Cinderella: Once Upon A Time... In The West (2012) Movie Script
( crickets chirping )
( hawk squawking )
( distant howling )
( birds twittering )
( loud squawking )
( distant howling )
( squawking )
( hawk squawks )
Our beloved ancestors
had given us a beautiful home,
a place of amazing
naturaI wonders.
The rocks, the sand,
the cactus.
( chuckles )
Nothing was better.
And then one day,
Felicity arrived here.
And she built Felicity City.
Narrator: At first glance,
it's a town like most others--
its sheriff constantly
on the lookout for evildoers,
his senses like a puma.
( bell tolling )
And like all respectable towns,
FeIicity City
has its very own church.
Except here in this town,
if you see folks hurrying around
earIy Sunday morning...
it's because they are
on their way
to give their respects
to Felicity.
You see, my friends, it's not called
FeIicity City for nothing.
Heh! What is this,
some kind of jug?
No, not at all.
Very ancient, Ming Dynasty.
Very expensive.
Very ancient?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
After aII I've done for you,
you come here with an old jug?
You know, I think
l'm going to take a pass
on the oId jug,
if you don't mind.
Ming Dynasty.
Very expensive. Very ancient.
l think this idiot
actually believes it.
He's so darn cute
when he says "Ming Dynasty."
So true.
( laughs )
Yeah! Ha!
He's cute, all right.
Next time don't bring me no jug.
Get out.
- Who's next?
- Aha.
Ha ha, my darling Felicity.
( chuckIes )
( rattling )
Personally, l would have preferred
Iiving on the prairie
like my ancestors. But...
- ( coins rattIing )
- ...l made a promise long ago
that has kept me
tied to this place--
a promise
to watch over someone.
- ( slaps )
- Ugh!
- ( thumps )
- Uhh!
Cinderella.
Let go of poor Bob McDonagan
this instant.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Sorry, but l had no choice.
These two had to learn to remove
their hats when seeing a lady
and not to spit.
Oh, no, no, no, don't you
look at me like that, Cinderella.
( chuckles )
You're straying down a crooked path,
- so stop your grinning.
- ( ostrich grunts )
( grunts )
lt's incredible.
There's not a single guy
in this miserabIe town
who demonstrates
the least bit of chivalry.
Hyah!
Okay, so we're not in Mrs. Blah Blah's
lofty circle or anything,
but who cares? l mean, really,
can't they see l'm a girl?
I was just sitting there thinking
that if l answered her question,
she wouId most sureIy
punch me right in the nose,
when suddenIy, something
completely unexpected happened
that would finally allow me
to keep my promise.
A teIegram!
An actual telegram !
( panting )
- lt's for your mother.
- Stepmother.
Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.
Would you mind bringing it to her?
- l mean, l don't dare.
- ( spits )
You see, l have no gift
to bring her.
- ( sighs )
- Dogs: And with this axe,
chopping very hard for--
- for your grace and beauty--
- Yeah.
- --we makes--
- Uh, make-- this lovely beaver.
( girl laughing )
Well, it's something, l suppose.
Very pretty.
But I'm not about to give
my daughters' hands to just anyone.
You two are poor,
and this ain't the lottery.
- Oh, yeah, but--
- Felicity: Listen.
l ain't bartering my little angels
for a worthIess piece of wood.
- Right, darIings?
- Yeah, that's right, fellas.
l guess you ain't really
suited for us.
Yeah, that's too bad, boys.
( laughs )
Better luck to you next time.
( dog moans )
So that's it, huh?
A town of ingrates.
l've taken
everything from them
and now they've got
nothing left to give.
What the heck am l going
to do now for fun?
- l'm exhausted.
- ( door opens )
What are you doing here
in the house?
l told you to cut up
aII the wood.
I'm bringing my gift,
like everyone else does.
- Here, fetch.
- ( sniffs )
- ( screams )
- Oh!
- Ugh!
- ( dog growling )
Y'all better go get yourselves
aII gussied up, my darIings.
- ( daughter groaning )
- A prince is coming to my town!
( train whistle wailing )
Andale!
( laughs )
( train whistle blows )
( gunshots firing )
( gasps )
( ringing )
Goodness gracious,
what a ruckus.
Discovering the New World
requires certain sacrifices.
l suppose.
( gunfire continues )
( yelps )
( whistle tweeting )
Hyah!
( yelps, moans )
( grunts )
Woman:
Oh.
Man: An extraordinary face, haggard
by the hard climate of the West.
Very authentic.
( garbled )
Your money or your life.
AIIow me. I don't understand
a word you're saying, my friend.
( grunts )
Gracias, seor.
What I said to you was,
"Your money or your life."
lt's up to you.
For lgor's sake,
would it be too much to ask
to be able to play a simple game
of cards without being interrupted?
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to cut this conversation short.
( yells )
( grunts )
( grunting )
Whoa!
Ah!
( howls )
( squawking )
( growling )
( train whistle tweets )
( grunting, sighing )
( all cheering, applauding )
( brakes screech )
( hissing )
That was fantastic!
This certainly is
a new worId.
Oh, my Lord. If I can just
find someone to play cards with--
l mean some real players.
l hope you have been
discreet, Mother.
As you know,
we are strictly incognito here.
Oh, Vladimir.
Your mother is not a gossip
and you know it.
l can assure you, my son,
that l haven't breathed a word
of our journey here
to a single living soul.
l am sorry.
You're wonderful.
( all cheering )
How lovely. Thank you.
- Not a word, Mother?
- Oh!
( Mother laughs )
Welcome, welcome, Your Highnesses,
to Felicity City.
Oh!
l am Felicity.
- And what you see is all me.
- ( fIy buzzes )
Having you here is a great honor
for simple people like us--
l mean, like them.
Please, l'd like to introduce you
to my daughters.
Melody? Harmony?
Where are those girls?
Oh, there are
my dearest darlings!
- At their studies as always.
- ( flute tweets )
Beautiful, aren't they?
Oh!
Ah! Who would have
expected to find
in such a dry and
hostile-seeming place like this--
Such tempting and juicy salads?
It's aImost a miracIe.
They'll take good care of you.
Your Highness, it's all arranged.
- They'll be your guardian angels.
- Duchess: Oh!
Oh, and there's going to be
a ball in your honor tonight.
Oh. Ha!
A ball?
What a stroke of luck, Mother.
l thought we were going to discover
the West and its rude austerity.
Eh! The carriage!
( tires screech, rumbling )
Ah, my violin.
Sheriff:
The law is unequivocal.
Train attacks are a crime.
Yes indeed,
l gotta make a point here.
( jaw harp twanging )
( grunts )
As if l didn't already have
enough to do, thanks to Felicity.
Now l'm forced to be a flunky
for the tourists.
Um, Cinderella, uh uh uh...
lt's true.
l mean, who cares about some stuffy
prince and duchess of so-and-so?
Prince VIadimir
Semyonovich Sergeyev Pichikov,
- at your service.
- ( Iaughs )
And your name is?
Uh, my name?
WeII, it's--
it's more of a nickname, really.
lt's Cinderella.
Her name is Cinderella.
Well, Cinderella, if you don't mind,
l'll take my violin with me.
lt's fragile.
And the rest?
l mean your luggage,
shouId I take it to--
To the saloon, yes.
CouId I pIease
have my violin back now?
Yes.
- All right, then.
- The violin.
- Give him back his violin.
- Right!
Thank you.
So long, cowgirl.
( chuckling )
Got something to say,
Little Cloud?
SiIence is the friend of he
who wants an unbroken nose.
( sniffs )
Sheriff:
Oh! What an awful waste.
Do you ever think
about your mother?
lmagine her extreme
disappointment.
- ( bolt clicking )
- Sheriff: Yep!
Well, underneath it all,
l'm sure you're sorry.
Bleh! Bleh!
( squawking )
Yes, yes, yes!
I won again.
No, you didn't.
You cheated again.
Oh! Vladimir!
Oh! My cruel, torturing,
pitiIess, heartIess son.
You are still angry
at your poor old mother, aren't you?
Okay, okay, okay!
l announced our arrival.
But in the end,
what does it change, hmm?
What does it change?
- ( crowd cheering )
- Absolutely nothing, Mother.
( girl squealing )
FeIicity:
Everything's got to be perfect!
First one to slack off
gets buried in the desert, you hear me?
So, Harmony,
can you lend me your girdle,
the one that makes me
look skinny?
Oh! You are such
a little cheapskate.
Huh?
Check it out, Melody.
CindereIIa's
trying to look like a girl!
( MeIody Iaughing )
She looks ridiculous.
Come on, just let me through.
Ow! Don't touch me
with those filthy little paws of yours.
What's going on over here?
Ma! CindereIIa just tried
to poke Harmony's eye out.
You gotta punish her, Ma.
Ha ha! Give her what she deserves.
- Go on and get ready, my darlings.
- ( Harmony Iaughing )
Now as for you,
you ungrateful little wretch,
how dare you try to mangle
my precious little beauties
on the very day a prince
has come here to my town?
Get Iost!
Get out of here, vermin!
( Cinderella sighs )
l want you packed up
and out of my saloon!
l'll be glad to get rid of you
once and for aII!
( both grunting )
Oh.
ls something wrong,
Cinderella?
No, not really.
l mean, l just--
I-- I gotta go.
She is shy, isn't she?
No? A little wild,
perhaps?
( rider yells )
Whoa!
( grunts, screams )
Argh!
What have l done to deserve
you worthless bunch of lazy,
brainless, good-for-nothing idiots?
You are not even capable
of attacking a stupid train.
Must l survive on a paltry diet
of cactus and vuIture eggs?
Madre mo!
- ( ship horn bellowing )
- ( laughs )
No. l am sorry.
It is my fauIt.
l am the one responsible.
( chuckIes )
S, my compaeros.
S, s.
l know, l still have much work to do
on my management skiIIs.
( laughs )
Give me that, amigo.
- ( thumps )
- ( yells )
There, that should be enough
to motivate all of you.
Or should l toss another?
( bird squawking )
Rider:
Whoa! Whoa!
( grunting )
Argh!
Where have you been?
What took you so long?
Jefe, on the train
there was a young prince
and also an old duchess.
A prince and a duchess?
S.
They got huge rings
the size of ostrich eggs.
Rings like ostrich eggs?
They're in town?
S, jefe.
l saw them like l see you now.
The prince was talking
to Cinderella and Little Cloud.
And is this Mad Storm
a friend of the prince and duchess?
No, jefe, no.
( laughs )
His name
is not Mad Storm, jefe.
His name is actuaIIy
Little Cloud, you see.
Little Cloud-- ugh!
( laughs )
Amigos,
we're back in business.
Here, take this, amigo.
That's for bringing me
the good news.
Thank you, jefe.
( screams )
And that's for getting caught
by the stupid sheriff.
What are you
waiting for, then?
Go there and find them !
AndaIe!
Bring them back here,
but not the Mad Storm
and his troublesome
little pest.
( screeches )
Whoa!
( groaning )
( yelps )
Hmm.
( jackals howl )
Harmony: Go and get
the pretty daisies...
Felicity: Ah, so gracious!
UnforgettabIe voice.
To think I traveIed
all the way across the country
just to hear this.
...and black widows
Go and get
some big wildflowers
lf you go down
nature's path...
Uh, madam, your lovely daughters
deserve the very best.
Oh, yes. lf l could only find
each of them a husband.
Bring me pretty poppies
lf you go out to the fair
Yeah, please bring me
pretty poppies
Or l'll shave off
aII my hair!
So, my lovely little prince,
you should check out
my darling daughters.
Spittin' image of their mother,
don't you think?
Spitting is indeed
the right word.
( music playing )
( all chattering )
Duchess:
What a lovely evening.
l'm having
such a wonderful time.
After that horrid trip,
this game is exactly what l needed.
Oh!
Full house!
Oh!
Duchess:
He's so sad, poor man.
( laughs )
MeIody:
Please bring me pretty poppies...
You heard good
what Felicity said, right, Bob?
Yeah, Bob.
"Only our princesses are entitled
to be beautiful tonight."
Yeah, Bob.
MeIody:
...l'll shave off all my hair!
Ah, you ain't pretty.
Go on in.
Hey, Bob, are you sure?
She had lots of charm.
No, she didn't.
( sobbing )
lf you're trying to humor me,
l'm not in the mood.
You know, Cinderella,
when you were only as tall
as a baby sparrow,
your mother made me promise
to watch over you.
Wow!
Well, isn't that great?
We get to hear the party
instead of going to it.
This is it, Cinderella.
It's time.
l'm going to help you.
You're going to the ball.
No way.
lf l go there, l'm toast.
And you can't help me.
You can't even put your boots on
by yourseIf.
You're right about that.
But what about the bandit ship
in the shifting sands?
That and, well,
what's the other time when you--
well-- l was--
well, the bandit ship--
don't forget, that was me.
( sighs )
l am a shaman,
don't forget.
I may be
a little old and gray,
but believe me,
you will go to the ball.
( tambourine rattling )
( howls )
( speaking gibberish )
What are you doing,
Little Cloud?
- What is all this?
- Shh.
Admire how one summons
the celestial creatures.
- ( babbling )
- ( sparking )
Mmm, l don't get it.
l must have skipped a tambourine bit.
But no worries.
You must stay positive.
l know l'll get it.
- Well, it's been fun...
- ( gurgIing )
...but maybe you should cut back
on the cactus juice.
( turkeys gobbling )
( singing )
( gobbling )
( chanting,
gobbling continue )
Ooh! The visitor will be blown away
when he sees you.
- Good job.
- ( applause )
( all hooting, applauding )
Excuse me, but it's time for me
to retire into the arms of Morpheus.
Huh?
Who the heck is that?
Aw, lucky her!
( distant voices
overIapping )
Huh? Hey, no way, miss.
You're way too pretty.
Yeah, sorry.
( thumping )
( music playing )
- lsn't she pretentious?
- ScandaIous!
Good evening, miss.
PIease aIIow me
to introduce myself.
- l am--
- Prince Vladimir Piffpov.
Talk of the town, it seems.
- Eh, Pichikov.
- A pleasure.
May l-- could l perhaps
offer you--
Offer me a drink?
Of course.
Two, please.
To the Wild West
and its beautiful ladies.
- ( coughs )
- Stuff's pretty harsh, isn't it?
The appIe aftertaste
caught me off guard.
lt tastes very good.
( squeaking )
- Shall we dance?
- ( tango music resumes )
lncredible!
l throw a ball with the prince
and he slips through your hands?
Who is this woman?
Huh?
- I don't know, Ma.
- lt must be Morpheus.
Come on! What are you
waiting for, dummies?
We're not going to let that stranger
swipe our prince.
Go on, get moving!
Vladimir: Don't look now,
but l think we're being followed.
They're just jealous.
Jealous? But of whom?
- Well...
- Do you mean of you?
What do you say
you and l lose them?
Something l've wanted to do
for quite some time.
Both:
Aw! Ma!
Don't worry,
my little darlings.
We have other means.
Come on, you,
time for you to do your job.
You are gonna get your prize.
l promise.
Oh, oh, oh!
No, no, you mustn't be shy now.
Let's continue to play,
shall we?
May I be so boId
as to tempt fate with you
and join your little game?
( yells )
Duchess: Why, of course!
The more, the merrier.
lf you would,
go easy on me, madam.
lt's my very first time
playing.
Oh! You're a beginner.
How marvelous.
We're going to have
some reaI fun now.
l'm almost certain of it.
( cackling )
Mmm !
Ho ho!
( Felicity laughing )
Ah! Ha ha!
Oh!
( chips rattling )
( cackling )
Felicity: l guess
l really smoked you, didn't l?
- ( laughing )
- l think it's time for me to retire.
When I Iose, I don't toIerate
arrogance and crass vulgarity very well.
Oh, now, please don't be upset,
Your Excellency.
It's just a case
of beginner's luck.
Hey, how about you and l
play one last hand?
- lf you win, you take it all.
- Oh?
But if l win, you give me
your son's hand
for one of my
darling daughters.
( both giggling )
Oh ho ho ho ho!
l've never heard of anything
so ridiculous.
What do you take me for?
Hey, l'm just saying.
You really lost big.
Fortunes change,
as l'm sure you know.
Unless you like losing?
Hit me.
( growls softly )
( squawking )
Ha ha!
( Felicity cackling )
( Melody, Harmony laughing )
Felicity: We're gonna be royal!
Can you beIieve it?
We're gonna be royal,
my darIings!
And that makes us
the "cream de la cream."
The cream de la cream !
That's what we are!
l love cream, though!
Maybe we'II even
have ourselves a butler!
( all laughing )
I beg you,
let me play another round
to earn back the hand
of my son.
What?
Did she just belch somethin'?
Ha ha ha ha!
You don't "tolerate vulgarity," huh?
Well, now, you're just going
to have to live with it!
( laughs )
VIadimir:
So beautiful.
CindereIIa:
The desert is-- wow.
VIadimir: Yes, this moonbeam
from heaven delicately revealing
the gentle dunes,
soft and round.
- And this mouth...
- Mouth?
( laughs )
What mouth?
This one.
Your face
is my landscape,
treasure at the end
of the worId.
Wait, listen.
l need-- l need
to tell you something.
l'm not the girl
you think l am.
Undoubtedly.
An angel that falls from heaven
inevitabIy hides a mystery.
Oh, boy,
you sure can talk.
- ( squawking )
- Hey, what's going on?!
- Cinderella: Hey!
- Whoa oh oh!
Oh, no, this is not happening.
Not now.
( squawking )
Come and get it,
pretty boy.
- ( grunts )
- Whoa!
Hyah!
Whoa!
lntimidating, isn't she?
CindereIIa: This might get
a little bumpy, Your Highness.
Vladimir: l certainly hope so.
Whoo-hoo!
( yelps )
( grunts )
VIadimir:
Whoa-aa!
( laughs )
Okay, amigos.
- ( Captain gasps )
- ( Felicity growls )
What are y'all doing here,
you big dummies?
- ( bird squawking )
- Huh?
( yells )
( all shouting )
- Melody: What the heck?
- Harmony: IncredibIe!
( bell rings )
So what's your pleasure,
Your Highness?
Mmm,
a shot of cactus juice.
Make it a double.
First mate: Your attention, please.
May l have your attention, please?
This is a kidnapping.
Cooperate and no one will be hurt.
CindereIIa:
Except you.
Hey.
Oh!
The duchess!
The duchess!
- ( slaps )
- Oh!
Ha ha, amazing.
Truly remarkable.
Ugh!
( laughs )
Oh!
My dear man,
if you want a dance with me,
you'll have to be
a lot more sophisticated than this.
Perhaps-- whoo!
Put down my mother. Ah!
Right-- whew.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
( laughs )
Harmony:
That's it, Ma! Watch out.
You got it, Ma!
No, left, Ma.
Go Ieft.
- ( gasps )
- Get out of the way.
Oh, oh,
this is so much fun!
Oh, Vladimir,
this is fantastic.
lt reminds me
of the days of my youth.
Stay right there, Mother.
You'll be fine.
- Vladimir?
- Yes?
You're never going to forgive me.
Oh, those horrid cards.
Come to the point, Mother.
l made a huge mistake--
an enormous mistake.
So did I.
l fell in love.
You did?
ls she here?
l want to see her.
There, with the chair.
Hyah!
Howdy.
- Ah!
- Hey.
- Cinderella: Ahh!
- Please, l don't have time for you now.
Bunch of bumpkins!
- Ow.
- ( turkey gobbling )
Wait a minute.
Why are you here?
- ( jackaI howIing )
- Oh, bison's horns!
I forgot to teII her
that the magic stops working
at the twelfth cry
of the jackaI.
Hey, what's happening
to me?
Oh, that rotten little shaman
and his two-bit magic.
( grunts )
- ( groans )
- Whoa!
No!
Please let me go.
You should know that l love
fine clothes,
jewels and refinements,
but that goes without saying.
Oh!
( both grunting )
- Ah!
- Felicity: Good job, my girl.
( grunts )
( groans )
Who let these lowlifes in?
- ( all shouting )
- Vladimir: Wait, Mother.
- Stop them. They've got my mother.
- Pirates: We gotta get out of here!
Hey, come back here!
Y'all follow me.
Mother!
( rifle cocking )
Give me back my royals
or l'll pulverize you!
( rapid gunfire )
( pirates yelping )
We must go after them.
There must be some way we can
stop them and get my mother back.
( grunts )
Take him to my place.
Felicity, you've gone
too far this time.
As an officer of honest folks'
good night's sIeep,
l must remind you of the laws
pertaining to unruIy noises.
( puffs )
Okay.
( Vladimir sighing )
( twangs )
( murmurs )
My princess...
Well, it looks like our young
prince here is gonna Iive.
My princess!
l have to go save my princess.
( laughs )
l'm afraid you can't,
'cause you're getting married tomorrow.
He's cute, ain't he?
Vladimir:
l'm getting married tomorrow?
ls that some kind of joke?
Nah, you're ours, baby.
l won you at cards.
( crashes )
Cards?
Mother,
what have you done?
Um, l like sports, animals,
hiking in the woods,
and getting caught
in a summer rain.
Oh, you know what l like?
l like goin' shopping,
real loud country music,
and cuddling by the fire.
( giggles )
This is just
one big nightmare.
l'm sorry, sweet ladies,
but my heart is already taken
by a mysterious beauty.
l'll marry the one
who lost this tooth for me.
MeIody:
He's into teeth?
But my most pressing need
right now
is to go save my mother and--
Hush, my prince.
- We're all one big family now.
- ( grunts )
You'll catch on.
We already love you.
- ( birds squawking )
- First mate: Amigos!
( all applauding )
Gracias, gracias.
Muchas gracias.
Duchess:
Vladimir? Vladimir?
( all laughing )
( rattling )
( gasps )
Oh!
Oh ho ho! Traveling under
these horrible conditions!
This had better be
worth it, gentlemen.
Uh...
the woman
with sickly, pale skin
wears big, beautifuI stones
that shine just like diamonds.
( Iaughs )
That's because they are diamonds.
You poor, ignorant miscreant
little clown.
( all laughing )
Dark Lopez will scalp your wig
and read the weather report
with your intestines.
( growls )
What's wrong with you people?
You're embarrassing me.
What do l need louts
like you for?
You're all savages.
( grunts )
Ah, my lady Duchess.
( laughs )
With whom
do l have the honor?
Capitn Barbazul.
But my friends call me jefe.
Oh ha ha!
You remind me of a distant cousin, sir--
- admiral of the lmperial Fleet.
- Ho ho ho! My dear Duchess,
we've barely met each other
and we're already exchanging
compIiments.
He was a drunk--
a disgrace to the family.
( all laughing )
You are ticklish
like a small bubble of champagne.
Allow me to accompany you
to your quarters. This way.
Why, yes, of course.
l was beginning to worry.
( rattling, squeaks )
Where is the other haIf
of my business, you idiot?
- Where is the prince?
- Mi capitn...
there was a little bit
of a complication.
A complication?
Ah.
Another blow from that damn Big Storm
and his irritating IittIe pest.
No, jefe.
They were there this time.
And as I toId you,
he's not called
Big Storm, jefe, but--
( gags )
he's called Little Cloud. Oh!
Duchess:
l'm waiting!
l am all yours, lady Duchess.
( laughs )
I want him,
you hear me?
lf not, you'll be eating sand
for the rest of eternity.
- ( grunts )
- ( moaning )
Oh, what a waste.
lt was a brand-new one.
Vladimir:
lt's simple.
You set me free, I don't marry anyone,
and you keep the ladies for yourselves.
Everyone wins.
Got it?
- Bob?
- Uh, not really.
Well, hmm...
What is that thing?
Uh, a violin.
- Huh?
- Uh, a musical instrument.
No?
Uh, a piece of wood.
Oh.
( plays lullaby )
( Bob smacking lips )
- ( music continues )
- l'm the one he wants.
- No.
- ( Melody snoring )
l'm the one.
l'm gonna have to remember
to get rid
of that stupid guitar.
Can't be putting up
with that every day.
Cinderella: We can't just
leave him there like that.
Little Cloud:
Whoa.
A squaw in Iove
is more careless
than a bIind chick
on the edge of a canyon.
- lf you say l'm in love one more time--
- ( chuckIes )
It's beside the point.
l'd do this for anybody.
( lullaby continues )
lf you're thinking he'll remember you,
then you might as weII forget it.
l don't care if he remembers me.
l am what l am.
So you don't want
to get married after all?
( laughs )
He's just kidding.
We'd better get a move on.
We can't stay here.
You?
Oh, it's just you.
- Good to see you too.
- Sorry. l took you for someone else--
- a young Iady.
- You trying to say l'm not one?
No, what l'm trying
to say is...
there was a young woman.
And never mind.
Okay, enough with all
the papoose taIk.
Look, we must
leave this place quickly
if you want to find
old "Squaw Feathers."
- He means your mother.
- Mm-hmm.
( dog barking )
"This is the reason why,
by this certified document,
I hereby officiaIIy appoint Capitn
lgnatius Lopez Santamaria Barbazul"--
that's me--
"as sole inheritor of my lands,
properties and related structures..."
Humph.
( groaning, sighs )
- Eh!
- ( snake rattles )
"...complete fortune
and all related merchandise therein."
- ( groans )
- Uh-oh.
There, all it needs
is your signature now.
Oh, l see.
And afterward,
what, may l ask,
do you intend to do
with me?
Afterwards?
Uh, Duchess, afterwards...
l'm afraid once we're finished,
I must kiII you.
( gasps )
No, really?
Please understand,
it is rather difficult
to inherit from someone
who is stiII aIive.
The paperwork alone
would be overwhelming.
Oh oh oh!
You pretend to be tough,
but my intuition says otherwise.
I know--
let's play a few hands, shall we?
( grumbling )
Let my rattlers
take care of her, jefe.
- ( snakes rattle )
- She'll sign that before sunrise.
- Oh oh oh!
- Silencio!
- Duchess?
- ( moans )
Duchess, it's a priviIege to have
someone of your stature aboard.
l will agree to postpone
your signing
out of respect
for your royal person-ness.
Oh, you are too kind.
Tell me, sir, would you please ask
your manservant there
to fetch me a nice pot
of sarsaparilla?
( groans )
His manservant?
l am Dark Lopez the Bandit!
Son of Carbon XlV the Nefarious!
- l have--
- You heard what the lady said.
Go and find her
some sarsaparilla.
Go to Hades and back
if necessary.
( violin whines )
Helping a stranger
like you're doing with me--
it's so rare.
- lt's-- it's magical. Oh!
- ( ostrich moans )
I reaIIy don't want
to seem ungrateful, old man,
but couId you possibIy
give me back my violin?
- No.
- Okay. l see.
( violin whines )
Could you please play
a little more gently then?
- It's fragiIe.
- ( scraping )
- ( ostrich honks )
- Ahh!
( laughs )
F-sharp is always a little bit
awkward for me.
l'm happy to entertain,
but my heart's
not really into it.
No, my mother has been abducted
by dangerous, IawIess bandits,
and I myseIf bareIy escaped
the horror of a shotgun marriage
aII to be stuck out here
in the middle of nowhere
with a tone-deaf lndian
and a pigtailed cowgirl.
What?
Did he say "pigtailed cowgirl"?
Ah, sorry, I seem to have
forgotten myself. lt's the stress.
We pull him from Felicity's claws,
offer to save his mother,
and this is the thanks we get?
The sign of the scorpion
never touches the royal pony.
Or is it the sign of the horse?
l can never remember.
WeII, if he thinks he's so cIever,
he can go save his duchess by himself.
- Chicken!
- Chicken?
My ancestors were proud conquerors.
I Iaugh at the smeII of danger.
( laughs )
Without question, Cinderella,
your prince has cIass.
He's not my prince.
( Bobs snoring )
Uh...
Oh, my prince!
( grunting )
Where's my prince?
Make me forget that l should
smash you both like the bugs you are.
We'll find him, my darlings.
He's our son,
our sweet cream icing,
our hot cherry turnover.
Heads up, Ma!
- Should we go left or right?
- Straight ahead!
- ( grunts )
- ( girls scream )
Come on, gallop faster,
you overgrown imbeciles!
( laughing dumbly )
( violin whines )
- ( ostrich groans )
- ( grunts )
( grunts )
This animaI
is just unmanageable.
Sometimes the F-sharp
is a little bit awkward.
Need a hand, Prince?
Ah.
Uh, thank you, Cinderella.
LittIe CIoud,
could you please stop playing?
You're torturing my poor ostrich.
Can't you see that?
Oh, brother, here you go.
lt's a Stradivarius knockoff
made from really cheap wood,
if you ask me.
( chuckIes )
Strings made in the South Pole.
Your violin is a piece of dung.
lf you please, old man, l do not intend
to discuss this with you, aII right?
Your violin looks like a drum.
Little Cloud is quite unique.
You've known him a long time,
l gather?
Since forever.
He's my guardian.
Mmm. lt's important to have friends
you can reIy on.
So do you have a sweetheart?
Um, well, l don't know.
That'II depend
on a lot of things.
Ah, it seems l've hit
a sore spot.
( distant squawking )
Whoa.
This looks like a perfect place
for us to rest for the night
before we head into Barbazul's
territory.
And l hope the soothing darkness
of night
wiII give some courage
to my little Blind Chick.
BIind Chick
is your nickname?
- Why? Got a problem with that?
- Not at all.
A blind chick is very cute
and quite easy to catch.
Duchess:
Ah! Full house.
( groans )
The fates are against me.
First it's that Mad Storm
and his annoying little pest.
And now a duchess
who aIways wins!
Oh ho ho ho!
They say unlucky at cards
means Iucky in Iove.
( footsteps approaching )
This isn't what l usually eat.
What is it?
l gave your manservant a recipe
for a fine omeIet.
It's made
Princess-of-Tuscany style.
An omelet?
Ha, my lady Duchess, it's a marvel!
A triumph!
lt's a total catastrophe.
You put too much
nutmeg in it.
That's right!
There's way too much nutmeg in this.
What were you thinking,
you imbeciIe?
Don't you even know
how to make a simple omelet?
Start over! Go on!
HonestIy, I just don't know
what to do with him anymore.
Perhaps you might try
imposing a IittIe...
hard-nosed discipline.
- ( thumping )
- Ahh!
( groans )
( laughs )
- How was that, huh?
- Not bad.
I think perhaps
a little bit too nice.
Too nice?!
We'll see how nice l am
when l lay my hands on your son,
Duchess.
lt'll be your signature on the paper
or his head in my hand.
And we'll see
if you think l'm nice then.
Oh ho ho ho ho!
My son?
But my dear friend,
my son will cut you to pieces.
Bring the next dish!
( groans )
Vulture sashimi
filleted and cold-wrapped,
in fresh-cut green beans picked
from the garden this very morning.
( snarls )
( gulps )
LittIe CIoud,
l congratulate you.
This little impromptu shish kabab
is wonderfuI.
Oh, yes, my friend. Country rats
are always better than city ones.
- Ugh!
- ( Cinderella laughs )
Beautiful night.
MoonIight is ideaI
for opening hearts.
- You think?
- Yes, l do.
Don't you worry, Prince.
We will get
your mother back.
I'm not too worried.
l've got one feisty mother.
It's reaIIy those bandits
who should be worried.
Then what's
eating you, huh?
Oh, weII,
l guess l can tell you.
Last night at the ball,
I had a reveIation.
Uh, what do you mean?
Last night l fell, Cinderella--
fell in love
with a girl so beautiful
she makes the stars blush.
Everything about her
exudes feminine perfection,
incomparabIe grace--
charming and quite slim.
A bit like you, really,
except she's--
Oh, you should have
seen her in action.
Speaking of which-- ha ha--
this is her tooth.
She lost it while bravely fighting
the intruders by my side.
And afterwards, she disappeared.
- Um, about the tooth...
- Yes?
A lifelong commitment
because of a tooth--
does that really make sense?
Well, it's not glamorous, but...
Well, forget your toothless princess.
There are Iots of princesses,
- some of them pigtailed.
- l love pigtails.
Hey, Vladimir, look around you
with your heart.
( laughs )
Are you talking about you?
No, l'm talking about Felicity--
a huge princess
and no pigtails.
Excuse me, Cinderella.
You're so nice.
l mean it.
( violin playing )
Hmm, l smell bad vibes.
l don't think he's into
pigtaiIed cowgirIs.
'Night.
- ( music continues )
- Felicity: Cinderella.
( girls sobbing )
Smoke that
little vermin good.
Oh, this music
is so romantic.
- What are you waiting for?
- ( sobbing )
l can't do it...
because of the prince's
piece of wood.
Oh, give me that,
you idiot.
( bullets whistle )
CindereIIa:
Take cover!
Get in the wagon.
We'll crush 'em with it.
lt'll be cleaner that way.
lt is said that where
the bear can slip through,
the tiny mouse cannot.
No, wait, it's the opposite.
Anyway, follow me!
So what do tiny mice do now?
l'm not really sure.
l should consult my peace pipe
when l can.
Any bright ideas,
Your Serene Highness?
Uh, parry and thrust,
charge with gusto?
- I am stiII thinking.
- Okay, so it's up to me.
You two keep going!
Hey, Felicity, did you lose your prince?
Too bad!
Guess he didn't want a big bag
of mashed potatoes like you
- for a mother-in-law!
- ( grunts )
- ( bomb whistling )
- Hyah!
( gasps )
Cinderella really dressed you down, Ma.
That's just not right.
Get her!
Get that little vermin!
( growIs )
- ldiots, can't you go any faster?
- Both: Yeah!
- Felicity: Hey! Ah-hh!
- ( gunfire rattIing )
Let's fall back now!
( grunting )
Hey, stop!
You hear me? Stop!
( grunts )
What are you doing?
All right, make music!
- ( vioIin scrapes )
- ( Cinderella grunts )
( all yell )
( Little Cloud laughing )
Like l keep saying,
F-sharp is aIways
a little bit awkward.
( laughs )
( Harmony grunting )
( Felicity yelling )
CindereIIa!
( grunts )
- Ah-hh!
- Ah!
That was great.
Very tasty.
Ah, it's pretty good,
this sarsaparilla.
- The duchess knows her stuff.
- Yeah.
- This is fair trade, no?
- DefiniteIy.
( whispering )
Barbazul's men are close by.
We must be cautious as the beaver
and silent as the earthworm.
Doo doo doo doo!
My, it's truly magnificent here.
Or as my princess
would say, "Wow!"
Hey, what is it, champ?
You see something over there?
Never speak again
unless you want to get us all shot.
And enough about that princess.
It's getting reaIIy oId.
- Pardon?
- "Wow!"
- Your princess sounds ridiculous.
- Listen, I wiII not permit you to--
Shh.
Silent as the earthworm, remember?
Do you hear that, Little Cloud?
And where was your little dancer
when FeIicity
was putting her claws into you?
And who was saving your skin
making you shut up
when you were screaming like some
Iunatic when you needed to be siI--
Silent as the worm.
And cautious as the beaver.
( birds singing )
( squawking )
Hyah!
Little Cloud:
Hide! Quickly as you can!
Cinderella:
Hyah!
Oof!
Argh!
Hey, Cinderella!
( screeching )
( garbled shouting )
( fly buzzing )
Okay...
Okay.
- Okay.
- Huh?
Everybody do
as the old shaman does.
Okay, come along now.
( grunts )
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go!
And now we go.
( grunts )
Come on, Prince.
Let's go.
Thanks, little cowgirl.
Aw, forget it,
Prince Blah-Blah Whatever.
Hey!
Look over there.
lt's a big cave.
Let's go.
( humming )
Hey, can't you ever
stop goofing off?
- ( grunts )
- ( gasps )
( rumbles )
( bird squawking )
Follow the old shaman. Hurry!
( Little Cloud laughing )
( grunting )
Ah!
Ooh-ow!
That's prickly.
Hey, Ma, can we
take a breather?
Nah! We ain't stopping
till we find our little prince
and the filthy vermin
who helped him.
Hope that heat didn't get him
and bake his brain.
Those fools should have never
Iet him out of that room
without his little hat.
- ( grunts )
- Move it, you big ugly beast!
( Bob laughs )
This is for you, Cinderella.
Why have you helped me
like this, Cinderella,
with all the risks
and dangers involved?
What do you think?
l don't know.
You're kind of an angel--
an angeI
fallen from heaven.
- Cinderella?
- Yes?
- Would you smile for me?
- What for?
Because l need to know.
And if for once you say that me,
Cinderella,
- am this princess of your dreams--
- Huh?
No more lovey-dovey talk!
We've got a probIem.
We'll soon be leaving
the beIIy of the earth
and not in a good way.
Hang on!
( all shouting )
Hold on like a mouse
to a baby's skuII!
( both screaming )
( squawking )
( Cinderella grunts )
WeII, then,
considering where l am,
it seems the great shaman's journey
ends here.
( bird squawks )
Bueno!
Jefe will be very happy
when I bring to him
this excellent news.
Ow! Ah, jefe!
lf you would just listen--
Disturbing me while l'm making
macaroons for the duchess.
l ought to hang you.
But, jefe, on the deck!
Look, you'll see!
l was right in the middle of preparing
the custard-- the most important part.
- Ahh!
- ( grunts )
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Bueno!
Now we can finally get down
to the business at hand.
( laughs )
Go and get the duchess.
Yi-ii!
Here is your sombrero, jefe.
- Oh! Madre de Dios!
- ( garbled groaning )
I toId you to never
let that little pest on board.
Now that she's here,
Big Storm can't be far away.
Not Big Storm, jefe.
His name is Little--
Ah!
Welcome. We've been
impatiently waiting for you.
l'm so glad to see you
aboard my ship.
- You are too kind.
- ( Cinderella grunts )
Ah!
How l hate that infuriating little pest.
Tie her up right away!
You may wish to be
a bit more respectful to her.
She might summon
Big Storm after aII.
Believe me,
that would be a bad idea.
Vladimir!
You've finally come!
Just in time to have tea.
Well, not exactly a proper tea,
since someone
who will remain nameless
walked away and didn't finish
making the macaroons!
( laughs )
Lady Duchess,
that no longer matters,
for l regret to inform you
that teatime has been canceled.
Mother,
you are incomparable.
Oh!
l see you've brought someone along
to keep you company.
Now who is this charming
little pigtailed cowgirl?
( garbled )
Jeez, it must run in the family.
- Her name is Cinderella.
- Hmm, she's a big pest.
Thanks to her, we're here.
You have no idea the many dangers
her and l have faced
together.
Why didn't you call us?
We would have rushed to your aid.
lsn't that right, Barba?
( grunts )
This one to the mast,
secureIy attached
so she can't get away.
Andale!
lf my princess could be here,
she wouId beat
these little bandits up.
CindereIIa:
Hmm hmm hmm !
Enough of this!
The time has come
to sign the paper, Duchess.
Oh ho ho ho ho!
My poor friend,
you actually believe my son
wiII Iet you do that?
( laughs )
( grunts )
Ah! WeII,
unfortunately, Mother,
l just might disappoint you
this time.
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Listen to me, Duchess,
on this ship, when you dive,
you do not return aIive.
Oh, l see.
You're making threats now?
l am so disappointed in you.
l mean, really now.
l never imagined so petty.
( growls )
- ( cannon blasts )
- Whoa ho! Ahh!
Whoa-ah!
Whoa-aa!
Everyone to your stations.
Prepare for combat, on the double!
( Cinderella moaning )
- ( cannonfire blasting )
- Mmm !
( ship creaking )
( birds squawking )
Be sure not to do anything
to my prince, you idiot.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
( rumbling )
( moaning )
Felicity, you little witch!
Get them immediately!
Make macaroons of them. Hurry!
( cannonfire blasting )
( ship creaking )
Duchess:
Oh!
Jefe, we are done for!
Keep bailing,
you useless bunch of idiots!
You're worthless.
l'm so sorry, jefe.
l'll go grab your Parmesan.
- And l will go get the nutmeg.
- Jefe? Jefe?
We are out of sarsaparilla.
( Duchess laughing )
Hyah!
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Deserters! Cowards! Sheep!
Get back here!
How dare you abandon ship
right in the middle of a battle?
l'll skin
every one of you alive!
Excuse me, but l believe
I can definiteIy say
with a boldness that even
amazes me
that you wiII not be
skinning anyone alive.
( grunts )
Bueno, then l'll have to settle
for shortening your line of succession.
Do not worry, my princess.
l'm coming.
- Hyah!
- Ha ha.
You can try to escape,
but that's not going to happen.
l'm going to cut you into pieces!
( grunts )
Then l'm going to feed you
to the fishes!
Ha ha! Got you.
You know,
just between you and me,
l prefer you
to the one at the ball.
( Cinderella grunts )
l'm gonna take you apart!
Oh!
l'll squash you...
like a tiny little bug!
( grunts )
Oof!
Believe me, l know Vladimir.
There are some looks that cannot lie.
Mother, please,
it's very hard to concentrate
with you talking on incessantly.
S. I am sorry,
but l must agree.
What l am doing here
is muy importante.
Excuse me, my dears.
Carry on. We'll just watch.
- ( grunting )
- ( laughing )
- Huh? Huh?
- Ahh!
Ol!
( Harmony moans )
Ahh!
- Huh?
- ( blasts )
Duchess:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh!
- ( grunts )
( garbIed )
Ah, no, no, no!
Oh!
Thank you.
Enough of all this kidding around.
Duchess, you must sign now.
You sound Iike a broken record.
lt's getting quite tiresome, you know.
No offense, but l really think
you should strongly consider
- a new line of work.
- ( grunts )
Oh! What is happening?
But then again,
who am l to say?
- You certainly are original.
- ( Barbazul grunting )
Thank you again
for being so decisive,
but about this tooth l have--
can l please have a smile?
- You never give up, do you?
- ( gunfire popping )
l'm wondering,
Your Grace...
Your girlfriends
were missing you.
You didn't feeI
welcome enough with us,
so you decided
to see the country?
Right, we certainly do have
a lot to talk about.
But for the moment,
this vessel is sinking,
so it's not really the time or--
Wrong! We'll pick things up
right where we Ieft off.
Now you're aII ours.
Bring me the captain.
FeIicity:
And you, nasty little beast,
wait till you see what l have
in store for you.
- Right, darIings?
- Yeah, it's gonna be the best.
First up, we're gonna scratch your eyes
right out of your head.
Second, we're gonna cut off
one of your Iegs.
It'II be too funny
to see you limping.
And third, we're not sure,
but we'll think of something.
( grunting )
Ah!
( grunts )
FeIicity:
Come on!
( laughs )
But, Felicity, there must be
some kind of misunderstanding.
CIam up!
You're the captain, right?
You can marry people, right?
So marry us.
Both:
Uh, yeah!
But this is crazy, Ma.
He's mine, girls.
lt's my turn.
l'm gonna be a princess.
Y'all hear me?
Maybe we'll make you two
a IittIe brother.
Right, Prince?
Well, l am certainly honored by your
proposaI, but I reaIIy don't think so.
What are you waiting for?
Get on with it.
We are gathered here together
to celebrate the marriage--
Skip that.
Prince, do you take Felicity here
as your IawfuI--
- No!
- Bobs: Yeah, yeah!
They said yes. Move on.
FeIicity, do you take
this Prince Vladimir here
to be your lawful wedded husband
tiII death do you part?
- Cinderella: Bon voyage.
- Duchess: Oh!
My Barbazul!
( cracking )
- ( ship rumbling )
- ( all moaning )
Whoa!
FeIicity:
Help me! l can't get up! Help!
Mother, watch out.
( Cinderella grunting )
Hold on.
Grab my hand.
Don't go near him,
you IittIe monster.
l won him fair.
He's mine.
- Prince!
- Just give me your hand.
Come on.
( grunts )
Major heads up, Ma!
Super major heads up, Ma!
My prince!
You're supposed to be mine.
l was gonna cook for you.
Daughters:
Ma!
- Harmony: Ma!
- Melody: Help me!
( nervous laughter )
- Not afraid?
- Afraid?
Both:
Ha ha! Whoo!
( creaking )
l do not want to rush you, but--
Duchess:
Oh! Who's that strange person?
ls he a friend of yours?
Yeah, it's Little Cloud.
Yeah, the return
of the great shaman, at your service.
Hop on!
Hurry, come on.
You mean we're going
without jefe Barbazul?
And who is this strangely dressed,
smelly old man?
Whoa. Even a flower must wait
for the rain to bathe.
Oh! No offense.
( boat creaking )
- The tooth!
- Cinderella: The tooth?
Please come on!
Oh, of all the stupid
wiId-goose chases.
- Go on.
- No.
When the mother hen sees
the fragiIe chick in danger,
does she Ieave,
or does she stay?
Exactly!
Mother hen is really cheeky!
( coughing )
( fire crackling )
Would you stop?
This is pointless.
lt's me.
l've known that for a while.
I thought you'd Iike
to have all your teeth
to eat our wedding cake.
( sizzling )
- Little Cloud: Oh oh oh!
- Vladimir!
Oh, Cinderella.
Yee-hah!
Duchess: You're a tyrant!
A rogue assassin.
You almost made me fall over
and die of grief!
Ah, finally, Prince,
l'll be your princess.
Oh ho!
( spits )
( both laugh )
LittIe CIoud:
Now, many moons have passed.
People have erased Felicity
from their memories,
and life has returned
to its natural course.
As for Cinderella,
l think she's found
her Prince Charming.
Nice guy--
horrible musician, but nice.
And l kept my promise.
As for the little ones, they'll just
have to get along without me.
- ( steam hissing )
- ( bell ringing )
( whistle squealing )
l'm afraid l'm not one
for long goodbyes.
l hope they won't be
too angry.
( violin scrapes )
( ostrich grunts )
Eh.
( chuckles )
But what is certain--
l will miss them both.
( train whistle squeals )
( mariachi music playing )
Ho. Oh...
What horrid cards.
And presto! Oh!
Ah, my dear Duchess,
it is a pleasure to see you again.
Oh!
Jefe Barbazul!
Ha. Why don't we talk
a little business?
Oh! Oh-hh!
( grunts )
What is it? What's wrong, my dear?
Speak to me.
Santa Mara, Madre de Dios!
Oh! I'm such
a horrible monster.
Such a mindless brute.
Oh, my Duchess, please,
you can't do this to me.
l've gone through sand and fire
to find you once again.
l-- l think of you every second
of the day.
Who cares
about that ridiculous will?
It's-- it's you
that l really want.
Santa Mara!
Madre de Dios!
Quickly,
bring me the salts,
some ammonia
and sarsaparilla!
Un, dos, tres...
( singing in Spanish )
( hawk squawking )
( distant howling )
( birds twittering )
( loud squawking )
( distant howling )
( squawking )
( hawk squawks )
Our beloved ancestors
had given us a beautiful home,
a place of amazing
naturaI wonders.
The rocks, the sand,
the cactus.
( chuckles )
Nothing was better.
And then one day,
Felicity arrived here.
And she built Felicity City.
Narrator: At first glance,
it's a town like most others--
its sheriff constantly
on the lookout for evildoers,
his senses like a puma.
( bell tolling )
And like all respectable towns,
FeIicity City
has its very own church.
Except here in this town,
if you see folks hurrying around
earIy Sunday morning...
it's because they are
on their way
to give their respects
to Felicity.
You see, my friends, it's not called
FeIicity City for nothing.
Heh! What is this,
some kind of jug?
No, not at all.
Very ancient, Ming Dynasty.
Very expensive.
Very ancient?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
After aII I've done for you,
you come here with an old jug?
You know, I think
l'm going to take a pass
on the oId jug,
if you don't mind.
Ming Dynasty.
Very expensive. Very ancient.
l think this idiot
actually believes it.
He's so darn cute
when he says "Ming Dynasty."
So true.
( laughs )
Yeah! Ha!
He's cute, all right.
Next time don't bring me no jug.
Get out.
- Who's next?
- Aha.
Ha ha, my darling Felicity.
( chuckIes )
( rattling )
Personally, l would have preferred
Iiving on the prairie
like my ancestors. But...
- ( coins rattIing )
- ...l made a promise long ago
that has kept me
tied to this place--
a promise
to watch over someone.
- ( slaps )
- Ugh!
- ( thumps )
- Uhh!
Cinderella.
Let go of poor Bob McDonagan
this instant.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Sorry, but l had no choice.
These two had to learn to remove
their hats when seeing a lady
and not to spit.
Oh, no, no, no, don't you
look at me like that, Cinderella.
( chuckles )
You're straying down a crooked path,
- so stop your grinning.
- ( ostrich grunts )
( grunts )
lt's incredible.
There's not a single guy
in this miserabIe town
who demonstrates
the least bit of chivalry.
Hyah!
Okay, so we're not in Mrs. Blah Blah's
lofty circle or anything,
but who cares? l mean, really,
can't they see l'm a girl?
I was just sitting there thinking
that if l answered her question,
she wouId most sureIy
punch me right in the nose,
when suddenIy, something
completely unexpected happened
that would finally allow me
to keep my promise.
A teIegram!
An actual telegram !
( panting )
- lt's for your mother.
- Stepmother.
Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.
Would you mind bringing it to her?
- l mean, l don't dare.
- ( spits )
You see, l have no gift
to bring her.
- ( sighs )
- Dogs: And with this axe,
chopping very hard for--
- for your grace and beauty--
- Yeah.
- --we makes--
- Uh, make-- this lovely beaver.
( girl laughing )
Well, it's something, l suppose.
Very pretty.
But I'm not about to give
my daughters' hands to just anyone.
You two are poor,
and this ain't the lottery.
- Oh, yeah, but--
- Felicity: Listen.
l ain't bartering my little angels
for a worthIess piece of wood.
- Right, darIings?
- Yeah, that's right, fellas.
l guess you ain't really
suited for us.
Yeah, that's too bad, boys.
( laughs )
Better luck to you next time.
( dog moans )
So that's it, huh?
A town of ingrates.
l've taken
everything from them
and now they've got
nothing left to give.
What the heck am l going
to do now for fun?
- l'm exhausted.
- ( door opens )
What are you doing here
in the house?
l told you to cut up
aII the wood.
I'm bringing my gift,
like everyone else does.
- Here, fetch.
- ( sniffs )
- ( screams )
- Oh!
- Ugh!
- ( dog growling )
Y'all better go get yourselves
aII gussied up, my darIings.
- ( daughter groaning )
- A prince is coming to my town!
( train whistle wailing )
Andale!
( laughs )
( train whistle blows )
( gunshots firing )
( gasps )
( ringing )
Goodness gracious,
what a ruckus.
Discovering the New World
requires certain sacrifices.
l suppose.
( gunfire continues )
( yelps )
( whistle tweeting )
Hyah!
( yelps, moans )
( grunts )
Woman:
Oh.
Man: An extraordinary face, haggard
by the hard climate of the West.
Very authentic.
( garbled )
Your money or your life.
AIIow me. I don't understand
a word you're saying, my friend.
( grunts )
Gracias, seor.
What I said to you was,
"Your money or your life."
lt's up to you.
For lgor's sake,
would it be too much to ask
to be able to play a simple game
of cards without being interrupted?
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to cut this conversation short.
( yells )
( grunts )
( grunting )
Whoa!
Ah!
( howls )
( squawking )
( growling )
( train whistle tweets )
( grunting, sighing )
( all cheering, applauding )
( brakes screech )
( hissing )
That was fantastic!
This certainly is
a new worId.
Oh, my Lord. If I can just
find someone to play cards with--
l mean some real players.
l hope you have been
discreet, Mother.
As you know,
we are strictly incognito here.
Oh, Vladimir.
Your mother is not a gossip
and you know it.
l can assure you, my son,
that l haven't breathed a word
of our journey here
to a single living soul.
l am sorry.
You're wonderful.
( all cheering )
How lovely. Thank you.
- Not a word, Mother?
- Oh!
( Mother laughs )
Welcome, welcome, Your Highnesses,
to Felicity City.
Oh!
l am Felicity.
- And what you see is all me.
- ( fIy buzzes )
Having you here is a great honor
for simple people like us--
l mean, like them.
Please, l'd like to introduce you
to my daughters.
Melody? Harmony?
Where are those girls?
Oh, there are
my dearest darlings!
- At their studies as always.
- ( flute tweets )
Beautiful, aren't they?
Oh!
Ah! Who would have
expected to find
in such a dry and
hostile-seeming place like this--
Such tempting and juicy salads?
It's aImost a miracIe.
They'll take good care of you.
Your Highness, it's all arranged.
- They'll be your guardian angels.
- Duchess: Oh!
Oh, and there's going to be
a ball in your honor tonight.
Oh. Ha!
A ball?
What a stroke of luck, Mother.
l thought we were going to discover
the West and its rude austerity.
Eh! The carriage!
( tires screech, rumbling )
Ah, my violin.
Sheriff:
The law is unequivocal.
Train attacks are a crime.
Yes indeed,
l gotta make a point here.
( jaw harp twanging )
( grunts )
As if l didn't already have
enough to do, thanks to Felicity.
Now l'm forced to be a flunky
for the tourists.
Um, Cinderella, uh uh uh...
lt's true.
l mean, who cares about some stuffy
prince and duchess of so-and-so?
Prince VIadimir
Semyonovich Sergeyev Pichikov,
- at your service.
- ( Iaughs )
And your name is?
Uh, my name?
WeII, it's--
it's more of a nickname, really.
lt's Cinderella.
Her name is Cinderella.
Well, Cinderella, if you don't mind,
l'll take my violin with me.
lt's fragile.
And the rest?
l mean your luggage,
shouId I take it to--
To the saloon, yes.
CouId I pIease
have my violin back now?
Yes.
- All right, then.
- The violin.
- Give him back his violin.
- Right!
Thank you.
So long, cowgirl.
( chuckling )
Got something to say,
Little Cloud?
SiIence is the friend of he
who wants an unbroken nose.
( sniffs )
Sheriff:
Oh! What an awful waste.
Do you ever think
about your mother?
lmagine her extreme
disappointment.
- ( bolt clicking )
- Sheriff: Yep!
Well, underneath it all,
l'm sure you're sorry.
Bleh! Bleh!
( squawking )
Yes, yes, yes!
I won again.
No, you didn't.
You cheated again.
Oh! Vladimir!
Oh! My cruel, torturing,
pitiIess, heartIess son.
You are still angry
at your poor old mother, aren't you?
Okay, okay, okay!
l announced our arrival.
But in the end,
what does it change, hmm?
What does it change?
- ( crowd cheering )
- Absolutely nothing, Mother.
( girl squealing )
FeIicity:
Everything's got to be perfect!
First one to slack off
gets buried in the desert, you hear me?
So, Harmony,
can you lend me your girdle,
the one that makes me
look skinny?
Oh! You are such
a little cheapskate.
Huh?
Check it out, Melody.
CindereIIa's
trying to look like a girl!
( MeIody Iaughing )
She looks ridiculous.
Come on, just let me through.
Ow! Don't touch me
with those filthy little paws of yours.
What's going on over here?
Ma! CindereIIa just tried
to poke Harmony's eye out.
You gotta punish her, Ma.
Ha ha! Give her what she deserves.
- Go on and get ready, my darlings.
- ( Harmony Iaughing )
Now as for you,
you ungrateful little wretch,
how dare you try to mangle
my precious little beauties
on the very day a prince
has come here to my town?
Get Iost!
Get out of here, vermin!
( Cinderella sighs )
l want you packed up
and out of my saloon!
l'll be glad to get rid of you
once and for aII!
( both grunting )
Oh.
ls something wrong,
Cinderella?
No, not really.
l mean, l just--
I-- I gotta go.
She is shy, isn't she?
No? A little wild,
perhaps?
( rider yells )
Whoa!
( grunts, screams )
Argh!
What have l done to deserve
you worthless bunch of lazy,
brainless, good-for-nothing idiots?
You are not even capable
of attacking a stupid train.
Must l survive on a paltry diet
of cactus and vuIture eggs?
Madre mo!
- ( ship horn bellowing )
- ( laughs )
No. l am sorry.
It is my fauIt.
l am the one responsible.
( chuckIes )
S, my compaeros.
S, s.
l know, l still have much work to do
on my management skiIIs.
( laughs )
Give me that, amigo.
- ( thumps )
- ( yells )
There, that should be enough
to motivate all of you.
Or should l toss another?
( bird squawking )
Rider:
Whoa! Whoa!
( grunting )
Argh!
Where have you been?
What took you so long?
Jefe, on the train
there was a young prince
and also an old duchess.
A prince and a duchess?
S.
They got huge rings
the size of ostrich eggs.
Rings like ostrich eggs?
They're in town?
S, jefe.
l saw them like l see you now.
The prince was talking
to Cinderella and Little Cloud.
And is this Mad Storm
a friend of the prince and duchess?
No, jefe, no.
( laughs )
His name
is not Mad Storm, jefe.
His name is actuaIIy
Little Cloud, you see.
Little Cloud-- ugh!
( laughs )
Amigos,
we're back in business.
Here, take this, amigo.
That's for bringing me
the good news.
Thank you, jefe.
( screams )
And that's for getting caught
by the stupid sheriff.
What are you
waiting for, then?
Go there and find them !
AndaIe!
Bring them back here,
but not the Mad Storm
and his troublesome
little pest.
( screeches )
Whoa!
( groaning )
( yelps )
Hmm.
( jackals howl )
Harmony: Go and get
the pretty daisies...
Felicity: Ah, so gracious!
UnforgettabIe voice.
To think I traveIed
all the way across the country
just to hear this.
...and black widows
Go and get
some big wildflowers
lf you go down
nature's path...
Uh, madam, your lovely daughters
deserve the very best.
Oh, yes. lf l could only find
each of them a husband.
Bring me pretty poppies
lf you go out to the fair
Yeah, please bring me
pretty poppies
Or l'll shave off
aII my hair!
So, my lovely little prince,
you should check out
my darling daughters.
Spittin' image of their mother,
don't you think?
Spitting is indeed
the right word.
( music playing )
( all chattering )
Duchess:
What a lovely evening.
l'm having
such a wonderful time.
After that horrid trip,
this game is exactly what l needed.
Oh!
Full house!
Oh!
Duchess:
He's so sad, poor man.
( laughs )
MeIody:
Please bring me pretty poppies...
You heard good
what Felicity said, right, Bob?
Yeah, Bob.
"Only our princesses are entitled
to be beautiful tonight."
Yeah, Bob.
MeIody:
...l'll shave off all my hair!
Ah, you ain't pretty.
Go on in.
Hey, Bob, are you sure?
She had lots of charm.
No, she didn't.
( sobbing )
lf you're trying to humor me,
l'm not in the mood.
You know, Cinderella,
when you were only as tall
as a baby sparrow,
your mother made me promise
to watch over you.
Wow!
Well, isn't that great?
We get to hear the party
instead of going to it.
This is it, Cinderella.
It's time.
l'm going to help you.
You're going to the ball.
No way.
lf l go there, l'm toast.
And you can't help me.
You can't even put your boots on
by yourseIf.
You're right about that.
But what about the bandit ship
in the shifting sands?
That and, well,
what's the other time when you--
well-- l was--
well, the bandit ship--
don't forget, that was me.
( sighs )
l am a shaman,
don't forget.
I may be
a little old and gray,
but believe me,
you will go to the ball.
( tambourine rattling )
( howls )
( speaking gibberish )
What are you doing,
Little Cloud?
- What is all this?
- Shh.
Admire how one summons
the celestial creatures.
- ( babbling )
- ( sparking )
Mmm, l don't get it.
l must have skipped a tambourine bit.
But no worries.
You must stay positive.
l know l'll get it.
- Well, it's been fun...
- ( gurgIing )
...but maybe you should cut back
on the cactus juice.
( turkeys gobbling )
( singing )
( gobbling )
( chanting,
gobbling continue )
Ooh! The visitor will be blown away
when he sees you.
- Good job.
- ( applause )
( all hooting, applauding )
Excuse me, but it's time for me
to retire into the arms of Morpheus.
Huh?
Who the heck is that?
Aw, lucky her!
( distant voices
overIapping )
Huh? Hey, no way, miss.
You're way too pretty.
Yeah, sorry.
( thumping )
( music playing )
- lsn't she pretentious?
- ScandaIous!
Good evening, miss.
PIease aIIow me
to introduce myself.
- l am--
- Prince Vladimir Piffpov.
Talk of the town, it seems.
- Eh, Pichikov.
- A pleasure.
May l-- could l perhaps
offer you--
Offer me a drink?
Of course.
Two, please.
To the Wild West
and its beautiful ladies.
- ( coughs )
- Stuff's pretty harsh, isn't it?
The appIe aftertaste
caught me off guard.
lt tastes very good.
( squeaking )
- Shall we dance?
- ( tango music resumes )
lncredible!
l throw a ball with the prince
and he slips through your hands?
Who is this woman?
Huh?
- I don't know, Ma.
- lt must be Morpheus.
Come on! What are you
waiting for, dummies?
We're not going to let that stranger
swipe our prince.
Go on, get moving!
Vladimir: Don't look now,
but l think we're being followed.
They're just jealous.
Jealous? But of whom?
- Well...
- Do you mean of you?
What do you say
you and l lose them?
Something l've wanted to do
for quite some time.
Both:
Aw! Ma!
Don't worry,
my little darlings.
We have other means.
Come on, you,
time for you to do your job.
You are gonna get your prize.
l promise.
Oh, oh, oh!
No, no, you mustn't be shy now.
Let's continue to play,
shall we?
May I be so boId
as to tempt fate with you
and join your little game?
( yells )
Duchess: Why, of course!
The more, the merrier.
lf you would,
go easy on me, madam.
lt's my very first time
playing.
Oh! You're a beginner.
How marvelous.
We're going to have
some reaI fun now.
l'm almost certain of it.
( cackling )
Mmm !
Ho ho!
( Felicity laughing )
Ah! Ha ha!
Oh!
( chips rattling )
( cackling )
Felicity: l guess
l really smoked you, didn't l?
- ( laughing )
- l think it's time for me to retire.
When I Iose, I don't toIerate
arrogance and crass vulgarity very well.
Oh, now, please don't be upset,
Your Excellency.
It's just a case
of beginner's luck.
Hey, how about you and l
play one last hand?
- lf you win, you take it all.
- Oh?
But if l win, you give me
your son's hand
for one of my
darling daughters.
( both giggling )
Oh ho ho ho ho!
l've never heard of anything
so ridiculous.
What do you take me for?
Hey, l'm just saying.
You really lost big.
Fortunes change,
as l'm sure you know.
Unless you like losing?
Hit me.
( growls softly )
( squawking )
Ha ha!
( Felicity cackling )
( Melody, Harmony laughing )
Felicity: We're gonna be royal!
Can you beIieve it?
We're gonna be royal,
my darIings!
And that makes us
the "cream de la cream."
The cream de la cream !
That's what we are!
l love cream, though!
Maybe we'II even
have ourselves a butler!
( all laughing )
I beg you,
let me play another round
to earn back the hand
of my son.
What?
Did she just belch somethin'?
Ha ha ha ha!
You don't "tolerate vulgarity," huh?
Well, now, you're just going
to have to live with it!
( laughs )
VIadimir:
So beautiful.
CindereIIa:
The desert is-- wow.
VIadimir: Yes, this moonbeam
from heaven delicately revealing
the gentle dunes,
soft and round.
- And this mouth...
- Mouth?
( laughs )
What mouth?
This one.
Your face
is my landscape,
treasure at the end
of the worId.
Wait, listen.
l need-- l need
to tell you something.
l'm not the girl
you think l am.
Undoubtedly.
An angel that falls from heaven
inevitabIy hides a mystery.
Oh, boy,
you sure can talk.
- ( squawking )
- Hey, what's going on?!
- Cinderella: Hey!
- Whoa oh oh!
Oh, no, this is not happening.
Not now.
( squawking )
Come and get it,
pretty boy.
- ( grunts )
- Whoa!
Hyah!
Whoa!
lntimidating, isn't she?
CindereIIa: This might get
a little bumpy, Your Highness.
Vladimir: l certainly hope so.
Whoo-hoo!
( yelps )
( grunts )
VIadimir:
Whoa-aa!
( laughs )
Okay, amigos.
- ( Captain gasps )
- ( Felicity growls )
What are y'all doing here,
you big dummies?
- ( bird squawking )
- Huh?
( yells )
( all shouting )
- Melody: What the heck?
- Harmony: IncredibIe!
( bell rings )
So what's your pleasure,
Your Highness?
Mmm,
a shot of cactus juice.
Make it a double.
First mate: Your attention, please.
May l have your attention, please?
This is a kidnapping.
Cooperate and no one will be hurt.
CindereIIa:
Except you.
Hey.
Oh!
The duchess!
The duchess!
- ( slaps )
- Oh!
Ha ha, amazing.
Truly remarkable.
Ugh!
( laughs )
Oh!
My dear man,
if you want a dance with me,
you'll have to be
a lot more sophisticated than this.
Perhaps-- whoo!
Put down my mother. Ah!
Right-- whew.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
( laughs )
Harmony:
That's it, Ma! Watch out.
You got it, Ma!
No, left, Ma.
Go Ieft.
- ( gasps )
- Get out of the way.
Oh, oh,
this is so much fun!
Oh, Vladimir,
this is fantastic.
lt reminds me
of the days of my youth.
Stay right there, Mother.
You'll be fine.
- Vladimir?
- Yes?
You're never going to forgive me.
Oh, those horrid cards.
Come to the point, Mother.
l made a huge mistake--
an enormous mistake.
So did I.
l fell in love.
You did?
ls she here?
l want to see her.
There, with the chair.
Hyah!
Howdy.
- Ah!
- Hey.
- Cinderella: Ahh!
- Please, l don't have time for you now.
Bunch of bumpkins!
- Ow.
- ( turkey gobbling )
Wait a minute.
Why are you here?
- ( jackaI howIing )
- Oh, bison's horns!
I forgot to teII her
that the magic stops working
at the twelfth cry
of the jackaI.
Hey, what's happening
to me?
Oh, that rotten little shaman
and his two-bit magic.
( grunts )
- ( groans )
- Whoa!
No!
Please let me go.
You should know that l love
fine clothes,
jewels and refinements,
but that goes without saying.
Oh!
( both grunting )
- Ah!
- Felicity: Good job, my girl.
( grunts )
( groans )
Who let these lowlifes in?
- ( all shouting )
- Vladimir: Wait, Mother.
- Stop them. They've got my mother.
- Pirates: We gotta get out of here!
Hey, come back here!
Y'all follow me.
Mother!
( rifle cocking )
Give me back my royals
or l'll pulverize you!
( rapid gunfire )
( pirates yelping )
We must go after them.
There must be some way we can
stop them and get my mother back.
( grunts )
Take him to my place.
Felicity, you've gone
too far this time.
As an officer of honest folks'
good night's sIeep,
l must remind you of the laws
pertaining to unruIy noises.
( puffs )
Okay.
( Vladimir sighing )
( twangs )
( murmurs )
My princess...
Well, it looks like our young
prince here is gonna Iive.
My princess!
l have to go save my princess.
( laughs )
l'm afraid you can't,
'cause you're getting married tomorrow.
He's cute, ain't he?
Vladimir:
l'm getting married tomorrow?
ls that some kind of joke?
Nah, you're ours, baby.
l won you at cards.
( crashes )
Cards?
Mother,
what have you done?
Um, l like sports, animals,
hiking in the woods,
and getting caught
in a summer rain.
Oh, you know what l like?
l like goin' shopping,
real loud country music,
and cuddling by the fire.
( giggles )
This is just
one big nightmare.
l'm sorry, sweet ladies,
but my heart is already taken
by a mysterious beauty.
l'll marry the one
who lost this tooth for me.
MeIody:
He's into teeth?
But my most pressing need
right now
is to go save my mother and--
Hush, my prince.
- We're all one big family now.
- ( grunts )
You'll catch on.
We already love you.
- ( birds squawking )
- First mate: Amigos!
( all applauding )
Gracias, gracias.
Muchas gracias.
Duchess:
Vladimir? Vladimir?
( all laughing )
( rattling )
( gasps )
Oh!
Oh ho ho! Traveling under
these horrible conditions!
This had better be
worth it, gentlemen.
Uh...
the woman
with sickly, pale skin
wears big, beautifuI stones
that shine just like diamonds.
( Iaughs )
That's because they are diamonds.
You poor, ignorant miscreant
little clown.
( all laughing )
Dark Lopez will scalp your wig
and read the weather report
with your intestines.
( growls )
What's wrong with you people?
You're embarrassing me.
What do l need louts
like you for?
You're all savages.
( grunts )
Ah, my lady Duchess.
( laughs )
With whom
do l have the honor?
Capitn Barbazul.
But my friends call me jefe.
Oh ha ha!
You remind me of a distant cousin, sir--
- admiral of the lmperial Fleet.
- Ho ho ho! My dear Duchess,
we've barely met each other
and we're already exchanging
compIiments.
He was a drunk--
a disgrace to the family.
( all laughing )
You are ticklish
like a small bubble of champagne.
Allow me to accompany you
to your quarters. This way.
Why, yes, of course.
l was beginning to worry.
( rattling, squeaks )
Where is the other haIf
of my business, you idiot?
- Where is the prince?
- Mi capitn...
there was a little bit
of a complication.
A complication?
Ah.
Another blow from that damn Big Storm
and his irritating IittIe pest.
No, jefe.
They were there this time.
And as I toId you,
he's not called
Big Storm, jefe, but--
( gags )
he's called Little Cloud. Oh!
Duchess:
l'm waiting!
l am all yours, lady Duchess.
( laughs )
I want him,
you hear me?
lf not, you'll be eating sand
for the rest of eternity.
- ( grunts )
- ( moaning )
Oh, what a waste.
lt was a brand-new one.
Vladimir:
lt's simple.
You set me free, I don't marry anyone,
and you keep the ladies for yourselves.
Everyone wins.
Got it?
- Bob?
- Uh, not really.
Well, hmm...
What is that thing?
Uh, a violin.
- Huh?
- Uh, a musical instrument.
No?
Uh, a piece of wood.
Oh.
( plays lullaby )
( Bob smacking lips )
- ( music continues )
- l'm the one he wants.
- No.
- ( Melody snoring )
l'm the one.
l'm gonna have to remember
to get rid
of that stupid guitar.
Can't be putting up
with that every day.
Cinderella: We can't just
leave him there like that.
Little Cloud:
Whoa.
A squaw in Iove
is more careless
than a bIind chick
on the edge of a canyon.
- lf you say l'm in love one more time--
- ( chuckIes )
It's beside the point.
l'd do this for anybody.
( lullaby continues )
lf you're thinking he'll remember you,
then you might as weII forget it.
l don't care if he remembers me.
l am what l am.
So you don't want
to get married after all?
( laughs )
He's just kidding.
We'd better get a move on.
We can't stay here.
You?
Oh, it's just you.
- Good to see you too.
- Sorry. l took you for someone else--
- a young Iady.
- You trying to say l'm not one?
No, what l'm trying
to say is...
there was a young woman.
And never mind.
Okay, enough with all
the papoose taIk.
Look, we must
leave this place quickly
if you want to find
old "Squaw Feathers."
- He means your mother.
- Mm-hmm.
( dog barking )
"This is the reason why,
by this certified document,
I hereby officiaIIy appoint Capitn
lgnatius Lopez Santamaria Barbazul"--
that's me--
"as sole inheritor of my lands,
properties and related structures..."
Humph.
( groaning, sighs )
- Eh!
- ( snake rattles )
"...complete fortune
and all related merchandise therein."
- ( groans )
- Uh-oh.
There, all it needs
is your signature now.
Oh, l see.
And afterward,
what, may l ask,
do you intend to do
with me?
Afterwards?
Uh, Duchess, afterwards...
l'm afraid once we're finished,
I must kiII you.
( gasps )
No, really?
Please understand,
it is rather difficult
to inherit from someone
who is stiII aIive.
The paperwork alone
would be overwhelming.
Oh oh oh!
You pretend to be tough,
but my intuition says otherwise.
I know--
let's play a few hands, shall we?
( grumbling )
Let my rattlers
take care of her, jefe.
- ( snakes rattle )
- She'll sign that before sunrise.
- Oh oh oh!
- Silencio!
- Duchess?
- ( moans )
Duchess, it's a priviIege to have
someone of your stature aboard.
l will agree to postpone
your signing
out of respect
for your royal person-ness.
Oh, you are too kind.
Tell me, sir, would you please ask
your manservant there
to fetch me a nice pot
of sarsaparilla?
( groans )
His manservant?
l am Dark Lopez the Bandit!
Son of Carbon XlV the Nefarious!
- l have--
- You heard what the lady said.
Go and find her
some sarsaparilla.
Go to Hades and back
if necessary.
( violin whines )
Helping a stranger
like you're doing with me--
it's so rare.
- lt's-- it's magical. Oh!
- ( ostrich moans )
I reaIIy don't want
to seem ungrateful, old man,
but couId you possibIy
give me back my violin?
- No.
- Okay. l see.
( violin whines )
Could you please play
a little more gently then?
- It's fragiIe.
- ( scraping )
- ( ostrich honks )
- Ahh!
( laughs )
F-sharp is always a little bit
awkward for me.
l'm happy to entertain,
but my heart's
not really into it.
No, my mother has been abducted
by dangerous, IawIess bandits,
and I myseIf bareIy escaped
the horror of a shotgun marriage
aII to be stuck out here
in the middle of nowhere
with a tone-deaf lndian
and a pigtailed cowgirl.
What?
Did he say "pigtailed cowgirl"?
Ah, sorry, I seem to have
forgotten myself. lt's the stress.
We pull him from Felicity's claws,
offer to save his mother,
and this is the thanks we get?
The sign of the scorpion
never touches the royal pony.
Or is it the sign of the horse?
l can never remember.
WeII, if he thinks he's so cIever,
he can go save his duchess by himself.
- Chicken!
- Chicken?
My ancestors were proud conquerors.
I Iaugh at the smeII of danger.
( laughs )
Without question, Cinderella,
your prince has cIass.
He's not my prince.
( Bobs snoring )
Uh...
Oh, my prince!
( grunting )
Where's my prince?
Make me forget that l should
smash you both like the bugs you are.
We'll find him, my darlings.
He's our son,
our sweet cream icing,
our hot cherry turnover.
Heads up, Ma!
- Should we go left or right?
- Straight ahead!
- ( grunts )
- ( girls scream )
Come on, gallop faster,
you overgrown imbeciles!
( laughing dumbly )
( violin whines )
- ( ostrich groans )
- ( grunts )
( grunts )
This animaI
is just unmanageable.
Sometimes the F-sharp
is a little bit awkward.
Need a hand, Prince?
Ah.
Uh, thank you, Cinderella.
LittIe CIoud,
could you please stop playing?
You're torturing my poor ostrich.
Can't you see that?
Oh, brother, here you go.
lt's a Stradivarius knockoff
made from really cheap wood,
if you ask me.
( chuckIes )
Strings made in the South Pole.
Your violin is a piece of dung.
lf you please, old man, l do not intend
to discuss this with you, aII right?
Your violin looks like a drum.
Little Cloud is quite unique.
You've known him a long time,
l gather?
Since forever.
He's my guardian.
Mmm. lt's important to have friends
you can reIy on.
So do you have a sweetheart?
Um, well, l don't know.
That'II depend
on a lot of things.
Ah, it seems l've hit
a sore spot.
( distant squawking )
Whoa.
This looks like a perfect place
for us to rest for the night
before we head into Barbazul's
territory.
And l hope the soothing darkness
of night
wiII give some courage
to my little Blind Chick.
BIind Chick
is your nickname?
- Why? Got a problem with that?
- Not at all.
A blind chick is very cute
and quite easy to catch.
Duchess:
Ah! Full house.
( groans )
The fates are against me.
First it's that Mad Storm
and his annoying little pest.
And now a duchess
who aIways wins!
Oh ho ho ho!
They say unlucky at cards
means Iucky in Iove.
( footsteps approaching )
This isn't what l usually eat.
What is it?
l gave your manservant a recipe
for a fine omeIet.
It's made
Princess-of-Tuscany style.
An omelet?
Ha, my lady Duchess, it's a marvel!
A triumph!
lt's a total catastrophe.
You put too much
nutmeg in it.
That's right!
There's way too much nutmeg in this.
What were you thinking,
you imbeciIe?
Don't you even know
how to make a simple omelet?
Start over! Go on!
HonestIy, I just don't know
what to do with him anymore.
Perhaps you might try
imposing a IittIe...
hard-nosed discipline.
- ( thumping )
- Ahh!
( groans )
( laughs )
- How was that, huh?
- Not bad.
I think perhaps
a little bit too nice.
Too nice?!
We'll see how nice l am
when l lay my hands on your son,
Duchess.
lt'll be your signature on the paper
or his head in my hand.
And we'll see
if you think l'm nice then.
Oh ho ho ho ho!
My son?
But my dear friend,
my son will cut you to pieces.
Bring the next dish!
( groans )
Vulture sashimi
filleted and cold-wrapped,
in fresh-cut green beans picked
from the garden this very morning.
( snarls )
( gulps )
LittIe CIoud,
l congratulate you.
This little impromptu shish kabab
is wonderfuI.
Oh, yes, my friend. Country rats
are always better than city ones.
- Ugh!
- ( Cinderella laughs )
Beautiful night.
MoonIight is ideaI
for opening hearts.
- You think?
- Yes, l do.
Don't you worry, Prince.
We will get
your mother back.
I'm not too worried.
l've got one feisty mother.
It's reaIIy those bandits
who should be worried.
Then what's
eating you, huh?
Oh, weII,
l guess l can tell you.
Last night at the ball,
I had a reveIation.
Uh, what do you mean?
Last night l fell, Cinderella--
fell in love
with a girl so beautiful
she makes the stars blush.
Everything about her
exudes feminine perfection,
incomparabIe grace--
charming and quite slim.
A bit like you, really,
except she's--
Oh, you should have
seen her in action.
Speaking of which-- ha ha--
this is her tooth.
She lost it while bravely fighting
the intruders by my side.
And afterwards, she disappeared.
- Um, about the tooth...
- Yes?
A lifelong commitment
because of a tooth--
does that really make sense?
Well, it's not glamorous, but...
Well, forget your toothless princess.
There are Iots of princesses,
- some of them pigtailed.
- l love pigtails.
Hey, Vladimir, look around you
with your heart.
( laughs )
Are you talking about you?
No, l'm talking about Felicity--
a huge princess
and no pigtails.
Excuse me, Cinderella.
You're so nice.
l mean it.
( violin playing )
Hmm, l smell bad vibes.
l don't think he's into
pigtaiIed cowgirIs.
'Night.
- ( music continues )
- Felicity: Cinderella.
( girls sobbing )
Smoke that
little vermin good.
Oh, this music
is so romantic.
- What are you waiting for?
- ( sobbing )
l can't do it...
because of the prince's
piece of wood.
Oh, give me that,
you idiot.
( bullets whistle )
CindereIIa:
Take cover!
Get in the wagon.
We'll crush 'em with it.
lt'll be cleaner that way.
lt is said that where
the bear can slip through,
the tiny mouse cannot.
No, wait, it's the opposite.
Anyway, follow me!
So what do tiny mice do now?
l'm not really sure.
l should consult my peace pipe
when l can.
Any bright ideas,
Your Serene Highness?
Uh, parry and thrust,
charge with gusto?
- I am stiII thinking.
- Okay, so it's up to me.
You two keep going!
Hey, Felicity, did you lose your prince?
Too bad!
Guess he didn't want a big bag
of mashed potatoes like you
- for a mother-in-law!
- ( grunts )
- ( bomb whistling )
- Hyah!
( gasps )
Cinderella really dressed you down, Ma.
That's just not right.
Get her!
Get that little vermin!
( growIs )
- ldiots, can't you go any faster?
- Both: Yeah!
- Felicity: Hey! Ah-hh!
- ( gunfire rattIing )
Let's fall back now!
( grunting )
Hey, stop!
You hear me? Stop!
( grunts )
What are you doing?
All right, make music!
- ( vioIin scrapes )
- ( Cinderella grunts )
( all yell )
( Little Cloud laughing )
Like l keep saying,
F-sharp is aIways
a little bit awkward.
( laughs )
( Harmony grunting )
( Felicity yelling )
CindereIIa!
( grunts )
- Ah-hh!
- Ah!
That was great.
Very tasty.
Ah, it's pretty good,
this sarsaparilla.
- The duchess knows her stuff.
- Yeah.
- This is fair trade, no?
- DefiniteIy.
( whispering )
Barbazul's men are close by.
We must be cautious as the beaver
and silent as the earthworm.
Doo doo doo doo!
My, it's truly magnificent here.
Or as my princess
would say, "Wow!"
Hey, what is it, champ?
You see something over there?
Never speak again
unless you want to get us all shot.
And enough about that princess.
It's getting reaIIy oId.
- Pardon?
- "Wow!"
- Your princess sounds ridiculous.
- Listen, I wiII not permit you to--
Shh.
Silent as the earthworm, remember?
Do you hear that, Little Cloud?
And where was your little dancer
when FeIicity
was putting her claws into you?
And who was saving your skin
making you shut up
when you were screaming like some
Iunatic when you needed to be siI--
Silent as the worm.
And cautious as the beaver.
( birds singing )
( squawking )
Hyah!
Little Cloud:
Hide! Quickly as you can!
Cinderella:
Hyah!
Oof!
Argh!
Hey, Cinderella!
( screeching )
( garbled shouting )
( fly buzzing )
Okay...
Okay.
- Okay.
- Huh?
Everybody do
as the old shaman does.
Okay, come along now.
( grunts )
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go!
And now we go.
( grunts )
Come on, Prince.
Let's go.
Thanks, little cowgirl.
Aw, forget it,
Prince Blah-Blah Whatever.
Hey!
Look over there.
lt's a big cave.
Let's go.
( humming )
Hey, can't you ever
stop goofing off?
- ( grunts )
- ( gasps )
( rumbles )
( bird squawking )
Follow the old shaman. Hurry!
( Little Cloud laughing )
( grunting )
Ah!
Ooh-ow!
That's prickly.
Hey, Ma, can we
take a breather?
Nah! We ain't stopping
till we find our little prince
and the filthy vermin
who helped him.
Hope that heat didn't get him
and bake his brain.
Those fools should have never
Iet him out of that room
without his little hat.
- ( grunts )
- Move it, you big ugly beast!
( Bob laughs )
This is for you, Cinderella.
Why have you helped me
like this, Cinderella,
with all the risks
and dangers involved?
What do you think?
l don't know.
You're kind of an angel--
an angeI
fallen from heaven.
- Cinderella?
- Yes?
- Would you smile for me?
- What for?
Because l need to know.
And if for once you say that me,
Cinderella,
- am this princess of your dreams--
- Huh?
No more lovey-dovey talk!
We've got a probIem.
We'll soon be leaving
the beIIy of the earth
and not in a good way.
Hang on!
( all shouting )
Hold on like a mouse
to a baby's skuII!
( both screaming )
( squawking )
( Cinderella grunts )
WeII, then,
considering where l am,
it seems the great shaman's journey
ends here.
( bird squawks )
Bueno!
Jefe will be very happy
when I bring to him
this excellent news.
Ow! Ah, jefe!
lf you would just listen--
Disturbing me while l'm making
macaroons for the duchess.
l ought to hang you.
But, jefe, on the deck!
Look, you'll see!
l was right in the middle of preparing
the custard-- the most important part.
- Ahh!
- ( grunts )
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Bueno!
Now we can finally get down
to the business at hand.
( laughs )
Go and get the duchess.
Yi-ii!
Here is your sombrero, jefe.
- Oh! Madre de Dios!
- ( garbled groaning )
I toId you to never
let that little pest on board.
Now that she's here,
Big Storm can't be far away.
Not Big Storm, jefe.
His name is Little--
Ah!
Welcome. We've been
impatiently waiting for you.
l'm so glad to see you
aboard my ship.
- You are too kind.
- ( Cinderella grunts )
Ah!
How l hate that infuriating little pest.
Tie her up right away!
You may wish to be
a bit more respectful to her.
She might summon
Big Storm after aII.
Believe me,
that would be a bad idea.
Vladimir!
You've finally come!
Just in time to have tea.
Well, not exactly a proper tea,
since someone
who will remain nameless
walked away and didn't finish
making the macaroons!
( laughs )
Lady Duchess,
that no longer matters,
for l regret to inform you
that teatime has been canceled.
Mother,
you are incomparable.
Oh!
l see you've brought someone along
to keep you company.
Now who is this charming
little pigtailed cowgirl?
( garbled )
Jeez, it must run in the family.
- Her name is Cinderella.
- Hmm, she's a big pest.
Thanks to her, we're here.
You have no idea the many dangers
her and l have faced
together.
Why didn't you call us?
We would have rushed to your aid.
lsn't that right, Barba?
( grunts )
This one to the mast,
secureIy attached
so she can't get away.
Andale!
lf my princess could be here,
she wouId beat
these little bandits up.
CindereIIa:
Hmm hmm hmm !
Enough of this!
The time has come
to sign the paper, Duchess.
Oh ho ho ho ho!
My poor friend,
you actually believe my son
wiII Iet you do that?
( laughs )
( grunts )
Ah! WeII,
unfortunately, Mother,
l just might disappoint you
this time.
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Listen to me, Duchess,
on this ship, when you dive,
you do not return aIive.
Oh, l see.
You're making threats now?
l am so disappointed in you.
l mean, really now.
l never imagined so petty.
( growls )
- ( cannon blasts )
- Whoa ho! Ahh!
Whoa-ah!
Whoa-aa!
Everyone to your stations.
Prepare for combat, on the double!
( Cinderella moaning )
- ( cannonfire blasting )
- Mmm !
( ship creaking )
( birds squawking )
Be sure not to do anything
to my prince, you idiot.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
( rumbling )
( moaning )
Felicity, you little witch!
Get them immediately!
Make macaroons of them. Hurry!
( cannonfire blasting )
( ship creaking )
Duchess:
Oh!
Jefe, we are done for!
Keep bailing,
you useless bunch of idiots!
You're worthless.
l'm so sorry, jefe.
l'll go grab your Parmesan.
- And l will go get the nutmeg.
- Jefe? Jefe?
We are out of sarsaparilla.
( Duchess laughing )
Hyah!
( grunting )
Barbazul:
Deserters! Cowards! Sheep!
Get back here!
How dare you abandon ship
right in the middle of a battle?
l'll skin
every one of you alive!
Excuse me, but l believe
I can definiteIy say
with a boldness that even
amazes me
that you wiII not be
skinning anyone alive.
( grunts )
Bueno, then l'll have to settle
for shortening your line of succession.
Do not worry, my princess.
l'm coming.
- Hyah!
- Ha ha.
You can try to escape,
but that's not going to happen.
l'm going to cut you into pieces!
( grunts )
Then l'm going to feed you
to the fishes!
Ha ha! Got you.
You know,
just between you and me,
l prefer you
to the one at the ball.
( Cinderella grunts )
l'm gonna take you apart!
Oh!
l'll squash you...
like a tiny little bug!
( grunts )
Oof!
Believe me, l know Vladimir.
There are some looks that cannot lie.
Mother, please,
it's very hard to concentrate
with you talking on incessantly.
S. I am sorry,
but l must agree.
What l am doing here
is muy importante.
Excuse me, my dears.
Carry on. We'll just watch.
- ( grunting )
- ( laughing )
- Huh? Huh?
- Ahh!
Ol!
( Harmony moans )
Ahh!
- Huh?
- ( blasts )
Duchess:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh!
- ( grunts )
( garbIed )
Ah, no, no, no!
Oh!
Thank you.
Enough of all this kidding around.
Duchess, you must sign now.
You sound Iike a broken record.
lt's getting quite tiresome, you know.
No offense, but l really think
you should strongly consider
- a new line of work.
- ( grunts )
Oh! What is happening?
But then again,
who am l to say?
- You certainly are original.
- ( Barbazul grunting )
Thank you again
for being so decisive,
but about this tooth l have--
can l please have a smile?
- You never give up, do you?
- ( gunfire popping )
l'm wondering,
Your Grace...
Your girlfriends
were missing you.
You didn't feeI
welcome enough with us,
so you decided
to see the country?
Right, we certainly do have
a lot to talk about.
But for the moment,
this vessel is sinking,
so it's not really the time or--
Wrong! We'll pick things up
right where we Ieft off.
Now you're aII ours.
Bring me the captain.
FeIicity:
And you, nasty little beast,
wait till you see what l have
in store for you.
- Right, darIings?
- Yeah, it's gonna be the best.
First up, we're gonna scratch your eyes
right out of your head.
Second, we're gonna cut off
one of your Iegs.
It'II be too funny
to see you limping.
And third, we're not sure,
but we'll think of something.
( grunting )
Ah!
( grunts )
FeIicity:
Come on!
( laughs )
But, Felicity, there must be
some kind of misunderstanding.
CIam up!
You're the captain, right?
You can marry people, right?
So marry us.
Both:
Uh, yeah!
But this is crazy, Ma.
He's mine, girls.
lt's my turn.
l'm gonna be a princess.
Y'all hear me?
Maybe we'll make you two
a IittIe brother.
Right, Prince?
Well, l am certainly honored by your
proposaI, but I reaIIy don't think so.
What are you waiting for?
Get on with it.
We are gathered here together
to celebrate the marriage--
Skip that.
Prince, do you take Felicity here
as your IawfuI--
- No!
- Bobs: Yeah, yeah!
They said yes. Move on.
FeIicity, do you take
this Prince Vladimir here
to be your lawful wedded husband
tiII death do you part?
- Cinderella: Bon voyage.
- Duchess: Oh!
My Barbazul!
( cracking )
- ( ship rumbling )
- ( all moaning )
Whoa!
FeIicity:
Help me! l can't get up! Help!
Mother, watch out.
( Cinderella grunting )
Hold on.
Grab my hand.
Don't go near him,
you IittIe monster.
l won him fair.
He's mine.
- Prince!
- Just give me your hand.
Come on.
( grunts )
Major heads up, Ma!
Super major heads up, Ma!
My prince!
You're supposed to be mine.
l was gonna cook for you.
Daughters:
Ma!
- Harmony: Ma!
- Melody: Help me!
( nervous laughter )
- Not afraid?
- Afraid?
Both:
Ha ha! Whoo!
( creaking )
l do not want to rush you, but--
Duchess:
Oh! Who's that strange person?
ls he a friend of yours?
Yeah, it's Little Cloud.
Yeah, the return
of the great shaman, at your service.
Hop on!
Hurry, come on.
You mean we're going
without jefe Barbazul?
And who is this strangely dressed,
smelly old man?
Whoa. Even a flower must wait
for the rain to bathe.
Oh! No offense.
( boat creaking )
- The tooth!
- Cinderella: The tooth?
Please come on!
Oh, of all the stupid
wiId-goose chases.
- Go on.
- No.
When the mother hen sees
the fragiIe chick in danger,
does she Ieave,
or does she stay?
Exactly!
Mother hen is really cheeky!
( coughing )
( fire crackling )
Would you stop?
This is pointless.
lt's me.
l've known that for a while.
I thought you'd Iike
to have all your teeth
to eat our wedding cake.
( sizzling )
- Little Cloud: Oh oh oh!
- Vladimir!
Oh, Cinderella.
Yee-hah!
Duchess: You're a tyrant!
A rogue assassin.
You almost made me fall over
and die of grief!
Ah, finally, Prince,
l'll be your princess.
Oh ho!
( spits )
( both laugh )
LittIe CIoud:
Now, many moons have passed.
People have erased Felicity
from their memories,
and life has returned
to its natural course.
As for Cinderella,
l think she's found
her Prince Charming.
Nice guy--
horrible musician, but nice.
And l kept my promise.
As for the little ones, they'll just
have to get along without me.
- ( steam hissing )
- ( bell ringing )
( whistle squealing )
l'm afraid l'm not one
for long goodbyes.
l hope they won't be
too angry.
( violin scrapes )
( ostrich grunts )
Eh.
( chuckles )
But what is certain--
l will miss them both.
( train whistle squeals )
( mariachi music playing )
Ho. Oh...
What horrid cards.
And presto! Oh!
Ah, my dear Duchess,
it is a pleasure to see you again.
Oh!
Jefe Barbazul!
Ha. Why don't we talk
a little business?
Oh! Oh-hh!
( grunts )
What is it? What's wrong, my dear?
Speak to me.
Santa Mara, Madre de Dios!
Oh! I'm such
a horrible monster.
Such a mindless brute.
Oh, my Duchess, please,
you can't do this to me.
l've gone through sand and fire
to find you once again.
l-- l think of you every second
of the day.
Who cares
about that ridiculous will?
It's-- it's you
that l really want.
Santa Mara!
Madre de Dios!
Quickly,
bring me the salts,
some ammonia
and sarsaparilla!
Un, dos, tres...
( singing in Spanish )