Deon Cole: Cole Blooded Seminar (2016) Movie Script
Hey, y'all,
order me a turkey burger.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Live from
the historic Lincoln Theatre,
near Capitol Hill
in Washington, D.C.,
we are proud to present...
Deon Cole.
What's up, D.C.?
How y'all doing?
Make some noise!
Yes!
I feel the love!
Thank you!
Whoo!
Thank you so much for coming
to my seminar this evening.
That's what this about to be--
it's about to be a seminar.
White people, I'ma say a lot
of stuff you're not gonna like,
but just sit there
and take that shit, all right?
And women,
I'ma say a lot of stuff
you not gonna like,
but I promise you,
if you take heed into the shit
I say this evening,
when you leave here,
you gonna be a better bitch.
I promise you.
Now, you not gonna laugh
at everything that I say,
and I'm cool with that.
'Cause when you ain't laughing,
that mean you
evaluating your life.
And if I can just touch one,
I've done my job this evening.
I had to come out here in D.C.
and get it popping, baby.
That's right.
I had to, man, 'cause it's
Obama's last year in office,
and I just wanted
to come to Capitol Hill
and be close to some
historic shit, you know?
And plus, we ain't gonna see
another black president forever.
No, that's-- that's over with.
Don't even-- no,
that ain't never
gonna happen again.
All them back-to-back
black t-shirts you made,
you might as well
burn them motherfuckers.
You're not gonna see Obama
leaning against some other
black dude back like...
That ain't happening.
Plus, I wanted to come out here
'cause D.C. got so many
thick-ass women.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Y'all got some thick women here.
And it's not-- it's not
that ordinary thick.
It's like unusually thick,
like a concerned thick.
I was walking around today.
Saw this girl, thickest--
thicker than a motherfucker,
thicker than cold peanut butter.
I'ma let that marinate
for a minute.
Cold peanut butter
thick as hell.
You ever try to spread
cold peanut butter?
You'll tear your bread up.
You're like "!
"Damn.
Give me another slice."
I better not see none
of you women stealing my joke
and putting it
on Instagram, neither.
Be a picture of you like this
with "cold peanut butter"
at the top of it--
#peanutbutter.
Some cold peanut butter's
here tonight.
Some nice little
cold peanut butter right there.
I like that, yeah.
Nice-- nice little
room-temperature peanut butter
right here.
Hey,
freezer peanut butter
right here.
I fucks with
some freezer peanut butter.
That shit'll break your knife.
Man, I just got back up here.
I got up here from
Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Did a show down there--
yeah, whatever the fuck ever.
Did not know that
that was a retirement city.
Everybody on my flight
was 80 and up.
Took me an hour
to get to my seat,
'cause couldn't none
of these old motherfuckers
get they luggage
up in the top bin.
I had to help
the whole fucking plane out.
I'm like,
"I got it. Move.
"Just sit down.
I got it.
"Move. I got it.
Sit down 'fore you fall.
"I got it.
I don't know
where your hatbox is."
I'm like, "Who the hell packs
a hatbox?"
I'm like, "Where's all these
old motherfuckers going to?"
I had to look
at my ticket again.
I'm like,
"Where we going, to heaven?
"I hope we ain't
going to heaven.
I got shit to do.
I can't be..."
And there was a middle seat
open next to me.
I ain't want none
of them sitting there
talking to me
the whole damn flight,
so I had to turn
my blackness up.
Yeah, white people,
that's something we do.
It's called managing
your blackness.
See, white people,
y'all can be white all day long.
Black people can't be black
all day long.
Society don't play that.
It's messed up,
but we have to choose
throughout our day
when to be black
and when not to be.
It's crazy.
That black dude you work with?
That ain't how he really act.
That is not the real James.
You go to a job interview,
you cut that black shit off.
You go in there like, "Yes,
it behooves me to..."
I don't even know
what the hell "behoove" means,
but it feel like it go there,
you know?
So I ain't want none of them
sitting next to me.
So I reached in my bag,
pulled my baseball cap,
put it on sideways,
put my sunglasses on,
put my headphones on,
turned that shit up real loud.
I was like, "Kill these niggas,
"all these niggas.
Kill these niggas."
Didn't nobody sit next to me.
They were sitting on
each other laps
before they came to this seat.
Soon as they closed the door
and locked it,
I was like, "Hoo,"
took all that bullshit off
and pulled my Sudoku book out,
and was like...
Got to manage your blackness.
I remember another time
I had to manage my blackness.
I was in Hollywood
leaving a show,
and it was 2:00 in the morning.
Everything close at 2:00
in the morning out there.
And I wanted to get
something to eat,
and I knew the grocery store
around my neighborhood
stayed open 24 hours.
So I was like, you know,
"I'll go there," you know?
And I-- and I live in
an all-white neighborhood--
like all white--
like all white.
Like, if I see
another black dude
in my neighborhood,
I'll call the police.
'Cause I want to know what
that nigga doing over there.
And I know he ain't coming
to visit me,
'cause that's why I moved
over there,
to get away from niggas.
Some of y'all did it too.
Don't be staring at me
like that's fucked up.
It feel good to live
around the white people
that just believe--
just believe in
the neighborhood, you know?
Like, true story, I was walking
down the street one day,
and I saw on this tree,
there was a picture--
a reward poster
for a missing bird.
Some white bitch lost her bird
and thought,
throughout all this open air,
space, trees, and clouds--
she thought her bird was still
gonna be in the community.
She believed that.
She made a flier,
as if I was gonna be
walking down the street like,
"Damn,
"there go that bitch bird.
"I'm gonna get
this reward money up out of her.
"I can't believe he stayed
in the community like that.
This one good goddamn
bird right here."
Man, I wrote on that poster,
"Bitch, your bird is gone.
Get a goldfish, ho."
2:30 in the morning, I'm finally
around my neighborhood.
I'm sitting at the light.
This white woman
pull on the side of me.
Light turned green.
She take off. I take off.
She make a right.
I make a right.
Then she make a left.
I make a left.
Then she pulled into
the parking garage
of the grocery store.
That's where I was going.
She parked.
I parked right next to her.
She got out and was
walking to the store.
I was walking right behind her.
It was chilly out,
so I had my hoodie on.
All of a sudden, she seen me
and grabbed her purse,
and was like,
"What do you want?"
I was like, "Snacks, bitch.
"Fuck is wrong with you?
Nobody trying to rob you
in your Toyota Tercel, bitch."
I can't believe she thought
I was trying to do something
to her.
I was like, "You know what?
"I ain't about to let her
live this down.
I'm 'bout to terrorize
this bitch."
So like, every aisle
she shopped in,
I would walk at the end
of the aisle like this.
She'll take some cereal
off the shelf,
my face would be
behind the cereal, like...
I was like, "Let me leave
this woman alone
before she call
the police on me."
All I came for is a loaf
of bread and some lunch meat.
Sitting at the counter,
waiting to check out.
All of a sudden,
I feel this tap on my shoulder.
It's that little white woman.
This what she said to me.
She was like, "I'm so sorry
for the way I behaved.
And I would like to buy
your groceries."
Now, in my mind, I'm going,
"That ain't gonna
make it better,
you racist bitch."
But I couldn't say that.
I had to manage my blackness.
So I went and got
more groceries.
My shit came out to $836.
White people, get your pens out.
I'm gonna teach you something
about black people, okay?
All black people
love plastic bags.
We do. We love 'em.
If you come over my house
and throw away my plastic bags,
I will beat the life out of you.
Every black person in here
got a drawer
under the sink
full of them motherfuckers.
You ever open your pantry,
and they try to escape
real slowly?
You be like,"
They keep trying to get away."
That's right.
Love some plastic bags.
There's a lot of uses for 'em.
Number one,
they trash bags
for my little cans
I have around the house.
They also shower caps,
umbrellas,
backpacks,
file cabinets--
yes, I keeps my taxes
in plastic bags.
I put "2016" on there
and slide it under my bed
like every other American.
And they great
chicken bag shakers.
Put your seasoned flour,
chicken in there.
You spin them boys around
and roll 'em out.
I think deeply
like that on stuff, you know.
I do. I'm a--
I'm a deep thinker, you know.
It's how I like to do--
think real deep,
smoke something, lay back,
let my mind take off.
I be thinking about stuff
people don't know about,
people ain't even
thinking about.
Like for example,
why isn't there any B batteries?
Why there ain't no B batteries?
But they tripled up on the As.
What, the B stand
for black battery?
Ain't no black batteries
around here?
Nah, if there was
black batteries,
I wouldn't use 'em.
They probably
would work sometimes.
Fuck y'all.
That's hilarious.
Trying to be
all pro-black in here.
"Haha-- .
"We don't talk that way
in D.C., Deon.
"You can go back to Chicago
with all your chitlin ways.
We don't do that here."
I get deep.
I'm a deep dude.
Here's another example
of how deep I get.
Adam and Eve,
they're the very first people
on the planet Earth, right?
Right?
- Right.
So I'm looking at a picture
of them the other day,
both of them naked,
and I notice they both
had navels--
belly buttons.
Why?
Who cut they umbilical cords?
You ever be with a woman,
and you have
to drop her off at home?
You pull up to her house.
You got to wait
until she get out the car,
walk up the gangway,
get to her door,
put the key in the door,
turn it.
Then she leans back
and does this,
and then you supposed
to pull off, right?
Stupidest shit ever.
Every time I pull off,
I can't help but to think,
"I wonder, is the murderer
inside the house?"
There's just not a lot
of porch killings.
I would think
he would be in the house,
like the rest
of the murderers do.
My son asked me to buy him
some Beats by Dre headphones.
I went and priced them boys.
Them motherfuckers was $400.
I'm like, "Y'all ain't got no
Beats by Soulja Boy?
"Them should be about $20,
shouldn't they?
"Y'all ain't got
no MC Hammer Beats
or nothing like that?"
Got to treat yourself better,
y'all.
You got one life.
Treat yourself better, you know?
Got to start
doing things better.
You got to treat your--
just one life.
You got to-- got to treat it
good, you know?
Some of y'all dealing
with obesity your whole life.
You ain't got to deal
with that for your whole life.
Your whole life?
No, get small,
once in your lifetime.
Just see how it feels--
before you die,
just see how it feels.
Go shopping.
Get you some new clothes.
Just-- man, don't be big
your whole entire life.
Get small once, okay?
Stop eating that shit.
Stop eating that shit.
You know how it tastes.
You know how it tastes.
It's delicious,
and it's gonna be delicious.
Now you stop eating that shit.
Y'all keep eating it,
like, "Let me see
if it's still delicious."
Yes, it is.
This white dude I know
asked me if--
asked me if I ever ate
a free-range chicken.
I was like,
"What the hell is that?"
He was like,
"You're gonna love it.
"It's these comfortable,
carefree chickens,
"and they roam around freely
wherever they want to roam.
"They roam wherever,
they eat healthy,
"and they die in a humane way.
You're gonna love 'em."
I went and priced them
motherfuckers.
Them bitches
was expensive as hell.
I was like,
"No, I'm gonna keep eating
"these overwhelmed chickens--
"these stressed-out
anxiety chickens.
I like these
claustrophobic chickens."
I learned black people
don't know a lot
of white actresses
and actors at all.
Like, we know
all the old-school ones,
but we don't know none
of the new white celebrities
and actors and stuff.
If you want
black people to know,
like, a new white celebrity,
you got to tell us
what movie they was in
and what they did in the movie.
We don't know the names
like-- like, back in the day,
you used to know
everybody names--
John Travolta, Harrison Ford.
We don't know nobody's name now.
You know, I used
to write for Conan.
I remember when
a lot of people used to--
thank y'all.
Like, me writing for Conan,
all my friends used to love
to come to the show,
but they would never know who
none of the white guests was.
Like my friend would be like,
"Yo, D, I want to come
to the show today, man.
You got some tickets?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
He'll be like,
"Who you got on the show?"
"We got a good show today.
We got Christian Bale."
"Who's that?"
I'm like,
"Christian Bale, Batman."
"What he do in Batman?"
"Bitch, he was Batman."
"Okay, all right.
"Yeah, that's my man.
"That's my man.
"That's my man.
That's my man.
"Yeah, yeah, he cracks me up.
He's hilarious."
"No, he's not, bitch."
When I used to write
over at Conan,
I was the only black writer
that they ever had, ever.
And I used to sit there
and be like-- I'd just sit there,
and I used to learn
little stuff.
Like, I would never
wear a sweater
around white people ever again.
One time, I was at work,
and I had this sweater on.
You know how your sweater
get all shitty right here
with them little balls and shit?
I'm sitting there trying
to get it off my sweater--
you know,
I'm trying to get it all off.
And these white--
the other white writers,
they're just looking at me,
smiling and laughing, like...
I'm sitting there like, "What
the fuck is wrong with them?"
But then I realized
I was picking cotton.
And I was like, "Fuck it.
Swing low
Chariot
I give God the glory
in no matter what I do.
Got to.
I give God the glory
in whatever I do.
Even in my downfalls,
I give God the glory.
I could be on my way
to a job interview
and lose my keys.
I be like, "Thank you, Lord,
for letting me lose my keys."
'Cause I could've had my keys
and went and started my car up,
went down the street,
and a truck could've hit me.
But by me losing my keys,
it offset the timing
of that accident.
So I be like, "Thank you, Lord.
Thank you for letting me
lose my keys, God."
I might not get that job,
but thank you, Lord.
I can come in the house
and my electricity be off.
I'll be like,
"Thank you, Lord.
"Thank you for cutting
my power off, God.
That Internet was
fucking my brain up."
I could be on a date
and lose my wallet.
"Thank you, Lord.
"Thank you for letting me
lose my wallet, God.
Now I can see how down
this bitch really is."
I hate iPhones.
You know what I hate
about these phones?
They always trying
to spell for you.
I'm like, "Bitch,
I know what I'm spelling.
Motherfucker,
I don't know no ninjas."
I wrote, "Where's my niggas?"
This like,
"Where's your ninjas?"
I'm like, "Why would I be
texting a ninja, motherfucker?
Who in the hell
even know a ninja?"
Ol' dumb-ass smart-ass phone.
I don't get jokes.
People tell me jokes
all the time,
and I just don't get 'em.
It's weird, right,
'cause I'm a writer.
I'm a comic.
You'd think I'd get jokes,
but I don't.
I don't get no jokes.
One time, a friend of mine
called me up
and asked me to help him
with something.
Like, I just didn't get it.
You know, he called me up.
He was like, "Hey, Deon,
can you help me with something?"
I was like, "Yeah."
He was like, "All right.
What has a little dick
and hangs down?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
He was like, "A bat."
I was like,
"Okay."
Then he was like,
"Now what has a big dick
and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
Then he hung up the phone on me.
I was like, "Man,
what happened to my signal?"
So I called him back.
I was like, "Hey, I don't know
what just happened to my phone,
but what was you saying?
Say that again real quick."
He was like,
"What has a little dick
and hangs down?"
I'm like, "A bat."
He like, "Now what has
a big dick and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
And then he hung up again.
So now I'm outside doing
these karate moves,
trying to find a frequency
on my phone.
"Yeah, it's me again.
I'ma stay still while I got you.
"But little-dick bat--
I got that part.
Now what's after that?"
Hung up again.
I was like, "I hate AT&T."
I ended up texting him.
I was like, "What's after
the big dick?"
This motherfucker texts me back,
"Click."
How you gonna hang up
on a text message?
I appreciate that, brother.
Thanks.
It's a special I'm shooting.
I need all the laughs I can get.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, brother.
Y'all put him on camera.
A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.
I ain't on no moist shit
or nothing like that, but
I'm just saying.
A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.
He do. You can act
like you don't, but you do.
You ever be in the club,
kicking it, having fun--
all of a sudden, some sexy dude
come stand right next to you?
You be like, "Damn, dude.
Can't get no hoes
with you standing next to me."
Women, your man know
when a nice-looking man
is in the vicinity too.
Like, for real, especially
if another man compliments you.
I'm gonna tell you how--
how you know your man
think this man look nice,
all right?
The more angry your man get,
the more sexy
he think this dude is.
'Cause you could be
walking down the street
with your man, holding his hand,
and a homeless dude
can walk up and be like,
"Boy, look at
this beautiful ray of light
"you got with you this evening.
"She's just shining,
looking all spectacular.
"Look at you, girl.
Keep doing what you doing, girl.
You winning, brother.
You sure is winning."
Your man gonna be like,
"Thank you, brother.
I sure appreciate that.
"Thanks a lot, brother.
Thank you, brother.
"I sure appreciate that.
Right here, brother.
"Thank you. Go ahead,
tell him thank you, baby.
"Go 'head. Tell him thank you.
No, go give him a hug,
and go tell him thank you."
Let some sexy motherfucker
say that.
"Excuse me, brother--
no disrespect.
"I been looking at this
beautiful ray of light
"from across the room.
"She been blinding me
ever since she came up in here,
"and I just wanted to tell you,
keep doing what you're doing,
baby, 'cause,
real niggas is watching."
Your man gonna be like,
"We don't need you cosigning
"how beautiful
my ray of light is.
"You understand me?
"I tell her how shiny
she is every morning,
"and we don't need you cosigning
"a goddamn thing.
"You understand me?
"Do you understand me?
"Bitch, what is you
smiling about?
"Get your ass in the car, bitch.
I'll murder both of you
motherfuckers."
Women, when y'all go on dates,
y'all better ask
better questions.
That's what you got to do.
That's why you keep
having the same results.
You keep asking
the same questions.
You asking the same questions
your mama was asking
when she was in these streets.
You got to ask better questions.
Go deeper
with your question-asking
when you getting
to know somebody, all right?
Like next time
you getting to know a man,
go deeper with that, you know?
Be like, "Yeah,
do you got any kids?"
He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.
"Do you have any on the way?"
'Cause that's a difference.
Men don't count him
until he hit the Earth.
You got to go deeper.
Be like, "Yeah, do you live
with your mama?"
He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.
"Do your mama live with you?"
You got to go deeper.
Let me ask you a question, okay?
Did you know white women
can have sex with a--
with a black guy just one time
and not looked down upon?
You can't, like, keep
having sex with black people.
You only can do it once,
and your peers will not
look down on you for that shit.
Did you know that?
But only once.
You can't keep doing it.
I shit you not.
I always ask white women
that at my shows.
They be like this--
this one white women's like,
"Yeah, I know all about that."
I was like, "Really?"
I was like, "Well, did you
have your black fuck yet?"
She was like, "I almost did."
I was like, "What happened?"
She was like,
"His dick was small,
and I didn't want
to waste my black fuck."
I was like, "Well played,
white woman."
Women love relationships.
Men hate relationships.
We just end up in 'em.
Don't no man want to be
in no relationship.
I ain't never
had no dude call me up
and be like, "Hey, Deon,
let's go down to the club
and find some relationships
to get into."
I ain't never walk in no party
and was like,
"Boy, one of these bitches
about to get married
in this motherfucker tonight."
Ain't nobody ever
call me up like,
"Boy, get down to the club.
"There's so many soul mates
in this bitch.
Ooh!"
I don't like good pussy.
That's right.
I said it.
I don't like good pussy.
Good pussy change your life.
I like my life
just the way it is.
Give me all the mediocre sex
in the world.
I don't want no good ass.
You ever be in a mall
and see a big strong dude
standing there holding a purse?
That's that good pussy
got him holding that purse.
That good ass was like,
"I'm getting ready
to try these clothes on.
Don't you sit my purse down."
And he gonna stand there
in profile with that.
And if the ass real good,
he gonna hold it like this.
I don't want no good ass.
Good ass got you out here
playing board games and shit.
Fuck you doing
playing board games?
You a killer!
Got you playing Uno
with strangers.
Who the hell
are these motherfuckers?
Who's this bitch that keep
draw four-ing me right here?
I can tell good sex
on the first stroke.
I be like, "Nope,
"I'm good.
"No, it's not you.
It's me.
"I just don't like
change like that.
"That's all.
"Yeah, you can keep
all that good-good
"and whatever else you call it.
I don't want it."
I'm just a realist kind of dude.
I'm a kind of guy that,
I'ma let you know
what's up off top.
You know, like, if we go
on a date or whatever,
I'ma let you know
what's going on up top,
you know, so you'll know
what's happening.
You know, so there won't be
no-- no-- no tricks
or nothing like that.
I got to let it-- let it be
known up top, you know?
I'm the type of dude where,
at the end of the date,
I'll be like this.
"Man, we had
a good time tonight.
"We kicked it.
"We ate, drank, smoked, laughed.
"We had a good time tonight.
"You know what would make
this night even better?
If we fuck."
Now, if she tell me no,
and I go, "Why?" and she go,
"'Cause you not gonna call me
the next day,"
I don't want
to fuck her no more.
'Cause she ain't got
no confidence in her coochie.
Why would you say that?
Why would you say I'm not
gonna call you the next day?
Why would you say that
to anyone?
What, you don't believe
in yourself?
Why would you say that?
Now, if I ask you
to sleep with me, you go, "No,"
and I go, "Why?"
and you go, "'Cause I don't
want you stalking me,"
that's some pussy I can respect.
And I'ma think
about that pussy all night
while I sit in your bushes.
This is great.
This is a great seminar,
ladies and gentlemen.
I want to thank y'all
for coming to my seminar.
But I like to do
a little recap at my seminars.
I like to do a recap,
just to see how my class is
and who learned what
or whatever.
So your participation
would help greatly, okay?
Okay, cool.
Black people,
we have to manage our what?
Blackness.
All right.
Look at the white people.
"Thank God
someone brought that up."
That's all right, okay, cool.
Women, when you're on a date,
you got to ask better what?
Questions.
Go deeper.
- Got to go deeper.
Y'all making a brother proud
in here right now.
That's great.
Men, we don't want no good what?
Pussy.
That was like, "Puss--
"Okay, now, why do we agree
on that again?
"I-I didn't get that part.
"I just--
now, why are we not?"
Brothers in here like,
"No, that's what you believe in.
We gets good pussy over here."
Women, you got to have
confidence in your what?
Pussy.
I said "coochie"
but, I mean, pussy's cool.
Pussy's cool.
All the dirty women like,
"Pussy--
"confidence in this pussy.
Got to believe in this puss."
Hey, D.C., I love y'all.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
A tour coming soon.
Thank y'all so much.
I love y'all.
Just kind of set it up
and pop it--
pop it and drop it.
I know, right?
- I ate some of your fries.
You stole my fries?
Yeah.
Kind of cold.
So what's the move?
What are we gonna do?
Man, I'm thinking a vodka gimlet
and some--
- What?
Vodka gimlet?
order me a turkey burger.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Live from
the historic Lincoln Theatre,
near Capitol Hill
in Washington, D.C.,
we are proud to present...
Deon Cole.
What's up, D.C.?
How y'all doing?
Make some noise!
Yes!
I feel the love!
Thank you!
Whoo!
Thank you so much for coming
to my seminar this evening.
That's what this about to be--
it's about to be a seminar.
White people, I'ma say a lot
of stuff you're not gonna like,
but just sit there
and take that shit, all right?
And women,
I'ma say a lot of stuff
you not gonna like,
but I promise you,
if you take heed into the shit
I say this evening,
when you leave here,
you gonna be a better bitch.
I promise you.
Now, you not gonna laugh
at everything that I say,
and I'm cool with that.
'Cause when you ain't laughing,
that mean you
evaluating your life.
And if I can just touch one,
I've done my job this evening.
I had to come out here in D.C.
and get it popping, baby.
That's right.
I had to, man, 'cause it's
Obama's last year in office,
and I just wanted
to come to Capitol Hill
and be close to some
historic shit, you know?
And plus, we ain't gonna see
another black president forever.
No, that's-- that's over with.
Don't even-- no,
that ain't never
gonna happen again.
All them back-to-back
black t-shirts you made,
you might as well
burn them motherfuckers.
You're not gonna see Obama
leaning against some other
black dude back like...
That ain't happening.
Plus, I wanted to come out here
'cause D.C. got so many
thick-ass women.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Y'all got some thick women here.
And it's not-- it's not
that ordinary thick.
It's like unusually thick,
like a concerned thick.
I was walking around today.
Saw this girl, thickest--
thicker than a motherfucker,
thicker than cold peanut butter.
I'ma let that marinate
for a minute.
Cold peanut butter
thick as hell.
You ever try to spread
cold peanut butter?
You'll tear your bread up.
You're like "!
"Damn.
Give me another slice."
I better not see none
of you women stealing my joke
and putting it
on Instagram, neither.
Be a picture of you like this
with "cold peanut butter"
at the top of it--
#peanutbutter.
Some cold peanut butter's
here tonight.
Some nice little
cold peanut butter right there.
I like that, yeah.
Nice-- nice little
room-temperature peanut butter
right here.
Hey,
freezer peanut butter
right here.
I fucks with
some freezer peanut butter.
That shit'll break your knife.
Man, I just got back up here.
I got up here from
Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Did a show down there--
yeah, whatever the fuck ever.
Did not know that
that was a retirement city.
Everybody on my flight
was 80 and up.
Took me an hour
to get to my seat,
'cause couldn't none
of these old motherfuckers
get they luggage
up in the top bin.
I had to help
the whole fucking plane out.
I'm like,
"I got it. Move.
"Just sit down.
I got it.
"Move. I got it.
Sit down 'fore you fall.
"I got it.
I don't know
where your hatbox is."
I'm like, "Who the hell packs
a hatbox?"
I'm like, "Where's all these
old motherfuckers going to?"
I had to look
at my ticket again.
I'm like,
"Where we going, to heaven?
"I hope we ain't
going to heaven.
I got shit to do.
I can't be..."
And there was a middle seat
open next to me.
I ain't want none
of them sitting there
talking to me
the whole damn flight,
so I had to turn
my blackness up.
Yeah, white people,
that's something we do.
It's called managing
your blackness.
See, white people,
y'all can be white all day long.
Black people can't be black
all day long.
Society don't play that.
It's messed up,
but we have to choose
throughout our day
when to be black
and when not to be.
It's crazy.
That black dude you work with?
That ain't how he really act.
That is not the real James.
You go to a job interview,
you cut that black shit off.
You go in there like, "Yes,
it behooves me to..."
I don't even know
what the hell "behoove" means,
but it feel like it go there,
you know?
So I ain't want none of them
sitting next to me.
So I reached in my bag,
pulled my baseball cap,
put it on sideways,
put my sunglasses on,
put my headphones on,
turned that shit up real loud.
I was like, "Kill these niggas,
"all these niggas.
Kill these niggas."
Didn't nobody sit next to me.
They were sitting on
each other laps
before they came to this seat.
Soon as they closed the door
and locked it,
I was like, "Hoo,"
took all that bullshit off
and pulled my Sudoku book out,
and was like...
Got to manage your blackness.
I remember another time
I had to manage my blackness.
I was in Hollywood
leaving a show,
and it was 2:00 in the morning.
Everything close at 2:00
in the morning out there.
And I wanted to get
something to eat,
and I knew the grocery store
around my neighborhood
stayed open 24 hours.
So I was like, you know,
"I'll go there," you know?
And I-- and I live in
an all-white neighborhood--
like all white--
like all white.
Like, if I see
another black dude
in my neighborhood,
I'll call the police.
'Cause I want to know what
that nigga doing over there.
And I know he ain't coming
to visit me,
'cause that's why I moved
over there,
to get away from niggas.
Some of y'all did it too.
Don't be staring at me
like that's fucked up.
It feel good to live
around the white people
that just believe--
just believe in
the neighborhood, you know?
Like, true story, I was walking
down the street one day,
and I saw on this tree,
there was a picture--
a reward poster
for a missing bird.
Some white bitch lost her bird
and thought,
throughout all this open air,
space, trees, and clouds--
she thought her bird was still
gonna be in the community.
She believed that.
She made a flier,
as if I was gonna be
walking down the street like,
"Damn,
"there go that bitch bird.
"I'm gonna get
this reward money up out of her.
"I can't believe he stayed
in the community like that.
This one good goddamn
bird right here."
Man, I wrote on that poster,
"Bitch, your bird is gone.
Get a goldfish, ho."
2:30 in the morning, I'm finally
around my neighborhood.
I'm sitting at the light.
This white woman
pull on the side of me.
Light turned green.
She take off. I take off.
She make a right.
I make a right.
Then she make a left.
I make a left.
Then she pulled into
the parking garage
of the grocery store.
That's where I was going.
She parked.
I parked right next to her.
She got out and was
walking to the store.
I was walking right behind her.
It was chilly out,
so I had my hoodie on.
All of a sudden, she seen me
and grabbed her purse,
and was like,
"What do you want?"
I was like, "Snacks, bitch.
"Fuck is wrong with you?
Nobody trying to rob you
in your Toyota Tercel, bitch."
I can't believe she thought
I was trying to do something
to her.
I was like, "You know what?
"I ain't about to let her
live this down.
I'm 'bout to terrorize
this bitch."
So like, every aisle
she shopped in,
I would walk at the end
of the aisle like this.
She'll take some cereal
off the shelf,
my face would be
behind the cereal, like...
I was like, "Let me leave
this woman alone
before she call
the police on me."
All I came for is a loaf
of bread and some lunch meat.
Sitting at the counter,
waiting to check out.
All of a sudden,
I feel this tap on my shoulder.
It's that little white woman.
This what she said to me.
She was like, "I'm so sorry
for the way I behaved.
And I would like to buy
your groceries."
Now, in my mind, I'm going,
"That ain't gonna
make it better,
you racist bitch."
But I couldn't say that.
I had to manage my blackness.
So I went and got
more groceries.
My shit came out to $836.
White people, get your pens out.
I'm gonna teach you something
about black people, okay?
All black people
love plastic bags.
We do. We love 'em.
If you come over my house
and throw away my plastic bags,
I will beat the life out of you.
Every black person in here
got a drawer
under the sink
full of them motherfuckers.
You ever open your pantry,
and they try to escape
real slowly?
You be like,"
They keep trying to get away."
That's right.
Love some plastic bags.
There's a lot of uses for 'em.
Number one,
they trash bags
for my little cans
I have around the house.
They also shower caps,
umbrellas,
backpacks,
file cabinets--
yes, I keeps my taxes
in plastic bags.
I put "2016" on there
and slide it under my bed
like every other American.
And they great
chicken bag shakers.
Put your seasoned flour,
chicken in there.
You spin them boys around
and roll 'em out.
I think deeply
like that on stuff, you know.
I do. I'm a--
I'm a deep thinker, you know.
It's how I like to do--
think real deep,
smoke something, lay back,
let my mind take off.
I be thinking about stuff
people don't know about,
people ain't even
thinking about.
Like for example,
why isn't there any B batteries?
Why there ain't no B batteries?
But they tripled up on the As.
What, the B stand
for black battery?
Ain't no black batteries
around here?
Nah, if there was
black batteries,
I wouldn't use 'em.
They probably
would work sometimes.
Fuck y'all.
That's hilarious.
Trying to be
all pro-black in here.
"Haha-- .
"We don't talk that way
in D.C., Deon.
"You can go back to Chicago
with all your chitlin ways.
We don't do that here."
I get deep.
I'm a deep dude.
Here's another example
of how deep I get.
Adam and Eve,
they're the very first people
on the planet Earth, right?
Right?
- Right.
So I'm looking at a picture
of them the other day,
both of them naked,
and I notice they both
had navels--
belly buttons.
Why?
Who cut they umbilical cords?
You ever be with a woman,
and you have
to drop her off at home?
You pull up to her house.
You got to wait
until she get out the car,
walk up the gangway,
get to her door,
put the key in the door,
turn it.
Then she leans back
and does this,
and then you supposed
to pull off, right?
Stupidest shit ever.
Every time I pull off,
I can't help but to think,
"I wonder, is the murderer
inside the house?"
There's just not a lot
of porch killings.
I would think
he would be in the house,
like the rest
of the murderers do.
My son asked me to buy him
some Beats by Dre headphones.
I went and priced them boys.
Them motherfuckers was $400.
I'm like, "Y'all ain't got no
Beats by Soulja Boy?
"Them should be about $20,
shouldn't they?
"Y'all ain't got
no MC Hammer Beats
or nothing like that?"
Got to treat yourself better,
y'all.
You got one life.
Treat yourself better, you know?
Got to start
doing things better.
You got to treat your--
just one life.
You got to-- got to treat it
good, you know?
Some of y'all dealing
with obesity your whole life.
You ain't got to deal
with that for your whole life.
Your whole life?
No, get small,
once in your lifetime.
Just see how it feels--
before you die,
just see how it feels.
Go shopping.
Get you some new clothes.
Just-- man, don't be big
your whole entire life.
Get small once, okay?
Stop eating that shit.
Stop eating that shit.
You know how it tastes.
You know how it tastes.
It's delicious,
and it's gonna be delicious.
Now you stop eating that shit.
Y'all keep eating it,
like, "Let me see
if it's still delicious."
Yes, it is.
This white dude I know
asked me if--
asked me if I ever ate
a free-range chicken.
I was like,
"What the hell is that?"
He was like,
"You're gonna love it.
"It's these comfortable,
carefree chickens,
"and they roam around freely
wherever they want to roam.
"They roam wherever,
they eat healthy,
"and they die in a humane way.
You're gonna love 'em."
I went and priced them
motherfuckers.
Them bitches
was expensive as hell.
I was like,
"No, I'm gonna keep eating
"these overwhelmed chickens--
"these stressed-out
anxiety chickens.
I like these
claustrophobic chickens."
I learned black people
don't know a lot
of white actresses
and actors at all.
Like, we know
all the old-school ones,
but we don't know none
of the new white celebrities
and actors and stuff.
If you want
black people to know,
like, a new white celebrity,
you got to tell us
what movie they was in
and what they did in the movie.
We don't know the names
like-- like, back in the day,
you used to know
everybody names--
John Travolta, Harrison Ford.
We don't know nobody's name now.
You know, I used
to write for Conan.
I remember when
a lot of people used to--
thank y'all.
Like, me writing for Conan,
all my friends used to love
to come to the show,
but they would never know who
none of the white guests was.
Like my friend would be like,
"Yo, D, I want to come
to the show today, man.
You got some tickets?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
He'll be like,
"Who you got on the show?"
"We got a good show today.
We got Christian Bale."
"Who's that?"
I'm like,
"Christian Bale, Batman."
"What he do in Batman?"
"Bitch, he was Batman."
"Okay, all right.
"Yeah, that's my man.
"That's my man.
"That's my man.
That's my man.
"Yeah, yeah, he cracks me up.
He's hilarious."
"No, he's not, bitch."
When I used to write
over at Conan,
I was the only black writer
that they ever had, ever.
And I used to sit there
and be like-- I'd just sit there,
and I used to learn
little stuff.
Like, I would never
wear a sweater
around white people ever again.
One time, I was at work,
and I had this sweater on.
You know how your sweater
get all shitty right here
with them little balls and shit?
I'm sitting there trying
to get it off my sweater--
you know,
I'm trying to get it all off.
And these white--
the other white writers,
they're just looking at me,
smiling and laughing, like...
I'm sitting there like, "What
the fuck is wrong with them?"
But then I realized
I was picking cotton.
And I was like, "Fuck it.
Swing low
Chariot
I give God the glory
in no matter what I do.
Got to.
I give God the glory
in whatever I do.
Even in my downfalls,
I give God the glory.
I could be on my way
to a job interview
and lose my keys.
I be like, "Thank you, Lord,
for letting me lose my keys."
'Cause I could've had my keys
and went and started my car up,
went down the street,
and a truck could've hit me.
But by me losing my keys,
it offset the timing
of that accident.
So I be like, "Thank you, Lord.
Thank you for letting me
lose my keys, God."
I might not get that job,
but thank you, Lord.
I can come in the house
and my electricity be off.
I'll be like,
"Thank you, Lord.
"Thank you for cutting
my power off, God.
That Internet was
fucking my brain up."
I could be on a date
and lose my wallet.
"Thank you, Lord.
"Thank you for letting me
lose my wallet, God.
Now I can see how down
this bitch really is."
I hate iPhones.
You know what I hate
about these phones?
They always trying
to spell for you.
I'm like, "Bitch,
I know what I'm spelling.
Motherfucker,
I don't know no ninjas."
I wrote, "Where's my niggas?"
This like,
"Where's your ninjas?"
I'm like, "Why would I be
texting a ninja, motherfucker?
Who in the hell
even know a ninja?"
Ol' dumb-ass smart-ass phone.
I don't get jokes.
People tell me jokes
all the time,
and I just don't get 'em.
It's weird, right,
'cause I'm a writer.
I'm a comic.
You'd think I'd get jokes,
but I don't.
I don't get no jokes.
One time, a friend of mine
called me up
and asked me to help him
with something.
Like, I just didn't get it.
You know, he called me up.
He was like, "Hey, Deon,
can you help me with something?"
I was like, "Yeah."
He was like, "All right.
What has a little dick
and hangs down?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
He was like, "A bat."
I was like,
"Okay."
Then he was like,
"Now what has a big dick
and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
Then he hung up the phone on me.
I was like, "Man,
what happened to my signal?"
So I called him back.
I was like, "Hey, I don't know
what just happened to my phone,
but what was you saying?
Say that again real quick."
He was like,
"What has a little dick
and hangs down?"
I'm like, "A bat."
He like, "Now what has
a big dick and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
And then he hung up again.
So now I'm outside doing
these karate moves,
trying to find a frequency
on my phone.
"Yeah, it's me again.
I'ma stay still while I got you.
"But little-dick bat--
I got that part.
Now what's after that?"
Hung up again.
I was like, "I hate AT&T."
I ended up texting him.
I was like, "What's after
the big dick?"
This motherfucker texts me back,
"Click."
How you gonna hang up
on a text message?
I appreciate that, brother.
Thanks.
It's a special I'm shooting.
I need all the laughs I can get.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, brother.
Y'all put him on camera.
A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.
I ain't on no moist shit
or nothing like that, but
I'm just saying.
A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.
He do. You can act
like you don't, but you do.
You ever be in the club,
kicking it, having fun--
all of a sudden, some sexy dude
come stand right next to you?
You be like, "Damn, dude.
Can't get no hoes
with you standing next to me."
Women, your man know
when a nice-looking man
is in the vicinity too.
Like, for real, especially
if another man compliments you.
I'm gonna tell you how--
how you know your man
think this man look nice,
all right?
The more angry your man get,
the more sexy
he think this dude is.
'Cause you could be
walking down the street
with your man, holding his hand,
and a homeless dude
can walk up and be like,
"Boy, look at
this beautiful ray of light
"you got with you this evening.
"She's just shining,
looking all spectacular.
"Look at you, girl.
Keep doing what you doing, girl.
You winning, brother.
You sure is winning."
Your man gonna be like,
"Thank you, brother.
I sure appreciate that.
"Thanks a lot, brother.
Thank you, brother.
"I sure appreciate that.
Right here, brother.
"Thank you. Go ahead,
tell him thank you, baby.
"Go 'head. Tell him thank you.
No, go give him a hug,
and go tell him thank you."
Let some sexy motherfucker
say that.
"Excuse me, brother--
no disrespect.
"I been looking at this
beautiful ray of light
"from across the room.
"She been blinding me
ever since she came up in here,
"and I just wanted to tell you,
keep doing what you're doing,
baby, 'cause,
real niggas is watching."
Your man gonna be like,
"We don't need you cosigning
"how beautiful
my ray of light is.
"You understand me?
"I tell her how shiny
she is every morning,
"and we don't need you cosigning
"a goddamn thing.
"You understand me?
"Do you understand me?
"Bitch, what is you
smiling about?
"Get your ass in the car, bitch.
I'll murder both of you
motherfuckers."
Women, when y'all go on dates,
y'all better ask
better questions.
That's what you got to do.
That's why you keep
having the same results.
You keep asking
the same questions.
You asking the same questions
your mama was asking
when she was in these streets.
You got to ask better questions.
Go deeper
with your question-asking
when you getting
to know somebody, all right?
Like next time
you getting to know a man,
go deeper with that, you know?
Be like, "Yeah,
do you got any kids?"
He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.
"Do you have any on the way?"
'Cause that's a difference.
Men don't count him
until he hit the Earth.
You got to go deeper.
Be like, "Yeah, do you live
with your mama?"
He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.
"Do your mama live with you?"
You got to go deeper.
Let me ask you a question, okay?
Did you know white women
can have sex with a--
with a black guy just one time
and not looked down upon?
You can't, like, keep
having sex with black people.
You only can do it once,
and your peers will not
look down on you for that shit.
Did you know that?
But only once.
You can't keep doing it.
I shit you not.
I always ask white women
that at my shows.
They be like this--
this one white women's like,
"Yeah, I know all about that."
I was like, "Really?"
I was like, "Well, did you
have your black fuck yet?"
She was like, "I almost did."
I was like, "What happened?"
She was like,
"His dick was small,
and I didn't want
to waste my black fuck."
I was like, "Well played,
white woman."
Women love relationships.
Men hate relationships.
We just end up in 'em.
Don't no man want to be
in no relationship.
I ain't never
had no dude call me up
and be like, "Hey, Deon,
let's go down to the club
and find some relationships
to get into."
I ain't never walk in no party
and was like,
"Boy, one of these bitches
about to get married
in this motherfucker tonight."
Ain't nobody ever
call me up like,
"Boy, get down to the club.
"There's so many soul mates
in this bitch.
Ooh!"
I don't like good pussy.
That's right.
I said it.
I don't like good pussy.
Good pussy change your life.
I like my life
just the way it is.
Give me all the mediocre sex
in the world.
I don't want no good ass.
You ever be in a mall
and see a big strong dude
standing there holding a purse?
That's that good pussy
got him holding that purse.
That good ass was like,
"I'm getting ready
to try these clothes on.
Don't you sit my purse down."
And he gonna stand there
in profile with that.
And if the ass real good,
he gonna hold it like this.
I don't want no good ass.
Good ass got you out here
playing board games and shit.
Fuck you doing
playing board games?
You a killer!
Got you playing Uno
with strangers.
Who the hell
are these motherfuckers?
Who's this bitch that keep
draw four-ing me right here?
I can tell good sex
on the first stroke.
I be like, "Nope,
"I'm good.
"No, it's not you.
It's me.
"I just don't like
change like that.
"That's all.
"Yeah, you can keep
all that good-good
"and whatever else you call it.
I don't want it."
I'm just a realist kind of dude.
I'm a kind of guy that,
I'ma let you know
what's up off top.
You know, like, if we go
on a date or whatever,
I'ma let you know
what's going on up top,
you know, so you'll know
what's happening.
You know, so there won't be
no-- no-- no tricks
or nothing like that.
I got to let it-- let it be
known up top, you know?
I'm the type of dude where,
at the end of the date,
I'll be like this.
"Man, we had
a good time tonight.
"We kicked it.
"We ate, drank, smoked, laughed.
"We had a good time tonight.
"You know what would make
this night even better?
If we fuck."
Now, if she tell me no,
and I go, "Why?" and she go,
"'Cause you not gonna call me
the next day,"
I don't want
to fuck her no more.
'Cause she ain't got
no confidence in her coochie.
Why would you say that?
Why would you say I'm not
gonna call you the next day?
Why would you say that
to anyone?
What, you don't believe
in yourself?
Why would you say that?
Now, if I ask you
to sleep with me, you go, "No,"
and I go, "Why?"
and you go, "'Cause I don't
want you stalking me,"
that's some pussy I can respect.
And I'ma think
about that pussy all night
while I sit in your bushes.
This is great.
This is a great seminar,
ladies and gentlemen.
I want to thank y'all
for coming to my seminar.
But I like to do
a little recap at my seminars.
I like to do a recap,
just to see how my class is
and who learned what
or whatever.
So your participation
would help greatly, okay?
Okay, cool.
Black people,
we have to manage our what?
Blackness.
All right.
Look at the white people.
"Thank God
someone brought that up."
That's all right, okay, cool.
Women, when you're on a date,
you got to ask better what?
Questions.
Go deeper.
- Got to go deeper.
Y'all making a brother proud
in here right now.
That's great.
Men, we don't want no good what?
Pussy.
That was like, "Puss--
"Okay, now, why do we agree
on that again?
"I-I didn't get that part.
"I just--
now, why are we not?"
Brothers in here like,
"No, that's what you believe in.
We gets good pussy over here."
Women, you got to have
confidence in your what?
Pussy.
I said "coochie"
but, I mean, pussy's cool.
Pussy's cool.
All the dirty women like,
"Pussy--
"confidence in this pussy.
Got to believe in this puss."
Hey, D.C., I love y'all.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
A tour coming soon.
Thank y'all so much.
I love y'all.
Just kind of set it up
and pop it--
pop it and drop it.
I know, right?
- I ate some of your fries.
You stole my fries?
Yeah.
Kind of cold.
So what's the move?
What are we gonna do?
Man, I'm thinking a vodka gimlet
and some--
- What?
Vodka gimlet?