Clueless (1995) Movie Script

# Looking out a dirty, old window?
# Outside the cars in the city
go rushing by?
# I sit here alone, and I wonder why?
# Friday night and everyone's moving?
# I can feel the heat?
# But it's soothing?
# Heading down?
# I search for the beat
in this dirty town?
# Downtown, the young ones are going?
# Downtown, the young ones are growing?
# We're the kids in America?
# We're the kids in America?
So, O.K., you're probably going,
Is this, like,
a Noxema commercial or what?
But seriously,
I actually have a way normal life
for a teenage girl.
I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth.
And I pick out my school clothes.
# They do it over there?
# But we don't do it here?
# Ooh, bop?
# Fashion?
# Turn to the left?
# Fashion?
# Turn to the right?
# Ooh, fashion?
Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.
Even Lucy, our maid,
is terrified of him.
And Daddy is so good,
he gets $500 an hour
to fight with people.
He fights with me for free.
Daddy!
Cher, please don't start
with the juice again.
Daddy, you need your Vitamin C.
Where's my briefcase?
It's been a couple months now.
Let's go to Malibu.
Don't tell me those lowlifes
have been calling again.
They are your parents.
Don't sneak out of the office.
Dr. Lovett's giving you a flu shot.
Josh is coming for dinner.
Why?
He's your stepbrother!
You were hardly married to his mother.
Why do I have to see Josh?
You divorce wives, not children.
Here.
Forget it!
Did I show you
the loqued out Jeep Daddy got me?
It's got four-wheel drive,
dual side airbags,
and a monster sound system.
I don't have a license yet,
but I need something to learn on.
Boy! That came out of nowhere!
Here's where Dionne lives.
She's my friend
because we both know what it's like
to have people jealous of us.
- Girlfriend!
- I must give her snaps
for her courageous fashion efforts.
Hey, Cher.
Dionne and I were both named
after great singers of the past
who now do infomercials.
So?
Been shopping with Dr. Seuss?
I wouldn't skin a collie for a backpack.
It's faux.
Hello! That was a stop sign.
I totally paused.
Yeah. O.K.
It's not even 8:30,
and Murray is paging me.
He is so possessive.
This weekend he called me,
and he's all, Where were you today?
Dionne and her boyfriend Murray
are in this dramatic relationship.
I think they've seen
that Ike and Tina Turner movie
just too many times.
Now, I have to say to her...
Why do you put up with it?
You could do better.
I know. Shh. Here he comes.
Woman, why don't you
be answering any of my pages?
I hate when you call me woman.
Where you been all weekend?
You jeepin' behind my back?
Jeepin'.
No! But speaking of vehicular sex,
perhaps you can explain
how this Kmart hair extension
got into the backseat of your car.
I don't know where that came from.
That looks like one of
your stringy something or anothers.
I do not wear polyester hair, O.K.?
Unlike Shawanna.
Dee, I'm Audi.
Bye.
That's it. I've had it with you.
Is it that time of the month again?
I don't know why
Dionne's going out
with a high school boy.
They're like dogs.
You have to clean them and feed them.
They're just like
these nervous creatures
that jump and slobber all over you.
Ew! Get off of me!
Oh, as if!
Should all oppressed people
be allowed refuge in America?
Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.
Cher, two minutes.
So. O.K.
Like, right now, for example,
the Haiti-ans need to come to America.
Some people are all,
What about
the strain on our resources?
Like, when I had this garden party
for my father's birthday, right?
I said RSVP because
it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that,
like, did not RSVP,
so I was, like, totally buggin'.
I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food,
squish in extra place settings.
By the end of the day,
it was, like, the more the merrier.
So if the government
could just get to the kitchen,
rearrange some things,
we could certainly
party with the Haiti-ans.
May I remind you
that it does not say RSVP
on the Statue of Liberty?
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Thank you very much.
Amber, reply?
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?
The topic is Haiti,
and she's talking about
some little party.
Hello! It was his 50th birthday.
Whatever.
If she doesn't do the assignment,
I can't do mine.
Ladies.
So, does anyone have
any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
Elton, comments?
Yeah, I can't find
my Cranberries CD.
I got to go to the quad
before somebody snags it.
I'm afraid I can't permit that.
Any further insights?
I have an insight, Mr. Hall.
I'm all ears.
O.K., like, the way I feel
about the Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going
to feel about Nine Inch Nails,
so I really shouldn't torment
my mom anymore, huh?
Yes, well, it's a little
off the subject of Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson.
Even when it comes out of nowhere.
And with that in mind,
I'm going to distribute
your report cards.
Now, is there
a Christian Stovitz in this class?
Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian
is that his parents have joint custody.
He'll be spending
one semester in Chicago
and one semester here.
I think it is a travesty
of the legal profession.
Thank you for that perspective, Cher.
Could all conversations
please come to a halt?
And could the suicide attempts
please be postponed
till the next period?
Suddenly, a dark cloud
settled over first period.
I got a C in Debate?
Dee?
Did you get your report card?
Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?
I totally choked.
My father's going to
go ballistic on me.
Mr. Hall was way harsh.
He gave me a C-minus.
He gave me a C,
which drags down my entire average.
Bye.
I'll call you.
Isn't my house classic?
The columns date
all the way back to 1972.
Wasn't my mom a Betty?
She died when I was just a baby.
A fluke accident
during a routine liposuction.
I don't remember her,
but I like to pretend
she still watches over me.
Hey, Mom. 98 in Geometry.
Pretty groovy, huh?
Yuck! The maudlin music
of the university station?
Wah wah wah!
Yuck! What is it about
college and crybaby music?
Hey.
Who's watching the Galleria?
The flannel shirt...
Is that a nod
to the crispy Seattle weather?
Or are you trying to stay warm
in front of the refrigerator?
Oh, wow, you're filling out there.
Oh, wow, your face is
catching up with your mouth.
I went by Dad's office.
He is not your dad.
Go torture a new family.
Just because my mother
marries someone else
doesn't mean he's my father.
That's exactly what it means.
I hope you're not
thinking of staying here.
I sure want to.
I got a place near school.
Shouldn't you go to school
on the East Coast?
I hear girls at NYU
aren't at all particular.
You're funny.
Hey!
You just got here, and already
you're playing couch commando.
In some parts of the universe,
it's considered cool to know
what's going on in the world.
I so need lessons
from you on how to be cool.
Tell me that part
about Kenny G. Again.
Come on, you chuckleheads!
Get in here!
Josh, are you still growing?
You look taller than you did at Easter.
I don't think so.
His head looks bigger.
So, Josh, have you given any thought
to our discussion about corporate law?
I think I'd like
to check out environmental law.
What for? You want to have
a miserable, frustrating life?
Josh will have that
no matter what he does.
He knows what he wants to do.
He's in a good college.
I'd like to see you
have some direction.
I have direction.
Yeah. Towards the mall.
Where's your report card?
It's not ready yet.
What do you mean
it's not ready yet?
Some teachers were trying
to lowball me, Daddy.
You say never accept a first offer.
These grades are a jumping-off point
to start negotiations.
Very good.
- Dee? -
Hello? - Yeah?
Yeah, Jake. What?
No! Not the afternoon!
You are such a brownnoser.
You are such
a superficial space cadet.
What makes you think your teachers
will change your grades?
Only the fact that I've done it
every other semester.
I told my P.E. teacher
an evil male had broken my heart.
So she raised my C to a B.
They're horrible! Don't feel bad!
And they're all like this.
Then I promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing
campaign to my congressman
about violations of the Clean Air Act.
But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.
He said my debates
were unresearched, unstructured,
and unconvincing.
As if!
I felt impotent and out of control,
which I really hate.
I needed to find sanctuary
in a place where
I could gather my thoughts
and regain my strength.
What's wrong?
Are you suffering from
buyer's remorse or something?
No. Nothing like that.
We've been shopping all day,
and I still don't know
what to do about Mr. Hall.
I've tried everything
to convince him
of my scholastic aptitude,
but I was brutally rebuffed.
He's a miserable little man
who wants to make
everyone else miserable, too.
Dee, that's it!
We've got to figure out a way
to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall...
He's single, he's 47,
and he earns minor ducats
at a thankless job.
What that man needs
is a good, healthy boink fest.
Unfortunately,
there was a major
babe drought in my school.
The evil trolls
from the math department
were actually married.
Ooh, Snickers.
And in the grand tradition
of P.E. teachers,
Ms. Stoeger seemed
to be same-sex oriented.
Of course, there was always Miss Geist.
Something told me
not to discount Miss Geist.
Well, sure,
she has runs in her stockings,
and her slip is always showing,
and she has more lipstick
on her teeth than on her mouth.
Popular uprisings from
estates to the general assembly!
God, this woman is
screaming for a makeover.
I'm her only hope.
Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May,
but thy eternal summer
shall not fade. "
Did you write that?
Tscha! It's a famous quote.
From where?
Cliffs Notes.
Run along. See you third period.
Try to remember
to bring our textbooks.
Oh, my God!
She actually looked happy.
Classic!
Paradoasm Banofshon...
16 tardies to work off.
Janet Hong... no tardies.
Travis Birkenstock... 38 tardies.
By far the most tardies in the class.
Congratulations.
This is so unexpected.
I didn't even have a speech prepared.
Uh, but I would like to say this.
Tardiness is not something
you can do all on your own.
Many, many people
contributed to my tardiness.
Thanks to my parents for never
giving me a ride to school,
the L.A. city bus driver for
taking a chance on an unknown kid,
the wonderful crew at McDonald's
for spending hours
making those Egg McMuffins,
without which
I might never be tardy.
If Mr. Birkenstock
has no political messages
to include in his speech,
I'll go on.
Cher Horowitz... two tardies.
I object!
Do you recall the dates
of these alleged tardies?
One was last Monday.
Mr. Hall,
I was surfing the crimson wave.
I had to haul ass to the ladies.
I assume you are referring
to women's troubles,
so I'll let that one slide.
Thank you, Mr. Hall.
Miss Geist was right about you.
What do you mean?
Well, she said that you were
the only one in this school
with any intelligence.
Cher, get in here.
Yes, Daddy?
Will you tell me
what the hell this is?
A second notice for
three outstanding tickets.
I don't remember
getting a first notice.
The ticket is the first notice.
I didn't know you could
get tickets without a license!
Sure you can.
You can get tickets anytime.
Well, not around here you can't.
From this moment on,
you will not drive,
sit, do anything in that Jeep
without a supervised driver.
No cruising around with Dionne.
Two permits do not
equal a license.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, Daddy.
Cher, I expect you
to become a good driver.
I will. I'm going to
practice real hard.
O.K.
A licensed driver
with nothing to do?
Where would I find such a loser?
Granola breath, you got
something on your chin.
I'm growing a goatee.
You don't want
to be the last one
at the coffeehouse
without chin pubes.
I enjoy these little chats of ours,
but in the interest of saving time,
just tell me what you want.
O.K.
So, actually, I have a permit,
but Daddy says
I can't take the Jeep out
without a licensed driver.
Since you're not doing anything...
What are the chances
of you shutting up
till you get your way?
Slim to none.
Come on.
Hey, James Bond.
In America, we drive
on the right side of the road.
I am. You try driving in platforms.
I got to get back to school.
Want to practice parking?
What's the point?
Everywhere you go has valet.
What class you going to?
Actually, I'm going
to a Tree People meeting.
We might get Marky Mark
to plant a celebrity tree.
How fabulous.
Getting Marky Mark to take time
from his busy
pants-dropping schedule
to plant trees.
Why don't you hire a gardener?
Maybe Marky Mark
wants to use his popularity
for a good cause,
make a contribution.
In case you've
never heard of that,
a contribution is...
I have donated
many Italian outfits to Lucy.
As soon as I get my license,
I fully intend
to brake for animals,
and I have contributed many hours
to helping two lonely teachers
find romance.
Which I'll bet serves
your interests more than theirs.
If I ever saw you do anything
that wasn't 90% selfish,
I'd die of shock.
Oh, that would be
reason enough for me.
Would you call me selfish?
No. Not to your face.
Really?
Is Josh giving you shit
because he's in
his postadolescent idealistic phase?
Look, there's Mr. Hall.
Mr. Hall! Mr. Hall!
Um, do you drink coffee?
Not from this cafeteria.
Yes, under normal circumstances.
I am such a retard.
When I was packing Daddy's lunch,
I gave him my lemon Snapple
and took his sucky Italian roast.
Do you want it?
You sure you don't want it?
Tscha! It might stunt my growth.
I want to be 5'10
like Cindy Crawford.
But I thought you or Miss Geist
might like it.
Maybe you could share it.
Well... thanks.
Sure.
- Miss Geist!
- Miss Geist!
Did you sign up
for the environmental fair?
We will.
You have pretty eyes.
Don't hide them.
These clips are so cute.
And this tiny little waist.
Look. Wow.
Girls.
Oh, don't forget to sign up
for the environmental fair.
Not a total Betty,
but a vast improvement.
We did our best.
We got to book to P.E.
Come on, Dee.
I feel like bailing, dude.
I know what you mean,
but at least it's exercise.
I feel like such a heifer.
I had two bowls of Special K,
three pieces of turkey bacon,
five peanut butter M&M's,
and, like, three pieces of licorice.
Oh, my God. Look.
Is that a photo op or what?
Look at that body language...
Legs crossed towards each other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits.
Look at Geist. She is so cute.
Ohh.
Old people can be so sweet.
# The world is full of fools?
# Who never get it right?
# You don't know what to do?
# So you do anything you like?
# Put your feet in drive?
# Oh, you're a silly thing?
# Put your feet in drive?
# You're such a pretty thing?
# You're going out tonight?
# There's nothing to lose...?
The entire student body
was utterly grateful
for the improvement
in their grades.
# Don't ever change?
# No, never change?
Cher, what's this all about?
My report card?
The same semester?
Uh-huh.
What did you do?
Turn in extra credit?
No.
Take the midterms over?
Uh-uh.
You mean to tell me
that you argued your way
from a C-plus to an A-minus?
Totally based
on my powers of persuasion.
You proud?
I couldn't be happier
if they were based on real grades.
Fabulous.
I felt so satisfied,
I wanted to do more good deeds.
Ah-choo!
Dee, when your allergies act up,
take out your nose ring.
Follow through! There you go.
There you go.
All right, Cher!
Earth to Cher. Come in, Cher.
Ms. Stoeger...
I would just like to say
that physical education
in this school is a disgrace.
I mean, standing in line
for 40 minutes
is hardly aerobically effective.
I doubt I worked off the calories
in a stick of Carefree gum.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
You exercised your mouth, Cher.
Hit the ball.
Ms. Stoeger,
that machine is just
a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Thanks for the legal advice.
Dionne, you're up.
I have a note from
my tennis instructor
saying I shouldn't expose myself
to any training
that might derail his teachings.
Fine.
Amber!
My plastic surgeon doesn't
want me doing any activity
where balls fly at my nose.
Well, there goes your social life.
Ms. Stoeger...
got another one.
Ladies, we have
a new student with us.
This is Tai Frasier.
You could hit a few balls
in those clothes.
She could be a farmer
in those clothes.
Dee, my mission is clear.
Would you look at that girl?
She is so adorably clueless.
We've got to adopt her.
She is toe up.
Our stock would plummet.
Don't you want to use
your popularity for a good cause?
No.
Come here! Yeah, come here.
Hang with us.
Oh, thank you.
How do you like California?
Man, I'm freakin'.
I could really use some sort
of herbal refreshment.
We do lunch in 10 minutes.
We don't have any tea,
but we have Coke.
You guys got coke here?
Yeah. This is America.
So we decided to show Tai
the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
That is Alana's group over there.
They do the TV station.
They think that's the most
important thing on Earth.
And that's the Persian Mafia.
You can't hang with them
unless you own a BMW.
There's Elton in the white vest,
with all the most popular boys.
Including my boyfriend.
Ain't he cute?
If you decide
to date a high school boy,
they're the only acceptable ones.
Which one of them's your boyfriend?
As if!
Cher's got attitude
about high school boys.
It's a personal choice
every woman has got
to make for herself.
Woman, lend me $5.00.
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly
not to call me woman.
Excuse me, Miss Dionne,
street slang is an increasingly
valid form of expression.
Most feminine pronouns
do have mocking
but not necessarily
misogynistic undertone.
Wow. You guys talk like grownups.
Well, this is a really good school.
I'm going to go get a soda.
Do you guys want?
Sure.
She's nice.
Ooh! Project!
Oh, wow.
That's disgusting.
That's a nice representation.
Thanks.
Those are really nice stickers.
I was thinking it was too cluttered.
I want to concentrate on
one main decorative statement,
like Marvin the Martian right there.
I can do Marvin the Martian.
Really?
I mean there's not
really a lot to him,
but you want to see?
Yeah.
That's really cool.
Thanks.
Wait. I got one here.
You didn't trace these?
Uh-uh. No.
Here's another one over here...
and lots of little guys.
That is so cute.
You're really good at it.
No.
No, really. You are.
Yeah.
Are you sure that's fat free?
Oh, yes.
And you lose weight
by cutting it small.
I met a really cool guy.
Describe.
He's got long hair.
Straight off he offers me some smoke.
There he is!
Are you talking about drugs?
Yeah.
Tai, how old are you?
I'll be 16 in May.
My birthday's in April,
and as someone older,
can I please give you some advice?
It is one thing
to spark up a doobie at parties,
but it is another
to be fried all day.
Do you see the distinction?
Yeah.
Loadies generally hang
on the grassy knoll.
Sometimes they come to class
and say bonehead things,
and we all laugh, of course,
but no respectable girl
actually dates them.
You don't want to start off
on the wrong foot, do you?
I've got an idea.
Let's do a makeover.
No. No.
Cher's main thrill
in life is a makeover.
It gives her a sense of control
in a chaotic world.
Please?
Sure. Why not?
You guys, I've never had
straight friends before.
# I don't care?
# What my teachers say?
# I'm gonna be a supermodel?
# And everyone?
# Is gonna dress like me?
# Wait and see?
# When I'm a supermodel?
# And my hair will shine like the sea?
# And everyone?
# Will want to look?
# Just like me?
# Eeee?
# 'Cause I'm young?
# I'm hip?
# And so beautiful?
# I'm going to be a supermodel?
Squeeze your buttocks when you come up.
Squeeze in.
I don't want to do this anymore.
My buns don't feel
nothing like steel.
O.K. It will get easier.
I promise.
Just as long as
we do it every day, not sporadically.
How do you know
if we're doing it sporadically?
We've got to work
on your accent and vocabulary.
Sporadic means once in a while.
Use it in a sentence today.
From now on,
we're alternating
Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize
and Buns Of Steel
and reading one
nonschool book a week.
My first book is Fit Or Fat.
Mine is Men Are From Mars,
Women Are From Venus.
Good.
That takes care
of our minds and bodies,
but we should do
something good for mankind
for a couple of hours.
Hey, brainiac.
Ugh. The dreaded ex.
Tai, this is Josh.
Nice to meet you.
Hey! You know about this stuff.
I want to do something
good for humanity.
How about sterilization?
Ha ha ha!
So what do you think?
I'm amazed.
That I am devoting myself
so generously to someone else?
That you found someone
more clueless than you are
to worship you.
I am rescuing her from teenage hell.
The wounds of adolescence
can take years to heal.
You've never had a mother.
You're acting out on that poor girl
like your Barbie doll.
Freshman Psych.
I am not taking Psych.
I am going to take that lost soul
and make her well-dressed and popular.
Her life will be better
because of me.
How many girls can
say that about you?
# Mentos better?
# Mentos fresher?
# Fresh goes better?
# With Mentos,
fresh and full of life!?
Mentos.
The freshmaker.
Be seeing ya.
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
Do you see how boys
are responding?
My heart is totally bursting.
I know!
Cher, you have Deamer?
Geist.
Hey, Tai, did you get a flyer?
Uh-uh.
Wow! A party!
It's in the Valley.
The cops usually break them up
in less than an hour,
and it takes that long to get there.
It's just local loadies.
Do you guys think
Travis will be there?
I thought we moved
on from there.
Don't sell yourself short.
You've got something no one here has.
I'm not a virgin.
As far as everyone's concerned,
you're the most popular girl
in your school.
The fact that you hang
with Dee and I, well...
Speaks very highly of you.
If you strike
while the iron is hot,
you can have any guy
that you want.
Like who?
Who's available?
There's Bronson...
I got it! Elton!
He just broke up with Folette!
Who's Elton?
He's way popular,
like the social director of the Crew.
His dad can get you into any concert.
I noticed him scoping you out.
He was looking at me?
Says you gave him a toothache.
How'd I do that?
He thought you were sweet.
Yeah?
Yeah? Wow!
Is that true?
No.
You are so bad!
O.K., you guys,
all get together.
That is great.
Smile!
Tai, get a little closer.
Closer, Tai.
Oh, great.
Hey, Elton, um...
why don't you put
your arm around Tai?
All right.
Yeah, that's good.
O.K.
O.K. Tai. Come here, Tai.
Hold that.
O.K.
O.K.
Cool picture.
Doesn't she look classic?
Yeah, she's beautiful.
She's like one of
those Botticelli chicks.
Why don't you make me
a copy of this, O.K.?
Sure.
Hi, Daddy. This is my friend Tai.
Get out of my chair!
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
What is this crap?
It's from the
Cut Your Cholesterol Cookbook.
Dr. Lovett says that
you've got to get down to 200.
No calls tonight.
But it's Dionne.
It might be important.
We're having a nice family dinner.
So, uh, what did you do
in school today?
Well...
I broke in my purple clogs.
Yeah, hello?
Dee? What up?
So check it.
Murray's Geometry class
is right by Elton's locker.
Taped up inside
was the picture of Tai.
Oh, my God.
Elton's got a picture of you
in his locker.
Oh, no shit!
Hello?
The whole crew is going to this party
in the Valley.
Bye.
We're going to have
to make a cameo at the Val party.
I said I wanted it
in the morning! No!
Just look at the top of the map.
Sun Valley is north.
No. All I see is Bel Air.
You're on the wrong map.
Look at the number on the top.
There are no numbers.
There's letters.
Uh!
Murray, shut up.
Listen, Tai, when we get there,
make sure Elton sees you,
but don't say hi first.
Look like you're having
fun and you're popular.
Talk to a guy in his eyeline.
Make him come to you.
Find an excuse to leave
during the conversation.
Always have him wanting more.
I got it.
Heads up!
Oh! Did you just see that?
Skateboards.
That is, like, so five years ago.
You guys came. That's great.
You want a beer?
I'll get you a beer.
No.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
This shit is whack.
This is ragin'.
Let's do a lap before
we commit to a location.
Aah! Hey!
Who was that?
Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you was wearing yesterday?
Say, Ambular.
Hi!
Was that you going
through my laundry?
As if!
Like I would really
wear something from Judy's.
Do you prefer fashion victim
or ensembly challenged?
Uh!
That clone.
You look much better
in that dress.
Hey!
Ruin my satin shoes,
why don't you?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me. My shoes.
Uh!
This is so not fixable.
It's a small price to pay
to the party gods.
Look, I'll make amends.
How about some chronic shit?
It's the least you can do.
Let's spark it.
Hey, Elton's over there.
Act like Travis is
saying something funny.
Sorry.
Ha ha ha!
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Oh, here.
Hey, everyone.
Let's play suck and blow.
God, Elton! Can't you suck?
Aah! No!
It's Dee! Come on!
What have you done?
Oh, my God!
Why did you do this to your head?
'Cause I'm keeping it real.
Look what he's done!
Can you believe this?
Look at Lawrence's head.
It's the bomb!
You look good!
As will you.
What do you care what he thinks?
I have to look at you.
What am I going to do with you now?
Right before the yearbook pictures?
What will I tell my grandchildren?
You know what?
O.K. That's it.
I'm calling your mother.
Hold up! No, no, no!
Wait! Don't call my mom!
Yo, man! Chill! Chill!
Don't call my mom!
The same thing happened
at the spring dance.
She spent the entire
afterparty in the bathroom.
That almost destroyed my buzz.
I'm still baked.
What do you say
we go bump into people?
Yeah. I'm cool with that.
Hey, Tai! Wait up!
Are you O.K.?
Yeah. Where's your sense
of good hospitality?
That was so cool
the way you did that.
I wish I could do it.
Oh, no. Don't.
Why not?
If girls did it,
how would guys impress them?
I don't know, like...
stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Tai, I need you.
Elton's over there.
# Rollin' with my homies?
# Rollin' with my homies?
Tai!
Tai! Elton, help me!
Use this.
You guys should use ice.
Travis, we've got it under control!
Tai, are you O.K.?
Travis, Tai would have wanted you
to enjoy the party.
If it's a concussion,
keep her conscious.
Ask her questions.
What's 7 times 7?
Stuff she knows.
That's some bump you got there.
Yeah.
You ready to go back out there?
Yeah, I am.
You sure? Can you do this?
# Rollin' with the homies?
# Rollin' with the homies?
Good! Let's do it.
You're ready.
I had to give myself snaps
for all the good deeds I was doing.
It was great. Love was everywhere,
and even though I was alone,
I was really happy for Tai.
It's like that book
I read in ninth grade
that said,
'Tis a far, far better thing
doing stuff for other people. "
Hello?
Do you know what time it is?
A watch doesn't really go
with this outfit, Daddy.
Where are you?
Having a snack with my girlfriends.
Where, in Kuwait?
Is that in the Valley?
I expect you to walk
in this door in 20 minutes.
Well, um, it might take
longer than that, Dad.
Everywhere in L.A.
takes 20 minutes.
Sorry to make you leave.
Dionne's bucking for
best dramatic actress at a Val party.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, Summer.
Hi. Pretty random fiesta.
Want a ride home?
That would be great. Thanks.
No, I got her.
I'm right below Wilshire and Linden.
That's right near me.
I'm above Olympic.
Great. Tai will go with Summer.
Cher, you'll come with me.
Actually, if you
take Wilshire to Canon,
that turns into Benedict.
Then she'd have to go back south,
and I'm already going north.
But you could take Tai
on your way up to Sunset.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'd have to get off the freeway.
I hate that.
Tai, go with Summer.
Cher, you'll come with me.
Watch your feet.
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
# Away?
# Turn away?
# Turn away?
I really love her hair
when it's all wild, you know?
It's also very pretty
when it's all up
with that curly tendrils,
like in that picture I took.
You know,
you're one of my best friends,
and I do not have friends
that are girls.
Well, I'm glad, because
your happiness means a lot to me.
It does?
Sure. I saw how hard
your breakup with Folette was.
Yeah. I think we both know
what it feels like to be lonely.
Whatever.
The thing is, I'd really
like to see you settled.
Where are we going?
I knew it.
I knew it.
You knew what?
That you were
totally sprung on me.
Hello? Don't you mean Tai?
Tai?
Her picture's in your locker.
The picture you took
is in my locker.
Oh, I'm having
a Twin Peaks experience.
I knew it when you kissed me.
Suck and blow is a game, Elton.
I know it's a game.
Stop it!
Fine.
You know, I don't get you, Cher.
You flirt with me all year...
As if!
I have been trying
to get you with Tai!
Tai?
Why would I go with Tai?
Why not?
Don't you even know
who my father is?
You are a snob and a half.
Cher, listen to me.
Me and Tai...
we don't make any sense.
All right?
Me and... and you...
well, I mean...
it makes sense.
Cut it out!
Come on!
Stop it!
Cher!
Where you going?
You're only hurting
yourself here, baby.
You going to walk home?
Get back in the car, please.
Get back in the car.
Leave me alone!
Fine!
Hey! Where are you going?
Oh, shit!
Valley information.
Do you have a number of a cab company?
Which one?
I don't know. What do you have?
Hand it over.
Give me the phone.
O.K. The bag, too.
Come on!
All right. Now, uh...
get down on the ground face down.
Come on!
Oh, no. You don't understand.
This is an Alaia.
An a-what-a?
It's, like, a totally
important designer.
I will totally
shoot you in the head.
Get down!
That's good.
Yeah. All right.
Um...
Count to 100. Thank you.
1...
2... 3...
The evening had turned
into a royal mess...
sexually harassed,
robbed.
I didn't know the number of the party,
so I couldn't call Dionne,
and Daddy would kill me
if he knew where I was.
There was just one person left to call,
and I really, really
didn't want to call him.
Come on.
Hello?
Josh, you busy?
It's Mel's daughter.
I was at this party,
and my designated driver
tried to attack me.
I got out,
but then he drove off
and deserted me.
Then this guy
with a gun held me up,
took my money and my phone,
yelled at me, and
forced me to ruin my dress.
O.K. O.K.
Um, where are you?
Sun Valley.
Man, you owe me.
The man is ridiculous.
He doesn't have one unique thought
in his little, puny brain.
I think that there's some merit
in learning form straight off.
Oh, Josh, please!
He's taken our minds
at the most fecund point
and restrained them
before they've wandered
through the garden of ideas.
It's just like Hamlet said,
To thine own self be true.
No. Hamlet didn't say that.
I think that I remember
Hamlet accurately.
Well, I remember
Mel Gibson accurately,
and he didn't say that.
That Polonius guy did.
Ha ha ha!
I'm going to walk
Heather to her door.
Try and stay out of trouble.
Ew! My life is turning into
a bigger disaster than Malibu.
I didn't know what
I was going to say to Tai.
I felt really nervous.
Even Fabian, my masseuse,
said I had a lot of tension in my back.
- It's my hips, isn't it?
- No, of course not.
Don't be stupid.
You could do so much better.
He thinks he's all that, Tai.
Yeah. God's gift.
You're too good for him.
If I'm too good for him,
then how come I'm not with him?
I have got an idea.
Let's blow off
seventh and eighth,
go to the mall,
have a calorie fest,
and see the new Christian Slater.
Yes!
Oh, you guys!
Look at him. Ooh, baby.
Break me off a piece of that.
Ha ha ha!
Survey says?
Doable.
Puny. I like them big.
Oh, I hate muscles.
I don't really care either way.
Just as long as his you-know-what
isn't crooked.
I really hate that.
What?
Shh! Don't scare her.
Why? What's wrong?
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
Cher, you're a virgin?
God! You say it like
it's a bad thing.
Besides, the PC term
is hymenally challenged.
I am not interested in doing it
until I find the right person.
You see how picky I am about my shoes.
They only go on my feet.
You're one to talk, Dee.
Oh, wait a minute!
I thought that
you and Murray were...
My man is satisfied.
He's got no cause
for complaints.
But technically,
I am a virgin.
You know what I mean.
Oh, God.
What's wrong, Tai?
They're playing our song...
The one that Elton
and I danced to.
Oh.
# Rollin' with the homies?
Oh, Tai.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my gosh.
Stop!
I could tell Tai's grieving period
would be considerable,
unless I found someone
to take Elton's place right away.
I don't want to be a traitor
to my generation,
but I don't get how guys dress today.
It looks like they just fell out of bed
and put on some baggy pants
and take their greasy hair... Ugh!
And cover it up with a backwards cap,
and, like, we're expected to swoon?
I don't think so.
Searching for a boy in high school
is as useless as searching for meaning
in a Pauly Shore movie.
So this must be the elusive Christian.
Where should I park?
There's one. Third back.
O.K. O.K.
Now, I know I said
I would find a guy for Tai,
but I suppose there's no harm
in finding one for myself also.
Nice stems.
Thanks.
Cher?
Present.
We established that during attendance.
It's time for your oral.
Excuse me?
Your original oral.
Violence in the media.
Oh!
So, O.K.
The attorney general says
there's too much violence on TV,
and that should stop.
Even if you took out
all the violent shows,
you could still see the news.
So until mankind
is peaceful enough
not to have violence on the news,
there's no point
in taking it out of shows
that need it for entertainment value.
Thank you.
Any comments? Elton?
My foot hurts.
Can I go to the nurse?
Travis?
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Fine holiday fun.
Hello? Was I the only one listening?
I mean, I thought it reeked.
I believe that was
your designer impostor perfume.
I dug it.
During the next few days,
I did what any normal girl would do.
I sent myself love letters
and flowers and candy,
just so he'd see how desired I was
in case he didn't already know.
# He got the finest face I ever seen?
# And the body to go with it?
# I'm telling you, he's mean?
# And my girlfriends be telling me?
# They be seeing him
and he be asking about me?
And anything you can do
to draw attention
to your mouth is good.
Also, sometimes
you have to show a little skin.
This reminds guys of being naked,
and then they think of sex.
Hey, Duchess?
Yes?
You rashin' this weekend?
Huh?
Like Saturday.
I'm new, but I thought maybe
you had an in on the heavy clambakes.
Well, my ex-stepbrother's friends
are having a party.
Solid.
Daddy had an urgent case.
Some clerks and Josh helped him
go through a gazillion depositions.
- Daddy!
- What?
I can't open it.
I have to make him wait!
Then he can wait outside.
Josh, please!
Come on, Josh!
Come on!
What do you hear?
She's not ready.
Hey, man.
Nice pile of bricks you got here.
You drink?
No, thanks. I'm cool.
I'm not offering.
I'm asking you if you drink.
You think I'd give alcohol
to teenage drivers
taking my daughter out?
The protective vibe. I dig.
You think the death of Sammy Davis
left an opening in the Rat Pack?
Christian.
Doll face.
Handsome.
Stunning.
You're not letting her
go out like that, are you?
Cher, get in here.
- What's up?
- What the hell is that?
A dress.
Says who?
Calvin Klein.
It looks like underwear.
Go upstairs and put
something over it.
Tscha! I was just going to.
Hey, you.
Anything happens to my daughter,
I got a. 45 and a shovel.
I doubt anybody would miss you.
Bye, Daddy.
Come on.
Oh, it's so killer!
Thank you.
Your dad is pretty scary.
Isn't he?
You like Billie Holiday?
I love him.
Right.
# Who do you think is coming to town?
# You'll never guess who?
# Lovable, hugable...?
I didn't like him.
What's to like?
Maybe I should go to the party.
If you feel like you should go...
You don't need me, do you?
No, no.
Josh, go to the party.
Go, go, go.
O.K.
Uh...
I'll watch her for you.
O.K.
You do that.
# There was a place?
# And the name of the place escapes me?
# When I can't remember,
it irritates me?
# Could be I can't remember?
# Could be I choose to not?
# Let's move along the song
and try to find the plot?
# There was a girl?
# And I don't know
her name, either?
# She gave me love,
and I said I'd never leave her?
# And if I did, I'd come back
someday and find her?
# Maybe I will,
I should write up a reminder?
# One day?
# One day, who knows?
# Someday?
# Someday I suppose...?
Tai!
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
Tai, are you O.K.?
Shit! That is so embarrassing!
No one saw it.
Now all night long,
I'll be known as
that girl who fell on her butt.
Wow! Are you O.K.?
That looked really bad.
Yeah. Thanks.
Oh, my God, Cher. Look.
He's going with Amber?
No. He's probably
just dancing with her.
Do you think she's pretty?
No. She's a Monet.
What's a Monet?
It's like the paintings, see?
From far away, it's O.K.
Up close, it's a big old mess.
Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Hagsville.
See?
They're charging for brewskies.
Pass me a fin,
I'll pay you back?
Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, he's so cute.
Oh, my God.
Do you see how
he's falling in love with me?
I mean, look how
he ignores every other girl.
Oh, God, look.
There's Josh.
He finds the only adult in here,
like he's deliberately
trying to not have fun.
Cher, I have a question.
What should I do with this thing?
Should I tie it around
or put it over...
Tie it around your waist.
Ready to slide?
Let's go.
# Where did you go?
# Where did you go?
# Where did you go?
# Where did you go?
# Where did you go?
# You played a tape
I couldn't hear?
# Emptiness began to roam,
and where did you go?
The band was kickin',
and Christian was
the hottest guy there.
But my enjoyment was put on pause
when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
#... Wish you sent me
this would end?
# Wrote a note,
then tore it up?
# Poured the beer into a cup,
sat on the couch?
# Drank and smoked,
wondering where did you go...?
Hi.
I think we were born to move.
Look! Josh is dancing with Tai!
He never dances!
I can see why.
No. He's doing her a prop
so she won't be left out.
Oh, I dig you.
# Get on the floor,
and let's dance some more?
# Get on the floor, and
let's dance some more?
# Get on the floor,
and let's dance some more?
# Get on the floor, and
let's dance some more?
- How are you guys holding up?
- I am so ready to leave.
I'm tired.
Let's get Christian and go.
Christian!
- You want to go?
- Now?
These guys got the skinny
on the happening after hours.
My trainer's coming really early.
I can take the girls home.
No. That's all right. Thanks.
No. It's fine. Stay.
- You sure?
- Yeah, sure.
Thanks, man. You got my mark.
You are a down girl.
I'll call you tomorrow.
It was really decent of you
to dance with Tai.
My pleasure.
You notice any
positive changes in her?
Yeah. Under your tutelage,
she's exploring the challenging world
of bare midriffs.
So you didn't want
to make a night of it
with the ring-a-ding kid?
Daddy won't go too ballistic.
It's not like he'll sleep.
Not if they're going to
finish those depos.
It would be dope if we got
some really delicious take-out.
I bet they haven't
eaten all night.
That would be
pretty... dope of us.
Let's do it.
The midnight snack
totally revived the lawyers,
and Daddy was way grateful.
Eat oranges. Get Vitamin C.
Daddy, no!
Cher, come on.
You can't have that.
I know it sounds mental,
but sometimes I have
more fun vegging out
than when I go partying.
Maybe because my party clothes
are so binding.
How many hours a day
do you spend grooming yourself?
Some people aren't lucky enough
to be as naturally
adorable as you are.
Stop it. You're making me blush.
Hello.
Hi, Cher. How are you?
Hi, Gail.
Is my son there,
cleaning out your refrigerator?
No, no, he's not here.
You should try the dorms.
All right. Bye, hon.
Bye-bye.
What was that all about?
She wants me to come home
for spring break.
So? Nobody will be in school.
Husband number four's at home,
and his idea of acting
like a family is to criticize me.
You're going to roam
around campus by yourself?
I don't mind.
That is stupid.
Come here. Have your old room.
There will be some great parties.
No.
Why not?
You got your whole
social world going on.
I'd get in the way.
You won't be in the way.
How much fun would it be
having a brother-type tagging along?
Josh, you're not my brother.
You know what I mean.
Come on. You need
some excitement in your life.
It will replenish you
for your finals.
O.K.
Good.
I can't believe
I'm taking advice
from someone who watches cartoons.
Be quiet, you idiot!
That's Ren & Stimpy.
They're way existential.
Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?
No. Why, do I sound like I do?
Ha ha!
Christian said he'd call the next day.
In boy time, that meant Thursday.
You can imagine my astonishment
to hear from him
while I was packing Daddy up.
He said he'd come over
with some videotapes.
A night alone with Christian?
I sent for reinforcements.
Then Dee and I had
to design a lighting concept.
And costume decisions.
I don't rely on mirrors,
so I always take Polaroids.
# And you're the one
I've always planned to be...?
Whenever a boy comes,
you should always
have something baking.
# I believe I'm you?
# Yes, I do?
# I believe I'm you?
# You know it's true?
Oh... I'm still all red!
I'm trying to make you
as white as I can, Cher.
Look, you're all flushed.
You have to calm down, O.K.?
Calm.
You know, I am so glad I never did it
with someone I had lukewarm feelings for
because Christian is brutally hot,
and I am going to
remember tonight forever.
Blot.
Hi.
Is something burning?
Oh, my God!
Oops.
Aw, honey, you baked.
I tried.
Come on. Show me
the rest of your pad.
Your father has
a well-rounded collection.
Daddy says it's a good investment.
He's absolutely right.
Claes Oldenburg.
He's way famous.
Ooh.
But this is older, see?
Transitional.
A very important piece.
Um, you want to go swimming?
Mmm.
Let's watch the movies.
Oh, O.K.
Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis,
so he brought over Some Like It Hot
and Sparatacus.
Singer of songs.
For whom did you practice
this wondrous talent?
For the children of my master,
whom I also taught the classics.
Classics, indeed?
What position have we, I wonder,
for a boy of such varied gifts?
You shall be my body servant.
All of you, come with me.
My feet are cold.
Huh. Thanks.
Oh, watch this part.
This is good.
Are you O.K.?
Uh, I'm fine.
Um, do you want some...
something to drink?
I could get you some wine.
No. You notice how wine makes people
want to feel, like, sexy?
Well, that's O.K.
I'm actually getting tired.
But I can make you
some coffee if you'd like.
Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.
But you had all
those cappuccinos before.
Oh. Well, you know,
that was, like, uh, foam.
You're great.
We're friends, right?
Yeah.
Knock me a little kiss.
See you.
I don't get it.
Did my hair get flat?
Did I stumble into
some bad lighting?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing.
Maybe he really was tired.
I suppose it wasn't meant to be.
He does dress better than I do.
What would I bring
to the relationship?
Get back into the right lane...
What's the first thing you do?
First thing I do
is put on my blinker.
- Oh, wait. Shit.
- Watch the road!
Stop. Then I look
in my mirror. O.K.
Then I glance
at my blind spot.
With your head,
not the whole car!
I swear to God.
I swear to God, woman!
You can't drive for shit!
I'm not trying to hear that.
Hear me! You...
Actually, going all the way
is, like, a really big decision.
I can't believe I was
so capricious about it.
Dee, I almost had sex with him.
You almost had sex with who?
Christian.
What?
Yo, look!
Are you bitches blind or something?
Your man Christian is a cake boy.
- A what?
- A what?
He's a disco-dancing,
Oscar-Wilde-reading,
Streisand ticket-holding
friend of Dorothy.
Uh-uh. No way.
He's gay.
Not even.
Yes, even.
He does like to shop, Cher,
and the boy can dress.
Oh, my God.
I'm totally buggin'.
I feel like such a bonehead.
What the hell?
Yo! You're getting on the freeway!
Turn right! Get out of the lane!
No, no! Forget procedure!
Get out of the lane!
Truck! Truck! Truck!
We're on the freeway!
What do I do, Murray?
Go straight! Go straight!
Go straight!
Oh, shit!
Just relax and drive, baby.
Just relax and drive.
O.K.
I'm here with you. I'm here with you.
Shut up!
Aah!
Whatever you do,
keep your hands
on the wheel at all times!
Aah!
Look, just go!
Aah!
Go to the right!
Oh, there it is.
All right, we're off.
Woo!
Damn. You did wonderful.
It's all right, baby.
Relax, relax, relax.
Honey, relax. Baby, relax.
Breathe, breathe.
Breathe in. Breathe.
Let it out.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Relax, relax.
Boy, getting off the freeway
makes you realize
how important love is.
After that, Dionne's virginity
went from technical to nonexistent.
I realized how much I wanted
a boyfriend of my own.
Not that Christian wasn't
a blast to hang out with.
He was becoming one of
my favorite shopping partners.
So was the red.
Um, where's Tai?
She met some random guys
at the Foot Locker
and escorted them right over there.
Oh, my God! Did you...
I don't know where
she meets these Barneys.
I have a question, all right?
What?
The jacket...
Is it James Dean
or Jason Priestley?
Carpe diem, O.K.?
You looked hot in it.
Really?
If I fall, would you guys catch me?
Could they please be more generic?
Aah! Stop it!
Please!
Bring me back up!
Aah!
Let me down!
Thank you.
You asshole!
Hey, man, we're just joking.
Oh, really?
Somebody could get killed.
Oh, my God.
Cher, you don't understand.
I was sitting there.
I was just talking to those guys.
All of a sudden,
we were laughing and...
Hey, you O.K.?
Y- yeah.
You sure?
I'm fine. Uh-huh.
Let's get you home for some R and R.
What's that?
Boy, considering
how clueless she was,
Tai certainly had
that damsel-in-distress act down.
Meanwhile, back at school,
everyone was talking about
Tai's brush with death at the mall.
Was it a montage of all the scenes
in your life?
Not exactly a montage.
Hey, Cher, is it true gang members
tried to shoot Tai?
No.
That's what everyone's saying.
Whatever.
When I was 9,
I fell off this jungle gym.
I swear I saw this...
Will you move down for Cher?
Tell me more. Tell me more.
Where was I?
You were thinking about
what was really important.
Oh, right, right.
Right before you die,
your mind just
sort of gets very clear.
It's a very intense spiritual thing.
I know when I was held
at gunpoint...
Excuse me. You were saying?
It's spiritual.
I can't pinpoint the spirituality.
If you've never
experienced anything...
Tai, I was planning on going to Tower
and getting something for Christian.
Uh-huh.
Like some kind
of present or something.
- You want to come?
- Sure. I owe him my life.
I'll get you after school.
Yeah.
Not today. I'm going
over to Melrose with Amber.
We're going to Melrose.
Oh. Well, how about tomorrow?
Do you think we could
do it next Monday?
My week's filling up fast here.
When we got back
from the IHOP, it was 8:00.
Here comes your boyfriend.
Tai, check it out.
- Ew!
- Ew!
Hey, could you shove down
a little bit?
No.
Don't the slackers prefer
that grassy knoll over there?
Tai, so anyway,
have you ever done it in water?
- Oh, yeah.
- Really?
What was happening?
Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?
Tai being the most popular girl
in the school?
It was like
some sort of alternate universe.
On top of everything else,
I was going to take the driving test,
so I had to find my most
responsible-looking ensemble.
Where's my white collarless shirt?
Lucy, where's my shirt?
Probably at the cleaner.
Oh, but today's the driving test.
It's my most capable-looking outfit.
O.K., I call them.
Oh, it's too late now.
Oh, we got another notice
from the fire department,
saying we have to
clear out the bush.
You said Jose would do it.
He your gardener. You tell him.
Lucy, I don't speak Mexican.
I not a Mexican!
Great. What was that all about?
Lucy's from El Salvador.
So?
It's an entirely different country.
What does that matter?
You get upset if someone
thinks you live below Sunset.
So everything is all my fault.
I'm always wrong, right?
You're such a brat.
I had an overwhelming sense of ickyness.
Even though I apologized to Lucy,
something was still plaguing me.
Like Josh thinking
I was mean was making me postal.
Move into the right lane.
Anyway, why should I care
what Josh thinks?
Why was I letting it throw me
into such turmoil?
Watch out for the bike rid...
Oops! My bad.
What are you doing?
You can't take up both lanes.
Get in the right lane.
Not so...
Ooh! Should I write them a note?
Pull over up here
and turn off the engine.
Right there.
Oh!
Are you going to take me somewhere
to make left-hand turns?
We're going back.
It's over?
It's over.
Well, how did I do?
How did you do?
Well, let's see, shall we?
You can't park,
you can't switch lanes,
you can't make
right-hand turns,
you've damaged private property,
and you almost killed someone.
Offhand, I'd say you failed.
Failed?
Well, can't we just start over?
I mean, I'm kind
of having a personal problem.
My mind was somewhere else.
That biker came out of nowhere!
Oh! I swear I'll concentrate!
I drive really good, usually.
Isn't there somebody else
I can talk to?
You can't be
the absolute and final word
in driver's licenses.
Girlie, as far
as you're concerned,
I'm the messiah of the DMV.
Now, get out of the car.
I can't believe I failed.
I failed something
I couldn't talk my way out of?
Go ahead, yeah.
Put your legs into me.
Hey, you're home.
How does it feel
to have a license?
I wouldn't know. I failed.
Oh. Bummer.
And, Josh, spare me your lectures
on how driving is
such a big responsibility
and you can't B.S.
your way through it.
I didn't say anything.
I know what you're thinking.
I got to tell you something.
I'm really sorry about your test.
I am so glad you're here.
There's something I got to do.
I need you here. Does this work?
Yeah. What is this stuff?
A bunch of junk
that reminded me of Elton.
I want to burn it
because I'm so over him.
What stuff?
Do you remember
when we were at the Val party
and the clog knocking me out
and Elton got a towel of ice?
I didn't tell you at the time,
but I took the towel as a souvenir.
You're kidding.
No.
And then...
remember that song
that was playing when we danced?
Remember that?
You know, Rollin' With The Homies.
Anyways, I got the tape, right?
I listened to it, like,
every single night.
Don't burn that, O.K.?
Tai, I'm really happy for you,
but what brought on
this surge of empowerment?
It's, like, I met this guy
who's so totally amazing
that he makes Elton
look like a loser.
That is so great.
Look, you've got to
help me get Josh.
Get Josh what?
You know what I mean?
I like him.
Do you think
that he likes you?
Yeah.
How do you know?
Like, little things, you know?
Like, he always finds
some sort of way
to touch me or tickle me.
Do you remember
the time at the frat
when I was totally depressed?
We danced, and he was really flirty.
You O.K.?
Yeah. Oh, actually...
I was really bad today.
I had two mochaccinos.
I feel like ralphing.
I know exactly how that feels.
Like, the other day,
I was talking to Josh,
and we were discussing
the difference
between high school girls
and college girls.
College girls wear less makeup.
That's why guys like them more.
But, Tai, do you really think
you'd be good with Josh?
I mean, he's, like,
a school nerd.
Am I some sort of
a mentally challenged airhead?
No! Not even!
I didn't say that.
I'm not good enough
for Josh or something?
I... I just... don't think
you mesh well together.
You don't think
that we mesh well?
Why am I even listening to you
to begin with?
You're a virgin who can't drive.
Oh, that was way harsh, Tai.
All right. Look, I'm really sorry.
Let's just talk when
we've mellowed, all right?
I'm Audi.
What did I do?
I've created some sort of a monster.
I could feel the chunks
start to rise up in my throat.
I had to get out.
# When I was young?
# I never needed anyone?
Everything I think
and everything I do is wrong.
I was wrong about Elton.
I was wrong about Christian.
Now Josh hated me.
It all boiled down to
one inevitable conclusion...
I was just totally clueless.
Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing
was wiggin' me more than anything.
What was my problem? Tai is my pal.
I don't begrudge her a boyfriend.
I really... Ooh!
I wonder if they have that in my size.
What does she want with Josh anyway?
He dresses funny.
He listens to complaint rock.
He's not even cute...
in a conventional way.
I mean, he's just like this slug
who hangs around
the house all the time.
And he's a hideous dancer.
Couldn't take him anywhere.
Wait a second.
What am I stressing about?
This is, like, Josh.
# All by myself?
O.K., O.K.,
so he's kind of a Baldwin.
What would he want with Tai?
She couldn't make him happy.
Josh needs someone with imagination,
someone to take care of him,
someone to laugh at his jokes...
in case he ever makes any.
Then suddenly...
Oh, my God.
I love Josh.
I am majorly, totally,
crazy in love with Josh.
But now I don't know
how to act around him.
I mean, ordinarily,
I'd strut around him
in my cutest little outfits
and send myself flowers and candy,
but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.
What's with you?
What do you mean?
You're so quiet.
You haven't made me
watch The Real World.
I care about the news.
Since when?
Since now.
...In Central Bosnia.
You look confused.
Well, uh, I thought they
declared peace in the Middle East.
Cher, get in here!
What's up, Daddy?
What are you doing dancing
in front of my office?
Nothing. I just wanted to see
if you need any help with anything.
Yeah, you can help me
with something.
Come over here.
All right.
Every time that you see
a telephone conversation
that took place on September 3rd,
highlight it.
- Just September 3rd.
- O.K.
It's fun, huh?
Yeah.
O.K.
Daddy, did you ever have a problem
that you couldn't
argue your way out of?
Tell me the problem,
and we'll figure out how to argue it.
I like this boy,
and he likes someone else.
How could that be?
I don't know. I feel wretched.
Obviously, this boy
is a complete moron.
You are the most beautiful girl
in Beverly Hills.
And to tell you the truth,
I'm not sure I want you
with a stupid fellow.
Well, actually, he is a smart guy.
He's one of those do-gooder types.
I feel like my after-school
commitments aren't good enough.
How can you say that?
Who takes care of everyone
in this household?
Who makes sure that
Daddy eats right?
I have not seen
such good-doing since your mother.
Really?
Really.
Now, get back to work.
Later, while we were learning
about the Pismo Beach disaster,
I decided I needed
a complete makeover,
except this time,
I'd makeover my soul.
But what makes somebody
a better person?
Then I realized all my friends
were good in different ways.
Like Christian,
he always wants things
to be beautiful and interesting.
Or Dionne and Murray,
when they think no one is watching,
are so considerate of each other.
And poor Miss Geist,
always trying to get us involved
no matter how much we resist.
Oh. That's just...
That doesn't even show...
Every single possession,
every memory,
everything you've had
your whole life
gone in a second.
Can you imagine
what that must feel like?
Elton?
Can I use the pass?
Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets,
disposable diapers,
uh, canned goods.
Miss Geist?
Cher?
I want to help.
That would be wonderful.
I felt better already.
Daddy!
What?
You didn't like that
red caviar, did you?
What's she talking about?
Ew!
Cher, what are you doing?
I'm captain of the Pismo Beach
disaster relief.
I don't think
they need your skis.
Daddy, some people lost
all their belongings.
Don't you think that includes
athletic equipment?
This is your influence, Josh?
# Shake, some action's what I need?
# To make a bus stop at full speed?
# And I'm sure that's all you'll need?
# To make it all right?
...Really fun.
It's so pretty.
Should I leave it here?
Could you bring it to bedding?
Thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Geist,
I need more boxes.
They're all filled up.
Already? Great.
I divided them into
entrees and appetizers.
Oh. O.K.
I'll have them picked up.
Uh!
Hey.
Proper. This is really decent
of you, Travis.
Sure.
I wasn't sure about that.
I don't need it anymore,
but far be it for me
to deny anyone else.
I'm sorry about your shoes.
What shoes?
The red ones with the strappy thing.
Oh, those are so last-season.
What made you think of them?
It's one of my steps.
I joined this club,
and there are these steps.
There's, like...
12?
Yeah. How did you know?
Wild guess.
Wow. Good guess.
Uh, also, here.
ASL.
Amateur skateboarding league.
This clarity thing,
it's brought me to a whole new level.
My skating...
Would you come Saturday?
Sure.
Ah, cool.
Ha ha!
Well, um,
I guess kitchenware?
That's where I used to keep it.
Hi.
Cher, can I talk
to you a minute?
Um, sure.
Look, I have been in agony
for the past week.
I can't believe
I went off the way I did.
No. I have been going
down a shame spiral.
I can't believe
I was so unsupportive
of your feelings for Josh.
You're entitled to your opinion.
I'm the tard here.
Cher, you've been nothing
but super-duper nice to me.
If it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't have liked Elton.
I'm so sorry, Tai.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, shit. Now I'm going
to go ahead and cry.
Let's never fight again, O.K.?
Next up, number 14,
Travis Birkenstock.
Woo! All right, Travis!
I had no idea
he was so motivated.
Oh, I did.
When I saw the sparks
between Tai and Travis,
I knew Josh was
out of the picture.
You look like Pippi Longstocking.
You look like Forrest Gump.
Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Uh, someone Mel Gibson
never played.
You're funny.
What happened to
the August 28th files?
Hmm? What?
Mel wanted them tonight.
There were twice as many.
He's going to go ballistic.
Where are they?
I think I checked them
for the September 3rd
conversations.
What?
Where'd you put them?
I divided them
into two piles.
I have to redo all that.
Are you some kind of idiot?
Hey, she didn't know.
She just set us back a day.
Who cares about
the September call?
I'm sorry.
Just forget it.
Just go back to the mall
or something.
What's your problem, man?
She didn't mean any harm.
I'll get killed
'cause she's a moron.
She's not a moron.
If you were paying attention,
it wouldn't have happened.
If you hadn't have been
playing footsie,
she wouldn't be bothering me.
What the hell are you talking about?
This is a multimillion dollar lawsuit,
not some excuse for puppy love.
We've worked
our butts off on this case!
Do whatever you want
with your butts.
I'm calling in sick.
Did I really ruin
Daddy's lawsuit?
No.
Of course not.
Well, did I set him back?
I mean, there's
so much work to be done,
and he can't afford
to lose that time.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Your father won't lose any time.
Can you imagine
the nerve of that guy?
I mean, making
you worry like that.
He's the one that screwed up.
Then he goes and blames us.
Imagine saying we were...
you know.
That's right. You've been
very dedicated to this case.
Yeah. Well, it was
a good learning experience.
At least for me.
I want to be a lawyer.
But you, I mean,
you don't need to be doing this.
Go out and have fun.
Go shopping.
You think that's all I do?
I'm just a ditz
with a credit card?
No, no.
That's not what I meant.
It's just... um...
Uh, th...
You're... young
and beautiful and...
And?
And, uh, well, what?
You think I'm beautiful?
Mmm... yeah, a little.
You know you're gorgeous,
all right?
And popular and, uh, and...
but this is not
why I come here.
This is a good
learning experience for me.
You already said that.
Mel. I want to help out Mel.
He's the only one
who cares about me.
That's not true.
He's not?
No.
Are you saying...
you care about me?
Josh.
Well, you can guess
what happened next.
As if!
I am only 16.
This is California, not Kentucky.
You may kiss the bride.
I know that
when I have my own wedding,
I want this, like,
whole, entire floral motif,
like, very floral garlands.
No, no, no.
When I get married,
I'll have a sailor dress,
but it will be a gown.
My bridesmaids
will wear sailor hats.
They're planning
our weddings already.
Could you all stop that
till death do us part
mumbo jumbo?
I'm completely buggin'.
I'm buggin' myself.
Girls, she's about
to throw the bouquet!
Come on!
We got a pool going to see
whose girl gets the bouquet.
It's up to $200.
It's in the bag.
All right, come on, girls.
Hey! Over here! Over here!
# Seems like without tenderness,
there's something missing?
# Tenderness?
- # Where is the?
- # Tenderness?
# Where is it?...?
# If I could see?
# Into your heart?
# Then would I know?
# Just where to start?
# 'Cause I'm lost?
# And I need to be found?
# Crazy as it sounds?
# I need you around?
# If I could stand?
# To be on my own?
# Then I would probably?
# Just leave you alone?
# But I'm gonna feel this way
till I'm 6 feet underground?
# Crazy as it sounds?
# I need you around?
# Turning?
# Tossing and turning?
# My love is burning me down?
# If I could change?
# One thing in this world?
# I'd change your mind?
# And make you my girl?
# Because I'm lost,
and I need to be found?
# Crazy as it sounds?
# I need you around?
# I'm gonna feel this way till
I'm 6 feet underground?
# Crazy as it sounds?
# I need you around?