Diamonds (1999) Movie Script
1
It's been a long,
hard climb to the top.
30,000 spectators have jammed
into the Las Vegas Arena...
to see the champion, Harry
Agensky, the Polish Prince,
defend his title.
He came to this country in 1927
at the age of 11,
and he's been fighting
ever since.
But tonight, he's in
for the fight of his life.
Nobody has
taken more punishment.
Nobody has
overcome more adversity.
From the depths of poverty
to champion of the world.
This really
is the American dream.
I hope Grandpa's in good
enough shape to go to Banff.
Are you kidding?
He could be comatose.
Even if he was in a coma, he'd figure
out some way to come on this trip.
You got a light or
something? Yeah, right there.
Hey! Where'd you get
that? Cigarette fairy, man.
What the hell? I hope
you're proud of yourself!
I've never seen you
with one of those!
Mom's boyfriend lets me smoke,
Dad. Sam? Sam's a pothead.
Ex-pothead.
His parole officer has him
speaking at high schools now.
I'm sure he's
a great role model.
Mom says he's twice the man
you ever were.
Now, if you've got something on
your mind, come out with it and say it.
Fine. Fine. I'm not moving in with
you after Mom's wedding, okay?
There.
It's up to you.
You're right, it's up to me.
It's up to you.
Aunt Roseanne!
Uncle Moses!
Hey, there he is!
Hey!
Oh, man, this is phat!
Michael, you made it.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
Hey!
Boy, look at this kid.
How'd you get so big? What?
I had nothin' better to do,
man. I know who you wanna see.
Hello, Lance.
Nice to see ya!
Huh-uh, no need to be sarcastic.
Well, it's nice to
see you too. Yeah.
So, shithead.
Hey!
Open your mouth as wide
as you comfortably can...
and stick your tongue
straight out,
keeping it very still,
to the count of four.
Then bring it back in
and let it rest.
We'll do eight of this exercise.
So far you're doing just fine.
Grandpa?
Hey!
Ah!
Keep studying your Polish. Okay.
Bev, this is Mikey.
She's cute. Mind if I have her
number? Hey. Lay off my gal.
Yes, sir.
Bev, I've got company.
Grandpa, are you okay?
You know, Mikey,
a stroke is God's way...
of trying to make me shut up.
But it didn't work.
Does it hurt?
Frustrated.
See, my thoughts are out there,
but my words
are crawling behind.
But Bev helps me.
"A," "B," "C," "D,"
"E," "F," "G,"
"H," "I," "J"...
Grandpa, what is this?
"The skunk sat on a stump.
The skunk thump the... thunk
the stump stunk"? Tongue twisters.
- Just exercises.
- But you're gonna be okay, right?
You know, Mikey,
the older I get,
the better it was.
Hmm. Hah!
I know why you're
really here, Lance.
It won't work. What
are you talking about?
You wanna make peace with Pa and by
some miracle get him to say he loves you.
You talk like we're
gonna elope or something.
Pa showed it to me
in your Father's Day column.
Hey, I never sent that here.
I wore that robe
for my title fight.
Are you sure I can have it?
- Well, on one condition.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
Never become a boxer.
Grandpa, did you ever think that
maybe you got your stroke from boxing?
After all these years?
Maybe. Maybe.
Oh!
What's the worst he's done?
There's a lot to choose from, I'll tell ya.
Last week at the Cooper's he
got drunk, started singing, yelling.
He was babbling a whole
bunch of nonsense. No
one knew what the hell
he was talking about.
I had to drag our father
out of the room, Lance.
That's because you let him
mix alcohol with his medication.
You never, never
let him do that!
You're an asshole,
you know that?
Oh, that was a long time ago.
A hundred years ago.
He was tough.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Yes, I remember.
Oh.
Can you read English?
"World Champion."
Yeah.
Harry Agensky.
Who's this guy?
Duff the Muff Coogan.
Big time Reno gangster.
He wanted me
to drop a fight
and pay me in diamonds.
Diamonds?
Yeah.
Thirteen big ones that he stole.
So what happened?
I dropped the fight.
So you got the diamonds?
Well,
Ellie wouldn't let me keep them.
I always see her that way.
So you just
gave the diamonds back?
Well, not exactly.
We buried the diamonds in
the kitchen wall of his house...
so I could get them
whenever I wanted.
So why don't you go get 'em?
I forgot the address.
Somewhere in Reno.
But I will find the address,
and I will get
these magic diamonds.
Magic diamonds?
You'll see.
I need the diamonds.
I'm not going to end up
in an old man's home,
eating soft food.
Let's go.
What's Pa wanna do?
Pa wants to rent the Al thorn Ranch
and hire a companion to take care of him.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah, well, the ranch is what?
Four grand a month? And a
good companion costs another two.
Where does he think he's
gonna get the money to pay for it?
Magic diamonds.
I thought he was over that.
No. See, he's never
over anything, Lance.
He just keeps getting worse
and worse and worse.
Hi, Pop.
Why are Moses and Roseanne
so hard on Grandpa?
Oh, it's not that.
They love him.
It's just that
it's been hard for them.
Dad, I was thinking.
What do you say instead of going
to Banff, the three of us go to Reno?
He told you the diamond story?
Yeah.
Michael, when your grandma
died, Pa was under a lot of stress.
He started with this wild
story of Duff the Muff...
and stolen diamonds
and a fixed fight.
How many dreams could he possibly
have left? The least we could do is try.
Michael, he's an old man!
Who I'll probably
never see again.
You said we were gonna have an
adventure. Well, I got news for you.
Moses and Roseanne don't think
he's well enough to go to Banff.
All he wants him doing is going
out for walks around the house.
Wait.
What are you saying?
I'm saying we could go to Banff
ourselves or stay here and hang with Pa.
Grandpa says
they can go to hell.
What do you wanna do?
Kidnap him? Yeah, before sunrise.
He says we could be up, over the
border before they even wake up.
He even knows a crossing
no one knows, man. Come on!
Look, I'm gonna go talk to Pa.
Let's get a couple hours sleep,
then the three of us are out of here.
What about Moses and Roseanne?
Screw 'em.
So what do we do now?
Just wake him up?
See if he packed his bag.
I'll get his medicine.
- Moses!
- Lance, Pa.
It's Lance,
your other son. Lance.
Whatever your name is.
Lance.
His mother gave him that name.
I don't want to forget Bev.
Hmm.
Is he gonna be okay?
Christ, I hope so.
What are you staring at?
Let's go.
Pa, be quiet!
- Pa, it's nice to have you with us.
- Why?
Well, because I want you
and Mikey to...
kinda get to know each other
a little better.
- Before I die?
- I didn't say that.
Mikey, never get old.
Just disappear.
Hey, that biker
just flipped me off.
Pa, what's going on here?
Did you do that?
All right, Pa. Here's the
border. Just let me do the talking.
Name, place of birth,
citizenship, purpose of trip.
- Hi, how're you doin'?
- Please, just answer the questions.
Sorry, I-I didn't mean...
I'm just being friendly.
Uh, I'm Lance Agensky. I was born in
Vancouver. I'm a naturalized American.
I'm taking a short vacation
with my son and my dad to Reno.
Born in Poland.
Polish.
- Huh?
- What did you say?
There's a girl named Bev
stuffed in the trunk.
- Mr. Agensky.
- Yeah?
Do you have
any illegal narcotics...
on your person
or in your vehicle?
Yeah. Uh, no. No.
No.
This is not a joke. Do you have a
criminal record of any kind? And don't lie.
- I checked the computer.
- No.
Okay. Your turn,
old man.
Are you now, or have you ever been
a member of the Communist Party?
No, no. No.
No.
All right. Good news,
gentlemen. You're all clear.
I don't think this man should
be traveling if he's so sick.
I'm just old.
Is that a crime?
Do you want to arrest me
because I'm old?
I mean, when my pappy lost it,
we couldn't take him anywhere.
If I were you... You're not him!
You have something to say,
say it to me!
Pa, calm down, now. He
means no harm, all right?
What type of medication
is he on?
I ought to smash your head.
Lance, hit him!
Pa, I think we'd just
better be going, all right?
I forgot.
My son won't hit you.
He's a writer.
Jeez.
Thank you for
your understanding.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Nice, Pa. Very nice.
You almost got us deported.
I'm bringing him back!
First he tells the customs officer
he's got Bev stuffed in the trunk.
- Sounds like you've got a problem.
- Hey, Michael!
- Michael, no!
- Problems, Lance? I wonder why.
I'm glad I made your day.
Michael! Hey!
Are you crazy?
Hey! Excuse me.
What are you doing? It's
my first cigarette in two days!
I'll tell you when you
get a cigarette. When?
With the blindfold,
just before I shoot you.
Guess what.
What?
Moses and Roseanne are going
to Seattle for a couple of days...
while they
have their house fumigated.
So you think it was a mistake
bringing him with us?
God, I hate it
when Moses is right.
It'll take two days for their
house to clear of pesticides.
Remember, we only have ourselves
to blame for this little scheme,
so I guess we just have to keep
sucking it up for his sake, huh?
Yeah, I'm game.
All right, now, Pa.
One more ridiculous stunt,
and I will turn this car around and
head back across the border so fast...
it will make your head spin.
Lance.
You look nervous.
I'll drive.
Right on, Grandpa!
You shouldn't
have taken my cigarette.
Just shut up and get
your little ass in the car.
Hey!
What are you doing?
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!
Okay, the road
is to your left, Grandpa.
Not so fast.
You wanna get there, don't you?
Right on, Grandpa!
I don't think
you should be driving.
I've been driving for 65
years. Wanna see my license?
Watch out!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Goddamn road hogs.
All right.
You drive.
I'm sorry,
but I have to try it again.
We stop every half hour, wait
20 minutes, and nothing happens.
But I have to try to go.
Dad, he's got to go.
Evening.
Hello.
I need a double room with
a cot, please. And a VCR.
No VCR.
Uh, would you have
a strong laxative?
The nearest drugstore is Dave's Drug
and Gun Emporium down the street.
If you hurry, it's still open.
Dave's Drug and Gun?
Mm-hmm.
Mikey, you take over.
What?
You a reporter?
Oh! Um...
Yeah, I'm a sports editor
for The San Jose Mercury.
- Really? I used to be...
- An asshole.
Tarzan LeCompte.
You tried to take my title
away, but I whupped you.
No!
You? It can't be!
I heard you were dead.
Made my day.
I'm going to straighten
that nose of yours.
You stupid frog, what the
hell are you doing here?
Tarzan, remember Duff
the Muff? Sure, who doesn't?
The Muff was a real guy?
That's a stupid question.
Will you give me
his address? Sure.
Thanks.
But no rematch.
I'd whip your behind.
You weren't good enough to
be bum of the month. What?
I was beating you bloody. If
it wasn't for that lucky punch,
you'd be begging me
for a rematch.
I knocked you out. Elvis was there
at ringside when you hit the deck.
Guys. Guys, about
the room, huh? I...
Follow me, kid.
Music in every room.
Oh, man.
Yo. Yo,
Elvis was the King.
I got all his tapes.
Enjoy.
And, Polack, forget the tip.
This was Ellie's favorite song.
Why? Why?
- Grandpa...
- Why did she have to die?
Why didn't you die?
You!
Grandpa.
Grandpa, it's gonna be okay.
It's fine.
It's just fine.
Everything's gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
It's just a mirror and a
vase. This is my Elvis room!
I'll... I'll pay for the damage.
I don't want your money.
I want blood.
Want blood?
Oh, no.
Pa, no. Pa!
I'll give you blood.
You're getting old, Harry.
You couldn't hit
the side of a barn.
Look at you.
Oh, look at you, Harry. You look
like an old basset. You can't even talk.
Oh!
Now you got blood.
I'll pay for the damages, sir.
Just go on and get out of here.
Go on!
And about that address...
No! From that ape,
I won't take it.
Grandpa, it's kind of important.
If it's from him, I won't go.
432 Bear Cat Drive.
What a sucker.
Let's get out of here.
We're going to be rich!
Okay, okay.
This is 431, 430, 432.
This is it.
Mmm.
Well, they aren't there.
Grandpa, what's up
with those shades?
I don't want people
to recognize me.
I had a big title fight
in Vegas.
A thousand years ago.
And, Pa, this is Reno.
Used to be all desert. Incredible.
No, Grandpa, this is Reno.
In my day, Vegas
was a neon whorehouse.
This here looks like a farm.
Hey, read my lips.
R-E-N-O. "Ree-no."
I'm not an idiot.
I know this is R-E-N-O.
Reno!
Now, drive,
or I'll take the wheel.
Pa, I don't know how to
tell you this, but the house...
I know. I know!
I was awake all the time.
Now we have to
track down the Muff.
Why?
He has the diamonds.
Look, I've got a better idea.
Why don't we go to one of these
wonderful casinos and have some fun?
No. No. No. Yeah, we
could play poker, the slots.
Get something to eat.
Get a room. We can kick it.
Shower, shave.
Think of it, Pa. No. No.
Your own toilet.
Okay.
Pa, can we get going?
Come on! Peter Piper picked...
If we're gonna go, let's go. I'm
hungry. a peck of pickled peppers.
How many pecks of pickled
peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Pa, the day's not getting
any longer. It's already 4:30.
The skunk sat on a stump.
Whoo!
I'm out.
I'm out.
How'd he get the name "The
Muff"? Was short for "muffins."
Oh, yeah. Uh, Coogan.
The Muff. Sure. Yes.
It must have been 15
years ago. That's right.
The guy tips me five bucks;
Ten minutes later he's dead.
Dead? They counted
32 bullet holes.
Thirty-two holes?
Yeah.
Who did it? If I knew,
do you think I'd tell you?
Ask his son.
And I raise you 50, sir.
Show me.
Straight flush.
Diamonds.
I know it hurts.
Thank you, sir.
A pleasure, gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa, you've got
to let me just do one quarter, please.
If the guard sees us,
we'll both end up in jail.
All right.
Oh, Grandpa,
look at all this money!
- Look at all this money.
- Thanks.
Whoo!
So let's go spend some moola!
I'm up for a
two-pound lobster dinner.
I'd like a CD player. And
how about something for Pa?
The most expensive
fedora we can find. Fedora!
You always looked good in a
hat. Ellie never liked me in a hat.
Oh, Pa. Pa,
the room's this way.
Pa!
Well, let's, uh, get some air.
Like, what is life all about?
I know. I know.
Ellie?
Remember?
Oh, how I miss you, Ellie.
Not bad, huh?
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
- No one move or he's dead!
- Okay!
- I want your money!
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Let's go! Now!
- There. Take it.
- Now move back!
- Michael, no! Forget it!
Michael, come back!
Come back! It's not worth it!
Dad! Dad! Dad!
Oh, my hand! My hand! He
sliced me, the son of a bitch!
Pa! Pa!
Don't fuck around
with the Polish Prince!
- Give me that.
- Come on.
He got his.
He sliced my hand.
That guy must be crazy. Did
you see what I did to him? It hurts.
I could have killed him.
Mikey, are you okay?
Hotel operator.
Can I help you?
Information. Do you have a
listing for Damon Coogan?
Hey, guess what. They sell The
Mercury News across the street.
My lucky day.
Pa, it's time to take your
pills now, all right? Yeah.
Moses? Lance. Remember?
I'm your other son.
Whatever the hell your name is.
I read your Father's Day column.
Well, that was six months
ago. I'm not made that way.
Pa, I wasn't writing specifically
about you. I was generalizing.
I never beat you,
and I was proud of that.
Great.
You know, you could never
catch a ball.
Moses understood me.
He even tried to learn Polish.
And I got mislaid
in the shuffle. I know.
Why do you say that?
Your mother understood you.
Did it ever occur to you
that I might have needed you?
Listen, Moses... uh, Lance.
Why don't you spend ten grand
on a shrink? I'll give you the money.
He'll tell you that it
was all your father's fault.
- I already did that.
- And that's what he said, no?
And not to make the
same mistake with my son.
And you did, didn't you?
Look, all I ever wanted from you
was just that you believe in me a little.
My little projects or whatever.
Just, you know, that you
gave me a little respect.
Respect? Why?
Why? Why?
I'm your son, goddamn it!
- You gave Moses everything!
- I never gave Moses any more respect.
Look, at this point,
I don't care.
Well, I care!
My father beat the hell
out of me.
And he never gave me
a pat on the back,
even when I won
the championship.
Just because your father
never gave you a pat on the back,
that gives you the right
to kick my ass?
I never kicked you in
the ass! Look at me.
Am I a monster?
Maybe I can't talk,
but I can read.
I can read.
Father's Day.
Look, why don't you just admit you
weren't there when I needed you?
Where was I?
In the saloon getting drunk?
No! I was
making a living!
I was training, running,
hitting the bag,
boxing, sparring, fighting,
getting my brains knocked out!
And for what?
For you.
For Moses. For Ellie!
For my family!
Pa!
I tried.
Goddamn it, I tried.
I tried it the best I could.
I tried. I tried.
I always tried my best.
Pa, I'm sorry.
I love you, Pa.
Are you proud of yourself?
It's between him and me.
You know the difference between you
and Sam is? Sam's a man and you're a wuss.
What? I should never
have come on this trip.
Wait a minute.
Y-You wanted to come.
This was supposed to be
our special time together.
No, Mom wanted
to be alone with Sam.
She said I had a choice
between you and Auntie Elba.
Oh, great. I beat out
a 90-year-old Nazi.
Look, I need a smoke
and a beer, all right? What?
Hey, Michael,
come back here. Hey!
- Where are you going?
- Just back off, all right?
Michael!
Mmm.
Michael!
Where have you been?
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I've been right here.
"Right here."
What's the legal drinking age
in Nevada now?
Is it still 21?
Or is it 18 or 12?
Actually, in Nevada, you
can drink soda at any age.
I'm sorry. I...
Can I join ya?
It'll cost ya.
All right, I...
I'm listening.
You have to tell me what
your biggest regret in life is.
All right. I'll tell you
my one big regret.
I never had a relationship
with my father.
- Is that your fault?
- I don't know.
Oh, come on. You know it's
always the dad's fault, right?
And I think I'm creating
the same dynamic with you.
Is that your fault?
Well, I heard an expert once
say it's always the dad's fault.
Really? Well, that expert must
have been a pretty smart guy.
His father was pretty
smart. Really? Cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hmm.
That's pushing it.
- Do you speak English?
- I am. What Coogan?
I'll take a-any Coogan you got.
We don't have any, sir.
Oh.
Well, how about unlisted?
Unlisted?
Yeah. The...
I can't do that.
Oh. Give me a little hint. Sir.
Hey, how about if I offer
to pay you money?
Are you drunk?
I'm not drunk!
- Good-bye.
- I... Hello? Hello?
So, when was the first
time you got stoned?
What makes you think
I ever got stoned?
Because you're not
a total loser.
Oh, that's how it works, huh?
You're hip, so you get stoned.
Look, you don't want
to answer, fine. Forget it.
Her name was Gissa.
I was 21,
dating a 39-year-old woman.
Damn!
She was gorgeous.
I mean...
She puts these headphones
on me, rolls me up a jay.
What music did she play?
Neil Diamond.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
Don't ever tell
Grandpa, huh? Aw.
This time we'll make our
lips smile and then pucker.
Bring your lips up into a big
smile with your teeth closed.
The happy face pucker
will look like this.
Let's go, Bev. Five,
six, seven, eight.
Now that our lips
are getting limber,
we'll do some lip smacks.
I got you.
And you pay for dinner.
And I'm hungry!
No, I... Get up!
Harry, your fly's open.
Nothing will fly out.
Mmm. Another vodka.
Uh, double.
That should make you happy.
Oh, you'd better believe it.
Pa, if there was one thing that you
could do, what would that one thing be?
Get laid.
Oh, yeah!
You the man!
What did you say?
Listen, I'm serious.
I haven't had sex
in eight years!
- Pa, please.
- I'm a man, goddamn it!
Before I go,
I wanna have a woman.
He's not been well.
He's had a stroke.
Oh, who gives a damn
about itsy-bitsy stroke?
Sit down,
Just sit down, will you?
You old drunk!
You're a bunch of pussies.
Pussies!
P-U-S-S... S... How are my S's?
- Perfect.
- Perfect? Very good.
I'm not buying
a prostitute for you.
I hear that college girls...
are really into old men
with slurred speech.
- Kind of kinky.
- Yeah.
But who am I to complain?
All right. I'll find a
place and drop you off.
When was the last time
you had sex?
Pa, not in front of my
son, all right? Oh, come on!
He hasn't gotten any
since him and Mom separated.
And I bet you're a virgin.
Oh, please!
I am not a virgin.
- I'm not.
- A toast.
To my last love,
to Mikey's first...
and to Lance's... whatever.
- I think not.
- Why not?
I'm not gonna be a party
to you learning about
women being bought
and sold as commodities.
- They are not cattle.
- You need sex more than I do.
And Mikey has to start sometime.
If your mother ever found out
we were even talking about this,
I would lose visitation
rights for eternity.
I'd... I'd be willing
to risk that.
Gentlemen, two Cokes.
There you go.
And... a... double.
Uh,
"June," where is the best
chicken ranch in town?
- Pa, come on!
- I beg your pardon?
Oh. Uh...
I know just the place.
The girls are the best.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Read it.
"State of Nirvana. Sister
Sin-Dee and Girls Incorporated.
"Five miles east on Logger's
Road off High Point's Pass.
- Ten percent off with this card."
- I'm ready!
Ahh! Like
Red Hot Henry Brown.
Who's he?
The hottest man in town.
He's cut off.
That's it.
Dad, there's a lot of cultures
in the world... Mm-hmm.
Where fathers take their sons to
the local madam to lose their virginity.
It can be a very powerful
bonding experience. Fine.
You know what I'm saying? No.
What made this country great?
Democracy.
Uh, your point being?
Let's have a vote.
Oh! That sounds
totally fair, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be
outvoted. You can't be sure.
What? You're not
gonna vote yes?
I wanna vote yes, but I'll
vote no out of respect for you.
Oh. I was
born yesterday.
Look, just give me
the respect of a vote, okay?
I'll give you the respect of a no. I
don't think women are cattle either.
Just trust me, okay?
Lance, if you don't
trust your own son...
Right. Okay. Good.
I'll trust you.
Because if you don't have trust,
I mean, you have nothing, right?
Okay. Go, Congressman.
It's your vote.
I vote yes, I go.
We have nothing.
I wanted to vote no, okay?
My testosterone just took over.
It's not my fault
I was born a male, okay?
It's your turn, Grandpa.
Mikey, I told him to trust you.
I have to trust my son.
I vote no.
Thank you.
Shit!
Take it like a man.
No, I don't have to take it
like anything, Grandpa.
Now I see why you
drove my dad nuts, huh?
Wait a minute.
There's one more vote.
Oh, right. Lance.
Sorry we forgot you.
Go ahead. Vote away.
You already know my vote.
That's not how a democracy
works. Oh, right. Right.
It works on lies?
Just vote, okay?
All right.
Yes. I knew you...
What? Yes, what?
Yes, I'm going to hell
in a handcart.
Yes, I'm going to the penitentiary
at the hand of your mother.
And yes, you're about
to have an experience...
that I will probably lament
for the rest of my life.
Yes? Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
You look cool, Grandpa.
Cool?
Hey, I'm cold.
Don't you ever put the top up?
Pa, you know it's broken.
You know, I hate to
mention it at this point,
but what if they say
Michael's too young?
No prob. I got a California
I.D. that says I'm 21.
Does every 18-year old
have a fake I.D.?
You did. Hey, come
on. You were 18 once.
Can't you remember
that far back?
I was only 18 for about a year.
I feel 15 or maybe 16.
Well, ring the bell.
Right.
Hi. Hi. Hello.
Hello. Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, wow.
This is a nice place.
Thank you.
My name is Sin-Dee.
Miss Sin-Dee.
Mm-hmm.
What's yours?
I'm Michael.
Lance.
Does Harry the Polish Prince
ring a bell?
Oh, now, let me think.
You're the Prince of Poland.
Very funny.
I was a welterweight
boxing champion of the world.
Ooh, very impressive.
He was the best.
How old are you?
I'm 24.
Twenty-one.
- Whose idea was it to bring you here?
- He has a California I.D.
I don't really
have an I.D.
I was just saying that.
You have an I.D. card.
- Remember? - Pa.
- What?
In your pocket.
The alley.
Oh.
Ohh!
Yeah.
Oh. Your name
is Benjamin Franklin?
Uh, his friends call him Benjie.
Benjie, here's your hundred.
I'm sure your father will take
care of your bill very generously.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's a big tipper.
I'm glad to hear that. Ah,
father, son. Father, son.
- A family project.
- One for all and all for one.
Ah, lovely.
Well, since you're here,
I'll let it go this time.
This really, really means a lot
to me. Thank you, Miss Sin-Dee.
Mm-hmm. Follow me.
Girls?
- Guys, you all right?
- Couldn't be better.
Uh, Mikey, you choose first.
Um, well, first off, ladies, I...
I want you all to know
that I have great respect...
for you all as women.
I-I do. And in no way do
I think of you as objects,
but more as pieces of art.
Um, you know, you're
beautiful and feminine and...
Hi... real flesh and bone.
Um, I also support equal
rights and equal pay for women...
Little boy, I don't care
if you respect me or not.
I just want you to caress every part of
my body as I grind my hips into yours.
I want to lick your ear and push
my hands down your pants...
and make you cry for mercy as I
take you to places so good it hurts.
- Um, I'm gonna take her.
- Good.
See you later, Dad.
Ahh.
I feel like a kid
in a candy store.
First, a bottle of champagne.
Maybe two.
Ooh.
Let's see.
Her, her,
the one with the big tongue.
Ladies, lead the way.
I live dangerously
because I'm Red Hot Henry Brown,
the hottest man in town.
We're waiting.
Holy shit.
You can make it.
Come on.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Okay, smart boy,
what's it gonna be?
'Cause I do it all.
Uh, h-how about a...
shoulder rub?
Th-That'd be good.
I've been driving.
Oh.
A shy one.
Okay. We'll take it
really slow.
Let's go upstairs.
One more drink before we start.
Men, I salute you.
Follow me.
Follow me if you please.
Uh, halt.
What a beautiful platoon.
Our mission:
A trip to paradise.
Volunteers?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, ohh.
Look, I'm just not
into paying for sex.
So, what? I get
paid for nothing?
Have you ever heard of
self-respect for a job well done?
Sure, sure, but... Probably think I'm white
trash, and you're not attracted to me.
Oh, now, you know
you're a beautiful young woman.
I'm average. Whatever you
think. That's not my point.
So then you're
not attracted to me?
Look. You're
being paid for it.
You know, that's what's wrong with America.
Everybody wants something for nothing.
Well, not me. I won't sit at
home and collect welfare.
I got a job.
I pay taxes.
And I have
great job satisfaction.
And I will not let some
bourgeoisie try and stop me.
"Bourgeoisie"? What kind
of call girl are you, anyway?
- You think I'm a victim?
- Ooh.
That I got a heart of gold and
that all I really want is a good man...
who doesn't drink
and won't beat me?
Have you ever touched a
breast as lovely as mine?
Does bumped into count?
Um... Are you okay?
Y-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm fine.
Have you ever experienced...
sexual ecstasy?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I mean, by myself.
Put your hand in here.
Do it.
- Do you like it?
- Yes, yes.
It-It's nice.
It's really nice.
Are you okay?
I...
Oh, um... I'm sorry.
For what?
I-I, um...
I-I'm finished.
I'm done.
Thank you.
You know, your problem is
you don't know how to have sex.
You only know how to make love.
And there's a problem with that?
Only making love
denies the animal in us,
the bestial impulse
that wraps two human beings...
in a ball of flesh,
tongues, and sweat.
Ah. Bestial impulse. Yeah.
Should've said so before.
Look. I can't make love
with a woman who won't kiss me,
and call girls
aren't supposed to kiss, right?
But warriors
devour their enemies.
Tongues and flesh.
- I don't know.
- I think he got scared.
Everybody out.
I used to be a bull.
What a fool.
A ridiculous fool.
Four women. Why not?
In my dreams, I've had dozens.
Were you married long?
Forty-five wonderful years.
Forty-five years
with one special person?
You were lucky.
She's still here.
Well, after 45 years,
I would hope so.
Would she mind your being here?
Ellie just wanted me
to be happy.
Ooh. Strong hands.
Yeah.
That's how I made my living.
The Polish Prince.
Once, they were made of stone.
But now they're made
of flesh and blood,
with stories that
make up a full life.
And the story's over.
No. I see dreams
unrealized.
I see darkness and light,
a lot of love
and a little bit of fright.
You know, I think these hands...
would tell a better story.
Tell me.
Tell you what?
Your story.
Please. I want to know.
I've been asked my story
a thousand times...
and told a thousand lies,
whatever they wanted to hear.
Courtesan, Earth mother.
But what is the truth?
Hmph. We each have our own.
Well, you were once
a little girl.
Where did you live?
Small town near the railroad.
Watching the trains whizzing by?
Yes. Especially
the Express.
Glimpses of waiters in white coats
serving fine ladies and gentlemen.
Wondering where they were going.
I wanted to be on that train going
anywhere to take me out of this town.
And then what happened?
Along came this wonderful guy.
Took me on that train...
to all those places
I'd always dreamed about.
Ohh. I loved him.
Then suddenly one day...
I never knew why...
He wasn't there.
So, I, uh... I was alone.
I had to make my way,
and finally I ended up
where I am.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I made my choice... my life.
Sin-Dee...
you're a fine woman.
Shall we dance?
Ellie loved to dance.
She was quite a woman.
She was. She is.
Look, um, I have... I
have a confession to make.
I've never had
intercourse before, and...
I've only been to second
base with... with Kelly Rush.
Don't laugh.
It's not funny.
I just lost my best chance at,
you know, losin' it.
When I was your age,
life was so confusing.
My one regret is not saying
"good-bye" to this boy down the street:
Tony.
I loved him.
I know he loved me.
So if you're anything like Tony,
then you have it in you
to do it again, easy.
How easy?
As easy as you want,
Tony.
That's it, honey. Just relax
while I take off your clothes.
What's wrong with this thing?
Did... Did, um...
You did.
Did you?
Look, um, I don't want
to talk about it, okay?
But don't laugh, okay?
It's not funny.
Forget sex.
Just keep your pants on
and hold me tight. Mm.
Mm.
When did you have the stroke?
Just after my wife died.
Ooh.
Must've been hard.
Well, at the beginning
I couldn't talk.
I started to say something,
and I babbled like a baby,
and my-my m-mouth was...
Was drooping.
Grotesque. I didn't
want to see anybody.
I didn't want anybody to see me.
I just went into... into my room,
closed the blinds,
crawled into bed...
and cried and cried and cried.
Do you still cry?
Sometimes,
when the sun goes down.
But... I'm here!
You're a very, very brave man.
Brave? I'm a pussycat.
Ellie made me snap out of it.
I remember her saying,
"Things can always be worse."
So I decided to work
on speech therapy cassettes.
"Oral aerobics."
"Oral"?
Yes. Lip and tongue exercises,
you know?
Hey, not bad.
You know, there was
a three-year-old girl...
lived next door.
Kelsey.
Beautiful child.
When I started to talk,
I talked like her.
But I kept working.
And then one day I said,
"Kelsey,
say 'transcontinental.'"
She couldn't say it.
I left her in the dust.
Are you scared?
Yes. I'm scared.
I am too.
Mm. We hide it.
You know,
when I was in junior high,
my body used to crave the
touch of a woman's hand.
It was, like...
You know, a thrill to it.
It was fire. And here
it is 30 years later.
I feel like that fire has
been completely reignited.
Man. With you, Tiff,
I feel reborn again.
My nerves are back, you know?
So let's do it.
My limit's twice in an
evening. You know, I mean...
I meant, take me with you.
- You're joking.
- No.
No lie?
You'd roll with me?
Yeah.
Ohh, man.
It'd be totally ultra-rock.
I'm sorry.
You want a smoke?
Uh, no. No, thanks.
Where'd you learn how to do that incredible
thing with your tongue? The what?
You know, the...
Oh, that! Um,
it's just something I
learned from my grandpa.
No, it's a video.
We practice all the time.
- Very cool.
- Yeah.
Sure you don't want a
smoke? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
I only smoke in front of
my dad. It drives him nuts.
You would like Ellie.
The Muff met her first.
He gave her a job modeling.
Duff the Muff?
You knew him?
Well, I know his son.
- Yeah. Damon.
- Yeah. He used to hire a lot of my girls.
- He owes me money.
- Yeah.
I even considered putting a lien
on his house. I saw the house.
It's now an empty lot.
I know that lot. Damon moved
the whole house into town.
- Where?
- I have the address.
You have?
Yes. In my office.
Will you give it
to me? Of course.
Thanks.
I will meet you downstairs.
Michael!
Lance!
- Lance? Lance?
- Pa?
What the hell are you
doing? Get downstairs.
I've found the diamonds.
Y-Yeah, the diamonds.
Yeah, the diamonds! Right!
Diamonds! Diamonds.
Gotta blast. Oh.
Michael? Yeah. Hang
on a second, Grandpa.
Hurry downstairs. We're
going diamond hunting.
All right.
I-I've gotta go.
Tony was a lucky guy.
You got it.
Of course.
And the phone number too.
How can I ever thank you?
Turn the clock back 30
years. I'm going to do just that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And this guy's gonna let us
put a hole in his kitchen wall?
He'll do anything for money.
Damon.
Get in here.
I don't see a damn thing.
Here.
I can't believe it,
after all these years.
My old man never told me
there was a box in that wall.
Maybe your father
didn't trust you too much.
I fell in love
with these diamonds.
It's Mom,
Mikey, your grandma.
Her name was Ellie.
She stole my heart.
She's beautiful, Grandpa.
She made me promise never
to show these cards to anyone.
But I was too proud.
I married a goddess.
Ellie,
you understand everything...
that I'm trying to do.
You put a hole in my wall
for a goddamn deck of cards?
What the hell is this?
Jesus Christ.
I'm rich.
What do you mean, you're rich?
We're splittin' this.
What else is in there?
That's all there is,
except for the cards.
Okay, let's cut that necklace in half so
we can get going. Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sounds fair, huh?
I'll tell you what's fair.
What if I keep the necklace,
and you can take the cards? Shit.
- You can get in a lot of
trouble waving that thing around.
- And you can get dead.
Damon, you win.
It's a deal.
Come on.
You're a smart man.
So, Grandpa, how much do you think
that Coogan guy'll get for the diamonds?
Almost ten bucks.
Huh?
What? No way!
It was fake?
Lance,
most of everything
Muff had was fake.
So that jerk chain back there
ends up with zilcho?
That's right. Beautiful!
Right on, Grandpa!
You the man!
I'm the man!
- I'm the man.
- You the man.
I'm happy, very happy.
Ellie gave me her okay.
I will move to a farm
and hire a companion.
I want you all
to come and visit me.
Well, who's gonna be paying for all
this? Dad, we don't have the money to...
- The magic diamonds.
- Harry, what are you talking about?
Don't you speak English?
Huh?
Your diamonds, Dad, are
nothing but a deck of cards.
They're magic.
Believe me. They're magic.
Yeah.
I promised you magic,
and I deliver.
Nothing up my sleeves.
Now, watch carefully.
You remember this? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Now, don't
take your eyes off of it.
Here's the deck of cards.
- Magic.
- Yeah.
Now, watch it.
Watch it.
Don't take your eyes off of it.
Ohh.
Oh!
- Jesus.
- Magic.
Read it. Hmm?
"All 13 diamonds are
of the highest quality...
"of cut and fire.
"Ten have
a pure white brilliance.
"Three are colored yellow,
pink, and champagne."
"They average five carats.
Total worth:
$345,000"?
Sixty years ago.
Now, three million.
Mikey, for you...
and for Lance.
For Moses...
and for Roseanne.
Oh, and for the baby.
The rest,
to keep me out of that
goddamn old man's home.
You're giving us over a million
dollars' worth of diamonds.
- Pa, are you sure about this?
- I'm sure.
Just take good care of
the little Polish Prince.
Mikey, I'm proud of you.
But I want you to learn
to live each day...
as if it were the last.
And remember, whatever
happens to you in life...
If you can't walk
or you can't talk...
Never, never give up.
What about you, Grandpa?
Lance...
Ellie loves you very much.
Well, I'm just
delivering the message.
Lance, why don't you
write a book about your life?
About your wonderful mother
and your awful father?
Lance?
I... I do love you.
I know you do, Pa.
Thanks.
Come here.
Mikey? Here. Enjoy.
Yeah, Grandpa?
Grandpa, I can't take this.
Bev's your girl.
She's too young for me.
Man, this is gonna be
so cool at parties.
And don't forget me.
I want to hear from you.
Don't worry. You will.
- I'll call you from Frisco, Pop.
- Where are you gonna be?
Oh, you can find me at Lance's.
I mean, uh, my dad's.
Take care of yourself.
See ya, Uncle Moses!
See ya, bud.
Good-bye.
Drive carefully.
Michael, did I ever tell you
that I love you?
Yeah, Dad, every day.
Every day.
I want a proper cup of coffee...
made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot.
I find a teapot of no use to me.
If I can't have
a proper cup of coffee...
made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot,
I'll have a cup of tea.
Not bad, but I think
you need a little more lip work.
Okay.
Let's start with the happy
pucker, okay? Okay.
Five, six, seven, eight...
It's been a long,
hard climb to the top.
30,000 spectators have jammed
into the Las Vegas Arena...
to see the champion, Harry
Agensky, the Polish Prince,
defend his title.
He came to this country in 1927
at the age of 11,
and he's been fighting
ever since.
But tonight, he's in
for the fight of his life.
Nobody has
taken more punishment.
Nobody has
overcome more adversity.
From the depths of poverty
to champion of the world.
This really
is the American dream.
I hope Grandpa's in good
enough shape to go to Banff.
Are you kidding?
He could be comatose.
Even if he was in a coma, he'd figure
out some way to come on this trip.
You got a light or
something? Yeah, right there.
Hey! Where'd you get
that? Cigarette fairy, man.
What the hell? I hope
you're proud of yourself!
I've never seen you
with one of those!
Mom's boyfriend lets me smoke,
Dad. Sam? Sam's a pothead.
Ex-pothead.
His parole officer has him
speaking at high schools now.
I'm sure he's
a great role model.
Mom says he's twice the man
you ever were.
Now, if you've got something on
your mind, come out with it and say it.
Fine. Fine. I'm not moving in with
you after Mom's wedding, okay?
There.
It's up to you.
You're right, it's up to me.
It's up to you.
Aunt Roseanne!
Uncle Moses!
Hey, there he is!
Hey!
Oh, man, this is phat!
Michael, you made it.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
Hey!
Boy, look at this kid.
How'd you get so big? What?
I had nothin' better to do,
man. I know who you wanna see.
Hello, Lance.
Nice to see ya!
Huh-uh, no need to be sarcastic.
Well, it's nice to
see you too. Yeah.
So, shithead.
Hey!
Open your mouth as wide
as you comfortably can...
and stick your tongue
straight out,
keeping it very still,
to the count of four.
Then bring it back in
and let it rest.
We'll do eight of this exercise.
So far you're doing just fine.
Grandpa?
Hey!
Ah!
Keep studying your Polish. Okay.
Bev, this is Mikey.
She's cute. Mind if I have her
number? Hey. Lay off my gal.
Yes, sir.
Bev, I've got company.
Grandpa, are you okay?
You know, Mikey,
a stroke is God's way...
of trying to make me shut up.
But it didn't work.
Does it hurt?
Frustrated.
See, my thoughts are out there,
but my words
are crawling behind.
But Bev helps me.
"A," "B," "C," "D,"
"E," "F," "G,"
"H," "I," "J"...
Grandpa, what is this?
"The skunk sat on a stump.
The skunk thump the... thunk
the stump stunk"? Tongue twisters.
- Just exercises.
- But you're gonna be okay, right?
You know, Mikey,
the older I get,
the better it was.
Hmm. Hah!
I know why you're
really here, Lance.
It won't work. What
are you talking about?
You wanna make peace with Pa and by
some miracle get him to say he loves you.
You talk like we're
gonna elope or something.
Pa showed it to me
in your Father's Day column.
Hey, I never sent that here.
I wore that robe
for my title fight.
Are you sure I can have it?
- Well, on one condition.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
Never become a boxer.
Grandpa, did you ever think that
maybe you got your stroke from boxing?
After all these years?
Maybe. Maybe.
Oh!
What's the worst he's done?
There's a lot to choose from, I'll tell ya.
Last week at the Cooper's he
got drunk, started singing, yelling.
He was babbling a whole
bunch of nonsense. No
one knew what the hell
he was talking about.
I had to drag our father
out of the room, Lance.
That's because you let him
mix alcohol with his medication.
You never, never
let him do that!
You're an asshole,
you know that?
Oh, that was a long time ago.
A hundred years ago.
He was tough.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Yes, I remember.
Oh.
Can you read English?
"World Champion."
Yeah.
Harry Agensky.
Who's this guy?
Duff the Muff Coogan.
Big time Reno gangster.
He wanted me
to drop a fight
and pay me in diamonds.
Diamonds?
Yeah.
Thirteen big ones that he stole.
So what happened?
I dropped the fight.
So you got the diamonds?
Well,
Ellie wouldn't let me keep them.
I always see her that way.
So you just
gave the diamonds back?
Well, not exactly.
We buried the diamonds in
the kitchen wall of his house...
so I could get them
whenever I wanted.
So why don't you go get 'em?
I forgot the address.
Somewhere in Reno.
But I will find the address,
and I will get
these magic diamonds.
Magic diamonds?
You'll see.
I need the diamonds.
I'm not going to end up
in an old man's home,
eating soft food.
Let's go.
What's Pa wanna do?
Pa wants to rent the Al thorn Ranch
and hire a companion to take care of him.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah, well, the ranch is what?
Four grand a month? And a
good companion costs another two.
Where does he think he's
gonna get the money to pay for it?
Magic diamonds.
I thought he was over that.
No. See, he's never
over anything, Lance.
He just keeps getting worse
and worse and worse.
Hi, Pop.
Why are Moses and Roseanne
so hard on Grandpa?
Oh, it's not that.
They love him.
It's just that
it's been hard for them.
Dad, I was thinking.
What do you say instead of going
to Banff, the three of us go to Reno?
He told you the diamond story?
Yeah.
Michael, when your grandma
died, Pa was under a lot of stress.
He started with this wild
story of Duff the Muff...
and stolen diamonds
and a fixed fight.
How many dreams could he possibly
have left? The least we could do is try.
Michael, he's an old man!
Who I'll probably
never see again.
You said we were gonna have an
adventure. Well, I got news for you.
Moses and Roseanne don't think
he's well enough to go to Banff.
All he wants him doing is going
out for walks around the house.
Wait.
What are you saying?
I'm saying we could go to Banff
ourselves or stay here and hang with Pa.
Grandpa says
they can go to hell.
What do you wanna do?
Kidnap him? Yeah, before sunrise.
He says we could be up, over the
border before they even wake up.
He even knows a crossing
no one knows, man. Come on!
Look, I'm gonna go talk to Pa.
Let's get a couple hours sleep,
then the three of us are out of here.
What about Moses and Roseanne?
Screw 'em.
So what do we do now?
Just wake him up?
See if he packed his bag.
I'll get his medicine.
- Moses!
- Lance, Pa.
It's Lance,
your other son. Lance.
Whatever your name is.
Lance.
His mother gave him that name.
I don't want to forget Bev.
Hmm.
Is he gonna be okay?
Christ, I hope so.
What are you staring at?
Let's go.
Pa, be quiet!
- Pa, it's nice to have you with us.
- Why?
Well, because I want you
and Mikey to...
kinda get to know each other
a little better.
- Before I die?
- I didn't say that.
Mikey, never get old.
Just disappear.
Hey, that biker
just flipped me off.
Pa, what's going on here?
Did you do that?
All right, Pa. Here's the
border. Just let me do the talking.
Name, place of birth,
citizenship, purpose of trip.
- Hi, how're you doin'?
- Please, just answer the questions.
Sorry, I-I didn't mean...
I'm just being friendly.
Uh, I'm Lance Agensky. I was born in
Vancouver. I'm a naturalized American.
I'm taking a short vacation
with my son and my dad to Reno.
Born in Poland.
Polish.
- Huh?
- What did you say?
There's a girl named Bev
stuffed in the trunk.
- Mr. Agensky.
- Yeah?
Do you have
any illegal narcotics...
on your person
or in your vehicle?
Yeah. Uh, no. No.
No.
This is not a joke. Do you have a
criminal record of any kind? And don't lie.
- I checked the computer.
- No.
Okay. Your turn,
old man.
Are you now, or have you ever been
a member of the Communist Party?
No, no. No.
No.
All right. Good news,
gentlemen. You're all clear.
I don't think this man should
be traveling if he's so sick.
I'm just old.
Is that a crime?
Do you want to arrest me
because I'm old?
I mean, when my pappy lost it,
we couldn't take him anywhere.
If I were you... You're not him!
You have something to say,
say it to me!
Pa, calm down, now. He
means no harm, all right?
What type of medication
is he on?
I ought to smash your head.
Lance, hit him!
Pa, I think we'd just
better be going, all right?
I forgot.
My son won't hit you.
He's a writer.
Jeez.
Thank you for
your understanding.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Nice, Pa. Very nice.
You almost got us deported.
I'm bringing him back!
First he tells the customs officer
he's got Bev stuffed in the trunk.
- Sounds like you've got a problem.
- Hey, Michael!
- Michael, no!
- Problems, Lance? I wonder why.
I'm glad I made your day.
Michael! Hey!
Are you crazy?
Hey! Excuse me.
What are you doing? It's
my first cigarette in two days!
I'll tell you when you
get a cigarette. When?
With the blindfold,
just before I shoot you.
Guess what.
What?
Moses and Roseanne are going
to Seattle for a couple of days...
while they
have their house fumigated.
So you think it was a mistake
bringing him with us?
God, I hate it
when Moses is right.
It'll take two days for their
house to clear of pesticides.
Remember, we only have ourselves
to blame for this little scheme,
so I guess we just have to keep
sucking it up for his sake, huh?
Yeah, I'm game.
All right, now, Pa.
One more ridiculous stunt,
and I will turn this car around and
head back across the border so fast...
it will make your head spin.
Lance.
You look nervous.
I'll drive.
Right on, Grandpa!
You shouldn't
have taken my cigarette.
Just shut up and get
your little ass in the car.
Hey!
What are you doing?
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!
Okay, the road
is to your left, Grandpa.
Not so fast.
You wanna get there, don't you?
Right on, Grandpa!
I don't think
you should be driving.
I've been driving for 65
years. Wanna see my license?
Watch out!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Goddamn road hogs.
All right.
You drive.
I'm sorry,
but I have to try it again.
We stop every half hour, wait
20 minutes, and nothing happens.
But I have to try to go.
Dad, he's got to go.
Evening.
Hello.
I need a double room with
a cot, please. And a VCR.
No VCR.
Uh, would you have
a strong laxative?
The nearest drugstore is Dave's Drug
and Gun Emporium down the street.
If you hurry, it's still open.
Dave's Drug and Gun?
Mm-hmm.
Mikey, you take over.
What?
You a reporter?
Oh! Um...
Yeah, I'm a sports editor
for The San Jose Mercury.
- Really? I used to be...
- An asshole.
Tarzan LeCompte.
You tried to take my title
away, but I whupped you.
No!
You? It can't be!
I heard you were dead.
Made my day.
I'm going to straighten
that nose of yours.
You stupid frog, what the
hell are you doing here?
Tarzan, remember Duff
the Muff? Sure, who doesn't?
The Muff was a real guy?
That's a stupid question.
Will you give me
his address? Sure.
Thanks.
But no rematch.
I'd whip your behind.
You weren't good enough to
be bum of the month. What?
I was beating you bloody. If
it wasn't for that lucky punch,
you'd be begging me
for a rematch.
I knocked you out. Elvis was there
at ringside when you hit the deck.
Guys. Guys, about
the room, huh? I...
Follow me, kid.
Music in every room.
Oh, man.
Yo. Yo,
Elvis was the King.
I got all his tapes.
Enjoy.
And, Polack, forget the tip.
This was Ellie's favorite song.
Why? Why?
- Grandpa...
- Why did she have to die?
Why didn't you die?
You!
Grandpa.
Grandpa, it's gonna be okay.
It's fine.
It's just fine.
Everything's gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
It's just a mirror and a
vase. This is my Elvis room!
I'll... I'll pay for the damage.
I don't want your money.
I want blood.
Want blood?
Oh, no.
Pa, no. Pa!
I'll give you blood.
You're getting old, Harry.
You couldn't hit
the side of a barn.
Look at you.
Oh, look at you, Harry. You look
like an old basset. You can't even talk.
Oh!
Now you got blood.
I'll pay for the damages, sir.
Just go on and get out of here.
Go on!
And about that address...
No! From that ape,
I won't take it.
Grandpa, it's kind of important.
If it's from him, I won't go.
432 Bear Cat Drive.
What a sucker.
Let's get out of here.
We're going to be rich!
Okay, okay.
This is 431, 430, 432.
This is it.
Mmm.
Well, they aren't there.
Grandpa, what's up
with those shades?
I don't want people
to recognize me.
I had a big title fight
in Vegas.
A thousand years ago.
And, Pa, this is Reno.
Used to be all desert. Incredible.
No, Grandpa, this is Reno.
In my day, Vegas
was a neon whorehouse.
This here looks like a farm.
Hey, read my lips.
R-E-N-O. "Ree-no."
I'm not an idiot.
I know this is R-E-N-O.
Reno!
Now, drive,
or I'll take the wheel.
Pa, I don't know how to
tell you this, but the house...
I know. I know!
I was awake all the time.
Now we have to
track down the Muff.
Why?
He has the diamonds.
Look, I've got a better idea.
Why don't we go to one of these
wonderful casinos and have some fun?
No. No. No. Yeah, we
could play poker, the slots.
Get something to eat.
Get a room. We can kick it.
Shower, shave.
Think of it, Pa. No. No.
Your own toilet.
Okay.
Pa, can we get going?
Come on! Peter Piper picked...
If we're gonna go, let's go. I'm
hungry. a peck of pickled peppers.
How many pecks of pickled
peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Pa, the day's not getting
any longer. It's already 4:30.
The skunk sat on a stump.
Whoo!
I'm out.
I'm out.
How'd he get the name "The
Muff"? Was short for "muffins."
Oh, yeah. Uh, Coogan.
The Muff. Sure. Yes.
It must have been 15
years ago. That's right.
The guy tips me five bucks;
Ten minutes later he's dead.
Dead? They counted
32 bullet holes.
Thirty-two holes?
Yeah.
Who did it? If I knew,
do you think I'd tell you?
Ask his son.
And I raise you 50, sir.
Show me.
Straight flush.
Diamonds.
I know it hurts.
Thank you, sir.
A pleasure, gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa, you've got
to let me just do one quarter, please.
If the guard sees us,
we'll both end up in jail.
All right.
Oh, Grandpa,
look at all this money!
- Look at all this money.
- Thanks.
Whoo!
So let's go spend some moola!
I'm up for a
two-pound lobster dinner.
I'd like a CD player. And
how about something for Pa?
The most expensive
fedora we can find. Fedora!
You always looked good in a
hat. Ellie never liked me in a hat.
Oh, Pa. Pa,
the room's this way.
Pa!
Well, let's, uh, get some air.
Like, what is life all about?
I know. I know.
Ellie?
Remember?
Oh, how I miss you, Ellie.
Not bad, huh?
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
- No one move or he's dead!
- Okay!
- I want your money!
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Let's go! Now!
- There. Take it.
- Now move back!
- Michael, no! Forget it!
Michael, come back!
Come back! It's not worth it!
Dad! Dad! Dad!
Oh, my hand! My hand! He
sliced me, the son of a bitch!
Pa! Pa!
Don't fuck around
with the Polish Prince!
- Give me that.
- Come on.
He got his.
He sliced my hand.
That guy must be crazy. Did
you see what I did to him? It hurts.
I could have killed him.
Mikey, are you okay?
Hotel operator.
Can I help you?
Information. Do you have a
listing for Damon Coogan?
Hey, guess what. They sell The
Mercury News across the street.
My lucky day.
Pa, it's time to take your
pills now, all right? Yeah.
Moses? Lance. Remember?
I'm your other son.
Whatever the hell your name is.
I read your Father's Day column.
Well, that was six months
ago. I'm not made that way.
Pa, I wasn't writing specifically
about you. I was generalizing.
I never beat you,
and I was proud of that.
Great.
You know, you could never
catch a ball.
Moses understood me.
He even tried to learn Polish.
And I got mislaid
in the shuffle. I know.
Why do you say that?
Your mother understood you.
Did it ever occur to you
that I might have needed you?
Listen, Moses... uh, Lance.
Why don't you spend ten grand
on a shrink? I'll give you the money.
He'll tell you that it
was all your father's fault.
- I already did that.
- And that's what he said, no?
And not to make the
same mistake with my son.
And you did, didn't you?
Look, all I ever wanted from you
was just that you believe in me a little.
My little projects or whatever.
Just, you know, that you
gave me a little respect.
Respect? Why?
Why? Why?
I'm your son, goddamn it!
- You gave Moses everything!
- I never gave Moses any more respect.
Look, at this point,
I don't care.
Well, I care!
My father beat the hell
out of me.
And he never gave me
a pat on the back,
even when I won
the championship.
Just because your father
never gave you a pat on the back,
that gives you the right
to kick my ass?
I never kicked you in
the ass! Look at me.
Am I a monster?
Maybe I can't talk,
but I can read.
I can read.
Father's Day.
Look, why don't you just admit you
weren't there when I needed you?
Where was I?
In the saloon getting drunk?
No! I was
making a living!
I was training, running,
hitting the bag,
boxing, sparring, fighting,
getting my brains knocked out!
And for what?
For you.
For Moses. For Ellie!
For my family!
Pa!
I tried.
Goddamn it, I tried.
I tried it the best I could.
I tried. I tried.
I always tried my best.
Pa, I'm sorry.
I love you, Pa.
Are you proud of yourself?
It's between him and me.
You know the difference between you
and Sam is? Sam's a man and you're a wuss.
What? I should never
have come on this trip.
Wait a minute.
Y-You wanted to come.
This was supposed to be
our special time together.
No, Mom wanted
to be alone with Sam.
She said I had a choice
between you and Auntie Elba.
Oh, great. I beat out
a 90-year-old Nazi.
Look, I need a smoke
and a beer, all right? What?
Hey, Michael,
come back here. Hey!
- Where are you going?
- Just back off, all right?
Michael!
Mmm.
Michael!
Where have you been?
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I've been right here.
"Right here."
What's the legal drinking age
in Nevada now?
Is it still 21?
Or is it 18 or 12?
Actually, in Nevada, you
can drink soda at any age.
I'm sorry. I...
Can I join ya?
It'll cost ya.
All right, I...
I'm listening.
You have to tell me what
your biggest regret in life is.
All right. I'll tell you
my one big regret.
I never had a relationship
with my father.
- Is that your fault?
- I don't know.
Oh, come on. You know it's
always the dad's fault, right?
And I think I'm creating
the same dynamic with you.
Is that your fault?
Well, I heard an expert once
say it's always the dad's fault.
Really? Well, that expert must
have been a pretty smart guy.
His father was pretty
smart. Really? Cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hmm.
That's pushing it.
- Do you speak English?
- I am. What Coogan?
I'll take a-any Coogan you got.
We don't have any, sir.
Oh.
Well, how about unlisted?
Unlisted?
Yeah. The...
I can't do that.
Oh. Give me a little hint. Sir.
Hey, how about if I offer
to pay you money?
Are you drunk?
I'm not drunk!
- Good-bye.
- I... Hello? Hello?
So, when was the first
time you got stoned?
What makes you think
I ever got stoned?
Because you're not
a total loser.
Oh, that's how it works, huh?
You're hip, so you get stoned.
Look, you don't want
to answer, fine. Forget it.
Her name was Gissa.
I was 21,
dating a 39-year-old woman.
Damn!
She was gorgeous.
I mean...
She puts these headphones
on me, rolls me up a jay.
What music did she play?
Neil Diamond.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
Don't ever tell
Grandpa, huh? Aw.
This time we'll make our
lips smile and then pucker.
Bring your lips up into a big
smile with your teeth closed.
The happy face pucker
will look like this.
Let's go, Bev. Five,
six, seven, eight.
Now that our lips
are getting limber,
we'll do some lip smacks.
I got you.
And you pay for dinner.
And I'm hungry!
No, I... Get up!
Harry, your fly's open.
Nothing will fly out.
Mmm. Another vodka.
Uh, double.
That should make you happy.
Oh, you'd better believe it.
Pa, if there was one thing that you
could do, what would that one thing be?
Get laid.
Oh, yeah!
You the man!
What did you say?
Listen, I'm serious.
I haven't had sex
in eight years!
- Pa, please.
- I'm a man, goddamn it!
Before I go,
I wanna have a woman.
He's not been well.
He's had a stroke.
Oh, who gives a damn
about itsy-bitsy stroke?
Sit down,
Just sit down, will you?
You old drunk!
You're a bunch of pussies.
Pussies!
P-U-S-S... S... How are my S's?
- Perfect.
- Perfect? Very good.
I'm not buying
a prostitute for you.
I hear that college girls...
are really into old men
with slurred speech.
- Kind of kinky.
- Yeah.
But who am I to complain?
All right. I'll find a
place and drop you off.
When was the last time
you had sex?
Pa, not in front of my
son, all right? Oh, come on!
He hasn't gotten any
since him and Mom separated.
And I bet you're a virgin.
Oh, please!
I am not a virgin.
- I'm not.
- A toast.
To my last love,
to Mikey's first...
and to Lance's... whatever.
- I think not.
- Why not?
I'm not gonna be a party
to you learning about
women being bought
and sold as commodities.
- They are not cattle.
- You need sex more than I do.
And Mikey has to start sometime.
If your mother ever found out
we were even talking about this,
I would lose visitation
rights for eternity.
I'd... I'd be willing
to risk that.
Gentlemen, two Cokes.
There you go.
And... a... double.
Uh,
"June," where is the best
chicken ranch in town?
- Pa, come on!
- I beg your pardon?
Oh. Uh...
I know just the place.
The girls are the best.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Read it.
"State of Nirvana. Sister
Sin-Dee and Girls Incorporated.
"Five miles east on Logger's
Road off High Point's Pass.
- Ten percent off with this card."
- I'm ready!
Ahh! Like
Red Hot Henry Brown.
Who's he?
The hottest man in town.
He's cut off.
That's it.
Dad, there's a lot of cultures
in the world... Mm-hmm.
Where fathers take their sons to
the local madam to lose their virginity.
It can be a very powerful
bonding experience. Fine.
You know what I'm saying? No.
What made this country great?
Democracy.
Uh, your point being?
Let's have a vote.
Oh! That sounds
totally fair, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be
outvoted. You can't be sure.
What? You're not
gonna vote yes?
I wanna vote yes, but I'll
vote no out of respect for you.
Oh. I was
born yesterday.
Look, just give me
the respect of a vote, okay?
I'll give you the respect of a no. I
don't think women are cattle either.
Just trust me, okay?
Lance, if you don't
trust your own son...
Right. Okay. Good.
I'll trust you.
Because if you don't have trust,
I mean, you have nothing, right?
Okay. Go, Congressman.
It's your vote.
I vote yes, I go.
We have nothing.
I wanted to vote no, okay?
My testosterone just took over.
It's not my fault
I was born a male, okay?
It's your turn, Grandpa.
Mikey, I told him to trust you.
I have to trust my son.
I vote no.
Thank you.
Shit!
Take it like a man.
No, I don't have to take it
like anything, Grandpa.
Now I see why you
drove my dad nuts, huh?
Wait a minute.
There's one more vote.
Oh, right. Lance.
Sorry we forgot you.
Go ahead. Vote away.
You already know my vote.
That's not how a democracy
works. Oh, right. Right.
It works on lies?
Just vote, okay?
All right.
Yes. I knew you...
What? Yes, what?
Yes, I'm going to hell
in a handcart.
Yes, I'm going to the penitentiary
at the hand of your mother.
And yes, you're about
to have an experience...
that I will probably lament
for the rest of my life.
Yes? Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
You look cool, Grandpa.
Cool?
Hey, I'm cold.
Don't you ever put the top up?
Pa, you know it's broken.
You know, I hate to
mention it at this point,
but what if they say
Michael's too young?
No prob. I got a California
I.D. that says I'm 21.
Does every 18-year old
have a fake I.D.?
You did. Hey, come
on. You were 18 once.
Can't you remember
that far back?
I was only 18 for about a year.
I feel 15 or maybe 16.
Well, ring the bell.
Right.
Hi. Hi. Hello.
Hello. Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, wow.
This is a nice place.
Thank you.
My name is Sin-Dee.
Miss Sin-Dee.
Mm-hmm.
What's yours?
I'm Michael.
Lance.
Does Harry the Polish Prince
ring a bell?
Oh, now, let me think.
You're the Prince of Poland.
Very funny.
I was a welterweight
boxing champion of the world.
Ooh, very impressive.
He was the best.
How old are you?
I'm 24.
Twenty-one.
- Whose idea was it to bring you here?
- He has a California I.D.
I don't really
have an I.D.
I was just saying that.
You have an I.D. card.
- Remember? - Pa.
- What?
In your pocket.
The alley.
Oh.
Ohh!
Yeah.
Oh. Your name
is Benjamin Franklin?
Uh, his friends call him Benjie.
Benjie, here's your hundred.
I'm sure your father will take
care of your bill very generously.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's a big tipper.
I'm glad to hear that. Ah,
father, son. Father, son.
- A family project.
- One for all and all for one.
Ah, lovely.
Well, since you're here,
I'll let it go this time.
This really, really means a lot
to me. Thank you, Miss Sin-Dee.
Mm-hmm. Follow me.
Girls?
- Guys, you all right?
- Couldn't be better.
Uh, Mikey, you choose first.
Um, well, first off, ladies, I...
I want you all to know
that I have great respect...
for you all as women.
I-I do. And in no way do
I think of you as objects,
but more as pieces of art.
Um, you know, you're
beautiful and feminine and...
Hi... real flesh and bone.
Um, I also support equal
rights and equal pay for women...
Little boy, I don't care
if you respect me or not.
I just want you to caress every part of
my body as I grind my hips into yours.
I want to lick your ear and push
my hands down your pants...
and make you cry for mercy as I
take you to places so good it hurts.
- Um, I'm gonna take her.
- Good.
See you later, Dad.
Ahh.
I feel like a kid
in a candy store.
First, a bottle of champagne.
Maybe two.
Ooh.
Let's see.
Her, her,
the one with the big tongue.
Ladies, lead the way.
I live dangerously
because I'm Red Hot Henry Brown,
the hottest man in town.
We're waiting.
Holy shit.
You can make it.
Come on.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Okay, smart boy,
what's it gonna be?
'Cause I do it all.
Uh, h-how about a...
shoulder rub?
Th-That'd be good.
I've been driving.
Oh.
A shy one.
Okay. We'll take it
really slow.
Let's go upstairs.
One more drink before we start.
Men, I salute you.
Follow me.
Follow me if you please.
Uh, halt.
What a beautiful platoon.
Our mission:
A trip to paradise.
Volunteers?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, ohh.
Look, I'm just not
into paying for sex.
So, what? I get
paid for nothing?
Have you ever heard of
self-respect for a job well done?
Sure, sure, but... Probably think I'm white
trash, and you're not attracted to me.
Oh, now, you know
you're a beautiful young woman.
I'm average. Whatever you
think. That's not my point.
So then you're
not attracted to me?
Look. You're
being paid for it.
You know, that's what's wrong with America.
Everybody wants something for nothing.
Well, not me. I won't sit at
home and collect welfare.
I got a job.
I pay taxes.
And I have
great job satisfaction.
And I will not let some
bourgeoisie try and stop me.
"Bourgeoisie"? What kind
of call girl are you, anyway?
- You think I'm a victim?
- Ooh.
That I got a heart of gold and
that all I really want is a good man...
who doesn't drink
and won't beat me?
Have you ever touched a
breast as lovely as mine?
Does bumped into count?
Um... Are you okay?
Y-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm fine.
Have you ever experienced...
sexual ecstasy?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I mean, by myself.
Put your hand in here.
Do it.
- Do you like it?
- Yes, yes.
It-It's nice.
It's really nice.
Are you okay?
I...
Oh, um... I'm sorry.
For what?
I-I, um...
I-I'm finished.
I'm done.
Thank you.
You know, your problem is
you don't know how to have sex.
You only know how to make love.
And there's a problem with that?
Only making love
denies the animal in us,
the bestial impulse
that wraps two human beings...
in a ball of flesh,
tongues, and sweat.
Ah. Bestial impulse. Yeah.
Should've said so before.
Look. I can't make love
with a woman who won't kiss me,
and call girls
aren't supposed to kiss, right?
But warriors
devour their enemies.
Tongues and flesh.
- I don't know.
- I think he got scared.
Everybody out.
I used to be a bull.
What a fool.
A ridiculous fool.
Four women. Why not?
In my dreams, I've had dozens.
Were you married long?
Forty-five wonderful years.
Forty-five years
with one special person?
You were lucky.
She's still here.
Well, after 45 years,
I would hope so.
Would she mind your being here?
Ellie just wanted me
to be happy.
Ooh. Strong hands.
Yeah.
That's how I made my living.
The Polish Prince.
Once, they were made of stone.
But now they're made
of flesh and blood,
with stories that
make up a full life.
And the story's over.
No. I see dreams
unrealized.
I see darkness and light,
a lot of love
and a little bit of fright.
You know, I think these hands...
would tell a better story.
Tell me.
Tell you what?
Your story.
Please. I want to know.
I've been asked my story
a thousand times...
and told a thousand lies,
whatever they wanted to hear.
Courtesan, Earth mother.
But what is the truth?
Hmph. We each have our own.
Well, you were once
a little girl.
Where did you live?
Small town near the railroad.
Watching the trains whizzing by?
Yes. Especially
the Express.
Glimpses of waiters in white coats
serving fine ladies and gentlemen.
Wondering where they were going.
I wanted to be on that train going
anywhere to take me out of this town.
And then what happened?
Along came this wonderful guy.
Took me on that train...
to all those places
I'd always dreamed about.
Ohh. I loved him.
Then suddenly one day...
I never knew why...
He wasn't there.
So, I, uh... I was alone.
I had to make my way,
and finally I ended up
where I am.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I made my choice... my life.
Sin-Dee...
you're a fine woman.
Shall we dance?
Ellie loved to dance.
She was quite a woman.
She was. She is.
Look, um, I have... I
have a confession to make.
I've never had
intercourse before, and...
I've only been to second
base with... with Kelly Rush.
Don't laugh.
It's not funny.
I just lost my best chance at,
you know, losin' it.
When I was your age,
life was so confusing.
My one regret is not saying
"good-bye" to this boy down the street:
Tony.
I loved him.
I know he loved me.
So if you're anything like Tony,
then you have it in you
to do it again, easy.
How easy?
As easy as you want,
Tony.
That's it, honey. Just relax
while I take off your clothes.
What's wrong with this thing?
Did... Did, um...
You did.
Did you?
Look, um, I don't want
to talk about it, okay?
But don't laugh, okay?
It's not funny.
Forget sex.
Just keep your pants on
and hold me tight. Mm.
Mm.
When did you have the stroke?
Just after my wife died.
Ooh.
Must've been hard.
Well, at the beginning
I couldn't talk.
I started to say something,
and I babbled like a baby,
and my-my m-mouth was...
Was drooping.
Grotesque. I didn't
want to see anybody.
I didn't want anybody to see me.
I just went into... into my room,
closed the blinds,
crawled into bed...
and cried and cried and cried.
Do you still cry?
Sometimes,
when the sun goes down.
But... I'm here!
You're a very, very brave man.
Brave? I'm a pussycat.
Ellie made me snap out of it.
I remember her saying,
"Things can always be worse."
So I decided to work
on speech therapy cassettes.
"Oral aerobics."
"Oral"?
Yes. Lip and tongue exercises,
you know?
Hey, not bad.
You know, there was
a three-year-old girl...
lived next door.
Kelsey.
Beautiful child.
When I started to talk,
I talked like her.
But I kept working.
And then one day I said,
"Kelsey,
say 'transcontinental.'"
She couldn't say it.
I left her in the dust.
Are you scared?
Yes. I'm scared.
I am too.
Mm. We hide it.
You know,
when I was in junior high,
my body used to crave the
touch of a woman's hand.
It was, like...
You know, a thrill to it.
It was fire. And here
it is 30 years later.
I feel like that fire has
been completely reignited.
Man. With you, Tiff,
I feel reborn again.
My nerves are back, you know?
So let's do it.
My limit's twice in an
evening. You know, I mean...
I meant, take me with you.
- You're joking.
- No.
No lie?
You'd roll with me?
Yeah.
Ohh, man.
It'd be totally ultra-rock.
I'm sorry.
You want a smoke?
Uh, no. No, thanks.
Where'd you learn how to do that incredible
thing with your tongue? The what?
You know, the...
Oh, that! Um,
it's just something I
learned from my grandpa.
No, it's a video.
We practice all the time.
- Very cool.
- Yeah.
Sure you don't want a
smoke? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
I only smoke in front of
my dad. It drives him nuts.
You would like Ellie.
The Muff met her first.
He gave her a job modeling.
Duff the Muff?
You knew him?
Well, I know his son.
- Yeah. Damon.
- Yeah. He used to hire a lot of my girls.
- He owes me money.
- Yeah.
I even considered putting a lien
on his house. I saw the house.
It's now an empty lot.
I know that lot. Damon moved
the whole house into town.
- Where?
- I have the address.
You have?
Yes. In my office.
Will you give it
to me? Of course.
Thanks.
I will meet you downstairs.
Michael!
Lance!
- Lance? Lance?
- Pa?
What the hell are you
doing? Get downstairs.
I've found the diamonds.
Y-Yeah, the diamonds.
Yeah, the diamonds! Right!
Diamonds! Diamonds.
Gotta blast. Oh.
Michael? Yeah. Hang
on a second, Grandpa.
Hurry downstairs. We're
going diamond hunting.
All right.
I-I've gotta go.
Tony was a lucky guy.
You got it.
Of course.
And the phone number too.
How can I ever thank you?
Turn the clock back 30
years. I'm going to do just that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And this guy's gonna let us
put a hole in his kitchen wall?
He'll do anything for money.
Damon.
Get in here.
I don't see a damn thing.
Here.
I can't believe it,
after all these years.
My old man never told me
there was a box in that wall.
Maybe your father
didn't trust you too much.
I fell in love
with these diamonds.
It's Mom,
Mikey, your grandma.
Her name was Ellie.
She stole my heart.
She's beautiful, Grandpa.
She made me promise never
to show these cards to anyone.
But I was too proud.
I married a goddess.
Ellie,
you understand everything...
that I'm trying to do.
You put a hole in my wall
for a goddamn deck of cards?
What the hell is this?
Jesus Christ.
I'm rich.
What do you mean, you're rich?
We're splittin' this.
What else is in there?
That's all there is,
except for the cards.
Okay, let's cut that necklace in half so
we can get going. Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sounds fair, huh?
I'll tell you what's fair.
What if I keep the necklace,
and you can take the cards? Shit.
- You can get in a lot of
trouble waving that thing around.
- And you can get dead.
Damon, you win.
It's a deal.
Come on.
You're a smart man.
So, Grandpa, how much do you think
that Coogan guy'll get for the diamonds?
Almost ten bucks.
Huh?
What? No way!
It was fake?
Lance,
most of everything
Muff had was fake.
So that jerk chain back there
ends up with zilcho?
That's right. Beautiful!
Right on, Grandpa!
You the man!
I'm the man!
- I'm the man.
- You the man.
I'm happy, very happy.
Ellie gave me her okay.
I will move to a farm
and hire a companion.
I want you all
to come and visit me.
Well, who's gonna be paying for all
this? Dad, we don't have the money to...
- The magic diamonds.
- Harry, what are you talking about?
Don't you speak English?
Huh?
Your diamonds, Dad, are
nothing but a deck of cards.
They're magic.
Believe me. They're magic.
Yeah.
I promised you magic,
and I deliver.
Nothing up my sleeves.
Now, watch carefully.
You remember this? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Now, don't
take your eyes off of it.
Here's the deck of cards.
- Magic.
- Yeah.
Now, watch it.
Watch it.
Don't take your eyes off of it.
Ohh.
Oh!
- Jesus.
- Magic.
Read it. Hmm?
"All 13 diamonds are
of the highest quality...
"of cut and fire.
"Ten have
a pure white brilliance.
"Three are colored yellow,
pink, and champagne."
"They average five carats.
Total worth:
$345,000"?
Sixty years ago.
Now, three million.
Mikey, for you...
and for Lance.
For Moses...
and for Roseanne.
Oh, and for the baby.
The rest,
to keep me out of that
goddamn old man's home.
You're giving us over a million
dollars' worth of diamonds.
- Pa, are you sure about this?
- I'm sure.
Just take good care of
the little Polish Prince.
Mikey, I'm proud of you.
But I want you to learn
to live each day...
as if it were the last.
And remember, whatever
happens to you in life...
If you can't walk
or you can't talk...
Never, never give up.
What about you, Grandpa?
Lance...
Ellie loves you very much.
Well, I'm just
delivering the message.
Lance, why don't you
write a book about your life?
About your wonderful mother
and your awful father?
Lance?
I... I do love you.
I know you do, Pa.
Thanks.
Come here.
Mikey? Here. Enjoy.
Yeah, Grandpa?
Grandpa, I can't take this.
Bev's your girl.
She's too young for me.
Man, this is gonna be
so cool at parties.
And don't forget me.
I want to hear from you.
Don't worry. You will.
- I'll call you from Frisco, Pop.
- Where are you gonna be?
Oh, you can find me at Lance's.
I mean, uh, my dad's.
Take care of yourself.
See ya, Uncle Moses!
See ya, bud.
Good-bye.
Drive carefully.
Michael, did I ever tell you
that I love you?
Yeah, Dad, every day.
Every day.
I want a proper cup of coffee...
made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot.
I find a teapot of no use to me.
If I can't have
a proper cup of coffee...
made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot,
I'll have a cup of tea.
Not bad, but I think
you need a little more lip work.
Okay.
Let's start with the happy
pucker, okay? Okay.
Five, six, seven, eight...