Don't Feed the Gulls (2023) Movie Script
1
- Uh.
Ugh.
- Motherballs!
- Keep it together, Cole.
- This is too much.
- The foreman's ready for another shipment.
- The sooner we get out of here, the better.
These rats are relentless.
There's gotta be a better way of doing this.
- Better, yes.
Cheaper...
No.
Come on.
- Hold it right there, you two.
- Looks like it's gonna be a small load tonight.
- Oh, wonderful.
Is it safe?
- Safe enough.
- Oh, that's reassuring.
- It would be easier to load this in the daytime.
- Yeah.
- We can move it any time.
Ugh, stuff gets hard to find when it's this much.
It's safe enough.
- Where's my other glove?
How am I supposed to handle this with one glove?
Hey, Mike.
- What's up?
- Does it ever bother you?
- Shipments?
- Yeah.
- They kind of stink, but you know.
- No, seriously?
- Little bit.
- How do you handle it?
- I just look at my paycheck.
I've almost got enough saved up.
I'm gonna take Joan and the kids.
I'm thinking of moving further upstate.
Make the summer home our permanent home.
- Ah, the American dream.
- Warm sand, cold beer.
Outta here.
What about you?
- I might have met somebody.
- Oh, no shit.
- Yeah.
- First I'm hearing about it?
- Uh, yeah.
- That's all right, yeah.
- Oh, we'll see what happens.
- Hm, well good for you.
I hope it works out.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's just get tonight done,
done and over with and behind us.
- Yeah.
We got a few more of these, but-
- Oh God.
Listen, we're gonna be able
to forget about this someday.
And that day is not that far away.
- Oh God, I hope so.
Geez!
What the hell?
- Hold on.
It felt like it shifted.
I'm gonna check the shipment.
I thought I felt something move.
- Well, just be careful.
I don't wanna have to explain anything to Joan.
- I really should have gotten my gloves.
- Mike, is everything okay?
- The station with the best,
the best, the best music.
- I love the music. - Best music.
- Hey, Dale, it's Brooke.
Uh, storefront's empty and the back storage is locked.
So maybe when you come in, you could bring some keys?
And how about some food for the customers?
Thanks.
Carmen is gonna freak.
- Hello, hello-
Hello, hello.
Hello.
Come on, hey, sweetie, hello.
Kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy.
Yeah, you keep smiling.
Only bad news comes in an envelope.
I know, Reginald - stupid kids.
World's going to hell in a hand basket.
Yeah, that's right.
You can get rid of the evidence
before your mama comes home.
- Sarah.
- What?
- Did you take out the trash?
- Yes.
- Did you empty the dishwasher?
- That's your job, Claire.
I'm not your Cinderella.
- Get up, will you?
Mom wants this place clean
before Auntie Ashlynn gets here.
- Auntie Ash is coming today?
- Yes.
- Yes! Shopping.
- She's just coming to get her engagement photos taken.
- Where?
- On the pier.
- Yes! Shopping!
- Again?
You have got to be kidding me.
- Wish I was.
Called Dale, left him a message.
- So we're just left here soda jerking all day?
- We also have chips.
- I am way too hungover for this.
- I hear you.
Vacation crowd coming in.
Storage is locked.
And we have no food.
- No fish for the "tour-ons."
- This is stupid.
- Did you know that this was also happening
at the Lobster House too?
- What?
- Mm-hmm, Julie told me
that they're actually making four times the profits
than what the manager is recording.
- How is that possible?
- What?
- Cody, where are you?
- Wait, Donnie, where are you?
- I'm at Miller Pond.
- Damn, I forgot.
- This is your community service project.
- I know, I know, it's-
- Oh, by the way, Haley is here.
- Oh, all right.
I'll be right there then.
- Haley?
- Geez, you scared the shit out of me.
- Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
- It's just a way to get him down here.
Besides, she could be working here today anyway.
Or you could just call her?
- I'll just go get her.
It'll be faster that way.
- Can I get a fish and chips, please?
- Does it look like we have fish and chips?
- Well, yeah.
This is Dale's Fish & Chipwreck.
- Well, today, we're Fountain Drink Funland.
- We don't have power for the ice or fountain,
but we do have cans.
- All right, could I get a Cola?
- Sure.
That'll be three bucks.
- You know, they're cheaper in the machine
down the way there.
- Well, why don't you just go somewhere else
and feed corporate America
by killing small American businesses?
- It's warm.
You guys know where the nearest comic book store is?
- How is Dale staying in business?
- Maybe it's the charming customer service
of his workers.
- Where is he?
- I heard he has an investment deal in the works.
- Like the frozen espresso machine?
- Or the fries slicer,
the cheese fries slicer.
Oh my God.
- Oh geez. What's next?
- Ahoy, ahoy, Dale here.
- Dale, where are you?
- Oh, I'm out taking care of some business.
- The storage is locked.
- Where are you?
- I'm at the Shack.
Where are you?
- The Shack?
- No you're not.
- It's Monday?
- Yes, it's Monday.
Why is the storage locked?
- It's busted.
I'll call a locksmith, and I'll take care of it later.
- Do you want me to call?
- Just shut it down.
- But-
- Just go to the beach.
I'll comp you.
Have a good time.
Live a little.
- Fine.
- Good night.
- We're closed, but we're comped.
- Mm.
So does that mean that you wanna go pound
a couple of beers at the Riptide with me?
- Carmen, I've been awake a half hour.
- Oh, but you know that in my world it's always happy hour.
- I think I'm gonna hang around here.
I don't want to be out on the town this week.
- Why not?
- Ashlynn's back.
- What is she doing back in town?
- Parading around her finger rock.
- No way.
- Way.
You know, she texted me.
She wants to have her engagement
photos down by the water.
- She didn't even bother to call you?
- My phone never rang.
Though, I didn't have it turned up.
- Ah.
- I know it's petty, I know it's stupid,
but my life is at a standstill
and I can't stand to watch
someone else's magic carpet ride right now.
- No judgment here.
You always have me.
- I also have Ben and Jerry's back at home.
- Well, call me if you need anything.
I won't call you.
I'll be busy hanging with Bud and Weiser.
- Hey Chris, it's Ashlynn.
I wanted to let you guys know
that I'll be at the Riptide after my shoot.
So let me know if you hear from Tony, okay?
Love you, bye.
- Beautiful, beautiful, there you go.
Moving it,
in the air, yes.
All right, hold on, hold on.
All right, excellent.
Absolutely luscious.
Come on now.
Like I said, I want the water
coming up to your waistline.
I really wanna show off those hips, baby.
All right, there it is.
Motherfucker, this brand new camera.
I'm never gonna get used to this.
I hope this isn't deterring you from-apologies.
Um, why don't you move your hair just a little bit?
Play with me too, not just the camera, honey, come on.
Let's get one with your hands up too,
holding your hair.
Hold on, hold on, one fucking second.
It's nonstop with this woman.
Turning that off.
Let's get back to you, honey,
100% about you today.
Let's do it.
Absolutely stunning.
- Hey, Kim, it's Ashlynn.
I'm in town to get my wedding photos done, of course.
A bunch of us
are gonna meet up at Sandy's Riptide afterwards,
so join us if you want to.
Love you, bye.
Hey, Brooke, it's Ashlynn.
I don't know if you got my message last time.
I'm in town again
and a bunch of us
are gonna meet up at the Riptide after my shoot.
Maybe we can meet up at The Shack.
Okay? Call me.
- Very nice.
Oh my God, the tits on this one.
Babe
Can't wait to get back to that
place and take care of these.
Babe
This one here, this is a keeper.
Babe
Babe
Hold tight
Babe
I can't enjoy anything.
What a fucking surprise, another model flaking.
Never easy with these ones.
- I hate Mondays.
Come on, get outta there.
Ugh.
Hot toes...
Hot toes.
Whatever.
- They slapped the mule across
the ass and made a road wherever it ran.
Hello?
- Hi Brett, how are you?
- Oh, hey, Ashlynn, uh good.
What's up?
- Where are you?
- I think I am about an hour and a half-
Uh, we just passed like Witsville,
so I shouldn't be a little bit longer.
- Really?
- Yeah, is that okay?
- A bunch of us are going to the Riptide later.
Are you going?
- Oh, the the old Riptide, huh?
Uh, probably, I mean, I want to, you know,
I need to get into the hotel room first,
check my bags, maybe take a shower, get my bearings.
But you know, I, if we got some time,
I can swing by later.
- Okay.
- Why don't I-when I'm all set, I'll give you a call.
- Are you coming?
- I'd love to go to the Riptide again.
I bet it's like age-is so much different
than it was when we were
back in town all those years ago.
- Okay.
- I bet it's not like one of those bars that's frozen
in time and just kind of sad to revisit, you know?
Look, I gotta go.
I'm gonna get lost or something.
I'll be blocking the GPS,
so I'll talk to you later, okay.
- See you soon, love you.
- Yeah, yeah,
I'd love to see the same old six drinks
they have on the menu, you know.
Maybe they've added a seventh, who knows?
- Shouldn't we be heading to the beach by now?
- I'm not on duty until two.
Besides, Jake is there.
- Look, I still have two hours
of community service to do.
Get going.
- We can go after lunch.
- I like the way you think.
- Hey Andy, it's Ashlynn.
I'm here at the site
for my wedding photos and
the photographer's not here.
I thought you told me he was the best
in the area, and now he hasn't even shown up
and I can't believe I even took his business card.
So, like, call me back
as soon as you get this message, okay?
Bye.
- Listen, Mr. Flashcard button-pusher,
I've been waiting here forever
for you to show up to come do your job.
- Ah. Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
- It's really not that hard,
you just show up, you point and click.
- Ah.
Ah.
- And, now, you're not even here.
I don't know why I even bothered
to take your business card.
I mean, honestly, I could have had some
of my friends just take pictures with their phones.
So, listen, when my followers hear about this,
you are gonna be out of business.
- Oh.
- You said Haley was on watch,
what's Jake doing here?
- That's what Sadie said.
Why don't you just ask her out?
- It's not that easy.
- Sure it is.
Haley, wanna go out?
It's just, like, eight words.
Even you could handle that, right?
- What if she says no?
She'll tell her friends, then
her friends will tell friends.
Everyone will know.
- Dude, everyone already knows.
- I'm glad we were able to find some food at the pier.
Nothing ever seems to be open anymore.
- Oh, hell no.
Ah, hell no.
What the hell?
Hell yes.
Seven, maybe eight with beer goggles, I don't know.
- The station with the-
the best music.
Mixing the beats.
- What are you watching?
- "Christmas Blood."
- It's not as easy as you think.
If I ask her out, it can change everything.
- Maybe things need to change.
- We're gonna need a bigger bag.
- I ain't touching that.
- Maybe we should report this.
- I think we should go.
- Why are we here?
What time is it anyway?
- It's 2:46.
- Well, now you're 46 minutes late.
Why'd we take the long way?
I have like two hours of community service
I still have to get done.
I know Donnie and Cody are already at the beach.
- What?
Yeah, they were there
for community service this morning.
- Okay, let's go.
- I just want my cheeseburger.
You're gonna have it my way or no way.
Oh, fuck.
Goddammit.
Fucking goddam birds.
Why?
- Why aren't you answering your phone?
Listen, I just went shopping
and I found your briefcase in the back of the car.
You're such an asshole.
I can't believe it.
You know, really, you just need to, like,
just go screw off, okay.
You motherfucking douchebag.
Just don't ever call me again.
You asshole, okay.
Bye...
- Mom must have forgotten something.
- Sarah?
Sarah?
Sarah!
Sarah!
- Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks,
local and state authorities advise you
to stay away from the ocean
and large bodies of water,
cover and secure your trash cans.
Do not attempt any outdoor
grilling or food preparation.
The officials and authorities
are taking care of the situation.
The threat is expected to
be neutralized by the morning.
Please, for your safety, stay indoors.
- Hey, come on, let's go inside.
There was, like, an emergency broadcast.
- I think that there's something
really wrong with that bird.
- Make sure to get the windshield.
Get that, yeah.
Big ass bird.
Definitely a seven.
Save that for later.
Yeah, time to impress the ladies, now.
- Oo.
What's this?
Oh.
Hey buddy,
I didn't mean anything.
We friends and all.
Yeah, you wanna
get off my car.
There's better places to perch.
What are you?
Slow...
Easy...
We can all just go about our business hey.
- Quick, get in the car!
- Why?
- That was my last shot.
- Yeah, you almost took my head off with it.
- There's worse things in the world than that.
- Drive!
- Alright.
All right, that's it.
All right, that's it.
I'm not going one foot further
until I figure out who you are-
- Calm down, my name is Cole.
And why you tried to William Tell my head off
with a freaking arrow.
- That's the reason.
- Good fucking reason.
- Haley.
- Oh, hi Cody.
- I don't have time for this.
- Uh, what are you doing here?
I thought Jake was supposed to be here.
- Well, we heard you were here doing community service.
- We really don't have time for this.
You guys got food?
- So you're telling me you came from a toxic waste dump
of a town that's full of killer mutant seagulls?
- Pretty much.
- And we're going back?
- Yes.
- Shouldn't we have gas masks or something?
- Ah, no, the town air is safe.
It's the by-product waste we need to contain.
- And where is that?
- Well, you see, that's the problem.
The Malum processing plant made these deals
with the small local businesses
to contain their wastes
in their back rooms.
I'm talking about ridiculous amounts
of money at these small companies.
The problem is-
- That's not problem enough?
- No, unfortunately, the waste was being stored next
to the food by-product, which was fine
until the rats started getting into it.
- Okay, so the problem was the rats.
- No, the rats died off very quickly
after eating the by-product waste.
It was the seagulls that ate the rats
that were very resilient.
The thing is, the waste would
accelerate the seagulls' life.
They would die off quickly,
just as long as there was no food available.
- And they're turning on people for food?
- It would seem that the gulls
are the only animals that can sustain life
after ingesting the waste.
But it makes the mutant gulls aggressive.
Yes, the waste in question has been covered up.
There's one barrel we needed to get.
Tonight we were attacked.
- So you're telling me that if we go back
to this bio-mutant, gull-infested toxic waste town
and find a barrel of toxic waste,
I don't have to go drink piss-warm beer
with Ashlynn in some crappy hometown bar?
- Well, if you don't really love her, you don't have to.
- All right, you sold me on this idea, brother, let's go.
- Ha-ha, that's the spirit, ha-ha.
- What are they doing here?
- I don't know.
- It might be a weird question at the moment,
but, do you wanna go out sometime?
- Yes.
- So, this is the place, huh?
- Yep, this is it.
- We just have to go inside, find that last barrel
of whatever the gunk and get out of here.
- Yep, the only problem is just doing it
without getting our faces pecked off.
- Oh, good.
Why don't we start on that, I don't like
the sounds of things out here.
- Yeah, let's get going.
Come on.
- Uh. - Geez!
- This way!
- We're going in there?
- Would you rather stay out with the seagulls?
- Good point.
I'll try not to touch anything.
- Good idea, this way.
- I want Mom.
- I know.
- What if those seagulls got her?
- Don't say that.
- But what if-
- Don't say that.
- She works in the city.
It's further away from the ocean.
It's mom.
She's all right.
She is stuck at work and wants us to stay inside.
She'll be home tomorrow.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Calm down.
- Are you sure we're safe in here?
- Yes.
- I once saw a video
of a seagull stealing a bag of chips.
- Yeah, I showed you.
- I used to think that was funny.
- Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks,
local and state authorities advise you
to stay away from the ocean
and large bodies of water,
cover and secure your trash cans.
Do not attempt any outdoor
grilling or food preparation.
The officials and authorities
are taking care of the situation.
The threat is expected to
be neutralized by the morning.
Please, for your safety, stay indoors.
Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks.
- Ah.
Ah... Ah.
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Ah.
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Ah.
Ah.
- Uh...
Oh, dude.
Oh, ugh.
Oh.
- Get upsy-daisy.
- Oh, dude.
Ugh, that was gnarly.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
- You look sick.
- Hey! - Hey, hey, hey!
- Look up.
Go! Go!
Go!
- Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Hu, hu.
- I did it!
- Whoa, it's up there, up there!
Up there!
We need weapons.
- Yeah.
- Oh...
Oh.
- Well, I got some good news, and I got some news
I don't think you're gonna like very much.
- Uh.
- The good news is, I found the last barrel.
- And what's the bad news?
- They found it too.
- Goddammit.
- We're getting these freaky biohazards.
- I think so.
Come and get it, you peckerheads!
Ah!
- Ah.
- Consider these buzzers busted.
- The bird is not the word.
- Could we get this fucking thing
and get outta here?
- Uh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Seriously?
- Solves everything.
- You're the scientist.
- Not really.
- Ah, you know what?
I'm not even gonna question it.
- My fingers are sticky.
It's slippery.
- Oh, Brooke, I know you're here,
always on duty.
How about an assistant manager position?
Comes with a company car,
freshly washed.
Come on, Brooke.
I know you're here.
I saw your car parked outside.
There you are.
- Why are you doing this?
- Doing what?
- The storage, the rent, the waste,
and the trash back here.
- This is a start of a great new franchise.
Just think of it,
one that'll span the globe.
Toxic waste disposal with
affordable seafood options.
- You're out of your mind.
- I'm not out of my mind.
I'm out of my motherfucking mind.
I'm sick of feeding these "tour-ons."
This plan has been worked on for years.
You have a choice,
be part of it or be part of it.
How do you think McDonald's got started?
It wasn't by making meals happy.
Look at this!
Do you know what this is?
- Disgusting.
- It's money.
Moola, dollars, thousands of dollars.
I have a warehouse on I-95 just waiting to be filled.
This is just the beginning.
This, this is nothing.
- This is evil.
- It's not me.
These companies just can't get rid
of this stuff fast enough.
I'm just providing a service.
- A service?
- Yes, I'm just providing space for rent.
In case you haven't noticed,
it's all over town.
All we have to do is look legit and hide the rest.
See, I'm not evil.
I'm just taking advantage
of a very lucrative situation.
- You have no control over this.
- This is just phase one.
Every great plan has setbacks.
- People are being attacked all over town.
- Those mutations won't last.
They won't survive more than the night.
All we have to do is survive the night.
Depending on what side of
the fence you're on, of course.
- I think you mean we.
- You mean you and me?
- No.
- She means me, asshole!
- Oh.
Ah, ah.
Ow.
- Uh, uh, uh.
- Let's go.
- Uh, goddammit.
No, stop.
- Look at it this way,
you only have to survive till morning.
If you're lucky enough.
- Let me out of here.
- Oh, shit.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
- So, finally ready for that night out?
- I'm driving.
- I'm drinking.
- Let's go.
- Kick some seagull ass.
- Shut up.
- Whoo.
- Take that, seagull butt.
- Seagull butt?
Really?
- It's cool.
- Uh.
Ugh.
- Motherballs!
- Keep it together, Cole.
- This is too much.
- The foreman's ready for another shipment.
- The sooner we get out of here, the better.
These rats are relentless.
There's gotta be a better way of doing this.
- Better, yes.
Cheaper...
No.
Come on.
- Hold it right there, you two.
- Looks like it's gonna be a small load tonight.
- Oh, wonderful.
Is it safe?
- Safe enough.
- Oh, that's reassuring.
- It would be easier to load this in the daytime.
- Yeah.
- We can move it any time.
Ugh, stuff gets hard to find when it's this much.
It's safe enough.
- Where's my other glove?
How am I supposed to handle this with one glove?
Hey, Mike.
- What's up?
- Does it ever bother you?
- Shipments?
- Yeah.
- They kind of stink, but you know.
- No, seriously?
- Little bit.
- How do you handle it?
- I just look at my paycheck.
I've almost got enough saved up.
I'm gonna take Joan and the kids.
I'm thinking of moving further upstate.
Make the summer home our permanent home.
- Ah, the American dream.
- Warm sand, cold beer.
Outta here.
What about you?
- I might have met somebody.
- Oh, no shit.
- Yeah.
- First I'm hearing about it?
- Uh, yeah.
- That's all right, yeah.
- Oh, we'll see what happens.
- Hm, well good for you.
I hope it works out.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's just get tonight done,
done and over with and behind us.
- Yeah.
We got a few more of these, but-
- Oh God.
Listen, we're gonna be able
to forget about this someday.
And that day is not that far away.
- Oh God, I hope so.
Geez!
What the hell?
- Hold on.
It felt like it shifted.
I'm gonna check the shipment.
I thought I felt something move.
- Well, just be careful.
I don't wanna have to explain anything to Joan.
- I really should have gotten my gloves.
- Mike, is everything okay?
- The station with the best,
the best, the best music.
- I love the music. - Best music.
- Hey, Dale, it's Brooke.
Uh, storefront's empty and the back storage is locked.
So maybe when you come in, you could bring some keys?
And how about some food for the customers?
Thanks.
Carmen is gonna freak.
- Hello, hello-
Hello, hello.
Hello.
Come on, hey, sweetie, hello.
Kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy.
Yeah, you keep smiling.
Only bad news comes in an envelope.
I know, Reginald - stupid kids.
World's going to hell in a hand basket.
Yeah, that's right.
You can get rid of the evidence
before your mama comes home.
- Sarah.
- What?
- Did you take out the trash?
- Yes.
- Did you empty the dishwasher?
- That's your job, Claire.
I'm not your Cinderella.
- Get up, will you?
Mom wants this place clean
before Auntie Ashlynn gets here.
- Auntie Ash is coming today?
- Yes.
- Yes! Shopping.
- She's just coming to get her engagement photos taken.
- Where?
- On the pier.
- Yes! Shopping!
- Again?
You have got to be kidding me.
- Wish I was.
Called Dale, left him a message.
- So we're just left here soda jerking all day?
- We also have chips.
- I am way too hungover for this.
- I hear you.
Vacation crowd coming in.
Storage is locked.
And we have no food.
- No fish for the "tour-ons."
- This is stupid.
- Did you know that this was also happening
at the Lobster House too?
- What?
- Mm-hmm, Julie told me
that they're actually making four times the profits
than what the manager is recording.
- How is that possible?
- What?
- Cody, where are you?
- Wait, Donnie, where are you?
- I'm at Miller Pond.
- Damn, I forgot.
- This is your community service project.
- I know, I know, it's-
- Oh, by the way, Haley is here.
- Oh, all right.
I'll be right there then.
- Haley?
- Geez, you scared the shit out of me.
- Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
- It's just a way to get him down here.
Besides, she could be working here today anyway.
Or you could just call her?
- I'll just go get her.
It'll be faster that way.
- Can I get a fish and chips, please?
- Does it look like we have fish and chips?
- Well, yeah.
This is Dale's Fish & Chipwreck.
- Well, today, we're Fountain Drink Funland.
- We don't have power for the ice or fountain,
but we do have cans.
- All right, could I get a Cola?
- Sure.
That'll be three bucks.
- You know, they're cheaper in the machine
down the way there.
- Well, why don't you just go somewhere else
and feed corporate America
by killing small American businesses?
- It's warm.
You guys know where the nearest comic book store is?
- How is Dale staying in business?
- Maybe it's the charming customer service
of his workers.
- Where is he?
- I heard he has an investment deal in the works.
- Like the frozen espresso machine?
- Or the fries slicer,
the cheese fries slicer.
Oh my God.
- Oh geez. What's next?
- Ahoy, ahoy, Dale here.
- Dale, where are you?
- Oh, I'm out taking care of some business.
- The storage is locked.
- Where are you?
- I'm at the Shack.
Where are you?
- The Shack?
- No you're not.
- It's Monday?
- Yes, it's Monday.
Why is the storage locked?
- It's busted.
I'll call a locksmith, and I'll take care of it later.
- Do you want me to call?
- Just shut it down.
- But-
- Just go to the beach.
I'll comp you.
Have a good time.
Live a little.
- Fine.
- Good night.
- We're closed, but we're comped.
- Mm.
So does that mean that you wanna go pound
a couple of beers at the Riptide with me?
- Carmen, I've been awake a half hour.
- Oh, but you know that in my world it's always happy hour.
- I think I'm gonna hang around here.
I don't want to be out on the town this week.
- Why not?
- Ashlynn's back.
- What is she doing back in town?
- Parading around her finger rock.
- No way.
- Way.
You know, she texted me.
She wants to have her engagement
photos down by the water.
- She didn't even bother to call you?
- My phone never rang.
Though, I didn't have it turned up.
- Ah.
- I know it's petty, I know it's stupid,
but my life is at a standstill
and I can't stand to watch
someone else's magic carpet ride right now.
- No judgment here.
You always have me.
- I also have Ben and Jerry's back at home.
- Well, call me if you need anything.
I won't call you.
I'll be busy hanging with Bud and Weiser.
- Hey Chris, it's Ashlynn.
I wanted to let you guys know
that I'll be at the Riptide after my shoot.
So let me know if you hear from Tony, okay?
Love you, bye.
- Beautiful, beautiful, there you go.
Moving it,
in the air, yes.
All right, hold on, hold on.
All right, excellent.
Absolutely luscious.
Come on now.
Like I said, I want the water
coming up to your waistline.
I really wanna show off those hips, baby.
All right, there it is.
Motherfucker, this brand new camera.
I'm never gonna get used to this.
I hope this isn't deterring you from-apologies.
Um, why don't you move your hair just a little bit?
Play with me too, not just the camera, honey, come on.
Let's get one with your hands up too,
holding your hair.
Hold on, hold on, one fucking second.
It's nonstop with this woman.
Turning that off.
Let's get back to you, honey,
100% about you today.
Let's do it.
Absolutely stunning.
- Hey, Kim, it's Ashlynn.
I'm in town to get my wedding photos done, of course.
A bunch of us
are gonna meet up at Sandy's Riptide afterwards,
so join us if you want to.
Love you, bye.
Hey, Brooke, it's Ashlynn.
I don't know if you got my message last time.
I'm in town again
and a bunch of us
are gonna meet up at the Riptide after my shoot.
Maybe we can meet up at The Shack.
Okay? Call me.
- Very nice.
Oh my God, the tits on this one.
Babe
Can't wait to get back to that
place and take care of these.
Babe
This one here, this is a keeper.
Babe
Babe
Hold tight
Babe
I can't enjoy anything.
What a fucking surprise, another model flaking.
Never easy with these ones.
- I hate Mondays.
Come on, get outta there.
Ugh.
Hot toes...
Hot toes.
Whatever.
- They slapped the mule across
the ass and made a road wherever it ran.
Hello?
- Hi Brett, how are you?
- Oh, hey, Ashlynn, uh good.
What's up?
- Where are you?
- I think I am about an hour and a half-
Uh, we just passed like Witsville,
so I shouldn't be a little bit longer.
- Really?
- Yeah, is that okay?
- A bunch of us are going to the Riptide later.
Are you going?
- Oh, the the old Riptide, huh?
Uh, probably, I mean, I want to, you know,
I need to get into the hotel room first,
check my bags, maybe take a shower, get my bearings.
But you know, I, if we got some time,
I can swing by later.
- Okay.
- Why don't I-when I'm all set, I'll give you a call.
- Are you coming?
- I'd love to go to the Riptide again.
I bet it's like age-is so much different
than it was when we were
back in town all those years ago.
- Okay.
- I bet it's not like one of those bars that's frozen
in time and just kind of sad to revisit, you know?
Look, I gotta go.
I'm gonna get lost or something.
I'll be blocking the GPS,
so I'll talk to you later, okay.
- See you soon, love you.
- Yeah, yeah,
I'd love to see the same old six drinks
they have on the menu, you know.
Maybe they've added a seventh, who knows?
- Shouldn't we be heading to the beach by now?
- I'm not on duty until two.
Besides, Jake is there.
- Look, I still have two hours
of community service to do.
Get going.
- We can go after lunch.
- I like the way you think.
- Hey Andy, it's Ashlynn.
I'm here at the site
for my wedding photos and
the photographer's not here.
I thought you told me he was the best
in the area, and now he hasn't even shown up
and I can't believe I even took his business card.
So, like, call me back
as soon as you get this message, okay?
Bye.
- Listen, Mr. Flashcard button-pusher,
I've been waiting here forever
for you to show up to come do your job.
- Ah. Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
- It's really not that hard,
you just show up, you point and click.
- Ah.
Ah.
- And, now, you're not even here.
I don't know why I even bothered
to take your business card.
I mean, honestly, I could have had some
of my friends just take pictures with their phones.
So, listen, when my followers hear about this,
you are gonna be out of business.
- Oh.
- You said Haley was on watch,
what's Jake doing here?
- That's what Sadie said.
Why don't you just ask her out?
- It's not that easy.
- Sure it is.
Haley, wanna go out?
It's just, like, eight words.
Even you could handle that, right?
- What if she says no?
She'll tell her friends, then
her friends will tell friends.
Everyone will know.
- Dude, everyone already knows.
- I'm glad we were able to find some food at the pier.
Nothing ever seems to be open anymore.
- Oh, hell no.
Ah, hell no.
What the hell?
Hell yes.
Seven, maybe eight with beer goggles, I don't know.
- The station with the-
the best music.
Mixing the beats.
- What are you watching?
- "Christmas Blood."
- It's not as easy as you think.
If I ask her out, it can change everything.
- Maybe things need to change.
- We're gonna need a bigger bag.
- I ain't touching that.
- Maybe we should report this.
- I think we should go.
- Why are we here?
What time is it anyway?
- It's 2:46.
- Well, now you're 46 minutes late.
Why'd we take the long way?
I have like two hours of community service
I still have to get done.
I know Donnie and Cody are already at the beach.
- What?
Yeah, they were there
for community service this morning.
- Okay, let's go.
- I just want my cheeseburger.
You're gonna have it my way or no way.
Oh, fuck.
Goddammit.
Fucking goddam birds.
Why?
- Why aren't you answering your phone?
Listen, I just went shopping
and I found your briefcase in the back of the car.
You're such an asshole.
I can't believe it.
You know, really, you just need to, like,
just go screw off, okay.
You motherfucking douchebag.
Just don't ever call me again.
You asshole, okay.
Bye...
- Mom must have forgotten something.
- Sarah?
Sarah?
Sarah!
Sarah!
- Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks,
local and state authorities advise you
to stay away from the ocean
and large bodies of water,
cover and secure your trash cans.
Do not attempt any outdoor
grilling or food preparation.
The officials and authorities
are taking care of the situation.
The threat is expected to
be neutralized by the morning.
Please, for your safety, stay indoors.
- Hey, come on, let's go inside.
There was, like, an emergency broadcast.
- I think that there's something
really wrong with that bird.
- Make sure to get the windshield.
Get that, yeah.
Big ass bird.
Definitely a seven.
Save that for later.
Yeah, time to impress the ladies, now.
- Oo.
What's this?
Oh.
Hey buddy,
I didn't mean anything.
We friends and all.
Yeah, you wanna
get off my car.
There's better places to perch.
What are you?
Slow...
Easy...
We can all just go about our business hey.
- Quick, get in the car!
- Why?
- That was my last shot.
- Yeah, you almost took my head off with it.
- There's worse things in the world than that.
- Drive!
- Alright.
All right, that's it.
All right, that's it.
I'm not going one foot further
until I figure out who you are-
- Calm down, my name is Cole.
And why you tried to William Tell my head off
with a freaking arrow.
- That's the reason.
- Good fucking reason.
- Haley.
- Oh, hi Cody.
- I don't have time for this.
- Uh, what are you doing here?
I thought Jake was supposed to be here.
- Well, we heard you were here doing community service.
- We really don't have time for this.
You guys got food?
- So you're telling me you came from a toxic waste dump
of a town that's full of killer mutant seagulls?
- Pretty much.
- And we're going back?
- Yes.
- Shouldn't we have gas masks or something?
- Ah, no, the town air is safe.
It's the by-product waste we need to contain.
- And where is that?
- Well, you see, that's the problem.
The Malum processing plant made these deals
with the small local businesses
to contain their wastes
in their back rooms.
I'm talking about ridiculous amounts
of money at these small companies.
The problem is-
- That's not problem enough?
- No, unfortunately, the waste was being stored next
to the food by-product, which was fine
until the rats started getting into it.
- Okay, so the problem was the rats.
- No, the rats died off very quickly
after eating the by-product waste.
It was the seagulls that ate the rats
that were very resilient.
The thing is, the waste would
accelerate the seagulls' life.
They would die off quickly,
just as long as there was no food available.
- And they're turning on people for food?
- It would seem that the gulls
are the only animals that can sustain life
after ingesting the waste.
But it makes the mutant gulls aggressive.
Yes, the waste in question has been covered up.
There's one barrel we needed to get.
Tonight we were attacked.
- So you're telling me that if we go back
to this bio-mutant, gull-infested toxic waste town
and find a barrel of toxic waste,
I don't have to go drink piss-warm beer
with Ashlynn in some crappy hometown bar?
- Well, if you don't really love her, you don't have to.
- All right, you sold me on this idea, brother, let's go.
- Ha-ha, that's the spirit, ha-ha.
- What are they doing here?
- I don't know.
- It might be a weird question at the moment,
but, do you wanna go out sometime?
- Yes.
- So, this is the place, huh?
- Yep, this is it.
- We just have to go inside, find that last barrel
of whatever the gunk and get out of here.
- Yep, the only problem is just doing it
without getting our faces pecked off.
- Oh, good.
Why don't we start on that, I don't like
the sounds of things out here.
- Yeah, let's get going.
Come on.
- Uh. - Geez!
- This way!
- We're going in there?
- Would you rather stay out with the seagulls?
- Good point.
I'll try not to touch anything.
- Good idea, this way.
- I want Mom.
- I know.
- What if those seagulls got her?
- Don't say that.
- But what if-
- Don't say that.
- She works in the city.
It's further away from the ocean.
It's mom.
She's all right.
She is stuck at work and wants us to stay inside.
She'll be home tomorrow.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Calm down.
- Are you sure we're safe in here?
- Yes.
- I once saw a video
of a seagull stealing a bag of chips.
- Yeah, I showed you.
- I used to think that was funny.
- Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks,
local and state authorities advise you
to stay away from the ocean
and large bodies of water,
cover and secure your trash cans.
Do not attempt any outdoor
grilling or food preparation.
The officials and authorities
are taking care of the situation.
The threat is expected to
be neutralized by the morning.
Please, for your safety, stay indoors.
Due to an increased amount
of potential rabid animal attacks.
- Ah.
Ah... Ah.
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Ah.
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Ah.
Ah.
- Uh...
Oh, dude.
Oh, ugh.
Oh.
- Get upsy-daisy.
- Oh, dude.
Ugh, that was gnarly.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
- You look sick.
- Hey! - Hey, hey, hey!
- Look up.
Go! Go!
Go!
- Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Hu, hu.
- I did it!
- Whoa, it's up there, up there!
Up there!
We need weapons.
- Yeah.
- Oh...
Oh.
- Well, I got some good news, and I got some news
I don't think you're gonna like very much.
- Uh.
- The good news is, I found the last barrel.
- And what's the bad news?
- They found it too.
- Goddammit.
- We're getting these freaky biohazards.
- I think so.
Come and get it, you peckerheads!
Ah!
- Ah.
- Consider these buzzers busted.
- The bird is not the word.
- Could we get this fucking thing
and get outta here?
- Uh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Seriously?
- Solves everything.
- You're the scientist.
- Not really.
- Ah, you know what?
I'm not even gonna question it.
- My fingers are sticky.
It's slippery.
- Oh, Brooke, I know you're here,
always on duty.
How about an assistant manager position?
Comes with a company car,
freshly washed.
Come on, Brooke.
I know you're here.
I saw your car parked outside.
There you are.
- Why are you doing this?
- Doing what?
- The storage, the rent, the waste,
and the trash back here.
- This is a start of a great new franchise.
Just think of it,
one that'll span the globe.
Toxic waste disposal with
affordable seafood options.
- You're out of your mind.
- I'm not out of my mind.
I'm out of my motherfucking mind.
I'm sick of feeding these "tour-ons."
This plan has been worked on for years.
You have a choice,
be part of it or be part of it.
How do you think McDonald's got started?
It wasn't by making meals happy.
Look at this!
Do you know what this is?
- Disgusting.
- It's money.
Moola, dollars, thousands of dollars.
I have a warehouse on I-95 just waiting to be filled.
This is just the beginning.
This, this is nothing.
- This is evil.
- It's not me.
These companies just can't get rid
of this stuff fast enough.
I'm just providing a service.
- A service?
- Yes, I'm just providing space for rent.
In case you haven't noticed,
it's all over town.
All we have to do is look legit and hide the rest.
See, I'm not evil.
I'm just taking advantage
of a very lucrative situation.
- You have no control over this.
- This is just phase one.
Every great plan has setbacks.
- People are being attacked all over town.
- Those mutations won't last.
They won't survive more than the night.
All we have to do is survive the night.
Depending on what side of
the fence you're on, of course.
- I think you mean we.
- You mean you and me?
- No.
- She means me, asshole!
- Oh.
Ah, ah.
Ow.
- Uh, uh, uh.
- Let's go.
- Uh, goddammit.
No, stop.
- Look at it this way,
you only have to survive till morning.
If you're lucky enough.
- Let me out of here.
- Oh, shit.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
- So, finally ready for that night out?
- I'm driving.
- I'm drinking.
- Let's go.
- Kick some seagull ass.
- Shut up.
- Whoo.
- Take that, seagull butt.
- Seagull butt?
Really?
- It's cool.