Dear Elizabeth (2022) Movie Script
1
I'll put it down. Ok.
Ok. Thank you very much.
Ok. Bye-bye.
Ahh!
Ah!
Oh, awesome.
It's Sarah getz,
reunion co-chair.
I just checked
and there's no sid straw
on Facebook, Twitter
or Instagram.
You're not even on LinkedIn.
Are you a real person?
Assuming you are, you need
to get on social media pronto.
All of our coordinating
will be done on Facebook.
It is going to be epic.
hey, you got me
over the edge...
I'm over my head...
over my head...
Duncan lambert.
You have not aged
a day since college.
- You haven't!
- No, I Know!
Then I saw
your name on Facebook
and I was like, "come on!"
What a perfect time
to get back in touch.
I'm So surprised
that you are the co-chair.
Yeah, of the penn reunion.
Isn't that cool?
-The west coast reunion.
-The west coast reunion, yeah.
Wow.
You know, when I saw
you on Facebook...
Yeah.
..I just assumed that you would,
you know, be married by now.
No, I've had...I've had a bit
of a dry spell with the ladies.
You know what? Get the apps.
-I can't do the apps.
-Swipe the swipes.
That stresses me out big-time.
Do you know,
I was thinking today,
what was the name
of the character
that you always called me
during our college improvs?
Christopher p. Bacon.
That's it! That's it!
I was trying to think of it
and I couldn't remember it.
That was So fun, man.
That was So fun.
Those days are over.
No, we should do that again.
-We should. That was fun.
-We should do that again.
-That was fun.
-That was fun.
-A lot more fun.
-Do you have my number?
-Facebook, buddy.
-Facebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Facebook.
You can expense this, right?
Yes, of course
I can expense this.
-Great.
-Yes, yes, yes. I'll send you...
I guess you can send a message
on there or something
and we can...We can
figure something out.
-Yes!
-Yeah.
-Yes!
-Thank... this was fun.
Um...
This was fun.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sam 'holla'!
Hi, sid.
I suppose you like
your coffee strong and black.
I was in this comedy
improv group in college
and we used to do this bit
where I would say a word
that clearly wasn't racist,
but then it was
kind of close enough...
I get the gist. You almost done?
Yeah, the key is
to catch what comes out
in the first
three and a half seconds
and then the rest
is just brown water.
You mind? I have
a conference call in five.
No, not at all. No, no, no.
You're good, you're good.
Sorry, I'm just gonna...
There we go.
Hey, I saw you were
on Facebook, actually.
I just signed up.
Should I friend you?
I have this new policy
where I...I keep
my Facebook separate
from coworkers.
Oh. I saw Bruce
on there, though.
-Bruce is not a coworker.
-Mm-hmm.
-He's...he's the boss, So...
-Uh-huh.
I saw Burke and Jeanne,
though, too.
Yeah, they were already
friends of mine
before I implemented the policy.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's probably good.
Good to keep the focus
on what we have here.
-Right.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And I'm just gonna go...
-Yeah, yeah.
-..There.
-Yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'm right behind you.
I'll just grab my pods.
Wow.
Look at you. Look at you.
Oh, that's So cool.
No way!
That's me.
Oh!
Hey, Jeanne!
Did I ever tell you
that I was friends
with someone famous in college?
-Really?
-Yeah, I want you to guess, ok?
She's my age, obviously.
And she's a classic beauty.
And I do know her.
Heather Locklear.
No. How old do you think I am?
However old Heather Locklear is.
Ok, no, I'm gonna
give another hint.
Um, she's
a pitch perfect actress.
Ew, Anna Kendrick
could be your daughter.
No, not Anna.
Do you think I look like Anna?
-No.
-Hmm.
Alright. One more hint. Um...
She has a 'wyldstyle',
with a 'y'.
You were friends
with Elizabeth banks?
Yes! We went to penn together.
-And she knows who you are?
-Yeah.
I mean, I think she does.
Look, look at this.
Look, look, look, look.
Did you take a picture
of your computer screen?
Yeah.
That doesn't even look like you.
No, that's me. Look, look,
look, look. That's me.
Can I go back
to work now, please?
-Yeah. Hey, did I get any mail?
-No.
Are you sure it didn't
go to Sam haller again?
I Don't know.
Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
you may or may not remember me,
but we were classmates at penn
before you went off
to Hollywood
to become an actress.
See if this rings a bell.
I dated your sorority sister
Tracey swid sophomore year.
Do you remember her?
Brown hair, brown eyes.
She used to bleach
the hair over her lip?
And then she did
that wonder wax infomercial
and broke up with me.
That's So weird.
She was on TV before you.
But, I mean,
you surpassed her, of course.
Hey, I got some
exciting news, though.
I am officially the co-chair
of the west coast penn reunion
and I want
to cordially invite you
to the big event in the fall.
Go, quakers!
Sincerely, sid straw.
Oh, ps, I got a date tonight.
I'm hoping to maybe
bring her to the reunion.
Fingers crossed.
I'm a regular here.
-I kind of thought So.
-Yeah.
I feel bad 'cause
I brought you to a place
that I feel comfortable with
on our first date.
No, first dates are
always weird, no matter what.
My pits just sweat
when I'm nervous.
Feel my hands.
Oh! Your hands are sweaty.
I'm pretty wet, aren't I?
Oh, sorry.
Um, I have this trick at work.
Whenever I have
to shake someone's hand,
I just make sure to have
a cold drink in my hand.
Oh, it cools it...
Like, that cools it...
-Yeah, I get it.
-No-one notices.
That's really smart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me tell you
something about sid.
If he's as generous in bed
as he is at tipping,
then we're both in
for a disappointing night.
Just kidding.
- Uh, Wendy.
- Yeah?
Do you guys really
tow all the cars
that are left behind?
No. And sid lives
within walking distance.
Y'all good?
Uh...
Uh, Wendy, could you, um,
deflower that virgin
Margarita for me?
Yes, I will
Davy Crockett this bitch.
-Thank you.
-No problem.
What does "Davy Crockett
this bitch" mean?
I was worried
that you would know.
Was he an alcoholic or was he...
Well, it sounds like
he was a predator.
Thank you.
Ok.
Sorry...
Oh, sorry. No, it's this...
-It's this nap pillow.
-Oh.
I wear it...I wear it
to help me sleep sometimes.
See? I have a spare
if you want to try it.
-Oh, no, thanks. I'm good.
-Ok.
It's actually
pretty comfortable.
Mmm... mm.
Do you want to stay over or...
I mean, no pressure.
But I've got a...
I have a spare toothbrush.
Thank you. I would.
But I...I have
to let my dogs out.
who let your dogs out?
-do you want me to bark?
-No, no. You don't have to. No.
-I will. Do it again.
-Ok, ok.
who will let your dogs out?
arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
they're shih tzus.
-That's good.
-Yeah.
-I'll call you tomorrow. Mm-hmm.
-Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
more good news!
I changed my status
to "in a relationship."
Her name is Kate
and I really hope you can
meet her at the reunion.
Oh, I just remembered something
you used to do in college
that made me smile.
Whenever somebody
used to say goodbye,
you would wave and you
would say, "eat wheaties!"
Do you remember that?
Do you still do that?
I'm imagining you
telling j.K. Simmons
to "eat wheaties!"
On the set of 'spider-man 2'
and then him getting really mad
like he did with that kid
who played the drums,
only of course he's pretending
'cause he's a great actor.
You know what I'm saying.
Anyways, I Know you're busy,
So eat wheaties! Sid.
Hey! Tommy-Tom.
Hey, guess who's
gonna be at the...
No, Tom's busy.
- What do you want, sid?
- Oh, hey, Janet.
Gosh, if you're asking,
I'd love to be the godfather
of your child
who I imagine is gonna be...
Please don't tell another bad
joke, ok? I'm already nauseous.
No, no, no, no.
Don't go. Don't go.
Hey, I...I want to get Tom
something nice for his birthday.
Do you have any ideas?
Here's a great idea.
Stop calling.
Ok, I can't...
I can't just
stop calling, Janet.
-I...
-I'm hanging up!
You're allowed to make
bad jokes, but he can't?
It wasn't a joke.
One day, you're gonna laugh
about what happened
at the wedding.
You just focus
on the bassinet, ok?
Dear Elizabeth,
uh, it's my brother's
birthday coming up
and I thought
of the perfect gift.
An autographed photo!
From you! Huh?
It's weird, but for some reason,
no-one ever believes that
we were friends in college.
Oh, random, but do you
remember I was in that
comedy improv troop
bootie and the hoefish?
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Katelyn just a friend.
Ok. Uh, hmm.
Hi. This is
Katelyn. Leave a message.
Hi, Katelyn.
Sid straw. Funny story.
I meant to call Kate,
my girlfriend,
which is how her name
is saved in my phone,
but the voice command
thought I said,
"Katelyn, just a friend,"
which is what you put
in my phone after our date.
So, actually,
come to think of it,
you were pretty insistent
on us just being friends
So maybe we should
grab lunch sometime.
Ok, give me a call
and we can schedule something.
Ok, bye.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Katelyn just a friend.
Uh, hmm.
Hi. This is Katelyn.
Leave a message.
Hi, Katelyn. Sid straw again.
I'm...I'm all for hands-free
devices, but wtf, right?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow
if you want to give me a call.
Ok, bye.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Ray's skate land.
Great. Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
the reason I'm sending
this letter to your agent -
hi, Frankie -
is because
I heard it's the best way
to reach a huge star like you.
Do you remember when we took
intro to sociology together
with professor katz?
Those were great times.
Um, I hate to be a nuisance,
but would it be possible
for you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant
to stick a signed photo
of you in the mail?
I would owe you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant,
if she has one,
a massive favour.
I'm hoping to still
see you at the reunion.
You might not recognise me
'cause I've been working out.
Sincerely, sid straw.
Dear Elizabeth, Frankie
and Frankie's assistant,
I Know you're all very busy,
but I haven't received
the photo yet.
If you could please
send one asap,
I would really appreciate it.
Sincerely, sid straw.
Hm-hm-hm. Hey, Sam?
I Don't mean to bother you,
but did you get any of my mail
today by chance?
No way.
Oh, my gosh!
I think this is it.
I think this is it.
Ohh!
Look, look, look, look, look.
-Mmm.
-I Know her.
We went to college together.
-Ohh!
-Yeah.
Is that a smudge?
Oh, no.
W.a.a,
Frankie riceborough's office.
Is this about a...A movie
or a TV show? Script pitch?
Did the new
fallon tweet go viral?
Uh, Well, he has
50 million followers.
I'm sure some of them
watched it.
What is the definition
of 'viral' anyway?
Does it have to hit, like,
a certain number or...
I Don't know.
Do you remember
the guy sid straw?
The guy that keeps asking
for autographed photographs
of Elizabeth banks?
Only because
you keep telling me.
Right, the photo
that we sent him was smudged.
Oh, it was smudged.
Ok, Well, I talked to
marketing and he was right.
Somebody spilled water
over the whole stack.
How many letters
did this guy send?
-A few.
-And now he's calling?
Ok, we have a new policy.
Zero tolerance
for client harassment.
Ok, Well, technically
he's calling us, not her.
Ok, after this, if there's
one more peep from this wacko,
I want our lawyers
to get a restraining order.
Ok, Well, I Don't think
it's harassment.
I mean, he says
he's a close acquaintance
of Elizabeth banks.
There is no such thing.
Well, they went
to penn together.
-He dated her sister.
-Sarah dated him?
Oh, no, her...
Her sorority sister.
Uh, Tracey swid.
Ok. One more peep
and I'll...I'll call legal.
-Hey, sid.
-Hey, 'Sam I am'.
'Green eggs and ham'.
That's a good one, yeah.
No, the Sammy hagar song.
Ok. Cool.
Oh, gosh! Why does it
keep coming to you?
That's silly. Oh!
Yes! Yes! No smudges!
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look. Look.
- Wow.
- Ah!
Hey, Jeanne, I need a favour.
Do you think
you could write this
to make it look like her
handwriting, with this?
I thought you said you knew her.
I do.
Fine.
Thank you.
Can I have my... thanks.
at first I felt
sick to my stomach
but then my...
did you like my playlist?
Actually, I haven't gotten
a chance to listen to it yet.
Oh, you're listening to it now.
Oh.
Um, cool.
Hey, should we stop and maybe
get something
to bring to the party?
The e-vite said they were
gonna have beer and mixers.
I'm kind of
more of a bubbly person
So, um, maybe we could
get some prosecco.
Ooh, prosecco. Wow.
Oh, there's actually a neat
little liquor store a block up.
We could just go there.
-Did you want to stop?
-Yeah.
Yeah, let's...Let's stop
and go get some prosecco.
Just right up there. I think
you can see the parking lot.
I only like making right turns
So is it ok
if I kind of do a round
and then come around that way?
Oh, it's... ok, yes.
If you want, you can do
a u-turn right here.
-Ooh, that's...
-Right...
I'm not great at those.
ooh, yeah
you've got me
feeling like...
I am really nervous
about Tom's gift.
You know what
I do when I'm nervous?
I take a deep breath
and I hold it in.
I just gotta...I gotta
fix things with Janet
or she's never gonna
let me see the baby.
And my instinct is to
kind of lighten the mood,
but she makes it
really, really, really hard.
Hey, did you want me
to sign your name on this?
I put some space after 'sid'
if you want to add 'and Kate'.
-No. I'm...I'm ok.
-Ok. Thanks.
-Hey, mom and dad!
-Sid.
-Hey!
-You must be Kate.
Yes. Hi.
Thank you for having me.
- Your yard is beautiful.
- Oh, thanks.
Is that Kate like middleton,
with a 'k',
or Cate like blanchett,
with a 'c'?
Ok, nobody spells Cate
with a 'c'.
Well, Caitlyn jenner.
That's a 'c'.
-Is she a 'Cate'? No.
-What about Cate blanchett?
You already said Cate blanchett.
Yeah, but you said nobody
spells Cate with a 'c'.
-Nobody except Cate blanchett.
-Well, I spell mine with a 'k'.
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, Well.
-Here. I can take those.
-That's fine. I can...
- No. No. No.
- Ok.
Hey, Tom and Janet! Hey.
-Hey!
-Oh!
I want you to meet
my girlfriend Kate.
Girlfriend? Strong word.
Well, I'm a girl
and I'm a friend.
Oh, Well, it's nice
to meet you, Kate.
This is my roommate Janet.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
Janet. It's So, um...To see you.
Right.
I got... look at this.
I got some words.
-Oh, boy!
-No. Nope.
Sid, no speeches tonight.
I'm sorry.
Aw, but it's something
to celebrate.
-It's Tom's birthday.
-Yeah, it's not happening.
-How about a simple toast?
-I brought some bubbly.
No toasts. No booze.
-Out of...
-Right?
-Yeah, out of solidarity.
-Yeah.
I thought you said
there was gonna
be beer and mixers tonight.
Oh, no, no, no, I said
ginger beer and root beer
and a lot of...
Lot of mixers over there.
But, yeah, no alcohol.
But, hey, let him give a speech.
You'll make it short, right?
Yes, of course. Yes.
Ok, yeah, a toast,
but no speech.
And can you do it
before our friends show up?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
- Great.
-We got a deal! We made a deal.
-It's not really a deal.
We made a deal! We made a deal!
We made a deal! We made...
- Alright, here we go.
- Short and sweet.
So for those of you
who don't know me,
I'm sid, Tom's brother.
As a child,
Tom had one annoying habit -
he never lost his temper.
You could yell at him
all you want,
much like his wife Janet does.
But he won't argue back.
His best friend Brandon
and I tried everything.
We would step on his fingers
with cleats.
We would pull out hair
from all parts of his body.
You have a sick mind, Brandon.
Brandon was supposed
to be here for that one.
So even though Tom
may not get mad,
he knows how to get even.
He eats your possessions.
-That's correct.
-I mean, it's a perfect crime.
There's no evidence unless
it's mom's breakfast lasagna.
Urgh!
It's just a joke, mom.
Things my brother has eaten.
Numero uno -
a 1983 Dan quisenberry
strat-o-matic card.
-Do you remember that?
-Quiz was unhittable.
But he was not uneatable.
Ok, sid, let's wrap it up.
Ok. I'll get to the finale.
List of celebrities
who died at 34.
Dana Plato
from 'diff'rent strokes'.
She was taken from us too soon.
Serial killer Jeffrey dahmer,
who was probably taken from us
a little too late.
And outlaw Jesse James,
the one who robbed banks,
not the one who robbed
Sandra bullock
of five years of her life.
So congratulations to Tom
for surviving 34 years.
If you die this year
at 35 years old,
you will be in
much better company
with Mozart, Andy Kaufman
and ol' dirty bastard.
-Alright.
-Hear, hear.
- Oh, you're too much.
- Hear.
- I love you, bro.
- Hear, hear.
-Love you.
-Love you.
- Well, this is from me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Us.
- Aww.
I bought it.
Well,
you used my credit card.
Doesn't matter
who bought it.
It's a good one. 18 years old.
Oh, you got
a sick mind, Brandon.
It's a call back
from his speech earlier.
Thank you, Brandon.
Thank you, Allie.
- Here. This is from me.
- Ooh.
"Dear Tom, I hope you are
as cute as your brother.
"Elizabeth banks."
What?! What?!
Sid, that's incredible!
My god. You...
I love it, sid. Holy cow!
So is that, like, a gag gift?
No, no, she signed it. Look.
Right here. She signed it.
Sid claims that
he dated her in college.
No, I dated her sorority sister.
But do you not have
two copies of 'seabiscuit'?
I purchased a DVD
of 'seabiscuit'
at the used section
of a blockbuster
and then I received
a, uh, complimentary copy
with a new blu-ray player.
-Yeah.
-Ooh, score.
- That's two copies.
- So I'm a casual fan.
And i'm...I'm a casual friend.
-That's not a thing.
-No, that's a thing.
-I'm pretty sure it's not.
-No, it is.
-Nope.
-Yeah, it's...
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
Do you see what I see?
-I think I do.
-Yes, you do.
What is it?
I see my girlfriend Kate
standing next
to your wife Allie.
- Yep.
- I Don't get it.
I doubt
you're missing much.
sometimes
tears and sorrows
are all the things
I've got...
yes!
just when you think
you're all by yourself,
you're not
ba-da-da-da...
-up top.
-That the 'family ties' theme?
No, not 'family ties'.
It's...'Kate & Allie'.
-'Kate & Allie'.
-Oh.
- Great show.
- Great show.
Underrated show, actually.
-Yeah, it was ahead of its time.
-It was ahead of its time.
Sid...how'd you get
that picture?
I told you,
we went to penn together.
I'm co-chairing the reunion.
My friend Zoey from Harvard
works at her talent agency.
I had forgotten
you went to Harvard.
You didn't mention it today.
I bet Zoey knows her agent.
Yeah, her name
is Frankie riceborough.
Zoey can ask Frankie to
ask Liz if, uh, she knows sid.
-Ooh.
-Alright.
We'll play
six degrees of Kevin bacon.
Two degrees.
It would only be two degrees.
If you actually know her!
Come on. We don't have to do
this right now. That's silly.
Just... I mean, just let us know
when she gets back to you.
Just tell her I said hi.
Actually, tell her I said,
"eat wheaties!"
She'll remember that.
Oh, I already sent it,
So don't worry about it.
-She's writing back.
-Uh-oh!
I gotta prop myself up
for this one.
Oh.
-Oh.
-Her agent left.
-Ohh! Well, bummer.
-Dammit.
just when you think
you're all by yourself
you're not.
- went for it there, huh?
- "Not."
I went for it.
Mmm...
Hey. I got time
to come up for a drink.
You know, I'm actually
pretty tired.
Oh, ok. Alright.
I think, um...
..I think we need
to slow things down.
Like, musically?
Romantically.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I...
An ex just kind of
came back into town
and I want to see
where that goes.
Yeah.
-No hard feelings?
-No. No, no, no...
Ooh, your hands
are wetter than mine.
Sid, I was So nervous
about this conversation.
Oh, that's ok.
I tried to get drunk at
your parents' house. I'm sorry.
That's alright.
I appreciate your clamminess.
-Take care, sid.
-I will.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
-Goodnight, sid. Bye.
-Bye-bye. Goodnight.
Thought we had something.
But I guess we didn't.
I guess we did not.
everything's good
when you find...
is it wrong that I made your
birthday party a sober one?
Wrong? No.
A little bit selfish.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
You were extra hard
on him tonight.
What? Extra...
That's our thing.
That's what we do.
He pushes my buttons.
You know in that speech he said
about me never getting angry?
That's because I idolised him.
He would hang out
with my friends.
I'd tag along with his.
-Sid had friends?
-Oh, yeah.
And then I went away and he
was all alone, like, a lot.
When you say it like that,
it makes me feel bad for him.
And then we came back.
-We have our thing.
-Yeah.
And you've seen
how my parents are.
Yeah, 'cause they
never close any doors.
But that's the kind
of intense, like,
all-in relationship
that sid's always wanted
and that's when
he started trying too hard
and saying too much and
became the sid that you know.
Yep, the sid
that ruined our wedding.
He didn't ruin our wedding.
Oh, sid stepped on
my wedding dress and tore it.
My wedding dress,
on my wedding day.
And then he invited that
baseball guy as his plus one.
Who does that?
-It's not funny.
-No.
It was not a funny
situation at all.
No, it's not funny!
But he tried to make up for it.
Yeah, Well, he tries too hard.
Think about the time
and effort it must have taken
to get me that signed photo.
Did I sabotage things with Kate?
Oh, no, he probably
did that on his own.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
You know what?
I am going to send sid
a friend request.
-Aww.
-Hmph!
-Look at you.
-Yep.
-So sweet.
-Mm-hmm.
Dear Elizabeth, uh,
Kate broke up with me tonight.
It came out of nowhere.
It was just like
in 'definitely maybe'
when you told Ryan Reynolds
that you cheated on him
with his roommate
after he proposed
to get him to break up with you
even though you didn't,
although I didn't
propose to Kate
and she didn't say
she cheated on me.
Do you think that means
she did cheat on me?
Oh, and if somebody named Zoey
asks your agent Frankie
if you know me,
could you please
just have her say yes?
I'd really appreciate it.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Anyone call?
Jasper aronovitch called
and sid straw.
-Who is sid straw?
-The banks guy.
He peeped?
He said that Zoey dobbs
might ask you
whether or not you know him
and if she does,
if you would please say yes.
Peep, peep, peep!
What do you want me to do?
Get the restraining order.
-And...
-This is cold.
And if Zoey asks
if you know him?
Sorry to hear
about, uh, your girlfriend.
Oh, it's ok.
Gosh, I gotta tell you, man,
your house, your family,
it's like a magazine.
Yep, things are pretty good
at the homestead.
-Yeah.
-Fred!
Come on. It's time to eat.
Hey, I didn't tell you.
I sent a friend request
to Elizabeth banks.
I mean, she hasn't
accepted yet, but...
She, um, probably won't.
But her agent was really nice.
He sent me
an autographed picture.
-Her agent?
-Yeah.
Have I ever told you
the story of the atomic wedgie?
No.
I was six or seven years old.
I had a crush on a senior
named sherri back in saegertown.
Now, she was older than me,
but, you know,
older pretty girls...
Yeah.
So, anyway, she babysits
a friend of mine, Josh, right?
One day Josh invites me over
while she's watching him.
He and I like wwf.
-We're horsing around.
-Yeah.
Sherri's watching.
She says, "I want a turn."
"Yes! Ok, fine."
So she takes it easy
right in the beginning
and then she gets Josh in
this serious headlock, right?
-Yeah.
-I'm freaking out. I tag in.
-Yeah.
-And I give her...
..An atomic wedgie.
-What?
-She let go of Josh pretty fast.
Cut to 10 years later.
I sneak in to see
'basic instinct'
and who do I see up
on the big screen but sherri
and she's not wearing any...
- Panties.
- That's right, buddy.
You know the story
better than most.
Wait, you were talking
about Sharon stone?
Well, she's sherri to me.
You gave a wedgie
to Sharon stone?
It's my claim to fame.
Do you, like, keep in touch
with her and stuff?
Sharon stone? No.
She's Sharon stone.
-Huh. That's crazy, man.
-Yeah, it's nuts.
I smell gas.
- Uh...
- No.
I Don't smell anything.
You smell that?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
-Wow. You got a good nose.
-Ok.
-I smell it now. Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That's...
No-one take a nap.
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, got a lot
of free time now
since the breakup
and I started writing
a children's story.
It's called 'Fred smells'.
Here's an excerpt.
"This is a story I have to tell.
"It's all about Fred
and how Fred smells."
By the way,
professor katz rsvp'd
and he's coming to the reunion.
Do you remember when he fell
asleep and someone wrote,
"just a little katz nap,"
on the chalkboard?
That's was me! Ha-ha!
You and Tracey swid
sat in the front row.
I was in the fourth row.
Of course, maybe you didn't
notice me, but I was there.
Hey, is there any way you have
Tracey swid's contact info?
I mean, I'm single, clearly,
and ready to mingle.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
They made me
sign for this at reception.
Apparently, you've been served.
I need to see you touch it.
Ok.
What?
Restraining order?
- Yeah, this is legit.
- I Don't understand.
She lives in Los Angeles.
I live in Arizona.
You know how easy it is
to get a restraining order?
How easy is it?
A...a phone call
and one notarised document.
Maybe two phone calls.
But I Don't know
what that means exactly.
It means the court declared you
a threat to their
personal safety.
In layman's terms, it means
you have to stay away from them.
I was speaking
in layman's terms.
If the layman is a lawyer,
then I agree.
I'm co-chairing
our college reunion.
Elizabeth banks is invited.
-What if she shows up?
-You won't be able to go.
Unless you contest
the restraining order.
And win.
I think even the layman
got what I meant.
If you don't stop, you may not
be a 'layman' for a long time.
So how much would it
be to fight it?
-I bill at 750 an hour.
-I'm 800.
Wow! That's a lot.
You couldn't resolve it
in half an hour, could you?
-No.
-Oh, no.
Sorry.
How much do you
charge by the hour?
$450.
Hmm, you can't do it
in 45 minutes?
-No. No, I can't.
-Yeah. It was nice meeting you.
Welcome to fisk and sons.
Are you the fisk
or are you a son?
-I am fisk.
-Oh.
And these are my two sons.
-Oh.
-And my wife.
-Hi!
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
We're not lawyers.
She is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Aww. How did you two meet?
Online.
Gosh. The whole world is online.
Oh, tell me about it.
I even got my law degree online.
Uh, I Don't want
to waste your time.
How much do you charge
by the hour?
My rate is 85...
..Dollars an hour.
Perfect.
Yeah?
Put her there.
-Some reach!
-Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy, what's going on?
- State bar of Arizona.
- Hi.
Um, are you able
to confirm if my lawyer
is in good standing
with the state bar?
- What's his name?
- James fisk.
He went to John Morris
law school...Dot com.
Oh, come in.
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm gonna have to represent
myself in this matter.
Uh, yeah, no, sid.
Whatever you think is best.
- I hate to say this...
- Ok, I need some wipes.
-Hey.
-Thank you.
Yeah, also, the bar said
that since your degree
is from a non-accredited
law school,
you're technically
practising law illegally.
I didn't want to say that
to you. You're such a nice man.
No, that makes sense.
-Um...
-Yeah.
-I just... if I can chime in?
-Yeah.
He really is So much smarter
than he looks.
No, yeah.
Baby, that's...
That's a compliment.
-Oh, I...I know.
-Yeah.
Oh.
You know, hey, if you ever
get in good standing,
I'd love to work together.
Absolutely, sid.
And, uh...It was
nice to meet you.
Yeah, So nice meeting you.
And nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you, sid!
-Sid.
-Mm.
-You've been here a long time.
-Mm-hmm.
-Longer than me.
-Yeah.
-You never take vacation.
-Mm.
You use Skype
for long-distance calls.
And you are diligent
with your courtesy flush.
But, uh, your recent
browser history is problematic.
Hmm?
You spend too much time
on social media.
Let me explain.
It was for a college reunion.
And I Know Elizabeth banks.
Look, I Know it can get
lonely when you're single.
After my divorce...
..I made some
questionable decisions.
-Mm.
-And then I met Ruth.
Mm.
Ah!
There's zero tolerance
for office tomfoolery.
-Mm-hmm.
-Consider yourself on notice.
Yes, Bruce.
Dear Elizabeth, have you
ever felt like your life
was spiralling out of control,
like your movie 'walk of shame',
you know,
minus the crack dealers?
First, there's
the restraining order,
which I'm sure
is a misunderstanding
with your agent.
Then I got put
on notice at work.
Don't even ask.
And it turns out the caterer
I wanted for the reunion
is double-booked.
I mean, by the looks
of your Facebook page,
things are great for you,
So keep it up.
And if I figure out
the legal stuff,
I'll just look for you
at the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
What?!
Oh... no!
-No.
-What?
Well, have you seen
your brother's Facebook?
Oh, my god. It's blowing up!
-What? Why?
-Wait. Stop! I'm reading.
Let me see it.
What is that?
Oh, my god.
He's writing crazy posts
on Elizabeth banks' fan page.
Look, and now people
are starting to take notice.
-Oh, no.
-No.
He doesn't know that
he's posting them publicly.
Look at all the comments!
Wow. It's actually
kind of impressive.
I got to call him,
tell him to take them down.
Yeah, Well,
it's too late for that.
What do you mean, it's too late?
You can't take stuff
off the Facebook.
What are you talking about?
-Of course you can.
-Once it's on...
Hey, Tom.
- Sid, sid! The Facebook!
- Yeah... ooh.
- You've gotta take the stuff...
- I need to call you back.
-Hi.
-Didn't you get my letter?
No, I didn't get anything.
You...you need
to read my letter.
Oh, alright.
Well, maybe Jeanne has it.
Sorry. Uh, Jeanne?
Hey Jeanne, do you have
a letter for me from...
Oh. I Don't know why
you didn't give this to me.
What?
Sorry.
You said
I was just on notice.
That's before I saw your posts
on Elizabeth banks'
Facebook page.
How do you know about those?
They went viral.
What does that mean?
It means a lot of people saw it.
How many people saw it?
Who knows? Like, a thousand?
Mm, more like a million.
-What?
-All of our customers.
If you're gonna obsess
over a celebrity,
I suggest you do it in private.
I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth banks.
I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth banks.
The restraining order
says otherwise.
That is a temporary
restraining order.
And do you know how easy
those are to get?
It is one phone call
and one notarised document.
Sid, my hands are tied.
It's not good.
Oh, my god.
-Congratulations, Sam.
-Thanks, sid.
Hey, sid, wait.
You forgot these.
-Thank you.
-Yep.
Welcome
to your new office, Sam.
-Holla!
-Holla!
- Who started that?
- I think you did.
-Yeah, maybe I did.
-Yeah, you did.
-Come on in!
-Genius, man!
Whoo!
Dear Elizabeth,
I'm really sorry
if my posts embarrassed you.
Going forward, I...I promise
to send them all privately.
I Don't...i don't know
how I missed that.
I got fired today
after 14 years.
But don't worry.
The...The job market is strong.
And I'm sure my old boss
will write a...A great letter
of recommendation.
Plus, now I'll have, you know...
I'll have time to focus
on the venue for the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
You have one new message.
Sid, this is Sarah,
co-chair of the penn
reunion committee.
The Dean called me
personally to request
that you be removed
from your position
as co-chair,
effective immediately.
Please don't call me back.
Or text. Or email.
-Hey, sid.
-Hey.
You flying solo tonight?
Oh, just me, myself and pie.
Oh, we took apple pie
off the menu a while ago.
Oh. Do you have any other pie?
Hmm, key lime.
Mmm, but that's not
until the summer.
Hmm, it's just me and myself,
then.
Hmm, what happened to Kate?
Kate. Kate went back
to her ex-boyfriend.
-Dang. That's sucks.
-Yeah.
-She seemed nice.
-Oh, yeah, she was very nice.
Well, the good news is she's
open to revisiting her exes
and she's not gonna take out
a restraining order on me.
So that's a plus.
I like your optimism, sid.
-I'll be right back.
-Ok. Alright.
These, my friend, are on me.
Oh, wow.
Are they virgins? That's nice.
- Filthy whores.
- Oh!
If you need anything,
let me know.
Oh-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!
They are filthy.
Ooh, momma.
I hope you find it
I hope you find it
out there...
your rsum is excellent,
mr straw,
and you seem like
a really nice guy.
Uh, I Don't know what Bruce rapp
was thinking letting you go.
But we'd be lucky to have you.
-Oh, thank you, ms portino.
-Yeah.
Expect to hear
from me soon, So...
-Wonderful.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Hey, ms portino. How are you?
This is sid straw.
Yes, I just wanted to thank you
for the generous offer
for the...The vp position
of sales and marketing.
I humbly accept
and I will see you on Monday.
Ok! Ok, thank you So much.
Uh-huh. Bye-bye.
Ha!
Hi, ms portino.
This is sid straw.
I'm sorry I missed you.
I Don't know what
the background check showed,
but I was curious if there
was anything I could do
to change your mind
about withdrawing the offer.
Thank you So much for meeting
with me about the vp position.
Thank you So much for meeting me
about the director of marketing.
Whoo!
Oh, yeah.
I can totally move. Yeah.
I've been dying to go to Ohio.
What's after manager?
Do you have
an assistant manager?
No?
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, moved back home
with my parents.
It's temporary,
like the restraining order,
which I'm hoping will be
resolved before the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Here you go.
-My god.
-Turkey bacon ok?
What a massive mug.
Yeah, that's fine.
Dear Elizabeth, money is tight
and it's Janet's
birthday coming up.
I might have to borrow money
to buy her a gift.
And my mom tried
to tuck me in last night.
Egad!
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Dear Elizabeth, I hope you
didn't take that last post
to mean I was asking you
to borrow money.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
-Hi. How can I help you?
-Hello.
I'd like to cash
this cheque, please.
Uh, the ID and the cheque
don't match.
Yeah, I Know.
They must have made
a clerical error
at the unemployment office.
Uh-huh. This cheque
is made out to 'sad striw'.
-You're sid straw.
-Straw. Yeah, I Know, I Know.
I guess they just switched
the 'a' and 'i'
and they just made sid...Sad.
I'm gonna have
to talk to my supervisor.
-Of course. Of course.
-Ok. Yeah.
There's some weird guy
named sad or sid or...
Who would name their kid 'sad'?
Hello.
Thank you.
Defrauding the state's
unemployment regulations
is a crime, sir.
I...i didn't
defraud anyone.
I...I'm unemployed.
I've been coming
to this bank for years.
I mean, if you look, there's...
I was just gonna show you where
the addresses are the same.
I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
No.
-I just... please.
-Don't.
-I can't...
-Stop.
-I was only gonna...
-Stop.
- Thank you, mom.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, mom!
- Alright.
-So this is Shepherd's pie.
-Mmm!
But instead of lamb,
I used ground buffalo meat.
It's leaner
and it's high in omega-3s.
And instead of mashed potatoes,
that's cauliflower.
-Oh, wow.
-Looks delicious.
-Ooh!
-Mmm!
Mmm. Ooh!
Mm, mmm!
You know what, as much
as I would love to eat it,
I'm actually staying away
from wild game.
-Yeah.
-So...
Dr solinski's orders.
Well, more leftovers
for you, sid.
One of the perks
of living at home.
Hey, Janet,
I have a surprise for you.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, my goodness!
Sid!
Wow, sid.
Let's see... oh.
I bedazzled it myself.
- Oh!
- Yes, you did.
That is...That is something.
- Oh.
- It took me a long time.
I found it on pinterest.
A lot of people are doing it.
And it's kind of a trend.
People do sweatshirts
and, you know, hats
and belts seemed to be,
you know,
the one that was
the most popular.
- It's very thoughtful, sid.
- That's really kind.
- It's...
- Thank you.
So I heard you swung by
Brandon's office the other day?
Yeah, I did.
He has a really nice office.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I Know.
Janet, I wanted to ask you,
have you heard back
from your friend Zoey
about Elizabeth banks' agent?
Yeah, um...
She heard that they took out
a restraining order against you.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
But did she find out
if Elizabeth remembered me?
You ok?
Yeah. Thank you.
Oh...
Look, sid, I...I know
these last few months
things haven't been
going your way.
-Um...
-Mmm.
It's alright.
But I really think...
..You gotta...You gotta stop.
Stop what?
Stop trying So hard,
like, with everything.
Look, it's like mom,
right, and her cooking.
Sometimes it's just better
to be simple, like, normal.
Like, "hey, mom, can I just have
a regular Shepherd's pie?"
You know?
I just think
you try too hard and...
It's like the Darryl thing
at the wedding.
Oh, come on.
-That was So funny.
-Yeah.
But you get what
I'm saying, right?
Alright,
I'll try to stop trying.
This isn't an inside joke, sid.
You are unemployed.
You are living at home
with your parents.
And instead
of picking yourself up,
getting back on your feet,
you're making belts
and you're wondering whether
Elizabeth banks remembers you?
I didn't make the belt.
I bedazzled it.
Oh, my god. Sid, look at me.
Elizabeth banks
doesn't remember you.
Tom, want to get going?
-See you, sid.
-Yeah, see you.
Keep your eye
on the ball.
You are doing
a lot of chopping,
but no chips are flying.
Hey, I really appreciate
you inviting me out.
I had to get out
of that house, man.
-It's gotta be So depressing.
-Oh...
Living under the roof
with your parents again.
Oh, that's ok, Fred. That's ok.
What's this? What's this?
Elbows down.
You're like a chicken, alright?
Go!
Bah-gawk!
Here we go. This is how fast
it's gonna come on the day.
Come on!
Don't look... just pick them up.
Pick them up.
You're done, you're done.
Put down the bat. You're done.
I wasn't even gonna
go to the reunion,
but now that you're banned,
I feel like somebody
should go there
just to tell
your side of the story.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna do that for you.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, my god, we should
reunite the hoefish.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-Oh, my god!
That would be So great.
-We'll do it in honour of you.
-Aww!
And people will be like,
"oh, I wish he was here!"
I can't believe I'm missing it.
-Yeah.
-I can't believe it.
You'll be there in spirit.
-Can I hit again?
-No, it's...It's my turn.
- It's my turn.
- Oh...
Oh, my god. There's no tears
in baseball. Watch this.
Ok, hold on. I just...
I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready.
Almost, man.
Ah!
It's, uh...
..It's my carpal tunnel.
I have an old judo injury.
Do you think I could try?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Give it a shot.
Hah!
Arggh!
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, think this will be
my last message for a while.
I finished writing
'Fred smells',
but after re-reading it,
I realise it stinks.
Dreams, uh, can't
come true for everyone.
Otherwise, everyone
would be an actor
or an astronaut or Dr. Seuss.
I want to thank you
for being there for me
the last few months,
even if you weren't.
Writing to you has made me
feel better about myself,
thinking that there's
a world where you remember me
and cared about what was
happening in my life.
But now I realise
I need to try harder
to put my life back together.
Or less hard.
Or both, I guess.
I'm gonna fight
the restraining order
and make it to the reunion.
I really hope you can make it
and please don't miss it
on my behalf.
Eat wheaties!
Sid.
I'm telling you,
I'm 100% sure that
in the state of California...
You're saying that
it doesn't matter
that I went to
a non-accredited law school?
No, I spent hours
researching it
and I called
three times to confirm.
Ok, So if I did pass
the bar exam,
then would you hire me
for the restraining order?
Yeah, definitely.
Wait, and does this mean
that we would all
get to go to California?
- Sure.
- Ok.
Well, let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
I do know that the bar exam
in California
is known to be pretty difficult.
Ok, but, sweetheart,
I mean, we'll help you.
I will take the kids full-time.
-I can help.
-With the kids?
-Yeah.
-Wow! Ok.
Do you have any babysitting
experience or anything?
No, but I can try.
You can start
with the older one.
He's So much easier.
He's very calm and...
Gary is the easier one.
Dale is the older one.
Oh, Dale! No, yeah, Dale
was born 12 seconds earlier.
-12 minutes.
-12 minutes earlier.
He's a lot smarter
than he looks, really.
Ok. At some point,
that stops being a compliment.
-Ok.
-So...are we a go with this?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Yes!
Yes! Honey!
-Ok, we're doing it.
-We're doing it. Mwah!
- Love you.
- Yes!
Hello!
-This is...This is fantastic.
-Oh, right.
And I think you'd be a great
addition to the spartina team.
Oh, fantastic.
-I do.
-Yeah. Thank you So much.
Well, I Know
it's been a long road...
alright, let's do this.
So I love an acronym
and I always...
- Five.
- Oh!
-Good job.
-Ok.
it'll be alright...
-oh!
-Whoa!
Yeah!
Here we go.
-Oh, thank god!
-Yeah!
Oh, my god! You did it!
-You said I could do it.
-Give it to me.
-You said I could do it.
-Oh, my god!
Ohh!
Ok, the next case on
the docket is number 954532 -
a restraining order issued by
Frankie riceborough
and Elizabeth banks.
-Is she here?
-No, your honour.
Oh.
The defendant sid straw?
Oh, yes. Uh, there he is,
your honour.
-And who are you?
-My name is James fisk.
I'm a lawyer and this...
-..Is my first case.
-Hmm.
- Whoo!
- That's my wife.
And what are we doing here?
My client, ms riceborough,
and her client, ms banks,
have been repeatedly
harassed by the defendant
and we'd like the temporary
restraining order
made permanent.
It says here that the defendant
lives in scottsdale.
Mr straw, why on earth
are you harassing
ms riceborough and ms banks?
And how exactly do you know her?
We went to college together.
And I dated her sorority
sister, Tracey swid.
-So you don't really know her?
-No, I do.
I did.
Ms riceborough,
how exactly has mr straw
been harassing you
and ms banks from scottsdale?
Well, thank you
for asking, your honour.
Mr straw has been
incessantly harassing
both me and my client
with letters, phone calls
and social media posts
with the sole intention
of intimidating us
into a relationship
in order to prove
how important he is
that he knows a celebrity.
Now, I Know we live in a world
where everyone has
this illusion of access,
that anyone can just tweet out
or friend their favourite
celebrity, but my job...
Excuse me, my duty
is to protect my client
from whack jobs like him,
people who feel like
they are owed the right
to just call us up and
interrupt our busy assistants
to demand an autographed picture
and then complain
when they are smudged.
Can...can I say something now?
When do... can I speak
sometime soon?
Mr straw, is ms riceborough
telling the truth?
Yes.
I mean, she could have
said it in a nicer way,
but, yes, I did ask for
an autographed picture
for my brother's birthday
and I did contact
her assistant, Keaton,
when I saw that the picture
I was sent had a smudge.
And...
Why are you standing?
I'm...I'm Keaton.
And, yeah, he's right.
The, uh...The photo was smudged.
Continue, mr straw.
And I did post on her
Facebook page some things...
A lot of things.
But I did not mean
to harass her, your honour.
Mr straw, you may live far away,
but in this day and age,
we treat cyberbullying
as a serious crime.
And with your
college reunion coming up,
there is a possibility you will
be in physical proximity to her.
You have been
fired from your job,
removed from
a volunteer position
and publicly mocked
for your celebrity obsession.
And...he also just moved in
with his parents.
I Don't know
if that was necessary.
No, I Don't know.
I Don't know what I'm doing.
Isn't it time to go back home,
get your life back together
and just forget all this
Elizabeth banks nonsense?
This is not about
Elizabeth banks, your honour.
This is about me, sid straw,
being able to go
back to my reunion
confident about who I am
and what I've become.
I understand that I'm not the
most exciting person out there
and I've had
some rough patches, yes.
But I got new friends.
I got a new job.
I'm playing softball again.
And I want to go to my reunion.
And I can't do that
with a restraining order
hanging over me.
Can you tell me one thing
about you and Elizabeth banks
from college
that would help me believe
that this supposed
friendship of yours
doesn't just exist
in your imagination?
One story that
can be corroborated
here today in this courtroom?
I have no choice
but to extend the restraining
order by five years.
Wait. I have a story.
It was my freshman year,
and, uh...
..I was having a hard time
making friends.
I think it had something
to do with the fact
that I had a role in banning
hot plates from the dorms.
In my defence, I had just
seen the movie 'backdraft'
and I had a lot of
sensitivity to fire hazards.
So to meet people, I joined
this co-ed volleyball team
and that's where I met
ms banks and ms swid
who later became my...
A girl that I briefly dated.
Our team was not very good.
We weren't very good.
We lost the first two matches
and then our third match,
we were playing against
all these jocks and it got ugly.
Not just the spiking,
but they were mean.
And we were just begging...
..Begging for the game to end
when Elizabeth banks stepped up
and called a timeout.
I Don't even know if there's
timeout in volleyball.
We huddled together
and did it anyway.
And she looked at us
and she said,
"did any of you eat
your wheaties this morning?
"'Cause if you did,
"now is the time
they're gonna kick in."
And I'm telling you,
in the next 10 minutes,
it was nothing short
of a miracle.
It was...It was like
we were pros!
We were spiking,
we were setting,
we were diving for balls
and saving points.
We were seconds away,
many times, of losing the game
and we'd get the game back.
And then in the end,
our team was one point away
from winning the game.
And it was my serve. My serve.
This was my moment to shine.
And I tossed the ball up,
I threw my hand back
and I just launched it.
Was it an ace?
No, I choked
and it went out of bounds
and they won the game.
But here's the deal.
My team was not angry about it.
We had shown them
what we were made of.
We had shown ourselves that
we can accomplish something
much bigger than winning.
And every single time
after that,
every time we saw
Elizabeth banks,
she would look at us
and instead of saying goodbye,
she would say, "eat wheaties!"
And it was like we were
just transported back
to that very specific
moment in time.
Counsellor, can you corroborate
any part of mr straw's story?
Yes, actually I can,
your honour.
I would like to present
to you and the court
defence exhibit a.
Do I just bring it
up to you or... oh, ok.
Here is exhibit a, in which
you will find a photograph
clearly depicting
my client, mr straw,
and two people over, you will
also see a familiar face.
That is ms banks.
Clearly, they're in
the same photograph.
You're gonna have to do
better than that.
-Did you see the photo?
-Yes.
Um, your honour, may I make
a closing statement?
Make it quick.
My client, sid straw,
is many things.
Unusual? Maybe.
Compulsive?
Yeah, you could say that.
Socially awkward? Definitely.
But the one thing
my client is not
is a danger to himself
or any other human being.
I mean, sid...Sid is a good guy.
And I ask you this much.
When you are deciding
my client's fate here today,
please take this into account.
If he did make up and fabricate
the story about the wheaties,
then, Well, why would
he cast himself
as...as a loser?
Right? Who would do that?
He did it because
it's the truth.
Sid is a loser...
..Or was a loser.
Make him a winner.
I Don't think you're a loser.
-Oh, no.
-Personally. I love you.
Thanks. I love you too.
That was really good.
I should have wrote
some of that out.
-No, no, it was really...
-It was a little...
-It was perfect. It was perfect.
-Thanks.
Ms riceborough, do you have
any evidence of mr straw
saying anything
intimidating or derogatory
towards you or ms banks?
Um...
No, your honour.
Can you give me one reason
why he might be a danger
to you or ms banks?
Well, he's very persistent...
..But he's not a danger.
Well, come to think of it,
we would not be here
wasting the court's time
were it not for your
restraining order,
which you based
on a few phone calls
asking for one autographed
photo, which was smudged,
and some weird
Facebook posts on her page,
of which I am sure
there are thousands.
I hereby remove
the restraining order
under the one condition
that you never make
any unsolicited contact
to ms banks again,
either in person
or on social media.
Is that understood?
Yes, your honour.
That's understood.
-Case dismissed.
-Oh!
Wait, your honour.
Did we just win?
Sort of.
-Yeah!
-Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!
Can I get some?
Can you get some more?
Can I also have some?
Can we both have some?
-Oh, I feel good!
-Yes!
Heya!
Oh, that felt good.
Yeah, it still feels good.
I Know.
Hey, let's go sue
some other people.
Yes!
You have defamed my client.
- That's preposterous.
- I can't defame him.
He's not famous.
Defamation is the action
of damaging someone's
good reputation.
I didn't do that.
By providing false information
to a number of mr straw's
prospective employers...
Mm-hmm.
..You did indeed cause
'ear-rep-pair-a-buhl'
harm to my client.
We withdrew our offer
to mr straw in a timely manner.
By conducting
a background check on mr straw
without his express
written permission,
you have violated federal law
under the fair credit
reporting act.
Did you see his posts?
Did you hear what I said
about violating federal law?
I would put a staple
through my hand
before I let you do it again.
-Is that what you want?
-That's...That's not...
Want me to put
a staple through my hand?
I Don't think
we wanna do that.
I'll do it.
Ok.
-You see that?
-That's...
That's a staple
in a man's hand for a friend.
Consider this, uh...
..Repaired.
-Ah-ah!
-Ooh!
-Thank you.
-Ok, wow, grabby.
Your book is the first
I've ever published
from a cold submission.
-Oh!
-You know what that tells me?
-You know what I smell?
-Hmm?
- Success.
- Ah!
I think sid also smells sequels.
Sequels!
-Do I sign...Do I sign here?
-Ah, yes. Sign right there.
-Hello.
-Excuse me, sir, you...
Um, just one second.
Sure.
-Welcome back, mr straw.
-Oh, thank you.
Would you like us
to deposit these for you?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm taking my money to a bank
where people are...Kinder.
Oh, wow.
I didn't think
I'd be this nervous.
Yeah. Me too.
Are you sure this is the place?
Yeah, this is the address.
Just looks a little
underdressed, you know?
Thought there'd be
balloons or...
-I Know. Me too.
-Something.
Well, hey, uh, good luck.
Thanks.
I really couldn't have
gotten here without you, James.
You know, I am real, real proud
to call you my client.
I'm proud to call you my lawyer.
I'm proud to call you my...
I was on the committee.
I should probably get inside.
-Oh, yeah, no, do your thing.
-Yeah.
Show these Ivy leaguers
how to party!
To be continued!
Hello.
Sarah.
Oh.
Namey-taggey.
Let me just... let's see.
Ok. Ok.
Aha.
Alright.
I can't believe he's here.
Hey, Duncan.
-Oh, my god.
-Oh, hey, sid.
Hey. I'm So happy to see you.
-Where the hell is everybody?
-I Don't know.
We're the only hoefish here.
God dang it!
The Facebook page
made it look So good.
I Know. They got a lot of likes.
Hey, did you get my book?
Did you get it?
-I sent it, like, two days ago.
-Yeah.
Did you read it to Fred?
-No, no, I did not.
-Why?
I'm not gonna read a book
called 'Fred smells'
to my son Fred.
Why? It's...
That's a play on words.
How about I read you a book
called 'sid stinks like ass'?
No, no, no, no.
You...You don't understand.
'Fred smells' is a verb.
'Fred smells'
is not an adjective.
-It's a cash bar.
-No, listen, listen. Ok?
"Sometimes Fred smells
and says, 'that's delightful.'
"sometimes he smells
and says, 'that's frightful.'
"it doesn't matter
where Fred goes.
"Nothing gets past
his sensitive nose."
It sounds like he stinks.
I Don't know.
Congratulations
on your book deal.
Is that what you're looking for?
Congratulations on your new job,
on your landmark win
of the trial.
I... alright, I want
to mingle with other people.
Is Elizabeth banks coming?
Do you really
think she would come,
knowing he would be here?
-Hey, sid.
-Hey.
I just got off work
and I thought
maybe I could sit with you?
Oh, please. Are you kidding?
I'd love it.
-Awesome.
-I would love it. Ooh!
But I do not need
another filthy whore.
I'll tell you that much.
I need a friend right now.
Aww. What's going on?
It has been an exhausting day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
When is Kenny picking you up?
Yeah, uh,
I dumped him a while ago.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
-You did?
-Yeah.
Do you ever date customers?
-No.
-No.
- Nah.
- Yeah.
Would you ever date me?
Oh, sorry. Let me...
Oh, this is my brother.
Sorry, I gotta get this.
Hey, Tom, what's up?
What?
Hi, hi.
Ohh! Dude!
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
There's a person I've never met
in our hospital room.
Oh, yes, sorry, sorry.
This is Wendy.
How you doing, Wendy?
I'm Tom straw, sid's brother.
Hi. I'm Janet Berry-straw.
No relation
do Darryl strawberry?
- Ok.
- Sid...
No, I...I've never
said anything to you
about Darryl strawberry.
-Have I?
-Uh-uh.
Ok...
- Sid...
- Ok, that's frickin' weird.
Somebody want to tell me
what we're laughing at?
- Just show her.
- Look at this.
This was at their wedding.
This is...This is
Darryl strawberry
and sid dancing the 'Macarena'.
-Yeah, at their wedding.
-Wait.
You invited Darryl strawberry
to your brother's wedding?
-Yes. He was my plus one.
-And he came?
And he came
and he was a really nice guy.
What drugs did they give you?
Good ones, I think.
-He's good.
-And... he's good, yeah.
- Wait for it.
- Yeah, wait for it.
-No, no, not the dress.
-Yeah.
-Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the dress! The dress!
-Both girls.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It was bad.
-It was bad.
I would never do that.
-Oh, my...
-I would just...
Alright, we'll let you guys go.
We just wanted to say...
Come in and say hi.
Actually, we, uh,
want to ask you something.
Oh, yeah.
-What, me?
-Mmm.
Oh, right.
We want you to be the godfather.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry!
Sid?
-So amaze...
-Don't. Don't make me cry.
-So amazing.
-Aww!
Hi.
But listen. No speeches
at the christening, ok?
-Ok?
-I give a good speech.
They're
literally the worst.
-I give a good speech.
-Awful.
Do you want to hold her?
-Yes, I want to hold her.
-Ok, come here.
-I want to hold her.
-Just watch her head.
-It's So fragile.
-Hi, baby.
-Watch her head. There we go.
-Hi, baby. Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm uncle sid.
Uh, someone
is calling you right now.
No, no, it's ok.
The only people I want
to talk to are in this room.
Yes. I want to talk to you.
Hi. Uh, sid, it's Liz.
Elizabeth...banks.
Um, it's Elizabeth banks,
from penn and 'spider-man'.
Um, anyway,
I just read your posts.
Of course I remember you.
I Know this sounds crazy,
but ask anyone who knows me,
whenever I meet someone who is
especially nice, I always say,
"you remind me
of this awesome guy
"I went to college with,
sid straw."
Oh, gosh, I just realised
what time it is in Arizona.
I'm sorry. I really hope
I didn't wake anybody.
I just got back
from filming overseas
and the jet lag has me,
like, "waah!"
All over the place.
Ok, So you should call me
So we can catch up.
Eat wheaties!
Hey, I forgot to leave
my phone number.
It's Liz, again,
from 'spider-man 2' and '3'.
The first 'spider-man's.
You know, they made other ones.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind.
I got your number from Keaton.
Which reminds me,
my kids love 'Fred smells'.
Maybe we can make that
into a movie?
Anyway, alright.
You should call me back.
Uh, eat wheaties!
I'll put it down. Ok.
Ok. Thank you very much.
Ok. Bye-bye.
Ahh!
Ah!
Oh, awesome.
It's Sarah getz,
reunion co-chair.
I just checked
and there's no sid straw
on Facebook, Twitter
or Instagram.
You're not even on LinkedIn.
Are you a real person?
Assuming you are, you need
to get on social media pronto.
All of our coordinating
will be done on Facebook.
It is going to be epic.
hey, you got me
over the edge...
I'm over my head...
over my head...
Duncan lambert.
You have not aged
a day since college.
- You haven't!
- No, I Know!
Then I saw
your name on Facebook
and I was like, "come on!"
What a perfect time
to get back in touch.
I'm So surprised
that you are the co-chair.
Yeah, of the penn reunion.
Isn't that cool?
-The west coast reunion.
-The west coast reunion, yeah.
Wow.
You know, when I saw
you on Facebook...
Yeah.
..I just assumed that you would,
you know, be married by now.
No, I've had...I've had a bit
of a dry spell with the ladies.
You know what? Get the apps.
-I can't do the apps.
-Swipe the swipes.
That stresses me out big-time.
Do you know,
I was thinking today,
what was the name
of the character
that you always called me
during our college improvs?
Christopher p. Bacon.
That's it! That's it!
I was trying to think of it
and I couldn't remember it.
That was So fun, man.
That was So fun.
Those days are over.
No, we should do that again.
-We should. That was fun.
-We should do that again.
-That was fun.
-That was fun.
-A lot more fun.
-Do you have my number?
-Facebook, buddy.
-Facebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Facebook.
You can expense this, right?
Yes, of course
I can expense this.
-Great.
-Yes, yes, yes. I'll send you...
I guess you can send a message
on there or something
and we can...We can
figure something out.
-Yes!
-Yeah.
-Yes!
-Thank... this was fun.
Um...
This was fun.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sam 'holla'!
Hi, sid.
I suppose you like
your coffee strong and black.
I was in this comedy
improv group in college
and we used to do this bit
where I would say a word
that clearly wasn't racist,
but then it was
kind of close enough...
I get the gist. You almost done?
Yeah, the key is
to catch what comes out
in the first
three and a half seconds
and then the rest
is just brown water.
You mind? I have
a conference call in five.
No, not at all. No, no, no.
You're good, you're good.
Sorry, I'm just gonna...
There we go.
Hey, I saw you were
on Facebook, actually.
I just signed up.
Should I friend you?
I have this new policy
where I...I keep
my Facebook separate
from coworkers.
Oh. I saw Bruce
on there, though.
-Bruce is not a coworker.
-Mm-hmm.
-He's...he's the boss, So...
-Uh-huh.
I saw Burke and Jeanne,
though, too.
Yeah, they were already
friends of mine
before I implemented the policy.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's probably good.
Good to keep the focus
on what we have here.
-Right.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And I'm just gonna go...
-Yeah, yeah.
-..There.
-Yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'm right behind you.
I'll just grab my pods.
Wow.
Look at you. Look at you.
Oh, that's So cool.
No way!
That's me.
Oh!
Hey, Jeanne!
Did I ever tell you
that I was friends
with someone famous in college?
-Really?
-Yeah, I want you to guess, ok?
She's my age, obviously.
And she's a classic beauty.
And I do know her.
Heather Locklear.
No. How old do you think I am?
However old Heather Locklear is.
Ok, no, I'm gonna
give another hint.
Um, she's
a pitch perfect actress.
Ew, Anna Kendrick
could be your daughter.
No, not Anna.
Do you think I look like Anna?
-No.
-Hmm.
Alright. One more hint. Um...
She has a 'wyldstyle',
with a 'y'.
You were friends
with Elizabeth banks?
Yes! We went to penn together.
-And she knows who you are?
-Yeah.
I mean, I think she does.
Look, look at this.
Look, look, look, look.
Did you take a picture
of your computer screen?
Yeah.
That doesn't even look like you.
No, that's me. Look, look,
look, look. That's me.
Can I go back
to work now, please?
-Yeah. Hey, did I get any mail?
-No.
Are you sure it didn't
go to Sam haller again?
I Don't know.
Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
you may or may not remember me,
but we were classmates at penn
before you went off
to Hollywood
to become an actress.
See if this rings a bell.
I dated your sorority sister
Tracey swid sophomore year.
Do you remember her?
Brown hair, brown eyes.
She used to bleach
the hair over her lip?
And then she did
that wonder wax infomercial
and broke up with me.
That's So weird.
She was on TV before you.
But, I mean,
you surpassed her, of course.
Hey, I got some
exciting news, though.
I am officially the co-chair
of the west coast penn reunion
and I want
to cordially invite you
to the big event in the fall.
Go, quakers!
Sincerely, sid straw.
Oh, ps, I got a date tonight.
I'm hoping to maybe
bring her to the reunion.
Fingers crossed.
I'm a regular here.
-I kind of thought So.
-Yeah.
I feel bad 'cause
I brought you to a place
that I feel comfortable with
on our first date.
No, first dates are
always weird, no matter what.
My pits just sweat
when I'm nervous.
Feel my hands.
Oh! Your hands are sweaty.
I'm pretty wet, aren't I?
Oh, sorry.
Um, I have this trick at work.
Whenever I have
to shake someone's hand,
I just make sure to have
a cold drink in my hand.
Oh, it cools it...
Like, that cools it...
-Yeah, I get it.
-No-one notices.
That's really smart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me tell you
something about sid.
If he's as generous in bed
as he is at tipping,
then we're both in
for a disappointing night.
Just kidding.
- Uh, Wendy.
- Yeah?
Do you guys really
tow all the cars
that are left behind?
No. And sid lives
within walking distance.
Y'all good?
Uh...
Uh, Wendy, could you, um,
deflower that virgin
Margarita for me?
Yes, I will
Davy Crockett this bitch.
-Thank you.
-No problem.
What does "Davy Crockett
this bitch" mean?
I was worried
that you would know.
Was he an alcoholic or was he...
Well, it sounds like
he was a predator.
Thank you.
Ok.
Sorry...
Oh, sorry. No, it's this...
-It's this nap pillow.
-Oh.
I wear it...I wear it
to help me sleep sometimes.
See? I have a spare
if you want to try it.
-Oh, no, thanks. I'm good.
-Ok.
It's actually
pretty comfortable.
Mmm... mm.
Do you want to stay over or...
I mean, no pressure.
But I've got a...
I have a spare toothbrush.
Thank you. I would.
But I...I have
to let my dogs out.
who let your dogs out?
-do you want me to bark?
-No, no. You don't have to. No.
-I will. Do it again.
-Ok, ok.
who will let your dogs out?
arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
they're shih tzus.
-That's good.
-Yeah.
-I'll call you tomorrow. Mm-hmm.
-Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
more good news!
I changed my status
to "in a relationship."
Her name is Kate
and I really hope you can
meet her at the reunion.
Oh, I just remembered something
you used to do in college
that made me smile.
Whenever somebody
used to say goodbye,
you would wave and you
would say, "eat wheaties!"
Do you remember that?
Do you still do that?
I'm imagining you
telling j.K. Simmons
to "eat wheaties!"
On the set of 'spider-man 2'
and then him getting really mad
like he did with that kid
who played the drums,
only of course he's pretending
'cause he's a great actor.
You know what I'm saying.
Anyways, I Know you're busy,
So eat wheaties! Sid.
Hey! Tommy-Tom.
Hey, guess who's
gonna be at the...
No, Tom's busy.
- What do you want, sid?
- Oh, hey, Janet.
Gosh, if you're asking,
I'd love to be the godfather
of your child
who I imagine is gonna be...
Please don't tell another bad
joke, ok? I'm already nauseous.
No, no, no, no.
Don't go. Don't go.
Hey, I...I want to get Tom
something nice for his birthday.
Do you have any ideas?
Here's a great idea.
Stop calling.
Ok, I can't...
I can't just
stop calling, Janet.
-I...
-I'm hanging up!
You're allowed to make
bad jokes, but he can't?
It wasn't a joke.
One day, you're gonna laugh
about what happened
at the wedding.
You just focus
on the bassinet, ok?
Dear Elizabeth,
uh, it's my brother's
birthday coming up
and I thought
of the perfect gift.
An autographed photo!
From you! Huh?
It's weird, but for some reason,
no-one ever believes that
we were friends in college.
Oh, random, but do you
remember I was in that
comedy improv troop
bootie and the hoefish?
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Katelyn just a friend.
Ok. Uh, hmm.
Hi. This is
Katelyn. Leave a message.
Hi, Katelyn.
Sid straw. Funny story.
I meant to call Kate,
my girlfriend,
which is how her name
is saved in my phone,
but the voice command
thought I said,
"Katelyn, just a friend,"
which is what you put
in my phone after our date.
So, actually,
come to think of it,
you were pretty insistent
on us just being friends
So maybe we should
grab lunch sometime.
Ok, give me a call
and we can schedule something.
Ok, bye.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Katelyn just a friend.
Uh, hmm.
Hi. This is Katelyn.
Leave a message.
Hi, Katelyn. Sid straw again.
I'm...I'm all for hands-free
devices, but wtf, right?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow
if you want to give me a call.
Ok, bye.
Call Kate my girlfriend.
Calling Ray's skate land.
Great. Ok.
Dear Elizabeth,
the reason I'm sending
this letter to your agent -
hi, Frankie -
is because
I heard it's the best way
to reach a huge star like you.
Do you remember when we took
intro to sociology together
with professor katz?
Those were great times.
Um, I hate to be a nuisance,
but would it be possible
for you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant
to stick a signed photo
of you in the mail?
I would owe you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant,
if she has one,
a massive favour.
I'm hoping to still
see you at the reunion.
You might not recognise me
'cause I've been working out.
Sincerely, sid straw.
Dear Elizabeth, Frankie
and Frankie's assistant,
I Know you're all very busy,
but I haven't received
the photo yet.
If you could please
send one asap,
I would really appreciate it.
Sincerely, sid straw.
Hm-hm-hm. Hey, Sam?
I Don't mean to bother you,
but did you get any of my mail
today by chance?
No way.
Oh, my gosh!
I think this is it.
I think this is it.
Ohh!
Look, look, look, look, look.
-Mmm.
-I Know her.
We went to college together.
-Ohh!
-Yeah.
Is that a smudge?
Oh, no.
W.a.a,
Frankie riceborough's office.
Is this about a...A movie
or a TV show? Script pitch?
Did the new
fallon tweet go viral?
Uh, Well, he has
50 million followers.
I'm sure some of them
watched it.
What is the definition
of 'viral' anyway?
Does it have to hit, like,
a certain number or...
I Don't know.
Do you remember
the guy sid straw?
The guy that keeps asking
for autographed photographs
of Elizabeth banks?
Only because
you keep telling me.
Right, the photo
that we sent him was smudged.
Oh, it was smudged.
Ok, Well, I talked to
marketing and he was right.
Somebody spilled water
over the whole stack.
How many letters
did this guy send?
-A few.
-And now he's calling?
Ok, we have a new policy.
Zero tolerance
for client harassment.
Ok, Well, technically
he's calling us, not her.
Ok, after this, if there's
one more peep from this wacko,
I want our lawyers
to get a restraining order.
Ok, Well, I Don't think
it's harassment.
I mean, he says
he's a close acquaintance
of Elizabeth banks.
There is no such thing.
Well, they went
to penn together.
-He dated her sister.
-Sarah dated him?
Oh, no, her...
Her sorority sister.
Uh, Tracey swid.
Ok. One more peep
and I'll...I'll call legal.
-Hey, sid.
-Hey, 'Sam I am'.
'Green eggs and ham'.
That's a good one, yeah.
No, the Sammy hagar song.
Ok. Cool.
Oh, gosh! Why does it
keep coming to you?
That's silly. Oh!
Yes! Yes! No smudges!
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look. Look.
- Wow.
- Ah!
Hey, Jeanne, I need a favour.
Do you think
you could write this
to make it look like her
handwriting, with this?
I thought you said you knew her.
I do.
Fine.
Thank you.
Can I have my... thanks.
at first I felt
sick to my stomach
but then my...
did you like my playlist?
Actually, I haven't gotten
a chance to listen to it yet.
Oh, you're listening to it now.
Oh.
Um, cool.
Hey, should we stop and maybe
get something
to bring to the party?
The e-vite said they were
gonna have beer and mixers.
I'm kind of
more of a bubbly person
So, um, maybe we could
get some prosecco.
Ooh, prosecco. Wow.
Oh, there's actually a neat
little liquor store a block up.
We could just go there.
-Did you want to stop?
-Yeah.
Yeah, let's...Let's stop
and go get some prosecco.
Just right up there. I think
you can see the parking lot.
I only like making right turns
So is it ok
if I kind of do a round
and then come around that way?
Oh, it's... ok, yes.
If you want, you can do
a u-turn right here.
-Ooh, that's...
-Right...
I'm not great at those.
ooh, yeah
you've got me
feeling like...
I am really nervous
about Tom's gift.
You know what
I do when I'm nervous?
I take a deep breath
and I hold it in.
I just gotta...I gotta
fix things with Janet
or she's never gonna
let me see the baby.
And my instinct is to
kind of lighten the mood,
but she makes it
really, really, really hard.
Hey, did you want me
to sign your name on this?
I put some space after 'sid'
if you want to add 'and Kate'.
-No. I'm...I'm ok.
-Ok. Thanks.
-Hey, mom and dad!
-Sid.
-Hey!
-You must be Kate.
Yes. Hi.
Thank you for having me.
- Your yard is beautiful.
- Oh, thanks.
Is that Kate like middleton,
with a 'k',
or Cate like blanchett,
with a 'c'?
Ok, nobody spells Cate
with a 'c'.
Well, Caitlyn jenner.
That's a 'c'.
-Is she a 'Cate'? No.
-What about Cate blanchett?
You already said Cate blanchett.
Yeah, but you said nobody
spells Cate with a 'c'.
-Nobody except Cate blanchett.
-Well, I spell mine with a 'k'.
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, Well.
-Here. I can take those.
-That's fine. I can...
- No. No. No.
- Ok.
Hey, Tom and Janet! Hey.
-Hey!
-Oh!
I want you to meet
my girlfriend Kate.
Girlfriend? Strong word.
Well, I'm a girl
and I'm a friend.
Oh, Well, it's nice
to meet you, Kate.
This is my roommate Janet.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
Janet. It's So, um...To see you.
Right.
I got... look at this.
I got some words.
-Oh, boy!
-No. Nope.
Sid, no speeches tonight.
I'm sorry.
Aw, but it's something
to celebrate.
-It's Tom's birthday.
-Yeah, it's not happening.
-How about a simple toast?
-I brought some bubbly.
No toasts. No booze.
-Out of...
-Right?
-Yeah, out of solidarity.
-Yeah.
I thought you said
there was gonna
be beer and mixers tonight.
Oh, no, no, no, I said
ginger beer and root beer
and a lot of...
Lot of mixers over there.
But, yeah, no alcohol.
But, hey, let him give a speech.
You'll make it short, right?
Yes, of course. Yes.
Ok, yeah, a toast,
but no speech.
And can you do it
before our friends show up?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
- Great.
-We got a deal! We made a deal.
-It's not really a deal.
We made a deal! We made a deal!
We made a deal! We made...
- Alright, here we go.
- Short and sweet.
So for those of you
who don't know me,
I'm sid, Tom's brother.
As a child,
Tom had one annoying habit -
he never lost his temper.
You could yell at him
all you want,
much like his wife Janet does.
But he won't argue back.
His best friend Brandon
and I tried everything.
We would step on his fingers
with cleats.
We would pull out hair
from all parts of his body.
You have a sick mind, Brandon.
Brandon was supposed
to be here for that one.
So even though Tom
may not get mad,
he knows how to get even.
He eats your possessions.
-That's correct.
-I mean, it's a perfect crime.
There's no evidence unless
it's mom's breakfast lasagna.
Urgh!
It's just a joke, mom.
Things my brother has eaten.
Numero uno -
a 1983 Dan quisenberry
strat-o-matic card.
-Do you remember that?
-Quiz was unhittable.
But he was not uneatable.
Ok, sid, let's wrap it up.
Ok. I'll get to the finale.
List of celebrities
who died at 34.
Dana Plato
from 'diff'rent strokes'.
She was taken from us too soon.
Serial killer Jeffrey dahmer,
who was probably taken from us
a little too late.
And outlaw Jesse James,
the one who robbed banks,
not the one who robbed
Sandra bullock
of five years of her life.
So congratulations to Tom
for surviving 34 years.
If you die this year
at 35 years old,
you will be in
much better company
with Mozart, Andy Kaufman
and ol' dirty bastard.
-Alright.
-Hear, hear.
- Oh, you're too much.
- Hear.
- I love you, bro.
- Hear, hear.
-Love you.
-Love you.
- Well, this is from me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Us.
- Aww.
I bought it.
Well,
you used my credit card.
Doesn't matter
who bought it.
It's a good one. 18 years old.
Oh, you got
a sick mind, Brandon.
It's a call back
from his speech earlier.
Thank you, Brandon.
Thank you, Allie.
- Here. This is from me.
- Ooh.
"Dear Tom, I hope you are
as cute as your brother.
"Elizabeth banks."
What?! What?!
Sid, that's incredible!
My god. You...
I love it, sid. Holy cow!
So is that, like, a gag gift?
No, no, she signed it. Look.
Right here. She signed it.
Sid claims that
he dated her in college.
No, I dated her sorority sister.
But do you not have
two copies of 'seabiscuit'?
I purchased a DVD
of 'seabiscuit'
at the used section
of a blockbuster
and then I received
a, uh, complimentary copy
with a new blu-ray player.
-Yeah.
-Ooh, score.
- That's two copies.
- So I'm a casual fan.
And i'm...I'm a casual friend.
-That's not a thing.
-No, that's a thing.
-I'm pretty sure it's not.
-No, it is.
-Nope.
-Yeah, it's...
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
Do you see what I see?
-I think I do.
-Yes, you do.
What is it?
I see my girlfriend Kate
standing next
to your wife Allie.
- Yep.
- I Don't get it.
I doubt
you're missing much.
sometimes
tears and sorrows
are all the things
I've got...
yes!
just when you think
you're all by yourself,
you're not
ba-da-da-da...
-up top.
-That the 'family ties' theme?
No, not 'family ties'.
It's...'Kate & Allie'.
-'Kate & Allie'.
-Oh.
- Great show.
- Great show.
Underrated show, actually.
-Yeah, it was ahead of its time.
-It was ahead of its time.
Sid...how'd you get
that picture?
I told you,
we went to penn together.
I'm co-chairing the reunion.
My friend Zoey from Harvard
works at her talent agency.
I had forgotten
you went to Harvard.
You didn't mention it today.
I bet Zoey knows her agent.
Yeah, her name
is Frankie riceborough.
Zoey can ask Frankie to
ask Liz if, uh, she knows sid.
-Ooh.
-Alright.
We'll play
six degrees of Kevin bacon.
Two degrees.
It would only be two degrees.
If you actually know her!
Come on. We don't have to do
this right now. That's silly.
Just... I mean, just let us know
when she gets back to you.
Just tell her I said hi.
Actually, tell her I said,
"eat wheaties!"
She'll remember that.
Oh, I already sent it,
So don't worry about it.
-She's writing back.
-Uh-oh!
I gotta prop myself up
for this one.
Oh.
-Oh.
-Her agent left.
-Ohh! Well, bummer.
-Dammit.
just when you think
you're all by yourself
you're not.
- went for it there, huh?
- "Not."
I went for it.
Mmm...
Hey. I got time
to come up for a drink.
You know, I'm actually
pretty tired.
Oh, ok. Alright.
I think, um...
..I think we need
to slow things down.
Like, musically?
Romantically.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I...
An ex just kind of
came back into town
and I want to see
where that goes.
Yeah.
-No hard feelings?
-No. No, no, no...
Ooh, your hands
are wetter than mine.
Sid, I was So nervous
about this conversation.
Oh, that's ok.
I tried to get drunk at
your parents' house. I'm sorry.
That's alright.
I appreciate your clamminess.
-Take care, sid.
-I will.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
-Goodnight, sid. Bye.
-Bye-bye. Goodnight.
Thought we had something.
But I guess we didn't.
I guess we did not.
everything's good
when you find...
is it wrong that I made your
birthday party a sober one?
Wrong? No.
A little bit selfish.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
You were extra hard
on him tonight.
What? Extra...
That's our thing.
That's what we do.
He pushes my buttons.
You know in that speech he said
about me never getting angry?
That's because I idolised him.
He would hang out
with my friends.
I'd tag along with his.
-Sid had friends?
-Oh, yeah.
And then I went away and he
was all alone, like, a lot.
When you say it like that,
it makes me feel bad for him.
And then we came back.
-We have our thing.
-Yeah.
And you've seen
how my parents are.
Yeah, 'cause they
never close any doors.
But that's the kind
of intense, like,
all-in relationship
that sid's always wanted
and that's when
he started trying too hard
and saying too much and
became the sid that you know.
Yep, the sid
that ruined our wedding.
He didn't ruin our wedding.
Oh, sid stepped on
my wedding dress and tore it.
My wedding dress,
on my wedding day.
And then he invited that
baseball guy as his plus one.
Who does that?
-It's not funny.
-No.
It was not a funny
situation at all.
No, it's not funny!
But he tried to make up for it.
Yeah, Well, he tries too hard.
Think about the time
and effort it must have taken
to get me that signed photo.
Did I sabotage things with Kate?
Oh, no, he probably
did that on his own.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
You know what?
I am going to send sid
a friend request.
-Aww.
-Hmph!
-Look at you.
-Yep.
-So sweet.
-Mm-hmm.
Dear Elizabeth, uh,
Kate broke up with me tonight.
It came out of nowhere.
It was just like
in 'definitely maybe'
when you told Ryan Reynolds
that you cheated on him
with his roommate
after he proposed
to get him to break up with you
even though you didn't,
although I didn't
propose to Kate
and she didn't say
she cheated on me.
Do you think that means
she did cheat on me?
Oh, and if somebody named Zoey
asks your agent Frankie
if you know me,
could you please
just have her say yes?
I'd really appreciate it.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Anyone call?
Jasper aronovitch called
and sid straw.
-Who is sid straw?
-The banks guy.
He peeped?
He said that Zoey dobbs
might ask you
whether or not you know him
and if she does,
if you would please say yes.
Peep, peep, peep!
What do you want me to do?
Get the restraining order.
-And...
-This is cold.
And if Zoey asks
if you know him?
Sorry to hear
about, uh, your girlfriend.
Oh, it's ok.
Gosh, I gotta tell you, man,
your house, your family,
it's like a magazine.
Yep, things are pretty good
at the homestead.
-Yeah.
-Fred!
Come on. It's time to eat.
Hey, I didn't tell you.
I sent a friend request
to Elizabeth banks.
I mean, she hasn't
accepted yet, but...
She, um, probably won't.
But her agent was really nice.
He sent me
an autographed picture.
-Her agent?
-Yeah.
Have I ever told you
the story of the atomic wedgie?
No.
I was six or seven years old.
I had a crush on a senior
named sherri back in saegertown.
Now, she was older than me,
but, you know,
older pretty girls...
Yeah.
So, anyway, she babysits
a friend of mine, Josh, right?
One day Josh invites me over
while she's watching him.
He and I like wwf.
-We're horsing around.
-Yeah.
Sherri's watching.
She says, "I want a turn."
"Yes! Ok, fine."
So she takes it easy
right in the beginning
and then she gets Josh in
this serious headlock, right?
-Yeah.
-I'm freaking out. I tag in.
-Yeah.
-And I give her...
..An atomic wedgie.
-What?
-She let go of Josh pretty fast.
Cut to 10 years later.
I sneak in to see
'basic instinct'
and who do I see up
on the big screen but sherri
and she's not wearing any...
- Panties.
- That's right, buddy.
You know the story
better than most.
Wait, you were talking
about Sharon stone?
Well, she's sherri to me.
You gave a wedgie
to Sharon stone?
It's my claim to fame.
Do you, like, keep in touch
with her and stuff?
Sharon stone? No.
She's Sharon stone.
-Huh. That's crazy, man.
-Yeah, it's nuts.
I smell gas.
- Uh...
- No.
I Don't smell anything.
You smell that?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
-Wow. You got a good nose.
-Ok.
-I smell it now. Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That's...
No-one take a nap.
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, got a lot
of free time now
since the breakup
and I started writing
a children's story.
It's called 'Fred smells'.
Here's an excerpt.
"This is a story I have to tell.
"It's all about Fred
and how Fred smells."
By the way,
professor katz rsvp'd
and he's coming to the reunion.
Do you remember when he fell
asleep and someone wrote,
"just a little katz nap,"
on the chalkboard?
That's was me! Ha-ha!
You and Tracey swid
sat in the front row.
I was in the fourth row.
Of course, maybe you didn't
notice me, but I was there.
Hey, is there any way you have
Tracey swid's contact info?
I mean, I'm single, clearly,
and ready to mingle.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
They made me
sign for this at reception.
Apparently, you've been served.
I need to see you touch it.
Ok.
What?
Restraining order?
- Yeah, this is legit.
- I Don't understand.
She lives in Los Angeles.
I live in Arizona.
You know how easy it is
to get a restraining order?
How easy is it?
A...a phone call
and one notarised document.
Maybe two phone calls.
But I Don't know
what that means exactly.
It means the court declared you
a threat to their
personal safety.
In layman's terms, it means
you have to stay away from them.
I was speaking
in layman's terms.
If the layman is a lawyer,
then I agree.
I'm co-chairing
our college reunion.
Elizabeth banks is invited.
-What if she shows up?
-You won't be able to go.
Unless you contest
the restraining order.
And win.
I think even the layman
got what I meant.
If you don't stop, you may not
be a 'layman' for a long time.
So how much would it
be to fight it?
-I bill at 750 an hour.
-I'm 800.
Wow! That's a lot.
You couldn't resolve it
in half an hour, could you?
-No.
-Oh, no.
Sorry.
How much do you
charge by the hour?
$450.
Hmm, you can't do it
in 45 minutes?
-No. No, I can't.
-Yeah. It was nice meeting you.
Welcome to fisk and sons.
Are you the fisk
or are you a son?
-I am fisk.
-Oh.
And these are my two sons.
-Oh.
-And my wife.
-Hi!
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
We're not lawyers.
She is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Aww. How did you two meet?
Online.
Gosh. The whole world is online.
Oh, tell me about it.
I even got my law degree online.
Uh, I Don't want
to waste your time.
How much do you charge
by the hour?
My rate is 85...
..Dollars an hour.
Perfect.
Yeah?
Put her there.
-Some reach!
-Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy, what's going on?
- State bar of Arizona.
- Hi.
Um, are you able
to confirm if my lawyer
is in good standing
with the state bar?
- What's his name?
- James fisk.
He went to John Morris
law school...Dot com.
Oh, come in.
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm gonna have to represent
myself in this matter.
Uh, yeah, no, sid.
Whatever you think is best.
- I hate to say this...
- Ok, I need some wipes.
-Hey.
-Thank you.
Yeah, also, the bar said
that since your degree
is from a non-accredited
law school,
you're technically
practising law illegally.
I didn't want to say that
to you. You're such a nice man.
No, that makes sense.
-Um...
-Yeah.
-I just... if I can chime in?
-Yeah.
He really is So much smarter
than he looks.
No, yeah.
Baby, that's...
That's a compliment.
-Oh, I...I know.
-Yeah.
Oh.
You know, hey, if you ever
get in good standing,
I'd love to work together.
Absolutely, sid.
And, uh...It was
nice to meet you.
Yeah, So nice meeting you.
And nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you, sid!
-Sid.
-Mm.
-You've been here a long time.
-Mm-hmm.
-Longer than me.
-Yeah.
-You never take vacation.
-Mm.
You use Skype
for long-distance calls.
And you are diligent
with your courtesy flush.
But, uh, your recent
browser history is problematic.
Hmm?
You spend too much time
on social media.
Let me explain.
It was for a college reunion.
And I Know Elizabeth banks.
Look, I Know it can get
lonely when you're single.
After my divorce...
..I made some
questionable decisions.
-Mm.
-And then I met Ruth.
Mm.
Ah!
There's zero tolerance
for office tomfoolery.
-Mm-hmm.
-Consider yourself on notice.
Yes, Bruce.
Dear Elizabeth, have you
ever felt like your life
was spiralling out of control,
like your movie 'walk of shame',
you know,
minus the crack dealers?
First, there's
the restraining order,
which I'm sure
is a misunderstanding
with your agent.
Then I got put
on notice at work.
Don't even ask.
And it turns out the caterer
I wanted for the reunion
is double-booked.
I mean, by the looks
of your Facebook page,
things are great for you,
So keep it up.
And if I figure out
the legal stuff,
I'll just look for you
at the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
What?!
Oh... no!
-No.
-What?
Well, have you seen
your brother's Facebook?
Oh, my god. It's blowing up!
-What? Why?
-Wait. Stop! I'm reading.
Let me see it.
What is that?
Oh, my god.
He's writing crazy posts
on Elizabeth banks' fan page.
Look, and now people
are starting to take notice.
-Oh, no.
-No.
He doesn't know that
he's posting them publicly.
Look at all the comments!
Wow. It's actually
kind of impressive.
I got to call him,
tell him to take them down.
Yeah, Well,
it's too late for that.
What do you mean, it's too late?
You can't take stuff
off the Facebook.
What are you talking about?
-Of course you can.
-Once it's on...
Hey, Tom.
- Sid, sid! The Facebook!
- Yeah... ooh.
- You've gotta take the stuff...
- I need to call you back.
-Hi.
-Didn't you get my letter?
No, I didn't get anything.
You...you need
to read my letter.
Oh, alright.
Well, maybe Jeanne has it.
Sorry. Uh, Jeanne?
Hey Jeanne, do you have
a letter for me from...
Oh. I Don't know why
you didn't give this to me.
What?
Sorry.
You said
I was just on notice.
That's before I saw your posts
on Elizabeth banks'
Facebook page.
How do you know about those?
They went viral.
What does that mean?
It means a lot of people saw it.
How many people saw it?
Who knows? Like, a thousand?
Mm, more like a million.
-What?
-All of our customers.
If you're gonna obsess
over a celebrity,
I suggest you do it in private.
I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth banks.
I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth banks.
The restraining order
says otherwise.
That is a temporary
restraining order.
And do you know how easy
those are to get?
It is one phone call
and one notarised document.
Sid, my hands are tied.
It's not good.
Oh, my god.
-Congratulations, Sam.
-Thanks, sid.
Hey, sid, wait.
You forgot these.
-Thank you.
-Yep.
Welcome
to your new office, Sam.
-Holla!
-Holla!
- Who started that?
- I think you did.
-Yeah, maybe I did.
-Yeah, you did.
-Come on in!
-Genius, man!
Whoo!
Dear Elizabeth,
I'm really sorry
if my posts embarrassed you.
Going forward, I...I promise
to send them all privately.
I Don't...i don't know
how I missed that.
I got fired today
after 14 years.
But don't worry.
The...The job market is strong.
And I'm sure my old boss
will write a...A great letter
of recommendation.
Plus, now I'll have, you know...
I'll have time to focus
on the venue for the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
You have one new message.
Sid, this is Sarah,
co-chair of the penn
reunion committee.
The Dean called me
personally to request
that you be removed
from your position
as co-chair,
effective immediately.
Please don't call me back.
Or text. Or email.
-Hey, sid.
-Hey.
You flying solo tonight?
Oh, just me, myself and pie.
Oh, we took apple pie
off the menu a while ago.
Oh. Do you have any other pie?
Hmm, key lime.
Mmm, but that's not
until the summer.
Hmm, it's just me and myself,
then.
Hmm, what happened to Kate?
Kate. Kate went back
to her ex-boyfriend.
-Dang. That's sucks.
-Yeah.
-She seemed nice.
-Oh, yeah, she was very nice.
Well, the good news is she's
open to revisiting her exes
and she's not gonna take out
a restraining order on me.
So that's a plus.
I like your optimism, sid.
-I'll be right back.
-Ok. Alright.
These, my friend, are on me.
Oh, wow.
Are they virgins? That's nice.
- Filthy whores.
- Oh!
If you need anything,
let me know.
Oh-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!
They are filthy.
Ooh, momma.
I hope you find it
I hope you find it
out there...
your rsum is excellent,
mr straw,
and you seem like
a really nice guy.
Uh, I Don't know what Bruce rapp
was thinking letting you go.
But we'd be lucky to have you.
-Oh, thank you, ms portino.
-Yeah.
Expect to hear
from me soon, So...
-Wonderful.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Hey, ms portino. How are you?
This is sid straw.
Yes, I just wanted to thank you
for the generous offer
for the...The vp position
of sales and marketing.
I humbly accept
and I will see you on Monday.
Ok! Ok, thank you So much.
Uh-huh. Bye-bye.
Ha!
Hi, ms portino.
This is sid straw.
I'm sorry I missed you.
I Don't know what
the background check showed,
but I was curious if there
was anything I could do
to change your mind
about withdrawing the offer.
Thank you So much for meeting
with me about the vp position.
Thank you So much for meeting me
about the director of marketing.
Whoo!
Oh, yeah.
I can totally move. Yeah.
I've been dying to go to Ohio.
What's after manager?
Do you have
an assistant manager?
No?
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, moved back home
with my parents.
It's temporary,
like the restraining order,
which I'm hoping will be
resolved before the reunion.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Here you go.
-My god.
-Turkey bacon ok?
What a massive mug.
Yeah, that's fine.
Dear Elizabeth, money is tight
and it's Janet's
birthday coming up.
I might have to borrow money
to buy her a gift.
And my mom tried
to tuck me in last night.
Egad!
Eat wheaties! Sid.
Dear Elizabeth, I hope you
didn't take that last post
to mean I was asking you
to borrow money.
Eat wheaties! Sid.
-Hi. How can I help you?
-Hello.
I'd like to cash
this cheque, please.
Uh, the ID and the cheque
don't match.
Yeah, I Know.
They must have made
a clerical error
at the unemployment office.
Uh-huh. This cheque
is made out to 'sad striw'.
-You're sid straw.
-Straw. Yeah, I Know, I Know.
I guess they just switched
the 'a' and 'i'
and they just made sid...Sad.
I'm gonna have
to talk to my supervisor.
-Of course. Of course.
-Ok. Yeah.
There's some weird guy
named sad or sid or...
Who would name their kid 'sad'?
Hello.
Thank you.
Defrauding the state's
unemployment regulations
is a crime, sir.
I...i didn't
defraud anyone.
I...I'm unemployed.
I've been coming
to this bank for years.
I mean, if you look, there's...
I was just gonna show you where
the addresses are the same.
I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
No.
-I just... please.
-Don't.
-I can't...
-Stop.
-I was only gonna...
-Stop.
- Thank you, mom.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, mom!
- Alright.
-So this is Shepherd's pie.
-Mmm!
But instead of lamb,
I used ground buffalo meat.
It's leaner
and it's high in omega-3s.
And instead of mashed potatoes,
that's cauliflower.
-Oh, wow.
-Looks delicious.
-Ooh!
-Mmm!
Mmm. Ooh!
Mm, mmm!
You know what, as much
as I would love to eat it,
I'm actually staying away
from wild game.
-Yeah.
-So...
Dr solinski's orders.
Well, more leftovers
for you, sid.
One of the perks
of living at home.
Hey, Janet,
I have a surprise for you.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, my goodness!
Sid!
Wow, sid.
Let's see... oh.
I bedazzled it myself.
- Oh!
- Yes, you did.
That is...That is something.
- Oh.
- It took me a long time.
I found it on pinterest.
A lot of people are doing it.
And it's kind of a trend.
People do sweatshirts
and, you know, hats
and belts seemed to be,
you know,
the one that was
the most popular.
- It's very thoughtful, sid.
- That's really kind.
- It's...
- Thank you.
So I heard you swung by
Brandon's office the other day?
Yeah, I did.
He has a really nice office.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I Know.
Janet, I wanted to ask you,
have you heard back
from your friend Zoey
about Elizabeth banks' agent?
Yeah, um...
She heard that they took out
a restraining order against you.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
But did she find out
if Elizabeth remembered me?
You ok?
Yeah. Thank you.
Oh...
Look, sid, I...I know
these last few months
things haven't been
going your way.
-Um...
-Mmm.
It's alright.
But I really think...
..You gotta...You gotta stop.
Stop what?
Stop trying So hard,
like, with everything.
Look, it's like mom,
right, and her cooking.
Sometimes it's just better
to be simple, like, normal.
Like, "hey, mom, can I just have
a regular Shepherd's pie?"
You know?
I just think
you try too hard and...
It's like the Darryl thing
at the wedding.
Oh, come on.
-That was So funny.
-Yeah.
But you get what
I'm saying, right?
Alright,
I'll try to stop trying.
This isn't an inside joke, sid.
You are unemployed.
You are living at home
with your parents.
And instead
of picking yourself up,
getting back on your feet,
you're making belts
and you're wondering whether
Elizabeth banks remembers you?
I didn't make the belt.
I bedazzled it.
Oh, my god. Sid, look at me.
Elizabeth banks
doesn't remember you.
Tom, want to get going?
-See you, sid.
-Yeah, see you.
Keep your eye
on the ball.
You are doing
a lot of chopping,
but no chips are flying.
Hey, I really appreciate
you inviting me out.
I had to get out
of that house, man.
-It's gotta be So depressing.
-Oh...
Living under the roof
with your parents again.
Oh, that's ok, Fred. That's ok.
What's this? What's this?
Elbows down.
You're like a chicken, alright?
Go!
Bah-gawk!
Here we go. This is how fast
it's gonna come on the day.
Come on!
Don't look... just pick them up.
Pick them up.
You're done, you're done.
Put down the bat. You're done.
I wasn't even gonna
go to the reunion,
but now that you're banned,
I feel like somebody
should go there
just to tell
your side of the story.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna do that for you.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, my god, we should
reunite the hoefish.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-Oh, my god!
That would be So great.
-We'll do it in honour of you.
-Aww!
And people will be like,
"oh, I wish he was here!"
I can't believe I'm missing it.
-Yeah.
-I can't believe it.
You'll be there in spirit.
-Can I hit again?
-No, it's...It's my turn.
- It's my turn.
- Oh...
Oh, my god. There's no tears
in baseball. Watch this.
Ok, hold on. I just...
I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready.
Almost, man.
Ah!
It's, uh...
..It's my carpal tunnel.
I have an old judo injury.
Do you think I could try?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Give it a shot.
Hah!
Arggh!
Dear Elizabeth,
I, uh, think this will be
my last message for a while.
I finished writing
'Fred smells',
but after re-reading it,
I realise it stinks.
Dreams, uh, can't
come true for everyone.
Otherwise, everyone
would be an actor
or an astronaut or Dr. Seuss.
I want to thank you
for being there for me
the last few months,
even if you weren't.
Writing to you has made me
feel better about myself,
thinking that there's
a world where you remember me
and cared about what was
happening in my life.
But now I realise
I need to try harder
to put my life back together.
Or less hard.
Or both, I guess.
I'm gonna fight
the restraining order
and make it to the reunion.
I really hope you can make it
and please don't miss it
on my behalf.
Eat wheaties!
Sid.
I'm telling you,
I'm 100% sure that
in the state of California...
You're saying that
it doesn't matter
that I went to
a non-accredited law school?
No, I spent hours
researching it
and I called
three times to confirm.
Ok, So if I did pass
the bar exam,
then would you hire me
for the restraining order?
Yeah, definitely.
Wait, and does this mean
that we would all
get to go to California?
- Sure.
- Ok.
Well, let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
I do know that the bar exam
in California
is known to be pretty difficult.
Ok, but, sweetheart,
I mean, we'll help you.
I will take the kids full-time.
-I can help.
-With the kids?
-Yeah.
-Wow! Ok.
Do you have any babysitting
experience or anything?
No, but I can try.
You can start
with the older one.
He's So much easier.
He's very calm and...
Gary is the easier one.
Dale is the older one.
Oh, Dale! No, yeah, Dale
was born 12 seconds earlier.
-12 minutes.
-12 minutes earlier.
He's a lot smarter
than he looks, really.
Ok. At some point,
that stops being a compliment.
-Ok.
-So...are we a go with this?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Yes!
Yes! Honey!
-Ok, we're doing it.
-We're doing it. Mwah!
- Love you.
- Yes!
Hello!
-This is...This is fantastic.
-Oh, right.
And I think you'd be a great
addition to the spartina team.
Oh, fantastic.
-I do.
-Yeah. Thank you So much.
Well, I Know
it's been a long road...
alright, let's do this.
So I love an acronym
and I always...
- Five.
- Oh!
-Good job.
-Ok.
it'll be alright...
-oh!
-Whoa!
Yeah!
Here we go.
-Oh, thank god!
-Yeah!
Oh, my god! You did it!
-You said I could do it.
-Give it to me.
-You said I could do it.
-Oh, my god!
Ohh!
Ok, the next case on
the docket is number 954532 -
a restraining order issued by
Frankie riceborough
and Elizabeth banks.
-Is she here?
-No, your honour.
Oh.
The defendant sid straw?
Oh, yes. Uh, there he is,
your honour.
-And who are you?
-My name is James fisk.
I'm a lawyer and this...
-..Is my first case.
-Hmm.
- Whoo!
- That's my wife.
And what are we doing here?
My client, ms riceborough,
and her client, ms banks,
have been repeatedly
harassed by the defendant
and we'd like the temporary
restraining order
made permanent.
It says here that the defendant
lives in scottsdale.
Mr straw, why on earth
are you harassing
ms riceborough and ms banks?
And how exactly do you know her?
We went to college together.
And I dated her sorority
sister, Tracey swid.
-So you don't really know her?
-No, I do.
I did.
Ms riceborough,
how exactly has mr straw
been harassing you
and ms banks from scottsdale?
Well, thank you
for asking, your honour.
Mr straw has been
incessantly harassing
both me and my client
with letters, phone calls
and social media posts
with the sole intention
of intimidating us
into a relationship
in order to prove
how important he is
that he knows a celebrity.
Now, I Know we live in a world
where everyone has
this illusion of access,
that anyone can just tweet out
or friend their favourite
celebrity, but my job...
Excuse me, my duty
is to protect my client
from whack jobs like him,
people who feel like
they are owed the right
to just call us up and
interrupt our busy assistants
to demand an autographed picture
and then complain
when they are smudged.
Can...can I say something now?
When do... can I speak
sometime soon?
Mr straw, is ms riceborough
telling the truth?
Yes.
I mean, she could have
said it in a nicer way,
but, yes, I did ask for
an autographed picture
for my brother's birthday
and I did contact
her assistant, Keaton,
when I saw that the picture
I was sent had a smudge.
And...
Why are you standing?
I'm...I'm Keaton.
And, yeah, he's right.
The, uh...The photo was smudged.
Continue, mr straw.
And I did post on her
Facebook page some things...
A lot of things.
But I did not mean
to harass her, your honour.
Mr straw, you may live far away,
but in this day and age,
we treat cyberbullying
as a serious crime.
And with your
college reunion coming up,
there is a possibility you will
be in physical proximity to her.
You have been
fired from your job,
removed from
a volunteer position
and publicly mocked
for your celebrity obsession.
And...he also just moved in
with his parents.
I Don't know
if that was necessary.
No, I Don't know.
I Don't know what I'm doing.
Isn't it time to go back home,
get your life back together
and just forget all this
Elizabeth banks nonsense?
This is not about
Elizabeth banks, your honour.
This is about me, sid straw,
being able to go
back to my reunion
confident about who I am
and what I've become.
I understand that I'm not the
most exciting person out there
and I've had
some rough patches, yes.
But I got new friends.
I got a new job.
I'm playing softball again.
And I want to go to my reunion.
And I can't do that
with a restraining order
hanging over me.
Can you tell me one thing
about you and Elizabeth banks
from college
that would help me believe
that this supposed
friendship of yours
doesn't just exist
in your imagination?
One story that
can be corroborated
here today in this courtroom?
I have no choice
but to extend the restraining
order by five years.
Wait. I have a story.
It was my freshman year,
and, uh...
..I was having a hard time
making friends.
I think it had something
to do with the fact
that I had a role in banning
hot plates from the dorms.
In my defence, I had just
seen the movie 'backdraft'
and I had a lot of
sensitivity to fire hazards.
So to meet people, I joined
this co-ed volleyball team
and that's where I met
ms banks and ms swid
who later became my...
A girl that I briefly dated.
Our team was not very good.
We weren't very good.
We lost the first two matches
and then our third match,
we were playing against
all these jocks and it got ugly.
Not just the spiking,
but they were mean.
And we were just begging...
..Begging for the game to end
when Elizabeth banks stepped up
and called a timeout.
I Don't even know if there's
timeout in volleyball.
We huddled together
and did it anyway.
And she looked at us
and she said,
"did any of you eat
your wheaties this morning?
"'Cause if you did,
"now is the time
they're gonna kick in."
And I'm telling you,
in the next 10 minutes,
it was nothing short
of a miracle.
It was...It was like
we were pros!
We were spiking,
we were setting,
we were diving for balls
and saving points.
We were seconds away,
many times, of losing the game
and we'd get the game back.
And then in the end,
our team was one point away
from winning the game.
And it was my serve. My serve.
This was my moment to shine.
And I tossed the ball up,
I threw my hand back
and I just launched it.
Was it an ace?
No, I choked
and it went out of bounds
and they won the game.
But here's the deal.
My team was not angry about it.
We had shown them
what we were made of.
We had shown ourselves that
we can accomplish something
much bigger than winning.
And every single time
after that,
every time we saw
Elizabeth banks,
she would look at us
and instead of saying goodbye,
she would say, "eat wheaties!"
And it was like we were
just transported back
to that very specific
moment in time.
Counsellor, can you corroborate
any part of mr straw's story?
Yes, actually I can,
your honour.
I would like to present
to you and the court
defence exhibit a.
Do I just bring it
up to you or... oh, ok.
Here is exhibit a, in which
you will find a photograph
clearly depicting
my client, mr straw,
and two people over, you will
also see a familiar face.
That is ms banks.
Clearly, they're in
the same photograph.
You're gonna have to do
better than that.
-Did you see the photo?
-Yes.
Um, your honour, may I make
a closing statement?
Make it quick.
My client, sid straw,
is many things.
Unusual? Maybe.
Compulsive?
Yeah, you could say that.
Socially awkward? Definitely.
But the one thing
my client is not
is a danger to himself
or any other human being.
I mean, sid...Sid is a good guy.
And I ask you this much.
When you are deciding
my client's fate here today,
please take this into account.
If he did make up and fabricate
the story about the wheaties,
then, Well, why would
he cast himself
as...as a loser?
Right? Who would do that?
He did it because
it's the truth.
Sid is a loser...
..Or was a loser.
Make him a winner.
I Don't think you're a loser.
-Oh, no.
-Personally. I love you.
Thanks. I love you too.
That was really good.
I should have wrote
some of that out.
-No, no, it was really...
-It was a little...
-It was perfect. It was perfect.
-Thanks.
Ms riceborough, do you have
any evidence of mr straw
saying anything
intimidating or derogatory
towards you or ms banks?
Um...
No, your honour.
Can you give me one reason
why he might be a danger
to you or ms banks?
Well, he's very persistent...
..But he's not a danger.
Well, come to think of it,
we would not be here
wasting the court's time
were it not for your
restraining order,
which you based
on a few phone calls
asking for one autographed
photo, which was smudged,
and some weird
Facebook posts on her page,
of which I am sure
there are thousands.
I hereby remove
the restraining order
under the one condition
that you never make
any unsolicited contact
to ms banks again,
either in person
or on social media.
Is that understood?
Yes, your honour.
That's understood.
-Case dismissed.
-Oh!
Wait, your honour.
Did we just win?
Sort of.
-Yeah!
-Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!
Can I get some?
Can you get some more?
Can I also have some?
Can we both have some?
-Oh, I feel good!
-Yes!
Heya!
Oh, that felt good.
Yeah, it still feels good.
I Know.
Hey, let's go sue
some other people.
Yes!
You have defamed my client.
- That's preposterous.
- I can't defame him.
He's not famous.
Defamation is the action
of damaging someone's
good reputation.
I didn't do that.
By providing false information
to a number of mr straw's
prospective employers...
Mm-hmm.
..You did indeed cause
'ear-rep-pair-a-buhl'
harm to my client.
We withdrew our offer
to mr straw in a timely manner.
By conducting
a background check on mr straw
without his express
written permission,
you have violated federal law
under the fair credit
reporting act.
Did you see his posts?
Did you hear what I said
about violating federal law?
I would put a staple
through my hand
before I let you do it again.
-Is that what you want?
-That's...That's not...
Want me to put
a staple through my hand?
I Don't think
we wanna do that.
I'll do it.
Ok.
-You see that?
-That's...
That's a staple
in a man's hand for a friend.
Consider this, uh...
..Repaired.
-Ah-ah!
-Ooh!
-Thank you.
-Ok, wow, grabby.
Your book is the first
I've ever published
from a cold submission.
-Oh!
-You know what that tells me?
-You know what I smell?
-Hmm?
- Success.
- Ah!
I think sid also smells sequels.
Sequels!
-Do I sign...Do I sign here?
-Ah, yes. Sign right there.
-Hello.
-Excuse me, sir, you...
Um, just one second.
Sure.
-Welcome back, mr straw.
-Oh, thank you.
Would you like us
to deposit these for you?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm taking my money to a bank
where people are...Kinder.
Oh, wow.
I didn't think
I'd be this nervous.
Yeah. Me too.
Are you sure this is the place?
Yeah, this is the address.
Just looks a little
underdressed, you know?
Thought there'd be
balloons or...
-I Know. Me too.
-Something.
Well, hey, uh, good luck.
Thanks.
I really couldn't have
gotten here without you, James.
You know, I am real, real proud
to call you my client.
I'm proud to call you my lawyer.
I'm proud to call you my...
I was on the committee.
I should probably get inside.
-Oh, yeah, no, do your thing.
-Yeah.
Show these Ivy leaguers
how to party!
To be continued!
Hello.
Sarah.
Oh.
Namey-taggey.
Let me just... let's see.
Ok. Ok.
Aha.
Alright.
I can't believe he's here.
Hey, Duncan.
-Oh, my god.
-Oh, hey, sid.
Hey. I'm So happy to see you.
-Where the hell is everybody?
-I Don't know.
We're the only hoefish here.
God dang it!
The Facebook page
made it look So good.
I Know. They got a lot of likes.
Hey, did you get my book?
Did you get it?
-I sent it, like, two days ago.
-Yeah.
Did you read it to Fred?
-No, no, I did not.
-Why?
I'm not gonna read a book
called 'Fred smells'
to my son Fred.
Why? It's...
That's a play on words.
How about I read you a book
called 'sid stinks like ass'?
No, no, no, no.
You...You don't understand.
'Fred smells' is a verb.
'Fred smells'
is not an adjective.
-It's a cash bar.
-No, listen, listen. Ok?
"Sometimes Fred smells
and says, 'that's delightful.'
"sometimes he smells
and says, 'that's frightful.'
"it doesn't matter
where Fred goes.
"Nothing gets past
his sensitive nose."
It sounds like he stinks.
I Don't know.
Congratulations
on your book deal.
Is that what you're looking for?
Congratulations on your new job,
on your landmark win
of the trial.
I... alright, I want
to mingle with other people.
Is Elizabeth banks coming?
Do you really
think she would come,
knowing he would be here?
-Hey, sid.
-Hey.
I just got off work
and I thought
maybe I could sit with you?
Oh, please. Are you kidding?
I'd love it.
-Awesome.
-I would love it. Ooh!
But I do not need
another filthy whore.
I'll tell you that much.
I need a friend right now.
Aww. What's going on?
It has been an exhausting day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
When is Kenny picking you up?
Yeah, uh,
I dumped him a while ago.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
-You did?
-Yeah.
Do you ever date customers?
-No.
-No.
- Nah.
- Yeah.
Would you ever date me?
Oh, sorry. Let me...
Oh, this is my brother.
Sorry, I gotta get this.
Hey, Tom, what's up?
What?
Hi, hi.
Ohh! Dude!
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
There's a person I've never met
in our hospital room.
Oh, yes, sorry, sorry.
This is Wendy.
How you doing, Wendy?
I'm Tom straw, sid's brother.
Hi. I'm Janet Berry-straw.
No relation
do Darryl strawberry?
- Ok.
- Sid...
No, I...I've never
said anything to you
about Darryl strawberry.
-Have I?
-Uh-uh.
Ok...
- Sid...
- Ok, that's frickin' weird.
Somebody want to tell me
what we're laughing at?
- Just show her.
- Look at this.
This was at their wedding.
This is...This is
Darryl strawberry
and sid dancing the 'Macarena'.
-Yeah, at their wedding.
-Wait.
You invited Darryl strawberry
to your brother's wedding?
-Yes. He was my plus one.
-And he came?
And he came
and he was a really nice guy.
What drugs did they give you?
Good ones, I think.
-He's good.
-And... he's good, yeah.
- Wait for it.
- Yeah, wait for it.
-No, no, not the dress.
-Yeah.
-Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the dress! The dress!
-Both girls.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It was bad.
-It was bad.
I would never do that.
-Oh, my...
-I would just...
Alright, we'll let you guys go.
We just wanted to say...
Come in and say hi.
Actually, we, uh,
want to ask you something.
Oh, yeah.
-What, me?
-Mmm.
Oh, right.
We want you to be the godfather.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry!
Sid?
-So amaze...
-Don't. Don't make me cry.
-So amazing.
-Aww!
Hi.
But listen. No speeches
at the christening, ok?
-Ok?
-I give a good speech.
They're
literally the worst.
-I give a good speech.
-Awful.
Do you want to hold her?
-Yes, I want to hold her.
-Ok, come here.
-I want to hold her.
-Just watch her head.
-It's So fragile.
-Hi, baby.
-Watch her head. There we go.
-Hi, baby. Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm uncle sid.
Uh, someone
is calling you right now.
No, no, it's ok.
The only people I want
to talk to are in this room.
Yes. I want to talk to you.
Hi. Uh, sid, it's Liz.
Elizabeth...banks.
Um, it's Elizabeth banks,
from penn and 'spider-man'.
Um, anyway,
I just read your posts.
Of course I remember you.
I Know this sounds crazy,
but ask anyone who knows me,
whenever I meet someone who is
especially nice, I always say,
"you remind me
of this awesome guy
"I went to college with,
sid straw."
Oh, gosh, I just realised
what time it is in Arizona.
I'm sorry. I really hope
I didn't wake anybody.
I just got back
from filming overseas
and the jet lag has me,
like, "waah!"
All over the place.
Ok, So you should call me
So we can catch up.
Eat wheaties!
Hey, I forgot to leave
my phone number.
It's Liz, again,
from 'spider-man 2' and '3'.
The first 'spider-man's.
You know, they made other ones.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind.
I got your number from Keaton.
Which reminds me,
my kids love 'Fred smells'.
Maybe we can make that
into a movie?
Anyway, alright.
You should call me back.
Uh, eat wheaties!