Dear White People (2014) Movie Script
1
Forty-year-old Gyrese,
you are not the father.
This nigger from New York
from the olden days...
bumpy son, bumpy.
Pose some secrets that are feeding
Shannon's crystal meth addiction.
- Now wait a minute, Kim.
- Get the [beep] out of my face!
What's wrong with you?
What the [beep] is your...
We already know what it is.
It's freestyle Friday.
A race war has erupted...
at one of the nation's oldest
and most prestigious institutions.
Outrage over an African-American
themed party...
organized by predominantly white
students of Winchester University...
...has resulted in rioting
and property damages.
Police were called to disrupt
a massive fight that broke out...
...between African-American
students and partygoers...
just after midnight.
To address diversity issues,
the school have recently...
...appointed African-American
scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks...
as dean of students.
Last year the Dean's office
celebrated slight...
...gains in diverse applicants...
but with many now calling
for Fairbanks' resignation...
that may have been premature.
School officials released a statement
claiming that an investigation...
into those responsible for the party...
and subsequent riot is underway.
An invite to the Halloween party,
sent via social media...
asked guests to liberate
their inner Negro...
fry up chicken...
enjoy a cough syrup based concoction
known as purple drank...
Dear white people.
The minimum requirement
of black friends...
needed to not seem racist
has just been raised to two.
Sorry, but your weed man
Tyrone does not count.
Hey, Kurt, you home?
Hey, you've reached Garmin House,
home of Lionel Higgins...
the only bitch on campus
who will give you a dickscount.
That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick...
the less you have to pay me to suck it.
Kurt, it's Lionel.
I'm locked out.
You know my parents call this line.
All right. Bye.
Dear white people...
apparently Morgan Freeman wasn't enough.
Obama could cure cancer...
and somewhere white folks
will be embroiled in protest.
And he's only half black.
- Talk to me.
- Hello there.
First time caller, long time listener.
So Sam, how would you feel...
if someone started a Dear Black People?
No need.
Mass media from Fox News
to reality TV on VH1...
makes it clear
what white people think of us.
Thanks for calling.
I'm pissed.
The whole point of randomized housing...
is to mix shit up.
I'm out here trying
to find the Olivier...
to my Halle Berry...
and they got me out here...
looking like an extra
on A Different World.
That's not okay. At all.
So your YouTube show, it's called...
"Doing Time at an Ivy League?"
In my second year
of a four year sentence.
Armstrong-Parker,
that's your housing assignment?
Traditionally it's where
the hopelessly Afrocentric gather...
to process their guilt
over not going to an HBCU.
Where the negros be at.
That's not where
you wanted to be, right?
Bechet House is more my style.
The rich white kids.
Excuse me?
- What part of Chicago are you from?
- Hyde Park.
What street?
- Seventy-eighth and...
- Seventy-eighth!
That's Southside, sweetheart.
You know what they say.
You can take the girl out the hood,
but you cannot take the hood...
There is nothing hood about me.
Thank you for your time.
So, how long will you
be on campus for casting?
Let me explain to you
the way reality TV works.
I'm the producer.
I ask the questions.
We'll be in touch.
Your hair is so cute B.T. Dubs.
- Well, you're so cute.
- Is it weaved?
I saw "Good Hair" in Afro Studies.
So, what house did you get?
- Oh, Bechet, bitch.
- Of course.
The mere thought of a Fletcher
anywhere else...
Oh, easy.
It was the luck of the draw.
Daddy had nothing to do with it.
Besides, if I had to pick
anywhere to be...
it would be here.
Well, I'm down to switch.
You get your Denzel, I get my Gosling.
Oh, I gots mine.
Do you want to meet him?
Cute, for a black boy.
Hey, Boo!
I want you to meet my friend Coco.
She's new to the house.
Hi, I'm Troy.
Welcome to Armstrong-Parker...
home of the dopest dining hall
in all of Winchester.
Are we on duty?
Babe, Head of House is always on duty.
Well, I should get going.
Thanks, Sof.
- Bye.
- Bye.
So, babe, you think
I got time for a quick cut?
You just got it cut last week.
It's a black thing, babe.
Since when is OCD a black thang?
Babe, please don't say
"thang" like that.
Besides, you have a shift
over at the Politicos booth...
and then you have
a shift at Orientation...
and then your advisor is coming over.
Okay, you know what?
I'll just wear a hat.
And then a movie maybe?
Just us?
Election night.
Babe, come on.
All right.
Yo, Kurt!
- My man.
- All right!
Hey, sis.
Is she kidding with this?
You don't have to run again.
Just because it's her doesn't mean...
Babe, I can't let Sam and her
wannabe Black Panthers take the house.
The house needs me, who I am.
It's who he wants you to be.
So you take a couple
of psych classes and now...
all of a sudden,
you think you're Freud?
Oh, a Freud reference?
Sophisticated.
Okay. Beck, Jung, Maslow.
Dear white people, this just in.
Dating a black person
to piss off your parents...
is a form of racism.
Yo, Troy, I forget.
Is your major in shucking
or was it jiving?
Well, my major's in Shuck.
I'm minoring in Jiving...
Wow, you're still majoring
in trying to fuck my leftovers, right?
You need a shower.
You're like Artie.
Dawg, your success ratio
with the ladies went up like 30%...
after I started edging you up, dawg.
Like, come on! You know?
You went from ODB to Trey Songz!
That's his platform? Haircuts?
Oofta is as oofta does.
Yes? Someone else is running?
Just because we're colored...
don't mean we run
on colored people time.
Boycotting hot combs don't make you
an expert on colored people, Boo.
I care about each
and every single one of you.
I care about this house.
So if it ain't broke...
All right, thank you, Troy Fairbanks.
Is this because of us?
Because we broke up over a year ago.
You seriously think you can win?
Troy, we live in a world where
there's a Big Mama's House 3.
I don't think I have
a chance in hell. Thank God.
Troy, my brother, it's broke.
Mm-hm.
Troy is a legacy kid...
and yet it's under his watch...
that Armstrong-Parker...
the bastion of black culture here...
was gutted...
by the Randomization of Housing Act.
Now, second years of color...
no longer have a say in where they go.
The culture that's been fostered...
in this house for two decades...
will be wiped out in two years.
This wasn't motivated
by a desire to mix things up...
bring about racial
and socioeconomic harmony, no.
The black kids are sitting together...
in the proverbial cafeteria...
so they must be up to no good.
Yeah! Mm-hm.
Over a century of houses
grouped by sports affiliations...
political leanings, majors, you name it.
Black kids get their own house
and suddenly we got a problem?
This doesn't affect the other houses
like it does ours.
There are plenty of trustees,
former coaches...
presidents watching out
for the others...
but all we have is a dean
who would rather please his massa...
- Yo, that's enough of that, Sam!
- Then stand up for his own!
Yes! Tell him! Yes!
I know y'all ain't gonna vote for me.
Y'all ain't ready.
The Black Student Union and I
have brought a petition...
to repeal
the Randomization of Housing Act.
I plan on bringing it
to the President and together...
we can bring black back to Winchester.
Yes!
It'll be by the door.
Quiet!
All right.
I assume everyone has
the app I created by now?
It's a child's app.
Good.
Voting may commence.
Okay.
Looks like we've got a winner.
Sam White?
Oh, shit.
Congratulations.
So that's what you're looking for?
I just want to make
good TV, sweetheart.
Well, I think I'd be good TV.
You're getting a great education
at a great school.
Why don't you just be good at that.
I am.
And when I graduate early with an
economics degree from Winchester...
it'll be the crowning achievement...
of my black middle class
parents' ambitions.
Yeah, well, conflict
is a commodity in my industry.
Sam has that. Do you?
So, what?
You want me to start a fight?
I don't want you to do anything
you wouldn't otherwise do.
Hey, you reached Garmin House...
home of Lionel Higgins...
the only bitch on campus
who will give you a dickscount.
That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick...
the less you have to pay me to suck it.
Everything's pretty locked up...
but we will find a residence
to move you into.
Third time's a charm, right?
What about Armstrong-Parker?
I don't know if that's...
I might have an opening.
That might be good
for you to be around...
Dean, the worst thing
about high school...
and believe me, it's a long list,
were the black kids.
Maybe it's in your head, son.
Sure, folks can be intolerant
around people like you.
And homosexuals just...
I... I don't believe in labels.
You like jazz, Lionel?
Winchester is like jazz.
- It's a research school.
- Andjazz is tension.
The interplay of improvised solos...
all creating one song.
Your problem is
you've got no instrument.
No major,
no affiliations, no solo, son.
I submit articles
to the independent Observer.
No one reads the independent Observer.
My point is are you playing
swing or bebop?
You're mixing your metaphors.
Are you a sax or are you a trumpet?
I don't like jazz.
Look, I'll do what I can.
But not a word of this
in the Observer, okay?
No one reads it, right?
Lionel, right?
George. We had Civ last semester.
How's it going?
Oh, yeah. Great,
I mean, good, yeah.
Fan of your stuff in the Observer.
No one reads the Observer.
Have you seen this?
The residents of Armstrong-Parker
just made her head of house.
Am I crazy or is there a there there?
What made you come over here? I mean...
It's not like I didn't...
I'm glad you came, I just...
My staff.
God bless them.
They are whiter
than Michael Jackson's kids.
I mean, we're fucked
if any one of them...
tries to write this story
and I won't let the transfers...
at the Gazette do it first.
Well, this one has his face.
You're in the Black Student Union.
You probably know Sam.
You come up with a good angle...
I want it in the Bugle.
- Trumpet.
- Bugle. Focus.
The only paper on campus...
with an advisor
with The New York Times.
Only so many ways a person
can distinguish themselves...
at a place like this, Lionel.
You're good.
You belong with us.
Did you get it?
Good.
You've now got the shared calendar...
contacts, and official email.
And before I forget.
- Event requests for the year?
- Just this month.
They all need your approval.
And don't forget
to pick your office hours.
You need at least 20 per week.
That's absurd.
Well, you're now head
of a hundred residents.
And they all need time
to complain to your face about...
noise, leaky pipes...
gluten-free option
in the cafeteria, etc.
Troy, I didn't think I was gonna win.
Look, I'm late for lunch.
By the way,
petitioning the President...
on the Randomization of Housing Act...
ain't gonna do shit.
None of the other houses are concerned.
Because they all have a legacy
of rich and powerful allies...
who will make sure that "random"
works to their advantage.
And you really think a petition
is going to change that?
Hello?
Yeah.
Okay, well, just call me
the minute there's an update.
The Armstrong-Parker dining hall...
is the epicenter of black culture...
as it stands at Winchester.
Only here can you
commiserate, celebrate...
and discuss everything
from Kanye West lyrics...
to theoretical relativism
all in a sitting...
not to mention find someone
who can actually do your hair.
You still using your ID?
I always forget passwords.
You are begging to get hacked.
Good thing the one evil techno-genius...
thinking like that is on my side.
We was robbed.
That election was suspect, man.
There is this one other sister
in my Relativity class...
and I'll be damned if our professor...
doesn't call me Loretta
every goddamn time.
We all look the same.
Programming professor gets me
and Martin here mixed up constantly.
You should be so lucky.
Cute. You get that at Toys "R" Us?
The talented tenth always...
has to bust its ass
a little bit harder...
but I don't see what the point is...
in blaming white folks for everything.
Who's blaming, Blue Eyes?
I really don't see the issue.
Never had one.
Never ran into any lynch mobs.
Lynch mob's still here.
Just re-branded itself.
- As what, pray tell?
- The Republican Party.
You want to know
how the world sees you?
You go to a Young
Republican's meeting...
and bring up welfare.
- Or immigration.
- Or gay rights.
Bullshit.
You have something to add?
Me? Yeah, I do.
Look, your biggest athletes, right?
Movies stars...
Hell, guys, my president is black.
Okay, sometimes I think
the hardest thing to be...
in the American work force right now...
is an educated white guy.
You're not serious?
Hey look, you guys
still got affirmative action...
that's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry,
what exactly are you doing here?
All right, check this out.
You ready? Obama, right?
Leader of the free world.
He gets into Harvard based on... You!
Too late.
Affirmative action.
You know who's not president
right now? No?
The guy who didn't get in.
Well, on behalf
of all the colored folks in the room...
let me apologize to all
the better qualified white students...
whose place we're taking up.
No, it's fine.
We're okay.
I'm sorry, did you get lost?
Bechet is that way.
Oh, I know where it is.
I'm actually supposed to eat there.
Yeah, it's just there's... this is the
only dining hall that you can actually...
get yourself some chicken and waffles.
Look, you're Dear White People, right?
It's funny.
It's funny stuff, it really is.
How have we not staffed you yet?
Oh, me? Oh what?
On Pastiche,
your uninspired humor magazine?
It's actually much more
than just a magazine, sweetheart.
SNL staff is basically
half Lampoon, half Pastiche.
Same goes for the network comedies.
And what gives you clubhouse kids...
the right to come to our dining hall?
You don't live here.
- Sam, what are you doing?
- So you can't eat here.
Chill, Sam. Damn, all right?
Let the man...
- Got this.
- Got this.
Look, who are you to throw me out?
Oh! Well, I think
I'm head of this house.
And I'm doing things my way.
Your way.
Excuse me.
Serious question.
Do you know who I am?
Yeah, I know your dad is the president.
Good.
He's the same one
that has been pushing...
to break up this house for a decade.
What's wrong? Is he afraid that letting
the negros gather in groups...
might start a little rebellion
on his plantation?
Oh, well, then you tell him
from me, that he should be.
Yeah. Bad move.
Let's go.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse us.
You, too.
Me?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Do you live here?
She the man.
She the man.
Dear white people, stop dancing.
The fuck?
Yeah, well, conflict
is a commodity in my industry.
Sam has that. Do you?
Welcome, muffins.
So, I hate to do it to you...
but I'm gonna have to get
real black with you for a second.
So the other day, a girl
had the nerve to fix her mouth...
and ask me if my hair was weaved.
Weaved?
Really, bitch?
First of all, if you're
going to fix your mouth...
to ask me something like that...
say it right, please.
It's weave.
Noun. Present tense.
Second of all, don't assume...
just because you see
a sister with some hair...
that it's a weave. Is it?
If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair
directly out of her own head...
she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit...
but that ain't your business, Boo-Boo.
Are those your lips, sweetie?
Is that really your skin?
These white girls and their tans...
they're starting
to get darker than me...
which isn't that dark.
Dear white people,
what do I think about it?
Okay. Anyone have any comments...
for Sam's Rebirth of a Nation?
- Could I?
- Gabe, go ahead.
I dig the silent movie thing,
but it's a little self-congratulatory.
Light on story...
and frankly thematically dubious.
Anyone else?
Sam?
Before you say anything...
might I remind you
that I sat through...
A Birth of a Nation,
Gone with the Wind...
and Tarantino week without protest.
Yeah, and might I also
remind you that I read...
your entire 15 page,
unsolicited treatise...
on why the Gremlins
is actually about...
suburban white fear of black culture.
The gremlins are loud, talk in slang,
are addicted to fried chicken...
and freak out
when you get their hair wet.
The only problem that I have
with your film is that it was late.
The silent projects were last semester.
You were supposed to e-mail me
your sound treatment over the summer.
I have radio, BSU...
now this Head of House thing.
Okay, do you want this?
Look, this thing
might as well be my right hand.
I was busy this summer.
Your peers are out getting internships,
making short films.
My dad was sick.
I had to go home.
If you need time, take it.
But if you want
to be here next semester...
- I do.
- Pull it together!
This is Winchester.
Thematically dubious.
Well, what was that supposed
to be about exactly?
You're thematically dubious!
Since when do TA's give critiques?
You invoke minstrelsy
for shock value, to what end?
To invoke the same feeling
I get when I turn on the TV...
and see some so-called reality star
shuck and jive for ratings...
egged on by no doubt white producers.
Or the sassy black secretary...
who has no backstory
or character development...
aside from her skin color.
So it's a tit for tat?
Are you honestly saying
that art can't be reactionary?
You're reacting to something
that's 100 years old.
Because fear of black men
involved in U.S. government...
is a completely antiquated concept.
No social relevance today.
I think that sometimes
you should hold...
a mirror up to your audience...
rather than dropping
an ideological piano on their head.
I just think that works
that deal with the African Diaspora...
through a post-modern lens
are outright rejected...
unless handled by a white artist.
- African Diaspora?
- Yeah, I said it.
I'm sorry, but blackface
is alive and well in our culture.
Who primarily buys hip hop...
watches Housewives of Atlanta?
The same homogenized images
of black people over and over again?
White people, Gabe.
Who goes to see Tyler Perry movies?
We're an underfed community.
None of this changes
the fact that the vibrancy...
the complexity
of black culture has been distilled...
into commodities and marketing schemes
to be bought and sold.
To the detriment
of the so called "real thing." Got it.
It means that I am indistinguishable
from the so called "urban" images...
of black folks used to amuse
and market to white America.
And the commodification of culture
is uniquely oppressive to black people?
So when Kanye raps about Louis V...
and Rolexes and Classical art...
exactly what exploited pockets
of Black America...
- are those references being mined from?
- From...
On your knees.
What?
You dream in "Cosby" again?
My hair was so straight.
My sweater so big.
I told you about that?
Hey so, this whole
Head of House thing. Congrats?
Yeah, it's, it's...
Weird, right?
I never took you
as a student politician.
Yeah, well...
Sam?
What are we doing?
Fucking.
Dear white people...
please stop touching my hair.
Does this look like a
petting zoo to you?
Kurt, it's 3:00.
I know it's already 3:00.
Yo, can I hit that bottle?
Look, we're doing
staff picks at game night.
We don't even have a staff yet.
I don't understand...
- Why are we even planning this?
- Everybody wants to be on our staff.
That's the easy part.
Look, we're doing
staff picks at game night.
RSVPs are already
through the roof on that anyway.
Halloween is our premiere party.
The waitlist is already 100 deep.
Guys, we gotta do something huge...
to outdo this summer.
We can always do
East-West hip hop party.
Get the honeys up on this piece.
"Honeys." You're from Vermont.
Guys, what's the Pastiche motto?
"Sharpen thy sword."
You mean to tell me...
our motto is a euphemism
for jerking off?
No. It's a reminder
that satire is the weapon of reason.
So who on campus
is being most unreasonable?
You know what it's a reminder to me of?
How gay Gordon is.
- Was that a reasonable attempt...
- What do you want?
- At a quip, Mitch?
- Could you say reasonable one more time?
- It makes you sound good.
- Guys, shut up.
Knowing Lil' Wayne lyrics...
no longer earns you
an honorary black card.
It just reminds me of how often
you say the word "nigga"...
when no one black is around...
as is required in reciting said lyrics.
Look at that.
God, who does Sam think she is?
Seriously, dude, it's like...
Spike Lee and Oprah had
some sort of pissed off baby.
Hey.
- Uh-huh.
- Can we? Could we?
How?
Easy.
Hi, Lionel.
What do you want?
Lionel, I spoke with the dean today.
We had a very
enlightening conversation.
And I just wanted to let you know...
I'm sorry about the voice message.
Do you accept?
Do you?
Please put that away.
Sometimes you just got to talk
to these people in a language...
that they're going to understand.
- Pathetic.
- What was that?
All right.
Wherever they ship you off to...
be sure to pack
a sense of humor, all right?
The Tip Test.
You hit up Jelly's for a snack.
Your waitress mistakes you
for someone who looks like you, black...
who once ran up a $30 bill
and left a dollar tip.
You watch all the other
customers order before you do...
Pastrami sandwich on rye.
And then proceed to wait no less
than 40 minutes for your food.
How do you tip?
A.
40 minutes?
She's lucky if she gets 40 cents.
Okay, you do a good job,
maybe see a tip.
B.
She was tripping, but...
15% is the least I can do.
Or C.
I reject the stereotype
that African-Americans do not tip.
I will leave 20... no, 25,
just to prove that I can.
One hundred. Oofta. Nose job.
Dear white people...
In a shocking reversal...
using the term "African-American"
is borderline racist now.
It turns out if you're too worried
about political correctness...
to say "black", odds are...
you secretly just want
to call us niggers anyway...
and truth be told, I'd rather
you just be honest about it.
Free speech, my ass.
Oh, Stalin quotes for 200, please?
Oh, you're joking about this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I supposed to take
"Free speech, my ass"...
as a legitimate suggestion?
This is your office's issue, Walter.
Especially after that episode
with Kurt in the dining hall.
Oh, all race issues are my issues.
This is a student issue...
and you are the Dean of Students,
aren't you?
The last thing we need...
is race war in the papers
across this country.
How do you think the donor base
will feel about that?
The fundraiser is four weeks away.
How bad is this deficit of yours?
It's worse.
And I want to make
something really clear.
If this gets any bigger at all,
it's on you, Walter.
- Racism is over in America.
- What?
The only people
who are thinking about it are...
I don't know...
Mexicans, probably.
Come on in, son.
I was just leaving.
President Fletcher.
- You call me Herb, son.
- All right.
Fletcher tells me his son
got his ass handed to him.
About time.
No, Sam was out of line.
Kurt is all right.
Well, but you're supposed
to be better than all right.
Since when do we start
losing elections, Troy?
Well, Dad, the Housing Act
passing without a fight didn't help.
And what did I tell you about excuses?
Pops, my course load is full anyway.
I'm head of Econ. Board...
plus, I'm uh...
I'm thinking about joining Pastiche.
Pastiche.
Yeah, you know,
to help round out the rest.
On Kurt Fletcher's staff.
I'll be goddamned if after 20 years...
you're working for that dumbass's son.
Yes, sir.
Fletcher and I
graduated one year apart.
He barely made it through.
I graduated summa cum laude.
Now who is president and who is dean?
What's the difference?
Oh, a few hundred thousand dollars
a year, for starters.
Understand what I'm saying?
What happened between you and Sam
that she's coming after you now?
Sophia.
I mean, you do remember
Sophia, don't you...
daughter of the president,
Psych. Major...
"Has the whole world
ahead of her, Troy"?
- Watch your tone.
- Sorry, sir.
So you lost the house.
Onto the school presidency.
It would be good to show
that the campus...
is capable of electing
someone like you...
as school president.
Someone like me.
Someone like you.
Hey, Babe, hat or no hat?
Are you wearing that?
I don't have to be.
Hey, Boo.
How about we put...
some of your newfound
free time to good use, hm?
It's been a while since we...
What is with all this "Boo" stuff?
Since you fucked me
with your big, black cock.
It used to turn you on
when I talked like that.
Is it me?
Sweetheart, I love you.
- Is it Sam?
- Can we please just get ready?
Why? I hate my brother's friends.
So you're not going with me.
You'd go without me?
But... you're my guest.
I mean, you could
just hang out here and I'll...
What is it with you and my brother?
Are you in love with him?
Is this some, like, DL shit?
DL shit?
Wait, Sophia, hold on. Just stay.
- No, I'm not going.
- All right, I'll go with you.
- No.
- I'll-I'll go with you.
Sophia?
Oh, my God.
He did not.
- Oh, he did.
- You are so crazy.
Oh, yeah.
I could do better.
Shh, wait, wait. Quiet. Wait, wait.
I want to watch this.
If a bitch could grow straight Indian
hair directly out of her own head...
she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit...
but that ain't your business, Boo-Boo.
Oh, my God.
I am so sharing this.
Send me the link.
I totally will.
Who was that?
New staffer, maybe.
Don't worry. The negro at the door
is not here to rape you.
So this is what editors do?
We're taking a break.
What are you doing here?
You said you want me to drop in
and tell you how the story was going.
Like next week.
It's Saturday night.
You don't have anywhere else to be?
Well, it was either this
or the new Madea movie.
Oh, dear God.
Where does she go this time?
Dialysis?
Man, fuck Tyler Perry.
Yes, can we have a movie
with, you know, characters in them...
instead of stereotypes
wrapped in Christian dogma?
Why is every educated person
inherently evil?
Why is this nigga in a motherfucking dress
all the motherfucking time?
How come the only black movies
Hollywood wants to make...
are ones with black Mamies in fat suits?
Or black women in pain, man?
So basically, we got
black people dying in the past...
and black people dying in the present.
Most people are here to see Fang 9.
It's got 2 Chainz in it.
Oh!
Would you stop stereotyping yourself
and put that down?
This ain't Friday, man.
Okay, whatever.
Yo, Sam...
We gotta... we gotta talk
about this protest, girl.
When are we taking the housing fight
to the president?
House folded on sponsoring the rally.
What do we need a sponsor for?
Demonstrations that aren't sponsored
by a house can get shut down.
What about the house
that you're head of?
Hey, Sam, I read Ebony and Ivy.
What's with the "oofta"
and "nose job" and "100" stuff?
You want me to break it down for you?
Yeah.
You want to know
an ideal Friday in my world?
A fifth of whiskey
and my T-Bone Walker records.
Real talk.
Yo, I'm sorry.
Who the fuck is T-Bone Walker?
Only the most influential pioneer...
of electric and jump blues, bro.
Know your roots, player.
There are only a few ways colored folks
can survive at a place like this.
White folks always be on stuff,
like, decades too late...
and then y'all want to try to act
like you discovered some shit.
An "oofta" is a jazz-age term...
for Bojangle types
who blacked it up for white audiences.
Rock, jazz, blues.
Nigga, what you got on right now?
Some PE.
Public Enemy, my nig...
No! Mm-mm.
Watch that, man.
Hey, you just called him.
Look, y'all get country clubs.
We get to say "nigger".
An oofta modulates his blackness
up or down depending on the crowd...
and what he wants from them.
What about golf, man?
Or all of our girls?
What do you mean, all your girls?
Well, there's O.J.
There's Wesley Snipes.
There's Tiger Woods.
- Troy over here.
- Exactly.
No, there's a word for that. Okay?
"Reparation."
Forty white bitches and a mule.
You know, I think Troy would be great
for the talk show...
don't you think, Kurt?
I fold.
Okay, and a nose job is a wannabe?
Sort of.
- Have you seen this?
- No.
Dear white people using Instagram.
You have an iPhone and you go on hikes.
I get it.
Nose jobs smooth their black edges
and try to blend in.
What's up, Mama?
Mm, don't talk like that.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Hey, where do I know you from?
She was in the video.
- Oh, yeah, video girl.
- Check it out.
I hate to do it to you,
but I'm going to have to get...
real black with you for a second.
A nose job's worst fear
is that their blackness...
might cause a fuss
or draw undue attention...
so they use it to self-deprecate.
These white girls and their tans...
they're starting to
get darker than me...
which isn't that dark.
Hmm, 40,000 views already.
Looks like somebody
submitted you on Buzzfeed.
You're blowing up.
Hey, you want me to get you
a refill or something?
Let me guess.
You're from Ohio.
No, I'm actually from Vermont.
But the west side.
So what's your beef
with Dear White People?
Dear White People,
how do I feel about it?
It's blacker-than-thou propaganda...
from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe
who smells like patchouli.
But frankly, I can't believe
we're letting Sam get away with it.
That's awesome.
Seriously.
That's good.
That's nice.
And 100?
Just keeping it 100.
Just being black as hell, just 'cause.
What about just being yourself?
Like I said.
- You don't mind, do you?
- Of course not.
There are only a few ways
colored folks can survive...
at a place like this.
All right, so then what?
So then Sam says...
"ls Daddy scared that the negroes...
are going to start a rebellion
on the plantation?"
- To Kurt Fletcher.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, we've got a news item.
But there's something bigger here.
It's a profile piece...
on Armstrong-Parker
and Sam White's pseudo revolution.
What's the headline?
An outdated nationalist
seeks purpose, starts race war?
Beer is in the corner.
We'll bang out the news item tonight...
and we'll work on
the profile piece next week.
Yo, man.
Now you know
I wasn't talking about Soph...
with that whole 40 bitches thing, man.
- I was just, you know...
- Just what?
Just trying to get on my staff?
- I mean, I haven't really thought...
- Come on, bullshit.
Look, game night is when we make
our bids for the new staff, okay?
That's why this guy is here...
and why everybody's here.
I just think having good hair...
and carrying on
with a degree of sophistication...
doesn't make me a traitor to the race.
Absolutely.
You want to know why they
used to call me Black Mitch?
- Absolutely.
- Nobody called you that.
Come on, what were you
doing back there?
You're-you're practically sitting there.
You're about like to bust out
some kind of tap dance.
Come on, man.
I'm a Poli-Sci major, bro.
- I just came to hang out.
- It doesn't matter.
Either way. Look, either way
my staff, they like you.
A lot.
But you don't.
Look, this thing with you and Soph...
I'm good to her.
It doesn't matter.
Our dads have been playing
this chess match...
off and on since 1972.
What and Sophie is the white queen?
You're a pawn, Troy.
And maybe it's time
you got off the board.
Here's the deal.
Every year we throw a party.
Right? The whole point is to mock...
the self-important and moronic entities
of the campus.
Now, one way to get staffed...
is to write an invite for the party.
Our invites, they're-
they're freaking legendary.
You know, every year we make the Gawker.
We make the Post.
Tons of blogs.
The important thing is...
is if your invite is the one
that is picked to be sent out...
then you're guaranteed
a spot on our staff.
Okay.
So what is this year's theme?
It's...
I don't know.
Your party is, like, two weeks away.
Yeah, I know.
Kurt, I want you to meet someone.
You know Coco?
You guys got a party coming up?
Got to rally, Sam.
Time is now.
Reggie, use your head.
Do you really think that a rally
is going to change things?
It will do a hell of a lot more
than a radio show with views on YouTube.
Oh, okay.
Look... We got power.
Okay? And it's time we use it.
We earned it.
We? Oh, that's funny...
'cause I didn't see you
running for shit, Reggie.
Sam.
- Really?
- Tired.
Don't one word me.
Did we go too far?
Did we pass Armstrong-Parker?
No, I'm Garmin.
Fancy.
Why do you always got to...
snap at me all the time?
I'm around you 24/7 like a lapdog...
and I don't even really be messing
with no redbone chicks like that.
Don't call me that.
Girl, I thought you was
Puerto Rican when I met you.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you can dish it,
but you can't take it?
No, I'm taking my ass home.
George...
I'm not really down with Sam...
and I'm not in the BSU.
I got kicked out of Armstrong-Parker...
same as Kurt.
But I'm going to write a good article.
Okay?
Come on, Sam.
You know how I feel about you.
How am I supposed to know
how you feel about me?
You know what?
Forgive me if I see something in you...
something inspiring.
Some folks like me can get behind.
Tell me you'll set up the rally.
I'll set up the rally.
- Absolutely.
- Right? I think so.
I think...
I think it's bold.
I think it's ironic.
I think it's everything we need...
and don't tell me I'm the only one...
that thinks Sam White's little movement
needs to be cut down to size.
- Right, right?
- Yep.
Beautiful. Mitch?
You got your hip-hop party, man.
Bolly, bolly.
I'm telling you, man.
This is going to be huge.
Fucking epic.
If you'll excuse us...
we will be in touch.
Troy...
get off the board, man.
It was nice seeing you again.
Where's Sophia?
I have no idea.
Can't wait to see what story
you come up with.
Night, Lionel.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Party is not over.
It's two o'clock in the morning.
Sorry, bro.
Invitation only.
Trouble in paradise?
Figures.
Nothing.
I'm sure you have something else...
fair and petite and fair...
lined up for that drink.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Oh, no, really, it's fine.
I'm not even really
into black dudes anyway.
Coco, huh?
Colandrea doesn't exactly...
pass the resume test, you know?
Can you fucking die?
I mean, my parents really
should have just named me...
Ghetto-ass Hoodrat-ass Aneisha.
Do you indulge?
You know, it is 10 A.M.
I don't mess with that stuff.
You sure you don't like black guys?
Girl like me is just a placeholder...
for y'all at a place like this.
I'm not like that.
I don't think Sam would agree.
Poor thing.
She was light-skinned and everything.
Hell, I said it wasn't like that.
All right?
My Pops, he wanted me
with Fletcher's daughter.
Those two have been in competition
with each other ever since they went here.
He's not going to like you running
with those Pastiche boys, is he?
If I even get tapped.
You will.
You should do it.
They all land somewhere big...
some before they even graduate.
I've seen you in front
of a crowd, Troy.
I bet you could be famous.
So is that what you want?
To be famous?
I want people...
to know my name.
Which one?
"We want you.
"Come by Ellington
tomorrow at eight."
Anything?
Thanks.
You're going to have to stand up
to him sooner or later.
You said you loved me.
I like you a lot.
What do you do...
when you go in the bathroom?
Or is it just to get away from me?
I smoke weed.
And I write jokes.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- This is my apartment.
Like hell it is.
- Dean said this was the only opening.
- Well, head of house doesn't share.
But you're not head of house.
Yo, come on, guys.
Are you serious?
All right, all right,
I think they've had enough.
Hello.
Finally made it in.
You moved around a lot, right?
You must have been terrified...
when you saw Armstrong-Parker
written on your moving assignment.
I was just finishing up.
- Do black people scare you?
- No.
You're too scared
to even ask anyone for a cut.
I'm growing it out.
He's growing it out.
You're fostering an ecosystem.
My man, how come you never come to BSU?
I listen to Mumford & Sons
and watch Robert Altman movies.
You really think
I'm black enough for the Union?
Yeah, I love Robert Altman.
Fucker goes in.
All right.
We're not all homophobes,
you know, black folks.
I'm listening to Frank Ocean right now.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm-I'm late for class.
Look, you're the new black voice
of the Bugle.
We're just trying to figure out
if you're a friend or a foe.
We got to protect our girl.
I'm not even on staff.
I mean, I have to make good
on my assignment.
Assignment, what's the story?
It's a profile piece
on black culture here at Winchester.
Which you are so clearly an expert on.
Tell me, man. What's harder?
Being black enough for the black kids...
or black enough for the white ones?
Being neither.
Really, Sam?
Running late...
for your little rally?
Forget your sign?
You honestly think this is in the spirit
of Armstrong-Parker house?
The role of counterculture
is to wake up the mainstream.
I have furniture older than you.
Counterculture?
Is that what you think this is?
- Your little show?
- What about my show?
Your show is racist.
Black people can't be racist.
Prejudiced, yes, but not racist.
Racism describes a system
of disadvantage based on race.
Black people can't be racist...
since we don't stand
to benefit from such a system.
Your antics are making press, Sam.
And press like this keeps men
like President Fletcher up at night.
Warm milk?
He's building a file on you.
Okay, it's not my fault that your son
couldn't beat me in an election.
I'm sure it was tough growing up...
wondering which side you fit into.
Feeling like you have
to overcompensate, perhaps.
If that's true, Dean...
I'm not the only one.
Hey, hey, hey, brother.
There you are.
That one over there.
And that one over there.
There you are.
Thought we were supposed
to start at 12, right?
Yeah, I told you I had class.
This is going up on Gillespie.
It's good, right?
Oh, what's this?
Yo, you ain't getting cold feet.
No, but...
how long do I have to talk?
You're kidding me, right?
It's sort of the keynote.
Look, Reggie, I think that the whole
Malcolm X thing is more your lane.
I'm just not...
These people came here to see you, Sam.
Grab a bullhorn, turn it on.
Hi. No, I'm kind of in the middle...
Okay...
Okay.
Okay.
I got to...
You ready?
Sam.
Sam!
Sam, you have our protest permits!
Sam.
Sam.
Do you want me to tell him to go?
- You're so tough.
- I will.
No, I want you to wait
until they've gone...
and then I want you to head home.
I'm trying to be here for you.
Can you be somewhere else for me?
Sam, we know you're home.
We just want to talk.
What do you see in him?
The only eligible
single brother on campus.
Okay, okay.
No, I get it. Your parents
owned in Harlem, or something, right?
You watched
Do The Right Thing in high school...
and now you just want
to prove that you're down.
I want to be down?
How long does it take
to get your hair like that?
Yo, Sam, open the door.
I will call you tomorrow, Reggie!
Damn.
You don't understand.
Girls like me...
What, have to pick a side?
I'm sick of your tragic mulatto
bullshit, Sam.
You can't say "mulatto."
Mulatto, mulatto, mulatto!
Did somebody say "mulatto"?
Window. Go out the window.
I'm sorry if I can't be
your Nubian prince...
on my black horse ready to take you
back to fucking Zumunda.
That's not a real African country.
Can I at least get a little credit for
a solid Coming to America reference?
This isn't you, Sam.
No? And who am I?
You're this... girl.
Perceptive.
Who likes to argue with me
about every fucking thing.
And I hate it, because we both know
you're smarter than me.
Your favorite director is Bergman...
but you tell people it's Spike Lee.
You love bebop, but you've
got a thing for Taylor Swift.
I know, because my Mac
picks up your Mac's library.
I was so careful.
You like to watch me
when you think I'm sleeping...
and trace the outlines of my face.
We're ready to go, man!
You're more Banksy than Barack...
but you've been co-opted as some sort
of revolutionary leader or something?
But really?
You're an anarchist...
shit starter, a beautiful filmmaker.
And beautiful...
in general.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Okay, get some sleep.
Everything all right?
His condition is stable.
Good.
That's good, Sam.
Open the door!
Sam!
Gabe...
What?
Sorry.
Your video is picking up steam.
I told you I was good TV.
Yeah, the show I'm scouting for...
is called Black Face, White Place.
It's a reality, like true life.
Every episode focuses
on a different one of us...
and the ceiling.
Interesting.
Interesting?
You think they want
interesting, dignified stories...
of triumph and survival? No.
They want the authentic
urban experience...
which is basically network talk...
for bitching and weeping.
I'm telling you this
because the network wants...
to pick a certain subject
to go to series.
We've got one episode,
one shot at that subject...
- so if we do this...
- We do it all the way.
Guessing Sam turned you down?
I think so. She called me...
a bojangling oofta, whatever that means.
40,000 views, that's good...
but it's not great.
Well, I'm about to get a whole lot more.
Look, we don't have anybody...
like you and you had
a great idea, so we...
I want to emcee it.
Your party.
Okay. Okay, well...
Look, we're here to talk to you
about what we want.
You want me.
And in order to get me...
you have to let me emcee your party.
Oh, and I'd also like to do
a live video blog...
for my web series.
Are they going to let you do that?
They've got to.
They need me.
Without me...
you guys look like a bunch
of privileged assholes.
Right, well, we don't...
we don't really let people...
"video blog" our-our events.
Well...
you got a week to put
this thing together, Boo-Boo.
So what's it going to be?
You look surprised.
It's just not everyone
is as camera ready as you are.
Get your game on
for only $3.99 a month.
The important thing is...
if your invite is the
one that is picked...
to be sent out, then you are guaranteed
a spot on our staff.
...for a low, low price.
The sci-fi marathon
continues right now.
Just over nine minutes to go
in this quarter.
They need to score on this drive.
Looking for the blitz, but he...
Troy, come on in.
Martin, share with Troy
what you've just shared with me.
The server that processes the voting
results for house elections...
has shut down the AP database.
Apparently, the intermediary program...
is on a refractile loop.
I'm a Poli-Sci major, man.
Sam currently has 445 votes.
That's 200 more than she had
last week during the actual election.
She cheated.
She hacked the system.
I wouldn't even know how
to do a thing like that.
Is this little war of yours
really so important?
Look, I understand the pressure to stand
for something in an institution like this...
but you're barking up
the wrong tree. Okay?
It had to have been Reggie.
Guy's in my programming class.
Good, just forgot
to turn his program off.
Wow.
You are the rightful head of house.
So great.
Martin, let me speak to Troy for a bit.
I appreciate this.
Your advisor tells me that you're
hanging on by a thread in your major.
Maybe it's time for you to reprioritize.
You're trying to frighten me...
but I think you're the
one who is scared.
And I think that you long for days...
when blacks were hanging from trees
and denied actual rights.
That way you would have something
to actually fight against.
You'll be facing two hearings
in the coming weeks...
that could end in either
a suspension or probation.
One on the merit of your show...
the other on your election
to head of house.
Your responsibilities
to your house are suspended.
Your show is dead.
And if there is another one
of your illegal demonstrations...
it's going to get a lot worse.
This is a critical time for this school.
You're damn right it is.
We don't have
an intolerance problem here.
Except for the one I'm looking at.
You didn't tell me that you and Sophia
had a misunderstanding.
Who did?
Her father.
She was very upset.
What vision do you have
for yourself, Troy?
Get my degree...
then law school, then...
And what has that got to do...
with partying with Kurt...
smoking weed, and writing jokes?
So okay, what is it?
The spotlight that Kurt gets?
You want to see yourself on TV?
You know how many black men
waste their lives...
trying to be on TV,
be rappers or ballplayers?
Dad, no.
I want what we always talk about.
Maybe have my own firm someday...
run for office.
Make a difference.
What about the drugs?
I have been in academia a long time.
I've seen a lot of things.
And the men who really run this world...
oh...
you've got no idea what they see
when they see you.
You are not going to be
what they all think you are.
You are not going to give them
that satisfaction.
Do you hear me?
Yes, sir.
Get out of my sight.
President's office.
I'll be right there.
I know about the party.
What party?
Yeah, cute.
Let me tell you something.
You picked a hell of a time.
- It's the Halloween party.
- I want you to listen to something.
It's canceled, Kurt.
End of story.
I can't cancel.
There's like 100 people coming.
Hey.
Lionel's story on the
would be protest...
outside Gillespie is running tomorrow.
Yeah, and I've also got Lionel
working on a profile piece...
of Armstrong-Parker,
like you suggested.
Really break down what's going on.
Right?
It's almost like they...
recycle so much from their past.
Music, food, fashion...
and now turbulence.
Thank you so much.
Take care.
- Well?
- That was our Times advisor.
He said it's stories like these...
that get editors
letters of recommendation.
Negro at the door
didn't scare you this time?
Lionel, please.
You're only technically black.
G? Going to French.
- Should I save you a seat?
- Yeah, thanks.
You need something?
I saw your email.
Oh, yeah.
I need someone to do
the donors event on Saturday.
A small dinner
for the school's big givers.
That's Halloween night.
Right, which is why
no one else will take it.
Ah, thus the new guy.
I'm going to class, but...
you can stay and check out
last year's piece if you want.
- You'll do fine.
- I don't know.
Is there going to be any
racially fueled outbursts at this thing?
You never know, right?
Hey, am I a good writer?
You'll get better.
And we need you right now.
Please, you're just
one big recommendation...
away from the Times.
Hey...
There's a big party
after the donors event.
Call me after.
Maybe we can hang?
Yeah, yeah, sounds good.
Dear white people...
Are you tired of your humdrum
Wonder Bread existence...
of accidental racism,
and wishing you could sip...
on henny out your crunk cup...
without a bitch
giving you the side eye?
Of course you are.
For all those looking
to unleash their inner negro...
from years of bondage and oppression...
Pastiche proudly presents...
Dear White People...
our 89th annual Hallows Eve
costume party...
tonight at 10 Pacific time...
or five colored people time.
Dudes must rock Fubu, Ecko...
Rocawear, or Sean John.
XXXL is
the smallest sized T-shirt...
you can wear...
preferably with a collage
of Barack Obama...
and Tupac on it.
Ladies, we need to see
huge hoop earrings...
long nails, and cheap, tight clothes.
Proper hood rat starts fights,
speaks loudly...
and when she can't think
of the words she's trying to say...
just makes one up,
such as "edjmucated."
Now feel free
to fry on up some chicken...
bring some Kool-Aid, watermelon...
forties, and of course,
that purple drank.
Naturally, there will be
a freestyle rap competition...
so bring it and join us
for the party of the year.
Oh, and uh...
Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga
nigga, nigga.
Boy, that felt good.
Funny seeing you here.
Pops likes to show me off
at all these donor functions.
So...
Picard or Kirk?
Kirk. Wait.
- I didn't say...
- Yo.
What happens at the crib
stays at the crib.
I'm not trying to get my card revoked.
Someone could say
that a show that had...
Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn,
and Kunta Kinte himself...
was a pretty black show.
- That work out for you?
- No, no, it did not.
At least not in high school.
Bet there's, like, a statue of you
in your high school.
I was beloved.
They know you were a Trekker?
So what, you growing that out?
I think it's gaining sentience.
Yeah, it's out there.
Yeah, it's like a black hole
for white people's fingers.
They're... obsessed.
I mean, you know I cut hair, though.
So why don't you just ask me?
I don't know. You're... you.
Ly, you ready, man?
Yeah. No costumes?
I got a suit for this.
We just got out of the staffroom.
Yeah, we're going as overworked.
- Where is it?
- Garmin House, on Third, I think.
Third and Basin.
I know it.
Yo, man.
If I'd have gone to your high school...
I'd have had your back.
This is kind of fucked up, right?
Pastiche, the world's
most erudite boneheads.
I need another drink.
Hey.
Sorry.
It's all right. I just can't
wait to cut all of this off.
Don't you dare.
I could eat you like a Hershey's.
I'll... I'll be right back.
Okay.
Sam.
I hope to run for office someday.
Make a difference, you know?
If you guys will excuse me
for one moment.
I promise I'll be right back.
Hold that thought.
So what do you want me to do?
Go over and yell at them?
Have you heard you yelling?
For the first time in my life,
I can't just sit around...
and do nothing.
So... how can you?
I'm done being everybody's
angry black chick.
Hey, muffins.
So how do I look?
Tell me...
why are white folks
so obsessed with being black?
Hell, why are black folks addicted
to blonde Barbie doll weaves?
The strange symbiosis
that we're here to investigate.
Hi.
How's it going?
All right.
This is-
- Black Student Union.
- Black Student Union, yeah.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause it's 7:30.
It's your call, man.
All right, all right...
All right, y'all.
Thanks for coming out.
Tonight, looks like Sam
is not going to make it...
so let's call it.
Um, hi.
I'm Lionel.
I know some of you.
None of you know me.
I've never been to a meeting.
I plan on coming.
I just came from this party...
and I feel like you guys
should know about it.
Hey, Kurt.
What's up, man?
- How you doing?
- What the fuck is going on?
All these people just showed up, man.
Wait, who am I?
"Bitch, it's weave, noun,
present tense, how."
Okay, point taken.
- Hey, man, you want a drink?
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
- Kurt, it's me.
I can't do this.
Okay, I'm fucking confused.
- Dad.
- Not now, Troy.
But Dad, it's important.
I heard there's something
happening on campus...
and I might have been a part
of setting it off.
Son, you're being rude.
Oh, am I?
Well, how about I tell
all your precious donors...
and anybody who will listen
what kind of school it is
they're giving to!
What is wrong with you?
How dare you?
You can't come over here
and talk to your father...
All I say is "Yes, sir"
and "No, sir."
Now look, I should have
brought this to you earlier...
but I didn't know what to do.
- Okay, let's wait.
- Listen to me!
Done right, brother.
What's the plan?
We go over there.
Now.
Think there's enough of us?
Latinos United
is meeting across the hall.
Asian-American League, too.
You guys got better snacks.
Wait, what?
Yeah, dude, we all got it.
I mean, everything is cool, right?
Take that shit off!
Take that fucking shit off.
Wait, what the fuck are you doing, man?
Jesus!
We're putting an end to this, Kurt.
You know what?
Everybody get the fuck out of my house.
Okay? I'm calling the cops.
Let's make it do what it do!
One, two, one, two, three.
Yo, give me your wife before I slap ya.
I've been looking for some dames...
but there's not another chapter.
You can do me slow, you can do me fast.
You can add it to my league.
I'm the royalty to ask for.
One, two, wa-wa-wa-one.
I say hey!
Hey!
- Ho!
- Ho!
My name is Lionel.
Some call me Ly.
Most people think I kind of talk quiet.
But that's all right, that's all cool.
I'd rather be white
than tap dance with you.
Get the fuck out of my house.
- What you doing?
- Get the fuck out of here!
What?
Say it.
Come on.
You know, this may come
as a shock to you...
but these people don't give a fuck
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They pay millions of dollars...
on their lips, their tans...
their asses, Jay-Z tickets...
because they want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
I'm not about to go out
into the streets...
and protest a fucking Halloween party.
He can't help it.
But why do you have to be such a fag?
Looks like you got me
right where you want me, huh?
Hey...
I didn't do this, Sam.
I didn't do this.
Outrage over an African-American
themed party...
has resulted in rioting
and property damages.
Naturally, a dozen
colored folks crashing a party...
was dubbed a riot, but nevertheless...
the story made national news.
I'm sorry.
We don't condone
this egregious event, believe me.
Dean Fairbanks and I are looking
into different ways...
to address issues of diversity...
- Housing reform!
- Yeah!
Housing reform.
I mean, the fact that
we can joke about this...
proves we moved on, obviously, right?
I mean, in this day and age,
if you can't take a joke...
Shit, I'm just saying this is
an attack on my freedom of speech.
I'm the victim here!
The campus was divided.
Was the party an act of free speech,
or was it racism?
I mean, this is only a debate
because of who Kurt's dad is...
which just proves the point.
I mean, all you did was have a radio
show and look what happened to you.
This may come as a shock to you but
these people don't give a fuck...
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
Of course I got my dad involved.
It was the right thing to do.
And now all of these posters
just started showing up.
I mean, why settle for head of house...
when there's a need for me
as president, you know?
Dear white people...
You know what?
Never mind.
When I heard
what the group was planning...
I emailed my staff
and I told them to quit.
That is a copy of the email
in front of you.
And who's this?
My lawyer.
So when I got the invite
and saw everyone clicking yes...
I figured it was back on.
- We know you were planning this.
- Your son tell you that?
"Wishing you could sip on
henny out your crunk cup...
"without a bitch
giving you the side eye."
You write this, Troy?
No.
- Mine wasn't chosen.
- But you wanted to be.
What I wanted didn't matter then,
so why should it matter now?
I'm the one who got you
to send the police, remember?
The invite came
from the Pastiche Facebook account.
I canceled the party!
You got to believe me.
What were your intentions
when you went back the second time?
To stop it.
By any means necessary?
Someone once told me that...
Winchester was like jazz.
Now I don't know much about jazz...
but from what I can tell...
when your solo is up...
you better blow.
You want to hear something strange?
The Pastiche group page
hadn't been used for months...
until the invite went out.
Why am I even here?
What's interesting
is how easy it was...
to access the group page.
The password was "pa$tiche"
spelled with a dollar sign...
according to Kurt...
but it seems
it's recently been changed.
I couldn't figure it out at first.
Then I thought to try something.
578-35-26-196.
Eleven numbers.
Just like our student I.D. numbers.
Just like your student I.D. number.
As much as you hate him,
you will stop at nothing...
to protect your master and his boy.
Did you send out the invite, Sam?
It wasn't speeches that turned
the tide for civil rights.
It was the anarchists willing
to provoke the police...
get sprayed by hoses...
anything to cause a scene
and make press.
That invite, whoever sent it...
should have been met
with derision and outrage.
Instead, 100 people, your students...
showed up,
and they pulled out posters...
and decorations and costumes...
that they had made for such an event...
and they showed our school...
exactly where it's at.
Well, you've made some new friends.
I guess you could call them that.
- So...
- No, not right now.
Not here.
- Fine.
- Oh, come on, Coco.
Fuck you, Troy.
Look, my dad saw your videos...
and he's just a little worried...
How it will look?
With your campaign and all?
What's your best friend Reggie think?
Hey... we had fun.
All right?
You know, I get that everybody else
wants you to win, Troy.
But do you?
Hello, Sam.
I read about Armstrong-Parker.
Yeah, Pres. made
an executive withdrawal...
so Armstrong stays black.
Congrats.
I don't know. It's getting
a little too dramatic, man.
I'm thinking about getting
an apartment off campus.
So we'll see.
Sam White going
against the grain? Shocking.
How's Papa White?
- Recovering.
- Good.
Well...
We were actually
on the phone last night...
for hours.
It was the first time
we talked since the bypass.
And he was putting up a strong front...
teasing me about being so worried.
And then came the stories
about me as a little girl...
that I'd heard 1,000 times.
About how...
independent I was.
Want to talk about it?
My mom worked nights...
so he'd always
take me to school, and...
it used to piss me off...
because he'd follow me
all the way to homeroom.
And whenever he'd try
to hold my hand...
I'd scream and... pull it away.
The students and the parents...
they'd see this white man...
and this black girl...
and they'd wonder
what we were doing together.
Even at nine, I could feel
their eyes on me.
And I was just a bratty girl.
I didn't know any better,
but the thought of losing him...
You know?
I, um...
I just feel so bad.
How awful am I to do that to...
him, or to anyone...
that I...
love.
I'm sure he forgives you.
You think so?
So anyway, I don't know...
why I said all that.
Sam, where are you going?
I don't know.
Lunch.
Isn't it Mac N' Cheese day
at Armstrong-Parker?
You think they'll let you in?
Let me get this straight.
First you try to break up
the black house.
Then you take down the sister
with the little radio show.
Then after all of that...
- your son throws a blackface party.
- Now wait a minute.
Now if you thought you were
having trouble finding money before...
just wait until cable news
gets their hands on this story.
I mean, Bill Maher
is going to fuck you up.
You know, I've heard enough. I'm sorry.
Look, the point is
from where I'm sitting...
- this place is a gold mine.
- What?
Well, we still need the stuff
that leads up to the party.
That happened already.
Well yeah, we can re-enact it.
Re-enact.
It's a documentary term.
I...
The point is, I could be
putting together an overall deal today.
I am talking real money.
Turns out the only thing
Americans love in their reality TV...
more than ignorant black kids
is crazy racist white folks.
Now look here.
This is an honorable institution.
The idea that we would
so much as entertain...
How much we talking?
Forty-year-old Gyrese,
you are not the father.
This nigger from New York
from the olden days...
bumpy son, bumpy.
Pose some secrets that are feeding
Shannon's crystal meth addiction.
- Now wait a minute, Kim.
- Get the [beep] out of my face!
What's wrong with you?
What the [beep] is your...
We already know what it is.
It's freestyle Friday.
A race war has erupted...
at one of the nation's oldest
and most prestigious institutions.
Outrage over an African-American
themed party...
organized by predominantly white
students of Winchester University...
...has resulted in rioting
and property damages.
Police were called to disrupt
a massive fight that broke out...
...between African-American
students and partygoers...
just after midnight.
To address diversity issues,
the school have recently...
...appointed African-American
scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks...
as dean of students.
Last year the Dean's office
celebrated slight...
...gains in diverse applicants...
but with many now calling
for Fairbanks' resignation...
that may have been premature.
School officials released a statement
claiming that an investigation...
into those responsible for the party...
and subsequent riot is underway.
An invite to the Halloween party,
sent via social media...
asked guests to liberate
their inner Negro...
fry up chicken...
enjoy a cough syrup based concoction
known as purple drank...
Dear white people.
The minimum requirement
of black friends...
needed to not seem racist
has just been raised to two.
Sorry, but your weed man
Tyrone does not count.
Hey, Kurt, you home?
Hey, you've reached Garmin House,
home of Lionel Higgins...
the only bitch on campus
who will give you a dickscount.
That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick...
the less you have to pay me to suck it.
Kurt, it's Lionel.
I'm locked out.
You know my parents call this line.
All right. Bye.
Dear white people...
apparently Morgan Freeman wasn't enough.
Obama could cure cancer...
and somewhere white folks
will be embroiled in protest.
And he's only half black.
- Talk to me.
- Hello there.
First time caller, long time listener.
So Sam, how would you feel...
if someone started a Dear Black People?
No need.
Mass media from Fox News
to reality TV on VH1...
makes it clear
what white people think of us.
Thanks for calling.
I'm pissed.
The whole point of randomized housing...
is to mix shit up.
I'm out here trying
to find the Olivier...
to my Halle Berry...
and they got me out here...
looking like an extra
on A Different World.
That's not okay. At all.
So your YouTube show, it's called...
"Doing Time at an Ivy League?"
In my second year
of a four year sentence.
Armstrong-Parker,
that's your housing assignment?
Traditionally it's where
the hopelessly Afrocentric gather...
to process their guilt
over not going to an HBCU.
Where the negros be at.
That's not where
you wanted to be, right?
Bechet House is more my style.
The rich white kids.
Excuse me?
- What part of Chicago are you from?
- Hyde Park.
What street?
- Seventy-eighth and...
- Seventy-eighth!
That's Southside, sweetheart.
You know what they say.
You can take the girl out the hood,
but you cannot take the hood...
There is nothing hood about me.
Thank you for your time.
So, how long will you
be on campus for casting?
Let me explain to you
the way reality TV works.
I'm the producer.
I ask the questions.
We'll be in touch.
Your hair is so cute B.T. Dubs.
- Well, you're so cute.
- Is it weaved?
I saw "Good Hair" in Afro Studies.
So, what house did you get?
- Oh, Bechet, bitch.
- Of course.
The mere thought of a Fletcher
anywhere else...
Oh, easy.
It was the luck of the draw.
Daddy had nothing to do with it.
Besides, if I had to pick
anywhere to be...
it would be here.
Well, I'm down to switch.
You get your Denzel, I get my Gosling.
Oh, I gots mine.
Do you want to meet him?
Cute, for a black boy.
Hey, Boo!
I want you to meet my friend Coco.
She's new to the house.
Hi, I'm Troy.
Welcome to Armstrong-Parker...
home of the dopest dining hall
in all of Winchester.
Are we on duty?
Babe, Head of House is always on duty.
Well, I should get going.
Thanks, Sof.
- Bye.
- Bye.
So, babe, you think
I got time for a quick cut?
You just got it cut last week.
It's a black thing, babe.
Since when is OCD a black thang?
Babe, please don't say
"thang" like that.
Besides, you have a shift
over at the Politicos booth...
and then you have
a shift at Orientation...
and then your advisor is coming over.
Okay, you know what?
I'll just wear a hat.
And then a movie maybe?
Just us?
Election night.
Babe, come on.
All right.
Yo, Kurt!
- My man.
- All right!
Hey, sis.
Is she kidding with this?
You don't have to run again.
Just because it's her doesn't mean...
Babe, I can't let Sam and her
wannabe Black Panthers take the house.
The house needs me, who I am.
It's who he wants you to be.
So you take a couple
of psych classes and now...
all of a sudden,
you think you're Freud?
Oh, a Freud reference?
Sophisticated.
Okay. Beck, Jung, Maslow.
Dear white people, this just in.
Dating a black person
to piss off your parents...
is a form of racism.
Yo, Troy, I forget.
Is your major in shucking
or was it jiving?
Well, my major's in Shuck.
I'm minoring in Jiving...
Wow, you're still majoring
in trying to fuck my leftovers, right?
You need a shower.
You're like Artie.
Dawg, your success ratio
with the ladies went up like 30%...
after I started edging you up, dawg.
Like, come on! You know?
You went from ODB to Trey Songz!
That's his platform? Haircuts?
Oofta is as oofta does.
Yes? Someone else is running?
Just because we're colored...
don't mean we run
on colored people time.
Boycotting hot combs don't make you
an expert on colored people, Boo.
I care about each
and every single one of you.
I care about this house.
So if it ain't broke...
All right, thank you, Troy Fairbanks.
Is this because of us?
Because we broke up over a year ago.
You seriously think you can win?
Troy, we live in a world where
there's a Big Mama's House 3.
I don't think I have
a chance in hell. Thank God.
Troy, my brother, it's broke.
Mm-hm.
Troy is a legacy kid...
and yet it's under his watch...
that Armstrong-Parker...
the bastion of black culture here...
was gutted...
by the Randomization of Housing Act.
Now, second years of color...
no longer have a say in where they go.
The culture that's been fostered...
in this house for two decades...
will be wiped out in two years.
This wasn't motivated
by a desire to mix things up...
bring about racial
and socioeconomic harmony, no.
The black kids are sitting together...
in the proverbial cafeteria...
so they must be up to no good.
Yeah! Mm-hm.
Over a century of houses
grouped by sports affiliations...
political leanings, majors, you name it.
Black kids get their own house
and suddenly we got a problem?
This doesn't affect the other houses
like it does ours.
There are plenty of trustees,
former coaches...
presidents watching out
for the others...
but all we have is a dean
who would rather please his massa...
- Yo, that's enough of that, Sam!
- Then stand up for his own!
Yes! Tell him! Yes!
I know y'all ain't gonna vote for me.
Y'all ain't ready.
The Black Student Union and I
have brought a petition...
to repeal
the Randomization of Housing Act.
I plan on bringing it
to the President and together...
we can bring black back to Winchester.
Yes!
It'll be by the door.
Quiet!
All right.
I assume everyone has
the app I created by now?
It's a child's app.
Good.
Voting may commence.
Okay.
Looks like we've got a winner.
Sam White?
Oh, shit.
Congratulations.
So that's what you're looking for?
I just want to make
good TV, sweetheart.
Well, I think I'd be good TV.
You're getting a great education
at a great school.
Why don't you just be good at that.
I am.
And when I graduate early with an
economics degree from Winchester...
it'll be the crowning achievement...
of my black middle class
parents' ambitions.
Yeah, well, conflict
is a commodity in my industry.
Sam has that. Do you?
So, what?
You want me to start a fight?
I don't want you to do anything
you wouldn't otherwise do.
Hey, you reached Garmin House...
home of Lionel Higgins...
the only bitch on campus
who will give you a dickscount.
That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick...
the less you have to pay me to suck it.
Everything's pretty locked up...
but we will find a residence
to move you into.
Third time's a charm, right?
What about Armstrong-Parker?
I don't know if that's...
I might have an opening.
That might be good
for you to be around...
Dean, the worst thing
about high school...
and believe me, it's a long list,
were the black kids.
Maybe it's in your head, son.
Sure, folks can be intolerant
around people like you.
And homosexuals just...
I... I don't believe in labels.
You like jazz, Lionel?
Winchester is like jazz.
- It's a research school.
- Andjazz is tension.
The interplay of improvised solos...
all creating one song.
Your problem is
you've got no instrument.
No major,
no affiliations, no solo, son.
I submit articles
to the independent Observer.
No one reads the independent Observer.
My point is are you playing
swing or bebop?
You're mixing your metaphors.
Are you a sax or are you a trumpet?
I don't like jazz.
Look, I'll do what I can.
But not a word of this
in the Observer, okay?
No one reads it, right?
Lionel, right?
George. We had Civ last semester.
How's it going?
Oh, yeah. Great,
I mean, good, yeah.
Fan of your stuff in the Observer.
No one reads the Observer.
Have you seen this?
The residents of Armstrong-Parker
just made her head of house.
Am I crazy or is there a there there?
What made you come over here? I mean...
It's not like I didn't...
I'm glad you came, I just...
My staff.
God bless them.
They are whiter
than Michael Jackson's kids.
I mean, we're fucked
if any one of them...
tries to write this story
and I won't let the transfers...
at the Gazette do it first.
Well, this one has his face.
You're in the Black Student Union.
You probably know Sam.
You come up with a good angle...
I want it in the Bugle.
- Trumpet.
- Bugle. Focus.
The only paper on campus...
with an advisor
with The New York Times.
Only so many ways a person
can distinguish themselves...
at a place like this, Lionel.
You're good.
You belong with us.
Did you get it?
Good.
You've now got the shared calendar...
contacts, and official email.
And before I forget.
- Event requests for the year?
- Just this month.
They all need your approval.
And don't forget
to pick your office hours.
You need at least 20 per week.
That's absurd.
Well, you're now head
of a hundred residents.
And they all need time
to complain to your face about...
noise, leaky pipes...
gluten-free option
in the cafeteria, etc.
Troy, I didn't think I was gonna win.
Look, I'm late for lunch.
By the way,
petitioning the President...
on the Randomization of Housing Act...
ain't gonna do shit.
None of the other houses are concerned.
Because they all have a legacy
of rich and powerful allies...
who will make sure that "random"
works to their advantage.
And you really think a petition
is going to change that?
Hello?
Yeah.
Okay, well, just call me
the minute there's an update.
The Armstrong-Parker dining hall...
is the epicenter of black culture...
as it stands at Winchester.
Only here can you
commiserate, celebrate...
and discuss everything
from Kanye West lyrics...
to theoretical relativism
all in a sitting...
not to mention find someone
who can actually do your hair.
You still using your ID?
I always forget passwords.
You are begging to get hacked.
Good thing the one evil techno-genius...
thinking like that is on my side.
We was robbed.
That election was suspect, man.
There is this one other sister
in my Relativity class...
and I'll be damned if our professor...
doesn't call me Loretta
every goddamn time.
We all look the same.
Programming professor gets me
and Martin here mixed up constantly.
You should be so lucky.
Cute. You get that at Toys "R" Us?
The talented tenth always...
has to bust its ass
a little bit harder...
but I don't see what the point is...
in blaming white folks for everything.
Who's blaming, Blue Eyes?
I really don't see the issue.
Never had one.
Never ran into any lynch mobs.
Lynch mob's still here.
Just re-branded itself.
- As what, pray tell?
- The Republican Party.
You want to know
how the world sees you?
You go to a Young
Republican's meeting...
and bring up welfare.
- Or immigration.
- Or gay rights.
Bullshit.
You have something to add?
Me? Yeah, I do.
Look, your biggest athletes, right?
Movies stars...
Hell, guys, my president is black.
Okay, sometimes I think
the hardest thing to be...
in the American work force right now...
is an educated white guy.
You're not serious?
Hey look, you guys
still got affirmative action...
that's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry,
what exactly are you doing here?
All right, check this out.
You ready? Obama, right?
Leader of the free world.
He gets into Harvard based on... You!
Too late.
Affirmative action.
You know who's not president
right now? No?
The guy who didn't get in.
Well, on behalf
of all the colored folks in the room...
let me apologize to all
the better qualified white students...
whose place we're taking up.
No, it's fine.
We're okay.
I'm sorry, did you get lost?
Bechet is that way.
Oh, I know where it is.
I'm actually supposed to eat there.
Yeah, it's just there's... this is the
only dining hall that you can actually...
get yourself some chicken and waffles.
Look, you're Dear White People, right?
It's funny.
It's funny stuff, it really is.
How have we not staffed you yet?
Oh, me? Oh what?
On Pastiche,
your uninspired humor magazine?
It's actually much more
than just a magazine, sweetheart.
SNL staff is basically
half Lampoon, half Pastiche.
Same goes for the network comedies.
And what gives you clubhouse kids...
the right to come to our dining hall?
You don't live here.
- Sam, what are you doing?
- So you can't eat here.
Chill, Sam. Damn, all right?
Let the man...
- Got this.
- Got this.
Look, who are you to throw me out?
Oh! Well, I think
I'm head of this house.
And I'm doing things my way.
Your way.
Excuse me.
Serious question.
Do you know who I am?
Yeah, I know your dad is the president.
Good.
He's the same one
that has been pushing...
to break up this house for a decade.
What's wrong? Is he afraid that letting
the negros gather in groups...
might start a little rebellion
on his plantation?
Oh, well, then you tell him
from me, that he should be.
Yeah. Bad move.
Let's go.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse us.
You, too.
Me?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Do you live here?
She the man.
She the man.
Dear white people, stop dancing.
The fuck?
Yeah, well, conflict
is a commodity in my industry.
Sam has that. Do you?
Welcome, muffins.
So, I hate to do it to you...
but I'm gonna have to get
real black with you for a second.
So the other day, a girl
had the nerve to fix her mouth...
and ask me if my hair was weaved.
Weaved?
Really, bitch?
First of all, if you're
going to fix your mouth...
to ask me something like that...
say it right, please.
It's weave.
Noun. Present tense.
Second of all, don't assume...
just because you see
a sister with some hair...
that it's a weave. Is it?
If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair
directly out of her own head...
she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit...
but that ain't your business, Boo-Boo.
Are those your lips, sweetie?
Is that really your skin?
These white girls and their tans...
they're starting
to get darker than me...
which isn't that dark.
Dear white people,
what do I think about it?
Okay. Anyone have any comments...
for Sam's Rebirth of a Nation?
- Could I?
- Gabe, go ahead.
I dig the silent movie thing,
but it's a little self-congratulatory.
Light on story...
and frankly thematically dubious.
Anyone else?
Sam?
Before you say anything...
might I remind you
that I sat through...
A Birth of a Nation,
Gone with the Wind...
and Tarantino week without protest.
Yeah, and might I also
remind you that I read...
your entire 15 page,
unsolicited treatise...
on why the Gremlins
is actually about...
suburban white fear of black culture.
The gremlins are loud, talk in slang,
are addicted to fried chicken...
and freak out
when you get their hair wet.
The only problem that I have
with your film is that it was late.
The silent projects were last semester.
You were supposed to e-mail me
your sound treatment over the summer.
I have radio, BSU...
now this Head of House thing.
Okay, do you want this?
Look, this thing
might as well be my right hand.
I was busy this summer.
Your peers are out getting internships,
making short films.
My dad was sick.
I had to go home.
If you need time, take it.
But if you want
to be here next semester...
- I do.
- Pull it together!
This is Winchester.
Thematically dubious.
Well, what was that supposed
to be about exactly?
You're thematically dubious!
Since when do TA's give critiques?
You invoke minstrelsy
for shock value, to what end?
To invoke the same feeling
I get when I turn on the TV...
and see some so-called reality star
shuck and jive for ratings...
egged on by no doubt white producers.
Or the sassy black secretary...
who has no backstory
or character development...
aside from her skin color.
So it's a tit for tat?
Are you honestly saying
that art can't be reactionary?
You're reacting to something
that's 100 years old.
Because fear of black men
involved in U.S. government...
is a completely antiquated concept.
No social relevance today.
I think that sometimes
you should hold...
a mirror up to your audience...
rather than dropping
an ideological piano on their head.
I just think that works
that deal with the African Diaspora...
through a post-modern lens
are outright rejected...
unless handled by a white artist.
- African Diaspora?
- Yeah, I said it.
I'm sorry, but blackface
is alive and well in our culture.
Who primarily buys hip hop...
watches Housewives of Atlanta?
The same homogenized images
of black people over and over again?
White people, Gabe.
Who goes to see Tyler Perry movies?
We're an underfed community.
None of this changes
the fact that the vibrancy...
the complexity
of black culture has been distilled...
into commodities and marketing schemes
to be bought and sold.
To the detriment
of the so called "real thing." Got it.
It means that I am indistinguishable
from the so called "urban" images...
of black folks used to amuse
and market to white America.
And the commodification of culture
is uniquely oppressive to black people?
So when Kanye raps about Louis V...
and Rolexes and Classical art...
exactly what exploited pockets
of Black America...
- are those references being mined from?
- From...
On your knees.
What?
You dream in "Cosby" again?
My hair was so straight.
My sweater so big.
I told you about that?
Hey so, this whole
Head of House thing. Congrats?
Yeah, it's, it's...
Weird, right?
I never took you
as a student politician.
Yeah, well...
Sam?
What are we doing?
Fucking.
Dear white people...
please stop touching my hair.
Does this look like a
petting zoo to you?
Kurt, it's 3:00.
I know it's already 3:00.
Yo, can I hit that bottle?
Look, we're doing
staff picks at game night.
We don't even have a staff yet.
I don't understand...
- Why are we even planning this?
- Everybody wants to be on our staff.
That's the easy part.
Look, we're doing
staff picks at game night.
RSVPs are already
through the roof on that anyway.
Halloween is our premiere party.
The waitlist is already 100 deep.
Guys, we gotta do something huge...
to outdo this summer.
We can always do
East-West hip hop party.
Get the honeys up on this piece.
"Honeys." You're from Vermont.
Guys, what's the Pastiche motto?
"Sharpen thy sword."
You mean to tell me...
our motto is a euphemism
for jerking off?
No. It's a reminder
that satire is the weapon of reason.
So who on campus
is being most unreasonable?
You know what it's a reminder to me of?
How gay Gordon is.
- Was that a reasonable attempt...
- What do you want?
- At a quip, Mitch?
- Could you say reasonable one more time?
- It makes you sound good.
- Guys, shut up.
Knowing Lil' Wayne lyrics...
no longer earns you
an honorary black card.
It just reminds me of how often
you say the word "nigga"...
when no one black is around...
as is required in reciting said lyrics.
Look at that.
God, who does Sam think she is?
Seriously, dude, it's like...
Spike Lee and Oprah had
some sort of pissed off baby.
Hey.
- Uh-huh.
- Can we? Could we?
How?
Easy.
Hi, Lionel.
What do you want?
Lionel, I spoke with the dean today.
We had a very
enlightening conversation.
And I just wanted to let you know...
I'm sorry about the voice message.
Do you accept?
Do you?
Please put that away.
Sometimes you just got to talk
to these people in a language...
that they're going to understand.
- Pathetic.
- What was that?
All right.
Wherever they ship you off to...
be sure to pack
a sense of humor, all right?
The Tip Test.
You hit up Jelly's for a snack.
Your waitress mistakes you
for someone who looks like you, black...
who once ran up a $30 bill
and left a dollar tip.
You watch all the other
customers order before you do...
Pastrami sandwich on rye.
And then proceed to wait no less
than 40 minutes for your food.
How do you tip?
A.
40 minutes?
She's lucky if she gets 40 cents.
Okay, you do a good job,
maybe see a tip.
B.
She was tripping, but...
15% is the least I can do.
Or C.
I reject the stereotype
that African-Americans do not tip.
I will leave 20... no, 25,
just to prove that I can.
One hundred. Oofta. Nose job.
Dear white people...
In a shocking reversal...
using the term "African-American"
is borderline racist now.
It turns out if you're too worried
about political correctness...
to say "black", odds are...
you secretly just want
to call us niggers anyway...
and truth be told, I'd rather
you just be honest about it.
Free speech, my ass.
Oh, Stalin quotes for 200, please?
Oh, you're joking about this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I supposed to take
"Free speech, my ass"...
as a legitimate suggestion?
This is your office's issue, Walter.
Especially after that episode
with Kurt in the dining hall.
Oh, all race issues are my issues.
This is a student issue...
and you are the Dean of Students,
aren't you?
The last thing we need...
is race war in the papers
across this country.
How do you think the donor base
will feel about that?
The fundraiser is four weeks away.
How bad is this deficit of yours?
It's worse.
And I want to make
something really clear.
If this gets any bigger at all,
it's on you, Walter.
- Racism is over in America.
- What?
The only people
who are thinking about it are...
I don't know...
Mexicans, probably.
Come on in, son.
I was just leaving.
President Fletcher.
- You call me Herb, son.
- All right.
Fletcher tells me his son
got his ass handed to him.
About time.
No, Sam was out of line.
Kurt is all right.
Well, but you're supposed
to be better than all right.
Since when do we start
losing elections, Troy?
Well, Dad, the Housing Act
passing without a fight didn't help.
And what did I tell you about excuses?
Pops, my course load is full anyway.
I'm head of Econ. Board...
plus, I'm uh...
I'm thinking about joining Pastiche.
Pastiche.
Yeah, you know,
to help round out the rest.
On Kurt Fletcher's staff.
I'll be goddamned if after 20 years...
you're working for that dumbass's son.
Yes, sir.
Fletcher and I
graduated one year apart.
He barely made it through.
I graduated summa cum laude.
Now who is president and who is dean?
What's the difference?
Oh, a few hundred thousand dollars
a year, for starters.
Understand what I'm saying?
What happened between you and Sam
that she's coming after you now?
Sophia.
I mean, you do remember
Sophia, don't you...
daughter of the president,
Psych. Major...
"Has the whole world
ahead of her, Troy"?
- Watch your tone.
- Sorry, sir.
So you lost the house.
Onto the school presidency.
It would be good to show
that the campus...
is capable of electing
someone like you...
as school president.
Someone like me.
Someone like you.
Hey, Babe, hat or no hat?
Are you wearing that?
I don't have to be.
Hey, Boo.
How about we put...
some of your newfound
free time to good use, hm?
It's been a while since we...
What is with all this "Boo" stuff?
Since you fucked me
with your big, black cock.
It used to turn you on
when I talked like that.
Is it me?
Sweetheart, I love you.
- Is it Sam?
- Can we please just get ready?
Why? I hate my brother's friends.
So you're not going with me.
You'd go without me?
But... you're my guest.
I mean, you could
just hang out here and I'll...
What is it with you and my brother?
Are you in love with him?
Is this some, like, DL shit?
DL shit?
Wait, Sophia, hold on. Just stay.
- No, I'm not going.
- All right, I'll go with you.
- No.
- I'll-I'll go with you.
Sophia?
Oh, my God.
He did not.
- Oh, he did.
- You are so crazy.
Oh, yeah.
I could do better.
Shh, wait, wait. Quiet. Wait, wait.
I want to watch this.
If a bitch could grow straight Indian
hair directly out of her own head...
she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit...
but that ain't your business, Boo-Boo.
Oh, my God.
I am so sharing this.
Send me the link.
I totally will.
Who was that?
New staffer, maybe.
Don't worry. The negro at the door
is not here to rape you.
So this is what editors do?
We're taking a break.
What are you doing here?
You said you want me to drop in
and tell you how the story was going.
Like next week.
It's Saturday night.
You don't have anywhere else to be?
Well, it was either this
or the new Madea movie.
Oh, dear God.
Where does she go this time?
Dialysis?
Man, fuck Tyler Perry.
Yes, can we have a movie
with, you know, characters in them...
instead of stereotypes
wrapped in Christian dogma?
Why is every educated person
inherently evil?
Why is this nigga in a motherfucking dress
all the motherfucking time?
How come the only black movies
Hollywood wants to make...
are ones with black Mamies in fat suits?
Or black women in pain, man?
So basically, we got
black people dying in the past...
and black people dying in the present.
Most people are here to see Fang 9.
It's got 2 Chainz in it.
Oh!
Would you stop stereotyping yourself
and put that down?
This ain't Friday, man.
Okay, whatever.
Yo, Sam...
We gotta... we gotta talk
about this protest, girl.
When are we taking the housing fight
to the president?
House folded on sponsoring the rally.
What do we need a sponsor for?
Demonstrations that aren't sponsored
by a house can get shut down.
What about the house
that you're head of?
Hey, Sam, I read Ebony and Ivy.
What's with the "oofta"
and "nose job" and "100" stuff?
You want me to break it down for you?
Yeah.
You want to know
an ideal Friday in my world?
A fifth of whiskey
and my T-Bone Walker records.
Real talk.
Yo, I'm sorry.
Who the fuck is T-Bone Walker?
Only the most influential pioneer...
of electric and jump blues, bro.
Know your roots, player.
There are only a few ways colored folks
can survive at a place like this.
White folks always be on stuff,
like, decades too late...
and then y'all want to try to act
like you discovered some shit.
An "oofta" is a jazz-age term...
for Bojangle types
who blacked it up for white audiences.
Rock, jazz, blues.
Nigga, what you got on right now?
Some PE.
Public Enemy, my nig...
No! Mm-mm.
Watch that, man.
Hey, you just called him.
Look, y'all get country clubs.
We get to say "nigger".
An oofta modulates his blackness
up or down depending on the crowd...
and what he wants from them.
What about golf, man?
Or all of our girls?
What do you mean, all your girls?
Well, there's O.J.
There's Wesley Snipes.
There's Tiger Woods.
- Troy over here.
- Exactly.
No, there's a word for that. Okay?
"Reparation."
Forty white bitches and a mule.
You know, I think Troy would be great
for the talk show...
don't you think, Kurt?
I fold.
Okay, and a nose job is a wannabe?
Sort of.
- Have you seen this?
- No.
Dear white people using Instagram.
You have an iPhone and you go on hikes.
I get it.
Nose jobs smooth their black edges
and try to blend in.
What's up, Mama?
Mm, don't talk like that.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Hey, where do I know you from?
She was in the video.
- Oh, yeah, video girl.
- Check it out.
I hate to do it to you,
but I'm going to have to get...
real black with you for a second.
A nose job's worst fear
is that their blackness...
might cause a fuss
or draw undue attention...
so they use it to self-deprecate.
These white girls and their tans...
they're starting to
get darker than me...
which isn't that dark.
Hmm, 40,000 views already.
Looks like somebody
submitted you on Buzzfeed.
You're blowing up.
Hey, you want me to get you
a refill or something?
Let me guess.
You're from Ohio.
No, I'm actually from Vermont.
But the west side.
So what's your beef
with Dear White People?
Dear White People,
how do I feel about it?
It's blacker-than-thou propaganda...
from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe
who smells like patchouli.
But frankly, I can't believe
we're letting Sam get away with it.
That's awesome.
Seriously.
That's good.
That's nice.
And 100?
Just keeping it 100.
Just being black as hell, just 'cause.
What about just being yourself?
Like I said.
- You don't mind, do you?
- Of course not.
There are only a few ways
colored folks can survive...
at a place like this.
All right, so then what?
So then Sam says...
"ls Daddy scared that the negroes...
are going to start a rebellion
on the plantation?"
- To Kurt Fletcher.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, we've got a news item.
But there's something bigger here.
It's a profile piece...
on Armstrong-Parker
and Sam White's pseudo revolution.
What's the headline?
An outdated nationalist
seeks purpose, starts race war?
Beer is in the corner.
We'll bang out the news item tonight...
and we'll work on
the profile piece next week.
Yo, man.
Now you know
I wasn't talking about Soph...
with that whole 40 bitches thing, man.
- I was just, you know...
- Just what?
Just trying to get on my staff?
- I mean, I haven't really thought...
- Come on, bullshit.
Look, game night is when we make
our bids for the new staff, okay?
That's why this guy is here...
and why everybody's here.
I just think having good hair...
and carrying on
with a degree of sophistication...
doesn't make me a traitor to the race.
Absolutely.
You want to know why they
used to call me Black Mitch?
- Absolutely.
- Nobody called you that.
Come on, what were you
doing back there?
You're-you're practically sitting there.
You're about like to bust out
some kind of tap dance.
Come on, man.
I'm a Poli-Sci major, bro.
- I just came to hang out.
- It doesn't matter.
Either way. Look, either way
my staff, they like you.
A lot.
But you don't.
Look, this thing with you and Soph...
I'm good to her.
It doesn't matter.
Our dads have been playing
this chess match...
off and on since 1972.
What and Sophie is the white queen?
You're a pawn, Troy.
And maybe it's time
you got off the board.
Here's the deal.
Every year we throw a party.
Right? The whole point is to mock...
the self-important and moronic entities
of the campus.
Now, one way to get staffed...
is to write an invite for the party.
Our invites, they're-
they're freaking legendary.
You know, every year we make the Gawker.
We make the Post.
Tons of blogs.
The important thing is...
is if your invite is the one
that is picked to be sent out...
then you're guaranteed
a spot on our staff.
Okay.
So what is this year's theme?
It's...
I don't know.
Your party is, like, two weeks away.
Yeah, I know.
Kurt, I want you to meet someone.
You know Coco?
You guys got a party coming up?
Got to rally, Sam.
Time is now.
Reggie, use your head.
Do you really think that a rally
is going to change things?
It will do a hell of a lot more
than a radio show with views on YouTube.
Oh, okay.
Look... We got power.
Okay? And it's time we use it.
We earned it.
We? Oh, that's funny...
'cause I didn't see you
running for shit, Reggie.
Sam.
- Really?
- Tired.
Don't one word me.
Did we go too far?
Did we pass Armstrong-Parker?
No, I'm Garmin.
Fancy.
Why do you always got to...
snap at me all the time?
I'm around you 24/7 like a lapdog...
and I don't even really be messing
with no redbone chicks like that.
Don't call me that.
Girl, I thought you was
Puerto Rican when I met you.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you can dish it,
but you can't take it?
No, I'm taking my ass home.
George...
I'm not really down with Sam...
and I'm not in the BSU.
I got kicked out of Armstrong-Parker...
same as Kurt.
But I'm going to write a good article.
Okay?
Come on, Sam.
You know how I feel about you.
How am I supposed to know
how you feel about me?
You know what?
Forgive me if I see something in you...
something inspiring.
Some folks like me can get behind.
Tell me you'll set up the rally.
I'll set up the rally.
- Absolutely.
- Right? I think so.
I think...
I think it's bold.
I think it's ironic.
I think it's everything we need...
and don't tell me I'm the only one...
that thinks Sam White's little movement
needs to be cut down to size.
- Right, right?
- Yep.
Beautiful. Mitch?
You got your hip-hop party, man.
Bolly, bolly.
I'm telling you, man.
This is going to be huge.
Fucking epic.
If you'll excuse us...
we will be in touch.
Troy...
get off the board, man.
It was nice seeing you again.
Where's Sophia?
I have no idea.
Can't wait to see what story
you come up with.
Night, Lionel.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Party is not over.
It's two o'clock in the morning.
Sorry, bro.
Invitation only.
Trouble in paradise?
Figures.
Nothing.
I'm sure you have something else...
fair and petite and fair...
lined up for that drink.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Oh, no, really, it's fine.
I'm not even really
into black dudes anyway.
Coco, huh?
Colandrea doesn't exactly...
pass the resume test, you know?
Can you fucking die?
I mean, my parents really
should have just named me...
Ghetto-ass Hoodrat-ass Aneisha.
Do you indulge?
You know, it is 10 A.M.
I don't mess with that stuff.
You sure you don't like black guys?
Girl like me is just a placeholder...
for y'all at a place like this.
I'm not like that.
I don't think Sam would agree.
Poor thing.
She was light-skinned and everything.
Hell, I said it wasn't like that.
All right?
My Pops, he wanted me
with Fletcher's daughter.
Those two have been in competition
with each other ever since they went here.
He's not going to like you running
with those Pastiche boys, is he?
If I even get tapped.
You will.
You should do it.
They all land somewhere big...
some before they even graduate.
I've seen you in front
of a crowd, Troy.
I bet you could be famous.
So is that what you want?
To be famous?
I want people...
to know my name.
Which one?
"We want you.
"Come by Ellington
tomorrow at eight."
Anything?
Thanks.
You're going to have to stand up
to him sooner or later.
You said you loved me.
I like you a lot.
What do you do...
when you go in the bathroom?
Or is it just to get away from me?
I smoke weed.
And I write jokes.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- This is my apartment.
Like hell it is.
- Dean said this was the only opening.
- Well, head of house doesn't share.
But you're not head of house.
Yo, come on, guys.
Are you serious?
All right, all right,
I think they've had enough.
Hello.
Finally made it in.
You moved around a lot, right?
You must have been terrified...
when you saw Armstrong-Parker
written on your moving assignment.
I was just finishing up.
- Do black people scare you?
- No.
You're too scared
to even ask anyone for a cut.
I'm growing it out.
He's growing it out.
You're fostering an ecosystem.
My man, how come you never come to BSU?
I listen to Mumford & Sons
and watch Robert Altman movies.
You really think
I'm black enough for the Union?
Yeah, I love Robert Altman.
Fucker goes in.
All right.
We're not all homophobes,
you know, black folks.
I'm listening to Frank Ocean right now.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm-I'm late for class.
Look, you're the new black voice
of the Bugle.
We're just trying to figure out
if you're a friend or a foe.
We got to protect our girl.
I'm not even on staff.
I mean, I have to make good
on my assignment.
Assignment, what's the story?
It's a profile piece
on black culture here at Winchester.
Which you are so clearly an expert on.
Tell me, man. What's harder?
Being black enough for the black kids...
or black enough for the white ones?
Being neither.
Really, Sam?
Running late...
for your little rally?
Forget your sign?
You honestly think this is in the spirit
of Armstrong-Parker house?
The role of counterculture
is to wake up the mainstream.
I have furniture older than you.
Counterculture?
Is that what you think this is?
- Your little show?
- What about my show?
Your show is racist.
Black people can't be racist.
Prejudiced, yes, but not racist.
Racism describes a system
of disadvantage based on race.
Black people can't be racist...
since we don't stand
to benefit from such a system.
Your antics are making press, Sam.
And press like this keeps men
like President Fletcher up at night.
Warm milk?
He's building a file on you.
Okay, it's not my fault that your son
couldn't beat me in an election.
I'm sure it was tough growing up...
wondering which side you fit into.
Feeling like you have
to overcompensate, perhaps.
If that's true, Dean...
I'm not the only one.
Hey, hey, hey, brother.
There you are.
That one over there.
And that one over there.
There you are.
Thought we were supposed
to start at 12, right?
Yeah, I told you I had class.
This is going up on Gillespie.
It's good, right?
Oh, what's this?
Yo, you ain't getting cold feet.
No, but...
how long do I have to talk?
You're kidding me, right?
It's sort of the keynote.
Look, Reggie, I think that the whole
Malcolm X thing is more your lane.
I'm just not...
These people came here to see you, Sam.
Grab a bullhorn, turn it on.
Hi. No, I'm kind of in the middle...
Okay...
Okay.
Okay.
I got to...
You ready?
Sam.
Sam!
Sam, you have our protest permits!
Sam.
Sam.
Do you want me to tell him to go?
- You're so tough.
- I will.
No, I want you to wait
until they've gone...
and then I want you to head home.
I'm trying to be here for you.
Can you be somewhere else for me?
Sam, we know you're home.
We just want to talk.
What do you see in him?
The only eligible
single brother on campus.
Okay, okay.
No, I get it. Your parents
owned in Harlem, or something, right?
You watched
Do The Right Thing in high school...
and now you just want
to prove that you're down.
I want to be down?
How long does it take
to get your hair like that?
Yo, Sam, open the door.
I will call you tomorrow, Reggie!
Damn.
You don't understand.
Girls like me...
What, have to pick a side?
I'm sick of your tragic mulatto
bullshit, Sam.
You can't say "mulatto."
Mulatto, mulatto, mulatto!
Did somebody say "mulatto"?
Window. Go out the window.
I'm sorry if I can't be
your Nubian prince...
on my black horse ready to take you
back to fucking Zumunda.
That's not a real African country.
Can I at least get a little credit for
a solid Coming to America reference?
This isn't you, Sam.
No? And who am I?
You're this... girl.
Perceptive.
Who likes to argue with me
about every fucking thing.
And I hate it, because we both know
you're smarter than me.
Your favorite director is Bergman...
but you tell people it's Spike Lee.
You love bebop, but you've
got a thing for Taylor Swift.
I know, because my Mac
picks up your Mac's library.
I was so careful.
You like to watch me
when you think I'm sleeping...
and trace the outlines of my face.
We're ready to go, man!
You're more Banksy than Barack...
but you've been co-opted as some sort
of revolutionary leader or something?
But really?
You're an anarchist...
shit starter, a beautiful filmmaker.
And beautiful...
in general.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Okay, get some sleep.
Everything all right?
His condition is stable.
Good.
That's good, Sam.
Open the door!
Sam!
Gabe...
What?
Sorry.
Your video is picking up steam.
I told you I was good TV.
Yeah, the show I'm scouting for...
is called Black Face, White Place.
It's a reality, like true life.
Every episode focuses
on a different one of us...
and the ceiling.
Interesting.
Interesting?
You think they want
interesting, dignified stories...
of triumph and survival? No.
They want the authentic
urban experience...
which is basically network talk...
for bitching and weeping.
I'm telling you this
because the network wants...
to pick a certain subject
to go to series.
We've got one episode,
one shot at that subject...
- so if we do this...
- We do it all the way.
Guessing Sam turned you down?
I think so. She called me...
a bojangling oofta, whatever that means.
40,000 views, that's good...
but it's not great.
Well, I'm about to get a whole lot more.
Look, we don't have anybody...
like you and you had
a great idea, so we...
I want to emcee it.
Your party.
Okay. Okay, well...
Look, we're here to talk to you
about what we want.
You want me.
And in order to get me...
you have to let me emcee your party.
Oh, and I'd also like to do
a live video blog...
for my web series.
Are they going to let you do that?
They've got to.
They need me.
Without me...
you guys look like a bunch
of privileged assholes.
Right, well, we don't...
we don't really let people...
"video blog" our-our events.
Well...
you got a week to put
this thing together, Boo-Boo.
So what's it going to be?
You look surprised.
It's just not everyone
is as camera ready as you are.
Get your game on
for only $3.99 a month.
The important thing is...
if your invite is the
one that is picked...
to be sent out, then you are guaranteed
a spot on our staff.
...for a low, low price.
The sci-fi marathon
continues right now.
Just over nine minutes to go
in this quarter.
They need to score on this drive.
Looking for the blitz, but he...
Troy, come on in.
Martin, share with Troy
what you've just shared with me.
The server that processes the voting
results for house elections...
has shut down the AP database.
Apparently, the intermediary program...
is on a refractile loop.
I'm a Poli-Sci major, man.
Sam currently has 445 votes.
That's 200 more than she had
last week during the actual election.
She cheated.
She hacked the system.
I wouldn't even know how
to do a thing like that.
Is this little war of yours
really so important?
Look, I understand the pressure to stand
for something in an institution like this...
but you're barking up
the wrong tree. Okay?
It had to have been Reggie.
Guy's in my programming class.
Good, just forgot
to turn his program off.
Wow.
You are the rightful head of house.
So great.
Martin, let me speak to Troy for a bit.
I appreciate this.
Your advisor tells me that you're
hanging on by a thread in your major.
Maybe it's time for you to reprioritize.
You're trying to frighten me...
but I think you're the
one who is scared.
And I think that you long for days...
when blacks were hanging from trees
and denied actual rights.
That way you would have something
to actually fight against.
You'll be facing two hearings
in the coming weeks...
that could end in either
a suspension or probation.
One on the merit of your show...
the other on your election
to head of house.
Your responsibilities
to your house are suspended.
Your show is dead.
And if there is another one
of your illegal demonstrations...
it's going to get a lot worse.
This is a critical time for this school.
You're damn right it is.
We don't have
an intolerance problem here.
Except for the one I'm looking at.
You didn't tell me that you and Sophia
had a misunderstanding.
Who did?
Her father.
She was very upset.
What vision do you have
for yourself, Troy?
Get my degree...
then law school, then...
And what has that got to do...
with partying with Kurt...
smoking weed, and writing jokes?
So okay, what is it?
The spotlight that Kurt gets?
You want to see yourself on TV?
You know how many black men
waste their lives...
trying to be on TV,
be rappers or ballplayers?
Dad, no.
I want what we always talk about.
Maybe have my own firm someday...
run for office.
Make a difference.
What about the drugs?
I have been in academia a long time.
I've seen a lot of things.
And the men who really run this world...
oh...
you've got no idea what they see
when they see you.
You are not going to be
what they all think you are.
You are not going to give them
that satisfaction.
Do you hear me?
Yes, sir.
Get out of my sight.
President's office.
I'll be right there.
I know about the party.
What party?
Yeah, cute.
Let me tell you something.
You picked a hell of a time.
- It's the Halloween party.
- I want you to listen to something.
It's canceled, Kurt.
End of story.
I can't cancel.
There's like 100 people coming.
Hey.
Lionel's story on the
would be protest...
outside Gillespie is running tomorrow.
Yeah, and I've also got Lionel
working on a profile piece...
of Armstrong-Parker,
like you suggested.
Really break down what's going on.
Right?
It's almost like they...
recycle so much from their past.
Music, food, fashion...
and now turbulence.
Thank you so much.
Take care.
- Well?
- That was our Times advisor.
He said it's stories like these...
that get editors
letters of recommendation.
Negro at the door
didn't scare you this time?
Lionel, please.
You're only technically black.
G? Going to French.
- Should I save you a seat?
- Yeah, thanks.
You need something?
I saw your email.
Oh, yeah.
I need someone to do
the donors event on Saturday.
A small dinner
for the school's big givers.
That's Halloween night.
Right, which is why
no one else will take it.
Ah, thus the new guy.
I'm going to class, but...
you can stay and check out
last year's piece if you want.
- You'll do fine.
- I don't know.
Is there going to be any
racially fueled outbursts at this thing?
You never know, right?
Hey, am I a good writer?
You'll get better.
And we need you right now.
Please, you're just
one big recommendation...
away from the Times.
Hey...
There's a big party
after the donors event.
Call me after.
Maybe we can hang?
Yeah, yeah, sounds good.
Dear white people...
Are you tired of your humdrum
Wonder Bread existence...
of accidental racism,
and wishing you could sip...
on henny out your crunk cup...
without a bitch
giving you the side eye?
Of course you are.
For all those looking
to unleash their inner negro...
from years of bondage and oppression...
Pastiche proudly presents...
Dear White People...
our 89th annual Hallows Eve
costume party...
tonight at 10 Pacific time...
or five colored people time.
Dudes must rock Fubu, Ecko...
Rocawear, or Sean John.
XXXL is
the smallest sized T-shirt...
you can wear...
preferably with a collage
of Barack Obama...
and Tupac on it.
Ladies, we need to see
huge hoop earrings...
long nails, and cheap, tight clothes.
Proper hood rat starts fights,
speaks loudly...
and when she can't think
of the words she's trying to say...
just makes one up,
such as "edjmucated."
Now feel free
to fry on up some chicken...
bring some Kool-Aid, watermelon...
forties, and of course,
that purple drank.
Naturally, there will be
a freestyle rap competition...
so bring it and join us
for the party of the year.
Oh, and uh...
Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga
nigga, nigga.
Boy, that felt good.
Funny seeing you here.
Pops likes to show me off
at all these donor functions.
So...
Picard or Kirk?
Kirk. Wait.
- I didn't say...
- Yo.
What happens at the crib
stays at the crib.
I'm not trying to get my card revoked.
Someone could say
that a show that had...
Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn,
and Kunta Kinte himself...
was a pretty black show.
- That work out for you?
- No, no, it did not.
At least not in high school.
Bet there's, like, a statue of you
in your high school.
I was beloved.
They know you were a Trekker?
So what, you growing that out?
I think it's gaining sentience.
Yeah, it's out there.
Yeah, it's like a black hole
for white people's fingers.
They're... obsessed.
I mean, you know I cut hair, though.
So why don't you just ask me?
I don't know. You're... you.
Ly, you ready, man?
Yeah. No costumes?
I got a suit for this.
We just got out of the staffroom.
Yeah, we're going as overworked.
- Where is it?
- Garmin House, on Third, I think.
Third and Basin.
I know it.
Yo, man.
If I'd have gone to your high school...
I'd have had your back.
This is kind of fucked up, right?
Pastiche, the world's
most erudite boneheads.
I need another drink.
Hey.
Sorry.
It's all right. I just can't
wait to cut all of this off.
Don't you dare.
I could eat you like a Hershey's.
I'll... I'll be right back.
Okay.
Sam.
I hope to run for office someday.
Make a difference, you know?
If you guys will excuse me
for one moment.
I promise I'll be right back.
Hold that thought.
So what do you want me to do?
Go over and yell at them?
Have you heard you yelling?
For the first time in my life,
I can't just sit around...
and do nothing.
So... how can you?
I'm done being everybody's
angry black chick.
Hey, muffins.
So how do I look?
Tell me...
why are white folks
so obsessed with being black?
Hell, why are black folks addicted
to blonde Barbie doll weaves?
The strange symbiosis
that we're here to investigate.
Hi.
How's it going?
All right.
This is-
- Black Student Union.
- Black Student Union, yeah.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause it's 7:30.
It's your call, man.
All right, all right...
All right, y'all.
Thanks for coming out.
Tonight, looks like Sam
is not going to make it...
so let's call it.
Um, hi.
I'm Lionel.
I know some of you.
None of you know me.
I've never been to a meeting.
I plan on coming.
I just came from this party...
and I feel like you guys
should know about it.
Hey, Kurt.
What's up, man?
- How you doing?
- What the fuck is going on?
All these people just showed up, man.
Wait, who am I?
"Bitch, it's weave, noun,
present tense, how."
Okay, point taken.
- Hey, man, you want a drink?
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
- Kurt, it's me.
I can't do this.
Okay, I'm fucking confused.
- Dad.
- Not now, Troy.
But Dad, it's important.
I heard there's something
happening on campus...
and I might have been a part
of setting it off.
Son, you're being rude.
Oh, am I?
Well, how about I tell
all your precious donors...
and anybody who will listen
what kind of school it is
they're giving to!
What is wrong with you?
How dare you?
You can't come over here
and talk to your father...
All I say is "Yes, sir"
and "No, sir."
Now look, I should have
brought this to you earlier...
but I didn't know what to do.
- Okay, let's wait.
- Listen to me!
Done right, brother.
What's the plan?
We go over there.
Now.
Think there's enough of us?
Latinos United
is meeting across the hall.
Asian-American League, too.
You guys got better snacks.
Wait, what?
Yeah, dude, we all got it.
I mean, everything is cool, right?
Take that shit off!
Take that fucking shit off.
Wait, what the fuck are you doing, man?
Jesus!
We're putting an end to this, Kurt.
You know what?
Everybody get the fuck out of my house.
Okay? I'm calling the cops.
Let's make it do what it do!
One, two, one, two, three.
Yo, give me your wife before I slap ya.
I've been looking for some dames...
but there's not another chapter.
You can do me slow, you can do me fast.
You can add it to my league.
I'm the royalty to ask for.
One, two, wa-wa-wa-one.
I say hey!
Hey!
- Ho!
- Ho!
My name is Lionel.
Some call me Ly.
Most people think I kind of talk quiet.
But that's all right, that's all cool.
I'd rather be white
than tap dance with you.
Get the fuck out of my house.
- What you doing?
- Get the fuck out of here!
What?
Say it.
Come on.
You know, this may come
as a shock to you...
but these people don't give a fuck
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They pay millions of dollars...
on their lips, their tans...
their asses, Jay-Z tickets...
because they want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
I'm not about to go out
into the streets...
and protest a fucking Halloween party.
He can't help it.
But why do you have to be such a fag?
Looks like you got me
right where you want me, huh?
Hey...
I didn't do this, Sam.
I didn't do this.
Outrage over an African-American
themed party...
has resulted in rioting
and property damages.
Naturally, a dozen
colored folks crashing a party...
was dubbed a riot, but nevertheless...
the story made national news.
I'm sorry.
We don't condone
this egregious event, believe me.
Dean Fairbanks and I are looking
into different ways...
to address issues of diversity...
- Housing reform!
- Yeah!
Housing reform.
I mean, the fact that
we can joke about this...
proves we moved on, obviously, right?
I mean, in this day and age,
if you can't take a joke...
Shit, I'm just saying this is
an attack on my freedom of speech.
I'm the victim here!
The campus was divided.
Was the party an act of free speech,
or was it racism?
I mean, this is only a debate
because of who Kurt's dad is...
which just proves the point.
I mean, all you did was have a radio
show and look what happened to you.
This may come as a shock to you but
these people don't give a fuck...
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
Of course I got my dad involved.
It was the right thing to do.
And now all of these posters
just started showing up.
I mean, why settle for head of house...
when there's a need for me
as president, you know?
Dear white people...
You know what?
Never mind.
When I heard
what the group was planning...
I emailed my staff
and I told them to quit.
That is a copy of the email
in front of you.
And who's this?
My lawyer.
So when I got the invite
and saw everyone clicking yes...
I figured it was back on.
- We know you were planning this.
- Your son tell you that?
"Wishing you could sip on
henny out your crunk cup...
"without a bitch
giving you the side eye."
You write this, Troy?
No.
- Mine wasn't chosen.
- But you wanted to be.
What I wanted didn't matter then,
so why should it matter now?
I'm the one who got you
to send the police, remember?
The invite came
from the Pastiche Facebook account.
I canceled the party!
You got to believe me.
What were your intentions
when you went back the second time?
To stop it.
By any means necessary?
Someone once told me that...
Winchester was like jazz.
Now I don't know much about jazz...
but from what I can tell...
when your solo is up...
you better blow.
You want to hear something strange?
The Pastiche group page
hadn't been used for months...
until the invite went out.
Why am I even here?
What's interesting
is how easy it was...
to access the group page.
The password was "pa$tiche"
spelled with a dollar sign...
according to Kurt...
but it seems
it's recently been changed.
I couldn't figure it out at first.
Then I thought to try something.
578-35-26-196.
Eleven numbers.
Just like our student I.D. numbers.
Just like your student I.D. number.
As much as you hate him,
you will stop at nothing...
to protect your master and his boy.
Did you send out the invite, Sam?
It wasn't speeches that turned
the tide for civil rights.
It was the anarchists willing
to provoke the police...
get sprayed by hoses...
anything to cause a scene
and make press.
That invite, whoever sent it...
should have been met
with derision and outrage.
Instead, 100 people, your students...
showed up,
and they pulled out posters...
and decorations and costumes...
that they had made for such an event...
and they showed our school...
exactly where it's at.
Well, you've made some new friends.
I guess you could call them that.
- So...
- No, not right now.
Not here.
- Fine.
- Oh, come on, Coco.
Fuck you, Troy.
Look, my dad saw your videos...
and he's just a little worried...
How it will look?
With your campaign and all?
What's your best friend Reggie think?
Hey... we had fun.
All right?
You know, I get that everybody else
wants you to win, Troy.
But do you?
Hello, Sam.
I read about Armstrong-Parker.
Yeah, Pres. made
an executive withdrawal...
so Armstrong stays black.
Congrats.
I don't know. It's getting
a little too dramatic, man.
I'm thinking about getting
an apartment off campus.
So we'll see.
Sam White going
against the grain? Shocking.
How's Papa White?
- Recovering.
- Good.
Well...
We were actually
on the phone last night...
for hours.
It was the first time
we talked since the bypass.
And he was putting up a strong front...
teasing me about being so worried.
And then came the stories
about me as a little girl...
that I'd heard 1,000 times.
About how...
independent I was.
Want to talk about it?
My mom worked nights...
so he'd always
take me to school, and...
it used to piss me off...
because he'd follow me
all the way to homeroom.
And whenever he'd try
to hold my hand...
I'd scream and... pull it away.
The students and the parents...
they'd see this white man...
and this black girl...
and they'd wonder
what we were doing together.
Even at nine, I could feel
their eyes on me.
And I was just a bratty girl.
I didn't know any better,
but the thought of losing him...
You know?
I, um...
I just feel so bad.
How awful am I to do that to...
him, or to anyone...
that I...
love.
I'm sure he forgives you.
You think so?
So anyway, I don't know...
why I said all that.
Sam, where are you going?
I don't know.
Lunch.
Isn't it Mac N' Cheese day
at Armstrong-Parker?
You think they'll let you in?
Let me get this straight.
First you try to break up
the black house.
Then you take down the sister
with the little radio show.
Then after all of that...
- your son throws a blackface party.
- Now wait a minute.
Now if you thought you were
having trouble finding money before...
just wait until cable news
gets their hands on this story.
I mean, Bill Maher
is going to fuck you up.
You know, I've heard enough. I'm sorry.
Look, the point is
from where I'm sitting...
- this place is a gold mine.
- What?
Well, we still need the stuff
that leads up to the party.
That happened already.
Well yeah, we can re-enact it.
Re-enact.
It's a documentary term.
I...
The point is, I could be
putting together an overall deal today.
I am talking real money.
Turns out the only thing
Americans love in their reality TV...
more than ignorant black kids
is crazy racist white folks.
Now look here.
This is an honorable institution.
The idea that we would
so much as entertain...
How much we talking?