Deadpool 2 (2018) Movie Script
2
Fuck Wolverine.
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
What a dick.
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
I'm dying in this one, too.
To understand
why I took a cat-nap
on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
I need to take you back
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
I'd gone international,
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
unspeakable monsters.
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
I'm gonna touch them all over.
Hey, it's Gail calling.
Love the shiny suit.
Really brings out
the sex trafficker in your eyes.
I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
But I did take
8th grade Spanish, so...
Which literally translates to...
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...
I'll take
a cranberry-grapefruit vodka.
I know it's called a Sea Breeze.
Don't make me say it.
Hit it, Dolly.
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
Whoo! Do not go in there!
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out!
Time out!
Cut. Got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
Oh, that's so gross.
Fuck.
Scoutmaster Kevin?
Too exotic?
My world tour brought me home
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
But that's where you'd be wrong.
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
But this guy?
He was one of the worst of 'em.
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
Ugh. So gross.
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
Over and over,
I hear people say,
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
It's something you create.
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
A sense of confidence is nothing
but a sense of power
within yourself...
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
Start the car!
Start the fucking car!
Dopinder!
Start the fucking car!
- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.
Actually, that may have been me.
Oh, mission accomplished?
Well, in a George W.
Sort of way.
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
and who'da thought?
Now I'm talked about in the
same sentence as Jesus.
Passion of the Christ, then me.
At least domestically.
We beat them overseas,
where there's no such thing
as religion.
I do want to live the dreams,
Pool Boy.
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
Can't maintain an erection
without buying shoes online?
I've never experienced
that last one.
Talk to me, Goose.
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
You never cease to surprise me.
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
We all need
a sense of belonging.
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
A place in this world.
I want to become
a contract killer.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
and threatened him
with great violence?
You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed
10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
for the first time...
and she looked up at his smooth,
handsome face and said...
"I want some more."
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not picture that.
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
as soon as possible.
We're here.
You're my Tom Cruise!
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
- and I had to, uh...
- Uh-uh.
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
No.
Traffic?
Hmm?
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
Don't you want your surprise?
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
I got one for you, too.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Open, open, open.
Skee-Ball token.
Our first date.
Yup.
That's genuine, high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
Oh...
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
I don't know what this is.
My IUD.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
What, you mean that your...
Baby factory's open
for business.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
Like Cher or Todd.
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
Papa...
Can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
May.
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family was always
an F-word to me.
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
to draw off of for Todd.
Hey. Look at me.
You are not your father.
Besides...
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
But here's the thing,
isn't that how it always works?
Like in Star Wars,
men are destined
to become their father...
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
It's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a "K"!
No, too stripper-y, too.
Uh, Earl!
He's gonna go straight to jail
if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
No.
Get down.
What?
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
Please.
Please. Please.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No!
Papa, can you hear me?
Is it just me, or does
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
sound suspiciously like
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
From Yentl?
Papa, can you hear me?
And nobody fucking realizes it.
Go home. You've been here
for three days, okay?
You smell like somebody shit
in a Civil War wound...
after it had become gangrenous.
They should've just
amputated it. Why shit in it?
Doesn't make any sense.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
An ocean is water.
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right.
I'm never
gonna dance again. Fuck!
He's dead, too.
At least we still have Bowie.
Yeah. We still have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot,
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
Are you pissing? Are you
urinating right now?
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!
There you go, Dopinder.
If you want to be
a contract killer...
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
Although I don't
quite understand
how they are at all similar.
Well, they both have handles.
Now, leave me.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
Fuck! Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
According to the...
- Kubler-Ross.
- Yeah.
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck!
No more speaking lines for you.
"I'm thinking it over!"
Motherfuck!
Fuck!
The hell you doin' here?
Don't you know how to knock?
I thought you saw me...
with your ears.
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
The wall?
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news, sweetie.
I'm very sorry. I am.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
Knowing you.
It was my fault.
I fucking did this.
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
She's gone.
Sweetheart, can you speak up?
It's a little hard to hear you
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
Wade?
- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.
And that is
the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
You're absolutely right.
I'm about to do
something terrible.
There. All caught up.
You can't really live
until you've died a little.
Let's test that theory,
shall we?
Baby factory's open
for business.
Your crazy matches my crazy.
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
Skee-Ball token.
Happy International Women's Day.
Listen,
I've been thinking a lot.
Really?
About why
we're so good together.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Ness?
Ness.
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait, hold on. What?
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait. What do you mean
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
You're broken.
Oh, God. I know that voice.
"Heart's in the right place."
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
You've been sleep
for three days.
I took the liberty
of dressing you.
No shit.
Why can't I fucking die?
Take your mask off, Wade.
We must talk.
You need fresh start.
With training, you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
I'm not X-Man material.
Understatement of the year.
Wade, Yukio.
Yukio, Wade.
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
I like this guy.
Give him a chance.
It's great seeing you like this.
Yeah.
Bye, Wade!
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
"Rule number one. No killing...
"anyone ever, no matter how bad.
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
Wade?
Wade?
Wade!
Don't try to chase me.
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
All these elderly white men
on the walls...
Should have brought
my rape whistle.
Hi.
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
And how would I do that exactly?
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
It's always just you
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
Enough!
I said no touching!
What the fuck?
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
What do those do anyway, huh?
Carry him
three feet off the ground
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no!
I am not X-Man material at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more...
I should have left you
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
Not when convenient or easy.
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
Wait. One of the assholes
who killed Vanessa got away.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Wade, whoever they are...
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uh...
We were gonna be a family.
Wade...
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
This may not be
family you want...
but it's family you need.
You have a good heart.
It belongs here
where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think I'm in the right place.
Wade.
Wade!
Hey, I was just taking Cerebro
for a spin here...
looking deep into the future.
Phew. This thing...
- That's not how Cerebro works.
- That's not how Cerebro works.
Yes. Yes, it is.
- We have mission.
- We have mission.
We do. You do.
You guys be safe out there.
- No, I want you to join.
- No, you want me to join.
I'm sorry, what?
You are ready.
That's a terrible idea,
and it's gonna end badly.
You wanna know how I know?
I'll give you a hint.
It's on my head
and smells like Patrick Stewart.
Be at the X-Jet in five.
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
Live here
at a breaking news situation
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
some sort of an incident...
- with police here behind me.
- Get away from me!
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
- There are open fires.
- Fuck off! Stay back!
A scene of absolute chaos here.
Calm down.
I'll burn you! You stay back!
Get away from me!
You wanna fucking die?
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
Scatter!
With what appears
to be a trainee.
Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
We're the X-Men!
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, Officer.
What are you doing?
My job!
You're the one who said
I was ready,
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
"Please, stop cheating on me."
Hey!
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
Russell belongs in our care.
Not in prison. I assure you...
we have everything
under control.
Stay back! I'll burn you!
Not getting a real
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
I'll ask the questions.
Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
This kid's adorable.
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
I'll burn your balls off!
First day. I'm so nervous!
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
Yeah, probably should've
brought a Super Soaker.
Hi, there!
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
Okay? Let's just talk!
It's Russell, right?
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
Just the fist, or all the
way up to the elbow?
Definitely
all the way up to the elbow.
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
Just stand down!
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
Oh, shit! That fucking does it!
Put your hands behind your knees
and get down on your head! Now!
Wade! What was first rule?
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
- Do not escalate!
- Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite
of what they're meant for!
Fuck! Fine!
I'll start from the beginning.
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
Look, I get it.
All right, you're scared.
Alone.
You got no family.
I didn't have a family, either.
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
I used to live
in a shithole just like it.
But you know something?
To make matters worse...
it's a confusing time
in your life right now.
Your body is going through
some fiery changes.
Too far?
I went too far, didn't I?
That was effervescent.
Stay in school, kid.
Or don't. I didn't.
And I'm an X-Man.
Trainee.
Fuck it!
Superhero landing coming up!
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
That is so not practical.
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
Trainee!
Trainee!
Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power-dampening collar.
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
Thank you!
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action.
We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
Anywhere's better than here.
Believe me, son,
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
Let's get you inside, young man.
No, wait, wait. Wait.
You guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Who?
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
Both of 'em?
Oh, fuck it.
Four or five moments!
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments!
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
People think
you wake up a hero...
brush your teeth a hero...
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
A few moments...
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
No!
Stand down! Hold your fire!
- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!
That kid was abused!
You can tell.
- You can always tell!
- We have rules!
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
Okay, get these guys in the pod.
Take them to the Ice Box.
Hey, baby!
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
Yeah!
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
- Hi.
Go!
Hard left, douchebag.
Please, after you.
Another disgusting mutant
off the streets.
God bless America.
Let's get a taco.
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
Toilet paper
is a plenty fine appetizer.
But, then...
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
That's your main course.
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
Finally, one more pass
with the toilet paper,
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
if you can get you a hair dryer.
Just about 30 seconds
will do you good.
The fuck?
Year?
What?
What year is it?
What kind of dumb-ass
question is that to ask?
You're a long way
from your superpowers.
Yeah.
Fuck!
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted a real super suit.
What happened?
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
Never.
The industry discriminates.
Fuck superheroes.
Fuck everyone.
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
burn the headmaster alive...
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
Who says
prison isn't reformative?
Fucker hates mutants.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
Your abilities.
I know how seductive they are.
Now, please don't cry.
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
and we'll make him our...
What was that?
That is the biggest guy in here.
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
though no one's ever seen it,
they keep a monster
in the basement.
Right next to a huge,
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
Look.
I can't protect you.
With this collar on,
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us a shank.
- Good listening.
- I stole that guard's pen...
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
if you know what I'm saying.
Prison wallet?
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
And to update you
on the story reported earlier,
after a lengthy standoff
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
two mutants were arrested
and transported
to the Ice Box...
Entering repair mode.
Several
police cars were destroyed
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
Psst!
Don't do that.
What? Why are you winking at me?
I got your back.
Oh, my God.
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well, hello there, new fish.
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
I've done some
light catalog work...
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
- I was talking to him.
- Oh.
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
You don't look like much to me.
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
Second biggest guy.
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
No, I didn't! He's my friend!
Zip it. We're not friends.
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
I had so much fun!
You were like...
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
Just let me die in peace.
We make a great team!
Oh, God! We're not a team.
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
We're not partners or friends.
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
There's only one person
in this world
that I care about,
and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
and make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan, I don't know.
All I remember is
he was African-American.
System malfunctioning.
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
Back in your cells, you filthy mutants!
Get in there!
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
Searching.
Cell 04 located.
Door won't open!
On your fucking knees!
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid!
Listen to me! Go!
Hello, Russell.
Hello, superpowers.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
Ooh!
Oh. That's got some zip.
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
Talk!
What kind of
spineless shit stick
tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?
You might wanna start talking!
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
The name's Cable.
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
Oh!
So, you're from the future.
I have three questions then.
One, is dubstep still a thing?
Two, which Sharknado are we on?
And three, at what point
do audiences say...
"Enough with the robotic arms"?
Dubstep's for pussies.
You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
I love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack?
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
Something to remember you by.
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
Why are you protecting the kid?
I don't give a fuck about him...
and his Are You My Mother?
Complex!
What's this one do?
In every film, there's a moment
when the hero hits rock bottom.
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
prized bobsled broke.
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well...
you're looking at it.
On your fucking knees, mutant.
Rock...
meet bottom.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Hey, Ness!
Ness, can you let me in?
Please! Please.
Jesus.
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Then I joined the X-Men.
I went to prison. I, uh...
Is it the kid?
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly what she meant.
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
He's never had anyone, ever.
I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what does that mean?
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
I literally don't know
what that means.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
those muties
are being transferred
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build a fucking team.
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
and young enough
so they can carry
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
My body is an
instrument of death.
Not now, Dopinder.
I could be of great use.
What's your superpower?
- Courage.
- That's adorable.
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry you had to see that,
although I'm glad you heard it.
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
It's time to get back
on Linkedln.
Transport
will begin at 0800 hours...
Oi.
What the fuck do you want?
That's my fucking pudding.
- Fuck your pudding!
- You like pudding?
Hello?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard being the
biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top, eh?
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you out of here.
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
We're a team.
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
Supposedly, she can rap, too.
I like that.
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name! Superpowers?
I can distort
electrical fields.
Including the one
inside your brain...
causing anxiety, confusion...
pain.
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
We can use him.
I'm Zeitgeist.
Cool. I like it.
So you have the power
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
No.
No, I spit acidic vomit.
- Oh.
- Do you want me
- to demonstrate?
- No!
We'll take your word for it.
Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've
all eaten at Arby's, okay?
And this is the Vanisher.
But...
Vanisher!
Nice! Right?
He's not here, is he?
He may be running late.
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
That's good, yeah.
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
How does that, uh, help us?
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
that are worse than me
at everything.
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
Isn't that Canada?
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
- Meet...
- Domino.
- What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
If you're so lucky, then what
are you doing here with us?
I don't know yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that I don't know yet.
But there's a reason
why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
Everything usually
works out for me.
Luck isn't a superpower.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mario No-pez.
- Yeah.
- Nacho cheese.
No, it definitely is.
I really...
There's no way that it...
Sorry, I was interrupting you.
- Sorry. No, I interrupted you.
- No, no, no. You can go first.
Oh, I was just gonna say,
"No, it isn't."
I was gonna just bring it back
to that yes, it is.
Let's meet in the middle
and say, "No, it isn't."
- But it is.
- Okay.
- You're hired!
- You're hired.
Oh, lucky me.
She's great.
And last, but not least...
Peter.
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
No.
I don't have one.
Um, I just saw the ad
and thought it looked fun.
You're in.
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
It's fulfilling work.
Let's go!
This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
We are en route.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
Okay.
People think
they understand pain.
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
These restraints are pretty...
I've got a list.
We're gonna work down it.
Together.
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not
meant to bend.
I'm gonna stop you right there
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
I won't even make it to one.
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
I cried when
they canceled Felicity.
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
I have one right now.
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
I don't want you to hurt me,
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
You all know the plan.
Intercept the convoy,
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
You know what,
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
A little turbulent up here.
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
as many people as melanoma has.
We're getting close!
As a former X-Man...
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
in the group's name.
X-Men! Men!
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
Gender neutral.
From now on,
we'll be known as...
X-Force.
Isn't that a little derivative?
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
That wasn't me.
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
Yeah!
I can't wait to kill!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
You know, you guys look amazing!
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
This is the family
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
Ah, shit.
I just get a little
choked up sometimes.
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
about the high winds?
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
I realize that you're new
to this, but relax.
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.
- I'd like to go home.
- And I'd like...
the McRib to be available
year round,
but sometimes
dreams don't come true.
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
because of a light breeze?
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
Leonard, hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Whoo!
Oh, yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
Whoa!
Little off course here.
Holy mommy fucking shit!
Ah, there they are.
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam!
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
Shatterstar. Okay, you got this.
Left!
Left!
No, stage left, you idiot!
Well, I guess we found something
you're not better at.
Vanisher.
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
Oh! Really?
All right,
we could do this with four.
Sugarbear. You got this, buddy!
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
We did it!
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
X-Force!
X-Force.
Oh!
Peter.
I got you, buddy!
- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
Oh, my God! What the fuck?
Fucking acidic vomit!
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
Okay, I'm over the convoy.
Where did the rest
of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
The good news is,
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
Peter!
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
But there is a slight chance
Vanisher could make it.
- -Nope, no chance. He's dead.
The whole team?
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
Fuck, you are dumb.
Even after all this time,
I still can't talk about it.
Who knew these winds
would be so strong?
Everyone!
Everyone on the helicopter!
And everyone
not on the helicopter!
They're headed into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope,
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
Whatever.
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
Seriously, I don't get it!
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
It's just it's hard to picture.
And certainly
not very cinematic.
I mean, luck?
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
freakshow comic book artist...
came up
with that little chestnut?
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm in.
How in the fuck
are you in already?
Oh, shit.
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
Okay.
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That gun is amazing!
Hey! Asshole!
Where is he? I can't see him.
He's on top of you.
He's going in through the back!
Oh, God, he's inside!
You hear yourself, right?
Accidental double entendres!
Russell! Russell Collins!
Hands off that kid, John Connor!
No, no, no!
Shit!
Two can play that game!
Got it! No, I don't.
Showtime, mama!
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
Hang in there, Doms!
Oh, this is really hard.
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
- You're doing great.
- X-Force.
I guess dubstep never dies.
Whoo!
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
That's unfortunate.
We got no brakes!
Figure it out!
There's nothing I can't kill.
Ooh.
Somebody knows karate.
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
Ow.
Here we go.
Domino, mind slowing us down?
Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
Holy...
I'll be first to admit...
this did not go
according to plan.
I'll also be the first
to admit that
that plan was written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
A mood that is
about to get
significantly worse.
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
Oh.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Russell.
Russell!
Russ, where are ya?
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
Oh, thank God. Oh, my God!
Juggernaut!
I thought that was you!
I should've worn my white pants.
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
X-Men Unlimited 12.
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel...
Oh, no, they're right here.
Got 'em. God, Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
You're not the revenge type.
Take it from a friend.
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
You said it yourself.
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
So I did.
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
Don't you say legs! I know
you're gonna say legs!
- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
You get back here, young man!
Doms!
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
Use my arms as backpack straps.
I think we may have found
your cosmic reason
for being here.
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
X-Force.
No child is hopeless.
Don't give up on the boy.
How could he just walk away?
It was the coldness in his eyes.
You should've heard it.
I guess family
really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, Mama.
Why would I rub your legs?
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
What in the...
Why is your hand so tiny again?
That's not my hand.
Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!
That was nice for me.
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do. Look at you.
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
toddler-style.
Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to
do that, if I were you.
- It's like, um...
- Here we go.
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
but they quit halfway through.
They got the legs out,
and they said,
"You know what, I'm done."
Happy?
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
But this time, you can see
the Muppet's dick.
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
I've had three tickets already.
No, no, no, DP, not again!
This has happened before?
- -Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
The indecision is killing me.
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
Oh. Wow!
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.
Your legs, though, they're cute.
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband...
beat me within
an inch of my life.
He was torturing me!
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
So we can go after him
without me.
No!
I'm doing this alone.
The Juggernaut
- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
- under me.
- What will you do?
I don't care
what the kid did to me.
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
It's really just a sip
of tea at this point.
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
The first order of business is
to get me in front of Cable...
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
He's standing
right behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass?
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
No. It's his "Basic Instinct."
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
Oh, boy!
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
Who gets to make the first joke?
I think we should all
do it at the same time.
Good call.
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
Fuck!
The Proposition has a wonderful
Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
but you unleashed the
Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
We're no longer
accepting applications
for X-Force, unfortunately.
Even if we were...
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
We don't have a lot of time.
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
No offense,
but if you know so much...
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
kill baby Hitler.
I use a device
to slide through time.
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
one to get me home.
Well.
That's just lazy writing.
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
of the orphanage tonight.
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
So he keeps killing...
and killing, and killing,
and killing.
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
My people.
Relax.
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
The difference is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
I'm sorry.
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
She always struggled.
But she was funny...
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
Something I could never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job
to stop people like him.
I came close a few times.
He wasn't too happy about that.
He was trying to hurt me...
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
Sound familiar?
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
No, I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
maybe a small
learning disability...
splash of diabetes...
but nothing that can't be fixed.
If you could go back...
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
Of course I fucking would!
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
would want you to do the
right thing, wouldn't she?
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
Give me a chance to save him.
- What?
- You said...
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him
before that happens...
promise you'll give me a chance
to put him on a different path.
Define "chance."
I don't know.
How long does it take
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
I'll give you 30 seconds.
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
He's doing it!
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
There he goes.
Jesus Christ!
Just shirt-cocking it.
Ugh.
There you go, little fella.
Go on, you're doing it!
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
Christ!
That's disturbing.
30 seconds.
- Deal.
- Deal.
I have no idea what's happening.
Probably for the best.
And that is why
you never eat a raw starfish.
It's just common sense.
Where the hell are we going?
You said it yourself.
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You'll do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
What the hell are you...?
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
I am so sorry. It gets better.
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
Tell that to Black Tom.
He was like a brother to me.
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
And that's a twist.
So what exactly do you
do in the future, anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah, something like that.
I was a soldier. Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
Boom!
Spoiler alert.
Planets.
Next time, Uber.
Here's a spoiler alert.
You're not a fucking hero.
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
Well, I got news for you.
My heart is in the right place.
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
Because of you, I'll always know
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
I should've finished college.
Right here!
I made mistakes!
I wanna take them back!
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
and turned it into a glory hole
in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
Colossus!
I wouldn't ask for your help
unless it was life or death!
That kid needs our help!
I know you're listening!
He's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
The Juggernaut!
That's like my favorite
Marvel character ever,
but you should never
meet your heroes...
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
And like a lot of dicks,
he's as hard as a rock...
and causes nothing but problems!
- Hi, Wade!
- Hi, Yukio!
Please don't.
You guys make
a super cute couple.
Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah!
Colossus! Look, I don't deserve
your friendship or your help.
But this kid does.
And I'm not gonna bail on him
like everyone else.
Oh, come on!
Any chance Pigeon Wings
is available?
That's just fine! That's fine!
No! You know what?
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
while we go get our fuck on!
You're doing great.
So you wear that helmet because
your brother
tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.
Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
He's not alone.
Secure the children.
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
I finally know why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.
Yeah!
Hey! Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
I have a gluten sensitivity.
So one glass of wine, I just...
Yeah.
Wish we could head back in time,
and I could take all that back.
We should just cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
Russell!
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
That's why!
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos! We have
a deal and you fuck...
Hey!
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
My body and my hands
are so soft.
You should probably
head back to the car.
I think I'll head
back to the car.
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
That gun is amazing!
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
Gotcha!
Beat it, midget!
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
Oh, shit fuck!
Come here, beautiful.
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you,
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
That's such a you thing to say!
Go get him, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up!
He's doing great.
Say it!
- Russell.
- Bingo!
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
Oh, great!
There they are! Those freaks!
A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
Can I have one of those guns?
- No.
- That's fine.
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
I'm just gonna use this brick.
Maximum effort.
Who says you can't
go home again?
Oh!
Yeah!
Say it.
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
Blessed are the wicked...
who are healed...
by my hand.
You commie motherfucker!
Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
Now we're getting it.
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
Orphans.
Oh, geez.
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
Russell! Wait!
Oh!
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
- What more do you need to see?
- Don't you fucking dare!
He's just a kid!
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
- I told you! Leave me alone!
- Come on!
Listen to me!
That's how we do it
in Mother Russia.
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
Oh, no. You're doing amazing.
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
Go home, Wade!
You're ruining everything!
I'm getting good at this shit.
Go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade.
You can't stop me!
He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait! Please,
just give me a second!
I got this.
- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
That piece of shit...
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
But if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
How do you know what I want?
Because I've been inside you.
That came out wrong.
I've been inside your shoes.
Which is also off-putting.
It's not a great analogy.
The point is...
there are people...
There are people
in this fucking world...
besides him,
who will treat you right.
It isn't too late. Don't do it.
I never should've left
you there.
I never should've left you
in that prison.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
Wonderful kid.
You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
Wade, what are you doing?
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
You're gonna kill
someone today...
Blessed are the wicked...
then it's gotta be me.
Who are healed by my hand!
Fuck this!
The sun will
come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow
There'll be sun
When I'm stuck with a day
that's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin
and grin and say
The sun
will come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on
till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
You're always a day away
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
Oh, that's not good.
No, sir.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
Yeah.
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
I told you I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
Hey.
The bear.
It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade, because of you.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop!
Just let it happen, okay?
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
That riddle is so fucked up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't be. Don't be.
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
Please, just don't leave me.
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
We are not going anywhere.
Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
Just rest, okay?
Papa.
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you find me
in the night?
Before I go...
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
Domino.
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
It has been a pleasure.
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
And you...
Chrome Bone.
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
But you've always been
that to me.
So thank you.
Say "fuck" for me.
Just once. Come on,
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
Fuck.
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
And you, Cable.
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
That you'll start
judging people...
not by the color of their skin,
but by the content
of their character.
- Jesus.
- R-Dog?
There you are. Hey!
You're a superhero now, bubba.
Look.
Family is not an F-word.
All right?
There's one out there for you.
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys, for a second there...
we made a pretty good team.
Oh, it's so hard to go.
I just love being around
you guys so much.
So, so much.
Mmm.
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
Yeah.
Can you see it?
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
Oh, that's the sun.
Don't stare directly into that.
I just have a few final words.
Woodpecker.
Gingivitis.
Codswallop.
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today's another day
to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming
for your love, okay?
Take on me
Take me on
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
- No.
- No.
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
Slowly learning
that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe
than sorry
Take on me
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean it's not time?
I'm here, I made it.
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
- They need you.
- Who?
Your F-word.
Why?
You'll find out.
It's all right. I'll be here.
I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Go.
Hey!
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Don't fuck Elvis.
- Don't fuck Colossus.
- What?
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
Hey. Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
Her name's Hope.
Well...
What are you doing?
Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
It would seem I...
Huh?
Genuine, high-grade lead.
You time-sliding son of a bitch!
You did this for me?
Wait. You can't go back.
You used the last of your fuel.
What about your girl, your wife?
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
and make sure the world
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
No. You did it for me.
No, I didn't.
- You did.
- I really didn't.
- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
Say it again.
- He did it for me.
- Jesus.
- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.
These collars
don't just come off.
Wade.
I have an idea.
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
We need the code.
Try, uh, seven?
Settle down, Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number.
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
I still got it.
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
I don't know how to thank you.
But I do know how to hug you.
- No.
- Yes.
Here we go. Bring it in.
Come on.
Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tip to tip.
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
Is there a knife in my dick?
- There's a knife in your dick.
- I'm just gonna back up now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv!
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
We're better than him!
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
We'll let karma
take care of him.
The day of reckoning is here!
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
Whoo!
Courage, motherfuckers!
And karma, motherfucker.
I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
I could barely keep
a straight face.
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Good call. You guys
coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
Besides, we're X-Men.
No, you're X-People.
You're exhausting.
I see what you did there. Puns.
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
What do you get
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
one pinch of courage...
a cup of good luck...
a dab of racism...
a splash of diabetes...
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
If there's anything
you take away today...
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
How something so small generates
enough energy
to reverse time is...
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
Never heard of him.
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
don't I? A good day.
Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!
That was probably a bad idea.
What have we done?
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
I'll be right back!
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
Whoo!
Peter!
Whoo! X-Force!
Walk away! Just walk away!
But we're X-Force!
Nope! We're not,
there's no X-Force!
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
Wade, is that you?
I guess Stryker finally
figured out how to shut you up.
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch!
Just cleaning up the timelines!
Love you!
Welcome to the big leagues, kid.
You're welcome, Canada.
Fuck Wolverine.
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
What a dick.
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
I'm dying in this one, too.
To understand
why I took a cat-nap
on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
I need to take you back
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
I'd gone international,
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
unspeakable monsters.
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
I'm gonna touch them all over.
Hey, it's Gail calling.
Love the shiny suit.
Really brings out
the sex trafficker in your eyes.
I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
But I did take
8th grade Spanish, so...
Which literally translates to...
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...
I'll take
a cranberry-grapefruit vodka.
I know it's called a Sea Breeze.
Don't make me say it.
Hit it, Dolly.
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
Whoo! Do not go in there!
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out!
Time out!
Cut. Got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
Oh, that's so gross.
Fuck.
Scoutmaster Kevin?
Too exotic?
My world tour brought me home
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
But that's where you'd be wrong.
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
But this guy?
He was one of the worst of 'em.
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
Ugh. So gross.
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
Over and over,
I hear people say,
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
It's something you create.
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
A sense of confidence is nothing
but a sense of power
within yourself...
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
Start the car!
Start the fucking car!
Dopinder!
Start the fucking car!
- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.
Actually, that may have been me.
Oh, mission accomplished?
Well, in a George W.
Sort of way.
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
and who'da thought?
Now I'm talked about in the
same sentence as Jesus.
Passion of the Christ, then me.
At least domestically.
We beat them overseas,
where there's no such thing
as religion.
I do want to live the dreams,
Pool Boy.
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
Can't maintain an erection
without buying shoes online?
I've never experienced
that last one.
Talk to me, Goose.
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
You never cease to surprise me.
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
We all need
a sense of belonging.
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
A place in this world.
I want to become
a contract killer.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
and threatened him
with great violence?
You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed
10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
for the first time...
and she looked up at his smooth,
handsome face and said...
"I want some more."
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not picture that.
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
as soon as possible.
We're here.
You're my Tom Cruise!
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
- and I had to, uh...
- Uh-uh.
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
No.
Traffic?
Hmm?
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
Don't you want your surprise?
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
I got one for you, too.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Open, open, open.
Skee-Ball token.
Our first date.
Yup.
That's genuine, high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
Oh...
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
I don't know what this is.
My IUD.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
What, you mean that your...
Baby factory's open
for business.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
Like Cher or Todd.
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
Papa...
Can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
May.
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family was always
an F-word to me.
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
to draw off of for Todd.
Hey. Look at me.
You are not your father.
Besides...
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
But here's the thing,
isn't that how it always works?
Like in Star Wars,
men are destined
to become their father...
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
It's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a "K"!
No, too stripper-y, too.
Uh, Earl!
He's gonna go straight to jail
if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
No.
Get down.
What?
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
Please.
Please. Please.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No!
Papa, can you hear me?
Is it just me, or does
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
sound suspiciously like
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
From Yentl?
Papa, can you hear me?
And nobody fucking realizes it.
Go home. You've been here
for three days, okay?
You smell like somebody shit
in a Civil War wound...
after it had become gangrenous.
They should've just
amputated it. Why shit in it?
Doesn't make any sense.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
An ocean is water.
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right.
I'm never
gonna dance again. Fuck!
He's dead, too.
At least we still have Bowie.
Yeah. We still have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot,
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
Are you pissing? Are you
urinating right now?
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!
There you go, Dopinder.
If you want to be
a contract killer...
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
Although I don't
quite understand
how they are at all similar.
Well, they both have handles.
Now, leave me.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
Fuck! Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
According to the...
- Kubler-Ross.
- Yeah.
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck!
No more speaking lines for you.
"I'm thinking it over!"
Motherfuck!
Fuck!
The hell you doin' here?
Don't you know how to knock?
I thought you saw me...
with your ears.
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
The wall?
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news, sweetie.
I'm very sorry. I am.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
Knowing you.
It was my fault.
I fucking did this.
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
She's gone.
Sweetheart, can you speak up?
It's a little hard to hear you
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
Wade?
- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.
And that is
the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
You're absolutely right.
I'm about to do
something terrible.
There. All caught up.
You can't really live
until you've died a little.
Let's test that theory,
shall we?
Baby factory's open
for business.
Your crazy matches my crazy.
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
Skee-Ball token.
Happy International Women's Day.
Listen,
I've been thinking a lot.
Really?
About why
we're so good together.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Ness?
Ness.
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait, hold on. What?
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait. What do you mean
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
You're broken.
Oh, God. I know that voice.
"Heart's in the right place."
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
You've been sleep
for three days.
I took the liberty
of dressing you.
No shit.
Why can't I fucking die?
Take your mask off, Wade.
We must talk.
You need fresh start.
With training, you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
I'm not X-Man material.
Understatement of the year.
Wade, Yukio.
Yukio, Wade.
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
I like this guy.
Give him a chance.
It's great seeing you like this.
Yeah.
Bye, Wade!
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
"Rule number one. No killing...
"anyone ever, no matter how bad.
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
Wade?
Wade?
Wade!
Don't try to chase me.
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
All these elderly white men
on the walls...
Should have brought
my rape whistle.
Hi.
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
And how would I do that exactly?
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
It's always just you
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
Enough!
I said no touching!
What the fuck?
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
What do those do anyway, huh?
Carry him
three feet off the ground
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no!
I am not X-Man material at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more...
I should have left you
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
Not when convenient or easy.
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
Wait. One of the assholes
who killed Vanessa got away.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Wade, whoever they are...
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uh...
We were gonna be a family.
Wade...
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
This may not be
family you want...
but it's family you need.
You have a good heart.
It belongs here
where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think I'm in the right place.
Wade.
Wade!
Hey, I was just taking Cerebro
for a spin here...
looking deep into the future.
Phew. This thing...
- That's not how Cerebro works.
- That's not how Cerebro works.
Yes. Yes, it is.
- We have mission.
- We have mission.
We do. You do.
You guys be safe out there.
- No, I want you to join.
- No, you want me to join.
I'm sorry, what?
You are ready.
That's a terrible idea,
and it's gonna end badly.
You wanna know how I know?
I'll give you a hint.
It's on my head
and smells like Patrick Stewart.
Be at the X-Jet in five.
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
Live here
at a breaking news situation
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
some sort of an incident...
- with police here behind me.
- Get away from me!
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
- There are open fires.
- Fuck off! Stay back!
A scene of absolute chaos here.
Calm down.
I'll burn you! You stay back!
Get away from me!
You wanna fucking die?
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
Scatter!
With what appears
to be a trainee.
Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
We're the X-Men!
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, Officer.
What are you doing?
My job!
You're the one who said
I was ready,
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
"Please, stop cheating on me."
Hey!
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
Russell belongs in our care.
Not in prison. I assure you...
we have everything
under control.
Stay back! I'll burn you!
Not getting a real
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
I'll ask the questions.
Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
This kid's adorable.
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
I'll burn your balls off!
First day. I'm so nervous!
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
Yeah, probably should've
brought a Super Soaker.
Hi, there!
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
Okay? Let's just talk!
It's Russell, right?
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
Just the fist, or all the
way up to the elbow?
Definitely
all the way up to the elbow.
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
Just stand down!
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
Oh, shit! That fucking does it!
Put your hands behind your knees
and get down on your head! Now!
Wade! What was first rule?
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
- Do not escalate!
- Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite
of what they're meant for!
Fuck! Fine!
I'll start from the beginning.
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
Look, I get it.
All right, you're scared.
Alone.
You got no family.
I didn't have a family, either.
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
I used to live
in a shithole just like it.
But you know something?
To make matters worse...
it's a confusing time
in your life right now.
Your body is going through
some fiery changes.
Too far?
I went too far, didn't I?
That was effervescent.
Stay in school, kid.
Or don't. I didn't.
And I'm an X-Man.
Trainee.
Fuck it!
Superhero landing coming up!
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
That is so not practical.
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
Trainee!
Trainee!
Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power-dampening collar.
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
Thank you!
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action.
We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
Anywhere's better than here.
Believe me, son,
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
Let's get you inside, young man.
No, wait, wait. Wait.
You guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Who?
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
Both of 'em?
Oh, fuck it.
Four or five moments!
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments!
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
People think
you wake up a hero...
brush your teeth a hero...
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
A few moments...
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
No!
Stand down! Hold your fire!
- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!
That kid was abused!
You can tell.
- You can always tell!
- We have rules!
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
Okay, get these guys in the pod.
Take them to the Ice Box.
Hey, baby!
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
Yeah!
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
- Hi.
Go!
Hard left, douchebag.
Please, after you.
Another disgusting mutant
off the streets.
God bless America.
Let's get a taco.
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
Toilet paper
is a plenty fine appetizer.
But, then...
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
That's your main course.
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
Finally, one more pass
with the toilet paper,
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
if you can get you a hair dryer.
Just about 30 seconds
will do you good.
The fuck?
Year?
What?
What year is it?
What kind of dumb-ass
question is that to ask?
You're a long way
from your superpowers.
Yeah.
Fuck!
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted a real super suit.
What happened?
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
Never.
The industry discriminates.
Fuck superheroes.
Fuck everyone.
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
burn the headmaster alive...
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
Who says
prison isn't reformative?
Fucker hates mutants.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
Your abilities.
I know how seductive they are.
Now, please don't cry.
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
and we'll make him our...
What was that?
That is the biggest guy in here.
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
though no one's ever seen it,
they keep a monster
in the basement.
Right next to a huge,
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
Look.
I can't protect you.
With this collar on,
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us a shank.
- Good listening.
- I stole that guard's pen...
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
if you know what I'm saying.
Prison wallet?
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
And to update you
on the story reported earlier,
after a lengthy standoff
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
two mutants were arrested
and transported
to the Ice Box...
Entering repair mode.
Several
police cars were destroyed
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
Psst!
Don't do that.
What? Why are you winking at me?
I got your back.
Oh, my God.
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well, hello there, new fish.
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
I've done some
light catalog work...
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
- I was talking to him.
- Oh.
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
You don't look like much to me.
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
Second biggest guy.
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
No, I didn't! He's my friend!
Zip it. We're not friends.
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
I had so much fun!
You were like...
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
Just let me die in peace.
We make a great team!
Oh, God! We're not a team.
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
We're not partners or friends.
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
There's only one person
in this world
that I care about,
and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
and make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan, I don't know.
All I remember is
he was African-American.
System malfunctioning.
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
Back in your cells, you filthy mutants!
Get in there!
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
Searching.
Cell 04 located.
Door won't open!
On your fucking knees!
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid!
Listen to me! Go!
Hello, Russell.
Hello, superpowers.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
Ooh!
Oh. That's got some zip.
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
Talk!
What kind of
spineless shit stick
tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?
You might wanna start talking!
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
The name's Cable.
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
Oh!
So, you're from the future.
I have three questions then.
One, is dubstep still a thing?
Two, which Sharknado are we on?
And three, at what point
do audiences say...
"Enough with the robotic arms"?
Dubstep's for pussies.
You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
I love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack?
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
Something to remember you by.
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
Why are you protecting the kid?
I don't give a fuck about him...
and his Are You My Mother?
Complex!
What's this one do?
In every film, there's a moment
when the hero hits rock bottom.
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
prized bobsled broke.
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well...
you're looking at it.
On your fucking knees, mutant.
Rock...
meet bottom.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Hey, Ness!
Ness, can you let me in?
Please! Please.
Jesus.
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Then I joined the X-Men.
I went to prison. I, uh...
Is it the kid?
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly what she meant.
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
He's never had anyone, ever.
I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what does that mean?
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
I literally don't know
what that means.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
those muties
are being transferred
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build a fucking team.
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
and young enough
so they can carry
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
My body is an
instrument of death.
Not now, Dopinder.
I could be of great use.
What's your superpower?
- Courage.
- That's adorable.
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry you had to see that,
although I'm glad you heard it.
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
It's time to get back
on Linkedln.
Transport
will begin at 0800 hours...
Oi.
What the fuck do you want?
That's my fucking pudding.
- Fuck your pudding!
- You like pudding?
Hello?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard being the
biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top, eh?
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you out of here.
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
We're a team.
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
Supposedly, she can rap, too.
I like that.
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name! Superpowers?
I can distort
electrical fields.
Including the one
inside your brain...
causing anxiety, confusion...
pain.
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
We can use him.
I'm Zeitgeist.
Cool. I like it.
So you have the power
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
No.
No, I spit acidic vomit.
- Oh.
- Do you want me
- to demonstrate?
- No!
We'll take your word for it.
Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've
all eaten at Arby's, okay?
And this is the Vanisher.
But...
Vanisher!
Nice! Right?
He's not here, is he?
He may be running late.
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
That's good, yeah.
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
How does that, uh, help us?
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
that are worse than me
at everything.
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
Isn't that Canada?
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
- Meet...
- Domino.
- What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
If you're so lucky, then what
are you doing here with us?
I don't know yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that I don't know yet.
But there's a reason
why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
Everything usually
works out for me.
Luck isn't a superpower.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mario No-pez.
- Yeah.
- Nacho cheese.
No, it definitely is.
I really...
There's no way that it...
Sorry, I was interrupting you.
- Sorry. No, I interrupted you.
- No, no, no. You can go first.
Oh, I was just gonna say,
"No, it isn't."
I was gonna just bring it back
to that yes, it is.
Let's meet in the middle
and say, "No, it isn't."
- But it is.
- Okay.
- You're hired!
- You're hired.
Oh, lucky me.
She's great.
And last, but not least...
Peter.
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
No.
I don't have one.
Um, I just saw the ad
and thought it looked fun.
You're in.
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
It's fulfilling work.
Let's go!
This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
We are en route.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
Okay.
People think
they understand pain.
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
These restraints are pretty...
I've got a list.
We're gonna work down it.
Together.
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not
meant to bend.
I'm gonna stop you right there
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
I won't even make it to one.
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
I cried when
they canceled Felicity.
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
I have one right now.
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
I don't want you to hurt me,
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
You all know the plan.
Intercept the convoy,
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
You know what,
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
A little turbulent up here.
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
as many people as melanoma has.
We're getting close!
As a former X-Man...
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
in the group's name.
X-Men! Men!
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
Gender neutral.
From now on,
we'll be known as...
X-Force.
Isn't that a little derivative?
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
That wasn't me.
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
Yeah!
I can't wait to kill!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
You know, you guys look amazing!
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
This is the family
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
Ah, shit.
I just get a little
choked up sometimes.
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
about the high winds?
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
I realize that you're new
to this, but relax.
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.
- I'd like to go home.
- And I'd like...
the McRib to be available
year round,
but sometimes
dreams don't come true.
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
because of a light breeze?
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
Leonard, hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Whoo!
Oh, yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
Whoa!
Little off course here.
Holy mommy fucking shit!
Ah, there they are.
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam!
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
Shatterstar. Okay, you got this.
Left!
Left!
No, stage left, you idiot!
Well, I guess we found something
you're not better at.
Vanisher.
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
Oh! Really?
All right,
we could do this with four.
Sugarbear. You got this, buddy!
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
We did it!
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
X-Force!
X-Force.
Oh!
Peter.
I got you, buddy!
- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
Oh, my God! What the fuck?
Fucking acidic vomit!
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
Okay, I'm over the convoy.
Where did the rest
of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
The good news is,
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
Peter!
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
But there is a slight chance
Vanisher could make it.
- -Nope, no chance. He's dead.
The whole team?
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
Fuck, you are dumb.
Even after all this time,
I still can't talk about it.
Who knew these winds
would be so strong?
Everyone!
Everyone on the helicopter!
And everyone
not on the helicopter!
They're headed into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope,
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
Whatever.
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
Seriously, I don't get it!
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
It's just it's hard to picture.
And certainly
not very cinematic.
I mean, luck?
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
freakshow comic book artist...
came up
with that little chestnut?
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm in.
How in the fuck
are you in already?
Oh, shit.
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
Okay.
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That gun is amazing!
Hey! Asshole!
Where is he? I can't see him.
He's on top of you.
He's going in through the back!
Oh, God, he's inside!
You hear yourself, right?
Accidental double entendres!
Russell! Russell Collins!
Hands off that kid, John Connor!
No, no, no!
Shit!
Two can play that game!
Got it! No, I don't.
Showtime, mama!
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
Hang in there, Doms!
Oh, this is really hard.
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
- You're doing great.
- X-Force.
I guess dubstep never dies.
Whoo!
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
That's unfortunate.
We got no brakes!
Figure it out!
There's nothing I can't kill.
Ooh.
Somebody knows karate.
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
Ow.
Here we go.
Domino, mind slowing us down?
Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
Holy...
I'll be first to admit...
this did not go
according to plan.
I'll also be the first
to admit that
that plan was written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
A mood that is
about to get
significantly worse.
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
Oh.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Russell.
Russell!
Russ, where are ya?
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
Oh, thank God. Oh, my God!
Juggernaut!
I thought that was you!
I should've worn my white pants.
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
X-Men Unlimited 12.
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel...
Oh, no, they're right here.
Got 'em. God, Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
You're not the revenge type.
Take it from a friend.
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
You said it yourself.
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
So I did.
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
Don't you say legs! I know
you're gonna say legs!
- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
You get back here, young man!
Doms!
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
Use my arms as backpack straps.
I think we may have found
your cosmic reason
for being here.
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
X-Force.
No child is hopeless.
Don't give up on the boy.
How could he just walk away?
It was the coldness in his eyes.
You should've heard it.
I guess family
really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, Mama.
Why would I rub your legs?
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
What in the...
Why is your hand so tiny again?
That's not my hand.
Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!
That was nice for me.
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do. Look at you.
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
toddler-style.
Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to
do that, if I were you.
- It's like, um...
- Here we go.
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
but they quit halfway through.
They got the legs out,
and they said,
"You know what, I'm done."
Happy?
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
But this time, you can see
the Muppet's dick.
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
I've had three tickets already.
No, no, no, DP, not again!
This has happened before?
- -Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
The indecision is killing me.
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
Oh. Wow!
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.
Your legs, though, they're cute.
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband...
beat me within
an inch of my life.
He was torturing me!
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
So we can go after him
without me.
No!
I'm doing this alone.
The Juggernaut
- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
- under me.
- What will you do?
I don't care
what the kid did to me.
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
It's really just a sip
of tea at this point.
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
The first order of business is
to get me in front of Cable...
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
He's standing
right behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass?
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
No. It's his "Basic Instinct."
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
Oh, boy!
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
Who gets to make the first joke?
I think we should all
do it at the same time.
Good call.
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
Fuck!
The Proposition has a wonderful
Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
but you unleashed the
Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
We're no longer
accepting applications
for X-Force, unfortunately.
Even if we were...
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
We don't have a lot of time.
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
No offense,
but if you know so much...
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
kill baby Hitler.
I use a device
to slide through time.
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
one to get me home.
Well.
That's just lazy writing.
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
of the orphanage tonight.
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
So he keeps killing...
and killing, and killing,
and killing.
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
My people.
Relax.
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
The difference is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
I'm sorry.
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
She always struggled.
But she was funny...
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
Something I could never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job
to stop people like him.
I came close a few times.
He wasn't too happy about that.
He was trying to hurt me...
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
Sound familiar?
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
No, I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
maybe a small
learning disability...
splash of diabetes...
but nothing that can't be fixed.
If you could go back...
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
Of course I fucking would!
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
would want you to do the
right thing, wouldn't she?
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
Give me a chance to save him.
- What?
- You said...
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him
before that happens...
promise you'll give me a chance
to put him on a different path.
Define "chance."
I don't know.
How long does it take
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
I'll give you 30 seconds.
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
He's doing it!
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
There he goes.
Jesus Christ!
Just shirt-cocking it.
Ugh.
There you go, little fella.
Go on, you're doing it!
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
Christ!
That's disturbing.
30 seconds.
- Deal.
- Deal.
I have no idea what's happening.
Probably for the best.
And that is why
you never eat a raw starfish.
It's just common sense.
Where the hell are we going?
You said it yourself.
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You'll do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
What the hell are you...?
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
I am so sorry. It gets better.
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
Tell that to Black Tom.
He was like a brother to me.
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
And that's a twist.
So what exactly do you
do in the future, anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah, something like that.
I was a soldier. Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
Boom!
Spoiler alert.
Planets.
Next time, Uber.
Here's a spoiler alert.
You're not a fucking hero.
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
Well, I got news for you.
My heart is in the right place.
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
Because of you, I'll always know
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
I should've finished college.
Right here!
I made mistakes!
I wanna take them back!
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
and turned it into a glory hole
in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
Colossus!
I wouldn't ask for your help
unless it was life or death!
That kid needs our help!
I know you're listening!
He's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
The Juggernaut!
That's like my favorite
Marvel character ever,
but you should never
meet your heroes...
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
And like a lot of dicks,
he's as hard as a rock...
and causes nothing but problems!
- Hi, Wade!
- Hi, Yukio!
Please don't.
You guys make
a super cute couple.
Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah!
Colossus! Look, I don't deserve
your friendship or your help.
But this kid does.
And I'm not gonna bail on him
like everyone else.
Oh, come on!
Any chance Pigeon Wings
is available?
That's just fine! That's fine!
No! You know what?
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
while we go get our fuck on!
You're doing great.
So you wear that helmet because
your brother
tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.
Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
He's not alone.
Secure the children.
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
I finally know why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.
Yeah!
Hey! Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
I have a gluten sensitivity.
So one glass of wine, I just...
Yeah.
Wish we could head back in time,
and I could take all that back.
We should just cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
Russell!
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
That's why!
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos! We have
a deal and you fuck...
Hey!
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
My body and my hands
are so soft.
You should probably
head back to the car.
I think I'll head
back to the car.
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
That gun is amazing!
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
Gotcha!
Beat it, midget!
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
Oh, shit fuck!
Come here, beautiful.
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you,
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
That's such a you thing to say!
Go get him, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up!
He's doing great.
Say it!
- Russell.
- Bingo!
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
Oh, great!
There they are! Those freaks!
A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
Can I have one of those guns?
- No.
- That's fine.
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
I'm just gonna use this brick.
Maximum effort.
Who says you can't
go home again?
Oh!
Yeah!
Say it.
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
Blessed are the wicked...
who are healed...
by my hand.
You commie motherfucker!
Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
Now we're getting it.
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
Orphans.
Oh, geez.
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
Russell! Wait!
Oh!
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
- What more do you need to see?
- Don't you fucking dare!
He's just a kid!
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
- I told you! Leave me alone!
- Come on!
Listen to me!
That's how we do it
in Mother Russia.
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
Oh, no. You're doing amazing.
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
Go home, Wade!
You're ruining everything!
I'm getting good at this shit.
Go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade.
You can't stop me!
He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait! Please,
just give me a second!
I got this.
- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
That piece of shit...
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
But if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
How do you know what I want?
Because I've been inside you.
That came out wrong.
I've been inside your shoes.
Which is also off-putting.
It's not a great analogy.
The point is...
there are people...
There are people
in this fucking world...
besides him,
who will treat you right.
It isn't too late. Don't do it.
I never should've left
you there.
I never should've left you
in that prison.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
Wonderful kid.
You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
Wade, what are you doing?
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
You're gonna kill
someone today...
Blessed are the wicked...
then it's gotta be me.
Who are healed by my hand!
Fuck this!
The sun will
come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow
There'll be sun
When I'm stuck with a day
that's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin
and grin and say
The sun
will come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on
till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
You're always a day away
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
Oh, that's not good.
No, sir.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
Yeah.
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
I told you I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
Hey.
The bear.
It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade, because of you.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop!
Just let it happen, okay?
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
That riddle is so fucked up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't be. Don't be.
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
Please, just don't leave me.
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
We are not going anywhere.
Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
Just rest, okay?
Papa.
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you find me
in the night?
Before I go...
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
Domino.
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
It has been a pleasure.
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
And you...
Chrome Bone.
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
But you've always been
that to me.
So thank you.
Say "fuck" for me.
Just once. Come on,
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
Fuck.
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
And you, Cable.
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
That you'll start
judging people...
not by the color of their skin,
but by the content
of their character.
- Jesus.
- R-Dog?
There you are. Hey!
You're a superhero now, bubba.
Look.
Family is not an F-word.
All right?
There's one out there for you.
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys, for a second there...
we made a pretty good team.
Oh, it's so hard to go.
I just love being around
you guys so much.
So, so much.
Mmm.
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
Yeah.
Can you see it?
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
Oh, that's the sun.
Don't stare directly into that.
I just have a few final words.
Woodpecker.
Gingivitis.
Codswallop.
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today's another day
to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming
for your love, okay?
Take on me
Take me on
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
- No.
- No.
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
Slowly learning
that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe
than sorry
Take on me
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean it's not time?
I'm here, I made it.
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
- They need you.
- Who?
Your F-word.
Why?
You'll find out.
It's all right. I'll be here.
I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Go.
Hey!
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Don't fuck Elvis.
- Don't fuck Colossus.
- What?
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
Hey. Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
Her name's Hope.
Well...
What are you doing?
Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
It would seem I...
Huh?
Genuine, high-grade lead.
You time-sliding son of a bitch!
You did this for me?
Wait. You can't go back.
You used the last of your fuel.
What about your girl, your wife?
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
and make sure the world
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
No. You did it for me.
No, I didn't.
- You did.
- I really didn't.
- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
Say it again.
- He did it for me.
- Jesus.
- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.
These collars
don't just come off.
Wade.
I have an idea.
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
We need the code.
Try, uh, seven?
Settle down, Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number.
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
I still got it.
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
I don't know how to thank you.
But I do know how to hug you.
- No.
- Yes.
Here we go. Bring it in.
Come on.
Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tip to tip.
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
Is there a knife in my dick?
- There's a knife in your dick.
- I'm just gonna back up now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv!
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
We're better than him!
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
We'll let karma
take care of him.
The day of reckoning is here!
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
Whoo!
Courage, motherfuckers!
And karma, motherfucker.
I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
I could barely keep
a straight face.
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Good call. You guys
coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
Besides, we're X-Men.
No, you're X-People.
You're exhausting.
I see what you did there. Puns.
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
What do you get
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
one pinch of courage...
a cup of good luck...
a dab of racism...
a splash of diabetes...
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
If there's anything
you take away today...
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
How something so small generates
enough energy
to reverse time is...
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
Never heard of him.
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
don't I? A good day.
Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!
That was probably a bad idea.
What have we done?
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
I'll be right back!
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
Whoo!
Peter!
Whoo! X-Force!
Walk away! Just walk away!
But we're X-Force!
Nope! We're not,
there's no X-Force!
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
Wade, is that you?
I guess Stryker finally
figured out how to shut you up.
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch!
Just cleaning up the timelines!
Love you!
Welcome to the big leagues, kid.
You're welcome, Canada.