
We were in here playing
"Mario Kart"
'cause we are children.
But it ain't always sweet.
You ever have two people
not believe in your
dreams equally?
You have one person like,
you ain't going to be shit.
Somebody else already libs,
sure ain't.
That's fucked up.
People think I'm living
my dream right now.
Like, what was your
dream as a kid?
What's your name?
- Carter, what do
you do right now?
- You're a surgeon?
- Wow.
[applause]
- Now are you a single surgeon?
- Not for long.
[laughter, applause]
As soon as this nigga said
surgeon, pussy got wet.
Ooh!
Oh, damn.
I got a cut right here.
When you were a kid,
what was your kid dream?
- You wanna do this?
You wanna talk shit?
But your parents
like you're a surgeon?
- You just sucked at this?
- So you were like,
I'm gonna just
put people together, then.
He's like, knock, knock.
Who's there?
A surgeon, I guess
'cause I suck at this.
That's fire, man.
I mean, your backup
plan was an amazing job.
This nigga looking
like he sad, nigga.
This nigga be cutting
people up to Donell Jones.
Where I wanna be
[vocalizing]
People think I'm living
my dream right now, man,
'cause I'm on "SNL."
People think I'm
living my dream.
[cheers and applause]
I'm living White
people's dreams.
See, I know I'm having a great
time, but y'all love "SNL"
on a different level.
White people love "SNL"
in a way
that, like, if there was a flag
to put on your house
you would have it
with, like, the years that you
actually watched the show.
'Cause only White "SNL"
fans run up to me like,
ooh, you're living
your dream, Chris!
And I'm like,
first of all get off me.
Second of all, dream?
Chill.
I'm grateful.
I'm very blessed.
It's changed my life,
but dream?
You think I be 5'6"
in my dreams?
Nigga, no.
I be 6'10" with wings.
Same size dick,
fucking in the sky.
That's a dream.
No, my first dream was to
be a basketball player.
Do you know how
good you gotta be
at 5'6" to make it to the NBA
only to be remembered as the
little nigga that survived?
What kind of legacy is that?
Muggsy Bogues--
- Yup.
- Uh-huh, yup. You said yup.
You don't know
one motherfuckin' stat
about Muggsy Bogues.
All you know is that
little nigga made it.
And that's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
Now add on top of
that the fact that I'm
not good at basketball.
Some would say it's
an impossible task.
Then my parents gonna move us
to the motherfuckin' suburbs.
So I'm in a White high school
playing with these
racists who think I'm good
just 'cause I'm Black.
I felt like Rosa Parks,
Martin Luther King.
Because the stereotype was
niggas can play basketball.
Well, I was there to show
them not every one of us.
[cheers and applause]
I swear to God I was
sitting there bro,
and I was sitting there
waiting to get picked.
They picked me first.
They were like, you.
I'm like, you're
going to regret that.
Right before the game started
I was like, hike,
just to fuck 'em up,
you know what I mean? Just to--
I was terrible
at that shit, man.
I remember asking my dad
for a basketball hoop.
He was like, nigga, for what?
Because I want to
play basketball.
Nigga, for who?
The NBA.
What that stand for?
No, Boy, Ah-uh.
The dream I chased a long
time was being a rapper.
From 10 to 23, no one
could tell me I wasn't
gonna be a rapper, bro.
Nobody could tell
me except time.
Time told me pretty abruptly.
I appreciate it so much,
'cause I still write
and all that shit,
but a lot of what I did there
helps me what I do now.
But some stuff doesn't
cross over, you know?
Like how you hold the mic.
This is a very
comedic way to hold
a motherfucking microphone.
Y'all know by the way
I'm holding this mic
that some jokes is coming,
but if I was to
hold the mic like this,
that's a different
motherfucking energy, nigga.
You ever been to
a Walgreens, bitch?
Like, no one needs that.
The other thing
that's different
is the way we talk
to our haters.
Now there's some
similarities, you know.
Battle rap and roasting,
pretty much aligned.
But rap is always
cooler about shit, you know.
The first time I heard
a rapper address a hater
was at the beginning of a song,
it was Biggie.
He was like, this for the
third grade teacher
who said I would never be shit,
and I thought that was dope.
I would do that all the
time on my rap tracks.
Like, this is for the
motherfuckers who said I
would never be shit in music.
But see my haters
were right, and that's
a very different rap song.
You know, this is for
all the people who said I
would never be shit in music.
Y'all nailed that, damn.
Crazy.
I wanted to be a gangster.
Man, I asked my
big cousin, Trey,
come on, cuz, I wanna
be in the game.
He's like, all right, man,
I'ma introduce you
to my homie Chino.
If he think you're good, he's
going to get you some shit.
But if you don't
sell all that dawg,
it's gon' be a problem.
I'm like, I could
sell anything.
I can sell water to a whale.
This is a kid who has
never seen a whale before.
So we get there to
Chino's house, right.
We're sitting in Chino's house.
Chino has a gun all
the time, you know.
And I was like, hey what's
up, Chino, how are you doing.
He's like, ain't no
shake hands, my nigga.
So you're trying
to sell that shit?
I'm like, yeah.
Like, all right, I'ma
give you this.
If you don't sell
all that...
[imitates gunshot]
And I looked at my big
cousin like, obviously you're
not gonna let him cap me
And he was like, mm?
I'm like that's not the res--
No, wait!
But I was too confident, and
I also had the shit to prove.
I lived in the suburbs.
I had to commute to the hood.
That is not a gangster
way to travel.
I was sitting on the
train like, we gon'
be there in a minute.
And I went and sold crack
for one week.
I sold a lot of drugs.
I sold weed.
I was pretty good at that
till I started smoking
most of it.
And I sold crack for one week.
You know, I had to
get out the game.
You gotta like
who you work with.
I don't know if you know
this, but crack heads?
Unpredictable, you know?
I was in high school, nigga.
I had homework.
I had shit to do.
These niggas don't have stuff.
I sold one bag to
this crackhead,
and he was like, thank you.
I closed the door.
This nigga said,
ding dong, nigga.
I'm like, dawg,
I just sold it to you.
He's like, mm-mm,
that was another man.
No, it wasn't.
It was you.
Also, I don't have a doorbell.
Why are you just
saying ding dong?
But I remember bringing
that shit back to him.
I brought all the crack back.
And my nigga,
from the trenches,
you know that's not
how drug dealing works.
Crack don't come with
a receipt, nigga.
You can't bring it back.
Bro, I brought that shit back.
I set it down on the table
like, hey, Chino,
here you go.
I sold a little bit, and
that's what I got from that.
I'm out the game, Chino.
There's not a piece of
crack missing from that.
I didn't even
talk like a nigger
who knew how to sell drugs.
He's like hey, yo,
sorry, but, like, you know
what has to happen now.
He stood up.
I stood up.
He showed me the pistol.
It was sitting in there.
I was like, uh, come on,
Chino, it's right there.
You can just sell
that shit yourself.
No, no, nigga. I told you.
[imitates gunshot]
I'm like, but what if we don't
[imitates gunshot], nigga?
What if we do
something different?
He's like, no,
turn around, nigga.
I'm like, no.
Absolutely not, 'cause listen.
This is a tense moment.
If I'm about to
get shot, I'm not
about to fuckin' turn around.
No, nigga you have to--
nigga, hit me.
Hit me, nigga.
Hope you can shoot
a moving target, nigga.
So he's like, turn around.
I'm like, no.
Turn around!
No!
Then he pulled the gun out.
It was just the handle.
I'm like, Chino.
He's like, that's why
I wanted you to turn around,
so I can go get my real gun.
He ran to get his real gun.
I ran home to my grandma house.
I got to grandma's house.
He knocked on the door.
My grandma came out
with a Desert Eagle.
She was like, Chino, take
your little bitch ass home.
You better be in
church tomorrow.
And that joke is about
women's strength, really.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man, I wanted to
be a gangster so bad.
I love the way like weed is
right now bro, edible-wise.
Like, I know Saint Louis,
y'all in that gray area.
Y'all in that gray
area right now, right?
It's jus--Chicago,
we was in that gray area
a long time, the gray area
is terrible for us,
Black people, because you
gotta know where you stand,
and that gray area is weird.
It's like, it's
decriminalized but illegal.
Then what the fuck
do I do, nigga?
See, right now you could
be like, whoop-whoop. Uh-oh!
Hide the weed, I think.
You know what I mean?
Like, you--
ohh, you in trouble.
Am I going to jail?
You're not not going to jail.
Can I go home?
You can't.
Well--mm-mm.
It's a weird place to be at
man, especially because weed
is the edibles game right now.
We in the Jetsons as far as
edibles are concerned, dawg.
The technological advancements
of weed is fire, bro.
Are you kidding me?
You can have any snack
you like with weed in it.
That's crazy.
Chocolate chip cookie--
tastes like
a chocolate chip cookie.
Weed is in there.
Nigga, how?
Surgeon?
Shit's amazing,
'cause I come from an era
where you had to buy weed
cookies from a grown man
that does not bake.
Y'all ever had to
walk in a trap house
and buy weed cookies from
a grown gangster making cookies
for the first time?
Yo, these gonna be good
as hell, my nigga.
No they not, Marcus.
That's a macaroni pie.
That is not how you
make cookies, dawg.
Yeah, I ate them.
I'm paying for that weed.
Of course I'm gonna
eat those cookies,
but they were terrible.
They taste nasty.
And like old macaroni.
You ain't cleaned the pot?
My teeth were green like I was
eating lawnmower clippings.
I'm high, but at
what cost, ma'am?
They taste good,
that also causes a problem.
Because, see,
a nigga like me,
I like to get high
in the TSA line,
especially when it's busy,
'cause by the time
I get on the plane,
they kicking in.
Plane taking off,
I'm taking off,
we all getting high together,
you know what I'm saying?
[cheers and applause]
You know?
I'm building community.
So sometimes I finish
my snack cookie.
I remember I was like,
mmm, snack cookie done.
Reach in my bag,
get my weed cookie.
Then I pulled out an unopened
package of snack cookies,
and I was like, what?
How are y'all still here?
Is this "Inception"?
'Cause I just ate you niggas.
And then I realized
I was talking
to fuckin' cookies,
telltale sign you must
be high as a motherfucker.
So I became a detective
and I reached in my bag
to pull out the evidence,
see how much
weed I ate by accident,
and it said 550 milligrams.
Oh, some of y'all
do weed math, too.
If you don't, it's a lot,
motherfucker.
I lost my heartbeat
for five minutes straight.
Could not find that bitch.
Ohh!
Where's the beat, nigga?
Where's the beat?
I was like a deaf
rapper in the booth.
Nigga, where's the beat?
I can't find the beat.
I asked the dude behind me
what my heart beat was, dawg.
Like, where's my heartbeat at,
yo?
That boy was saying, huh?
It's 6:45 in the morning.
I turn back around
like, he don't know
where my heartbeat at.
Like it was his fault.
I was losing my
fuckin' mind, dawg.
I was getting higher
by the second,
and I was just seeing shit.
I got all type
of shit going on.
My ADHD got me paying
attention to dumb shit.
I saw the motherfucking
dawg come around.
I know this nigga
sniffs for bombs,
but I'm thinking
this thing's gonna get up
on two hind legs like,
that nigga high.
Ruff. You know, like dogs do.
My anxiety is like, nigga
what if they find out
about everything you ever did?
How?
And my depression's
like, hey nigga,
remember the last time
you cried in the bathtub?
Like, no.
I never cry in the bathtub.
Nigga, I was crying
and I got in the tub
eventually, nigga.
That's different.
But then I started
talking to myself.
We've all been too high before,
or the people that
are in here who've been high.
You know what it is.
You got to talk to yourself
nigga, like an adult.
Like hey, hey,
come on motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, nigga! Come on.
You are Christopher Redd.
You've been high before,
thousands of times.
Get yourself together.
This ain't the
first time, nigga.
Be normal.
Be normal!
You know what normal
people don't do?
Yell, be normal, to yourself
in a fucking airport.
Because I thought I was
thinking this shit, my nigga.
I thought I was really
up here with it.
No.
I yelled, be normal, bro.
Be normal!
The dude in front of
me was like, what?
I was like, me, me. Mm-mm.
I'm bugging, bro.
I'm losing my shit.
Then the line starts moving,
and my head goes crazy.
Oh, shit, line moving, nigga.
Walk normal.
Walk normal!
Yo, say, hi.
Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
Hi.
Nigga, you are not a Nazi.
What are you doing?
But I did that for 35 minutes.
I said, what's up,
good morning,
to the same motherfucker
35 times.
Yo, but the last time
I said that shit bro,
last time I said this shit this
motherfucker lost his mind.
He was like, it's not
a good morning no more, dawg!
But I was too high.
I didn't even know
I was the cause of his anger,
nigga.
I saw him do that and I was
like, damn, he stressed out.
He need a cookie.
I was high as shit.
So normal things
that annoy me--
which is a lot of things--
were annoying me even more.
Plane was delayed.
Fuckin' hate plane delays.
No, why I hate 'em? Not just
'cause you have to wait,
not 'cause it just pushes
your schedule, because it's
the hypocrisy in it.
Like, if we all were late to
our flights, what happens?
That motherfucker is gone.
But if the pilot's late,
we just
sitting in there eating chips
on a dirty fucking carpet.
And I've never seen
a pilot rush.
I've never seen a late pilot
be like, oh,
I'm so sorry, y'all.
[panting]
I slept in.
My bad.
Never.
They always walk calmly,
like, thank you
for your patience.
Bitch, I'd knock
your ass out if you
don't fly this goddamn plane.
Thank you for your patience.
I don't have a choice.
So I remember
they came through.
We finally got on the goddamn
plane, man,
and the pilot get on,
uh, thank you for
choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, just spoke to tower, says
we're 10th in line to take off.
It's gonna be about
an hour and a half wait.
Sorry for the further
delay, and thank you
again for your patience.
If we have any updates,
we'll update you.
Thank you again
for choosing Delta.
And I was upset.
I was high.
So the first thing that came
out was, fuck tower, nigga.
Fuck that nigga, tower, dawg.
Now I know that's the job,
you know what I'm saying?
But for once, I want
a pilot for the people.
I want a pilot to
get on the intercom,
be like, uh, thank you for
choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, this is your captain
speaking.
Just spoke to tower.
We're about 10th in
line to take off.
It's gonna be about
an hour and a half wait.
Tower doesn't realize
I'm a real nigga
and I do real things all day.
We'll be in the
air in five minutes
'cause I don't play that shit.
Fuck all that.
West Side!
Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh!
He's hanging out the plane.
Move, motherfucker, I'm next.
Sometimes he don't
even land all the way.
He just hover like,
yo, jump out.
You're going to Kansas.
That's the pilot
I wanna die with.
Oh, you die with that nigga.
- Try United!
- Say what?
- United?
Who said that?
You said try United?
Do you think that
was my problem?
Do you think I just never
switched up airlines, nigga?
Like, oh, Delta,
please do right.
But I'm not in
a bad relationship.
Delta, do right by me.
Delta!
When you were a kid,
what'd you want to be?
- She ain't have no dreams.
- First of all, what's
very funny about this is
I asked her that, and before
she could answer it
this nigga here said,
she ain't got no dreams.
Whoo!
That's the kind of hate
I can get behind, nigga.
That's lewd.
What?
I ain't never heard
a nigga, from afar,
hear somebody say
some shit and be like,
that bitch ain't got no dreams.
The only thing that
would make that better
if I asked you what you do,
you was like, a sleep doctor.
What do you do, bro?
- You're an
admissions counselor?
- Yeah.
- You must be fucking--
Hey, hey, hold on.
You must be brutal, nigga.
Hey, what's up man?
So what you coming
to college for, man?
I wanna be a lawyer.
Mm-mm.
No, you don't.
You ever tried janitor?
So the plane's
taking off, right?
Yeah we're having
fun in here for sure.
So the plane's taking off.
I'm taking off.
'Cause we all know if
you've ever been too high,
there's a moment where
you start to come down.
You think you're coming
down right before it gets
way the fuck worse.
So I'm having that moment
as we're taking off as I
planned, so I'm feeling good.
I feel like I'm
floating, dawg, you know?
I'm like, oh man,
this is amazing.
But I was doing
this in real life.
I don't know if
you've ever done this shit
next to a person on a plane,
but they don't like it.
Dude sitting next to
me was the same dude
lost his mind in the TSA line.
He's like, yo what is
wrong with you, man?
And I couldn't be
nothing but honest.
I was like, damn nigga,
you can see that?
I thought that was how
I felt, nigga, my bad.
But that wasn't even
the highest thing
I did on that flight, bro.
Because at one point I
stopped the flight attendant
to ask her where
the plane is landing.
Do you know how high
you gotta be
to ask a flight attendant
where the plane is landing,
casually,
like you're asking for peanuts?
'Cause I did it.
I stopped like,
hey, excuse me ma'am.
Where's the plane landing?
And she looked at me
for a long time.
She's like, what?
Then I clarified.
The plane--where is it landing?
I clarified the plane,
like that was
the problem with the question.
And she was like, Utah, sir.
Nigga, for what?
Who's there?
And I was scared
for real, niggas.
I ain't know what
the fuck a Utah was.
As a Black man that
travels the world,
you gotta know what
kind of White people
are gonna be
in a place because
of history at any point ever.
Read a book, you know?
So then I hit my friend up.
I was like, yo, I'm going to
Utah to do some shows man.
What's the vibe like out there?
And then he was like,
don't give up.
Fuck are you talking about?
I'm going to do shows.
He's like, nigga for who?
Who's out there?
So he didn't help.
So I got out there and I
realized who's out there,
you know what I'm saying?
I met different types of
people that I had never met
in my life before in person.
Meth heads, and I had never
seen a meth head in person.
Only in "Breaking Bad" and
Netflix documentaries,
which I think
was just "Breaking Bad."
Very different for me.
Chicago, we have some of the
best crackheads in the world.
If there was an Olympic
games for crackheads,
we'd win every year
for events like
leaning but never falling.
You know what I'm saying?
You ever seen a crackhead
almost fall for 15 minutes?
That shit is amazing.
Nigga, look at
the nigga ankles.
Oh, the strength in that nigga
ankles, he going for the gold.
A meth head was a completely
different experience.
First of all,
they were mostly White.
I was like, whoa.
Second of all,
it was a different high.
He was like, yo,
give me a dollar brother.
And before I could
get the dollar out
he took off running full speed.
I was confused.
I'm like how do you
get the dollar, fam?
Are you gonna lap
back around the block?
I don't understand.
And then I saw him later
trying to lift
a Nissan Altima
with his bare hands.
So it's a different
kind of drug.
And Mormons and like--what?
Like, I know they got
a book on Broadway,
but them niggas different.
That shit crazy to me.
OK, so a Mormon comic came
to pick me up
from the airport, right.
So we had a good
conversation about Mormonism,
'cause I had
never cared before.
Oh, I know you all care
about everything, nigga.
I can't.
I ain't got the time.
We had a good conversation
about it man, you know?
And he was like, well we
can't have sex until marriage.
I'm like damn, that sucks
'cause sex is dope.
And he's like,
well there are loopholes.
And that's when I said,
what?
He's like, there are loopholes.
Oh, I heard what you said.
I just don't know
what that means, fam.
And he was like,
well, Jesus says
you can't have
sex with a vagina,
but no one said
anything about the butt.
And then that's when I said,
whose Jesus is this?
Not my Jesus.
You got a ratchet Jesus, sir.
Your Jesus is from New Jersey.
Your Jesus came back on Monday,
a day late, with an open robe
and some frantic energy.
Whoo! It got crazy
up there, saints.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, water to wine.
Fuck that butt. See you
on Christmas, all right?
It's your boy!
How long have y'all
been together?
- 10 months?
Oh, that's fresh as hell.
I don't fuck with
couples under a year,
you know what I'm saying?
Anything can break
you niggas up.
How did y'all meet?
- Your friend's Tinder?
- It was your face,
but her Tinder?
So your friend was
catfishing with your face,
and she tried to catfish
this nigga and you were like,
mm, I got this bitch.
Move out the way.
I love love. I really do, man.
I really love love a lot.
I think about my
parents all the time.
It's probably why I love love,
because I've seen two people
in love, you know what I mean?
And I think you ask anyone
in love, they're like,
well, the thing is
communication and loyalty.
But I also think a major
part of being in love
for a long time is pettiness.
You need a masterful
amount of pettiness
in a relationship
in a good one.
Because I've seen
good couples outside.
Only good couples can do shit
like fight in the morning
and still go out that
same day 'cause you
already bought tickets.
You know what I'm saying?
We've seen these couples
outside at Olive Gardens
and Olive Gardens,
mostly Olive Gardens.
I worked at an Olive Garden.
But you always see 'em--
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Table for two, please.
It's my only day off.
Don't embarrass me in here.
Shit's real, bro.
I really think that.
I think the worst love story of
all time is "Romeo and Juliet."
I think that's
the worst, Whitest
love story of all time.
My family doesn't
like your family.
Let's kill ourselves.
Nigga, what?
That's some bullshit.
I've been in real love, man.
Families don't get along
all the fuckin' time.
You don't go home and end it.
That's insane, you
immature motherfucker.
I've been in real love.
My girl had to come home
like, let's kill ourselves
for love.
I'd be like--
[chuckles]
You go first.
I'm right behind you.
The poison's right here. Ahh!
That wouldn't work out.
I'm Black in America
you know what I mean?
Cops show up.
She dead, I'm not.
How that look?
You're saying she
killed herself, sir?
For love, Officer.
Heard of it?
Why you ain't kill yourself?
Someone has to tell our story.
I will not be forgotten.
In this story, I do have hair.
You should never hit a woman.
Transition.
Smooth as shit.
I believe that firmly.
You should never hit a woman.
I've been raised
to believe that,
and I agreed when I grew up.
Another thing I agree
with we don't understand,
though, is my dad
always said, now, Son,
when you walk with a woman
outside after a date you walk
on the outside
closest to the street,
she walks on the inside.
Because that's
what gentlemen do.
Because just in case
a car jumps the curb,
you can stop it with your
love or some dumb shit.
It don't make no sense.
Even if I was getting
robbed on the street,
they're not coming from
my side to be polite.
That's insane.
But I do it anyway.
I don't understand.
But that's how
raising works, right?
Your parents instill some
shit, and you get older
and you're like,
mm-hmm, I still agree.
I would never do that,
not built like that,
I would never even
think about it,
even though I have met some
women where I was like,
I get it.
But I would never do it.
I would never do it.
I promise you, I've thrown
people out of my life
for this shit, bro, for real.
Like I had a cousin and
one of my best friends
I had to throw
out my life, bro.
I had to pull him off his
girlfriend several times.
Our last conversation
I was like,
dawg, if you keep doing this
shit I can't be around you,
can't associate myself
with you at all.
He was like, Chris I know
I got a problem, man.
It's just sometimes she
just makes me so mad, dawg,
and so I throw her in traffic.
Nigga, what?
You wanna throw
her in traffic?
That's crazy, my nigga.
Because traffic is still.
You not even
hurting her, nigga.
She's just in the way.
How you bad and dumb?
Get the fuck out
of my house, dawg.
I hate that shit, bro.
I'll tell you the story.
So we were in Chicago.
Negative 20 degrees,
broad nighttime.
We were both drunk.
I was driving.
Shouldn't have been.
It was illegal.
What you gonna do, go back
in time, "Minority Report" me?
Shut the fuck up.
I'm deflecting, I'm sorry.
Deborah would say
I'm deflecting.
So we're having a fight.
I'm trying to get
her back in the car.
And I was like, yo,
just get in the car.
We'll talk about this at home.
She's like, nuh uh,
fucking get away from me.
I'll smack the shit
out of you, Chris.
I'm like, no you won't.
Then she did it
because she's goal oriented.
Also I was high as hell,
cocky about it,
and real slow to react.
Like, I saw the smack coming
I was like,
we got more time.
No, we don't.
No, we don't.
Also, who is we?
I'm sitting there with
a freshly smacked face.
She's like, you ain't
gonna do nothing Chris,
'cause you was raised right.
Like, what the fuck kind
of shit is that to say?
That's attacking all my ego.
Now I gotta kill this bitch,
you know what I'm saying?
Obviously I didn't do that.
That'd be crazy to
fucking kill someone
and then do a tour about it.
What am I, a '90s rapper?
No.
So I obviously didn't do that,
you know what I'm saying?
Then she started getting cocky.
If you ever hit somebody, you
know, once you hit somebody,
it connects,
you start getting fuckin'--
You think you Mayweather.
She swung again,
this time hard as hell,
and I could see it coming.
And I ducked, and she
twirled and the sound
she made when she twirled
is a sound I've never
heard from anyone again.
She twirled, it was like,
whoa!
This is a grown Black
woman from Chicago.
Whoa!
Yeah, that's--
The fuck is that, dawg?
That's Porky Pig cumming, dawg.
That's what that is.
Whoa!
That's all folks.
And she twirled around,
she fell in the bushes
right behind her, dawg.
And I loved every second
of that.
'Cause I can't hit her,
I won't hit her.
But that bush, whew.
It was negative 20 degrees.
That bush--
no leaves, all sticks.
[audience oohs]
You heard the whole fall.
[imitates branches cracking]
Man, I love that bush.
Every time I go back to
Chicago, I drive by that bush
and I salute that
motherfuckin' bush.
Only Bush I would have voted
for, to be honest with you.
[applause]
And I looked up
to my cousin Trey.
He was the coolest,
like I told you all before.
I gave you a little
sample of that nigga.
But he was the dopest, he
was the most gangster, cool.
He had the most money,
girls, cars, all that.
He was also mean as hell,
and he definitely did
rob all of us at one point.
He was the type of guy
that robbed his family
before he took his
talents to the streets,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Take your $100, make you
look for it with him.
Like, it's weird, you know?
But I looked up to
this man because he was
the toughest dude, and
I was like, come on Trey,
let me be down,
like, nah, nah,
you fucked up the shit
with Chino, nigga,
you ain't even ready for this.
Like, no, come on man,
you know what I'm sayin',
I'm older now.
Let's go.
He was like, all right you
gotta be ready for whatever.
I'm like, when that day
come, when whatever come,
I'ma be fuckin' ready, cuz.
Three weeks later, we
walk into the corner store
you know, just get
some fucking candy
or whatever
the fuck I'm getting,
and then all of a sudden
my cousin pushed this dude.
Dude turn around,
who the fuck pushed me?
And I was like, I'm about
to see my cousin get it in.
This is dope.
And my cousin was like, he did.
And I was like--
Oh, whatever is here, nigga.
You know, he was like,
I'ma to fuck you up,
motherfucker.
And I didn't know what to say,
so all that came out was,
nah!
I thought that was
a good place to start.
I don't see
the outcome you see.
I don't know anybody
that starts a fight like,
I'ma fuck you up.
Yeah you are!
Make it quick,
you know, I don't know that.
I'm not that guy.
I said nah, but I knew
that nah wasn't enough.
I could tell by the
faces of everyone who
was watching the altercation.
My cousin's like, uh-huh.
I was like, oh, OK.
[clears throat]
So I just said what he said,
I'm like, no I'm a fuck you up.
Here's the thing
about me saying it,
is that I didn't make it to
"up," um--
So what I said
to this grown man was,
I'ma fuck you!
Which is
a very different message,
I think.
Now, the reason I didn't
get to "up" is because
he hit me so fast
in the throat.
I mean, directly in the middle,
and I farted right after that.
I don't know if you know
anything about the body,
but these two things
ain't connected at all.
You shouldn't get
hit here and--[imitates fart]
That shouldn't happen to you,
dawg.
Bro, it was crazy.
Did you ever sneeze
and fart at the same time,
and realize
you're not in control
of your life? You ever--
Achoo. [imitates fart]
What the fuck?
That has to be Jesus.
That's crazy.
I farted, bro, and it was wild.
Like, it pissed my cousin off.
He grabbed me
from under my arm,
dragged me all the way home.
And it was crazy.
I was being heckled
by the crackhead
across the street
'cause he saw
a very different fight
than the fight that went down.
He was like, that's right!
Don't let nobody fuck you!
You know, man, I was like
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And my cousin threw
me in the house.
Motherfucker, see, I told you
you ain't built for this shit.
Nigga, you out here getting
hit in your goddamn throat
and tootin'?
I'm like, tootin'?
This is a grown gangster,
killer for sure.
Tootin'?
Like a choo-choo train, nigga?
He's like, you tootin'!
It wasn't the right time
to make fun of the man,
but I kept it in here.
He ain't talk to me
for about half a year.
I thought my gangster career
was over with, truly.
And then he called me, right.
I put it on speakerphone,
'cause I
had been talking to my friends
who I play video games with.
I was like,
I'ma tell you, my cousin
gon' to call me, man,
and he's gonna let me
come back and prove myself.
Shit's gonna be dope.
Then he finally did.
I saw the call coming,
so we all
gathered around
the speakerphone,
put on speakerphone,
like what's up, cuz?
What's good?
I'm sittin' there frontin'
and then he says,
first line, he was like,
Hey, I found the nigga
you farted on.
I didn't fart on the nigga.
So I picked up the phone like,
hey, nigga,
you could say, hi, bro.
That works, too.
He's like, listen, yo,
you wanna roll with me
and my niggas, man, so you
go ahead and prove yourself?
I'm like, hell yeah, cuz,
I'm ready to redeem myself.
He was like,
you are not a coupon, nigga,
shut the fuck up.
I was like, right, right.
And then I got in the car.
I was in the middle
in the back seat.
It was two grown ass
motherfuckers that I just
knew rolled with my cousin,
there,
and my cousin was in
the passenger side,
and my other cousin
was driving the car.
And he's like, yo, they
right up the street.
So we gonna roll up
on these motherfuckers,
pop out, knock they ass out,
then we gonna
to go to McDonald's
for whatever reason.
So we riding for a while.
I'm like, yo, so they
right up the street?
He's like yeah,
they right up the street.
I'm like, all right,
it's a long street, nigga.
And then I had to pee,
so I had to ask him.
I was like yo, yo,
hey cuz, can we stop
so I can piss real quick?
He's like, hell no!
Only bitches pee.
I'm like that's
not true at all.
I know we gangsta, nigga,
but come on.
But the dude next to me
was so scared of my cousin.
He was like, I ain't never
peed a day in my life.
Like, who the fuck
is this idiot?
I'm like, come on, cuz,
stop so I can pee.
I ain't stopping, dawg,
so piss yourself.
What a terrible outfit
to wear to a fight.
They already know
me as fart boy.
Now I gotta show up
and waddle up in piss pants.
I'm not doing that.
I was like, come on stop.
He's like, we're not stopping,
and neither was this piss, so I
had to figure something out.
I saw this cup that was sitting
right there for a long time.
Nobody was drinking out of it.
I watched it for
five more minutes.
Nobody drank out of it
again, so I grabbed it.
It was pretty empty.
I made a wall with my coat.
A pee wall, if you will.
And I pissed in it, put the
cap back on, put it back
in the middle,
and I watched it to make sure
nobody drank out of it.
Also, if someone did,
I wasn't gon' say shit.
because I was terrified,
nigga, what?
But I was watching it like
I was gonna say shit,
but I wasn't gonna
say shit, though.
And no one touched it, though.
I was so glad.
Until the very end of the ride,
right before we got
to where we was going, man.
It was slow motion.
My cousin rolled the window
down, threw out the blunt,
then he did this.
[smacks lips]
The driest mouth in
the county, nigga.
Then he grabs it and takes the
biggest swig of that shit
I ever seen in my life.
Y'all acting like
y'all were there.
Shit was nasty, bro.
And he was like,
ugh, what the fuck?
He threw that shit
out the window like
who the fuck put
warm beer in my cup, bro?
And that's when I knew
for sure that my cousin
had never drank piss before.
[cheers and applause]
I'm glad y'all
proud of him, too.
I was gonna take that shit
to the grave with me, man,
but then my cousin got
locked up, so I feel safe.
I'm just playing.
I'm just playing.
I told him for real.
He did get locked up for
stuff he definitely did.
Now I'm not snitching,
it's public knowledge
at this point.
He's gone for a minute,
but we still fall for him.
And I don't know if
you know how fucked up
it is to know someone's
guilty but still
be out there with "Free Trey"
shirts, knowing he did it.
Free Trey!
Knowing that nigga guilty.
Free Trey!
He was definitely there.
Free Trey!
Planned the whole thing.
Because that was
like my family motto.
We ride for each other
regardless of the fact,
and that might put us in
some difficult situations,
but that's what we do.
And we're out there,
free Trey!
But in the back
of my mind, I was like,
take your time, though.
I was there
when his house got raided.
I didn't wanna be there,
you know what I'm saying?
They don't warn you
when they come in.
It's kinda they thing.
They pop up, surprise
party you never wanted.
All I know is it was, like,
the fifth time I was
ever high,
playing "Call of Duty."
And "Call of Duty" got
real IMAX 3D on a nigga.
'Cause as I was swinging in a
house with a gun on the game,
they swung in our
house with guns.
And I was like, damn.
PS2 is on some new shit.
Oh, these niggas are real.
I got on the ground.
They pushed my cousin
Trey to the wall,
they were like,
freeze, Trey Johnson,
you under arrest.
And that's when Trey
said the wildest thing
I've ever heard anyone say
to the police to their face.
He looked him
dead in their eyes
and he was like,
about time.
And everyone was
confused immediately.
what?
I think a bird stopped flying.
Like, nigga what?
He's like, you should
have caught me last year.
We was like, shut up!
You still gotta
go to court, fam.
It's gonna be
a slam dunk case.
And it was.
I've never seen somebody
go to jail that fast.
I think the prosecutor
wore sweat pants.
Nobody tried.
Even the cops were gonna
help this nigga out.
They were like, you do have
the right to remain silent,
my nigga.
Like, you won't silence me.
It was a confusing part
of Trey's takedown,
and I remember
when he went to jail,
a lot of people
wrote him off, you know.
I still put money on his books
and went to visit him,
'cause I just don't like the
thought of my fuckin' family
being alone, no matter
if they bad or not.
So I would go visit him, right?
And he was definitely
still an asshole about it.
I went to visit him he's like,
oh, look at this bitch ass
nigga Chris,
coming up seeing me.
Oh, bitch ass nigga.
[imitating farts]
Who am I?
I'm like, dawg, it wasn't even
that kind of fart, dawg.
You gotta chill.
And he's like, nah you're
the bitch that fart.
[imitating farts]
Look at your ass.
So I'm impulsive, so I lost it.
And I was like, that's why
you drank my pee nigga!
All right, here's the thing
about this
is, yes I
did do that weird ass
Morphin' time
Power Ranger shit,
but also, I definitely
forgot people
heard that out of context.
And it was so
weird for the room.
Everybody was like, oh,
we're done for the day, uh--
But what was
fucked up about it,
is as soon as I said that,
the look on his face,
he knew the exact day I
was fuckin' talking about.
It had been years.
The second I saw it,
he was like, I knew
that wasn't warm beer!
That nigga punched out a guard.
[imitates blow landing]
That guard didn't do anything.
We ain't talked
for months, man.
I thought we would
never talk again.
Then he hit me, you know,
to come visit him.
So I did.
And it was different, you know?
I pulled up, and he had
a whole different vibe.
He was like, hey cuz,
come sit down, boy.
Hey man, it's good
to see you, my nigga.
You look good.
So already I'm like,
what the fuck is this?
He's like, hey man,
I just wanna say, dawg,
like, man,
I got my GED in here.
You know, I got a job and shit.
I've been going to counseling.
Started working through
my shit, you know?
I'm a Muslim now.
I'm like, oh, congratulations.
He's like yeah, dawg,
I read the Bible every day.
I'm like,
that's the wrong book, um--
He in there a long time.
I ain't about to
fuck up his progress.
And he's like, yo, I just
wanna say, man, like
I know you looked up to me,
dawg,
and I didn't do right by you
as your big cousin, man,
and I apologize for that shit,
dawg, you know?
It was weirdly a sweet moment.
But I had to ask him, though,
I was like, yo, man,
when you got arrested, though,
cuz, like,
and you said, "About time,
should have caught
me last year."
Why did you say that?
And he was like, look man,
I only had two options.
I had a lot of guns upstairs,
could have lit that shit up,
went out like Scarface,
you know what I'm saying?
But you and my sister and
my brother was downstairs.
I couldn't put you
all through that shit,
so I knew it was my time to go.
But I wanted all them
niggas in that room to know.
All them cops. I want the all
them cops to know
they are very bad detectives.
And that's the level
of petty I want
in my relationship, nigga.
Because that's petty.
That's petty.
[cheers and applause]
My man went to jail for
life only to have cops
going to bed like, last year?
What did we miss?
You know?
[applause]
Hey, thank y'all so
motherfuckin' much!
I love you, St. Louis!
Peace!
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
- As a kid, what
was your kid dream?
- To party.
- To party?
That was your childhood dream?
Nigga's like, I wanna
be a basketball player.
I wanna be Superman.
I wanna party right here.
Turn it up, nigga,
I can't hear the beat.
Can you imagine
seeing that kid?
Recess is over.
It ain't never over, bitch!
- Why am I like this?
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Redd!
- I don't know why
I'm like this, nigga.
I'm trying to
figure it out, bro.
I really am.
I'm trying to figure out
why I'm like this shit,
you know.
I'm in therapy right now.
I thought therapy
was for White people.
I saw you trying to
clap for therapy.
Go ahead, girl.
[cheers and applause]
Go ahead, girl.
Oh, y'all late.
Y'all late.
Nigga, stop.
Y'all late.
You left this woman by herself.
She was clapping
with confidence,
like, oh I'm the only one,
bitch? Damn.
I thought therapy
was for White people.
I ain't gonna lie to y'all.
I thought it was for you,
White people.
I thought it was--
mm, triggered, y'all.
I thought it was you.
And then I got a little money.
I took my first vacation.
I realized,
oh, it's for people
with money and time.
White people just
had that first.
Sneaky motherfuckers.
I swear to God.
I knew I had a problem,
I knew I needed something.
I needed somebody to
talk to 'cause I was
living the best day
of my life,
and I was having
the worst time.
I always told myself
if I made a little money,
I was gonna relive
a day in my life
like Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
video.
"Big Pimpin'" is about
one man, Jay-Z.
He's out there with his best
friends in Miami
or wherever
the fuck they were at,
and they were having a blast.
They had boats, yachts,
money, champagne,
booty everywhere.
And I love booty,
especially
when it's everywhere.
I mean, champagne, yeah,
everything dawg.
So I was like, I wanna do
that, and that's what I did.
I got my first TV check,
and I flew all my homies
out there dawg,
and no one tells you
how expensive that is.
Jay-Z didn't rap about
that shit one time, nigga.
You should have told me how
much it cost to fly niggas
who are in between jobs
to Miami.
I did it anyway.
Regretted it so much.
But they got all out there.
Man, we had money.
We had champagne.
We had booty everywhere.
Like, not as much
booty as Jay-Z had.
He has a lot of money
for a long time.
This is my first check, fam.
Come on, chill.
I had half the
booty everywhere.
I didn't have all of it.
And it wasn't half
booties, though.
They were full booties,
just half the people.
It wasn't like one
woman was sitting there
with one cheek working
on the next cheek,
you know what I'm saying?
Although we do
support progress, so--
Anyway, we're
having a great time.
We had a yacht. At least
I think it was a yacht.
I'm from a landlocked state,
bitch.
I don't know
boats like that.
But it had yacht energy, nigga.
I called it a yacht
until somebody was like,
this ain't a yacht,
it's a boat, and I was like,
walk the plank, bitch.
You know?
Nah, nigga, fuck that.
And I pushed his ass off.
He ain't never been back.
I ain't never seen him again.
He's in the ocean now.
Champagne, money everywhere,
booty.
I'm crying hard,
and that is not what
Jay-Z did in the video at all.
You don't even have
to have seen the video
to know Jay-Z didn't do that.
I don't know if
you've ever cried
next to a woman twerking
with all her might,
but it's not cool looking.
[crying]
Go ahead, girl.
[mimics smack]
Meanwhile,
what's wrong with him?
Soon as we docked, bro, I had
to see what was going on.
I had to talk to
my White friends.
I'm like, how you find
a therapist?
They're like, well, sometimes
you gotta go through a few
until you find the one
that's right for you.
It's like dating.
I'm like, OK,
well what if
I find a Black therapist,
someone who can speak
to my life experience,
you know what I mean?
And I tell them all my
deepest and darkest shit
and then all of a
sudden we break up,
'cause that's what
happens in relationships,
and then I gotta see
this nigga at a barbecue
or a kickback,
and he telling all the hoes
I'm crazy about a potato salad.
I don't need that
kind of pressure.
So I picked Deborah,
White as hell, 75,
hair on her chin.
She don't know nobody I know.
You can have all
my secrets, Deborah.
I'm triggered as hell,
my nigga.
We do not run in the same
circles, me and Deborah.
My circle:
rappers, degenerates.
Her circle: dead, probably.
I don't know.
I don't know who that
lady hanging out with.
Shit, she's 75,
I don't know,
Joe Biden,
Benjamin Franklin,
I don't know.
Deborah's my nigga,
she just can't say it back.
I don't care how close we get.
I don't care how many
breakthroughs I have.
Watch your mouth, Deborah.
Sometimes I like to
end our sessions,
you know, just keeping
her on her toes,
you know what I mean?
Sometimes I'm like, hey
Deborah, hey, before you go,
you my nigga, dawg.
She's like, ha ha!
And you're my client.
Don't forget to Venmo, player.
Always about the money with
this motherfucker, man.
All my therapy sessions
have been over Zoom.
So I don't know if my
therapist has legs.
Now I assume she has legs,
because everybody in my life
has legs.
But I also know there's
a legless community,
because I'm not ignorant.
Wake up.
I love telling
White people to wake up.
Especially when
they're already awake.
You ever try to tell somebody
to sit down
when they're on their way
to sitting down?
Me and my friends used to
do each other all the time.
As soon as I was sitting down,
they'd be like,
sit your ass down.
I'm like, nigga,
I stand up forever!
Fuck you!
'Cause I started therapy in
the middle of the pandemic,
man, and it was crazy.
I'm glad we all get to
kind of be in the same room
again to kind of get back
to a sense of normalcy, bro.
[cheers and applause]
For real.
And by normalcy, I mean
getting back to remembering
there's other ways to die.
Because COVID had it
locked down, my nigga.
Like, it was locked.
For two years straight,
it was COVID death,
COVID death,
COVID death,
to the point where I saw
a dude die from a car crash,
I was like, good for him.
You know what I mean?
Truly, man.
There's no visual proof
that Deborah has legs, dawg.
She's never walked
into a Zoom ever.
That's not Zoom etiquette.
Everybody who got
a Zoom starts settled.
That's Zoom etiquette.
You start settled.
I've never started a Zoom with
my dick in the camera like,
oh shit, my bad y'all.
My bad y'all.
Never.
I tried to trick her one time.
I got smart one day.
I tried to trick her like
somebody was in a house
so she'd get up to go check.
I was like, damn, ooh Deborah,
somebody in your house.
She's like,
ain't nobody back there.
Fuck!
Just tell me if you
have legs bitch, damn.
I meet her in three weeks for
the first time in real life,
and if she don't have legs, I
have to act like I knew that.
And you know what that means.
You know we've all been
in a situation where you
show up and somebody
got some shit you ain't expect.
You know the rules.
Full eye contact.
Don't look down.
Don't even use your legs
until she uses her legs.
If y'all ordered chicken
together--
breasts only, nigga.
And my therapist
can't stand that joke.
And I think it's 'cause
that bitch don't got legs,
you know what I'm saying?
Don't high five that!
What's wrong with you?
Wow! Wow!
Man, that's the
equivalent of us
walking on a slave ship
thinking it's a cruise,
you know what I mean?
Deborah's the first person
to tell me I had anxiety.
I have ADHD, anxiety,
and depression,
[audience member hooting]
and I'm--
First of all, I didn't
know we had a gang.
What a wild gang that would be.
ADHD, nigga!
I can't focus on shit!
Nigga, you can never finish
a fight, niggas can't focus.
Thank you for making me
feel better about that.
Deborah was the first
person to tell me
I had anxiety, first person.
She was like, Chris, after
talking to you for a while,
I think what you
suffer from is anxiety.
And then I said,
say something
else about me, bitch!
Fuck you think this is?
Fuck you think this is,
Deborah?
She said, deflecting.
I'm like, you right.
Damn, bitch,
you good at this.
She told me one of my triggers
was passive aggression.
I don't like
passive aggression.
Mean what you say.
Say what you mean.
I don't like passive
aggression at all,
and I worked a lot of jobs.
[applause]
A lot of victims
of passive aggression.
A lot of office jobs--
Yes.
No, for real, and it runs
rampant in office jobs.
White people, y'all know
'cause y'all the masters
of passive aggression.
Y'all love being
the masters of stuff.
Anyway--
I didn't write history, nigga.
So I was working at
this Office Max right,
and it got so
passive aggressive.
At one point I stood
up and I was like,
I'd rather go back
to selling crack
than deal with this passive
aggressive bullshit y'all on.
And I know that's crazy
to yell at your job
or anywhere ever,
but for that brief moment
I meant that shit.
'Cause, listen, there's a lot
of risks to selling crack,
all right, like other gangsters
selling crack,
police looking for people
selling crack,
math, but--
the thing you do not
ever have to worry about
is passive aggression.
I've never met a passive
aggressive drug dealer
or gangster in my life.
I've never been selling
drugs in a rival gangster's
territory and he walks up like,
[laughs derisively]
I guess we sell drugs
wherever we want to these days.
Oh, no, do your thing, playa.
[laughs]
Check your email, nigga.
I've never seen that
a day in my life.
Is this your lady right here?
- Yeah.
- How long y'all been together?
- 15 years.
[cheers and applause]
I love love, man.
So, how'd y'all meet?
- So just to recap,
I asked this nigga,
where'd y'all meet?
He's like,
we met at a, uh...uh...
a party.
Sound like an orgy to me.
Hey girl, where you from?
Shit, you know where
I'm from, brother.
Shit, we should talk later.
One second.
[grunting]
Morphin' time.
I don't know why I
thought when you cum
you yell like a Power Ranger.
My parents been
together for 40 years.
I think that's
the accurate number.
Thank you for clapping.
I'll let them know you did.
I had nothing to do with it.
I've been trying to
break 'em up for years.
No, I'm playing.
No, it's cool.
We just never
talked about mental health.
We never talked about that
type of shit, you know.
So I knew I had
a lot of resentment
and I knew I was gonna
come back to them, right?
I had spent some time
with Deborah.
I had to have tough
conversations with my parents.
And I called them,
and I just knew they wasn't
gonna be ready for this.
I was like, hey,
we gon have
some tough conversations,
'cause I got a lot of
built up resentment,
and we need to work through it.
So y'all better be ready.
You ever been mad expecting
somebody to push back,
and they don't at all?
They were like, whenever
you're ready to talk,
we're ready to listen.
I'm already mad, nigga.
I've decided I'm mad.
I'm like, what?
They're like, whenever
you're ready to talk,
we're ready to have
the tough conversations.
I'm like, nigga, what the
fuck is going right now?
And I couldn't stop
being mad, so now
we're just talking
about regular shit
and I sound mad as hell.
I'm like,
so what y'all cooking later?
You know what I mean, just--
I would always lose complain
offs with my friends.
Always, 'cause I had two
parents, you know what I mean?
If you don't know what
a complain off is,
a complain off is when you're
sitting in a circle with
your friends and all y'all are
complaining about your life
until some sad motherfucker
wins,
and everybody's like,
yeah, nigga, that's fucked up.
You take it.
But they lose, too, 'cause they
have to go back to that life
after the game over.
Don't know why we
played this game.
I would always lose, man.
My cousin Trey
would always come in like,
Chris you don't know shit about
struggle, dawg,
you got two parents, my nigga.
Like, I ain't even
know my dad, my nigga,
and my mom had to work
three jobs and shit, dawg.
So it was me raising
me and my fucking
sisters and brothers since
I was 10 years old, Chris.
You don't know shit about that.
And I was like, fair.
We weren't even talking
about that, dawg.
We were in here playing
"Mario Kart"
'cause we are children.
But it ain't always sweet.
You ever have two people
not believe in your
dreams equally?
You have one person like,
you ain't going to be shit.
Somebody else already libs,
sure ain't.
That's fucked up.
People think I'm living
my dream right now.
Like, what was your
dream as a kid?
What's your name?
- Carter, what do
you do right now?
- You're a surgeon?
- Wow.
[applause]
- Now are you a single surgeon?
- Not for long.
[laughter, applause]
As soon as this nigga said
surgeon, pussy got wet.
Ooh!
Oh, damn.
I got a cut right here.
When you were a kid,
what was your kid dream?
- You wanna do this?
You wanna talk shit?
But your parents
like you're a surgeon?
- You just sucked at this?
- So you were like,
I'm gonna just
put people together, then.
He's like, knock, knock.
Who's there?
A surgeon, I guess
'cause I suck at this.
That's fire, man.
I mean, your backup
plan was an amazing job.
This nigga looking
like he sad, nigga.
This nigga be cutting
people up to Donell Jones.
Where I wanna be
[vocalizing]
People think I'm living
my dream right now, man,
'cause I'm on "SNL."
People think I'm
living my dream.
[cheers and applause]
I'm living White
people's dreams.
See, I know I'm having a great
time, but y'all love "SNL"
on a different level.
White people love "SNL"
in a way
that, like, if there was a flag
to put on your house
you would have it
with, like, the years that you
actually watched the show.
'Cause only White "SNL"
fans run up to me like,
ooh, you're living
your dream, Chris!
And I'm like,
first of all get off me.
Second of all, dream?
Chill.
I'm grateful.
I'm very blessed.
It's changed my life,
but dream?
You think I be 5'6"
in my dreams?
Nigga, no.
I be 6'10" with wings.
Same size dick,
fucking in the sky.
That's a dream.
No, my first dream was to
be a basketball player.
Do you know how
good you gotta be
at 5'6" to make it to the NBA
only to be remembered as the
little nigga that survived?
What kind of legacy is that?
Muggsy Bogues--
- Yup.
- Uh-huh, yup. You said yup.
You don't know
one motherfuckin' stat
about Muggsy Bogues.
All you know is that
little nigga made it.
And that's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
Now add on top of
that the fact that I'm
not good at basketball.
Some would say it's
an impossible task.
Then my parents gonna move us
to the motherfuckin' suburbs.
So I'm in a White high school
playing with these
racists who think I'm good
just 'cause I'm Black.
I felt like Rosa Parks,
Martin Luther King.
Because the stereotype was
niggas can play basketball.
Well, I was there to show
them not every one of us.
[cheers and applause]
I swear to God I was
sitting there bro,
and I was sitting there
waiting to get picked.
They picked me first.
They were like, you.
I'm like, you're
going to regret that.
Right before the game started
I was like, hike,
just to fuck 'em up,
you know what I mean? Just to--
I was terrible
at that shit, man.
I remember asking my dad
for a basketball hoop.
He was like, nigga, for what?
Because I want to
play basketball.
Nigga, for who?
The NBA.
What that stand for?
No, Boy, Ah-uh.
The dream I chased a long
time was being a rapper.
From 10 to 23, no one
could tell me I wasn't
gonna be a rapper, bro.
Nobody could tell
me except time.
Time told me pretty abruptly.
I appreciate it so much,
'cause I still write
and all that shit,
but a lot of what I did there
helps me what I do now.
But some stuff doesn't
cross over, you know?
Like how you hold the mic.
This is a very
comedic way to hold
a motherfucking microphone.
Y'all know by the way
I'm holding this mic
that some jokes is coming,
but if I was to
hold the mic like this,
that's a different
motherfucking energy, nigga.
You ever been to
a Walgreens, bitch?
Like, no one needs that.
The other thing
that's different
is the way we talk
to our haters.
Now there's some
similarities, you know.
Battle rap and roasting,
pretty much aligned.
But rap is always
cooler about shit, you know.
The first time I heard
a rapper address a hater
was at the beginning of a song,
it was Biggie.
He was like, this for the
third grade teacher
who said I would never be shit,
and I thought that was dope.
I would do that all the
time on my rap tracks.
Like, this is for the
motherfuckers who said I
would never be shit in music.
But see my haters
were right, and that's
a very different rap song.
You know, this is for
all the people who said I
would never be shit in music.
Y'all nailed that, damn.
Crazy.
I wanted to be a gangster.
Man, I asked my
big cousin, Trey,
come on, cuz, I wanna
be in the game.
He's like, all right, man,
I'ma introduce you
to my homie Chino.
If he think you're good, he's
going to get you some shit.
But if you don't
sell all that dawg,
it's gon' be a problem.
I'm like, I could
sell anything.
I can sell water to a whale.
This is a kid who has
never seen a whale before.
So we get there to
Chino's house, right.
We're sitting in Chino's house.
Chino has a gun all
the time, you know.
And I was like, hey what's
up, Chino, how are you doing.
He's like, ain't no
shake hands, my nigga.
So you're trying
to sell that shit?
I'm like, yeah.
Like, all right, I'ma
give you this.
If you don't sell
all that...
[imitates gunshot]
And I looked at my big
cousin like, obviously you're
not gonna let him cap me
And he was like, mm?
I'm like that's not the res--
No, wait!
But I was too confident, and
I also had the shit to prove.
I lived in the suburbs.
I had to commute to the hood.
That is not a gangster
way to travel.
I was sitting on the
train like, we gon'
be there in a minute.
And I went and sold crack
for one week.
I sold a lot of drugs.
I sold weed.
I was pretty good at that
till I started smoking
most of it.
And I sold crack for one week.
You know, I had to
get out the game.
You gotta like
who you work with.
I don't know if you know
this, but crack heads?
Unpredictable, you know?
I was in high school, nigga.
I had homework.
I had shit to do.
These niggas don't have stuff.
I sold one bag to
this crackhead,
and he was like, thank you.
I closed the door.
This nigga said,
ding dong, nigga.
I'm like, dawg,
I just sold it to you.
He's like, mm-mm,
that was another man.
No, it wasn't.
It was you.
Also, I don't have a doorbell.
Why are you just
saying ding dong?
But I remember bringing
that shit back to him.
I brought all the crack back.
And my nigga,
from the trenches,
you know that's not
how drug dealing works.
Crack don't come with
a receipt, nigga.
You can't bring it back.
Bro, I brought that shit back.
I set it down on the table
like, hey, Chino,
here you go.
I sold a little bit, and
that's what I got from that.
I'm out the game, Chino.
There's not a piece of
crack missing from that.
I didn't even
talk like a nigger
who knew how to sell drugs.
He's like hey, yo,
sorry, but, like, you know
what has to happen now.
He stood up.
I stood up.
He showed me the pistol.
It was sitting in there.
I was like, uh, come on,
Chino, it's right there.
You can just sell
that shit yourself.
No, no, nigga. I told you.
[imitates gunshot]
I'm like, but what if we don't
[imitates gunshot], nigga?
What if we do
something different?
He's like, no,
turn around, nigga.
I'm like, no.
Absolutely not, 'cause listen.
This is a tense moment.
If I'm about to
get shot, I'm not
about to fuckin' turn around.
No, nigga you have to--
nigga, hit me.
Hit me, nigga.
Hope you can shoot
a moving target, nigga.
So he's like, turn around.
I'm like, no.
Turn around!
No!
Then he pulled the gun out.
It was just the handle.
I'm like, Chino.
He's like, that's why
I wanted you to turn around,
so I can go get my real gun.
He ran to get his real gun.
I ran home to my grandma house.
I got to grandma's house.
He knocked on the door.
My grandma came out
with a Desert Eagle.
She was like, Chino, take
your little bitch ass home.
You better be in
church tomorrow.
And that joke is about
women's strength, really.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man, I wanted to
be a gangster so bad.
I love the way like weed is
right now bro, edible-wise.
Like, I know Saint Louis,
y'all in that gray area.
Y'all in that gray
area right now, right?
It's jus--Chicago,
we was in that gray area
a long time, the gray area
is terrible for us,
Black people, because you
gotta know where you stand,
and that gray area is weird.
It's like, it's
decriminalized but illegal.
Then what the fuck
do I do, nigga?
See, right now you could
be like, whoop-whoop. Uh-oh!
Hide the weed, I think.
You know what I mean?
Like, you--
ohh, you in trouble.
Am I going to jail?
You're not not going to jail.
Can I go home?
You can't.
Well--mm-mm.
It's a weird place to be at
man, especially because weed
is the edibles game right now.
We in the Jetsons as far as
edibles are concerned, dawg.
The technological advancements
of weed is fire, bro.
Are you kidding me?
You can have any snack
you like with weed in it.
That's crazy.
Chocolate chip cookie--
tastes like
a chocolate chip cookie.
Weed is in there.
Nigga, how?
Surgeon?
Shit's amazing,
'cause I come from an era
where you had to buy weed
cookies from a grown man
that does not bake.
Y'all ever had to
walk in a trap house
and buy weed cookies from
a grown gangster making cookies
for the first time?
Yo, these gonna be good
as hell, my nigga.
No they not, Marcus.
That's a macaroni pie.
That is not how you
make cookies, dawg.
Yeah, I ate them.
I'm paying for that weed.
Of course I'm gonna
eat those cookies,
but they were terrible.
They taste nasty.
And like old macaroni.
You ain't cleaned the pot?
My teeth were green like I was
eating lawnmower clippings.
I'm high, but at
what cost, ma'am?
They taste good,
that also causes a problem.
Because, see,
a nigga like me,
I like to get high
in the TSA line,
especially when it's busy,
'cause by the time
I get on the plane,
they kicking in.
Plane taking off,
I'm taking off,
we all getting high together,
you know what I'm saying?
[cheers and applause]
You know?
I'm building community.
So sometimes I finish
my snack cookie.
I remember I was like,
mmm, snack cookie done.
Reach in my bag,
get my weed cookie.
Then I pulled out an unopened
package of snack cookies,
and I was like, what?
How are y'all still here?
Is this "Inception"?
'Cause I just ate you niggas.
And then I realized
I was talking
to fuckin' cookies,
telltale sign you must
be high as a motherfucker.
So I became a detective
and I reached in my bag
to pull out the evidence,
see how much
weed I ate by accident,
and it said 550 milligrams.
Oh, some of y'all
do weed math, too.
If you don't, it's a lot,
motherfucker.
I lost my heartbeat
for five minutes straight.
Could not find that bitch.
Ohh!
Where's the beat, nigga?
Where's the beat?
I was like a deaf
rapper in the booth.
Nigga, where's the beat?
I can't find the beat.
I asked the dude behind me
what my heart beat was, dawg.
Like, where's my heartbeat at,
yo?
That boy was saying, huh?
It's 6:45 in the morning.
I turn back around
like, he don't know
where my heartbeat at.
Like it was his fault.
I was losing my
fuckin' mind, dawg.
I was getting higher
by the second,
and I was just seeing shit.
I got all type
of shit going on.
My ADHD got me paying
attention to dumb shit.
I saw the motherfucking
dawg come around.
I know this nigga
sniffs for bombs,
but I'm thinking
this thing's gonna get up
on two hind legs like,
that nigga high.
Ruff. You know, like dogs do.
My anxiety is like, nigga
what if they find out
about everything you ever did?
How?
And my depression's
like, hey nigga,
remember the last time
you cried in the bathtub?
Like, no.
I never cry in the bathtub.
Nigga, I was crying
and I got in the tub
eventually, nigga.
That's different.
But then I started
talking to myself.
We've all been too high before,
or the people that
are in here who've been high.
You know what it is.
You got to talk to yourself
nigga, like an adult.
Like hey, hey,
come on motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, nigga! Come on.
You are Christopher Redd.
You've been high before,
thousands of times.
Get yourself together.
This ain't the
first time, nigga.
Be normal.
Be normal!
You know what normal
people don't do?
Yell, be normal, to yourself
in a fucking airport.
Because I thought I was
thinking this shit, my nigga.
I thought I was really
up here with it.
No.
I yelled, be normal, bro.
Be normal!
The dude in front of
me was like, what?
I was like, me, me. Mm-mm.
I'm bugging, bro.
I'm losing my shit.
Then the line starts moving,
and my head goes crazy.
Oh, shit, line moving, nigga.
Walk normal.
Walk normal!
Yo, say, hi.
Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
Hi.
Nigga, you are not a Nazi.
What are you doing?
But I did that for 35 minutes.
I said, what's up,
good morning,
to the same motherfucker
35 times.
Yo, but the last time
I said that shit bro,
last time I said this shit this
motherfucker lost his mind.
He was like, it's not
a good morning no more, dawg!
But I was too high.
I didn't even know
I was the cause of his anger,
nigga.
I saw him do that and I was
like, damn, he stressed out.
He need a cookie.
I was high as shit.
So normal things
that annoy me--
which is a lot of things--
were annoying me even more.
Plane was delayed.
Fuckin' hate plane delays.
No, why I hate 'em? Not just
'cause you have to wait,
not 'cause it just pushes
your schedule, because it's
the hypocrisy in it.
Like, if we all were late to
our flights, what happens?
That motherfucker is gone.
But if the pilot's late,
we just
sitting in there eating chips
on a dirty fucking carpet.
And I've never seen
a pilot rush.
I've never seen a late pilot
be like, oh,
I'm so sorry, y'all.
[panting]
I slept in.
My bad.
Never.
They always walk calmly,
like, thank you
for your patience.
Bitch, I'd knock
your ass out if you
don't fly this goddamn plane.
Thank you for your patience.
I don't have a choice.
So I remember
they came through.
We finally got on the goddamn
plane, man,
and the pilot get on,
uh, thank you for
choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, just spoke to tower, says
we're 10th in line to take off.
It's gonna be about
an hour and a half wait.
Sorry for the further
delay, and thank you
again for your patience.
If we have any updates,
we'll update you.
Thank you again
for choosing Delta.
And I was upset.
I was high.
So the first thing that came
out was, fuck tower, nigga.
Fuck that nigga, tower, dawg.
Now I know that's the job,
you know what I'm saying?
But for once, I want
a pilot for the people.
I want a pilot to
get on the intercom,
be like, uh, thank you for
choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, this is your captain
speaking.
Just spoke to tower.
We're about 10th in
line to take off.
It's gonna be about
an hour and a half wait.
Tower doesn't realize
I'm a real nigga
and I do real things all day.
We'll be in the
air in five minutes
'cause I don't play that shit.
Fuck all that.
West Side!
Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh!
He's hanging out the plane.
Move, motherfucker, I'm next.
Sometimes he don't
even land all the way.
He just hover like,
yo, jump out.
You're going to Kansas.
That's the pilot
I wanna die with.
Oh, you die with that nigga.
- Try United!
- Say what?
- United?
Who said that?
You said try United?
Do you think that
was my problem?
Do you think I just never
switched up airlines, nigga?
Like, oh, Delta,
please do right.
But I'm not in
a bad relationship.
Delta, do right by me.
Delta!
When you were a kid,
what'd you want to be?
- She ain't have no dreams.
- First of all, what's
very funny about this is
I asked her that, and before
she could answer it
this nigga here said,
she ain't got no dreams.
Whoo!
That's the kind of hate
I can get behind, nigga.
That's lewd.
What?
I ain't never heard
a nigga, from afar,
hear somebody say
some shit and be like,
that bitch ain't got no dreams.
The only thing that
would make that better
if I asked you what you do,
you was like, a sleep doctor.
What do you do, bro?
- You're an
admissions counselor?
- Yeah.
- You must be fucking--
Hey, hey, hold on.
You must be brutal, nigga.
Hey, what's up man?
So what you coming
to college for, man?
I wanna be a lawyer.
Mm-mm.
No, you don't.
You ever tried janitor?
So the plane's
taking off, right?
Yeah we're having
fun in here for sure.
So the plane's taking off.
I'm taking off.
'Cause we all know if
you've ever been too high,
there's a moment where
you start to come down.
You think you're coming
down right before it gets
way the fuck worse.
So I'm having that moment
as we're taking off as I
planned, so I'm feeling good.
I feel like I'm
floating, dawg, you know?
I'm like, oh man,
this is amazing.
But I was doing
this in real life.
I don't know if
you've ever done this shit
next to a person on a plane,
but they don't like it.
Dude sitting next to
me was the same dude
lost his mind in the TSA line.
He's like, yo what is
wrong with you, man?
And I couldn't be
nothing but honest.
I was like, damn nigga,
you can see that?
I thought that was how
I felt, nigga, my bad.
But that wasn't even
the highest thing
I did on that flight, bro.
Because at one point I
stopped the flight attendant
to ask her where
the plane is landing.
Do you know how high
you gotta be
to ask a flight attendant
where the plane is landing,
casually,
like you're asking for peanuts?
'Cause I did it.
I stopped like,
hey, excuse me ma'am.
Where's the plane landing?
And she looked at me
for a long time.
She's like, what?
Then I clarified.
The plane--where is it landing?
I clarified the plane,
like that was
the problem with the question.
And she was like, Utah, sir.
Nigga, for what?
Who's there?
And I was scared
for real, niggas.
I ain't know what
the fuck a Utah was.
As a Black man that
travels the world,
you gotta know what
kind of White people
are gonna be
in a place because
of history at any point ever.
Read a book, you know?
So then I hit my friend up.
I was like, yo, I'm going to
Utah to do some shows man.
What's the vibe like out there?
And then he was like,
don't give up.
Fuck are you talking about?
I'm going to do shows.
He's like, nigga for who?
Who's out there?
So he didn't help.
So I got out there and I
realized who's out there,
you know what I'm saying?
I met different types of
people that I had never met
in my life before in person.
Meth heads, and I had never
seen a meth head in person.
Only in "Breaking Bad" and
Netflix documentaries,
which I think
was just "Breaking Bad."
Very different for me.
Chicago, we have some of the
best crackheads in the world.
If there was an Olympic
games for crackheads,
we'd win every year
for events like
leaning but never falling.
You know what I'm saying?
You ever seen a crackhead
almost fall for 15 minutes?
That shit is amazing.
Nigga, look at
the nigga ankles.
Oh, the strength in that nigga
ankles, he going for the gold.
A meth head was a completely
different experience.
First of all,
they were mostly White.
I was like, whoa.
Second of all,
it was a different high.
He was like, yo,
give me a dollar brother.
And before I could
get the dollar out
he took off running full speed.
I was confused.
I'm like how do you
get the dollar, fam?
Are you gonna lap
back around the block?
I don't understand.
And then I saw him later
trying to lift
a Nissan Altima
with his bare hands.
So it's a different
kind of drug.
And Mormons and like--what?
Like, I know they got
a book on Broadway,
but them niggas different.
That shit crazy to me.
OK, so a Mormon comic came
to pick me up
from the airport, right.
So we had a good
conversation about Mormonism,
'cause I had
never cared before.
Oh, I know you all care
about everything, nigga.
I can't.
I ain't got the time.
We had a good conversation
about it man, you know?
And he was like, well we
can't have sex until marriage.
I'm like damn, that sucks
'cause sex is dope.
And he's like,
well there are loopholes.
And that's when I said,
what?
He's like, there are loopholes.
Oh, I heard what you said.
I just don't know
what that means, fam.
And he was like,
well, Jesus says
you can't have
sex with a vagina,
but no one said
anything about the butt.
And then that's when I said,
whose Jesus is this?
Not my Jesus.
You got a ratchet Jesus, sir.
Your Jesus is from New Jersey.
Your Jesus came back on Monday,
a day late, with an open robe
and some frantic energy.
Whoo! It got crazy
up there, saints.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, water to wine.
Fuck that butt. See you
on Christmas, all right?
It's your boy!
How long have y'all
been together?
- 10 months?
Oh, that's fresh as hell.
I don't fuck with
couples under a year,
you know what I'm saying?
Anything can break
you niggas up.
How did y'all meet?
- Your friend's Tinder?
- It was your face,
but her Tinder?
So your friend was
catfishing with your face,
and she tried to catfish
this nigga and you were like,
mm, I got this bitch.
Move out the way.
I love love. I really do, man.
I really love love a lot.
I think about my
parents all the time.
It's probably why I love love,
because I've seen two people
in love, you know what I mean?
And I think you ask anyone
in love, they're like,
well, the thing is
communication and loyalty.
But I also think a major
part of being in love
for a long time is pettiness.
You need a masterful
amount of pettiness
in a relationship
in a good one.
Because I've seen
good couples outside.
Only good couples can do shit
like fight in the morning
and still go out that
same day 'cause you
already bought tickets.
You know what I'm saying?
We've seen these couples
outside at Olive Gardens
and Olive Gardens,
mostly Olive Gardens.
I worked at an Olive Garden.
But you always see 'em--
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Table for two, please.
It's my only day off.
Don't embarrass me in here.
Shit's real, bro.
I really think that.
I think the worst love story of
all time is "Romeo and Juliet."
I think that's
the worst, Whitest
love story of all time.
My family doesn't
like your family.
Let's kill ourselves.
Nigga, what?
That's some bullshit.
I've been in real love, man.
Families don't get along
all the fuckin' time.
You don't go home and end it.
That's insane, you
immature motherfucker.
I've been in real love.
My girl had to come home
like, let's kill ourselves
for love.
I'd be like--
[chuckles]
You go first.
I'm right behind you.
The poison's right here. Ahh!
That wouldn't work out.
I'm Black in America
you know what I mean?
Cops show up.
She dead, I'm not.
How that look?
You're saying she
killed herself, sir?
For love, Officer.
Heard of it?
Why you ain't kill yourself?
Someone has to tell our story.
I will not be forgotten.
In this story, I do have hair.
You should never hit a woman.
Transition.
Smooth as shit.
I believe that firmly.
You should never hit a woman.
I've been raised
to believe that,
and I agreed when I grew up.
Another thing I agree
with we don't understand,
though, is my dad
always said, now, Son,
when you walk with a woman
outside after a date you walk
on the outside
closest to the street,
she walks on the inside.
Because that's
what gentlemen do.
Because just in case
a car jumps the curb,
you can stop it with your
love or some dumb shit.
It don't make no sense.
Even if I was getting
robbed on the street,
they're not coming from
my side to be polite.
That's insane.
But I do it anyway.
I don't understand.
But that's how
raising works, right?
Your parents instill some
shit, and you get older
and you're like,
mm-hmm, I still agree.
I would never do that,
not built like that,
I would never even
think about it,
even though I have met some
women where I was like,
I get it.
But I would never do it.
I would never do it.
I promise you, I've thrown
people out of my life
for this shit, bro, for real.
Like I had a cousin and
one of my best friends
I had to throw
out my life, bro.
I had to pull him off his
girlfriend several times.
Our last conversation
I was like,
dawg, if you keep doing this
shit I can't be around you,
can't associate myself
with you at all.
He was like, Chris I know
I got a problem, man.
It's just sometimes she
just makes me so mad, dawg,
and so I throw her in traffic.
Nigga, what?
You wanna throw
her in traffic?
That's crazy, my nigga.
Because traffic is still.
You not even
hurting her, nigga.
She's just in the way.
How you bad and dumb?
Get the fuck out
of my house, dawg.
I hate that shit, bro.
I'll tell you the story.
So we were in Chicago.
Negative 20 degrees,
broad nighttime.
We were both drunk.
I was driving.
Shouldn't have been.
It was illegal.
What you gonna do, go back
in time, "Minority Report" me?
Shut the fuck up.
I'm deflecting, I'm sorry.
Deborah would say
I'm deflecting.
So we're having a fight.
I'm trying to get
her back in the car.
And I was like, yo,
just get in the car.
We'll talk about this at home.
She's like, nuh uh,
fucking get away from me.
I'll smack the shit
out of you, Chris.
I'm like, no you won't.
Then she did it
because she's goal oriented.
Also I was high as hell,
cocky about it,
and real slow to react.
Like, I saw the smack coming
I was like,
we got more time.
No, we don't.
No, we don't.
Also, who is we?
I'm sitting there with
a freshly smacked face.
She's like, you ain't
gonna do nothing Chris,
'cause you was raised right.
Like, what the fuck kind
of shit is that to say?
That's attacking all my ego.
Now I gotta kill this bitch,
you know what I'm saying?
Obviously I didn't do that.
That'd be crazy to
fucking kill someone
and then do a tour about it.
What am I, a '90s rapper?
No.
So I obviously didn't do that,
you know what I'm saying?
Then she started getting cocky.
If you ever hit somebody, you
know, once you hit somebody,
it connects,
you start getting fuckin'--
You think you Mayweather.
She swung again,
this time hard as hell,
and I could see it coming.
And I ducked, and she
twirled and the sound
she made when she twirled
is a sound I've never
heard from anyone again.
She twirled, it was like,
whoa!
This is a grown Black
woman from Chicago.
Whoa!
Yeah, that's--
The fuck is that, dawg?
That's Porky Pig cumming, dawg.
That's what that is.
Whoa!
That's all folks.
And she twirled around,
she fell in the bushes
right behind her, dawg.
And I loved every second
of that.
'Cause I can't hit her,
I won't hit her.
But that bush, whew.
It was negative 20 degrees.
That bush--
no leaves, all sticks.
[audience oohs]
You heard the whole fall.
[imitates branches cracking]
Man, I love that bush.
Every time I go back to
Chicago, I drive by that bush
and I salute that
motherfuckin' bush.
Only Bush I would have voted
for, to be honest with you.
[applause]
And I looked up
to my cousin Trey.
He was the coolest,
like I told you all before.
I gave you a little
sample of that nigga.
But he was the dopest, he
was the most gangster, cool.
He had the most money,
girls, cars, all that.
He was also mean as hell,
and he definitely did
rob all of us at one point.
He was the type of guy
that robbed his family
before he took his
talents to the streets,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Take your $100, make you
look for it with him.
Like, it's weird, you know?
But I looked up to
this man because he was
the toughest dude, and
I was like, come on Trey,
let me be down,
like, nah, nah,
you fucked up the shit
with Chino, nigga,
you ain't even ready for this.
Like, no, come on man,
you know what I'm sayin',
I'm older now.
Let's go.
He was like, all right you
gotta be ready for whatever.
I'm like, when that day
come, when whatever come,
I'ma be fuckin' ready, cuz.
Three weeks later, we
walk into the corner store
you know, just get
some fucking candy
or whatever
the fuck I'm getting,
and then all of a sudden
my cousin pushed this dude.
Dude turn around,
who the fuck pushed me?
And I was like, I'm about
to see my cousin get it in.
This is dope.
And my cousin was like, he did.
And I was like--
Oh, whatever is here, nigga.
You know, he was like,
I'ma to fuck you up,
motherfucker.
And I didn't know what to say,
so all that came out was,
nah!
I thought that was
a good place to start.
I don't see
the outcome you see.
I don't know anybody
that starts a fight like,
I'ma fuck you up.
Yeah you are!
Make it quick,
you know, I don't know that.
I'm not that guy.
I said nah, but I knew
that nah wasn't enough.
I could tell by the
faces of everyone who
was watching the altercation.
My cousin's like, uh-huh.
I was like, oh, OK.
[clears throat]
So I just said what he said,
I'm like, no I'm a fuck you up.
Here's the thing
about me saying it,
is that I didn't make it to
"up," um--
So what I said
to this grown man was,
I'ma fuck you!
Which is
a very different message,
I think.
Now, the reason I didn't
get to "up" is because
he hit me so fast
in the throat.
I mean, directly in the middle,
and I farted right after that.
I don't know if you know
anything about the body,
but these two things
ain't connected at all.
You shouldn't get
hit here and--[imitates fart]
That shouldn't happen to you,
dawg.
Bro, it was crazy.
Did you ever sneeze
and fart at the same time,
and realize
you're not in control
of your life? You ever--
Achoo. [imitates fart]
What the fuck?
That has to be Jesus.
That's crazy.
I farted, bro, and it was wild.
Like, it pissed my cousin off.
He grabbed me
from under my arm,
dragged me all the way home.
And it was crazy.
I was being heckled
by the crackhead
across the street
'cause he saw
a very different fight
than the fight that went down.
He was like, that's right!
Don't let nobody fuck you!
You know, man, I was like
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And my cousin threw
me in the house.
Motherfucker, see, I told you
you ain't built for this shit.
Nigga, you out here getting
hit in your goddamn throat
and tootin'?
I'm like, tootin'?
This is a grown gangster,
killer for sure.
Tootin'?
Like a choo-choo train, nigga?
He's like, you tootin'!
It wasn't the right time
to make fun of the man,
but I kept it in here.
He ain't talk to me
for about half a year.
I thought my gangster career
was over with, truly.
And then he called me, right.
I put it on speakerphone,
'cause I
had been talking to my friends
who I play video games with.
I was like,
I'ma tell you, my cousin
gon' to call me, man,
and he's gonna let me
come back and prove myself.
Shit's gonna be dope.
Then he finally did.
I saw the call coming,
so we all
gathered around
the speakerphone,
put on speakerphone,
like what's up, cuz?
What's good?
I'm sittin' there frontin'
and then he says,
first line, he was like,
Hey, I found the nigga
you farted on.
I didn't fart on the nigga.
So I picked up the phone like,
hey, nigga,
you could say, hi, bro.
That works, too.
He's like, listen, yo,
you wanna roll with me
and my niggas, man, so you
go ahead and prove yourself?
I'm like, hell yeah, cuz,
I'm ready to redeem myself.
He was like,
you are not a coupon, nigga,
shut the fuck up.
I was like, right, right.
And then I got in the car.
I was in the middle
in the back seat.
It was two grown ass
motherfuckers that I just
knew rolled with my cousin,
there,
and my cousin was in
the passenger side,
and my other cousin
was driving the car.
And he's like, yo, they
right up the street.
So we gonna roll up
on these motherfuckers,
pop out, knock they ass out,
then we gonna
to go to McDonald's
for whatever reason.
So we riding for a while.
I'm like, yo, so they
right up the street?
He's like yeah,
they right up the street.
I'm like, all right,
it's a long street, nigga.
And then I had to pee,
so I had to ask him.
I was like yo, yo,
hey cuz, can we stop
so I can piss real quick?
He's like, hell no!
Only bitches pee.
I'm like that's
not true at all.
I know we gangsta, nigga,
but come on.
But the dude next to me
was so scared of my cousin.
He was like, I ain't never
peed a day in my life.
Like, who the fuck
is this idiot?
I'm like, come on, cuz,
stop so I can pee.
I ain't stopping, dawg,
so piss yourself.
What a terrible outfit
to wear to a fight.
They already know
me as fart boy.
Now I gotta show up
and waddle up in piss pants.
I'm not doing that.
I was like, come on stop.
He's like, we're not stopping,
and neither was this piss, so I
had to figure something out.
I saw this cup that was sitting
right there for a long time.
Nobody was drinking out of it.
I watched it for
five more minutes.
Nobody drank out of it
again, so I grabbed it.
It was pretty empty.
I made a wall with my coat.
A pee wall, if you will.
And I pissed in it, put the
cap back on, put it back
in the middle,
and I watched it to make sure
nobody drank out of it.
Also, if someone did,
I wasn't gon' say shit.
because I was terrified,
nigga, what?
But I was watching it like
I was gonna say shit,
but I wasn't gonna
say shit, though.
And no one touched it, though.
I was so glad.
Until the very end of the ride,
right before we got
to where we was going, man.
It was slow motion.
My cousin rolled the window
down, threw out the blunt,
then he did this.
[smacks lips]
The driest mouth in
the county, nigga.
Then he grabs it and takes the
biggest swig of that shit
I ever seen in my life.
Y'all acting like
y'all were there.
Shit was nasty, bro.
And he was like,
ugh, what the fuck?
He threw that shit
out the window like
who the fuck put
warm beer in my cup, bro?
And that's when I knew
for sure that my cousin
had never drank piss before.
[cheers and applause]
I'm glad y'all
proud of him, too.
I was gonna take that shit
to the grave with me, man,
but then my cousin got
locked up, so I feel safe.
I'm just playing.
I'm just playing.
I told him for real.
He did get locked up for
stuff he definitely did.
Now I'm not snitching,
it's public knowledge
at this point.
He's gone for a minute,
but we still fall for him.
And I don't know if
you know how fucked up
it is to know someone's
guilty but still
be out there with "Free Trey"
shirts, knowing he did it.
Free Trey!
Knowing that nigga guilty.
Free Trey!
He was definitely there.
Free Trey!
Planned the whole thing.
Because that was
like my family motto.
We ride for each other
regardless of the fact,
and that might put us in
some difficult situations,
but that's what we do.
And we're out there,
free Trey!
But in the back
of my mind, I was like,
take your time, though.
I was there
when his house got raided.
I didn't wanna be there,
you know what I'm saying?
They don't warn you
when they come in.
It's kinda they thing.
They pop up, surprise
party you never wanted.
All I know is it was, like,
the fifth time I was
ever high,
playing "Call of Duty."
And "Call of Duty" got
real IMAX 3D on a nigga.
'Cause as I was swinging in a
house with a gun on the game,
they swung in our
house with guns.
And I was like, damn.
PS2 is on some new shit.
Oh, these niggas are real.
I got on the ground.
They pushed my cousin
Trey to the wall,
they were like,
freeze, Trey Johnson,
you under arrest.
And that's when Trey
said the wildest thing
I've ever heard anyone say
to the police to their face.
He looked him
dead in their eyes
and he was like,
about time.
And everyone was
confused immediately.
what?
I think a bird stopped flying.
Like, nigga what?
He's like, you should
have caught me last year.
We was like, shut up!
You still gotta
go to court, fam.
It's gonna be
a slam dunk case.
And it was.
I've never seen somebody
go to jail that fast.
I think the prosecutor
wore sweat pants.
Nobody tried.
Even the cops were gonna
help this nigga out.
They were like, you do have
the right to remain silent,
my nigga.
Like, you won't silence me.
It was a confusing part
of Trey's takedown,
and I remember
when he went to jail,
a lot of people
wrote him off, you know.
I still put money on his books
and went to visit him,
'cause I just don't like the
thought of my fuckin' family
being alone, no matter
if they bad or not.
So I would go visit him, right?
And he was definitely
still an asshole about it.
I went to visit him he's like,
oh, look at this bitch ass
nigga Chris,
coming up seeing me.
Oh, bitch ass nigga.
[imitating farts]
Who am I?
I'm like, dawg, it wasn't even
that kind of fart, dawg.
You gotta chill.
And he's like, nah you're
the bitch that fart.
[imitating farts]
Look at your ass.
So I'm impulsive, so I lost it.
And I was like, that's why
you drank my pee nigga!
All right, here's the thing
about this
is, yes I
did do that weird ass
Morphin' time
Power Ranger shit,
but also, I definitely
forgot people
heard that out of context.
And it was so
weird for the room.
Everybody was like, oh,
we're done for the day, uh--
But what was
fucked up about it,
is as soon as I said that,
the look on his face,
he knew the exact day I
was fuckin' talking about.
It had been years.
The second I saw it,
he was like, I knew
that wasn't warm beer!
That nigga punched out a guard.
[imitates blow landing]
That guard didn't do anything.
We ain't talked
for months, man.
I thought we would
never talk again.
Then he hit me, you know,
to come visit him.
So I did.
And it was different, you know?
I pulled up, and he had
a whole different vibe.
He was like, hey cuz,
come sit down, boy.
Hey man, it's good
to see you, my nigga.
You look good.
So already I'm like,
what the fuck is this?
He's like, hey man,
I just wanna say, dawg,
like, man,
I got my GED in here.
You know, I got a job and shit.
I've been going to counseling.
Started working through
my shit, you know?
I'm a Muslim now.
I'm like, oh, congratulations.
He's like yeah, dawg,
I read the Bible every day.
I'm like,
that's the wrong book, um--
He in there a long time.
I ain't about to
fuck up his progress.
And he's like, yo, I just
wanna say, man, like
I know you looked up to me,
dawg,
and I didn't do right by you
as your big cousin, man,
and I apologize for that shit,
dawg, you know?
It was weirdly a sweet moment.
But I had to ask him, though,
I was like, yo, man,
when you got arrested, though,
cuz, like,
and you said, "About time,
should have caught
me last year."
Why did you say that?
And he was like, look man,
I only had two options.
I had a lot of guns upstairs,
could have lit that shit up,
went out like Scarface,
you know what I'm saying?
But you and my sister and
my brother was downstairs.
I couldn't put you
all through that shit,
so I knew it was my time to go.
But I wanted all them
niggas in that room to know.
All them cops. I want the all
them cops to know
they are very bad detectives.
And that's the level
of petty I want
in my relationship, nigga.
Because that's petty.
That's petty.
[cheers and applause]
My man went to jail for
life only to have cops
going to bed like, last year?
What did we miss?
You know?
[applause]
Hey, thank y'all so
motherfuckin' much!
I love you, St. Louis!
Peace!
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
- As a kid, what
was your kid dream?
- To party.
- To party?
That was your childhood dream?
Nigga's like, I wanna
be a basketball player.
I wanna be Superman.
I wanna party right here.
Turn it up, nigga,
I can't hear the beat.
Can you imagine
seeing that kid?
Recess is over.
It ain't never over, bitch!
- Why am I like this?