Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat (2009) Movie Script
Come, come to me, mi hijo.
Tiffani, you are crying.
Why, my darling?
Oh, Ernesto, it's just...
I've been with so many men.
Have there been many?
No.
It will not matter
if you have been with millions of men.
Well, you're getting warm.
With other men it's just sex.
Random trashy sex that goes on for days.
But with you, I will finally make love.
Oh, Ernesto, I totally love you.
I want to make many children.
Yes, children.
Put children in me now!
Fuck me now!
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
Oh,
yes, fuck me like a day laborer.
Yeah, baby, take me from behind.
Use me, treat me like a fuck machine.
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
In the butt?
Yes, in the butt, now.
Tiffani, we must stop.
If you stop I'll rip off your dick
and shove it in there myself.
Tiffani, we're in a coffin.
Shut up,
you're ruining my fantasy.
Tiffani.
Shit, my speech.
Gracias, Ernesto.
I love funerals.
Kyle and Mark loved life,
and that's why we're here today.
My son was so proud of his homosexuality
that he would want you all to know
exactly how he died.
My son rocketed off this mortal coil
at 80 miles an hour
down the Ronald Regan freeway
while giving the man he loved a blowjob.
According to the autopsy report,
as Mark began to bust a nut,
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared going
in the wrong direction.
Upon impact, my boys came together.
And they died together,
doing what they loved.
Amen.
Kyle's best friend, Tiffani Vanderslut,
has prepared a special tribute.
I wouldn't call us best friends exactly.
This number goes out to you, Kyle
and Mark.
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
I remember the time
Kyle pretended to be straight
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
who made him eat my pussy.
And then everything went...
Well,
maybe that's not an appropriate memory.
And Mark.
Actually I hardly knew you
but whatever, thanks for coming.
Here's a little diddy
I learned in Girl Scouts.
I had to look up the lyrics online.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's squirming, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's horny, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh yes, my lord!
Cum-by-ya.
Oh, God, it's so hard, I just need to...
pray.
Lord, hear our prayer.
I'm gonna love this town.
It isn't much,
but I can give you
a good deal on the rent.
It's perfection.
You haven't seen it.
It's near my Aunt,
what more could I want?
Well, it is furnished
and it'll be nice to have family around.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
I just wish you and Kyle
could've spent more time together.
Did he know you were a mo?
Uh... I didn't know I was a mo
until like a year ago.
Color me, Britney.
I always thought you were gayer
than a midnight screening of Showgirls.
I was one of those clueless gays.
Everyone knew but me.
So when did you finally
get your man-cherry popped?
Aunt Helen!
You don't wanna hear about that.
Of course I do.
I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.
696? Is that local?
Well, I gave your number to
that slut from the funeral, Tiffani.
Oh, I love her.
Kyle adored her.
And, well, I thought
you might need some new friends,
even if they are loser whores.
Hello?
Casey, Casey.
Hey, Tiffani.
How did you know it was me?
I remembered your sultry voice
form the funeral.
Compliments will get you nowhere
unless you're straight.
And hung like Mr. T.
Damn and damn.
As I thought.
Your aunt tells me you need a job,
why don't you get your faggoty ass down
to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
You are such a stud.
I know.
Where have you been
sticking these things?
Go on, go get your tramp on.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
Okay, go.
I am the coolest adult in the world.
Oh, Kyle...
My little queen.
Nail Me, we do nails. With release!
No, I'm kidding,
I mean, unless you're a really hot guy.
Are you?
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
my brand of humor...
Well, I'm sorry I offended
your Christian sensibility,
but if you worship a guy
who was hung on a cross,
nails should be
the last thing on your mind.
Who needs customer like her anyway.
Let me introduce you to the girls.
Pam, Candy.
They said they can't wait
to get to know you.
Cool.
Tell them I feel the same way.
Basically, you sweep up,
take phone calls
and do whatever we say.
Can you handle that?
Is Madonna awesome?
Okay. Well the job's yours anyway,
but there's one little catch.
You have to come with me
to this event thingy.
I love event thingies.
You try too hard. Come on.
Right now? What about work?
Fuck them.
Fuck you, too.
Hand.
What are we doing here?
I don't like places like this.
Me neither,
but they have this fundraiser
where they auction off dates
with shirtless beefcakes.
Nudity and open bar.
You're taking me to that?!
No, it's in two weeks.
And you're taking me.
Kyle was going to,
but, you know, he's dead.
So you're going to volunteer
and get us free tickets.
But I'm so not a hot shirtless man.
You're hardly a man,
no one would pay for you,
you'll help out behind the scenes.
-Why would I do that?
-I gave you that job
and I can replace you with an immigrant,
like that!
Okay, okay, it's just that
I'm not into the whole gay scene.
Welcome to the whole gay scene.
Are you kids here to volunteer?
I'm not but Casey is.
Fabulous.
Darling,
you're shaking like a little Chihuahua.
Don't be nervous, I don't bite...much.
He's never volunteered before.
Oh, a virgin.
If you don't count anal.
Well, either way,
fill out this paperwork
and then I'll have Zack,
our volunteer coordinator, meet with you
and figure out which position
you'd be most comfortable in.
So to speak.
That's why I don't like these places.
They're full of these old horn dogs
looking to get laid.
Jesus. Lay off the fox news.
No, really,
I always hear 'the gay community' this,
the 'gay community' that.
But all I see are a bunch of
drunk assholes looking for sex,
who don't care anything
about relationships.
Excuse me, Maria full of grace,
but that doesn't sound any different
than any straight bar.
Drunk sweaty men.
Drooling, groping,
pressing their manhood all up
against your supple ass
on the dance floor.
God, you are gayer than I am.
Honey,
I'm gayer than a Kevin Spacey
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
and what's wrong with that?
Nothing, it's just...
I'm disappointed at
how sex-centric the gay community is.
It's called homosexual,
not homo-hug-ual,
what did you expect?
Romance?
I want to travel the world on scooters,
adopt children.
Children are just abortions that eat.
You know what? Forget it,
I am not signing that stupid...
Oh, my fuck.
I see you got your paperwork.
Uh, yeah... just let me sign it.
Cool.
Jonathan?
Uh, Casey.
Oh, I'm Zack.
This is Tandy.
I'm his best friend.
That's so funny,
I'm here with my best friend, Tiffani.
No, I'm more like your boss.
Wow, best friends with T names.
Yeah, we should like form a club.
Excuse me, I gotta go take a shit.
I'll come with.
So you're comfortable
taking off your clothes?
What?
Oh, I just assumed you were volunteering
to be one of the studs in the male sale.
I'm clearly not a... stud.
Are you a...a stud?
I mean in the male sale?
Yes, I'm in the auction.
But I sorta do everything around here.
So, wow,
how'd you get into volunteering?
I'm running credit
for this faggotry studies class
and it's a good way to meet people.
Totally good way.
Well, they look like
they're getting along.
I guess we have to pretend
to like each other now.
Wow, you're really good at it.
What are some of your skills?
Huh?
Things you can do to help
with the auction?
Since we can't sell you.
Well... what are your skills?
Brochures, visual stuff,
I'm an art major.
I design all the posters here.
I can't even make a smiley
on my cellphone.
Can you write?
Does texting count?
Maybe you could write the copy
for one of the flyers I'm designing.
We could work on it together.
I'd love to.
Can I get your number?
Really?
Yeah, you didn't write it on your form.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know the Blue Dahlia Caf?
Uh, yeah.
Let's meet there tomorrow at 4:00.
We'll put you to work.
Okay, well, here's my number
and you can have it too,
if you want to...
Zack!
Can we leave this dump already?
I can feel the troll sucking
our youth away.
Lionel.
This is my boyfriend.
Oh, great.
Me, you, talk in private. Now.
Excuse us.
You didn't have to come
if you're gonna be like this.
You're the one complaining we never get
to spend enough time together.
Well, here I am.
With your friends.
Hey. We're letting you auction us off
for this dump.
Be grateful.
Let's get out of here.
I'm signed up for another hour.
I'll fucking cover for you.
You don't have to do that.
Oh, but I want to.
Besides, fleabag here gives me a rash.
But I wasn't anywhere near your pussy.
Get him the fuck out of here.
Thanks, Tandy.
See you soon, buddy.
Yeah, sounds....
Like that'll happen.
He's sweet, nice, and hot.
Of course he's taken.
Nah, he's just ass-pussy whipped.
They won't last long.
Buddy.
Don't take it so personally.
Why are we together,
we don't like doing the same things.
We like doing the same.
Swallowing doesn't count.
Swallowing counts. It's extra credit.
It's been six months
and I still feel you're pulling away.
Because you're always clinging on to me.
What do you expect? You won't even
call us boyfriends in public.
You know you want me inside you.
No. I'm mad,
I'm not happy with how things are going.
You're good at one thing.
Lionel.
You're great at it.
Please, don't.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Please stop.
I don't want to do this.
I don't wanna....
Oh...
Oh, yeah.
No one does it better than you.
You can cling on to
that anytime you like, snuggle bear.
We're through, get out.
Can I at least come first?
Get out!
Come on.
Are you ready to say goodbye to this?
I'll slam the door on it
if you don't get the fuck out.
Good luck trying to find someone
as hot as me.
I'm gonna come right here
on your front door.
Yeah, you know you wish
you were sucking this.
What am I doing?
Oh yeah.
Oh, fuck yeah.
You know what?
Enjoy being alone, whack job.
Found him!
Wow, stalker much?
What should I say?
I'm a lonely psychopath
that look you up within
an hour of meeting you.
You're right, I should wait until morning.
Then he'll think you obsessed
about him all night.
Don't you know anything
about the internet?
You should make a fake profile.
What?
Pretend to be a total random stranger
so you can find out
all his personal details.
People are honest with strangers.
My fake name is Tittsy Montgomery.
I could find out
if he wants a serious relationship.
I was thinking more like cock size
but whatever.
You need the perfect fake picture
and I know the perfect person.
Holy rim job, who is that?
My incredibly hot ex BF, Ryan.
He's a stripper.
He was supposed to be my rebound
after Troy broke my heart
but he has a good tongue,
so I let him stay.
Why did you break up with that?
What if your boyfriend finds out?
We have an open relationship.
Uhh, we do?
Ryan,
this is not what it looks like.
Neither is this.
We had commitment issues.
Anyway, he moved to Tucson
so it's totally safe to use his pictures.
Why would I want Zack to talk
to someone way hotter than I am.
When's the last time you opened up
to an ugly stranger?
Besides,
you find out what you need to know,
then Ryan will disappear.
A fake profile is the perfect wingman.
Okay.
Okay, let's do this.
What's my name?
Ryan.
Ryan.
Do you agree to
the following terms and conditions.
Number one, GaySpaceBook.com...
Agree, you nerd!
You should really read these things,
you never know.
What are you, a pilgrim?
I bet you avoid handicap spaces.
And vote.
Favorite movie?
Roman Holiday, of course.
Straight acting or not?
Put, "I'm gay, why should I act anything
but what I am."
Oh, you are scary good, girl.
Come on, breakup sex.
You are a hottie,
let's hope you're next door
cause I don't feel like driving.
Looking for?
First I want to develop
something special with you,
then we fuck each other's brains out.
Perfect combination of romantic
and nasty, right?
Whatever, no one reads those,
just write them.
Yummy.
Oh, my God, it's him.
What do I do? What do I write?
Write what you know.
Well, in your case, don't.
You're not helping.
Gotta play it cool.
Hey. That's so romantic.
Kindly help a broken hearted stranger
with hours of meaningless sex!
Oh God, yes.
So, get to know me.
Oh shit! Can he see us?
No. My camera's not on.
Oh.
Likely story.
So, ask away.
Thanks for starting off easy.
I didn't want to put up
with his shit anymore.
You know how you tell yourself
that it's gonna get better?
You know it's not,
but you hang on
to any little good thing he does
to prove that it might get better.
Well, I guess there weren't any.
Then it was just the really hot sex.
Yeah.
How do you know
what the little good things are?
Okay, try me.
You're an artist.
I'd take you to a museum.
You look like a basketball fan.
Lakers tickets.
Massage, good bottle of wine.
And little things like
bringing you something to drink
without you having to ask.
Well done, Ms. Cleo.
What can I do to get you
to come over here right now.
Oh, strip.
Date?
You already know me inside and out,
I think I'm in love.
Wait, I know.
If you don't come over...
He is not!
Here's what you'll be missing.
Get out of my way!
Holy clit!-Oh, my God.
Oh shit.
I cannot believe...
You spilled your Sunny Delight.
How could you?
You owe me a computer!
And a boyfriend.
He's a fake.
No one can be that hot and that nice,
it's against the nature.
Look you.
But he has tons of profile pictures,
he must be real.
You still believe The Hills is real.
If he was a fake,
he would've watched me jack off.
I just threw up a little bit
in my pussy.
Maybe it's not a good idea
for us to hang out?
I don't believe you.
Zack's single now,
so the reason we invented Ryan
doesn't matter anymore.
I mean, why keep up the charade?
Why email him at all? Just disappear.
You're still pretending to be Ryan,
even if it is just to dump him.
I'm just being polite.
You're just keeping him
and his pretty dick hanging on,
so you still have access to him in case
he doesn't go for exhibit A.
You're right.
If he normally gets prime rib like Ryan,
why would he settle for...
Turkey burger?
I blew it,
Mr. Fake doesn't wanna meet me.
Because he's not real.
I came on too strong.
Gay men hate guys who do that.
He was trying to get to know me
but I went from zero to sixty-nine.
There are millions of men who
can fuck first and then fall in love.
But I don't want other men, I want him.
Jesus Christ!
My mom warned me
I was turning into a fag hag.
You're not a fag hag.
I'm gonna be a fat spinster
whose only sexual outlet
is sucking off drunken homos.
You'd suck me off
if I were drunk, right?
My fag hag days are over.
Now separate the finger nails
from the toe nails.
Ew, what?
Busy work.
You still have fifteen minutes left.
I must get ready for my date.
It's not a date, queef-cake.
It's a date,
he just doesn't know it yet.
My, my, look who went
and downloaded some balls.
He might've seen
Ryan's picture online last night,
but he was talking to me.
We have a connection.
At least we will
by the end of the night.
Fuck, I've got to see this.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no problem,
I had nothing else to do.
Wait, that sounds bad.
No it doesn't, you just moved here.
I... I drafted up some ideas
for the male sale flyers.
I Google-imaged you.
Whoa, these are great.
Thanks for giving me extra abs.
Those are yours and you know it.
Thanks for the ego boost,
I could really use one right about now.
I'm sorry about your breakup.
How did you know?
Oh! I...-Lionel?
He's a big fucking mouth.
That's one of the reasons
I don't like the gay community.
I think the gay community is more diverse
than you give it credit for.
Well, I think he's crazy
for breaking up with you.
I broke up with him.
Sorry.
No big deal.
He's not what's bothering me.
I met this guy online last night,
Ryan,
oh, my God.
You have never seen anything like him,
and he was so totally into me
until I blew it.
You think you blew it?
Yeah, I got too sexual. A fatal flaw.
Well, if he was just a hot body,
those are...
It was more than that.
This guy connected with me.
He was smart and funny and he knew me.
He sounds too good to be true.
Yeah, he probably is fake.
I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
I normally don't talk to guys
about my social life.
You seem pretty comfortable.
You make me feel comfortable, Casey.
Hey, maybe sometime you and I could...
Oh my God, that's him.
How do I look?-Huh?
How do I look?-Uh...
gorgeous. Are you sure...
Wish me luck.
Good fucking luck.
Hey, Ryan1989.
Hey... you.
I was beginning to think
you were imaginary
like a smurf or something.
Nope, I'm all real.
You can say that again.
Mind if I don't?
We're both here,
you wanna give this a shot
and go out some night?
Uuh... Ryan,
look who's back.
Don't they have stripper poles
in Tucson?
Tiffany,
did you get a boob job?
No, I'm still saving up.
What's going on?
Casey, this is Ryan from the Internet.
You look so much better
than your pictures, doesn't he?
Now, how would Casey have seen
Ryan's cute little disco boy picture.
Yeah, you mean my picture
with the headband and yellow gym shorts.
Yellow mesh gym shorts. Rarrr.
And then there's that one
where you're on the beach
with some blond chick and your bulge.
Yeah, Ryan loves nailing blonds.
Yeah, but I love nailing brunettes, too.
Brunette women, Ryan's straight,
we used to fuck. I took that picture.
He wasn't straight last night.
Yeah, after fucking Tiffani
I just gave up on women.
It happens to you a lot, huh?
Oh, you little cum monkey.
So, let's give this a shot.
When do you want to hang out?
Ugh, this sucks.
I just set up the hottest couple
in the universe.
When their hot muscled bodies
come together,
they'll probably form
like Voltron or something.
He's lying.
If Ryan's gay, I'll eat my own twat.
What kind of straight guy
goes on a date with another man?
He was a stripper at a gay bar.
He would clean a toilet with his dick
for a dollar.
He's just trying to get back at me.
Oh... Zack wanna talk to me about
what they should do
on their Barbie dream date
because I make him feel comfortable.
No smiley.
This is serious.
My God, you're like his fag hag now.
I hate my life.
Casey, great, you can do my back.
Oh my God, are you ok?
Yeah, it's just a little ouchy,
that's all.
Ouchy?
Never mind, it's fine.
Good.
Squirt me.
Okay.
God, I'm as nervous
as Isaiah Washington's hairdresser.
About the date?
Yes, about the date.
He was so hot and cold at the caf.
Isn't he cute?
I'm not really into guys that...hot.
Really?
Okay, your turn.
Oh, I'm not a taking off my shirt
in public kind of guy.
Don't tell me you have body issues.
Take it off or I will.
Okay, okay.
You know, when we, mere mortals,
are around gods like you,
how can we not...
Please, you've got a great body.
And, besides,
some guys like 'em not all exercised.
Here.
So what should I do on my date?
You mean besides sex?
I don't want it to be about sex.
When we chatted online he had
all these ideas for great things to do
and I wanna come up
with some great idea, too.
Ok, well what's your dream first date?
Wow, I guess
I never really thought about it.
You've never fantasized about
the perfect first date?
I was too busy going on real dates.
Asshole.
Well, clearly someone's thought about it.
Tell me yours, Romeo.
Okay.
We're in Italy, well, Rome.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
I'm obsessed with Italy.
You are?
Yeah, I've been wanting to go to Italy
since I was like three.
I'm going after graduation
if I can save enough cash.
I've got like $3,200 saved so far.
I can't wait to go. Someday.
Well, I can't exactly take Ryan
to Italy tonight.
So, do you got any dream dates
that are a little more practical?
Okay, well my dream date, it's intimate.
Like I make him dinner so it's personal.
Yeah, something at your place,
just the two of you,
no distractions.
Yeah, and maybe I'd have a fun theme
for the meal.
Italian.-Perfetto.
Pasta, pinot grigio,
some funky Italian music.
That's all I'd need
because the best first dates
are the ones where the conversation's
just really easy.
And it flows cause you're both
listening to each other
like you're focused.
And there are those moments
when you're looking into
each other's eyes,
wondering if maybe
he's thinking the same thing.
That sometime tonight we're gonna...
Kiss.
Exactly.
Kiss.
Oh my God!-What?
You totally inspired me,
I have the perfect date.
Scoot.
He's not gonna know what hit him.
I can't thank you enough.
Well, text me if you need help!
Text me if you need help.
If you're trying to stop me,
it won't work.
If you think going on a fake gay date
will make me jealous,
you're dumber than a flock of Palins.
I don't want that,
I just wanna piss you off.
You cheated too!
It's not about that,
it's about you putting pubes
in my protein powder the next day.
They weren't even mine.
And poking holes in my contact lenses,
Putting crabs in my drawer.
And using my toothbrush to clean the...
Ok,
I'm a jealous woman.
But at least I feel something.
You're an emotionless stripper
who uses his body as a bargaining chip.
And that's not gonna get you anything
but a dirty dollar bill
shoved up your ass.
You're fat.
Have a good night. I know I will.
Ryan, right on time.
Hey, look,
I gotta talk to you
about this Internet thing.
I know, me too, come on in.
I saw on your profile that Roman Holiday
is your favorite movie.
It's also mine.
So I've got
a special little tour for you,
come on.
As you know, when Audrey Hepburn
sneaks out of the consulate,
Gregory Peck shows her
the sights of Rome.
So here we have the Sistine Chapel,
painted by Michelangelo.
Italian wine.
Next we have an exact replica
of the Trevi Fountain.
That's pretty cool.
And our last stop is the mouth of truth,
you know,
the most famous scene in the movie.
Yeah.
So put your hand in its mouth
and if you're lying to me
it'll get bitten off.
And don't tell my landlord
about the hole.
Rarrr!-You scared the shit out of me!
Your hand's still here.
I knew you wouldn't lie to me.
You're an amazing guy
and I don't deserve you.
I gotta go.
Text me, text me, text me, text me.
I love you, Zack!
It's nice to have a friend
who will listen to my romantic problems.
I told you to text me
if you needed help
and you did.
And I'm here to help.
Can you help me find a boyfriend?
Oh my God, is that the mouth of truth?
Yeah, his profile said
his favorite movie was Roman Holiday, so.
You did that for him?
It's stupid.
It's the most romantic thing
I've ever seen.
See, I'm telling the truth.
Yeah, I actually had
this whole Roman Holiday tour.
There's the Colossum,
I ate half of it.
Zack, there's something
I should tell you.
I haven't been honest with you. I...
Great, who's that?
Oh my God, Ryan?
Hey man,
there's something I gotta tell you.
Oh, did you tell him?
Tell me what?
I was just about to.
Of course you were.
That wasn't me
you were talking to online.
Him and Tiffani made a fake profile
and used my picture.
What?-I don't even have a profile.
I'm not even gay.
Zack, it's not what it sounds like.
Did you pretend to be him?
Yes, but it was only because
I didn't want to look like a stalker,
which I know I totally like now.
My first genuine conversation in years
was with a total fake.
And why? So you can fuck me?
No, I mean yes,
I mean more than that.
The things I said were true.
Dude, if you liked him,
why didn't you just tell him.
And you let me take you on that whole
fucking tour like some kind of idiot.
Get the fuck out! Both of you.
Zack, I'm sorry.
Is that...-Get out!
I was in the middle of telling him,
you know.
Sorry man,
it was a crappy thing you guys did.
I just wanted to get his attention.
You coulda got it without
getting all stalker-azzi on him.
With guys like you walking around?
Even if I was gay,
it wouldn't have worked out.
He was less into what I looked like
and more into what you said.
Anyway, sorry.
No, it's my own damn fault.
This is Tandy, impress me.
And if you're one of my gay friends
and just had a bad date,
I'm not calling you back for three days.
Because I'm not a fag hag!
Casey, right?
Yeah.
I'm Harry.
That's my name, not that I am hairy.
Honey, what's wrong?
You look like Liberace after they
put the seat back on his piano stool.
Wrong generation.
Never mind.
You look like you could
use some company tonight.
Oh, I'm not interested.
On, no, darling.
You're adorable
but you're far too young for me.
Us in bed would be like
teaching calculus to a preschooler.
No. Sex with men who have the maturity
of an experienced lover,
there's nothing quite like it.
T.M.I.
Pardon?
Nothing.
Let me guess.
Some strapping thing
has broken your heart.
Is it that obvious?
Either that or Miley Cyrus died.
See, I'm not that dated.
Yeah, it's a guy.
No, no, it's me.
I was a complete jerk.
And I knew it while it was happening
but I did it anyway.
And now I'll never get to show Zack
what a great boyfriend I can be.
Now I'll never even have a boyfriend.
And I'll wind up alone
until I'm all old and...
Sorry.
Oh dear heart,
there's worse things
than not having a boyfriend.
Like trudging bare foot uphill
through five miles of snow
just to find
the nearest homosexual saloon.
It was a joke.
I'm not that old.
-You're not?
-Well now, that was just not pretty.
All I'm saying is,
as dark as it may seem,
I think your generation
has it pretty easy
when it comes to finding
all the other fish
in the sea.
I bet you're thinking right now
that the obvious solution
is something that I used to do
when I was trying to get over someone.
What's that?
Well I used to think
that a good roll in the hay
would be all I needed
but I was wrong.
Sleeping with someone
to get over someone else never works.
Casey, right?
Yeah.
Trust me on this, it never works.
You want to go somewhere and talk?
Never.
Sure.
Never learn.
That drink was strong,
like drinking blood straight
from Amy Winehouse's wrist.
God, I'm glad I met you.
Last guy I dated, Zack,
such a fucking loser.
He was a good kisser.
Kissing's overrated.
How good was he?
Incredible.
Always started off the same way.
Two pecks.
Then a deeper kiss.
Followed by a bite to the lower lip.
And repeat.
You're so gonna love this.
Get back in.
We should fuck. Is that your bed?
I don't usually do that on the first...
Yeah, neither do I.
Right behind you.
You're so gonna love this.
Hi, how can I hurt you today?
We gotta talk.
We have nothing to talk about.
Five minutes, that's all I ask.
You need to have an appointment.
What do you mean,
I thought you were gay for Zack.
Come on, you know I'm not gay.
You know I was just
trying to piss you off.
Well, it didn't work, clit monger.
Why would you want to help them.
They seem like
they actually belong together.
And I messed that up.
My God, you have feelings?
I thought your fortes fortes
was cheating and home wrecking.
You cheated too.
He wasn't inside me yet.
We both fucked up.
But this is our chance
to do something right.
Aww.
Tyra moment.
Yuck!
How do we get them together?
Zack clearly prefers to be
with gorgeous people
like me and you.
It takes a lot more than
a gym and some cucumbers
to make someone gorgeous.
The point is
Casey isn't even on Zack's menu.
Exactly!
We're ordering from the wrong menu.
We gotta go to
another restaurant where Zack is
and order the hot dog.
Because we really just want the bun.
Or we could trick them into a date.
That's what I just said.
Hey there sausage, why the long dick.
Oh, it's you.
Yes, it's me,
the slut with the heart of shit.
No argument here.
I know. I'm sorry,
I owe you a cocktail,
or at least a hand job.
You've done enough, really.
Actually, there is something you can do.
Find me an auctioneer for the male sale.
I'll do it.
I used to run the auction
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.
Really?-Yeah.
There's a lot people don't know about me.
Listen.
You need to know the truth about
what went down with Casey.
Casey can suck my balls.
Well, that's what he's been
trying to say all along.
You know what I mean.
I know.
Come on, let me buy you a drink later.
You shouldn't be alone
during this delicate juncture.
Trust me, I've been there.
Where is your fag hag anyway?
Oh, come on, I'll sub for her.
You can't sub for a best friend.
You're gay
and I'm a straight girl of big tits.
Evolution has genetically programmed us
to be there for each other.
Like the clown fish and the sea anemone.
Now, what'd you say?
Casey!-Oh, hey.
You, me, drinks. Tonight.
No. What's up with you going out
with gay guys.
I want to make up
for screwing up your game.
Yeah, I don't think a Blue Ribbon
or whatever it is straight guys
drink is gonna help.
I'll put an umbrella in it.
Awesome. I'll pick you up at 6:00.
It's me.
We're set.
Great! Now be a good little stripper
and do whatever it
takes to get those boys all
horned up and ready to blow.
I think they care about more than sex.
Jesus, you sound like a woman
that isn't me.
Of course they care about sex.
If they don't,
that's what the alcohol's for.
Well, you just show up
when you're supposed to.
Honey,
I'm a as reliable as birth control.
That's not a 100%.
Take it or leave it.
Tandy, what's up dragon lady?
I got your non-call,
leave a fucking V.M. next time.
You said you didn't want to hear
about gay problems.
Good point, thanks for sparing me
the Queer as Folk rerun.
Where are we going?
To hang out with my new friend,
remember that girl, Tiffani.
The sluttier version of Tara Reid?
You're hanging out with her?
She wanted to hear about my problems.
I smell a rat...
with fake tits.
To all the boys I fucked
and never called back.
That must be like a hundred.
Like ten years ago maybe.
Here's to me catching up.
So, this whole Internet...
Lie.
Performance was totally 100% my idea.
Casey had nothing to do with it.
But he's the one who
chatted with me, right?
Yes.
But I practically raped him into it.
So what he said,
how much of that was him?
Just the good stuff.
He's lucky to have you,
except for the raping part.
To the raping part.
To the raping part.
Trust me,
this is so much better than shaving.
That feels really weird.
Assholes are like snowflakes.
Speaking of pretty assholes,
why were you dating that Lionel guy?
What? You've never dated
an asshole before?
Honey, assholes are attracted to me
like shit...
to assholes.
And why did you stay with them?
Sex.
Exactly! I have the same problem,
I can't say no to cock.
Oh, you're fucking to the choir.
Dick, it just like...
blinds me, you know.
You ripped out my taint!
My turn.
You know, Zack is totally into you.
No he's not.
I need to give up
and go for someone uglier.
Not like Michael Stipe ugly,
but at least Rufus Wainwright ugly.
I don't watch that show.
But I've been watching gay guys
for years.
See, they don't think
the strippers can see back,
but we totally can.
You guys' problem is
you don't even talk to each other,
you're always waiting for someone else
to make the first move.
I gave him my number,
I volunteered for the male sale,
I took off my shirt for him.
I stalked him on the Internet.
I made all the moves.
But when'd you tell him you liked him.
You know, you could cheat on me,
steal all my money and kill my mother
but if you're hot,
I'll make excuses for you
until the day you leave me.
Or turn gay.
Or both.
Oh, damn,
all out of liquor.
Let's get out of here.
You can have that one,
I got plenty at home.
That pizza ought to be here any minute.
Yum, pizza.
What if your boyfriend Zack
was the delivery boy?
You are such a stripper.
And he's not my boyfriend.
I gotta hit the head,
get the door if the pizza comes.
Ok.
You've been a very bad boy.
You have the right to remain sexy.
Anything you touch will be held
against you in the court of my...
Hit me with that pepperoni!
Casey?
Gotta go, you two work it out, bye.
Damn it!-Hey Zack.
Nice hat.
Are they fucking yet?
Not even close.
Is this gonna work?
Trust me, it's science.
If you leave two dicks together,
eventually one of them's
going to need sucking.
Like prison.
I'm really sorry about what I did.
Who does stuff like that?
People with no self-esteem?
It's kinda mean.
I'm sorry, it got out of hand.
I just...I wanted to...
I don't know. I wanted to meet you.
You did meet me.
I know,
I'm just an idiot.
It's not a big deal, it's over.
Come on,
this is the part where you fuck him.
Man, he just looked at you. Look back.
The dick sucking principle
should take effect any second.
Nah, I've seen guys do this at the club.
They'll sit there for hours
and never say a word,
no matter how much they like each other.
Go do something.
There's nothing I can do.
Except...
What?
Work my stripper magic.
Stripper magic?
When I see two guys doing this
at the club,
I'll get between them and make them
put their hands all over me.
Then, I'll get out of the way
and they're so worked up
that they're all over each other.
You're like a stripper Harriett Tubman.
Exactly!
Get to it Harriett,
the dogs are coming.
Thank God, can we leave now?
You boys sit right there,
this party's just getting started.
Let me show you
some classic stripper moves.
What the fuck are you doing?
You guys are at full attention,
and Sergeant Ryan's here to release it.
Now, both of you make a wish
and pull.
You've got to be kidding me.
Well it is kind of an ugly shirt.
Totally generic.
That's more like it.
Free.
Now, rip open rigid Ryan's jeans.
You're straight?
We're just three dudes having some fun.
Now pull.
Are you hard?
Maybe. Are you?
Gotta get out of these pants.
There's never a sexy way
to get the jeans off.
I don't know, that's pretty...
Sexy.
Your turn.
For what?
For your free lesson in exotic dancing,
it's an actual skill you know.
I'm in.
I'll watch.
No looky-loos, come on.
Undo your shirts.
With more confidence. A slow reveal.
Good.
Now, when you get to the last button,
take your shirt at the collar
and slowly peel it off.
Good, that's hot. Yeah.
Now, pull your pants off like I did,
and lead forward, like this.
Come on, we're in underwear.
Zack, come here, take a side.
Well, that was certainly fun.
Now give me a lap dance.
How's this?
You dance like a straight boy.
You need to move them like this.
You're all thrust and no grind.
Casey, come here.
Put your hands here.
Feel this.
That's hot.
You know, you guys make a hot couple.
Guys, I think I'm gonna...
You're not gonna go anywhere
when you're that hard.
Oh yeah. That's so hot.
Oh my God, that is so fucking hot!
Fuck yeah, work that pussy.
And what do we have here?
Shew, get away.
I don't do the lesbian thing anymore.
I knew this was gonna happen.
You did?
Get over here.
What the...
Ready for the Zack special?
Help me.
Holy crap.
Oh yeah,
I've never had two months before,
yeah, one of you do the balls.
Oh my God!
Why are you fucking with Zack?
Technically I'm watching them
fuck with Zack.
I'm breaking up
that blow fest right now.
Over my hot dead body.
That's what I was planning.
Is that pussy juice?
A thousand dollars worth.
Guys,
I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!
I've never heard that without anything
in my pussy before.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow!
You fucking bitch.
Let me kick that pussy again.
Tandy?-Tiffani?
Sorry I'm late.
Woman things.
God, I miss that cock.
Are you ok?-Kill the bitch.
What the hell happened?
I was trying to protect you.
I appreciate it but it turns out
that everything's just fine.
Better than fine.
What? Are you life partners now?
I think we're...
Thanks to me and Ryan,
and Ryan's friend.
Zack, I have the perfect first date
for us.
Like your first date with him?
You're just like everyone else.
Fuck you!
You're all assholes.
I miss how we fuck.
Rigid Ryan misses you too.
Oh come on,
let's go suck the gay out of your cock.
I hate the Internet.
You can use it for things
other than sex.
Like what?
Well, maybe gay people can't.
Speaking of trolling for sex,
I can't believe Casey just slept
with the first thing that looked at him.
Ugh, I hate him. But in his defense,
you did sort of reject him.
So?
What did you do
when Lionel rejected you?
You trolled...
Online for sex.
I hate that you're always right.
It's like Jesus is my fag hag.
Wait, sorry,
I know you don't like being called...
I'm dealing with it.
I'm your fag hag.
Not a fag hag. Your fag hag.
Thank you sweetie.
But if I'm your fag hag,
then you're my gay bitch.
Gay bitch loves his fag hag.
You better bitch,
I got a black eye for you.
Casey? Honey?
I'm moving back home.
Can you drop me off at the bus station
when I'm done packing?
I thought you were making new friends?
Don't you like it here?
The cheap rent, the beautiful weather,
the abundance of gay ass.
I turned everything into a big wet mess.
Oh honey, it can't be that bad.
It's horrible!
It's like 9/11 but with sex.
Like a 69/11.
You're horrible.
Oh honey, come on.
I don't know
what kind of orgie-astic corfafel
you've gotten yourself wrapped up in.
But I do know that
when you run from your problems,
the location might change
but your problems will be
right there waiting for you.
Only there you won't have cheap rent
and this beautiful weather.
What about the abundance of gay ass?
Honey, you can find that anywhere.
Now come on, tell your auntie Helen
all about your problem.
I promise you won't shock me.
Ok, I pretended to be Ryan
to Zack online
but then Ryan showed up
and went out with Zack
to get back at Tiffani.
Anyway, I think Zack realized he liked me
for who I am and not the way Ryan looked
but he never told me.
So I fucked Lionel who was probably
just trying to get back at Zack,
and then Ryan got Zack and me
to give him a blowjob
in order to get us together.
And it actually worked.
Until Zack got a videoclip of
me and Lionel doing it.
So, Zack never told you how he felt.
Yeah.
And you're just gonna leave town
without giving him a chance to.
You're not leaving town you fuck tard.
We have a date
and I'm not running that auction alone.
The slut's right.
Don't pussy out on the youth center
just because someone hurt
your dick's feelings.
Love her.
Besides, when you run from your problems,
the location may change...
I already got that speech.
Than what are we waiting for, cum boy,
we're gonna be late.
Bah-bye.
I smell an open bar.
Get me anything with a whiskey
and nothing else.
Oh good, you came.
Oh my God, I did.
Zack, I...
Here's the stuff you need to say.
Don't bomb.
What's a "ligabut?"
That's LGBT.
What's that?
Jesus Christ,
I have to get you to the green room.
Zack, wait, I came to apologize.
Funny, originally you said you were
coming to support the gay community.
You know the gay scene
isn't really my thing.
You know for someone who talks down
on the gay scene so much,
you really go out of your way
to represent the worst of it.
Blowjob for your thoughts?
What do you want?
Come on, all I did was prove
that the guy you thought was your friend
is just a big phony.
You should be happy.
You thought that sending me
your sex video would make me happy?
I had to do something to keep you apart.
Why?
You know why.
Say it.
I was jealous, alright? Jesus.
I knew it.
And it wasn't just that.
I could tell you
were connecting with him.
I want you back.
Can you feel how badly I want you back?
I don't care how hot you are,
I need more.
You're so deep.
If it's deep to want
someone who's gonna respect me
and listen to me
and inspire me to do things
that I'd never thought I'd do.
Then yeah, I'm deep.
And you're too shallow for me.
Good luck raising money for your charity
without auctioning off my ass
and my friend's asses.
You wouldn't, this is for the community.
Fuck the community.
Lionel!
Hello, hello queers and wannabes.
Welcome to the tenth annual male sale.
Tenth?
I didn't think a gay could commit
to anything for that long.
I'm Tiffani,
your mattress of ceremonies.
I love that drag queen.
Zack, I'm sorry, I...
Now's your chance to prove you're really
here to support the community.
What?
Lionel and his friends
dropped out of the auction
and I need you and the strip master here
to get in your boxers
and let me sell you.
Take off my shirt on stage?
I'm in.
Zack, I'm sorry...
This is more important
than whoever you're sleeping with
or lying to.
This money helps support
the Matthew Shepard Youth Program,
the Matthew Shepard reading room,
the Matthew Shepard hotline
and the Matthew Shepard
homeless synchronized swim team.
Alright,
finally let's get to the prostituting.
Auctioning.
Bring out the meat.
For our first stud we have Lionel!
Casey!
Woo, Casey!
You go boy!
Look at his rippling muscles and sexy...
I'm sorry, this was for the guy
we were supposed to have.
Look at his...
personality.
Casey is an out of towner
that enjoys cruising online for Zack,
talking about Zack,
and working at Nail Me Salon.
Located at 4255 Hawthorne Lane,
call for an appointment.
Take off your shirt!
Ok,
now we're talking.
Have you ever seen such...
white flesh.
Ok, let's get the bidding started.
Who's gonna be first?
50 dollars, we got a 50 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me a 50 dollar bid?
50 dollars, 50 dollar bid!
10 dollars!
Bidding starts at 50, bitches.
11!
Take off your pants.
What?-We are desperate here.
And while you're stripping down
to your beautiful
Andrew Christian briefs,
why don't you tell us
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program
at the center means to you.
I used to think
the center didn't apply to me at all.
I thought it was just
a bunch of old guys
looking to get their rocks off.
But a friend forced me to volunteer here
where I met one of these old guys
face to face.
Boy, was I wrong.
He was a caring person,
emptying his wallet and busting his ass
to make sure that
people like me don't have
to go through the shit
that people like him had to.
And he's just one of
the dozens of people here
trying to help
thousands of kids like me.
I started this summer feeling
at odds with the gay community
but now I look out at your faces and
I see a friend who will do anything
to protect the people close to her.
An example for me to aspire to.
A bitch when you need one.
A family that won't let you fail
even when you've already
given up on yourself.
And a leader, who can change the way
we see each other
and teach us about the things
that really matter.
And I couldn't be prouder
to be a part of this.
100 dollars.
200 dollars.
500 dollars.
This is an unexpected surprise.
500 dollars,
we have a 500 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me 600?
3,200 dollars.
What?
3,200 dollars.
Not to be rude or anything but,
bitch, do you have that kind of money?
That's your Italy money.
I don't need to go to Italy for romance.
Sold!
Look at that sweet smile,
you're precious.
Ryan1989,
you are way hotter than your pic.
I'm so glad I stalked you.
It's not as hot without your dick
in the middle.
I don't know how
I found the sweetest thing around
Please tell me where have you been
It was long overdue
My hope is gone
in believing the two can be together
Baby I was wrong, so wrong
It's true
So let's take our time
We don't gotta rush
I want this to feel right
I don't wanna miss anything
So I'll have to hold on tight
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
wen I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
I remember the day
I remember the day that we first met
I knew right away
All along it's you
On our first date
I remember sitting right across from you
thinking to myself, do we have to go?
Can we just stay
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
Cuz I'm crazy about you
I know you feel the same way too
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I won't let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
You ready?
If anyone ever sees this, I'll kill you.
Don't worry, it's just for us.
It is kind of hot.
Why does it say "broadcasting"?
-What?
Tiffani, you are crying.
Why, my darling?
Oh, Ernesto, it's just...
I've been with so many men.
Have there been many?
No.
It will not matter
if you have been with millions of men.
Well, you're getting warm.
With other men it's just sex.
Random trashy sex that goes on for days.
But with you, I will finally make love.
Oh, Ernesto, I totally love you.
I want to make many children.
Yes, children.
Put children in me now!
Fuck me now!
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
Oh,
yes, fuck me like a day laborer.
Yeah, baby, take me from behind.
Use me, treat me like a fuck machine.
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
In the butt?
Yes, in the butt, now.
Tiffani, we must stop.
If you stop I'll rip off your dick
and shove it in there myself.
Tiffani, we're in a coffin.
Shut up,
you're ruining my fantasy.
Tiffani.
Shit, my speech.
Gracias, Ernesto.
I love funerals.
Kyle and Mark loved life,
and that's why we're here today.
My son was so proud of his homosexuality
that he would want you all to know
exactly how he died.
My son rocketed off this mortal coil
at 80 miles an hour
down the Ronald Regan freeway
while giving the man he loved a blowjob.
According to the autopsy report,
as Mark began to bust a nut,
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared going
in the wrong direction.
Upon impact, my boys came together.
And they died together,
doing what they loved.
Amen.
Kyle's best friend, Tiffani Vanderslut,
has prepared a special tribute.
I wouldn't call us best friends exactly.
This number goes out to you, Kyle
and Mark.
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
I remember the time
Kyle pretended to be straight
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
who made him eat my pussy.
And then everything went...
Well,
maybe that's not an appropriate memory.
And Mark.
Actually I hardly knew you
but whatever, thanks for coming.
Here's a little diddy
I learned in Girl Scouts.
I had to look up the lyrics online.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's squirming, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Someone's horny, my lord, cum-by-ya.
Oh yes, my lord!
Cum-by-ya.
Oh, God, it's so hard, I just need to...
pray.
Lord, hear our prayer.
I'm gonna love this town.
It isn't much,
but I can give you
a good deal on the rent.
It's perfection.
You haven't seen it.
It's near my Aunt,
what more could I want?
Well, it is furnished
and it'll be nice to have family around.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
I just wish you and Kyle
could've spent more time together.
Did he know you were a mo?
Uh... I didn't know I was a mo
until like a year ago.
Color me, Britney.
I always thought you were gayer
than a midnight screening of Showgirls.
I was one of those clueless gays.
Everyone knew but me.
So when did you finally
get your man-cherry popped?
Aunt Helen!
You don't wanna hear about that.
Of course I do.
I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.
696? Is that local?
Well, I gave your number to
that slut from the funeral, Tiffani.
Oh, I love her.
Kyle adored her.
And, well, I thought
you might need some new friends,
even if they are loser whores.
Hello?
Casey, Casey.
Hey, Tiffani.
How did you know it was me?
I remembered your sultry voice
form the funeral.
Compliments will get you nowhere
unless you're straight.
And hung like Mr. T.
Damn and damn.
As I thought.
Your aunt tells me you need a job,
why don't you get your faggoty ass down
to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
You are such a stud.
I know.
Where have you been
sticking these things?
Go on, go get your tramp on.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
Okay, go.
I am the coolest adult in the world.
Oh, Kyle...
My little queen.
Nail Me, we do nails. With release!
No, I'm kidding,
I mean, unless you're a really hot guy.
Are you?
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
my brand of humor...
Well, I'm sorry I offended
your Christian sensibility,
but if you worship a guy
who was hung on a cross,
nails should be
the last thing on your mind.
Who needs customer like her anyway.
Let me introduce you to the girls.
Pam, Candy.
They said they can't wait
to get to know you.
Cool.
Tell them I feel the same way.
Basically, you sweep up,
take phone calls
and do whatever we say.
Can you handle that?
Is Madonna awesome?
Okay. Well the job's yours anyway,
but there's one little catch.
You have to come with me
to this event thingy.
I love event thingies.
You try too hard. Come on.
Right now? What about work?
Fuck them.
Fuck you, too.
Hand.
What are we doing here?
I don't like places like this.
Me neither,
but they have this fundraiser
where they auction off dates
with shirtless beefcakes.
Nudity and open bar.
You're taking me to that?!
No, it's in two weeks.
And you're taking me.
Kyle was going to,
but, you know, he's dead.
So you're going to volunteer
and get us free tickets.
But I'm so not a hot shirtless man.
You're hardly a man,
no one would pay for you,
you'll help out behind the scenes.
-Why would I do that?
-I gave you that job
and I can replace you with an immigrant,
like that!
Okay, okay, it's just that
I'm not into the whole gay scene.
Welcome to the whole gay scene.
Are you kids here to volunteer?
I'm not but Casey is.
Fabulous.
Darling,
you're shaking like a little Chihuahua.
Don't be nervous, I don't bite...much.
He's never volunteered before.
Oh, a virgin.
If you don't count anal.
Well, either way,
fill out this paperwork
and then I'll have Zack,
our volunteer coordinator, meet with you
and figure out which position
you'd be most comfortable in.
So to speak.
That's why I don't like these places.
They're full of these old horn dogs
looking to get laid.
Jesus. Lay off the fox news.
No, really,
I always hear 'the gay community' this,
the 'gay community' that.
But all I see are a bunch of
drunk assholes looking for sex,
who don't care anything
about relationships.
Excuse me, Maria full of grace,
but that doesn't sound any different
than any straight bar.
Drunk sweaty men.
Drooling, groping,
pressing their manhood all up
against your supple ass
on the dance floor.
God, you are gayer than I am.
Honey,
I'm gayer than a Kevin Spacey
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
and what's wrong with that?
Nothing, it's just...
I'm disappointed at
how sex-centric the gay community is.
It's called homosexual,
not homo-hug-ual,
what did you expect?
Romance?
I want to travel the world on scooters,
adopt children.
Children are just abortions that eat.
You know what? Forget it,
I am not signing that stupid...
Oh, my fuck.
I see you got your paperwork.
Uh, yeah... just let me sign it.
Cool.
Jonathan?
Uh, Casey.
Oh, I'm Zack.
This is Tandy.
I'm his best friend.
That's so funny,
I'm here with my best friend, Tiffani.
No, I'm more like your boss.
Wow, best friends with T names.
Yeah, we should like form a club.
Excuse me, I gotta go take a shit.
I'll come with.
So you're comfortable
taking off your clothes?
What?
Oh, I just assumed you were volunteering
to be one of the studs in the male sale.
I'm clearly not a... stud.
Are you a...a stud?
I mean in the male sale?
Yes, I'm in the auction.
But I sorta do everything around here.
So, wow,
how'd you get into volunteering?
I'm running credit
for this faggotry studies class
and it's a good way to meet people.
Totally good way.
Well, they look like
they're getting along.
I guess we have to pretend
to like each other now.
Wow, you're really good at it.
What are some of your skills?
Huh?
Things you can do to help
with the auction?
Since we can't sell you.
Well... what are your skills?
Brochures, visual stuff,
I'm an art major.
I design all the posters here.
I can't even make a smiley
on my cellphone.
Can you write?
Does texting count?
Maybe you could write the copy
for one of the flyers I'm designing.
We could work on it together.
I'd love to.
Can I get your number?
Really?
Yeah, you didn't write it on your form.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know the Blue Dahlia Caf?
Uh, yeah.
Let's meet there tomorrow at 4:00.
We'll put you to work.
Okay, well, here's my number
and you can have it too,
if you want to...
Zack!
Can we leave this dump already?
I can feel the troll sucking
our youth away.
Lionel.
This is my boyfriend.
Oh, great.
Me, you, talk in private. Now.
Excuse us.
You didn't have to come
if you're gonna be like this.
You're the one complaining we never get
to spend enough time together.
Well, here I am.
With your friends.
Hey. We're letting you auction us off
for this dump.
Be grateful.
Let's get out of here.
I'm signed up for another hour.
I'll fucking cover for you.
You don't have to do that.
Oh, but I want to.
Besides, fleabag here gives me a rash.
But I wasn't anywhere near your pussy.
Get him the fuck out of here.
Thanks, Tandy.
See you soon, buddy.
Yeah, sounds....
Like that'll happen.
He's sweet, nice, and hot.
Of course he's taken.
Nah, he's just ass-pussy whipped.
They won't last long.
Buddy.
Don't take it so personally.
Why are we together,
we don't like doing the same things.
We like doing the same.
Swallowing doesn't count.
Swallowing counts. It's extra credit.
It's been six months
and I still feel you're pulling away.
Because you're always clinging on to me.
What do you expect? You won't even
call us boyfriends in public.
You know you want me inside you.
No. I'm mad,
I'm not happy with how things are going.
You're good at one thing.
Lionel.
You're great at it.
Please, don't.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Please stop.
I don't want to do this.
I don't wanna....
Oh...
Oh, yeah.
No one does it better than you.
You can cling on to
that anytime you like, snuggle bear.
We're through, get out.
Can I at least come first?
Get out!
Come on.
Are you ready to say goodbye to this?
I'll slam the door on it
if you don't get the fuck out.
Good luck trying to find someone
as hot as me.
I'm gonna come right here
on your front door.
Yeah, you know you wish
you were sucking this.
What am I doing?
Oh yeah.
Oh, fuck yeah.
You know what?
Enjoy being alone, whack job.
Found him!
Wow, stalker much?
What should I say?
I'm a lonely psychopath
that look you up within
an hour of meeting you.
You're right, I should wait until morning.
Then he'll think you obsessed
about him all night.
Don't you know anything
about the internet?
You should make a fake profile.
What?
Pretend to be a total random stranger
so you can find out
all his personal details.
People are honest with strangers.
My fake name is Tittsy Montgomery.
I could find out
if he wants a serious relationship.
I was thinking more like cock size
but whatever.
You need the perfect fake picture
and I know the perfect person.
Holy rim job, who is that?
My incredibly hot ex BF, Ryan.
He's a stripper.
He was supposed to be my rebound
after Troy broke my heart
but he has a good tongue,
so I let him stay.
Why did you break up with that?
What if your boyfriend finds out?
We have an open relationship.
Uhh, we do?
Ryan,
this is not what it looks like.
Neither is this.
We had commitment issues.
Anyway, he moved to Tucson
so it's totally safe to use his pictures.
Why would I want Zack to talk
to someone way hotter than I am.
When's the last time you opened up
to an ugly stranger?
Besides,
you find out what you need to know,
then Ryan will disappear.
A fake profile is the perfect wingman.
Okay.
Okay, let's do this.
What's my name?
Ryan.
Ryan.
Do you agree to
the following terms and conditions.
Number one, GaySpaceBook.com...
Agree, you nerd!
You should really read these things,
you never know.
What are you, a pilgrim?
I bet you avoid handicap spaces.
And vote.
Favorite movie?
Roman Holiday, of course.
Straight acting or not?
Put, "I'm gay, why should I act anything
but what I am."
Oh, you are scary good, girl.
Come on, breakup sex.
You are a hottie,
let's hope you're next door
cause I don't feel like driving.
Looking for?
First I want to develop
something special with you,
then we fuck each other's brains out.
Perfect combination of romantic
and nasty, right?
Whatever, no one reads those,
just write them.
Yummy.
Oh, my God, it's him.
What do I do? What do I write?
Write what you know.
Well, in your case, don't.
You're not helping.
Gotta play it cool.
Hey. That's so romantic.
Kindly help a broken hearted stranger
with hours of meaningless sex!
Oh God, yes.
So, get to know me.
Oh shit! Can he see us?
No. My camera's not on.
Oh.
Likely story.
So, ask away.
Thanks for starting off easy.
I didn't want to put up
with his shit anymore.
You know how you tell yourself
that it's gonna get better?
You know it's not,
but you hang on
to any little good thing he does
to prove that it might get better.
Well, I guess there weren't any.
Then it was just the really hot sex.
Yeah.
How do you know
what the little good things are?
Okay, try me.
You're an artist.
I'd take you to a museum.
You look like a basketball fan.
Lakers tickets.
Massage, good bottle of wine.
And little things like
bringing you something to drink
without you having to ask.
Well done, Ms. Cleo.
What can I do to get you
to come over here right now.
Oh, strip.
Date?
You already know me inside and out,
I think I'm in love.
Wait, I know.
If you don't come over...
He is not!
Here's what you'll be missing.
Get out of my way!
Holy clit!-Oh, my God.
Oh shit.
I cannot believe...
You spilled your Sunny Delight.
How could you?
You owe me a computer!
And a boyfriend.
He's a fake.
No one can be that hot and that nice,
it's against the nature.
Look you.
But he has tons of profile pictures,
he must be real.
You still believe The Hills is real.
If he was a fake,
he would've watched me jack off.
I just threw up a little bit
in my pussy.
Maybe it's not a good idea
for us to hang out?
I don't believe you.
Zack's single now,
so the reason we invented Ryan
doesn't matter anymore.
I mean, why keep up the charade?
Why email him at all? Just disappear.
You're still pretending to be Ryan,
even if it is just to dump him.
I'm just being polite.
You're just keeping him
and his pretty dick hanging on,
so you still have access to him in case
he doesn't go for exhibit A.
You're right.
If he normally gets prime rib like Ryan,
why would he settle for...
Turkey burger?
I blew it,
Mr. Fake doesn't wanna meet me.
Because he's not real.
I came on too strong.
Gay men hate guys who do that.
He was trying to get to know me
but I went from zero to sixty-nine.
There are millions of men who
can fuck first and then fall in love.
But I don't want other men, I want him.
Jesus Christ!
My mom warned me
I was turning into a fag hag.
You're not a fag hag.
I'm gonna be a fat spinster
whose only sexual outlet
is sucking off drunken homos.
You'd suck me off
if I were drunk, right?
My fag hag days are over.
Now separate the finger nails
from the toe nails.
Ew, what?
Busy work.
You still have fifteen minutes left.
I must get ready for my date.
It's not a date, queef-cake.
It's a date,
he just doesn't know it yet.
My, my, look who went
and downloaded some balls.
He might've seen
Ryan's picture online last night,
but he was talking to me.
We have a connection.
At least we will
by the end of the night.
Fuck, I've got to see this.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no problem,
I had nothing else to do.
Wait, that sounds bad.
No it doesn't, you just moved here.
I... I drafted up some ideas
for the male sale flyers.
I Google-imaged you.
Whoa, these are great.
Thanks for giving me extra abs.
Those are yours and you know it.
Thanks for the ego boost,
I could really use one right about now.
I'm sorry about your breakup.
How did you know?
Oh! I...-Lionel?
He's a big fucking mouth.
That's one of the reasons
I don't like the gay community.
I think the gay community is more diverse
than you give it credit for.
Well, I think he's crazy
for breaking up with you.
I broke up with him.
Sorry.
No big deal.
He's not what's bothering me.
I met this guy online last night,
Ryan,
oh, my God.
You have never seen anything like him,
and he was so totally into me
until I blew it.
You think you blew it?
Yeah, I got too sexual. A fatal flaw.
Well, if he was just a hot body,
those are...
It was more than that.
This guy connected with me.
He was smart and funny and he knew me.
He sounds too good to be true.
Yeah, he probably is fake.
I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
I normally don't talk to guys
about my social life.
You seem pretty comfortable.
You make me feel comfortable, Casey.
Hey, maybe sometime you and I could...
Oh my God, that's him.
How do I look?-Huh?
How do I look?-Uh...
gorgeous. Are you sure...
Wish me luck.
Good fucking luck.
Hey, Ryan1989.
Hey... you.
I was beginning to think
you were imaginary
like a smurf or something.
Nope, I'm all real.
You can say that again.
Mind if I don't?
We're both here,
you wanna give this a shot
and go out some night?
Uuh... Ryan,
look who's back.
Don't they have stripper poles
in Tucson?
Tiffany,
did you get a boob job?
No, I'm still saving up.
What's going on?
Casey, this is Ryan from the Internet.
You look so much better
than your pictures, doesn't he?
Now, how would Casey have seen
Ryan's cute little disco boy picture.
Yeah, you mean my picture
with the headband and yellow gym shorts.
Yellow mesh gym shorts. Rarrr.
And then there's that one
where you're on the beach
with some blond chick and your bulge.
Yeah, Ryan loves nailing blonds.
Yeah, but I love nailing brunettes, too.
Brunette women, Ryan's straight,
we used to fuck. I took that picture.
He wasn't straight last night.
Yeah, after fucking Tiffani
I just gave up on women.
It happens to you a lot, huh?
Oh, you little cum monkey.
So, let's give this a shot.
When do you want to hang out?
Ugh, this sucks.
I just set up the hottest couple
in the universe.
When their hot muscled bodies
come together,
they'll probably form
like Voltron or something.
He's lying.
If Ryan's gay, I'll eat my own twat.
What kind of straight guy
goes on a date with another man?
He was a stripper at a gay bar.
He would clean a toilet with his dick
for a dollar.
He's just trying to get back at me.
Oh... Zack wanna talk to me about
what they should do
on their Barbie dream date
because I make him feel comfortable.
No smiley.
This is serious.
My God, you're like his fag hag now.
I hate my life.
Casey, great, you can do my back.
Oh my God, are you ok?
Yeah, it's just a little ouchy,
that's all.
Ouchy?
Never mind, it's fine.
Good.
Squirt me.
Okay.
God, I'm as nervous
as Isaiah Washington's hairdresser.
About the date?
Yes, about the date.
He was so hot and cold at the caf.
Isn't he cute?
I'm not really into guys that...hot.
Really?
Okay, your turn.
Oh, I'm not a taking off my shirt
in public kind of guy.
Don't tell me you have body issues.
Take it off or I will.
Okay, okay.
You know, when we, mere mortals,
are around gods like you,
how can we not...
Please, you've got a great body.
And, besides,
some guys like 'em not all exercised.
Here.
So what should I do on my date?
You mean besides sex?
I don't want it to be about sex.
When we chatted online he had
all these ideas for great things to do
and I wanna come up
with some great idea, too.
Ok, well what's your dream first date?
Wow, I guess
I never really thought about it.
You've never fantasized about
the perfect first date?
I was too busy going on real dates.
Asshole.
Well, clearly someone's thought about it.
Tell me yours, Romeo.
Okay.
We're in Italy, well, Rome.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
I'm obsessed with Italy.
You are?
Yeah, I've been wanting to go to Italy
since I was like three.
I'm going after graduation
if I can save enough cash.
I've got like $3,200 saved so far.
I can't wait to go. Someday.
Well, I can't exactly take Ryan
to Italy tonight.
So, do you got any dream dates
that are a little more practical?
Okay, well my dream date, it's intimate.
Like I make him dinner so it's personal.
Yeah, something at your place,
just the two of you,
no distractions.
Yeah, and maybe I'd have a fun theme
for the meal.
Italian.-Perfetto.
Pasta, pinot grigio,
some funky Italian music.
That's all I'd need
because the best first dates
are the ones where the conversation's
just really easy.
And it flows cause you're both
listening to each other
like you're focused.
And there are those moments
when you're looking into
each other's eyes,
wondering if maybe
he's thinking the same thing.
That sometime tonight we're gonna...
Kiss.
Exactly.
Kiss.
Oh my God!-What?
You totally inspired me,
I have the perfect date.
Scoot.
He's not gonna know what hit him.
I can't thank you enough.
Well, text me if you need help!
Text me if you need help.
If you're trying to stop me,
it won't work.
If you think going on a fake gay date
will make me jealous,
you're dumber than a flock of Palins.
I don't want that,
I just wanna piss you off.
You cheated too!
It's not about that,
it's about you putting pubes
in my protein powder the next day.
They weren't even mine.
And poking holes in my contact lenses,
Putting crabs in my drawer.
And using my toothbrush to clean the...
Ok,
I'm a jealous woman.
But at least I feel something.
You're an emotionless stripper
who uses his body as a bargaining chip.
And that's not gonna get you anything
but a dirty dollar bill
shoved up your ass.
You're fat.
Have a good night. I know I will.
Ryan, right on time.
Hey, look,
I gotta talk to you
about this Internet thing.
I know, me too, come on in.
I saw on your profile that Roman Holiday
is your favorite movie.
It's also mine.
So I've got
a special little tour for you,
come on.
As you know, when Audrey Hepburn
sneaks out of the consulate,
Gregory Peck shows her
the sights of Rome.
So here we have the Sistine Chapel,
painted by Michelangelo.
Italian wine.
Next we have an exact replica
of the Trevi Fountain.
That's pretty cool.
And our last stop is the mouth of truth,
you know,
the most famous scene in the movie.
Yeah.
So put your hand in its mouth
and if you're lying to me
it'll get bitten off.
And don't tell my landlord
about the hole.
Rarrr!-You scared the shit out of me!
Your hand's still here.
I knew you wouldn't lie to me.
You're an amazing guy
and I don't deserve you.
I gotta go.
Text me, text me, text me, text me.
I love you, Zack!
It's nice to have a friend
who will listen to my romantic problems.
I told you to text me
if you needed help
and you did.
And I'm here to help.
Can you help me find a boyfriend?
Oh my God, is that the mouth of truth?
Yeah, his profile said
his favorite movie was Roman Holiday, so.
You did that for him?
It's stupid.
It's the most romantic thing
I've ever seen.
See, I'm telling the truth.
Yeah, I actually had
this whole Roman Holiday tour.
There's the Colossum,
I ate half of it.
Zack, there's something
I should tell you.
I haven't been honest with you. I...
Great, who's that?
Oh my God, Ryan?
Hey man,
there's something I gotta tell you.
Oh, did you tell him?
Tell me what?
I was just about to.
Of course you were.
That wasn't me
you were talking to online.
Him and Tiffani made a fake profile
and used my picture.
What?-I don't even have a profile.
I'm not even gay.
Zack, it's not what it sounds like.
Did you pretend to be him?
Yes, but it was only because
I didn't want to look like a stalker,
which I know I totally like now.
My first genuine conversation in years
was with a total fake.
And why? So you can fuck me?
No, I mean yes,
I mean more than that.
The things I said were true.
Dude, if you liked him,
why didn't you just tell him.
And you let me take you on that whole
fucking tour like some kind of idiot.
Get the fuck out! Both of you.
Zack, I'm sorry.
Is that...-Get out!
I was in the middle of telling him,
you know.
Sorry man,
it was a crappy thing you guys did.
I just wanted to get his attention.
You coulda got it without
getting all stalker-azzi on him.
With guys like you walking around?
Even if I was gay,
it wouldn't have worked out.
He was less into what I looked like
and more into what you said.
Anyway, sorry.
No, it's my own damn fault.
This is Tandy, impress me.
And if you're one of my gay friends
and just had a bad date,
I'm not calling you back for three days.
Because I'm not a fag hag!
Casey, right?
Yeah.
I'm Harry.
That's my name, not that I am hairy.
Honey, what's wrong?
You look like Liberace after they
put the seat back on his piano stool.
Wrong generation.
Never mind.
You look like you could
use some company tonight.
Oh, I'm not interested.
On, no, darling.
You're adorable
but you're far too young for me.
Us in bed would be like
teaching calculus to a preschooler.
No. Sex with men who have the maturity
of an experienced lover,
there's nothing quite like it.
T.M.I.
Pardon?
Nothing.
Let me guess.
Some strapping thing
has broken your heart.
Is it that obvious?
Either that or Miley Cyrus died.
See, I'm not that dated.
Yeah, it's a guy.
No, no, it's me.
I was a complete jerk.
And I knew it while it was happening
but I did it anyway.
And now I'll never get to show Zack
what a great boyfriend I can be.
Now I'll never even have a boyfriend.
And I'll wind up alone
until I'm all old and...
Sorry.
Oh dear heart,
there's worse things
than not having a boyfriend.
Like trudging bare foot uphill
through five miles of snow
just to find
the nearest homosexual saloon.
It was a joke.
I'm not that old.
-You're not?
-Well now, that was just not pretty.
All I'm saying is,
as dark as it may seem,
I think your generation
has it pretty easy
when it comes to finding
all the other fish
in the sea.
I bet you're thinking right now
that the obvious solution
is something that I used to do
when I was trying to get over someone.
What's that?
Well I used to think
that a good roll in the hay
would be all I needed
but I was wrong.
Sleeping with someone
to get over someone else never works.
Casey, right?
Yeah.
Trust me on this, it never works.
You want to go somewhere and talk?
Never.
Sure.
Never learn.
That drink was strong,
like drinking blood straight
from Amy Winehouse's wrist.
God, I'm glad I met you.
Last guy I dated, Zack,
such a fucking loser.
He was a good kisser.
Kissing's overrated.
How good was he?
Incredible.
Always started off the same way.
Two pecks.
Then a deeper kiss.
Followed by a bite to the lower lip.
And repeat.
You're so gonna love this.
Get back in.
We should fuck. Is that your bed?
I don't usually do that on the first...
Yeah, neither do I.
Right behind you.
You're so gonna love this.
Hi, how can I hurt you today?
We gotta talk.
We have nothing to talk about.
Five minutes, that's all I ask.
You need to have an appointment.
What do you mean,
I thought you were gay for Zack.
Come on, you know I'm not gay.
You know I was just
trying to piss you off.
Well, it didn't work, clit monger.
Why would you want to help them.
They seem like
they actually belong together.
And I messed that up.
My God, you have feelings?
I thought your fortes fortes
was cheating and home wrecking.
You cheated too.
He wasn't inside me yet.
We both fucked up.
But this is our chance
to do something right.
Aww.
Tyra moment.
Yuck!
How do we get them together?
Zack clearly prefers to be
with gorgeous people
like me and you.
It takes a lot more than
a gym and some cucumbers
to make someone gorgeous.
The point is
Casey isn't even on Zack's menu.
Exactly!
We're ordering from the wrong menu.
We gotta go to
another restaurant where Zack is
and order the hot dog.
Because we really just want the bun.
Or we could trick them into a date.
That's what I just said.
Hey there sausage, why the long dick.
Oh, it's you.
Yes, it's me,
the slut with the heart of shit.
No argument here.
I know. I'm sorry,
I owe you a cocktail,
or at least a hand job.
You've done enough, really.
Actually, there is something you can do.
Find me an auctioneer for the male sale.
I'll do it.
I used to run the auction
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.
Really?-Yeah.
There's a lot people don't know about me.
Listen.
You need to know the truth about
what went down with Casey.
Casey can suck my balls.
Well, that's what he's been
trying to say all along.
You know what I mean.
I know.
Come on, let me buy you a drink later.
You shouldn't be alone
during this delicate juncture.
Trust me, I've been there.
Where is your fag hag anyway?
Oh, come on, I'll sub for her.
You can't sub for a best friend.
You're gay
and I'm a straight girl of big tits.
Evolution has genetically programmed us
to be there for each other.
Like the clown fish and the sea anemone.
Now, what'd you say?
Casey!-Oh, hey.
You, me, drinks. Tonight.
No. What's up with you going out
with gay guys.
I want to make up
for screwing up your game.
Yeah, I don't think a Blue Ribbon
or whatever it is straight guys
drink is gonna help.
I'll put an umbrella in it.
Awesome. I'll pick you up at 6:00.
It's me.
We're set.
Great! Now be a good little stripper
and do whatever it
takes to get those boys all
horned up and ready to blow.
I think they care about more than sex.
Jesus, you sound like a woman
that isn't me.
Of course they care about sex.
If they don't,
that's what the alcohol's for.
Well, you just show up
when you're supposed to.
Honey,
I'm a as reliable as birth control.
That's not a 100%.
Take it or leave it.
Tandy, what's up dragon lady?
I got your non-call,
leave a fucking V.M. next time.
You said you didn't want to hear
about gay problems.
Good point, thanks for sparing me
the Queer as Folk rerun.
Where are we going?
To hang out with my new friend,
remember that girl, Tiffani.
The sluttier version of Tara Reid?
You're hanging out with her?
She wanted to hear about my problems.
I smell a rat...
with fake tits.
To all the boys I fucked
and never called back.
That must be like a hundred.
Like ten years ago maybe.
Here's to me catching up.
So, this whole Internet...
Lie.
Performance was totally 100% my idea.
Casey had nothing to do with it.
But he's the one who
chatted with me, right?
Yes.
But I practically raped him into it.
So what he said,
how much of that was him?
Just the good stuff.
He's lucky to have you,
except for the raping part.
To the raping part.
To the raping part.
Trust me,
this is so much better than shaving.
That feels really weird.
Assholes are like snowflakes.
Speaking of pretty assholes,
why were you dating that Lionel guy?
What? You've never dated
an asshole before?
Honey, assholes are attracted to me
like shit...
to assholes.
And why did you stay with them?
Sex.
Exactly! I have the same problem,
I can't say no to cock.
Oh, you're fucking to the choir.
Dick, it just like...
blinds me, you know.
You ripped out my taint!
My turn.
You know, Zack is totally into you.
No he's not.
I need to give up
and go for someone uglier.
Not like Michael Stipe ugly,
but at least Rufus Wainwright ugly.
I don't watch that show.
But I've been watching gay guys
for years.
See, they don't think
the strippers can see back,
but we totally can.
You guys' problem is
you don't even talk to each other,
you're always waiting for someone else
to make the first move.
I gave him my number,
I volunteered for the male sale,
I took off my shirt for him.
I stalked him on the Internet.
I made all the moves.
But when'd you tell him you liked him.
You know, you could cheat on me,
steal all my money and kill my mother
but if you're hot,
I'll make excuses for you
until the day you leave me.
Or turn gay.
Or both.
Oh, damn,
all out of liquor.
Let's get out of here.
You can have that one,
I got plenty at home.
That pizza ought to be here any minute.
Yum, pizza.
What if your boyfriend Zack
was the delivery boy?
You are such a stripper.
And he's not my boyfriend.
I gotta hit the head,
get the door if the pizza comes.
Ok.
You've been a very bad boy.
You have the right to remain sexy.
Anything you touch will be held
against you in the court of my...
Hit me with that pepperoni!
Casey?
Gotta go, you two work it out, bye.
Damn it!-Hey Zack.
Nice hat.
Are they fucking yet?
Not even close.
Is this gonna work?
Trust me, it's science.
If you leave two dicks together,
eventually one of them's
going to need sucking.
Like prison.
I'm really sorry about what I did.
Who does stuff like that?
People with no self-esteem?
It's kinda mean.
I'm sorry, it got out of hand.
I just...I wanted to...
I don't know. I wanted to meet you.
You did meet me.
I know,
I'm just an idiot.
It's not a big deal, it's over.
Come on,
this is the part where you fuck him.
Man, he just looked at you. Look back.
The dick sucking principle
should take effect any second.
Nah, I've seen guys do this at the club.
They'll sit there for hours
and never say a word,
no matter how much they like each other.
Go do something.
There's nothing I can do.
Except...
What?
Work my stripper magic.
Stripper magic?
When I see two guys doing this
at the club,
I'll get between them and make them
put their hands all over me.
Then, I'll get out of the way
and they're so worked up
that they're all over each other.
You're like a stripper Harriett Tubman.
Exactly!
Get to it Harriett,
the dogs are coming.
Thank God, can we leave now?
You boys sit right there,
this party's just getting started.
Let me show you
some classic stripper moves.
What the fuck are you doing?
You guys are at full attention,
and Sergeant Ryan's here to release it.
Now, both of you make a wish
and pull.
You've got to be kidding me.
Well it is kind of an ugly shirt.
Totally generic.
That's more like it.
Free.
Now, rip open rigid Ryan's jeans.
You're straight?
We're just three dudes having some fun.
Now pull.
Are you hard?
Maybe. Are you?
Gotta get out of these pants.
There's never a sexy way
to get the jeans off.
I don't know, that's pretty...
Sexy.
Your turn.
For what?
For your free lesson in exotic dancing,
it's an actual skill you know.
I'm in.
I'll watch.
No looky-loos, come on.
Undo your shirts.
With more confidence. A slow reveal.
Good.
Now, when you get to the last button,
take your shirt at the collar
and slowly peel it off.
Good, that's hot. Yeah.
Now, pull your pants off like I did,
and lead forward, like this.
Come on, we're in underwear.
Zack, come here, take a side.
Well, that was certainly fun.
Now give me a lap dance.
How's this?
You dance like a straight boy.
You need to move them like this.
You're all thrust and no grind.
Casey, come here.
Put your hands here.
Feel this.
That's hot.
You know, you guys make a hot couple.
Guys, I think I'm gonna...
You're not gonna go anywhere
when you're that hard.
Oh yeah. That's so hot.
Oh my God, that is so fucking hot!
Fuck yeah, work that pussy.
And what do we have here?
Shew, get away.
I don't do the lesbian thing anymore.
I knew this was gonna happen.
You did?
Get over here.
What the...
Ready for the Zack special?
Help me.
Holy crap.
Oh yeah,
I've never had two months before,
yeah, one of you do the balls.
Oh my God!
Why are you fucking with Zack?
Technically I'm watching them
fuck with Zack.
I'm breaking up
that blow fest right now.
Over my hot dead body.
That's what I was planning.
Is that pussy juice?
A thousand dollars worth.
Guys,
I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!
I've never heard that without anything
in my pussy before.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow!
You fucking bitch.
Let me kick that pussy again.
Tandy?-Tiffani?
Sorry I'm late.
Woman things.
God, I miss that cock.
Are you ok?-Kill the bitch.
What the hell happened?
I was trying to protect you.
I appreciate it but it turns out
that everything's just fine.
Better than fine.
What? Are you life partners now?
I think we're...
Thanks to me and Ryan,
and Ryan's friend.
Zack, I have the perfect first date
for us.
Like your first date with him?
You're just like everyone else.
Fuck you!
You're all assholes.
I miss how we fuck.
Rigid Ryan misses you too.
Oh come on,
let's go suck the gay out of your cock.
I hate the Internet.
You can use it for things
other than sex.
Like what?
Well, maybe gay people can't.
Speaking of trolling for sex,
I can't believe Casey just slept
with the first thing that looked at him.
Ugh, I hate him. But in his defense,
you did sort of reject him.
So?
What did you do
when Lionel rejected you?
You trolled...
Online for sex.
I hate that you're always right.
It's like Jesus is my fag hag.
Wait, sorry,
I know you don't like being called...
I'm dealing with it.
I'm your fag hag.
Not a fag hag. Your fag hag.
Thank you sweetie.
But if I'm your fag hag,
then you're my gay bitch.
Gay bitch loves his fag hag.
You better bitch,
I got a black eye for you.
Casey? Honey?
I'm moving back home.
Can you drop me off at the bus station
when I'm done packing?
I thought you were making new friends?
Don't you like it here?
The cheap rent, the beautiful weather,
the abundance of gay ass.
I turned everything into a big wet mess.
Oh honey, it can't be that bad.
It's horrible!
It's like 9/11 but with sex.
Like a 69/11.
You're horrible.
Oh honey, come on.
I don't know
what kind of orgie-astic corfafel
you've gotten yourself wrapped up in.
But I do know that
when you run from your problems,
the location might change
but your problems will be
right there waiting for you.
Only there you won't have cheap rent
and this beautiful weather.
What about the abundance of gay ass?
Honey, you can find that anywhere.
Now come on, tell your auntie Helen
all about your problem.
I promise you won't shock me.
Ok, I pretended to be Ryan
to Zack online
but then Ryan showed up
and went out with Zack
to get back at Tiffani.
Anyway, I think Zack realized he liked me
for who I am and not the way Ryan looked
but he never told me.
So I fucked Lionel who was probably
just trying to get back at Zack,
and then Ryan got Zack and me
to give him a blowjob
in order to get us together.
And it actually worked.
Until Zack got a videoclip of
me and Lionel doing it.
So, Zack never told you how he felt.
Yeah.
And you're just gonna leave town
without giving him a chance to.
You're not leaving town you fuck tard.
We have a date
and I'm not running that auction alone.
The slut's right.
Don't pussy out on the youth center
just because someone hurt
your dick's feelings.
Love her.
Besides, when you run from your problems,
the location may change...
I already got that speech.
Than what are we waiting for, cum boy,
we're gonna be late.
Bah-bye.
I smell an open bar.
Get me anything with a whiskey
and nothing else.
Oh good, you came.
Oh my God, I did.
Zack, I...
Here's the stuff you need to say.
Don't bomb.
What's a "ligabut?"
That's LGBT.
What's that?
Jesus Christ,
I have to get you to the green room.
Zack, wait, I came to apologize.
Funny, originally you said you were
coming to support the gay community.
You know the gay scene
isn't really my thing.
You know for someone who talks down
on the gay scene so much,
you really go out of your way
to represent the worst of it.
Blowjob for your thoughts?
What do you want?
Come on, all I did was prove
that the guy you thought was your friend
is just a big phony.
You should be happy.
You thought that sending me
your sex video would make me happy?
I had to do something to keep you apart.
Why?
You know why.
Say it.
I was jealous, alright? Jesus.
I knew it.
And it wasn't just that.
I could tell you
were connecting with him.
I want you back.
Can you feel how badly I want you back?
I don't care how hot you are,
I need more.
You're so deep.
If it's deep to want
someone who's gonna respect me
and listen to me
and inspire me to do things
that I'd never thought I'd do.
Then yeah, I'm deep.
And you're too shallow for me.
Good luck raising money for your charity
without auctioning off my ass
and my friend's asses.
You wouldn't, this is for the community.
Fuck the community.
Lionel!
Hello, hello queers and wannabes.
Welcome to the tenth annual male sale.
Tenth?
I didn't think a gay could commit
to anything for that long.
I'm Tiffani,
your mattress of ceremonies.
I love that drag queen.
Zack, I'm sorry, I...
Now's your chance to prove you're really
here to support the community.
What?
Lionel and his friends
dropped out of the auction
and I need you and the strip master here
to get in your boxers
and let me sell you.
Take off my shirt on stage?
I'm in.
Zack, I'm sorry...
This is more important
than whoever you're sleeping with
or lying to.
This money helps support
the Matthew Shepard Youth Program,
the Matthew Shepard reading room,
the Matthew Shepard hotline
and the Matthew Shepard
homeless synchronized swim team.
Alright,
finally let's get to the prostituting.
Auctioning.
Bring out the meat.
For our first stud we have Lionel!
Casey!
Woo, Casey!
You go boy!
Look at his rippling muscles and sexy...
I'm sorry, this was for the guy
we were supposed to have.
Look at his...
personality.
Casey is an out of towner
that enjoys cruising online for Zack,
talking about Zack,
and working at Nail Me Salon.
Located at 4255 Hawthorne Lane,
call for an appointment.
Take off your shirt!
Ok,
now we're talking.
Have you ever seen such...
white flesh.
Ok, let's get the bidding started.
Who's gonna be first?
50 dollars, we got a 50 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me a 50 dollar bid?
50 dollars, 50 dollar bid!
10 dollars!
Bidding starts at 50, bitches.
11!
Take off your pants.
What?-We are desperate here.
And while you're stripping down
to your beautiful
Andrew Christian briefs,
why don't you tell us
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program
at the center means to you.
I used to think
the center didn't apply to me at all.
I thought it was just
a bunch of old guys
looking to get their rocks off.
But a friend forced me to volunteer here
where I met one of these old guys
face to face.
Boy, was I wrong.
He was a caring person,
emptying his wallet and busting his ass
to make sure that
people like me don't have
to go through the shit
that people like him had to.
And he's just one of
the dozens of people here
trying to help
thousands of kids like me.
I started this summer feeling
at odds with the gay community
but now I look out at your faces and
I see a friend who will do anything
to protect the people close to her.
An example for me to aspire to.
A bitch when you need one.
A family that won't let you fail
even when you've already
given up on yourself.
And a leader, who can change the way
we see each other
and teach us about the things
that really matter.
And I couldn't be prouder
to be a part of this.
100 dollars.
200 dollars.
500 dollars.
This is an unexpected surprise.
500 dollars,
we have a 500 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me 600?
3,200 dollars.
What?
3,200 dollars.
Not to be rude or anything but,
bitch, do you have that kind of money?
That's your Italy money.
I don't need to go to Italy for romance.
Sold!
Look at that sweet smile,
you're precious.
Ryan1989,
you are way hotter than your pic.
I'm so glad I stalked you.
It's not as hot without your dick
in the middle.
I don't know how
I found the sweetest thing around
Please tell me where have you been
It was long overdue
My hope is gone
in believing the two can be together
Baby I was wrong, so wrong
It's true
So let's take our time
We don't gotta rush
I want this to feel right
I don't wanna miss anything
So I'll have to hold on tight
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
wen I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
I remember the day
I remember the day that we first met
I knew right away
All along it's you
On our first date
I remember sitting right across from you
thinking to myself, do we have to go?
Can we just stay
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
Cuz I'm crazy about you
I know you feel the same way too
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't stop my head from spinning
We're on our way to a new beginning
Like a kid on the bed
I can jump for joy all day
It's you, it's you, it's you
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
when all I can say is how much I adore you
I won't let anyone else get in our way
It's you, it's you, it's you
You ready?
If anyone ever sees this, I'll kill you.
Don't worry, it's just for us.
It is kind of hot.
Why does it say "broadcasting"?
-What?