Crooks in Cloisters (1964) Movie Script
1
(Whistle blows)
(Brakes screech)
Congratulations, Superintendent.
I take it was your idea to switch the registered mail to the other end?
- Take what you like, but don't print it. - Of course not.
Super, you've done a lot of cleaning up lately.
Who's left that's big enough to pull off a deal like this?
- Well, who do you think? - Little Walter and his crew?
Carry on guessing like that and you'll wind up editor.
- Looks as though you were right, sir. - 1 am. A jeweller, a Post Office, this.
If that mob think they can carry on where the others left off, it's a big mistake.
"Come live with me and be my love and we will all the pleasures prove
"that hills and valleys, dale and field and all the craggy mountains yield."
(Sighs)
That was smashing, Willy. Smashing.
- "And if these pleasures..." - Oi, Bikini!
- What? - Darts!
I ain't got no darts!
Pity you don't get yourself educated like Willy the Poet.
Come on, cut the cackle.
That's the trouble with you, Walt. You ain't educated.
You and Willy get yourselves educated. Leave it for Little Walt to pay for it.
Go on, Willy.
"And if these pleasures may thee move come live with me and be my love."
- (Bell rings) - Come on!
Come on! Get home! Come on, faster!
Mind the suit, dear! Faster!
Go on! Yeah!
Let's go and cop.
(Cackles)
One and half down to Squirts.
- There's a message for you, Squirts. - Yeah? Go on.
The top jolly said you're to go to the warehouse. Urgent.
And he said something about don't forget to take the plates.
Here you are, Squirts. One and a half.
I feel really lucky tonight. I could really knock em bandy tonight.
Never mind, get your finger out. Let's have it away.
Magnificent. Now we will wine and dine and I shall be the envy of all.
{Knock at door)
- Come in. - Excuse me, m'lady.
A message for Sefior Lorenzo.
It appears he's wanted immediately at the...gaff, I think the gentleman said.
- Thank you, Pemberton. - M'lady.
- I'm so sorry. -Soam I.
But as they say in my country...
...there is always mariana.
(J Latin music)
Oh, she looks smashing. I like the way she does that.
She's dead hot. I like the way she moves.
{Phone rings)
Clancy's Bar.
-'ls Specs in the club? - Specs?
- What's up now? - Sounds like the boss.
Hello.
No, sir.
Superintendent...
"No milk until further notice."
The weasels!
- Have more of this. - Cheers.
- We're all out of... - Hey, Squirts!
This place is harder to get into than that Post Office was last week.
What is this? A case joint? Get these scrubbers out of here.
- What about her, then? - Out!
Come on, come on.
(Girls grumble)
Trust him to spoil the evening.
That Mungo should hang from the thumbs.
Never you mind, Specs. Leave it to me.
I've got a big programme laid out for you lot.
Mungo ain't gonna make it easy,
but I think if we play our cards right we can continue in business.
Right now, we've got to get out of town.
If we could get to Malaga, I have an old aunt there, she could hide us.
- Unless you've got a place laid on. - Walter told you not to worry, didn't he?
Course Wall's got a place. What place have you got, Walt?
The right kind of place, Bikini.
So the net closes, the fish struggle. But the ocean is deep.
Oh, it's off again(!)
Somewhere there's a place where six little fishes might disappear...
Do us a favour, Willy, will you?
- Little Walter's found it for her. - Where is it, Walter?
An island down in Cornwall.
An island?! Are we gonna live on an island?!
- I'm not. - Yeah, yeah...
- Squirts, did you bring the plates? - Here. What's all this about an island?
- What's this, your cosh? - That's me supper!
- You won't get me on an island. - Not me neither, that I... Cor!
- Gee, beautiful. - This is perfection.
We'll get a stack of mazuma out of these.
Jack the Baker made a stack, but wasn't around long enough to spend it.
- Mungo moved in too fast. - The snide rhino went under the match.
Never mind the snide rhino. What about this snide island?
- (All) Yeah. - Yeah, well, I'll tell you about that.
I've invested some of you boys' money in a nice place with full mod cons.
Somewhere off the coast of Cornwall. Here we are.
"On the sleepy island of St Pancras, bathed in summer sunshine
- "and only one hour from Land's End." - That sounds all right.
Perhaps I can get in a bit of fishing.
I could bring the golf sticks. There must be a golf course by the shore. Fabulous!
I could do some of that old sunbathing, get stretched out on the golden sands,
all covered in oil, soaking up that lovely sunshine, all glistening! Eh?
(Bikini) Oil
I wanna see you!
- 'Ere, what's she on about? - Never mind. Get the gear unpacked.
- Funny, though, innit? - Give us a hand with these bags.
Who put all this on top of my gear? Get out of it!
What sort of a gaff is this?!
There ain't a bathroom! Not even a mirror!
And the old whatshisname is on the edge of a cliff!
Stop worrying. This is going to be a rough run. Rougher than you think.
- We've got to live like the real monks. - Walt, you said you'd look after me.
I am, Brother Specs.
Another thing, this Walt stuff needs knocked on the head.
- All you layabouts are brothers now. - Brothers(!)
There's a bogey on the mainland with a nice, shiny whistle.
He might be a bumpkin, but he's still a bogey.
He has to think we're real monks,
same as all the other schnorrers. So we've got to work like monks.
Now, starting with you, Brother Bikini, you're fixing the eats. You're cookie.
Cookie?! Me?!
I can't make a pie with tailor-made pastry and tinned fruit! I ain't never cooked!
Nor have I and you'll learn quicker. You're cookie.
- And in your spare time you can sweep. - Sweep?!
- And a bit of scrubbing. - Fine thing, innit?
I said you'd turn me into an old scrubber!
Poor old Bikini. You put the block on her!
Yeah! And now I'm going to put the block on you.
I've got a few little labours for you lot as well.
Aah! Ah!
Oi! You 'orrible...!
What are you doing down there, Willy?
What am I doing this job for?! Great 'orrible, grunting grunters!
Clear off! Get out of it! Get out of it!
Read 'em a drop of the old Harry Longfellow.
That'll put the kibosh on em.
Eew! You ought to do something about that.
How you getting on with the chickens?
- I haven't been to see them yet. - Well, don't upset them.
We don't want you breaking any of their eggs.
The way Bikini cooked them pilchards,
we need all the eggs we can lay our hands on.
- Keep at it, son. - Thank you...for nothing!
This is certainly not Spanish onion.
English(!)
Perseverance, Brother.
Oh, blimey.
Ohh...
- (Whistles) - What?
Get on with the work!
Come and do it yourself, then! I'm fed up with this lot.
Just cos I'm wearing blinkers he thinks I'm a bleedin' horse!
Every time I... Ow!
Hello, Tosh. What are you doing here, eh?
Oi! Are you hungry?
What's the idea of leaving you all tied up? Now you can nip away for a chat.
Fancy leaving you here on your tod. A diabolical liberty.
- Oh, morning, squire. - Everything under control?
I be a-seein' after your apples, sir.
And I be a-thinkin' we'll be 'aving a nice apple pie for supper.
And I be thinkin' we won't. That mangy antelope has beaten you to it.
Oi! Tosh! Put 'em back, will you? Put 'em back!
You skinny-gutted, hungry-looking mongrel!
Look at that!
I think it's ready, Brother Specs.
- You reckon it is? - We'll soon find out. Go ring the bell.
Get moving!
(Bell chimes)
Hey! What's going on?! Put me down there! Help!
- Walter! Walt! - Eh?
Stop ringing them bells! Walter!
HELP!
(Crash)
Boy, am I starving!
The change of air makes the appetite big!
I could eat a crocodile stuffed with camel!
- And it looks as if we're going to. - Yeah, it is a bit grim.
- How many, Brother Walt? - Eh?
- I ain't doing the Indian rope trick. - No... Oh, yeah.
I'll have a couple.
- How many, Brother Squirts? - I'd go for zero, if I was you.
Well, I'll chance a couple as well.
'Ere, what are they?
Sausages! What do you think they are? Deformed scallops?!
Did you torture them?
Once I have a sister in a Madrid caf who serve up a meal like this!
- What happened? - She had to take to the hills!
Did you 'ear that, did you?
Well, I'm stating right here and now that this pot watching lark is a load of po!
- Also the cookie's job is now vacant. - Turn it in...
I don't want nobody upsetting Brother Bikini!
If any of you wanted anyone to do some expert shoplifting,
you'd be glad of her help, right?
And now she's learning the cooking game.
I reckon her sausage Bolognese is great.
- Succulent. - You what?
I find them succulent.
No doubt, in time, the stomach will rehabilitate itself.
In case you baboons think this ain't no treat, information in advance:
you're getting cold pilchards for breakfast.
{Door slams)
That horrible Mungo, he's a creeping disease.
You're a lucky lot of chaps. Your Uncle Walt's done you proud on this caper.
One thing we have got here is plenty of accommodation.
Now, come on. You each have a nice, comfortable flop all to yourselves.
All private, like. There we are.
Hey, Walt, this is just like the nick!
- Yeah, sort of homely, like. - So real monks do bird all the time?
The monks, Brother Specs, live a life of hardship and privation.
What's that, then?
Are my peepers getting worse or is that just a plank of wood?
- Your peepers are serving you very well. - We should give ourselves up to Mungo.
Five, six, seven years we'd be free. Nice and easy.
These apartments, Brother Walt, they're all the same?
- Yeah. Don't fight. Take your pick. - Hey, have you picked yours?
Well, Bikini's fixing up the head boy's office for us two.
Charming.
With me having to get up so early to milk them cows,
I don't want to waken you good brothers.
You're going to set yourself up all ritzy, while we serve time in the dungeons!
No, it ain't like that, it's like I said.
Of course it ain't(!) You'll have it all smooth, all posh, carpets on the floor.
No, you know me. It's not me. It's Bikini.
Of course, it ain't you(!)
- You know what women are like. - We did, but we'll soon have to forget.
Now look, Bikini won't stand for that: me down here and her up there.
If we're going to be celibate monks, so are you!
Boys, no, come on! What's all this?
"When the poor hath cried, Caesar hath wept."
- Oh? Caesar wept, did he? - Yeah.
- Walt, if you think... - All right! I'll have it in the dungeon.
Bikini gets the office.
Brother Walt, you've just become our Father Superior.
I have? Father Superior?
Ooh, yeah. That's nice.
I like that.
Father Superior, eh?
{Cows moo)
Good morning, ladies! How's tricks?
What do you know for a pound, then?
Now, girls, I'm going to line you up straight.
Right from the start I want you to know that I ain't too well up on this lark.
So if you lot will be a bit co-operative and squirt it out nice and easy,
I'll be most obliged to you, won't I? 'Ere we go.
(Moos)
That's right. Let's have a bit of music.
Now then, let's have a nice drop of Gold Top.
'Ere, what's up?
What's the matter with you? Eh?
Yeah, you, rough chops.
You naughty Buttercup.
You'll get me in bad if you don't come up with some juice.
I'll look a right Charlie if I go back and tell them I ain't pulled it off, won't 1?
I've got to set an example. I'm the Father Superior.
So listen here. I'll tell you what.
You just pretend that I'm your old mate, eh? Let's all be nice and friendly, eh?
Shall we try it? Let's have another bash at it, then.
Good girl.
J To plough and sow and reap and mow
J And be a farmer's boy
J And be a farmer's boy J
'Ere, Lorenzo, how long have we got to put up with this?
- About a year, I should imagine. - What?
Unless something nice happens, like Mungo dying all of a sudden.
That Mungo... I hate him! I hate the sight of his face.
If I never see him again, it'll be too soon.
- Hey... - What's that, then?
Look, Brother Willy! Look what I got!
- Oh, milk. - Yeah! I got it from the cows, I did!
- What is it, Brother Walt? - Look, I got milk!
- So you have. That's nice. - What's all the shemozzle?
- I was showing Brother Willy me milk! - That's a funny thing to be doing, ain't it?
What's going on? What's the matter?
- Look! - So what? It's only milk.
- Of course it's only milk! - Did you open a few tins?
This is genuine milk. Nothing crooked. I got this from two lady cows.
It's usual to get milk from the cows. I have a cousin who does it all the time.
Nothing to it, eh? Wait 'til you start grappling them onions, Brother Lorenzo.
Then you'll maybe think it IS a big deal.
Brothers, brothers!
Anybody who can extract milk from a cow without taking a course of instruction
is deserving of nothing less than praise.
It looks to me like Father Superior's pulled it off again!
I think I'll take it to show Bikini. She'll be proud of me.
She'll be thrilled to bits(!)
Yeah, I reckon she will.
Ere, Bikini! Have a look at this. See what I've got.
- What? - You still in bed?
Is it late?
What time is it?
Eh?
- I've got to get up. - No hurry...
Oh! What's the matter with you? You was never like this before.
This is gonna be a rough run, Brother Walt.
Rougher than you thought.
Oh, nice. Very nice.
It's a lovely old crop today.
Oh, gawd. Look at that.
Ah, Brother Lorenzo!
- No onions? - He did bring you an onion yesterday.
Oh, so he did. Big deal(!)
Please, don't speak to me of onions! All the time, onions!
I smell onions, taste onions! In my sleep I see onions! I'm screwballs!
Are these the fingers of an artist? THEY are like onions!
They look all right to me. A bit knobbly, but a fair old set of forkers.
No, it ain't good, Brother Walt!
Whoa! Hold everything.
Here comes Dan Archer with his contribution.
Only three?
Oh, dear. Looks like I'll be the only one eating breakfast again.
You great big greedy melt!
Brother Walt, I've had it!
That big, fat, "orrible piebald porker has pushed me in the feeding trough again!
- She's out to get me, that one. - I'll have a serious talk with her.
And them chickens, they're violent. They come at me like wild things!
That I CAN fix for you.
I'm in with the head boy. I'll put the big squeeze on.
What a right diabolical lot you are.
Three days out there in the farmyard
and all you come up with is a lot of lousy throw-outs.
I keep on digging, Brother Walt, but I never find nothing.
If there is any taters in them hills, it'll take a steam shovel to find em!
I reckon you've been sold a pup here. It ain't a going concern.
The apples are all up in the trees, looks like they're never gonna fall down.
Up in the trees? Of course they're up in the trees!
Same as taters is down in the ground and lettuces is...wherever lettuces is!
It's up to you lot to sort them out. And you,
Chaucer, get among them chickens and rattle some eggs out of 'em.
{Phone rings)
- "Hello, Walt? - Yeah, speaking.
- "This is Ginzy.' - Oh, hello, Ginzy. What's buzzing?
Everything's picking up.'
Oh, good, lovely. Nice. Sounds like you're really going to town.
"We had Wills and Peabody last night.'
Wills and Peabody, eh? They're not larking about, are they?
Listen, Ginzy, who's running the jelly mob now?
- 'Dangerous Herbert.' - Oh, Dangerous Herbert?
Tell him we can handle all the gear he can get.
Little Walter is in the market for loot.
Wow!
Little Walter's mob will soon change the shape of these.
Right, sharpish, like. Whack 'em round to Ginzy.
- He'll get them to Little Walter. - Right.
Careful. Careful.
- It's lovely. - Come along, me pretty little mackerels.
I'll have a quick word with the Father Superior
and we'll have a nice look round.
Would you mind if we stay on the beach?
Of course not. You go and enjoy yourselves.
But I'm leaving at one o'clock sharp. Must get back before the pub shuts.
Come along, boys and girls. Mind how you go.
Ho ho!
Squirts, look at this.
'Ere, Lorenzo.
I like your bikini. That's nice.
- What are they doing? - Little darlings. Look at "em.
And look at us. All cluttered up in these rotten old cassocks.
Nearly there.
Run! Run!
- Oh, look at her. That big lumpy one. - Where?!
Cor, she'd do me, that one. She's a bit like old Fidgety Kate.
- Oi! Hey! - Ssh! Quiet!
- What's the matter with you? - The brunette with the lovely long limbs.
For just one moment with her
I would crawl over 17 miles of broken bottles.
Yeah, and die with your boots on!
Coming!
Oh, dear.
- What's happening? - Oh...
- Here she goes. Watch this. - Which one?
Another one. Over she goes!
Oh! Get in, Tosh, boy.
Don't go mad. I'll go mad for you!
Well, that's unblocked your flue.
You didn't have to sling a whole tin of paraffin on!
- That was a right old fry up. - Yeah. You've just blown out your dinner.
- Why didn't you move it? - I didn't know half of Cornwall was there!
I think I'll go and have a little rub down. Any other jobs, give us a shout.
- And what do you want? - Fill the pail for the curly tail.
And I away to the sty will sail. Pig swill.
Now come on, puff off, the pair of you! And keep those other jokers out.
- I've got to have a bath. - Need any help with that?
Get out of ere!
- Ah, that's it, Mary. - Lovely, isn't it?
You wait over by the big door. I think I know where I can find him.
- He's probably in the garden. - Right, come along, Mary.
Come along, dear. Now be careful.
'Ere, what's your game? What are you sneaking about after?
I'm Phineas Pendennis. Where's Father Superior?
Father Superior?! Oh, that's me. I'm the Father Superior.
You are?!
Oh, well... I just bought a party of trippers to see over the monastery.
None of that. No visitors, no trippers.
No fishing or trips round the lighthouse. This is a monks' island, for monks.
- But this is my living, Father... - Sorry, son. No visitors.
Monks' island? What about that piece I saw pop out of the galley?
- Piece? You must be dreaming. - You must be dreaming if you think I am!
I know a bit of plum duff when I see one.
What are you talking about?
Listen, I've sailed the seven seas, I've fought where the black flag flies.
I've been a pirate and a smuggler and I took what I wanted
and that includes the local beauties.
- Oh, you're an old smuggler, eh? - Yeah.
You've done a bit of pirating, eh?
Well, perhaps I can give you a job that's a bit better
than rowing earwiggers across the pond.
You just hang on, me old Phineas.
Let me get me smother on first.
- Well, this won't do, will it? - He does seem gone a long time.
Fellow's got himself lost. Perhaps we'd better go inside.
- Come along, Mary. - Ridiculous!
Hello?
I think we'd better try down here. Come along, Mary.
You'll get your first lorry load tomorrow morning.
You'll be laughing.
We'll all be laughing, eh?
Here we are, then.
'Ere, where did you leave that team of yours?
Oh, outside by the big door.
Come on, then.
Ooh...
They've gone!
If they're going where I think they're going, we're in dead trouble!
Come along, Mary.
I think this is called a refectory.
That must be the kitchen. Bound to find someone there.
Come along, Mary.
(Willy) Shut that door!
You mustn't open that door today.
Don't you know what today is?
Today is, er, St Daniel's Day. A-And this is St Daniel's room.
It goes back a long time. A long time.
It goes back to... to when St Daniel here...
heard that the good swineherd had lost his last and only pig
with the dreaded palsy. St Daniel felt great sorrow for him
and, gathering around him the frogs in the lake, the fish from the sea
and the birds from the sky, St Daniel said,
"Take them and care for them. And shelter them in your barn."
This the good swineherd did and next day, to his amazement,
to the joy of his wife and hungry children, the barn abounded with pigs.
And that's how St Daniel saved the day. Isn't that so, Father?
Oh, yeah, definitely. He was one of the boys.
That's very interesting.
Tell me, who's that chappie over there?
Father, perhaps you'd like to tell our guests about that gent?
Oh, that one? Fred.
Yeah, he's one of the boys, too. It's him we thank for being here.
- Oh, your benefactor? - Yeah, he's a right old...benefactor.
(Bell chimes)
Oh, what a shame! Tea break.
Union rules. All out.
(Whistles) Come back!
- Come again! - Ta-ral
(Girls) Bye!
Ta-ra!
- They won't come back now. -Oh...!
- (Tosh bleats) - Shut up!
Come on. This way.
Heave to, mate, until I see if the coast's clear.
- Shut the gate. - Right.
What are you doing, Junie?
Scrubbing the floor on a beautiful morning like this?
- It ain't right. - But I always scrub it every Wednesday.
Do you? Well, we have to put a stop to that, then. Here.
Take this. Go into Newquay and get yourself a lovely new dress.
- Seven and six? - Spend the lot, my little lobster.
I don't know what's come over you, Granddad,
but seven and six isn't enough to buy me a new dress.
- Not enough? - No.
- What could you get one for, then? - Two pounds. Perhaps 30 shillings.
Oh.
Better make it 30 bob.
Never mind that, sweetheart. Granddad will see to it.
Hurry along now. Don't miss your bus.
Oh, no.
Well, are you sure you'll be all right?
- Yeah, you run along. - OK, then.
- Have a lovely time. - Thank you, Granddad.
- Bye-bye! - Bye!
Look forward to seeing you in your new dress. Bye.
- Thanks, Granddad. Bye! - Goodbye.
Bye-bye!
Hey, miss! Young lady!
- What do I do now? - Sit tight! I'll throw you a line!
Oops! All right?
Make the boat fast, Brother, or you'll lose that as well.
- Are you all right, Brother? - Yes, thank you.
Thank you for your help. My name's Willy. Brother William.
It's nice to meet you. You're one of the new monks.
Yeah. I nipped over to buy gumboots.
- I look after the pigs. - Oh, gumboots.
I'll take you to Mr Blackman. He seems to have everything.
Now let's run me spyglass over this little lot.
(Rattles)
It don't sound full of hymn books.
Blast it! Cunning, conniving barnacles!
Tulip bulbs?!
I'll bet they never flower.
Cor!
Stone the crows! It's just like Christmas.
They hurt a bit.
- They're a bit stiff, too. - These others are 30 shillings dearer.
30 bob?! That's noth... That's an awful lot of money.
In that case, I'll take the cheaper pair.
Thank you, sir.
These.
Well, thank you for everything, Miss Pendennis.
You've been a great help.
I'll say goodbye for now,
but perhaps I'll see you when I come again.
Well, goodbye once more.
Thanks. I hope...
Oh! The oar.
Just a minute.
I was wondering how you came to lose that oar, but I quite understand it now.
I suppose you realise by this time I'm not a great seafaring man.
Well, you can't be good at everything.
I expect you're an absolute wizard with pigs.
Oh, yeah. I'm very good with pigs.
If you're not in too much of a hurry,
I could give you a few hints about handling the boat.
It might make it easier for you.
On such a fair day, with such a fair teacher,
twould be truly unfair to refuse.
Whoops!
- All right? - That's it.
Right now, keep your hands even and... ready?
That'll do.
You wouldn't have a drop of something to lubricate a sailor's parched gizzard?
I've a tongue like an Aborigines nightshirt.
Specs, give him a snifter. He ain't a bad old sort.
- Thank you, Father. - Walt?
(Specs) Give us your glass, Pops. I'll fill it up for you.
Say when. Blimey, you've got a bit of a thirst!
Now then, Phineas, you're sure no one saw you come across?
No, I used the little row boat. Quiet as a shadow in the night.
I came across the water like a gannet after a herring.
Good. Now then...
We need you to do the trip two or three times a week.
If you want the job, button your lip.
You can rely on me.
If I might give you a bit of advice, Father...
Yeah?
Get your bell-ringing times right.
I don't know about all the others, but the pub in the village opens on Vespers
and closes on Benediction.
Oh, very adjacent.
Brother Specs, you're bell boy. Get the gen on the times.
You're thinking along the right lines, Phineas.
(Willy clears throat)
Anyway, if you notice anything else dodgy on this set up,
come and tell the old Father Superior.
Now then, me old barnacle,
I think it's high time you and me had a nice little chat.
Don't drown yourself now. Don't forget you're driving.
{Phineas burps)
Granted.
Now then, them tulip bulbs ain't the ordinary kind.
They're very special. If somebody nicked one of them bulbs and tried to flog it,
he could get into a big bundle of trouble.
Just being caught with one of them bulbs in his cottage,
an old fisherman could get 18 months in the nick.
Oh, yes, sir. A very bad thing, sir.
Yeah, ere.
I reckon you deserve an extra couple of quid a trip, danger money.
- There you are. - Thank you, sir.
And if I...happen to see any of those tulip bulbs
that have tumbled out of the sack, I'll see you get it back.
That's right, Phineas. 'Ere, this will see you across the drink.
Thank you, sir. And my regards to your good lady.
That's a good lad.
Ahh!
- Brother Specs! - Hello.
Benediction.
J I've never seen Southampton
J I've never seen Brazil
J But the Don and the Magdalena I go there when I will
J Ayayay...J
(Bells chime)
(Bells continue to chime)
Doesn't the bell sound beautiful over the water, Father?
Returning like this makes me realise how much I've missed the sea.
- Do you feel like this, Father? - I do, Brother Lucius.
It's hard to think that we don't belong here any more.
Hey, Walt! Brother Walt!
I've just spotted them: there's two geezers coming this way!
- Bogeys? - No, monks!
- Monks?! - Yeah!
Quick, hop off and get Lorenzo. He's our only hope.
At least he went to Sunday school. Then fetch them hounds up to the office.
And Specs, keep your trap shut! You know how bad you talk.
Oh, yeah...
Lorenzo! Lorenzo!
Walt wants you, we're in trouble! Put them down. Follow me.
A couple of real monks have turned up, we don't know what we're gonna do.
Come on, you stupid goat.
{Goat bleats)
It ain't good. This is not what we wanted. Things could really go wrong now.
We've just got to bluff it out. Play it by ear, Lorenzo.
You've got the spiel, so I'll leave it to you to chat to 'em and hope for the best.
Quick, give it ere!
- I hope they go before evening prayers. - Evening prayers?
Ohh!
{Knock at door)
Cigar!
Saludos, amigos. Please to come in.
Good afternoon to you.
I hope we find you well.
I am Father Septimus and this is Brother Lucius.
That's nice. I'm Brother Lorenzo. This is Father Walter.
It's good of you to come and see us.
Not at all. We thought it was time we paid you a visit.
We were here on this island before you came.
Ah!
We are far away inland at the abbey now.
But I think a part of me remains here on this island.
It's great to see you, Father. I'm glad you popped in.
What a pity you had to scarper like you did and leave your gear behind!
Perhaps you would like to take a little wine with us
to refresh you after that long journey.
Thank you. I'm sure Brother Lucius, like myself, would be most grateful.
Brother Spectacles, would you bring us a little wine?
Yeah, of course.
Wine? Where will I get that from then?
- The kitchen, sefior. The kitchen. - The kitchen... Oh, the wine! Of course!
(They laugh)
Why don't you flop down in the chair, Father, take it off your feet a bit?
You, too, Brother Lucius.
It's quite a flip across the bay.
Especially all the way from your monastery.
(J Twist music)
Hey, Bikini, turn it off!
- What? = Turn it off!
- Oh, Specs! - Two of the real monks have turned up.
- Real monks? - I've got to take a bottle of wine up.
You better lay low.
They'd reckon we were a bunch of queer monks if you appeared.
You ain't kidding! Real monks, eh?
- What about the wine then? - Wine?
- Yeah? - What wine? 'Ere, we ain't got no wine!
- What? - No. We've got gin...
- Yeah. - Scotch, brandy.
We've even got some beer, but we ain't got no wine.
What's this then?
Sherry. That'll do.
Tell 'em we've run out of wine, but we've got Scotch and gin.
Right. I'll take the glasses with me as well.
Real monks!
- No, thank you. - Oh, don't smoke, eh?
Yes, well...
...I reckon you was double-choked when you had to leave the island, eh?
Choked? Yes, a good word.
Yes, we were, as you say, choked.
You see, we had such great plans.
Ultimately, we intended to cultivate the whole island.
We ain't got no wine, but if you fancy a drop of gut rot...
Yes, I'm sure it will be quite suitable, thank you, Brother.
A most willing member of our small brotherhood,
but incapable of carrying out the smallest order
without making some dreadful hoo-jah!
Yeah, he's a right nutter.
He's usually in charge of the taters and greens.
I reckon you could call him one of them fallers-by-the-wayside you talked about.
- A little for you, Father? - No.
It gives me a nasty pain in me Derby Kelly.
I'll just have a little drop of Jippo.
What exactly is the cause of your failure, Father?
Is perhaps the land not yielding enough
or was it the inclemency of the weather in the winter months?
- Good luck, boys! - Good health.
No, God blessed us with fruitful soil
and the winter weather, although a little wild, caused us no great anxiety.
No, it was the lack of money that finally defeated us.
However productive the soil, we could not grow bank notes.
No? I think perhaps you've been using the wrong fertiliser.
But I understand. It's a great pity.
What a shame! Ain't it a shame, Brother Lorenzo?
And you trying to do your best for them layabouts as well!
It will take time, but we will not fail with help such as yours.
- Us, Father? - The reason we're here is to thank you.
The splendid amount you gave us meant we did not lose everything in our venture.
That's all right, Father Septimus. It was a bargain.
Anyhow, we needed a gaff like this...
Si, sf. We, too, have a venture on hand.
Oh?
I should be interested to hear about it.
Ah, well... Would you like to partake of another glass of wine, Father,
before I speak to you of our intentions?
You don't think these two jokers are over here taking sights?
No, they seemed kind of friendly to me.
I've heard about friendly coppers.
They don't stay friendly once they know you're bent.
Could be on a suss and they'll go back and put the bubble in.
Could be. Only I arranged 'em like they was straight.
Not like us, but straight like straight-up monks.
I trust you've had a pleasant afternoon, Father?
Most entertaining and so encouraging to hear of your hopes and plans.
We're stacked right up with hopes and plans.
And quite rightly so.
But I feel I must warn you and your good Brother Lorenzo
that the growing of ground nuts would be very unwise and even impractical.
Quod semper respice tempus, so to speak.
Definitely. I think you're probably right there, Father.
Yes, I think we'll blow them out and stick with the old oysters and pearls.
The old oysters and pearls...
We certainly never exploited that source of revenue.
Perhaps that's where we went wrong.
- We mustn't miss our train, Father. - Yes, you must not miss your train.
- Tempus fugit, so to speak. - Then we must make our farewells.
I hope we may visit you again before the winter sets in.
- Yes, that's nice. - Any time. It's a pleasure.
Thank you for your hospitality, Father Walter.
- I hope you succeed where we failed. - That's very nice of you. Thanks a lot.
Good journey to you, Father Septimus. Adios, Brother Lucius.
Goodbye. We shall pray for you.
Goodbye.
And may God be with you, my son.
They're going to pray for us, Lorenzo.
- Yes, I know. - And us up to the capers that we are!
(Clucking)
Oh! Ohh!
Argh!
Brother Willy was right. They're a lot of desperados in there!
Ah!
'Ere! Got a bit of bacon knocking about?
No. You said no knives in no pigs!
Oh, yeah. Look, whack that in a pan with a slice of fried bread, will ya?
- Didn't you enjoy your supper? - Eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It was very nice.
You don't look as though you did.
Well, I can't eat all that... Stew, wasn't it?
You know me. I'm a steak and chips man with a rub of the garlic.
I wish I could cook you something nice, Walt.
It ain't much fun seeing it come back like it does.
You'll soon learn, me little lollipop. That smells great.
Anyone can fry an egg, but you can't live on that all the time.
How about a few Jack the Rippers or a couple of choice bloaters?
No, I want to cook you something nice.
You've been too busy ticklin' up them furs. You've never had a chance to learn.
How about me buying you a nice cookery book?
- Do you think I could pick it up? - Course you could.
What about all them dud cheques?
You soon picked up the forgery business, didn't ya?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did, didn't I? Perhaps I could, Walt.
It'll be a doddle. That's what we'll do.
We'll buy you a real cookery book first thing in the morning.
In you go. Good morning!
Ah! I know what you've come for, Brother.
- You do? - "The Catholic Herald".
- Eh? - I got six back numbers here for you.
- Oh! Oh, good. Thank you. Ta. - I wondered when you'd come in for em.
We've been very busy because it's all go being a monk.
He don't make things any easier. Do ya, hey?
(Bleats)
Look at that. He loves this. Do him good. Here you are.
- I really came about a nice cookery book. - I've got the very thing for you.
Good.
Here you are then. "The Secrets of Baking and Broiling".
- Or "Pie Making With Felicity Todd". - That is the one.
With the stuff we've been having, I could eat a pie made by Sweeney Todd!
Sweeney Todd! Know what I mean? Can you change this?
- Oh, I dare say. - Good. There you are.
Don't forget the liquorice he had. I'll have one as well.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
- You've brought the oar back then? - The oar?
Oh, yeah, the oar. Yeah, well, I thought you might need it.
I suppose you know everything about gardening. The other Brothers did.
Well, no... Well, no, not exactly everything.
- I forgot. You only know all about pigs. - Yeah.
That's funny. Now you come to mention it, old Bertha, our big sow...
She's been very bad-tempered.
She never did like me much, but now I can't go nowhere near her.
Oh, that's strange. Oh, my Aunt Kitty once had a pig like that, too.
Would you like me to come and have a look at her?
Would you? That'd be marvellous.
Oh, no, you'd better not, no.
Well, I'd like you to, but it's the Father Superior. He's very strict.
Oh.
- Morning. - Morning.
Morning.
Gorgeous Geoff, let's see where he is.
'Ere, Gorgeous Geoff is running Saturday, Tosh.
I didn't tell you I'd got a greyhound. Runs at the White City, he does.
Very fair form in Ireland. He could win a couple of races here.
Look at that, second last time out. 29.57, not a bad time, is it?
(Bleats)
We need you in trap three, him in trap four.
Let him break in front of you. As he comes out, the old horns...
Whoops! Ah! Woo-hoo!
Bound to do it. Couldn't fail.
He could really do this one if he's running into form.
I must get a bet on. Must be somewhere in this village.
Where's Willy got to? You hang on. I shan't be a minute.
Hello, hello. It's all happening again!
You great, long, slimy, hairy-headed nosh bag!
You couldn't eat a copy of "The Catholic Herald"!
You had to go and nosh my "Sporting Life"!
I've a good mind to stick one on your chops...
Thank you, er... for the loan of the oar, Miss Pendennis.
Oh, I expect you'll need this, too.
- Are you going to do a bit of rowing? - Are we ready to depart?
Oh, yes, Brother Willy, we're quite ready. Ta-ta, miss. See you later.
Come on, Tosh. Home we go.
Come on, me old goat then.
Oh! You ain't half putting on weight, Tosh!
- (Bleating) - Please! You like it when you get in.
Oh!
(Bleating)
Ta-ta! See you soon!
How are they turning out, Brother Squirts?
The Bank of England would pay 4 pounds, 19 and 6 for these.
- That good, are they? - You're joking, aren't you?
Here you are, anyone you like.
Lovely.
- You can almost smell the mint. - Yeah.
- (Bleating) - What's the matter with him?
He had a load of liquorice this morning.
Didn't half give him some stick. It's upset all his organs.
Keep bashin' 'em out. We only get one real one for every two of these.
How about that one, Brother Lorenzo?
Magnificent!
Truly a diamond. This might be the one I'm looking for.
A good one, eh? No mockers?
No mockers in these stones, Brother Walt.
A blue-white Brazilian.
- Oh... - It's perfect.
Oh, that's got a lot of sparkle. That must be worth a few bob.
- Six carats. - Well, all grist to the mill.
- All right, son? - Yeah, grand, innit?
Lovely. Keep at it.
How are you off for stock, Brother Bikini?
Not too bad. I've got enough for two or three days.
That's all right. There's a load on ice waiting to be shipped down.
Is that the finished article?
Almost. They've been koshered. Nobody would recognise them.
That's good. Ginzy's setting up a mannequin parade.
We'll be able to knock em off at tip-top prices
and cut out them crooked fences, the bloodsuckers!
Oh! 'Ere, have a look at this one.
This is the one I fancy, Brother Walt.
Yeah, I fancy that.
{Cockerel crows)
(Snoring)
- I reckon it's myxomatosis. - Eh?
I read about that. It's horrible. They all curl up and die.
No, with that, they go all skinny. This one has gone all fat.
Besides, only rabbits get that.
The way her snout's twitching, it could be foot-and-mouth disease.
Come out of it, Tosh. You don't want a dose of that lot.
I fear the worst. It's ptomaine poisoning.
They catch it from bad food. It ain't good.
- What did you give her for breakfast? - All them pilchards left over.
(All) Ooh!
That's it. If you ate Bikini's pilchards, you'd have ptomaine poisoning!
Look out, 'ere she comes.
Brother Walt reckons it's ptomaine poisoning after eating your pilchards.
- Oh, he does, does he? - Ow!
I reckon she's going off you, Walt!
Ohh!
(Grunting)
I reckon somebody's about to become a father!
Brother Willy, you're the pig-minder.
Looks like you'll have to be the midwife as well.
No. No, I can't do that. I've never been married or nothing.
Yeah, but you've been to Blackpool, ain't ya?
(Laughter)
No. No, it ain't good. I have a sister who married a farmer in Castile.
They have the piggies,
but the mama pig never gives birth when the man is present.
- Always you must have the lady. - We've got her.
Yeah...
No! I didn't want to be cook and I won't be a nurse!
So you can send for your sister who married a farmer
and lives in a castle and that's that!
No, Bikini, don't mess about!
You're the only one who can do it. Bikini! Bikini...
- What's this turned up? A skirt? - Hello!
Oh, yeah. That's all right. That's the one I told you about.
That's Phineas's granddaughter.
You never told us she was like this. It is good.
- Yeah, she's very fair, ain't she? - Very fair.
- That's what I said, didn't I? - I'll go and have a little chat with her.
Yeah, I would if I was you before little old Specs gets in there.
- Hello. - Hello.
Oh...
That's the Father Superior.
- Your medical supplies from Granddad. - Oh, yeah. Thanks.
(Grunting)
- Is that Bertha? - Yeah, it's very serious.
{Grunts more loudly)
- You know what's the matter? - Yeah.
- And you want me to look after her? - (All) Yeah.
Right.
(Laughter)
What about your monastic duties?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, Brother Specs. Come on, you lot.
- Let's get back to our monastic duties. - I wanted to watch it!
This calls for a celebration, the pitter-patter of tiny trotters!
- Lovely. - Let's have a light.
- Blimey, the Montez diamonds! - Eh?
- Me next. Oi, come on! - Hold on, I'll give you a light.
Don't inhale. It ain't good, that.
Let's give you a hand with this. It'll stunt your growth!
What are you talkin' about? Get out of it, you.
It's all right now, Brother Willy!
Well, I...
I'd better be going now.
Oh...
Granddad will wonder where I've got to.
Oh, yes.
80. 85. 90.
95. A ton. Right?
Qi! Oi! Now, listen.
That's 100 pounds to win,
Gorgeous Geoff, White City, Saturday night. You got it?
- Right, I got it. - Good boy.
Ere!
Phineas, don't make any mistakes. That could come to a lot of money.
Leave it to me, Brother Squirts. I'll get it on for you.
Don't forget, not a word to anybody.
This is just between you and me and little Tosh here, right?
Tight as a fish's gearbox and that's watertight.
Yeah, fine. See you later. Come on. Come on, you.
Stone the crows! A hundred quid to win?
I think I better have five bob on this myself.
That's a hundred pounds...
and five shillings to win.
You're having a go, Phineas.
It's information. I know the owner.
It's too big for me. I'll put it through to Newquay.
- You'll get commission on that then? - Just a crust.
This calls for you buying me a pint of rough.
We ain't open yet.
All right. Only drink it up quick!
Wait a minute. A shilling in the pound? That's several crusts.
Better make that a large whisky.
Ah! Lovely.
Tosh! Tosh!
(Bleating)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Right, finished? Good boy. Come on.
Come on. Come on, bedtime!
Come on.
Come on, lovely. If you get me up again in the middle of the night,
I'll report you to the Father Superior. Did you hear what I said?
Come on then, you great horned monster.
Get in there.
Right, come on, and no snoring. Understand? Good boy, good boy.
{Knock at door)
Go away!
It's all right, Bikini. It's only me, Little Walter.
I know it is. Go away!
No, straight up, word of honour. I've brought you a present.
Oh, leave off, Walter. I want to go to sleep!
You'll like this. It's lovely.
Come on, Bikini. Be a sport.
(Wind howls)
(Thunder rumbles)
Look at that!
That's the best pie I've ever seen in my life.
- I bet it don't half taste good! - A right drop of gear!
It has the smell of the pie that is real.
You couldn't eat apple pie after that big breakfast.
- Couldn't we? - Want a bet?
- We could force ourselves. - Tosh is dying for a bit.
Can't get any on the island. You know what I mean?
Get out of it! He's got his horns in a terrible place.
What's this? The breadline?
Just cos you can't work outside don't mean you can't work inside.
Dive down the crypt and get the wheels of industry turning!
- A bit for Tosh. - You, too.
- Lovely. - Come on.
Where's my bit of pie then?
I always thought you was a steak and chips man!
Come on, whack us a piece of pie!
Where's Willy? Hasn't he smelt the cooking?
- I expect he's out feeding his animals. - When he comes in, send him down.
Lorenzo's got enough on his plate and that boy's got a lot to learn yet.
'Ere you are, din-dins!
Come on, grub up!
Nice and dry.
I'm not surprised you don't feel so good.
If you keep going out in the rain to feed that menagerie,
you're going to feel a whole lot worse, a whole lot worse!
Look at you, you're soaking wet!
What do you do over there? Tell em little bedtime stories?
'Ere you are. Hold on, I've got a couple of tablets for you.
- Thanks. - 'Ere you are. Take these.
If you don't be careful, you're going to go down with the flu.
Ta. I think I'll go and have a little lie-down.
(Wind howls)
(Crack of thunder)
Looks like all our lovely veg will be washed away.
The wind's playing marbles with the Brussels sprouts.
- What's that? - Eggnog.
Is that for me? Oh, that don't half get your back up!
Give us a kiss, you luscious lump of monkhood!
Oh, get out of it! This ain't for you. It's for Brother Willy.
For Willy? Eggnog? What's going on here?
He ain't well. He's gone to bed.
- That ain't like Willy. - I know. I'm worried, Walt.
Get through to the mainland and get a quack out here.
I can't. The lines blew down in the storm. I'll go and see how he's shaping.
Tell him I'll be down with his eggnog in a minute!
Right!
Look at that lot! Come on, lively now!
Get your skates on, Bikini! Look at that spread!
- Smashing, innit? - Here you are, Tosh. Come on, eat it up.
- Brothers, get stuck in. - We want you to serve it up.
I've got to take this down to Brother Willy. I think he's caught the flu.
Oh, dear. Fancy that, Brother Willy getting the stoodle-oo!
- Yeah. - Hey, it ain't good, that.
I have an uncle in Sevilla who get this stoodle-dee-do.
- What happened to him? - Nothing.
- (All) He died. - Ain't it grand?
He don't look none too good, Walt.
No. Don't he look hot? What do you make of it?
I don't know. If he'd been stabbed or sliced with a razor, I'd know what to do.
But these sort of things you pass over to the doc.
What was in the bag that old man's granddaughter brought over?
- That looked like a doctor's bag. - I wish it had been.
That was the Montez diamonds.
- How are you then, Willy boy? - He's very dodgy.
He does look a bit rough.
Let me see.
He's got very much fever. It is good we bathe his head in some cool water.
I'll get some.
What do you make of it, Lorenzo?
- He's very sick. It could be pneumonia. - Poor old Willy.
- You're joking! - Oh, rotten, innit?
He's probably been ill for several days. This may be the crisis.
If so, the few next hours could decide it.
Do you mean to say Willy might be saying "ta-ta"?
It's possible.
And him with that lovely poetry inside him.
There must be something we can do.
A few M&B tablets or one single injection would work miracles.
Without them, we can only hope for a miracle.
I could row across to the mainland and get 'em.
- I'll come with you. - In this sea, you'll never get across.
We could try.
Even if you did make it, it would probably be too late.
That's a nice thing, innit? You mean we've just got to wait here until he...
Don't say that. There must be something.
There's only one person who can help Willy now.
(Willy groans and whimpers)
You'll keep an eye on him, won't you, Lorenzo?
(Crack of thunder)
Well...
I'm Little Walter and I ain't too sure how to put this to you.
I won't tell you what sort of a fella I am cos I reckon you know that already.
Also, you'll know I ain't done too much of this sort of thing.
I come about young Willy.
He's out there on his Peter and can't make it himself.
Willy ain't a bad fella. He ain't never done any real bad villainy.
He's only our lookout man and sometimes does a bit of driving.
No, you couldn't take him on a job proper. He wouldn't know what it was all about.
He sort of fancies himself as a bit of a poet.
I've known him a long time now.
Ever since he was a nipper nicking poetry books off a stall in Petticoat Lane.
He never had any real people, not to speak of.
So I more or less took charge of him.
Everybody thinks the world of him. All the "ounds. Even the bogeys.
I reckon you'd like him as well if you knew him like we do.
Oh, well...
Now it looks as if he may be drifting on just cos we ain't got a few old tablets.
So I come to you.
I reckon that's all.
So do your best, will you?
He's a good Willy.
He...
He says if you don't send him something to eat, he'll come up and cook it himself!
Whee-ee!
You great, short-sighted nitwit! Look where you're going!
- It's Willy. He's all right! - Willy's what?
- I've got to tell the boys! - He's all right? He's all right?
- Yeah! - Oh!
Where is he?
Cor! What a right old Charlie you turned out to be, eh?
Well, well, well, you had us all fooled.
I thought we'd have an extra share to split up!
You don't think I'd leave you with those worries?
How are you feeling, Willy boy?
Fine, thanks to you lot.
It's Brother Lorenzo and Bikini you've got to thank.
They did the lion's share.
That old shamrock might have had a bit to do with it, that old monk.
He said a bit of him remains here on the island.
(PA) 'Here is the result of race number five.
'First, number six, Gorgeous Geoff, owned by Squirts McGinty..."
Pity old Squirts disappeared. That's four on the trot his dog's won.
Good job for me he did disappear. I've lost a fortune on it as it is.
Some lunatic in Newquay sticks 100 quid on it every time it runs.
- It's cost me over 1,300 nicker! - What's that?
- 1,300 nicker! - Someone in Newquay?
Yeah. Why?
Can you spare a minute? Come and have a drink.
All right. Take over, Charlie, will you?
- Lovely, eh? - I really enjoyed that.
I could eat this all day.
What's the matter, Brother Walt?
Ain't you gonna finish your Bomb Surprise?
- Me what? - Your duff. Ain't it nice?
It was marvellous. Wasn't it, lads? Marvellous!
- Ten out of ten for that. - Have a drop of brandy in the coffee.
- Here you are, Tosh. - Here you are, Willy.
- Brandy, Brother? - Yeah. Good.
Well, now that we're all here, I'd better tell you the good news.
The sentence is up with full remission for good behaviour.
Eh?
Back to civilisation!
Do you mean we're going to float off?
Lovely old London, the bright lights,
parties and excitement, the old razzamatazz.
I don't fancy that, Brother Walt. I'd crack up under all that.
Nah, I can't leave. I've got a whole field of curly greens coming up out there.
- They need me. - We mustn't leave now, Walt.
I'd miss the best of my rhubarb.
It ain't good. Any day, I shall present our cook with a genuine Spanish onion!
Is that right? Great! Now I'll be able to have a go at that potage flamboyant.
Oh, that'd be marvellous!
What's the matter with you lot? You all gone punchy or something?
I had to stick shooters up your backs to get you here. Now it's the place to be!
What's all this malarkey about curly greens and the best of the rhubarb?
With the vegetables we're taking back, we can live in the plush places.
I've got some good friends in the pig sty: Bertha and her little porkers.
Not to mention them down at the chicken run.
Yeah, and what about my cooking?
If you want to cook, I'll get you a job in Luigi's caff.
Your wages'll buy me cigars.
Listen, you, I want to cook the kind of fodder I want to cook!
I want me own pots and pans, me own stove!
I want my own kitchen!
Get on her!
She never knew chips was made from taters till she read that book on it!
I've got to go back and start dodging the traffic again? I feel safe out here.
You know what Oxford Street's like at Christmas time. I'd get done up in style!
At Christmas, you'll be loaded.
You can go anywhere you like: Monte Carlo, Cannes, Biarritzy, the lot!
We want to stay here, Brother Walt.
I'm the specialist again, the salad king.
The hands have come to terms with the spade.
The muscles have grown big with labour. And the mind is at peace.
He's right, Walt. It sort of gets you, don't it?
It's sort of got me. I like all this jazz. I'm definitely for staying on here.
Well, I say it's time to go.
This letter arrived on the first boat. It's from the real monks.
They want to pay us another visit. That would put the tin hat on it.
Next they'll want us to play "em at cricket!
You can't live a life of dodgement for ever.
Maybe we could've stayed as farmers, but it wouldn't have been safe.
Cos we was monks, we pulled it off!
Being a monk is good for me nerves.
I don't grab for me hat when there's a knock at the door!
You think I'll find it easy to leave? You think I ain't got no chinas down here?
What about my girls over the cowshed? They've grown to like their Uncle Walt.
You know the trouble with you lot?
You're forgetting that you're a band of hard nuts,
a team of villains.
You went out thieving instead of going to work. You stole what you wanted.
You've had high jinks, cut capers, had a right old time, but work?
You didn't want to know about that.
Well, now the twisters are twisted.
You want to work out here and can't.
You're crooked. You're bent.
You ain't welcome.
Yeah. They don't want to know us, do they?
We'll have to start hiding again.
Sf, si. It ain't good.
Oh, it ain't as bad as all that.
Ginzy's found us a drum in Ealing. Very remote and secluded.
We wait there till he settles all the deals, then we split up.
I reckon with nearly 30 grand apiece.
Yeah, I think you're right, Walt.
But I'd like to have known the name of them new apples I'm growing.
How much did you get? 300 apiece?
Good going, Ginzy!
That just leaves the last few bits and we'll bring them down with us.
Right. Get a few bottles of Scotch in for the boys
and we'll see you tomorrow night. Ta-ral
Now, then... Are they looking after you all right, Hornblower?
- Yes, sir. - Well, it's all over.
You've been a good lad, so here's a little bonus for you.
Cor! Thank you, sir. Will you not be coming this way again, sir?
Somehow I don't think so. But if we do, you're our lad.
- Been a pleasure to be of service... - There's just one more thing.
What would you say to your pretty little granddaughter marrying our Willy?
My little lobster marrying into one of your crowd? Stone the crows!
I'll go down with the ship before that happens. I'll have no crooks in my family!
- Leave off... - Put him in Willy's cell.
- Come on. - What are you doing?
I'll have the law on you! I'll call the coastguard!
The Lord Lieutenant'll hear about this!
- You'll look after him for me? - Yes, Father.
Good girl. Ah, here he is!
Going fishing, eh? Well, make sure you don't let this one get away.
Now mind how you go in that galleon of yours, Willy.
Ta-ra then. Ta-ra, Willy!
- Goodbye! - Goodbye, Father!
Ta-ra! Look after her!
Can't get these in the trunk, me old lovely. You'll have to wear em.
"Me old lovely"? You snake in the grass!
- What's all this about? - I'll tell you!
It's about a little ceremony that you very conveniently forgot!
You must think I just got off the boat!
I'm beginning to see through you. Make no mistakes about it!
As soon as we get out of here and you grow some proper hair,
you're gonna marry me, Father Superior!
- 1am? - You am. I mean, you are.
I'm fed up with being one of the mob. You've had me dangling long enough!
Pull your darts out and tea for one! I'm telling you straight...
All right, if you say so, but don't do a Sarah Bernhardt on me!
All right.
All right? Oh, well then...
All right.
(Laughter)
What are you lot laughing at?
It won't be too bad. She can make a nice cup of tea.
Happens to the best of us, especially at your age.
That's right. So don't knock on our door with a safe you want opening!
From now on, he's going to be respectable. Ain't you?
- Yeah. - (Laughter)
(Brakes screech)
- Hey, which way to the pub? - Eh?
- The Ship. - Oh, up there and on the right.
Come on. Don't hang about. Get all this lot on the boat!
I only phoned a few bets through to Newquay. There's no law agin that.
- No law against taking bets in boozers? - I didn't say I took any bets.
Are you trying to kid me
you had a 100 pounds bet on a dog at the White City in London?
A bottle-opener in a nasty place like this?
- Well, Superintendent! - You do yourself a big favour, chummy.
You tell Mungo all about it.
I just put on a few bets for Phineas. That's all.
- Phineas? Don't give me no Phineas! - No, he's a fisherman.
Where will I find him now, immediately?
If he's not in his cottage, maybe he'll be on the island.
He does some fetching and carrying for the new monks.
New monks? What monks?
They're coming, Father.
- They're not wearing the habit. - I thought they might not be.
Do you know why Father Walter wanted us to meet him here?
No, he simply said it would be to our advantage.
May I extend greetings to you?
Father, I ain't got time to jabber. This is for you and the boys.
The best of luck and look after yourselves.
'Ere, cop this, son.
What are we going to do now, Walt?
Nothing, Specs. We ain't got nowhere to go.
Would you mind, Father? Thank you.
(Tosh bleats)
(Bleats loudly)
The deeds of the island.
Father Walter has given everything back to the Order.
(Whistle blows)
(Brakes screech)
Congratulations, Superintendent.
I take it was your idea to switch the registered mail to the other end?
- Take what you like, but don't print it. - Of course not.
Super, you've done a lot of cleaning up lately.
Who's left that's big enough to pull off a deal like this?
- Well, who do you think? - Little Walter and his crew?
Carry on guessing like that and you'll wind up editor.
- Looks as though you were right, sir. - 1 am. A jeweller, a Post Office, this.
If that mob think they can carry on where the others left off, it's a big mistake.
"Come live with me and be my love and we will all the pleasures prove
"that hills and valleys, dale and field and all the craggy mountains yield."
(Sighs)
That was smashing, Willy. Smashing.
- "And if these pleasures..." - Oi, Bikini!
- What? - Darts!
I ain't got no darts!
Pity you don't get yourself educated like Willy the Poet.
Come on, cut the cackle.
That's the trouble with you, Walt. You ain't educated.
You and Willy get yourselves educated. Leave it for Little Walt to pay for it.
Go on, Willy.
"And if these pleasures may thee move come live with me and be my love."
- (Bell rings) - Come on!
Come on! Get home! Come on, faster!
Mind the suit, dear! Faster!
Go on! Yeah!
Let's go and cop.
(Cackles)
One and half down to Squirts.
- There's a message for you, Squirts. - Yeah? Go on.
The top jolly said you're to go to the warehouse. Urgent.
And he said something about don't forget to take the plates.
Here you are, Squirts. One and a half.
I feel really lucky tonight. I could really knock em bandy tonight.
Never mind, get your finger out. Let's have it away.
Magnificent. Now we will wine and dine and I shall be the envy of all.
{Knock at door)
- Come in. - Excuse me, m'lady.
A message for Sefior Lorenzo.
It appears he's wanted immediately at the...gaff, I think the gentleman said.
- Thank you, Pemberton. - M'lady.
- I'm so sorry. -Soam I.
But as they say in my country...
...there is always mariana.
(J Latin music)
Oh, she looks smashing. I like the way she does that.
She's dead hot. I like the way she moves.
{Phone rings)
Clancy's Bar.
-'ls Specs in the club? - Specs?
- What's up now? - Sounds like the boss.
Hello.
No, sir.
Superintendent...
"No milk until further notice."
The weasels!
- Have more of this. - Cheers.
- We're all out of... - Hey, Squirts!
This place is harder to get into than that Post Office was last week.
What is this? A case joint? Get these scrubbers out of here.
- What about her, then? - Out!
Come on, come on.
(Girls grumble)
Trust him to spoil the evening.
That Mungo should hang from the thumbs.
Never you mind, Specs. Leave it to me.
I've got a big programme laid out for you lot.
Mungo ain't gonna make it easy,
but I think if we play our cards right we can continue in business.
Right now, we've got to get out of town.
If we could get to Malaga, I have an old aunt there, she could hide us.
- Unless you've got a place laid on. - Walter told you not to worry, didn't he?
Course Wall's got a place. What place have you got, Walt?
The right kind of place, Bikini.
So the net closes, the fish struggle. But the ocean is deep.
Oh, it's off again(!)
Somewhere there's a place where six little fishes might disappear...
Do us a favour, Willy, will you?
- Little Walter's found it for her. - Where is it, Walter?
An island down in Cornwall.
An island?! Are we gonna live on an island?!
- I'm not. - Yeah, yeah...
- Squirts, did you bring the plates? - Here. What's all this about an island?
- What's this, your cosh? - That's me supper!
- You won't get me on an island. - Not me neither, that I... Cor!
- Gee, beautiful. - This is perfection.
We'll get a stack of mazuma out of these.
Jack the Baker made a stack, but wasn't around long enough to spend it.
- Mungo moved in too fast. - The snide rhino went under the match.
Never mind the snide rhino. What about this snide island?
- (All) Yeah. - Yeah, well, I'll tell you about that.
I've invested some of you boys' money in a nice place with full mod cons.
Somewhere off the coast of Cornwall. Here we are.
"On the sleepy island of St Pancras, bathed in summer sunshine
- "and only one hour from Land's End." - That sounds all right.
Perhaps I can get in a bit of fishing.
I could bring the golf sticks. There must be a golf course by the shore. Fabulous!
I could do some of that old sunbathing, get stretched out on the golden sands,
all covered in oil, soaking up that lovely sunshine, all glistening! Eh?
(Bikini) Oil
I wanna see you!
- 'Ere, what's she on about? - Never mind. Get the gear unpacked.
- Funny, though, innit? - Give us a hand with these bags.
Who put all this on top of my gear? Get out of it!
What sort of a gaff is this?!
There ain't a bathroom! Not even a mirror!
And the old whatshisname is on the edge of a cliff!
Stop worrying. This is going to be a rough run. Rougher than you think.
- We've got to live like the real monks. - Walt, you said you'd look after me.
I am, Brother Specs.
Another thing, this Walt stuff needs knocked on the head.
- All you layabouts are brothers now. - Brothers(!)
There's a bogey on the mainland with a nice, shiny whistle.
He might be a bumpkin, but he's still a bogey.
He has to think we're real monks,
same as all the other schnorrers. So we've got to work like monks.
Now, starting with you, Brother Bikini, you're fixing the eats. You're cookie.
Cookie?! Me?!
I can't make a pie with tailor-made pastry and tinned fruit! I ain't never cooked!
Nor have I and you'll learn quicker. You're cookie.
- And in your spare time you can sweep. - Sweep?!
- And a bit of scrubbing. - Fine thing, innit?
I said you'd turn me into an old scrubber!
Poor old Bikini. You put the block on her!
Yeah! And now I'm going to put the block on you.
I've got a few little labours for you lot as well.
Aah! Ah!
Oi! You 'orrible...!
What are you doing down there, Willy?
What am I doing this job for?! Great 'orrible, grunting grunters!
Clear off! Get out of it! Get out of it!
Read 'em a drop of the old Harry Longfellow.
That'll put the kibosh on em.
Eew! You ought to do something about that.
How you getting on with the chickens?
- I haven't been to see them yet. - Well, don't upset them.
We don't want you breaking any of their eggs.
The way Bikini cooked them pilchards,
we need all the eggs we can lay our hands on.
- Keep at it, son. - Thank you...for nothing!
This is certainly not Spanish onion.
English(!)
Perseverance, Brother.
Oh, blimey.
Ohh...
- (Whistles) - What?
Get on with the work!
Come and do it yourself, then! I'm fed up with this lot.
Just cos I'm wearing blinkers he thinks I'm a bleedin' horse!
Every time I... Ow!
Hello, Tosh. What are you doing here, eh?
Oi! Are you hungry?
What's the idea of leaving you all tied up? Now you can nip away for a chat.
Fancy leaving you here on your tod. A diabolical liberty.
- Oh, morning, squire. - Everything under control?
I be a-seein' after your apples, sir.
And I be a-thinkin' we'll be 'aving a nice apple pie for supper.
And I be thinkin' we won't. That mangy antelope has beaten you to it.
Oi! Tosh! Put 'em back, will you? Put 'em back!
You skinny-gutted, hungry-looking mongrel!
Look at that!
I think it's ready, Brother Specs.
- You reckon it is? - We'll soon find out. Go ring the bell.
Get moving!
(Bell chimes)
Hey! What's going on?! Put me down there! Help!
- Walter! Walt! - Eh?
Stop ringing them bells! Walter!
HELP!
(Crash)
Boy, am I starving!
The change of air makes the appetite big!
I could eat a crocodile stuffed with camel!
- And it looks as if we're going to. - Yeah, it is a bit grim.
- How many, Brother Walt? - Eh?
- I ain't doing the Indian rope trick. - No... Oh, yeah.
I'll have a couple.
- How many, Brother Squirts? - I'd go for zero, if I was you.
Well, I'll chance a couple as well.
'Ere, what are they?
Sausages! What do you think they are? Deformed scallops?!
Did you torture them?
Once I have a sister in a Madrid caf who serve up a meal like this!
- What happened? - She had to take to the hills!
Did you 'ear that, did you?
Well, I'm stating right here and now that this pot watching lark is a load of po!
- Also the cookie's job is now vacant. - Turn it in...
I don't want nobody upsetting Brother Bikini!
If any of you wanted anyone to do some expert shoplifting,
you'd be glad of her help, right?
And now she's learning the cooking game.
I reckon her sausage Bolognese is great.
- Succulent. - You what?
I find them succulent.
No doubt, in time, the stomach will rehabilitate itself.
In case you baboons think this ain't no treat, information in advance:
you're getting cold pilchards for breakfast.
{Door slams)
That horrible Mungo, he's a creeping disease.
You're a lucky lot of chaps. Your Uncle Walt's done you proud on this caper.
One thing we have got here is plenty of accommodation.
Now, come on. You each have a nice, comfortable flop all to yourselves.
All private, like. There we are.
Hey, Walt, this is just like the nick!
- Yeah, sort of homely, like. - So real monks do bird all the time?
The monks, Brother Specs, live a life of hardship and privation.
What's that, then?
Are my peepers getting worse or is that just a plank of wood?
- Your peepers are serving you very well. - We should give ourselves up to Mungo.
Five, six, seven years we'd be free. Nice and easy.
These apartments, Brother Walt, they're all the same?
- Yeah. Don't fight. Take your pick. - Hey, have you picked yours?
Well, Bikini's fixing up the head boy's office for us two.
Charming.
With me having to get up so early to milk them cows,
I don't want to waken you good brothers.
You're going to set yourself up all ritzy, while we serve time in the dungeons!
No, it ain't like that, it's like I said.
Of course it ain't(!) You'll have it all smooth, all posh, carpets on the floor.
No, you know me. It's not me. It's Bikini.
Of course, it ain't you(!)
- You know what women are like. - We did, but we'll soon have to forget.
Now look, Bikini won't stand for that: me down here and her up there.
If we're going to be celibate monks, so are you!
Boys, no, come on! What's all this?
"When the poor hath cried, Caesar hath wept."
- Oh? Caesar wept, did he? - Yeah.
- Walt, if you think... - All right! I'll have it in the dungeon.
Bikini gets the office.
Brother Walt, you've just become our Father Superior.
I have? Father Superior?
Ooh, yeah. That's nice.
I like that.
Father Superior, eh?
{Cows moo)
Good morning, ladies! How's tricks?
What do you know for a pound, then?
Now, girls, I'm going to line you up straight.
Right from the start I want you to know that I ain't too well up on this lark.
So if you lot will be a bit co-operative and squirt it out nice and easy,
I'll be most obliged to you, won't I? 'Ere we go.
(Moos)
That's right. Let's have a bit of music.
Now then, let's have a nice drop of Gold Top.
'Ere, what's up?
What's the matter with you? Eh?
Yeah, you, rough chops.
You naughty Buttercup.
You'll get me in bad if you don't come up with some juice.
I'll look a right Charlie if I go back and tell them I ain't pulled it off, won't 1?
I've got to set an example. I'm the Father Superior.
So listen here. I'll tell you what.
You just pretend that I'm your old mate, eh? Let's all be nice and friendly, eh?
Shall we try it? Let's have another bash at it, then.
Good girl.
J To plough and sow and reap and mow
J And be a farmer's boy
J And be a farmer's boy J
'Ere, Lorenzo, how long have we got to put up with this?
- About a year, I should imagine. - What?
Unless something nice happens, like Mungo dying all of a sudden.
That Mungo... I hate him! I hate the sight of his face.
If I never see him again, it'll be too soon.
- Hey... - What's that, then?
Look, Brother Willy! Look what I got!
- Oh, milk. - Yeah! I got it from the cows, I did!
- What is it, Brother Walt? - Look, I got milk!
- So you have. That's nice. - What's all the shemozzle?
- I was showing Brother Willy me milk! - That's a funny thing to be doing, ain't it?
What's going on? What's the matter?
- Look! - So what? It's only milk.
- Of course it's only milk! - Did you open a few tins?
This is genuine milk. Nothing crooked. I got this from two lady cows.
It's usual to get milk from the cows. I have a cousin who does it all the time.
Nothing to it, eh? Wait 'til you start grappling them onions, Brother Lorenzo.
Then you'll maybe think it IS a big deal.
Brothers, brothers!
Anybody who can extract milk from a cow without taking a course of instruction
is deserving of nothing less than praise.
It looks to me like Father Superior's pulled it off again!
I think I'll take it to show Bikini. She'll be proud of me.
She'll be thrilled to bits(!)
Yeah, I reckon she will.
Ere, Bikini! Have a look at this. See what I've got.
- What? - You still in bed?
Is it late?
What time is it?
Eh?
- I've got to get up. - No hurry...
Oh! What's the matter with you? You was never like this before.
This is gonna be a rough run, Brother Walt.
Rougher than you thought.
Oh, nice. Very nice.
It's a lovely old crop today.
Oh, gawd. Look at that.
Ah, Brother Lorenzo!
- No onions? - He did bring you an onion yesterday.
Oh, so he did. Big deal(!)
Please, don't speak to me of onions! All the time, onions!
I smell onions, taste onions! In my sleep I see onions! I'm screwballs!
Are these the fingers of an artist? THEY are like onions!
They look all right to me. A bit knobbly, but a fair old set of forkers.
No, it ain't good, Brother Walt!
Whoa! Hold everything.
Here comes Dan Archer with his contribution.
Only three?
Oh, dear. Looks like I'll be the only one eating breakfast again.
You great big greedy melt!
Brother Walt, I've had it!
That big, fat, "orrible piebald porker has pushed me in the feeding trough again!
- She's out to get me, that one. - I'll have a serious talk with her.
And them chickens, they're violent. They come at me like wild things!
That I CAN fix for you.
I'm in with the head boy. I'll put the big squeeze on.
What a right diabolical lot you are.
Three days out there in the farmyard
and all you come up with is a lot of lousy throw-outs.
I keep on digging, Brother Walt, but I never find nothing.
If there is any taters in them hills, it'll take a steam shovel to find em!
I reckon you've been sold a pup here. It ain't a going concern.
The apples are all up in the trees, looks like they're never gonna fall down.
Up in the trees? Of course they're up in the trees!
Same as taters is down in the ground and lettuces is...wherever lettuces is!
It's up to you lot to sort them out. And you,
Chaucer, get among them chickens and rattle some eggs out of 'em.
{Phone rings)
- "Hello, Walt? - Yeah, speaking.
- "This is Ginzy.' - Oh, hello, Ginzy. What's buzzing?
Everything's picking up.'
Oh, good, lovely. Nice. Sounds like you're really going to town.
"We had Wills and Peabody last night.'
Wills and Peabody, eh? They're not larking about, are they?
Listen, Ginzy, who's running the jelly mob now?
- 'Dangerous Herbert.' - Oh, Dangerous Herbert?
Tell him we can handle all the gear he can get.
Little Walter is in the market for loot.
Wow!
Little Walter's mob will soon change the shape of these.
Right, sharpish, like. Whack 'em round to Ginzy.
- He'll get them to Little Walter. - Right.
Careful. Careful.
- It's lovely. - Come along, me pretty little mackerels.
I'll have a quick word with the Father Superior
and we'll have a nice look round.
Would you mind if we stay on the beach?
Of course not. You go and enjoy yourselves.
But I'm leaving at one o'clock sharp. Must get back before the pub shuts.
Come along, boys and girls. Mind how you go.
Ho ho!
Squirts, look at this.
'Ere, Lorenzo.
I like your bikini. That's nice.
- What are they doing? - Little darlings. Look at "em.
And look at us. All cluttered up in these rotten old cassocks.
Nearly there.
Run! Run!
- Oh, look at her. That big lumpy one. - Where?!
Cor, she'd do me, that one. She's a bit like old Fidgety Kate.
- Oi! Hey! - Ssh! Quiet!
- What's the matter with you? - The brunette with the lovely long limbs.
For just one moment with her
I would crawl over 17 miles of broken bottles.
Yeah, and die with your boots on!
Coming!
Oh, dear.
- What's happening? - Oh...
- Here she goes. Watch this. - Which one?
Another one. Over she goes!
Oh! Get in, Tosh, boy.
Don't go mad. I'll go mad for you!
Well, that's unblocked your flue.
You didn't have to sling a whole tin of paraffin on!
- That was a right old fry up. - Yeah. You've just blown out your dinner.
- Why didn't you move it? - I didn't know half of Cornwall was there!
I think I'll go and have a little rub down. Any other jobs, give us a shout.
- And what do you want? - Fill the pail for the curly tail.
And I away to the sty will sail. Pig swill.
Now come on, puff off, the pair of you! And keep those other jokers out.
- I've got to have a bath. - Need any help with that?
Get out of ere!
- Ah, that's it, Mary. - Lovely, isn't it?
You wait over by the big door. I think I know where I can find him.
- He's probably in the garden. - Right, come along, Mary.
Come along, dear. Now be careful.
'Ere, what's your game? What are you sneaking about after?
I'm Phineas Pendennis. Where's Father Superior?
Father Superior?! Oh, that's me. I'm the Father Superior.
You are?!
Oh, well... I just bought a party of trippers to see over the monastery.
None of that. No visitors, no trippers.
No fishing or trips round the lighthouse. This is a monks' island, for monks.
- But this is my living, Father... - Sorry, son. No visitors.
Monks' island? What about that piece I saw pop out of the galley?
- Piece? You must be dreaming. - You must be dreaming if you think I am!
I know a bit of plum duff when I see one.
What are you talking about?
Listen, I've sailed the seven seas, I've fought where the black flag flies.
I've been a pirate and a smuggler and I took what I wanted
and that includes the local beauties.
- Oh, you're an old smuggler, eh? - Yeah.
You've done a bit of pirating, eh?
Well, perhaps I can give you a job that's a bit better
than rowing earwiggers across the pond.
You just hang on, me old Phineas.
Let me get me smother on first.
- Well, this won't do, will it? - He does seem gone a long time.
Fellow's got himself lost. Perhaps we'd better go inside.
- Come along, Mary. - Ridiculous!
Hello?
I think we'd better try down here. Come along, Mary.
You'll get your first lorry load tomorrow morning.
You'll be laughing.
We'll all be laughing, eh?
Here we are, then.
'Ere, where did you leave that team of yours?
Oh, outside by the big door.
Come on, then.
Ooh...
They've gone!
If they're going where I think they're going, we're in dead trouble!
Come along, Mary.
I think this is called a refectory.
That must be the kitchen. Bound to find someone there.
Come along, Mary.
(Willy) Shut that door!
You mustn't open that door today.
Don't you know what today is?
Today is, er, St Daniel's Day. A-And this is St Daniel's room.
It goes back a long time. A long time.
It goes back to... to when St Daniel here...
heard that the good swineherd had lost his last and only pig
with the dreaded palsy. St Daniel felt great sorrow for him
and, gathering around him the frogs in the lake, the fish from the sea
and the birds from the sky, St Daniel said,
"Take them and care for them. And shelter them in your barn."
This the good swineherd did and next day, to his amazement,
to the joy of his wife and hungry children, the barn abounded with pigs.
And that's how St Daniel saved the day. Isn't that so, Father?
Oh, yeah, definitely. He was one of the boys.
That's very interesting.
Tell me, who's that chappie over there?
Father, perhaps you'd like to tell our guests about that gent?
Oh, that one? Fred.
Yeah, he's one of the boys, too. It's him we thank for being here.
- Oh, your benefactor? - Yeah, he's a right old...benefactor.
(Bell chimes)
Oh, what a shame! Tea break.
Union rules. All out.
(Whistles) Come back!
- Come again! - Ta-ral
(Girls) Bye!
Ta-ra!
- They won't come back now. -Oh...!
- (Tosh bleats) - Shut up!
Come on. This way.
Heave to, mate, until I see if the coast's clear.
- Shut the gate. - Right.
What are you doing, Junie?
Scrubbing the floor on a beautiful morning like this?
- It ain't right. - But I always scrub it every Wednesday.
Do you? Well, we have to put a stop to that, then. Here.
Take this. Go into Newquay and get yourself a lovely new dress.
- Seven and six? - Spend the lot, my little lobster.
I don't know what's come over you, Granddad,
but seven and six isn't enough to buy me a new dress.
- Not enough? - No.
- What could you get one for, then? - Two pounds. Perhaps 30 shillings.
Oh.
Better make it 30 bob.
Never mind that, sweetheart. Granddad will see to it.
Hurry along now. Don't miss your bus.
Oh, no.
Well, are you sure you'll be all right?
- Yeah, you run along. - OK, then.
- Have a lovely time. - Thank you, Granddad.
- Bye-bye! - Bye!
Look forward to seeing you in your new dress. Bye.
- Thanks, Granddad. Bye! - Goodbye.
Bye-bye!
Hey, miss! Young lady!
- What do I do now? - Sit tight! I'll throw you a line!
Oops! All right?
Make the boat fast, Brother, or you'll lose that as well.
- Are you all right, Brother? - Yes, thank you.
Thank you for your help. My name's Willy. Brother William.
It's nice to meet you. You're one of the new monks.
Yeah. I nipped over to buy gumboots.
- I look after the pigs. - Oh, gumboots.
I'll take you to Mr Blackman. He seems to have everything.
Now let's run me spyglass over this little lot.
(Rattles)
It don't sound full of hymn books.
Blast it! Cunning, conniving barnacles!
Tulip bulbs?!
I'll bet they never flower.
Cor!
Stone the crows! It's just like Christmas.
They hurt a bit.
- They're a bit stiff, too. - These others are 30 shillings dearer.
30 bob?! That's noth... That's an awful lot of money.
In that case, I'll take the cheaper pair.
Thank you, sir.
These.
Well, thank you for everything, Miss Pendennis.
You've been a great help.
I'll say goodbye for now,
but perhaps I'll see you when I come again.
Well, goodbye once more.
Thanks. I hope...
Oh! The oar.
Just a minute.
I was wondering how you came to lose that oar, but I quite understand it now.
I suppose you realise by this time I'm not a great seafaring man.
Well, you can't be good at everything.
I expect you're an absolute wizard with pigs.
Oh, yeah. I'm very good with pigs.
If you're not in too much of a hurry,
I could give you a few hints about handling the boat.
It might make it easier for you.
On such a fair day, with such a fair teacher,
twould be truly unfair to refuse.
Whoops!
- All right? - That's it.
Right now, keep your hands even and... ready?
That'll do.
You wouldn't have a drop of something to lubricate a sailor's parched gizzard?
I've a tongue like an Aborigines nightshirt.
Specs, give him a snifter. He ain't a bad old sort.
- Thank you, Father. - Walt?
(Specs) Give us your glass, Pops. I'll fill it up for you.
Say when. Blimey, you've got a bit of a thirst!
Now then, Phineas, you're sure no one saw you come across?
No, I used the little row boat. Quiet as a shadow in the night.
I came across the water like a gannet after a herring.
Good. Now then...
We need you to do the trip two or three times a week.
If you want the job, button your lip.
You can rely on me.
If I might give you a bit of advice, Father...
Yeah?
Get your bell-ringing times right.
I don't know about all the others, but the pub in the village opens on Vespers
and closes on Benediction.
Oh, very adjacent.
Brother Specs, you're bell boy. Get the gen on the times.
You're thinking along the right lines, Phineas.
(Willy clears throat)
Anyway, if you notice anything else dodgy on this set up,
come and tell the old Father Superior.
Now then, me old barnacle,
I think it's high time you and me had a nice little chat.
Don't drown yourself now. Don't forget you're driving.
{Phineas burps)
Granted.
Now then, them tulip bulbs ain't the ordinary kind.
They're very special. If somebody nicked one of them bulbs and tried to flog it,
he could get into a big bundle of trouble.
Just being caught with one of them bulbs in his cottage,
an old fisherman could get 18 months in the nick.
Oh, yes, sir. A very bad thing, sir.
Yeah, ere.
I reckon you deserve an extra couple of quid a trip, danger money.
- There you are. - Thank you, sir.
And if I...happen to see any of those tulip bulbs
that have tumbled out of the sack, I'll see you get it back.
That's right, Phineas. 'Ere, this will see you across the drink.
Thank you, sir. And my regards to your good lady.
That's a good lad.
Ahh!
- Brother Specs! - Hello.
Benediction.
J I've never seen Southampton
J I've never seen Brazil
J But the Don and the Magdalena I go there when I will
J Ayayay...J
(Bells chime)
(Bells continue to chime)
Doesn't the bell sound beautiful over the water, Father?
Returning like this makes me realise how much I've missed the sea.
- Do you feel like this, Father? - I do, Brother Lucius.
It's hard to think that we don't belong here any more.
Hey, Walt! Brother Walt!
I've just spotted them: there's two geezers coming this way!
- Bogeys? - No, monks!
- Monks?! - Yeah!
Quick, hop off and get Lorenzo. He's our only hope.
At least he went to Sunday school. Then fetch them hounds up to the office.
And Specs, keep your trap shut! You know how bad you talk.
Oh, yeah...
Lorenzo! Lorenzo!
Walt wants you, we're in trouble! Put them down. Follow me.
A couple of real monks have turned up, we don't know what we're gonna do.
Come on, you stupid goat.
{Goat bleats)
It ain't good. This is not what we wanted. Things could really go wrong now.
We've just got to bluff it out. Play it by ear, Lorenzo.
You've got the spiel, so I'll leave it to you to chat to 'em and hope for the best.
Quick, give it ere!
- I hope they go before evening prayers. - Evening prayers?
Ohh!
{Knock at door)
Cigar!
Saludos, amigos. Please to come in.
Good afternoon to you.
I hope we find you well.
I am Father Septimus and this is Brother Lucius.
That's nice. I'm Brother Lorenzo. This is Father Walter.
It's good of you to come and see us.
Not at all. We thought it was time we paid you a visit.
We were here on this island before you came.
Ah!
We are far away inland at the abbey now.
But I think a part of me remains here on this island.
It's great to see you, Father. I'm glad you popped in.
What a pity you had to scarper like you did and leave your gear behind!
Perhaps you would like to take a little wine with us
to refresh you after that long journey.
Thank you. I'm sure Brother Lucius, like myself, would be most grateful.
Brother Spectacles, would you bring us a little wine?
Yeah, of course.
Wine? Where will I get that from then?
- The kitchen, sefior. The kitchen. - The kitchen... Oh, the wine! Of course!
(They laugh)
Why don't you flop down in the chair, Father, take it off your feet a bit?
You, too, Brother Lucius.
It's quite a flip across the bay.
Especially all the way from your monastery.
(J Twist music)
Hey, Bikini, turn it off!
- What? = Turn it off!
- Oh, Specs! - Two of the real monks have turned up.
- Real monks? - I've got to take a bottle of wine up.
You better lay low.
They'd reckon we were a bunch of queer monks if you appeared.
You ain't kidding! Real monks, eh?
- What about the wine then? - Wine?
- Yeah? - What wine? 'Ere, we ain't got no wine!
- What? - No. We've got gin...
- Yeah. - Scotch, brandy.
We've even got some beer, but we ain't got no wine.
What's this then?
Sherry. That'll do.
Tell 'em we've run out of wine, but we've got Scotch and gin.
Right. I'll take the glasses with me as well.
Real monks!
- No, thank you. - Oh, don't smoke, eh?
Yes, well...
...I reckon you was double-choked when you had to leave the island, eh?
Choked? Yes, a good word.
Yes, we were, as you say, choked.
You see, we had such great plans.
Ultimately, we intended to cultivate the whole island.
We ain't got no wine, but if you fancy a drop of gut rot...
Yes, I'm sure it will be quite suitable, thank you, Brother.
A most willing member of our small brotherhood,
but incapable of carrying out the smallest order
without making some dreadful hoo-jah!
Yeah, he's a right nutter.
He's usually in charge of the taters and greens.
I reckon you could call him one of them fallers-by-the-wayside you talked about.
- A little for you, Father? - No.
It gives me a nasty pain in me Derby Kelly.
I'll just have a little drop of Jippo.
What exactly is the cause of your failure, Father?
Is perhaps the land not yielding enough
or was it the inclemency of the weather in the winter months?
- Good luck, boys! - Good health.
No, God blessed us with fruitful soil
and the winter weather, although a little wild, caused us no great anxiety.
No, it was the lack of money that finally defeated us.
However productive the soil, we could not grow bank notes.
No? I think perhaps you've been using the wrong fertiliser.
But I understand. It's a great pity.
What a shame! Ain't it a shame, Brother Lorenzo?
And you trying to do your best for them layabouts as well!
It will take time, but we will not fail with help such as yours.
- Us, Father? - The reason we're here is to thank you.
The splendid amount you gave us meant we did not lose everything in our venture.
That's all right, Father Septimus. It was a bargain.
Anyhow, we needed a gaff like this...
Si, sf. We, too, have a venture on hand.
Oh?
I should be interested to hear about it.
Ah, well... Would you like to partake of another glass of wine, Father,
before I speak to you of our intentions?
You don't think these two jokers are over here taking sights?
No, they seemed kind of friendly to me.
I've heard about friendly coppers.
They don't stay friendly once they know you're bent.
Could be on a suss and they'll go back and put the bubble in.
Could be. Only I arranged 'em like they was straight.
Not like us, but straight like straight-up monks.
I trust you've had a pleasant afternoon, Father?
Most entertaining and so encouraging to hear of your hopes and plans.
We're stacked right up with hopes and plans.
And quite rightly so.
But I feel I must warn you and your good Brother Lorenzo
that the growing of ground nuts would be very unwise and even impractical.
Quod semper respice tempus, so to speak.
Definitely. I think you're probably right there, Father.
Yes, I think we'll blow them out and stick with the old oysters and pearls.
The old oysters and pearls...
We certainly never exploited that source of revenue.
Perhaps that's where we went wrong.
- We mustn't miss our train, Father. - Yes, you must not miss your train.
- Tempus fugit, so to speak. - Then we must make our farewells.
I hope we may visit you again before the winter sets in.
- Yes, that's nice. - Any time. It's a pleasure.
Thank you for your hospitality, Father Walter.
- I hope you succeed where we failed. - That's very nice of you. Thanks a lot.
Good journey to you, Father Septimus. Adios, Brother Lucius.
Goodbye. We shall pray for you.
Goodbye.
And may God be with you, my son.
They're going to pray for us, Lorenzo.
- Yes, I know. - And us up to the capers that we are!
(Clucking)
Oh! Ohh!
Argh!
Brother Willy was right. They're a lot of desperados in there!
Ah!
'Ere! Got a bit of bacon knocking about?
No. You said no knives in no pigs!
Oh, yeah. Look, whack that in a pan with a slice of fried bread, will ya?
- Didn't you enjoy your supper? - Eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It was very nice.
You don't look as though you did.
Well, I can't eat all that... Stew, wasn't it?
You know me. I'm a steak and chips man with a rub of the garlic.
I wish I could cook you something nice, Walt.
It ain't much fun seeing it come back like it does.
You'll soon learn, me little lollipop. That smells great.
Anyone can fry an egg, but you can't live on that all the time.
How about a few Jack the Rippers or a couple of choice bloaters?
No, I want to cook you something nice.
You've been too busy ticklin' up them furs. You've never had a chance to learn.
How about me buying you a nice cookery book?
- Do you think I could pick it up? - Course you could.
What about all them dud cheques?
You soon picked up the forgery business, didn't ya?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did, didn't I? Perhaps I could, Walt.
It'll be a doddle. That's what we'll do.
We'll buy you a real cookery book first thing in the morning.
In you go. Good morning!
Ah! I know what you've come for, Brother.
- You do? - "The Catholic Herald".
- Eh? - I got six back numbers here for you.
- Oh! Oh, good. Thank you. Ta. - I wondered when you'd come in for em.
We've been very busy because it's all go being a monk.
He don't make things any easier. Do ya, hey?
(Bleats)
Look at that. He loves this. Do him good. Here you are.
- I really came about a nice cookery book. - I've got the very thing for you.
Good.
Here you are then. "The Secrets of Baking and Broiling".
- Or "Pie Making With Felicity Todd". - That is the one.
With the stuff we've been having, I could eat a pie made by Sweeney Todd!
Sweeney Todd! Know what I mean? Can you change this?
- Oh, I dare say. - Good. There you are.
Don't forget the liquorice he had. I'll have one as well.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
- You've brought the oar back then? - The oar?
Oh, yeah, the oar. Yeah, well, I thought you might need it.
I suppose you know everything about gardening. The other Brothers did.
Well, no... Well, no, not exactly everything.
- I forgot. You only know all about pigs. - Yeah.
That's funny. Now you come to mention it, old Bertha, our big sow...
She's been very bad-tempered.
She never did like me much, but now I can't go nowhere near her.
Oh, that's strange. Oh, my Aunt Kitty once had a pig like that, too.
Would you like me to come and have a look at her?
Would you? That'd be marvellous.
Oh, no, you'd better not, no.
Well, I'd like you to, but it's the Father Superior. He's very strict.
Oh.
- Morning. - Morning.
Morning.
Gorgeous Geoff, let's see where he is.
'Ere, Gorgeous Geoff is running Saturday, Tosh.
I didn't tell you I'd got a greyhound. Runs at the White City, he does.
Very fair form in Ireland. He could win a couple of races here.
Look at that, second last time out. 29.57, not a bad time, is it?
(Bleats)
We need you in trap three, him in trap four.
Let him break in front of you. As he comes out, the old horns...
Whoops! Ah! Woo-hoo!
Bound to do it. Couldn't fail.
He could really do this one if he's running into form.
I must get a bet on. Must be somewhere in this village.
Where's Willy got to? You hang on. I shan't be a minute.
Hello, hello. It's all happening again!
You great, long, slimy, hairy-headed nosh bag!
You couldn't eat a copy of "The Catholic Herald"!
You had to go and nosh my "Sporting Life"!
I've a good mind to stick one on your chops...
Thank you, er... for the loan of the oar, Miss Pendennis.
Oh, I expect you'll need this, too.
- Are you going to do a bit of rowing? - Are we ready to depart?
Oh, yes, Brother Willy, we're quite ready. Ta-ta, miss. See you later.
Come on, Tosh. Home we go.
Come on, me old goat then.
Oh! You ain't half putting on weight, Tosh!
- (Bleating) - Please! You like it when you get in.
Oh!
(Bleating)
Ta-ta! See you soon!
How are they turning out, Brother Squirts?
The Bank of England would pay 4 pounds, 19 and 6 for these.
- That good, are they? - You're joking, aren't you?
Here you are, anyone you like.
Lovely.
- You can almost smell the mint. - Yeah.
- (Bleating) - What's the matter with him?
He had a load of liquorice this morning.
Didn't half give him some stick. It's upset all his organs.
Keep bashin' 'em out. We only get one real one for every two of these.
How about that one, Brother Lorenzo?
Magnificent!
Truly a diamond. This might be the one I'm looking for.
A good one, eh? No mockers?
No mockers in these stones, Brother Walt.
A blue-white Brazilian.
- Oh... - It's perfect.
Oh, that's got a lot of sparkle. That must be worth a few bob.
- Six carats. - Well, all grist to the mill.
- All right, son? - Yeah, grand, innit?
Lovely. Keep at it.
How are you off for stock, Brother Bikini?
Not too bad. I've got enough for two or three days.
That's all right. There's a load on ice waiting to be shipped down.
Is that the finished article?
Almost. They've been koshered. Nobody would recognise them.
That's good. Ginzy's setting up a mannequin parade.
We'll be able to knock em off at tip-top prices
and cut out them crooked fences, the bloodsuckers!
Oh! 'Ere, have a look at this one.
This is the one I fancy, Brother Walt.
Yeah, I fancy that.
{Cockerel crows)
(Snoring)
- I reckon it's myxomatosis. - Eh?
I read about that. It's horrible. They all curl up and die.
No, with that, they go all skinny. This one has gone all fat.
Besides, only rabbits get that.
The way her snout's twitching, it could be foot-and-mouth disease.
Come out of it, Tosh. You don't want a dose of that lot.
I fear the worst. It's ptomaine poisoning.
They catch it from bad food. It ain't good.
- What did you give her for breakfast? - All them pilchards left over.
(All) Ooh!
That's it. If you ate Bikini's pilchards, you'd have ptomaine poisoning!
Look out, 'ere she comes.
Brother Walt reckons it's ptomaine poisoning after eating your pilchards.
- Oh, he does, does he? - Ow!
I reckon she's going off you, Walt!
Ohh!
(Grunting)
I reckon somebody's about to become a father!
Brother Willy, you're the pig-minder.
Looks like you'll have to be the midwife as well.
No. No, I can't do that. I've never been married or nothing.
Yeah, but you've been to Blackpool, ain't ya?
(Laughter)
No. No, it ain't good. I have a sister who married a farmer in Castile.
They have the piggies,
but the mama pig never gives birth when the man is present.
- Always you must have the lady. - We've got her.
Yeah...
No! I didn't want to be cook and I won't be a nurse!
So you can send for your sister who married a farmer
and lives in a castle and that's that!
No, Bikini, don't mess about!
You're the only one who can do it. Bikini! Bikini...
- What's this turned up? A skirt? - Hello!
Oh, yeah. That's all right. That's the one I told you about.
That's Phineas's granddaughter.
You never told us she was like this. It is good.
- Yeah, she's very fair, ain't she? - Very fair.
- That's what I said, didn't I? - I'll go and have a little chat with her.
Yeah, I would if I was you before little old Specs gets in there.
- Hello. - Hello.
Oh...
That's the Father Superior.
- Your medical supplies from Granddad. - Oh, yeah. Thanks.
(Grunting)
- Is that Bertha? - Yeah, it's very serious.
{Grunts more loudly)
- You know what's the matter? - Yeah.
- And you want me to look after her? - (All) Yeah.
Right.
(Laughter)
What about your monastic duties?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, Brother Specs. Come on, you lot.
- Let's get back to our monastic duties. - I wanted to watch it!
This calls for a celebration, the pitter-patter of tiny trotters!
- Lovely. - Let's have a light.
- Blimey, the Montez diamonds! - Eh?
- Me next. Oi, come on! - Hold on, I'll give you a light.
Don't inhale. It ain't good, that.
Let's give you a hand with this. It'll stunt your growth!
What are you talkin' about? Get out of it, you.
It's all right now, Brother Willy!
Well, I...
I'd better be going now.
Oh...
Granddad will wonder where I've got to.
Oh, yes.
80. 85. 90.
95. A ton. Right?
Qi! Oi! Now, listen.
That's 100 pounds to win,
Gorgeous Geoff, White City, Saturday night. You got it?
- Right, I got it. - Good boy.
Ere!
Phineas, don't make any mistakes. That could come to a lot of money.
Leave it to me, Brother Squirts. I'll get it on for you.
Don't forget, not a word to anybody.
This is just between you and me and little Tosh here, right?
Tight as a fish's gearbox and that's watertight.
Yeah, fine. See you later. Come on. Come on, you.
Stone the crows! A hundred quid to win?
I think I better have five bob on this myself.
That's a hundred pounds...
and five shillings to win.
You're having a go, Phineas.
It's information. I know the owner.
It's too big for me. I'll put it through to Newquay.
- You'll get commission on that then? - Just a crust.
This calls for you buying me a pint of rough.
We ain't open yet.
All right. Only drink it up quick!
Wait a minute. A shilling in the pound? That's several crusts.
Better make that a large whisky.
Ah! Lovely.
Tosh! Tosh!
(Bleating)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Right, finished? Good boy. Come on.
Come on. Come on, bedtime!
Come on.
Come on, lovely. If you get me up again in the middle of the night,
I'll report you to the Father Superior. Did you hear what I said?
Come on then, you great horned monster.
Get in there.
Right, come on, and no snoring. Understand? Good boy, good boy.
{Knock at door)
Go away!
It's all right, Bikini. It's only me, Little Walter.
I know it is. Go away!
No, straight up, word of honour. I've brought you a present.
Oh, leave off, Walter. I want to go to sleep!
You'll like this. It's lovely.
Come on, Bikini. Be a sport.
(Wind howls)
(Thunder rumbles)
Look at that!
That's the best pie I've ever seen in my life.
- I bet it don't half taste good! - A right drop of gear!
It has the smell of the pie that is real.
You couldn't eat apple pie after that big breakfast.
- Couldn't we? - Want a bet?
- We could force ourselves. - Tosh is dying for a bit.
Can't get any on the island. You know what I mean?
Get out of it! He's got his horns in a terrible place.
What's this? The breadline?
Just cos you can't work outside don't mean you can't work inside.
Dive down the crypt and get the wheels of industry turning!
- A bit for Tosh. - You, too.
- Lovely. - Come on.
Where's my bit of pie then?
I always thought you was a steak and chips man!
Come on, whack us a piece of pie!
Where's Willy? Hasn't he smelt the cooking?
- I expect he's out feeding his animals. - When he comes in, send him down.
Lorenzo's got enough on his plate and that boy's got a lot to learn yet.
'Ere you are, din-dins!
Come on, grub up!
Nice and dry.
I'm not surprised you don't feel so good.
If you keep going out in the rain to feed that menagerie,
you're going to feel a whole lot worse, a whole lot worse!
Look at you, you're soaking wet!
What do you do over there? Tell em little bedtime stories?
'Ere you are. Hold on, I've got a couple of tablets for you.
- Thanks. - 'Ere you are. Take these.
If you don't be careful, you're going to go down with the flu.
Ta. I think I'll go and have a little lie-down.
(Wind howls)
(Crack of thunder)
Looks like all our lovely veg will be washed away.
The wind's playing marbles with the Brussels sprouts.
- What's that? - Eggnog.
Is that for me? Oh, that don't half get your back up!
Give us a kiss, you luscious lump of monkhood!
Oh, get out of it! This ain't for you. It's for Brother Willy.
For Willy? Eggnog? What's going on here?
He ain't well. He's gone to bed.
- That ain't like Willy. - I know. I'm worried, Walt.
Get through to the mainland and get a quack out here.
I can't. The lines blew down in the storm. I'll go and see how he's shaping.
Tell him I'll be down with his eggnog in a minute!
Right!
Look at that lot! Come on, lively now!
Get your skates on, Bikini! Look at that spread!
- Smashing, innit? - Here you are, Tosh. Come on, eat it up.
- Brothers, get stuck in. - We want you to serve it up.
I've got to take this down to Brother Willy. I think he's caught the flu.
Oh, dear. Fancy that, Brother Willy getting the stoodle-oo!
- Yeah. - Hey, it ain't good, that.
I have an uncle in Sevilla who get this stoodle-dee-do.
- What happened to him? - Nothing.
- (All) He died. - Ain't it grand?
He don't look none too good, Walt.
No. Don't he look hot? What do you make of it?
I don't know. If he'd been stabbed or sliced with a razor, I'd know what to do.
But these sort of things you pass over to the doc.
What was in the bag that old man's granddaughter brought over?
- That looked like a doctor's bag. - I wish it had been.
That was the Montez diamonds.
- How are you then, Willy boy? - He's very dodgy.
He does look a bit rough.
Let me see.
He's got very much fever. It is good we bathe his head in some cool water.
I'll get some.
What do you make of it, Lorenzo?
- He's very sick. It could be pneumonia. - Poor old Willy.
- You're joking! - Oh, rotten, innit?
He's probably been ill for several days. This may be the crisis.
If so, the few next hours could decide it.
Do you mean to say Willy might be saying "ta-ta"?
It's possible.
And him with that lovely poetry inside him.
There must be something we can do.
A few M&B tablets or one single injection would work miracles.
Without them, we can only hope for a miracle.
I could row across to the mainland and get 'em.
- I'll come with you. - In this sea, you'll never get across.
We could try.
Even if you did make it, it would probably be too late.
That's a nice thing, innit? You mean we've just got to wait here until he...
Don't say that. There must be something.
There's only one person who can help Willy now.
(Willy groans and whimpers)
You'll keep an eye on him, won't you, Lorenzo?
(Crack of thunder)
Well...
I'm Little Walter and I ain't too sure how to put this to you.
I won't tell you what sort of a fella I am cos I reckon you know that already.
Also, you'll know I ain't done too much of this sort of thing.
I come about young Willy.
He's out there on his Peter and can't make it himself.
Willy ain't a bad fella. He ain't never done any real bad villainy.
He's only our lookout man and sometimes does a bit of driving.
No, you couldn't take him on a job proper. He wouldn't know what it was all about.
He sort of fancies himself as a bit of a poet.
I've known him a long time now.
Ever since he was a nipper nicking poetry books off a stall in Petticoat Lane.
He never had any real people, not to speak of.
So I more or less took charge of him.
Everybody thinks the world of him. All the "ounds. Even the bogeys.
I reckon you'd like him as well if you knew him like we do.
Oh, well...
Now it looks as if he may be drifting on just cos we ain't got a few old tablets.
So I come to you.
I reckon that's all.
So do your best, will you?
He's a good Willy.
He...
He says if you don't send him something to eat, he'll come up and cook it himself!
Whee-ee!
You great, short-sighted nitwit! Look where you're going!
- It's Willy. He's all right! - Willy's what?
- I've got to tell the boys! - He's all right? He's all right?
- Yeah! - Oh!
Where is he?
Cor! What a right old Charlie you turned out to be, eh?
Well, well, well, you had us all fooled.
I thought we'd have an extra share to split up!
You don't think I'd leave you with those worries?
How are you feeling, Willy boy?
Fine, thanks to you lot.
It's Brother Lorenzo and Bikini you've got to thank.
They did the lion's share.
That old shamrock might have had a bit to do with it, that old monk.
He said a bit of him remains here on the island.
(PA) 'Here is the result of race number five.
'First, number six, Gorgeous Geoff, owned by Squirts McGinty..."
Pity old Squirts disappeared. That's four on the trot his dog's won.
Good job for me he did disappear. I've lost a fortune on it as it is.
Some lunatic in Newquay sticks 100 quid on it every time it runs.
- It's cost me over 1,300 nicker! - What's that?
- 1,300 nicker! - Someone in Newquay?
Yeah. Why?
Can you spare a minute? Come and have a drink.
All right. Take over, Charlie, will you?
- Lovely, eh? - I really enjoyed that.
I could eat this all day.
What's the matter, Brother Walt?
Ain't you gonna finish your Bomb Surprise?
- Me what? - Your duff. Ain't it nice?
It was marvellous. Wasn't it, lads? Marvellous!
- Ten out of ten for that. - Have a drop of brandy in the coffee.
- Here you are, Tosh. - Here you are, Willy.
- Brandy, Brother? - Yeah. Good.
Well, now that we're all here, I'd better tell you the good news.
The sentence is up with full remission for good behaviour.
Eh?
Back to civilisation!
Do you mean we're going to float off?
Lovely old London, the bright lights,
parties and excitement, the old razzamatazz.
I don't fancy that, Brother Walt. I'd crack up under all that.
Nah, I can't leave. I've got a whole field of curly greens coming up out there.
- They need me. - We mustn't leave now, Walt.
I'd miss the best of my rhubarb.
It ain't good. Any day, I shall present our cook with a genuine Spanish onion!
Is that right? Great! Now I'll be able to have a go at that potage flamboyant.
Oh, that'd be marvellous!
What's the matter with you lot? You all gone punchy or something?
I had to stick shooters up your backs to get you here. Now it's the place to be!
What's all this malarkey about curly greens and the best of the rhubarb?
With the vegetables we're taking back, we can live in the plush places.
I've got some good friends in the pig sty: Bertha and her little porkers.
Not to mention them down at the chicken run.
Yeah, and what about my cooking?
If you want to cook, I'll get you a job in Luigi's caff.
Your wages'll buy me cigars.
Listen, you, I want to cook the kind of fodder I want to cook!
I want me own pots and pans, me own stove!
I want my own kitchen!
Get on her!
She never knew chips was made from taters till she read that book on it!
I've got to go back and start dodging the traffic again? I feel safe out here.
You know what Oxford Street's like at Christmas time. I'd get done up in style!
At Christmas, you'll be loaded.
You can go anywhere you like: Monte Carlo, Cannes, Biarritzy, the lot!
We want to stay here, Brother Walt.
I'm the specialist again, the salad king.
The hands have come to terms with the spade.
The muscles have grown big with labour. And the mind is at peace.
He's right, Walt. It sort of gets you, don't it?
It's sort of got me. I like all this jazz. I'm definitely for staying on here.
Well, I say it's time to go.
This letter arrived on the first boat. It's from the real monks.
They want to pay us another visit. That would put the tin hat on it.
Next they'll want us to play "em at cricket!
You can't live a life of dodgement for ever.
Maybe we could've stayed as farmers, but it wouldn't have been safe.
Cos we was monks, we pulled it off!
Being a monk is good for me nerves.
I don't grab for me hat when there's a knock at the door!
You think I'll find it easy to leave? You think I ain't got no chinas down here?
What about my girls over the cowshed? They've grown to like their Uncle Walt.
You know the trouble with you lot?
You're forgetting that you're a band of hard nuts,
a team of villains.
You went out thieving instead of going to work. You stole what you wanted.
You've had high jinks, cut capers, had a right old time, but work?
You didn't want to know about that.
Well, now the twisters are twisted.
You want to work out here and can't.
You're crooked. You're bent.
You ain't welcome.
Yeah. They don't want to know us, do they?
We'll have to start hiding again.
Sf, si. It ain't good.
Oh, it ain't as bad as all that.
Ginzy's found us a drum in Ealing. Very remote and secluded.
We wait there till he settles all the deals, then we split up.
I reckon with nearly 30 grand apiece.
Yeah, I think you're right, Walt.
But I'd like to have known the name of them new apples I'm growing.
How much did you get? 300 apiece?
Good going, Ginzy!
That just leaves the last few bits and we'll bring them down with us.
Right. Get a few bottles of Scotch in for the boys
and we'll see you tomorrow night. Ta-ral
Now, then... Are they looking after you all right, Hornblower?
- Yes, sir. - Well, it's all over.
You've been a good lad, so here's a little bonus for you.
Cor! Thank you, sir. Will you not be coming this way again, sir?
Somehow I don't think so. But if we do, you're our lad.
- Been a pleasure to be of service... - There's just one more thing.
What would you say to your pretty little granddaughter marrying our Willy?
My little lobster marrying into one of your crowd? Stone the crows!
I'll go down with the ship before that happens. I'll have no crooks in my family!
- Leave off... - Put him in Willy's cell.
- Come on. - What are you doing?
I'll have the law on you! I'll call the coastguard!
The Lord Lieutenant'll hear about this!
- You'll look after him for me? - Yes, Father.
Good girl. Ah, here he is!
Going fishing, eh? Well, make sure you don't let this one get away.
Now mind how you go in that galleon of yours, Willy.
Ta-ra then. Ta-ra, Willy!
- Goodbye! - Goodbye, Father!
Ta-ra! Look after her!
Can't get these in the trunk, me old lovely. You'll have to wear em.
"Me old lovely"? You snake in the grass!
- What's all this about? - I'll tell you!
It's about a little ceremony that you very conveniently forgot!
You must think I just got off the boat!
I'm beginning to see through you. Make no mistakes about it!
As soon as we get out of here and you grow some proper hair,
you're gonna marry me, Father Superior!
- 1am? - You am. I mean, you are.
I'm fed up with being one of the mob. You've had me dangling long enough!
Pull your darts out and tea for one! I'm telling you straight...
All right, if you say so, but don't do a Sarah Bernhardt on me!
All right.
All right? Oh, well then...
All right.
(Laughter)
What are you lot laughing at?
It won't be too bad. She can make a nice cup of tea.
Happens to the best of us, especially at your age.
That's right. So don't knock on our door with a safe you want opening!
From now on, he's going to be respectable. Ain't you?
- Yeah. - (Laughter)
(Brakes screech)
- Hey, which way to the pub? - Eh?
- The Ship. - Oh, up there and on the right.
Come on. Don't hang about. Get all this lot on the boat!
I only phoned a few bets through to Newquay. There's no law agin that.
- No law against taking bets in boozers? - I didn't say I took any bets.
Are you trying to kid me
you had a 100 pounds bet on a dog at the White City in London?
A bottle-opener in a nasty place like this?
- Well, Superintendent! - You do yourself a big favour, chummy.
You tell Mungo all about it.
I just put on a few bets for Phineas. That's all.
- Phineas? Don't give me no Phineas! - No, he's a fisherman.
Where will I find him now, immediately?
If he's not in his cottage, maybe he'll be on the island.
He does some fetching and carrying for the new monks.
New monks? What monks?
They're coming, Father.
- They're not wearing the habit. - I thought they might not be.
Do you know why Father Walter wanted us to meet him here?
No, he simply said it would be to our advantage.
May I extend greetings to you?
Father, I ain't got time to jabber. This is for you and the boys.
The best of luck and look after yourselves.
'Ere, cop this, son.
What are we going to do now, Walt?
Nothing, Specs. We ain't got nowhere to go.
Would you mind, Father? Thank you.
(Tosh bleats)
(Bleats loudly)
The deeds of the island.
Father Walter has given everything back to the Order.