Darwin Awards, The (2006) Movie Script
The peaceful moment.
It doesn't really exist.
By the time I finish this sentence...
about seven people around the
world will make a huge mistake.
They call them the Darwin Awards.
In the late '70s, they started
giving out an award each year...
for the person who died
in the most idiotic way.
The idea being, these people's
actions are so moronic...
they're actually improving the gene
pool by removing themselves from it.
For instance, Trip Hansen, an ad executive...
was showing off his new penthouse office.
Oh, man. Instant fuck pad.
You lucky bastard.
That glass? Four-ply.
- Bulletproof.
- Bullshit.
All right.
What are you doing?
Walkin' the talk.
- No, no, no, no!
- He runs at the window.
You know, to prove it was shatterproof.
Holy shit!
Turns out it wasn't.
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
For me, it was the Darwin Awards.
There we are.
Okay, I guess you could say it
was actually more of an obsession.
But I just couldn't help trying to imagine...
what type of personality it would
take to meet such strange fates.
Why am I so obsessed with
analyzing personalities?
Well, that's my dayjob.
I'm a criminal profiler
for the S.F.P.D., Homicide.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Stay on
the other side of the tape.
Oh, you got it. You got it.
Behind this tape. Perfect.
That numb-nuts have
clearance to be here?
The chief said I'd been selected to be
followed around by this documentary filmmaker.
Said it would be good for P.R.
Truthfully, hejust seems
like some kid out of college.
You know, originally when
you asked about filming me...
I thought you meant a couple of hours.
It's been two days.
Just keep going about your
job as if I'm not here.
Just pretend I'm invisible.
This guy was starting to get on my nerves.
What are you eating?
- You still here?
- What were you dreaming about?
Why liquid soap?
I'm considered the best profiler on the force.
It's a talent that began back in fourth grade.
I see a couple problems with your story.
What problem?
First, you had to have been
in the liquor store alone.
Second, he was a Seventh-day Adventist...
so why would he be in the liquor store?
It's not fair we have to do recess
inside all year 'cause of you.
- Who says I did it?
- You have a problem with authority.
Miss Fong flunked you in math.
And... the wood chips on the strongbox
matches your Louisville Slugger exactly.
You tell Miss Fong, and
it's your ass, Burrows!
Fourth grade was also the beginning
of another lifelong condition.
- Hematophobia. Fainting
response to the sight ofblood.
My ability to connect the facts...
never really helped my popularity...
but at least it provided a job.
- We got plenty of Polaroids.
- These are digital.
I'm takin' a extra set. You know, for Burrows.
If that little shit wants to help
out with this investigation...
let him get his ass down
here just like everybody else.
He did. He's outside.
So...
what made you choose me
for this project anyway?
You were the only one on the
force who agreed to do it.
Oh.
Five dead in four weeks.
It seemed like a serial case,
and no one could solve it.
That meant it fell in my lap.
- Hi, Bill.
- Okay.
Give me perps under six
feet with size 14 shoes.
Check the clothing records
at Quentin and Folsom.
S.F.P.D. here. Working overtime.
Just ignore the camera.
- It's not all doughnuts and broads.
- Oh, please. Don't encourage him.
Nobody under six feet's gonna have size 14...
Whoa! Look at this.
At least 378 people do.
Those footprints were
half as deep as the others.
Guy couldn't have weighed more than 140.
- Isolate for guys with some college. Lit majors.
- Why?
Locations of the attacks...
Hughes Laundromat...
Gates Apartments, Eliot Business College...
They're all names of poets.
Here's your short lit
major cons with big feet.
I'd suggest you bring all five of'em in.
This perp's gonna be in deep hiding.
Criminology 101. Serial killers always
follow the investigation of their crime.
"Hematophobia. Debilitating
disorder, unresponsive to treatment."
Another fuckin' useless book.
You should leave. Now. Leave.
Police! Follow my command!
Move down here nice and slow.
Nice and slow. That's it.
- What is this? Cops?
- Get down on your knees!
Get on your knees! Interlace
your fingers behind your head!
- Call 911.
- I can't interfere. I have to keep filming.
- What?
- It's part of the documentary process, man.
- You have to remain an objective observer.
- You're fucking useless.
Yeah. This is Officer Burrows.
I need immediate backup on
Columbus and Kerouac. Yeah.
Am I gonna have to sign a release?
Shut the fuck up!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
"This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but a whimper."
That is the most over-quoted
poem in modern lit.
What? Did you have to memorize that
for your 11 th grade English class?
Fuck off.
Well, then.
Oh, my God.
- Turn it off. Turn it the fuck off!
- Please don't. No, please don't.
Isn't this over? I'm not a cop anymore.
- There's nothing left to film.
- A documentary is like a river.
You follow its natural course until it's...
Oh, just shut up and give
me back the apartment keys.
What are you doin'?
- If I tell you, will you go away?
- For tonight.
I'm looking at all the bills I can't pay...
Rent, Visa, electricity, insurance.
Okay, what's goin'on?
What's that?
What are you doin'? What's that?
You can't follow me.
- What did you say this was for?
- Student film.
It's also a helpful research tool.
Mr. Burrows...
First Fidelity Life and Casualty already has
the most complete profiles in the business.
Yeah, you've got risk profiles for heart
disease, cancer, even drunk driving.
But nothing for these Darwin Award types.
But you have no experience
in insurance profiles.
I was the best on the force at personality
profiles... Predicting people's behavior.
Yeah, but we already have
a full staff of actuaries...
I can tell you what kind
of underwear you're wearing.
- Excuse me?...
- Bikini-cut briefs.
Color? Probably red.
- No, make that black.
- How do you...
If that were the case, how would you...
You have pictures of your wife
on your desk, but not of children.
Bikini-cut briefs drastically
reduce a man's fertility.
Being in the insurance industry,
my guess is you're aware of this...
and your fertility restriction is by design.
Probably 'cause you're having an affair.
Given your age andjob status, there's a
But the two gifts in your
office make it a certainty.
One from Gump's, obviously for your wife...
probably bought out of guilt.
The other, from Sugarpuss on Haight Street...
which, let's just say, is not
where one shops for their wife.
According to psychological studies...
black is the color chosen by men
in midlife crisis trying to rebel...
but who, in fact, are
simply... terrified of death.
Damn.
- Could you turn the camera off, please?
- You got it.
Why...
Why should First Fidelity
care about these Darwin cases?
The cases I describe in my report cost
your company $22 million per annum.
- That's last year alone.
- Jesus.
- You said there's no profile.
- Right.
Well, we create one.
You can predict a person's
fate based on three traits.
For instance, if you weigh over 250
pounds, use bar soap rather than liquid...
and don't have a nonskid surface in
your shower, you have a 2.2% chance of...
That's worldwide.
Sad thing is, 90% of these
accidents are preventable.
Just requires a little precaution.
Get someone to study
these Darwin Award types...
find three common risk
factors, you got your profile.
Screen against this profile,
you'll save $22 million per annum.
Okay. Okay. You begin immediately...
and, um, you start with... with those.
These cases are all over the
country. See, I don't travel.
- I've never been out of San Francisco.
- Well, that's a deal-breaker.
You have four weeks to prove your theory.
If you're right, you have a job. If not...
Four weeks isn't nearly enough time.
I'm gonna pair you with a claims investigator.
And she specializes in, um, unusual cases.
Jim, you mind?
Zippy Cola is a client of First Fidelity.
They've got a potential wrongful
death suit on their hands.
You nervous?
No. Feels good to be working again.
That's a lot ofblood.
Ugh. Gross.
Could you please not... Oh, my God.
Yeah. I've got enough for now.
Has anybody checked the coins?
Who the hell's this guy?
Who the fuck is this guy?
I have everything I need. Thank you.
I just noticed his right sleeve is ripped.
Seriously. Who the fuck are you and
what the fuck is this camera doing here?
Hello? Can you look at me
when I'm talking to you?
Are you crazy?
My name is Burrows and...
Are you all right?
Of course. Just a little light-headed.
Listen.
I'm Siri Taylor. I'm the claims investigator.
And, uh, you are here only to observe.
So if you get another theory
about our client's liability...
Well, I do have a theory
regarding your client's liability.
People think motive analysis is unimaginative.
It's actually the opposite.
If you imagine all the possible scenarios...
you'll find the one most likely.
Who... is in fact... your daddy?
I am.
Come on!
Piece of shit!
You like that? Come to papa.
Come to papi.
Oh. Oh, shit.
Any second now you can go ahead
and... wipe that smile off your face.
Hello?
I'm actually originally from South Bend.
I moved here for love. I know. It's,
like, the oldest story in the book.
I needed my space, and much like you...
she, uh, wouldn't let me go.
Hey. Hey!
Hey! Hey! I'm in here!
Hey! Hello!
You minimum-wage asshole!
I'm in here! Motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
The building will be
closed till Monday morning.
Have a nice weekend.
That's great.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Guys like Emile here...
they spend their whole
lives testing the system.
Sooner or later, it's gonna catch up with 'em.
This is the way the world ends.
First of all, theories are bullshit.
"B", the legs on that machine, they failed.
So we have liability. Thirdly,
this dickhead has to go.
- It was criminal tampering.
- We only deal in hard proof.
Open up the machine. Check
the inside for his prints.
Okay. You want enough rope
to hang yourself? Fine.
One condition. You're wrong, and
you get some other investigator.
All right. All right.
But if I'm right, we investigate
my bullshit theories on these cases.
Hmm.
The deceased's prints coat
the inside of all the machines.
You on the job?
Used to be. S.F.P.D.
Also seems I've saved Zippy Cola
from a multimillion-dollar suit.
There's a non-tampering clause. See?
- Does that help Emile Travers?
- No.
But he was clearly in the wrong.
Oh, God. What the hell are you doing?
Just analyzing motivation.
Analyzing motivation.
It's simple. Greedy
bastard didn't want to pay.
Got his hand caught in the cookie jar.
It's not a question of greed.
Travers made over six figures.
He could afford cheese
crackers. He did it to win.
- To feel like he was beating the system.
- Fascinating.
So, tell me. Why are we going all
the way to fucking Minnesota...
for a simple stolen car claim?
I picked Minnesota...
- 'cause the town hasn't had a stolen car in 42 years.
- So?
So, the chances of a
brand-new car being stolen...
in a town that hasn't had a
theft in 42 years is 3,000-to-1.
Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
- I ordered steamed vegetables.
Yeah, you know, hot dish is
all we have after breakfast.
- What is that?
- A spork.
A spork.
Combination of spoon and fork.
Right.
Of course. Of course.
For an ex-cop, you're kind
of a pussy, aren't you?
I'm not used to traveling. So what?
I'm not talking about that. The cashier.
You've been checking her
out for, like, 20 minutes...
but you haven't said anything.
I don't have time to...
- I'm here to concentrate on work.
- Right.
Okay, listen, Casanova.
When we go to interview this car
claim, just let me do the talking.
All right?
Spork.
First rule of investigation:
Notice everything.
- Would you like a cookie?
- Oh, no, thank you.
Um, according to the form here, Mr. Sparrow...
it says the men took the car
from you at gunpoint, correct?
- Yeah, that's how Bob got shot.
- How completely terrifying.
Um, could you, for the record, just
repeat the description of the men?
Oh, well, they were, uh, bad guys.
They were definitely, uh,
you know, from the city there.
They weren't from around
here. I would have known 'em.
Okay, so, bad men from the city.
Thank you, Mr. Sparrow. We're done.
- We're what?
- Done.
Oh, I don't want any trouble. I just...
I want the money back for my truck, is all.
Why are you making it so complicated?
I go through a hundred cases a year.
Ninety-nine percent of them
are just plain accidents.
I mean, if he was lying...
The things, they just happen. It's fate.
I believe in behavior, not fate.
So lightning comes shooting out of the sky...
and you're gonna blame the
poor slob who got hit by it?
If he's playing golf
during a thunderstorm, yes!
God.
Well, so what if I just decided to walk
out here on the oh-so-dangerous ice.
No, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Yeah, you probably wouldn't unzip your
fly without assessing the risk first.
You know, you're being
stupid. You're not being funny.
And 20% of back injuries occur on...
Siri!
I'm coming! Shit.
You all right?
No. Yeah. I mean... It's just the fish.
Oh, Jesus. Sounds like you have a concussion.
No. No, dummy. The fish in the trees.
The fish in the...
Everywhere.
They have carbon burns on them.
In this culture, the number
There's a rise in recreational accidents
for men between the ages 40 and 42.
Probably because men of that age can afford
the recreational equipment to do the damage.
Damn.
- Goddamn.
- That's right. Goddamn.
- Uh, what's she get per gallon?
- Who gives a shit?
- Ow!
- Watch the tire.
Oh, yeah!
- Ten cylinders, fuel injected!
- Fuck you!
Okay? Fuck you for having
this truck before I did!
Yeah, fuck me is right, eh?
Sparrow had been in three vehicular accidents.
- Ready, Max?
- But other than that, his record was clean.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Max! Good boy, Max.
This lake sucks. All the ducks are gone!
- Let's get some fish.
- Yeah! Ice fishin'!
- This is gonna take an hour!
- I got a better idea.
Recreational use ofhigh explosives
is illegal in all 50 states.
But about 3,000 times a year, men
like Tom Sparrow seem to find them.
- Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I got this from Wally down at the plant.
Well, I figure instead of busting our asses...
diggin' a hole in there, we'll just use this.
Hey, shit. Be careful with that.
Relax, it's got an extra-long fuse.
Besides, I almost made
quarterback in high school.
- Jesus Christ!
- What are you doin'?
Stop fuckin' around! Throw it!
Man.
- This is what it's all about.
- I guess.
Heel, Max!
- You know, Max could get hurt.
- Heel, Max! Heel!
He's fetching! Drop it!
Drop it, Max! Drop it!
Tom, what do we do now?
Run!
Run!
- Whoa! Fuck.
- We gotta shoot!
No, Max!
- No!
- Fuck!
Oh!
Bob! It's freezing!
- Hold up! Hold up!
- One thing I've learned studying people.
Bravery and stupidity aren't
mutually exclusive traits.
In fact, you might argue
they're one and the same.
Bob! Oh! Bob!
Hey. You're zoning out again.
I want to go to the hospital.
Visit the one who was shot.
Oh, come on. Come on. We're
behind schedule already.
Besides, the case is closed.
You didn't learn anything.
Correction. We learned he had
a history of military surplus...
car accidents, and he's a second child.
Just like Emile Travers.
Hey, you just hate the fact
that the rookie solved the case.
- Hey! Who found the fish?
- You fell.
It's not like you thought, "I'm gonna
lie down and look for fish in the trees."
- You fell.
- Fine, yeah, I fell. Falling.
Something you wouldn't have thought to do...
because you're too chickenshit to
go out on the ice in the first place.
Laughing is not objective.
Before, these Darwin cases
werejust a puzzle to solve.
Now I was connecting them to names and faces.
I wasn't satisfiedjust studying
these accidents anymore.
I wanted to find a way to prevent them.
Sorry. Nurse!
Can you speed up a little bit?
Two-lane highways with broken
lines are the most dangerous roads.
Seventy percent of accidents
occur over the speed limit.
You're going 35 in a
Most studies have a plus or minus 10% error.
I'm correcting for that.
- What is this?
- The Piano Man.
He rocks. He's a musical genius.
It's been proven that
soft music reduces stress.
- Lost your crazy mind.
- Too hard-core for you?
Fuck.
What's so unusual about
this life insurance claim...
that we're driving all the way to Nevada?
There's no body. No leads.
Except for one unusual piece of evidence.
Forget it. Got nothin'.
No wreckage.
How far do the skid marks extend?
Uh, 2.8 miles.
No. You didn't look far enough.
Listen, buddy, it's over.
We've got a million-dollar life
insurance claim and no body.
How do you explain these?
You know what? It's not my
job to, unless there's a body.
Didn't you stop to think something
leaving a 2.8 mile skid mark...
was going inexplicably fast?
Listen, we searched a hundred-yard radius...
on both sides of the skids and found nothing.
No. I mean really fast.
There's metal in the skid
marks melted to the pavement.
From what?
Melted wheels.
When a man oflimited means...
has a million-dollar life insurance
policy, it raises questions.
Foul play by the beneficiary
must always be considered.
Suicide, if proven, is cause for cancellation.
You like her, don't you?
That's a bullshit question.
Now why is it a bullshit question?
You see, your whole "film school"
objective observer theory is bullshit.
You're trying to get me to say certain
things to create some kind of story.
Hey, it's all real footage, man.
No. It's the 90 minutes of footage you're
gonna choose from hundreds of hours of tape.
Then you're gonna edit it to make
someone look like the bad guy...
or someone look like the hero.
The only problem is, there are no heroes here.
Ow!
Harvey! Will you cut that racket out?
In many ways, Harvey was
a model X-factor candidate.
He had the classic
second-child personalities.
Stan, do you ever get the feeling
there's a whole other world out there?
What? Like Europe?
On the surface, a second
child is a responsible citizen.
Premium, right?
No. Mid-grade's fine. Thanks.
This has got fuel injection.
You want it to run clean.
Just mid-grade.
But boiling just below the
exterior of the second child...
is a competitive risk
taker who craves attention.
Been working on my own car a bit.
She ain't much, but she's
got a hell of a lot of torque.
Keep the change.
Oh, faster!
You can go faster, baby.
Oh, as fast as you can. Come on.
Oh! Go as fast as you can, please?
No, faster! You can go faster, baby, please?
All right, I'll go as fast as I can.
- That's it.
- What's it?
One of the largest safety risks...
is the unregulated sale of military surplus.
Whoa. Whoa.
Man. Huh. You guys are mad at somebody.
Hey, Harvey, grenades.
Oh, I wouldn't touch that if I was you.
- Why? Is it live?
- Legally, we can't give you an answer to that question.
- That's pretty cool.
- How many of these do you have?
Well, how many do you need?
Hey, Harvey. Look at that.
Am I good? Or am I bad?
I don't know. Somewhere in between, probably.
- What the hell is that?
- Ain't for sale.
- Not for sale?
- Barry, you know I've been saving that thing.
- For what?
- I don't know.
- How much?
- I got that from one of those boys on the military base.
What in God's name you wanna
do with that thing, Harvey?
Joleen, are you proud of me?
Like on TV, when you see
someone do something incredible.
Think I could be someone like that?
I don't know. I've never met
anybody incredible before.
Stan, this is your station.
I'm gonna go a mile back up the road.
Well, how can I film it?
Don't worry. I'll be
coming by in no time at all.
As soon as you hear the
ignition, start filming.
Okay. Harvey, you know, if we film
this we're not gonna get in trouble?
- 'Cause I'm on that probation.
- No, Stan.
We're not gonna be in
trouble. We're gonna be on TV.
Okay.
Harvey, you're not gonna
get yourself hurt, right?
Nah, don't worry. I'm not
gonna let anything happen.
Harvey. Am I good, or am I bad?
You're just a little bit bad.
But what's wrong with that?
- The JATO rocket is designed to add thrust...
- Careful.
...to overloaded transport planes like C-130s...
which, fully loaded, weigh
in excess of 200 tons.
Harvey's Chevy weighed less than two.
Harvey accelerated to 50 miles per hour
before he began the ignition sequence.
The first two switches mixed the fluids.
Once mixed, they become one of the
most potent rocket fuels on earth...
unleashing a force beyond the
imagination of Harvey Wedstone.
Okay. Harvey should be
here in about five minutes.
I'm not sure if this is gonna work.
By the time Harvey hit the brakes...
the car was already going 250 miles per hour.
Then the peak burn hit.
Oh, my God!
Harvey managed to pull the parking brake.
This would have been of no use...
because at 300 miles per
hour the tires melted.
Tellis Pearlman saw his fate coming
from the east at 400 miles per hour.
Forces usually reserved for wind tunnel
tests were now ripping the car apart.
The more I learn about this man,
the more I feel a strange admiration.
Harvey made a brave decision.
With three seconds ofburn left, Harvey
veered out of the Pearlmans'way...
hitting the sloped shoulder.
The trajectory sent Harvey
to an apex of 300 feet.
I did it! I fucking did something!
What happened?
Nothing. I fell asleep at the wheel.
Kids, kids. Quiet.
Your father's lost his mind again.
Two days later, Pearlman
reported to the air force...
a U.F.O. that came and
went in the blink of an eye.
Mama!
- Stan, reverting to his criminal instincts, ran.
- Mama!
Okay, well, um, it was coming toward...
It was like a flashlight,
and there was an explosion.
It was going about 3,000 miles an hour.
- 3,000 miles an hour?
- At least 3,400 miles.
Very fast.
Mr. Pearlman, could it
have been your imagination?
He has no imagination! He's completely insane.
He ordered 22 cases of paper towels.
Had them shipped to the house.
And you don't have a history of narcotics.
It happened. I was driving
with my family in the car.
I had my children in the
back, and it happened.
One more second and we would
have just been in an accident.
Siri, he saved the Pearlmans'lives.
He's actually kind of a hero.
What? Listen.
Two years ago in Louisiana...
a single mother and her three
kids lost their house in a flood.
I had to look her in the
eyes and deny that claim.
I am sure as hell not gonna
give a million dollars...
to some idiot who strapped a JATO
rocket to the back of his Chevy.
Look at the trajectory. He was home free.
The rocket was burned out, then he swerved.
- The claim is rejected.
- What?
Man, you are losing it. We've
got, like, 20 minutes. Come on.
Jesus.
Don't you have to go back
to school at some point?
- This is my thesis project. I can take as long as I want.
- Great.
Could you be any louder and more obnoxious?
"You can't beat me, but
keep fishing for clues."
God, don't you ever stop?
If I don't meet this deadline...
my life, the one I was planning for, is over.
It's just that it's always
steamed vegetables...
and safety belts with you.
Doing the right thing.
It's like you're... you're
punching a clock 24-7.
Well, the world's a dangerous place 24-7...
and if you're weak or you make a mistake
at a wrong moment, somebody gets hurt.
Somebody maybe even dies.
And it doesn't help when someone won't
make a lousy cell phone call for you...
at a critical moment.
Burrows. So what is it? You
want us all to live to be 100?
Sure. Why not? I'd love to live to 100.
Even if it meant giving up everything
and basically having no life at all?
I think I got a pretty
good life, actually, Siri.
What am I giving up? Uh, hot
dogs? Cigarettes? Explosives?
You know what I mean. Come on.
Mmm!
See the girl behind the counter?
Tell her I'm your fiance, and I
just broke it off. Broke your heart.
Then ask her for a drink
when she gets off work.
Um, you know, a shoulder to
cry on, that type of thing.
Now, when she says yes, play track
two off Wilco's Summer Teeth album.
It's in the car.
I have no intention of, um...
And even if I did, I certainly
wouldn't use Wilco. Wilco?
You don't deserve Wilco. Just trust me.
Look at her. She's
totally small-town America.
She's probably desperate.
If you have any kind of pulse, you'll do it.
It's over! We're through!
You even begin to follow me over there,
and that's it, this is over. Got it?
Yeah, good.
Here...
Did she say yes?
Her name's Zoe. Meeting her at 11:00.
What do you think of when you hear
the phrase, "You can't beat me?"
Um, sex?
Damn.
Death trap.
Always be prepared.
Oh, yeah.
Goddamn!
God! Thank you, Jesus.
Oh, God! Jesus!
If you have a soul, you will help me.
You know how war photographers can't interfere
no matter what atrocity is being committed...
No!
You will burn in hell for this.
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
- Burrows?
- Help!
- Help!
- Sorry.
And I didn't even think you
knew how to have a good time!
I was just, the... It was...
I was trying to avoid the...
Let's just skip the
explanations and get you down.
Wait a minute.
You just stood there, not helping him?
Well, see, the main ethic of
documentary film prevents me from...
That's a really expensive
camera you've got there.
Yeah, actually. Kind of is. No,
please don't. No, please don't.
Let's just try to get you down.
What do you think of when you hear
the phrase, "You can't beat me?"
Please don't ask me that right now.
No, wait...
Ooh! Wait, wait, don't!
Yeah, but this is where
the knot is. I have to.
Look, I'm real flattered, but that is
not gonna help loosen anything up right now.
It's the straps.
I mean the the circulation.
Oh, boy. Okay, I got an idea. I have an idea.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.
- What?
- One, two, three!
- Ow! God!
- Are you okay there?
Hello?
- Michael?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah. He's right here.
It's your date.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Oh, hi. It's you. Yeah.
Uh, that was my business partner. We're just...
Well, she's helping me...
...making me...
- Ah! God!
- Are you okay?
Just figured something out. Ah, yeah. Yeah.
That's it!
Good. There's this Polynesian
place around the corner.
They make really big drinks, and you
can share them, and they have live music.
- It's sort of like Don Ho.
- Yeah. Listen.
I'm right in the thick of... In the
middle of something.
I think I should be with you shortly.
Yeah. Okay.
Bye.
Next time, try a bath. Have fun.
Thank you.
I give you such a perfect
song, and you blow it?
I can barely walk, much less anything else.
Last night actually explained so much.
- I have a theory.
- Really? Thank you, Dr. Freud.
No, seriously. You are so
obsessed with these Darwin cases...
that you are actually becoming one.
I think she's got a point.
No, I don't want Marcus, and
I don't want the bodyguard.
We'll be landing in 10 minutes, sir.
Christ, man, who's flying the plane?
I just put it on autopilot, ma'am.
Oh. Autopilot. Fantastic.
No. Marcus just got Carla a brand-new
international driving license...
and we're going to rough
it in the wilds of America.
The controls on the dash are...
The red button there is the cruise control.
Cruise control? What's that?
- Cruise control is... It's like autopilot.
- Oh, brilliant!
Then you have the...
You know? I think I'm really
getting the hang of this.
- My last experience at the dentist was a nightmare.
- I get that a lot.
There's no
reason to be worried.
We're a team. We're a team.
- Darling, do you want another drink?
- Magic, lovey, magic.
Magic. Yeah. I'm going to put
you on a little autopilot, lovey.
Go do your thing.
Darling...
I've got a lovely surprise for you.
That's very nice.
Who's driving the van?
It's on autopilot.
Oh, fuck.
I don't know if I made this clear enough...
but we're not going anywhere
until we get a statement.
My lawyer says because of a pending
malpractice suit, I can't make any statement.
How am I supposed to...
I'll take a written statement
from you, Mr. Harris. Thank you.
You know what this is?
This is the medical report.
It's got your dental impressions.
And, well, I mean, your wearing a diaper
makes it pretty goddamn obvious what happened.
And frankly, I don't give a shit if
you're too embarrassed to talk about it.
What my partner means to say
is, we need a moment alone.
Lesions on the base of the penis! Come on!
- Come on, what?
- She was giving him head!
And you say my theories are out there!
It's bullshit! She gave him a blow job!
You know these X-factor types of yours?
They may die young, but they
sure have more fun in the process.
Okay, I admit your theory on
that case had some probability of...
Oh, come on. It was obvious from the get-go.
No. Yesterday, 11:33 a.m,
you said it's 99.9% probable...
she was giving him a...
...giving him a...
Blow job.
You know, I still wonder if it's even
physically possible while driving...
Oh, believe me. It's possible.
You want me to show you?
Whoa! No, stop! It's all right. Okay,
I admit you're right. You're right.
That's all it took?
Christ, I thought I was gonna have to
solve the energy crisis or something...
- to ever hear you say that.
- Funny.
Oh! Hey, if we wanna make it to Tacoma
tonight we better take the interstate.
Interstate goes over a 6,000-foot pass.
It'll be ice this time of year. This road will
connect us to the state highway in no time.
All right, this cannot be the right way.
The road is actually turning to dirt.
Everything's under control.
There's a cattle grate up ahead. That
means there's ranches around here.
Ranches?
Okay, and we don't have a spare?
One. Car's also stuck in the grate.
Excellent! My fucking battery's dead.
- No signal.
- So what's the plan?
Wejust wait around here until it gets
dark and somehow our signal gets better?
You know, I take a lot of crap
from you for being prepared.
For thinking ahead. But you're
about to feel like a real idiot.
This balloon...
filament wire and helium.
See, the wire acts like a long
antenna, and I now have a signal.
Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.
Oh, it's too damp.
Fuck.
Remember a few years back,
wasn't there, like, a couple...
who ran out of gas on a desolate road...
and they didn't find their bodies until...
- That's it. There's a gas can in the car.
- Do you remember?
I got it.
- Do it. Just...
- I'm gettin' warm.
Okay.
You are one of these sorry-ass Darwin cases.
Should we move near the car for heat?
No, the embers from the tires could
ignite the gas tank at any moment.
So what that, that phrase?
"Beat me"... something?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
Written by a perp who I let get away.
Only a matter of time before
he hurts someone again.
I'm sorry about what I said before.
- It's just our car blew up, and...
- Yeah, I know. I understand.
You're right. I'm...
I'm beginning to relate to these
Darwin cases a little too well.
It happens.
I have a secret...
something I've never told anyone before.
Oh, shit. I'm out of tape! Damn it.
Oh, my God.
That's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard. I...
I have a cell phone.
And it has signal too.
- What?
- Yeah.
What? Wh-What?
I have a cell phone.
- You have a... Show you...
- No, please don't.
- Please don't.
- I could ram a spork up your ass!
Gesundheit. Or bless you. Whatever.
Thanks.
How do they do it?
What?
People with normal lives.
How do they make that happen?
You got me. Why? Is that,
like, something you hope for?
I never hope.
Too disappointing.
It's amazing.
Some people bring danger on themselves
no matter what precautions they take...
while others seem immune
to the dangers of the world.
They do everything wrong,
take no precautions...
cause death, damage to property.
Yet they still live to tell about it.
Come on, dude. Let's go!
Simon! Did you steal my pot again?
No! Relax, Mom. I'll be back by 11:30.
Get back here, you little shit!
- Hi, Mrs. Simon.
- Oh, hi, Farley. How are ya?
Let's go!
- Got the tickets?
- Getting them from Jimbo at the parking lot.
- Fuck, dude!
- Relax, man.
He'll be there. Whoo!
Metallica! Whoo!
- Metallica!
- Yeah, dude. We're here, man.
Yeah! Nice parking space, dude.
He told me he'd be here by 8:00.
He's not fuckin' comin', man.
Listen to that. Metallica's taking the stage,
and we're in the goddamn parking lot, man.
They're not comin' back for two years.
I'll probably be dead or married by then.
Hey! Hey. You wanna sell your tickets?
- No way.
- Dude, 200 bucks.
- Nah.
- Dude, 200 bucks...
killer weed.
All right, man. There's no
price on this kind of experience.
- Dude, I'll give you my van.
- Not your ride.
- I'm serious, dude.
- Where is it?
- It's right there.
- There.
- No thanks.
- Idiot!
Hey, fuck you, dude!
That van has an excellent tape deck!
Enjoy your leather pants,
you fuckin' butt-hole!
That was beautiful, man.
You're so dedicated to Metallica that
you were willing to sacrifice your ride.
Man, you lost your virginity in that van.
No, dude. I'm still a virgin.
- What about Lisa Cummings?
- I only got a hand job.
Ah, fuck.
Exactly, man. What do we got?
Our lives are shit.
So that's why it is our birthright
at the end of the workweek...
to get messed up and go
hear fucking Metallica!
Metallica! Metallica!
I'm getting you into this concert, man.
The chances of a fatal
accident increase threefold...
with a blood alcohol level of over. 20.
- Come on up, man. It's easy.
- Combined with another drug, such as marijuana...
the likelihood increases 10 times.
Come on, man. You can do it.
Use the power of the music.
Thank you.
Dude, I'm in, man! I'm in!
Aaah! Fuck! Shit!
- Dude, help me out!
- What?
- Help me, man! Help me!
- Holy shit.
Help me, man! Help me!
- Use that Popeye strength from your mama.
- Yeah!
Help me, man. Help me!
Goddamn!
Oh, shit!
- Simon!
- I'm okay!
The tree, like, caught me.
Oh, yeah. I love that part. Yeah.
All right, dude, I'm gonna get the rope.
No, man. I think I'm
pretty close to the ground.
I don't know, dude. It looks pretty far.
It's bushes, man. I can make it.
No, dude. Come on.
I'm gonna cut myself free...
and then the bushes'll catch me.
When you fall just be
loose, like stage diving.
- Right.
- And try not to fall on your head.
Hey. Can you shine that light
down again? I want to light a bone.
Dude, I'm tokin' simultaneously.
Yeah, man.
- Ah!
- Oh, shit.
Simon!
Fuck, man! You trying to kill me?
Sorry, dude. What's the situation?
I think it's pretty fucked up, man!
- These are, like, sticker bushes!
- Damn.
- Didn't fall on my head.
- Right on.
I got an idea.
I'm gonna tie the rope to the bumper of the
van. I'm gonna throw it over to you, all right?
Then I'll just ease you up, all right?
The other risk factor with
simultaneous drug use...
- is seriously impairedjudgment.
- Sounds like a plan.
- More, dude.
- You got it?
Yeah. Yeah, I got it! I got it!
Ah, fuck.
Oh, shit. Aah.
Dude!
Dude.
Listen. We stopped the music.
The boy in the van survived.
His friend was not so lucky.
Gotta make a phone call.
Fuck.
This is purely for investigative purposes.
What the hell are you doing?
Research.
Ah. Well, good to see you're holdin' up.
- Neither of them is a second child.
- So?
So that was the one solid
trait I had linking the cases.
Look, with the amount of money you're
saving Simmons and the company...
believe me, you're gonna get the job.
A new job... doesn't matter anymore.
If I'm gonna find a way
to prevent these deaths...
I have to know why they do it.
I'll tell you why.
Do you know that companies intentionally
build in mistakes to monthly bills...
hoping you won't notice, just
so they can save a few pennies?
And insurance firms,
like the one I work for...
we have a... policy...
of rejecting every claim right off the bat.
And if you call to dispute that claim...
you get put on hold.
And then you get sent through an
endless maze of voice mail menus...
until you just give up.
All these minor insults,
they build up over the years.
Finally, people just...
People just lose their shit.
And you feel...
powerless and faceless, and...
and you end up strapping a JATO
rocket to the back of your Chevy.
Let's get you some coffee.
Oh, uh, coffee, regular.
"You can't beat me."
So illiterate for a lit major.
Well, a lit major.
Maybe it's a quote.
Nah, not a quote.
Did you hear that one about the
guys ice fishing using dynamite?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, with the dog.
- Exactly. Yeah.
What about the guy who takes a
rocket and bolts it onto the car?
- Yeah. He did a thousand miles an hour.
- I heard 2,000.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- I swear.
Harvey Wedstone.
What?
He had a name, and it
was Harvey Wedstone.
And he had something you'll never have...
- an imagination.
- Un-Unstable.
How about I don't give a shit?
You will.
No!
Can you see me?
Yeah.
Where are we?
Oh, we're in my room.
Where's the numb-nuts?
- I locked him in the bathroom.
- Please let me out.
Oh, my God. Are you still high?
'Cause this stuff is kinda strong.
I don't know.
I've never been high before.
It's kinda cool.
You know, I... saw the boy's face.
And it was like I was one of them.
- I'm starting to worry about you, Burrows.
- Why?
You gotta learn
to detach from these people.
Just let them go.
- Well, I can't.
- Oh. Be careful there.
- I'm not like you.
- What do you mean?
Look at yourself, Siri.
The body of that boy in the morgue...
You acted like he was just some piece of meat.
Well, you know...
I was doing my job. That's my job.
You've been doing this for four
weeks and look what it's done to you.
You've gone from...
...from robot to rehab candidate.
Well, I've been doing it for 10 years.
And I've been doing it alone.
- Siri, I'm sorry.
- I'm just not gonna sit here like you...
and photographically
remember every single death.
I remember good things too.
On December 3, 10:45 a.m...
your arm brushed against my shoulder...
as we ate at the restaurant.
On December 13, after dinner...
your hand rested on mine for a moment...
as you got in the car.
Yesterday, at 5:45 p.m...
This is gold, baby.
Ah, shit.
Oh, it's you. How'd you get out?
- She had to take a shower.
- Oh.
I think she might be in
the restaurant actually.
Damn, she's...
- Okay, okay.
- Nice to meet you. Thank you for the coffee.
- Hey. How's it goin'?
- Good. Good.
- What's going on?
- What? Do...
Come on, Burrows.
Last night was... stress relief.
You know, we were both on edge.
A little reefer involved.
It was more than just stress relief.
Um, you know what? Don't you have, like...
less than five days to
finish your project or else...
How did you put it? "My life will be over."
Sorry.
You know, we're not the
kind of people who can...
you know, do that or have that or whatever.
You think I don't know people.
You're wrong.
That was my specialty...
Analyzing a personality, anticipating
what their ultimate mistake's gonna be.
Your father left you between
the ages of four and five.
Just old enough to have a
memory of him, but it's fuzzy.
Fuzzy enough that you can project
him onto every man you encounter.
Fear of rejection causes you to work long
hours, have a job where you move constantly.
It keeps attachments to a minimum.
Unless it's a one-night stand.
You like those 'cause you
can control the situation.
That way you can always be
the one who does the leaving.
Tell me, genius.
What is my ultimate mistake gonna be?
You'll do this pattern too long...
To the point where you can't
do anything else but be alone.
Ow. Ow! I cut myself.
You know what? I know what
your problem is, Burrows.
You're faint of heart.
Find yourself another partner, because I quit.
You okay, man?
Uh, I guess I am.
You've got to snap out of it, man. Seriously.
You guys didn't get along anyway.
- I guess.
- I'm Mike Sugerman with Bay News Channel 1.
San Francisco Police say the North
Beach killer may have struck again.
The body of a young 25-to-35-year-old
woman was found here at...
Son of a bitch!
There were no other witnesses.
Couple at the restaurant, they were...
...they were reading books.
You don't see that much anymore.
When I arrested the perp, I
was comin'out of a bookstore.
- You travel with your tapes?
- Yeah.
- All of them?
- Yeah.
Fast-forward.
Fast-forward.
Slow it down.
Freeze the frame. Zoom in.
- "Howl."
- What's "Howl"?
A famous book by one of the beat poets.
Beat poets.
"You can't beat me."
The plans have changed.
We're going to San Francisco.
Entering a crime scene or
tampering with evidence is a felony.
I don't recommend it.
Nothing's changed.
I'm here 'cause numb-nuts called me and
said you were about to do something stupid.
- Sorry.
- Manipulator. Interferer.
Why don't you just sell out
and move to Hollywood right now?
Listen, this is not your responsibility.
- Just call the police.
- They won't even let me in the station.
And this woman, she's
dead 'cause I let him go.
- You can't even go in there.
- I'll need another set of eyes.
Footprints.
Do you see any?
Um, yeah, and they're huge.
Good. Do you see any writing anywhere?
Just the menu.
Well, what does it say?
It's so obvious.
The book by Ferlinghetti.
Coney Island of the Mind.
Hey. Look what I found.
That's great.
But he was referring to
this book by Ferlinghetti...
not some tourist guide.
Well, why don't we just go talk
to this Ferlinghetti guy directly?
- That's a great idea.
- Thank you.
You don't just go talk
to Lawrence Ferlinghetti.
Well, it says right here
that he owns this bookstore.
Um, is this guy here by any chance?
No.
I think he's having a drink over at Tosca.
- Buy me this?
- Fuck off.
Sir, have you ever seen this man?
Oh, yeah. That guy.
- He was a real wannabe beat.
- What do you mean?
Well, he filled endless
notebooks with endless poems...
and nobody would publish
them, including myself.
You can imagine how the poor guy felt.
I don't think this man feels anything.
Well, as the man says, "Only
the dead are disconnected."
I remember him. He was a real asshole.
Do-Do you have, uh... Any
idea where we could find him?
I haven't seen him in years.
I do remember that he
was absolutely obsessed...
with Brautigan's Trout Fishing in America.
Fishing for clues. Of course.
When Brautigan was alive, he used
to camp outside Brautigan's office.
It was really creepy.
Are you talking about that office above
the bar just right across from City Lights?
Vesuvio's. That was the place.
That's a great book, by the way.
Okay, now it really is time to call the cops.
It's not like TV. You can't
break in without a warrant.
For the conviction to stick, we need
evidence linking him to the murder.
Yeah, but you just said we can't break in.
Remember those guys at the rock
concert? Their idea with the rope?
- Do you remember what happened to them?
- They were on drugs.
Precisely my point.
Listen, it'd be a good idea to have
some way to record the evidence.
Siri, when I see the evidence,
I'll give you a thumbs-up.
- Okay. Then I call 911.
- Shh.
Yeah.
Bingo.
What the hell are you doing?
How did you get down here?
Oh, I tied on to the other end of the rope.
That is too much weight.
Okay, maybe you're right.
Damn it! Damn right I'm right.
Are you okay? What should I do?
The rope is slipping. Go up
on the roof and secure it.
Okay.
No. No. Siri! Don't go up on the roof!
Shit!
I'm only gonna tell you this once.
Call 911 now.
Salutations.
No!
- You talked to Ferlinghetti.
- You can't!
- Don't give 'em more evidence!
- I don't think I am.
You see, I happen to remember
your peculiar frailty.
- No! Don't!
- Ow! Fucker!
Oh, the world is a beautiful
place to be born into...
if you don't much mind a few
dead minds in the higher places...
or a bomb or two now and
then in your upturned faces.
Burrows.
- Catch.
- Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Are you... Numb-nuts.
You could've just let me
fall. Why did you hold on?
Instinct.
I didn't wanna be saved, you fucking cretin.
Okay.
We shall go no more a-roving.
Is he gonna be all right?
He's got a concussion. I'm gonna
take him over to S.F. General.
Well, can we ride with him at least?
No, sorry. We got no room in the ambulance.
In fact, buddy, you're gonna have to
leave your camera here with your friends.
Well, then I'm not going.
Believe me. You are never
gonna win that argument.
Come on. Let him keep the camera.
I mean, what's the harm?
- Insurance, for one.
- Insurance? Oh. Fuck the insurance.
I didn't see anything.
All right.
Well, you got thejob if you want it.
But I never found any common
trait for the X-Factor.
Tomorrow there's gonna be another 10,000
accidents, another thousand murders...
A hundred thousand coronaries.
Burrows.
It is not your job to save the entire world.
That's impossible.
You're right. Maybe the world's
not such a dangerous place.
Oh, damn. I missed it.
- So what are you makin'?...
- Oh, it's a documentary.
- Yeah? On what?
- Uh, paramedics.
- No way. Really?
- Just keep going about your job as if I'm not here.
Just pretend I'm invisible.
Cool, man.
You need anything? You all right? You cool?
No, dude. I'm just happy to be here.
- I feel sorry for you. You don't look so hot.
- Can I ask one question?
- What the hell were you thinking?
- Hey, you know.
Sex, drugs and rock and roll, dude.
You should just focus on the sex and rock
and roll and forget about the drugs, huh?
Actually, you could probably
forget about the sex too.
Stick to rock and roll, dude.
Appreciate it.
And this next song goes out...
to a dearly departed friend, Simon.
I fucking did something!
You minimum-wage asshole!
Your father's lost his mind again.
Too much Satan for one hand.
Damn!
Oh, fuck.
I think I'm really getting
the hang of this now.
We shall go no more a-roving.
Wait...
Get away from there!
No, Max!
It's not all doughnuts and broads.
Making me...
Ah! God!
Are you okay?
Okay, maybe you're right.
Pathetic!
"Only the dead are disconnected."
Michael? Hello? Is this Michael?
Should I dress up? Were you thinking
about going to someplace that's upscale?
Because I'll have to go home
and change into something else...
because all I have is my work clothes,
and I don't wanna go someplace...
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
It doesn't really exist.
By the time I finish this sentence...
about seven people around the
world will make a huge mistake.
They call them the Darwin Awards.
In the late '70s, they started
giving out an award each year...
for the person who died
in the most idiotic way.
The idea being, these people's
actions are so moronic...
they're actually improving the gene
pool by removing themselves from it.
For instance, Trip Hansen, an ad executive...
was showing off his new penthouse office.
Oh, man. Instant fuck pad.
You lucky bastard.
That glass? Four-ply.
- Bulletproof.
- Bullshit.
All right.
What are you doing?
Walkin' the talk.
- No, no, no, no!
- He runs at the window.
You know, to prove it was shatterproof.
Holy shit!
Turns out it wasn't.
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
For me, it was the Darwin Awards.
There we are.
Okay, I guess you could say it
was actually more of an obsession.
But I just couldn't help trying to imagine...
what type of personality it would
take to meet such strange fates.
Why am I so obsessed with
analyzing personalities?
Well, that's my dayjob.
I'm a criminal profiler
for the S.F.P.D., Homicide.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Stay on
the other side of the tape.
Oh, you got it. You got it.
Behind this tape. Perfect.
That numb-nuts have
clearance to be here?
The chief said I'd been selected to be
followed around by this documentary filmmaker.
Said it would be good for P.R.
Truthfully, hejust seems
like some kid out of college.
You know, originally when
you asked about filming me...
I thought you meant a couple of hours.
It's been two days.
Just keep going about your
job as if I'm not here.
Just pretend I'm invisible.
This guy was starting to get on my nerves.
What are you eating?
- You still here?
- What were you dreaming about?
Why liquid soap?
I'm considered the best profiler on the force.
It's a talent that began back in fourth grade.
I see a couple problems with your story.
What problem?
First, you had to have been
in the liquor store alone.
Second, he was a Seventh-day Adventist...
so why would he be in the liquor store?
It's not fair we have to do recess
inside all year 'cause of you.
- Who says I did it?
- You have a problem with authority.
Miss Fong flunked you in math.
And... the wood chips on the strongbox
matches your Louisville Slugger exactly.
You tell Miss Fong, and
it's your ass, Burrows!
Fourth grade was also the beginning
of another lifelong condition.
- Hematophobia. Fainting
response to the sight ofblood.
My ability to connect the facts...
never really helped my popularity...
but at least it provided a job.
- We got plenty of Polaroids.
- These are digital.
I'm takin' a extra set. You know, for Burrows.
If that little shit wants to help
out with this investigation...
let him get his ass down
here just like everybody else.
He did. He's outside.
So...
what made you choose me
for this project anyway?
You were the only one on the
force who agreed to do it.
Oh.
Five dead in four weeks.
It seemed like a serial case,
and no one could solve it.
That meant it fell in my lap.
- Hi, Bill.
- Okay.
Give me perps under six
feet with size 14 shoes.
Check the clothing records
at Quentin and Folsom.
S.F.P.D. here. Working overtime.
Just ignore the camera.
- It's not all doughnuts and broads.
- Oh, please. Don't encourage him.
Nobody under six feet's gonna have size 14...
Whoa! Look at this.
At least 378 people do.
Those footprints were
half as deep as the others.
Guy couldn't have weighed more than 140.
- Isolate for guys with some college. Lit majors.
- Why?
Locations of the attacks...
Hughes Laundromat...
Gates Apartments, Eliot Business College...
They're all names of poets.
Here's your short lit
major cons with big feet.
I'd suggest you bring all five of'em in.
This perp's gonna be in deep hiding.
Criminology 101. Serial killers always
follow the investigation of their crime.
"Hematophobia. Debilitating
disorder, unresponsive to treatment."
Another fuckin' useless book.
You should leave. Now. Leave.
Police! Follow my command!
Move down here nice and slow.
Nice and slow. That's it.
- What is this? Cops?
- Get down on your knees!
Get on your knees! Interlace
your fingers behind your head!
- Call 911.
- I can't interfere. I have to keep filming.
- What?
- It's part of the documentary process, man.
- You have to remain an objective observer.
- You're fucking useless.
Yeah. This is Officer Burrows.
I need immediate backup on
Columbus and Kerouac. Yeah.
Am I gonna have to sign a release?
Shut the fuck up!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
"This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but a whimper."
That is the most over-quoted
poem in modern lit.
What? Did you have to memorize that
for your 11 th grade English class?
Fuck off.
Well, then.
Oh, my God.
- Turn it off. Turn it the fuck off!
- Please don't. No, please don't.
Isn't this over? I'm not a cop anymore.
- There's nothing left to film.
- A documentary is like a river.
You follow its natural course until it's...
Oh, just shut up and give
me back the apartment keys.
What are you doin'?
- If I tell you, will you go away?
- For tonight.
I'm looking at all the bills I can't pay...
Rent, Visa, electricity, insurance.
Okay, what's goin'on?
What's that?
What are you doin'? What's that?
You can't follow me.
- What did you say this was for?
- Student film.
It's also a helpful research tool.
Mr. Burrows...
First Fidelity Life and Casualty already has
the most complete profiles in the business.
Yeah, you've got risk profiles for heart
disease, cancer, even drunk driving.
But nothing for these Darwin Award types.
But you have no experience
in insurance profiles.
I was the best on the force at personality
profiles... Predicting people's behavior.
Yeah, but we already have
a full staff of actuaries...
I can tell you what kind
of underwear you're wearing.
- Excuse me?...
- Bikini-cut briefs.
Color? Probably red.
- No, make that black.
- How do you...
If that were the case, how would you...
You have pictures of your wife
on your desk, but not of children.
Bikini-cut briefs drastically
reduce a man's fertility.
Being in the insurance industry,
my guess is you're aware of this...
and your fertility restriction is by design.
Probably 'cause you're having an affair.
Given your age andjob status, there's a
But the two gifts in your
office make it a certainty.
One from Gump's, obviously for your wife...
probably bought out of guilt.
The other, from Sugarpuss on Haight Street...
which, let's just say, is not
where one shops for their wife.
According to psychological studies...
black is the color chosen by men
in midlife crisis trying to rebel...
but who, in fact, are
simply... terrified of death.
Damn.
- Could you turn the camera off, please?
- You got it.
Why...
Why should First Fidelity
care about these Darwin cases?
The cases I describe in my report cost
your company $22 million per annum.
- That's last year alone.
- Jesus.
- You said there's no profile.
- Right.
Well, we create one.
You can predict a person's
fate based on three traits.
For instance, if you weigh over 250
pounds, use bar soap rather than liquid...
and don't have a nonskid surface in
your shower, you have a 2.2% chance of...
That's worldwide.
Sad thing is, 90% of these
accidents are preventable.
Just requires a little precaution.
Get someone to study
these Darwin Award types...
find three common risk
factors, you got your profile.
Screen against this profile,
you'll save $22 million per annum.
Okay. Okay. You begin immediately...
and, um, you start with... with those.
These cases are all over the
country. See, I don't travel.
- I've never been out of San Francisco.
- Well, that's a deal-breaker.
You have four weeks to prove your theory.
If you're right, you have a job. If not...
Four weeks isn't nearly enough time.
I'm gonna pair you with a claims investigator.
And she specializes in, um, unusual cases.
Jim, you mind?
Zippy Cola is a client of First Fidelity.
They've got a potential wrongful
death suit on their hands.
You nervous?
No. Feels good to be working again.
That's a lot ofblood.
Ugh. Gross.
Could you please not... Oh, my God.
Yeah. I've got enough for now.
Has anybody checked the coins?
Who the hell's this guy?
Who the fuck is this guy?
I have everything I need. Thank you.
I just noticed his right sleeve is ripped.
Seriously. Who the fuck are you and
what the fuck is this camera doing here?
Hello? Can you look at me
when I'm talking to you?
Are you crazy?
My name is Burrows and...
Are you all right?
Of course. Just a little light-headed.
Listen.
I'm Siri Taylor. I'm the claims investigator.
And, uh, you are here only to observe.
So if you get another theory
about our client's liability...
Well, I do have a theory
regarding your client's liability.
People think motive analysis is unimaginative.
It's actually the opposite.
If you imagine all the possible scenarios...
you'll find the one most likely.
Who... is in fact... your daddy?
I am.
Come on!
Piece of shit!
You like that? Come to papa.
Come to papi.
Oh. Oh, shit.
Any second now you can go ahead
and... wipe that smile off your face.
Hello?
I'm actually originally from South Bend.
I moved here for love. I know. It's,
like, the oldest story in the book.
I needed my space, and much like you...
she, uh, wouldn't let me go.
Hey. Hey!
Hey! Hey! I'm in here!
Hey! Hello!
You minimum-wage asshole!
I'm in here! Motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
The building will be
closed till Monday morning.
Have a nice weekend.
That's great.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Guys like Emile here...
they spend their whole
lives testing the system.
Sooner or later, it's gonna catch up with 'em.
This is the way the world ends.
First of all, theories are bullshit.
"B", the legs on that machine, they failed.
So we have liability. Thirdly,
this dickhead has to go.
- It was criminal tampering.
- We only deal in hard proof.
Open up the machine. Check
the inside for his prints.
Okay. You want enough rope
to hang yourself? Fine.
One condition. You're wrong, and
you get some other investigator.
All right. All right.
But if I'm right, we investigate
my bullshit theories on these cases.
Hmm.
The deceased's prints coat
the inside of all the machines.
You on the job?
Used to be. S.F.P.D.
Also seems I've saved Zippy Cola
from a multimillion-dollar suit.
There's a non-tampering clause. See?
- Does that help Emile Travers?
- No.
But he was clearly in the wrong.
Oh, God. What the hell are you doing?
Just analyzing motivation.
Analyzing motivation.
It's simple. Greedy
bastard didn't want to pay.
Got his hand caught in the cookie jar.
It's not a question of greed.
Travers made over six figures.
He could afford cheese
crackers. He did it to win.
- To feel like he was beating the system.
- Fascinating.
So, tell me. Why are we going all
the way to fucking Minnesota...
for a simple stolen car claim?
I picked Minnesota...
- 'cause the town hasn't had a stolen car in 42 years.
- So?
So, the chances of a
brand-new car being stolen...
in a town that hasn't had a
theft in 42 years is 3,000-to-1.
Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
- I ordered steamed vegetables.
Yeah, you know, hot dish is
all we have after breakfast.
- What is that?
- A spork.
A spork.
Combination of spoon and fork.
Right.
Of course. Of course.
For an ex-cop, you're kind
of a pussy, aren't you?
I'm not used to traveling. So what?
I'm not talking about that. The cashier.
You've been checking her
out for, like, 20 minutes...
but you haven't said anything.
I don't have time to...
- I'm here to concentrate on work.
- Right.
Okay, listen, Casanova.
When we go to interview this car
claim, just let me do the talking.
All right?
Spork.
First rule of investigation:
Notice everything.
- Would you like a cookie?
- Oh, no, thank you.
Um, according to the form here, Mr. Sparrow...
it says the men took the car
from you at gunpoint, correct?
- Yeah, that's how Bob got shot.
- How completely terrifying.
Um, could you, for the record, just
repeat the description of the men?
Oh, well, they were, uh, bad guys.
They were definitely, uh,
you know, from the city there.
They weren't from around
here. I would have known 'em.
Okay, so, bad men from the city.
Thank you, Mr. Sparrow. We're done.
- We're what?
- Done.
Oh, I don't want any trouble. I just...
I want the money back for my truck, is all.
Why are you making it so complicated?
I go through a hundred cases a year.
Ninety-nine percent of them
are just plain accidents.
I mean, if he was lying...
The things, they just happen. It's fate.
I believe in behavior, not fate.
So lightning comes shooting out of the sky...
and you're gonna blame the
poor slob who got hit by it?
If he's playing golf
during a thunderstorm, yes!
God.
Well, so what if I just decided to walk
out here on the oh-so-dangerous ice.
No, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Yeah, you probably wouldn't unzip your
fly without assessing the risk first.
You know, you're being
stupid. You're not being funny.
And 20% of back injuries occur on...
Siri!
I'm coming! Shit.
You all right?
No. Yeah. I mean... It's just the fish.
Oh, Jesus. Sounds like you have a concussion.
No. No, dummy. The fish in the trees.
The fish in the...
Everywhere.
They have carbon burns on them.
In this culture, the number
There's a rise in recreational accidents
for men between the ages 40 and 42.
Probably because men of that age can afford
the recreational equipment to do the damage.
Damn.
- Goddamn.
- That's right. Goddamn.
- Uh, what's she get per gallon?
- Who gives a shit?
- Ow!
- Watch the tire.
Oh, yeah!
- Ten cylinders, fuel injected!
- Fuck you!
Okay? Fuck you for having
this truck before I did!
Yeah, fuck me is right, eh?
Sparrow had been in three vehicular accidents.
- Ready, Max?
- But other than that, his record was clean.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Max! Good boy, Max.
This lake sucks. All the ducks are gone!
- Let's get some fish.
- Yeah! Ice fishin'!
- This is gonna take an hour!
- I got a better idea.
Recreational use ofhigh explosives
is illegal in all 50 states.
But about 3,000 times a year, men
like Tom Sparrow seem to find them.
- Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I got this from Wally down at the plant.
Well, I figure instead of busting our asses...
diggin' a hole in there, we'll just use this.
Hey, shit. Be careful with that.
Relax, it's got an extra-long fuse.
Besides, I almost made
quarterback in high school.
- Jesus Christ!
- What are you doin'?
Stop fuckin' around! Throw it!
Man.
- This is what it's all about.
- I guess.
Heel, Max!
- You know, Max could get hurt.
- Heel, Max! Heel!
He's fetching! Drop it!
Drop it, Max! Drop it!
Tom, what do we do now?
Run!
Run!
- Whoa! Fuck.
- We gotta shoot!
No, Max!
- No!
- Fuck!
Oh!
Bob! It's freezing!
- Hold up! Hold up!
- One thing I've learned studying people.
Bravery and stupidity aren't
mutually exclusive traits.
In fact, you might argue
they're one and the same.
Bob! Oh! Bob!
Hey. You're zoning out again.
I want to go to the hospital.
Visit the one who was shot.
Oh, come on. Come on. We're
behind schedule already.
Besides, the case is closed.
You didn't learn anything.
Correction. We learned he had
a history of military surplus...
car accidents, and he's a second child.
Just like Emile Travers.
Hey, you just hate the fact
that the rookie solved the case.
- Hey! Who found the fish?
- You fell.
It's not like you thought, "I'm gonna
lie down and look for fish in the trees."
- You fell.
- Fine, yeah, I fell. Falling.
Something you wouldn't have thought to do...
because you're too chickenshit to
go out on the ice in the first place.
Laughing is not objective.
Before, these Darwin cases
werejust a puzzle to solve.
Now I was connecting them to names and faces.
I wasn't satisfiedjust studying
these accidents anymore.
I wanted to find a way to prevent them.
Sorry. Nurse!
Can you speed up a little bit?
Two-lane highways with broken
lines are the most dangerous roads.
Seventy percent of accidents
occur over the speed limit.
You're going 35 in a
Most studies have a plus or minus 10% error.
I'm correcting for that.
- What is this?
- The Piano Man.
He rocks. He's a musical genius.
It's been proven that
soft music reduces stress.
- Lost your crazy mind.
- Too hard-core for you?
Fuck.
What's so unusual about
this life insurance claim...
that we're driving all the way to Nevada?
There's no body. No leads.
Except for one unusual piece of evidence.
Forget it. Got nothin'.
No wreckage.
How far do the skid marks extend?
Uh, 2.8 miles.
No. You didn't look far enough.
Listen, buddy, it's over.
We've got a million-dollar life
insurance claim and no body.
How do you explain these?
You know what? It's not my
job to, unless there's a body.
Didn't you stop to think something
leaving a 2.8 mile skid mark...
was going inexplicably fast?
Listen, we searched a hundred-yard radius...
on both sides of the skids and found nothing.
No. I mean really fast.
There's metal in the skid
marks melted to the pavement.
From what?
Melted wheels.
When a man oflimited means...
has a million-dollar life insurance
policy, it raises questions.
Foul play by the beneficiary
must always be considered.
Suicide, if proven, is cause for cancellation.
You like her, don't you?
That's a bullshit question.
Now why is it a bullshit question?
You see, your whole "film school"
objective observer theory is bullshit.
You're trying to get me to say certain
things to create some kind of story.
Hey, it's all real footage, man.
No. It's the 90 minutes of footage you're
gonna choose from hundreds of hours of tape.
Then you're gonna edit it to make
someone look like the bad guy...
or someone look like the hero.
The only problem is, there are no heroes here.
Ow!
Harvey! Will you cut that racket out?
In many ways, Harvey was
a model X-factor candidate.
He had the classic
second-child personalities.
Stan, do you ever get the feeling
there's a whole other world out there?
What? Like Europe?
On the surface, a second
child is a responsible citizen.
Premium, right?
No. Mid-grade's fine. Thanks.
This has got fuel injection.
You want it to run clean.
Just mid-grade.
But boiling just below the
exterior of the second child...
is a competitive risk
taker who craves attention.
Been working on my own car a bit.
She ain't much, but she's
got a hell of a lot of torque.
Keep the change.
Oh, faster!
You can go faster, baby.
Oh, as fast as you can. Come on.
Oh! Go as fast as you can, please?
No, faster! You can go faster, baby, please?
All right, I'll go as fast as I can.
- That's it.
- What's it?
One of the largest safety risks...
is the unregulated sale of military surplus.
Whoa. Whoa.
Man. Huh. You guys are mad at somebody.
Hey, Harvey, grenades.
Oh, I wouldn't touch that if I was you.
- Why? Is it live?
- Legally, we can't give you an answer to that question.
- That's pretty cool.
- How many of these do you have?
Well, how many do you need?
Hey, Harvey. Look at that.
Am I good? Or am I bad?
I don't know. Somewhere in between, probably.
- What the hell is that?
- Ain't for sale.
- Not for sale?
- Barry, you know I've been saving that thing.
- For what?
- I don't know.
- How much?
- I got that from one of those boys on the military base.
What in God's name you wanna
do with that thing, Harvey?
Joleen, are you proud of me?
Like on TV, when you see
someone do something incredible.
Think I could be someone like that?
I don't know. I've never met
anybody incredible before.
Stan, this is your station.
I'm gonna go a mile back up the road.
Well, how can I film it?
Don't worry. I'll be
coming by in no time at all.
As soon as you hear the
ignition, start filming.
Okay. Harvey, you know, if we film
this we're not gonna get in trouble?
- 'Cause I'm on that probation.
- No, Stan.
We're not gonna be in
trouble. We're gonna be on TV.
Okay.
Harvey, you're not gonna
get yourself hurt, right?
Nah, don't worry. I'm not
gonna let anything happen.
Harvey. Am I good, or am I bad?
You're just a little bit bad.
But what's wrong with that?
- The JATO rocket is designed to add thrust...
- Careful.
...to overloaded transport planes like C-130s...
which, fully loaded, weigh
in excess of 200 tons.
Harvey's Chevy weighed less than two.
Harvey accelerated to 50 miles per hour
before he began the ignition sequence.
The first two switches mixed the fluids.
Once mixed, they become one of the
most potent rocket fuels on earth...
unleashing a force beyond the
imagination of Harvey Wedstone.
Okay. Harvey should be
here in about five minutes.
I'm not sure if this is gonna work.
By the time Harvey hit the brakes...
the car was already going 250 miles per hour.
Then the peak burn hit.
Oh, my God!
Harvey managed to pull the parking brake.
This would have been of no use...
because at 300 miles per
hour the tires melted.
Tellis Pearlman saw his fate coming
from the east at 400 miles per hour.
Forces usually reserved for wind tunnel
tests were now ripping the car apart.
The more I learn about this man,
the more I feel a strange admiration.
Harvey made a brave decision.
With three seconds ofburn left, Harvey
veered out of the Pearlmans'way...
hitting the sloped shoulder.
The trajectory sent Harvey
to an apex of 300 feet.
I did it! I fucking did something!
What happened?
Nothing. I fell asleep at the wheel.
Kids, kids. Quiet.
Your father's lost his mind again.
Two days later, Pearlman
reported to the air force...
a U.F.O. that came and
went in the blink of an eye.
Mama!
- Stan, reverting to his criminal instincts, ran.
- Mama!
Okay, well, um, it was coming toward...
It was like a flashlight,
and there was an explosion.
It was going about 3,000 miles an hour.
- 3,000 miles an hour?
- At least 3,400 miles.
Very fast.
Mr. Pearlman, could it
have been your imagination?
He has no imagination! He's completely insane.
He ordered 22 cases of paper towels.
Had them shipped to the house.
And you don't have a history of narcotics.
It happened. I was driving
with my family in the car.
I had my children in the
back, and it happened.
One more second and we would
have just been in an accident.
Siri, he saved the Pearlmans'lives.
He's actually kind of a hero.
What? Listen.
Two years ago in Louisiana...
a single mother and her three
kids lost their house in a flood.
I had to look her in the
eyes and deny that claim.
I am sure as hell not gonna
give a million dollars...
to some idiot who strapped a JATO
rocket to the back of his Chevy.
Look at the trajectory. He was home free.
The rocket was burned out, then he swerved.
- The claim is rejected.
- What?
Man, you are losing it. We've
got, like, 20 minutes. Come on.
Jesus.
Don't you have to go back
to school at some point?
- This is my thesis project. I can take as long as I want.
- Great.
Could you be any louder and more obnoxious?
"You can't beat me, but
keep fishing for clues."
God, don't you ever stop?
If I don't meet this deadline...
my life, the one I was planning for, is over.
It's just that it's always
steamed vegetables...
and safety belts with you.
Doing the right thing.
It's like you're... you're
punching a clock 24-7.
Well, the world's a dangerous place 24-7...
and if you're weak or you make a mistake
at a wrong moment, somebody gets hurt.
Somebody maybe even dies.
And it doesn't help when someone won't
make a lousy cell phone call for you...
at a critical moment.
Burrows. So what is it? You
want us all to live to be 100?
Sure. Why not? I'd love to live to 100.
Even if it meant giving up everything
and basically having no life at all?
I think I got a pretty
good life, actually, Siri.
What am I giving up? Uh, hot
dogs? Cigarettes? Explosives?
You know what I mean. Come on.
Mmm!
See the girl behind the counter?
Tell her I'm your fiance, and I
just broke it off. Broke your heart.
Then ask her for a drink
when she gets off work.
Um, you know, a shoulder to
cry on, that type of thing.
Now, when she says yes, play track
two off Wilco's Summer Teeth album.
It's in the car.
I have no intention of, um...
And even if I did, I certainly
wouldn't use Wilco. Wilco?
You don't deserve Wilco. Just trust me.
Look at her. She's
totally small-town America.
She's probably desperate.
If you have any kind of pulse, you'll do it.
It's over! We're through!
You even begin to follow me over there,
and that's it, this is over. Got it?
Yeah, good.
Here...
Did she say yes?
Her name's Zoe. Meeting her at 11:00.
What do you think of when you hear
the phrase, "You can't beat me?"
Um, sex?
Damn.
Death trap.
Always be prepared.
Oh, yeah.
Goddamn!
God! Thank you, Jesus.
Oh, God! Jesus!
If you have a soul, you will help me.
You know how war photographers can't interfere
no matter what atrocity is being committed...
No!
You will burn in hell for this.
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
- Burrows?
- Help!
- Help!
- Sorry.
And I didn't even think you
knew how to have a good time!
I was just, the... It was...
I was trying to avoid the...
Let's just skip the
explanations and get you down.
Wait a minute.
You just stood there, not helping him?
Well, see, the main ethic of
documentary film prevents me from...
That's a really expensive
camera you've got there.
Yeah, actually. Kind of is. No,
please don't. No, please don't.
Let's just try to get you down.
What do you think of when you hear
the phrase, "You can't beat me?"
Please don't ask me that right now.
No, wait...
Ooh! Wait, wait, don't!
Yeah, but this is where
the knot is. I have to.
Look, I'm real flattered, but that is
not gonna help loosen anything up right now.
It's the straps.
I mean the the circulation.
Oh, boy. Okay, I got an idea. I have an idea.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.
- What?
- One, two, three!
- Ow! God!
- Are you okay there?
Hello?
- Michael?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah. He's right here.
It's your date.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Oh, hi. It's you. Yeah.
Uh, that was my business partner. We're just...
Well, she's helping me...
...making me...
- Ah! God!
- Are you okay?
Just figured something out. Ah, yeah. Yeah.
That's it!
Good. There's this Polynesian
place around the corner.
They make really big drinks, and you
can share them, and they have live music.
- It's sort of like Don Ho.
- Yeah. Listen.
I'm right in the thick of... In the
middle of something.
I think I should be with you shortly.
Yeah. Okay.
Bye.
Next time, try a bath. Have fun.
Thank you.
I give you such a perfect
song, and you blow it?
I can barely walk, much less anything else.
Last night actually explained so much.
- I have a theory.
- Really? Thank you, Dr. Freud.
No, seriously. You are so
obsessed with these Darwin cases...
that you are actually becoming one.
I think she's got a point.
No, I don't want Marcus, and
I don't want the bodyguard.
We'll be landing in 10 minutes, sir.
Christ, man, who's flying the plane?
I just put it on autopilot, ma'am.
Oh. Autopilot. Fantastic.
No. Marcus just got Carla a brand-new
international driving license...
and we're going to rough
it in the wilds of America.
The controls on the dash are...
The red button there is the cruise control.
Cruise control? What's that?
- Cruise control is... It's like autopilot.
- Oh, brilliant!
Then you have the...
You know? I think I'm really
getting the hang of this.
- My last experience at the dentist was a nightmare.
- I get that a lot.
There's no
reason to be worried.
We're a team. We're a team.
- Darling, do you want another drink?
- Magic, lovey, magic.
Magic. Yeah. I'm going to put
you on a little autopilot, lovey.
Go do your thing.
Darling...
I've got a lovely surprise for you.
That's very nice.
Who's driving the van?
It's on autopilot.
Oh, fuck.
I don't know if I made this clear enough...
but we're not going anywhere
until we get a statement.
My lawyer says because of a pending
malpractice suit, I can't make any statement.
How am I supposed to...
I'll take a written statement
from you, Mr. Harris. Thank you.
You know what this is?
This is the medical report.
It's got your dental impressions.
And, well, I mean, your wearing a diaper
makes it pretty goddamn obvious what happened.
And frankly, I don't give a shit if
you're too embarrassed to talk about it.
What my partner means to say
is, we need a moment alone.
Lesions on the base of the penis! Come on!
- Come on, what?
- She was giving him head!
And you say my theories are out there!
It's bullshit! She gave him a blow job!
You know these X-factor types of yours?
They may die young, but they
sure have more fun in the process.
Okay, I admit your theory on
that case had some probability of...
Oh, come on. It was obvious from the get-go.
No. Yesterday, 11:33 a.m,
you said it's 99.9% probable...
she was giving him a...
...giving him a...
Blow job.
You know, I still wonder if it's even
physically possible while driving...
Oh, believe me. It's possible.
You want me to show you?
Whoa! No, stop! It's all right. Okay,
I admit you're right. You're right.
That's all it took?
Christ, I thought I was gonna have to
solve the energy crisis or something...
- to ever hear you say that.
- Funny.
Oh! Hey, if we wanna make it to Tacoma
tonight we better take the interstate.
Interstate goes over a 6,000-foot pass.
It'll be ice this time of year. This road will
connect us to the state highway in no time.
All right, this cannot be the right way.
The road is actually turning to dirt.
Everything's under control.
There's a cattle grate up ahead. That
means there's ranches around here.
Ranches?
Okay, and we don't have a spare?
One. Car's also stuck in the grate.
Excellent! My fucking battery's dead.
- No signal.
- So what's the plan?
Wejust wait around here until it gets
dark and somehow our signal gets better?
You know, I take a lot of crap
from you for being prepared.
For thinking ahead. But you're
about to feel like a real idiot.
This balloon...
filament wire and helium.
See, the wire acts like a long
antenna, and I now have a signal.
Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.
Oh, it's too damp.
Fuck.
Remember a few years back,
wasn't there, like, a couple...
who ran out of gas on a desolate road...
and they didn't find their bodies until...
- That's it. There's a gas can in the car.
- Do you remember?
I got it.
- Do it. Just...
- I'm gettin' warm.
Okay.
You are one of these sorry-ass Darwin cases.
Should we move near the car for heat?
No, the embers from the tires could
ignite the gas tank at any moment.
So what that, that phrase?
"Beat me"... something?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
Written by a perp who I let get away.
Only a matter of time before
he hurts someone again.
I'm sorry about what I said before.
- It's just our car blew up, and...
- Yeah, I know. I understand.
You're right. I'm...
I'm beginning to relate to these
Darwin cases a little too well.
It happens.
I have a secret...
something I've never told anyone before.
Oh, shit. I'm out of tape! Damn it.
Oh, my God.
That's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard. I...
I have a cell phone.
And it has signal too.
- What?
- Yeah.
What? Wh-What?
I have a cell phone.
- You have a... Show you...
- No, please don't.
- Please don't.
- I could ram a spork up your ass!
Gesundheit. Or bless you. Whatever.
Thanks.
How do they do it?
What?
People with normal lives.
How do they make that happen?
You got me. Why? Is that,
like, something you hope for?
I never hope.
Too disappointing.
It's amazing.
Some people bring danger on themselves
no matter what precautions they take...
while others seem immune
to the dangers of the world.
They do everything wrong,
take no precautions...
cause death, damage to property.
Yet they still live to tell about it.
Come on, dude. Let's go!
Simon! Did you steal my pot again?
No! Relax, Mom. I'll be back by 11:30.
Get back here, you little shit!
- Hi, Mrs. Simon.
- Oh, hi, Farley. How are ya?
Let's go!
- Got the tickets?
- Getting them from Jimbo at the parking lot.
- Fuck, dude!
- Relax, man.
He'll be there. Whoo!
Metallica! Whoo!
- Metallica!
- Yeah, dude. We're here, man.
Yeah! Nice parking space, dude.
He told me he'd be here by 8:00.
He's not fuckin' comin', man.
Listen to that. Metallica's taking the stage,
and we're in the goddamn parking lot, man.
They're not comin' back for two years.
I'll probably be dead or married by then.
Hey! Hey. You wanna sell your tickets?
- No way.
- Dude, 200 bucks.
- Nah.
- Dude, 200 bucks...
killer weed.
All right, man. There's no
price on this kind of experience.
- Dude, I'll give you my van.
- Not your ride.
- I'm serious, dude.
- Where is it?
- It's right there.
- There.
- No thanks.
- Idiot!
Hey, fuck you, dude!
That van has an excellent tape deck!
Enjoy your leather pants,
you fuckin' butt-hole!
That was beautiful, man.
You're so dedicated to Metallica that
you were willing to sacrifice your ride.
Man, you lost your virginity in that van.
No, dude. I'm still a virgin.
- What about Lisa Cummings?
- I only got a hand job.
Ah, fuck.
Exactly, man. What do we got?
Our lives are shit.
So that's why it is our birthright
at the end of the workweek...
to get messed up and go
hear fucking Metallica!
Metallica! Metallica!
I'm getting you into this concert, man.
The chances of a fatal
accident increase threefold...
with a blood alcohol level of over. 20.
- Come on up, man. It's easy.
- Combined with another drug, such as marijuana...
the likelihood increases 10 times.
Come on, man. You can do it.
Use the power of the music.
Thank you.
Dude, I'm in, man! I'm in!
Aaah! Fuck! Shit!
- Dude, help me out!
- What?
- Help me, man! Help me!
- Holy shit.
Help me, man! Help me!
- Use that Popeye strength from your mama.
- Yeah!
Help me, man. Help me!
Goddamn!
Oh, shit!
- Simon!
- I'm okay!
The tree, like, caught me.
Oh, yeah. I love that part. Yeah.
All right, dude, I'm gonna get the rope.
No, man. I think I'm
pretty close to the ground.
I don't know, dude. It looks pretty far.
It's bushes, man. I can make it.
No, dude. Come on.
I'm gonna cut myself free...
and then the bushes'll catch me.
When you fall just be
loose, like stage diving.
- Right.
- And try not to fall on your head.
Hey. Can you shine that light
down again? I want to light a bone.
Dude, I'm tokin' simultaneously.
Yeah, man.
- Ah!
- Oh, shit.
Simon!
Fuck, man! You trying to kill me?
Sorry, dude. What's the situation?
I think it's pretty fucked up, man!
- These are, like, sticker bushes!
- Damn.
- Didn't fall on my head.
- Right on.
I got an idea.
I'm gonna tie the rope to the bumper of the
van. I'm gonna throw it over to you, all right?
Then I'll just ease you up, all right?
The other risk factor with
simultaneous drug use...
- is seriously impairedjudgment.
- Sounds like a plan.
- More, dude.
- You got it?
Yeah. Yeah, I got it! I got it!
Ah, fuck.
Oh, shit. Aah.
Dude!
Dude.
Listen. We stopped the music.
The boy in the van survived.
His friend was not so lucky.
Gotta make a phone call.
Fuck.
This is purely for investigative purposes.
What the hell are you doing?
Research.
Ah. Well, good to see you're holdin' up.
- Neither of them is a second child.
- So?
So that was the one solid
trait I had linking the cases.
Look, with the amount of money you're
saving Simmons and the company...
believe me, you're gonna get the job.
A new job... doesn't matter anymore.
If I'm gonna find a way
to prevent these deaths...
I have to know why they do it.
I'll tell you why.
Do you know that companies intentionally
build in mistakes to monthly bills...
hoping you won't notice, just
so they can save a few pennies?
And insurance firms,
like the one I work for...
we have a... policy...
of rejecting every claim right off the bat.
And if you call to dispute that claim...
you get put on hold.
And then you get sent through an
endless maze of voice mail menus...
until you just give up.
All these minor insults,
they build up over the years.
Finally, people just...
People just lose their shit.
And you feel...
powerless and faceless, and...
and you end up strapping a JATO
rocket to the back of your Chevy.
Let's get you some coffee.
Oh, uh, coffee, regular.
"You can't beat me."
So illiterate for a lit major.
Well, a lit major.
Maybe it's a quote.
Nah, not a quote.
Did you hear that one about the
guys ice fishing using dynamite?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, with the dog.
- Exactly. Yeah.
What about the guy who takes a
rocket and bolts it onto the car?
- Yeah. He did a thousand miles an hour.
- I heard 2,000.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- I swear.
Harvey Wedstone.
What?
He had a name, and it
was Harvey Wedstone.
And he had something you'll never have...
- an imagination.
- Un-Unstable.
How about I don't give a shit?
You will.
No!
Can you see me?
Yeah.
Where are we?
Oh, we're in my room.
Where's the numb-nuts?
- I locked him in the bathroom.
- Please let me out.
Oh, my God. Are you still high?
'Cause this stuff is kinda strong.
I don't know.
I've never been high before.
It's kinda cool.
You know, I... saw the boy's face.
And it was like I was one of them.
- I'm starting to worry about you, Burrows.
- Why?
You gotta learn
to detach from these people.
Just let them go.
- Well, I can't.
- Oh. Be careful there.
- I'm not like you.
- What do you mean?
Look at yourself, Siri.
The body of that boy in the morgue...
You acted like he was just some piece of meat.
Well, you know...
I was doing my job. That's my job.
You've been doing this for four
weeks and look what it's done to you.
You've gone from...
...from robot to rehab candidate.
Well, I've been doing it for 10 years.
And I've been doing it alone.
- Siri, I'm sorry.
- I'm just not gonna sit here like you...
and photographically
remember every single death.
I remember good things too.
On December 3, 10:45 a.m...
your arm brushed against my shoulder...
as we ate at the restaurant.
On December 13, after dinner...
your hand rested on mine for a moment...
as you got in the car.
Yesterday, at 5:45 p.m...
This is gold, baby.
Ah, shit.
Oh, it's you. How'd you get out?
- She had to take a shower.
- Oh.
I think she might be in
the restaurant actually.
Damn, she's...
- Okay, okay.
- Nice to meet you. Thank you for the coffee.
- Hey. How's it goin'?
- Good. Good.
- What's going on?
- What? Do...
Come on, Burrows.
Last night was... stress relief.
You know, we were both on edge.
A little reefer involved.
It was more than just stress relief.
Um, you know what? Don't you have, like...
less than five days to
finish your project or else...
How did you put it? "My life will be over."
Sorry.
You know, we're not the
kind of people who can...
you know, do that or have that or whatever.
You think I don't know people.
You're wrong.
That was my specialty...
Analyzing a personality, anticipating
what their ultimate mistake's gonna be.
Your father left you between
the ages of four and five.
Just old enough to have a
memory of him, but it's fuzzy.
Fuzzy enough that you can project
him onto every man you encounter.
Fear of rejection causes you to work long
hours, have a job where you move constantly.
It keeps attachments to a minimum.
Unless it's a one-night stand.
You like those 'cause you
can control the situation.
That way you can always be
the one who does the leaving.
Tell me, genius.
What is my ultimate mistake gonna be?
You'll do this pattern too long...
To the point where you can't
do anything else but be alone.
Ow. Ow! I cut myself.
You know what? I know what
your problem is, Burrows.
You're faint of heart.
Find yourself another partner, because I quit.
You okay, man?
Uh, I guess I am.
You've got to snap out of it, man. Seriously.
You guys didn't get along anyway.
- I guess.
- I'm Mike Sugerman with Bay News Channel 1.
San Francisco Police say the North
Beach killer may have struck again.
The body of a young 25-to-35-year-old
woman was found here at...
Son of a bitch!
There were no other witnesses.
Couple at the restaurant, they were...
...they were reading books.
You don't see that much anymore.
When I arrested the perp, I
was comin'out of a bookstore.
- You travel with your tapes?
- Yeah.
- All of them?
- Yeah.
Fast-forward.
Fast-forward.
Slow it down.
Freeze the frame. Zoom in.
- "Howl."
- What's "Howl"?
A famous book by one of the beat poets.
Beat poets.
"You can't beat me."
The plans have changed.
We're going to San Francisco.
Entering a crime scene or
tampering with evidence is a felony.
I don't recommend it.
Nothing's changed.
I'm here 'cause numb-nuts called me and
said you were about to do something stupid.
- Sorry.
- Manipulator. Interferer.
Why don't you just sell out
and move to Hollywood right now?
Listen, this is not your responsibility.
- Just call the police.
- They won't even let me in the station.
And this woman, she's
dead 'cause I let him go.
- You can't even go in there.
- I'll need another set of eyes.
Footprints.
Do you see any?
Um, yeah, and they're huge.
Good. Do you see any writing anywhere?
Just the menu.
Well, what does it say?
It's so obvious.
The book by Ferlinghetti.
Coney Island of the Mind.
Hey. Look what I found.
That's great.
But he was referring to
this book by Ferlinghetti...
not some tourist guide.
Well, why don't we just go talk
to this Ferlinghetti guy directly?
- That's a great idea.
- Thank you.
You don't just go talk
to Lawrence Ferlinghetti.
Well, it says right here
that he owns this bookstore.
Um, is this guy here by any chance?
No.
I think he's having a drink over at Tosca.
- Buy me this?
- Fuck off.
Sir, have you ever seen this man?
Oh, yeah. That guy.
- He was a real wannabe beat.
- What do you mean?
Well, he filled endless
notebooks with endless poems...
and nobody would publish
them, including myself.
You can imagine how the poor guy felt.
I don't think this man feels anything.
Well, as the man says, "Only
the dead are disconnected."
I remember him. He was a real asshole.
Do-Do you have, uh... Any
idea where we could find him?
I haven't seen him in years.
I do remember that he
was absolutely obsessed...
with Brautigan's Trout Fishing in America.
Fishing for clues. Of course.
When Brautigan was alive, he used
to camp outside Brautigan's office.
It was really creepy.
Are you talking about that office above
the bar just right across from City Lights?
Vesuvio's. That was the place.
That's a great book, by the way.
Okay, now it really is time to call the cops.
It's not like TV. You can't
break in without a warrant.
For the conviction to stick, we need
evidence linking him to the murder.
Yeah, but you just said we can't break in.
Remember those guys at the rock
concert? Their idea with the rope?
- Do you remember what happened to them?
- They were on drugs.
Precisely my point.
Listen, it'd be a good idea to have
some way to record the evidence.
Siri, when I see the evidence,
I'll give you a thumbs-up.
- Okay. Then I call 911.
- Shh.
Yeah.
Bingo.
What the hell are you doing?
How did you get down here?
Oh, I tied on to the other end of the rope.
That is too much weight.
Okay, maybe you're right.
Damn it! Damn right I'm right.
Are you okay? What should I do?
The rope is slipping. Go up
on the roof and secure it.
Okay.
No. No. Siri! Don't go up on the roof!
Shit!
I'm only gonna tell you this once.
Call 911 now.
Salutations.
No!
- You talked to Ferlinghetti.
- You can't!
- Don't give 'em more evidence!
- I don't think I am.
You see, I happen to remember
your peculiar frailty.
- No! Don't!
- Ow! Fucker!
Oh, the world is a beautiful
place to be born into...
if you don't much mind a few
dead minds in the higher places...
or a bomb or two now and
then in your upturned faces.
Burrows.
- Catch.
- Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Are you... Numb-nuts.
You could've just let me
fall. Why did you hold on?
Instinct.
I didn't wanna be saved, you fucking cretin.
Okay.
We shall go no more a-roving.
Is he gonna be all right?
He's got a concussion. I'm gonna
take him over to S.F. General.
Well, can we ride with him at least?
No, sorry. We got no room in the ambulance.
In fact, buddy, you're gonna have to
leave your camera here with your friends.
Well, then I'm not going.
Believe me. You are never
gonna win that argument.
Come on. Let him keep the camera.
I mean, what's the harm?
- Insurance, for one.
- Insurance? Oh. Fuck the insurance.
I didn't see anything.
All right.
Well, you got thejob if you want it.
But I never found any common
trait for the X-Factor.
Tomorrow there's gonna be another 10,000
accidents, another thousand murders...
A hundred thousand coronaries.
Burrows.
It is not your job to save the entire world.
That's impossible.
You're right. Maybe the world's
not such a dangerous place.
Oh, damn. I missed it.
- So what are you makin'?...
- Oh, it's a documentary.
- Yeah? On what?
- Uh, paramedics.
- No way. Really?
- Just keep going about your job as if I'm not here.
Just pretend I'm invisible.
Cool, man.
You need anything? You all right? You cool?
No, dude. I'm just happy to be here.
- I feel sorry for you. You don't look so hot.
- Can I ask one question?
- What the hell were you thinking?
- Hey, you know.
Sex, drugs and rock and roll, dude.
You should just focus on the sex and rock
and roll and forget about the drugs, huh?
Actually, you could probably
forget about the sex too.
Stick to rock and roll, dude.
Appreciate it.
And this next song goes out...
to a dearly departed friend, Simon.
I fucking did something!
You minimum-wage asshole!
Your father's lost his mind again.
Too much Satan for one hand.
Damn!
Oh, fuck.
I think I'm really getting
the hang of this now.
We shall go no more a-roving.
Wait...
Get away from there!
No, Max!
It's not all doughnuts and broads.
Making me...
Ah! God!
Are you okay?
Okay, maybe you're right.
Pathetic!
"Only the dead are disconnected."
Michael? Hello? Is this Michael?
Should I dress up? Were you thinking
about going to someplace that's upscale?
Because I'll have to go home
and change into something else...
because all I have is my work clothes,
and I don't wanna go someplace...
Hello? Hello?
Hello?