Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022) Movie Script
1
MAN: This holiday season,
show your loved ones
that you really care
by getting them the gift
that they've always wanted.
Whoa, Dad! Really?!
GIRL: Yes!
Is there anything else?
[ Gasps ] Wow.
Slim Jenko!
This is just what I wanted!
I want some!
We can all have some.
MAN: We here at Slim Jenko
pride ourselves
on delivering a rich,
flavorful malt beverage
for the entire family.
Make us part
of your holiday tradition.
MAN #2: This Friday night
at midnight on Channel 83.
-Mommy!
-Lester.
Lester, what are you doing?
"Killed on Christmas:
The Lester Lord stor--"
[ Hard rock music playing ]
WOMAN: Including a regulation
busting 2,500 milligrams
of pure THC.
MAN #3: Kunz Christmas
Creampies,
an established cream pie
professional for over 50--
MAN #4: The U.S. Defense
Department has spent over
a trillion dollars on the most
cutting edge robot technology,
deployed overseas for a swift
victory against America's
deadliest enemies, and now
Sowell Robotic Products
is here to make that technology
fun for the entire family.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
MAN #4:
Introducing RoboSanta Plus
for the upcoming holiday season,
with a vocabulary
of over 90,000 words,
a full range of motion,
and built with
military grade construction,
RoboSanta Plus fully replaces
your local degenerate
mall Santa, keeping you
and your children safe.
Exclusively this weekend
at Midland Mall and GW Bonkers.
[ Static ]
I am the yule tide cold
Leave the winter closed
Like hive of holy
Well, I dream of you
Nothing is
And the slick
To not peak at your
breast, love
Before the devil reigns
TORI: Thanks for
coming in, guys.
Thank you. Have a good one.
Oh, shit!
Hi.
You look amazing.
Hey, let me know if
you need anything.
TORI: Hey, it's almost 7:00,
so I'm going to start
closing up out back.
You got it?
-Yeah.
-Oh, can you put this away?
-Sure.
-Thank you.
-Hey!
-Oh, shit.
-Merry Christmas.
-Hi.
It's about time you show
your fucking face around here.
Yeah, I've been busy.
You guys are swamped.
-I know, I know.
I thought you and Lahna
were closing tonight.
Yeah, no, I told her I had to
run home because I, um...
Didn't get her gift.
-I did get her a gift.
-Oh, did you?
But I'm now second guessing it,
so now I'm going
-to get some records.
-Oh, yeah, you should be
second guessing this.
She has both of these.
-She does.
-She does. Yeah.
Uh, follow me. Come on.
You guys been together
for, what, like a year?
How are you this fucking dumb?
No, I'm not -- It's --
I can't tell the difference
between all these bands that
the logos all look the same.
-They all look the fucking same?
-They all look the same.
-All scratchy and weird.
-Yeah, they kind of do.
Uh, all right, so what I'm going
to show you now -- Yes.
We saw these guys open at
a festival this summer.
She was fucking all over it.
They've got the psychedelic,
cosmic riff.
She'll fucking love it.
-Deathcrux?
-Yeah.
Okay. And she does
not have this?
-She does not have this.
-Right on.
-You're welcome.
-Yes. No, thank you, Tori.
Thank you.
You saved Christmas again.
TORI: By the way, I will come
and say Merry Christmas
-to Lauren.
-Sounds good.
But just don't tell her
I showed up here, okay?
-What are you talking about?
-Don't do the whole thing you do
-when you're like --
-"Oh, my God, it's so good
-to see you.
-No, yeah, don't do that.
-Okay, bye.
-Okay.
-Robbie.
-Hey, bro.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, man.
Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas
Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas
ROBBIE: Fuck yeah.
Almost 2 grand.
-Yeah, that's a big day.
-Does that mean a big boy bonus?
-Means a bonus, yeah.
-Fuck yeah, dawg!
[ Chuckles ] What are you going
to do with your big bonus?
You got any plans?
Well, the talent show
is at 8:00 p.m.
-So, no, not really.
-Yeah.
What are you going to do this
fine Christmas Eve?
I was potentially going to go
meet up with a dude,
but I don't know.
-A dude, a man.
-Yep.
Okay, on Christmas Eve,
you're going to invite
a stranger to your house.
Uh, a stranger to
Reggie's, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Fuck, they're still open.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Did you meet him organically,
or is this, like, a tinder
sort of scenario?
-Tinder situation, yeah.
-Oh, Tinder, okay.
-Yeah.
-Can I see him?
-Eh.
-Eh. He must be a fucking stud.
What the fuck else
am I supposed to do?
You want me to go home,
drink some whiskey,
sit by the fire by my lonesome,
watch "A Christmas Story"
like every other
fucking douchebag in America?
Yeah. Sounds kind of nice.
Or you to go to
drink some whiskey with me.
Uh, that Lahna's Christmas gift.
-Is it?
-So you can put a fuckin' --
-No longer.
-What the fuck are you doing?
So, fuck no.
I wanted to do that, too.
So hand me some cups,
and let's go.
Are you gonna go see
your pops up north tomorrow?
-Yeah.
-You should probably get
-a head start late tonight.
-No. Fuck that.
One day, in and out, is my rule.
I can't see anything
wrong in that.
-Fair enough.
-Mazel tov.
ROBBIE: Mazel tov.
Cheers, motherfucker.
Only quit stalling.
Show me Tommy Tinder.
What the fuck is
your obsession with this?
-I want to see him.
-I don't want to
-show him to you.
-Is he big? Is he a big boy?
-Oh.
-BBW.
-That what you want to know?
-Yeah.
In that case,
I'll fuckin' show you. Here.
What?
I didn't know you knew
Emmett Eyeliner.
Emmett Eyeliner.
Why are you calling him that?
-Do you know him?
-I know of him.
Did he tell you he got,
like, three kids?
Wait four.
Someone's pregnant now, I think.
-Oh, fuck! He's got kids?
-Yeah.
I don't fucking care.
I just want a little
Christmas Eve schlong.
Well, dude's a genic jackhammer.
-Oh, Jesus.
-Little, uh, sperm canon,
all I'm saying.
Okay, I'm happy you told me
that, so I'll wear my dental dam
and get fucking sauced
before he shows up.
Thank you.
That's so sweet of you.
ROBBIE: Well,
I'll tell you what.
I can go to Reggie's with you
because, um, I don't really
have shit to do.
Robbie, that's very,
very sweet of you,
but I want to get laid.
Not wax poetic
with the regulars.
Well, seeing as you didn't
buy me a Christmas present
this year, I'm going
to take this.
-Oh.
-Thank you.
And you can enjoy your,
what, two hours
of unbearable conversation,
your 7 seconds of lame sex.
You go home, probably, you know,
get yourself off anyway.
Or, I'm just throwing
this out there,
you can have two hours of
amazing, vivacious,
sort of hauntingly
erotic conversation.
-Hauntingly erotic?
-Hauntingly erotic?
And you can go home anyway.
You know, get yourself off,
like, flick your little bean.
-Oh?
-Yeah.
And you don't have to wake up
next to 30 Seconds To Mars.
All right, well, I've got
a proposition for you.
How about you give me back
my fucking whiskey
and stop talking about me
flicking at my fucking bean?
-Okay.
-How about that?
Have you confirmed with him?
No, I have not given him a time.
Poor guy. It's kind of sad.
He's probably at home
scrolling through your
social media, fingers sweaty,
hand firmly on cock, just...
beating that meat,
waiting for your text
to pop up at the top.
Mm. I've blown off
twice already, so.
-Third time's a charm.
-Yeah.
Come on, get a drink
with your old pal Robbie.
It's my long time
employee Robbie.
-That's a little bit harsh.
-It's true. I own you.
-You own me?
-You're on my payroll. Yeah.
Mama. Okay. Okay. Okay.
I'm going to change your mind.
Have you heard his music?
-I have not bothered, no.
-Oh, that answers a lot.
Why? What you got?
ROBBIE: I'll show you something
Something fun.
TORI: Hmm.
All right. Ready?
I'm losing interest already.
Come on.
Alright, you'll see.
Hang on, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
What?
-Oh, my God.
-Soothing.
TORI: Shut the fuck up.
Why is he whisper singing?
ROBBIE: Doesn't want to
wake his parents, probably.
What the fuck?
Turn that off.
Why are you showing
that to me? Stop.
Well, you know, it's not like
you're going to saddle up
with the son of a bitch.
I mean, you should probably
let the guy go back
to his family and his kids.
He's a daddy, after all.
-Daddy?
-Yeah.
Little Tommy Tinder.
Well...
All right.
Let's go get shit faced.
But you're not getting
anything either.
So if you want to go flick
your fucking bean,
do what you need to do.
-Come on.
-All right.
-Turn off the music.
-Well, considering you were
gonna saddle up
with old Emmett Eyeliner,
I'm not sure
how I should feel about that.
Well, I don't work with them
Emmett Eyeliner, do I?
Well, I am better looking in
that douche, though, right?
Do you want to fucking die?
Get your fucking grubby shoes
off the counter.
Kill the music
before I change my mind.
-Should I meet you there or?
-No, We're going to walk.
-Well, it's fucking snowing out.
-Oh, my God. That's so scary!
Come on.
Get those chicken legs out.
Let's go for a walk.
I got to bring this to Lahna.
ROBBIE: Why? They close at 6:00.
They're not going to be open.
No, they'll still be there.
They're having a little
Christmas Eve Fuckfest.
What the hell, Why?
TORI: You don't want to fuck
in a toy store?
No. Well, mm, maybe. I mean...
Sounds like you don't want
to fuck in a toy store.
It's just kind of weird.
Like, I feel sorry for the kid
that's going to go in tomorrow,
buy a teddy bear covered
-in fucking cum.
-Oh, my God.
We're going to scar him.
That poor child.
Come on. Lock up behind you.
ROBBIE:
We could have taken my car.
Would have been a smart option.
Do you want to keep
keep complaining?
Or do you want to just walk
in silence?
-What do you want to do?
-You're the one who was
complaining all day about
fucking Christmas this,
Christmas that, oh, I fucking
hate Christmas.
Well, Christmas fucking sucks.
Do you not agree that there's
no good fucking Christmas music,
-no good Christmas movies.
-Bad Religion had
-a great Christmas album.
-Just fucking get it over with.
-Eh.
-It was good.
There aren't many albums
that give me that spirit
of fucking Christmas.
Well, Bad fuckin' Religion,
ain't it, buddy.
Give me that.
I would go as far to say
there's like fucking two --
two Christmas songs
that are good,
and that's if you don't count,
if and only if, you don't count
fucking Crypt Keeper
"Christmas Rap."
Okay, love
"Tales From the Crypt."
That song sucks the fucking shit
out of my ass.
This is coming from a guy
who jizzes his fucking pants
every single time he hears
Buster Poindexter's cover of
"Zat You, Santa Claus?"
ROBBIE: No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like that cover.
I like the version
with the commentary
from Beavis and Butthead.
-Okay.
-Okay.
"Merry Christmas", Ramones,
then.
That's mine. What's your big
fucking runner up?
Uh, sorry to say,
but "Merry Christmas", Ramones,
that's a fucking runner up.
-Yeah.
-Fuck you.
-First place --
-Fuck you.
First place is our lord
and savior Lemmy
with "Run Rudolph Run."
Oh, it's magic!
ROBBIE: Okay.
It's not like it's Motorhead.
It's Lemmy with
the fucking Foo Fighters.
-Oh, R.I.P.
-Oh, R.I.P.
Also Lemmy is fucking Motorhead,
you idiot.
Yeah.
Hey!
Lahna! [ Laughs ]
She knows you're coming, right?
Yeah, of course
she knows I'm fucking coming.
Oh.
-Hey, bitch.
-Hi!
Mwah! You look so good.
-Thank you.
-Hey, gorgeous.
-Mwah.
-Mwah.
I brought you and Jay
a little something, something.
Ooh, I got you this.
Oh, my God. I love you so much.
-I missed you.
-I missed you, too.
TORI: Where's Jay?
He's in the back, freshening up.
You know, he just gets
a little musty.
He gets a little musty?
-You got a lot going on.
-Musty she says.
LAHNA: Yeah, you know
all about that, right?
-No, I do.
-You know all about that?
-Baby.
-Yeah.
You know all about
a little musty must?
I got a stinky dick.
-[ Laughs ] That's so fucked up.
-Cute, right?
-Bitch.
-Yeah?
You already cracked this open.
We may have had, like,
like a couple of drinks.
This is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.
I know. I know. It's very nice.
And listen.
Because we love you.
we didn't buy it for you.
We're giving it to you.
-Well, merry fucking Christmas.
-Merry fucking Christmas.
-Baby!
-On it. Jesus Christ!
-Hey!
-This motherfucker.
I haven't seen you in so long.
-How are you?
-Oh, yeah. Right?
-How are you?
-Hey, bro.
-Hey, buddy. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-You look good.
-Thank you.
-Yeah, you do.
-I've been doing nothing but
selling toys and fucking
living the clean life.
-Keep up.
-[ Sniffs ]
Oh! Um, what's up with you two?
What's going on here?
-Uh, just grabbing a drink.
-Just grabbing a drink.
I had to talk her out
of some Tinder trash.
You didn't talk me
out of anything.
What was his name?
Emmett -- Emmett --
-We don't have to talk --
-Emmett! Oh, shit!
TORI: No, I think
we're ignoring that.
Motherfuckin' four-kid Emmett.
Four kid Emmett?
-No.
-Nearly five kid Emmett.
Four kid Emmett. Why does
everybody know Emmett
-except for me?
-He's got four kids.
-All right. Well, cheers. Yeah.
-No, no, no.
What was the song? What was
the song? It was...
We don't need the song.
And her heart
whispers in my head
-Alright, fuckers.
-Go for it, tap on in.
Because she's half dead
-Tori!
-No, no, no, no.
Come back, come back,
come back, come back.
-Come back, come back.
-Alright, you guys, I'm back.
-It's a catchy song.
-It's a good song.
It's the feel good hit
of the winter.
-Okay, cheers.
-Cheers.
-To Christmas!
-To Christmas!
-Bah humbug.
-Bah humbug.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
Come sit on Santa's lap
and tell him what you
want for Christmas.
-Ugh!
-[ Laughs ]
-I fucking hate that.
-No, they all get recalled.
Priest said that to me
when I was a young boy.
Are you okay?
You're not fucking okay.
-No, I'm not well.
-It's so bad.
Thank God they're taking it out
on Friday.
Has he ever come to life
while you guys were fucking?
Oh, he joins.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-He's anatomical.
-Oh, really?
-Big bad Santa.
-Okay.
-Big Santa.
-But I am hoping that they
leave behind this aspect of it.
TORI: What?
[ Whirring ]
-Oh!
-Oh, baby, it's so romantic!
Okay, we're getting the fuck
out of here.
This is too much
Christmas for me.
-Oh, no, no.
-No, no, no, stay, stay.
Stop! I fuckin' -- that's a lot.
That is a lot.
It's really excessive. We're
gonna have one drink and go.
-All right. Yeah, fine.
-Fine.
JAY: We could just --
You guys hang out.
-We could have some more drinks.
-We're not going to hang out.
-The four of us.
-We're not gonna hang out.
-Santa, the anatomical Santa.
-We're good.
-Okay, alright.
-Alright.
-Easy, tiger.
-Alright.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Fuck. Merry Christmas
to a fuckin' day off.
-Little bit of flavor in there.
-Yeah.
-Mm.
-Okay, I love you.
Get the fuck out.
I want to fuck my husband.
-Mwah.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-Bye.
-See you.
-See you.
-See ya, bud.
-All right. We're going.
-Goodbye.
-See ya.
Oh, she's whispering
in my head
Fucking hate you guys!
I'm half deaf for you
I'm stealing your candy.
Thank you.
-Come on, let's go.
-Ugh!
[ Laughs ] Let's fucking go.
-God!
-Come on!
Coming. I'm coming.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Sowell Robotic Products'
new animatronic
state of the art Santa Claus
featured at our own
T.W. Bonkers is now the subject
of an international recall.
There have been reports that
some of the Santa units
are reverting to their old
Defense Department firmware.
Thus far, most of the reports
have been of harmless pranks.
Fuck no! [ Laughs ]
Larry, can you turn
that shit off?
-That's so depressing.
-Yeah.
-[ Laughs ]
-You guys want one more
to close it out?
Yeah, we will.
Can we get another round
and a shot of whiskey, please?
You're going to chase a shot
of whiskey with more whiskey?
I am. It's a holiday.
That's what you do.
-This is true.
-Thank you.
Is this, uh, together?
Or separate?
Togeth-- Together.
It's on one bill. I got it.
-Oh, la di da.
-It's part of your bonus.
Although I am a little
disappointed.
He didn't even offer
to pay for the fuckin' last --
Excuse me, this is not
a date, remember?
Yeah, no, I fuckin'
remember now.
Happy I didn't think otherwise.
-Fun hangout
-Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
You think would have
picked up the tab for, uh,
Doctor fuckin' Emmett Eyeliner.
Depends on how the night went.
Probably would have forgotten
his wallet or something.
Mnh-mnh. Did this dude fuck
your mom or something?
Why the fuck -- every single
time you talk about him,
I'm like so close
to forgetting him,
and then you bring him up again.
I'm just like, just like,
it baffles me
that you were going to let him,
like, you know,
-stick his penis just...
-Taint me?
-...inside you.
-He's gonna fuckin' taint me?
-He was gonna taint you.
-Yeah, I'm horny,
and it's a holiday.
What am I supposed to do?
Do you want to go through --
Larry, do you want to go through
Robbie's list of prize catches?
-Not again.
-'Cause fuckin' --
no, remember this?
Remember rotten Rebecca?
The one that smelled like
a fucking fish market.
-Oh, God.
-She was great.
Yeah, had to walk out
of the room every time...
-Rotten Rebecca.
-...every time she fucking
walked in one.
Oh, my God.
That honestly made me
want to throw up.
That was so gross.
Who else? Come on.
Do you want to talk about Tina?
-Tina?
-Googly eyed Tina?
Do you want me to keep going?
That's my point.
-That was a condition.
-Do you want me to keep going?
-She couldn't help it.
-Okay.
-She's a beautiful woman.
-Can you shut the fuck up?
JAY: Okay, babe, no, seriously.
He's been her employee
for years.
One, I think
it's illegal if they fuck.
And two, he'll never
close the deal.
[ Warbling ]
LAHNA: She had that glow
in her eyes.
JAY: Okay, okay, fine.
No, she fucking might have.
But he won't even come close to
closing the deal.
-What?
-Not at all.
LAHNA: 1,000 percent
they're fucking tonight.
-Fuck that.
-Unless Robbie's dick
gets chopped up,
they're gonna fuck tonight.
JAY: What are you fuck--
Fuck that. Okay. All right.
-You want him bet?
-Yeah.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
JAY: Okay, great, great,
great, great.
Alright, how much you fucking
want to bet then?
Are you ever going
to settle down,
you know, chill the fuck out.
Are you?
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Hopefully.
-Oh, okay, great.
Well, maybe I'll fucking settle
down when I can find a man
that can keep up with me.
Do you know how hard it
is being in a world
surrounded by so many boys
that can't handle a woman
who can out drink, out earn
and out fuck them,
for the love of God?
Do you know
how many men cannot fuck?
-There's a few.
-No.
-And some can.
-None of them know
how to eat pussy.
I'll tell you that right now.
-See, I beg to differ.
-No.
In fact, I would argue
there are one,
maybe two people
in this general vicinity
who can do it with the ferocity
of a fucking tyrannosaurus
-No, No.
-[ Growling ]
-Larry.
-Larry.
Can you please,
for the love of God,
give me one more round.
-[ Footsteps thudding ]
-LAHNA: I'll be you
that if they fuck,
I'll make you a steak dinner.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Wearing nothing but an apron.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
JAY: If I lose?
LAHNA: Oh, when you lose,
you have to eat my
ass out on this throne.
JAY: Well, why wait? Why don't
I eat it fuckin' right now?
Daddy's hungry.
Ah! Daddy!
[ Gasps ] Oh!
I can trace it back
every fucking time.
The second they cut their hair,
they cut their worst record!
Ah, it's just such
an absurd claim.
It isn't -- It's a fucking
absurdly correct claim.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Is what it is. Okay?
Do you remember that fucking
study I showed you?
-Oh, yeah. The scientist one.
-Yes, the fuckin' scientist one.
The second that they cut
the hair of
a Native American person,
they lost, like,
-all sense of intuition.
-Okay.
-Like fucking all of it.
-First off.
-And it's really scary.
-First off.
Whatever bullshit fucking blog
you pulled that study off --
-A government study, dude.
-Government.
Has about as much merit as
the fucking Reddit thread.
-Okay.
-Second off, second off,
that has absolutely zero
fucking merit when it comes to
talking about somebody's actual
musical ability.
Okay. I'm going to go through
the fucking list.
-Okay, do it.
-Metallica.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
They cut their hair,
the fuckers release "Load."
Yeah? Soundgarden.
Cornell cuts his hair off.
Opts for the Spencers Gift tips
with the frosted spikes,
and then the motherfuckers
release "Superunknown"!
-What is that?!
-Boom! Boom right there, bitch!
Voids your argument?
Do you know why?
-Why? Tell me why.
-'Cause "Superunknown",
-peak Soundgarden.
-Oh, fuckin' --
-Are you kidding me?
-Not one bad track on the album.
TORI: Are you actually going to
stop with the fucking
Jesus Christ pose right now?
What the fuck?!
Are you serious?!
-Are you fuckin' --
-[ Groans ]
Are you fucking kidding me?
[ Laughs ]
That's so fuckin' dumb,
so fuckin' dumb.
-[ Groans ]
-Let me guess.
You prefer you prefer, uh,
you prefer Van Hagar?
"Prefer" is a strong word.
They lost zero appeal
when Diamond Dave ducked out.
-Oh! Really?
-Yes, really.
Because it's around that time
that they got
rid of their guitar god,
and then replaced him
with a synth loving clone
of said guitar god.
Alright, get your ass
off the bar, Robbie.
-Oh.
-Hate to break up the party.
I got four little
diaper pissers at home.
They're going to wake me
up in four hours. Let's --
Yes, thank you.
I don't want to listen to this
fucking guy anyway.
-Sweet baby. Jesus.
-Mm, got my card.
Slow your roll, Larry.
Got two more coming my way.
-I'll pour you one.
-Hands behind your back.
-Hands behind my back?
-You're lucky like you.
Yeah, and you're lucky I don't
have health inspector
shut this shit hole down.
[ Chuckles ]
He's right.
Is he right?
-And pour Tori and her new beau.
-Oh, thanks, man.
One and one for yourself, Larry.
I didn't know
you two were a thing.
-We're not.
-Yet.
Get fucked.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
LAHNA: Ah, yeah!
[ Lahna gasping, moaning ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Lahna gasping, moaning ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Whirring ]
MONROE: The wife's back
is with her family.
So that's why I'm spending
Christmas alone.
Unless you count
that fucking mutt
that won't keep its trap shut.
Why do you have a fucking
dog then, man?
You think I wanted that thing?
-That's all Donna.
-Okay.
That little son of a whore
is like an angel around her.
But with me, just me,
it won't shut the fuck up
because I won't spoil him,
like Donna does.
Just like with her old man.
Yeah, I think -- I think it
sounds like the dog just
probably needs, like, some
lovin' from Daddy Monroe.
-Like.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think the little bastard needs
his balls clipped.
-Hey, man.
-Sure.
Donna had me get
my balls clipped
-two days after Henry was born.
-Jesus fucking Christ.
You're gonna wake up
a sleeping, Junior.
Well, uh, here,
let's have a toast.
I think you've had enough
there, Supercuts.
-[ Laughs ]
-Cheers.
-[ Glasses clink ]
-Cheers.
Here, let me, uh, cover
what these kids are drinking.
-Oh, no, no, that's --
-No, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-You...
-Thank you, Chief.
-...keep the rest for yourself.
-Thank you.
MONROE: Watch yourself
with that one.
Merry Christmas, Sheriff.
Shit, that little punk
motherfucker,
wipe that smirk off...
Mm. That sucked the
fucking Christmas early.
ROBBIE: God damn, what a sad
fuckin' human being.
LARRY: You gonna be
good to drive?
Uh, no.
I drove with Robbie --
I fuckin' walked with Robbie.
If I drove you, you'd be fucked.
So much for drinking
every guy under the table.
Excuse me. You've got, like,
at least five pounds on me.
Soaking wet maybe.
LARRY: Get her home safe.
Robbie.
What the fuck's that's
supposed to mean?
-It's a big world out there.
-You get home safe.
Better watch for your children.
[ Laughs ]
-I'm just kidding.
-Sounded so threatening.
-Good night.
-Thank you, Larry.
-Ugh.
-Come on.
-[ Footsteps thudding ]
-[ Lahna moaning ]
LAHNA: Yes!
JAY: Oh, shit.
LAHNA: Not yet.
JAY: It's coming early.
LAHNA: Hold it.
No, baby, hold it.
Hold it! You better not!
Fuck! You better not!
Ah!
[ Screams ]
Like, what did
he arrest you for?
It was fucking --
you were like --
you were like pissing
on a playground.
I didn't know the kid
was going to show up like that.
Oh, fuck, and the kid
was his grandson.
Yeah, I made him a man.
That's fucked.
You took that away from him.
-I know.
-You took it away him.
[ Lahna screaming ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Panting ]
[ Screams ]
Somebody help!
Do you want to keep drinking,
or...?
I mean, yeah.
What are you thinking?
-What am I thinking?
-Yeah.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Lahna screams ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Screams ]
You can come over
and kill that bottle with me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Come kill the fucking bottle.
I said come over for a drink,
not over for a fuck.
[ Screams ]
-[ Screams ]
-[ Glass shatters ]
Well, it sounds like someone's
hankering for a little bit of --
[ Lahna screaming ]
-You hear that?
-Hear what?
[ Screaming ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Glass shatters ]
Yeah, dawg!
Jay hitting that pipe.
Yeah, he's hitting
that fucking pipe.
Speaking of, have you seen it?
Yeah, it's fucking fat
as fuck.
-It's fat.
-Oh, he be gaping that shit
for sure.
[ Thud ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
How old are you, fuckin' 12?
I can see you smoking
that blunt from here!
-I didn't fuckin' ask --
-I said give it to me!
I need to salvage
this Lincoln Log...
-No!
-...before you run it into
the fuckin' ground.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Yeah, I want to fuckin'
salvage this thing.
What are we watching when
we get to yours,
"A Christmas Story"?
What is your fucking obsession
with "A Christmas Story"?
What's your issue
with "A Christmas Story"?
You're the one that
brought it up earlier.
Everyone's obsessed with it.
If you want to watch
a Bob Clark Christmas movie
will watch
fucking "Black Christmas."
Oh, that --
that Blumhouse joint?
I'm just going to
drive myself home.
No, no, no. You said we were
going to my car --
If you want to go home
and fucking jerk off
-to fucking Blumhouse movies --
-Get your fuckin' ass over here.
Okay, but are you done spewing
garbage out of your fuckin'
-whore mouth?
-Oh, there it is.
There's your fuckin'
Rhode Island accent.
I maybe sound like
I'm from Rhode Island,
but at least I don't have
shit taste in movies,
shit opinions on everything,
and drive a fucking shit car.
ROBBIE: Uh, excuse me,
this is basically
the same as your fucking car.
Don't say that about her.
She's beautiful.
-Also --
-I get her first.
ROBBIE: My lady. My lady.
You got to get in on this side.
You haven't got
this fucking car fixed yet?
ROBBIE: With what you pay me,
you think I can afford
a fucking door?
What are you doing
with your paychecks?
-This is --
-My minimum, my minimum --
That's embarrassing.
ROBBIE: My minimum
fucking wage paycheck.
Yeah, your minimum
fucking wage paycheck.
-Get it.
-That should be
-a fucking priority.
-Please.
-Wow.
-Lady.
No, I changed my fucking mind.
I changed my mind.
Hop in, hot shot.
We got fucking whiskey waiting.
-Get in.
-Oh, whiskey you say?
-Yes.
-Okay, in that case,
-shut your fucking mouth.
-Oh, this mouth.
This fucking whore mouth
and that devil's tongue, baby.
-Ew, shut the -- Robbie.
-Come on, what?
-This is a --
-Get your fuckin' ass in.
Don't touch my fuckin' ass.
She got a bit of a fight in her.
All right.
-Call fucking H.R.
-I'll give you space.
No wonder you don't
get fuckin' laid.
[ Cans clattering ]
-Look at this.
-What?
No wonder you don't
get fucking laid.
-This is disgusting.
-It adds to the flavor.
Adds to the flavor of what?
A fucking chicken coop.
This is fucked up.
Some empty cans and bottles.
That's Tori Tooms' break?
No, but it's the nail
in the fucking coffin
because this is really bad.
-Come on, baby.
-How do you live like this?
-Let's cowboy up.
-Just take my car.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-Just take my fucking card.
You just got to be patient
with her.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-I'm gonna lose my buzz.
[ Laughs ]
[ Engine starts ]
-Hey!
-Oh, God.
-Jesus.
-Feel that between my pants.
We're going to have to roll this
up the hill ourselves.
-Alright.
-Whoa. Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't feel safe.
What are you -- okay.
She's road worthy.
Don't even worry about it.
TORI: Okay! Here we go.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Oh, if this guy parks his
fucking Ranchero here
one more time,
I'm going to total it,
smash out his fucking windows.
ROBBIE: Little harsh
to the Griswolds.
TORI: NO, it's boozin' Benny
down at the bottom of the hill.
-He's a fucking alcoholic.
-Boozin' Benny.
TORI: Just pull up behind
my sister's car.
ROBBIE: Wait.
Your sister is here?
TORI: Do you not listen
to a fucking thing I say?
ROBBIE: Well, I mean, I listen,
but I don't retain.
TORI: Yeah, well, I don't want
to retain the stink
from this fucking chicken coop,
so get out.
Come on, let's go drink.
-Beautiful.
-Oh, Jesus.
-All right, my lady.
-Listen, I really can't --
Please exit your chariot.
I honestly -- I'm -- whoa.
I'm too drunk for this. Jesus.
Walk carefully, please.
Thank you.
And treat her
with respect and dignity.
Uh, welcome to my humble abode.
Yeah, it's cute. It's uh --
Charming, classy, cute.
I know.
-Yeah, sure.
-Extravagant.
-Rustic.
-Yeah.
Humble. Barn-like.
I really hope we don't take
my sister out because
I don't want to have
to awkwardly introduce you.
Wait, so are we drinking
alone tonight, or what?
Robbie, do not fucking
listen to me?
They're out cold.
Out cold already?
It's not even midnight.
Plus, my lame ass brother in law
doesn't even drink, so...
Oh, that fucking cunt Mike.
Yeah?
Mr. Hollywood? Yeah. [ Laughs ]
[ Rock music playing ]
These goddamn neighbors and
their fucking obnoxious lights.
Hey, Tori.
How much music was there
in "Unsolved Mysteries"?
-[ Chuckles ] What?
-I mean, like, I don't --
I don't want to --
I don't want to scare you,
like, in your own home,
but there's like six hours
worth of the
"Unsolved Mysteries" soundtrack?
What the fuck is your problem
with "Unsolved Mysteries"?
I mean, like, 30 second intro,
and then, like,
do you need six hours?
TORI: Have you heard it?
No, not the entire fucking
expanse of isolated soundtrack.
Oh, well, it is the fucking
creepiest goddamn synth pads
you will ever hear
in your fucking life.
-Mm-hmm. Right.
-They're amazing. Put it on.
Yeah, okay. No, I've already got
something queued up.
No, put it on. I want you to get
like soaked up and like
-immersed in it.
-No, no, no, I'm good.
-I'm good.
-It's so good. Please.
Robbie. All right, fine. At
least I know it won't be "Load."
-Oh, I know. I already looked.
-Oh, did you?
Of course.
Oh, come on, Robbie.
"Rhythms From a Cosmic Sky" is,
like, at least four times --
Oh, you're the worst
fuckin' opinion.
No, everybody knows that.
What are you talking about?
Uh, it's in your collection.
Yeah, because I'm a completist.
Thank you.
-Not for Metallica.
-Shut up.
Follow -- get that
fucking thing away from me.
Okay.
I'm weirdly turned on by this.
-Really?
-But I need you to stop.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
MAN: Hey, Freddy.
Buddy, let's not open gifts.
[ Groans ]
There's absolutely
no fucking way
that you actually think
that "Pet Sematary 2"
is better than
the fucking first one!
It's twice is good, if not
fucking three times, okay?
It's good. Not better.
Not better. No.
Edward Furlong,
Clancy fucking Brown.
Who, by the way, chews up
scenery like it's a piece of
fucking gum,
and that soundtrack.
They've got 12 tracks
of female fronted
fucking aggressive as hell,
early '90s grunge!
Traci Lords has three goddamn
songs on the album,
and they're fucking good,
they're so good.
So, you think it's better
because Traci Lords, porn star,
fucking superstar, big titty
Traci Lords has, what, like,
fuckin' two tracks on the album.
No, three, by the way,
and better story.
Better music, obviously.
Better kills.
Better makeup,
better fucking cast and...
Lord Gwynn aside,
I will say, you got me there.
But Mary Lambert, she was
finally given free reign.
-Yeah, that was a mistake.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-What the fuck are you doing?
-What?
What fucking Neanderthal puts
salsa on nachos
-before they cook them?
-Me.
MAN: Freddy, put it away
and get to bed.
-"Elm Street."
-Part 6, "Freddy's Dead."
-Come the fuck on.
-Yeah.
Whoa! Hellraiser?
-"Hell on Earth."
-Child's Play?
-Alien?
-"Covenant."
-Oh, no, No, no.
-Yes.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
-okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Okay.
Blair Witch?
-Book of Motherfucking
Shadows", bitch?
It's a fucking classic,
and you're going to watch it,
and you'll -- stop.
You'll get it. I promise.
Do you use your little
fucking fingers, like,
typing on the keyboard,
and you're like,
"Oh, like Reddit,
Reddit thread."
-Shut the fuck up.
No, no, I am like,
I am a gal with fucking
strong opinions.
And now we're going to take
a shot to
"Book of"
motherfuckin' "Shadows"
because it's so good.
Ah.
[ Laughing ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Oh, fuck.
Jesus.
[ Laughing ]
[ Crash ]
MAN: Freddy, that better
not be you.
If you're opening those gifts,
I swear to God.
Hey, you know what happens
if I come down there.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
ROBBIE: Sorry, sorry.
[ Laughing ] Fuck it.
MAN: Freddy?
Freddy, is that you, buddy?
Said we weren't gonna open
or touch any of these gifts
till Santa got --
Get the fuck out of my house.
I'm calling the cops right now.
Oh, shit!
[ Thud ]
Wait.
Oh, king shit.
[ Screams ]
[ Squish ]
[ Squelching ]
Frankie, what was --
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
Frankie!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, what the fuck?
[ Sighs ]
That was...
unexpected.
Too bad find out
about that earlier.
Yeah, it's too bad.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
This thing is USDA approved
organic prime man meat.
Sorry, Are you asking me
to peg you?
I'm not asking.
I'm inviting.
Please, sir, may I have a hit?
[ Panting ]
-No! Pl-- Aah!
-[ Thud ]
TORI: I'm gonna get some more
whiskey, flip the record.
Come back up.
Don't fucking move.
BOY: Mom?
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Mommy?
You okay?
Santa?
Where's Mommy?
Did you bring me
any good presents?
You did!
[ Heavy rock music plays ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps thudding ]
Oh. Fuck, fuck!
Fuck me.
Damn it.
Jesus.
That's fucked.
Not stupid clothes again.
Why are you so bloody?
Mommy?
Mom!
[ Screams ]
-Oh, fuck!
-What?
-This guy --
-Tori!
I think he maybe
just killed the kid next door.
What the hell are you
talking about?
Oh, fuck.
[ Both gasp ]
Oh, fuck!
Call the fucking cops now.
Come on.
Fuck. Have you seen my phone?
Fuck! Get my phone!
-It's upstairs.
-Shit. Is your phone down here?
Robbie, go! Find a phone!
[ Sighs ]
Robbie? He's gone.
ROBBIE: What?
Robbie, he's fucking gone.
He saw us. The fucker's gonna
come over here.
Find a phone
and get the fuck out.
I have to get my sister.
Liddy, Mike, wake the fuck up.
Get your asses out of bed.
There's no time to explain.
Come on, we --
-Come on. We have to go.
-What is going on?
Uh, uh, where's your phone?
It's up there.
There weren't any outlets.
Okay. Get out of bed.
Put your shoes on.
Put your shoes on now.
Come on.
Mike, get the fuck up.
I'm trying to help you.
-Alright, alright.
-Does it look like I'm joking?
You fucking idiot!
Get out of bed!
All right, come on, move it.
You should go.
No, you go.
Mike, get the fuck out.
-Alright.
-Go!
Fuck you, go.
ROBBIE: I have no idea
what the fuck my phone is.
Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Where are you keys?
I don't know.
I must have left them
in the truck or something.
Well, if they're not in the
fucking truck, where are they?
I don't fucking know, do I?
Liddy, do you have your keys?
Your fucking keys, Liddy?
-Where are they?
-Get the keys.
The keys? What do you
want with the fuckin' --
Shut the fuck up, you cunt.
Okay. Do you want me
to get the keys or not?
-Yes.
-Fine. I'll get the keys.
Jesus.
Did anybody see where he went?
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're going to go
to the basement.
-What if it's in the basement?
-Then we don't have
anywhere to go, do we?
Okay, hang on.
MIKE: All right, I got the keys.
-Shh!
-Look, I didn't even
want to come here
in the first --
Shut the fuck up, Mike.
Shut the fuck up.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Screams ]
Get up!
[ Screaming ]
Run!
Get out!
[ All shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
TORI: Go! Fucking! Go!
[ Screams ]
Liddy!
Get -- fuck! Shit!
No!
No! Please!
No! Please! No!
[ Gasping ]
[ Retches ]
Hey, hey, you got to get in,
you got to get in,
you got to get in,
you got to get in,
Hey, she's not coming?
Okay.
-I need my sister --
-Listen to me. Listen to me.
Listen to me, listen.
Okay, she's not coming, okay?
You've got to get in the car.
Okay? For me. Please.
Please, please, please,
please, please.
Yeah, okay, come on. Yeah.
Get up, come on.
Just get in there.
Yeah, okay, get in there.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-I need Liddy here right now.
-I need Liddy here.
-Hey.
-Come on, Robbie!
-Come on!
Fuck you! Fuck!
[ Engine sputters, starts ]
Go, Robbie, come on.
[ Gasping ]
Robbie! Robbie!
[ Screams ]
-Fuck.
-Oh, fuck!
Are you all right?
-Yeah.
-Okay. Well, we got to --
We got to go. We got to go
because he's gonna come back.
-[ Engine revs ]
-Come on!
-Fuck! It's stuck.
-Try going forward.
MAN: What the fuck?!
-Fuck.
-Oh, fuck!
Totaled by fuckin' Ranchero!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[ Engine revving ]
-Come on.
-Fuck!
You fucking cocksuckers!
-Hey.
-B, hey, hey.
Get the fuck out of the car.
TORI: I can't get out of the
fucking car. Listen to me.
What is with this door? Hey,
you two bit fuckin' scumbag,
get the fuck out of the car.
Come on.
-Oh, what the fuck?
-Fuck!
Get out of the fucking car!
Oh, look, the paint's
all fucked up, man!
I just got this detailed!
I'm calling the fuckin' cops on
your ass, Tori.
-Hello?
-Go now.
-246 --
-Fuck. He's coming.
-[ Horn honking ]
-He's right there! Hey!
He can't fucking
hear you because --
-Hey, behind you!
-Hey, behind you!
-Behind you!
-No, no, no, no!
No!
-[ Horn honking ]
-Stop fucking honking!
Oh!
Okay, go.
-[ Engine revving ]
-Go, come on, let's go!
ROBBIE: I'm trying!
Oh, oh!
[ Screams ]
Okay, okay! Fucking drive!
[ Groans ]
No! No! No!
No!
Fucker! Robbie!
No, fuck off!
Robbie!
No! No! Robbie! No!
Oh, fuck!
No, Robbie. You got to get up.
You got to get up right now.
Get up right now, come on!
Get your ass -- get your ass up,
come on!
Get the fuck up, Robbie!
-[ Horn honking ]
-Somebody help us!
Where the fuck is everyone?
No! Robbie, Robbie,
he's coming back.
-[ Horn honking ]
-Come on, get up, get up.
Get it here, Robbie!
No! Behind you!
Behind you!
No!
Robbie!
[ Siren wailing ]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Hide!
Drop the weapon!
Now!
Hey!
Don't come any closer!
Kill this motherfucker!
Drop the weapon now!
[ Gunshots ]
[ Thuds ]
This is Officer Danny Davis.
I got at least three people
down at 246 Chestnut.
Send back up
and an ambulance immediately.
[ Tori gasping ]
[ Police radio chatter ]
It's gonna be okay.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me!
It's okay. Help is on the way.
Help is on the way, okay?
-Are you sure he's dead?
-Yes. He's dead.
He's dead.
He's not getting up.
I got you.
Oh, Robbie.
-I got you.
-Oh, Robbie. Robbie!
It's okay, it's okay. Don't
look at him. Don't look at him.
Okay, stay calm.
Help is on the way, alright?
It's gonna be okay. It's gonna
be fi-- Watch your head.
Can you tell me what happened?
-You need to check the store.
-What?
The toy store.
You need to check the toy store.
Why?
Because that thing looks exactly
like the Santa from the store.
You mean the T.W. Bonkers thing?
Yeah.
That fucking guy looks exactly
like the thing from the store.
I can assure it's not
on the same Santa.
No, no, that's -- I'm saying
that maybe he took
the fucking suit or something.
And my friends, my friends were
staying the night there,
and -- and maybe that fucker
killed them and then took
the fucking suit.
That's what I'm saying.
He didn't get that
thing anywhere.
You need to fucking check!
Okay?
-There's only a few of us, okay?
-I don't fucking care.
Listen to me. No one's been
fucking listening to me.
There's only a few of us!
You need to do
a fucking drive by!
-More people are gonna die!
-Once everything --
Once everything is all right,
I can go back and do a check.
More people are gonna
fucking die!
Calm down.
Shoot him! Fucking shoot him!
Blow his fucking head off,
Davies, now!
[ Gun clicks ]
He's done for!
Ah!
Davies?
Davies? Davies, get the fuck up!
Hey! Oh, you fuckin' idiot!
Come on!
Get up!
Behind you!
No, no, no, no, no!
[ Gasps ]
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Ho, ho, ho!
[ Distorted ] Merry Christmas.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Engine revving ]
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ Police radio chatter ]
Hello?
Officer Davis was killed, okay?
He's fucking dead.
Is anyone there?
[ Static ]
Listen to me.
The officers going to
246 Chestnut
need to be fucking careful
because the killer is
still there, and he looks like
fucking Santa, okay?
He's in a Santa costume.
Fuck!
-[ Police radio chatte ]
-Oh, fuck.
Yes, go!
[ Sirens wailing ]
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Get on the ground!
-No, I've been calling you!
Don't fuckin' move!
On the ground!
-Get on the ground!
-Get your hands on your head!
-I need your help!
-Hands on your head.
-I need your --
-Get your fucking hands
-on your head!
-Fine, I'm fucking sorry!
OFFICER: Get your hands on
your fucking head!
-No, no, no, I need your help.
-Where's Davies?
I need your help.
I need your fucking help, man.
Where is Davies?
Get your hands behind your back.
He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.
-What did you just say?
-He's dead. He's fuckin' dead.
-[ Handcuffs click ]
-They're all fucking dead.
-Bullshit! Where is he!
-He's dead!
I've been trying to
fucking tell you!
-What did you do?
-I didn't do anything?
-I didn't do anything
-What did you do?
I need your fuckin' help!
I need your fuckin' help!
-Get up, sweetheart. Get up!
-I need -- Ah!
[ Screams ] He's still there!
You need help, you need help.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I call the shots!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Weston, you get down
to Chestnut. I'm taking her --
I'm taking you in.
You can't alone.
You're gonna fuckin' die.
-Listen.
-You need to call in some --
-Hey!
-You got to fuckin listen to me.
You're gonna fucking die.
He killed everybody.
-You need back up!
-Get in the fuckin' car!
-You need back up!
-Fuck! Shut the fuck up.
What do you want to do
with Davies' car?
Nothing. Don't touch it.
Fucking crime scene.
I'll call and have it
towed into the station.
Alright. Be safe.
TORI: I need your fucking help.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Do you fucking job.
Shut the fuck up!
[ Police radio chatter ]
You can't send him there alone.
I don't think you're in any
position to tell me what to do.
You know, you're in a world
of hurt, lady.
-No fucking --
-You're in a world
-of fucking shit.
-No fucking idea!
We caught you covered in blood
and a missing cop --
MAN: Unit 17, Smith, you there?
Yeah. This is unit 17.
This is Smith. Go ahead.
MAN: This is Lenny.
We just got here.
It's a massacre, and we haven't
even been inside yet.
Alright, copy that. Look, don't
make a move, alright?
Just hang back.
Weston's on his way down there.
Any word from Renn County?
MAN: Just us right now, sir.
Any sign of Davies?
MAN: He's dead, sir.
Fuck! Fuck! Motherfucker!
I just saw you at Reggie's
three goddamn hours ago.
I don't understand.
What is there
to fucking understand?
What I don't understand
is the lax fucking attitude
when people are fucking dead.
Look, Tori, we know you didn't
murder anyone,
but we're having a hard time
believing what you're saying.
I'm having a hard time
fucking believing it. Okay?
But I saw it. I saw it
with my own goddamn eyes.
And my fucking eyes don't lie.
Okay, Monroe?
Listen, I can smell the weed
and whiskey on you
-from a mile away.
-Yeah. So fucking what?
I smoked some weed.
I had some fucking whiskey.
But that does not
make you hallucinate.
I promise you. I promise you.
After what I saw, I'm sober.
I'm sober as a fucking --
Oh, that's good you're sober.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
Ms. Tooms,
but it is still illegal.
Can you shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
My sister is dead!
Okay? My fucking friends
are dead.
Not that you give
a fuck about him.
But what are you going
to do about it?
-What do you --
-Hey! Hey!
The best goddamn officer
in this precinct is dead.
Now, if you want to be the one
to tell his widow.
Oh, fuck. Debbie.
Someone's got to tell Debbie.
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby.
We're all getting
a little emotional here.
Just cut it. Both of yous.
You, sit down.
Get this fucking
off your fucking desk.
[ Monroe sighs ]
Have you heard from the boys
down at the scene yet?
Not since Renn County
showed up.
They're still down
there counting bodies.
Nothing about a killer
Santa Claus either.
MONROE: Well, why don't you
give him a call?
It's been a little while now.
See if they need any help.
I think they got it
under control.
Double check.
Fuck!
You need to keep that asshole
away from me, Monroe.
He's worked with Davies
for over 15 years now.
We're tight staff. Look around.
It's been a rough night
for all of us.
-[ Laughing ]
-Bear with us.
We'll do the same.
Just breathe.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, I'm going to brew
a fresh pot of coffee.
There's a bathroom down the hall
if you want to
clean yourself up some.
[ Electric buzzing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Indistinct talking
in distance ]
SMITH: There is no
fucking back up, man.
MONROE: Just hold on a second.
Just hold on a second.
We got to think this out.
TORI: Oh, shit.
Have tried the guys
from Renn?
Yep, Renn, paramedics, Weston.
Nothing.
CHP? Anything?
-Nope.
-Hey. Hey. Hey.
-What's going on?
-You coming with me or not?
TORI: Something happen? You guys
can't go back to my house.
-I told you.
-We're police, Tori.
-That's what we do.
-Well, no.
You need to call the fucking
National Guard or something.
He wiped everybody out.
He's going to wipe you out!
Hey, you know, Monroe,
maybe you should stay here.
You can, baby sit
the little girl.
Okay, you know what?
If you don't want to fucking
listen to me,
you go out there and die.
Because, quite frankly,
I don't fucking care.
Tori, we're going to go,
we're gonna lock the door.
-No, no.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh.
-[ Siren wailing ]
-What is that?
Yeah. What the fuck is that?
That an ambulance?
Oh, fuck. It's him.
Oh, Santa Claus?
-Yeah, it's fuckin' Santa Claus.
-Fuckin' Santa Claus!
It's the motherfucker
that killed everybody.
Okay, okay, uh...
-Oh, fuck.
-He's not stopping.
Fuck!
[ Explosion ]
[ Glass shattering ]
Fuck! Ah!
MONROE: Is everyone all right?
Yeah, I think I'm fine.
-Tori?
-Uh, yeah.
[ Coughing ]
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck was that?
Hey, Tori, take these,
go to the holding room,
lock yourself in.
No, no, no!
There's fucking people dead.
You need to give me a gun. You
need to give me a fucking gun.
-Where the driver?
-You're 38. Give her your 38.
Are you out
of your fucking mind?
-Give me your fucking gun.
-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, do you even know
how to use that thing?
TORI: Yeah. You aim is and pull
the fucking trigger.
Yeah?
Let's go.
[ Panting ]
Cover me.
Okay. I'm clear.
Tori, get in there!
Stay away from the fucking car!
He's in there!
Do you see anything?
Something's not right.
Something's not right!
Yeah, he's not fucking human.
That's what's not right.
Do you see anything?
[ Screaming, gunshots ]
Monroe! Monroe!
Oh, fuck!
Where are you, motherfucker?!
Show yourself!
Get out of here now!
Come on, motherfucker!
Let me see your face.
Hey!
Come on, fuck you!
Oh, no, wait!
No! No!
Aah!
Oh, fuck!
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Taser pops ]
Oh, God. Okay.
Hello? Oh, fuck!
Fuck.
[ Gasps ]
Okay, okay, okay.
Uh...
Hello?
Hello?
Fuck!
[ Police radio chatter ]
[ Static ]
Hello? Hello, is anyone there?
Dispatch, I'm at the fuckin'
police station.
I need your help.
Hello? Someone fuckin' answer
me, please.
Fuck!
[ Electricity powers down ]
[ Flames crackling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Crashing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Glass shattering ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Screams ]
Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
No! No! No!
No! No!
No, no! No!
[ Taser crackling ]
-[ Taser crackling ]
-[ Screaming ]
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Spits ]
Fucking cocksucker!
[ Panting ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Panting ]
Hello? Hello?
Can anybody hear me?
Everybody's fucking dead!
Please, someone, please!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Fuck! Okay.
Come on, come on, come on.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-Yes, come on! Come on!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Engine starts ]
Yes! Yes!
Ah!
[ Running footsteps ]
[ Tires squealing ]
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck you! No!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Tires squeal ]
Fuck you!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
No! No!
No!
What the fuck?! Fuck!
Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
[ Groans ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Explosion ]
[ Metal clanging ]
[ Grunts ]
Fuck!
[ Panting ]
[ Grunts ]
Fuck!
-[ Glass shatters ]
-Fuck!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Flames crackling ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Panting ]
What the fuck?!
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ]
Okay.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Whirring ]
No, no, no, no!
No!
[ Gasping ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Come on. Come on.
[ Crackling ]
Come on! No, no, no!
Come on!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
come on!
Come on! Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
Oh, fuck!
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fuck!
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ] No!
[ Screaming ]
Fuck! No!
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Crackling ]
No! No!
No! No! No!
Fuck! Fuck!
Ah! Fuck!
[ Screams ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
MAN: This holiday season,
show your loved ones
that you really care
by getting them the gift
that they've always wanted.
Whoa, Dad! Really?!
GIRL: Yes!
Is there anything else?
[ Gasps ] Wow.
Slim Jenko!
This is just what I wanted!
I want some!
We can all have some.
MAN: We here at Slim Jenko
pride ourselves
on delivering a rich,
flavorful malt beverage
for the entire family.
Make us part
of your holiday tradition.
MAN #2: This Friday night
at midnight on Channel 83.
-Mommy!
-Lester.
Lester, what are you doing?
"Killed on Christmas:
The Lester Lord stor--"
[ Hard rock music playing ]
WOMAN: Including a regulation
busting 2,500 milligrams
of pure THC.
MAN #3: Kunz Christmas
Creampies,
an established cream pie
professional for over 50--
MAN #4: The U.S. Defense
Department has spent over
a trillion dollars on the most
cutting edge robot technology,
deployed overseas for a swift
victory against America's
deadliest enemies, and now
Sowell Robotic Products
is here to make that technology
fun for the entire family.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
MAN #4:
Introducing RoboSanta Plus
for the upcoming holiday season,
with a vocabulary
of over 90,000 words,
a full range of motion,
and built with
military grade construction,
RoboSanta Plus fully replaces
your local degenerate
mall Santa, keeping you
and your children safe.
Exclusively this weekend
at Midland Mall and GW Bonkers.
[ Static ]
I am the yule tide cold
Leave the winter closed
Like hive of holy
Well, I dream of you
Nothing is
And the slick
To not peak at your
breast, love
Before the devil reigns
TORI: Thanks for
coming in, guys.
Thank you. Have a good one.
Oh, shit!
Hi.
You look amazing.
Hey, let me know if
you need anything.
TORI: Hey, it's almost 7:00,
so I'm going to start
closing up out back.
You got it?
-Yeah.
-Oh, can you put this away?
-Sure.
-Thank you.
-Hey!
-Oh, shit.
-Merry Christmas.
-Hi.
It's about time you show
your fucking face around here.
Yeah, I've been busy.
You guys are swamped.
-I know, I know.
I thought you and Lahna
were closing tonight.
Yeah, no, I told her I had to
run home because I, um...
Didn't get her gift.
-I did get her a gift.
-Oh, did you?
But I'm now second guessing it,
so now I'm going
-to get some records.
-Oh, yeah, you should be
second guessing this.
She has both of these.
-She does.
-She does. Yeah.
Uh, follow me. Come on.
You guys been together
for, what, like a year?
How are you this fucking dumb?
No, I'm not -- It's --
I can't tell the difference
between all these bands that
the logos all look the same.
-They all look the fucking same?
-They all look the same.
-All scratchy and weird.
-Yeah, they kind of do.
Uh, all right, so what I'm going
to show you now -- Yes.
We saw these guys open at
a festival this summer.
She was fucking all over it.
They've got the psychedelic,
cosmic riff.
She'll fucking love it.
-Deathcrux?
-Yeah.
Okay. And she does
not have this?
-She does not have this.
-Right on.
-You're welcome.
-Yes. No, thank you, Tori.
Thank you.
You saved Christmas again.
TORI: By the way, I will come
and say Merry Christmas
-to Lauren.
-Sounds good.
But just don't tell her
I showed up here, okay?
-What are you talking about?
-Don't do the whole thing you do
-when you're like --
-"Oh, my God, it's so good
-to see you.
-No, yeah, don't do that.
-Okay, bye.
-Okay.
-Robbie.
-Hey, bro.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, man.
Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas
Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas
ROBBIE: Fuck yeah.
Almost 2 grand.
-Yeah, that's a big day.
-Does that mean a big boy bonus?
-Means a bonus, yeah.
-Fuck yeah, dawg!
[ Chuckles ] What are you going
to do with your big bonus?
You got any plans?
Well, the talent show
is at 8:00 p.m.
-So, no, not really.
-Yeah.
What are you going to do this
fine Christmas Eve?
I was potentially going to go
meet up with a dude,
but I don't know.
-A dude, a man.
-Yep.
Okay, on Christmas Eve,
you're going to invite
a stranger to your house.
Uh, a stranger to
Reggie's, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Fuck, they're still open.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Did you meet him organically,
or is this, like, a tinder
sort of scenario?
-Tinder situation, yeah.
-Oh, Tinder, okay.
-Yeah.
-Can I see him?
-Eh.
-Eh. He must be a fucking stud.
What the fuck else
am I supposed to do?
You want me to go home,
drink some whiskey,
sit by the fire by my lonesome,
watch "A Christmas Story"
like every other
fucking douchebag in America?
Yeah. Sounds kind of nice.
Or you to go to
drink some whiskey with me.
Uh, that Lahna's Christmas gift.
-Is it?
-So you can put a fuckin' --
-No longer.
-What the fuck are you doing?
So, fuck no.
I wanted to do that, too.
So hand me some cups,
and let's go.
Are you gonna go see
your pops up north tomorrow?
-Yeah.
-You should probably get
-a head start late tonight.
-No. Fuck that.
One day, in and out, is my rule.
I can't see anything
wrong in that.
-Fair enough.
-Mazel tov.
ROBBIE: Mazel tov.
Cheers, motherfucker.
Only quit stalling.
Show me Tommy Tinder.
What the fuck is
your obsession with this?
-I want to see him.
-I don't want to
-show him to you.
-Is he big? Is he a big boy?
-Oh.
-BBW.
-That what you want to know?
-Yeah.
In that case,
I'll fuckin' show you. Here.
What?
I didn't know you knew
Emmett Eyeliner.
Emmett Eyeliner.
Why are you calling him that?
-Do you know him?
-I know of him.
Did he tell you he got,
like, three kids?
Wait four.
Someone's pregnant now, I think.
-Oh, fuck! He's got kids?
-Yeah.
I don't fucking care.
I just want a little
Christmas Eve schlong.
Well, dude's a genic jackhammer.
-Oh, Jesus.
-Little, uh, sperm canon,
all I'm saying.
Okay, I'm happy you told me
that, so I'll wear my dental dam
and get fucking sauced
before he shows up.
Thank you.
That's so sweet of you.
ROBBIE: Well,
I'll tell you what.
I can go to Reggie's with you
because, um, I don't really
have shit to do.
Robbie, that's very,
very sweet of you,
but I want to get laid.
Not wax poetic
with the regulars.
Well, seeing as you didn't
buy me a Christmas present
this year, I'm going
to take this.
-Oh.
-Thank you.
And you can enjoy your,
what, two hours
of unbearable conversation,
your 7 seconds of lame sex.
You go home, probably, you know,
get yourself off anyway.
Or, I'm just throwing
this out there,
you can have two hours of
amazing, vivacious,
sort of hauntingly
erotic conversation.
-Hauntingly erotic?
-Hauntingly erotic?
And you can go home anyway.
You know, get yourself off,
like, flick your little bean.
-Oh?
-Yeah.
And you don't have to wake up
next to 30 Seconds To Mars.
All right, well, I've got
a proposition for you.
How about you give me back
my fucking whiskey
and stop talking about me
flicking at my fucking bean?
-Okay.
-How about that?
Have you confirmed with him?
No, I have not given him a time.
Poor guy. It's kind of sad.
He's probably at home
scrolling through your
social media, fingers sweaty,
hand firmly on cock, just...
beating that meat,
waiting for your text
to pop up at the top.
Mm. I've blown off
twice already, so.
-Third time's a charm.
-Yeah.
Come on, get a drink
with your old pal Robbie.
It's my long time
employee Robbie.
-That's a little bit harsh.
-It's true. I own you.
-You own me?
-You're on my payroll. Yeah.
Mama. Okay. Okay. Okay.
I'm going to change your mind.
Have you heard his music?
-I have not bothered, no.
-Oh, that answers a lot.
Why? What you got?
ROBBIE: I'll show you something
Something fun.
TORI: Hmm.
All right. Ready?
I'm losing interest already.
Come on.
Alright, you'll see.
Hang on, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
What?
-Oh, my God.
-Soothing.
TORI: Shut the fuck up.
Why is he whisper singing?
ROBBIE: Doesn't want to
wake his parents, probably.
What the fuck?
Turn that off.
Why are you showing
that to me? Stop.
Well, you know, it's not like
you're going to saddle up
with the son of a bitch.
I mean, you should probably
let the guy go back
to his family and his kids.
He's a daddy, after all.
-Daddy?
-Yeah.
Little Tommy Tinder.
Well...
All right.
Let's go get shit faced.
But you're not getting
anything either.
So if you want to go flick
your fucking bean,
do what you need to do.
-Come on.
-All right.
-Turn off the music.
-Well, considering you were
gonna saddle up
with old Emmett Eyeliner,
I'm not sure
how I should feel about that.
Well, I don't work with them
Emmett Eyeliner, do I?
Well, I am better looking in
that douche, though, right?
Do you want to fucking die?
Get your fucking grubby shoes
off the counter.
Kill the music
before I change my mind.
-Should I meet you there or?
-No, We're going to walk.
-Well, it's fucking snowing out.
-Oh, my God. That's so scary!
Come on.
Get those chicken legs out.
Let's go for a walk.
I got to bring this to Lahna.
ROBBIE: Why? They close at 6:00.
They're not going to be open.
No, they'll still be there.
They're having a little
Christmas Eve Fuckfest.
What the hell, Why?
TORI: You don't want to fuck
in a toy store?
No. Well, mm, maybe. I mean...
Sounds like you don't want
to fuck in a toy store.
It's just kind of weird.
Like, I feel sorry for the kid
that's going to go in tomorrow,
buy a teddy bear covered
-in fucking cum.
-Oh, my God.
We're going to scar him.
That poor child.
Come on. Lock up behind you.
ROBBIE:
We could have taken my car.
Would have been a smart option.
Do you want to keep
keep complaining?
Or do you want to just walk
in silence?
-What do you want to do?
-You're the one who was
complaining all day about
fucking Christmas this,
Christmas that, oh, I fucking
hate Christmas.
Well, Christmas fucking sucks.
Do you not agree that there's
no good fucking Christmas music,
-no good Christmas movies.
-Bad Religion had
-a great Christmas album.
-Just fucking get it over with.
-Eh.
-It was good.
There aren't many albums
that give me that spirit
of fucking Christmas.
Well, Bad fuckin' Religion,
ain't it, buddy.
Give me that.
I would go as far to say
there's like fucking two --
two Christmas songs
that are good,
and that's if you don't count,
if and only if, you don't count
fucking Crypt Keeper
"Christmas Rap."
Okay, love
"Tales From the Crypt."
That song sucks the fucking shit
out of my ass.
This is coming from a guy
who jizzes his fucking pants
every single time he hears
Buster Poindexter's cover of
"Zat You, Santa Claus?"
ROBBIE: No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like that cover.
I like the version
with the commentary
from Beavis and Butthead.
-Okay.
-Okay.
"Merry Christmas", Ramones,
then.
That's mine. What's your big
fucking runner up?
Uh, sorry to say,
but "Merry Christmas", Ramones,
that's a fucking runner up.
-Yeah.
-Fuck you.
-First place --
-Fuck you.
First place is our lord
and savior Lemmy
with "Run Rudolph Run."
Oh, it's magic!
ROBBIE: Okay.
It's not like it's Motorhead.
It's Lemmy with
the fucking Foo Fighters.
-Oh, R.I.P.
-Oh, R.I.P.
Also Lemmy is fucking Motorhead,
you idiot.
Yeah.
Hey!
Lahna! [ Laughs ]
She knows you're coming, right?
Yeah, of course
she knows I'm fucking coming.
Oh.
-Hey, bitch.
-Hi!
Mwah! You look so good.
-Thank you.
-Hey, gorgeous.
-Mwah.
-Mwah.
I brought you and Jay
a little something, something.
Ooh, I got you this.
Oh, my God. I love you so much.
-I missed you.
-I missed you, too.
TORI: Where's Jay?
He's in the back, freshening up.
You know, he just gets
a little musty.
He gets a little musty?
-You got a lot going on.
-Musty she says.
LAHNA: Yeah, you know
all about that, right?
-No, I do.
-You know all about that?
-Baby.
-Yeah.
You know all about
a little musty must?
I got a stinky dick.
-[ Laughs ] That's so fucked up.
-Cute, right?
-Bitch.
-Yeah?
You already cracked this open.
We may have had, like,
like a couple of drinks.
This is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.
I know. I know. It's very nice.
And listen.
Because we love you.
we didn't buy it for you.
We're giving it to you.
-Well, merry fucking Christmas.
-Merry fucking Christmas.
-Baby!
-On it. Jesus Christ!
-Hey!
-This motherfucker.
I haven't seen you in so long.
-How are you?
-Oh, yeah. Right?
-How are you?
-Hey, bro.
-Hey, buddy. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-You look good.
-Thank you.
-Yeah, you do.
-I've been doing nothing but
selling toys and fucking
living the clean life.
-Keep up.
-[ Sniffs ]
Oh! Um, what's up with you two?
What's going on here?
-Uh, just grabbing a drink.
-Just grabbing a drink.
I had to talk her out
of some Tinder trash.
You didn't talk me
out of anything.
What was his name?
Emmett -- Emmett --
-We don't have to talk --
-Emmett! Oh, shit!
TORI: No, I think
we're ignoring that.
Motherfuckin' four-kid Emmett.
Four kid Emmett?
-No.
-Nearly five kid Emmett.
Four kid Emmett. Why does
everybody know Emmett
-except for me?
-He's got four kids.
-All right. Well, cheers. Yeah.
-No, no, no.
What was the song? What was
the song? It was...
We don't need the song.
And her heart
whispers in my head
-Alright, fuckers.
-Go for it, tap on in.
Because she's half dead
-Tori!
-No, no, no, no.
Come back, come back,
come back, come back.
-Come back, come back.
-Alright, you guys, I'm back.
-It's a catchy song.
-It's a good song.
It's the feel good hit
of the winter.
-Okay, cheers.
-Cheers.
-To Christmas!
-To Christmas!
-Bah humbug.
-Bah humbug.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
Come sit on Santa's lap
and tell him what you
want for Christmas.
-Ugh!
-[ Laughs ]
-I fucking hate that.
-No, they all get recalled.
Priest said that to me
when I was a young boy.
Are you okay?
You're not fucking okay.
-No, I'm not well.
-It's so bad.
Thank God they're taking it out
on Friday.
Has he ever come to life
while you guys were fucking?
Oh, he joins.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-He's anatomical.
-Oh, really?
-Big bad Santa.
-Okay.
-Big Santa.
-But I am hoping that they
leave behind this aspect of it.
TORI: What?
[ Whirring ]
-Oh!
-Oh, baby, it's so romantic!
Okay, we're getting the fuck
out of here.
This is too much
Christmas for me.
-Oh, no, no.
-No, no, no, stay, stay.
Stop! I fuckin' -- that's a lot.
That is a lot.
It's really excessive. We're
gonna have one drink and go.
-All right. Yeah, fine.
-Fine.
JAY: We could just --
You guys hang out.
-We could have some more drinks.
-We're not going to hang out.
-The four of us.
-We're not gonna hang out.
-Santa, the anatomical Santa.
-We're good.
-Okay, alright.
-Alright.
-Easy, tiger.
-Alright.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Fuck. Merry Christmas
to a fuckin' day off.
-Little bit of flavor in there.
-Yeah.
-Mm.
-Okay, I love you.
Get the fuck out.
I want to fuck my husband.
-Mwah.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-Bye.
-See you.
-See you.
-See ya, bud.
-All right. We're going.
-Goodbye.
-See ya.
Oh, she's whispering
in my head
Fucking hate you guys!
I'm half deaf for you
I'm stealing your candy.
Thank you.
-Come on, let's go.
-Ugh!
[ Laughs ] Let's fucking go.
-God!
-Come on!
Coming. I'm coming.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Sowell Robotic Products'
new animatronic
state of the art Santa Claus
featured at our own
T.W. Bonkers is now the subject
of an international recall.
There have been reports that
some of the Santa units
are reverting to their old
Defense Department firmware.
Thus far, most of the reports
have been of harmless pranks.
Fuck no! [ Laughs ]
Larry, can you turn
that shit off?
-That's so depressing.
-Yeah.
-[ Laughs ]
-You guys want one more
to close it out?
Yeah, we will.
Can we get another round
and a shot of whiskey, please?
You're going to chase a shot
of whiskey with more whiskey?
I am. It's a holiday.
That's what you do.
-This is true.
-Thank you.
Is this, uh, together?
Or separate?
Togeth-- Together.
It's on one bill. I got it.
-Oh, la di da.
-It's part of your bonus.
Although I am a little
disappointed.
He didn't even offer
to pay for the fuckin' last --
Excuse me, this is not
a date, remember?
Yeah, no, I fuckin'
remember now.
Happy I didn't think otherwise.
-Fun hangout
-Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
You think would have
picked up the tab for, uh,
Doctor fuckin' Emmett Eyeliner.
Depends on how the night went.
Probably would have forgotten
his wallet or something.
Mnh-mnh. Did this dude fuck
your mom or something?
Why the fuck -- every single
time you talk about him,
I'm like so close
to forgetting him,
and then you bring him up again.
I'm just like, just like,
it baffles me
that you were going to let him,
like, you know,
-stick his penis just...
-Taint me?
-...inside you.
-He's gonna fuckin' taint me?
-He was gonna taint you.
-Yeah, I'm horny,
and it's a holiday.
What am I supposed to do?
Do you want to go through --
Larry, do you want to go through
Robbie's list of prize catches?
-Not again.
-'Cause fuckin' --
no, remember this?
Remember rotten Rebecca?
The one that smelled like
a fucking fish market.
-Oh, God.
-She was great.
Yeah, had to walk out
of the room every time...
-Rotten Rebecca.
-...every time she fucking
walked in one.
Oh, my God.
That honestly made me
want to throw up.
That was so gross.
Who else? Come on.
Do you want to talk about Tina?
-Tina?
-Googly eyed Tina?
Do you want me to keep going?
That's my point.
-That was a condition.
-Do you want me to keep going?
-She couldn't help it.
-Okay.
-She's a beautiful woman.
-Can you shut the fuck up?
JAY: Okay, babe, no, seriously.
He's been her employee
for years.
One, I think
it's illegal if they fuck.
And two, he'll never
close the deal.
[ Warbling ]
LAHNA: She had that glow
in her eyes.
JAY: Okay, okay, fine.
No, she fucking might have.
But he won't even come close to
closing the deal.
-What?
-Not at all.
LAHNA: 1,000 percent
they're fucking tonight.
-Fuck that.
-Unless Robbie's dick
gets chopped up,
they're gonna fuck tonight.
JAY: What are you fuck--
Fuck that. Okay. All right.
-You want him bet?
-Yeah.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
JAY: Okay, great, great,
great, great.
Alright, how much you fucking
want to bet then?
Are you ever going
to settle down,
you know, chill the fuck out.
Are you?
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Hopefully.
-Oh, okay, great.
Well, maybe I'll fucking settle
down when I can find a man
that can keep up with me.
Do you know how hard it
is being in a world
surrounded by so many boys
that can't handle a woman
who can out drink, out earn
and out fuck them,
for the love of God?
Do you know
how many men cannot fuck?
-There's a few.
-No.
-And some can.
-None of them know
how to eat pussy.
I'll tell you that right now.
-See, I beg to differ.
-No.
In fact, I would argue
there are one,
maybe two people
in this general vicinity
who can do it with the ferocity
of a fucking tyrannosaurus
-No, No.
-[ Growling ]
-Larry.
-Larry.
Can you please,
for the love of God,
give me one more round.
-[ Footsteps thudding ]
-LAHNA: I'll be you
that if they fuck,
I'll make you a steak dinner.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Wearing nothing but an apron.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
JAY: If I lose?
LAHNA: Oh, when you lose,
you have to eat my
ass out on this throne.
JAY: Well, why wait? Why don't
I eat it fuckin' right now?
Daddy's hungry.
Ah! Daddy!
[ Gasps ] Oh!
I can trace it back
every fucking time.
The second they cut their hair,
they cut their worst record!
Ah, it's just such
an absurd claim.
It isn't -- It's a fucking
absurdly correct claim.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Is what it is. Okay?
Do you remember that fucking
study I showed you?
-Oh, yeah. The scientist one.
-Yes, the fuckin' scientist one.
The second that they cut
the hair of
a Native American person,
they lost, like,
-all sense of intuition.
-Okay.
-Like fucking all of it.
-First off.
-And it's really scary.
-First off.
Whatever bullshit fucking blog
you pulled that study off --
-A government study, dude.
-Government.
Has about as much merit as
the fucking Reddit thread.
-Okay.
-Second off, second off,
that has absolutely zero
fucking merit when it comes to
talking about somebody's actual
musical ability.
Okay. I'm going to go through
the fucking list.
-Okay, do it.
-Metallica.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
They cut their hair,
the fuckers release "Load."
Yeah? Soundgarden.
Cornell cuts his hair off.
Opts for the Spencers Gift tips
with the frosted spikes,
and then the motherfuckers
release "Superunknown"!
-What is that?!
-Boom! Boom right there, bitch!
Voids your argument?
Do you know why?
-Why? Tell me why.
-'Cause "Superunknown",
-peak Soundgarden.
-Oh, fuckin' --
-Are you kidding me?
-Not one bad track on the album.
TORI: Are you actually going to
stop with the fucking
Jesus Christ pose right now?
What the fuck?!
Are you serious?!
-Are you fuckin' --
-[ Groans ]
Are you fucking kidding me?
[ Laughs ]
That's so fuckin' dumb,
so fuckin' dumb.
-[ Groans ]
-Let me guess.
You prefer you prefer, uh,
you prefer Van Hagar?
"Prefer" is a strong word.
They lost zero appeal
when Diamond Dave ducked out.
-Oh! Really?
-Yes, really.
Because it's around that time
that they got
rid of their guitar god,
and then replaced him
with a synth loving clone
of said guitar god.
Alright, get your ass
off the bar, Robbie.
-Oh.
-Hate to break up the party.
I got four little
diaper pissers at home.
They're going to wake me
up in four hours. Let's --
Yes, thank you.
I don't want to listen to this
fucking guy anyway.
-Sweet baby. Jesus.
-Mm, got my card.
Slow your roll, Larry.
Got two more coming my way.
-I'll pour you one.
-Hands behind your back.
-Hands behind my back?
-You're lucky like you.
Yeah, and you're lucky I don't
have health inspector
shut this shit hole down.
[ Chuckles ]
He's right.
Is he right?
-And pour Tori and her new beau.
-Oh, thanks, man.
One and one for yourself, Larry.
I didn't know
you two were a thing.
-We're not.
-Yet.
Get fucked.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
LAHNA: Ah, yeah!
[ Lahna gasping, moaning ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Lahna gasping, moaning ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Whirring ]
MONROE: The wife's back
is with her family.
So that's why I'm spending
Christmas alone.
Unless you count
that fucking mutt
that won't keep its trap shut.
Why do you have a fucking
dog then, man?
You think I wanted that thing?
-That's all Donna.
-Okay.
That little son of a whore
is like an angel around her.
But with me, just me,
it won't shut the fuck up
because I won't spoil him,
like Donna does.
Just like with her old man.
Yeah, I think -- I think it
sounds like the dog just
probably needs, like, some
lovin' from Daddy Monroe.
-Like.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think the little bastard needs
his balls clipped.
-Hey, man.
-Sure.
Donna had me get
my balls clipped
-two days after Henry was born.
-Jesus fucking Christ.
You're gonna wake up
a sleeping, Junior.
Well, uh, here,
let's have a toast.
I think you've had enough
there, Supercuts.
-[ Laughs ]
-Cheers.
-[ Glasses clink ]
-Cheers.
Here, let me, uh, cover
what these kids are drinking.
-Oh, no, no, that's --
-No, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-You...
-Thank you, Chief.
-...keep the rest for yourself.
-Thank you.
MONROE: Watch yourself
with that one.
Merry Christmas, Sheriff.
Shit, that little punk
motherfucker,
wipe that smirk off...
Mm. That sucked the
fucking Christmas early.
ROBBIE: God damn, what a sad
fuckin' human being.
LARRY: You gonna be
good to drive?
Uh, no.
I drove with Robbie --
I fuckin' walked with Robbie.
If I drove you, you'd be fucked.
So much for drinking
every guy under the table.
Excuse me. You've got, like,
at least five pounds on me.
Soaking wet maybe.
LARRY: Get her home safe.
Robbie.
What the fuck's that's
supposed to mean?
-It's a big world out there.
-You get home safe.
Better watch for your children.
[ Laughs ]
-I'm just kidding.
-Sounded so threatening.
-Good night.
-Thank you, Larry.
-Ugh.
-Come on.
-[ Footsteps thudding ]
-[ Lahna moaning ]
LAHNA: Yes!
JAY: Oh, shit.
LAHNA: Not yet.
JAY: It's coming early.
LAHNA: Hold it.
No, baby, hold it.
Hold it! You better not!
Fuck! You better not!
Ah!
[ Screams ]
Like, what did
he arrest you for?
It was fucking --
you were like --
you were like pissing
on a playground.
I didn't know the kid
was going to show up like that.
Oh, fuck, and the kid
was his grandson.
Yeah, I made him a man.
That's fucked.
You took that away from him.
-I know.
-You took it away him.
[ Lahna screaming ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Panting ]
[ Screams ]
Somebody help!
Do you want to keep drinking,
or...?
I mean, yeah.
What are you thinking?
-What am I thinking?
-Yeah.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Lahna screams ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Screams ]
You can come over
and kill that bottle with me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Come kill the fucking bottle.
I said come over for a drink,
not over for a fuck.
[ Screams ]
-[ Screams ]
-[ Glass shatters ]
Well, it sounds like someone's
hankering for a little bit of --
[ Lahna screaming ]
-You hear that?
-Hear what?
[ Screaming ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Glass shatters ]
Yeah, dawg!
Jay hitting that pipe.
Yeah, he's hitting
that fucking pipe.
Speaking of, have you seen it?
Yeah, it's fucking fat
as fuck.
-It's fat.
-Oh, he be gaping that shit
for sure.
[ Thud ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
How old are you, fuckin' 12?
I can see you smoking
that blunt from here!
-I didn't fuckin' ask --
-I said give it to me!
I need to salvage
this Lincoln Log...
-No!
-...before you run it into
the fuckin' ground.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Yeah, I want to fuckin'
salvage this thing.
What are we watching when
we get to yours,
"A Christmas Story"?
What is your fucking obsession
with "A Christmas Story"?
What's your issue
with "A Christmas Story"?
You're the one that
brought it up earlier.
Everyone's obsessed with it.
If you want to watch
a Bob Clark Christmas movie
will watch
fucking "Black Christmas."
Oh, that --
that Blumhouse joint?
I'm just going to
drive myself home.
No, no, no. You said we were
going to my car --
If you want to go home
and fucking jerk off
-to fucking Blumhouse movies --
-Get your fuckin' ass over here.
Okay, but are you done spewing
garbage out of your fuckin'
-whore mouth?
-Oh, there it is.
There's your fuckin'
Rhode Island accent.
I maybe sound like
I'm from Rhode Island,
but at least I don't have
shit taste in movies,
shit opinions on everything,
and drive a fucking shit car.
ROBBIE: Uh, excuse me,
this is basically
the same as your fucking car.
Don't say that about her.
She's beautiful.
-Also --
-I get her first.
ROBBIE: My lady. My lady.
You got to get in on this side.
You haven't got
this fucking car fixed yet?
ROBBIE: With what you pay me,
you think I can afford
a fucking door?
What are you doing
with your paychecks?
-This is --
-My minimum, my minimum --
That's embarrassing.
ROBBIE: My minimum
fucking wage paycheck.
Yeah, your minimum
fucking wage paycheck.
-Get it.
-That should be
-a fucking priority.
-Please.
-Wow.
-Lady.
No, I changed my fucking mind.
I changed my mind.
Hop in, hot shot.
We got fucking whiskey waiting.
-Get in.
-Oh, whiskey you say?
-Yes.
-Okay, in that case,
-shut your fucking mouth.
-Oh, this mouth.
This fucking whore mouth
and that devil's tongue, baby.
-Ew, shut the -- Robbie.
-Come on, what?
-This is a --
-Get your fuckin' ass in.
Don't touch my fuckin' ass.
She got a bit of a fight in her.
All right.
-Call fucking H.R.
-I'll give you space.
No wonder you don't
get fuckin' laid.
[ Cans clattering ]
-Look at this.
-What?
No wonder you don't
get fucking laid.
-This is disgusting.
-It adds to the flavor.
Adds to the flavor of what?
A fucking chicken coop.
This is fucked up.
Some empty cans and bottles.
That's Tori Tooms' break?
No, but it's the nail
in the fucking coffin
because this is really bad.
-Come on, baby.
-How do you live like this?
-Let's cowboy up.
-Just take my car.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-Just take my fucking card.
You just got to be patient
with her.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-I'm gonna lose my buzz.
[ Laughs ]
[ Engine starts ]
-Hey!
-Oh, God.
-Jesus.
-Feel that between my pants.
We're going to have to roll this
up the hill ourselves.
-Alright.
-Whoa. Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't feel safe.
What are you -- okay.
She's road worthy.
Don't even worry about it.
TORI: Okay! Here we go.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Oh, if this guy parks his
fucking Ranchero here
one more time,
I'm going to total it,
smash out his fucking windows.
ROBBIE: Little harsh
to the Griswolds.
TORI: NO, it's boozin' Benny
down at the bottom of the hill.
-He's a fucking alcoholic.
-Boozin' Benny.
TORI: Just pull up behind
my sister's car.
ROBBIE: Wait.
Your sister is here?
TORI: Do you not listen
to a fucking thing I say?
ROBBIE: Well, I mean, I listen,
but I don't retain.
TORI: Yeah, well, I don't want
to retain the stink
from this fucking chicken coop,
so get out.
Come on, let's go drink.
-Beautiful.
-Oh, Jesus.
-All right, my lady.
-Listen, I really can't --
Please exit your chariot.
I honestly -- I'm -- whoa.
I'm too drunk for this. Jesus.
Walk carefully, please.
Thank you.
And treat her
with respect and dignity.
Uh, welcome to my humble abode.
Yeah, it's cute. It's uh --
Charming, classy, cute.
I know.
-Yeah, sure.
-Extravagant.
-Rustic.
-Yeah.
Humble. Barn-like.
I really hope we don't take
my sister out because
I don't want to have
to awkwardly introduce you.
Wait, so are we drinking
alone tonight, or what?
Robbie, do not fucking
listen to me?
They're out cold.
Out cold already?
It's not even midnight.
Plus, my lame ass brother in law
doesn't even drink, so...
Oh, that fucking cunt Mike.
Yeah?
Mr. Hollywood? Yeah. [ Laughs ]
[ Rock music playing ]
These goddamn neighbors and
their fucking obnoxious lights.
Hey, Tori.
How much music was there
in "Unsolved Mysteries"?
-[ Chuckles ] What?
-I mean, like, I don't --
I don't want to --
I don't want to scare you,
like, in your own home,
but there's like six hours
worth of the
"Unsolved Mysteries" soundtrack?
What the fuck is your problem
with "Unsolved Mysteries"?
I mean, like, 30 second intro,
and then, like,
do you need six hours?
TORI: Have you heard it?
No, not the entire fucking
expanse of isolated soundtrack.
Oh, well, it is the fucking
creepiest goddamn synth pads
you will ever hear
in your fucking life.
-Mm-hmm. Right.
-They're amazing. Put it on.
Yeah, okay. No, I've already got
something queued up.
No, put it on. I want you to get
like soaked up and like
-immersed in it.
-No, no, no, I'm good.
-I'm good.
-It's so good. Please.
Robbie. All right, fine. At
least I know it won't be "Load."
-Oh, I know. I already looked.
-Oh, did you?
Of course.
Oh, come on, Robbie.
"Rhythms From a Cosmic Sky" is,
like, at least four times --
Oh, you're the worst
fuckin' opinion.
No, everybody knows that.
What are you talking about?
Uh, it's in your collection.
Yeah, because I'm a completist.
Thank you.
-Not for Metallica.
-Shut up.
Follow -- get that
fucking thing away from me.
Okay.
I'm weirdly turned on by this.
-Really?
-But I need you to stop.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
MAN: Hey, Freddy.
Buddy, let's not open gifts.
[ Groans ]
There's absolutely
no fucking way
that you actually think
that "Pet Sematary 2"
is better than
the fucking first one!
It's twice is good, if not
fucking three times, okay?
It's good. Not better.
Not better. No.
Edward Furlong,
Clancy fucking Brown.
Who, by the way, chews up
scenery like it's a piece of
fucking gum,
and that soundtrack.
They've got 12 tracks
of female fronted
fucking aggressive as hell,
early '90s grunge!
Traci Lords has three goddamn
songs on the album,
and they're fucking good,
they're so good.
So, you think it's better
because Traci Lords, porn star,
fucking superstar, big titty
Traci Lords has, what, like,
fuckin' two tracks on the album.
No, three, by the way,
and better story.
Better music, obviously.
Better kills.
Better makeup,
better fucking cast and...
Lord Gwynn aside,
I will say, you got me there.
But Mary Lambert, she was
finally given free reign.
-Yeah, that was a mistake.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-What the fuck are you doing?
-What?
What fucking Neanderthal puts
salsa on nachos
-before they cook them?
-Me.
MAN: Freddy, put it away
and get to bed.
-"Elm Street."
-Part 6, "Freddy's Dead."
-Come the fuck on.
-Yeah.
Whoa! Hellraiser?
-"Hell on Earth."
-Child's Play?
-Alien?
-"Covenant."
-Oh, no, No, no.
-Yes.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
-okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Okay.
Blair Witch?
-Book of Motherfucking
Shadows", bitch?
It's a fucking classic,
and you're going to watch it,
and you'll -- stop.
You'll get it. I promise.
Do you use your little
fucking fingers, like,
typing on the keyboard,
and you're like,
"Oh, like Reddit,
Reddit thread."
-Shut the fuck up.
No, no, I am like,
I am a gal with fucking
strong opinions.
And now we're going to take
a shot to
"Book of"
motherfuckin' "Shadows"
because it's so good.
Ah.
[ Laughing ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Oh, fuck.
Jesus.
[ Laughing ]
[ Crash ]
MAN: Freddy, that better
not be you.
If you're opening those gifts,
I swear to God.
Hey, you know what happens
if I come down there.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
ROBBIE: Sorry, sorry.
[ Laughing ] Fuck it.
MAN: Freddy?
Freddy, is that you, buddy?
Said we weren't gonna open
or touch any of these gifts
till Santa got --
Get the fuck out of my house.
I'm calling the cops right now.
Oh, shit!
[ Thud ]
Wait.
Oh, king shit.
[ Screams ]
[ Squish ]
[ Squelching ]
Frankie, what was --
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
Frankie!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, what the fuck?
[ Sighs ]
That was...
unexpected.
Too bad find out
about that earlier.
Yeah, it's too bad.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
This thing is USDA approved
organic prime man meat.
Sorry, Are you asking me
to peg you?
I'm not asking.
I'm inviting.
Please, sir, may I have a hit?
[ Panting ]
-No! Pl-- Aah!
-[ Thud ]
TORI: I'm gonna get some more
whiskey, flip the record.
Come back up.
Don't fucking move.
BOY: Mom?
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Mommy?
You okay?
Santa?
Where's Mommy?
Did you bring me
any good presents?
You did!
[ Heavy rock music plays ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps thudding ]
Oh. Fuck, fuck!
Fuck me.
Damn it.
Jesus.
That's fucked.
Not stupid clothes again.
Why are you so bloody?
Mommy?
Mom!
[ Screams ]
-Oh, fuck!
-What?
-This guy --
-Tori!
I think he maybe
just killed the kid next door.
What the hell are you
talking about?
Oh, fuck.
[ Both gasp ]
Oh, fuck!
Call the fucking cops now.
Come on.
Fuck. Have you seen my phone?
Fuck! Get my phone!
-It's upstairs.
-Shit. Is your phone down here?
Robbie, go! Find a phone!
[ Sighs ]
Robbie? He's gone.
ROBBIE: What?
Robbie, he's fucking gone.
He saw us. The fucker's gonna
come over here.
Find a phone
and get the fuck out.
I have to get my sister.
Liddy, Mike, wake the fuck up.
Get your asses out of bed.
There's no time to explain.
Come on, we --
-Come on. We have to go.
-What is going on?
Uh, uh, where's your phone?
It's up there.
There weren't any outlets.
Okay. Get out of bed.
Put your shoes on.
Put your shoes on now.
Come on.
Mike, get the fuck up.
I'm trying to help you.
-Alright, alright.
-Does it look like I'm joking?
You fucking idiot!
Get out of bed!
All right, come on, move it.
You should go.
No, you go.
Mike, get the fuck out.
-Alright.
-Go!
Fuck you, go.
ROBBIE: I have no idea
what the fuck my phone is.
Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
Where are you keys?
I don't know.
I must have left them
in the truck or something.
Well, if they're not in the
fucking truck, where are they?
I don't fucking know, do I?
Liddy, do you have your keys?
Your fucking keys, Liddy?
-Where are they?
-Get the keys.
The keys? What do you
want with the fuckin' --
Shut the fuck up, you cunt.
Okay. Do you want me
to get the keys or not?
-Yes.
-Fine. I'll get the keys.
Jesus.
Did anybody see where he went?
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're going to go
to the basement.
-What if it's in the basement?
-Then we don't have
anywhere to go, do we?
Okay, hang on.
MIKE: All right, I got the keys.
-Shh!
-Look, I didn't even
want to come here
in the first --
Shut the fuck up, Mike.
Shut the fuck up.
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Screams ]
Get up!
[ Screaming ]
Run!
Get out!
[ All shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
TORI: Go! Fucking! Go!
[ Screams ]
Liddy!
Get -- fuck! Shit!
No!
No! Please!
No! Please! No!
[ Gasping ]
[ Retches ]
Hey, hey, you got to get in,
you got to get in,
you got to get in,
you got to get in,
Hey, she's not coming?
Okay.
-I need my sister --
-Listen to me. Listen to me.
Listen to me, listen.
Okay, she's not coming, okay?
You've got to get in the car.
Okay? For me. Please.
Please, please, please,
please, please.
Yeah, okay, come on. Yeah.
Get up, come on.
Just get in there.
Yeah, okay, get in there.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-I need Liddy here right now.
-I need Liddy here.
-Hey.
-Come on, Robbie!
-Come on!
Fuck you! Fuck!
[ Engine sputters, starts ]
Go, Robbie, come on.
[ Gasping ]
Robbie! Robbie!
[ Screams ]
-Fuck.
-Oh, fuck!
Are you all right?
-Yeah.
-Okay. Well, we got to --
We got to go. We got to go
because he's gonna come back.
-[ Engine revs ]
-Come on!
-Fuck! It's stuck.
-Try going forward.
MAN: What the fuck?!
-Fuck.
-Oh, fuck!
Totaled by fuckin' Ranchero!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[ Engine revving ]
-Come on.
-Fuck!
You fucking cocksuckers!
-Hey.
-B, hey, hey.
Get the fuck out of the car.
TORI: I can't get out of the
fucking car. Listen to me.
What is with this door? Hey,
you two bit fuckin' scumbag,
get the fuck out of the car.
Come on.
-Oh, what the fuck?
-Fuck!
Get out of the fucking car!
Oh, look, the paint's
all fucked up, man!
I just got this detailed!
I'm calling the fuckin' cops on
your ass, Tori.
-Hello?
-Go now.
-246 --
-Fuck. He's coming.
-[ Horn honking ]
-He's right there! Hey!
He can't fucking
hear you because --
-Hey, behind you!
-Hey, behind you!
-Behind you!
-No, no, no, no!
No!
-[ Horn honking ]
-Stop fucking honking!
Oh!
Okay, go.
-[ Engine revving ]
-Go, come on, let's go!
ROBBIE: I'm trying!
Oh, oh!
[ Screams ]
Okay, okay! Fucking drive!
[ Groans ]
No! No! No!
No!
Fucker! Robbie!
No, fuck off!
Robbie!
No! No! Robbie! No!
Oh, fuck!
No, Robbie. You got to get up.
You got to get up right now.
Get up right now, come on!
Get your ass -- get your ass up,
come on!
Get the fuck up, Robbie!
-[ Horn honking ]
-Somebody help us!
Where the fuck is everyone?
No! Robbie, Robbie,
he's coming back.
-[ Horn honking ]
-Come on, get up, get up.
Get it here, Robbie!
No! Behind you!
Behind you!
No!
Robbie!
[ Siren wailing ]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Hide!
Drop the weapon!
Now!
Hey!
Don't come any closer!
Kill this motherfucker!
Drop the weapon now!
[ Gunshots ]
[ Thuds ]
This is Officer Danny Davis.
I got at least three people
down at 246 Chestnut.
Send back up
and an ambulance immediately.
[ Tori gasping ]
[ Police radio chatter ]
It's gonna be okay.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me!
It's okay. Help is on the way.
Help is on the way, okay?
-Are you sure he's dead?
-Yes. He's dead.
He's dead.
He's not getting up.
I got you.
Oh, Robbie.
-I got you.
-Oh, Robbie. Robbie!
It's okay, it's okay. Don't
look at him. Don't look at him.
Okay, stay calm.
Help is on the way, alright?
It's gonna be okay. It's gonna
be fi-- Watch your head.
Can you tell me what happened?
-You need to check the store.
-What?
The toy store.
You need to check the toy store.
Why?
Because that thing looks exactly
like the Santa from the store.
You mean the T.W. Bonkers thing?
Yeah.
That fucking guy looks exactly
like the thing from the store.
I can assure it's not
on the same Santa.
No, no, that's -- I'm saying
that maybe he took
the fucking suit or something.
And my friends, my friends were
staying the night there,
and -- and maybe that fucker
killed them and then took
the fucking suit.
That's what I'm saying.
He didn't get that
thing anywhere.
You need to fucking check!
Okay?
-There's only a few of us, okay?
-I don't fucking care.
Listen to me. No one's been
fucking listening to me.
There's only a few of us!
You need to do
a fucking drive by!
-More people are gonna die!
-Once everything --
Once everything is all right,
I can go back and do a check.
More people are gonna
fucking die!
Calm down.
Shoot him! Fucking shoot him!
Blow his fucking head off,
Davies, now!
[ Gun clicks ]
He's done for!
Ah!
Davies?
Davies? Davies, get the fuck up!
Hey! Oh, you fuckin' idiot!
Come on!
Get up!
Behind you!
No, no, no, no, no!
[ Gasps ]
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Ho, ho, ho!
[ Distorted ] Merry Christmas.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Engine revving ]
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ Police radio chatter ]
Hello?
Officer Davis was killed, okay?
He's fucking dead.
Is anyone there?
[ Static ]
Listen to me.
The officers going to
246 Chestnut
need to be fucking careful
because the killer is
still there, and he looks like
fucking Santa, okay?
He's in a Santa costume.
Fuck!
-[ Police radio chatte ]
-Oh, fuck.
Yes, go!
[ Sirens wailing ]
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Get on the ground!
-No, I've been calling you!
Don't fuckin' move!
On the ground!
-Get on the ground!
-Get your hands on your head!
-I need your help!
-Hands on your head.
-I need your --
-Get your fucking hands
-on your head!
-Fine, I'm fucking sorry!
OFFICER: Get your hands on
your fucking head!
-No, no, no, I need your help.
-Where's Davies?
I need your help.
I need your fucking help, man.
Where is Davies?
Get your hands behind your back.
He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.
-What did you just say?
-He's dead. He's fuckin' dead.
-[ Handcuffs click ]
-They're all fucking dead.
-Bullshit! Where is he!
-He's dead!
I've been trying to
fucking tell you!
-What did you do?
-I didn't do anything?
-I didn't do anything
-What did you do?
I need your fuckin' help!
I need your fuckin' help!
-Get up, sweetheart. Get up!
-I need -- Ah!
[ Screams ] He's still there!
You need help, you need help.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I call the shots!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Weston, you get down
to Chestnut. I'm taking her --
I'm taking you in.
You can't alone.
You're gonna fuckin' die.
-Listen.
-You need to call in some --
-Hey!
-You got to fuckin listen to me.
You're gonna fucking die.
He killed everybody.
-You need back up!
-Get in the fuckin' car!
-You need back up!
-Fuck! Shut the fuck up.
What do you want to do
with Davies' car?
Nothing. Don't touch it.
Fucking crime scene.
I'll call and have it
towed into the station.
Alright. Be safe.
TORI: I need your fucking help.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Do you fucking job.
Shut the fuck up!
[ Police radio chatter ]
You can't send him there alone.
I don't think you're in any
position to tell me what to do.
You know, you're in a world
of hurt, lady.
-No fucking --
-You're in a world
-of fucking shit.
-No fucking idea!
We caught you covered in blood
and a missing cop --
MAN: Unit 17, Smith, you there?
Yeah. This is unit 17.
This is Smith. Go ahead.
MAN: This is Lenny.
We just got here.
It's a massacre, and we haven't
even been inside yet.
Alright, copy that. Look, don't
make a move, alright?
Just hang back.
Weston's on his way down there.
Any word from Renn County?
MAN: Just us right now, sir.
Any sign of Davies?
MAN: He's dead, sir.
Fuck! Fuck! Motherfucker!
I just saw you at Reggie's
three goddamn hours ago.
I don't understand.
What is there
to fucking understand?
What I don't understand
is the lax fucking attitude
when people are fucking dead.
Look, Tori, we know you didn't
murder anyone,
but we're having a hard time
believing what you're saying.
I'm having a hard time
fucking believing it. Okay?
But I saw it. I saw it
with my own goddamn eyes.
And my fucking eyes don't lie.
Okay, Monroe?
Listen, I can smell the weed
and whiskey on you
-from a mile away.
-Yeah. So fucking what?
I smoked some weed.
I had some fucking whiskey.
But that does not
make you hallucinate.
I promise you. I promise you.
After what I saw, I'm sober.
I'm sober as a fucking --
Oh, that's good you're sober.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
Ms. Tooms,
but it is still illegal.
Can you shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
My sister is dead!
Okay? My fucking friends
are dead.
Not that you give
a fuck about him.
But what are you going
to do about it?
-What do you --
-Hey! Hey!
The best goddamn officer
in this precinct is dead.
Now, if you want to be the one
to tell his widow.
Oh, fuck. Debbie.
Someone's got to tell Debbie.
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby.
We're all getting
a little emotional here.
Just cut it. Both of yous.
You, sit down.
Get this fucking
off your fucking desk.
[ Monroe sighs ]
Have you heard from the boys
down at the scene yet?
Not since Renn County
showed up.
They're still down
there counting bodies.
Nothing about a killer
Santa Claus either.
MONROE: Well, why don't you
give him a call?
It's been a little while now.
See if they need any help.
I think they got it
under control.
Double check.
Fuck!
You need to keep that asshole
away from me, Monroe.
He's worked with Davies
for over 15 years now.
We're tight staff. Look around.
It's been a rough night
for all of us.
-[ Laughing ]
-Bear with us.
We'll do the same.
Just breathe.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, I'm going to brew
a fresh pot of coffee.
There's a bathroom down the hall
if you want to
clean yourself up some.
[ Electric buzzing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Indistinct talking
in distance ]
SMITH: There is no
fucking back up, man.
MONROE: Just hold on a second.
Just hold on a second.
We got to think this out.
TORI: Oh, shit.
Have tried the guys
from Renn?
Yep, Renn, paramedics, Weston.
Nothing.
CHP? Anything?
-Nope.
-Hey. Hey. Hey.
-What's going on?
-You coming with me or not?
TORI: Something happen? You guys
can't go back to my house.
-I told you.
-We're police, Tori.
-That's what we do.
-Well, no.
You need to call the fucking
National Guard or something.
He wiped everybody out.
He's going to wipe you out!
Hey, you know, Monroe,
maybe you should stay here.
You can, baby sit
the little girl.
Okay, you know what?
If you don't want to fucking
listen to me,
you go out there and die.
Because, quite frankly,
I don't fucking care.
Tori, we're going to go,
we're gonna lock the door.
-No, no.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh.
-[ Siren wailing ]
-What is that?
Yeah. What the fuck is that?
That an ambulance?
Oh, fuck. It's him.
Oh, Santa Claus?
-Yeah, it's fuckin' Santa Claus.
-Fuckin' Santa Claus!
It's the motherfucker
that killed everybody.
Okay, okay, uh...
-Oh, fuck.
-He's not stopping.
Fuck!
[ Explosion ]
[ Glass shattering ]
Fuck! Ah!
MONROE: Is everyone all right?
Yeah, I think I'm fine.
-Tori?
-Uh, yeah.
[ Coughing ]
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck was that?
Hey, Tori, take these,
go to the holding room,
lock yourself in.
No, no, no!
There's fucking people dead.
You need to give me a gun. You
need to give me a fucking gun.
-Where the driver?
-You're 38. Give her your 38.
Are you out
of your fucking mind?
-Give me your fucking gun.
-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, do you even know
how to use that thing?
TORI: Yeah. You aim is and pull
the fucking trigger.
Yeah?
Let's go.
[ Panting ]
Cover me.
Okay. I'm clear.
Tori, get in there!
Stay away from the fucking car!
He's in there!
Do you see anything?
Something's not right.
Something's not right!
Yeah, he's not fucking human.
That's what's not right.
Do you see anything?
[ Screaming, gunshots ]
Monroe! Monroe!
Oh, fuck!
Where are you, motherfucker?!
Show yourself!
Get out of here now!
Come on, motherfucker!
Let me see your face.
Hey!
Come on, fuck you!
Oh, no, wait!
No! No!
Aah!
Oh, fuck!
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Taser pops ]
Oh, God. Okay.
Hello? Oh, fuck!
Fuck.
[ Gasps ]
Okay, okay, okay.
Uh...
Hello?
Hello?
Fuck!
[ Police radio chatter ]
[ Static ]
Hello? Hello, is anyone there?
Dispatch, I'm at the fuckin'
police station.
I need your help.
Hello? Someone fuckin' answer
me, please.
Fuck!
[ Electricity powers down ]
[ Flames crackling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Crashing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Glass shattering ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Mechanical whirring,
footsteps ]
[ Screams ]
Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
No! No! No!
No! No!
No, no! No!
[ Taser crackling ]
-[ Taser crackling ]
-[ Screaming ]
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Spits ]
Fucking cocksucker!
[ Panting ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Panting ]
Hello? Hello?
Can anybody hear me?
Everybody's fucking dead!
Please, someone, please!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
Fuck! Okay.
Come on, come on, come on.
-[ Engine sputters ]
-Yes, come on! Come on!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Engine starts ]
Yes! Yes!
Ah!
[ Running footsteps ]
[ Tires squealing ]
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck you! No!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Tires squeal ]
Fuck you!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
No! No!
No!
What the fuck?! Fuck!
Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
[ Groans ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Explosion ]
[ Metal clanging ]
[ Grunts ]
Fuck!
[ Panting ]
[ Grunts ]
Fuck!
-[ Glass shatters ]
-Fuck!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Flames crackling ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Panting ]
What the fuck?!
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Footsteps thudding ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ]
Okay.
[ Mechanical whirring ]
[ Whirring ]
No, no, no, no!
No!
[ Gasping ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Come on. Come on.
[ Crackling ]
Come on! No, no, no!
Come on!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
come on!
Come on! Fuck you!
[ Screams ]
Oh, fuck!
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fuck!
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ] No!
[ Screaming ]
Fuck! No!
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Crackling ]
No! No!
No! No! No!
Fuck! Fuck!
Ah! Fuck!
[ Screams ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Screams ]