Dash (2022) Movie Script
1
[beep]
[static]
[fanfare music]
[telephone ring]
[telephone ring]
MILLY: Sorry, I'm not here.
[beep]
WOMAN: Hey, I just wanted
to talk.
One of these days,
maybe you will, too.
[nervous laugh]
I, um, I know
you have a lot
going through your head
right now.
I think we all do.
And I know this isn't
exactly the curve ball
you were expecting--
shit, more like a cannon ball,
really,
but I just want you to know
that you're not alone.
I'm scared shitless.
I just can't stop wondering
if--
if we're doing
the right thing here, you know?
I know you said
this is for the best, but--
I just can't justify it.
I don't know.
I guess what I'm really
trying to say is,
the silver lining
to this whole mess
is that I guess
I think I love you.
KALLI: Aww!
WOMAN: So, um, yeah. I know
you're working or whatever,
but call me
when you get a chance.
Just want to make sure
we're still good for tonight.
See you soon.
[beeping]
The "L" word, huh?
Yeah. Hormones.
Hormones.
Hormones, my dick, man,
she digs ya!
This? This is hormones.
Little wobbly down there, huh?
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You don't gotta be sorry
to me, man.
My arm's cramping
like a motherfucker.
Hmm.
So you're a quitter now, huh?
I guess so.
Huh.
I'm sorry, its... I just--
I mean, do you think
she really meant that?
Or is she just
saying that because--
and I barely even know her.
I don't know, it's just...
I'm sorry.
You don't want
to hear this crap.
I just...
I just want her to be happy.
Worst case of ED
I'd ever seen.
- I don't have ED, I just...
-Emotional dependency.
Emotional dependency.
I don't know which one's worse.
Two peas in a shitty pod, huh?
Ain't the pea-pod
that's shitty, my man,
it's the roots.
Well, I've got to get back home.
Wait, wait. You're leaving?
Wh... why?
I got so much stuff
I have to do before tomorrow.
Can you please just hang?
Just for a second, please?
Just this once?
- I... I can't.
-Um, ah, how's D?
Is he ready
for the big day tomorrow?
Want to see what the little
shithead did this morning?
No!
Is that his cake for tomorrow?
Yep.
What? He ate that much?
Are you sure it wasn't Lola?
Lola was at the vet
this morning, remember?
Just... wait, check it.
- Ooh, is that--
- Puke?
Yep.
Bet yer ass it is.
A big ol' pile of puke
right in the middle of his bed.
Little fucker tried
to make his bed
on top of the pile of puke,
just to hide it.
I spent all afternoon
cleaning that shit up.
Oh! The smell.
[gags]
If I tell you something,
you promise
you won't get pissed?
It smelled a little puke-y when
you got in the car just now.
Oh, motherfucker!
And you weren't
even gonna say nothing?
I didn't want to be rude!
Come on, man! Huh!
I smell like puke,
my whole entire apartment
smells like puke.
Got my entire family
coming over tomorrow,
it's just gonna be
one giant fucking puke-fest,
with no goddamned birthday
cake! Fuck.
Mother fucking,
mother of the year.
Strange being a parent.
John says 'hi' to me the
wrong way
and I just wanna fucking
castrate him.
And this dude pukes
all over my shit.
I just can't wait to get home
and see him.
Guess that's love, huh?
Or ED. [laughs]
Oh, motherfucker! It's
on... it's on me! Fuck!
My whole fucking car's gonna
smell like fucking milk puke!
I got something.
- God damn!
- Wait one second, wait.
Fuck!
Fuckin' shit.
Here. Here, here.
It's not the most chic,
but, you know,
at least your car won't smell
like a dairy dumpster.
Heh-- I don't know
why you're cracking jokes, dude,
you still let me tug away at
that shit, smelling like this.
I'll give it a--
oh wait, I'll wash it
and I'll give it back
to you tomorrow.
Ah, yeah, don't worry about it.
Oh, uh, there's something else
I want you to have here.
Sorry I didn't have time
to wrap it.
I had to go to, like,
three stores before I fo...
This is the one
he wanted, right?
The Purple Plower?
I thought you said that--
Yeah.
Thanks.
That... he's gonna love it.
Ha.
Is this hug gonna cost me
an extra five bucks?
Hmm. [laughs]
[helicopter flies overhead]
Still want to do this?
It ain't too late, you know.
Yeah, it is.
It's about nine months too late.
- Well, then, do you got cash?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here.
[whispers] Thanks...
Oh, and uh I still want to pay--
Oh, shit!
What the hell
are you doing, man?!
- I'm sorry. Oopsie--
- No! Fuck! No!
Okay, okay, okay.
Shit, calm down, man!
And you don't have to pay me
for the... that.
No no, don't be silly.
I still--
I got it. I got it.
I normally don't do
that sort of thing,
so just accept it
before I take it back.
Look, there's-- there's other
ways of getting the money,
you know.
This is like a zero sum business
that you're fucking with.
Look, I'm in no business
to be giving advice.
Nor should anyone listen to a
goddamned thing that
I have to say,
but I will say this.
All your actions
have consequences, man.
Just because
you can't see 'em
doesn't mean that they're not
fucking shit up elsewhere.
Just like the shitty roots
to your shitty pea-pod.
Just don't fix that shit
at the roots,
it'll just... keep on spreading.
Kinda like that puke smell,
huh?
That's why I changed.
Why I gotta go.
Good luck, pal.
- See you next week?
- I hope not.
Have fun tomorrow at the--
[door slams]
[sighs]
[music]
[radio clicks on]
DJ: As we continue
to rock at KBILLY Bonanza
with another tune from Bobby
Day, only on K-B-I-L-L-Y,
the home of rock. ['Rockin'
Robin' by Bobby Day]
[phone app dings]
PATTY: Say you're sorry.
BOB: No, I will not say
I'm sorry,
because,
A.) I'm not fucking sorry,
and B.) I'm not sorry
that I'm not fucking sorry.
Ow!
and C.) you should be--
and C.) looking for Beaux?
Yeah.
And C.) you should be sorry!
Whatever. I'm over it!
Would the two of you
just stop until we get there?
Jesus! This isn't the time
or the place. Sorry about that!
You just don't get it,
do you, like...
How was I supposed to know
you got drug-tested at work?
I'm not your fucking husband.
Oh, Jesus!
Is this about the ring?
Fine. You can have mine!
Oh, is that how you feel?
Fine.
Then take mine, too!
That's just great!
Oh, you two can both
suck my ass.
If this is how the whole
arrangement is gonna go on
from now on
because a couple of rings,
you can count me out,
bunch of fucking queens!
Fine, then.
Fine!
So, ah... do you
all get drug-tested?
You heard that?
Uh, I mean, I wasn't trying to,
it's just you guys--
you guys like drugs?
Sweetie, as I was just
telling these two infants,
we live in Los Angeles...
if you don't have a drug
or alcohol problem,
you're doing it wrong.
Oh, just because I happen
to like my job, that means--
Oh, no need
to whisper now, honey,
the fat lady's belting
an encore!
Whatever, you fucking
drug addict! There!
Okay, no. Fuck this.
Could you pull over, please?
Yeah, just pull over.
Get that cardio, honey,
try not to buy any crack
on your way home!
- Please just keep driving.
- Cause you're a drug addict!
- Sorry.
- Crackhead.
- Stop being such a bitch!
- Thank you. Wait, me or him?
You, Beaux, Jesus! We're just
trying to look out for you!
Well, stop!
I'm not your fucking husband,
I'm not your child,
I'm just some guy
that both of you fuck
because you two
are bored with each other!
I can't believe
you just said that.
Mind if I say something?
Wish someone would.
I think it's pretty cool.
You know,
the whole gay marriage thing.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
next you're gonna tell us
you voted for Obama, right?
It feels like Thanksgiving
all over again.
Voting for Obama twice.
I did that.
No, no. Not that.
Like, how you two
are married and all,
but still do your thing
with him, as a couple? Is...
Did I get that right?
Eavesdrop much?
Yeah.
Yeah, by the way,
I did vote for Obama. Twice.
Oh, my God.
Okay, one more thing.
I mean, as cool as it sounds
is, like,
the open relationship thing,
is it really worth it?
With all the fighting?
We're not fighting
about that.
Oh, well, what are you
fighting about?
Listen, as much
as I appreciate
any straight white boy
being woke,
trust me,
there's still some shit
straight little ears
just can't comprehend,
nor do we care
to hear your opinion.
Don't worry. I don't deserve
to have an opinion.
Why?
[whistles]
Okay, fine. Buckle up, bitch.
This drama queen is pissed
because I gummied
just a little bit of blow
before I ate out his ass.
It is not about that!
And now he's worried
he can't pass his drug test.
I'm not mad about the drug test!
You are just not being honest.
I wouldn't have even known if
my ass wasn't completely numb!
We're not mad, Beaux. We're
just concerned about you using
again.
That's all!
Using? Says the girls who
drink G every time we go out!
Oh, stop. That is not
the same thing.
Okay, so okay,
so where's the fucking--
Wait, wait, wait, G?
I don't know what G is.
What's G?
- It's Gamma Hydroxybutyrate.
- GHB.
You know, the date rape drug?
- Yeah.
- Gays chug that shit for fun.
- Wait, what, for real?
- Yup.
But even though princess
over here flushed my entire
eight ball down the shitter
to save me, I'm the bad guy.
I'm the bad guy with no drugs
going to a fucking disco
like a diabetic going to Willy
Wonka's fucking
chocolate factory!
I know a guy, uh, if you--
Absolutely not!
He has a problem.
Shut up do you, really?
And we're trying
to work on it.
Okay. So there's the
fucking cutoff?
You girls, you girls can chug G,
snort K, take X,
along with the rest
of the fucking alphabet,
but I do a little bit of blow
and it crosses the line!
Because you lied!
It's ruining your life!
I know I'm just
a straight white dude
and you don't care
to hear my opinion,
but I gotta say being
gay sounds pretty cool.
Sweet drugs, tons of sex
with other people
while you're married, discos?
Where do I sign up?
Any Equinox is a good start.
Got news for you, sweetie.
Straight folks can do
all that stuff, too.
We just do it better.
Most of the time.
But there is one thing
we all can't do.
Say... sorry?
Well, uh, here we are.
I want to thank you guys
for chatting with me.
- Most people, they just kinda--
- Look. Look, I'm sorry. Okay?
Honest. It was the drugs.
Is it the drugs now?
- No.
- Have a good night.
This my phone?
[knock on window]
[window opens]
Hey, do you really know a guy
who can hook me up
with some blow?
Um, I uh, um--
[cell phone rings]
No. Sorry, man.
Ah. Okay. Fuck. Okay.
By the way, your car smells
like puke. Have a good night.
Thanks.
[cell phone rings]
[cell phone rings]
Okay... let's go.
[phone rings]
[whispers] Fuck.
Uh... Carly?
Yep.
Wait... where--
[blows raspberry]
So, uh, do you girls want
some-- do you want-- wait, uh...
Are you even old enough to--
never mind.
[GASPS]
Actually, do you think
you could just drop us off
at the next Starbuck's up there?
Yeah. I think there's one up
after the light up here.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah, right here is fine.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. All right.
- Thank you, thank you.
So, ah, you like drugs?
You, uh, want some blow?
How about a little nose candy?
[whispers] Whaddya think?
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
MAN: Yo, my man, it's me.
Where the hell you at?
I don't see you anywhere.
What you doin'?
Uh... I'm exactly where
you told me to pick you up.
MAN: Where the hell did I tell
you to pick me up?
6925 Hollywood Boulevard.
MAN: Where the hell's that?
Exactly where I am.
MAN: Oh, shit!
Are you at that movie
theater place
that kind of looks
like a Chinese restaurant?
Yeah.
MAN: Oh shit, man,
I'm at Michelle Pfeiffer's star!
- Okay?
- Know where that is?
No. No, I don't.
MAN: Oh shit, dude!
I think that's you right there.
Are you the dude with the DASH
sign parked in front of the
Chinese Theater,
with your four-ways on.
Fuck me, I'll be right there.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
[call ends]
- Let me get this straight--
- Are you--?
Pfeiffer's got a star
and Keaton don't?
I didn't really know that.
Now that is a crock
of fucking bullshit, dude!
I guess, but--
I heard that dude used to rip
dips like a motherfucker.
Is that true?
Keaton?
Eh, he's kinda cool, so I bet--
Yeah dude, I'm heading
your way right now.
In a DASH as we speak.
No bro, I'm off tomorrow.
No bro, I'm off tomorrow.
I go that mandatory
eval bullshit
'cause of what went down today.
Stop, man, stop! You sound
like my fucking wife, man.
Don't tell her I said that.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine, all right?
All right, sick.
Yeah, dope. Should be
there soon, man.
Later.
Fuck, man!
I probably sound like a massive
dick right about now, don't I?
You partying it up tonight?
Better fucking believe it, son.
Yeah?
You trying to keep that party
going a little longer?
I'm trying, dude.
Dead-ass tired.
Long, shitty day
at the office, my guy.
Oh, I got something
that might wake you up a bit.
Hey, you're not a cop, are ya?
How'd you guess?
Ah, good one.
Hmm?
Ah, yeah. Sorry. I didn't--
There it is. There it
fucking is, man.
- No, it's--
- It's the same fucking look
everyone gives me
when they find out.
You don't need to freak out,
dude. I'm off duty, relax.
I know. I'm not freaking out.
I just--
If anything, you should
feel more safe.
I've still got my gun
on me and shit.
Oh, yeah? Oh yeah, cool.
Shit. That's very cool.
You got any guns?
No, no.
I mean, yeah, at home I do.
Yeah, what you got?
I got a pistol, a Glock 27.
Okay, okay. Not bad.
You should carry that shit
around with you, dude.
You never fucking know
around here anymore.
Trust me.
So what's up?
You talkin' to me?
Yeah, dude. You like driving
DASH and shit late at night?
I mean, it gets
kinda lonely, but...
What are you
talking about, lonely?
You've got motherfuckers
in the back of your car-seat
all night long, man!
What you mean 'lonely,' probably
see all kinds of weird shit.
Not really.
I mean, you're a cop, right?
You probably see cooler stuff
than I do.
Yeah. Saw someone get
shot today.
That's pretty cool. Whoa.
It was a six-year-old kid.
Sorry to hear that, man.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Serve and protect though, right?
Another day after the office.
City of fucking angels, man.
You got any kids?
No, I don't.
Check this out.
I, ah, got a four-year-old
back home.
Cute little fucker, isn't he?
- He sure is, man.
- He gets that from his daddy.
Pretty sure
it's the UPS guy, man.
Nobody gets that many
Amazon packages.
The kid wanted an apple juice.
In the picture?
The kid that got shot today.
Some fucking tweaker
all hopped up on PCP.
I didn't even know that was
still a thing anymore, man.
Fucking thought someone
was breaking into his apartment.
He was in the middle
of a fucking 7-11.
You like going to work?
- Who does, man?
- I used to.
Feel like I was putting on
a fucking superhero cape
every day
I put that badge on, man.
Now I feel like
I'm putting a big old bullseye
right here on my chest.
I kiss my fucking boy every day
before I go to work, man.
Every day. But I spend
my 12-hour day with my heart
beating a million
fucking miles an hour,
just praying to God
I can do it again, dude.
Shitty feeling. You know
what's even worse than that?
Thinkin' you're the hero,
but everyone else thinks
you're the bad guy.
Everyone else thinks
you're the villain.
I mean, fuck, man.
I might as well be
Darth fucking Vader
when I put that shit on, dude.
But you know what? At least
I wear my fucking cape, man.
The scariest ones
don't wear a goddamned thing.
They fucking blend
in right with us, dude.
They hide right in plain sight.
Fuck, man. I saw your face
when I told you I was a cop.
I fucking saw it, man.
Yeah, well-- yeah.
Your butt-hole clenched
about this fucking tight.
I can feel it.
- No, why would it?
- That's what I'm saying.
You seem like a good enough
fucking guy.
Yeah.
Got nothing to
worry about, right?
But just knowing I'm a cop--
just knowing I'm a cop made
you want to kick my ass
to the curb.
You regret picking me up,
don't you?
- Oh, not at all, man.
- Oh, bull fucking shit, dude.
I can sense that shit
a mile away.
But you got random motherfuckers
hopping in the back of your car
all night long,
and you don't think twice.
You don't think
twice about that.
Dude sitting there
could be a rapist.
Dude sitting here
could be a drug dealer.
This dude could be a murderer.
You don't give a fuck.
But me, a dude
trying to stop rapists,
drug dealers and murders,
hops back here, and you just
about shit your pants.
And to be honest dude,
I think you might have.
It smells
a little wonky back here.
I mean, do you think you're
driving around nuns all night?
My fucking ass, dude.
I mean, fuck, you could be
a drug dealer, for all I know.
Yeah, mean, but just
the messed up stuff
you see on the news,
the cell phone videos
and the body cams--
And those fucking assholes
shouldn't have got the job
in the first place, dude.
They shouldn't have got
the fucking job.
But that's a broad
generalization,
don't you think,
that we're all bad?
That one group's all good,
one group's all bad?
Dude, that's the same
fucked up mentality
that got us
in this mess to begin with.
I mean, dude, John Q. Public has
no idea what it's like, dude.
They have no fucking clue.
No fucking clue what it's like
to do my job, man.
I mean, what if there was
a camera right fucking there,
watching every move
you made, huh?
You ever drive too fast?
Not use your turn signal?
Fucking high beams on?
Anything? You ever fuck up?
I mean, that's not really
the same thing, not like as--
Okay. Okay, I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
But imagine this now.
Imagine the dude
you just picked up
is all hopped up on PCP, right?
And there's a gun pointing
at your fucking head,
ready to pull that trigger
if you mess up one time.
You move too slow--
bang, you're fucking dead.
You don't use
that turn signal, bang!
You're fucking dead.
You drive too slow, too fast?
Bang, you're fucking dead.
Would you be a little tense?
Ah, yeah, I mean, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Now imagine if DASH
and the whole fucking world
wanted your head
for driving too fast,
to get that guy
out of the car, right?
Drive too slow, that guy shoots
a fucking six-year-old kid
on your watch, man.
That look you just gave me--
that's exactly why I'm afraid
to do my job, man.
And exactly why
the fucking kid died today.
But you know what? I'd take
that look a thousand times over
than seeing the look
on that kid's mom's face.
I get it, dude.
I fucking get it, I get it.
Rotten apple spoils a bunch,
I suppose.
But you know what?
There's a whole fucking or--
--a whole fucking orchard
out there.
And you know what Mr. Chapman
told me in first grade?
An apple a day keeps
the fucking doctor away, man.
You take away
all them good apples,
them doctors washing plenty
of blood off their hands.
Maybe we should wash it off
the orchard's roots first, huh?
[gagging and splashes]
Oh, my fucking God,
Jesus fucking Christ.
My wife is going
to fucking kill me, bro!
Jesus, Christ.
You got a napkin or
something, dude?
No, dude, get the fuck--
aghhh! Please.
Can I leave this for you?
No, get out of here!
[beeping]
Thanks a lot.
Yo, sorry, bro! Jesus.
No, no, no, dude! Oh, fuck man!
Get this shit--
oh, you fucking--
fucking shit, dude!
This is fucking disgusting.
Oh fuck, man! Fuck me!
Sorry, babe. Ooh, sorry, babe!
Oh, God! Oh, fuck! Ah, fuck.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Fuck.
[cell phone rings]
Ah, shit!
Ah, fuck. Aye.
Uh, Jenny?
Uh-huh.
You okay?
Allergies.
You want me to turn
the heat up?
I'm fine.
You know, Michael Keaton
doesn't have a star
on the Walk of Fame?
I prefer awkward silence.
Thanks.
Do you want some blow?
- Just kidding. I didn't--
- Yeah, I'll take a gram.
No, I'm sorry. Wait, what?
For real?
How much? A hundo?
Yeah. Yeah.
A hundred dollars, please.
Yeah. Let me just pull over,
and I'll get that for you.
Yeah.
How much did you want, again?
Just a gram.
Yeah. One sec.
You cool?
Yeah, yeah.
Almost ready here.
You got a charger?
Uh-huh.
Yo, what's the hold-up?
Ya, I... uh...
I, uh, just have to text my
boy, make sure the
price is right.
Sorry, hang in there.
I'll get this for ya. Okay.
I know, I know.
So no charger, huh.
No, I know.
Oh yeah, I'll get that
for you in a second.
Let me just-- sorry.
(nervous laugh)
Almost ready.
Here we go.
All righty, then.
What the hell is that?
Uh. The stuff's inside,
if you know what I mean.
Yo, if this is some
type of prank or something,
I don't--
No.
What is this shit.
Oh, Jesus!
Yo, I wanted a gram, man.
Oh, is it...
is it not enough?
- Enough?
- I can give you some more.
More? Is this shit even real?
Ugh, yeah, yeah.
Pure AF.
[cell phone dings]
Wait. Ah... ? Did you pool?
Oh yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to save some money.
- Do you mind if I--
- No. Do your thing.
Appreciate the honesty.
All right.
Mind if I put on some tunes?
Yeah, do your thing.
[radio]
DJ: with this little ditty
by Billy Lee Riley from 1957.
[ Red Hot (1957)
by Billy Lee Riley ]
Goodness!
[radio clicked off]
MAN: Oh thank you. No, I don't
want to get in--
WOMAN: No, I don't wanna get in.
MAN: No, I don't want to get in.
WOMAN: Get in the car!
MAN: Okay!
- Hi!
- You looking for a Karen?
We don't know
what we're doing here.
This is only, like,
our third time ever using DASH.
- Yeah, we're not from
around here. We're on vacation.
- Vacation. From Nebraska.
- Nebraska.
Isn't this exciting?!
I know, I know. We're headed
to the Chinese Theater.
- Ever been there?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, he knows where it is.
Yeah, oh, good, yeah.
When we travel, we don't like to
do the normal touristy things.
We kind of like to get out
and do our own thing.
Yeah, we like
taking in the culture.
[giggles]
Where's the map? Let's see,
we're here, and we're going
here.
I guess Pauly Shore
lives right there!
Well, we'll have to walk by.
Of course!
Now, what are all
these red spots?
Oh, that's where
the Kardashians live.
No way!
I know. Did you pack
the breath mints, like I said?
Of course, we might be
talking to these people.
I know!
Okay now, if we're here,
and here, it is a little dark--
You know what?
Could we? I just was--
Could--
Would you mind just turning
on the overhead light
real quick?
We can't really see back--
oh thank you.
- Thank you.
- That's so much better.
All right, don't touch her.
I don't want to wake her up.
Oh, ah, yeah.
I think she's high on marijuana.
-What?
- Yeah.
Oh. Fuck.
It's okay, it's California.
It's legal here.
- Ah, yeah, um--
- Oh my goodness!
- Woah!
- I'm so sorry.
Oh wow, that was fast!
Yeah.
P. F. Chang's?
- Is this the Chinese Theater?
- I thought it was the TCL?
Yeah, right here, this is it.
It looks different.
Come on, yeah,
it looks different.
- Yeah, I know.
- This is it.
I hope you guys, appreciate
it. Enjoy the city.
Welcome to LA.
Yeah. Holy fuck.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Okay.
Holy fuck. You're okay.
You're okay,
you're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay. Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.
Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck. Oh! Shit.
Oh, fuck! Uh? Oh, shit!
Oh my... shit!
Um, uh, yeah.
Oh, God! Shit, oh, fuck.
Eh, eh, fuck.
Fuck. Fucking fuck!
Fuck. Fuck.
Oh, fuck!
Holy, shit!
Oh, God, oh God, oh God.
Oh God! Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God. Holy shit.
Oh, ah-- Mmmbop, ba duba bop
Mmmbop, ba duba bop mmmbop,
Ba du bop bop. Fuck Fuck.
[sirens]
Fuck. Oh God.
Oh shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
[cell phone rings]
Fuck!
[cell phone rings]
Hey, what's happening?
WOMAN: Whoa, look at that!
He answered! Whatcha doing?
What do you mean?
WOMAN: You're supposed to
be here by now.
Ah, I'm so.. Fuck!
Yeah, yeah.
That's right. I'm on my way.
Dropping off a passenger now.
WOMAN: You're not lying,
are you?
No. Of course not! Why?
WOMAN: I don't know,
you sound... frazzled.
Like you're on drugs.
Ha, me?! Drugs?! No!
(nervous laugh)
WOMAN: Okay. Just hurry, please?
We cannot be late again.
And by that,
I mean I am fucking starving
and I really want some pizza,
but I can't eat
until after the doctor.
Oh! [cell phone rings]
You know what sounds so good,
what I've been craving
since, like, last Friday?
And by last Friday,
I mean, like, six months ago?
Sushi.
How am I supposed to believe
that this mercury thing
is like bad for a baby?
Like, I've been drinking coffee,
and everything seems fine.
You know what? Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
Being pregnant sucks.
Yeah, but, but, you're
so good at it!
WOMAN: Yeah, something's wrong.
I can tell.
What do you mean?
WOMAN: You're... talking.
Hello?
Ah, yeah, no,
I guess I'm just... nervous.
Yes.
About stuff.
WOMAN: Why are you freaking out?
I'm the one trying
to get this baby out of me.
Ya there?
Yeah, yeah. You bet.
See you soon!
WOMAN: Okay. Just let me know
when you're a few minutes away.
I'll be out. Bye.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
[phone rings]
Come on,
answer your fucking phone.
Answer your fucking phone!
YOUNG BOY: Hello?
What the fuck kind of drugs
did you sell me?
There's a dead g--
YOUNG BOY:
Whoa, you said the F-word...
Hey, D. How's it going,
little buddy?
D: Who is this?
Is your mommy home?
D: You said a bad word, mister!
I'm a good friend
of your mom's, pal.
Can I please talk to her now?
D: It's my birthday tomorrow!
Yeah, yeah, I know it's your
birthday tomorrow, little buddy.
But can I please, please, please
just talk to your mom now?
D: Say, "pretty please."
Pretty please.
D: With sugar on top.
Put your fucking mom
on the phone, you little shit!
KALLI: Give me that phone,
you little shit!
Oh hey, yeah, I know left
my cigarettes in your car.
What the fuck did you
sell me, Kalli?
KALLI: Uh-huh, nope.
Start again.
Ta fuck did you
sell me, Kalli?
KALLI: Nope.
I ain't gonna talk to you
until you calm down
and chill the fuck out!
Calm down? Calm down?
That shit you sold me
fucking killed someone!
Hello?
KALLI: You have the
wrong number.
Stop fucking with me, Kalli!
- KALLI: Are you arrested?
- No! Oh my God.
What did you fucking do man?
KALLI: Well, shit, man.
That sucks.
I don't know what to tell you.
I told you not to fuck
with that heroin shit.
What?! What?! Heroin?!
KALLI: Yeah. That's what
you wanted.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. I wanted smack.
KALLI: Ta fuck
do you think smack is?
Crack? Cocaine?
Crack cocaine!
KALLI: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sweetie, you got pure white H.
You're supposed
to re-cut it before you--
Wait, you thought
you were selling blow?
Yes!
[laughing]
Are you laughing?
Are you laughing?
Are you seriously
fucking laughing right now?
You think this is funny?
KALLI: Oh! Where did you
leave her?
- She's in my trunk!
KALLI: Did you say your trunk?
Yes! Yes, yes, she is
in my trunk.
[Laughing]
KALLI: No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I am not fucking
with you, Kalli!
KALLI: Ha! You're weird.
I've got puke to clean. Bye.
[beeping]
Wait, no, no, no, no, stop!
Fucking stupid fucking bitch.
[cell phone rings]
You fucking--I'm in some
serious shit here--
WOMAN #2:
Hey hun, sorry I didn't...
WOMAN #2: Whoa.
Everything okay?
Oh. Ha. Hey, babe. Sorry
about that. Everything's cool.
WOMAN #2: You sound
a bit... frazzled.
Uh. I'm not frazzled,
I'm just, uh, excited.
WOMAN #2: For what?
Pizza.
WOMAN #2: I thought you said
we were having Thai food?
Yes. Of course.
Yes, right, Thai.
That's what I meant.
WOMAN #2: Oh, dog shit sounds
appetizing at this point.
It's been a hell of a night.
Seriously doing
whole 30 next month, too. Ugh.
Hey, is my extra coat in there?
Mine is filthy.
I thought I left it in the back.
Can you check the trunk for me?
Ya, ya, ya.
It's in here somewhere.
WOMAN #2: I'll grab it when you
pick me up later tonight.
Are you stressed or something?
Um, no. No. Not at all. Why?
I can hear you chomping
on that damn Nicorette.
WOMAN #2: Please don't smoke.
I am so proud of you
for quitting.
[inaudible announcement]
Shit! I've gotta go.
Talk soon. Okay?
Okay, I love--
[beeping]
Fuck! Come on. Fucking Kalli.
[phone rings]
Answer your fucking phone!
(ding)
I fucking know you are! Errr!
Cocksucking motherfucker!
Aaaahhhhhhh! Fuck, Kalli!
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah.
Fuckin' A!
OPERATOR: Please leave your
message for 8--
Fuck.
Shit! Fucking shit.
Oh my... fucking shit!
Holy fuck! Oh, God.
Oh, this stupid belly.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi. How ya feeling?
- Ugh. Did you see "Jaws 2"?
- Uh. I don't know.
The movie, "Jaws 2,"
have you seen it?
Oh. Yeah, I think so. Why?
I kind of feel like that dead
beached whale
whose insides burst out.
Closest thing I can think of.
I could probably eat
that beached whale,
come to think of it.
Mm-hmm?
Which reminds me,
did you see my post?
Oh, yeah, I did. It's funny.
Maybe one of these days
it'll funny enough to "like."
Yeah.
Are you-- you got the whole
pack of gum in your mouth,
or what?
Can I get a piece?
Oh yeah, go ahead.
Sorry, it's right there.
Oh. I'm starving.
So how's work? Any weirdos?
- No, same-old, same-old.
- People are so gross.
They could be murders
or drug dealers, you know?
For real.
I listen to "Crime Junkies."
That, or they're, like,
wiping their boogers
and farting all over your seats.
No boogers or murderers yet.
I'm going to be honest,
it smells like a fart in here.
You should pay
to get this car detailed.
I wish.
I'm a little strapped
at the moment.
Got a baby to pay for.
Yeah. Well, I appreciate you.
Damn, this gum's got a kick!
I appreciate you stepping up.
Yeah, well half my fault,
right?
I'm serious.
Most guys woulda run
for the fucking hills.
I would have too, if you didn't
convince me otherwise.
- Hey, you wouldn't have.
- No, I would have.
I've had, like,
nine other late-term abortions.
Tenth would have been free.
[nervous laugh]
That was a joke.
Good-- good one.
I know you put a girl in here.
What?
In here.
This fat-ass stomach of mine.
I really think it's a girl.
Oh yeah, how do you know?
[car honk]
Partly because of some shit
I read on Pinterest.
But mostly because I don't think
it's possible for a boy
to stay in my life
for eight months.
Da duh pssshh.
Ouch. I've been around
for eight, right?
'Cause you planted
your seed in me.
No, I didn't-- I just--
Oh my God, I didn't mean
to get you all frazzled.
I'm not frazzled.
I'm ah, I'm just stressed
about, you know, yeah.
I just-- I just want everything
to go right for a change.
Yeah. I feel ya.
You know, this whole thing
didn't seem right.
[voicemail plays]
WOMAN #2: Hey, sorry
I missed you.
I just realized
we didn't decide on dinner.
Surprise me.
I trust you.
Just please,
don't pick pizza.
- I already feel so fat.
- I'm really fucking glad you
convinced me
to change my fucked up mind.
WOMAN #2: Sorry if I
seem distracted...
It's not fair to you.
This place just never stops.
Okay, call you later.
I love you.
I couldn't be happier that we
decided to let things play out.
Hey, okay, huh?
Yeah.
What did you tell me?
It's gonna be hard, but we're
doing the right thing, here.
I don't know if I'm capable
of doing the right thing.
Yeah, you are.
I'll just leave out
the part of the story
about the drunken one night
stand after the Dave Matthews
concert at The Bowl, hmm?
'Crash into Me,'
every fucking time.
You're a good dude.
At least I think you are.
[Laughs]
Fucking Dave Matthews.
He should be paying
for all of this shit.
It's like his voice
forces ovulation, or something.
You can't park here,
you have to go to those spots.
Oh. I forgot to tell you,
I can't make it
into the appointment.
I've got a scheduled ride.
Are you, fuck--
seriously? Why? Why?
Every single time
I have an appointment,
you always come up
with some excuse--
I know, I'm sorry, it's ah...
Something came up.
How am I going to get home?
Take a DASH.
No, me. Me.
I'll pick you up.
Huh. Whatever. Oh.
Forget about that voicemail
I left earlier.
Probably sounded
like a psychopath,
it's the hormones, don't worry.
Let me help you. Wait, wait--
I'll come. I can...
I'll get-- I'm coming.
[texting notification]
Can I take this?
Uh. Yeah, sure.
[texting notifications]
I gotcha. Sorry, um, good luck.
I'll see you later.
Fuck! Holy fuck! Come on.
[phone rings]
Answer your fucking phone!
KALLI: Mm-hmm?
Hey Kalli, what's happening?
KALLI: You calmed down now?
Uh-huh.
KALLI: Is there really a
dead bitch in your trunk?
Uh-huh.
KALLI: You ain't fucking
with me?
Nuh-uh.
KALLI: Fuck. Well...
[inaudible]
Yeah, I know Mommy
said the F-word,
but I'm allowed to say it.
Don't know what to tell you.
I warned you, man.
What do you mean,
you don't know what to tell me?
KALLI: I don't care...
if you turn six tomorrow.
You ain't saying it!
You got yourself in this mess.
No, you can't say the "shit"
word either.
Go to bed! Play with fire,
you gonna get burned.
No, no, Kalli! Kalli!
You can't just fucking--
KALLI: I gotta go, bye.
No, you can't just
fucking leave me like--
Fuck, you stupid fucking bitch!
You fucking ruined
my whole fucking life!
KALLI: Boy, am I glad
I didn't hang up!
Oh yeah, hey, Kalli, sorry.
Sorry about that.
KALLI: Let's get one thing
straight, pal.
I'm not your therapist, I'm not
your lover, I'm not your friend.
Your my customer. Got that?
You pay me to make you happy.
It ain't my fault that you can't
do that for yourself! Bye.
Wait, no! Wait you stupid
fucking bitch...
Yeah, you fucking stupid
fucking bitch, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Come on.
All right, fuck. You got this.
Come on. You can do this.
You've been through worse.
It's just... now you're
a murderer.
Great.
How was your night, Milly?
Oh, you know, same-old,
same-old.
Just killed a chick.
Fuck! Fuck!
You fucking killed her, man.
She's in your fucking trunk!
Fuck. She had friends.
Fuck. A family. A Mom.
A Mom, a Dad. Fuck.
A Dad.
Fuck. Fuck.
Okay. Okay, okay,
okay, calm down, calm down.
You got this.
You can do this shit.
Let's just fucking reconvene
here. Fucking... reconvene.
Where the fuck...
Where the fuck?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Where the fuck-- oh, fuck!
Fuck, fuck!
[suspenseful music]
UGH!
[click]
Fuck.
[gunshot]
Fuck. Ahhhhh, fuck.
Ahh, ahh, ahh. Fuck!
[cell phone vibrates]
[screams]
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!
Ahh! Oh! No! Fuck. Oh!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oohh. Fuck. Uh.
Oh my g... Oh fuck.
Fuck. Oh, fuck.
Come on. Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone...
Pick up the phone.
[cries]
Goddammit, fuck.
[phone] Hey, this is Emily.
Leave a message.
Call.
[phone rings]
[whispers] Pick up the phone.
Ow, shit!
Fuck.
- [phone] Hey this is Emily--
- Ah! Come on answer your
fucking phone!
[phone] The mailbox is full...
Fuck.
[phone rings]
[moans]
[cries]
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck!
Goddamnit.
[car honking]
Did...
You...
Take...
The...
Food...
Ah, fuck!
Ah, fuck!
[crash]
[sirens]
[megaphone]
Please remain in your vehicle.
Put your hands
where we can see them.
My partner's going to come
and check you out.
[laughs]
Welcome to the party, pal!
[laughter]
Fuck.
[laughter]
[knock on window]
Well, this sucks, don't it?
[laughter]
You have no idea.
Did I miss something?
Hell of a night, sir.
Okay. Can I get your license
and registration, please?
Yes, sir.
All right, here you are, sir.
Ah, texting and driving?
Busted, how did you guess?
Plowed into a cop car, dude.
It's either texting and driving
or drinking and driving.
Yeah. Uh. Sorry.
This car don't belong to you?
No sir, no. Ah.
It's my wife's.
Looks like this shitty night's
just got started then, huh?
I just found out I'm having
a baby girl. Hence the texting.
Had the same look in my eye
when I found out
I was having a daughter, too.
Congrats to you and your wife.
It's not hers.
The car?
But you just said that--
No, no. The uh...
the baby girl.
It smells a bit funky in there.
Ha. Like puke or shit?
Like gunpowder.
Carrying a firearm on you?
No, sir. I just--
I gave a ride
to an officer earlier. I can--
Hey hey, keep your hands
where I can see them, sir!
Oopsies.
Sorry about that.
Please remain
in your vehicle.
This registration expires
in about two weeks.
I'll be sure
to tell the wife.
Good news is, your wife
won't kill you tonight,
not over the car, at least.
There appears to be no damages.
Bad news is, it smells
like a frat party in there.
I'm going to ask you to take
a step outside the vehicle
so I can have a look around.
Okay.
All right, nice and slow,
please shut off your vehic--
[police radio] Reports of
shots fired at an officer on
Franklin and North Cherokee...
Any officer in the area--
Ten-four dispatch, en route.
Consider this a warning.
OFFICER: Grolemund, let's go!
[sirens]
Fuck! Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh fuck. Ow!
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh fuck. Ow!
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Owww!
Okay.
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.
Oh, fuck!
Come on!
Ahh.
Answer your phone.
[phone ringing]
[moans]
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Holy fucking shit!
EMILY: Hey, what's going on? I--
Did you take the food
from my car?
EMILY: Yeah, sorry.
You said I could take it.
Toss it. Ah? It's...
it's gone bad.
EMILY: Gone bad? It's fast food.
I don't even think
that's possible.
No, no, no, just toss it, okay?
Just toss it.
EMILY: Whoa! Okay, I will.
[inaudible intercom]
Hello?
Sorry about that.
Is, uh... is everything okay?
EMILY: Yep.
Hopefully just one more test
and I should be good to go.
You still picking me up?
Ah--
EMILY: Hello?
Yeah. You bet.
I'll see you soon.
EMILY: Cool, cool.
I hate to be a dick, but can you
pick up some pizza or something?
If not, I will just scarf down
this poison stuff, which--
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, I'll pick something up.
EMILY: You da best.
And, hey?
What's up?
We're having a baby girl.
Yeah.
We're having a baby girl.
EMILY: Okay. Gotta go.
I'll see you soon.
Okay, bye.
[beeping]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
[phone rings]
Ahhh.
[groans]
WOMAN #2: Hey, what's up?
I only got a second.
I uh... I uh... when do you
go on break?
WOMEN #2: In five minutes. Why?
What's up?
Uh. I'm in the area.
Thought I'd bring you some food.
Want to talk to you
about something.
WOMAN #2: I don't-- know,
I don't have much time now.
Do you really need
to talk about this right now?
It won't take long.
WOMAN #2: Everything okay?
Ah... Not really.
WOMAN #2: Ah, no, don't like
that answer at all.
Should I be concerned?
No, no. Not at all.
WOMAN #2: Okay, swing by.
Okay, gotta go, bye.
Okay, I--
[phone beeping]
No worries, sweetheart.
Just...
Shot a hole in my foot
and got blood all over
your new car
while I was trying
to blow my brains out!
Oh! And I'm about to ruin
your whole fucking life.
But no worries.
It's not all bad.
[phone rings]
My baby mama, she didn't eat
all my heroin, so there's that.
[phone] Yeah, yeah.
Pete's A-Pizza.
Yeah, can I order
for pickup, please?
MAN: Uh-huh.
Go ahead.
Uh, can I get a large
pepperoni pie?
MAN: Uh-huh. What kind of crust?
What the fuck kind of
question is that?
No, can I--
what do you have? Fuck?
MAN: Original, pan, deep,
stuffed.
MAN: Got this new
low-carb fuckin.
- Ah, fuck!
- MAN: Cauliflower bullshit.
Oh, shit!
- Uh, hey.
- THAI WOMAN: Wise Thai.
Can I get an order for pickup?
WOMAN: Uh-huh.
[moans]
Um, ooooh!
Yeah, sorry, can I get
a Tom Yum soup?
THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
Uh, are there any carbs in that?
[inaudible Thai chatter]
No, no fuck it.
I'll just get a spicy chicken
Pad-Thai, too.
THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
[inaudible Thai chatter]
Fuck!
- THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
- Crap! Not you.
WOMAN: That be $35.92.
Ready in ten minutes.
Yeah. No no no,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Thirty-five dollars?
THAI WOMAN: Tom Yum,
spicy chicken Pad-Thai, pho,
Pad Kra Pao Moo...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- $35.92.
Just the spicy chicken
and the Tom Yum.
THAI WOMAN: Okay, ten minutes.
Okay. Okay. Bye.
[beeping]
Ah, oh, oh! Fuck!
[cell phone rings]
What the fuck?
Oh, shit. Okay.
Okay, hello?
COP: Hey man, sorry about
the puke. I think I might have
left my--
- Snuck out a little early.
- Hi.
- Sorry.
- How's your night?
I was just running all over.
It's okay.
Whoa. Smells like something
died in here. Do you smell that?
- Um...
- It's my fucking coat.
I had a to pump
a patient's stomach today.
But you brought Thai food.
Ah, shit.
You forgot Thai food.
No, it's uh, just--
It's fine.
I'll just get something.
No, I ordered it,
we just have to go pick it up.
No really, it's fine.
I have, like, ten minutes.
That's all it'll take. Great.
Really, I have to--
I know. I know.
I know, I know.
You still seem frazzled.
I'm not frazzled, it's--
Well, it sure as hell sounded
like it on the phone earlier.
Oh.
Oh yeah, what's this news
you have to tell me?
Umm. Ah...
Aw! Did you see Audra and
Paul got engaged?
Oh my God! Finally.
Oh, yeah.
Is that what you wanted
to talk to me about?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God.
Did he break... did he cheat
on her, or something?
No. No no, that's not it.
It's just-- ooh. I-- I--
How about we wait
until you have some food in you
'cause I know how you get
when you haven't eaten.
What? What?
That is not fair.
When's the last
snack you had?
I had an RX bar.
- When?
- I don't know. Like, noon.
God, what is this? I mean, like,
you're seriously--
You've been saying
that you need to talk to me--
Let's just wait
until you get some food.
It's, like, what is it?
What is it?
You want to divorce me
or something?
Like, you're really starting
to freak me out here.
No, no, no,
that's not it at all.
It's, um, um, ah a surprise.
Yeah. I know how
much you like surprises.
I do. I love surprises.
What is it?
What? Oh my-- oh my God,
did you fix the kitchen sink?
No, I didn't have time
to do that today.
So, you keep guessing.
Ummm, okay.
Um, I know we talked
about a puppy.
I'd be excited, but, like,
maybe not the best time.
Nope. Guess again.
Okay, good.
Third time's a charm.
You can do it.
Well, we did go to that
jewelry store the other day--
Oh, so close!
You'll found out soon enough!
Be right back. Ow!
My coat.
Oh, my God. Oh.
[suspenseful music]
I fucking knew it!
Piece of shit!
Oh! Are you fucking-- ugh!
What is this? Ugh!
My coat-- destroying my car!
[trunk clicks open]
Tara, Tara, Tara! Tara!
Hey! What you doing?
Looking for my other
white work coat.
- No--
- I know I put it in here
somewhere.
What did someone steal
my white work coat?
No, no, let's get you back
to the hospital, huh?
These people are disgusting!
Looking for this, I assume?
Oh yeah, thanks.
I dropped it earlier.
Got anything you want
to tell me?
Um, not off the top of my head.
Oh, you mean-- yeah, you mean,
like, why you wanted to talk?
No, no, no. I mean, like
why the hell
there's a pack of cigarettes
in the glove box.
Oh, those aren't mine,
they're a friend's.
I mean a passenger's.
A client's.
Stop. Just stop fucking
lying to me.
No, I'm not lying to you.
Okay, okay.
I don't care, I don't care.
I just, I just want to find
my other white work coat.
It smells like puke.
I'm gonna smell
like puke the rest of the day.
I made the car smell like puke!
I'm sorry. I am really hungry.
Can I please just eat?
Please?
[text notification]
Yeah, dig in.
Okay.
Do you care if I have
a bite of your Pad Thai?
Ah, you know,
there are carbs in the Pad Thai.
Yes, thank you,
I know there's carbs in this.
I'm having a bite.
[phone ding]
What? I just got your text
saying you're on your way.
Yeah, weird. So weird.
Mmm, my God.
This is so fucking good.
I feel better.
I knew you would.
You want some?
Ooh, um, no. I'm not hungry.
It's amazing.
A little cold, but I'm good.
Mmm. Honey.
Yeah?
You picked the good place.
- I did, didn't I?
- Ah shit, pot hole. God, fuck.
There's not as much chicken
in this one. Oh, there's one.
Ow, yeah, I'm having
stomach cramps today,
So that's-- it's weird.
Want some? You hungry?
No, no.
[eating noises]
Honey, I don't have
any more time to get--
I know, I know...
Can we-- can we
please just talk?
Sure. Can we talk and I eat?
This is so weird,
but you are extremely smart.
Getting me food
and then telling me--
I don't even know what the fuck
you're going to tell me.
You tell me you killed my
parents, I don't care, whatever.
You know how much
I love you, right?
I love you too.
And you know that I'd do
anything for you, right?
Is this about Audra
and Paul's wedding?
'Cause you don't have to go.
I know they kind of suck.
No, will you please
just listen,
listen to me, for once?
Um, you remember
the Dave Matthews concert
you couldn't go to?
What? Um, no. When was that?
About eight months ago.
Did I have to cover a shift,
or something?
Uh-huh.
Um, I mean, yeah, I guess.
Kind of.
Do you remember why we moved
into a two-bedroom apartment?
You serious?
You're seriously going
to bring this up? Right now?
Every time I try to bring
it up, you change the subject.
Because it's not
a conversation
I particularly enjoy having.
Yeah, but it's a conversation
that we need to have.
Well, there's not an outcome
to this conversation
where I don't end up
looking like a selfish,
narcissistic bitch.
This is the part
where you tell me
that I'm not in fact a selfish,
narcissistic bitch.
Oh, yeah, you're not selfish
or narcissistic.
Or a bitch.
Or a bitch.
Thank you!
But we have to have
this conversation,
because we haven't finished--
Okay, okay,
do you really not think
that I don't think about
this stuff, too?
No, I know you do,
but we haven't
talked about it, so--
Okay. Okay. Let's do this.
I have aspired my entire life
to wear this white coat,
you know that.
High school, college, MCATS,
residency-- all those years.
And-- and I know, it's just
a stupid white coat to you.
But you know how much
this coat cost me--
three hundred thousand dollars
of student loan debt
and clinical FOMO.
But now that I'm wearing it,
I have to work twice as hard
just to keep it on,
or it was all for nothing!
- Tara...
- And yes, I would love
to be that girl
that lays around all day
and drinks White Claws
and eats Taco Bell, or go on
hikes in the middle of the day,
bake cute shit
on "British Bake-Off,"
or just maybe have
one hour to work out
so I don't watch
my body fade to flub.
I know, I know.
I know, but--
I want to go to Dave Matthews.
I love Dave Matthews.
Okay?
The point is, I can think
of a thousand other ways
to spend three
hundred thousand dollars.
Just listen!
I put my life on hold
to make this happen for us.
Okay? And I see that life
passing me by every single day.
But that's cool.
I signed up for that.
And I think you did, too.
Okay. I mean, okay, okay.
I want a family, I do.
I know you want a baby,
and I want a baby, too.
I want a baby, too.
So we'll figure it out, right?
Figure it out.
We'll adjust, and I'll reroute,
it's just
there's moving pieces--
The dirty things that I would do
for some Taco Bell
and a cigarette.
[whispers] Is she a
passenger? So awkward.
[whispers] She's so pretty.
What's up?
Oh, hey, um congratulations.
How far along are you?
Eight long hormonal months,
girl, but--
You look great.
I feel like a Ziploc bag
full of pudding.
We have artificial intelligence
and self-driving cars,
and literally anything
we could possibility
want to figure out at the palm
of our fucking hands,
and yet I am still
pushing this sucker out
like I'm in a freakin' manger.
But, at least we can get you
high as a kite though, right?
Shit. Are you a doctor?
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to make your job seem like it's-
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You look amazing,
better than me.
And all I have is a belly
full of Thai food, so...
Oh my God, that sounds so good.
Please, please tell me
you picked up some grub
like I asked.
Oh, my god. You're doing Food
DASH now too. That's awesome.
Um. There's Tom Yum,
if you want it.
Do you have anything
with carbs?
Because I've got
nothing to hide.
Just my Pad Thai.
[laughter]
Okay.
Um, okay.
I... I don't have cooties, so...
Girl, I don't care
if you have the Bubonic Plague.
Hell, yes! Thank you.
Can I get that fork?
Oh, um, sure.
[slurping and eating noises]
Goddamn, I just named this
baby girl of yours Pad Thai.
I've got to get back to work.
Um, it was so nice meeting you.
Mm-hmm.
No, I really,
I have to go back.
Oh, I know.
Oh, I thought you were
a passenger getting dropped.
Do you guys know each other?
Ah, yeah, I'm his--
We're just going to go
for a little ride, yeah.
Babe, this isn't funny.
I have to be back,
I am 10 minutes late--
Babe?
Yeah?
Babe?
What's up?
What's going on here?
I'm a bit confused myself.
Do you two know each other?
Um-- Ha. Yeah,
you could say that.
And you are?
She's my favorite prostitute.
[laughs]
I'm this strange man's wife.
Don't call me that in public.
We talked about that.
- Yeah.
- You doing okay?
I am a bit frazzled now.
Yeah.
So, you two know each other?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. How so?
- Um...
- Yeah.
Ha, okay. That strange man
up there put this baby in me.
So...
So, unless the two of you,
uh, met and then got married
within the last eight months,
I think we've got a pretty
big fucking problem here.
- I can explain.
- To who?
- To whom?
Tara-- I--
Oh my God, this is real.
My God, this is real!
Tara. Tara, Tara, I--
Shut the fuck up.
Just shut the fuck up?
Not a single fucking word!
For what it's worth,
I had no idea--
Yeah, that goes for you, too.
Shut up!
Okay, miss.
Listen, I'm about to kill
the man sitting next to you.
Do not put yourself
on that list, too!
- For what it's worth...
- Shut the fuck up!
- Shut the fuck up!
Take me back to work, please.
No, no, no. Tara, Tara,
we have to talk about this.
Yeah, I'd actually
like to walk from here--
No, no, no, please, no.
No one's getting out
of this car
until we talk about this
and act like adults here,
- because I have to tell...
- You want to act like adult?
Okay, fine.
I work 100 hours a week,
I own my own car.
Um, what do you besides
knock up random sluts?
- It's not about that right now.
- Excuse me! Who?
Were you going to keep this
a secret from me?
No, no.
I was going to tell you.
I had a plan--
So, how were you going
to pay for-- oh, man.
I had a plan.
Oh my God,
you were going to pay
for this bastard child
with my money!
- No, it's--
- Bastard child? Excuse me--
You can't even afford
your own car!
You know that, right?
No money, no money, and you want
to raise a child behind my back!
Oh, my God.
My God!
I would appreciate it
if you saw my side in this,
because I am carrying
this man's child, and I--
I was going to tell you, too.
I just--
Oh. Oh, you were? When?
In the fucking delivery room?
At my fucking hospital?
Ow, please!
Ow, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
I know, I know, I know.
I'm sorry! I'm driving!
I'm fucking driving!
Babe, baby, babe, babe.
Fuck you! And fuck that baby!
Oh, you're really
gonna play the fucking--
No! No!
Oh, no no, stop!
Stop it!
Oh! Will you fucking--
somebody just fucking listen
to me for a fucking change?
I spend all day every day
listening to what other people
have to tell me--
but it's my turn now!
This isn't about us.
It's about that baby,
right there.
You're going to divorce me.
You're going to get
full custody.
I understand if neither of you
ever want to talk to me again,
I get it. I get it!
But please, I know,
I know that you two will never
give me another chance.
I don't deserve one.
But let that child
just give me one.
Fuck!
[thump from trunk]
What the hell is that?
Yeah, everybody, let's get out.
Yeah, let's just--
let's get out.
What have you done to my car?
No no, probably a flat tire.
You ruin everything!
- Get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out! Get out!
- What kind of flat tire is...
Yes. No, I know, it's okay,
a flat tire is--
I'll change it real fast.
Ow! Okay, BRB! I'm sorry.
BRB! Ow. Holy fuck.
Holy fuck. I know, I hear you.
I fucking hear you. Jesus! Fuck.
( Help me! Somebody help me! )
- Calm down, calm down!
- ( Help me! )
- Okay, okay, okay!
( Someone, help! )
Stop yelling!
( Get me out! )
Fuck! Fuck! Um, ah. Shit! Ow!
( Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!)
Oh, shit!
( Someone help, please!
Please! Please!)
Hello?
Is there someone
in the trunk of the car?
- What the fuck do you think?
- Jesus Christ-- are you okay?
What the fuck do you think?
Stop asking stupid questions!
I'm not asking
stupid question, I just--
Get me the fuck out of here!
Okay. Wait, wait, wait--
Are you fucking insane?
Help!
Stop, stop, stop, please!
Stop yelling. Stop yelling!
Get me out of it!
Please! Please!
Just get me out of here!
Okay. If I let you out,
are you going to scream?
No.
If I let you out,
are you going to run away?
No.
If I let you out, are you
going to call the police?
Are you going to
call the police?
I heard what you said.
And no, I'm not going to call
the fucking police.
I just want-- I just want
to get out of here. Please!
Okay, okay.
Please!
I'm going to let you out now.
Ow! Fuck! Oh.
[cell phone rings]
Okay.
I'm going to open it now.
Oh, shit. I got you.
I got you.
Step down. Yeah. I got you.
Here you go.
- You got the door?
- Uh-huh.
Okay. Sorry.
Owww, fuck! Oh, shit! Ah!
Shit. Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah. For... for what?
Not leaving me--
Not leaving you--
are you serious?
That's what usually happens.
Basements, warehouses,
back alleys.
I've came to in
just about all of them.
Yeah, I couldn't
abandon someone like that.
This, ah, this ever happened
before?
Yeah, but always to
bright lights, like hospitals,
ambulances, flashlights.
But never-- this is the
first time I came to darkness.
Nothing.
I thought it was 'it.'
I just accepted it.
I gave up.
Now you've got a
second chance.
This is my third
second chance.
I was on my way to rehab.
When? You mean-- oh, fuck!
You're not a very good drug
dealer, are you?
How could you tell?
I'm your customer.
I'm not your friend.
Yeah, blame my ED.
Huh?
Nothing.
Scary thing, huh?
Not knowing the person
sitting in your back seat.
Scarier not knowing
the person sitting up front.
Shit.
Can you, um,
take me to the hospital?
I'm not going to say
anything, man.
No, no, no, it's not that.
It's...
I might get a VIP parking spot
at that place
by the end of tonight.
[cell phone rings]
I know this is bad timing,
but we've got to pick up
a few more.
I know.
Are you sensitive
to loud noises?
- Like music?
- Like screaming.
Eh, I don't feel much
of anything right now.
Two peas in a shitty pod,
huh?
You got any cigarettes?
Um...
Ah--
What... ? You've gotta be
fucking kidding!
Oh!
- Is she--
- Oh, God.
[inaudible yells and cries]
We have to go now!
Get in the fucking car now!
Are you okay?! Oh, my god!
Drive! Drive!
- Okay, okay. We're going.
- We're going to breathe,
- and we're going to count
to five.
- Oh, my god.
I don't want to fucking
count to five.
I want to go
to the fucking hospital!
I'm going. I'm going.
Oh, fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you!
- I'm sorry--
- Fuck Dave Matthews. Oh, my
god. Fuck you for all of this.
Where the fuck did you go?!
I just went around the corner--
You fucking left us there!
I didn't know you were going
to pop the thing
out right fucking here!
Who the fuck is this?! Did
you fucking knock her up too?!
- No!
- Watch the road. Watch the-
- Where are you going? Don't
take Melrose!
- What? Not--
- Drive! You're going the wrong.
Drive faster! Keep your eyes
on the road.
I'm going as fast as
I fucking--
Go around the car! Just go
around the car!
It doesn't matter if there's
a red light.
There is a red light,
just keep driving!
I know, I know.
I can't believe this.
I don't know what to do!
There's a fucking red light!
She's having a child
in the back seat!
I know, I know.
Just go around the cars.
It doesn't matter just drive!
- I'm going!
- You cannot do anything right!
You seriously cannot do
anything right.
I'm literally fucking driving!
- I know!
- Watch the road!
Just keep going!
I'm fucking lost!
I don't know where I'm going.
I'm lost.
And I'm sorry.
You should have said
that before. Make a right here.
- Make a right down there.
- Okay.
It's okay. We're almost
there. We're almost there.
Okay. We're almost there,
we're almost there.
It's going to be okay.
[heavy breathing]
- Okay! Okay.
- Ow.
Ah fuck. Ow.
Okay. Okay.
Sit the fuck down.
Fuck you!
Can I use your phone?
Mine's dead.
[phone rings]
Umm... can you...?
MAN: Hello?
Hey, Dad?
MAN: Jesus, Jenny, where
the hell have you been?
Where are you? I've been
trying to call you for--
I'm fine. I promise.
MAN: Well, did you make it
to the clinic?
Mm-hmm.
MAN: You're not lying this
time, are you?
Nope.
MAN: Well, best of luck,
all right?
No, but Dad, hey--
MAN: Yeah?
Hey dad, can I talk
to her, please?
Dad?
MAN: Not sure if that's a good
idea.
Dad, please! Please.
I just need to hear her voice.
MAN: Listen, it's late.
All right, all right.
All right. Give me a second.
Hey honey, come here.
YOUNG GIRL: Hello?
Hey. Hey, Booger.
YOUNG GIRL: Mommy!
- Yeah, it's Mommy.
YOUNG GIRL: Where are you?
- I'm gonna go see the doctor.
YOUNG GIRL: Are you sick again?
Yes, honey. I'm sick again.
YOUNG GIRL: When are you
coming home?
- When I get all better.
- YOUNG GIRL: When will that be?
- I don't know. I don't know.
YOUNG GIRL: I miss you, Mommy.
Grandpa smells funny.
Yeah, I know, Daddy...
Grampy, he smells funny.
YOUNG GIRL: Can you read me
a bedtime story tonight?
YOUNG GIRL: Mommy?
Not tonight, honey.
Soon, though.
YOUNG GIRL: Grandpa says I have
to brush my teeth now.
So I gotta go. Mommy,
do I have to brush my teeth?
Yeah. Yes, baby,
you have to brush your teeth.
YOUNG GIRL: Oh, man! Okay.
Bye, Mommy. I love you
soooo much.
Even when you're sick.
Here's Grandpa.
Love you too, Booger.
MAN: Listen, Jenny, we really
need to have a talk--
[beeping]
I'm going to go now.
I hope you get better.
I hope you do, too.
Guess we're kinda at
the right place to do that, huh?
[cell phone rings]
I'm here.
OPERATOR: Congratulations!
You have won!
You have been selected
for an all-inclusive--
[click]
Ugh. Fuck.
[police siren; phone rings]
COP #1: What kind of car
was it?
DRUNK COP: I don't know, man?
A black one?
[cell phone rings]
COP #2: Are you using
the, ah, Find My Phone app?
DRUNK COP: Yeah, dude,
it says it's right there.
COP #1: Are you calling it
right now?
DRUNK COP: Yep. It's ringing.
COP #2: Sh-sh-sh, you hear that?
Oh, it's right there!
Right there.
DRUNK COP: Boom-chaka-laka!
I knew it!
COP #1: Looks like this dude
had a hell of a night.
DRUNK COP: Ah, shit, is there
puke everywhere?
COP #2: Shit, man,
is that a shell casing?
- COP #1: Rob, I'm seeing
blood up here.
- DRUNK COP: Er... uh... eh...
Yeah, that was not me.
COP #2: Fuck me!
Should we call this in?
COP #1: Goddamn it, Brock,
what the fuck is this?
DRUNK COP: Hmm. I ah...
I guess there's a first time
for everything, huh, boys?
[music hit] [static]
[music build]
[record screech]
[beep]
[static]
[fanfare]
[beep]
[static]
[fanfare music]
[telephone ring]
[telephone ring]
MILLY: Sorry, I'm not here.
[beep]
WOMAN: Hey, I just wanted
to talk.
One of these days,
maybe you will, too.
[nervous laugh]
I, um, I know
you have a lot
going through your head
right now.
I think we all do.
And I know this isn't
exactly the curve ball
you were expecting--
shit, more like a cannon ball,
really,
but I just want you to know
that you're not alone.
I'm scared shitless.
I just can't stop wondering
if--
if we're doing
the right thing here, you know?
I know you said
this is for the best, but--
I just can't justify it.
I don't know.
I guess what I'm really
trying to say is,
the silver lining
to this whole mess
is that I guess
I think I love you.
KALLI: Aww!
WOMAN: So, um, yeah. I know
you're working or whatever,
but call me
when you get a chance.
Just want to make sure
we're still good for tonight.
See you soon.
[beeping]
The "L" word, huh?
Yeah. Hormones.
Hormones.
Hormones, my dick, man,
she digs ya!
This? This is hormones.
Little wobbly down there, huh?
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You don't gotta be sorry
to me, man.
My arm's cramping
like a motherfucker.
Hmm.
So you're a quitter now, huh?
I guess so.
Huh.
I'm sorry, its... I just--
I mean, do you think
she really meant that?
Or is she just
saying that because--
and I barely even know her.
I don't know, it's just...
I'm sorry.
You don't want
to hear this crap.
I just...
I just want her to be happy.
Worst case of ED
I'd ever seen.
- I don't have ED, I just...
-Emotional dependency.
Emotional dependency.
I don't know which one's worse.
Two peas in a shitty pod, huh?
Ain't the pea-pod
that's shitty, my man,
it's the roots.
Well, I've got to get back home.
Wait, wait. You're leaving?
Wh... why?
I got so much stuff
I have to do before tomorrow.
Can you please just hang?
Just for a second, please?
Just this once?
- I... I can't.
-Um, ah, how's D?
Is he ready
for the big day tomorrow?
Want to see what the little
shithead did this morning?
No!
Is that his cake for tomorrow?
Yep.
What? He ate that much?
Are you sure it wasn't Lola?
Lola was at the vet
this morning, remember?
Just... wait, check it.
- Ooh, is that--
- Puke?
Yep.
Bet yer ass it is.
A big ol' pile of puke
right in the middle of his bed.
Little fucker tried
to make his bed
on top of the pile of puke,
just to hide it.
I spent all afternoon
cleaning that shit up.
Oh! The smell.
[gags]
If I tell you something,
you promise
you won't get pissed?
It smelled a little puke-y when
you got in the car just now.
Oh, motherfucker!
And you weren't
even gonna say nothing?
I didn't want to be rude!
Come on, man! Huh!
I smell like puke,
my whole entire apartment
smells like puke.
Got my entire family
coming over tomorrow,
it's just gonna be
one giant fucking puke-fest,
with no goddamned birthday
cake! Fuck.
Mother fucking,
mother of the year.
Strange being a parent.
John says 'hi' to me the
wrong way
and I just wanna fucking
castrate him.
And this dude pukes
all over my shit.
I just can't wait to get home
and see him.
Guess that's love, huh?
Or ED. [laughs]
Oh, motherfucker! It's
on... it's on me! Fuck!
My whole fucking car's gonna
smell like fucking milk puke!
I got something.
- God damn!
- Wait one second, wait.
Fuck!
Fuckin' shit.
Here. Here, here.
It's not the most chic,
but, you know,
at least your car won't smell
like a dairy dumpster.
Heh-- I don't know
why you're cracking jokes, dude,
you still let me tug away at
that shit, smelling like this.
I'll give it a--
oh wait, I'll wash it
and I'll give it back
to you tomorrow.
Ah, yeah, don't worry about it.
Oh, uh, there's something else
I want you to have here.
Sorry I didn't have time
to wrap it.
I had to go to, like,
three stores before I fo...
This is the one
he wanted, right?
The Purple Plower?
I thought you said that--
Yeah.
Thanks.
That... he's gonna love it.
Ha.
Is this hug gonna cost me
an extra five bucks?
Hmm. [laughs]
[helicopter flies overhead]
Still want to do this?
It ain't too late, you know.
Yeah, it is.
It's about nine months too late.
- Well, then, do you got cash?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here.
[whispers] Thanks...
Oh, and uh I still want to pay--
Oh, shit!
What the hell
are you doing, man?!
- I'm sorry. Oopsie--
- No! Fuck! No!
Okay, okay, okay.
Shit, calm down, man!
And you don't have to pay me
for the... that.
No no, don't be silly.
I still--
I got it. I got it.
I normally don't do
that sort of thing,
so just accept it
before I take it back.
Look, there's-- there's other
ways of getting the money,
you know.
This is like a zero sum business
that you're fucking with.
Look, I'm in no business
to be giving advice.
Nor should anyone listen to a
goddamned thing that
I have to say,
but I will say this.
All your actions
have consequences, man.
Just because
you can't see 'em
doesn't mean that they're not
fucking shit up elsewhere.
Just like the shitty roots
to your shitty pea-pod.
Just don't fix that shit
at the roots,
it'll just... keep on spreading.
Kinda like that puke smell,
huh?
That's why I changed.
Why I gotta go.
Good luck, pal.
- See you next week?
- I hope not.
Have fun tomorrow at the--
[door slams]
[sighs]
[music]
[radio clicks on]
DJ: As we continue
to rock at KBILLY Bonanza
with another tune from Bobby
Day, only on K-B-I-L-L-Y,
the home of rock. ['Rockin'
Robin' by Bobby Day]
[phone app dings]
PATTY: Say you're sorry.
BOB: No, I will not say
I'm sorry,
because,
A.) I'm not fucking sorry,
and B.) I'm not sorry
that I'm not fucking sorry.
Ow!
and C.) you should be--
and C.) looking for Beaux?
Yeah.
And C.) you should be sorry!
Whatever. I'm over it!
Would the two of you
just stop until we get there?
Jesus! This isn't the time
or the place. Sorry about that!
You just don't get it,
do you, like...
How was I supposed to know
you got drug-tested at work?
I'm not your fucking husband.
Oh, Jesus!
Is this about the ring?
Fine. You can have mine!
Oh, is that how you feel?
Fine.
Then take mine, too!
That's just great!
Oh, you two can both
suck my ass.
If this is how the whole
arrangement is gonna go on
from now on
because a couple of rings,
you can count me out,
bunch of fucking queens!
Fine, then.
Fine!
So, ah... do you
all get drug-tested?
You heard that?
Uh, I mean, I wasn't trying to,
it's just you guys--
you guys like drugs?
Sweetie, as I was just
telling these two infants,
we live in Los Angeles...
if you don't have a drug
or alcohol problem,
you're doing it wrong.
Oh, just because I happen
to like my job, that means--
Oh, no need
to whisper now, honey,
the fat lady's belting
an encore!
Whatever, you fucking
drug addict! There!
Okay, no. Fuck this.
Could you pull over, please?
Yeah, just pull over.
Get that cardio, honey,
try not to buy any crack
on your way home!
- Please just keep driving.
- Cause you're a drug addict!
- Sorry.
- Crackhead.
- Stop being such a bitch!
- Thank you. Wait, me or him?
You, Beaux, Jesus! We're just
trying to look out for you!
Well, stop!
I'm not your fucking husband,
I'm not your child,
I'm just some guy
that both of you fuck
because you two
are bored with each other!
I can't believe
you just said that.
Mind if I say something?
Wish someone would.
I think it's pretty cool.
You know,
the whole gay marriage thing.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
next you're gonna tell us
you voted for Obama, right?
It feels like Thanksgiving
all over again.
Voting for Obama twice.
I did that.
No, no. Not that.
Like, how you two
are married and all,
but still do your thing
with him, as a couple? Is...
Did I get that right?
Eavesdrop much?
Yeah.
Yeah, by the way,
I did vote for Obama. Twice.
Oh, my God.
Okay, one more thing.
I mean, as cool as it sounds
is, like,
the open relationship thing,
is it really worth it?
With all the fighting?
We're not fighting
about that.
Oh, well, what are you
fighting about?
Listen, as much
as I appreciate
any straight white boy
being woke,
trust me,
there's still some shit
straight little ears
just can't comprehend,
nor do we care
to hear your opinion.
Don't worry. I don't deserve
to have an opinion.
Why?
[whistles]
Okay, fine. Buckle up, bitch.
This drama queen is pissed
because I gummied
just a little bit of blow
before I ate out his ass.
It is not about that!
And now he's worried
he can't pass his drug test.
I'm not mad about the drug test!
You are just not being honest.
I wouldn't have even known if
my ass wasn't completely numb!
We're not mad, Beaux. We're
just concerned about you using
again.
That's all!
Using? Says the girls who
drink G every time we go out!
Oh, stop. That is not
the same thing.
Okay, so okay,
so where's the fucking--
Wait, wait, wait, G?
I don't know what G is.
What's G?
- It's Gamma Hydroxybutyrate.
- GHB.
You know, the date rape drug?
- Yeah.
- Gays chug that shit for fun.
- Wait, what, for real?
- Yup.
But even though princess
over here flushed my entire
eight ball down the shitter
to save me, I'm the bad guy.
I'm the bad guy with no drugs
going to a fucking disco
like a diabetic going to Willy
Wonka's fucking
chocolate factory!
I know a guy, uh, if you--
Absolutely not!
He has a problem.
Shut up do you, really?
And we're trying
to work on it.
Okay. So there's the
fucking cutoff?
You girls, you girls can chug G,
snort K, take X,
along with the rest
of the fucking alphabet,
but I do a little bit of blow
and it crosses the line!
Because you lied!
It's ruining your life!
I know I'm just
a straight white dude
and you don't care
to hear my opinion,
but I gotta say being
gay sounds pretty cool.
Sweet drugs, tons of sex
with other people
while you're married, discos?
Where do I sign up?
Any Equinox is a good start.
Got news for you, sweetie.
Straight folks can do
all that stuff, too.
We just do it better.
Most of the time.
But there is one thing
we all can't do.
Say... sorry?
Well, uh, here we are.
I want to thank you guys
for chatting with me.
- Most people, they just kinda--
- Look. Look, I'm sorry. Okay?
Honest. It was the drugs.
Is it the drugs now?
- No.
- Have a good night.
This my phone?
[knock on window]
[window opens]
Hey, do you really know a guy
who can hook me up
with some blow?
Um, I uh, um--
[cell phone rings]
No. Sorry, man.
Ah. Okay. Fuck. Okay.
By the way, your car smells
like puke. Have a good night.
Thanks.
[cell phone rings]
[cell phone rings]
Okay... let's go.
[phone rings]
[whispers] Fuck.
Uh... Carly?
Yep.
Wait... where--
[blows raspberry]
So, uh, do you girls want
some-- do you want-- wait, uh...
Are you even old enough to--
never mind.
[GASPS]
Actually, do you think
you could just drop us off
at the next Starbuck's up there?
Yeah. I think there's one up
after the light up here.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah, right here is fine.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. All right.
- Thank you, thank you.
So, ah, you like drugs?
You, uh, want some blow?
How about a little nose candy?
[whispers] Whaddya think?
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
MAN: Yo, my man, it's me.
Where the hell you at?
I don't see you anywhere.
What you doin'?
Uh... I'm exactly where
you told me to pick you up.
MAN: Where the hell did I tell
you to pick me up?
6925 Hollywood Boulevard.
MAN: Where the hell's that?
Exactly where I am.
MAN: Oh, shit!
Are you at that movie
theater place
that kind of looks
like a Chinese restaurant?
Yeah.
MAN: Oh shit, man,
I'm at Michelle Pfeiffer's star!
- Okay?
- Know where that is?
No. No, I don't.
MAN: Oh shit, dude!
I think that's you right there.
Are you the dude with the DASH
sign parked in front of the
Chinese Theater,
with your four-ways on.
Fuck me, I'll be right there.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
[call ends]
- Let me get this straight--
- Are you--?
Pfeiffer's got a star
and Keaton don't?
I didn't really know that.
Now that is a crock
of fucking bullshit, dude!
I guess, but--
I heard that dude used to rip
dips like a motherfucker.
Is that true?
Keaton?
Eh, he's kinda cool, so I bet--
Yeah dude, I'm heading
your way right now.
In a DASH as we speak.
No bro, I'm off tomorrow.
No bro, I'm off tomorrow.
I go that mandatory
eval bullshit
'cause of what went down today.
Stop, man, stop! You sound
like my fucking wife, man.
Don't tell her I said that.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine, all right?
All right, sick.
Yeah, dope. Should be
there soon, man.
Later.
Fuck, man!
I probably sound like a massive
dick right about now, don't I?
You partying it up tonight?
Better fucking believe it, son.
Yeah?
You trying to keep that party
going a little longer?
I'm trying, dude.
Dead-ass tired.
Long, shitty day
at the office, my guy.
Oh, I got something
that might wake you up a bit.
Hey, you're not a cop, are ya?
How'd you guess?
Ah, good one.
Hmm?
Ah, yeah. Sorry. I didn't--
There it is. There it
fucking is, man.
- No, it's--
- It's the same fucking look
everyone gives me
when they find out.
You don't need to freak out,
dude. I'm off duty, relax.
I know. I'm not freaking out.
I just--
If anything, you should
feel more safe.
I've still got my gun
on me and shit.
Oh, yeah? Oh yeah, cool.
Shit. That's very cool.
You got any guns?
No, no.
I mean, yeah, at home I do.
Yeah, what you got?
I got a pistol, a Glock 27.
Okay, okay. Not bad.
You should carry that shit
around with you, dude.
You never fucking know
around here anymore.
Trust me.
So what's up?
You talkin' to me?
Yeah, dude. You like driving
DASH and shit late at night?
I mean, it gets
kinda lonely, but...
What are you
talking about, lonely?
You've got motherfuckers
in the back of your car-seat
all night long, man!
What you mean 'lonely,' probably
see all kinds of weird shit.
Not really.
I mean, you're a cop, right?
You probably see cooler stuff
than I do.
Yeah. Saw someone get
shot today.
That's pretty cool. Whoa.
It was a six-year-old kid.
Sorry to hear that, man.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Serve and protect though, right?
Another day after the office.
City of fucking angels, man.
You got any kids?
No, I don't.
Check this out.
I, ah, got a four-year-old
back home.
Cute little fucker, isn't he?
- He sure is, man.
- He gets that from his daddy.
Pretty sure
it's the UPS guy, man.
Nobody gets that many
Amazon packages.
The kid wanted an apple juice.
In the picture?
The kid that got shot today.
Some fucking tweaker
all hopped up on PCP.
I didn't even know that was
still a thing anymore, man.
Fucking thought someone
was breaking into his apartment.
He was in the middle
of a fucking 7-11.
You like going to work?
- Who does, man?
- I used to.
Feel like I was putting on
a fucking superhero cape
every day
I put that badge on, man.
Now I feel like
I'm putting a big old bullseye
right here on my chest.
I kiss my fucking boy every day
before I go to work, man.
Every day. But I spend
my 12-hour day with my heart
beating a million
fucking miles an hour,
just praying to God
I can do it again, dude.
Shitty feeling. You know
what's even worse than that?
Thinkin' you're the hero,
but everyone else thinks
you're the bad guy.
Everyone else thinks
you're the villain.
I mean, fuck, man.
I might as well be
Darth fucking Vader
when I put that shit on, dude.
But you know what? At least
I wear my fucking cape, man.
The scariest ones
don't wear a goddamned thing.
They fucking blend
in right with us, dude.
They hide right in plain sight.
Fuck, man. I saw your face
when I told you I was a cop.
I fucking saw it, man.
Yeah, well-- yeah.
Your butt-hole clenched
about this fucking tight.
I can feel it.
- No, why would it?
- That's what I'm saying.
You seem like a good enough
fucking guy.
Yeah.
Got nothing to
worry about, right?
But just knowing I'm a cop--
just knowing I'm a cop made
you want to kick my ass
to the curb.
You regret picking me up,
don't you?
- Oh, not at all, man.
- Oh, bull fucking shit, dude.
I can sense that shit
a mile away.
But you got random motherfuckers
hopping in the back of your car
all night long,
and you don't think twice.
You don't think
twice about that.
Dude sitting there
could be a rapist.
Dude sitting here
could be a drug dealer.
This dude could be a murderer.
You don't give a fuck.
But me, a dude
trying to stop rapists,
drug dealers and murders,
hops back here, and you just
about shit your pants.
And to be honest dude,
I think you might have.
It smells
a little wonky back here.
I mean, do you think you're
driving around nuns all night?
My fucking ass, dude.
I mean, fuck, you could be
a drug dealer, for all I know.
Yeah, mean, but just
the messed up stuff
you see on the news,
the cell phone videos
and the body cams--
And those fucking assholes
shouldn't have got the job
in the first place, dude.
They shouldn't have got
the fucking job.
But that's a broad
generalization,
don't you think,
that we're all bad?
That one group's all good,
one group's all bad?
Dude, that's the same
fucked up mentality
that got us
in this mess to begin with.
I mean, dude, John Q. Public has
no idea what it's like, dude.
They have no fucking clue.
No fucking clue what it's like
to do my job, man.
I mean, what if there was
a camera right fucking there,
watching every move
you made, huh?
You ever drive too fast?
Not use your turn signal?
Fucking high beams on?
Anything? You ever fuck up?
I mean, that's not really
the same thing, not like as--
Okay. Okay, I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
But imagine this now.
Imagine the dude
you just picked up
is all hopped up on PCP, right?
And there's a gun pointing
at your fucking head,
ready to pull that trigger
if you mess up one time.
You move too slow--
bang, you're fucking dead.
You don't use
that turn signal, bang!
You're fucking dead.
You drive too slow, too fast?
Bang, you're fucking dead.
Would you be a little tense?
Ah, yeah, I mean, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Now imagine if DASH
and the whole fucking world
wanted your head
for driving too fast,
to get that guy
out of the car, right?
Drive too slow, that guy shoots
a fucking six-year-old kid
on your watch, man.
That look you just gave me--
that's exactly why I'm afraid
to do my job, man.
And exactly why
the fucking kid died today.
But you know what? I'd take
that look a thousand times over
than seeing the look
on that kid's mom's face.
I get it, dude.
I fucking get it, I get it.
Rotten apple spoils a bunch,
I suppose.
But you know what?
There's a whole fucking or--
--a whole fucking orchard
out there.
And you know what Mr. Chapman
told me in first grade?
An apple a day keeps
the fucking doctor away, man.
You take away
all them good apples,
them doctors washing plenty
of blood off their hands.
Maybe we should wash it off
the orchard's roots first, huh?
[gagging and splashes]
Oh, my fucking God,
Jesus fucking Christ.
My wife is going
to fucking kill me, bro!
Jesus, Christ.
You got a napkin or
something, dude?
No, dude, get the fuck--
aghhh! Please.
Can I leave this for you?
No, get out of here!
[beeping]
Thanks a lot.
Yo, sorry, bro! Jesus.
No, no, no, dude! Oh, fuck man!
Get this shit--
oh, you fucking--
fucking shit, dude!
This is fucking disgusting.
Oh fuck, man! Fuck me!
Sorry, babe. Ooh, sorry, babe!
Oh, God! Oh, fuck! Ah, fuck.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Fuck.
[cell phone rings]
Ah, shit!
Ah, fuck. Aye.
Uh, Jenny?
Uh-huh.
You okay?
Allergies.
You want me to turn
the heat up?
I'm fine.
You know, Michael Keaton
doesn't have a star
on the Walk of Fame?
I prefer awkward silence.
Thanks.
Do you want some blow?
- Just kidding. I didn't--
- Yeah, I'll take a gram.
No, I'm sorry. Wait, what?
For real?
How much? A hundo?
Yeah. Yeah.
A hundred dollars, please.
Yeah. Let me just pull over,
and I'll get that for you.
Yeah.
How much did you want, again?
Just a gram.
Yeah. One sec.
You cool?
Yeah, yeah.
Almost ready here.
You got a charger?
Uh-huh.
Yo, what's the hold-up?
Ya, I... uh...
I, uh, just have to text my
boy, make sure the
price is right.
Sorry, hang in there.
I'll get this for ya. Okay.
I know, I know.
So no charger, huh.
No, I know.
Oh yeah, I'll get that
for you in a second.
Let me just-- sorry.
(nervous laugh)
Almost ready.
Here we go.
All righty, then.
What the hell is that?
Uh. The stuff's inside,
if you know what I mean.
Yo, if this is some
type of prank or something,
I don't--
No.
What is this shit.
Oh, Jesus!
Yo, I wanted a gram, man.
Oh, is it...
is it not enough?
- Enough?
- I can give you some more.
More? Is this shit even real?
Ugh, yeah, yeah.
Pure AF.
[cell phone dings]
Wait. Ah... ? Did you pool?
Oh yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to save some money.
- Do you mind if I--
- No. Do your thing.
Appreciate the honesty.
All right.
Mind if I put on some tunes?
Yeah, do your thing.
[radio]
DJ: with this little ditty
by Billy Lee Riley from 1957.
[ Red Hot (1957)
by Billy Lee Riley ]
Goodness!
[radio clicked off]
MAN: Oh thank you. No, I don't
want to get in--
WOMAN: No, I don't wanna get in.
MAN: No, I don't want to get in.
WOMAN: Get in the car!
MAN: Okay!
- Hi!
- You looking for a Karen?
We don't know
what we're doing here.
This is only, like,
our third time ever using DASH.
- Yeah, we're not from
around here. We're on vacation.
- Vacation. From Nebraska.
- Nebraska.
Isn't this exciting?!
I know, I know. We're headed
to the Chinese Theater.
- Ever been there?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, he knows where it is.
Yeah, oh, good, yeah.
When we travel, we don't like to
do the normal touristy things.
We kind of like to get out
and do our own thing.
Yeah, we like
taking in the culture.
[giggles]
Where's the map? Let's see,
we're here, and we're going
here.
I guess Pauly Shore
lives right there!
Well, we'll have to walk by.
Of course!
Now, what are all
these red spots?
Oh, that's where
the Kardashians live.
No way!
I know. Did you pack
the breath mints, like I said?
Of course, we might be
talking to these people.
I know!
Okay now, if we're here,
and here, it is a little dark--
You know what?
Could we? I just was--
Could--
Would you mind just turning
on the overhead light
real quick?
We can't really see back--
oh thank you.
- Thank you.
- That's so much better.
All right, don't touch her.
I don't want to wake her up.
Oh, ah, yeah.
I think she's high on marijuana.
-What?
- Yeah.
Oh. Fuck.
It's okay, it's California.
It's legal here.
- Ah, yeah, um--
- Oh my goodness!
- Woah!
- I'm so sorry.
Oh wow, that was fast!
Yeah.
P. F. Chang's?
- Is this the Chinese Theater?
- I thought it was the TCL?
Yeah, right here, this is it.
It looks different.
Come on, yeah,
it looks different.
- Yeah, I know.
- This is it.
I hope you guys, appreciate
it. Enjoy the city.
Welcome to LA.
Yeah. Holy fuck.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Okay.
Holy fuck. You're okay.
You're okay,
you're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay. Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.
Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck. Oh! Shit.
Oh, fuck! Uh? Oh, shit!
Oh my... shit!
Um, uh, yeah.
Oh, God! Shit, oh, fuck.
Eh, eh, fuck.
Fuck. Fucking fuck!
Fuck. Fuck.
Oh, fuck!
Holy, shit!
Oh, God, oh God, oh God.
Oh God! Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God. Holy shit.
Oh, ah-- Mmmbop, ba duba bop
Mmmbop, ba duba bop mmmbop,
Ba du bop bop. Fuck Fuck.
[sirens]
Fuck. Oh God.
Oh shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
[cell phone rings]
Fuck!
[cell phone rings]
Hey, what's happening?
WOMAN: Whoa, look at that!
He answered! Whatcha doing?
What do you mean?
WOMAN: You're supposed to
be here by now.
Ah, I'm so.. Fuck!
Yeah, yeah.
That's right. I'm on my way.
Dropping off a passenger now.
WOMAN: You're not lying,
are you?
No. Of course not! Why?
WOMAN: I don't know,
you sound... frazzled.
Like you're on drugs.
Ha, me?! Drugs?! No!
(nervous laugh)
WOMAN: Okay. Just hurry, please?
We cannot be late again.
And by that,
I mean I am fucking starving
and I really want some pizza,
but I can't eat
until after the doctor.
Oh! [cell phone rings]
You know what sounds so good,
what I've been craving
since, like, last Friday?
And by last Friday,
I mean, like, six months ago?
Sushi.
How am I supposed to believe
that this mercury thing
is like bad for a baby?
Like, I've been drinking coffee,
and everything seems fine.
You know what? Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
Being pregnant sucks.
Yeah, but, but, you're
so good at it!
WOMAN: Yeah, something's wrong.
I can tell.
What do you mean?
WOMAN: You're... talking.
Hello?
Ah, yeah, no,
I guess I'm just... nervous.
Yes.
About stuff.
WOMAN: Why are you freaking out?
I'm the one trying
to get this baby out of me.
Ya there?
Yeah, yeah. You bet.
See you soon!
WOMAN: Okay. Just let me know
when you're a few minutes away.
I'll be out. Bye.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
[phone rings]
Come on,
answer your fucking phone.
Answer your fucking phone!
YOUNG BOY: Hello?
What the fuck kind of drugs
did you sell me?
There's a dead g--
YOUNG BOY:
Whoa, you said the F-word...
Hey, D. How's it going,
little buddy?
D: Who is this?
Is your mommy home?
D: You said a bad word, mister!
I'm a good friend
of your mom's, pal.
Can I please talk to her now?
D: It's my birthday tomorrow!
Yeah, yeah, I know it's your
birthday tomorrow, little buddy.
But can I please, please, please
just talk to your mom now?
D: Say, "pretty please."
Pretty please.
D: With sugar on top.
Put your fucking mom
on the phone, you little shit!
KALLI: Give me that phone,
you little shit!
Oh hey, yeah, I know left
my cigarettes in your car.
What the fuck did you
sell me, Kalli?
KALLI: Uh-huh, nope.
Start again.
Ta fuck did you
sell me, Kalli?
KALLI: Nope.
I ain't gonna talk to you
until you calm down
and chill the fuck out!
Calm down? Calm down?
That shit you sold me
fucking killed someone!
Hello?
KALLI: You have the
wrong number.
Stop fucking with me, Kalli!
- KALLI: Are you arrested?
- No! Oh my God.
What did you fucking do man?
KALLI: Well, shit, man.
That sucks.
I don't know what to tell you.
I told you not to fuck
with that heroin shit.
What?! What?! Heroin?!
KALLI: Yeah. That's what
you wanted.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. I wanted smack.
KALLI: Ta fuck
do you think smack is?
Crack? Cocaine?
Crack cocaine!
KALLI: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sweetie, you got pure white H.
You're supposed
to re-cut it before you--
Wait, you thought
you were selling blow?
Yes!
[laughing]
Are you laughing?
Are you laughing?
Are you seriously
fucking laughing right now?
You think this is funny?
KALLI: Oh! Where did you
leave her?
- She's in my trunk!
KALLI: Did you say your trunk?
Yes! Yes, yes, she is
in my trunk.
[Laughing]
KALLI: No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I am not fucking
with you, Kalli!
KALLI: Ha! You're weird.
I've got puke to clean. Bye.
[beeping]
Wait, no, no, no, no, stop!
Fucking stupid fucking bitch.
[cell phone rings]
You fucking--I'm in some
serious shit here--
WOMAN #2:
Hey hun, sorry I didn't...
WOMAN #2: Whoa.
Everything okay?
Oh. Ha. Hey, babe. Sorry
about that. Everything's cool.
WOMAN #2: You sound
a bit... frazzled.
Uh. I'm not frazzled,
I'm just, uh, excited.
WOMAN #2: For what?
Pizza.
WOMAN #2: I thought you said
we were having Thai food?
Yes. Of course.
Yes, right, Thai.
That's what I meant.
WOMAN #2: Oh, dog shit sounds
appetizing at this point.
It's been a hell of a night.
Seriously doing
whole 30 next month, too. Ugh.
Hey, is my extra coat in there?
Mine is filthy.
I thought I left it in the back.
Can you check the trunk for me?
Ya, ya, ya.
It's in here somewhere.
WOMAN #2: I'll grab it when you
pick me up later tonight.
Are you stressed or something?
Um, no. No. Not at all. Why?
I can hear you chomping
on that damn Nicorette.
WOMAN #2: Please don't smoke.
I am so proud of you
for quitting.
[inaudible announcement]
Shit! I've gotta go.
Talk soon. Okay?
Okay, I love--
[beeping]
Fuck! Come on. Fucking Kalli.
[phone rings]
Answer your fucking phone!
(ding)
I fucking know you are! Errr!
Cocksucking motherfucker!
Aaaahhhhhhh! Fuck, Kalli!
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah.
Fuckin' A!
OPERATOR: Please leave your
message for 8--
Fuck.
Shit! Fucking shit.
Oh my... fucking shit!
Holy fuck! Oh, God.
Oh, this stupid belly.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi. How ya feeling?
- Ugh. Did you see "Jaws 2"?
- Uh. I don't know.
The movie, "Jaws 2,"
have you seen it?
Oh. Yeah, I think so. Why?
I kind of feel like that dead
beached whale
whose insides burst out.
Closest thing I can think of.
I could probably eat
that beached whale,
come to think of it.
Mm-hmm?
Which reminds me,
did you see my post?
Oh, yeah, I did. It's funny.
Maybe one of these days
it'll funny enough to "like."
Yeah.
Are you-- you got the whole
pack of gum in your mouth,
or what?
Can I get a piece?
Oh yeah, go ahead.
Sorry, it's right there.
Oh. I'm starving.
So how's work? Any weirdos?
- No, same-old, same-old.
- People are so gross.
They could be murders
or drug dealers, you know?
For real.
I listen to "Crime Junkies."
That, or they're, like,
wiping their boogers
and farting all over your seats.
No boogers or murderers yet.
I'm going to be honest,
it smells like a fart in here.
You should pay
to get this car detailed.
I wish.
I'm a little strapped
at the moment.
Got a baby to pay for.
Yeah. Well, I appreciate you.
Damn, this gum's got a kick!
I appreciate you stepping up.
Yeah, well half my fault,
right?
I'm serious.
Most guys woulda run
for the fucking hills.
I would have too, if you didn't
convince me otherwise.
- Hey, you wouldn't have.
- No, I would have.
I've had, like,
nine other late-term abortions.
Tenth would have been free.
[nervous laugh]
That was a joke.
Good-- good one.
I know you put a girl in here.
What?
In here.
This fat-ass stomach of mine.
I really think it's a girl.
Oh yeah, how do you know?
[car honk]
Partly because of some shit
I read on Pinterest.
But mostly because I don't think
it's possible for a boy
to stay in my life
for eight months.
Da duh pssshh.
Ouch. I've been around
for eight, right?
'Cause you planted
your seed in me.
No, I didn't-- I just--
Oh my God, I didn't mean
to get you all frazzled.
I'm not frazzled.
I'm ah, I'm just stressed
about, you know, yeah.
I just-- I just want everything
to go right for a change.
Yeah. I feel ya.
You know, this whole thing
didn't seem right.
[voicemail plays]
WOMAN #2: Hey, sorry
I missed you.
I just realized
we didn't decide on dinner.
Surprise me.
I trust you.
Just please,
don't pick pizza.
- I already feel so fat.
- I'm really fucking glad you
convinced me
to change my fucked up mind.
WOMAN #2: Sorry if I
seem distracted...
It's not fair to you.
This place just never stops.
Okay, call you later.
I love you.
I couldn't be happier that we
decided to let things play out.
Hey, okay, huh?
Yeah.
What did you tell me?
It's gonna be hard, but we're
doing the right thing, here.
I don't know if I'm capable
of doing the right thing.
Yeah, you are.
I'll just leave out
the part of the story
about the drunken one night
stand after the Dave Matthews
concert at The Bowl, hmm?
'Crash into Me,'
every fucking time.
You're a good dude.
At least I think you are.
[Laughs]
Fucking Dave Matthews.
He should be paying
for all of this shit.
It's like his voice
forces ovulation, or something.
You can't park here,
you have to go to those spots.
Oh. I forgot to tell you,
I can't make it
into the appointment.
I've got a scheduled ride.
Are you, fuck--
seriously? Why? Why?
Every single time
I have an appointment,
you always come up
with some excuse--
I know, I'm sorry, it's ah...
Something came up.
How am I going to get home?
Take a DASH.
No, me. Me.
I'll pick you up.
Huh. Whatever. Oh.
Forget about that voicemail
I left earlier.
Probably sounded
like a psychopath,
it's the hormones, don't worry.
Let me help you. Wait, wait--
I'll come. I can...
I'll get-- I'm coming.
[texting notification]
Can I take this?
Uh. Yeah, sure.
[texting notifications]
I gotcha. Sorry, um, good luck.
I'll see you later.
Fuck! Holy fuck! Come on.
[phone rings]
Answer your fucking phone!
KALLI: Mm-hmm?
Hey Kalli, what's happening?
KALLI: You calmed down now?
Uh-huh.
KALLI: Is there really a
dead bitch in your trunk?
Uh-huh.
KALLI: You ain't fucking
with me?
Nuh-uh.
KALLI: Fuck. Well...
[inaudible]
Yeah, I know Mommy
said the F-word,
but I'm allowed to say it.
Don't know what to tell you.
I warned you, man.
What do you mean,
you don't know what to tell me?
KALLI: I don't care...
if you turn six tomorrow.
You ain't saying it!
You got yourself in this mess.
No, you can't say the "shit"
word either.
Go to bed! Play with fire,
you gonna get burned.
No, no, Kalli! Kalli!
You can't just fucking--
KALLI: I gotta go, bye.
No, you can't just
fucking leave me like--
Fuck, you stupid fucking bitch!
You fucking ruined
my whole fucking life!
KALLI: Boy, am I glad
I didn't hang up!
Oh yeah, hey, Kalli, sorry.
Sorry about that.
KALLI: Let's get one thing
straight, pal.
I'm not your therapist, I'm not
your lover, I'm not your friend.
Your my customer. Got that?
You pay me to make you happy.
It ain't my fault that you can't
do that for yourself! Bye.
Wait, no! Wait you stupid
fucking bitch...
Yeah, you fucking stupid
fucking bitch, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Come on.
All right, fuck. You got this.
Come on. You can do this.
You've been through worse.
It's just... now you're
a murderer.
Great.
How was your night, Milly?
Oh, you know, same-old,
same-old.
Just killed a chick.
Fuck! Fuck!
You fucking killed her, man.
She's in your fucking trunk!
Fuck. She had friends.
Fuck. A family. A Mom.
A Mom, a Dad. Fuck.
A Dad.
Fuck. Fuck.
Okay. Okay, okay,
okay, calm down, calm down.
You got this.
You can do this shit.
Let's just fucking reconvene
here. Fucking... reconvene.
Where the fuck...
Where the fuck?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Where the fuck-- oh, fuck!
Fuck, fuck!
[suspenseful music]
UGH!
[click]
Fuck.
[gunshot]
Fuck. Ahhhhh, fuck.
Ahh, ahh, ahh. Fuck!
[cell phone vibrates]
[screams]
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!
Ahh! Oh! No! Fuck. Oh!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oohh. Fuck. Uh.
Oh my g... Oh fuck.
Fuck. Oh, fuck.
Come on. Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone...
Pick up the phone.
[cries]
Goddammit, fuck.
[phone] Hey, this is Emily.
Leave a message.
Call.
[phone rings]
[whispers] Pick up the phone.
Ow, shit!
Fuck.
- [phone] Hey this is Emily--
- Ah! Come on answer your
fucking phone!
[phone] The mailbox is full...
Fuck.
[phone rings]
[moans]
[cries]
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck!
Goddamnit.
[car honking]
Did...
You...
Take...
The...
Food...
Ah, fuck!
Ah, fuck!
[crash]
[sirens]
[megaphone]
Please remain in your vehicle.
Put your hands
where we can see them.
My partner's going to come
and check you out.
[laughs]
Welcome to the party, pal!
[laughter]
Fuck.
[laughter]
[knock on window]
Well, this sucks, don't it?
[laughter]
You have no idea.
Did I miss something?
Hell of a night, sir.
Okay. Can I get your license
and registration, please?
Yes, sir.
All right, here you are, sir.
Ah, texting and driving?
Busted, how did you guess?
Plowed into a cop car, dude.
It's either texting and driving
or drinking and driving.
Yeah. Uh. Sorry.
This car don't belong to you?
No sir, no. Ah.
It's my wife's.
Looks like this shitty night's
just got started then, huh?
I just found out I'm having
a baby girl. Hence the texting.
Had the same look in my eye
when I found out
I was having a daughter, too.
Congrats to you and your wife.
It's not hers.
The car?
But you just said that--
No, no. The uh...
the baby girl.
It smells a bit funky in there.
Ha. Like puke or shit?
Like gunpowder.
Carrying a firearm on you?
No, sir. I just--
I gave a ride
to an officer earlier. I can--
Hey hey, keep your hands
where I can see them, sir!
Oopsies.
Sorry about that.
Please remain
in your vehicle.
This registration expires
in about two weeks.
I'll be sure
to tell the wife.
Good news is, your wife
won't kill you tonight,
not over the car, at least.
There appears to be no damages.
Bad news is, it smells
like a frat party in there.
I'm going to ask you to take
a step outside the vehicle
so I can have a look around.
Okay.
All right, nice and slow,
please shut off your vehic--
[police radio] Reports of
shots fired at an officer on
Franklin and North Cherokee...
Any officer in the area--
Ten-four dispatch, en route.
Consider this a warning.
OFFICER: Grolemund, let's go!
[sirens]
Fuck! Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh fuck. Ow!
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh fuck. Ow!
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Owww!
Okay.
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.
Oh, fuck!
Come on!
Ahh.
Answer your phone.
[phone ringing]
[moans]
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Holy fucking shit!
EMILY: Hey, what's going on? I--
Did you take the food
from my car?
EMILY: Yeah, sorry.
You said I could take it.
Toss it. Ah? It's...
it's gone bad.
EMILY: Gone bad? It's fast food.
I don't even think
that's possible.
No, no, no, just toss it, okay?
Just toss it.
EMILY: Whoa! Okay, I will.
[inaudible intercom]
Hello?
Sorry about that.
Is, uh... is everything okay?
EMILY: Yep.
Hopefully just one more test
and I should be good to go.
You still picking me up?
Ah--
EMILY: Hello?
Yeah. You bet.
I'll see you soon.
EMILY: Cool, cool.
I hate to be a dick, but can you
pick up some pizza or something?
If not, I will just scarf down
this poison stuff, which--
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, I'll pick something up.
EMILY: You da best.
And, hey?
What's up?
We're having a baby girl.
Yeah.
We're having a baby girl.
EMILY: Okay. Gotta go.
I'll see you soon.
Okay, bye.
[beeping]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
[phone rings]
Ahhh.
[groans]
WOMAN #2: Hey, what's up?
I only got a second.
I uh... I uh... when do you
go on break?
WOMEN #2: In five minutes. Why?
What's up?
Uh. I'm in the area.
Thought I'd bring you some food.
Want to talk to you
about something.
WOMAN #2: I don't-- know,
I don't have much time now.
Do you really need
to talk about this right now?
It won't take long.
WOMAN #2: Everything okay?
Ah... Not really.
WOMAN #2: Ah, no, don't like
that answer at all.
Should I be concerned?
No, no. Not at all.
WOMAN #2: Okay, swing by.
Okay, gotta go, bye.
Okay, I--
[phone beeping]
No worries, sweetheart.
Just...
Shot a hole in my foot
and got blood all over
your new car
while I was trying
to blow my brains out!
Oh! And I'm about to ruin
your whole fucking life.
But no worries.
It's not all bad.
[phone rings]
My baby mama, she didn't eat
all my heroin, so there's that.
[phone] Yeah, yeah.
Pete's A-Pizza.
Yeah, can I order
for pickup, please?
MAN: Uh-huh.
Go ahead.
Uh, can I get a large
pepperoni pie?
MAN: Uh-huh. What kind of crust?
What the fuck kind of
question is that?
No, can I--
what do you have? Fuck?
MAN: Original, pan, deep,
stuffed.
MAN: Got this new
low-carb fuckin.
- Ah, fuck!
- MAN: Cauliflower bullshit.
Oh, shit!
- Uh, hey.
- THAI WOMAN: Wise Thai.
Can I get an order for pickup?
WOMAN: Uh-huh.
[moans]
Um, ooooh!
Yeah, sorry, can I get
a Tom Yum soup?
THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
Uh, are there any carbs in that?
[inaudible Thai chatter]
No, no fuck it.
I'll just get a spicy chicken
Pad-Thai, too.
THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
[inaudible Thai chatter]
Fuck!
- THAI WOMAN: Uh-huh.
- Crap! Not you.
WOMAN: That be $35.92.
Ready in ten minutes.
Yeah. No no no,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Thirty-five dollars?
THAI WOMAN: Tom Yum,
spicy chicken Pad-Thai, pho,
Pad Kra Pao Moo...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- $35.92.
Just the spicy chicken
and the Tom Yum.
THAI WOMAN: Okay, ten minutes.
Okay. Okay. Bye.
[beeping]
Ah, oh, oh! Fuck!
[cell phone rings]
What the fuck?
Oh, shit. Okay.
Okay, hello?
COP: Hey man, sorry about
the puke. I think I might have
left my--
- Snuck out a little early.
- Hi.
- Sorry.
- How's your night?
I was just running all over.
It's okay.
Whoa. Smells like something
died in here. Do you smell that?
- Um...
- It's my fucking coat.
I had a to pump
a patient's stomach today.
But you brought Thai food.
Ah, shit.
You forgot Thai food.
No, it's uh, just--
It's fine.
I'll just get something.
No, I ordered it,
we just have to go pick it up.
No really, it's fine.
I have, like, ten minutes.
That's all it'll take. Great.
Really, I have to--
I know. I know.
I know, I know.
You still seem frazzled.
I'm not frazzled, it's--
Well, it sure as hell sounded
like it on the phone earlier.
Oh.
Oh yeah, what's this news
you have to tell me?
Umm. Ah...
Aw! Did you see Audra and
Paul got engaged?
Oh my God! Finally.
Oh, yeah.
Is that what you wanted
to talk to me about?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God.
Did he break... did he cheat
on her, or something?
No. No no, that's not it.
It's just-- ooh. I-- I--
How about we wait
until you have some food in you
'cause I know how you get
when you haven't eaten.
What? What?
That is not fair.
When's the last
snack you had?
I had an RX bar.
- When?
- I don't know. Like, noon.
God, what is this? I mean, like,
you're seriously--
You've been saying
that you need to talk to me--
Let's just wait
until you get some food.
It's, like, what is it?
What is it?
You want to divorce me
or something?
Like, you're really starting
to freak me out here.
No, no, no,
that's not it at all.
It's, um, um, ah a surprise.
Yeah. I know how
much you like surprises.
I do. I love surprises.
What is it?
What? Oh my-- oh my God,
did you fix the kitchen sink?
No, I didn't have time
to do that today.
So, you keep guessing.
Ummm, okay.
Um, I know we talked
about a puppy.
I'd be excited, but, like,
maybe not the best time.
Nope. Guess again.
Okay, good.
Third time's a charm.
You can do it.
Well, we did go to that
jewelry store the other day--
Oh, so close!
You'll found out soon enough!
Be right back. Ow!
My coat.
Oh, my God. Oh.
[suspenseful music]
I fucking knew it!
Piece of shit!
Oh! Are you fucking-- ugh!
What is this? Ugh!
My coat-- destroying my car!
[trunk clicks open]
Tara, Tara, Tara! Tara!
Hey! What you doing?
Looking for my other
white work coat.
- No--
- I know I put it in here
somewhere.
What did someone steal
my white work coat?
No, no, let's get you back
to the hospital, huh?
These people are disgusting!
Looking for this, I assume?
Oh yeah, thanks.
I dropped it earlier.
Got anything you want
to tell me?
Um, not off the top of my head.
Oh, you mean-- yeah, you mean,
like, why you wanted to talk?
No, no, no. I mean, like
why the hell
there's a pack of cigarettes
in the glove box.
Oh, those aren't mine,
they're a friend's.
I mean a passenger's.
A client's.
Stop. Just stop fucking
lying to me.
No, I'm not lying to you.
Okay, okay.
I don't care, I don't care.
I just, I just want to find
my other white work coat.
It smells like puke.
I'm gonna smell
like puke the rest of the day.
I made the car smell like puke!
I'm sorry. I am really hungry.
Can I please just eat?
Please?
[text notification]
Yeah, dig in.
Okay.
Do you care if I have
a bite of your Pad Thai?
Ah, you know,
there are carbs in the Pad Thai.
Yes, thank you,
I know there's carbs in this.
I'm having a bite.
[phone ding]
What? I just got your text
saying you're on your way.
Yeah, weird. So weird.
Mmm, my God.
This is so fucking good.
I feel better.
I knew you would.
You want some?
Ooh, um, no. I'm not hungry.
It's amazing.
A little cold, but I'm good.
Mmm. Honey.
Yeah?
You picked the good place.
- I did, didn't I?
- Ah shit, pot hole. God, fuck.
There's not as much chicken
in this one. Oh, there's one.
Ow, yeah, I'm having
stomach cramps today,
So that's-- it's weird.
Want some? You hungry?
No, no.
[eating noises]
Honey, I don't have
any more time to get--
I know, I know...
Can we-- can we
please just talk?
Sure. Can we talk and I eat?
This is so weird,
but you are extremely smart.
Getting me food
and then telling me--
I don't even know what the fuck
you're going to tell me.
You tell me you killed my
parents, I don't care, whatever.
You know how much
I love you, right?
I love you too.
And you know that I'd do
anything for you, right?
Is this about Audra
and Paul's wedding?
'Cause you don't have to go.
I know they kind of suck.
No, will you please
just listen,
listen to me, for once?
Um, you remember
the Dave Matthews concert
you couldn't go to?
What? Um, no. When was that?
About eight months ago.
Did I have to cover a shift,
or something?
Uh-huh.
Um, I mean, yeah, I guess.
Kind of.
Do you remember why we moved
into a two-bedroom apartment?
You serious?
You're seriously going
to bring this up? Right now?
Every time I try to bring
it up, you change the subject.
Because it's not
a conversation
I particularly enjoy having.
Yeah, but it's a conversation
that we need to have.
Well, there's not an outcome
to this conversation
where I don't end up
looking like a selfish,
narcissistic bitch.
This is the part
where you tell me
that I'm not in fact a selfish,
narcissistic bitch.
Oh, yeah, you're not selfish
or narcissistic.
Or a bitch.
Or a bitch.
Thank you!
But we have to have
this conversation,
because we haven't finished--
Okay, okay,
do you really not think
that I don't think about
this stuff, too?
No, I know you do,
but we haven't
talked about it, so--
Okay. Okay. Let's do this.
I have aspired my entire life
to wear this white coat,
you know that.
High school, college, MCATS,
residency-- all those years.
And-- and I know, it's just
a stupid white coat to you.
But you know how much
this coat cost me--
three hundred thousand dollars
of student loan debt
and clinical FOMO.
But now that I'm wearing it,
I have to work twice as hard
just to keep it on,
or it was all for nothing!
- Tara...
- And yes, I would love
to be that girl
that lays around all day
and drinks White Claws
and eats Taco Bell, or go on
hikes in the middle of the day,
bake cute shit
on "British Bake-Off,"
or just maybe have
one hour to work out
so I don't watch
my body fade to flub.
I know, I know.
I know, but--
I want to go to Dave Matthews.
I love Dave Matthews.
Okay?
The point is, I can think
of a thousand other ways
to spend three
hundred thousand dollars.
Just listen!
I put my life on hold
to make this happen for us.
Okay? And I see that life
passing me by every single day.
But that's cool.
I signed up for that.
And I think you did, too.
Okay. I mean, okay, okay.
I want a family, I do.
I know you want a baby,
and I want a baby, too.
I want a baby, too.
So we'll figure it out, right?
Figure it out.
We'll adjust, and I'll reroute,
it's just
there's moving pieces--
The dirty things that I would do
for some Taco Bell
and a cigarette.
[whispers] Is she a
passenger? So awkward.
[whispers] She's so pretty.
What's up?
Oh, hey, um congratulations.
How far along are you?
Eight long hormonal months,
girl, but--
You look great.
I feel like a Ziploc bag
full of pudding.
We have artificial intelligence
and self-driving cars,
and literally anything
we could possibility
want to figure out at the palm
of our fucking hands,
and yet I am still
pushing this sucker out
like I'm in a freakin' manger.
But, at least we can get you
high as a kite though, right?
Shit. Are you a doctor?
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to make your job seem like it's-
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You look amazing,
better than me.
And all I have is a belly
full of Thai food, so...
Oh my God, that sounds so good.
Please, please tell me
you picked up some grub
like I asked.
Oh, my god. You're doing Food
DASH now too. That's awesome.
Um. There's Tom Yum,
if you want it.
Do you have anything
with carbs?
Because I've got
nothing to hide.
Just my Pad Thai.
[laughter]
Okay.
Um, okay.
I... I don't have cooties, so...
Girl, I don't care
if you have the Bubonic Plague.
Hell, yes! Thank you.
Can I get that fork?
Oh, um, sure.
[slurping and eating noises]
Goddamn, I just named this
baby girl of yours Pad Thai.
I've got to get back to work.
Um, it was so nice meeting you.
Mm-hmm.
No, I really,
I have to go back.
Oh, I know.
Oh, I thought you were
a passenger getting dropped.
Do you guys know each other?
Ah, yeah, I'm his--
We're just going to go
for a little ride, yeah.
Babe, this isn't funny.
I have to be back,
I am 10 minutes late--
Babe?
Yeah?
Babe?
What's up?
What's going on here?
I'm a bit confused myself.
Do you two know each other?
Um-- Ha. Yeah,
you could say that.
And you are?
She's my favorite prostitute.
[laughs]
I'm this strange man's wife.
Don't call me that in public.
We talked about that.
- Yeah.
- You doing okay?
I am a bit frazzled now.
Yeah.
So, you two know each other?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. How so?
- Um...
- Yeah.
Ha, okay. That strange man
up there put this baby in me.
So...
So, unless the two of you,
uh, met and then got married
within the last eight months,
I think we've got a pretty
big fucking problem here.
- I can explain.
- To who?
- To whom?
Tara-- I--
Oh my God, this is real.
My God, this is real!
Tara. Tara, Tara, I--
Shut the fuck up.
Just shut the fuck up?
Not a single fucking word!
For what it's worth,
I had no idea--
Yeah, that goes for you, too.
Shut up!
Okay, miss.
Listen, I'm about to kill
the man sitting next to you.
Do not put yourself
on that list, too!
- For what it's worth...
- Shut the fuck up!
- Shut the fuck up!
Take me back to work, please.
No, no, no. Tara, Tara,
we have to talk about this.
Yeah, I'd actually
like to walk from here--
No, no, no, please, no.
No one's getting out
of this car
until we talk about this
and act like adults here,
- because I have to tell...
- You want to act like adult?
Okay, fine.
I work 100 hours a week,
I own my own car.
Um, what do you besides
knock up random sluts?
- It's not about that right now.
- Excuse me! Who?
Were you going to keep this
a secret from me?
No, no.
I was going to tell you.
I had a plan--
So, how were you going
to pay for-- oh, man.
I had a plan.
Oh my God,
you were going to pay
for this bastard child
with my money!
- No, it's--
- Bastard child? Excuse me--
You can't even afford
your own car!
You know that, right?
No money, no money, and you want
to raise a child behind my back!
Oh, my God.
My God!
I would appreciate it
if you saw my side in this,
because I am carrying
this man's child, and I--
I was going to tell you, too.
I just--
Oh. Oh, you were? When?
In the fucking delivery room?
At my fucking hospital?
Ow, please!
Ow, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
I know, I know, I know.
I'm sorry! I'm driving!
I'm fucking driving!
Babe, baby, babe, babe.
Fuck you! And fuck that baby!
Oh, you're really
gonna play the fucking--
No! No!
Oh, no no, stop!
Stop it!
Oh! Will you fucking--
somebody just fucking listen
to me for a fucking change?
I spend all day every day
listening to what other people
have to tell me--
but it's my turn now!
This isn't about us.
It's about that baby,
right there.
You're going to divorce me.
You're going to get
full custody.
I understand if neither of you
ever want to talk to me again,
I get it. I get it!
But please, I know,
I know that you two will never
give me another chance.
I don't deserve one.
But let that child
just give me one.
Fuck!
[thump from trunk]
What the hell is that?
Yeah, everybody, let's get out.
Yeah, let's just--
let's get out.
What have you done to my car?
No no, probably a flat tire.
You ruin everything!
- Get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out! Get out!
- What kind of flat tire is...
Yes. No, I know, it's okay,
a flat tire is--
I'll change it real fast.
Ow! Okay, BRB! I'm sorry.
BRB! Ow. Holy fuck.
Holy fuck. I know, I hear you.
I fucking hear you. Jesus! Fuck.
( Help me! Somebody help me! )
- Calm down, calm down!
- ( Help me! )
- Okay, okay, okay!
( Someone, help! )
Stop yelling!
( Get me out! )
Fuck! Fuck! Um, ah. Shit! Ow!
( Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!)
Oh, shit!
( Someone help, please!
Please! Please!)
Hello?
Is there someone
in the trunk of the car?
- What the fuck do you think?
- Jesus Christ-- are you okay?
What the fuck do you think?
Stop asking stupid questions!
I'm not asking
stupid question, I just--
Get me the fuck out of here!
Okay. Wait, wait, wait--
Are you fucking insane?
Help!
Stop, stop, stop, please!
Stop yelling. Stop yelling!
Get me out of it!
Please! Please!
Just get me out of here!
Okay. If I let you out,
are you going to scream?
No.
If I let you out,
are you going to run away?
No.
If I let you out, are you
going to call the police?
Are you going to
call the police?
I heard what you said.
And no, I'm not going to call
the fucking police.
I just want-- I just want
to get out of here. Please!
Okay, okay.
Please!
I'm going to let you out now.
Ow! Fuck! Oh.
[cell phone rings]
Okay.
I'm going to open it now.
Oh, shit. I got you.
I got you.
Step down. Yeah. I got you.
Here you go.
- You got the door?
- Uh-huh.
Okay. Sorry.
Owww, fuck! Oh, shit! Ah!
Shit. Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah. For... for what?
Not leaving me--
Not leaving you--
are you serious?
That's what usually happens.
Basements, warehouses,
back alleys.
I've came to in
just about all of them.
Yeah, I couldn't
abandon someone like that.
This, ah, this ever happened
before?
Yeah, but always to
bright lights, like hospitals,
ambulances, flashlights.
But never-- this is the
first time I came to darkness.
Nothing.
I thought it was 'it.'
I just accepted it.
I gave up.
Now you've got a
second chance.
This is my third
second chance.
I was on my way to rehab.
When? You mean-- oh, fuck!
You're not a very good drug
dealer, are you?
How could you tell?
I'm your customer.
I'm not your friend.
Yeah, blame my ED.
Huh?
Nothing.
Scary thing, huh?
Not knowing the person
sitting in your back seat.
Scarier not knowing
the person sitting up front.
Shit.
Can you, um,
take me to the hospital?
I'm not going to say
anything, man.
No, no, no, it's not that.
It's...
I might get a VIP parking spot
at that place
by the end of tonight.
[cell phone rings]
I know this is bad timing,
but we've got to pick up
a few more.
I know.
Are you sensitive
to loud noises?
- Like music?
- Like screaming.
Eh, I don't feel much
of anything right now.
Two peas in a shitty pod,
huh?
You got any cigarettes?
Um...
Ah--
What... ? You've gotta be
fucking kidding!
Oh!
- Is she--
- Oh, God.
[inaudible yells and cries]
We have to go now!
Get in the fucking car now!
Are you okay?! Oh, my god!
Drive! Drive!
- Okay, okay. We're going.
- We're going to breathe,
- and we're going to count
to five.
- Oh, my god.
I don't want to fucking
count to five.
I want to go
to the fucking hospital!
I'm going. I'm going.
Oh, fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you!
- I'm sorry--
- Fuck Dave Matthews. Oh, my
god. Fuck you for all of this.
Where the fuck did you go?!
I just went around the corner--
You fucking left us there!
I didn't know you were going
to pop the thing
out right fucking here!
Who the fuck is this?! Did
you fucking knock her up too?!
- No!
- Watch the road. Watch the-
- Where are you going? Don't
take Melrose!
- What? Not--
- Drive! You're going the wrong.
Drive faster! Keep your eyes
on the road.
I'm going as fast as
I fucking--
Go around the car! Just go
around the car!
It doesn't matter if there's
a red light.
There is a red light,
just keep driving!
I know, I know.
I can't believe this.
I don't know what to do!
There's a fucking red light!
She's having a child
in the back seat!
I know, I know.
Just go around the cars.
It doesn't matter just drive!
- I'm going!
- You cannot do anything right!
You seriously cannot do
anything right.
I'm literally fucking driving!
- I know!
- Watch the road!
Just keep going!
I'm fucking lost!
I don't know where I'm going.
I'm lost.
And I'm sorry.
You should have said
that before. Make a right here.
- Make a right down there.
- Okay.
It's okay. We're almost
there. We're almost there.
Okay. We're almost there,
we're almost there.
It's going to be okay.
[heavy breathing]
- Okay! Okay.
- Ow.
Ah fuck. Ow.
Okay. Okay.
Sit the fuck down.
Fuck you!
Can I use your phone?
Mine's dead.
[phone rings]
Umm... can you...?
MAN: Hello?
Hey, Dad?
MAN: Jesus, Jenny, where
the hell have you been?
Where are you? I've been
trying to call you for--
I'm fine. I promise.
MAN: Well, did you make it
to the clinic?
Mm-hmm.
MAN: You're not lying this
time, are you?
Nope.
MAN: Well, best of luck,
all right?
No, but Dad, hey--
MAN: Yeah?
Hey dad, can I talk
to her, please?
Dad?
MAN: Not sure if that's a good
idea.
Dad, please! Please.
I just need to hear her voice.
MAN: Listen, it's late.
All right, all right.
All right. Give me a second.
Hey honey, come here.
YOUNG GIRL: Hello?
Hey. Hey, Booger.
YOUNG GIRL: Mommy!
- Yeah, it's Mommy.
YOUNG GIRL: Where are you?
- I'm gonna go see the doctor.
YOUNG GIRL: Are you sick again?
Yes, honey. I'm sick again.
YOUNG GIRL: When are you
coming home?
- When I get all better.
- YOUNG GIRL: When will that be?
- I don't know. I don't know.
YOUNG GIRL: I miss you, Mommy.
Grandpa smells funny.
Yeah, I know, Daddy...
Grampy, he smells funny.
YOUNG GIRL: Can you read me
a bedtime story tonight?
YOUNG GIRL: Mommy?
Not tonight, honey.
Soon, though.
YOUNG GIRL: Grandpa says I have
to brush my teeth now.
So I gotta go. Mommy,
do I have to brush my teeth?
Yeah. Yes, baby,
you have to brush your teeth.
YOUNG GIRL: Oh, man! Okay.
Bye, Mommy. I love you
soooo much.
Even when you're sick.
Here's Grandpa.
Love you too, Booger.
MAN: Listen, Jenny, we really
need to have a talk--
[beeping]
I'm going to go now.
I hope you get better.
I hope you do, too.
Guess we're kinda at
the right place to do that, huh?
[cell phone rings]
I'm here.
OPERATOR: Congratulations!
You have won!
You have been selected
for an all-inclusive--
[click]
Ugh. Fuck.
[police siren; phone rings]
COP #1: What kind of car
was it?
DRUNK COP: I don't know, man?
A black one?
[cell phone rings]
COP #2: Are you using
the, ah, Find My Phone app?
DRUNK COP: Yeah, dude,
it says it's right there.
COP #1: Are you calling it
right now?
DRUNK COP: Yep. It's ringing.
COP #2: Sh-sh-sh, you hear that?
Oh, it's right there!
Right there.
DRUNK COP: Boom-chaka-laka!
I knew it!
COP #1: Looks like this dude
had a hell of a night.
DRUNK COP: Ah, shit, is there
puke everywhere?
COP #2: Shit, man,
is that a shell casing?
- COP #1: Rob, I'm seeing
blood up here.
- DRUNK COP: Er... uh... eh...
Yeah, that was not me.
COP #2: Fuck me!
Should we call this in?
COP #1: Goddamn it, Brock,
what the fuck is this?
DRUNK COP: Hmm. I ah...
I guess there's a first time
for everything, huh, boys?
[music hit] [static]
[music build]
[record screech]
[beep]
[static]
[fanfare]