Cold Feet (2019) Movie Script
(film reel clicking)
(ominous music)
(blood splattering)
(eerie music)
Your kingdom awaits.
Holy moly.
Cece would flip over this place.
Yes, indeed.
- I done good, boys.
- Uh huh.
- No wonder he's the best man.
- Oh, actually-
Actually, we're all the best men, so.
That's right, equals.
Eddie couldn't choose between us.
His compassion knows no bounds.
- That's right, feels good.
- Yeah.
- He's a coward.
- Thanks, bud.
Ow, that hurts.
All right, moving on.
That is just lovely.
So, if you gentlemen will follow-
- You know, actually,
Eddie was my best man.
And I'm sure if he had to pick one,
it would be me, but you know,
I'm just happy to be a part of the team
as like their captain.
Happy to have you, man.
Seriously?
I found the house.
So I think team captain might be a bit
of a stretch there, Kyle.
- So, this is your elegant dining area-
Okay, wait.
Just hold up.
Mason, no one asked you to do that.
Team captains are proactive people.
You'd know that if you
were true captain material.
I have five kids.
I'm pretty sure I'm more qualified to lead
than some flighty musician
who doesn't even make music.
- Let's keep the lines of
communication open, guys.
Sharing yields nothing but positivity.
Lotta love.
Yup.
Great.
So here we have a kitchen that I think
you'll really enjoy, gentlemen.
It's something I'm quite proud of.
(Oscar chuckling)
No, your eyes do not deceive you.
There are multiple cutting
boards, sorted jams and jellies.
Cece who would go to town in here.
I mean we could feed our
a little army just fine.
- Kyle, have you guys ever
had sex and not had a kid?
- Oh.
- Yes.
Had to think about that, huh?
- (all chuckling)
- Aha, classic bro banters.
Good stuff, come on.
And now, presenting (imitates drum roll).
Take yourselves a little dip.
And yes, that is a salt water pool.
- Okay.
- Total notch water, boys.
Nailed it!
Aha, kids will go bananas in this.
Kyle, do you have a family or something?
It's hard to tell.
I know, I know I'm going on about
my wife and kids too much.
We're having ourselves a boys trip.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know what I'm sayin'?
I love to pal around.
Talking about Johnny's
latest conquest in what not.
Yeah, it gets weird.
Yeah, that Johnny sure gets around, huh?
- The old sly dog.
- Yeah, poor Sheila, right?
Whoa, how do you know Johnny?
Well, I don't.
It's just the way vicarious
Victor over here was talking,
I mean, I know the type.
(upstairs door slamming)
Must've left the window open.
Gets a little drafty up there.
Excuse me.
So, do you guys all think it's weird?
You mean, like Johnny talks about women
and you practically jerk
off in front of everyone?
Nah.
(Eddie laughing)
Don't know what you're laughing about.
- What?
- As soon as Jenny
locks your ass down you
are gonna be racking up
all sorts of hours at the spank bank.
Spank bank.
Yeah, making deposits and
withdrawals about Kim all day.
- Right, boys?
- Kim is a friend
just like you guys, that's it.
Totally, except you don't wanna fuck us.
No, only Neal wants to fuck us.
I'm gay, not desperate.
Sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
That was great, guys, thanks.
(phones ringing)
Oh, looks like Carl's not coming.
What, what did he say?
Congrats on being better than me.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Dot dot dot, single tear emoji.
What the hell, man?
Hey, I get it.
I wouldn't wanna be the only one here
who isn't a groomsman either.
- Best man.
- (chuckling) I am?
- Yeah!
- You are all best men.
- We've talked about this.
- Great.
I feel terrible, I love that guy.
Oh my God, do not feel bad about Carl.
It's not like he isn't used to rejection.
The guy is a parking enforcement
officer for God's sake.
I mean, his whole life
is one big rejection.
Nice.
- Hey, big on clarity.
- Yeah.
Big on being a piece of shit.
- Stop it, stop it!
(Mason laughing)
(Oscar chuckling)
Gentlemen, uh, I forgot
about an important matter
that I have to tend to.
So if you will kindly excuse me,
I'm sure you can finish
up the tour yourself.
I'm sure you'll find everything
to be to your satisfaction.
- Me casa is su casa-
- Hey, su casa.
That's right, enjoy your stay.
- Thanks, Oscar.
- Right on.
- Thank you.
- Gracias.
Well, he's crazy so that's cool.
(light guitar music)
- Is there anything you
wanna actually ask me?
- No.
- You sure?
No questions here.
All answers.
Where'd you get those pants though?
- The pants store.
- Ooh.
Hey, how you doing back there, bud?
- Just keeping my aquaphobia
from paralyzing me with fear.
Thank you for checking.
- Hey, Ben, did the other
stuntmen beat you up
and take your lunch money?
- Wait, what about that
movie where you dove into
that lake because that house
was blowing up behind you?
There were regulations.
There was protocol.
That is wild water.
Chaos.
(Eddie laughing)
- All right, um, hey.
- What?
Why didn't you bring Isabella?
- Dude, that'd be like
kicking things up a notch,
and I ain't ready for that.
- You've been with her
for two years, Mason.
You can't keep stringing her along, man.
Hey, I am not stringing her along.
Look, I even break up with
her every once in a while.
If I was stringing her along
then there'd be no timeouts obviously.
You know he's right, Mason.
You gotta make a choice.
Maybe you're just meant
to fly free, you know?
Stay on the prowl.
- Yeah, so Kyle can whack
off to your stories too.
- (guys laughing)
- Oh, ha ha, very funny.
- Cashing checks at the
spank bank (laughing).
Remember the, remember
the spank bank thing?
Jeff, just let it go man.
Copy that.
You know I would expect someone with
a broken heart to be a
little more sympathetic.
That's all I'm saying, Jeff.
You know you're right, Kyle, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to
yuk it up with the boys.
Just trying to forget, but now I remember.
- All too well.
- Goddamn it, Kyle.
I would've done anything for Taylor.
Anything, I was even about to get a job.
Yeah, that might've helped.
- Is that why you and
Dusty aren't married?
Because you're unemployed?
- What?
- Jeff, I'm a pediatrician.
- Animals?
- Are you kidding me?
Cool, when did you start doing that?
- Uh, it's only been a thing
for about a decade now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.
- Meow.
- As to why I'm not married
to Dusty, I just don't
want us to ever feel
like we're locked into something.
You know, we're together
because we wanna be together,
not because we think we have to be.
But hey, congrats.
(Eddie splashing)
(guys laughing)
You guys want some drugs?
Happy bachelor party, cocksucker.
- Sorry, Neal.
- Oh, sorry, Neal.
It means a lot.
Hey, Johnny, looks like we're gonna be
rooming together, so.
Oh, cool.
Cool, that will not be weird at all.
Yes.
Happy birthday, Eddie.
Thanks, Boyd.
[Johnny] You want one too, my boy?
- All right.
- Yeah, boy.
Well, you know what?
We're all gonna give speeches on Saturday.
So I think it's time for ole
Eddie here to say a few words.
Fuck yeah, words!
- Let's hear 'em!
(Boyd chuckling)
[Johnny] Raise 'em up.
All right, um...
Okay, um...
- Eddie.
- Yeah?
Dude, you're a fucking English teacher.
Bring on the words.
All right, all right, all right,
relationships are work, but
when you're with the right
person it is incredibly
rewarding work and it's uh, nice.
So, I can't imagine a better
coworker as it were than Jenny.
- Drink please.
- So...
(guys groaning)
Yeah, I love her.
- You are so fucked, bro.
(guys laughing)
All right, gentlemen, let's
burn this fucker down!
(guys cheering)
(board game pieces tapping)
Best man?
The bachelor is playing ladybug checkers.
You are the worst man.
- [Mason] Hey, I found
the house, motherfucker.
[Eddie] Johnny, you'll all best men.
- Are you saying that
I have that kinda power
and there are no women here?
You guys couldn't tell me?
Dude, I did tell you.
[Johnny] Well, I don't always listen,
- but that's not the point.
- Kinda seems like the point.
- By the way, you owe me
200 bucks for the house.
Oh, for the house with no strippers?
Hey, man, I tried, all right?
But ole Eddie here put his foot down.
Not my thing, bro.
- I mean, come on, Johnny,
like you need strippers.
Out there bare doggin' like you do.
(Kyle chuckling)
Hey, since we're on the subject,
how are the ladies
treating you these days?
Because I'm a gentlemen, Kyle,
the only thing I'm going
to say on this subject
is that they have been very kind.
And also that by very
kind I mean super horny.
- We've got this new hostess-
- Don't you have any remorse?
About what?
Oh, over the fact that we're
not in Vegas right now.
- Fuck yes I do.
- No, Johnny.
You broke Sheila's heart
and now you're just
gallivanting about.
Jeff, the chick was insane.
She told me that she loved me.
- Man, what a psycho.
- Preach.
Anyway, I don't wanna talk about
that crazy clinger, all right?
Guys, this is Eddie's night
and it is currently a deeply shameful one.
So we need to salvage
this shit, all right?
With that in mind, you need
to hook up with the uh,
who's the volleyball
coach with the great ass?
- Oh, Kim.
- Kim.
- Are you serious?
- Kim, yes!
Here's what we're doing.
Call Kim, have Kim come over here.
Make sure that Kim brings friends, right?
- Come on.
- Look, I don't feel
that way about Kim, okay?
She's a friend and she's
a coworker and that's it.
- Eddie, did you not just
give a whole terrible speech
about how much you love
fucking your coworkers?
That's not what I said.
Okay, well I told you I tune out.
Hey, Johnny, bro, I love you,
but Eddie's about to join the
ranks of the happily married.
Okay, so don't even joke
about him cheating on
his truly beloved because
it's never, ever gonna happen
no matter how frustrated
or curious he gets.
So, just fuckin' drop it, okay?
Wow, that was depressing.
(fist knocking)
Hey, come on in, Carl.
- Oh, sweet, see at least we
can watch this crazy fucker
implode 'cause we've gotta have
some sort of entertainment.
Hey, boys.
Hello, I'm Courteney.
I'm here to satisfy all
your fantasies or some shit.
Anyway, I was told to change into
a red dress before we get started.
Told by whom?
The guy who's paying for my time.
Who cares?
He said it was in the master bedroom.
- Will you point me to it?
- My room?
Whatever.
(heels clicking)
Get less weird, okay?
- Uh, no, telling
strippers to put clothes on
is not my style, all right?
I do like her spirit though.
(Boyd gasping)
Mason came through, yeah, yeah!
- Oh, no, no, believe me I'd
take credit for it if I had.
She's no Taylor.
No one is.
Cool, tits.
Awesome.
- I just hope she feels
like she's in a safe place.
All right, boys.
Here's the deal.
Only one of you is going to
get to see me completely naked.
- What?
- What?
- But the one that does gets
to see me naked in the bedroom.
- Yeah.
(guys laughing)
Yes!
Let's mingle.
Dibs.
(upbeat electronic music)
Girl I want your time,
but I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want your time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
Girl I want your time,
but I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want you time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
Lovers eyes bounce all around the room
And they're beautiful
Like I've never seen a pair before
They look dead certain
and they land on me
And I feel so lucky
Lucky enough to believe
that I'm someone different
Someone special, someone not ugly
Foolish enough for a moment to believe
You could love me, someone love me
Girl I want your time
and I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want your time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
- Well, guys, I think
it's night night time.
Johnny, I'll see you in there.
- Uh, Kyle.
- Huh?
You think you could maybe go sleep in
somebody else's room there, little buddy?
Because it might be a little
gay if you're in there.
Sorry, Neal.
- Sorry, Neal.
- Okay, good night.
- Don't worry about,
I'll have my rain app.
So, essentially I'll be transported
into an Amazonian jungle, man.
It's like I won't even be
there, so night fellas.
Good night.
You all right, brother?
- Yeah, I think I caught some
Xanax in that last handful.
Maybe a pinch of Valium.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done.
- Night, Boyd.
- Night, man.
Oh, shit.
Don't worry, it happens.
[Boyd] Yeah, it doesn't always happen.
(rain sounds pattering)
(lips smacking)
- [Johnny] Looks like
he's out pretty cold.
(Johnny sighs)
(belt rustling)
(crickets chirping)
(water trickling)
You still hanging or what?
Gonna be up for a while,
but I'm just gonna work on my vows, so.
- Shit, no pressure there huh?
- Yeah.
Ah, smooth.
- You old scumbag.
(Mason chuckling)
You having second thoughts?
No, man, of course not.
Ah, hell, I have second, third, fourth,
fifth thoughts about Isabella everyday.
So if you are questioning
things, even just a little bit,
I'm your guy.
Mason, are you just trying to find out
if you're the real best man, is that it?
I did find the house, so (chuckling).
- I hadn't heard that.
- Yeah, people need to know.
- Love you, big dog.
- Love you too, buddy.
(Mason grunting)
(door slamming)
- [Mason] Still smells
like stripper in here.
(Eddie chuckling)
(Courteney lightly moaning)
- (Johnny groaning)
- What's wrong?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
No, no, nothing, baby.
Give me just one second.
(Johnny groaning)
(Johnny sighs)
It's okay, Johnny, it happens.
Well it never used to happen to me.
I love fucking.
It is my passion, but I've been hanging
out with this girl, Sheila.
Like actually hanging
out and talking a lot,
which is super weird for me.
But I liked it.
I liked her.
And one day there we were just mid fuck
and I just couldn't hold it back anymore.
So I blurted it out and I
told her that I loved her,
and she um, told me that
um, she was just having fun.
I lost it.
I mean, I lost my mind.
My erection and I tried.
Believe me, I tried.
I went out there and just tried
to bang the pain away, you know?
But my soldier ain't marching,
and I think that it's
just 'cause I didn't have
a connection with any
of those other girls.
So, what about me and you?
- I cannot believe I'm
getting ready to say this
because your tits are on
point, but I thought I felt
a connection with you
earlier, but I don't.
So I can't, I can't do this.
By this I mean, you know, you.
So, what?
You were just gonna use me for my body?
I mean, yeah.
Well, I thought you'd be okay with that
(Courteney scoffs)
being a stripper and all.
I'm not really a stripper, Johnny.
- Oh, you certainly give off
a very stripper-like vibe.
(Courteney gasps)
Okay, unbelievable.
You are just like every other asshole.
No, no, no, I'm not.
That's exactly what
I'm trying to tell you.
Every other asshole woulda
plowed you silly by now,
but I can't.
(Courteney scoffs)
I'm broken!
(door slamming)
(hands thudding)
(pen tapping)
You okay?
Why do I always go for the assholes?
- Oh, well, you know
from a female perspective
I definitely get why you
think that about Johnny,
but he's a great guy, really.
You're one of the good ones, huh?
I'm trying to be.
- Oh.
- Wow.
Yeah, I'm freaking out.
Do you think she's not the one?
- I know a lotta married
people have thoughts, you know?
And it doesn't mean they
don't love their partner.
It's just people get curious and-
Anyone in particular?
Her name's Kim.
Uh, we teach together
and we just have always
gotten along really well.
There's definitely an attraction there.
I mean, it's all completely innocent.
We've never come close to crossing any-
Who do you dream about?
Who haunts your dreams, Eddie?
I can't call off this wedding.
Jenny doesn't deserve that.
I can tell you really appreciate her.
Most guys just put their
own feelings first.
I wish my ex-husband showed
me a little more appreciation.
One of the assholes, huh?
Yeah.
I knew for years he was
pulling away from me,
but I just kept trying to
pull him in more and more.
Convinced myself that
I could make it work.
I wasted my life on him.
I don't know about that.
I think you've still got
some life left in you.
(Courteney chuckling)
I'm starting to think so too.
And I'm definitely ready to move on.
- (Courteney chuckling)
- What?
I was wearing this dress when I met him.
He went on and on about it,
telling me how beautiful I was.
What, I thought that wasn't your dress?
No, it's, it's just a long story.
Okay.
- Anyway, I don't know
why I wear the damn thing.
It used to make me feel confident,
and now I just feel stupid.
Well, for what it's worth I don't think
you're stupid at all.
I kinda like talking to you, so.
(Eddie chuckling)
All right, um, even though
I'm on such a role right now,
I'm gonna sleep on these vows here.
You wanna crash here?
- I can take the couch.
- That's okay, thank you.
Okay.
Oh, can I borrow your phone?
Mine's dead.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry, this is
gonna take a little while.
Oh, gotcha, yeah no problem.
Just leave it on the coffee table.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you, Eddie, for everything.
Sure.
All right, good night, Courteney.
Good night, heartbreaker.
Oh, boy.
(Eddie sighs)
(light eerie music)
I need more time.
(trash bag rustling)
(phone clicking)
(dramatic music)
(trash bag thudding)
Off you go, bitch.
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
Did you fuckers drug me?
(wind whistling)
We'll see what Tyrone
has to say about this.
(ominous music)
(Courteney sighs)
Well, I tried.
(Courteney sighs)
(suspenseful music)
(Courteney grunts)
(flesh squishing)
(door slamming)
(bottles clinking)
(Boyd sighs)
- (fist knocking)
- Hm?
Morning, Mason.
The stripper's dead.
(fist knocking)
Hey, guys, the stripper's dead.
What?
- I said, the stripper's dead.
- Uh huh.
(fist knocking)
Hey, hey.
Hey!
(Kyle groaning)
Why am I hearing you right now?
- You remember the stripper?
- Yeah.
- She's dead.
- Oh, God.
Morning, Johnny.
(Ben panting)
(fist knocking)
Hey, roomie.
That stripper's dead.
Is she okay?
No.
(Eddie sighs)
(fist knocking)
Hey, Eddie.
You have a boner.
Oh and the stripper's dead.
What? How?
Oh, it looks like natural causes.
She as a (stuttering) knife in her heart.
(light eerie music)
That's her, right there.
Okay, just confess.
Tell me who did it and I won't be mad.
- I can't believe you think
one of us would do this.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey now,
I'm not pointing any fingers.
Johnny had sex with her last night.
Dude, what the fuck?
Not uh, Boyd, no he didn't!
Well he could have if he wanted to,
it just didn't happen.
Yeah, no, I just, whatever.
I lost interest or changed my mind.
Or just not my type or what not.
- So, I made that choice.
- And it's fine.
Ben and Jeff, they don't have it in 'em.
- I can't believe you don't
think I have it in me.
Clear lines of communication, guys.
- This is good.
- Neal's gay, so he's out.
Sorry, sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
Okay, that one doesn't make sense.
- Mason would never kill
a perfectly good stripper.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So, in accordance with the
law of he smelt it dealt it,
Kyle, you're the prime suspect.
- Hey, uh uh, I only posed
the question of who did it.
You're the one who found her, Boyd.
So technically you smelt it.
Did I do it?
No, it wasn't me.
How are you so calm about this?
Drugs.
That leaves Eddie, which
makes perfect sense actually.
He's been secretly freaking
out about the wedding.
Maybe he snapped and
decided to kill a stripper
and go to jail just to avoid all of this.
Plus he woke up with a boner.
Whoa, what were you dreaming about?
Definitely Kim, duh.
- Yeah and Courteney.
(light eerie music)
"Who haunts your dreams?"
- What?
- It's classic psychobabble.
They all do it.
Eddie, please continue.
This dream sounds great.
- Kim and I were you know and
Courteney was talking to me.
Making me feel like it was okay.
Wait, she was just talking?
Like giving sex tips or?
- Guys, she's dead!
- Yeah, I haven't really
wrapped my mind around that, okay?
So, just let me cope.
Good, Kyle, very good.
- After you guys went to
bed she came back down here
and I told her about how I'm confused.
Told her how I feel about Kim.
Now I'm such a fuckin' asshole.
No, you're just a murderer.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I didn't kill her, Boyd!
I'm talking about the
fact that I'm dreaming
about another woman!
Oh, oh, you didn't kill her.
Gotcha.
Guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?
Oh, great, problem solved.
- I'm being respectful,
unlike you animals.
Look, none of us here did it,
so why don't we just call the cops?
- Hm.
- I'll do it.
- Maybe she got one dick pic
too many and just lost it.
- Or maybe it was the ghost.
(light eerie music)
I'm sorry, what was that?
- Oh, yeah, see, I found this
review online where this guy
he said he and his wife came here
and experienced strange occurrences.
And yeah I mean like windows
and doors opening on their own,
and stuff like that.
Yeah, so of course I told
Oscar about the review,
and was able to get the price down.
Thank you, Mason.
Mason, what the fuck, man?
- I didn't know the house
was haunted for sure.
I mean, all I knew is
I got us a killer deal.
Killer deal, good one.
- I mean, plus I figured if
it was haunted then cool,
we get to see a ghost!
Yeah, a little less cool now.
Mason, there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Then why are you mad at me
for renting a haunted house?
It's just confusing, Kyle.
(door slamming)
Let's get the hell outta here!
(dramatic music)
(sneakers squeaking)
(gunshot banging)
(dramatic music)
Nah, I'm gonna stay.
Sorry about that door.
It is a little drafty up there.
Guys, I can't find my phone.
What'd I miss?
Okay, so, just so we're on the same page.
There's allegedly a
ghost inside the house?
And there's definitely a
sniper outside the house.
Well, escaping sounds nice.
So, maybe we should check the back.
- Boyd, Boyd, no!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Boyd, no, Boyd!
(glass shattering)
(birds chirping)
Yeah, I got shot at.
Okay, we should just wait it out.
Someone will come and check on us.
What, no, we can't wait it out.
We have rehearsal dinner at 8:00.
Yeah, dude, your priorities are stupid.
Hey, no rehearsal dinner, no wedding.
It's very important.
- Besides anyone who comes
here might get shot at too.
I mean, Carl could be
here any minute guys.
We have to alert the authorities.
Our phones are gone, Ben.
Our laptops too.
We've been kicked off the goddamn grid.
I know how to signal the cops.
How?
(Boyd screeching)
[Tom] Shut up!
- Hey, man, what is-
- You shut up, too!
(glass shattering)
(ominous music)
Was that a ghost?
- Did you not just see the
crazy bearded fucker with a gun?
It's one of his asshole buddies up there.
Oh, well that's better.
Okay, I'm, I'm gonna go check it out.
Wait, no, we should all go.
Let's bring knives.
I want a knife.
We should bring knives.
Yeah, okay, knives sound good.
(light eerie music)
- What if he shoots you?
(Kyle sighs)
(Kyle panting)
No wait, hold on.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, a ghost
definitely did that.
I mean they love knocking
stuff off the walls.
Major hobby, boys.
Dude, stop it with that shit, all right?
One of those psychos is in this house.
We need to mob his ass and tear him apart.
No, no, we need to split up.
Otherwise he might just keep evading us.
Agreed, everyone take a buddy.
All right, you and me.
(light eerie music)
As soon as we make it outta here
I'm gonna propose to Taylor.
Ghosts and snipers really
put things into perspective.
I mean, I have to go for it.
Jeff, you already went for it man.
You gave it your all,
you have to know that.
It just, it needed to end.
No, I smothered her.
I clung too tightly because I was scared.
- Maybe, but she brought
all of that out in you.
Look, Taylor's great, but
she was never all the way in.
You never felt safe with her.
And you feel safe with Jenny?
Yeah, I do.
Then why are you having doubts?
Because I want her to feel safe with me,
and I don't know if she should.
[Jeff] Because of Kim?
(door handle rattling)
(ominous music)
- I don't want us to be
another one of those couples
that just hold each other back.
I mean what if she has her own Kim?
You know, someone, someone
she's wondering about.
Someone she'd have a chance with
if she weren't just stuck with me.
Not that I feel stuck with
Jenny, I'm just saying-
You don't have to say that, Eddie.
It's okay to admit that
you feel stuck with her.
Marrying Jenny would be a mistake.
(Ben panting)
(door handle rattling)
- Well, we tried, let's go.
- Hey, Ben.
Do you remember that
episode of NCSISISISISI?
Which one?
- "In Order," the one where
you rammed the door down.
- Hell yeah.
- Do that again.
That was cool.
- All right, all right, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah?
- All right, all right.
- Uh huh.
- Mm hm.
- Uh huh.
(dramatic music)
(Ben grunting)
(door creaking)
(Ben screaming)
(eerie music)
Whoa.
- Oh no.
- What?
Oh, oh, Ben, reward.
Ben, how much do you think the reward is?
I use money.
Let's go find her.
- No, Boyd, you can't
capitalize 'cause once you get-
- Hey, guys.
- Stab him.
Stab him, stab him!
Boom.
Way to defuse the situation, Ben.
Right, my condolences.
Maybe his wife is the ghost.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
She's missing, she's not necessarily dead.
She seems pretty dead to me.
- Hey, guys, we have a hot
ghost wife on the loose.
Mason, there's no ghost.
Stop acting like a child and just drop it.
- You know what, you look
like a child so shut up.
- Hey, you know what your
fans think you look like?
- What?
- Trick question.
You don't have any.
Why would you say that to me?
- (Kyle sighs)
- What's going on?
Here, take a look.
(eerie music)
Wonder what happened to her.
Maybe she fell for the wrong man.
(trash bag rustling)
[Mason] Well I'll be damned.
- What, what's in the bag?
(ominous music)
Whoa, dude, you okay?
Oh, yeah, feeling great.
Just really excited, that's all.
How did we get in here?
Dude, what the fuck is in the bag?
Mason!
Don't even think about it, Hank!
(bag splashing)
You threw it in the pool?
- I'm sure that Mason
has a sensible reason
for doing whatever he did.
- Ben, he threw our laptops
and phones in the fuckin' pool.
[Eddie] Why would you do that?
I didn't wanna ruin the fun!
(Mason groaning)
You think this is fun, Mason?
Huh, huh?
(Mason chuckling)
- I think you're a
misogynistic little bitch
that can't get it up.
- That's what I think.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
(Mason chuckling)
- Chill out, chill out.
- Dude, Mason, chill.
Go for Boyd.
No, I don't have any
more horse tranquilizers.
- Big month for those.
- Boyd, call 911!
Skittles, I gotta call 911 now.
- Deuces.
- Really dude?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Hey, 911, it's Boyd.
My friends told me to call you.
Yeah, it's bad.
Okay, I don't know, hold on.
What's the address.
- Guys, what's the address?
- Man, stop!
Where'd you get that?
- It's a burner, I use
it for selling drugs.
911, please hold for the address.
- It's uh, Greendale Street.
- 471, uh.
- Yeah, 471 Greendale Street.
- 471 Greendale Street.
- 911, Boyd is back.
(ominous music)
The address is 471 Green (gasping).
- (phone thudding)
- No, no, no, no!
Guys, what's going on?
Why would you do that?
I just want you to be happy.
If you left now, you wouldn't be.
Detox time, motherfucker.
Will somebody please tell me how the hell
we got back downstairs?
Quite playing games, Mason.
- I actually don't know
how we got upstairs.
- Really?
- Mason, you threw our phones
into the goddamn pool and
now you wanna fuck with us?
- No, the last thing I remember
was finding the phones.
- Oh, so what, somebody
took over your body
and then tossed all of our
fuckin' shit in the pool?
Yes, I was possessed!
Yeah, obviously, guys, come on.
- Jeff, you don't remember
how we got upstairs, right?
Okay, well, the first thing
you remember up there,
what was it?
- It was right before
Kyle started chasing you.
Yeah, that's when I blanked out.
So, the ghost must've gone from you to me,
and then, Boyd, I mean
you didn't even flinch
when Kyle flushed your
drugs down the toilet.
- Well, that's just
because I'm so drugged out
I don't even know what's going on.
I'm a wild man.
- Kyle, why'd you flush
Boyd's drugs down the toilet?
Oh, fuck off, Mason.
- Okay, he flushed the
drugs because Boyd made
a call to 911 on his drug phone,
but then he smashed it before
he finished giving the address.
The hot ghost wife is in Boyd.
That's absurd.
What's the capital of Tennessee?
- Nashville.
- Boyd wouldn't know that.
- Maybe Mason's right.
- What?
- Yeah, because if that
was Boyd he would be
diving into that toilet right now.
(suspenseful music)
Whoa, I'm feeling a little weird.
I think it's all those drugs that I took.
(Boyd stammering)
(ominous music)
Hey, where are my drugs?
- Boyd's back.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, you shook like that
as soon as you took the bag.
I did?
That must be the tell, boys.
We get all shaky and shit
when she enters or exists.
- Okay, did anybody shake
after she vacated Boyd?
- Well, since apparently
we've all gone crazy,
I think one of us should ask a question
that only we know the answer to.
On the count of three,
we'll all answer it.
Whoever gets it wrong,
that's who she's in.
Okay, okay, um...
All right, what did Carl say
to parking enforcement officer
when she gave us the ticket in Daytona?
Ben, will you count us off?
- Right after three, okay?
- Yeah.
One, two, okay, three!
[All] Dammit, we bleed the same blood.
The only thing that stands between peace
and anarchy is us, by God!
This is cannibalism.
Are you single?
Guys, I still can't find my drugs.
All clear, so what do we do now?
- I think we should form a
circle and share our feelings.
(light eerie music)
Except for that.
This circle is a safe place, a haven.
A sanctuary for our souls.
Eddie, share what's in your heart.
Okay, um, I can't do this.
I can't either.
I mean because there's obviously nothing
at all weird going on with me, so.
- That's right, there's
nothing weird going on, so.
- Guys, please, Eddie
needs to unburden himself.
I meant that I can't get married.
- Traitor!
- Kyle.
Shame has no place here.
- Aren't you afraid that no
one will ever love you again?
And that you just slip into oblivion?
Jeffrey, this isn't a Q and A.
Well, at least we didn't get dragged
into this mess for no reason.
Oh, wait, we did.
Kyle, this is your second warning.
Don't worry, I got you big guy.
Mason, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
this was a circle jerk.
- Spank bank.
- Close enough, Jeff.
- Shut the fuck up!
(hands slamming)
Do you think this shit's a game?
We're sharing feelings, motherfucker,
and Eddie's goddamn time.
So, respect the fucking circle!
Oh, what?
You didn't think big Ben could flex?
I'm from Burbank, bitch.
91504, that's my zip (screams).
It touched me, it touched me.
He touched me, he touched me.
Hi.
(sirens wailing)
(Kyle chuckling)
Boys, the cops are here.
We're going home.
(sneakers squeaking)
Officers, please come in.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I'm Officer Mooney and this
is my partner, Officer Hanson.
Did one of your citizens call 911?
Yes, sir, thank you for coming.
Hey, here to serve.
So, what seems to be the problem?
I got this.
Afternoon, officers.
So, we've rented this haunted house and-
- We came here last night
for a bachelor party.
- Ooh.
- When an uninvited
stripper showed up.
We woke up this morning and we
found her dead in the kitchen
with a knife in her heart.
None of us did it though.
Of course not.
I mean, why would you?
All right, gentlemen, first thing's first.
Show us where that body is.
Okay, right this way, officers.
- [Officer Mooney]
Approximately what time did you
discover the body?
- Like 8:30 or so?
- Yeah.
Are you telling me that you waited
four hours to call the police?
Well, things got complicated.
- Yeah.
- Mm hm.
No, sounds pretty simple to me.
A bunch of hedonistic hotheads decided
to kill themselves a stripper.
- Case closed.
- She's joking.
No, no, just come here.
No, Mooney, you're the joke.
Classic, classic (chuckling).
- We didn't call sooner because
our phones went missing.
They must've hidden from you,
but there are snipers outside.
Oh, snipers, huh.
Yeah, somehow I missed them.
Don't worry about it, Hanson,
'cause I didn't see them either.
[Kyle] Uh, okay, she was right there.
I believe you.
(tense music)
I think you're all on drugs.
Especially you.
You guys got an extra drug sniffing dog
that I could borrow?
All right, let's go find that body.
Yes indeed it did.
Oh my!
So, which one of you fine
gentlemen found this house?
Ah, that's be me, officer.
Nice work.
I dig it.
- [Dispatch] Officer Mooney,
has the caller been located?
Oh, yeah, we're all good here.
Just helping these fellas out, over.
Thank you for trusting us, sir.
Ah, no thanks necessary.
You see I'm not one of
those cynical cops who hears
a seemingly wild story, waves it all off,
and then calls you all
a bunch of crackpots.
All clear out there, Hanson?
- Yes!
- Copy that.
You see I'm an optimist.
I believe in the people.
(Officer Mooney sighs)
Well, this room is secured.
Onward.
(light eerie music)
Yep, I am all for the people.
See when people see me I want them to know
that their streets are
safe because I care.
And how can you care if
you don't believe in them?
And how can you inspire them
to believe in themselves?
You know what?
I forgot to check under
the couch back there.
- You're an idiot.
(Officer Mooney chuckling)
- Good policing is all about
being thorough, my men.
No stone unturned, no rest for the wicked.
No sir.
No sir, you rest when you die.
(dramatic music)
Hey, hey, guys.
Did you put a sheet over the body?
[Jeff] Yeah, out of respect.
- Found it!
- What? Where?
Here she is.
Standing up.
Uh, that's, that's different.
Um, well, anyways let me uh....
I'll just go get it.
Woo, uh (chuckling).
- [Officer Hanson] What the
hell is going on in there?
How sure are you guys about the part
where you said she's dead?
Like 90, 95%?
Holy moly, she took over the body!
Stop right there.
Please, ma'am.
Outta my way.
(Officer Hanson chuckling)
So, you jokers like to pull pranks, huh?
- What the shit?
- Oh, shit.
That was close!
(ominous music)
Well, obviously, we're out of danger now.
So, that's, that's, that's good.
(pistol butt thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
Mooney?
(pistol butt thudding)
(Officer Hanson groans)
(pistol clicking)
What do you want from us?
(tense music)
It'll all be over soon enough.
(foot stomping)
(radio crunching)
At least I managed to put
this body to use somehow.
(car horn honking)
Hey!
Whoever you are, please stop.
(sneakers squeaking)
(ominous music)
- Guys?
- Shit, it's Carl.
- Yo, how might I help you?
(door slamming)
I guess I gave you guys
a ticket or something.
- (gunshots banging)
- Carl!
(Kyle groaning)
They would've shot you too.
Johnny, if you open that door,
guess who's body I'm gonna step back into?
Our friend is dead because of you!
Eddie, I'm sorry.
(ominous music)
Guys, what happened?
- He seriously thought it was
all over a parking ticket.
It would've made him proud.
Like he was going out in a blaze of glory.
- (Eddie chuckling)
- I was right there.
(door thudding)
So, how's your stay been?
Hello.
Sweetheart, could you head on upstairs
and sit tight for a bit?
First bedroom on the right.
Okay, sounds good.
(heels clicking)
Oh, it was really nice meeting everyone.
- Well, you've all certainly
made quite the mess,
haven't you?
You knew about all of this?
Yeah, I'm in the loop.
Hey, Rhonda, our friend
here is a little worked up.
Could you come adjust his attitude please?
(ominous music)
(Kyle groans)
- Cute.
- You better not fuck this up.
Darling, have I ever let you down?
Just kidding, don't answer that.
Let's chat.
- Rhonda.
- He won't hurt him.
It's true.
See I'm trying to unfuck
this whole situation.
Killing the oldest young man I've ever met
wouldn't be too beneficial.
Just a sec.
I hope Kyle isn't scared.
He's not.
When she takes over your body or whatever,
you just blank out.
You don't know what's happening.
- How about we go ahead and get
that out of his hands there.
Thank you.
All right, go ahead.
She's waiting.
(ominous music)
(Kyle gasps)
Welcome back, chief.
Okay, full disclosure.
My dead wife is currently
inside that hooker,
and is waiting for one of you gentlemen
to go on up and seal the deal.
Let me back it up a bit.
Sit down.
(Oscar sighs)
Here's the thing.
I killed my wife.
Now, I know that sounds terrible,
but trust me I had my reasons.
What were your reasons?
She loved me too damn much.
Gee, what a heartless bitch.
Hey, it was suffocating.
So, I started cheating on her.
That kinda balanced things
out, made me feel less trapped.
But then she found out
about the other ladies,
and boy oh boy she turned
into a nasty piece of work.
She started cheating on me.
And I know what you're thinking.
Yes, fair is fair, but boys,
she only did it because she
knew it would drive me crazy.
Now that's fucked up.
So, yeah, yeah, I went a little batty.
But I handled it like a gentlemen.
I just kept cheating.
I didn't think about
killing her or nothing.
But then, one day after
finding a new shade of lipstick
on my shirt, she just went off.
Said she wanted a divorce,
which actually made me want
her even more, go figure.
But then she threatened to take my house.
My house.
No way I was gonna butter that biscuit.
So, in the heat of the moment I hired
a trio of hitmen to come kill her.
I knew it'd take three, she's a handful.
Anyway, those hired guns
are the same fine folks
surrounding the house right now.
We're very close.
So, (clears throat), Rhonda's dead, right?
And I'm feeling good and free,
until I found out that she's
haunting the goddamn place.
Typical Rhonda.
At first, she's just
knocking pictures off walls
and slamming doors and windows shut,
but then she starts possessing every woman
I bring home one by one.
You see, Rhonda can only be heard
when she's in someone else's body.
And once she figured that out,
the bitch just wouldn't shut up.
She tells me I need to get
her a body and a new man.
Someone who she can take
over for the long haul,
and someone who she can
undoubtedly smother to death.
I decide the only way to
get this show on the road
is by offering up a
good old buffet of men.
Everything was going swimmingly until
the chosen one here just
couldn't get it done.
Things got a little caddy,
so now we've got a dead
stripper on our hands.
Awesome.
Couple unconscious cops, that's for that.
And yeah, a possessed prostitute
who's just waiting to feel like a woman.
Now, seeing as how her
judgment has failed her,
I have been granted authority
to pick her paramour.
Tom, what's going on out there?
[Tom] Got a girl, pretty hot.
Oscar, who's out there?
- Ask what her name is.
- What's your name?
Kim.
Please just let her go.
[Tom] What do you want done with her?
Don't do anything.
Don't hurt her.
Don't scare her.
Don't aim guns at her.
Just sit tight.
[Tom] Copy that.
Now, let's get to it.
(Oscar chuckling)
No, no, no.
You're the one who, you
scream like a baby, right?
- I'm the one who expressed
my fear at a high volume, yes.
Great, great, so you're out too.
In fact, I'm gonna give
you guys a little task.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say
that my spiteful wife probably
did not tie up those cops.
So, let's tend to that need shall we?
There's a rope in the bedroom.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Bottom drawer.
Fetch that and get those
piggies nice and bound.
Come on (clapping).
(Ben panting)
But you, you my friend.
Hell, I'm thinking you two are
just a couple of lost causes
who just downright need each other.
Well, actually, I'm still healing from
- a pretty bad breakup and I-
- Thank you, Oscar.
- Don't think I would be-
- For this golden opportunity.
The best candidate for that.
Now, you get up on up there.
Don't mention a word about me killing her.
It's a touchy subject.
First bedroom on the right.
(Oscar sighs)
Get a move on, guys.
Duty calls.
Who's up for small talk?
I mean this weather, am I right?
Yeah, it feel so good.
(fist knocking)
Hi, there.
Hey, Rhonda.
Sup?
Shut the door, stud.
Now, get over here.
I'm here.
Yeah, you are, big boy.
Now, we'll just, let's
take off your shirt.
Cool, cool, cool.
I'm in a vulnerable place right now,
but I love my friends very
much and I know that I need
to do this so that they
can be set free, so-
Let's set you free.
Yeah, okay.
(rope creaking)
Don't mind, do you guys?
Sheila broke my heart.
Aw, brother, I'm sorry to hear that.
How are you?
- Well, I haven't been
able to fuck every since,
so that's shitty.
It's pretty figured out.
I just got what I deserved.
(Johnny sniffling)
But now because I
couldn't do the one thing
I've been any good at, we're stuck here.
Carl's dead because of me.
I'm sorry, man.
[Ben] I'm sorry too.
You've got nothing to be sorry for.
[Ben] You're not an asshole, Johnny,
I was wrong about that.
But I have to do this.
(Johnny gagging)
(Ben whimpering)
Rhonda, Rhonda.
Rhonda, please.
Rhonda.
- (Hope moaning)
- Oh, Rhonda.
Yeah, oh!
Call me whatever name you want.
- (Hope moaning)
- Goodbye, Taylor.
Goodbye.
(Hope moaning)
(bed creaking)
(shoes squeaking)
Hey, Ben, you okay?
- [Ben] I just need some
me time right now, okay?
Where's Johnny?
[Ben] We just need time to ourselves,
so just back off please.
Take all the time you need, Ben.
Worried about your lady friend?
Yeah, I am.
Hey, Tom, Bradley, let the girl in.
(door slamming)
She must really be something, huh?
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, you?
- Yeah, I'm just um,
I'm a little confused,
but I'm happy to see you.
Could we talk privately?
Take the master bedroom, guys.
- (hand slapping)
- Oh, shit!
(Kim sighs)
I know this is terrible timing,
but I need to tell you something.
What is it?
I'm in love with you, Eddie.
(Jeff grunting)
(Hope moaning)
- (Jeff sighs)
- Oh, honey.
Oh, that made me feel good.
I'm glad I didn't let you down.
- (Jeff chuckling)
- You're sweet.
I like that.
- I'm uh, I'm sorry about
what your husband did to you.
- Husband?
(both laughing)
What are you talking about?
Kim, I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Uh, you're uh, you're Rhonda, right?
- I'm supposed to let
you keep calling me that,
but you look a little
freaked out right now,
and I kinda like you.
But I'm not Rhonda, I'm Hope.
Guess they're hitting it off, huh?
(Ben panting)
Have you guys seen Johnny?
You said he wanted time to himself.
- (eerie music)
- No, I don't remember that.
- Wait, wait, wait,
Ben, did you blank out?
Oscar, where's Johnny?
Uh, yeah, about that.
- It's just not right and I-
- Shut up.
I just wanted to give you what you wanted,
but no, no, no, you're just
like all the rest of them.
You talk and you talk like
you're so damn sensitive,
like you really care,
but really you're just
a little boy who can't
make up his fucking mind.
- Kim, I'm just trying to be
a good person and I'm sorry-
(Kim giggling)
- Oh, Eddie, you think you're
so loyal, but you're not.
You're not, you're just a fucking coward!
Ah, you've put me in a bit of a bind,
and I needed to buy your silence.
Oscar, what did you do?
- If any of you says a word,
Johnny's body will magically
turn up and guess whose
fingerprints are all over his neck?
Those cops'll be found
too and so will the gun
that Johnny knocked little
miss nightstick out with.
It'll all be pinned on him and
Ben, just two crazy assholes
who snapped and then turned on each other.
- Hey, Kim-
- I'm not Kim, you idiot!
I'm Rhonda!
(dramatic music)
Uh, Tom, we got a situation in here.
- I hate you!
(fists thudding)
(Oscar groaning)
Don't do that!
- (gunshot banging)
- Neal!
Where the fuck are you going?
Stay here and lock the door.
(Neal groaning)
(Neal panting)
- Oh, my God.
(Kyle panting)
Hey, man.
Tom, hold your goddamn fire.
(Neal groaning)
Adult healthcare isn't my field,
but I look pretty fucked.
- Just relax, okay?
(Neal gasps)
We're gonna get you some help.
Oscar, you have to call 911.
He's already gone.
I'm not going anywhere.
(Neal groaning)
I'm not going anywhere.
(Eddie crying)
(Kyle sighs)
(Eddie panting)
Where's Johnny?
Oh, Jeff, Johnny's dead.
What?
[Rhonda] Do you have to ruin everything?
Hey, this is not on me?
Oh, honey, this is all on you.
- Dude, all you had to do
was just take what you want!
All you had to do was take her!
I didn't want her.
Yeah, Oscar, don't you know?
All Eddie wants is to bitch and moan.
He doesn't actually wanna
do anything about it-
What the fuck do you want?
You act like you wanna
get rid of each other,
but that is bullshit.
Call me coward, but you
take a look at yourself.
You were never gonna leave him.
He killed you and you still didn't leave!
No matter what you say, Rhonda,
you didn't stay for revenge.
You're just obsessed with him.
And you, you didn't stick around
for the house, you dumb fuck.
You stuck around for her!
You pushed her away because you were
not willing to let her in.
But as soon as she started to walk,
you made sure that she
could never leave you.
You people are so damn scared,
that you're willing to destroy
yourselves and each other,
and anyone who crosses your path.
Willing to destroy my friends.
All so you won't have to
put yourselves out there
and face the truth and
that will not be me.
I love my fiancee.
I have my fears, but I'm not
gonna run away and keep chasing
the next thing just because
sometimes I'm an idiot.
She knows me and I know her.
We're not gonna try to own each other,
we're gonna take care of each other,
and we're gonna build something together.
Those are my fucking vows.
I don't give a shit about
who haunts my dreams, Rhonda,
because I'm awake now.
You can either wake up
too or you stay locked in
your toxic little mind
fuck of a relationship.
Either way, I'm getting married tomorrow.
So, get the fuck out of our way!
(light dramatic music)
He's right.
I wanna be with you.
I wanna hear your voice.
- I wanna see your face.
- Really?
There's only one way I can do that now.
(gun clicking)
Oh, Oscar.
Are you insane?
Fuck you, Tom, you killed my wife.
- You paid me to.
- Oh, stop it
with your goddamn technicalities.
This is love.
To hell with logic.
(ominous music)
(gunshot banging)
(Kim gasping)
What the fuck?
You're okay.
You got my friend all twisted up.
Now he can't even pay me!
Guys, get in here.
We gotta wipe 'em out.
- Stand down, motherfucker.
- What?
Fuck you, Hank!
Bradley, lets-
(rifle butt thudding)
Boys, I'm back.
Right, I took off the mask,
but I still have this dude's face.
So, anyways, it's me.
It's Neal.
After I you know, died, I decided
to stick around for a bit.
So, I took over this asshole.
You're welcome.
Fuckin' maniac, I love it!
(both chuckling)
Caught some of your speech back there.
Good stuff.
Hell, even made me reconsider marriage.
Granted that ship has kinda
sailed for me, but anyway,
you're doing the right thing.
I'm happy for you.
- That's definitely a Neal-
- Johnny?
- Johnny?
- Johnny?
Johnny?
[All] Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!
- No, it's just me, Carl.
- Oh, Carl.
- Sorry, Carl.
- Sorry, Carl.
No, it's okay.
I'm used to being overlooked.
It's the story of my life,
and death apparently.
Hey, thank you for saving us.
- Yeah, well, I was up
there experiencing bliss
for the first time.
And then Neal pops up and
says you guys need some help
from somebody with experience
in law enforcement.
- So, you know, no big.
- Come here, man.
Hey, come give my best man a hug, boys.
- What?
- Oh, exactly what I thought.
(guys laughing)
- I love that.
- Hey, where's Johnny though?
I don't know.
I didn't see him.
He must've stuck around.
I'm sure he's fine.
You know, dead, but fine.
- Hey, guys, guys, this
is beautiful and all,
but what the hell is going on?
Someone took my drugs.
(somber music)
We love you, brother.
Rehearsal dinner is in an hour.
Johnny would want us there.
- So, so, you guys are gonna
put a sheet over me, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh huh.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Yeah.
- So, uh, Neal, is that
what you're gonna wear?
(Neal chuckling)
I'll make do.
As soon as we're done though,
I'm gonna head back up.
Don't wanna spend my
afterlife haunting Dusty.
Gotta let the man live.
Besides, I do not wanna be
inside this asshole for long.
(Ben giggling)
Yeah right.
- Oh just say it.
- Sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
I can't believe I died for you fuckers.
(Officer Mooney groaning)
(light dramatic music)
- Then he realized, "Oh,
shit, I actually do love her."
Then he shot himself so he
could be with her forever.
- And then I took over
this guy and charged in
because the other hitman
was about to shoot them.
Yeah and then I possessed this hitman
and knocked the other guy out.
- You people are outta your goddamn-
Hanson, I'll handle this.
That all sounds about right.
No questions here and thank you
for being great law abiding citizens.
Jeff, what happened to that hooker?
Oh, shit.
Hanson, where are you off to?
- [Officer Hanson] Off
to get a new partner.
Oh, okay.
- Well, it's been real-
- No!
(Officer Mooney chuckling)
Y'all probably hadn't noticed,
but there was some friction between us.
- I dunno.
- What? No.
- No, not really.
- Yeah, yeah, it was subtle,
but anyway, you guys better hit the road
and get to that rehearsal
dinner and I'm gonna head on out
to the car and radio some folk.
Oh, God.
Life is so precious.
And here I am in hiding all the time
because I'm scared to live.
No more.
I love you guys so much.
And I'm gonna grab the
reins of life by the horns,
and I am gonna love myself.
(Boyd sighs)
The drugs wore off.
La, la, la, la
Didn't hear that (chuckling).
Oh, right, uh, my gun.
Oh, uh, right over there.
- Yeah, yeah, you got your
old partner's gun too.
Not sure which one he shot himself with.
- Oh, copy that.
(Eddie chuckling)
- Man, just listening to you
freestyle your vows made me
realize that I have got
to break up with Isabella.
I don't wanna build stuff with her.
That is not gonna happen.
- Yeah, I mean it's like
what I said, you know?
Some men are born to fly free, you know?
And some men are born to mold young minds,
and to make sweet love
to their wife tonight.
And to stop jerking off
to their friend's stories.
Yeah, I'm hearing it, it's weird.
I'm gonna stop.
Got 'em.
Hey and congratulations, man.
And you keep the peace, you hear?
Thank you.
Will do, Officer.
Just working my beat, sir.
Just working my beat.
I got a sheet for your body, Carl.
Ah, thanks, Jeff.
You ready?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do this.
(gentle music)
- Say, Eddie.
- Yeah, what's up?
I was wondering is it okay if I start
my sobriety after the wedding?
Oh, uh, sure.
I mean, whatever works.
- [Boyd] Okay, so in that
case, where's, where's,
- where's my bag of drugs?
- Um...
Bye, body.
I'll miss you.
- [Mason] So I'm assuming
you guys want me explain
the whole body swap
thing to Jenny and Dusty?
- Yes.
- Fair enough, fair enough.
I mean, I did find the house, right boys?
- Oh, my-
- Just drop it.
[Mason] Yeah, yeah, you know what?
- You drop it.
- Good communication guys.
Very good.
[Boyd] Has anyone seen my drugs?
(bed rattling)
(Courteney moaning)
(Johnny moaning)
[Courteney] Oh, my God.
Oh, You are amazing.
- [Johnny] Oh, Courteney,
as soon as I saw you,
I felt that (moans) that
deep, deep connection.
Once that crazy bitch
took you over though-
[Rhonda] I can hear you.
- [Johnny] And you deserve
to hear every word,
you fuckin' psycho!
- [Oscar] Hey, you watch
your mouth, mister!
[Courteney] Shut the fuck up!
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
(bed rattling)
(Courteney moaning)
[Johnny] You wanna go heaven, baby?
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, then let's go!
(Courteney moaning)
(Johnny moaning)
Ah, fuck, I gotta get to
this rehearsal dinner.
- See you up there?
- Oh, you know it.
Woo, ghost Johnny.
All right, time to take this crazy
bearded fucker for a ride.
(ominous music)
- [Officer Mooney] And we're
gonna see what we can do here.
- Evening, officer.
(Officer Mooney gasps)
(gunshot banging)
(ghost Johnny groaning)
[Officer Mooney] Sorry.
(upbeat music)
Saw you standing in the
corner in a black dress
And it revved me up
Made me think about things
I hadn't thought about
Since long ago
And it feels all right to fly so high
My blood is boiling I'm a primal guy
We got fire
Love in a cage
I can see the sweat
dripping down your thighs
To your tall white boots
In my mind your body's
drawing me a road map
With your dance moves
And it's you up there
on a stage so high
On a private island perched in the sky
We got fire
Love in a cage
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
I'm going home
Alone again tonight
(dark ominous music)
(ominous music)
(blood splattering)
(eerie music)
Your kingdom awaits.
Holy moly.
Cece would flip over this place.
Yes, indeed.
- I done good, boys.
- Uh huh.
- No wonder he's the best man.
- Oh, actually-
Actually, we're all the best men, so.
That's right, equals.
Eddie couldn't choose between us.
His compassion knows no bounds.
- That's right, feels good.
- Yeah.
- He's a coward.
- Thanks, bud.
Ow, that hurts.
All right, moving on.
That is just lovely.
So, if you gentlemen will follow-
- You know, actually,
Eddie was my best man.
And I'm sure if he had to pick one,
it would be me, but you know,
I'm just happy to be a part of the team
as like their captain.
Happy to have you, man.
Seriously?
I found the house.
So I think team captain might be a bit
of a stretch there, Kyle.
- So, this is your elegant dining area-
Okay, wait.
Just hold up.
Mason, no one asked you to do that.
Team captains are proactive people.
You'd know that if you
were true captain material.
I have five kids.
I'm pretty sure I'm more qualified to lead
than some flighty musician
who doesn't even make music.
- Let's keep the lines of
communication open, guys.
Sharing yields nothing but positivity.
Lotta love.
Yup.
Great.
So here we have a kitchen that I think
you'll really enjoy, gentlemen.
It's something I'm quite proud of.
(Oscar chuckling)
No, your eyes do not deceive you.
There are multiple cutting
boards, sorted jams and jellies.
Cece who would go to town in here.
I mean we could feed our
a little army just fine.
- Kyle, have you guys ever
had sex and not had a kid?
- Oh.
- Yes.
Had to think about that, huh?
- (all chuckling)
- Aha, classic bro banters.
Good stuff, come on.
And now, presenting (imitates drum roll).
Take yourselves a little dip.
And yes, that is a salt water pool.
- Okay.
- Total notch water, boys.
Nailed it!
Aha, kids will go bananas in this.
Kyle, do you have a family or something?
It's hard to tell.
I know, I know I'm going on about
my wife and kids too much.
We're having ourselves a boys trip.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know what I'm sayin'?
I love to pal around.
Talking about Johnny's
latest conquest in what not.
Yeah, it gets weird.
Yeah, that Johnny sure gets around, huh?
- The old sly dog.
- Yeah, poor Sheila, right?
Whoa, how do you know Johnny?
Well, I don't.
It's just the way vicarious
Victor over here was talking,
I mean, I know the type.
(upstairs door slamming)
Must've left the window open.
Gets a little drafty up there.
Excuse me.
So, do you guys all think it's weird?
You mean, like Johnny talks about women
and you practically jerk
off in front of everyone?
Nah.
(Eddie laughing)
Don't know what you're laughing about.
- What?
- As soon as Jenny
locks your ass down you
are gonna be racking up
all sorts of hours at the spank bank.
Spank bank.
Yeah, making deposits and
withdrawals about Kim all day.
- Right, boys?
- Kim is a friend
just like you guys, that's it.
Totally, except you don't wanna fuck us.
No, only Neal wants to fuck us.
I'm gay, not desperate.
Sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
That was great, guys, thanks.
(phones ringing)
Oh, looks like Carl's not coming.
What, what did he say?
Congrats on being better than me.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Dot dot dot, single tear emoji.
What the hell, man?
Hey, I get it.
I wouldn't wanna be the only one here
who isn't a groomsman either.
- Best man.
- (chuckling) I am?
- Yeah!
- You are all best men.
- We've talked about this.
- Great.
I feel terrible, I love that guy.
Oh my God, do not feel bad about Carl.
It's not like he isn't used to rejection.
The guy is a parking enforcement
officer for God's sake.
I mean, his whole life
is one big rejection.
Nice.
- Hey, big on clarity.
- Yeah.
Big on being a piece of shit.
- Stop it, stop it!
(Mason laughing)
(Oscar chuckling)
Gentlemen, uh, I forgot
about an important matter
that I have to tend to.
So if you will kindly excuse me,
I'm sure you can finish
up the tour yourself.
I'm sure you'll find everything
to be to your satisfaction.
- Me casa is su casa-
- Hey, su casa.
That's right, enjoy your stay.
- Thanks, Oscar.
- Right on.
- Thank you.
- Gracias.
Well, he's crazy so that's cool.
(light guitar music)
- Is there anything you
wanna actually ask me?
- No.
- You sure?
No questions here.
All answers.
Where'd you get those pants though?
- The pants store.
- Ooh.
Hey, how you doing back there, bud?
- Just keeping my aquaphobia
from paralyzing me with fear.
Thank you for checking.
- Hey, Ben, did the other
stuntmen beat you up
and take your lunch money?
- Wait, what about that
movie where you dove into
that lake because that house
was blowing up behind you?
There were regulations.
There was protocol.
That is wild water.
Chaos.
(Eddie laughing)
- All right, um, hey.
- What?
Why didn't you bring Isabella?
- Dude, that'd be like
kicking things up a notch,
and I ain't ready for that.
- You've been with her
for two years, Mason.
You can't keep stringing her along, man.
Hey, I am not stringing her along.
Look, I even break up with
her every once in a while.
If I was stringing her along
then there'd be no timeouts obviously.
You know he's right, Mason.
You gotta make a choice.
Maybe you're just meant
to fly free, you know?
Stay on the prowl.
- Yeah, so Kyle can whack
off to your stories too.
- (guys laughing)
- Oh, ha ha, very funny.
- Cashing checks at the
spank bank (laughing).
Remember the, remember
the spank bank thing?
Jeff, just let it go man.
Copy that.
You know I would expect someone with
a broken heart to be a
little more sympathetic.
That's all I'm saying, Jeff.
You know you're right, Kyle, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to
yuk it up with the boys.
Just trying to forget, but now I remember.
- All too well.
- Goddamn it, Kyle.
I would've done anything for Taylor.
Anything, I was even about to get a job.
Yeah, that might've helped.
- Is that why you and
Dusty aren't married?
Because you're unemployed?
- What?
- Jeff, I'm a pediatrician.
- Animals?
- Are you kidding me?
Cool, when did you start doing that?
- Uh, it's only been a thing
for about a decade now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.
- Meow.
- As to why I'm not married
to Dusty, I just don't
want us to ever feel
like we're locked into something.
You know, we're together
because we wanna be together,
not because we think we have to be.
But hey, congrats.
(Eddie splashing)
(guys laughing)
You guys want some drugs?
Happy bachelor party, cocksucker.
- Sorry, Neal.
- Oh, sorry, Neal.
It means a lot.
Hey, Johnny, looks like we're gonna be
rooming together, so.
Oh, cool.
Cool, that will not be weird at all.
Yes.
Happy birthday, Eddie.
Thanks, Boyd.
[Johnny] You want one too, my boy?
- All right.
- Yeah, boy.
Well, you know what?
We're all gonna give speeches on Saturday.
So I think it's time for ole
Eddie here to say a few words.
Fuck yeah, words!
- Let's hear 'em!
(Boyd chuckling)
[Johnny] Raise 'em up.
All right, um...
Okay, um...
- Eddie.
- Yeah?
Dude, you're a fucking English teacher.
Bring on the words.
All right, all right, all right,
relationships are work, but
when you're with the right
person it is incredibly
rewarding work and it's uh, nice.
So, I can't imagine a better
coworker as it were than Jenny.
- Drink please.
- So...
(guys groaning)
Yeah, I love her.
- You are so fucked, bro.
(guys laughing)
All right, gentlemen, let's
burn this fucker down!
(guys cheering)
(board game pieces tapping)
Best man?
The bachelor is playing ladybug checkers.
You are the worst man.
- [Mason] Hey, I found
the house, motherfucker.
[Eddie] Johnny, you'll all best men.
- Are you saying that
I have that kinda power
and there are no women here?
You guys couldn't tell me?
Dude, I did tell you.
[Johnny] Well, I don't always listen,
- but that's not the point.
- Kinda seems like the point.
- By the way, you owe me
200 bucks for the house.
Oh, for the house with no strippers?
Hey, man, I tried, all right?
But ole Eddie here put his foot down.
Not my thing, bro.
- I mean, come on, Johnny,
like you need strippers.
Out there bare doggin' like you do.
(Kyle chuckling)
Hey, since we're on the subject,
how are the ladies
treating you these days?
Because I'm a gentlemen, Kyle,
the only thing I'm going
to say on this subject
is that they have been very kind.
And also that by very
kind I mean super horny.
- We've got this new hostess-
- Don't you have any remorse?
About what?
Oh, over the fact that we're
not in Vegas right now.
- Fuck yes I do.
- No, Johnny.
You broke Sheila's heart
and now you're just
gallivanting about.
Jeff, the chick was insane.
She told me that she loved me.
- Man, what a psycho.
- Preach.
Anyway, I don't wanna talk about
that crazy clinger, all right?
Guys, this is Eddie's night
and it is currently a deeply shameful one.
So we need to salvage
this shit, all right?
With that in mind, you need
to hook up with the uh,
who's the volleyball
coach with the great ass?
- Oh, Kim.
- Kim.
- Are you serious?
- Kim, yes!
Here's what we're doing.
Call Kim, have Kim come over here.
Make sure that Kim brings friends, right?
- Come on.
- Look, I don't feel
that way about Kim, okay?
She's a friend and she's
a coworker and that's it.
- Eddie, did you not just
give a whole terrible speech
about how much you love
fucking your coworkers?
That's not what I said.
Okay, well I told you I tune out.
Hey, Johnny, bro, I love you,
but Eddie's about to join the
ranks of the happily married.
Okay, so don't even joke
about him cheating on
his truly beloved because
it's never, ever gonna happen
no matter how frustrated
or curious he gets.
So, just fuckin' drop it, okay?
Wow, that was depressing.
(fist knocking)
Hey, come on in, Carl.
- Oh, sweet, see at least we
can watch this crazy fucker
implode 'cause we've gotta have
some sort of entertainment.
Hey, boys.
Hello, I'm Courteney.
I'm here to satisfy all
your fantasies or some shit.
Anyway, I was told to change into
a red dress before we get started.
Told by whom?
The guy who's paying for my time.
Who cares?
He said it was in the master bedroom.
- Will you point me to it?
- My room?
Whatever.
(heels clicking)
Get less weird, okay?
- Uh, no, telling
strippers to put clothes on
is not my style, all right?
I do like her spirit though.
(Boyd gasping)
Mason came through, yeah, yeah!
- Oh, no, no, believe me I'd
take credit for it if I had.
She's no Taylor.
No one is.
Cool, tits.
Awesome.
- I just hope she feels
like she's in a safe place.
All right, boys.
Here's the deal.
Only one of you is going to
get to see me completely naked.
- What?
- What?
- But the one that does gets
to see me naked in the bedroom.
- Yeah.
(guys laughing)
Yes!
Let's mingle.
Dibs.
(upbeat electronic music)
Girl I want your time,
but I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want your time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
Girl I want your time,
but I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want you time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
Lovers eyes bounce all around the room
And they're beautiful
Like I've never seen a pair before
They look dead certain
and they land on me
And I feel so lucky
Lucky enough to believe
that I'm someone different
Someone special, someone not ugly
Foolish enough for a moment to believe
You could love me, someone love me
Girl I want your time
and I ain't gonna get it
Girl I want your time
and it's making me sick
If you want my time,
girl, come and get it
If you want my time,
you can have every bit
- Well, guys, I think
it's night night time.
Johnny, I'll see you in there.
- Uh, Kyle.
- Huh?
You think you could maybe go sleep in
somebody else's room there, little buddy?
Because it might be a little
gay if you're in there.
Sorry, Neal.
- Sorry, Neal.
- Okay, good night.
- Don't worry about,
I'll have my rain app.
So, essentially I'll be transported
into an Amazonian jungle, man.
It's like I won't even be
there, so night fellas.
Good night.
You all right, brother?
- Yeah, I think I caught some
Xanax in that last handful.
Maybe a pinch of Valium.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done.
- Night, Boyd.
- Night, man.
Oh, shit.
Don't worry, it happens.
[Boyd] Yeah, it doesn't always happen.
(rain sounds pattering)
(lips smacking)
- [Johnny] Looks like
he's out pretty cold.
(Johnny sighs)
(belt rustling)
(crickets chirping)
(water trickling)
You still hanging or what?
Gonna be up for a while,
but I'm just gonna work on my vows, so.
- Shit, no pressure there huh?
- Yeah.
Ah, smooth.
- You old scumbag.
(Mason chuckling)
You having second thoughts?
No, man, of course not.
Ah, hell, I have second, third, fourth,
fifth thoughts about Isabella everyday.
So if you are questioning
things, even just a little bit,
I'm your guy.
Mason, are you just trying to find out
if you're the real best man, is that it?
I did find the house, so (chuckling).
- I hadn't heard that.
- Yeah, people need to know.
- Love you, big dog.
- Love you too, buddy.
(Mason grunting)
(door slamming)
- [Mason] Still smells
like stripper in here.
(Eddie chuckling)
(Courteney lightly moaning)
- (Johnny groaning)
- What's wrong?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
No, no, nothing, baby.
Give me just one second.
(Johnny groaning)
(Johnny sighs)
It's okay, Johnny, it happens.
Well it never used to happen to me.
I love fucking.
It is my passion, but I've been hanging
out with this girl, Sheila.
Like actually hanging
out and talking a lot,
which is super weird for me.
But I liked it.
I liked her.
And one day there we were just mid fuck
and I just couldn't hold it back anymore.
So I blurted it out and I
told her that I loved her,
and she um, told me that
um, she was just having fun.
I lost it.
I mean, I lost my mind.
My erection and I tried.
Believe me, I tried.
I went out there and just tried
to bang the pain away, you know?
But my soldier ain't marching,
and I think that it's
just 'cause I didn't have
a connection with any
of those other girls.
So, what about me and you?
- I cannot believe I'm
getting ready to say this
because your tits are on
point, but I thought I felt
a connection with you
earlier, but I don't.
So I can't, I can't do this.
By this I mean, you know, you.
So, what?
You were just gonna use me for my body?
I mean, yeah.
Well, I thought you'd be okay with that
(Courteney scoffs)
being a stripper and all.
I'm not really a stripper, Johnny.
- Oh, you certainly give off
a very stripper-like vibe.
(Courteney gasps)
Okay, unbelievable.
You are just like every other asshole.
No, no, no, I'm not.
That's exactly what
I'm trying to tell you.
Every other asshole woulda
plowed you silly by now,
but I can't.
(Courteney scoffs)
I'm broken!
(door slamming)
(hands thudding)
(pen tapping)
You okay?
Why do I always go for the assholes?
- Oh, well, you know
from a female perspective
I definitely get why you
think that about Johnny,
but he's a great guy, really.
You're one of the good ones, huh?
I'm trying to be.
- Oh.
- Wow.
Yeah, I'm freaking out.
Do you think she's not the one?
- I know a lotta married
people have thoughts, you know?
And it doesn't mean they
don't love their partner.
It's just people get curious and-
Anyone in particular?
Her name's Kim.
Uh, we teach together
and we just have always
gotten along really well.
There's definitely an attraction there.
I mean, it's all completely innocent.
We've never come close to crossing any-
Who do you dream about?
Who haunts your dreams, Eddie?
I can't call off this wedding.
Jenny doesn't deserve that.
I can tell you really appreciate her.
Most guys just put their
own feelings first.
I wish my ex-husband showed
me a little more appreciation.
One of the assholes, huh?
Yeah.
I knew for years he was
pulling away from me,
but I just kept trying to
pull him in more and more.
Convinced myself that
I could make it work.
I wasted my life on him.
I don't know about that.
I think you've still got
some life left in you.
(Courteney chuckling)
I'm starting to think so too.
And I'm definitely ready to move on.
- (Courteney chuckling)
- What?
I was wearing this dress when I met him.
He went on and on about it,
telling me how beautiful I was.
What, I thought that wasn't your dress?
No, it's, it's just a long story.
Okay.
- Anyway, I don't know
why I wear the damn thing.
It used to make me feel confident,
and now I just feel stupid.
Well, for what it's worth I don't think
you're stupid at all.
I kinda like talking to you, so.
(Eddie chuckling)
All right, um, even though
I'm on such a role right now,
I'm gonna sleep on these vows here.
You wanna crash here?
- I can take the couch.
- That's okay, thank you.
Okay.
Oh, can I borrow your phone?
Mine's dead.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry, this is
gonna take a little while.
Oh, gotcha, yeah no problem.
Just leave it on the coffee table.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you, Eddie, for everything.
Sure.
All right, good night, Courteney.
Good night, heartbreaker.
Oh, boy.
(Eddie sighs)
(light eerie music)
I need more time.
(trash bag rustling)
(phone clicking)
(dramatic music)
(trash bag thudding)
Off you go, bitch.
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
Did you fuckers drug me?
(wind whistling)
We'll see what Tyrone
has to say about this.
(ominous music)
(Courteney sighs)
Well, I tried.
(Courteney sighs)
(suspenseful music)
(Courteney grunts)
(flesh squishing)
(door slamming)
(bottles clinking)
(Boyd sighs)
- (fist knocking)
- Hm?
Morning, Mason.
The stripper's dead.
(fist knocking)
Hey, guys, the stripper's dead.
What?
- I said, the stripper's dead.
- Uh huh.
(fist knocking)
Hey, hey.
Hey!
(Kyle groaning)
Why am I hearing you right now?
- You remember the stripper?
- Yeah.
- She's dead.
- Oh, God.
Morning, Johnny.
(Ben panting)
(fist knocking)
Hey, roomie.
That stripper's dead.
Is she okay?
No.
(Eddie sighs)
(fist knocking)
Hey, Eddie.
You have a boner.
Oh and the stripper's dead.
What? How?
Oh, it looks like natural causes.
She as a (stuttering) knife in her heart.
(light eerie music)
That's her, right there.
Okay, just confess.
Tell me who did it and I won't be mad.
- I can't believe you think
one of us would do this.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey now,
I'm not pointing any fingers.
Johnny had sex with her last night.
Dude, what the fuck?
Not uh, Boyd, no he didn't!
Well he could have if he wanted to,
it just didn't happen.
Yeah, no, I just, whatever.
I lost interest or changed my mind.
Or just not my type or what not.
- So, I made that choice.
- And it's fine.
Ben and Jeff, they don't have it in 'em.
- I can't believe you don't
think I have it in me.
Clear lines of communication, guys.
- This is good.
- Neal's gay, so he's out.
Sorry, sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
Okay, that one doesn't make sense.
- Mason would never kill
a perfectly good stripper.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So, in accordance with the
law of he smelt it dealt it,
Kyle, you're the prime suspect.
- Hey, uh uh, I only posed
the question of who did it.
You're the one who found her, Boyd.
So technically you smelt it.
Did I do it?
No, it wasn't me.
How are you so calm about this?
Drugs.
That leaves Eddie, which
makes perfect sense actually.
He's been secretly freaking
out about the wedding.
Maybe he snapped and
decided to kill a stripper
and go to jail just to avoid all of this.
Plus he woke up with a boner.
Whoa, what were you dreaming about?
Definitely Kim, duh.
- Yeah and Courteney.
(light eerie music)
"Who haunts your dreams?"
- What?
- It's classic psychobabble.
They all do it.
Eddie, please continue.
This dream sounds great.
- Kim and I were you know and
Courteney was talking to me.
Making me feel like it was okay.
Wait, she was just talking?
Like giving sex tips or?
- Guys, she's dead!
- Yeah, I haven't really
wrapped my mind around that, okay?
So, just let me cope.
Good, Kyle, very good.
- After you guys went to
bed she came back down here
and I told her about how I'm confused.
Told her how I feel about Kim.
Now I'm such a fuckin' asshole.
No, you're just a murderer.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I didn't kill her, Boyd!
I'm talking about the
fact that I'm dreaming
about another woman!
Oh, oh, you didn't kill her.
Gotcha.
Guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?
Oh, great, problem solved.
- I'm being respectful,
unlike you animals.
Look, none of us here did it,
so why don't we just call the cops?
- Hm.
- I'll do it.
- Maybe she got one dick pic
too many and just lost it.
- Or maybe it was the ghost.
(light eerie music)
I'm sorry, what was that?
- Oh, yeah, see, I found this
review online where this guy
he said he and his wife came here
and experienced strange occurrences.
And yeah I mean like windows
and doors opening on their own,
and stuff like that.
Yeah, so of course I told
Oscar about the review,
and was able to get the price down.
Thank you, Mason.
Mason, what the fuck, man?
- I didn't know the house
was haunted for sure.
I mean, all I knew is
I got us a killer deal.
Killer deal, good one.
- I mean, plus I figured if
it was haunted then cool,
we get to see a ghost!
Yeah, a little less cool now.
Mason, there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Then why are you mad at me
for renting a haunted house?
It's just confusing, Kyle.
(door slamming)
Let's get the hell outta here!
(dramatic music)
(sneakers squeaking)
(gunshot banging)
(dramatic music)
Nah, I'm gonna stay.
Sorry about that door.
It is a little drafty up there.
Guys, I can't find my phone.
What'd I miss?
Okay, so, just so we're on the same page.
There's allegedly a
ghost inside the house?
And there's definitely a
sniper outside the house.
Well, escaping sounds nice.
So, maybe we should check the back.
- Boyd, Boyd, no!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Boyd, no, Boyd!
(glass shattering)
(birds chirping)
Yeah, I got shot at.
Okay, we should just wait it out.
Someone will come and check on us.
What, no, we can't wait it out.
We have rehearsal dinner at 8:00.
Yeah, dude, your priorities are stupid.
Hey, no rehearsal dinner, no wedding.
It's very important.
- Besides anyone who comes
here might get shot at too.
I mean, Carl could be
here any minute guys.
We have to alert the authorities.
Our phones are gone, Ben.
Our laptops too.
We've been kicked off the goddamn grid.
I know how to signal the cops.
How?
(Boyd screeching)
[Tom] Shut up!
- Hey, man, what is-
- You shut up, too!
(glass shattering)
(ominous music)
Was that a ghost?
- Did you not just see the
crazy bearded fucker with a gun?
It's one of his asshole buddies up there.
Oh, well that's better.
Okay, I'm, I'm gonna go check it out.
Wait, no, we should all go.
Let's bring knives.
I want a knife.
We should bring knives.
Yeah, okay, knives sound good.
(light eerie music)
- What if he shoots you?
(Kyle sighs)
(Kyle panting)
No wait, hold on.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, a ghost
definitely did that.
I mean they love knocking
stuff off the walls.
Major hobby, boys.
Dude, stop it with that shit, all right?
One of those psychos is in this house.
We need to mob his ass and tear him apart.
No, no, we need to split up.
Otherwise he might just keep evading us.
Agreed, everyone take a buddy.
All right, you and me.
(light eerie music)
As soon as we make it outta here
I'm gonna propose to Taylor.
Ghosts and snipers really
put things into perspective.
I mean, I have to go for it.
Jeff, you already went for it man.
You gave it your all,
you have to know that.
It just, it needed to end.
No, I smothered her.
I clung too tightly because I was scared.
- Maybe, but she brought
all of that out in you.
Look, Taylor's great, but
she was never all the way in.
You never felt safe with her.
And you feel safe with Jenny?
Yeah, I do.
Then why are you having doubts?
Because I want her to feel safe with me,
and I don't know if she should.
[Jeff] Because of Kim?
(door handle rattling)
(ominous music)
- I don't want us to be
another one of those couples
that just hold each other back.
I mean what if she has her own Kim?
You know, someone, someone
she's wondering about.
Someone she'd have a chance with
if she weren't just stuck with me.
Not that I feel stuck with
Jenny, I'm just saying-
You don't have to say that, Eddie.
It's okay to admit that
you feel stuck with her.
Marrying Jenny would be a mistake.
(Ben panting)
(door handle rattling)
- Well, we tried, let's go.
- Hey, Ben.
Do you remember that
episode of NCSISISISISI?
Which one?
- "In Order," the one where
you rammed the door down.
- Hell yeah.
- Do that again.
That was cool.
- All right, all right, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah?
- All right, all right.
- Uh huh.
- Mm hm.
- Uh huh.
(dramatic music)
(Ben grunting)
(door creaking)
(Ben screaming)
(eerie music)
Whoa.
- Oh no.
- What?
Oh, oh, Ben, reward.
Ben, how much do you think the reward is?
I use money.
Let's go find her.
- No, Boyd, you can't
capitalize 'cause once you get-
- Hey, guys.
- Stab him.
Stab him, stab him!
Boom.
Way to defuse the situation, Ben.
Right, my condolences.
Maybe his wife is the ghost.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
She's missing, she's not necessarily dead.
She seems pretty dead to me.
- Hey, guys, we have a hot
ghost wife on the loose.
Mason, there's no ghost.
Stop acting like a child and just drop it.
- You know what, you look
like a child so shut up.
- Hey, you know what your
fans think you look like?
- What?
- Trick question.
You don't have any.
Why would you say that to me?
- (Kyle sighs)
- What's going on?
Here, take a look.
(eerie music)
Wonder what happened to her.
Maybe she fell for the wrong man.
(trash bag rustling)
[Mason] Well I'll be damned.
- What, what's in the bag?
(ominous music)
Whoa, dude, you okay?
Oh, yeah, feeling great.
Just really excited, that's all.
How did we get in here?
Dude, what the fuck is in the bag?
Mason!
Don't even think about it, Hank!
(bag splashing)
You threw it in the pool?
- I'm sure that Mason
has a sensible reason
for doing whatever he did.
- Ben, he threw our laptops
and phones in the fuckin' pool.
[Eddie] Why would you do that?
I didn't wanna ruin the fun!
(Mason groaning)
You think this is fun, Mason?
Huh, huh?
(Mason chuckling)
- I think you're a
misogynistic little bitch
that can't get it up.
- That's what I think.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
(Mason chuckling)
- Chill out, chill out.
- Dude, Mason, chill.
Go for Boyd.
No, I don't have any
more horse tranquilizers.
- Big month for those.
- Boyd, call 911!
Skittles, I gotta call 911 now.
- Deuces.
- Really dude?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Hey, 911, it's Boyd.
My friends told me to call you.
Yeah, it's bad.
Okay, I don't know, hold on.
What's the address.
- Guys, what's the address?
- Man, stop!
Where'd you get that?
- It's a burner, I use
it for selling drugs.
911, please hold for the address.
- It's uh, Greendale Street.
- 471, uh.
- Yeah, 471 Greendale Street.
- 471 Greendale Street.
- 911, Boyd is back.
(ominous music)
The address is 471 Green (gasping).
- (phone thudding)
- No, no, no, no!
Guys, what's going on?
Why would you do that?
I just want you to be happy.
If you left now, you wouldn't be.
Detox time, motherfucker.
Will somebody please tell me how the hell
we got back downstairs?
Quite playing games, Mason.
- I actually don't know
how we got upstairs.
- Really?
- Mason, you threw our phones
into the goddamn pool and
now you wanna fuck with us?
- No, the last thing I remember
was finding the phones.
- Oh, so what, somebody
took over your body
and then tossed all of our
fuckin' shit in the pool?
Yes, I was possessed!
Yeah, obviously, guys, come on.
- Jeff, you don't remember
how we got upstairs, right?
Okay, well, the first thing
you remember up there,
what was it?
- It was right before
Kyle started chasing you.
Yeah, that's when I blanked out.
So, the ghost must've gone from you to me,
and then, Boyd, I mean
you didn't even flinch
when Kyle flushed your
drugs down the toilet.
- Well, that's just
because I'm so drugged out
I don't even know what's going on.
I'm a wild man.
- Kyle, why'd you flush
Boyd's drugs down the toilet?
Oh, fuck off, Mason.
- Okay, he flushed the
drugs because Boyd made
a call to 911 on his drug phone,
but then he smashed it before
he finished giving the address.
The hot ghost wife is in Boyd.
That's absurd.
What's the capital of Tennessee?
- Nashville.
- Boyd wouldn't know that.
- Maybe Mason's right.
- What?
- Yeah, because if that
was Boyd he would be
diving into that toilet right now.
(suspenseful music)
Whoa, I'm feeling a little weird.
I think it's all those drugs that I took.
(Boyd stammering)
(ominous music)
Hey, where are my drugs?
- Boyd's back.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, you shook like that
as soon as you took the bag.
I did?
That must be the tell, boys.
We get all shaky and shit
when she enters or exists.
- Okay, did anybody shake
after she vacated Boyd?
- Well, since apparently
we've all gone crazy,
I think one of us should ask a question
that only we know the answer to.
On the count of three,
we'll all answer it.
Whoever gets it wrong,
that's who she's in.
Okay, okay, um...
All right, what did Carl say
to parking enforcement officer
when she gave us the ticket in Daytona?
Ben, will you count us off?
- Right after three, okay?
- Yeah.
One, two, okay, three!
[All] Dammit, we bleed the same blood.
The only thing that stands between peace
and anarchy is us, by God!
This is cannibalism.
Are you single?
Guys, I still can't find my drugs.
All clear, so what do we do now?
- I think we should form a
circle and share our feelings.
(light eerie music)
Except for that.
This circle is a safe place, a haven.
A sanctuary for our souls.
Eddie, share what's in your heart.
Okay, um, I can't do this.
I can't either.
I mean because there's obviously nothing
at all weird going on with me, so.
- That's right, there's
nothing weird going on, so.
- Guys, please, Eddie
needs to unburden himself.
I meant that I can't get married.
- Traitor!
- Kyle.
Shame has no place here.
- Aren't you afraid that no
one will ever love you again?
And that you just slip into oblivion?
Jeffrey, this isn't a Q and A.
Well, at least we didn't get dragged
into this mess for no reason.
Oh, wait, we did.
Kyle, this is your second warning.
Don't worry, I got you big guy.
Mason, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
this was a circle jerk.
- Spank bank.
- Close enough, Jeff.
- Shut the fuck up!
(hands slamming)
Do you think this shit's a game?
We're sharing feelings, motherfucker,
and Eddie's goddamn time.
So, respect the fucking circle!
Oh, what?
You didn't think big Ben could flex?
I'm from Burbank, bitch.
91504, that's my zip (screams).
It touched me, it touched me.
He touched me, he touched me.
Hi.
(sirens wailing)
(Kyle chuckling)
Boys, the cops are here.
We're going home.
(sneakers squeaking)
Officers, please come in.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I'm Officer Mooney and this
is my partner, Officer Hanson.
Did one of your citizens call 911?
Yes, sir, thank you for coming.
Hey, here to serve.
So, what seems to be the problem?
I got this.
Afternoon, officers.
So, we've rented this haunted house and-
- We came here last night
for a bachelor party.
- Ooh.
- When an uninvited
stripper showed up.
We woke up this morning and we
found her dead in the kitchen
with a knife in her heart.
None of us did it though.
Of course not.
I mean, why would you?
All right, gentlemen, first thing's first.
Show us where that body is.
Okay, right this way, officers.
- [Officer Mooney]
Approximately what time did you
discover the body?
- Like 8:30 or so?
- Yeah.
Are you telling me that you waited
four hours to call the police?
Well, things got complicated.
- Yeah.
- Mm hm.
No, sounds pretty simple to me.
A bunch of hedonistic hotheads decided
to kill themselves a stripper.
- Case closed.
- She's joking.
No, no, just come here.
No, Mooney, you're the joke.
Classic, classic (chuckling).
- We didn't call sooner because
our phones went missing.
They must've hidden from you,
but there are snipers outside.
Oh, snipers, huh.
Yeah, somehow I missed them.
Don't worry about it, Hanson,
'cause I didn't see them either.
[Kyle] Uh, okay, she was right there.
I believe you.
(tense music)
I think you're all on drugs.
Especially you.
You guys got an extra drug sniffing dog
that I could borrow?
All right, let's go find that body.
Yes indeed it did.
Oh my!
So, which one of you fine
gentlemen found this house?
Ah, that's be me, officer.
Nice work.
I dig it.
- [Dispatch] Officer Mooney,
has the caller been located?
Oh, yeah, we're all good here.
Just helping these fellas out, over.
Thank you for trusting us, sir.
Ah, no thanks necessary.
You see I'm not one of
those cynical cops who hears
a seemingly wild story, waves it all off,
and then calls you all
a bunch of crackpots.
All clear out there, Hanson?
- Yes!
- Copy that.
You see I'm an optimist.
I believe in the people.
(Officer Mooney sighs)
Well, this room is secured.
Onward.
(light eerie music)
Yep, I am all for the people.
See when people see me I want them to know
that their streets are
safe because I care.
And how can you care if
you don't believe in them?
And how can you inspire them
to believe in themselves?
You know what?
I forgot to check under
the couch back there.
- You're an idiot.
(Officer Mooney chuckling)
- Good policing is all about
being thorough, my men.
No stone unturned, no rest for the wicked.
No sir.
No sir, you rest when you die.
(dramatic music)
Hey, hey, guys.
Did you put a sheet over the body?
[Jeff] Yeah, out of respect.
- Found it!
- What? Where?
Here she is.
Standing up.
Uh, that's, that's different.
Um, well, anyways let me uh....
I'll just go get it.
Woo, uh (chuckling).
- [Officer Hanson] What the
hell is going on in there?
How sure are you guys about the part
where you said she's dead?
Like 90, 95%?
Holy moly, she took over the body!
Stop right there.
Please, ma'am.
Outta my way.
(Officer Hanson chuckling)
So, you jokers like to pull pranks, huh?
- What the shit?
- Oh, shit.
That was close!
(ominous music)
Well, obviously, we're out of danger now.
So, that's, that's, that's good.
(pistol butt thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
Mooney?
(pistol butt thudding)
(Officer Hanson groans)
(pistol clicking)
What do you want from us?
(tense music)
It'll all be over soon enough.
(foot stomping)
(radio crunching)
At least I managed to put
this body to use somehow.
(car horn honking)
Hey!
Whoever you are, please stop.
(sneakers squeaking)
(ominous music)
- Guys?
- Shit, it's Carl.
- Yo, how might I help you?
(door slamming)
I guess I gave you guys
a ticket or something.
- (gunshots banging)
- Carl!
(Kyle groaning)
They would've shot you too.
Johnny, if you open that door,
guess who's body I'm gonna step back into?
Our friend is dead because of you!
Eddie, I'm sorry.
(ominous music)
Guys, what happened?
- He seriously thought it was
all over a parking ticket.
It would've made him proud.
Like he was going out in a blaze of glory.
- (Eddie chuckling)
- I was right there.
(door thudding)
So, how's your stay been?
Hello.
Sweetheart, could you head on upstairs
and sit tight for a bit?
First bedroom on the right.
Okay, sounds good.
(heels clicking)
Oh, it was really nice meeting everyone.
- Well, you've all certainly
made quite the mess,
haven't you?
You knew about all of this?
Yeah, I'm in the loop.
Hey, Rhonda, our friend
here is a little worked up.
Could you come adjust his attitude please?
(ominous music)
(Kyle groans)
- Cute.
- You better not fuck this up.
Darling, have I ever let you down?
Just kidding, don't answer that.
Let's chat.
- Rhonda.
- He won't hurt him.
It's true.
See I'm trying to unfuck
this whole situation.
Killing the oldest young man I've ever met
wouldn't be too beneficial.
Just a sec.
I hope Kyle isn't scared.
He's not.
When she takes over your body or whatever,
you just blank out.
You don't know what's happening.
- How about we go ahead and get
that out of his hands there.
Thank you.
All right, go ahead.
She's waiting.
(ominous music)
(Kyle gasps)
Welcome back, chief.
Okay, full disclosure.
My dead wife is currently
inside that hooker,
and is waiting for one of you gentlemen
to go on up and seal the deal.
Let me back it up a bit.
Sit down.
(Oscar sighs)
Here's the thing.
I killed my wife.
Now, I know that sounds terrible,
but trust me I had my reasons.
What were your reasons?
She loved me too damn much.
Gee, what a heartless bitch.
Hey, it was suffocating.
So, I started cheating on her.
That kinda balanced things
out, made me feel less trapped.
But then she found out
about the other ladies,
and boy oh boy she turned
into a nasty piece of work.
She started cheating on me.
And I know what you're thinking.
Yes, fair is fair, but boys,
she only did it because she
knew it would drive me crazy.
Now that's fucked up.
So, yeah, yeah, I went a little batty.
But I handled it like a gentlemen.
I just kept cheating.
I didn't think about
killing her or nothing.
But then, one day after
finding a new shade of lipstick
on my shirt, she just went off.
Said she wanted a divorce,
which actually made me want
her even more, go figure.
But then she threatened to take my house.
My house.
No way I was gonna butter that biscuit.
So, in the heat of the moment I hired
a trio of hitmen to come kill her.
I knew it'd take three, she's a handful.
Anyway, those hired guns
are the same fine folks
surrounding the house right now.
We're very close.
So, (clears throat), Rhonda's dead, right?
And I'm feeling good and free,
until I found out that she's
haunting the goddamn place.
Typical Rhonda.
At first, she's just
knocking pictures off walls
and slamming doors and windows shut,
but then she starts possessing every woman
I bring home one by one.
You see, Rhonda can only be heard
when she's in someone else's body.
And once she figured that out,
the bitch just wouldn't shut up.
She tells me I need to get
her a body and a new man.
Someone who she can take
over for the long haul,
and someone who she can
undoubtedly smother to death.
I decide the only way to
get this show on the road
is by offering up a
good old buffet of men.
Everything was going swimmingly until
the chosen one here just
couldn't get it done.
Things got a little caddy,
so now we've got a dead
stripper on our hands.
Awesome.
Couple unconscious cops, that's for that.
And yeah, a possessed prostitute
who's just waiting to feel like a woman.
Now, seeing as how her
judgment has failed her,
I have been granted authority
to pick her paramour.
Tom, what's going on out there?
[Tom] Got a girl, pretty hot.
Oscar, who's out there?
- Ask what her name is.
- What's your name?
Kim.
Please just let her go.
[Tom] What do you want done with her?
Don't do anything.
Don't hurt her.
Don't scare her.
Don't aim guns at her.
Just sit tight.
[Tom] Copy that.
Now, let's get to it.
(Oscar chuckling)
No, no, no.
You're the one who, you
scream like a baby, right?
- I'm the one who expressed
my fear at a high volume, yes.
Great, great, so you're out too.
In fact, I'm gonna give
you guys a little task.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say
that my spiteful wife probably
did not tie up those cops.
So, let's tend to that need shall we?
There's a rope in the bedroom.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Bottom drawer.
Fetch that and get those
piggies nice and bound.
Come on (clapping).
(Ben panting)
But you, you my friend.
Hell, I'm thinking you two are
just a couple of lost causes
who just downright need each other.
Well, actually, I'm still healing from
- a pretty bad breakup and I-
- Thank you, Oscar.
- Don't think I would be-
- For this golden opportunity.
The best candidate for that.
Now, you get up on up there.
Don't mention a word about me killing her.
It's a touchy subject.
First bedroom on the right.
(Oscar sighs)
Get a move on, guys.
Duty calls.
Who's up for small talk?
I mean this weather, am I right?
Yeah, it feel so good.
(fist knocking)
Hi, there.
Hey, Rhonda.
Sup?
Shut the door, stud.
Now, get over here.
I'm here.
Yeah, you are, big boy.
Now, we'll just, let's
take off your shirt.
Cool, cool, cool.
I'm in a vulnerable place right now,
but I love my friends very
much and I know that I need
to do this so that they
can be set free, so-
Let's set you free.
Yeah, okay.
(rope creaking)
Don't mind, do you guys?
Sheila broke my heart.
Aw, brother, I'm sorry to hear that.
How are you?
- Well, I haven't been
able to fuck every since,
so that's shitty.
It's pretty figured out.
I just got what I deserved.
(Johnny sniffling)
But now because I
couldn't do the one thing
I've been any good at, we're stuck here.
Carl's dead because of me.
I'm sorry, man.
[Ben] I'm sorry too.
You've got nothing to be sorry for.
[Ben] You're not an asshole, Johnny,
I was wrong about that.
But I have to do this.
(Johnny gagging)
(Ben whimpering)
Rhonda, Rhonda.
Rhonda, please.
Rhonda.
- (Hope moaning)
- Oh, Rhonda.
Yeah, oh!
Call me whatever name you want.
- (Hope moaning)
- Goodbye, Taylor.
Goodbye.
(Hope moaning)
(bed creaking)
(shoes squeaking)
Hey, Ben, you okay?
- [Ben] I just need some
me time right now, okay?
Where's Johnny?
[Ben] We just need time to ourselves,
so just back off please.
Take all the time you need, Ben.
Worried about your lady friend?
Yeah, I am.
Hey, Tom, Bradley, let the girl in.
(door slamming)
She must really be something, huh?
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, you?
- Yeah, I'm just um,
I'm a little confused,
but I'm happy to see you.
Could we talk privately?
Take the master bedroom, guys.
- (hand slapping)
- Oh, shit!
(Kim sighs)
I know this is terrible timing,
but I need to tell you something.
What is it?
I'm in love with you, Eddie.
(Jeff grunting)
(Hope moaning)
- (Jeff sighs)
- Oh, honey.
Oh, that made me feel good.
I'm glad I didn't let you down.
- (Jeff chuckling)
- You're sweet.
I like that.
- I'm uh, I'm sorry about
what your husband did to you.
- Husband?
(both laughing)
What are you talking about?
Kim, I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Uh, you're uh, you're Rhonda, right?
- I'm supposed to let
you keep calling me that,
but you look a little
freaked out right now,
and I kinda like you.
But I'm not Rhonda, I'm Hope.
Guess they're hitting it off, huh?
(Ben panting)
Have you guys seen Johnny?
You said he wanted time to himself.
- (eerie music)
- No, I don't remember that.
- Wait, wait, wait,
Ben, did you blank out?
Oscar, where's Johnny?
Uh, yeah, about that.
- It's just not right and I-
- Shut up.
I just wanted to give you what you wanted,
but no, no, no, you're just
like all the rest of them.
You talk and you talk like
you're so damn sensitive,
like you really care,
but really you're just
a little boy who can't
make up his fucking mind.
- Kim, I'm just trying to be
a good person and I'm sorry-
(Kim giggling)
- Oh, Eddie, you think you're
so loyal, but you're not.
You're not, you're just a fucking coward!
Ah, you've put me in a bit of a bind,
and I needed to buy your silence.
Oscar, what did you do?
- If any of you says a word,
Johnny's body will magically
turn up and guess whose
fingerprints are all over his neck?
Those cops'll be found
too and so will the gun
that Johnny knocked little
miss nightstick out with.
It'll all be pinned on him and
Ben, just two crazy assholes
who snapped and then turned on each other.
- Hey, Kim-
- I'm not Kim, you idiot!
I'm Rhonda!
(dramatic music)
Uh, Tom, we got a situation in here.
- I hate you!
(fists thudding)
(Oscar groaning)
Don't do that!
- (gunshot banging)
- Neal!
Where the fuck are you going?
Stay here and lock the door.
(Neal groaning)
(Neal panting)
- Oh, my God.
(Kyle panting)
Hey, man.
Tom, hold your goddamn fire.
(Neal groaning)
Adult healthcare isn't my field,
but I look pretty fucked.
- Just relax, okay?
(Neal gasps)
We're gonna get you some help.
Oscar, you have to call 911.
He's already gone.
I'm not going anywhere.
(Neal groaning)
I'm not going anywhere.
(Eddie crying)
(Kyle sighs)
(Eddie panting)
Where's Johnny?
Oh, Jeff, Johnny's dead.
What?
[Rhonda] Do you have to ruin everything?
Hey, this is not on me?
Oh, honey, this is all on you.
- Dude, all you had to do
was just take what you want!
All you had to do was take her!
I didn't want her.
Yeah, Oscar, don't you know?
All Eddie wants is to bitch and moan.
He doesn't actually wanna
do anything about it-
What the fuck do you want?
You act like you wanna
get rid of each other,
but that is bullshit.
Call me coward, but you
take a look at yourself.
You were never gonna leave him.
He killed you and you still didn't leave!
No matter what you say, Rhonda,
you didn't stay for revenge.
You're just obsessed with him.
And you, you didn't stick around
for the house, you dumb fuck.
You stuck around for her!
You pushed her away because you were
not willing to let her in.
But as soon as she started to walk,
you made sure that she
could never leave you.
You people are so damn scared,
that you're willing to destroy
yourselves and each other,
and anyone who crosses your path.
Willing to destroy my friends.
All so you won't have to
put yourselves out there
and face the truth and
that will not be me.
I love my fiancee.
I have my fears, but I'm not
gonna run away and keep chasing
the next thing just because
sometimes I'm an idiot.
She knows me and I know her.
We're not gonna try to own each other,
we're gonna take care of each other,
and we're gonna build something together.
Those are my fucking vows.
I don't give a shit about
who haunts my dreams, Rhonda,
because I'm awake now.
You can either wake up
too or you stay locked in
your toxic little mind
fuck of a relationship.
Either way, I'm getting married tomorrow.
So, get the fuck out of our way!
(light dramatic music)
He's right.
I wanna be with you.
I wanna hear your voice.
- I wanna see your face.
- Really?
There's only one way I can do that now.
(gun clicking)
Oh, Oscar.
Are you insane?
Fuck you, Tom, you killed my wife.
- You paid me to.
- Oh, stop it
with your goddamn technicalities.
This is love.
To hell with logic.
(ominous music)
(gunshot banging)
(Kim gasping)
What the fuck?
You're okay.
You got my friend all twisted up.
Now he can't even pay me!
Guys, get in here.
We gotta wipe 'em out.
- Stand down, motherfucker.
- What?
Fuck you, Hank!
Bradley, lets-
(rifle butt thudding)
Boys, I'm back.
Right, I took off the mask,
but I still have this dude's face.
So, anyways, it's me.
It's Neal.
After I you know, died, I decided
to stick around for a bit.
So, I took over this asshole.
You're welcome.
Fuckin' maniac, I love it!
(both chuckling)
Caught some of your speech back there.
Good stuff.
Hell, even made me reconsider marriage.
Granted that ship has kinda
sailed for me, but anyway,
you're doing the right thing.
I'm happy for you.
- That's definitely a Neal-
- Johnny?
- Johnny?
- Johnny?
Johnny?
[All] Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!
- No, it's just me, Carl.
- Oh, Carl.
- Sorry, Carl.
- Sorry, Carl.
No, it's okay.
I'm used to being overlooked.
It's the story of my life,
and death apparently.
Hey, thank you for saving us.
- Yeah, well, I was up
there experiencing bliss
for the first time.
And then Neal pops up and
says you guys need some help
from somebody with experience
in law enforcement.
- So, you know, no big.
- Come here, man.
Hey, come give my best man a hug, boys.
- What?
- Oh, exactly what I thought.
(guys laughing)
- I love that.
- Hey, where's Johnny though?
I don't know.
I didn't see him.
He must've stuck around.
I'm sure he's fine.
You know, dead, but fine.
- Hey, guys, guys, this
is beautiful and all,
but what the hell is going on?
Someone took my drugs.
(somber music)
We love you, brother.
Rehearsal dinner is in an hour.
Johnny would want us there.
- So, so, you guys are gonna
put a sheet over me, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh huh.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Yeah.
- So, uh, Neal, is that
what you're gonna wear?
(Neal chuckling)
I'll make do.
As soon as we're done though,
I'm gonna head back up.
Don't wanna spend my
afterlife haunting Dusty.
Gotta let the man live.
Besides, I do not wanna be
inside this asshole for long.
(Ben giggling)
Yeah right.
- Oh just say it.
- Sorry, Neal.
[All] Sorry, Neal.
I can't believe I died for you fuckers.
(Officer Mooney groaning)
(light dramatic music)
- Then he realized, "Oh,
shit, I actually do love her."
Then he shot himself so he
could be with her forever.
- And then I took over
this guy and charged in
because the other hitman
was about to shoot them.
Yeah and then I possessed this hitman
and knocked the other guy out.
- You people are outta your goddamn-
Hanson, I'll handle this.
That all sounds about right.
No questions here and thank you
for being great law abiding citizens.
Jeff, what happened to that hooker?
Oh, shit.
Hanson, where are you off to?
- [Officer Hanson] Off
to get a new partner.
Oh, okay.
- Well, it's been real-
- No!
(Officer Mooney chuckling)
Y'all probably hadn't noticed,
but there was some friction between us.
- I dunno.
- What? No.
- No, not really.
- Yeah, yeah, it was subtle,
but anyway, you guys better hit the road
and get to that rehearsal
dinner and I'm gonna head on out
to the car and radio some folk.
Oh, God.
Life is so precious.
And here I am in hiding all the time
because I'm scared to live.
No more.
I love you guys so much.
And I'm gonna grab the
reins of life by the horns,
and I am gonna love myself.
(Boyd sighs)
The drugs wore off.
La, la, la, la
Didn't hear that (chuckling).
Oh, right, uh, my gun.
Oh, uh, right over there.
- Yeah, yeah, you got your
old partner's gun too.
Not sure which one he shot himself with.
- Oh, copy that.
(Eddie chuckling)
- Man, just listening to you
freestyle your vows made me
realize that I have got
to break up with Isabella.
I don't wanna build stuff with her.
That is not gonna happen.
- Yeah, I mean it's like
what I said, you know?
Some men are born to fly free, you know?
And some men are born to mold young minds,
and to make sweet love
to their wife tonight.
And to stop jerking off
to their friend's stories.
Yeah, I'm hearing it, it's weird.
I'm gonna stop.
Got 'em.
Hey and congratulations, man.
And you keep the peace, you hear?
Thank you.
Will do, Officer.
Just working my beat, sir.
Just working my beat.
I got a sheet for your body, Carl.
Ah, thanks, Jeff.
You ready?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do this.
(gentle music)
- Say, Eddie.
- Yeah, what's up?
I was wondering is it okay if I start
my sobriety after the wedding?
Oh, uh, sure.
I mean, whatever works.
- [Boyd] Okay, so in that
case, where's, where's,
- where's my bag of drugs?
- Um...
Bye, body.
I'll miss you.
- [Mason] So I'm assuming
you guys want me explain
the whole body swap
thing to Jenny and Dusty?
- Yes.
- Fair enough, fair enough.
I mean, I did find the house, right boys?
- Oh, my-
- Just drop it.
[Mason] Yeah, yeah, you know what?
- You drop it.
- Good communication guys.
Very good.
[Boyd] Has anyone seen my drugs?
(bed rattling)
(Courteney moaning)
(Johnny moaning)
[Courteney] Oh, my God.
Oh, You are amazing.
- [Johnny] Oh, Courteney,
as soon as I saw you,
I felt that (moans) that
deep, deep connection.
Once that crazy bitch
took you over though-
[Rhonda] I can hear you.
- [Johnny] And you deserve
to hear every word,
you fuckin' psycho!
- [Oscar] Hey, you watch
your mouth, mister!
[Courteney] Shut the fuck up!
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
(bed rattling)
(Courteney moaning)
[Johnny] You wanna go heaven, baby?
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, then let's go!
(Courteney moaning)
(Johnny moaning)
Ah, fuck, I gotta get to
this rehearsal dinner.
- See you up there?
- Oh, you know it.
Woo, ghost Johnny.
All right, time to take this crazy
bearded fucker for a ride.
(ominous music)
- [Officer Mooney] And we're
gonna see what we can do here.
- Evening, officer.
(Officer Mooney gasps)
(gunshot banging)
(ghost Johnny groaning)
[Officer Mooney] Sorry.
(upbeat music)
Saw you standing in the
corner in a black dress
And it revved me up
Made me think about things
I hadn't thought about
Since long ago
And it feels all right to fly so high
My blood is boiling I'm a primal guy
We got fire
Love in a cage
I can see the sweat
dripping down your thighs
To your tall white boots
In my mind your body's
drawing me a road map
With your dance moves
And it's you up there
on a stage so high
On a private island perched in the sky
We got fire
Love in a cage
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
You're all I see
And all I want tonight
Smoke in my eyes, smoke is in my eyes
Now I realize, now I realize
I'm going home
Alone again tonight
(dark ominous music)