Ditch Boys (2023) Movie Script
- Yeah.
I'll be there soon.
- Let's take a quick peak and see if it's bigger than mine!
Come in!
- Thanks for doing this for me.
- No problem.
Happy to help.
Yes, so beautiful and silky.
Is everything to your liking?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh shit.
I'm gonna need to take a shit now.
Oh god!
Fuckin, I've gotta take a shit so bad.
It's fuckin' brewing.
I've gotta drive over.
Holy shit!
Porta potty!
Richard, today is your lucky day!
No shitting in the woods for you!
Oh, there's my lucky day.
Beats a shit in the fuckin' woods.
God damn it.
Ugh, Taco Bell!
Oh, what the hell is a porta potty doing here anyway?
But I'm glad I found it, ah!
- What the fuck?
Hey, sorry I'm using your porta potty.
I'll be out in a god damn minute!
Just give me a minute.
I'll be out of your porta potty.
All right! All right!
Fine, fine, is that what you want?
That's what you want?
What!
That's right.
Run off, you fuckin' pussy.
Oh shit!
Get the fuck away from me, bitch ass!
- What's up, pussy lips?
- Who the fuck are you talking to?
I'm talking to you.
- What's good, bro?
- I'm just pre-gaming before the party.
I'm getting ripe.
- Yeah, me too.
This party's gonna be fucking awesome.
I've been ready since the last time.
- Dude, dude and Ashley's gonna be there, dude.
So I'm gonna get to smash it tonight.
- You ain't hit that shit yet, bro?
- Dude, I've been trying for months.
It just, it just hasn't happened.
But it was worth the wait.
I think I love her.
Come on, just whip it out.
I'm telling you.
- Yeah, I tried that once, but
it almost caught me a charge.
- I ain't telling you I know from experience,
just whip it out.
- Dude, I might have to if I don't get to clap them cheeks.
- Yo, the party's gonna be lit.
There's gonna be plenty of girls there.
Yeah, yeah, you know what we should do?
All of us link up at my house
and we'll drive the truck there.
- Cool, I'm cool with that.
All right, word, see ya later limp dick.
- Later.
- All right, peace.
I fucking love party day, woo!
Coming by, we'll send someone over.
216 okay.
2124 here, in East Cacalade,
we might need another vehicle.
Copy that, we have a neighbor calling.
8482, we're at Chicago avenue.
- Let's go!
- Fuck yeah, woo!
- Woo.
- I'm so ready for this.
- Hey Shawn, you're on speaker right now.
- Yo, where the fuck are you guys?
Don't tell me you pussies are bailing.
- Oh, man.
I wish we could come, but I'm super busy right now.
- Come on, bro, you can push a whole stash here.
- Yeah, I'll talk to Tom and see.
But we've got a lot going on right now.
- Well, at least stay light on the fucking trail.
What the fuck?
All right, peace.
- Ha.
Yo, are we going to a party?
- Get the premium stash.
- Fuck!
Wait out here.
I've got some business to conduct.
- Hurry up before I cut some bacon off that fat ass.
- Olivia, stop doing that.
You're fucking up my stash.
- Gotcha, ya little bitch!
- Oh, fuck you.
- Oh chill out, it was just a joke.
- You're a joke.
- You're a mistake.
- You're a whore!
- I'll get it.
- I hope your sister becomes a prostitute.
- Are you fucking with your little brother again?
- No, Tom this time.
- Oh, Tom's in here? Ha, ha.
Oh no.
- Stop, Phil what the fuck are you doing?
- Ah, stop resisting.
Stop resisting!
- I ain't doing shit!
Stop, Phil what are you doing?
Stop, Phil, what the fuck are you doing?
- Are you ready to die?
Huh, are you ready to die?
- Please don't shoot!
- Three, two, one.
Bang.
- Wow, you are a little bitch.
- So how are you kids doing?
- What's up, Uncle Phil?
- Not much.
I need a nickel bag or a couple of joints.
I'm still on duty, so, nothing too heavy.
Are you guys gonna need a ride after we get out of here?
- No, it's a camping thing, so.
- All right, well be careful.
There's a lot of you kids been disappearing
up in those mountains, so.
- Don't worry, Uncle Phil.
I'm going with them.
I've got an eye on them.
- Oh, fuck no! You're not invited.
- Shut up.
- Just leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
- Hm, put it on my account.
- What happened?
Are you all right?
- Yeah, I just had a little episode.
But I'm fine now.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower.
And then make dinner.
Do you like walking through the trees?
Yeah, I love the trees.
Yeah, how many trees are around here?
About 69.
There's more than 69 trees, here.
- But hey, bro, bro.
Are you sure we're going the right way?
- Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't know.
- I got something that can jog our memory.
Here, hold this.
- What's that?
- Ba-da!
Meth.
- Meth?
I don't know, man.
That's a pretty hardcore drug.
- Oh come on, bro.
One puff won't do shit.
Woo.
- Okay.
- Hey, Tom?
- What are you doing, Tom?
I have to smoke the rest.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
I mean, that's some strong shit
Lou.
If I can't smoke it,
who can?
- You're my hero.
- Uh, Tom.
Tom, I'm not feeling too good.
I don't know if it was a good idea
to smoke the rest of that batch.
Uh, I'm having a little freak out.
Are you experiencing the voices?
I can hear the devil.
I hear the devil, Tom.
I just want to get off this high.
- Lou! Lou!
Lou, Lou, Lou, listen.
We're gonna make it to that party.
- Are we gonna die?
Probably.
- What are you doing, Tom?
I'm smoking more meth
to level the vibes.
Can... can I have a hit?
- Shit!
- I'm never doing meth again.
Okay, that was a dumb idea.
And it was fun for like 20 minutes,
but I don't ever want to do it again.
- Bro, what did you put in this shit?
- I don't know, but it's making me hungry.
- Call jingle nuts and...
Where this place is.
- Are you okay?
Jesus.
- No, I just.
Hey.
I think I'm hallucinating.
- I didn't put that much shit in them.
- Yo!
Sexy momma, we must be close.
- I might need another one of these.
- No.
Look.
Look over there.
- Dude.
- Bullshit, I see her first.
- Yeah, but I'll talk to her first.
- Wait, wait, what?
- Hey, what's up?
- Going to the store.
There's a trail that goes behind the liquor store.
- I'm not crazy or anything.
I probably scared you, I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey, what's going on?
Did you know that he is cousins with Ted Bundy?
- I'm not, really.
I was just about to tell her though
that you were on that show, "My Strange Addiction"
for not being able to stop eating dick.
- Okay, I should go.
- Way to go, Lou.
- Can you tell us where the party is?
- I really should go.
- Any directions would be good.
- I seriously have to go.
- Hey, maybe we could follow her out of here.
- Yeah, we could all walk together.
- Run.
I said, run.
- Wow, I can really tell that you work out.
I'm just gonna...
Fuck.
Shut up.
Oh shit.
- Oh shit, we're gonna die, aren't we?
- No, we're not.
There's gotta be a way outta here.
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- Oh, good idea.
Maybe you have a weapon or something.
Really?
Jesus Christ.
- Shh.
Tom, shut the fuck up.
- Fuck!
Holy shit, I thought you were
that crazy ass monster bitch.
- Hurry up, man.
Throw a rope down or something.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call the cops.
Or throw a rope.
- Come on, hurry up!
I can't.
- What?
- I can't let you leave.
What are you talking about?
- You're gonna go back and tell everyone about my wife.
She's just...
She's just sick.
Whatever she did.
Oh, god.
It wasn't really her.
- That was your wife?
- Great.
We're gonna be killed by the Addams Family.
- No.
No, no, no. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you.
Um, uh...
I'm gonna come back
with food and water.
- Don't walk away.
Are you listening to me, asshole?
- Dude!
I gotta take a shit.
- You are the dumbest person I have ever met.
Chug! Chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
- Get it!
- Yeah!
- Woo!
- Yo, dude, your brother's gonna fucking kill you.
- Help me, there's a gorilla chasing me.
- Man, fuck him.
I hope he falls in a ditch, for all I care.
- Hi, did you see a banana around here?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Answer the fucking question.
Have you seen a banana?
That way!
- Thank you.
I'm gonna bash him if its the last thing I do.
- What a weird fucking party.
- Oh my god, I fucking know.
- Maybe we shouldn't have come.
- Exactly!
- Are you done yet?
- From rolling blunts to wiping ass.
Oh, momma always told me
a healthy butt is a happy butt.
- I hate so many things about you.
I really do.
I hate almost, like everything that you choose to be.
And this type of thing right here
is just a perfect example of you
not only being just one of the most selfish people
I've ever met, but also one of the stupidest.
Like, you say things and I'm like,
where the fuck did that even come from?
Every time you talk it's like a million little people
puking inside of my head.
Who make me wanna fucking explode
and now I'm trapped in a fucking hole with you!
- Oh man, this feels so good.
Hey Lou, eat my shit!
God, I gotta get out of this fucking hole.
Not my dick! No!
My dick, no!
My dick!
- Oh my god, Ashley, I think
your boobs are getting bigger.
- I wish Will was here to see this.
They're definitely getting bigger.
- Hi, honey.
- You're back.
- Yeah.
They didn't have the wine you like at the store,
but I made some iced tea.
Come in.
So, where did you go?
I just went out for a walk to give my eyes a rest.
- So, how are the trials going?
Are we any closer to a cure?
- The new batch failed,
but I'm still waiting on the others though.
- Have you tried altering my mitochondria
to start reproducing new RNA?
- Yeah.
- What about splicing strands of my DNA
that are associated with the alpha-X chromosome?
- Your DNA is mutating too quickly
too isolate a single chromosome.
Well...
How's dinner, honey?
- We'll find a cure.
I promise.
- Dude, I am so fucking cold right now.
- Well, I watched on the Survival Channel
that we can cuddle and it will preserve body heat.
- No, man, I don't wanna cuddle with you right now, okay?
- Oh come on, just let it happen.
- No, what?
- Just let it happen.
- What are you doing?
Put your shirt back on.
What are you doing?
Oh, the light just went out.
You don't have to imagine my face,
just imagine my body.
Why would I want to imagine your body?
I hate how warm this actually is.
Just imagine me with big tits and a vagina.
That's the last thing I
wanna think about right now.
All right.
Do you want me to fuck you or something?
Is that what you're trying to say?
No, no, no.
You took your shirt off
and you took a shit in this hole 30 minutes ago,
and I just don't wanna be here anymore, man.
I don't wanna be here.
I hate it.
I hate you and I hate this hole.
Ha, ha, ha.
And I hate that you made me smoke meth.
Doesn't it feel great?
I don't wanna be in this hole
with you anymore, dude!
Oh man, see, doesn't that feel great?
You smell so bad.
Oh man, I smell so good.
No.
No.
It's okay, Lou.
Just let it happen.
I just wanna get out of the hole.
- Oh shit, no!
No!
No, no, no, no!
- Yo, yo, you got food?
- And water?
- Uh, yeah.
- Oh shit, man.
It's the water.
What are you doing up there?
- Well, I figured since you might
be stuck here for awhile,
I might as well enjoy a meal with you.
It smells pretty good.
Yeah, it's all right.
You want a puff?
- Nah, I don't smoke.
- Everyone smokes, man.
- Honestly, I never even tried the stuff.
- Okay...
You need a lighter.
Hiya!
- What's this for?
Yo, you look stressed out, man.
Just take a whack.
- It has been a rough day.
One puff won't hurt.
It all happened three years ago.
It was a Tuesday afternoon.
I hired a lab assistant named Karen.
Shit, he's one of them.
Oh hell no.
Toss that shit back, you're cut off.
- I remember it like it was yesterday.
Day.
Day, day, day.
Are you having a stroke?
- In a sense, I'm a freelance scientist
who's looking to do the impossible.
- Impossible meaning?
- The fountain of youth.
- Like immortality?
- No, no, even a step further.
To bring back the dead.
Okay, you have the credentials
to work anywhere you want.
I mean, why are you here?
- I became a scientist because I wanted
to push the boundaries of human limitations.
In order to that, I need someone that is willing
to chase the impossible.
And your reputation precedes you, Victor.
Okay.
- Great.
- Sorry.
- Let's inject batch 13 into the bone.
Yeah.
I want you to administer the shot.
Without you, we wouldn't have come so far.
- No, I can't.
This is your project.
- No, no.
It's our mark on the world.
- It's working.
Are you seeing this?
- I can't believe it!
- Oh my god.
I'm so sorry.
I just...
Got caught up in all of the excitement.
- My boy's about to get some pussy!
- Oh, hell yeah. Ha, ha.
- Can I finish my story?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, continue.
- I knew you were gonna tap that.
- What I'm trying to say is that we fell in love.
But it didn't last long.
- Hey, Ashley.
- Oh hey, Karen, how's it going?
- Good, tired. Ha, ha, ha.
- Yeah, I bet. Where's Victor?
- I could not peel him away from his research today.
- Men, am I right?
Ha!
What can I get for you today?
- I want to get two chicken salads.
- Okay.
- And you don't have any scones?
- No, I'm sorry.
- I love those scones.
- I know, aren't they so good?
- Yeah.
- Ladies, can I get some tea?
- I can help you in just one second, sir.
- I'm really in a rush.
I just need some tea and I
gotta get the fuck outta here.
- Okay, I understand, just give me a second.
- It's okay.
- She said it's okay, can I get some tea?
- Yes.
- Shh, just be quiet.
This is a robbery.
I need all the money, fuck the tea.
- Come on, open the register.
Open the register.
- Sir, please don't hurt us.
- Look, faster, let's go!
Throw the money in the bag.
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Come on, hurry up!
- What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck!
- The bullet killed her.
I should have just let her go, but...
I just loved her too much.
This is all my fault.
- You can't blame yourself, man.
You can't cry about the past.
It's gone.
You can't worry about the future as it arrives.
Take the present in and just live life, bro.
- That may be the most profound thing you've ever said.
- Then I got the call.
The serum brought back the dead,
but it also brought back something...
Darker.
Shit, I lost track of time.
I'll be back later.
- Oh man.
Speaking of shit, man.
I gotta take a shit.
- No! Just wait!
You've taken five already.
God, I gotta get out of this fucking hole!
- It's diarrhea.
- Baby?
- Karen.
- What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Who hurt you?
- I did.
- Leave him alone.
- We're gonna kill him.
- No.
Not him.
Not Victor!
- You're going to kill him.
- Get out of my head.
Get out of my head!
You're not real.
- Die!
- Get out of my head.
Get out of my head.
- Karen.
Karen!
Karen!
Karen?
Karen, wait.
Karen!
- It smells like shit in here.
- That's because you shit in here.
- Well, dogs do it, so why can't I?
- Because you're not a fucking dog, Tom.
- That's not what my mom told me.
- Yeah.
You think we're gonna die in here?
- Yeah, probably.
- What's one thing you wanna do before you die?
Probably have like an orgy
with like every Miss America
from all over the states.
- Wow, that's bold.
- Yeah.
- I woulda thought you would have just said, like,
have sex for the first time.
You're really going for it.
- Yeah, orgy-porgy.
- Is that what they say?
- Yeah, that's what they say.
- Maybe try one girl first, you know?
- What if I don't like it with her, you know?
I have a bunch of girls.
And then I have a bunch of choices.
See which one I like the best.
- I'm just baffled you think you can convince
like 100 different women to have sex with you.
- Oh, I have my ways.
I have my ways.
- That was pretty fucking creepy, I'm not gonna lie.
- Yeah, I know.
I've been working on that.
- Yeah, take that fucking big cock.
- Fuck, I think I'm out of weed.
- Yeah, where the fuck is Tom and Lou?
- I don't know, but those stupid fucks
better get here soon.
- Yo, I didn't know Becca liked girls.
- See, even Becca's getting laid.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Whoa, calm down.
I was just playing, relax.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
Is that a dick?
- That's Will's dick.
- How the fuck do you know what Will's dick looks like?
- I don't know.
- What the fuck!
- Which one of these do I wanna move?
Okay, okay.
- Bro, I already told you.
That's not the bishop.
The dirty bandaid is.
- Jesus Christ, man.
Calm down, okay, it's fine.
Fuck your bishops.
- You son of a bitch.
Fuck your king.
- You just ate your own king.
- Yeah.
- Fair point.
That tastes pretty fucking good.
- Did it?
Fuck it.
Ha, ha.
- Man, fuck this phone.
How is there not one bar of service around here?
This is fucking ridiculous.
Come on.
- You hear that?
- Yeah, I think someone just fucking screamed.
Fucking stupid bitch.
- Karen!
Karen!
Karen!
- Yo, Nick.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Fuck you, get away from me.
You spilled my beer.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
She was behind me.
Shit.
- All right, calm down.
Take a second, all right?
- Holy fuck! - Oh my god.
- Damn it, bitch.
You want some of this, bitch.
You're going down, bitch.
- Damn it, it's not working.
What am I missing!
- I need you to promise me.
- I can't.
- I'm losing myself.
I can feel it trying to take over.
- I'm not gonna lose you.
- This is what I want.
I don't wanna hurt people anymore.
Please.
Please, just promise me
that if things go south and we can't save me
that you'll end this.
- Karen.
- Please.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no.
I promise.
- I love you.
- I promise.
- Everything in my life
has come to this exact
moment.
- Shut the fuck up.
- I shall never be silenced.
- I hate you.
- Keep going.
Keep going.
You almost got it.
- All right, all right.
I'm done.
I'm done with your stupid fucking movie voice.
There, it's a castle, yay!
- That looks more like a direct to DVD castle.
Oh! It's so pretty.
It's so pretty.
- Don't touch it.
- Why are you do mean to me?
- What the fuck, man!
- Go, get out of here before it's too late.
- Ugh, me first.
- I guess, ladies first.
- I'm not a lady.
Even though I kind of have good lady arms.
- Head east until you find the road.
- About time!
Tom, let's go.
- Victor knew!
Fighting this war alone was a suicide mission.
But if he could convince his once foes into allies...
He may have a shot.
- What the hell are you saying?
- Yeah, I don't know what you're saying, either, okay.
But you have to go, leave, save yourself.
Karen's dead.
I have to finish what I started.
Now it's just the monster that remains.
- We have to help him.
- No!
No, we fucking don't.
Fuck him. Fuck you.
Fuck that stupid-ass hole in the woods.
I'm ready to go!
Let's go, come on, man!
- Lou!
- What?
- Remember that time in the 7th grade
when a 12th grader showed us that big hole
inside the girl's locker room wall?
But a voice from the other side told you
to whisper that magical catch phrase.
Before you got to see the naked girls.
So, you whispered the catch phrase.
And a giant cock yoked you in the throat.
And it was so big that it got stuck.
- Yeah, and then I started doing drugs with you.
- Yeah, yeah, but before that.
Do you know what I did at that exact moment?
- Yeah, you ripped me off that thick ass dick.
You saved my life. You did it, I get it.
- Exactly!
And right now Victor has a giant dick!
In his mouth.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- You know what, you're right.
Cum breath here, he needs our help.
But you know what we need?
Some weapons.
- Yeah.
- Follow me.
- Okay, now we're talking.
- Boys, choose your weapon.
- Wow.
- What are you, Rambo?
- Ha.
This is sick.
Dibs.
- I want it.
I want it!
- No, I saw it first.
- Oh yeah, but I loved it first.
I want it!
- It's in my stomach, you can't get it.
- Who gives a shit?
- What?
Halfsies!
- Where are ya going?
Bitch!
- That's for show.
I only have one arrow for it.
- That's one more than I need.
- Ha!
So what's the plan?
- The hole.
We go back there.
- Cool.
- All right, Tom.
This is on you, man.
The fate of the world is in your hands.
Did you shave?
- Yeah, like five minutes ago.
- What?
When? Why?
- I was feeling depressed.
- What, no?
How? How'd you shave?
- I don't know.
I found a razor on the ground and I...
- Okay, it doesn't matter, I don't care.
Listen, this is all on you.
I don't know what I'm doing
and I've never used a gun before.
You ever use a bow and arrow?
- No.
- Okay, we are fucked.
We are so fucked.
- But Lou, at least we have each other.
- Right.
I'm gonna die over here.
- Karen!
Karen!
No more hiding.
Karen.
- Holy shit, there she is.
- Do it.
Take the shot.
- Karen we have to face this.
We have so much blood on our hands.
- You think you can kill me, Victor?
- No.
No, I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to save you.
- I'm not the one that needs saving now.
Ra!
- Blah.
- You stupid mother fuckers!
- Shit, the wind took it.
- What wind?
There's no wind.
- Fuck this.
- Fuck.
I think I'm out.
- We're so fucked.
- Who are you?
- We're the mother fucking Ditch Boys.
- Holy shit.
You killed her.
Cool!
She's dead.
Holy shit.
You fucking killed her, man.
That's crazy.
You just sniped her, dude, wow.
That was impressive.
I'm impressed.
I am impressed, Tom.
This is the first thing you've ever...
You've redeemed yourself.
I've never been this impressed before.
Oh my god, dude, she's dead!
How'd you do that?
I was like, bang, bang, bang.
I didn't hit her one time.
I didn't hit her once.
And you come in with the arrow and you're like, ba!
Ha, ha.
You are so damn cool.
Everything mean I've ever said about you, I retract.
I retract it right now.
You sniped her in the head.
You saved us all.
You little archer, you.
Did you go to archery camp?
Have you been holding that in, huh?
You little archer.
You little demon warrior.
You just, bing!
And she's just so dead.
She's in the hole now.
We were in the hole and now she's in the hole.
I love ya, Tom.
You know, I really, I hate you sometimes.
But right now, I love ya.
I could kiss you.
I could, but I won't.
Ha, ha, I won't!
I won't.
- Is she dead?
- I'm gonna have to bury her.
- Okay.
- It's okay, Victor.
- See ya later, bitch.
- There's other Karens in the sea.
- Who knows, maybe you'll get a trophy wife.
- Please shut the fuck up.
- I love you, Victor.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Adopt me.
Did I scare him?
- I don't know, man, who cares?
- Yup, she's definitely dead.
- You wanna grab a shovel?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yup, that's exactly what I meant.
- Yeah.
So, am I still a good archer?
- Yeah, whatever.
All right, the moment's over.
- Ditch Boys Incorporated.
Hold on a second.
Who the fuck are you?
- Are these the Ditch Boys?
- Ha, yeah.
Who's asking?
- Okay, okay.
Can we help you?
- Is this you?
- Yeah, that's our ad.
- Good.
I'm Gustavo Montoya.
- Hey, man.
- What's up?
- I'm from a branch of the
government you haven't heard of.
We need your help.
- With what?
- Whoa! What the fuck is that?
- Yeah man, what is that?
- The end of the world if you cannot help us.
I hope your balls are as huge as they say.
- They are.
- I've got balls of steel!
- I'm sorry about him.
- We'll look into it.
- Good.
- I gotta take a poop again.
- We're not in the hole anymore.
You can use a toilet this time.
- Yeah, but I kinda like the hole.
- Okay, go in the hole.
Why don't you go back in the hole
and then never come out?
How about that?
We'll do this one and you go in the hole
and we'll solve the crime.
- Nah, but then that wouldn't be fun.
Because you know, it's like the three amigos,
and then it would be the two amigos.
- But you like shitting in the hole.
- Please shut the fuck up.
- But like, two plus one equals three.
- That's...
Fine, that's true.
That is true.
- Yeah, yeah.
The three amigos.
It's like the three musketeers, am I right?
- Uh, fucking shit.
- You know, if you take like musketeer away,
it'd be like the two musketeers.
- Why did I hire you two?
- Yeah, you know what.
It's the three musketeers, right?
That's what the candy bar is.
- We'll think about it.
We should bring him inside.
- No, no, no!
- No. Why? Why not?
- No, no, no, no!
- He looks so cute, though.
Come on, look, can I touch him?
- Touch him.
- No! Jesus fucking Christ.
- Aw, I wanna touch him.
Come on.
I bet he's a little cuddly little creature.
- We could cook him.
- Yeah, we could cook him.
Be a nice little dinner.
- What would you call this?
Like an amphibian, a reptile?
- Bye, call us tomorrow.
- I'm not ready...
- Call us tomorrow.
- Ha, ha, sorry!
I can't, sorry.
Sorry.
- Tom, shut the fuck up!
- I'm sorry.
Fucking, all right, hold on.
- Karen, wait!
One more time.
Action.
- Karen!
Karen, wait!
Oh, you fucking bitch!
I'm still rolling.
All right, hold on.
Action.
- Sorry.
I didn't know where to look
because I was gonna look here.
Can I start over? Sorry.
- Head east until you find the road.
- It's about time.
Tom, let's go.
- Victor knew heading into
this war was a suicide mission.
But little did he know,
that he had foe or friend.
We'll be.
Cut.
- Fine.
- Okay.
Take small breaths.
All right, I'm rolling.
How close are you?
How close should I get?
- Get out of my shot, Mike.
- Fair enough.
- Action.
- Hurry up before I cut some bacon off your fat ass.
Hurry your fat ass up.
- Oh, I looked left on that one.
All right, I'm still rolling.
- Hurry up your donut eating ass.
Hurry your fat ass up.
- Fall on the ground.
Like, what do you do at that moment, like?
- Same time next week.
- That angle was so fucked up.
That was an extreme jerk.
- Okay, rolling.
- Ra!
- Cut, we got it.
Action.
- Fuck, man.
- Ah, the blood pump.
- Run.
- Oh, what?
- I said, run!
Cut.
- I looked right in the camera at the end.
- Ha, ha, ha!
- Tom.
But look, the world is our pussy.
- Can't you see.
- Tom, can't you see.
- Drugged out. - Yeah.
- Tom.
Tom.
I'm Tom.
I'm Lou. I'm Lou.
You're Tom.
Don't be Lou, together.
We can make it.
Are you ready?
- Where is she?
Where is she?
- I don't know.
Mother fuck.
- That's you.
Because you never fucking wipe, dude.
- You can't do shield and shoot at the same time.
Do you know how to play the game?
- I don't think you do.
- I don't think I do, either.
- Reload.
You don't know what I'm doing, do you?
- No.
- Yeah, reload.
Shield.
Shoot.
- Reload.
Shield. - Shield.
- Shoot. - Shoot.
- Okay, we both got it, ready?
- Reload.
No.
Reload.
Say it with me. You're, come on.
- Uh... - Are you deaf?
What's wrong?
I'll be there soon.
- Let's take a quick peak and see if it's bigger than mine!
Come in!
- Thanks for doing this for me.
- No problem.
Happy to help.
Yes, so beautiful and silky.
Is everything to your liking?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh shit.
I'm gonna need to take a shit now.
Oh god!
Fuckin, I've gotta take a shit so bad.
It's fuckin' brewing.
I've gotta drive over.
Holy shit!
Porta potty!
Richard, today is your lucky day!
No shitting in the woods for you!
Oh, there's my lucky day.
Beats a shit in the fuckin' woods.
God damn it.
Ugh, Taco Bell!
Oh, what the hell is a porta potty doing here anyway?
But I'm glad I found it, ah!
- What the fuck?
Hey, sorry I'm using your porta potty.
I'll be out in a god damn minute!
Just give me a minute.
I'll be out of your porta potty.
All right! All right!
Fine, fine, is that what you want?
That's what you want?
What!
That's right.
Run off, you fuckin' pussy.
Oh shit!
Get the fuck away from me, bitch ass!
- What's up, pussy lips?
- Who the fuck are you talking to?
I'm talking to you.
- What's good, bro?
- I'm just pre-gaming before the party.
I'm getting ripe.
- Yeah, me too.
This party's gonna be fucking awesome.
I've been ready since the last time.
- Dude, dude and Ashley's gonna be there, dude.
So I'm gonna get to smash it tonight.
- You ain't hit that shit yet, bro?
- Dude, I've been trying for months.
It just, it just hasn't happened.
But it was worth the wait.
I think I love her.
Come on, just whip it out.
I'm telling you.
- Yeah, I tried that once, but
it almost caught me a charge.
- I ain't telling you I know from experience,
just whip it out.
- Dude, I might have to if I don't get to clap them cheeks.
- Yo, the party's gonna be lit.
There's gonna be plenty of girls there.
Yeah, yeah, you know what we should do?
All of us link up at my house
and we'll drive the truck there.
- Cool, I'm cool with that.
All right, word, see ya later limp dick.
- Later.
- All right, peace.
I fucking love party day, woo!
Coming by, we'll send someone over.
216 okay.
2124 here, in East Cacalade,
we might need another vehicle.
Copy that, we have a neighbor calling.
8482, we're at Chicago avenue.
- Let's go!
- Fuck yeah, woo!
- Woo.
- I'm so ready for this.
- Hey Shawn, you're on speaker right now.
- Yo, where the fuck are you guys?
Don't tell me you pussies are bailing.
- Oh, man.
I wish we could come, but I'm super busy right now.
- Come on, bro, you can push a whole stash here.
- Yeah, I'll talk to Tom and see.
But we've got a lot going on right now.
- Well, at least stay light on the fucking trail.
What the fuck?
All right, peace.
- Ha.
Yo, are we going to a party?
- Get the premium stash.
- Fuck!
Wait out here.
I've got some business to conduct.
- Hurry up before I cut some bacon off that fat ass.
- Olivia, stop doing that.
You're fucking up my stash.
- Gotcha, ya little bitch!
- Oh, fuck you.
- Oh chill out, it was just a joke.
- You're a joke.
- You're a mistake.
- You're a whore!
- I'll get it.
- I hope your sister becomes a prostitute.
- Are you fucking with your little brother again?
- No, Tom this time.
- Oh, Tom's in here? Ha, ha.
Oh no.
- Stop, Phil what the fuck are you doing?
- Ah, stop resisting.
Stop resisting!
- I ain't doing shit!
Stop, Phil what are you doing?
Stop, Phil, what the fuck are you doing?
- Are you ready to die?
Huh, are you ready to die?
- Please don't shoot!
- Three, two, one.
Bang.
- Wow, you are a little bitch.
- So how are you kids doing?
- What's up, Uncle Phil?
- Not much.
I need a nickel bag or a couple of joints.
I'm still on duty, so, nothing too heavy.
Are you guys gonna need a ride after we get out of here?
- No, it's a camping thing, so.
- All right, well be careful.
There's a lot of you kids been disappearing
up in those mountains, so.
- Don't worry, Uncle Phil.
I'm going with them.
I've got an eye on them.
- Oh, fuck no! You're not invited.
- Shut up.
- Just leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
- Hm, put it on my account.
- What happened?
Are you all right?
- Yeah, I just had a little episode.
But I'm fine now.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower.
And then make dinner.
Do you like walking through the trees?
Yeah, I love the trees.
Yeah, how many trees are around here?
About 69.
There's more than 69 trees, here.
- But hey, bro, bro.
Are you sure we're going the right way?
- Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't know.
- I got something that can jog our memory.
Here, hold this.
- What's that?
- Ba-da!
Meth.
- Meth?
I don't know, man.
That's a pretty hardcore drug.
- Oh come on, bro.
One puff won't do shit.
Woo.
- Okay.
- Hey, Tom?
- What are you doing, Tom?
I have to smoke the rest.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
I mean, that's some strong shit
Lou.
If I can't smoke it,
who can?
- You're my hero.
- Uh, Tom.
Tom, I'm not feeling too good.
I don't know if it was a good idea
to smoke the rest of that batch.
Uh, I'm having a little freak out.
Are you experiencing the voices?
I can hear the devil.
I hear the devil, Tom.
I just want to get off this high.
- Lou! Lou!
Lou, Lou, Lou, listen.
We're gonna make it to that party.
- Are we gonna die?
Probably.
- What are you doing, Tom?
I'm smoking more meth
to level the vibes.
Can... can I have a hit?
- Shit!
- I'm never doing meth again.
Okay, that was a dumb idea.
And it was fun for like 20 minutes,
but I don't ever want to do it again.
- Bro, what did you put in this shit?
- I don't know, but it's making me hungry.
- Call jingle nuts and...
Where this place is.
- Are you okay?
Jesus.
- No, I just.
Hey.
I think I'm hallucinating.
- I didn't put that much shit in them.
- Yo!
Sexy momma, we must be close.
- I might need another one of these.
- No.
Look.
Look over there.
- Dude.
- Bullshit, I see her first.
- Yeah, but I'll talk to her first.
- Wait, wait, what?
- Hey, what's up?
- Going to the store.
There's a trail that goes behind the liquor store.
- I'm not crazy or anything.
I probably scared you, I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey, what's going on?
Did you know that he is cousins with Ted Bundy?
- I'm not, really.
I was just about to tell her though
that you were on that show, "My Strange Addiction"
for not being able to stop eating dick.
- Okay, I should go.
- Way to go, Lou.
- Can you tell us where the party is?
- I really should go.
- Any directions would be good.
- I seriously have to go.
- Hey, maybe we could follow her out of here.
- Yeah, we could all walk together.
- Run.
I said, run.
- Wow, I can really tell that you work out.
I'm just gonna...
Fuck.
Shut up.
Oh shit.
- Oh shit, we're gonna die, aren't we?
- No, we're not.
There's gotta be a way outta here.
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- Oh, good idea.
Maybe you have a weapon or something.
Really?
Jesus Christ.
- Shh.
Tom, shut the fuck up.
- Fuck!
Holy shit, I thought you were
that crazy ass monster bitch.
- Hurry up, man.
Throw a rope down or something.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call the cops.
Or throw a rope.
- Come on, hurry up!
I can't.
- What?
- I can't let you leave.
What are you talking about?
- You're gonna go back and tell everyone about my wife.
She's just...
She's just sick.
Whatever she did.
Oh, god.
It wasn't really her.
- That was your wife?
- Great.
We're gonna be killed by the Addams Family.
- No.
No, no, no. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you.
Um, uh...
I'm gonna come back
with food and water.
- Don't walk away.
Are you listening to me, asshole?
- Dude!
I gotta take a shit.
- You are the dumbest person I have ever met.
Chug! Chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
- Get it!
- Yeah!
- Woo!
- Yo, dude, your brother's gonna fucking kill you.
- Help me, there's a gorilla chasing me.
- Man, fuck him.
I hope he falls in a ditch, for all I care.
- Hi, did you see a banana around here?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Answer the fucking question.
Have you seen a banana?
That way!
- Thank you.
I'm gonna bash him if its the last thing I do.
- What a weird fucking party.
- Oh my god, I fucking know.
- Maybe we shouldn't have come.
- Exactly!
- Are you done yet?
- From rolling blunts to wiping ass.
Oh, momma always told me
a healthy butt is a happy butt.
- I hate so many things about you.
I really do.
I hate almost, like everything that you choose to be.
And this type of thing right here
is just a perfect example of you
not only being just one of the most selfish people
I've ever met, but also one of the stupidest.
Like, you say things and I'm like,
where the fuck did that even come from?
Every time you talk it's like a million little people
puking inside of my head.
Who make me wanna fucking explode
and now I'm trapped in a fucking hole with you!
- Oh man, this feels so good.
Hey Lou, eat my shit!
God, I gotta get out of this fucking hole.
Not my dick! No!
My dick, no!
My dick!
- Oh my god, Ashley, I think
your boobs are getting bigger.
- I wish Will was here to see this.
They're definitely getting bigger.
- Hi, honey.
- You're back.
- Yeah.
They didn't have the wine you like at the store,
but I made some iced tea.
Come in.
So, where did you go?
I just went out for a walk to give my eyes a rest.
- So, how are the trials going?
Are we any closer to a cure?
- The new batch failed,
but I'm still waiting on the others though.
- Have you tried altering my mitochondria
to start reproducing new RNA?
- Yeah.
- What about splicing strands of my DNA
that are associated with the alpha-X chromosome?
- Your DNA is mutating too quickly
too isolate a single chromosome.
Well...
How's dinner, honey?
- We'll find a cure.
I promise.
- Dude, I am so fucking cold right now.
- Well, I watched on the Survival Channel
that we can cuddle and it will preserve body heat.
- No, man, I don't wanna cuddle with you right now, okay?
- Oh come on, just let it happen.
- No, what?
- Just let it happen.
- What are you doing?
Put your shirt back on.
What are you doing?
Oh, the light just went out.
You don't have to imagine my face,
just imagine my body.
Why would I want to imagine your body?
I hate how warm this actually is.
Just imagine me with big tits and a vagina.
That's the last thing I
wanna think about right now.
All right.
Do you want me to fuck you or something?
Is that what you're trying to say?
No, no, no.
You took your shirt off
and you took a shit in this hole 30 minutes ago,
and I just don't wanna be here anymore, man.
I don't wanna be here.
I hate it.
I hate you and I hate this hole.
Ha, ha, ha.
And I hate that you made me smoke meth.
Doesn't it feel great?
I don't wanna be in this hole
with you anymore, dude!
Oh man, see, doesn't that feel great?
You smell so bad.
Oh man, I smell so good.
No.
No.
It's okay, Lou.
Just let it happen.
I just wanna get out of the hole.
- Oh shit, no!
No!
No, no, no, no!
- Yo, yo, you got food?
- And water?
- Uh, yeah.
- Oh shit, man.
It's the water.
What are you doing up there?
- Well, I figured since you might
be stuck here for awhile,
I might as well enjoy a meal with you.
It smells pretty good.
Yeah, it's all right.
You want a puff?
- Nah, I don't smoke.
- Everyone smokes, man.
- Honestly, I never even tried the stuff.
- Okay...
You need a lighter.
Hiya!
- What's this for?
Yo, you look stressed out, man.
Just take a whack.
- It has been a rough day.
One puff won't hurt.
It all happened three years ago.
It was a Tuesday afternoon.
I hired a lab assistant named Karen.
Shit, he's one of them.
Oh hell no.
Toss that shit back, you're cut off.
- I remember it like it was yesterday.
Day.
Day, day, day.
Are you having a stroke?
- In a sense, I'm a freelance scientist
who's looking to do the impossible.
- Impossible meaning?
- The fountain of youth.
- Like immortality?
- No, no, even a step further.
To bring back the dead.
Okay, you have the credentials
to work anywhere you want.
I mean, why are you here?
- I became a scientist because I wanted
to push the boundaries of human limitations.
In order to that, I need someone that is willing
to chase the impossible.
And your reputation precedes you, Victor.
Okay.
- Great.
- Sorry.
- Let's inject batch 13 into the bone.
Yeah.
I want you to administer the shot.
Without you, we wouldn't have come so far.
- No, I can't.
This is your project.
- No, no.
It's our mark on the world.
- It's working.
Are you seeing this?
- I can't believe it!
- Oh my god.
I'm so sorry.
I just...
Got caught up in all of the excitement.
- My boy's about to get some pussy!
- Oh, hell yeah. Ha, ha.
- Can I finish my story?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, continue.
- I knew you were gonna tap that.
- What I'm trying to say is that we fell in love.
But it didn't last long.
- Hey, Ashley.
- Oh hey, Karen, how's it going?
- Good, tired. Ha, ha, ha.
- Yeah, I bet. Where's Victor?
- I could not peel him away from his research today.
- Men, am I right?
Ha!
What can I get for you today?
- I want to get two chicken salads.
- Okay.
- And you don't have any scones?
- No, I'm sorry.
- I love those scones.
- I know, aren't they so good?
- Yeah.
- Ladies, can I get some tea?
- I can help you in just one second, sir.
- I'm really in a rush.
I just need some tea and I
gotta get the fuck outta here.
- Okay, I understand, just give me a second.
- It's okay.
- She said it's okay, can I get some tea?
- Yes.
- Shh, just be quiet.
This is a robbery.
I need all the money, fuck the tea.
- Come on, open the register.
Open the register.
- Sir, please don't hurt us.
- Look, faster, let's go!
Throw the money in the bag.
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Come on, hurry up!
- What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck!
- The bullet killed her.
I should have just let her go, but...
I just loved her too much.
This is all my fault.
- You can't blame yourself, man.
You can't cry about the past.
It's gone.
You can't worry about the future as it arrives.
Take the present in and just live life, bro.
- That may be the most profound thing you've ever said.
- Then I got the call.
The serum brought back the dead,
but it also brought back something...
Darker.
Shit, I lost track of time.
I'll be back later.
- Oh man.
Speaking of shit, man.
I gotta take a shit.
- No! Just wait!
You've taken five already.
God, I gotta get out of this fucking hole!
- It's diarrhea.
- Baby?
- Karen.
- What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Who hurt you?
- I did.
- Leave him alone.
- We're gonna kill him.
- No.
Not him.
Not Victor!
- You're going to kill him.
- Get out of my head.
Get out of my head!
You're not real.
- Die!
- Get out of my head.
Get out of my head.
- Karen.
Karen!
Karen!
Karen?
Karen, wait.
Karen!
- It smells like shit in here.
- That's because you shit in here.
- Well, dogs do it, so why can't I?
- Because you're not a fucking dog, Tom.
- That's not what my mom told me.
- Yeah.
You think we're gonna die in here?
- Yeah, probably.
- What's one thing you wanna do before you die?
Probably have like an orgy
with like every Miss America
from all over the states.
- Wow, that's bold.
- Yeah.
- I woulda thought you would have just said, like,
have sex for the first time.
You're really going for it.
- Yeah, orgy-porgy.
- Is that what they say?
- Yeah, that's what they say.
- Maybe try one girl first, you know?
- What if I don't like it with her, you know?
I have a bunch of girls.
And then I have a bunch of choices.
See which one I like the best.
- I'm just baffled you think you can convince
like 100 different women to have sex with you.
- Oh, I have my ways.
I have my ways.
- That was pretty fucking creepy, I'm not gonna lie.
- Yeah, I know.
I've been working on that.
- Yeah, take that fucking big cock.
- Fuck, I think I'm out of weed.
- Yeah, where the fuck is Tom and Lou?
- I don't know, but those stupid fucks
better get here soon.
- Yo, I didn't know Becca liked girls.
- See, even Becca's getting laid.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Whoa, calm down.
I was just playing, relax.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
Is that a dick?
- That's Will's dick.
- How the fuck do you know what Will's dick looks like?
- I don't know.
- What the fuck!
- Which one of these do I wanna move?
Okay, okay.
- Bro, I already told you.
That's not the bishop.
The dirty bandaid is.
- Jesus Christ, man.
Calm down, okay, it's fine.
Fuck your bishops.
- You son of a bitch.
Fuck your king.
- You just ate your own king.
- Yeah.
- Fair point.
That tastes pretty fucking good.
- Did it?
Fuck it.
Ha, ha.
- Man, fuck this phone.
How is there not one bar of service around here?
This is fucking ridiculous.
Come on.
- You hear that?
- Yeah, I think someone just fucking screamed.
Fucking stupid bitch.
- Karen!
Karen!
Karen!
- Yo, Nick.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Fuck you, get away from me.
You spilled my beer.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
She was behind me.
Shit.
- All right, calm down.
Take a second, all right?
- Holy fuck! - Oh my god.
- Damn it, bitch.
You want some of this, bitch.
You're going down, bitch.
- Damn it, it's not working.
What am I missing!
- I need you to promise me.
- I can't.
- I'm losing myself.
I can feel it trying to take over.
- I'm not gonna lose you.
- This is what I want.
I don't wanna hurt people anymore.
Please.
Please, just promise me
that if things go south and we can't save me
that you'll end this.
- Karen.
- Please.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no.
I promise.
- I love you.
- I promise.
- Everything in my life
has come to this exact
moment.
- Shut the fuck up.
- I shall never be silenced.
- I hate you.
- Keep going.
Keep going.
You almost got it.
- All right, all right.
I'm done.
I'm done with your stupid fucking movie voice.
There, it's a castle, yay!
- That looks more like a direct to DVD castle.
Oh! It's so pretty.
It's so pretty.
- Don't touch it.
- Why are you do mean to me?
- What the fuck, man!
- Go, get out of here before it's too late.
- Ugh, me first.
- I guess, ladies first.
- I'm not a lady.
Even though I kind of have good lady arms.
- Head east until you find the road.
- About time!
Tom, let's go.
- Victor knew!
Fighting this war alone was a suicide mission.
But if he could convince his once foes into allies...
He may have a shot.
- What the hell are you saying?
- Yeah, I don't know what you're saying, either, okay.
But you have to go, leave, save yourself.
Karen's dead.
I have to finish what I started.
Now it's just the monster that remains.
- We have to help him.
- No!
No, we fucking don't.
Fuck him. Fuck you.
Fuck that stupid-ass hole in the woods.
I'm ready to go!
Let's go, come on, man!
- Lou!
- What?
- Remember that time in the 7th grade
when a 12th grader showed us that big hole
inside the girl's locker room wall?
But a voice from the other side told you
to whisper that magical catch phrase.
Before you got to see the naked girls.
So, you whispered the catch phrase.
And a giant cock yoked you in the throat.
And it was so big that it got stuck.
- Yeah, and then I started doing drugs with you.
- Yeah, yeah, but before that.
Do you know what I did at that exact moment?
- Yeah, you ripped me off that thick ass dick.
You saved my life. You did it, I get it.
- Exactly!
And right now Victor has a giant dick!
In his mouth.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- You know what, you're right.
Cum breath here, he needs our help.
But you know what we need?
Some weapons.
- Yeah.
- Follow me.
- Okay, now we're talking.
- Boys, choose your weapon.
- Wow.
- What are you, Rambo?
- Ha.
This is sick.
Dibs.
- I want it.
I want it!
- No, I saw it first.
- Oh yeah, but I loved it first.
I want it!
- It's in my stomach, you can't get it.
- Who gives a shit?
- What?
Halfsies!
- Where are ya going?
Bitch!
- That's for show.
I only have one arrow for it.
- That's one more than I need.
- Ha!
So what's the plan?
- The hole.
We go back there.
- Cool.
- All right, Tom.
This is on you, man.
The fate of the world is in your hands.
Did you shave?
- Yeah, like five minutes ago.
- What?
When? Why?
- I was feeling depressed.
- What, no?
How? How'd you shave?
- I don't know.
I found a razor on the ground and I...
- Okay, it doesn't matter, I don't care.
Listen, this is all on you.
I don't know what I'm doing
and I've never used a gun before.
You ever use a bow and arrow?
- No.
- Okay, we are fucked.
We are so fucked.
- But Lou, at least we have each other.
- Right.
I'm gonna die over here.
- Karen!
Karen!
No more hiding.
Karen.
- Holy shit, there she is.
- Do it.
Take the shot.
- Karen we have to face this.
We have so much blood on our hands.
- You think you can kill me, Victor?
- No.
No, I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to save you.
- I'm not the one that needs saving now.
Ra!
- Blah.
- You stupid mother fuckers!
- Shit, the wind took it.
- What wind?
There's no wind.
- Fuck this.
- Fuck.
I think I'm out.
- We're so fucked.
- Who are you?
- We're the mother fucking Ditch Boys.
- Holy shit.
You killed her.
Cool!
She's dead.
Holy shit.
You fucking killed her, man.
That's crazy.
You just sniped her, dude, wow.
That was impressive.
I'm impressed.
I am impressed, Tom.
This is the first thing you've ever...
You've redeemed yourself.
I've never been this impressed before.
Oh my god, dude, she's dead!
How'd you do that?
I was like, bang, bang, bang.
I didn't hit her one time.
I didn't hit her once.
And you come in with the arrow and you're like, ba!
Ha, ha.
You are so damn cool.
Everything mean I've ever said about you, I retract.
I retract it right now.
You sniped her in the head.
You saved us all.
You little archer, you.
Did you go to archery camp?
Have you been holding that in, huh?
You little archer.
You little demon warrior.
You just, bing!
And she's just so dead.
She's in the hole now.
We were in the hole and now she's in the hole.
I love ya, Tom.
You know, I really, I hate you sometimes.
But right now, I love ya.
I could kiss you.
I could, but I won't.
Ha, ha, I won't!
I won't.
- Is she dead?
- I'm gonna have to bury her.
- Okay.
- It's okay, Victor.
- See ya later, bitch.
- There's other Karens in the sea.
- Who knows, maybe you'll get a trophy wife.
- Please shut the fuck up.
- I love you, Victor.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Adopt me.
Did I scare him?
- I don't know, man, who cares?
- Yup, she's definitely dead.
- You wanna grab a shovel?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yup, that's exactly what I meant.
- Yeah.
So, am I still a good archer?
- Yeah, whatever.
All right, the moment's over.
- Ditch Boys Incorporated.
Hold on a second.
Who the fuck are you?
- Are these the Ditch Boys?
- Ha, yeah.
Who's asking?
- Okay, okay.
Can we help you?
- Is this you?
- Yeah, that's our ad.
- Good.
I'm Gustavo Montoya.
- Hey, man.
- What's up?
- I'm from a branch of the
government you haven't heard of.
We need your help.
- With what?
- Whoa! What the fuck is that?
- Yeah man, what is that?
- The end of the world if you cannot help us.
I hope your balls are as huge as they say.
- They are.
- I've got balls of steel!
- I'm sorry about him.
- We'll look into it.
- Good.
- I gotta take a poop again.
- We're not in the hole anymore.
You can use a toilet this time.
- Yeah, but I kinda like the hole.
- Okay, go in the hole.
Why don't you go back in the hole
and then never come out?
How about that?
We'll do this one and you go in the hole
and we'll solve the crime.
- Nah, but then that wouldn't be fun.
Because you know, it's like the three amigos,
and then it would be the two amigos.
- But you like shitting in the hole.
- Please shut the fuck up.
- But like, two plus one equals three.
- That's...
Fine, that's true.
That is true.
- Yeah, yeah.
The three amigos.
It's like the three musketeers, am I right?
- Uh, fucking shit.
- You know, if you take like musketeer away,
it'd be like the two musketeers.
- Why did I hire you two?
- Yeah, you know what.
It's the three musketeers, right?
That's what the candy bar is.
- We'll think about it.
We should bring him inside.
- No, no, no!
- No. Why? Why not?
- No, no, no, no!
- He looks so cute, though.
Come on, look, can I touch him?
- Touch him.
- No! Jesus fucking Christ.
- Aw, I wanna touch him.
Come on.
I bet he's a little cuddly little creature.
- We could cook him.
- Yeah, we could cook him.
Be a nice little dinner.
- What would you call this?
Like an amphibian, a reptile?
- Bye, call us tomorrow.
- I'm not ready...
- Call us tomorrow.
- Ha, ha, sorry!
I can't, sorry.
Sorry.
- Tom, shut the fuck up!
- I'm sorry.
Fucking, all right, hold on.
- Karen, wait!
One more time.
Action.
- Karen!
Karen, wait!
Oh, you fucking bitch!
I'm still rolling.
All right, hold on.
Action.
- Sorry.
I didn't know where to look
because I was gonna look here.
Can I start over? Sorry.
- Head east until you find the road.
- It's about time.
Tom, let's go.
- Victor knew heading into
this war was a suicide mission.
But little did he know,
that he had foe or friend.
We'll be.
Cut.
- Fine.
- Okay.
Take small breaths.
All right, I'm rolling.
How close are you?
How close should I get?
- Get out of my shot, Mike.
- Fair enough.
- Action.
- Hurry up before I cut some bacon off your fat ass.
Hurry your fat ass up.
- Oh, I looked left on that one.
All right, I'm still rolling.
- Hurry up your donut eating ass.
Hurry your fat ass up.
- Fall on the ground.
Like, what do you do at that moment, like?
- Same time next week.
- That angle was so fucked up.
That was an extreme jerk.
- Okay, rolling.
- Ra!
- Cut, we got it.
Action.
- Fuck, man.
- Ah, the blood pump.
- Run.
- Oh, what?
- I said, run!
Cut.
- I looked right in the camera at the end.
- Ha, ha, ha!
- Tom.
But look, the world is our pussy.
- Can't you see.
- Tom, can't you see.
- Drugged out. - Yeah.
- Tom.
Tom.
I'm Tom.
I'm Lou. I'm Lou.
You're Tom.
Don't be Lou, together.
We can make it.
Are you ready?
- Where is she?
Where is she?
- I don't know.
Mother fuck.
- That's you.
Because you never fucking wipe, dude.
- You can't do shield and shoot at the same time.
Do you know how to play the game?
- I don't think you do.
- I don't think I do, either.
- Reload.
You don't know what I'm doing, do you?
- No.
- Yeah, reload.
Shield.
Shoot.
- Reload.
Shield. - Shield.
- Shoot. - Shoot.
- Okay, we both got it, ready?
- Reload.
No.
Reload.
Say it with me. You're, come on.
- Uh... - Are you deaf?
What's wrong?