Creatures from the Pink Lagoon (2006) Movie Script
God, our creator and redeemer,
confident of your eternal
victory over evil,
we entrust Sebastian
into your loving embrace.
We have entrusted our brother
Sebastian to God's mercy,
and we now commit his body
to the ground.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
in sure and certain hope
ofhis resurrection.
Amen.
He was my little angel.
Itjust isn't right.
He didn't have to die.
Not like this.
For someone who was
light in his loafers,
he sure left a heavy corpse.
Honestly, Velma.
You're too much!
Well, did you hear
what he was buried in?
A kimono
and a pinkie ring!
- No!
- I rest my case.
I don't quite follow.
He was a Nancy boy.
You know, a fruitcake.
Afriend of Dorothy?
Confirmed bachelor?
Asalad spinner.
AChardonnay Charlie.
Afigure skater!
Oh!
He was a fag!
Man, that guy gives newmeaning
to the words, "dead weight."
Boy, howdy!
I thought we were
burying a block of cement.
Well, what do you say
we knock off early
and head down to
McFeeney McGee's?
I'm right behind you!
Wait a second!
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' to McFeeney McGee's,
like wejust said!
I'm taking the short cut.
Not through the Exit 5
Rest Stop?
Yeah, what ofit?
There's something strange
goin' on down there.
Joey says
the place is haunted!
Haunted?
There ain't no such
thing as ghosts.
You knowthat.
Yeah, but...
Howdoes Joey know, anyway?
Does he hang out there?
You knowJoey ain't like that.
He stopped by there last week
to stretch his legs,
and he said...
Stretch his legs.
It all sounds
pretty queerto me.
Nowlet's go.
Ghost or no, I ain't goin'
anywhere near that place.
Joey said...
Joey said, Joey said!
Fine, you win, but if we gotta
take the long way around,
the first beer's on you.
Nowwhere're you goin'?
Through the Indian
burial ground.
Oh, I thought we might go up
by Dead Man's Lake.
Oh, yeah, that's good too.
Yeah, then we can stop off
at the beauty parlor
and pick up Joey -
ifhe's not too busy
stretching his legs.
Aw, go on!
It was 1967-
the summer oflove.
England had decriminalized
sex between men.
The Oscar Wilde Book Shop
first opened its doors
in New York City.
And Ladybird
was in the White House!
These were heady
and exciting times.
No one could have known
it was all about to come
crashing down around us.
Isn't it
a beautiful evening?
Let's pull over here
and watch the sunset, shall we?
Sure.
I gotta take a leak anyway.
I wish you could come to
my birthday party this weekend.
All my friends
are dying to meet you.
Sorry - a bunch of stuff
just came up at work.
Not gonna
be able to make it.
But Bobby!
You promised.
I wanted to show
all my friends the real you.
I'll showthem the real me.
Bobby, be serious.
Who the hell do they think I am?
Well, they said you were a lousy
two-timing cockroach
in tight slacks
and cheap cologne.
That's crap!
I pay a lot of money
for my cologne.
Please, Bobby.
It's my birthday.
Listen, cupcake, I told you.
I have to work this weekend.
But don't worry.
You'll get your present.
Being with you is more of a
present than any boy deserves!
You're the bee's knees, Bobby!
Right.
And you're the cream
in my coffee.
Listen, babe, I've gotta work
early tomorrowmorning.
Right.
Those burgers aren't gonna
flip themselves!
That's the spirit!
So you don't mind
hoofing it from here?
That's a six-mile walk.
Six miles?
You'd better get started.
It's gonna be dark soon.
Hey, watch the paintjob!
Daddy just got
this baby detailed.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I'll see you
later, then.
Not ifl see you first.
Wait.
I thought Burger Queen
was closed this weekend
so they could
clean the grease traps.
They're out
for blood tonight, huh?
Yep.
It's a beautiful
evening, though.
Yeah, it's great.
You wouldn't happen to know
the time, would you?
Sure.
It's about 9:30.
Say friend,
do you have a light?
I can't seem to find mine.
Did you check all your pockets?
I think so.
Maybe I need some help.
Sure... always glad to help
my fellowman.
Found it.
Oops...
I seem to have dropped it.
Why don't I go down and get it?
Yeah.
Why don't you?
Kinda dark out here.
You may have to
feel around for it.
Blasted mosquitoes!
Here it is!
Oops!
Nowl seem to
have dropped it.
You should really
be more careful.
Maybe you should go
search for it this time.
Nah.
I got another one
like it at home.
If you find it...
you can keep it.
Happy hunting!
Wait... here it is!
Oops, nowl've
dropped it again!
Howabout some help?
I sure could use someone to come
down and help me get it!
I don't even smoke,
you selfishjerk!
Evening.
Beautiful night, isn't it?
Do you have the time?
Oops.
I seem to have
dropped my lighter.
I sure could use some help
looking for it.
It's pretty dark out here.
You might have to crouch down
and feel around for it.
Oh, the quiet type, huh?
I got something you can
put in your mouth.
Hey...
what's wrong with yourface?
What... what are you?
Stay back!
Get away!
GETAWAY!
NOOOOOOO!
Aren't birthdays
the greatest?
Cake, presents, streamers,
and a chance to catch up
with the ones you love.
That summer my best friend
Stan threwa party for me
at his brand newbeach cottage.
Stan is the quintessential
host with the most.
He's always got
a song in his heart,
he's kind to children
and animals,
and he can roll a pig in a
blanket like nobody's business.
His lover Billy was there, too.
Boy, what a side ofbeef!
Not to mention
level-headed, smart,
and as trustworthy
as a Catholic priest.
Then there was Randall,
the wise old sage of the group.
He brought Gary that weekend.
They seemed to have a healthy
relationship built around
mutual trust and respect.
And Joseph was there.
Sweet, shy,
and with an inner strength
that most peoplejust don't see.
This was going to be
my best birthday ever.
But Fate had other plans.
It all started
with a radio bulletin...
We interrupt this program
with a special bulletin.
The mysterious West End Virus
has claimed another victim.
Investigators have confirmed
that the death
of 37-year-old
Sebastian Camembert was most
probably due to this horrifying
phantom affliction,
which has claimed five other
victims in the past week.
The Centerfor Epidemic Control
has issued its strongest warning
yet regarding this virus.
Citizens are urged to report
to medical authorities at the
onset of any flu-like symptoms
for extensive screening
and observation.
Town scientists are searching
for the origin ofthis blight,
exploring local swamps
and mosquito nests
surrounding the highly
controversial Chemical Plant.
Chemical plant spokesmen
deny any connection
to the mysterious deaths,
despite public suspicion
and accusations
from the latest victim's family.
The victim, a confirmed
bachelor, was a graduate
of Lucky Pierre's
School of Cosmetology,
and enjoyed volunteering
at the community theatre,
figure skating,
and twilight picnics
at local scenic rest stops.
I love twilight picnics.
Mr. Camembert is survived
by a devoted mother,
two sisters,
and his beloved shitzu, Blanche.
And now, a word
from our sponsor.
"Exit 5 Rest Stop"
Anybody home?
Hey, lover.
Hello, hot stuff.
I've missed you!
Lovely to see you,
Joseph.
William Luckinbill,
don't be such a boor!
Take your cousin's bag.
That's OK.
I can get it.
Well all right, then.
Let's get you inside and get you
out ofthose hot clothes!
Honey, you can set yourthings
in the first bedroom there.
Howwas yourtrip, darling?
I hope it wasn't too unbearable.
Only the last half-mile.
I hate having to trudge
all the way up here
from that old
abandoned logging road.
Well you'll have to
get used to it, he-man.
They're not gonna
replace that bridge
for at least
another month!
Joseph, honey, would you
like something to drink?
Some lemonade, maybe?
No thanks, Stan.
I'm fine.
I'll be out in a minute.
Honestly, we'll be lucky
ifthat child comes out at all.
Oh, he'sjust shy is all.
Not after a weekend
with this crowd.
Well, this must be the place.
How can you tell?
Well do you see any other
gingerbread houses around here?
Gingerbread?
What happens
when it rains?
Shhh!
You're so attractive.
Don't ruin it.
Randall!
Hello, stranger.
It's been too long.
And this must be...
This is the flavor of
the weekend, Gary LaTourneaux.
Gary, may I present
the lady ofthe house?
What's up, my brother?
Slap me some skin!
Mary, put that hand away -
and give me a hug!
Well, look what
the cat dragged in -
an older, uglier cat!
Did it take you the entire bus
ride to think that one up?
No, itjust popped into my head,
all spontaneous like.
Watching the species evolve,
right before my eyes.
Nowhelp this one with my bags,
like the kept woman you are.
Is this one allowed to talk?
No!
But he is allowed to scream -
my name... tonight -
repeatedly.
I hope we don't
keep you up.
I'm surprised you can keep
anything up at your age.
Laugh it up, helium heels!
All right, children,
enough ofthat!
Come inside.
See the newhouse.
This is beautiful!
Isn't it?
It was built in 1935
and still has most
ofthe original floorboards.
The marble birdbath
is hand-carved.
And the entire kitchen
is fireproofed with asbestos.
I love it!
Everybody loves my house.
The stairs over there...
Oh, screwthe stairs!
Where's the crapper?
I don't knowabout anybody else,
but I'm ready for a swim!
Sounds good to me!
I've got a two-piece in the
closet if you want tojoin them.
I doubt Romeo and Juliet
would appreciate the company.
Honey, they're just swimming.
Ow.
I don't think either one of them
is wearing insect repellent.
So, you and Stan, huh?
Yup.
Fouryears this August.
Howlong have you
and Cruella De Vil
been going steady?
Four hours this afternoon.
Four hours?
That must be a record for him.
Well, it is for me.
I just sat down for a minute
and I must've dozed off.
Did I miss anything?
Honey, come meet Randall.
Joseph,
this is Randall -
one of my dearest
and oldest friends.
Randall, this...
Let me guess.
This is your
straight-but-not-narrow
college roommate,
who's come to visit unexpectedly
to tease us with some
devastating secret
all night long before
ultimately reconsidering
and lashing out in a
self-loathing homophobic fury.
Am I right?
Child, what tune
are you playing?
This is Joseph,
Billy's cousin.
He's not homophobic.
He'sjust shy.
Lovely.
Five tired,
screaming fairy queens
and one anxious queer.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Joseph.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Must be nice
living on your own lagoon.
Oh, I don't live here.
I've got a room back at
the YMCAin the city.
So you and Stan
don't live together?
Live together?
Living together's for squares!
What do we look like -
Ozzie and Harriet?
I love that show.
I mean, I love him and all,
but you knowwhat they say:
Monogamy equals monotony.
Ozzie and Harriet said that?
Besides, I need to pump iron
at least twice a day
and Stan won't let me
bring my barbells
anywhere nearthe house.
Have you done any pumping today?
Not yet.
I'm here!
Phillip!
Oh, good!
I was starting to get worried!
Did you get lost?
Oh, no,
nothing like that.
I was just up
late last night
taking the most glorious
moonlit stroll.
I must've slept right through
my alarm clock.
Well, it is good to see you.
And happy birthday!
Good lord, child!
What is that smell?
Oh, that must be Bobby's
after-shave you smell.
We were together last night.
It's Butch 22!
Oh, cripes.
He's not still daddling
that walking grease factory,
is he?
Well hello, Randall.
You're looking betterthan ever!
And you are still
a horrible liar, cupcake.
Good to see you.
Oh, god!
You reek ofthat stuff!
Didn't you bathe this morning?
Of course I did.
But his fragrancejust seems
to stick to me, like...
Like spooge in a shower?
I have a feeling he's gonna
stop by this weekend
and surprise me.
I can't wait
for you all to meet him.
What makes you think we haven't?
Joseph?
Why, it's been ages!
Hello, Phillip.
Happy birthday.
Oh, I could watch this all day.
Billy! Gary!
Our guest ofhonor
has arrived!
Meet me back here
after lunch, OK?
Don't be a stick in the mud!
We got dancing music on!
I'm gonna sit
this one out, cookie.
Oh, you won't get
that one to dance!
Randall does not
like showtunes.
What?
But we all love showtunes!
There's no sweeter music
in the whole wide world!
What can I say?
I'm immune to its charms.
He's got a tin ear
and two left feet.
Rememberthat one move
we used to do?
What was it, Stan?
You were the best at it.
Yes, I was.
Now step aside, ladies.
School is in session!
"Hungry for You"
Nice going, twinkle toes.
They're comin'.
They'll convert our children.
They're an aberration!
Filled with every kind of
wickedness and depravity:
Strife, malice,
deceit... murder!
They're closer
than you think!
You won't know
until it's too late!
Who's the old fruit
in the space suit?
That's our next door
neighbor, Mr. Hastings.
He's a little eccentric.
Hello, Mr. Hastings!
Would you like to join
us for some ambrosia?
Potato salad, maybe?
You're asking for it,
dancing around like
that in the open!
There's trouble comin',
you know.
They'll get you
if you're not careful!
Get you all, I tell you!
Honey, why don't you sit down
and have some lunch?
People say I'm crazy!
But I've seen what they can do.
And I'm gonna be ready.
I'm gonna stop them!
No!
NOOOO!
My, that Gary
sure has a healthy appetite.
In more ways than one.
I guess I got a hollow stomach.
Honey, at least
this one speaks English.
And has all his teeth.
Do I need to mention
the Cabo San Lucas incident?
Oh, we swore we would
never speak of that again!
Who's Cabo San Lucas?
The patron saint of pubic lice,
in this case.
Child, don't make me
pull out the photo album!
Gosh, those guys sure have
quite a history, huh?
We've all had some
crazy adventures
since the last time
we sawyou.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you don't want to hear
about my boring old life.
Don't be silly!
I want to hear everything.
Maybe we can go
for a walk after I unpack.
That'd be swell!
Walk, shmalk!
You guys should
join me for a swim!
I'm in!
Maybe in 30 minutes.
You knowwhat they say.
Monogamy equals Monopoly!
No, silly!
No swimming right afteryou eat!
Good.
That'll give you boys
a chance to
clean up out here.
I'm gonna help
our birthday boy unpack.
Phillip, I don't want
to meddle...
but this Bobby character
is bad news.
Everyone keeps saying that,
but youjust haven't gotten
to knowhim yet.
Deep down, he is the sweetest,
most considerate man
I've ever been with!
Honey, we are your friends.
And we'rejust looking out
foryour well-being.
Howmuch do you
really knowabout this man?
I knowhe makes me happy.
I knowl tingle
when we're together
and I ache
when we're apart.
Mmm hmm.
You might try some
penicillin for that, Mary.
I'm serious.
I'm sorry, you're right.
It'sjust that I worry
about you.
You need to find somebody
that you can rely on.
You know, a man
that you can trust.
Someone like my Billy.
Wait.
What?
I thought I heard something.
Listen, I didn't want to tell
you this in front of everybody,
but Bobby...
Goodness!
Golly.
Gary.
Whose do you think it is?
I can't believe I touched it.
Touched it?
I was laying on it!
Laying?
Maybe it's part of some animal.
An animal?
With a thumb?
And a Timex?
What were you doing
laying down?
I think I'm gonna be sick!
What were you doing laying down?
We were getting some sun!
I don't think it's real.
The sun hasn't been out all day.
Oh, believe me, it's real.
Look at the bone there,
where the flesh has been
all chewed off.
I'm definitely gonna be sick.
Everyone, calm down!
We are gonna march
right back into the house
and call the proper authorities.
And Phillip, please be sick
in the bushes,
not in the house.
Hello, operator.
I need the police at once.
Yes, I'll hold the line.
Hold the line?
What do they mean,
hold the line?
They mean wait.
I knowwhat they mean!
What are we doing waiting?
We need to get out ofhere!
I'm not going out there with
some hungry thing on the loose.
It's probably not
very hungry any more.
Sorry.
Besides, we're not going
anywhere with that bridge out.
We could swim!
Hello, police?
This is Stanley Nelson,
at the old Johnson place.
Something horrible has happened!
Please come right away!
Someone's been mutilated,
and I think... eaten.
What's taking them so long?
Honey, the bridge is out.
They had to send
a beat cop on a bicycle.
Don't answer it!
Mary, relax!
It'sjust the police officer.
I'm Officer Harding.
Of course you are.
I'm investigating
an emergency call
received from this location.
Which one of you
is Stanley Nelson?
That's me, officer.
I'm the one who called.
And this is my house.
And it was...
William Luckinbill
who discovered
the human remains?
Actually, officer, that was me.
And William... Billy.
And you are?
My name is Gary.
The "R" is silent.
Gay... eee?
Jesus, it's a good thing
she's pretty.
It's Gary.
Gary LaTourneaux.
I found the arm.
And I can showyou exactly
where it is if you'd like.
Yes, that's a good idea.
The rest of you stay here.
I'll need to take statements
from all of you when I return.
Now showme this...
body part of yours.
Oh, brother.
Officer Hard-on
is in for quite a show.
Randall, hush!
How can you say such a thing
about your boyfriend
at a time like this?
I'm sure he'sjust
helping the nice lawman
with his investigation.
Oh, Jesus!
Not again.
You were right.
That one is a screamer.
That was no scream of passion.
I think Gary's in trouble!
Well, come on!
I can't see anything.
Well, they can't have
just disappeared.
Off playing detective somewhere,
no doubt.
You're looking
the wrong way.
Billy, where did you see
that severed arm?
Oh, God.
It was overthere.
Wait...
Is that them in the water?
That doesn't look like Gary.
Or Officer Harding.
I don't think
that's them at all!
The question is, who is it?
- Are those...?
- It can't be!
Zombies?
Zombies?!
Flesh-eating creatures
ofthe night?
Quiet!
They haven't seen us yet.
Oh, they look awfully hungry.
They must be responsible
forthat chewed-up arm we found.
Are we gonna stand around here
with our dicks up our asses?
Let's get the hell out ofhere!
Careful!
We don't want to catch
their attention!
Christ!
Nice going, Martha Graham.
Sorry!
Oh, my god!
They're coming right for us!
Run!
Hold on a second!
I think those zombies
are homosexual!
What makes you say that?
Look!
Please stop screaming!
Well, they do have some
pretty good moves.
But gay zombies?
Mary, zombie or not,
I knowa show-tune-lovin'
friend of Dorothy
when I see one.
Lovely!
So they can do our hair
before they eat our brains!
Could we please go?
Inside, quick!
Lt'll be safe in here!
Hey...
How's it going?
You dropped your lighter.
Want me to get it for you?
Oh, OK.
Whoops.
Nowyou dropped...
Ewww!
Oh, my god!
They got Phillip!
Nooooo!
Turn away, honey.
Don't look.
Wait a second.
He's spitting Phillip out.
They don't like
the taste ofhim!
Finicky zombies.
You're right -
they are gay.
It's got to be
that Butch 22 cologne.
No self-respecting homo
would be caught dead
anywhere near it!
Or undead, apparently.
We've gotta get
Phillip out ofthere!
Honey, it's too late for him!
And we can't go back out there!
What ifit's a trick?
He'd do the same for any of us!
Even Randall?
Yes, even Randall!
I'm going out there
before another one ofthose
things tries to bite him!
C'mon, Phillip.
These zombies are gonna
have to find
someone else
to chew on!
Somebody, help me out here!
This walking corpse
is staining my woodwork!
I don't understand!
When that zombie bit me,
I thought I was a goner!
We think it's Bobby's
cologne.
The zombies must be
allergic to Butch 22!
Wait a second!
Phillip, open your
birthday present from me.
It's a Butch 22 gift pack!
It was ajoke!
A gag gift!
Just open it already!
And hurry!
They're getting in!
Jesus, Mary.
You think someone's
trying to tell you something?
It's the Tiffany bag!
He's in!
Hurry!
Somebody douse him!
Wow, it really works!
And I just had
this carpet steamed!
This door's not gonna hold.
We need to get out ofhere!
What are we gonna do?
Splash our way out?
There are too many ofthem!
Hold on.
I have an idea!
That's quite a collection.
I've never seen so many
all together like that.
Joseph, what are these for?
Well, I thought we could
get to know each other
by playing a game
of squirt tag this weekend.
Is that anything
like slap and tickle?
Nothing breaks the ice
like water sports!
No truer words were ever spoken.
Joseph, good thinking!
Phillip, bring those bottles
of Butch over here.
Those gay zombies have messed
with the wrong queens!
Joseph, where did you get all
these squirt guns?
Toy stores
and hobby shops, mostly.
But this one... I had to
special order from an ad
in the back of Amazing Tales,
number twenty-two.
It's so big!
It's my pride andjoy.
The Galaxy Gusher 4000!
It has twin hydraulic
loading chambers
and automatic reverse
pumping action!
Yeah, but will it clean
the sheets afterwards?
Okay, here's the plan!
First, we have to report Gary
and Officer Harding's
disappearance.
Then...
The phone's dead.
It looks like the line's down.
Well, one of us is going
to have to go out there
and hook that
line back up.
You're kidding, right?
There are flesh-eating
monsters out there!
They're not at
the front door any more.
It looks like they've
moved down the beach.
It could be
another zombie trick.
They mightjust be
waiting to attack.
Even with the Butch 22,
we'll never outrun all those
zombies all the way into town!
We've got to contact the
authorities so they're waiting
on the other side of the bridge.
Well don't look at me.
I'm not risking
my hide out there.
No volunteers?
Then we're gonna
have to drawfor it.
So, we're all agreed then.
The person who picks
the flamingo has to go outside
and fix the phone line.
Nowwho wants to go first?
Here goes nothing.
It's you and me, old friend.
You wanna go first?
Aw, hell... why not?
Naturally.
The pretty one
has to go.
That zombie who bit Phillip
must've pulled down
the phone line when he died!
You think, Nancy Drew.
All you need to do is
take the line from his hand
and hook it back up to the
transformer box on the house.
I got it.
Nowgive me that gun,
would you?
Be careful out there, Randall.
Oh cripes,
I'm hooking up a phone line,
not going to the moon.
Screwthis.
Ifl'm gonna be the hero,
I need a smoke.
Well, aren't you ten pounds
of ugly in a five-pound sack?
Oh, poor Randall!
His insatiable desire
for cigarettes did him in!
I guess even smoking
can kill you!
He was the sweetest,
most considerate man
I've ever known!
And nowhe's... dead!
And we're next!
Forget the phone line,
we've gotta make a run for it!
Give me that squirt gun!
No!
Billy, honey, wait!
Don't go out there half-cocked!
We have to stick to the plan!
Fuck you,
you fucking gay zombies!
Thought you were
gonna get me, did ya?
Billy!
No!
Nowwe are notjust gonna
stand around and let those
repulsive creatures
pick us off one by one!
What can we do?
They've surrounded the house!
There are too many ofthem!
Bring me
that pistol over there.
I'm going to distract them while
you run for the foot bridge.
Stan!
No!
Child, don't argue with me!
It's the only way.
Nowget ready to hike up your
skirts and make a run for it!
Stan, please be careful.
I don't knowwhat I'd do
ifl lost you, too!
Honey, it's gonna take more
than a fewpeckish zombies
to bring this old girl down.
Don't you worry about a thing.
There was something you were
trying to tell me earlier.
Something about Bobby.
What was it?
Honey, Bobby's no good.
Promise me that if we
get out of this,
you're gonna
break up with him.
But why?
What is it
you're not telling me?
Phillip, your boyfriend
is a rest stop Betty!
What?
He cruises public rest areas
looking for anonymous sex.
No telling what kind of filth
he's bringing home to you!
That is a pack of lies!
Bobby would never do
such a thing!
Where did you hear
this rubbish?
Mary, don't ask!
Stan, please.
I may never see you again.
I have to know.
Well, I'm ashamed to admit it,
but I have been known to
frequent such rest stops
ofill repute myself,
from time to time.
Oh, hush now, child.
We're all adults here.
Nowwait a minute!
I knewl recognized
those zombies!
They're all men who cruise
the Exit 5 Rest Stop!
Exit 5?
That's right next door
to the chemical plant!
You don't think...?
They must've been bitten
by the tainted mosquitoes
in the swamp between the plant
and the rest stop!
And then the mosquito bites
gave them the West End Virus!
The virus kills them and then
brings them back to life
as homosexual
flesh-eating monsters!
And nowthey're radioactive?
No, honey.
They'rejust zombies.
Well I'm ready to give those
zombies the what for!
I'll cover you.
Run up to the bridge
and get help.
Take that, you filthy zombie!
Joseph, I'll take this one.
You go help Phillip.
- But...
- Go!
Phillip! Phillip!
You want some ofthis, too?
You want...
Wait a minute!
You were my high school
science teacher - Mr. Byron!
I knewyou were
cruising me in chem lab!
Class dismissed... teach.
I'm empty!
Bobby?
This is my house!
Nowyou just turn around
and march back out
the way you came in!
Don't make me use this!
Bobby, it is you!
Oh, I just knewyou'd come!
What happened to your face?
You look like... -
Oh, god, no!
NOOOOO!
Phillip!
Suck on this, undead scum!
Make a wish,
you putrid pole smoker!
Stan was right about you!
You sucked anonymous cock
at that rest stop
and nowyou're a zombie!
Oh, Bobby,
howcould you?
You told me you loved me!
And I believed you!
I'm a fool!
I'm a stupid,
lovesick little girl!
You are a sad and pathetic man,
Bobby Prentice.
You are a zombie,
and you don't want to be,
and there is nothing
you can do to change it.
Ifl'm going down,
I'm going down singing!
NOOOO!
Back off, pizza face!
I don't understand!
That should've been enough
Butch to stop ten zombies!
Oh, no!
Bobby wears Butch 22.
He must have built up
an immunity to it!
Aw, nuts!
What happened?
Why didn't he eat us?
I don't know.
Hejust stopped short, suddenly.
Nowit looks like
he's listening to something.
Wait, I hear something too.
Why it's... it's...
"Zing Went the Strings
of my Heart"
I don't believe it!
Bobby?
Are you okay?
It's not possible!
I think he's turning back
into the old Bobby!
The old handsome Bobby!
Gosh, that's great.
And look!
All the other zombies
are changing back to normal!
Man, I gotta
quit smoking menthols!
Hey, cupcake.
Bobby, is it really you?
I thought you were
gone for good!
What are you talking about?
I always come back, don't I?
No, I mean...
There were these zombies.
And yourface was...
What's with Poindexter
overthere?
Bobby, be serious.
That's Joseph.
He helped save...
What are you, his mother?
I don't need his life story.
All right.
It's not important.
Bobby, we need to talk...
Talk is cheap, baby.
I got you a birthday present.
Bobby, I told you
I didn't need a present.
Trust me.
This is one present
you do need.
Oh, Joseph!
You're okay!
I don't knowhow.
One minute those zombies
were ready to tear us apart,
the next they were regular
homosexuals again.
They were no match
for my secret weapon.
What secret weapon?
Honey, those zombies were
strong, but no homosexual -
not even a flesh-eating,
walking dead homosexual -
can resist Judy Garland.
Oh.
No need to thank me, child.
I'm sorry, Stan.
It'sjust...
Did we lose Phillip, honey?
Oh no, nothing like that.
Bobby was there.
Oh no!
And was he...?
Yep.
- And he tried to...?
- Uh huh.
- But the music?
- Yeah.
And nowthey're...?
You got it.
Oh, Joseph.
I'm sorry.
Of all the beaches on all the
pink lagoons in all the world,
he lurches onto ours.
Listen, honey, nobody wants
them together less than me.
That Bobby's a real louse.
But Phillip's in love,
and to him
that rest-stop trolling,
ex-zombie boyfriend ofhis
might as well be Rock Hudson.
But he's so wrong for him!
Sure, you and I both knowthat.
But Phillip's got to
figure that out for himself.
Nowwhy don't you
come inside
and I'll fix you
some chocolate milk?
No, thanks.
I think I'mjust
gonna pack up and go.
Surprise!
What do you think?
It's... a picture of you.
Yeah.
The frame set me back
a fewbucks,
but I've got a bunch ofthose
snapshots lying around.
Nowyou can quit your
bellyaching about howyou
never get to see me, cookie.
Bobby, it's a lovely photograph.
Really, it is.
But I just think...
maybe we should...
Bobby... l'm breaking up
with you.
Yeah, right.
Nowhow's about
a birthday kiss?
Bobby, I'm serious.
It'sjust not working out
between us.
You see, Bobby...
I need someone brave.
Someone loyal.
Someone who treats me the way
I deserve to be treated.
Not a Rest Stop Bonnie.
Betty.
Right... Betty.
So you're breaking up with me?
Well ain't that a kick
in the culottes.
I think youjust need to be
on your own, Bobby.
That way you can spend
all the time you want
cruising for anonymous sex,
without worrying about the old
ball and chain back home.
But I want you to know
we can still be friends.
You can come to me
wheneveryou need to talk.
I'll be a sympathetic ear,
a shoulder to cry on,
orjust someone
to shoot the breeze with.
What I'm trying to say is,
just because
we're breaking up doesn't mean
I'm ditching you.
Bobby?
Joseph!
Joseph, hang on!
I didn't get a chance
to thank you.
Thank me?
For what?
What you did back there
was so brave.
You saved my life.
Well, I wasn't gonna let you
get eaten by a zombie.
Wait, you dropped this!
I won't be needing it any more.
Besides, it's broken.
It's nothing a little
rubber cement
and electrician's tape
won't fix.
I guess.
Plus I hear nothing breaks
the ice like water sports!
But what about Bobby?
Oh, Bobby will be fine.
Nowhowabout that game
of squirt tag?
You're on, Phillip.
You're on.
And that's howl got together
with Joseph.
Sure, we were a little battered,
a little shaken -
three of my friends
were eaten by zombies -
But Joseph and I found love!
And in the end, isn't that
what every homosexual wants?
Thisjust in:
Medical authorities have
announced that the
West End Virus is no longer
a public health threat.
Those suffering from the
mysterious ailment have
all shown remarkable recovery
within the past fewhours,
leading town scientists
to believe that it was
no more life-threatening
than the common cold.
Meanwhile, the search
is still on for a handful
oflocal men who have
disappeared this week
under suspicious circumstances.
Police are refusing to
speculate on the possibility
of a connection between the
virus and the disappearances.
We nowreturn you
to ourJudy Garland
weekend marathon,
currently in progress.
Showtunes!
Ugh!
Lfl hear one
more showtune...
I'm gonna eat somebody!
confident of your eternal
victory over evil,
we entrust Sebastian
into your loving embrace.
We have entrusted our brother
Sebastian to God's mercy,
and we now commit his body
to the ground.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
in sure and certain hope
ofhis resurrection.
Amen.
He was my little angel.
Itjust isn't right.
He didn't have to die.
Not like this.
For someone who was
light in his loafers,
he sure left a heavy corpse.
Honestly, Velma.
You're too much!
Well, did you hear
what he was buried in?
A kimono
and a pinkie ring!
- No!
- I rest my case.
I don't quite follow.
He was a Nancy boy.
You know, a fruitcake.
Afriend of Dorothy?
Confirmed bachelor?
Asalad spinner.
AChardonnay Charlie.
Afigure skater!
Oh!
He was a fag!
Man, that guy gives newmeaning
to the words, "dead weight."
Boy, howdy!
I thought we were
burying a block of cement.
Well, what do you say
we knock off early
and head down to
McFeeney McGee's?
I'm right behind you!
Wait a second!
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' to McFeeney McGee's,
like wejust said!
I'm taking the short cut.
Not through the Exit 5
Rest Stop?
Yeah, what ofit?
There's something strange
goin' on down there.
Joey says
the place is haunted!
Haunted?
There ain't no such
thing as ghosts.
You knowthat.
Yeah, but...
Howdoes Joey know, anyway?
Does he hang out there?
You knowJoey ain't like that.
He stopped by there last week
to stretch his legs,
and he said...
Stretch his legs.
It all sounds
pretty queerto me.
Nowlet's go.
Ghost or no, I ain't goin'
anywhere near that place.
Joey said...
Joey said, Joey said!
Fine, you win, but if we gotta
take the long way around,
the first beer's on you.
Nowwhere're you goin'?
Through the Indian
burial ground.
Oh, I thought we might go up
by Dead Man's Lake.
Oh, yeah, that's good too.
Yeah, then we can stop off
at the beauty parlor
and pick up Joey -
ifhe's not too busy
stretching his legs.
Aw, go on!
It was 1967-
the summer oflove.
England had decriminalized
sex between men.
The Oscar Wilde Book Shop
first opened its doors
in New York City.
And Ladybird
was in the White House!
These were heady
and exciting times.
No one could have known
it was all about to come
crashing down around us.
Isn't it
a beautiful evening?
Let's pull over here
and watch the sunset, shall we?
Sure.
I gotta take a leak anyway.
I wish you could come to
my birthday party this weekend.
All my friends
are dying to meet you.
Sorry - a bunch of stuff
just came up at work.
Not gonna
be able to make it.
But Bobby!
You promised.
I wanted to show
all my friends the real you.
I'll showthem the real me.
Bobby, be serious.
Who the hell do they think I am?
Well, they said you were a lousy
two-timing cockroach
in tight slacks
and cheap cologne.
That's crap!
I pay a lot of money
for my cologne.
Please, Bobby.
It's my birthday.
Listen, cupcake, I told you.
I have to work this weekend.
But don't worry.
You'll get your present.
Being with you is more of a
present than any boy deserves!
You're the bee's knees, Bobby!
Right.
And you're the cream
in my coffee.
Listen, babe, I've gotta work
early tomorrowmorning.
Right.
Those burgers aren't gonna
flip themselves!
That's the spirit!
So you don't mind
hoofing it from here?
That's a six-mile walk.
Six miles?
You'd better get started.
It's gonna be dark soon.
Hey, watch the paintjob!
Daddy just got
this baby detailed.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I'll see you
later, then.
Not ifl see you first.
Wait.
I thought Burger Queen
was closed this weekend
so they could
clean the grease traps.
They're out
for blood tonight, huh?
Yep.
It's a beautiful
evening, though.
Yeah, it's great.
You wouldn't happen to know
the time, would you?
Sure.
It's about 9:30.
Say friend,
do you have a light?
I can't seem to find mine.
Did you check all your pockets?
I think so.
Maybe I need some help.
Sure... always glad to help
my fellowman.
Found it.
Oops...
I seem to have dropped it.
Why don't I go down and get it?
Yeah.
Why don't you?
Kinda dark out here.
You may have to
feel around for it.
Blasted mosquitoes!
Here it is!
Oops!
Nowl seem to
have dropped it.
You should really
be more careful.
Maybe you should go
search for it this time.
Nah.
I got another one
like it at home.
If you find it...
you can keep it.
Happy hunting!
Wait... here it is!
Oops, nowl've
dropped it again!
Howabout some help?
I sure could use someone to come
down and help me get it!
I don't even smoke,
you selfishjerk!
Evening.
Beautiful night, isn't it?
Do you have the time?
Oops.
I seem to have
dropped my lighter.
I sure could use some help
looking for it.
It's pretty dark out here.
You might have to crouch down
and feel around for it.
Oh, the quiet type, huh?
I got something you can
put in your mouth.
Hey...
what's wrong with yourface?
What... what are you?
Stay back!
Get away!
GETAWAY!
NOOOOOOO!
Aren't birthdays
the greatest?
Cake, presents, streamers,
and a chance to catch up
with the ones you love.
That summer my best friend
Stan threwa party for me
at his brand newbeach cottage.
Stan is the quintessential
host with the most.
He's always got
a song in his heart,
he's kind to children
and animals,
and he can roll a pig in a
blanket like nobody's business.
His lover Billy was there, too.
Boy, what a side ofbeef!
Not to mention
level-headed, smart,
and as trustworthy
as a Catholic priest.
Then there was Randall,
the wise old sage of the group.
He brought Gary that weekend.
They seemed to have a healthy
relationship built around
mutual trust and respect.
And Joseph was there.
Sweet, shy,
and with an inner strength
that most peoplejust don't see.
This was going to be
my best birthday ever.
But Fate had other plans.
It all started
with a radio bulletin...
We interrupt this program
with a special bulletin.
The mysterious West End Virus
has claimed another victim.
Investigators have confirmed
that the death
of 37-year-old
Sebastian Camembert was most
probably due to this horrifying
phantom affliction,
which has claimed five other
victims in the past week.
The Centerfor Epidemic Control
has issued its strongest warning
yet regarding this virus.
Citizens are urged to report
to medical authorities at the
onset of any flu-like symptoms
for extensive screening
and observation.
Town scientists are searching
for the origin ofthis blight,
exploring local swamps
and mosquito nests
surrounding the highly
controversial Chemical Plant.
Chemical plant spokesmen
deny any connection
to the mysterious deaths,
despite public suspicion
and accusations
from the latest victim's family.
The victim, a confirmed
bachelor, was a graduate
of Lucky Pierre's
School of Cosmetology,
and enjoyed volunteering
at the community theatre,
figure skating,
and twilight picnics
at local scenic rest stops.
I love twilight picnics.
Mr. Camembert is survived
by a devoted mother,
two sisters,
and his beloved shitzu, Blanche.
And now, a word
from our sponsor.
"Exit 5 Rest Stop"
Anybody home?
Hey, lover.
Hello, hot stuff.
I've missed you!
Lovely to see you,
Joseph.
William Luckinbill,
don't be such a boor!
Take your cousin's bag.
That's OK.
I can get it.
Well all right, then.
Let's get you inside and get you
out ofthose hot clothes!
Honey, you can set yourthings
in the first bedroom there.
Howwas yourtrip, darling?
I hope it wasn't too unbearable.
Only the last half-mile.
I hate having to trudge
all the way up here
from that old
abandoned logging road.
Well you'll have to
get used to it, he-man.
They're not gonna
replace that bridge
for at least
another month!
Joseph, honey, would you
like something to drink?
Some lemonade, maybe?
No thanks, Stan.
I'm fine.
I'll be out in a minute.
Honestly, we'll be lucky
ifthat child comes out at all.
Oh, he'sjust shy is all.
Not after a weekend
with this crowd.
Well, this must be the place.
How can you tell?
Well do you see any other
gingerbread houses around here?
Gingerbread?
What happens
when it rains?
Shhh!
You're so attractive.
Don't ruin it.
Randall!
Hello, stranger.
It's been too long.
And this must be...
This is the flavor of
the weekend, Gary LaTourneaux.
Gary, may I present
the lady ofthe house?
What's up, my brother?
Slap me some skin!
Mary, put that hand away -
and give me a hug!
Well, look what
the cat dragged in -
an older, uglier cat!
Did it take you the entire bus
ride to think that one up?
No, itjust popped into my head,
all spontaneous like.
Watching the species evolve,
right before my eyes.
Nowhelp this one with my bags,
like the kept woman you are.
Is this one allowed to talk?
No!
But he is allowed to scream -
my name... tonight -
repeatedly.
I hope we don't
keep you up.
I'm surprised you can keep
anything up at your age.
Laugh it up, helium heels!
All right, children,
enough ofthat!
Come inside.
See the newhouse.
This is beautiful!
Isn't it?
It was built in 1935
and still has most
ofthe original floorboards.
The marble birdbath
is hand-carved.
And the entire kitchen
is fireproofed with asbestos.
I love it!
Everybody loves my house.
The stairs over there...
Oh, screwthe stairs!
Where's the crapper?
I don't knowabout anybody else,
but I'm ready for a swim!
Sounds good to me!
I've got a two-piece in the
closet if you want tojoin them.
I doubt Romeo and Juliet
would appreciate the company.
Honey, they're just swimming.
Ow.
I don't think either one of them
is wearing insect repellent.
So, you and Stan, huh?
Yup.
Fouryears this August.
Howlong have you
and Cruella De Vil
been going steady?
Four hours this afternoon.
Four hours?
That must be a record for him.
Well, it is for me.
I just sat down for a minute
and I must've dozed off.
Did I miss anything?
Honey, come meet Randall.
Joseph,
this is Randall -
one of my dearest
and oldest friends.
Randall, this...
Let me guess.
This is your
straight-but-not-narrow
college roommate,
who's come to visit unexpectedly
to tease us with some
devastating secret
all night long before
ultimately reconsidering
and lashing out in a
self-loathing homophobic fury.
Am I right?
Child, what tune
are you playing?
This is Joseph,
Billy's cousin.
He's not homophobic.
He'sjust shy.
Lovely.
Five tired,
screaming fairy queens
and one anxious queer.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Joseph.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Must be nice
living on your own lagoon.
Oh, I don't live here.
I've got a room back at
the YMCAin the city.
So you and Stan
don't live together?
Live together?
Living together's for squares!
What do we look like -
Ozzie and Harriet?
I love that show.
I mean, I love him and all,
but you knowwhat they say:
Monogamy equals monotony.
Ozzie and Harriet said that?
Besides, I need to pump iron
at least twice a day
and Stan won't let me
bring my barbells
anywhere nearthe house.
Have you done any pumping today?
Not yet.
I'm here!
Phillip!
Oh, good!
I was starting to get worried!
Did you get lost?
Oh, no,
nothing like that.
I was just up
late last night
taking the most glorious
moonlit stroll.
I must've slept right through
my alarm clock.
Well, it is good to see you.
And happy birthday!
Good lord, child!
What is that smell?
Oh, that must be Bobby's
after-shave you smell.
We were together last night.
It's Butch 22!
Oh, cripes.
He's not still daddling
that walking grease factory,
is he?
Well hello, Randall.
You're looking betterthan ever!
And you are still
a horrible liar, cupcake.
Good to see you.
Oh, god!
You reek ofthat stuff!
Didn't you bathe this morning?
Of course I did.
But his fragrancejust seems
to stick to me, like...
Like spooge in a shower?
I have a feeling he's gonna
stop by this weekend
and surprise me.
I can't wait
for you all to meet him.
What makes you think we haven't?
Joseph?
Why, it's been ages!
Hello, Phillip.
Happy birthday.
Oh, I could watch this all day.
Billy! Gary!
Our guest ofhonor
has arrived!
Meet me back here
after lunch, OK?
Don't be a stick in the mud!
We got dancing music on!
I'm gonna sit
this one out, cookie.
Oh, you won't get
that one to dance!
Randall does not
like showtunes.
What?
But we all love showtunes!
There's no sweeter music
in the whole wide world!
What can I say?
I'm immune to its charms.
He's got a tin ear
and two left feet.
Rememberthat one move
we used to do?
What was it, Stan?
You were the best at it.
Yes, I was.
Now step aside, ladies.
School is in session!
"Hungry for You"
Nice going, twinkle toes.
They're comin'.
They'll convert our children.
They're an aberration!
Filled with every kind of
wickedness and depravity:
Strife, malice,
deceit... murder!
They're closer
than you think!
You won't know
until it's too late!
Who's the old fruit
in the space suit?
That's our next door
neighbor, Mr. Hastings.
He's a little eccentric.
Hello, Mr. Hastings!
Would you like to join
us for some ambrosia?
Potato salad, maybe?
You're asking for it,
dancing around like
that in the open!
There's trouble comin',
you know.
They'll get you
if you're not careful!
Get you all, I tell you!
Honey, why don't you sit down
and have some lunch?
People say I'm crazy!
But I've seen what they can do.
And I'm gonna be ready.
I'm gonna stop them!
No!
NOOOO!
My, that Gary
sure has a healthy appetite.
In more ways than one.
I guess I got a hollow stomach.
Honey, at least
this one speaks English.
And has all his teeth.
Do I need to mention
the Cabo San Lucas incident?
Oh, we swore we would
never speak of that again!
Who's Cabo San Lucas?
The patron saint of pubic lice,
in this case.
Child, don't make me
pull out the photo album!
Gosh, those guys sure have
quite a history, huh?
We've all had some
crazy adventures
since the last time
we sawyou.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you don't want to hear
about my boring old life.
Don't be silly!
I want to hear everything.
Maybe we can go
for a walk after I unpack.
That'd be swell!
Walk, shmalk!
You guys should
join me for a swim!
I'm in!
Maybe in 30 minutes.
You knowwhat they say.
Monogamy equals Monopoly!
No, silly!
No swimming right afteryou eat!
Good.
That'll give you boys
a chance to
clean up out here.
I'm gonna help
our birthday boy unpack.
Phillip, I don't want
to meddle...
but this Bobby character
is bad news.
Everyone keeps saying that,
but youjust haven't gotten
to knowhim yet.
Deep down, he is the sweetest,
most considerate man
I've ever been with!
Honey, we are your friends.
And we'rejust looking out
foryour well-being.
Howmuch do you
really knowabout this man?
I knowhe makes me happy.
I knowl tingle
when we're together
and I ache
when we're apart.
Mmm hmm.
You might try some
penicillin for that, Mary.
I'm serious.
I'm sorry, you're right.
It'sjust that I worry
about you.
You need to find somebody
that you can rely on.
You know, a man
that you can trust.
Someone like my Billy.
Wait.
What?
I thought I heard something.
Listen, I didn't want to tell
you this in front of everybody,
but Bobby...
Goodness!
Golly.
Gary.
Whose do you think it is?
I can't believe I touched it.
Touched it?
I was laying on it!
Laying?
Maybe it's part of some animal.
An animal?
With a thumb?
And a Timex?
What were you doing
laying down?
I think I'm gonna be sick!
What were you doing laying down?
We were getting some sun!
I don't think it's real.
The sun hasn't been out all day.
Oh, believe me, it's real.
Look at the bone there,
where the flesh has been
all chewed off.
I'm definitely gonna be sick.
Everyone, calm down!
We are gonna march
right back into the house
and call the proper authorities.
And Phillip, please be sick
in the bushes,
not in the house.
Hello, operator.
I need the police at once.
Yes, I'll hold the line.
Hold the line?
What do they mean,
hold the line?
They mean wait.
I knowwhat they mean!
What are we doing waiting?
We need to get out ofhere!
I'm not going out there with
some hungry thing on the loose.
It's probably not
very hungry any more.
Sorry.
Besides, we're not going
anywhere with that bridge out.
We could swim!
Hello, police?
This is Stanley Nelson,
at the old Johnson place.
Something horrible has happened!
Please come right away!
Someone's been mutilated,
and I think... eaten.
What's taking them so long?
Honey, the bridge is out.
They had to send
a beat cop on a bicycle.
Don't answer it!
Mary, relax!
It'sjust the police officer.
I'm Officer Harding.
Of course you are.
I'm investigating
an emergency call
received from this location.
Which one of you
is Stanley Nelson?
That's me, officer.
I'm the one who called.
And this is my house.
And it was...
William Luckinbill
who discovered
the human remains?
Actually, officer, that was me.
And William... Billy.
And you are?
My name is Gary.
The "R" is silent.
Gay... eee?
Jesus, it's a good thing
she's pretty.
It's Gary.
Gary LaTourneaux.
I found the arm.
And I can showyou exactly
where it is if you'd like.
Yes, that's a good idea.
The rest of you stay here.
I'll need to take statements
from all of you when I return.
Now showme this...
body part of yours.
Oh, brother.
Officer Hard-on
is in for quite a show.
Randall, hush!
How can you say such a thing
about your boyfriend
at a time like this?
I'm sure he'sjust
helping the nice lawman
with his investigation.
Oh, Jesus!
Not again.
You were right.
That one is a screamer.
That was no scream of passion.
I think Gary's in trouble!
Well, come on!
I can't see anything.
Well, they can't have
just disappeared.
Off playing detective somewhere,
no doubt.
You're looking
the wrong way.
Billy, where did you see
that severed arm?
Oh, God.
It was overthere.
Wait...
Is that them in the water?
That doesn't look like Gary.
Or Officer Harding.
I don't think
that's them at all!
The question is, who is it?
- Are those...?
- It can't be!
Zombies?
Zombies?!
Flesh-eating creatures
ofthe night?
Quiet!
They haven't seen us yet.
Oh, they look awfully hungry.
They must be responsible
forthat chewed-up arm we found.
Are we gonna stand around here
with our dicks up our asses?
Let's get the hell out ofhere!
Careful!
We don't want to catch
their attention!
Christ!
Nice going, Martha Graham.
Sorry!
Oh, my god!
They're coming right for us!
Run!
Hold on a second!
I think those zombies
are homosexual!
What makes you say that?
Look!
Please stop screaming!
Well, they do have some
pretty good moves.
But gay zombies?
Mary, zombie or not,
I knowa show-tune-lovin'
friend of Dorothy
when I see one.
Lovely!
So they can do our hair
before they eat our brains!
Could we please go?
Inside, quick!
Lt'll be safe in here!
Hey...
How's it going?
You dropped your lighter.
Want me to get it for you?
Oh, OK.
Whoops.
Nowyou dropped...
Ewww!
Oh, my god!
They got Phillip!
Nooooo!
Turn away, honey.
Don't look.
Wait a second.
He's spitting Phillip out.
They don't like
the taste ofhim!
Finicky zombies.
You're right -
they are gay.
It's got to be
that Butch 22 cologne.
No self-respecting homo
would be caught dead
anywhere near it!
Or undead, apparently.
We've gotta get
Phillip out ofthere!
Honey, it's too late for him!
And we can't go back out there!
What ifit's a trick?
He'd do the same for any of us!
Even Randall?
Yes, even Randall!
I'm going out there
before another one ofthose
things tries to bite him!
C'mon, Phillip.
These zombies are gonna
have to find
someone else
to chew on!
Somebody, help me out here!
This walking corpse
is staining my woodwork!
I don't understand!
When that zombie bit me,
I thought I was a goner!
We think it's Bobby's
cologne.
The zombies must be
allergic to Butch 22!
Wait a second!
Phillip, open your
birthday present from me.
It's a Butch 22 gift pack!
It was ajoke!
A gag gift!
Just open it already!
And hurry!
They're getting in!
Jesus, Mary.
You think someone's
trying to tell you something?
It's the Tiffany bag!
He's in!
Hurry!
Somebody douse him!
Wow, it really works!
And I just had
this carpet steamed!
This door's not gonna hold.
We need to get out ofhere!
What are we gonna do?
Splash our way out?
There are too many ofthem!
Hold on.
I have an idea!
That's quite a collection.
I've never seen so many
all together like that.
Joseph, what are these for?
Well, I thought we could
get to know each other
by playing a game
of squirt tag this weekend.
Is that anything
like slap and tickle?
Nothing breaks the ice
like water sports!
No truer words were ever spoken.
Joseph, good thinking!
Phillip, bring those bottles
of Butch over here.
Those gay zombies have messed
with the wrong queens!
Joseph, where did you get all
these squirt guns?
Toy stores
and hobby shops, mostly.
But this one... I had to
special order from an ad
in the back of Amazing Tales,
number twenty-two.
It's so big!
It's my pride andjoy.
The Galaxy Gusher 4000!
It has twin hydraulic
loading chambers
and automatic reverse
pumping action!
Yeah, but will it clean
the sheets afterwards?
Okay, here's the plan!
First, we have to report Gary
and Officer Harding's
disappearance.
Then...
The phone's dead.
It looks like the line's down.
Well, one of us is going
to have to go out there
and hook that
line back up.
You're kidding, right?
There are flesh-eating
monsters out there!
They're not at
the front door any more.
It looks like they've
moved down the beach.
It could be
another zombie trick.
They mightjust be
waiting to attack.
Even with the Butch 22,
we'll never outrun all those
zombies all the way into town!
We've got to contact the
authorities so they're waiting
on the other side of the bridge.
Well don't look at me.
I'm not risking
my hide out there.
No volunteers?
Then we're gonna
have to drawfor it.
So, we're all agreed then.
The person who picks
the flamingo has to go outside
and fix the phone line.
Nowwho wants to go first?
Here goes nothing.
It's you and me, old friend.
You wanna go first?
Aw, hell... why not?
Naturally.
The pretty one
has to go.
That zombie who bit Phillip
must've pulled down
the phone line when he died!
You think, Nancy Drew.
All you need to do is
take the line from his hand
and hook it back up to the
transformer box on the house.
I got it.
Nowgive me that gun,
would you?
Be careful out there, Randall.
Oh cripes,
I'm hooking up a phone line,
not going to the moon.
Screwthis.
Ifl'm gonna be the hero,
I need a smoke.
Well, aren't you ten pounds
of ugly in a five-pound sack?
Oh, poor Randall!
His insatiable desire
for cigarettes did him in!
I guess even smoking
can kill you!
He was the sweetest,
most considerate man
I've ever known!
And nowhe's... dead!
And we're next!
Forget the phone line,
we've gotta make a run for it!
Give me that squirt gun!
No!
Billy, honey, wait!
Don't go out there half-cocked!
We have to stick to the plan!
Fuck you,
you fucking gay zombies!
Thought you were
gonna get me, did ya?
Billy!
No!
Nowwe are notjust gonna
stand around and let those
repulsive creatures
pick us off one by one!
What can we do?
They've surrounded the house!
There are too many ofthem!
Bring me
that pistol over there.
I'm going to distract them while
you run for the foot bridge.
Stan!
No!
Child, don't argue with me!
It's the only way.
Nowget ready to hike up your
skirts and make a run for it!
Stan, please be careful.
I don't knowwhat I'd do
ifl lost you, too!
Honey, it's gonna take more
than a fewpeckish zombies
to bring this old girl down.
Don't you worry about a thing.
There was something you were
trying to tell me earlier.
Something about Bobby.
What was it?
Honey, Bobby's no good.
Promise me that if we
get out of this,
you're gonna
break up with him.
But why?
What is it
you're not telling me?
Phillip, your boyfriend
is a rest stop Betty!
What?
He cruises public rest areas
looking for anonymous sex.
No telling what kind of filth
he's bringing home to you!
That is a pack of lies!
Bobby would never do
such a thing!
Where did you hear
this rubbish?
Mary, don't ask!
Stan, please.
I may never see you again.
I have to know.
Well, I'm ashamed to admit it,
but I have been known to
frequent such rest stops
ofill repute myself,
from time to time.
Oh, hush now, child.
We're all adults here.
Nowwait a minute!
I knewl recognized
those zombies!
They're all men who cruise
the Exit 5 Rest Stop!
Exit 5?
That's right next door
to the chemical plant!
You don't think...?
They must've been bitten
by the tainted mosquitoes
in the swamp between the plant
and the rest stop!
And then the mosquito bites
gave them the West End Virus!
The virus kills them and then
brings them back to life
as homosexual
flesh-eating monsters!
And nowthey're radioactive?
No, honey.
They'rejust zombies.
Well I'm ready to give those
zombies the what for!
I'll cover you.
Run up to the bridge
and get help.
Take that, you filthy zombie!
Joseph, I'll take this one.
You go help Phillip.
- But...
- Go!
Phillip! Phillip!
You want some ofthis, too?
You want...
Wait a minute!
You were my high school
science teacher - Mr. Byron!
I knewyou were
cruising me in chem lab!
Class dismissed... teach.
I'm empty!
Bobby?
This is my house!
Nowyou just turn around
and march back out
the way you came in!
Don't make me use this!
Bobby, it is you!
Oh, I just knewyou'd come!
What happened to your face?
You look like... -
Oh, god, no!
NOOOOO!
Phillip!
Suck on this, undead scum!
Make a wish,
you putrid pole smoker!
Stan was right about you!
You sucked anonymous cock
at that rest stop
and nowyou're a zombie!
Oh, Bobby,
howcould you?
You told me you loved me!
And I believed you!
I'm a fool!
I'm a stupid,
lovesick little girl!
You are a sad and pathetic man,
Bobby Prentice.
You are a zombie,
and you don't want to be,
and there is nothing
you can do to change it.
Ifl'm going down,
I'm going down singing!
NOOOO!
Back off, pizza face!
I don't understand!
That should've been enough
Butch to stop ten zombies!
Oh, no!
Bobby wears Butch 22.
He must have built up
an immunity to it!
Aw, nuts!
What happened?
Why didn't he eat us?
I don't know.
Hejust stopped short, suddenly.
Nowit looks like
he's listening to something.
Wait, I hear something too.
Why it's... it's...
"Zing Went the Strings
of my Heart"
I don't believe it!
Bobby?
Are you okay?
It's not possible!
I think he's turning back
into the old Bobby!
The old handsome Bobby!
Gosh, that's great.
And look!
All the other zombies
are changing back to normal!
Man, I gotta
quit smoking menthols!
Hey, cupcake.
Bobby, is it really you?
I thought you were
gone for good!
What are you talking about?
I always come back, don't I?
No, I mean...
There were these zombies.
And yourface was...
What's with Poindexter
overthere?
Bobby, be serious.
That's Joseph.
He helped save...
What are you, his mother?
I don't need his life story.
All right.
It's not important.
Bobby, we need to talk...
Talk is cheap, baby.
I got you a birthday present.
Bobby, I told you
I didn't need a present.
Trust me.
This is one present
you do need.
Oh, Joseph!
You're okay!
I don't knowhow.
One minute those zombies
were ready to tear us apart,
the next they were regular
homosexuals again.
They were no match
for my secret weapon.
What secret weapon?
Honey, those zombies were
strong, but no homosexual -
not even a flesh-eating,
walking dead homosexual -
can resist Judy Garland.
Oh.
No need to thank me, child.
I'm sorry, Stan.
It'sjust...
Did we lose Phillip, honey?
Oh no, nothing like that.
Bobby was there.
Oh no!
And was he...?
Yep.
- And he tried to...?
- Uh huh.
- But the music?
- Yeah.
And nowthey're...?
You got it.
Oh, Joseph.
I'm sorry.
Of all the beaches on all the
pink lagoons in all the world,
he lurches onto ours.
Listen, honey, nobody wants
them together less than me.
That Bobby's a real louse.
But Phillip's in love,
and to him
that rest-stop trolling,
ex-zombie boyfriend ofhis
might as well be Rock Hudson.
But he's so wrong for him!
Sure, you and I both knowthat.
But Phillip's got to
figure that out for himself.
Nowwhy don't you
come inside
and I'll fix you
some chocolate milk?
No, thanks.
I think I'mjust
gonna pack up and go.
Surprise!
What do you think?
It's... a picture of you.
Yeah.
The frame set me back
a fewbucks,
but I've got a bunch ofthose
snapshots lying around.
Nowyou can quit your
bellyaching about howyou
never get to see me, cookie.
Bobby, it's a lovely photograph.
Really, it is.
But I just think...
maybe we should...
Bobby... l'm breaking up
with you.
Yeah, right.
Nowhow's about
a birthday kiss?
Bobby, I'm serious.
It'sjust not working out
between us.
You see, Bobby...
I need someone brave.
Someone loyal.
Someone who treats me the way
I deserve to be treated.
Not a Rest Stop Bonnie.
Betty.
Right... Betty.
So you're breaking up with me?
Well ain't that a kick
in the culottes.
I think youjust need to be
on your own, Bobby.
That way you can spend
all the time you want
cruising for anonymous sex,
without worrying about the old
ball and chain back home.
But I want you to know
we can still be friends.
You can come to me
wheneveryou need to talk.
I'll be a sympathetic ear,
a shoulder to cry on,
orjust someone
to shoot the breeze with.
What I'm trying to say is,
just because
we're breaking up doesn't mean
I'm ditching you.
Bobby?
Joseph!
Joseph, hang on!
I didn't get a chance
to thank you.
Thank me?
For what?
What you did back there
was so brave.
You saved my life.
Well, I wasn't gonna let you
get eaten by a zombie.
Wait, you dropped this!
I won't be needing it any more.
Besides, it's broken.
It's nothing a little
rubber cement
and electrician's tape
won't fix.
I guess.
Plus I hear nothing breaks
the ice like water sports!
But what about Bobby?
Oh, Bobby will be fine.
Nowhowabout that game
of squirt tag?
You're on, Phillip.
You're on.
And that's howl got together
with Joseph.
Sure, we were a little battered,
a little shaken -
three of my friends
were eaten by zombies -
But Joseph and I found love!
And in the end, isn't that
what every homosexual wants?
Thisjust in:
Medical authorities have
announced that the
West End Virus is no longer
a public health threat.
Those suffering from the
mysterious ailment have
all shown remarkable recovery
within the past fewhours,
leading town scientists
to believe that it was
no more life-threatening
than the common cold.
Meanwhile, the search
is still on for a handful
oflocal men who have
disappeared this week
under suspicious circumstances.
Police are refusing to
speculate on the possibility
of a connection between the
virus and the disappearances.
We nowreturn you
to ourJudy Garland
weekend marathon,
currently in progress.
Showtunes!
Ugh!
Lfl hear one
more showtune...
I'm gonna eat somebody!