Clawfoot (2023) Movie Script
1
[WATER RUNNING]
[]
[]
[SCRUBBING FLOOR]
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
[]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, we're-- We're doing this
through the window?
Uh, it's okay.
I'm not offended.
I'm sorry, what do you want?
Oh, God, good question.
We're not doing
any construction.
LEO:
Well, that's strange.
I-- I have an order here
for 435 Westmont.
It says bathroom renovation.
Can't see it.
LEO:
I already got
the bathtub unloaded.
Just need access
to the master bathroom.
[UNLOCKS DOOR]
There she is.
That is your husband's
signature at the bottom, right?
I suppose it is.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I don't think either of us
want to waste all day
going back and forth
behind a door now, do we?
Listen, now is not a good time.
My husband will call
and reschedule
whatever it is he has planned.
Well, he planned a whole
new renovation for you.
Marble Jack and Jill sinks,
heated floors,
one of them mirrors you talk to,
oh, and a big old clawfoot tub
I got in the driveway.
I like our tub.
Well, he says it's time
for something new.
Do you want to call
your husband?
My husband?
LEO: You know what?
I'll give him a call myself.
555-8712, right?
[PHONE LINE RINGS]
EVAN [ON VOICE MAIL]:
Hello, it's Evan.
You know what to do.
[CHUCKLES]
No answer.
I feel like he would have
made mention of this.
Well, do you want to call him?
Maybe he'll pick up for you.
No, he probably won't answer.
Not even for you. Why is that?
He's on a flight for work.
Well, maybe it's a surprise.
I mean,
what woman doesn't want
a romantic clawfoot tub
for her anniversary?
When's your birthday?
Not for another month.
Well, it's definitely gonna take
around a month to finish,
so that must be it.
Look, I don't mean to be rude,
but the faster
I get this started,
the faster I get out
of your hair.
It's getting a bit embarrassing
waiting out here.
I mean, you're starting to seem
like you don't trust me.
Look, I get it.
You don't want me in your house.
I mean, I get it all the time.
Shabby clothes, rough hands.
It's not that.
Well, look, if it makes you
feel more comfortable,
I'll just wait in your driveway
until I get a hold
of your husband.
[SIGHS]
[]
Master bathroom?
I bet you guys redo your house
every year or so.
A lot of folks with everything
get real bored.
Put some new floors in.
Put in some fresh landscaping.
Redo the kitchen.
Maybe a new bathroom.
Come up with some new ways
to spend your money.
Wow, lots of room up here.
Oh, look. Look at that.
Is that a real painting?
Not even a print.
I bet that's expensive.
You look like you have
all these people,
you know, throwing orgies,
swapping wives.
Ooh, comfy bed.
Love the vibe in here.
Very chic. You know,
they just do that thrill.
You know what I'm saying?
I can see why
he wanted a clawfoot.
I designed the tub area
all by myself.
Hmm. I can tell.
[TOOLS CLANGS]
[]
Do you want to put
a shock collar on me?
Make sure I don't
wander off?
I'll be downstairs.
If you need anything.
[LEO WHISTLES]
LEO:
Ice-cold, ice-cold
Ice-cold, ice-cold, ice-cold
[LEO WHISTLES]
[]
[HAMMERING]
[LEO CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
LEO: "Ah, how hard a thing
it is to tell
"what a wild, and rough,
and stubborn wood this is.
Which, I thought,
renews the fear--"
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm just perusing
your husband's library.
Uh, I don't have
any water downstairs.
LEO:
Well, of course, you don't.
Sammy turned it off.
Hey, Sammy.
Yes, boss?
It's a messy job.
Hate to get
our work clothes dirty.
Whoa. You got a nice BMI.
Body mass index.
I'm all about nutrition,
you see.
Food is flesh fuel.
Right, boss?
That's right.
Oh, this here's my handyman.
A handyman's handyman,
if you will.
I call him in when the job's
just too big for one man.
Sammy's the best there is.
He's-- He's like
a brother to me.
He always gets the job done.
SAMUEL:
What was your name?
Mrs. Lawthur.
Cool.
Nice to meet you.
And you get your clawfoot tub
just a little bit sooner.
I like our tub. The water?
Well, like your husband said,
it's time for something new.
Right. So I need water to cook.
Well, you imagine cutting
through pipes
with water running
through them.
Lots of flooding.
Big problems.
Well, I'm making Bolognese,
and I need water to cook
today, and I was--
SAMUEL: Bolognese?
LEO: Sammy, did you hear that?
Bolognese!
SAMUEL: A lot of calories, boss.
Italian man, myself.
Leonardo IV at your service.
But everyone calls me "Leo"
because I'm my own man.
Ain't that right, Sammy?
SAMUEL:
That's right, boss.
I gathered. The water?
Well, you don't need water
to cook Bolognese.
Excuse me?
LEO: Whole milk, chicken stock,
and if it looks
a little parched,
just a dash of dry white wine.
Well, that's not
how my husband likes it.
LEO:
Oh, he's coming back?
Lovely.
I'd love to chat with him.
No, but that's just not
how I make it.
That is how it should be made.
Hey, Sammy.
SAMUEL: Yeah, boss?
Take over while I assist
the lady of the house.
No.
I insist that you do not.
Oh, I insist.
Would you just put on a shirt,
please?
Sure.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss.
Can you get me
some of that Bolognese, yeah?
LEO: Yeah.
Just a taste.
Yeah.
You didn't put the meat in yet?
I was going to, but I realized
the water was out,
so I went upstairs to you first.
And you're gonna use
fresh tomatoes?
I know that's not normally
the recipe,
but I prefer it to the cans
of tomato sauce.
Cans of tomato sauce?
What planet are you on?
You're supposed to use
a third cup of tomato paste.
Your acids are gonna
be all messed up.
You gotta just throw the meat
in right now.
What you should have done
is browned the meat
in the pot first.
But you know,
what are you going to do?
Wow. It's pretty
good-looking meat.
Pretty pricey.
Twenty dollars a pound?
Where'd you get it?
The market on Farrelly.
Farrelly. Farrelly.
Yeah, you know what?
I think I know the place.
They wouldn't let a guy like me
in the door, though.
That's not true.
There are plenty of people
like yourself that shop there.
Like myself?
Yes.
Working men.
A working man. Hmm.
Open the lid on that.
[SIZZLING]
Not so hot for a working man.
That your garage?
Yes.
I bet you got some pretty
nice things in there.
Oh?
Well, you know,
you've got such
a nice setup here.
Huge house. Beautiful pool.
Lots of privacy.
I mean, such a big space.
Just a couple?
No kids?
No. Not yet.
Not yet?
Can't wait too long.
I mean, a woman of your age.
Do you have children, Leo?
[CHUCKLES] No.
But when I find the right woman,
I'll make it happen.
I always
get the job done.
Guess that makes me
a working man.
Thank you for your help.
I'm sure Samuel probably needs
it a lot more than I do.
Hmm, maybe.
I'm sure he's fine.
When did you say the water
would be back on?
Oh, any time,
any time now.
[SLURPS]
[WATER RUNNING]
Say, think I can get
a glass of that?
Fine.
Oh, and for Samuel too.
[]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[THUDS]
LEO:
Something matter?
Very kind of you.
Good hostess you are.
You know, when your husband
gets back into town,
I'll be sure
to let him know.
Thanks.
[LEO WHISTLES]
LEO:
Ice-cold, ice-cold
[SIGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Tasha, I completely forgot
about our yoga date.
Well, the nanny canceled
and Larry's at the office.
So I'm stuck with
little Darren all day.
Please tell me you have wine.
Of course.
TASHA: Okay.
Well, you can go run back, baby.
Go ahead. Bye.
Is Evan home?
[HAMMERING, DRILL WHIRRING]
What is that?
A bathroom remodel?
Evan never mentioned it.
TASHA:
And you just let them in?
Silly, I know.
He's maddeningly strange
and clingy.
I get this feeling like
he's watching me, testing me.
He ruined my Bolognese.
Uh, not the Bolognese.
Warrior.
So you just let them in?
He had the paperwork.
Evan's signature.
Do you know how easy it is
to forge a signature?
It's literally a few squiggles
and a dot.
Thanks for reassuring me.
I have a lawyer's mind.
[SLURPS]
If it were me,
I would have litigated
the entire situation until
they gave up and left.
I think I know
how to protect myself.
Hmm.
[BOTH SLURPING]
There are lots of ways
to protect yourself.
Tree pose. For instance,
when I was back at the firm,
I had a lovely client
whose mother-in-law died
a sudden and excruciating death.
My client was wrongfully
accused in the matter,
but ultimately, I was able
to prove that the mother-in-law
stabbed herself
in the heart.
That's incredible.
It was incredible.
Poor thing just didn't want
to survive anymore.
But what was really incredible
is the trick I learned
to get bloodstains
out of fabric.
Hands heart and center.
[BREATHS DEEPLY]
What is it?
It's Evan.
This morning when I woke up,
Evan was gone.
There was no note.
The suitcases
are still in the closet.
Last night he was quiet,
but that's not
out of the ordinary.
Lately, he's been so tired
when he gets home from work,
I just didn't even think
anything of it.
Well, maybe he just left for
the office early this morning.
Didn't want to wake you up.
I called the office.
Not there.
Called his phone.
What about his car?
It's in the garage.
Another woman?
The handyman
is what's strange.
All of a sudden, Evan disappears
and this guy just shows up.
Mm.
Do you think maybe he hired
the handyman to spy on you
or, like...?
I mean, I'm not saying that.
Who is this handyman?
[LEO CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Mrs. Lawthur, I just wanted
to let you know
we'll be making quite
a bit of noise upstairs.
Thank you for letting me know.
LEO:
My pleasure.
Oh, and in case
you were wondering,
your husband's order
came in last Friday.
Got an email from him directly
along with instructions
and a deposit.
Thank you for letting me know.
LEO:
You girls have fun.
Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
When you start taking
clients again,
you gotta start
taking their calls.
To be honest, I think
this one might have done it,
but maybe his wife
bludgeoned herself to death.
Will you watch Darren for me?
I need to run to my home office.
Hello?
I told you, don't fucking talk
to anyone.
Everything goes through me.
I don't care
what your wife said.
At this point,
you might as well be dead,
'cause without your money,
you're worthless.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[VIOLIN BEING PLAYED]
JANET:
No, no, no, no, no, no.
SAMUEL:
You sound great, dude.
Oh, hey.
That's Evan's violin.
What were you doing
in our closet?
Do you like classical music?
Like quartets?
Or orchestra strings?
Or you know--
Stop it.
What?
You don't like classical music?
I mean, my dad
always used to tell me,
"If you don't like music,
you're crazy."
You have to like
classical music.
What the fuck!
[CHOKES]
[]
What? Now tell me
you like classical music.
Were you going through my stuff?
Me? No, never.
I'm calling your supervisor.
You know, he's pretty busy.
I wouldn't do that.
I memorized the number.
I'm warning you, don't do it.
You-- You're gonna make him mad.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi, this is your manager
speaking.
How may I help you?
I'd like you to get out
of my room.
LEO:
Right in the middle of a job?
I don't think so.
I mean, the hazards?
It's a lawsuit
waiting to happen.
I will call the police.
Really?
I will.
Okay.
And what are you
gonna tell 'em? Hmm?
That your handyman's
fixing the bathroom?
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Okay. Okay.
Hey, Sammy.
SAMUEL: Yeah, boss.
Man, let's go get some lunch,
huh?
SAMUEL: Hmm.
Yeah, lady of the house.
Looks like she's gonna
blow a gasket.
SAMUEL:
Gasket? Isn't that for a car?
Oh, hey, Miss Laufner.
Uh, I found these in the--
In the pipes.
Uh, are these your undies?
I swear I wasn't doing
anything weird or anything.
I just-- I'll just leave them
on the bed.
Bye.
[LEO WHISTLES]
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
EVAN [ON VOICE MAIL]:
Hello, it's Evan.
You know what to do.
[VOICEMAIL BEEPS]
Evan, it's me.
I just wanted to see
if you'd be home for dinner.
Give me a call when you can.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND]
Now, what do we say when a man
tries to get you into the van?
You smack them in the nuts
and take their candy.
Damn straight.
JANET:
Hey!
I thought you said
you were leaving!
I said I was taking a break.
I was giving you alone time
in the house,
if you know
what I'm talking about.
[SCREAMING]
Me and the kid
are just talking, right?
Sharing secrets.
You got any secrets
you want to share, Janet?
I'm taking you home, Darren.
Well, that's totally fine.
Hey, good talking to you, bud.
You know, we're gonna make
a lot of ruckus up there anyway.
Jamming away, in and out,
in and out. Real wet stuff.
Oh, you're missing a ball.
These sets usually come in six,
right?
[]
I'm gonna walk you home.
SAMUEL: Hey, boss.
Where'd Miss Laupner go?
LEO:
Ah, she'll be back.
I'm gonna go check on the pipes
downstairs.
Keep working, all right?
SAMUEL:
You got it, boss.
[SPRAYING]
[]
[WHISTLING]
[SPITS]
[POURS WINE]
TASHA:
Why don't you ask him to leave?
I did. In a way.
I don't understand
how you can be so meek
having a husband
like yours.
What do you mean?
He's just a shark.
Larry told me some stuff
about them closing
the Holyoke account,
and between you and me,
let's just say that I do not
think he will be
jumping at the opportunity
to work with him ever again.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
It's just ugly man stuff,
you know?
[WHISTLING]
I bet you're a good
criminal attorney.
There are good criminals
and there are good attorneys.
A good criminal attorney
is really just a good criminal.
If I didn't know any better,
I would say that
Evan's doing this
on purpose.
Like, to torture you.
I'm kidding. Kind of.
I mean, he was pretty awful
to his other wife.
The one that,
I don't know if you remember,
he did leave for you.
Says a lot
about someone's character.
[]
SAMUEL:
Hello, old friends.
How does she keep that physique
with all this junk food?
Fats, carbs, sugar,
all processed food.
Bye, old friends.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
I'm just feeling really leafy
right now.
Blowing in the wind.
[SHARPENS KNIFE]
That is positively poetic.
I've been thinking about going
back to school
to be a writer.
I just have so much to say.
Tons, really.
This one's a little dull.
[SIGHS]
[BLOWS]
Shall we?
[SIGHS]
Always 5 inches off target.
My instructor thinks
I need glasses.
Do you ever have fantasies?
Oh, yeah.
Larry and I have this one
called "Jellyfish,"
where I wear a huge sun hat
covering my eyes.
And I take a loose foot towel
and I just--
No. Like, bloody, violent,
gory, that type of stuff.
Oh, you just have to ask
if you want
to see my crime scene
photo library.
It's very thrilling.
It's part of the reason
why I still stay in the job.
I've thought about hurting
people in a non-sexual way,
although I don't
even know anymore.
I feel different, Tasha.
I feel rage.
Huh.
Sometimes
while Larry's sleeping,
I hold a pillow
2 inches from his head
just to see if I'll do it.
It's just like
a kookie thing I do.
Larry's never caught you?
Actually,
I think he may have,
because one time, the day after,
I went to the salon, came back,
Darren had a full-time nanny,
and my law degree
was hanging up
in the new office.
Don't think. Just throw.
[SLURPS]
Are you sure you haven't
been seeing my instructor?
I mean, you probably should.
He's absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, Tasha.
What?
I just figured
that Evan would have
you high-heeled
and pregnant by now.
Men like him can smell
perimenopausal
from a mile away.
It's too late.
TASHA: What?
Did Larry ever leave you?
TASHA:
My Larry? Oh, God, no.
His prenup is not strong enough
for that.
I should know. I wrote it.
You did not.
Yep.
That's genius.
It's survival.
Survival.
I wish I spoke to you earlier.
I adore your knives, Tasha.
Thank you.
SAMUEL:
Hey, Miss Lauper.
It's me, Samuel.
Had some free time.
I thought I'd clean your pool.
Hope you don't mind.
What are you doing today?
Oh, that's nice.
I saw you doing some yoga.
I like to do yoga.
Well, maybe...
Maybe we could
go do something sometime.
You look like you have
a lot of nice clothes.
Maybe you'd like
going to the mall?
I used to go hang out
at the mall and steal pretzels.
I don't do that anymore.
You make me want to be
a better man, Miss Lauper.
I don't know what it is,
but every time
you walk in a room,
you just light the place up,
you little firecracker, you.
I hope you don't feel
embarrassed.
I don't.
Anyway.
LEO:
Sammy, where the hell are you?
Come on, man.
We got some work to do.
Let's move!
We gotta get this tub inside.
SAMUEL:
Coming, boss.
TASHA:
Were you and Evan
having issues?
Like, were you
thinking about divorce?
JANET:
No, not at all.
I mean, the normal issues that
everyone has in their marriages,
but nothing that we couldn't
work through willingly.
Right. All I'm saying is that
if you are having issues,
if you need a good lawyer,
let me know.
Because if I know Evan,
I know he would have a plan.
You wouldn't see it coming
and then suddenly you're left
with absolutely nothing after
how many years of marriage?
Eight.
Eight years of marriage,
and then nothing?
I mean, no offense,
but you have absolutely
no marketable skills.
You were his secretary for what?
Six months?
You did a great job, by the way,
but if I
were to give you advice,
I would say wait two years
and get alimony for life.
I waited tables
before I worked for Evan.
Absolutely not.
JANET [SIGHS]:
I should really get back,
make sure they haven't
imploded my bathroom.
LEO:
Ah, 1-1-1-1.
[BEEPS]
Nah.
1-2-3-4.
[BEEPS]
Where do you come up
with all these numbers?
SAMUEL: Ah, dang, how many more
numbers could there be?
What are you doing?
Well, we have
to store the tub
somewhere overnight until
we bring it upstairs tomorrow.
Hey, Miss Laufer.
Great dress. Really suits you.
Just bring the tub upstairs
if you're gonna bring it
inside the house.
See, the problem is,
if we brought the tub up now,
it would fall
right through the floor.
See, we had to rip up
all the tiles
and the subflooring
to get to the plumbing.
Before we bring anything
as heavy as this tub,
we're going to have to lay down
the subfloor
and then do all the tiling.
And how long is that gonna take?
Days, maybe weeks.
Look, we at Carrillo
Construction,
do everything safely.
Are you even a contractor?
Are you legally authorized
to do this type of work?
I can't believe
you'd even ask me that.
Do I not look smart enough
to be a contractor?
JANET:
That's not what I said.
Because I'm not.
I'm a handyman.
Jack of all trades.
Oh, hey, Miss Laufer.
What's your birthday?
Stop that!
Sorry.
LEO:
Look, if you want him to stop,
just open up the garage.
No one is going in the garage.
[SIGHS] Fine. Then we'll just
leave the tub in the driveway.
I'm sure your neighbors
and the HOA would love that.
I will deal with the HOA.
Just leave the tub in the
driveway and turn on my water.
Your wish is my command.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss.
Hmm?
What's HOA?
Homeowners Association, Sammy.
What's that?
LEO: I bet you got some
big-ticket items in there.
Maybe like a classic car, maybe
a two-seater like a Mustang.
Something your husband takes out
on the weekend to feel
the wind in his hair.
JANET: The water?
I wonder what kind of car
is in there. Or is it with him?
Yes.
What?
I thought he was on a flight.
Yes, the car is in the shop.
Huh.
I mean, which one is it, Janet?
Is it in the shop, at the
airport or with your husband?
Don't call me that.
What? Janet?
I prefer that
we keep things formal.
You know, I gotta say,
I didn't expect this from you.
I mean, we have
so much history together.
Making Bolognese,
male bonding with Darren.
I'd like you to turn the water
back on and go.
Is that what you really want?
Yes.
You don't have
to ask me twice.
But I just want to make sure
that's exactly what you want.
Because if I turn this
lever on, right,
you're just gonna have flooding
all through the house.
I mean, there's a lot
of unconnected pipes up there.
Well, how long
is it gonna take
for you to connect
the pipes then?
Hmm. I don't know.
You'll have one hour
to connect the pipes
and then I want my water back on
and I want you to go.
No, you know,
that's not a problem, Janet.
Sorry. Mrs. Lawthur.
At Carrillo Construction,
we aim to please.
[]
[CHOPPING]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAMMERING]
You okay,
Mrs. Lawthur?
See, I--
I don't know what to say.
That hasn't
stopped you yet.
You know,
you're real funny.
You have-- you have
a real sense of humor.
Yes, I'm all jokes.
Just out of patience.
Oh, well, here I am, upstairs,
clanging away at the pipes.
And I hear the music getting
louder, and louder, and louder.
And then I realize you're just
trying to drown me out.
And?
Well, well, I came to apologize.
You did?
Of course.
I mean, I don't want
to be a nuisance, right?
I'm just doing my job.
That's what we do, me and you.
I mean, I fix bathrooms
and you, well, you do this.
I want your home
to be a sanctuary, right?
A place where you feel safe.
I mean, in these days,
with everything going on,
there's some fucking
crazy people out there.
No telling what they'll do.
Like what?
What would they do?
Check this out. I saw this story
the other day, right?
This guy breaks into a home
while the family's sleeping.
He ties 'em up
in the living room.
He takes a box cutter,
cuts all their hair off,
right down to the scalp,
and he shoves it in their mouth.
And then what happened?
Well, then he slits
their throat.
Sits 'em up on the couch.
All of 'em.
TV on while watching
the Game Show Channel.
Right? No rhyme or reason.
I mean, people these days,
it's like they wanna get caught.
It's like, almost
like it's an art form.
I mean, right?
What did I say? What?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Tell me.
Tell me how the razor
sliced through their skin.
What?
[LEO SCREAMS]
[JANET CHUCKLES]
LEO:
Almost like it's an art form.
Huge bloody mess, right?
I mean--
Hey, boss.
I just loaded the truck.
LEO:
Aces.
Oh, water's on.
Check it. Yep, there you go.
Thanks, Sammy.
Yep. Goes on and off.
So you're good.
We'll be back tomorrow
at 10:00 to install your tub.
Bye, Miss Lauper.
Ten a.m.?
Thought you said
we could sleep in tomorrow?
LEO:
Ah, you can sleep
when you're dead, Sammy.
I like my fucking tub.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[]
WOMAN 1 [ON TV]:
Answer me, please.
MAN 1 [ON TV]:
All right, you asked for it.
[PHONE RINGING]
[INDISTINCT TV CHATTER]
[PHONE RINGING CONTINUOUSLY]
Hello?
My husband's away on business
and I'm here all alone.
I think someone's in the house.
I'm at 23, Hill Road.
Hello?
Hello?
[GRUNTS]
I knew you were trouble
when you walked in.
[MAN GRUNTS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE]
[]
LEO: There's a reason
why I hired you.
SAMUEL:
You know what's healthier
than an omelet?
Nothing.
They're the healthiest thing
you can eat.
Except a lot of people
unintentionally add calories
with some of the ingredients
they use,
especially in the United States.
I mean, the ingredients
are just trash.
That's why I like
that you used the veggies,
even though I did suggest it,
because, you know,
they got the minerals, vitamins,
you get your fiber.
You know what would be
good with this?
Oh, dang.
I wish we hadn't eaten already.
Because we could
have added some oats.
But not just any oats.
You don't want the sugary ones.
You want the ones with, like--
Steel-cut.
Steel-cut.
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
Morning, sleepyhead.
I was wondering when
you were gonna get up.
What is going on here?
LEO: Well, we came in
and saw you still sleeping.
So, you know, we came in
and made omelets.
You want some?
We got extra.
How did you get in my house?
LEO:
Well, the door was open.
At least, lock the doors.
I mean, you'd think you'd have
some sort of security.
I did, and I do.
Hmm. That's strange,
because they weren't.
You should probably
get that looked at.
You said you'd be here at 10.
Ten? I'd never say 10.
He'd never say 10.
I mean, hell, the day's already
halfway gone by 10.
I mean, only lazy people
stay in bed till 8 or 9.
I mean-- I mean, it's a sign
of bad upbringing.
Do you mind?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Lawthur.
You know, if I had silk sheets,
I'd sleep in the nude too.
It just feels so good
and cozy on the skin, right?
[]
Hmm. I guess she's not
a morning person.
[]
[HAMMERING]
Sammy?
[CHUCKLES]
Awesome.
What kind of pipes
are those, boss?
Those are cool.
What else have we got to do?
Get the sledgehammer.
The what?
Get the sledgehammer.
We're taking this shit down.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
I really like your hair.
Thank you.
LEO: If it isn't
the mistress of the house.
What's that?
Our bank
and credit card statement.
[CHUCKLES]
That many zeros,
you might as well be speaking
a different language, hon.
What this says is that in no way
in the last two months
has my husband made
any sort of deposit
for a bathroom renovation.
That's what that says
in those words?
Obviously not!
The numbers do not add up,
Mr. Carillo.
Who the fuck's Mr. Carillo?
JANET:
You are!
Huh. Yeah, no, that's not me.
What is this?
[LAUGHS] Oh, that.
I found that.
I just thought
it looked cool.
Just tell me how you came to be
at my house.
Who sent you here?
Like I said, your husband
sent me an email
along with a deposit.
And I'm telling you,
this paperwork says he did not.
Then why don't you go
ask him, then?
Hmm? Still no. Huh.
Guess I'll just give him
another call then.
No.
LEO:
No answer again.
You know, I have a theory.
Bear with me here. My friends
think I'm clairvoyant.
I think that your husband
went to work one day...
just never came home.
And now you sit here
in this big old house alone...
waiting for the other shoe
to drop.
And maybe he had a mistress.
Maybe she's younger than you.
Prettier.
Not that you're not pretty.
Man, your husband,
he's a big businessman.
I see him in the papers
all the time.
So he takes off
with this woman, right?
And now you're wondering,
"What's in it for me?
What do I get?"
So you get a big fat nothing.
That's what you fucking get.
How did you know my husband
drove a Mercedes?
Drove? Past tense.
That's interesting.
I will ask you
one more time.
How did you come
to be at my house?
You let me in, Mrs. Lawthur.
[CHUCKLES] And your husband,
he gave me cash.
Cash?
Yeah.
Showed up personally,
dropped it off to me
in his really nice Mercedes.
No, he wouldn't.
He wouldn't.
I guarantee you, he would not.
I don't know,
rich people like you,
plenty of cash laying around
in this empty house.
You want to know how I know?
JANET:
How?
Well, he's laundering it
through me.
He gave me a couple stacks.
All I had to do was give him
a couple dummy invoices,
claiming he had
paid a lot more for it.
But even after the renovation,
I still come out ahead.
The renovation? That's not...
[SCOFFS]
Oh.
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Oh, wow. I--
I see it now.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I didn't see it.
What? What do you see?
This whole time, I thought Janet
was the little innocent one.
But she's been in on it.
But not on this one.
Oh, now she's wondering what
else has he left her out on.
And now your husband
seems to have disappeared.
He's on a work trip.
A work trip, yeah, sure.
You keep saying that.
A work trip, work trip,
work trip, work trip.
If I didn't know where he was,
I'd probably say the same thing.
Or maybe you do know
where he is.
Either way, it seems like
there's a lot of cash out there
or-- Or in here
That needs to be cleaned.
Hmm, I'm feeling--
Well, I'm feeling kind
of dirty myself.
Oh, you're gonna have
to get used to me, partner.
[]
LEO:
Hey, Sam.
Hey, Samuel.
Hey, Sammy.
Where the fuck's
that sledgehammer?
I need to bring this
wall down ASAP.
Chop, chop.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss. Uh, there's no
sledgehammer out there.
LEO:
Fuck. Maybe we forgot.
We gotta go get it.
JANET:
You're leaving now.
What?
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
Do you have a sledgehammer?
What did I do?
Get out of my house.
The razors?
They slice like butter.
Like I said, you'd better
get used to this face.
You're not in control anymore,
Janet.
[CHUCKLES]
Now I'm gonna give you
a little breather.
Consider your options.
And when I come back
with sledgehammers,
you can tell us
where the money is,
or I rip this fucking
house apart.
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHS]
[PANTS]
LEO:
Come on, Janet!
Come on,
you're being a bad girl.
What's your sign?
See, I'm a Scorpio.
I'll tell you one thing
about Scorpios.
Scorpios, they stink.
[BANGS ON DOOR]
See, I know what you are.
Your birthday's
next month, right?
Yeah, yeah, you're a Pisces.
[LEO LAUGHS]
Pisces are stinkers, Janet!
I'm a doer. I'm a Scorpio.
I'm a doer.
Some people think the Zodiac's
bullshit, right?
I mean, how can
the Zodiac be bullshit
when I'm such a fucking
Scorpio, Janet? Come on.
Come on, Janet.
Come on.
Let me in, please.
I won't hurt you. I promise.
Come on, Janet.
Come on. I'm a calm guy,
but I don't want to stink.
Let's go!
[]
[CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[]
[DOOR CREAKS, SHUTS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[KEYS JINGLES]
[GRUNTS]
Oh... yeah. Yeah, no.
Ouch. Shit.
Oh, okay, cool.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
What the fuck?
[GRUNTS]
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God, thank you.
You've got to get me
out of here, man.
You've got to get me--
She fucking lost it.
She fucking lost it.
I was about to hop in
the fucking shower.
She fucking comes up behind me.
And I fucking-- I wake up
here like this, man.
I fucking wake up here
like this.
What are you doing?
Quick. Come on.
Get me out of here.
I've been here for fucking days.
Get me the fuck out of here.
Leo, hello?
Take this shit off me.
Get me the fuck out of here.
This is insane.
Wait, what the fuck are
you doing here anyway, buddy?
Wait. Wait.
That's what all that--
That racket was up there?
You-- You were ripping up
my bathroom?
You were ripping up my bathroom?
You didn't even bother to ask
where the fuck I was?
Unbelievable.
You came to steal my car.
You came to steal
my fucking car.
After everything
I've done for you,
you came here to steal
my fucking car?
What have you done for me?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I-- I pluck you out
of a goddamn fucking strip mall
and I gave you
a fucking golden ticket.
I gave you 45 grand to do
whatever the fuck you want.
All I wanted was
an invoice for 300 grand.
That's-- That's 15 percent.
That's a fucking good deal.
You didn't even have
to touch my bathroom.
You paid me
to redo the bathroom.
I paid you to say you redid
the bathroom, you fuckwit.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus.
What'd you do anyway?
What-- What, did you put
a fucking clawfoot tub in there?
Oh, we haven't installed it yet.
That's fucking priceless.
[LAUGHS] She--
She fucking hates
clawfoot tubs.
Oh, my God.
She has no appreciation
for any kind of classic beauty.
She-- She wanted to put
laminate floors
in our living room
that look like wood.
I mean,
that's fucking ridiculous.
Just get the wood.
Get the fucking wood.
You can afford the wood.
Get the wood.
We can afford the wood.
You get the wood. I mean...
Okay. All right, look.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Okay. You're gonna get me
out of here,
and you're gonna get all
the business you want for life.
You won't have to lift a finger.
I want it all.
You what?
I said I want it all.
You what? Are you fucking high?
You want it all? No, buddy. No.
You're gonna-- You're gonna
draw very nice income
doing jobs
that don't even exist.
Okay?
And you're gonna supply me
with all the invoices
that I want.
See, I don't think you're
in any position to negotiate.
Oh, really?
Well, you're still
sitting right here
in front of me
in my own fucking house.
Yeah. Yeah. Your house.
It's nice. It's nice.
Maybe you'll get to enjoy it
if you hand everything over.
[STAMMERS]
You're a fucking prince, man.
You're a fucking genius, man.
Hey. Hey. Keep it down.
Sorry.
You want me to keep it down?
Yeah, keep it fucking down.
You think you can come in here--
[CHUCKLES]
With your fucking dirty hair,
your fucking plungers
or toilet routine,
and you tell me
to hand over cash
from a billion-dollar empire
in which I am one of many cogs,
and you're gonna walk out
of here with clean hands.
You think that's
gonna happen, right?
You have any understanding
of the complexities
of having the kind of money
that I have
and knowing where to store it,
and the fucking security systems
that have to be in place?
You have any fucking clue?
And do you really think
that my bosses
who would fucking stub you out
like a fucking stale cigar,
do you think
they're fucking idiots?
It-- It doesn't happen
like that, buddy.
Well, then how does it work?
Crash-course me.
Okay, you take all that I have,
my bosses are not gonna
be very happy with you, okay?
Now, you become my cog.
We both get what we want.
So, if you-- You want that car,
you fucking take the car.
The keys are in the kitchen.
They're on a hook.
Take it.
Hmm.
No.
See, I'm not a cog.
So I want everything.
You're serious?
You're fucking serious?
You want everything? Okay.
You're serious?
You're fucking serious.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Janet!
[SHUSHES]
Janet!
I told you to be fucking quiet,
didn't I?
Now you're gonna fucking
listen to me?
You're gonna give me
the fucking money?
Are you gonna give me
my fucking money?
[JANET GRUNTS]
EVAN:
Get up, up, Janet. Come on. Go.
Get out of here, go.
LEO: Oh, Janet!
EVAN:
Go on, Janet! Run!
Don't touch my wife!
[GASPS]
Come on, Janet.
Come on, Janet. Let me in.
[LEO GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
Now, where do you think
you're going?
Huh? It's just you and me now.
[GRUNTS]
Not the Cabernet,
you fucking peasant!
Fucking housewife!
[PANTS]
Janet! Peekaboo!
[LEO LAUGHS]
That's not fucking very nice.
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Come on, Janet.
Come on, let's play a game.
Ah!
Come on.
No.
No, no, no. Watch.
Where's the money, Janet?
[JANET GRUNTS]
[WHIRRING]
Come on. Come on!
[GRUNTS]
Fuck!
Come on.
Come on.
Ah! Fucking bitch.
[LEO PANTS]
Silly girl.
Come on. Let's go.
[GRUNTS]
I tried to be nice, Janet.
What?
What is the fucking
problem, huh?
Why don't you just tell me where
the fuck the money is, huh?
I'm fucking tired.
Janet, where the fuck
is the money?
Janet, where the fuck's
the money, huh?
Where the fuck's the money?
Where the fuck's the money?
[GRUNTS]
Bitch.
Fuck you!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Come on, Janet. Yeah, Janet!
Where are you, Janet?
Huh?
[LEO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Janet. Oh, there you are.
I can hear you.
Janet!
[LEO LAUGHING]
Oh, Janet!
[CHUCKLES, GRUNTS]
[PANTS]
[LEO GROANS]
[GROANING, PANTING]
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Hey, Tasha.
TASHA:
Hey, are you okay?
You sound--
Yeah.
TASHA: Nothing's wrong?
No.
TASHA:
You know, you can tell me--
Um, I think it'd be best
if I explained it to you
in person.
TASHA: Okay, you got it.
Yeah.
TASHA:
Darren, stop it!
[SLURPS]
[SIGHS]
Nanny called in sick again.
Is it okay if he just runs
around the back?
JANET: Sure.
Bye, baby. Go ahead.
Don't get grass stains
on those pants!
Victoria just washed them!
Oh, honey.
Is your maid on strike too?
This is a disaster.
Ugh.
You are acting very strange.
And what happened to your eye?
We're friends, right?
Of course.
Westmount HOA for Life.
What's good for the neighborhood
is what's good for all of us.
I'd like to hire you.
In the lawyerly capacity.
Okay, of course.
How much?
Well, I don't want to underserve
my services,
so we'll start
with a dollar for now.
And then, once I assess
the damage, we can reassess.
All I have is hundreds.
Okay.
I have to show you something.
What I'm about to show you
isn't pretty.
But it was necessary.
I prefer pretty.
But as a lawyer,
I understand necessity.
[EVAN AND LEO MUMBLING]
Okay, who else
knows about this?
Just you.
[SIGHS]
[BOTH WHIMPERING]
What do you think?
Let's get a drink.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
TASHA:
So the handyman
broke into your house.
He just seemed so interested
in the garage.
I thought maybe
for a second he knew.
But I think he only knew
about Evan's business dealings.
Or whatever.
And Evan was going to leave you
for another woman.
For a 22-year-old.
And take everything,
just like what you said.
I thought maybe
for a moment yesterday
when you were talking
about it that you knew, but...
Well, I wouldn't say
I'm clairvoyant.
But I definitely have
a sensitivity to things.
That is so strange.
That is exactly what
Leo said to me yesterday.
TASHA:
The handyman?
Uh-huh.
Back to Evan.
So he was gonna leave me
to deal with
the consequences
from his business partners.
And as you know, that was not
gonna end well for me.
I've made dinner for them.
They are not nice men.
I am sure they're not.
They're not good people.
No. You'd be dead.
Mm.
So we were playing croquet,
and I was waiting
for him to tell me.
Just come clean.
And he didn't.
And then he went to go shower.
And I went through his phone.
And I saw everything.
So I grabbed
the nearest thing to me.
I hit him over the head.
Many times. With this.
And dragged him to the garage
in a shower curtain.
A shower curtain?
Who still uses those?
From the maid's room.
But to protect the floors.
Obviously. Right.
And you cleaned
the entire bathroom.
Linens, clothes, everything.
I bleached everything.
Except for this.
But we'll--
We'll take care of that.
You know I didn't want
to hurt Evan.
You understand that,
right?
Of course. I know you didn't
wanna hurt him.
You wanted him to stay.
Yeah.
TASHA: Sweetheart,
I hate to break it to you,
but what's going on
in the garage
isn't easy to overcome
in a marriage.
I know.
And I don't want
to be the one to say it,
but somebody has to.
You can't keep them
in there forever.
That's why I called you.
I need your advice.
Well, I think that the only
logical thing to do is,
you know?
I just didn't want it
to come down to that.
I know you didn't.
My poor Janet. My poor baby.
I feel for you.
I do.
But now is probably a good time
for me to go over my fees.
This will certainly
be taking up
a great deal of mental
and emotional headspace.
I'm thinking maybe
around $100,000,
$500 an hour as a retainer.
[GASPS]
The friends and family discount?
Of course.
We really are friends,
aren't we?
Yes.
Thank you.
Of course.
In cash, though. Obviously.
Mm-hmm.
You do keep that
in the house, right?
[KEYPAD BEEPS]
I was wondering
about that old microwave.
It reads very TV dinner people.
One hundred.
Wonderful.
I feel better already.
Ooh, money, money.
Like I can do my be--
No, no. We do not play with
money in other people's houses.
Just in our own house, okay?
What?
[WHISPERING]
There's a man outside.
There's a man outside?
There's a man outside.
[]
Who is that?
JANET:
Ugh. Shit.
Samuel?
SAMUEL: Miss Lauper.
Oh, uh, shit. Uh, sorry.
Uh, Leo--
Leo called last night,
said whatever you guys
were fighting about got fixed
and I-- I should meet him here.
So that's why I'm here.
If you're wondering
why I'm here.
Were you wondering why I'm here?
Samuel, right?
Uh, Leo, he left.
We actually decided
we're gonna go
with another contractor.
He didn't tell you?
What? Damn, no.
Ah, I wish he would have,
'cause I...
[SIGHS]
I don't know.
I-- I had to take the bus
all the way here and then--
Then I had to walk a mile
and a half and I got lost,
and my blood sugar's
all messed up right now.
You got anything to eat?
'Cause my fuel tank
is running on empty over here.
I don't, I don't,
but you should really go home.
I'm sure we could find him
a sandwich.
Wait, uh, you got like
a phone or something
I could use to call for a ride?
You don't have a phone?
Well, no, not since I got
out of the pen.
Leo was real nice hiring me.
Not many people give
an ex-con a chance.
Oh, you hear that, Janet?
He has no phone with GPS,
and he's an ex-con.
Poor thing.
Oh, thanks, I guess.
I didn't do anything.
I'm being honest-to-God
real with you, I really am.
They got me for too many
unpaid parking tickets,
if you could believe that.
JANET: That is just awful.
I'm gonna write a letter.
SAMUEL: Yeah, you should,
because you know what?
The food inside,
it comes from big old companies
that-- That distribute food
to, like,
airlines, and stadiums, and--
And schools, and all that stuff.
Airlines?
Even first class?
All right,
so you have no family,
friends, girlfriend, anyone?
SAMUEL: Well...
No. Not really.
You know someone?
You single?
TASHA:
Uh, no.
Here.
SAMUEL: Oh, nice.
It's a pretty phone.
We really should get him
that sandwich inside.
Who are you calling?
SAMUEL:
Leo. Who else?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, he must have left
his phone in the garage.
We'll go grab it for you
and then I'll call you a cab
when we get back.
Okay? One second.
Oh.
Listen, I know this isn't
what you want to hear,
but Samuel has to stay here.
He's a loose end
that must be cut off.
I see this all the time
with my clients.
They think
they're in the clear,
then one person with
a little too much information
steps up for a reward.
But he said I have
a nice BMI.
You do.
You have a great BMI.
It's perfect.
But this is the messy part.
I saw you have
a clawfoot tub in the driveway.
JANET:
Ugh, that tub.
I find that type
of design unappealing.
I can't imagine why Evan would
want that for our bathroom.
TASHA:
To spite you.
But I think we can use it
in our favor now.
Darren!
Mommy's taking out the trash!
Nice.
[BIRDS TWEETING]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND]
[]
Hand.
[SPITS]
[WHIRS]
[SIGHS]
Ready?
Have you done this before?
No, but I have no less than
10 clients who have done it.
I mean, it can't be
that difficult
if so many men
allegedly do it.
Right. Anything they can do...
BOTH:
We can do better.
[BOTH INHALE AND EXHALE HEAVILY]
Now it's quite hard to dispose
of a body in totality,
but much easier
to do so in increments.
JANET: Like laundering money.
TASHA: Yes.
So do you have a drain plug
for the bath?
Yes, upstairs.
TASHA:
Great.
Because as soon
as we saw through his aorta,
there's gonna a ton of blood.
Like, a ton of blood.
Shit.
Get over here!
[TASHA SCREAMING]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[TASHA SCREAMING]
SAMUEL:
Help! Help me!
TASHA:
Shut up! Shut up!
SAMUEL:
Miss Laufner, please!
TASHA: I said shut up!
SAMUEL: Ah! Please.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
TASHA:
Die! Die!
Die! Die!
SAMUEL: Ow!
TASHA: Shut up!
[SAMUEL SCREAMING]
[BLOWS LANDING]
SAMUEL:
I love you, Miss Lawler!
TASHA: Die!
[SAMUEL SCREAMS]
Die! Die! Die! Die!
[SIGHS]
[PANTING]
This really is effective.
[]
[BOTH GRUNT AND SIGH]
TASHA:
Big boy!
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
It's now or never.
Should we...?
Sorry, baby.
You don't need to see this.
[LEO MUMBLES]
All right. Ready.
[GRUNTS]
[EVAN AND LEO SCREAM]
[SAW WHIRRING]
[SCREAMS]
[LEO SCREAMING]
[LASER GUNS FIRING
ON VIDEO GAME]
[]
[EVAN CRIES]
Nice.
I feel like
you really needed that.
You've been so stressed lately.
So stressed.
You know, I hate to say it,
but the tub,
it's growing on me.
Yeah, I mean, the amount
of liquid that it held.
And the edge.
It feels nice on my arm.
Yeah.
[PANTS]
Yeah, it does.
TASHA:
Janet, I'm putting on music.
Any requests?
[RETRO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
TASHA:
Mr. Wallaby, I told you,
do not contact me unless
it's on the burner phone.
Always burn, never bury!
God, morons!
Seriously.
This is taking so much longer
than what I expected.
Yeah, but we're getting there.
Step by step.
Do you want anything
from Peachtree Caf?
If I don't get Darren
his chicken nuggets,
he's gonna have
a frickin' meltdown.
Get me a ranch hand Cobb salad.
But hold the dressing.
All this stuff with Samuel.
It's really putting
my health into context.
Okay.
I swear to God,
if this blood voids my warranty,
I'm gonna fucking flip out.
By the way, can you believe
that these work on your phone
with touch screen?
It's pretty fantastic.
You ready to start
number two?
TASHA:
Uh, yep.
GIRL [ON PHONE]:
Dad, where are you?
Well, I'm--
I'm working my night job.
But, Dad, the girls are so mean
to me at school
and I don't know what to do.
You know, can you talk
to your mom about it?
I have a delivery
I have to make.
[JANET HUMMING]
TASHA: What a mess.
This is disgusting.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Are you kidding?
It's absolute disaster in here.
Filthy. Ugh!
Filthy. Do you have Windex?
That maid bought
something off-brand.
I guess that'll do.
Oh, my God, I didn't even
think of who to do first.
TASHA [SIGHS]:
Well, it depends.
Do you want to have
more or less mercy for Evan?
[EXHALES]
More.
We were married
for nearly a decade.
Oh, God, I feel so old.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
A fucking decade
since my wedding.
Oh, that was so fun.
So then do Evan first. Fast.
Rip it off like a Band-Aid.
Fast, fast.
Our food's coming too, so...
[SIGHS]
Okay.
TASHA: Ready?
[WHISPERS] Okay.
TASHA: There?
JANET: Oh, absolutely.
More like to the left.
And then make sure
you do it really hard,
because you don't wanna
do this a bunch of times.
I'm trying to think
if there's anything else.
Just a lot of force.
Definitely use your forearm.
If it doesn't,
just take it out on duty.
Oh, my God.
Shit, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.
[WHIMPERS]
Hi, Evan.
[JANET CLEARS THROAT]
"Evan.
"I have treasured
our time together.
"From the first moment I saw you
"and you said, 'That's an ass
I could see myself marrying,'
"I knew that we'd be together.
"We had a true partnership.
"I trusted you.
"And then you betrayed
that trust,
"and I hope that you understand.
"I had...
"no...
I had no choice."
Um...
"Evan, you always had
"the most beautiful
bedroom eyes.
"And I'll never forget when
you cried on our wedding night.
"And then the stock market
rallied
and we had the most
beautiful reception."
Absolutely delicious canaps
at the reception, by the way.
I told Larry
that I wish we had those.
Thank you so much.
Of course.
JANET:
I loved all of our
vacations together.
I adore the bag that you got me
for our last anniversary.
And the earrings on Easter.
And, I mean,
the tennis bracelet,
it's kind of old-fashioned
and it's not really my taste,
but I know that you were trying
and I really do appreciate that.
[SIGHS]
I guess you should
say something now.
EVAN:
Oh, fuck, Janet.
You fucked up. You fucked up.
I fucked up?
You fucked up, bitch.
There's fucking blood everywhere
from a dismembered fucking body!
I worked out every day for you.
I toned every inch of my body.
Do you know how difficult
barre is?
Barre? For fuck's sake.
I decorated this entire house
impeccably, by the way.
I hired and fired
all of the staff.
I held up my end of the deal.
You-- You just got old, okay?
You just got old, okay?
And-- And you have an awful
sense of design.
I'm sorry, but that tub,
it's fucking ugly and old.
Like you.
It's awful.
That tub looks like--
Like a Parisian street
that bums piss on.
It's fucking ugly-- Ow!
[SCREAMS]
[LEO WHIMPERS]
TASHA:
Whoo! Okay.
What do you think
he meant by that?
Okay, I-- sweetie,
I know you're upset.
The tub was--
He's not thinking clearly,
but just hear me out.
It's fine, but you have
to get back in there,
because he's not dead.
Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what
I've been dealing with?
[GRUNTS]
Fuck. Get up.
Get the fuck up your ass.
Get up your ass.
Get the fuck up.
And he says I'm fucking crazy,
like I'm the fucking crazy one.
[GRUNTING]
Fuck. I'll get the saw.
Shit! Where's the battery?
EVAN:
Get your fucking mask off.
Take it off!
I don't understand, baby.
Why would you say that?
Hey, baby, I loved you too.
Sorry.
You're a fucking bitch!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
I loved you so fucking much!
[BLADE PIERCES]
[SCREAMS]
Ah, fuck!
Please, please, baby...
LEO:
Come on, you old fuck!
See what you made me do?
Janet, please.
Hear me out, baby.
Ah!
Fuck.
[FLESH RIPPING]
[EVAN SCREAMING]
This was just working!
[BLADE PIERCING]
[SCREAMING]
[WHIRRING]
I love the old work.
[EVAN SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKS]
LEO: Holy shit!
[SCREAMING]
Just die!
Motherfucker!
LEO:
Come on! You can do this!
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
[BEEPS]
LEO:
Get the fuck outta here!
Shit! He's getting away!
LEO:
Ah, you crazy bitches!
We cannot let him get away!
[LEO GRUNTING]
[CAR DOORS SHUT]
Go! Go, go, go!
Hit him! Hit him!
[TIRES SCREECH]
GIRL: They told me
they weren't even gonna go
to the California
pizza kitchen.
But then I looked--
Go, go, go.
Faster, faster. To the left!
To the left! Go, go, go, go.
I can't go any faster.
Go, you got this.
To the left, to the left!
He's right there! Come on.
[GRUNTS]
[CAR THUDS, TIRES SCREECH]
[SIGHS]
Thank god!
Do you think he's dead?
LEO:
Fuck you!
Ah, fuck.
[SIGHS]
Just run him over again.
[CAR DOORS OPEN AND SHUT]
Hey.
[COUGHING SOFTLY]
I was wrong.
And you were right.
And I'm really sorry
that it came down to this.
But I owe you a huge thank-you.
Because that tub is gonna look
fucking amazing in my house.
[LEO GASPING]
And it was an absolute pleasure
doing business with you.
Partner.
TASHA:
Food's here!
DELIVERY DRIVER:
Oh, my God.
Are you...
We've never been better.
Thank you.
Fuck, they dressed the salad.
[JANET SIGHS]
I'm gonna fucking kill someone.
That's what it said
on the ticket.
Dre-- Salad dressed.
[TASHA SIGHS]
[DOORS SHUT]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[]
Whoo!
Are you okay?
You go ahead.
I'm gonna check on something
really quick.
Okay.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[]
[SIGHS]
[]
[LASER GUNS FIRING
ON VIDEO GAME]
TASHA:
Then we mix equal parts
hydrogen peroxide
and dish soap,
and we soak it with cold water.
But we have
to be really careful.
You know, you don't want
to damage the fabric.
JANET:
Wow, it is really easy
to get blood stains
out of fabric.
[]
[]
[]
[WATER RUNNING]
[]
[]
[SCRUBBING FLOOR]
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
[]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, we're-- We're doing this
through the window?
Uh, it's okay.
I'm not offended.
I'm sorry, what do you want?
Oh, God, good question.
We're not doing
any construction.
LEO:
Well, that's strange.
I-- I have an order here
for 435 Westmont.
It says bathroom renovation.
Can't see it.
LEO:
I already got
the bathtub unloaded.
Just need access
to the master bathroom.
[UNLOCKS DOOR]
There she is.
That is your husband's
signature at the bottom, right?
I suppose it is.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I don't think either of us
want to waste all day
going back and forth
behind a door now, do we?
Listen, now is not a good time.
My husband will call
and reschedule
whatever it is he has planned.
Well, he planned a whole
new renovation for you.
Marble Jack and Jill sinks,
heated floors,
one of them mirrors you talk to,
oh, and a big old clawfoot tub
I got in the driveway.
I like our tub.
Well, he says it's time
for something new.
Do you want to call
your husband?
My husband?
LEO: You know what?
I'll give him a call myself.
555-8712, right?
[PHONE LINE RINGS]
EVAN [ON VOICE MAIL]:
Hello, it's Evan.
You know what to do.
[CHUCKLES]
No answer.
I feel like he would have
made mention of this.
Well, do you want to call him?
Maybe he'll pick up for you.
No, he probably won't answer.
Not even for you. Why is that?
He's on a flight for work.
Well, maybe it's a surprise.
I mean,
what woman doesn't want
a romantic clawfoot tub
for her anniversary?
When's your birthday?
Not for another month.
Well, it's definitely gonna take
around a month to finish,
so that must be it.
Look, I don't mean to be rude,
but the faster
I get this started,
the faster I get out
of your hair.
It's getting a bit embarrassing
waiting out here.
I mean, you're starting to seem
like you don't trust me.
Look, I get it.
You don't want me in your house.
I mean, I get it all the time.
Shabby clothes, rough hands.
It's not that.
Well, look, if it makes you
feel more comfortable,
I'll just wait in your driveway
until I get a hold
of your husband.
[SIGHS]
[]
Master bathroom?
I bet you guys redo your house
every year or so.
A lot of folks with everything
get real bored.
Put some new floors in.
Put in some fresh landscaping.
Redo the kitchen.
Maybe a new bathroom.
Come up with some new ways
to spend your money.
Wow, lots of room up here.
Oh, look. Look at that.
Is that a real painting?
Not even a print.
I bet that's expensive.
You look like you have
all these people,
you know, throwing orgies,
swapping wives.
Ooh, comfy bed.
Love the vibe in here.
Very chic. You know,
they just do that thrill.
You know what I'm saying?
I can see why
he wanted a clawfoot.
I designed the tub area
all by myself.
Hmm. I can tell.
[TOOLS CLANGS]
[]
Do you want to put
a shock collar on me?
Make sure I don't
wander off?
I'll be downstairs.
If you need anything.
[LEO WHISTLES]
LEO:
Ice-cold, ice-cold
Ice-cold, ice-cold, ice-cold
[LEO WHISTLES]
[]
[HAMMERING]
[LEO CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
LEO: "Ah, how hard a thing
it is to tell
"what a wild, and rough,
and stubborn wood this is.
Which, I thought,
renews the fear--"
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm just perusing
your husband's library.
Uh, I don't have
any water downstairs.
LEO:
Well, of course, you don't.
Sammy turned it off.
Hey, Sammy.
Yes, boss?
It's a messy job.
Hate to get
our work clothes dirty.
Whoa. You got a nice BMI.
Body mass index.
I'm all about nutrition,
you see.
Food is flesh fuel.
Right, boss?
That's right.
Oh, this here's my handyman.
A handyman's handyman,
if you will.
I call him in when the job's
just too big for one man.
Sammy's the best there is.
He's-- He's like
a brother to me.
He always gets the job done.
SAMUEL:
What was your name?
Mrs. Lawthur.
Cool.
Nice to meet you.
And you get your clawfoot tub
just a little bit sooner.
I like our tub. The water?
Well, like your husband said,
it's time for something new.
Right. So I need water to cook.
Well, you imagine cutting
through pipes
with water running
through them.
Lots of flooding.
Big problems.
Well, I'm making Bolognese,
and I need water to cook
today, and I was--
SAMUEL: Bolognese?
LEO: Sammy, did you hear that?
Bolognese!
SAMUEL: A lot of calories, boss.
Italian man, myself.
Leonardo IV at your service.
But everyone calls me "Leo"
because I'm my own man.
Ain't that right, Sammy?
SAMUEL:
That's right, boss.
I gathered. The water?
Well, you don't need water
to cook Bolognese.
Excuse me?
LEO: Whole milk, chicken stock,
and if it looks
a little parched,
just a dash of dry white wine.
Well, that's not
how my husband likes it.
LEO:
Oh, he's coming back?
Lovely.
I'd love to chat with him.
No, but that's just not
how I make it.
That is how it should be made.
Hey, Sammy.
SAMUEL: Yeah, boss?
Take over while I assist
the lady of the house.
No.
I insist that you do not.
Oh, I insist.
Would you just put on a shirt,
please?
Sure.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss.
Can you get me
some of that Bolognese, yeah?
LEO: Yeah.
Just a taste.
Yeah.
You didn't put the meat in yet?
I was going to, but I realized
the water was out,
so I went upstairs to you first.
And you're gonna use
fresh tomatoes?
I know that's not normally
the recipe,
but I prefer it to the cans
of tomato sauce.
Cans of tomato sauce?
What planet are you on?
You're supposed to use
a third cup of tomato paste.
Your acids are gonna
be all messed up.
You gotta just throw the meat
in right now.
What you should have done
is browned the meat
in the pot first.
But you know,
what are you going to do?
Wow. It's pretty
good-looking meat.
Pretty pricey.
Twenty dollars a pound?
Where'd you get it?
The market on Farrelly.
Farrelly. Farrelly.
Yeah, you know what?
I think I know the place.
They wouldn't let a guy like me
in the door, though.
That's not true.
There are plenty of people
like yourself that shop there.
Like myself?
Yes.
Working men.
A working man. Hmm.
Open the lid on that.
[SIZZLING]
Not so hot for a working man.
That your garage?
Yes.
I bet you got some pretty
nice things in there.
Oh?
Well, you know,
you've got such
a nice setup here.
Huge house. Beautiful pool.
Lots of privacy.
I mean, such a big space.
Just a couple?
No kids?
No. Not yet.
Not yet?
Can't wait too long.
I mean, a woman of your age.
Do you have children, Leo?
[CHUCKLES] No.
But when I find the right woman,
I'll make it happen.
I always
get the job done.
Guess that makes me
a working man.
Thank you for your help.
I'm sure Samuel probably needs
it a lot more than I do.
Hmm, maybe.
I'm sure he's fine.
When did you say the water
would be back on?
Oh, any time,
any time now.
[SLURPS]
[WATER RUNNING]
Say, think I can get
a glass of that?
Fine.
Oh, and for Samuel too.
[]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[THUDS]
LEO:
Something matter?
Very kind of you.
Good hostess you are.
You know, when your husband
gets back into town,
I'll be sure
to let him know.
Thanks.
[LEO WHISTLES]
LEO:
Ice-cold, ice-cold
[SIGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Tasha, I completely forgot
about our yoga date.
Well, the nanny canceled
and Larry's at the office.
So I'm stuck with
little Darren all day.
Please tell me you have wine.
Of course.
TASHA: Okay.
Well, you can go run back, baby.
Go ahead. Bye.
Is Evan home?
[HAMMERING, DRILL WHIRRING]
What is that?
A bathroom remodel?
Evan never mentioned it.
TASHA:
And you just let them in?
Silly, I know.
He's maddeningly strange
and clingy.
I get this feeling like
he's watching me, testing me.
He ruined my Bolognese.
Uh, not the Bolognese.
Warrior.
So you just let them in?
He had the paperwork.
Evan's signature.
Do you know how easy it is
to forge a signature?
It's literally a few squiggles
and a dot.
Thanks for reassuring me.
I have a lawyer's mind.
[SLURPS]
If it were me,
I would have litigated
the entire situation until
they gave up and left.
I think I know
how to protect myself.
Hmm.
[BOTH SLURPING]
There are lots of ways
to protect yourself.
Tree pose. For instance,
when I was back at the firm,
I had a lovely client
whose mother-in-law died
a sudden and excruciating death.
My client was wrongfully
accused in the matter,
but ultimately, I was able
to prove that the mother-in-law
stabbed herself
in the heart.
That's incredible.
It was incredible.
Poor thing just didn't want
to survive anymore.
But what was really incredible
is the trick I learned
to get bloodstains
out of fabric.
Hands heart and center.
[BREATHS DEEPLY]
What is it?
It's Evan.
This morning when I woke up,
Evan was gone.
There was no note.
The suitcases
are still in the closet.
Last night he was quiet,
but that's not
out of the ordinary.
Lately, he's been so tired
when he gets home from work,
I just didn't even think
anything of it.
Well, maybe he just left for
the office early this morning.
Didn't want to wake you up.
I called the office.
Not there.
Called his phone.
What about his car?
It's in the garage.
Another woman?
The handyman
is what's strange.
All of a sudden, Evan disappears
and this guy just shows up.
Mm.
Do you think maybe he hired
the handyman to spy on you
or, like...?
I mean, I'm not saying that.
Who is this handyman?
[LEO CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Mrs. Lawthur, I just wanted
to let you know
we'll be making quite
a bit of noise upstairs.
Thank you for letting me know.
LEO:
My pleasure.
Oh, and in case
you were wondering,
your husband's order
came in last Friday.
Got an email from him directly
along with instructions
and a deposit.
Thank you for letting me know.
LEO:
You girls have fun.
Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
When you start taking
clients again,
you gotta start
taking their calls.
To be honest, I think
this one might have done it,
but maybe his wife
bludgeoned herself to death.
Will you watch Darren for me?
I need to run to my home office.
Hello?
I told you, don't fucking talk
to anyone.
Everything goes through me.
I don't care
what your wife said.
At this point,
you might as well be dead,
'cause without your money,
you're worthless.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[VIOLIN BEING PLAYED]
JANET:
No, no, no, no, no, no.
SAMUEL:
You sound great, dude.
Oh, hey.
That's Evan's violin.
What were you doing
in our closet?
Do you like classical music?
Like quartets?
Or orchestra strings?
Or you know--
Stop it.
What?
You don't like classical music?
I mean, my dad
always used to tell me,
"If you don't like music,
you're crazy."
You have to like
classical music.
What the fuck!
[CHOKES]
[]
What? Now tell me
you like classical music.
Were you going through my stuff?
Me? No, never.
I'm calling your supervisor.
You know, he's pretty busy.
I wouldn't do that.
I memorized the number.
I'm warning you, don't do it.
You-- You're gonna make him mad.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi, this is your manager
speaking.
How may I help you?
I'd like you to get out
of my room.
LEO:
Right in the middle of a job?
I don't think so.
I mean, the hazards?
It's a lawsuit
waiting to happen.
I will call the police.
Really?
I will.
Okay.
And what are you
gonna tell 'em? Hmm?
That your handyman's
fixing the bathroom?
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Okay. Okay.
Hey, Sammy.
SAMUEL: Yeah, boss.
Man, let's go get some lunch,
huh?
SAMUEL: Hmm.
Yeah, lady of the house.
Looks like she's gonna
blow a gasket.
SAMUEL:
Gasket? Isn't that for a car?
Oh, hey, Miss Laufner.
Uh, I found these in the--
In the pipes.
Uh, are these your undies?
I swear I wasn't doing
anything weird or anything.
I just-- I'll just leave them
on the bed.
Bye.
[LEO WHISTLES]
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
EVAN [ON VOICE MAIL]:
Hello, it's Evan.
You know what to do.
[VOICEMAIL BEEPS]
Evan, it's me.
I just wanted to see
if you'd be home for dinner.
Give me a call when you can.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND]
Now, what do we say when a man
tries to get you into the van?
You smack them in the nuts
and take their candy.
Damn straight.
JANET:
Hey!
I thought you said
you were leaving!
I said I was taking a break.
I was giving you alone time
in the house,
if you know
what I'm talking about.
[SCREAMING]
Me and the kid
are just talking, right?
Sharing secrets.
You got any secrets
you want to share, Janet?
I'm taking you home, Darren.
Well, that's totally fine.
Hey, good talking to you, bud.
You know, we're gonna make
a lot of ruckus up there anyway.
Jamming away, in and out,
in and out. Real wet stuff.
Oh, you're missing a ball.
These sets usually come in six,
right?
[]
I'm gonna walk you home.
SAMUEL: Hey, boss.
Where'd Miss Laupner go?
LEO:
Ah, she'll be back.
I'm gonna go check on the pipes
downstairs.
Keep working, all right?
SAMUEL:
You got it, boss.
[SPRAYING]
[]
[WHISTLING]
[SPITS]
[POURS WINE]
TASHA:
Why don't you ask him to leave?
I did. In a way.
I don't understand
how you can be so meek
having a husband
like yours.
What do you mean?
He's just a shark.
Larry told me some stuff
about them closing
the Holyoke account,
and between you and me,
let's just say that I do not
think he will be
jumping at the opportunity
to work with him ever again.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
It's just ugly man stuff,
you know?
[WHISTLING]
I bet you're a good
criminal attorney.
There are good criminals
and there are good attorneys.
A good criminal attorney
is really just a good criminal.
If I didn't know any better,
I would say that
Evan's doing this
on purpose.
Like, to torture you.
I'm kidding. Kind of.
I mean, he was pretty awful
to his other wife.
The one that,
I don't know if you remember,
he did leave for you.
Says a lot
about someone's character.
[]
SAMUEL:
Hello, old friends.
How does she keep that physique
with all this junk food?
Fats, carbs, sugar,
all processed food.
Bye, old friends.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
I'm just feeling really leafy
right now.
Blowing in the wind.
[SHARPENS KNIFE]
That is positively poetic.
I've been thinking about going
back to school
to be a writer.
I just have so much to say.
Tons, really.
This one's a little dull.
[SIGHS]
[BLOWS]
Shall we?
[SIGHS]
Always 5 inches off target.
My instructor thinks
I need glasses.
Do you ever have fantasies?
Oh, yeah.
Larry and I have this one
called "Jellyfish,"
where I wear a huge sun hat
covering my eyes.
And I take a loose foot towel
and I just--
No. Like, bloody, violent,
gory, that type of stuff.
Oh, you just have to ask
if you want
to see my crime scene
photo library.
It's very thrilling.
It's part of the reason
why I still stay in the job.
I've thought about hurting
people in a non-sexual way,
although I don't
even know anymore.
I feel different, Tasha.
I feel rage.
Huh.
Sometimes
while Larry's sleeping,
I hold a pillow
2 inches from his head
just to see if I'll do it.
It's just like
a kookie thing I do.
Larry's never caught you?
Actually,
I think he may have,
because one time, the day after,
I went to the salon, came back,
Darren had a full-time nanny,
and my law degree
was hanging up
in the new office.
Don't think. Just throw.
[SLURPS]
Are you sure you haven't
been seeing my instructor?
I mean, you probably should.
He's absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, Tasha.
What?
I just figured
that Evan would have
you high-heeled
and pregnant by now.
Men like him can smell
perimenopausal
from a mile away.
It's too late.
TASHA: What?
Did Larry ever leave you?
TASHA:
My Larry? Oh, God, no.
His prenup is not strong enough
for that.
I should know. I wrote it.
You did not.
Yep.
That's genius.
It's survival.
Survival.
I wish I spoke to you earlier.
I adore your knives, Tasha.
Thank you.
SAMUEL:
Hey, Miss Lauper.
It's me, Samuel.
Had some free time.
I thought I'd clean your pool.
Hope you don't mind.
What are you doing today?
Oh, that's nice.
I saw you doing some yoga.
I like to do yoga.
Well, maybe...
Maybe we could
go do something sometime.
You look like you have
a lot of nice clothes.
Maybe you'd like
going to the mall?
I used to go hang out
at the mall and steal pretzels.
I don't do that anymore.
You make me want to be
a better man, Miss Lauper.
I don't know what it is,
but every time
you walk in a room,
you just light the place up,
you little firecracker, you.
I hope you don't feel
embarrassed.
I don't.
Anyway.
LEO:
Sammy, where the hell are you?
Come on, man.
We got some work to do.
Let's move!
We gotta get this tub inside.
SAMUEL:
Coming, boss.
TASHA:
Were you and Evan
having issues?
Like, were you
thinking about divorce?
JANET:
No, not at all.
I mean, the normal issues that
everyone has in their marriages,
but nothing that we couldn't
work through willingly.
Right. All I'm saying is that
if you are having issues,
if you need a good lawyer,
let me know.
Because if I know Evan,
I know he would have a plan.
You wouldn't see it coming
and then suddenly you're left
with absolutely nothing after
how many years of marriage?
Eight.
Eight years of marriage,
and then nothing?
I mean, no offense,
but you have absolutely
no marketable skills.
You were his secretary for what?
Six months?
You did a great job, by the way,
but if I
were to give you advice,
I would say wait two years
and get alimony for life.
I waited tables
before I worked for Evan.
Absolutely not.
JANET [SIGHS]:
I should really get back,
make sure they haven't
imploded my bathroom.
LEO:
Ah, 1-1-1-1.
[BEEPS]
Nah.
1-2-3-4.
[BEEPS]
Where do you come up
with all these numbers?
SAMUEL: Ah, dang, how many more
numbers could there be?
What are you doing?
Well, we have
to store the tub
somewhere overnight until
we bring it upstairs tomorrow.
Hey, Miss Laufer.
Great dress. Really suits you.
Just bring the tub upstairs
if you're gonna bring it
inside the house.
See, the problem is,
if we brought the tub up now,
it would fall
right through the floor.
See, we had to rip up
all the tiles
and the subflooring
to get to the plumbing.
Before we bring anything
as heavy as this tub,
we're going to have to lay down
the subfloor
and then do all the tiling.
And how long is that gonna take?
Days, maybe weeks.
Look, we at Carrillo
Construction,
do everything safely.
Are you even a contractor?
Are you legally authorized
to do this type of work?
I can't believe
you'd even ask me that.
Do I not look smart enough
to be a contractor?
JANET:
That's not what I said.
Because I'm not.
I'm a handyman.
Jack of all trades.
Oh, hey, Miss Laufer.
What's your birthday?
Stop that!
Sorry.
LEO:
Look, if you want him to stop,
just open up the garage.
No one is going in the garage.
[SIGHS] Fine. Then we'll just
leave the tub in the driveway.
I'm sure your neighbors
and the HOA would love that.
I will deal with the HOA.
Just leave the tub in the
driveway and turn on my water.
Your wish is my command.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss.
Hmm?
What's HOA?
Homeowners Association, Sammy.
What's that?
LEO: I bet you got some
big-ticket items in there.
Maybe like a classic car, maybe
a two-seater like a Mustang.
Something your husband takes out
on the weekend to feel
the wind in his hair.
JANET: The water?
I wonder what kind of car
is in there. Or is it with him?
Yes.
What?
I thought he was on a flight.
Yes, the car is in the shop.
Huh.
I mean, which one is it, Janet?
Is it in the shop, at the
airport or with your husband?
Don't call me that.
What? Janet?
I prefer that
we keep things formal.
You know, I gotta say,
I didn't expect this from you.
I mean, we have
so much history together.
Making Bolognese,
male bonding with Darren.
I'd like you to turn the water
back on and go.
Is that what you really want?
Yes.
You don't have
to ask me twice.
But I just want to make sure
that's exactly what you want.
Because if I turn this
lever on, right,
you're just gonna have flooding
all through the house.
I mean, there's a lot
of unconnected pipes up there.
Well, how long
is it gonna take
for you to connect
the pipes then?
Hmm. I don't know.
You'll have one hour
to connect the pipes
and then I want my water back on
and I want you to go.
No, you know,
that's not a problem, Janet.
Sorry. Mrs. Lawthur.
At Carrillo Construction,
we aim to please.
[]
[CHOPPING]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAMMERING]
You okay,
Mrs. Lawthur?
See, I--
I don't know what to say.
That hasn't
stopped you yet.
You know,
you're real funny.
You have-- you have
a real sense of humor.
Yes, I'm all jokes.
Just out of patience.
Oh, well, here I am, upstairs,
clanging away at the pipes.
And I hear the music getting
louder, and louder, and louder.
And then I realize you're just
trying to drown me out.
And?
Well, well, I came to apologize.
You did?
Of course.
I mean, I don't want
to be a nuisance, right?
I'm just doing my job.
That's what we do, me and you.
I mean, I fix bathrooms
and you, well, you do this.
I want your home
to be a sanctuary, right?
A place where you feel safe.
I mean, in these days,
with everything going on,
there's some fucking
crazy people out there.
No telling what they'll do.
Like what?
What would they do?
Check this out. I saw this story
the other day, right?
This guy breaks into a home
while the family's sleeping.
He ties 'em up
in the living room.
He takes a box cutter,
cuts all their hair off,
right down to the scalp,
and he shoves it in their mouth.
And then what happened?
Well, then he slits
their throat.
Sits 'em up on the couch.
All of 'em.
TV on while watching
the Game Show Channel.
Right? No rhyme or reason.
I mean, people these days,
it's like they wanna get caught.
It's like, almost
like it's an art form.
I mean, right?
What did I say? What?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Tell me.
Tell me how the razor
sliced through their skin.
What?
[LEO SCREAMS]
[JANET CHUCKLES]
LEO:
Almost like it's an art form.
Huge bloody mess, right?
I mean--
Hey, boss.
I just loaded the truck.
LEO:
Aces.
Oh, water's on.
Check it. Yep, there you go.
Thanks, Sammy.
Yep. Goes on and off.
So you're good.
We'll be back tomorrow
at 10:00 to install your tub.
Bye, Miss Lauper.
Ten a.m.?
Thought you said
we could sleep in tomorrow?
LEO:
Ah, you can sleep
when you're dead, Sammy.
I like my fucking tub.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[]
WOMAN 1 [ON TV]:
Answer me, please.
MAN 1 [ON TV]:
All right, you asked for it.
[PHONE RINGING]
[INDISTINCT TV CHATTER]
[PHONE RINGING CONTINUOUSLY]
Hello?
My husband's away on business
and I'm here all alone.
I think someone's in the house.
I'm at 23, Hill Road.
Hello?
Hello?
[GRUNTS]
I knew you were trouble
when you walked in.
[MAN GRUNTS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE]
[]
LEO: There's a reason
why I hired you.
SAMUEL:
You know what's healthier
than an omelet?
Nothing.
They're the healthiest thing
you can eat.
Except a lot of people
unintentionally add calories
with some of the ingredients
they use,
especially in the United States.
I mean, the ingredients
are just trash.
That's why I like
that you used the veggies,
even though I did suggest it,
because, you know,
they got the minerals, vitamins,
you get your fiber.
You know what would be
good with this?
Oh, dang.
I wish we hadn't eaten already.
Because we could
have added some oats.
But not just any oats.
You don't want the sugary ones.
You want the ones with, like--
Steel-cut.
Steel-cut.
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
Morning, sleepyhead.
I was wondering when
you were gonna get up.
What is going on here?
LEO: Well, we came in
and saw you still sleeping.
So, you know, we came in
and made omelets.
You want some?
We got extra.
How did you get in my house?
LEO:
Well, the door was open.
At least, lock the doors.
I mean, you'd think you'd have
some sort of security.
I did, and I do.
Hmm. That's strange,
because they weren't.
You should probably
get that looked at.
You said you'd be here at 10.
Ten? I'd never say 10.
He'd never say 10.
I mean, hell, the day's already
halfway gone by 10.
I mean, only lazy people
stay in bed till 8 or 9.
I mean-- I mean, it's a sign
of bad upbringing.
Do you mind?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Lawthur.
You know, if I had silk sheets,
I'd sleep in the nude too.
It just feels so good
and cozy on the skin, right?
[]
Hmm. I guess she's not
a morning person.
[]
[HAMMERING]
Sammy?
[CHUCKLES]
Awesome.
What kind of pipes
are those, boss?
Those are cool.
What else have we got to do?
Get the sledgehammer.
The what?
Get the sledgehammer.
We're taking this shit down.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
I really like your hair.
Thank you.
LEO: If it isn't
the mistress of the house.
What's that?
Our bank
and credit card statement.
[CHUCKLES]
That many zeros,
you might as well be speaking
a different language, hon.
What this says is that in no way
in the last two months
has my husband made
any sort of deposit
for a bathroom renovation.
That's what that says
in those words?
Obviously not!
The numbers do not add up,
Mr. Carillo.
Who the fuck's Mr. Carillo?
JANET:
You are!
Huh. Yeah, no, that's not me.
What is this?
[LAUGHS] Oh, that.
I found that.
I just thought
it looked cool.
Just tell me how you came to be
at my house.
Who sent you here?
Like I said, your husband
sent me an email
along with a deposit.
And I'm telling you,
this paperwork says he did not.
Then why don't you go
ask him, then?
Hmm? Still no. Huh.
Guess I'll just give him
another call then.
No.
LEO:
No answer again.
You know, I have a theory.
Bear with me here. My friends
think I'm clairvoyant.
I think that your husband
went to work one day...
just never came home.
And now you sit here
in this big old house alone...
waiting for the other shoe
to drop.
And maybe he had a mistress.
Maybe she's younger than you.
Prettier.
Not that you're not pretty.
Man, your husband,
he's a big businessman.
I see him in the papers
all the time.
So he takes off
with this woman, right?
And now you're wondering,
"What's in it for me?
What do I get?"
So you get a big fat nothing.
That's what you fucking get.
How did you know my husband
drove a Mercedes?
Drove? Past tense.
That's interesting.
I will ask you
one more time.
How did you come
to be at my house?
You let me in, Mrs. Lawthur.
[CHUCKLES] And your husband,
he gave me cash.
Cash?
Yeah.
Showed up personally,
dropped it off to me
in his really nice Mercedes.
No, he wouldn't.
He wouldn't.
I guarantee you, he would not.
I don't know,
rich people like you,
plenty of cash laying around
in this empty house.
You want to know how I know?
JANET:
How?
Well, he's laundering it
through me.
He gave me a couple stacks.
All I had to do was give him
a couple dummy invoices,
claiming he had
paid a lot more for it.
But even after the renovation,
I still come out ahead.
The renovation? That's not...
[SCOFFS]
Oh.
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Oh, wow. I--
I see it now.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I didn't see it.
What? What do you see?
This whole time, I thought Janet
was the little innocent one.
But she's been in on it.
But not on this one.
Oh, now she's wondering what
else has he left her out on.
And now your husband
seems to have disappeared.
He's on a work trip.
A work trip, yeah, sure.
You keep saying that.
A work trip, work trip,
work trip, work trip.
If I didn't know where he was,
I'd probably say the same thing.
Or maybe you do know
where he is.
Either way, it seems like
there's a lot of cash out there
or-- Or in here
That needs to be cleaned.
Hmm, I'm feeling--
Well, I'm feeling kind
of dirty myself.
Oh, you're gonna have
to get used to me, partner.
[]
LEO:
Hey, Sam.
Hey, Samuel.
Hey, Sammy.
Where the fuck's
that sledgehammer?
I need to bring this
wall down ASAP.
Chop, chop.
SAMUEL:
Hey, boss. Uh, there's no
sledgehammer out there.
LEO:
Fuck. Maybe we forgot.
We gotta go get it.
JANET:
You're leaving now.
What?
Oh, hey, Miss Lauper.
Do you have a sledgehammer?
What did I do?
Get out of my house.
The razors?
They slice like butter.
Like I said, you'd better
get used to this face.
You're not in control anymore,
Janet.
[CHUCKLES]
Now I'm gonna give you
a little breather.
Consider your options.
And when I come back
with sledgehammers,
you can tell us
where the money is,
or I rip this fucking
house apart.
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHS]
[PANTS]
LEO:
Come on, Janet!
Come on,
you're being a bad girl.
What's your sign?
See, I'm a Scorpio.
I'll tell you one thing
about Scorpios.
Scorpios, they stink.
[BANGS ON DOOR]
See, I know what you are.
Your birthday's
next month, right?
Yeah, yeah, you're a Pisces.
[LEO LAUGHS]
Pisces are stinkers, Janet!
I'm a doer. I'm a Scorpio.
I'm a doer.
Some people think the Zodiac's
bullshit, right?
I mean, how can
the Zodiac be bullshit
when I'm such a fucking
Scorpio, Janet? Come on.
Come on, Janet.
Come on.
Let me in, please.
I won't hurt you. I promise.
Come on, Janet.
Come on. I'm a calm guy,
but I don't want to stink.
Let's go!
[]
[CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[]
[DOOR CREAKS, SHUTS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[KEYS JINGLES]
[GRUNTS]
Oh... yeah. Yeah, no.
Ouch. Shit.
Oh, okay, cool.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
What the fuck?
[GRUNTS]
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God, thank you.
You've got to get me
out of here, man.
You've got to get me--
She fucking lost it.
She fucking lost it.
I was about to hop in
the fucking shower.
She fucking comes up behind me.
And I fucking-- I wake up
here like this, man.
I fucking wake up here
like this.
What are you doing?
Quick. Come on.
Get me out of here.
I've been here for fucking days.
Get me the fuck out of here.
Leo, hello?
Take this shit off me.
Get me the fuck out of here.
This is insane.
Wait, what the fuck are
you doing here anyway, buddy?
Wait. Wait.
That's what all that--
That racket was up there?
You-- You were ripping up
my bathroom?
You were ripping up my bathroom?
You didn't even bother to ask
where the fuck I was?
Unbelievable.
You came to steal my car.
You came to steal
my fucking car.
After everything
I've done for you,
you came here to steal
my fucking car?
What have you done for me?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I-- I pluck you out
of a goddamn fucking strip mall
and I gave you
a fucking golden ticket.
I gave you 45 grand to do
whatever the fuck you want.
All I wanted was
an invoice for 300 grand.
That's-- That's 15 percent.
That's a fucking good deal.
You didn't even have
to touch my bathroom.
You paid me
to redo the bathroom.
I paid you to say you redid
the bathroom, you fuckwit.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus.
What'd you do anyway?
What-- What, did you put
a fucking clawfoot tub in there?
Oh, we haven't installed it yet.
That's fucking priceless.
[LAUGHS] She--
She fucking hates
clawfoot tubs.
Oh, my God.
She has no appreciation
for any kind of classic beauty.
She-- She wanted to put
laminate floors
in our living room
that look like wood.
I mean,
that's fucking ridiculous.
Just get the wood.
Get the fucking wood.
You can afford the wood.
Get the wood.
We can afford the wood.
You get the wood. I mean...
Okay. All right, look.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Okay. You're gonna get me
out of here,
and you're gonna get all
the business you want for life.
You won't have to lift a finger.
I want it all.
You what?
I said I want it all.
You what? Are you fucking high?
You want it all? No, buddy. No.
You're gonna-- You're gonna
draw very nice income
doing jobs
that don't even exist.
Okay?
And you're gonna supply me
with all the invoices
that I want.
See, I don't think you're
in any position to negotiate.
Oh, really?
Well, you're still
sitting right here
in front of me
in my own fucking house.
Yeah. Yeah. Your house.
It's nice. It's nice.
Maybe you'll get to enjoy it
if you hand everything over.
[STAMMERS]
You're a fucking prince, man.
You're a fucking genius, man.
Hey. Hey. Keep it down.
Sorry.
You want me to keep it down?
Yeah, keep it fucking down.
You think you can come in here--
[CHUCKLES]
With your fucking dirty hair,
your fucking plungers
or toilet routine,
and you tell me
to hand over cash
from a billion-dollar empire
in which I am one of many cogs,
and you're gonna walk out
of here with clean hands.
You think that's
gonna happen, right?
You have any understanding
of the complexities
of having the kind of money
that I have
and knowing where to store it,
and the fucking security systems
that have to be in place?
You have any fucking clue?
And do you really think
that my bosses
who would fucking stub you out
like a fucking stale cigar,
do you think
they're fucking idiots?
It-- It doesn't happen
like that, buddy.
Well, then how does it work?
Crash-course me.
Okay, you take all that I have,
my bosses are not gonna
be very happy with you, okay?
Now, you become my cog.
We both get what we want.
So, if you-- You want that car,
you fucking take the car.
The keys are in the kitchen.
They're on a hook.
Take it.
Hmm.
No.
See, I'm not a cog.
So I want everything.
You're serious?
You're fucking serious?
You want everything? Okay.
You're serious?
You're fucking serious.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Janet!
[SHUSHES]
Janet!
I told you to be fucking quiet,
didn't I?
Now you're gonna fucking
listen to me?
You're gonna give me
the fucking money?
Are you gonna give me
my fucking money?
[JANET GRUNTS]
EVAN:
Get up, up, Janet. Come on. Go.
Get out of here, go.
LEO: Oh, Janet!
EVAN:
Go on, Janet! Run!
Don't touch my wife!
[GASPS]
Come on, Janet.
Come on, Janet. Let me in.
[LEO GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
Now, where do you think
you're going?
Huh? It's just you and me now.
[GRUNTS]
Not the Cabernet,
you fucking peasant!
Fucking housewife!
[PANTS]
Janet! Peekaboo!
[LEO LAUGHS]
That's not fucking very nice.
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Come on, Janet.
Come on, let's play a game.
Ah!
Come on.
No.
No, no, no. Watch.
Where's the money, Janet?
[JANET GRUNTS]
[WHIRRING]
Come on. Come on!
[GRUNTS]
Fuck!
Come on.
Come on.
Ah! Fucking bitch.
[LEO PANTS]
Silly girl.
Come on. Let's go.
[GRUNTS]
I tried to be nice, Janet.
What?
What is the fucking
problem, huh?
Why don't you just tell me where
the fuck the money is, huh?
I'm fucking tired.
Janet, where the fuck
is the money?
Janet, where the fuck's
the money, huh?
Where the fuck's the money?
Where the fuck's the money?
[GRUNTS]
Bitch.
Fuck you!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Come on, Janet. Yeah, Janet!
Where are you, Janet?
Huh?
[LEO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[LEO CHUCKLES]
Janet. Oh, there you are.
I can hear you.
Janet!
[LEO LAUGHING]
Oh, Janet!
[CHUCKLES, GRUNTS]
[PANTS]
[LEO GROANS]
[GROANING, PANTING]
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Hey, Tasha.
TASHA:
Hey, are you okay?
You sound--
Yeah.
TASHA: Nothing's wrong?
No.
TASHA:
You know, you can tell me--
Um, I think it'd be best
if I explained it to you
in person.
TASHA: Okay, you got it.
Yeah.
TASHA:
Darren, stop it!
[SLURPS]
[SIGHS]
Nanny called in sick again.
Is it okay if he just runs
around the back?
JANET: Sure.
Bye, baby. Go ahead.
Don't get grass stains
on those pants!
Victoria just washed them!
Oh, honey.
Is your maid on strike too?
This is a disaster.
Ugh.
You are acting very strange.
And what happened to your eye?
We're friends, right?
Of course.
Westmount HOA for Life.
What's good for the neighborhood
is what's good for all of us.
I'd like to hire you.
In the lawyerly capacity.
Okay, of course.
How much?
Well, I don't want to underserve
my services,
so we'll start
with a dollar for now.
And then, once I assess
the damage, we can reassess.
All I have is hundreds.
Okay.
I have to show you something.
What I'm about to show you
isn't pretty.
But it was necessary.
I prefer pretty.
But as a lawyer,
I understand necessity.
[EVAN AND LEO MUMBLING]
Okay, who else
knows about this?
Just you.
[SIGHS]
[BOTH WHIMPERING]
What do you think?
Let's get a drink.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
TASHA:
So the handyman
broke into your house.
He just seemed so interested
in the garage.
I thought maybe
for a second he knew.
But I think he only knew
about Evan's business dealings.
Or whatever.
And Evan was going to leave you
for another woman.
For a 22-year-old.
And take everything,
just like what you said.
I thought maybe
for a moment yesterday
when you were talking
about it that you knew, but...
Well, I wouldn't say
I'm clairvoyant.
But I definitely have
a sensitivity to things.
That is so strange.
That is exactly what
Leo said to me yesterday.
TASHA:
The handyman?
Uh-huh.
Back to Evan.
So he was gonna leave me
to deal with
the consequences
from his business partners.
And as you know, that was not
gonna end well for me.
I've made dinner for them.
They are not nice men.
I am sure they're not.
They're not good people.
No. You'd be dead.
Mm.
So we were playing croquet,
and I was waiting
for him to tell me.
Just come clean.
And he didn't.
And then he went to go shower.
And I went through his phone.
And I saw everything.
So I grabbed
the nearest thing to me.
I hit him over the head.
Many times. With this.
And dragged him to the garage
in a shower curtain.
A shower curtain?
Who still uses those?
From the maid's room.
But to protect the floors.
Obviously. Right.
And you cleaned
the entire bathroom.
Linens, clothes, everything.
I bleached everything.
Except for this.
But we'll--
We'll take care of that.
You know I didn't want
to hurt Evan.
You understand that,
right?
Of course. I know you didn't
wanna hurt him.
You wanted him to stay.
Yeah.
TASHA: Sweetheart,
I hate to break it to you,
but what's going on
in the garage
isn't easy to overcome
in a marriage.
I know.
And I don't want
to be the one to say it,
but somebody has to.
You can't keep them
in there forever.
That's why I called you.
I need your advice.
Well, I think that the only
logical thing to do is,
you know?
I just didn't want it
to come down to that.
I know you didn't.
My poor Janet. My poor baby.
I feel for you.
I do.
But now is probably a good time
for me to go over my fees.
This will certainly
be taking up
a great deal of mental
and emotional headspace.
I'm thinking maybe
around $100,000,
$500 an hour as a retainer.
[GASPS]
The friends and family discount?
Of course.
We really are friends,
aren't we?
Yes.
Thank you.
Of course.
In cash, though. Obviously.
Mm-hmm.
You do keep that
in the house, right?
[KEYPAD BEEPS]
I was wondering
about that old microwave.
It reads very TV dinner people.
One hundred.
Wonderful.
I feel better already.
Ooh, money, money.
Like I can do my be--
No, no. We do not play with
money in other people's houses.
Just in our own house, okay?
What?
[WHISPERING]
There's a man outside.
There's a man outside?
There's a man outside.
[]
Who is that?
JANET:
Ugh. Shit.
Samuel?
SAMUEL: Miss Lauper.
Oh, uh, shit. Uh, sorry.
Uh, Leo--
Leo called last night,
said whatever you guys
were fighting about got fixed
and I-- I should meet him here.
So that's why I'm here.
If you're wondering
why I'm here.
Were you wondering why I'm here?
Samuel, right?
Uh, Leo, he left.
We actually decided
we're gonna go
with another contractor.
He didn't tell you?
What? Damn, no.
Ah, I wish he would have,
'cause I...
[SIGHS]
I don't know.
I-- I had to take the bus
all the way here and then--
Then I had to walk a mile
and a half and I got lost,
and my blood sugar's
all messed up right now.
You got anything to eat?
'Cause my fuel tank
is running on empty over here.
I don't, I don't,
but you should really go home.
I'm sure we could find him
a sandwich.
Wait, uh, you got like
a phone or something
I could use to call for a ride?
You don't have a phone?
Well, no, not since I got
out of the pen.
Leo was real nice hiring me.
Not many people give
an ex-con a chance.
Oh, you hear that, Janet?
He has no phone with GPS,
and he's an ex-con.
Poor thing.
Oh, thanks, I guess.
I didn't do anything.
I'm being honest-to-God
real with you, I really am.
They got me for too many
unpaid parking tickets,
if you could believe that.
JANET: That is just awful.
I'm gonna write a letter.
SAMUEL: Yeah, you should,
because you know what?
The food inside,
it comes from big old companies
that-- That distribute food
to, like,
airlines, and stadiums, and--
And schools, and all that stuff.
Airlines?
Even first class?
All right,
so you have no family,
friends, girlfriend, anyone?
SAMUEL: Well...
No. Not really.
You know someone?
You single?
TASHA:
Uh, no.
Here.
SAMUEL: Oh, nice.
It's a pretty phone.
We really should get him
that sandwich inside.
Who are you calling?
SAMUEL:
Leo. Who else?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, he must have left
his phone in the garage.
We'll go grab it for you
and then I'll call you a cab
when we get back.
Okay? One second.
Oh.
Listen, I know this isn't
what you want to hear,
but Samuel has to stay here.
He's a loose end
that must be cut off.
I see this all the time
with my clients.
They think
they're in the clear,
then one person with
a little too much information
steps up for a reward.
But he said I have
a nice BMI.
You do.
You have a great BMI.
It's perfect.
But this is the messy part.
I saw you have
a clawfoot tub in the driveway.
JANET:
Ugh, that tub.
I find that type
of design unappealing.
I can't imagine why Evan would
want that for our bathroom.
TASHA:
To spite you.
But I think we can use it
in our favor now.
Darren!
Mommy's taking out the trash!
Nice.
[BIRDS TWEETING]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND]
[]
Hand.
[SPITS]
[WHIRS]
[SIGHS]
Ready?
Have you done this before?
No, but I have no less than
10 clients who have done it.
I mean, it can't be
that difficult
if so many men
allegedly do it.
Right. Anything they can do...
BOTH:
We can do better.
[BOTH INHALE AND EXHALE HEAVILY]
Now it's quite hard to dispose
of a body in totality,
but much easier
to do so in increments.
JANET: Like laundering money.
TASHA: Yes.
So do you have a drain plug
for the bath?
Yes, upstairs.
TASHA:
Great.
Because as soon
as we saw through his aorta,
there's gonna a ton of blood.
Like, a ton of blood.
Shit.
Get over here!
[TASHA SCREAMING]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[TASHA SCREAMING]
SAMUEL:
Help! Help me!
TASHA:
Shut up! Shut up!
SAMUEL:
Miss Laufner, please!
TASHA: I said shut up!
SAMUEL: Ah! Please.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
TASHA:
Die! Die!
Die! Die!
SAMUEL: Ow!
TASHA: Shut up!
[SAMUEL SCREAMING]
[BLOWS LANDING]
SAMUEL:
I love you, Miss Lawler!
TASHA: Die!
[SAMUEL SCREAMS]
Die! Die! Die! Die!
[SIGHS]
[PANTING]
This really is effective.
[]
[BOTH GRUNT AND SIGH]
TASHA:
Big boy!
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
It's now or never.
Should we...?
Sorry, baby.
You don't need to see this.
[LEO MUMBLES]
All right. Ready.
[GRUNTS]
[EVAN AND LEO SCREAM]
[SAW WHIRRING]
[SCREAMS]
[LEO SCREAMING]
[LASER GUNS FIRING
ON VIDEO GAME]
[]
[EVAN CRIES]
Nice.
I feel like
you really needed that.
You've been so stressed lately.
So stressed.
You know, I hate to say it,
but the tub,
it's growing on me.
Yeah, I mean, the amount
of liquid that it held.
And the edge.
It feels nice on my arm.
Yeah.
[PANTS]
Yeah, it does.
TASHA:
Janet, I'm putting on music.
Any requests?
[RETRO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
TASHA:
Mr. Wallaby, I told you,
do not contact me unless
it's on the burner phone.
Always burn, never bury!
God, morons!
Seriously.
This is taking so much longer
than what I expected.
Yeah, but we're getting there.
Step by step.
Do you want anything
from Peachtree Caf?
If I don't get Darren
his chicken nuggets,
he's gonna have
a frickin' meltdown.
Get me a ranch hand Cobb salad.
But hold the dressing.
All this stuff with Samuel.
It's really putting
my health into context.
Okay.
I swear to God,
if this blood voids my warranty,
I'm gonna fucking flip out.
By the way, can you believe
that these work on your phone
with touch screen?
It's pretty fantastic.
You ready to start
number two?
TASHA:
Uh, yep.
GIRL [ON PHONE]:
Dad, where are you?
Well, I'm--
I'm working my night job.
But, Dad, the girls are so mean
to me at school
and I don't know what to do.
You know, can you talk
to your mom about it?
I have a delivery
I have to make.
[JANET HUMMING]
TASHA: What a mess.
This is disgusting.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Are you kidding?
It's absolute disaster in here.
Filthy. Ugh!
Filthy. Do you have Windex?
That maid bought
something off-brand.
I guess that'll do.
Oh, my God, I didn't even
think of who to do first.
TASHA [SIGHS]:
Well, it depends.
Do you want to have
more or less mercy for Evan?
[EXHALES]
More.
We were married
for nearly a decade.
Oh, God, I feel so old.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
A fucking decade
since my wedding.
Oh, that was so fun.
So then do Evan first. Fast.
Rip it off like a Band-Aid.
Fast, fast.
Our food's coming too, so...
[SIGHS]
Okay.
TASHA: Ready?
[WHISPERS] Okay.
TASHA: There?
JANET: Oh, absolutely.
More like to the left.
And then make sure
you do it really hard,
because you don't wanna
do this a bunch of times.
I'm trying to think
if there's anything else.
Just a lot of force.
Definitely use your forearm.
If it doesn't,
just take it out on duty.
Oh, my God.
Shit, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.
[WHIMPERS]
Hi, Evan.
[JANET CLEARS THROAT]
"Evan.
"I have treasured
our time together.
"From the first moment I saw you
"and you said, 'That's an ass
I could see myself marrying,'
"I knew that we'd be together.
"We had a true partnership.
"I trusted you.
"And then you betrayed
that trust,
"and I hope that you understand.
"I had...
"no...
I had no choice."
Um...
"Evan, you always had
"the most beautiful
bedroom eyes.
"And I'll never forget when
you cried on our wedding night.
"And then the stock market
rallied
and we had the most
beautiful reception."
Absolutely delicious canaps
at the reception, by the way.
I told Larry
that I wish we had those.
Thank you so much.
Of course.
JANET:
I loved all of our
vacations together.
I adore the bag that you got me
for our last anniversary.
And the earrings on Easter.
And, I mean,
the tennis bracelet,
it's kind of old-fashioned
and it's not really my taste,
but I know that you were trying
and I really do appreciate that.
[SIGHS]
I guess you should
say something now.
EVAN:
Oh, fuck, Janet.
You fucked up. You fucked up.
I fucked up?
You fucked up, bitch.
There's fucking blood everywhere
from a dismembered fucking body!
I worked out every day for you.
I toned every inch of my body.
Do you know how difficult
barre is?
Barre? For fuck's sake.
I decorated this entire house
impeccably, by the way.
I hired and fired
all of the staff.
I held up my end of the deal.
You-- You just got old, okay?
You just got old, okay?
And-- And you have an awful
sense of design.
I'm sorry, but that tub,
it's fucking ugly and old.
Like you.
It's awful.
That tub looks like--
Like a Parisian street
that bums piss on.
It's fucking ugly-- Ow!
[SCREAMS]
[LEO WHIMPERS]
TASHA:
Whoo! Okay.
What do you think
he meant by that?
Okay, I-- sweetie,
I know you're upset.
The tub was--
He's not thinking clearly,
but just hear me out.
It's fine, but you have
to get back in there,
because he's not dead.
Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what
I've been dealing with?
[GRUNTS]
Fuck. Get up.
Get the fuck up your ass.
Get up your ass.
Get the fuck up.
And he says I'm fucking crazy,
like I'm the fucking crazy one.
[GRUNTING]
Fuck. I'll get the saw.
Shit! Where's the battery?
EVAN:
Get your fucking mask off.
Take it off!
I don't understand, baby.
Why would you say that?
Hey, baby, I loved you too.
Sorry.
You're a fucking bitch!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
I loved you so fucking much!
[BLADE PIERCES]
[SCREAMS]
Ah, fuck!
Please, please, baby...
LEO:
Come on, you old fuck!
See what you made me do?
Janet, please.
Hear me out, baby.
Ah!
Fuck.
[FLESH RIPPING]
[EVAN SCREAMING]
This was just working!
[BLADE PIERCING]
[SCREAMING]
[WHIRRING]
I love the old work.
[EVAN SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKS]
LEO: Holy shit!
[SCREAMING]
Just die!
Motherfucker!
LEO:
Come on! You can do this!
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
[BEEPS]
LEO:
Get the fuck outta here!
Shit! He's getting away!
LEO:
Ah, you crazy bitches!
We cannot let him get away!
[LEO GRUNTING]
[CAR DOORS SHUT]
Go! Go, go, go!
Hit him! Hit him!
[TIRES SCREECH]
GIRL: They told me
they weren't even gonna go
to the California
pizza kitchen.
But then I looked--
Go, go, go.
Faster, faster. To the left!
To the left! Go, go, go, go.
I can't go any faster.
Go, you got this.
To the left, to the left!
He's right there! Come on.
[GRUNTS]
[CAR THUDS, TIRES SCREECH]
[SIGHS]
Thank god!
Do you think he's dead?
LEO:
Fuck you!
Ah, fuck.
[SIGHS]
Just run him over again.
[CAR DOORS OPEN AND SHUT]
Hey.
[COUGHING SOFTLY]
I was wrong.
And you were right.
And I'm really sorry
that it came down to this.
But I owe you a huge thank-you.
Because that tub is gonna look
fucking amazing in my house.
[LEO GASPING]
And it was an absolute pleasure
doing business with you.
Partner.
TASHA:
Food's here!
DELIVERY DRIVER:
Oh, my God.
Are you...
We've never been better.
Thank you.
Fuck, they dressed the salad.
[JANET SIGHS]
I'm gonna fucking kill someone.
That's what it said
on the ticket.
Dre-- Salad dressed.
[TASHA SIGHS]
[DOORS SHUT]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[]
Whoo!
Are you okay?
You go ahead.
I'm gonna check on something
really quick.
Okay.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[]
[SIGHS]
[]
[LASER GUNS FIRING
ON VIDEO GAME]
TASHA:
Then we mix equal parts
hydrogen peroxide
and dish soap,
and we soak it with cold water.
But we have
to be really careful.
You know, you don't want
to damage the fabric.
JANET:
Wow, it is really easy
to get blood stains
out of fabric.
[]
[]
[]