Close Relations (1933) Movie Script
Aagh!
Mr. Wart? Dr. Carver is here.
Well, what do you stand there
gaping for? Show him in.
Never seen a girl like it.
"The doctor comes here."
Thats what's wrong with these
nurses: they drive everybody crazy.
- Morning, Mr. Wart. -Here I'm sitting
here, and "Dr. Carver is here."
- Morning, Mr. Wart. -Well what do you
expect me to do? "Dr. Carver is here."
- He doesn't hear anything. -So Carver's
here. She's the dumbest I've ever seen.
- Good morning, Mr. Wart. -Can't expect
the doctor standing out in the rain.
- Maybe I ought to go out and come in?
- Man could catch cold waiting to see me.
- Woo-ooh! Woo-ooh! Mr. Wart!
- My doctor, a good fellow man, gonna...
- HELLO! -Oh, good morning,
Dr. Carver. Sit down.
Say, you're my closest friend.
I want you to do a favor for me.
Just imagine.
I want you to try to locate all the Wart
family. That is, those that are living.
If there's a Wart left on the
face of the earth, Ill get him.
Yes, but make sure they're
Warts and not Moles!
- Moles?
- Yes, Moles.
Many years ago, one of the Moles
married into the Wart family.
And they are known to be
mentally, uh... mentally, uh...
- Do you mean psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And I dont want any of my fortune left
to anyone whos got Mole blood in them.
Yeah... but how are you going
to tell a Wart from a Mole?
I can tell a Wart from a Mole
the minute I look at one.
Bah! The Moles are all crazy.
Mr. Wilbur Wart,
Believe you are one of missing Warts.
If you can prove you are a Wart,
suggest you come at once...
...as Uncle Ezra Wart
is drawing up a new will.
Signed, Dr. I. Carver.
Hmm... Lucky boy.
Say, could you tell me
what time the 8:15 leaves?
Why, you big blimp!
I'll help you, mister.
Let...
- I'm sorry, sir. -You're
sorry? You should be sorr...
Look out! Look what you're
doing to my suitcase.
Now wait a minute,
mister, I can explain.
Oh, you can explain, can you? Well,
listen: here's one for the trip.
And here's one for the fall.
And here's one for the suitcase!
And here's one for the...
All aboard!
If I didn't have to catch
this train, I'd murder you.
I hope I meet you again,
some place, some time.
Track 5, straight ahead.
- Hopsville train. -You've got lots of
time. The train is 20 minutes late.
- What? Do you mean to tell me I've
got 20 minutes to spare? -Yeah.
This is going to be the
happiest 20 minutes of my life.
- Have you got a sore
throat? -No, sir.
- Have you got something
in your eye? -No, sir.
- Have you got
teeth? -Yes, sir.
Well, you're gonna have a sore throat,
something in your eye, and no teeth!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Stand back here! Stop that
fight! Hey! Stand back!
Give 'em air there, watch that!
Get back there! Stop this!
And the next time I meet that guy, I'm
gonna give him another good licking.
Well, I've located the last two
remaining Warts: Harry and Wilbur.
- Where are they? -They'll be here today.
Mmm: nurse, Mr. Wart's pills, please.
Thanks. Now I feel better.
- Sounds as though someone was at
the door. -Hmm. How'd you guess it?
Did you ring?
Uh huh.
And who are you?
Me? Why, I'm Wilbur Wart.
Just imagine. Yes... yes... your face
looks like a Wart. Come right in.
Just come right in and sit
down. Make yourself at home.
Your uncle's been waiting for
you. This is Wilbur, your nephew.
How do you do, Uncle?
- Oh, I'm sorry, uncle, I'm sorry.
- That's alright. Accidents will happen!
- Please, please. -Guess he
doesnt like it. It hurts him.
Well, the other Wart, Harry,
will be here any minute now.
- Yeah... you've never met your
cousin Harry, have you? -No, Uncle.
Well, I hear he's a nice boy. I think
you two will get along well together.
- Just imagine. I guess somebody's at
the door again. -You guessed it again.
- Who are you?
- I'm a Wart.
Well, it looks like a regular
epidemic of Warts. Come in.
My, you're looking well!
This is your other nephew, Harry Wart.
Just the image of your father.
Meet your cousin, Wilbur.
How do you do...
I'm sorry, Uncle. I'm sorry!
You must remember, your uncle
isn't the Wart he used to be.
Nevermind that. Get down to business.
Tell them what they're here for.
Well, Warts, your great-grandmother
Lizzie Wart married a man named Mole...
...who, uh, well, to put it mildly,
was mentally, uh...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And I don't want to leave a dollar of my
fortune to anyone who's got Mole blood.
There's no Mole in me,
Uncle. I'm a real Wart.
Yes, sir. And there's
no bigger Wart than me!
Now, remember: if I catch any 1 of you 2
acting peculiar I'll know you're a Mole.
Just imagine.
Hey, Uncle. What's that?
Shhhh...
Nevermind that. I've got some
business with the doctor.
Take a walk. Get the
air. Get acquainted.
That's a good idea. Come on...
Now, wait. Uncle, if it's all the
same to you, can I stay inside?
No, get out. Get out!
Come on, come on.
We'll have a lot of fun...
Here. Now we're going to
get acquainted very good.
Wait a minute. Stand right up there.
- Do you see that?
- Uh huh.
You boys getting acquainted?
Yeah, we're doing alright, Uncle.
I'll see you later, Wilbur.
Alright, Harry.
What's that?
Alcohol. I'm going to
give you a rubdown.
Uncle, doggone it, you've always
got the best of everything.
Say, Uncle, what is that?
Shhh. That's just the reason why I dont
want any Mole blood in my family.
That's a Mole!
- Ohhh. Psychopathic.
- No. Nuts!
Sit down!
Nurse, youd better give
Mr. Wart two more of those pills.
Nurse ain't here, doc. Which
pills do you want to give him?
Two of those large ones
right on the table.
Oh...
Uncle, shut your eyes now
and open your mouth.
There.
Hey. Hey!
Hey, doc. He can't swallow these pills.
Oh, nonsense. Keep giving
him water until he does.
Water...
No use, doc. He can't take it.
Why, say, that isn't a pill.
This is a golf ball.
- Huh?
- Just imagine.
And... one of my golf balls,
too, I think! Yes, see?
See? There are my initials,
right in there.
Wait a minute. Let me get
it. Let me try, I'll get it.
Hey, doc. Let me speak to you a minute.
What's the matter?
What's the trouble here?
Well, that young man put a
golf ball in your uncles mouth.
And we can't seem to get
it out. Silly, isn't it?
Now, uncle, careful now. When I hit
you, you say "ah." Are you ready?
Just a minute. What club
are you using there?
It's a number 4 iron.
Pardon me for suggesting it but I really
think you're using the wrong club.
- You think so? -Oh, yes.
You're in the rough here.
What you really need is a niblick.
Pardon me, I've got some right here.
Now, when you have a lie like this,
I would always suggest that...
...that you hit about 4
inches back of the ball.
Right... right about in there. Take
out a little turf, if necessary.
Go ahead and try it.
You've nothing to lose.
Now say "ah," uncle. Get ready!
- He's swallowed it! -Well, well, well.
It's alright. It was an old ball anyway.
Be careful. Be careful! Be careful.
Here it is, here it is, here it
is... naw, that's a gallstone.
You've gotta hold him
now, doc. Hold him.
- Ho-ho! It moved,
it moved. -Good.
Ho-ho! It's creeping up. Right up
here. Here it is. Now a little...
Easy. Just a little now. Just a little,
just a little, just a little...
- Feel better, Uncle? -Oh, yes.
- That's fine. I think you've been...
I feel better.
Well, after all this excitement, your
uncle will have to keep very quiet.
Come with me, Wilbur.
You know, uncle...
...any guy that would stick a golf ball
in your mouth for a pill is slightly...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
- Do you think he is? -Think
it? Ha. Why, I'm positive.
But nevermind. I'll keep my eye on
him. In the meantime, you keep cool.
A Wart never gets hot!
Uncle, not that it's any of my business,
and I don't want to interfere...
...but you know, I think my
cousin Harry's just a trifle...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And if anything happens to you,
don't say I didnt warn you.
Oh, I'm burning up with a fever here!
- Go on, do something. Give me
some air! I'm choking. -Air?
Air! Air! Air!
Give me air. My fever is burning me up!
- Don't get excited, Uncle, I'll be right
with you. -I am excited. Give me air!
Keep quiet and I'll get the
doctor for you, Uncle. Doctor!
Oh, doctor! We're in trouble! Doctor?
Oh, where's the doctor? Take your time,
Uncle, I'll get him. Take your time.
Uncle!
- Quick. Some ice. I'm burning up.
I'm burning up! -Ice? -Ice. Ice.
- Ice, yes. -Ice.
Ice. Ice. Ice. Ice.
- Keep cool, Uncle, I'll get the
doctor. Doctor! -Some more ice.
- More ice. I'm burning! -Oh doctor!
Doctor! Help! Help! Doctor! Doct...
- What do you want?
Not now. Wait a minute. Uncle's in
trouble. You better come inside.
Here?
Aah! I'm freezing. Help me! Help
me! Im burning. I'm freezing. Aah!
- Oh, I'm burning. I'm burning. I'm freezing.
I'm freezing. -Come on, lie down.
I won't. I won't.
Let me out. Let me out.
Give me air! Let me out!
- Wait a minute. Where's
Uncle? -He's in the rug.
- And he's getting awful
heavy. Where'll I put him?
- Put him right down here.
- Let me out!
- Do you mean to say that Mr. Wart is
in there? -No, sir. He WAS in there...
Help! Help! Help!
Grab hold of the bucket,
Uncle. Ill pull you up!
- Alright, come on. -Hold on tight Uncle!
- Thats it. Come on, here he comes...
- Hang on tight now. -That's it. Hang on,
Mr. Wart. We'll get you up. There you...
Shucks!
- Come on, Uncle, grab a hold of that
rope again. -Are you alright, Uncle?
Is the fire out?
- Come on, come on.
- Try it again now.
- Now hang on. -Don't be discouraged,
Mr. Wart. -That's good.
Just a minute. What's
all this about?
- Why, who are you, anyway?
- Well, we're a couple of Warts.
- Warts? -I'm Wilbur Wart.
- Yeah, and I'm Harry Wart.
And we're Mr. Wart's nephews.
- Nephews? -Yes, sir, and we're
the sole heir to his fortune.
Fortune?
Why, he hasn't got a dime.
What?
- Do you mean to tell me that he
hasnt got a cent? -Not a cent.
Well, then, how about this
letter I got from Dr. Carver?
Yes, sir, and how about this telegram
that I got? Isn't that right, doctor?
"Dr." Carver? "Doctor"?
Oh, haha... I'm beginning to understand.
- Now, you see, I own this
sanitarium. -Sanitarium?
Why, certainly. But perhaps
I'd better explain to you.
You see, Carver here
thinks he's a doctor.
Just imagine.
And Mr. Wart thinks himself a very
wealthy man with thousands of relatives.
Silly, isn't it?
Now, he's always writing to them.
But we never mail his letters.
Why, where he even got the stamp for
the one he sent you is beyond me.
You see, everybody around
this place is, uh...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
Do you mean to say that that
pretty little nurse is...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
Boys...it's simply terrible to think...
...that the sins of the father should
so be visited upon the children...
..as to make them be subjected to incar-
ceration in an institution of this sort.
Silly, isn't it?
I'm awfully sorry, boys,
that all this has happened.
Why, if I'd known in time, I could
have saved you all this trouble.
Oh, uh...won't you have a cigar?
Come on, everybody.
Come on, come on!
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Uncle's in the well, his uncle's in
the well, Hi-ho, the derry-o, his...
Well, I'm a...mmm-
mmmmmm-mmm.
Shh.
Oh...
THE END
[English subs by adimond]
Mr. Wart? Dr. Carver is here.
Well, what do you stand there
gaping for? Show him in.
Never seen a girl like it.
"The doctor comes here."
Thats what's wrong with these
nurses: they drive everybody crazy.
- Morning, Mr. Wart. -Here I'm sitting
here, and "Dr. Carver is here."
- Morning, Mr. Wart. -Well what do you
expect me to do? "Dr. Carver is here."
- He doesn't hear anything. -So Carver's
here. She's the dumbest I've ever seen.
- Good morning, Mr. Wart. -Can't expect
the doctor standing out in the rain.
- Maybe I ought to go out and come in?
- Man could catch cold waiting to see me.
- Woo-ooh! Woo-ooh! Mr. Wart!
- My doctor, a good fellow man, gonna...
- HELLO! -Oh, good morning,
Dr. Carver. Sit down.
Say, you're my closest friend.
I want you to do a favor for me.
Just imagine.
I want you to try to locate all the Wart
family. That is, those that are living.
If there's a Wart left on the
face of the earth, Ill get him.
Yes, but make sure they're
Warts and not Moles!
- Moles?
- Yes, Moles.
Many years ago, one of the Moles
married into the Wart family.
And they are known to be
mentally, uh... mentally, uh...
- Do you mean psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And I dont want any of my fortune left
to anyone whos got Mole blood in them.
Yeah... but how are you going
to tell a Wart from a Mole?
I can tell a Wart from a Mole
the minute I look at one.
Bah! The Moles are all crazy.
Mr. Wilbur Wart,
Believe you are one of missing Warts.
If you can prove you are a Wart,
suggest you come at once...
...as Uncle Ezra Wart
is drawing up a new will.
Signed, Dr. I. Carver.
Hmm... Lucky boy.
Say, could you tell me
what time the 8:15 leaves?
Why, you big blimp!
I'll help you, mister.
Let...
- I'm sorry, sir. -You're
sorry? You should be sorr...
Look out! Look what you're
doing to my suitcase.
Now wait a minute,
mister, I can explain.
Oh, you can explain, can you? Well,
listen: here's one for the trip.
And here's one for the fall.
And here's one for the suitcase!
And here's one for the...
All aboard!
If I didn't have to catch
this train, I'd murder you.
I hope I meet you again,
some place, some time.
Track 5, straight ahead.
- Hopsville train. -You've got lots of
time. The train is 20 minutes late.
- What? Do you mean to tell me I've
got 20 minutes to spare? -Yeah.
This is going to be the
happiest 20 minutes of my life.
- Have you got a sore
throat? -No, sir.
- Have you got something
in your eye? -No, sir.
- Have you got
teeth? -Yes, sir.
Well, you're gonna have a sore throat,
something in your eye, and no teeth!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Stand back here! Stop that
fight! Hey! Stand back!
Give 'em air there, watch that!
Get back there! Stop this!
And the next time I meet that guy, I'm
gonna give him another good licking.
Well, I've located the last two
remaining Warts: Harry and Wilbur.
- Where are they? -They'll be here today.
Mmm: nurse, Mr. Wart's pills, please.
Thanks. Now I feel better.
- Sounds as though someone was at
the door. -Hmm. How'd you guess it?
Did you ring?
Uh huh.
And who are you?
Me? Why, I'm Wilbur Wart.
Just imagine. Yes... yes... your face
looks like a Wart. Come right in.
Just come right in and sit
down. Make yourself at home.
Your uncle's been waiting for
you. This is Wilbur, your nephew.
How do you do, Uncle?
- Oh, I'm sorry, uncle, I'm sorry.
- That's alright. Accidents will happen!
- Please, please. -Guess he
doesnt like it. It hurts him.
Well, the other Wart, Harry,
will be here any minute now.
- Yeah... you've never met your
cousin Harry, have you? -No, Uncle.
Well, I hear he's a nice boy. I think
you two will get along well together.
- Just imagine. I guess somebody's at
the door again. -You guessed it again.
- Who are you?
- I'm a Wart.
Well, it looks like a regular
epidemic of Warts. Come in.
My, you're looking well!
This is your other nephew, Harry Wart.
Just the image of your father.
Meet your cousin, Wilbur.
How do you do...
I'm sorry, Uncle. I'm sorry!
You must remember, your uncle
isn't the Wart he used to be.
Nevermind that. Get down to business.
Tell them what they're here for.
Well, Warts, your great-grandmother
Lizzie Wart married a man named Mole...
...who, uh, well, to put it mildly,
was mentally, uh...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And I don't want to leave a dollar of my
fortune to anyone who's got Mole blood.
There's no Mole in me,
Uncle. I'm a real Wart.
Yes, sir. And there's
no bigger Wart than me!
Now, remember: if I catch any 1 of you 2
acting peculiar I'll know you're a Mole.
Just imagine.
Hey, Uncle. What's that?
Shhhh...
Nevermind that. I've got some
business with the doctor.
Take a walk. Get the
air. Get acquainted.
That's a good idea. Come on...
Now, wait. Uncle, if it's all the
same to you, can I stay inside?
No, get out. Get out!
Come on, come on.
We'll have a lot of fun...
Here. Now we're going to
get acquainted very good.
Wait a minute. Stand right up there.
- Do you see that?
- Uh huh.
You boys getting acquainted?
Yeah, we're doing alright, Uncle.
I'll see you later, Wilbur.
Alright, Harry.
What's that?
Alcohol. I'm going to
give you a rubdown.
Uncle, doggone it, you've always
got the best of everything.
Say, Uncle, what is that?
Shhh. That's just the reason why I dont
want any Mole blood in my family.
That's a Mole!
- Ohhh. Psychopathic.
- No. Nuts!
Sit down!
Nurse, youd better give
Mr. Wart two more of those pills.
Nurse ain't here, doc. Which
pills do you want to give him?
Two of those large ones
right on the table.
Oh...
Uncle, shut your eyes now
and open your mouth.
There.
Hey. Hey!
Hey, doc. He can't swallow these pills.
Oh, nonsense. Keep giving
him water until he does.
Water...
No use, doc. He can't take it.
Why, say, that isn't a pill.
This is a golf ball.
- Huh?
- Just imagine.
And... one of my golf balls,
too, I think! Yes, see?
See? There are my initials,
right in there.
Wait a minute. Let me get
it. Let me try, I'll get it.
Hey, doc. Let me speak to you a minute.
What's the matter?
What's the trouble here?
Well, that young man put a
golf ball in your uncles mouth.
And we can't seem to get
it out. Silly, isn't it?
Now, uncle, careful now. When I hit
you, you say "ah." Are you ready?
Just a minute. What club
are you using there?
It's a number 4 iron.
Pardon me for suggesting it but I really
think you're using the wrong club.
- You think so? -Oh, yes.
You're in the rough here.
What you really need is a niblick.
Pardon me, I've got some right here.
Now, when you have a lie like this,
I would always suggest that...
...that you hit about 4
inches back of the ball.
Right... right about in there. Take
out a little turf, if necessary.
Go ahead and try it.
You've nothing to lose.
Now say "ah," uncle. Get ready!
- He's swallowed it! -Well, well, well.
It's alright. It was an old ball anyway.
Be careful. Be careful! Be careful.
Here it is, here it is, here it
is... naw, that's a gallstone.
You've gotta hold him
now, doc. Hold him.
- Ho-ho! It moved,
it moved. -Good.
Ho-ho! It's creeping up. Right up
here. Here it is. Now a little...
Easy. Just a little now. Just a little,
just a little, just a little...
- Feel better, Uncle? -Oh, yes.
- That's fine. I think you've been...
I feel better.
Well, after all this excitement, your
uncle will have to keep very quiet.
Come with me, Wilbur.
You know, uncle...
...any guy that would stick a golf ball
in your mouth for a pill is slightly...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
- Do you think he is? -Think
it? Ha. Why, I'm positive.
But nevermind. I'll keep my eye on
him. In the meantime, you keep cool.
A Wart never gets hot!
Uncle, not that it's any of my business,
and I don't want to interfere...
...but you know, I think my
cousin Harry's just a trifle...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
And if anything happens to you,
don't say I didnt warn you.
Oh, I'm burning up with a fever here!
- Go on, do something. Give me
some air! I'm choking. -Air?
Air! Air! Air!
Give me air. My fever is burning me up!
- Don't get excited, Uncle, I'll be right
with you. -I am excited. Give me air!
Keep quiet and I'll get the
doctor for you, Uncle. Doctor!
Oh, doctor! We're in trouble! Doctor?
Oh, where's the doctor? Take your time,
Uncle, I'll get him. Take your time.
Uncle!
- Quick. Some ice. I'm burning up.
I'm burning up! -Ice? -Ice. Ice.
- Ice, yes. -Ice.
Ice. Ice. Ice. Ice.
- Keep cool, Uncle, I'll get the
doctor. Doctor! -Some more ice.
- More ice. I'm burning! -Oh doctor!
Doctor! Help! Help! Doctor! Doct...
- What do you want?
Not now. Wait a minute. Uncle's in
trouble. You better come inside.
Here?
Aah! I'm freezing. Help me! Help
me! Im burning. I'm freezing. Aah!
- Oh, I'm burning. I'm burning. I'm freezing.
I'm freezing. -Come on, lie down.
I won't. I won't.
Let me out. Let me out.
Give me air! Let me out!
- Wait a minute. Where's
Uncle? -He's in the rug.
- And he's getting awful
heavy. Where'll I put him?
- Put him right down here.
- Let me out!
- Do you mean to say that Mr. Wart is
in there? -No, sir. He WAS in there...
Help! Help! Help!
Grab hold of the bucket,
Uncle. Ill pull you up!
- Alright, come on. -Hold on tight Uncle!
- Thats it. Come on, here he comes...
- Hang on tight now. -That's it. Hang on,
Mr. Wart. We'll get you up. There you...
Shucks!
- Come on, Uncle, grab a hold of that
rope again. -Are you alright, Uncle?
Is the fire out?
- Come on, come on.
- Try it again now.
- Now hang on. -Don't be discouraged,
Mr. Wart. -That's good.
Just a minute. What's
all this about?
- Why, who are you, anyway?
- Well, we're a couple of Warts.
- Warts? -I'm Wilbur Wart.
- Yeah, and I'm Harry Wart.
And we're Mr. Wart's nephews.
- Nephews? -Yes, sir, and we're
the sole heir to his fortune.
Fortune?
Why, he hasn't got a dime.
What?
- Do you mean to tell me that he
hasnt got a cent? -Not a cent.
Well, then, how about this
letter I got from Dr. Carver?
Yes, sir, and how about this telegram
that I got? Isn't that right, doctor?
"Dr." Carver? "Doctor"?
Oh, haha... I'm beginning to understand.
- Now, you see, I own this
sanitarium. -Sanitarium?
Why, certainly. But perhaps
I'd better explain to you.
You see, Carver here
thinks he's a doctor.
Just imagine.
And Mr. Wart thinks himself a very
wealthy man with thousands of relatives.
Silly, isn't it?
Now, he's always writing to them.
But we never mail his letters.
Why, where he even got the stamp for
the one he sent you is beyond me.
You see, everybody around
this place is, uh...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
Do you mean to say that that
pretty little nurse is...
- Psychopathic?
- No. Nuts!
Boys...it's simply terrible to think...
...that the sins of the father should
so be visited upon the children...
..as to make them be subjected to incar-
ceration in an institution of this sort.
Silly, isn't it?
I'm awfully sorry, boys,
that all this has happened.
Why, if I'd known in time, I could
have saved you all this trouble.
Oh, uh...won't you have a cigar?
Come on, everybody.
Come on, come on!
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Uncle's in the well, his uncle's in
the well, Hi-ho, the derry-o, his...
Well, I'm a...mmm-
mmmmmm-mmm.
Shh.
Oh...
THE END
[English subs by adimond]