Diary of a Mad Housewife (1970) Movie Script
1
Good morning. Good morning.
Well, you certainly
had a good sleep.
You were dead to the world
when the alarm clock rang.
Quarter to eight, tine.
I've been up for 15 minutes.
Come on, tine. Get up.
For god's sake,
tine, snap to it.
Wish I could understand what's
the matter with you these days.
I'm really very worried
about you.
Take the way you look.
You don't look well.
Your color's rotten. You act
as if you're exhausted.
How could you be exhausted
the minute you get up
in the morning?
What's more. You're too thin,
for god's sake.
Oh, you used to have
a terrific figure.
You've gotten so bloody skinny.
And that god awful
hair of yours.
Just... hanging down.
No style. Well...
Maybe you don't care
what you look like
in front of me and the girls...
But what about
the rest of the world?
You're Mrs. Jonathan balser.
My wife.
My wife is a reflection of me.
I'm only telling you this,
because I am deeply concerned
about you, Tina.
Tina, for god's sake,
do you know what you're doing
to your lungs?
To say nothing of your heart.
Do you know what you're doing to
your whole circulatory system?
Don't you have any
willpower at all?
Put it out, tine.
This is the softest
four-minute egg I ever saw.
If it is a four-minute egg.
Hey, tine, is this
a four-minute egg?
Your mother made
phi beta kapa at Smith,
but I don't think she can make
a four-minute egg.
Will you look at those trunks?
Back from the country
over two weeks.
She hasn't unpacked
those bloody trunks yet.
Hey, tine...
Better call an agency,
get a laundress over here
so you can unpack those trunks.
Is my bacon ready yet?
Twenty past eight.
Some more toast, tine.
Hey, tine, why don't you
get cracking on a thorough
fall house cleaning campaign
around here?
Get the floors waxed.
Get the windows washed.
Get this place looking
as if civilized people
are in residence. Hmm?
Gee, that's a little light,
isn't it?
I'm sorry. I hurried it.
Sweetie, can I have a little
more damson plum preserve,
please?
That was hodison on the phone.
We're flying to Wichita at noon.
Will you please
pack my bag for me, tine?
I'll send miss newby by
for it in about an hour.
Better pack my gray
glen-plaid worsted from sills
and four pairs
of gray lisle socks.
And since I'll be
in court most of the time,
give me four pale blue shirts,
two Oxford voile,
two sea island cotton.
I'll leave the ties up to you,
but keep the suit in mind.
Don't forget my robe
from turnbill and asser.
And my black wing-tipped shoes.
Not the new ones.
The ones I ordered
last year from peal's.
And put everything in my
oxblood cowhide tan two suiter,
the one from t. Anthony.
Holy Jesus. God.
Jonathan. You're back.
I didn't hear you come in.
Christ, don't you ever get
any ice out for this thing?
What's the matter?
Did something happen?
Yes, something happened.
My plane almost crashed.
That's what happened.
Trouble with the landing gear.
Circled Kennedy
for about an hour.
Then the pilot
decided to try it.
That's what he told us
on the intercom.
He'd try it.
- poor darling.
Whole emergency squad
was waiting for us.
Foam trucks, ambulances...
What's this?
God, you know I hate
crummy Chinese food.
I didn't expect you back
till tomorrow.
Let the girls eat it.
I wanna go out.
- I'll fix you a hamburger.
- I don't want a damn hamburger.
I want a good dinner,
out, with some friends.
Let's get somebody
to go to Elaine's with us.
It's after 6:00.
They're probably all tied up.
I'm gonna take shower. Line up
a sitter and call the willards
or call the bards. Get somebody!
Well, what's new?
Anybody call while I was gone?
Here comes rapture.
- Charlotte rady called.
- Ch... Charlotte rady?
Wow! Why didn't you say so?
She's giving a benefit
for Joe nemlo
when his show opens
at the flagan gallery.
Boy, oh, boy.
Gee, I wonder what
made her call now?
I mean, I wonder what
made her invite us, now?
We-we met her over a year ago.
Why... what suddenly made
her decide that we were...
You know, eligible.
- eligible?
Maybe...
Maybe it's because
she saw us at the Hamptons.
Oh, man. Were we smart
to spend the summer out there.
Ah! "Buena ser. "Buena" ser.
Is the lamb "senja tonight?
Scusi?
- senja.
The way the French fix it.
The lamb is poco coto."
The way the Italians fix it.
Well, is it rare
the way the Americans like it?
- Rare, signore.
- I'll have the lamb.
Me too and I like
to see the wine list.
No, no, no list.
I bring you
a nice bottle of barolo.
I happen to want a lambrusco.
No lambrusco. Barolo.
Well, then be sure
to make it a '65.
Ah, '65 is a very bad year, sir.
I bring you '64.
Fresh bastard.
Well, one thing's clear.
We gotta give a big party.
Why is that clear?
I-I mean how big a party
do you have in mind?
Ah, about a 100 people.
Sort of a cocktail buffet.
Ah, those crummy
little dinners we used to have
don't mean a thing. Hmm-mm.
We're way beyond that now.
Can I have another drink,
Jonathan?
I'm gonna get beaumont
to do the party.
The man the Willis'
and the bards' use.
But he's so pretentious.
Pretentious, pretentious.
What the hell does that mean?
Just what the dictionary says.
Look, don't start
worrying about it now.
Beaumont's booked months ahead.
I probably won't be able
to get him until Christmas time.
Think you can have
the silver polished
by Christmas time, tine?
Now what's the matter?
God's sake. Get a hold
of yourself, will you?
People are staring at you.
Coraggio.
Huh? What the hell did he say?
Good night, Jonathan.
Hey, tine...
How about a little
old roll in the hay?
Jonathan, not tonight. I'm...
Too tired.
Christ, is there anything
you can do anymore?
Don't worry. I'm not
gonna demand my rights
as a husband
and provider around here.
One thing I am gonna demand,
we're invited to Joe nemlo's
studio tomorrow night.
I want you
to pull yourself together.
And do something about
that god awful hair of yours.
What if somebody drops
a lighted cigarette in here?
This whole damn place
is a fire trap.
Fire trap? You must be mad.
Why do you have to
hang on to me?
Ruddy insecure.
- What do you want to drink?
- Vodka.
If this whole crowd
tried to get out at once,
they'd trample
each other to death.
My god, do you feel
the floor shaking?
This whole damn thing
is going to collapse.
I'm going over to talk
to Elliott Asher.
Who?
- you know, real estate.
The developer. Over there,
with Charlotte rady.
Don't hang on to me. Circulate.
Excuse me.
I noticed you've been hanging
around this doorway
all evening long. I wonder,
did you happen to see a tall,
skinny blonde with horned rims
come in or go out?
What makes you think
I've been hanging
around this door all evening?
Is there anybody else here
with an aborigine hairdo?
Did you see her?
Tall, skinny blonde?
No.
- horned rims are green.
No.
- sure?
About six feet, skinny as hell.
You couldn't miss her.
- That's clear.
- - you didn't see her?
No.
- oh, that lying tart.
That's a terrible thing
to say about a lady.
Oh, screw off, pocahontas.
I'm going to report you
to women's lib.
You're married to old, uh...
What's his name?
That balser, aren't you?
His name is Jonathan.
How long have you been
married to old jona-thing?
What's it to you?
How old are you?
Twenty-eight, 29?
It's none of your business.
Easy, baby, easy.
You know,
you're in terrible shape.
Why are you cross-examining me?
You interest me.
- oh...
Because I'm in
such terrible shape.
Well...
What's the matter with you
couldn't be clearer.
Too bad you're not my type.
You look like a cannibal.
Cheap and dry.
Hey, see you were talking
to George prager.
- Who's George prager?
- The writer!
Didn't you recognize him,
for god's sake?
- What's he like?
- Charming. Just fascinating.
Jonathan, I'd like to go home.
I'm starved.
Elliott Asher asked us to go
to la cope bask with him
and his... assistant,
a girl named margo.
I only want a sandwich.
You can get a sandwich
at la cope bask.
You can get any
damn thing you want.
Oh, that was an incredible
chateau cheval blanc
Elliott ordered. Hmm.
Nineteen forty-five.
Something, huh?
- uh-huh.
Did you notice how respectful
the wine steward was?
Boy, oh, boy. Elliott's a
fantastic guy. Don't you think?
I thought margo
was very sweet, too.
You suppose he's sleeping
with her?
Well, if he is,
it isn't a totally
- - satisfactory arrangement.
- What makes you say that?
Because I had to keep
removing his sweaty hand
from my knee all through dinner.
What'd you do to your hair?
Held it under water
till it drowned.
All right. All right.
I'm perfectly willing to admit
I'm wrong, when I'm wrong.
You sore at me?
Don't be silly, Jonathan.
How long will it take to dry?
About a half an hour.
why?
- well..
I thought...
When it's dry...
We might try a little old
roll in the hay.
Something stinks.
Look.
You bloody well
better clean that up
- before daddy gets home.
- Hi, girls.
Lulu was a very bad dog today.
Lulu made a mess on the rug.
Right there. See?
You can still see it.
It smells awful.
Do you realize that that rug
will have to be sent out
to the cleaners all over again?
Good evening, Jonathan.
Did you forget to walk that dog?
I forgot to leave the light on.
She's afraid of the dark.
That dog is not a normal dog.
That dog is neurotic.
We ought to get rid of that dog.
- What are we having for dinner?
- Steak.
Steak. Mmm.
This wine ought to be
very good with that.
Oh, this is a very,
very nice porterhouse.
Beautifully marbleized.
In fact, it looks so nice,
I think I'll make a Caesar salad
out of this romaine.
Do you have all the fixings?
Anchovies, croutons?
- Everything, Jonathan.
- Good. Any calls?
Ah, Mr. Asher called. He wants
you to call him back, tonight.
Ah, I think...
If I play my hand right,
he's going to let me in
on a good thing.
- A very, very good thing.
- What's that?
Well, he's getting a group
of investors together
to buy a vineyard in France.
How does that sound, tine?
We'd be right in there with the
rothchild's, wouldn't we?
Of course we can't expect
a high return
on our capital right away,
but that's not the point.
What is the point?
Well, we wanna maximize
the quality of the wine.
You know,
like jock Whitney with horses,
improve the breed.
- Who's "we"?
- One of the investors
is Marty houseman,
the film producer.
Could be a very friendly
dividend for me, tine.
A way for me to get into films.
Films?
- sure, sure.
I know I have a creative
potential in that field
with my visual imagination.
I mean, look at this apartment.
With my instinct
for stories and scripts,
I could be a producer too.
A producer? You're a lawyer.
I'll never be happy
just doing one thing.
I have to express myself
in many different ways.
That's the kind of man I am.
- A renaissance kind of man.
- You know...
Sometimes I wonder if
I didn't take the wrong turning
when I got out of Harvard.
Maybe...
I mean, instead of
going to law school,
I should have gone to Paris
and written a novel or...
Maybe come down to New York,
fooled around in the theatre.
Shouldn't have blocked my
creativity the way I did.
I'm a very creative
kind of person.
- What do you think of that?
- That's a creation.
Mother, you're not going
to wear that outfit, are you?
What's wrong with this outfit?
- It shows all your "bos."
- my what?
- "Bos," bosoms, you know.
- - the word for them is breasts.
I have asked you a 100 times
to call things
by their proper names.
- They're disgusting.
- What's disgusting?
The names for things
you want us to use.
Vagina, for god's sake.
Do you think that
poo-poo and poh-poh,
and thing and down there
are nicer?
You mustn't be ashamed
of natural functions.
I suppose you think
that's natural outfit?
Cut so low, your... breasts
are hanging out?
That must be Mrs. Prinz.
I can't stand Mrs. Prinz.
She smells like a wet dog.
Mrs. Prinz.
You're a lucky man, Mr. Balser.
Good night, girls.
Two little daughters,
so full of love, so sweet.
Bless their hearts.
- sure.
I have two sons
my sons I never see.
Uh-huh.
- not a phone call even.
Why can't my sons make
a phone call once a week?
Maybe they could spend a dime
to find out
they have a mother...
...Living and breathing
with my emphysema, yet.
Not dead in the grave.
I don't sleep nights thinking
how cruel my sons are to me.
They can stay up until the end
of this program, Mrs. Prinz.
- After that, lights out.
- Uh, Mr. Balser,
before you go, please.
It's a miracle
I didn't break the leg.
I don't sleep nights
from the pain.
Ah.
- and doctor bills.
A poor widow like me
shouldn't have doctor bills
for a crack in the pavement
the city's too rotten to fix.
What I want, Mr. Balser,
is you should be my lawyer
and sue the city for me.
I don't handle personal
injury cases, Mrs. Prinz.
Last Tuesday, broad daylight,
on Madison Avenue, in front
of rockner's stationery store.
I'm sorry. You'll have to get
someone else, Mrs. Prinz.
- Goodbye, girls.
- Make the city pay me,
Mr. Balser.
Fifty thousand dollars.
For my pain, Mr. Balser.
No idea who we are.
How clear of you to come.
How very sweet and clear of you.
And now be good little lambs
and get yourselves a drink.
You know everyone here.
Oh, my god!
Did you ever see
so many names in one place?
Neven
isn't it marvelous
that we've developed
such an exciting social life?
Marvelous.
Um, uh, look who's there.
That's, um...
It's um... what's his name?
He won the pulitzer prize.
- Who's that?
- Nobody. Balser's wife.
I'm used to paying that sort
of price for something.
But it's a lot of money.
Hi there.
I'm Tina balser.
We met at Joe nemlo's party.
You were looking for a...
A tall skinny blonde
with green horn rims.
Oh, yes.
Mrs. Balser. Samuel keefer.
How do you do?
- hello.
So, I think you ought
to do that, George.
Especially since you're the most
ambitious prick I know.
You and I have been friends
for a long time.
Screw friendship.
Excuse me.
Charming pair.
Hello.
We weren't laughing
at you, you know.
- Oh, I didn't think you were.
- Oh, yes, you did.
In case you don't know it,
that's pretty looney.
Oh, go to hell.
What's the matter?
- Can't you relax?
- Would you leave me alone?
Look, I came all the way over
here to give you a compliment
and you act as if
I'm insulting you.
A compliment?
- yes.
I honestly
didn't recognize you before.
You know, you look like a
totally different woman tonight.
Tell me...
Does screwing appeal to you?
What's the matter? You drunk?
Just mad.
- Looney, as you said.
- Stand still. Here.
I haven't finished.
- I find this all rather boring.
- You're not bored,
so, cut the crap. As a matter
of fact, you're thawing.
And you're just beginning
to vibrate.
You know, you excite
the hell out of me.
And I excite you too, don't I?
Oh, my.
Oh, my goodness.
Why, this hasn't happened
to me in years.
Not since I was
a horny teenager.
- You're disgusting.
- Stand right here.
We don't want the world
to see how you affect me, do we?
How would you like
to sit on my lap?
You are the most
disgusting man I have ever met.
So?
- so nothing, you worm.
I noticed you're talking
to George prager.
Yes.
- mmm. You see?
That should prove
something to you.
What?
I'm damn proud you can hold
your own with someone like that.
What were you talking about?
Sex.
We were talking about sex.
Sex?
That's right.
Hmm-mm. Nothing the matter
with you, Tina.
I take it all back.
If you can banter about sex with
someone like George prager...
You're not as insecure
as I thought.
Please get that, lottie?
Hello? Just a moment, please.
There's a man who wants
to speak to you, Mrs. Balser.
He says to tell you
it's Mr. Prager.
Thank you, lottie.
I'll take it in here.
Hello?
Have you recovered from
my shocking behavior yet?
I gave you damn near two weeks.
How are you?
Why, I'm just fine,
thank you. How are you?
Okay, good. That's over.
Let's get to the point.
Can I see you this afternoon?
Actually,
I'd like to see you right now.
You mean you'd take me out
for a drink or... or for lunch?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, really, baby.
You expect me
to go through all that?
Come on. Come on.
Be a big, brave girl.
Play it clean and straight, huh?
Oh, I'm not brave.
I'm a coward
through and through.
Actually, I'm afraid of about
everything you could name.
Yeah. And I'll name one.
Me.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I find you rather exciting.
Well, about you coming over...
I have to go to a committee
meeting at my daughter's school.
I was just on my way out.
Tomorrow. Ah, no.
Tomorrow's Saturday. Monday.
Monday I promised Jonathan
I'd go down
and pick out our
Christmas cards for this year.
Your life is really
full of crap, isn't it?
Look, I'm in the telephone book.
If you wanna see me,
you call me.
Believe me, the girls
are gonna be just fine.
In some cases the fever
runs as high as 105.
But there's still nothing
to worry about.
The thing just has
to run its course.
No antibiotics can touch it.
Give them plenty of fluids
and keep 'em warm.
And, uh...
Don't worry if they throw up
a lot in the next few days.
You'll just have to rally round
with the old mop and pail.
Will I get it?
- probably.
This thing is very contagious.
You mean my husband
will get it too?
Tina!
Tina!
Tine... this damn thing
makes me so thirsty.
Get me a glass
of ginger ale, will you?
With lots of cracked ice?
Cracked, not cubes.
If only you would only
go lie down in the living room,
I could clean up this mess.
Oh, too weak to move.
Little while ago you said
you were feeling stronger.
I'm having a relapse.
Tine?
-mmm?
Bring me a carr's water biscuit,
will you?
Darn.
Tina!
Tina!
Goddammit.
Tina!
Tine... I've got this terrible
craving for a tall lemonade.
I'll see if there's a can
in the freezer.
But tine...
I'd rather have fresh lemonade.
Make me the real old fashioned
kind, tine, with...
Plenty of cracked ice
and sliced lemons.
Tine?
Put in a touch
of grenadine, will you?
You're up.
- You must be feeling better.
- Oh, god, no.
I feel perfectly lousy.
- What's that you're reading?
- A cook book.
Looking for a Turkey stuffing.
Thanksgiving. Oh.
- Christ. When's that?
- A week from tomorrow.
My brain's been affected
by this thing.
Tina...
The invitations to our party
have to out right away.
The party's not
for another month.
I know, but the kind of people
we're inviting
make plans two
and three months ahead of time.
We'll be lucky if everybody
isn't all booked up.
Would you please do them?
I'd like to help you, but...
I really feel rotten.
I feel weak as a kitten.
God... I have to go back to bed.
Tina!
Tina!
Huh. Tina!
Tina!
Tin...
Tine, I've been thinking
about the Turkey stuffing.
Maybe you could do
a whole different kind
of Thanksgiving dinner
this year.
Not that your Thanksgiving
dinners haven't been great.
But... it might be fun
to jazz it up.
More... gourmet.
Less classic American, you know?
That's a wonderful idea,
Jonathan.
How are you coming
with the invitations?
Finished.
I'll mail them tomorrow.
No stamps in the house.
Why can't you take 'em
to the post office?
It's awfully cold outside.
For god's sakes, Tina,
the post office is only
four bloody blocks away.
That's true.
That's absolutely true.
What you say
has a certain ring of truth.
Yes.
- Were you working?
- No, I'm not working.
Would I answer if I was working?
Oh. This is Tina balser.
Who?
Tina balser.
Oh. So, it's you. What's up?
You wanna drink?
I thought that might be nice.
Hold on a minute.
Look, tomorrow's out. It'll have
to be the day after tomorrow.
Friday at three o' clock.
You gonna change your mind?
Chicken out, not show?
Is this the table
where you work?
I mean, well, if it is, what
a wonderful view to inspire you.
Are you working on a new...
Article or new book
or something?
I never talk
about my work... ever.
So, forget it from now on.
Now, please, don't start.
Start what?
- being impossible.
I am impossible.
Don't you start.
Me? Start what?
- Getting all nerved up.
- I am not all nerved up.
You just an... antagonize me.
That isn't exactly
the word for it.
What changed your mind
about coming here?
I, uh...
- I'm not very clear about that.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
Point it, you are here.
It's interesting, isn't it?
That's not exactly
the word for it.
You know anything about me?
Aside from my work.
Everything they say is true.
Well, except for the bit
about my being on stuff.
I was for a while,
but not long enough...
To get in any real trouble.
I take it this is
the big warning.
You can skip that.
I can take care of myself.
Oh, please, don't start
that ia-de-da shit with me.
It makes me wanna puke.
Save it for your husband
and your charming crew
of friends.
This is ridiculous.
I am going home.
- sit down!
- Sit down.
- I can't stay.
- You make me too mad.
- You're not mad.
You're scared to death.
Goddammit, so am I.
So am I.
Baby, you are a terrific
piece of ass.
Are you always that good?
Well, so much
for the compliment.
Now, what the hell do we do?
What do you mean?
- well...
I thought you'd be good
for a couple of screws,
but this could get out of hand.
Don't worry.
I have no intention
of getting involved with you.
I am the one who is not
going to get involved with you.
I'm not gonna let a dizzy,
mixed-up broad like you
mess me up.
Then there's nothing
to worry about, is there?
Oh, I know your type.
For females like you, sex...
Particularly great sex...
There's got to be love.
I could never love you. Ever.
Could you please move a little
so I can get up off this floor?
What for?
To get dressed and go home.
It's only ten past four.
You just got here.
Hey.
George, let me go.
- why?
Cause you already...
You're reliable, aren't you?
Let's see.
Oh, yes, you are.
Alive and kicking.
The thing it all hangs on is,
can you have a straight
sex thing or not?
It's not gonna be easy for you.
I know your type.
You said that before.
What exactly is my type?
Your type is that when you
were a little girl,
you brushed your hair 100
strokes every single night.
I always cheated.
And you wore white gloves
and you went to dancing school.
And on your tenth birthday,
you're daddy hired a magician
to entertain at your party.
And the next summer you went
to camp and fell in love
with your dyke riding counselor.
Tennis counselor.
Then you went to some
pukey girls' school, didn't you?
And you edited the year book.
And then during the summer
and vacation on nantucket,
you necked your ass off
with a dumb boy
from
Virginia military institute.
He was a smart, and from exeter.
And it was east Hampton.
Now, that get-up.
That's your type.
Why do you come here looking
as if you're on your way
to a poetry reading
at the y.M.H.A.?
Instead of on my way to commit
adultery on 50th street.
Really, is that what it is
to you, Mrs. Balser?
Certainly not a love affair.
Well, there are,
I believe, other terms.
Save 'em...
For your bloody awful books.
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You take that back.
Okay.
You're good.
You're so good...
It doesn't bear thinking about.
Well...
Now, you tell me why you came
up here thinking about it.
Because then I have to figure
out why George, the writer...
Is also George,
the deliberately...
Coarse and vulgar clod.
Hey, what do you say we play
this by ear for a while?
Okay.
Now... we will not see
each other for say...
Mmm, about a week.
And we won't call each other.
Don't give me that smile.
You're gonna wanna call me.
Now, let's say we have a date
a week from today.
Same time.
During that week
we will think things over.
You will think about whether
you can swing this
for what it is,
pure and incredible sex.
And I will think about just
what I can or cannot take.
- And what does that mean?
- Well, it means I'm just
not sure wanna cope with all
of your emotional tantrums.
- My emotional tantrums?
- You'll be crazy about me.
You really are.
All crazy, weak in the knees.
And then you're
gonna have tantrums
and you're gonna throw fits
and you're gonna get upset
and possessive
and make demands and scenes.
Listen to yourself.
Now, if during this week
you've decided you've kicked it
or you don't wanna play
it my way,
you just don't call me
or you don't come.
And if, during the week,
I've decided I don't need it,
I'll call you
and tell you not to come
or I just will not
be here when you show up.
- All the unmitigated gall.
- Well... what about it?
What do you say? Deal?
It's a deal.
- good.
Yuck. Onions before breakfast.
- Couldn't you wait until later?
- - food's in the dining room.
You won't be able
to smell anything in there.
You can smell the bloody onions
all the way in our bedroom.
That's what woke me up.
What's this?
Something for
the Turkey stuffing.
It looks mucky. Ugh.
- What's that bloody smell?
- Good morning, Jonathan.
God. Are you making
a big production?
I am making Thanksgiving dinner.
And rather special,
as you requested. Why?
I feel as if I'm getting that
goddamn thing all over again.
You probably drank
too much last night.
Go back to sleep. You'll feel
better when you wake up.
Feeling any better?
- mmm.
You look better.
Where are the girls?
Watching the Thanksgiving parade
with some friends.
Oh, great.
It gives us plenty of time.
Time?
For a little old
roll in the hay.
Now?
- yeah, of course now.
Honey, you're not feeling well.
I feel fine.
I feel pretty horny
as a matter of fact.
You get pretty horny
lying around in bed all day.
Well... I'm sorry, but I...
I really don't feel like it.
I mean, I haven't been
lying around in bed all day.
I've been running around
all day.
And there's a lot left to do.
And if I don't go turn off the...
Yeah, okay, I get the idea.
Do you think you could at least
bring me something to eat?
- Sure. What would you like?
- Juice and coffee,
one four-minute egg and a scone.
No butter.
And some damson plum preserves.
- We're gonna be eating dinner...
- Well, I'm hungry.
I haven't eaten all day.
My, this is a delicious dinner,
tine.
Isn't this
just scrumptious, girls?
This wine is called
romanee-saint-vivant.
Can you say that?
Romanee-saint-vivant.
Good. You must learn
so when you grow up,
you'll know all about wines.
No reason why women
shouldn't know as much as men.
Expensive for a 1964.
Expensive but not... smug.
You know what I mean?
This stuffing tastes different.
Why didn't you make the old
kind of stuffing we love?
Daddy specifically asked for
something different this year.
Didn't you, Jonathan?
I did. And I'm glad I did.
It's great. Super-duper.
Always said you had
the makings of a superb cook.
What's in the stuffing?
The squiggly things?
Please don't talk
with your mouth full, sylvie.
Oysters.
Sylvie!
Sylvie! What do you mean by
doing such a disgusting thing?
Sylvie! I am talking to you.
What was the meaning
of that outrage?
Oysters! They make me sick.
- You and Liz just love oysters.
- On the half shell
with cocktail sauce. Not in a
bloody Turkey, for god's sake.
Sylvie, you will apologize
to your mother this instant.
And then you will eat
this delicious dinner
that she has worked
so hard to cook.
It isn't delicious, it's awful.
Mushy chestnuts, onion
and celery and cream.
Even the salad isn't normal.
Oranges and cut up plants.
You go straight to your room.
I'm happy to go to my room.
I feel rather peculiar.
Elliott here, Jonathan.
How are you?
Elly, old boy. How are you?
- Have a pleasant Thanksgiving?
- Splendid, and you?
Perfect.
Couldn't have been better.
I'm awfully sorry
to bother you on a holiday,
but, uh, we're having a little
financial meeting here.
- Are you free to join us?
- Of course.
I'd love to.
Be over in ten minutes.
What was that?
What was what?
- That awful crash.
- I dropped a plate.
Didn't sound like a plate.
- Why are you going out?
- You ought to know.
You were listening
on the extension.
Why does Mr. Asher want you
for a financial meeting?
Because I'm gonna be one of
the major investors
in his new vineyard.
How much?
Who do you think you are,
cross examining me?
How much are you investing,
Jonathan?
I don't like
being cross examined.
And I don't like being spied on
on the telephone.
How can we afford
to invest in a vineyard?
I'm in charge of
financial matters around here.
So you can take
that snippy tone of voice
and do "you know what"
with it, old girl.
And since you've had
such an exhausting Clay...
I suggest that you
just go to bed.
And relax.
Well...
We're hooked.
At least for a while, anyway.
Who taught you all that?
Marvelous hands.
Incredible hands.
He didn't teach you all that.
Who?
That goofed up husband of yours.
You screw around a lot
before you married him?
Not a lot.
Well, what's his problem,
anyway?
I gather you don't know it,
but he happens to be
a brilliant lawyer.
Well, is he likely
to get wise to this?
No, he doesn't watch me.
He's a... little too involved
with himself right now.
Well, he probably has
a broad somewhere.
Mmm, no.
He isn't the type.
Oh, everybody is the type,
pussycat.
Well, did you...
Just screw around a lot
since you married him?
Never before.
Really?
Well, what took you so long?
I believed in all those
square virtues.
Fidelity and loyalty.
Nothing, you'd understand.
Yeah. Now tell me
the real reason.
That is the real reason.
And besides,
sex isn't that important to me.
No, it really isn't.
Oh, my sweet fish.
My sweet fish.
You do not act like a broad
to whom sex is not important.
Who broke you in?
Come on. Tell me.
What was he like?
I dig hearing about
that sort of thing.
Voyeur.
Oh, don't give me any crap about
being a voyeur. I am a voyeur.
Well...
There wasn't anybody...
Like that.
And besides,
there doesn't have to be.
With... some women...
Sex is just...
Instinctive.
Remember what proust
told about albertine?
She...
Instinctively knew...
What would give
the male body pleasure.
She... what?
She instinctively knew
what would give the male...
Oh, George,
please don't laugh at me.
Oh, Jesus.
My funny baby.
Albertine
instinctively knew..."
Oh, my god. My god, you
are too much. You knucklehead.
Proust was a homosexual
and albertine was a goddamn boy.
Well, I don't happen
to believe in that theory.
I happen to believe that
the character of albertine
- was based on a real woman.
- And who taught you that?
Some crappy professor
at Sarah Lawrence?
Smith.
- oh. Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey, sweetheart.
Oh, sweetheart cookie.
You really are a smart dame,
but sometimes you've got a box
full of marbles for a brain.
And you're a mean,
cruel bastard.
And you manage to spoil
just about everything.
My Christmas list.
The ones that can't
be covered by cash
and the ones that require
the personal touch
of a little present
besides cash.
You'll notice that I put down
suggestions after each name,
with a sort of price ceiling.
In some cases,
I've even indicated stores.
Lord & Taylor is nice for boots
and I happen to know
Ms. Newby needs a pair.
Fleece-lined suede will be nice,
I think, as I've suggested.
I've even put down her size.
I take it you want me
to do your Christmas shopping?
Yes, I do.
I haven't any time this year.
By the way,
how are the rsvp's coming in?
Everyone's answered,
except seven or eight.
Uh-huh. What about Charlotte
rady and Julie Hayes
and the packards?
They all accept?
Charlotte rady
and Julie Hayes did,
Joyce packard called
this morning
and said she couldn't come.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Very, very sorry.
Did she give any reason?
They're off
to some place to ski.
Klosters or kitzbuhel.
Boy, some people really know
how to live, don't they?
I hope you've arranged to have
the apartment done next week.
Uh, floors waxed,
windows washed.
You've ordered the flowers,
haven't you?
Not yet.
Not yet?
Do you realize our party
is only nine days away?
I wanna have a talk with you.
About what?
Do you know what tobacco
does to your teeth?
Stains them.
You notice that I don't
allow myself to be ruled
by a little tube of tobacco.
Is that what you came
to talk about? Smoking?
I wanna talk about
the way we live.
The way we live is ridiculous.
I couldn't agree more.
Tina, I've been sitting in the
den trying to figure it out.
Why is it, just as I am about to
realize my creative potential,
you are doing everything
to hold me back?
What if I happen to think that
some of your methods are wrong?
This whole kick you're on...
Throwing big parties
for so-called celebrities...
Running after them.
I think it's idiotic
and demeaning.
They don't care about you.
They wanna use you.
Why don't you just let me
be the judge of that.
Why? Why can't you
go along with me
instead of working
to destroy me?
Wanna know the truth? I'm more
worried about the girls.
What the hell do you mean
by that crack?
Girls look to their mothers
to learn how to be women...
And you sure set
one hell of a horrible example.
Well, listen here,
Jonathan balser,
if there's any rotten example
being set, for those girls,
it is not me.
So you take that kind of talk
and shove it right up your ass.
You calm down. Calm down.
Stop using such foul language.
I'm gonna pretend
that you never said
any of the nasty
things you just said.
Well, that is very big
of you, I must say.
I have been patient...
I have been
fantastically patient...
More patient
than any other man I know.
But I am at my wit's end.
I don't know what to do.
About what?
In nine days we are giving
a party for 100 people.
I have hired beaumont, the most
expensive caterer in New York,
to handle the food
and the service. Even the ice.
I would like to see you
do one thing
to make this party a success.
Would you come to a party...
That we're giving
a week from Saturday...
If I thought of
a safe way of inviting you?
Not on your life.
Why?
First of all,
I don't dig parties.
I hate them. And second of all,
I do not get my kicks
from that sort of thing.
What sort of thing?
That "nobody-knows-but-us" crap.
My poor baby.
I might have known you'd take
that kind of cheap thrill.
I only asked you
because it would be
more bearable if you were there.
If you hate parties so much,
what were you doing
at the do where we met?
Checking up on a lying cunt.
The tall, skinny blonde.
Oh, what difference
does it make who it was?
Oh... it sounds as if you...
Cared for her.
Ca red?
Oh, Christ, you are starting
to get possessive, aren't you?
Do you still see her?
You've made love to a million
different women, haven't you?
Mmm. Give or take a dozen.
You've had lots
of practice and experience.
Mmm. Aren't you glad?
I'm jealous.
You have no goddamn right
to get jealous.
Why? Because I'm married?
- no.
Because you give me too damn
little of your time, that's why.
What the hell am I supposed
to do while you're off
changing diapers and running
errands for old jona-thing?
And while we're on that subject,
you can tell me
- you two never screw?
- No, I'm not.
Well, supposing
I don't like that.
You're jealous.
Well, what difference
does it make,
since you and I are only
having a straight sex thing?
Oh, shit to all that.
Come on, baby,
we're wasting time.
Oh. Ooh! Jesus, is it cold.
Hell. O
hello.
Look what I have for you.
Oh, it's still cold.
- Don't you have a bathrobe?
- Never owned one in my life.
Why?
Bathrobes were luxuries
where I grew up.
Now, it's just a habit.
What's today? Tuesday?
How about Friday?
I know this will only
prove your point...
But the fact is, I can't
see you until next week.
And next week will be the last
time until after the holidays.
Don't you wanna know why?
No, I don't give a shit why.
Well, one of the reasons
is that damn party we're having.
I have to stick around and see
that the floors get waxed
and the windows get washed.
Interesting things like that.
And then... and then Friday,
I have to go to the dentist
and to the hairdresser.
- yeah.
Next week I could see you
early in the week.
Because I'm due to get the curse
around the middle of the week.
I don't mind that.
I do.
- you would.
Then what?
This is fascinating,
in a hair-raising sort of way.
After that
is Christmas vacation.
I have to spend some time with
the girls, take them places.
Jesus, and you have the nerve
to be jealous.
Look, it's 5:20,
hadn't you better move your ass?
Do you wanna see me
next Tuesday or not?
Oh, sure. Sure, baby.
Tuesday is fine.
I'll have some mistletoe
hanging over the bed.
Hey, tine, is that you?
- hi.
Come on in here.
I wanna show you something.
How do they look?
Ooh, just fine.
One hundred and fifty-three.
Still ten days to Christmas.
- We're half way there.
- Half way where?
Well... we sent out
300 cards this year.
I want you to make a list
before you throw them away.
No point in sending cards
next year
to people who couldn't be
bothered to send us one.
I remembered what you said.
That bit about
my deprived childhood, huh?
Look, would you be very sore
if I took this back
and I got some shirts?
I'm very low on shirts.
Just because you're embarrassed
you didn't get me a present,
doesn't mean
you have to get tough.
And who said I didn't
get you a present?
I'd faint if I ever
got a present from you.
Oh, you would, huh?
Open it.
Well, don't just sit there.
Try it on.
Now? Here?
Now. Here.
You're suddenly modest?
Just as I thought.
- what?
You don't look at all sexy.
Still, it's an improvement
over that destin company lady
lingerie you're always wearing.
Oh, shut up.
You shut up.
Come here.
- no.
It's...
Too cold.
That's not bad.
That's not bad at all.
It's a lot better than walking
around in a dirty old raincoat.
Well, that's it.
Christmas is over.
I was a good little boy
and Santa claus came.
Didn't you?
What are you gonna do
on Christmas?
Why?
What should I be doing?
What are you doing?
Tell me, how is the birthday
of our lord celebrated
in the warm and loving
balser household?
Answer the telephone.
Answer the goddamn phone.
Okay.
Hello.
No, I was taking a shower.
Because I felt like it.
That's why.
Will you get off that
stupid kick, for Christ's sake?
No, that's too early.
I thought I told you
to knock it off.
I'll be there
about eight o' clock.
It was agreed that you have
no damn right to be jealous.
I am not jealous.
- what?
I'm not jealous.
I just feel sick.
Why? You asked for it.
You begged for it. You ordered
me to answer the phone.
How come
it was plugged in today?
Afraid you'd miss that call?
Oh, Christ, here comes
the big agony scene.
I'm not even sure
you bought that chemise for me.
- Well, it fit you, didn't it?
- It could fit any number of...
Broads.
- oh, please.
What are you trying to prove?
That I'm a rat? A bastard?
You know that.
That's why you come here.
- It's what turns you on.
- Sometimes it turns me on.
Sometimes it makes me
wanna throw up.
Everything has its price.
I know.
I'm not sure I can pay it.
Well, can you or can't you?
If you can't, get off the pot.
You're trying to confuse things,
as I knew you would.
All this jazz about presents.
What the hell has presents
got to do with you and me?
Jesus, I must be out of my mind.
Anytime you show signs
of being human, I'll think
- you're out of your mind.
- I'm not human.
Sentimental.
We happen to have
a fantastic sex thing.
Sex is sex.
A lay is a lay is a lay.
You wanna get laid, you come
here and you get royally laid.
Isn't that enough?
No why the hell
do you have to dress it up
with a lot of schmultz
and trimmings?
If that's what you want,
go find yourself some nice
guilty type
of adulteress husband
in that select social
set you travel in.
They're past masters
at that sort of crap.
You don't need a woman.
You need a sex machine.
Well, it sure would save one
hell of a lot of trouble.
Merry Christmas!
Madame balser?
Beaumont service, madame.
Ah! Monsieur beaumont,
a pleasure to meet you at last.
I'm not monsieur beaumont.
I'm monsieur Henri.
Oh. How do you do, Henri?
What time does
monsieur beaumont arrive?
Monsieur beaumont does not
arrive, monsieur balser.
Please, is there somewhere my
people can change their clothes?
Doesn't arrive?
You mean, not come at all?
I'm afraid I don't understand.
Monsieur beaumont only appears
at those parties
where the, uh...
Necessary arrangements
have been made.
Well, I...
This should have
been made clear to me.
I wasn't told that one had
to make special arrangements
to have
monsieur beaumont appear.
Bloody upsetting.
- Does it really matter?
- Goddamn right it matters.
I'm paying enough for beaumont
to come here
and show his bloody face.
He could've told me.
You've got your
hell of a goddamn nerve.
Now how the hell are me and my
wife supposed to get in and out
- of our front door, huh?
- What's the trouble, Mr. Meyer?
Trouble? I said
you got your hell of a nerve
putting these lousy
coat racks in the hall.
I'm terribly sorry, but you see,
we're having a big party...
I don't care if you're having
the last supper.
These lousy coatracks
are blocking my front door.
How the hell are our friends
supposed to get into our house?
- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Meyer.
- I tell you something.
I wouldn't have come
over here and made this fuss,
if it wasn't for
that husband of yours.
If that husband of yours
hadn't rung my bell last week
and asked... no, no, no.
He told me to get a new doormat.
That husband of yours said
that my doormat is an eyesore.
That's exactly the word he used.
Eyesore!
Then he had the nerve to ask me
to take in my umbrella stand.
That is an imported
umbrella stand.
I mean, he's got
his goddamn nerve.
Just who the hell does he think
he is, that husband of yours?
Can't you wait
until the party begins?
The party has begun.
Mother, mother.
Why? What's the matter?
We went into the pantry and
there were platters of canapes
and we were going
to take one each
and a tall man said
if we touched anything,
he'd lock us in our rooms.
Well, I just better
straighten him out.
Tina, don't you dare
go in there.
Monsieur Henri is right.
These people are professionals.
These people are perfectionists.
If monsieur Henri doesn't want
you two girls under his feet,
spoiling all their hard work,
then you listen to him.
- Can't we just have one canape?
- Please?
That's up to monsieur Henri.
Why is it up to monsieur Henri?
Because he's in charge here.
He's in charge here?
This is our party.
My party!
My party! You haven't lifted
one finger for this party.
Monsieur Henri is
an employee in this house!
If I wanna serve
canapes to Lulu,
that's who he'll serve
canapes to.
You're mother's very funny,
isn't she, girls?
You heard her.
You heard what she said.
Your mother wants
to have a poodle party
instead of a people party.
Oh, mother, a poodle party!
You lousy bastard.
All right now. Come on.
You two go watch television.
Go on now. Hurry up. Hurry up.
Don't care what you say
in front of them, do you?
Making my own daughters
laugh at me?
As usual,
you've got everything twisted.
You let them see
that you find me ridiculous.
You encourage them
to find me ridiculous!
What have I got twisted?!
Oh, why do you have
to overreact to everything?
What have I got twisted?!
What has she got twisted,
old boy?
Peter. Joanie.
Reaching for these drinks.
Get me two j&b's, just
a touch of water and some lemon.
Okay? Thank you.
Oh, look. Don't run away.
I wanna talk to you.
Mark, how are you? Good
to see you. Merry Christmas.
What are you getting
for Christmas?
Beer please and a
double vodka and tonic.
Yes, yes. Absolutely.
Can you get that, please?
Seriously, I couldn't stand it.
Divine party, angel.
I see you're using
beaumont's people.
You should have called me.
I would have told you about
this other new person
who is simply marvelous.
Everybody in the world
used beaumont
in these last couple of years.
Those omelets of his
have had it.
That's what we're having.
Omelets.
Oh, dear,
I've said something wrong.
I just meant
that if you called me,
I could have
given you some advice.
I do have some advice
for you, angel.
About something else.
Do you remember in Shakespeare
what iago said to the moor?
Look to your wife.
Observe her well.
Only you must switch
the sexes around, Tina, dear.
Why, Charlotte...
I didn't know
that you'd done the classics.
I thought you
got into the movies
because you were
maddy Gordon's favorite hooker.
Rotten little bitch.
- - Henri shut down the big bar.
- I know.
It's much too early.
People wanna drink,
- - not think about food.
- I know.
Stop him.
Make him re-open the bar.
I've already asked him to.
He says he has
another party to do tonight
and if we want food at all,
it has to be now.
And if we don't want it,
we have to pay for it anyway.
Oh, god.
Oh, is the bar
shut down here, too?
Sit down, honey.
You with anyone?
We'll never get
a table at Elaine's.
I wanna go to Elaine's.
I think George'll be there.
How do you know
George will be there?
- George?
- I wanna dance.
Let's go somewhere
where we can get some chow
and then let's get some
place where we can dance.
I wanna know how you know where
George is having dinner tonight?
George who?
- why don't we have
a fast omelet here and then
go some place to dance?
I don't want
any crap omelet, that's why.
Let's go, everybody. Come on.
Come on, honey.
This place is dead.
Beaumont's people certainly
left this place in good shape
you gotta say that.
Beaumont's people certainly
left this place in good shape.
I mean, you can't even tell
there's been a party here.
Has there been a party here?
By the way, what the hell
did you say to Charlotte rady?
Saw the two of you talking,
the next thing I know,
she was charging
out the front door.
What makes you think
I had anything to do with it?
Maybe she was bored.
Maybe there weren't
enough celebrities.
Or maybe she just
needed another fix.
Well... on the whole, I think
everything went quite well.
Don't you?
How much did it cost?
What the hell difference
does it make how much it cost?
I'll be it cost over $1,000.
What the hell do you care? You
didn't have to lift a finger.
He shouldn't have started
those omelets so early.
But most people were damned
happy to see those omelets.
At quarter past nine,
there were 13 people here.
- I counted them.
- God, I might have known.
You always have to put
down everything.
You're not happy unless
you're giving something the axe.
Oh, where's my bird?
Where's my Alaskan point barrow
eskimo bird?
Stolen.
Stolen?
I saw a man
put it in his pocket.
Wh... well, why
the bloody hell didn't you
march right over there
and get it back?
He was one of your celebrities.
What's his name...
Who won the pulitzer prize.
You got a pimple on your ass.
I know.
You're getting too damn skinny.
I can see you ribs.
Please don't pick on me, George.
Why? What's the matter?
I don't know.
Well, it's the way you acted
when I came in today.
Why? How did I act?
- oh.
So casual, as if it hasn't been
almost three weeks
- since you've seen me.
- What did you expect?
Crescendo violin?
What's the matter?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Maybe it's because
I realized today...
That you never wanna know
a damn thing about me.
Do you know that you don't
even know the names of my girls?
You don't even give a goddamn
about anything about me.
Oh, Christ.
Cut out the waterworks,
will you?
Hurry up, love.
I don't mean to be brisk,
but you can't stay long today.
I'm not planning
on staying long.
Listen, uh, baby...
One of the reasons
I let you come here today
- was because I, um...
- let me come here today"?
Yes. I let you come in today.
One of the reasons was I...
Wanted to say
what I have to say in person.
You'd have gotten it all wrong
if I'd have said it
on the phone.
I decided we ought
to cool this for a while.
- You... you're tired of me.
- No, because I'm tired.
I had three hours
sleep last night
and I work like
a son of a bitch Clay and night.
When I work,
I work like a maniac.
I can't work like that
and do other things.
Contrary to what I like
to think, I'm not Superman.
- What do you mean by cool this?
- Let things ride for a while.
Say a few weeks and then...
When things let up,
I'll give you a call.
When what things let up?
Look, uh, I don't ask you
to account to me.
Is it something you're writing?
Please tell me.
Did you start something
over Christmas?
I know you don't talk
about your work,
but you can tell me
that much, can't you?
Or is it... screwing around
with some other broad
that's made you so puking tired.
Oh, whammy. Now we have got
a full dressed tantrum going on.
- You animal. I hate your guts.
- Oh, boy. The works.
How can I ever
let any part of me touch you?
Not what you were whimpering
a half hour ago.
Oh, you rotten,
sadistic son of a bitch.
In case you don't know it, baby,
that's exactly what you did.
That's what turns you on,
what makes our sex so fantastic.
You're goddamn right
I'm a sadist
and you're the perfect
willing victim.
Poor little housewife. You can't
take it straight, can you?
You want it all tied up
with hearts and flowers
and lyrics by hammerstein.
I warned you. I called you.
Didn't I?
Now, you listen to me. There
have always been other broads
and there always will be.
Broads and broads and broads.
What the hell has that got
to do with you, Mrs. America?
You're sick.
Sick.
You have to put on
this big, virile act...
- Because you're really a fag.
- Now, you listen girl.
You take these clothes
and you get dressed.
And you get the hell out
of my house in one minute flat
or you are gonna be
a basket case.
What's the matter?
Why are you up?
I'm having
some hot milk and honey.
My mother used to give it to me
when I was a kid...
When bad dreams woke me up.
Your mother?
Bad dreams?
Why can't you sleep, Jonathan?
I was wondering. What ever
happened to my red suspenders?
What red suspenders?
I was wearing them
the night we met.
What ever happened to them?
Oh, you must have thrown
them away a long time ago.
It was so hot at the Democratic
club and I took off my jacket
and you dug my red suspenders.
Remember, tine?
That speech you gave
was so good.
Yeah. Was it?
You were witty...
And charming...
And very sexy.
My new frontier type speech.
Oh, god, how I wanted to go
into politics in those days.
You remember
how fired up we were
about what was happening
in Washington?
We were so young and hopeful.
Sounds corny...
But we were idealistic.
Weren't we, tine?
And then...
Suddenly it was all over.
Just gone.
I used to wake up three o'clock
in the morning, crying.
Because it wasn't there anymore.
It's three o'clock
in the morning now.
What's wrong, Jonathan?
Just about everything
you can think of is wrong.
Tell me.
Do you really wanna know?
The... the vineyard in France
is a total loss.
No hope of salvaging a penny.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
Some, some, some kind of
plant disease. Root rot, uh...
Every vine is full of it.
- Did you invest a lot in it?
- A lot.
How much?
We're cleaned out.
I even sold our stock
and I'm in debt.
Well...
You'll just have to...
Cut down
and live a lot differently.
After all, you... you still have
a good income from the firm.
That's another thing. I...
I'm in trouble at the office.
It seems hodison has been
extremely displeased
with me recently and...
Today I tried for a motion
in a suit and lost.
He called me down
like a bloody office boy.
He said... he said I may...
I'd be looking for a new job
if I didn't get with it.
What else, Jonathan?
Um... I've been having
an affair.
Yes.
Yes. Did margo call you?
She threatened to.
I'll kill her if she did.
I knew it all along,
without really knowing.
I'm not cut out
for all that jazz.
All the lies.
All the arrangements.
And the guilt.
And...
Oh, I know
I've neglected you in...
In the hay.
I hate myself for it.
Tine...
I expected
a big scene over this.
Tears. Recriminations.
Oh, Tina,
you're being wonderful.
So patient and understanding.
Please don't.
Don't make me out to be...
Well, so noble.
You're a fine human being, Tina.
No, I'm not.
I'm just a human being.
Do you want a divorce, tine?
Or...
Do you think we could pick up
the pieces and...
Maybe work out a better
marriage than we ever had?
So, that's it.
That's where it's at.
Well, that's pretty dirty pool.
Your old man levels with you
and you don't open your mouth
about your boyfriend.
You leave the poor slob dragging
his guilt tail and you're just
- as guilty as he is.
- What obligation did she have,
to make that silly bastard
feel better?
I joined group with the
understanding I would get help
with my very real
and terrible life problems.
She has a husband, a lover,
and an eight-room apartment
on the park.
Why does she need help?
I don't understand her problem.
Your husband works hard
to support you.
In return for which he wants
the house clean,
the buttons sewn on,
and a modest amount
of sexual intercourse.
I mean, what's your problem?
You are nothing but
a spoilt middle class bitch.
Exactly like my ex-wife,
so I know where of I speak.
Wait till you hear
about some of the freaks.
She's doing it in group.
What about those two
sweet little girls?
Be sure
your lawyer gets the dog.
If your old man gets it,
he will leave it alone all day
and that is not good
for poodles.
- When a...
- Poodles are irrelevant.
Who the hell
cares about poodles?
All we got here
is a rotten state of affairs.
I want to build
a kiln in our garage.
I want to have Clay out there
and a Potter's wheel out there
and make pots.
"Oh, no." My husband says,
"no wife of the chairman of the
board of strasberg and stern
is going to make pots."
"Well, what's wrong
with pots?" I ask him.
"If you want pots, go out
and buy pots." He tells me.
Well, I don't want to buy pots.
I want to make pots.
Oh, my husband is a cannibal
who is devouring my life juices
just like your husband
is devouring your life juices.
Will you leave him? Leave him.
Stay with him
and count your blessings.
- Do good. Divorce him.
- Ah, shit. Split!
Get out. Get a lawyer.
- out!
Good morning. Good morning.
Well, you certainly
had a good sleep.
You were dead to the world
when the alarm clock rang.
Quarter to eight, tine.
I've been up for 15 minutes.
Come on, tine. Get up.
For god's sake,
tine, snap to it.
Wish I could understand what's
the matter with you these days.
I'm really very worried
about you.
Take the way you look.
You don't look well.
Your color's rotten. You act
as if you're exhausted.
How could you be exhausted
the minute you get up
in the morning?
What's more. You're too thin,
for god's sake.
Oh, you used to have
a terrific figure.
You've gotten so bloody skinny.
And that god awful
hair of yours.
Just... hanging down.
No style. Well...
Maybe you don't care
what you look like
in front of me and the girls...
But what about
the rest of the world?
You're Mrs. Jonathan balser.
My wife.
My wife is a reflection of me.
I'm only telling you this,
because I am deeply concerned
about you, Tina.
Tina, for god's sake,
do you know what you're doing
to your lungs?
To say nothing of your heart.
Do you know what you're doing to
your whole circulatory system?
Don't you have any
willpower at all?
Put it out, tine.
This is the softest
four-minute egg I ever saw.
If it is a four-minute egg.
Hey, tine, is this
a four-minute egg?
Your mother made
phi beta kapa at Smith,
but I don't think she can make
a four-minute egg.
Will you look at those trunks?
Back from the country
over two weeks.
She hasn't unpacked
those bloody trunks yet.
Hey, tine...
Better call an agency,
get a laundress over here
so you can unpack those trunks.
Is my bacon ready yet?
Twenty past eight.
Some more toast, tine.
Hey, tine, why don't you
get cracking on a thorough
fall house cleaning campaign
around here?
Get the floors waxed.
Get the windows washed.
Get this place looking
as if civilized people
are in residence. Hmm?
Gee, that's a little light,
isn't it?
I'm sorry. I hurried it.
Sweetie, can I have a little
more damson plum preserve,
please?
That was hodison on the phone.
We're flying to Wichita at noon.
Will you please
pack my bag for me, tine?
I'll send miss newby by
for it in about an hour.
Better pack my gray
glen-plaid worsted from sills
and four pairs
of gray lisle socks.
And since I'll be
in court most of the time,
give me four pale blue shirts,
two Oxford voile,
two sea island cotton.
I'll leave the ties up to you,
but keep the suit in mind.
Don't forget my robe
from turnbill and asser.
And my black wing-tipped shoes.
Not the new ones.
The ones I ordered
last year from peal's.
And put everything in my
oxblood cowhide tan two suiter,
the one from t. Anthony.
Holy Jesus. God.
Jonathan. You're back.
I didn't hear you come in.
Christ, don't you ever get
any ice out for this thing?
What's the matter?
Did something happen?
Yes, something happened.
My plane almost crashed.
That's what happened.
Trouble with the landing gear.
Circled Kennedy
for about an hour.
Then the pilot
decided to try it.
That's what he told us
on the intercom.
He'd try it.
- poor darling.
Whole emergency squad
was waiting for us.
Foam trucks, ambulances...
What's this?
God, you know I hate
crummy Chinese food.
I didn't expect you back
till tomorrow.
Let the girls eat it.
I wanna go out.
- I'll fix you a hamburger.
- I don't want a damn hamburger.
I want a good dinner,
out, with some friends.
Let's get somebody
to go to Elaine's with us.
It's after 6:00.
They're probably all tied up.
I'm gonna take shower. Line up
a sitter and call the willards
or call the bards. Get somebody!
Well, what's new?
Anybody call while I was gone?
Here comes rapture.
- Charlotte rady called.
- Ch... Charlotte rady?
Wow! Why didn't you say so?
She's giving a benefit
for Joe nemlo
when his show opens
at the flagan gallery.
Boy, oh, boy.
Gee, I wonder what
made her call now?
I mean, I wonder what
made her invite us, now?
We-we met her over a year ago.
Why... what suddenly made
her decide that we were...
You know, eligible.
- eligible?
Maybe...
Maybe it's because
she saw us at the Hamptons.
Oh, man. Were we smart
to spend the summer out there.
Ah! "Buena ser. "Buena" ser.
Is the lamb "senja tonight?
Scusi?
- senja.
The way the French fix it.
The lamb is poco coto."
The way the Italians fix it.
Well, is it rare
the way the Americans like it?
- Rare, signore.
- I'll have the lamb.
Me too and I like
to see the wine list.
No, no, no list.
I bring you
a nice bottle of barolo.
I happen to want a lambrusco.
No lambrusco. Barolo.
Well, then be sure
to make it a '65.
Ah, '65 is a very bad year, sir.
I bring you '64.
Fresh bastard.
Well, one thing's clear.
We gotta give a big party.
Why is that clear?
I-I mean how big a party
do you have in mind?
Ah, about a 100 people.
Sort of a cocktail buffet.
Ah, those crummy
little dinners we used to have
don't mean a thing. Hmm-mm.
We're way beyond that now.
Can I have another drink,
Jonathan?
I'm gonna get beaumont
to do the party.
The man the Willis'
and the bards' use.
But he's so pretentious.
Pretentious, pretentious.
What the hell does that mean?
Just what the dictionary says.
Look, don't start
worrying about it now.
Beaumont's booked months ahead.
I probably won't be able
to get him until Christmas time.
Think you can have
the silver polished
by Christmas time, tine?
Now what's the matter?
God's sake. Get a hold
of yourself, will you?
People are staring at you.
Coraggio.
Huh? What the hell did he say?
Good night, Jonathan.
Hey, tine...
How about a little
old roll in the hay?
Jonathan, not tonight. I'm...
Too tired.
Christ, is there anything
you can do anymore?
Don't worry. I'm not
gonna demand my rights
as a husband
and provider around here.
One thing I am gonna demand,
we're invited to Joe nemlo's
studio tomorrow night.
I want you
to pull yourself together.
And do something about
that god awful hair of yours.
What if somebody drops
a lighted cigarette in here?
This whole damn place
is a fire trap.
Fire trap? You must be mad.
Why do you have to
hang on to me?
Ruddy insecure.
- What do you want to drink?
- Vodka.
If this whole crowd
tried to get out at once,
they'd trample
each other to death.
My god, do you feel
the floor shaking?
This whole damn thing
is going to collapse.
I'm going over to talk
to Elliott Asher.
Who?
- you know, real estate.
The developer. Over there,
with Charlotte rady.
Don't hang on to me. Circulate.
Excuse me.
I noticed you've been hanging
around this doorway
all evening long. I wonder,
did you happen to see a tall,
skinny blonde with horned rims
come in or go out?
What makes you think
I've been hanging
around this door all evening?
Is there anybody else here
with an aborigine hairdo?
Did you see her?
Tall, skinny blonde?
No.
- horned rims are green.
No.
- sure?
About six feet, skinny as hell.
You couldn't miss her.
- That's clear.
- - you didn't see her?
No.
- oh, that lying tart.
That's a terrible thing
to say about a lady.
Oh, screw off, pocahontas.
I'm going to report you
to women's lib.
You're married to old, uh...
What's his name?
That balser, aren't you?
His name is Jonathan.
How long have you been
married to old jona-thing?
What's it to you?
How old are you?
Twenty-eight, 29?
It's none of your business.
Easy, baby, easy.
You know,
you're in terrible shape.
Why are you cross-examining me?
You interest me.
- oh...
Because I'm in
such terrible shape.
Well...
What's the matter with you
couldn't be clearer.
Too bad you're not my type.
You look like a cannibal.
Cheap and dry.
Hey, see you were talking
to George prager.
- Who's George prager?
- The writer!
Didn't you recognize him,
for god's sake?
- What's he like?
- Charming. Just fascinating.
Jonathan, I'd like to go home.
I'm starved.
Elliott Asher asked us to go
to la cope bask with him
and his... assistant,
a girl named margo.
I only want a sandwich.
You can get a sandwich
at la cope bask.
You can get any
damn thing you want.
Oh, that was an incredible
chateau cheval blanc
Elliott ordered. Hmm.
Nineteen forty-five.
Something, huh?
- uh-huh.
Did you notice how respectful
the wine steward was?
Boy, oh, boy. Elliott's a
fantastic guy. Don't you think?
I thought margo
was very sweet, too.
You suppose he's sleeping
with her?
Well, if he is,
it isn't a totally
- - satisfactory arrangement.
- What makes you say that?
Because I had to keep
removing his sweaty hand
from my knee all through dinner.
What'd you do to your hair?
Held it under water
till it drowned.
All right. All right.
I'm perfectly willing to admit
I'm wrong, when I'm wrong.
You sore at me?
Don't be silly, Jonathan.
How long will it take to dry?
About a half an hour.
why?
- well..
I thought...
When it's dry...
We might try a little old
roll in the hay.
Something stinks.
Look.
You bloody well
better clean that up
- before daddy gets home.
- Hi, girls.
Lulu was a very bad dog today.
Lulu made a mess on the rug.
Right there. See?
You can still see it.
It smells awful.
Do you realize that that rug
will have to be sent out
to the cleaners all over again?
Good evening, Jonathan.
Did you forget to walk that dog?
I forgot to leave the light on.
She's afraid of the dark.
That dog is not a normal dog.
That dog is neurotic.
We ought to get rid of that dog.
- What are we having for dinner?
- Steak.
Steak. Mmm.
This wine ought to be
very good with that.
Oh, this is a very,
very nice porterhouse.
Beautifully marbleized.
In fact, it looks so nice,
I think I'll make a Caesar salad
out of this romaine.
Do you have all the fixings?
Anchovies, croutons?
- Everything, Jonathan.
- Good. Any calls?
Ah, Mr. Asher called. He wants
you to call him back, tonight.
Ah, I think...
If I play my hand right,
he's going to let me in
on a good thing.
- A very, very good thing.
- What's that?
Well, he's getting a group
of investors together
to buy a vineyard in France.
How does that sound, tine?
We'd be right in there with the
rothchild's, wouldn't we?
Of course we can't expect
a high return
on our capital right away,
but that's not the point.
What is the point?
Well, we wanna maximize
the quality of the wine.
You know,
like jock Whitney with horses,
improve the breed.
- Who's "we"?
- One of the investors
is Marty houseman,
the film producer.
Could be a very friendly
dividend for me, tine.
A way for me to get into films.
Films?
- sure, sure.
I know I have a creative
potential in that field
with my visual imagination.
I mean, look at this apartment.
With my instinct
for stories and scripts,
I could be a producer too.
A producer? You're a lawyer.
I'll never be happy
just doing one thing.
I have to express myself
in many different ways.
That's the kind of man I am.
- A renaissance kind of man.
- You know...
Sometimes I wonder if
I didn't take the wrong turning
when I got out of Harvard.
Maybe...
I mean, instead of
going to law school,
I should have gone to Paris
and written a novel or...
Maybe come down to New York,
fooled around in the theatre.
Shouldn't have blocked my
creativity the way I did.
I'm a very creative
kind of person.
- What do you think of that?
- That's a creation.
Mother, you're not going
to wear that outfit, are you?
What's wrong with this outfit?
- It shows all your "bos."
- my what?
- "Bos," bosoms, you know.
- - the word for them is breasts.
I have asked you a 100 times
to call things
by their proper names.
- They're disgusting.
- What's disgusting?
The names for things
you want us to use.
Vagina, for god's sake.
Do you think that
poo-poo and poh-poh,
and thing and down there
are nicer?
You mustn't be ashamed
of natural functions.
I suppose you think
that's natural outfit?
Cut so low, your... breasts
are hanging out?
That must be Mrs. Prinz.
I can't stand Mrs. Prinz.
She smells like a wet dog.
Mrs. Prinz.
You're a lucky man, Mr. Balser.
Good night, girls.
Two little daughters,
so full of love, so sweet.
Bless their hearts.
- sure.
I have two sons
my sons I never see.
Uh-huh.
- not a phone call even.
Why can't my sons make
a phone call once a week?
Maybe they could spend a dime
to find out
they have a mother...
...Living and breathing
with my emphysema, yet.
Not dead in the grave.
I don't sleep nights thinking
how cruel my sons are to me.
They can stay up until the end
of this program, Mrs. Prinz.
- After that, lights out.
- Uh, Mr. Balser,
before you go, please.
It's a miracle
I didn't break the leg.
I don't sleep nights
from the pain.
Ah.
- and doctor bills.
A poor widow like me
shouldn't have doctor bills
for a crack in the pavement
the city's too rotten to fix.
What I want, Mr. Balser,
is you should be my lawyer
and sue the city for me.
I don't handle personal
injury cases, Mrs. Prinz.
Last Tuesday, broad daylight,
on Madison Avenue, in front
of rockner's stationery store.
I'm sorry. You'll have to get
someone else, Mrs. Prinz.
- Goodbye, girls.
- Make the city pay me,
Mr. Balser.
Fifty thousand dollars.
For my pain, Mr. Balser.
No idea who we are.
How clear of you to come.
How very sweet and clear of you.
And now be good little lambs
and get yourselves a drink.
You know everyone here.
Oh, my god!
Did you ever see
so many names in one place?
Neven
isn't it marvelous
that we've developed
such an exciting social life?
Marvelous.
Um, uh, look who's there.
That's, um...
It's um... what's his name?
He won the pulitzer prize.
- Who's that?
- Nobody. Balser's wife.
I'm used to paying that sort
of price for something.
But it's a lot of money.
Hi there.
I'm Tina balser.
We met at Joe nemlo's party.
You were looking for a...
A tall skinny blonde
with green horn rims.
Oh, yes.
Mrs. Balser. Samuel keefer.
How do you do?
- hello.
So, I think you ought
to do that, George.
Especially since you're the most
ambitious prick I know.
You and I have been friends
for a long time.
Screw friendship.
Excuse me.
Charming pair.
Hello.
We weren't laughing
at you, you know.
- Oh, I didn't think you were.
- Oh, yes, you did.
In case you don't know it,
that's pretty looney.
Oh, go to hell.
What's the matter?
- Can't you relax?
- Would you leave me alone?
Look, I came all the way over
here to give you a compliment
and you act as if
I'm insulting you.
A compliment?
- yes.
I honestly
didn't recognize you before.
You know, you look like a
totally different woman tonight.
Tell me...
Does screwing appeal to you?
What's the matter? You drunk?
Just mad.
- Looney, as you said.
- Stand still. Here.
I haven't finished.
- I find this all rather boring.
- You're not bored,
so, cut the crap. As a matter
of fact, you're thawing.
And you're just beginning
to vibrate.
You know, you excite
the hell out of me.
And I excite you too, don't I?
Oh, my.
Oh, my goodness.
Why, this hasn't happened
to me in years.
Not since I was
a horny teenager.
- You're disgusting.
- Stand right here.
We don't want the world
to see how you affect me, do we?
How would you like
to sit on my lap?
You are the most
disgusting man I have ever met.
So?
- so nothing, you worm.
I noticed you're talking
to George prager.
Yes.
- mmm. You see?
That should prove
something to you.
What?
I'm damn proud you can hold
your own with someone like that.
What were you talking about?
Sex.
We were talking about sex.
Sex?
That's right.
Hmm-mm. Nothing the matter
with you, Tina.
I take it all back.
If you can banter about sex with
someone like George prager...
You're not as insecure
as I thought.
Please get that, lottie?
Hello? Just a moment, please.
There's a man who wants
to speak to you, Mrs. Balser.
He says to tell you
it's Mr. Prager.
Thank you, lottie.
I'll take it in here.
Hello?
Have you recovered from
my shocking behavior yet?
I gave you damn near two weeks.
How are you?
Why, I'm just fine,
thank you. How are you?
Okay, good. That's over.
Let's get to the point.
Can I see you this afternoon?
Actually,
I'd like to see you right now.
You mean you'd take me out
for a drink or... or for lunch?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, really, baby.
You expect me
to go through all that?
Come on. Come on.
Be a big, brave girl.
Play it clean and straight, huh?
Oh, I'm not brave.
I'm a coward
through and through.
Actually, I'm afraid of about
everything you could name.
Yeah. And I'll name one.
Me.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I find you rather exciting.
Well, about you coming over...
I have to go to a committee
meeting at my daughter's school.
I was just on my way out.
Tomorrow. Ah, no.
Tomorrow's Saturday. Monday.
Monday I promised Jonathan
I'd go down
and pick out our
Christmas cards for this year.
Your life is really
full of crap, isn't it?
Look, I'm in the telephone book.
If you wanna see me,
you call me.
Believe me, the girls
are gonna be just fine.
In some cases the fever
runs as high as 105.
But there's still nothing
to worry about.
The thing just has
to run its course.
No antibiotics can touch it.
Give them plenty of fluids
and keep 'em warm.
And, uh...
Don't worry if they throw up
a lot in the next few days.
You'll just have to rally round
with the old mop and pail.
Will I get it?
- probably.
This thing is very contagious.
You mean my husband
will get it too?
Tina!
Tina!
Tine... this damn thing
makes me so thirsty.
Get me a glass
of ginger ale, will you?
With lots of cracked ice?
Cracked, not cubes.
If only you would only
go lie down in the living room,
I could clean up this mess.
Oh, too weak to move.
Little while ago you said
you were feeling stronger.
I'm having a relapse.
Tine?
-mmm?
Bring me a carr's water biscuit,
will you?
Darn.
Tina!
Tina!
Goddammit.
Tina!
Tine... I've got this terrible
craving for a tall lemonade.
I'll see if there's a can
in the freezer.
But tine...
I'd rather have fresh lemonade.
Make me the real old fashioned
kind, tine, with...
Plenty of cracked ice
and sliced lemons.
Tine?
Put in a touch
of grenadine, will you?
You're up.
- You must be feeling better.
- Oh, god, no.
I feel perfectly lousy.
- What's that you're reading?
- A cook book.
Looking for a Turkey stuffing.
Thanksgiving. Oh.
- Christ. When's that?
- A week from tomorrow.
My brain's been affected
by this thing.
Tina...
The invitations to our party
have to out right away.
The party's not
for another month.
I know, but the kind of people
we're inviting
make plans two
and three months ahead of time.
We'll be lucky if everybody
isn't all booked up.
Would you please do them?
I'd like to help you, but...
I really feel rotten.
I feel weak as a kitten.
God... I have to go back to bed.
Tina!
Tina!
Huh. Tina!
Tina!
Tin...
Tine, I've been thinking
about the Turkey stuffing.
Maybe you could do
a whole different kind
of Thanksgiving dinner
this year.
Not that your Thanksgiving
dinners haven't been great.
But... it might be fun
to jazz it up.
More... gourmet.
Less classic American, you know?
That's a wonderful idea,
Jonathan.
How are you coming
with the invitations?
Finished.
I'll mail them tomorrow.
No stamps in the house.
Why can't you take 'em
to the post office?
It's awfully cold outside.
For god's sakes, Tina,
the post office is only
four bloody blocks away.
That's true.
That's absolutely true.
What you say
has a certain ring of truth.
Yes.
- Were you working?
- No, I'm not working.
Would I answer if I was working?
Oh. This is Tina balser.
Who?
Tina balser.
Oh. So, it's you. What's up?
You wanna drink?
I thought that might be nice.
Hold on a minute.
Look, tomorrow's out. It'll have
to be the day after tomorrow.
Friday at three o' clock.
You gonna change your mind?
Chicken out, not show?
Is this the table
where you work?
I mean, well, if it is, what
a wonderful view to inspire you.
Are you working on a new...
Article or new book
or something?
I never talk
about my work... ever.
So, forget it from now on.
Now, please, don't start.
Start what?
- being impossible.
I am impossible.
Don't you start.
Me? Start what?
- Getting all nerved up.
- I am not all nerved up.
You just an... antagonize me.
That isn't exactly
the word for it.
What changed your mind
about coming here?
I, uh...
- I'm not very clear about that.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
Point it, you are here.
It's interesting, isn't it?
That's not exactly
the word for it.
You know anything about me?
Aside from my work.
Everything they say is true.
Well, except for the bit
about my being on stuff.
I was for a while,
but not long enough...
To get in any real trouble.
I take it this is
the big warning.
You can skip that.
I can take care of myself.
Oh, please, don't start
that ia-de-da shit with me.
It makes me wanna puke.
Save it for your husband
and your charming crew
of friends.
This is ridiculous.
I am going home.
- sit down!
- Sit down.
- I can't stay.
- You make me too mad.
- You're not mad.
You're scared to death.
Goddammit, so am I.
So am I.
Baby, you are a terrific
piece of ass.
Are you always that good?
Well, so much
for the compliment.
Now, what the hell do we do?
What do you mean?
- well...
I thought you'd be good
for a couple of screws,
but this could get out of hand.
Don't worry.
I have no intention
of getting involved with you.
I am the one who is not
going to get involved with you.
I'm not gonna let a dizzy,
mixed-up broad like you
mess me up.
Then there's nothing
to worry about, is there?
Oh, I know your type.
For females like you, sex...
Particularly great sex...
There's got to be love.
I could never love you. Ever.
Could you please move a little
so I can get up off this floor?
What for?
To get dressed and go home.
It's only ten past four.
You just got here.
Hey.
George, let me go.
- why?
Cause you already...
You're reliable, aren't you?
Let's see.
Oh, yes, you are.
Alive and kicking.
The thing it all hangs on is,
can you have a straight
sex thing or not?
It's not gonna be easy for you.
I know your type.
You said that before.
What exactly is my type?
Your type is that when you
were a little girl,
you brushed your hair 100
strokes every single night.
I always cheated.
And you wore white gloves
and you went to dancing school.
And on your tenth birthday,
you're daddy hired a magician
to entertain at your party.
And the next summer you went
to camp and fell in love
with your dyke riding counselor.
Tennis counselor.
Then you went to some
pukey girls' school, didn't you?
And you edited the year book.
And then during the summer
and vacation on nantucket,
you necked your ass off
with a dumb boy
from
Virginia military institute.
He was a smart, and from exeter.
And it was east Hampton.
Now, that get-up.
That's your type.
Why do you come here looking
as if you're on your way
to a poetry reading
at the y.M.H.A.?
Instead of on my way to commit
adultery on 50th street.
Really, is that what it is
to you, Mrs. Balser?
Certainly not a love affair.
Well, there are,
I believe, other terms.
Save 'em...
For your bloody awful books.
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You take that back.
Okay.
You're good.
You're so good...
It doesn't bear thinking about.
Well...
Now, you tell me why you came
up here thinking about it.
Because then I have to figure
out why George, the writer...
Is also George,
the deliberately...
Coarse and vulgar clod.
Hey, what do you say we play
this by ear for a while?
Okay.
Now... we will not see
each other for say...
Mmm, about a week.
And we won't call each other.
Don't give me that smile.
You're gonna wanna call me.
Now, let's say we have a date
a week from today.
Same time.
During that week
we will think things over.
You will think about whether
you can swing this
for what it is,
pure and incredible sex.
And I will think about just
what I can or cannot take.
- And what does that mean?
- Well, it means I'm just
not sure wanna cope with all
of your emotional tantrums.
- My emotional tantrums?
- You'll be crazy about me.
You really are.
All crazy, weak in the knees.
And then you're
gonna have tantrums
and you're gonna throw fits
and you're gonna get upset
and possessive
and make demands and scenes.
Listen to yourself.
Now, if during this week
you've decided you've kicked it
or you don't wanna play
it my way,
you just don't call me
or you don't come.
And if, during the week,
I've decided I don't need it,
I'll call you
and tell you not to come
or I just will not
be here when you show up.
- All the unmitigated gall.
- Well... what about it?
What do you say? Deal?
It's a deal.
- good.
Yuck. Onions before breakfast.
- Couldn't you wait until later?
- - food's in the dining room.
You won't be able
to smell anything in there.
You can smell the bloody onions
all the way in our bedroom.
That's what woke me up.
What's this?
Something for
the Turkey stuffing.
It looks mucky. Ugh.
- What's that bloody smell?
- Good morning, Jonathan.
God. Are you making
a big production?
I am making Thanksgiving dinner.
And rather special,
as you requested. Why?
I feel as if I'm getting that
goddamn thing all over again.
You probably drank
too much last night.
Go back to sleep. You'll feel
better when you wake up.
Feeling any better?
- mmm.
You look better.
Where are the girls?
Watching the Thanksgiving parade
with some friends.
Oh, great.
It gives us plenty of time.
Time?
For a little old
roll in the hay.
Now?
- yeah, of course now.
Honey, you're not feeling well.
I feel fine.
I feel pretty horny
as a matter of fact.
You get pretty horny
lying around in bed all day.
Well... I'm sorry, but I...
I really don't feel like it.
I mean, I haven't been
lying around in bed all day.
I've been running around
all day.
And there's a lot left to do.
And if I don't go turn off the...
Yeah, okay, I get the idea.
Do you think you could at least
bring me something to eat?
- Sure. What would you like?
- Juice and coffee,
one four-minute egg and a scone.
No butter.
And some damson plum preserves.
- We're gonna be eating dinner...
- Well, I'm hungry.
I haven't eaten all day.
My, this is a delicious dinner,
tine.
Isn't this
just scrumptious, girls?
This wine is called
romanee-saint-vivant.
Can you say that?
Romanee-saint-vivant.
Good. You must learn
so when you grow up,
you'll know all about wines.
No reason why women
shouldn't know as much as men.
Expensive for a 1964.
Expensive but not... smug.
You know what I mean?
This stuffing tastes different.
Why didn't you make the old
kind of stuffing we love?
Daddy specifically asked for
something different this year.
Didn't you, Jonathan?
I did. And I'm glad I did.
It's great. Super-duper.
Always said you had
the makings of a superb cook.
What's in the stuffing?
The squiggly things?
Please don't talk
with your mouth full, sylvie.
Oysters.
Sylvie!
Sylvie! What do you mean by
doing such a disgusting thing?
Sylvie! I am talking to you.
What was the meaning
of that outrage?
Oysters! They make me sick.
- You and Liz just love oysters.
- On the half shell
with cocktail sauce. Not in a
bloody Turkey, for god's sake.
Sylvie, you will apologize
to your mother this instant.
And then you will eat
this delicious dinner
that she has worked
so hard to cook.
It isn't delicious, it's awful.
Mushy chestnuts, onion
and celery and cream.
Even the salad isn't normal.
Oranges and cut up plants.
You go straight to your room.
I'm happy to go to my room.
I feel rather peculiar.
Elliott here, Jonathan.
How are you?
Elly, old boy. How are you?
- Have a pleasant Thanksgiving?
- Splendid, and you?
Perfect.
Couldn't have been better.
I'm awfully sorry
to bother you on a holiday,
but, uh, we're having a little
financial meeting here.
- Are you free to join us?
- Of course.
I'd love to.
Be over in ten minutes.
What was that?
What was what?
- That awful crash.
- I dropped a plate.
Didn't sound like a plate.
- Why are you going out?
- You ought to know.
You were listening
on the extension.
Why does Mr. Asher want you
for a financial meeting?
Because I'm gonna be one of
the major investors
in his new vineyard.
How much?
Who do you think you are,
cross examining me?
How much are you investing,
Jonathan?
I don't like
being cross examined.
And I don't like being spied on
on the telephone.
How can we afford
to invest in a vineyard?
I'm in charge of
financial matters around here.
So you can take
that snippy tone of voice
and do "you know what"
with it, old girl.
And since you've had
such an exhausting Clay...
I suggest that you
just go to bed.
And relax.
Well...
We're hooked.
At least for a while, anyway.
Who taught you all that?
Marvelous hands.
Incredible hands.
He didn't teach you all that.
Who?
That goofed up husband of yours.
You screw around a lot
before you married him?
Not a lot.
Well, what's his problem,
anyway?
I gather you don't know it,
but he happens to be
a brilliant lawyer.
Well, is he likely
to get wise to this?
No, he doesn't watch me.
He's a... little too involved
with himself right now.
Well, he probably has
a broad somewhere.
Mmm, no.
He isn't the type.
Oh, everybody is the type,
pussycat.
Well, did you...
Just screw around a lot
since you married him?
Never before.
Really?
Well, what took you so long?
I believed in all those
square virtues.
Fidelity and loyalty.
Nothing, you'd understand.
Yeah. Now tell me
the real reason.
That is the real reason.
And besides,
sex isn't that important to me.
No, it really isn't.
Oh, my sweet fish.
My sweet fish.
You do not act like a broad
to whom sex is not important.
Who broke you in?
Come on. Tell me.
What was he like?
I dig hearing about
that sort of thing.
Voyeur.
Oh, don't give me any crap about
being a voyeur. I am a voyeur.
Well...
There wasn't anybody...
Like that.
And besides,
there doesn't have to be.
With... some women...
Sex is just...
Instinctive.
Remember what proust
told about albertine?
She...
Instinctively knew...
What would give
the male body pleasure.
She... what?
She instinctively knew
what would give the male...
Oh, George,
please don't laugh at me.
Oh, Jesus.
My funny baby.
Albertine
instinctively knew..."
Oh, my god. My god, you
are too much. You knucklehead.
Proust was a homosexual
and albertine was a goddamn boy.
Well, I don't happen
to believe in that theory.
I happen to believe that
the character of albertine
- was based on a real woman.
- And who taught you that?
Some crappy professor
at Sarah Lawrence?
Smith.
- oh. Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey, sweetheart.
Oh, sweetheart cookie.
You really are a smart dame,
but sometimes you've got a box
full of marbles for a brain.
And you're a mean,
cruel bastard.
And you manage to spoil
just about everything.
My Christmas list.
The ones that can't
be covered by cash
and the ones that require
the personal touch
of a little present
besides cash.
You'll notice that I put down
suggestions after each name,
with a sort of price ceiling.
In some cases,
I've even indicated stores.
Lord & Taylor is nice for boots
and I happen to know
Ms. Newby needs a pair.
Fleece-lined suede will be nice,
I think, as I've suggested.
I've even put down her size.
I take it you want me
to do your Christmas shopping?
Yes, I do.
I haven't any time this year.
By the way,
how are the rsvp's coming in?
Everyone's answered,
except seven or eight.
Uh-huh. What about Charlotte
rady and Julie Hayes
and the packards?
They all accept?
Charlotte rady
and Julie Hayes did,
Joyce packard called
this morning
and said she couldn't come.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Very, very sorry.
Did she give any reason?
They're off
to some place to ski.
Klosters or kitzbuhel.
Boy, some people really know
how to live, don't they?
I hope you've arranged to have
the apartment done next week.
Uh, floors waxed,
windows washed.
You've ordered the flowers,
haven't you?
Not yet.
Not yet?
Do you realize our party
is only nine days away?
I wanna have a talk with you.
About what?
Do you know what tobacco
does to your teeth?
Stains them.
You notice that I don't
allow myself to be ruled
by a little tube of tobacco.
Is that what you came
to talk about? Smoking?
I wanna talk about
the way we live.
The way we live is ridiculous.
I couldn't agree more.
Tina, I've been sitting in the
den trying to figure it out.
Why is it, just as I am about to
realize my creative potential,
you are doing everything
to hold me back?
What if I happen to think that
some of your methods are wrong?
This whole kick you're on...
Throwing big parties
for so-called celebrities...
Running after them.
I think it's idiotic
and demeaning.
They don't care about you.
They wanna use you.
Why don't you just let me
be the judge of that.
Why? Why can't you
go along with me
instead of working
to destroy me?
Wanna know the truth? I'm more
worried about the girls.
What the hell do you mean
by that crack?
Girls look to their mothers
to learn how to be women...
And you sure set
one hell of a horrible example.
Well, listen here,
Jonathan balser,
if there's any rotten example
being set, for those girls,
it is not me.
So you take that kind of talk
and shove it right up your ass.
You calm down. Calm down.
Stop using such foul language.
I'm gonna pretend
that you never said
any of the nasty
things you just said.
Well, that is very big
of you, I must say.
I have been patient...
I have been
fantastically patient...
More patient
than any other man I know.
But I am at my wit's end.
I don't know what to do.
About what?
In nine days we are giving
a party for 100 people.
I have hired beaumont, the most
expensive caterer in New York,
to handle the food
and the service. Even the ice.
I would like to see you
do one thing
to make this party a success.
Would you come to a party...
That we're giving
a week from Saturday...
If I thought of
a safe way of inviting you?
Not on your life.
Why?
First of all,
I don't dig parties.
I hate them. And second of all,
I do not get my kicks
from that sort of thing.
What sort of thing?
That "nobody-knows-but-us" crap.
My poor baby.
I might have known you'd take
that kind of cheap thrill.
I only asked you
because it would be
more bearable if you were there.
If you hate parties so much,
what were you doing
at the do where we met?
Checking up on a lying cunt.
The tall, skinny blonde.
Oh, what difference
does it make who it was?
Oh... it sounds as if you...
Cared for her.
Ca red?
Oh, Christ, you are starting
to get possessive, aren't you?
Do you still see her?
You've made love to a million
different women, haven't you?
Mmm. Give or take a dozen.
You've had lots
of practice and experience.
Mmm. Aren't you glad?
I'm jealous.
You have no goddamn right
to get jealous.
Why? Because I'm married?
- no.
Because you give me too damn
little of your time, that's why.
What the hell am I supposed
to do while you're off
changing diapers and running
errands for old jona-thing?
And while we're on that subject,
you can tell me
- you two never screw?
- No, I'm not.
Well, supposing
I don't like that.
You're jealous.
Well, what difference
does it make,
since you and I are only
having a straight sex thing?
Oh, shit to all that.
Come on, baby,
we're wasting time.
Oh. Ooh! Jesus, is it cold.
Hell. O
hello.
Look what I have for you.
Oh, it's still cold.
- Don't you have a bathrobe?
- Never owned one in my life.
Why?
Bathrobes were luxuries
where I grew up.
Now, it's just a habit.
What's today? Tuesday?
How about Friday?
I know this will only
prove your point...
But the fact is, I can't
see you until next week.
And next week will be the last
time until after the holidays.
Don't you wanna know why?
No, I don't give a shit why.
Well, one of the reasons
is that damn party we're having.
I have to stick around and see
that the floors get waxed
and the windows get washed.
Interesting things like that.
And then... and then Friday,
I have to go to the dentist
and to the hairdresser.
- yeah.
Next week I could see you
early in the week.
Because I'm due to get the curse
around the middle of the week.
I don't mind that.
I do.
- you would.
Then what?
This is fascinating,
in a hair-raising sort of way.
After that
is Christmas vacation.
I have to spend some time with
the girls, take them places.
Jesus, and you have the nerve
to be jealous.
Look, it's 5:20,
hadn't you better move your ass?
Do you wanna see me
next Tuesday or not?
Oh, sure. Sure, baby.
Tuesday is fine.
I'll have some mistletoe
hanging over the bed.
Hey, tine, is that you?
- hi.
Come on in here.
I wanna show you something.
How do they look?
Ooh, just fine.
One hundred and fifty-three.
Still ten days to Christmas.
- We're half way there.
- Half way where?
Well... we sent out
300 cards this year.
I want you to make a list
before you throw them away.
No point in sending cards
next year
to people who couldn't be
bothered to send us one.
I remembered what you said.
That bit about
my deprived childhood, huh?
Look, would you be very sore
if I took this back
and I got some shirts?
I'm very low on shirts.
Just because you're embarrassed
you didn't get me a present,
doesn't mean
you have to get tough.
And who said I didn't
get you a present?
I'd faint if I ever
got a present from you.
Oh, you would, huh?
Open it.
Well, don't just sit there.
Try it on.
Now? Here?
Now. Here.
You're suddenly modest?
Just as I thought.
- what?
You don't look at all sexy.
Still, it's an improvement
over that destin company lady
lingerie you're always wearing.
Oh, shut up.
You shut up.
Come here.
- no.
It's...
Too cold.
That's not bad.
That's not bad at all.
It's a lot better than walking
around in a dirty old raincoat.
Well, that's it.
Christmas is over.
I was a good little boy
and Santa claus came.
Didn't you?
What are you gonna do
on Christmas?
Why?
What should I be doing?
What are you doing?
Tell me, how is the birthday
of our lord celebrated
in the warm and loving
balser household?
Answer the telephone.
Answer the goddamn phone.
Okay.
Hello.
No, I was taking a shower.
Because I felt like it.
That's why.
Will you get off that
stupid kick, for Christ's sake?
No, that's too early.
I thought I told you
to knock it off.
I'll be there
about eight o' clock.
It was agreed that you have
no damn right to be jealous.
I am not jealous.
- what?
I'm not jealous.
I just feel sick.
Why? You asked for it.
You begged for it. You ordered
me to answer the phone.
How come
it was plugged in today?
Afraid you'd miss that call?
Oh, Christ, here comes
the big agony scene.
I'm not even sure
you bought that chemise for me.
- Well, it fit you, didn't it?
- It could fit any number of...
Broads.
- oh, please.
What are you trying to prove?
That I'm a rat? A bastard?
You know that.
That's why you come here.
- It's what turns you on.
- Sometimes it turns me on.
Sometimes it makes me
wanna throw up.
Everything has its price.
I know.
I'm not sure I can pay it.
Well, can you or can't you?
If you can't, get off the pot.
You're trying to confuse things,
as I knew you would.
All this jazz about presents.
What the hell has presents
got to do with you and me?
Jesus, I must be out of my mind.
Anytime you show signs
of being human, I'll think
- you're out of your mind.
- I'm not human.
Sentimental.
We happen to have
a fantastic sex thing.
Sex is sex.
A lay is a lay is a lay.
You wanna get laid, you come
here and you get royally laid.
Isn't that enough?
No why the hell
do you have to dress it up
with a lot of schmultz
and trimmings?
If that's what you want,
go find yourself some nice
guilty type
of adulteress husband
in that select social
set you travel in.
They're past masters
at that sort of crap.
You don't need a woman.
You need a sex machine.
Well, it sure would save one
hell of a lot of trouble.
Merry Christmas!
Madame balser?
Beaumont service, madame.
Ah! Monsieur beaumont,
a pleasure to meet you at last.
I'm not monsieur beaumont.
I'm monsieur Henri.
Oh. How do you do, Henri?
What time does
monsieur beaumont arrive?
Monsieur beaumont does not
arrive, monsieur balser.
Please, is there somewhere my
people can change their clothes?
Doesn't arrive?
You mean, not come at all?
I'm afraid I don't understand.
Monsieur beaumont only appears
at those parties
where the, uh...
Necessary arrangements
have been made.
Well, I...
This should have
been made clear to me.
I wasn't told that one had
to make special arrangements
to have
monsieur beaumont appear.
Bloody upsetting.
- Does it really matter?
- Goddamn right it matters.
I'm paying enough for beaumont
to come here
and show his bloody face.
He could've told me.
You've got your
hell of a goddamn nerve.
Now how the hell are me and my
wife supposed to get in and out
- of our front door, huh?
- What's the trouble, Mr. Meyer?
Trouble? I said
you got your hell of a nerve
putting these lousy
coat racks in the hall.
I'm terribly sorry, but you see,
we're having a big party...
I don't care if you're having
the last supper.
These lousy coatracks
are blocking my front door.
How the hell are our friends
supposed to get into our house?
- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Meyer.
- I tell you something.
I wouldn't have come
over here and made this fuss,
if it wasn't for
that husband of yours.
If that husband of yours
hadn't rung my bell last week
and asked... no, no, no.
He told me to get a new doormat.
That husband of yours said
that my doormat is an eyesore.
That's exactly the word he used.
Eyesore!
Then he had the nerve to ask me
to take in my umbrella stand.
That is an imported
umbrella stand.
I mean, he's got
his goddamn nerve.
Just who the hell does he think
he is, that husband of yours?
Can't you wait
until the party begins?
The party has begun.
Mother, mother.
Why? What's the matter?
We went into the pantry and
there were platters of canapes
and we were going
to take one each
and a tall man said
if we touched anything,
he'd lock us in our rooms.
Well, I just better
straighten him out.
Tina, don't you dare
go in there.
Monsieur Henri is right.
These people are professionals.
These people are perfectionists.
If monsieur Henri doesn't want
you two girls under his feet,
spoiling all their hard work,
then you listen to him.
- Can't we just have one canape?
- Please?
That's up to monsieur Henri.
Why is it up to monsieur Henri?
Because he's in charge here.
He's in charge here?
This is our party.
My party!
My party! You haven't lifted
one finger for this party.
Monsieur Henri is
an employee in this house!
If I wanna serve
canapes to Lulu,
that's who he'll serve
canapes to.
You're mother's very funny,
isn't she, girls?
You heard her.
You heard what she said.
Your mother wants
to have a poodle party
instead of a people party.
Oh, mother, a poodle party!
You lousy bastard.
All right now. Come on.
You two go watch television.
Go on now. Hurry up. Hurry up.
Don't care what you say
in front of them, do you?
Making my own daughters
laugh at me?
As usual,
you've got everything twisted.
You let them see
that you find me ridiculous.
You encourage them
to find me ridiculous!
What have I got twisted?!
Oh, why do you have
to overreact to everything?
What have I got twisted?!
What has she got twisted,
old boy?
Peter. Joanie.
Reaching for these drinks.
Get me two j&b's, just
a touch of water and some lemon.
Okay? Thank you.
Oh, look. Don't run away.
I wanna talk to you.
Mark, how are you? Good
to see you. Merry Christmas.
What are you getting
for Christmas?
Beer please and a
double vodka and tonic.
Yes, yes. Absolutely.
Can you get that, please?
Seriously, I couldn't stand it.
Divine party, angel.
I see you're using
beaumont's people.
You should have called me.
I would have told you about
this other new person
who is simply marvelous.
Everybody in the world
used beaumont
in these last couple of years.
Those omelets of his
have had it.
That's what we're having.
Omelets.
Oh, dear,
I've said something wrong.
I just meant
that if you called me,
I could have
given you some advice.
I do have some advice
for you, angel.
About something else.
Do you remember in Shakespeare
what iago said to the moor?
Look to your wife.
Observe her well.
Only you must switch
the sexes around, Tina, dear.
Why, Charlotte...
I didn't know
that you'd done the classics.
I thought you
got into the movies
because you were
maddy Gordon's favorite hooker.
Rotten little bitch.
- - Henri shut down the big bar.
- I know.
It's much too early.
People wanna drink,
- - not think about food.
- I know.
Stop him.
Make him re-open the bar.
I've already asked him to.
He says he has
another party to do tonight
and if we want food at all,
it has to be now.
And if we don't want it,
we have to pay for it anyway.
Oh, god.
Oh, is the bar
shut down here, too?
Sit down, honey.
You with anyone?
We'll never get
a table at Elaine's.
I wanna go to Elaine's.
I think George'll be there.
How do you know
George will be there?
- George?
- I wanna dance.
Let's go somewhere
where we can get some chow
and then let's get some
place where we can dance.
I wanna know how you know where
George is having dinner tonight?
George who?
- why don't we have
a fast omelet here and then
go some place to dance?
I don't want
any crap omelet, that's why.
Let's go, everybody. Come on.
Come on, honey.
This place is dead.
Beaumont's people certainly
left this place in good shape
you gotta say that.
Beaumont's people certainly
left this place in good shape.
I mean, you can't even tell
there's been a party here.
Has there been a party here?
By the way, what the hell
did you say to Charlotte rady?
Saw the two of you talking,
the next thing I know,
she was charging
out the front door.
What makes you think
I had anything to do with it?
Maybe she was bored.
Maybe there weren't
enough celebrities.
Or maybe she just
needed another fix.
Well... on the whole, I think
everything went quite well.
Don't you?
How much did it cost?
What the hell difference
does it make how much it cost?
I'll be it cost over $1,000.
What the hell do you care? You
didn't have to lift a finger.
He shouldn't have started
those omelets so early.
But most people were damned
happy to see those omelets.
At quarter past nine,
there were 13 people here.
- I counted them.
- God, I might have known.
You always have to put
down everything.
You're not happy unless
you're giving something the axe.
Oh, where's my bird?
Where's my Alaskan point barrow
eskimo bird?
Stolen.
Stolen?
I saw a man
put it in his pocket.
Wh... well, why
the bloody hell didn't you
march right over there
and get it back?
He was one of your celebrities.
What's his name...
Who won the pulitzer prize.
You got a pimple on your ass.
I know.
You're getting too damn skinny.
I can see you ribs.
Please don't pick on me, George.
Why? What's the matter?
I don't know.
Well, it's the way you acted
when I came in today.
Why? How did I act?
- oh.
So casual, as if it hasn't been
almost three weeks
- since you've seen me.
- What did you expect?
Crescendo violin?
What's the matter?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Maybe it's because
I realized today...
That you never wanna know
a damn thing about me.
Do you know that you don't
even know the names of my girls?
You don't even give a goddamn
about anything about me.
Oh, Christ.
Cut out the waterworks,
will you?
Hurry up, love.
I don't mean to be brisk,
but you can't stay long today.
I'm not planning
on staying long.
Listen, uh, baby...
One of the reasons
I let you come here today
- was because I, um...
- let me come here today"?
Yes. I let you come in today.
One of the reasons was I...
Wanted to say
what I have to say in person.
You'd have gotten it all wrong
if I'd have said it
on the phone.
I decided we ought
to cool this for a while.
- You... you're tired of me.
- No, because I'm tired.
I had three hours
sleep last night
and I work like
a son of a bitch Clay and night.
When I work,
I work like a maniac.
I can't work like that
and do other things.
Contrary to what I like
to think, I'm not Superman.
- What do you mean by cool this?
- Let things ride for a while.
Say a few weeks and then...
When things let up,
I'll give you a call.
When what things let up?
Look, uh, I don't ask you
to account to me.
Is it something you're writing?
Please tell me.
Did you start something
over Christmas?
I know you don't talk
about your work,
but you can tell me
that much, can't you?
Or is it... screwing around
with some other broad
that's made you so puking tired.
Oh, whammy. Now we have got
a full dressed tantrum going on.
- You animal. I hate your guts.
- Oh, boy. The works.
How can I ever
let any part of me touch you?
Not what you were whimpering
a half hour ago.
Oh, you rotten,
sadistic son of a bitch.
In case you don't know it, baby,
that's exactly what you did.
That's what turns you on,
what makes our sex so fantastic.
You're goddamn right
I'm a sadist
and you're the perfect
willing victim.
Poor little housewife. You can't
take it straight, can you?
You want it all tied up
with hearts and flowers
and lyrics by hammerstein.
I warned you. I called you.
Didn't I?
Now, you listen to me. There
have always been other broads
and there always will be.
Broads and broads and broads.
What the hell has that got
to do with you, Mrs. America?
You're sick.
Sick.
You have to put on
this big, virile act...
- Because you're really a fag.
- Now, you listen girl.
You take these clothes
and you get dressed.
And you get the hell out
of my house in one minute flat
or you are gonna be
a basket case.
What's the matter?
Why are you up?
I'm having
some hot milk and honey.
My mother used to give it to me
when I was a kid...
When bad dreams woke me up.
Your mother?
Bad dreams?
Why can't you sleep, Jonathan?
I was wondering. What ever
happened to my red suspenders?
What red suspenders?
I was wearing them
the night we met.
What ever happened to them?
Oh, you must have thrown
them away a long time ago.
It was so hot at the Democratic
club and I took off my jacket
and you dug my red suspenders.
Remember, tine?
That speech you gave
was so good.
Yeah. Was it?
You were witty...
And charming...
And very sexy.
My new frontier type speech.
Oh, god, how I wanted to go
into politics in those days.
You remember
how fired up we were
about what was happening
in Washington?
We were so young and hopeful.
Sounds corny...
But we were idealistic.
Weren't we, tine?
And then...
Suddenly it was all over.
Just gone.
I used to wake up three o'clock
in the morning, crying.
Because it wasn't there anymore.
It's three o'clock
in the morning now.
What's wrong, Jonathan?
Just about everything
you can think of is wrong.
Tell me.
Do you really wanna know?
The... the vineyard in France
is a total loss.
No hope of salvaging a penny.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
Some, some, some kind of
plant disease. Root rot, uh...
Every vine is full of it.
- Did you invest a lot in it?
- A lot.
How much?
We're cleaned out.
I even sold our stock
and I'm in debt.
Well...
You'll just have to...
Cut down
and live a lot differently.
After all, you... you still have
a good income from the firm.
That's another thing. I...
I'm in trouble at the office.
It seems hodison has been
extremely displeased
with me recently and...
Today I tried for a motion
in a suit and lost.
He called me down
like a bloody office boy.
He said... he said I may...
I'd be looking for a new job
if I didn't get with it.
What else, Jonathan?
Um... I've been having
an affair.
Yes.
Yes. Did margo call you?
She threatened to.
I'll kill her if she did.
I knew it all along,
without really knowing.
I'm not cut out
for all that jazz.
All the lies.
All the arrangements.
And the guilt.
And...
Oh, I know
I've neglected you in...
In the hay.
I hate myself for it.
Tine...
I expected
a big scene over this.
Tears. Recriminations.
Oh, Tina,
you're being wonderful.
So patient and understanding.
Please don't.
Don't make me out to be...
Well, so noble.
You're a fine human being, Tina.
No, I'm not.
I'm just a human being.
Do you want a divorce, tine?
Or...
Do you think we could pick up
the pieces and...
Maybe work out a better
marriage than we ever had?
So, that's it.
That's where it's at.
Well, that's pretty dirty pool.
Your old man levels with you
and you don't open your mouth
about your boyfriend.
You leave the poor slob dragging
his guilt tail and you're just
- as guilty as he is.
- What obligation did she have,
to make that silly bastard
feel better?
I joined group with the
understanding I would get help
with my very real
and terrible life problems.
She has a husband, a lover,
and an eight-room apartment
on the park.
Why does she need help?
I don't understand her problem.
Your husband works hard
to support you.
In return for which he wants
the house clean,
the buttons sewn on,
and a modest amount
of sexual intercourse.
I mean, what's your problem?
You are nothing but
a spoilt middle class bitch.
Exactly like my ex-wife,
so I know where of I speak.
Wait till you hear
about some of the freaks.
She's doing it in group.
What about those two
sweet little girls?
Be sure
your lawyer gets the dog.
If your old man gets it,
he will leave it alone all day
and that is not good
for poodles.
- When a...
- Poodles are irrelevant.
Who the hell
cares about poodles?
All we got here
is a rotten state of affairs.
I want to build
a kiln in our garage.
I want to have Clay out there
and a Potter's wheel out there
and make pots.
"Oh, no." My husband says,
"no wife of the chairman of the
board of strasberg and stern
is going to make pots."
"Well, what's wrong
with pots?" I ask him.
"If you want pots, go out
and buy pots." He tells me.
Well, I don't want to buy pots.
I want to make pots.
Oh, my husband is a cannibal
who is devouring my life juices
just like your husband
is devouring your life juices.
Will you leave him? Leave him.
Stay with him
and count your blessings.
- Do good. Divorce him.
- Ah, shit. Split!
Get out. Get a lawyer.
- out!