Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles (2001) Movie Script
Okay, ladies and gents,|Walkabout Creek Hotel.
Last chance for a coldie|before we hit the outback.
G'day, all.|I'm your hostess.
You can call me Ruby or love or|anything, but never late for breakfast.
[ Laughing ]
And what's your pleasure, folks?
Gin and tonic, please,|and a Pims for the lady.
Gin and tonic, please,|and a Pims for the lady.
"G" and "T" and a Pims.
No, I asked for|a gin and tonic and a Pims.
Yeah, well,|there's no harm in asking.
Couple of beers|will be just fine.
That's the ticket, old mate.
- Hey, Nugget.|- G'day, Sue.
- Where's Mick?|- We got a panic call from the Rangers.
They spotted a huge croc|in the Tarrabool swimming hole.
Actually, we tossed a coin to see|who'd catch it, and Mick won.
- He went after it alone, did he?|- No.
Jacko Jackson's gonna|meet him out there.
And Jacko, as you know, is the second|best crocodile man in the territory.
So you got no worries, love.
My only worry is I need Mick|to pick Mikey up after school.
I'll tell Mick for you.|If he gets tied up with that croc,
- I'll pick up the young fella myself.|- Thanks.
I thought you were|the second best crocodile hunter.
- Oh, well.|- Oh, he's just modest.
He's one of the best,|you know?
Hey, Sue. If anything ever happens|to Mick, I'm gonna come courtin'.
Well, let's just hope|nothing happens to Mick.
Now, where are you,|you big ugly bugger?
This is as good as it gets.
Come on.|Come to Uncle Mick.
Big...
big...
big mistake.
Oh, shit.
[ Sighs ]
- G'day, Mick.|- G'day, Jacko.
What are you doing up there?
Just sittin' up here, thinking|about a new career, mate.
Where's your boat?
On the bottom.
- How'd that happen?|- Croc pulled it under.
Pulled it under?
How big was it?
That big.
Now what?
Well, now we scramble ashore|and go to plan "B. "
Don't move.
Well, could be worse, mate.
Oh, yeah?|How's that, Mick?
Well, someone could|see us up here,
up the tree, outsmarted|by a bloody crocodile.
- [ Chattering]|- [ Groans ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
[Woman ] So help me God, if I see|a snake, I'm gonna drop dead.
How are they gonna catch a crocodile|up there in the tree?
So, which one is the second best|crocodile hunter in the land?
[ All Laughing ]
Okay, everyone, we're on|a tight schedule here.
We better keep moving.|Don't want to disturb the hunters.
Back on the bus,|please, folks.
That's the way.
Bloody Nugget.|Great, eh, mate?
Two best crocodile hunters|in the entire Northern Territory, eh?
Yeah.
We look like a couple|of real pelicans, don't we, eh?
[ Both Laughing ]
You know what I hate about crocs?|They got legs. Come on.
Oh, remember the good old days|when we just used to shoot 'em?
Yeah, mate, but if there were no more|crocs, they wouldn't need hunters.
Oh, they'd need hunters...|to keep the wild pigs in control.
Pigs?|Oh, not the same.
I don't want my kid saying,|"There goes my dad, Pig Dundee. "
Do you want to be known|as Porker Jackson?
Well, no.
Nah, we need the crocs, mate.|They make us somebodies.
Without 'em, we're|just a couple of old bushwhackers...
with bite marks on our legs.
We'll get him tomorrow.|Same time.
Hey, I knew a pig farmer called|Porker O'Brien once. Hah!
You know why|they called him Porker?
I hate it when he does that.
Gives me the creeps.
- Thanks, mate.|- No worries.
So, you got out of that tree|all right, eh?
Now, how could you possibly|know about that already?
My people have ways of talking|that no white man can understand.
Arthur, you're so full of bullshit.
No, it's a kind|of mental telepathy, eh?
- Yeah, mental, all right.|- [ Cell Phone Ringing]
Ah, I think we just found out|which one of us is the white man.
Yeah?
Yeah, I heard about that.
[ Laughing ] Yeah, well,|he's standin' right next to me now.
- Oh, great.|- Yeah, okay. Yeah, later.
- So, are you doin' a show tonight?|- Yeah.
Already did the matinee.|Gotta keep the tourists happy, eh?
Oh, well, mate, these days|they're our bread and butter.
That's sort of what we are now in|the 20th century-- tourist attractions.
As they say,|that's show business, mate.
By the way, Mick,
it's the 21 st century, mate.
it's the 21 st century, mate.
Oh, yeah, I-I knew that.
- See you, Art.|- See you later.
- See ya, Troy.|- See ya, Mikey.
- Wanna go fishing?|- Yeah.
- So, what did you learn today?|- Oh, just school stuff.
But we had an earthquake video,
and we learned how they happen|in California, America.
- Did you see one when you were there?|- No, I was in New York.
They don't have|earthquakes there.
People there wouldn't stand for it.|They'd be like,
[ Imitating New York Accent ]|"Earthquake? Hey, this is Brooklyn.
Get outta here.|Forget about it. "
They're tough.
Whoa, homework time.|What's that?
- It's goanna turd.|- That means he's close by. Find him.
- There he is.|- Yep.
- You hungry? Want him for dinner?|- Yuck, no way.
- Then you better miss.|- Dad, I never miss.
[ Gulping ]
Whoa.
Quick, Dad, there's a big razorback|up there. Can you do it?
- Do what?|- You know, that trick. Please.
All right, but it won't work|if you're scared. He'll smell it.
I know. I won't be scared.|I promise.
Don't look at him|till I do.
I really won't be scared|if I can carry your knife.
[ Imitates Growling ]|Cool.
[ Laughing ]
Okay, Dad, I'll talk it over|with Mick. Uh-huh.
No. No, and if we decide|we need to be married,
I promise you'll be|the first to know.
Would you like to say hello|to your grandson? Okay. Hang on.
Hey, Mikey.|Come say hi to Grandpa.
Hi, Grandpa.
Pretty good, yeah.
- [ Sighs ]|- So, what's new?
Oh, Tom Zetland-- he ran|the L. A. bureau of Dad's paper--
was just killed|in a car accident.
- What, was he a mate of yours?|- Actually, no.
But the thing is, Mick, Dad is now|pleading with me to take his place...
while he looks|for a permanent replacement.
What you're sayin' is your dad wants|you to go work for him in Los Angeles.
Mm.
For how long?
Well, I told him I might|fill in for a few weeks.
Well, tell me this, if we lived|over there in the city,
- would you take the job then?|- Oh, sure.
I mean, I was raised|by a newspaperman,
and, well, I don't know, I guess|it just gets in your blood.
That settles it then.|Take the job.
At least for the rest of the year.|Me and Mikey'll go with you.
- You're kidding?|- No. Good for him. Help him decide.
Decide?
- Your dad owns a newspaper, right?|- Mm-hmm.
You're his only child. Someday|Mikey's gonna have to decide.
Does he want to be an assistant|crocodile wrangler...
or the owner|of a big-city newspaper?
That's a tough one.|And the travel will be good for him.
Remember how my trip|to New York...
sort of opened my eyes|to the ways of the world?
Made me a lot more--|What's the word?
- Sophisticated?|- Yeah.
By the way, Mick, what are|you doing with that awful trap?
You're not going to use that|on some poor animal?
No, I'm lending it to Donk.
Some mongrel's been sneaking|into the pub at night...
and knocking off his grog.
[ Chuckles ]|Stealing Donk's beer, well,
- I guess they deserve to be mangled.|- Yeah.
Well, what about you, Mikey?|What do you think?
How would you like to live|in California for a while?
- They have earthquakes there, right?|- Well, yeah, they have had.
Cool.
I thought you might say that.|You're gonna have lots of fun.
Actually, you're the one|I'm worried about.
No, I'm fine.
Um, Mick, I seem to remember|after a few weeks in New York...
you did get pretty antsy.
Yeah, a bit antsy.
Mm, that's what I love about you, Mick.|You're always so unselfish.
No worries.
# Yeah #
# Yeah|Dance, dance, dance, dance#
## [ Woman Vocalizing,|Indistinct ]
[Mick ] Beverly Hills, eh?|Home to the movie stars.
A lot of 'em, yep.
You're not in show business,|are ya?
- No, I'm in the tourism game myself.|- Hey, so am I.
When I'm out driving this.|Actually, though, I'm a writer-actor.
Just, you know, drive the limo|between gigs. Make a lot of connections.
Had Tom Arnold in the car|this morning.
Tom Arnold?
Oh, wife probably knows who he is.|She's- She's in the newspaper business.
- A reporter.|- Yeah.
Here, take one of these.|You never know.
Thanks.
There you go.
That- That's nice.
No, you can keep that.|I got plenty of copies.
Crocodile!
[Sue ] Okay, tax relief plan.|State tax only.
No interest there.|Traffic accidents.
Okay, these figures comparing L. A.|to New York drivers, that's good.
Follow through on that.
Great. So our policy|hasn't changed then?
- How so?|- It's like Mr. Zetland used to say,
[Imitating Mr. Zetland]|"We're a New York paper.
If the news ain't about New York,|then who gives a rat's ass? "
Or words to that effect.
So he wasn't too happy|about working in L. A., huh?
Oh, no, no. Tom loved it here.|No, he loved doing expose features...
and investigating|scams and phonies.
- What was he working on?|- He was doing this feature...
on this new mini studio.
He started to get|really excited about it.
I think he smelled a rat.
But what it was about,|only Tom knew.
Maybe you can find out what sparked|his interest in there. Good luck.
Oh, hey, how are your boys doing?|Are they out exploring?
Oh, yeah. Should be fun too.|For both of them.
- [ Chattering]|- [Man ] Come on, people!
Thank you. Oh, spontaneous|applause, thank you.
Thank you.
All right, a couple of tricks.|Behind the back.
All right, all right,|all right, under the leg.
[Juggler Chattering ]
- [ Bones Cracking ]|- [ Man Groaning ]
[Juggler Continues|Chattering ]
[ Groaning Continues ]
Hey, Dad, look.|There's those girls from Baywatch.
- What?|- Baywatch.
On TV, you know?|The girls that run funny, like this.
And Donk and all the men|in the pub go, "Whoa! "
- What've you been doin' in the pub?|- Whoa! Hey!
- I am so sorry. Whew, muscle fatigue.|- It's okay.
- You all right?|- Hey, do you know what time it is?
Oh, it's about 12:30,|maybe 12:35.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, that's cute,|but you're wearing a watch.
- That's not a watch, it's a compass.|- Oh!
Yeah, I'm new in town.|I couldn't find my house without this.
Really? So where's|your house from here?
Eleven point five miles,|two degrees north northeast.
Called, uh, Beverly Hills.
Bev Hills?|So, you have a nice home?
- Yeah, we got eight dunneys.|- Yeah, that's eight bathrooms.
- Oh, nice. This-This your boy?|- Yeah, that's Mikey.
- So, you married?|- No, he's not married.
- So you got custody?|- Yeah. Well, Mikey's my son.
- Right. So you're a good parent?|- Well, I'd say.
Right. Oh, this is too good.|I finally bump into a cute cowboy.
He's more Robert Redford's vintage|than Brad Pitt's, but that's okay...
'cause he's got a mansion in Beverly|Hills, plus he's got custody of his kid.
That means he'd be a good dad|to my Cindy and this is--
Oh, there's a catch, right?
Nothing this good|ever happens to me.
Are you-- You're not available?|You're- You're gay, right?
Um, most of the time,|pretty happy, yeah.
[ Chuckles ]|Of course.
Cute cowboy, Venice Beach,|had to be gay.
What was I thinking?
- Boy, she was a chatterbox.|- Yeah, mate. American woman.
- She's got a nice ass.|- Yeah. Hey,
you gotta stop hangin'|around that pub.
[ Sighs ]|Who taught you that? Nugget?
- Find anything fishy?|- Yeah. Listen to this.
Silvergate Pictures make their|first movie, right? Lethal Agent.
It's a total bomb.
So the very next picture|they make is Lethal Agent II...
which, of course, goes straight|to video where no one rents it.
And guess what they're doing now|to save their reputation?
- Uh--|- Yeah.
I don't know.|Did Tom talk to these guys?
Yeah. I think he spoke to everybody|from the president of the studio down.
That's when he seemed to get|really excited about the story.
All I can see here is a bunch of|really dumb business decisions.
But, of course,|that's not illegal.
Well, you know, that's|the research I did for him.
Whatever Tom was working on|is probably in his P. C.
I can get the disk from his house,|if you're interested.
That'd be great.
And I notice they're having a "meet and|greet" for press and industry people.
Do you know who would|normally cover that?
Fay Olson does entertainment.
Okay. Tell her she can have|the night off, and I'll fill in.
- Hey, Dad, what sort of car is that?|- I can't look now, mate.
These California people are|nice and friendly and polite...
till they get in their cars, then|they turn into crazed wombats.
Quick, Dad, stop,|there's a dog in the road.
Where?
- So where's the dog?|- He ducked in there.
I'll get him.
Be careful.
All right, everybody, stay back.|Don't worry, we'll get him.
I'm on it.
- What's the hell's goin' on up there?|- Come on, buddy!
The guy said there's|something on the road.
He looks like a nut to me.
- Probably a bomb or something.|- It's a what?
- He says it's a bomb!|- It's a bomb! It's gonna blow!
[ All Screaming ]
Come here, boy. Come on.
He won't come out.|He's scared.
That's not a dog.|That's a--
I don't know what it is.|Some kind of possum maybe.
I've never seen|a black and white possum.
I've never seen|a black and white possum.
I think it's a skunk.
How do you know what a skunk|looks like? We don't have 'em at home.
It looks like Pepe Le Pew|in the cartoons on TV. [ Chuckles ]
I thought skunks were|supposed to stink.
[ Sniffing ]|Don't stink.
Come on, boy.|Come on.
[Dispatcher Chattering]
Possible explosive device|and hostage situation.
There we go.
No wonder he's scared.
Those bloody helicopters.
Take off!
We have a very tricky situation|for the police here.
The suspect appears to be|holding a young boy hostage.
Stay where you are!
Put the bomb down!
What?
That's not a bomb.|That's a cat.
Ah, see, just like at home.|The policeman is your friend.
They're here to help us.
That's not a cat.|That's a skunk.
- You can take it from here, guys.|- Uh-uh.
Uh, Mike, I wouldn't|mention this to your mum.
She probably wouldn't understand.|It's man stuff.
Of course, at that stage,|early this afternoon,
we had no idea that the bomb|was, in fact, a skunk.
Officers reluctantly placed|the skunk in a squad car...
to await the arrival|of animal control.
In the meantime, it backed up|traffic on the 101...
[ Volume Increases ] from Calabasas|to Pasadena, the worst traffic jam--
- What are you doing, Mikey?|- Uh, it's okay, love, it's me.
Oh. Mick, are you sure|you want to come tonight?
I mean, it's a social thing,|but it'll be work for me.
I'm lookin' forward to it.
You know, to see if the local people|are as friendly as New Yorkers.
I hope your son feels the same way.|He starts school on Wednesday.
Oh, no worries.|He's, uh, he's just like me, really.
From what I hear, he has enough charm|to stop a skunk from spraying him.
Yeah, well, you know, we were|roarin' down the freeway--
It's okay.
- You looked really cute on TV.|- Bloody television.
## [Rap ]
Not this time, pal.
- [ Gasps ] Mick!|- Call the cops!
Let him go. He's the valet.|He's supposed to park the car.
Yeah, yeah,|take it easy, dude.
- Tip him.|- Sorry.
- Honest mistake.|- Sorry.
Valet?
## [Rap Continues]
- Picture, please.|- Sure.
Mind if we get a shot?
Don't worry. I'll just get|a drink, blend right in.
Okay. I'll come and get you|after I've done the formalities.
[Man ]|Big smile for the camera, please.
All right, that's your Evian,|and this here's...
your sparkling mineral water|with a twist.
Oh, and a straight club soda.
So, you havin' a drink|or doin' your laundry?
G'day. Mick Dundee.|And you're--
Tony. What can I get|for you, Mr. Dundee?
Just a cold beer'll do, mate.|Thanks.
That's typical of L. A. today.|Health nuts.
Worried about what they drink,|worried about what they eat.
I used to be like that|till I found the answer.
Oh? And, um,|what's the answer?
Coffee. Eat and drink whatever you|please, then flush it out with coffee.
So you just drink|lots of coffee.
No. You don't drink it.|I'm talking colonics.
A good coffee enema|leaves you clean as a whistle.
[ Chuckles ]|Bottoms up.
Hey, Tony.|An enema--
Isn't that where they shove|a hose up the old--
- Yep. Lots of people swear by 'em.|- With coffee?
- Cream and sugar?|- It's L. A.
Excuse me, Mr. Rothman.
I'd love to introduce you|to someone.
- Ms. Sue Charleton from Newsday.|- Hello.
Arnan Rothman. Delighted.|Didi tells me you've replaced...
- our late friend, Tom Zetland.|- [ Cell Phone Ringing]
- Excuse me.|- That's a shame. He was a good man,
and he really knew his way|around this business.
Well, I'm afraid I come up|a bit short in that department.
Actually, I was hoping|maybe you could help me out.
- Are you in the cast of this flick?|- Me? Oh, no, I'm socializing.
Networking. Me too. Have you seen|any of these masterpieces?
- No.|- Unbelievable schlock. I kid you not.
Makes you embarrassed|to be in the business.
The only thing I've seen worse than|Lethal Agent was Lethal Agent II.
I read the script on this one,|and it's even worse.
I don't know how these clowns|stay in business.
I suppose you've heard, then,|they're making Lethal Agent IV.
What?
No one told me.|Do you know if they're casting yet?
I gotta call my agent.
I'm planning on following|through on Tom's story...
more about your film company|than this particular film.
- We shot the whole thing in Greece.|- Oh!
[ Gasps ]
Allow me to introduce Milos Drubnick,|our international vice president.
- Sue Charleton.|- Delighted to meet American star.
I'm big fan, all your films.
Well, that's very kind of you,|but I'm a journalist.
- Sue's from Newsday.|- Huh.
Milos handles all our|Eastern European activity.
I could not work over there|without him.
You'll excuse me.
Well, I don't want to monopolize|all your time here.
I was hoping we could catch up|at the studio.
Absolutely.
That's just the way|they do things.
You don't want that, love.
Get some free food in you.|You'll feel a lot better.
You're welcome.
- Hey, you're from down under, right?|- Yeah.
I don't suppose you know|Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson? Ought to.|Bailed him out of jail twice.
You're kidding.|You really do know him?
- I could tell some tales about Mad Mel.|- Please do.
- I could tell some tales about Mad Mel.|- Please do.
I thought you said we were finished|with these prying Newsday people.
She's just following up on|the original story. I'll handle it.
No. Now she want to come snooping|around studio. You should say no.
Look, we're the new boys|in town, right?
We're supposed to be begging|for publicity.
We start banning the press,|they're gonna be all over us.
Leave this to me.
- He takes his shoes off-- Thanks, Tony.|- You're welcome.
Runs outside stark naked.
Sets fire to the building|and burns it to the bloody ground.
[ All Laughing ]
He's a mad bugger.
Excuse me.
Mel Gibson's best friend.|They're practically brothers.
I've seen them together.
Just tellin' 'em a few tales|about Mel Gibson.
- You don't know Mel Gibson.|- Yeah, I do.
You know him too.|Met him at Donk's pub.
Mel Gibson. Tall redheaded fellow,|walks with a limp.
Oh, "Mal. " Malcolm Gibson.|Not Mel Gibson.
Yeah, Mal Gibson.|They know about him over here!
Small world, isn't it?
Hey, Mick. Mick,|you give me a call anytime.
Okay, dude. Hey!|Maybe we'll do lunch.
- Mick, you're starting to scare me.|- I like Hollywood.
Good afternoon.|Welcome to Beverly Hills.
Thanks.
So, your story on the film company|just got red hot.
Tom Zetland's place was robbed,|and they took everything.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.|But how does it make the story hot?
Tom is accidentally killed?
His place is cleaned out, leaving|no clues to what he's working on?
Maybe Tom was|on to something big,
and they had to shut him up.
You think the film people|had him killed?
It's possible.
I had a bad vibe about this|from the start.
I think you should be|careful going out there.
Well, I'm not exactly going|into a Mafia stronghold.
I'm interviewing|a studio head on the lot.
I'm even bringing my family along.|They're gonna do the tour.
Well, all righty, then. Welcome,|ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls,
to the Paramount Pictures tour.
This is where the magic happens,|people. But before we actually begin,
I'm gonna ask you all|to raise your right hand.
Okay, cool. Now what|you're about to witness...
are some of the biggest secrets|of movie-making.
So I must ask that all of you swear not|to reveal anything you witness here.
Do you swear?
Uh, just say, "I do. "
- [ All ] I do.|- Okay.
Righty- o, Jim.
Oh, wow, you're in for|a special treat here today, people,
'cause just up ahead|we're actually filming...
a giant crowd scene for the latest...
Silvergate Studio picture,|Lethal Agent III.
I told you we should've gone|to Universal.
Because quite simply, losses|on the first two movies...
are amortized into the cost|of the franchise.
We're making this movie|for practically nothing.
Okay, but still, wouldn't it|be cheaper to make your films...
either here or in Eastern Europe|instead of both places?
Sure, but our movies are set|in Eastern Europe.
You can't fake|the locations here?
I mean, they're shooting|an African jungle next door.
Sue, can you and I talk|off the record?
- Will you excuse us for a minute?|- Sure.
Quite frankly, the, uh,
the success or failure|of these films...
is of little importance to us.
We're after bigger fish.
There are over|300 million people...
in what was once|the Soviet bloc.
People who are starved|of entertainment.
Movies shot in their own backyard,|starring their own people.
I'm talking about building|major studios, cineplex chains,
even theme parks.
The deal I am talking about will make|Euro Disney seem penny-ante.
Well, this is a great story.|A Russian Hollywood.
And when do we go on record?
[ Sighs ]|Two weeks, tops.
But for you,
Exclusive to Newsday.
And in return?
Postpone the piece you've|already started. Right now, what is it?
It's a-- It's a story|about a small-time studio...
and their two|unsuccessful movies.
[ Chuckles ]|Who cares?
What do you say?
- [ Buzzing ]|- Well,
if it's a Newsday exclusive,|I guess you got a deal.
Claire, why don't you take|Ms. Charleton down to the set.
You can see the glamorous|side of the business.
I'll be in touch.
You are good.
[ Tour Guide ]... where we can transform|an ordinary man orwoman...
into an ape or a clown.
All righty, then. Now, before|we enter this next portal,
it is my duty to warn you that several|dangerous jungle creatures...
have been sighted on the loose,|so keep inside the tram at all times.
I don't want to lose|anyone... again.
- Dad, do you have your big knife?|- Didn't think I'd need it here.
I might have my pocket knife.|What do you need it for?
- In case the jungle animals attack.|- I think we'll be all right.
Okay, look out, folks,|it's a giant deadly anaconda!
- [ Passengers Gasping ]|- [ Chuckling ]
- Well, that's awesome, dude.|- Sorry, reflex action.
Okay. Cool.
Let's get outta here.
[Man ]|Hey, is he part of the show, or what?
G'day.
- Was that more man stuff, Dad?|- You got that right, mate.
- Hey, you two. Did you have fun?|- Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah. So how'd your interview go?
Creepy.
Did you ever talk to someone and think|everything they're saying is a lie?
Yeah. Nugget.
Well, Nugget's harmless.|This guy--
You know what you should do? Your|paper's got police connections, right?
You get the cops to do|a background check on him.
That's the way they do it|on NYPD Blue.
Hmm. Well, I see Mikey's|not the only one glued...
to the TV all day long.
But we only watch educational|programs. Right, mate?
Yeah. Like wrestling.
"Can you smell|what the Rock is cooking? "
- Well, did he behave today?|- Yeah, he was good as gold.
I wasn't talking to you.|I was talking to Mikey.
Oh.
And no more TV.|You start school tomorrow.
G'day. Mick Dundee.
Here to pick up my ankle biter.|It's his first day.
Ah, Barry Katz.|What, uh, grade's he in?
- Uh, fourth.|- Oh, same as my boy.
My boy's in the third.|Eric Berry.
- Hi, Eric.|- Well, you look like an outdoors man.
What do you think of this|whole survival camp idea?
What is it?
The school's puttin' it on this summer.|Teach kids how to survive in the woods.
Fishing, making campfires.|Dads are welcome.
- Oh.|- [Eric ] I think it's a great idea.
Gives them a chance to get in touch|with nature. I'm gonna take Gary along.
Good for you.|Couple of weeks in the bush,
you and your boy,|you'll both love it.
You ever take your boy into the outback|where you were? Down under?
All the time.
Just last month,|I took him into the bush.
Taught him how to kill|a wild boar with a stick.
Kill a boar?|But he's, like, nine years old!
Yeah, well, you know what they say.|Better late than never, eh?
Ah.|See you later, fellas.
Hey, Dad. Ms. Mathis wants to talk|to you. I'll meet you over there.
- Dorothy Mathis, Mr. Charleton.|- Oh, how do you do?
Actually, it's Mick Dundee.|But I'm Mikey's dad.
Oh, Mr. Dundee. Right.
Well, first off, Mikey is|a lovely boy. Bright, friendly.
There's just one small problem,|one we run into all the time here.
We call it|the "Hollywood Syndrome. "
Like when a dad plays|a policeman in a movie,
the children often believe|he's actually a policeman.
Oh, right, you've got|a lot of actors' kids here.
I'm not in the movie business, I'm in|the tourism business. Not so glamorous.
Exactly. Which is why|your son tries to make it...
sound a bit more colorful|than it really is.
Now, it seems harmless,|but little fibs can grow.
What's he been sayin'?
I'm afraid he told everyone|you're a hunter,
and you hunt and kill crocodiles.|[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Oh. He knows|better than that.
Crocodiles are protected.|I don't kill 'em. I catch 'em alive.
Oh? Well, yes, of course.
I'll talk to him.|There'll be no more fibs.
Really nice to meet you, Dorothy.
Looks like a hunter.
Nice butt.
Dad, will you tell the teachers|to call me Dundee, not Charleton?
Oh, sure. We just had to enroll you|at school under your mother's name...
'cause that's your|legal name over here.
Is that 'cause|you won't marry Mum?
Oh, no, we're married...|sorta.
We just haven't done|the legal bit yet.
So what'd the kids say when you told|them your dad was a crocodile hunter?
They said, "Well, what's|he doing in Beverly Hills? "
Smart kids.
Hey, Dad,|what's that man doing?
I don't know.|Let's go and ask him.
Excuse me, mister.|What are you doing?
Well, I'm meditating,|young man.
What's meditating?
Meditating is a special place I go|in my mind where there's no distraction,
and I receive|a great source of power.
Cool. Can you|show us how, please?
Sure. Come forward|and have a seat.
- My name's Mikey. What's yours?|- Hi, Mikey. I'm Mike.
Oh, hi, Mike.|I'm Mick, Mikey's dad.
Mikey, Mick, Mike.|You gotta be kidding me, right?
- No.|- Okay, okay. Hold your legs...
like in a Buddha position,
grab your ankles to|save yourself some discomfort,
and, um, we're gonna take it easy--|close your eyes, relax.
[ Inhales Deeply ]|Inhale the positivity,
[ Exhaling ]|exhale the negativity.
Inhale the positivity,
exhale the negativity.
Open your eyes.|Wake up. Relax.
- How do you feel?|- Very powerful.
And that's the ticket, daddy-o--|power. It's all in the power.
Mikey, would you just hurry up ahead.|I need to talk to Mike for a minute.
- Okay.|- In private.
- Thanks, Mike. See ya.|- You're welcome, Mikey. Take care.
Now, Mike, I need a favor.
You know, Mick, everybody|needs a favor from me.
Well, I need you to help me up.|My knees have locked.
That's my bad right there.|You got it, buddy.
I didn't want my kid to see.|Oh! There.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad, did you see the size of|Mike's muscles? They were huge.
Yeah. You see, you should never|judge a book by its cover.
That Mike-- big man,|built like a brick dunney,
but I could tell straightaway|he was a gentle man.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.|I just know people. It's a gift.
[Man On TV] I need you guys|to tear this place apart.
Ah, it's the bowlin' ball.|Pure heroin.
- I know it's here somewhere.|- Check out the bowlin' ball.
- Hey, what about this bowling ball?|- There, I knew it.
[ Television Continues ]
- Hey, Sue!|- Hmm?
- What are you doin', love?|- Trying to think like a journalist again.
I used to be|pretty good at it.
Not that anyone was gonna put...
Sue Charleton and Pulitzer Prize|in the same sentence,
but, ah, [ Sighs ]|I'm just stumped.
Is it that, uh,|film studio thing?
I'm sure it's an elaborate front|for something. But what?
They're smugglin'.
- Drugs or guns.|- How do you arrive at that?
That's what it always is.
The big money thing they smuggle|into America are drugs.
And the big thing goin' out--|guns.
Oh.
And where did this insight into|major criminal activities come from?
Oh, from TV.|I'm a quick learner.
I look like I just fell off the turnip|truck, but I didn't land on my head.
You know what you need?|You need a mole.
- A mole?|- Me. I'll get a job at the studio.
Oh, Mick, I know you need|something to do, but--
I made a lot of contacts|at that movie party.
I bet one of them|could get me a job there.
Well, what about Mikey? Who's gonna|take him to school in the morning?
I'll get him one of those nannies.|I'll get a good one.
No worry. Leave it to me.|This is important.
See, sometimes I think young Mikey|thinks I'm a bit of a hillbilly.
Well, I am, actually.
I wanna show him that being a hillbilly|doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.
I wanna show him that being a hillbilly|doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.
[ Man ] So our first group,|stroll up the street,
followed by our three businessmen|at a more brisk pace...
and then our two|construction workers!
- Diego Rosales.|- Yeah, Mick. Mick Smith.
Nice to meet you, Mick.
Now, we're in Berlin,|so please walk like Germans!
How do Germans walk?
- One foot after the other?|- Okay.
So, this is a rehearsal!|Background only!
And... action!
What the hell are you doing?
I just wanted my kid|to see me in the picture.
Yeah, well, if you start looking|at the camera during the take,
- they'll take you out of the picture.|- Oh.
- You're new, aren't you?|- Yeah, first role. Bit nervous.
Cut!|Back to one, please!
- Just relax. Watch me, okay?|- Yeah.
Forget about the camera.
We're two working stiffs|on our way to a bar.
- Oh, just pretend it's real life?|- Yeah.
Okay, now, people, we will be doing it|for real this time, and remember--
attention, please!
- Quiet, everyone! Picture's up!|- Quiet!
- Roll!|- Sound speed.
Marker.
Set.|And... background action.
And action.
Stop that man!
- Cut! Cut!|- Man, are you okay?
- What the hell happened?|- It was my fault. I saw him runnin'--
Uh, what happened is that he--|he tried to catch him as he fell.
We saw him trip. He went down hard.|Are you sure you're okay?
- Thanks for trying, buddy.|- Okay, we'll go again.
Back to one! Fast as you can!|We're losing the light!
Hey, thanks|for covering up for me.
I couldn't help it, you know? Reflex.|Sort of like a football flashback.
Football, my ass.|That wasn't exactly a legal tackle.
It is at home. It's called a dowel|and coat hanger. Anyway, I owe you one.
No, no, it's okay.|I had to keep you here.
You're fun. I want to see what you're|gonna do to screw up the next take.
Okay.
Oh, uh, what's the problem,|Michael?
Miss, do people like rats|in America, or are they just pests?
- Why do you ask?|- There's a big rat in the bookshelves.
[ All Screaming ]
[ Gasping, Groaning]
- Is it dead?|- No, Miss.
I only stunned it. Dad says never kill|anything unless you're gonna eat it.
[ All ]|Eww!
I think we'll just put it|outside, please.
He's my best friend, you know?
The key to survival here is you gotta|keep your face away from the camera.
That way they can use you|again and again.
- I've been in every mob scene.|- You're a pro.
All right, everyone!|Settle down!
- Settling!|- Try again.
And background action!
Action.
Watch this! Watch this!|Kiki, get me a drink.
[ Chittering ]
Cut!|This isn't working.
What's the problem|with the monkey?
Sorry. She was fine earlier.|Come here, Kiki. Come here.
Come here.
I don't understand.|She never does this.
Come here, Kiki!
She's just a bit nervous.|What do you want her to do?
- You ever work with animals?|- Yeah.
- Kinda.|- She's supposed to go to the table...
and take a soda|to the actor.
- Diet or regular?|- Whatever. Diet.
- Want a glass?|- She hasn't learned that.
- We're running late here.|- [ Whispering ]
Can we try one more time?|If this doesn't work, we'll drop it.
Okay, back to one.|This is the real thing, everybody.
Concentrating. Roll!
- Picture's up!|- Speed. Marker.
- And background action!|- Action!
Watch this. Watch this!
Kiki, get me a drink.
Make it a diet one.
And a glass too!|Thank you, mein Liebchen.
Cut! Print!|Check the gate.
[Applause ]|Whoo!
[ Whispering ]|Book him.
Look, uh, I got a problem.|All my animals are on the jungle set,
and I can't keep coming|back and forth with the chimp.
So if you'll fill in for me,|I'll double what you're getting paid.
Will I still be on this picture?
Every day.|Kiki's an above-the-title player.
- You got a deal.|- [ Clapping]
You're looking at|the new monkey wrangler.
- Thanks for your help, Diego.|- Dude, Mick!
Hey, hey, this is|a positive career move.
- Reckon?|- I'm telling you, you're gonna go far.
Ah! Don't be a stranger now.
Hell of a nice guy.
Can't act for shit,
but he'll probably wind up|with his own TV sitcom.
- [ Kids Chattering ]|- Mikey!
Wait just a minute, dear.
- See ya, Mike.|- Bye, Mikey.
I suppose your father's|picking you up again.
Nah, he's at work this week.
Oh. Bummer. Well, how are you|getting home then?
I've got a nanny|like all the other kids.
Oh! Which one's yours?
Over there.|The big one.
- Your nanny?|- He's Uncle Jacko from back home.
- And is Uncle Jacko married?|- No, but he's looking.
Hi. Dorothy Mathis.|I'm Mikey's teacher.
G'day, Dorothy.|Call me Jacko.
G'day, Dorothy.|Call me Jacko.
Bloody marvelous.
Los Angeles, eh?
Funny name.
Los Angeles.
Yeah, it means, uh,|"lost angels. "
It's Italian.|Ah, there it is.
I told Sue I'd take you somewhere|really special for dinner.
You're gonna love this place.|Trust me.
Now, pick out what you want|of the menu here...
and you yell it out|into that box.
Two minutes later,|you're scarfing it down...
without even|getting out of the car.
We have these drive-ins|back home in the cities,
but this is|where it all started.
So you can eat like a pig|and no one can see you.
Clever buggers,|these Yanks, eh?
Well, this is why L. A. is famous|all around the world--
for its fine cuisine.
[ Girl] Welcome to Wendy's.|Can I take your order?
Let me handle this.|Good evening, Wendy.
There will be four of us|dining in the car this evening.
So we're gonna need|four triple burgers with cheese...
and four Biggie Fries.
So that's four Classic riples...
- Uh, wait a minute.|- and four Biggie Fries?
Uh, here comes Stan and Harry.
Uh, they'll also be|dining with us tonight,
so we need...|six triple burgers with cheese...
and six Biggie Fries.
Okay. Six Classic ripples|with cheese and six Biggie Fries?
- You know what I'd really like to do?|- What's that?
Go right up on the roof|on one of those skyscrapers.
That's easy.|Just find one that's open.
S'truth. This is|higher than Ayers Rock.
Yeah. Of course, the buildings|in New York are a lot higher.
I was there, you know.
Old New York.
Or as we call it, the "Big Apple. "
Big Apple?|Why do you call it that?
Well, because|it's really big and, uh--
Yeah, but none of those buildings|are as dangerous as this.
What do you mean?
Well, they don't have|earthquakes in New York.
They have 'em here|all the time, right?
Yeah.
We could have one right now.
God!
What do you reckon|it'd do to this building?
Hey, I wouldn't wanna be up here|if she started shakin', eh?
[ Chuckling ]
I've seen enough.|You done?
Oh, yeah.|No point in hangin' round.
This quake-safe?
No worries.
Oh, mate, I need a drink|after all those 1, 286 stairs.
No worries, mate.
Didn't work.
Well, you gotta wait. There's hundreds|of cars going through...
and just us two trying to cross.
Yeah?|Now there's 20 of us, eh?
Yeah, but you can't do that.|It's illegal.
Well, I don't see any cops.
Yeah, but they have cameras|at all these intersections, see?
If you do anything wrong, they take|your picture and send you a fine.
Yeah, but I ain't wearing|a number plate around my neck,
so how the hell are they|gonna know who I am, huh?
When you landed here,|you showed 'em your passport, right?
- Yeah.|- Got your picture in it, dopey.
Oh, yeah, right.
I wonder|how much they fine you.
It all depends on how many times|you push the button.
- This looks like us.|- Great. Texas bar. We're in.
This could be a bit of fun.
These American cowboys|like a good barroom brawl.
- ## [Disco ]|- Howdy, boys. Step on in.
Howdy, ma'am.
- Ma'am.|- Howdy, cowboys.
# It's raining men|Hallelujah #
Stone the bloody crows!
That must've been|one of those poofter bars.
Yup. Only I believe|the correct term is "gay homosexual. "
That's what they call|their shirt-lifters over here.
The only woman there was|the cowgirl at the door.
## [ Rap ]
Give it up, punk,|or I'll blow you away.
- ## [Rap Continues]|- Uh, hang on. I can't hear you.
## [Stops]
- That's better. Now how can I help you?|- Smart-ass cowboy, huh?
- Hand me over your money, man!|- They ain't cowboys.
- They're fools dressed up!|- Fools got money too. [ Laughing ]
- Give it up or I'll bust a cap in your ass!|- Yeah, hand it over, bitch!
Bitch?
Son, you have any idea how quick|you have to be to catch a tiger snake?
I'm always getting mugged.|I must look rich.
It's one of them soft-top cars.|Cave in.
- [Punks Yelling]|- [ Horn Honks ]
- Ow!|- You know,
this must be why they call L. A.|the "City on Wheels. "
What do you mean?
They don't even get out|of their car to mug you.
- Hey!|- [ Groaning] Ow!
It's all your fault, homes!|You shouldn't have called him a bitch!
Should we call the cops?
No point. Over here,|they'd probably end up suing us.
Besides, it's not their fault.
It's the drugs.
I saw all about it|on that Geraldo Rivera.
He knows the streets.
Let's just get a cup of coffee|and go home.
Don't be too hasty|ordering coffee around here.
You might not be too happy|with the way they serve it.
Trust me.
And this is where a big crocodile|almost bit his leg right off.
- Whoa!|- Neat!
Well, to tell the truth, kids,|it wasn't really that big.
No more than 20 feet or so|anyway.
[Boy]|Whoa! That's huge!
- [ Chittering ]|- Yes, I know.
They just don't appreciate|a real artiste. I'd have bit him too.
I thought you were fabulous.
I don't care what that director said.|He's an idiot.
You were really good.
- You said black with one sugar, right?|- Oh, yes.
- Thanks, mate. Excellent.|- And...
I got us a little treat|for our friend here.
Oh, great.|That'll hit the spot.
- Black and one sugar.|- [ Slurps ]
She's a bit grumpy today.
Not happy with|the size of her trailer.
She wants a big one like Virgil,|but I keep telling her,
"Virgil's a lion.|You're only a monkey. "
- [ Chittering ]|- Sorry.
"Chimpanzee. "
Say, have you thought|about changing agents?
Diego, you're talking to a chimp.|They don't speak English.
Neither did my first wife.
Neither did my first wife.
Keep moving, Dravos.
Don't be stupid!|Mind the painting!
[ Muttering ]
Just lean it carefully|against the wall for now.
- [ Thuds ]|- Carefully!
G'day, Phil.|What's happening, mate?
Hi, Mick.|The usual continuity nightmare.
Right.
- What's that mean?|- It means I have to make this set...
look exactly like it did|on location in Yugoslavia.
Yugoslavia. Is that where|all these paintings come from?
Yup. They had them|done there. Dumb.
Would've been cheaper here,|and more realistic.
Oh, so none of these are valuable.|They're just all copies.
Yup, and rather|poor ones at that.
And these huge, tacky frames?|For God sakes.
Don't they usually cart|the sets and the props...
from one country|to another and back again?
Maybe in a big-budget international|movie like Mission: Impossible 3.
But I haven't seen Tom Cruise|hanging around the set, have you?
Tom Cruise.|What's he look like?
Like... Tom Cruise.
Jeez, Mick, were you|born in a cave?
Yeah!|How did you know that?
Never mind.
Jim, the Van Goghs|are down at the wrong end.
See, here they started with|the Gauguins, one above the other.
Let's get this right.|We gotta be done in here tonight.
They're shooting|in here tomorrow.
[ Sniffs ]
[Mick ] You see,|you can mix heroin into a plaster,
make it any shape you like.
So, when I see this guy go nuts 'cause|they bumped the lousy painting,
that's when I knew|where the drugs were hidden--
molded into the picture frames.
Pure heroin, or|as we call it, "smack. "
Jeez, Mick, you really do|think like a detective.
Yeah, well, it comes sort of|natural to me, you know?
- Hey, Mick.|- Ah.
That was the police lab.
Sorry. The frames are just plaster.|There's no drugs.
Oh, bugger it.
I was sure|I cracked the case.
I don't know. Maybe they're not|smuggling anything.
Oh, no. They're sneaking around|with something.
I just haven't found it yet.
Look, I read about this fella,
he used to push|a wheelbarrow full of cow dung...
across the border every day.
"Manure for the garden, " he'd say.|Went on for months.
And the border guards knew|he was smuggling something,
so they'd stop him and rake through|that manure with a fine-tooth comb.
Never found a thing.
Turned out they were right.|He was smuggling something:
wheelbarrows.
Right under their noses.
See, it's there, and I'm just|not seeing it... yet. But I will.
Nah. I reckon he was right|the first time. It's drugs.
They wouldn't go to all|that trouble for wheelbarrows.
Cut! And print.
We'll cut when he throws,|so that'll work fine.
- All right!|- Well done, Paul.
[Assistant Director] Listen, everyone,|we do not burn down the castle now.
That will be|a second-unit shot tomorrow.
That means everyone goes home early|and has tomorrow off.
- Whoo! All right!|- Okay, see you all Friday!
First thing!
[ Man ] And you've actually seen|these paintings quite recently.
Yeah, today.
Well, then that makes it easy.|They're fakes.
You can tell that|from the photographs?
Well, normally, no.|But, you see, these Rembrandts...
and this, The Olive Field|by Van Gogh,
unfortunately no longer exist.
During the bombing|of Belgrade by NATO,
the National Art Museum of Serbia|took a direct hit,
burned to the ground along with|the originals of these paintings...
and possibly the finest collection|of old masters in Eastern Europe.
It was a tragedy|for the art world.
Ergo, these must be copies, fakes.
That, um, Belgrade,|is that in Yugoslavia?
- Yeah.|- Where these paintings come from.
What if it wasn't|an accidental bombing...
and someone removed|the paintings first?
Spoils of war?
Maybe I should take a look at these.|Could you take me to them?
That's probably impossible.
But if I could get one of them|and bring it to you and it was real,
that means the rest|are probably real, right?
You must call me the minute|you find one. I have to see them.
- No worries.|- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, who drew this?|- Pablo Picasso.
I'm a drinking man myself,|but I've never been that hammered.
This'll be a piece of cake.|I know this lot backwards.
- Wait in the car.|- Uh, Mick?
I was gonna say, "Be careful, "
but I guess that's kind of a dumb thing|to say to someone who hunts crocodiles.
No worries.
Of course the difference|is obvious here,
but on film,|it's a perfect match.
- Isn't it?|- All right, we have the paintings.
Now must we continue with|this stupid movie business bullshit?
You really don't get it, do you?
God is in the details.
These came into the country as|film props. Anyone wants to see them--
"Sorry. We burned them.
Want proof? Go see the movie. "
Dead end. Brilliant.
Carl, we need your help.
Carl, that painting should be covered.
I'll be with you in a moment.
- Then who the hell is that?|- [Milos] Stop him!
After him! Quickly!
Shoot low!|Don't hit the painting!
After him!|Seal off the lot!
- Quick! Hold this! Thanks.|- What?
He ran in here.|Dravos followed him.
Cover all the exits.|Go in and help Dravos flush him out.
[ Whispering ] Shh. I know, I know.|Mick said to wait here.
It's his bust, right?
I know. I was just looking.
How'd you get here anyway?|Who's looking after Mikey?
Miss Mathis,|his teacher from school.
I followed you in her car.
Oh. I'll just keep you on hold.
Ah.
[ Screams ]
Keep you on hold. Ha!|I just come out with them.
- Who is this man? How does he--|- I think he's the monkey guy.
Mick, the guy that trains|the monkey. Same hat.
How would the monkey guy|know about the paintings?
Is he alone?|You better hope he's still alive.
Get in there.
[Man On Walkie-talkie. ]|We're entering stage four.
- We'll flush him your way.|- Roger that.
[Bell Ringing]
[ Laughs ]
[ Moos ]
- [ Farts ]|- Oh!
Shoot low.|We need him alive.
[ Whistles ]
- Watch out...|- [ Screaming ]
for the wall.
He's gone to the jungle set.
There's only one way|in and out of there.
- I'm on it.|- Cover the gate till we get there.
[Leaves Rustling]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
High five.
[Man On Walkie-talkie ] Stan, copy.|Boss said don't go in there alone.
- Stan? Stan?|- Too late, mate.
Stan!
Oh, shit.
Did it, um--
I- It... missed, I think.
I hope.
Hi, Mick.
I know you're still here.
Why don't we stop|playing this silly game?
You can come out and...
join your friends.
I have no more patience for this!
[Mick]|Okay, you win. I'm comin' out.
Just don't make|any sudden moves.
You don't have to be so formal.|We're all friends.
You can... lower your hands.
I can't really lower this one.
- And why is that?|- 'Cause if I put this arm down...
and break eye contact,
he might come down here|and tear you apart.
- Who?|- Fella who lives in there.
Look. Up on the rock.
[ Growling ]
Are you nuts?|Can't kill a lion with a. 38pistol.
- You'll just piss him off.|- [ Growling ]
If you shoot anyone,|they better not bleed.
Lions go berserk|when they smell blood.
If I was you, I'd back up slowly|into that cage.
[ Gulps, Clears Throat ]
Uh, yeah.|Surely, that's a...
tame lion.
Yeah. You could be right.
[ Roaring ]
I shoot you. You bleed.
- I take my chances.|- But he's not your problem.
- It's his missus I'm worried about.|- [ Growling ]
I can't handle her.
She's got PMS, I think.|Can see it in her eyes.
Anyway, you do|what you have to do.
I'm getting in the cage...
before his mother-in-law|comes down.
- No! No!|- [ Roaring ]
- Open the door! Open the door now!|- Give me the gun.
You held a gun to my wife's head.
- Huh?|- That's unforgivable.
- I'm gonna help you lose some weight.|- How?
Virgil's gonna come down here and|bite a big chunk out of your fat ass.
- [ Whimpering ]|- Virgil, lunch!
- [ Roars ]|- Sit!
[ Roars ]
Ah.
If you touch me, I will sue you|for every cent you've got.
Ha! Well, that sounds fair.
Hey, that's about 40 bucks.
[ Laughs ]|It's a fair deal.
Bargain.
And how are you, miss?
- What the hell were you doing in here?|- Well, I had to.
My cell phone went dead,
and I had to come in here|to find a phone to call 911.
You're clever, Sue. I never|would've thought of that.
Yeah, well, that's because|she's a Dundee.
Or she ought to be.
Uh, Jacko, keep an eye on|the goons and, uh, block your ears.
- What?|- Block your ears. Private talk.
No worries, mate.
Uh, I have to tell you this.
I was just really scared|for the first time in my life.
Well, that's okay.|Most people are frightened of lions.
No, not the lions.|They're just hungry.
It's when I saw that goon|with a gun at your head.
That's when I realized|how much I, uh--
You know, um--
Will you marry me?
Well, you do rush into things,|don't you, Mick?
Are you sure it's not|just the romantic setting?
Local experts say the value|of the recovered art...
could run as high|as $300 million.
For the very latest, let's go live|to Marta Waller at the scene. Marta?
Thanks, Hal. Right now|the police are taking...
these priceless paintings|into protective custody.
The woman behind me talking to|the detective is Ms. Sue Charleton,
the Newsday reporter...
who led detectives to the cache|of stolen masterpieces.
However, earlier tonight,
he did tell me he is, in fact,|a known expert in the art world.
Isn't that the guy who had|the skunk on the freeway?
- [ Man Whispers ] Hey, Hal!|- We'll have more as the story unfolds.
Right now|let's go to Malibu...
where last night's downpour|of almost a quarter inch of rain...
resulted in disastrous flooding|and massive mud slides...
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
[ Man ]|Sue, do you accept this larrikin...
as your wedded husband?
- I do.|- Mick,
do you accept this lovely lady|as your wedded wife?
No worries.
Fair enough.|I now pronounce you...
husband and wife.
[ Cheers And Applause ]
- Good on ya, Mick.|- All right!
It's official now, mate.|You're Mick Dundee II.
- Cool.|- Now I guess we'll wait and see...
whether you turn out to be|another Crocodile Dundee...
or Michael Dundee,|newspaper tycoon.
Oh, that's a no-brainer, Dad.
I'm gonna be|Crocodile Dundee,
hunter and rich owner|of a big newspaper.
I didn't raise a dumbbell.
Put this on for the photos.
- What for?|- You look like a dork in that suit.
- No, I don't.|- You should look like Crocodile Dundee.
No, I think my crocodile|huntin' days are over.
From here on in, it's...|"Mick Dundee, Private Eye. "
Nah. I'm kiddin'.
[ Women Yelling ]
##
# I come from a land|down under #
# The beer does flow|and men chunder #
# Can't you hear|can't you hear that thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# raveling in|a fried-out combie #
# On a hippie trail|Head full of zombie #
# I met a strange lady #
# She made me nervous #
# She took me in|and gave me breakfast #
# She said do you come|from a land down under #
# Where women glow|and men plunder #
# Can 't you hear|can 't you hear the thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# Buying bread|from a man in Brussels #
# He was six foot four|and full of muscles #
# I said do you speak|my language, brother #
# He just smiled and gave me|a Vegemite sandwich #
# He said I come from|a land down under #
# Where beer does flow|and men chunder #
# Can 't you hear|can 't you hear the thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# Lying in a den in Bombay #
# With a slack jaw|and not a lot to say #
# I said to the man|Are you trying to tempt me #
# Because I come from|the land of plenty #
Last chance for a coldie|before we hit the outback.
G'day, all.|I'm your hostess.
You can call me Ruby or love or|anything, but never late for breakfast.
[ Laughing ]
And what's your pleasure, folks?
Gin and tonic, please,|and a Pims for the lady.
Gin and tonic, please,|and a Pims for the lady.
"G" and "T" and a Pims.
No, I asked for|a gin and tonic and a Pims.
Yeah, well,|there's no harm in asking.
Couple of beers|will be just fine.
That's the ticket, old mate.
- Hey, Nugget.|- G'day, Sue.
- Where's Mick?|- We got a panic call from the Rangers.
They spotted a huge croc|in the Tarrabool swimming hole.
Actually, we tossed a coin to see|who'd catch it, and Mick won.
- He went after it alone, did he?|- No.
Jacko Jackson's gonna|meet him out there.
And Jacko, as you know, is the second|best crocodile man in the territory.
So you got no worries, love.
My only worry is I need Mick|to pick Mikey up after school.
I'll tell Mick for you.|If he gets tied up with that croc,
- I'll pick up the young fella myself.|- Thanks.
I thought you were|the second best crocodile hunter.
- Oh, well.|- Oh, he's just modest.
He's one of the best,|you know?
Hey, Sue. If anything ever happens|to Mick, I'm gonna come courtin'.
Well, let's just hope|nothing happens to Mick.
Now, where are you,|you big ugly bugger?
This is as good as it gets.
Come on.|Come to Uncle Mick.
Big...
big...
big mistake.
Oh, shit.
[ Sighs ]
- G'day, Mick.|- G'day, Jacko.
What are you doing up there?
Just sittin' up here, thinking|about a new career, mate.
Where's your boat?
On the bottom.
- How'd that happen?|- Croc pulled it under.
Pulled it under?
How big was it?
That big.
Now what?
Well, now we scramble ashore|and go to plan "B. "
Don't move.
Well, could be worse, mate.
Oh, yeah?|How's that, Mick?
Well, someone could|see us up here,
up the tree, outsmarted|by a bloody crocodile.
- [ Chattering]|- [ Groans ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
[Woman ] So help me God, if I see|a snake, I'm gonna drop dead.
How are they gonna catch a crocodile|up there in the tree?
So, which one is the second best|crocodile hunter in the land?
[ All Laughing ]
Okay, everyone, we're on|a tight schedule here.
We better keep moving.|Don't want to disturb the hunters.
Back on the bus,|please, folks.
That's the way.
Bloody Nugget.|Great, eh, mate?
Two best crocodile hunters|in the entire Northern Territory, eh?
Yeah.
We look like a couple|of real pelicans, don't we, eh?
[ Both Laughing ]
You know what I hate about crocs?|They got legs. Come on.
Oh, remember the good old days|when we just used to shoot 'em?
Yeah, mate, but if there were no more|crocs, they wouldn't need hunters.
Oh, they'd need hunters...|to keep the wild pigs in control.
Pigs?|Oh, not the same.
I don't want my kid saying,|"There goes my dad, Pig Dundee. "
Do you want to be known|as Porker Jackson?
Well, no.
Nah, we need the crocs, mate.|They make us somebodies.
Without 'em, we're|just a couple of old bushwhackers...
with bite marks on our legs.
We'll get him tomorrow.|Same time.
Hey, I knew a pig farmer called|Porker O'Brien once. Hah!
You know why|they called him Porker?
I hate it when he does that.
Gives me the creeps.
- Thanks, mate.|- No worries.
So, you got out of that tree|all right, eh?
Now, how could you possibly|know about that already?
My people have ways of talking|that no white man can understand.
Arthur, you're so full of bullshit.
No, it's a kind|of mental telepathy, eh?
- Yeah, mental, all right.|- [ Cell Phone Ringing]
Ah, I think we just found out|which one of us is the white man.
Yeah?
Yeah, I heard about that.
[ Laughing ] Yeah, well,|he's standin' right next to me now.
- Oh, great.|- Yeah, okay. Yeah, later.
- So, are you doin' a show tonight?|- Yeah.
Already did the matinee.|Gotta keep the tourists happy, eh?
Oh, well, mate, these days|they're our bread and butter.
That's sort of what we are now in|the 20th century-- tourist attractions.
As they say,|that's show business, mate.
By the way, Mick,
it's the 21 st century, mate.
it's the 21 st century, mate.
Oh, yeah, I-I knew that.
- See you, Art.|- See you later.
- See ya, Troy.|- See ya, Mikey.
- Wanna go fishing?|- Yeah.
- So, what did you learn today?|- Oh, just school stuff.
But we had an earthquake video,
and we learned how they happen|in California, America.
- Did you see one when you were there?|- No, I was in New York.
They don't have|earthquakes there.
People there wouldn't stand for it.|They'd be like,
[ Imitating New York Accent ]|"Earthquake? Hey, this is Brooklyn.
Get outta here.|Forget about it. "
They're tough.
Whoa, homework time.|What's that?
- It's goanna turd.|- That means he's close by. Find him.
- There he is.|- Yep.
- You hungry? Want him for dinner?|- Yuck, no way.
- Then you better miss.|- Dad, I never miss.
[ Gulping ]
Whoa.
Quick, Dad, there's a big razorback|up there. Can you do it?
- Do what?|- You know, that trick. Please.
All right, but it won't work|if you're scared. He'll smell it.
I know. I won't be scared.|I promise.
Don't look at him|till I do.
I really won't be scared|if I can carry your knife.
[ Imitates Growling ]|Cool.
[ Laughing ]
Okay, Dad, I'll talk it over|with Mick. Uh-huh.
No. No, and if we decide|we need to be married,
I promise you'll be|the first to know.
Would you like to say hello|to your grandson? Okay. Hang on.
Hey, Mikey.|Come say hi to Grandpa.
Hi, Grandpa.
Pretty good, yeah.
- [ Sighs ]|- So, what's new?
Oh, Tom Zetland-- he ran|the L. A. bureau of Dad's paper--
was just killed|in a car accident.
- What, was he a mate of yours?|- Actually, no.
But the thing is, Mick, Dad is now|pleading with me to take his place...
while he looks|for a permanent replacement.
What you're sayin' is your dad wants|you to go work for him in Los Angeles.
Mm.
For how long?
Well, I told him I might|fill in for a few weeks.
Well, tell me this, if we lived|over there in the city,
- would you take the job then?|- Oh, sure.
I mean, I was raised|by a newspaperman,
and, well, I don't know, I guess|it just gets in your blood.
That settles it then.|Take the job.
At least for the rest of the year.|Me and Mikey'll go with you.
- You're kidding?|- No. Good for him. Help him decide.
Decide?
- Your dad owns a newspaper, right?|- Mm-hmm.
You're his only child. Someday|Mikey's gonna have to decide.
Does he want to be an assistant|crocodile wrangler...
or the owner|of a big-city newspaper?
That's a tough one.|And the travel will be good for him.
Remember how my trip|to New York...
sort of opened my eyes|to the ways of the world?
Made me a lot more--|What's the word?
- Sophisticated?|- Yeah.
By the way, Mick, what are|you doing with that awful trap?
You're not going to use that|on some poor animal?
No, I'm lending it to Donk.
Some mongrel's been sneaking|into the pub at night...
and knocking off his grog.
[ Chuckles ]|Stealing Donk's beer, well,
- I guess they deserve to be mangled.|- Yeah.
Well, what about you, Mikey?|What do you think?
How would you like to live|in California for a while?
- They have earthquakes there, right?|- Well, yeah, they have had.
Cool.
I thought you might say that.|You're gonna have lots of fun.
Actually, you're the one|I'm worried about.
No, I'm fine.
Um, Mick, I seem to remember|after a few weeks in New York...
you did get pretty antsy.
Yeah, a bit antsy.
Mm, that's what I love about you, Mick.|You're always so unselfish.
No worries.
# Yeah #
# Yeah|Dance, dance, dance, dance#
## [ Woman Vocalizing,|Indistinct ]
[Mick ] Beverly Hills, eh?|Home to the movie stars.
A lot of 'em, yep.
You're not in show business,|are ya?
- No, I'm in the tourism game myself.|- Hey, so am I.
When I'm out driving this.|Actually, though, I'm a writer-actor.
Just, you know, drive the limo|between gigs. Make a lot of connections.
Had Tom Arnold in the car|this morning.
Tom Arnold?
Oh, wife probably knows who he is.|She's- She's in the newspaper business.
- A reporter.|- Yeah.
Here, take one of these.|You never know.
Thanks.
There you go.
That- That's nice.
No, you can keep that.|I got plenty of copies.
Crocodile!
[Sue ] Okay, tax relief plan.|State tax only.
No interest there.|Traffic accidents.
Okay, these figures comparing L. A.|to New York drivers, that's good.
Follow through on that.
Great. So our policy|hasn't changed then?
- How so?|- It's like Mr. Zetland used to say,
[Imitating Mr. Zetland]|"We're a New York paper.
If the news ain't about New York,|then who gives a rat's ass? "
Or words to that effect.
So he wasn't too happy|about working in L. A., huh?
Oh, no, no. Tom loved it here.|No, he loved doing expose features...
and investigating|scams and phonies.
- What was he working on?|- He was doing this feature...
on this new mini studio.
He started to get|really excited about it.
I think he smelled a rat.
But what it was about,|only Tom knew.
Maybe you can find out what sparked|his interest in there. Good luck.
Oh, hey, how are your boys doing?|Are they out exploring?
Oh, yeah. Should be fun too.|For both of them.
- [ Chattering]|- [Man ] Come on, people!
Thank you. Oh, spontaneous|applause, thank you.
Thank you.
All right, a couple of tricks.|Behind the back.
All right, all right,|all right, under the leg.
[Juggler Chattering ]
- [ Bones Cracking ]|- [ Man Groaning ]
[Juggler Continues|Chattering ]
[ Groaning Continues ]
Hey, Dad, look.|There's those girls from Baywatch.
- What?|- Baywatch.
On TV, you know?|The girls that run funny, like this.
And Donk and all the men|in the pub go, "Whoa! "
- What've you been doin' in the pub?|- Whoa! Hey!
- I am so sorry. Whew, muscle fatigue.|- It's okay.
- You all right?|- Hey, do you know what time it is?
Oh, it's about 12:30,|maybe 12:35.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, that's cute,|but you're wearing a watch.
- That's not a watch, it's a compass.|- Oh!
Yeah, I'm new in town.|I couldn't find my house without this.
Really? So where's|your house from here?
Eleven point five miles,|two degrees north northeast.
Called, uh, Beverly Hills.
Bev Hills?|So, you have a nice home?
- Yeah, we got eight dunneys.|- Yeah, that's eight bathrooms.
- Oh, nice. This-This your boy?|- Yeah, that's Mikey.
- So, you married?|- No, he's not married.
- So you got custody?|- Yeah. Well, Mikey's my son.
- Right. So you're a good parent?|- Well, I'd say.
Right. Oh, this is too good.|I finally bump into a cute cowboy.
He's more Robert Redford's vintage|than Brad Pitt's, but that's okay...
'cause he's got a mansion in Beverly|Hills, plus he's got custody of his kid.
That means he'd be a good dad|to my Cindy and this is--
Oh, there's a catch, right?
Nothing this good|ever happens to me.
Are you-- You're not available?|You're- You're gay, right?
Um, most of the time,|pretty happy, yeah.
[ Chuckles ]|Of course.
Cute cowboy, Venice Beach,|had to be gay.
What was I thinking?
- Boy, she was a chatterbox.|- Yeah, mate. American woman.
- She's got a nice ass.|- Yeah. Hey,
you gotta stop hangin'|around that pub.
[ Sighs ]|Who taught you that? Nugget?
- Find anything fishy?|- Yeah. Listen to this.
Silvergate Pictures make their|first movie, right? Lethal Agent.
It's a total bomb.
So the very next picture|they make is Lethal Agent II...
which, of course, goes straight|to video where no one rents it.
And guess what they're doing now|to save their reputation?
- Uh--|- Yeah.
I don't know.|Did Tom talk to these guys?
Yeah. I think he spoke to everybody|from the president of the studio down.
That's when he seemed to get|really excited about the story.
All I can see here is a bunch of|really dumb business decisions.
But, of course,|that's not illegal.
Well, you know, that's|the research I did for him.
Whatever Tom was working on|is probably in his P. C.
I can get the disk from his house,|if you're interested.
That'd be great.
And I notice they're having a "meet and|greet" for press and industry people.
Do you know who would|normally cover that?
Fay Olson does entertainment.
Okay. Tell her she can have|the night off, and I'll fill in.
- Hey, Dad, what sort of car is that?|- I can't look now, mate.
These California people are|nice and friendly and polite...
till they get in their cars, then|they turn into crazed wombats.
Quick, Dad, stop,|there's a dog in the road.
Where?
- So where's the dog?|- He ducked in there.
I'll get him.
Be careful.
All right, everybody, stay back.|Don't worry, we'll get him.
I'm on it.
- What's the hell's goin' on up there?|- Come on, buddy!
The guy said there's|something on the road.
He looks like a nut to me.
- Probably a bomb or something.|- It's a what?
- He says it's a bomb!|- It's a bomb! It's gonna blow!
[ All Screaming ]
Come here, boy. Come on.
He won't come out.|He's scared.
That's not a dog.|That's a--
I don't know what it is.|Some kind of possum maybe.
I've never seen|a black and white possum.
I've never seen|a black and white possum.
I think it's a skunk.
How do you know what a skunk|looks like? We don't have 'em at home.
It looks like Pepe Le Pew|in the cartoons on TV. [ Chuckles ]
I thought skunks were|supposed to stink.
[ Sniffing ]|Don't stink.
Come on, boy.|Come on.
[Dispatcher Chattering]
Possible explosive device|and hostage situation.
There we go.
No wonder he's scared.
Those bloody helicopters.
Take off!
We have a very tricky situation|for the police here.
The suspect appears to be|holding a young boy hostage.
Stay where you are!
Put the bomb down!
What?
That's not a bomb.|That's a cat.
Ah, see, just like at home.|The policeman is your friend.
They're here to help us.
That's not a cat.|That's a skunk.
- You can take it from here, guys.|- Uh-uh.
Uh, Mike, I wouldn't|mention this to your mum.
She probably wouldn't understand.|It's man stuff.
Of course, at that stage,|early this afternoon,
we had no idea that the bomb|was, in fact, a skunk.
Officers reluctantly placed|the skunk in a squad car...
to await the arrival|of animal control.
In the meantime, it backed up|traffic on the 101...
[ Volume Increases ] from Calabasas|to Pasadena, the worst traffic jam--
- What are you doing, Mikey?|- Uh, it's okay, love, it's me.
Oh. Mick, are you sure|you want to come tonight?
I mean, it's a social thing,|but it'll be work for me.
I'm lookin' forward to it.
You know, to see if the local people|are as friendly as New Yorkers.
I hope your son feels the same way.|He starts school on Wednesday.
Oh, no worries.|He's, uh, he's just like me, really.
From what I hear, he has enough charm|to stop a skunk from spraying him.
Yeah, well, you know, we were|roarin' down the freeway--
It's okay.
- You looked really cute on TV.|- Bloody television.
## [Rap ]
Not this time, pal.
- [ Gasps ] Mick!|- Call the cops!
Let him go. He's the valet.|He's supposed to park the car.
Yeah, yeah,|take it easy, dude.
- Tip him.|- Sorry.
- Honest mistake.|- Sorry.
Valet?
## [Rap Continues]
- Picture, please.|- Sure.
Mind if we get a shot?
Don't worry. I'll just get|a drink, blend right in.
Okay. I'll come and get you|after I've done the formalities.
[Man ]|Big smile for the camera, please.
All right, that's your Evian,|and this here's...
your sparkling mineral water|with a twist.
Oh, and a straight club soda.
So, you havin' a drink|or doin' your laundry?
G'day. Mick Dundee.|And you're--
Tony. What can I get|for you, Mr. Dundee?
Just a cold beer'll do, mate.|Thanks.
That's typical of L. A. today.|Health nuts.
Worried about what they drink,|worried about what they eat.
I used to be like that|till I found the answer.
Oh? And, um,|what's the answer?
Coffee. Eat and drink whatever you|please, then flush it out with coffee.
So you just drink|lots of coffee.
No. You don't drink it.|I'm talking colonics.
A good coffee enema|leaves you clean as a whistle.
[ Chuckles ]|Bottoms up.
Hey, Tony.|An enema--
Isn't that where they shove|a hose up the old--
- Yep. Lots of people swear by 'em.|- With coffee?
- Cream and sugar?|- It's L. A.
Excuse me, Mr. Rothman.
I'd love to introduce you|to someone.
- Ms. Sue Charleton from Newsday.|- Hello.
Arnan Rothman. Delighted.|Didi tells me you've replaced...
- our late friend, Tom Zetland.|- [ Cell Phone Ringing]
- Excuse me.|- That's a shame. He was a good man,
and he really knew his way|around this business.
Well, I'm afraid I come up|a bit short in that department.
Actually, I was hoping|maybe you could help me out.
- Are you in the cast of this flick?|- Me? Oh, no, I'm socializing.
Networking. Me too. Have you seen|any of these masterpieces?
- No.|- Unbelievable schlock. I kid you not.
Makes you embarrassed|to be in the business.
The only thing I've seen worse than|Lethal Agent was Lethal Agent II.
I read the script on this one,|and it's even worse.
I don't know how these clowns|stay in business.
I suppose you've heard, then,|they're making Lethal Agent IV.
What?
No one told me.|Do you know if they're casting yet?
I gotta call my agent.
I'm planning on following|through on Tom's story...
more about your film company|than this particular film.
- We shot the whole thing in Greece.|- Oh!
[ Gasps ]
Allow me to introduce Milos Drubnick,|our international vice president.
- Sue Charleton.|- Delighted to meet American star.
I'm big fan, all your films.
Well, that's very kind of you,|but I'm a journalist.
- Sue's from Newsday.|- Huh.
Milos handles all our|Eastern European activity.
I could not work over there|without him.
You'll excuse me.
Well, I don't want to monopolize|all your time here.
I was hoping we could catch up|at the studio.
Absolutely.
That's just the way|they do things.
You don't want that, love.
Get some free food in you.|You'll feel a lot better.
You're welcome.
- Hey, you're from down under, right?|- Yeah.
I don't suppose you know|Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson? Ought to.|Bailed him out of jail twice.
You're kidding.|You really do know him?
- I could tell some tales about Mad Mel.|- Please do.
- I could tell some tales about Mad Mel.|- Please do.
I thought you said we were finished|with these prying Newsday people.
She's just following up on|the original story. I'll handle it.
No. Now she want to come snooping|around studio. You should say no.
Look, we're the new boys|in town, right?
We're supposed to be begging|for publicity.
We start banning the press,|they're gonna be all over us.
Leave this to me.
- He takes his shoes off-- Thanks, Tony.|- You're welcome.
Runs outside stark naked.
Sets fire to the building|and burns it to the bloody ground.
[ All Laughing ]
He's a mad bugger.
Excuse me.
Mel Gibson's best friend.|They're practically brothers.
I've seen them together.
Just tellin' 'em a few tales|about Mel Gibson.
- You don't know Mel Gibson.|- Yeah, I do.
You know him too.|Met him at Donk's pub.
Mel Gibson. Tall redheaded fellow,|walks with a limp.
Oh, "Mal. " Malcolm Gibson.|Not Mel Gibson.
Yeah, Mal Gibson.|They know about him over here!
Small world, isn't it?
Hey, Mick. Mick,|you give me a call anytime.
Okay, dude. Hey!|Maybe we'll do lunch.
- Mick, you're starting to scare me.|- I like Hollywood.
Good afternoon.|Welcome to Beverly Hills.
Thanks.
So, your story on the film company|just got red hot.
Tom Zetland's place was robbed,|and they took everything.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.|But how does it make the story hot?
Tom is accidentally killed?
His place is cleaned out, leaving|no clues to what he's working on?
Maybe Tom was|on to something big,
and they had to shut him up.
You think the film people|had him killed?
It's possible.
I had a bad vibe about this|from the start.
I think you should be|careful going out there.
Well, I'm not exactly going|into a Mafia stronghold.
I'm interviewing|a studio head on the lot.
I'm even bringing my family along.|They're gonna do the tour.
Well, all righty, then. Welcome,|ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls,
to the Paramount Pictures tour.
This is where the magic happens,|people. But before we actually begin,
I'm gonna ask you all|to raise your right hand.
Okay, cool. Now what|you're about to witness...
are some of the biggest secrets|of movie-making.
So I must ask that all of you swear not|to reveal anything you witness here.
Do you swear?
Uh, just say, "I do. "
- [ All ] I do.|- Okay.
Righty- o, Jim.
Oh, wow, you're in for|a special treat here today, people,
'cause just up ahead|we're actually filming...
a giant crowd scene for the latest...
Silvergate Studio picture,|Lethal Agent III.
I told you we should've gone|to Universal.
Because quite simply, losses|on the first two movies...
are amortized into the cost|of the franchise.
We're making this movie|for practically nothing.
Okay, but still, wouldn't it|be cheaper to make your films...
either here or in Eastern Europe|instead of both places?
Sure, but our movies are set|in Eastern Europe.
You can't fake|the locations here?
I mean, they're shooting|an African jungle next door.
Sue, can you and I talk|off the record?
- Will you excuse us for a minute?|- Sure.
Quite frankly, the, uh,
the success or failure|of these films...
is of little importance to us.
We're after bigger fish.
There are over|300 million people...
in what was once|the Soviet bloc.
People who are starved|of entertainment.
Movies shot in their own backyard,|starring their own people.
I'm talking about building|major studios, cineplex chains,
even theme parks.
The deal I am talking about will make|Euro Disney seem penny-ante.
Well, this is a great story.|A Russian Hollywood.
And when do we go on record?
[ Sighs ]|Two weeks, tops.
But for you,
Exclusive to Newsday.
And in return?
Postpone the piece you've|already started. Right now, what is it?
It's a-- It's a story|about a small-time studio...
and their two|unsuccessful movies.
[ Chuckles ]|Who cares?
What do you say?
- [ Buzzing ]|- Well,
if it's a Newsday exclusive,|I guess you got a deal.
Claire, why don't you take|Ms. Charleton down to the set.
You can see the glamorous|side of the business.
I'll be in touch.
You are good.
[ Tour Guide ]... where we can transform|an ordinary man orwoman...
into an ape or a clown.
All righty, then. Now, before|we enter this next portal,
it is my duty to warn you that several|dangerous jungle creatures...
have been sighted on the loose,|so keep inside the tram at all times.
I don't want to lose|anyone... again.
- Dad, do you have your big knife?|- Didn't think I'd need it here.
I might have my pocket knife.|What do you need it for?
- In case the jungle animals attack.|- I think we'll be all right.
Okay, look out, folks,|it's a giant deadly anaconda!
- [ Passengers Gasping ]|- [ Chuckling ]
- Well, that's awesome, dude.|- Sorry, reflex action.
Okay. Cool.
Let's get outta here.
[Man ]|Hey, is he part of the show, or what?
G'day.
- Was that more man stuff, Dad?|- You got that right, mate.
- Hey, you two. Did you have fun?|- Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah. So how'd your interview go?
Creepy.
Did you ever talk to someone and think|everything they're saying is a lie?
Yeah. Nugget.
Well, Nugget's harmless.|This guy--
You know what you should do? Your|paper's got police connections, right?
You get the cops to do|a background check on him.
That's the way they do it|on NYPD Blue.
Hmm. Well, I see Mikey's|not the only one glued...
to the TV all day long.
But we only watch educational|programs. Right, mate?
Yeah. Like wrestling.
"Can you smell|what the Rock is cooking? "
- Well, did he behave today?|- Yeah, he was good as gold.
I wasn't talking to you.|I was talking to Mikey.
Oh.
And no more TV.|You start school tomorrow.
G'day. Mick Dundee.
Here to pick up my ankle biter.|It's his first day.
Ah, Barry Katz.|What, uh, grade's he in?
- Uh, fourth.|- Oh, same as my boy.
My boy's in the third.|Eric Berry.
- Hi, Eric.|- Well, you look like an outdoors man.
What do you think of this|whole survival camp idea?
What is it?
The school's puttin' it on this summer.|Teach kids how to survive in the woods.
Fishing, making campfires.|Dads are welcome.
- Oh.|- [Eric ] I think it's a great idea.
Gives them a chance to get in touch|with nature. I'm gonna take Gary along.
Good for you.|Couple of weeks in the bush,
you and your boy,|you'll both love it.
You ever take your boy into the outback|where you were? Down under?
All the time.
Just last month,|I took him into the bush.
Taught him how to kill|a wild boar with a stick.
Kill a boar?|But he's, like, nine years old!
Yeah, well, you know what they say.|Better late than never, eh?
Ah.|See you later, fellas.
Hey, Dad. Ms. Mathis wants to talk|to you. I'll meet you over there.
- Dorothy Mathis, Mr. Charleton.|- Oh, how do you do?
Actually, it's Mick Dundee.|But I'm Mikey's dad.
Oh, Mr. Dundee. Right.
Well, first off, Mikey is|a lovely boy. Bright, friendly.
There's just one small problem,|one we run into all the time here.
We call it|the "Hollywood Syndrome. "
Like when a dad plays|a policeman in a movie,
the children often believe|he's actually a policeman.
Oh, right, you've got|a lot of actors' kids here.
I'm not in the movie business, I'm in|the tourism business. Not so glamorous.
Exactly. Which is why|your son tries to make it...
sound a bit more colorful|than it really is.
Now, it seems harmless,|but little fibs can grow.
What's he been sayin'?
I'm afraid he told everyone|you're a hunter,
and you hunt and kill crocodiles.|[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Oh. He knows|better than that.
Crocodiles are protected.|I don't kill 'em. I catch 'em alive.
Oh? Well, yes, of course.
I'll talk to him.|There'll be no more fibs.
Really nice to meet you, Dorothy.
Looks like a hunter.
Nice butt.
Dad, will you tell the teachers|to call me Dundee, not Charleton?
Oh, sure. We just had to enroll you|at school under your mother's name...
'cause that's your|legal name over here.
Is that 'cause|you won't marry Mum?
Oh, no, we're married...|sorta.
We just haven't done|the legal bit yet.
So what'd the kids say when you told|them your dad was a crocodile hunter?
They said, "Well, what's|he doing in Beverly Hills? "
Smart kids.
Hey, Dad,|what's that man doing?
I don't know.|Let's go and ask him.
Excuse me, mister.|What are you doing?
Well, I'm meditating,|young man.
What's meditating?
Meditating is a special place I go|in my mind where there's no distraction,
and I receive|a great source of power.
Cool. Can you|show us how, please?
Sure. Come forward|and have a seat.
- My name's Mikey. What's yours?|- Hi, Mikey. I'm Mike.
Oh, hi, Mike.|I'm Mick, Mikey's dad.
Mikey, Mick, Mike.|You gotta be kidding me, right?
- No.|- Okay, okay. Hold your legs...
like in a Buddha position,
grab your ankles to|save yourself some discomfort,
and, um, we're gonna take it easy--|close your eyes, relax.
[ Inhales Deeply ]|Inhale the positivity,
[ Exhaling ]|exhale the negativity.
Inhale the positivity,
exhale the negativity.
Open your eyes.|Wake up. Relax.
- How do you feel?|- Very powerful.
And that's the ticket, daddy-o--|power. It's all in the power.
Mikey, would you just hurry up ahead.|I need to talk to Mike for a minute.
- Okay.|- In private.
- Thanks, Mike. See ya.|- You're welcome, Mikey. Take care.
Now, Mike, I need a favor.
You know, Mick, everybody|needs a favor from me.
Well, I need you to help me up.|My knees have locked.
That's my bad right there.|You got it, buddy.
I didn't want my kid to see.|Oh! There.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad, did you see the size of|Mike's muscles? They were huge.
Yeah. You see, you should never|judge a book by its cover.
That Mike-- big man,|built like a brick dunney,
but I could tell straightaway|he was a gentle man.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.|I just know people. It's a gift.
[Man On TV] I need you guys|to tear this place apart.
Ah, it's the bowlin' ball.|Pure heroin.
- I know it's here somewhere.|- Check out the bowlin' ball.
- Hey, what about this bowling ball?|- There, I knew it.
[ Television Continues ]
- Hey, Sue!|- Hmm?
- What are you doin', love?|- Trying to think like a journalist again.
I used to be|pretty good at it.
Not that anyone was gonna put...
Sue Charleton and Pulitzer Prize|in the same sentence,
but, ah, [ Sighs ]|I'm just stumped.
Is it that, uh,|film studio thing?
I'm sure it's an elaborate front|for something. But what?
They're smugglin'.
- Drugs or guns.|- How do you arrive at that?
That's what it always is.
The big money thing they smuggle|into America are drugs.
And the big thing goin' out--|guns.
Oh.
And where did this insight into|major criminal activities come from?
Oh, from TV.|I'm a quick learner.
I look like I just fell off the turnip|truck, but I didn't land on my head.
You know what you need?|You need a mole.
- A mole?|- Me. I'll get a job at the studio.
Oh, Mick, I know you need|something to do, but--
I made a lot of contacts|at that movie party.
I bet one of them|could get me a job there.
Well, what about Mikey? Who's gonna|take him to school in the morning?
I'll get him one of those nannies.|I'll get a good one.
No worry. Leave it to me.|This is important.
See, sometimes I think young Mikey|thinks I'm a bit of a hillbilly.
Well, I am, actually.
I wanna show him that being a hillbilly|doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.
I wanna show him that being a hillbilly|doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.
[ Man ] So our first group,|stroll up the street,
followed by our three businessmen|at a more brisk pace...
and then our two|construction workers!
- Diego Rosales.|- Yeah, Mick. Mick Smith.
Nice to meet you, Mick.
Now, we're in Berlin,|so please walk like Germans!
How do Germans walk?
- One foot after the other?|- Okay.
So, this is a rehearsal!|Background only!
And... action!
What the hell are you doing?
I just wanted my kid|to see me in the picture.
Yeah, well, if you start looking|at the camera during the take,
- they'll take you out of the picture.|- Oh.
- You're new, aren't you?|- Yeah, first role. Bit nervous.
Cut!|Back to one, please!
- Just relax. Watch me, okay?|- Yeah.
Forget about the camera.
We're two working stiffs|on our way to a bar.
- Oh, just pretend it's real life?|- Yeah.
Okay, now, people, we will be doing it|for real this time, and remember--
attention, please!
- Quiet, everyone! Picture's up!|- Quiet!
- Roll!|- Sound speed.
Marker.
Set.|And... background action.
And action.
Stop that man!
- Cut! Cut!|- Man, are you okay?
- What the hell happened?|- It was my fault. I saw him runnin'--
Uh, what happened is that he--|he tried to catch him as he fell.
We saw him trip. He went down hard.|Are you sure you're okay?
- Thanks for trying, buddy.|- Okay, we'll go again.
Back to one! Fast as you can!|We're losing the light!
Hey, thanks|for covering up for me.
I couldn't help it, you know? Reflex.|Sort of like a football flashback.
Football, my ass.|That wasn't exactly a legal tackle.
It is at home. It's called a dowel|and coat hanger. Anyway, I owe you one.
No, no, it's okay.|I had to keep you here.
You're fun. I want to see what you're|gonna do to screw up the next take.
Okay.
Oh, uh, what's the problem,|Michael?
Miss, do people like rats|in America, or are they just pests?
- Why do you ask?|- There's a big rat in the bookshelves.
[ All Screaming ]
[ Gasping, Groaning]
- Is it dead?|- No, Miss.
I only stunned it. Dad says never kill|anything unless you're gonna eat it.
[ All ]|Eww!
I think we'll just put it|outside, please.
He's my best friend, you know?
The key to survival here is you gotta|keep your face away from the camera.
That way they can use you|again and again.
- I've been in every mob scene.|- You're a pro.
All right, everyone!|Settle down!
- Settling!|- Try again.
And background action!
Action.
Watch this! Watch this!|Kiki, get me a drink.
[ Chittering ]
Cut!|This isn't working.
What's the problem|with the monkey?
Sorry. She was fine earlier.|Come here, Kiki. Come here.
Come here.
I don't understand.|She never does this.
Come here, Kiki!
She's just a bit nervous.|What do you want her to do?
- You ever work with animals?|- Yeah.
- Kinda.|- She's supposed to go to the table...
and take a soda|to the actor.
- Diet or regular?|- Whatever. Diet.
- Want a glass?|- She hasn't learned that.
- We're running late here.|- [ Whispering ]
Can we try one more time?|If this doesn't work, we'll drop it.
Okay, back to one.|This is the real thing, everybody.
Concentrating. Roll!
- Picture's up!|- Speed. Marker.
- And background action!|- Action!
Watch this. Watch this!
Kiki, get me a drink.
Make it a diet one.
And a glass too!|Thank you, mein Liebchen.
Cut! Print!|Check the gate.
[Applause ]|Whoo!
[ Whispering ]|Book him.
Look, uh, I got a problem.|All my animals are on the jungle set,
and I can't keep coming|back and forth with the chimp.
So if you'll fill in for me,|I'll double what you're getting paid.
Will I still be on this picture?
Every day.|Kiki's an above-the-title player.
- You got a deal.|- [ Clapping]
You're looking at|the new monkey wrangler.
- Thanks for your help, Diego.|- Dude, Mick!
Hey, hey, this is|a positive career move.
- Reckon?|- I'm telling you, you're gonna go far.
Ah! Don't be a stranger now.
Hell of a nice guy.
Can't act for shit,
but he'll probably wind up|with his own TV sitcom.
- [ Kids Chattering ]|- Mikey!
Wait just a minute, dear.
- See ya, Mike.|- Bye, Mikey.
I suppose your father's|picking you up again.
Nah, he's at work this week.
Oh. Bummer. Well, how are you|getting home then?
I've got a nanny|like all the other kids.
Oh! Which one's yours?
Over there.|The big one.
- Your nanny?|- He's Uncle Jacko from back home.
- And is Uncle Jacko married?|- No, but he's looking.
Hi. Dorothy Mathis.|I'm Mikey's teacher.
G'day, Dorothy.|Call me Jacko.
G'day, Dorothy.|Call me Jacko.
Bloody marvelous.
Los Angeles, eh?
Funny name.
Los Angeles.
Yeah, it means, uh,|"lost angels. "
It's Italian.|Ah, there it is.
I told Sue I'd take you somewhere|really special for dinner.
You're gonna love this place.|Trust me.
Now, pick out what you want|of the menu here...
and you yell it out|into that box.
Two minutes later,|you're scarfing it down...
without even|getting out of the car.
We have these drive-ins|back home in the cities,
but this is|where it all started.
So you can eat like a pig|and no one can see you.
Clever buggers,|these Yanks, eh?
Well, this is why L. A. is famous|all around the world--
for its fine cuisine.
[ Girl] Welcome to Wendy's.|Can I take your order?
Let me handle this.|Good evening, Wendy.
There will be four of us|dining in the car this evening.
So we're gonna need|four triple burgers with cheese...
and four Biggie Fries.
So that's four Classic riples...
- Uh, wait a minute.|- and four Biggie Fries?
Uh, here comes Stan and Harry.
Uh, they'll also be|dining with us tonight,
so we need...|six triple burgers with cheese...
and six Biggie Fries.
Okay. Six Classic ripples|with cheese and six Biggie Fries?
- You know what I'd really like to do?|- What's that?
Go right up on the roof|on one of those skyscrapers.
That's easy.|Just find one that's open.
S'truth. This is|higher than Ayers Rock.
Yeah. Of course, the buildings|in New York are a lot higher.
I was there, you know.
Old New York.
Or as we call it, the "Big Apple. "
Big Apple?|Why do you call it that?
Well, because|it's really big and, uh--
Yeah, but none of those buildings|are as dangerous as this.
What do you mean?
Well, they don't have|earthquakes in New York.
They have 'em here|all the time, right?
Yeah.
We could have one right now.
God!
What do you reckon|it'd do to this building?
Hey, I wouldn't wanna be up here|if she started shakin', eh?
[ Chuckling ]
I've seen enough.|You done?
Oh, yeah.|No point in hangin' round.
This quake-safe?
No worries.
Oh, mate, I need a drink|after all those 1, 286 stairs.
No worries, mate.
Didn't work.
Well, you gotta wait. There's hundreds|of cars going through...
and just us two trying to cross.
Yeah?|Now there's 20 of us, eh?
Yeah, but you can't do that.|It's illegal.
Well, I don't see any cops.
Yeah, but they have cameras|at all these intersections, see?
If you do anything wrong, they take|your picture and send you a fine.
Yeah, but I ain't wearing|a number plate around my neck,
so how the hell are they|gonna know who I am, huh?
When you landed here,|you showed 'em your passport, right?
- Yeah.|- Got your picture in it, dopey.
Oh, yeah, right.
I wonder|how much they fine you.
It all depends on how many times|you push the button.
- This looks like us.|- Great. Texas bar. We're in.
This could be a bit of fun.
These American cowboys|like a good barroom brawl.
- ## [Disco ]|- Howdy, boys. Step on in.
Howdy, ma'am.
- Ma'am.|- Howdy, cowboys.
# It's raining men|Hallelujah #
Stone the bloody crows!
That must've been|one of those poofter bars.
Yup. Only I believe|the correct term is "gay homosexual. "
That's what they call|their shirt-lifters over here.
The only woman there was|the cowgirl at the door.
## [ Rap ]
Give it up, punk,|or I'll blow you away.
- ## [Rap Continues]|- Uh, hang on. I can't hear you.
## [Stops]
- That's better. Now how can I help you?|- Smart-ass cowboy, huh?
- Hand me over your money, man!|- They ain't cowboys.
- They're fools dressed up!|- Fools got money too. [ Laughing ]
- Give it up or I'll bust a cap in your ass!|- Yeah, hand it over, bitch!
Bitch?
Son, you have any idea how quick|you have to be to catch a tiger snake?
I'm always getting mugged.|I must look rich.
It's one of them soft-top cars.|Cave in.
- [Punks Yelling]|- [ Horn Honks ]
- Ow!|- You know,
this must be why they call L. A.|the "City on Wheels. "
What do you mean?
They don't even get out|of their car to mug you.
- Hey!|- [ Groaning] Ow!
It's all your fault, homes!|You shouldn't have called him a bitch!
Should we call the cops?
No point. Over here,|they'd probably end up suing us.
Besides, it's not their fault.
It's the drugs.
I saw all about it|on that Geraldo Rivera.
He knows the streets.
Let's just get a cup of coffee|and go home.
Don't be too hasty|ordering coffee around here.
You might not be too happy|with the way they serve it.
Trust me.
And this is where a big crocodile|almost bit his leg right off.
- Whoa!|- Neat!
Well, to tell the truth, kids,|it wasn't really that big.
No more than 20 feet or so|anyway.
[Boy]|Whoa! That's huge!
- [ Chittering ]|- Yes, I know.
They just don't appreciate|a real artiste. I'd have bit him too.
I thought you were fabulous.
I don't care what that director said.|He's an idiot.
You were really good.
- You said black with one sugar, right?|- Oh, yes.
- Thanks, mate. Excellent.|- And...
I got us a little treat|for our friend here.
Oh, great.|That'll hit the spot.
- Black and one sugar.|- [ Slurps ]
She's a bit grumpy today.
Not happy with|the size of her trailer.
She wants a big one like Virgil,|but I keep telling her,
"Virgil's a lion.|You're only a monkey. "
- [ Chittering ]|- Sorry.
"Chimpanzee. "
Say, have you thought|about changing agents?
Diego, you're talking to a chimp.|They don't speak English.
Neither did my first wife.
Neither did my first wife.
Keep moving, Dravos.
Don't be stupid!|Mind the painting!
[ Muttering ]
Just lean it carefully|against the wall for now.
- [ Thuds ]|- Carefully!
G'day, Phil.|What's happening, mate?
Hi, Mick.|The usual continuity nightmare.
Right.
- What's that mean?|- It means I have to make this set...
look exactly like it did|on location in Yugoslavia.
Yugoslavia. Is that where|all these paintings come from?
Yup. They had them|done there. Dumb.
Would've been cheaper here,|and more realistic.
Oh, so none of these are valuable.|They're just all copies.
Yup, and rather|poor ones at that.
And these huge, tacky frames?|For God sakes.
Don't they usually cart|the sets and the props...
from one country|to another and back again?
Maybe in a big-budget international|movie like Mission: Impossible 3.
But I haven't seen Tom Cruise|hanging around the set, have you?
Tom Cruise.|What's he look like?
Like... Tom Cruise.
Jeez, Mick, were you|born in a cave?
Yeah!|How did you know that?
Never mind.
Jim, the Van Goghs|are down at the wrong end.
See, here they started with|the Gauguins, one above the other.
Let's get this right.|We gotta be done in here tonight.
They're shooting|in here tomorrow.
[ Sniffs ]
[Mick ] You see,|you can mix heroin into a plaster,
make it any shape you like.
So, when I see this guy go nuts 'cause|they bumped the lousy painting,
that's when I knew|where the drugs were hidden--
molded into the picture frames.
Pure heroin, or|as we call it, "smack. "
Jeez, Mick, you really do|think like a detective.
Yeah, well, it comes sort of|natural to me, you know?
- Hey, Mick.|- Ah.
That was the police lab.
Sorry. The frames are just plaster.|There's no drugs.
Oh, bugger it.
I was sure|I cracked the case.
I don't know. Maybe they're not|smuggling anything.
Oh, no. They're sneaking around|with something.
I just haven't found it yet.
Look, I read about this fella,
he used to push|a wheelbarrow full of cow dung...
across the border every day.
"Manure for the garden, " he'd say.|Went on for months.
And the border guards knew|he was smuggling something,
so they'd stop him and rake through|that manure with a fine-tooth comb.
Never found a thing.
Turned out they were right.|He was smuggling something:
wheelbarrows.
Right under their noses.
See, it's there, and I'm just|not seeing it... yet. But I will.
Nah. I reckon he was right|the first time. It's drugs.
They wouldn't go to all|that trouble for wheelbarrows.
Cut! And print.
We'll cut when he throws,|so that'll work fine.
- All right!|- Well done, Paul.
[Assistant Director] Listen, everyone,|we do not burn down the castle now.
That will be|a second-unit shot tomorrow.
That means everyone goes home early|and has tomorrow off.
- Whoo! All right!|- Okay, see you all Friday!
First thing!
[ Man ] And you've actually seen|these paintings quite recently.
Yeah, today.
Well, then that makes it easy.|They're fakes.
You can tell that|from the photographs?
Well, normally, no.|But, you see, these Rembrandts...
and this, The Olive Field|by Van Gogh,
unfortunately no longer exist.
During the bombing|of Belgrade by NATO,
the National Art Museum of Serbia|took a direct hit,
burned to the ground along with|the originals of these paintings...
and possibly the finest collection|of old masters in Eastern Europe.
It was a tragedy|for the art world.
Ergo, these must be copies, fakes.
That, um, Belgrade,|is that in Yugoslavia?
- Yeah.|- Where these paintings come from.
What if it wasn't|an accidental bombing...
and someone removed|the paintings first?
Spoils of war?
Maybe I should take a look at these.|Could you take me to them?
That's probably impossible.
But if I could get one of them|and bring it to you and it was real,
that means the rest|are probably real, right?
You must call me the minute|you find one. I have to see them.
- No worries.|- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, who drew this?|- Pablo Picasso.
I'm a drinking man myself,|but I've never been that hammered.
This'll be a piece of cake.|I know this lot backwards.
- Wait in the car.|- Uh, Mick?
I was gonna say, "Be careful, "
but I guess that's kind of a dumb thing|to say to someone who hunts crocodiles.
No worries.
Of course the difference|is obvious here,
but on film,|it's a perfect match.
- Isn't it?|- All right, we have the paintings.
Now must we continue with|this stupid movie business bullshit?
You really don't get it, do you?
God is in the details.
These came into the country as|film props. Anyone wants to see them--
"Sorry. We burned them.
Want proof? Go see the movie. "
Dead end. Brilliant.
Carl, we need your help.
Carl, that painting should be covered.
I'll be with you in a moment.
- Then who the hell is that?|- [Milos] Stop him!
After him! Quickly!
Shoot low!|Don't hit the painting!
After him!|Seal off the lot!
- Quick! Hold this! Thanks.|- What?
He ran in here.|Dravos followed him.
Cover all the exits.|Go in and help Dravos flush him out.
[ Whispering ] Shh. I know, I know.|Mick said to wait here.
It's his bust, right?
I know. I was just looking.
How'd you get here anyway?|Who's looking after Mikey?
Miss Mathis,|his teacher from school.
I followed you in her car.
Oh. I'll just keep you on hold.
Ah.
[ Screams ]
Keep you on hold. Ha!|I just come out with them.
- Who is this man? How does he--|- I think he's the monkey guy.
Mick, the guy that trains|the monkey. Same hat.
How would the monkey guy|know about the paintings?
Is he alone?|You better hope he's still alive.
Get in there.
[Man On Walkie-talkie. ]|We're entering stage four.
- We'll flush him your way.|- Roger that.
[Bell Ringing]
[ Laughs ]
[ Moos ]
- [ Farts ]|- Oh!
Shoot low.|We need him alive.
[ Whistles ]
- Watch out...|- [ Screaming ]
for the wall.
He's gone to the jungle set.
There's only one way|in and out of there.
- I'm on it.|- Cover the gate till we get there.
[Leaves Rustling]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
High five.
[Man On Walkie-talkie ] Stan, copy.|Boss said don't go in there alone.
- Stan? Stan?|- Too late, mate.
Stan!
Oh, shit.
Did it, um--
I- It... missed, I think.
I hope.
Hi, Mick.
I know you're still here.
Why don't we stop|playing this silly game?
You can come out and...
join your friends.
I have no more patience for this!
[Mick]|Okay, you win. I'm comin' out.
Just don't make|any sudden moves.
You don't have to be so formal.|We're all friends.
You can... lower your hands.
I can't really lower this one.
- And why is that?|- 'Cause if I put this arm down...
and break eye contact,
he might come down here|and tear you apart.
- Who?|- Fella who lives in there.
Look. Up on the rock.
[ Growling ]
Are you nuts?|Can't kill a lion with a. 38pistol.
- You'll just piss him off.|- [ Growling ]
If you shoot anyone,|they better not bleed.
Lions go berserk|when they smell blood.
If I was you, I'd back up slowly|into that cage.
[ Gulps, Clears Throat ]
Uh, yeah.|Surely, that's a...
tame lion.
Yeah. You could be right.
[ Roaring ]
I shoot you. You bleed.
- I take my chances.|- But he's not your problem.
- It's his missus I'm worried about.|- [ Growling ]
I can't handle her.
She's got PMS, I think.|Can see it in her eyes.
Anyway, you do|what you have to do.
I'm getting in the cage...
before his mother-in-law|comes down.
- No! No!|- [ Roaring ]
- Open the door! Open the door now!|- Give me the gun.
You held a gun to my wife's head.
- Huh?|- That's unforgivable.
- I'm gonna help you lose some weight.|- How?
Virgil's gonna come down here and|bite a big chunk out of your fat ass.
- [ Whimpering ]|- Virgil, lunch!
- [ Roars ]|- Sit!
[ Roars ]
Ah.
If you touch me, I will sue you|for every cent you've got.
Ha! Well, that sounds fair.
Hey, that's about 40 bucks.
[ Laughs ]|It's a fair deal.
Bargain.
And how are you, miss?
- What the hell were you doing in here?|- Well, I had to.
My cell phone went dead,
and I had to come in here|to find a phone to call 911.
You're clever, Sue. I never|would've thought of that.
Yeah, well, that's because|she's a Dundee.
Or she ought to be.
Uh, Jacko, keep an eye on|the goons and, uh, block your ears.
- What?|- Block your ears. Private talk.
No worries, mate.
Uh, I have to tell you this.
I was just really scared|for the first time in my life.
Well, that's okay.|Most people are frightened of lions.
No, not the lions.|They're just hungry.
It's when I saw that goon|with a gun at your head.
That's when I realized|how much I, uh--
You know, um--
Will you marry me?
Well, you do rush into things,|don't you, Mick?
Are you sure it's not|just the romantic setting?
Local experts say the value|of the recovered art...
could run as high|as $300 million.
For the very latest, let's go live|to Marta Waller at the scene. Marta?
Thanks, Hal. Right now|the police are taking...
these priceless paintings|into protective custody.
The woman behind me talking to|the detective is Ms. Sue Charleton,
the Newsday reporter...
who led detectives to the cache|of stolen masterpieces.
However, earlier tonight,
he did tell me he is, in fact,|a known expert in the art world.
Isn't that the guy who had|the skunk on the freeway?
- [ Man Whispers ] Hey, Hal!|- We'll have more as the story unfolds.
Right now|let's go to Malibu...
where last night's downpour|of almost a quarter inch of rain...
resulted in disastrous flooding|and massive mud slides...
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
[ Man ]|Sue, do you accept this larrikin...
as your wedded husband?
- I do.|- Mick,
do you accept this lovely lady|as your wedded wife?
No worries.
Fair enough.|I now pronounce you...
husband and wife.
[ Cheers And Applause ]
- Good on ya, Mick.|- All right!
It's official now, mate.|You're Mick Dundee II.
- Cool.|- Now I guess we'll wait and see...
whether you turn out to be|another Crocodile Dundee...
or Michael Dundee,|newspaper tycoon.
Oh, that's a no-brainer, Dad.
I'm gonna be|Crocodile Dundee,
hunter and rich owner|of a big newspaper.
I didn't raise a dumbbell.
Put this on for the photos.
- What for?|- You look like a dork in that suit.
- No, I don't.|- You should look like Crocodile Dundee.
No, I think my crocodile|huntin' days are over.
From here on in, it's...|"Mick Dundee, Private Eye. "
Nah. I'm kiddin'.
[ Women Yelling ]
##
# I come from a land|down under #
# The beer does flow|and men chunder #
# Can't you hear|can't you hear that thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# raveling in|a fried-out combie #
# On a hippie trail|Head full of zombie #
# I met a strange lady #
# She made me nervous #
# She took me in|and gave me breakfast #
# She said do you come|from a land down under #
# Where women glow|and men plunder #
# Can 't you hear|can 't you hear the thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# Buying bread|from a man in Brussels #
# He was six foot four|and full of muscles #
# I said do you speak|my language, brother #
# He just smiled and gave me|a Vegemite sandwich #
# He said I come from|a land down under #
# Where beer does flow|and men chunder #
# Can 't you hear|can 't you hear the thunder #
# You better run|You better take cover, yeah #
# Lying in a den in Bombay #
# With a slack jaw|and not a lot to say #
# I said to the man|Are you trying to tempt me #
# Because I come from|the land of plenty #