Cougars Inc. (2011) Movie Script
' Inside my memory '
' There's a Iist | of forgotten things '
' Tracing back to | an Indonesian restaurant '
' And outside on the patio '
' There's a man | named Horatio '
' He makes his Iiving | selling dreams '
' He caIIs them fantasies '
' Gimme some more '
' Some more of your IoVe! '
I run...
a successfuI
underground escort service.
I recruit from a rec room
on the third fIoor of my dorm
where l pimp the kids | from my boarding schooI.
ln fact, l have two | of my boys right here.
And they are | just one tabIe away
from one of my tricks.
Now I know you'Ve probabIy | got about 20 questions
right on the tip | of your tongue.
WeII, if you must know,
then Iet us begin.
Sam!
Over here.
Sam, you have been kicked out
of a couple of Very prominent
boarding schooIs in this country.
- Okay, yes, but about that-- | - Stop.
I read your transcripts. | You'Ve got a 3.87
three years and running.
You've got some kick-ass | writing sampIes to boot.
You aIso cIearIy have | a probIem with authority.
And it just | makes my mind wonder,
"What exactly | am I in for here, Sam?"
Okay, noted.
But here is the thing:
I wasn't exactly kicked out | of all my schools per se.
I am somebody that you would | consider a victim of, um...
- Circumstances? | - Circumstances, yes.
And you know what? | Most peopIe don't believe it,
but...
I've journaIed about it, man. | You can read it if you want.
Just give me the CIiff Notes. | Summarize, Sam.
' Donkey see, donkey do '
' I don't wanna go to school '
' Hey baby bIue, put your feet | on the ground '
' Feet on the ground '
' Let your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, | forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave | not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, | I don't wanna go to schooI '
' Danke, try to make my day, | l don't wanna participate '
' Yeah '
' Hey baby bIue, | put your feet on the ground '
' Feet on the ground, | Iet your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, | forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave | not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, | I don't wanna go to schooI. '
- Mom. | - Sam?
That's tough.
Nah, you know, it's just kinda...
par for the course | when your mom's an ex-PIaymate.
WeII put.
I know your mom.
Hmm? | ReaIIy?
You know, Sam, | she's a nice Iady.
Batshit crazy, | but she's a good chick.
So is that you?
That, my friend, | was the EIiminator tour.
Eight years of more pussy | than any one man couId ever handIe...
which, by the way, | is why you shouId wear a rubber.
Or you'II find yourseIf | knocking up the wrong groupie
and trading in your dream
of a harmonica soIo | with Billy Gibbons
to become the headmaster | of a private academy.
But...
I Iove my daughter.
She taught me | how to respect women.
Or some shit like that. | You ready for the $5 tour?
This is our history department. | lan, get off that cell phone.
Oh good. | 'Cause I'm a history nut.
I'm a reaIIy big fan | of the French RevoIution,
especiaIIy NapoIeon. | l love Napoleons.
They're very tasty. | Have you ever had one?
So you're a writer and a dick?
I'd be carefuI of your roomie here.
I hear he's a bit of a strange bird,
Iikes to whip out the fifi bag
when the Iights go down.
What is a fifi bag?
Bukowski term.
What is a Bukowski?
A Bukowski?
WeII, it's not a Rusty Trombone
or a Gorilla Mask. | A Bukowski is a writer.
A poet?
Come on. | "Notes from a Dirty OId Man"?
"Ham on Rye"? | "Post Office"?
Hm-mm.
WeII,
it's good you're continuing your education. | You came to the right pIace.
You keep your GPA up,
no swearing within earshot,
and stay out of troubIe,
so I can keep you
from getting your ass | kicked out this go around.
Capisce?
Yeah, of course.
PIus, how much mayhem | could l possibly cause
in a school that's got | tea cozies on the waII?
' Eff that, | take the radio back '
' l'm coming | with that stadium rap '
' I got the stadium packed '
' From the front to the back, | make the stadium clap '
' Let's keep it moving, | I see you workin' '
' FIy girIs, freaks | and the virgins '
' Take the radio back '
' Chris Young coming | with that stadium rap '
' HeIIo, C Young | with the stadium raps '
' She ain't a Kimora Simmons, | but the baby is phat! '
' And l keep | my cranium packed '
' With more Uranium than | they didn't have in lraq. '
Hey!
Knock it off.
Look, I can expIain.
- You know what? Sir, I can expIain. | - Shawn and his friends
- tried to smoke us again. | - lt wasn't his fault.
- You caIIed me Snoop, racist. | - That's a Iie.
You said degrading stuff | about my stature, dipshit--
- l mean, Shawn. | - Sir, it's true. He started it.
- Shawn. | - What?
Come on. You're not actuaIIy gonna | buy this side of the story, are you?
You're teasing and fighting | with the new kid aIready?
And you wonder why | you're a fifth-year senior.
- Dan-- | - Sir!
Sir.
He waIked in, we were hanging out, | he punched me in the face.
BIame is the first sign | of weakness.
Now apoIogize.
- Fuck that. | - Fuck that?!
Headmaster? | Language? Demerits?
Does any of that ring | a goddamn beII to you?
This is buIIshit.
Tuck in that damn shirt
and be in my office | in 10 minutes.
Come here.
WeII, you do haVe a string | of bad luck, don't you?
- That's the worst kid I got. | - I toId you.
Yeah?
WeII, why don't we try | to change that now?
That's a good idea.
Go make some new friends.
Now.
Sam. | Sam, thank you so much.
You are our savior. | I'm not gonna Iie to you.
That guy's such a douche. | He does that aII the time.
We shouId hang out sometime.
By the way, l'm Jimmy. | This is Chuck. This is Teddy.
Where are you from? I'm having | a hard time, but I'm thinking it's Manhattan.
I'm getting this tri-state area | kind of thing. New York?
Yeah, it's New York | with that handshake that you're doing.
Okay, caIm down. | Look, it's good to meet you guys
and I reaIIy appreciate | the camaraderie
in front of the headmaster | back there, but I gotta...
- Oh. | - Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. | For sure. No worries.
Um, thank you.
And just in case | you want to know--
Iike when you reaIize that this pIace | is a complete shithole--
we'II be waiting. | We'II be here.
- Right here, bro. | - CooI.
- If you need a friend... | - Sounds good.
Thank you.
' lt's just another story | with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' lt's only good if they | make you think it's bad '
' And I make my day | with the jagged IittIe Iines of fear '
' TiII I find out I got nothing near '
' Out at the seaside stomp '
' lt's just another story | with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' It's onIy good | if they make you think it's bad. '
Okay okay, | first of aII, first of aII--
don't hog it | 'cause I bought that.
And of course.
Ooh-hoo.
WeII weII weII.
Look who it is.
It's actuaIIy surprising. | I thought it wouId take Ionger.
You want to partake in some | recreationaI substance abuse?
I got some Scotch-- | single malt.
- Go for it, bro. | - That's good, actuaIIy.
So stoned.
You guys are aII right.
- No no no no. | - Shh.
Oh yeah, be quiet,
'cause Jesus Christ absoIution | is just mere steps away.
Oh, but seriousIy.
I beat off to your mom.
What? | What?
Don't act Iike you're surprised. | You know me.
It's no offense, | no offense.
No offense. Just if you're gonna | be friends with us,
you shouId know.
- Multiple times. | - AII right, come on, dude.
- She's fuckin' gorgeous. | - lt's fine. lt's fine.
lt's fine. | It's my cross to bear.
Look, to eVen the keeI, | if it makes you feeI any better,
my dad's partner | was Bernie Madoff.
- Ouch. | - And my mom's a freak.
My dad, he's an ex-baIIer.
Says l cramp his | any-given-Sunday IifestyIe.
Yeah, and I'm Asian.
He is. You shouId see this guy | drift in a Honda Civic.
Dick.
So what's there | to do around here?
So this is Main Street, huh?
Yup. | Open weekend--
the finaI frontier.
I fuckin' Iove | the weekends, bro.
I IoVe the girIs.
Go taIk to them.
What do you mean?
What do you mean | what do l mean?
We'Ve been waIking | up and down this street.
You've seen | the same girIs aII day.
Go up, say hi. | Go taIk to them.
Sam, if you haven't noticed, | we're not that cool.
Oh, come on, Chuck.
Except for Jimmy. He's got aII the bitches | on lock, ain't that right, Hef?
- God damn, man. | - Fuck both of you. I'm pIotting, asshoIes.
You know that's how I do-- | why wouId you-- such a dick.
You know what? You guys | hoId that thought. I'II be right back.
- Where you goin', man? | - I'm gonna go taIk to that girI.
I probabIy shouId have | wingmanned that one, huh?
Hi.
l'm sorry. | Do we know you?
- Um... | - This is the eye-fucker from Moore.
Oh my God, | you're the eye-fucker?
I guess I am | the eye-fucker
and l've been | compIeteIy caIIed out.
So congratuIations.
WeII, thank you, | thank you.
So now that we've got the | pIeasantries out of the way,
do you care to sit down | and join us for a Iatte?
- Yeah. | - Great.
- I'm Courtney. | - Hi.
And this is Angie. | And you are...?
Uh, Sam.
- WeII, nice to meet you, Sam. | - What up?
Hi.
WeII, what are you doing
on this gIorious sunny day, | young Samuel?
l'm just kind of | hanging out with my friends.
Oh, you have friends.
WeII, that's noveI.
AII my friends are dead | if you were wondering.
WeII, except for her,
but she's not reaIIy a friend | so I guess that doesn't count.
- Thanks, bitch. | - l love you.
- I IoVe you too. | - Make-out session Iater?
- What's so funny? | - You. You're funny.
He's charming.
God knows I'm trying.
HoId that thought.
HeIIo.
Yeah.
Okay.
Wow.
Fine. Fine.
Okay, bye.
- We got to jam. | - 10-4.
What do you mean? | Why you going so soon?
We're just-- just starting to | haVe so much fun.
It's my mom-- she's crazy and she spit | in a bartender's face now.
- So we got to go pick her up. | - Sweet.
Crazy bitch. Sounds Iike my mom. | They shouId probabIy carpooI.
That's-- he's funny.
You're cute too.
AII right. I'm thoroughIy bored | with this now.
I'm gonna get some | motherfuckin' fudge.
- Do you want any? | - I'm-- I'm good on the motherfuckin' fudge,
- but thanks, girI. | - Bye.
Nice girI.
So, uh, same time, | same pIace next weekend?
Yeah.
- Phone, please. | - I'm sorry. What?
So I can put my number in it | so we can make plans.
Do you haVe Asperger's | or something?
l don't know | what's wrong with you.
WeII, I just don't think | we're at the swapping--
swapping digits phase yet. | It's aII moving a IittIe fast for me.
Oh, l see. | It's so fast.
WeII then, no number for you. | WeII done, prince charming.
- Good job. | - Yo, tampon,
we got to go pick up | your aIkie mother.
Wait two seconds. | Jesus, Angie.
Hi. Sorry. | Here here.
- You sure? | - Yeah.
- Bye. | - Bye.
Nice fucking work, dude.
- WiII you be my mentor? | - That'll be nice.
- That was amazing. | - Okay, Iet's not jump on him aII at once.
Let's have some coffee | Iike some ciViIized peopIe.
- You don't even drink coffee. | - 'Cause it tastes like shit.
"And so l return | to the question at hand.
Do we resign ourseIves | to the sad truth
that our existence is pureIy | an exercise in human foIIy?
Or do we embrace every moment | of that existence
and forget about what it might | amount to one day?"
Now we all know | what Camus thinks--
It's fucking "Cammuss." | Crazy, right?
- It's Camus, you idiot. | - lt is?
Do you guys eVer read?
Sam?
- Hey. | - Hey.
Uh, uh, sit down.
Uh, yeah. | In a second.
l've got to tell you | something, though.
I, um...
met a girI.
And one that's not | in a straitjacket,
which is a pretty big | improvement for me.
- Sam. | - And then
I'm actuaIIy pretty sure | I compIeteIy aced
my Iiterature presentation
thanks to your | recommended reading.
- I'm going out on the streets with this... | - Sam.
...'cause l had no idea that | French-Moroccan existentiaIism
could be just | so damn fascinating.
Sam, I just got off the phone.
Your mother can't pay | for your schooI anymore.
We had a good run.
You know, you were, uh--
you were cooI, | my friends were cooI.
I got a IittIe Bukowski | out of it,
but I guess at the end | of the day,
eVen my mom's tits | aren't recession-proof.
Yeah.
Come on, man. | I Ieft my ID in my room.
l don't feel like | going to get it.
- Can you pIease just giVe me a drink? | - Nice try, junior.
He's with me.
Yeah, I-- I'm with her.
That's why I don't have my ID, | because I Ieft it in our room.
So how about you | just pour me that drink?
WhiIe you're at it, | you can refiII hers
and when you're done, you can bring it | to the tabIe. How about that?
- Thank you. | - Thank you.
And aIso, thank you.
You Iooked Iike | you needed it.
Oh boy, I did.
I actuaIIy stiII do.
Um, I'm Sam, | by the way.
- I'm AIison. | - Good to meet you, AIison.
Rough night?
Gotcha.
- Me too. | - Yeah.
My husband's mistress
showed up | at my house tonight
to compIain to me about | how he's cheating on her tonight.
S-s-shit.
l mean, l'm sure | that he can expIain.
He's reaIIy good at expIaining.
He's a very good expIainer.
- Like, he couId've expIained-- | - Yes, okay. Right, Iook,
- Okay, here we go. | - --that I was married--
Why don't we do this? | Why don't we do this?
Your husband's | a fucking asshoIe.
Okay? | I wouId...
I mean, what? | He goes out
and he cheats on you?
Twice?
And then he fuckin' | tries to explain?
What are you taIking about? | Who the heII cheats on you?
I mean, Iook at you. | You're beautifuI.
You'Ve got these eyes, | they sparkle.
They're Iike diamonds, | you know?
God, what?
That was reaIIy bad.
That just...
- won't sound genuine. | - Oh good.
No, it's a good thing.
So... so you go to school | around here or something?
Yeah, kinda.
- Kinda. | - Kinda?
How oId are you, Sam?
18.
Yeah, I shouId probabIy
get out of here | and get going.
You probabIy shouId.
I'II buy you another drink.
My husband probably | shouIdn't haVe cheated on me.
- Twice. | - Twice.
So...
- So... | - So...
l'm gonna stay | in town tonight.
Just teII RiIey | that I Iove him.
Okay?
Okay. Bye.
Is this creepy?
Creepy?
This is freaking amazing.
This is crazy.
I'm not that oId, | you know.
I'm not that young.
TechnicaIIy I'm not even | a senior anymore
because I can't pay | for my tuition.
This is fun, right?
Yeah.
This is fun.
You haVe an amazing ass.
So hey, you wanna | have fun again?
AbsoIuteIy.
I couId have fun aII night.
- I bet you can. | - l can.
- Good. | - Great.
- Less taIking, more doing. | - Okay.
AII right, so Iet me | get this straight.
This chick was hot,
brought you to her suite, | got you drunk,
had sex with you | multiple times
and Ieft you with a fucking | check in the morning?
Yeah.
That's fucking amazing. Why don't shit | like that ever happen to me, Jimmy?
It can. | It can.
Yeah. | Sam, she's got friends, right?
- Yeah, she's got friends. | - And you haVe money probIems.
- Yes, I haVe money probIems. | - Okay, so?
- So what? | - So hook it up.
Dude, it's not | what you think.
l don't even know | if I'm gonna caII this girI again.
Okay, this is Iike | a once-in-a-Iifetime thing.
Yeah, or Iike | a once-in-a-week time thing.
- You fuckin' know it. | - You know what I mean?
Guys, stop. | Come on.
Look, if you haVen't | already guessed it,
- I'm a Virgin, okay? | - Yeah, l know.
$500 is good. | I get it, okay?
l don't know | what you did with it,
but the fact | of the matter is
if we could parlay that | into two grand a week,
Sam, we couId pay for your tuition | in two months or less.
Like that. You couId stay in schooI | and we couId aII hang out again.
Plus we'd be bringing joy to | unhappiIy-married women eVerywhere.
- Whoa whoa whoa. | - Yes!
And Teddy, by the way, | great VaIid point.
SeIfIess-- I Iike | where your head's at.
- Thank you, sir. | - He made a vaIid point.
I'm just saying. | The fact of the matter is
there are probabIy | tons-- tons
of smoking hot miIfs
waiting for some young | guiIt-free kieIbasa.
AII you haVe to do is make the connection, | pimp this shit out
and it's done. It's a fuckin' wrap-- | bills on you.
You want to lay in bills? | You want to take a bath in biIIs?
Okay, couId you pIease stop Iistening | in on our fucking conversation?
l'm sorry. | It just sounds awesome.
I mean, if you ever | need any heIp...
Yeah yeah, sure. | We'II giVe you a fuckin' caII.
Just stop Iooking at me.
So...
Hey, do you think | we can carve out
a IittIe bit to do | a schoIarship for a kid
who's having some | financiaI probIems?
- What? | - WeII, you said we had a IittIe extra.
WeII, not entireIy extra.
It's for Sam LoweII.
We're a boarding schooI, | not a commune.
I think we shouId concentrate | on the kids that are aIready here
as opposed to some charity case | you might want to bring in.
Bruce, this is not | a charity case.
AII right? | This is a good kid.
I mean, what do you think | we do here as teachers?
We're here to inspire.
WeII, I'm aII for inspiring,
but we're in a recession.
- I know that. | - I can't eVen get enough money
for new band instruments.
Coach Jackson wants new turf | for his Iacrosse fieId.
I'd Iike a IittIe money | for my Women's Lib program.
What do they need | to know about women?
You teII the good-Iooking | ones they're smart
and you teII the smart ones | they're good-Iooking.
Look, I'm trying to have | a decent conversation--
This is a conversation. | You're not listening.
- Sir? | - What is it, Cy, what?!
Sam LoweII is back | on campus.
He says he can pay | for his tuition.
HeIIo?
- She answer it? | - l don't-- hello?
Is that my mom?
AIi, it's Sam.
- Sam? | - No, it's for your mom.
- It's Sam. | - Hey.
- Hey, who was that? | - Uh, it's...
- just a friend. | - Your mom's a cougar.
So I'm gIad you caIIed.
Yeah, me too.
Look, anyway, I was | just thinking about
how great | Iast weekend was.
And I was wondering if maybe | you weren't busy this weekend,
- we couId... | - Do it again?
- Yeah. | - I thought you had to IeaVe schooI.
No, l do. | WeII, I did.
Anyway, that's kind of | what I wanted to taIk to you about.
I don't know if this | sounds weird or anything,
but l was wondering | if maybe this weekend
you couId bring | some of your friends...
Sit your ass down.
...and I couId bring | some of my friends.
And then some of your friends | couId give some of my friends,
uh, some Ietters too,
you know, to help | for my education fund?
- Oh. | - Or not.
I mean, it's totaIIy fine.
It was just an idea. | Just a stupid--
It's not a stupid idea.
Ask him if he has any friends.
- They told-- | - Are you positiVe he's here?
- I'm dead positiVe. | - In here?
Yes-- I mean, 95% positiVe.
- HeIIo? | - Sam?
Sam?
- Sam? | - What?
Hold on. | He asked me.
- AIison? | - TeII him yes.
- l don't know. | - What do you mean you don't know?
What's your fuckin' probIem?
AIison?
Boys?
- Dan-o. | - Sir.
Um, sir,
if I may,
l think that we might | haVe found a soIution
to Sam's IittIe | economic issue.
A soIution?
Uh, yeah. A job.
A job?
A job that pays | $20,000 a semester?
What is it? | Ponzi scheme?
- Nah, man. | - WeII, sir,
my dad has some work | we can do for his company.
And see, it's a tax | sheIter kind of thing.
- Tax sheIter. | - Tax sheIter.
Yeah, Iike a 501(c), sir.
- Is this a fuckin' joke? | - Sir?
Um... we, uh--
Sam has a down payment.
I can see it.
Okay.
Are you boys seIIing drugs?
AII right. | l'll bite.
WeIcome back, Sam.
WhateVer you're doing,
keep it cIean.
Yeah.
They're young boys, | pick of the litter,
and they're a heII of a Iot cheaper | than a pair of Louis Vuittons.
Which pair? Wait, | what are you taIking about?
Judy, quit it. | We're not doing this.
- WiII you stop? | - Doing what?
Why do you two | aIways excIude me?
lt's 'cause | I'm younger, isn't it?
You just don't think | l understand--
- Enough. | - Whoa.
- What? | - Testy. Shit.
For your information,
AIison here is | acting aII bitchy
because I want to set up | some paid pIaydates
with a few boys | from Moore.
- PIaydates? | - Yes.
- You mean for shagging? | - Mm-hmm, I think it's so cooI.
l think it sounds awful | and compIeteIy iIIegaI.
Yes, it is, Judy.
Stop being such | a fucking square, Mary.
Mary is not a square. | She's oId fashioned.
I'm sorry, | but marrying an agent
who's gonna heIp our IittIe Ginger here | with her career
and give her a life of arm candy | doesn't make her oId fashioned.
- It makes her a fucking moron. | - Oh my God, excuse me.
Okay, stop.
Mary, don't Iisten to her.
And you, | I'Ve made myseIf cIear.
l don't think | we shouId do this.
- What is the big deaI? You aIready did it. | - And look at you.
It wasn't Iike that.
- ReaIIy? | - No.
You gaVe him | a check though.
You gaVe him a check?
Mary, I IoVe you,
but we're much oIder than you | and there are certain things--
She is in just as shitty | a relationship as you.
Stop justifying this.
- We aII know your husband-- | - Fine! I fucked him.
I paid him.
But I was just trying | to help him out.
He's a decent kid | who was haVing a hard time.
So why don't you want | to heIp out your kid again?
What is the big deaI?
It was a mistake, Judy.
Oh, pIease. | It's a mistake?
Are you kidding me? It's a mistake now that we | want to have some fuckin' fun?
But with you it wasn't | a mistake, right?
Right. No.
- AIison. | - Mary.
I think it sounds | inVigorating.
You know what? | Let's just set it up for us.
And we'll find | some new girIs for Sam.
What?
I need this. | We need this.
- Come on. | - You know, I don't know about this.
Oh shut up, Mary. When was | the Iast time someone fucked you
- so hard you couIdn't waIk? | - Oh my God.
Jesus fucking Christ, Judy.
You know, now that | l think about it,
I think it sounds | really fun!
- Are they fit? | - Fit
and they are wiIIing.
lt's so true. | There is nothing sweeter
than a boy's worship | of the femaIe body.
Excuse me. | Who are you again?
Oh, this is Dominica, darIing.
- She's from South America. | - I met her at the PTA Iast week.
She's our new BFF.
By the way, you haVe | a beautiful home.
So what do you say?
Mmn.
Un minuto!
' Let's party tiII we die... '
No, FIeming, | it's not gonna work.
Hey, babe, I'm off out.
TeII 'em to put it on hoId.
What part of "no" | don't you get?
' FeeIin' so eIectric '
' FeeIin' so eIectric, | weIcome to my party '
' Night of the Iiving zombies '
' I'm rubbing on her body '
' We roIIing on a IoIIy '
' RoIIin' on a marIey '
' RoIIin', r-roIIin' '
' Let's party tiII we die, | Iet's party tiII we die '
' No need no reason why '
' Can't stop us, | Iet 'em try '
' Let's party tiII we die, | Iet's party tiII we die '
' Let's party tiII we die '
' Everyone is Vibing, | we fizzin' and we fuzzin' '
' Can't find nowhere in private, | so we do it in public. '
I think they want to meet.
Let's do it.
' Are you ready to rock? '
So, Judy, right?
Yeah.
So, Judy, what do you think?
- About what? | - Come on.
Let's cut the bullshit. | Let's get to what we came here for.
- Excuse me? | - Exactly.
- Sorry about my friend. | - It's okay.
Dude, change it!
I Iike your suit.
and I'm feeIing these sIippers.
- I'Ve got this too. | - Very nice.
- I think you're reaIIy handsome. | - l am?
Mmn. | Mary.
- Charles. | - What a IoveIy name.
- So's Mary. | - l know.
Thank you.
Wait, that's perfect! | Don't change it!
That's perfect. | Thank you.
Where is she? | AIi! AIi?
- What? | - AIi!
Wait, do you know | what this reminds me of?
- No. | - ' Reach out and touch-- '
- Come on, AIi. This is so awesome. | - Judy.
- What? | - Nothing.
- Nothing? | - Nothing.
Let me teII him. | It's a funny story.
AIison had a IittIe more | than "nothing"
with the Iead singer | of Depeche Mode
- in her moody earIy '20s! | - Do you eVer shut up?
No.
I was a totaI | rock 'n' roII bitch,
- but our-- | - Groupie.
Were we groupies? | Okay, we were groupies.
But our AIi here
was so into Mr. Gahan's | personaI penis!
Shut up, Judy. | You just need to reIax.
- He rocked, right? | - Relax.
You reIax. At Ieast you weren't a groupie | for INXS or something.
What the fuck is INXS?
Oh shit.
Oh, just drink up, stud. | Show me your room. I'm bored.
- Right now? | - Yes.
Come on. | Let's go.
- Bro, where are you going? | - I'm gonna show her my fucking room.
- Shit. You wanna go to my room? | - Okay.
Guys, we couId IeaVe you two aIone | if you Iike as weII.
Oh, can we now?
WeII, I mean, | if that's okay with you.
Yeah, aII right. | Why not?
HaVe fun, kids.
What does that mean?
- You're so good. | - I'm good? You're better.
I don't haVe this | at home, baby.
You don't have it at home? | You can take it home right in your pocket.
Great big nio eVerything!
Show me what you're working with!
You're such | a good kisser.
Thank you.
You're Very, um...
Excited?
- Stop squeezing my tits. | - Okay!
AII right, I'm sorry.
You're squeezing 'em.
- I'm not fucking squeezing 'em. | - Okay okay.
Oh, here we are.
Oh, fuck my pussy, yeah! | Yeah yeah!
Is that Depeche Mode?
Is that your "personaI Jesus"?
That's him.
My personaI penis.
' Hey yo, girI, | you Iook Iike a twister '
' The way your hips moVe | when you walk, sister '
' You wanna teII me what | I need to make you mine? '
' I wanna rock you | to the beat tonight tonight '
' AII the girIs on the street | Iike rocking to the beat '
' They Iike to taIk about the boys, | talk about the boys '
' All the girls on the street | Iike rocking to the beat... '
l haven't had to use | my Rabbit in weeks.
lt's true. | And they're eVen poIite.
Really? | Do they haVe more friends?
My boyfriend | just dumped me.
Mine too.
I thought you were married.
WhateVer.
' I wanna dance aII night | under the moonlight '
' Baby, won't you hoId me tight | one more time '
' I wanna hear | the beat bounce '
' Back and forth | against the disco waIIs. '
Hey, babe, | guess where we're going.
- Where? Hawaii? | - Minnesota.
FinaI fuckin' Four! | Right here, babe.
' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar, | we're all cougars '
' Men IoVe cougars, don't you | wanna bang a cougar too? '
- ' Bang a cougar ' | - ' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar '
' We're aII cougars, | men IoVe cougars '
- ' Don't you wanna bang a cougar too? ' | - ' Bang a cougar '
- ' At CougarLife.com ' | - ' Bang a cougar '
' Don't you wanna bang | a cougar too? '
CougarLife.com recentIy...
HoIy shit.
Chuck! Chuck!
Chuck, come in here. | Gotta check this out.
- What you Iooking at, man? | - Look, it's CougarLife.
It's a sociaI network for eIigibIe women | of a certain age.
Dude, it has everything. | Look at this, Iook at this.
Locations, | interests, cup size!
This is gonna be amazing. | It's gonna giVe us
a whole new clientele | for aII of our new recruits.
- What new recruits? | - Just watch and Iearn.
l don't know, Jimmy. | I don't think Sam's gonna Iike this.
Shut the fuck up.
We're joining.
I wiII not disappoint you, sirs.
I'm Patrick, by the way.
WeII, Patrick, prepare yourseIf | for a whole new lifestyle.
' Party peopIe | in the pIace to be '
' This is dirt | motherfuckin' nasty, baby '
' If you a bitch, put your motherfucking | hands up in the air '
' Like this, what? '
' AII the girIs in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna | giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' | hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, | can I get wit' you?
' All the girls | in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna | giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' | hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, | can I get wit' you? '
' Hey, girl, | can I sniff with you? '
' Hell yeah, | I wanna get with you '
' I IiVe out in MaIibu '
' 'Cause New York | is less liveable '
' Dirt nasty, | got your mama starin' '
' FIip-fIops | with the Donna Karan '
' Chop chop, | speakers bIaring '
' Fuck the worId, | I'm an American '
' Don't make it | difficuIt '
' My dick is bibIicaI '
' If I wanted | to hit it, girI '
' I'd whip it out | in the IiVing room '
' This shit | got the haters rockin'... '
Are you-- | are you recording this?
What-- is that a probIem?
' l get Lil' Wayne | to spit on my aIbum '
' AII the girIs | in the cIub tonight... '
Ride it harder!
Come on, doggie.
Ooh!
- TeII me that you Iove me. | - I IoVe you.
- Say it Iike you mean it. | - I IoVe you!
Oh God, this is way better | than internet porn!
Ooh, you got me a present.
What you got in that bag? | Let me see what you got.
Turn around | and puII down your pants.
What the fuck you mean, | turn around
- and puII down my pants? I ain't-- | - Now!
- Sam? | - Courtney.
- Hey. | - Hey.
- Hey. Don't forget IittIe oI' me. | - Hi, Angie.
- And this is Todd. | - Tom.
- Whatever. | - We met on Facebook.
- CooI, man. | - I'm the third wheeI.
- Sounds Iike fun. | - Boatloads.
- I can hear you guys. | - We know.
So how 'bout you? | What are you doing behind a Iiquor store
- at 10 PM? | - Nothing.
Really? | He's wearing a suit in an aIIey.
Yes, and I can expIain.
Here you go. Four bottles | pIus one AIiz and one white.
Thank you.
- Where were we? | - You were Iying.
- I knew he was Iying. | - Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
AII right, fine. | Fine.
- Todd, Iet's go hook up in the car. | - It's Tom.
That's what you do | on a date.
- So where is your car? | - Wow.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm a bitchmagnet.
Must be in the DNA | or something.
Yeah.
By the way, | sorry about before.
Well, not right before, | because you are Iying
and I am going to get | to the bottom of that.
The before where we were supposed | to hang and l didn't show.
That before.
- I bet you thought I fIaked. | - No, you know, I just--
- I figured-- | - WeII, the thing is my mom--
she's, uh-- | she's been having issues
and I'Ve been having | to deal with them.
Dad thinks it's oVer, which means me | and my aggro older brother
haVe to take care | of Mommy dearest for now.
- Jesus. | - Yeah.
What can I say?
She's a nightmare.
But so are a Iot of women | like that in this town.
I mean, you wouId be surprised | on what goes on behind cIosed doors.
So what did you say | you were doing again?
Are you-- are you okay?
Yeah, I think I just broke | a champagne bottIe.
Whoa, you having | a party or something?
Yeah. No.
Which one is it? | Yes or no?
Yes and no.
- Gotcha. | - Shit. Wait.
Look, hang on, | hang on, hang on.
Wait wait wait wait. | Look...
It's not Iike that. | My buddy Chuck, his mom's sick.
We're just gonna hang out, | cheer him up, taIk shit.
- Drink champagne? | - Yeah.
- You're Iying again, aren't you? | - Yes.
What are you reaIIy doing?
Nothing, okay? | I promise it's nothing.
Ow! Is that a retainer?
Fine. You wanna grab breakfast | with me tomorrow or something?
I just asked you out.
- ls that weird? | - No no no, that's not weird.
That's great.
It's amazing.
- So breakfast. | - Yeah, I'm not promising anything.
Just waffIes.
Oh, and no Angie. | That's... yeah.
Oh, if there's no Angie, | then yeah. Hell yeah.
So 10:00 AM | Med's coffee shop on Third?
- Great. | - It's a date.
- WeII, I mean, it's-- | - I can't wait.
WeII, | you gotta go, right?
So...
Yeah.
- Okay. | - Okay.
See you at 10:00.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Yeah?
lt happens | to everybody.
So maybe | you're just drunk.
No, l didn't | drink that much.
Well then, maybe | you shouId drink.
No, I shouId not drink.
I got to-- I got | to teII you something.
Okay.
I met somebody.
Oh.
I met somebody. I haven't done | anything with her or anything.
We haVen't eVen | gone out on a date.
I'm not eVen reaIIy sure | what's gonna happen with it.
It's just kinda got me thinking | a little bit, you know?
Yeah.
Got you thinking, huh?
But, I mean, | if you wanna just
wait a minute-- | a coupIe minutes or whateVer,
I'm sure I couId...
No, 'cause I know how much | this means to you.
- Excuse me? | - Shit.
No, wait. | Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on. | Look, that did not come out right.
Okay? I said that | compIeteIy wrong.
Look, I can't do this Iike this.
I...
It's okay.
' I was 21 years | when I wrote this song... '
' I'm 22 now... '
You know what? | I'Ve got to take care of my famiIy.
Where's my coat?
Come on. | Just-- can you--
can you wait? | PIease? Just wait.
Just... wait.
Good night.
Bye.
' Once my heart | was fiIIed '
' With the IoVe | of a girl '
' I heId her cIose '
' But she faded | in the night... '
Yo!
Sam?
- Hey. | - What are you doing, man?
- Yeah, just-- | - Oh, you're writing?
- Yeah. | - Jesus Christ. In a pIace of worship.
Sam Lowell, l never | thought I'd see the day.
That makes two | of us, brother.
Oh hey, l got | your check Iast week.
- Oh you did? Good. | - Yeah yeah.
- So work good? | - Yeah, work's-- you know, it's work,
- But it's good. | - Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you want to grab | something to eat?
I think the Iast shuttIe's | pretty crammed.
I'II take you whereVer | you want to go
and you can teII me aII about how | they screwed up The ViIIage.
- Sounds good, man, but I got-- | - I got, uh...
- I got, uh... | - Work.
You're working now?
Not Iike-- | weII, not Iike this work,
but I do haVe, Iike, work work | in a little bit.
Chuck's dad needs me | to drive around
some of his | business associates
acting as, Iike, a VaIet. I don't reaIIy know | what the hell that means.
But I think I'Ve got | to wear a tux.
Tux. Fuck.
Sorry.
AII right. | WeII, maybe another time.
You know what? I'd Iike to haVe you oVer | to the house for dinner sometime,
introduce you to my famiIy.
Yeah, man, | I'd IoVe to meet your famiIy.
ReaIIy?
- Yeah. | - AII right.
WeII, you haVe | a fun time at work.
Shut off the Iight | when you're done.
- Yeah. | - There's a switch right oVer here.
Okay.
Oh man.
Mmn, so what do you think of him?
Strong hands, nice Iips--
I definiteIy approVe.
- What, baIIoon boy? | - Mm-hmm.
Are you compIeteIy off your rocker? | He's a child.
And what the fuck | is Chuck?
Cock don't haVe an age, Mary.
It's true.
You know what? | Fuck this.
I'm getting a diVorce and marrying | someone my own age.
WeII, that's | a IittIe oVerdramatic.
Right?
What the hell her | fuckin' probIem is.
So seriousIy, how much | do you think he'd cost?
l think you can | get him for fiVe.
Fuck yeah.
That's just a charity case.
Look at AIi.
That bitch.
She's gonna fuck him | and not eVen teII us.
AIi! | Whoo!
OVer here, girIfriend!
AIi!
- Girls. | - Ooh, aren't you yummy?
- I'm Judy. | - Jesus.
What? | He's cute.
So where've you been?
I've missed you.
Sorry. I've just been | reaIIy busy with RiIey.
ReaIIy? You'Ve been busy | with a fuckin' three-year-oId?
Gimme a break. | It's fuckin' buIIshit.
- Excuse-- | - Nothing. You're busy. You're busy. Sorry.
You're busy with Riley. | You're busy with this baIIoon boy.
Jude, Jude, what the heII | are you taIking?
What are you | taIking about?
Look at you. You're trashed | at my son's birthday party.
So what? | I'm haVing a good time.
No, you're here to scope out | teenagers for your weekIy hoteI party.
Oh yeah? WeII, it's not | at a hoteI anymore, babe.
- What? | - They moVed it.
For your informa-ti-on, | they got a rentaI.
Oh and Mary here's getting | a divorce, by the way.
Judy! | Fuck's sake!
NiceIy done.
Enjoy the cake.
Fuckin' party pooper.
Sam!
Oh shit. | What do I do?
Just reIax.
Sam, over here.
Don't be a fucking rat.
He's not | a fucking rat, bro.
Sam.
What's up, man?
Take a waIk with me.
- Hop on. | - Excuse me?
I need to taIk to you | about something.
- You do? | - Yes.
I do.
Right. | WeII, here's the thing:
see, I'm supposed to go | into town with my buddies
and I'Ve neVer reaIIy been | on a motorcycIe before, so...
Just jump on | the goddamn bike.
So what'd you want | to taIk to me about?
Quit yourjob.
- What? | - Quit yourjob!
Look, Dan, before we | go any further, man,
l think l should | expIain something!
I got a schoIarship for you.
What?!
I got a schoIarship for ya!
I toId Bruce, "Fuck you,"
toId the board, "Fuck you.
I'm the boss.
GiVe this kid a schoIarship.
He deserves it." | Then they did it!
So you can quit yourjob,
go back to studying now.
Thank you!
I thought I was in troubIe!
Nah nah.
I was just fuckin' with you.
Are you in troubIe?
Uniforms. Put 'em on.
There's a bathroom. | You can use it if you want to to change,
but remember reaI women | like the fantasy of youth.
White is Iike heaven.
ReaI women Iike heaven.
And boys?
You're about to be deaIing | with some real women.
Jimmy, what the fuck?
Shit. Hey.
- Sorry I started without you. | - What are you--
Everyone, say hello | to your founding father Sam.
CIap.
- We got to talk. | - TaIk amongst yourseIf for a second.
- We got to shut this down. | - What?
You fucking ratted on us, | didn't you?
He doesn't know anything. | Back off.
Thank God.
Guys, we got to quit | whiIe we're ahead here.
- Why? | - Because he took me out
and he toId me that he was | gonna pay for my tuition, that's why.
Fucking Dan Fox?
Dan. | Look, man, he's a cooI guy.
- I don't want to betray his trust anymore. | - Mm-hmm.
- It's the right fucking thing to do, Jimmy. | - I agree.
This whoIe thing | is just subVersiVe.
At first I thought | Mary IoVed me.
Then I found out | she just wanted me for my body.
Yeah, and Iast week, | Dominica used a diIdo
on me, bro.
So what?!
Who gives a shit? | Open up your eyes, brothers.
This IittIe thing that we started
has turned into something bigger | than we could ever imagine.
Sam, this is | a cash cow business here.
lf we keep this up, | we can start franchising soon.
- Franchising? | - Patrick's got a guy in Connecticut--
his dad owns | Iike a chain of hoteIs.
- What are you-- Patrick? | - I thought you hated that guy, Jimmy.
When opportunity knocks,
- you got to take it. | - Okay, stop.
This is our chance to go | big leagues with it.
James, come on, man.
It'II be fine. | Let's just put this puppy to sIeep.
Fine, but guys, for me, | please.
We can end it. | Just giVe me tonight, okay?
I mean, Sam, | there's peopIe at the door.
We can't cancel. The recruits | are aII dressed up and excited.
Teddy, what do you say? | You'Ve known me the Iongest.
What do you say? | One more night, one more party,
aII of us together.
Fuck the girls, | fuck the buIIshit.
PIease.
Let's ceIebrate, huh?
- Fine fine. | - Yeah.
Okay, but look, | I'm serious, man.
- There's no more Iying. | - No more lying.
After tonight. | One more night of Iying.
Bring it in.
- Sam? | - Courtney?
Oh shit.
- What are you doing here? | - I was just waIking my dog
and I thought I saw | my mom come up here.
Your mom? | No, that's impossibIe.
Um, do you IiVe around here?
Uh, yeah. | Like a bIock away.
No shit.
So what are you | doing here?
Um, Chuck's parents | are in town
and they're doing a IittIe bingo | for cancer thing. Just heIping out.
Aw, cooI.
Wait, what are you-- | what are you doing?
I'II heIp.
What do you mean | you'll help?
WeII, I'm done with homework. | You're here.
I'm here. | I'II heIp.
You know what? | How about this?
lf you don't have | anything eIse to do--
they don't really | need me in there--
why don't we just | go back to your pIace?
- Yeah? | - Yeah.
I mean, as much as I Iove | just hooking up
in the back of your Prius...
You know, we've been dating | a IittIe over a month
and I've never | seen your pIace.
What do you say?
Oh no.
Huh? What?
Headmaster Fox is your dad?
Oh shit. | You didn't know?
- I thought everyone knew. | - Nah, I'm new.
Oh, that's right.
WeII, that's my dad
and that's | my train wreck of a mother.
Congratulations | on your ignorance.
Now you get to do | the dean's daughter.
Wait, hang on.
Come on. | Shawn?
My brother?
Yup.
I hear he's a totaI dick | at school.
Yeah, you couId say that.
So now that we're done | with the geneaIogy,
what do you think | of my new bra?
Sexy? I got matching | panties too.
- Wait wait wait. Wait a second. | - Why?
Don't worry. | My dad's working Iate at your schooI
and you did say | you want to maximize
the space in my room | Versus my hybrid toaster.
So Iet's maximize...
l gotta kinda | teII you something.
- You're a virgin? | - No.
Oh, great. | Neither am I.
I'm reaIIy horny | and my bed is reaIIy comfy
and we've waited a month | so speak now or forever hoId your piece.
What is it?
Doesn't matter anymore.
' I feII in Iove with a girI '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade. '
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
Good morning, Sam.
This is the girI | sans straitjacket?
DanieI.
Oh, this is perfect.
- You know each other? | - What is going on?
I found your mother | at a high schooI party down the street
- with a 17-year-oId boy. | - 18.
CIassy.
- I shouId probabIy go. | - No no no.
Why don't you stay, | will you?
Look, Dan, man--
Sam, man.
So, Sam,
you have anything | to do with this?
Huh?!
'Cause Judy's date | was your IittIe dick friend Jimmy.
- Oh yeah? | - Uh-huh.
Dad.
- Yeah, baby? | - He was with me Iast night...
as you can see.
WeII,
it seems Iike
everybody was getting Iaid | last night and l got fucked.
So...
- you wanna get some breakfast? | - No thank you, sir.
- Dan. | - No thanks, man. I'm good.
Judy, I'd Iike to pick up | on that conversation we were having
over eggs and bacon.
Fuck you.
Or not.
AII right.
Why don't you two | Iovebirds work it out?
Now taIk amongst | yourselves.
What were you doing | at that house Iast night?
- Uh... | - I need to know.
I don't know.
You reaIIy think you can | I-don't-know your way
out of my famiIy drama?
- WeII? | - What? It's not what you think, okay?
What do I think, Sam?
I don't know what you think. | l don't know.
- Shit. I'm sorry. | - Just leave.
You okay?
Now, pIease.
- Courtney, Iook-- | - Get out!
We're done.
Dream's over, bro.
I'm sorry, man. | I reaIIy fucked this one up.
Nah, we aII fucked up.
Just a IittIe Iouder.
Hey.
Do me a favor. | If you see Courtney,
teII her to say hi | to Judy for me.
You're such | an asshoIe, Jimmy.
l'm sorry l have | feeIings, buttdick.
- Sam. | - AIison, hi.
I bet you think | that's my husband, don't you?
I don't know.
He's a friend-- | someone--
my subcontractor.
Oh, that's | the subcontractor.
Okay.
So, hey, | where you heading?
Ah...
I don't know.
' Think I'II go Iive | by the beach '
' Or in the mountains | through the frozen reach '
' Or in the city where nothing's | moving sIow... '
' OnIy time that | I'm feeIing right '
- ' I'm singing through the burning Iight ' | - lt's gonna be okay.
Don't-- my hair.
I Iove your hair.
' Never cared | what anybody thought '
' I do whatever | l want... '
- I can expIain. | - What's there to expIain?
You broke | my sister's heart.
You stoIe my dad from me!
You fuck!
' Gonna give 'em | something to say '
' Yeah, gonna | give 'em something '
' You know I'm gonna | give 'em something '
' Damn right, I'm gonna | give 'em something to say. '
- Hey. | - Hey.
Is that a bIack eye?
Yeah.
Um, look, here's-- | here's-- here's the thing:
My friends are gone,
um...
your daughter | won't taIk to me
and I can bareIy Iook you | in the eyes anymore.
l can't concentrate in class. | I can't concentrate outside of cIass.
Your son just...
came and kicked | the ever-Iiving shit out of me
and I can't write anymore.
So I'm just going to taIk | for a minute.
And you can just shut me up | whenever you feeI Iike, okay?
Go ahead, go ahead.
All right, | so my friends...
you know, the ones who were | pooIing aII their money together
to pay for my tuition--
um...
that money that we | puIIed together was dirty.
AII right.
So what I'm basicaIIy | trying to tell you
is that we started | an escort service
that catered to your wife | and all of her friends.
And I swear to God | l had no idea
that it was your--
that it was your wife. | And her friends
were aII just fuckin'--
once this whoIe thing | started, man,
I couIdn't stop it. | I reaIIy reaIIy--
it was going | just reaIIy weII
and then you came | and you told me
that you got the schooI | to pay for my-- my tuition
and I feIt awfuI.
I just feIt fuckin' awfuI.
And I wanted to teII you about it, | but l couldn't.
I didn't teII you about it,
so then I went to the rentaI house | where we wouId,
you know, do everything | and l tried to stop it.
But I didn't stop it there because I figured, | "What the fuck?
One night. One night. | One more time.
Let's have one more time. | We'II go one more time."
But it's not gonna be | one more time.
Even if you hadn't caught us, | it wasn't gonna be one more time.
And the onIy reason | you didn't catch me
was 'cause I was out | alone with your--
I was at your house-- | your house!
--with your | fuckin' daughter.
Post script: I had no idea | it was your daughter,
but...
I tried to come cIean | with her.
And...
l don't know, man. | I'm just reaIIy fuckin' Iost.
And l know | that you're probabIy
just super pissed
and you don't care,
but...
Are you roIIing a joint?
I'm Iistening.
You're not even mad?
Kinda.
Nah, not reaIIy.
No.
Come on, man. | I knew what was going on.
- You did? | - Huh?
- You did? | - WeII, of course I did.
Find all your buddies | with a bunch of oIder women?
And magicaI cash?
l mean, l'm stupid, | but I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
And you know what? | You said it.
You didn't fuck my wife.
You didn't know Courtney | was my daughter.
And you did what you needed | to do to stay here.
- So now what? | - Now what what?
You gonna kick me | out of school?
Nah. | Your friends?
They took the heat for you.
Anyway, you know what?
You'Ve been kicked out | of too many schooIs.
So l told | the new headmaster that--
Whoa, hang on. What do you mean | new headmaster?
Oh yeah.
I resigned this morning.
The new headmaster | is English.
I hear he wears bow ties.
So,
if you do stay here,
your schoIarship is safe.
Look, man, | thank you, but...
I have absoIuteIy | no interest
in staying here,
I mean without you | or my friends, so...
I figured as much.
You know what? | You're gonna be aII right.
- l don't know about that. | - No, you're gonna be aII right.
I know.
ReaIIy.
So what are you gonna do | about your family?
WeII...
that famiIy-- | my famiIy's had probIems
for a long time | way before you came.
And Judy and I, weII,
we were done years ago.
Shawn.
He's a troubIed kid.
I feeI responsibIe | for aII that troubIe he has.
But that's the gift | a father giVes a son--
resentment and scorn.
He'II be aII right.
He'II come around | like when he's 29.
And that IittIe girI of mine?
l don't worry | about her one bit.
She has got it aII, man.
Got it aII, that girI.
- So what about you? | - Me?
WeII, me--
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
SeriousIy.
You think l'm too old | to go back on the road?
Nah. | Just wrap it up.
Oh, I'm gonna | doubIe-bag it.
Oh yeah. I ain't | making that mistake again.
Hey, do a bro | a soIid, wiII you?
Yeah, man.
You take JetBlue | out of Ontario home tonight?
Okay.
Good.
AII right.
Remember...
heroes aren't born,
they're cornered.
- Bukowski? | - Mickey Rooney.
Come on, | get out of here.
Oh.
That's good.
Oh, I pIay so good | when l'm high.
' Everything's gonna be aII right '
' Everything's | gonna be aII right '
' Everything's gonna | be aII right now '
' Everything's gonna | be aII right, oh-oh. '
Excuse me. Sorry, man.
Hi.
- Hey, you need some heIp? | - Sam?
Worst opening Iine eVer.
So what are you doing | taking my fIight home?
Your fIight, huh?
WeII, if you must know, | l'm going to be living
with my dad's parents | in The ViIIage
for the Iast year | and a haIf of high schooI.
I hear they're eccentric | artists, so that's cooI.
That's cooI.
You reaIIy don't haVe | to heIp me with that. It's fine.
Look, yes I do.
By the way, how the heII do you pIan | on getting aII these bags past security?
- I'm crafty. | - Crafty?
lf you'd like to ensure | safe passage of your bags,
then maybe you shouId | Iet me take one.
We can just say | we're together.
Okay.
lt's cool. | It's my bag.
Yeah, maybe, you know.
Okay.
- Okay. | - Maybe's okay.
Thanks.
- So... | - So...
What's your | reaI story, SamueI?
Got fiVe hours to kiII?
' As I swim to shore | through these raging seas '
' I don't know how, | but I know I'm free '
' There's a IittIe road | I used to waIk '
' It's about the same, | the same as it was '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II thank you... '
' And there's a IittIe bird | singing in my tree '
' I don't know what he's saying '
' But I know he's free '
' Sometimes we faII fast asIeep '
' And other times we awake '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't haVe much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't haVe much to say '
' But I'II thank you '
' Good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't have much to say '
' I don't have much to say. '
' There's a Iist | of forgotten things '
' Tracing back to | an Indonesian restaurant '
' And outside on the patio '
' There's a man | named Horatio '
' He makes his Iiving | selling dreams '
' He caIIs them fantasies '
' Gimme some more '
' Some more of your IoVe! '
I run...
a successfuI
underground escort service.
I recruit from a rec room
on the third fIoor of my dorm
where l pimp the kids | from my boarding schooI.
ln fact, l have two | of my boys right here.
And they are | just one tabIe away
from one of my tricks.
Now I know you'Ve probabIy | got about 20 questions
right on the tip | of your tongue.
WeII, if you must know,
then Iet us begin.
Sam!
Over here.
Sam, you have been kicked out
of a couple of Very prominent
boarding schooIs in this country.
- Okay, yes, but about that-- | - Stop.
I read your transcripts. | You'Ve got a 3.87
three years and running.
You've got some kick-ass | writing sampIes to boot.
You aIso cIearIy have | a probIem with authority.
And it just | makes my mind wonder,
"What exactly | am I in for here, Sam?"
Okay, noted.
But here is the thing:
I wasn't exactly kicked out | of all my schools per se.
I am somebody that you would | consider a victim of, um...
- Circumstances? | - Circumstances, yes.
And you know what? | Most peopIe don't believe it,
but...
I've journaIed about it, man. | You can read it if you want.
Just give me the CIiff Notes. | Summarize, Sam.
' Donkey see, donkey do '
' I don't wanna go to school '
' Hey baby bIue, put your feet | on the ground '
' Feet on the ground '
' Let your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, | forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave | not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, | I don't wanna go to schooI '
' Danke, try to make my day, | l don't wanna participate '
' Yeah '
' Hey baby bIue, | put your feet on the ground '
' Feet on the ground, | Iet your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, | forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave | not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, | I don't wanna go to schooI. '
- Mom. | - Sam?
That's tough.
Nah, you know, it's just kinda...
par for the course | when your mom's an ex-PIaymate.
WeII put.
I know your mom.
Hmm? | ReaIIy?
You know, Sam, | she's a nice Iady.
Batshit crazy, | but she's a good chick.
So is that you?
That, my friend, | was the EIiminator tour.
Eight years of more pussy | than any one man couId ever handIe...
which, by the way, | is why you shouId wear a rubber.
Or you'II find yourseIf | knocking up the wrong groupie
and trading in your dream
of a harmonica soIo | with Billy Gibbons
to become the headmaster | of a private academy.
But...
I Iove my daughter.
She taught me | how to respect women.
Or some shit like that. | You ready for the $5 tour?
This is our history department. | lan, get off that cell phone.
Oh good. | 'Cause I'm a history nut.
I'm a reaIIy big fan | of the French RevoIution,
especiaIIy NapoIeon. | l love Napoleons.
They're very tasty. | Have you ever had one?
So you're a writer and a dick?
I'd be carefuI of your roomie here.
I hear he's a bit of a strange bird,
Iikes to whip out the fifi bag
when the Iights go down.
What is a fifi bag?
Bukowski term.
What is a Bukowski?
A Bukowski?
WeII, it's not a Rusty Trombone
or a Gorilla Mask. | A Bukowski is a writer.
A poet?
Come on. | "Notes from a Dirty OId Man"?
"Ham on Rye"? | "Post Office"?
Hm-mm.
WeII,
it's good you're continuing your education. | You came to the right pIace.
You keep your GPA up,
no swearing within earshot,
and stay out of troubIe,
so I can keep you
from getting your ass | kicked out this go around.
Capisce?
Yeah, of course.
PIus, how much mayhem | could l possibly cause
in a school that's got | tea cozies on the waII?
' Eff that, | take the radio back '
' l'm coming | with that stadium rap '
' I got the stadium packed '
' From the front to the back, | make the stadium clap '
' Let's keep it moving, | I see you workin' '
' FIy girIs, freaks | and the virgins '
' Take the radio back '
' Chris Young coming | with that stadium rap '
' HeIIo, C Young | with the stadium raps '
' She ain't a Kimora Simmons, | but the baby is phat! '
' And l keep | my cranium packed '
' With more Uranium than | they didn't have in lraq. '
Hey!
Knock it off.
Look, I can expIain.
- You know what? Sir, I can expIain. | - Shawn and his friends
- tried to smoke us again. | - lt wasn't his fault.
- You caIIed me Snoop, racist. | - That's a Iie.
You said degrading stuff | about my stature, dipshit--
- l mean, Shawn. | - Sir, it's true. He started it.
- Shawn. | - What?
Come on. You're not actuaIIy gonna | buy this side of the story, are you?
You're teasing and fighting | with the new kid aIready?
And you wonder why | you're a fifth-year senior.
- Dan-- | - Sir!
Sir.
He waIked in, we were hanging out, | he punched me in the face.
BIame is the first sign | of weakness.
Now apoIogize.
- Fuck that. | - Fuck that?!
Headmaster? | Language? Demerits?
Does any of that ring | a goddamn beII to you?
This is buIIshit.
Tuck in that damn shirt
and be in my office | in 10 minutes.
Come here.
WeII, you do haVe a string | of bad luck, don't you?
- That's the worst kid I got. | - I toId you.
Yeah?
WeII, why don't we try | to change that now?
That's a good idea.
Go make some new friends.
Now.
Sam. | Sam, thank you so much.
You are our savior. | I'm not gonna Iie to you.
That guy's such a douche. | He does that aII the time.
We shouId hang out sometime.
By the way, l'm Jimmy. | This is Chuck. This is Teddy.
Where are you from? I'm having | a hard time, but I'm thinking it's Manhattan.
I'm getting this tri-state area | kind of thing. New York?
Yeah, it's New York | with that handshake that you're doing.
Okay, caIm down. | Look, it's good to meet you guys
and I reaIIy appreciate | the camaraderie
in front of the headmaster | back there, but I gotta...
- Oh. | - Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. | For sure. No worries.
Um, thank you.
And just in case | you want to know--
Iike when you reaIize that this pIace | is a complete shithole--
we'II be waiting. | We'II be here.
- Right here, bro. | - CooI.
- If you need a friend... | - Sounds good.
Thank you.
' lt's just another story | with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' lt's only good if they | make you think it's bad '
' And I make my day | with the jagged IittIe Iines of fear '
' TiII I find out I got nothing near '
' Out at the seaside stomp '
' lt's just another story | with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' It's onIy good | if they make you think it's bad. '
Okay okay, | first of aII, first of aII--
don't hog it | 'cause I bought that.
And of course.
Ooh-hoo.
WeII weII weII.
Look who it is.
It's actuaIIy surprising. | I thought it wouId take Ionger.
You want to partake in some | recreationaI substance abuse?
I got some Scotch-- | single malt.
- Go for it, bro. | - That's good, actuaIIy.
So stoned.
You guys are aII right.
- No no no no. | - Shh.
Oh yeah, be quiet,
'cause Jesus Christ absoIution | is just mere steps away.
Oh, but seriousIy.
I beat off to your mom.
What? | What?
Don't act Iike you're surprised. | You know me.
It's no offense, | no offense.
No offense. Just if you're gonna | be friends with us,
you shouId know.
- Multiple times. | - AII right, come on, dude.
- She's fuckin' gorgeous. | - lt's fine. lt's fine.
lt's fine. | It's my cross to bear.
Look, to eVen the keeI, | if it makes you feeI any better,
my dad's partner | was Bernie Madoff.
- Ouch. | - And my mom's a freak.
My dad, he's an ex-baIIer.
Says l cramp his | any-given-Sunday IifestyIe.
Yeah, and I'm Asian.
He is. You shouId see this guy | drift in a Honda Civic.
Dick.
So what's there | to do around here?
So this is Main Street, huh?
Yup. | Open weekend--
the finaI frontier.
I fuckin' Iove | the weekends, bro.
I IoVe the girIs.
Go taIk to them.
What do you mean?
What do you mean | what do l mean?
We'Ve been waIking | up and down this street.
You've seen | the same girIs aII day.
Go up, say hi. | Go taIk to them.
Sam, if you haven't noticed, | we're not that cool.
Oh, come on, Chuck.
Except for Jimmy. He's got aII the bitches | on lock, ain't that right, Hef?
- God damn, man. | - Fuck both of you. I'm pIotting, asshoIes.
You know that's how I do-- | why wouId you-- such a dick.
You know what? You guys | hoId that thought. I'II be right back.
- Where you goin', man? | - I'm gonna go taIk to that girI.
I probabIy shouId have | wingmanned that one, huh?
Hi.
l'm sorry. | Do we know you?
- Um... | - This is the eye-fucker from Moore.
Oh my God, | you're the eye-fucker?
I guess I am | the eye-fucker
and l've been | compIeteIy caIIed out.
So congratuIations.
WeII, thank you, | thank you.
So now that we've got the | pIeasantries out of the way,
do you care to sit down | and join us for a Iatte?
- Yeah. | - Great.
- I'm Courtney. | - Hi.
And this is Angie. | And you are...?
Uh, Sam.
- WeII, nice to meet you, Sam. | - What up?
Hi.
WeII, what are you doing
on this gIorious sunny day, | young Samuel?
l'm just kind of | hanging out with my friends.
Oh, you have friends.
WeII, that's noveI.
AII my friends are dead | if you were wondering.
WeII, except for her,
but she's not reaIIy a friend | so I guess that doesn't count.
- Thanks, bitch. | - l love you.
- I IoVe you too. | - Make-out session Iater?
- What's so funny? | - You. You're funny.
He's charming.
God knows I'm trying.
HoId that thought.
HeIIo.
Yeah.
Okay.
Wow.
Fine. Fine.
Okay, bye.
- We got to jam. | - 10-4.
What do you mean? | Why you going so soon?
We're just-- just starting to | haVe so much fun.
It's my mom-- she's crazy and she spit | in a bartender's face now.
- So we got to go pick her up. | - Sweet.
Crazy bitch. Sounds Iike my mom. | They shouId probabIy carpooI.
That's-- he's funny.
You're cute too.
AII right. I'm thoroughIy bored | with this now.
I'm gonna get some | motherfuckin' fudge.
- Do you want any? | - I'm-- I'm good on the motherfuckin' fudge,
- but thanks, girI. | - Bye.
Nice girI.
So, uh, same time, | same pIace next weekend?
Yeah.
- Phone, please. | - I'm sorry. What?
So I can put my number in it | so we can make plans.
Do you haVe Asperger's | or something?
l don't know | what's wrong with you.
WeII, I just don't think | we're at the swapping--
swapping digits phase yet. | It's aII moving a IittIe fast for me.
Oh, l see. | It's so fast.
WeII then, no number for you. | WeII done, prince charming.
- Good job. | - Yo, tampon,
we got to go pick up | your aIkie mother.
Wait two seconds. | Jesus, Angie.
Hi. Sorry. | Here here.
- You sure? | - Yeah.
- Bye. | - Bye.
Nice fucking work, dude.
- WiII you be my mentor? | - That'll be nice.
- That was amazing. | - Okay, Iet's not jump on him aII at once.
Let's have some coffee | Iike some ciViIized peopIe.
- You don't even drink coffee. | - 'Cause it tastes like shit.
"And so l return | to the question at hand.
Do we resign ourseIves | to the sad truth
that our existence is pureIy | an exercise in human foIIy?
Or do we embrace every moment | of that existence
and forget about what it might | amount to one day?"
Now we all know | what Camus thinks--
It's fucking "Cammuss." | Crazy, right?
- It's Camus, you idiot. | - lt is?
Do you guys eVer read?
Sam?
- Hey. | - Hey.
Uh, uh, sit down.
Uh, yeah. | In a second.
l've got to tell you | something, though.
I, um...
met a girI.
And one that's not | in a straitjacket,
which is a pretty big | improvement for me.
- Sam. | - And then
I'm actuaIIy pretty sure | I compIeteIy aced
my Iiterature presentation
thanks to your | recommended reading.
- I'm going out on the streets with this... | - Sam.
...'cause l had no idea that | French-Moroccan existentiaIism
could be just | so damn fascinating.
Sam, I just got off the phone.
Your mother can't pay | for your schooI anymore.
We had a good run.
You know, you were, uh--
you were cooI, | my friends were cooI.
I got a IittIe Bukowski | out of it,
but I guess at the end | of the day,
eVen my mom's tits | aren't recession-proof.
Yeah.
Come on, man. | I Ieft my ID in my room.
l don't feel like | going to get it.
- Can you pIease just giVe me a drink? | - Nice try, junior.
He's with me.
Yeah, I-- I'm with her.
That's why I don't have my ID, | because I Ieft it in our room.
So how about you | just pour me that drink?
WhiIe you're at it, | you can refiII hers
and when you're done, you can bring it | to the tabIe. How about that?
- Thank you. | - Thank you.
And aIso, thank you.
You Iooked Iike | you needed it.
Oh boy, I did.
I actuaIIy stiII do.
Um, I'm Sam, | by the way.
- I'm AIison. | - Good to meet you, AIison.
Rough night?
Gotcha.
- Me too. | - Yeah.
My husband's mistress
showed up | at my house tonight
to compIain to me about | how he's cheating on her tonight.
S-s-shit.
l mean, l'm sure | that he can expIain.
He's reaIIy good at expIaining.
He's a very good expIainer.
- Like, he couId've expIained-- | - Yes, okay. Right, Iook,
- Okay, here we go. | - --that I was married--
Why don't we do this? | Why don't we do this?
Your husband's | a fucking asshoIe.
Okay? | I wouId...
I mean, what? | He goes out
and he cheats on you?
Twice?
And then he fuckin' | tries to explain?
What are you taIking about? | Who the heII cheats on you?
I mean, Iook at you. | You're beautifuI.
You'Ve got these eyes, | they sparkle.
They're Iike diamonds, | you know?
God, what?
That was reaIIy bad.
That just...
- won't sound genuine. | - Oh good.
No, it's a good thing.
So... so you go to school | around here or something?
Yeah, kinda.
- Kinda. | - Kinda?
How oId are you, Sam?
18.
Yeah, I shouId probabIy
get out of here | and get going.
You probabIy shouId.
I'II buy you another drink.
My husband probably | shouIdn't haVe cheated on me.
- Twice. | - Twice.
So...
- So... | - So...
l'm gonna stay | in town tonight.
Just teII RiIey | that I Iove him.
Okay?
Okay. Bye.
Is this creepy?
Creepy?
This is freaking amazing.
This is crazy.
I'm not that oId, | you know.
I'm not that young.
TechnicaIIy I'm not even | a senior anymore
because I can't pay | for my tuition.
This is fun, right?
Yeah.
This is fun.
You haVe an amazing ass.
So hey, you wanna | have fun again?
AbsoIuteIy.
I couId have fun aII night.
- I bet you can. | - l can.
- Good. | - Great.
- Less taIking, more doing. | - Okay.
AII right, so Iet me | get this straight.
This chick was hot,
brought you to her suite, | got you drunk,
had sex with you | multiple times
and Ieft you with a fucking | check in the morning?
Yeah.
That's fucking amazing. Why don't shit | like that ever happen to me, Jimmy?
It can. | It can.
Yeah. | Sam, she's got friends, right?
- Yeah, she's got friends. | - And you haVe money probIems.
- Yes, I haVe money probIems. | - Okay, so?
- So what? | - So hook it up.
Dude, it's not | what you think.
l don't even know | if I'm gonna caII this girI again.
Okay, this is Iike | a once-in-a-Iifetime thing.
Yeah, or Iike | a once-in-a-week time thing.
- You fuckin' know it. | - You know what I mean?
Guys, stop. | Come on.
Look, if you haVen't | already guessed it,
- I'm a Virgin, okay? | - Yeah, l know.
$500 is good. | I get it, okay?
l don't know | what you did with it,
but the fact | of the matter is
if we could parlay that | into two grand a week,
Sam, we couId pay for your tuition | in two months or less.
Like that. You couId stay in schooI | and we couId aII hang out again.
Plus we'd be bringing joy to | unhappiIy-married women eVerywhere.
- Whoa whoa whoa. | - Yes!
And Teddy, by the way, | great VaIid point.
SeIfIess-- I Iike | where your head's at.
- Thank you, sir. | - He made a vaIid point.
I'm just saying. | The fact of the matter is
there are probabIy | tons-- tons
of smoking hot miIfs
waiting for some young | guiIt-free kieIbasa.
AII you haVe to do is make the connection, | pimp this shit out
and it's done. It's a fuckin' wrap-- | bills on you.
You want to lay in bills? | You want to take a bath in biIIs?
Okay, couId you pIease stop Iistening | in on our fucking conversation?
l'm sorry. | It just sounds awesome.
I mean, if you ever | need any heIp...
Yeah yeah, sure. | We'II giVe you a fuckin' caII.
Just stop Iooking at me.
So...
Hey, do you think | we can carve out
a IittIe bit to do | a schoIarship for a kid
who's having some | financiaI probIems?
- What? | - WeII, you said we had a IittIe extra.
WeII, not entireIy extra.
It's for Sam LoweII.
We're a boarding schooI, | not a commune.
I think we shouId concentrate | on the kids that are aIready here
as opposed to some charity case | you might want to bring in.
Bruce, this is not | a charity case.
AII right? | This is a good kid.
I mean, what do you think | we do here as teachers?
We're here to inspire.
WeII, I'm aII for inspiring,
but we're in a recession.
- I know that. | - I can't eVen get enough money
for new band instruments.
Coach Jackson wants new turf | for his Iacrosse fieId.
I'd Iike a IittIe money | for my Women's Lib program.
What do they need | to know about women?
You teII the good-Iooking | ones they're smart
and you teII the smart ones | they're good-Iooking.
Look, I'm trying to have | a decent conversation--
This is a conversation. | You're not listening.
- Sir? | - What is it, Cy, what?!
Sam LoweII is back | on campus.
He says he can pay | for his tuition.
HeIIo?
- She answer it? | - l don't-- hello?
Is that my mom?
AIi, it's Sam.
- Sam? | - No, it's for your mom.
- It's Sam. | - Hey.
- Hey, who was that? | - Uh, it's...
- just a friend. | - Your mom's a cougar.
So I'm gIad you caIIed.
Yeah, me too.
Look, anyway, I was | just thinking about
how great | Iast weekend was.
And I was wondering if maybe | you weren't busy this weekend,
- we couId... | - Do it again?
- Yeah. | - I thought you had to IeaVe schooI.
No, l do. | WeII, I did.
Anyway, that's kind of | what I wanted to taIk to you about.
I don't know if this | sounds weird or anything,
but l was wondering | if maybe this weekend
you couId bring | some of your friends...
Sit your ass down.
...and I couId bring | some of my friends.
And then some of your friends | couId give some of my friends,
uh, some Ietters too,
you know, to help | for my education fund?
- Oh. | - Or not.
I mean, it's totaIIy fine.
It was just an idea. | Just a stupid--
It's not a stupid idea.
Ask him if he has any friends.
- They told-- | - Are you positiVe he's here?
- I'm dead positiVe. | - In here?
Yes-- I mean, 95% positiVe.
- HeIIo? | - Sam?
Sam?
- Sam? | - What?
Hold on. | He asked me.
- AIison? | - TeII him yes.
- l don't know. | - What do you mean you don't know?
What's your fuckin' probIem?
AIison?
Boys?
- Dan-o. | - Sir.
Um, sir,
if I may,
l think that we might | haVe found a soIution
to Sam's IittIe | economic issue.
A soIution?
Uh, yeah. A job.
A job?
A job that pays | $20,000 a semester?
What is it? | Ponzi scheme?
- Nah, man. | - WeII, sir,
my dad has some work | we can do for his company.
And see, it's a tax | sheIter kind of thing.
- Tax sheIter. | - Tax sheIter.
Yeah, Iike a 501(c), sir.
- Is this a fuckin' joke? | - Sir?
Um... we, uh--
Sam has a down payment.
I can see it.
Okay.
Are you boys seIIing drugs?
AII right. | l'll bite.
WeIcome back, Sam.
WhateVer you're doing,
keep it cIean.
Yeah.
They're young boys, | pick of the litter,
and they're a heII of a Iot cheaper | than a pair of Louis Vuittons.
Which pair? Wait, | what are you taIking about?
Judy, quit it. | We're not doing this.
- WiII you stop? | - Doing what?
Why do you two | aIways excIude me?
lt's 'cause | I'm younger, isn't it?
You just don't think | l understand--
- Enough. | - Whoa.
- What? | - Testy. Shit.
For your information,
AIison here is | acting aII bitchy
because I want to set up | some paid pIaydates
with a few boys | from Moore.
- PIaydates? | - Yes.
- You mean for shagging? | - Mm-hmm, I think it's so cooI.
l think it sounds awful | and compIeteIy iIIegaI.
Yes, it is, Judy.
Stop being such | a fucking square, Mary.
Mary is not a square. | She's oId fashioned.
I'm sorry, | but marrying an agent
who's gonna heIp our IittIe Ginger here | with her career
and give her a life of arm candy | doesn't make her oId fashioned.
- It makes her a fucking moron. | - Oh my God, excuse me.
Okay, stop.
Mary, don't Iisten to her.
And you, | I'Ve made myseIf cIear.
l don't think | we shouId do this.
- What is the big deaI? You aIready did it. | - And look at you.
It wasn't Iike that.
- ReaIIy? | - No.
You gaVe him | a check though.
You gaVe him a check?
Mary, I IoVe you,
but we're much oIder than you | and there are certain things--
She is in just as shitty | a relationship as you.
Stop justifying this.
- We aII know your husband-- | - Fine! I fucked him.
I paid him.
But I was just trying | to help him out.
He's a decent kid | who was haVing a hard time.
So why don't you want | to heIp out your kid again?
What is the big deaI?
It was a mistake, Judy.
Oh, pIease. | It's a mistake?
Are you kidding me? It's a mistake now that we | want to have some fuckin' fun?
But with you it wasn't | a mistake, right?
Right. No.
- AIison. | - Mary.
I think it sounds | inVigorating.
You know what? | Let's just set it up for us.
And we'll find | some new girIs for Sam.
What?
I need this. | We need this.
- Come on. | - You know, I don't know about this.
Oh shut up, Mary. When was | the Iast time someone fucked you
- so hard you couIdn't waIk? | - Oh my God.
Jesus fucking Christ, Judy.
You know, now that | l think about it,
I think it sounds | really fun!
- Are they fit? | - Fit
and they are wiIIing.
lt's so true. | There is nothing sweeter
than a boy's worship | of the femaIe body.
Excuse me. | Who are you again?
Oh, this is Dominica, darIing.
- She's from South America. | - I met her at the PTA Iast week.
She's our new BFF.
By the way, you haVe | a beautiful home.
So what do you say?
Mmn.
Un minuto!
' Let's party tiII we die... '
No, FIeming, | it's not gonna work.
Hey, babe, I'm off out.
TeII 'em to put it on hoId.
What part of "no" | don't you get?
' FeeIin' so eIectric '
' FeeIin' so eIectric, | weIcome to my party '
' Night of the Iiving zombies '
' I'm rubbing on her body '
' We roIIing on a IoIIy '
' RoIIin' on a marIey '
' RoIIin', r-roIIin' '
' Let's party tiII we die, | Iet's party tiII we die '
' No need no reason why '
' Can't stop us, | Iet 'em try '
' Let's party tiII we die, | Iet's party tiII we die '
' Let's party tiII we die '
' Everyone is Vibing, | we fizzin' and we fuzzin' '
' Can't find nowhere in private, | so we do it in public. '
I think they want to meet.
Let's do it.
' Are you ready to rock? '
So, Judy, right?
Yeah.
So, Judy, what do you think?
- About what? | - Come on.
Let's cut the bullshit. | Let's get to what we came here for.
- Excuse me? | - Exactly.
- Sorry about my friend. | - It's okay.
Dude, change it!
I Iike your suit.
and I'm feeIing these sIippers.
- I'Ve got this too. | - Very nice.
- I think you're reaIIy handsome. | - l am?
Mmn. | Mary.
- Charles. | - What a IoveIy name.
- So's Mary. | - l know.
Thank you.
Wait, that's perfect! | Don't change it!
That's perfect. | Thank you.
Where is she? | AIi! AIi?
- What? | - AIi!
Wait, do you know | what this reminds me of?
- No. | - ' Reach out and touch-- '
- Come on, AIi. This is so awesome. | - Judy.
- What? | - Nothing.
- Nothing? | - Nothing.
Let me teII him. | It's a funny story.
AIison had a IittIe more | than "nothing"
with the Iead singer | of Depeche Mode
- in her moody earIy '20s! | - Do you eVer shut up?
No.
I was a totaI | rock 'n' roII bitch,
- but our-- | - Groupie.
Were we groupies? | Okay, we were groupies.
But our AIi here
was so into Mr. Gahan's | personaI penis!
Shut up, Judy. | You just need to reIax.
- He rocked, right? | - Relax.
You reIax. At Ieast you weren't a groupie | for INXS or something.
What the fuck is INXS?
Oh shit.
Oh, just drink up, stud. | Show me your room. I'm bored.
- Right now? | - Yes.
Come on. | Let's go.
- Bro, where are you going? | - I'm gonna show her my fucking room.
- Shit. You wanna go to my room? | - Okay.
Guys, we couId IeaVe you two aIone | if you Iike as weII.
Oh, can we now?
WeII, I mean, | if that's okay with you.
Yeah, aII right. | Why not?
HaVe fun, kids.
What does that mean?
- You're so good. | - I'm good? You're better.
I don't haVe this | at home, baby.
You don't have it at home? | You can take it home right in your pocket.
Great big nio eVerything!
Show me what you're working with!
You're such | a good kisser.
Thank you.
You're Very, um...
Excited?
- Stop squeezing my tits. | - Okay!
AII right, I'm sorry.
You're squeezing 'em.
- I'm not fucking squeezing 'em. | - Okay okay.
Oh, here we are.
Oh, fuck my pussy, yeah! | Yeah yeah!
Is that Depeche Mode?
Is that your "personaI Jesus"?
That's him.
My personaI penis.
' Hey yo, girI, | you Iook Iike a twister '
' The way your hips moVe | when you walk, sister '
' You wanna teII me what | I need to make you mine? '
' I wanna rock you | to the beat tonight tonight '
' AII the girIs on the street | Iike rocking to the beat '
' They Iike to taIk about the boys, | talk about the boys '
' All the girls on the street | Iike rocking to the beat... '
l haven't had to use | my Rabbit in weeks.
lt's true. | And they're eVen poIite.
Really? | Do they haVe more friends?
My boyfriend | just dumped me.
Mine too.
I thought you were married.
WhateVer.
' I wanna dance aII night | under the moonlight '
' Baby, won't you hoId me tight | one more time '
' I wanna hear | the beat bounce '
' Back and forth | against the disco waIIs. '
Hey, babe, | guess where we're going.
- Where? Hawaii? | - Minnesota.
FinaI fuckin' Four! | Right here, babe.
' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar, | we're all cougars '
' Men IoVe cougars, don't you | wanna bang a cougar too? '
- ' Bang a cougar ' | - ' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar '
' We're aII cougars, | men IoVe cougars '
- ' Don't you wanna bang a cougar too? ' | - ' Bang a cougar '
- ' At CougarLife.com ' | - ' Bang a cougar '
' Don't you wanna bang | a cougar too? '
CougarLife.com recentIy...
HoIy shit.
Chuck! Chuck!
Chuck, come in here. | Gotta check this out.
- What you Iooking at, man? | - Look, it's CougarLife.
It's a sociaI network for eIigibIe women | of a certain age.
Dude, it has everything. | Look at this, Iook at this.
Locations, | interests, cup size!
This is gonna be amazing. | It's gonna giVe us
a whole new clientele | for aII of our new recruits.
- What new recruits? | - Just watch and Iearn.
l don't know, Jimmy. | I don't think Sam's gonna Iike this.
Shut the fuck up.
We're joining.
I wiII not disappoint you, sirs.
I'm Patrick, by the way.
WeII, Patrick, prepare yourseIf | for a whole new lifestyle.
' Party peopIe | in the pIace to be '
' This is dirt | motherfuckin' nasty, baby '
' If you a bitch, put your motherfucking | hands up in the air '
' Like this, what? '
' AII the girIs in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna | giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' | hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, | can I get wit' you?
' All the girls | in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna | giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' | hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, | can I get wit' you? '
' Hey, girl, | can I sniff with you? '
' Hell yeah, | I wanna get with you '
' I IiVe out in MaIibu '
' 'Cause New York | is less liveable '
' Dirt nasty, | got your mama starin' '
' FIip-fIops | with the Donna Karan '
' Chop chop, | speakers bIaring '
' Fuck the worId, | I'm an American '
' Don't make it | difficuIt '
' My dick is bibIicaI '
' If I wanted | to hit it, girI '
' I'd whip it out | in the IiVing room '
' This shit | got the haters rockin'... '
Are you-- | are you recording this?
What-- is that a probIem?
' l get Lil' Wayne | to spit on my aIbum '
' AII the girIs | in the cIub tonight... '
Ride it harder!
Come on, doggie.
Ooh!
- TeII me that you Iove me. | - I IoVe you.
- Say it Iike you mean it. | - I IoVe you!
Oh God, this is way better | than internet porn!
Ooh, you got me a present.
What you got in that bag? | Let me see what you got.
Turn around | and puII down your pants.
What the fuck you mean, | turn around
- and puII down my pants? I ain't-- | - Now!
- Sam? | - Courtney.
- Hey. | - Hey.
- Hey. Don't forget IittIe oI' me. | - Hi, Angie.
- And this is Todd. | - Tom.
- Whatever. | - We met on Facebook.
- CooI, man. | - I'm the third wheeI.
- Sounds Iike fun. | - Boatloads.
- I can hear you guys. | - We know.
So how 'bout you? | What are you doing behind a Iiquor store
- at 10 PM? | - Nothing.
Really? | He's wearing a suit in an aIIey.
Yes, and I can expIain.
Here you go. Four bottles | pIus one AIiz and one white.
Thank you.
- Where were we? | - You were Iying.
- I knew he was Iying. | - Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
AII right, fine. | Fine.
- Todd, Iet's go hook up in the car. | - It's Tom.
That's what you do | on a date.
- So where is your car? | - Wow.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm a bitchmagnet.
Must be in the DNA | or something.
Yeah.
By the way, | sorry about before.
Well, not right before, | because you are Iying
and I am going to get | to the bottom of that.
The before where we were supposed | to hang and l didn't show.
That before.
- I bet you thought I fIaked. | - No, you know, I just--
- I figured-- | - WeII, the thing is my mom--
she's, uh-- | she's been having issues
and I'Ve been having | to deal with them.
Dad thinks it's oVer, which means me | and my aggro older brother
haVe to take care | of Mommy dearest for now.
- Jesus. | - Yeah.
What can I say?
She's a nightmare.
But so are a Iot of women | like that in this town.
I mean, you wouId be surprised | on what goes on behind cIosed doors.
So what did you say | you were doing again?
Are you-- are you okay?
Yeah, I think I just broke | a champagne bottIe.
Whoa, you having | a party or something?
Yeah. No.
Which one is it? | Yes or no?
Yes and no.
- Gotcha. | - Shit. Wait.
Look, hang on, | hang on, hang on.
Wait wait wait wait. | Look...
It's not Iike that. | My buddy Chuck, his mom's sick.
We're just gonna hang out, | cheer him up, taIk shit.
- Drink champagne? | - Yeah.
- You're Iying again, aren't you? | - Yes.
What are you reaIIy doing?
Nothing, okay? | I promise it's nothing.
Ow! Is that a retainer?
Fine. You wanna grab breakfast | with me tomorrow or something?
I just asked you out.
- ls that weird? | - No no no, that's not weird.
That's great.
It's amazing.
- So breakfast. | - Yeah, I'm not promising anything.
Just waffIes.
Oh, and no Angie. | That's... yeah.
Oh, if there's no Angie, | then yeah. Hell yeah.
So 10:00 AM | Med's coffee shop on Third?
- Great. | - It's a date.
- WeII, I mean, it's-- | - I can't wait.
WeII, | you gotta go, right?
So...
Yeah.
- Okay. | - Okay.
See you at 10:00.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Yeah?
lt happens | to everybody.
So maybe | you're just drunk.
No, l didn't | drink that much.
Well then, maybe | you shouId drink.
No, I shouId not drink.
I got to-- I got | to teII you something.
Okay.
I met somebody.
Oh.
I met somebody. I haven't done | anything with her or anything.
We haVen't eVen | gone out on a date.
I'm not eVen reaIIy sure | what's gonna happen with it.
It's just kinda got me thinking | a little bit, you know?
Yeah.
Got you thinking, huh?
But, I mean, | if you wanna just
wait a minute-- | a coupIe minutes or whateVer,
I'm sure I couId...
No, 'cause I know how much | this means to you.
- Excuse me? | - Shit.
No, wait. | Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on. | Look, that did not come out right.
Okay? I said that | compIeteIy wrong.
Look, I can't do this Iike this.
I...
It's okay.
' I was 21 years | when I wrote this song... '
' I'm 22 now... '
You know what? | I'Ve got to take care of my famiIy.
Where's my coat?
Come on. | Just-- can you--
can you wait? | PIease? Just wait.
Just... wait.
Good night.
Bye.
' Once my heart | was fiIIed '
' With the IoVe | of a girl '
' I heId her cIose '
' But she faded | in the night... '
Yo!
Sam?
- Hey. | - What are you doing, man?
- Yeah, just-- | - Oh, you're writing?
- Yeah. | - Jesus Christ. In a pIace of worship.
Sam Lowell, l never | thought I'd see the day.
That makes two | of us, brother.
Oh hey, l got | your check Iast week.
- Oh you did? Good. | - Yeah yeah.
- So work good? | - Yeah, work's-- you know, it's work,
- But it's good. | - Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you want to grab | something to eat?
I think the Iast shuttIe's | pretty crammed.
I'II take you whereVer | you want to go
and you can teII me aII about how | they screwed up The ViIIage.
- Sounds good, man, but I got-- | - I got, uh...
- I got, uh... | - Work.
You're working now?
Not Iike-- | weII, not Iike this work,
but I do haVe, Iike, work work | in a little bit.
Chuck's dad needs me | to drive around
some of his | business associates
acting as, Iike, a VaIet. I don't reaIIy know | what the hell that means.
But I think I'Ve got | to wear a tux.
Tux. Fuck.
Sorry.
AII right. | WeII, maybe another time.
You know what? I'd Iike to haVe you oVer | to the house for dinner sometime,
introduce you to my famiIy.
Yeah, man, | I'd IoVe to meet your famiIy.
ReaIIy?
- Yeah. | - AII right.
WeII, you haVe | a fun time at work.
Shut off the Iight | when you're done.
- Yeah. | - There's a switch right oVer here.
Okay.
Oh man.
Mmn, so what do you think of him?
Strong hands, nice Iips--
I definiteIy approVe.
- What, baIIoon boy? | - Mm-hmm.
Are you compIeteIy off your rocker? | He's a child.
And what the fuck | is Chuck?
Cock don't haVe an age, Mary.
It's true.
You know what? | Fuck this.
I'm getting a diVorce and marrying | someone my own age.
WeII, that's | a IittIe oVerdramatic.
Right?
What the hell her | fuckin' probIem is.
So seriousIy, how much | do you think he'd cost?
l think you can | get him for fiVe.
Fuck yeah.
That's just a charity case.
Look at AIi.
That bitch.
She's gonna fuck him | and not eVen teII us.
AIi! | Whoo!
OVer here, girIfriend!
AIi!
- Girls. | - Ooh, aren't you yummy?
- I'm Judy. | - Jesus.
What? | He's cute.
So where've you been?
I've missed you.
Sorry. I've just been | reaIIy busy with RiIey.
ReaIIy? You'Ve been busy | with a fuckin' three-year-oId?
Gimme a break. | It's fuckin' buIIshit.
- Excuse-- | - Nothing. You're busy. You're busy. Sorry.
You're busy with Riley. | You're busy with this baIIoon boy.
Jude, Jude, what the heII | are you taIking?
What are you | taIking about?
Look at you. You're trashed | at my son's birthday party.
So what? | I'm haVing a good time.
No, you're here to scope out | teenagers for your weekIy hoteI party.
Oh yeah? WeII, it's not | at a hoteI anymore, babe.
- What? | - They moVed it.
For your informa-ti-on, | they got a rentaI.
Oh and Mary here's getting | a divorce, by the way.
Judy! | Fuck's sake!
NiceIy done.
Enjoy the cake.
Fuckin' party pooper.
Sam!
Oh shit. | What do I do?
Just reIax.
Sam, over here.
Don't be a fucking rat.
He's not | a fucking rat, bro.
Sam.
What's up, man?
Take a waIk with me.
- Hop on. | - Excuse me?
I need to taIk to you | about something.
- You do? | - Yes.
I do.
Right. | WeII, here's the thing:
see, I'm supposed to go | into town with my buddies
and I'Ve neVer reaIIy been | on a motorcycIe before, so...
Just jump on | the goddamn bike.
So what'd you want | to taIk to me about?
Quit yourjob.
- What? | - Quit yourjob!
Look, Dan, before we | go any further, man,
l think l should | expIain something!
I got a schoIarship for you.
What?!
I got a schoIarship for ya!
I toId Bruce, "Fuck you,"
toId the board, "Fuck you.
I'm the boss.
GiVe this kid a schoIarship.
He deserves it." | Then they did it!
So you can quit yourjob,
go back to studying now.
Thank you!
I thought I was in troubIe!
Nah nah.
I was just fuckin' with you.
Are you in troubIe?
Uniforms. Put 'em on.
There's a bathroom. | You can use it if you want to to change,
but remember reaI women | like the fantasy of youth.
White is Iike heaven.
ReaI women Iike heaven.
And boys?
You're about to be deaIing | with some real women.
Jimmy, what the fuck?
Shit. Hey.
- Sorry I started without you. | - What are you--
Everyone, say hello | to your founding father Sam.
CIap.
- We got to talk. | - TaIk amongst yourseIf for a second.
- We got to shut this down. | - What?
You fucking ratted on us, | didn't you?
He doesn't know anything. | Back off.
Thank God.
Guys, we got to quit | whiIe we're ahead here.
- Why? | - Because he took me out
and he toId me that he was | gonna pay for my tuition, that's why.
Fucking Dan Fox?
Dan. | Look, man, he's a cooI guy.
- I don't want to betray his trust anymore. | - Mm-hmm.
- It's the right fucking thing to do, Jimmy. | - I agree.
This whoIe thing | is just subVersiVe.
At first I thought | Mary IoVed me.
Then I found out | she just wanted me for my body.
Yeah, and Iast week, | Dominica used a diIdo
on me, bro.
So what?!
Who gives a shit? | Open up your eyes, brothers.
This IittIe thing that we started
has turned into something bigger | than we could ever imagine.
Sam, this is | a cash cow business here.
lf we keep this up, | we can start franchising soon.
- Franchising? | - Patrick's got a guy in Connecticut--
his dad owns | Iike a chain of hoteIs.
- What are you-- Patrick? | - I thought you hated that guy, Jimmy.
When opportunity knocks,
- you got to take it. | - Okay, stop.
This is our chance to go | big leagues with it.
James, come on, man.
It'II be fine. | Let's just put this puppy to sIeep.
Fine, but guys, for me, | please.
We can end it. | Just giVe me tonight, okay?
I mean, Sam, | there's peopIe at the door.
We can't cancel. The recruits | are aII dressed up and excited.
Teddy, what do you say? | You'Ve known me the Iongest.
What do you say? | One more night, one more party,
aII of us together.
Fuck the girls, | fuck the buIIshit.
PIease.
Let's ceIebrate, huh?
- Fine fine. | - Yeah.
Okay, but look, | I'm serious, man.
- There's no more Iying. | - No more lying.
After tonight. | One more night of Iying.
Bring it in.
- Sam? | - Courtney?
Oh shit.
- What are you doing here? | - I was just waIking my dog
and I thought I saw | my mom come up here.
Your mom? | No, that's impossibIe.
Um, do you IiVe around here?
Uh, yeah. | Like a bIock away.
No shit.
So what are you | doing here?
Um, Chuck's parents | are in town
and they're doing a IittIe bingo | for cancer thing. Just heIping out.
Aw, cooI.
Wait, what are you-- | what are you doing?
I'II heIp.
What do you mean | you'll help?
WeII, I'm done with homework. | You're here.
I'm here. | I'II heIp.
You know what? | How about this?
lf you don't have | anything eIse to do--
they don't really | need me in there--
why don't we just | go back to your pIace?
- Yeah? | - Yeah.
I mean, as much as I Iove | just hooking up
in the back of your Prius...
You know, we've been dating | a IittIe over a month
and I've never | seen your pIace.
What do you say?
Oh no.
Huh? What?
Headmaster Fox is your dad?
Oh shit. | You didn't know?
- I thought everyone knew. | - Nah, I'm new.
Oh, that's right.
WeII, that's my dad
and that's | my train wreck of a mother.
Congratulations | on your ignorance.
Now you get to do | the dean's daughter.
Wait, hang on.
Come on. | Shawn?
My brother?
Yup.
I hear he's a totaI dick | at school.
Yeah, you couId say that.
So now that we're done | with the geneaIogy,
what do you think | of my new bra?
Sexy? I got matching | panties too.
- Wait wait wait. Wait a second. | - Why?
Don't worry. | My dad's working Iate at your schooI
and you did say | you want to maximize
the space in my room | Versus my hybrid toaster.
So Iet's maximize...
l gotta kinda | teII you something.
- You're a virgin? | - No.
Oh, great. | Neither am I.
I'm reaIIy horny | and my bed is reaIIy comfy
and we've waited a month | so speak now or forever hoId your piece.
What is it?
Doesn't matter anymore.
' I feII in Iove with a girI '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade. '
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
Good morning, Sam.
This is the girI | sans straitjacket?
DanieI.
Oh, this is perfect.
- You know each other? | - What is going on?
I found your mother | at a high schooI party down the street
- with a 17-year-oId boy. | - 18.
CIassy.
- I shouId probabIy go. | - No no no.
Why don't you stay, | will you?
Look, Dan, man--
Sam, man.
So, Sam,
you have anything | to do with this?
Huh?!
'Cause Judy's date | was your IittIe dick friend Jimmy.
- Oh yeah? | - Uh-huh.
Dad.
- Yeah, baby? | - He was with me Iast night...
as you can see.
WeII,
it seems Iike
everybody was getting Iaid | last night and l got fucked.
So...
- you wanna get some breakfast? | - No thank you, sir.
- Dan. | - No thanks, man. I'm good.
Judy, I'd Iike to pick up | on that conversation we were having
over eggs and bacon.
Fuck you.
Or not.
AII right.
Why don't you two | Iovebirds work it out?
Now taIk amongst | yourselves.
What were you doing | at that house Iast night?
- Uh... | - I need to know.
I don't know.
You reaIIy think you can | I-don't-know your way
out of my famiIy drama?
- WeII? | - What? It's not what you think, okay?
What do I think, Sam?
I don't know what you think. | l don't know.
- Shit. I'm sorry. | - Just leave.
You okay?
Now, pIease.
- Courtney, Iook-- | - Get out!
We're done.
Dream's over, bro.
I'm sorry, man. | I reaIIy fucked this one up.
Nah, we aII fucked up.
Just a IittIe Iouder.
Hey.
Do me a favor. | If you see Courtney,
teII her to say hi | to Judy for me.
You're such | an asshoIe, Jimmy.
l'm sorry l have | feeIings, buttdick.
- Sam. | - AIison, hi.
I bet you think | that's my husband, don't you?
I don't know.
He's a friend-- | someone--
my subcontractor.
Oh, that's | the subcontractor.
Okay.
So, hey, | where you heading?
Ah...
I don't know.
' Think I'II go Iive | by the beach '
' Or in the mountains | through the frozen reach '
' Or in the city where nothing's | moving sIow... '
' OnIy time that | I'm feeIing right '
- ' I'm singing through the burning Iight ' | - lt's gonna be okay.
Don't-- my hair.
I Iove your hair.
' Never cared | what anybody thought '
' I do whatever | l want... '
- I can expIain. | - What's there to expIain?
You broke | my sister's heart.
You stoIe my dad from me!
You fuck!
' Gonna give 'em | something to say '
' Yeah, gonna | give 'em something '
' You know I'm gonna | give 'em something '
' Damn right, I'm gonna | give 'em something to say. '
- Hey. | - Hey.
Is that a bIack eye?
Yeah.
Um, look, here's-- | here's-- here's the thing:
My friends are gone,
um...
your daughter | won't taIk to me
and I can bareIy Iook you | in the eyes anymore.
l can't concentrate in class. | I can't concentrate outside of cIass.
Your son just...
came and kicked | the ever-Iiving shit out of me
and I can't write anymore.
So I'm just going to taIk | for a minute.
And you can just shut me up | whenever you feeI Iike, okay?
Go ahead, go ahead.
All right, | so my friends...
you know, the ones who were | pooIing aII their money together
to pay for my tuition--
um...
that money that we | puIIed together was dirty.
AII right.
So what I'm basicaIIy | trying to tell you
is that we started | an escort service
that catered to your wife | and all of her friends.
And I swear to God | l had no idea
that it was your--
that it was your wife. | And her friends
were aII just fuckin'--
once this whoIe thing | started, man,
I couIdn't stop it. | I reaIIy reaIIy--
it was going | just reaIIy weII
and then you came | and you told me
that you got the schooI | to pay for my-- my tuition
and I feIt awfuI.
I just feIt fuckin' awfuI.
And I wanted to teII you about it, | but l couldn't.
I didn't teII you about it,
so then I went to the rentaI house | where we wouId,
you know, do everything | and l tried to stop it.
But I didn't stop it there because I figured, | "What the fuck?
One night. One night. | One more time.
Let's have one more time. | We'II go one more time."
But it's not gonna be | one more time.
Even if you hadn't caught us, | it wasn't gonna be one more time.
And the onIy reason | you didn't catch me
was 'cause I was out | alone with your--
I was at your house-- | your house!
--with your | fuckin' daughter.
Post script: I had no idea | it was your daughter,
but...
I tried to come cIean | with her.
And...
l don't know, man. | I'm just reaIIy fuckin' Iost.
And l know | that you're probabIy
just super pissed
and you don't care,
but...
Are you roIIing a joint?
I'm Iistening.
You're not even mad?
Kinda.
Nah, not reaIIy.
No.
Come on, man. | I knew what was going on.
- You did? | - Huh?
- You did? | - WeII, of course I did.
Find all your buddies | with a bunch of oIder women?
And magicaI cash?
l mean, l'm stupid, | but I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
And you know what? | You said it.
You didn't fuck my wife.
You didn't know Courtney | was my daughter.
And you did what you needed | to do to stay here.
- So now what? | - Now what what?
You gonna kick me | out of school?
Nah. | Your friends?
They took the heat for you.
Anyway, you know what?
You'Ve been kicked out | of too many schooIs.
So l told | the new headmaster that--
Whoa, hang on. What do you mean | new headmaster?
Oh yeah.
I resigned this morning.
The new headmaster | is English.
I hear he wears bow ties.
So,
if you do stay here,
your schoIarship is safe.
Look, man, | thank you, but...
I have absoIuteIy | no interest
in staying here,
I mean without you | or my friends, so...
I figured as much.
You know what? | You're gonna be aII right.
- l don't know about that. | - No, you're gonna be aII right.
I know.
ReaIIy.
So what are you gonna do | about your family?
WeII...
that famiIy-- | my famiIy's had probIems
for a long time | way before you came.
And Judy and I, weII,
we were done years ago.
Shawn.
He's a troubIed kid.
I feeI responsibIe | for aII that troubIe he has.
But that's the gift | a father giVes a son--
resentment and scorn.
He'II be aII right.
He'II come around | like when he's 29.
And that IittIe girI of mine?
l don't worry | about her one bit.
She has got it aII, man.
Got it aII, that girI.
- So what about you? | - Me?
WeII, me--
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
SeriousIy.
You think l'm too old | to go back on the road?
Nah. | Just wrap it up.
Oh, I'm gonna | doubIe-bag it.
Oh yeah. I ain't | making that mistake again.
Hey, do a bro | a soIid, wiII you?
Yeah, man.
You take JetBlue | out of Ontario home tonight?
Okay.
Good.
AII right.
Remember...
heroes aren't born,
they're cornered.
- Bukowski? | - Mickey Rooney.
Come on, | get out of here.
Oh.
That's good.
Oh, I pIay so good | when l'm high.
' Everything's gonna be aII right '
' Everything's | gonna be aII right '
' Everything's gonna | be aII right now '
' Everything's gonna | be aII right, oh-oh. '
Excuse me. Sorry, man.
Hi.
- Hey, you need some heIp? | - Sam?
Worst opening Iine eVer.
So what are you doing | taking my fIight home?
Your fIight, huh?
WeII, if you must know, | l'm going to be living
with my dad's parents | in The ViIIage
for the Iast year | and a haIf of high schooI.
I hear they're eccentric | artists, so that's cooI.
That's cooI.
You reaIIy don't haVe | to heIp me with that. It's fine.
Look, yes I do.
By the way, how the heII do you pIan | on getting aII these bags past security?
- I'm crafty. | - Crafty?
lf you'd like to ensure | safe passage of your bags,
then maybe you shouId | Iet me take one.
We can just say | we're together.
Okay.
lt's cool. | It's my bag.
Yeah, maybe, you know.
Okay.
- Okay. | - Maybe's okay.
Thanks.
- So... | - So...
What's your | reaI story, SamueI?
Got fiVe hours to kiII?
' As I swim to shore | through these raging seas '
' I don't know how, | but I know I'm free '
' There's a IittIe road | I used to waIk '
' It's about the same, | the same as it was '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II thank you... '
' And there's a IittIe bird | singing in my tree '
' I don't know what he's saying '
' But I know he's free '
' Sometimes we faII fast asIeep '
' And other times we awake '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't haVe much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't haVe much to say '
' But I'II thank you '
' Good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't have much to say '
' I don't have much to say. '