Crabs! (2021) Movie Script
1
[raven screeches]
[crab humming]
[crab]
Oh.
[upbeat music]
[explosions]
[woman moaning]
[crab screeching]
Oh, why are you stopping?
Keep it going. Keep it going.
-Wait! No, wait!
-Keep it going.
-Hold on. Sequoia, wait.
-Ah.
-What?
-What is that thing?
Uh... groovy little crab.
[chuckles]
Well, let him watch if he wants.
Whatever floats your boat,
little dude. [moans]
-Yeah, you know--
-Ah, what the fuck?
Yeah, yeah.
[light tense music]
-That's disgusting.
-Don't freak out.
It's dead. [scoffs]
Babe, you gotta
take a picture with this.
-No, I don't want to touch it.
-Come on. Just do it.
Hmm...
-Fine.
-Yeah.
-Just be quick.
-Okay.
Ugh.
[whispers] Wait for a second.
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Come on.
[camera beeps]
[screeches]
Babe, you better put that down.
[growls]
[groaning]
[crab laughs]
Ah, babe.
Come on, babe. Babe.
[groaning]
[thuds]
Hon, are you okay?
Babe?
I'm sorry.
[suspenseful music]
[crab screeching]
[growls]
[upbeat music]
Hey, watch it.
You are the fucking kids.
[laughs]
[Hunter]
Oh, come on!
Come on.
Fuck you, you little crab.
[inaudible] Sucker!
Ha-ha!
Oh, no, no, no shit.
[Flannigan]
Hey, Deputy.
Put your damn game down
and dig up over.
-[clears throat]
-[beeps]
-Sheriff, I'm here.
-[Flannigan] I'm about to swing
by Johnny B's
and pick your brother up.
-Do you want anything?
-Same for me.
Hey, Mr. West?
Hey, Mr. West.
Oh, no, Mr. West.
Oh, not again.
Damn it! Mr. West,
I did a breakfast burrito.
Please slow down.
[rock music]
[sighs] Damn it, Hunter!
[sad instrumental music]
Maddy, would you
mind taking that down?
-[clicks tongue]
-Thank you.
[Maddy]
De nada.
[groans softly]
[exhales]
-Hay, Maddy...
-[blows a raspberry]
...remember that thing
I was telling you about?
Yes, is that it?
Ah!
Do you want to try it out?
-Let's do it.
-Good.
This changes everything, Maddy.
All my effort is
finally going to pay off.
-[Maddy] Our effort.
-You know, that's what I meant.
-Do you really think it'll work?
-[sighs] It better.
I had to convince Flannigan
to bribe four customs agents
just to get it into the country.
-Uh... really?
-Oh, yeah.
See what's in this box
could theoretically fuel
a military grade giant robot,
ten stories tall for weeks.
[Maddy]
Phil, just in case
it doesn't work.
You know, life will
go on either way. Right?
-Whether you're able to walk--
-It'll work.
-Trust me.
-I do. I'm just saying.
Don't forget,
you always have two left feet.
-Hey, Maddy.
Would you mind, um...
-Oh. You want them?
-Yeah.
-You want them?
-Yes.
-Then stand up and get them.
-That's not cool.
-[laughs]
-Thanks.
-No, problemo.
It does see a shit
in here, Phil.
[Phil]
Yeah, it's a barn.
[computer beeping]
[Phil]
I hope you're ready for this.
Oh. Get this.
It is only mapped
to my thumbprint.
[electrical chiming]
-Whoa.
-There we go.
Wow.
[whispers] All right. Oh.
Amorium Clustergram.
In all of her beauty.
Ready?
Okay.
[electronic warbling]
Yeah!
[both gasping]
-Bloody Barton Jesus!
-[Maddy] Flannigan.
What the hell was that, Phil?
Damn near blew
my nuts off. [laughs]
-Not like you get much use
out of them anymore.
-Yeah, now,
it's that's a nice thank you
for me bringing you supper.
-Oh, thanks.
-Hi, Flannigan.
Maddy, man, you're not
encouraging him now, are you?
Says the man who helped him
procure the damn thing. [scoffs]
-Is that what that was?
-Maybe.
Hey, how come why don't we
just use your old man's shop
instead of holding yourself up
in your little cubby, huh?
I have everything
I need in my cubby.
[sad music]
[Flannigan]
Well, I'm just saying
it's a shame
to let all that stuff go unused.
Doesn't matter. Hunter's
gonna sell it all anyway.
[Flannigan] You might oughta
patch that hole up though
before your brother gets back.
Oh, you're fucked.
-Howdy, partner?
-[car door closes]
-Sheriff.
-[paper rustling]
Phil, will you quit ripping up
the damn signs?
I'm not.
You're not?
Then who is?
-Maddy.
-Hey, you told me to.
You know, we can't afford
to keep this place.
Take it easy, Deputy.
-Yeah.
-[Marjorie] All available units.
We have a 19-243
down on Lunar Beach.
What? A 19-243?
That's a cat in a tree.
[chuckles]
Marjorie,
we've talked about this.
Nobody else is
on these channels.
So stop using
the freaking codes.
Ain't got time for it.
[Marjorie]
Sorry, Sheriff.
A dead whale washed up
with a nasty slice in its belly.
Bunch of folks called it
and they all freaked out.
Cat in the tree, huh?
-Let's roll that, Deputy!
-Phil, please go hang this up.
[car engine starts]
You okay?
Yeah, I am okay.
See you tomorrow.
Sure.
Not like we had plans
or anything.
[dramatic music]
[Flannigan]
That is one big ass
dead mother fucking whale.
Smells like fresh asshole, too.
[coughs]
All right. Sure as hell
wasn't no shark done that.
Yeah, I'm guessing not.
[seagulls cawing]
[Flannigan]
Giant squid, maybe.
Those aren't real.
Are they?
How the fuck would I know?
Look like a guy
who knows jack about fish.
Fish sticks maybe.
I've been working out.
[light suspenseful music]
I'm gonna poke it with a stick.
-Hey, don't be poking it
with the stick.
-It's a scientific observation.
-I saw it in the movie.
-Don't be poking and shit.
-You know what I think did it?
-What?
Aliens...
...for sure.
The truth is...
...something's out there.
That's for damn sure.
[suspenseful music]
-This thing stinks.
-Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, I'll buy you some
fish sticks for lunch.
-No.
[upbeat music]
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[hums]
[inaudible]
[knock on door]
Yeah?
-It's me.
-Don't come in.
I'm jerking off.
[laughs] Shut up,
I am coming in.
[sighs]
Can I help you?
-Breakfast pizza?
-Gross.
So, dude, uh, what the hell
happened to the door?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Don't be difficult.
Just fix it, Okay?
Right.
Good talk, Phil.
[dramatic music]
[moans softly]
Ugh.
[spits] Um, that is gross.
Well.
[spits]
[suspenseful music]
[crab screeching]
[electronic music]
-What's up? It's late.
-Hey, Maddy.
-I'm sorry I got--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
My only demand
is unquestionable rights
to the movie choice next week.
-Okay, but I refused to watch--
-Uh-uh, no, no, no.
No exceptions.
Fine.
You know,
you can wait for me at the top,
-like, I can do this myself.
-Hmm.
Pushing your lazy ass around is
the only workout I can handle.
Seriously, fuck running.
[Annalise]
Next.
[wet sloshing]
[soft music]
[water dripping]
Next.
No heads-up this morning?
Oh, hey, we're going to be
playing with dead things today.
Maybe don't wear
your favorite shirt.
-No?
-[chuckles]
-Thanks, Mom.
-Have fun.
All right. Now everyone has
one specimen for group, right?
-[exhales]
-[Annalise] If you look
at the diagram
in your lab packet,
you'll see the instructions...
It's a... [clears throat] a
mighty fine pussy you got there.
-Ew!
-I am so sorry.
That was... That was awful.
Oh, please be careful
with the scalpel
-and make sure
you pin down the--
-[retches]
-[coughing]
-Oh, Radu.
I thought you were going
to warn me next time.
I, I am sorry, Miss Menrath,
but these things,
I mean, I cannot.
The, the garbage
is three feet away.
You used to think he was cute.
Aw.
Is someone feeling jealous?
-[mimics meow]
-Well, you know where
the health office is. Come on.
Leave it.
[sighs]
Feel better, all right.
[sighs] Thanks, Mindy.
[sighs] What's going over here?
Fine, Mom. Go away!
Hush, daughter. Maybe
I wanted to talk to McCalister.
Oh, if this is about
the Geiger counter incident, I--
Oh, no, no, no.
I see that you didn't sign
the registration sheet
for the dance yet.
-And I know Maddy doesn't--
-Mama.
Ferme la bouche.
Seriously, go away.
Alright, Fine.
Get over yourself.
[upbeat music]
-[laughs]
-[bell rings]
What up, Filibuster?
[stutters] I got
to ask you something.
Good after lunch time,
my classmates Philip.
-Hi, Radu.
-Hey! Good after lunchtime
to you too Madeleine.
I am have begging your pardon,
but Radu is in this time
not having a lady partner
for the disco evening
in days coming, uh,
Radu have asked many
of my classmates
and have many female classmates
said to Radu, "No way."
Thanks, Radu.
But I already have a date.
-You do?
-Yes, you.
[Radu]
But he cannot walk.
[laughing]
Uh... but then serious,
this fellow cannot
for the life of him,
this go simple, hokey-pokey.
You'd be surprised.
[upbeat music]
You smell like a mermaid.
America.
[suspenseful music]
[seagulls cawing]
This is super fucked up.
Stop messing
with the evidence, Deputy.
I was just... [sighs]
Sorry, sir.
-Well...
-[sighs]
...goes that way.
Shall we?
What do you think
could've done it?
Well...
-I think it's a seal.
-A what?
-A seal.
-If it was a seal,
there'd be flapper tracks.
Yeah. I guess that's right.
Maybe covered them up, though.
I hear they're
highly intelligent.
[Fannigan]
Ever heard of a man eating seal?
[Hunter]
Don't rule it out. I heard
they can be vicious, man.
[Flannigan]
Think again, dumb ass.
[Hunter]
Okay. All right, fine.
I'll drop this.
Watch your step.
-Tide hasn't washed away
the blood yet.
-Yeah.
All right, then...
...get on up in there.
I'll cover you from back here.
[clears throat] Fine.
[sighs]
[tense music]
[suspenseful music]
[water dripping]
Ah. Fuck!
What the fuck?
Oh, God. What the fuck is this?
[gasps]
Excuse me.
Miss?
Miss, you all right?
-Miss.
-[crying]
Excuse me, Miss.
Crabs!
[whispering] Crabs.
[screams] Sheriff?
[screams] Sheriff?
[Radu]
And then his mother
shook the goat and said to Radu,
"Radu, now you must clean
father's dirty hole." [laughs]
Can friends guess
what Radu do after this?
What the fuck you
talking about, dude?
The question I was asking is
what do Radu do and choose
after his mother said to Radu,
[mimics his mother]
"Radu, you put the goat
back in the goat house.
Are you cleaning the dirty
hole of the father?"
-Dude, why do we invite him?
-Come on. He's funny.
Ew.
-[boy 1] Shrooms?
-Sweets?
-Something like that.
-Here.
[reggae music over speakers]
oh, my boy, my boy.
-[screeching]
-[clattering]
-What was that?
-Do not be afraid.
His only badger,
Radu, good fight.
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
[growls]
He's not badger.
-[screeches]
-[screaming]
[Radu unintelligible]
-Holy fuck.
-[screaming]
[groaning]
[groans] Mommy!
[both boys screaming]
[groaning]
[knocks]
[Phil]
Hey, Maddy, come on in.
Door's open.
-Hey, Phil.
-Uh.
Hey, I'll,
I'll fix the door tomorrow.
Whoa.
Did you build all these?
Yes, I did.
[clatters]
[whistles]
-What you're working on?
-The same old stuff.
Can I see?
[clears throat]
Problem with my last iteration
was that I neglected to take
into account the increase
in power consumption
when I changed out
the radio carbine undulator
with the new Kanako brand.
Lux pistons that I got
from that Korean website.
But then I got this.
A fancy D battery.
Hey! Whoa.
That's like comparing
a firework to an atom bomb.
Now this it's
the Amorium Clustergram,
piece of tech
way ahead of its time.
This thing can rapidly
convert joules of energy
into bit fueled
streams of particles.
Phil, you know I don't speak
nerd. English. Please.
[Phil]
Careful. Grab the legs.
-[Hunter] Okay.
-Okay. Yeah.
Now that...
-Nice and tight, Nice and tight.
-[groans]
-Hunter, that's not my leg.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Now what?
-Uh, well, pass me
the Amorium Clustergram
The shiny dude.
Oh, yeah, it's... Yeah.
Okay.
-You know the hole in the door?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I would take a step back.
-Aah--
-This shit is for real.
-Phil, you know,
maybe we shouldn't--
-[unintelligible]
-Seriously, Phil.
Just stop, okay?
-And to right...
-[electricity crackles]
-Oh, God. Careful.
Are you okay, Phil?
-I'm good. Good.
-Here, let me here--
-No. Don't.
I need to do it myself.
-Okay. Okay.
[groans]
[electronic whirring]
-Can I, can I just help?
-No, just...
[gentle music]
[laughs] Oh, my God.
-Phil!
-It's working.
-I can't believe it.
-Easy, okay, okay.
-Baby steps, baby steps,
baby steps
-I am walking.
I'm walking.
[electricity crackles]
-[body thuds]
-Phil!
-Calm down.
-Stop. Fuck.
-Stop.
-Fine. Okay, okay.
Fine, I'm sorry.
[Hunter]
Hey, come on. At least
you didn't blow your leg off.
Phil, come back. Philip.
[car brakes squeals]
[Maddy]
Philip?
Where's he going?
-I don't know.
-I'll be right back.
-We'll be here.
-[Maddy] Phil,
hey, Phil, wait up!
Deputy...
everything under control?
-Obviously.
-Sorry, this was a bad time.
She told me that she borrowed
his English notebook
or something.
Yeah. I think it was
an excuse just to come by.
Ah. Hormones and all of that.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
They might be gone a while.
I just, um...
...if you, if you want
to come inside. [clears throat]
-Why not?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-O-- okay. Um...
Watch your step.
[sighs]
Make yourself at home.
[upbeat music over speakers]
Do you want a beer?
-I am fine with this if you are.
-[laughs]
Um, yes.
Very much so. [chuckles]
-This is wild. [chuckles]
-What is it?
I just never thought
I would be getting high
with one of my old teachers.
-Old?
-[gasps] No, I didn't,
I didn't mean like that.
I just mean like--
I never thought
you'd end up being a cop.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. I just...
You always seemed
a bit too... open minded.
At least to get stuck
around here.
I'm not stuck.
Everyone's still here is stuck.
I'm guessing these aren't yours.
Uh, no.
Those are my dad's.
Phil's read them although, so
they might as well be his now.
"The molecular response
to non-dimensional...
-[laughs]
-...tubular optics
and their effect
on postmodern orbital theories."
-I knew he was smart,
but damn...
-[laughs]
Is this...
-Oh, let's... Let's not--
-[inaudible]
-[groans]
-This is from
when you graduated, right?
-Oh, my God. I remember
how pissed they were.
-[laughs]
-It's got to be in here.
-I really hope it's not.
-[chuckles]
-It has to be in here
somewhere here.
[Hunter]
Oh.
[Annalise gasps]
Oh, my God.
[chuckles]
It's better than I remembered.
-Does young and stupid
count as a good excuse?
-[both chuckle]
-If you ignore my nerd glasses--
-Oh, yeah, um, I don't
think that's this year.
-[Annalise chuckles]
-No, it--
-Oh.
-[laughs]
-Did someone have
a little crush on teacher?
-F-- whatever.
Bobby Lutz drew that.
So, like, whatever...
Liar.
-[coughs]
-[both chuckle]
Oh, um...
I don't want my daughter
to smell the weed on you,
so let's, uh, go for a walk?
Yes.
Um... yeah, okay.
Dude, wait up.
Fuck!
Let it out.
Fuck.
Cock.
I'm sorry. I'm just
in a really shitty mood.
Wait. Really? I couldn't tell.
Shut up.
-Do you want me
to leave you alone?
-No. I am okay.
Do you want to go watch homeless
people have sex on the beach?
I guess.
All right,
Then come on, Debbie Downer.
[crabs screech]
[muted]
[panting]
Our friends is food
for the ocean demon.
What the fuck did he just say?
[speaks unintelligibly]
I says American children is
yum-yum for the...
[unintelligible]
-Are you all right?
-Please I is needing of alcohol.
-How old are you?
-Radu?
No, Radu is
twenty-one years of age.
-Legal drinking for
the United States government.
-I smell a lie.
I smell you was dirty poop hole.
-Bullshit.
-[spits]
Get the hell out of my bar
-before I call the sheriff.
-Yes.
Yes, call the law enforcement,
please. Yes.
Man, don't make me get up
and kick your ass.
-Yeah, okay. Okay.
-You need to leave.
All right. Be it so.
But if Radu die tonight,
the blood of Radu
is on your wet hands.
-Wet Radu blood.
-Get out.
[man]
Get the fuck out of here.
Boy, we get all kinds, huh?
[groans]
Curse you. Curse you
and your many children.
-Hey!
-[gasps]
What was that?
-[screeching]
-[thudding]
[Maddy] Did you try adding
a defibrillating layer
to the inner knee shock module?
[Phil]
The legs keep breaking around
the inception point anchor.
-I don't think adding it--
-Exactly.
The defib would help control
the force output
and stop the Clustergram
from overloading.
-Would that really work?
-Yeah, I'm genius. Remember?
[panting] Fuck.
Thank God, you Jesus fuckers.
We are needing to be running.
Radu is flesh from attack.
Listen to Radu
and do this shit, okay?
'Cause we are
about to go poofed out.
-Wait. What?
-Call number
for American Imperial Forces.
-Who is attacking you?
-Piss off, Radu.
Don't encourage him.
Shut your dirty chair face.
I am trying
to help you right now.
I run to you. I give you a tip
and you tell me to piss off.
Why people say
to piss off to Radu?
I warned about the ocean Demon
and, no, "Just piss off, Radu."
[screams]
Radu is sick of America.
[glass shatters]
[crab screeching]
We are going to die.
It's kind of cute.
[chuckles]
-Monster that eats skin is cute?
-Hey, Maddy, please be careful.
Guys, come check this out.
[crabs screeching]
[sighs] I can taste clouds.
[suspenseful music]
-Hey there, little guy.
-[crab screeching]
What exactly are you?
[Radu]
Oh, your face is about to go.
Bye-bye.
-Well, poor thing is injured.
-[Radu] Kill it with fire.
-Kill it.
-You guys are scaring it.
-[crab screeching]
-[Radu] Fucking kill it.
Don't be afraid.
Game over.
-Radu?
-[mumbles]
I'm not gonna hurt you.
There you go.
Come on.
Come on. [breaths heavily]
[gasps]
[gasping and whimpering]
[cheering]
Madeline,
slaughter are your demons.
She has the magic thoughts.
When this shit
start hitting the fan,
Radu is putting his last
[unintelligible] on the girl.
What the hell did I just see?
Radu, you should go home.
[sighs]
[Maddy]
I hope you find your friends.
Okay, bye.
[both laugh]
Great.
You want me to help
[inaudible] from the dance?
-Seriously.
-Come on. It'll be really fun.
Let me check my calendar.
-You don't have a calendar.
-Hmm.
-[both chuckle]
-See, I think I can move
-some things around
and squeeze you in.
-Oh, really?
-Uh-oh.
-Oh.
-[Hunter clears throat]
-Hi, sweetie cakes.
Oh, Philip, are you
excited about the dance?
-You already told your mom?
-Oh, don't read into it.
-Ready, Mom?
-Sure, sweaty cake.
-Got lots of papers to grade.
-Goodnight, Maddy.
Good tonight.
-[sighs]
-Good night, Mrs. Menrath.
-It's Miss Menrath.
-Mama, ew.
-Mom.
-Yeah.
I need your help with something
really important.
What? Anything,
my obnoxiously cryptic daughter.
-You're freaking me out
a little.
-Okay.
Come on.
[light suspenseful music]
Mom, duck, don't be dumb.
Don't talk to your mother
like that.
[Maddy]
Don't hit your daughter
like that.
-[Annalise] Where are we going?
-Shush.
-Are we playing a game?
-No.
-[Annalise]
I think that is locked.
-Oh, is it now?
[hinge creaks]
-[Maddy] Ye of little faith.
-What?
Honey, where
did you get that key?
I borrowed it.
-Come on.
-If I wasn't aggressively high
right now,
you would be grounded.
-But is this
a mini nuclear reactor?
-Mom, don't touch that.
-I--
-Just don't touch anything.
-Is that even legal?
-Mom, we have work to do.
These legs aren't
gonna build themselves.
You are Poseidon's mistake.
Did you know that?
Poseidon, he wake up
every morning
and he looked at you
and say, "I fuck up."
You know,
know that Radu is ninja.
[grunting]
You are dead and I'm a ninja.
You look like
my grandmother's neck.
You killed my friend.
Why did you do that?
You have more legs than you
need, you greedy piece of shit.
You think you're tough
because you have spine
and you have the tail?
You know who else
have spine and tail? Bitches.
Radu is warrior, and
he's not afraid of you no more.
Going to cut you up
into little pieces.
I'm going to cook you and make
a stew and then throw it out
because orphans
don't want to eat you.
Radu is so...
[exhales]
Fuck you. Radu.
Fuck you.
-[retches]
-What?
[whimpering] Oh,
this is not okay.
What the fuck is that?
[growling]
[tense music]
[crab roaring]
Sweet Mary Jane
you've been good to me
At least my mind set me free
Got a line in the water
with nothing to do
Just growing my own
and smoking it too
[chuckles]
Just growing my own
and smoking it too
[chuckles]
It's a hit.
[crabs growling]
[knock at door]
[Hunter]
Hey, dude, you almost ready?
Yeah, I'm getting there.
-Do you need any help?
-No, no, I got it.
-Here, let me help you.
-Okay.
[groans]
Oh, uh, your lady friend left
you a little present outside.
-Oh, yeah?
-Mm-hmm. I'll give you a hint.
[chuckles]
It's not a bag of dog poop.
-[laughs] Come on.
That was funny.
-It was terrible.
-That was fun.
-That was awful.
[rock music]
[coughing]
[electronic whirring]
Hey, you're gonna do great.
Thanks, Hunter.
[clears throat] Okay.
Wish me luck, [unintelligible]
Here's a hint.
Go find your date.
[electronic whirring]
[romantic music]
-Hey... Hunter said. Your mom--
-Oh, deserves partial credit.
I'm the brains
behind the operation.
Thank you, Maddy.
[chuckles softly]
-You're tall...
-[laughs]
So, what was
that about 'two left feet'?
[both chuckle]
[electronic whirring]
No, not like that.
Here, try like this.
Oh, sorry.
For what?
I stepped on your foot.
So? I can't feel anything.
I'm gonna like dancing with you.
[romantic music muffled]
[crabs screeching]
Oh, hello?
[crab screeching]
Annalise?
[distant banging]
[crab screeching]
Annalise?
[suspenseful music]
[exhales]
[screeching]
Hello?
[screeching]
Ha.
[growling]
Whoa, whoa! Okay. Not cool.
What the hell?
-Oh! Fiddlesticks!
-Hunter.
-Hi. Sorry. Um--
-Were you? Did you...
-Did you just follow me
to the bathroom?
-Yeah.
You did?
What? No.
I, um...
-Sorry. Did you see that thing?
-What thing?
Like, uh,
like a badger or, or something?
-Badger?
-[sighs]
Sorry, never mind. I...
[chuckles] Hi. Again.
I, I, I saw you leave and
I just want to come and say...
Nice pink shirt.
Oh, God, you think it's stupid,
don't you?
No way. I, it looks really...
It's pink. It, it's very pink.
I... Oh.
-Uh,
-Sh-- should we head back
to the gym and...
[clears throat] chaperone?
Yes.
Right.
I... [chuckles] I am...
-Where's the gym again?
-[laughs]
Come on.
[upbeat music]
Oh. Holy cow, looks so happy.
All right, come on.
I can't let that boy show me up.
-Come on?
-Let's dance.
["What I Like" by Con Bro Chill]
-Let's go.
-Okay.
Like what I see
I know what I need
Looking at her
Looking at me
You're turning away
like you're gonna leave
I already saw
what I needed to see
You closed the door
Won't let me in
but I can tell
Broke through that shell
this ain't the end
She's taking off
But she's on track
Just give it time
you do your thing
Oh, you'll be back back back
I shoot hands in the air
Long hair, don't care
let me stare
I will take you out tonight
'Cause I know what I like
I shoot hands in the air
Long hair, don't care,
let me stare
I will take you out tonight
'Cause I know what I like
La, la, la, la, la
la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
["What I Like" by Con Bro Chill
continues muffled]
[growling]
Oh, you can tell
broke through that shell
There is no end
She's turning on
She saw the track...
[electronic music]
[cheering]
[growls]
[screeching]
-[growls]
-[groans]
[body thuds]
[music stops]
[crab screeching]
[tense music]
-[growls]
-[gasp]
[Hunter]
That's the thing I saw before
-Uh?
-In the hallway.
[growling]
Shit.
[background screams]
[dramatic music]
Come on,
everybody head for the door.
Back, back.
[screaming]
Shit. Back!
Come back. Come back.
Maddy, look out!
[crab squeals]
[wet thud]
[buzzer blares]
-You okay?
-Yeah.
[tense music]
-Oh!
-[body thuds]
[screeching]
[wet stabbing]
[electronic music]
[screeching]
[splattering]
[screaming]
[electronic whirring]
-Come on, move your asses.
-Hunter, look out.
[gasps]
[both sigh]
-Phil, I'm glad you're right.
-Hunter.
Guys. Did we do it?
[Maddy]
I can't believe Radu was right.
[Phil]
I think they're dead.
[Hunter]
I think we did it.
I think it's all over.
They are all dead.
[rattling]
[electronic music stops]
[suspenseful music]
[roaring]
[Phil]
What the fuck is that?
Did it just molt?
[Hunter]
No, no, no.
What the fuck is that thing?
[roars]
[screaming]
-We got to get out.
-Go, go, go.
Go, Phil, go.
Maddy, check the doors.
-[Phil] The gears are locked.
-It's locked.
-[Hunter] Let's go, buddy.
You're almost there.
-They're malfunctioning.
Hunter, they're locking up.
I can't run.
[groans]
[body thuds]
-[Phil groans]
-Phil. Let me help.
-[Hunter] I got him.
I got him. Go.
-Guys, I found one.
-[Phil] Damn, fucking wheel.
-Phil, what kind
of space bumper is this?
-Look out!
-Shit.
[growling]
Hunter, just go.
It's okay.
-Go now!
-Hunter!
Damn it! Get out of here!
[growling]
-Don't be stupid! Run!
-Get Phil!
-No! Hunter, no.
-[grunts]
[roars]
[screams]
-[gasps]
-[pants]
[dramatic music]
Thanks for that.
[grunts]
-[grunts]
-Thanks, Radu.
Where'd you get the sword?
Who does not have
a ninja sword? [laughs]
-Come on. We gotta go.
-Okay, come on, let's go.
-[Phil] Maddy,
don't forget the Clustergram.
-Two steps ahead of you.
-[Hunter] Maddy,
get me that chair over there.
-Got it.
-Here.
-[Radu] I'm so glad
you're not dead with the others.
-Radu, what the hell
is going on?
-Here's to Radu.
He has been
on frontline fighting war
-mother fuck on ocean demons.
-What are these things?
-My guess is some unknown
species of Limulidae.
-What's a Limuli-- like, what?
Look, they're called
horseshoe crabs, and they've
been totally harmless
for the last four
hundred and fifty million years.
Until today, apparently.
I, I'm no expert, but I've never
seen a six foot tall crab.
These are more closely related
to spiders or scorpions,
not crabs, so...
Well, I seriously doubt
these things are closely related
to jack or shit anymore.
Can we just move on?
Oh, Radu have attempt to escape.
But bridge to rest
of America is poof!
-No more.
-Miss Menrath, something's
wrong. This thing is really hot.
Yes, it keeps Radu
nice and toasty.
But arthropods are cold blooded.
Exactly. And that's
just the exoskeleton.
-Of course.
-Miss Menrath, do you still
have my Geiger counter?
-I was thinking the same thing.
-Radu glad we are on same page.
-Phil, what's a Geiger counter?
-It detects and measures
the amount of radiation,
and it's just a hunch.
But it might tell us
why this thing is hot.
[static noise]
-Oh.
-Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna get cancer, am I?
Well, I wouldn't touch it again.
No, no, no,
Radu do not get cancer. [spits]
Real talk. Radu now get cancer
-to grow or transform--
-[Phil] These measurements
are off the charts.
-What could have caused it
to be so irradiated?
-Uh...
These things wouldn't happen
to have an uncle, would they?
-Like the size of a jumbo jet?
-What do you mean, Hunter?
Flannigan and I found
a beached whale yesterday,
and it had a bite taken
out of it that was huge.
-Can you show us?
-Uh, yes. Um...
[suspenseful music]
[Hunter]
Looks like we have
three different types.
First, you've got the little
bastards that fucked up prom.
And then... Uh...
This one right here just
chased us down the hallway.
And then there's
the one that eats whales.
Something like that.
All the fucking no. Radu is out.
-We need to call the army.
-And tell them what?
That we're being attacked
by a man-eating crabs?
Oh, and by the way,
there's some giant Sea Monster
-out there as well.
-[Radu] Yes.
-Perfect plan.
-[sighs]
No, they is not believing,
are, are they?
[Annalise]
No, Radu, they is not believing.
So what do we do?
Hold on,
Hunter, bring me the projector.
Thank you. Okay. Um...
You said these Limuli--
-The damn crabs are ancient,
right?
-Right.
Okay, let's just assume
that the radiation
has caused them
to evolve for the first time
in millions of years,
that, that they are forced
to adapt to a new environment,
a radiated environment
that would make them, uh--
-Faster.
-Yes.
-Stronger.
-Leaner.
-Blue.
-No.
Wait. So these
perfectly adapted animals
are now supercharged
in attacking our town.
Yes. And what can stop
something so jacked up?
Another perfectly
evolved predator.
Yes, supercharged.
[crab roaring]
-Oh, shit.
Everybody, head [inaudible]
-Come on, Maddy.
-Come on. Let's go.
-Radu, let's go.
[roaring]
[explosions]
[rock music]
[screeching]
[roaring]
[growling]
[siren blaring]
[Maddy]
This is not good.
[Phil]
Mr. Norbert?
-[Maddy speaks inaudibly]
What the fuck?
[Radu]
Oh, there is them. Run!
Oh, he is going
to be the deadest.
[Radu speaks unintelligibly]
-So close.
-[Annalise] Get us safe
to your home.
[Radu gasps]
Oh, God.
[Phil]
We can't let this happen.
We have to stop them.
[Radu screaming]
Oh, they see us.
Go back to it,
oh, that's better.
-[glass shattering]
-[tires screech]
-Thank you. I have
to get out of here.
-[Hunter] Mr. Beckett.
Thank God, Jesus Christ
and all the saints
-and all the [inaudible]
-[Maddy] Mr. Beckett, look out.
-[roaring]
-[splash]
[Radu] And then I put
this song out of a tree stop
and the bird, bird say
-"You are the king."
-[Maddy] Radu, shh,
I'm trying to listen.
[man over radio inaudible]
Reports are coming in.
Fisherman all along the coast...
-[Hunter] Stay in the car.
-...ocean liner sized...
[Maddy]
Phil, is this crazy plan
even stand a chance?
It will work
if we build it together.
-Trust me.
-...and can we stop them?
-[Maddy] Okay. I trust you.
-These are the questions we're
still asking here at WSQK News.
-Next up,
Carol with the weather.
-[Carol] Um...
[Phil]
Come on. Come on. We have
a lot to do and not enough time.
...raining crabs.
Why are we still here?
[suspenseful music]
-[Hunter]
Here's the [inaudible].
-[Phil] Thanks.
Where are you going?
-I need to go
check on the sheriff.
-But, Hunter, I...
I need your help.
No...
...you don't.
[crow cawing]
[engine starting]
Come on.
He'll be okay.
Let's get inside.
Yeah.
Let's do this.
Radu cannot see.
Where is Radu?
[Maddy]
Phil, this place is amazing.
-[Radu] Radu give thanks.
-[Phil] Yeah. Thanks.
Okay.
[rock music]
Here's what we gotta do.
[Radu]
Oh, fuck.
Pirate ship.
-[whirrs]
-Oh.
-Radu, no, put that down.
-Eh.
Hell, yes.
Bang, bang. [laughs]
You are different.
Right here.
Um, Phillip.
-Here.
-Let's try it.
Just keep it there.
Aren't you supposed
to be a genius?
[unintelligible]
Okay, I got it.
-No. Uh-uh. No.
-Come right off.
Okay. Yeah.
Unlike your legs, my hands
have feeling in them, so...
I have feelings.
Faucet handle.
Speedometer.
It's looking great.
[rock music continues]
[whirring]
Success.
Much better.
-Radu.
-[whirring]
Propeller blade.
Flotation device.
Knot.
CB radio. Over and out.
Saw and...
...stuff.
[whirring]
Amorium Clustergram.
[rock music continues]
[somber music]
[siren wailing]
[crickets chirping]
Hey, Flannigan,
are you here, buddy?
Shit.
[grunts]
Sheriff.
[flies buzzing]
Oh, fuck.
[women moaning on TV]
[crab screeching]
Fuck you, you little crab.
[pants]
-[growling]
-Sherriff?
Flannigan, is that you?
[growling]
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
[screaming and groaning]
I am sorry, buddy.
-[thud]
-[groans]
I am sorry, Flannigan.
[thud]
[tense music]
[growls]
Let's fucking do this.
-[gasps]
-[groans]
[laughs]
I am sorry, Miss Menrath,
I, I give this to you
-as the, the present.
Do you know?
-Thank you.
This for the price of marriage
for your daughter.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
-It is done now.
No, she needs
more than a wrench.
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
-[roars]
-[gasp]
Shitty balls.
What was that?
Big bad crab monster?
-[growls]
-[screams]
[Radu]
Radu know his purpose.
Radu save females
and little robot boy from evil.
Radu, I'll be back.
Most likely scenario.
[growling]
[Radu]
Hey, bottom feeders.
What the fuck? No.
-[thuds]
-[splattering]
[panting]
[banging]
[glass shatters]
Smarty bitch.
[squeals]
[Radu screaming]
[buzzing]
[machine powering up]
That's everywhere.
-[panting]
-Come on. We gotta get outside.
-Where is Phil?
-Just go.
-[growling]
-Phil, get it now.
[machine powering up]
[squealing]
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
[footstep thumps]
[panting]
[sighs deeply]
What the fuck?
[unintelligible]
[unintelligible]
[laughs]
[epic music]
[footstep thumps]
Hey, turd licker.
[laughs]
You just fucked
with the wrong handicapable.
[suspenseful music]
[thumping]
[banging]
[Radu]
Oh!
-[Phil groans]
-Oh, no, he beat you
like uncle beat the dog.
[Maddy]
Kick that crab bitch's ass!
Make him your friend
and then backstab him.
Make him your friend
and then backstab him.
Back stab that bitch.
-Fucking cool violent.
-Come on.
-Philip.
-Come on.
Come on.
[beeping]
No, come on.
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
[hissing]
[groans]
[buzzing]
-Come on, Philip,
-It's okay.
-It's going to be a okay.
-Mom.
Philip, Philip, set
the victory out this shit hole.
All right.
Really? [panting]
Fuck.
Okay, All right.
Red to yellow, um...
Which damn wire is it?
I can get this right.
I wish Maddy was here.
[unintelligible]
[groans]
Okay. You think this is it?
Got it.
[grunting]
[upbeat electronic music]
[cheering]
-Yes. Yes, this is a good step.
-Yeah, that was awesome.
All right. Come on. Come on.
[growling]
Where did Philip get the sword?
Who doesn't have a ninja sword?
[chuckles]
[whimpering]
[roaring]
[Phil]
She looks pissed.
[tense music]
[Phil]
Oh, that's not good.
[scoffs] So it's like that, huh?
Okay.
Come on.
[video game music and sounds]
-[thud]
-[groans]
Let's play.
Friends.
[Phil groans]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Philip! Philip! Do like this!
-[Phil groaning]
-[crab monster laughs]
No. No. No, no, no.
[loud thud]
[groans]
-Philip. Mom.
-No, no, no. Be careful.
[growls]
[loud thud]
[panting and groaning]
[gentle music]
[roaring]
[horn honking]
[Hunter]
I got some drawn butter
in the trunk.
-And now I'm hungry.
-Hunter.
Don't mess with my little
brother, you ugly fuck!
[screaming]
Holy shit! [laughs]
[muted]
[tires screeching]
[explosion]
Oh! Yes.
-Yes! Yes!
-Yes! Yes!
-Come on! Punch it, Philip!
-Pun-- punch in the tit.
[chuckles]
Punch in the tit, Philip!
-Do it!
-Come on, Philip.
[groaning and panting]
You know, I'm getting really
tired of this shit.
Today was shaping up
to be the best day of my life.
Then your ugly ass showed up.
You're not going to take
that away from me?
Not some wheelchair,
not some damn crabs.
And definitely not you,
piece of shit.
This is my home and you
can just get the fuck out.
[energy powering up]
[cheering]
[Philip panting]
[cheers]
-[cheering]
-Come on. Let's go, let's go.
[loud thud]
[seagulls cawing]
[upbeat music]
[Hunter chuckles]
Holly shit.
You did that.
[gentle music]
[epic music]
[Maddy]
All right, Filibuster.
You are up.
Guys, we have arrived.
Walk us through this.
[Radu]
Hello, watchers
at the Crab Movie.
It is Radu,
the handsomeness lead character
of the movie film.
Producer man offer Radu
40 American dollar
to make song for the credits.
Let's to be doing it.
When it is to be midnight
And a moon bright as lamp
You hear scary monster noise
Like the grandma
but more damp
It could not be big werewolf
It could not be a big cat
Big, big claws
instead of the paws
You better run
and never to be looking back
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep, deep down below
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Are they nice? [laughs] No.
Better get big sword
and swing it fast
Then Philip going
to give it the laser blast
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
They look in kind of cute
when they're little
But they are gonna have
a big change
If they do the jump on you
Your face going to rearrange
They grow as big
as the grizzly
And they look
like ocean mold
If you don't stop them
super quick
They're gonna kill you
and your dirty shit hole
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep, deep down below
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Are they nice? [laughs]
Not, not, not really
Better shoot them
right dead in the face
Spread the blue blood
all over the place
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
Guitar solo.
[guitar playing]
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep under the sea
-You know, is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Growing through the size
Of a fuck damn tree
Better shoot them
right dead in the face
Spread the blue blood
all over the place
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
Crabs
[chuckles] Wow,
Radu is so talented.
All of the ladies is
to be loving him now.
[laughs]
Uh, maybe not.
[raven screeches]
[crab humming]
[crab]
Oh.
[upbeat music]
[explosions]
[woman moaning]
[crab screeching]
Oh, why are you stopping?
Keep it going. Keep it going.
-Wait! No, wait!
-Keep it going.
-Hold on. Sequoia, wait.
-Ah.
-What?
-What is that thing?
Uh... groovy little crab.
[chuckles]
Well, let him watch if he wants.
Whatever floats your boat,
little dude. [moans]
-Yeah, you know--
-Ah, what the fuck?
Yeah, yeah.
[light tense music]
-That's disgusting.
-Don't freak out.
It's dead. [scoffs]
Babe, you gotta
take a picture with this.
-No, I don't want to touch it.
-Come on. Just do it.
Hmm...
-Fine.
-Yeah.
-Just be quick.
-Okay.
Ugh.
[whispers] Wait for a second.
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Come on.
[camera beeps]
[screeches]
Babe, you better put that down.
[growls]
[groaning]
[crab laughs]
Ah, babe.
Come on, babe. Babe.
[groaning]
[thuds]
Hon, are you okay?
Babe?
I'm sorry.
[suspenseful music]
[crab screeching]
[growls]
[upbeat music]
Hey, watch it.
You are the fucking kids.
[laughs]
[Hunter]
Oh, come on!
Come on.
Fuck you, you little crab.
[inaudible] Sucker!
Ha-ha!
Oh, no, no, no shit.
[Flannigan]
Hey, Deputy.
Put your damn game down
and dig up over.
-[clears throat]
-[beeps]
-Sheriff, I'm here.
-[Flannigan] I'm about to swing
by Johnny B's
and pick your brother up.
-Do you want anything?
-Same for me.
Hey, Mr. West?
Hey, Mr. West.
Oh, no, Mr. West.
Oh, not again.
Damn it! Mr. West,
I did a breakfast burrito.
Please slow down.
[rock music]
[sighs] Damn it, Hunter!
[sad instrumental music]
Maddy, would you
mind taking that down?
-[clicks tongue]
-Thank you.
[Maddy]
De nada.
[groans softly]
[exhales]
-Hay, Maddy...
-[blows a raspberry]
...remember that thing
I was telling you about?
Yes, is that it?
Ah!
Do you want to try it out?
-Let's do it.
-Good.
This changes everything, Maddy.
All my effort is
finally going to pay off.
-[Maddy] Our effort.
-You know, that's what I meant.
-Do you really think it'll work?
-[sighs] It better.
I had to convince Flannigan
to bribe four customs agents
just to get it into the country.
-Uh... really?
-Oh, yeah.
See what's in this box
could theoretically fuel
a military grade giant robot,
ten stories tall for weeks.
[Maddy]
Phil, just in case
it doesn't work.
You know, life will
go on either way. Right?
-Whether you're able to walk--
-It'll work.
-Trust me.
-I do. I'm just saying.
Don't forget,
you always have two left feet.
-Hey, Maddy.
Would you mind, um...
-Oh. You want them?
-Yeah.
-You want them?
-Yes.
-Then stand up and get them.
-That's not cool.
-[laughs]
-Thanks.
-No, problemo.
It does see a shit
in here, Phil.
[Phil]
Yeah, it's a barn.
[computer beeping]
[Phil]
I hope you're ready for this.
Oh. Get this.
It is only mapped
to my thumbprint.
[electrical chiming]
-Whoa.
-There we go.
Wow.
[whispers] All right. Oh.
Amorium Clustergram.
In all of her beauty.
Ready?
Okay.
[electronic warbling]
Yeah!
[both gasping]
-Bloody Barton Jesus!
-[Maddy] Flannigan.
What the hell was that, Phil?
Damn near blew
my nuts off. [laughs]
-Not like you get much use
out of them anymore.
-Yeah, now,
it's that's a nice thank you
for me bringing you supper.
-Oh, thanks.
-Hi, Flannigan.
Maddy, man, you're not
encouraging him now, are you?
Says the man who helped him
procure the damn thing. [scoffs]
-Is that what that was?
-Maybe.
Hey, how come why don't we
just use your old man's shop
instead of holding yourself up
in your little cubby, huh?
I have everything
I need in my cubby.
[sad music]
[Flannigan]
Well, I'm just saying
it's a shame
to let all that stuff go unused.
Doesn't matter. Hunter's
gonna sell it all anyway.
[Flannigan] You might oughta
patch that hole up though
before your brother gets back.
Oh, you're fucked.
-Howdy, partner?
-[car door closes]
-Sheriff.
-[paper rustling]
Phil, will you quit ripping up
the damn signs?
I'm not.
You're not?
Then who is?
-Maddy.
-Hey, you told me to.
You know, we can't afford
to keep this place.
Take it easy, Deputy.
-Yeah.
-[Marjorie] All available units.
We have a 19-243
down on Lunar Beach.
What? A 19-243?
That's a cat in a tree.
[chuckles]
Marjorie,
we've talked about this.
Nobody else is
on these channels.
So stop using
the freaking codes.
Ain't got time for it.
[Marjorie]
Sorry, Sheriff.
A dead whale washed up
with a nasty slice in its belly.
Bunch of folks called it
and they all freaked out.
Cat in the tree, huh?
-Let's roll that, Deputy!
-Phil, please go hang this up.
[car engine starts]
You okay?
Yeah, I am okay.
See you tomorrow.
Sure.
Not like we had plans
or anything.
[dramatic music]
[Flannigan]
That is one big ass
dead mother fucking whale.
Smells like fresh asshole, too.
[coughs]
All right. Sure as hell
wasn't no shark done that.
Yeah, I'm guessing not.
[seagulls cawing]
[Flannigan]
Giant squid, maybe.
Those aren't real.
Are they?
How the fuck would I know?
Look like a guy
who knows jack about fish.
Fish sticks maybe.
I've been working out.
[light suspenseful music]
I'm gonna poke it with a stick.
-Hey, don't be poking it
with the stick.
-It's a scientific observation.
-I saw it in the movie.
-Don't be poking and shit.
-You know what I think did it?
-What?
Aliens...
...for sure.
The truth is...
...something's out there.
That's for damn sure.
[suspenseful music]
-This thing stinks.
-Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, I'll buy you some
fish sticks for lunch.
-No.
[upbeat music]
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[hums]
[inaudible]
[knock on door]
Yeah?
-It's me.
-Don't come in.
I'm jerking off.
[laughs] Shut up,
I am coming in.
[sighs]
Can I help you?
-Breakfast pizza?
-Gross.
So, dude, uh, what the hell
happened to the door?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Don't be difficult.
Just fix it, Okay?
Right.
Good talk, Phil.
[dramatic music]
[moans softly]
Ugh.
[spits] Um, that is gross.
Well.
[spits]
[suspenseful music]
[crab screeching]
[electronic music]
-What's up? It's late.
-Hey, Maddy.
-I'm sorry I got--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
My only demand
is unquestionable rights
to the movie choice next week.
-Okay, but I refused to watch--
-Uh-uh, no, no, no.
No exceptions.
Fine.
You know,
you can wait for me at the top,
-like, I can do this myself.
-Hmm.
Pushing your lazy ass around is
the only workout I can handle.
Seriously, fuck running.
[Annalise]
Next.
[wet sloshing]
[soft music]
[water dripping]
Next.
No heads-up this morning?
Oh, hey, we're going to be
playing with dead things today.
Maybe don't wear
your favorite shirt.
-No?
-[chuckles]
-Thanks, Mom.
-Have fun.
All right. Now everyone has
one specimen for group, right?
-[exhales]
-[Annalise] If you look
at the diagram
in your lab packet,
you'll see the instructions...
It's a... [clears throat] a
mighty fine pussy you got there.
-Ew!
-I am so sorry.
That was... That was awful.
Oh, please be careful
with the scalpel
-and make sure
you pin down the--
-[retches]
-[coughing]
-Oh, Radu.
I thought you were going
to warn me next time.
I, I am sorry, Miss Menrath,
but these things,
I mean, I cannot.
The, the garbage
is three feet away.
You used to think he was cute.
Aw.
Is someone feeling jealous?
-[mimics meow]
-Well, you know where
the health office is. Come on.
Leave it.
[sighs]
Feel better, all right.
[sighs] Thanks, Mindy.
[sighs] What's going over here?
Fine, Mom. Go away!
Hush, daughter. Maybe
I wanted to talk to McCalister.
Oh, if this is about
the Geiger counter incident, I--
Oh, no, no, no.
I see that you didn't sign
the registration sheet
for the dance yet.
-And I know Maddy doesn't--
-Mama.
Ferme la bouche.
Seriously, go away.
Alright, Fine.
Get over yourself.
[upbeat music]
-[laughs]
-[bell rings]
What up, Filibuster?
[stutters] I got
to ask you something.
Good after lunch time,
my classmates Philip.
-Hi, Radu.
-Hey! Good after lunchtime
to you too Madeleine.
I am have begging your pardon,
but Radu is in this time
not having a lady partner
for the disco evening
in days coming, uh,
Radu have asked many
of my classmates
and have many female classmates
said to Radu, "No way."
Thanks, Radu.
But I already have a date.
-You do?
-Yes, you.
[Radu]
But he cannot walk.
[laughing]
Uh... but then serious,
this fellow cannot
for the life of him,
this go simple, hokey-pokey.
You'd be surprised.
[upbeat music]
You smell like a mermaid.
America.
[suspenseful music]
[seagulls cawing]
This is super fucked up.
Stop messing
with the evidence, Deputy.
I was just... [sighs]
Sorry, sir.
-Well...
-[sighs]
...goes that way.
Shall we?
What do you think
could've done it?
Well...
-I think it's a seal.
-A what?
-A seal.
-If it was a seal,
there'd be flapper tracks.
Yeah. I guess that's right.
Maybe covered them up, though.
I hear they're
highly intelligent.
[Fannigan]
Ever heard of a man eating seal?
[Hunter]
Don't rule it out. I heard
they can be vicious, man.
[Flannigan]
Think again, dumb ass.
[Hunter]
Okay. All right, fine.
I'll drop this.
Watch your step.
-Tide hasn't washed away
the blood yet.
-Yeah.
All right, then...
...get on up in there.
I'll cover you from back here.
[clears throat] Fine.
[sighs]
[tense music]
[suspenseful music]
[water dripping]
Ah. Fuck!
What the fuck?
Oh, God. What the fuck is this?
[gasps]
Excuse me.
Miss?
Miss, you all right?
-Miss.
-[crying]
Excuse me, Miss.
Crabs!
[whispering] Crabs.
[screams] Sheriff?
[screams] Sheriff?
[Radu]
And then his mother
shook the goat and said to Radu,
"Radu, now you must clean
father's dirty hole." [laughs]
Can friends guess
what Radu do after this?
What the fuck you
talking about, dude?
The question I was asking is
what do Radu do and choose
after his mother said to Radu,
[mimics his mother]
"Radu, you put the goat
back in the goat house.
Are you cleaning the dirty
hole of the father?"
-Dude, why do we invite him?
-Come on. He's funny.
Ew.
-[boy 1] Shrooms?
-Sweets?
-Something like that.
-Here.
[reggae music over speakers]
oh, my boy, my boy.
-[screeching]
-[clattering]
-What was that?
-Do not be afraid.
His only badger,
Radu, good fight.
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
[growls]
He's not badger.
-[screeches]
-[screaming]
[Radu unintelligible]
-Holy fuck.
-[screaming]
[groaning]
[groans] Mommy!
[both boys screaming]
[groaning]
[knocks]
[Phil]
Hey, Maddy, come on in.
Door's open.
-Hey, Phil.
-Uh.
Hey, I'll,
I'll fix the door tomorrow.
Whoa.
Did you build all these?
Yes, I did.
[clatters]
[whistles]
-What you're working on?
-The same old stuff.
Can I see?
[clears throat]
Problem with my last iteration
was that I neglected to take
into account the increase
in power consumption
when I changed out
the radio carbine undulator
with the new Kanako brand.
Lux pistons that I got
from that Korean website.
But then I got this.
A fancy D battery.
Hey! Whoa.
That's like comparing
a firework to an atom bomb.
Now this it's
the Amorium Clustergram,
piece of tech
way ahead of its time.
This thing can rapidly
convert joules of energy
into bit fueled
streams of particles.
Phil, you know I don't speak
nerd. English. Please.
[Phil]
Careful. Grab the legs.
-[Hunter] Okay.
-Okay. Yeah.
Now that...
-Nice and tight, Nice and tight.
-[groans]
-Hunter, that's not my leg.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Now what?
-Uh, well, pass me
the Amorium Clustergram
The shiny dude.
Oh, yeah, it's... Yeah.
Okay.
-You know the hole in the door?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I would take a step back.
-Aah--
-This shit is for real.
-Phil, you know,
maybe we shouldn't--
-[unintelligible]
-Seriously, Phil.
Just stop, okay?
-And to right...
-[electricity crackles]
-Oh, God. Careful.
Are you okay, Phil?
-I'm good. Good.
-Here, let me here--
-No. Don't.
I need to do it myself.
-Okay. Okay.
[groans]
[electronic whirring]
-Can I, can I just help?
-No, just...
[gentle music]
[laughs] Oh, my God.
-Phil!
-It's working.
-I can't believe it.
-Easy, okay, okay.
-Baby steps, baby steps,
baby steps
-I am walking.
I'm walking.
[electricity crackles]
-[body thuds]
-Phil!
-Calm down.
-Stop. Fuck.
-Stop.
-Fine. Okay, okay.
Fine, I'm sorry.
[Hunter]
Hey, come on. At least
you didn't blow your leg off.
Phil, come back. Philip.
[car brakes squeals]
[Maddy]
Philip?
Where's he going?
-I don't know.
-I'll be right back.
-We'll be here.
-[Maddy] Phil,
hey, Phil, wait up!
Deputy...
everything under control?
-Obviously.
-Sorry, this was a bad time.
She told me that she borrowed
his English notebook
or something.
Yeah. I think it was
an excuse just to come by.
Ah. Hormones and all of that.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
They might be gone a while.
I just, um...
...if you, if you want
to come inside. [clears throat]
-Why not?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-O-- okay. Um...
Watch your step.
[sighs]
Make yourself at home.
[upbeat music over speakers]
Do you want a beer?
-I am fine with this if you are.
-[laughs]
Um, yes.
Very much so. [chuckles]
-This is wild. [chuckles]
-What is it?
I just never thought
I would be getting high
with one of my old teachers.
-Old?
-[gasps] No, I didn't,
I didn't mean like that.
I just mean like--
I never thought
you'd end up being a cop.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. I just...
You always seemed
a bit too... open minded.
At least to get stuck
around here.
I'm not stuck.
Everyone's still here is stuck.
I'm guessing these aren't yours.
Uh, no.
Those are my dad's.
Phil's read them although, so
they might as well be his now.
"The molecular response
to non-dimensional...
-[laughs]
-...tubular optics
and their effect
on postmodern orbital theories."
-I knew he was smart,
but damn...
-[laughs]
Is this...
-Oh, let's... Let's not--
-[inaudible]
-[groans]
-This is from
when you graduated, right?
-Oh, my God. I remember
how pissed they were.
-[laughs]
-It's got to be in here.
-I really hope it's not.
-[chuckles]
-It has to be in here
somewhere here.
[Hunter]
Oh.
[Annalise gasps]
Oh, my God.
[chuckles]
It's better than I remembered.
-Does young and stupid
count as a good excuse?
-[both chuckle]
-If you ignore my nerd glasses--
-Oh, yeah, um, I don't
think that's this year.
-[Annalise chuckles]
-No, it--
-Oh.
-[laughs]
-Did someone have
a little crush on teacher?
-F-- whatever.
Bobby Lutz drew that.
So, like, whatever...
Liar.
-[coughs]
-[both chuckle]
Oh, um...
I don't want my daughter
to smell the weed on you,
so let's, uh, go for a walk?
Yes.
Um... yeah, okay.
Dude, wait up.
Fuck!
Let it out.
Fuck.
Cock.
I'm sorry. I'm just
in a really shitty mood.
Wait. Really? I couldn't tell.
Shut up.
-Do you want me
to leave you alone?
-No. I am okay.
Do you want to go watch homeless
people have sex on the beach?
I guess.
All right,
Then come on, Debbie Downer.
[crabs screech]
[muted]
[panting]
Our friends is food
for the ocean demon.
What the fuck did he just say?
[speaks unintelligibly]
I says American children is
yum-yum for the...
[unintelligible]
-Are you all right?
-Please I is needing of alcohol.
-How old are you?
-Radu?
No, Radu is
twenty-one years of age.
-Legal drinking for
the United States government.
-I smell a lie.
I smell you was dirty poop hole.
-Bullshit.
-[spits]
Get the hell out of my bar
-before I call the sheriff.
-Yes.
Yes, call the law enforcement,
please. Yes.
Man, don't make me get up
and kick your ass.
-Yeah, okay. Okay.
-You need to leave.
All right. Be it so.
But if Radu die tonight,
the blood of Radu
is on your wet hands.
-Wet Radu blood.
-Get out.
[man]
Get the fuck out of here.
Boy, we get all kinds, huh?
[groans]
Curse you. Curse you
and your many children.
-Hey!
-[gasps]
What was that?
-[screeching]
-[thudding]
[Maddy] Did you try adding
a defibrillating layer
to the inner knee shock module?
[Phil]
The legs keep breaking around
the inception point anchor.
-I don't think adding it--
-Exactly.
The defib would help control
the force output
and stop the Clustergram
from overloading.
-Would that really work?
-Yeah, I'm genius. Remember?
[panting] Fuck.
Thank God, you Jesus fuckers.
We are needing to be running.
Radu is flesh from attack.
Listen to Radu
and do this shit, okay?
'Cause we are
about to go poofed out.
-Wait. What?
-Call number
for American Imperial Forces.
-Who is attacking you?
-Piss off, Radu.
Don't encourage him.
Shut your dirty chair face.
I am trying
to help you right now.
I run to you. I give you a tip
and you tell me to piss off.
Why people say
to piss off to Radu?
I warned about the ocean Demon
and, no, "Just piss off, Radu."
[screams]
Radu is sick of America.
[glass shatters]
[crab screeching]
We are going to die.
It's kind of cute.
[chuckles]
-Monster that eats skin is cute?
-Hey, Maddy, please be careful.
Guys, come check this out.
[crabs screeching]
[sighs] I can taste clouds.
[suspenseful music]
-Hey there, little guy.
-[crab screeching]
What exactly are you?
[Radu]
Oh, your face is about to go.
Bye-bye.
-Well, poor thing is injured.
-[Radu] Kill it with fire.
-Kill it.
-You guys are scaring it.
-[crab screeching]
-[Radu] Fucking kill it.
Don't be afraid.
Game over.
-Radu?
-[mumbles]
I'm not gonna hurt you.
There you go.
Come on.
Come on. [breaths heavily]
[gasps]
[gasping and whimpering]
[cheering]
Madeline,
slaughter are your demons.
She has the magic thoughts.
When this shit
start hitting the fan,
Radu is putting his last
[unintelligible] on the girl.
What the hell did I just see?
Radu, you should go home.
[sighs]
[Maddy]
I hope you find your friends.
Okay, bye.
[both laugh]
Great.
You want me to help
[inaudible] from the dance?
-Seriously.
-Come on. It'll be really fun.
Let me check my calendar.
-You don't have a calendar.
-Hmm.
-[both chuckle]
-See, I think I can move
-some things around
and squeeze you in.
-Oh, really?
-Uh-oh.
-Oh.
-[Hunter clears throat]
-Hi, sweetie cakes.
Oh, Philip, are you
excited about the dance?
-You already told your mom?
-Oh, don't read into it.
-Ready, Mom?
-Sure, sweaty cake.
-Got lots of papers to grade.
-Goodnight, Maddy.
Good tonight.
-[sighs]
-Good night, Mrs. Menrath.
-It's Miss Menrath.
-Mama, ew.
-Mom.
-Yeah.
I need your help with something
really important.
What? Anything,
my obnoxiously cryptic daughter.
-You're freaking me out
a little.
-Okay.
Come on.
[light suspenseful music]
Mom, duck, don't be dumb.
Don't talk to your mother
like that.
[Maddy]
Don't hit your daughter
like that.
-[Annalise] Where are we going?
-Shush.
-Are we playing a game?
-No.
-[Annalise]
I think that is locked.
-Oh, is it now?
[hinge creaks]
-[Maddy] Ye of little faith.
-What?
Honey, where
did you get that key?
I borrowed it.
-Come on.
-If I wasn't aggressively high
right now,
you would be grounded.
-But is this
a mini nuclear reactor?
-Mom, don't touch that.
-I--
-Just don't touch anything.
-Is that even legal?
-Mom, we have work to do.
These legs aren't
gonna build themselves.
You are Poseidon's mistake.
Did you know that?
Poseidon, he wake up
every morning
and he looked at you
and say, "I fuck up."
You know,
know that Radu is ninja.
[grunting]
You are dead and I'm a ninja.
You look like
my grandmother's neck.
You killed my friend.
Why did you do that?
You have more legs than you
need, you greedy piece of shit.
You think you're tough
because you have spine
and you have the tail?
You know who else
have spine and tail? Bitches.
Radu is warrior, and
he's not afraid of you no more.
Going to cut you up
into little pieces.
I'm going to cook you and make
a stew and then throw it out
because orphans
don't want to eat you.
Radu is so...
[exhales]
Fuck you. Radu.
Fuck you.
-[retches]
-What?
[whimpering] Oh,
this is not okay.
What the fuck is that?
[growling]
[tense music]
[crab roaring]
Sweet Mary Jane
you've been good to me
At least my mind set me free
Got a line in the water
with nothing to do
Just growing my own
and smoking it too
[chuckles]
Just growing my own
and smoking it too
[chuckles]
It's a hit.
[crabs growling]
[knock at door]
[Hunter]
Hey, dude, you almost ready?
Yeah, I'm getting there.
-Do you need any help?
-No, no, I got it.
-Here, let me help you.
-Okay.
[groans]
Oh, uh, your lady friend left
you a little present outside.
-Oh, yeah?
-Mm-hmm. I'll give you a hint.
[chuckles]
It's not a bag of dog poop.
-[laughs] Come on.
That was funny.
-It was terrible.
-That was fun.
-That was awful.
[rock music]
[coughing]
[electronic whirring]
Hey, you're gonna do great.
Thanks, Hunter.
[clears throat] Okay.
Wish me luck, [unintelligible]
Here's a hint.
Go find your date.
[electronic whirring]
[romantic music]
-Hey... Hunter said. Your mom--
-Oh, deserves partial credit.
I'm the brains
behind the operation.
Thank you, Maddy.
[chuckles softly]
-You're tall...
-[laughs]
So, what was
that about 'two left feet'?
[both chuckle]
[electronic whirring]
No, not like that.
Here, try like this.
Oh, sorry.
For what?
I stepped on your foot.
So? I can't feel anything.
I'm gonna like dancing with you.
[romantic music muffled]
[crabs screeching]
Oh, hello?
[crab screeching]
Annalise?
[distant banging]
[crab screeching]
Annalise?
[suspenseful music]
[exhales]
[screeching]
Hello?
[screeching]
Ha.
[growling]
Whoa, whoa! Okay. Not cool.
What the hell?
-Oh! Fiddlesticks!
-Hunter.
-Hi. Sorry. Um--
-Were you? Did you...
-Did you just follow me
to the bathroom?
-Yeah.
You did?
What? No.
I, um...
-Sorry. Did you see that thing?
-What thing?
Like, uh,
like a badger or, or something?
-Badger?
-[sighs]
Sorry, never mind. I...
[chuckles] Hi. Again.
I, I, I saw you leave and
I just want to come and say...
Nice pink shirt.
Oh, God, you think it's stupid,
don't you?
No way. I, it looks really...
It's pink. It, it's very pink.
I... Oh.
-Uh,
-Sh-- should we head back
to the gym and...
[clears throat] chaperone?
Yes.
Right.
I... [chuckles] I am...
-Where's the gym again?
-[laughs]
Come on.
[upbeat music]
Oh. Holy cow, looks so happy.
All right, come on.
I can't let that boy show me up.
-Come on?
-Let's dance.
["What I Like" by Con Bro Chill]
-Let's go.
-Okay.
Like what I see
I know what I need
Looking at her
Looking at me
You're turning away
like you're gonna leave
I already saw
what I needed to see
You closed the door
Won't let me in
but I can tell
Broke through that shell
this ain't the end
She's taking off
But she's on track
Just give it time
you do your thing
Oh, you'll be back back back
I shoot hands in the air
Long hair, don't care
let me stare
I will take you out tonight
'Cause I know what I like
I shoot hands in the air
Long hair, don't care,
let me stare
I will take you out tonight
'Cause I know what I like
La, la, la, la, la
la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
["What I Like" by Con Bro Chill
continues muffled]
[growling]
Oh, you can tell
broke through that shell
There is no end
She's turning on
She saw the track...
[electronic music]
[cheering]
[growls]
[screeching]
-[growls]
-[groans]
[body thuds]
[music stops]
[crab screeching]
[tense music]
-[growls]
-[gasp]
[Hunter]
That's the thing I saw before
-Uh?
-In the hallway.
[growling]
Shit.
[background screams]
[dramatic music]
Come on,
everybody head for the door.
Back, back.
[screaming]
Shit. Back!
Come back. Come back.
Maddy, look out!
[crab squeals]
[wet thud]
[buzzer blares]
-You okay?
-Yeah.
[tense music]
-Oh!
-[body thuds]
[screeching]
[wet stabbing]
[electronic music]
[screeching]
[splattering]
[screaming]
[electronic whirring]
-Come on, move your asses.
-Hunter, look out.
[gasps]
[both sigh]
-Phil, I'm glad you're right.
-Hunter.
Guys. Did we do it?
[Maddy]
I can't believe Radu was right.
[Phil]
I think they're dead.
[Hunter]
I think we did it.
I think it's all over.
They are all dead.
[rattling]
[electronic music stops]
[suspenseful music]
[roaring]
[Phil]
What the fuck is that?
Did it just molt?
[Hunter]
No, no, no.
What the fuck is that thing?
[roars]
[screaming]
-We got to get out.
-Go, go, go.
Go, Phil, go.
Maddy, check the doors.
-[Phil] The gears are locked.
-It's locked.
-[Hunter] Let's go, buddy.
You're almost there.
-They're malfunctioning.
Hunter, they're locking up.
I can't run.
[groans]
[body thuds]
-[Phil groans]
-Phil. Let me help.
-[Hunter] I got him.
I got him. Go.
-Guys, I found one.
-[Phil] Damn, fucking wheel.
-Phil, what kind
of space bumper is this?
-Look out!
-Shit.
[growling]
Hunter, just go.
It's okay.
-Go now!
-Hunter!
Damn it! Get out of here!
[growling]
-Don't be stupid! Run!
-Get Phil!
-No! Hunter, no.
-[grunts]
[roars]
[screams]
-[gasps]
-[pants]
[dramatic music]
Thanks for that.
[grunts]
-[grunts]
-Thanks, Radu.
Where'd you get the sword?
Who does not have
a ninja sword? [laughs]
-Come on. We gotta go.
-Okay, come on, let's go.
-[Phil] Maddy,
don't forget the Clustergram.
-Two steps ahead of you.
-[Hunter] Maddy,
get me that chair over there.
-Got it.
-Here.
-[Radu] I'm so glad
you're not dead with the others.
-Radu, what the hell
is going on?
-Here's to Radu.
He has been
on frontline fighting war
-mother fuck on ocean demons.
-What are these things?
-My guess is some unknown
species of Limulidae.
-What's a Limuli-- like, what?
Look, they're called
horseshoe crabs, and they've
been totally harmless
for the last four
hundred and fifty million years.
Until today, apparently.
I, I'm no expert, but I've never
seen a six foot tall crab.
These are more closely related
to spiders or scorpions,
not crabs, so...
Well, I seriously doubt
these things are closely related
to jack or shit anymore.
Can we just move on?
Oh, Radu have attempt to escape.
But bridge to rest
of America is poof!
-No more.
-Miss Menrath, something's
wrong. This thing is really hot.
Yes, it keeps Radu
nice and toasty.
But arthropods are cold blooded.
Exactly. And that's
just the exoskeleton.
-Of course.
-Miss Menrath, do you still
have my Geiger counter?
-I was thinking the same thing.
-Radu glad we are on same page.
-Phil, what's a Geiger counter?
-It detects and measures
the amount of radiation,
and it's just a hunch.
But it might tell us
why this thing is hot.
[static noise]
-Oh.
-Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna get cancer, am I?
Well, I wouldn't touch it again.
No, no, no,
Radu do not get cancer. [spits]
Real talk. Radu now get cancer
-to grow or transform--
-[Phil] These measurements
are off the charts.
-What could have caused it
to be so irradiated?
-Uh...
These things wouldn't happen
to have an uncle, would they?
-Like the size of a jumbo jet?
-What do you mean, Hunter?
Flannigan and I found
a beached whale yesterday,
and it had a bite taken
out of it that was huge.
-Can you show us?
-Uh, yes. Um...
[suspenseful music]
[Hunter]
Looks like we have
three different types.
First, you've got the little
bastards that fucked up prom.
And then... Uh...
This one right here just
chased us down the hallway.
And then there's
the one that eats whales.
Something like that.
All the fucking no. Radu is out.
-We need to call the army.
-And tell them what?
That we're being attacked
by a man-eating crabs?
Oh, and by the way,
there's some giant Sea Monster
-out there as well.
-[Radu] Yes.
-Perfect plan.
-[sighs]
No, they is not believing,
are, are they?
[Annalise]
No, Radu, they is not believing.
So what do we do?
Hold on,
Hunter, bring me the projector.
Thank you. Okay. Um...
You said these Limuli--
-The damn crabs are ancient,
right?
-Right.
Okay, let's just assume
that the radiation
has caused them
to evolve for the first time
in millions of years,
that, that they are forced
to adapt to a new environment,
a radiated environment
that would make them, uh--
-Faster.
-Yes.
-Stronger.
-Leaner.
-Blue.
-No.
Wait. So these
perfectly adapted animals
are now supercharged
in attacking our town.
Yes. And what can stop
something so jacked up?
Another perfectly
evolved predator.
Yes, supercharged.
[crab roaring]
-Oh, shit.
Everybody, head [inaudible]
-Come on, Maddy.
-Come on. Let's go.
-Radu, let's go.
[roaring]
[explosions]
[rock music]
[screeching]
[roaring]
[growling]
[siren blaring]
[Maddy]
This is not good.
[Phil]
Mr. Norbert?
-[Maddy speaks inaudibly]
What the fuck?
[Radu]
Oh, there is them. Run!
Oh, he is going
to be the deadest.
[Radu speaks unintelligibly]
-So close.
-[Annalise] Get us safe
to your home.
[Radu gasps]
Oh, God.
[Phil]
We can't let this happen.
We have to stop them.
[Radu screaming]
Oh, they see us.
Go back to it,
oh, that's better.
-[glass shattering]
-[tires screech]
-Thank you. I have
to get out of here.
-[Hunter] Mr. Beckett.
Thank God, Jesus Christ
and all the saints
-and all the [inaudible]
-[Maddy] Mr. Beckett, look out.
-[roaring]
-[splash]
[Radu] And then I put
this song out of a tree stop
and the bird, bird say
-"You are the king."
-[Maddy] Radu, shh,
I'm trying to listen.
[man over radio inaudible]
Reports are coming in.
Fisherman all along the coast...
-[Hunter] Stay in the car.
-...ocean liner sized...
[Maddy]
Phil, is this crazy plan
even stand a chance?
It will work
if we build it together.
-Trust me.
-...and can we stop them?
-[Maddy] Okay. I trust you.
-These are the questions we're
still asking here at WSQK News.
-Next up,
Carol with the weather.
-[Carol] Um...
[Phil]
Come on. Come on. We have
a lot to do and not enough time.
...raining crabs.
Why are we still here?
[suspenseful music]
-[Hunter]
Here's the [inaudible].
-[Phil] Thanks.
Where are you going?
-I need to go
check on the sheriff.
-But, Hunter, I...
I need your help.
No...
...you don't.
[crow cawing]
[engine starting]
Come on.
He'll be okay.
Let's get inside.
Yeah.
Let's do this.
Radu cannot see.
Where is Radu?
[Maddy]
Phil, this place is amazing.
-[Radu] Radu give thanks.
-[Phil] Yeah. Thanks.
Okay.
[rock music]
Here's what we gotta do.
[Radu]
Oh, fuck.
Pirate ship.
-[whirrs]
-Oh.
-Radu, no, put that down.
-Eh.
Hell, yes.
Bang, bang. [laughs]
You are different.
Right here.
Um, Phillip.
-Here.
-Let's try it.
Just keep it there.
Aren't you supposed
to be a genius?
[unintelligible]
Okay, I got it.
-No. Uh-uh. No.
-Come right off.
Okay. Yeah.
Unlike your legs, my hands
have feeling in them, so...
I have feelings.
Faucet handle.
Speedometer.
It's looking great.
[rock music continues]
[whirring]
Success.
Much better.
-Radu.
-[whirring]
Propeller blade.
Flotation device.
Knot.
CB radio. Over and out.
Saw and...
...stuff.
[whirring]
Amorium Clustergram.
[rock music continues]
[somber music]
[siren wailing]
[crickets chirping]
Hey, Flannigan,
are you here, buddy?
Shit.
[grunts]
Sheriff.
[flies buzzing]
Oh, fuck.
[women moaning on TV]
[crab screeching]
Fuck you, you little crab.
[pants]
-[growling]
-Sherriff?
Flannigan, is that you?
[growling]
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
[screaming and groaning]
I am sorry, buddy.
-[thud]
-[groans]
I am sorry, Flannigan.
[thud]
[tense music]
[growls]
Let's fucking do this.
-[gasps]
-[groans]
[laughs]
I am sorry, Miss Menrath,
I, I give this to you
-as the, the present.
Do you know?
-Thank you.
This for the price of marriage
for your daughter.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
-It is done now.
No, she needs
more than a wrench.
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
-[roars]
-[gasp]
Shitty balls.
What was that?
Big bad crab monster?
-[growls]
-[screams]
[Radu]
Radu know his purpose.
Radu save females
and little robot boy from evil.
Radu, I'll be back.
Most likely scenario.
[growling]
[Radu]
Hey, bottom feeders.
What the fuck? No.
-[thuds]
-[splattering]
[panting]
[banging]
[glass shatters]
Smarty bitch.
[squeals]
[Radu screaming]
[buzzing]
[machine powering up]
That's everywhere.
-[panting]
-Come on. We gotta get outside.
-Where is Phil?
-Just go.
-[growling]
-Phil, get it now.
[machine powering up]
[squealing]
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
[footstep thumps]
[panting]
[sighs deeply]
What the fuck?
[unintelligible]
[unintelligible]
[laughs]
[epic music]
[footstep thumps]
Hey, turd licker.
[laughs]
You just fucked
with the wrong handicapable.
[suspenseful music]
[thumping]
[banging]
[Radu]
Oh!
-[Phil groans]
-Oh, no, he beat you
like uncle beat the dog.
[Maddy]
Kick that crab bitch's ass!
Make him your friend
and then backstab him.
Make him your friend
and then backstab him.
Back stab that bitch.
-Fucking cool violent.
-Come on.
-Philip.
-Come on.
Come on.
[beeping]
No, come on.
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
[hissing]
[groans]
[buzzing]
-Come on, Philip,
-It's okay.
-It's going to be a okay.
-Mom.
Philip, Philip, set
the victory out this shit hole.
All right.
Really? [panting]
Fuck.
Okay, All right.
Red to yellow, um...
Which damn wire is it?
I can get this right.
I wish Maddy was here.
[unintelligible]
[groans]
Okay. You think this is it?
Got it.
[grunting]
[upbeat electronic music]
[cheering]
-Yes. Yes, this is a good step.
-Yeah, that was awesome.
All right. Come on. Come on.
[growling]
Where did Philip get the sword?
Who doesn't have a ninja sword?
[chuckles]
[whimpering]
[roaring]
[Phil]
She looks pissed.
[tense music]
[Phil]
Oh, that's not good.
[scoffs] So it's like that, huh?
Okay.
Come on.
[video game music and sounds]
-[thud]
-[groans]
Let's play.
Friends.
[Phil groans]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Philip! Philip! Do like this!
-[Phil groaning]
-[crab monster laughs]
No. No. No, no, no.
[loud thud]
[groans]
-Philip. Mom.
-No, no, no. Be careful.
[growls]
[loud thud]
[panting and groaning]
[gentle music]
[roaring]
[horn honking]
[Hunter]
I got some drawn butter
in the trunk.
-And now I'm hungry.
-Hunter.
Don't mess with my little
brother, you ugly fuck!
[screaming]
Holy shit! [laughs]
[muted]
[tires screeching]
[explosion]
Oh! Yes.
-Yes! Yes!
-Yes! Yes!
-Come on! Punch it, Philip!
-Pun-- punch in the tit.
[chuckles]
Punch in the tit, Philip!
-Do it!
-Come on, Philip.
[groaning and panting]
You know, I'm getting really
tired of this shit.
Today was shaping up
to be the best day of my life.
Then your ugly ass showed up.
You're not going to take
that away from me?
Not some wheelchair,
not some damn crabs.
And definitely not you,
piece of shit.
This is my home and you
can just get the fuck out.
[energy powering up]
[cheering]
[Philip panting]
[cheers]
-[cheering]
-Come on. Let's go, let's go.
[loud thud]
[seagulls cawing]
[upbeat music]
[Hunter chuckles]
Holly shit.
You did that.
[gentle music]
[epic music]
[Maddy]
All right, Filibuster.
You are up.
Guys, we have arrived.
Walk us through this.
[Radu]
Hello, watchers
at the Crab Movie.
It is Radu,
the handsomeness lead character
of the movie film.
Producer man offer Radu
40 American dollar
to make song for the credits.
Let's to be doing it.
When it is to be midnight
And a moon bright as lamp
You hear scary monster noise
Like the grandma
but more damp
It could not be big werewolf
It could not be a big cat
Big, big claws
instead of the paws
You better run
and never to be looking back
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep, deep down below
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Are they nice? [laughs] No.
Better get big sword
and swing it fast
Then Philip going
to give it the laser blast
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
They look in kind of cute
when they're little
But they are gonna have
a big change
If they do the jump on you
Your face going to rearrange
They grow as big
as the grizzly
And they look
like ocean mold
If you don't stop them
super quick
They're gonna kill you
and your dirty shit hole
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep, deep down below
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Are they nice? [laughs]
Not, not, not really
Better shoot them
right dead in the face
Spread the blue blood
all over the place
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
Guitar solo.
[guitar playing]
-Is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
From deep under the sea
-You know, is crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
-Crabs
Growing through the size
Of a fuck damn tree
Better shoot them
right dead in the face
Spread the blue blood
all over the place
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
-Is crabs
Is crabs
Crabs
[chuckles] Wow,
Radu is so talented.
All of the ladies is
to be loving him now.
[laughs]
Uh, maybe not.