Devil's Workshop (2022) Movie Script
1
And I am your host on
The Lost Dimension.
Now, tell me brave viewers,
what scares you the most?
Ghosts, demons, UFOs?
Or you simply give yourself
the heebie-jeebies?
Well, on tonight's episode,
a visitor comes knocking.
Whether it'd be in human form?
Well, you're gonna have
to hold your breath.
[intense music playing]
When I was a little boy,
I got food poisoning
at school one day,
and I received permission
from one of my teachers
to go home early.
And I come home...
then I start hearing
strange noises coming from
upstairs in my parent's room.
It scared me half to death,
you know, I turned white.
I didn't know what to do, so...
I went and got a big knife.
Same knife my dad used to cut
the Thanksgiving Day turkey.
And I could hear my mom's
screams getting louder and
louder,
and I knew she was in trouble.
It was like she was staring
death in the face.
And so I opened
the bedroom door...
then I saw a large man
in his ski mask
fucking my mom.
So, I started stabbing this guy
over and over and over.
But... it was a mistake.
A terrible mistake.
It turns out the man that
I slaughtered was my own dad.
They were role playing.
[sighs]
Went home from food poisoning
and end up murdering
my own father.
It was all very
embarrassing for me.
But isn't life just
a one big embarrassment?
[beeping]
I'll be honest,
your talent's more impressive
than your resume.
Uh, thanks. Thank you.
- Really great.
- Thank you.
- A little about the role.
- Mmm.
[man] This scene takes place
in the character's childhood.
This is one of the things
that led him down the path
to demon studies.
Funnily enough,
it's actually based on
the very same demonologist
- that performed
an exorcism on my wife.
- [chuckles]
He's a tortured,
troubled man with a dark past.
I need an actor to rip their
soul out and put it on screen,
not just get high
and collect a paycheck.
Well, I don't smoke. So...
No. But, yeah, no,
I can do that...
if you could cast me,
or whatever, in this. Or...
Are we done?
Okay. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [man] Clayton!
Hey! Clayton!
Oh, my gosh, you fucking--
- Donald! What's up, man?
- Studly!
Doe-eyed motherfucker!
How are you, buddy? Mm!
Life's good, dude.
Just, yeah, yeah, existing. You?
- Existing?
- Yeah.
Wow! The gratitude is just
exploding out of you right now.
- Okay.
- No, I'm good man.
- I'm fucking busy, dude.
- Yeah?
Yeah. How are you though?
You're looking pretty svelte.
You good? You malnourished?
You gettin' all your vitamins?
- I'm worried.
- Yeah. I'm good, dude.
I'm good. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Donald, I'm good.
Just, just, you know,
been auditioning a bunch.
- Uh-huh.
- And then looking for...
looking for some new headshots,
or something.
- I'm sure.
- Do you have a phone call? Or--
- No, no.
- What's going on?
I, you know, it's crazy.
I didn't know that you would--
I mean, they were
going this way on this part.
I'm just--
I sincerely hope that at some
point this year you do work.
- Thanks, Donald.
It was good to see--
- No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, for real, for real.
This is just
a side racket for me.
I make all my paper
on this fucking thing right now.
And it is sad.
I need it. I want it.
I have to do it.
I fucking love it, too.
You know what I mean?
But you're a real fucking--
You know, you're a real artist,
Clayton.
- You are. You're a real artist.
- Yeah.
I bet you fucking make yourself
cry in the bedroom, don't you?
You do the bedroom break down.
Do you? Is that what you do?
Do you do the bedroom breakdown?
- Hey!
- Hey! There she is.
[woman chuckles]
Wow. Oh, my God!
Looking tight as hell.
[woman] You're lucky
you have a cute face.
[Donald] You're lucky
you have a boyfriend.
[beeping]
[voicemail]
Hi, Clayton. It's Aunty Sherry.
Wanted to check in
to see how you're doing.
Oh, wow!
I'm looking at photos of you
and your mom right now.
Oh, this one is...
[laughing]
You are so adorable.
Such a little tiny pee-pee
in the bathtub with your mommy.
I visited your mom
the other day.
Left some new flowers
by her grave.
Remember that song
she always used to sing to you?
Greensleeves?
Remember that song?
It was so fucking annoying.
But you loved it. It was sweet.
Anyway-- oh!
Your NCSI episode,
I watched it.
It was terrific.
I am shocked how good it was.
And I can't believe that they
cut you out of it entirely.
Okay, bye-bye.
[message beeping]
Alas
My love you do me wrong
To cast me off
Discourteously
For I have loved you
so long
Delighted in your...
[woman moaning]
Underneath Greensleeves
Was all my heart--
- [banging]
- [woman moaning]
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves
my heart of joy
And who but my lady
Greensleeves
- [woman] You're happy.
- [man] I'm happy.
- [woman] You're happy.
- [man] I'm happy.
- You're funny.
- I'm funny?
- You're funny.
- I'm funny.
- You're funny.
- I'm funny.
- You're funny.
- You're hot.
[chuckles]
Okay. Very good. Very good.
You guys, take your seats.
Okie-dokie.
I think the only one
who hasn't gone is Clayton.
Do we have an odd number
of students?
Don, my man,
you wanna do repetition
one more time
for Clayton's sake?
All right, gentlemen.
Come right this way.
All right, Donald,
you're going to kick us off.
First thing that comes to mind,
don't think too hard about it.
And here we go.
You're stupid.
Really?
Come on, Clayton.
I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm--
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
You're stupid!
- Faster.
- You're a dick.
Oh. You're dumb.
- You're a fucking dick.
- You're dumb.
- You're fucking short.
- You're dumb.
- You're a short dick.
- Please repeat what he says.
- You're dumb.
- You're dumb. I'm--
- You're dumb.
- I'm dumb.
You're scared.
- [teacher]
Repeat what he says, please!
- I'm not--
- You're scared!
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared. You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared!
- I am not scared!
[sighs]
[man] Don... dude... ship.
You think maybe you could, uh,
talk to your agent?
See if he'd be down
to take a meeting with me?
Oh. I mean,
that's gonna be a hard, Chippy.
He's fucking real cocksucker.
You know that.
I mean, you know how hard it is
for me to get him
on the fucking phone.
I get it.
So maybe you ask him
to come to my play next week,
see me in action.
I mean,
you gonna comp him a ticket?
What? No.
He'd have to pay full price.
We have to pay
to rent the theater.
[chuckles]
You're coming
at me right now...
it's like you're a baby seal
trying to swim in a world
full of sharks.
And you're about to get clubbed
and get fucked raw.
You're like a fucking
bottlenose dolphin here.
I mean, I'm embarrassed.
And I'm only telling you this
because you are so talented.
But it's not about
your talent.
It's about your height,
your weight, your face,
your temperament.
Other than that...
you are an amazing teacher.
[sighs]
You know what Don?
That kind of honesty...
is what makes you great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Keep using it.
[voicemail beeps]
Hey, Clayton, buddy,
it's your dad calling.
Hope you're doing all right.
Wanted to tell you Max and I
watched your NCIS episode.
We didn't see you in it.
Are you sure this was
the episode you were in?
Just wondering if
they deleted your scene.
I know that happens sometimes.
You know, Max's son
might be able to get you a job
as a junior broker
at his company.
He said his company
is the next JP Morgan.
[Max] No, it's Goldman Sachs.
[dad] Oh, sorry.
Max has corrected me.
It's Goldman Sachs.
[phone beeps off]
[spits]
[hip hop music playing]
[phone ringing]
[coughing]
Hello?
[woman] Hey, Clayton.
I got Sean on the other line.
Okay. Uh, great.
[line trilling]
[woman] Hey, Sean,
you're on with Clayton.
[Clayton] Yo.
Yo. What's up, man?
How are you doing?
- I'm good. I'm good--
- [clattering]
- [yells] Fuck!
- You okay?
Nah, I just bent my knee.
Fuck, that hurt.
Hey, so, I talked to the
director from Psychic Highway.
- Okay. And?
- And he really liked you, man.
Ah, dude, that's...
that's great. That's great.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Anyway, they want you back in
for a call back on Monday...
11:00 a.m.
You'll be there, yeah?
What are you nut--?
Of course, yes.
Of course, I'll be there.
Great, man.
Look, this first one was good,
but this next one
you gotta crush.
Dude, I will. I will.
Good. No pressure.
Peace!
All right. Thanks, man.
Yeah! [grunts]
Yes!
Ah... fuck.
[hip hop music continues on TV]
[sniffing]
[mysterious music playing]
[typing on keyboard]
[distorted sound]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hello.
[woman on phone] Hello.
Who is this?
I saw your ad
on the internet...
about the demonologist.
[hip hop music playing]
[scatting]
[tense music playing]
[knocking on door]
[fly buzzing]
[knocking]
Clayton Walker.
I was doing
a little spring cleaning.
I didn't hear that door knock.
- Please, come on in.
- Thanks.
- Do you mind
to take off your shoes?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'll just put
this beast away.
Wow. [chuckles]
Cool place.
Yes, it's been home to me
for many, many years now.
Is it just...
is it just you here?
Yes.
Did you draw these?
Oh, no, no.
Those are based on
a 15th-century wood carving.
Well, you see demons come in
many different shapes and forms.
They can be invisible.
Or they can be horrifying,
beastly creatures
that carry us away.
[laughing]
Have you seen any of these,
the beasts?
Oh, yes. Quite a few.
[mysterious music playing]
Galvino... demon of desire.
Shall we?
[tea kettle whistling]
Please, take a seat.
Would you like a cup of tea,
Clayton?
I was just in the middle
of making some.
Um, yeah, sure.
Please. Thanks.
Nothing like a nice cup of tea
after a long drive.
Yeah.
[sighs]
[yawns]
[makes water drop sound]
[chuckles]
[makes water drop sound]
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
[music sting]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Oh.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- No, it's okay.
- I didn't mean to.
- Don't apologize.
- I'm sorry. I just--
- Here. Clayton, take mine.
- Okay. Thank you.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to spill on your--
It's okay. It's okay.
Everything is fine.
Yeah. No, I--
- Everything is just fine.
- I'm just-- I'm really sorry.
Don't apologize, Clayton.
It's a sign of weakness.
Why don't we
talk about your career?
How long have you been acting?
Uh, yeah, a while.
Quite a while,
actually, almost 15 years.
Wow.
Well, I wish I'd seen
some of your work,
but, unfortunately,
I haven't seen a movie in years.
Yeah, well, even if you did,
you wouldn't--
- [laughing]
- Yeah.
Well, you wouldn't have, really,
seen me even if you did.
Oh. Why do you say that?
Because I haven't really
been in much. [chuckles]
Well, I'm sure you've done
a lot of... amazing work
in the past 15 years.
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. I guess.
All right, my love. Why don't we
talk about your family?
Tell me about your father.
Tell me about your mother.
[chuckles]
Is something wrong?
Uh, no.
No, no, nothing's wrong.
It's just I feel like I should
be the one asking the questions,
you know?
Like, I'm here to learn what
it's like to do what you do.
Oh. I see.
Well, for the work
we're going to do today...
I need you to trust me.
I need to trust you.
There can be no lies.
There can be no mistrust
in this house.
Or the ritual
that we will perform will have
very little chance of success.
[mysterious music playing]
Ritual, um...
I see that you experience
a great deal of self-doubt...
Clayton Walker.
Sweetheart...
it hasn't always been that way.
I sense...
I sense that something
happened to you.
Something that made you
extremely vulnerable.
But what I sense
is that evil spirits
have penetrated your soul.
And I know that you can
feel this because as they've
become more powerful,
you felt yourself
become more and more powerless.
Now, they will
continue to do this
until there is very little
Clayton Walker left.
And then... what happens next?
[chuckles]
Well, that's not going to happen
because the ritual
that we will perform
is an expulsion of evil spirits.
Sweetheart, just think of it
like a purification
of your body and your mind.
Uh, like, um... uh...
An exorcism.
On me?
Yes. That-that's correct.
[chuckles]
[laughing]
Clayton, sweetheart,
you're gonna leave here with
a clear mind and a clear soul,
and a very, very real sense
of the spirits that surround us.
Now, I can't think of
a better way
to prepare to play the role
of a demonologist.
No?
I'm just...
Can I-- Can I use your bathroom
real quick, please?
[water running]
[sighs]
[grunting]
[music sting]
Shall we get started?
[mysterious music playing]
Do you mind?
Yeah.
After you.
So, this is where we will
perform the ritual...
when you're ready.
And when will that be?
I'll need a day to prepare you.
So, tomorrow night?
Wow. Okay.
Uh... and what exactly
do we do at this ritual?
Like, I know you said
we'd be, like,
extracting the evil spirits,
like you said. But--
Clayton, I've done this many,
many times.
That's, uh...
That's blood, right?
Yes, it is.
Human blood?
Yes.
[goat bleating]
And goat.
Right.
Well, what do we do now?
[sighs]
We eat.
[old time jazzy music playing]
The goat?
Yeah, I don't--
I don't really eat much
good home cooking these days.
[chuckles]
Well, a healthy diet
is a key component
to a healthy mind.
I guess that's why
my mind's always
running me wild then, huh?
Or that and the demons.
Wait, no, I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to....
I'm not sure
this is going to work.
No. I was just
trying to be funny, I guess.
Okay? It's just--
Are you aware
that there are many,
many people
who want nothing more
than to ridicule
and berate me for what I do?
Now, I'm... I'm certain that
you are who you say you are.
But I am not certain
that you will be able to silence
the preconceived notions
and doubts that obviously...
concern you.
Look, I need this role.
Okay? I'm-I'm...
I'm 35 years old.
I'm unemployed
and I have 1,200 followers.
It's shit.
[chuckles]
Well...
Jesus Christ
had only 12 followers
and he was nailed to the cross
and beaten to death
by the age of 33.
On the phone, you told me
you already had this part.
Now, that... was a lie.
Uh, yes. Yes, it was.
It's okay, darling.
The lies
are the work of the demons
and they convince us
that we should
disguise our insecurities.
But in reality,
they are leading us
further and further
from who we truly are.
Now, I don't need to
tell you this
because I know that
you can feel it in yourself.
Uh, yeah, I-I guess so.
I have a call back on Monday
and I need to be--
I need to be great or else
they're gonna give the role
to this dipshit
social climber, Donald.
[hip hop music playing]
This Donald...
you're jealous of him.
Mmm.
Ah... jealous? Ah...
Okay, we share
the same acting class.
And he's just one of those dudes
that was blessed with good luck,
you know?
He did this commercial
when he was two years old,
this antiabortion PSA.
And-and it aired on TV
every Christmas for eight years.
[soft chuckle]
[mutters]
Everyone has their own path.
Donald is on his,
and you will find yours.
[scoffs]
I hope so.
Are you believing anything
that I'm telling you, Clayton?
Or do you secretly think
I've lost my mind?
What? No. Yeah, I-I--
listen, I totally believe you.
It's just all of this
is so new to me. Okay?
So, it's just--
it just feels foreign
and it's hard to take it all in.
Very difficult for us
to challenge the things
we think we know.
Very difficult for us
to know anything these days
when everything;
the media, science, social code,
everything is brought with
so much contradiction
and insecurity.
I mean, there's a reason
why I live out here, darling.
I rarely use the internet.
I very rarely use the phone.
All of that... causes a great
deal of psychic trauma.
And that is how
the evil spirits take hold.
I would like to help you,
Clayton...
both spiritually,
and with your career ambitions.
But you are going to
have to come a very long way
from where you are
right now.
[Clayton] Yeah, I can do that.
Yeah, I will do that.
[hip hop music playing]
You know how much
I love you guys, right?
No. You love me? I thought you
fucking hated me, babe.
[chuckles]
[girl] So much, I want to set
your face on fire.
One year ago today, my mom died
at 7:32 and my dad died at 7:48.
Can I ask you a question, Nik?
How did they die?
[girl] Donald, dude.
I don't want to talk about it,
really.
Sorry,
I shouldn't have brought it up.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Wow! I just-- I kind of feel
like a fucking dick right now.
I mean, you did say your
parents' respective death's,
like, to the minute.
So, I thought it was
kind of fair game, but, okay.
You know what?
You know what we need right now?
A little adrenaline!
It's getting little too modelin'
in this bitch.
That means sad, Petra.
I'm sorry that me
grieving my dead parents
is so boring to you.
No, I-I understand
it's a sensitive issue.
But you just can't get
in your head right now. Okay?
It's gonna blow your high.
Wait...
Oh...
Interesting.
Do you girls
believe in paranormal activity?
Spirits? The resurrection?
[scoffs] No, I don't.
Well, I do because I'm gonna
be playing one.
A retarded ghost?
Shut the fuck up!
A demonologist.
I got a callback for this movie
Psychic Highway on Monday.
I mean, the role is, like,
pretty much mine.
It's just a formality
at this point.
I got a couple of, like,
cocksuckers in my bullpen
that I gotta clear out.
But pretty much,
I am in preparation mode.
How might you ask, is Donald
gonna prepare for this part?
Well, I'll fucking tell you:
an emotional purge.
Think of me as a demon therapist
and you're my patient.
[Petra] Who is your patient?
[coughs]
[Donald] Come on, Nik.
It'll help loosen you up.
[Petra]
She's pretty loose as it is.
[chuckles]
She's right. I'm a huge slut.
No, I know.
But I mean, listen,
you hold everything inside.
That's why you're so
stressed out all the time.
I need to prepare
for this role.
You need to emotionally purge.
I mean, we're just gonna
kill two birds with one stone.
And, artist to friend...
you're in a safe place...
with me.
How safe?
[Donald] Guys, we are
about to embark on
a spiritual experience
with the beautiful
Ms. Nikki over here.
- [Nikki] Stop. I'm fine.
- [Donald] No.
- [Nikki]
I'm just regular pretty.
- [Petra chuckles]
[Donald] That's right.
And she's agreed
to be the guinea pig
in a little research
experiment of mine.
What kind of research, you ask?
Well, when you see me
on the cover of Deadline,
you'll find out.
And then the only research
you'll be doing is Googling
how to suck Don Don's
big old nutsack.
Don't be gross.
Don't be gross in the video.
[sighs]
Do you have everything you need,
Clayton?
[grunts] Mmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
What's that?
A phone.
Mmm.
A device is more treacherous
than a breast ripper.
It's a distraction.
It feels nothing
but jealousy and despair.
Okay,
I-I can turn it off if you...
If only it were that simple.
Re-- Really?
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
Okay.
[grunts]
Ha! Feel better already.
Yep.
Good night.
[tense music playing]
[bell tolls]
[clock ticking]
[sighs]
[spits]
[grunting]
[whispering]
You're in my driveway.
Get out of my fuckin' driveway!
[whispering indistinct]
[grunting]
[groans]
You want some?
You want some?
[whooshing]
[door opens]
[static buzzing]
[soft voice echoing]
[music playing on video]
Hi, I'm Eliza.
Hi. I'm your host,
Eliza Atwood.
Welcome to an episode
of the Lost Dimension.
Now tell me, brave viewers.
What scares you the most?
Ghosts, demons, UFOs?
Hi.
Or do you simply give yourself
the heebie-jeebies?
Are you an emotion masochist?
Do you sabotage
your own opportunities?
Do you fear for the future?
Well, on tonight's episode,
we're gonna follow
an innocent man
who lives in upstate New York.
But one night,
a visitor comes knocking.
Whether it'd be in human form?
Well, you're gonna have to
hold your breath to find out.
[clattering]
[static buzzing]
[video rewinding]
[mysterious music playing]
[clock ticking]
[Eliza humming]
[animal howls]
David Mamet says actors should
just say their lines.
Forget about their motivation
and their subtext.
Just say their lines
plainly and simply.
I agree.
I hate all that pretentious
preparation horse shit.
No, you've got to
go with instinct.
Be in the moment, you know?
You feel something,
find an energy,
key into that energy,
and then just let it rip.
Who's David Mamet?
Who's David Mamet?
[chuckles]
What's your point, Don?
I'm going to ask you
a series of questions.
I don't want you
to over think the answers.
I just want you to say the first
thing that comes to your head.
Remember,
over thinking is the enemy.
Okay? Remember that.
What kinds of questions
you gonna ask me?
Okay. So, you just did it right
there. That was a question.
Only answers.
Okay, well, what does this
have to do with playing a demon?
Demonologist. Also, Petra,
that's a fucking question. Okay?
What do you
want me to do, Don?
Okay, just close your eyes.
Deep breath.
You guys should take some shots
'cause you're being
a fucking asshole right now.
And I just feel like
it'll be more fun for me.
That's actually--
that's actually
a really good idea.
- Thank God. Yes.
- Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You first.
Here you go.
[Nikki groans]
Whoo.
I say that after
every question answered,
we both take a shot.
Okay. But you realize
that I'm old, right?
You're gonna give me
fucking alcohol poisoning.
Maybe. Just keep the questions
to a minimum,
and then Petra won't have to
pump our stomachs.
[chuckles]
All right.
- Okay. First official question.
- Mmm.
Why am I such a great actor?
- Because you were born with it.
- God. Very good. Wow.
Yeah. Mmm.
[chuckles] You guys
are gonna get fucked up.
Yeah. She's right.
Do you believe in
demonic possession?
Answer.
No, I don't.
Do you feel guilty
about your dog, Riley?
What?
[laughs]
His intestines exploded
out of his ass under the wheels.
- [Petra]
Donald, what the fuck, man.
- [Donald] Petra, please.
No. I don't feel guilty
about it, asshole.
I let him out by accident.
I was literally ten years old,
and he was a shit dog.
[Donald] Mmm. Wow.
Can you continue with this
Spanish Inquisition, please?
- You know, maybe we should--
- Petra, please!
No, seriously,
this is fucking stupid.
This is not fucking stupid,
Petra! Okay?
It's not fucking stupid!
I'm getting into character.
She needs this. I need this.
The only person
that doesn't need to...
- [Petra] Fuck you, Donny!
- ...fucking be here
right now is you!
You are providing no fucking
service of any kind. Okay?
Just shut the fuck up!
Sorry about that. Okay.
Did your parents
love each other?
Yes. Next question.
- [Donald] Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Next question, please.
[Donald] Now...
What really happened
to your parents, Nik?
You gotta be honest with me.
I mean, it's gonna
make you feel better.
- Why are you asking me this?
- A lot better. Because it's...
- Why the fuck
are you asking me this?
- ...my craft.
Your dad shot your mom.
- What are you doing?
- Your dad--
- You don't know anything.
- No, your dad shot your mom,
- and then he hung himself.
- Knock it off, dude!
You know what--
Was he possessed?
Did a supernatural force
make him do it?
I mean, you said yourself
they're happily married
for 25 years.
- What the fuck
are you talking about?
- Happy marriage for 25 years.
And all of a sudden,
he just fucking shoots your mom?
- Why are you asking me this?
- Why the hell would he do that?
- Why would your dad--
- Shut up! Shut up!
Why would your dad--
shot your mom!
I told you that in confidence,
you asshole!
Why would your father
shoot your mother?
- Why do you give a shit?
- And then fucking hang himself?
No, stop!
I'm asking you to stop!
I'm literally
asking you to stop!
- He shot your mom!
- Stop it!
- Why would he possibly do it?
- I don't know!
There's no possible reason why
a man would do that to his wife!
This is my house!
Get the fuck out of my house!
- Get out of my house!
- It doesn't make
any sense here. Why?
Why would your father
shoot your mother...
- Why do you give a shit?
- ...and then
fucking hang himself?
Why do you fucking care?
It has nothing to fucking do
with you, you piece of shit!
He loved her!
Nikki, why would he do it?
Fuck you! Stop it!
Your dad shot your mom
- and then he hung himself!
- Stop it! Stop it!
Nikki, we're not done yet!
Nikki!
- Nikki, we're not done yet.
- [glass shatters]
- Nikki! Nikki!
- Fuck you, asshole!
- Please!
Are you fucking insane?
- You wanna get fucked?!
[overlapping chatter]
Shut your fucking mouth,
you fucking cunt!
Shut the fuck up!
You want to it pry into my soul
for your dumb fucking movie
that no one's
ever gonna fucking see
because it's a dumb fucking
movie,
and you think
it's so fucking good?
You're not even gonna
book the part,
you fucking asshole!
You want to interrogate me,
my father murdered my mother
because she fucking cheated him.
And then he killed himself...
[mutters]
- You're fucking right!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, Nikki.
- [screams]
- I'm just acting.
I'm just acting!
- I'm an actor, too!
- I'm an actor, please!
I'm an actor, too.
I'm an actor-- I'm acting.
- [whispers] I'm acting.
- [Petra chuckles]
[Donald whimpers]
- So funny!
- [Petra laughing]
[sighs]
I like that.
[chuckles]
Oh, my God!
[Petra and Nikki laughing]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[panting]
[laughing]
I am going to give...
such a nuanced performance.
[pants]
[tea kettle whistling]
What?
What?
What?
Well, I was just, um...
I was just wondering
when we were gonna
talk about your TV career.
[chuckles]
In the year 2000,
I hosted one of
the first female-led
ghost hunting reality TV shows
on network television.
[chuckles]
It lasted half a season.
Got a bunch of negative reviews.
And that was that.
Wait, so... so you're an actor.
Why did you give it up?
I found my true calling.
Hmm.
Do you ever have, like,
an itch to get back to it?
No!
Okay.
[Eliza] The Mallam Extractum.
This is the preeminent text
for summoning and extracting
spirits.
And this is
an original manuscript.
Great.
I use it as a guiding force
for my practices.
And the work begins now.
[tense music playing]
[chanting in Latin]
[panting]
[chanting in Latin]
[panting]
So, is this like--
is it training then?
[mimicking growls]
Oh, this is
more than training, Clayton.
[mimicking growls]
This is evolution.
Here we go!
You are a worthy being.
I am a worthy being!
You are your own being.
I am my own being!
You are free of thought
and free of mind.
I am free of thought
and free of mind!
You are your best self!
I am my best self.
I am my best self!
I am my best self!
- Say it!
- I am my best self!
- Louder!
- I am my best self!
[bell tolling]
[clock ticking]
All right.
Close your eyes.
I want you
to think about your life.
Think about your family,
think about your friends...
boyfriends, girlfriends.
Now, tell me about
the worst day of your life.
There are plenty.
Pick one.
I called my mom a bitch once.
Where's your mother now?
- [breathing deeply]
- She left me.
And your father?
Off in Miami messing around
with his boy toy, Max.
I see.
Are they happy?
Yeah.
[Eliza breathing deeply]
Clayton...
Yes.
Are you telling me
the truth about your mother?
[old time jazzy music playing]
[Clayton's mother humming]
[humming continues]
[music stings]
I killed her.
[music sting]
I crashed my car,
and I killed her.
[music sting]
She was my best friend.
[crying]
It's okay.
[crying]
It's okay.
[vomits]
[groans]
[tense music playing]
It is now time...
to perform the ritual.
Okay.
One last thing...
blood magic is essential
in luring a demon.
Yeah,
how much blood do we need?
Oh, not your blood,
sweetie.
[speaking in Latin]
Come here.
[goat bleats]
Think of your mother,
think of Donald.
Think of all your past failures.
Let them go.
- [Clayton grunting]
- [knife stabbing]
[goat whining]
[tense music playing]
At this point,
it is imperative
that your eyes remain closed.
But if my eyes are closed,
how am I gonna see the spirits?
Well, let's just say
you're gonna feel them.
Okay.
All right. Great.
So, once we begin the ritual,
it's very important that neither
of us leave the house.
Because, you see...
if the spirits escape whilst
we're in the process of
summoning them,
we have no idea
what havoc they will create.
Clayton Walker...
your mind has been possessed
by evil spirits.
As I stand here before you,
I address the spirits
that have corrupted
your every thought and desire.
Clayton Walker, do you hear me?
Yes.
Spirits inside
of Clayton Walker,
do you hear me?
[tense music playing]
Whoa! Whoa!
What the fuck!
What are you doing?
You've ruined it!
Ruined what? You just started
to fucking stab me.
Oh, stop being neurotic.
I'm performing
an ancient ritual.
Fuck this and fuck the ritual!
Oh, Clayton.
Honey, slow down. Clayton.
[muttering]
Trusting that fucking psycho!
God--
So, that's it?
You're giving up?
Well, I guess
that's why you don't get
any of the roles you want.
Are you out of your mind?
You just tried to stab me.
Oh, come on.
It's an ancient ritual.
That was just an act of
intimidation designed to
lure out the evil spirits.
It's just part of the process.
Yeah, well, I didn't see or feel
any evil spirits, did you?
Well, you did open your eyes
and run off, silly.
Yeah, I tend to do that
when I see someone
raise a knife on me, Eliza!
- What? You think I'm going to--
- What?! What do you want?
You think I'm going to flip
a switch and extract a demon?
[grunts sarcastically]
Well, you're going to flip
a switch and become a star.
I mean, let's get real.
After all of your years
as a failed actor,
I would expect you
to understand that
anything that's worth having
takes patience, darling,
takes tenacity.
Oh, tenacity? Okay.
Well, I don't think I'm prepared
to wait out my whole life
for some evil spirits that may
or may not blow on my neck,
or do whatever
the fuck they do, Eliza.
[humming echoing]
And I have loved you
for so long
Delighting in your company
You were doing so well.
Why were you singing that song?
I know deep down you believe,
Clayton.
I can feel it in your soul.
[dramatic music playing]
Why don't I make us some tea?
You could take a bath,
take a little time to yourself.
Please, don't leave.
[Eliza humming]
Greensleeves are my delight
Greensleeves are my delight
[tea kettle whistling]
Tea is ready.
Okay.
Ahh.
- You have a nice cock, darling.
- [chokes]
Not too big, not too small.
Just perfect.
[clears throat]
I don't see you returning
to your old life after all this.
I mean, let's face it,
it was pretty empty...
emotionally.
[breathes deeply]
Boring.
What excites you, Clayton?
I don't know.
You know what excites me?
Death.
[chuckles]
Okay.
- Then why haven't--
- Why haven't I killed myself?
Yeah.
I've been planning my exit into
hell for a very long time.
Last thing I want to do
is waste it on a simple suicide.
[Clayton laughing]
[both laughing]
Your turn.
I wanna be a movie star.
[Eliza laughs]
Why do you want to be
a movie star, Clayton?
Because it's... it's validation,
proof I was right.
Can't you prove that
to yourself?
I mean, why do you need some
producer to prove that for you?
- No, it's not the same.
- Why?
Just because.
That's not an answer.
Because it's-it's obvious,
Eliza.
Is it?
You land a big role
and then...
and then you deliver
in that role and you prove
that you can do it.
I just--
I don't see the joy in that.
I mean, if I want to
prove something to myself,
I just...
prove it to myself.
Okay, well, then it's not--
It's not just for myself.
- Well, then,
who is it for, Clayton?
- It's for everyone. Okay?
Everyone will know
they were wrong about me.
Everyone who thought--
who thought I was a fool
for pursuing this life,
every other actor who--
who thought
they were better than me.
I want to see them standing...
- [laughing]
- ...on their miserable feet,
clapping for me. Clayton!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Like this. Okay.
I could do that for you
right now, Clayton.
That's it.
Why don't you take a bow?
Take a bow, Clayton.
Take a bow.
Come on, sweetie.
Take a bow.
Where are you gonna be, sweetie?
Maybe up in the sky
- looking down at them?
- It doesn't fucking matter.
It does not matter to me.
Just knowing
that it's happening,
that's all that I need.
Okay. But who cares?
I mean, really.
I mean,
you don't care about them.
They don't care about you.
You just told me
how miserable they all are.
I mean who cares?
Who cares?!
I do.
[breathing heavily]
It makes you want to
punch Donald in the face
every time you see him,
don't you, darling?
Go on.
You tell me
what you want to do to him.
I want to cut his head off
with a buzz saw
and put it in the dumpster.
[breathes heavily]
You see,
if you let go of all that,
Donald doesn't matter...
none of it matters.
Only you matter, sweetie.
Only you.
[Clayton's breathing staggard]
I told my mom
I would make it.
She believed
I would make it.
I'm gonna make it.
- Yes.
- [cries]
Oh, yes, darling.
Oh, yes.
Come here. Come here.
- [sniffles] Ooh.
- Let it go.
[Clayton's mom] Clayton, honey.
What the fuck?!
[panting]
I just--
I just heard my--
I just heard my mom.
Yeah.
She's here.
[Clayton's mom] Clayton, honey.
What the fuck?
[Clayton's mom humming echoes]
[sizzling]
[screams]
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[panting]
[humming continues]
[grunts]
Come on!
How do I get out of here?
You don't.
Oh, yeah?
- Fuck!
- [Clayton's mom] Clayton.
What's so funny?
You.
Why won't the window break?
Maybe you're not supposed to
leave here, Clayton.
Yeah, you wanna fuck with me?
[yells]
[Clayton grunts]
[groaning]
[gasps]
[choking]
[Eliza yelling]
[glass shatters]
[spits]
[laughing]
[chokes]
Kill me. Come on. Come on.
Do it.
[chokes, grunts]
Come on. Kill me. Kill me.
[choking]
[panting]
[crying]
[Clayton] Where is my mom?
Oh...
She's right in here.
[mumbling]
Shh...
What do you want from me?
You see, I've been
thinking about what you said.
And I did
want more out of life.
I always... wanted a family.
I-I actually wanted a son.
[tense music playing]
Let's see...
You do seem a little confused.
Perhaps this shall
help clear your mind.
- [sizzling]
- [screams]
[groans]
Aah.
It was a trap.
My boy... we have a higher
calling to attend to.
Now, repeat after me.
[speaking in Latin]
Clayton, repeat!
[speaking in Latin]
[speaking in Latin]
[speaking in Latin]
Now, come to me.
Come to me, my son.
[old time jazzy music playing]
- [tense music playing]
- [baby crying]
You're stupid! You're dumb!
Stupid! Dumb!
[Eliza] The green tea has
finally paralyzed your body.
Now, we can be together...
forever.
All I've ever wanted
is a child...
to feed... to bathe...
to love.
[sighs]
Clayton, I've been
waiting for you my whole life.
[chuckles]
I'd really love it
if you would call me mom.
- Mom.
- [chuckles]
Oh, it's so nice.
[chuckles]
Yeah, it tickles me a little.
Mom.
[chuckles]
[grunts]
Oh, no.
Mommy's right here.
Ooh, she's right here.
[panting]
[Eliza] Where are you going?
[Clayton panting]
[tense music playing]
[growling]
[snarling]
[screaming]
[grunts]
[snarls]
[panting]
[tense music playing]
[moaning]
[tense music playing]
[screaming]
[Clayton continues screaming]
Sometimes I feel like
I'm not normal.
What is normal, anyway?
Right? I guess...
like everyone else.
I get stupid thoughts sometimes.
I keep them to myself
because I don't want anyone
thinking I'm a weirdo.
I wonder if everyone
get strange thoughts
but just don't want to admit it.
I think we all get strange
thoughts.
You wanna know
what kind of thoughts I get?
Well... I can't tell you
because it's too embarrassing.
[beeping]
[woman] That was great.
Really, really great.
- Thank you.
- Really great, Donald.
Okay. Where do you guys--
where do you guys
shoot this one?
- We'll give you a call.
- Yeah? Okay, yeah.
The financing and all that
kinda... stuff.
Well, just give me a text,
call, email, DM.
I do it all.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, bye, guys.
Crushed it!
Christ, he was awful.
Terrible.
High school acting.
He gets jobs?
Commercials mostly.
All right, who's next?
Ah, well, it was supposed to be
Clayton Walker.
He was supposed to
be here before Donald,
but he didn't show.
I followed up with his agent,
but--
- [man 1] You're kidding.
- [man 2] I liked that guy.
- He-he was good.
- [woman] He was. Wasn't he?
[man 1]
He really had something special.
["Greensleeves" playing]
Alas, my love
You do me wrong
To cast me off
discourteously
For I have loved you
for so long
Delighting in your company
Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves
my heart of gold
And who but
my Lady Greensleeves
Yo, yo.
Standing on the highway
doin' it my way
I like to spray
all kinda words
I'm so disturbed
Bustin' a nut
all over you herbs
That's how I do it, yeah
Read the blurbs
Rollin' up
through the suburbs
Rub-a-dub-dub
Slashin' all your throats
and drinkin' up your blood
Leavin' you face down
Breathin' in the mud
Ha-ha-ha
fuckin' Elmer Fudd
That's how I got it
I don't stop
I be blowin' up this bitch
on this tic and this tok
And you be suckin' on
this dick aka'in my cock
I'm keepin' that shit
for your mom
and it's hard as a rock
When I do my dirty business
I keep on my spark
And I do it shit cold
call me Spock
[man] That was tight.
And... what is up, everybody?
Friday the 18th.
Fucking livestreaming demonic--
it is gonna be insane.
Gaming, fun. If you don't come,
you're fucking dead to me.
Seven PM eastern time,
18th, Friday.
Be there!
Yeah, so,
was sitting on this bench.
Yeah, my ass on the bench.
And over here
it was just... a plant.
So I see this fuckin' plant,
and I decided
I'm gonna put it up my ass.
Because it's that
kind of ass plant.
Planted in my ass.
I want it.
And I am your host on
The Lost Dimension.
Now, tell me brave viewers,
what scares you the most?
Ghosts, demons, UFOs?
Or you simply give yourself
the heebie-jeebies?
Well, on tonight's episode,
a visitor comes knocking.
Whether it'd be in human form?
Well, you're gonna have
to hold your breath.
[intense music playing]
When I was a little boy,
I got food poisoning
at school one day,
and I received permission
from one of my teachers
to go home early.
And I come home...
then I start hearing
strange noises coming from
upstairs in my parent's room.
It scared me half to death,
you know, I turned white.
I didn't know what to do, so...
I went and got a big knife.
Same knife my dad used to cut
the Thanksgiving Day turkey.
And I could hear my mom's
screams getting louder and
louder,
and I knew she was in trouble.
It was like she was staring
death in the face.
And so I opened
the bedroom door...
then I saw a large man
in his ski mask
fucking my mom.
So, I started stabbing this guy
over and over and over.
But... it was a mistake.
A terrible mistake.
It turns out the man that
I slaughtered was my own dad.
They were role playing.
[sighs]
Went home from food poisoning
and end up murdering
my own father.
It was all very
embarrassing for me.
But isn't life just
a one big embarrassment?
[beeping]
I'll be honest,
your talent's more impressive
than your resume.
Uh, thanks. Thank you.
- Really great.
- Thank you.
- A little about the role.
- Mmm.
[man] This scene takes place
in the character's childhood.
This is one of the things
that led him down the path
to demon studies.
Funnily enough,
it's actually based on
the very same demonologist
- that performed
an exorcism on my wife.
- [chuckles]
He's a tortured,
troubled man with a dark past.
I need an actor to rip their
soul out and put it on screen,
not just get high
and collect a paycheck.
Well, I don't smoke. So...
No. But, yeah, no,
I can do that...
if you could cast me,
or whatever, in this. Or...
Are we done?
Okay. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [man] Clayton!
Hey! Clayton!
Oh, my gosh, you fucking--
- Donald! What's up, man?
- Studly!
Doe-eyed motherfucker!
How are you, buddy? Mm!
Life's good, dude.
Just, yeah, yeah, existing. You?
- Existing?
- Yeah.
Wow! The gratitude is just
exploding out of you right now.
- Okay.
- No, I'm good man.
- I'm fucking busy, dude.
- Yeah?
Yeah. How are you though?
You're looking pretty svelte.
You good? You malnourished?
You gettin' all your vitamins?
- I'm worried.
- Yeah. I'm good, dude.
I'm good. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Donald, I'm good.
Just, just, you know,
been auditioning a bunch.
- Uh-huh.
- And then looking for...
looking for some new headshots,
or something.
- I'm sure.
- Do you have a phone call? Or--
- No, no.
- What's going on?
I, you know, it's crazy.
I didn't know that you would--
I mean, they were
going this way on this part.
I'm just--
I sincerely hope that at some
point this year you do work.
- Thanks, Donald.
It was good to see--
- No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, for real, for real.
This is just
a side racket for me.
I make all my paper
on this fucking thing right now.
And it is sad.
I need it. I want it.
I have to do it.
I fucking love it, too.
You know what I mean?
But you're a real fucking--
You know, you're a real artist,
Clayton.
- You are. You're a real artist.
- Yeah.
I bet you fucking make yourself
cry in the bedroom, don't you?
You do the bedroom break down.
Do you? Is that what you do?
Do you do the bedroom breakdown?
- Hey!
- Hey! There she is.
[woman chuckles]
Wow. Oh, my God!
Looking tight as hell.
[woman] You're lucky
you have a cute face.
[Donald] You're lucky
you have a boyfriend.
[beeping]
[voicemail]
Hi, Clayton. It's Aunty Sherry.
Wanted to check in
to see how you're doing.
Oh, wow!
I'm looking at photos of you
and your mom right now.
Oh, this one is...
[laughing]
You are so adorable.
Such a little tiny pee-pee
in the bathtub with your mommy.
I visited your mom
the other day.
Left some new flowers
by her grave.
Remember that song
she always used to sing to you?
Greensleeves?
Remember that song?
It was so fucking annoying.
But you loved it. It was sweet.
Anyway-- oh!
Your NCSI episode,
I watched it.
It was terrific.
I am shocked how good it was.
And I can't believe that they
cut you out of it entirely.
Okay, bye-bye.
[message beeping]
Alas
My love you do me wrong
To cast me off
Discourteously
For I have loved you
so long
Delighted in your...
[woman moaning]
Underneath Greensleeves
Was all my heart--
- [banging]
- [woman moaning]
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves
my heart of joy
And who but my lady
Greensleeves
- [woman] You're happy.
- [man] I'm happy.
- [woman] You're happy.
- [man] I'm happy.
- You're funny.
- I'm funny?
- You're funny.
- I'm funny.
- You're funny.
- I'm funny.
- You're funny.
- You're hot.
[chuckles]
Okay. Very good. Very good.
You guys, take your seats.
Okie-dokie.
I think the only one
who hasn't gone is Clayton.
Do we have an odd number
of students?
Don, my man,
you wanna do repetition
one more time
for Clayton's sake?
All right, gentlemen.
Come right this way.
All right, Donald,
you're going to kick us off.
First thing that comes to mind,
don't think too hard about it.
And here we go.
You're stupid.
Really?
Come on, Clayton.
I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.
- I'm--
- You're stupid.
- I'm stupid.
You're stupid!
- Faster.
- You're a dick.
Oh. You're dumb.
- You're a fucking dick.
- You're dumb.
- You're fucking short.
- You're dumb.
- You're a short dick.
- Please repeat what he says.
- You're dumb.
- You're dumb. I'm--
- You're dumb.
- I'm dumb.
You're scared.
- [teacher]
Repeat what he says, please!
- I'm not--
- You're scared!
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared. You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- You're scared!
- I am not scared!
[sighs]
[man] Don... dude... ship.
You think maybe you could, uh,
talk to your agent?
See if he'd be down
to take a meeting with me?
Oh. I mean,
that's gonna be a hard, Chippy.
He's fucking real cocksucker.
You know that.
I mean, you know how hard it is
for me to get him
on the fucking phone.
I get it.
So maybe you ask him
to come to my play next week,
see me in action.
I mean,
you gonna comp him a ticket?
What? No.
He'd have to pay full price.
We have to pay
to rent the theater.
[chuckles]
You're coming
at me right now...
it's like you're a baby seal
trying to swim in a world
full of sharks.
And you're about to get clubbed
and get fucked raw.
You're like a fucking
bottlenose dolphin here.
I mean, I'm embarrassed.
And I'm only telling you this
because you are so talented.
But it's not about
your talent.
It's about your height,
your weight, your face,
your temperament.
Other than that...
you are an amazing teacher.
[sighs]
You know what Don?
That kind of honesty...
is what makes you great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Keep using it.
[voicemail beeps]
Hey, Clayton, buddy,
it's your dad calling.
Hope you're doing all right.
Wanted to tell you Max and I
watched your NCIS episode.
We didn't see you in it.
Are you sure this was
the episode you were in?
Just wondering if
they deleted your scene.
I know that happens sometimes.
You know, Max's son
might be able to get you a job
as a junior broker
at his company.
He said his company
is the next JP Morgan.
[Max] No, it's Goldman Sachs.
[dad] Oh, sorry.
Max has corrected me.
It's Goldman Sachs.
[phone beeps off]
[spits]
[hip hop music playing]
[phone ringing]
[coughing]
Hello?
[woman] Hey, Clayton.
I got Sean on the other line.
Okay. Uh, great.
[line trilling]
[woman] Hey, Sean,
you're on with Clayton.
[Clayton] Yo.
Yo. What's up, man?
How are you doing?
- I'm good. I'm good--
- [clattering]
- [yells] Fuck!
- You okay?
Nah, I just bent my knee.
Fuck, that hurt.
Hey, so, I talked to the
director from Psychic Highway.
- Okay. And?
- And he really liked you, man.
Ah, dude, that's...
that's great. That's great.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Anyway, they want you back in
for a call back on Monday...
11:00 a.m.
You'll be there, yeah?
What are you nut--?
Of course, yes.
Of course, I'll be there.
Great, man.
Look, this first one was good,
but this next one
you gotta crush.
Dude, I will. I will.
Good. No pressure.
Peace!
All right. Thanks, man.
Yeah! [grunts]
Yes!
Ah... fuck.
[hip hop music continues on TV]
[sniffing]
[mysterious music playing]
[typing on keyboard]
[distorted sound]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hello.
[woman on phone] Hello.
Who is this?
I saw your ad
on the internet...
about the demonologist.
[hip hop music playing]
[scatting]
[tense music playing]
[knocking on door]
[fly buzzing]
[knocking]
Clayton Walker.
I was doing
a little spring cleaning.
I didn't hear that door knock.
- Please, come on in.
- Thanks.
- Do you mind
to take off your shoes?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'll just put
this beast away.
Wow. [chuckles]
Cool place.
Yes, it's been home to me
for many, many years now.
Is it just...
is it just you here?
Yes.
Did you draw these?
Oh, no, no.
Those are based on
a 15th-century wood carving.
Well, you see demons come in
many different shapes and forms.
They can be invisible.
Or they can be horrifying,
beastly creatures
that carry us away.
[laughing]
Have you seen any of these,
the beasts?
Oh, yes. Quite a few.
[mysterious music playing]
Galvino... demon of desire.
Shall we?
[tea kettle whistling]
Please, take a seat.
Would you like a cup of tea,
Clayton?
I was just in the middle
of making some.
Um, yeah, sure.
Please. Thanks.
Nothing like a nice cup of tea
after a long drive.
Yeah.
[sighs]
[yawns]
[makes water drop sound]
[chuckles]
[makes water drop sound]
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
[music sting]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Oh.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- No, it's okay.
- I didn't mean to.
- Don't apologize.
- I'm sorry. I just--
- Here. Clayton, take mine.
- Okay. Thank you.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to spill on your--
It's okay. It's okay.
Everything is fine.
Yeah. No, I--
- Everything is just fine.
- I'm just-- I'm really sorry.
Don't apologize, Clayton.
It's a sign of weakness.
Why don't we
talk about your career?
How long have you been acting?
Uh, yeah, a while.
Quite a while,
actually, almost 15 years.
Wow.
Well, I wish I'd seen
some of your work,
but, unfortunately,
I haven't seen a movie in years.
Yeah, well, even if you did,
you wouldn't--
- [laughing]
- Yeah.
Well, you wouldn't have, really,
seen me even if you did.
Oh. Why do you say that?
Because I haven't really
been in much. [chuckles]
Well, I'm sure you've done
a lot of... amazing work
in the past 15 years.
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. I guess.
All right, my love. Why don't we
talk about your family?
Tell me about your father.
Tell me about your mother.
[chuckles]
Is something wrong?
Uh, no.
No, no, nothing's wrong.
It's just I feel like I should
be the one asking the questions,
you know?
Like, I'm here to learn what
it's like to do what you do.
Oh. I see.
Well, for the work
we're going to do today...
I need you to trust me.
I need to trust you.
There can be no lies.
There can be no mistrust
in this house.
Or the ritual
that we will perform will have
very little chance of success.
[mysterious music playing]
Ritual, um...
I see that you experience
a great deal of self-doubt...
Clayton Walker.
Sweetheart...
it hasn't always been that way.
I sense...
I sense that something
happened to you.
Something that made you
extremely vulnerable.
But what I sense
is that evil spirits
have penetrated your soul.
And I know that you can
feel this because as they've
become more powerful,
you felt yourself
become more and more powerless.
Now, they will
continue to do this
until there is very little
Clayton Walker left.
And then... what happens next?
[chuckles]
Well, that's not going to happen
because the ritual
that we will perform
is an expulsion of evil spirits.
Sweetheart, just think of it
like a purification
of your body and your mind.
Uh, like, um... uh...
An exorcism.
On me?
Yes. That-that's correct.
[chuckles]
[laughing]
Clayton, sweetheart,
you're gonna leave here with
a clear mind and a clear soul,
and a very, very real sense
of the spirits that surround us.
Now, I can't think of
a better way
to prepare to play the role
of a demonologist.
No?
I'm just...
Can I-- Can I use your bathroom
real quick, please?
[water running]
[sighs]
[grunting]
[music sting]
Shall we get started?
[mysterious music playing]
Do you mind?
Yeah.
After you.
So, this is where we will
perform the ritual...
when you're ready.
And when will that be?
I'll need a day to prepare you.
So, tomorrow night?
Wow. Okay.
Uh... and what exactly
do we do at this ritual?
Like, I know you said
we'd be, like,
extracting the evil spirits,
like you said. But--
Clayton, I've done this many,
many times.
That's, uh...
That's blood, right?
Yes, it is.
Human blood?
Yes.
[goat bleating]
And goat.
Right.
Well, what do we do now?
[sighs]
We eat.
[old time jazzy music playing]
The goat?
Yeah, I don't--
I don't really eat much
good home cooking these days.
[chuckles]
Well, a healthy diet
is a key component
to a healthy mind.
I guess that's why
my mind's always
running me wild then, huh?
Or that and the demons.
Wait, no, I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to....
I'm not sure
this is going to work.
No. I was just
trying to be funny, I guess.
Okay? It's just--
Are you aware
that there are many,
many people
who want nothing more
than to ridicule
and berate me for what I do?
Now, I'm... I'm certain that
you are who you say you are.
But I am not certain
that you will be able to silence
the preconceived notions
and doubts that obviously...
concern you.
Look, I need this role.
Okay? I'm-I'm...
I'm 35 years old.
I'm unemployed
and I have 1,200 followers.
It's shit.
[chuckles]
Well...
Jesus Christ
had only 12 followers
and he was nailed to the cross
and beaten to death
by the age of 33.
On the phone, you told me
you already had this part.
Now, that... was a lie.
Uh, yes. Yes, it was.
It's okay, darling.
The lies
are the work of the demons
and they convince us
that we should
disguise our insecurities.
But in reality,
they are leading us
further and further
from who we truly are.
Now, I don't need to
tell you this
because I know that
you can feel it in yourself.
Uh, yeah, I-I guess so.
I have a call back on Monday
and I need to be--
I need to be great or else
they're gonna give the role
to this dipshit
social climber, Donald.
[hip hop music playing]
This Donald...
you're jealous of him.
Mmm.
Ah... jealous? Ah...
Okay, we share
the same acting class.
And he's just one of those dudes
that was blessed with good luck,
you know?
He did this commercial
when he was two years old,
this antiabortion PSA.
And-and it aired on TV
every Christmas for eight years.
[soft chuckle]
[mutters]
Everyone has their own path.
Donald is on his,
and you will find yours.
[scoffs]
I hope so.
Are you believing anything
that I'm telling you, Clayton?
Or do you secretly think
I've lost my mind?
What? No. Yeah, I-I--
listen, I totally believe you.
It's just all of this
is so new to me. Okay?
So, it's just--
it just feels foreign
and it's hard to take it all in.
Very difficult for us
to challenge the things
we think we know.
Very difficult for us
to know anything these days
when everything;
the media, science, social code,
everything is brought with
so much contradiction
and insecurity.
I mean, there's a reason
why I live out here, darling.
I rarely use the internet.
I very rarely use the phone.
All of that... causes a great
deal of psychic trauma.
And that is how
the evil spirits take hold.
I would like to help you,
Clayton...
both spiritually,
and with your career ambitions.
But you are going to
have to come a very long way
from where you are
right now.
[Clayton] Yeah, I can do that.
Yeah, I will do that.
[hip hop music playing]
You know how much
I love you guys, right?
No. You love me? I thought you
fucking hated me, babe.
[chuckles]
[girl] So much, I want to set
your face on fire.
One year ago today, my mom died
at 7:32 and my dad died at 7:48.
Can I ask you a question, Nik?
How did they die?
[girl] Donald, dude.
I don't want to talk about it,
really.
Sorry,
I shouldn't have brought it up.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Wow! I just-- I kind of feel
like a fucking dick right now.
I mean, you did say your
parents' respective death's,
like, to the minute.
So, I thought it was
kind of fair game, but, okay.
You know what?
You know what we need right now?
A little adrenaline!
It's getting little too modelin'
in this bitch.
That means sad, Petra.
I'm sorry that me
grieving my dead parents
is so boring to you.
No, I-I understand
it's a sensitive issue.
But you just can't get
in your head right now. Okay?
It's gonna blow your high.
Wait...
Oh...
Interesting.
Do you girls
believe in paranormal activity?
Spirits? The resurrection?
[scoffs] No, I don't.
Well, I do because I'm gonna
be playing one.
A retarded ghost?
Shut the fuck up!
A demonologist.
I got a callback for this movie
Psychic Highway on Monday.
I mean, the role is, like,
pretty much mine.
It's just a formality
at this point.
I got a couple of, like,
cocksuckers in my bullpen
that I gotta clear out.
But pretty much,
I am in preparation mode.
How might you ask, is Donald
gonna prepare for this part?
Well, I'll fucking tell you:
an emotional purge.
Think of me as a demon therapist
and you're my patient.
[Petra] Who is your patient?
[coughs]
[Donald] Come on, Nik.
It'll help loosen you up.
[Petra]
She's pretty loose as it is.
[chuckles]
She's right. I'm a huge slut.
No, I know.
But I mean, listen,
you hold everything inside.
That's why you're so
stressed out all the time.
I need to prepare
for this role.
You need to emotionally purge.
I mean, we're just gonna
kill two birds with one stone.
And, artist to friend...
you're in a safe place...
with me.
How safe?
[Donald] Guys, we are
about to embark on
a spiritual experience
with the beautiful
Ms. Nikki over here.
- [Nikki] Stop. I'm fine.
- [Donald] No.
- [Nikki]
I'm just regular pretty.
- [Petra chuckles]
[Donald] That's right.
And she's agreed
to be the guinea pig
in a little research
experiment of mine.
What kind of research, you ask?
Well, when you see me
on the cover of Deadline,
you'll find out.
And then the only research
you'll be doing is Googling
how to suck Don Don's
big old nutsack.
Don't be gross.
Don't be gross in the video.
[sighs]
Do you have everything you need,
Clayton?
[grunts] Mmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
What's that?
A phone.
Mmm.
A device is more treacherous
than a breast ripper.
It's a distraction.
It feels nothing
but jealousy and despair.
Okay,
I-I can turn it off if you...
If only it were that simple.
Re-- Really?
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
Okay.
[grunts]
Ha! Feel better already.
Yep.
Good night.
[tense music playing]
[bell tolls]
[clock ticking]
[sighs]
[spits]
[grunting]
[whispering]
You're in my driveway.
Get out of my fuckin' driveway!
[whispering indistinct]
[grunting]
[groans]
You want some?
You want some?
[whooshing]
[door opens]
[static buzzing]
[soft voice echoing]
[music playing on video]
Hi, I'm Eliza.
Hi. I'm your host,
Eliza Atwood.
Welcome to an episode
of the Lost Dimension.
Now tell me, brave viewers.
What scares you the most?
Ghosts, demons, UFOs?
Hi.
Or do you simply give yourself
the heebie-jeebies?
Are you an emotion masochist?
Do you sabotage
your own opportunities?
Do you fear for the future?
Well, on tonight's episode,
we're gonna follow
an innocent man
who lives in upstate New York.
But one night,
a visitor comes knocking.
Whether it'd be in human form?
Well, you're gonna have to
hold your breath to find out.
[clattering]
[static buzzing]
[video rewinding]
[mysterious music playing]
[clock ticking]
[Eliza humming]
[animal howls]
David Mamet says actors should
just say their lines.
Forget about their motivation
and their subtext.
Just say their lines
plainly and simply.
I agree.
I hate all that pretentious
preparation horse shit.
No, you've got to
go with instinct.
Be in the moment, you know?
You feel something,
find an energy,
key into that energy,
and then just let it rip.
Who's David Mamet?
Who's David Mamet?
[chuckles]
What's your point, Don?
I'm going to ask you
a series of questions.
I don't want you
to over think the answers.
I just want you to say the first
thing that comes to your head.
Remember,
over thinking is the enemy.
Okay? Remember that.
What kinds of questions
you gonna ask me?
Okay. So, you just did it right
there. That was a question.
Only answers.
Okay, well, what does this
have to do with playing a demon?
Demonologist. Also, Petra,
that's a fucking question. Okay?
What do you
want me to do, Don?
Okay, just close your eyes.
Deep breath.
You guys should take some shots
'cause you're being
a fucking asshole right now.
And I just feel like
it'll be more fun for me.
That's actually--
that's actually
a really good idea.
- Thank God. Yes.
- Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You first.
Here you go.
[Nikki groans]
Whoo.
I say that after
every question answered,
we both take a shot.
Okay. But you realize
that I'm old, right?
You're gonna give me
fucking alcohol poisoning.
Maybe. Just keep the questions
to a minimum,
and then Petra won't have to
pump our stomachs.
[chuckles]
All right.
- Okay. First official question.
- Mmm.
Why am I such a great actor?
- Because you were born with it.
- God. Very good. Wow.
Yeah. Mmm.
[chuckles] You guys
are gonna get fucked up.
Yeah. She's right.
Do you believe in
demonic possession?
Answer.
No, I don't.
Do you feel guilty
about your dog, Riley?
What?
[laughs]
His intestines exploded
out of his ass under the wheels.
- [Petra]
Donald, what the fuck, man.
- [Donald] Petra, please.
No. I don't feel guilty
about it, asshole.
I let him out by accident.
I was literally ten years old,
and he was a shit dog.
[Donald] Mmm. Wow.
Can you continue with this
Spanish Inquisition, please?
- You know, maybe we should--
- Petra, please!
No, seriously,
this is fucking stupid.
This is not fucking stupid,
Petra! Okay?
It's not fucking stupid!
I'm getting into character.
She needs this. I need this.
The only person
that doesn't need to...
- [Petra] Fuck you, Donny!
- ...fucking be here
right now is you!
You are providing no fucking
service of any kind. Okay?
Just shut the fuck up!
Sorry about that. Okay.
Did your parents
love each other?
Yes. Next question.
- [Donald] Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Next question, please.
[Donald] Now...
What really happened
to your parents, Nik?
You gotta be honest with me.
I mean, it's gonna
make you feel better.
- Why are you asking me this?
- A lot better. Because it's...
- Why the fuck
are you asking me this?
- ...my craft.
Your dad shot your mom.
- What are you doing?
- Your dad--
- You don't know anything.
- No, your dad shot your mom,
- and then he hung himself.
- Knock it off, dude!
You know what--
Was he possessed?
Did a supernatural force
make him do it?
I mean, you said yourself
they're happily married
for 25 years.
- What the fuck
are you talking about?
- Happy marriage for 25 years.
And all of a sudden,
he just fucking shoots your mom?
- Why are you asking me this?
- Why the hell would he do that?
- Why would your dad--
- Shut up! Shut up!
Why would your dad--
shot your mom!
I told you that in confidence,
you asshole!
Why would your father
shoot your mother?
- Why do you give a shit?
- And then fucking hang himself?
No, stop!
I'm asking you to stop!
I'm literally
asking you to stop!
- He shot your mom!
- Stop it!
- Why would he possibly do it?
- I don't know!
There's no possible reason why
a man would do that to his wife!
This is my house!
Get the fuck out of my house!
- Get out of my house!
- It doesn't make
any sense here. Why?
Why would your father
shoot your mother...
- Why do you give a shit?
- ...and then
fucking hang himself?
Why do you fucking care?
It has nothing to fucking do
with you, you piece of shit!
He loved her!
Nikki, why would he do it?
Fuck you! Stop it!
Your dad shot your mom
- and then he hung himself!
- Stop it! Stop it!
Nikki, we're not done yet!
Nikki!
- Nikki, we're not done yet.
- [glass shatters]
- Nikki! Nikki!
- Fuck you, asshole!
- Please!
Are you fucking insane?
- You wanna get fucked?!
[overlapping chatter]
Shut your fucking mouth,
you fucking cunt!
Shut the fuck up!
You want to it pry into my soul
for your dumb fucking movie
that no one's
ever gonna fucking see
because it's a dumb fucking
movie,
and you think
it's so fucking good?
You're not even gonna
book the part,
you fucking asshole!
You want to interrogate me,
my father murdered my mother
because she fucking cheated him.
And then he killed himself...
[mutters]
- You're fucking right!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, Nikki.
- [screams]
- I'm just acting.
I'm just acting!
- I'm an actor, too!
- I'm an actor, please!
I'm an actor, too.
I'm an actor-- I'm acting.
- [whispers] I'm acting.
- [Petra chuckles]
[Donald whimpers]
- So funny!
- [Petra laughing]
[sighs]
I like that.
[chuckles]
Oh, my God!
[Petra and Nikki laughing]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[panting]
[laughing]
I am going to give...
such a nuanced performance.
[pants]
[tea kettle whistling]
What?
What?
What?
Well, I was just, um...
I was just wondering
when we were gonna
talk about your TV career.
[chuckles]
In the year 2000,
I hosted one of
the first female-led
ghost hunting reality TV shows
on network television.
[chuckles]
It lasted half a season.
Got a bunch of negative reviews.
And that was that.
Wait, so... so you're an actor.
Why did you give it up?
I found my true calling.
Hmm.
Do you ever have, like,
an itch to get back to it?
No!
Okay.
[Eliza] The Mallam Extractum.
This is the preeminent text
for summoning and extracting
spirits.
And this is
an original manuscript.
Great.
I use it as a guiding force
for my practices.
And the work begins now.
[tense music playing]
[chanting in Latin]
[panting]
[chanting in Latin]
[panting]
So, is this like--
is it training then?
[mimicking growls]
Oh, this is
more than training, Clayton.
[mimicking growls]
This is evolution.
Here we go!
You are a worthy being.
I am a worthy being!
You are your own being.
I am my own being!
You are free of thought
and free of mind.
I am free of thought
and free of mind!
You are your best self!
I am my best self.
I am my best self!
I am my best self!
- Say it!
- I am my best self!
- Louder!
- I am my best self!
[bell tolling]
[clock ticking]
All right.
Close your eyes.
I want you
to think about your life.
Think about your family,
think about your friends...
boyfriends, girlfriends.
Now, tell me about
the worst day of your life.
There are plenty.
Pick one.
I called my mom a bitch once.
Where's your mother now?
- [breathing deeply]
- She left me.
And your father?
Off in Miami messing around
with his boy toy, Max.
I see.
Are they happy?
Yeah.
[Eliza breathing deeply]
Clayton...
Yes.
Are you telling me
the truth about your mother?
[old time jazzy music playing]
[Clayton's mother humming]
[humming continues]
[music stings]
I killed her.
[music sting]
I crashed my car,
and I killed her.
[music sting]
She was my best friend.
[crying]
It's okay.
[crying]
It's okay.
[vomits]
[groans]
[tense music playing]
It is now time...
to perform the ritual.
Okay.
One last thing...
blood magic is essential
in luring a demon.
Yeah,
how much blood do we need?
Oh, not your blood,
sweetie.
[speaking in Latin]
Come here.
[goat bleats]
Think of your mother,
think of Donald.
Think of all your past failures.
Let them go.
- [Clayton grunting]
- [knife stabbing]
[goat whining]
[tense music playing]
At this point,
it is imperative
that your eyes remain closed.
But if my eyes are closed,
how am I gonna see the spirits?
Well, let's just say
you're gonna feel them.
Okay.
All right. Great.
So, once we begin the ritual,
it's very important that neither
of us leave the house.
Because, you see...
if the spirits escape whilst
we're in the process of
summoning them,
we have no idea
what havoc they will create.
Clayton Walker...
your mind has been possessed
by evil spirits.
As I stand here before you,
I address the spirits
that have corrupted
your every thought and desire.
Clayton Walker, do you hear me?
Yes.
Spirits inside
of Clayton Walker,
do you hear me?
[tense music playing]
Whoa! Whoa!
What the fuck!
What are you doing?
You've ruined it!
Ruined what? You just started
to fucking stab me.
Oh, stop being neurotic.
I'm performing
an ancient ritual.
Fuck this and fuck the ritual!
Oh, Clayton.
Honey, slow down. Clayton.
[muttering]
Trusting that fucking psycho!
God--
So, that's it?
You're giving up?
Well, I guess
that's why you don't get
any of the roles you want.
Are you out of your mind?
You just tried to stab me.
Oh, come on.
It's an ancient ritual.
That was just an act of
intimidation designed to
lure out the evil spirits.
It's just part of the process.
Yeah, well, I didn't see or feel
any evil spirits, did you?
Well, you did open your eyes
and run off, silly.
Yeah, I tend to do that
when I see someone
raise a knife on me, Eliza!
- What? You think I'm going to--
- What?! What do you want?
You think I'm going to flip
a switch and extract a demon?
[grunts sarcastically]
Well, you're going to flip
a switch and become a star.
I mean, let's get real.
After all of your years
as a failed actor,
I would expect you
to understand that
anything that's worth having
takes patience, darling,
takes tenacity.
Oh, tenacity? Okay.
Well, I don't think I'm prepared
to wait out my whole life
for some evil spirits that may
or may not blow on my neck,
or do whatever
the fuck they do, Eliza.
[humming echoing]
And I have loved you
for so long
Delighting in your company
You were doing so well.
Why were you singing that song?
I know deep down you believe,
Clayton.
I can feel it in your soul.
[dramatic music playing]
Why don't I make us some tea?
You could take a bath,
take a little time to yourself.
Please, don't leave.
[Eliza humming]
Greensleeves are my delight
Greensleeves are my delight
[tea kettle whistling]
Tea is ready.
Okay.
Ahh.
- You have a nice cock, darling.
- [chokes]
Not too big, not too small.
Just perfect.
[clears throat]
I don't see you returning
to your old life after all this.
I mean, let's face it,
it was pretty empty...
emotionally.
[breathes deeply]
Boring.
What excites you, Clayton?
I don't know.
You know what excites me?
Death.
[chuckles]
Okay.
- Then why haven't--
- Why haven't I killed myself?
Yeah.
I've been planning my exit into
hell for a very long time.
Last thing I want to do
is waste it on a simple suicide.
[Clayton laughing]
[both laughing]
Your turn.
I wanna be a movie star.
[Eliza laughs]
Why do you want to be
a movie star, Clayton?
Because it's... it's validation,
proof I was right.
Can't you prove that
to yourself?
I mean, why do you need some
producer to prove that for you?
- No, it's not the same.
- Why?
Just because.
That's not an answer.
Because it's-it's obvious,
Eliza.
Is it?
You land a big role
and then...
and then you deliver
in that role and you prove
that you can do it.
I just--
I don't see the joy in that.
I mean, if I want to
prove something to myself,
I just...
prove it to myself.
Okay, well, then it's not--
It's not just for myself.
- Well, then,
who is it for, Clayton?
- It's for everyone. Okay?
Everyone will know
they were wrong about me.
Everyone who thought--
who thought I was a fool
for pursuing this life,
every other actor who--
who thought
they were better than me.
I want to see them standing...
- [laughing]
- ...on their miserable feet,
clapping for me. Clayton!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Like this. Okay.
I could do that for you
right now, Clayton.
That's it.
Why don't you take a bow?
Take a bow, Clayton.
Take a bow.
Come on, sweetie.
Take a bow.
Where are you gonna be, sweetie?
Maybe up in the sky
- looking down at them?
- It doesn't fucking matter.
It does not matter to me.
Just knowing
that it's happening,
that's all that I need.
Okay. But who cares?
I mean, really.
I mean,
you don't care about them.
They don't care about you.
You just told me
how miserable they all are.
I mean who cares?
Who cares?!
I do.
[breathing heavily]
It makes you want to
punch Donald in the face
every time you see him,
don't you, darling?
Go on.
You tell me
what you want to do to him.
I want to cut his head off
with a buzz saw
and put it in the dumpster.
[breathes heavily]
You see,
if you let go of all that,
Donald doesn't matter...
none of it matters.
Only you matter, sweetie.
Only you.
[Clayton's breathing staggard]
I told my mom
I would make it.
She believed
I would make it.
I'm gonna make it.
- Yes.
- [cries]
Oh, yes, darling.
Oh, yes.
Come here. Come here.
- [sniffles] Ooh.
- Let it go.
[Clayton's mom] Clayton, honey.
What the fuck?!
[panting]
I just--
I just heard my--
I just heard my mom.
Yeah.
She's here.
[Clayton's mom] Clayton, honey.
What the fuck?
[Clayton's mom humming echoes]
[sizzling]
[screams]
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[panting]
[humming continues]
[grunts]
Come on!
How do I get out of here?
You don't.
Oh, yeah?
- Fuck!
- [Clayton's mom] Clayton.
What's so funny?
You.
Why won't the window break?
Maybe you're not supposed to
leave here, Clayton.
Yeah, you wanna fuck with me?
[yells]
[Clayton grunts]
[groaning]
[gasps]
[choking]
[Eliza yelling]
[glass shatters]
[spits]
[laughing]
[chokes]
Kill me. Come on. Come on.
Do it.
[chokes, grunts]
Come on. Kill me. Kill me.
[choking]
[panting]
[crying]
[Clayton] Where is my mom?
Oh...
She's right in here.
[mumbling]
Shh...
What do you want from me?
You see, I've been
thinking about what you said.
And I did
want more out of life.
I always... wanted a family.
I-I actually wanted a son.
[tense music playing]
Let's see...
You do seem a little confused.
Perhaps this shall
help clear your mind.
- [sizzling]
- [screams]
[groans]
Aah.
It was a trap.
My boy... we have a higher
calling to attend to.
Now, repeat after me.
[speaking in Latin]
Clayton, repeat!
[speaking in Latin]
[speaking in Latin]
[speaking in Latin]
Now, come to me.
Come to me, my son.
[old time jazzy music playing]
- [tense music playing]
- [baby crying]
You're stupid! You're dumb!
Stupid! Dumb!
[Eliza] The green tea has
finally paralyzed your body.
Now, we can be together...
forever.
All I've ever wanted
is a child...
to feed... to bathe...
to love.
[sighs]
Clayton, I've been
waiting for you my whole life.
[chuckles]
I'd really love it
if you would call me mom.
- Mom.
- [chuckles]
Oh, it's so nice.
[chuckles]
Yeah, it tickles me a little.
Mom.
[chuckles]
[grunts]
Oh, no.
Mommy's right here.
Ooh, she's right here.
[panting]
[Eliza] Where are you going?
[Clayton panting]
[tense music playing]
[growling]
[snarling]
[screaming]
[grunts]
[snarls]
[panting]
[tense music playing]
[moaning]
[tense music playing]
[screaming]
[Clayton continues screaming]
Sometimes I feel like
I'm not normal.
What is normal, anyway?
Right? I guess...
like everyone else.
I get stupid thoughts sometimes.
I keep them to myself
because I don't want anyone
thinking I'm a weirdo.
I wonder if everyone
get strange thoughts
but just don't want to admit it.
I think we all get strange
thoughts.
You wanna know
what kind of thoughts I get?
Well... I can't tell you
because it's too embarrassing.
[beeping]
[woman] That was great.
Really, really great.
- Thank you.
- Really great, Donald.
Okay. Where do you guys--
where do you guys
shoot this one?
- We'll give you a call.
- Yeah? Okay, yeah.
The financing and all that
kinda... stuff.
Well, just give me a text,
call, email, DM.
I do it all.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, bye, guys.
Crushed it!
Christ, he was awful.
Terrible.
High school acting.
He gets jobs?
Commercials mostly.
All right, who's next?
Ah, well, it was supposed to be
Clayton Walker.
He was supposed to
be here before Donald,
but he didn't show.
I followed up with his agent,
but--
- [man 1] You're kidding.
- [man 2] I liked that guy.
- He-he was good.
- [woman] He was. Wasn't he?
[man 1]
He really had something special.
["Greensleeves" playing]
Alas, my love
You do me wrong
To cast me off
discourteously
For I have loved you
for so long
Delighting in your company
Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves
my heart of gold
And who but
my Lady Greensleeves
Yo, yo.
Standing on the highway
doin' it my way
I like to spray
all kinda words
I'm so disturbed
Bustin' a nut
all over you herbs
That's how I do it, yeah
Read the blurbs
Rollin' up
through the suburbs
Rub-a-dub-dub
Slashin' all your throats
and drinkin' up your blood
Leavin' you face down
Breathin' in the mud
Ha-ha-ha
fuckin' Elmer Fudd
That's how I got it
I don't stop
I be blowin' up this bitch
on this tic and this tok
And you be suckin' on
this dick aka'in my cock
I'm keepin' that shit
for your mom
and it's hard as a rock
When I do my dirty business
I keep on my spark
And I do it shit cold
call me Spock
[man] That was tight.
And... what is up, everybody?
Friday the 18th.
Fucking livestreaming demonic--
it is gonna be insane.
Gaming, fun. If you don't come,
you're fucking dead to me.
Seven PM eastern time,
18th, Friday.
Be there!
Yeah, so,
was sitting on this bench.
Yeah, my ass on the bench.
And over here
it was just... a plant.
So I see this fuckin' plant,
and I decided
I'm gonna put it up my ass.
Because it's that
kind of ass plant.
Planted in my ass.
I want it.