Deon Cole: Cole Hearted (2019) Movie Script
Live from Charlotte,
North Carolina...
we are proud to present
Chicago's own Deon Cole!
Charlotte, make some
motherfuckin' noise, y'all.
Thank you so much, man.
I appreciate y'all.
Look, I only got an hour,
so we gotta hurry up
and get into this shit, all right?
So let's get this shit goin'.
White people.
Is there anything you hate
about black people?
Go.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Nothin'? Nothin' at all?
Black people cool as hell, huh?
Ain't nothin' wrong with black people
at all? Y'all want to say nothin'? Huh?
Okay, that's cool.
Watch this.
Black people...
Niggas like, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!
Pick me! Ooh!
Some shit just happened, nigga,
I gotta tell you about it!
I got to tell you about it!"
It's all good, man.
Yo, man, I had to do my shit here
out in Charlotte.
I was around the city
last night kickin' it,
went to this little R&B spot I love.
Like, R&B, like, '90s R&B music,
that's my shit.
'Cause all the music back then,
all the lyrics was about giving women
shit
that you really didn't have to give them,
you know?
Like that one group, After 7,
they had this one song.
The lyrics went
"I give you the sun, the rain,
the moon, the stars and the mountains."
Shit!
Whoo!
This motherfucker
must know God personally to...
just be givin' that away, right?
Ooh! That's-- That's some shit to say
to a motherfucker, ain't it?
"I'll give you the moon, the stars, and
the mountain. I'll give you the world!"
Yes!
- "And all that you wish for.
And even more."
Wow.
Ain't nobody writin' the songs
like that no more.
These young dudes nowadays?
Nah. They like, "I give you this dick."
Big dick, b--
Don't laugh, women. Y'all be right there.
"Let me get on this dick right here."
Man, we've been all over, man,
for the past two years,
trying to get this material together
for this Netflix special, man.
We went down to Peoria, Illinois.
When we was down there,
we saw a deaf church.
I ain't never seen that before.
The whole congregation was deaf.
I was like, "Wow. That's tripped out."
But I was like, "That's cool as hell!"
But then I instantly start thinkin',
"I hope the pastor ain't black."
'Cause, you know, black preachers, they
good for sayin', "Y'all don't hear me."
That's what they say.
They say that and they repeat themselves.
That's why black sermons last so long,
because the preacher
keep repeatin' himself.
It's like you're sittin'
through two sermons.
"If you do good, good will come to you.
Y'all don't hear me?
I said, if you do good..."
We'd be like, "We heard you already,
motherfucker! Damn!
You're gonna make us miss the game."
Then I went to Chicago, my hometown.
I went there to go work on some material,
but it was too cold at the time, man.
It was so cold at the time,
my cousin Leslie, he gay,
and he said it was too cold to be gay.
I believed him, too.
'Cause usually he switch when he walk.
And he wasn't switchin' that night.
I was like, "Why you ain't switchin'?"
He was like, "It's too cold
for all that bullshit right now.
I'll find me a man later."
The problem about my cousin,
he won't come out the closet.
We keep tellin' him,
"Just come out the closet, dude.
You're makin' it complicated,
bein' in the closet.
Just come on out the closet, man.
We're gonna treat you the same.
We know you in there.
We hear you ramblin' around
in that motherfucker.
Get the fuck out that closet
and put this goddamn shawl on
so we can go eat."
He always saying gay stuff to me.
He'll be like, "Hey, you."
"Who the fuck you 'Hey you-ing'?"
"See all that mouth you got?
That's why you can't prosper in life.
'Cause of all that mouth you got."
I'm like, "Nigga, what'd I tell you
about talkin' to me with your fingers?"
He like, "Look. You go run your errands.
I'mma go to the gym,
and we gonna meet back here
in about a hour."
I'm like, "Yeah, all right."
He like, "SLAP!"
I'm like, "What the hell was that?"
He like, "Sound Like A Plan."
You better not steal my cousin's shit.
I'd better not see one hashtag.
I'll beat your ass.
I can see it in your faces.
No stealin' shit!
"Bitch, when we leave here,
we goin' to the club."
SLAP!
Then we went down to Atlanta
to work on some material.
Yeah, okay. All right. Huh.
Went down to Atlanta,
had the worst threesome of my life.
I ain't even lying.
Girl came to my show,
she was just like this.
"Yeah, me and my girl,
we was lookin' at you on Instagram.
We was like, "You can get it."
I'm gonna go get my girl.
Maybe we can have a little fun."
I'm like, "Wait, man How your girl look?"
She was like, "She's straight."
I'm like, "Okay."
Nigga.
White people, any time
a black man's story start with...
"Nigga..."
- "Nigga..."
...it ain't good.
This chick was six-seven,
man bun,
had one of them hoopin' backpacks
with just the string as a harness.
You-- You seen 'em,
them backpacks them hoopin' niggas
be wearin', be all flat and flimsy.
This how she walked in the room.
I'm like, "Who y'all about to fuck? Me?
Y'all ain't about to run no train on me.
Fuck that."
Clearly, this motherfucker just scored
a triple double somewhere.
"And now you about to fuck me?
Is you crazy?
Come walkin' in the room.
Sizin' me up.
"Mmkay. Mmkay.
All right, all right.
This who we puttin' that work on?
Him right here? Okay.
Okay. I like Thick Slim right here.
Thick Slim look finer than
a motherfucker, don't he?"
"Thick Slim got my pussy
harder than a motherfucker!"
Why is your pussy hard?
You're not a man, motherfucker.
When she got undressed, she took
her shorts off over her Air Force 1s.
She didn't even unbutton her blouse,
she just pulled it
straight over her head.
It was still wrapped around her arms
like this.
You know, like your nephew do, just...
Bra, everything,
just pulled that shit straight over.
See, I'm like, "I'm done fuckin'
with these Atlanta women."
I lost my phone about a month ago.
Got it back.
I didn't think
I was gonna get it back, neither,
'cause I got one of them wallet phones
you keep your credit card and stuff in.
They told me this white dude turned it in.
I was like, "That's what's up."
See, when white people find shit,
they call Lost and Found.
When black people find shit,
they call...
it "a blessing".
"Thank you, Jesus. I just...
I just told you I cracked my screen
and need a new phone."
Won't He do it?
Won't He will!
Won't He will...
That's the blackest shit ever.
"Won't He will!"
When I said, "Won't He do it?",
do you know who "He" is?
You don't?
He like, "Your inner self?"
When you hear the expression
"Won't He do it?" from black people,
what we talkin' about,
we talkin' about God, okay?
So, next time you hear that, you'll know
we talkin' about God, all right?
So, next time you hear
a black person go, "Won't He do it?",
you go, "Yes, He will."
All right?
Won't He do it?
Yes, He will.
Yes, He will!
Won't He will!
Learned somethin' new today, see?
'Cause they was gonna kill your ass.
It was like, "What did he mean,
he don't know who 'He' is?
Boy, all the good He did done for you,
why-- why don't you--
why don't you know who 'He' is?"
Black people,
don't we love our God, don't we?
Yeah!
- We love our God!
We give God all the glory.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
But some of that glory, God don't want.
God be like, "I ain't do that.
That ain't my glory."
But black people be forcing glory on God.
You ever go somewhere
looking for a parkin' space?
You can't find it.
After a while, you find a parking space
right in front
of the place you was going to.
You be like, "Ooh, thank you, Jesus,
for these parkin' blessings!"
"Parkin' blessings"?
Really?
So, you think God,
with everything He got goin' on,
was lookin' down at you
circle the block 16 motherfuckin' times,
and thought to Himself,
"This woman look pretty dizzy right now.
Let Me hit her
with some parkin' blessings."
That's what you think, huh?
No, motherfucker.
And if you fat as hell,
that was the devil that got that for you.
You should be walkin' them calories off,
goddamn it.
A man could be in the club, just chillin'
against the wall, just chillin'.
All of a sudden, two chicks
walk up to him. "Hey, how you doin'?
Me and my friend were lookin' at you
from across the room,
and we thought you were pretty hot,
so we decided to...
see if you wanted
to have a little three-way fun tonight."
A man will honestly be like,
"Thank you, Jesus."
Again.
You think God is lookin' down at you
in this shitty-ass club,
thinkin' to himself,
"This man been pretty solid lately.
Let me hit him with some bitches.
Slutty bitches!"
You think my God sent you
some slutty bitches?
No, nigga, that ain't God glory!
You run out of weed.
You like, "I gotta drive
all the way over here."
Get in your car.
Put your seat belt on.
Fix your rear view mirror.
Open your ashtray,
find half a blunt.
You like, "Thank you, Jesus.
You know what? I didn't
finish this motherfucker last night.
Boy, what a God we serve,
I'll tell ya.
I don't know what I'd do without Him!
I don't know what I'd do.
I'll tell ya, boy.
Always on time, ain't He?
Always on time.
Always on time...
I ain't got no matches?
Devil is alive.
God wouldn't give me
no smoke without no fire!"
I heard when white men date black women,
they really dig black women.
Like, dark-skinned black women, you know.
'Cause that's the fantasy.
If you get one go-around
with a black woman,
why would you go get
a fair-skinned black woman?
No. You'll go--
You'll go get you a dark woman.
Like, white men ain't fuckin' with
too many Alicia Keys women, you know.
We talkin' Lupita.
Viola Davis.
But that makes sense to me. If you gonna
go black, go black. Don't bullshit.
Don't hit the brakes.
Go all the way black, goddamn it.
Space black!
Balsamic.
Balsamic blacker than a motherfucker?
That makes sense to me.
'Cause if I get me a white girl,
I want me a real white girl.
I don't want no white girl that act black.
That defeat the whole fuckin' purpose
of havin' a white girl.
Got this white girl
talkin' to me like this.
Fuck that. Get me a real white girl.
Give me a motherfucker that makes supper.
I ain't never had supper.
I heard about it.
I heard that shit be on the table
at five o'clock every goddamn day.
Hot and ready.
And they be eatin' it on a supper table,
too. It's a table named after this shit!
I ain't seen the likes of such.
Me and a bunch of black men,
we be eatin' off beds and TV trays,
and newspaper
all our goddamn life.
Food come out about 9:45.
And then what black women do?
Send us straight to bed.
That's why we got
high blood pressure and shit.
Black women been
sendin' us straight to bed
after every goddamn meal for decades.
"You eat that shit and go to bed!"
Our fat-ass kids,
and sugar-foot daddies,
everybody goin' to bed, goddamn it.
You start feedin' us at five o'clock so
we can burn them goddamn calories off.
Remember they was trying to kick
Hispanics out of the country, man?
That was-- I mean, the Hispanics was
walkin' around on eggshells on that shit.
I just knew my gardener was gonna be gone.
Yeah, me and Juan held goodbye
every Wednesday.
We like,"
You take care of yourself
over there, all right?"
'Cause my gardener don't speak no English.
He don't. I text him, I be like,
"Motherfucker,
why you ain't cut my bushes?"
He sent me an emoji like...
Now, he know I'm a comedian,
so he always thinkin' I'm bullshittin'.
I'm like, "Motherfucker, I ain't
bullshittin'! Cut my goddamn bushes."
He sent me another text back that said,
"J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A."
I'm like, "What the fuck
is 'ja, ja, ja, ja... ja, ja, ja, ja?'
Right!"
Slow motherfuckers out here.
Be like, "What 'ja, ja, ja, ja, ja...'?"
Yo, I got some jokes
that I wanna do real quick.
Man, I wrote some jokes down.
See if, see if they work or not.
Hopefully, they work and if they do, cool,
if they don't, then I'll never
see y'all ever again, so...
You ever offer somebody a mint
and they don't take it?
"Mint?"
"I'm good."
"So, what you gonna do?
'Cause something needs to be done and...
if you ain't pull out no mints
and you don't want my mint, like...
should I go, you go?"
Fellas, you ever see a ass
so nice on a woman
you end up meetin' a cool-ass brother?
A woman walk by you with a nice ass,
you be like,
"Ooh, look at that motherfucker there!"
And then you look up and you see a guy
catchin' you lookin' at the ass,
and you be like...
"That motherfucker's a'ight, wasn't it?
She had that motherfucker swingin',
didn't she?
That's her third time walkin' by here,
ain't it?
She work around here, don't she? Yeah.
I seen her last week. Yeah!
Boy, she a bad motherfucker, ain't she?
Yeah, boy.
I'm Deon. What's your name, brother?"
Do big girls get kidnapped?
I never seen one for ransom.
"Get in the car...
Get your ass in the car!"
Would you just get in the car?"
Is Arby's...
actually another way of sayin' "RB",
which is short for "roast beef"?
I apologize for fuckin' you all up
on that right there.
I thought we were here, comically,
but I'll bring it back down. My fault.
It was my-- I-- I assumed we was here,
and we wasn't. I'm sorry.
I'll-- I'll take that off as well.
I was in there eatin' one day, like...
"Wait a minute!"
I got a bad habit I gotta stop.
After sex, I really gotta stop sayin',
"Welp..."
"Welp" is such a final word.
Ain't shit after "welp".
When you hear "welp", it's over.
Ladies, you can use that next time
you go to dinner with a man.
Soon as you finish eatin'
and wipin' your mouth...
"Welp...
you gonna drop a bitch off or what?"
Fuck his whole night up.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Should a dude hold a door for a dyke?
This is a legitimate question.
I try it one day.
I was like, "There you go, ma'am."
She was like, "Walk in, nigga."
I was like, "Damn, bitch."
I did that joke on purpose
just to see what kind of audience this is.
You know, sometimes these audiences,
man, they be so lame.
That's how America is now
when it come to comedy.
Everybody so timid with everything.
So timid and shit.
It's like you can't handle dialogue.
I don't remember how America got so soft.
Everything is fuckin' horrible right now
because of your lame-ass tolerism.
Music suck. Movies suck.
Comedy is the last raw form of expression,
and if you take that away,
everything's fuckin' gone to shit.
Because of what you can't handle.
That shit is fucked up.
And then you try to shun away
people who think differently than you.
I'm not one of them comedians
who gonna sit up here and spoon feed you
all the bullshit
that you wanna hear and shit.
I'm not. You gotta respect the way
another motherfucker think.
The more people that we have
that think differently,
the more opportunity we have for change.
You get what I'm sayin'?
We gotta respect that, man.
I said the word "dyke",
and y'all motherfuckers clammed up, like,
"Ohhhh!"
You don't even know
if it's a bad word or not,
and you clammed up.
You think I'm gonna risk it all
over a motherfuckin' word?
No, motherfucker. I do research when
I write these fuckin' jokes, goddamn it.
I asked Wanda Sykes.
Yes. I worked with Wanda on Black-ish.
I called her up.
I said, "Wanda,
can I say the word 'dyke'?"
She was like, "Yes, nigga.
And stop callin' me this late.
I got kids."
That's the kind of world we live in.
It's so fucked up, man.
And your timid and lame ways, that shit
is tricklin' down to your kids, man.
Your kids is lame as fuck right now.
Got your kid thinkin'
everything he does is great,
and everything everybody else does
is-- is wrong,
and he the most beautifulest
and most talented.
But then, when he get in the real world
and we let him know he suck dick...
...all of a sudden, he on medication.
Be real with your kids.
Let them know everybody drawin'
can't go on the refrigerator.
Some of that shit is drawer-bound,
goddamn it.
You ever go eat sushi with black people?
Black people only order one order.
Shrimp tempura!
That's the black sushi order right there.
They should call it the "nigga roll".
"I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have any more shrimp tempura."
"Mmkay. All right. Mmkay.
Question.
Can you tempura anything else?"
Crab legs, shrimp, catfish, perch,
tilapia, white and ready, snapper,
all nigga fishes.
Black people don't know no other fish.
"I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have any catfish nuggets.
Matter of fact,
we never had catfish nuggets.
We never even knew that catfish...
came...
in nuggets.
But we have a wonderful
Chilean sea bass you might like."
"Okay. All right. Okay.
Question. Um...
Do it got any bones in it?
Don't even worry about it.
Bring that bread.
That bread gonna bust them bones up
when it go down."
That's one thing black people
ain't fuckin' with, fish bones.
Niggas hate fish bones.
Motherfucker dissect-- Black people
dissect the fuck out of some fish,
trying to get them goddamn
fish bones out of there.
Fish look like puddin' when you done.
"... We at McDonald's.
That's a fish filet, motherfucker."
"... I felt the bone in there,
my nigga.
I got kids. I can't be fuckin' around
and dyin' over no fish bones."
You ever see a motherfucker
choke on a fish bone?
Be dramatic and shit, don't it?
"Yeah, I told her-- "
Bone the size of a eyelash...
"Call Pastor."
You ever eat with a group of white people?
Food be free.
They be fightin' over the bill, too.
"Tom. Give me the bill, Tom."
"You paid the last three times, Tom.
Tom, give me the bill."
"This guy. Tom, give me the bill, Tom.
Quit being a prick, man.
Just give me the fuckin' bill, bro.
All right, now here's Uber money
for everyone."
I drove, but I took that Uber money.
Just what real niggas do, you know.
"Yeah, let me get that hot 20
up out you, Tom."
Ever go eat with a group of blacks?
Stressful than a motherfucker.
First of all, when you see the waiter
walk up with just one check,
you automatically like,
"Yeah... dang."
"This motherfucker didn't
separate these motherfuckers?
I told this motherfucker nine times
to separate these motherfuckers."
You ever try to catch your waiter
by himself away from your party?
"Excuse me, you know where
the restrooms are?
Yeah, let me take care of mine right now,
if you don't mind.
Hold it down, nigga. Hold it down. Yeah.
Yeah, just my shit..
What did I have?
The, catfish nuggets."
There's always that one bitch
with a calculator.
"Okay, who had the 17 Moscatos?
Felicia, drunk ass.
Bitch, it was you,
'cause after the 15th one,
I was like, 'Watch this goofy bitch
get two more of them motherfuckers!'"
Love yourself, people.
Love yourself.
Yeah!
Love it.
For what I'm about to say, man,
I ain't lookin' for, like,
validation or nothin' like that.
I just want you to listen to me
and let that shit soak in, a'ight?
For real, like, on some real shit.
Like, love yourself, man, for real.
Motherfuckers ain't lovin' themselves
right now.
I have never seen the suicide rate
the way it is now.
It is at an alarming rate. I'm not trying
to be insensitive to any other race,
I've just never seen it so much
in the black community at all.
I-- It is alarming
how much suicide has taken over
in people's minds,
and in they-- in they lives or whatever.
Because people ain't lovin' themselves.
And I'm gonna tell you something, man.
I blame social media for that shit, too.
For real.
'Cause that shit
will make you feel miserable.
People be on social media,
they be kickin' it.
Women be all out in Cabo,
chillin' on boats and yachts
and wearin' shit,
nails, and bodies glistenin',
everybody abs is tight,
and men poppin' champagne,
and got watches and jewels
all in the camera and shit.
And you at work at your cubicle
lookin' at this shit.
"There's gotta be a better way."
Don't worry about what they doin'.
You gotta realize, man,
it took them probably 20 takes
to get that one that you stressin' over.
You get what I'm sayin'?
You gotta love yourself.
Love yourself.
People ain't lovin' themselves.
Y'all look in the mirror every mornin'
and don't even acknowledge
the most unique thing in this world,
there is not another motherfucker
that look and act like you.
Yeah!
- And what you do is... Hold on.
You don't even acknowledge
how unique you are.
What you do is, you get dressed and go
in the world and be like everybody else.
And that ain't success.
Success is supply and demand.
Givin' people somethin'
they ain't never had before.
And applyin' yourself to whatever you do.
That's what makes you unfireable,
goddamn it.
They can't do what you do.
You get what I'm sayin'?
But you got to love yourself.
Women ain't lovin' themselves--
Women don't really love themselves
like they should.
Especially women.
Y'all be walkin' around here
with-- with phony hair,
eyelashes, phony eyebrows,
and waist trainers and all this.
Then you go to men lookin' for validation.
But I'll let you know this,
if God couldn't make you happy...
Yeah!
...what make you think us men gonna do it?
We can't make you happy.
Just be who you are.
I just want you for you.
Quit tryin' to be like everybody else.
"Ooh, I wanna look like Nicki Minaj."
Well, Nicki don't look like Nicki Minaj.
Now you're tryin' to look like
somethin' that doesn't exist.
You get it? Be you.
I ain't with all that done up.
I ain't in love with the done up.
When I see the done up, I might give you
one compliment, but I ain't with that.
I like the everyday. If your hair
up in a ponytail, you got sweats on,
I'm bangin' your back out
every goddamn day.
'Cause that's what I'mma see every day.
That's what I'm used to.
Just be true to yourself.
Be happy.
Make yourself happy, man.
If they don't like what you got,
they ain't for you.
Yeah!
- You know what I mean?
But you gotta be honest
with yourself, man. You do.
Some of y'all in relationships
you don't want to be in.
Man, why would you stay
in this relationship,
and waste your life away
with a motherfuckin' relationship
that ain't makin' you more money,
ain't makin' you come more,
ain't makin' you smarter, none of that?
Why would you do that?
See, some of y'all
got stuck in relationships.
That's what happened.
See, you married on a level
you should have been passin' in life.
Do you get it?
There's levels in life.
You go through these levels,
and this level take you to this level.
On one of them levels,
you met this motherfucker.
He was amazin', so you married to him,
you got committed to him.
Now you stuck on this level.
He was there before you got there.
He wasn't gonna elevate,
so now you there with him too.
See, what you should have done was realize
that he was only good for that level.
Yeah!
- Not life.
What you should have done was told him,
"Boy, you are amazin', but I'll be back."
And then go through
the rest of these levels.
But it starts with you
bein' honest with yourself.
- Right.
You gotta be honest with yourself.
You gotta tighten up
everything around you, man.
Just stop bein' around everybody.
Don't you understand,
everybody don't deserve to be around you?
They don't.
Usin' you for your moxie and your aura,
your charisma, your security,
your education.
They don't need that.
Stop hangin' around a bunch of liars, too.
Cut these motherfuckers off.
Cut 'em off.
Yeah!
I had this dude around me, always lyin'.
I told him a story that happened to me.
A year later,
this motherfucker told me the same story.
Just applied himself in the story.
Didn't even change
my mama name in the story.
I'm like, "Nigga, Charlene? That's
my mama, nigga. What you talkin' about?"
But it start with you being honest!
You hear me?
Honesty is a motherfucker.
You gotta start bein' honest.
I'm gonna let you know, I've had
some miraculous moments in my life
just from bein' honest.
Why? 'Cause you never know
what another motherfucker's into
until you bein' honest with him, right?
- Yeah.
It brings out
the extraordinariness in you, definitely.
One day, I got a speedin' ticket from
this cop. Finer than a motherfucker.
She gave me the ticket. I'm like, "Damn."
She's like, "What's wrong?"
I was like,
"I wish I could get out this ticket."
She was like, "What you talkin' about?"
And I was like, "Well..."
Now, I was about to crack a joke,
and be on some goofy shit about my mom.
It was like, "You already got the ticket,
you ain't got nothin' else to lose.
Might as well be honest." I was like...
"Well, I was thinkin' maybe
I can, take you to dinner,
and then go eat your pussy all night,
I don't know."
"I don't know."
"I don't know. Just--
Just a suggestion. I don't know."
Guess what she said?
"Follow me."
And I was like, "Thank you, Jesus."
Well, that was
all God's glory on that one!
Not only did I get some ass,
but I saved money.
All from bein' honest.
Gotta start bein' honest with yourself.
That's why I don't understand people,
when they married
or in a committed relationship,
you livin' under the same roof
and you ain't honest with each other,
that's crazy to me!
You watchin' porn when she gone,
sneak and watch porn,
and she watchin' porn when you gone,
and buyin' shoes and hidin' them
in the garage and all that bullshit.
I couldn't live like that!
I'll bust up in the room,
"Bitch, what you in here watchin'?"
What kind of porn you watchin'?
What's in the search bar, bitch?
Let me see.
Don't tell me shit.
I want to see what's in the search bar.
You gonna lie to me.
I wanna see what that search bar say."
And if I'm watchin' porn,
I'mma tell her.
"Baby, get in here!
I wanna show you some shit!
I wanna do this pancake shit right here.
I ain't never did this."
Watch when the men leave here tonight.
"Pancake...
Oooh!"
You gotta be honest.
Honesty!
Honesty is somethin' a lot of people
don't-- don't practice, is honest.
Some of you men in here
jugglin' two women.
If you was honest, you would never know
how that situation might work out.
It might work out in your favor.
Not every woman ain't gonna be
accessible to this type of information,
a lot of women are closed-minded
when it come to this kind of stuff,
they ain't with that.
But some women are.
They'll hear you out and listen to you
if you was being honest,
'cause in the end, even
if she turned you down or whatever,
at least she can never say
that you wasn't honest.
You might be able to go to your girl on
some real shit and be like, "Look, baby,
remember when we broke up?
I started fuckin' around
with this other girl,
and, she good people, man.
All I do is talk about you to her
and, she a good person, for real.
And I think if you met her,
I think y'all would hit it off,
'cause she seem like the type
of motherfucker you'd hang out with.
And if y'all get cool and all three of us
hang out and shit,
maybe a little three-way situation
might happen, you know?
And if you like that little situation,
then, shit,
maybe she can move in, you know?
She could chip in
on the bills around here...
It'd be a win-win on all of us."
You never know!
With an open mind, your girl might
look at that situation and be like,
"You know what?
I do get tired of fucking him sometime.
It would be cool
to have a substitute come in.
You know what? A'ight.
I'm with that.
We can do that.
And while we at it,
I got this nigga that wanna chip in..."
"...a few dollars as well.
Since everybody
chippin' the fuck in around here."
Watch your man be like,
"Bitch, forget everything I just said.
And who's this nigga
chippin' the fuck in around..."
Be honest.
Honesty.
Even with your age, be honest.
If you old, you old.
Just accept it.
I'm old, too. We old.
Just be old, goddamn it.
I'm old, too. I got gray all in my beard
and in my hair, whatever.
I'm old, too, but I promise you this.
I'm gonna be one of the flyest
oldest motherfuckers
you ever seen in your life.
That's right.
Make a young chick ponder.
Be like, "Damn,
he the same age as my dad, but...
I feel so compelled to give him
some pussy. I don't know why."
You old, be old!
Old men be tryin' to get them
a young girl in order to feel young.
Be on YouTube tryin' to learn new dances
to keep up with these young chicks.
Be on there like, "Okay...
Uhhhhh..."
Better stay in your old lane.
This you right here.
This you from now on.
You can dip,
but get your ass right back up.
If you wanna feel young,
don't go get you a young girl.
Go get you an older woman.
Older woman will make you
feel young, goddamn it.
That's what I do.
I keep me a nice vintage piece around.
That's right.
I can't fuck with you
unless you got a ointment drawer.
Ointment bag, cabinet, drawer.
Somethin' dedicated to ointments,
goddamn it.
You know you old when you in the club
and you can't read the receipt.
Start grabbing candles and shit.
"Let me see
that cell phone light real quick."
Take a picture and spread it out.
"Baby, read that. I still can't see that.
If you could read that for me."
You know you old
when your car insurance go down.
I added a whole 'nother car.
They was like, "It's the same."
I was like, "Fuck!
I'm no longer a liability
in these streets!"
We gettin' old.
We'd better live it up.
This shit ain't stoppin' for nobody.
You hear me?
We gettin' old.
Every second, we gettin' old.
Check this out.
We just got old. You saw that?
You'd better live it the fuck up.
You better live your life
to the fullest, you hear me?
Don't you stop for nobody.
Live it up!
Live it up, man,
this motherfucker go fast.
And the older you get,
the faster it go, goddamn it.
Yeah.
- So you'd better live it up.
Who in they 40s? Make some noise.
You got 30 summers left.
That hurt, I know. Right here, didn't it?
It hurt me every time I say it.
You got 30 of these motherfuckers left!
And after this August? 29!
You got 29 of these motherfuckers
to live it up,
run how you wanna run,
eat what you wanna eat,
fuck who you wanna fuck.
You'd better do it to the fullest,
goddamn it.
I learned that from Jenifer Lewis.
I was on set one day,
she said some ignorant shit to me one day.
I was like, "Shut your old ass up."
She was like, "You will not disrespect me
nor my 15 summers."
And then she floated away and shit.
I was like, "I'm sorry, Jenifer!"
Better live it up.
Who in they 50s? Make some noise.
You got 20 summers left.
You'd better live it up.
Especially women. Y'all... Y'all won't be
living y'all lives to the fullest, man.
Y'all always constricting yourselves.
Y'all be like, "I don't do--
No, I don't. Won't. Ain't.
Nope. Never. Ain't. Ever.
Nope. Won't. Won't. Not with you, ever.
Not this bitch. Nope. Ain't.
Nope. Never. Nope. Won't."
Yeah, okay.
You gonna let your "I ain't" years
run into your "you cain't" years.
Then you gonna be tryin'
to throw that pussy at somebody.
And we gonna be like, "!
I don't want that motherfucker.
Man, I asked you for that
seven summers ago."
I wanna correct myself.
I do like young girls,
but they gotta be mature.
They gotta be really, really,
really mature, all right?
I went to go eat
with this young girl one day.
She was like this. "Close your eyes
and open your mouth.
I want you to taste this."
I was like, "Absolutely not, bitch."
She was like, "No, it's delicious.
I just want you to taste it."
I'm like, "No, young bitch, no.
You just can't be puttin' loose shit
in my mouth without me seein' what it is."
She was like,
"I just want to surprise you."
I'm like, "Young bitch, listen, no.
You got to understand that
I chew certain shit with certain teeth.
Hot shit go on this side.
Cold shit go on this side.
Ice go in the back over here.
Bread and gummy bears go up top.
Now, give it to me so I can place it
in the proper area it needs to be in.
Can't just be putting
loose shit in my mouth.
How about if you put the hot shit
on the cold side
and I get to freakin' the fuck out?"
Old shit.
I knew I was old
when I started takin' goin' out naps.
You want me
to hang out with you tonight?
I'mma need a hot five
before we go anywhere.
I'll do it in the car.
I don't even give a fuck.
If I don't, I'mma be in the club
lookin' like I'm on heroin.
Whoo!
You know what the fuck I'm talkin' about.
- Yeah!
Half of y'all motherfuckers took a nap
before you came
in this motherfucker tonight.
"Let me take a nap before I go
see this silly-ass nigga tonight."
You know what kind of women I like?
Women who have curlin' iron burns.
Right here on the forehead.
Ear right there.
Or that wall meat back here on her head.
I like that shit.
'Cause that tells me that she tried
to do her own hair.
Which also tells me
she tried to save money.
And I'll fuck with any woman
tryin' to save money.
Also love big titties.
That's my shit. Big titty--
Whoo, I love me some big titties.
The bigger the better!
That's right.
There's some big ones in here tonight.
I see.
Bang, bang!
Bop, bop, boom.
Bop...
Bop. Bop. bop.
Bop, bop, bop.
Love me some big titties.
The bigger the better.
I like titties so big to the point where,
if I'm sucking your titties
and if I don't taste no deodorant...
I'mma be a little disappointed.
I like deodorant on my titties.
I like when she lay on her back, and
them motherfuckers roll under her arms,
and I lift them up and... mwah!
I know the taste of all deodorants.
Ban, Secret, Lady Mitchum, Degree.
And to all my vintage bitches,
they wear Tussy.
Look at the young girls. "What's Tussy?"
Well, let me explain.
See, deodorant used to come
with a cap on it.
You had to take the cap off,
take your two fingers and do this.
Yeah, huh?
Paved the way for you roll-on hoes.
That's right.
So, you young chicks, when you see
a woman 50 and up, you bow the fuck down.
Be like, "Hello, your Tussy-ness."
Fellas, you ever get head from a older
woman but you still be respectful?
"Ooh! Feels so good, Miss Davis."
"You gonna tell me before you come,
right, boy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Fellas, you ever get that head, it be all
teeth just scraping your shit up, just...
Welps all on your shit, just...
Next time when that happen,
pinch her nose.
Get them teeth right off your dick.
Ain't nowhere for her to breathe.
Next time she doin' that shit,
just be like...
She gonna be like... "Guhh..."
Look at the fellas, like,
"Ooh, I can't wait to try that shit!"
You ever get head from your girl
and she be chokin' on your penis,
but deep down in your soul,
you know your dick
ain't choke-y like that?
Just be honest.
You know your dick ain't chokin'.
You know she doin' it for you.
Dick ain't even touchin' her tongue.
But there she go, all for you.
"Damn, boy!"
You be like, "Awwww!
That's so sweet of you."
Know what the best head
in the world is?
Big girl head.
Oooh! Oooh!
Big girl head the shit!
Love me some big girl head, boy.
Ain't nothin' like it.
Big girls, they be gettin' it in,
too, boy. Big girls be fuckin'.
They do. They do.
Fine motherfuckers, too.
Celebrities. For real.
Like, remember when Usher
had that little sex scandal and shit?
And everybody was like,
"Well, who is this chick?"
Then they showed that big girl.
She had that ponytail sittin' right here.
Everybody was like,
"Get the fuck outta here!"
I was the only motherfucker like,
"No, that's her."
Felt that in my spirit.
I knew it was her.
Skinny women, y'all can learn
a lot from big girls. For real.
Like, tomorrow, like,
talk to your local big girl, like,
you know...
catch her in the parking garage
or somethin'.
Be like, "Hey, Fuquanda, let me
ask you a few questions real quick.
Just wanna go over
a few things with you, yeah"
Big girls are the coolest.
You think I'm playin'. I ain't
dissin' big girls. Big girls are fine, yo.
They-- They be live.
Hang out with you all night.
Be up with you all motherfuckin' night.
Just kickin' it with you and shit,
like, all motherfuckin' night.
They be up all night too,
because, you know,
big girls, they don't sleep well,
you know.
They don't.
They got this shit called sleep--
Apnea!
You knew what the fuck
I was talkin' about.
Skinny women always sleep.
And cold.
Them motherfuckers forever freezin',
ain't they?
They be in the club wearin' a napkin,
get home and get under 76 comforters.
Heat in her car be meltin' your shoes.
You be like,
"Cut the heat off, motherfucker!"
Sinuses always fucked up.
"Where is that noise
comin' from, motherfucker?"
For real, they always sleep.
Call a skinny chick up. Brrrr! Chhh.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, what you doin'?"
"Sleep."
"It's six p.m."
"I know.
I gotta be at work in the morning."
"What time you gotta be at work?"
"11 a.m."
"Ho, how many hours
do your iron-deficient ass need?"
Call the big girl up. Brrrr! Chhh.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, what you doin'?"
"Just sittin' here."
"What time is it?"
"Four a.m."
"What time you gotta be at work?"
"5:30 a.m."
"So..."
Man don't give a fuck.
"So...
can a nigga come through?"
"Boy, you always pull this bullshit.
Call me when you get downstairs."
"I'm already downstairs."
You don't call no big girl, just pull up!
Grab your food from the back of the car
that you bought at the club.
It's all cold and soggy and shit.
Take it upstairs.
Big girl warm shit up for you.
Yeah.
See, skinny chick, she might put your shit
in the microwave
or under one of her comforters.
Big girl? Oven.
Oven shit.
You gotta wait 20 minutes,
but it's worth it.
375!
Big girl magic number there, nigga.
"The fuck. What you eatin'?
You put that motherfucker on 375.
What's them, cornflakes? 375.
Bowl, spoon, milk, all that.
Put it all in there, 375."
You get your fries back, they be
all crispy and shit. You be like...
"Okay. Goddamn. All right.
Damn, how you get my fries
so crispy and shit?
I ain't even buy 'em crispy.
How you get 'em crispy?
And when did you truffle
these motherfuckers? I ain't see that."
Then it's time for that head.
Now, you listen to me. You never put
your big girl on her knees, you hear me?
It's disrespectful.
Plus, it's a lot of stress
on her joints and shit.
You never put her on her knees.
You get her a ottoman.
All big girls deserve ottomans.
And if she been rockin' with you
for a while, upgrade that ottoman.
Throw some wheels
on that motherfucker
so she can circulate around the house
without gettin' up.
Then it's time for that head. She get
on her ottoman, get her legs together.
Now, look, you don't walk to her,
you hear me?
You wait for her to reach out
and grab you.
She gonna reach out, grab you,
and pull you to her, all right?
There's gonna be a little stutter step.
It's like...
And all that givin' head with your hand,
that's skinny bitch shit.
"Yeah..."
Fuck that.
A big girl open your legs up
a little bit like that.
Take they arm, put it through your legs,
palmin' your ass, all that.
You see that?
Grab all that right there.
Grabbin' all that, like that.
Go under there like that.
Grab that motherfucker like that.
And...
"Bam, bam, bam!
Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Shit!
And you can't go nowhere.
That motherfucker
got you on lock, Jack. You--
You be reachin' for shit.
You might as well just grab your fries.
Now, skinny women, don't try
that arm-through-the-leg shit.
You'll dislocate your shoulders.
You gotta have girth.
This shit under here gotta be swingin'.
How many men in here have big girl here?
Make some noise, clap.
Wow.
Me and that nigga right there. That's it.
Y'all just gonna front on me like that?
Wow!
You know I can see who you with, right?
I'mma ask one more time.
Then I'm just gonna start
pointin' motherfuckers the fuck out.
'Cause you brought this on yourself,
goddamn it.
Right here, right here!
Right here! Right here!
How many men in here
has had big girl here?
Make some noise. Round of applause.
A few more claps. All right.
That nigga like, "I'm sorry!"
It's stressful as fuck in here right now.
Big girls like...
"Ain't no big girl over here,
motherfucker!"
Welp...
Yo, I'm Deon Cole.
Thank y'all, Charlotte.
North Carolina...
we are proud to present
Chicago's own Deon Cole!
Charlotte, make some
motherfuckin' noise, y'all.
Thank you so much, man.
I appreciate y'all.
Look, I only got an hour,
so we gotta hurry up
and get into this shit, all right?
So let's get this shit goin'.
White people.
Is there anything you hate
about black people?
Go.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Nothin'? Nothin' at all?
Black people cool as hell, huh?
Ain't nothin' wrong with black people
at all? Y'all want to say nothin'? Huh?
Okay, that's cool.
Watch this.
Black people...
Niggas like, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!
Pick me! Ooh!
Some shit just happened, nigga,
I gotta tell you about it!
I got to tell you about it!"
It's all good, man.
Yo, man, I had to do my shit here
out in Charlotte.
I was around the city
last night kickin' it,
went to this little R&B spot I love.
Like, R&B, like, '90s R&B music,
that's my shit.
'Cause all the music back then,
all the lyrics was about giving women
shit
that you really didn't have to give them,
you know?
Like that one group, After 7,
they had this one song.
The lyrics went
"I give you the sun, the rain,
the moon, the stars and the mountains."
Shit!
Whoo!
This motherfucker
must know God personally to...
just be givin' that away, right?
Ooh! That's-- That's some shit to say
to a motherfucker, ain't it?
"I'll give you the moon, the stars, and
the mountain. I'll give you the world!"
Yes!
- "And all that you wish for.
And even more."
Wow.
Ain't nobody writin' the songs
like that no more.
These young dudes nowadays?
Nah. They like, "I give you this dick."
Big dick, b--
Don't laugh, women. Y'all be right there.
"Let me get on this dick right here."
Man, we've been all over, man,
for the past two years,
trying to get this material together
for this Netflix special, man.
We went down to Peoria, Illinois.
When we was down there,
we saw a deaf church.
I ain't never seen that before.
The whole congregation was deaf.
I was like, "Wow. That's tripped out."
But I was like, "That's cool as hell!"
But then I instantly start thinkin',
"I hope the pastor ain't black."
'Cause, you know, black preachers, they
good for sayin', "Y'all don't hear me."
That's what they say.
They say that and they repeat themselves.
That's why black sermons last so long,
because the preacher
keep repeatin' himself.
It's like you're sittin'
through two sermons.
"If you do good, good will come to you.
Y'all don't hear me?
I said, if you do good..."
We'd be like, "We heard you already,
motherfucker! Damn!
You're gonna make us miss the game."
Then I went to Chicago, my hometown.
I went there to go work on some material,
but it was too cold at the time, man.
It was so cold at the time,
my cousin Leslie, he gay,
and he said it was too cold to be gay.
I believed him, too.
'Cause usually he switch when he walk.
And he wasn't switchin' that night.
I was like, "Why you ain't switchin'?"
He was like, "It's too cold
for all that bullshit right now.
I'll find me a man later."
The problem about my cousin,
he won't come out the closet.
We keep tellin' him,
"Just come out the closet, dude.
You're makin' it complicated,
bein' in the closet.
Just come on out the closet, man.
We're gonna treat you the same.
We know you in there.
We hear you ramblin' around
in that motherfucker.
Get the fuck out that closet
and put this goddamn shawl on
so we can go eat."
He always saying gay stuff to me.
He'll be like, "Hey, you."
"Who the fuck you 'Hey you-ing'?"
"See all that mouth you got?
That's why you can't prosper in life.
'Cause of all that mouth you got."
I'm like, "Nigga, what'd I tell you
about talkin' to me with your fingers?"
He like, "Look. You go run your errands.
I'mma go to the gym,
and we gonna meet back here
in about a hour."
I'm like, "Yeah, all right."
He like, "SLAP!"
I'm like, "What the hell was that?"
He like, "Sound Like A Plan."
You better not steal my cousin's shit.
I'd better not see one hashtag.
I'll beat your ass.
I can see it in your faces.
No stealin' shit!
"Bitch, when we leave here,
we goin' to the club."
SLAP!
Then we went down to Atlanta
to work on some material.
Yeah, okay. All right. Huh.
Went down to Atlanta,
had the worst threesome of my life.
I ain't even lying.
Girl came to my show,
she was just like this.
"Yeah, me and my girl,
we was lookin' at you on Instagram.
We was like, "You can get it."
I'm gonna go get my girl.
Maybe we can have a little fun."
I'm like, "Wait, man How your girl look?"
She was like, "She's straight."
I'm like, "Okay."
Nigga.
White people, any time
a black man's story start with...
"Nigga..."
- "Nigga..."
...it ain't good.
This chick was six-seven,
man bun,
had one of them hoopin' backpacks
with just the string as a harness.
You-- You seen 'em,
them backpacks them hoopin' niggas
be wearin', be all flat and flimsy.
This how she walked in the room.
I'm like, "Who y'all about to fuck? Me?
Y'all ain't about to run no train on me.
Fuck that."
Clearly, this motherfucker just scored
a triple double somewhere.
"And now you about to fuck me?
Is you crazy?
Come walkin' in the room.
Sizin' me up.
"Mmkay. Mmkay.
All right, all right.
This who we puttin' that work on?
Him right here? Okay.
Okay. I like Thick Slim right here.
Thick Slim look finer than
a motherfucker, don't he?"
"Thick Slim got my pussy
harder than a motherfucker!"
Why is your pussy hard?
You're not a man, motherfucker.
When she got undressed, she took
her shorts off over her Air Force 1s.
She didn't even unbutton her blouse,
she just pulled it
straight over her head.
It was still wrapped around her arms
like this.
You know, like your nephew do, just...
Bra, everything,
just pulled that shit straight over.
See, I'm like, "I'm done fuckin'
with these Atlanta women."
I lost my phone about a month ago.
Got it back.
I didn't think
I was gonna get it back, neither,
'cause I got one of them wallet phones
you keep your credit card and stuff in.
They told me this white dude turned it in.
I was like, "That's what's up."
See, when white people find shit,
they call Lost and Found.
When black people find shit,
they call...
it "a blessing".
"Thank you, Jesus. I just...
I just told you I cracked my screen
and need a new phone."
Won't He do it?
Won't He will!
Won't He will...
That's the blackest shit ever.
"Won't He will!"
When I said, "Won't He do it?",
do you know who "He" is?
You don't?
He like, "Your inner self?"
When you hear the expression
"Won't He do it?" from black people,
what we talkin' about,
we talkin' about God, okay?
So, next time you hear that, you'll know
we talkin' about God, all right?
So, next time you hear
a black person go, "Won't He do it?",
you go, "Yes, He will."
All right?
Won't He do it?
Yes, He will.
Yes, He will!
Won't He will!
Learned somethin' new today, see?
'Cause they was gonna kill your ass.
It was like, "What did he mean,
he don't know who 'He' is?
Boy, all the good He did done for you,
why-- why don't you--
why don't you know who 'He' is?"
Black people,
don't we love our God, don't we?
Yeah!
- We love our God!
We give God all the glory.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
But some of that glory, God don't want.
God be like, "I ain't do that.
That ain't my glory."
But black people be forcing glory on God.
You ever go somewhere
looking for a parkin' space?
You can't find it.
After a while, you find a parking space
right in front
of the place you was going to.
You be like, "Ooh, thank you, Jesus,
for these parkin' blessings!"
"Parkin' blessings"?
Really?
So, you think God,
with everything He got goin' on,
was lookin' down at you
circle the block 16 motherfuckin' times,
and thought to Himself,
"This woman look pretty dizzy right now.
Let Me hit her
with some parkin' blessings."
That's what you think, huh?
No, motherfucker.
And if you fat as hell,
that was the devil that got that for you.
You should be walkin' them calories off,
goddamn it.
A man could be in the club, just chillin'
against the wall, just chillin'.
All of a sudden, two chicks
walk up to him. "Hey, how you doin'?
Me and my friend were lookin' at you
from across the room,
and we thought you were pretty hot,
so we decided to...
see if you wanted
to have a little three-way fun tonight."
A man will honestly be like,
"Thank you, Jesus."
Again.
You think God is lookin' down at you
in this shitty-ass club,
thinkin' to himself,
"This man been pretty solid lately.
Let me hit him with some bitches.
Slutty bitches!"
You think my God sent you
some slutty bitches?
No, nigga, that ain't God glory!
You run out of weed.
You like, "I gotta drive
all the way over here."
Get in your car.
Put your seat belt on.
Fix your rear view mirror.
Open your ashtray,
find half a blunt.
You like, "Thank you, Jesus.
You know what? I didn't
finish this motherfucker last night.
Boy, what a God we serve,
I'll tell ya.
I don't know what I'd do without Him!
I don't know what I'd do.
I'll tell ya, boy.
Always on time, ain't He?
Always on time.
Always on time...
I ain't got no matches?
Devil is alive.
God wouldn't give me
no smoke without no fire!"
I heard when white men date black women,
they really dig black women.
Like, dark-skinned black women, you know.
'Cause that's the fantasy.
If you get one go-around
with a black woman,
why would you go get
a fair-skinned black woman?
No. You'll go--
You'll go get you a dark woman.
Like, white men ain't fuckin' with
too many Alicia Keys women, you know.
We talkin' Lupita.
Viola Davis.
But that makes sense to me. If you gonna
go black, go black. Don't bullshit.
Don't hit the brakes.
Go all the way black, goddamn it.
Space black!
Balsamic.
Balsamic blacker than a motherfucker?
That makes sense to me.
'Cause if I get me a white girl,
I want me a real white girl.
I don't want no white girl that act black.
That defeat the whole fuckin' purpose
of havin' a white girl.
Got this white girl
talkin' to me like this.
Fuck that. Get me a real white girl.
Give me a motherfucker that makes supper.
I ain't never had supper.
I heard about it.
I heard that shit be on the table
at five o'clock every goddamn day.
Hot and ready.
And they be eatin' it on a supper table,
too. It's a table named after this shit!
I ain't seen the likes of such.
Me and a bunch of black men,
we be eatin' off beds and TV trays,
and newspaper
all our goddamn life.
Food come out about 9:45.
And then what black women do?
Send us straight to bed.
That's why we got
high blood pressure and shit.
Black women been
sendin' us straight to bed
after every goddamn meal for decades.
"You eat that shit and go to bed!"
Our fat-ass kids,
and sugar-foot daddies,
everybody goin' to bed, goddamn it.
You start feedin' us at five o'clock so
we can burn them goddamn calories off.
Remember they was trying to kick
Hispanics out of the country, man?
That was-- I mean, the Hispanics was
walkin' around on eggshells on that shit.
I just knew my gardener was gonna be gone.
Yeah, me and Juan held goodbye
every Wednesday.
We like,"
You take care of yourself
over there, all right?"
'Cause my gardener don't speak no English.
He don't. I text him, I be like,
"Motherfucker,
why you ain't cut my bushes?"
He sent me an emoji like...
Now, he know I'm a comedian,
so he always thinkin' I'm bullshittin'.
I'm like, "Motherfucker, I ain't
bullshittin'! Cut my goddamn bushes."
He sent me another text back that said,
"J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A."
I'm like, "What the fuck
is 'ja, ja, ja, ja... ja, ja, ja, ja?'
Right!"
Slow motherfuckers out here.
Be like, "What 'ja, ja, ja, ja, ja...'?"
Yo, I got some jokes
that I wanna do real quick.
Man, I wrote some jokes down.
See if, see if they work or not.
Hopefully, they work and if they do, cool,
if they don't, then I'll never
see y'all ever again, so...
You ever offer somebody a mint
and they don't take it?
"Mint?"
"I'm good."
"So, what you gonna do?
'Cause something needs to be done and...
if you ain't pull out no mints
and you don't want my mint, like...
should I go, you go?"
Fellas, you ever see a ass
so nice on a woman
you end up meetin' a cool-ass brother?
A woman walk by you with a nice ass,
you be like,
"Ooh, look at that motherfucker there!"
And then you look up and you see a guy
catchin' you lookin' at the ass,
and you be like...
"That motherfucker's a'ight, wasn't it?
She had that motherfucker swingin',
didn't she?
That's her third time walkin' by here,
ain't it?
She work around here, don't she? Yeah.
I seen her last week. Yeah!
Boy, she a bad motherfucker, ain't she?
Yeah, boy.
I'm Deon. What's your name, brother?"
Do big girls get kidnapped?
I never seen one for ransom.
"Get in the car...
Get your ass in the car!"
Would you just get in the car?"
Is Arby's...
actually another way of sayin' "RB",
which is short for "roast beef"?
I apologize for fuckin' you all up
on that right there.
I thought we were here, comically,
but I'll bring it back down. My fault.
It was my-- I-- I assumed we was here,
and we wasn't. I'm sorry.
I'll-- I'll take that off as well.
I was in there eatin' one day, like...
"Wait a minute!"
I got a bad habit I gotta stop.
After sex, I really gotta stop sayin',
"Welp..."
"Welp" is such a final word.
Ain't shit after "welp".
When you hear "welp", it's over.
Ladies, you can use that next time
you go to dinner with a man.
Soon as you finish eatin'
and wipin' your mouth...
"Welp...
you gonna drop a bitch off or what?"
Fuck his whole night up.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Should a dude hold a door for a dyke?
This is a legitimate question.
I try it one day.
I was like, "There you go, ma'am."
She was like, "Walk in, nigga."
I was like, "Damn, bitch."
I did that joke on purpose
just to see what kind of audience this is.
You know, sometimes these audiences,
man, they be so lame.
That's how America is now
when it come to comedy.
Everybody so timid with everything.
So timid and shit.
It's like you can't handle dialogue.
I don't remember how America got so soft.
Everything is fuckin' horrible right now
because of your lame-ass tolerism.
Music suck. Movies suck.
Comedy is the last raw form of expression,
and if you take that away,
everything's fuckin' gone to shit.
Because of what you can't handle.
That shit is fucked up.
And then you try to shun away
people who think differently than you.
I'm not one of them comedians
who gonna sit up here and spoon feed you
all the bullshit
that you wanna hear and shit.
I'm not. You gotta respect the way
another motherfucker think.
The more people that we have
that think differently,
the more opportunity we have for change.
You get what I'm sayin'?
We gotta respect that, man.
I said the word "dyke",
and y'all motherfuckers clammed up, like,
"Ohhhh!"
You don't even know
if it's a bad word or not,
and you clammed up.
You think I'm gonna risk it all
over a motherfuckin' word?
No, motherfucker. I do research when
I write these fuckin' jokes, goddamn it.
I asked Wanda Sykes.
Yes. I worked with Wanda on Black-ish.
I called her up.
I said, "Wanda,
can I say the word 'dyke'?"
She was like, "Yes, nigga.
And stop callin' me this late.
I got kids."
That's the kind of world we live in.
It's so fucked up, man.
And your timid and lame ways, that shit
is tricklin' down to your kids, man.
Your kids is lame as fuck right now.
Got your kid thinkin'
everything he does is great,
and everything everybody else does
is-- is wrong,
and he the most beautifulest
and most talented.
But then, when he get in the real world
and we let him know he suck dick...
...all of a sudden, he on medication.
Be real with your kids.
Let them know everybody drawin'
can't go on the refrigerator.
Some of that shit is drawer-bound,
goddamn it.
You ever go eat sushi with black people?
Black people only order one order.
Shrimp tempura!
That's the black sushi order right there.
They should call it the "nigga roll".
"I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have any more shrimp tempura."
"Mmkay. All right. Mmkay.
Question.
Can you tempura anything else?"
Crab legs, shrimp, catfish, perch,
tilapia, white and ready, snapper,
all nigga fishes.
Black people don't know no other fish.
"I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have any catfish nuggets.
Matter of fact,
we never had catfish nuggets.
We never even knew that catfish...
came...
in nuggets.
But we have a wonderful
Chilean sea bass you might like."
"Okay. All right. Okay.
Question. Um...
Do it got any bones in it?
Don't even worry about it.
Bring that bread.
That bread gonna bust them bones up
when it go down."
That's one thing black people
ain't fuckin' with, fish bones.
Niggas hate fish bones.
Motherfucker dissect-- Black people
dissect the fuck out of some fish,
trying to get them goddamn
fish bones out of there.
Fish look like puddin' when you done.
"... We at McDonald's.
That's a fish filet, motherfucker."
"... I felt the bone in there,
my nigga.
I got kids. I can't be fuckin' around
and dyin' over no fish bones."
You ever see a motherfucker
choke on a fish bone?
Be dramatic and shit, don't it?
"Yeah, I told her-- "
Bone the size of a eyelash...
"Call Pastor."
You ever eat with a group of white people?
Food be free.
They be fightin' over the bill, too.
"Tom. Give me the bill, Tom."
"You paid the last three times, Tom.
Tom, give me the bill."
"This guy. Tom, give me the bill, Tom.
Quit being a prick, man.
Just give me the fuckin' bill, bro.
All right, now here's Uber money
for everyone."
I drove, but I took that Uber money.
Just what real niggas do, you know.
"Yeah, let me get that hot 20
up out you, Tom."
Ever go eat with a group of blacks?
Stressful than a motherfucker.
First of all, when you see the waiter
walk up with just one check,
you automatically like,
"Yeah... dang."
"This motherfucker didn't
separate these motherfuckers?
I told this motherfucker nine times
to separate these motherfuckers."
You ever try to catch your waiter
by himself away from your party?
"Excuse me, you know where
the restrooms are?
Yeah, let me take care of mine right now,
if you don't mind.
Hold it down, nigga. Hold it down. Yeah.
Yeah, just my shit..
What did I have?
The, catfish nuggets."
There's always that one bitch
with a calculator.
"Okay, who had the 17 Moscatos?
Felicia, drunk ass.
Bitch, it was you,
'cause after the 15th one,
I was like, 'Watch this goofy bitch
get two more of them motherfuckers!'"
Love yourself, people.
Love yourself.
Yeah!
Love it.
For what I'm about to say, man,
I ain't lookin' for, like,
validation or nothin' like that.
I just want you to listen to me
and let that shit soak in, a'ight?
For real, like, on some real shit.
Like, love yourself, man, for real.
Motherfuckers ain't lovin' themselves
right now.
I have never seen the suicide rate
the way it is now.
It is at an alarming rate. I'm not trying
to be insensitive to any other race,
I've just never seen it so much
in the black community at all.
I-- It is alarming
how much suicide has taken over
in people's minds,
and in they-- in they lives or whatever.
Because people ain't lovin' themselves.
And I'm gonna tell you something, man.
I blame social media for that shit, too.
For real.
'Cause that shit
will make you feel miserable.
People be on social media,
they be kickin' it.
Women be all out in Cabo,
chillin' on boats and yachts
and wearin' shit,
nails, and bodies glistenin',
everybody abs is tight,
and men poppin' champagne,
and got watches and jewels
all in the camera and shit.
And you at work at your cubicle
lookin' at this shit.
"There's gotta be a better way."
Don't worry about what they doin'.
You gotta realize, man,
it took them probably 20 takes
to get that one that you stressin' over.
You get what I'm sayin'?
You gotta love yourself.
Love yourself.
People ain't lovin' themselves.
Y'all look in the mirror every mornin'
and don't even acknowledge
the most unique thing in this world,
there is not another motherfucker
that look and act like you.
Yeah!
- And what you do is... Hold on.
You don't even acknowledge
how unique you are.
What you do is, you get dressed and go
in the world and be like everybody else.
And that ain't success.
Success is supply and demand.
Givin' people somethin'
they ain't never had before.
And applyin' yourself to whatever you do.
That's what makes you unfireable,
goddamn it.
They can't do what you do.
You get what I'm sayin'?
But you got to love yourself.
Women ain't lovin' themselves--
Women don't really love themselves
like they should.
Especially women.
Y'all be walkin' around here
with-- with phony hair,
eyelashes, phony eyebrows,
and waist trainers and all this.
Then you go to men lookin' for validation.
But I'll let you know this,
if God couldn't make you happy...
Yeah!
...what make you think us men gonna do it?
We can't make you happy.
Just be who you are.
I just want you for you.
Quit tryin' to be like everybody else.
"Ooh, I wanna look like Nicki Minaj."
Well, Nicki don't look like Nicki Minaj.
Now you're tryin' to look like
somethin' that doesn't exist.
You get it? Be you.
I ain't with all that done up.
I ain't in love with the done up.
When I see the done up, I might give you
one compliment, but I ain't with that.
I like the everyday. If your hair
up in a ponytail, you got sweats on,
I'm bangin' your back out
every goddamn day.
'Cause that's what I'mma see every day.
That's what I'm used to.
Just be true to yourself.
Be happy.
Make yourself happy, man.
If they don't like what you got,
they ain't for you.
Yeah!
- You know what I mean?
But you gotta be honest
with yourself, man. You do.
Some of y'all in relationships
you don't want to be in.
Man, why would you stay
in this relationship,
and waste your life away
with a motherfuckin' relationship
that ain't makin' you more money,
ain't makin' you come more,
ain't makin' you smarter, none of that?
Why would you do that?
See, some of y'all
got stuck in relationships.
That's what happened.
See, you married on a level
you should have been passin' in life.
Do you get it?
There's levels in life.
You go through these levels,
and this level take you to this level.
On one of them levels,
you met this motherfucker.
He was amazin', so you married to him,
you got committed to him.
Now you stuck on this level.
He was there before you got there.
He wasn't gonna elevate,
so now you there with him too.
See, what you should have done was realize
that he was only good for that level.
Yeah!
- Not life.
What you should have done was told him,
"Boy, you are amazin', but I'll be back."
And then go through
the rest of these levels.
But it starts with you
bein' honest with yourself.
- Right.
You gotta be honest with yourself.
You gotta tighten up
everything around you, man.
Just stop bein' around everybody.
Don't you understand,
everybody don't deserve to be around you?
They don't.
Usin' you for your moxie and your aura,
your charisma, your security,
your education.
They don't need that.
Stop hangin' around a bunch of liars, too.
Cut these motherfuckers off.
Cut 'em off.
Yeah!
I had this dude around me, always lyin'.
I told him a story that happened to me.
A year later,
this motherfucker told me the same story.
Just applied himself in the story.
Didn't even change
my mama name in the story.
I'm like, "Nigga, Charlene? That's
my mama, nigga. What you talkin' about?"
But it start with you being honest!
You hear me?
Honesty is a motherfucker.
You gotta start bein' honest.
I'm gonna let you know, I've had
some miraculous moments in my life
just from bein' honest.
Why? 'Cause you never know
what another motherfucker's into
until you bein' honest with him, right?
- Yeah.
It brings out
the extraordinariness in you, definitely.
One day, I got a speedin' ticket from
this cop. Finer than a motherfucker.
She gave me the ticket. I'm like, "Damn."
She's like, "What's wrong?"
I was like,
"I wish I could get out this ticket."
She was like, "What you talkin' about?"
And I was like, "Well..."
Now, I was about to crack a joke,
and be on some goofy shit about my mom.
It was like, "You already got the ticket,
you ain't got nothin' else to lose.
Might as well be honest." I was like...
"Well, I was thinkin' maybe
I can, take you to dinner,
and then go eat your pussy all night,
I don't know."
"I don't know."
"I don't know. Just--
Just a suggestion. I don't know."
Guess what she said?
"Follow me."
And I was like, "Thank you, Jesus."
Well, that was
all God's glory on that one!
Not only did I get some ass,
but I saved money.
All from bein' honest.
Gotta start bein' honest with yourself.
That's why I don't understand people,
when they married
or in a committed relationship,
you livin' under the same roof
and you ain't honest with each other,
that's crazy to me!
You watchin' porn when she gone,
sneak and watch porn,
and she watchin' porn when you gone,
and buyin' shoes and hidin' them
in the garage and all that bullshit.
I couldn't live like that!
I'll bust up in the room,
"Bitch, what you in here watchin'?"
What kind of porn you watchin'?
What's in the search bar, bitch?
Let me see.
Don't tell me shit.
I want to see what's in the search bar.
You gonna lie to me.
I wanna see what that search bar say."
And if I'm watchin' porn,
I'mma tell her.
"Baby, get in here!
I wanna show you some shit!
I wanna do this pancake shit right here.
I ain't never did this."
Watch when the men leave here tonight.
"Pancake...
Oooh!"
You gotta be honest.
Honesty!
Honesty is somethin' a lot of people
don't-- don't practice, is honest.
Some of you men in here
jugglin' two women.
If you was honest, you would never know
how that situation might work out.
It might work out in your favor.
Not every woman ain't gonna be
accessible to this type of information,
a lot of women are closed-minded
when it come to this kind of stuff,
they ain't with that.
But some women are.
They'll hear you out and listen to you
if you was being honest,
'cause in the end, even
if she turned you down or whatever,
at least she can never say
that you wasn't honest.
You might be able to go to your girl on
some real shit and be like, "Look, baby,
remember when we broke up?
I started fuckin' around
with this other girl,
and, she good people, man.
All I do is talk about you to her
and, she a good person, for real.
And I think if you met her,
I think y'all would hit it off,
'cause she seem like the type
of motherfucker you'd hang out with.
And if y'all get cool and all three of us
hang out and shit,
maybe a little three-way situation
might happen, you know?
And if you like that little situation,
then, shit,
maybe she can move in, you know?
She could chip in
on the bills around here...
It'd be a win-win on all of us."
You never know!
With an open mind, your girl might
look at that situation and be like,
"You know what?
I do get tired of fucking him sometime.
It would be cool
to have a substitute come in.
You know what? A'ight.
I'm with that.
We can do that.
And while we at it,
I got this nigga that wanna chip in..."
"...a few dollars as well.
Since everybody
chippin' the fuck in around here."
Watch your man be like,
"Bitch, forget everything I just said.
And who's this nigga
chippin' the fuck in around..."
Be honest.
Honesty.
Even with your age, be honest.
If you old, you old.
Just accept it.
I'm old, too. We old.
Just be old, goddamn it.
I'm old, too. I got gray all in my beard
and in my hair, whatever.
I'm old, too, but I promise you this.
I'm gonna be one of the flyest
oldest motherfuckers
you ever seen in your life.
That's right.
Make a young chick ponder.
Be like, "Damn,
he the same age as my dad, but...
I feel so compelled to give him
some pussy. I don't know why."
You old, be old!
Old men be tryin' to get them
a young girl in order to feel young.
Be on YouTube tryin' to learn new dances
to keep up with these young chicks.
Be on there like, "Okay...
Uhhhhh..."
Better stay in your old lane.
This you right here.
This you from now on.
You can dip,
but get your ass right back up.
If you wanna feel young,
don't go get you a young girl.
Go get you an older woman.
Older woman will make you
feel young, goddamn it.
That's what I do.
I keep me a nice vintage piece around.
That's right.
I can't fuck with you
unless you got a ointment drawer.
Ointment bag, cabinet, drawer.
Somethin' dedicated to ointments,
goddamn it.
You know you old when you in the club
and you can't read the receipt.
Start grabbing candles and shit.
"Let me see
that cell phone light real quick."
Take a picture and spread it out.
"Baby, read that. I still can't see that.
If you could read that for me."
You know you old
when your car insurance go down.
I added a whole 'nother car.
They was like, "It's the same."
I was like, "Fuck!
I'm no longer a liability
in these streets!"
We gettin' old.
We'd better live it up.
This shit ain't stoppin' for nobody.
You hear me?
We gettin' old.
Every second, we gettin' old.
Check this out.
We just got old. You saw that?
You'd better live it the fuck up.
You better live your life
to the fullest, you hear me?
Don't you stop for nobody.
Live it up!
Live it up, man,
this motherfucker go fast.
And the older you get,
the faster it go, goddamn it.
Yeah.
- So you'd better live it up.
Who in they 40s? Make some noise.
You got 30 summers left.
That hurt, I know. Right here, didn't it?
It hurt me every time I say it.
You got 30 of these motherfuckers left!
And after this August? 29!
You got 29 of these motherfuckers
to live it up,
run how you wanna run,
eat what you wanna eat,
fuck who you wanna fuck.
You'd better do it to the fullest,
goddamn it.
I learned that from Jenifer Lewis.
I was on set one day,
she said some ignorant shit to me one day.
I was like, "Shut your old ass up."
She was like, "You will not disrespect me
nor my 15 summers."
And then she floated away and shit.
I was like, "I'm sorry, Jenifer!"
Better live it up.
Who in they 50s? Make some noise.
You got 20 summers left.
You'd better live it up.
Especially women. Y'all... Y'all won't be
living y'all lives to the fullest, man.
Y'all always constricting yourselves.
Y'all be like, "I don't do--
No, I don't. Won't. Ain't.
Nope. Never. Ain't. Ever.
Nope. Won't. Won't. Not with you, ever.
Not this bitch. Nope. Ain't.
Nope. Never. Nope. Won't."
Yeah, okay.
You gonna let your "I ain't" years
run into your "you cain't" years.
Then you gonna be tryin'
to throw that pussy at somebody.
And we gonna be like, "!
I don't want that motherfucker.
Man, I asked you for that
seven summers ago."
I wanna correct myself.
I do like young girls,
but they gotta be mature.
They gotta be really, really,
really mature, all right?
I went to go eat
with this young girl one day.
She was like this. "Close your eyes
and open your mouth.
I want you to taste this."
I was like, "Absolutely not, bitch."
She was like, "No, it's delicious.
I just want you to taste it."
I'm like, "No, young bitch, no.
You just can't be puttin' loose shit
in my mouth without me seein' what it is."
She was like,
"I just want to surprise you."
I'm like, "Young bitch, listen, no.
You got to understand that
I chew certain shit with certain teeth.
Hot shit go on this side.
Cold shit go on this side.
Ice go in the back over here.
Bread and gummy bears go up top.
Now, give it to me so I can place it
in the proper area it needs to be in.
Can't just be putting
loose shit in my mouth.
How about if you put the hot shit
on the cold side
and I get to freakin' the fuck out?"
Old shit.
I knew I was old
when I started takin' goin' out naps.
You want me
to hang out with you tonight?
I'mma need a hot five
before we go anywhere.
I'll do it in the car.
I don't even give a fuck.
If I don't, I'mma be in the club
lookin' like I'm on heroin.
Whoo!
You know what the fuck I'm talkin' about.
- Yeah!
Half of y'all motherfuckers took a nap
before you came
in this motherfucker tonight.
"Let me take a nap before I go
see this silly-ass nigga tonight."
You know what kind of women I like?
Women who have curlin' iron burns.
Right here on the forehead.
Ear right there.
Or that wall meat back here on her head.
I like that shit.
'Cause that tells me that she tried
to do her own hair.
Which also tells me
she tried to save money.
And I'll fuck with any woman
tryin' to save money.
Also love big titties.
That's my shit. Big titty--
Whoo, I love me some big titties.
The bigger the better!
That's right.
There's some big ones in here tonight.
I see.
Bang, bang!
Bop, bop, boom.
Bop...
Bop. Bop. bop.
Bop, bop, bop.
Love me some big titties.
The bigger the better.
I like titties so big to the point where,
if I'm sucking your titties
and if I don't taste no deodorant...
I'mma be a little disappointed.
I like deodorant on my titties.
I like when she lay on her back, and
them motherfuckers roll under her arms,
and I lift them up and... mwah!
I know the taste of all deodorants.
Ban, Secret, Lady Mitchum, Degree.
And to all my vintage bitches,
they wear Tussy.
Look at the young girls. "What's Tussy?"
Well, let me explain.
See, deodorant used to come
with a cap on it.
You had to take the cap off,
take your two fingers and do this.
Yeah, huh?
Paved the way for you roll-on hoes.
That's right.
So, you young chicks, when you see
a woman 50 and up, you bow the fuck down.
Be like, "Hello, your Tussy-ness."
Fellas, you ever get head from a older
woman but you still be respectful?
"Ooh! Feels so good, Miss Davis."
"You gonna tell me before you come,
right, boy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Fellas, you ever get that head, it be all
teeth just scraping your shit up, just...
Welps all on your shit, just...
Next time when that happen,
pinch her nose.
Get them teeth right off your dick.
Ain't nowhere for her to breathe.
Next time she doin' that shit,
just be like...
She gonna be like... "Guhh..."
Look at the fellas, like,
"Ooh, I can't wait to try that shit!"
You ever get head from your girl
and she be chokin' on your penis,
but deep down in your soul,
you know your dick
ain't choke-y like that?
Just be honest.
You know your dick ain't chokin'.
You know she doin' it for you.
Dick ain't even touchin' her tongue.
But there she go, all for you.
"Damn, boy!"
You be like, "Awwww!
That's so sweet of you."
Know what the best head
in the world is?
Big girl head.
Oooh! Oooh!
Big girl head the shit!
Love me some big girl head, boy.
Ain't nothin' like it.
Big girls, they be gettin' it in,
too, boy. Big girls be fuckin'.
They do. They do.
Fine motherfuckers, too.
Celebrities. For real.
Like, remember when Usher
had that little sex scandal and shit?
And everybody was like,
"Well, who is this chick?"
Then they showed that big girl.
She had that ponytail sittin' right here.
Everybody was like,
"Get the fuck outta here!"
I was the only motherfucker like,
"No, that's her."
Felt that in my spirit.
I knew it was her.
Skinny women, y'all can learn
a lot from big girls. For real.
Like, tomorrow, like,
talk to your local big girl, like,
you know...
catch her in the parking garage
or somethin'.
Be like, "Hey, Fuquanda, let me
ask you a few questions real quick.
Just wanna go over
a few things with you, yeah"
Big girls are the coolest.
You think I'm playin'. I ain't
dissin' big girls. Big girls are fine, yo.
They-- They be live.
Hang out with you all night.
Be up with you all motherfuckin' night.
Just kickin' it with you and shit,
like, all motherfuckin' night.
They be up all night too,
because, you know,
big girls, they don't sleep well,
you know.
They don't.
They got this shit called sleep--
Apnea!
You knew what the fuck
I was talkin' about.
Skinny women always sleep.
And cold.
Them motherfuckers forever freezin',
ain't they?
They be in the club wearin' a napkin,
get home and get under 76 comforters.
Heat in her car be meltin' your shoes.
You be like,
"Cut the heat off, motherfucker!"
Sinuses always fucked up.
"Where is that noise
comin' from, motherfucker?"
For real, they always sleep.
Call a skinny chick up. Brrrr! Chhh.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, what you doin'?"
"Sleep."
"It's six p.m."
"I know.
I gotta be at work in the morning."
"What time you gotta be at work?"
"11 a.m."
"Ho, how many hours
do your iron-deficient ass need?"
Call the big girl up. Brrrr! Chhh.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, what you doin'?"
"Just sittin' here."
"What time is it?"
"Four a.m."
"What time you gotta be at work?"
"5:30 a.m."
"So..."
Man don't give a fuck.
"So...
can a nigga come through?"
"Boy, you always pull this bullshit.
Call me when you get downstairs."
"I'm already downstairs."
You don't call no big girl, just pull up!
Grab your food from the back of the car
that you bought at the club.
It's all cold and soggy and shit.
Take it upstairs.
Big girl warm shit up for you.
Yeah.
See, skinny chick, she might put your shit
in the microwave
or under one of her comforters.
Big girl? Oven.
Oven shit.
You gotta wait 20 minutes,
but it's worth it.
375!
Big girl magic number there, nigga.
"The fuck. What you eatin'?
You put that motherfucker on 375.
What's them, cornflakes? 375.
Bowl, spoon, milk, all that.
Put it all in there, 375."
You get your fries back, they be
all crispy and shit. You be like...
"Okay. Goddamn. All right.
Damn, how you get my fries
so crispy and shit?
I ain't even buy 'em crispy.
How you get 'em crispy?
And when did you truffle
these motherfuckers? I ain't see that."
Then it's time for that head.
Now, you listen to me. You never put
your big girl on her knees, you hear me?
It's disrespectful.
Plus, it's a lot of stress
on her joints and shit.
You never put her on her knees.
You get her a ottoman.
All big girls deserve ottomans.
And if she been rockin' with you
for a while, upgrade that ottoman.
Throw some wheels
on that motherfucker
so she can circulate around the house
without gettin' up.
Then it's time for that head. She get
on her ottoman, get her legs together.
Now, look, you don't walk to her,
you hear me?
You wait for her to reach out
and grab you.
She gonna reach out, grab you,
and pull you to her, all right?
There's gonna be a little stutter step.
It's like...
And all that givin' head with your hand,
that's skinny bitch shit.
"Yeah..."
Fuck that.
A big girl open your legs up
a little bit like that.
Take they arm, put it through your legs,
palmin' your ass, all that.
You see that?
Grab all that right there.
Grabbin' all that, like that.
Go under there like that.
Grab that motherfucker like that.
And...
"Bam, bam, bam!
Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Shit!
And you can't go nowhere.
That motherfucker
got you on lock, Jack. You--
You be reachin' for shit.
You might as well just grab your fries.
Now, skinny women, don't try
that arm-through-the-leg shit.
You'll dislocate your shoulders.
You gotta have girth.
This shit under here gotta be swingin'.
How many men in here have big girl here?
Make some noise, clap.
Wow.
Me and that nigga right there. That's it.
Y'all just gonna front on me like that?
Wow!
You know I can see who you with, right?
I'mma ask one more time.
Then I'm just gonna start
pointin' motherfuckers the fuck out.
'Cause you brought this on yourself,
goddamn it.
Right here, right here!
Right here! Right here!
How many men in here
has had big girl here?
Make some noise. Round of applause.
A few more claps. All right.
That nigga like, "I'm sorry!"
It's stressful as fuck in here right now.
Big girls like...
"Ain't no big girl over here,
motherfucker!"
Welp...
Yo, I'm Deon Cole.
Thank y'all, Charlotte.