Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (2006) Movie Script
Coming!
I'm coming as fast
as I can!
Hey, 'sup, man?
What's up, dude?
Sorry, I'm late.
No problem.
So, uh,
I'll go get my suit.
Did you bring
the spare board?
Oh, bro, no I didn't.
I forgot it,
but you know what -
I got something else
you can ride.
Oh, dude,
I got you all wet.
Maybe we should get you
out of those clothes, bro.
Dude...I got a girlfriend.
She know you mess
around with dudes?
Or are you just
some big closet case?
Or maybe you're confused.
Or maybe...
you like playing confused.
I, I don't know, I--
I, I don't know
what I am.
You're so sexy
when you stammer.
You're good.
Yeah, I play confused,
but don't get me wrong...
I'm straight...
Mostly.
Now, rip open my shirt.
Sir, yes sir.
Strip.
Amateur.
Less teeth, more tongue.
This is how you do it.
That feels so good.
God, I love your tits!
Stop calling them tits!
I could eat your tits all day.
Stop calling them tits.
I love your tits.
Stop calling them tits!
Sorry, I love your breasts!
I wanna fuck your breasts!
Shane...Sweetie.
Are you having that
gay fantasy again?
Honey...it's not you, it's...
Well, it's you.
What's wrong if I want
to see a little boy on boy
in the bedroom?
Nothing, I guess -
if you're a gay man.
I'm close enough.
But you can't expect me
to go gay every time
you wanna have sex.
I don't want you to be gay -
Just gay-er.
So you want me to get it on with
another guy in front of you?
Well, in front of,
on top of, yeah.
Gwen, I'm not gay.
I'm not bi.
I'm a heterosexual breeder.
And if you can't accept that,
then we probably
shouldn't be dating.
How can you be so homophobic?
You're ridiculous!
Don't even think
you're breaking up with me!
I'm breaking up with you.
Huh?
I've sat in millions of bedrooms
and listened to millions of boys
tell me they're leaving
me for the pole.
I'm not gonna sit here and have
one leave me for pussy.
What?
I'm leaving you, Shane!
Go not suck all
the dick you want!
Yeah?
And you keep letting that
pride parade march right on
through your crotch!
Gay basher!
Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!
Stop the spread of faggotry!
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Fag!
I wish!
I told you this was
gonna happen!
I know, Kyle!
That's all you said
from day two!
"You're too hot, Marc!
You're gonna leave me."
And look how right I was.
You weren't right, Kyle.
Your puppy dog eyes and goofy
charm turned me on.
But you wouldn't believe it.
How could I believe it when
you flirt with everyone?
I don't flirt with everyone;
I just like making friends.
Did you have to
befriend every member
of the gymnastics team
and Alpha Gamma Testes?
God, it's like you're
only happy when you think
you can't have me.
I wouldn't be jealous if you
went out and made
some hot friends.
See!
I'm too boring for you!
You want a boyfriend
who's all social and hangs out
with confident, sophisticated
gods like...him.
Hey, Sebastian.
Who's this?
Who are you?
He's here
for emotional support.
I'm supposed to be
your emotional support!
You're too emotional.
Fags.
So what, it's been about...
five days since you
last jerked off?
Wow! You're good.
Thanks, Eric.
That was fun.
Thank you, Teri.
It's Tiffani.
And I think this is yours!
Have fun fucking his puppy
dog eyes and goofy charm.
I hope someday you can
see past everything you don't
like about yourself and realize
we had something special.
Wow, that was HallMarky, Marc -
even for you.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Okay, just because we used
to date the same loser
doesn't mean we have to be
all cunty to each other.
You're right. Truce?
I'm s--
What's wrong?
I don't wanna
be a slut anymore.
I want a boyfriend!
I just really wish
Caleb was still here.
Is that the heterosexual you
were trying to sleep with?
No-- Well, yes, he was my
roommate who I used to want.
Your roommate dumped you?
No, my boyfriend dumped me.
My roommate isn't here
to help me through this.
So is your roommate the gay
one or the straight one?
You're not listening to me.
My boyfriend's gay!
And not just that -
he's the hottest gay
I will ever make it with!
Honey, you're gonna make it
with plenty of hotties.
It's not even that.
He's gonna find a new
boyfriend first
and I'm gonna be alone.
You won't be alone.
There are plenty
of rainbow fish in the sea.
Ha, ha.
Plenty of cocks
in the henhouse.
Mom!
Plenty of freshmen ass
in the locker room.
Eww! Mom!!
Kyle, I am really trying here.
I know, Mom.
Thanks.
Do you know what it's
like to be a gay man
trapped in a woman's body?
My God, you have no idea.
Well, there's like five
gay men trapped inside of me.
And they're all greasy and
having sex with each other,
just trying to...
fuck their way out.
Send me an X-ray.
Why are you being
all Fiona Apple?
I broke up with Shane.
He's single?
Hands off, cockmonger.
I'm kidding.
What is with straight guys and
their aversion to sucking dick?
I just got dumped.
What is with gay guys wanting
to suck everyone's dick?
Yeah, I heard.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
Sorry you're a psychopath.
I say this with my trademark
sweetness, but you do know that
Marc was the best thing
that will ever
happen to you?
Hey, I'm a catch!
Says who? Your mom?
Other people do, too!
I just...I want to hear,
"I love you,"
instead of "Take it,
you tight little snatch."
Hi, Mr. Thompson.
Tiffani - oh, I love your
pastel paisley halter
with the chiffon
inlet overlay.
My wife has one
just like it.
Okay, class - fingertips!
I don't know how many of you are
sick to death of still life,
but if I see another fruit,
I'm gonna have a hissy!
I think it's time
we try something
a little more...dangerous.
Class, meet Troy.
Ta da!
Troy's gonna model
for us today...nude.
Troy is a veterinary major
who has just moved here, fresh,
from a little town
in Illinois known as...
oh, Troy. Troy, from Troy.
My parents didn't want me
to forget where I was from.
How rustic!
He's got an accent.
He looks like he's spent
his life bailing hay
and...milking things.
He looks like sex.
Well, um, Troy...
from Illinois -
whenever you feel inspired.
I uh--
So, where do you want me?
On my face.
Right here on my desk
and we'll get you
in several different positions.
Missionary,
Reverse Cowgirl, 69...
Chalks to paper!
Oops!
Dropped it!
Guess I'll have to--
No, let me!
I don't want you to...
ruin anybody's art by moving.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Same here.
I'm just gonna...
I wanna hit that harder
than Ike hit Tina.
I wanna be wrapped in
his arms forever and ever.
I wanna see him get it on
with his boyfriend.
You think he's gay?
Does Whitney want crack?
Hey there!
I didn't recognize you
without your penis!
I had to leave it there -
school property and all.
I'm Gwen.
The girl with the big
boobs is Tiffani,
and the guy
with the small--
I'm Kyle.
Troy.
From Troy--
Illinois.
Ooh, are those your drawings?
Yeah.
This is mine.
That's Kyle's...
and...Tiffani's.
I've never drawn one before
so I figured I'd focus on it.
You're very generous.
I'm a giver.
This one's incredible.
Thanks.
You just...spoke to me.
Are you an art major?
No.
She's undeclared, which is
practically the same thing.
Well, you should be.
How'd you get into
nude modeling?
Well, I grew up
in the country.
No one's around so I'd
just go naked a lot.
Then I bought a webcam.
I'm so Googling you.
When I moved here and found
out I could get paid
to hang out naked,
I was like, sign me up!
Next stop: porn!
How much does that
ass of yours bring in?
Fifty bucks a class.
Porn pays way better.
Well, I'd be just as
likely to do it
for a case of beer, or weed.
Noted.
When did you move here?
A couple weeks ago.
All by your lonesome?
Yeah.
I'll bet it was great
to start all over -
where no one knows your
name and you can do
anything you want
with whomever you want.
Yeah, I guess.
Kinda miss my mom.
So, you're close to your mom?
I miss both my parents,
but there's something
about a mom, you know?
A boy needs none other
than the love of his mother.
Uh, yeah.
We were gonna grab some coffee.
Wanna come?
I gotta get home.
But thanks for the offer.
Maybe some other time?
Someone waiting
for you at home?
My roommate.
He's secretly in love with me.
See you in class.
Keep up the good work.
Keep up the good...penis!
I totally thought he was a
'mo until he made that lame,
straight guy joke.
He's an enigma fucking a riddle
fucking a mystery.
I love being single.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
But spreading
is my favorite thing.
I'll be praying for you.
Hold that pose!
Would you boys
do me a favor?
Sit there
for a minute...or 20
But I want him
out of here in five.
What's her story?
I used to flirt with this one,
but we never did anything
because I wasn't available.
So we're gonna
make up for lost time.
Man whore!
Lucky bastard.
See that guy over there?
The studly rack of meat
or your loser ex-boyfriend?
The meat rack.
Marc pre-cheated with him -
and with a couple of
other guys, too.
Pre-cheated?
It's this thing
that gays do.
The moment the relationship
starts getting a little rocky,
they start lining up
replacement sex partners.
The second they're
single it's,
"Hey remember me?
You want some head?"
Your boyfriend's far
too creampuff to cheat.
I didn't say he cheated.
He pre-cheated.
God, you're paranoid.
I know how his mind works.
If I were hot enough
I'd do the same thing.
I guess it's over.
Look what I found!
Hey!
- Troy!
- Nude guy!
So, Troy, the three of us
are falling behind
in art class
and we were wondering...
Do you have a preference?
See, it works.
Now take off
your clothes, damn it!
This is kinda weird.
No, we're just gonna draw.
Really.
So, did you leave someone
special back home?
Nope.
That's probably good.
Yep.
I've always wondered
what it would be like
to live on a farm.
I mean,
what did you do for fun?
Mostly we'd drive
around the strip on weekends,
or throw parties
in some field.
I always liked the idea of being
out among all the nature.
Getting fucked in a rainstorm,
or getting fucked on a tractor,
or getting--
Well, I can't say
I did all that.
Well, where did
you get fucked?
I dunno.
In the regular places -
a bed, in my car.
In the ass?
Excuse me?
Oops!
I mean, boys or girls?
I'm sorry - if you don't
wanna talk about this--
No, it's okay, I guess.
Girls...mostly.
What?
Does that freak you out?
No, honey.
I'm what they call a "fag hag."
So you are gay then!
I am--
I'm not gay.
It's just--
Well, all kinds of people
hit on me and I just kinda
go along with it.
What the hell
does that mean?
I like it.
I mean, we're just people -
just bodies
with organic needs--
So, did you ever
have a girlfriend?
Sort of.
What about boyfriends?
I had this really close
friend in high school.
But I never done much with a
guy because I wanna get married
and have kids.
Not that gay guys can't,
'cause they can, it's just...
I dunno.
Being gay, it seems
like so much work.
Amen, sister.
I mean, first you have
to tell everyone.
That's no fun.
- And then there's rejection.
- You're never hot enough.
- STDs.
- If you're lucky.
There's this group, Coming In.
I kinda wanna go check 'em out,
'cause I think
they might fix me.
The anti-gays?
Ex-gays.
Just like you, Kyle.
Right?
- What?
- What?
Kyle used to be gay.
You two should hang out,
get to know each other,
swap...stories.
You're an ex-gay?
Well...
You're like my idol!
I totally just want to get
inside you
and learn everything.
Uhh...
Oh my God...
You two are together, right?
Yes!
We're boyfriend and girlfriend!
I knew it!
You're always together,
but I wasn't sure.
It must've been the fact
that I act so faggy?
And you're really
straight now?
As a cucumber.
God, no wonder I felt so
comfortable with you two!
How long have you been together?
A few months.
And it's true love, isn't it,
my little sex monkey?
Ahh!
And you're comfortable
that he used to...
Smoke sausage?
We've all got
skeletons in our closets.
His are just more well hung.
And how's that going for you?
How do you think
it's going for him?
Look at me, I'm perfect!
Yeah. She's awesome.
He especially loves my titties.
Breasts.
So what are the
meetings like?
Well, uh, I've never been
to this chapter.
Oh, my God, would you do me
the biggest favor?
Of course I'd do you--
You have to take me
to one of these meetings.
There's one tomorrow.
You could be my sponsor,
or whatever.
Do it, honey.
It might do you some good
to renew your vows
to heterosexuality.
Not that he doesn't
ride me every night.
Okay.
It's a date!
I'll be right back.
I have to go use the head.
What the hell just happened?
We just got you laid
by Troy from Illinois!
You made me an ex-gay!
Those are my least
favorite kind of gays!
Grow some nuts.
Do you think he would have been
remotely interested if you were
just another gay guy?
Listen to me.
I don't have a chance
in this godforsaken world
of ever wrapping my lips
around his forty acres
and a mule -
But you do.
So, you're saying he'll
let me have sex with him
because I'm not gay?
You heard him.
You'll be his new
"close friend."
Since you're straight,
you'll get to
hang out with him.
You'll support him in those
straight emo bonding ways
until eventually all his
repressed passion explodes.
Right down your throat.
This is sick!
You're both sick!
You think it could work?
Damn!
Hey!
No way.
I'm so nervous.
It's okay.
You'll be fine.
What are you doing?
Straight male bonding,
step one.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Octavio--
Octavio!
Introductions lead
to conversations
lead to invitations
of intercourse
with the wrong persuasion.
I'll do the introducing.
What the hell
do you want?
We want to join.
I find that hard to believe.
Maybe we shouldn't--
God believes me.
Well, I did pray for you.
I know.
Spooky.
I'm Jacob Buchanan,
Coming In president.
This is Derek,
Allan, Roy, and...
Violet.
Violet.
I'm Kyle.
- And--
- Troy.
Hi, Troy.
Hello, Kyle.
You do know what we're
all about here, right?
At Coming In?
Well, yeah, but he doesn't
need to be here.
He's a success story.
Kyle's renouncing his sexuality?
What's going on?
Are you sitting down?
Now, who'd like to speak first?
Okay, I will.
I have great news that will
change all of our lives.
I've been asked to present
the new ad campaign
for Coming In National.
The board of directors,
including my mom,
is gonna be here next week, and
if they like my presentation,
which they will, you'll see my
posters in high schools
and college campuses
across the nation.
"Homo No More.
Stop the Spread of Faggotry!"
Now I need you
to repeat this slogan
to every student across campus.
"Homo No More" is gonna become
a national catch phrase.
Like "Can you hear me now?"
Yes, only more clever.
So let's have a testimonial.
Who wants to start?
I sucked a dick.
Shut up, are you serious?
Like a fox.
That's fabulous.
What was it like?
Details.
Tell us how it made
you feel, Violet.
Well, I got really trashed
at the Up With Jesus kegger,
and this skinny guy with dyed-
black hair and lipstick
asked if I wanted to do one of
those upside down keg shooters.
They started playing
"My Chemical Romance,"
so I took that as
a sign, downed half the keg,
and before I knew it, we're in
the back of his mom's Saab,
I'm choking on his dick,
my makeup's smearing
and I'm about to puke.
It was great.
I watched porn...
straight porn.
And I made sure it was Ron
Jeremy so I wouldn't focus on...
Yeah.
And it was hot.
Good, good.
Allan?
How are things going with...
was her name Leslie?
I think so, yeah.
We went on a date.
And what happened
on this date?
We went to this cute
little Italian restaurant,
service was great--
No, I meant physically.
Well...after dinner
we went back to her dorm.
Were you nervous?
Oh, yeah.
Turned on?
I'm trusting at some point
you got turned on, right?
Oh, yeah...yeah.
Totally...turned on.
Rock hard.
Tell me about that.
Let's see.
We sat on her bed
and she showed me this photo
album of this Japanese
internment camp she'd visited,
and we were balancing
the book on our legs.
And her knee grazed my knee,
and that kind of got me going.
And then?
Then?
She jumped on top of me.
Really!
And I let her
kiss me and stuff.
Good, good!
Did she go for second base?
Run her hands up
and down your smooth chest
underneath your shirt?
A little.
That might not count.
Why don't you show me?
Like this, I guess.
But never the nipples?
No.
On this "date,"
did you think about men?
No.
Never?
What about your
locker room fantasy?
Thrusting jock straps?
Towels snapping
at your ass?
I never said
anything about towels.
Well, next week's assignment -
and I'm holding you to this -
is third base.
But what about the girl?
Leslie?
Yeah, Leslie.
Shouldn't I respect her
and stuff?
Don't worry.
She's not gonna get pregnant.
All I'm asking for is
one finger in her bush.
So, I'm fascinated to hear
your guys' stories.
I'm not ready to talk yet...
but Kyle here's
got a hot girlfriend.
They can't keep their
hands off each other.
You have a girlfriend?
Mm-hm.
And you used to be gay?
Yeah.
Well, why don't you
tell us, Kyle?
What brought about
this amazing change?
Ummm...my story...
Just speak from the heart -
like Jesus would.
Well...I was
pretty much born gay.
Mom said my first
sentence was,
"Get those boobs
out of my face."
So...anyway, I lived the gay
lifestyle for a while.
And I dated a lot of guys...
A lot of guys.
Just...mens and mens
and mens.
I mean, they were
calling me all the time!
"Kyle, please have sex with me.
Please!"
I was so popular--
But then it began
to take its toll.
See, you realized the gays,
they're not interested
in getting to know you.
No, as soon as you
put out, they vanish.
And then they never call
you back when they say
they're gonna call you back
because they're out
with some stud when they say
they should be in class!
I wouldn't say that.
Well then what exactly
would you say, Kyle?
What brought about
this amazing transformation?
Well, I got fed up...
with the men and the sex
and the fun and music
and the apple martinis -
and just when I didn't know
what else to do
an angel from heaven above
flew into my life.
A sexy, 52-24-48
angel named Tiffani.
Is Tiffani a rhinoceros?
Size doesn't matter.
What matters is that
I fell in love
and I never looked back.
But what about the sex?
Piece of cake. I just say,
"Kyle, take everything you love
about Reese Witherspoon
and project it onto this girl
who wants to be with you."
And now they can't get enough.
That's incredible.
Yeah, 'cause you seem
really gay.
Not anymore. I'm telling you,
there's nothing like
the smooth, wet porcelain lips
of the vagina spreading
and enveloping me,
squeezing against the head
of my dick ever so firmly.
And that's nothing compared
to what it feels like
to eat her out and lap up
all those fresh juices.
We look forward to
seeing you both again.
Well, we both look forward
to coming...with girls.
Little Ex-gay joke.
Jesus and I will be
keeping an eye on you.
Hey...
Stop the spread of faggotry!
That was fun!
That was nerve-racking.
Yeah, you were sweating
like a suicide bomber
on a summer jihad.
I love your...sense of humor.
Man, you really
dig your pussy.
Yeah.
So what're you up to now?
I gotta go model for
Mr. Thompson's art class.
Hey, are we still on
for tomorrow's game?
Goooo...local sports team!
This must be the right place.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I'm Marc -
Professor Thompson's
next top model.
But I use the word
top loosely.
Wow, great body.
Yeah, I know.
I meant you.
Oh, thanks.
You're supposed to wear
it over your shoulders.
What?
The robe.
Oh...yeah.
Did you want some privacy?
'Cause I could come back.
Ah, no.
I'm gonna be naked
in front of like 15 people.
You're easy.
How would you know?
No, I--
Anyway, we're gonna be
naked in front of 15 people.
- Huh?
- We're posing together.
- Seriously?
- You got a problem with that?
No. Of course not.
Are you gay?
Well, yeah.
You got a problem
with that?
No. I don't have a--
I mean, you're not straight,
are you?
Well--
Oh my heck, who are you?
Uh...I'm Marc, your model.
You are?
What about him?
You didn't request
two models for today?
I have the student services
req in here.
Nice.
- What?
- What?
I can't find it.
I mean, I guess if you don't
need two nudes today,
I can leave.
Oh, no! Yeah, yeah--
I do need both models...
nude...in five minutes.
I'd forget head if
it wasn't on top of me.
What?
Uh-- I'd forget my head
if it wasn't on top of me.
My wife is always
correcting my grammar.
You know, I'm---
Uh...I'm married.
OK. You guys carry on.
I'll, uh...get to class.
So what's your name again?
Troy. And you're Marc.
With a c.
Pretty gay, huh?
Look dude, if you're worried
about me looking at your dick,
I can turn around.
But don't sweat it.
You're not my type.
I'm not?
No.
Should you be?
No, I guess not.
I mean, you're hot and all,
but I like guys
who can take charge.
Plus your hair's too dark.
And you're too tall.
Gee, thanks.
Just being honest with you.
I think it's great - types.
I mean, if we all
wanted the same thing...
might as well be straight.
Maybe not everyone knows
what their type is.
True enough.
There was this one guy.
This sounds stupid,
but when I met him,
I sort of saw something
in his soul -
like a light.
Physically he was nothing
like any of the guys
I'd dated before,
but when I saw that light,
I realized...
this is my type, too.
So I asked him out, eventually.
That's deep.
Fuck you.
No, I'm serious.
So whatever happened
to your soul man?
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, that's...
ancient history.
Hey, you need a
workout buddy?
Yeah.
This feels horrible.
Stop shaking your
ass so much.
No, I mean lying to Troy.
Honey, men lie.
And you're a man, technically.
Well, tonight you
better not forget to--
Fuck!
Honey, I never forget to fuck.
No, fuck!
As in--
Kyle!
Hey, boys. What's up?
Oh, you two know Marc?
I used to have
a big crush on Kyle.
Didn't I?
But he's not
your type at all.
So, how do you two
know each other?
Oh, we got naked
together last night.
What?!
We both model
for Mr. Thompson.
Wow, he's a regular
Gus Van Sant.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
You haven't fucked him yet.
Hey, I don't treat people
like pieces of meat.
You should. It's fun.
You do know he's gay, right?
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Is that against the rules?
That's the only fucking rule!
Keep away from hot
gay guys -
unless they have
girlfriends, like me.
Okay, well, don't...
queen out about it.
Besides, he told me -
I'm not his type.
And you believed him?
I bet he told you
he saw a light
in your soul, too.
Kyle, I think your
girlfriend's getting jealous.
Please.
She trusts me completely.
We're stronger than ever.
In fact, we were
just about to...fuck.
- Whoa!
- Really?
Yeah, I can hardly
keep my fingers off
of his big hard stick.
Especially when he's
all sweaty
from power-walking.
I'll bet.
Go for it.
What?
Stick your hand
in his shorts.
- Get him hard.
- Yeah!
No way!
What?
Aren't you straight anymore?
Of course I'm straight.
But I don't think parading
my heterosexuality around
in public is very polite.
Well, how about you
two just kiss?
Yeah, that'd be hot.
A kiss?
And use some tongue...
unless you don't like
kissing your girlfriend.
I love kissing
my girlfriend.
Prove it.
Why should--
Wow.
You two get a room.
Invite me over!
Kyle?!
Mom?
Kyle?!
What are you doing here?!
I was just running errands.
Oh, baby, this is more
than I could ever
have hoped for!
This is wonderful!
You are a girl, right?
Mom, of course she's a girl!
Would you stop
hugging me?
We hadn't told her yet.
You don't understand!
I used to catch this boy
masturbating with every
vegetable in the fridge -
and now this!
Have you told that awful
ex-boyfriend of yours?
I have a feeling he knows.
I have a feeling
this is the funniest thing
he's ever seen.
I have a feeling that the
childish things he's doing
are acts of jealousy,
and in some small way,
it's kind of nice to know
he cares for a change.
Who gives a shit about him?
I'm gonna be a grandma!
This is war!
Marc's gonna rue the day
he messed with me!
Wow, you almost
seem like a top.
Marc thinks he can get
whatever he wants just
by taking his shirt off.
Maybe some guys don't
want a hot, muscular stud who's
confident with his sexuality.
Maybe some people think
it's charming enough
to pretend that
you're sexually conflicted -
Some people like...
Octavio.
Octo-what?
Oh, hi, Yummy. I'm Tiffani.
The rhinoceros?
Excuse me?
Tiffani, this is Octavio,
from that group
I was telling you about.
Rhinoceros?
I'll call you tonight.
Good luck not
fucking each other.
So, Octavio.
Octavio.
Octavio.
It's like you're saying
a 'V' and 'B'
at the same time -
"Octavio."
B and B?
V and B.
So, what are you doing here?
Your girlfriend's sexy.
Thanks.
Nothing like I expected.
What are you saying, I'm not
good enough for her?
No, I just...
didn't believe you.
Something about you screamed
single...and lonely.
As you can see,
I'm clearly not--
And horny.
Horny?
- You're hitting on me.
- Yes, I am.
What about Homo No More?
I thought they
straightened you out.
When I saw you at the meeting,
I sort of fell off my wagon.
You didn't have
that far to fall--
Shut up. I must have you.
I have a feeling this
is against the rules.
It's okay.
The bossy guy - Jacob -
he breaks the rules
all the time.
Wait!
Jacob's gay?
Of course.
One time he followed me
into the bathroom at school
and started tapping his toe
underneath the stall--
Enough about him.
Your lips taste
like cherry.
It's my girlfriend's
lip gloss.
Oh, Octavio.
Octavio.
Well, I'm this way.
Thanks for the jog.
Hey, you wanna
come over tonight?
No, I can't.
I'm gonna watch the game
with Kyle and Tiffani.
Oh.
Well, you guys have fun.
Hey, you wanna jog
again tomorrow?
Maybe late afternoon?
We could hang out afterwards.
That'd be great.
Cool.
That's how we gays do it.
Wasn't that awesome?
Yeah.
Kyle made his mom so happy.
What could they possibly
have in common?
Besides wanting to be straight?
Well, they both have dicks
that haven't been sucked today.
Thanks, Gwen.
You have nothing
to worry about.
Kyle's non-threatening.
He's like...soy milk.
Or something you use when
you run out of normal milk.
And you're cream.
Gay cream.
Ew.
Hold still.
What's up with
all the drawing?
I don't know.
I like it.
I'm kinda good at it.
Since when?
Since now.
I think I found my calling.
I barely think
about sex anymore.
I just wanna...draw it.
That's so not like you.
Well, you being all jealous
isn't like you, either.
Look, it's simple.
Troy is a blank canvas.
No, he's a sketch.
He's got all these
lame ideas about what
being gay is like,
but he needs you to come in
and provide the horny details.
Ha, ha.
And before you know it...
fine art.
Fuckin' shit!
Fuckin' shit!
Come on, muthafuckas,
we can win this!
Kyle, we're 48 points behind
with less than a minute to go.
Oh.
That was actually
fun though.
I mean, it sucks
that we lost.
Aw, you'll get over it.
So, uh, how was your day?
Strange.
But you know there's
something I wanted to
talk to you about -
something I didn't share
with the group yesterday.
I didn't exactly go cold salami
when I decided to turn straight.
There were a few slip-ups.
While you were with Tiffani?
Yeah, and she's great
because she understands
how pent-up feelings
can just explode
if you don't do
anything about 'em.
So, it's okay if one
of us makes a mistake
every once in a while.
We've even talked
about the possibly of...
playing...together.
What, like a three-way?
Yeah.
I had a three-way once.
What?
Yeah, with two girls.
Oh, I guess that counts.
Barely.
We were in this empty
farm house outside of town.
It was going great.
They had me in the middle
and we were kissing.
And then they pulled
their panties down
and pushed me downtown.
And that's when things
started to fall apart.
So, you didn't like it?
Well, it wasn't doing
that much for me.
Does that make me gay?
Lots of straight guys
don't like eating pussy.
They complain about
it all the time.
What happened next?
Well, the situation
got worse.
I couldn't...
find their clits.
You couldn't?
Or G-spots or whatever.
I was down there forever.
It was embarrassing.
They laughed at me.
One of them even
called me the Susan Lucci
of tongue fucking -
seventeen attempts
and no clit.
I know where it's at.
You do?
Yeah.
Could you show me?
Show you?
How do you find it
on Tiffani?
How am I supposed
to show you that?
I dunno. Use your fingers.
How 'bout I use yours?
You know, so you can
feel what I'm doing.
This is stupid.
Nah, come on.
It'll be fun.
I'll show you
my whole routine.
First, you gotta start
with just some little teases.
Breathe on it.
Make her squirm.
And then you just...
Which is usually not
the reaction that I get.
No, it's good. It's good.
In the middle of all
of this, of course,
is the love button.
But most girls go nuts
if you just...dive on in.
That's good.
That's really good.
Sorry I missed
the game, guys--
What the hell?
I was just showing Troy
some tips on the art
of cunnilingus.
Not that I need them.
Well, even Melissa Etheridge
could learn a thing
or two from Kyle.
I gotta get going.
Stay.
There's plenty to eat.
Yeah, you don't have to go.
I gotta call it a night.
Thanks for the...
time, Kyle.
Did you see that?
One more session like that
and he's gonna explode.
As long as he doesn't
explode with Marc first.
I win!
Whoa!
What?
So when did you first know
for sure you were gay?
Just now.
No.
I had my suspicions
when I was, like, 12 or 13,
but I didn't know for sure
until a couple years later -
when I went down
on my first guy.
And it's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
What?
Being gay?
Yeah.
Imagine that you think
you're gonna live
your life one way -
get a job, get married,
get a 3-bedroom house.
And then you discover
this...thing about yourself
that opens up a million
new options as to how you
can live your life.
Suddenly you don't have
those milestones that straight
people have to compare
each other against.
You can choose
your own adventure.
I loved those books.
Me, too.
But aren't you worried
you'll end up all alone
and not have any
of those things?
Doesn't everyone?
Gay or straight?
Sprint you home!
And just so you know,
Kyle's mom's reaction
to him being straight
wasn't awesome.
Huh?
Well, you said it like
you were happy for them,
like that's the way
it should be.
My parents are totally cool
with me being gay.
Yeah, but are your parents
really okay with it?
I'll bet Kyle's mom grew
to be okay with it,
but you saw how
happy she was.
That's what parents
really want for their kids.
If you ask, most parents
will say they just want
their kids to be happy.
Maybe my mom would
be happier if I put my dick
somewhere else, but you've
seen those ex-gays.
Is that happy?
If your parents love you
and they think you're happy,
they'll adjust.
I don't think my parents
would adjust to me being gay.
They shouldn't have
anything to do with it.
You have to be who you are.
It's the only way you can
live with yourself.
And It's the only way
I can live at all.
Did you wanna take a shower?
Talk about getting my
creative juices flowing.
I didn't know you were here.
Wait. Keep 'em down.
Would you boys
let me draw you?
What? Together?
No, right where you are,
right now.
I'll call it..."Proposition."
What do you think?
I don't know--
It's this or renting a movie.
Choose your own adventure.
When I walked in on the two
of you, I was like,
"Fuck this drawing one
person at a time shit!
If I can capture the tension
between these two--
There was tension?
Honey, it was more tense than
Star Jones in a training bra.
Now make that look you had:
surprised, a little turned on,
kinda scared.
No...I dunno,
stare at Marc's crotch
and imagine what he could
do to you with that.
Trust me,
he can do a lot.
Perfect.
So...you two dated?
Gwen was my last girlfriend.
And Marc was my first.
After him, all I ever
wanted to date were fags.
I've got an idea.
This could take forever,
and I see the potential
for something...
more interesting.
Could I do a series
with you guys?
Almost like a story that
starts with this scene
and goes from there?
What do you think?
I don't know--
If I said pose with a woman,
you'd totally do it.
It's not like we'd even have
time to pose for a series--
I'll take photos
and use them to draw from.
C'mon, we can be done
in minutes depending
how well you two...connect.
Yeah, but if Troy
feels uncomfortable--
No.
I'll do it.
Perfect.
I'll get my camera.
You sure?
Yeah.
Choose your own adventure.
Okay, Troy,
sit back down.
Marc,
off with the pants.
Perfect. Okay, Troy,
stand back up with Marc.
I want you to do that same
character you were doing,
like, he's a virgin and
he wants it but he's confused.
Can you do that?
Yeah.
So Marc, honey, why don't
you get down on one knee,
and put your hands underneath--
yeah, like that.
Actually, raise the shirt
a little.
And lift your head so you're
looking into his eyes.
Look like you're
in the moment
and you want it.
Marc, I want you
to stand and take Troy's--
yeah, that.
Now, Troy, the removal
of the shirt is one of
the hottest moments -
when you know soon you'll
be skin on skin,
chest on chest,
lips on lips.
Marc, toss the shirt aside.
Marc, lick one
of Troy's nipples.
Don't worry.
It'll feel good.
Yeah...I know.
Troy, run your left hand
through Marc's hair.
Marc, hold it right there.
Troy, pull Marc in.
Yeah.
Marc, lick his chest
up to his neck.
How you feeling, Troy?
Really...really good.
Then throw your head back--
Sorry!
It's perfect.
Stay right there!
Marc, make like you're
kissing your way down.
How 'bout I do this?
This is hot, right?
God, yeah.
You're a natural, Troy.
Close your eyes.
Marc, move down
between his legs
and kiss his stomach.
Marc, get up so you're
on top of him,
face to face.
You can open your eyes
if you want.
Hold that pose -
like you're about to kiss.
One of those first kisses,
where it takes forever
before you meet.
Moving closer...and closer.
Shit!
What?
My card's full.
Hey look, I wanna
keep this going.
You're fine
with that, right?
Uh-huh.
I'll just go
upload 'em in my room.
It'll take 15 minutes.
Hold that pose.
I'll be in my room -
with the door closed.
I don't think I can stay
like this for 15 minutes.
Me neither.
I know I'm not your type--
And I'm not a girl,
but we'll improvise.
Oh, that feels so good.
Oh, man, oh, man.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
Wow, that was...fast.
I'm sorry.
It's been awhile.
Plus, I haven't gotten
it like that before.
Like that,
meaning with a guy
or meaning it was
that good?
Here, let me
get you a towel--
No, wait. My turn.
Ohhh....Mmm....
Troy...teeth! Teeth!
Sorry!
It's okay...
Ohh...yeah.
Ahh...
Am I not doing it right?
No, you were fine.
I just...
I just can't--
Fuck!
Why am I so bad
at giving oral sex?
You were doing great!
I just...I'm sorry.
Is it because I'm not your type?
Troy...you're hot.
Trust me.
Or, no...don't trust me.
Can you wait one minute?
These are hot!
I can't do it.
But it's going
exactly how you wanted.
I just can't do it.
If Kyle wants to pretend
to be straight just to have
sex with Troy,
that's his prerogative.
But I just can't
do this anymore.
Well, can we at least
finish the photo shoot?
Oh, great.
He's probably freaking out
about making it with a guy.
He's probably looking
for someone who won't
cock-tease him.
I know where he's going.
I fucked up.
What is it?
I had sex with a guy.
Was it Marc?
Oh, my God,
that's horrible!
I know. It was.
- It was?
- It was?
I felt so guilty, because...
all I could do was
think about you, Kyle.
Really?
Yeah.
How I let you down.
And how I let
the group down.
And how more than anything
I wanted to be with a woman.
Or with a man and a woman.
I don't know...
it's all so confusing.
And then I thought
of you two.
And what good friends
you've been to me.
And how honest
and open you've been
about your struggles, Kyle.
And about how you two
have an arrangement.
Wait, wait
Is this too weird?
It's not too weird.
Show me.
- Huh?
- Show me your routine.
Oh, it's--
gonna go that far?
Three-ways usually do.
I want you...
to teach me...please?
Why don't I do a little
mouth magic on you first?
That'll get me all nice
and rolling out
the welcome mat
down there.
No. You two first.
That'll get me ready for
what you're gonna do to me.
But you don't
want sloppy seconds.
Company should go first.
Blah!
Blah!
That is so hot.
Kyle, eat me out already!
The boy wants to
see how it's done!
Please don't make me!
Oh, yes...oh, yes.
That's it...
You can do it.
Make mama proud.
Oh my God.
It's like the little
homo that could.
You wanna try now?
Please?
Troy?
Where are you going?
Well, that certainly didn't
taste like sugar and spice.
Troy!
What's going on?
It's my pussy.
My pussy scared him away!
You little ex-gay sluts!
Oh...my...God.
Can we come in, or were you
in the middle of dinner?
What are you doing here?
We're not eating pussy.
What are the three
of you doing?
Well, Kyle was showing Troy
the art of cunnilingus.
And he was doing
an admirable job.
Yeah, for a gay guy.
Yeah, I know -
everything.
You guys will do
anything to get laid.
I ate pussy for nothing?
You deserved it!
Hey! It wasn't that bad!
I'm sorry. I'm horrible.
We're all horrible.
If it's any consolation,
it wasn't just about the sex.
We really liked you.
Working out with you.
Watching the game.
Drawing you.
It doesn't matter now.
Like he's gonna want to have
anything to do with us.
The fucked up thing is,
even though you lied to me,
and to each other,
and to people you don't
even know...
I like you...liars.
We like you, too.
Yeah, you're so cool.
And I'm sorry.
I know I kind of led you all
on with my whole
confused thing.
Yeah, so c'mon.
You've sucked dick
and eaten pussy.
Which is it?
That's what's been tripping
me up all these years.
I thought it had
to be one or the other.
But after sampling both,
I've come to a conclusion.
I'm...bisexual.
There's no such thing!
Says who?
The laws of nature!
It's like horses
fucking gerbils!
Well, then I'm a
freak of nature.
And I'm proud of it.
Good!
Be proud, bi-boy!
I wish you'd been proud
when we met.
But I guess that's hard
when people like you
and Jacob Buchanan tell him
how bad it is to be gay.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I should've helped you instead
of trying to take advantage
of you not
knowing what you were.
So...what do we do now?
We're gonna stop
people like me.
No one should take advantage
of confused queer kids.
And the sooner we help them
see past what they don't like
in themselves so they can
see the great things
right in front of them...
the better.
He's a homo who fucks
things up for other homos.
I don't know if--
Octavio, if people like
him weren't around,
everyone would come out!
You would get laid like that!
I take your point.
I'll do it.
And then we make love.
Stop the spread of faggotry!
Wake up and smell
the patchouli!
You're a dyke!
Help!
I'm being recruited!
Convince me you
didn't like that.
Do your best.
Look...I'm not gonna embrace
who I am just because
it's obvious, okay?
What?
Everyone's so cool
with being gay.
Will and Grace this,
Clay Aiken that.
Well, I'm not gonna
be labelled.
You're not convincing me.
Okay, I'm gay.
Now shut up and kiss me!
I'm not gay.
Then what do you want?
I want us to make art.
That is so...hot.
God, you are a lesbian.
Mom?
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
It's nothing.
No, what?
I've never seen you
this upset.
I was at the beauty shop,
and I was looking
through a magazine,
and I saw that the Oscars
are coming up.
Well, I thought,
who am I gonna watch
the Oscars with?
And then that Britney Aguilera
song came on - the one about
you're beautiful even if
you're ugly and gay -
and I thought,
who's gonna play me this
shitty music
or take me out dancing
when I've had a bad day?
Mom, come on--
No, you stop.
You're gonna get married and
have kids, for Christ's sake.
And I'm gonna visit with
my girlfriends and all we're
gonna talk about
are grandchildren -
and that is so boring!
And Kyle, you've never
been boring,
and that is
because you're gay.
You're a fag, and I want
my little faggot back.
Mom...
He is back.
Did my vagina scare you away?
What?
The other night, you ran away
the second you saw my vagina.
Don't be crazy.
I think you have
a very sexy vagina.
Well, you sure know how
to charm a girl.
There - this port-a-potty's
ready to roll.
I got his precious Blackberry.
We have five minutes.
Okay, now do what you gotta do
but be quick about it.
It shouldn't take more
than a couple minutes.
Got it.
Perfect!
Now get your ass to the
parking lot, pronto.
This is turning me on!
Octavio, aren't you going
to the big presentation?
Yeah, but it's not
till one o'clock.
It's in five minutes.
It's at one o'clock.
Check your schedule.
Oh.
I could've sworn it was--
So it looks like you have
some time to kill, huh?
Well, there's plenty of
work to be done--
Oh...
Too bad.
Hi. Are you here
for Coming In?
Yes, we are.
Where's Jacob?
I'm Linda, his mother.
Mrs. Buchanan.
So nice to meet you.
I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's
right-hand men.
He's running a little late,
but he did say to go ahead
and start without him.
Hmm.
Jacob's never mentioned you.
Probably because he's so
busy talking about all
the girls he's dating, huh!
No!
No kissing.
Mmm, you like it nasty.
Today, I am proud to present
the fruits of my son's labor.
But more than that,
I'm excited to see
the swelling of Coming In
as the homosexual threat
seems to be swelling
exponentially.
It is people
like my son Jacob,
who continue to thrust
our crusade into the spotlight.
Oh, yes, I've wanted this
for so--
Shh.
No, I wanna be loud.
It's dangerous! It's hot--
Open this and shut up.
Jacob has always been
a beacon of light.
When he came to me as a teenager
and told me of his inner demons,
I knew we could destroy
them with loving support
and a strong fist.
You're gonna split me
in two, aren't you?
And we have!
Today, Jacob dates girls -
and he likes dating girls!
Jacob proves that if you can
fight it, you can hide it!
And if you can hide it,
you can bury it!
Ah! What was that?
That was me.
Oh God, it was you.
Oh God, it is you!
In keeping with the themes
you've mentioned, Linda,
we've commissioned local artist
Gwen Anderson and Coming In
member Violet Mufdaver
to portray the revolting
and immoral acts
of homosexuality in a new
and compelling campaign,
which we'd like to
present to you now.
Gwen?
Members of the student press,
heterosexuals,
and those who want to be,
we present Coming In's
newest ad campaign...
"Gay Sex Sucks."
Oh, baby!
This...is absolutely revolting!
Where is Jacob?
Oh, I'm so close!
Where is my son?
I'm going to find Jacob,
and when he's through with you--
Oh, baby!
I'm so close!
So close!
Jacob?
I'm coming!!!
Mommy?
Ugh!!
Get this off of me!
Yep. He's gay.
Gwen...
I was wondering if I could
maybe model for you sometime.
Me, too.
I didn't know outing someone
could be so much fun.
Listen, Tiffani...
I don't know how you feel
about the whole
bisexual thing.
I let my ex-boyfriend's
gay roommate go down on me.
I'm a pretty open person.
Yeah, well, you know how
you and Kyle were pretending
to have an arrangement?
You mean the three-ways?
Yeah.
How would you feel if you
really had that...with me?
Because I'd be honored
to be your boyfriend.
No one's ever said
that to me before.
You went above and beyond
the call of duty.
No...that was hot.
And now I think it's time
for you to repay me
for my services.
Octav--
I won't take no
for an answer.
No.
Well, that was easy!
You know what, Mom?
I'm glad you caught me!
I'm gay!
And Octavio--
Octavio
He's my lover!
Well, we're off for a fuck!
Seems like everybody is.
Do me one favor.
- Yeah?
- Lead him to the clit.
Honey, from the waist down
it's all clit.
That's how I do it.
You know, these lies
I get us into really have
a way of working out.
Perfect.
Remember how, when you and Marc
were fighting over Troy,
you tapped into some
unknown confidence
none of us knew you had?
Yeah?
Use it.
So...plan worked...
Everyone seems to be happy.
So, Octavio, huh?
Please.
There's nothing there.
He's just a friend
I had sex with once.
Looks like you went out
and made some hot friends.
Yeah.
I got more social.
It does make you jealous.
What?
When Troy left last night,
I knew where he was going -
the same place
I used to go when I had
a problem I
needed to talk about.
I got jealous.
So...
Do you think you can find
it in your heart to love
somebody who pretended
to be straight
just to get laid?
I don't know.
Can you love someone
who flirted with way too many
guys while he was
your boyfriend?
Can you love someone whose
last sexual act
involved eating pussy?
Can you love someone who--
Wait, being a flirt
was my only flaw, right?
I don't know.
I lost count.
You've brushed
your teeth, right?
Does that turn you on
as much as I think it does?
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean I'm
not open to new experiences.
Come here.
Better than boys?
Different.
Different rocks.
Oh! Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Did I do good?
Yes, baby.
You did good.
All right, time for thirds!
God!
Oh, God!
I am gay.
I'm coming as fast
as I can!
Hey, 'sup, man?
What's up, dude?
Sorry, I'm late.
No problem.
So, uh,
I'll go get my suit.
Did you bring
the spare board?
Oh, bro, no I didn't.
I forgot it,
but you know what -
I got something else
you can ride.
Oh, dude,
I got you all wet.
Maybe we should get you
out of those clothes, bro.
Dude...I got a girlfriend.
She know you mess
around with dudes?
Or are you just
some big closet case?
Or maybe you're confused.
Or maybe...
you like playing confused.
I, I don't know, I--
I, I don't know
what I am.
You're so sexy
when you stammer.
You're good.
Yeah, I play confused,
but don't get me wrong...
I'm straight...
Mostly.
Now, rip open my shirt.
Sir, yes sir.
Strip.
Amateur.
Less teeth, more tongue.
This is how you do it.
That feels so good.
God, I love your tits!
Stop calling them tits!
I could eat your tits all day.
Stop calling them tits.
I love your tits.
Stop calling them tits!
Sorry, I love your breasts!
I wanna fuck your breasts!
Shane...Sweetie.
Are you having that
gay fantasy again?
Honey...it's not you, it's...
Well, it's you.
What's wrong if I want
to see a little boy on boy
in the bedroom?
Nothing, I guess -
if you're a gay man.
I'm close enough.
But you can't expect me
to go gay every time
you wanna have sex.
I don't want you to be gay -
Just gay-er.
So you want me to get it on with
another guy in front of you?
Well, in front of,
on top of, yeah.
Gwen, I'm not gay.
I'm not bi.
I'm a heterosexual breeder.
And if you can't accept that,
then we probably
shouldn't be dating.
How can you be so homophobic?
You're ridiculous!
Don't even think
you're breaking up with me!
I'm breaking up with you.
Huh?
I've sat in millions of bedrooms
and listened to millions of boys
tell me they're leaving
me for the pole.
I'm not gonna sit here and have
one leave me for pussy.
What?
I'm leaving you, Shane!
Go not suck all
the dick you want!
Yeah?
And you keep letting that
pride parade march right on
through your crotch!
Gay basher!
Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!
Stop the spread of faggotry!
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Fag!
I wish!
I told you this was
gonna happen!
I know, Kyle!
That's all you said
from day two!
"You're too hot, Marc!
You're gonna leave me."
And look how right I was.
You weren't right, Kyle.
Your puppy dog eyes and goofy
charm turned me on.
But you wouldn't believe it.
How could I believe it when
you flirt with everyone?
I don't flirt with everyone;
I just like making friends.
Did you have to
befriend every member
of the gymnastics team
and Alpha Gamma Testes?
God, it's like you're
only happy when you think
you can't have me.
I wouldn't be jealous if you
went out and made
some hot friends.
See!
I'm too boring for you!
You want a boyfriend
who's all social and hangs out
with confident, sophisticated
gods like...him.
Hey, Sebastian.
Who's this?
Who are you?
He's here
for emotional support.
I'm supposed to be
your emotional support!
You're too emotional.
Fags.
So what, it's been about...
five days since you
last jerked off?
Wow! You're good.
Thanks, Eric.
That was fun.
Thank you, Teri.
It's Tiffani.
And I think this is yours!
Have fun fucking his puppy
dog eyes and goofy charm.
I hope someday you can
see past everything you don't
like about yourself and realize
we had something special.
Wow, that was HallMarky, Marc -
even for you.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Okay, just because we used
to date the same loser
doesn't mean we have to be
all cunty to each other.
You're right. Truce?
I'm s--
What's wrong?
I don't wanna
be a slut anymore.
I want a boyfriend!
I just really wish
Caleb was still here.
Is that the heterosexual you
were trying to sleep with?
No-- Well, yes, he was my
roommate who I used to want.
Your roommate dumped you?
No, my boyfriend dumped me.
My roommate isn't here
to help me through this.
So is your roommate the gay
one or the straight one?
You're not listening to me.
My boyfriend's gay!
And not just that -
he's the hottest gay
I will ever make it with!
Honey, you're gonna make it
with plenty of hotties.
It's not even that.
He's gonna find a new
boyfriend first
and I'm gonna be alone.
You won't be alone.
There are plenty
of rainbow fish in the sea.
Ha, ha.
Plenty of cocks
in the henhouse.
Mom!
Plenty of freshmen ass
in the locker room.
Eww! Mom!!
Kyle, I am really trying here.
I know, Mom.
Thanks.
Do you know what it's
like to be a gay man
trapped in a woman's body?
My God, you have no idea.
Well, there's like five
gay men trapped inside of me.
And they're all greasy and
having sex with each other,
just trying to...
fuck their way out.
Send me an X-ray.
Why are you being
all Fiona Apple?
I broke up with Shane.
He's single?
Hands off, cockmonger.
I'm kidding.
What is with straight guys and
their aversion to sucking dick?
I just got dumped.
What is with gay guys wanting
to suck everyone's dick?
Yeah, I heard.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
Sorry you're a psychopath.
I say this with my trademark
sweetness, but you do know that
Marc was the best thing
that will ever
happen to you?
Hey, I'm a catch!
Says who? Your mom?
Other people do, too!
I just...I want to hear,
"I love you,"
instead of "Take it,
you tight little snatch."
Hi, Mr. Thompson.
Tiffani - oh, I love your
pastel paisley halter
with the chiffon
inlet overlay.
My wife has one
just like it.
Okay, class - fingertips!
I don't know how many of you are
sick to death of still life,
but if I see another fruit,
I'm gonna have a hissy!
I think it's time
we try something
a little more...dangerous.
Class, meet Troy.
Ta da!
Troy's gonna model
for us today...nude.
Troy is a veterinary major
who has just moved here, fresh,
from a little town
in Illinois known as...
oh, Troy. Troy, from Troy.
My parents didn't want me
to forget where I was from.
How rustic!
He's got an accent.
He looks like he's spent
his life bailing hay
and...milking things.
He looks like sex.
Well, um, Troy...
from Illinois -
whenever you feel inspired.
I uh--
So, where do you want me?
On my face.
Right here on my desk
and we'll get you
in several different positions.
Missionary,
Reverse Cowgirl, 69...
Chalks to paper!
Oops!
Dropped it!
Guess I'll have to--
No, let me!
I don't want you to...
ruin anybody's art by moving.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Same here.
I'm just gonna...
I wanna hit that harder
than Ike hit Tina.
I wanna be wrapped in
his arms forever and ever.
I wanna see him get it on
with his boyfriend.
You think he's gay?
Does Whitney want crack?
Hey there!
I didn't recognize you
without your penis!
I had to leave it there -
school property and all.
I'm Gwen.
The girl with the big
boobs is Tiffani,
and the guy
with the small--
I'm Kyle.
Troy.
From Troy--
Illinois.
Ooh, are those your drawings?
Yeah.
This is mine.
That's Kyle's...
and...Tiffani's.
I've never drawn one before
so I figured I'd focus on it.
You're very generous.
I'm a giver.
This one's incredible.
Thanks.
You just...spoke to me.
Are you an art major?
No.
She's undeclared, which is
practically the same thing.
Well, you should be.
How'd you get into
nude modeling?
Well, I grew up
in the country.
No one's around so I'd
just go naked a lot.
Then I bought a webcam.
I'm so Googling you.
When I moved here and found
out I could get paid
to hang out naked,
I was like, sign me up!
Next stop: porn!
How much does that
ass of yours bring in?
Fifty bucks a class.
Porn pays way better.
Well, I'd be just as
likely to do it
for a case of beer, or weed.
Noted.
When did you move here?
A couple weeks ago.
All by your lonesome?
Yeah.
I'll bet it was great
to start all over -
where no one knows your
name and you can do
anything you want
with whomever you want.
Yeah, I guess.
Kinda miss my mom.
So, you're close to your mom?
I miss both my parents,
but there's something
about a mom, you know?
A boy needs none other
than the love of his mother.
Uh, yeah.
We were gonna grab some coffee.
Wanna come?
I gotta get home.
But thanks for the offer.
Maybe some other time?
Someone waiting
for you at home?
My roommate.
He's secretly in love with me.
See you in class.
Keep up the good work.
Keep up the good...penis!
I totally thought he was a
'mo until he made that lame,
straight guy joke.
He's an enigma fucking a riddle
fucking a mystery.
I love being single.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
But spreading
is my favorite thing.
I'll be praying for you.
Hold that pose!
Would you boys
do me a favor?
Sit there
for a minute...or 20
But I want him
out of here in five.
What's her story?
I used to flirt with this one,
but we never did anything
because I wasn't available.
So we're gonna
make up for lost time.
Man whore!
Lucky bastard.
See that guy over there?
The studly rack of meat
or your loser ex-boyfriend?
The meat rack.
Marc pre-cheated with him -
and with a couple of
other guys, too.
Pre-cheated?
It's this thing
that gays do.
The moment the relationship
starts getting a little rocky,
they start lining up
replacement sex partners.
The second they're
single it's,
"Hey remember me?
You want some head?"
Your boyfriend's far
too creampuff to cheat.
I didn't say he cheated.
He pre-cheated.
God, you're paranoid.
I know how his mind works.
If I were hot enough
I'd do the same thing.
I guess it's over.
Look what I found!
Hey!
- Troy!
- Nude guy!
So, Troy, the three of us
are falling behind
in art class
and we were wondering...
Do you have a preference?
See, it works.
Now take off
your clothes, damn it!
This is kinda weird.
No, we're just gonna draw.
Really.
So, did you leave someone
special back home?
Nope.
That's probably good.
Yep.
I've always wondered
what it would be like
to live on a farm.
I mean,
what did you do for fun?
Mostly we'd drive
around the strip on weekends,
or throw parties
in some field.
I always liked the idea of being
out among all the nature.
Getting fucked in a rainstorm,
or getting fucked on a tractor,
or getting--
Well, I can't say
I did all that.
Well, where did
you get fucked?
I dunno.
In the regular places -
a bed, in my car.
In the ass?
Excuse me?
Oops!
I mean, boys or girls?
I'm sorry - if you don't
wanna talk about this--
No, it's okay, I guess.
Girls...mostly.
What?
Does that freak you out?
No, honey.
I'm what they call a "fag hag."
So you are gay then!
I am--
I'm not gay.
It's just--
Well, all kinds of people
hit on me and I just kinda
go along with it.
What the hell
does that mean?
I like it.
I mean, we're just people -
just bodies
with organic needs--
So, did you ever
have a girlfriend?
Sort of.
What about boyfriends?
I had this really close
friend in high school.
But I never done much with a
guy because I wanna get married
and have kids.
Not that gay guys can't,
'cause they can, it's just...
I dunno.
Being gay, it seems
like so much work.
Amen, sister.
I mean, first you have
to tell everyone.
That's no fun.
- And then there's rejection.
- You're never hot enough.
- STDs.
- If you're lucky.
There's this group, Coming In.
I kinda wanna go check 'em out,
'cause I think
they might fix me.
The anti-gays?
Ex-gays.
Just like you, Kyle.
Right?
- What?
- What?
Kyle used to be gay.
You two should hang out,
get to know each other,
swap...stories.
You're an ex-gay?
Well...
You're like my idol!
I totally just want to get
inside you
and learn everything.
Uhh...
Oh my God...
You two are together, right?
Yes!
We're boyfriend and girlfriend!
I knew it!
You're always together,
but I wasn't sure.
It must've been the fact
that I act so faggy?
And you're really
straight now?
As a cucumber.
God, no wonder I felt so
comfortable with you two!
How long have you been together?
A few months.
And it's true love, isn't it,
my little sex monkey?
Ahh!
And you're comfortable
that he used to...
Smoke sausage?
We've all got
skeletons in our closets.
His are just more well hung.
And how's that going for you?
How do you think
it's going for him?
Look at me, I'm perfect!
Yeah. She's awesome.
He especially loves my titties.
Breasts.
So what are the
meetings like?
Well, uh, I've never been
to this chapter.
Oh, my God, would you do me
the biggest favor?
Of course I'd do you--
You have to take me
to one of these meetings.
There's one tomorrow.
You could be my sponsor,
or whatever.
Do it, honey.
It might do you some good
to renew your vows
to heterosexuality.
Not that he doesn't
ride me every night.
Okay.
It's a date!
I'll be right back.
I have to go use the head.
What the hell just happened?
We just got you laid
by Troy from Illinois!
You made me an ex-gay!
Those are my least
favorite kind of gays!
Grow some nuts.
Do you think he would have been
remotely interested if you were
just another gay guy?
Listen to me.
I don't have a chance
in this godforsaken world
of ever wrapping my lips
around his forty acres
and a mule -
But you do.
So, you're saying he'll
let me have sex with him
because I'm not gay?
You heard him.
You'll be his new
"close friend."
Since you're straight,
you'll get to
hang out with him.
You'll support him in those
straight emo bonding ways
until eventually all his
repressed passion explodes.
Right down your throat.
This is sick!
You're both sick!
You think it could work?
Damn!
Hey!
No way.
I'm so nervous.
It's okay.
You'll be fine.
What are you doing?
Straight male bonding,
step one.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Octavio--
Octavio!
Introductions lead
to conversations
lead to invitations
of intercourse
with the wrong persuasion.
I'll do the introducing.
What the hell
do you want?
We want to join.
I find that hard to believe.
Maybe we shouldn't--
God believes me.
Well, I did pray for you.
I know.
Spooky.
I'm Jacob Buchanan,
Coming In president.
This is Derek,
Allan, Roy, and...
Violet.
Violet.
I'm Kyle.
- And--
- Troy.
Hi, Troy.
Hello, Kyle.
You do know what we're
all about here, right?
At Coming In?
Well, yeah, but he doesn't
need to be here.
He's a success story.
Kyle's renouncing his sexuality?
What's going on?
Are you sitting down?
Now, who'd like to speak first?
Okay, I will.
I have great news that will
change all of our lives.
I've been asked to present
the new ad campaign
for Coming In National.
The board of directors,
including my mom,
is gonna be here next week, and
if they like my presentation,
which they will, you'll see my
posters in high schools
and college campuses
across the nation.
"Homo No More.
Stop the Spread of Faggotry!"
Now I need you
to repeat this slogan
to every student across campus.
"Homo No More" is gonna become
a national catch phrase.
Like "Can you hear me now?"
Yes, only more clever.
So let's have a testimonial.
Who wants to start?
I sucked a dick.
Shut up, are you serious?
Like a fox.
That's fabulous.
What was it like?
Details.
Tell us how it made
you feel, Violet.
Well, I got really trashed
at the Up With Jesus kegger,
and this skinny guy with dyed-
black hair and lipstick
asked if I wanted to do one of
those upside down keg shooters.
They started playing
"My Chemical Romance,"
so I took that as
a sign, downed half the keg,
and before I knew it, we're in
the back of his mom's Saab,
I'm choking on his dick,
my makeup's smearing
and I'm about to puke.
It was great.
I watched porn...
straight porn.
And I made sure it was Ron
Jeremy so I wouldn't focus on...
Yeah.
And it was hot.
Good, good.
Allan?
How are things going with...
was her name Leslie?
I think so, yeah.
We went on a date.
And what happened
on this date?
We went to this cute
little Italian restaurant,
service was great--
No, I meant physically.
Well...after dinner
we went back to her dorm.
Were you nervous?
Oh, yeah.
Turned on?
I'm trusting at some point
you got turned on, right?
Oh, yeah...yeah.
Totally...turned on.
Rock hard.
Tell me about that.
Let's see.
We sat on her bed
and she showed me this photo
album of this Japanese
internment camp she'd visited,
and we were balancing
the book on our legs.
And her knee grazed my knee,
and that kind of got me going.
And then?
Then?
She jumped on top of me.
Really!
And I let her
kiss me and stuff.
Good, good!
Did she go for second base?
Run her hands up
and down your smooth chest
underneath your shirt?
A little.
That might not count.
Why don't you show me?
Like this, I guess.
But never the nipples?
No.
On this "date,"
did you think about men?
No.
Never?
What about your
locker room fantasy?
Thrusting jock straps?
Towels snapping
at your ass?
I never said
anything about towels.
Well, next week's assignment -
and I'm holding you to this -
is third base.
But what about the girl?
Leslie?
Yeah, Leslie.
Shouldn't I respect her
and stuff?
Don't worry.
She's not gonna get pregnant.
All I'm asking for is
one finger in her bush.
So, I'm fascinated to hear
your guys' stories.
I'm not ready to talk yet...
but Kyle here's
got a hot girlfriend.
They can't keep their
hands off each other.
You have a girlfriend?
Mm-hm.
And you used to be gay?
Yeah.
Well, why don't you
tell us, Kyle?
What brought about
this amazing change?
Ummm...my story...
Just speak from the heart -
like Jesus would.
Well...I was
pretty much born gay.
Mom said my first
sentence was,
"Get those boobs
out of my face."
So...anyway, I lived the gay
lifestyle for a while.
And I dated a lot of guys...
A lot of guys.
Just...mens and mens
and mens.
I mean, they were
calling me all the time!
"Kyle, please have sex with me.
Please!"
I was so popular--
But then it began
to take its toll.
See, you realized the gays,
they're not interested
in getting to know you.
No, as soon as you
put out, they vanish.
And then they never call
you back when they say
they're gonna call you back
because they're out
with some stud when they say
they should be in class!
I wouldn't say that.
Well then what exactly
would you say, Kyle?
What brought about
this amazing transformation?
Well, I got fed up...
with the men and the sex
and the fun and music
and the apple martinis -
and just when I didn't know
what else to do
an angel from heaven above
flew into my life.
A sexy, 52-24-48
angel named Tiffani.
Is Tiffani a rhinoceros?
Size doesn't matter.
What matters is that
I fell in love
and I never looked back.
But what about the sex?
Piece of cake. I just say,
"Kyle, take everything you love
about Reese Witherspoon
and project it onto this girl
who wants to be with you."
And now they can't get enough.
That's incredible.
Yeah, 'cause you seem
really gay.
Not anymore. I'm telling you,
there's nothing like
the smooth, wet porcelain lips
of the vagina spreading
and enveloping me,
squeezing against the head
of my dick ever so firmly.
And that's nothing compared
to what it feels like
to eat her out and lap up
all those fresh juices.
We look forward to
seeing you both again.
Well, we both look forward
to coming...with girls.
Little Ex-gay joke.
Jesus and I will be
keeping an eye on you.
Hey...
Stop the spread of faggotry!
That was fun!
That was nerve-racking.
Yeah, you were sweating
like a suicide bomber
on a summer jihad.
I love your...sense of humor.
Man, you really
dig your pussy.
Yeah.
So what're you up to now?
I gotta go model for
Mr. Thompson's art class.
Hey, are we still on
for tomorrow's game?
Goooo...local sports team!
This must be the right place.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I'm Marc -
Professor Thompson's
next top model.
But I use the word
top loosely.
Wow, great body.
Yeah, I know.
I meant you.
Oh, thanks.
You're supposed to wear
it over your shoulders.
What?
The robe.
Oh...yeah.
Did you want some privacy?
'Cause I could come back.
Ah, no.
I'm gonna be naked
in front of like 15 people.
You're easy.
How would you know?
No, I--
Anyway, we're gonna be
naked in front of 15 people.
- Huh?
- We're posing together.
- Seriously?
- You got a problem with that?
No. Of course not.
Are you gay?
Well, yeah.
You got a problem
with that?
No. I don't have a--
I mean, you're not straight,
are you?
Well--
Oh my heck, who are you?
Uh...I'm Marc, your model.
You are?
What about him?
You didn't request
two models for today?
I have the student services
req in here.
Nice.
- What?
- What?
I can't find it.
I mean, I guess if you don't
need two nudes today,
I can leave.
Oh, no! Yeah, yeah--
I do need both models...
nude...in five minutes.
I'd forget head if
it wasn't on top of me.
What?
Uh-- I'd forget my head
if it wasn't on top of me.
My wife is always
correcting my grammar.
You know, I'm---
Uh...I'm married.
OK. You guys carry on.
I'll, uh...get to class.
So what's your name again?
Troy. And you're Marc.
With a c.
Pretty gay, huh?
Look dude, if you're worried
about me looking at your dick,
I can turn around.
But don't sweat it.
You're not my type.
I'm not?
No.
Should you be?
No, I guess not.
I mean, you're hot and all,
but I like guys
who can take charge.
Plus your hair's too dark.
And you're too tall.
Gee, thanks.
Just being honest with you.
I think it's great - types.
I mean, if we all
wanted the same thing...
might as well be straight.
Maybe not everyone knows
what their type is.
True enough.
There was this one guy.
This sounds stupid,
but when I met him,
I sort of saw something
in his soul -
like a light.
Physically he was nothing
like any of the guys
I'd dated before,
but when I saw that light,
I realized...
this is my type, too.
So I asked him out, eventually.
That's deep.
Fuck you.
No, I'm serious.
So whatever happened
to your soul man?
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, that's...
ancient history.
Hey, you need a
workout buddy?
Yeah.
This feels horrible.
Stop shaking your
ass so much.
No, I mean lying to Troy.
Honey, men lie.
And you're a man, technically.
Well, tonight you
better not forget to--
Fuck!
Honey, I never forget to fuck.
No, fuck!
As in--
Kyle!
Hey, boys. What's up?
Oh, you two know Marc?
I used to have
a big crush on Kyle.
Didn't I?
But he's not
your type at all.
So, how do you two
know each other?
Oh, we got naked
together last night.
What?!
We both model
for Mr. Thompson.
Wow, he's a regular
Gus Van Sant.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
You haven't fucked him yet.
Hey, I don't treat people
like pieces of meat.
You should. It's fun.
You do know he's gay, right?
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Is that against the rules?
That's the only fucking rule!
Keep away from hot
gay guys -
unless they have
girlfriends, like me.
Okay, well, don't...
queen out about it.
Besides, he told me -
I'm not his type.
And you believed him?
I bet he told you
he saw a light
in your soul, too.
Kyle, I think your
girlfriend's getting jealous.
Please.
She trusts me completely.
We're stronger than ever.
In fact, we were
just about to...fuck.
- Whoa!
- Really?
Yeah, I can hardly
keep my fingers off
of his big hard stick.
Especially when he's
all sweaty
from power-walking.
I'll bet.
Go for it.
What?
Stick your hand
in his shorts.
- Get him hard.
- Yeah!
No way!
What?
Aren't you straight anymore?
Of course I'm straight.
But I don't think parading
my heterosexuality around
in public is very polite.
Well, how about you
two just kiss?
Yeah, that'd be hot.
A kiss?
And use some tongue...
unless you don't like
kissing your girlfriend.
I love kissing
my girlfriend.
Prove it.
Why should--
Wow.
You two get a room.
Invite me over!
Kyle?!
Mom?
Kyle?!
What are you doing here?!
I was just running errands.
Oh, baby, this is more
than I could ever
have hoped for!
This is wonderful!
You are a girl, right?
Mom, of course she's a girl!
Would you stop
hugging me?
We hadn't told her yet.
You don't understand!
I used to catch this boy
masturbating with every
vegetable in the fridge -
and now this!
Have you told that awful
ex-boyfriend of yours?
I have a feeling he knows.
I have a feeling
this is the funniest thing
he's ever seen.
I have a feeling that the
childish things he's doing
are acts of jealousy,
and in some small way,
it's kind of nice to know
he cares for a change.
Who gives a shit about him?
I'm gonna be a grandma!
This is war!
Marc's gonna rue the day
he messed with me!
Wow, you almost
seem like a top.
Marc thinks he can get
whatever he wants just
by taking his shirt off.
Maybe some guys don't
want a hot, muscular stud who's
confident with his sexuality.
Maybe some people think
it's charming enough
to pretend that
you're sexually conflicted -
Some people like...
Octavio.
Octo-what?
Oh, hi, Yummy. I'm Tiffani.
The rhinoceros?
Excuse me?
Tiffani, this is Octavio,
from that group
I was telling you about.
Rhinoceros?
I'll call you tonight.
Good luck not
fucking each other.
So, Octavio.
Octavio.
Octavio.
It's like you're saying
a 'V' and 'B'
at the same time -
"Octavio."
B and B?
V and B.
So, what are you doing here?
Your girlfriend's sexy.
Thanks.
Nothing like I expected.
What are you saying, I'm not
good enough for her?
No, I just...
didn't believe you.
Something about you screamed
single...and lonely.
As you can see,
I'm clearly not--
And horny.
Horny?
- You're hitting on me.
- Yes, I am.
What about Homo No More?
I thought they
straightened you out.
When I saw you at the meeting,
I sort of fell off my wagon.
You didn't have
that far to fall--
Shut up. I must have you.
I have a feeling this
is against the rules.
It's okay.
The bossy guy - Jacob -
he breaks the rules
all the time.
Wait!
Jacob's gay?
Of course.
One time he followed me
into the bathroom at school
and started tapping his toe
underneath the stall--
Enough about him.
Your lips taste
like cherry.
It's my girlfriend's
lip gloss.
Oh, Octavio.
Octavio.
Well, I'm this way.
Thanks for the jog.
Hey, you wanna
come over tonight?
No, I can't.
I'm gonna watch the game
with Kyle and Tiffani.
Oh.
Well, you guys have fun.
Hey, you wanna jog
again tomorrow?
Maybe late afternoon?
We could hang out afterwards.
That'd be great.
Cool.
That's how we gays do it.
Wasn't that awesome?
Yeah.
Kyle made his mom so happy.
What could they possibly
have in common?
Besides wanting to be straight?
Well, they both have dicks
that haven't been sucked today.
Thanks, Gwen.
You have nothing
to worry about.
Kyle's non-threatening.
He's like...soy milk.
Or something you use when
you run out of normal milk.
And you're cream.
Gay cream.
Ew.
Hold still.
What's up with
all the drawing?
I don't know.
I like it.
I'm kinda good at it.
Since when?
Since now.
I think I found my calling.
I barely think
about sex anymore.
I just wanna...draw it.
That's so not like you.
Well, you being all jealous
isn't like you, either.
Look, it's simple.
Troy is a blank canvas.
No, he's a sketch.
He's got all these
lame ideas about what
being gay is like,
but he needs you to come in
and provide the horny details.
Ha, ha.
And before you know it...
fine art.
Fuckin' shit!
Fuckin' shit!
Come on, muthafuckas,
we can win this!
Kyle, we're 48 points behind
with less than a minute to go.
Oh.
That was actually
fun though.
I mean, it sucks
that we lost.
Aw, you'll get over it.
So, uh, how was your day?
Strange.
But you know there's
something I wanted to
talk to you about -
something I didn't share
with the group yesterday.
I didn't exactly go cold salami
when I decided to turn straight.
There were a few slip-ups.
While you were with Tiffani?
Yeah, and she's great
because she understands
how pent-up feelings
can just explode
if you don't do
anything about 'em.
So, it's okay if one
of us makes a mistake
every once in a while.
We've even talked
about the possibly of...
playing...together.
What, like a three-way?
Yeah.
I had a three-way once.
What?
Yeah, with two girls.
Oh, I guess that counts.
Barely.
We were in this empty
farm house outside of town.
It was going great.
They had me in the middle
and we were kissing.
And then they pulled
their panties down
and pushed me downtown.
And that's when things
started to fall apart.
So, you didn't like it?
Well, it wasn't doing
that much for me.
Does that make me gay?
Lots of straight guys
don't like eating pussy.
They complain about
it all the time.
What happened next?
Well, the situation
got worse.
I couldn't...
find their clits.
You couldn't?
Or G-spots or whatever.
I was down there forever.
It was embarrassing.
They laughed at me.
One of them even
called me the Susan Lucci
of tongue fucking -
seventeen attempts
and no clit.
I know where it's at.
You do?
Yeah.
Could you show me?
Show you?
How do you find it
on Tiffani?
How am I supposed
to show you that?
I dunno. Use your fingers.
How 'bout I use yours?
You know, so you can
feel what I'm doing.
This is stupid.
Nah, come on.
It'll be fun.
I'll show you
my whole routine.
First, you gotta start
with just some little teases.
Breathe on it.
Make her squirm.
And then you just...
Which is usually not
the reaction that I get.
No, it's good. It's good.
In the middle of all
of this, of course,
is the love button.
But most girls go nuts
if you just...dive on in.
That's good.
That's really good.
Sorry I missed
the game, guys--
What the hell?
I was just showing Troy
some tips on the art
of cunnilingus.
Not that I need them.
Well, even Melissa Etheridge
could learn a thing
or two from Kyle.
I gotta get going.
Stay.
There's plenty to eat.
Yeah, you don't have to go.
I gotta call it a night.
Thanks for the...
time, Kyle.
Did you see that?
One more session like that
and he's gonna explode.
As long as he doesn't
explode with Marc first.
I win!
Whoa!
What?
So when did you first know
for sure you were gay?
Just now.
No.
I had my suspicions
when I was, like, 12 or 13,
but I didn't know for sure
until a couple years later -
when I went down
on my first guy.
And it's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
What?
Being gay?
Yeah.
Imagine that you think
you're gonna live
your life one way -
get a job, get married,
get a 3-bedroom house.
And then you discover
this...thing about yourself
that opens up a million
new options as to how you
can live your life.
Suddenly you don't have
those milestones that straight
people have to compare
each other against.
You can choose
your own adventure.
I loved those books.
Me, too.
But aren't you worried
you'll end up all alone
and not have any
of those things?
Doesn't everyone?
Gay or straight?
Sprint you home!
And just so you know,
Kyle's mom's reaction
to him being straight
wasn't awesome.
Huh?
Well, you said it like
you were happy for them,
like that's the way
it should be.
My parents are totally cool
with me being gay.
Yeah, but are your parents
really okay with it?
I'll bet Kyle's mom grew
to be okay with it,
but you saw how
happy she was.
That's what parents
really want for their kids.
If you ask, most parents
will say they just want
their kids to be happy.
Maybe my mom would
be happier if I put my dick
somewhere else, but you've
seen those ex-gays.
Is that happy?
If your parents love you
and they think you're happy,
they'll adjust.
I don't think my parents
would adjust to me being gay.
They shouldn't have
anything to do with it.
You have to be who you are.
It's the only way you can
live with yourself.
And It's the only way
I can live at all.
Did you wanna take a shower?
Talk about getting my
creative juices flowing.
I didn't know you were here.
Wait. Keep 'em down.
Would you boys
let me draw you?
What? Together?
No, right where you are,
right now.
I'll call it..."Proposition."
What do you think?
I don't know--
It's this or renting a movie.
Choose your own adventure.
When I walked in on the two
of you, I was like,
"Fuck this drawing one
person at a time shit!
If I can capture the tension
between these two--
There was tension?
Honey, it was more tense than
Star Jones in a training bra.
Now make that look you had:
surprised, a little turned on,
kinda scared.
No...I dunno,
stare at Marc's crotch
and imagine what he could
do to you with that.
Trust me,
he can do a lot.
Perfect.
So...you two dated?
Gwen was my last girlfriend.
And Marc was my first.
After him, all I ever
wanted to date were fags.
I've got an idea.
This could take forever,
and I see the potential
for something...
more interesting.
Could I do a series
with you guys?
Almost like a story that
starts with this scene
and goes from there?
What do you think?
I don't know--
If I said pose with a woman,
you'd totally do it.
It's not like we'd even have
time to pose for a series--
I'll take photos
and use them to draw from.
C'mon, we can be done
in minutes depending
how well you two...connect.
Yeah, but if Troy
feels uncomfortable--
No.
I'll do it.
Perfect.
I'll get my camera.
You sure?
Yeah.
Choose your own adventure.
Okay, Troy,
sit back down.
Marc,
off with the pants.
Perfect. Okay, Troy,
stand back up with Marc.
I want you to do that same
character you were doing,
like, he's a virgin and
he wants it but he's confused.
Can you do that?
Yeah.
So Marc, honey, why don't
you get down on one knee,
and put your hands underneath--
yeah, like that.
Actually, raise the shirt
a little.
And lift your head so you're
looking into his eyes.
Look like you're
in the moment
and you want it.
Marc, I want you
to stand and take Troy's--
yeah, that.
Now, Troy, the removal
of the shirt is one of
the hottest moments -
when you know soon you'll
be skin on skin,
chest on chest,
lips on lips.
Marc, toss the shirt aside.
Marc, lick one
of Troy's nipples.
Don't worry.
It'll feel good.
Yeah...I know.
Troy, run your left hand
through Marc's hair.
Marc, hold it right there.
Troy, pull Marc in.
Yeah.
Marc, lick his chest
up to his neck.
How you feeling, Troy?
Really...really good.
Then throw your head back--
Sorry!
It's perfect.
Stay right there!
Marc, make like you're
kissing your way down.
How 'bout I do this?
This is hot, right?
God, yeah.
You're a natural, Troy.
Close your eyes.
Marc, move down
between his legs
and kiss his stomach.
Marc, get up so you're
on top of him,
face to face.
You can open your eyes
if you want.
Hold that pose -
like you're about to kiss.
One of those first kisses,
where it takes forever
before you meet.
Moving closer...and closer.
Shit!
What?
My card's full.
Hey look, I wanna
keep this going.
You're fine
with that, right?
Uh-huh.
I'll just go
upload 'em in my room.
It'll take 15 minutes.
Hold that pose.
I'll be in my room -
with the door closed.
I don't think I can stay
like this for 15 minutes.
Me neither.
I know I'm not your type--
And I'm not a girl,
but we'll improvise.
Oh, that feels so good.
Oh, man, oh, man.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
Wow, that was...fast.
I'm sorry.
It's been awhile.
Plus, I haven't gotten
it like that before.
Like that,
meaning with a guy
or meaning it was
that good?
Here, let me
get you a towel--
No, wait. My turn.
Ohhh....Mmm....
Troy...teeth! Teeth!
Sorry!
It's okay...
Ohh...yeah.
Ahh...
Am I not doing it right?
No, you were fine.
I just...
I just can't--
Fuck!
Why am I so bad
at giving oral sex?
You were doing great!
I just...I'm sorry.
Is it because I'm not your type?
Troy...you're hot.
Trust me.
Or, no...don't trust me.
Can you wait one minute?
These are hot!
I can't do it.
But it's going
exactly how you wanted.
I just can't do it.
If Kyle wants to pretend
to be straight just to have
sex with Troy,
that's his prerogative.
But I just can't
do this anymore.
Well, can we at least
finish the photo shoot?
Oh, great.
He's probably freaking out
about making it with a guy.
He's probably looking
for someone who won't
cock-tease him.
I know where he's going.
I fucked up.
What is it?
I had sex with a guy.
Was it Marc?
Oh, my God,
that's horrible!
I know. It was.
- It was?
- It was?
I felt so guilty, because...
all I could do was
think about you, Kyle.
Really?
Yeah.
How I let you down.
And how I let
the group down.
And how more than anything
I wanted to be with a woman.
Or with a man and a woman.
I don't know...
it's all so confusing.
And then I thought
of you two.
And what good friends
you've been to me.
And how honest
and open you've been
about your struggles, Kyle.
And about how you two
have an arrangement.
Wait, wait
Is this too weird?
It's not too weird.
Show me.
- Huh?
- Show me your routine.
Oh, it's--
gonna go that far?
Three-ways usually do.
I want you...
to teach me...please?
Why don't I do a little
mouth magic on you first?
That'll get me all nice
and rolling out
the welcome mat
down there.
No. You two first.
That'll get me ready for
what you're gonna do to me.
But you don't
want sloppy seconds.
Company should go first.
Blah!
Blah!
That is so hot.
Kyle, eat me out already!
The boy wants to
see how it's done!
Please don't make me!
Oh, yes...oh, yes.
That's it...
You can do it.
Make mama proud.
Oh my God.
It's like the little
homo that could.
You wanna try now?
Please?
Troy?
Where are you going?
Well, that certainly didn't
taste like sugar and spice.
Troy!
What's going on?
It's my pussy.
My pussy scared him away!
You little ex-gay sluts!
Oh...my...God.
Can we come in, or were you
in the middle of dinner?
What are you doing here?
We're not eating pussy.
What are the three
of you doing?
Well, Kyle was showing Troy
the art of cunnilingus.
And he was doing
an admirable job.
Yeah, for a gay guy.
Yeah, I know -
everything.
You guys will do
anything to get laid.
I ate pussy for nothing?
You deserved it!
Hey! It wasn't that bad!
I'm sorry. I'm horrible.
We're all horrible.
If it's any consolation,
it wasn't just about the sex.
We really liked you.
Working out with you.
Watching the game.
Drawing you.
It doesn't matter now.
Like he's gonna want to have
anything to do with us.
The fucked up thing is,
even though you lied to me,
and to each other,
and to people you don't
even know...
I like you...liars.
We like you, too.
Yeah, you're so cool.
And I'm sorry.
I know I kind of led you all
on with my whole
confused thing.
Yeah, so c'mon.
You've sucked dick
and eaten pussy.
Which is it?
That's what's been tripping
me up all these years.
I thought it had
to be one or the other.
But after sampling both,
I've come to a conclusion.
I'm...bisexual.
There's no such thing!
Says who?
The laws of nature!
It's like horses
fucking gerbils!
Well, then I'm a
freak of nature.
And I'm proud of it.
Good!
Be proud, bi-boy!
I wish you'd been proud
when we met.
But I guess that's hard
when people like you
and Jacob Buchanan tell him
how bad it is to be gay.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I should've helped you instead
of trying to take advantage
of you not
knowing what you were.
So...what do we do now?
We're gonna stop
people like me.
No one should take advantage
of confused queer kids.
And the sooner we help them
see past what they don't like
in themselves so they can
see the great things
right in front of them...
the better.
He's a homo who fucks
things up for other homos.
I don't know if--
Octavio, if people like
him weren't around,
everyone would come out!
You would get laid like that!
I take your point.
I'll do it.
And then we make love.
Stop the spread of faggotry!
Wake up and smell
the patchouli!
You're a dyke!
Help!
I'm being recruited!
Convince me you
didn't like that.
Do your best.
Look...I'm not gonna embrace
who I am just because
it's obvious, okay?
What?
Everyone's so cool
with being gay.
Will and Grace this,
Clay Aiken that.
Well, I'm not gonna
be labelled.
You're not convincing me.
Okay, I'm gay.
Now shut up and kiss me!
I'm not gay.
Then what do you want?
I want us to make art.
That is so...hot.
God, you are a lesbian.
Mom?
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
It's nothing.
No, what?
I've never seen you
this upset.
I was at the beauty shop,
and I was looking
through a magazine,
and I saw that the Oscars
are coming up.
Well, I thought,
who am I gonna watch
the Oscars with?
And then that Britney Aguilera
song came on - the one about
you're beautiful even if
you're ugly and gay -
and I thought,
who's gonna play me this
shitty music
or take me out dancing
when I've had a bad day?
Mom, come on--
No, you stop.
You're gonna get married and
have kids, for Christ's sake.
And I'm gonna visit with
my girlfriends and all we're
gonna talk about
are grandchildren -
and that is so boring!
And Kyle, you've never
been boring,
and that is
because you're gay.
You're a fag, and I want
my little faggot back.
Mom...
He is back.
Did my vagina scare you away?
What?
The other night, you ran away
the second you saw my vagina.
Don't be crazy.
I think you have
a very sexy vagina.
Well, you sure know how
to charm a girl.
There - this port-a-potty's
ready to roll.
I got his precious Blackberry.
We have five minutes.
Okay, now do what you gotta do
but be quick about it.
It shouldn't take more
than a couple minutes.
Got it.
Perfect!
Now get your ass to the
parking lot, pronto.
This is turning me on!
Octavio, aren't you going
to the big presentation?
Yeah, but it's not
till one o'clock.
It's in five minutes.
It's at one o'clock.
Check your schedule.
Oh.
I could've sworn it was--
So it looks like you have
some time to kill, huh?
Well, there's plenty of
work to be done--
Oh...
Too bad.
Hi. Are you here
for Coming In?
Yes, we are.
Where's Jacob?
I'm Linda, his mother.
Mrs. Buchanan.
So nice to meet you.
I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's
right-hand men.
He's running a little late,
but he did say to go ahead
and start without him.
Hmm.
Jacob's never mentioned you.
Probably because he's so
busy talking about all
the girls he's dating, huh!
No!
No kissing.
Mmm, you like it nasty.
Today, I am proud to present
the fruits of my son's labor.
But more than that,
I'm excited to see
the swelling of Coming In
as the homosexual threat
seems to be swelling
exponentially.
It is people
like my son Jacob,
who continue to thrust
our crusade into the spotlight.
Oh, yes, I've wanted this
for so--
Shh.
No, I wanna be loud.
It's dangerous! It's hot--
Open this and shut up.
Jacob has always been
a beacon of light.
When he came to me as a teenager
and told me of his inner demons,
I knew we could destroy
them with loving support
and a strong fist.
You're gonna split me
in two, aren't you?
And we have!
Today, Jacob dates girls -
and he likes dating girls!
Jacob proves that if you can
fight it, you can hide it!
And if you can hide it,
you can bury it!
Ah! What was that?
That was me.
Oh God, it was you.
Oh God, it is you!
In keeping with the themes
you've mentioned, Linda,
we've commissioned local artist
Gwen Anderson and Coming In
member Violet Mufdaver
to portray the revolting
and immoral acts
of homosexuality in a new
and compelling campaign,
which we'd like to
present to you now.
Gwen?
Members of the student press,
heterosexuals,
and those who want to be,
we present Coming In's
newest ad campaign...
"Gay Sex Sucks."
Oh, baby!
This...is absolutely revolting!
Where is Jacob?
Oh, I'm so close!
Where is my son?
I'm going to find Jacob,
and when he's through with you--
Oh, baby!
I'm so close!
So close!
Jacob?
I'm coming!!!
Mommy?
Ugh!!
Get this off of me!
Yep. He's gay.
Gwen...
I was wondering if I could
maybe model for you sometime.
Me, too.
I didn't know outing someone
could be so much fun.
Listen, Tiffani...
I don't know how you feel
about the whole
bisexual thing.
I let my ex-boyfriend's
gay roommate go down on me.
I'm a pretty open person.
Yeah, well, you know how
you and Kyle were pretending
to have an arrangement?
You mean the three-ways?
Yeah.
How would you feel if you
really had that...with me?
Because I'd be honored
to be your boyfriend.
No one's ever said
that to me before.
You went above and beyond
the call of duty.
No...that was hot.
And now I think it's time
for you to repay me
for my services.
Octav--
I won't take no
for an answer.
No.
Well, that was easy!
You know what, Mom?
I'm glad you caught me!
I'm gay!
And Octavio--
Octavio
He's my lover!
Well, we're off for a fuck!
Seems like everybody is.
Do me one favor.
- Yeah?
- Lead him to the clit.
Honey, from the waist down
it's all clit.
That's how I do it.
You know, these lies
I get us into really have
a way of working out.
Perfect.
Remember how, when you and Marc
were fighting over Troy,
you tapped into some
unknown confidence
none of us knew you had?
Yeah?
Use it.
So...plan worked...
Everyone seems to be happy.
So, Octavio, huh?
Please.
There's nothing there.
He's just a friend
I had sex with once.
Looks like you went out
and made some hot friends.
Yeah.
I got more social.
It does make you jealous.
What?
When Troy left last night,
I knew where he was going -
the same place
I used to go when I had
a problem I
needed to talk about.
I got jealous.
So...
Do you think you can find
it in your heart to love
somebody who pretended
to be straight
just to get laid?
I don't know.
Can you love someone
who flirted with way too many
guys while he was
your boyfriend?
Can you love someone whose
last sexual act
involved eating pussy?
Can you love someone who--
Wait, being a flirt
was my only flaw, right?
I don't know.
I lost count.
You've brushed
your teeth, right?
Does that turn you on
as much as I think it does?
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean I'm
not open to new experiences.
Come here.
Better than boys?
Different.
Different rocks.
Oh! Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Did I do good?
Yes, baby.
You did good.
All right, time for thirds!
God!
Oh, God!
I am gay.