Deon Cole: Charleen's Boy (2022) Movie Script
Oh, this water is so good.
I don't know why I was so thirsty.
But anyway, I feel comfortable now.
It feels real good in here. Yeah.
It's so good to see you, babe.
What are you...
Tell me, I've been thinking about it...
What are you doing with Netflix?
Is it gonna be like your...
Cole Blooded Seminar that you did?
Is it gonna be like
the Cole Blooded... you taught?
You know, you taught at your
Cole Blooded Seminar, you taught.
You took the people to school.
It's gonna be--
- You talked about peanut butter.
You talked about, relationships.
You talked about sex.
I'll get you on that one.
What else?
What's up, Brooklyn? How y'all feeling?
Thank you all for coming out, man.
I sure appreciate y'all for coming
out to this special and shit, man.
Good to see you. How're y'all
beautiful motherfucking faces tonight?
Give it up for yourselves, thank you.
I'ma tell you this much, though.
These young women
have been on my ass lately.
I ain't gonna even lie, look.
And I know they're young, too.
Because they're always
asking me for my Instagram
instead of my phone number and shit.
Yeah, that's young bitch game.
"Wanna go out?" "Yeah." "What's your IG?"
I'll be like, "Argh, young bitch! Shit."
Could it be some old
motherfucker's asking for my Instagram,
I'd be like, "Now, you know you're
too old to be asking for my Instagram.
Go get a pen."
"You know better,
motherfucker. Go get a pen.
Old bitch keep a pen, don't you?"
All this technology,
that motherfucker is still got that pen.
Phone right here in her hand.
I asked a woman one day,
I was like, "If you see an attractive man,
do you come on to him when you him?"
She was like, "No." I was like, "Really?"
I was asking another woman out.
I was like, "If you see an attractive guy,
do you say anything to him?"
She was like, "No.
If he don't say nothing to me,
then it really ain't going down."
I was like,
"That's some dumb ass shit, man.
Do you know how many potential soulmates,
husbands your goofy ass could have had,
if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked,
smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?"
You even ain't gotta look
at the man directly in his eye.
You can just look
at his way and he'll get it."
A woman look my way
too long, I'ma be like,
"I'ma go over there and
put this thang on that bitch, I promise."
I mean, you and I speaking.
And you women over 45,
let me tell you something.
You can't afford not to speak to anybody.
You need to be speaking
to everybody you see.
Every door you go through,
you need to be like, "Hey, y'all!
I'm Sheryl.
I brought potato salad."
Bitch, you need to boil potato salad
every goddamn door you go through,
because time ain't on your side.
Don't be mad at me.
This's God talking to you right now.
I'm just a vessel.
Damn, older women know that.
See, you gotta understand,
like, woman 50, 55 and up,
they understand you know that
the older you get, and everybody knows
this, men and women, the older you get,
you know, time becomes
the new currency. It really does.
Money, I'ma make that.
I'ma get that. But my time,
you fuck over my time,
motherfucker, we're gonna have a problem
because I can't get that back.
Goddamn it!
Motherfucker take me
to a fucked up movie, I'll be like,
"Bitch, I'ma need two hours about you."
Goddamn it. Older women know that, though.
They move as such too.
See, they don't ride
with a whole bunch of women and shit.
Like when they go out, they don't ride
with a whole bunch of women and shit
because it's too time-consuming, you know.
Waiting on three bitches to get ready,
you'll miss the show and shit.
Going out to eat, one bitch want taco,
one want a hotdog, one want a pizza...
you'll starve fucking with these hoes.
Old bitch will be like, "No, just send me
that address. I'll meet you out there."
"No, I'ma meet you all there.
Ain't you gonna be drinking and driving?"
"Yes I am, bitch."
Bitch ready to catch
a DUI than fuck with you, ho!
That's how serious this is.
Plus they drive by themselves
just in case it goes down that night.
They can dip off without
a whole bunch of judgement and shit.
Yeah.
- Yeah!
Without a whole bunch of
motherfuckers in their business and shit.
"Text me when you get in."
"Nah, I'll be alright, bitch.
I don't need to text you."
"I'm 50 for a reason, ho.
I've made it this far. I'ma be alright.
I don't need to start texting bitches,
letting them know I'm leaving."
Yeah.
Older women, lemme ask you something.
If you ever have be at a party,
and you see a young girl there
and that motherfucker be dropping
that motherfucker down to the ground,
do you be jealous of her knees?
Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do.
Young bitch sweeping
the floor with her ass.
You can't go no lower than this.
All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here.
Bust out Tina Turner shit all there.
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it!
Some of y'all sex toys
are older than your kids.
Got that same rabbit tongue...
wand... bullet...
It ain't even a bullet
no more. It's a slingshot, shit.
Upgrade your shit. There's some
new shit out there right now called,
Tracy's Dog.
Our little
testimonial holler is right there.
Shando!
Let them use you, sister! Go ahead.
Tracy's Dog, this
motherfucker is serious, you hear me?
It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, y'all.
My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep
that motherfucker in the house
because I ain't getting
any shit done with it in there, alright?
Can't get shit done
with that motherfucker in there.
This motherfucker
is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?"
And this is like this
U-shaped device, right? This part goes in,
it's vibrating and it curves
around to the top. And on top,
there's this sucking mechanism
that goes right on the clit.
All it does is just sucks.
Ten speeds
of sucking on this motherfucker.
This bitch will collapse
your forehead, I promise you.
It's serious. Now go ahead.
Put it in your phone. Go ahead.
No, go ahead before you forget it
and shit. Put it in your god...
Don't worry about who's looking at you.
Put it in your phone.
You old women, put it...
you know your mind ain't...
doing like it used to be. Go ahead,
put it in your phone before you forget it.
Sitting there trying
to remember that shit.
"Ha ha ha, he's so silly.
Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."
"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog...
"Okay, I know a bitch, she's named Tracy.
She got a dog. Tracy's dog.
You know, Tracy's... Tracy's dog."
You out there with your man. Your man's
like, "You don't need that shit."
"You're right, Daddy."
"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."
Older men change too.
It ain't just women. Men change too.
We get old and shit.
Like, we can't fuck the same.
No, not at all. The older we get,
now, we can't fuck the same.
Shit, sometimes, niggas don't even be
thinking about fucking like that, though.
For real, though. Just imagine
doing this for 50 years. Just...
50 years, just...
Picking up all different sizes of bitches.
50 fucking years, just...
Niggas get tired of that shit!
50 years of that shit, no.
Niggas can't be thinking about fucking
all the time. Not successful men.
No. Successful older men
won't be thinking about fucking.
We'll be having other shit
on our minds like taxes and,
"When are the kids moving out?" Payroll...
Motherfuckers depend on us.
We got payroll.
We ain't got time to be cuddling
with your ass all the goddamn time.
And then we are cuddling
with you, we ain't thinking about you.
You know what we're thinking about?
When I'm gonna get
the feeling back in my goddamn arm?
From your big ass
laying on it for two hours.
If I wanna grab a titty, I can't feel it.
Got no time to be cuddling with you,
motherfucker I got payroll in the morning.
"Grab that goddamn pen
and help me crunch these numbers, bitch."
This is what older successful men do
when it comes to our wives,
girlfriends, fiances and shit.
We fuck to keep you.
That's the realest shit you gonna hear.
"Not my man." Especially your man, bitch.
Whoever the fuck just thought that.
We fuck to keep you and that's it.
Your man could be sitting on the couch
at home, one sock on, one sock off...
Holes all in his underwear...
Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt...
He just ate three sandwiches.
You can tell from
the bread crust on his plate.
Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen
and making a fourth sandwich.
And you come down the steps looking
good to the motherfucker, he's like,
"Where are you going?"
"I told you it was
April's birthday. We're going out."
"We're gonna get something to eat,
and after we get something to eat,
we'll go get some drinks, so...
you ain't gotta wait up."
"Let me put a little dick in you
before you get on outta here."
He didn't want to fuck. He had to fuck.
Looking too good.
You gotta put that dick in there.
You ain't even thinking about no pussy.
He was going to make another sandwich.
Wasn't thinking about no goddamn pussy.
You gotta put that dick
in her before she go out.
Man, before somebody else
offer her some dick.
See, one thing a lot of women don't do,
they don't do two dicks in one day. That
kinda fucks with their psyche and shit.
Yeah. They don't do two in one day.
So you gotta be the first one in there.
You gotta get in there first.
If she goes out and another nigga offers
some dick, she's gonna be like, "Oh!
Damn, why did I let
that other nigga fuck me earlier?!
Should have listened to my spirit."
Fellas, your girl ever come home
from out kicking it all night
and she goes straight to bed
and you'll be like this,
"Hey, baby. I've been up waiting
on you and shit. I know you had
a good time tonight but come on.
Hey, I know you're ready." She'll be like,
"Look, just let me go to sleep, please."
If that happened, you're number two.
See how the laughter died down?
Men, in here like, "Ha ha ha...
That bitch did that shit Thursday night."
There's a certain age, a man should be
where he should
no longer be considered a gentleman.
Like a motherfucker being 80 years old...
He shouldn't be considered a gentleman,
you shouldn't even look
at him to be a gentleman.
Motherfucker's 80.
But women don't give a fuck.
As long as somebody's
doing something for your monkey ass,
that's all you care about.
That's damn true.
I'm at the airport and shit,
this little young chick
she gets to the door,
she waiting on somebody to open it,
I'm about 30 feet away, I'm like,
"Nigga, I ain't about to go
over there and open that door."
But here comes
this old teskyer man nigga like,
Young bitch go through the door,
the door slid his ass on.
Like, "You seen I'm struggling, bitch."
This woman gets on
the plane with her luggage and shit.
She like,
"Ugh! I can't pick it up."
You knew you couldn't pick
that motherfucker up
when you packed
all them goddamn sweaters and shit.
But you ain't give a fuck 'cause you
thought some man gonna come along and...
And sure enough, here come
this old civil rights nigga like...
We had to grab that nigga like,
"Champ! Sit down, champ.
We'll get it. We'll get it, champ.
We'll get it, champ."
You gotta call them old niggas champ
to make them feel like they still got it.
It's all good, champ.
You woulda got that shit up there
if that bitch didn't pack up
all them sequined sweaters and shit.
Those sequins get heavy
when they're in bulk like that, champ.
I would not be a gentleman
for you until I get to know you.
Point blank. Period.
'Cause you don't even know what the
fuck you want, as a collective. You don't.
Some women, you open the door for them,
they'll be like, "Thank you so much."
Some women be like, "I can open the door!"
You'll be like, "Bitch,
go open the goddamn door!"
Scaring me and shit.
Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on
what they're do and don't do for them
before you even know who we are!
Cold game y'all been running it for years.
Gentlemen shit. Well, hell,
there ain't no gentlewomen shit to do.
Name some gentlewomen shit. Right.
Here's some gentlewomen shit y'all can do.
Just go to a random motherfucker
and moisturize his hands.
Yeah, that'll work.
Nigga talking,
"Yeah, I told that nigga last night..."
"Well, that's mighty sweet of you,
Ma'am. Thank you very much."
Looking at the motherfucker, he like...
"Aha!"
Gentlemen shit. What?!
I gotta open the door for you,
pull your chair out.
If it's cold outside, I gotta take
my jacket off and put it on you
but I saw the weather and I knew
it was 40 motherfucking degrees.
So I brought a jacket.
So now I gotta catch pneumonia
'cause your goofy ass
won't watch the weather.
I commend all you young folks
out here to taking a stance in life
on all kinds of shit
like Black Lives Matter.
Gay, trans, bi and all that shit.
I commend y'all, man.
It was instilled
in our minds back in the day like,
if you was gay or something like that,
they'd beat your ass and shit if
that shit was, if you was gay or whatever.
There's a lot of people my age
right now ain't living their truth
because of the way that we was
fucking raised and shit. Right now.
Real shit.
Wasn't nobody gay in my class.
Wasn't nobody gay in my school.
Wasn't nobody gay in my school district.
Not that I know of.
Yeah, wasn't nobody,
like, hanging out like that.
Man, the motherfuckers was
like homophobic as fuck back in the day.
I remember my mother took me
to one of my uncle's houses
to stay over there for the summer.
This nigga was homophobic as fuck.
Had all these rules and shit. We get
over there, this motherfucker's like,
"Yeah, uh,
first of all, I got some rules and shit
if you gonna stay here,
you understand me? First of all,
if you see something in my hair,
you leave it there, motherfucker, alright?
Don't no man pick shit out of
another man's hair, you understand me?
There's a feather in there, you leave
that motherfucking feather in there.
There could be a whole bird in my shit,
you leave it in there, motherfucker.
If there's something in my eye, nigga,
you fix your lips to blow on my eye,
I'll rip your motherfucking mouth off.
Don't no man blow on another man's eye.
You let that motherfucker
bleed to death, you understand me?
If I catch you on your tippy-toes,
I'm kicking you and your nuts.
If you can't reach some shit, you get
a broom or shoe trying to knock it down.
If it don't fall,
it ain't meant for you, nigga.
But I catch you on your tippy-toes,
I'll fuck you up, you understand that?
You put cologne on in this house, nigga,
you spray that shit dead on your clothes.
If you spray that shit in the air
and walk through, nigga, I'll fuck you up.
"Nigga, if I see this shit...
I'll beat your ass, you understand me?
And all the food you eat in this house
better be solid as a rock, motherfucker.
Don't you eat shit
that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker.
Ain't no Twinkies,
jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs,
Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls
and it burst all in your mouth.
You keep your cold, nigga!"
Look, I'm nine years old,
like, "Argh..."
All I'm saying to the younger generation
is, "Be patient with us,
being patient with you."
Alright?
'Cause I can only fathom
what a motherfucker go through
not living their truth and shit, you know.
Being something
that they're not, you know.
I can, I mean, I sympathize
with people like that, you know.
I remember one time, I read
an article about me. That shit said,
"Deon Cole is gay."
I was like, "What?!"
It didn't say, "Is he gay?"
"Deon Cole is gay,"
like they had facts on this shit.
Hey, motherfucker,
I ain't never been gay, goddamn it.
Closest I came to being gay
was fucking a tomboy.
That was my nigga.
That bitch was cold on the court, nigga.
That bitch was at a crossover...
crossing over niggas, nigga.
Breaking niggas ankles out there, nigga.
I had to let her go though,
'cause every time we had sex
she would put her arms under
my arms and grab me and do this shit.
"Look, get your arms
from under my arms, bitch.
"That's some disrespectful shit."
Slide that shit under
then grab me like, "Yeah, nigga."
What the fuck is you doing?
Get your arms from me.
I like to take pictures
of fucked up shit I see,
save it on my phone
and use it for lies later on.
If I had a girl and I was out all night,
she be like, "Where the fuck you at?"
Send her a picture of a helicopter crash.
"As soon as they clean this shit up, baby,
I'm on my way home."
Men out there like, "Ha ha..."
"Makes sense to me!"
There, anything fucked up. Take
a picture of it. You could use that shit.
You see somebody fighting, film that shit.
You could easily be like, "Man,
that's my boy. I gotta go help him there."
I'm telling you this shit works, nigga.
Dead animals, take a picture
of them. Anything fucked up.
Oh, here's the good one.
If you see an abandoned car
on the side of the road
take a picture of that motherfucker there.
You could leave
in the middle of the night on those.
Yeah, you get up, get dressed
at midnight. Your girl like,
"Where the fuck you going?"
Be like, "To get my boy a jump."
"He'd been out there
for three days. I gotta go help him."
"Why is it daylight
in the picture, nigga?"
"God works in mysterious ways, bitch."
How many fellas out here
with a thick woman with him tonight?
Make some noise. Where you at?
Should be a few more of y'all clapping.
You know I can see you, right?
Let me ask one more time
before I start point niggas out.
How many in here with a thick one tonight?
Make some noise.
Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then.
Did you clap? Okay.
I'm making sure you clapped.
There we go, alright.
Nigga all under the seat with it.
You ever take a thick woman to the 'hood?
That shit's stressful than a motherfucker.
Them 'hood niggas
don't give a fuck you're with her,
they'll be circling
that motherfucker like...
I'd be standing there
like I don't see none of that shit.
I ain't getting shot
over this motherfucker, nigga.
Putting their dick all on her thighs shit.
"You're just gonna
let them do that to me?!"
"Let me take this call,
I'll be right back."
Um, I don't think I'm where I need
to be at in my career and shit, you know.
I think I'm almost there but
I ain't really there and shit, you know.
I can tell I'm not there because,
I still got a flyer guy.
I think if you still got
a motherfucker making flyers for you
you ain't really where you,
where you really wanna be at in life.
Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can
post they're shit, one time. "World Tour.
Our latest sellout." Me?
I gotta make individual flyers
for every city I go to.
And try to appease to them, you know?
"Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque.
Check this slab out tonight
at the Comedy Club."
Men's some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are.
You know what we do when we go pee?
Any toilet we see, we get to it.
If there's something
on the inside rim of that toilet,
we gotta piss it off.
It's gotta happen.
It turn into a game instantly.
I don't give a fuck
what it is, gum, toilet paper...
It could be somebody
else's shit. We don't care.
Soon as we see it, we be like, "Oh!"
We don't move, nigga. We froze
right on that spot, pissing.
When you run out of piss,
you be mad as shit, like,
"No, no! Argh!
Ah, I lost."
Let me go get another beer.
Who in here used to be racist?
Niggas in here like, "Used to be?!
Still is, nigga!"
You know what
some racist shit is in hotels?
Overhead showers.
You ever check into a hotel, they got that
motherfucker come out the ceiling down?
That's some racist shit.
Yeah, they ain't thinking about niggas.
Nah, they're not.
They thinking about white folks.
When I see shit like that,
that let me know
ain't no Black people
on the board over there.
If there was, there'd be
one nigga like, "Hell no.
This shit here coming straight from
the ceiling, we niggas don't want that.
Water hit our hair first
then the rest of us? No!"
White folks like that.
That make them feel like they're in a,
rainfall or some waterfall.
Nah. Niggas want that spout out the wall
where the water descend down and we can
decide how much water we want on our hair
if any. If any.
You go straight out the ceiling shit.
Now you got motherfuckers
washing up like this in that motherfucker.
This white woman called me a nylph.
I was like, "Bitch,
I ain't never be your neighbor."
I got no money living next door to me...
You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma'am?
Excuse me, white lady,
you was thinking "neighbor"?
Would you like to answer
the question or get fucked up?
You wanna answer the question
or get fucked up tonight, which one?
You gonna answer the question? Answer!
Neighbor? Alright.
There we go. Appreciate that.
She's still racist too.
You ain't Black to me
unless you got a case
of water on the floor at home.
That's how I test niggas' Blackness
when I get to their house.
I walk around
with my hands behind my back.
Can I see your pantry please?
Or laundry room.
They're the same, I think.
That case of water
be dusty than a motherfucker.
Niggas never drink that water, boy.
They use it as a stepladder now and shit.
Listen up, white folks.
If you go to a Black person's house,
and use their bathroom,
and in that bathroom, you see some
clean, crispy white towels hanging up...
You better not touch them motherfucker.
Them for show.
You use your clothes like everybody else.
Tonight, fellas, when you go home
to your girl, y'all about to get it in
and get it popping and shit like that,
she wanna get all the way naked,
don't let her get naked. No.
This could be your wife or whoever,
don't let her get all in there.
Tell her to keep them panties on, yes.
Something about a pair of panties on,
man, make you feel like uh,
you ain't supposed to be doing this.
Like you ain't got enough time.
Yeah, tell her
to keep them panties on, goddamn it.
Just hook the motherfucker to the side.
A nice "hookening" just...
Yeah.
Catch her at night while she brushing
her teeth by the sink, you know,
before she go to bed.
That's if y'all brush your teeth at night.
Aw, don't do that. Don't do that.
There's a whole bunch of you
goodnight hoes in here right now.
Wrap your hair up, "Goodnight!"
Ain't brush shit
but your edges, motherfucker.
She brushing her teeth, come behind her,
nigga, smack her on that ass and shit,
she be like, "What you doing?"
Hook the motherfucker over here,
slide in the motherfucker. Yeah.
Now the elastic from them panties
gonna eat that dick up on the left side.
Oh yeah, it's gonna chafe
the shit out of that dick
but keep going, nigga, you a soldier, go.
Go! No burn, no earn, nigga, roll!
I got some jokes
I'm gonna read for y'all real quick.
Hopefully, y'all like 'em. If y'all don't,
I'll never see y'all again and all...
You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods?
Anytime I do, I always go up to her and
be like, "Today must be your first day."
When you're
in a grocery store checkout line,
whose job is it
to put the grocery divider down?
Is it the person that's standing there,
or the person that walks up
because this is a very stressful moment.
Go.
The person standing there.
Yeah, fuck that!
Why fucking would I put
the divider down and probably
ain't nobody even behind me?
It should be the job
of the person that walks up to put
the divider down to buy their groceries.
I'm in line, this white dude
come behind me like, "Ugh!"
I'm like, "Wait a minute, white nigga,
I ain't know that was
my job to put that down."
Come over here
stressing me out, white nigga.
You ever curse when you pray?
Y'all some bourgeois motherfuckers.
"Lord, keep these hating
assholes off of a bitch, God.
Don't wanna see a bitch be great, God."
You ever asked God to hurt somebody?
"Lord, please kill my supervisor.
"I'll glorify your name forevermore.
Shaloh!"
You ever be wearing some pants,
go home take them off?
Next day, you wake up, you be like,
"Shit. Didn't nobody see that outfit?"
So you put them same pants on.
You just going on with your day.
About an hour later,
you notice a big knot in your pants,
and it's your drawers from yesterday?
"My good drawers, too.
I can't throw these away."
I just push them up
by my dick until I get home.
White people don't laugh at that joke
'cause they wear their shit
five days any goddamn week.
Why do you guys do that?
I only call white people "guys" 'cause
it makes them feel comfortable and shit.
Y'all niggas do it too at work.
Put on your white voice and shit.
"Hey guys, we're going to lunch."
"You're buying?" "Thanks, guys."
I never call Black people "guys."
Never call niggas "guys."
Like, "Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?"
"Who the fuck you calling guys, nigga?
Get your moist ass
outa here, motherfucker."
Is it racist to say, "No way, Jose"?
'Cause that's my shit. I love saying it.
Let's find out. Hold on. Where
the Hispanic people at? Make some noise.
Hey! I can say that shit, right?
- Yeah!
See, this is how you learn,
motherfucker. Ask questions.
Yeah. Goddamn it.
Can white people say it?
- No!
Sorry, guys.
They'll fuck you up. Don't say it, guys.
Refrain.
Do vegan women swallow?
'Cause it's life so...
I don't know. I don't fucking know.
Protein?
It's protein. Men be running
that game a long time.
"Hey, bitch, get over here
and get this protein in your life.
Looking a little flimsy on that couch."
Some more testimonial chuckles over here.
Late, late, late at night,
right before you go to bed,
you had some nasty sex.
I'm talking about nasty, like,
you gotta kill this bitch
after y'all done.
She got secrets on you now.
Nasty.
I'm talking about sucking
and licking and cum shots
to the face and riding a man's face raw,
moustache all white, just...
nasty.
And right before you go to bed,
do you say your prayers?
I do.
I had a whole day
that happened before that episode
that I gotta give God the glory for.
So yes, I say my prayers.
I be on my knees butt-ass naked,
glistening.
Lips stuck together.
"Heavenly Father,
we thank you for this wonderful day
that you created, Lord.
Without Your grace and mercy,
I don't know where I'll be, Lord."
Oh my God!
I was having sex
with this girl and she screamed out,
"Deeper!" And I said, "Tighter!" And then,
and then we both sat there, depressed,
because we knew
we weren't gonna get what we wanted.
Oh, man.
Here's a fun fact,
pretty women are never in the way.
Pretty women are never in the way.
They're not.
"Oh, excuse me."
"Nah, you're straight. You're good."
"No, don't worry about him. He bleeds
in the neck all the goddamn time.
You good. Stay where you are. That's it."
My taste in women changed a lot, you know.
The type of women
I'm into right now is, lonely women.
Lonely. Like, lonely.
Like, she gotta use
her hanger to zip up her dresses.
See how there wasn't
a lot of laughter there just then?
A lot of women
evaluating their lives right now.
Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn't it?
Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was
talking about
the fat bitch and old fools, right?
Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up.
"Ha ha ha.
Fat bitch. Ha ha ha."
Lonely bitch.
You better smile. Everybody
gonna know you're the lonely bitch.
Smile.
Lonely.
Motherfucker got
a closet full of sundresses.
Hard to fuck with them zippers.
Look at all the lonely motherfuckers.
I'm gonna keep talking
about it until you smile.
Lonely.
Bitch ain't even got a shadow.
Shadow-less bitches. That's what I like.
Lonely.
Motherfucker ain't never been
in the carpool lane.
"Why they going so fast over there?"
You gotta know
somebody to be in that lane.
You will forever be in traffic.
Don't get in your emotions,
this is still jokes.
Stay with me, motherfucker.
I like older women.
Nice little vintage piece, you dig?
Yeah. Gotta have
a nice vintage piece in your life.
Keep everything all civilized,
you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece.
I love me a woman
with more yesterdays than tomorrows.
Say it again for the people on top.
I love a motherfucker
with more yesterdays than tomorrows!
Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig?
Nice nurturing motherfucker.
Yes.
Treat you so good,
you understand why her son won't leave.
Motherfucker 38, still at home.
He moved his girlfriend in.
All her money be warm.
"Go get me some bread."
Hmmm!
Every time we get in her old ass car,
it takes us 15 minutes to pull off.
Now she gotta find
the right CD to play in her book of CDs.
"This ain't it. Hand me
that red book down there. This ain't it.
The one that say "nephew." Give me that.
Now where's my Sounds of Blackness?"
She always making me feel sick.
Be coming to my house,
"Ooh, it's hot in here!"
What you got the heat on?"
"The air's on 65."
"No, it ain't! You must be sick!
Go in there and take some Theraflu."
Three p.m. nigga,
I'm drowsy than a motherfucker.
Fucking with
this motherfucker on her hot flashes.
Motherfucker has seven fan chains on.
Everywhere we go, I gotta get
this bitch a cup of crushed ice.
Y'all sleep with an older woman?
Whoop! They'll wear your ass out, boy.
An older woman? Aw, nigga, their...
A hole will outlast
a pole on them motherfuckers.
They'll wear your ass out, nigga.
If they don't catch no cramp,
shit.
Wear your ass out.
Fuck your ass into slave sleep.
You ever have slave sleep, nigga?
It's an inch from death, nigga. You be...
Cotton field sleep, nigga, that...
Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep.
Now when you have sex with an older woman,
they don't be making
a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah.
They just give you encouragement.
"Go ahead in there, baby.
Go ahead. Get in there.
No, go ahead. This ain't my first rodeo.
You ain't gotta be shy.
Go ahead. Push it on in there.
Push it. There you go! There he is!
I knew he's show up. There he is!
Go on ahead, baby. Put that back,
where I had that leg. Put that back.
Put it back. There you go now. Go on,
big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go.
Alright now, get off
them knees. Get off them knees."
What she want me off my knees for?
I keep all my vintage women the same.
I keep them all farsighted.
They can see for miles
and miles and miles.
But when we in bed
together, shoulder to shoulder,
and I'm texting hella hoes...
she can't see none of that shit.
And I keep my fonts real small.
My screen black as night.
She be trying to see, though.
That motherfucker be like...
Don't strain your brain, bitch.
You know you can't see this shit.
But when she put on them readers,
them Walgreen Number Threes,
the one with the chain
on the back of them motherfuckers?
That bitch could see through
my sim card wearing them motherfuckers.
Put my phone under the mattress, nigga.
I keep a young piece too, you dig.
Yeah, it's all about balance,
you know what I'm talking about. Yeah.
All about balance. That's what it is.
She keep me vibrant.
Keep me on my toes and shit, you know.
Always show me the cool little
TikTok videos and shit.
We busting up together and shit.
I be like, "Ha ha ha, send me that."
That make her happy
when I tell her, "Send me that."
That mean the video hot.
She be like, "Oh, let me send it to you."
She'd be playing me all
the new music out and shit.
And I be blowing her mind 'cause
I tell her where all her
original samples come from and songs.
I be like, "You know,
Curtis Mayville made that, right?"
Like, "What?!"
I keep all my young pieces the same too.
None of them can read cursive.
You know they don't teach
penmanship in college, right?
It's all typity-type type type.
Yeah, they don't know
how to read cursive, motherfucker.
Cursive is the new pig Latin, nigga.
They can't read that shit.
Show a young person the big S in cursive.
They don't know what it is.
They'd be like, "What's that?
The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?"
They don't know.
I'd be writing love letters to my vintage
bitch in front of my little young piece.
She don't know
what the fuck going on there.
She be trying to follow my pen and shit.
Mail it.
Getting old is the goal.
Know that getting old, is the goal.
You want to be
at a certain age in your life, man.
You wanna get there and shit.
Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit.
You wanna be there like,
it's a sexy place to be, goddamn it.
I promise you that, boy. For real.
There's a
I-don't-give-a-fuckness that just,
drench your mind, body and soul.
Unlike you ever been before.
There's a selfishness too
that you love and embrace,
goddamn it. You don't care about shit.
Not even your kids.
You're like, "I did the best
I could do. Y'all get the fuck out."
If you got a kid over the age of 19, you
got the right to say you don't have kids.
Next time you go out, ladies, and the
motherfucker like, "How many kids you got?
You like, "None. What we drinking?"
I be asking women.
I be like, "You got any grownups?"
You know, I'm old and I embrace that shit,
goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it.
I'm at that age now where as soon
as I get somewhere, I'm ready to go.
I don't give a fuck
how long it took me to get ready.
I don't care how long
it took me to get there.
I go on that bitch and spin around.
Alright.
I used to think old people were rude.
They always cut your off
when you're talking.
But that ain't the case. They just got say
what they gotta say before they forget it.
I do that same shit now.
You could be telling me
a cure for AIDS. I'll be like this,
"What?! All you go to do is...
"Wait, wait, wait.
They got greens on sale down the street."
"Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead."
I'm old, nigga.
I'll be working out to slow music.
Fuck all that fast shit.
It's about to burn, nigga. The slow burn.
You know you're old when
your favorite DJ start wearing glasses.
Like, look at Kid Capri
blind ass up there.
I can't chew and hear at the same time.
I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN.
I will miss valuable information.
I gotta stop chewing in order to hear.
"Who got murdered?
What the fuck they talking about?"
My vintage bitch
be sitting there eating oatmeal.
"If you ate oatmeal,
you'd know who got murdered now."
Motherfucker always got one
up on me, doesn't she?
I can't fuck on a full stomach.
Too old for that shit.
I ain't doing that shit no more.
"We gonna fuck before we eat.
I'ma feed you.
You just gotta trust me.
You want me to sign something,
I'll sign something.
But we're fucking first."
I'm sick of going to eat, coming back
trying to fuck all bloated and shit.
Here come your big ass
crawling on top of me.
And I got to breathe
like this so I don't throw up on your ass.
You ever catch the 'itus
and try to fuck, nigga, you be like...
Too old!
Too old to fuck with squirters.
You can handle this.
This grown talk we doing.
I don't fuck with
that squirt shit. That shit is silly.
That some young man shit. That's
silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly.
You don't even know
what that shit is, do you?
Well, don't come over to my house shooting
that shit all over the goddamn place.
You calm that pussy down.
That pussy don't know how to act, you
and that pussy get the fuck out my house.
Fucking my sheets up and shit.
You know long it take
a nigga my age to change sheets?
I gotta put this corner on
and come around here.
Put this corner on then that corner
to pop off then I gotta come back over.
Lay on the bed and hold
this part with my foot. Put this here,
then I realize I put the short side
on the long side of the bed.
Now I gotta lift all that shit up
with the pillows up and turn it around.
Bitch, you squirt in my bed,
I'll sling your ass smooth out my window.
Can't cum on my back like I used to.
So many testimonial cries in here tonight!
Can't cum on my back
like I used to. When I was young,
I lay on my back,
that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey.
Hey!
Ceiling fan going around,
I hit every blade on that motherfucker.
Not no more.
Now my shit is more like a fondue machine.
It just come up and over the sides.
It ain't just me.
There's some fondue niggas out here.
Any nigga hairline back here fondued out.
Any bald head nigga fondulicous nigga.
Women, you seen
the progression of that shit from you
when you was younger till now.
Back in the day, yous had to run
to catch that nut then, you'll be like...
Now, you just sit there and be patient.
Yo Brooklyn, I'm Deon Cole.
I wanna tell y'all something real quick.
When y'all come to these comedy shows,
and specials and shit like that,
man, do me a favor, y'all.
Give it and then what I'm about to say,
I ain't saying this for claps,
so I want you to hear me.
Give the comedian's love, y'all.
'Cause I'm a let you know something.
Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man.
We gotta put away
everything that's bothering us
in order to come make y'all happy
and we not complaining.
It's part of the job.
A boxer get hit,
so that's just the job and shit.
But you never understand
what the comic is going through.
He has to constantly be doing this shit
and being happy around everybody
when his whole fucking world
is caving the fuck in.
And y'all don't know that. That's a lot
of hurt motherfucking comics out there.
Me, personally? I'm coming
out here doing the special and shit but
this past year was hard for me, y'all.
I lost my aunty, two of my uncles,
my mother's best friend,
and I lost my moms. My mom,
is the only thing I have
'cause like, I'm the only child
and it's just her. I ain't have no father
and no brothers and sisters and shit.
It's just her, and I lost her.
And I lost her a year to this day.
She died last year this day.
And I said to myself,
"I want her name to ring
and I want her to be
out here and live through me."
But hold on.
That shit devastated me
and I've been fucked up ever since.
But when I come out here
and I get love from y'all, I'll be good.
But I know there's other people out there
going through the same thing, man.
They told me there's
a club called the 50 Club.
And motherfuckers close
to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents
'cause our parents
is like 70 and 80 and shit.
There's a lot of people going through the
same thing I'm going through right now.
I'm not normal,
motherfucker, I promise you.
And I'm trying
to live normal every fucking day.
I'm trying to find a new normal in this
fucking world. But when you got people
like that, and I know y'all out there,
I know you lost your parents,
and I'm here
to tell you, man, you ain't alone.
I'm here for you as long
as everybody else is too.
And anybody that you see
who lost their parents, you embrace them.
Go try and make them
still be normal as fuck, they're not.
They hurting, they crushed.
And they lost. Just like me.
So I dedicate this
to my mother, Charleen Cole.
I love you to death, Ma.
And thank y'all, Brooklyn,
I hope you had a wonderful time.
I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much.
And I thank y'all Brooklyn, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Subtitle translation by: Regina Njoku
I don't know why I was so thirsty.
But anyway, I feel comfortable now.
It feels real good in here. Yeah.
It's so good to see you, babe.
What are you...
Tell me, I've been thinking about it...
What are you doing with Netflix?
Is it gonna be like your...
Cole Blooded Seminar that you did?
Is it gonna be like
the Cole Blooded... you taught?
You know, you taught at your
Cole Blooded Seminar, you taught.
You took the people to school.
It's gonna be--
- You talked about peanut butter.
You talked about, relationships.
You talked about sex.
I'll get you on that one.
What else?
What's up, Brooklyn? How y'all feeling?
Thank you all for coming out, man.
I sure appreciate y'all for coming
out to this special and shit, man.
Good to see you. How're y'all
beautiful motherfucking faces tonight?
Give it up for yourselves, thank you.
I'ma tell you this much, though.
These young women
have been on my ass lately.
I ain't gonna even lie, look.
And I know they're young, too.
Because they're always
asking me for my Instagram
instead of my phone number and shit.
Yeah, that's young bitch game.
"Wanna go out?" "Yeah." "What's your IG?"
I'll be like, "Argh, young bitch! Shit."
Could it be some old
motherfucker's asking for my Instagram,
I'd be like, "Now, you know you're
too old to be asking for my Instagram.
Go get a pen."
"You know better,
motherfucker. Go get a pen.
Old bitch keep a pen, don't you?"
All this technology,
that motherfucker is still got that pen.
Phone right here in her hand.
I asked a woman one day,
I was like, "If you see an attractive man,
do you come on to him when you him?"
She was like, "No." I was like, "Really?"
I was asking another woman out.
I was like, "If you see an attractive guy,
do you say anything to him?"
She was like, "No.
If he don't say nothing to me,
then it really ain't going down."
I was like,
"That's some dumb ass shit, man.
Do you know how many potential soulmates,
husbands your goofy ass could have had,
if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked,
smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?"
You even ain't gotta look
at the man directly in his eye.
You can just look
at his way and he'll get it."
A woman look my way
too long, I'ma be like,
"I'ma go over there and
put this thang on that bitch, I promise."
I mean, you and I speaking.
And you women over 45,
let me tell you something.
You can't afford not to speak to anybody.
You need to be speaking
to everybody you see.
Every door you go through,
you need to be like, "Hey, y'all!
I'm Sheryl.
I brought potato salad."
Bitch, you need to boil potato salad
every goddamn door you go through,
because time ain't on your side.
Don't be mad at me.
This's God talking to you right now.
I'm just a vessel.
Damn, older women know that.
See, you gotta understand,
like, woman 50, 55 and up,
they understand you know that
the older you get, and everybody knows
this, men and women, the older you get,
you know, time becomes
the new currency. It really does.
Money, I'ma make that.
I'ma get that. But my time,
you fuck over my time,
motherfucker, we're gonna have a problem
because I can't get that back.
Goddamn it!
Motherfucker take me
to a fucked up movie, I'll be like,
"Bitch, I'ma need two hours about you."
Goddamn it. Older women know that, though.
They move as such too.
See, they don't ride
with a whole bunch of women and shit.
Like when they go out, they don't ride
with a whole bunch of women and shit
because it's too time-consuming, you know.
Waiting on three bitches to get ready,
you'll miss the show and shit.
Going out to eat, one bitch want taco,
one want a hotdog, one want a pizza...
you'll starve fucking with these hoes.
Old bitch will be like, "No, just send me
that address. I'll meet you out there."
"No, I'ma meet you all there.
Ain't you gonna be drinking and driving?"
"Yes I am, bitch."
Bitch ready to catch
a DUI than fuck with you, ho!
That's how serious this is.
Plus they drive by themselves
just in case it goes down that night.
They can dip off without
a whole bunch of judgement and shit.
Yeah.
- Yeah!
Without a whole bunch of
motherfuckers in their business and shit.
"Text me when you get in."
"Nah, I'll be alright, bitch.
I don't need to text you."
"I'm 50 for a reason, ho.
I've made it this far. I'ma be alright.
I don't need to start texting bitches,
letting them know I'm leaving."
Yeah.
Older women, lemme ask you something.
If you ever have be at a party,
and you see a young girl there
and that motherfucker be dropping
that motherfucker down to the ground,
do you be jealous of her knees?
Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do.
Young bitch sweeping
the floor with her ass.
You can't go no lower than this.
All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here.
Bust out Tina Turner shit all there.
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it!
Some of y'all sex toys
are older than your kids.
Got that same rabbit tongue...
wand... bullet...
It ain't even a bullet
no more. It's a slingshot, shit.
Upgrade your shit. There's some
new shit out there right now called,
Tracy's Dog.
Our little
testimonial holler is right there.
Shando!
Let them use you, sister! Go ahead.
Tracy's Dog, this
motherfucker is serious, you hear me?
It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, y'all.
My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep
that motherfucker in the house
because I ain't getting
any shit done with it in there, alright?
Can't get shit done
with that motherfucker in there.
This motherfucker
is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?"
And this is like this
U-shaped device, right? This part goes in,
it's vibrating and it curves
around to the top. And on top,
there's this sucking mechanism
that goes right on the clit.
All it does is just sucks.
Ten speeds
of sucking on this motherfucker.
This bitch will collapse
your forehead, I promise you.
It's serious. Now go ahead.
Put it in your phone. Go ahead.
No, go ahead before you forget it
and shit. Put it in your god...
Don't worry about who's looking at you.
Put it in your phone.
You old women, put it...
you know your mind ain't...
doing like it used to be. Go ahead,
put it in your phone before you forget it.
Sitting there trying
to remember that shit.
"Ha ha ha, he's so silly.
Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."
"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog...
"Okay, I know a bitch, she's named Tracy.
She got a dog. Tracy's dog.
You know, Tracy's... Tracy's dog."
You out there with your man. Your man's
like, "You don't need that shit."
"You're right, Daddy."
"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."
Older men change too.
It ain't just women. Men change too.
We get old and shit.
Like, we can't fuck the same.
No, not at all. The older we get,
now, we can't fuck the same.
Shit, sometimes, niggas don't even be
thinking about fucking like that, though.
For real, though. Just imagine
doing this for 50 years. Just...
50 years, just...
Picking up all different sizes of bitches.
50 fucking years, just...
Niggas get tired of that shit!
50 years of that shit, no.
Niggas can't be thinking about fucking
all the time. Not successful men.
No. Successful older men
won't be thinking about fucking.
We'll be having other shit
on our minds like taxes and,
"When are the kids moving out?" Payroll...
Motherfuckers depend on us.
We got payroll.
We ain't got time to be cuddling
with your ass all the goddamn time.
And then we are cuddling
with you, we ain't thinking about you.
You know what we're thinking about?
When I'm gonna get
the feeling back in my goddamn arm?
From your big ass
laying on it for two hours.
If I wanna grab a titty, I can't feel it.
Got no time to be cuddling with you,
motherfucker I got payroll in the morning.
"Grab that goddamn pen
and help me crunch these numbers, bitch."
This is what older successful men do
when it comes to our wives,
girlfriends, fiances and shit.
We fuck to keep you.
That's the realest shit you gonna hear.
"Not my man." Especially your man, bitch.
Whoever the fuck just thought that.
We fuck to keep you and that's it.
Your man could be sitting on the couch
at home, one sock on, one sock off...
Holes all in his underwear...
Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt...
He just ate three sandwiches.
You can tell from
the bread crust on his plate.
Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen
and making a fourth sandwich.
And you come down the steps looking
good to the motherfucker, he's like,
"Where are you going?"
"I told you it was
April's birthday. We're going out."
"We're gonna get something to eat,
and after we get something to eat,
we'll go get some drinks, so...
you ain't gotta wait up."
"Let me put a little dick in you
before you get on outta here."
He didn't want to fuck. He had to fuck.
Looking too good.
You gotta put that dick in there.
You ain't even thinking about no pussy.
He was going to make another sandwich.
Wasn't thinking about no goddamn pussy.
You gotta put that dick
in her before she go out.
Man, before somebody else
offer her some dick.
See, one thing a lot of women don't do,
they don't do two dicks in one day. That
kinda fucks with their psyche and shit.
Yeah. They don't do two in one day.
So you gotta be the first one in there.
You gotta get in there first.
If she goes out and another nigga offers
some dick, she's gonna be like, "Oh!
Damn, why did I let
that other nigga fuck me earlier?!
Should have listened to my spirit."
Fellas, your girl ever come home
from out kicking it all night
and she goes straight to bed
and you'll be like this,
"Hey, baby. I've been up waiting
on you and shit. I know you had
a good time tonight but come on.
Hey, I know you're ready." She'll be like,
"Look, just let me go to sleep, please."
If that happened, you're number two.
See how the laughter died down?
Men, in here like, "Ha ha ha...
That bitch did that shit Thursday night."
There's a certain age, a man should be
where he should
no longer be considered a gentleman.
Like a motherfucker being 80 years old...
He shouldn't be considered a gentleman,
you shouldn't even look
at him to be a gentleman.
Motherfucker's 80.
But women don't give a fuck.
As long as somebody's
doing something for your monkey ass,
that's all you care about.
That's damn true.
I'm at the airport and shit,
this little young chick
she gets to the door,
she waiting on somebody to open it,
I'm about 30 feet away, I'm like,
"Nigga, I ain't about to go
over there and open that door."
But here comes
this old teskyer man nigga like,
Young bitch go through the door,
the door slid his ass on.
Like, "You seen I'm struggling, bitch."
This woman gets on
the plane with her luggage and shit.
She like,
"Ugh! I can't pick it up."
You knew you couldn't pick
that motherfucker up
when you packed
all them goddamn sweaters and shit.
But you ain't give a fuck 'cause you
thought some man gonna come along and...
And sure enough, here come
this old civil rights nigga like...
We had to grab that nigga like,
"Champ! Sit down, champ.
We'll get it. We'll get it, champ.
We'll get it, champ."
You gotta call them old niggas champ
to make them feel like they still got it.
It's all good, champ.
You woulda got that shit up there
if that bitch didn't pack up
all them sequined sweaters and shit.
Those sequins get heavy
when they're in bulk like that, champ.
I would not be a gentleman
for you until I get to know you.
Point blank. Period.
'Cause you don't even know what the
fuck you want, as a collective. You don't.
Some women, you open the door for them,
they'll be like, "Thank you so much."
Some women be like, "I can open the door!"
You'll be like, "Bitch,
go open the goddamn door!"
Scaring me and shit.
Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on
what they're do and don't do for them
before you even know who we are!
Cold game y'all been running it for years.
Gentlemen shit. Well, hell,
there ain't no gentlewomen shit to do.
Name some gentlewomen shit. Right.
Here's some gentlewomen shit y'all can do.
Just go to a random motherfucker
and moisturize his hands.
Yeah, that'll work.
Nigga talking,
"Yeah, I told that nigga last night..."
"Well, that's mighty sweet of you,
Ma'am. Thank you very much."
Looking at the motherfucker, he like...
"Aha!"
Gentlemen shit. What?!
I gotta open the door for you,
pull your chair out.
If it's cold outside, I gotta take
my jacket off and put it on you
but I saw the weather and I knew
it was 40 motherfucking degrees.
So I brought a jacket.
So now I gotta catch pneumonia
'cause your goofy ass
won't watch the weather.
I commend all you young folks
out here to taking a stance in life
on all kinds of shit
like Black Lives Matter.
Gay, trans, bi and all that shit.
I commend y'all, man.
It was instilled
in our minds back in the day like,
if you was gay or something like that,
they'd beat your ass and shit if
that shit was, if you was gay or whatever.
There's a lot of people my age
right now ain't living their truth
because of the way that we was
fucking raised and shit. Right now.
Real shit.
Wasn't nobody gay in my class.
Wasn't nobody gay in my school.
Wasn't nobody gay in my school district.
Not that I know of.
Yeah, wasn't nobody,
like, hanging out like that.
Man, the motherfuckers was
like homophobic as fuck back in the day.
I remember my mother took me
to one of my uncle's houses
to stay over there for the summer.
This nigga was homophobic as fuck.
Had all these rules and shit. We get
over there, this motherfucker's like,
"Yeah, uh,
first of all, I got some rules and shit
if you gonna stay here,
you understand me? First of all,
if you see something in my hair,
you leave it there, motherfucker, alright?
Don't no man pick shit out of
another man's hair, you understand me?
There's a feather in there, you leave
that motherfucking feather in there.
There could be a whole bird in my shit,
you leave it in there, motherfucker.
If there's something in my eye, nigga,
you fix your lips to blow on my eye,
I'll rip your motherfucking mouth off.
Don't no man blow on another man's eye.
You let that motherfucker
bleed to death, you understand me?
If I catch you on your tippy-toes,
I'm kicking you and your nuts.
If you can't reach some shit, you get
a broom or shoe trying to knock it down.
If it don't fall,
it ain't meant for you, nigga.
But I catch you on your tippy-toes,
I'll fuck you up, you understand that?
You put cologne on in this house, nigga,
you spray that shit dead on your clothes.
If you spray that shit in the air
and walk through, nigga, I'll fuck you up.
"Nigga, if I see this shit...
I'll beat your ass, you understand me?
And all the food you eat in this house
better be solid as a rock, motherfucker.
Don't you eat shit
that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker.
Ain't no Twinkies,
jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs,
Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls
and it burst all in your mouth.
You keep your cold, nigga!"
Look, I'm nine years old,
like, "Argh..."
All I'm saying to the younger generation
is, "Be patient with us,
being patient with you."
Alright?
'Cause I can only fathom
what a motherfucker go through
not living their truth and shit, you know.
Being something
that they're not, you know.
I can, I mean, I sympathize
with people like that, you know.
I remember one time, I read
an article about me. That shit said,
"Deon Cole is gay."
I was like, "What?!"
It didn't say, "Is he gay?"
"Deon Cole is gay,"
like they had facts on this shit.
Hey, motherfucker,
I ain't never been gay, goddamn it.
Closest I came to being gay
was fucking a tomboy.
That was my nigga.
That bitch was cold on the court, nigga.
That bitch was at a crossover...
crossing over niggas, nigga.
Breaking niggas ankles out there, nigga.
I had to let her go though,
'cause every time we had sex
she would put her arms under
my arms and grab me and do this shit.
"Look, get your arms
from under my arms, bitch.
"That's some disrespectful shit."
Slide that shit under
then grab me like, "Yeah, nigga."
What the fuck is you doing?
Get your arms from me.
I like to take pictures
of fucked up shit I see,
save it on my phone
and use it for lies later on.
If I had a girl and I was out all night,
she be like, "Where the fuck you at?"
Send her a picture of a helicopter crash.
"As soon as they clean this shit up, baby,
I'm on my way home."
Men out there like, "Ha ha..."
"Makes sense to me!"
There, anything fucked up. Take
a picture of it. You could use that shit.
You see somebody fighting, film that shit.
You could easily be like, "Man,
that's my boy. I gotta go help him there."
I'm telling you this shit works, nigga.
Dead animals, take a picture
of them. Anything fucked up.
Oh, here's the good one.
If you see an abandoned car
on the side of the road
take a picture of that motherfucker there.
You could leave
in the middle of the night on those.
Yeah, you get up, get dressed
at midnight. Your girl like,
"Where the fuck you going?"
Be like, "To get my boy a jump."
"He'd been out there
for three days. I gotta go help him."
"Why is it daylight
in the picture, nigga?"
"God works in mysterious ways, bitch."
How many fellas out here
with a thick woman with him tonight?
Make some noise. Where you at?
Should be a few more of y'all clapping.
You know I can see you, right?
Let me ask one more time
before I start point niggas out.
How many in here with a thick one tonight?
Make some noise.
Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then.
Did you clap? Okay.
I'm making sure you clapped.
There we go, alright.
Nigga all under the seat with it.
You ever take a thick woman to the 'hood?
That shit's stressful than a motherfucker.
Them 'hood niggas
don't give a fuck you're with her,
they'll be circling
that motherfucker like...
I'd be standing there
like I don't see none of that shit.
I ain't getting shot
over this motherfucker, nigga.
Putting their dick all on her thighs shit.
"You're just gonna
let them do that to me?!"
"Let me take this call,
I'll be right back."
Um, I don't think I'm where I need
to be at in my career and shit, you know.
I think I'm almost there but
I ain't really there and shit, you know.
I can tell I'm not there because,
I still got a flyer guy.
I think if you still got
a motherfucker making flyers for you
you ain't really where you,
where you really wanna be at in life.
Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can
post they're shit, one time. "World Tour.
Our latest sellout." Me?
I gotta make individual flyers
for every city I go to.
And try to appease to them, you know?
"Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque.
Check this slab out tonight
at the Comedy Club."
Men's some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are.
You know what we do when we go pee?
Any toilet we see, we get to it.
If there's something
on the inside rim of that toilet,
we gotta piss it off.
It's gotta happen.
It turn into a game instantly.
I don't give a fuck
what it is, gum, toilet paper...
It could be somebody
else's shit. We don't care.
Soon as we see it, we be like, "Oh!"
We don't move, nigga. We froze
right on that spot, pissing.
When you run out of piss,
you be mad as shit, like,
"No, no! Argh!
Ah, I lost."
Let me go get another beer.
Who in here used to be racist?
Niggas in here like, "Used to be?!
Still is, nigga!"
You know what
some racist shit is in hotels?
Overhead showers.
You ever check into a hotel, they got that
motherfucker come out the ceiling down?
That's some racist shit.
Yeah, they ain't thinking about niggas.
Nah, they're not.
They thinking about white folks.
When I see shit like that,
that let me know
ain't no Black people
on the board over there.
If there was, there'd be
one nigga like, "Hell no.
This shit here coming straight from
the ceiling, we niggas don't want that.
Water hit our hair first
then the rest of us? No!"
White folks like that.
That make them feel like they're in a,
rainfall or some waterfall.
Nah. Niggas want that spout out the wall
where the water descend down and we can
decide how much water we want on our hair
if any. If any.
You go straight out the ceiling shit.
Now you got motherfuckers
washing up like this in that motherfucker.
This white woman called me a nylph.
I was like, "Bitch,
I ain't never be your neighbor."
I got no money living next door to me...
You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma'am?
Excuse me, white lady,
you was thinking "neighbor"?
Would you like to answer
the question or get fucked up?
You wanna answer the question
or get fucked up tonight, which one?
You gonna answer the question? Answer!
Neighbor? Alright.
There we go. Appreciate that.
She's still racist too.
You ain't Black to me
unless you got a case
of water on the floor at home.
That's how I test niggas' Blackness
when I get to their house.
I walk around
with my hands behind my back.
Can I see your pantry please?
Or laundry room.
They're the same, I think.
That case of water
be dusty than a motherfucker.
Niggas never drink that water, boy.
They use it as a stepladder now and shit.
Listen up, white folks.
If you go to a Black person's house,
and use their bathroom,
and in that bathroom, you see some
clean, crispy white towels hanging up...
You better not touch them motherfucker.
Them for show.
You use your clothes like everybody else.
Tonight, fellas, when you go home
to your girl, y'all about to get it in
and get it popping and shit like that,
she wanna get all the way naked,
don't let her get naked. No.
This could be your wife or whoever,
don't let her get all in there.
Tell her to keep them panties on, yes.
Something about a pair of panties on,
man, make you feel like uh,
you ain't supposed to be doing this.
Like you ain't got enough time.
Yeah, tell her
to keep them panties on, goddamn it.
Just hook the motherfucker to the side.
A nice "hookening" just...
Yeah.
Catch her at night while she brushing
her teeth by the sink, you know,
before she go to bed.
That's if y'all brush your teeth at night.
Aw, don't do that. Don't do that.
There's a whole bunch of you
goodnight hoes in here right now.
Wrap your hair up, "Goodnight!"
Ain't brush shit
but your edges, motherfucker.
She brushing her teeth, come behind her,
nigga, smack her on that ass and shit,
she be like, "What you doing?"
Hook the motherfucker over here,
slide in the motherfucker. Yeah.
Now the elastic from them panties
gonna eat that dick up on the left side.
Oh yeah, it's gonna chafe
the shit out of that dick
but keep going, nigga, you a soldier, go.
Go! No burn, no earn, nigga, roll!
I got some jokes
I'm gonna read for y'all real quick.
Hopefully, y'all like 'em. If y'all don't,
I'll never see y'all again and all...
You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods?
Anytime I do, I always go up to her and
be like, "Today must be your first day."
When you're
in a grocery store checkout line,
whose job is it
to put the grocery divider down?
Is it the person that's standing there,
or the person that walks up
because this is a very stressful moment.
Go.
The person standing there.
Yeah, fuck that!
Why fucking would I put
the divider down and probably
ain't nobody even behind me?
It should be the job
of the person that walks up to put
the divider down to buy their groceries.
I'm in line, this white dude
come behind me like, "Ugh!"
I'm like, "Wait a minute, white nigga,
I ain't know that was
my job to put that down."
Come over here
stressing me out, white nigga.
You ever curse when you pray?
Y'all some bourgeois motherfuckers.
"Lord, keep these hating
assholes off of a bitch, God.
Don't wanna see a bitch be great, God."
You ever asked God to hurt somebody?
"Lord, please kill my supervisor.
"I'll glorify your name forevermore.
Shaloh!"
You ever be wearing some pants,
go home take them off?
Next day, you wake up, you be like,
"Shit. Didn't nobody see that outfit?"
So you put them same pants on.
You just going on with your day.
About an hour later,
you notice a big knot in your pants,
and it's your drawers from yesterday?
"My good drawers, too.
I can't throw these away."
I just push them up
by my dick until I get home.
White people don't laugh at that joke
'cause they wear their shit
five days any goddamn week.
Why do you guys do that?
I only call white people "guys" 'cause
it makes them feel comfortable and shit.
Y'all niggas do it too at work.
Put on your white voice and shit.
"Hey guys, we're going to lunch."
"You're buying?" "Thanks, guys."
I never call Black people "guys."
Never call niggas "guys."
Like, "Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?"
"Who the fuck you calling guys, nigga?
Get your moist ass
outa here, motherfucker."
Is it racist to say, "No way, Jose"?
'Cause that's my shit. I love saying it.
Let's find out. Hold on. Where
the Hispanic people at? Make some noise.
Hey! I can say that shit, right?
- Yeah!
See, this is how you learn,
motherfucker. Ask questions.
Yeah. Goddamn it.
Can white people say it?
- No!
Sorry, guys.
They'll fuck you up. Don't say it, guys.
Refrain.
Do vegan women swallow?
'Cause it's life so...
I don't know. I don't fucking know.
Protein?
It's protein. Men be running
that game a long time.
"Hey, bitch, get over here
and get this protein in your life.
Looking a little flimsy on that couch."
Some more testimonial chuckles over here.
Late, late, late at night,
right before you go to bed,
you had some nasty sex.
I'm talking about nasty, like,
you gotta kill this bitch
after y'all done.
She got secrets on you now.
Nasty.
I'm talking about sucking
and licking and cum shots
to the face and riding a man's face raw,
moustache all white, just...
nasty.
And right before you go to bed,
do you say your prayers?
I do.
I had a whole day
that happened before that episode
that I gotta give God the glory for.
So yes, I say my prayers.
I be on my knees butt-ass naked,
glistening.
Lips stuck together.
"Heavenly Father,
we thank you for this wonderful day
that you created, Lord.
Without Your grace and mercy,
I don't know where I'll be, Lord."
Oh my God!
I was having sex
with this girl and she screamed out,
"Deeper!" And I said, "Tighter!" And then,
and then we both sat there, depressed,
because we knew
we weren't gonna get what we wanted.
Oh, man.
Here's a fun fact,
pretty women are never in the way.
Pretty women are never in the way.
They're not.
"Oh, excuse me."
"Nah, you're straight. You're good."
"No, don't worry about him. He bleeds
in the neck all the goddamn time.
You good. Stay where you are. That's it."
My taste in women changed a lot, you know.
The type of women
I'm into right now is, lonely women.
Lonely. Like, lonely.
Like, she gotta use
her hanger to zip up her dresses.
See how there wasn't
a lot of laughter there just then?
A lot of women
evaluating their lives right now.
Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn't it?
Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was
talking about
the fat bitch and old fools, right?
Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up.
"Ha ha ha.
Fat bitch. Ha ha ha."
Lonely bitch.
You better smile. Everybody
gonna know you're the lonely bitch.
Smile.
Lonely.
Motherfucker got
a closet full of sundresses.
Hard to fuck with them zippers.
Look at all the lonely motherfuckers.
I'm gonna keep talking
about it until you smile.
Lonely.
Bitch ain't even got a shadow.
Shadow-less bitches. That's what I like.
Lonely.
Motherfucker ain't never been
in the carpool lane.
"Why they going so fast over there?"
You gotta know
somebody to be in that lane.
You will forever be in traffic.
Don't get in your emotions,
this is still jokes.
Stay with me, motherfucker.
I like older women.
Nice little vintage piece, you dig?
Yeah. Gotta have
a nice vintage piece in your life.
Keep everything all civilized,
you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece.
I love me a woman
with more yesterdays than tomorrows.
Say it again for the people on top.
I love a motherfucker
with more yesterdays than tomorrows!
Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig?
Nice nurturing motherfucker.
Yes.
Treat you so good,
you understand why her son won't leave.
Motherfucker 38, still at home.
He moved his girlfriend in.
All her money be warm.
"Go get me some bread."
Hmmm!
Every time we get in her old ass car,
it takes us 15 minutes to pull off.
Now she gotta find
the right CD to play in her book of CDs.
"This ain't it. Hand me
that red book down there. This ain't it.
The one that say "nephew." Give me that.
Now where's my Sounds of Blackness?"
She always making me feel sick.
Be coming to my house,
"Ooh, it's hot in here!"
What you got the heat on?"
"The air's on 65."
"No, it ain't! You must be sick!
Go in there and take some Theraflu."
Three p.m. nigga,
I'm drowsy than a motherfucker.
Fucking with
this motherfucker on her hot flashes.
Motherfucker has seven fan chains on.
Everywhere we go, I gotta get
this bitch a cup of crushed ice.
Y'all sleep with an older woman?
Whoop! They'll wear your ass out, boy.
An older woman? Aw, nigga, their...
A hole will outlast
a pole on them motherfuckers.
They'll wear your ass out, nigga.
If they don't catch no cramp,
shit.
Wear your ass out.
Fuck your ass into slave sleep.
You ever have slave sleep, nigga?
It's an inch from death, nigga. You be...
Cotton field sleep, nigga, that...
Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep.
Now when you have sex with an older woman,
they don't be making
a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah.
They just give you encouragement.
"Go ahead in there, baby.
Go ahead. Get in there.
No, go ahead. This ain't my first rodeo.
You ain't gotta be shy.
Go ahead. Push it on in there.
Push it. There you go! There he is!
I knew he's show up. There he is!
Go on ahead, baby. Put that back,
where I had that leg. Put that back.
Put it back. There you go now. Go on,
big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go.
Alright now, get off
them knees. Get off them knees."
What she want me off my knees for?
I keep all my vintage women the same.
I keep them all farsighted.
They can see for miles
and miles and miles.
But when we in bed
together, shoulder to shoulder,
and I'm texting hella hoes...
she can't see none of that shit.
And I keep my fonts real small.
My screen black as night.
She be trying to see, though.
That motherfucker be like...
Don't strain your brain, bitch.
You know you can't see this shit.
But when she put on them readers,
them Walgreen Number Threes,
the one with the chain
on the back of them motherfuckers?
That bitch could see through
my sim card wearing them motherfuckers.
Put my phone under the mattress, nigga.
I keep a young piece too, you dig.
Yeah, it's all about balance,
you know what I'm talking about. Yeah.
All about balance. That's what it is.
She keep me vibrant.
Keep me on my toes and shit, you know.
Always show me the cool little
TikTok videos and shit.
We busting up together and shit.
I be like, "Ha ha ha, send me that."
That make her happy
when I tell her, "Send me that."
That mean the video hot.
She be like, "Oh, let me send it to you."
She'd be playing me all
the new music out and shit.
And I be blowing her mind 'cause
I tell her where all her
original samples come from and songs.
I be like, "You know,
Curtis Mayville made that, right?"
Like, "What?!"
I keep all my young pieces the same too.
None of them can read cursive.
You know they don't teach
penmanship in college, right?
It's all typity-type type type.
Yeah, they don't know
how to read cursive, motherfucker.
Cursive is the new pig Latin, nigga.
They can't read that shit.
Show a young person the big S in cursive.
They don't know what it is.
They'd be like, "What's that?
The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?"
They don't know.
I'd be writing love letters to my vintage
bitch in front of my little young piece.
She don't know
what the fuck going on there.
She be trying to follow my pen and shit.
Mail it.
Getting old is the goal.
Know that getting old, is the goal.
You want to be
at a certain age in your life, man.
You wanna get there and shit.
Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit.
You wanna be there like,
it's a sexy place to be, goddamn it.
I promise you that, boy. For real.
There's a
I-don't-give-a-fuckness that just,
drench your mind, body and soul.
Unlike you ever been before.
There's a selfishness too
that you love and embrace,
goddamn it. You don't care about shit.
Not even your kids.
You're like, "I did the best
I could do. Y'all get the fuck out."
If you got a kid over the age of 19, you
got the right to say you don't have kids.
Next time you go out, ladies, and the
motherfucker like, "How many kids you got?
You like, "None. What we drinking?"
I be asking women.
I be like, "You got any grownups?"
You know, I'm old and I embrace that shit,
goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it.
I'm at that age now where as soon
as I get somewhere, I'm ready to go.
I don't give a fuck
how long it took me to get ready.
I don't care how long
it took me to get there.
I go on that bitch and spin around.
Alright.
I used to think old people were rude.
They always cut your off
when you're talking.
But that ain't the case. They just got say
what they gotta say before they forget it.
I do that same shit now.
You could be telling me
a cure for AIDS. I'll be like this,
"What?! All you go to do is...
"Wait, wait, wait.
They got greens on sale down the street."
"Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead."
I'm old, nigga.
I'll be working out to slow music.
Fuck all that fast shit.
It's about to burn, nigga. The slow burn.
You know you're old when
your favorite DJ start wearing glasses.
Like, look at Kid Capri
blind ass up there.
I can't chew and hear at the same time.
I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN.
I will miss valuable information.
I gotta stop chewing in order to hear.
"Who got murdered?
What the fuck they talking about?"
My vintage bitch
be sitting there eating oatmeal.
"If you ate oatmeal,
you'd know who got murdered now."
Motherfucker always got one
up on me, doesn't she?
I can't fuck on a full stomach.
Too old for that shit.
I ain't doing that shit no more.
"We gonna fuck before we eat.
I'ma feed you.
You just gotta trust me.
You want me to sign something,
I'll sign something.
But we're fucking first."
I'm sick of going to eat, coming back
trying to fuck all bloated and shit.
Here come your big ass
crawling on top of me.
And I got to breathe
like this so I don't throw up on your ass.
You ever catch the 'itus
and try to fuck, nigga, you be like...
Too old!
Too old to fuck with squirters.
You can handle this.
This grown talk we doing.
I don't fuck with
that squirt shit. That shit is silly.
That some young man shit. That's
silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly.
You don't even know
what that shit is, do you?
Well, don't come over to my house shooting
that shit all over the goddamn place.
You calm that pussy down.
That pussy don't know how to act, you
and that pussy get the fuck out my house.
Fucking my sheets up and shit.
You know long it take
a nigga my age to change sheets?
I gotta put this corner on
and come around here.
Put this corner on then that corner
to pop off then I gotta come back over.
Lay on the bed and hold
this part with my foot. Put this here,
then I realize I put the short side
on the long side of the bed.
Now I gotta lift all that shit up
with the pillows up and turn it around.
Bitch, you squirt in my bed,
I'll sling your ass smooth out my window.
Can't cum on my back like I used to.
So many testimonial cries in here tonight!
Can't cum on my back
like I used to. When I was young,
I lay on my back,
that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey.
Hey!
Ceiling fan going around,
I hit every blade on that motherfucker.
Not no more.
Now my shit is more like a fondue machine.
It just come up and over the sides.
It ain't just me.
There's some fondue niggas out here.
Any nigga hairline back here fondued out.
Any bald head nigga fondulicous nigga.
Women, you seen
the progression of that shit from you
when you was younger till now.
Back in the day, yous had to run
to catch that nut then, you'll be like...
Now, you just sit there and be patient.
Yo Brooklyn, I'm Deon Cole.
I wanna tell y'all something real quick.
When y'all come to these comedy shows,
and specials and shit like that,
man, do me a favor, y'all.
Give it and then what I'm about to say,
I ain't saying this for claps,
so I want you to hear me.
Give the comedian's love, y'all.
'Cause I'm a let you know something.
Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man.
We gotta put away
everything that's bothering us
in order to come make y'all happy
and we not complaining.
It's part of the job.
A boxer get hit,
so that's just the job and shit.
But you never understand
what the comic is going through.
He has to constantly be doing this shit
and being happy around everybody
when his whole fucking world
is caving the fuck in.
And y'all don't know that. That's a lot
of hurt motherfucking comics out there.
Me, personally? I'm coming
out here doing the special and shit but
this past year was hard for me, y'all.
I lost my aunty, two of my uncles,
my mother's best friend,
and I lost my moms. My mom,
is the only thing I have
'cause like, I'm the only child
and it's just her. I ain't have no father
and no brothers and sisters and shit.
It's just her, and I lost her.
And I lost her a year to this day.
She died last year this day.
And I said to myself,
"I want her name to ring
and I want her to be
out here and live through me."
But hold on.
That shit devastated me
and I've been fucked up ever since.
But when I come out here
and I get love from y'all, I'll be good.
But I know there's other people out there
going through the same thing, man.
They told me there's
a club called the 50 Club.
And motherfuckers close
to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents
'cause our parents
is like 70 and 80 and shit.
There's a lot of people going through the
same thing I'm going through right now.
I'm not normal,
motherfucker, I promise you.
And I'm trying
to live normal every fucking day.
I'm trying to find a new normal in this
fucking world. But when you got people
like that, and I know y'all out there,
I know you lost your parents,
and I'm here
to tell you, man, you ain't alone.
I'm here for you as long
as everybody else is too.
And anybody that you see
who lost their parents, you embrace them.
Go try and make them
still be normal as fuck, they're not.
They hurting, they crushed.
And they lost. Just like me.
So I dedicate this
to my mother, Charleen Cole.
I love you to death, Ma.
And thank y'all, Brooklyn,
I hope you had a wonderful time.
I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much.
And I thank y'all Brooklyn, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Subtitle translation by: Regina Njoku