Drive (1997) Movie Script
Happy birthday.
I miss you so much,
I don't know if I can wait three weeks
to see you.
I love you.
Michelle, the journey is almost over.
Hey, someone's coming!
Hey! You guys improvise where necessary!
What the hell are you doing here?
- We've got a problem with a stowaway.
- What do you mean?
Hey, someone's there!
Someone's there!
Quick! Help!
Right on time.
Come down. Come down, asshole!
What now?
Kill me,
no more merchandise.
Kid...
Don't shoot...
except at his legs.
Call off the search in Hong Kong.
Toby Wong just hit fresco.
Maybe I love you.
He wonders how can he keep her,
as much in love as he is.
Sounds like this early morning drinking's
turning into a career for you, Malik.
Yeah, but the pay sucks, Joey.
So do the tips, my friend.
So do the tips.
Here.
A solid breakfast is important.
Life is simplified...
Man, I don't know why
you wanna waste so much time
writin' these sappy love songs
nobody wants to hear.
Least of all, the woman
who dumped your sorry ass.
Oh, well, thank you, doctor,
I feel so much better now.
Truth hurts, baby.
Well, you know what the truth is?
The truth is,
my time is comin'.
My time is comin', baby.
She loves him so...
- Help you?
- He wonders how can keep the...
Been
You know,
the only reason I open up so early
is to keep your out-of-work ass
off the streets.
And now I have customers.
Well, why don't you tell your customers
about the importance of a good breakfast
and leave me alone?
Let me write, okay? Please, Joe.
Like I said, my time is coming.
Look out that door.
Look out there. What do you see?
My time, right out that door.
And I'm gonna take you with me,
because you can sing a little bit, right?
Just like Johnny fucking Cash, baby.
- Johnny fucking Cash.
- That's all I need.
Yes.
Hey, you look like a music lover.
Check it out.
Hit song right there.
- Check the back.
- Right.
Don't move!
Shoot his legs.
Okay, okay!
Ah, shit, shit.
- Put the gun down or he's dead.
- Let's talk this out like gentlemen.
- This is between you and me.
- Like gentlemen, please.
Shut up.
Put the gun down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Now, he's running out of time.
We'll pick this up later.
Freeze!
Hey!
I've got a wife and a family
and kids and everything.
Thank God you're here!
You move any closer and I'll kill him.
- Kill me? What are you...
- Shut up!
Back off.
Hey, just be cool, man. Just let him go.
We don't want to see anybody else
get hurt. Just put the gun down.
You follow me, he dies.
Oh, my god, oh. Thank you!
Thank you!
- Come on, let's go!
- We are going. This ain't the Batmobile!
Want me to throw a rod? It's an old car.
Just drive.
Look out!
Oh, my paint!
- Baby, I'm...
- Your paint?!
- You're gonna get us killed!
- Easy, easy.
Did I scare you? I'm sorry!
Did I put your life in danger?
- Shit.
- Shit is right.
I'm not the bad guy, okay?
What?!
Just relax and drive.
Relax?
Relax and drive with a... Relax?
What did I do to deserve this shit?
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you.
You just keep driving.
Okay. Oh, hey, man, anything you say goes.
You're the boss, Mr. Gunman.
You're the boss, man.
Hey, easy! Easy, cousin.
I'm just going for my cigarettes.
Cigarettes, see? Two fingers.
Oh, that's raisins.
Cigarettes. Cigarettes, cousin.
Easy. Smoke?
Those things'll kill you.
Oh, God, yeah,
if I don't die from a gunshot wound first.
Don't smoke in the car.
I'm sorry...
You don't want me to smoke in my car?
Can I open a window and smoke?
Oh, this is fucking beautiful.
This is fucking...
You know what? You're right.
I'm going to quit.
I don't know who died and left you
Surgeon General, but you're right.
I'm going to quit. Tell me something.
Tell me one thing.
How long do I have to put up with
this shit? Where are we going?
Los Angeles.
Los Angeles?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Excuse me, Yosemite Sam!
Wong. Toby Wong.
Eh! Malik Brody.
Pleased to meet you. Do me a favor, man.
Find another brother with a better car,
kidnap and make him put the miles on his.
I can't do it. I'm not gonna do it.
I'm sorry, but you don't have a choice.
All right. That's typical.
That is so typical.
You know, you just fresh off the boat,
kidnap the first brother you see,
and force him to be your chauffeur.
You don't look like Miss Daisy.
I shouldn't be driving...
Shut up.
Can't smoke, can't talk.
In my fucking car.
You take the car! I'll walk.
Drive your fucking self.
All right, ladies! Hold it! Whoa!
That was...
That was quite a round, ladies!
This show's not as good as it once was.
At least these criminals
are real bad asses.
You know? Butt pansy pulls a drive-by
and gets 15 minutes of fame.
I hate it.
I wanna watch Walter, The Einstein Frog.
You know what I hate?
I hate that I have to call
that son of a bitch in Hong Kong
and listen to him natter at me.
But first, your final diagnosis,
Dr. Walter.
Leung Corporation. Who's calling?
In English.
Vic Madison for Mr. Lau.
One moment.
What's that, Walter? Pancreatic cancer?
Mr. Madison.
Judging by your expression,
you have unfortunate news to convey.
Oh, I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Lau.
No one pulls the wool over your eyes.
You haven't recovered our property?
- No.
- I'm disappointed.
No shit.
You!
Now, I don't know about arrogance,
Mr. Lau,
but I do know I enjoy my work.
An object you've lost
is about to supply me
with a sizable amount of pleasure.
If you knew that you would be
held responsible
if the competition acquired this object.
Now, Mr. Lau,
I have been a faithful employee,
and you know that.
Even as we speak, action is taking place
to recover your object.
There's no need for threats.
Of course not.
Leung Corporation.
Have a nice day.
Sayonara, shithead.
Must be nice being married
to the boss's daughter.
Walter, you've just saved the life
of the president's son.
I better go see
how Longmire's doing in prep.
Would you turn that shit off?!
Must be a routine DUI stop.
In the middle of the day?
Don't do anything stupid.
You're about six years too late
with that advice, pal. Thank you.
- Howdy.
- Sir.
Can I see your license, your registration,
and proof of insurance, please?
Yes, you may, officer.
Yes, you may.
I got that right here.
Here you go, here you go.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Can I have your name, sir?
Sammo Hung.
Can you step out of the car, please?
Me? Yes. Yes, sir, I will be glad to.
- Freeze, asshole!
- Hey! What?
Get your hands out of the window
where I can see them, now! Nice and slow.
- Out of the window!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Open the door!
- I know the routine, let's not get rough.
Get out! Up against the car.
Turn around,
get your hands behind your head.
- Wait!
- Shut up!
Hands behind your head.
I'm not the one. He's the one!
I'm the kidnapee. He's the kidnapper.
- You're under arrest.
- Under arrest? I'm a fucking hostage!
What are you talking about?
This motherfucker shot 30 people
in a bar. Tell him!
- Say something, motherfucker.
- Hey, knock it off!
- Tell him how you just shot 30 people.
- You have the right to remain silent!
- You fucking bozos. Jesus!
- Hey, that's enough. Let's go.
What about that big-ass gun he got?
Yeah, put him face down
like they do the brothers in Watts.
Uh-oh.
Hey, man, thought we were
going to the police station?
Hey, man.
Hello?
End of the road.
Please, what happened?
They cut the funding
for the highway patrol or something?
Got special instructions.
Nothing personal.
I knew these guys weren't real cops, man.
No, they're real cops. Real dirty.
Whoa, you better slow your roll,
big fella.
This is the original
Five Fingers of Death right here.
Aren't they all?
See ya.
I've got a funny feeling
we're going to see some familiar faces.
Funny... Well, your definition of funny
and mine must be completely different
cause I don't see a damn thing funny.
Mr. Wong.
Face to face again.
You have become one festering boil
on my ass, turbo-drive.
Hi. Excuse me.
Hey, man. I don't know you
and you don't know me,
and I don't know what you want
and don't give a damn.
- I gotta get home and catch videos...
- Hey, Bob Marley, quit your wailing.
You boys become pen pals yet?
Those hostage situations
do tend to lend themselves
to a sort of... bonding experience,
don't they?
So, back to me and videos...
Sorry, Bob, it's my job.
Hm.
This gravel pit puts me in mind
of that little trip we took to Kentucky
a few years back.
Was that when we took out the governor?
Uh-uh, that was New Mexico.
Kentucky was the VP of Psychoplasmics.
You remember that roast chicken we ate?
Hot damn, that was good.
Them little garlic taters.
Just shoot us, Madison.
- Don't bore us to death.
- No...
Whoa, whoa, Madison.
Just shoot him. Okay?
I enjoy chicken as much as the next man.
A man after my own heart.
Yeah. Hey,
you ever been to Popeye's Chicken?
- Popeye's?
- Yeah. Real spicy, spicy recipe.
- Extra spicy?
- It'll flip your wig, cousin.
- You don't say?
- Yeah!
Kill this guy.
Ow!
- Ow!
- Move!
What are you do...
- What, are you cra...
- Shh!
Let's go.
Bedpan lickers.
Would you wait a minute...
- Would you make up your mind?!
- Just follow me.
Look, sport-shoes,
kill the big guy, not the little guy.
You remember Sesame Street?
You remember that?
That whole big little thing was explained
pretty damn well, wasn't it? Yeah.
Shoot the big guy in the head,
little guy in the legs.
Are you with me on this?
Yeah.
Wait! Wait!
Come on!
Shoot this son of a bitch, Toby.
Shoot him!
Get that...
Come on, Madison.
Shoot me.
Do it.
You ain't so bad.
Oh! Look out!
Let's go.
Ouch!
The bucket! Come on.
What do you want the bucket for?
- Where you going?
- We're going down.
- What? I ain't going!
- We're going!
- It's suicide! Can we talk about it?
- Tell me on the way down.
Goddamn!
God! My back.
Water!
Man, I hope those asshole cops didn't take
my car, it's gonna be a real short trip.
Go, man! Go!
Whoa, whoa!
Come on. My side! My side!
My side.
Shit. Crap.
Goddamn it, he messed my suit up.
Fuck!
Fuck me, man!
How do I get involved in...
How did I get involved in this, man?
Are you okay?
Okay?
Okay?!
I'm in one piece, motherfucker, but okay
is something I ain't been since we met.
It's time for you to download
some information to me. Tell me somethin'.
Why are those guys trying to kill me
more than they're trying to kill you? Huh?
They're not supposed to kill me.
I'm too valuable to them.
Valuable?!
Oh, yeah, you're about a penny a pound
as far as I'm concerned.
If you're so fucking precious,
why did you kidnap me?
Why did you get me involved in this?
I know I'm good looking, but damn!
This is like... Shit on Malik week.
I really don't think it's a good time
to stop the car.
- If we could just keep driving...
- You don't think?! Think back, dumb ass.
They took your gun,
so I'm not afraid anymore.
Unless you plan to slit my throat with
a paper napkin, which is all we've got,
you better start talking.
I wanna know why we're being chased.
And you better tell me before them
wild motherfuckers catch up with us.
Have you ever heard the term
bio engine?
Yeah, that sound like Beaver Cleaver
saying fire engine.
No, it's high-tech slang.
It means biological energy module.
I have one in my chest.
Really?
Wow, that's a pretty amazing coincidence,
Toby, because I have one in my ass.
Yeah. I have a little brown one in my ass.
Come on, man. I want to know the truth.
We ain't got time to bullshit.
I used to work for the government
in Hong Kong,
after the Red Chinese took over in '97.
They put one of these things in me.
A prototype.
I'm here because I heard
that there's a corporation in L.A...
ConTech that wants to buy the implant.
All I have to do is get down there,
deliver it to them,
and they will pay me $5 million for it.
$5 million?
And, of course, the, uh...
The Red Chinese,
they don't want you to sell it.
Uh-huh. Tell me something.
Does everybody live happily ever after
at the end of this fairy tale?
- Look, I'll make you a deal.
- Oh, please, Monty Hall, no deals.
- No, no, listen.
- No deals.
All you do is, you help me get to L.A.
I'll give you half the money.
What do you say?
I say, we go to my house, we get a hack...
Half the money,
like $2,500,000 half the money?
Yeah. Right, right.
It's not enough?
- No.
- No?
- I mean, yeah. I mean, no.
- Yeah.
Hey, would you...
Cut it out. Don't do that Bugs Bunny stuff
with me, all right? Just... no.
We're not... No!
Absolutely not, man. I can't.
Come on.
You expect me to believe
this fire engine story?
- Bio engine.
- Fire engine!
- Go fast.
- Fire engine! Whatever!
This is your house?
Not exactly.
Look, I've only been a barfly
since I lost my job...
and my wife...
and my house.
Come on. Put that...
What?
She remodelled.
This place is great.
Put a sock in it, would you?
When did you let yourself go?
Tools are in the garage.
Yeah, look at that.
That super-scientifical hard stuff,
it ain't so bad.
It'll cut.
What the hell are you doin' here?
- Uh, well...
- What the hell is goin' on?
Take it easy, Carolyn. I can explain.
This guy here, he kidnapped me.
But now he's gonna let me go.
Oh, my god.
Are you in trouble with the law?
No. I'm not. 'm... I'm good.
But, uh... he's on some other shit.
They're gonna fry his ass.
You don't want to know...
Why aren't you at work?
I had to meet a deadline.
I was at work all night.
All night? So, wait a minute,
that means you left Bria with the asshole?
His name is Steve.
- Sorry, the asshole part is silent.
- How many times do I have to tell you?
Know what? That's a real nice
Kmart family portrait old Steve paid for.
- That's a nice portrait.
- But it ain't his family.
At least he's a grown up.
- He's a fucking cheeseburger.
- He works for a living.
A cheeseburger?
Yes! A nasty, fat,
coagulating-around-your-heart,
not-good-for-you cheeseburger.
And you know what?
I don't think you like this Steve guy
as much as you pretend to.
- You know why?
- Why?
Because you didn't hit me
when I called him a cheeseburger.
And the only nice thing
you can say about him is he's a grown up?
- Okay, okay, he might be a cheeseburger.
- He's definitely a cheeseburger.
He might be.
Maybe this motherfucker
is straight out of Nebraska Corner...
He might be, but that's better than being
an aimless, irresponsible fool.
That's right, a fool.
Look, I can't have you around here.
I just want you to saw your handcuffs off,
do whatever you gotta do, and leave.
- Carolyn.
- Please?
I hate this Steve guy.
Me, too.
God!
Thank you, but that shit I did not need.
Once I get you to the bus station, man,
I'm dropping you off,
and I'm finding me a new favorite bar.
I don't need this.
And she leaves my kid with that asshole.
God. What is this, man?
I can't understand... Women make me sick.
Ah, man.
Leaves my kid with the asshole, man.
Lucky lucky. End of the road.
Made it all the way here,
we didn't get shot at any more.
Hey, I'm sorry
that the kidnapping thing didn't work out,
but, you know, that's illegal,
and crime doesn't pay, so...
- How long have you been divorced?
- What?
Divorced. How long?
- We don't even need to go into that.
- No, please, I'm just curious.
We're not actually divorced yet,
uh... it keeps getting put off.
I think she still loves you.
- Oh, you do?
- I do.
I think, uh...
I think you should go catch your bus.
Come on, man. Give me one.
For old times' sake. Don't hurt me, now.
Ah! You hit so hard, you bad ass.
Take care of yourself, man.
Man, oh, man, oh, man.
She still loves you.
And I love you, man.
Stay fruity, man.
Don't twist any ankles.
Don't pull any groins.
Let's get outta here.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no. He's gonna have to handle them.
I can't do three, I can't.
No, I can't.
Here's your ticket.
- Thank you.
- Have a nice trip.
- May I help you?
- Hi, one for L.A. One-way.
Hey, What's goin' on?
Come on! Don't look all confused!
Shit, she might love me a little bit more
with $2.5 million in my pocket.
Oh!
Mr. Lau, Mr. Chow is here.
Sir.
How was your trip?
...Excuse me?
Isn't travelling wonderful
now that the Orient Express
is operational?
A long, miserable flight,
made short and pleasant by new technology.
Yes, sir. A very pleasant flight.
A pleasant flight.
You failed to capture Toby Wong,
and yet you had a pleasant trip.
That is not what I meant, sir.
The Leung Corporation advanced model.
What Toby Wong could have been.
Again, new technology...
capable of turning a long, miserable death
into a short, not-quite-pleasant one.
Prepare a group of our finest.
You're going hunting.
Hey, man.
Hey, man. Talk to me.
Tell me about China.
Is there a lot of kung fu shit
goin' on over there?
What... What do you mean?
I mean, is it like, you know,
guys running up to each other
on the street talking about,
Huh! Your kung fu is pretty useless,
as well as obsolete.
You insult me, you bastard.
Prepare to die. Huh!
Not a whole lot. No.
Really?
You know, I would've thought that...
I mean, a lot of people have
some sort of martial arts training,
but you don't see much chop socky goin' on
in restaurants or anything.
Mm. That's funny, the image
that Americans have of China
is that, you know, it's a country
full of people with little tiny feet,
and they run around and kick
the shit out of each other every day.
Well, that's the same image
we have of America,
except you guys have big feet
and you kick the shit out of each other
less gracefully.
I can see that.
So, uh...
tell me about the fire engine
in your chest.
What's the big deal? Is it like
an artificial heart or somethin?
In a way,
except the implant
increases your strength and reaction time.
So why you? They want you to compete
in a karate competition or somethin?
No.
They just want a...
perfect assassin.
Oh, shit!
Oh, man. What next?
Hey, I think we blew a hose.
We're gonna have to make a stop.
There's a little town coming up,
we can get a motel room.
You can sleep, I'll fix the car.
But I thought we decided on
the safe approach?
Toby, safe or not,
if I don't stop and fix it,
we won't get a mile down the road.
Jesus.
Hey, man. Toby.
Rise and shine. We're here, man.
Rise and shine, partner.
- Come on, we're here, man.
- Hi.
Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys around.
- Hi.
- Yeah. Wow.
- So tell me, how you doing?
- Well...
Oh, man. This thing
is a real piece of shit.
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to offend you there.
I just have never seen anything
that looks quite this bad that still runs.
Oh, that did sound real bad.
- Yeah, act...
- You need a room? Please.
Please, tell me
that you need room, please.
You need a room?
You want a room?
You need a room?
Yeah. We need a room.
So, what shall we make that? A double?
Oh, yeah. He's a blanket hog.
Oh, I know all about that.
My boyfriend's a real blanket hog.
Ex-boyfriend.
Ex-citing.
My much-too-trusting parents
took off on business
and they left me in charge of this place.
The only problem is,
is that there are no guests in the motel,
and the remodeling guys won't be back
for at least another three days. Oh, God.
Let me see.
- Eenie, meenie, miny...
- You all right, kid? You look wiped out.
The implant screws up my metabolism.
It keeps the adrenaline pumping.
- To do that, I have to crash hard.
- Do you?
You know, I think this should be
the biggest party opportunity
of my young life.
And nobody to share it with.
- Oh, that's rough. Um... Look,
- Yeah.
Do we have any forms to fill out?
Cause my man needs to get a little rest.
You're in luck, Magilla Gorilla.
I am offering you
the Deliverance party weekend special.
- Oh. What does that include, exactly?
- Exactly.
- Lots of sleep, I hope.
- Yeah.
Nope.
It exactly includes free room and board.
- No shit?
- Yep.
Oh.
- Who's gonna know?
- Yeah.
But you owe me.
I owe you what?
Entertainment, chocolate boy wonder.
- Show off.
- Just trying to stay awake.
Is the second floor okay?
We've got double beds,
free cable TV with the naked channel,
and complimentary shampoo.
Oh, also, my dad has this huge garage
right next door
if you guys want to use it
to fix up your car.
Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
- Great.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, listen, careful going up the stairs;
we're going through some renovations.
All right.
- Hey.
- Huh?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye, now. You just... do it. Okay.
I swear, Hedgehog,
all this junk food you eat
just turns you
into a smelly mountain o' shit.
My bodily functions don't concern you.
Yeah, well, they do
when I've gotta be subjected to
the consequences of your flatulence.
We've gotta bring Toby Wong in.
He's trying to make me look bad.
He's always tried to make me look bad,
even before he got wound up with
that turbo-drive.
I knew he'd be trouble.
- He's good.
- Goddamn right he's good.
Son of a bitch could eat flour
and shit cupcakes.
Don't talk about cupcakes.
I'm gonna carve him up.
Right on time.
Good. Good.
A little touch-up paint,
bang out some of those dents,
we're on the road.
Oh, get outta here.
Happy birthday.
I miss you so much,
Oh, Toby, you old player!
I love you.
Yeah, I see, you just
lookin' for somebody to double date with.
How's it going?
Oh.
That is a terrible habit you have, child.
I'm, uh, just working on my car.
Mm. These old Challengers are super cool.
What's this? A '73?
Yeah, that's exactly what it is,
it's a '73.
Make-out cars to the Max.
I'll bet you that backseat
could tell some old war stories, huh?
Probably a little...
Yeah, this is a hell of a garage
you've got here.
It's my old man's.
He used to be a hot-redder
back in the old days.
Now he just customizes
other people's cars.
Says it keeps him young.
Yeah, I can dig it.
You're into cars? Hm?
Uh...
Oh, uh, I dabble a little bit.
Oh.
Hey.
Wait. Do you want to see something
that is just really great?
No. No, no. I don't... I'm not...
Oh, no, come on.
I think you'd love it. Please.
Wait. Wait, wait. Wait a second.
Oh, you're gonna be so excited.
It's fabulous.
- God!
- Yeah!
- It's my dad's.
- Yo, this is a classic!
I know!
It is totally custom.
It's got a rebuilt,
special edition 428 Hemi,
V8 supercharged,
trip four-speed auto,
and a fuel injection for a 747.
This is the shit.
I knew that you'd like it.
How do you know so much about cars?
God, I love them.
There is nothing like a mean go-getter.
You know what they say,
you can tell what a man's like
by the kind of car that he drives.
When did Godzilla get a hold of your car?
Oh... wait a minute, now.
Godzilla didn't do nothing to my car.
Look through this angle,
- this is not so bad, is it?
- Hm-hm.
I love this car.
Tell me.
Where would two guys in a bullet-riddled
1973 Dodge Challenger be heading?
- You are full of questions.
- And you are not full of answers.
We're going sight-seeing.
Hm. Right.
Yeah. Really. As a matter of fact,
you should go wake up Sleeping Beauty
because we don't have much time
to hang out.
- Got an important sight to see?
- Exactly!
The important sight to see
is called a paycheck.
Who's paying you?
What, are you writing a book?
Okay.
Do me a favor,
- don't be so inquisitive, okay?
- Okay.
That kinda shit gets people shot.
Somethin' wrong with your eyes?
Look, if you've gotta know, go ask Toby.
He loves to tell a story.
Go ask him.
Hm!
Wrong way.
We're closing in.
Yeah. Good, hot day for a killing.
Toby?
Something come up
on the readout, Walter.
Good lord! It's an uncharted asteroid belt
swirling through space
like a cosmic food processor.
Ship's computer calculates our survival
at 70, 000, 000, 012.1.
We've been hit!
System malfunction, Walter.
Code reads at 80%.
She can't hold on much longer.
Toby.
Toby, Toby.
Toby, Toby, Toby.
Lock 'em and shock 'em, gentlemen.
Just touch the little bastard
with one of these,
he'll be about as tough
as a jelly full of puddin'.
Do me one small favor, fellas.
When you're shooting at the chump
he's traveling with,
keep your eyes on the firearms.
Mr. Wong has a tendency
to take them away
and use them on their owners.
So, without any further ado,
you three go around back.
You guys, take the garage.
Conte, the Hedgehog, and myself
will go in the front.
Rock and roll, boys.
Hey.
We can have a fun day.
Time to get up now.
Hey.
Hello?
Who says violence is not the answer?
Oh!
Ow. Shit.
The story of my life.
Out of that bed and on your feet,
out of the cool and in the heat.
- Take the first floor.
- Sir.
Madison, you copy?
I read you.
We found the car.
Good. Stay sharp.
Roger.
- Yo, yo, man, that's how...
- What?
He... he hit that man right here
and blammo, he took off...
Some party weekend this is.
Shit.
I need reinforcements up here now.
Room 221. Repeat. 221.
All right. You two, take the north end.
I'll go around in case he rabbits. Move!
- Where's Malik?
- He was working on the car.
- Can you get this to him?
- You can bank on it, sweet cakes.
Oh. Okay.
Oh!
Malik.
Fuck.
Say goodnight, Stacy.
Shit.
It's Gracie, dorkstick.
What the fuck are you doin?
Hey, good-looking.
You need a hand?
No! I'll take that, though.
Keep your head down. I got you covered.
- You got me covered.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Mm!
Oh, come on. What the fuck is this?
Give me...
Are you out of your mind?!
Okay.
Never mind, come on!
It's Bob Marley.
He's just capped Van Beeber and O'Neal.
Man, you've got bigger problems
heading your way.
Whoa.
Look out!
You guys okay?
- Was doing our thing, man.
- They're coming. Hide in the back.
- I'll take of 'em.
- Okay. Good plan. Come on!
Come and get it.
Take him down.
Oh, wow.
- What?
- He's fantastic.
Shit!
Go, Toby! Go, Toby!
Go, Toby, Toby, TOW!
Stick your head between your legs
and kiss your ass goodbye, turbo-drive.
Jesus shit howdy.
Now that's eating pavement!
Shit.
Ah!
They're destroying my motel!
Stay here!
Hey, wait, Toby!
Man, fuck that! I ain't staying here.
Come on.
I got the front!
Toby, come on!
- Oh, shit! What a shot!
- Man!
Boo-yah, baby! Give me some, kid.
Yes! Hey, now, wait a minute.
What took you so long?
What the hell were you doing
while I was getting my ass kicked?
Catching up on an episode of Walter
the Einstein Frog. What do you think?
- Oh, really? You was catching up on...
- That is one really smart frog.
What?
What? What's so funny?
I'm a magnet today.
Bye.
- Oh!
Okay, boys, we are all set.
It's called the Apollo 14 Bar and Grill,
and it's about an hour up the freeway.
Sprad is gonna loan us his car.
He's my ex-boyfriend.
Okay, time out.
Okay?
What's this we? We?
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, hello! Remember me?
The one who helped you guys out
back there.
It was trs cool, fool.
I was the ultimate badass bitch.
Yes, you were bad.
- I was bad!
- Bad.
But the badness has to stop right here.
You can't come with us.
That is not fair.
You guys wrecked my motel.
You owe me.
Wait a minute.
He might've wrecked your motel,
but I'm going to take care of it.
Okay?
You're not coming with us, though.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
You guys better come back here,
and I mean alive.
- Good plan.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
I must say,
it has been a pleasure meeting you.
- You wild woman, you.
- I am!
Thank you, Deliverance.
Hey.
Bye, Toby.
Bye.
Hey, Malik?
I know I rocked your uvula.
Well, I don't know what the uvula is,
but, uh, you definitely put
some rocks in it, baby.
- Take care of yourself.
- Mm. You, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hedgehog, come in.
Hedgehog.
Hedgehog!
Hey, Hedge, are you all right?
No.
Why is it so goddamned hard?
What the hell did I do
to screw up my cavalry so bad?
Because we looked like
a couple of goddamn amateurs.
And we've been doin' this shit...
How long have we been
doin' this shit for?
I can't think!
Hell, we've been doin' this shit
for a long time, my friend.
You can tattoo that on your ass.
If we keep this up, we're bound
on Hell's greasy shitter for true.
Leung Corporation. Who's calling?
Hey, you can see my face, right?
So why don't you speak English
as soon as my ugly mug pops up,
or do I have to fly over there
and bitch slap you?
One moment.
Having a bad day, Mr. Madison?
Yeah, I'm having a bad day, Mr. Lau.
Another failure.
I can't say it was unexpected.
Look, we ain't no goddamn
lost and found, Lau, we're assassins.
So why can't we just shoot the bastard,
stick an apple in his mouth,
roast him up for dinner,
and yank his frickin' heart out?
Cause frankly,
I'm sick and tired of having...
Working for your money.
An advanced model has been upgraded
and is already on its way
via the Orient Express.
What?
He will be arriving
in San Francisco shortly
and will rendezvous with you.
You will work under his orders.
Now, you wait just a goddamn minute.
I'm not taking no orders
from no turbo-drive.
You will take orders, Mr. Madison.
It's part of your job description.
At any rate, we have no more use
for the prototype,
and you can yank his freaking heart out
if it pleases you.
Just bring it back to me in one piece.
You trying to make it up to me, Mr. Lau?
Goodbye, Mr. Madison.
You got any family, Toby?
Come on, man, you know my whole,
sordid, sorry past, all right?
I'll be Sonny, you be Cher.
Share a little bit with me.
Can you do that?
Huh?
Shit.
Oh, no.
- What? What's gone?
- It's gone.
My birthday card.
You mean that one?
Happy birthday, Toby birthday card?
Take it easy, I found it in my ride.
Now, you keepin' it a secret from me,
partner. That's no good.
What? Her parents didn't dig you
because you're a psychotic ninja killer?
She's, um...
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, man. I...
I didn't know. I...
Do you wanna talk about it?
Her name is Michelle.
She was a member
of the anti-communist underground.
I was supposed to assassinate her
before she became a voice in the movement.
She opened my eyes
to what the government was really about.
They killed her...
two days...
after she gave me this card.
I couldn't save her.
The target's pinpointed at a resort
not far from here.
Report to the rendezvous point.
Holy shit.
- She said Apollo 14, right?
- Yeah. My guess would be
it's the one with the giant rocket ship
sticking out of it.
Yeah, you probably saw
that movie too, huh?
Wrong mission. That was Apollo 13.
You watch too many movies, Toby.
- Hey.
- How you doin', man?
Now, this is what makes America great.
Yeah, right. That's too bad.
Look, why don't we get our wheels
and get out here, huh?
- Hey, man. How you doing?
- Hey.
- Is, uh, Spam around?
- Spam?
Yeah. Spam went to the cooler.
He'll be back in a minute.
Can I get you guys some drinks?
- Yeah. Give me two beers, the Iron Moose.
- Comin' up.
- Thanks.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- I needed this.
- You and me both.
So, tell me, how you do like
the USA so far? Gunfire aside.
Good beer, fast cars.
Lousy singers.
Let me see you get up there.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
You better suck on that beer, buddy.
Nice shoes.
Initializing boot sequence.
System 10.
Ten, nine, 40.
Engage optical drive.
Give me a status report
on our operative in California.
His men are in position.
A storm is imminent.
Toby Wong?
No.
This says different.
Excuse me?
Can I get two more beers
right over... there?
Oh, shit.
See this?
What's going on?
Be cool.
Cool? You be cool. I'm with him.
I was just showing your friend here
how he's got a goddamn tracking beacon
built into his chest.
Or had it never occurred to you
that the bad guys
always seem to know where you are?
I thought about it.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Cantwell.
I don't shake hands,
so don't wave one at me.
I'm from Continental Technologies
in Los Angeles.
- ConTech?
- That's right.
We got sent out to haul
your valuable buttocks into the shop.
Maybe this will help convince you.
Shh.
100,000 bucks.
Call it a down payment.
You'll get the rest on delivery.
- Down payment.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, uh, since we all buddy buddy,
can I sit down and...
Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Here you go.
What are you doing?
You, young man, are very twitchy.
This will burn out that tracking beacon.
I don't want those
Leung Corporation scumbags
screwing up our guys' night out,
now do we?
All better.
Maybe turbo-drive's superior firepower
got lost somewhere.
Ooh, here comes the cavalry.
Let's swing our dicks.
- Oh, no.
- This... That's me he's singing about.
- Right.
You know, Malik, we've known each other...
- for a whole day now,
- I don't know you!
- And we've been through a lot.
- I don't know you.
Some of it has been... scary,
and, um... some of it has been fun.
But you've got something
that most men would die for,
and I think
you've got to try for your love.
Thank you, Dr. Joyce.
- Why don't you go home? You go home!
- Get outta here. My god.
- That girl is still in love with...
You.
- Yeah! Woo!
Take these boys to the van.
Oh, shit!
Look out!
Okay, run, run!
That son of a bitch is in there
makin' our kill.
We're standin'
with our thumbs up our asses.
I'm gettin'
that fifth-wheel feelin' myself.
Oh, shit! Look out!
- What do we do now?
- Back to plan A.
- What's plan A?
- Don't get shot.
Good plan.
Ow.
Shit, I didn't even get to finish my beer.
- No holes?
- No holes.
- So our work here is done, right?
- Done.
Let's go, man.
What's wrong?
It's time to come home, Toby.
I think you'd better go.
Naw. We can kick his ass.
He's the last one. Come on, me and you.
I'm serious, Malik.
You don't want to fight this guy.
Fuck that.
We'll kick his ass and take his coat.
You see those glasses he got?
All right, no more playing.
- Absolutely.
- Time for you to get the hell outta here.
What? Hey, get off that, man.
I told you I got your back.
Listen, Malik.
You have a wife and a daughter.
Now, go home.
Go!
Hey,
it's my favorite
cheese-eating dick monkey.
No, you don't!
Hm.
You ain't so bad.
I ain't so bad.
But you hit like a girl, motherfucker.
Let's go.
- You think you're bad?
- I know I'm bad. Let's go!
I'll show you somethin' big,
long, and nasty.
What the fuck?
Time for a whipping, boy.
Ow!
Oh, shit! Ow!
There's been a fluctuation
in the adrenaline level.
His body may be nearing
the point of exhaustion.
Boost the implants into overdrive.
Which ones?
Every one.
System initiating.
Implants boosting.
Atta boy. Let her buck.
You remind me of a little old dairy cow,
and I'm milking you. Yeah!
Bitch.
I don't have to kill you.
You can return with me to Hong Kong.
No!
Caution. Warning. Overload.
System overload.
Oh, my goodness!
You pulled a whip on me?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever pull a whip
on a black man again!
You fucker.
Total systems failure.
SQ?
He wasn't so bad, was he?
Nah.
Come on.
- We got a paycheck to collect.
- Yeah, you got an employee to pay.
- You get a bonus.
- Oh, I like that!
Time to blow.
Time to blow?
Shit!
- ' Come on!
- Shit!
All right, Tobe, let's get going.
We got money to collect,
we got hotels to build.
And a wife and kid to go home to.
Exactly. Yes.
Wife and kid. Yeah, man.
You know what? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna do everything I can
to make it work this time.
Who was she kidding?
She can't live without me.
- She's a lucky girl.
- There you go.
I think I might have to pull out
my tiger fists
on that cheeseburger, though.
I hate that guy.
Yeah, me too.
- You can buy a new car, too.
- I sure can.
You know what I like?
I like the '64 Chevy Malibu convertible.
And why is that?
Well, you know, I...
I saw it in a movie once.
- I did.
- That figures.
A movie once.
Woo!
Well, I think, uh, we've done
all the damage we can here.
- Let's go blow something up in L.A., man.
- I'm right behind you.
We ain't got a car.
Hey, let's take this blue Taurus here.
I know how to carjack, you know?
- Do you?
- Hell yeah!
I miss you so much,
I don't know if I can wait three weeks
to see you.
I love you.
Michelle, the journey is almost over.
Hey, someone's coming!
Hey! You guys improvise where necessary!
What the hell are you doing here?
- We've got a problem with a stowaway.
- What do you mean?
Hey, someone's there!
Someone's there!
Quick! Help!
Right on time.
Come down. Come down, asshole!
What now?
Kill me,
no more merchandise.
Kid...
Don't shoot...
except at his legs.
Call off the search in Hong Kong.
Toby Wong just hit fresco.
Maybe I love you.
He wonders how can he keep her,
as much in love as he is.
Sounds like this early morning drinking's
turning into a career for you, Malik.
Yeah, but the pay sucks, Joey.
So do the tips, my friend.
So do the tips.
Here.
A solid breakfast is important.
Life is simplified...
Man, I don't know why
you wanna waste so much time
writin' these sappy love songs
nobody wants to hear.
Least of all, the woman
who dumped your sorry ass.
Oh, well, thank you, doctor,
I feel so much better now.
Truth hurts, baby.
Well, you know what the truth is?
The truth is,
my time is comin'.
My time is comin', baby.
She loves him so...
- Help you?
- He wonders how can keep the...
Been
You know,
the only reason I open up so early
is to keep your out-of-work ass
off the streets.
And now I have customers.
Well, why don't you tell your customers
about the importance of a good breakfast
and leave me alone?
Let me write, okay? Please, Joe.
Like I said, my time is coming.
Look out that door.
Look out there. What do you see?
My time, right out that door.
And I'm gonna take you with me,
because you can sing a little bit, right?
Just like Johnny fucking Cash, baby.
- Johnny fucking Cash.
- That's all I need.
Yes.
Hey, you look like a music lover.
Check it out.
Hit song right there.
- Check the back.
- Right.
Don't move!
Shoot his legs.
Okay, okay!
Ah, shit, shit.
- Put the gun down or he's dead.
- Let's talk this out like gentlemen.
- This is between you and me.
- Like gentlemen, please.
Shut up.
Put the gun down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Now, he's running out of time.
We'll pick this up later.
Freeze!
Hey!
I've got a wife and a family
and kids and everything.
Thank God you're here!
You move any closer and I'll kill him.
- Kill me? What are you...
- Shut up!
Back off.
Hey, just be cool, man. Just let him go.
We don't want to see anybody else
get hurt. Just put the gun down.
You follow me, he dies.
Oh, my god, oh. Thank you!
Thank you!
- Come on, let's go!
- We are going. This ain't the Batmobile!
Want me to throw a rod? It's an old car.
Just drive.
Look out!
Oh, my paint!
- Baby, I'm...
- Your paint?!
- You're gonna get us killed!
- Easy, easy.
Did I scare you? I'm sorry!
Did I put your life in danger?
- Shit.
- Shit is right.
I'm not the bad guy, okay?
What?!
Just relax and drive.
Relax?
Relax and drive with a... Relax?
What did I do to deserve this shit?
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you.
You just keep driving.
Okay. Oh, hey, man, anything you say goes.
You're the boss, Mr. Gunman.
You're the boss, man.
Hey, easy! Easy, cousin.
I'm just going for my cigarettes.
Cigarettes, see? Two fingers.
Oh, that's raisins.
Cigarettes. Cigarettes, cousin.
Easy. Smoke?
Those things'll kill you.
Oh, God, yeah,
if I don't die from a gunshot wound first.
Don't smoke in the car.
I'm sorry...
You don't want me to smoke in my car?
Can I open a window and smoke?
Oh, this is fucking beautiful.
This is fucking...
You know what? You're right.
I'm going to quit.
I don't know who died and left you
Surgeon General, but you're right.
I'm going to quit. Tell me something.
Tell me one thing.
How long do I have to put up with
this shit? Where are we going?
Los Angeles.
Los Angeles?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Excuse me, Yosemite Sam!
Wong. Toby Wong.
Eh! Malik Brody.
Pleased to meet you. Do me a favor, man.
Find another brother with a better car,
kidnap and make him put the miles on his.
I can't do it. I'm not gonna do it.
I'm sorry, but you don't have a choice.
All right. That's typical.
That is so typical.
You know, you just fresh off the boat,
kidnap the first brother you see,
and force him to be your chauffeur.
You don't look like Miss Daisy.
I shouldn't be driving...
Shut up.
Can't smoke, can't talk.
In my fucking car.
You take the car! I'll walk.
Drive your fucking self.
All right, ladies! Hold it! Whoa!
That was...
That was quite a round, ladies!
This show's not as good as it once was.
At least these criminals
are real bad asses.
You know? Butt pansy pulls a drive-by
and gets 15 minutes of fame.
I hate it.
I wanna watch Walter, The Einstein Frog.
You know what I hate?
I hate that I have to call
that son of a bitch in Hong Kong
and listen to him natter at me.
But first, your final diagnosis,
Dr. Walter.
Leung Corporation. Who's calling?
In English.
Vic Madison for Mr. Lau.
One moment.
What's that, Walter? Pancreatic cancer?
Mr. Madison.
Judging by your expression,
you have unfortunate news to convey.
Oh, I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Lau.
No one pulls the wool over your eyes.
You haven't recovered our property?
- No.
- I'm disappointed.
No shit.
You!
Now, I don't know about arrogance,
Mr. Lau,
but I do know I enjoy my work.
An object you've lost
is about to supply me
with a sizable amount of pleasure.
If you knew that you would be
held responsible
if the competition acquired this object.
Now, Mr. Lau,
I have been a faithful employee,
and you know that.
Even as we speak, action is taking place
to recover your object.
There's no need for threats.
Of course not.
Leung Corporation.
Have a nice day.
Sayonara, shithead.
Must be nice being married
to the boss's daughter.
Walter, you've just saved the life
of the president's son.
I better go see
how Longmire's doing in prep.
Would you turn that shit off?!
Must be a routine DUI stop.
In the middle of the day?
Don't do anything stupid.
You're about six years too late
with that advice, pal. Thank you.
- Howdy.
- Sir.
Can I see your license, your registration,
and proof of insurance, please?
Yes, you may, officer.
Yes, you may.
I got that right here.
Here you go, here you go.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Can I have your name, sir?
Sammo Hung.
Can you step out of the car, please?
Me? Yes. Yes, sir, I will be glad to.
- Freeze, asshole!
- Hey! What?
Get your hands out of the window
where I can see them, now! Nice and slow.
- Out of the window!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Open the door!
- I know the routine, let's not get rough.
Get out! Up against the car.
Turn around,
get your hands behind your head.
- Wait!
- Shut up!
Hands behind your head.
I'm not the one. He's the one!
I'm the kidnapee. He's the kidnapper.
- You're under arrest.
- Under arrest? I'm a fucking hostage!
What are you talking about?
This motherfucker shot 30 people
in a bar. Tell him!
- Say something, motherfucker.
- Hey, knock it off!
- Tell him how you just shot 30 people.
- You have the right to remain silent!
- You fucking bozos. Jesus!
- Hey, that's enough. Let's go.
What about that big-ass gun he got?
Yeah, put him face down
like they do the brothers in Watts.
Uh-oh.
Hey, man, thought we were
going to the police station?
Hey, man.
Hello?
End of the road.
Please, what happened?
They cut the funding
for the highway patrol or something?
Got special instructions.
Nothing personal.
I knew these guys weren't real cops, man.
No, they're real cops. Real dirty.
Whoa, you better slow your roll,
big fella.
This is the original
Five Fingers of Death right here.
Aren't they all?
See ya.
I've got a funny feeling
we're going to see some familiar faces.
Funny... Well, your definition of funny
and mine must be completely different
cause I don't see a damn thing funny.
Mr. Wong.
Face to face again.
You have become one festering boil
on my ass, turbo-drive.
Hi. Excuse me.
Hey, man. I don't know you
and you don't know me,
and I don't know what you want
and don't give a damn.
- I gotta get home and catch videos...
- Hey, Bob Marley, quit your wailing.
You boys become pen pals yet?
Those hostage situations
do tend to lend themselves
to a sort of... bonding experience,
don't they?
So, back to me and videos...
Sorry, Bob, it's my job.
Hm.
This gravel pit puts me in mind
of that little trip we took to Kentucky
a few years back.
Was that when we took out the governor?
Uh-uh, that was New Mexico.
Kentucky was the VP of Psychoplasmics.
You remember that roast chicken we ate?
Hot damn, that was good.
Them little garlic taters.
Just shoot us, Madison.
- Don't bore us to death.
- No...
Whoa, whoa, Madison.
Just shoot him. Okay?
I enjoy chicken as much as the next man.
A man after my own heart.
Yeah. Hey,
you ever been to Popeye's Chicken?
- Popeye's?
- Yeah. Real spicy, spicy recipe.
- Extra spicy?
- It'll flip your wig, cousin.
- You don't say?
- Yeah!
Kill this guy.
Ow!
- Ow!
- Move!
What are you do...
- What, are you cra...
- Shh!
Let's go.
Bedpan lickers.
Would you wait a minute...
- Would you make up your mind?!
- Just follow me.
Look, sport-shoes,
kill the big guy, not the little guy.
You remember Sesame Street?
You remember that?
That whole big little thing was explained
pretty damn well, wasn't it? Yeah.
Shoot the big guy in the head,
little guy in the legs.
Are you with me on this?
Yeah.
Wait! Wait!
Come on!
Shoot this son of a bitch, Toby.
Shoot him!
Get that...
Come on, Madison.
Shoot me.
Do it.
You ain't so bad.
Oh! Look out!
Let's go.
Ouch!
The bucket! Come on.
What do you want the bucket for?
- Where you going?
- We're going down.
- What? I ain't going!
- We're going!
- It's suicide! Can we talk about it?
- Tell me on the way down.
Goddamn!
God! My back.
Water!
Man, I hope those asshole cops didn't take
my car, it's gonna be a real short trip.
Go, man! Go!
Whoa, whoa!
Come on. My side! My side!
My side.
Shit. Crap.
Goddamn it, he messed my suit up.
Fuck!
Fuck me, man!
How do I get involved in...
How did I get involved in this, man?
Are you okay?
Okay?
Okay?!
I'm in one piece, motherfucker, but okay
is something I ain't been since we met.
It's time for you to download
some information to me. Tell me somethin'.
Why are those guys trying to kill me
more than they're trying to kill you? Huh?
They're not supposed to kill me.
I'm too valuable to them.
Valuable?!
Oh, yeah, you're about a penny a pound
as far as I'm concerned.
If you're so fucking precious,
why did you kidnap me?
Why did you get me involved in this?
I know I'm good looking, but damn!
This is like... Shit on Malik week.
I really don't think it's a good time
to stop the car.
- If we could just keep driving...
- You don't think?! Think back, dumb ass.
They took your gun,
so I'm not afraid anymore.
Unless you plan to slit my throat with
a paper napkin, which is all we've got,
you better start talking.
I wanna know why we're being chased.
And you better tell me before them
wild motherfuckers catch up with us.
Have you ever heard the term
bio engine?
Yeah, that sound like Beaver Cleaver
saying fire engine.
No, it's high-tech slang.
It means biological energy module.
I have one in my chest.
Really?
Wow, that's a pretty amazing coincidence,
Toby, because I have one in my ass.
Yeah. I have a little brown one in my ass.
Come on, man. I want to know the truth.
We ain't got time to bullshit.
I used to work for the government
in Hong Kong,
after the Red Chinese took over in '97.
They put one of these things in me.
A prototype.
I'm here because I heard
that there's a corporation in L.A...
ConTech that wants to buy the implant.
All I have to do is get down there,
deliver it to them,
and they will pay me $5 million for it.
$5 million?
And, of course, the, uh...
The Red Chinese,
they don't want you to sell it.
Uh-huh. Tell me something.
Does everybody live happily ever after
at the end of this fairy tale?
- Look, I'll make you a deal.
- Oh, please, Monty Hall, no deals.
- No, no, listen.
- No deals.
All you do is, you help me get to L.A.
I'll give you half the money.
What do you say?
I say, we go to my house, we get a hack...
Half the money,
like $2,500,000 half the money?
Yeah. Right, right.
It's not enough?
- No.
- No?
- I mean, yeah. I mean, no.
- Yeah.
Hey, would you...
Cut it out. Don't do that Bugs Bunny stuff
with me, all right? Just... no.
We're not... No!
Absolutely not, man. I can't.
Come on.
You expect me to believe
this fire engine story?
- Bio engine.
- Fire engine!
- Go fast.
- Fire engine! Whatever!
This is your house?
Not exactly.
Look, I've only been a barfly
since I lost my job...
and my wife...
and my house.
Come on. Put that...
What?
She remodelled.
This place is great.
Put a sock in it, would you?
When did you let yourself go?
Tools are in the garage.
Yeah, look at that.
That super-scientifical hard stuff,
it ain't so bad.
It'll cut.
What the hell are you doin' here?
- Uh, well...
- What the hell is goin' on?
Take it easy, Carolyn. I can explain.
This guy here, he kidnapped me.
But now he's gonna let me go.
Oh, my god.
Are you in trouble with the law?
No. I'm not. 'm... I'm good.
But, uh... he's on some other shit.
They're gonna fry his ass.
You don't want to know...
Why aren't you at work?
I had to meet a deadline.
I was at work all night.
All night? So, wait a minute,
that means you left Bria with the asshole?
His name is Steve.
- Sorry, the asshole part is silent.
- How many times do I have to tell you?
Know what? That's a real nice
Kmart family portrait old Steve paid for.
- That's a nice portrait.
- But it ain't his family.
At least he's a grown up.
- He's a fucking cheeseburger.
- He works for a living.
A cheeseburger?
Yes! A nasty, fat,
coagulating-around-your-heart,
not-good-for-you cheeseburger.
And you know what?
I don't think you like this Steve guy
as much as you pretend to.
- You know why?
- Why?
Because you didn't hit me
when I called him a cheeseburger.
And the only nice thing
you can say about him is he's a grown up?
- Okay, okay, he might be a cheeseburger.
- He's definitely a cheeseburger.
He might be.
Maybe this motherfucker
is straight out of Nebraska Corner...
He might be, but that's better than being
an aimless, irresponsible fool.
That's right, a fool.
Look, I can't have you around here.
I just want you to saw your handcuffs off,
do whatever you gotta do, and leave.
- Carolyn.
- Please?
I hate this Steve guy.
Me, too.
God!
Thank you, but that shit I did not need.
Once I get you to the bus station, man,
I'm dropping you off,
and I'm finding me a new favorite bar.
I don't need this.
And she leaves my kid with that asshole.
God. What is this, man?
I can't understand... Women make me sick.
Ah, man.
Leaves my kid with the asshole, man.
Lucky lucky. End of the road.
Made it all the way here,
we didn't get shot at any more.
Hey, I'm sorry
that the kidnapping thing didn't work out,
but, you know, that's illegal,
and crime doesn't pay, so...
- How long have you been divorced?
- What?
Divorced. How long?
- We don't even need to go into that.
- No, please, I'm just curious.
We're not actually divorced yet,
uh... it keeps getting put off.
I think she still loves you.
- Oh, you do?
- I do.
I think, uh...
I think you should go catch your bus.
Come on, man. Give me one.
For old times' sake. Don't hurt me, now.
Ah! You hit so hard, you bad ass.
Take care of yourself, man.
Man, oh, man, oh, man.
She still loves you.
And I love you, man.
Stay fruity, man.
Don't twist any ankles.
Don't pull any groins.
Let's get outta here.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no. He's gonna have to handle them.
I can't do three, I can't.
No, I can't.
Here's your ticket.
- Thank you.
- Have a nice trip.
- May I help you?
- Hi, one for L.A. One-way.
Hey, What's goin' on?
Come on! Don't look all confused!
Shit, she might love me a little bit more
with $2.5 million in my pocket.
Oh!
Mr. Lau, Mr. Chow is here.
Sir.
How was your trip?
...Excuse me?
Isn't travelling wonderful
now that the Orient Express
is operational?
A long, miserable flight,
made short and pleasant by new technology.
Yes, sir. A very pleasant flight.
A pleasant flight.
You failed to capture Toby Wong,
and yet you had a pleasant trip.
That is not what I meant, sir.
The Leung Corporation advanced model.
What Toby Wong could have been.
Again, new technology...
capable of turning a long, miserable death
into a short, not-quite-pleasant one.
Prepare a group of our finest.
You're going hunting.
Hey, man.
Hey, man. Talk to me.
Tell me about China.
Is there a lot of kung fu shit
goin' on over there?
What... What do you mean?
I mean, is it like, you know,
guys running up to each other
on the street talking about,
Huh! Your kung fu is pretty useless,
as well as obsolete.
You insult me, you bastard.
Prepare to die. Huh!
Not a whole lot. No.
Really?
You know, I would've thought that...
I mean, a lot of people have
some sort of martial arts training,
but you don't see much chop socky goin' on
in restaurants or anything.
Mm. That's funny, the image
that Americans have of China
is that, you know, it's a country
full of people with little tiny feet,
and they run around and kick
the shit out of each other every day.
Well, that's the same image
we have of America,
except you guys have big feet
and you kick the shit out of each other
less gracefully.
I can see that.
So, uh...
tell me about the fire engine
in your chest.
What's the big deal? Is it like
an artificial heart or somethin?
In a way,
except the implant
increases your strength and reaction time.
So why you? They want you to compete
in a karate competition or somethin?
No.
They just want a...
perfect assassin.
Oh, shit!
Oh, man. What next?
Hey, I think we blew a hose.
We're gonna have to make a stop.
There's a little town coming up,
we can get a motel room.
You can sleep, I'll fix the car.
But I thought we decided on
the safe approach?
Toby, safe or not,
if I don't stop and fix it,
we won't get a mile down the road.
Jesus.
Hey, man. Toby.
Rise and shine. We're here, man.
Rise and shine, partner.
- Come on, we're here, man.
- Hi.
Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys around.
- Hi.
- Yeah. Wow.
- So tell me, how you doing?
- Well...
Oh, man. This thing
is a real piece of shit.
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to offend you there.
I just have never seen anything
that looks quite this bad that still runs.
Oh, that did sound real bad.
- Yeah, act...
- You need a room? Please.
Please, tell me
that you need room, please.
You need a room?
You want a room?
You need a room?
Yeah. We need a room.
So, what shall we make that? A double?
Oh, yeah. He's a blanket hog.
Oh, I know all about that.
My boyfriend's a real blanket hog.
Ex-boyfriend.
Ex-citing.
My much-too-trusting parents
took off on business
and they left me in charge of this place.
The only problem is,
is that there are no guests in the motel,
and the remodeling guys won't be back
for at least another three days. Oh, God.
Let me see.
- Eenie, meenie, miny...
- You all right, kid? You look wiped out.
The implant screws up my metabolism.
It keeps the adrenaline pumping.
- To do that, I have to crash hard.
- Do you?
You know, I think this should be
the biggest party opportunity
of my young life.
And nobody to share it with.
- Oh, that's rough. Um... Look,
- Yeah.
Do we have any forms to fill out?
Cause my man needs to get a little rest.
You're in luck, Magilla Gorilla.
I am offering you
the Deliverance party weekend special.
- Oh. What does that include, exactly?
- Exactly.
- Lots of sleep, I hope.
- Yeah.
Nope.
It exactly includes free room and board.
- No shit?
- Yep.
Oh.
- Who's gonna know?
- Yeah.
But you owe me.
I owe you what?
Entertainment, chocolate boy wonder.
- Show off.
- Just trying to stay awake.
Is the second floor okay?
We've got double beds,
free cable TV with the naked channel,
and complimentary shampoo.
Oh, also, my dad has this huge garage
right next door
if you guys want to use it
to fix up your car.
Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
- Great.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, listen, careful going up the stairs;
we're going through some renovations.
All right.
- Hey.
- Huh?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye, now. You just... do it. Okay.
I swear, Hedgehog,
all this junk food you eat
just turns you
into a smelly mountain o' shit.
My bodily functions don't concern you.
Yeah, well, they do
when I've gotta be subjected to
the consequences of your flatulence.
We've gotta bring Toby Wong in.
He's trying to make me look bad.
He's always tried to make me look bad,
even before he got wound up with
that turbo-drive.
I knew he'd be trouble.
- He's good.
- Goddamn right he's good.
Son of a bitch could eat flour
and shit cupcakes.
Don't talk about cupcakes.
I'm gonna carve him up.
Right on time.
Good. Good.
A little touch-up paint,
bang out some of those dents,
we're on the road.
Oh, get outta here.
Happy birthday.
I miss you so much,
Oh, Toby, you old player!
I love you.
Yeah, I see, you just
lookin' for somebody to double date with.
How's it going?
Oh.
That is a terrible habit you have, child.
I'm, uh, just working on my car.
Mm. These old Challengers are super cool.
What's this? A '73?
Yeah, that's exactly what it is,
it's a '73.
Make-out cars to the Max.
I'll bet you that backseat
could tell some old war stories, huh?
Probably a little...
Yeah, this is a hell of a garage
you've got here.
It's my old man's.
He used to be a hot-redder
back in the old days.
Now he just customizes
other people's cars.
Says it keeps him young.
Yeah, I can dig it.
You're into cars? Hm?
Uh...
Oh, uh, I dabble a little bit.
Oh.
Hey.
Wait. Do you want to see something
that is just really great?
No. No, no. I don't... I'm not...
Oh, no, come on.
I think you'd love it. Please.
Wait. Wait, wait. Wait a second.
Oh, you're gonna be so excited.
It's fabulous.
- God!
- Yeah!
- It's my dad's.
- Yo, this is a classic!
I know!
It is totally custom.
It's got a rebuilt,
special edition 428 Hemi,
V8 supercharged,
trip four-speed auto,
and a fuel injection for a 747.
This is the shit.
I knew that you'd like it.
How do you know so much about cars?
God, I love them.
There is nothing like a mean go-getter.
You know what they say,
you can tell what a man's like
by the kind of car that he drives.
When did Godzilla get a hold of your car?
Oh... wait a minute, now.
Godzilla didn't do nothing to my car.
Look through this angle,
- this is not so bad, is it?
- Hm-hm.
I love this car.
Tell me.
Where would two guys in a bullet-riddled
1973 Dodge Challenger be heading?
- You are full of questions.
- And you are not full of answers.
We're going sight-seeing.
Hm. Right.
Yeah. Really. As a matter of fact,
you should go wake up Sleeping Beauty
because we don't have much time
to hang out.
- Got an important sight to see?
- Exactly!
The important sight to see
is called a paycheck.
Who's paying you?
What, are you writing a book?
Okay.
Do me a favor,
- don't be so inquisitive, okay?
- Okay.
That kinda shit gets people shot.
Somethin' wrong with your eyes?
Look, if you've gotta know, go ask Toby.
He loves to tell a story.
Go ask him.
Hm!
Wrong way.
We're closing in.
Yeah. Good, hot day for a killing.
Toby?
Something come up
on the readout, Walter.
Good lord! It's an uncharted asteroid belt
swirling through space
like a cosmic food processor.
Ship's computer calculates our survival
at 70, 000, 000, 012.1.
We've been hit!
System malfunction, Walter.
Code reads at 80%.
She can't hold on much longer.
Toby.
Toby, Toby.
Toby, Toby, Toby.
Lock 'em and shock 'em, gentlemen.
Just touch the little bastard
with one of these,
he'll be about as tough
as a jelly full of puddin'.
Do me one small favor, fellas.
When you're shooting at the chump
he's traveling with,
keep your eyes on the firearms.
Mr. Wong has a tendency
to take them away
and use them on their owners.
So, without any further ado,
you three go around back.
You guys, take the garage.
Conte, the Hedgehog, and myself
will go in the front.
Rock and roll, boys.
Hey.
We can have a fun day.
Time to get up now.
Hey.
Hello?
Who says violence is not the answer?
Oh!
Ow. Shit.
The story of my life.
Out of that bed and on your feet,
out of the cool and in the heat.
- Take the first floor.
- Sir.
Madison, you copy?
I read you.
We found the car.
Good. Stay sharp.
Roger.
- Yo, yo, man, that's how...
- What?
He... he hit that man right here
and blammo, he took off...
Some party weekend this is.
Shit.
I need reinforcements up here now.
Room 221. Repeat. 221.
All right. You two, take the north end.
I'll go around in case he rabbits. Move!
- Where's Malik?
- He was working on the car.
- Can you get this to him?
- You can bank on it, sweet cakes.
Oh. Okay.
Oh!
Malik.
Fuck.
Say goodnight, Stacy.
Shit.
It's Gracie, dorkstick.
What the fuck are you doin?
Hey, good-looking.
You need a hand?
No! I'll take that, though.
Keep your head down. I got you covered.
- You got me covered.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Mm!
Oh, come on. What the fuck is this?
Give me...
Are you out of your mind?!
Okay.
Never mind, come on!
It's Bob Marley.
He's just capped Van Beeber and O'Neal.
Man, you've got bigger problems
heading your way.
Whoa.
Look out!
You guys okay?
- Was doing our thing, man.
- They're coming. Hide in the back.
- I'll take of 'em.
- Okay. Good plan. Come on!
Come and get it.
Take him down.
Oh, wow.
- What?
- He's fantastic.
Shit!
Go, Toby! Go, Toby!
Go, Toby, Toby, TOW!
Stick your head between your legs
and kiss your ass goodbye, turbo-drive.
Jesus shit howdy.
Now that's eating pavement!
Shit.
Ah!
They're destroying my motel!
Stay here!
Hey, wait, Toby!
Man, fuck that! I ain't staying here.
Come on.
I got the front!
Toby, come on!
- Oh, shit! What a shot!
- Man!
Boo-yah, baby! Give me some, kid.
Yes! Hey, now, wait a minute.
What took you so long?
What the hell were you doing
while I was getting my ass kicked?
Catching up on an episode of Walter
the Einstein Frog. What do you think?
- Oh, really? You was catching up on...
- That is one really smart frog.
What?
What? What's so funny?
I'm a magnet today.
Bye.
- Oh!
Okay, boys, we are all set.
It's called the Apollo 14 Bar and Grill,
and it's about an hour up the freeway.
Sprad is gonna loan us his car.
He's my ex-boyfriend.
Okay, time out.
Okay?
What's this we? We?
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, hello! Remember me?
The one who helped you guys out
back there.
It was trs cool, fool.
I was the ultimate badass bitch.
Yes, you were bad.
- I was bad!
- Bad.
But the badness has to stop right here.
You can't come with us.
That is not fair.
You guys wrecked my motel.
You owe me.
Wait a minute.
He might've wrecked your motel,
but I'm going to take care of it.
Okay?
You're not coming with us, though.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
You guys better come back here,
and I mean alive.
- Good plan.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
I must say,
it has been a pleasure meeting you.
- You wild woman, you.
- I am!
Thank you, Deliverance.
Hey.
Bye, Toby.
Bye.
Hey, Malik?
I know I rocked your uvula.
Well, I don't know what the uvula is,
but, uh, you definitely put
some rocks in it, baby.
- Take care of yourself.
- Mm. You, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hedgehog, come in.
Hedgehog.
Hedgehog!
Hey, Hedge, are you all right?
No.
Why is it so goddamned hard?
What the hell did I do
to screw up my cavalry so bad?
Because we looked like
a couple of goddamn amateurs.
And we've been doin' this shit...
How long have we been
doin' this shit for?
I can't think!
Hell, we've been doin' this shit
for a long time, my friend.
You can tattoo that on your ass.
If we keep this up, we're bound
on Hell's greasy shitter for true.
Leung Corporation. Who's calling?
Hey, you can see my face, right?
So why don't you speak English
as soon as my ugly mug pops up,
or do I have to fly over there
and bitch slap you?
One moment.
Having a bad day, Mr. Madison?
Yeah, I'm having a bad day, Mr. Lau.
Another failure.
I can't say it was unexpected.
Look, we ain't no goddamn
lost and found, Lau, we're assassins.
So why can't we just shoot the bastard,
stick an apple in his mouth,
roast him up for dinner,
and yank his frickin' heart out?
Cause frankly,
I'm sick and tired of having...
Working for your money.
An advanced model has been upgraded
and is already on its way
via the Orient Express.
What?
He will be arriving
in San Francisco shortly
and will rendezvous with you.
You will work under his orders.
Now, you wait just a goddamn minute.
I'm not taking no orders
from no turbo-drive.
You will take orders, Mr. Madison.
It's part of your job description.
At any rate, we have no more use
for the prototype,
and you can yank his freaking heart out
if it pleases you.
Just bring it back to me in one piece.
You trying to make it up to me, Mr. Lau?
Goodbye, Mr. Madison.
You got any family, Toby?
Come on, man, you know my whole,
sordid, sorry past, all right?
I'll be Sonny, you be Cher.
Share a little bit with me.
Can you do that?
Huh?
Shit.
Oh, no.
- What? What's gone?
- It's gone.
My birthday card.
You mean that one?
Happy birthday, Toby birthday card?
Take it easy, I found it in my ride.
Now, you keepin' it a secret from me,
partner. That's no good.
What? Her parents didn't dig you
because you're a psychotic ninja killer?
She's, um...
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, man. I...
I didn't know. I...
Do you wanna talk about it?
Her name is Michelle.
She was a member
of the anti-communist underground.
I was supposed to assassinate her
before she became a voice in the movement.
She opened my eyes
to what the government was really about.
They killed her...
two days...
after she gave me this card.
I couldn't save her.
The target's pinpointed at a resort
not far from here.
Report to the rendezvous point.
Holy shit.
- She said Apollo 14, right?
- Yeah. My guess would be
it's the one with the giant rocket ship
sticking out of it.
Yeah, you probably saw
that movie too, huh?
Wrong mission. That was Apollo 13.
You watch too many movies, Toby.
- Hey.
- How you doin', man?
Now, this is what makes America great.
Yeah, right. That's too bad.
Look, why don't we get our wheels
and get out here, huh?
- Hey, man. How you doing?
- Hey.
- Is, uh, Spam around?
- Spam?
Yeah. Spam went to the cooler.
He'll be back in a minute.
Can I get you guys some drinks?
- Yeah. Give me two beers, the Iron Moose.
- Comin' up.
- Thanks.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- I needed this.
- You and me both.
So, tell me, how you do like
the USA so far? Gunfire aside.
Good beer, fast cars.
Lousy singers.
Let me see you get up there.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
You better suck on that beer, buddy.
Nice shoes.
Initializing boot sequence.
System 10.
Ten, nine, 40.
Engage optical drive.
Give me a status report
on our operative in California.
His men are in position.
A storm is imminent.
Toby Wong?
No.
This says different.
Excuse me?
Can I get two more beers
right over... there?
Oh, shit.
See this?
What's going on?
Be cool.
Cool? You be cool. I'm with him.
I was just showing your friend here
how he's got a goddamn tracking beacon
built into his chest.
Or had it never occurred to you
that the bad guys
always seem to know where you are?
I thought about it.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Cantwell.
I don't shake hands,
so don't wave one at me.
I'm from Continental Technologies
in Los Angeles.
- ConTech?
- That's right.
We got sent out to haul
your valuable buttocks into the shop.
Maybe this will help convince you.
Shh.
100,000 bucks.
Call it a down payment.
You'll get the rest on delivery.
- Down payment.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, uh, since we all buddy buddy,
can I sit down and...
Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Here you go.
What are you doing?
You, young man, are very twitchy.
This will burn out that tracking beacon.
I don't want those
Leung Corporation scumbags
screwing up our guys' night out,
now do we?
All better.
Maybe turbo-drive's superior firepower
got lost somewhere.
Ooh, here comes the cavalry.
Let's swing our dicks.
- Oh, no.
- This... That's me he's singing about.
- Right.
You know, Malik, we've known each other...
- for a whole day now,
- I don't know you!
- And we've been through a lot.
- I don't know you.
Some of it has been... scary,
and, um... some of it has been fun.
But you've got something
that most men would die for,
and I think
you've got to try for your love.
Thank you, Dr. Joyce.
- Why don't you go home? You go home!
- Get outta here. My god.
- That girl is still in love with...
You.
- Yeah! Woo!
Take these boys to the van.
Oh, shit!
Look out!
Okay, run, run!
That son of a bitch is in there
makin' our kill.
We're standin'
with our thumbs up our asses.
I'm gettin'
that fifth-wheel feelin' myself.
Oh, shit! Look out!
- What do we do now?
- Back to plan A.
- What's plan A?
- Don't get shot.
Good plan.
Ow.
Shit, I didn't even get to finish my beer.
- No holes?
- No holes.
- So our work here is done, right?
- Done.
Let's go, man.
What's wrong?
It's time to come home, Toby.
I think you'd better go.
Naw. We can kick his ass.
He's the last one. Come on, me and you.
I'm serious, Malik.
You don't want to fight this guy.
Fuck that.
We'll kick his ass and take his coat.
You see those glasses he got?
All right, no more playing.
- Absolutely.
- Time for you to get the hell outta here.
What? Hey, get off that, man.
I told you I got your back.
Listen, Malik.
You have a wife and a daughter.
Now, go home.
Go!
Hey,
it's my favorite
cheese-eating dick monkey.
No, you don't!
Hm.
You ain't so bad.
I ain't so bad.
But you hit like a girl, motherfucker.
Let's go.
- You think you're bad?
- I know I'm bad. Let's go!
I'll show you somethin' big,
long, and nasty.
What the fuck?
Time for a whipping, boy.
Ow!
Oh, shit! Ow!
There's been a fluctuation
in the adrenaline level.
His body may be nearing
the point of exhaustion.
Boost the implants into overdrive.
Which ones?
Every one.
System initiating.
Implants boosting.
Atta boy. Let her buck.
You remind me of a little old dairy cow,
and I'm milking you. Yeah!
Bitch.
I don't have to kill you.
You can return with me to Hong Kong.
No!
Caution. Warning. Overload.
System overload.
Oh, my goodness!
You pulled a whip on me?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever pull a whip
on a black man again!
You fucker.
Total systems failure.
SQ?
He wasn't so bad, was he?
Nah.
Come on.
- We got a paycheck to collect.
- Yeah, you got an employee to pay.
- You get a bonus.
- Oh, I like that!
Time to blow.
Time to blow?
Shit!
- ' Come on!
- Shit!
All right, Tobe, let's get going.
We got money to collect,
we got hotels to build.
And a wife and kid to go home to.
Exactly. Yes.
Wife and kid. Yeah, man.
You know what? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna do everything I can
to make it work this time.
Who was she kidding?
She can't live without me.
- She's a lucky girl.
- There you go.
I think I might have to pull out
my tiger fists
on that cheeseburger, though.
I hate that guy.
Yeah, me too.
- You can buy a new car, too.
- I sure can.
You know what I like?
I like the '64 Chevy Malibu convertible.
And why is that?
Well, you know, I...
I saw it in a movie once.
- I did.
- That figures.
A movie once.
Woo!
Well, I think, uh, we've done
all the damage we can here.
- Let's go blow something up in L.A., man.
- I'm right behind you.
We ain't got a car.
Hey, let's take this blue Taurus here.
I know how to carjack, you know?
- Do you?
- Hell yeah!