Comebacks, The (2007) Movie Script
Nothing is more inspiring
Than the tale of a sports hero.
But this story is
about the other guy...
The LOSER.
And as you'll see,
even failure has its champion.
His name?
Lambeau Fields.
To me, he's a hero,
An inspiration and a friend.
To the rest of the world,
He's the worst coach
in the history of sports.
Hey, Bill!
Buckner!
What?
What's a six-Letter word
For a tropical fruit?
Not now.
I'm thinking
it might be "banana"!
Zip it. Be quiet.
Could be "papaya"!
Fields, this is the World Series, man-
Are you crazy?
Slow roller down to first.
It gets through Buckner's legs!
The Mets win!
The Mets win!
It's "Papaya. "
Let's go!
Whoa!
That's on me.
Marco, come here.
Go tell Zidane, tell him I said...
Go tell him I said that.
Ta mere est une
vielle... terroriste.
I don't remember
saying "Chain-Smoking. "
Being labeled the biggest
loser in the history of mankind
Finally got
to old Coach Fields,
And he hit rock bottom.
Coach?
Freddie.
Good to see you.
My God,
I hardly recognized you.
I bought a new hat.
Nice.
It's good to see you, buddy.
I got a proposition for you.
All right.
Let's walk and talk.
I'm late for work.
Yeah.
Hey, Manuel, Javier,
Sanchez, Cornelio, new guy.
Hola, Coach.
They ride the horses.
Coach wasn't exactly coaching anymore.
His job was to help facilitate
The continuation of the noble
Seabiscuit lineage.
It was about helping out
Mother Nature.
To draw forth
the building blocks
Of the champion D.N.A. Which-
Aw, hell.
He was yanking off horses.
So, tell me about
this big offer of yours.
There's this small college
in Plainfolk, Texas-
Heartland State University.
It's got a beautiful campus
and awesome athletic program.
They need
a new head football coach.
Me go back to coaching?
Oh. Sorry.
Okay.
Listen, Coach...
You and me we've been
through wars together, right?
And no matter what anybody says,
I mean, you're one
of the best leaders ever.
It's time for you
to get back into coaching.
I appreciate it,
But I'm happy here.
For once in my life,
I'm proud of what I'm doing.
I said no!
No means no!
You know what no means.
Aah! You just finish yourself.
Aah!
Thanks anyway, buddy.
Good to see ya.
Uh, I shouldn't, 'cause,
you know...
I got a terrible cold.
Coming up on Fox Sports News,
Maria Sharapova battles
The mighty Venus Williams
at the Australian Open.
Here, Maria!
Smile! - Right here!
WOMAN
Coach?
There you are.
Is something wrong?
Freddie Wiseman
came to see me today.
Told me about a coaching job.
College football.
But I said no.
I told him I'm out.
Sweetie...
Are you sure?
I mean, coaching
is in your blood.
Like-Like hepatitis C or...
or traces of cocaine.
I don't know, Barb.
It would mean moving again.
You know, this house
is perfect for us.
Look at this den.
It's already filled
With sports memorabilia
and trophies.
You know,
it's not too late
For you to get
a trophy of your own.
That'd be something, wouldn't it?
Oh, come on.
Coaching is
a Fields family tradition
Like cockfighting
or identity theft.
That's true.
Maybe I will
give it another shot.
Yeah! You can't keep a legend
In the shadows for long.
Set!
Hut!
Honey...
Honey, honey,
Honey, um...
Just promise me that you
won't get so consumed by winning
That you completely forget
about this family.
What?!
Family comes first.
You know that.
Really?
And how many of Michelle's
Gymnastics meets
have you been to?
Michelle?
Your daughter.
Oh, of course, Michelle.
What the hell was that?
Your son.
Scruffy!
Jeffrey!
Well, someone's name is Scruffy.
Scruffy was your dog
when you were ten. I...
See, honey, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Hello.
Sorry, wrong number.
That was the police.
They're looking for the parents
of a girl named Michelle.
What?
Don't worry, sweetie.
We're gonna get through this.
Honey, that's not Michelle.
Michelle Fields,
You have been charged
with property damage,
Robbery, arson,
indecent exposure
And being
an insatiable cock tease.
That got a lot
of hits on YouTube.
Therefore,
I hereby sentence you to rejoin
The USA Gymnastics Team.
No!
Why would you do this to me?
Hey, Tommy B.
Yeah, Lawdog here.
Listen, I wanna put 50 grand
on the US womens gymnastic team
To win the gold in Beijing.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, shit.
I have my reasons.
This is all your fault!
Oh, sweet Jesus.
How could this happen?
It's okay, Coach,
it's all right.
We'll get through this.
We're getting a ticket!
I knew that was
a loading zone!
So Coach took the job
At Heartland State and made
a promise to his family
That he wouldn't forget 'em.
- Wait! Wait a second!
- Dad, wait up!
- Dad!
- Coach!
#You take one down
You pass it around#
They settled in Plainfolk, Texas.
A sleepy little town,
So cozy that it didn't even
have a traffic light.
#No more bottles
of beer on the wall #
Coach Fields was
back in the game-
But this time, he really had
his work cut out for him.
Welcome to your
first practice, gentlemen.
Hope you're ready for the worst
six weeks of your life.
I'm gonna do things
to your bodies
That are cruel,
painful and unnatural.
I'm gonna ride your ass
Day and night.
I'm gonna make you bleed
From places that you've
never bled from before.
It's gonna hurt bad.
It's gonna hurt deep.
Then it's gonna start
to feel good.
Then it's gonna hurt again.
Now, I need to get this team
down to a 32-Man roster,
Which means some of you ladies
are gonna be cut.
Starting with you, you
- And you.
- Hey, Coach, we didn't even
Get a chance to play yet.
If there's one thing
I can spot, it's talent.
Coach, we're the only players
on this team who can play.
Wait, man, how do you
think you get these?
- Huh?
- EBay.
Maybe next year, guys.
Thanks for coming out.
All right, let's see if I've got
Anybody else out here
worth a damn.
Randy Randinger!
- Here, Coach.
- Where?
Right here, sir.
I'm ready to give it my all.
I'll do whatever it
takes to make this team.
Refill the waters,
get fresh towels...
Buff everyone's helmet.
Oh...
That helmet.
I thought you were talking
about something else.
Good. We got a towel boy.
Next-
Buddy Boy Jones!
All right! I got me
A big, mean son of a bitch!
I wouldn't
hurt a fly, Coach.
Football is war, son.
You got to be a killer.
Ow!
I'm telling on you!
Next, ACL Tear!
It's pronounced "Aseel," sir.
Aseel Tare.
ACL Tear. Got it.
It says here you rushed for
a thousand yards last season.
Keep it up,
you could turn pro.
Hope so, Coach.
Nothing can hold you back.
Except an unforeseen
career-Ending injury.
What are the odds
of that happening, ACL Tear?
It's Aseel, sir. Aseel Tare.
Got it. ACL Tear.
Right there.
Is that a radio I hear?
No, that's just I Pod.
Whoa!
God, what a retarded
ass retard.
Hey!
I don't ever want
to hear that word again!
You're talking about a person,
A human being!
Come here, son.
He may be a
moronic cretin,
A drooling mush head,
A short bus-Riding,
window-Licking
Spaz-Ass simpleton,
But he is not a retard.
If there's one thing
I do not tolerate,
That's disrespect.
Okay, I Pod.
How'd you like
to be my assistant?
Yeah.
Let this be a lesson
for all of you.
You judge not,
lest ye be judged.
It's time someone
gives this man a chance.
To once and for all
show that-
Okay, that's enough.
All right, get him off me.
Get him off me.
Here comes Trotter, here comes Trotter.
Here come who?
Trotter, Trotter, he's a star.
Touchdown, Trotter, touchdown.
What's this all about?
What's it to you, old man?
This "old man"
is your new coach.
I want you suited up
In two minutes,
or you're off my squad.
Looks like we
gonna have us a problem, then.
You know that, right?
Figurin' out what
to do with the other
Minute and 99 seconds.
Let's get something
straight, Trotter.
I don't like the ego,
I don't like the flash,
I don't like that...
my daughter is
Coming out of your limo.
Damn!
What are you doing in there?
Just, um, getting
a ride to school
With my new boyfriend
And... lover.
Oh, please,
This is just another one
of your rebellious stunts
Trying to make me mad.
It's not a stunt, Dad.
It's just me
having a boyfriend...
Who happens to be black.
See you later.
Black boyfriend.
Damn!
All right!
Any walk-Ons?
Hey, Coach.
Name is Vince.
I'm just a bartender from Philly
Whose only dream
is to play ball.
It's all I got left
After I lost my job teaching
and my wife left me.
Like my alcoholic father
used to say before he passed on,
"A man can only take
so much failure!"
I promise to give you
everything I got.
What do you say, Coach?
I say you can add
"Did not make the football team"
To your list of woes.
Now beat it, buzzkill.
Okay, ladies, show time!
Offense, hit the line!
Defense, give 'em hell!
Let's see what you boys got!
Not you.
FIELDS
All right!
Hike the damn ball!
I suppose we don't have a quarterback.
All right!
Still don't have a quarterback.
Any other positions
we need to fill?
We need a kicker.
Can I be kicker, Coach?
I'll steam up your wiener
And stick it
between my buns.
Oh.
That wiener.
Yeah, this is great.
Middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere.
How am I gonna find
an all-American quarterback?
If you build it, he will come.
If you build it, he will
Come...
Who will come?
Your father. Your dead father.
My father's not dead.
I just spoke with him
this morning.
You got to be shittin' me.
Is this 314 Bentley Road?
No, this is 314 Bentley Drive.
Fucking MapQuest.
I've got to get G.P.S.
Anyway, I know a quarterback.
His name is Lance Truman.
You'll find his ass
on the baseball field.
Lance Truman?
Yeah.
Name's Lambeau Fields.
New football coach
over at Heartland.
Word on the street
Is that you're
a damn good quarterback.
Yeah, my dad wants me
to focus on baseball.
Sorry, Coach.
Let me talk to your father.
He needs to know that
you're wasting your gift here.
All right, listen, could we
just drop the football thing?
My dad's made up his mind-
Baseball's my future.
Then prove it-
Strike me out.
Are you serious?
Your best pitch.
You got some wood?
No. But I did on the way
over here, though.
Sometimes when I'm driving,
I like to prop a cup of coffee
In my lap, and there's just
something about the hot steam
Against my knuckleballs
That really, you know...
Just makes old Charlie hustle.
Yeah, that kind of wood.
- Right.
- Right.
That's it. Thought for a second
you were talking about cock.
I put everything I had on that.
It's time we go talk
to your dad.
Got a good feeling
about this year.
By the way, where's
the closest hospital?
Uh... County General. Why?
Oh, no reason.
I'm just gonna pop in there,
grab an aspirin.
Got a little headache, I guess.
Oh!
Oh! Ee!
Well, I'm sorry you had to drive
All the way out here, Fields.
I could've told you
Over the phone I wasn't gonna
let my boy play football.
Have you always
drank this much,
Mr. Truman?
No. Went for 11 straight years
without a drink.
What happened?
Turned 12.
I really wish you'd
reconsider, Mr. Truman.
Your son had a great
season last year.
Hell, he might have been great,
If he could learn how to keep
from dropping the dang ball.
- That's not true, Dad.
- Oh, no?
Then what the hell is this?
That's the Droppie Award
for most fumbles in a season.
And what
the hell is this?
That's a picture of me
at Camp Fumblewatha.
And what are you eating
in that picture?
A Butterfingers.
This conversation is over, Coach.
My boy's not playing for anyone,
'Cause I can't stand
the guys at the mill
Asking me why my boy can't
hold on to the goddamn ball!
Dad!
I just want
to make you proud, Dad,
So you can hold
your head up high.
Please, Dad?
All right.
But if you give
those men at the mill
Any reason to laugh at me,
I swear to God...
You work at a mill?
The Sugar Mill-
It's out on Route 39.
I do Cher four nights a week,
Christina Aguilera on Saturday.
Isn't she the best kicker
you've ever seen?
Kicker? Oh, hey, look-
They're playing sports.
How you doing?
Name's Coach Fields.
- I want you to be my kicker.
- Wow!
I would like that very much.
- So you'll join the squad?
- Under one condition:
My parents can never know.
They're very traditional,
believe a woman's life
Should be spent in service
to her husband, cooking,
Cleaning, and pleasuring
with the mouth.
- Hello. Welcome to the team.
- Hi. Hi.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what's this thing?
Oh, that's for your nose.
You put it on your face.
It's a nose guard.
Well, I thought
it was a really small
One of these.
Hey.
I'm Lance. Lance Truman.
I'm your new quarterback.
Word of advice, quarterback.
You just give me the damn ball,
and you stay out of my way.
This my team.
This my turf.
And this...
This my...
My Little Pony collection.
Rainbow Dash, first edition.
Still in the box, bitch.
Huddle up! Listen up!
Sit down.
Been doing
a little bit of research.
Turns out...
Every single one of you made
the dean's list last semester.
Yeah!
And I got to say, gang...
I will not stand
for this bullshit!
Now, if we're gonna be winners,
I'm gonna need
a commitment from you.
So we're all gonna sign
a little contract.
Why don't you
pass those out.
I want to start seeing D's...
And F's.
I want you to cut class.
I want academic probation.
When I walk in that locker room,
I want to smell reefer.
I want phone calls
in the middle of the night
To bail you horn dogs
out of jail.
I want felonies,
Lawsuits,
Sexual harassment allegations.
I want you to start acting like
ballplayers, for Christ sake!
Hey! Hey!
Anybody got a problem, you
better speak up right and now!
You know what I think
of your contract, Coach?
You got a lot of anger, son.
That's 'cause I'm from somewhere
you can't even imagine.
The skreets.
Dude, you grew up
two houses down from me.
We lived in the same cul-De-Sac.
Which is a dead-End skreet,
And no hope of ever getting out.
Unless you turn around in
this one guy's driveway, and...
He didn't like that, so...
It became this whole thing.
You don't like my rules...
George Johnson, is it?
- Ooh.
- Uh-Oh.
It's pronounced Jorge Juanson,
And no, I don't
like your contract.
And I don't like you,
either, ese.
You want to take
a swing at me, kid?
Then do it.
Punch me.
Go on.
Unless you're afraid.
Ooh! Oh!
That it?
Had enough?
Here's your tooth, Coach.
Thanks.
Well... look who's here.
She looks skinny...
Fat.
Her leotard's cute...
Yuck.
Yeah. She's pretty...
Hot.
I mean...
I would like to smother her.
Yeah.
With my breasts.
She never could stick it.
God, she could stick me.
Hi.
I'm Lance.
So, um, what are you, like...
The laundry man?
No, I just joined
the football team.
Me and a few guys from
the team work here
A few hours a week,
make some extra cash.
That's kind of brutal.
Well... it's got its perks.
Anyway, um...
I was wondering,
Would you like to
go out sometime?
No.
Why not?
'Cause I'm not
looking for a man.
Huh?
I already have one.
Oh.
What's up, baby?
Let's go get something to eat,
'Cause a brother's starvin'.
I already ate.
Don't call me baby.
Makes me feel like an object.
I'm sorry.
He was talking to me.
Come on, baby.
Boy got laundry to do.
Some guys have all the luck.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, gang.
Gather around-
I want to show you something.
This is my old bucket
From my own
college-Playing days.
I was a fullback.
Short-Yardage specialist
For the Loserville Golden Oafers.
They'd bring me in in
goal line situations mostly,
You know, the Hammerhead
to punch it in.
Yo, how many
touchdowns you score?
Nada, zilch.
Zero, not one.
Boy...
I'd give anything
for one last shot.
Why didn't you score, Coach?
Quick answer: No talent.
In the big picture,
We didn't play as a team.
Now, there's one week
before our first game.
We've got to be one body,
one heartbeat.
Now, who do you play for?
The Comebacks!
Trotter.
Who?
The Comebacks!
Trotter!
Sorry, gang, but we are a team.
If I've got to bust his hump,
I've got to bust
all of your humps.
- Come on, man!
- Complaining's not
Gonna make a difference-
It's hump-Busting time.
Right! Dig! That's it!
That's my team!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ooh! Ow! Ah!
Randinger!
Stop goofing around!
Get up here!
Oh, my God.
Survive on the ice,
you can survive anywhere.
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
If you can dodge a wrench,
You can dodge a tackler.
Same thing goes for a firearm.
Did I dodge it?
Walk it off.
All right, listen up.
No one's going home today
Until one of you
can knock me down.
Okay, everybody hit the showers.
- Who do you play for?!
Comebacks!
Trotter! Trotter!
All right, good!
You're finally a team!
Except for you, Randy-
You'll be riding the pine.
Oh, come on Coach.
I'll give you a rim job.
I work down at the car wash
on the weekends.
I'll have your wheels sparkling
in no time.
Car wash- Right.
Sometimes I think
I might have a dirty mind.
First, highlights
of last night's title-Card bout
Featuring a courageous
comeback attempt
From the 93-Year-Old
Rocky Balboa.
Hey, fellas.
Name's Lambeau Fields.
Just thought I'd drop by
and introduce myself.
Oh, we know who you are.
We know all about
you and your contract
And your plans for our team.
We want you
to know something,
Coach.
We think that's terrific! We do!
But if you think
you can try using
Unconventional training methods
and crazy game plans...
- We support that 100 percent.
- Yeah, we do.
We do.
But if you should play
that first game...
And lose...
Aw, heck, there's always
another game after that.
- There's so many games in a season!
- They play a lot!
I can't tell you how relieved
that makes me feel, so...
Well, good. But if you should
lose that second game,
We'll tie you to a tree
and pour pig's blood
All over your ass and let
the coyotes have at you.
Good luck on your
first game tomorrow.
- Like some coffee?
- Begging for mercy.
- Oh, drink up now.
- Sure.
- Oh, we brew it fresh here.
- I'd be honored if you held my gun.
Oh, go ahead and
take a try with that.
Yeah.
- It's real good.
- Careful, it's hot.
Well, I'm just-
- Heh, Hey, shooter!
- Use that to stir it.
You can have the whole thing-
Put the weapon down.
Put the weapon down.
And Coach heard
their message loud and clear.
You see this was a town
that loved its football.
A brisk Saturday in autumn
Was like a holiday
for these folks.
The whole town
shut down on game day.
Everyone in Heartland,
and I mean everyone,
Was at the game.
MAN
Here they are,
Your Heartland State
University Comebacks!
Hi, honey!
Good luck!
What's going on?
Where is everyone?
They're all two towns over
At the University of Texas game.
Hey, the Longhorns
just scored!
And here comes the visiting team,
The Boner State Trojans!
These Trojans are tough.
They're rock-Hard on offense!
They've got a stiff defense!
They'll exploit
any opening they see.
And if they get in a groove,
they can score all night long,
Any which way they want.
You can't lay down or they
are really gonna pound us.
- Season ticket holders coming through!
- Right here!
That's right!
All right, we can do it.
ANNOUNCER
And the Heartland State University
Football season is...
...as bad as it was last year.
Team, hut!
This is so humiliating.
Comebacks rule!
End of the first,
Comebacks trail by 17.
Here comes Trotter.
Here comes Trotter.
You missed the whole first quarter.
Where have you been?
Get off my back, Coach.
I was doing a thing.
Me.
And remember, Dad, he's black.
Black as a Mississippi
August night.
All right, Trotter.
You're on the bench
for the rest of the game.
If you're ever late again,
you're off my squad.
Whatever, Coach.
I'm all you got and you know it.
I think you're forgetting
about someone.
The future of this team.
And his name is ACL Tear.
Coach, you know,
I've been thinking,
You might start to jinx me
if you keep calling me,
Uh, that name.
Nonsense.
Now, get out there,
ACL, and tear it up.
Tear it up good.
All right, Coach.
Go get 'em, Tear.
Let's go, Comebacks-
Execution, execution.
Green 80!
Green 80! Set. Hut.
Go.
Go!
Ooh!
Nothing can stop him!
Nothing can stop this kid!
'At a way, ACL Tear-
Shake it off.
- Way to take a hit from a bus, dude.
- That's right.
Final score: Trojans 83,
Comebacks 0.
Hold this.
What did I tell you about
dropping the ball?
Dad, I only fumbled
a couple of times.
A couple!
Why don't you tell
Maddonald here just exactly
How many times
you fumbled?
Two.
Two! Two times!
Is that what you call "a couple"?
Actually, Dad, two is a couple.
This conversation is over!
Come on. Loser!
You can kiss my ass.
Coach?
You have been sitting
in here for hours.
I've just got a few more
films to go through.
Can't you watch them tomorrow?
Not if I want my
team to be ready
To play the
Titans next week.
It's starting again, Coach.
Hmm?
You're ignoring me, this family.
I am not.
Oh, please!
You have sat in here night after night,
forgetting about me
And everything
that matters to you.
Ignoring us is-Is something
that you've never been able to resist,
Like a make-Your-Own-Taco bar
or midget wrestling.
Jesus, Barb.
This is my last shot.
These films matter.
I need them to become
a better coach, to win.
I just don't see how watching
Man-On-Man porn
makes you a better coach.
Why must everyone
question my method?
Why does it have to be so hard core?
Once again, my method!
Can you knock it off, I Pod?
It's a DVD, for God's sakes.
It's open.
Hey, um...
Hi.
- I was just, um...
- I get it.
Practicing ballet will help
with your footwork in the pocket?
Exactly.
It's the footwork in the pocket.
Um...
Yeah, what's up?
I'm supposed to give you these.
Oh, okay.
The Gridiron Gangbang.
The Bad News Bare Asses.
The Longest Nards.
- His method.
- His method. Yeah.
What's that all about?
What? Oh, this?
My dad thought
it might help me
Hold onto the ball
for next game.
Does it hurt?
I'm kind of used to it.
So he's done this before?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There, that'll keep
you from letting go.
Hey, look out for the tr-
Don't worry about it.
They're baby teeth.
You'll grow new ones.
Happy 12th birthday, Lance.
There you go. Drink up.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go to a bar or something.
The thing is, it's all my fault.
I got a great arm,
but I keep dropping the ball.
I always have.
I mean, I don't know how to fix it.
See?
You have no idea
what it's like
To have a father whose
entire world is sports.
Oh, you think so?
Mom, go long. Go long.
- Close your eyes
- Right?
Don't want you to see...
That's my girl,
straight A's!
Straight A's!
Let's just say it
Where are we going?
Illegal use
of the hands.
- Have we gone too far?
- Game over.
Have we gone too far?
Wow.
I had no idea.
Have we gone too far?
I thought that I had the
craziest sports dad ever.
Me, too.
Just close your eyes
What a surprise
Till we get there
You won't know where
See you around
I hope I see you around
Just close your eyes
The way I always do
It's always a surprise
To be with you
You won't know where...
Wow.
They look just like footballs.
Oh.
Oh.
No, wait.
- I, I can't do this.
- No.
Yeah, it's okay,
I can hold onto them.
- No, really, I...
- No, just give me a chance.
It's all wrong.
I have a boyfriend.
- Yeah, I know.
- So I have to... go.
No! I...
Um, Michelle, I... I need
to tell you something.
Michelle.
Out of my way, fat ass.
You finally decide to block
something and it's my locker?
I was just going to
drop off an invitation
To my birthday party.
FYI, there's going
to be a petting zoo.
Nice.
Score one for Trotter,
Which is one more
than he had yesterday.
Ooh...
Look, man, why don't you just
pretend this whole thing
Is a football...
and just drop it?
PLAYERS
Ooh!
Why don't you act like a barbell
and get benched?
Why don't you pretend this
whole thing is a basket
Full of groceries
and get sacked?
Hey, hey!
Why don't you act like my parents,
Go upstairs
and have some makeup sex?
- Huh?
- What?
Hey!
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
Yeah.
Now, you listen to me.
This is a team.
And the only way
we're going to win
Is when you start
acting like one.
And you can sure as hell bet
that no one is leaving
This locker room
until you understand
What being a team is all about.
Coach is right.
We got to start believing
in each other.
Like brothers.
That's the only way
we're going to win.
Please.
You'll never be my brother.
Si, es la verdad.
We're all too different.
Nothing in this world could
bring this team together.
#Just a small-Town girl #
#Living in a lonely world#
#She took a midnight
train going anywhere#
#Just a city boy#
#Born and raised
in South Detroit#
#He took the midnight train
going anywhere!#
#A singer in a smoky room#
#The smell of wine
and cheap perfume#
#For a smile,
they can share the night#
#It goes on and on
and on and on#
#Strangers waiting#
#Up and down the boulevard#
#Their shadows searching
in the night#
#Streetlight people#
#Livin' just to find emotion#
#Hiding#
#Somewhere in the night#
#Strangers waiting#
#Up and down the boulevard#
#Their shadows searching#
#In the night#
#Don't stop believin' #
#Hold on to that feeling#
#Streetlight people #
#Don't stop believin' #
# Hold on #
#Streetlight... #
And the booster club
laughed at me when I demanded
A smoke machine and laser lights
for the locker room.
All right, gather 'round, take a knee.
Got a letter here from
a little boy named Bobby Taylor.
The kid's sick, real sick.
Probably won't make it
through the night.
Goddamn it.
Bobby has one last dying wish.
That's for the opposing team
to win this game.
Now, we gonna let Bobby
get his wish?
No!
- What do we want him to do?
Die sad!
- Can't hear you.
- Die sad!
Get out there...
- Let's go, Comebacks.
- Yeah, Comebacks.
- Who are they playing?
- Uh, I don't know, the Titans?
Do you remember them?
No, I don't, 'cause
they're forgettable.
Very forgettable.
Okay, listen up.
Since our team got integrated,
I know a lot of you white
players are nervous
About losing your positions
to our faster,
More athletic,
more talented colored boys.
Well, you have nothing
to worry about,
'Cause when the Titans
take the field,
There is no black and white...
just crimson and gold,
- The colors of our uniform.
- Yes.
We family.
Starting lineup, Isaiah.
Come on.
- Williams.
- Yeah.
- Washington.
- Yeah.
Washington.
- Washington.
- Yes.
Damn. Washington.
Yeah.
- Jefferson.
- Come on, Jefferson.
Jefferson, tell your mom
I got caller I D now.
I know it's her.
- Carter.
- Come on, Carter.
Check his eligibility.
- Boyer.
- Yeah.
- LeTroy.
- Yeah! Let's do this!
Where the hell you
think you're going?
You said Troy.
I said LeTroy.
Sit your marshmallow
ass back on the bench.
White boy think he gonna
cover a receiver.
You gonna learn,
Crack is whack
and white don't cover black!
Now let's pray.
Red and white.
That's right, that's right,
that's right, that's right.
Red and white.
Here's the kickoff,
As the Comebacks
try to bounce back
From last week's
humiliating loss.
The ball is loose...
and Trotter recovers!
Yes! Yes!
- That's the way!
- Yeah, yeah! Yeah, baby.
That's the way right there.
Ready, break!
Hmm?
Mm-Hmm.
Hike!
Truman drops back.
Touchdown Comebacks.
Their first score of the season.
Hike!
Juanson picks up the loose ball.
- Touchdown!
- Whoo!
That's how we do it.
All right!
Sorry. I hugged him
a little too hard.
I like your badonkadonks,
by the way.
Let's go!
Set. Hut!
Titans on the reverse.
Ooh, what a move!
He's to the 30, the 20, the 10!
Another Titans touchdown.
Are you kidding me?
Let's go get the quarterback!
Let's go!
Yeah, I get it.
You're gonna kill me.
Wha-What's this part?
Oh, that means
he's gonna fist you too.
Time's ticking down,
and we're still tied.
It all rests in the hands
of quarterback Lance Truman.
Blue 20.
Blue 20. Hut!
He drops back.
They're going long!
Juanson's wide open.
- He makes the catch.
- That's the way!
Hot damn, he's on fire.
Touchdown! The Comebacks win!
The Comebacks win!
Whoo-Hah!
Oh, gee.
Oh, di, do, do, di, do.
Whoo, you like that,
you big baby, don't you?
- Take it like a man.
- All right!
Heck of a job
out there today!
- Except for Randy.
Aww...
You had no part in the victory.
You added nothing.
Coach, can I play
in the next game?
I'll toss your salad.
Please tell me you're gonna start
chopping up lettuce and tomatoes.
I'll salute your flagpole.
Please tell me
you're a patriot.
I'll pack your fudge.
Please tell me you're
a confectioner's assistant.
Oh, no. I really meant I was gonna
pack your fudge and toss your salad.
All right, listen.
I want you all
to go out and celebrate.
Tear it up.
Explore your bodies.
Lather up your nethers,
get 'em wet, sticky. Shave it.
Go out and get yourself
a venereal disease,
Whatever it is you kids
are into these days.
All right, get in here.
S.T.D.'S on three.
- One, two, three.
- S.T.D.'S.
The strippers are here.
Bling-Bling.
Bling-Bling, baby.
Yo, what took
you so long, ese?
Stuff isn't easy to find
this time of night.
What's up, 'Seel?
That's some good shit.
Yeah... Now I can eat
my Fruity Flakes.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Blue Crush,
where you been?
Catching some waves.
I'm a total hard-Core
surfer chick.
At night?
In the middle of Texas?
I told you... I'm hard-Core.
What's that?
I'm writing
my local congressman,
Because I'm worried about
the rapidly decaying future
Of Social Security.
During a party? Why?
Because everyone's
labeled me rebellious,
So I'm rebelling
against the rebellious label
By being conscientious
in rebellion.
Duh.
Michelle, I can't stop
thinking about you.
That night when we kissed,
and I...
Bobbled your boobies...
I don't want to talk about it.
Why not?
Why won't you give me a chance?
Because if we went out,
You'd pick me up, we'd
drive out to the lake,
Have a little picnic,
some wine,
We'd lay out on
a blanket and ball.
And ball, ball,
ball, ball, ball.
We'd do it over and over
for hours and hours.
And I would ride you so hard
You wouldn't be able
to walk for weeks.
We'd do it every day.
All the time.
Always trying new things
And different positions.
Then we'd get married,
Move into a nice house
and have kids.
Two vacations a year.
One on a beach, and one
most likely in Europe,
With the occasional
Africa or Asia.
Second home on a lake,
early retirement.
Never tiring of
each other's bodies
Or lessening
the frequency of sex.
Well, excuse me.
But that is not the type
of life that I would want.
That sounded pretty good to me.
Especially the balling part.
Hmm.
You know what, Michelle?
I bet, under that tough
exterior of yours,
Under all that self-Tanner
and macrame bikini,
There's something
very warm and soft.
And pink.
Probably smells a little bit,
but not too much.
I am not going to let you
sweet-Talk me, Lance Truman.
Fine.
I hope you are kidding me.
A study group.
Please tell me
This is some kind of a joke.
Calculus.
Shakespeare?
You all signed a contract.
What are you trying to do?
Ruin your season
before it even begins, huh?
No, Coach. We're simply
trying to keep up our G.P.A.S.
Oh, is that what you call it?
Mm-Hmm. You make me sick,
all of you.
Now, I was hoping...
That you kids would
have the gumption
To do this on your own.
But, apparently,
I'm gonna have to
take you by the friggin' hand.
You won a football game!
Everybody knows that after
you win a football game
You're supposed to consume
alcohol at a dangerous rate!
Ah!
You should be
popping ecstasy, man!
Oh, yeah,
and huffin' some paint!
What's the color?
Good times.
Yeah.
Look at me now, man.
Yeah, I brought all these
illegal drugs to the party...
In my fake Louis Vuitton bag
that's chock-Full
Of pirated DVDs
I got down in Chinatown.
Who cares, man?
I'm just having some fun,
because I won a football game.
Yeah! I'm a huge
drug-Pushing drug guy.
Check me out.
Gotta have some more of that.
That's the right spot.
Now I'm crazy wasted
with a bunch of minors
And I'm taking off
all my clothes.
Yeah, it's cool, man.
I'm a football player.
That's what we do!
Ow!
It's the cops!
You'll never take me alive.
Freeze, tighty-Whities!
Ah! Right in my Reggie Bush!
Oh, come on.
You have got to be kidding me.
You can do it! Come on!
Get it! Get it!
Get it!
Aw! I'm sorry, Clint.
I couldn't get it
unstuck either.
Well, thanks for trying.
I should just ask for another one,
- But that piece goes so well with the room.
- Mm-Hmm.
It does coordinate nicely
with those throw pillows.
- Wanna have sex again?
- No, I'm good.
- Who are you?
- I'm the warden.
You can go free
If you beat me in hoops...
- One on one.
- Hoops?
Me likey.
I feel I should warn you.
I was the leading scorer
of the Jewish community center
Bitty-Boy's Basketball League
three years straight.
Well, I think I'm gonna
spare you the humiliation
And just wait to be bailed out.
Psst!
Are you sure you
don't want to cuddle?
And so, Coach called the only man
He knew he could
always count on.
The man who had been by his
side through everything.
The only man he knew
he could trust.
His partner, his rock, the wind
beneath his wings-Me.
Thanks for coming, Freddie.
How long before
you can get me out?
I'm not going to be
able to do that, Coach.
What? Why?
It was right about then
that Coach Fields
Realized something was afoot.
His old friend Freddie
had betrayed him
And orchestrated a most
nefarious scheme
- That would allow Freddie...
- Why you talking like that?
Ooh, my bad.
But now you know, Coach.
The reason why I wanted you to
be head coach of the Comebacks
Is because I'm head coach
Of the Lone Star State Unbeatables.
Coach of the number one
team in the conference.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I want it to stay that way.
See, I knew the Comebacks
had a shot this year.
And I also knew, if I could
talk you back into coaching
They'd sink like a stone,
Because that's what you do, Coach-
You lose!
You bastard.
How could you?
Freddie decided
it was time to go.
As for Coach, he had
bigger things to worry about.
Why, just this morning,
He banged the wife
of the guy sitting next to him.
Come on, Turbo.
That's impossible.
I'm in here with you.
I'll get you for this!
Send a message to the warden.
I'll take him up
on his little offer.
Your interpersonal skills are horrible.
And you're a terrible gossip.
Everybody knows that.
People talk about you.
You cheat at checkers.
Oh, why resist it? Aah.
Oop da. Yeah, easy.
That's right.
Make it, take it, be-Yotch.
Yeah! Come on!
Is that all you got?
I hope you weren't
planning on leaving today.
Get that shit outta here.
It's called skills, junior.
And I guess I got some. Whoa.
Change of rules.
Even if you win,
you're still gonna stay here.
What you looking at?
I'm not getting it.
Fine.
I'll get it.
I got it.
Hurry up!
Shit.
All right, gang, today we play
the Friday Night Lights.
They're one of the best teams
in the conference.
I'm not going to lie to you.
There's a lot of drama
going on over there.
Just found out that
Rick fell off the wagon.
He's drinking again.
And Lyla is cheating on Jason
With Tim, if you can believe that.
Smash can't
control his temper,
And I just found out
That last night,
Billy and Tyra
Had a pre-Homecoming party
And it got broken
up by the cops,
Which means, for us...
Automatic victory-
They're not gonna make it!
Rock n' roll!
Blue, 22! Hike!
- Hey.
- Hey, Coach.
- How's it going, Coach?
- Good game, guys.
Thanks
Oh, for the love of the game.
We all remember that touching story
Of the autistic
high school boy
Who was finally
given his chance to play.
This amazing story
has inspired people
From all different
walks of life.
Last night,
at Cleveland General Hospital,
Dr. Edmund Grand allowed Billy,
a longtime orderly,
A chance at his dream.
Touching story
out of Cleveland.
Time of death- 8:05.
There you are.
Well...
Tonight should be the greatest
night of my life, Barb.
But those kids,
they still just don't get it.
Who's that?
Who's who?
That guy in the
bed with you.
Right there.
Oh... um...
I didn't think
you'd mind.
We-We took in a foreign
exchange student.
He's a foreign
exchange student?
Uh-Huh.
Where you from?
I'm from, uh...
Banging-Your-Wife-Istan.
Where is that?
It's, uh...
It's a little south of, uh,
Doing-Barb's-Fine-Ass-Yvania.
All right, Coach, all right.
I... I just couldn't
take it anymore.
You were never here,
and I am a woman
- In her sexual prime.
- Yeah.
Don't try to stop me, Coach.
I have finally found a man
who gives me what I need.
There isn't a Doing-Barb's-
Fine-Ass-Yvania, is there?
Is there?
Big story developing
out of Plainfolk, Texas.
Heartland State head coach
Lambeau Fields
Is taking an unusual stance
against academic excellence.
He has locked his team
out of practice all week,
And now the squad is in danger
of forfeiting the upcoming
Conference championship
at the Toilet Bowl.
You sure got to have some
big clankers to come in here.
Go ahead. Do your worst.
My wife left me.
Aw, hell.
It's my fault.
I forgot she was there.
Boys, if you find
that perfect gal
That has all
the little things,
And, yet, she's willing
to enhance them surgically
Into bigger things.
And she doesn't mind
showing them to your friends
At a New Year's Eve party,
That's a gal.
- Yeah.
- That's the gal.
Well, don't take it so hard,
poon cheeks.
We've all walking in
on a loved one
Getting barn-Doored
by a half rack of bird doggers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we sure have.
Ow.
Hell, I remember
when my Dorothy left me,
And I did everything
I could to get her back.
And when I did, I made sure
that she'd never leave me again.
How'd you do that?
I treated her like a queen-
Like an Egyptian queen.
Mummified and entombed her
in the basement.
Her shrieks of help
like music to my ears.
It's all about communication, fellas.
My Jeanie, she used to wag
her finger in front of my face
And bug the bejesus
out of me.
But, well, we sat down
and when we discussed it
In a mature manner and-And-
And now sh-She'll never,
Never wave this finger
in front of me again.
Amen to that.
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna tell you something.
It's about compromise.
Now take Salamander here.
Now we get up in each other's
rifle racks now and again.
But then we make up and talk
about it. We bangity-Boo.
You know what I'm saying, Coach?
Solid advice, fellas.
You're good people.
It's still locked.
What's up, guys?
It's time to do something
we should have done long ago.
Get in the back.
Let's go.
Let's do it!
I think we're gonna need
a bigger truck.
I can't believe you, Dad.
Haven't you put
the team through enough?
They did it to themselves, Michelle.
I finally found someone
that I care about
And you're taking
away his dreams.
Sweetie, Trotter
only cares about himself.
I don't like Trotter anymore.
There's somebody else.
Someone kind and sensitive.
Someone who
Loves to laugh and...
Makes me feel wanted and alive.
Michelle, I'm your daddy.
I'm talking about Lance.
Oh... Oh, good.
He's a good boy.
He has a future.
This could be the real thing.
I want what you and Mom have.
Herpes.
No!
True love.
Oh...
Well, if you find it,
hold on to it tight.
Look at me. I blew it.
I promised your mother
I wouldn't let this job
Get in the way of our family,
and I failed her.
It's not too late, Dad.
You can change all of this.
All you have to do
is win the championship.
Can't I lose by just a little?
No, Dad. You have to win.
You've spent your
whole life losing,
And this is your last,
and actually first chance,
To prove everyone wrong.
I know you're scared.
But you have to remember,
There used to be a...
A big, big man inside of you.
There's a reason for that.
I was in prison,
I didn't have a choice.
No, uh...
What I'm trying to say is that...
I believe in you, Dad.
Oh...
And Mom does, too.
Sweetie...
Thank you.
Well...
Then I better take care of business.
And when I'm done, we're gonna
win that championship.
What the hell
is going on here?
Hey, Coach.
Buddy Boy smashed a whole
I Pod's doing body shots
out of his belly button.
And Jorge, he's been
dancing like this
For the past six hours.
And Jasminder,
she made 300 bucks.
And I think that Randy
lost his cherry
To Gwen Stefani over there.
And our signed contracts.
I have never been so proud
of a team in my entire life.
Yes!
Who do you play for?
Comebacks!
Hello, everyone.
Al Michaels, along with
John Madden, and welcome
To Odessa, Texas, home of
the second annual Toilet Bowl.
And-And this is
the place you really want to be, Al-
I mean, right in the middle
of the Toilet Bowl.
I mean, there's no place
in the world I'd rather be.
What's this, Freddie?
Your players look like a bunch
of thankless thugs and thieves.
That's because they are.
They're my gridiron gang.
So, you want to forfeit,
Save yourself a lot of
embarrassment and pain?
Why would I start now?
Lance!
Michelle.
I left something
for you in your locker.
For good luck.
I know.
I'm wearing it.
What?
The lace bra and the...
Crotch-Less panties.
No. I left you a note.
Oh.
A note saying that I'm sorry
For the way that I treated you.
That I was afraid
of a real relationship.
That I'm not afraid anymore.
That I am dying to let
you know how much I love you.
Nope, I never got that.
Oh. Okay, well, check.
Maybe it fell into the back
of your locker or something.
Yeah, I'll... okay.
Lance.
Wait.
There's something else
that I wanted to give you.
This.
Well, isn't that sweet?
Trotter...
We'll settle this on the field.
Woo! Michelle!
Got your letter, baby.
You and me after
the game, mama.
Woo! Yeah.
John, the excitement is so thick
In this stadium,
you could cut it with a knife.
A- A-And there's two things
That I love to cut with a knife.
One of'em is turkey,
and the other one is excitement.
And if you're a Comebacks fan,
You got to hope
they're not the turkeys.
But you have to believe
The Unbeatables will be
the guys with the knives.
Take a look down there-
It's unbelievable what's going on.!
Believers coming through!
- That's right! Get up!
- Get up!
- That's right. What's up?
- Come on. What's up!
What's up, eighth row?
Uh-Uh!
And the team captains
Take the field, ready
for the ceremonial coin toss.
Call it in the air.
And when I say "it,"
I do mean the coin.
Where is it?
Now where is it?
It's right here in your ear.
Call it in the air.
We'll receive.
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Okay, ready... hut!
Unbeatables back to pass.
He's wide open.!
The bomb.!
He could go
All the way...
To Mexico.!
Green-20!
Green-20!
Hut!
Nah, you take that!
You take that!
Ooh!
Like you took my girl!
Personal foul.
Cock blocking.
Look, it's nothing personal, Trotter.
I'm in love with her, man.
Man, only thing you love
is taking my girl from me.
Man, would you guys shut up?
This game's bigger
than the two of you.
Football taught me
how to cope...
With anger, with life.
This team's all I got.
Without it, I have nothing.
Back on the skreets.
Dude,
Your parents
just bought you a house.
A condo.
A junior one-Bedroom.
Where am I supposed
to park my Prius, dawg?
All right, all right.
Pro-Right-94, on one.
On one. Ready?
Break!
Hut!
How about a flag, ref?
My guy's getting mugged out there.
Don't take
my Gold Card, man. Come on.
That's ridiculous.
How much is he paying you?
A 1,000 dollars a call.
Twice the going rate.
Where is it now?
Hut!
Come on, ref!
That's attempted homicide!
You gotta call that!
What are you guys, blind?
Unbeatables up the middle
For an easy touchdown.!
They're running
all over the Comebacks,
Who are more than overmatched.
Jim Rome here, and this is a ridiculous
Half-Time score:35 to nothing.!
BOTH
We believe. We believe.
We believe.
So, you ready to give up?
Almost.
Hey, hey, my favorite part of the game-
The half-Time show.!
Janet Jackson and Justin
Timberlake couldn't make it,
So instead, we present you
with this wholesome salute
To American values.
#The weekend's here #
# The weather's nice,
two football teams are playin' #
# I put your
favorite beer on ice #
#But the couch
is where you're staying #
# The game is
on the plasma screen #
#Got deep-Fried snacks
for munchin' #
# Rootin' for
the home team #
#Oops, wardrobe
malfunction #
I mean, I mean,
It started out where she
was wearing
A lot of clothes,
then she wasn't wearing
A lot of clothes,
and then boom, I got a chubby.
Take a knee.
Listen up.
I've been a loser all my life.
I came into this world ass-First.
I was raised as a girl till
my walnuts dropped at age 13.
I didn't lose my virginity
until I was 22.
That was by accident.
I didn't know
I was gonna have to pay for it-
I thought it was a date.
I've destroyed everything
I've ever touched,
Chased away everyone
who's ever loved me.
I am...
...a failure as a husband
And a father and a coach.
And a human being.
Um... Coach?
Isn't this the part
Where you turn
your personal tragedies
And shortcomings
Into a rousing,
inspirational rally cry?
Huh?
Oh. That's a great idea.
You're a real asset
to the team!
Well, thanks, Coach.
Does that mean I can play
in the second half?
No, absolutely not.
All right.
All right.
I don't think
I have to tell you all,
The scope
of the second half is to...
Aim high.
And I...
Pledge... to all of you.
That you will be
Showered...
By the cheers
And shouts of joy...
From your fans.
It depends...
...on you now.
Remember...
Your preparation
H...
And you can all be...
Champs!
Yeah, champs!
All right, let's close our eyes
and bow our heads.
Okay, you can open
your eyes again.
All right, let's go get 'em!
Second half just under way,
And despite the score,
it seems the Comebacks
Are even more fired up.!
And nobody wants this
More than Coach Fields.
That's the way!
That's the way!
Hope you had a good rest, Oprah.
Actually, Coach gave
a very inspirational spee...
Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Oprah. I'm saying you're
as fat as Oprah, you fat ass!
Are you
saying Oprah's fat?
Oprah's an incisive
and charitable lady,
You miserable piece of shit!
The toss to Trotter...
Ooh.! And Truman lays
a huge block.!
Go, go!
Yeah!
That's the way!
Truman scrambling.
Nowhere to go.!
Oh, look at that, Trotter
takes out two Unbeatables.!
I mean, I mean,
Looks like he's
gonna score, Al.!
The Comebacks are finally
starting to play like a team.!
Yes! Yes! Yes.
Oh!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Nice block.
Thanks.
Nice run.
Thanks.
Hey, Lance.
Be good to her, man.
Be good to her, too.
Not all about winning, is it?
Hey, cameraman!
I hope you're
watching, Barb.
John, it looks like Coach Fields
Is holding up the sign,
"I heart you. "
Oh, he loves me.
Like chili fries
and the smell of his own burps.
BOTH He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
Why can't I have that?
It's so beautiful.
Aww.
Hey, Coach!
Suppose I can get in the game?
Hey, guys, look who's back.
- I'm a quick healer.
- Hey, gang.
The cavalry's arrived.
And he goes by the name of-
Aseel Tare.
Okay, I got it. ACL Tear,
get out there. Let's go.
Not you Randy. Not you.
Set!
Brown-88! Hike!
Aseel Tare with the carry.
Look at that.!
He's got the entire defense
on his back.
The pile is clearing, John.
Yeah, yeah, it is. And take a look at that.
He got ripped into pieces.
Oh!
No worries!
I'm a quick healer. Whoo!
Yeah!
John, what we're seeing here
Is a definite shift
in momentum.
I mean, we-we really are, Al.
I mean, y-You take a look
at what's happening
And they were down by a lot
And now they're not down
by as much
And-And pretty soon
they could erase this deficit.
Randy.
Randy.
Randy.
Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy!
They're calling your name, son.
Get out there!
Randy! Randy!
Go! Go, Randy!
Would you look at this.!
Randy Randinger is making
His first appearance ever
for the Comebacks.!
Randinger's wide open.!
He scores!
Unbelievable!
Blue-Ten!
Hut!
Ooh!
Randinger with
a block out of nowhere.!
You are not gonna believe this.!
The Comebacks score.!
How was it, son, everything
you'd hoped it would be?
Hey, thought you
might want this...
Get away! Get away!
Get away!
Aah!
Blue-22! Blue-22!
Hut!
Yes!
He knows our playbook.
What? How is that possible?
Freddie knows all my secrets,
Where I get all my plays.
What are we gonna do?
Someone else has
to call the play,
Someone Freddie
wouldn't expect,
Someone who thinks
outside the Xbox.
I Pod!
I Pod. Hey, there, little buddy.
How would you like
to call a play, huh,
Help us win
a championship?
What do you say?
What do I say?
Man, I been waiting all season
for you to ask.
Dude, I have been humping legs,
Carrying this...
Stupid cord all over
the damn place,
And now, fourth quarter
of the last game,
You come and ask me for...
All right, all right!
Just call the play, will ya?
Get out of my...
Watch yourself, watch yourself.
All right, everybody, come on.
- Let's go get 'em!
- Let's go get 'em! Let's go!
Audible!
Let's switch it up!
Shift!
Shift!
What the heck is that?
That... is the
I Pod Shuffle.
Hut!
Trotter... back to Truman...
...back to Trotter...
Who scores!
I mean, that was incredible!
Phenomenal!
Coach Wiseman
has got to be feeling the heat
As the Comebacks only trail
By one touchdown.
It's fourth and goal.
With just seconds remaining,
the fate of the Comebacks
Lies in the hands
of quarterback Lance Truman.
Ref! Time out!
I can't do it, Coach.
What's the problem?
What if I drop the ball?
And what if you don't?
Damn!
Give me your hands.
Aw, geez!
Lance.
Yeah?
Do it for me.
Okay.
Okay.
We can do this, guys.
Yeah!
Let's do this! Oh!
- Yeah, Lance!
- Come on!
Set!
Hut!
Hold on to it, Lance.
Yeah!
Get out there, Jiz!
Wait.
We're not playing for the tie.
I say we go for the win!
Get out there!
They're going for two?
Don't worry.
I got one more page
in my playbook.
Set!
Looks like the Unbeatables coach,
Freddie Wiseman, has entered
the game at middle linebacker.!
Time out, Comebacks.
John, something weird seems to
be going on down on the field.
Yeah, it looks like Lambeau Fields
Was suiting up.
I think he's gonna go
For the two-Point
conversion himself.
Coach!
Coach!
It's me, honey! I'm here!
I'd give anything for one last shot.
Because that's what you do,
Coach, you lose!
I want what you and Mom have.
Herpes.
Set! Green-20!
Green-20! Hike!
Yeah!
The Comebacks did it!
Coach Fields
has finally done it.!
The Comebacks win!
Do you believe in miracles?
Yes!
How long
have you been waiting to say that?
The Comebacks have won.!
They beat the Unbeatables.!
Phenomenal.!
We did it! We did it!
My shit goin'
to Disney World, baby. Yeah!
- Dude, guess what!
- What?
My parents just said we
could use the beach house
In the Hamptons for
the week to celebrate!
- No way! Oh, my God!
- Yeah!
And I get a real tattoo!
I love you, Dad.
- My boy!
- Dad!
Coach! Coach!
I'm okay.
Barbara!
Coa...
Oh!
Barbara!
Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Barb!
Barb!
Get out of my way!
Coach! Coach!
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
I'm a winner, Barb.
I'm hanging up
my whistle for good.
I'm never gonna
let sports come
Before you and the
kids ever again.
Uh, Coach Fields?
Coach Fields, excuse me?
Name's Gabe Low.
I'm looking for a new
head basketball coach
At Sequel University,
And I think you're
just the man.
Well, mister,
I sure don't know anything
about basketball...
...but I'll take it!
- Coach Fields!
Coach, how does it feel
To finally win
a championship game?
Um... to be honest,
it really hasn't hit me yet.
I thought
it would feel better than this.
You guys are ripping me apart!
Let's do it!
I think we're gonna need
a bigger truck.
All right, huddle up!
Break!
Lend an ear, take a knee.
Clock's running down.
The game is on the line.
No time outs left.
Not gonna go for the tie.
This time I'm gonna win!
See an open door!
Gonna walk right in!
Nobody shed a tear
for old Freddie.
At least, not after he...
"Borrowed" $200,000
from the school's Booster club,
Moved his athletic ass
on down to Mexico
And entered into a consensual
polygamous relationship
With two
fine-looking young ladies.
Adios, y'all.
Aw, Scruffy!
I think we nailed it!
Thank you! Good night!
Than the tale of a sports hero.
But this story is
about the other guy...
The LOSER.
And as you'll see,
even failure has its champion.
His name?
Lambeau Fields.
To me, he's a hero,
An inspiration and a friend.
To the rest of the world,
He's the worst coach
in the history of sports.
Hey, Bill!
Buckner!
What?
What's a six-Letter word
For a tropical fruit?
Not now.
I'm thinking
it might be "banana"!
Zip it. Be quiet.
Could be "papaya"!
Fields, this is the World Series, man-
Are you crazy?
Slow roller down to first.
It gets through Buckner's legs!
The Mets win!
The Mets win!
It's "Papaya. "
Let's go!
Whoa!
That's on me.
Marco, come here.
Go tell Zidane, tell him I said...
Go tell him I said that.
Ta mere est une
vielle... terroriste.
I don't remember
saying "Chain-Smoking. "
Being labeled the biggest
loser in the history of mankind
Finally got
to old Coach Fields,
And he hit rock bottom.
Coach?
Freddie.
Good to see you.
My God,
I hardly recognized you.
I bought a new hat.
Nice.
It's good to see you, buddy.
I got a proposition for you.
All right.
Let's walk and talk.
I'm late for work.
Yeah.
Hey, Manuel, Javier,
Sanchez, Cornelio, new guy.
Hola, Coach.
They ride the horses.
Coach wasn't exactly coaching anymore.
His job was to help facilitate
The continuation of the noble
Seabiscuit lineage.
It was about helping out
Mother Nature.
To draw forth
the building blocks
Of the champion D.N.A. Which-
Aw, hell.
He was yanking off horses.
So, tell me about
this big offer of yours.
There's this small college
in Plainfolk, Texas-
Heartland State University.
It's got a beautiful campus
and awesome athletic program.
They need
a new head football coach.
Me go back to coaching?
Oh. Sorry.
Okay.
Listen, Coach...
You and me we've been
through wars together, right?
And no matter what anybody says,
I mean, you're one
of the best leaders ever.
It's time for you
to get back into coaching.
I appreciate it,
But I'm happy here.
For once in my life,
I'm proud of what I'm doing.
I said no!
No means no!
You know what no means.
Aah! You just finish yourself.
Aah!
Thanks anyway, buddy.
Good to see ya.
Uh, I shouldn't, 'cause,
you know...
I got a terrible cold.
Coming up on Fox Sports News,
Maria Sharapova battles
The mighty Venus Williams
at the Australian Open.
Here, Maria!
Smile! - Right here!
WOMAN
Coach?
There you are.
Is something wrong?
Freddie Wiseman
came to see me today.
Told me about a coaching job.
College football.
But I said no.
I told him I'm out.
Sweetie...
Are you sure?
I mean, coaching
is in your blood.
Like-Like hepatitis C or...
or traces of cocaine.
I don't know, Barb.
It would mean moving again.
You know, this house
is perfect for us.
Look at this den.
It's already filled
With sports memorabilia
and trophies.
You know,
it's not too late
For you to get
a trophy of your own.
That'd be something, wouldn't it?
Oh, come on.
Coaching is
a Fields family tradition
Like cockfighting
or identity theft.
That's true.
Maybe I will
give it another shot.
Yeah! You can't keep a legend
In the shadows for long.
Set!
Hut!
Honey...
Honey, honey,
Honey, um...
Just promise me that you
won't get so consumed by winning
That you completely forget
about this family.
What?!
Family comes first.
You know that.
Really?
And how many of Michelle's
Gymnastics meets
have you been to?
Michelle?
Your daughter.
Oh, of course, Michelle.
What the hell was that?
Your son.
Scruffy!
Jeffrey!
Well, someone's name is Scruffy.
Scruffy was your dog
when you were ten. I...
See, honey, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Hello.
Sorry, wrong number.
That was the police.
They're looking for the parents
of a girl named Michelle.
What?
Don't worry, sweetie.
We're gonna get through this.
Honey, that's not Michelle.
Michelle Fields,
You have been charged
with property damage,
Robbery, arson,
indecent exposure
And being
an insatiable cock tease.
That got a lot
of hits on YouTube.
Therefore,
I hereby sentence you to rejoin
The USA Gymnastics Team.
No!
Why would you do this to me?
Hey, Tommy B.
Yeah, Lawdog here.
Listen, I wanna put 50 grand
on the US womens gymnastic team
To win the gold in Beijing.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, shit.
I have my reasons.
This is all your fault!
Oh, sweet Jesus.
How could this happen?
It's okay, Coach,
it's all right.
We'll get through this.
We're getting a ticket!
I knew that was
a loading zone!
So Coach took the job
At Heartland State and made
a promise to his family
That he wouldn't forget 'em.
- Wait! Wait a second!
- Dad, wait up!
- Dad!
- Coach!
#You take one down
You pass it around#
They settled in Plainfolk, Texas.
A sleepy little town,
So cozy that it didn't even
have a traffic light.
#No more bottles
of beer on the wall #
Coach Fields was
back in the game-
But this time, he really had
his work cut out for him.
Welcome to your
first practice, gentlemen.
Hope you're ready for the worst
six weeks of your life.
I'm gonna do things
to your bodies
That are cruel,
painful and unnatural.
I'm gonna ride your ass
Day and night.
I'm gonna make you bleed
From places that you've
never bled from before.
It's gonna hurt bad.
It's gonna hurt deep.
Then it's gonna start
to feel good.
Then it's gonna hurt again.
Now, I need to get this team
down to a 32-Man roster,
Which means some of you ladies
are gonna be cut.
Starting with you, you
- And you.
- Hey, Coach, we didn't even
Get a chance to play yet.
If there's one thing
I can spot, it's talent.
Coach, we're the only players
on this team who can play.
Wait, man, how do you
think you get these?
- Huh?
- EBay.
Maybe next year, guys.
Thanks for coming out.
All right, let's see if I've got
Anybody else out here
worth a damn.
Randy Randinger!
- Here, Coach.
- Where?
Right here, sir.
I'm ready to give it my all.
I'll do whatever it
takes to make this team.
Refill the waters,
get fresh towels...
Buff everyone's helmet.
Oh...
That helmet.
I thought you were talking
about something else.
Good. We got a towel boy.
Next-
Buddy Boy Jones!
All right! I got me
A big, mean son of a bitch!
I wouldn't
hurt a fly, Coach.
Football is war, son.
You got to be a killer.
Ow!
I'm telling on you!
Next, ACL Tear!
It's pronounced "Aseel," sir.
Aseel Tare.
ACL Tear. Got it.
It says here you rushed for
a thousand yards last season.
Keep it up,
you could turn pro.
Hope so, Coach.
Nothing can hold you back.
Except an unforeseen
career-Ending injury.
What are the odds
of that happening, ACL Tear?
It's Aseel, sir. Aseel Tare.
Got it. ACL Tear.
Right there.
Is that a radio I hear?
No, that's just I Pod.
Whoa!
God, what a retarded
ass retard.
Hey!
I don't ever want
to hear that word again!
You're talking about a person,
A human being!
Come here, son.
He may be a
moronic cretin,
A drooling mush head,
A short bus-Riding,
window-Licking
Spaz-Ass simpleton,
But he is not a retard.
If there's one thing
I do not tolerate,
That's disrespect.
Okay, I Pod.
How'd you like
to be my assistant?
Yeah.
Let this be a lesson
for all of you.
You judge not,
lest ye be judged.
It's time someone
gives this man a chance.
To once and for all
show that-
Okay, that's enough.
All right, get him off me.
Get him off me.
Here comes Trotter, here comes Trotter.
Here come who?
Trotter, Trotter, he's a star.
Touchdown, Trotter, touchdown.
What's this all about?
What's it to you, old man?
This "old man"
is your new coach.
I want you suited up
In two minutes,
or you're off my squad.
Looks like we
gonna have us a problem, then.
You know that, right?
Figurin' out what
to do with the other
Minute and 99 seconds.
Let's get something
straight, Trotter.
I don't like the ego,
I don't like the flash,
I don't like that...
my daughter is
Coming out of your limo.
Damn!
What are you doing in there?
Just, um, getting
a ride to school
With my new boyfriend
And... lover.
Oh, please,
This is just another one
of your rebellious stunts
Trying to make me mad.
It's not a stunt, Dad.
It's just me
having a boyfriend...
Who happens to be black.
See you later.
Black boyfriend.
Damn!
All right!
Any walk-Ons?
Hey, Coach.
Name is Vince.
I'm just a bartender from Philly
Whose only dream
is to play ball.
It's all I got left
After I lost my job teaching
and my wife left me.
Like my alcoholic father
used to say before he passed on,
"A man can only take
so much failure!"
I promise to give you
everything I got.
What do you say, Coach?
I say you can add
"Did not make the football team"
To your list of woes.
Now beat it, buzzkill.
Okay, ladies, show time!
Offense, hit the line!
Defense, give 'em hell!
Let's see what you boys got!
Not you.
FIELDS
All right!
Hike the damn ball!
I suppose we don't have a quarterback.
All right!
Still don't have a quarterback.
Any other positions
we need to fill?
We need a kicker.
Can I be kicker, Coach?
I'll steam up your wiener
And stick it
between my buns.
Oh.
That wiener.
Yeah, this is great.
Middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere.
How am I gonna find
an all-American quarterback?
If you build it, he will come.
If you build it, he will
Come...
Who will come?
Your father. Your dead father.
My father's not dead.
I just spoke with him
this morning.
You got to be shittin' me.
Is this 314 Bentley Road?
No, this is 314 Bentley Drive.
Fucking MapQuest.
I've got to get G.P.S.
Anyway, I know a quarterback.
His name is Lance Truman.
You'll find his ass
on the baseball field.
Lance Truman?
Yeah.
Name's Lambeau Fields.
New football coach
over at Heartland.
Word on the street
Is that you're
a damn good quarterback.
Yeah, my dad wants me
to focus on baseball.
Sorry, Coach.
Let me talk to your father.
He needs to know that
you're wasting your gift here.
All right, listen, could we
just drop the football thing?
My dad's made up his mind-
Baseball's my future.
Then prove it-
Strike me out.
Are you serious?
Your best pitch.
You got some wood?
No. But I did on the way
over here, though.
Sometimes when I'm driving,
I like to prop a cup of coffee
In my lap, and there's just
something about the hot steam
Against my knuckleballs
That really, you know...
Just makes old Charlie hustle.
Yeah, that kind of wood.
- Right.
- Right.
That's it. Thought for a second
you were talking about cock.
I put everything I had on that.
It's time we go talk
to your dad.
Got a good feeling
about this year.
By the way, where's
the closest hospital?
Uh... County General. Why?
Oh, no reason.
I'm just gonna pop in there,
grab an aspirin.
Got a little headache, I guess.
Oh!
Oh! Ee!
Well, I'm sorry you had to drive
All the way out here, Fields.
I could've told you
Over the phone I wasn't gonna
let my boy play football.
Have you always
drank this much,
Mr. Truman?
No. Went for 11 straight years
without a drink.
What happened?
Turned 12.
I really wish you'd
reconsider, Mr. Truman.
Your son had a great
season last year.
Hell, he might have been great,
If he could learn how to keep
from dropping the dang ball.
- That's not true, Dad.
- Oh, no?
Then what the hell is this?
That's the Droppie Award
for most fumbles in a season.
And what
the hell is this?
That's a picture of me
at Camp Fumblewatha.
And what are you eating
in that picture?
A Butterfingers.
This conversation is over, Coach.
My boy's not playing for anyone,
'Cause I can't stand
the guys at the mill
Asking me why my boy can't
hold on to the goddamn ball!
Dad!
I just want
to make you proud, Dad,
So you can hold
your head up high.
Please, Dad?
All right.
But if you give
those men at the mill
Any reason to laugh at me,
I swear to God...
You work at a mill?
The Sugar Mill-
It's out on Route 39.
I do Cher four nights a week,
Christina Aguilera on Saturday.
Isn't she the best kicker
you've ever seen?
Kicker? Oh, hey, look-
They're playing sports.
How you doing?
Name's Coach Fields.
- I want you to be my kicker.
- Wow!
I would like that very much.
- So you'll join the squad?
- Under one condition:
My parents can never know.
They're very traditional,
believe a woman's life
Should be spent in service
to her husband, cooking,
Cleaning, and pleasuring
with the mouth.
- Hello. Welcome to the team.
- Hi. Hi.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what's this thing?
Oh, that's for your nose.
You put it on your face.
It's a nose guard.
Well, I thought
it was a really small
One of these.
Hey.
I'm Lance. Lance Truman.
I'm your new quarterback.
Word of advice, quarterback.
You just give me the damn ball,
and you stay out of my way.
This my team.
This my turf.
And this...
This my...
My Little Pony collection.
Rainbow Dash, first edition.
Still in the box, bitch.
Huddle up! Listen up!
Sit down.
Been doing
a little bit of research.
Turns out...
Every single one of you made
the dean's list last semester.
Yeah!
And I got to say, gang...
I will not stand
for this bullshit!
Now, if we're gonna be winners,
I'm gonna need
a commitment from you.
So we're all gonna sign
a little contract.
Why don't you
pass those out.
I want to start seeing D's...
And F's.
I want you to cut class.
I want academic probation.
When I walk in that locker room,
I want to smell reefer.
I want phone calls
in the middle of the night
To bail you horn dogs
out of jail.
I want felonies,
Lawsuits,
Sexual harassment allegations.
I want you to start acting like
ballplayers, for Christ sake!
Hey! Hey!
Anybody got a problem, you
better speak up right and now!
You know what I think
of your contract, Coach?
You got a lot of anger, son.
That's 'cause I'm from somewhere
you can't even imagine.
The skreets.
Dude, you grew up
two houses down from me.
We lived in the same cul-De-Sac.
Which is a dead-End skreet,
And no hope of ever getting out.
Unless you turn around in
this one guy's driveway, and...
He didn't like that, so...
It became this whole thing.
You don't like my rules...
George Johnson, is it?
- Ooh.
- Uh-Oh.
It's pronounced Jorge Juanson,
And no, I don't
like your contract.
And I don't like you,
either, ese.
You want to take
a swing at me, kid?
Then do it.
Punch me.
Go on.
Unless you're afraid.
Ooh! Oh!
That it?
Had enough?
Here's your tooth, Coach.
Thanks.
Well... look who's here.
She looks skinny...
Fat.
Her leotard's cute...
Yuck.
Yeah. She's pretty...
Hot.
I mean...
I would like to smother her.
Yeah.
With my breasts.
She never could stick it.
God, she could stick me.
Hi.
I'm Lance.
So, um, what are you, like...
The laundry man?
No, I just joined
the football team.
Me and a few guys from
the team work here
A few hours a week,
make some extra cash.
That's kind of brutal.
Well... it's got its perks.
Anyway, um...
I was wondering,
Would you like to
go out sometime?
No.
Why not?
'Cause I'm not
looking for a man.
Huh?
I already have one.
Oh.
What's up, baby?
Let's go get something to eat,
'Cause a brother's starvin'.
I already ate.
Don't call me baby.
Makes me feel like an object.
I'm sorry.
He was talking to me.
Come on, baby.
Boy got laundry to do.
Some guys have all the luck.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, gang.
Gather around-
I want to show you something.
This is my old bucket
From my own
college-Playing days.
I was a fullback.
Short-Yardage specialist
For the Loserville Golden Oafers.
They'd bring me in in
goal line situations mostly,
You know, the Hammerhead
to punch it in.
Yo, how many
touchdowns you score?
Nada, zilch.
Zero, not one.
Boy...
I'd give anything
for one last shot.
Why didn't you score, Coach?
Quick answer: No talent.
In the big picture,
We didn't play as a team.
Now, there's one week
before our first game.
We've got to be one body,
one heartbeat.
Now, who do you play for?
The Comebacks!
Trotter.
Who?
The Comebacks!
Trotter!
Sorry, gang, but we are a team.
If I've got to bust his hump,
I've got to bust
all of your humps.
- Come on, man!
- Complaining's not
Gonna make a difference-
It's hump-Busting time.
Right! Dig! That's it!
That's my team!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ooh! Ow! Ah!
Randinger!
Stop goofing around!
Get up here!
Oh, my God.
Survive on the ice,
you can survive anywhere.
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
If you can dodge a wrench,
You can dodge a tackler.
Same thing goes for a firearm.
Did I dodge it?
Walk it off.
All right, listen up.
No one's going home today
Until one of you
can knock me down.
Okay, everybody hit the showers.
- Who do you play for?!
Comebacks!
Trotter! Trotter!
All right, good!
You're finally a team!
Except for you, Randy-
You'll be riding the pine.
Oh, come on Coach.
I'll give you a rim job.
I work down at the car wash
on the weekends.
I'll have your wheels sparkling
in no time.
Car wash- Right.
Sometimes I think
I might have a dirty mind.
First, highlights
of last night's title-Card bout
Featuring a courageous
comeback attempt
From the 93-Year-Old
Rocky Balboa.
Hey, fellas.
Name's Lambeau Fields.
Just thought I'd drop by
and introduce myself.
Oh, we know who you are.
We know all about
you and your contract
And your plans for our team.
We want you
to know something,
Coach.
We think that's terrific! We do!
But if you think
you can try using
Unconventional training methods
and crazy game plans...
- We support that 100 percent.
- Yeah, we do.
We do.
But if you should play
that first game...
And lose...
Aw, heck, there's always
another game after that.
- There's so many games in a season!
- They play a lot!
I can't tell you how relieved
that makes me feel, so...
Well, good. But if you should
lose that second game,
We'll tie you to a tree
and pour pig's blood
All over your ass and let
the coyotes have at you.
Good luck on your
first game tomorrow.
- Like some coffee?
- Begging for mercy.
- Oh, drink up now.
- Sure.
- Oh, we brew it fresh here.
- I'd be honored if you held my gun.
Oh, go ahead and
take a try with that.
Yeah.
- It's real good.
- Careful, it's hot.
Well, I'm just-
- Heh, Hey, shooter!
- Use that to stir it.
You can have the whole thing-
Put the weapon down.
Put the weapon down.
And Coach heard
their message loud and clear.
You see this was a town
that loved its football.
A brisk Saturday in autumn
Was like a holiday
for these folks.
The whole town
shut down on game day.
Everyone in Heartland,
and I mean everyone,
Was at the game.
MAN
Here they are,
Your Heartland State
University Comebacks!
Hi, honey!
Good luck!
What's going on?
Where is everyone?
They're all two towns over
At the University of Texas game.
Hey, the Longhorns
just scored!
And here comes the visiting team,
The Boner State Trojans!
These Trojans are tough.
They're rock-Hard on offense!
They've got a stiff defense!
They'll exploit
any opening they see.
And if they get in a groove,
they can score all night long,
Any which way they want.
You can't lay down or they
are really gonna pound us.
- Season ticket holders coming through!
- Right here!
That's right!
All right, we can do it.
ANNOUNCER
And the Heartland State University
Football season is...
...as bad as it was last year.
Team, hut!
This is so humiliating.
Comebacks rule!
End of the first,
Comebacks trail by 17.
Here comes Trotter.
Here comes Trotter.
You missed the whole first quarter.
Where have you been?
Get off my back, Coach.
I was doing a thing.
Me.
And remember, Dad, he's black.
Black as a Mississippi
August night.
All right, Trotter.
You're on the bench
for the rest of the game.
If you're ever late again,
you're off my squad.
Whatever, Coach.
I'm all you got and you know it.
I think you're forgetting
about someone.
The future of this team.
And his name is ACL Tear.
Coach, you know,
I've been thinking,
You might start to jinx me
if you keep calling me,
Uh, that name.
Nonsense.
Now, get out there,
ACL, and tear it up.
Tear it up good.
All right, Coach.
Go get 'em, Tear.
Let's go, Comebacks-
Execution, execution.
Green 80!
Green 80! Set. Hut.
Go.
Go!
Ooh!
Nothing can stop him!
Nothing can stop this kid!
'At a way, ACL Tear-
Shake it off.
- Way to take a hit from a bus, dude.
- That's right.
Final score: Trojans 83,
Comebacks 0.
Hold this.
What did I tell you about
dropping the ball?
Dad, I only fumbled
a couple of times.
A couple!
Why don't you tell
Maddonald here just exactly
How many times
you fumbled?
Two.
Two! Two times!
Is that what you call "a couple"?
Actually, Dad, two is a couple.
This conversation is over!
Come on. Loser!
You can kiss my ass.
Coach?
You have been sitting
in here for hours.
I've just got a few more
films to go through.
Can't you watch them tomorrow?
Not if I want my
team to be ready
To play the
Titans next week.
It's starting again, Coach.
Hmm?
You're ignoring me, this family.
I am not.
Oh, please!
You have sat in here night after night,
forgetting about me
And everything
that matters to you.
Ignoring us is-Is something
that you've never been able to resist,
Like a make-Your-Own-Taco bar
or midget wrestling.
Jesus, Barb.
This is my last shot.
These films matter.
I need them to become
a better coach, to win.
I just don't see how watching
Man-On-Man porn
makes you a better coach.
Why must everyone
question my method?
Why does it have to be so hard core?
Once again, my method!
Can you knock it off, I Pod?
It's a DVD, for God's sakes.
It's open.
Hey, um...
Hi.
- I was just, um...
- I get it.
Practicing ballet will help
with your footwork in the pocket?
Exactly.
It's the footwork in the pocket.
Um...
Yeah, what's up?
I'm supposed to give you these.
Oh, okay.
The Gridiron Gangbang.
The Bad News Bare Asses.
The Longest Nards.
- His method.
- His method. Yeah.
What's that all about?
What? Oh, this?
My dad thought
it might help me
Hold onto the ball
for next game.
Does it hurt?
I'm kind of used to it.
So he's done this before?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There, that'll keep
you from letting go.
Hey, look out for the tr-
Don't worry about it.
They're baby teeth.
You'll grow new ones.
Happy 12th birthday, Lance.
There you go. Drink up.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go to a bar or something.
The thing is, it's all my fault.
I got a great arm,
but I keep dropping the ball.
I always have.
I mean, I don't know how to fix it.
See?
You have no idea
what it's like
To have a father whose
entire world is sports.
Oh, you think so?
Mom, go long. Go long.
- Close your eyes
- Right?
Don't want you to see...
That's my girl,
straight A's!
Straight A's!
Let's just say it
Where are we going?
Illegal use
of the hands.
- Have we gone too far?
- Game over.
Have we gone too far?
Wow.
I had no idea.
Have we gone too far?
I thought that I had the
craziest sports dad ever.
Me, too.
Just close your eyes
What a surprise
Till we get there
You won't know where
See you around
I hope I see you around
Just close your eyes
The way I always do
It's always a surprise
To be with you
You won't know where...
Wow.
They look just like footballs.
Oh.
Oh.
No, wait.
- I, I can't do this.
- No.
Yeah, it's okay,
I can hold onto them.
- No, really, I...
- No, just give me a chance.
It's all wrong.
I have a boyfriend.
- Yeah, I know.
- So I have to... go.
No! I...
Um, Michelle, I... I need
to tell you something.
Michelle.
Out of my way, fat ass.
You finally decide to block
something and it's my locker?
I was just going to
drop off an invitation
To my birthday party.
FYI, there's going
to be a petting zoo.
Nice.
Score one for Trotter,
Which is one more
than he had yesterday.
Ooh...
Look, man, why don't you just
pretend this whole thing
Is a football...
and just drop it?
PLAYERS
Ooh!
Why don't you act like a barbell
and get benched?
Why don't you pretend this
whole thing is a basket
Full of groceries
and get sacked?
Hey, hey!
Why don't you act like my parents,
Go upstairs
and have some makeup sex?
- Huh?
- What?
Hey!
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
Yeah.
Now, you listen to me.
This is a team.
And the only way
we're going to win
Is when you start
acting like one.
And you can sure as hell bet
that no one is leaving
This locker room
until you understand
What being a team is all about.
Coach is right.
We got to start believing
in each other.
Like brothers.
That's the only way
we're going to win.
Please.
You'll never be my brother.
Si, es la verdad.
We're all too different.
Nothing in this world could
bring this team together.
#Just a small-Town girl #
#Living in a lonely world#
#She took a midnight
train going anywhere#
#Just a city boy#
#Born and raised
in South Detroit#
#He took the midnight train
going anywhere!#
#A singer in a smoky room#
#The smell of wine
and cheap perfume#
#For a smile,
they can share the night#
#It goes on and on
and on and on#
#Strangers waiting#
#Up and down the boulevard#
#Their shadows searching
in the night#
#Streetlight people#
#Livin' just to find emotion#
#Hiding#
#Somewhere in the night#
#Strangers waiting#
#Up and down the boulevard#
#Their shadows searching#
#In the night#
#Don't stop believin' #
#Hold on to that feeling#
#Streetlight people #
#Don't stop believin' #
# Hold on #
#Streetlight... #
And the booster club
laughed at me when I demanded
A smoke machine and laser lights
for the locker room.
All right, gather 'round, take a knee.
Got a letter here from
a little boy named Bobby Taylor.
The kid's sick, real sick.
Probably won't make it
through the night.
Goddamn it.
Bobby has one last dying wish.
That's for the opposing team
to win this game.
Now, we gonna let Bobby
get his wish?
No!
- What do we want him to do?
Die sad!
- Can't hear you.
- Die sad!
Get out there...
- Let's go, Comebacks.
- Yeah, Comebacks.
- Who are they playing?
- Uh, I don't know, the Titans?
Do you remember them?
No, I don't, 'cause
they're forgettable.
Very forgettable.
Okay, listen up.
Since our team got integrated,
I know a lot of you white
players are nervous
About losing your positions
to our faster,
More athletic,
more talented colored boys.
Well, you have nothing
to worry about,
'Cause when the Titans
take the field,
There is no black and white...
just crimson and gold,
- The colors of our uniform.
- Yes.
We family.
Starting lineup, Isaiah.
Come on.
- Williams.
- Yeah.
- Washington.
- Yeah.
Washington.
- Washington.
- Yes.
Damn. Washington.
Yeah.
- Jefferson.
- Come on, Jefferson.
Jefferson, tell your mom
I got caller I D now.
I know it's her.
- Carter.
- Come on, Carter.
Check his eligibility.
- Boyer.
- Yeah.
- LeTroy.
- Yeah! Let's do this!
Where the hell you
think you're going?
You said Troy.
I said LeTroy.
Sit your marshmallow
ass back on the bench.
White boy think he gonna
cover a receiver.
You gonna learn,
Crack is whack
and white don't cover black!
Now let's pray.
Red and white.
That's right, that's right,
that's right, that's right.
Red and white.
Here's the kickoff,
As the Comebacks
try to bounce back
From last week's
humiliating loss.
The ball is loose...
and Trotter recovers!
Yes! Yes!
- That's the way!
- Yeah, yeah! Yeah, baby.
That's the way right there.
Ready, break!
Hmm?
Mm-Hmm.
Hike!
Truman drops back.
Touchdown Comebacks.
Their first score of the season.
Hike!
Juanson picks up the loose ball.
- Touchdown!
- Whoo!
That's how we do it.
All right!
Sorry. I hugged him
a little too hard.
I like your badonkadonks,
by the way.
Let's go!
Set. Hut!
Titans on the reverse.
Ooh, what a move!
He's to the 30, the 20, the 10!
Another Titans touchdown.
Are you kidding me?
Let's go get the quarterback!
Let's go!
Yeah, I get it.
You're gonna kill me.
Wha-What's this part?
Oh, that means
he's gonna fist you too.
Time's ticking down,
and we're still tied.
It all rests in the hands
of quarterback Lance Truman.
Blue 20.
Blue 20. Hut!
He drops back.
They're going long!
Juanson's wide open.
- He makes the catch.
- That's the way!
Hot damn, he's on fire.
Touchdown! The Comebacks win!
The Comebacks win!
Whoo-Hah!
Oh, gee.
Oh, di, do, do, di, do.
Whoo, you like that,
you big baby, don't you?
- Take it like a man.
- All right!
Heck of a job
out there today!
- Except for Randy.
Aww...
You had no part in the victory.
You added nothing.
Coach, can I play
in the next game?
I'll toss your salad.
Please tell me you're gonna start
chopping up lettuce and tomatoes.
I'll salute your flagpole.
Please tell me
you're a patriot.
I'll pack your fudge.
Please tell me you're
a confectioner's assistant.
Oh, no. I really meant I was gonna
pack your fudge and toss your salad.
All right, listen.
I want you all
to go out and celebrate.
Tear it up.
Explore your bodies.
Lather up your nethers,
get 'em wet, sticky. Shave it.
Go out and get yourself
a venereal disease,
Whatever it is you kids
are into these days.
All right, get in here.
S.T.D.'S on three.
- One, two, three.
- S.T.D.'S.
The strippers are here.
Bling-Bling.
Bling-Bling, baby.
Yo, what took
you so long, ese?
Stuff isn't easy to find
this time of night.
What's up, 'Seel?
That's some good shit.
Yeah... Now I can eat
my Fruity Flakes.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Blue Crush,
where you been?
Catching some waves.
I'm a total hard-Core
surfer chick.
At night?
In the middle of Texas?
I told you... I'm hard-Core.
What's that?
I'm writing
my local congressman,
Because I'm worried about
the rapidly decaying future
Of Social Security.
During a party? Why?
Because everyone's
labeled me rebellious,
So I'm rebelling
against the rebellious label
By being conscientious
in rebellion.
Duh.
Michelle, I can't stop
thinking about you.
That night when we kissed,
and I...
Bobbled your boobies...
I don't want to talk about it.
Why not?
Why won't you give me a chance?
Because if we went out,
You'd pick me up, we'd
drive out to the lake,
Have a little picnic,
some wine,
We'd lay out on
a blanket and ball.
And ball, ball,
ball, ball, ball.
We'd do it over and over
for hours and hours.
And I would ride you so hard
You wouldn't be able
to walk for weeks.
We'd do it every day.
All the time.
Always trying new things
And different positions.
Then we'd get married,
Move into a nice house
and have kids.
Two vacations a year.
One on a beach, and one
most likely in Europe,
With the occasional
Africa or Asia.
Second home on a lake,
early retirement.
Never tiring of
each other's bodies
Or lessening
the frequency of sex.
Well, excuse me.
But that is not the type
of life that I would want.
That sounded pretty good to me.
Especially the balling part.
Hmm.
You know what, Michelle?
I bet, under that tough
exterior of yours,
Under all that self-Tanner
and macrame bikini,
There's something
very warm and soft.
And pink.
Probably smells a little bit,
but not too much.
I am not going to let you
sweet-Talk me, Lance Truman.
Fine.
I hope you are kidding me.
A study group.
Please tell me
This is some kind of a joke.
Calculus.
Shakespeare?
You all signed a contract.
What are you trying to do?
Ruin your season
before it even begins, huh?
No, Coach. We're simply
trying to keep up our G.P.A.S.
Oh, is that what you call it?
Mm-Hmm. You make me sick,
all of you.
Now, I was hoping...
That you kids would
have the gumption
To do this on your own.
But, apparently,
I'm gonna have to
take you by the friggin' hand.
You won a football game!
Everybody knows that after
you win a football game
You're supposed to consume
alcohol at a dangerous rate!
Ah!
You should be
popping ecstasy, man!
Oh, yeah,
and huffin' some paint!
What's the color?
Good times.
Yeah.
Look at me now, man.
Yeah, I brought all these
illegal drugs to the party...
In my fake Louis Vuitton bag
that's chock-Full
Of pirated DVDs
I got down in Chinatown.
Who cares, man?
I'm just having some fun,
because I won a football game.
Yeah! I'm a huge
drug-Pushing drug guy.
Check me out.
Gotta have some more of that.
That's the right spot.
Now I'm crazy wasted
with a bunch of minors
And I'm taking off
all my clothes.
Yeah, it's cool, man.
I'm a football player.
That's what we do!
Ow!
It's the cops!
You'll never take me alive.
Freeze, tighty-Whities!
Ah! Right in my Reggie Bush!
Oh, come on.
You have got to be kidding me.
You can do it! Come on!
Get it! Get it!
Get it!
Aw! I'm sorry, Clint.
I couldn't get it
unstuck either.
Well, thanks for trying.
I should just ask for another one,
- But that piece goes so well with the room.
- Mm-Hmm.
It does coordinate nicely
with those throw pillows.
- Wanna have sex again?
- No, I'm good.
- Who are you?
- I'm the warden.
You can go free
If you beat me in hoops...
- One on one.
- Hoops?
Me likey.
I feel I should warn you.
I was the leading scorer
of the Jewish community center
Bitty-Boy's Basketball League
three years straight.
Well, I think I'm gonna
spare you the humiliation
And just wait to be bailed out.
Psst!
Are you sure you
don't want to cuddle?
And so, Coach called the only man
He knew he could
always count on.
The man who had been by his
side through everything.
The only man he knew
he could trust.
His partner, his rock, the wind
beneath his wings-Me.
Thanks for coming, Freddie.
How long before
you can get me out?
I'm not going to be
able to do that, Coach.
What? Why?
It was right about then
that Coach Fields
Realized something was afoot.
His old friend Freddie
had betrayed him
And orchestrated a most
nefarious scheme
- That would allow Freddie...
- Why you talking like that?
Ooh, my bad.
But now you know, Coach.
The reason why I wanted you to
be head coach of the Comebacks
Is because I'm head coach
Of the Lone Star State Unbeatables.
Coach of the number one
team in the conference.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I want it to stay that way.
See, I knew the Comebacks
had a shot this year.
And I also knew, if I could
talk you back into coaching
They'd sink like a stone,
Because that's what you do, Coach-
You lose!
You bastard.
How could you?
Freddie decided
it was time to go.
As for Coach, he had
bigger things to worry about.
Why, just this morning,
He banged the wife
of the guy sitting next to him.
Come on, Turbo.
That's impossible.
I'm in here with you.
I'll get you for this!
Send a message to the warden.
I'll take him up
on his little offer.
Your interpersonal skills are horrible.
And you're a terrible gossip.
Everybody knows that.
People talk about you.
You cheat at checkers.
Oh, why resist it? Aah.
Oop da. Yeah, easy.
That's right.
Make it, take it, be-Yotch.
Yeah! Come on!
Is that all you got?
I hope you weren't
planning on leaving today.
Get that shit outta here.
It's called skills, junior.
And I guess I got some. Whoa.
Change of rules.
Even if you win,
you're still gonna stay here.
What you looking at?
I'm not getting it.
Fine.
I'll get it.
I got it.
Hurry up!
Shit.
All right, gang, today we play
the Friday Night Lights.
They're one of the best teams
in the conference.
I'm not going to lie to you.
There's a lot of drama
going on over there.
Just found out that
Rick fell off the wagon.
He's drinking again.
And Lyla is cheating on Jason
With Tim, if you can believe that.
Smash can't
control his temper,
And I just found out
That last night,
Billy and Tyra
Had a pre-Homecoming party
And it got broken
up by the cops,
Which means, for us...
Automatic victory-
They're not gonna make it!
Rock n' roll!
Blue, 22! Hike!
- Hey.
- Hey, Coach.
- How's it going, Coach?
- Good game, guys.
Thanks
Oh, for the love of the game.
We all remember that touching story
Of the autistic
high school boy
Who was finally
given his chance to play.
This amazing story
has inspired people
From all different
walks of life.
Last night,
at Cleveland General Hospital,
Dr. Edmund Grand allowed Billy,
a longtime orderly,
A chance at his dream.
Touching story
out of Cleveland.
Time of death- 8:05.
There you are.
Well...
Tonight should be the greatest
night of my life, Barb.
But those kids,
they still just don't get it.
Who's that?
Who's who?
That guy in the
bed with you.
Right there.
Oh... um...
I didn't think
you'd mind.
We-We took in a foreign
exchange student.
He's a foreign
exchange student?
Uh-Huh.
Where you from?
I'm from, uh...
Banging-Your-Wife-Istan.
Where is that?
It's, uh...
It's a little south of, uh,
Doing-Barb's-Fine-Ass-Yvania.
All right, Coach, all right.
I... I just couldn't
take it anymore.
You were never here,
and I am a woman
- In her sexual prime.
- Yeah.
Don't try to stop me, Coach.
I have finally found a man
who gives me what I need.
There isn't a Doing-Barb's-
Fine-Ass-Yvania, is there?
Is there?
Big story developing
out of Plainfolk, Texas.
Heartland State head coach
Lambeau Fields
Is taking an unusual stance
against academic excellence.
He has locked his team
out of practice all week,
And now the squad is in danger
of forfeiting the upcoming
Conference championship
at the Toilet Bowl.
You sure got to have some
big clankers to come in here.
Go ahead. Do your worst.
My wife left me.
Aw, hell.
It's my fault.
I forgot she was there.
Boys, if you find
that perfect gal
That has all
the little things,
And, yet, she's willing
to enhance them surgically
Into bigger things.
And she doesn't mind
showing them to your friends
At a New Year's Eve party,
That's a gal.
- Yeah.
- That's the gal.
Well, don't take it so hard,
poon cheeks.
We've all walking in
on a loved one
Getting barn-Doored
by a half rack of bird doggers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we sure have.
Ow.
Hell, I remember
when my Dorothy left me,
And I did everything
I could to get her back.
And when I did, I made sure
that she'd never leave me again.
How'd you do that?
I treated her like a queen-
Like an Egyptian queen.
Mummified and entombed her
in the basement.
Her shrieks of help
like music to my ears.
It's all about communication, fellas.
My Jeanie, she used to wag
her finger in front of my face
And bug the bejesus
out of me.
But, well, we sat down
and when we discussed it
In a mature manner and-And-
And now sh-She'll never,
Never wave this finger
in front of me again.
Amen to that.
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna tell you something.
It's about compromise.
Now take Salamander here.
Now we get up in each other's
rifle racks now and again.
But then we make up and talk
about it. We bangity-Boo.
You know what I'm saying, Coach?
Solid advice, fellas.
You're good people.
It's still locked.
What's up, guys?
It's time to do something
we should have done long ago.
Get in the back.
Let's go.
Let's do it!
I think we're gonna need
a bigger truck.
I can't believe you, Dad.
Haven't you put
the team through enough?
They did it to themselves, Michelle.
I finally found someone
that I care about
And you're taking
away his dreams.
Sweetie, Trotter
only cares about himself.
I don't like Trotter anymore.
There's somebody else.
Someone kind and sensitive.
Someone who
Loves to laugh and...
Makes me feel wanted and alive.
Michelle, I'm your daddy.
I'm talking about Lance.
Oh... Oh, good.
He's a good boy.
He has a future.
This could be the real thing.
I want what you and Mom have.
Herpes.
No!
True love.
Oh...
Well, if you find it,
hold on to it tight.
Look at me. I blew it.
I promised your mother
I wouldn't let this job
Get in the way of our family,
and I failed her.
It's not too late, Dad.
You can change all of this.
All you have to do
is win the championship.
Can't I lose by just a little?
No, Dad. You have to win.
You've spent your
whole life losing,
And this is your last,
and actually first chance,
To prove everyone wrong.
I know you're scared.
But you have to remember,
There used to be a...
A big, big man inside of you.
There's a reason for that.
I was in prison,
I didn't have a choice.
No, uh...
What I'm trying to say is that...
I believe in you, Dad.
Oh...
And Mom does, too.
Sweetie...
Thank you.
Well...
Then I better take care of business.
And when I'm done, we're gonna
win that championship.
What the hell
is going on here?
Hey, Coach.
Buddy Boy smashed a whole
I Pod's doing body shots
out of his belly button.
And Jorge, he's been
dancing like this
For the past six hours.
And Jasminder,
she made 300 bucks.
And I think that Randy
lost his cherry
To Gwen Stefani over there.
And our signed contracts.
I have never been so proud
of a team in my entire life.
Yes!
Who do you play for?
Comebacks!
Hello, everyone.
Al Michaels, along with
John Madden, and welcome
To Odessa, Texas, home of
the second annual Toilet Bowl.
And-And this is
the place you really want to be, Al-
I mean, right in the middle
of the Toilet Bowl.
I mean, there's no place
in the world I'd rather be.
What's this, Freddie?
Your players look like a bunch
of thankless thugs and thieves.
That's because they are.
They're my gridiron gang.
So, you want to forfeit,
Save yourself a lot of
embarrassment and pain?
Why would I start now?
Lance!
Michelle.
I left something
for you in your locker.
For good luck.
I know.
I'm wearing it.
What?
The lace bra and the...
Crotch-Less panties.
No. I left you a note.
Oh.
A note saying that I'm sorry
For the way that I treated you.
That I was afraid
of a real relationship.
That I'm not afraid anymore.
That I am dying to let
you know how much I love you.
Nope, I never got that.
Oh. Okay, well, check.
Maybe it fell into the back
of your locker or something.
Yeah, I'll... okay.
Lance.
Wait.
There's something else
that I wanted to give you.
This.
Well, isn't that sweet?
Trotter...
We'll settle this on the field.
Woo! Michelle!
Got your letter, baby.
You and me after
the game, mama.
Woo! Yeah.
John, the excitement is so thick
In this stadium,
you could cut it with a knife.
A- A-And there's two things
That I love to cut with a knife.
One of'em is turkey,
and the other one is excitement.
And if you're a Comebacks fan,
You got to hope
they're not the turkeys.
But you have to believe
The Unbeatables will be
the guys with the knives.
Take a look down there-
It's unbelievable what's going on.!
Believers coming through!
- That's right! Get up!
- Get up!
- That's right. What's up?
- Come on. What's up!
What's up, eighth row?
Uh-Uh!
And the team captains
Take the field, ready
for the ceremonial coin toss.
Call it in the air.
And when I say "it,"
I do mean the coin.
Where is it?
Now where is it?
It's right here in your ear.
Call it in the air.
We'll receive.
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Okay, ready... hut!
Unbeatables back to pass.
He's wide open.!
The bomb.!
He could go
All the way...
To Mexico.!
Green-20!
Green-20!
Hut!
Nah, you take that!
You take that!
Ooh!
Like you took my girl!
Personal foul.
Cock blocking.
Look, it's nothing personal, Trotter.
I'm in love with her, man.
Man, only thing you love
is taking my girl from me.
Man, would you guys shut up?
This game's bigger
than the two of you.
Football taught me
how to cope...
With anger, with life.
This team's all I got.
Without it, I have nothing.
Back on the skreets.
Dude,
Your parents
just bought you a house.
A condo.
A junior one-Bedroom.
Where am I supposed
to park my Prius, dawg?
All right, all right.
Pro-Right-94, on one.
On one. Ready?
Break!
Hut!
How about a flag, ref?
My guy's getting mugged out there.
Don't take
my Gold Card, man. Come on.
That's ridiculous.
How much is he paying you?
A 1,000 dollars a call.
Twice the going rate.
Where is it now?
Hut!
Come on, ref!
That's attempted homicide!
You gotta call that!
What are you guys, blind?
Unbeatables up the middle
For an easy touchdown.!
They're running
all over the Comebacks,
Who are more than overmatched.
Jim Rome here, and this is a ridiculous
Half-Time score:35 to nothing.!
BOTH
We believe. We believe.
We believe.
So, you ready to give up?
Almost.
Hey, hey, my favorite part of the game-
The half-Time show.!
Janet Jackson and Justin
Timberlake couldn't make it,
So instead, we present you
with this wholesome salute
To American values.
#The weekend's here #
# The weather's nice,
two football teams are playin' #
# I put your
favorite beer on ice #
#But the couch
is where you're staying #
# The game is
on the plasma screen #
#Got deep-Fried snacks
for munchin' #
# Rootin' for
the home team #
#Oops, wardrobe
malfunction #
I mean, I mean,
It started out where she
was wearing
A lot of clothes,
then she wasn't wearing
A lot of clothes,
and then boom, I got a chubby.
Take a knee.
Listen up.
I've been a loser all my life.
I came into this world ass-First.
I was raised as a girl till
my walnuts dropped at age 13.
I didn't lose my virginity
until I was 22.
That was by accident.
I didn't know
I was gonna have to pay for it-
I thought it was a date.
I've destroyed everything
I've ever touched,
Chased away everyone
who's ever loved me.
I am...
...a failure as a husband
And a father and a coach.
And a human being.
Um... Coach?
Isn't this the part
Where you turn
your personal tragedies
And shortcomings
Into a rousing,
inspirational rally cry?
Huh?
Oh. That's a great idea.
You're a real asset
to the team!
Well, thanks, Coach.
Does that mean I can play
in the second half?
No, absolutely not.
All right.
All right.
I don't think
I have to tell you all,
The scope
of the second half is to...
Aim high.
And I...
Pledge... to all of you.
That you will be
Showered...
By the cheers
And shouts of joy...
From your fans.
It depends...
...on you now.
Remember...
Your preparation
H...
And you can all be...
Champs!
Yeah, champs!
All right, let's close our eyes
and bow our heads.
Okay, you can open
your eyes again.
All right, let's go get 'em!
Second half just under way,
And despite the score,
it seems the Comebacks
Are even more fired up.!
And nobody wants this
More than Coach Fields.
That's the way!
That's the way!
Hope you had a good rest, Oprah.
Actually, Coach gave
a very inspirational spee...
Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Oprah. I'm saying you're
as fat as Oprah, you fat ass!
Are you
saying Oprah's fat?
Oprah's an incisive
and charitable lady,
You miserable piece of shit!
The toss to Trotter...
Ooh.! And Truman lays
a huge block.!
Go, go!
Yeah!
That's the way!
Truman scrambling.
Nowhere to go.!
Oh, look at that, Trotter
takes out two Unbeatables.!
I mean, I mean,
Looks like he's
gonna score, Al.!
The Comebacks are finally
starting to play like a team.!
Yes! Yes! Yes.
Oh!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Nice block.
Thanks.
Nice run.
Thanks.
Hey, Lance.
Be good to her, man.
Be good to her, too.
Not all about winning, is it?
Hey, cameraman!
I hope you're
watching, Barb.
John, it looks like Coach Fields
Is holding up the sign,
"I heart you. "
Oh, he loves me.
Like chili fries
and the smell of his own burps.
BOTH He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
He loves you, Barb.
Why can't I have that?
It's so beautiful.
Aww.
Hey, Coach!
Suppose I can get in the game?
Hey, guys, look who's back.
- I'm a quick healer.
- Hey, gang.
The cavalry's arrived.
And he goes by the name of-
Aseel Tare.
Okay, I got it. ACL Tear,
get out there. Let's go.
Not you Randy. Not you.
Set!
Brown-88! Hike!
Aseel Tare with the carry.
Look at that.!
He's got the entire defense
on his back.
The pile is clearing, John.
Yeah, yeah, it is. And take a look at that.
He got ripped into pieces.
Oh!
No worries!
I'm a quick healer. Whoo!
Yeah!
John, what we're seeing here
Is a definite shift
in momentum.
I mean, we-we really are, Al.
I mean, y-You take a look
at what's happening
And they were down by a lot
And now they're not down
by as much
And-And pretty soon
they could erase this deficit.
Randy.
Randy.
Randy.
Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy!
They're calling your name, son.
Get out there!
Randy! Randy!
Go! Go, Randy!
Would you look at this.!
Randy Randinger is making
His first appearance ever
for the Comebacks.!
Randinger's wide open.!
He scores!
Unbelievable!
Blue-Ten!
Hut!
Ooh!
Randinger with
a block out of nowhere.!
You are not gonna believe this.!
The Comebacks score.!
How was it, son, everything
you'd hoped it would be?
Hey, thought you
might want this...
Get away! Get away!
Get away!
Aah!
Blue-22! Blue-22!
Hut!
Yes!
He knows our playbook.
What? How is that possible?
Freddie knows all my secrets,
Where I get all my plays.
What are we gonna do?
Someone else has
to call the play,
Someone Freddie
wouldn't expect,
Someone who thinks
outside the Xbox.
I Pod!
I Pod. Hey, there, little buddy.
How would you like
to call a play, huh,
Help us win
a championship?
What do you say?
What do I say?
Man, I been waiting all season
for you to ask.
Dude, I have been humping legs,
Carrying this...
Stupid cord all over
the damn place,
And now, fourth quarter
of the last game,
You come and ask me for...
All right, all right!
Just call the play, will ya?
Get out of my...
Watch yourself, watch yourself.
All right, everybody, come on.
- Let's go get 'em!
- Let's go get 'em! Let's go!
Audible!
Let's switch it up!
Shift!
Shift!
What the heck is that?
That... is the
I Pod Shuffle.
Hut!
Trotter... back to Truman...
...back to Trotter...
Who scores!
I mean, that was incredible!
Phenomenal!
Coach Wiseman
has got to be feeling the heat
As the Comebacks only trail
By one touchdown.
It's fourth and goal.
With just seconds remaining,
the fate of the Comebacks
Lies in the hands
of quarterback Lance Truman.
Ref! Time out!
I can't do it, Coach.
What's the problem?
What if I drop the ball?
And what if you don't?
Damn!
Give me your hands.
Aw, geez!
Lance.
Yeah?
Do it for me.
Okay.
Okay.
We can do this, guys.
Yeah!
Let's do this! Oh!
- Yeah, Lance!
- Come on!
Set!
Hut!
Hold on to it, Lance.
Yeah!
Get out there, Jiz!
Wait.
We're not playing for the tie.
I say we go for the win!
Get out there!
They're going for two?
Don't worry.
I got one more page
in my playbook.
Set!
Looks like the Unbeatables coach,
Freddie Wiseman, has entered
the game at middle linebacker.!
Time out, Comebacks.
John, something weird seems to
be going on down on the field.
Yeah, it looks like Lambeau Fields
Was suiting up.
I think he's gonna go
For the two-Point
conversion himself.
Coach!
Coach!
It's me, honey! I'm here!
I'd give anything for one last shot.
Because that's what you do,
Coach, you lose!
I want what you and Mom have.
Herpes.
Set! Green-20!
Green-20! Hike!
Yeah!
The Comebacks did it!
Coach Fields
has finally done it.!
The Comebacks win!
Do you believe in miracles?
Yes!
How long
have you been waiting to say that?
The Comebacks have won.!
They beat the Unbeatables.!
Phenomenal.!
We did it! We did it!
My shit goin'
to Disney World, baby. Yeah!
- Dude, guess what!
- What?
My parents just said we
could use the beach house
In the Hamptons for
the week to celebrate!
- No way! Oh, my God!
- Yeah!
And I get a real tattoo!
I love you, Dad.
- My boy!
- Dad!
Coach! Coach!
I'm okay.
Barbara!
Coa...
Oh!
Barbara!
Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Barb!
Barb!
Get out of my way!
Coach! Coach!
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
I'm a winner, Barb.
I'm hanging up
my whistle for good.
I'm never gonna
let sports come
Before you and the
kids ever again.
Uh, Coach Fields?
Coach Fields, excuse me?
Name's Gabe Low.
I'm looking for a new
head basketball coach
At Sequel University,
And I think you're
just the man.
Well, mister,
I sure don't know anything
about basketball...
...but I'll take it!
- Coach Fields!
Coach, how does it feel
To finally win
a championship game?
Um... to be honest,
it really hasn't hit me yet.
I thought
it would feel better than this.
You guys are ripping me apart!
Let's do it!
I think we're gonna need
a bigger truck.
All right, huddle up!
Break!
Lend an ear, take a knee.
Clock's running down.
The game is on the line.
No time outs left.
Not gonna go for the tie.
This time I'm gonna win!
See an open door!
Gonna walk right in!
Nobody shed a tear
for old Freddie.
At least, not after he...
"Borrowed" $200,000
from the school's Booster club,
Moved his athletic ass
on down to Mexico
And entered into a consensual
polygamous relationship
With two
fine-looking young ladies.
Adios, y'all.
Aw, Scruffy!
I think we nailed it!
Thank you! Good night!