Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning, The (2007) Movie Script
In Hazzard County
folks like to tell stories.
Most are made up or embellished.
Like the time I told everybody in town
that I wrestled three gators at once
when really it was just two slow kids
and a basset hound.
These legends become a part of us.
They show who we are
and who we'd like to be.
Now, I know you've heard of few
about Hazzard's most infamous residents.
But this one, the smallest child in Hazzard
can rattle it off
as fast as he can hot-wire a Chevy.
This here's how it all started.
This is how Bo and Luke
became the Dukes of Hazzard.
Bo Duke. Your average 16-year-old
itching to get his license.
Shopping cart! Shopping cart!
Shopping cart!
Maybe the seventh time will be the charm.
Calling all units. In pursuit of
a male teenager driving a station wagon,
possible hostage situation.
Yeah, Bo Duke.
He's trying to get his license again, huh?
Yeah. He'll be stringed off.
As is.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.
Sorry about that. Kind of hard
to concentrate with all that screaming.
In case you can't already tell,
Bo knows one speed. Fast.
He's 99% instinct and 1% brains.
And that's on a good day.
- I can jump it.
- No, no, no.
- No.
- Oh, shit!
- That fool's crazy. I'm out of here.
- Wait. Did I pass?
No, Bo, you sure as shit didn't,
but you got Tasered
and I hear that's fun.
You might think Bo was
the crown prince of public mayhem,
but four counties over, there was
another contender vying for that throne,
his cousin, Luke Duke.
This poor green pup thought
that the way to a woman's heart
was by blowing shit up.
Someday Luke will learn
that when it comes to women,
he was focused on the wrong kind of bang.
She's a classy kid. Real lady.
Forget about her, Luke.
Let me show you your future
under this table here.
I'm sorry, psychic whore,
but I've already seen my future.
And it's with Debbie Sue.
- Hey, are you ready?
- Hell, I better be ready.
X 90 Armageddons,
Yellow Cycle of Thunders,
Nasty Napalmers that'll
peel back her eyelids,
blow off her silky golden hair,
melt her brain stem,
and open up her heart.
- And she knows this stuff is coming?
- She doesn't even know my name.
Come on, let's go.
She will after tonight.
Hey, Luke,
looks like your princess
is about ready to get her castle stormed.
Sometimes you get so darn busy
planning the plan
that you take your eyes off the prize,
or maybe even blow the prize up.
Oh, shit.
I reckon Luke never planned on
carpet-bombing the county fair.
Twenty injuries, 15 grand in damage,
and Debbie Sue still doesn't know
Luke's name.
Better luck next time, Romeo.
- Get up, get up.
- Luke, you could've killed someone.
Bo's parents and Luke's parents
convinced the judges
that the boys' salvation lay in a summer
of hard work on Uncle Jesse's farm,
a taste of the simple life.
Simple life. That's a good one.
Hazzard County.
Damn.
- What's so funny, Goldilocks?
- Two things always make me laugh.
Monkeys dressed as humans, and
some pussy getting chucked off the bus.
How would like to spend
the night in the morgue?
Show me the way.
Hey, hey. Hey, guys. Nice to see
y'all cousins getting reacquainted.
- Bo?
- Luke?
Welcome to Hazzard.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- Uncle Jesse.
Oh, I'll take the brunette,
you get the blonde.
Man, this J.D. Hogg
sure does like to smile.
He's got a lot to smile about.
He owns the whole town.
I knew him back
when he was messing his britches.
I think he smiled when he did that.
He ain't a bad guy,
but just don't cross him.
Oh, my goodness,
some things have changed.
Corals and cocktails, coz.
I just found Jesus. Yeah!
Yeah.
Keep the garden hoses
in your trousers, boys.
Lot of fun to water the lawn,
but then you got to feed the flowers
and then you got to send them to school.
- Same old truck.
- Yeah. Same old truck.
Hey, Ab.
Come on, already.
I'm gonna be 175 by the time he gets here.
Only running he's done is against J.D.
for county commissioner.
How you doing, Ab?
Got your medicine for you, old buddy.
Reach in there and grab you two
what you like.
I hear you, buddy. See you next week.
Go get 'em.
That's his medicine?
Well, he's 112 years old.
I bring him his medicine every week.
He's got scurvy, malaria, rickets,
chlamydia. You name it, he's got it.
Come on, let's go see Daisy.
- Shotgun.
- Nope, I got here first.
Get in first.
- Whoa.
- Look out for the dog, Uncle Jesse!
You ever wanna find
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane,
go 10 blocks past sanity
and take a right on crazy.
Hang on there, Jesse.
Can't miss him.
Ordinance 733. Hound dogs have
the right of way here in Hazzard County.
That's great detective work, Rosco.
But it ain't no crime.
Maybe lipping off
to an officer of the law is, there,
- Blue Jeans and Bongo Drums.
- We didn't want to hit your dog.
Now was I talking to you, there,
Johnny Jingle Nuts?
Ain't you got nothing better to do?
Well, maybe I could stuff you
in my hold there, little partner.
And you could collect
toenail clippings for fun.
Now, you all just mind yourself.
'Cause this here
is Rosco P. Coltrane's jurisdiction.
I'll send you straight to hell
in a bucket of chicken.
Come on, kid.
Old Rosco ain't never fired that gun,
but he's always looking for a reason.
Let's don't give him one.
Oh, man, pigtails. I love pigtails.
Daisy'll introduce us to the hot locals.
- So we can tag some wild game.
- Yeah.
And then you can stop beating off
to them breast exam ads.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Daisy Duke.
You can't see it yet, but there's a woman
waiting to burst out of her
like an alien invader.
I promised her folks I wouldn't let her date
until she's 18 and she just hit 18.
And she's turning some heads.
What kind of heads is she turning?
And never far behind, Enos Strate.
He likes to hover waiting
to come to her rescue. Kind of sweet.
Look at you.
Oh, hey, Daisy.
Y'all are cuter than boxing gloves
on a kitten.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi. How was Bible school?
Well, Pastor Phil says,
you know, that being a virgin's cool,
so all us girls in class, we signed this oath
saying we won't have sex until marriage.
These are all the things we can't do.
Anyway, me and the girls are
real psyched about being virgins.
- All the girls signed this?
- You bet.
Can't wait to be a virgin again.
Luke, honey, you crying?
Just happy to see you, Daisy.
The Lord loves y'all.
He just wants you to know he'll be
with you all summer, too. Huh, Daisy?
Right. This is gonna be
the best summer ever.
You know what we should be doing
with this shit?
Should be blowin' this shit up.
Hey, you know you can make
low-grade bombs with manure?
Whoa! What are you doing?
- I'm going fast, so I can get done.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, truce. Jeez.
Wash up. Come on in for supper.
We got ham hocks, pickles, pig's feet.
And you can finish shoveling that manure
after you have your dessert.
Then we're done?
Then you got to go down by the road
and fix the fence,
feed the chickens and bale some hay.
So, we work, what, all the time?
No, well, not all the time.
You get four solid hours of sleep.
And remember,
Annabelle can't inseminate herself.
God!
Nothing like a good day's rest
after an honest day's work.
Unless, of course,
you're planning your escape.
Vintage Luke Duke.
Sneaking off without me again?
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm 10, you're 11. The nurses' school.
The nurses.
You didn't want to climb that tree.
You wanted to map it out, draw
a diagram, take a course in tree climbing,
but I convinced you.
What did you see?
I saw boobies.
Big boobies, little boobies,
classy boobies, I saw a feast of boobies.
The Thanksgiving Day Parade of boobies.
And did you thank me?
Thank you.
No, you heard someone coming
and you got down.
I've had a lifetime of boobies.
But I will never, ever forget
you leaving me.
Six years ago, all right? I was a little kid.
Sweet ride.
Uncle Jesse's friends with a pimp?
Boss Hogg.
- That man knows how to live.
- That's business.
Money, power, probably got a hot wife.
Definitely no farmer.
Yeah.
The Boar's Nest is kicking! It's
an election year. Put that on, dumpling.
- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm going in.
Bo, don't... Bo!
Boys.
Hi, fellas.
- What is this place?
- I don't know.
But four slices of a sex pie
just walked right through that door.
I think they need a little scoop of Bo
on top.
Whoa! Where do you think
you boys are going?
We're with them.
Okay. Thank you.
Nice sleeves.
No place for minors
is definitely a place for us.
- There's got to be another way in.
- Let's go.
- Whoa, ladies.
- Yeah.
- Well, what have we got here?
- Let me know.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Hello, folks, how you doing?
How are you doing?
- How y'all doing?
- You called my mother a what?
Not gonna take that.
- Look at that.
- There you go. Great shot.
J.D. Hogg is in the house.
Hey, now,
they're fighting over you, there, Joanne.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey. You wanna piece of him,
you better take a piece of me.
It's locked.
- I'm going this way.
- Wait up.
Boss Hogg's prize boar Dainty.
Three time state champ
and a close second in J.D.'s heart,
after his wife Lulu.
It's Hogg's hog.
Stay. Sit.
- So, how's Lulu?
- Expensive.
My wife's got a jewelry habit that'd
make a crack whore look sensible.
Lucky you're the richest guy
in Hazzard, huh?
Yeah. It's good enough
for a county commissioner.
But what about the future?
Governor Hogg.
President Hogg. Prime Minister Hogg.
- Well, I ain't much into politics.
- These things cost big bucks.
Seems my temporary blindness
to your illegal activities
- should be worth more like 10%.
- Oh, it is.
- Undying friendship.
- Which is nice.
But I'm thinking more like 25%.
Well, I ain't making a lot of money
out there selling shine.
I'm paying a few bills,
but I ain't getting rich.
Which brings me to my next proposal.
It's high time we expand
your little operation, sell abroad.
I ain't selling no broads.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'm talking
about neighboring counties.
I can't afford to go to jail.
I've got three young'uns that I'm raising.
You're thinking small, Jesse.
We could be partners.
Rich as rich, chocolatey Ovaltine.
I really don't think it's right that
I cut you in after you've been elected.
- It's kind of like bribery, don't you think?
- It is bribery, Jesse.
What the hell you think
we've been doing out there,
selling cotton candy to nuns?
One way or the other,
I'm gonna get my money.
You got two weeks, then I'm sending
Rosco out to foreclose on the farm.
No more slipping on payments.
- Hey, where did she go?
- Who?
Who?
Come on, we'll save you, Dainty.
Hang on, girl.
Come on.
No, no. Hold on. Come on.
Oh, no.
- Would you pull, Bo?
- That is... What did she eat?
Dainty!
Dainty!
Did you meet my nephews over there,
Bo and Luke?
Y'all better pray my girl survives.
Two weeks and your farm is mine.
Dukes have been living and dying
on this farm for 150 years.
Great Grandpa Duke built this
out of a bucket of nails and a rock.
My pa died sitting in that chair
right where you are, Luke.
Shat himself
and then went gently into the night.
God rest his soul.
Hell, I was born right here on this table.
Mama's water broke, I popped out there
like a log ride at a water park.
I can't lose my home.
Look, I'll get a job at the Boar's Nest.
And I'll crack open some shine
to settle our nerves.
Can't wait for that tasty beverage.
You ain't never drinking that shine.
You hear me?
Now, J.D.'s mad.
And that stunt y'all pulled
with the flying pig didn't help none.
And he's gonna collect.
And I couldn't make enough shine
and still have time to run it
and cover the loan.
No. But we could.
Hell, yeah. We could run it.
Us working together,
we'd come up with the money.
No, your folks sent y'all down here
to be good men,
not to be shine runners.
And if you get throwed in jail,
you could be there a long time.
Listen, Uncle Jesse.
We don't have a choice.
All we have is two weeks.
- If we sell enough...
- And we're quick enough...
You don't have to worry
about Boss Hogg again.
We're Dukes. This is our farm, too.
- And no one's taking it from us.
- It ain't a bad idea, Uncle Jesse.
All we need is...
- A fast car.
- Yeah.
There's an old saying
that the journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
Sometimes those steps can be blocked
by a bunch of annoying little girls.
- Hello, tiny girls.
- Excuse me, ladies.
Have any of you adorable little tykes seen
a super-charged,
high performance, V-8 engine
laying around here anywhere?
Look, we're 9, what do you want from us?
Oh, that's it. Come here. Come here.
Oh, you hide behind those pigtails
and those braces, come on. Come on.
Man, that guy's an idiot.
She ain't worth it.
Yeah. She's lucky you won't beat up
anything under 10.
She's lucky I got standards.
A gasoline bomb just detonated
in my heart.
- Who are they?
- The Handy sisters.
Brooke and Ali. Look, those girls
have reps for doing anything.
- Stay away.
- Oh, definitely.
Definitely gonna stay away
from the girls who'll do anything.
Sound advice. I'm gonna go talk to them.
Who needs to talk when you got
a blonde river on your head?
- Bo, let me talk to them.
- Blonde river.
- Talk.
- Blonde river.
Hello, up there.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hi.
Yeah. I'm Luke. Cousin Bo.
- Charmed.
- Seriously?
Thanks.
That is awesome.
Fellas.
We gotta go.
We got some business to attend to.
We do?
We do. It was nice chatting with you.
Come on.
So, they set out to find the perfect car.
Starting at the high school,
where kids learn reading, writing
and the real meaning of third base.
There's only one guy I know
who is a genius with cars.
Are sure, Daisy? I mean, we need
a serious garage, not some high school.
They might cut home economics
and the debate squad,
but there's always room in the budget
for shop class in Hazzard.
How come boys never notice me?
'Cause you're dressed like a lady golfer
who likes to swoon lady bikers.
No, he's kidding. You're more of
a lady construction worker on her day off.
So, where is this engine whiz
you've been talking about?
Somebody call my name?
Hey. Hey.
- Daisy Duke.
- Cooter.
These are my cousins, Bo and Luke.
Pleasure to meet you,
Sweet Innocent and Dark Mystery.
Just nicknames. Take 'em or leave 'em.
My stars. That is real nice.
Hey, I'll bet that breathes real good,
doesn't it?
- Are you the shop teacher?
- Hell, no. I'm a student.
- Daisy tells us you know cars.
- Cars? Yes.
Look at this baby.
Math and history? No.
A high school diploma remains
just out of reach.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise,
they'll let me be a senior a fourth time.
There's still much work to be done here.
- We need something reliable.
- Something with speed.
Speed I can do.
My trademark? Horns.
That song needs work.
Okay, you want something
a little more edgier, then?
What do you say,
we test drive this sucker, huh?
Well, shit. I'll try anything once.
Except guy-on-guy. I'm just kidding.
I'd try that.
All right. Come on.
I got the perfect place to open her up.
Watch out. Watch your back.
Coming through.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
- Whoa!
- Look out, man.
Coming through. Bo Duke.
You're gonna kill us, Bo.
Here's a little reminder that we live
in the greatest country on the planet.
Oh, man.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, you missed a spot.
Hey!
Please don't touch that!
Get back and help me.
Bo, you can't go there.
Don't be driving down the halls like that.
You can't be driving
down the halls like that.
Slow down. Pull that thing over.
Oh, no. Oh, man.
- Well, I could jump it.
- It?
Her. It.
Whatever. I can jump it.
Hot damn.
I ain't seen moves like that since a tornado
touched down in Miss Lally's class
and ended the evolution debate
once and for all.
- Hey, Enos.
- Cooter.
- Are you mixed up with them?
- Like a mixed romaine salad
topped with vinaigrette and pecans.
- Hi, Enos.
- Hi, Daisy.
Looks like you got manhandled.
Actually, it was the JV cheerleading
squad. Thank God it wasn't varsity.
Listen, Enos. My cousins are new in town.
Maybe, as my friend, you can let them go.
Just this once.
Oh, sure, Daisy. For you.
Let's get you back together.
They don't teach you about cheerleaders
in training you to be a hall monitor.
I'd say you can handle that engine, Cooter.
Yeah?
Now all we need is the perfect body.
Boys, I feel like I've been failing
my whole life for this moment.
Come on. I know a place. Hop in.
The county junkyard.
Yep. You might see
nothing but piles of junk,
but these boys see warm dollops of clay
ripe for sculpting into greatness.
What are you looking for, Buddha?
My gut is gonna tell me
when I've found the right car.
All right, don't question me on this
and I won't question you on being a virgin.
All right, who told you that, huh?
I want names, addresses, phone numbers,
next of kin.
'Cause I've slept
with thousands of women.
Oh, well, that's smart in this day and age.
Well, we're all virgins
till we've been with the one that we love.
Well, that's good. Except I ain't a virgin.
Virginity ain't a crime, now.
Except in the State of Bo.
Watch this.
I'm okay.
What's with sliding across the hood.
Why would I waste my time
walking all the way around the car?
Think, Luke.
You're supposed to be the smart one.
I'm the good-looking one.
I know the right car is here somewhere.
Bo.
I admire his passion, but that boy is crazy.
Well, what do you say we call it a day?
Go cool off. Get some smoothies.
I know a place.
- All right.
- Come on, big guy.
Boys, welcome to Hogg's Ravine.
- Is there anything Hogg doesn't own?
- Nope.
But one day,
I'm gonna open up my own garage.
Cooter's Garage.
It'll have my name on it.
Boss ain't gonna own that.
Hey, what's on the other side
of the ravine?
Factory for Hogg's ice cream.
- Hogg makes ice cream?
- Yup, yup, yup. I never had any,
but I heard
the peach melba's absolutely outrageous.
Anyway, no one's allowed over there.
Road's all gated up.
Boss is very protective of his recipe.
Hey, boys.
Sunny-side up or over easy?
Call it in the air.
I've always been a breast man.
Okay, you take the rack, I'll take the back.
Watch and learn, Luke. Watch and learn.
Ladies, do me.
Hey, girls, watch me.
- Why you got to go and do that?
- I like it.
- Anybody ever dive in there?
- Sometimes.
I'll be dipped.
You said people dive in here all the time.
I thought it was safe.
Oh, no, hell, no.
I said sometimes people dive.
Most of the time they end up crippled or
- on life support or brain damaged.
- Oh, man.
Just depends.
Oh, man. I'm coming for you, Luke.
Come on. Don't die on me, now.
You'd think Bo'd be under water
looking for his drowning cousin.
But it's hard to think
about your loved ones
when you've found a sunken treasure.
Breathe.
Score one for Cooter.
There is a car down there.
Thanks for saving me, Bo.
It's a '69 Dodge Charger.
Well, I'll be mud on a frog's back.
Hey, back in my pop's day, they used to
dare each other to jump the ravine.
Some stupid son of a bitch tried.
- Sounds like he didn't make it.
- Nobody can. It's impossible.
Car must not be that hot, neither.
No. That is the car. I can feel it.
It just hasn't found the right driver yet.
It's from the Civil War.
What's your lucky number, Bo?
One.
Ain't that just about
the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
That car kicks so much ass
it should have feet.
- Why you gotta go and do that?
- Because it's cool.
You sure you don't want me
to weld your side shut?
- No.
- All right.
- Ready, coz?
- Ready, coz.
All right, boys, listen.
This little baby here... Oh, sorry.
That's mechanic talk.
This car, well, it's got enough parts,
it'd make the Pentagon wet.
All right? Break it in nice and easy.
Race you.
Go, Bo!
I'm not gonna see that car for a while,
am I?
I don't think so.
Oh, my goodness.
I wanna paint. I wanna sail.
I wanna help old people and children.
But most of all, I wanna drive this car
right through the sound barrier.
Oh, my God.
Bo just discovered religion and Cooter.
Cooter, you're his prophet.
Thank you, man.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- It's okay, pal.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry today.
Look at me.
You're an honorary Duke now, Cooter.
You know, when I was a Ridge Runner
moving shine and leaving them cops
choking in my dust,
we used to name our cars after generals.
Oh, well, then, this should be named
after the greatest of all.
General Lee.
You know, running shine is a lot
like knowing how to kill a man
with your thumb 12 ways.
It ain't really that hard
once you know how,
but you got to practice at it.
You can kill a man with your thumb?
Forget that part.
Here's what you got to remember.
It's more than just speed out here.
You got to be smart.
Been going over this map of Hazzard.
- I think I got our routes figured out.
- Well, that's good.
But you got to improvise.
Unforeseen circumstances come up
quicker than a stiffy on prom night.
Best advice I ever had was
from an old moonshiner buddy of mine,
- old "Three Nipples" Ned.
- The man had three nipples?
No, he really had four,
but we didn't want to call attention to it.
So he told us on his death bed,
he said these three words.
- He said, "Don't get caught."
- Cops got him?
No, actually it was Emmy Lou Hassett.
It was that tertiary syphilis.
That's another thing
you want to remember, now.
If you don't want your pecker
to feel like a flame-thrower,
you better wear a rubber.
Uncle Jesse, don't you think
we should sample the product
- for our customers' sake?
- Yeah, Bo's right.
I mean, people might have questions.
I don't think y'all's folks want y'all
out here drinking and driving shine.
Time to baptize the General. Come on.
For a week those boys tore
up and down the county,
making stops for every teacher,
preacher and milkmaid in sight.
Bo and Luke became the fastest
shine runners in Hazzard history.
Holy water.
Thank you.
So things were tasting sweeter
than applejack in a honeydew melon
for the Duke boys.
But remember,
Daisy wanted to help out, too,
and she'd be damned
if she wasn't gonna make a contribution.
Well, a new face in Hazzard.
Now, I'll tell you city folk
ain't really my type,
but this was a flavor
Daisy had never tasted.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just want to see about a waitressing job.
Look, don't worry.
A little water will take that right out.
Look.
I'm not trying to be rude,
but you just don't have the right look
for the Nest.
These girls are tough, confident.
Oh, right.
Hey.
Her interviewing skills
leave something to be desired.
Thank you.
But she accomplished one thing.
Daisy done gone and got herself smitten.
Daisy?
I just acted like a fool in front of the most
gorgeous, handsome man
ever to come to Hazzard.
But I just got here.
Ladies, hello.
- Ladies.
- Hi.
Brooke! Ali!
Ladies! How you doing?
- Cooter.
- Yeah?
- Let's make a toast.
- Yes, yes, let's make a toast.
To waking up in Chickasaw
in the strong protective arms
of a female correctional officer.
What a night!
We're gonna go.
Yeah, we're teaching erotic dance
at the senior center.
And we're late. Sorry.
- Don't go!
- Don't go!
- Thanks a lot, Cooter.
- Was it the toast?
Sorry.
You guys came in
in that '69 Charger, right?
The General Lee.
Hi, I'm Hughie, the new manager.
Yeah.
I thought you'd like some Hogg d'oeuvres
on the house. Well, come on.
Those Boss Hoggs in a blanket
are absolutely magic.
Yes, they are.
So I got to say, you guys have
one killer orange car out there.
Yeah, two things I can't live without.
My car
and my cellphone.
Except I can't get any reception
around here.
- How do you guys survive?
- We use a CB.
A CB.
Well, I have to get back to work,
but you know we should hang out
if you guys know
anything to do around here.
- Oh, yeah, we know lots to do.
- Yeah, all right. Excellent.
Well, I'll see you guys around.
Sorry, guys. Boss told me
to turn up the TV every time he's on.
Folks, Hazzard's sick. What's the cause?
Greedy shiners like these two
selling their liquid fire
to the unsuspecting.
Come on.
Now let this be a warning
to all you moonshiners out there.
My deputies will find you,
they'll smoke you out of your holes,
and they'll send you back to hell.
I ain't done yet!
Earlier today I declared Hazzard
a dry county, and anyone
who uncovers a moonshine operation
will collect a handsome $25,000 reward.
Okay.
Now to show my level of commitment,
I'm turning my own Boar's Nest
into an ice cream parlor.
Yummy, huh?
That's good eating, right there.
Let this be known, that together
we can all live high on the Hogg.
How do you like my Hoggettes?
Thank you.
I can't believe
that Boss declared war on us.
- You worried?
- Please.
The General Lee comes equipped
with a gas pedal and my foot.
We got the fastest car in 37 counties.
- Well, well, well.
- Afternoon, Rosco.
We just saw you on TV.
You know, you make a convincing sheriff.
You really do. Hey, Flash.
Don't you touch Flash, you deviant. Hey!
You know I got
a couple of shine-swilling weasels
in the back of my squad car,
and they're starting to smell like ass.
Where is that shine-selling uncle of yours?
You know, you're much better-looking
in person?
Delicate. TV hides
how pretty you really are.
Now, I didn't come over here
to have you tell me how pretty I am.
I know how pretty I am.
Now you open up the General Lee
and let me see that contraband.
Come on, move.
That's why they call me the rattlesnake,
boy.
- 'Cause when I sense trouble, I strike.
- ...contraband, Rosco.
Figures old Rosco'd leave the keys
right on the seat.
Go, go, go.
He's dumb as a screen door
on a submarine.
That's a real fancy car you got here,
Rosco.
Almost make you seem like a real sheriff.
Well, thank you for... Wait a minute.
I am the real sheriff here.
I won 46.7% of the vote.
- Who did you run against?
- Well, I ran unopposed,
'cause no one was man enough
to run against me.
Now you get this rig popped open
real quick-like,
like a little tiny Chinese toy box... Hey!
They gave you a real gun, Rosco.
That is awesome. That is great.
Hey, don't you touch that.
That's standard issue.
Don't touch my puppy. Don't touch her.
- Hey, my bullets! What...
- Oh, now look what I've done.
- Hey, there.
- Here you go.
Don't rub it on your leg like that.
We got chores to do, Rosco.
It ain't easy being a simple farmer.
No, no, this is an unacceptable...
Give me that moonshine.
Yeah, I got to get that door fixed, Rosco.
Sorry about that.
- See you next time.
- I know there's shine in here.
- Hey!
- Oh, wait, Rosco.
Maybe next time you can chase us
like a real cop.
You let them go, little Flash honey.
Don't you burn rubber on me!
I know where you live!
Hey! Hey, now...
Hey, this is Rosco.
We got some shiners on the run.
Looks like y'all were right, boys.
They're locking up people.
J.D. had Rosco run off all our customers.
Ain't right, them scaring people.
Well, this is getting way too dangerous.
- That could be y'all in jail, or even worse.
- Don't say it, Uncle Jesse.
I'm not about to send y'all home
to your folks in wooden boxes,
and this farm ain't worth saving
if we got to lose you boys.
- There's got to be something we can do.
- Maybe there is.
I got a couple of suits at home
that might fit y'all.
What do you say we pay old J.D. a visit?
It might be time to call a truce.
Oh, my gosh. You boys look like
you just fell off a wedding cake.
Thanks, Daisy. What're you doing?
Hughie ain't rejecting me again.
Hot enough for you, Hughie?
What's the point? I should be a nun.
Doesn't Daisy look mighty discouraged?
But some lessons
you got to learn by yourself.
You leave a spark alone
you might just find yourself
in the middle of a raging inferno.
So while one Duke is on a quest
to find her inner hotness,
the other Dukes are about to get
all hot and bothered
by a first-class culinary experience
care of Mrs. Lulu Hogg.
So, you boys ever roasted a turkey before?
- No, Miss Hogg.
- Oh, please, call me Lulu.
It's Arabic for pearl.
You know where to find a pearl?
Open a clam, spread the fleshy pink meat
with your fingers,
and find something beautiful.
You know it's summer,
'cause this woman's in heat
and insane.
You keep this up,
you're gonna get my boys hurt.
Your boys are riding shine,
not a-riding ponies.
Getting hurt's part of the territory.
Now we pat her dry, boys.
Not that she don't enjoy being wet,
but she likes to have her bottom patted.
There. Come on, Luke.
Yeah, go on, Luke. Don't be shy.
You love to cook.
That's Hazzard Mountain over there.
You remember we flipped that car
seven times.
Shook our brains up a little bit,
we still got up and delivered that load
on time, on foot. Remember that?
- Ancient history.
- Well, I don't forget things like that.
You done broke the pact
that we used to live by.
You don't hurt a fellow moonshiner.
You broke the pact when you ended
our business arrangement.
Now that you aren't a friend of J.D. Hogg,
you're finding Hazzard to be lonelier
than a chubby kid at space camp.
Now, you wanna stuff her body cavity.
Come on.
Stuff it good. Good.
You try to get deep inside there.
Come on, now. Get on up in there.
- Get it in there, Luke. Come on.
- Come on now.
- Go on in there.
- Come on, Luke. Don't be shy.
- Okay.
- Stick it in there. Come on.
Come on, Luke.
Look, Jesse loses control. Can he recover?
You're gonna let this personal feud
between you and I get out of hand.
You got a dry county,
and you're arresting moonshiners.
These are nice guys.
Your moonshining days are over.
It's time for a new career.
How about farming?
Oh, hell, that's right.
You've only got the farm a few more days.
Jesse crashes and burns.
Our condolences to his family.
But the unbeatable, undeniable J.D. Hogg
takes his victory lap,
collects a million dollars
and shags a movie star.
Yeah, you're in a pickle, Jesse.
It's amazing.
You are single and down for anything.
Any girl would love to snatch you up.
He's right.
Now for the most important part.
We baste her with hot juices.
She loves getting basted.
There you go.
Oh, God.
Sis, where is Flashy
and his little squeaky toy?
You know,
the one that looks like a bandido?
You fellas wait right here
while I go get my gun.
Dear brother, you are in my home 'cause
your wife tossed you out on your ear.
Now, if you don't want to sleep
at the jail, leave these boys alone.
These hoodlums are trespassing.
As far as I'm concerned, they are innocent
until someone else
is proven more adorable.
Well, I'm gonna nail
you Dukes hard from behind
when you least expect it.
Kinky.
All right, boys, come on,
let's get out of here.
Y'all let me know
if you need any job applications.
I do own a few businesses in town.
You come back any time, Luke.
You'll be my special helper.
Oh, he'll be back.
- When do we bust them, Boss?
- Don't you worry, Rosco.
If I know Jesse,
he ain't done cooking shine
until they plant his corpse
with the spring crops.
I want to show you boys
something that I'm real proud of.
We'll take your word for it.
I've been working long and hard
to make this one come out right.
Okay, that's disgusting.
This is where we hide the Duke still.
Welcome to the place
where dreams are made.
And illegally bottled and sold at a profit.
Luke, I have a feeling
that we are about to see
how the VIPs are treated at this farm.
This old still has been in our family
for over 100 years, boys.
It makes the best shine in the county.
Back during Prohibition,
Great Grandpa Duke
called together a meeting
of all the shiners.
It was his idea to sell a lot at one time
and make enough money
to get through the winter.
- Genius. A flea market for moonshiners.
- Yeah, kind of like a Shine Mart.
Well, this is our last shot, boys. So
we got to make a lot in the next 24 hours.
Let's not waste any time.
Let's go get Daisy.
Wait.
Leave Daisy alone. She's got her heart set
on that job at the Nest,
and I ain't seen her this passionate
since she played the Virgin Mary
at the Christmas pageant.
Ain't nothing exciting
ever gonna happen around here again.
Shit!
I want a job here.
Done.
I want you take me out tomorrow night.
Done.
Hey, what's your cellphone number
so I can call you.
Cellphone? Oh, you can reach me by CB.
My handle is Bo Peep.
Y'all have a pleasant evening.
You can put your eyeballs
back in your head.
Shine Mart, where the community comes
for bull rides, booze and breasts.
That's what I call real family values.
Attention, folks.
If you drank Ugly Andy's shine,
you might want to report to the medic's
tent 'cause you got two minutes to live.
But tonight's not all about fun.
This is the Dukes' last shot
at saving the farm.
Nice bouquet. Slightly fruity.
Burns your balls off. Makes you blind.
I'll take six cases.
Hey, it's Uncle Jesse!
Yeah, Uncle Jesse!
- Cooter!
- Hey, Candy Corn
and Licorice Stick. Nicknames.
Use them or lose them. Your choice.
Oh, hang on.
She's going to pick a dance partner.
Pick me! Cooter can dance!
Right here! Got my hand up!
Come on, right here!
I'll make you red hot! I'll get you going!
Come on! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
- Have you seen enough?
- I think so.
Come on.
Folks, there's a pickup truck,
license plate, Shiner Sixty-Niner.
Your lights are on.
Red hot!
You got somebody you want to call?
Well, if you weren't right here, I'd call you.
But since you're right here...
You wanna go inside?
All I want is one taste
of that sweet, fiery nectar.
- I know!
- Come here. I wanna tell y'all something.
First Shine Mart we had over here,
Feds come in to bust us,
but they couldn't find no evidence.
Me and Grandpa Duke drank it all up.
I was blind for four days.
I couldn't see a goddamn thing.
I didn't have no hands,
I didn't have no legs.
Just kind of floated around for a while.
Said they found me the next morning,
I was bumping a six-row cultivator
all night long.
So why can't we drink shine?
Your folks don't want y'all drinking shine.
You can't handle it.
A couple of little cuties there that might
want to go for a roll in the hay.
You got my permission
to do that if you want to.
And Duke 'em one time for Uncle Jesse.
- You got it, Uncle Jesse.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
I'm waiting.
- How long?
- Till marriage.
We have to keep our clothes on.
You mean dry-humping?
In layman's terms...
We need a blueprint, a strategy
to get inside these girls' hearts
and their pants.
There's those cute boys again.
Of course, what about being spontaneous?
Just go up, startle them, terrify them,
say the first thing that comes to our head.
I can't do that.
If I can ask questions
and pretend to listen,
then you can go up to Ali Handy
like a commando with a death wish
on his last mission.
- Yeah.
- Go.
Ali Handy?
Me and you is like nitroglycerin
and diatomaceous earth.
Pure dynamite when combined.
- You care to join me for a bull ride?
- No.
I'll watch.
I bet you're pure sex on a bull.
Oh, to be young again.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Ask away, then.
What is all this about alternative energy?
And how do you keep your ass so firm?
Want to get comatosed?
So that's what firewater tastes like.
Good stuff.
That was amazing.
We'll have to try that wet sometime.
- You'll have to put a ring on my finger.
- That is incredibly hot.
Let's get drunk.
- I ain't never got drunk before.
- It's a night of firsts, huh?
I heard your uncle makes
the best moonshine in the state.
- Where did you hear that?
- It's a small town.
Hey, Daisy, you can trust me.
I'm not like other guys.
You can't tell a soul.
Promise?
Promise.
Something here stinks, and it ain't me.
I'm blind.
The damn shine makes you blind.
They've never been drunk before, huh?
Like all boys,
they've never been a lot of things.
Sophisticated, graceful or...
You'll wake the stars.
They're real pretty stars.
Makes me wanna cry.
Hey, let's do another shot.
I swear the boys in this town...
- Cops.
- Cops.
Hold it right there, now!
We got a moonshine party, Boss.
All right, everybody!
Hold it! Freeze! Freeze!
Look at them all running.
Wilma...
Shouldn't you be home with the kids?
My, my, my.
All right, y'all want the good news
or the bad news first?
Well, the good news is
this heat spell's supposed to lighten up.
The bad news is
you're all going to jail tonight.
- Boss?
- Yeah?
I don't think them Duke boys is here, Boss.
You ain't ruining my special night, Rosco.
Now we'll get them, sooner or later.
But for now, this prom queen
is going to enjoy his special moment.
Excuse me.
'Cause the reason is sitting right here.
What in the world's happened to you, J.D.?
Oh, no, call me "Boss."
Where are the girls?
Damn it. I still have my underwear on.
Man, Shine Mart was awesome last night.
I don't remember anything about it.
Uncle Jesse is going to be pissed.
- Oh, my God!
- I wonder what happened.
We better go find Uncle Jesse.
Look awful nice, girl.
All right, knock it off back there, boys.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
Well, you're missing 99% of your pants.
And the other 1% is covering
your magic part.
Well, I like the way they make me feel.
Hughie likes them.
Of course he does.
- Uncle Jesse.
- Easy there, Twiggy.
Now, you will keep your hands off
the zoo critters. Hmm?
Now you got five minutes to do
what youse gots to do.
We're sorry, Uncle Jesse.
We never should have
left you there at Shine Mart.
Then you'd be in jail with me now.
I'm sorry I got y'all into this.
- I was a big fool to do that.
- So how y'all holding up?
Well, these old guys
ain't got no business in here.
They got farms and families at home.
Well, worry no more.
We have got
a foolproof plan to bust you out.
All right, so I'm going to rig this jail
with 500 pounds of military-grade C-4,
blast a hole big enough
for the General to drive through...
Yeah, yeah, I got you. But why don't you
just catch a bus and go back home?
You need to lean on us
like we lean on you.
Never abandon a fellow runner.
I'll tell you what we might do.
J.D. has got a lot of important papers
over at his house.
And I know he's up to something.
That would be a good place to start.
'Cause once a shiner, always a shiner.
All right. We'll go up there right now.
Be careful. Don't run in there too quick.
- Be smart.
- Be strong.
Now why would an old moonshiner
like J.D. Hogg lock up Uncle Jesse?
That's what the boys are here to find out.
But first they got to distract Lulu.
And that's up to Luke,
and he ain't exactly thrilled.
See, Lulu is only distracted by two things.
Barbecue and hot, succulent boys.
Stop worrying and roll with it.
Trust your instincts.
I don't have instincts. I have plans.
At least I used to, until now.
All we got to do
is stall Lulu for 10 minutes,
then we're gone.
I mean, what could happen
in 10 minutes, right?
- Hi, boys.
- Howdy, Lulu.
- You are looking fine today.
- Thank you.
Can I be your
- special helper?
- Oh, yes. Come. Come on.
It was sweet of Bo
to give us some alone time.
Oh, yeah, he's... He's real generous.
You know, you and Boss look real happy.
Our wedding photo. J.D. neglects me.
He can't help it, though.
That's why we never had any kids.
What... You're telling me
the most powerful man in Hazzard is...
Yup.
His testicles shut down the sperm bank
and sent all the workers to China.
Now, mind if I slip into something more...
Comfortable?
I was gonna say boner-inducing, but
comfortable is a polite way of putting it.
While Luke's learning the fine art of
seducing the mentally deranged upstairs,
Bo's searching for evidence downstairs.
This is for Uncle Jesse.
I can do this, man. This is for Uncle Jesse.
Yeah, for Uncle Jesse.
Come to mamacita. Come on.
Yeah?
Luke, is this your first time?
First time?
Oh, I've slept with a thousand women.
- Oh, yeah?
- Of all kinds, too.
Sometimes I feel like I work for the UN.
And I've done every position.
I've even invented a few myself.
Boss, you fiend.
First time? That's funny.
Well, honey, you're more fidgety
than a queer rooster
in an undersexed henhouse, huh?
Look, if you wanna take a breather
and go downstairs,
we can go get Bo.
No, no! I want you now.
Oh, oh, Luke.
Looks like J.D.'s serious
about replacing beers with milkshakes.
Then again,
things ain't always what they seem.
That's the golden rule in Hazzard.
You shut the door one more time,
I'll marinate you, grill you
and eat your ass for supper. Goodbye!
Luke.
Luke!
You are going to die!
Luke, come in!
Lulu, my steamed dumpling!
Big Daddy Trouble's home!
Damn! What's going on?
Oh, you Duke boys are in trouble now!
Pull out!
Pull out!
Big Daddy Trouble's coming, Lulu!
- Oh, Big Daddy Trouble, save me, save me!
- Now, Big Daddy Trouble,
I was just paying Miss Hogg here
a friendly visit.
Oh, you're gonna pay a friendly visit
to the emergency room.
Oh, my...
Come on, Luke!
Come back and see me again!
Rosco, I'm being invaded by Dukes!
You messing with me, boys, huh?
Take that for coming after with my wife!
Luke!
I'm coming, Boss.
Good, Rosco, quick!
Get after them, them Duke boys.
You won't believe what happened!
Put the dog down,
take my car, go after them!
- You were gonna leave me again!
- You forgot to fill the tank again.
- I'm coming for you boys!
- Oh, man!
Move over!
Oh, I'm ready now.
What is that?
Shit-shine ball.
Shit!
I'm backing, I'm backing, I'm backing!
Keep your eyes on the road!
Eyes? Who needs eyes?
Whoa! "Vote for Boss?"
Lean to the left! Lean to the left!
Drive somewhere!
That was fast!
Go!
They're getting...
Rosco!
St. Peter, I'm here.
Rosco! What are you doing?
They'll be drinking margaritas in Mexico
by the time you finish with your nap!
Flash had a little puppy meatloaf, Boss.
That's the sickest thing I've seen today.
Get this thing cleaned up!
God! Good Lord!
So, this is awkward.
This day never happened, all right?
If someone ask us
what happened on this day,
we'll say,
"That's the day we went bowling!"
And not the day that Lulu Hogg rode you
like a Minotaur?
Exactly.
Not that day.
Got your ears on, Lost Sheep?
Got our ears on and eyes peeled.
Listen, fellas,
something strange is going on here.
I saw boxes being delivered
by armed deputies.
Sort of odd in a place
where lemon sorbet is on the menu.
Hang on, Daisy, we'll be there later.
First, we gotta dress up for the occasion.
Rosco.
You still stink.
You stink so bad,
your kids' kids are gonna stink,
if anyone'll procreate with you,
which I doubt.
Now, come on, Boss,
I did my very, very best.
Rosco, if I want advice
on letting criminals escape,
I'll call you.
Calm down.
Them Dukes. They assaulted my boar,
they violated the sanctity of my home,
and they molested
my tender flower of a wife.
Oh, yeah, Boss, I can picture it now.
Their greasy little fingers
running all over her hot buttocks
like a chubby kid looking for chicken wings
in the bottom of a basket.
Rosco!
You dummy, I don't wanna
imagine the circumstance.
I want them in jail!
Can you do that? Can you just...
I got enough worries
with my ice cream parlor investors.
Just add more deputies.
Do whatever it takes. I can't rest
until their gonads are scattered
to the four corners of Hazzard.
Hazzard's a place
where dreams do come true.
Bo and Luke got famous.
Just the wrong way.
Enos finally got deputized.
A hall monitor with a gun. Lord save us.
With their faces plastered all over town,
the boys figured they needed a makeover.
Why the hell do I have to wear the skirt?
Because you have nicer legs.
Thank you.
No way to sugarcoat it,
they make damn fine-looking women.
Get over and talk to them right now,
you hear me, boy?
All right.
Excuse me.
You ladies don't look
like you're from around here.
- Can I help?
- Yes...
I'm Detective Amanda Smith
and this is my partner, Anita Davington.
We're with the Federal Bureau
of Frozen Delights,
and we are conducting an investigation.
Federal agents?
I'm Deputy Enos Strate.
You know, you ought to talk to Daisy.
She's real nice.
Here she comes now.
If you need any further assistance,
just give me a holler.
Here's the key to Boss Hogg's office.
Now, hold on there one minute, little lady.
Failure to dance with the sheriff
is a crime here in Hazzard County,
punishable by 10 years
in a maximum-security prison.
Now, my ex, she chucked
this old poon hound to the curb
like a perp charged on indecent exposure,
failure to communicate,
and wagon wheels on a wing nut.
She thinks upholding the law
is the only thing I care about.
But I do have my other passions.
Don't get fresh, Sheriff.
Oh, my.
You have a grip like an anaconda.
I bet you could swallow me whole, too.
Come on, let's go.
The boys' wigs got them in.
But it was time to leave
the distracting work to a professional.
You ain't never gonna look at a sundae
the same way again.
Oh, baby.
Oh, my.
Yeah, that's cold, all right.
Cool me down.
Sweet.
Rosco shouldn't treat a lady like that.
- Now you're a lady?
- No, but I should be treated like one.
Oh, man, these hose are killing me.
Man, that's hot.
Hey, look, look at that.
Well, how's it coming with the investors?
It's just a matter of time
before the other commissioners
turn the whole state dry.
No one resists the Hogg, John,
including Daisy Duke.
It was a lot more fun
finding out about their still
from that hot piece of tail
than those hillbillies, Bo and Luke.
In less than 24 hours,
we are foreclosing on that Duke farm
and take that still.
Then you'll add your premium shine.
You know, before you go
on your rounds in the morning,
stop by the Boar's Nest.
I got a present for my favorite nephew.
Hughie's a Hogg.
- Daisy.
- Oh, Daisy.
Daisy, wait!
- I can't believe what a jerk he is!
- Daisy, wait!
I know you wanna wrap your thighs
around his chest
and squeeze the air out of him,
so do I.
But we cannot let him know
we're on to him.
We gotta follow Hughie
and see where he takes us, okay?
- I'll kill him with my bare hands!
- No, Daisy!
You'll get your chance with Hughie.
Right now,
we gotta think about Uncle Jesse.
Sorry, Daisy.
They have messed with me
at the wrong time of the month.
Here's what we know so far.
Hughie's a no-good, two-faced Hogg
and Boss is still in the shine business.
With everybody locked up
and the state going dry,
there'll be one place in town
to get good and hammered,
the Boar's Nest ice cream parlor.
Hogg will make a killing, but Bo and Luke
are hoping handsome Hughie
will lead them right to Boss's shine stash
so they can stop him.
Do you follow?
I never said this was going to be easy.
We'll lose him if he gets too far ahead!
I can't get too close.
Driving's second nature to me, Luke.
Orange car. Smart pick, boys, smart pick.
- What the hell?
- I can't see anything.
Hughie is burning some dust.
I can feel the road. Snake coming.
You can feel the road?
Oh! Damn it, Bo, be careful!
I got it! I got it!
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
Oh, man!
Beautiful driving.
You know, you come a long way.
Your instincts are worthless.
- I thought I had him.
- Oh, you lost him.
You lost our best chance of nailing Boss
and getting Uncle Jesse out.
Plan all you want, but somebody's gotta
actually drive and do something.
So you're the smart one, congrats.
What'd that get us, huh?
You know I should have left you
at the farm that first night.
Now I'm stuck here with an idiot.
I'm gone.
That's what you're good at.
Leaving people behind.
Go! No one's gonna miss you.
Now maybe I can finally get laid.
You know something ain't right
when Bo kicks
the thing he loves most in the world.
In fact, I'd say there ain't a whole lot
that is right in Hazzard at the moment.
Poor Uncle Jesse,
just sitting in the clink
wishing he was on the farm he loves.
Poor hot, juicy Daisy.
First, Hughie foreclosed on her heart,
then Rosco foreclosed on the farm.
And so, things didn't turn out
exactly like we hoped for the Dukes.
Ain't that the way life is sometimes?
Thanks! Thanks a lot!
Oh, I got it. I got it, Bo!
I can't follow you, Luke.
I can't cross that line.
I love Hazzard.
I love my hair in the Hazzard sun.
I love Daisy and Uncle Jesse.
I love the smell of pig shit in the morning.
I love the feel of the General Lee's hood
on my tight, toned butt.
Let's forget that all happened, all right?
Heat of the moment.
It'll never happen again.
- That truck wasn't cold.
- What truck?
A Hogg ice cream truck just drove by.
I hit it with my hand and it was warm.
It's kind of hard to keep ice cream cold
with a truck with no freezer.
Okay, I really am the good-looking one.
Explain.
Hogg's using the truck to transport shine.
It's a cover.
And I bet I know
where he's keeping that shine.
Hogg's Ravine, the ice cream factory!
Come on. Let's go find Daisy and Cooter.
The farm belongs to Boss at noon.
That doesn't give us much time.
- I'm so stupid for falling for Hughie.
- You're not stupid, Daisy.
You're the smartest person I know.
He made me feel pretty.
You don't need some big city jackass
to tell you you're pretty.
Yeah.
Hell, Luke and I wanted
to get nasty with you several times
till we realized you were our cousin.
Actually, that didn't even matter to Luke.
It's true.
Thanks, boys.
So what are we gonna do?
We are gonna get Boss to pay for the farm
out of his own pocket.
And why would he do that?
Nothing prettier than a good plan
coming together amongst friends.
I know y'all are anxious to hear about it,
but that'd ruin the surprise.
Well, it ain't perfect.
The General's hurt.
I can't believe I'm gonna let you leave
with the seats all torn.
It breaks my damn heart.
And hopefully, she'll last long enough
for us to do what we gotta do.
Hope's all we got.
Hope and a prayer.
And a dream.
- Hope and a prayer and a dream.
- Okay, we got it, Cooter.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Okay.
Be careful.
Election day in Hazzard,
where folks are expected to vote early
and vote often for Jefferson Davis Hogg.
What a beautiful day for democracy
here in Hazzard.
Here's part one of the plan.
Y'all are gonna see what they mean
by beauty and brains.
Hi, Deputy.
Anything exciting happening?
I don't really get to leave the station,
so this is...
Well, I bet there's a lot
of important police business here.
- Wanna show me around?
- Oh, yes, please.
Every voter is going to get a coupon
good for $1 .00 off
at Hogg's Car Wash and Delicatessen.
Let's get high on the Hogg!
Part two, Cooter's no philosopher,
but he can handle a tow truck
with the grace of a figure skater.
Now all the commissioners here,
we've gotten together and they've seen
how we're living in Hazzard.
It's pure, simple, it's good.
One hand on the Bible,
the other hand on the plow.
That's why we've all banded together
to turn our glorious state dry.
Now, this is just the beginning
of a program that I...
Part three, Bo, Luke and the General Lee.
The perfect marriage of men and machine.
Well, if it ain't the Duke boys
come to turn themself in!
Rosco...
Now, Cooter.
What the...
Oh, boy, are you all right?
Howdy, Boss.
Oh, you Dukes are gonna
face the firing squad for this.
Get in.
Go, Bo.
Attention all units.
Two male suspects driving
a kick-ass orange '69 Charger
are believed to have kidnapped
Commissioner Hogg.
All units respond.
Enjoy the sunny day.
This here
is the emergency broadcast system.
In case of emergency, I get on the horn,
they send me in there,
or I make the call, I mean...
I ain't never seen one of these before.
I don't think you should be playing
with that, Daisy.
- Enos, hand me that screwdriver.
- Yes, ma'am.
You can slow down any time you want!
We got no reason to live!
You've taken the farm from us,
locked up my Uncle Jesse,
now you got us on the run.
You plowed my wife's field
you sexual miscreant.
You should burn at the stake!
We'd rather be the famous outlaws
that died in a police chase.
Unless you tell us
about your shine business!
That's a good one!
I ain't telling you Dukes a thing!
It's either jail or the cemetery
for two no-good bums like you.
Guess we'll take the cemetery, then!
Yeah!
Those darn Duke boys.
It don't get any better than this!
We got them now!
This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
and I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys.
He shot us!
"Protect and serve," my ass!
Hot damn!
Get their tires!
Don't shoot me, you stupid...
Hot damn! I'm alive!
What are you doing?
Wait! You ain't gonna do it!
Boss, you got anything you'd like to say
to your maker, now's a good time.
You ready, Daisy?
You're bluffing!
Don't do it! No!
What...
Getting close, Boss.
Okay! Okay, I...
I locked up your uncle so I could...
So I could run a monopoly, shine
monopoly out of the Boar's Nest, see?
- Then I'd watch these normal people...
- He's a pig!
...spending their hard-earned dollars!
Decent people
spending their money there!
Are you happy?
Are you happy? Is that a crime?
You boys did it!
Everyone in town heard Boss.
Why, you dirty, filthy, conniving Dukes!
Well, it don't matter, though.
You need a little thing called evidence.
Then we got one more thing to do!
No you don't! No you don't!
No!
They're heading back for the ravine!
They're gonna die!
Jump that already! Jump it!
Damn!
Kind of a nifty plan, huh?
See, the boys just found
Boss Hogg's shine operation.
You know what that means.
Excuse me.
I hope Boss brought his checkbook.
Oh, boy.
Folks were mighty tired
of all the shenanigans.
So, Boss was forced to let the shiners go.
Whoa! Hey.
Well, well, well.
Looks like little bluebird is ready to fly.
- Hey.
- Hey!
It's the boys and the girl. How are you?
You know, your folks sent y'all down here
to learn to be gentlemen,
you wind up breaking the law,
running shine
and doing a damn good job of it, too,
I might add.
Let's blow this pop stand, come on.
You good-for-nothing.
Take it all in, Hughie
'cause they don't serve anything this fine
in here.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no.
Daisy, I'm available for conjugal visits.
Daisy!
And since someone
needed to take the fall,
Boss set up Hughie
as his personal Humpty Dumpty.
On one...
The voters weren't too happy
when they learned what Hogg was up to.
So they saw fit to elect a better man.
An honest man.
A dead man.
Turned out the shock of winning
was too much for old man Abernathy.
May he rest in peace.
So the voters, in their infinite wisdom,
put Boss back in office,
figuring the devil you know
is better than the devil you don't.
Get your hand off of there now.
His first official act was to pardon himself
of all wrongdoing.
Boss regretted offering that reward
for uncovering shine.
He figured nobody'd ever catch on to him.
Then, again, he never figured
on Bo and Luke.
They used the reward
to buy back the farm.
Bo finally found someone who appreciated
his particular driving skills.
Wait! Did I pass?
- Yes!
- Yeah!
While Luke found the one gal impressed
by a fella who can blow shit up.
Looks like he'll finally lose his virginity,
and to someone
who doesn't sexually abuse poultry.
Uncle Jesse told the kids
he was quitting the shine business
to spend the rest of his days
as a simple farmer.
They should have known
that didn't smell right.
Once a shiner, always a shiner.
Race you to the General!
Hey, where y'all going?
- We'll be back!
- Don't wait up!
You know the moment in your life
when you realize you're exactly
where you're meant to be?
Hazzard's a place
where two good old boys with a fast car
can really make a name for themselves.
- Floor it, Bo. Floor it!
- Damn!
All right!
I don't understand what's going on.
Those Duke sons of bitches!
Oh, shit!
Well, you dirty son of a bitch...
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
You two sure are pretty.
Stop hanging around, you little monkey.
Fucking around is all I ever care about.
We didn't wanna hit your dog.
Was I talking to you there, circle of life,
golden hair, zebra-eating freak?
Rosco!
Flash had a little
chip wiggle, Boss.
Was I talking to you,
blueberry cobbler ass?
- Gonads scattered in a...
- Stop.
Stop it right there.
I love grease and scattered gonads, Boss.
Come on! Come here, come here.
You hide behind those pigtails
and those braces.
Come on, come on! I can take her!
You got two weeks,
then I'm sending Rosco out
to foreclose on the farm.
And you call yourself a Mason.
Yes, I do.
That's the sickest thing I've seen today.
Get this thing cleaned up!
We cleaning, Boss, we cleaning.
When you say shine, your eyes go
all buggy like a retarded dragonfly.
Hey, can I drive, Uncle Jesse?
I just got my learner's permit.
Looks like you got
a little more learning to do.
Besides that, that ain't my car.
God, you don't have to push me around
like a dirty, fat kid...
That's a scary-ass pig.
It's really funny
until you have your hand chewed off.
All right, this is just for the outtakes.
The cemetery.
You might wanna try some of that mouth
to snout while you're down here.
Come on, Flash, honey.
Let's go get some little greeny-weenies,
some Chinese schoolboys.
Oh, no, call me "Boss."
I got you, Boss, right here in my britches.
This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
production fuck-stick.
Marker.
- You got all tongue-tied, Boss?
- I sure did, yeah.
Did you step in something, son,
because there's some kind of...
Help.
Oh, shit.
There goes my career!
It's suicide. It's suicide.
I gotta... I gotta get out!
folks like to tell stories.
Most are made up or embellished.
Like the time I told everybody in town
that I wrestled three gators at once
when really it was just two slow kids
and a basset hound.
These legends become a part of us.
They show who we are
and who we'd like to be.
Now, I know you've heard of few
about Hazzard's most infamous residents.
But this one, the smallest child in Hazzard
can rattle it off
as fast as he can hot-wire a Chevy.
This here's how it all started.
This is how Bo and Luke
became the Dukes of Hazzard.
Bo Duke. Your average 16-year-old
itching to get his license.
Shopping cart! Shopping cart!
Shopping cart!
Maybe the seventh time will be the charm.
Calling all units. In pursuit of
a male teenager driving a station wagon,
possible hostage situation.
Yeah, Bo Duke.
He's trying to get his license again, huh?
Yeah. He'll be stringed off.
As is.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.
Sorry about that. Kind of hard
to concentrate with all that screaming.
In case you can't already tell,
Bo knows one speed. Fast.
He's 99% instinct and 1% brains.
And that's on a good day.
- I can jump it.
- No, no, no.
- No.
- Oh, shit!
- That fool's crazy. I'm out of here.
- Wait. Did I pass?
No, Bo, you sure as shit didn't,
but you got Tasered
and I hear that's fun.
You might think Bo was
the crown prince of public mayhem,
but four counties over, there was
another contender vying for that throne,
his cousin, Luke Duke.
This poor green pup thought
that the way to a woman's heart
was by blowing shit up.
Someday Luke will learn
that when it comes to women,
he was focused on the wrong kind of bang.
She's a classy kid. Real lady.
Forget about her, Luke.
Let me show you your future
under this table here.
I'm sorry, psychic whore,
but I've already seen my future.
And it's with Debbie Sue.
- Hey, are you ready?
- Hell, I better be ready.
X 90 Armageddons,
Yellow Cycle of Thunders,
Nasty Napalmers that'll
peel back her eyelids,
blow off her silky golden hair,
melt her brain stem,
and open up her heart.
- And she knows this stuff is coming?
- She doesn't even know my name.
Come on, let's go.
She will after tonight.
Hey, Luke,
looks like your princess
is about ready to get her castle stormed.
Sometimes you get so darn busy
planning the plan
that you take your eyes off the prize,
or maybe even blow the prize up.
Oh, shit.
I reckon Luke never planned on
carpet-bombing the county fair.
Twenty injuries, 15 grand in damage,
and Debbie Sue still doesn't know
Luke's name.
Better luck next time, Romeo.
- Get up, get up.
- Luke, you could've killed someone.
Bo's parents and Luke's parents
convinced the judges
that the boys' salvation lay in a summer
of hard work on Uncle Jesse's farm,
a taste of the simple life.
Simple life. That's a good one.
Hazzard County.
Damn.
- What's so funny, Goldilocks?
- Two things always make me laugh.
Monkeys dressed as humans, and
some pussy getting chucked off the bus.
How would like to spend
the night in the morgue?
Show me the way.
Hey, hey. Hey, guys. Nice to see
y'all cousins getting reacquainted.
- Bo?
- Luke?
Welcome to Hazzard.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- Uncle Jesse.
Oh, I'll take the brunette,
you get the blonde.
Man, this J.D. Hogg
sure does like to smile.
He's got a lot to smile about.
He owns the whole town.
I knew him back
when he was messing his britches.
I think he smiled when he did that.
He ain't a bad guy,
but just don't cross him.
Oh, my goodness,
some things have changed.
Corals and cocktails, coz.
I just found Jesus. Yeah!
Yeah.
Keep the garden hoses
in your trousers, boys.
Lot of fun to water the lawn,
but then you got to feed the flowers
and then you got to send them to school.
- Same old truck.
- Yeah. Same old truck.
Hey, Ab.
Come on, already.
I'm gonna be 175 by the time he gets here.
Only running he's done is against J.D.
for county commissioner.
How you doing, Ab?
Got your medicine for you, old buddy.
Reach in there and grab you two
what you like.
I hear you, buddy. See you next week.
Go get 'em.
That's his medicine?
Well, he's 112 years old.
I bring him his medicine every week.
He's got scurvy, malaria, rickets,
chlamydia. You name it, he's got it.
Come on, let's go see Daisy.
- Shotgun.
- Nope, I got here first.
Get in first.
- Whoa.
- Look out for the dog, Uncle Jesse!
You ever wanna find
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane,
go 10 blocks past sanity
and take a right on crazy.
Hang on there, Jesse.
Can't miss him.
Ordinance 733. Hound dogs have
the right of way here in Hazzard County.
That's great detective work, Rosco.
But it ain't no crime.
Maybe lipping off
to an officer of the law is, there,
- Blue Jeans and Bongo Drums.
- We didn't want to hit your dog.
Now was I talking to you, there,
Johnny Jingle Nuts?
Ain't you got nothing better to do?
Well, maybe I could stuff you
in my hold there, little partner.
And you could collect
toenail clippings for fun.
Now, you all just mind yourself.
'Cause this here
is Rosco P. Coltrane's jurisdiction.
I'll send you straight to hell
in a bucket of chicken.
Come on, kid.
Old Rosco ain't never fired that gun,
but he's always looking for a reason.
Let's don't give him one.
Oh, man, pigtails. I love pigtails.
Daisy'll introduce us to the hot locals.
- So we can tag some wild game.
- Yeah.
And then you can stop beating off
to them breast exam ads.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Daisy Duke.
You can't see it yet, but there's a woman
waiting to burst out of her
like an alien invader.
I promised her folks I wouldn't let her date
until she's 18 and she just hit 18.
And she's turning some heads.
What kind of heads is she turning?
And never far behind, Enos Strate.
He likes to hover waiting
to come to her rescue. Kind of sweet.
Look at you.
Oh, hey, Daisy.
Y'all are cuter than boxing gloves
on a kitten.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi. How was Bible school?
Well, Pastor Phil says,
you know, that being a virgin's cool,
so all us girls in class, we signed this oath
saying we won't have sex until marriage.
These are all the things we can't do.
Anyway, me and the girls are
real psyched about being virgins.
- All the girls signed this?
- You bet.
Can't wait to be a virgin again.
Luke, honey, you crying?
Just happy to see you, Daisy.
The Lord loves y'all.
He just wants you to know he'll be
with you all summer, too. Huh, Daisy?
Right. This is gonna be
the best summer ever.
You know what we should be doing
with this shit?
Should be blowin' this shit up.
Hey, you know you can make
low-grade bombs with manure?
Whoa! What are you doing?
- I'm going fast, so I can get done.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, truce. Jeez.
Wash up. Come on in for supper.
We got ham hocks, pickles, pig's feet.
And you can finish shoveling that manure
after you have your dessert.
Then we're done?
Then you got to go down by the road
and fix the fence,
feed the chickens and bale some hay.
So, we work, what, all the time?
No, well, not all the time.
You get four solid hours of sleep.
And remember,
Annabelle can't inseminate herself.
God!
Nothing like a good day's rest
after an honest day's work.
Unless, of course,
you're planning your escape.
Vintage Luke Duke.
Sneaking off without me again?
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm 10, you're 11. The nurses' school.
The nurses.
You didn't want to climb that tree.
You wanted to map it out, draw
a diagram, take a course in tree climbing,
but I convinced you.
What did you see?
I saw boobies.
Big boobies, little boobies,
classy boobies, I saw a feast of boobies.
The Thanksgiving Day Parade of boobies.
And did you thank me?
Thank you.
No, you heard someone coming
and you got down.
I've had a lifetime of boobies.
But I will never, ever forget
you leaving me.
Six years ago, all right? I was a little kid.
Sweet ride.
Uncle Jesse's friends with a pimp?
Boss Hogg.
- That man knows how to live.
- That's business.
Money, power, probably got a hot wife.
Definitely no farmer.
Yeah.
The Boar's Nest is kicking! It's
an election year. Put that on, dumpling.
- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm going in.
Bo, don't... Bo!
Boys.
Hi, fellas.
- What is this place?
- I don't know.
But four slices of a sex pie
just walked right through that door.
I think they need a little scoop of Bo
on top.
Whoa! Where do you think
you boys are going?
We're with them.
Okay. Thank you.
Nice sleeves.
No place for minors
is definitely a place for us.
- There's got to be another way in.
- Let's go.
- Whoa, ladies.
- Yeah.
- Well, what have we got here?
- Let me know.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Hello, folks, how you doing?
How are you doing?
- How y'all doing?
- You called my mother a what?
Not gonna take that.
- Look at that.
- There you go. Great shot.
J.D. Hogg is in the house.
Hey, now,
they're fighting over you, there, Joanne.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey. You wanna piece of him,
you better take a piece of me.
It's locked.
- I'm going this way.
- Wait up.
Boss Hogg's prize boar Dainty.
Three time state champ
and a close second in J.D.'s heart,
after his wife Lulu.
It's Hogg's hog.
Stay. Sit.
- So, how's Lulu?
- Expensive.
My wife's got a jewelry habit that'd
make a crack whore look sensible.
Lucky you're the richest guy
in Hazzard, huh?
Yeah. It's good enough
for a county commissioner.
But what about the future?
Governor Hogg.
President Hogg. Prime Minister Hogg.
- Well, I ain't much into politics.
- These things cost big bucks.
Seems my temporary blindness
to your illegal activities
- should be worth more like 10%.
- Oh, it is.
- Undying friendship.
- Which is nice.
But I'm thinking more like 25%.
Well, I ain't making a lot of money
out there selling shine.
I'm paying a few bills,
but I ain't getting rich.
Which brings me to my next proposal.
It's high time we expand
your little operation, sell abroad.
I ain't selling no broads.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'm talking
about neighboring counties.
I can't afford to go to jail.
I've got three young'uns that I'm raising.
You're thinking small, Jesse.
We could be partners.
Rich as rich, chocolatey Ovaltine.
I really don't think it's right that
I cut you in after you've been elected.
- It's kind of like bribery, don't you think?
- It is bribery, Jesse.
What the hell you think
we've been doing out there,
selling cotton candy to nuns?
One way or the other,
I'm gonna get my money.
You got two weeks, then I'm sending
Rosco out to foreclose on the farm.
No more slipping on payments.
- Hey, where did she go?
- Who?
Who?
Come on, we'll save you, Dainty.
Hang on, girl.
Come on.
No, no. Hold on. Come on.
Oh, no.
- Would you pull, Bo?
- That is... What did she eat?
Dainty!
Dainty!
Did you meet my nephews over there,
Bo and Luke?
Y'all better pray my girl survives.
Two weeks and your farm is mine.
Dukes have been living and dying
on this farm for 150 years.
Great Grandpa Duke built this
out of a bucket of nails and a rock.
My pa died sitting in that chair
right where you are, Luke.
Shat himself
and then went gently into the night.
God rest his soul.
Hell, I was born right here on this table.
Mama's water broke, I popped out there
like a log ride at a water park.
I can't lose my home.
Look, I'll get a job at the Boar's Nest.
And I'll crack open some shine
to settle our nerves.
Can't wait for that tasty beverage.
You ain't never drinking that shine.
You hear me?
Now, J.D.'s mad.
And that stunt y'all pulled
with the flying pig didn't help none.
And he's gonna collect.
And I couldn't make enough shine
and still have time to run it
and cover the loan.
No. But we could.
Hell, yeah. We could run it.
Us working together,
we'd come up with the money.
No, your folks sent y'all down here
to be good men,
not to be shine runners.
And if you get throwed in jail,
you could be there a long time.
Listen, Uncle Jesse.
We don't have a choice.
All we have is two weeks.
- If we sell enough...
- And we're quick enough...
You don't have to worry
about Boss Hogg again.
We're Dukes. This is our farm, too.
- And no one's taking it from us.
- It ain't a bad idea, Uncle Jesse.
All we need is...
- A fast car.
- Yeah.
There's an old saying
that the journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
Sometimes those steps can be blocked
by a bunch of annoying little girls.
- Hello, tiny girls.
- Excuse me, ladies.
Have any of you adorable little tykes seen
a super-charged,
high performance, V-8 engine
laying around here anywhere?
Look, we're 9, what do you want from us?
Oh, that's it. Come here. Come here.
Oh, you hide behind those pigtails
and those braces, come on. Come on.
Man, that guy's an idiot.
She ain't worth it.
Yeah. She's lucky you won't beat up
anything under 10.
She's lucky I got standards.
A gasoline bomb just detonated
in my heart.
- Who are they?
- The Handy sisters.
Brooke and Ali. Look, those girls
have reps for doing anything.
- Stay away.
- Oh, definitely.
Definitely gonna stay away
from the girls who'll do anything.
Sound advice. I'm gonna go talk to them.
Who needs to talk when you got
a blonde river on your head?
- Bo, let me talk to them.
- Blonde river.
- Talk.
- Blonde river.
Hello, up there.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hi.
Yeah. I'm Luke. Cousin Bo.
- Charmed.
- Seriously?
Thanks.
That is awesome.
Fellas.
We gotta go.
We got some business to attend to.
We do?
We do. It was nice chatting with you.
Come on.
So, they set out to find the perfect car.
Starting at the high school,
where kids learn reading, writing
and the real meaning of third base.
There's only one guy I know
who is a genius with cars.
Are sure, Daisy? I mean, we need
a serious garage, not some high school.
They might cut home economics
and the debate squad,
but there's always room in the budget
for shop class in Hazzard.
How come boys never notice me?
'Cause you're dressed like a lady golfer
who likes to swoon lady bikers.
No, he's kidding. You're more of
a lady construction worker on her day off.
So, where is this engine whiz
you've been talking about?
Somebody call my name?
Hey. Hey.
- Daisy Duke.
- Cooter.
These are my cousins, Bo and Luke.
Pleasure to meet you,
Sweet Innocent and Dark Mystery.
Just nicknames. Take 'em or leave 'em.
My stars. That is real nice.
Hey, I'll bet that breathes real good,
doesn't it?
- Are you the shop teacher?
- Hell, no. I'm a student.
- Daisy tells us you know cars.
- Cars? Yes.
Look at this baby.
Math and history? No.
A high school diploma remains
just out of reach.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise,
they'll let me be a senior a fourth time.
There's still much work to be done here.
- We need something reliable.
- Something with speed.
Speed I can do.
My trademark? Horns.
That song needs work.
Okay, you want something
a little more edgier, then?
What do you say,
we test drive this sucker, huh?
Well, shit. I'll try anything once.
Except guy-on-guy. I'm just kidding.
I'd try that.
All right. Come on.
I got the perfect place to open her up.
Watch out. Watch your back.
Coming through.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
- Whoa!
- Look out, man.
Coming through. Bo Duke.
You're gonna kill us, Bo.
Here's a little reminder that we live
in the greatest country on the planet.
Oh, man.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, you missed a spot.
Hey!
Please don't touch that!
Get back and help me.
Bo, you can't go there.
Don't be driving down the halls like that.
You can't be driving
down the halls like that.
Slow down. Pull that thing over.
Oh, no. Oh, man.
- Well, I could jump it.
- It?
Her. It.
Whatever. I can jump it.
Hot damn.
I ain't seen moves like that since a tornado
touched down in Miss Lally's class
and ended the evolution debate
once and for all.
- Hey, Enos.
- Cooter.
- Are you mixed up with them?
- Like a mixed romaine salad
topped with vinaigrette and pecans.
- Hi, Enos.
- Hi, Daisy.
Looks like you got manhandled.
Actually, it was the JV cheerleading
squad. Thank God it wasn't varsity.
Listen, Enos. My cousins are new in town.
Maybe, as my friend, you can let them go.
Just this once.
Oh, sure, Daisy. For you.
Let's get you back together.
They don't teach you about cheerleaders
in training you to be a hall monitor.
I'd say you can handle that engine, Cooter.
Yeah?
Now all we need is the perfect body.
Boys, I feel like I've been failing
my whole life for this moment.
Come on. I know a place. Hop in.
The county junkyard.
Yep. You might see
nothing but piles of junk,
but these boys see warm dollops of clay
ripe for sculpting into greatness.
What are you looking for, Buddha?
My gut is gonna tell me
when I've found the right car.
All right, don't question me on this
and I won't question you on being a virgin.
All right, who told you that, huh?
I want names, addresses, phone numbers,
next of kin.
'Cause I've slept
with thousands of women.
Oh, well, that's smart in this day and age.
Well, we're all virgins
till we've been with the one that we love.
Well, that's good. Except I ain't a virgin.
Virginity ain't a crime, now.
Except in the State of Bo.
Watch this.
I'm okay.
What's with sliding across the hood.
Why would I waste my time
walking all the way around the car?
Think, Luke.
You're supposed to be the smart one.
I'm the good-looking one.
I know the right car is here somewhere.
Bo.
I admire his passion, but that boy is crazy.
Well, what do you say we call it a day?
Go cool off. Get some smoothies.
I know a place.
- All right.
- Come on, big guy.
Boys, welcome to Hogg's Ravine.
- Is there anything Hogg doesn't own?
- Nope.
But one day,
I'm gonna open up my own garage.
Cooter's Garage.
It'll have my name on it.
Boss ain't gonna own that.
Hey, what's on the other side
of the ravine?
Factory for Hogg's ice cream.
- Hogg makes ice cream?
- Yup, yup, yup. I never had any,
but I heard
the peach melba's absolutely outrageous.
Anyway, no one's allowed over there.
Road's all gated up.
Boss is very protective of his recipe.
Hey, boys.
Sunny-side up or over easy?
Call it in the air.
I've always been a breast man.
Okay, you take the rack, I'll take the back.
Watch and learn, Luke. Watch and learn.
Ladies, do me.
Hey, girls, watch me.
- Why you got to go and do that?
- I like it.
- Anybody ever dive in there?
- Sometimes.
I'll be dipped.
You said people dive in here all the time.
I thought it was safe.
Oh, no, hell, no.
I said sometimes people dive.
Most of the time they end up crippled or
- on life support or brain damaged.
- Oh, man.
Just depends.
Oh, man. I'm coming for you, Luke.
Come on. Don't die on me, now.
You'd think Bo'd be under water
looking for his drowning cousin.
But it's hard to think
about your loved ones
when you've found a sunken treasure.
Breathe.
Score one for Cooter.
There is a car down there.
Thanks for saving me, Bo.
It's a '69 Dodge Charger.
Well, I'll be mud on a frog's back.
Hey, back in my pop's day, they used to
dare each other to jump the ravine.
Some stupid son of a bitch tried.
- Sounds like he didn't make it.
- Nobody can. It's impossible.
Car must not be that hot, neither.
No. That is the car. I can feel it.
It just hasn't found the right driver yet.
It's from the Civil War.
What's your lucky number, Bo?
One.
Ain't that just about
the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
That car kicks so much ass
it should have feet.
- Why you gotta go and do that?
- Because it's cool.
You sure you don't want me
to weld your side shut?
- No.
- All right.
- Ready, coz?
- Ready, coz.
All right, boys, listen.
This little baby here... Oh, sorry.
That's mechanic talk.
This car, well, it's got enough parts,
it'd make the Pentagon wet.
All right? Break it in nice and easy.
Race you.
Go, Bo!
I'm not gonna see that car for a while,
am I?
I don't think so.
Oh, my goodness.
I wanna paint. I wanna sail.
I wanna help old people and children.
But most of all, I wanna drive this car
right through the sound barrier.
Oh, my God.
Bo just discovered religion and Cooter.
Cooter, you're his prophet.
Thank you, man.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- It's okay, pal.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry today.
Look at me.
You're an honorary Duke now, Cooter.
You know, when I was a Ridge Runner
moving shine and leaving them cops
choking in my dust,
we used to name our cars after generals.
Oh, well, then, this should be named
after the greatest of all.
General Lee.
You know, running shine is a lot
like knowing how to kill a man
with your thumb 12 ways.
It ain't really that hard
once you know how,
but you got to practice at it.
You can kill a man with your thumb?
Forget that part.
Here's what you got to remember.
It's more than just speed out here.
You got to be smart.
Been going over this map of Hazzard.
- I think I got our routes figured out.
- Well, that's good.
But you got to improvise.
Unforeseen circumstances come up
quicker than a stiffy on prom night.
Best advice I ever had was
from an old moonshiner buddy of mine,
- old "Three Nipples" Ned.
- The man had three nipples?
No, he really had four,
but we didn't want to call attention to it.
So he told us on his death bed,
he said these three words.
- He said, "Don't get caught."
- Cops got him?
No, actually it was Emmy Lou Hassett.
It was that tertiary syphilis.
That's another thing
you want to remember, now.
If you don't want your pecker
to feel like a flame-thrower,
you better wear a rubber.
Uncle Jesse, don't you think
we should sample the product
- for our customers' sake?
- Yeah, Bo's right.
I mean, people might have questions.
I don't think y'all's folks want y'all
out here drinking and driving shine.
Time to baptize the General. Come on.
For a week those boys tore
up and down the county,
making stops for every teacher,
preacher and milkmaid in sight.
Bo and Luke became the fastest
shine runners in Hazzard history.
Holy water.
Thank you.
So things were tasting sweeter
than applejack in a honeydew melon
for the Duke boys.
But remember,
Daisy wanted to help out, too,
and she'd be damned
if she wasn't gonna make a contribution.
Well, a new face in Hazzard.
Now, I'll tell you city folk
ain't really my type,
but this was a flavor
Daisy had never tasted.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just want to see about a waitressing job.
Look, don't worry.
A little water will take that right out.
Look.
I'm not trying to be rude,
but you just don't have the right look
for the Nest.
These girls are tough, confident.
Oh, right.
Hey.
Her interviewing skills
leave something to be desired.
Thank you.
But she accomplished one thing.
Daisy done gone and got herself smitten.
Daisy?
I just acted like a fool in front of the most
gorgeous, handsome man
ever to come to Hazzard.
But I just got here.
Ladies, hello.
- Ladies.
- Hi.
Brooke! Ali!
Ladies! How you doing?
- Cooter.
- Yeah?
- Let's make a toast.
- Yes, yes, let's make a toast.
To waking up in Chickasaw
in the strong protective arms
of a female correctional officer.
What a night!
We're gonna go.
Yeah, we're teaching erotic dance
at the senior center.
And we're late. Sorry.
- Don't go!
- Don't go!
- Thanks a lot, Cooter.
- Was it the toast?
Sorry.
You guys came in
in that '69 Charger, right?
The General Lee.
Hi, I'm Hughie, the new manager.
Yeah.
I thought you'd like some Hogg d'oeuvres
on the house. Well, come on.
Those Boss Hoggs in a blanket
are absolutely magic.
Yes, they are.
So I got to say, you guys have
one killer orange car out there.
Yeah, two things I can't live without.
My car
and my cellphone.
Except I can't get any reception
around here.
- How do you guys survive?
- We use a CB.
A CB.
Well, I have to get back to work,
but you know we should hang out
if you guys know
anything to do around here.
- Oh, yeah, we know lots to do.
- Yeah, all right. Excellent.
Well, I'll see you guys around.
Sorry, guys. Boss told me
to turn up the TV every time he's on.
Folks, Hazzard's sick. What's the cause?
Greedy shiners like these two
selling their liquid fire
to the unsuspecting.
Come on.
Now let this be a warning
to all you moonshiners out there.
My deputies will find you,
they'll smoke you out of your holes,
and they'll send you back to hell.
I ain't done yet!
Earlier today I declared Hazzard
a dry county, and anyone
who uncovers a moonshine operation
will collect a handsome $25,000 reward.
Okay.
Now to show my level of commitment,
I'm turning my own Boar's Nest
into an ice cream parlor.
Yummy, huh?
That's good eating, right there.
Let this be known, that together
we can all live high on the Hogg.
How do you like my Hoggettes?
Thank you.
I can't believe
that Boss declared war on us.
- You worried?
- Please.
The General Lee comes equipped
with a gas pedal and my foot.
We got the fastest car in 37 counties.
- Well, well, well.
- Afternoon, Rosco.
We just saw you on TV.
You know, you make a convincing sheriff.
You really do. Hey, Flash.
Don't you touch Flash, you deviant. Hey!
You know I got
a couple of shine-swilling weasels
in the back of my squad car,
and they're starting to smell like ass.
Where is that shine-selling uncle of yours?
You know, you're much better-looking
in person?
Delicate. TV hides
how pretty you really are.
Now, I didn't come over here
to have you tell me how pretty I am.
I know how pretty I am.
Now you open up the General Lee
and let me see that contraband.
Come on, move.
That's why they call me the rattlesnake,
boy.
- 'Cause when I sense trouble, I strike.
- ...contraband, Rosco.
Figures old Rosco'd leave the keys
right on the seat.
Go, go, go.
He's dumb as a screen door
on a submarine.
That's a real fancy car you got here,
Rosco.
Almost make you seem like a real sheriff.
Well, thank you for... Wait a minute.
I am the real sheriff here.
I won 46.7% of the vote.
- Who did you run against?
- Well, I ran unopposed,
'cause no one was man enough
to run against me.
Now you get this rig popped open
real quick-like,
like a little tiny Chinese toy box... Hey!
They gave you a real gun, Rosco.
That is awesome. That is great.
Hey, don't you touch that.
That's standard issue.
Don't touch my puppy. Don't touch her.
- Hey, my bullets! What...
- Oh, now look what I've done.
- Hey, there.
- Here you go.
Don't rub it on your leg like that.
We got chores to do, Rosco.
It ain't easy being a simple farmer.
No, no, this is an unacceptable...
Give me that moonshine.
Yeah, I got to get that door fixed, Rosco.
Sorry about that.
- See you next time.
- I know there's shine in here.
- Hey!
- Oh, wait, Rosco.
Maybe next time you can chase us
like a real cop.
You let them go, little Flash honey.
Don't you burn rubber on me!
I know where you live!
Hey! Hey, now...
Hey, this is Rosco.
We got some shiners on the run.
Looks like y'all were right, boys.
They're locking up people.
J.D. had Rosco run off all our customers.
Ain't right, them scaring people.
Well, this is getting way too dangerous.
- That could be y'all in jail, or even worse.
- Don't say it, Uncle Jesse.
I'm not about to send y'all home
to your folks in wooden boxes,
and this farm ain't worth saving
if we got to lose you boys.
- There's got to be something we can do.
- Maybe there is.
I got a couple of suits at home
that might fit y'all.
What do you say we pay old J.D. a visit?
It might be time to call a truce.
Oh, my gosh. You boys look like
you just fell off a wedding cake.
Thanks, Daisy. What're you doing?
Hughie ain't rejecting me again.
Hot enough for you, Hughie?
What's the point? I should be a nun.
Doesn't Daisy look mighty discouraged?
But some lessons
you got to learn by yourself.
You leave a spark alone
you might just find yourself
in the middle of a raging inferno.
So while one Duke is on a quest
to find her inner hotness,
the other Dukes are about to get
all hot and bothered
by a first-class culinary experience
care of Mrs. Lulu Hogg.
So, you boys ever roasted a turkey before?
- No, Miss Hogg.
- Oh, please, call me Lulu.
It's Arabic for pearl.
You know where to find a pearl?
Open a clam, spread the fleshy pink meat
with your fingers,
and find something beautiful.
You know it's summer,
'cause this woman's in heat
and insane.
You keep this up,
you're gonna get my boys hurt.
Your boys are riding shine,
not a-riding ponies.
Getting hurt's part of the territory.
Now we pat her dry, boys.
Not that she don't enjoy being wet,
but she likes to have her bottom patted.
There. Come on, Luke.
Yeah, go on, Luke. Don't be shy.
You love to cook.
That's Hazzard Mountain over there.
You remember we flipped that car
seven times.
Shook our brains up a little bit,
we still got up and delivered that load
on time, on foot. Remember that?
- Ancient history.
- Well, I don't forget things like that.
You done broke the pact
that we used to live by.
You don't hurt a fellow moonshiner.
You broke the pact when you ended
our business arrangement.
Now that you aren't a friend of J.D. Hogg,
you're finding Hazzard to be lonelier
than a chubby kid at space camp.
Now, you wanna stuff her body cavity.
Come on.
Stuff it good. Good.
You try to get deep inside there.
Come on, now. Get on up in there.
- Get it in there, Luke. Come on.
- Come on now.
- Go on in there.
- Come on, Luke. Don't be shy.
- Okay.
- Stick it in there. Come on.
Come on, Luke.
Look, Jesse loses control. Can he recover?
You're gonna let this personal feud
between you and I get out of hand.
You got a dry county,
and you're arresting moonshiners.
These are nice guys.
Your moonshining days are over.
It's time for a new career.
How about farming?
Oh, hell, that's right.
You've only got the farm a few more days.
Jesse crashes and burns.
Our condolences to his family.
But the unbeatable, undeniable J.D. Hogg
takes his victory lap,
collects a million dollars
and shags a movie star.
Yeah, you're in a pickle, Jesse.
It's amazing.
You are single and down for anything.
Any girl would love to snatch you up.
He's right.
Now for the most important part.
We baste her with hot juices.
She loves getting basted.
There you go.
Oh, God.
Sis, where is Flashy
and his little squeaky toy?
You know,
the one that looks like a bandido?
You fellas wait right here
while I go get my gun.
Dear brother, you are in my home 'cause
your wife tossed you out on your ear.
Now, if you don't want to sleep
at the jail, leave these boys alone.
These hoodlums are trespassing.
As far as I'm concerned, they are innocent
until someone else
is proven more adorable.
Well, I'm gonna nail
you Dukes hard from behind
when you least expect it.
Kinky.
All right, boys, come on,
let's get out of here.
Y'all let me know
if you need any job applications.
I do own a few businesses in town.
You come back any time, Luke.
You'll be my special helper.
Oh, he'll be back.
- When do we bust them, Boss?
- Don't you worry, Rosco.
If I know Jesse,
he ain't done cooking shine
until they plant his corpse
with the spring crops.
I want to show you boys
something that I'm real proud of.
We'll take your word for it.
I've been working long and hard
to make this one come out right.
Okay, that's disgusting.
This is where we hide the Duke still.
Welcome to the place
where dreams are made.
And illegally bottled and sold at a profit.
Luke, I have a feeling
that we are about to see
how the VIPs are treated at this farm.
This old still has been in our family
for over 100 years, boys.
It makes the best shine in the county.
Back during Prohibition,
Great Grandpa Duke
called together a meeting
of all the shiners.
It was his idea to sell a lot at one time
and make enough money
to get through the winter.
- Genius. A flea market for moonshiners.
- Yeah, kind of like a Shine Mart.
Well, this is our last shot, boys. So
we got to make a lot in the next 24 hours.
Let's not waste any time.
Let's go get Daisy.
Wait.
Leave Daisy alone. She's got her heart set
on that job at the Nest,
and I ain't seen her this passionate
since she played the Virgin Mary
at the Christmas pageant.
Ain't nothing exciting
ever gonna happen around here again.
Shit!
I want a job here.
Done.
I want you take me out tomorrow night.
Done.
Hey, what's your cellphone number
so I can call you.
Cellphone? Oh, you can reach me by CB.
My handle is Bo Peep.
Y'all have a pleasant evening.
You can put your eyeballs
back in your head.
Shine Mart, where the community comes
for bull rides, booze and breasts.
That's what I call real family values.
Attention, folks.
If you drank Ugly Andy's shine,
you might want to report to the medic's
tent 'cause you got two minutes to live.
But tonight's not all about fun.
This is the Dukes' last shot
at saving the farm.
Nice bouquet. Slightly fruity.
Burns your balls off. Makes you blind.
I'll take six cases.
Hey, it's Uncle Jesse!
Yeah, Uncle Jesse!
- Cooter!
- Hey, Candy Corn
and Licorice Stick. Nicknames.
Use them or lose them. Your choice.
Oh, hang on.
She's going to pick a dance partner.
Pick me! Cooter can dance!
Right here! Got my hand up!
Come on, right here!
I'll make you red hot! I'll get you going!
Come on! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
- Have you seen enough?
- I think so.
Come on.
Folks, there's a pickup truck,
license plate, Shiner Sixty-Niner.
Your lights are on.
Red hot!
You got somebody you want to call?
Well, if you weren't right here, I'd call you.
But since you're right here...
You wanna go inside?
All I want is one taste
of that sweet, fiery nectar.
- I know!
- Come here. I wanna tell y'all something.
First Shine Mart we had over here,
Feds come in to bust us,
but they couldn't find no evidence.
Me and Grandpa Duke drank it all up.
I was blind for four days.
I couldn't see a goddamn thing.
I didn't have no hands,
I didn't have no legs.
Just kind of floated around for a while.
Said they found me the next morning,
I was bumping a six-row cultivator
all night long.
So why can't we drink shine?
Your folks don't want y'all drinking shine.
You can't handle it.
A couple of little cuties there that might
want to go for a roll in the hay.
You got my permission
to do that if you want to.
And Duke 'em one time for Uncle Jesse.
- You got it, Uncle Jesse.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
I'm waiting.
- How long?
- Till marriage.
We have to keep our clothes on.
You mean dry-humping?
In layman's terms...
We need a blueprint, a strategy
to get inside these girls' hearts
and their pants.
There's those cute boys again.
Of course, what about being spontaneous?
Just go up, startle them, terrify them,
say the first thing that comes to our head.
I can't do that.
If I can ask questions
and pretend to listen,
then you can go up to Ali Handy
like a commando with a death wish
on his last mission.
- Yeah.
- Go.
Ali Handy?
Me and you is like nitroglycerin
and diatomaceous earth.
Pure dynamite when combined.
- You care to join me for a bull ride?
- No.
I'll watch.
I bet you're pure sex on a bull.
Oh, to be young again.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Ask away, then.
What is all this about alternative energy?
And how do you keep your ass so firm?
Want to get comatosed?
So that's what firewater tastes like.
Good stuff.
That was amazing.
We'll have to try that wet sometime.
- You'll have to put a ring on my finger.
- That is incredibly hot.
Let's get drunk.
- I ain't never got drunk before.
- It's a night of firsts, huh?
I heard your uncle makes
the best moonshine in the state.
- Where did you hear that?
- It's a small town.
Hey, Daisy, you can trust me.
I'm not like other guys.
You can't tell a soul.
Promise?
Promise.
Something here stinks, and it ain't me.
I'm blind.
The damn shine makes you blind.
They've never been drunk before, huh?
Like all boys,
they've never been a lot of things.
Sophisticated, graceful or...
You'll wake the stars.
They're real pretty stars.
Makes me wanna cry.
Hey, let's do another shot.
I swear the boys in this town...
- Cops.
- Cops.
Hold it right there, now!
We got a moonshine party, Boss.
All right, everybody!
Hold it! Freeze! Freeze!
Look at them all running.
Wilma...
Shouldn't you be home with the kids?
My, my, my.
All right, y'all want the good news
or the bad news first?
Well, the good news is
this heat spell's supposed to lighten up.
The bad news is
you're all going to jail tonight.
- Boss?
- Yeah?
I don't think them Duke boys is here, Boss.
You ain't ruining my special night, Rosco.
Now we'll get them, sooner or later.
But for now, this prom queen
is going to enjoy his special moment.
Excuse me.
'Cause the reason is sitting right here.
What in the world's happened to you, J.D.?
Oh, no, call me "Boss."
Where are the girls?
Damn it. I still have my underwear on.
Man, Shine Mart was awesome last night.
I don't remember anything about it.
Uncle Jesse is going to be pissed.
- Oh, my God!
- I wonder what happened.
We better go find Uncle Jesse.
Look awful nice, girl.
All right, knock it off back there, boys.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
Well, you're missing 99% of your pants.
And the other 1% is covering
your magic part.
Well, I like the way they make me feel.
Hughie likes them.
Of course he does.
- Uncle Jesse.
- Easy there, Twiggy.
Now, you will keep your hands off
the zoo critters. Hmm?
Now you got five minutes to do
what youse gots to do.
We're sorry, Uncle Jesse.
We never should have
left you there at Shine Mart.
Then you'd be in jail with me now.
I'm sorry I got y'all into this.
- I was a big fool to do that.
- So how y'all holding up?
Well, these old guys
ain't got no business in here.
They got farms and families at home.
Well, worry no more.
We have got
a foolproof plan to bust you out.
All right, so I'm going to rig this jail
with 500 pounds of military-grade C-4,
blast a hole big enough
for the General to drive through...
Yeah, yeah, I got you. But why don't you
just catch a bus and go back home?
You need to lean on us
like we lean on you.
Never abandon a fellow runner.
I'll tell you what we might do.
J.D. has got a lot of important papers
over at his house.
And I know he's up to something.
That would be a good place to start.
'Cause once a shiner, always a shiner.
All right. We'll go up there right now.
Be careful. Don't run in there too quick.
- Be smart.
- Be strong.
Now why would an old moonshiner
like J.D. Hogg lock up Uncle Jesse?
That's what the boys are here to find out.
But first they got to distract Lulu.
And that's up to Luke,
and he ain't exactly thrilled.
See, Lulu is only distracted by two things.
Barbecue and hot, succulent boys.
Stop worrying and roll with it.
Trust your instincts.
I don't have instincts. I have plans.
At least I used to, until now.
All we got to do
is stall Lulu for 10 minutes,
then we're gone.
I mean, what could happen
in 10 minutes, right?
- Hi, boys.
- Howdy, Lulu.
- You are looking fine today.
- Thank you.
Can I be your
- special helper?
- Oh, yes. Come. Come on.
It was sweet of Bo
to give us some alone time.
Oh, yeah, he's... He's real generous.
You know, you and Boss look real happy.
Our wedding photo. J.D. neglects me.
He can't help it, though.
That's why we never had any kids.
What... You're telling me
the most powerful man in Hazzard is...
Yup.
His testicles shut down the sperm bank
and sent all the workers to China.
Now, mind if I slip into something more...
Comfortable?
I was gonna say boner-inducing, but
comfortable is a polite way of putting it.
While Luke's learning the fine art of
seducing the mentally deranged upstairs,
Bo's searching for evidence downstairs.
This is for Uncle Jesse.
I can do this, man. This is for Uncle Jesse.
Yeah, for Uncle Jesse.
Come to mamacita. Come on.
Yeah?
Luke, is this your first time?
First time?
Oh, I've slept with a thousand women.
- Oh, yeah?
- Of all kinds, too.
Sometimes I feel like I work for the UN.
And I've done every position.
I've even invented a few myself.
Boss, you fiend.
First time? That's funny.
Well, honey, you're more fidgety
than a queer rooster
in an undersexed henhouse, huh?
Look, if you wanna take a breather
and go downstairs,
we can go get Bo.
No, no! I want you now.
Oh, oh, Luke.
Looks like J.D.'s serious
about replacing beers with milkshakes.
Then again,
things ain't always what they seem.
That's the golden rule in Hazzard.
You shut the door one more time,
I'll marinate you, grill you
and eat your ass for supper. Goodbye!
Luke.
Luke!
You are going to die!
Luke, come in!
Lulu, my steamed dumpling!
Big Daddy Trouble's home!
Damn! What's going on?
Oh, you Duke boys are in trouble now!
Pull out!
Pull out!
Big Daddy Trouble's coming, Lulu!
- Oh, Big Daddy Trouble, save me, save me!
- Now, Big Daddy Trouble,
I was just paying Miss Hogg here
a friendly visit.
Oh, you're gonna pay a friendly visit
to the emergency room.
Oh, my...
Come on, Luke!
Come back and see me again!
Rosco, I'm being invaded by Dukes!
You messing with me, boys, huh?
Take that for coming after with my wife!
Luke!
I'm coming, Boss.
Good, Rosco, quick!
Get after them, them Duke boys.
You won't believe what happened!
Put the dog down,
take my car, go after them!
- You were gonna leave me again!
- You forgot to fill the tank again.
- I'm coming for you boys!
- Oh, man!
Move over!
Oh, I'm ready now.
What is that?
Shit-shine ball.
Shit!
I'm backing, I'm backing, I'm backing!
Keep your eyes on the road!
Eyes? Who needs eyes?
Whoa! "Vote for Boss?"
Lean to the left! Lean to the left!
Drive somewhere!
That was fast!
Go!
They're getting...
Rosco!
St. Peter, I'm here.
Rosco! What are you doing?
They'll be drinking margaritas in Mexico
by the time you finish with your nap!
Flash had a little puppy meatloaf, Boss.
That's the sickest thing I've seen today.
Get this thing cleaned up!
God! Good Lord!
So, this is awkward.
This day never happened, all right?
If someone ask us
what happened on this day,
we'll say,
"That's the day we went bowling!"
And not the day that Lulu Hogg rode you
like a Minotaur?
Exactly.
Not that day.
Got your ears on, Lost Sheep?
Got our ears on and eyes peeled.
Listen, fellas,
something strange is going on here.
I saw boxes being delivered
by armed deputies.
Sort of odd in a place
where lemon sorbet is on the menu.
Hang on, Daisy, we'll be there later.
First, we gotta dress up for the occasion.
Rosco.
You still stink.
You stink so bad,
your kids' kids are gonna stink,
if anyone'll procreate with you,
which I doubt.
Now, come on, Boss,
I did my very, very best.
Rosco, if I want advice
on letting criminals escape,
I'll call you.
Calm down.
Them Dukes. They assaulted my boar,
they violated the sanctity of my home,
and they molested
my tender flower of a wife.
Oh, yeah, Boss, I can picture it now.
Their greasy little fingers
running all over her hot buttocks
like a chubby kid looking for chicken wings
in the bottom of a basket.
Rosco!
You dummy, I don't wanna
imagine the circumstance.
I want them in jail!
Can you do that? Can you just...
I got enough worries
with my ice cream parlor investors.
Just add more deputies.
Do whatever it takes. I can't rest
until their gonads are scattered
to the four corners of Hazzard.
Hazzard's a place
where dreams do come true.
Bo and Luke got famous.
Just the wrong way.
Enos finally got deputized.
A hall monitor with a gun. Lord save us.
With their faces plastered all over town,
the boys figured they needed a makeover.
Why the hell do I have to wear the skirt?
Because you have nicer legs.
Thank you.
No way to sugarcoat it,
they make damn fine-looking women.
Get over and talk to them right now,
you hear me, boy?
All right.
Excuse me.
You ladies don't look
like you're from around here.
- Can I help?
- Yes...
I'm Detective Amanda Smith
and this is my partner, Anita Davington.
We're with the Federal Bureau
of Frozen Delights,
and we are conducting an investigation.
Federal agents?
I'm Deputy Enos Strate.
You know, you ought to talk to Daisy.
She's real nice.
Here she comes now.
If you need any further assistance,
just give me a holler.
Here's the key to Boss Hogg's office.
Now, hold on there one minute, little lady.
Failure to dance with the sheriff
is a crime here in Hazzard County,
punishable by 10 years
in a maximum-security prison.
Now, my ex, she chucked
this old poon hound to the curb
like a perp charged on indecent exposure,
failure to communicate,
and wagon wheels on a wing nut.
She thinks upholding the law
is the only thing I care about.
But I do have my other passions.
Don't get fresh, Sheriff.
Oh, my.
You have a grip like an anaconda.
I bet you could swallow me whole, too.
Come on, let's go.
The boys' wigs got them in.
But it was time to leave
the distracting work to a professional.
You ain't never gonna look at a sundae
the same way again.
Oh, baby.
Oh, my.
Yeah, that's cold, all right.
Cool me down.
Sweet.
Rosco shouldn't treat a lady like that.
- Now you're a lady?
- No, but I should be treated like one.
Oh, man, these hose are killing me.
Man, that's hot.
Hey, look, look at that.
Well, how's it coming with the investors?
It's just a matter of time
before the other commissioners
turn the whole state dry.
No one resists the Hogg, John,
including Daisy Duke.
It was a lot more fun
finding out about their still
from that hot piece of tail
than those hillbillies, Bo and Luke.
In less than 24 hours,
we are foreclosing on that Duke farm
and take that still.
Then you'll add your premium shine.
You know, before you go
on your rounds in the morning,
stop by the Boar's Nest.
I got a present for my favorite nephew.
Hughie's a Hogg.
- Daisy.
- Oh, Daisy.
Daisy, wait!
- I can't believe what a jerk he is!
- Daisy, wait!
I know you wanna wrap your thighs
around his chest
and squeeze the air out of him,
so do I.
But we cannot let him know
we're on to him.
We gotta follow Hughie
and see where he takes us, okay?
- I'll kill him with my bare hands!
- No, Daisy!
You'll get your chance with Hughie.
Right now,
we gotta think about Uncle Jesse.
Sorry, Daisy.
They have messed with me
at the wrong time of the month.
Here's what we know so far.
Hughie's a no-good, two-faced Hogg
and Boss is still in the shine business.
With everybody locked up
and the state going dry,
there'll be one place in town
to get good and hammered,
the Boar's Nest ice cream parlor.
Hogg will make a killing, but Bo and Luke
are hoping handsome Hughie
will lead them right to Boss's shine stash
so they can stop him.
Do you follow?
I never said this was going to be easy.
We'll lose him if he gets too far ahead!
I can't get too close.
Driving's second nature to me, Luke.
Orange car. Smart pick, boys, smart pick.
- What the hell?
- I can't see anything.
Hughie is burning some dust.
I can feel the road. Snake coming.
You can feel the road?
Oh! Damn it, Bo, be careful!
I got it! I got it!
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
Oh, man!
Beautiful driving.
You know, you come a long way.
Your instincts are worthless.
- I thought I had him.
- Oh, you lost him.
You lost our best chance of nailing Boss
and getting Uncle Jesse out.
Plan all you want, but somebody's gotta
actually drive and do something.
So you're the smart one, congrats.
What'd that get us, huh?
You know I should have left you
at the farm that first night.
Now I'm stuck here with an idiot.
I'm gone.
That's what you're good at.
Leaving people behind.
Go! No one's gonna miss you.
Now maybe I can finally get laid.
You know something ain't right
when Bo kicks
the thing he loves most in the world.
In fact, I'd say there ain't a whole lot
that is right in Hazzard at the moment.
Poor Uncle Jesse,
just sitting in the clink
wishing he was on the farm he loves.
Poor hot, juicy Daisy.
First, Hughie foreclosed on her heart,
then Rosco foreclosed on the farm.
And so, things didn't turn out
exactly like we hoped for the Dukes.
Ain't that the way life is sometimes?
Thanks! Thanks a lot!
Oh, I got it. I got it, Bo!
I can't follow you, Luke.
I can't cross that line.
I love Hazzard.
I love my hair in the Hazzard sun.
I love Daisy and Uncle Jesse.
I love the smell of pig shit in the morning.
I love the feel of the General Lee's hood
on my tight, toned butt.
Let's forget that all happened, all right?
Heat of the moment.
It'll never happen again.
- That truck wasn't cold.
- What truck?
A Hogg ice cream truck just drove by.
I hit it with my hand and it was warm.
It's kind of hard to keep ice cream cold
with a truck with no freezer.
Okay, I really am the good-looking one.
Explain.
Hogg's using the truck to transport shine.
It's a cover.
And I bet I know
where he's keeping that shine.
Hogg's Ravine, the ice cream factory!
Come on. Let's go find Daisy and Cooter.
The farm belongs to Boss at noon.
That doesn't give us much time.
- I'm so stupid for falling for Hughie.
- You're not stupid, Daisy.
You're the smartest person I know.
He made me feel pretty.
You don't need some big city jackass
to tell you you're pretty.
Yeah.
Hell, Luke and I wanted
to get nasty with you several times
till we realized you were our cousin.
Actually, that didn't even matter to Luke.
It's true.
Thanks, boys.
So what are we gonna do?
We are gonna get Boss to pay for the farm
out of his own pocket.
And why would he do that?
Nothing prettier than a good plan
coming together amongst friends.
I know y'all are anxious to hear about it,
but that'd ruin the surprise.
Well, it ain't perfect.
The General's hurt.
I can't believe I'm gonna let you leave
with the seats all torn.
It breaks my damn heart.
And hopefully, she'll last long enough
for us to do what we gotta do.
Hope's all we got.
Hope and a prayer.
And a dream.
- Hope and a prayer and a dream.
- Okay, we got it, Cooter.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Okay.
Be careful.
Election day in Hazzard,
where folks are expected to vote early
and vote often for Jefferson Davis Hogg.
What a beautiful day for democracy
here in Hazzard.
Here's part one of the plan.
Y'all are gonna see what they mean
by beauty and brains.
Hi, Deputy.
Anything exciting happening?
I don't really get to leave the station,
so this is...
Well, I bet there's a lot
of important police business here.
- Wanna show me around?
- Oh, yes, please.
Every voter is going to get a coupon
good for $1 .00 off
at Hogg's Car Wash and Delicatessen.
Let's get high on the Hogg!
Part two, Cooter's no philosopher,
but he can handle a tow truck
with the grace of a figure skater.
Now all the commissioners here,
we've gotten together and they've seen
how we're living in Hazzard.
It's pure, simple, it's good.
One hand on the Bible,
the other hand on the plow.
That's why we've all banded together
to turn our glorious state dry.
Now, this is just the beginning
of a program that I...
Part three, Bo, Luke and the General Lee.
The perfect marriage of men and machine.
Well, if it ain't the Duke boys
come to turn themself in!
Rosco...
Now, Cooter.
What the...
Oh, boy, are you all right?
Howdy, Boss.
Oh, you Dukes are gonna
face the firing squad for this.
Get in.
Go, Bo.
Attention all units.
Two male suspects driving
a kick-ass orange '69 Charger
are believed to have kidnapped
Commissioner Hogg.
All units respond.
Enjoy the sunny day.
This here
is the emergency broadcast system.
In case of emergency, I get on the horn,
they send me in there,
or I make the call, I mean...
I ain't never seen one of these before.
I don't think you should be playing
with that, Daisy.
- Enos, hand me that screwdriver.
- Yes, ma'am.
You can slow down any time you want!
We got no reason to live!
You've taken the farm from us,
locked up my Uncle Jesse,
now you got us on the run.
You plowed my wife's field
you sexual miscreant.
You should burn at the stake!
We'd rather be the famous outlaws
that died in a police chase.
Unless you tell us
about your shine business!
That's a good one!
I ain't telling you Dukes a thing!
It's either jail or the cemetery
for two no-good bums like you.
Guess we'll take the cemetery, then!
Yeah!
Those darn Duke boys.
It don't get any better than this!
We got them now!
This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
and I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys.
He shot us!
"Protect and serve," my ass!
Hot damn!
Get their tires!
Don't shoot me, you stupid...
Hot damn! I'm alive!
What are you doing?
Wait! You ain't gonna do it!
Boss, you got anything you'd like to say
to your maker, now's a good time.
You ready, Daisy?
You're bluffing!
Don't do it! No!
What...
Getting close, Boss.
Okay! Okay, I...
I locked up your uncle so I could...
So I could run a monopoly, shine
monopoly out of the Boar's Nest, see?
- Then I'd watch these normal people...
- He's a pig!
...spending their hard-earned dollars!
Decent people
spending their money there!
Are you happy?
Are you happy? Is that a crime?
You boys did it!
Everyone in town heard Boss.
Why, you dirty, filthy, conniving Dukes!
Well, it don't matter, though.
You need a little thing called evidence.
Then we got one more thing to do!
No you don't! No you don't!
No!
They're heading back for the ravine!
They're gonna die!
Jump that already! Jump it!
Damn!
Kind of a nifty plan, huh?
See, the boys just found
Boss Hogg's shine operation.
You know what that means.
Excuse me.
I hope Boss brought his checkbook.
Oh, boy.
Folks were mighty tired
of all the shenanigans.
So, Boss was forced to let the shiners go.
Whoa! Hey.
Well, well, well.
Looks like little bluebird is ready to fly.
- Hey.
- Hey!
It's the boys and the girl. How are you?
You know, your folks sent y'all down here
to learn to be gentlemen,
you wind up breaking the law,
running shine
and doing a damn good job of it, too,
I might add.
Let's blow this pop stand, come on.
You good-for-nothing.
Take it all in, Hughie
'cause they don't serve anything this fine
in here.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no.
Daisy, I'm available for conjugal visits.
Daisy!
And since someone
needed to take the fall,
Boss set up Hughie
as his personal Humpty Dumpty.
On one...
The voters weren't too happy
when they learned what Hogg was up to.
So they saw fit to elect a better man.
An honest man.
A dead man.
Turned out the shock of winning
was too much for old man Abernathy.
May he rest in peace.
So the voters, in their infinite wisdom,
put Boss back in office,
figuring the devil you know
is better than the devil you don't.
Get your hand off of there now.
His first official act was to pardon himself
of all wrongdoing.
Boss regretted offering that reward
for uncovering shine.
He figured nobody'd ever catch on to him.
Then, again, he never figured
on Bo and Luke.
They used the reward
to buy back the farm.
Bo finally found someone who appreciated
his particular driving skills.
Wait! Did I pass?
- Yes!
- Yeah!
While Luke found the one gal impressed
by a fella who can blow shit up.
Looks like he'll finally lose his virginity,
and to someone
who doesn't sexually abuse poultry.
Uncle Jesse told the kids
he was quitting the shine business
to spend the rest of his days
as a simple farmer.
They should have known
that didn't smell right.
Once a shiner, always a shiner.
Race you to the General!
Hey, where y'all going?
- We'll be back!
- Don't wait up!
You know the moment in your life
when you realize you're exactly
where you're meant to be?
Hazzard's a place
where two good old boys with a fast car
can really make a name for themselves.
- Floor it, Bo. Floor it!
- Damn!
All right!
I don't understand what's going on.
Those Duke sons of bitches!
Oh, shit!
Well, you dirty son of a bitch...
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
You two sure are pretty.
Stop hanging around, you little monkey.
Fucking around is all I ever care about.
We didn't wanna hit your dog.
Was I talking to you there, circle of life,
golden hair, zebra-eating freak?
Rosco!
Flash had a little
chip wiggle, Boss.
Was I talking to you,
blueberry cobbler ass?
- Gonads scattered in a...
- Stop.
Stop it right there.
I love grease and scattered gonads, Boss.
Come on! Come here, come here.
You hide behind those pigtails
and those braces.
Come on, come on! I can take her!
You got two weeks,
then I'm sending Rosco out
to foreclose on the farm.
And you call yourself a Mason.
Yes, I do.
That's the sickest thing I've seen today.
Get this thing cleaned up!
We cleaning, Boss, we cleaning.
When you say shine, your eyes go
all buggy like a retarded dragonfly.
Hey, can I drive, Uncle Jesse?
I just got my learner's permit.
Looks like you got
a little more learning to do.
Besides that, that ain't my car.
God, you don't have to push me around
like a dirty, fat kid...
That's a scary-ass pig.
It's really funny
until you have your hand chewed off.
All right, this is just for the outtakes.
The cemetery.
You might wanna try some of that mouth
to snout while you're down here.
Come on, Flash, honey.
Let's go get some little greeny-weenies,
some Chinese schoolboys.
Oh, no, call me "Boss."
I got you, Boss, right here in my britches.
This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
production fuck-stick.
Marker.
- You got all tongue-tied, Boss?
- I sure did, yeah.
Did you step in something, son,
because there's some kind of...
Help.
Oh, shit.
There goes my career!
It's suicide. It's suicide.
I gotta... I gotta get out!