Doug Stanhope: The Dying of a Last Breed (2020) Movie Script

1
ladies and gentlemen
ladies and gentlemen
ladies and gentlemen please welcome
to the stage
please welcome to the stage
please welcome to the stage
Doug stanhope
[Music]
thanks
thanks very much
for public release
on Saturday night may 25th
on Saturday night may 25th
on Saturday night may 25th while performing
in las Vegas
while performing in las Vegas
while performing in las Vegas I made
comments and performed material
I made comments and performed material
I made comments and performed material
that I now understand to be utterly
that I now understand to be utterly
that I now understand to be
utterly deplorable and indefensible
deplorable and indefensible
deplorable and indefensible
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] it is now a
source of great shame and
it is now a source of great shame and
it is now a source of great shame and
embarrassment
embarrassment
embarrassment and I want
to offer my heartfelt
and I want to offer my heartfelt
and I want to offer my heartfelt
apologies
apologies
apologies I'm gutted by
my own carelessness and
I'm gutted by my own carelessness and
I'm gutted by my own carelessness
and beg you to know deliver earnestly
beg you to know deliver earnestly
beg you to know deliver earnestly this is
not who I am
this is not who I am
this is not who I am I
intend to take
the time in the future for great
the time in the future for great
the time in the future for great
soul-searching and hope to come back a
soul-searching and hope to come back a
soul-searching and hope to come back
a more sensitive and insightful human
more sensitive and insightful human
more sensitive and insightful human
being I only wish there was some way I
being I only wish there was some way I
being I only wish there was some way
I could go back in time and erase this
could go back in time and erase this
could go back in time and erase this
whole ugly affair
I like to get ahead of problems
I like to get ahead of problems
I like to get ahead of problems I
decide I'm gonna do this whole uh show
I decide I'm gonna do this whole uh show
I decide I'm gonna do this whole uh show
backwards kind of where I'm gonna open
backwards kind of where I'm gonna open
backwards kind of where I'm gonna open
with what I was gonna use as my closer
with what I was gonna use as my closer
with what I was gonna use as my
closer but my closer I really like and it's
but my closer I really like and it's
but my closer I really like and it's about
dead kids and that makes me happy
about dead kids and that makes me happy
about dead kids and that makes me happy and
it sets a tone
and it sets a tone
and it sets a tone for the entire show
so I go yeah let's
for the entire show so I go yeah let's
for the entire show so I go
yeah let's let's do it that way
let's do it that way
let's do it that way perks me
up in the beginning
perks me up in the beginning
perks me up in the beginning and I'll tell
you there used to be
and I'll tell you there used to be
and I'll tell you there used to be
in any given recording or special or
in any given recording or special or
in any given recording or special or
whatever the [ ] you call them a large
whatever the []
you call them a large
whatever the [ ] you call them a
large portion not a large but a certain
portion not a large but a certain
portion not a large but a
certain percentage of my material
percentage of my material
percentage of my material was
based on
was based on
was based on cable news []
I watched on cnn or
cable news []
I watched on cnn or
cable news [ ] I watched on cnn or
whatever cable news and I don't have
whatever cable news and I don't have
whatever cable news and I don't have
that anymore because since the election
that anymore because since the election
that anymore because since the
election there's only one [ ] subject on
there's only one
[] subject on
there's only one [ ] subject on
cable news anymore and it's just that
cable news anymore and it's just that
cable news anymore and it's just
that one boring [ ] story that I don't
one boring []
story that I don't
one boring [ ] story that I don't
care about I have nothing to add to I
care about I have nothing to add to I
care about I have nothing to add to I
never even say his name on stage just
never even say his name on stage just
never even say his name on stage just
ignore it
ignore it
ignore it it's your []
problem you deserve
it's your []
problem you deserve
it's your [ ] problem you deserve
that [ ] guy because you're the
that []
guy because you're the
that [ ] guy because you're the
generation that made this happen you are
generation that made this happen you are
generation that made this happen
you are responsible for making all these
responsible for making all these
responsible for making all these
talentless blowhards famous just for
talentless blowhards famous just for
talentless blowhards famous just
for being [ ] [ ] and now you got
being []
[] and now you got
being [ ] [ ] and now you got
one that you called your leader so [ ]
One that you called your
leader so []
one that you called your leader so [
] you none of my business I'll be dead
you none of my business I'll be dead
you none of my business I'll be dead
soon
but where it became
a deficit to me I
but where it became a deficit to me I
but where it became a deficit to me I
remember right before the election there
remember right before the election there
remember right before the election
there was a story about a family at Disney
was a story about a family at Disney
was a story about a family at Disney
world that was enjoying a vacation and
world that was enjoying a vacation and
world that was enjoying a vacation
and they were having a nice picnic at the
they were having a nice picnic at the
they were having a nice picnic
at the end of the day on a fake
end of the day on a fake
end of the day on a fake beach in
a fake lake
beach in a fake lake
beach in a fake lake at Disney world
or probably a fake
at Disney world or probably a fake
at Disney world or probably a fake
sunset too and
sunset too and
sunset too and the little toddler
boy of the family
the little toddler boy of the family
the little toddler boy of the family
wandered out into the drink just a
wandered out into the drink just a
wandered out into the drink just a
little bit
little bit
little bit and a real alligator
and a real alligator
and a real alligator sprung out
and ate the boy
sprung out and ate the boy
sprung out and ate the boy which the dad
probably thought was fake
which the dad probably thought was fake
which the dad probably thought was
fake too after a whole day at Disneyland he
too after a whole day at Disneyland he
too after a whole day at Disneyland he
oh there's no surprises for me anymore
oh there's no surprises for me anymore
oh there's no surprises for me anymore
real alligator oh [ ] that's my voice
real alligator oh
[] that's my voice
real alligator oh [] that's my voice
so the dad
so the dad
so the dad he grabbed the boy
by the wrists but by
he grabbed the boy by the wrists but by
he grabbed the boy by the wrists but
by now the alligator has the boy up past
now the alligator has the boy up past
now the alligator has the boy
up past the feet past the waist and
the feet past the waist and
the feet past the waist and as they
say in the business
as they say in the business
as they say in the business
possession is nine tenths of the law
and that has to
be a very emasculating
devastating experience
where you have to
devastating experience where you have to
devastating experience where you have
to concede defeat in a tug-of-war with an
concede defeat in a tug-of-war with an
concede defeat in a tug-of-war with
an alligator when your boy is the rope
alligator when your boy is the rope
alligator when your boy is the rope
I
I
I get that []
get that []
get that [] oh but you try
it honey it's a goddamn
oh but you try it honey it's a goddamn
oh but you try it honey it's a goddamn
alligator
the [] am I
supposed to this whole
the [] am
I supposed to this whole
the [ ] am I supposed to this
whole vacation was your idea I'm not
vacation was your idea I'm not
vacation was your idea I'm not
responsible for I tried my best
responsible for I tried my best
responsible for I tried my best
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] and it was like
weeks after that story I
and it was like weeks after that story I
and it was like weeks after that story
I remember watching that at two in the
remember watching that at two in the
remember watching that at two in the
morning and
morning and
morning and then the
election happens
then the election happens
then the election happens
and then
and then
and then then that's all
they talk about
then that's all they talk about
then that's all they talk about all
the cable news oh did you see what
all the cable news oh did you see what
all the cable news oh did you see
what he tweeted this week that contradicts
he tweeted this week that contradicts
he tweeted this week that contradicts
what he tweeted last week let's have a
what he tweeted last week let's have a
what he tweeted last week let's have a
panel of eight eggheads all sit out here
panel of eight eggheads all sit out here
panel of eight eggheads all sit out
here and discuss this for an entire hour
and discuss this for an entire hour
and discuss this for an entire hour
shitty apologize what's your opinion
shitty apologize what's your opinion
shitty apologize what's your opinion
Brian well you know my opinion because
Brian well you know my opinion because
Brian well you know my opinion because
of the network we're on we all have the
of the network we're on we all have the
of the network we're on we
all have the same [ ] opinion
same [] opinion
same [] opinion how many
how many
how many kids
kids
kids being eaten by
alligator stories am I
being eaten by alligator stories am I
being eaten by alligator stories am
I missing because of this [ ] onion
missing because of this
[] onion
missing because of this [ ] onion
head in office I have a business to run
head in office I have a business to run
head in office I have a business to run
people
so now I just get
all my news off the
so now I just get all my news off the
so now I just get all my
news off the internet so I could
internet so I could
internet so I could read the headline
make sure it's not
read the headline make sure it's not
read the headline make sure it's not
about that guy I don't know if I fixate
about that guy I don't know if I fixate
about that guy I don't know if I fixate
on dead kids stories because of that
on dead kids stories because of that
on dead kids stories because of that
alligator
alligator
alligator thing or if maybe
I just have a weird
thing or if maybe I just have a weird
thing or if maybe I just have a weird
dark
dark
dark interest in dead
kids stories but every
interest in dead kids stories but every
interest in dead kids stories but
every I click on all the dead kids stories
I click on all the dead kids stories
I click on all the dead kids stories cause
they're always
cause they're always
cause they're always interesting
they're always tragic
necessarily
necessarily
necessarily I've never read a
I've never read a
I've never read a dead kid's story where
at the end I felt
dead kid's story where at the end I felt
dead kid's story where at the end I felt
justice
you had it coming you prick
how many times did
your dad warn you not
how many times did your dad warn you not
how many times did your dad warn you
not to talk on the cell phone in the tub
to talk on the cell phone in the tub
to talk on the cell phone in the tub while
it's charging
no they're all tragic
but one of the
no they're all tragic but one of the
no they're all tragic but one
of the patterns I've noticed
patterns I've noticed
patterns I've noticed is almost
every dead kid's story
is almost every dead kid's story
is almost every dead kid's story
ends with and the family has set up a
ends with and the family has set up a
ends with and the family has set up a
go fund me page
for
for
for what I don't
know anything about what
what I don't know anything about what
what I don't know anything
about what it's like to lose a child
it's like to lose a child
it's like to lose a child but if
there's one thing I do know if
but if there's one thing I do know if
but if there's one thing I do know if
nothing else
nothing else
nothing else you're making money
a lot of money
a lot of money
a lot of money [] loads of
money the literally the
[] loads
of money the literally the
[ ] loads of money the literally
the kid the more money you're making
kid the more money you're making
kid the more money you're making
because now
because now
because now all that money
you no longer have to
all that money you no longer have to
all that money you no longer have to
spend on the the big boy pee pants and
spend on the the big boy pee pants and
spend on the the big boy pee pants
and the the lunchables and the juice boxes
the the lunchables and the juice boxes
the the lunchables and the juice boxes
that's your petty cash coming right back
that's your petty cash coming right back
that's your petty cash coming right
back into your pockets all the pop Warner
into your pockets all the pop Warner
into your pockets all the pop Warner
gear
gear
gear and the air Jordans
and the tuba lessons
and the air Jordans and the tuba lessons
and the air Jordans and the tuba lessons
that's your [ ] money is racing back
that's your []
money is racing back
that's your [] money is
racing back into your
into your
into your fat khaki pockets
fat khaki pockets
fat khaki pockets the orthodontist
the antique that came
the orthodontist the antique that came
the orthodontist the antique that
came straight out at you no longer your
straight out at you no longer your
straight out at you no longer your concern
that's your bank
concern that's your bank
concern that's your bank it's like you're
in one of those phone
it's like you're in one of those phone
it's like you're in one of those phone
booths on a game show where cash blows
booths on a game show where cash blows
booths on a game show where cash blows
all around and you get to snatch as much
all around and you get to snatch as much
all around and you get to snatch as
much out of the air as you possibly can and
out of the air as you possibly can and
out of the air as you possibly
can and you're gonna start a
you're gonna start a
you're gonna start a go fund me page on
top of that you greedy
go fund me page on top of that you greedy
go fund me page on top of that you greedy
[]
[]
[] playing on
the sympathies of your
playing on the sympathies of your
playing on the sympathies of your friends
and neighbors
you robber baron
you rode agents you
you robber baron you rode agents you
you robber baron you rode agents
you you have a little kid that dies you
you have a little kid that dies you
you have a little kid that dies you
start a go fund someone else page and
start a go fund someone else page and
start a go fund someone else page and
pay it forward
pay it forward
pay it forward share the wealth
you have a friend
that has a little kid
you have a friend that has a little kid
you have a friend that has a little kid
that dies
jack them up for
a loan that's the day
jack them up for a loan that's the day
jack them up for a loan that's the day
day one before everyone else gets to him
day one before everyone else gets to him
day one before everyone else gets to
him sorry as awkward as this seems Kevin I
sorry as awkward as this seems Kevin I
sorry as awkward as this seems
Kevin I heard you won a lottery of sorts
heard you won a lottery of sorts
heard you won a lottery of sorts
and uh
and uh
and uh I don't know if
you heard about the
I don't know if you heard about the
I don't know if you heard about
the predicament I'm in I'm in a bit of a
predicament I'm in I'm in a bit of a
predicament I'm in I'm in a bit of a
pickle
pickle
pickle uh
uh
uh my kids are
my kids are
my kids are they're still alive
so it's tough
times at the Jenkins
so it's tough times at the Jenkins
so it's tough times at the Jenkins
household
household
household hate to show up
with my hand out
the [] do you
need a go fund me for a
the [] do
you need a go fund me for a
the [] do you need a go
fund me for a dead kid
dead kid
dead kid the only time I've
seen it in a story is
the only time I've seen it in a story is
the only time I've seen it in a story
is where it says to help pay for funeral
where it says to help pay for funeral
where it says to help pay for funeral
costs which is another scam all together
costs which is another scam all together
costs which is another scam all
together a funeral you just [ ]
a funeral you just []
a funeral you just [] it's dead
it doesn't care
it's dead it doesn't care
it's dead it doesn't care dead things don't
give a [] about all
dead things don't give a
[] about all
dead things don't give a
[] about all your
your
your goings on and
you're gonna get a
goings on and you're gonna get a
goings on and you're gonna get
a headstone and a coffin for what
headstone and a coffin for what
headstone and a coffin for what you're
gonna you're gonna buy a cemetery
you're gonna you're gonna buy a cemetery
you're gonna you're gonna buy a cemetery
plot
plot
plot for a dead kid
for a dead kid
for a dead kid you're gonna buy
real estate for a dead
you're gonna buy real estate for a dead
you're gonna buy real estate for a
dead thing while you're still renting
does that make any sense at all
does that make any sense at all
does that make any sense at all
see a little more energy this time huh
see a little more energy this time huh
see a little more energy this time huh
[Applause]
you have something
that you loved that's
you have something that you loved that's
you have something that you loved that's
now dead
that vessel is
still sitting there
that vessel is still sitting there
that vessel is still sitting there
you donate it to science it's what you
you donate it to science it's what you
you donate it to science it's what you
do
do
do you [] spend
money on some nonsense
you [] spend
money on some nonsense
you [ ] spend money on some
nonsense dead things don't care about you
dead things don't care about you
dead things don't care about you
because you
because you
because you my parents both
died and we donated both
my parents both died and we donated both
my parents both died and we donated
both of their bodies to science because you
of their bodies to science because you
of their bodies to science because
you can't chuck it in a dumpster
can't chuck it in a dumpster
can't chuck it in a dumpster it's illegal
for some reason
you donate it
to science and what
you donate it to science and what
you donate it to science and what
happens then is you actually help the
happens then is you actually help the
happens then is you actually help the
world you donate it to science they show
world you donate it to science they show
world you donate it to science they show
up they pick up your dead thing they sh
up they pick up your dead thing they sh
up they pick up your dead thing they
sh ship it off free of charge to a medical
ship it off free of charge to a medical
ship it off free of charge to a medical
university where some
university where some
university where some hungover
hungover
hungover 19 year olds are
gonna gut open your
19 year olds are gonna gut open your
19 year olds are gonna gut open your
aunt Betty and start flipping around her
aunt Betty and start flipping around her
aunt Betty and start flipping around her
internal organs like it's a benihana and
internal organs like it's a benihana and
internal organs like it's a benihana and
chase each other around with your mom's
chase each other around with your mom's
chase each other around with your mom's
pancreas
pancreas
pancreas quitted
quitted
quitted acquitted I'm gonna hurl
acquitted I'm gonna hurl
acquitted I'm gonna hurl still
drunk get down
still drunk get down
still drunk get down but maybe one
of those kids is actually
but maybe one of those kids is actually
but maybe one of those kids is actually
paying attention and somehow your
paying attention and somehow your
paying attention and somehow your
donated dead thing will he he finds a
donated dead thing will he he finds a
donated dead thing will he he finds a
cure for something for some disease or
cure for something for some disease or
cure for something for some disease
or malady that actually helps society
malady that actually helps society
malady that actually helps society
from your donation rather than you just
from your donation rather than you just
from your donation rather than you
just being some weird corpse hoarder
being some weird corpse hoarder
being some weird corpse hoarder
and then you did a good thing for the
and then you did a good thing for the
and then you did a good thing for
the world that kid's Asian by the way
world that kid's Asian by the way
world that kid's Asian by the
way I know they say that there's no
I know they say that there's no
I know they say that there's no
heartache worse than having to bury your
heartache worse than having to bury your
heartache worse than having to bury your
own child and I have to give that to you
own child and I have to give that to you
own child and I have to give that to
you I wouldn't know I've never been in that
I wouldn't know I've never been in that
I wouldn't know I've never been in that
position
position
position and uh
and uh
and uh never put myself
at that kind of
never put myself at that kind of
never put myself at that kind
of disadvantage by having one
but if that is
true that that's the
but if that is true that that's the
but if that is true that that's the
worst heartache that proves my point
worst heartache that proves my point
worst heartache that proves my point
that there's a huge difference between a
that there's a huge difference between a
that there's a huge difference
between a child and a fetus
child and a fetus
child and a fetus because I never had
to bury my own child
because I never had to bury my own child
because I never had to bury my own child
but
did uh have to
pony up for an abortion
did uh have to pony up for an abortion
did uh have to pony up for an abortion
when it was my turn to grab the check
when it was my turn to grab the check
when it was my turn to grab the check
and
and
and heartache with an abortion
I could have watched
I could have watched
I could have watched live footage of
that abortion on closed
live footage of that abortion on closed
live footage of that abortion on
closed circuit tv while eating spaghetti
and still gotten
distracted and started
and still gotten distracted and started
and still gotten distracted and started
checking my tweets
checking my tweets
checking my tweets the only heartache
you'll ever feel with
the only heartache you'll ever feel with
the only heartache you'll ever feel with
an abortion is if you chug the champagne
an abortion is if you chug the champagne
an abortion is if you chug the
champagne too quickly afterwards
and if you started
a go fund me page for
and if you started a go fund me page for
and if you started a go fund me page for
an abortion
an abortion
an abortion I would kick in
a few dollars and
I would kick in a few dollars and
I would kick in a few dollars and
retweet that to my tweeter followers
retweet that to my tweeter followers
retweet that to my tweeter followers
because that is an effort worth
because that is an effort worth
because that is an effort
worth investing in for the planet
had to get that out
had to get that out
had to get that out that bit it's
important it's dead kids
that bit it's important it's dead kids
that bit it's important it's dead
kids season memorial day weekend
kicks off dead kids season
kicks off dead kids season
kicks off dead kids season you're gonna get
back from Vegas the
you're gonna get back from Vegas the
you're gonna get back from Vegas
the sun's coming out whatever [ ] you
sun's coming out whatever
[] you
sun's coming out whatever [ ] you
live in and you're gonna peel the tarp
live in and you're gonna peel the tarp
live in and you're gonna peel the
tarp off of that above ground pool
off of that above ground pool
off of that above ground pool you're gonna
start pouring the sangrias
you're gonna start pouring the sangrias
you're gonna start pouring the sangrias
a little too
a little too
a little too heavy and a
little too long
heavy and a little too long
heavy and a little too long and I
didn't think I was that drunk but
and I didn't think I was that drunk but
and I didn't think I was that drunk but
you stopped watching the gate and then
you stopped watching the gate and then
you stopped watching the gate and
then all of a sudden little Kelsey is now
all of a sudden little Kelsey is now
all of a sudden little Kelsey is now
bobbing around a little blue bobber that
bobbing around a little blue bobber that
bobbing around a little blue bobber that
afternoon
afternoon
afternoon right beside the
pool noodles and
gonna
gonna
gonna fire up the jet ski and
fire up the jet ski and
fire up the jet ski and zip Sarah around
the lake and you didn't
zip Sarah around the lake and you didn't
zip Sarah around the lake and you didn't
think you were that drunk and now she's
think you were that drunk and now she's
think you were that drunk and now
she's all wrapped up in the propeller
maybe that Asian
student that was paying
maybe that Asian student that was paying
maybe that Asian student that was
paying attention could figure out nerve
attention could figure out nerve
attention could figure out nerve
propellers if you donate her to science
I don't know where
you guys are from and
I don't know where you guys are from and
I don't know where you guys
are from and I don't give a [ ] but
I don't give a [] but
I don't give a [] but wherever you're
going back to I'm sure
wherever you're going back to I'm sure
wherever you're going back to I'm sure
I'm booked there
I'm booked there
I'm booked there
eventually whatever
eventually whatever
eventually whatever horrible it's so
weird to to be
horrible it's so weird to to be
horrible it's so weird to to be filming
this at the plaza because I have
filming this at the plaza because I have
filming this at the plaza because I have
been coming here
been coming here
been coming here by choice
by choice
by choice since before I even
did comedy this is
since before I even did comedy this is
since before I even did comedy this
is my this is my place this is my old
my this is my place this is my old
my this is my place this is my old
school Vegas
school Vegas
school Vegas place
place
place and []
and []
and [] oscars
oscars
oscars steakhouse and
steakhouse and
steakhouse and even the worst parts
of it I have to go
even the worst parts of it I have to go
even the worst parts of it I have to go
I
I
I that's the reason
I come here it's
that's the reason I come here it's
that's the reason I come here it's vintage
[] Vegas
vintage [] Vegas
vintage [] Vegas I
don't get to
I don't get to
I don't get to normally play any
place that I want to
normally play any place that I want to
normally play any place that I want to
be
be
be or you want to
be at the same time
I usually have to
play where you live
I usually have to play where you live
I usually have to play where you live
and you're stuck
and you're stuck
and you're stuck and then I'm
stuck there with you
and then I'm stuck there with you
and then I'm stuck there with
you playing in some [ ] mall
playing in some [] mall
playing in some [] mall
in a s
in a s
in a s some hideous
some hideous
some hideous city
city
city I just I I had
to I ate at an outback
I just I I had to I ate at an outback
I just I I had to I ate at an outback
steakhouse last week
steakhouse last week
steakhouse last week in a
[] mall
in a [] mall
in a [] mall and there was
people there like are you
and there was people there like are you
and there was people there like are you a
comic too cause
a comic too cause
a comic too cause unless you're stuck
and that's the only
unless you're stuck and that's the only
unless you're stuck and that's the only
thing walking distance why would you be
thing walking distance why would you be
thing walking distance why would you be
in here
in here
in here outback steakhouse
couldn't be less
outback steakhouse couldn't be less
outback steakhouse couldn't be
less authentic if jim jeffries was your
authentic if jim jeffries was your
authentic if jim jeffries was your
waiter
sorry jim
sorry jim
sorry jim I had to do it
I had to do it
I had to do it but that's what I
do for a living I come
but that's what I do for a living I come
but that's what I do for a living I come
visit you in [ ] horrible places and
visit you in []
horrible places and
visit you in [ ] horrible places and
then I'm stuck there for at least a day
then I'm stuck there for at least a day
then I'm stuck there for at least a
day usually at a an airport hotels a
usually at a an airport hotels a
usually at a an airport hotels a mid-range
like 2.5 star
mid-range like 2.5 star
mid-range like 2.5 star
beige-ish brownish
beige-ish brownish
beige-ish brownish
salmon colored
salmon colored
salmon colored in it's always an
in like a days inn or
in it's always an in like a days inn or
in it's always an in like a days inn
or a comfort inn or a quality inn and
a comfort inn or a quality inn and
a comfort inn or a quality inn
and they're all in a [ ] row
they're all in a [] row
they're all in a [] row and
and
and you walk in and
it's full of mid-range
you walk in and it's full of mid-range
you walk in and it's full of mid-range 2.5
star folks doing
2.5 star folks doing
2.5 star folks doing dumb [] oh
it's a dance moms
dumb [] oh it's a dance moms
dumb [ ] oh it's a dance moms
competition this weekend and there's a
competition this weekend and there's a
competition this weekend and there's
a bunch of kids and ballerina outfits and
bunch of kids and ballerina outfits and
bunch of kids and ballerina outfits and
[]
[]
[] I'm using my
roller bag as a cane
I'm using my roller bag as a cane
I'm using my roller bag as a cane coming in
shit-faced and there's kids
coming in shit-faced and there's kids
coming in shit-faced and there's kids
pressing every button on the elevator
pressing every button on the elevator
pressing every button on the elevator
because their parents can't afford six
because their parents can't afford six
because their parents can't afford
six flags so this is a thrill ride for the
flags so this is a thrill ride for the
flags so this is a thrill ride for the kid
to go up and down and you go don't
kid to go up and down and you go don't
kid to go up and down and you go don't
hit the kid don't hit the kid it's not
hit the kid don't hit the kid it's not
hit the kid don't hit the kid it's not
your kid if if you had your own kid you
your kid if if you had your own kid you
your kid if if you had your own kid
you could beat your kid in effigy of that
could beat your kid in effigy of that
could beat your kid in effigy of that
kid but it's not your kid so don't hit
kid but it's not your kid so don't hit
kid but it's not your kid so don't hit
the kid
the kid
the kid talk to the businessman
talk to the businessman
talk to the businessman with the []
lanyard there's an old
with the []
lanyard there's an old
with the [ ] lanyard there's an old
conventioneer business [ ] you look
conventioneer business
[] you look
conventioneer business [ ] you look
like Mitch McConnell and you have really
like Mitch McConnell and you have really
like Mitch McConnell and you have really
bad small talk but a very large lanyard
bad small talk but a very large lanyard
bad small talk but a very large lanyard
they wear big lanyards around there
they wear big lanyards around there
they wear big lanyards around there
northeast Arkansas assembly of special
northeast Arkansas assembly of special
northeast Arkansas assembly of special
needs educators
needs educators
needs educators yeah
yeah
yeah well you need
a [] backstage pass
well you need a
[] backstage pass
well you need a [ ] backstage
pass that size to get into that 830 a.m ted
that size to get into that 830 a.m ted
that size to get into that 830 a.m ted talk
are you kidding
talk are you kidding
talk are you kidding I stole a
croissant off your table in
I stole a croissant off your table in
I stole a croissant off your table in
front of that [ ] banquet room and I
front of that []
banquet room and I
front of that [ ] banquet room
and I didn't need a pass I just stole the
didn't need a pass I just stole the
didn't need a pass I just stole
the [ ] thing I think you're so
[] thing I think you're so
[] thing I think you're so
important
important
important you wake up in
the morning and you're
you wake up in the morning and you're
you wake up in the morning and you're
fighting old people for some humid lobby
fighting old people for some humid lobby
fighting old people for some
humid lobby waffle in the morning
waffle in the morning
waffle in the morning before they
shut it down
before they shut it down
before they shut it down and then I go to
the show after a day of
and then I go to the show after a day of
and then I go to the show after a day of
reading
reading
reading tweets from
you [] animals
pre-gaming for the
Doug stanhope show
pre-gaming for the Doug stanhope show
pre-gaming for the Doug stanhope show
tonight in des moines and it's a picture
tonight in des moines and it's a picture
tonight in des moines and it's a picture
of you drinking wild turkey at 10 in the
of you drinking wild turkey at 10 in the
of you drinking wild turkey at 10 in the
morning oh you're gonna be a treasure to
morning oh you're gonna be a treasure to
morning oh you're gonna be a treasure
to deal with at [ ] 930 at night
deal with at [] 930 at night
deal with at [ ] 930 at night
and then it's just a fist fight shut the
and then it's just a fist fight shut the
and then it's just a fist fight shut the [
] up yelling at you and I get back to
[] up
yelling at you and I get back to
[ ] up yelling at you and I get
back to my beige brown salmon colored
my beige brown salmon colored
my beige brown salmon colored
hotel and the final insult as you get to
hotel and the final insult as you get to
hotel and the final insult as you
get to your room and your key card
[ ] you [ ] red light red
[] you [] red light red
[ ] you [ ] red light red
light red light you [ ] red red red
light red light you
[] red red red
light red light you [ ] red red
red green light oh no god damn it
green light oh no god damn it
green light oh no god damn it and
then I stomp back like a giant baby
and then I stomp back like a giant baby
and then I stomp back like a giant
baby down to the front desk you [ ]
down to the front desk you []
down to the front desk you [ ]
and I just explode all of this [ ] all
and I just explode all of
this [] all
and I just explode all of this [ ] all
over some night auditor my key card
over some night auditor my key card
over some night auditor my key card
doesn't work again
doesn't work again
doesn't work again big
[] screaming baby
big [] screaming baby
big [] screaming baby I'm sorry sir
did did you have it near
I'm sorry sir did did you have it near
I'm sorry sir did did you have it near
your cell phone or your credit card at
your cell phone or your credit card at
your cell phone or your credit card at
any point
any point
any point probably
probably
probably yeah everyone's
got cell phones and
yeah everyone's got cell phones and
yeah everyone's got cell phones and
credit cards everywhere and what do you
credit cards everywhere and what do you
credit cards everywhere and what do
you mean by near my cell phone or credit
mean by near my cell phone or credit
mean by near my cell phone or credit
card if it's here is that near that and
card if it's here is that near that and
card if it's here is that near that and
what's the radius and you know what my
what's the radius and you know what my
what's the radius and you know what my cell
phone and my
cell phone and my
cell phone and my credit cards still
work so what the []
credit cards still work so
what the []
credit cards still work so what the
[ ] is wrong with your key card
sir if you just
calm down I'm I'm trying
sir if you just calm down I'm I'm trying
sir if you just calm down I'm I'm trying
to help you
to help you
to help you what's your name
and your room number
what's your name and your room number
what's your name and your room number
stanhope
stanhope
stanhope 217.
Clack clack crack
crack crack crack
clack clack crack crack crack crack
clack clack crack crack crack crack
sir I'm sorry
sir I'm sorry
sir I'm sorry there's no
one by that name
there's no one by that name
there's no one by that name in
this hotel
in this hotel
in this hotel look at the
key card your []
look at the key card your []
look at the key card your [ ]
Hampton in it's next door you all look
Hampton in it's next door you all look
Hampton in it's next door you all look
the same
the same
the same [] you I
am not apologizing you all
[] you I
am not apologizing you all
[ ] you I am not apologizing
you all looked a goddamn same
looked a goddamn same
looked a goddamn same [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] I prefer
a one-star hotel
I prefer a one-star hotel
I prefer a one-star hotel I really do
I'm more comfortable a
I really do I'm more comfortable a
I really do I'm more comfortable a one-star
motel the old-school
one-star motel the old-school
one-star motel the old-school
motor lodge you know the like route 66
motor lodge you know the like route 66
motor lodge you know the like route 66
[] the u-shaped
[] the u-shaped
[] the u-shaped one story you just
bag has got a pool in
one story you just bag has got a pool in
one story you just bag has got a pool
in the middle of the driveway that's no
the middle of the driveway that's no
the middle of the driveway that's
no longer a pool it's full of cement and
longer a pool it's full of cement and
longer a pool it's full of cement and
some old police tape around it and you
some old police tape around it and you
some old police tape around it and
you just back your van this close to the
just back your van this close to the
just back your van this close to the
motel room door and you just hurl your
motel room door and you just hurl your
motel room door and you just hurl your
[ ] inside you don't have to interact
[] inside
you don't have to interact
[ ] inside you don't have to interact
with people just leave me the buck alone
with people just leave me the buck alone
with people just leave me the buck alone
I look for my lodging based on the one
I look for my lodging based on the one
I look for my lodging based on the one
star review
star review
star review because a one star
review will tell you
because a one star review will tell you
because a one star review will tell
you things that you're secretly looking for
things that you're secretly looking for
things that you're secretly looking
for that the proprietor could not openly
that the proprietor could not openly
that the proprietor could not openly
promote
one star I didn't
get a wink sleep in
one star I didn't get a wink sleep in
one star I didn't get a wink sleep in
this place because it's attached to a
this place because it's attached to a
this place because it's attached to a
dive bar that's open until four o'clock
dive bar that's open until four o'clock
dive bar that's open until four o'clock
in the morning
in the morning
in the morning complete
purchase now
complete purchase now
complete purchase now [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] this is no place
for children no place
this is no place for children no place
this is no place for children no place
is a place for children except maybe a
is a place for children except maybe a
is a place for children except maybe
a you know a cat carrier and a storage
you know a cat carrier and a storage
you know a cat carrier and a storage unit
that'd be fine
I think they
were running prostitutes
I think they were running prostitutes
I think they were running
prostitutes out of the room next door
one star the
entire place reeked of
one star the entire place reeked of
one star the entire place reeked of stale
cigarette smoke
stale cigarette smoke
stale cigarette smoke oddly that's my
cologne I wear it daily
oddly that's my cologne I wear it daily
oddly that's my cologne I wear it
daily and if it already stinks like that I
and if it already stinks like that I
and if it already stinks like that I
don't have to worry about that [ ]
don't have to worry about
that []
don't have to worry about that [ ]
250 dollar cleaning fee if you smoke in
250 dollar cleaning fee if you smoke in
250 dollar cleaning fee if you smoke
in the room initial here oh don't worry
the room initial here oh don't worry
the room initial here oh don't worry
lady I will be smoking in that room
lady I will be smoking in that room
lady I will be smoking in that room
but I'll it'll be fine because when I
but I'll it'll be fine because when I
but I'll it'll be fine because when I
get home from that [ ] ugly show I'm
get home from that
[] ugly show I'm
get home from that [ ] ugly show I'm
gonna put a wet towel under the door I'm
gonna put a wet towel under the door I'm
gonna put a wet towel under the door
I'm gonna chain smoke cigarettes while I
gonna chain smoke cigarettes while I
gonna chain smoke cigarettes while I
ignore
ignore
ignore missed calls from
friends that I don't
missed calls from friends that I don't
missed calls from friends that I don't
keep in touch with anymore and [ ]
keep in touch with anymore
and []
keep in touch with anymore and [ ]
regret my life and uh in the morning I'm
regret my life and uh in the morning I'm
regret my life and uh in the morning
I'm going to check out a bit early and what
going to check out a bit early and what
going to check out a bit early and what
I'm going to do is I'm going to stuff a
I'm going to do is I'm going to stuff a
I'm going to do is I'm going to stuff a
giant rotted catfish
giant rotted catfish
giant rotted catfish into your microwave
unit and I'm going
into your microwave unit and I'm going
into your microwave unit and I'm
going to set that for about 45 minutes
to set that for about 45 minutes
to set that for about 45 minutes I'm gonna
shuffle off to breakfast
I'm gonna shuffle off to breakfast
I'm gonna shuffle off to breakfast
and while that beast of burden slowly
and while that beast of burden slowly
and while that beast of burden
slowly explodes and blisters and
explodes and blisters and
explodes and blisters and bleeds and burns
onto the walls of that
bleeds and burns onto the walls of that
bleeds and burns onto the walls
of that microwave unit I'll be dining
microwave unit I'll be dining
microwave unit I'll be dining
comfortably in the knowledge that you're
comfortably in the knowledge that you're
comfortably in the knowledge that you're
never gonna be able to smell cigarettes
never gonna be able to smell cigarettes
never gonna be able to smell cigarettes in
that room again
in that room again
in that room again we'll all
be just fine
and before you ask
well where do you get
and before you ask well where do you get
and before you ask well where do you get
a giant
a giant
a giant dead rotted catfish
dead rotted catfish
dead rotted catfish every night
on the road
every night on the road
every night on the road it's
in my rider
I don't ask for a lot
I don't ask for a lot
I don't ask for a lot I'll eat
the green m m's
I'll eat the green m m's
I'll eat the green m m's I just want
some plastic jug vodka some
I just want some plastic jug vodka some
I just want some plastic jug vodka
some muddy bears and a giant
dead catfish and or
carp cause I'm not
dead catfish and or carp cause I'm not
dead catfish and or carp cause
I'm not picky I'm not a brand [ ]
picky I'm not a brand []
picky I'm not a brand [] except
for the muddy bears
gay cousin Eric came
on the road with us
gay cousin Eric came on the road with us
gay cousin Eric came on the road with us
once
once
once and uh
and uh
and uh hey
hey
hey gay cousin Eric you
get a fan out there
gay cousin Eric you get a fan out there
gay cousin Eric you get a fan out there
somewhere
somewhere
somewhere he is turning 21
and he thought it would
he is turning 21 and he thought it would
he is turning 21 and he thought it would
be exciting to do a tour for a week on
be exciting to do a tour for a week on
be exciting to do a tour for a week on
the road with us because he had some I
the road with us because he had some I
the road with us because he had some
I don't know what you even imagined the
don't know what you even imagined the
don't know what you even imagined
the road is like but it's not that like if
road is like but it's not that like if
road is like but it's not that like if you
have like high
you have like high
you have like high no
no
no but gay cousin Eric
is 21 and he thought
but gay cousin Eric is 21 and he thought
but gay cousin Eric is 21 and he
thought it's all gonna be like you know
it's all gonna be like you know
it's all gonna be like you know
strippers and after parties and [ ]
strippers and after parties
and []
strippers and after parties and [ ]
penthouse suites and plates of blow in
penthouse suites and plates of blow in
penthouse suites and plates of blow in
the green room and Eric we don't even
the green room and Eric we don't even
the green room and Eric we don't even
have a green room half the time when
have a green room half the time when
have a green room half the time
when we're playing the middle of this pig
we're playing the middle of this pig
we're playing the middle of this
pig country a lot of times we're just
country a lot of times we're just
country a lot of times we're just
sitting in the van at the fire exit in
sitting in the van at the fire exit in
sitting in the van at the fire exit
in the back alley of some [ ]
the back alley of some []
the back alley of some [] gin joint
road house place
gin joint road house place
gin joint road house place staring at our
shoes that's what we do
staring at our shoes that's what we do
staring at our shoes that's what we
do on the road we stare at our [ ]
on the road we stare
at our []
on the road we stare at our [ ]
shoes yell at people get back in the van
shoes yell at people get back in the van
shoes yell at people get back in the
van after about three days of dead silence
after about three days of dead silence
after about three days of dead silence
no one talks in the van you wake up you
no one talks in the van you wake up you
no one talks in the van you wake up
you get in stare at your shoes Greg chaley
get in stare at your shoes Greg chaley
get in stare at your shoes Greg chaley
will put on a podcast of a comedian that
will put on a podcast of a comedian that
will put on a podcast of a comedian
that you hate so you can silently judge him
you hate so you can silently judge him
you hate so you can silently judge
him as you sweat out alcoholic remorse
and gay cousin eric's
all happy oh we're
and gay cousin eric's all happy oh we're
and gay cousin eric's all happy oh we're
going to Chicago can we go to wrigley
going to Chicago can we go to wrigley
going to Chicago can we go to wrigley
field do you think that we could uh go
field do you think that we could uh go
field do you think that we could uh
go to the blues hall of fame I go no we
to the blues hall of fame I go no we
to the blues hall of fame I go no we don't
we don't do
don't we don't do
don't we don't do things
and I remember that
Chicago gig we were
and I remember that Chicago gig we were
and I remember that Chicago gig we were
staying on the outer loop of Chicago in
staying on the outer loop of Chicago in
staying on the outer loop of Chicago
in one of these jalopy motels and it's like
one of these jalopy motels and it's like
one of these jalopy motels and it's
like 530 at night still no one's talking
530 at night still no one's talking
530 at night still no one's talking
we're eating some gas station pizza
we're eating some gas station pizza
we're eating some gas station pizza nothing
we're not hungry
nothing we're not hungry
nothing we're not hungry it's just at that
hour you have to throw
it's just at that hour you have to throw
it's just at that hour you have to throw
some kind of wet doughy substance down
some kind of wet doughy substance down
some kind of wet doughy substance down
your neck
your neck
your neck just to slow up
the flow of the alcohol
just to slow up the flow of the alcohol
just to slow up the flow of the alcohol
that's about to be dumped your way at
that's about to be dumped your way at
that's about to be dumped your way at
show time as a prophylactic measure this
show time as a prophylactic measure this
show time as a prophylactic measure this
is it's
is it's
is it's it's the same
way you would sandbag
it's the same way you would sandbag
it's the same way you would sandbag
before a flood
before a flood
before a flood it's not
aesthetics it's for safety
it's not aesthetics it's for safety
it's not aesthetics it's for safety
so we're jamming pizza in our head
so we're jamming pizza in our head
so we're jamming pizza in our head
quietly
quietly
quietly and gay cousin Eric
and gay cousin Eric
and gay cousin Eric it was one of
those moments where I just
it was one of those moments where I just
it was one of those moments where I just
saw the exact moment where all his hopes
saw the exact moment where all his hopes
saw the exact moment where all his hopes
and ambitions for this fun on this tour
and ambitions for this fun on this tour
and ambitions for this fun on this
tour just dropped out of his face like his
just dropped out of his face like his
just dropped out of his face like his
face
face
face fell you know
when like you do
fell you know when like you do
fell you know when like you do
hallucinogens with a a buddy and you can
hallucinogens with a a buddy and you can
hallucinogens with a a buddy and you
can have an entire dialogue with just one
have an entire dialogue with just one
have an entire dialogue with just one
glance just one look on your face you've
glance just one look on your face you've
glance just one look on your face
you've spoken volumes you're just like
and you know
every single thing that
and you know every single thing that
and you know every single thing that
you're but this was the opposite with
you're but this was the opposite with
you're but this was the opposite with
Eric because it was a negative where I
Eric because it was a negative where I
Eric because it was a negative
where I just saw him look up at me like
just it was that
subtle but I know what
just it was that subtle but I know what
just it was that subtle but I know what
he meant
he meant
he meant and uh it's not
gonna get better Eric
and uh it's not gonna get better Eric
and uh it's not gonna get better Eric
keep in mind Eric gay cousin Eric was
keep in mind Eric gay cousin Eric was
keep in mind Eric gay cousin Eric
was not my cousin he he's at that time he
not my cousin he he's at that time he
not my cousin he he's at that time he
was my brother's
was my brother's
was my brother's my
brother's then wife's
my brother's then wife's
my brother's then wife's now ex-wife but
her her nephew not even
now ex-wife but her her nephew not even
now ex-wife but her her nephew not
even close to related he's not even really
close to related he's not even really
close to related he's not even really
gay we we called him gay cousin Eric to
gay we we called him gay cousin Eric to
gay we we called him gay cousin Eric
to hide the fact that he was Jewish that
hide the fact that he was Jewish that
hide the fact that he was Jewish that was
the running joke
so I'm not really
invested in how much
so I'm not really invested in how much
so I'm not really invested in how much
of a good time Eric is or is not having
of a good time Eric is or is not having
of a good time Eric is or is not having
but at that moment he had pizza sauce on
but at that moment he had pizza sauce on
but at that moment he had pizza sauce
on his face and he just reached down and
his face and he just reached down and
his face and he just reached down and
grabbed a hand towel off the carpet and
grabbed a hand towel off the carpet and
grabbed a hand towel off the carpet
and my reflexes were not quick enough to
my reflexes were not quick enough to
my reflexes were not quick enough
to stop this from happening so in slow
stop this from happening so in slow
stop this from happening so in slow
motion I'm going
motion I'm going
motion I'm going oh
oh
oh no
no
no [Music]
whoa
whoa
whoa [Music]
[Music]
[Music] no Eric now
no Eric now
no Eric now Eric you you never
use the face cloth
Eric you you never use the face cloth
Eric you you never use the face
cloth that's underneath the laptop
that's underneath the laptop
that's underneath the laptop in a
comedian's motel room
in a comedian's motel room
in a comedian's motel room oh
oh you're gay now cousin Eric
oh you're gay now cousin Eric
oh you're gay now cousin Eric oh
you're so gay
oh you're so gay
oh you're so gay now I bet
there's a one-star review
now I bet there's a one-star review
now I bet there's a one-star review
about that motel from gay cousin Eric
about that motel from gay cousin Eric
about that motel from gay cousin Eric
now
now
now the linens
were really crusty
exfoliating but ugh
I would guess
at this point probably
I would guess at this point probably
I would guess at this point probably
three quarters of the email I get are
three quarters of the email I get are
three quarters of the email I get are
survey
survey
survey spam basically like
everything you buy
spam basically like everything you buy
spam basically like everything you
buy every [ ] service you get somehow
every []
service you get somehow
every [ ] service you get somehow
they have my email address and they want
they have my email address and they want
they have my email address and they
want to know hey how about some feedback
to know hey how about some feedback
to know hey how about some feedback
your oil changed to give us some
your oil changed to give us some
your oil changed to give us some
feedback the cable guy came to your
feedback the cable guy came to your
feedback the cable guy came to your
house and how was your experience and
house and how was your experience and
house and how was your experience
and [ ] every amazon purchase you make
[] every
amazon purchase you make
[] every
amazon purchase you make right
right
right take a few minutes
and write a review
take a few minutes and write a review
take a few minutes and write a review
why buy way too much [ ] from amazon to
why buy way too much
[] from amazon to
why buy way too much [ ] from amazon
to right take a few minutes every [ ]
Right take a few minutes
every []
right take a few minutes every [ ]
purchase like cocktail straws here these
purchase like cocktail straws here these
purchase like cocktail straws here these
plastic cocktail straws because they're
plastic cocktail straws because they're
plastic cocktail straws because they're
disappearing so I'm stockpiling them
disappearing so I'm stockpiling them
disappearing so I'm stockpiling
them they're replacing them
they're replacing them
they're replacing them with []
bamboo paper []
With [] bamboo paper []
With [] bamboo paper [] no I'm
not putting I'm not gonna
no I'm not putting I'm not gonna
no I'm not putting I'm not gonna
disrespect a cocktail with some [ ]
disrespect a cocktail with
some []
disrespect a cocktail with some [
I paper straw that's just gonna flatten
paper straw that's just gonna flatten
paper straw that's just gonna flatten
out
out
out [Music]
[Music]
[Music] so I buy these
like a dollar ninety-nine
so I buy these like a dollar ninety-nine
so I buy these like a dollar ninety-nine
for a thousand from china with no
for a thousand from china with no
for a thousand from china with no
shipping charge I don't know how that's
shipping charge I don't know how that's
shipping charge I don't know how that's
humanly possible to send me a thousand
humanly possible to send me a thousand
humanly possible to send me a thousand but
then you get
but then you get
but then you get repeated
repeated
repeated [] amazon spam
hey tell us about
[] amazon
spam hey tell us about
[ ] amazon spam hey tell us about
your purchase share with our customers
your purchase share with our customers
your purchase share with our customers
your review of [ ] plastic cocktail
your review of
[] plastic cocktail
your review of [ ] plastic cocktail
straws really how could I really make
straws really how could I really make
straws really how could I really make
that interesting I'm gonna take it and
that interesting I'm gonna take it and
that interesting I'm gonna take it and
when you don't they go you must have
when you don't they go you must have
when you don't they go you must have
forgot
forgot
forgot I didn't forget I
said [] you no
I didn't forget I said
[] you no
I didn't forget I said [ ] you no
not a I'm not a cocktail straw reviewer
not a I'm not a cocktail straw reviewer
not a I'm not a cocktail straw reviewer
how desperate is everybody for some
how desperate is everybody for some
how desperate is everybody for
some review pat on the back star
review pat on the back star
review pat on the back star it's like if
you were getting your dick
it's like if you were getting your dick
it's like if you were getting your dick
sucked
sucked
sucked I'm getting my
[] sucked and every
I'm getting my []
sucked and every
I'm getting my [ ] sucked
and every stroke they stop oh oh
stroke they stop oh oh
stroke they stop oh oh is
that okay
is that okay
is that okay is that right
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] if there's anything
you want me to do
if there's anything you want me to do
if there's anything you want me
to do different tell me I'm open to
different tell me I'm open to
different tell me I'm open to
suggestions
would you recommend
it to a friend
on a scale from
one to five five being
on a scale from one to five five being
on a scale from one to five five
being the best very satisfied somewhat
the best very satisfied somewhat
the best very satisfied somewhat
satisfied dissatisfied
satisfied dissatisfied
satisfied dissatisfied [Music]
[Music]
[Music] and I'm just laying
back there going sir
and I'm just laying back there going sir
and I'm just laying back there going
sir if I didn't like it I would have shown
if I didn't like it I would have shown
if I didn't like it I would have shown
you to the door just [ ] man up and
you to the door just
[] man up and
you to the door just [] man up and
finish the job
if I have some beef
if I have some beef
if I have some beef with a big
corporation I'm not going to
with a big corporation I'm not going to
with a big corporation I'm not going to
waste that grievance in an email I am
waste that grievance in an email I am
waste that grievance in an email I am
going to call the 800 number old school
going to call the 800 number old school
going to call the 800 number old school
because I want the human connection
because I want the human connection
because I want the human connection
where I can hear the tears on the other
where I can hear the tears on the other
where I can hear the tears on the other end
of the phone
end of the phone
end of the phone when I
bellow at them
when I bellow at them
when I bellow at them because I wake
up hating myself and want
because I wake up hating myself and want
because I wake up hating myself and want
to blame the rest of the world and I use
to blame the rest of the world and I use
to blame the rest of the world and
I use that as an outlet and I don't
that as an outlet and I don't
that as an outlet and I don't
target
target
target Indian call centers
it's just they're
the ones invariably
it's just they're the ones invariably
it's just they're the ones invariably who
answer the phone anymore when you're
who answer the phone anymore when you're
who answer the phone anymore
when you're angry at a corporation
angry at a corporation
angry at a corporation and you want to
give them [] they
and you want to give
them [] they
and you want to give them [ ] they
transfer all the [ ] calls to some poor
transfer all the []
calls to some poor
transfer all the [ ] calls to some
poor [ ] India and I don't want to rain
[] India
and I don't want to rain
[] India and I don't want to rain on
their already dreary parade
on their already dreary parade
on their already dreary parade but
even when I try not to they [ ] it
but even when I try not
to they [] it
but even when I try not to
they [ ] it up just in the
up just in the
up just in the greeting
when she says
thank you for calling
when she says thank you for calling
when she says thank you for calling
directv
directv
directv my name is
my name is
my name is Madison how may I
help you no no it's
Madison how may I help you no no it's
Madison how may I help you no no it's
not
not
not your name's not Madison
your name's not Madison
your name's not Madison nobody in Mumbai
India is named Madison
nobody in Mumbai India is named Madison
nobody in Mumbai India is named
Madison I haven't even opened my mouth and
I haven't even opened my mouth and
I haven't even opened my mouth and you've
already lied to me
you've already lied to me
you've already lied to me on
the phone
on the phone
on the phone tell me your real
[] name I am a
tell me your real
[] name I am a
tell me your real [ ] name I am a
long-term goddamn customer I have 19
long-term goddamn customer I have 19
long-term goddamn customer I have 19
direct tv boxes so I can get every game
direct tv boxes so I can get every game
direct tv boxes so I can get every game
at my house because I have to buy my
at my house because I have to buy my
at my house because I have to buy my
friends and I deserve more respect than
friends and I deserve more respect than
friends and I deserve more respect than
for you to open a phone call lying to my
for you to open a phone call lying to my
for you to open a phone call lying to
my [ ] face tell me your real goddamn
[] face
tell me your real goddamn
[] face tell
me your real goddamn name
just on that I
don't even remember the
just on that I don't even remember the
just on that I don't even remember
the reason I called to begin with now it's
reason I called to begin with now it's
reason I called to begin with now it's
just give me your [ ] real name on
just give me your
[] real name on
just give me your []
real name on principle
principle
principle and I just and
when the anger tactic
and I just and when the anger tactic
and I just and when the anger tactic
doesn't get the results I'm looking for
doesn't get the results I'm looking for
doesn't get the results I'm looking for
then I come in soft good cop bad cop
then I come in soft good cop bad cop
then I come in soft good cop bad cop
hey mad die
listen
listen
listen I know the game
I know the game
I know the game I understand the
racket you live in a
I understand the racket you live in a
I understand the racket you live in
a poor country it's hard to feed your
poor country it's hard to feed your
poor country it's hard to feed your
family yeah you had to take this [ ]
family yeah you had to
take this []
family yeah you had to take this [ ]
job at a call center to make ends meet
job at a call center to make ends meet
job at a call center to make ends meet
your own name is unpronounceable in the
your own name is unpronounceable in the
your own name is unpronounceable in
the English language they made you pick a
English language they made you pick a
English language they made you pick
a stripper name out of a training manual
I get it you
picked Madison there's
I get it you picked Madison there's
I get it you picked Madison there's
nothing wrong with that but mad die I'm
nothing wrong with that but mad die I'm
nothing wrong with that but mad
die I'm not a customer right now
not a customer right now
not a customer right now right now
I'm your friend
right now I'm your friend
right now I'm your friend we're two
human beings sharing one
we're two human beings sharing one
we're two human beings sharing one
honest moment on a telephone line so be
honest moment on a telephone line so be
honest moment on a telephone line
so be my friend and be honest with me
my friend and be honest with me
my friend and be honest with me what's
your real name
my
my
my my name is
Madison you're a
[] lying pig
Madison you're a [] lying pig
Madison you're a [] lying pig how
[] dare you
how [] dare you
how [] dare you I know
where you live
I know where you live
I know where you live I'm a goddamn
American I'll have your
I'm a goddamn American I'll have your
I'm a goddamn American I'll have your
village bombed
village bombed
village bombed send
in the drones
send in the drones
send in the drones the call invariably
ends with I hope you
the call invariably ends with I hope you
the call invariably ends with I hope you
get gang-raped
no because I want
her to know that I
no because I want her to know that I
no because I want her to know that
I have some insight into her culture
because that's how they do
because that's how they do
because that's how they do in the
India that's a thing
in the India that's a thing
in the India that's a thing it's what they
have to deal with
it's what they have to deal with
it's what they have to deal with Indian men
gang rape it's
Indian men gang rape it's
Indian men gang rape it's sad and
it's savage and
sad and it's savage and
sad and it's savage and because
Indian men
because Indian men
because Indian men are not
are not
are not strong enough
strong enough
strong enough to rape
to rape
to rape by themselves it's
by themselves it's
by themselves it's it's
physiology or
it's physiology or
it's physiology or
sociology it's
sociology it's
sociology it's it's [] science
you get your ged
it's []
science you get your ged
it's [ ] science you get your ged
and come debate me but it's it's true
and come debate me but it's it's true
and come debate me but it's it's true
Indian men don't have the upper body
Indian men don't have the upper body
Indian men don't have the upper body
strength
strength
strength to pin and submit
do you ever see a
Indian dude in the ufc
do you ever see a Indian dude in the ufc
do you ever see a Indian dude in the ufc
no
no
no you never will
you never will
you never will unless he's
a ring girl
that's why they
created their god vishnu
that's why they created their god vishnu
that's why they created their
god vishnu with so many arms
with so many arms
with so many arms to represent
to represent
to represent what it would take
what it would take
what it would take for
even their god
for even their god
for even their god to be able
to take a lady down
to be able to take a lady down
to be able to take a lady down
alone
alone
alone I don't
I don't
I don't don't take this the
wrong way I'm saying
don't take this the wrong way I'm saying
don't take this the wrong way I'm saying
Indian men
Indian men
Indian men are basically
are basically
are basically the women
the women
the women of men
in that they
in that they
in that they like if there were
no women Indian men
like if there were no women Indian men
like if there were no women Indian
men would be the ones that you'd want to
would be the ones that you'd want to
would be the ones that you'd want to make
the love at
hopefully
hopefully
hopefully like on a good
day yeah sometimes you're
like on a good day yeah sometimes you're
like on a good day yeah sometimes you're
going to get drunk and slum it with a
going to get drunk and slum it with a
going to get drunk and slum it with a
hipster but
hipster but
hipster but you're going to
be imagining him as an
you're going to be imagining him as an
you're going to be imagining him as
an Indian man underneath you because
Indian man underneath you because
Indian man underneath you because
because Indian men are the most
because Indian men are the most
because Indian men are the most
beautiful
beautiful
beautiful polite
polite
polite accommodating
accommodating
accommodating docile supple of
men they have that sick
docile supple of men they have that sick
docile supple of men they have that
sick silky thick black hair just dense
silky thick black hair just dense
silky thick black hair just dense
everywhere their whole head
everywhere their whole head
everywhere their whole head their whole
one eyebrow their back
their whole one eyebrow their back
their whole one eyebrow their
back soles of their feet legend has it
soles of their feet legend has it
soles of their feet legend has it
hair as thick as their head like a
hair as thick as their head like a
hair as thick as their head like a
slipper on the bottom of their feet
slipper on the bottom of their feet
slipper on the bottom of their feet skating
on sunshine
Indian men are
the most attractive of
Indian men are the most attractive of
Indian men are the most attractive of
men
men
men not to women
not to women
not to women hence the
rape problem
hence the rape problem
hence the rape problem with
their gang raping
with their gang raping
with their gang raping but
but
but [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] but I am a I'm
a dreamer I'm an idealist
but I am a I'm a dreamer I'm an idealist
but I am a I'm a dreamer I'm an idealist
I
I
I I like to believe
in a world where
I like to believe in a world where
I like to believe in a world where
everyone lives on a level playing field
everyone lives on a level playing field
everyone lives on a level playing field
where everybody's equal where an Indian
where everybody's equal where an Indian
where everybody's equal where an Indian man
could at least
man could at least
man could at least believe in himself
enough and have the
believe in himself enough and have the
believe in himself enough and have the
courage to
courage to
courage to at least try
at least try
at least try to rape solo
he couldn't do it like
he couldn't do it like
he couldn't do it like a panic
Indian guy tried to
rape you all by
Indian guy tried to rape you all by
Indian guy tried to rape you all
by himself in a dark parking lot
himself in a dark parking lot
himself in a dark parking lot
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] you would just
laugh like you're
you would just laugh like you're
you would just laugh like you're
laughing now
laughing now
laughing now and put your
hand on his forehead
and put your hand on his forehead
and put your hand on his forehead like when
your four-year-old nephew
like when your four-year-old nephew
like when your four-year-old nephew
tries to swing punches at you and you
tries to swing punches at you and you
tries to swing punches at you and
you just hold him out of arm's reach until
just hold him out of arm's reach until
just hold him out of arm's reach until
he tuckers himself out he gets all tired
he tuckers himself out he gets all tired
he tuckers himself out he gets all tired
and then you laugh and you go back to
and then you laugh and you go back to
and then you laugh and you go back
to easter dinner and everyone has a fine
easter dinner and everyone has a fine
easter dinner and everyone has a fine
time
time
time but at least
that guy had enough
but at least that guy had enough
but at least that guy had enough
self-esteem
self-esteem
self-esteem to make the attempt
to make the attempt
to make the attempt a community
lifted him up enough
a community lifted him up enough
a community lifted him up enough to
have this self-confidence
to have this self-confidence
to have this self-confidence to try because
nobody ever wants to die
to try because nobody ever wants to die
to try because nobody ever wants to die
thinking what if
at least he put it out there
at least he put it out there
at least he put it out there and
I'll be honest
and I'll be honest
and I'll be honest I don't know
I don't know
I don't know if
if
if this bit
this bit
this bit has a point
but if there is a point
but if there is a point
but if there is a point
it's this
it's this
it's this is it wrong to use
racism to try to stop
is it wrong to use racism to try to stop
is it wrong to use racism to try to stop
gang
rape and that's a
question for you to
rape and that's a question for you to
rape and that's a question for you to
answer
answer
answer individually
individually
individually [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] don't shoot the
messenger I put that on
don't shoot the messenger I put that on
don't shoot the messenger I put that on
you and you have to make the decision
you and you have to make the decision
you and you have to make the decision
which is right and which is wrong and
which is right and which is wrong and
which is right and which is wrong
and either answer you come up with
either answer you come up with
either answer you come up with you're a
[] []
You're either a
vulgar racist or you're
you're either a vulgar racist or you're
you're either a vulgar racist or you're a
gang rape apologist
a gang rape apologist
a gang rape apologist either way
you're sick in me
I can't believe
I performed for you
I can't believe I performed for you
I can't believe I performed for you
people
people
people [Applause]
hey this got full
hey this got full
hey this got full [Applause]
on the night of
Saturday may 25th I made
on the night of Saturday may 25th I made
on the night of Saturday may 25th I
made wildly inappropriate stereotypes
wildly inappropriate stereotypes
wildly inappropriate stereotypes
regarding Indian men that I thought were
regarding Indian men that I thought were
regarding Indian men that I thought were
set in confidence
set in confidence
set in confidence I hadn't
noticed the cameras the
I hadn't noticed the cameras the
I hadn't noticed the cameras the
microphone and the giant shrieking
microphone and the giant shrieking
microphone and the giant shrieking
audience
audience
audience yet still this
does not excuse
yet still this does not excuse
yet still this does not excuse me promoting
such a myopic denigration
me promoting such a myopic denigration
me promoting such a myopic denigration of a
country wonderfully rich in
of a country wonderfully rich in
of a country wonderfully rich in heritage
and humanity
heritage and humanity
heritage and humanity I hope this apology
will usher in a new
I hope this apology will usher in a new
I hope this apology will usher in a new
era
era
era of understanding and
open a dialogue
of understanding and open a dialogue
of understanding and open a dialogue
that allows
that allows
that allows all of us to grow
all of us to grow
all of us to grow [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] and rape jokes
are never funny
and rape jokes are never funny
and rape jokes are never funny you
cannot make jokes about rape because
you cannot make jokes about rape because
you cannot make jokes about rape because
at least the rape culture and rape jokes
at least the rape culture and rape jokes
at least the rape culture and rape jokes
are never funny
are never funny
are never funny that's the thing
if you're a new comic
that's the thing if you're a new comic
that's the thing if you're a new comic
in here and you're dealing with all that
in here and you're dealing with all that
in here and you're dealing with all that
[] []
[] []
[] [] just just ride
it out it's always gonna
just just ride it out it's always gonna
just just ride it out it's always gonna
be something I've been doing this since
be something I've been doing this since
be something I've been doing this
since 1990 and there's always a topic that
1990 and there's always a topic that
1990 and there's always a topic that
everyone decides now you can't when I
everyone decides now you can't when I
everyone decides now you can't when I
started in Vegas in 1990 at the dive bar
started in Vegas in 1990 at the dive bar
started in Vegas in 1990 at the dive bar
thank you
yeah that back to
1990 when I started
yeah that back to 1990 when I started
yeah that back to 1990 when I started
open mics it was aids jokes oh my god if
open mics it was aids jokes oh my god if
open mics it was aids jokes oh my god
if you ever mentioned aids on stage no
you ever mentioned aids on stage no
you ever mentioned aids on stage no
there's no
there's no
there's no funny thing it's
just awful and how dare
funny thing it's just awful and how dare
funny thing it's just awful and
how dare you you're contemptible
you you're contemptible
you you're contemptible and then
a decade later
and then a decade later
and then a decade later 911 jokes
you cannot mention 911 unless
911 jokes you cannot mention 911 unless
911 jokes you cannot mention 911 unless
you're doing some bogus uh let's take a
you're doing some bogus uh let's take a
you're doing some bogus uh let's
take a moment and a pause for the first
moment and a pause for the first
moment and a pause for the first
responders because it's a difficult time
responders because it's a difficult time
responders because it's a difficult time
we're going through
we're going through
we're going through yeah it was that
then look at those two
yeah it was that then look at those two
yeah it was that then look at those
two subjects now [ ] hilarious
subjects now [] hilarious
subjects now [] hilarious
write it out
if you bundled all
three of those topics
if you bundled all three of those topics
if you bundled all three of those topics
and you had the premise of like uh rogue
and you had the premise of like uh rogue
and you had the premise of like uh rogue
aids on airplanes flying into the twin
aids on airplanes flying into the twin
aids on airplanes flying into the
twin towers without their consent
towers without their consent
towers without their consent
like
like
like just the premise
gets a laugh without
just the premise gets a laugh without
just the premise gets a laugh without
even a
punchline let it go
it's always gonna be
punchline let it go it's always gonna be
punchline let it go it's always gonna be
something and someone's gonna always be
something and someone's gonna always be
something and someone's gonna always be
[] upset and
[] upset and
[] upset and I feel honestly I
feel like I lost a lot
I feel honestly I feel like I lost a lot
I feel honestly I feel like I lost a
lot of street cred with my people
of street cred with my people
of street cred with my people for not being
outed in the whole me too
for not being outed in the whole me too
for not being outed in the whole me too
movement I
I think a lot
of people were expecting
I think a lot of people were expecting
I think a lot of people were expecting
that and let down when it never happened
that and let down when it never happened
that and let down when it never happened
and I it's not like I don't have my
and I it's not like I don't have my
and I it's not like I don't have my
stories
stories
stories I
I
I I've yeah I had me tooted up
yeah
yeah
yeah that was me first
I tried to start that
that was me first I tried to start that
that was me first I tried to start that
hashtag when I was doing it about me
hashtag when I was doing it about me
hashtag when I was doing it about me
I mean first
I mean first
I mean first for the record I
was never in the uh
for the record I was never in the uh
for the record I was never in the uh
you know the the rape happy deep end of
you know the the rape happy deep end of
you know the the rape happy deep end of
that
that
that ugly part of
the me too swimming pool
ugly part of the me too swimming pool
ugly part of the me too swimming pool
with Harvey weinstein but in the shallow
with Harvey weinstein but in the shallow
with Harvey weinstein but in the
shallow end and the kiddie pool part that
end and the kiddie pool part that
end and the kiddie pool part that
pull your dick out in front of people
pull your dick out in front of people
pull your dick out in front of people
how many people haven't seen my dick at
how many people haven't seen my dick at
how many people haven't seen my dick at
this point
this point
this point half my career
that would be a go-to
half my career that would be a go-to
half my career that would be a go-to
thing if I couldn't remember my next bit
thing if I couldn't remember my next bit
thing if I couldn't remember my next
bit on stage I just pulled my dick out
on stage I just pulled my dick out
on stage I just pulled my dick out
hey take a polaroid picture with the
hey take a polaroid picture with the
hey take a polaroid picture with the
Jagermeister girls and five dollars yeah
Jagermeister girls and five dollars yeah
Jagermeister girls and five dollars yeah
I'm pulling my dick out I pulled my dick
I'm pulling my dick out I pulled my dick
I'm pulling my dick out I pulled my dick
out all the time I pulled my dick out in
out all the time I pulled my dick out in
out all the time I pulled my dick out in
front of Louis ck and there's a picture
front of Louis ck and there's a picture
front of Louis ck and there's a picture of
it in my book
I credit the predators
and unlike Louis ck
I didn't ask him
and unlike Louis ck I didn't ask him
and unlike Louis ck I didn't
ask him permission politely first
permission politely first
permission politely first just pulled my
dick up for a picture
I can't get me too
I had a friend of
I can't get me too I had a friend of
I can't get me too I had a friend of
mine a comedian named Alicia wood that
mine a comedian named Alicia wood that
mine a comedian named Alicia wood
that tried to me to me last year on twitter
tried to me to me last year on twitter
tried to me to me last year
on twitter with a story that only
with a story that only
with a story that only made
me think
made me think
made me think oh []
oh []
oh [] that story should
be in my act
that story should be in my act
that story should be in my act I forgot all
about it she just reminded
I forgot all about it she just reminded
I forgot all about it she just
reminded me of a hilarious story that I
me of a hilarious story that I
me of a hilarious story that I banked
away somewhere in some dead gray
banked away somewhere in some dead gray
banked away somewhere in some dead gray
synapse
synapse
synapse then I called
her up and I go
then I called her up and I go
then I called her up and I go what the
[] are you doing
what the [] are you doing
what the [ ] are you doing like
that story needs to be written long
like that story needs to be written long
like that story needs to be written long
form you can't there's so much meat to
form you can't there's so much meat to
form you can't there's so much meat
to that story now that I'm remembering it
that story now that I'm remembering it
that story now that I'm remembering
it you can't put that in a tweet so I'm
you can't put that in a tweet so I'm
you can't put that in a tweet
so I'm helping you write and edit
helping you write and edit
helping you write and edit my own
me too me story
my own me too me story
my own me too me story because it's
[] funny and she's
because it's []
funny and she's
because it's [] funny
and she's wasting it
the story is
the story is
the story is early 2000s
probably we're playing a
early 2000s probably we're playing a
early 2000s probably we're playing a
comedy club looney's in Colorado springs
comedy club looney's in Colorado springs
comedy club looney's in Colorado springs
and uh
and uh
and uh after the show
after the show
after the show some guys wanted
a picture with me and
some guys wanted a picture with me and
some guys wanted a picture with me
and back then again pulling my dick out was
back then again pulling my dick out was
back then again pulling my dick out was a
regular thing for me
a regular thing for me
a regular thing for me back
then that was
back then that was
back then that was cd days where you'd
have a cd you sold
cd days where you'd have a cd you sold
cd days where you'd have a cd you
sold after a show for five bucks for gas
after a show for five bucks for gas
after a show for five bucks for gas
money and I didn't people would say hey
money and I didn't people would say hey
money and I didn't people would say
hey will you sign it and I I go oh I don't
will you sign it and I I go oh I don't
will you sign it and I I go oh I don't
have a catch phrase like get her done or
have a catch phrase like get her done or
have a catch phrase like get her
done or nanu nanu or something so I just
nanu nanu or something so I just
nanu nanu or something so I just
occasionally pull my dick out and trace
occasionally pull my dick out and trace
occasionally pull my dick out and trace
my shrunken dick on the ins insert and
my shrunken dick on the ins insert and
my shrunken dick on the ins insert
and then sign over it because I had plenty
then sign over it because I had plenty
then sign over it because I had plenty of
room for both
of room for both
of room for both and
and
and that was it was
a different day and age
it's not like
the current climate which
it's not like the current climate which
it's not like the current climate which
I hate that
I hate that
I hate that the current climate
you know what when
the current climate you know what when
the current climate you know what
when you never leave your house
you never leave your house
you never leave your house the
current climate is wherever you set
the current climate is wherever you set
the current climate is wherever you set
the thermostat
the thermostat
the thermostat when
you left last
when you left last
when you left last so these guys they
want a picture and I
so these guys they want a picture and I
so these guys they want a picture and I
go okay
go okay
go okay let's all drop trout
for the picture ha
let's all drop trout for the picture ha
let's all drop trout for the picture ha
stand in the lobby of a comedy club with
stand in the lobby of a comedy club with
stand in the lobby of a comedy club with
her dicks out
her dicks out
her dicks out dude it was funny
the guy next to
me we called him fester
the guy next to me we called him fester
the guy next to me we called him fester
afterwards because he looked like uncle
afterwards because he looked like uncle
afterwards because he looked like uncle
fester he's a kid a little bald-headed
fester he's a kid a little bald-headed
fester he's a kid a little bald-headed
fire plug of a dude he pulled his pants
fire plug of a dude he pulled his pants
fire plug of a dude he pulled his pants
down
down
down and he had micro
penis which is what
and he had micro penis which is what
and he had micro penis which is
what it's called the medical condition like
it's called the medical condition like
it's called the medical condition like
real micro penis not oh looks like it's
real micro penis not oh looks like it's
real micro penis not oh looks like it's
cold out
cold out
cold out no he had like
a half a thumbnail
no he had like a half a thumbnail
no he had like a half a thumbnail
like a carbuncle he had like just
like a carbuncle he had like just
like a carbuncle he had like just
no dick
no dick
no dick but he pulled his
pants down with such
but he pulled his pants down with such
but he pulled his pants down
with such heroics and aplomb and
heroics and aplomb and
heroics and aplomb and careless reckless
abandon that's what it
careless reckless abandon that's what it
careless reckless abandon that's what it
is
is
is reckless abandon
reckless abandon
reckless abandon pause for edit
cause that's what I
pause for edit cause that's what I
pause for edit cause that's
what I wanted to say all weekend
wanted to say all weekend
wanted to say all weekend he pulled his
pants down with such
he pulled his pants down with such
he pulled his pants down with such
reckless abandon
reckless abandon
reckless abandon to show off the
smallest penis in the
to show off the smallest penis in the
to show off the smallest penis in the
world that we immediately fell in love
world that we immediately fell in love
world that we immediately fell in love with
this guy like you
with this guy like you
with this guy like you are the
[] gutsiest beautiful
are the [] gutsiest beautiful
are the [ ] gutsiest beautiful [
I strong human being we befriended
[] strong
human being we befriended
[ ] strong human being we befriended
him and we took him out with us and we
him and we took him out with us and we
him and we took him out with us and
we brought him to all the bars and got him
brought him to all the bars and got him
brought him to all the bars and got him
hammered and then he ends up back at the
hammered and then he ends up back at the
hammered and then he ends up back
at the comedy condo which is you know
comedy condo which is you know
comedy condo which is you know
a apartment where they put up three
a apartment where they put up three
a apartment where they put up three
comics three bedrooms and we got more
comics three bedrooms and we got more
comics three bedrooms and we got more
drunk there and at some point it was my
drunk there and at some point it was my
drunk there and at some point it was my
idea
idea
idea to do
to do
to do blindfold hand job
blindfold hand job
blindfold hand job and I said
fester this is what
what we're going to
do is we're going to
what we're going to do is we're going to
what we're going to do is we're going
to blindfold you as me and my buddy ben
blindfold you as me and my buddy ben
blindfold you as me and my buddy ben
and a waitress that was a drunkard and a
and a waitress that was a drunkard and a
and a waitress that was a
drunkard and a player and a [ ]
player and a []
player and a [] regular
regular
regular solid folk and uh
I said we're gonna blindfold you
I said we're gonna blindfold you
I said we're gonna blindfold you and
you have to guess which one of the
and you have to guess which one of the
and you have to guess which one of the
three of us
three of us
three of us is giving
you a hand job
and I know she's gonna
do it we made the
and I know she's gonna do it we made the
and I know she's gonna do it
we made the eye contact she's in
eye contact she's in
eye contact she's in but
even if she
but even if she
but even if she bailed out I
would have done it because
bailed out I would have done it because
bailed out I would have done it
because his penis was so small as to be
his penis was so small as to be
his penis was so small as to be
non-threatening
non-threatening
non-threatening to a level
where you would touch it
to a level where you would touch it
to a level where you would touch it anyway
as a curiosity
so I blindfold fester with my
so I blindfold fester with my
so I blindfold fester with my
bathrobe tie
bathrobe tie
bathrobe tie and she unzips his
pants and ben and I
and she unzips his pants and ben and I
and she unzips his pants and ben
and I hide around the corner a little bit
hide around the corner a little bit
hide around the corner a little bit
because we don't want to laugh and give
because we don't want to laugh and give
because we don't want to laugh and give
away who's giving him a hand job but she
away who's giving him a hand job but she
away who's giving him a hand job but
she gives it away right away cause she
gives it away right away cause she
gives it away right away cause she starts
giving him the best
starts giving him the best
starts giving him the best dirty talk
you porn hand job
dirty talk you porn hand job
dirty talk you porn hand job
she's like oh I can't wait to see this
she's like oh I can't wait to see this
she's like oh I can't wait to see this
[ ] come for me it's [ ] beautiful
[] come for me
it's [] beautiful
[] come for me it's []
beautiful oh god
oh god
oh god this is so hot I
want to see your []
this is so hot I want to
see your []
this is so hot I want to see
your [ ] drip all over my
drip all over my
drip all over my and ben
and I are both
and ben and I are both
and ben and I are both leaning in
with half boners
leaning in with half boners
leaning in with half boners wishing we
had micro penis
wishing we had micro penis
wishing we had micro penis because this is
the best hand job ever
and the only thing
I noticed that was
and the only thing I noticed that was
and the only thing I noticed that was
missing was she needed a lube so I
missing was she needed a lube so I
missing was she needed a lube so I
tiptoe across the carpet of the living
tiptoe across the carpet of the living
tiptoe across the carpet of the living
room get to the kitchen and I grabbed
room get to the kitchen and I grabbed
room get to the kitchen and I
grabbed some palm olive dish soap
some palm olive dish soap
some palm olive dish soap which
which
which not a sponsor yet
not a sponsor yet
not a sponsor yet but when this
story comes out I'm sure
but when this story comes out I'm sure
but when this story comes out I'm
sure will be flooded with money I I
will be flooded with money I I
will be flooded with money I I
rain palm oil of all over this little
rain palm oil of all over this little
rain palm oil of all over this little
dick hand job
dick hand job
dick hand job and then I get
a little carried away
and then I get a little carried away
and then I get a little carried away
and I thought what other condiments can
and I thought what other condiments can
and I thought what other condiments can
I
I
I put into this
he's blindfolded so I
put into this he's blindfolded so I
put into this he's blindfolded so I
opened the refrigerator and then mustard
opened the refrigerator and then mustard
opened the refrigerator and then
mustard is too cruel I found crumbled goat
is too cruel I found crumbled goat
is too cruel I found crumbled goat
cheese
and I sprinkle a
good amount of that
and I sprinkle a good amount of that
and I sprinkle a good amount of that into
the hand job
into the hand job
into the hand job and then I run
back over with ben still
and then I run back over with ben still
and then I run back over with ben
still trying not to laugh and ruin his
trying not to laugh and ruin his
trying not to laugh and ruin his
experience
experience
experience and the part
that I hadn't remembered
and the part that I hadn't remembered
and the part that I hadn't remembered
was Alicia wood
was Alicia wood
was Alicia wood she was there
she was there
she was there she was
the opening act
she was the opening act
she was the opening act sleeping like a
baby in the third
sleeping like a baby in the third
sleeping like a baby in the third
bedroom so evidently I went and I woke
bedroom so evidently I went and I woke
bedroom so evidently I went
and I woke her up you got to get up
her up you got to get up
her up you got to get up you're
missing it
you're missing it
you're missing it just
get out here
just get out here
just get out here but [] what all
you want will you just
but []
what all you want will you just
but [ ] what all you want will
you just come down the hole watch
come down the hole watch
come down the hole watch what I it's
micro penis goat cheese dish
what I it's micro penis goat cheese dish
what I it's micro penis goat cheese dish
so bad
what
what
what this my carpet is
dish soap gucci's just
this my carpet is dish soap gucci's just
this my carpet is dish soap gucci's just
come here look
look
look
look oh [] what the
[] is sad it's like
oh [] what the
[] is sad it's like
oh [] what the [] is
sad it's like tiny tickets
tiny tickets
tiny tickets she's like just
[] off and
she's like just [] off and
she's like just [ ] off and she
went back to bed and then [ ] 18
she went back to bed and
then [] 18
she went back to bed and then []
18 years later
tried to me too
that story in a tweet
tried to me too that story in a tweet
tried to me too that story in a tweet
and said it made her feel uncomfortable
and said it made her feel uncomfortable
and said it made her feel uncomfortable
what
what
what it's a
[] hilarious thing
it's a [] hilarious thing
it's a [] hilarious thing like if
I was a new comic
like if I was a new comic
like if I was a new comic on the road and
I got taken out I'm
on the road and I got taken out I'm
on the road and I got taken out I'm
actually doing this as a professional
actually doing this as a professional
actually doing this as a professional
now and I get to be in a comedy condo
now and I get to be in a comedy condo
now and I get to be in a comedy
condo and uh all the other comics are
and uh all the other comics are
and uh all the other comics are
witnessing
witnessing
witnessing goat cheese micro penis
dish soap and job
goat cheese micro penis dish soap and job
goat cheese micro penis dish soap
and job and you didn't wake me up for that
and you didn't wake me up for that
and you didn't wake me up for that
I would take that as a strong signal
I would take that as a strong signal
I would take that as a strong signal that
I'm not welcome
that I'm not welcome
that I'm not welcome in
the group
in the group
in the group why would you
[] leave me out like
why would you
[] leave me out like
why would you [ ] leave me out like
some Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer wake
some Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer wake
some Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer wake
me up
me up
me up you're uncomfortable
imagine a kid's mom
having to do his
imagine a kid's mom having to do his
imagine a kid's mom having to do his
laundry
laundry
laundry the next day
she's uncomfortable what
the next day she's uncomfortable what
the next day she's uncomfortable what
are you you're uncomfortable what are
are you you're uncomfortable what are
are you you're uncomfortable what
are you [ ] lactose intolerant and now
you []
lactose intolerant and now
you [] lactose intolerant and now goat
cheese is a trigger
goat cheese is a trigger
goat cheese is a trigger
for your
you don't like sudsy
hand jobs with your
you don't like sudsy hand jobs with your
you don't like sudsy hand jobs with
your choice of toppings what the [ ]
choice of toppings what
the []
choice of toppings what the [ ]
fester had a better me too story in that
fester had a better me too story in that
fester had a better me too story in
that than she did she just looked around a
than she did she just looked around a
than she did she just looked around
a corner that kid was coerced by a
corner that kid was coerced by a
corner that kid was coerced by a a
powerful man that he respected and
a powerful man that he respected and
a powerful man that he respected and looked
up to and
looked up to and
looked up to and was coerced into
receiving a hand job he
was coerced into receiving a hand job he
was coerced into receiving a hand
job he may or may not have wanted
may or may not have wanted
may or may not have wanted I think there's
a lot of crossover in
I think there's a lot of crossover in
I think there's a lot of crossover in
the me too movement where a lot of the
the me too movement where a lot of the
the me too movement where a lot
of the people that you are trying to
people that you are trying to
people that you are trying to out
and shame and say [ ] off there's a
out and shame and say
[] off there's a
out and shame and say [ ] off
there's a good cross section are
good cross section are
good cross section are the same people that
I am afraid of the
the same people that I am afraid of the
the same people that I am afraid of the
[]
[]
[] douche bag Saturday
night last call
douche bag Saturday night last call
douche bag Saturday night last
call [ ] [ ] jocko bro dudes when
[] []
jocko bro dudes when
[ ] [ ] jocko bro dudes when
they can't [ ] you they want to fight
they can't []
you they want to fight
they can't [ ] you they want to fight
me that you're hey lady nice tits I get
me that you're hey lady nice tits I get
me that you're hey lady nice tits I
get what are you looking at [ ] it's the
what are you looking at
[] it's the
what are you looking at []
it's the same guys
same guys
same guys there's a big
there's a big
there's a big cross-section
of that
cross-section of that
cross-section of that yet I'm still
expected to fight that guy
yet I'm still expected to fight that guy
yet I'm still expected to fight that guy
he calls you [ ] why don't you just
he calls you []
why don't you just
he calls you [ ] why don't you just
punch him in the face hey he said you
punch him in the face hey he said you
punch him in the face hey he said
you had nice tits why didn't you just suck
had nice tits why didn't you just suck
had nice tits why didn't you just suck
his dick
that's what he wants
I don't want to
that's what he wants I don't want to
that's what he wants I don't want to
fight him and you don't want to suck
fight him and you don't want to suck
fight him and you don't want to suck
your stick
your stick
your stick but it's
the same douche bag
but it's the same douche bag
but it's the same douche bag but I don't
get to ride your hashtag
[] weak dude
gets nothing we'll
[] weak
dude gets nothing we'll
[] weak dude gets nothing we'll
learn to fight
learn to fight
learn to fight let's just
learn to suck dick
let's just learn to suck dick
let's just learn to suck dick [] learn
to fight I can't fight
[]
learn to fight I can't fight
[] learn to fight I can't fight would
you call me
would you call me
would you call me stupid
stupid
stupid rape is not a crime
of sex it's a crime
rape is not a crime of sex it's a crime
rape is not a crime of sex it's a crime
of violence you know what so is violence
of violence you know what so is violence
of violence you know what so is violence
a crime of violence where's my [ ]
a crime of violence where's
my []
a crime of violence where's my []
hashtag protection
I walk into a bar
I get my head stoved
I walk into a bar I get my head stoved
I walk into a bar I get my head stoved
in because I walk into a raiders bar
in because I walk into a raiders bar
in because I walk into a raiders bar
wearing a broncos jersey and everyone
wearing a broncos jersey and everyone
wearing a broncos jersey and everyone
says I was asking for it by the way I
says I was asking for it by the way I
says I was asking for it by the way I
was dressed
just saying equal protection
just saying equal protection
just saying equal protection
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] I don't even go out
I I only go out like
I don't even go out I I only go out like
I don't even go out I I only go out like
after shows when it's with you where I
after shows when it's with you where I
after shows when it's with you where I go
oh I got
go oh I got
go oh I got I got people
here I don't go out
I got people here I don't go out
I got people here I don't go out
people scare the [ ] out of me they're
people scare the
[] out of me they're
people scare the []
out of me they're awful
awful
awful we were in uh
we were in Indianapolis
we were in uh we were in Indianapolis
we were in uh we were in Indianapolis
we're going through a car wash because
we're going through a car wash because
we're going through a car wash because
that's one of the fun things you can do
that's one of the fun things you can do
that's one of the fun things
you can do as a tourist in Indiana
just go through a
car wash when it's not
just go through a car wash when it's not
just go through a car wash when it's
not even your car it was a [ ] rental
even your car it was a
[] rental
even your car it was a [ ] rental
car you're washing other people's [ ]
Car you're washing other
people's []
car you're washing other people's [
I because it's the worst state of the 50
because it's the worst state of the 50
because it's the worst state of the 50
and
and
and and we get into
the car wash it's just
and we get into the car wash it's just
and we get into the car wash it's just
me and Greg chaley my tour manager and
me and Greg chaley my tour manager and
me and Greg chaley my tour manager and
uh it's a huge line that we get stuck in
uh it's a huge line that we get stuck in
uh it's a huge line that we get stuck
in but I needed a haircut so I spot a
but I needed a haircut so I spot a
but I needed a haircut so I spot a
barber shop across the strip mall
barber shop across the strip mall
barber shop across the strip mall
parking lot I bet Greg chaley 20 bucks
parking lot I bet Greg chaley 20 bucks
parking lot I bet Greg chaley 20 bucks
that I could get my hair cut before he
that I could get my hair cut before he
that I could get my hair cut before he
can get through this interminable line
can get through this interminable line
can get through this interminable line
in a car wash because that's another fun
in a car wash because that's another fun
in a car wash because that's another
fun thing you could do as a tourist in
thing you could do as a tourist in
thing you could do as a tourist in
Indiana it's just been 20 on any stupid
Indiana it's just been 20 on any stupid
Indiana it's just been 20 on any stupid
thing
thing
thing and hopefully the
wager makes it
and hopefully the wager makes it
and hopefully the wager makes it
exciting
exciting
exciting how many plates do
you think that fat
how many plates do you think that fat
how many plates do you think that
fat [ ] gonna eat at the golden corral
[] gonna
eat at the golden corral
[ ] gonna eat at the golden corral
I'll give you over under five and a half
I'll give you over under five and a half
I'll give you over under five and a
half not counting the chocolate waterfall
not counting the chocolate waterfall
not counting the chocolate waterfall
because he'll probably just stick his
because he'll probably just stick his
because he'll probably just stick his
tongue in there and not even use a plate
tongue in there and not even use a plate
tongue in there and not even use a plate on
his way out
on his way out
on his way out so I race as fast
as old fat smoker can
so I race as fast as old fat smoker can
so I race as fast as old fat smoker
can race across the parking lot to the
race across the parking lot to the
race across the parking lot to the
barber shop [ ] you Jaylee I'll beat
barber shop []
you Jaylee I'll beat
barber shop [] you Jaylee I'll beat
you this time
you this time
you this time and I get
and I get
and I get to the barber shop
door and I whip it
to the barber shop door and I whip it
to the barber shop door and I whip it
open
open
open and
and
and oh
oh it's really crowded
and it's a barber shop
like those movies
it's a very urban audience
it's
it's
it's ethnic crowd
the defensive line in football
your Atlanta-based flight crew
the new Zealand rugby team
the new Zealand rugby team
the new Zealand rugby team however you
say the all blacks
however you say the all blacks
however you say the all blacks
there's a [ ] sea of black dudes
there's a []
sea of black dudes
there's a [] sea of black dudes staring
right back at me
staring right back at me
staring right back at me and I held
this position for far too
and I held this position for far too
and I held this position for far too
long
it's frozen
it's frozen
it's frozen I don't know what
my play is at this
I don't know what my play is at this
I don't know what my play is at this
point they don't seem to want me here
point they don't seem to want me here
point they don't seem to want me
here I still don't know what I should have
I still don't know what I should have
I still don't know what I should have
done at that point but I know what I did
done at that point but I know what I did
done at that point but I know what I did I
kind of ran
I think a little
bit I acted like I
I think a little bit I acted like I
I think a little bit I acted like I
opened the wrong business door in the
opened the wrong business door in the
opened the wrong business door in
the strip mall I'm looking for something
strip mall I'm looking for something
strip mall I'm looking for something else
oh I'm sorry
I was looking for
the bridal shop next
I was looking for the bridal shop next
I was looking for the bridal shop next
door I'm getting married in the morning
door I'm getting married in the morning
door I'm getting married in the morning
thanks for having me sorry wrong my bad
thanks for having me sorry wrong my bad
thanks for having me sorry wrong
my bad because my first thought was
because my first thought was
because my first thought was there's no way
I'm gonna win the bet
there's no way I'm gonna win the bet
there's no way I'm gonna win the bet
with chaley now because those places
with chaley now because those places
with chaley now because those places
mobbed every stool is full there's 11
mobbed every stool is full there's 11
mobbed every stool is full there's 11
other guys on the back wall waiting in
other guys on the back wall waiting in
other guys on the back wall waiting in
line I can't win my second thought which
line I can't win my second thought which
line I can't win my second thought
which is my first thought and every other
is my first thought and every other
is my first thought and every other
thought I had
thought I had
thought I had I'm terrified
I'm terrified
I'm terrified by a room full
of black dudes staring
by a room full of black dudes staring
by a room full of black dudes staring
hard at me
because I've been a
human being for over
because I've been a human being for over
because I've been a human being for
over a half a century and one thing I've
a half a century and one thing I've
a half a century and one thing I've
noticed about the human condition is
noticed about the human condition is
noticed about the human condition is
most people are ugly angry [ ] scary
most people are ugly angry
[] scary
most people are ugly angry
[] scary animals
animals
animals if you're confronted
with a group of any
if you're confronted with a group of any
if you're confronted with a group of any
type of the same types of human being
type of the same types of human being
type of the same types of human being
and you're the one guy different maybe a
and you're the one guy different maybe a
and you're the one guy different maybe a
good time to
good time to
good time to kind of run
if I opened that door
and it was a room
if I opened that door and it was a room
if I opened that door and it was a
room full of hells angels or snake handling
full of hells angels or snake handling
full of hells angels or snake handling
evangelicals
evangelicals
evangelicals I wouldn't have
stopped and gone
I wouldn't have stopped and gone
I wouldn't have stopped and gone
oh wait they're all white they'll love
oh wait they're all white they'll love
oh wait they're all white they'll love
me
me
me no you get the
[] out of there
no you get the
[] out of there
no you get the [ ] out of there
if it was a room full of Indian men
if it was a room full of Indian men
if it was a room full of Indian men cup
your []
cup your []
cup your [] and run anywhere
but to public transit
and run anywhere but to public transit
and run anywhere but to public
transit because that's where they get you
because that's where they get you
because that's where they get
you according to the news reports
according to the news reports
according to the news reports so I get
about halfway across the
so I get about halfway across the
so I get about halfway across the
parking lot and this old barber comes
parking lot and this old barber comes
parking lot and this old barber comes
out and he looks like Morgan freeman and
out and he looks like Morgan freeman and
out and he looks like Morgan freeman
and he's smiling with every tooth in his
he's smiling with every tooth in his
he's smiling with every tooth in his
mouth I could see from a distance
mouth I could see from a distance
mouth I could see from a distance
because he he's so happy he saw right
because he he's so happy he saw right
because he he's so happy he saw
right through my [ ] he knows exactly
through my []
he knows exactly
through my [] he knows exactly what was
going through my mind
what was going through my mind
what was going through my mind and
he was
and he was
and he was hey man
hey man
hey man where are you going
oh they're gonna [] with me
oh they're gonna [] with me
oh they're gonna [] with me I see
where this is going
I see where this is going
I see where this is going and I I I
wander back over and I mumble
and I I I wander back over and I mumble
and I I I wander back over and I mumble
some excuse about my friends in the car
some excuse about my friends in the car
some excuse about my friends in the
car wash and I know there's a lot of people
wash and I know there's a lot of people
wash and I know there's a lot of people
in line and I can't I don't have time to
in line and I can't I don't have time to
in line and I can't I don't have time to
wait and he goes oh no there's no wait
wait and he goes oh no there's no wait
wait and he goes oh no there's no wait I'll
take you right now
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
[Laughter] and he walks me back
in like I'm a child
and he walks me back in like I'm a child
and he walks me back in like I'm a child
that just got caught running away from
that just got caught running away from
that just got caught running away from
summer camp
and I get in
and there was no weight
and I get in and there was no weight
and I get in and there was no weight
because all those guys on the back wall
because all those guys on the back wall
because all those guys on the back
wall they're just hanging out in a [ ]
they're just hanging out
in a []
they're just hanging out in a [ ]
barber shop they're not there to get
barber shop they're not there to get
barber shop they're not there to
get their haircut this is [ ] watching
their haircut this is
[] watching
their haircut this is [ ] watching
tv and [ ] that's what they do I
tv and []
that's what they do I
tv and [] that's what they do I thought
that was an urban
thought that was an urban
thought that was an urban myth all pun
intended but no they
myth all pun intended but no they
myth all pun intended but no they
actually just [ ] hang out like it's
actually just []
hang out like it's
actually just [] hang
out like it's a bar
a bar
a bar and I walk in and
at this point I am
and I walk in and at this point I am
and I walk in and at this point I am
visibly trembling
visibly trembling
visibly trembling because
I'm sober
because I'm sober
because I'm sober it's early in the
day I want to explain
it's early in the day I want to explain
it's early in the day I want to
explain that to everybody in there
that to everybody in there
that to everybody in there oh
this has nothing to do with the color
oh this has nothing to do with the color
oh this has nothing to do with the color
of your skin I'm a long-term alcoholic
of your skin I'm a long-term alcoholic
of your skin I'm a long-term alcoholic
this this is what 230 in the afternoon
this this is what 230 in the afternoon
this this is what 230 in the afternoon
looks like every day of my life you
looks like every day of my life you
looks like every day of my life you
don't get credit for the booze shakes
don't get credit for the booze shakes
don't get credit for the booze shakes
that's mine
don't explain anything
just shut up and
don't explain anything just shut up and
don't explain anything just shut up and
sit down and get your hair cut be polite
sit down and get your hair cut be polite
sit down and get your hair cut be polite
and he sits me in the barber stool and
and he sits me in the barber stool and
and he sits me in the barber
stool and spins me to the mirror
spins me to the mirror
spins me to the mirror and around the
mirror just like your
and around the mirror just like your
and around the mirror just like
your mom's beauty parlor they have
mom's beauty parlor they have
mom's beauty parlor they have
photographs of all the different
photographs of all the different
photographs of all the different
hairstyles
hairstyles
hairstyles that are
available to me today
that are available to me today
that are available to me today and I can't
find any that are
and I can't find any that are
and I can't find any that are appropriate
for my head
they're gonna carve
a dollar bill symbol
they're gonna carve a dollar bill symbol
they're gonna carve a dollar bill symbol
into the side of my skull and I'm just
into the side of my skull and I'm just
into the side of my skull and
I'm just gonna sit here and take it
they're gonna put an
la clippers logo on
they're gonna put an la clippers logo on
they're gonna put an la clippers logo on
the
the
the back of my balden
paint and I'm just
back of my balden paint and I'm just
back of my balden paint and I'm just gonna
smile and say
gonna smile and say
gonna smile and say thanks
shut up
thanks shut up
thanks shut up get your hair cut
get your hair cut
get your hair cut be polite
be polite
be polite over tip
over tip
over tip which in that
environment means tip
which in that environment means tip
which in that environment means tip
whatsoever
and get the [] out
and get the [] out
and get the [] out and it was
the best haircut experience
and it was the best haircut experience
and it was the best haircut experience
I've ever had in my life it's a [ ]
I've ever had in my life
it's a []
I've ever had in my life it's a [ ]
old dude like me a lot of times I've
old dude like me a lot of times I've
old dude like me a lot of times I've
noticed I was suited up thankfully and
noticed I was suited up thankfully and
noticed I was suited up thankfully
and when you're wearing a [ ]
when you're wearing a []
when you're wearing a [] over-the-top
grotesquely loud suit and
over-the-top grotesquely loud suit and
over-the-top grotesquely loud suit and
you have your [ ] together a black guy
you have your []
together a black guy
you have your [ ] together a black
guy will [ ] notice that that [ ]
Will [] notice
that that []
Will [ ] notice that that [ ]
yes when your socks match your tie
yes when your socks match your tie
yes when your socks match your tie
brother man that's [ ] sharp and he
brother man that's
[] sharp and he
brother man that's [ ] sharp and he
did it he's old guy so he did all my old
did it he's old guy so he did all my old
did it he's old guy so he did all my old
crazy eyebrows and my ear hairs and he
crazy eyebrows and my ear hairs and he
crazy eyebrows and my ear hairs and he
hot toweled me
hot toweled me
hot toweled me I I begged off
when I was offered the
I I begged off when I was offered the
I I begged off when I was offered the
straight razor shave
straight razor shave
straight razor shave only because he's
an old dude like me
only because he's an old dude like me
only because he's an old dude like
me and I don't know how much he drinks
and I don't know how much he drinks
and I don't know how much he drinks
every night and I don't know how stable
every night and I don't know how stable
every night and I don't know how
stable his hands are so I I walked at that
his hands are so I I walked at that
his hands are so I I walked at that
point
point
point but uh would I
go back [] no
not unless they move
out of Indiana is
not unless they move out of Indiana is
not unless they move out of Indiana
is the worst [ ] state no I should
the worst []
state no I should
the worst [ ] state no I should
never have to play there again I'd
never have to play there again I'd
never have to play there again I'd
rather have [ ] ear hair than have
rather have []
ear hair than have
rather have [] ear hair than have to
play Indiana again
it's their turn to [] move
it's their turn to [] move
it's their turn to [ ] move I
like to stop right now and uh point
I like to stop right now and uh point
I like to stop right now and uh point
out
out
out I am not
I am not
I am not racist and I only
say that not because I
racist and I only say that not because I
racist and I only say that not
because I give a [ ] if you're offended
give a [] if you're offended
give a [] if you're offended I say that
because I worry that
I say that because I worry that
I say that because I worry that a lot of
you might be racist
a lot of you might be racist
a lot of you might be racist and I need you
to know I'm not your
and I need you to know I'm not your
and I need you to know I'm not your
friend
if you can't
read context into these
if you can't read context into these
if you can't read context into these
bits or tone
bits or tone
bits or tone or intent
it's not my fault
or intent it's not my fault
or intent it's not my fault they say
that you know what
they say that you know what
they say that you know what jokes uh
have circumstances words hurt
jokes uh have circumstances words hurt
jokes uh have circumstances words hurt
you might think that they're just jokes
you might think that they're just jokes
you might think that they're just jokes
but
but
but it's how other
people interpret them and
it's how other people interpret them and
it's how other people interpret them
and if they interpret them wrong well if
if they interpret them wrong well if
if they interpret them wrong well if
they interpret them wrong then [ ]
they interpret them wrong
then []
they interpret them wrong then
[ ] yell at them give me [ ]
Yell at them give me []
yell at them give me [ ] don't
just because you guys don't get it
don't just because you guys don't get it
don't just because you guys don't
get it and you [ ] up my comedy
and you [] up my comedy
and you [] up my comedy yell
at them them too
yell at them them too
yell at them them too hashtag
them too
hashtag them too
hashtag them too stupid idiots
that don't get it
stupid idiots that don't get it
stupid idiots that don't get it
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] I am not
I am not
I am not I am not racist
but that doesn't mean
I am not racist but that doesn't mean
I am not racist but that doesn't mean
there's other people I don't hate for
there's other people I don't hate for
there's other people I don't
hate for just as stupid a reason
just as stupid a reason
just as stupid a reason just race isn't one
of them I have my
just race isn't one of them I have my
just race isn't one of them I have my
own isms sometimes there's types of
own isms sometimes there's types of
own isms sometimes there's
types of people that just [ ] you off
people that just [] you off
people that just [ ] you off
and it's just as dumb as any other
and it's just as dumb as any other
and it's just as dumb as any other but you
can't help it
but you can't help it
but you can't help it it's an internal
hate you just shut the
it's an internal hate you just shut the
it's an internal hate you just shut the [
] up and be polite I'm I am an ageist
[] up and
be polite I'm I am an ageist
[ ] up and be polite I'm I
am an ageist that is my big ism
that is my big ism
that is my big ism I am
I am
I am disgusted by
graphically elderly people
disgusted by graphically elderly people
disgusted by graphically elderly people
they gross me out so much I can't be
they gross me out so much I can't be
they gross me out so much I can't be
around them I don't know why you bring
around them I don't know why you bring
around them I don't know why you bring them
out in public
them out in public
them out in public I'm talking like
like gross elderly like
I'm talking like like gross elderly like
I'm talking like like gross elderly
like not not cute Keith Richards is still
not not cute Keith Richards is still
not not cute Keith Richards is
still alive or Betty white or something
alive or Betty white or something
alive or Betty white or something
functional elderly I'm talking about the
functional elderly I'm talking about the
functional elderly I'm talking about
the gross things that you bring out of a
gross things that you bring out of a
gross things that you bring out of a
home like kirk Douglas kind of grows
and you bring them
into public I'm just
and you bring them into public I'm just
and you bring them into public I'm
just trying to eat brunch at a Perkins on a
trying to eat brunch at a Perkins on a
trying to eat brunch at a Perkins on a
Sunday morning
Sunday morning
Sunday morning with a hangover and
then I see the van
with a hangover and then I see the van
with a hangover and then I see the
van pull up and you're bringing out your
pull up and you're bringing out your
pull up and you're bringing out your
[] old thing
[] old thing
[] old thing can folk under
each chicken wing one
can folk under each chicken wing one
can folk under each chicken wing one
more step berthenia here you go there
more step berthenia here you go there
more step berthenia here you go there you
go there you go
there you go
your other foot good
the tongue is darting
in and out of
the tongue is darting in and out of
the tongue is darting in and out of
their mouth
their mouth
their mouth it's called
tardive dyskinesia where
it's called tardive dyskinesia where
it's called tardive dyskinesia where
they can no longer control their mouth
they can no longer control their mouth
they can no longer control their mouth and
the tongue just
and the tongue just
and the tongue just it darts in
and out like whack-a-mole
it's all coated
like they've been
it's all coated like they've been
it's all coated like they've been licking
cheese or
licking cheese or
licking cheese or chalk a rec
room somewhere where their
chalk a rec room somewhere where their
chalk a rec room somewhere
where their family abandoned them
family abandoned them
family abandoned them oh
oh
oh oh you're almost
to the door birthday
oh you're almost to the door birthday
oh you're almost to the door birthday
you're doing so good there we go and you
you're doing so good there we go and you
you're doing so good there we go
and you know they're gonna sit that [ ]
know they're gonna sit
that []
know they're gonna sit that [ ]
thing next to me I guarantee it their
thing next to me I guarantee it their
thing next to me I guarantee it their skin
is all dried and
skin is all dried and
skin is all dried and blanched like rice
paper with big purple
blanched like rice paper with big purple
blanched like rice paper with big purple
splotches underneath it you know if you
splotches underneath it you know if you
splotches underneath it you know if
you accidentally drug an angry hangnail
accidentally drug an angry hangnail
accidentally drug an angry hangnail
across that it would bleed sausage
here we go we're
almost to the table
here we go we're almost to the table
here we go we're almost to the table
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] yeah it's []
right next to me
yeah it's [] right next to me
yeah it's [ ] right next to me
their eyes don't work anymore but the
their eyes don't work anymore but the
their eyes don't work anymore
but the pockets underneath the big
pockets underneath the big
pockets underneath the big pink
pink
pink pockets
pockets
pockets are full of fluid
are full of fluid
are full of fluid to the like
an infinity pool they're
to the like an infinity pool they're
to the like an infinity pool they're
full to the
full to the
full to the top you know if
you stuck one finger in
top you know if you stuck one finger in
top you know if you stuck one finger in
the lower lid
the lower lid
the lower lid all that liquid
would just pour down
all that liquid would just pour down
all that liquid would just pour
down their face like ocular [ ]
their face like ocular []
their face like ocular []
yeah
yeah
yeah it's sitting next to me
they got scabs that
were never a cut
there used to be
a sunspot and now it's
there used to be a sunspot and now it's
there used to be a sunspot
and now it's some thick pepperoni
some thick pepperoni
some thick pepperoni dried and curling
up off their scalp
dried and curling up off their scalp
dried and curling up off their scalp
and I'm trying to eat undercooked eggs
and I'm trying to eat undercooked eggs
and I'm trying to eat undercooked
eggs Benedict right next to this
Benedict right next to this
Benedict right next to this god
offer [ ] sake I'll take it to go
yeah it's a horrible
[] way to feel
yeah it's a horrible
[] way to feel
yeah it's a horrible
[] way to feel about
people but it's honest
you don't say it
people but it's honest you don't say it
people but it's honest you don't say
it I think ageism is the worst ism to have
I think ageism is the worst ism to have
I think ageism is the worst ism to
have when you're aware of it like
when you're aware of it like
when you're aware of it like
being an ageist on that level is like if
being an ageist on that level is like if
being an ageist on that level is like if
you were a racist who's very aware that
you were a racist who's very aware that
you were a racist who's very aware
that you're rapidly turning black yourself
and somehow you
still can't quell the
and somehow you still can't quell the
and somehow you still can't quell the
hate
uh
uh ridiculing old
[] who are unable
uh ridiculing old
[] who are unable
uh ridiculing old [ ] who are unable
to defend themselves is punching down
to defend themselves is punching down
to defend themselves is punching down
and certainly something I would never do
and certainly something I would never do
and certainly something I would never
do I was taken out of context I was on
I was taken out of context I was on
I was taken out of context I was on
Ambien
Ambien
Ambien Russians hacked
my teleprompter
Russians hacked my teleprompter
Russians hacked my teleprompter that's
just not
that's just not
that's just not funny it's out of
context with all of my
funny it's out of context with all of my
funny it's out of context with all of my
standards and morals there's some issues
standards and morals there's some issues
standards and morals there's some
issues that you just never make fun
you shouldn't make fun
you shouldn't make fun
you shouldn't make fun I look
[Applause]
just the idea
that the expression making
just the idea that the expression making
just the idea that the expression
making fun could ever be a negative
you shouldn't make fun what
I'm sorry did I
take some subjects that
I'm sorry did I take some subjects that
I'm sorry did I take some subjects
that are ugly and dark and soul
are ugly and dark and soul
are ugly and dark and soul
lacerating
lacerating
lacerating painful
painful
painful shitty
shitty
shitty maybe unavoidable in
life kind of stuff
maybe unavoidable in life kind of stuff
maybe unavoidable in life kind of stuff and
I made it
and I made it
and I made it fun
fun
fun what a dick I must be
what a dick I must be
what a dick I must be I can't believe
just for attempting that
I can't believe just for attempting that
I can't believe just for attempting that
herculean feat of making awful [ ] fun
herculean feat of making
awful [] fun
herculean feat of making awful [
] fun this is what you have to do
this is what you have to do
this is what you have to do
in life
in life
in life is try to make fun
if you if you know
is try to make fun if you if you know
is try to make fun if you if you know
how life works
how life works
how life works it starts out
where you're born into
it starts out where you're born into
it starts out where you're born
into being fed a hard diet of lies and
being fed a hard diet of lies and
being fed a hard diet of lies and
fantasies and fabrications and then that
fantasies and fabrications and then that
fantasies and fabrications and
then that just turns into a series of
just turns into a series of
just turns into a series of
disappointments as you start to figure
disappointments as you start to figure
disappointments as you start to figure
out everything you know is wrong and
out everything you know is wrong and
out everything you know is wrong and
then you get to live in the failures one
then you get to live in the failures one
then you get to live in the failures
one after another and tragedies that are
after another and tragedies that are
after another and tragedies that are
just waiting in the bushes to jump out
just waiting in the bushes to jump out
just waiting in the bushes to jump
out and bite you in the [ ] thigh
and bite you in the [] thigh
and bite you in the [ ] thigh and
then at best it ends with you on a
and then at best it ends with you on a
and then at best it ends with you
on a cold slab in a medical university
cold slab in a medical university
cold slab in a medical university with
hungover teenagers throwing around
with hungover teenagers throwing around
with hungover teenagers throwing around
your internal organs waving your [ ]
your internal organs waving
your []
your internal organs waving your [ ]
dead wang at each other and laughing and
dead wang at each other and laughing and
dead wang at each other and laughing
and that's the best that can happen so in
that's the best that can happen so in
that's the best that can happen so in
the meantime
the meantime
the meantime you better try to
make that [] fun
we had a friend
we had a friend
we had a friend and a fan that
died Laura Kimball was
and a fan that died Laura Kimball was
and a fan that died Laura Kimball
was her name and she was the best
her name and she was the best
her name and she was the best version of
the word fan and
version of the word fan and
version of the word fan and and
I'm dedicating this
and I'm dedicating this
and I'm dedicating this special to her
because if there's one
special to her because if there's one
special to her because if there's one
thing that she loved more than comedy it
thing that she loved more than comedy it
thing that she loved more than comedy it
was empty gestures
so I'm gonna
dedicate this to her
she had a perfect life she is 42
she had a perfect life she is 42
she had a perfect life she is 42
husband making bank in silicon valley
husband making bank in silicon valley
husband making bank in silicon
valley she's beautiful with two beautiful
she's beautiful with two beautiful
she's beautiful with two beautiful
little toe-headed Bart and Lisa Simpson
little toe-headed Bart and Lisa Simpson
little toe-headed Bart and Lisa Simpson
kind of kids
kind of kids
kind of kids gated community all
the [] so she
gated community all the
[] so she
gated community all the [ ] so
she could come out to all of our shows
could come out to all of our shows
could come out to all of our shows
anytime we're up and down the west coast
anytime we're up and down the west coast
anytime we're up and down the west
coast she sat in the Laura kimble chair
she sat in the Laura kimble chair
she sat in the Laura kimble chair
that side of front row and uh she called
that side of front row and uh she called
that side of front row and uh she called
me up she said I just got diagnosed with
me up she said I just got diagnosed with
me up she said I just got diagnosed
with stage four melanoma it spread to my
stage four melanoma it spread to my
stage four melanoma it spread to my
brain
brain
brain and they're giving me
six months to live
and they're giving me six months to live
and they're giving me six months to live
on the outside and I don't know what to
on the outside and I don't know what to
on the outside and I don't know what to
do
do
do and I said oh I'm
playing san Jose in a
and I said oh I'm playing san Jose in a
and I said oh I'm playing san Jose in a
month
month
month so
so
so try to hang out that long
try to hang out that long
try to hang out that long and then we'll
come goof around well I'm
and then we'll come goof around well I'm
and then we'll come goof around well
I'm not a [ ] doctor I'm not gonna give
not a []
doctor I'm not gonna give
not a [ ] doctor I'm not gonna give
her what other advice am I gonna give
her what other advice am I gonna give
her what other advice am I gonna give her a
new [] easter treatment
her a new [] easter treatment
her a new [] easter treatment
no
no
no she's killing I'll
be there don't die
she's killing I'll be there don't die
she's killing I'll be there don't die till
I get to san Jose and she showed up
till I get to san Jose and she showed up
till I get to san Jose and she showed
up in the chair she looked really good I
in the chair she looked really good I
in the chair she looked really good I
had written a whole pocket full of ha ha
had written a whole pocket full of ha ha
had written a whole pocket full of ha ha
you're gonna die a brain cancer type of
you're gonna die a brain cancer type of
you're gonna die a brain cancer type
of jokes just to [ ] with her and roast
jokes just to []
with her and roast
jokes just to [ ] with her and
roast her a little bit because that's what
her a little bit because that's what
her a little bit because that's what
she'd want that's what she would expect
she'd want that's what she would expect
she'd want that's what she would
expect and uh we had a great night and two
and uh we had a great night and two
and uh we had a great night and two
months later I'm playing Santa Cruz just
months later I'm playing Santa Cruz just
months later I'm playing Santa Cruz just
down
down
down the street basically
and there she is
the street basically and there she is
the street basically and there she is
again with no warning and she looked a
again with no warning and she looked a
again with no warning and she looked
a little worse for the wear but still
little worse for the wear but still
little worse for the wear but still
pretty good
pretty good
pretty good but
but
but now
now
now I'm out of haha
you're going to die a
I'm out of haha you're going to die a
I'm out of haha you're going to
die a brain cancer joke so I had no
brain cancer joke so I had no
brain cancer joke so I had no
preparation so I'm trying to riff off
preparation so I'm trying to riff off
preparation so I'm trying to riff off
the top of my head haha Laura has a
the top of my head haha Laura has a
the top of my head haha Laura has a
brain cancer
brain cancer
brain cancer until I go back
into my same old boring
until I go back into my same old boring
until I go back into my same old
boring act that she's heard over and over
this continues
this continues
this continues for months she
lived 13 months and every
for months she lived 13 months and every
for months she lived 13 months and every
few months
few months
few months she'd just show
up at my show hearing
she'd just show up at my show hearing
she'd just show up at my show
hearing the same [ ] act at one point I
the same []
act at one point I
the same [ ] act at one point I
leaned into her and I go Laura would you
leaned into her and I go Laura would you
leaned into her and I go Laura
would you please [ ] die
please [] die
please [] die you're
ruining my comedy
you're ruining my comedy
you're ruining my comedy it's so hard
to [] say the same
it's so hard to
[] say the same
it's so hard to [ ] say the same
material but you're sitting there and
material but you're sitting there and
material but you're sitting there and you I
know you've heard it
you I know you've heard it
you I know you've heard it and that night I
said to her I said how
and that night I said to her I said how
and that night I said to her I said how am
I gonna know
am I gonna know
am I gonna know when you're dead
cause we don't have any
when you're dead cause we don't have any
when you're dead cause we don't have
any mutual friends I just know you from all
mutual friends I just know you from all
mutual friends I just know you
from all these shows from the years
these shows from the years
these shows from the years and you can't
tweet me from hell
and you can't tweet me from hell
and you can't tweet me from hell which is
where you're going
which is where you're going
which is where you're going but she said I
gave my husband Paul your
but she said I gave my husband Paul your
but she said I gave my husband Paul your
number take down his number he's gonna
number take down his number he's gonna
number take down his number he's gonna
call you when the inevitable happens so
call you when the inevitable happens so
call you when the inevitable happens
so I put Paul Kimball into my phone under
I put Paul Kimball into my phone under
I put Paul Kimball into my phone under
warning warning major buzz kill do not
warning warning major buzz kill do not
warning warning major buzz
kill do not answer bad news only
I know what the
[] I'm gonna say to
I know what the
[] I'm gonna say to
I know what the [] I'm
gonna say to this guy
so when I got
the call from her husband
so when I got the call from her husband
so when I got the call from her husband
I decided I'm just gonna talk to him the
I decided I'm just gonna talk to him the
I decided I'm just gonna talk to him
the same way you talk to any one of your
same way you talk to any one of your
same way you talk to any one of your
drinking buddies who just got dumped by
drinking buddies who just got dumped by
drinking buddies who just got dumped
by some short-term tinder skank or
some short-term tinder skank or
some short-term tinder skank or
something
something
something and I just talked
to him I go hey hey
and I just talked to him I go hey hey
and I just talked to him I go hey hey
what's up
what's up
what's up how's it going
how's it going
how's it going oh
oh
oh oh she's dead
oh she's dead
oh she's dead yeah []
her anyway dude
yeah [] her anyway dude
yeah [] her anyway dude [] her you
don't need that []
[] her you
don't need that []
[ ] her you don't need that [ ]
you could do way better than her what
you could do way better than her what
you could do way better than her what
are you kidding
are you kidding
are you kidding [] be a
[] about this let's get
[] be a
[] about this let's get
[ ] be a [ ] about this let's get
back out there come on nobody even liked
back out there come on nobody even liked
back out there come on nobody even liked
her
I'm gonna cry about
this let's go to
I'm gonna cry about this let's go to
I'm gonna cry about this let's go to
Vegas and hit some titty bars and bang
Vegas and hit some titty bars and bang
Vegas and hit some titty bars and bang
some 12 ounce curls and we're gonna
some 12 ounce curls and we're gonna
some 12 ounce curls and we're gonna
change your Facebook status to player
change your Facebook status to player
change your Facebook status to player
be a [ ] whining [ ] about this
be a [] whining
[] about this
be a [] whining [] about this
and he laughed
and he laughed
and he laughed which was a
pretty big gamble
it's a pretty big
roll of the dice to
it's a pretty big roll of the dice to
it's a pretty big roll of the dice to
take that tact
take that tact
take that tact but that's what you
have to do when life
but that's what you have to do when life
but that's what you have to do
when life gets its ugliest it's your
gets its ugliest it's your
gets its ugliest it's your
responsibility to dig into the muck and
responsibility to dig into the muck and
responsibility to dig into the muck and
try to make
try to make
try to make fun and if they
don't laugh you just cut
fun and if they don't laugh you just cut
fun and if they don't laugh you
just cut them out of your social circle
them out of your social circle
them out of your social circle it's
that simple
it's that simple
it's that simple get rid of them
get rid of them
get rid of them life is too
short to hang around with
life is too short to hang around with
life is too short to hang around
with people who don't get the goof
people who don't get the goof
people who don't get the goof
[] them
[] them
[] them thank you very much
I appreciate you coming out
I'll be out there
in the casino at some
I'll be out there in the casino at some
I'll be out there in the casino at some
point
point
point before you
before you
before you before you talk to
me or ask me for a
before you talk to me or ask me for a
before you talk to me or ask me for a
picture if I'm gambling see the look on
picture if I'm gambling see the look on
picture if I'm gambling see the look
on my face to see if I'm losing or not
my face to see if I'm losing or not
my face to see if I'm losing or not
good night
good night
good night [Applause]
you